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There’s no point in living when you’re all alone [deleted]
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self.depression
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Help. I spent last night in the ER with my 16-year-old who drank rubbing alcohol. She had another attempt in June. She sees a counselor and psychiatrist but they disagree on diagnosis. The Prozac isn’t helping the depression, although it helps the anxiety. Sometimes I wonder if it makes it worse. 😢
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self.depression
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I've shacked up with a gangster in a business venture already turning on it's head. Yet, I don't care. My knees are so weak for this dude, I literally couldn't care less that he's using me, withholding information from me, playing on my obvious attraction to him... All I want to do is write about this crazy stuff, engross myself in it all while it lasts... write an amazon erotic novella if/when things finally happen. I haven't felt so alive since last time I shacked up with the same type of morally unsound dude.
I worry that I'm so bored with the usual day to day, I'll find myself seeking further and further away from the norm and at some point I won't be able to find my way back. What worries me more is how that kind of comforts me, knowing I can break all ties with the unforgiving and drab world that is being 9-5 legitimate.
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self.offmychest
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27, never had a job, no prospects. None of my options will prevent me killing myself. What can I actually do? As in what are the actual steps I have to take to achieve happiness. I know what I'm told I need to do. Get any job, build a resume etc. But getting a job stacking shelves will only push me to killing myself sooner. I want to do work I want to do, something that I enjoy doing and will pay me enough to buy a house and raise a family. Paying off a student loan whilst on minimum wage is demoralizing. Not to mention outside of work I'm just going to be a loser to most people. The fact I know nobody, have missed out of my youth, travelled nowhere and did nothing with my life has made me too fragile to just wageslave alone for the next 60 years. I need someone, anyone, to give me a big break but I know it won't happen. Suicide is inevitable.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Ain’t it funny? Isn’t it funny how you feel like you finally have reached the sun and it feels as if you are basking in its glory, and everything seems to be going fine and you stopped all of those little ticks you had. Then out of no where, for absolutely no reason, you get sucked right back underwater, you can’t breath, you can’t think, you can’t function, you can’t more, and you suffocate unable to get out. Wanting help so badly but there isn’t anyone there, because so ones going to help the constantly self destructing ship.
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self.depression
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Felt better on my missed dose of zoloft than when i got back on I just started taking zoloft 25mg, it makes me feel like shit, everyone tells me to stick through it. But on a day that I missed a dose I felt...good! like I actually got a surge of energy. Is it possible the zoloft was still in my system then? i guess, but I felt so so so good. Now that I got back on it I feel like shit, warm, tired, dizzy. I just don't know. Is zoloft right for me?
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self.Anxiety
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Today's my birthday! ...and my evil ex decided today was a good day to apologize? Let's take you back to Summer 2010. I was a lonely soon to be senior in high school, and this guy reached out to me on Facebook. I recognized him from school and said, why not you seem nice I'll talk to you.
Ladies and gents, he was not nice. He was emotionally manipulative and abusive. He had a lot of issues and used them as fuel to do things he knew I didn't want to do. I don't feel like going into more detail than that.
We got together June 8th. My birthday is on November 8th, and he would constantly tell me in the MONTH that we dated that he was going to propose to me on my 18th birthday. It freaked me out. It I wasn't able to leave him until a friend helped me out.
He stalked me at school until I got the school involved and he was forced to stop. Ever since I graduated, he's messaged me every once and a while to "apologize" for what he did to me both during and after our relationship. I always ignore and block.
He usually makes a new Facebook account to try to contact me. Guess what he did today!!!
I was having an amazing birthday until I looked down at my phone at 5:35 PM and I have a Facebook notification saying "Jack Ass wants to connect with you." The last time he tried to get in contact with me, it was two years ago and he tried to follow my Instagram. I've locked all my profiles down since then, or so I thought.
All he did was try to apologize for "what he put me through after our relationship" and I'm honestly like "no fuck off." I haven't said anything, I don't plan on saying anything. I just want him to leave me alone forever. I said as much the first time he tried this in 2011. I'm just so upset that this is still coming up in 2017.
He knew what he was doing. He knew today was my birthday and he's fucking trying to get into my head and I hate myself because it's working.
I need a drink.
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self.offmychest
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Am I in love or lonely? Am I scared of love so I push other people away? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Fuck it, I'm going back to bed. It's pretty much been my motto for the past 6-7 months. Stare at the computer for a while, try to find something to do, stare some more. "Fuck it, I'm going back to bed."
And that's after staying in bed so long that my back or sides hurt.
I'm due to go back to work in 11 days and I don't even know how I'm going to manage that when I can barely manage going to do groceries unless it's at 3 am and there's no one in the store.
I hate everything, especially still being alive.
Fuck it, I'm going back to bed.
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self.depression
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Reasons why I shouldn't kill myself? I can't find too many reasons as to why I shouldn't kill myself.
I'm a entitled, irresponsible, lazy, useless fuck.
I've never had a job more than 3 months. I shit on my credit, which makes housing about impossible.
I'm homeless because my mom died and her house was given to her next of kin, her fucking husband. Who kicked me out due to my getting arrested for a drug addiction a year ago.
I found a boyfriend, we've been trying to make living situations work. Now we're in the "weekly trap" because his bad credit and felonies. Spending $250 on a motel room weekly +food when food stamps run out means saving is impossible.
Since I had no insurance, we accidentally created an organism that I'm currently hosting.
My heart breaks for that organism because I've been such a fuck up my whole life that I don't have a leg to stand on, and nothing to provide for it. It's difficult to get a job when you're beyond depressed and don't know where you will be from week to week.
When I called all the resources in my city to ask them for advice on resources, there aren't any. None. Waiting lists for housing are 3-10 years. My stupid ass will be having this baby in 5 months.
I feel like the organism will be better off if I just give birth to it, let it's father figure it out. And just kill myself. Because I can't live my life knowing I failed my child and got it taken from me because I was too much of a fuck up and have no family and no resources.
Shelters aren't an option because their waiting lists are 6 months as well.
I fucking hate what I've done to myself and my life and don't want to try any more.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I dont want to die. I just think it is the only solution at this point [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I hate self hating asians I don't really know how to say this. I'm an Asian American from NYC. There are a lot of other Asian Americans where I come from, so growing up I never felt like being Asian made me different or set me apart. It was just background noise to me. I never thought about it much. That's true for a lot of Asians Americans where I come from. After I started college, I became interested in perspectives from other Asians in America. I started reading posts on reddit and other places online. I read about how Asian men are seen as effeminate, weak, and undesirable. I read about how Asian women hate, ridicule, and won't date Asian guys. I read about how Asian women are subservient, docile, and compliant.
I've seen a lot of posts from Asian Americans on reddit ruminating over these things. But they seem so alien to me. I can't relate with them at all. I grew up with so many Asians that are nothing like these stereotypes. Sleazy ghetto Asians and gym rat Asians. Loud, sassy Asians. Every single Asian I know has dated other Asians, and I've never, in my whole fucking life, heard an Asian woman blast other Asians like these posts say they do. And yet so many Asians on reddit seem to be absolutely drowning in their own self-loathing, reaching a point where it seems they've even convinced themselves of the racism and mockery that others have levied against them.
But that's not what I need to get off my chest. I understand why they feel that way. If you grow up in a situation where you're the only Asian around, in a situation where you're bullied and made to feel like less than a person for it, then I understand why you start to hate yourself and why you start to hate other Asians. I'm not saying that your experiences aren't valid, or that they aren't real. But it's the people who are most discontent that will voice their grievances the loudest. Those grievances don't represent all of us. They don't even represent most of us. But people will think that they do anyway.
I don't want to treat anyone with contempt. I want to be an empathetic person. But I think I've seriously started to hate people like that. I don't know if that's okay. I don't want to hate the people who have clearly had it the worst. But I can't help but feel like people will lump us together and think of us as having the same problems.
I don't want to inherit anyone else's problems.
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self.offmychest
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Getting help and where to go from there First time poster. Let me be up front, I don't know anything about anxiety from a medical/categorical view. All I know is that I *think* I've been living with chronic anxiety for a long time and it has gotten really, really bad with college.
First of all, some background just to get you into my mindset: I study and work in the physical sciences, chemistry to be exact. Currently conducting research as well as taking several junior level classes. And man, I have never felt shittier. The only time I have felt this garbage is when I was a freshman in a new state with no friends, feeling crushing loneliness. I am constantly, constantly worried about my research. I am always afraid of something going wrong and when it does go wrong my anxiety goes through the roof. I am terrified of my boss being mad at my shitty results and these thoughts consume my thoughts. Also, knowing school starts tomorrow after a pretty good 2 week break is stressing me out to the point of me suddenly shedding a few tears thinking about the troubles I'll face this quarter.
Well I've gotten sick of it and I'm pretty sure my friends are sick of me talking to them about the bullshit I feel. I'm ready to do something about it and plan to go to my school's counseling service. The question I have is, can my school counselors prescribe anti-anxiety medicine? And what do I do moving forward? Just take the medicine until one day I don't feel like I need it anymore?
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self.Anxiety
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I am tempted to do something mildly unethical. Should I or not? Can stop thinking about it [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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God she fucking ruined my heart. I NEED your words guys. I'm so fucking sad. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Behind my smile I am depressed
I am suicidal
I am not a threat to myself
I am on anti-depressants
They don't cure depression
They gloss over the core of the issue
The crushing weight on my chest becomes more numb
I can still feel it's there
Anti-depressants make it easier to smile
I still try to tell people
That I need help
I say it in my actions
I say it in my words
I say it in my hugs
I say it in my jokes
I say it in my smile
I have suicidal thoughts swim through my head
But I remain strong for the time being
I know I won't act on them because I've been there before
I know what it feels like
And I'm not there
I worry that some day may come
And I won't be as strong
And I'll fall closer and closer
I had friends that care about me and I know that
Each one make it a little easier
But they all feel so distant
When I'm alone at night
When I watch them interact
When I listen to their memories
I've tried so long
To find someone who I can put my trust in
Who I don't have to worry about
About them moving away
About them not talking to me
just because I didn't start the conversation
That when I say I hate myself
They would know it's not a joke
They would know what to do
Because I sure don't
I hate myself more than I've hated anyone else
I despise every single thing about me
And I could list off parts of me
And a list of reasons why
Or I could think how better off it would be if I weren't here
I am on anti-depressants
I am not a threat to myself
And even though I know this
And tell myself everyday
I am still depressed
I am still suicidal.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Changing med times I take quetiapine every night at around 10 pm. I missed a dose last night because silly me forgot to pick up my repeat prescription so I'm running on 0hrs sleep. I'm exhausted and want to take my meds now (8pm) and then go back to 10 pm tomorrow but I'm wondering if that'll affect me negativly.
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self.bipolar
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Coke Can Panic I read a comment on reddit about a guy panicking over a coke can, getting frustrated and yelling at the can and fighting back tears.
That's me. I'll yell at the can and throw it and get frustrated that I threw the can and wasted it. Then I'll scream about something that happened 10 years ago and how it relates to the can and what happened earlier that day with something that to other people makes no sense but makes perfect sense to me. Because it's all a butterfly effect.
And then I calm down and realize everything will be okay. I'm just glad my panic attacks don't last 5 hours anymore. I used to have to sleep to stop them, drink half a bottle of liquor then sleep.
Now, I just kinda try to cope and deal with the scratching anxiety at my heart hoping it will go away if I ignore it, but then it gets greater and greater.
Then I'm hiding inside avoiding everything bc im paranoid.
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self.bipolar
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I'm feeling lost I tried to kill myself last Sunday by cutting my wrists open. I don't remember what went down that evening to be honest. I guess I panicked after seeing what I've done so I went to the nearby hospital. Doctor stitched both my wounds and asked if I'll be alright and I said yes. But now with both of my hands in bandages I can't work so I'm stuck alone in my apartment and I'm already getting these thoughts again. I'm thinking about hanging myself.
I seriously don't know what to do anymore. Do I need help? I have no friends, I'm lonely every time and sometimes I'm feeling depressed. I also don't want to tell my parents about that because they deeply care about me and I know when I tell them things will never be the same between us.
I had two failed attempts before but I managed to get my life straight somehow and telling myself that it isn't pointless. But the last weeks were rough and I realized that I better be dead. I think I saw a thread in this sub where OP asked if life isn't meant for anyone and I somehow agree with him. Life was wasted on me.
Edit: Sorry for my bad english.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become? That's a line from my favourite poem. 14 Lines from Loveletters or Suicide Notes. It's a question that I've seen around a lot and I don't have a good answer but I have an answer that works for me at least.
When I got to my last year of highschool everything seemed to be going great. I was in a good school, I was getting good grades, I'd even been offered a place at my ideal university at my ideal course with a possible job offer at my ideal company at the end of it.
And then I sort of just let it slip through my fingers. Now it's two years later, I'm working a minimum wage job, living in a place that is just pulling all my childhood trauma to the surface and making it impossible for me to sleep or even eat, with no ambitions or prospects.
But I'm the happiest I've been in years. The happiest and the healthiest. I'm closer to my boyfriend, I have a group of close friends who are the most wonderful people, I'm drinking and smoking less, I'm self harming less, I have a pet mouse called Magnus who is just such a good boy. Even if things didn't go as planned I've ended up somewhere that makes me happy.
So how do we forgive ourselves for all the things we did not become? We don't. But we can always become something else.
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self.offmychest
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We were supposed to be ride or die. You destroyed me, now I'm returning the favor. (I hope you read this, M.) [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Holy shit how many types of antidepressants do I have to take before I want to stop killing myself? I've been on a half dozen by now... none of them are working...
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self.depression
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I don't want to see you. But cutting you off would just make things worse. Since the first stages of our friendship, I have never been able to tell if you are truly a friend, or just a critic. You poke fun at my makeup and clothes. You told me that my writing (my greatest dream, mind you) was a waste of time in college. You tease me for my hobbies and interests (because heaven forbid I watch other shows/read other books than the ones you like). You taunt me for my shyness. You act like I'm a freak because I'm not really into the party scene. You told me I was a "lost cause" for having only dated four guys so far in my life. You defended my ex and toxic, manipulative ex-friend after they got together (a week after he left me) and acted like I was in the wrong for cutting them out of my life. My ex-friend bullied and blackmailed me into submission and you just stood there and fed into her bullshit. Every time you invite me to hang out, you talk about yourself for hours and I never get a word in. If I try to tell you what's going on in my life, you either change the subject or stop listening. You act like you're some all-knowing force in my life and that I'd be lost without your "guidance". You are barley four years older than me and you act like I'm some inept little kid who can't think for herself.
And when I try to tell you that you've hurt my feelings, it's all *my* fault. I'm too sensitive. I'm overreacting. "Getting mad at me is just wrong!" I try to explain to you how I feel. I try to tell you that I'm not lashing out; I just want you to own up, apologize, and watch what you say to me. But I can't even do that without setting you off.
I know that you don't care what's going on in my life. Like I said, the only times you've reached out to me this semester were to talk about yourself. You knew that I was diagnosed with depression and disordered eating struggles earlier this year and you never even asked how I was doing. You didn't congratulate me on getting accepted into my program. When I told you I got into a relationship, you brushed it off. (Or was it because you were angry that I'm not actually a "lost cause" in love?)
I am not your plaything. I am not your whipping girl. I am not a puppet. I am my own person, and I don't freaking need you to "mentor" me. But if I cut you off, you'll stir up drama. You'll try to turn others against me, because you have a weird need to antagonize people. Every time I see you, you have some new negative thing to say about somebody. I can't help but wonder how many times *I* have been that person when you speak to other people.
I'm done. I'll be cordial to you, but I'm sick of giving you power over me. I have far better friends. I'm getting help for my mental health. I'm in a relationship. I am going to graduate, get a job, focus on my hobbies, and surround myself with people who love me and a few dogs. Sorry if that offends you.
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self.offmychest
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Humans aren’t suppose to live in a world like this. We ourselves are animals and we are programmed to live in the wild and really put in work for stuff. Now we have shelter, food, water and whatever we need whenever we need it. No hunting with friends or exciting things anymore.
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self.depression
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Severe insomnia makes my depression worse, depression makes my insomnia worse How do i break out of this miserable cycle? I struggle to fall asleep and then wake up after 2-3 hours unable to go back to sleep. Its fucked.
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self.depression
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Skipping a night of Seroquel okay? I’m a graduate student and I️ have to unfortunately pull an all-nighter. How bad would it be if I️ skipped the Seroquel for a day or two just so I️ can stay up late to work? I️ haven’t missed a dose since I️ started so I️ just want to be prepared for any side effects.
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self.bipolar
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hate being alive Some days seem difficult to get through because everything seems so taxing. On these days I have moments where I want to die so badly and I dislike the fact that I have another 50 or so years to live. Just the thought of that wears me out. Everything seems like a struggle. Feels as if life is passing me by and I'm merely existing. One day we'll all be dead and what were doing now will be nothing but a memory.
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self.depression
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I'm so lonely Loneliness kicked in and I haven't left my room for weeks, abandoning school work that are past due. I don't even know why I'm making this post but the sudden realization of my parents won't be with me forever and my boyfriend and I most likely won't last and my friends have their own issues made me incredibly anxious about life. I'm so fucking lonely and I'm scared of going out cause seeing other people make me feel even lonelier
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self.depression
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I don't feel like I can wear whatever I want to. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Went to bed four hours early I'm such a fucking joke
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self.depression
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The universe is forcing me to kill myself. I have been trying so hard to change my life. Nothing works. Its nearly over for me. What a sad story. If I don't find a job soon I will die at 26. Single since before I was diagnosed in college, unemployed for 2 of the 3 years since I graduated, and forever unstable. I have never known happiness or stability. Only endless pain.
As if I didn't already have it bad enough, I was laid off from my first job after only a year there and far less than that away from my parents' house, which I am writing this from. That destroyed me and I have been a wreck ever since. No matter how hard I try I can't find a job or feel ok. Nobody can help me with those problems either. I even have this one millionaire dad friend who couldn't even find me a job. Furthermore, professional mental health help doesn't work when your life is this miserable.
So I'm on the slow march to suicide. The pain of missing out on everything my friends have had for years is too much to bear. Furthermore everything I have been through has turned me into a monster. I haven't made any new friends since before I was diagnosed. Job searching every day is maddening and I never get the role.
I just want to die. Guilt keeps me here and that is it. Eventually the pain and hopelessness will overcome the guilt if I take much longer to find a job and I will jump off of the parking garage I chose a long time ago.
See? I have no options other than the ones I am pursuing. I'm trying so hard too. But it doesn't matter and I can't take this for much longer. Thus, I am on the slow march to suicide. My life is mine to take when I don't want to live it anymore, and based off of what I have experienced so far, it is 90% pain thanks to my bad luck and mental health issues. Mine is a life not worth living if it continues to be like this.
edit: clarification
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self.SuicideWatch
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Swallowing/choking anxiety. Who do you see for help about this? Unfortunately over the past few years I've developed somewhat of a phobia to swallowing food. It started slowly, initially I had trouble swallowing saliva when 'stuck' in somewhere like a plane. But it progressed, to not being comfortable eating in front of other people and then to not being comfortable eating alone.
The problem is, the more you think about swallowing (and the negative consequences) the worse it gets. Also when you think about it, you can actually semi bring on the choking outcome, as your muscles function differently when they're controlled not automatic.
I'm not really sure who to see about this. I have a psychologist that I've seen a few times over the years for help, but I mentioned this to them a year back and they didn't seem to have an outcome. I doubt its anything structural so a regular doctor can't help.
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self.Anxiety
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I feel tired and depressed all the time! Hi there everyone. I feel that I don’t have the energy to focus at school, I also feel depressed all the time which makes my time at school even worse, now I have to move a test about jobs to get more time to study and I just feel even more sad. I’m to tired to focus at what I’m doing and it just gets worse and worse, I used to be able to handle it but it’s to much right now, being sad and tired isn’t a good mix, thanks for reading.
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self.depression
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I'm pushing 30 and I don't have much to show for it. Lives with parents.
Not broke but not wealthy.
Still an undergrad (will get a BA in history in a year)
No car. I have my permit.
10/hour retail job for the last 3 years.
Never been in a relationship.
I still really don't know what I want to do or any idea how to live my life. I have social anxiety and I really don't have any friends I see outside work or school. I've never partied and it's kinda too late.
There is some hope, I'm thinking of getting into a library career after I graduate and I have a connection to a former student for a former professor of mine. I'll have more time to practice driving over the break.
I feel like a perpetual beginner, I have no faith or confidence in myself. I have no game with women but I'm considered handsome so I get attention sometimes which leads to me rejecting them awkwardly.
I just don't know anymore, I realize only now after thinking I want to be a scientist since I was a kid that I really don't know what I want out of life. This isn't where I expected to be at almost 30.
I'm a good guy, I think, and most people I know like me but I just feel kinda aimless.
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self.offmychest
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Advice needed Hi GAD/ mild ocd sufferer here.
I have been worrying about my health issues for 6 months. This ranged from heart attack worries to cancer worries. Lately my worries have manifested into mental health worries. I have realised the internet is my nemesis in this one. I wanted to learn more about anxiety but instead the internet kept telling me that depression and anxiety are always together and the symptoms are almost the same
To have read that, snapped something in me. I rrally did not want depression and started to worry i was eventually becoming depressed and now i have convinced myself i am. I really dont want to end up so depressed i might kill myself. I am seeing a psychologist the 4th of januari. My ocd thoughts about how i might kill myself gives me intense anxiety as well
Can anyone with depression tell the differenxe between anxiety and depression? My libido has always been very high ( and it still is), im still looking forward to things and the future, i still reguarly meet with friends and i am still able to laugh and make jokes. What gives me the feeling of depression is that since my first (non drug induced) panic attack 3 months ago, i have felt different. Everything is more blurry, it feels like i miss what is going on around me and my mind keeps wondering if that it is due to depression. Due to my mind constant rattling about why i might or might not be depressed, my mood has gone down due to me being slightly more irritable but my mind also thinks thats due to depression.
Am i depressed or is it just my GAD?
Anyone can relate to this?
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self.Anxiety
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Only using meds when needed? I had my major mental breakdown a year and a half ago. I’ve been on meds for about a year now and I feel like they’ve accomplished their purpose. Even though I’m not swinging high and low anymore, I feel numb to everything and I’m not enjoying life anymore.
I want to slowly go off my meds, just wondering if anyone has gone on and off meds and only going back on when they start having problems. Have there been any issues with this method?
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self.bipolar
|
My fear of flying is killing me I'm flying to my homeland tomorrow and I'm actually so scared. I just want to burst out in tears. I want to overcome this fear so badly and I just can't, no matter how many times I fly, I just can't get over this feeling. It's just so insane, that feeling you get in your stomach when you takeoff, the fact that you are so high up, turbulence, and I'm so scared of something going wrong, god forbid but I don't know, I'm just so scared and I wish I could do something about it.
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self.offmychest
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22F starting cipralex 10mg I have been to my doctor a couple times now regarding my anxiety. I am generally an anxious person, but I have felt lately like I no longer have control of it, and that instead, it has control over me. It is interfering with my social and academic life, and I can't control negative thoughts once they start. I have trouble remembering that my thoughts aren't the truth, and tend to think the worst in things/people before they have even happened. I am also irritable and very impatient like 90% of the time, and I hate feeling like this. I'm feeling hopeful about starting medication, but I have a few concerns.
I'm looking for other peoples experience with this medication, and any side effects they have experienced. I am on day 3 and felt a little loopy after the first dose, but I feel like that might have just been me overthinking things. Also, did anyone have trouble coming off this medication? If so, what did that involve?
Thank you in advance :)
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self.Anxiety
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how do I? How do I really know if I'm depressed? Too scared to talk to anyone so going to someone about it probably won't happen. You guys are the only people I can talk to.
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self.depression
|
In 24 hours my family will lose 12k in income thanks to the GOP tax bill. We already live in my mother's basement. MAGA! For those of you who are unfamiliar with the scope of the new tax bill, this will profoundly effect graduate students. My husband currently receives a 20k stipend on which he is taxed for attending graduate school with his tuition of 50k a year waived in exchange for teaching classes and generally being smart and resourceful. Right now he is only taxed on the 20k because that's all we ever see. Under the new tax plan, he would instead be taxed on the whole "value" of his education instead of what he sees in his paycheck. This means he will be taxed on 70k instead of 20k. This means we will lose 12k a year in income. This means we remain in my mother's basement indefinitely. This means our son has to come out of daycare because we can no longer afford it. This means I have to choose whether or not to stay home in order for my husband to finish school. I have a career. I don't have an extra 12k. This means hanging myself by the bootstraps I was supposed to pull myself up with because fuck it why bother? . This is it folks, this is making America great again.
I hope all the assholes who voted for Trump are happy cause guess what, you pissed off this libtard
I hope our lives were worth it
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self.offmychest
|
Withdraw Doc confirmed I've been in withdraw from seriquil (sp) for over a week. Bumped up prescription but not quite to last level. I've felt miserable. When will the nightmare end?
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self.bipolar
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I hate my adoptive sister So a bit of background, I was adopted by a family that knew myself and my older brother when I was 14. I'm now 21. This family has 3 of their own kids, and my adoptive sister is the eldest, at 29. When I was younger the age gap was quite big in respects of where we were in our lives, but now that we are both done studying, grown up a bit etc it's not that big. I suppose I say that I hate her, perhaps its just great dislike or whatever you want to call it, but resentment has been building up inside of me for the past 7 years. It's not that there's any sense of jealousy in the fact that this is her real family, it's just that I honestly hate her personality, she is a very opinionated, passive aggressive hypocrite. How she feels is the way things should be, she doesn't care about anyone else's views on things. I'm feeling really angry at the moment because of an incident that occurred last weekend. My sister is pregnant and last week Saturday we were at one of our cousin's kid's birthday parties and towards the end of the day our other cousin came out to sit next to us and talk. As far as I knew it was a conversation between the 3 of us about general things like hair and make up etc and somewhere along the line my sister stood up and excused herself and went into the house. Because she has been the one sitting closest to my cousin, when she left I moved over into the empty seat so that we could be closer while we talked. About 10 minutes later my sister came back out and had an outburst, she said something along the lines of 'so you just took over the conversation and now I see my seat is taken as well', it was so embarrassing that my cousin even commented 'it must be the pregnancy hormones' and my sister responded 'no darling, no pregnancy hormones here'. I just that it was unnecessary to belittle me like that and the fact is that all 3 of us were sitting together and talking. This is one of many incidents that causes a fire to rage inside of me. Other issues like the fact that she lives in our outbuilding with her husband and so she is up by our house every morning, sometimes when I walk into the lounge in to morning and she is so into her phone, when I greet she won't respond, and she sometimes sits like ha for up to 5 minutes without acknowledging my presence. My fiancé always asks me why don't I speak up and stand up for myself but I'm not that type of person. And I get married in 2 months so I see that as my freedom where after I will only have to deal with her when absolutely necessary. Sorry for the rant, I just needed to get this off my chest.
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self.offmychest
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Irrational feelings I’m going to college next year, and we have the financials figured out (no loans, yay!)
Yet, I have a really bad feeling that something is going to happen and it’ll all fall through and I won’t be able to attend school when fall comes. This fear has been keeping me up at night and I’ve been getting little to no sleep, even though I know nothing like this is going to happen
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self.Anxiety
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Can't do job well because of anxiety I've switched to a new job about 6 months ago but until now i still can't get used to it. Anxiety is so terrible i can't get my job done well. Whenever my manager or colleague will ask me to do something i will always miss some details. I hear everything but I don't understand it completely, sometimes just simple things. Even if i try to write it down or take notes i will still miss something. My comprehension is so slow when i get anxiety attacks and i get so stressed every single time thinking I'm not capable enough to do the job. I've thought of resigning multiple times but i don't want to run away just because I'm having a hard time. However i can feel the frustration of my colleagues whenever i can't do my job well.
Please give me tips on how to overcome this. Anxiety consultation and meds would just be second or last option.
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self.Anxiety
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I'm just wrong. Recently finished another pathetic attempt at romance, realizing that if no one seems to want me, it's probably for a good reason. Not even the whole mental health thing; I know plenty of people who have depression, anxiety, and whatnot, and they also are in fantastic relationships.
So. The *real* reason no one particularly wants me? I'm just a bad person. Not in a cool, edgy way, but in a stupid, lame way. I'm still not sure what part makes me undesirable, but I can only guess that my inability to figure that out also plays a big role in it.
I was taught, at an early age, that whenever something goes wrong, I have to accept responsibility for it. Wasn't my fault? Out of my control? Bullshit, stop making excuses. You need to learn responsibility. So now, with basically anything bad happening in my life, I always internalize blame. Dropped and broke something? Pay more attention, dumbass. Hurt someone's feelings with an angry response? Learn to control yourself and be the better man, dickhead. Just barely hear about some demographic's suffering? Be proactive and donate/volunteer to help them, piece of shit.
I do things wrong. No, that's not the point. I'm thinking about this wrong. You're not supposed to put your interpretation on it, just take it exactly as it is! I... exist wrong?
**TL;DR**: I'm just wrong.
Not sure why I'm even posting this, no one's gonna care, as usual.
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self.depression
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I live inside my head and I want out I'm finishing up high school and when it comes to grades that's going fine. I don't study shit and yet top marks just fall on my lap. I have a friend who I love dearly and a group of online friends that have managed to keep me from throwing myself out of my room's window. But it doesn't matter much anymore. There's a disconnect between everything else and me. People talk to me and during that time my mind has created half a dozen of fantasies and scenarios, half of them suicide-related. Nothing gives me true joy anymore, just momentary escapism. I have goals in the sense there's videogames I want to play and books I want to read, but the future terrifies me and I don't want to go through it. I don't fit in anywhere physically and mentally.
I feel like everything's falling apart yet nothing is happening. Maybe it's just the feeling that time's running out. Some days are better than others, this week is being dreadful.
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self.depression
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Happiness. Some thoughts I have been having. I told my partner "I'm trying to be more happy!" and he asked how I was going to go about doing that and I had no clue. I honestly thought he'd have some tips because he doesn't have a worry in this world. And then I thought "I have a mood disorder. How the fuck am I just going to be more happy?" Does that make sense?
Do I sound unreasonable when I say I'm going to try to be happy? I mean, my partner had doubts, and he's the most laid back chill positive thinking person I've ever met.
Is it a fake it til you make it sort of thing? Like plaster a smile on my face and hope it works? Because I do that every day for work and it's exhausting.
And on top of it all, I ran out of my antidepressant (with my insurance, I have to do mail order pharmacy and they are lagging). So now I'm feeling like I really have no chance. Not that the antidepressants make me happy. They just make me not depressed, you know?
I'm just tired of being grumpy momma who hates everything.
Edit: I ordered some CBD oil but it's lagging on being delivered. I was hoping it would help. Now I'm getting anxious that it got lost because I've had packages get lost and never delivered.
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self.bipolar
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I really want to kill myself, but cant work out the courage to. [deleted]
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self.depression
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My anxiety is driving my relationship into the ground. I've been in a long-term relationship for four years now. We've struggled with communication issues often but fought hard to get better at it and make it work.
I used to be really bad with suppressing every little thing that upset me, until something would trigger a full blown panic attack and all emotions would come rushing out. It's quite draining on myself, and my boyfriend who expressed he feels frustrated and helpless in the situation. Probably worth mentioning he's struggled with depression for a while.
Now I'm working harder to bring something up for discussion when I'm upset. Even if I think I'm being irrational, dramatic or whatever. A large part of my anxiety stems from invalidating my own feelings. But still it takes me a while (couple hours after incident) to calm myself down, assess the situation, and determine if it's worth the potential argument/ruining the day.
Does anyone else's anxiety prevent them from properly addressing relationship issues? Ironically my tendencies of worrying excessively cause much more anxiety for myself every single time.
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self.Anxiety
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Severe depression ruining my life Don't know why I even bother writing anything, or doing anything for that matter as I don't feel any joy whatsoever and haven't felt any joy in years.
Why would I even bother being sober since everything a sober life would offer me is of no value to me? I've been on various antidepressants and some of them like NSI-189 helped me a ton with depression but they never helped bring my drive back, my drive to become something, to have a 'busy' life.
Ever since my psychosis I've been dissociating all the time. Most of the time I don't even know whats going on or what I'm doing. If a desire arises I kill it with anger and I've become more aggressive and ruthless with people.
My literally only passion right now is lifting and I keep sabotaging myself everyday with drugs and waste so much potential because I CANNOT ACCEPT LIFE cause life is just a series of appearances with no meaning and basically endless suffering. It's hard to want anything in life when the reality is a sad one.
The main reasons I'm still sticking around is all the shit I've created in my life and my ability to dissociate from myself and surrounding.
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self.depression
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Stuck in a sleepless cycle. So as many probably know some bipolar medications lead to weight gain and a chance of developing diabeties. Because of this I am on 1000mg of metformin a day. It works well but causes insomnia, like so bad I feel like crying or having a break down pity party, kind of ironic that I take a medication to treat the side effects of a bipolar medication and the medication for the side effects makes me seem even more bipolar but anyways. Seeing no end in sight for this insomnia, how do you function on little to no sleep? Self care tips? Food tips? Caffine tips?
Apparently with metformin it can make your body react differently to food I was fine with before. So I cut out tomatoes and slept fine for a week, then had a pita 2 days ago with the tiniest amount of diced tomatoes.
Also is any one else familiar with the medication metformin, if so did they find some foods just didn't agree with them anymore?
I know for sure tomatoes, but is there any other common food intolerance?
Thank you
Appius246
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self.bipolar
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What do I do I don’t know what to do. I just don’t. My girlfriend left me. My best friend splattered his brains all over his wall. My sister got in a car crash and is dying. My mom died from cancer. My dad packed up and left when I was little. I have no one now, and now I want to join my friend.
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self.offmychest
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i dont even know anymore sorry this is so long.
i just need to get this off my chest and no one else will listen. this is going to be a throwaway account too because i dont want others to find out about this.
i'm so sick of this life im living. i wish there was some sort of restart button, where everything could just start over. i just hate my current life so much and i don't know what to do. i'm a horrible person and i honestly don't understand how anyone can bear to be around me. i feel like all my friends are just faking it, like this is all just an act and that they all secretly hate me. i feel like even some of my closest friends just aren't honest, and that they wish that i didn't exist. i have random mood swings too. some times i'll be really irritable and aggressive, but within moments i can freeze up and become all mopey and sad. my aggressive moods have even escalated to the point where i stabbed one of my friends with a pen but i didn't even feel bad or anything. when im sad i break down and become useless. everything becomes so exhausting to do and i just want to sleep all day. my sleep schedule has been completely destroyed as i sleep about 5 hours during the weekdays and about 15 hours on the weekends. i feel like these mood swings are affecting my academic progress as well. my mind has been slower than ever recently and it's become increasingly harder to keep up my grades. i feel like im going crazy. i swear ive been hearing things and am always paranoid that people are watching me and just feel like im going insane sometimes. i hate everything about my body too. i weigh too much and im short and i have yellow teeth and i have terrible acne and i just hate it all. im gay too which doesnt help much. and haha this seems a bit like your classic oh no look at this stereotypical sad gay boy story but i dont know how else to describe it. being gay is also a big source of all my anxiety because i've hardly told anyone and am scared how they will react. im scared of the bullying that might happen which thankfully i havent experienced yet. i've thought about cutting and i've tried it too but i really dont like the sharp pain so instead i just claw away at my wrists with my nail until the skin all peels off. but worst of all though, sometimes i feel like im the biggest faker. like a hey look at me i want attention sort of act but im not even really sure anymore how i truly feel about this. ive never told a doctor about any of this so i haven't gotten any advice from a doctor either. anyways thanks for reading and to be honest this seems more like a rant than anything else but thanks anyways.
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self.depression
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Chest tightness that lasts for a few days after a panic attack? Does anyone else get this? Just making sure that I'm not alone here. I will often get what feels like leftover tightness on the left side of my chest after enduring an anxiety episode.
It's definitely calling my lifestyle into question though. I could cope fine with depressive episodes. I cannot cope with feeling physical distress symptoms.
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self.Anxiety
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How do you get out of your own head? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Immediate feelings of guilt, shame, depression, suicidal thoughts? Anyone else? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Forced incest has me regretting everything and feeling like I should die. Please help me Once when I was 14 and she was 12-13 I decided it was an okay idea to place my cousin's hand on my penis for a few moments while she slept. I never did this again and I'm not sure why I did to begin with.
A year later I think I caught her aggressively trying to put her feet into my pants. I tried to stop her and held pants back but she wouldn't stop.
She told her friend who told her family what I had done with her hand and we weren't allowed to see each other anymore for a while. After that we got back together and life was normal, like nothing ever happened.
Like 5-6 years later she became suicidal and even though her home life was really bad I can't help but think it was all my fault. This was at a time when we all hung out and things were happy. This guilt and remorse is weighing heavy on me 10 years later.
Did I destroy my family and should I never be allowed to live happy?
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self.offmychest
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Radiohead(s) Since music is one of the few aspects of my life keeping me alive, I was wondering how many people here listen/like/love/would die for Radiohead? Their music articulates my depression to an astonishing degree and I presume so for others too but I just wanted to know for sure.
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self.depression
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Fuck this I wish I had never been born. I hate my life. I am addicted to sleep because it's the only place I can be where I feel in control and truly happy.
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self.bipolar
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I hate being a girl: Part II
*Exerpt from chat log with friend's replies removed because it was the best synopsis of whats going on I could tell*
...It's okay. I'm not even mad at you. I just didn't want you to misunderstand the point. I feel like I can't play by the rules nobody talks about and it impacts me and hurts me every day.
I know what a red flag looks like, this is just like playing minesweeper at expert level.
This is getting roofied at a business cross-promotion meeting because you're a naïve idiot who thinks people wouldn't really hurt you, or *"That happens, but that would never happen to ME!"*
Yes. Yes. *It can.*
I made it out safe from that. If I didn't have a clue why I was falling a sleep in my food after leaving and rushed to the bathroom to take an adderall I had on me, I would not have stayed awake long *enough* to get home. Thank god I had it on me.
....He sent me a friends request last week, like nothing ever happened.
I was stupid to be so naïve, lucky to get out, and lucky to avoid it in future....because it did happen again.
A man trying to get himself alone with my cocktail, or order it *for me* before I arrived. We were thinking of collaborating musically. I knew better than to let him get near my drink.
He showed up in my life when I made someone important really mad at me. I made a lot of people really mad at me over not "playing ball".
Minesweeper on expert level isn't impossible, by the way. But it's nerve-wracking and extremely scary and limiting, everything takes so much longer.
That's where I am at, career-wise. I see the snakes. I see the wolves. I have agility, sure, but the one minute you let your guard down...So, it's just not the thing I thought it was, none of it.
I wish someone could have let me know this was how things were a long, long, time ago so I could choose something else to do with my life.
That Kevin Gates song. *I see the snakes.*
You know, I sing that song (I don't say the "N" word)....but when I sing along....I like to pretend I am him...I'll never be Kevin Gates.
I'll always just be the one "who gon' play her part"...I still pretend, anyway. Pretend I have an ability to get there, to be powerful.
I guess this why I am writing this, right now. I feel like I'll always be some side kick, some commodity to make a man vastly more powerful. I'll still be as meaningless in the grand scheme of things at the end of everything...as I am today.
It's a hard pill to swallow.........I don't think things like this get better.
I hate being a girl.
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self.offmychest
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Ever wonder why we make things so hard for ourselves ? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Has anyone tried intensive outpatient programs for anxiety? I was thinking of doing one. It's like rehab but for depression and anxiety. I'm not suicidal but I recently quit and I have been home for almost 6 months now and I still do not feel any relief from my medication or symptoms
I just want to see what the experience is like as I know I won't be living there but going there probably multiple times a week for a few hours each session.
Thanks
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self.Anxiety
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u/IamCrocubot Go talk to your friend that you're ghosting u/IamCrocubot
Please reconsider what you're saying, there's no taking back such a thing. You can always seek to improve your situtation and make friends and just enjoy yourself. You've just got to stop and reexamine things from another perspective. You claim that you experimented with these drugs and encountered entities, I've never experienced such things, I can't quite understand what it means when people say these things.
Just look it over and self reflect, make better choices and stop being so hard on yourself. It's obvious that you're very susceptible to drug addiction, and perhaps that can be a first step back to living a good life, cease putting harmful things into your body, and go about establishing having good nutrition and maintaining hydration. These things sound relatively simple, however they're powerful, all we have is habit and the more benefitial ones you have, the better off you'll be.
Your habits seem to be leading you nowhere, so turn around and look that in the face, you've made mistakes and so have I and so has everyone, the thing about mistakes is that you can work toward stopping and correcting them whenever you're ready. It's obvious you need to speak with people, everyone needs friends, connections, it's fucking required, get out and about and talk to people, do things you enjoy that doesn't involve harming yourself or others.
here is what you private messaged me:
>I'm going to kill myself today. You probably already know this though. This reality isn't real. I don't know what it is. Maybe a simulation, maybe a dream, or hell. But it isn't real. I went too deep down the rabbit hole, for which there is no escape. I started probing the nature of things with psychedelics. My first real "spiritual" experience was with salvia, after taking and holding in a few hits I was immediately transported to another "dimension" with all sorts of sentient entities, and it all felt so familiar. During one of my adventures into wonderland I remember looking at the TV and remember seeing the weather girl looking straight at me saying "Ryan Alderfer, you're tripping balls". I didn't think too much of it, maybe just my brain under a powerful hallucinogen.
>Fast forward a few years I moved to a different state, started a family, and started experimenting with DMT. Every weekend I either smoked it or used it orally with an MAOI. I remember meeting my first hyperspace entity, very strange. That's what started my obsession with other dimensions, realities, entities.
I started buying all kinds of psychedelics (and other things) online. I remember taking 400mcg of LSD watching TV. And everything seemed so fake, like a parody. As if something was trying to talk to me through it. Every time I tripped (at that point every weekend) I watched TV, getting messages, like They we're talking to me through it, got to the point I didn't even need psychedelics to hear their messages, through TV, music, people, it was everywhere.
Then I entered the dark side of reality.
>Along with the psychedelics I also purchased synthetic opiates (which started a nasty, year long addiction) and MDPV (bath salts, I know). I used the Mdpv on and off, through binges. I never slept on it. Each passing day the psychosis grew stronger. By day three of no sleep I saw shadow people, everywhere. Day 4-5 they turned into hyper realistic demons, I'd hear voices in my head. Usually friends and family. I was going insane. At the end of my last binge I was up for two weeks. I saw spirits and demons all around me. One spirit told me that if I didn't eat and get some sleep that I would die the next day. I refused their command, taking another hit. The spirits disappeared. Long story short I thought the neighbors ratted me out to my boss, thought I lost my job, so I decided to kill myself.
>I marched through the orchards, already dehydrated and exhausted, I planned to keep walking til I died of exhaustion. Well I passed out, under a tree, woke up several hours later. Finding out that neither the neighbors nor my boss knew about my drug use, I had my ex dump the rest of the evil chemical down the toilet.
Well due to my opiate addiction I lost my house, my job, my sister-in-law took my daughters, I needed to get clean from my addiction. So I moved up to Oregon with my family to get clean. Well I successfully got off the heroin, but got hooked on meth. I used a lot, not learning my lesson from the bath salts, I stayed awake days at time. Full blown psychosis. I hallucinated that their was a conspiracy that all of reality was against me. So I left Oregon, hiked from Eugene to Medford. And although I was clean shortly after leaving Eugene, I still heard voices. Didn't know if it was schizophrenia, psychosis, or spirits tormenting me. The voices never went a way.
>From Medford I moved to my hometown of Fort Wayne, IN. Mainly to visit my best friend, who I was also in love with. I missed her, she always made me feel happy when I was near her. Well some drama happened during the summer, which got her pretty pissed at me (deservedly). So I moved in with a co-worker til I had enough money to move back to California. All while being tormented by the voices. Moved back to Chico, at the end of August. I was trying to do the right thing, trying get a job, a place to get my girls back. That was my goal. I was homeless, hanging out with the wrong crowd, and the idiot that I am decided to smoke meth again.
>This time I was convinced that people were reading my thoughts, that people that I knew (my best friend, my brother, others) we're following me, tormenting me. I started seeing messages about me every where, on Reddit, TV, music, everywhere. All subliminal of course. I've been clean for a few days but still see the messages, nothing makes sense, reality can't be real, this must be a simulation. I'm done. My sanity can't handle this. I'm hanging myself today. This is my suicide note.
Come and talk to people there's a bajillion people on reddit, I'll listen just speak use your words. Maybe your friend was a big part of your life and you ghosting her has caused you to feel isolated and alone. Why are you not going to talk to her if she's your bestfriend?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Where to start?! Hi,
I don't know how to start this thread, I'll try to be as honest as possible, maybe there are others like me :) :| :(
I never talked this kind of stuff besides with my wife and a close friend (but he died in a car accident ages ago).
I'm married with 2 children (4 years and 1 year old), I love my wife, I'm a freelance software developer, I do sports, I'm healthy, I have a home, a car and so on...
The issue is that, since I died (I was around 3 years old, did after that years of Phenobarbital and brain scans and so on) something changed inside, something which I call "Ust Nasad", it is a kind of a parallel world much more rough than this one. It is a kind of perpetum dream (I sleep here I end up there, I rest there and I end up here). Since I was 20 (I'm 32 now) I studied (as a hobby) psychology a lot so going to a practitioner is .. actually useless as I know the strategy they may use.
The true issue is that, with the time passing by, I'm more and more tired, wasted of energy. It is not physical energy that I lack (if I go now to the court I can play basketball without any issues 1-2-3 hours) but a more subtle energy, a kind of life force, the one that keeps you hoping, the one that keeps you alive. Nowadays, if I can sleep 2 hours per night it is more than enough to be ok for the rest of the day. But the sleeping time always went down no matter what I do (pills, teas, no blue light, no distractions, no X ... ). This causes slips with the "Ust Nasad" which is not really a pleasure. I'm not hurting anyone as when "I slip" I'm really really sleepy and I even nap for few seconds (but those seconds seem like hours).
Nowadays, I feel like the life has no meaning at all, that I don't really desire to do anything here at all. I started to force myself to do anything. I'm writing this message for the sake of my wife.
Thanks for reading this.
Sorin
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self.SuicideWatch
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To much stress As I progress in high school. Once I got to junior year I started to first have stomach pains (ibs), them tinnitus and later losing small part of my hair. And it has only progressed worse. I can't eat foods I like, it effects my athletic performance and I cant use headphones and go to concerts. Music and Sports 2 things that keep me living in the world are limited.
Will it ever go away?
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self.Anxiety
|
Grieving and having heaps of regrets at what should be the happiest time of year I miss my mum and my aunt. My mum was mentally ill but I was really good at looking out for her. My aunt was the one who would look out for me a lot whenever my mum had to go to hospital. She died around the middle of this year of cancer. The last time I saw her she looked thin but there was nothing to tell me it would actually be the last time I saw her. She was in such good spirits. The day that I found my mum dead was ridiculously normal. I can't get over or move on with my grief. I live with my dad and I keep thinking of how on earth to live when he isn't around anymore. All my life I have been a huge support to people and now it's like there's basically no one I can reach out to and be honest with. I've been described as being an angel for how well I look out for friends but where are my friends now? Nowhere...I keep having suicidal thoughts and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep this up. It's like the only reason I am here is because I need to work so dad and I can rent but honestly I hate my life and wish I was never born at all. It all feels like a stupid mistake.
No advice is needed this is purely for me to vent and if it gives any comfort to someone else who feels awful at this time of year then that's good. I've never acted on my suicidal thoughts. I've always been the one who has been there for others and been strong but I feel like I have nothing left. I cried for a while today whether because of tiredness or loneliness or a mixture of things I'm not sure. I'm usually good at looking at the bright side of things but I get really sick of putting a front on you know?
I would love to keep in touch with anyone who is going through anything similar. Pm me if you like. I feel like when my mum got put in the grave when I was nearly 19 that a part of me got put there too. I'm 27 now and I feel like the longer I live it's a waste because I can't do what I want. I have my degree in English and drama and a nice job at the bookstore but I feel so lonely it kills me. All these people who I thought were friends don't even speak to me now. I've tried so many times to open up to people only if they don't mind and then once I tell them what's happening for me they get all angry like I'm burdening them even though really I wouldn't want to say a word unless it was really ok...
Thanks for reading!
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self.SuicideWatch
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*not urgent* I don't know anymore First off I put not urgent so people who are in a much worse place might be tended to first.
I've been having mood swings the past few days and now I'm just plain depressed. I don't want to die, I just don't want to be here right now. I lost most of my friends recently, it was great I became happy for once not needing to deal with people who didn't care about me but at the same time I'm back to square one; alone. (that's not to say I want them back, I don't. Its just... yeah)
The thing that's been keeping me going over the years is video games. I love playing them, analysing them, and noting the mechanics, level design and script work. But now I have no one to play with, no one to talk to about it. Just sort of seems pointless to log in. It sounds pathetic but games are in a way my life. I'm going to Uni studying games design.
I'm just stuck, I don't know if I can make friends, and I'm not sure anyone would be willing to get to know me. I don't know anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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long vent ok so, do you ever feel only death can erase your mistakes?
i know it's a sick thing to feel, but i've made so many mistakes. i've hurt the people close to me (my mother, friends (??), a younger family member) just because (?) i don't know why. i don't know what i was trying to prove.
anyway, it just feels like i have to die. like, right now, before things grow worse, before i become even more of a leech, y'know? it's just so bad. and here i am, self pitying and seeking validation? i'm such a bad person.
'inb4' no you're not hotline responses...yes i am. why couldn't i have been stronger.
i don't even know why i'm making this thread. i guess i want someone to know how terrible i feel. can't just come out and say "i'm disgusted with myself" to the few people i know, they can't offer help.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Thank you all - my bipolar family! I post a “need help” on Thursday, about me having bad thought, a lot of you have reach me, on the post and also on chat, one have walked me thought that darkest time. For that, I’m greatly appreciated! Sometimes when we in an episode, everything went so dark, so fast, without reaching out, we fall further. I reached out for help, I got a lot of support, I hope you will too. This is a safe heaven for me, because none of us really know each other, i don’t show who i am for people because I afraid of what people going to judge me just by my bipolar, people going to feel bad for me and it’s all clouded of what or who I am. But I know this place is where I can tell all of you what i think, call out for help, or help another one. Sometimes medication wasn’t enough, we all need a support network, please keep it as is - a safe heaven.
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self.bipolar
|
Sick of constantly wanting to die I mean, like most people on this forum, I want to die. Constantly. Even when I am happy I want to die. I am just sick of always feeling tired and not feeling like my life is mine. I work three jobs and am taking part in graduate school. I have a best friend, whom I love very very much, but constantly feel like I have to emotionally babysit. I have a boyfriend whom I love but honestly can't feel comfortable with; my fear of him abandoning me makes it hard for me to relax and enjoy our relationship. I have lost two best friends whom I can't seem to get over or forget. My father, the only supportive parent in my life, has cancer. My mother is a complete c*nt and manages to make me feel guilty for existing despite me knowing full well our damaged relationship isn't my fault. I fear all of my friends really hate me and are putting up with me. I feel like school just isn't worth it. I'm so busy I don't have time to go see a doctor, or therapist, or go to the gym (exercise makes people feel better sometimes). Despite having 3 jobs I have money problems. Almost zero me time.
I want to die. But I'm scared of dying painfully. I want to die peacefully. I hate waking up. I don't want to feel this way.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Does anyone have hypothetical arguments in their head ? I keep having hypothetical arguments in my head with people that currently aren't treating me too great. It's driving me mad and is happening all day.
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self.Anxiety
|
I think I have rheumatoid arthritis. I'm 19. I was already depressed. I had resolved to make it for at least as long as my parents were living though. Now that seems impossible. I'm going to be a burden now and live in pain. One of the things keeping me going before was a lot of exercise and lifting weights. It doesn't look like I can do that anymore. I'm not sure I have the balls to kill myself but I think rationally it would be better. I'd really prefer some kind of tragic accident to happen to me.
The idea of looking at my hands when I'm only in my 20s and them being deformed and unusable is making it impossible to think about anything else. I'm sure some people could cope with it but I suppose I'm quite vain and I can't.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Can anxiety medication be used long-term? Are there any anti-anxiety meds that can be used for a lifetime?
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self.Anxiety
|
Everyone is telling me not to start my anti-depresants. I finally got the courage to go to the doctor about being depressed. I was prescribed a low dose anti-depressant. All of my friends are telling me not to take them. When I tried to explain to my boyfriend that the waiting list for counselling is too long (12 weeks if priority) and that this is a quicker help he said that they will fuck me up to which I replied "suicide fucks you up more" ( not actively suicidal, I am aware if I am left untreated that could be a possibility in the future). He is now attacking me making me feel like he thinks this is my fault.
I knew I'd get some push back from the idea of taking these meds but I didn't think everyone would be so against it. Should I still take them? Should I hide that I'm using this treatment?
EDIT: Realised title typo too late, sorry.
EDIT 2 Back for more: Thank you for all the responses, from both sides of the argument. The support from this sub is amazing, you've let me think this out and get stuff of my chest X
Stay Wholesome .
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self.depression
|
I have a long time struggle with anxiety and depression Early this summer, I went through one of the hardest times of my life. I finally got tired of all the things that have been plaguing me in the past and I (drunkenly) decided to try to take my own life. While I was sitting in my bed waiting for death to overcome me, a commercial came on my TV for a suicide hotline. I decided that maybe that was a sign and that I should call it to seek guidance in my situation. It helped and I was able to make it through the night with only my close relatives finding out. The next day I felt so ashamed. So I sought help through a therapist and got the help I needed.
Recently, I have started to feel better and my therapist noticed this. We had a great session and he seemed confident that I was doing okay. So he never rescheduled another appointment.
Now I have a great job,I am doing great with daily activities. But the depression is still there. I cant fall asleep at night because I have so much anxiety. My extended family is getting older and starting to die and my parents arent doing too well either.
I dont know what to do. I feel as though my depression will never go away regardless of how good or bad I am doing. And it terrifies me on a day to day basis.
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self.depression
|
[General] How I felt during the start of my depression. Now getting help and encourage anyone who needs help to get it. I'm hopeless. Trapped not because there's no way out, but because I am out. Nothing to challenge, nothing to solve, nothing to break free from, yet still trapped more than ever. I feel a strong urge to just burst, but nothing comes out. No longer caring about anything, i find myself caring about everything. It all crashes down on me, placing more pressure on me, yet it isn't the reason I'm trapped. I'm trapped by my self. So much to do yet there's no way I do it. It may get done by me, but I won't have done it. My autopilot is on, although I'm physically in this world, my mind is in a darker place. This disconnect between my mind and my body confuses and frustrates me, yet my anger towards myself masks itself in sadness and hopelessness. I don't care for myself anymore nor love myself. All I care about is those who love me, and that's enough for now. But will it always be? I have no desire to do anything, attend anything, eat anything, play anything. All I desire is for the weight to be lifted off my shoulders. This invisible weight that no one sees, making it 10x heavier. It's both my responsibility and my downfall. I'm expected to hide it yet solve it. Carrying it through daily activities as if I'm like everyone else, when on the inside I know I'm broken. I believe I might get fixed, but I don't even remember what being normal is like. I don't even remember the last time I was truly happy and not thinking of anything else. I try to be happy each morning, but it doesn't take long for the miserable gloom to kick in, covering all my thoughts like a cloud. My eyes are usually full of tears before I even realize my attempt to be happy has failed. It's a cycle of depression, with moments of feeling like it's fake, but hours of feeling it's pain.
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self.depression
|
I can't stop thinking that I'm fat and I hate myself for it [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Just wanted to share my story for once with someone [deleted]
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self.depression
|
School is making me miserable and everyone thinks I'm a bitch for those same words I just typed. I don't care.
I don't care.
I don't care.
Stop.
Stop.
Stop.
I don't fucking care what the teachers are trying to force into my brain, I don't care about grades, I don't care. I hate this place, I hate the people in it, I hate how it feels, I hate waking up at 7am to go on huge bus rides to spend a whole day in fucking mud while people kick me (figuratively) with people I despise only to arrive at 8pm so I can rinse and repeat. I don't do homework, just imagine if I did, I would pull allnighters every night. Everything about it is so stupid. I'm gonna fail and I don't care anymore. I'm gripping my insanity with my claws with all my might and strength and it's still slipping away at an alarming rate. Fuck this. And yes, mom, I am aware that it's midnight and I also don't care because sleeping is a waste of time. It's just less time I could be using to be on the computer.
Most likely no one will read. I just wanted to shout into the void and hope for someone to read and receive the message. I want to die. I wish I could feel numb, I just feel anxious and miserable and I'm hurting every hour of my life.
(sorry if there are any errors, i'm not reading what I wrote)
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self.depression
|
I am so fed up with this illness! I have bipolar disorder which means that once a year for about a moth and a half I go into very serious depression. Everything just seems hopeless and gray, like all the colour has vanished from the world. I have no real reason to be depressed, nothing has made me depressed, not the death of a family member or a horrible break up to push me down into depression. It's just the way my brain works. And I am so sick of it, its like a curse I can't escape. No matter what I do to try to prevent it it just comes back every year. This year I was super happy and in a new relationship, I was doing ok in school and there should be no reason to be depresses but here I am. Depressed. I don't want to be like this, I hate being like this. I want to be able to feel like myself again and not have this looming feeling of hopelessness hanging over me all the time. I want to have the energy to get up in the morning and get to school. I am just to fed up with it!
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self.offmychest
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im schlumpin and i have no reason to schlump [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I wish this brain zaps would stoppp ! So frustrating when these happen. I had a great day and then next thing you know I get a severe brain zap out of no where while at work. Then of course here comes the chest pain. And arm pain. And bad thoughts. Never fails. I just want relief.
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self.Anxiety
|
Possibly going manic, but I have no idea It’s actually making me kind of anxious. I thought I heard someone say they hate me, but it’d be uncharacteristic of them to say that, especially when I’m right beside them. I’m assuming it was a delusion/hallucination (I have audio hallucinations of my phone vibrating or water running sometimes), which I believe is a symptom of mania? But I feel stable today. I’m on an antidepressant and a mood stabilizer which isn’t at a high enough dose to do a whole lot. I’ve never been truly manic, so it’s a lot harder for me to say I’m about to go manic than if I was going to be hypomanic.
Also having problems talking (wrong tenses and that type of thing) and everything feels like it’s moving faster than me. Not having a good time, I think it could be one of the medications.
I’m making an appointment with my doctor tomorrow, they weren’t open today.
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self.bipolar
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My uncle just passed away all I feel is bitterness. For my aunt who is devastated, I feel terrible. I can't imagine what she's going through, my uncle has been the love of her life for 27 years. She was so happy with him and I can't imagine how she's going to move on without him. But my uncle, argh I'm so angry at him! He had cancer, he beats cancer. Five years later he gets cancer again and he refuses treatment. "Didn't want to deal with the side effects" he said, "Was going to cure it with positive thinking instead" he said. I still can't fathom how such a healthy, well-rounded and supposedly intelligent guy could delude himself into thinking he could will cancer away with his positive thoughts. According to him, that is what really cured him the last time. Not the medication, or the endless visits, or the hard working doctors and nurses, or my aunt run ragged with juggling everything to provide every means of support during such a trying time. No, it was the law of attraction and his unwavering belief that he was going to get better that cured him.
My uncle passed away and I really hate him so much right now.
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self.offmychest
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My mom keeps yelling at me I was hooking up the Switch and my mom kept yelling at me ;-; here's a short video of part of it https://youtu.be/HC4L0Xso0-8
I lost track of the four wires I was dealing with cuz she kept yelling at me and now all of the systems are messed up but anyways
now she kept slamming droors while making grill cheese for me and my niece, and I finally mentioned to her that its really loud when she slams the droors, and she pointed her spetula at me and said "[my name]!!!!!! Fuck off!!!!!!" and another time months ago I tweeted on Twitter that my mom looked straight at me and called me a "Motherfucker" but no one on twitter reacted, I guess I'll keep tweeting about this until I get the help I need
I'm so lonely and my mom keeps yelling at me
aaah
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self.Anxiety
|
Please help, i have A constant fear of heart attack in last two months i became litteraly too aware of my heart. Litteraly everything i feel in my chest feels like my heart hurts. I have read some articles about heart attacks and while it seems that i have no reason to fear the attack, and nobody in my family had any heart disease ever, i usually end up fueling my imagination more. when my parents leave for work, i end up sweating in fear, because i feel that something bad will happen while they arent home and because they arent home. My left hand has become hypersensitive because i have read somewhere that left hand going numb is an innuendo for heart attack. I have visited two different doctors and both have concluded that my heart is in good condition. Just for the reference, I'm 19 and of average body mass.
Please help.
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self.Anxiety
|
Question So, I have never wished I was dead. I can’t even think about that without feeling horrible for the impact on my family and friends. However, is it bad/ a warning sign that sometimes I wish I just stopped existing with no consequences and the world would just change so that I had never mad any of the changes I had?
Essentially, is it bad if I wish I had never been born and some other person had taken my place?
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self.depression
|
Did I deserve to be sweared at by my ex boyfriend for this? I just broke up with my boyfriend last night because he started swearing at me because I asked him (and I asked him nicely and cordially) to stop talking to me about how hot he thinks other women are. He then proceeded to curse at me, saying that he doesn't see what the problem is. The way he was cursing at me made me think he was psychotic. He now won't leave me alone, he is sending me millions of text messages and voicemails saying very evil things about me. He is saying he wants to crush my soul and make me kill myself, and he is using everything I opened up to him about against me, like how I am self-conscious about my small breasts and how shy I am.
I told him that it is okay if he looks at other women, just don't talk to me about how hot he thinks other women are out of respect for me. So he tries to rip me a new asshole by saying if he can't talk to me about hot women then I should delete the pictures of the male super models that I have in my phone.
I am a one-woman man. I don't like to look at other men when in a relationship with a man. But since the first day I met him he kept talking about hot women to me and I figured I would download pictures of male super models. Him talking to me about hot women is the reason I downloaded the pictures of the male models in the first place to make him jealous because he was turning me off by talking about other women.
He keeps texting me calling me inferior and slow and stupid and it is making me physically sick. I have a knot in my stomach, my heart won't stop skipping beats and I haven't slept in almost 2 days because his vicious words really hurt me. I have only been with him for a month and a half.
Does the extremely aggressive way he was talking to me mean he will try to physically hurt me? Does the fact that he has been blowing up my phone since yesterday mean that he will come to my house and try to hurt me physically? I am scared for my safety.
Edit: okay now he just told me not to sleep on him, and he said that if he was a woman beater that he would break my jaw in half.
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self.offmychest
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How to medicate effectively with my doctor I’m currently taking anti-anxiety and depression medication prescribed by my doctor. It’s been pretty successful at helping me manage my anxiety for a couple of years now.
But lately I’ve noticed that it’s seemed less effective. I’ve had two relatively severe anxiety attacks this week, and that’s not something I’ve had to deal with in ages.
But how do I know if it’s time to talk to my doctor? Also, how does one even do that if you’re absolutely certain they’re just going to think you’re looking for drugs to solve all of your problems? How much of this is my anxiety speaking rather than my rational brain?
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self.Anxiety
|
Best friend told me that I never tried putting myself into her shoes and that all I did for her was not enough. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I don't want this be my last hope I have friends and family that don't care or listen to what I have to say. My last few therapists have just been terrible (one stood me up and the other didn't even ask me a single question before prescribing medications, and spent a total of 7 minutes with me). I feel isolated and hopeless, and the few people I feel comfortable enough to talk to just ignore me or think it's not a major issue. I subscribed to an online counseling service, but I'm starting to feel like this is my last chance to find a solution. I don't want it to be, but all I can think about all day every day is how miserable I am. It has become an obsession. I used to aspire to such greatness... Now I'd just like to not live in physical and psychological pain every day of my life.
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self.depression
|
Same ole shit add the previous post. Same ole shit as the previous post. (Can't edit typos in titles unfortunately.)
So, Thanksgiving is over and it's time to start thinking about December plans.
My parents have a fairly large house and holidays have always been hosted there. (The following sort of crap wouldn't be happening if my parents were hosting) But this year my brother wants to host at his (smaller) new place. He and his wife starts a group chat to discuss potluck and secret Santa plans.
We all sort of dislike my aunt (dad's sister) but not her daughter. Aunt's apparently being boycotted because of her "holier than thou" and "know it all" attitude. But that presents two problems. Grandma is in the chat and should not be expected to keep a secret from her own daughter, and the aunt's daughter can't be invited even though she's totally cool. Secondly, she's my dad's sibling and his other sibling is being invited plus his kids (who are close to the cousin that can't be invited.) Did you get all that?
I understand wanting to keep distance from this aunt but it's still morally wrong. To include a portion of the family that she belongs to (dad's siblings) but exclude her is so not going to go over well at all. The kids are gonna talk. Grandma doesn't need that stress.
But you know what? This is the type of man my brother has become. A selfish prick that loves to control everything. And he married someone right up his alley.
Now I'm in the chat and they flat out say she's not included but try to play it off like there's not enough room at their house. I have access to a large conference room for free because of my employment and it's conveniently located. I offer the space as a solution and am told that it's really not about room but actually avoiding her because she's disliked.
So I drop it. Do not want to touch that with a 10 ft pole.
Next bit:
I had previously not been asked about scheduling or anything prior to this chat so I start asking about timing and such of the party and inform the group that I'm working Christmas 2nd shift but am off before 3pm and also on x mass eve.
I am told, bluntly, that considerations had been made already to include the most people and arrangements can't be changed last min for just one person.
Um... It's still fucking November and no considerations were made for me because I have apparently been completely excluded on communications. No one bothered to ask me what my schedule was like.
It seems to me that my brother made considerations for his favorite people and everyone is just expected to conform to his own conveniences or "too bad so sad".
I said, "well I guess I'm out then" and promptly left the chat.
It seems that my depression symptoms are highly situational (which makes me question their validity in the first place) because I couldn't deal with the sudden onslaught of shame, betrayal, and hurt that I suddenly felt. I had to step away since I was at work at the time and cry in the back away from customers.
My sister is my night in shining armor. She checked up on me almost immediately. My boyfriend tells me that I'm not crazy, that he sees exactly what I see when it comes to my family. He even thinks they're more toxic toward me (as evidenced by their behavior toward others, like my aunt) than even I admit. But everyone else gets pissed at me for feeling hurt. My mom can't handle it and starts going off on how selfish I am. My sister copies and pastes what's going on in the chat after I left and in there my brother is busy justifying his assholery to the group, and my sister defends me by saying "she never demanded anyone change the plans. She politely asked if it was possible."
Gosh, the whole length of time that I was in that chat was less than 30 min. And the wall of emotions that hit me afterwards was like a ton of bricks. Bam! Immediate and brutal. I guess I'm still raw from the events of Thanksgiving so recently but this was.... Just painful.
On another note, my future in laws are Hispanic. I'm whiter than a ghost. I find it similar to culture shock when I'm around them. So far, my MIL loves me to pieces and misses me when it's been too long. She's an awesome woman. The culture part is hard because sister in law's in laws invite EVERYONE over for any celebration. Nice big, typical gathering of multiple branches of family that aren't a part of the same tree. My finance is not related to his sister's in laws. But we're all invited. And they have a shared culture that I just don't relate to. I find it hard to find my place. I'm shy as hell and half the food is scary to me since I was never raised on it. Conversation is hard because I know so little Spanish. I'm always so scared to offend someone by not understanding through their accent, or hearing/saying the wrong thing. I get so worn out from the social setting that I can only handle about an hour before I start to feel sensory overload. But I can't leave without upsetting someone because it looks like in throwing their hospitality in their face.
They want me to participate in a secret Santa. Individually. As in, I get a name and a gift and my fiance gets another name and gift. And we're not treated as one entity (which I would have preferred). And if I don't draw my mother in law's or sister in law's names then I'm screwed. Because everyone else is part of this other family that I know nothing about.
I've never had an actual anxiety attack but in the last two years I feel like I'm getting closer and closer to literally experiencing one.
And here's where my brain is torturing me again. It keeps telling me that I'm more wanted by these strangers than my own family. And I can't bring myself to celebrate the fact that people do love me and want to have my presence because it's overshadowed by this idea that I'm not important to the people that should be obligated to love me.
The way my family treats me is subtle enough to make me always question if it's all in my head and I'm overreacting, or if something is really going on and I'm not crazy.
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self.depression
|
My family is being torn apart and I don't know what to do. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Anyone one lithium? I was just diagnosed with bipolar and was wondering if anyone has taken lithium.How was it? Any side effects or negative experiences on it? I’m a little worried because I have never been on anything before.
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self.bipolar
|
Been thinking about dropping myself head-first out of my third story window. I have thought about this method for more than a year. I read that a fall from this high would almost absolutely kill me. The only thing stopping me is the fear of surving with brain damage and other injuries. But even that may not be enough recently. I'm starting not to care. Each day I grow less and less apprehensive about it.
I am 20, female, a student. I don't deserve to live. Other people suffer all over the world, their pain is so much more than mine. Yet I feel like my depression has crippled me to the point of anchoring me to my bed
And then there are billions of people who contribute more to society than I ever could. All I have ever been able to do is go to school. I don't deserve a life that I'm ungrateful for. I ruin everything good in my life. I am incapable of doing even the most mundane tasks correctly. My life has no meaning. Tossing myself out of this window would be like taking out the garbage.
I just wanted to know how happiness feels. I wanted to know what success in doing what I enjoyed is like. But I can't enjoy anything anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm lonely and I don't know what to do about it. My boyfriend is getting busier and busier and hasn't had much time for me recently. It's made me see that I'm really relying on him for a lot of my social interaction.
I don't really have any good friends (besides him) in the city I'm living in. Everyone's moved away or lost touch or just doesn't seem to want to talk to me anymore for some reason.
It's putting me in a really depressing mood, especially since it hasn't even been a week since I've been back in the city (went home for the holidays and was constantly surrounded by loved ones, which was great) and I'm already feeling this way.
I'm pretty shy and have a hard time meeting new people. I signed up for meetup.com, but the idea of meeting up with a bunch of strangers sounds so unpleasant.
I'm also just losing motivation. I have lots of time to practice now, but I keep wasting time on my phone, or watching videos and stuff.
I've been kind of turning to weed, but I don't want to make smoking every other day such a habit. It used to only be weekends and sometimes after a stressful day, but it's starting to seem like the easiest and only feasible solution.
I don't know what to do.
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self.offmychest
|
How do you feel about mental illness on television? I was watching shameless today and [Spoiler Warning] it was talking about Ian's Bi-polar disorder and it got me thinking. When I see people on television with mental illness I can't understand why they won't get help, to me their illness is completely valid and should be getting help.. But when it's myself I just write it off, tell myself how I'm feeling is invalid that I shouldn't be feeling this, and just push it down.
I constantly have this lump in my chest it where it feels like all my repressed emotions just sit..
I feel like a land fill and all my emotions are things that should be disposed of safely but instead get buried and slowly leak into the earth polluting it and just making me a toxic person.
I'm lost and scared and depressed.. I don't know what to do..
I'm sorry if this is the wrong place for this, I just needed to write out how I was feeling and have someone anyone read it to give it validity since I can't seem to do it myself..
Thanks for taking the time, and if anyone who sees this feels the same I hope it gives you some solice to know you are not alone and that my DMS are always open for you.
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self.depression
|
I need help :( I'm not sure If I have depression, but I feel really sad. My boyfriend broke up with me, because he went back to his ex about one month ago. I've been really sad and today is been a rough day... I just can't stop crying. I've been cutting my arm too and I never did this before. I need some friendly words... :(
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self.depression
|
My son tried committing suicide last night My son tried to commit suicide last night. He took a box cutter and sliced deep four or five times on one arm and three or four times on the other. Then he laid down in a bathtub full of water but then got out and went to his bedroom where he passed out.
He'd made an odd call to his sister that worried her, so before she called 911, she called me, and I rushed home from work as she called 911 and dealt with them.
When I got home, there was an ambulance and a fire engine and several police cars. My daughter saved his life. Now he's in the hospital and will be transferred to a psych unit for awhile to deal with the deep depression he was under and that he hid but it all came out last night as I sat by his hospital bed and thanked God that my son was alive.
I lost my second daughter as an infant when she was just seven months old. I cannot take this again.
I have no idea what to do now. I have to be strong for my kids but all I can do from now on is worry any time I don't know that he's being watched.
I have to go into work now and tell my boss what happened and that I probably have to work from home once my son is released.
When I got home from the hospital last night I had to clean up all the blood that was all over the house. Anything his blood touched I threw away. I scrubbed the bathroom and his bedroom. I threw away the boxcutter he used. I will never be able to forget the sight of his blood everywhere.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I've given up but I can't do anything about it. I've been trying for years now with various meds, therapists, and treatment programs, but nothing's working. I'm just so burnt out and tired of everything.
I'm too much of a coward to kill myself (which I absolutely hate myself for), but I definitely don't want to live either.
the days are blurring together and all I want to do is sleep. I don't know what to do anymore.
I wish I had the courage to finally end it all. I'd rather do that than keep trying to get better (which I feel is a losing battle anyway). it'd be so much easier that way.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
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