text
stringlengths 39
36.7k
| label
stringclasses 5
values |
|---|---|
Trying to get over my fears.. I’ve got anxiety over germs. Anything from sitting on my couch at home to working at he hospital and not wanting people to touch me. It’s the most annoying thing ever. I keep saying trying, but nope still can’t.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I Reached Out for Help and Got Flirting Instead I decided to reach out and talk about my depression on an app I’ve previously had good experiences with, and I connect with someone. I start talking about my issues and problems, and I get the usual “how old are you send me pic” and within twenty minutes he asked me to be his girlfriend. Depression? Still raging on. I’m just going to try to sleep. Staring at the ceiling is better than flirting with what I’m pretty sure is either a scammer or some 13 year old in his basement.
|
self.depression
|
Im losing the desire to keep trying at life I hate my life and where I've gone in it and what I've done with it. I don't see a logical reason not to kill myself because all the things that make me unhappy have to do with missing out on things and times I'll never get back. Or things I'll never accomplish. I think about getting help to cope but look at that as a bandaid for dealing with the constant weight of failure I feel. But ending my life would just mean the constant failure is over. I don't want a bandaid. Just for the pain to end
|
self.depression
|
A simple message to my other self I know things are looking bad right now, and hell, they might even get worse. We're not looking good, and I'm not gonna lie, but if we don't do something now to change it. We are done for, there will be nothing left, realize that you have the power within you to change it. To change the outcome, to change this future for the better. For you and for those around you as well. Don't feel guilty about using it because it might be frowned upon, but instead use it as a tool, as a motivator for you to study and excel yourself. Think of the better future and study for it. Get to it, no more procrastination, apply yourself to your passion and realize/make come true your dream and potential.
|
self.depression
|
Has Anyone tried Irony? Tragedy is so similar to comedy the two are almost interchangeable. Has anyone else tried to appreciate the irony of their situation to cope? Takes the edge off of social rejection at least.
|
self.depression
|
This time I fucked up really bad Premise, I have nocturnal enuresis. I'm 17 years old and this condition begins to be the most difficult thing in my life to deal with. Tonight, my parents let me stay at my boyfriend's house as a New Year's gift, so I slept here. I've been finding my bed dry in the morning for a few days, so not wanting to put on a diaper in his house I simply slept in his sleeping bag on the sofa. I fucked up. Though I only slept 2 hours and a half, I managed to wet his sleeping bag, his sofa, and both my pants and my dress. I don't know what to do now, I don't have clean clothes with me, and I know he'll be super mad at me when he wakes up. I hate myself.
|
self.depression
|
I'm getting depressed again All throughout highschool I was pretty severely depressed. Things got better when I moved away to college. I found friends, got a girlfriend, I was happy.
Now I'm back home, everything is falling to shit and I can feel it coming back again. My dad is in a somewhat intermediate level of vascular dementia and I'm at home caring for him right now. My girlfriend of two years literally left me to sleep with other people. I had to save the life of my heroin addict brother after he overdosed twice in the past 24 hours.
I just feel like it's one thing after another. The shit just keeps piling on and my ability to cope is diminishing.
|
self.depression
|
On Friday at work, there was a customer that was the guy I wished I had as a bf. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm glad I stuck it out Sincerely.
Things looked so much more bleak last year. I told my Branch President (religious leader) and he encouraged me to go to instacare. He paid the bill with church funds. He even wasted his entire evening for me. My wife's sister watched the kids for us.
I felt stupid and selfish in a way. Maybe I was. Maybe that's okay.
I was not cured right away. I'm still not cured. Just last night I had ideation.
I got news that my Branch President had a heart attack and died. So sad. He was a great man. Helped my sister through a lot as well.
I'm not diminishing anyone's suffering. No two circumstances are alike. I am saying, don't be afraid to open up. You'd be surprised the amount of people who are willing to help.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I have 2 kids, a cat, and im going to kill myself tonight. I grew up a jahovas witness. No birthdays no halloween, christma easter or valentines day. I sat in school and did multiplication worrksheets while everyone else went on the halloween parades and had christmas parties ect. My dad beat my mom and tried to kill her all while i was growing up. Ran at night staying in strange places. Changing schools every year. Iv been in and out of in patient facilities and i can say mental health in america is a joke. 2 months ago i was put on lexapro and trileptol for mood and depression. I dont feel like writing anymore. Who cares about my life story. Ava and izzy daddy will always watch over you but ur better off without me. Im weak. I love you guys past the moon. Be strong and im sorry.
|
self.depression
|
Single AF My ex wife's friends are idiots. We're currently in the process of selling our house. For the time being, we are living together. We don't f*ck nor talk to one another. Both of us have decided we're over. Yet me ex wife's dumb ass friends, see me out with another woman, lose it, by telling me how I'm a cheater. It was her idea to break up. We're living together because we have to. No feelings left for another. Wish they begin making a habit of minding their own business.
|
self.offmychest
|
Please explain Louis C.K. controversy to me I am scared to ask this in real life without getting flamed, so I'm asking it online, and will probably get flamed here, but so be it.
How is being an adult and being pressured into watching someone masturbate a horrific, life-changing experience?
To me it'd be a really inappropriate, uncomfortable, gross and unsettling experience, that's about it. It wouldn't make me rethink life or haunt me. It's not something I'd think about years later.
Now if I was locked in a room (i.e. a stuck elevator) or physically restrained (shoved down and forced to watch) during the experience, then that's a totally different story. But from what I gather - that was not the case at all.
To draw from my personal life - it reminds me of my dad dragging my ass to strip clubs and buying me dances after I came out as gay. It was uncomfortable, I think my dad was a dick, but come on - if shit like that impacts you years later, I'd say you're being pretty darn sensitive.
EDIT: english
|
self.offmychest
|
I had to call into work tonight because I couldn't stop crying. I had a full blown meltdown tonight sitting in my car in my work parking lot. I can't stand being bipolar, I'm tired of feeling this way. I went in and talked to my supervisor and she told me it was ok for me to go home but I'm still worried that they will look down on me. I'm anxious and depressed and feeling pitiful. I'm tired of meds and adjusting, I'm tired of the ups and downs, I'm tired of feeling so broken.
I just got promoted a few weeks ago and I really like my job but I'm scared I'm going to mess it up by being so unstable.
I got my meds adjusted a few days ago but I can't afford to go pick them up. I have 27 cents in my bank account until next Friday.
I feel like I'm fucking up my life.
|
self.bipolar
|
To all the doctors who ignored my symptoms because I told them i had Anxiety thanks for nothing. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
This girl has become my best friend the last few months and I honestly think she saved me Honestly a few months ago I was depressed as shit. I still have my moments, but this was on a whole other level. For a couple of years I’ve felt insanely aimless, hopeless and just all round unable to get myself to do simple shit. I was working extra shifts at a job I hate just cause I didn’t have the motivation to turn them down. I was skipping almost every lecture I had to go to in college. I’d made no friends all year. In the summer all I done was lie in my room all day and on the weekends I’d just drink a shit ton and get high with my friends from school just to numb how shitty I felt. It was awful.
This girl was in my life as a good work friend, but nothing beyond that. We always naturally clicked and I suppose looking back I had a kinda small thing for her. She has a boyfriend though so I always just kinda kept my distance a little even though we got on well She started at my college and she suggested we grab lunch on her first day cause she didn’t really know anyone, and I kinda nervously agreed. We met up and it was amazing. We just walked and talked for hours, it was like we clicked on some deeper level again. From then on we’ve talked everyday for hours and we hang out most days in college.
I think one thing I really just didn’t have in my life was a deep human connection. Like someone that cared for me. Like my other friends, I love them, we have a great time at the weekend, but it’s different with her. We’re just completely on the same wavelength. Like she’s actually interested in my life and supports me. After a few weeks we both acknowledged that we probably talk to each other more than we do our friends. And now a half a year down the line we are pretty much best friends. And I hope we are for a long time.
Just having someone who wants to see me succeed has honestly meant everything to me. I’ve not skipped a class. I go out at the weekends, but now it’s just to enjoy myself and not some sad desperate attempt to numb my pain. I stop taking shifts at my job I didn’t want and actually stood up for myself. I study. I started reading recently. I want to do better than I had. I actually want to fucking try. And I honestly think if she hadn’t been there to make me see that people can care about me, and see the value I have, then I’d still be at square one. She makes me want to be a better person.
At this point I am hopelessly into her, but she still has a boyfriend. But honestly while that hurts sometimes, it’s nothing compared to the sheer pain I felt without her there. Having her in my life has just made me feel so much better. I can still have bad days, but they’re not nearly as destructive and aren’t some consistent waking nightmare. I’m not gonna ruin our friendship, maybe one day it will be more, but right now I’m just happy having someone in my life who gets me. I don’t think she’ll ever know what she did for me, but honestly it feels like that girl genuinely saved me just by giving a fuck. I think that’s sometimes a large part of what life is missing.
|
self.offmychest
|
whats the point of living if im going to spend it alone?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Please can someone help? Hi, A few months ago, I was disagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder and OCD. I am 35, but since a young age I have had certain rituals, plus I am a big worrier, so those diagnoses make sense. In the summer, I had a bit of a breakdown – I had a dreadful thought about attacking my wife, which included horrible images. I have never physically harmed anyone in my life and love her more than the anything. I then had a thought, what if I'm gay, which she found out about thanks to my non-stop researching on my laptop. I have seen a psychologist and have gradually got better and my wife and I are working through things. We are due to go on honeymoon in two weeks, as well. However, on Saturday night, my sister gave birth to a boy, he is also my parents' first grandchild. My sister's husband send me pics of the baby and he is so cute..but, suddenly, while looking at one of them, I had the most disgusting, sexual thought and image. It lasted no more than two seconds, but I have been in turmoil every since. I love children and have never, ever had such a repulsive thought before. Now, I can't get the revolting image out of my head and am worried I will tell my wife about it which, I think, will be the final straw. My psychologist said these thoughts mean nothing and it is my reaction to them which is the problem. Please can someone advise? Thank you.
|
self.Anxiety
|
How dangerous is it really to eat or drink grapefruit juice while on Latuda? Yes, I have read the pharmacology of what happens when you combine the two, but as with all drugs, I think it might be relative. This sounds a little whiny, but grapefruit is my absolute favorite fruit/food and I haven't touched it in the three or four years I've been on Latuda. Would it REALLY be a danger for me to have a few pieces of grapefruit once?
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm so tired of this After being abused by my parents every night ive realized there's no point in trying anymore. Ill never be worth anything. I cant hold a job and I dont have any money. I dont have friends and I get made fun of at school because I always look sad. Ive been trying different angles at life for the past six months. After that long you'd think I'd have found something that could make life even the tiniest bit better. Nope. Life sucks so much. Tonight Im gonna take the airbag fuse out of my parents car and drive out of town, take 5.7 grams of propranolol, then wreck as fast as I can into an abandoned building
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
How can you tell if suicidal thoughts are active planning or just latent death wish? Because I can’t figure it out. I’m not upset, I just keep thinking about it.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Im a loser. I hate being a loser, i have dropped out of school and have not even a decent education. So i will be likely in the future living off welfare, maybe some shitty dead end jobs... But im sick of being a loser, i want to chance it. But how? I am disabled too. (Autistic) So its even harder for me. What should i do when i want to stop being a looser? Get a decent career? Maybe even become rich, or atleast middle class? Or is that impossible?
|
self.depression
|
I miss you You made lots of promises you never intended to keep, you lied about who you were (twice) and you ghosted me and then pretended you didn't remember me.
You broke my soul and made me doubt everything about myself.
But I miss you and wish things had gone the way you promised they'd go.
I wish I was more than interactive porn to you.
I wish you didn't lie to me.
I wish you didn't ruin the entire state of Hawaii for me.
I miss you. And I know I shouldn't. But I do.
|
self.offmychest
|
I swear to god i dont enjoy things as much as i did. IM 15, i got bad marks, my parents are divorced, im very akward, cant have long talks and i barely have friends. I just want all to be over.
|
self.depression
|
Working with depression My mood is becoming worse and worse at work, before I used to be pretty good at faking happiness, but with 15 days left, I’ve been so miserable at work, it doesn’t help that all my colleagues are in good moods, I know it’s difficult for them to work with me and I know they hate it, it doesn’t help that I work in retail which goes without saying how much of a shit show that is, does anyone have any tips for working with depression?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
A friend is stressing me out so much I have a friend at work. I've known him for several years, and I know that he comes from a fairly well-off family. His salary is above mine. But he is so particular in his tastes and very stingy he has been stressing me out for years.
Whenever our little group intends to go out together, or chip in for a friend's birthday present, he'd throw a fuss about the price. Every single time he'd suggest something that's worse but cheaper, even though I know he can afford it. It's like he really doesn't care about these stuff thus doesn't want to spend a lot. Singling him out would cause him to throw a fit as well. We tried leaving him out for once (since he doesn't seem to care much for these occassions anyway), then he sulked for days, acting like a victim and giving us silent treatment until I apologized (since the others won't and I am very insecure I don't feel like losing friends). Frankly I am tired of his selfish attitude and I don't feel like dealing with him anymore. He's been a close friend for years. Nobody else in our group is particularly close to him, and I seem to get the shit end of his tantrum every time (he acts all friendly and easy in front of the others). Should I just cut him off? We work in the same office so I can't really avoid him physically. I don't know, I don't really have a plan here, just very frustrated.
Forgive my English, it isn't my native language.
|
self.offmychest
|
Looking for a way out. I have had depression as long as I can recall. I have spent my entire life with few friends, little family connection, no hobbies, very few romances, and no idea how to change this. I feel in a rut where nothing remains enjoyable and I just wander in my mind all day. I am not sure how to talk to anyone, or even function in a social situation. I have a very controlling home that doesn't accept anything I do or any way I act. I could use some advice on how I can fix myself so I can get some drive and freedom.
|
self.depression
|
I hate passing through the void. I really don't have much to say besides the usual. I don't know what Reddit is for really. Maybe it is just for the sadistic and well-off to amuse themselves on the tears and detriment of others who dare to be human.
The misery finds me again. Here in the void. What's that? Well, that's the 8 to 12 hours a day when I am alone, have nothing to do, and no one to talk to. That's the empty time where everyone is either at work, asleep or just has something better to do.
There's nothing to do because...you know...money and bills. (I'll be back on top with that on the first.) However, you can't pay people to care. Not on my budget.
Intamicy? Not in April. There's something weird going on this month. Every time I'm about to pop that damn precursor to asking for verbal consent, they disappear. Not a "Give me a minute." Or "I'm busy." Or "Where are you going with this?" Or "I have to go." Nothing. They just go dark. I haven't even turned down that road yet. :sigh:
I would just make a post on craigslist--oh...right. Reddit seems to be just as useful for 'making a connection' or friends at all.
No chat. No drinking buddies. No action. No projects to work on. No where to go and no money. That's the void. And it gets dangerous.
I keep daydreaming about killing myself in spontaneous, instant ways. I daydream about how I will be found and how I'll look. I imagine who will find me and how long it would take. I imagine all of the emasculating comments police and emts would have to say about my suicide. I wonder if I should write a note. I wonder if just as many people will look at it, scratch their asses, and keep walking without a word...just like social media.
Why bother? What does it matter why someone kills themselves? They're dead. Nothing can be done about their grievance with the living at that point. If they were suffering from some form of long term financial or social or medical hardship, everyone that needs to know already knows. The suicide note is nothing close to the last word. It is a shame that someone has to die or dare to die as their only means of getting others to pay attention. The shame is not on them alone but on all who knows them. But the punishment is not as great on others as it is on the dead. I cannot take my own life. I know Who is waiting for me on the other side and what my reward will be for suicide.
However, I cannot reason away the despair. The pain. They are feelings. Feelings must erase or wash over feelings.
I want to die but I can't. I've wanted to die for over 16 years. And I should have. Nothing I have done has been a worthy contribution to human history. I didn't save anyone's life or virture. No one needs me or has needed me.
I wish that damn Mars One project were true. A one way trip. Being a living sacrifice. Stabilizing a new world for humanity, and taking some of the pressure off of this one.
More dreams. Death dreams. Epic dreams. Paralizing pornographic day dreams. Sometimes, up to 10 minutes has passed before I realize that the wildest sex I've ever had in my life was just my imagination...and I should turn the water off now.
I hate this. Tired of showing my art and having so many only take a passing glance. Then spending 2 hours, every other Friday, alone in a crowd of vibrant, sexy people that have completely forgotten I was there.
Everyone's always got something better to do... Everyone's fucking like rabbits on X except me.
I was told that I was missed and needed. That's why I came back to this country. That's why I came back to this city. 3 times.
Yeah. I think I'm done feeling like this. I think it's time to leave. 35 years is more than enough time feeling like effeminate, unnecessary, idiotic, uninteresting, unattractive shit.
As soon as I can manage it, I'm gone. But it's time again. Time to pass through the void.
|
self.depression
|
I finally told my therapist! I've been talking to him for months but I haven't been able to get anything in this area out until now.... The word depression never came up explicitly, but it's obvious to me that he understood what i was talking about. On Tuesday I hid in the bathroom and hid for 3 periods, and I told him this after he asked why I done this. I told him it was because I was really crushingly sad, he asked why, I explained, I told him that this happens a lot, etc... Again, the word never came up, but I'm extremely glad I got to talk about it.
|
self.depression
|
Tv & radio talking to me I had manic psychosis 2 years ago. It was like the tv and radio were trying to send messages to me that normal people can’t see or hear. Like I was a part of a secret club or something. And celebrities made their songs for me to decipher what they were really talking about. I thought celebrities on tv and in music were in this secret club with me and they were trying to get the message out there to anyone who had the consciousness to pick it up. Some call it looking at the world with your 3rd eye view. It seems crazy and doctors call it delusions but it felt so real. Even art would communicate with me. I thought there were certain people on my team against the government and they were low key trying to spread these messages to me over the media without getting caught.
|
self.bipolar
|
checkout the movie "Limitless" It's on Netflix right now. I couldn't help but feel the movie was some sort of artistic representation of BP2. Good movie too!
|
self.bipolar
|
Can I work in mental health when i have bipolar? [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
Anyone else love being cold? When I’m warm, I’m comfortable, when I’m comfortable, my mind thinks about things other than me being cold- depression.
When I’m hot, I feel like I’m suffocating, I feel like I’m going to explode and go insane.
But when I’m cold, I shiver and focus on being cold, it even makes me do more work for school.
|
self.depression
|
Question about starting lexapro, advice needed. Hi Reddit, I have had anxiety for a long time and decided (26m) to get help. Seeing a psychologist for cognitive therapy and also got prescribed lexapro.
I have a lot of interviews going on right now for jobs and might start a new job in the comming month or so.
Should I wait to start taking it? I don't want some negitive side effects to hinder my ability to interview. (Even with really high anxiety, I interview well due to lots of practice in college)
Thanks
|
self.Anxiety
|
Limbo Life right now is just... peaceful but sad. Nothing exciting ever happens. Been out of school for 3 months on medical leave. Every day is repetitive. Sleep, play video games, go to therapy, play more games, sleep. I have nothing stressful going on in my life. But nothing exciting. Before this I would have wild crushes, and ask out as many girls as I could. Every single time I would get rejected. But atleast it made me feel alive. I have no friends. I have no goals or ambitions. I'm not really living, just surviving. School was hell but somehow... this is worse. I see the same faces everyday. My family, my therapist. Nothing exciting is happening over the holidays. I guess the only thing positive I can say is I don't want to kill myself. But there is nothing really to put me over the edge. I'm just thinking about doing something like going to the mall and maybe trying to hit on some girls or something. It's just empty right now. I can't improve myself if I'm locked away in my room. But I can't. Can't drive, can't cook, can't do anything for myself. Right now I think my best option is to wait it out, so I can feel something but dread.
|
self.depression
|
Unemployment (among other things) is making me want to top myself I'm still alive but I am not quite sure why. Every day is a battle and I am not sure how long I can keep on fighting.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Does anyone else feel like you could function properly if just one thing went right? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I'm not as smart as people keep telling me I am Ever since I was a kid, everyone kept telling me how smart I was, "what a clever kid you are" and all sorts of things like that. The thing is, I never felt like that. If anything, I always felt I was below average. Everywhere I looked, I always saw people doing things I not only had no idea how to do, but couldn't even start conceiving how to accomplish. "How do you solve this integral?" "Oh it's easy" and they start spewing shit I hadn't seen in my life, all the while I'm trying to figure out what the fuck it is that I'm looking at. I am still relatively young, so this mostly means school related tasks (math problems and the like). During school, from the beginning to the end, I always felt I was below the average of the class I found myself in.
The latest proof of this just happened. I just took a test as part of the admission process for my dream university. It is a mandatory test all applicants must sit and a lot of my classmates were there as well. After the test, they were all talking about how easy it was and how they were expecting more difficult stuff, but all I could think of was that **I. Completely. Fucked. It. Up.** I did horribly. And it is not imposer syndrome telling me I that. I absolutely know that I did horribly. Which means that my chances of being accepted are now around the statistical impossibility mark.
During the test, all I could do was look at the problems and wonder how the fuck am I supposed to solve that. I had no fucking clue for the most part. And I all I could think of was the ticking of the clock and of the incessant writing of the guy next to me. While I had to stop and think, all he did was vomit ink on the exam paper. I felt like jumping out the window.
So this is it. I am not that smart. I don't even know what smart is. All I know is that my grades are average at best, that I dread every written test in school, for I know that in the time it takes me to read the damn thing, others will have already finished it and that I fucking hate the after-test talk of how easy it was and how they wished it had been more, while I barely had time to solve it for a passing grade.
This is the end. If you read all of this, thank you. I don't know if this is the right place to post this, I hope it is. English is not my first language, so if stuff is unintelligible, I'm sorry.
**TL;DR** People told me all my life that I am very smart, but my academic performance tells me I am slightly smarter than a particularly dim rock.
|
self.offmychest
|
Advice on how to function while still cycling? I have bipolar 2, and although my meds are making me incrementally better I am still cycling about 2x a month.
I'm in an extremely stressful position where I'm moving to a job out of state with no friends or family. The job thinks I'm great, they are extremely wealthy liberals in an extremely wealthy liberal town. Typical WASPs.
I put on a good act for interviews, but in reality I lack basic hygeine, eat nothing but a sofa and candy bar a day, can't focus enough to accomplish basic tasks. I was in leave with my previous job when I found this one because it had gotten so bad.
This job requires that I be on and am able to converse with the upper crust of society. I can fake it for short periods of time but become exhausted and inevitably let people see me for who I am. Not just the bipolar thing--but the unconventional redneck hippie that I am.
Anyways, I had thought I was getting stable but am realizing I'm coming down from a hypomanic high. Is there a way to deal with normal life and stay functional? When I think back before my diagnosis--I did deal but embarrassed myself quite a bit along the way.
Any tips for hiding it at least the 9 hours a day while I'm at work?
|
self.bipolar
|
Looking for the courage to end it. I've been battling depression since early childhood. Started with the shrinks in preschool. Managed to keep it at Bay for a good while. Only those close to me could see it. At some point in my early to mid 20s, it kicked me in the ass again. I sat on my bed with a knife to my neck and realized it wasn't sharp enough.
I battled dark thoughts into my thirties, but, I was able to keep the worst of them at Bay. Last fall, I finally went to my doctor for help. The meds did nothing but make me sleep. I didn't give a shit about anything when I was awake because I was mentally numb.
I'm tired of looking for reasons not to end it. The goal in life shouldn't be to live for as long as possible. It should be to make the best of what you have, regardless of length. Quality, not quantity. I can't see the quality in mine.
Objectively, it's not a bad life. I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and a dog by my side. It's a chemical thing for me. It's not situational. My brain is broken and I'm tired of denying it.
I've started looking at firearm prices the other night. I find it amusing that they seemed to be too expensive for a one time use device when I wouldn't have to pay any more bills once I'm gone. Maybe that means I'm not 100% there yet. Maybe it means I need to choose another method. I had a friend who just walked into the ocean one day. I wish I knew where to find a good cliff.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Any tips for remedying/dealing with lamictal hair loss? I’m a 20 year old guy, I don’t need this shit
|
self.bipolar
|
How bad of an idea is this Hey Reddit I'm a guy who for about three years has been on a downward spiral of depression and drinking to the point where I now drink every night. For a little background, I'm a single guy in his twentys who hasn't been in a real relationship since my college girlfriend of 4 years up and moved out of our place together. I then spent years trying to get over how badly this devastated me. Fast forward three years after this and now I have been hanging out with this girl literally every night staying up till sunrise most nights. Its awesome and I don't want it to stop because for once I feel happy when I'm with her. The kicker here is that while I clearly am infatuated with this girl, she's gay and while I've seen signs that she may be interested in me, I'm pretty sure she's gonna stay that way. So now I'm in this place where I'm wondering what to do and how unhealthy of a relationship is this.
To clarify I'm worried that I'm coping with this depression with this girl that I'm pretty sure will move on at some point and I guess I'm just worried what will be left of me when that happens.
|
self.depression
|
Please help me understand Hi.
I've never been someone who seeks help on the internet, but i really need it now.
For the last 7 months I've been struggling with depression. A large chunk of it is due to chronic back and hip pain, about two weeks ago i genuinely realised i don't want to keep living. The only thing that's stopping me is:
By all accounts, i have a good life. Awesome partner, own a house, promising apprenticeship, good friends. By all accounts, i have plenty to be happy about. But i can't stop the thoughts. Constant pain, feeling empty and wretched. Councelling has done sweet fuck nothing, meds seem to alleviate but not help.
I just wanted to know, anyone who has gone through this, how? How the fuck did you manage this?
|
self.depression
|
Noones ever going to fall for me, and I'm learning to accept that. (xpost from /r/trueoffmychest) Well its been a long ride, pretty much a decade of failed attempts at a relationship after another, one night stands that never turned into anything, online conversations that die before they truly start. Nothing in my life is attractive to the people I'd want in my life, so I've pretty much given up. For all those still looking I wish you good luck, and to ind those that make you happy.
God knows I'll never be....
|
self.depression
|
I Had My First ECT Session Yesterday I'm currently inpatient and undergoing ECT. The first session brought me a horrible headache, jaw pain, back and neck pain. No memory loss though! I think I'm already starting to feel a little better, but its hard to tell because im in such a structered no-stress enviroment. I guess I'll found out when I go back to work if this is really helping. Anyway, I was just wondering if any of you had some ECT experiences you could share... Does it get easier with each session? How many sessions did you do?
|
self.bipolar
|
Ive given up. I don't know what to say. I'm done. I'm done with this world. I'm done with fighting. Nobody wants me to fight. I don't even know why I'm saying this. Nobody cares. People might say they do. But in the end if I kill myself will it effect you. No. It might effect some but in the end it doesn't matter. Like I said in the title. I've given up. I've completely given up. I have people who care about me but I can't talk. My mind is always screaming. My throat is torn from screaming but my mouth hasn't opened. I'm exhausted. Getting out of bed in the morning hurts. Living everyday hurts. It's a strain to move. It hurts to smile. I just can't do it. I'm 16 years old. I am a softmore in high school. I have a nice car. Tonight before work I am going to run into a concrete wall holding up a bridge at 100 miles an hour. I just can't do this anymore. The people on this site are amazing. You all say you care so much and I think that this has been a way of relief for many. But I just can't. I can't get help at this point. I'm in too deep. I'm so sorry.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Today I received some really good news A few months ago (possibly more, my perception of time isn't great right now) my best friend started having seizures, and a tumour was discovered in his brain. Since then he's been through various rounds of radio and chemotherapy, and today had the results back from a recent scan. The tumour has reduced massively in size, and the parts they were really concerned with appear to be gone. This is brilliant news! And while I feel a sense of relief, and am no longer fixated on "what if it's terminal?", I just can't seem to feel any positivity. I don't want this to have an impact on our relationship, but I feel like I'm withdrawing and slipping away from him. We used to live together, but he's back living with his parents (since before the tumour) due to other issues. I'm trying to be there for him, but between work and constantly feeling like shit, I feel like I'm letting him down. I don't know whether I'm asking for advice or just ranting. I just feel so lost.
|
self.depression
|
I need to break it off with this girl So I’ve been seeing a girl who is really, REALLY hot and nice, but we are not clicking at all. I’m mean we have a great tile when we are drunk and dance and laugh but without the alcohol there is nothing.
Besides I am not looking for a relationship or anything right now [M20], I think I’m to young for that shit. But before we started seeing eachother she heard that I really liked her looks and that I thought she was really gorgeous; I really did but really I just wanted to have sex with her. I don’t feel sorry for feeling like that, after all she was a work friend but still it’s a situation most would describe as akward.
Now we have been seeing (”sleeping with”) eachother for a few weeks and I get the feeling she is super into me( ”feelings” towards me) and I don’t want her or anyone to think that I am using her. That’s why I wanna break it off, cause I know that she deserves good but that I am not the one to give it to her.
What do you guys think? I really could use some advice or atleast emotional support...
|
self.offmychest
|
Give me cyanide, give me a gun, or everyone else suffers more. Worlds choice That simple, you either provide me a simpler way to kill myself or else other people will continue to suffer and one day someone might accidentally die to my psychosis.
End of discussion. This is not for debate. I have spent 24 years of 36 living years with 24/7 suicidal thoughts. But I realize that if there is a god, his purpose fot me is to die, nothing to do with my mental illness, I am supposed to stop others suffering.
20 years of being treated for Bipolar I never had, running the gambit of medicine. Now doctors tell me too afraid to diagnose me with the either borderline or antisocial personality disorder they know I have because they are afraid of me or because there is no treatment I haven't done, their words not mine. The ones who see me try force to take medicines they know I have been hospitalized for taking.
The psychiatric industry is bullshit. Not all the docs themselves, just the opinion based science that no one in the field understands. A bipolar doctor can't tell their colleagues they are bipolar because the industry is a bunch of assholes. All the medicines are sold to require you to become an addict to them to maybe get an small effect they have no idea what it does. Then they want you to do it all over. Fuck you.
I am giant psychotic asshole who hurts people far too often and far too psychotically that one day someone will die. Help me be that person who dies.
It's a sad fucking world because people can't see how a seizure and a psychotic outburst is medically the same thing, a physical disturbance of the brain. The problem is the seizure hurts the one, the psychosis hurts others. And regardless of the bullshit that is psychiatry, the people in the industry genuinely trying to help can't actually do shit because there is no real science for them to use.
Save future lives and end mine in a way that is forced upon me or cyanide which I can swallow. Don't bother saying anything else because you know you're bullshiting.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I love you, and I know you don't feel the same. We became close friends, a year ago when we first met. You were into one of my close friends at the time, and slowly dug through his outer shell, and ended up dating, in spite of the age gap between you. I always thought of you as one of the most beautiful people I had ever met, but out of respect for my friend, and because i knew you were obsessed with him it was pretty easy for me to put it out of my mind and not worry about it, even further along when I had a girlfriend as well. But eventually you're relationship with him fell apart, you wanted him and he slowly didn't feel the same, and so eventually things between the two of you came to a split.
But whenever you describe him when talking to me, I know you genuinely loved him, and I was the awkward bystander. Heck, you always came to me for advice for what to do so I helped where I could, till it finally did end, and now you're relying on me to help you through your final two years and i'm so sorry I have to say it but I do. I love you. Your smile, the sound of your laughter that you hate so much, your adorable face, even when feeling down or sad, I love it and I love you. It never truly dawned on me till I tried to envision what the perfect partner for me would be, and finding an incredible amount of similarities between you and her, and laying on the bed last night, realise that I did love you. But your type of boyfriend... its not me, and it probably never will be. It doesn't matter. 7 weeks from now, i'm going to confess, and get it over with. I already know the answer, but I don't think I can stay around till you graduate, or find another guy. and I know this will hurt, me sure, but you the more, and i'm so sorry for it, but I need to do this for myself. Goodbye old friend
|
self.offmychest
|
How do I get over this I don’t know how to accept the fact that I’m hideous and will never mean something to someone. Any help would be nice
|
self.depression
|
Someone help 4 months ago i wasnt suicidal. Didnt even know the 4 ways id do it like i do now. I had a girlfriend of 4 years who broke my heart and a couple buddies who recently robbed me. Its been betrayal after betrayal. But surprisingly for some odd reason i still want people around me. Not sure how i meet people. Wont open myself as i did before but wouldnt hurt having someone to talk to rather than staring at my ceilings every friday night. So how do i do this guys.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I really just don't want to be alive anymore [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I'm the most despised person on Earth. There's no contest about this.
People hate me.
I grew up in a home where neither of my parents loved me, not truly at any rate. Sure, when others were around, they acted like they gave a shit in order to keep appearances but behind closed doors? I was just their pawn.
In school, I was bullied mercilessly. Even in the work force and in college, my peers would give me looks, laugh behind my back, and treat me like a leper. I've never been able to finish college or hold a job for more than a few months because I flunked out in the former, and have actually been framed for theft, sabotaged, and mistreated in the latter. I am unemployed, and sitting on my ass all day for the last seven years because people hate me.
I'm married to the only person who used to be able to tolerate me. However, that's changed. He's begun to hate me as well. So he yells at me over every infraction now, says he hates me/life, drives recklessly, seems repulsed by me, etc etc. I can't blame him.
Yesterday, I went to my doctor to get some refills. Lately, my doctor's been distant and disinterested in me. I went in for my appointment and waited for an hour before asking the nurse what was wrong. With a condescending grin, she says that my doctor doesn't want to see me, and I should go see someone new. I felt absolutely crushed. Even my own fucking doctor doesn't want to see me...
I've tried making friends online. I even got to talking to someone I met on this sub but he ended up treating me like a sack of shit. That's just the way it goes for me.
I feel so alone, and it's getting harder to get out of bed lately. I'm losing my will to live. While I'm not suicidal, I do feel...empty and sad all the time.
I'm the most despised person on Earth. I guess that makes life a lot tougher for me.
|
self.depression
|
Not panic attacks, but maybe depression attacks? Dissociation attacks? Can anyone help me here? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Does it sound like I have a low self-esteem? Seriously like the only time I feel happy is when I'm with a guy or when I'm having sex or getting physical contact. Like other than I always feel down or angry. People treat me like trash on a daily basis or never listen to my side of the story. Seriously I'm just sick of my life in general. I hate everyone and everything.
Why am I like this?
|
self.depression
|
Do you think it would help or hurt to talk to someone who is in psychosis about spirituality? I've been there before and I'm not even sure. I've been out of hospitals for over 2 years now and am feeling pretty swell. Psychosis did its damage, and I'm trying to recover.
I've started learning Reiki and other spiritual topics for help with my emotions. I give all the credit to my medications and wonderful therapist for keeping me well, but I'm looking for a way to give back.
I can't handle having lots of psych patients. I've tried it a little through 7 cups of tea. It really takes a toll on me. Reiki somehow feels different, maybe sort of religious even though that's not what it's supposed to be. I mainly look at it like a meditation you do in the company of others, and it's totally free form and creative.
Anyways, I just wanted to give meditation a quick holler, but it's definitely not a replacement/alternative. Believe me I'VE TRIED. IT WAS BAD.
I'd kind of like to help out at a hospital. Now being in the mental ward most likely will be triggering but in theory I'd like to help. So I'm wondering. Would you want to talk to someone who has thought of all those crazy theories and knows where you're coming from but has done well on medications and still experiences spiritual feelings as a peer?
There was a peer job nearby actually, I'm wondering if any of you would ever consider taking such a position.
|
self.bipolar
|
Expierence with Lexapro? I am currently on 10mg of abilify (not enough if you ask me) but my psychiatrist is also wanting to put me on Lexapro for the down swings. I remember this making me manic when I took it before my bipolar diagnoses but abilify takes care of the mania supposedly. I am just afraid of Lexapro after past experience with it and seeking advice I suppose
|
self.bipolar
|
Therapy with gAD Was seeing therapist. Was losing my mind. Got referral to psychiatrist. Got a diagnosis of GAD. Took SSRI. Moved. Weaned (sorta medically supervised). Discontinuation syndrome ensued. Possibly worst experience of my life (though a bunch of other life challenges were going on at the same time). Cannabis and Alcohol for the last 17 years (experimented with other stuff, but nothing else has been a mainstay). I have a great support network of friends and family. Some listen. Some try to help too much. Therapy has been a hit or miss experience for me.
Question is: Should I be "venting" to people or not? Should I abstract my challenges?
I end up sharing challenges and details and worries and specifics and it's not that people don't feel interested or compelled to help, but realistically, it's not their damn job. What do I do? See a therapist again? It seemed like though it was a professional's job to listen and they have provided great suggestions, I was burdening them with generic first world problem crap.
Thank you for your valuable time.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I want to scream from internalizing everything But I don't want to inconvenience anyone with the noise.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Weekend work anxiety Anyone spend their weekends worried about what they may have done wrong the day (Friday) before? I have anxiety issues and sometimes find myself stopping into the office to confirm that I didn’t fuck up.
Anyone have solutions or experienced this? I obviously have ocd issues.
Thanks.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm So tired I just woke up, or rather I tried to sleep 2 hours ago but just lied in bed thinking about falling asleep and not being able to. I wanted to run to my parents room so badly and just lie next to them but I have already burdened them enough for the last nearly 2 weeks of my nonsense. I went to see a psychiatrist yesterday and was diagnosed with anxiety and depression but I feel as if it's not really what is wrong with me. I have taken my medications as instructed and want to sleep so badly but my evil brain is not letting me and ranting on here is the only thing that I felt would make me feel better. I know I need to sleep but when I lie down I can't.
I just want to feel normal again. I know my mind is playing games with me and I need to fight it back. I am going to try to go back to sleep now and think positive thoughts only.
|
self.Anxiety
|
What was I experiencing? At work today everying was fine and normal, until my family walked in. No big deal they come in everyday, not for me, but for my mom. We work at the same place but different departments. I live by myself so I only see him when he's about to order food.
 
I normally just take his order and he leaves, but today while I was taking his order i started having flashbacks of my childhood. Like the time he forced me to play sports until I was in tears or when he would yell at me to smile.
 
He got his food and left, but my memories got more intense. It felt like I was reliving the times he would come home stressed and yell at me, streaming every insult in the book. Or sometimes he would throw items or punch his fist very close to me every time he got angry. The shouts and noises sounded like they were following me in my presents time.
 
At the same time my fingernails were scratching and digging into my skin, and my fingers were twisting around and I was bending them until there was pain. I was holding back tears and my voice was raspy. I was moody towards customers and employees. My mind was racing and I kept forgetting basic tasks. I wanted to run, scream, or cry, but I was stuck in cafe, I felt trapped.
 
That lasted for about 30 minutes, after that everything slowed down, and I felt more level headed. I was still snappy, and I kept visualising killing or wounding myself.
 
Everything is fine right now, but if any of you guys have insight of what happened I would love to hear it. I would also like to know if anyone else has experienced something similar.
|
self.depression
|
Thoughts of disappearing keep crossing my mind. Please somebody help.. I've been like this for days now. I can no longer stay more than six hours without browsing reddit. I've been ignoring the calls and messages from family members as though to avoid the question "how are you doing?". My overall appearence and hygiene are decaying. I tried to clean my room several times but gave up halfway every single time. The intrusive thought "I just want to disappear" keeps cruising in my mind. My struggle to stop browsing reddit leads to my energy being entirely drained, and then as a result only having energy for even more reddit browsing. There is no particular problem with reddit. My problem lies in not being able to identify the reason for this depression that leads to reddit browsing that leads to making myself miserable that leads to more depression that leads to more reddit browsing. I keep having loneliness breakdowns where I wish I honestly could feel satisfied with only myself as a companion, and proceed to fantasize of romantic relationships in fantasy-like settings (where the societal standards and interpersonal norms are different, probably as a result of my Asperger's) and indulge in masturbation; and for some reason the lady in my fantasy is almost always fully clothed, at a certain distance from me, and often sitting by a window and looking outside. As though I am not even interested in sex anymore.
Thoughts of dying cross my mind very often, though none of them involve suicide; as I've said before, just of disappearing.
I wish I had a true friend. I have a friend but we are only there for each other for laughing at internet memes and delivering puns. There is nobody I really care about. Every conversation with my family feels like an interrogation at a commissary. Being in this world feels like being in a deserted island with somebody who always compares me to others and only ever talks about how inferior I am to somebody he/she knows, but I never personally met; and when I improve myself, I am then compared with somebody even more superior. There are no fruits or rewards to personal victories.
This loneliness has been going on for years, and I am perhaps reaching my limit.
I hope a miracle happens and that I feel the energy to get out of bed tomorrow in the morning instead of browsing reddit and perhaps even go to school, but I also hope for the miracle of figuring this out.
|
self.offmychest
|
I feel Dirty Last couple days have been so horrible, so i can only imagine how my friend feels. Few weeks ago i talked my 2 best friends into going to a birthday party with me, since my girlfriend of 2yrs had already made plans to go out with her family that night, they said yes and i thought it'll be good hanging with my boys (we're all mid 20s). The day of the party i got into a very heated argument with my gf and i just honestly wanted to get wasted and drown it all out cause I'm a bit of an overthinker and it usually gets the better of me.. so i went with the intention of getting wasted and that was exactly what i did, the party was great, we got high, talked shit and had fun but i was getting sober and the argument i had earlier replayed itself in my head, so i told the closer of my 2 friends to go for a walk with me, seeing that the other was occupied and by now had some random girl sitting on his lap sucking his face.
We walked some distance from the party though it was still in sight, and i started to open up on what was on my mind, he comforted me like most friends would, we shared a hug but i noticed he stayed a little to long embracing me, so i kind of pushed him off, giggled "gay", he smiled right back at me saying "you wish". Trying to tease him I leaned forward and asked if he was sure about it? (Or something just as corny, for the sake of a stupid joke) but was i wrong, before i knew what was happening we were locked together, kissing and reaching for things that had no calling being reached for .
What seemed like a few seconds in, I'm not sure cause my head was spinning and i felt numb, as if dreaming, I panicked and pulled away from him, instantly he looked at me with wide eyes then came towards me again, this time grabbing at my belt, unbuckling my shorts.. i couldn't understand what was happening, he has a daugther, has a gf and up until this point shared no interest that i knew of in men. My emotions got the better of me, i was so confused and angry about feeling this vulnerable i had to do something, i took control of him, guided him up against a wall, and had him on the receiving end of what i can only describe now as raw fustration(sex). We returned to the party like normal but ever since that night i have being avoiding him, i have not returned his calls nor have i responded to his messages, 17 of them.. however he texted me today apologising for the entire thing, saying he wants to keep our friendship intact, a few of his earlier messages also stated thst he had experimented before but never got as far as we did. I dont know what's wrong with me, i should have never let that happen, and it's being killing me inside to the point where i can't look at my gf in her eyes and i love her so much but i just feel dirty and this would kill her.. I'm not even looking for advice, i just need to talk to someone, i needed to get it off my chest
|
self.offmychest
|
Why do I get depressed over seemingly stupid stuff? So here I am, wide awake at 4am, because I really only have one friend, who's a girl, and she had a date last night and it went really well and it's my assumption that they had sex.
Why does that depress me? Why does that keep me up at night?
We've already talked and we wouldn't make a good couple, and we're better off as just friends. I'm a little attracted to her, but not enough for me to be feeling like this.
It doesn't help that I'm autistic and so I can't help but focus on it, even though I know it's not healthy for me. It just keeps bouncing around inside my head, and I can't get out of my head no matter what I try to replace it with.
It's just that whenever I think about her on her back with some guy on top of her I can feel the bottom drop out of my stomach and I give a depressed sigh. But I don't understand it because it's not like I wish I could replace the guy.
I guess I'm just feeling lonely, and it's frustrating because she can get a date any time she wants, and I've been struggling for months and months, and I can't get anybody to even talk to me, let alone go on a date with me.
I'm on pof, and I've sent out probably close to 100 messages and I haven't gotten so much as a reply. And that's frustrating because they won't even tell me what I did wrong, so I don't know why they're not responding.
I guess I also deep down feel like she isn't as good of a friend to me as I am to her, and I guess I'm starting to resent her for that. I'm always there for her whenever she needs me, and I'm always willing to offer her help and advice. But then when I ask her for advice I get an idk or some equivalent. Case in point, with my autism I don't have any fashion sense, so I asked her opinion on some sunglasses, and she responded with "Idk they're ur sunglasses" which is obviously less than helpful, and not at all appreciated after she's told me she's here for me and I can ask her for advice and stuff. She finally said she didn't think they fit my face well after I pressured her to give me her honest opinion, which is all I wanted from the start.
I don't know, I'm just frustrated. I don't want to resent her, she's pretty much my only friend. Nobody else will hang out with me, or text back and forth, or make plans with me. Do I don't want to lose her as a friend, because then I'd be really alone, and I think this is too stupid of a thing to lose her friendship over.
I just don't know why nobody will ever respond to the messages I send on pof, and why I only have the one friend. I want more friends, but it seems like nobody else wants me. It's a sucky feeling.
I just wish I could sleep. I was super tired when I crawled into bed around 2:30, and finally gave up at 4 because I'm wide awake and sleep isn't coming anytime soon.
Anybody have any advice on what to say to people on dating sites so I'll finally get a response? Because the messages I've sent obviously aren't working. Forget the sex, I'm just desperate for a hug. It's been over a year since I got a good hug, and that sucks.
|
self.depression
|
I've done it so many times, but I just don't want to pull myself up again. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Apparently intrusive thoughts aren't normal I always assumed everyone had them until I said something about them to a friend today. Are having two monologues, one as your normal thought processes and the other for weird shit thats floating round in your brain that you can't control, normal in a bipolar sense? I hope this is understandable lol
|
self.bipolar
|
Just started writing up my suicide letter Throwaway account because I'm too fucking scared of people knowing.
After years of imagining different scenarios where I can peacefully pass away, through accidents or whatnot, for the first time I started writing up my suicide letter. I just finished the segment to my very best friend, after I doing something that I think may have been a fuck up that may possibly cause issues with him and another friend (husband and wife). To the people that knows me in person, they all see me as this trolly, happy guy, but I'm 100% positive that none of my friends or family probably even suspects this, since I'm too scared to confide in anyone about my issues. Actually, I'm not even sure why I'm even posting this, guess I just wanted someone to know, and somewhere to vent. Is it normal for people to write up letters, with or without intentions of self harm?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My mom ruined Thanksgiving and now I feel like the holidays are ruined. Hi everyone! So let me try to get through as much of the backstory of my current predicament. Throughout the years, I've pretty much had a perpetually strained relationship with my family. Both of my parents had awful relationships with their parents and siblings. As a result, they've always had this over the top "family is the most important thing in the world" mentality. And growing up in that kind of an environment has been very hard.
This constant pressure to always get along and always agree has definitely put a strain on my relationship with them and my younger brother. More often than not, I was always the odd man out in our household.
Since I've gotten married, holidays have become kind of unbearable. It feels like everyone is trapped and stuck around the table the whole time. My mom rants on and on, repeating how important family is and how we're all together. My younger brother says unintentionally offensive things. The two of them tell weird stories to try to embarrass me. No one asks my wife anything, and when she tries to talk, everyone talks over her about something else (which coincidentally is the same exact thing that happens to my dad). My sister-in-law gets praised like she's the second coming. I get frustrated and eat too much food.
Things took a turn for the worse this Thanksgiving. My mom has been worried about my dad, who has had a bunch of health issues this past year. We also know that she overly stresses about the holiday and doesn't want any help. She treats it like she's a martyr, that she did all this cooking and housework for everyone. My wife and I decided that we would have Thanksgiving at our place, as we're centrally located between my parents and brother/sister-in-law. We also didn't want my mom to have to stress out about cooking and cleaning. My mom put up a huge fight and begrudgingly gave in.
We thought we were doing a nice thing. The week or two leading up to Thanksgiving, no one would answer my wife's emails about the holiday. Part of that might have been because the plan was that my brother and sister-in-law could come later, because they had to check in with her family, and not to worry about coming together or at the same time. I'm assuming my mother assumed that was a slight against him.
On the day itself, it was a bust. My mom's first words were "he's going to need to have surgery" in regards to my dad and was just generally pissy throughout the day. Any attempt at a joke from me or my wife was met with disdain. When my brother and his wife showed up, we were pretty much ignored except for the occasional insult joke about me. They also kept asking about my wife's family, which is a sore spot for her. At one point while my wife and I were cleaning, the rest of my family was talking about something they knew we would be offended by as they were whispering.
My wife wound up excusing herself to lay down as she had a headache (and kind of because she needed a break from them. Truthfully, I know she was upset with how the day wound up) for about a half hour while I set up the desert and they left soon after. We might have had company for three hours, but emotionally it felt like it was much longer.
Immediately afterward, we thought that the holiday had gone over as best as it could have. But in the days following, my wife and I felt more and more upset about how the holiday went.
A few days later I stopped by my parents' house to get some stuff of mine and to try to talk to my mom about Thanksgiving. I wanted to try to bring up to her that my wife was hurt by the way she was treated, and to please try to be a little more thoughtful. What I got was a half hour lecture about how ungrateful I am, how my wife didn't even want to have the holiday at our place and how rude she is, and ending it with how awful I was to put my father through the holiday, because of his health issues. I never yelled and stayed calm, which was a good thing for me. She ended it, kind of at that point where she was kicking me out and I was leaving anyway, saying that she wasn't going to be bullied by me or my wife and that it doesn't matter because there won't be many more holidays anyway.
I found it surreal that the whole time she keeps yelling at me that family is important, but she doesn't realize how upset and hurt she makes me. I haven't spoken to them or anyone in almost a week. It really bothers me for several reasons, as with Christmas coming up I don't know what to do. I love my dad and want to spend time with him (and my mom, too) but I don't want to be emotionally manipulated all the time. I do enjoy my family and the decorations and the memories, but it seems she's hellbent on replacing them all with sadness and anger. I really don't know how to navigate this. Like I want to spend time with them throughout the holidays, but I just don't know what to do or how to approach this.
I am lucky that my wife is patient and understanding about this, as her family is probably equally nutty, in different ways. She knows how much the holidays (even when there is less visible tension) make me sad, because my biggest fear is not having a family. But my relationship with my family (and the way they treat her) does spill over into our relationship, which makes things hard. Part of me didn't want to ever acknowledge the Thanksgiving fiasco, but after seeing how bothered she was I had to say something.
Sorry for the ranting. I just needed to vent.
tl;dr: Mom treats me like I'm the family pariah; don't know how to maintain a healthy relationship with my family, especially during the Christmas season.
|
self.offmychest
|
I have never been so open about this Hello.
I will try to be as precise and exact as I can be.
•F18
•Diagnosed with vegetative dystonia
•Most possibly, my mental issues are genetically inherited
•I feel not understood even if I just try to start a conversation. And I start with the smallest things, just to see if the person is on the same page, kind of. Guess what? I never finish
•I have a lot of pressure on me from my dad. He has some kind of a medical degree, has depression himself and has taught me that anti-depressants work, but you will never in your life will experience genuine, pure happiness anymore. So I'm scared. I'm scared to even open up to him about how bad it really is. I'm scared of judgement. Of him trying to press charges on my mom (because she doesn't try to help me) to get the child custody on my sister(parents are divorced, I am not considered a child anymore). Of him pressing me into healing naturally. Of him being not understanding.
ALSO - he has actually told me the "people have it worse, some are disabled, some are blind, be happy about what you have" bs
•My mom is openly calling me lazy, spineless and weak-willed. She doesn't believe in mental illnesses. She legitimately thinks that I'm faking it and I'm just lazy. Basically, she doesn't care about me. When I'm sick, most she'll do - open a window. That's all.
•I have no one to talk about this and feel understood afterwards.
•Have been to psychotherapist twice and I know that I had to go through a course(?) and it doesn't help immediately... but I still absolutelt hated it.
•My immune system is basically non-existent at this moment. I catch every virus I can, I get pinched nerves in my back every month or so. And that leads us to =>
•Because of being ill a lot, I miss out on a lot of things in school(last year rn). So I have a lot of things to do, many deadlines are coming up... But I have 0 motivation. I am fully aware of the consequences(dropping out), but I still have no energy fot that. And then it piles up and I'm stressed about not doing anything and it piles up again and so on. Never ending cycle!
•Because of finishing HS this year, I have to find an university etc. There's a long story about my search, but, long story short - I failed, my parents aren't doing any help but just reminding me and it stresses me out.
IN CONCLUSION
I am stressing out about my stress. Too scared to seek help, scared of my mother saying "stop acting as an idiot and just go and do (..) without thinking" and not understanding me. Scared of my dad trying to tell me that "you don't have it that bad." Scared of being seen as weak and an attention seeker. Scared of being misunderstood. Scared of opening up. I cry myself to sleep, feeling things I cannot described. Being dragged, ripped up in two pieces by two different forces... idk. Feeling empty. Helpless. As a burden.
Thanks for reading if you got this far... I feel a bit easier.
P.S.: English isn't my native language, feel free to correct me.
|
self.depression
|
Face changing between states? I literally mean changing.
When I feel manic my face looks clearer, more vibrant and just more attractive. But when I feel depressed my face looks unbearable to look at. I look like squidward mixed with a gnome.
I don't know what I look like to other people I mean I can look at myself and be good then 5 minutes later look like a disgusting version of myself. Surely I don't change to the people around me?
|
self.bipolar
|
What in particular are you struggling with? I'm writting about nutrition, curcumin in particular. There are over 500 studies done that confirms that curcumin can be beneficial on different issues you have.
Depression is one of them. I like to help people overcome their struggles with depression and make blogposts about this subject.
What would you like to read in a blogpost? What lind of problems or questions you want to be answerd. I have some own ideas since is was depressed and anxious a long time. But i want to know your opinion.
Be well,
Edwin
|
self.depression
|
I have no problems except for myself I could get great grades in school, but I can't make myself do anything. I can't do all my homework, I can't do all my schoolwork. I can't do anything that requires effort. I can't even put effort into my passions.
I'm stuck in a loop of thinking that I'm a waste of resources and space, and because of my self-awareness of my state I'm actually better than that, and that I'm only having these self-deprecating thoughts to ironically improve my opinions about myself. And I'll continue to believe that I can do anything while not attempting anything.
|
self.depression
|
S.A.D Lamp Alarm clock ? today was my first day back to college and i got quite depressed a bit today my girl friends bin wanting some space and its bugging me a bit but im learning to cope, I Dont want my seasonal affective disorder to effect me so much but its hard to get alot of time infront of the lamp i own. In the morning im rushing and the after noon i only get a small ammount of time with it. I was thinking about getting a SAD Alarm clock one that simulates the rizeing sun ? do you think that will help me out very much ?
|
self.depression
|
first panic attack/Anxiety intensifying Hi guys,
So, like 2 weeks ago I had my first panic attack. After that my life has turned pretty miserable. A few days after, i felt pretty great actually, didn't think i would feel that way for a while. Today school began, and all of my friends went away for college, and im stuck here alone at home. Now im scared to be alone, as im afraid that i will just lose control and have a breakdown or something, that will not leave me the same. My question to you is: How to cope and get rid of anxiety? Also, how to get rid of the repetitive bad thought loops?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Moments of Worthlessness I experience these deeply troubling bouts of depression about where I am in life with my career. In essence I feel very worthless. These thoughts run the full gamut, creating this isolation-type feeling and almost a full separation from myself. I'm experiencing so much of this today, sitting at my desk with an emptiness that consumes me and feels like an eternity.
|
self.depression
|
I was just thrown out of a "friends" house. A little bit of backstory here: I met up with an old classmate, who I never really talked with in class about 6 months ago, since then we've met up every now and again, but I've noticed she has major problems, she's an alcoholic, very depressed, and uses me to unload on with her problems EVERYTIME I come visit. Besides that, she pretty much only texts me when she needs something, 90% of the time it's beer and cigarettes. She's still a student.
Anyway, fastforward to today. I visit her, I bring beer as usual, 24 of them, I made it clear before I came, that I wouldn't drink too much, as it's my birthday tomorrow. Apparently she forgot about that when I visited.
Fastforward another hour or so. We drink a bit, I've had 2 beers, and decided to call it quits for that day, she insists I keep drinking, I refuse for a bit. So we do a bit of singing, which I also didn't want to at first, but she kept insisted I did it (basically pressuring me into doing it) so I sang a song or two, she didn't. We continue playing some games, mostly drinking games. I didn't really drink though, not a lot anyway.
Fastforward a little bit more, she starts getting a bit emotional, because her sister, who died before my friend Emma (let's just call her that) was born, and she was apparently not allowed to talk about it, which made her very emotional for some reason. I didn't really react to this as
1. I couldn't relate to it
and 2. She unloads on me EVERYTIME I visit, and I'm getting tired of it. I did however say, that there's nothing wrong in crying, to which she replied "I never cry" which I found hilariously stupid.
Anyway, fastforward another hour or so, she gets more and more emotional. She puts on some music, starts playing a drinking game (which I didn't agree to), I lose, she tells me to drink, I refuse, she insists, I refuse, she says "Drink or leave", so I decide to leave. So I put on my pants, which I took off because she intentionally spilled beer on them after I didn't cheer with her, furthermore she yelled at me a couple of times, anyway. I put on my pants, my shoes and my jacket, I forget my backpack, which I'm going to get tomorrow. Before I leave, I enter the living room and says "Emma, don't text me again", I don't know if she heard me, as she was sitting on the sofa, loud music, with her head down. Anyway I left. Walked the 3 or 4 miles that is to home, in rain. And now writing this, I'm so glad I told her to never text me again, and I truly hope she heard me. I'm getting my backpack tomorrow, and never contacting her again.
|
self.offmychest
|
What is the point So I am feeling really off lately. I have been having this homesick feeling like I'm missing someone or something but I don't know who or why. I feel really lonely and insignificant.
A girl I'm friends with told me she had a crush on me and we started talking a little, then she got way less responsive and busy and I kinda gave up on it. A friend told me not to so I tried talking to her but she always responds saying she's working. I tried not to care but then I sent her a message saying "remember when you said you liked me then never responded to my messages". That went well. She didn't respond then I am browsing Facebook and she posts a passive aggressive post about how she works 65 to 70 hours a week and "special thanks to people who don't get butthurt or offended when I'm working and don't respond right away" like bitch you don't respond at all. Am I crazy or would you at least respond and say hey I'm busy or at work right now?
Then this other girl gave me her number and we've been talking but she responds really sporadically. Is it too much to ask to have someone give a fuck about me? I just feel so insignificant like why am I even here does anyone even fucking care?
|
self.depression
|
Anyone else ever experienced this? I am 30F and have been having a rough time with depression and anxiety for about three years now. I could remember that I dealt with these things in my teens and early 20s, and then they tapered off for a few years.
What I didn't remember, though, was how bad it was when I was younger. I remembered it as being fairly mild, but in going back and reading through some journals I kept at the time I'm realizing that I was in a *really* bad place. And I remember almost none of it.
Has anyone else had that happen? Does depression cause memory loss?
|
self.depression
|
Depression...Regression? I've struggled with depression my entire life. I honestly thought it would just keep going. I never knew what was a normal feeling/mood and what was actually depression. Then about 3 years ago something changed. I suddenly found myself in a completely new state of mind. I woudn't say I was happy, but I was definitely content which was a major difference than my previous state. I don't know what it was that changed me, but I was actually excited to experience the world. It was a great time and sadly over the last 6 months I've been falling back into serious depression little by little. I am concerned that if I do fall entirely back into my depressive state, it could be years before I come out of it again. I'm interested to get some thoughts on this; especially from anyone who has had a similar experience.
|
self.depression
|
Whole day feels like a bucket of cold water I am a youngish women with a very "wholesome" look about me, and I feel like people expect that I am going to be very friendly as a result. When I'm not, they seem extra offended.
I've had so many people tell me I look angry, or call me rude lately. My boss has been micromanaging me and I can barely sit still while he is rattling off "suggestions". I was raped in August, and my mother is kicking me out of the house this month. She disowned me the Friday after Xmas and will not speak to me unless it's about move out plans. I'm eating everything in sight. I feel like my world is cold. Boss wants work. Mom wants me invisible. Boyfriend tells me to get through it. He is long distance and not here to provide support. My whole day feels like a bucket of cold water to the face.
|
self.depression
|
Say you could have a box for when you become extremely anxious, had a flashback or panic attack, etc. this box is 1 ft^3. What things do you put inside of it?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I need 2mg of orfidal (lorazepam) per day. Should I be worried to get addicted? It's a month since I'm taking this daily. I feel much better once I take it. I don't want to be an addicted but I think should wait to manage my other problems and then try not to get addicted to this. What do are your thoughts? Any experience taking these pills?
|
self.depression
|
in the wake of all the sexual assault from actors etc coming to light, why is woody allen still making movies? [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
No real therapy I was referred by the GP to this mental health centre and after 5 weeks, I was diagnosed with bipolar and I was prescribed pills, then they practically kicked me out. They referred me back to the GP. It was on my birthday. despite pleading that I still needed them, they made me sign a paper. I was crying really hard. I remember I took my things and ran out. I lied down on the grass in a park nearby. And I just felt so abandoned. They told me that if I needed them I just have to tell my gp and they might refer me back. This was more than a year ago.
I didn’t.
The gp doesn’t care, as long as I take my pills and I’m not suicidal, they’re ok with it. They spend less than 20 minutes after which I have to leave for the other person to come in. They look at me lazily as if they’re done with me. I’ve lost all faith in the quality my healthcare.
No one around me REALLY understands what I go through. No one understands episodes.
I am fine.
I’m ok.
But sometimes I feel like I’m on the verge of destroying myself and everything around me. I feel anger. Vengeance. Unbearable helplessness.
I tried online helplines and call helplines. Nothing. I trust no one in this. I feel so alone.
I’ve been fine.
I’ve been a functioning human. I go out. I work. I try to control my happiness and energy. I try to control my sadness and anger. And I’m doing well.
But I’ve been going through some things.
And everyday, when I get to work. I go to the bathroom and I have a good cry.
I’m alone.
Other than that, things couldn’t be better.
But there are times when I want to destroy everything I’ve worked on. I want it all to end.
|
self.bipolar
|
loving someone who doesn't love you back hit me harder than anything else throwaway for deep shit and I feel stupid writing this.
At uni, in same flat as a girl I adore, asked her out about a month ago and got a rejection.
Pretty standard situation of 'I love everything about her and refuse to believe there is someone else similar out there'. We talk a lot and make each other laugh, in the past we've had some moments where I'm sure she had feelings for me, but now I think it's changed. I fall asleep every night sad because I can't think about anything else. Even worse is that being at college my closest friends are hundreds of miles away, meaning I don't have anyone I can truly vent to or find solace in. Being in the same flat only makes the situation worse, cause I try to avoid her but find myself in conversations multiple times a day (in which I act happy and together). Added to this is that we're in the same circle of friends, so even if I wanted to go out and forget about her for a bit, she'd likely come along.
It also means I hear about it every time she hooks up, usually overhearing her talking about it to someone else. It's killing me and there's no escape from it. The only time I'm truly free is my couple hours soccer practice a week. I have deadlines coming up that I'm trying to focus on but they add stress to the mix, and I'm just trying to pull through but can't really see to what.
This has to be the most angsty thing I've written but I'm at the end of my tether and needed to put something together.
|
self.depression
|
Death changes people. I've been posting here a lot recently, telling everyone how I don't care about anyone or anything and I've been spewing out negative shit. I'm still suicidal and I consider that a possibility but I'm feeling different since I came back from my parents today. I'm not even sure if it belongs here, but I want to talk.
My sibling works at a company and she's pretty successful. However, her coworker and mentor whom she was close with recently passed away from cancer. Ever since then, she's become different - she's more emotional, she cried how her coworker didn't even say goodbye and how she didn't notice earlier stages of cancer. She was a wreck, to say the least.
And I realized then. Fuck. If she was that emotional over her coworker (sorry for being egocentric there), how would she react if I killed myself? It's strange - we've always argued throughout our childhood and didn't have the best relationship when we were younger, so having these feelings was unusual.
But still, if death of a close one can fuck a person so much... damn. Like I said, I'm not saying I've given up on the idea of suicide - but still, for the first time recently I actually realized that I cared, even if a little, about someone else's feelings.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
i hate changing between actions thats basically it even if its like i gotta go somewhere and i absolutely might love it when im there i just hate it before im there or i might be playing a game and my friends want me to play a different game but it takes them like 10 minutes to convince me to do something i really enjoy its just i dont like changing between situations and honestly most of my days are similar
|
self.Anxiety
|
I used to be so smart It used to be I could remember things easily, short term and long term (I now have virtually no long term memories, I still get them in flashes when reminded, but I can't recall things on purpose, and then they're just gone again)
I could do complexish maths and visualize things in my head before putting them on paper (Like woodworking plans or short stories), but now I can't do any of those things, I can barely a read a clock, takes me a good 30 seconds to work out when I need to get things out of the oven, and I still end up forgetting.
I've narrowed this down to three options:
1. I fried my brain on a four year long weed bender, I've been clean for three months and it hasn't improved.
2. My meds (Lamotrigine 150mg and Olanzapine 5mg daily) are making me dumb
3. I can't even remember what I was going to put third, that's how bad it is
I've just cut down the lamotrigine to 100mg, I'll see if that gets me out of the fog, if not I'll speak to my psych, if I remember.
I can barely hold this whole post in my brain, I keep having to read it again and again
Any thoughts?
|
self.bipolar
|
I’m getting worse :( I feel like I’m getting closer to ending my life. I the day I was going to commit I chickened out. I just feel like I’m never going to get better everyday I suffer from my own thoughts and in the end it is going to kill me. I feel so drained and hopeless I tried talking to my family but they constantly belittle me about how I feel. I feel like my existence is unbearable to be around and that I have nothing to offer to the world anymore. I do not trust myself and every single day just keeps getting harder and harder.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My dad never got to see me self-sufficient. I grew up privileged. I only remember my family struggling to get by at one point in my life, my parents paid all of my expensive college tuition, I didn't work a full time job until I was 25. Even then it was brief and didn't help much. It ate at me. I had some *good* and valid excuses, but they were still excuses. It more than ate at me. It consumed me at times.
At 26, my dad got sick. Pancreatic cancer. I took him to chemo and looked after him the best I could. There were days where all he needed was a jar opened and days I needed to constantly be on high alert in case he started choking again or fell. There were a number of months in there I could've worked. But I said I was taking care of him. It felt like another excuse. Even when I was looking after him, I was still dependent on his money.
Two months ago I got a job. I'm still underemployed, but for the first time in my life I'm able to pay for the overwhelming majority of my expenses. Next month I'll be paying for my own health insurance. I've been able to save money from my paychecks and start investing. I negotiated a higher salary. I wish he could've seen it. I think he knew I'd be okay, but I so dearly wish he got to see this. That he got to see his hard work raising me pay off. That I got to give back and help with his expenses in old age. Even though he said he was proud of me, I find myself doubting it and needing reassurance. I'm the closest thing left to him in the world, and I'm proud of myself. I have to settle for that, but I wish **so** badly that I was able to give him that reassurance I'll be okay and able to take care of myself.
|
self.offmychest
|
Just some thoughts I was having at 2:30am. Has anyone ever felt so depressed that you think about that one thing that might send you over the edge? Mostly family would have me really contemplate what is going to happen next. If my grandparents died I wouldn’t know what to do with myself seeing as they are my backbone spiritually and mentally. My older sister would be another person that I think about a lot. She’s a lot like me in a lot of ways and I wouldn’t be able to think the same way again without her insight on all the things she has seen.
|
self.depression
|
Not much time left Dad dead by sucide in 30s. Mother locked up in an institution early 50s. I am early 30s. Not much time until I get worse than what I already am and I have wasted the lot.
20s morbidly obese and could barely leave house
30s still undatable covered in loose skin with a manual labor job and a masters.
I've come to realize, hot tip for other depressives as well if you can't talk or get on with people...I mostly just cant small talk and I am emotionally unintelligent then any white collar job despite your smarts will be difficult for you. Could of saved myself a massive debt if I knew this 20 years ago.
|
self.depression
|
Hardest month in a long while This last month was a very dark time for me. I secluded myself heavily. I didnt even go to thanksgiving. I starting doing the self harm thing bad again. Lost a lot of friends. Honestly dont know how I got through it and be here rn. Just needed to put that some where lol
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm up late again Sleep cycle has been off lately. That or I just can't stop playing stupid vintage computer games. I usually only get into these when I'm depressed. And I think video games are usually a waste of time but serotonin!
I've been feeling better as of late but right now can't tear myself away...anybody else find themselves lost in a digital blanket of input?
|
self.bipolar
|
Venting before I explode I’m posting in anxiety because I think most of my issues come from the anxiety, not depression.
I can be the nicest person ever. But when I get disrespected, I will defend myself to wits end.
This new medication I’m on clearly took the earmuffs off of me and gave me a backbone. Idk if I like it. It scares me how two weeks ago I blatantly wanted to kill myself and had no problem expressing so. Now I just don’t care even though I know I don’t have a purpose being alive.
I had two really bad customer service experiences within the past week. I literally snapped both times, to the point of petty reviews online.
And I wonder why I stay inside and never do shit anymore. People are the fucking C word.
Oh and if you’re white and express your concerns over poor customer service, you’re apparently racist.
Fuck this world.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Kidneys Part 2: Good News!!!! Hi everyone! About a week ago, I wrote a post about having kidney disease and feeling miserable about it. Well, today I went back to the nephrologist and found out that my kidneys have improved!!! They now function at 46%, as compared to 36% 6 months ago. I'm still in stage 3, but I'm so happy that they're not deteriorating, and that they're actually getting better! I tend to share a lot of upsetting bad news here, so I thought I'd share something happy. :-)
|
self.bipolar
|
I want to help but don't know how! I've known this guy for 8 years and he hasn't been diagnosed, but after reading a few blogs and medical webpages, they all read like the story of his life.
We met when I was "dating" someone he knew, and I mean we had a really intangible connection. He had met the guy the same day and they had happened to be hanging out in the main hall at high school when I went to see my "boyfriend".
He latched on, that's the only way I can explain it. My mother is a narcissist and I grew up feeling down on myself. I wasn't allowed friends and I sort of evolved to not need other people and expected to be alone my whole life. He's the kid of a narc so he's used to sneaking around. And I dunno, he fell in love with me or decided he fell in love with me. He would decide we were going to hang out and would just follow me when I left the school. It was weird but kinda cute and I was used to my mother ignoring my boundaries so it didn't bother me.
And then we fell in love for real. Whatever is wrong with him and me, I refuse to beleive that there wasnt a real connection somewhere. He taught me how to be myself, to be confident and stand up for myself. I did worship him for a while.
And then he just got too intense and I let him (and the authorities) know that I didn't want him to be around anymore.
A few months later some nasty rumors were spreading around the school and I was feeling alone and friendless, and I guess he popped up on a comment on another friends profile or something and on a whim I messaged him. It wasnt instant chemistry, but I found a friend when I was in need. We had a really good relationship for a while.
And that set the tone for our relationship. We would talk for a while, and then he would have what I see now was a manic episode and would lose his freaking mind, and eventually it would get to the point where I had to cut him off. After a while I would see if he had calmed down, and we would gradually reinstate our old relationship. We never officially dated, heck we never actually had sex, but it was still the most emotionally intimate relationship i've ever had. He understood me like no one else, including my husband. but I always knew that he would never really settle down and resigned myself to this on again off again on the side.
2 years ago we started talking again, the first time in a little over a year, and after I had several life changing moments, like surgery and moving out. I got married and invited him to be my best man.. and he showed! Me and my husband (who knows the whole story) invited him to come live with us. He's always had drug problems and an unstable home life and I thought living with us might bring him around to normalcy.
Needless to say, it didnt happen. He moved in, and things were great for a while, but when they went south they went quick. like call the cops quick. He left most of his stuff in my garage and I refused to throw it out becuz i dont hate him, but he screwed up bad. And I want to give it back at some point. He jumped into a relationship with this really messed up girl we knew in high school and moved in with her.
that was a year ago. now I'm reading about being bipolar it's all making sense, and part of me wants to jump on facebook and explain to him that everything will be great once he sees a doc and gets on medication. but that would probably not work out well. the relationship with this girl will end at some point and he'll crash. i guess i just want to know, is there anything I can do? should I try to reach out and explain that i want the best for him, but i had to protect myself? should i wait and see if he tries to come back and insist he sees a doctor before I let him in the door? i'm not jumping into anything, i know everyone is different, blah blah, but I want him to know I still love him, i just love my husband more, and i want to be there for him as long as I'm not going to get totally screwed. i was thinking maybe i could use dropping his stuff off as an excuse to try and talk to him. but if he's gotta make the first move or something, i'll just drop it off and if he never does then i'll just move on
he's a lot more "manic" than "depressive". i mean everyone around school knew him becuz he would get these crazy ideas, run around, talk a thousand miles a minute and never sleep, and then he would slow down and sort of stop talking to anyone or doing anything.
i just want to know what he's thinking, i guess. i know somebody is gonna say 'he hasnt been diagnosed" lets just pretend, for the sake of argument, that he was but he's not on meds.
|
self.bipolar
|
I’m finally breaking up with my abusive girlfriend after too long I never used to understand why people in abusive relationships didn’t just end it or leave and why it would be so hard for them, but I understand it now.
So we started dating about 9 months ago and after the first one I knew that the relationship was not going to be good for me, she was extremely jealous and angry when I spent any time with my other female friend, I don’t have many friends but the couple I do have i am really close with, but she didn’t like it and forced me to stop seeing her and stop talking to her and to eventually cut her out of my life entirely, this was the first red flag that I saw and it scared me.
Over time there were little arguments and some fights and every single time they end the same way it was me trying to calm her down and she would constantly say she’s going to kill herself and that nothing matters, she’d say exactly what so had to do that I would not leave, I knew that she was using me and manipulating me to get what she wanted but I couldn’t do anything about it, i just kept being hers to use and eventually i just became dead inside, i didn’t care, she told me i was just trash and that i didn’t matter so i started to believe it, and that it was just going to be like this for the rest of my life.
After a while she started getting violent, nothing extreme but enough that I’d call it abusive, I’ve had a couple black eyes, bruises on my chest and arms and scratches, on the side of my neck when she’s grab it, down my chest when she’d swing at me, and every time I told her how I felt, that I didn’t feel safe or comfortable in the relationship she’d tell me that if I was good enough then she wouldn’t have to hit me, she told me I wasn’t allowed to talk to anyone, not my other friend, not my mother, I couldn’t talk to anyone it just kept me up every night wishing I could just have someone , I just grew so dead inside so empty I gave up, I started to hurt myself because I thought I deserved it, i let her use me and do whatever she wanted, i always told her that she treated me like a slave or servant and that’s how I felt, that I was just there to do what she wanted of me, I hated myself for months because I couldn’t do anything about it and I didn’t know if it would last forever I just wanted to die but I couldn’t be bothered to kill myself, I was just gone.
Until last night, me and my family have a tradition going out to cut down a tree for Christmas together and when we were out, she called, and told me that I had to come pick her up from whatever, so I started to go and my mom and family asking why and what was wrong and all I could say walking away was I had to and I just broke down crying while walking away, i hated myself because i was pushing everyone away but I couldn’t stop myself I just felt like I had to, like it was an obligation.
A bit later my mom came to where I had to pick her up, she told me how worried she was about me and that she doesn’t think the girl is good for me that she seems a little controlling, and with my mom I broke down, I told her everything, everything that was happening and how I felt and how bad everything had gotten and I just have up, she comforted me and is helping me and now I’m getting out.
I sent a very clear and short message to my hopefully ex girlfriend that I didn’t want to be in the relationship any more, and that I didn’t want any more contact, and after that she lost it and has sent over a hundred texts and fifty missed calls all saying the same bullshit, “im so sorry i won’t do anything about, i promise it’ll be better we’ll work it out I love you please don’t leave me” I’ve heard it all so many times and it’s all fake, she doesn’t mean it, she says it to get me to come crawling back so she can keep using me and this time I think I can finally leave, I haven’t answered her once and I don’t plan to. The only problem that I have is that we both work at the same place, and I’m writing this a couple hours before I have to go. I have a plan for what I’m going to do, it’s in public so if she goes crazy and attacks me there are people, if she tries to talk to me I’m just going to be calm and tel her I can’t be in the relationship any more.
I don’t feel sad, I don’t feel bad, I don’t miss her, I don’t feel anything at all, I just feel dead, and I need to get myself back together and this is my first step.
Sorry for my wall of text and formatting I’m on mobile if anyone actually read this, I just wanted to say this so I can read it myself and know I’m making the right decision.
|
self.offmychest
|
Booked a GP appointment today, I’m so scared about what will happen I’ve been miserable for so long that it has just seemed normal, like it was a part of my personality and thinking about going but the thought of going to a stranger and telling them everything, about the thoughts in my head that torture me, seems terrifying. I don’t know what’s going to happen and I have no faith in my country’s health service but anything has to be better than this
|
self.depression
|
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.