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Unexplained anxiety and dealing with friends/family So I (F 22) have been dealing with anxiety for about a year now and it took me about 6 months to understand that I was having anxiety and panic attacks because I never thought it would happen to me.
Long story short, I have lost some close friends this past year and my ex boyfriend of 4 years cheated on me about 7 months ago. I try to stay strong and convince myself that he isn’t worth the pain and tears but I feel like I’ve denied myself of the grieving process of losing such a significant relationship.
I have one really close guy friend who doesn’t deal with emotions well, so I haven’t really been able to express the anxiety I feel that I could see him somewhere or hear someone talk about him. He just thinks the “fuck him” approach is best, and while it can be empowering to just rid him of my life, I feel like I needed more than just that (not his fault, he was doing his best to help) My anxiety doesn’t just stem from that, but I have also had a lot of unexplained panic attacks and I’ve been waking up most days with a fast heart rate and persistent nervousness.
I have made an appointment for therapy which I am super excited for because I need someone to understand what I’m going through.
I’m really dreading telling my middle aged parents who really don’t understand therapy and have never done it, but I have to since it’s billed to their insurance.
I also am anxious about telling my friends because I don’t want anyone to think I’m weak or that I’m begging for attention, so I really don’t talk about anxiety or the fact that I’m going to therapy much at all.
Has anyone had a similar experience? Would you tell people? If so How would you go about telling parents/friends?
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self.Anxiety
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I never want to drive because I always have that slight thought to get into a wreck. Whenever I'm behind the wheel, I have a constant feel of suicide by car crash, this scares me the most whenever I'm faced with driving, how do I avoid this?
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self.depression
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Do you really believe everyone is able to live happily? Hi guyz, I came really not for help, but to ask a simple question. I wonder how sincere you are when you try to prevent suicide? Do you really believe, sincerely, that the person you try to convince not to commit suicide will be happy? Do you seriosly think that every humanbeing in this world has chance to live a happy life? Look, I don’t want to be sound cruel, sound provacative, so I will not the adress issues directly. Let’s assume a person has a disorder that costs him many things, such as lack of social relations, physical capability etc. C’mon guyz, what would you do if he/she were you? I believe that this world is unjust as fuck, and indeed it is a fact. How can you ignore this? How can you constantly try to make people abandon suicidal thoughts, even though you don’t know if his suffer is temporary, fixeable?
Let me end my words with these: If I were god(if it exists), I would really make the whole people happy, I swear, I would not let any of them suffer. I wish I was the god :(
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self.SuicideWatch
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Need advice on impulsive/destructive behavior and decisions. After a life full of it all, I am lucky enough to say I found the love of my life. He's my other half, no one understands me or connects with me better than he. For whatever reason, unbeknownst to me or my subconsciousness, I hit a self destruct button every time things are picture perfect.
A little background\- I was sexually abused for most of my life and I eventually developed some sort of Stockholm syndrome. It's almost like I get a high from getting punished for my actions. When I feel like I can try to get away with something with the possibility of getting caught, I get off.
I fear I have gone beyond repair. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to quell impulses, destructive behavior?
any advice at all will be greatly appreciated.
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self.bipolar
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Anxiety and job search i graduated college 4 and a half years ago. Finally in a position now where I’m ready to look for a job in my field of study. Or at least in some field of study. I’ve been dealing with some pretty bad panic, anxiety, and depression ever since college graduation. Over the past year or so, i feel like i finally got a grip on it. i quit my “job” (which i was told 1000 times was not a real job) because I felt i was ready to move on.
Ever since then, i can’t do anything remotely job related. When i think of updating my resume, I get anxious to the point of tears and shaking. I think part of it is dread over the eventual interview. But i also feel like I’ve had such a spotty work history over the years and haven’t really had a real job. There’s part of me that feels like my resume is going to be laughed at or immediately disregarded because I’m so unqualified.
Has anyone dealt with this? How did you move past it? I’m getting to the end of my savings and I’m starting to lose my mind with all this free time.
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self.Anxiety
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Feeling horrible about what is happening in Yemen. It's unbelievable. More people have heard about this EA game than what has been happening in Yemen. If people put the time and energy they did with complaining about a fucking video game into making a difference.. Oh how the different the world would be. 150,000 malnourished children could die in the next month. UN warns that millions of people are at risk of famine. At least 17 million other people, including 11 million children, are in desperate need of humanitarian supplies. Yet, there's not a lot anyone can do with the saudi-led blockade. How can we get food, doctors, and supplies into Yemen ?
Why are there hardly any headlines ? Where are the fucking reporters? Why isn't this getting enough coverage? I recently learned what is going on and I feel sick to my stomach. How can you know what's happening on the other side of the world, if there's barely any coverage or 'trump headlines' are apparently more important to discuss? How are these repeated headlines gaining more attention and overshadow this catastrophe.
I would be over there in a heart beat to help the children as best as I could, but how can I get involved? I am graduating in less than a month and have no medical experience, but in these harsh conditions sometimes children just need a little light in their life. Parents that are malnourished need help taking care of their children and emotional support. I just can't imagine what these people are going through.
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self.offmychest
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I'm trying not to break but I am feeling alone (agoraphobia) A vent but also really asking for help. I try to be a person that is optimistic. But I honestly feel the pressure pounding on me. I am using a throwaway so my main account when i use it people feel safe knowing that someone is trying to help and think positive with them.
I moved states a year ago I literally have no friends here. I feel like a looser. I want to lose wait but im tired all the time because lack of testosterone, which could be because of a tumor pushing on my pituitary gland in my brain. I feel not worth anyone time and I dont know how to express myself.
I feel tired of the status quo. Could use help with trying to draw music or anything really.
Sorry if this came off as a weak person or a pussy im just feeling not great.
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self.Anxiety
|
Dating...the struggle I’m 29(f) I’ve had boyfriends and dated from ages 16-22 and that’s when my anxiety hit me hardest and I stopped going to work school and lost all of my friends. I finally got my life back together, have been in a FT job for three and half years and I do have plenty of guys who ask me out and if I say yes, I always wake up the day of and panic and cancel or I just come up with excuses. Since having no friends I have such a routine that seems like I can never break out of. The thought of having a boyfriend and going to his house, staying out late, etc. freaks me out like how will I cope out of my comfort zone. I feel like I’m ready and I should...I just can never get passed the anticipatory anxiety. No guy has been down for me to say last minute ok I feel like I can come out let’s go on our date now! I can do things more spontaneously than planning anything??!
Uhhh anxiety sucks Man. Any tips?
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self.Anxiety
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I have to work at a news station on the 14th. The worst possible day. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I've finally mustered the courage to kill myself. No more of this shit.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm afraid of... sadness, I mean that my life will be sad, exhausting, lonely etc.
It's not that I'm depressed, sometimes i have depressing thoughts though.What do you think about it.
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self.depression
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Any argument against suicide loses against the argument of eternal peace [removed]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I can’t shake the feeling of a crash coming. So the winter is always the worst for me. This year I keep adding things onto my plate to keep me busy and moving. I’ve joined Roller Derby for the social aspect of being on a team and fitness. My sister challenged me to do a triathlon and as I paid $130 to do it I’m going to do it well. Dang it. So I’ve had a lot of nights where I had to keep going and keep moving just to make sure I am keeping up with the team and will not fail the tri.
This has been going on for a few weeks. And being constantly busy and really having to plan out my time and stick to a schedule I feel pretty OK. Not lower the dose of my medicine OK but like this winter is going to be over soon and I’ll be OK.
I’m drinking my coffee and I just started worrying that I’m just putting off a horrible crash and when the bottom falls out I’m not going to be able to get back up. Rule 1 in Derby is to get back up, rule 2 is not to forget rule 1. But I’ve been feeling good for a longer stretch then usual and I’m just worried that when it ends, and it will crash, it’s going to be horrible and I won’t be able to get half as functional again. I can’t shake that feeling.
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self.depression
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Importante. #Depressão
Tudo começa com uma dor,algo diferente de muita coisa difícil de explicar, mais fácil de esconder...É como um Câncer,te destrói e consequentemente todos ao seu redor.
Não posso dizer que o que eu sofro se entra em parentesco com quaisquer dores de outros..É diferente pra cada pessoa como se fosse algo que ja estivesse la e quando acordado,dificil de ser parado.
#Suicídio
Tudo parece que esta piorando,cada vez mais se afundando neste perspébito buraco e diante de varias soluções o único livramento é a morte.
Confesso que ja passei por tudo isso e digo e repito,Não adianta sempre ficar com esse papo furado de vou te ajudar ou algo estereotipado.Deixe com que a pessoa veja a luz,mostre a ela o caminho. A apresente não apenas a diga.
Auto multilação
Eu sei dói,quanto uma facada no peito e a unica vontade é de rebater dor com dor se cortar,se bater e tudo mais.Pense adiante oque seus filhos iriam pensar sobre tudo isso,veja o futuro,viaje e esqueça o passado.
Nota:Ao escrever isso,penso apenas em me matar porém sei que vai doer para os mais próximos...então seja o que a vida quiser...
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm on the brink. I need help. This is the second straight night I actively looked to end my life. I actually sat down and wrote a note this time. The note is actually what stopped me, seeing the list of people on there who would probably miss me when I do go stayed my hand. But I don't know how much longer that'll last. There's just nothing in this world for me anymore. It just seems so pointless. It's just work and school and I'm barely doing those things right. When it comes to relationships-platonic and otherwise, either people leave, or I push them away because I'm broken beyond repair and it's not like they'd put up with me for long anyways. My family is shattered, my heart turned to dust, and I'm just not strong enough to fight anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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A little anxious and a little bit humorous So yesterday my mother came to my sister and I and said "You need to clean the house so I can go to (the next city over) tomorrow" and then went to work. I am currently in house dog sitting for the business I work for and looking after a friends dogs about 20 min away due to an emergency and needed to take my little sister to a friends house about 45 min away, so I wasn't settled at home until 10 am and then needed to take my dog and the other dog for a walk (part of the job).
I wanted to sit down for 10 min, sue me, and my sister and I worked on a puzzle that we do every year around this time. We were talking about what needs to get done so we decided to tidy the room where my family stayed but not vacuum and then tackle the gross fidge that was full of nasty left overs (or containers of mold).
By the time we had finished it was already 3:30 pm and mom comes home at 4:30pm. We were sitting downstairs playing minecraft and I tidied a bit while downstairs and my dad was downstairs putting some drywall up and had asked me to help. So I wasn't even sitting down for long by the time she came in.
When she did come in all hell broke loose and she started yelling about how we didn't clean yadda yadda yadda... Not even a thank you, doesn't really bother me but it hurt my sister a little.
She looked in the fidge and notice that we had poured out some wine that had been in there for almost a year (NONE OF US DRINK WINE!) Needless to say she threw a tantrum about that too, my sister may have lied a little saying she had tasted them and they were sour.
Then supper rolls around and my sister makes a delicious quiche for dinner and mom didn't come down from her room (with her door closed) until it was almost 8pm which she just must have given into hunger and looked at it and said, I quote "This is it?" And looked at it with disgust.
Anyways I mostly find the situation hilarious but it's making me a little anxious about being home and I would rather be out. She left today just telling my dad where she is going and did not answer me when I asked her if shes coming grocery shopping with us and then talked over me when I repeated my question even though I was right next to her. She is literally going into the same city we are, but because she is giving us day 2 of the silent treatment she's taking a different vehicle haha
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self.Anxiety
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I am a insecure "poet". I write lots of poems, but everyday i feel more insecure about them.
I want to show them to the world, but i can't even show them to my own family.
I'am choking in the lie that "love engineering", just to keep my dad happy.
I'm even trying to not sound desperate and "emo" in this post.
I dont know what to do, lie or tell the truth.
I will probably choose to continue lying.
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self.offmychest
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Question for older people: does it really get better? So I'm almost 13 years in on this. I was diagnosed when I was 24, so I've been consciously dealing with it for a big chunk of my adult life, and, honestly, while my episodes aren't as outwardly extreme, it doesn't feel like I am getting better; I'm just controlled and left with an uncomfortable anxiety and paranoia in place of the bigger feelings.
And some of the more peripheral symptoms are definitely more pronounced and progressive. Every year it seems like I have more trouble with memory, attention, and verbal ability. I have ways to work around all of this, but it's exhausting to keep myself "on" and not get lost in thought. My s/o sometimes doesn't understand me or has to remind me to answer someone if they've asked me a question and I'm just staring into space.
It feels like I have a very slow, drawn out terminal illness.
How does this progress? What is this going to be like at the 25 or 50 year mark?
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self.bipolar
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Found out i was sexually abused as a child just as the title said not eally helpingwith my ooverall problems
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self.SuicideWatch
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Wanna start a therapy as my New Years Resolution but I'm scared.. .. tbh I have never been so scared of something in my entire life.
But I'm sick of feeling like shit all the time.
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self.depression
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I'm dumb A friend of mine will be coming back to our home country soon after a three year long stay on the other side of the world. I've spent the whole three years in contact with her, talking nonsense to each other for hours and hours just like we did when she lived here. I'm thrilled that we won't have to keep talking via skype and facebook and will finally get to talk face to face again.
And yet I'm stupid, because I'm just setting myself up to be hurt again. I originally fell for her soon after we started living with one another, and after she had told me she would be leaving at the end of the year. She went on this amazing adventure halfway around the world, she saw all these amazing places and met amazing people and always let me know just how much I'd love it over there. Meanwhile I became reclusive, moving into a single apartment and slowly cutting off contact with all our old social circle. I don't think I've ever been as sad as when she started talking to me about her new partner, maybe the day she left beats it, i'm not sure.
I've tried my best for over three years now to move on from this girl, and now that she's coming back all I can think about are the possibilities. But I should know better, she has no reason to want the sort of relationship that I do. She only knows me as her friend.
I know I'm just setting myself up to be hurt again, I don't know why I do it. She's the only girl I've ever really felt attracted too, and I can't help but feel that with my lifestyle she's the only chance I have at this sort of thing. But I know nothing is going to happen, so why can't I convince myself of that?
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self.offmychest
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YOU DON'T LEARN MATH IN SCHOOL BECAUSE YOU USE IT IT MAKES YOU SMARTER
Builds spatial reasoning, deductive reasoning, propositional logic, abstraciit logic, thinking with an infinite scope, etc
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self.offmychest
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WHY ARE PRINTERS THE WORST!? Are you kidding me!? I am an IT Professional and nothing is more infuriating than a god damn printer. Half the time the drivers sort of work. GOD FORBID IF YOU HAVE TO SET UP A MAC. I am losing my mind right now!! God damn you HL-2240 and Epson R3000!
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self.offmychest
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I managed to hang out with some friends without being physically sick for the first time in God knows how long Whenever I have to go out into public (I.E going into town, seeing a movie, going shopping) I generally spend the days leading up feeling worse and worse and when the day comes I can't handle it and start vomiting, sweating heavily and shaking. But last night one of my friends asked me to come get some food with him. I accepted as I've been trying to work on building confidence out of my comfort zone. About 3 weeks earlier I got dragged along shopping and spent the entire morning before hand in a combination of panicking and vomiting and I assumed I would also feel the same way today. But regardless we went along and met up with another mutual friend and got some pizza before seeing a movie.
It's a wierd feeling, when I'm with out with people I find it hard to eat and I generally spend the time stressing myself out, I'm not sure why tonight was different but it felt nice having a normal heartrate and an (albeit small) appetite again
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self.Anxiety
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Going to kill myself in a few days Nothing but suffering every day for years. I give up.
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self.SuicideWatch
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What's up with the labor market? I've been suicidal, and one of the reasons (you can see the others in my other post here) is that I can't find a job.
I graduated in law school, and since then I try to get a job. Something like a lawyer junior, or compliance analist junior, or anything law relatable.
I feel that I can't find a job because I don't have experience, but hey, I saw a job vacancy on Linkedin asking for 5 years of experience for a JUNIOR role. It's an early carreer role! (???)
I made some extra courses to make my curriculum better, but now It got worse, because If I try to find a simple job, like MCdonalds for example ( no law relatable) just to survive and have a bit of money, no one hires me, because my curriculum is too good.
I'm in a limbo. I know my country is in a crysis right now with 13 million people unemployed but... fuck... I always studied so much, got so much bullying, I always thought that I would have a bright future. But here I am, with almost 25 years old, broke, and my life falling into pieces (read my other post to more information about It)
I believe that is not only me in this situation. And I believe it is one of the biggest reasons people commit suicide. What's the fucking solution? I don't have money to start anything.
If I only could find a compliance job in another country... I like this area so much. I don't know... It's hard. The worst part is that our parents don't understand, for us, we are the one's to blame for our situation, and here I am, doing everything I can... sendind a lot of resumes, studying all day... and trying to have a bit of hope.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m tired and I don’t know what to do anymore [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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My anxiety feels worse every day, but im getting better at acting it off. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I want it to just go away.. Hello everyone... I have been dealing with depression at a very young age. I have had depression since I was four years old. I have always have self harm issues. I got scars on my neck, my arms, my ribs... I recently have gotten into getting drunk and drinking. The pain and the not wanting to live has gotten really difficult. I have always been told to get over it by everyone. That other people have life worst. It sucks because no one gives a shit. They think it’s all a cry for attention. I tried reaching out four months ago for help because I have lost my will to live. No one gave a shit except one person who doesn’t even live here in my country. He has been here for me since those four months ago. He has helped me a bit and now all I look forward to is talking to him and knowing he won’t judge. A week ago, he started acting different. Like if my mental illness and anxiety is annoying him. He finds it annoying that I’m so clingy and that I’m jealous of another girl that he says is just a friend... he texted me that we need to talk tomorrow morning. I don’t want to do it. I know what he’s going to say and do. He will leave like everyone always does. He’ll stop giving a shit like everyone always does. Everyone always abandons me. I just want to end all this pain. Not only because of him (because he is just a small reason.) but because I just have so much more going on in my life and no one fucking understands. I don’t want to be here no more. I don’t know what to do about it because I already have a note... yes that type of note... but I don’t really want to die... I just want to be happy. I want to be happy and live a normal fucking life like everyone else... I want my smile to be real. I want to actually want to wake up tomorrow morning and every damn morning... but I just can’t...
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self.SuicideWatch
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She’s truly done and so am i She’s really done this time. This has happened before but never like this. She finally talked to me after 3 days of ignoring me. She said to leave her alone. She said if I ever loved her that I’d leave her alone. She deleted all of our pictures in Social medial and she told me she didn’t want anything to do with me and that she didn’t want to be with me. Everything is gone. I made her want to forget everything . Everything. She hates me. I fucked it all up. What’s the point. I’ll never be remembered as a positive thing in her life. I don’t feel like living a life without her. She truly made me so happy and forget about this chaotic thing we call life. My stupid ego just had to find something to complain about and she finally fucking left. And she took all our love with her. I’m so lost and hopeless. Someone please talk to me
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self.SuicideWatch
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Lamotrigine rash? https://imgur.com/a/GcSnH
I got this when upped from 75mg to 100mg a month ago.
Pdoc wasnt concerned and said to go dermatology for treatment. He thinks its lithium but from my experience lithium has never caused this. I said i was worried this rash will be a long term if med is not stopped, rather than treating it by dermatology, I'd reduce med but sacrifice the mood I'm in.
He wants me to see dermatology. I am worried about this not addressing it immediately and leavingit long term. My appointment with dermatology is next week. My next appointment with pdoc is end of this month.
What should i do.
Im only developing it in the inflexions
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self.bipolar
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worse anxiety since med change a month ago i got put on 20mg prozac to make a switch from 20 mg cipralex. (i have generalized anxiety, depression, panic disorder, ocd, and ptsd) i still took cipralex for about 2 weeks but then stopped. im currently on 7.5 zopiclone (have been for a month) and 0.5 ativan (have been for over a year). my psychiatrist is on vacation for a month and i wont see her in 20 days.
i noticed that once i stopped taking cipralex ive been getting more frequent panic attack, like at least one daily, and they leave me shaken up to the point where even after the panic attack is gone, i feel extremely on edge. i rely on my meds to make me feel better. is this a common thing that happens on prozac ??? why is this happening ??? im so scared and everyday feels like hell.
i feel so completely alone as well as im in highschool and have to pretend like i dont have panic attacks everyday and act normal. im just really really scared and i need some closure.
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self.Anxiety
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Constantly feeling like something is wrong with me I don't really know what's going on. Everything was going really well in my life, and still is (objectively), but I'm so irritable and tired and inexplicably sad over nothing. Sometimes my SO is busy and doesn't respond or want to text me while he's at work and I've never had an issue with this at all, and today I keep feeling like he's tired of me or something. Keep feeling these personal "slights" that aren't even slights. Tired of people.
Struggled with depression years ago and everything started looking up a couple of years ago. Not sure what's triggering it now. Hormones (bc pills)?
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self.depression
|
I finally got diagnosed for my depression + anxiety but I’m slowly planning up to finding a valid reason to kill myself? So, I’m 19, a girl btw and pretty fucking average. My dad died 5 years ago in a car accident, my mom suffers from bipolar so she occasionally relapses and loses her job and shit. Then she has to be admitted into a mental rehab. She always had these relapses when I was younger, but having my dad around always made things easier cause he’d fix the problems. After he died, I was around 13, and since I’ve had to deal with my moms illness alone since I’m an only child. Let me tell you, it hasn’t been easy, having to work at such a young age to find money to pay for financial burdens and having all that stress since the age of 13 has been really fucking hard on my young mind.
Alongside the family shit, I’ve gone through the typical high school bullying, being cheated on in relationships and fucked over by friends, all this led up to severe social anxiety and depression.
I’ve attempted suicide twice, failed the first time and was too pussy to pull through the second time, I’ve had a history of self harm but I’ve been clean for at least 2 years now.
I finally got my anxiety and depression diagnosed two weeks ago, I’ve been going for therapy too. Shit should be getting better but for some reason I keep getting very fucking suicidal, having breakdowns more often than usual. My two year relationship is a complicated one, my bf doesn’t seem to be able to commit to the idea of long term love, hence he doesn’t love and, and has clearly stated that he never will. Ik it’s dumb that I’m still with him then, but I can’t bring myself to break up with him unless I have a valid reason.
I also can’t find the courage to kill myself until given a proper trigger, so I’m sort of waiting for my bf to leave me????? Bc I know that once he does it’ll break me enough to have enough courage to hang myself. The thought of him leaving me fucking hurts my already broken heart, but I can’t help but think it’ll be the perfect excuse to kill myself. I’ve thought of going to buy a rope sometimes this week.
I’m not sure when exactly I want to kill myself , but I’ve made this weird pledge to myself that any time before the age of 25 is okay. Like once I hit 25 years old I’m no longer allowed to hurt myself? So yeah. Rope, not sure how pricey those are but I’m sure it won’t hurt to have a set around for when I get ballsy enough to tie a noose knot or whatever it’s called.
I don’t have the urge to constantly want to die, since the meds do tend to numb me, but I keep thinking maybe it’s better if I finally die, just leave so I can be free of all the stress and depression that’s been bugging me ever since my dad died. Yeah, idk.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Relationship So I'm guessing other people here might have a problem with this, but theres this girl I really like and she said she like me as more than a friend just like I do, but that she just needed some time to get herself in a position in which she can feel like she's ready to date. We haven't spoken about it in a week or so but Im always feeling like she's going to not like me anymore and my anxiety just ends up making me doubt how I act in fear she might end up not liking me anymore
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self.Anxiety
|
I dont know whats wrong with me anymore! Ive been taking Effexor for 5-6 months now for depression and general anxiety disorder but recently, my mood has gotten really bad. I never thought I might have bipolar disorder but im considering it might be a possibility. I feel like my mood swings are always changing throughout the day. I have depressive phases, then a small phase of euphoric happiness. Its random and some days wild. I just feel so hopeless and im sick of suffering. Any similar experiences, or what do you guys experience during the day having Bipolar disorder?
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self.bipolar
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Depression is making me bring my ED back much stronger this time. I've been binging and purging.... I binged so much today and didn't purge and I feel so fat and worthless. I just want to cry my heart out right now.
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self.depression
|
I admire everyone for coming here and speaking their minds. You guys all have an A+ in my book! As someone who suffers from depression, I get how hard it is to do anything, let alone get online and talk about your feelings. It's so much easier to do so anonymously sometimes. Reddit has become a therapeutic center of support for me these past two years. I offer support for any of you as well. I am the kind of individual who likes to give back what I have been given. I deal with on and off suicidal thoughts and feelings. I am on meds and have a great support system but sometimes I can still feel hopeless, and like nothing will get better for me; I try to remind myself that this is the depression talking, and not necessarily the truth. I believe in us! 2018 started out with being sick but I am trying to get my energy back in spite of that and stay as hopeful as I can. I have been in darker places in my life and in general things do seem to be improving, hoping that it continues this way!....so here's to a brand new year folks! Here's hoping it's a great one.
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self.depression
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Intrusive thoughts of dying Lately whenever I’m alone for a while I get really bad thoughts of dying. Not always in detailed images or thoughts but just an urge. But other than those random feelings, I feel fine and mostly stable.
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self.bipolar
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I'm not good at anything I used to draw good but now i've gotten worse at it for some reason. I have no idea how life works, i suck at socializing and keeping up relationships. Even if i invest 300 hours in a game i am still below average at it.
The fact that i am constantly tired and have 0 energy doesn't help me much either. No matter what i do i am never more than average at it.
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self.depression
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Decided on suicide, later I've determined I got nothing to live for, getting ready to blow my brains out now. Thanks reddit for trying to help me over the years, but you can't save a lost cause.
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self.SuicideWatch
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This is going to sound so fucking edgy. My actions both new and old are starting to collapse onto me.
It's weird and kinda painful that it's going down this fast and i'm actually making it go down even faster in this "half-controllable" state.
I dont know what is real anymore. I spent half of my day arguing with myself about did i or did i not make a large cut to my chest. I haven't, but i thought i did, i truly did!
The "urge" to kill is still slowly growing. I keep planning a more and more "daring(?)" murder.
We had this "relaxation exercise". Everyone else was having wonderful time and i just started panicking with all my muscles twitching(?) incredibly painfully with my mind going haywire(?). If i can't even fucking do a relaxation exercise then what is the point in even thinking about getting better?!
I just keep waiting.
Goodnight.
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self.depression
|
I don't know I should be happy about all this, everything i plan is gonna actually fucking happen, but im not. I think im loosing it, almost everyone frightens me, the voices in my head just randomly yell something while sounding o so real i get scared of them when they talk. I feel more empty than at any point after starting therapy(?), but its still so loud, the bloody thoughts running like they got no time left. The urge to talk almost takes control.
I know a part of me waits for something to change, but it cant, ive gone so far that i cant change it anymore. Its like a knife getting twisted in your leg. I know i could get out of this quick and easy but i cant. Everyone i know and everyone that knew about "this" thinks im fine, that i went there and got out, good as new.
This waiting is difficult to say the least, everything just stands still until i decide to go.
I wont even see the effect of my actions. And in all honesty that makes it easier as i dont need to think about it.
I just wait.
Im so sorry about writing this kind of shit so often.
I just need this so much.
Goodnight to everyone who sees this.
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self.depression
|
I hate college but am 3 years in. What should I do? My hatred for college started after the 1st year. Everything was new and I was taking (art) classes I actually enjoyed. I soon realize my dream of being an art teacher is not for me anymore because it wasn't a promising career. The art classes were taking the passion and drive out of me. Fast forward to today, I have flopped around between 5 majors, varying from art to business. I felt depressed because it felt my life had no direction and there was nothing out there for me. Then I came across the graphic design program and enrolled in the candidacy course. I just fell in love with it. The only problem being, only half of the class is chosen to move up in the program and I wasn't.
I was finally happy and passionate about what I was doing. I looked forward to going to that class every day. After I didn't get in, I convinced myself graphic design was also not a promising degree and figured marketing could be a loophole/alternative to design. It seemed much more promising because of the high demand in jobs.
I currently feel unmotivated and, although I need them for my major, I feel I am taking classes just to be taking them. This semester I am taking 3 online and retaking calculus. I personally absolutely HATE a classroom setting. I am over this whole college thing and the fact I have to take this class again. I have pretty bad anxiety and get nervous if someone sits next to me or tries to conversate with me. I know it's bad but I don't want to talk to anyone and I don't want to make friends. I am anxious enough just going to class and don’t want to the added stressers.
I don't know what to do. I have put so much money and time into this so I feel obligated to graduate. Part of me wants to just tough it out but I don’t think I mentally and physically can anymore. I am considering switching to a school that has an online business administration program, because I feel like I do immensely better in an online setting or I could go to one of those schools that offers 2 year programs like nursing, it's just I don't see myself starting something new like that because my anxiety makes me so afraid, that I can't. What are my options? What should I do?
**tl;dr:** I've been in college for 3 years and still have no confidence in a career path. I suffer from pretty bad social anxiety and mixing that with my lost motivation for school, I feel like I can't handle classroom settings/college anymore. I am so tired of school and just want to leave but I have put so much into my school, that I feel stuck. I want to be happy and fulfilled in what I do, but feel like I am not in the right place and I'm not doing the right thing. What are my options?
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self.depression
|
So fed up with everything! Constantly depressed and anxious and taking panic attacks every night!
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self.depression
|
Zero Desire to Continue Living It all started right when 5th grade came around. During those years, I was generally the nerdy, non-social, and overly sensitive kid who never really had any friends, and was always usually a loner. Any time I was being harassed by any of my peers, I would *always* snitch on them and attempt to get them into trouble, but that merely prolonged the harassment because they knew it got to me. I remember I would always get upset over the smallest things, sometimes silently sobbing to myself at my desk during lessons or what not. Seeing the tears drip down onto the lenses of my glasses became an all too well common image for me.
When it came to my 6th grade year, before the year started, I told myself I would act less like a tattletale, and would actually grow a pair. I knew that this would probably give me the opportunity to meet more people, because there would be less talk of "Hey, this fucking nerd tells on everyone, go fuck with them." And evidently, I had met a dude who liked Minecraft, which I also enjoyed a lot. At the time, Minecraft was a huge thing, and lots of kids at our school played it. Nowadays, I like to think that game brought a lot of people together because of its popularity. We had gotten along well, and he introduced me to his group of friends. We were all essentially gamers, and we would usually sit at lunch together and discuss the games we had played and other stuff, which I came to enjoy quite well because this was my first time actually joining a group and being friends with more than just three people.
Fast forward to 7th and 8th grade, and this is where I was just kind of "meh". I was never really upset about anything, and I continued to talk to the friends I had met back in 6th grade. However, considering our school ran on a "team system", I was separated from them more than I previously was, and lunch would be the *only* time I could ever talk to them. And, this also was when my "self-loathing" came to be, as I would joke at times how much of a shit head I was back in 5th grade.
Now, when 8th grade came along, this was also when I grew rather lazy. I wouldn't do much of my work, causing me to get lower scores on tests and the what not. When parent teacher conferences rolled around, it sucked big time because my teachers would inform my parents all about how I wasn't doing so well in my classes. This essentially made my self-loathing get worse, rather than just talking crap about how I was in the past, I would then tell myself I was just dumb and not really good at anything. I tend to think I was less thick-skinned back then, because I explicitly remembered I had drawn many doodles in a book I had that resembled my parents laughing at me while I did some horrifying things, but I wasn't a great drawer so even I couldn't really tell what I was doing in the pictures half the time.
Starting my freshman year of high school, this is where everything just plummeted. The most I would ever get in a class was a B, and most of my grades would be Cs. I of course also failed some classes, which made my parents pretty frustrated with me, telling me I should do better next time. The change from middle school to high school pretty much threw me off pretty hard, realizing that I had to really try my ass off to actually do well. My friend situation wasn't all too bad though, as most of the guys I already knew still came to the school I went to. However, due to our district having two high schools, our group was split up a bit.
Sophomore year comes around, and my poor grades would grow worse. I never had a drive to do any of my homework, and I would usually slack off in class, but I always made sure I behaved well. That is the one thing I was always good at in school: my behavior. Of course, in high school, behavior practically means nothing. You could bring a bong and pull it out in class and get in trouble, but considering you had exceptionally good grades, it wouldn't effect your portfolio all too much. This was also the same year where I grew fairly thick-skinned, any harassment I ever got from my peers would practically meant nothing to me, but any comments from people older than me still quite hurt. I also became more social, meeting new people and basically becoming well known throughout my peers (excluding most of the popular teens). It was at this time I actually had met a charming person over a group I was in online. We had talked to one another for a while, and we actually grew quite close. Evidently, we became lovers. For the most part, having someone to talk to and know that someone loves you for who you are had exceptionally increased my well-being.
Junior year comes along, and everything is just horrible. My grades are bad, and my well-being sadly got worse. Over time, I noticed I had gained weight, and due to my poor grades, I would consider myself to be quite incompetent. This time also, I noticed some of my teacher's grew rather frustrated with me due to my low grades, and so did my parents. I still remember my mother getting so made one day, she screamed at me for a solid minute. She has never snapped that badly on me before. As well, my relationship partner is slowly starting to give up on me. A couple months ago, they had stated they met another person who they evidently grew a crush on, but as well stated that they still loved me very much. Nowadays, I feel like I'm merely just holding them back from true happiness.
The way I see it, after my senior year of high school, I'm officially done. My grades are getting so bad to where I don't even think I should bother with college. And if I don't go to college, then I will pretty much be living my life by working at low-end jobs and getting paid minimum wage. Considering that these are supposed to be the best years of my life, then I might as well not bother seeing what my future has in store for me.
TL;DR, I don't want to live anymore because I see practically no good future in store for me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My anxiety is back! My depression has made me feel numb for a long time now. Sadly my anxiety is back in full force in it’s place. The reason is probably because a lot of stuff is happening in school and life as a whole but I can’t even enjoy my free time. I haven’t felt this way in a while, I just feel uncomfortable with existing in a weird way, it’s like I’m on a edge of a cliff all the time, I can’t relax. Everyday I feel like I’m going to blow up, I just want to relax. I’m also getting extremely tense around my neck.
Thanks for reading, I just needed to vent.
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self.Anxiety
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Delving into logic has helped me manage my anxiety a lot, but I'm still human Broad spectrum: the title kind of covers it. I've learned a lot (30m) over the years and through various sources about how to handle myself when it comes to my anxiety. I was really messed up after a divorce I had where I was in a bad situation and had to really sit down and define "this is normal behavior/expectations, this is not normal behavior/expectations." I've come to many conclusions about myself and how things seem to operate in the things around me things like "I am in control of my own actions and the extent of my responsibility(generally) stops there." Things like "sometimes I don't know what will happen, but that doesn't inherently mean something terrible will happen." Or the advantages of really taking a second in a stressful situation to ensure or in the very least minimize an outburst especially in the work place or public areas. With work, and hobbies, and friends even(moving really messes with a dependable friend base), I feel that I'm doing much better than I was half a decade ago.
This all said, the one thing I don't really know what to do in a lot of situations is when it comes to relationships. I still have a drive to be in a relationship, though I haven't really been in one for years. There are things that range from really simple taboo to a sort of "our friend relationship wasn't based around finding answers to this," which has kind of left me at loss of who to talk to. I don't know how much of it might stem from my past relationship or my lack in having many relationships, though the things I have to de-stress usually revolve around not regretting being me without trying to project my needs on another person. I'm sort of an objective-nihilist on the matters of love, though I recognize that we are social creatures and most of us desire some form of intimacy with another. Just.. how to get there? haha
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self.Anxiety
|
I just failed all my classes. tldr; Been a student for 18 (out of 36) months. Just failed all the classes of this semester, and realized this is not what i want to do.
Since the end of high school i wanted to be a computer scientist. A coder. One of the "cool" guys at Google, Apple or MS. I took CS classes in high school and did really well. I even acted like "second teacher" sometimes. I got accepted into my first choice of university.
I came fresh out of high school, unlike most others. I did well my first semester. in the second semester, however, problems started arising. I had not made any friends in my first semester. After multiple attempts to go to the CS cafeteria, trying to make friends, signing up for trips with fellow students. Nothing really worked. I just couldnt click with anyone. Sure we had fun when partying, or eating pizza. But noone ever invited me over for pre drinks. I even tried inviting, but people already had plans. I started to become more introverted.
At the end of my second semester I decided to sign up to be among the people welcoming new students. I figured this would give me a second chance. Welcoming new students consist of a week of parties and activities. First day, I invited people home. No one could make it, they already had plans. No one invited me. This basically continued the entire week.
This semester I have not gone to classes. I have been studying at home, trying to figure things out by myself. Needless to say, no one has asked me how I am doing, or where I have gone. I figured out a lot of things, but the last few chapters (basically piecing everything together) i couldnt figure out in any of my 3 classes. I failed the last compulsory assignment in all classes, and will not me admitted to the exams.
I have lost all my motivation for continuing with CS. I dont ever want to touch code ever again. However i have nothing to do.
I am now in a foreign city, with no network, no family, no educational points. I am basically left alone, with a huge loan.
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self.offmychest
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I don't know what I feel First of all bear in mind this is a rambling speech/explanation at 3 AM.
I find it too hard to understand what I'm feeling at any one time. What I do know if that it's rarely very positive. I feel like if the opportunity presented itself to easily die I wouldn't hesitate for very long.
I'm not very practised in understanding my own emotions. When I went to therapy for it I was given the traumatic childhood explanation which definitely fits. The point is that its more difficult than it should be.
I don't trust any of my friends completely. There's only one I trust at all. I don't believe anyone who says that they care for me or would miss me. I'm no ones favourite. This might be why I have a huge urge to lie about anything to do with me or for anything serious although I've managed to cut down on the actual lies. It's probably because it buys me sympathetic attention or just attention in general.
I have been treated like I am not worthy of attention by someone I used to have great respect for and would have done anything if i knew it would lead to them spending time with me. I don't know in what way to interact or generally view them anymore.
I am not good enough at what I am learning to hold a candle to everyone I know. I'm essentially waste of any resource I use up to exist and work.
I don't know if I'm going to try to commit suicide but I don't see many reasons not to at least try at this point. If I survived people might lie to me a little more convincingly about how important i am in this world.
Thanks for reading all this for anyone who did of course.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Panic Attacks when family doesn't pick up the phone Hi everyone,
I’m so sorry for the long rant. I just really need to put this into words.
I’m the eldest of four kids. I’ve always looked after everyone and I deeply love every single member of my family.
But I’ve had this problem for… as long as i can remember. Even as a small kid I had it. Whenever a member of my family is missing, late, or doesn’t answer the phone, I start having this feeling in my stomach. It’s making me feel uneasy, and nothing that I do can distract myself from it. Then this uneasiness just becomes anxiety, and can become panic. Like that voice in my head telling me that the worst has happened, that they’re probably dead.
It’s funny because I’ve never had separation anxiety. It was easy for me to go to school as a small child, and even though it felt weird, I didn’t feel scared of moving abroad to study. I’m not scared for myself. It only happens when I don’t know where somebody of my family is. It doesn’t hurt until I realize they should be here already, wherever « here » may be.
I’ve never found a way to control it. It’s terrible, because sometimes, when it happens, I try to calm myself, but then a voice whispers in my mind « what if it happened that one time you managed to calm down ? ». So I feel like I have to panic to keep them safe. Does it make sense ? It probably doesn’t, but that’s how it works in my head.
It’s making me miserable. I know it’s not healthy. I know I’m putting so much on my shoulders and on the shoulders of others. When I feel anxious, I try to stop myself from texting or calling them, because if I do, I know I’m gonna count seconds until they reply and my anxiety can quickly turn into panic the longer it goes. And when they do reply or when they do come home, I feel so ashamed and guilty. They usually make fun of me for it, or tease me about it. But it really is making me unhappy. I don’t wanna be that neurotic person that always worries and that brings the mood down. I don’t wanna be that control freak that can’t feel at peace if they don’t know where each member of their family are. I don’t wanna be that future mom who can’t let her kid run free with their friends without worrying sick. I don't want to make them feel bad or guilty for not replying to me straight away. I don't want to be that person.
I really wanna free myself from it but I don’t see no real way out. Therapy didn’t help much.
And you wanna know the worst part ? My family uses it against me. If I’m having a fight with one of them, no matter if I’m wrong or right, they usually go out or away and stop replying to the phone. I don’t live in such a safe area so they know it makes me worry. Obviously they can stay out for hours to make me feel guilty and most of the time, I give in and apologize so I know they’re okay, and they come back. Sometimes they even like to tease me about it by telling me news of kids going missing and found dead or stuff like that.
I think a part of me got traumatized by those movies where something happens to person A right after they had a fight with person B and person B is left out feeling guilty, you know ?
I know it’s stupid and completely irrational. I just can’t tame panic and it’s making my life a living hell. I can't be the only one right ? I don't really find stuff about this on the internet.
Again, sorry for how long it is. I guess I just needed to. And from the bottom of my heart, thank you for reading it all.
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self.Anxiety
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A squirrel was run over in front of my house and I can't help but feel like it was my fault. It's been a really rough couple of months with my depression and this really isn't helping. As some background, I've suffered from depression and anxiety for over 10 years. After trying many different meds, I've been doing well on 60mg of Prozac and .25 Xanax as needed. That's been working for me for the last couple of years. But since my place of employment closed in September, I have been a mess. Today made me feel even worse.
I've never been suicidal, but I feel more and more obsessed with death. I wouldn't kill myself, but I am just ready to be dead. (As I'm writing this, the 1-800-273-8255 [Suicide Hotline Number], just came on.) I guess that's a whole different set of issues. Death just brings up a lot of emotions for me. Oh, and it might be worth mentioning that I'm a tree hugging vegetarian. Don't care if you eat meat, but I personally don't. My feelings for animals are too strong.
This morning, I was feeding my squirrels as per usual and started my car before work. When I was about to leave, I looked out and saw that one of my buddies had been run over, right by my car. I know she wouldn't have been hit right there, had she not been heading to my yard. And my feelings were intensified because yesterday, a family friend just guilted me about my making the wildlife too dependent, and I feel like this proves they were right.
I had to take care of the squirrel because I couldn't handle walking by her and seeing her friends and siblings come by and sniff her. It was too sad. Now I'm just sitting in my car, trying to shake the sadness, so I can put a fake smile on my face and head in to work. I feel like I should stop feeding squirrels, but that is one of the few things that can get me out of a funk. I hate this feeling of being stuck, where it feels like there are no right choices.
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self.depression
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How bad of an idea is it to add Trazodone to pristiq (and Concerta) if I'm not taking my trileptal? I just got trazodone because I've been waking up usually three to seven times a night especially in my dorm room. I'm supposedly cyclothymic. I've only had one or two episodes I might call classic euphoric hypomania and they weren't bad.
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self.bipolar
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Maybe I'm supposed to be dead I've posted a bit on here frequently about going inpatient and it not working out. I keep a journal sporadically and today I saw that I've been suicidal on and off for the past month and a half. Then I got to more thinking and realized I've had suicidal thoughts for about half of 2017. Of course one option is that I'm not getting treated properly but we've updated my meds half a dozen times it feels this year with trying all the new things. The thing that makes more sense to me is that I'm supposed to be suicidal because I'm not supposed to keep living. There's no cure for this. It keeps coming back as an idea.
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self.bipolar
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I've been told by everybody that college is where you "find yourself" -- and I'm still looking I definitely feel like the main character in the novel "Invisible Man" by Ralph Ellison. After going through the wringer of college and politics, and realizing how soul-killing all of it is, you STILL come out not really knowing who you are anymore and/or what you want do. My first instinct is to just live in a hole, but I still want to find some type of meaning in all of this shit.
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self.offmychest
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I could really use someone to talk to. Is anyone up? I'm spiraling out of a hypomanic episode into a depression and I'm realizing all the fucked up shit I've done and I could really use some unbiased advice and someone to talk to...
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self.bipolar
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Why should I stay alive for other people? They say that it's selfish to take your own life, but how selfish is it to ask someone to stay alive, while I'm suffering so much, just so they don't feel bad. Isn't it my life, my suffering, my choice? Why do I have to stay alive, suffering, just so they don't get hurt? They would be fine letting someone go who is in a lot of physical pain, but if you're mentally being tortured then it's not okay? It's been a year and nothing has changed, what's the point? I'm so mad at them for asking this of me and every single time I say that I'm feeling so bad everyone is just like :/ and doesn't give a shit, but oh no you can't kill yourself because then they'll feel a little sad because I'm gone.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Holiday Mega Thread I know this is a stressful time for many of us, myself included. What are your plans? How do you plan to manage stress and stay healthy from now through the new year?
I personally am struggling a bit with new years plans, I want to have a good time but nothing good happens after midnight for me.
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self.bipolar
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Addiction [NAW] Getting your heart broken never changes. Getting your heart broken can happen at any age, in any relationship. It is not exclusive to or limited to romance. And it’s always about disappointment, realizing something you thought was, is not. In high school, you meet a guy/girl you really like, a young crush. You get along great and start feeling hopeful. Then, you find out, they don’t really like you. They don’t like you as much as you like them. And then you mourn the loss of a relationship that never was, you mourn the death of your hope. This same death occurs in other relationships all throughout your life. Disappointments, realities you couldn’t see. It might be a new friend, an old friend, a family member.
You stand there, waiting for them. Hopeful. But they never come.
You realize if you disappear, they will never think of you again. They don’t care enough for you to occupy space in their mind. This person who you think of regularly, who is so important to you, only thinks of you when you remind them with a message, a call. Without you to remind them, you will never cross their mind again.
Usually, you learn to forgive people of this. You learn to move on and let go of people who you thought fondly of, who do not value you. But when it’s your family, you cannot break up, or maybe, at least, you will not give up. You will not accept the truth. That nothing will change, you have no control, you’ll never find room in their head for you.
Sometimes it’s someone who has let you down before, maybe many times. But it doesn’t break your heart at first. You forgive their humanity and imperfections and let it go. But the disappointments continue. They just don’t show up. He just won’t show up. And eventually, you see what is reality. Eventually, your heart breaks and you mourn the death of hope. Eventually, you realize they didn’t care about you. Or at least, they didn’t care enough about you to show up. Maybe they couldn’t care enough. Maybe they were unable to care enough.
When addictions get involved, it seems like an evil that no one understands. I believe he cares more than enough, I believe he loves me unconditionally. But his addiction will never let him go. And he’ll never show up. And one day soon, I’ll have to say goodbye forever. He will be lost to me either from a broken heart, or taken from me by his fatal addiction. And there is nothing I can do.
You hate yourself for feeling hurt, disappointed, mad when you know this person loves you. You mourn the life they could have had. They are forever trapped by addiction, a prisoner. And you will be forever waiting for them to show up. Until the day he’s gone forever.
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self.offmychest
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Depression as a natural reaction to life circumstance I just wanted to open up a discussion for depression as a natural reaction to an unwanted lifestyle or current circumstance.
Remembering times when I have been depressed while on holiday or doing my favourite activities does cause me to question my resolve in this matter but i do believe many of my depressions stem from feeling out of control with my life. Living a life i never wanted to live so my body is shutting down and stopping me from continueing doing something that is hurting me.
To explain the depressions while doing fun things i can speculate that said fun things were used as escapisms from the life unwanted so still had the residual depressive behaviours. Life was not actually changed for the better.
What do you think?
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self.depression
|
Just because I'm dropping in just to make a quick note to anyone suffering from anxiety/depression and feel like there's no light.
I recently had my first panic attack in months (3.5 years, 28 year old). It was full-on, felt like my heart stopped, and then pure fear, loss of control, etc.
The thing is -- it took just minutes to recover. I knew what triggered it, knew the symptoms were normal for panic attacks, knew the symptoms after were normal, and knew that even though I felt off and jumpy for the next few days...like I'd slide back into one...that was normal too.
A rare episode, but one that I used to have all the time. I used to be on this sub all the time, desperately trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Exhausted, depressed, feeling like I had drifted into another dimension.
After this one, I actually looked back and how I acted during it and realized that aside from about 5 seconds of actual irrational thought and fear that I basically figuratively beat the shit out of the panic attack and all the parts that came with it.
Aside from that one attack, I've been living panic attack free 99% of the time and happier than ever. Four years ago I never would have imagined it.
Just remember: anxiety is in our genetics and is part of our evolution. You are always fine...you're just a little bit unique...and once you find the yin to the yang it's nothing more than a badge you can wear on your sleeve.
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self.Anxiety
|
Yup, I see what you mean, going inpatient So anyone who's been reading my annoyingly high concentration of posts can guess I am in some type of episode that I don't understand and my therapist said is rapid cycling. While I have been struggling with risk assessment and management I keep getting days or at least a few continuous hours of calm and clarity and been avoiding hospitals because who the hell wants to be in their 8th hospitalization. Anyway last night was fucking terrifying, I totally lost it and saw a demon in my reflection even though I am athiest. I felt the presence of a creature like gluttony from full metal alchemist. I wrote all over myself and tried to burn and cut myself with a dull knife because I had given my knife to a friend a while ago. I don't know why I did any of that.
TLDR; people don't want me to die and I can no longer pretend I'm in control and am terrified of repeating last winter's psychotic hell, so decided to check myself in.
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self.bipolar
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I wish i was strong enough to be done with myself but im actually too weak to do this so I'll keep existing, it's making me frustrated.
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self.depression
|
I Feel Like My Sister Hates Me My older sister has a tendency to blow up at me, and usually apologizes and says "I'm just having a bad day." But today, she told me the real reason this happens. My mom has a tendency to play favorites and apparently, (according to said sister but I've kind of noticed it as well) I'm the favorite and my dad has never said he's proud of her; so she's mad at me basically all the time. This may seem small but my sister and I have been so close my whole life and for her to suddenly tell me she's mad at me because of my mom hurts.
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self.offmychest
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Does anyone else hear voices? I'm not sure if hear is the right word. They aren't auditory, more like thoughts that aren't my own. Usually they're present as an indistinguishable low rumble or hum in the back of my mind. However, when I'm really stressed or sad or uncomfortable they become louder and clearer.
Most of the time it's negative thoughts like:
* Your friends probably talk about you behind your back
* You are a disappointment to your family and your friends
and other things like that. They almost never suggest self harm but they are pretty much always negative.
For the most part I can differentiate between my own thoughts and the other ones, but earlier one of my friends asked if I wanted Korean food. I've never had Korean food, but I told him I didn't like Korean food. He said: "I think you don't like all these types of foods but you've never really tried them." This made me irrationally mad, so mad I could have hit him.
I was sitting in the study lounge in my school thinking about what an asshole he was when it clicked for me: the voices have been keeping me from hanging out with my friends or trying new things. They used my own thought-voice (if that makes sense), so the thought that I don't like Korean food felt like an original thought, one that I personally came up with. That prompted me to make this post.
Does anyone else have this issue, and if so, how do you deal with it/them?
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self.depression
|
Why does everyone say anti anxiety-depression meds make you a different person, essentially a plaint/ruined person? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Feel bad for wishing I had a girlfriend I don't want to rely on someone else for happiness and validation. I feel like I should be able to be happy by myself before I drag someone else into it. But I'm so fucking lonely..
P.S. I've never been with anyone before. Idk if that information was obvious or relevant, but whatever.
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self.depression
|
If my mental health gets bad enough I will drop out of 6th form I don't necessarily want to drop but can't get myself together if my life depended on it. If I keep going downhill, for the sake of my mental health, I will drop.
|
self.depression
|
A year ago today, I tried to kill myself. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
just a rant on how much i hate myself since middle school (high school) I developed what I believe my depression that manifested as a social hierarchy in which I was at the bottom
I completely rejected that I was a normal person deserving of love and social life.
I did this to protect myself from emotional damage because I saw myself as undiresable and Unloveable. which I rationalised as being strong and independent (stems from my disability)
this worked for my school life as I had a group of mates and I was comfy in my place in the " hierarchy".
however, this ended in my last year when I started to want more from life and developed my 1st crush
this meant when I entered college at 16 I greatly expanded my social activities
I joined a medieval reenactment which is my main hobby and started play tabletop RPGs online, and volunteer which gave me great happiness. I also actively participated in class and became (idk how to word it) but one of the more vocal students
however, this is underpinned by great social anxiety and self-hatred as I review social situations afterwords and worry about peoples perception of me.
the largest thing that triggers my depression is when I have a crush or get romantic feelings as inside my mind destroys itself attempting to keep the status quo.
this continues today where it viewed as smart and extroverted. I do believe I am! but when I think of myself only hatred and suicidal tendencies persist
that's about it.
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self.offmychest
|
After years of struggling with my own mind, I finally decided to go see a doctor the other day. [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
Merry Christmas! Please open this thread up! Suicide is my song
Every single day
Dreaming of my death
Faking all the way
My face just makes me sick
I just want to die
What fun it is my slit myself
On this day tonight
[Chorus]
A day or two ago
I thought i'd take a ride
And soon, Miss Afterlife
Was seating/ed by my side!
I'm thin and frankly plain
Misfortune is my lot
I wish I was just dead
And never ever born
[Chorus]
A day or two ago
The story I must tell
I went out on a whim
And oh fuck there she was
She was with a "friend"
While holding hands with him
She looked at me and said hello
But quickly walked away
[Chorus]
My friends are all alright
They are outside tonight
With their Special Ones
Cuddling tonight
I am all alone
Without any pride
Making sure I won't surivive
Every single night
Chorus:
Kill myself, Kill myself
Suicide all the way
Oh what fun it is to cry
On a fine and sunny day, hey!
Kill myself, Kill myself
Suicide all the way
Oh what fun it is to cry
On a fine and sunny day
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self.SuicideWatch
|
help i drank coffee this morning and am suddenly feeling extremely anxious about my plan later this week. i just see myself dangling from a tree. it's not like i don't want to do it, it's just something about it that's extremely terrifying. maybe it feels like im so set on doing it it feels like i can't change it. the urges come in waves though. i just need help getting through one at a time, this one with many more to come.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
A little letter to my family You don't understand why I stopped being a lawyer and became a writer. You don't understand why I want to move abroad and left the city I always wanted to live in. You don't understand any of my choices. I understand you. You want me to be safe. What you don't know I'm fighting depression and suicidal thoughts. I need to be happy. I know I should already know how to be happy being 30 years old, but I don't. Some days I even don't know who I am. Who I really am. I am only surviving. I wish you could understand how I am feeling.
|
self.depression
|
I was recently Diagnosed As Bipolar, Has Anyone Else Had Success Treating (Thru Meds Or Therapy) Their "Fuzzy Thinking" Associated With It? I'm in school and long story short turns out I'm bipolar. My doctor has me on lithium and abilify, and gave me some trazodone that I rarely take. It's helping with the more emotional side of things but the brain fog and inability to concentrate or focus only seem to be getting worse as my semester progresses. My doctor doesn't seem my concerns seriously or at least thinks they're secondary and unimportant for now, but I would rather have the mood swings and suicidal thoughts back if I could just have a fucking clear thought once in a while. If I wait it out will the lithium help with this too eventually or is there something else I could be doing or asking my doctor about? Much thanks to anyone who takes the time to read this!
|
self.bipolar
|
Future you.. I'm sorry Well, hey there. I don't really know how to begin, so I'll just keep on writing whatever my heart spits out in any order. It was exactly 25 days ago that I finally wanted to kill myself. Cut everything I had to, left everything I could behind and wanted to give my last goodbye to my online friends. My knife was ready and so were the pills. I almost completely forgot about you after I spilled my feelings and you told me you needed some time because of your recent breakup. I knew I shouldn't have asked, it was too soon for you to make that decision. Considered it a rejection. As I was getting ready, you messaged me saying that you needed to talk to me once you were home. I was intrigued, so I just sat on my bed since 2am until 5am, the time when you finally arrived home. That was when I wanted to thank you for everything and go because I was simply expecting you needed some advice or something along those lines. Turned out it wasn't.
You told me you wanted to be with me and I was just.. so happy.. Even through the distance, I've never dated anyone before and it was almost as if my life flipped upside down, to the better. I started taking care of myself again and was always here for you. This has been happening for a while. Now, I'm just sitting here writing this as you are busy doing something else. You know my story and what I've been through. You know I'm still depressed and I deeply appreciate your concern. You've tried helping me, I could hear you sob and almost cry out loud when I was having a panic attack, begging me to breathe. I won't ever get that sound out of my head. You begged me to promise I won't kill myself. And I told you that you are the only reason why I'm alive.
You know, I'm really a piece of shit. The only thing going my way is that I care about everyone. That's it, nothing else. You deserve much better. I remember my promise, I promised that I won't kill myself for as long as we're together. But at the same time, you just.. deserve so so much better. You're such an amazing person and you deserve to be treated as such. I'm not worthy of you. Every single night, I'm afraid. I'm afraid you'll leave me, yet that's what I want. I want you to be happy in life, have a family and cherish every moment of it. I just.. You'd be so much better off without me. I promised I wouldn't break up with you.
If I ended up breaking up with you... I'm sorry.. It was necessary to maintain what I've tried to maintain the entire time. To not break my promise. If I ended up going through with it, I won't be around for much longer. I want you to know that you're amazing. It's not your fault, I just couldn't carry the weight anymore. You're still the best thing that could've happened to me and I would have never experienced love if it weren't for you. I want you to go out and enjoy life, not spend the rest of it with someone worthless like me. I love you from the bottom of my heart, K. H. Don't ever date anyone like me again...
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self.offmychest
|
Cutting contact on a bipolar family member Hello! I've thought a long time about posting here or not. I really have no idea what to do right now, and I hope that somebody can help me, or give me
some ideas.
My father is bipolar since I was about 4 years old. Growing up I didn't realize it too much, now if course I see all the patterns that he still has. I'm 27 now and I have a 10 month old daughter. His last manic episode was (is) really not bearable for me anymore, that I had to cut the contact to him to protect me and my child. He's very loving around her and he loves her so so much, but I can't tolerate anymore the shit he does. He tried to make some shady black money business in a bistro right around the corner I live. I know how proud he is of his grandchild, I am very sure he told the people about us living here and even showed them some pics. I don't know those people, but I am scared about it (in the end it's criminal stuff going on there). He didn't do it (YET) but not even one second he thought about the consequences. In general, he never ever thinks about the consequences of his behavior, for him and his family. His legs need operation because he smoked very long in his life and the veins are clogged. He quit smoking 4 years ago, now he started again because "it's fun" and "his son does it too". His foot is starting to have black spots on it now, but he doesn't want to see it and he's just ignoring it. If you tell him that it's dangerous, he lies to himself and says that the doctors tell him he's 100% healthy. He drives his car pumped full of medication. He's making a lot of debt and treating his girlfriend in really bad ways, insulting her etc.
I told him I can't accept his behavior anymore, I don't want this around my daughter and it's really
to much for me too! It really hurts, he is my father, but I can't go on with this anymore. It's not just the sickness, it's also HIM. he never felt any consequences for the shit he does. Everybody is just happy, that the manic episode is over and then everything is forgotten. So he expects us right now to do the same again. But I really don't want to. I know that he's aware, that he has a manic episode, and I have the feeling that he really tries to get everything out of it. He doesn't take his medication, he has absolutely no boundaries, driving past my apartment several times a day, ringing my doorbell even if I told him to write me before he comes, because baby could sleep. He treats his girlfriend like a cleaning lady, he ruins them financially, and in the end he really expects us to just forget about. His manic episode is going on since middle of December. He was in therapy, but they didn't do anything there beside messing up with his meds, so he released himself.
I don't even know what I want to tell you guys with that. Do you think my reaction is ok? In the end he's sick. But he's completely ignoring it, and I've read about people trying to be aware of it, and going into the psychiatry by themselves, when they feel a manic episode is coming. I'll try to meet him alone and get him to make another therapy. If he doesn't want it, I keep on having no contact to him. It's really not nice, but it's extremely stressful to all of us and I can't go on anymore.
|
self.bipolar
|
How do I even. So much questions do I have, so little answers.
* How do people even manage to start writing anything here? How many simply won't, no matter how good or bad they feel? I start feeling funny as soon as l see the blank page. Writing things down is scary.
* How do I not screw up formatting because hey text should look nice people read those sometimes wait there is no God although some elderly woman in the park tried to prove me otherwise that one time l probably wanted to say oh God first but forgot haha silly me.
* How to be serious when you really want to be serious but can't help but to laugh nervously?
* Is asking for help considered a bad thing purely out of a common courtesy, because all those other people don't know how to help you either?
* How does someone ask for help if they aren't sure what exact help they need, if ever?
* When should someone be allowed to use violence? Like that one time some dude was punching his wife outside so I go near them and say hello and dude kicks me in chest and his wife flails at me and screams to go away. Was I violent enough?
* Should I answer if somebody tries to pick a fight with me in a bus? What if the person in question is a woman in her 40s? What if another one joins the fun?
* What should I do about people who say and/or do things outside of their job scope at the moment? Like this one doctor that lectured me on meaning of life when asked to write stuff on a minor thing I had? Or math teacher that taught zero math and all the conspiracy theories?
* Is it true that before helping others one must help himself? Seems highly non sequitur to me, but some people insist.
* Do I have a depression or is it something else maybe I'm just wasting people's time gosh.
* Come to think of it, why anything that has word "people" in it tends to be at least slightly malicious and not about people at all?
* Why suicide by cop when one can suicide by jerk? Cops are just doing their jobs, while jerks are just being themselves. Yes, nobody should suicide by anything, but still, given a choice oh what silly thoughts we have here again.
* How do I let people know that probably I'm not okay but still want to do stuff together and not being locked away in institution? Like, hey, while I still can.
* There was that viral clip about dogs who fail at being dogs how do I stop relating.
* How do people even live not screaming on top of their lungs constantly.
* How long can this go on?
|
self.depression
|
To my friends, family, and peers I'm sorry. I'm sorry I've been absent for as long as I have been. I'm sorry I pulled myself off from everyone in the worst period of my life without an explaination. I never called or messaged any of you without having to be prompted. I've shrunk my life down to the size of a nickel, and was so entranced by the ease of the "insignifigant life" I dug myself into that I burned the bridges that meant so much to me as a young man.
But I'm older now. I want to fix this. I want to get back into having meaningful conversations and having people in my life that aren't here to suck every ounce of my time away for their own benefit.
I miss all of you, and I'm going to make this right someday.
|
self.offmychest
|
tried to seek help and feeling more discouraged than ever [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I havent been diagnosed type 1 or type 2? Id say it's quite clear I have had manic episodes. I have a lot of the symptoms but my episodes might be a bit more embarrasing than others. I haven't really got depressed severely. Although I have low self esteem and beat myself up a lot. I feel sort of worthless and I self loathe a lot. But I haven't even been diagnosed with type 1 or type 2. Can you have bipolar without having a type? And what if you don't get depressed? At least I don't think I have been
|
self.bipolar
|
The only reason that I haven't killed myself is my dad He wasted so much of his time on me, but I'm a living failure. I try to make it look like I'm happy so that he's happy, because he doesn't deserve to be sad over my sadness
|
self.depression
|
Need help I don't know what to do anymore. It's been 2 years since I've talked to anyone. I don't think I have the guts to actually kill myself but at the same time I feel like I need to. I've never had any real friends my entire life and the friends that I used to have are no longer close to me. I have grown distant from everyone and I have no way of connecting to people. My family has not spoken to me in a really long time and I don't have that one person i can talk to in my life and I don't see any way out of it. I just want one real life friend i can go out with or watch a movie with or just talk with. I live half way across the world from my family and I've been away since I was 16 (I know it's too young) to attend university. The culture in America is very different and I long for some company. I think that's the reason why I cannot connect to people. I have always been an introvert but I try to talk and make friends with people in my class but nobody wants to really hang out with me. They're just "classmate friends" you can say. College students are much older than me on average and there is no one my age that I can talk to or connect to. Chemical Engineering classes are filled with a bunch of people years older than me. I have finals in a few days and I think I'm going to end my life. I feel like people have looked past me because I'm "smart" but that doesn't mean anything I don't long for someone I can get along with... I'm sorry.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Just a Back and Forth Endeavor Hello guys, happy to find this forum! Figured I'd write here to vent a little bit and get some feedback. I've had my ups and downs in life, but it seemed that I hit a slump 5 years ago that I haven't recovered from completely. I was a freshman in high school, rooted deeply in the community, and my family was tasked that summer to gather our stuff and leave. The landlord lost the house (we rented a condo) and didn't bother telling us, left that up to the bank. That sent me into spiraling depression over that summer, being in and out of different homes of friends and family while we looked for a new place didn't help either. When we finally found a new place, it took me a long time to adjust to the new school, and my grades suffered.
Fast forward to now, going on my 3rd year of college, I've gotten over the move and made some great lifelong friends. However, I'm more miserable now than I was before. It seems that since I hit rock bottom, I haven't fully recovered. My father even mentioned this at some point, said that it seemed I shut down since the move and became a completely different person. I still have this passive attitude and I can't muster the strength to apply myself to anything. Nothing excites me anymore. Food has no taste. Sleep is all I take pleasure in. I don't have the motivation for my school work, and I'm not doing well this semester. I don't even have the motivation to do my own damn laundry. I'm just drained by the end of the day to do ANYTHING.
I hate myself, how I act, how I look, how I am. I haven't ever dated anyone (major anxiety, socially awkward) and I gave up trying a while ago, which has helped some. My friends and family are fortunately very supportive and have tried their best to help me, but I fear I'm a lost cause. I have suicidal thoughts quite often, but I haven't acted on it. The only thing holding me back is my family, I love them too much to inflict that kind of pain on them. I hope to find that something that gets me up in the morning. That something to motivate me to better myself, and not feel so lifeless. I want to change, but I don't know how.
What should I do?
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self.depression
|
Is proper tipping that hard when you get a discount? From someone who has worked in the food industry myself and my partner that still works in the food industry, is it that hard to tip properly? I've wanted to say this for awhile and with veterans day behind us now and the way people act on a holiday in a restaurant when they get a discount is outrageous. This past veterans day my partner said after giving discounts out to the vets at the table, people had checks as low as 60 cents and these people were tipping off of that. Like really? You get almost your whole meal discounted and then you throw some pity change at your server. Talking down about staff and food whena place is swamped and the only reason your there is for the discount. News flash its not the only place discounting out food.
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self.offmychest
|
Questions about forgetting meds Hi guys. So I'm on 10mg of Lexapro, have been for 3 years. In a very odd case and a first for me, I straight up forgot that I had to go and pick up a new subscription. Just didn't occur to me that I hadn't been taking them for about 4 days. I think the act of seeing them on my bedside table reminds me and without that, nothing seemed off. It took a conversation with a friend at work to remind me.
I realise that this is completely irresponsible and I will never let it happen again. However after experiencing withdrawal symptoms (head zaps, vivid dreams, insomnia), I'm wondering how long the meds will take to enter my system again now and how long I can expect the symptoms to continue. Seeing as how I'm on the 5th day (getting my prescription filled in about an hour), I'm assuming they're well past half life?
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self.depression
|
It really hurts that she doesn't want to talk to me Dated a girl for about 4 months. We jumped in kind of head first and both saw a future in it. Met each other's families like really fast. Got along extremely well. Loved each other's company. First few months were fantastic. In the last month she started getting more and more distant, the future talk stopped. She got a little less intimate. Ended up breaking up with me. This was about a month and a half ago. She did it in person, her reasoning kind of boiled down to "its not me, its you", but she praised me a ton and said I did nothing wrong, but she's just not ready for a relationship. I believe its half that (based on some things I'm not going to get into in this post, elsewise it'd be very long), and half that she near the end fell out of love with me. Maybe even scared herself out of it by things moving so fast.
I took the break-up super well at the time, seemingly. I mean I was kind of dying on the inside the whole time but there were points where we even both laughed (my response to things is often to make a joke) and were smiling. Hugged goodbye. Said we want to remain friends but it would take some time. Got home and it all kind of hit me and it was rough. The next week was rough. I was told not to contact her at all by everyone I asked advice from but I've reached out three different times. She's responded each time, but pretty short about it. The last time was to ask her to meet up in person, this was about three weeks out from break-up. She said it was too soon. That started a conversation with ended with her saying "It brings me guilt to say this, but you have to find a way to be happy without me, I can't be there for you in that way".
That was about 3 weeks ago from today. She has not reached out first once since the break-up, only talked to me in response to things. I've tried really fucking hard to get over her over the past month. I've focused completely on myself, making myself as busy as possible, learning new things, improving myself. And it's been great. But yet still I think about her every goddamn day. I think I'm finally getting over being in love with her, thinking about her doesn't bring up the feelings it did a few weeks ago, and the really painful days are getting further and further between. But I still do think about her every day. Some days she's even the first thing I think about when I wake up.
But I think what hurts the most is that she doesn't want to talk to me. That we could share this thing and talk every day and then suddenly one day she doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Every time we've talked its been in response to something I've said. She has not reached out first once since we broke-up.
I've decided that I don't want to be friends (I have not told her this), and I'm starting to wonder if I even want to talk to her again. But that's not even the point so much, it's more that her not wanting to talk has made me wondered if she ever cared as much as I did. If she's experienced even a part of the same hurt feelings I have. If she's even thought about me much since then. And it's a really shitty feeling to think that a person I cared so deeply about might not have cared about me all that much at all.
|
self.offmychest
|
21/M Depression hits worst in my best I need to tell you my story first. You may hate but I have a decent life and I just don't feel like it's worth anymore.
I was among the best in my country(which is not a <10m European country) as a student until high school. My family had started earning good when I was just 6 years old so I started going a private school when I was 11. The problem is that my family is religious and I stopped believing a God at 13. I had a lot of reading and I am an agnostic now.
I was in one of the best high schools but never went beyond average in terms of grades in there. I had good friends and I was socializing well. I started smoking at 17 after a girl rejected me. At that time I was a near alcoholic as well. I drank vodka every morning and 2-3 times a week I went home drunk. Then I gave myself to art, started writing and reading poems. At my senior year I was not even an average student but I still kinda protected my place as I have stayed in 1%. I started a relationship at that time with my girlfriend. Also at that time I started doing some semi-legal things to earn money even though I didn't need money.
I also used Prozac for a year until my high school graduation.
I got into a top university's mechanical engineering major. Failed most of my classes in first year but got a position at a big student club.
At that point years of depression started to hit me at worst:
* I got into a big fight with my girlfriend
* Crashed my car right after the fight
* Club stuff took a lot of my time and I didn't study well
* I went to a psychologist for 4 months
* I broke up with my girlfriend
* I did some bad things
* I went back to drinking
* I broke hearts of some nice girls and one girl broke mine
* I was under the load of my life as I was the organizer of a countrywide event
* I changed my major to computer engineering
* Thought a lot about driving into a wall
After all this I got back with my girlfriend. I got the presidency in the club etc. I was happier with my new major. I went to congresses and had fun.
And starting from this august I never felt good for 2 days in a row. I am rocking with my life right now.
* I got into trading and made excellent returns and earned money with the skills I got
* I am having almost no problem with my girlfriend right now.
* This semester my grades are always above the average
* I have no issues with my family
* I have no issues with my friends
The thing is that I feel suicidal lately. For the time being I still value my family so much for suicide but I don't want to feel suicidal.
I have proven myself how good I can be in the last couple of months but I feel emptier than ever. I just wanna be left alone. Sometimes I feel like crying but I can't, even when I am alone. I am living in a metropolis so I can't really escape people. I can't sleep before 3 am for months and I wake up near 8 am. I smoke 1 pack a day on average. I am avoiding my friends and even my girlfriend. I have used trading,reading, watching Youtube and gaming as means of escape. But I can't anymore. Emptiness inside devours me.
|
self.depression
|
What do you think was the most enlightening thing your therapist or friend has said to you?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I feel as though the only way my pain will be understood by the people I want to understand me most is to kill myself. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I have an “ideal” life but hate everything above it. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Has anyone found an agency that helps people with mental illness find a job?
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm not sad. I'm just unproductive to the point that my life is falling apart. I have so many things I need to do but all I want to is lie in my bed, eat and browse the internet. I procrastinate everything, including things that I enjoy or that improve my quality of life. I procrastinate brushing my teeth, showering, getting dressed, keeping my room clean, homework and anything that requires any kind of mental effort. Even though I do want to do these things, it seems like I don't want to do them enough to actually do them.
I'm incredibly behind on school work and I have mock exams at the end of January. I enjoy my subjects but I can't bring myself to study. It's not like I don't feel happy after I achieve things (I do! I feel accomplished), I just can't bring myself to start or keep working at things.
I don't know how to deal with this. I think it's some kind of mild apathy or anxiety about being productive? I'm already on meds and doing therapy but this aspect of my depression isn't changing.
My medication has helped me a huge amount and I've improved so much. The only thing left to fix is my massive lack of motivation and procrastination but I'm not sure where to start.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Oh no I want to suicide Badly to escape financial and personal problems
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
How do you deal with the anxiety of losing a close relationship? I've been through a couple of heartbreaks and I've lost a few friends in my time, but it never gets any easier. I feel like I don't ever really get over the loss; I just wait it out and feel depressed until someone else comes along to distract me for a while....until they end up leaving too.
The worst part is when you can feel them starting to become distant, and there's nothing you can say or do to get things back to how they were without becoming clingy. You just know the other person has got better things and people to occupy their time with. I get scared that we'll never get that connection back and I start to feel envious of anyone else that is spending their time with them.
Logic tells me to move on and find new people to engage with, but my emotions tell me to fret and agonize over the lost person. I constantly try and cling on to things we did together in the past and try to get their attention in any way possible. At first I withdraw myself, hoping they'll miss me or question why I've been so quiet. If that fails I'll become the opposite and start to text them lots, ask them why they've been quiet, suggest meeting up with them etc. If they don't give me the response I want, I'll feel terrible and think there's something wrong with me.
I've recently started therapy to try and work with my feelings and anxieties, but I've been asked to try and write down my thoughts to see if I can work out why I am this way. It's like I only feel happy and confident if that other person is present in my life. Without them I feel lost. Just looking for some advice.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Something has to give I apologize for the length of this post, but I'm not much of a talker and these things tend to fester in my mind for a long time before I air them out. i am not sure where the best place for this post is, so I may put it in multiple subreddits.
I feel like I am losing control now, and something horrible is going to happen. I am no longer feeling "positive" about anything. Whereas before I sometimes felt hopeful about things and strived towards socially acceptable goals(although I inevitably fucked up every single time), I am now simply filled with rage. Before it was mild anxiety, or sadness, or hopefulness. Now it is just hopelessness, despair, and RAGE. I feel like I need revenge on something. I cant put my finger on it, but someone needs to pay for my life, and not just mine. I want to break things, I want to scream, I want to beat people to a bloody pulp for minor annoyances. I have never been a sociable person, although I have tried to be in the past two years.
All of these efforts seem wasted, because just like all of my other endeavors, fitness, healthy eating, learning a new language, musical interests, etc, they are obliterated and made useless in at most a few months, when I slump back into an acceptance of the meaninglessness of life, and feel as if I am unplugged from the matrix. This analogy is a strong representation of how I feel about life in general. Other people are always working towards something and all of their problems seem to be related to that concrete thing. I cant even get past the idea of why I should give a shit in the first place. Perhaps I am cuttoff from the biology that allows them to feel “meaning”. I am unplugged from my coworkers, my friends, my family. People always say, “take a step away and look at a sunset, isn't it beautiful?”. Is this supposed to be a trump card or something? Fuck no it isn't beautiful, its just a waste of my time!. Does anyone truly believe in these platitudes, or is it simply a desperate grasp at happiness? IT makes me feel so alien and as if I am simply of a different species when people tell me to do this. Or to find a hobby, or do something I enjoy, or follow my passion. Obviously I do all of these things to the best of my ability, with little success. Perhaps I really am an alien, if the solution is this evident to to other people, and meaningless to me/
Things are only getting worse despite my recent efforts. I don't want to try to get better again. I feel like I am simply pulling the wool over my eyes for a few weeks only to have it inevitably ripped off like a band-aid, and immersed back into the horrifying, real, hopeless world that I know. The temporary hope only makes this process more painful. I hate everything. I used to want a girlfriend. Now I cant understand why anyone would want a girlfriend. I don't want anyone to have these things, I wish only the worst for others. I used to want children. Now I could never bring myself to perpetuate this species, and to bring more people into this world. I hope for the apocalypse. Every day now has simply become a matter of distracting myself until the next day. Its getting more and more difficult. I see no future any longer, which can only mean death. But not before something horrible happens. I am too angry and have too much dignity to simply take myself out of the equation. I have the sinking feeling that someone or something needs to pay for my life.
I know it doesn't make sense, but nothing does. I feel abandoned, I am a 20 year old male, and I feel like my childhood was a lie. It didn't prepare me for life as a 9-5 worker. I wasn't quite raised on a silver spoon, but to many I would be. I was raised on the fantasies of the adventures of adult life, rather than grown to accept them. I am not used to feeling this alone, or this independent. My parents always had money, but what they didn't give me was a reason to live. No religion. And many people seem to be able to cope with this, but I cant for some reason. When I fall, there is nothing there to catch me. I mostly live plagued by those dreaded existential thoughts that can never go away. I feel like the next 50 years or so wont be able to compete with my childhood and will only get much much worse. Why should I keep on living? I am having the most terrible thoughts now, blaming others for my misfortune, hating people simply to have something to do, and even though I know they are illogical, I see no reason not to feed them.
My life has not gotten better, it has shown me the carrot for brief periods of time, only to plunge me deeper into darkness than ever the next second. I am starting to grow irreversibly bitter. I feel that the truth of the world is horrible. I am starting to accept that. All I do is eat, watch porn, play video games, and watch TV. These are the only things I can sort of focus on. This is not for lack of trying. I have tried innumerable activities. I lose interest in them very quickly. I have attempted to develop the supposed key to life, the holy “DISCIPLINE”, numerous times and have failed miserable every fucking time. I have tried using a checklist to make my goals manifest, have tried taking things slowly, making small changes here and there, have tried to delay gratification. But why should I? Evidently this question defeats me every time. I am cursed with a brain that thinks itself out of existence. Many people seem to buy right into life. Caring about others, feeling guilt and shame, and happiness, and sadness. They follow these emotions as if they mean something. As if they have some true level of authority and give them the right to continue to live, a warrant of sorts. I have come to view my emotions as simply another level of control my body and the world put upon me, mere shackles.
I feel like I have a front row seat to the making of a monster. The first step to becoming a monster is to cast off your emotional shackles. The next is to deny responsibility. I have a hard time beleiving in free will, so this has already been accomplished. The last step is to lose hope in a future. Despite the near completion of this process, I feel a strange urge to look back at the illusion. That illusion of society, unity as a species, love, longingly. I am a little bit afraid to cut ties with this. My whole life has been guided by the facade of a common good, objective meaning, and love for my fellow man. And it has been gradually ripped from my mind piece by piece. I am mildly terrified by all of this, and as always, confused. Is it possible to escape this ?
|
self.depression
|
I have been in a state of deep depression for weeks and today is the worst it's been since the beginning I've written a lot, so I'll mark off the backstory part so that if anyone actually sees this, they can skip to the feelings...
---------------------
Maybe a month ago, I had my first panic attack ever. It was fairly mild, I think, but I haven't quite recovered from it. It has just gotten worse and worse since then.
I was having trouble at home with my family and was starting to doubt that a close friend, someone I met at work, felt as close to me as I did to her. I was also struggling with the feelings I had for her that I was realising went beyond friendship and I wasn't sure whether I should tell her about them.
It was actually when I was with her that it happened. It felt like I was trapped in that spot next to her in the car, unable to do or say anything that wouldn't destroy our friendship, my life, or anything. So I didn't say anything and then was left worrying about how awkward that was. But I couldn't bring myself to do anything about it. I just sat there thinking about how I felt I didn't belong anywhere in the world.
After getting home, I sent her a message trying to apologise and explain myself. We exchanged very brief messages and I didn't hear from her in days. I truly thought she would have messaged me to find out if I was doing any better or if I was alright, but there was nothing.
I eventually couldn't wait any longer, because just a week prior we were chatting every day, almost right through every day, joking, making plans, and just generally enjoying each other. It felt so wrong to not still be doing that.
I messaged her about some music because that was something we were both extremely passionate about and could always discuss. Her response was very brief and, after I asked how she was, she replìed without asking how I was doing. It's a silly thing, and generally it wouldn't matter, but after that week, it hurt so much.
The next few days until I saw her at work were awful, but it was only the beginning. When we actually spoke at work it felt almost normal again. She apologised for being absent and told me what had been keeping her. It wasn't anything that made total sense to me because I'm the kind of person who will always let people know what's up or check in with them if there are any issues, but I know that everyone is different and I accepted that. I suppose I still do.
That night we texted briefly and I said I wanted to meet up to chat sometime. That was when I discovered that she had started dating another guy. That didn't bother me because we were just friends and I want her to be happy no matter who she's with. But I found out it had started around when she stopped talking to me, just about a week before. I was mortified because it seemed like that was all it took for her to abandon this friendship we had, this friendship I believed was strong, healthy, and had a future.
At no point did I ever have plans to actually pursue a romantic relationship with her because I didn't want to taint that friendship, though I was planning to tell her about my feelings and some point so we could be pragmatic and get past it. But that revelation made me think that she didn't care about our friendship nearly as much, or perhaps not at all anymore. It was stupid and selfish of me. I still feel so bad about doubting her like that.
That week, I made up my mind that I had to tell her the truth about everything. I decided I had to explain my "instability" and why I had had that panic attack. I decided I had to explain how much I cared about her, as a friend, and why I cared about her so much. And I decided it was just part of respecting our friendship to admit the truth about my feelings for her, even though she had started seeing someone else.
I wrote a letter to her with all of that, ending it off by telling her that most of all, I just wanted to be her friend, and telling her that I didn't want to interfere with her new relationship but I thought she needed to know where I was coming from anyway, and then I gave that to her at work.
I didn't hear back from her for a few days, until she sent me a message saying that she didn't feel the same way and just saw me as a friend. I didn't mind that either. Friendship really was and is all I want with her, and pretty much anyone, to be honest.
I replied hours later (it took me that long and the help of a psych major to come up with a response) and baaically told her that I appreciated her honesty, that I wished her the best with who she was with, and that I understood if she needed some time before we could be friends again.
Naturally, I didn't hear back after that. And yeah, I did say that I understood even if she wasn't able to continue the friendship. But... It was so painful to not know one way or the other.
We barely spoke at all, besides for when it was necessary with work, until weeks later, just a couple days ago. Those few weeks have been some of the worst of my life. I have been constantly depressed, I have panic attacks almost every time I go to work... One of those days I had the worst panic attack at all. It was a feeling like nothing else I've ever experienced. My heart was racing. My head was spinning. I couldn't focus on anything or put any effort into what I was doing. I was nauseous and scared and shaking and just so sad.
I messaged her this week and told her that I missed her and our friendship. She replied by saying that she still didn't know how to react and needed time. I replied and told her that I understood, that I was sorry things had become so complicated, and that I would wait however long it took for her to be ready to be my friend again. I suppose it was somewhat presumptuous...
She didn't reply to that either.
And I get it. I'm not being fair to her by being so impatient. I just can't help the way I feel. I feel like I've lost one of my best friends. I feel like every memory is haunted by bitterness, and every plan we had is shattered. I feel like I am to blame, and it's probably true too, even though another friend has told me I shouldn't blame myself for having feelings and being honest with my friend about them.
It's just that it's so hard not knowing whether there is any hope. Even if she decided there wasn't I suppose I could move on... It would be heartbreaking... But it still somehow seems better than being so enveloped by darkness and being so unsure. I wish i could just talk to her and figure out what she is struggling to process. I wish we could work through it together. It's selfish, I know... But I just hate being so helpless and alone.
-------------------------------
Tonight was the last straw. I've realised I don't want to do anything at all. I don't even want to listen to music, and music is my life and obsession. I don't want to watch TV or eat or go outside or move from my bed. I just want to disappear. I haven't felt so desolate for years, and it doesn't look like this feeling is going to end any time soon. I want my friend back. I want to know what to do. I want to fix things. I want to go back and do better. I want to find the magic words that would make things better and not just antagonise the situation further. But mostly, yeah, I just want to disappear.
Some of the other friends who usually help me out aren't speaking to me now either. I know they're busy and have their reasons and I respect that, but it really is hard to do this alone, so I've come to this sub to... Well, I guess this is more like a diary entry to me now than anything else. I doubt anyone went through this, but if you did, I hope it helped you feel a little less alone with your feelings. I really hope it didn't make anyone feel any worse.
Thank you for this space to let me be a little less solitary in this world.
|
self.depression
|
Have I made the right choice? I've stopped my friend from killing himself, but day by day I see him suffering and I can't do anything about it, I've tried helping with his consent but nothing seems to work...
I don't know anymore if made his life worse by keeping him alive.
|
self.depression
|
I want to talk about Hope The last thing one loses during a depression is hope. It may feel like you’ve lost everything, thrown it all away. At times it may feel like you fucked up your life on purpose, and sometimes it feels like you had no choice but to just stare at the monument of life as it falls down.
Either way, the fact that you are here means you have hope, at least the slightest amount, deep down inside. It isn’t your survival instinct, it isn’t the fact that you don’t want to hurt your family, or don’t have the courage to pull the trigger.
Your integrity keeps you alive in the end. Hope gives you the strenght to keep going, or at least stand still instead of laying down to die.
I have bipolar disorder, and I’ve pulled the noose around my neck a number of times. Even though we don’t see the light at the end of the tunnel, hope burns quietly in all of us. I stepped off the chair every time and I’m thankful I did.
As long as you’re alive, hope stands by your side. Don’t put pressure on yourself to do things that supposedly will make you ”feel better”. One day, you will wake up and find that you want to live.
Hope is beautiful. You are beautiful. Peace out.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I hate my life and I don't think its going to get better for any reason. My family sucks, my friends don't care about me. My positive attitude is lost on people. No one cares. I talk to myself constantly because it's the only meaningful conversation I really get to have.
Girls don't like me. I have too many problems involving sex and relationships. I don't trust people after getting fucked over constantly.
There's nothing I can do about it. I'm mentally ill and I can't hold a job. Rent is too expensive in the town I live. I can't drive, I don't have a bed. I sleep on the floor in a cold room and the only joy I get out of life is the coffee I drink.
My parents are disappointed and are in denial that my brother and I suffer from schizophrenia. They don't get it. The are constantly telling us to get a job or snap out of it.
My life is so fucked up I can't explain. Every single day is absolute bullshit. -- I need a place to live that isn't abusive. I need to be able to feel the touch of someone who loves me.
Nothing feels good anymore. I have to find a job. I'm looking for a job but I know no one is going to hire a schizophrenic. I'm so fucked. I'm lucky I'm not homeless.
No one cares. No one wants to talk to me. I can't afford to do the things I like.
I need new clothes. I need an entirely different life. I want to run into the rain, get soaked and cold so I can feel something. I want to die but I don't want to commit suicide. I don't want to have any feelings. I want the pain to end. Please someone kind put an ending to my suffering while everyone I've ever known and loved has left and lead meaningful lives I'm the one that has to lose. I'M THE ONE THAT LOST I NEVER THOUGHT IT WOULD BE ME! I AM THE ONE THAT EVERYONE GETS TO SAY "I'm glad I didn't turn out like him." I have to be the loser so they can be the winners.
I'm a fucking loser and it isn't my fault. No one cared enough to include me at some point. They just slowly stopped talking to me after my best friend died.
I hate myself and I want to die.
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self.offmychest
|
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