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No one cares. Recently,my depression has intensified and gotten more serious than before.
At this point,I am sure that if I just off myself now,no one except my close family members would care about me.I can already see that my friends would not even give a single shit about me dying.
Why should I even live at this point?Why not just jump off a building and end my life which I have completely fucked up?
When I talk to people,I just get fucking ignored most of the time.This feels so fucking bad and makes me just refuse to talk to people.But when I do that,they ask "ohh why are you so quiet?"
Like what the fuck is this shit?I speak and no one cares,I dont speak and people get suspicious?
When I told my "closest friend" about it,he seemed to care at first,but not anymore,I think he is annoyed at me.
If something drastic happens soon,I am sure I would just kill myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't know if this is a panic Attack I was on the phone to police and I couldn't speak, my throat, face were stiff and tears were coming down my face, my heart felt like i had a cardiac arrest. I have asthma and it felt also felt like an asthma attack, I couldn't breathe for about 10 minutes.
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self.Anxiety
|
One of the most frustrating things about depression is how much of an idiot you become the longer you're depressed I feel like my brain has just rotted into swiss cheese. I used to have an incredible memory and now I can't remember what I did this morning (although doing nothing every day helps in this regard). I can't remember teachers names from high school or college without putting serious effort into it and even then I can't remember all of them. Seeing something about derivatives (math) and realizing that I took and passed calc 1 in college with a B but I literally can't remember what derivatives actually mean much less how to solve them is depressing in itself. It's like whatever work I managed to do 5-10 years ago is meaningless. It also makes the thought of going back to school impossible.
I'd give anything to be average and to not constantly walk around forgetting what I'm doing or what I wanted to say.
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self.depression
|
I know what I need to do, but how do I do it? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Everytime I hear someone kill themselves because of depression, it depresses me more. It's like damn. That could be me. I'm like one extremely bad day away from saying fuck it. It's like I understand that person, 100% and know how they feel. It's a sensation I've felt, but ignored.
Does this happen to anyone else? Hearing about a suicide as a result of a depression and being completely broken up about it? Almost as if you wished you could hug them.
When Chester from Linkin Park took his life, that shit fucked me up *bad.* I grew up listening to this guy. And here he is with the same demons as me.
Fuck man. Just fuck.
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self.depression
|
I had yet another panic attack over an upcoming university interview. I feel like garbage. I woke up at 3 am with heart palpitations and stomach cramps. I tried to go back to sleep but I couldn't and ended up lying in bed for hours until the chills stopped.
I don't know what to do at this point. My interview is in 3 and a half weeks, and I just want it to be over with. I have been practicing like crazy, yet I still have a strong feeling that something will go wrong.
I just wish I didn't care. This bullshit isn't worth my wellbeing.
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self.Anxiety
|
Miserable itching from anxiety It seems every week i diagnose myself with a new disorder. I tell myself that its nothing or i try to convince myself that im just making it up but sometimes the compulsive thoughts are too much.
for the last 2-3 years i have been forced to take antihistamines to combat this very intense itching. Ive told the doctors and they kind of shrugged it off, i have had blood work done, been put on an ekg after going to the ER for heart palpitations and have been told everything is fine with me. And i really cant understand what this itching it. I itch in my sleep says my GF and it gets so bad that ill wake up in the middle of the night and go out to the car to get my claritin and take half a 24h dose and it seems to almost immediately fix it. Thats not how claritin works is it? its not instant. It seems to be mostly on my scalp but can go to my back and legs as well. I also think the claritin causes heart palpitations which doesnt help my anxiety whatsoever. If it was something serious the claritin wouldnt fix the issue would it? say if one of my organs were failing claritin wouldnt make the symptoms go away? and its also been for almost 3 years with the itching.
does anyone have experience with intense itching from anxiety? I have taken steps to try and help my anxiety and have spoken to a therapist / doctor and im trying everything but going on medication. It seems the itching may have even started after i stopped taking medication the small amount of time i took it.
rambling at this point, Can anyone relate to itching with anxiety? thanks.
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm being kicked out for being gay So, yeah. Posted here a while ago. Kind of an update, I guess. I was in a relationship with a guy, and my parents found out. They said they want me gone by the end of the month and never want to see me again, unless I repent and ask for Jehovah's forgiveness. Sooo, yeah. Dunno what I'm gonna do. Guess I'm gonna be couch surfing for a while. Great how Jehovah's Witnesses believe, and I'm quoting the bible here, "Love conquers all. Love never fails." and yet I'm losing my family and my entire life because I loved a guy.
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self.offmychest
|
I don't want to feel better I was upset earlier today so I told a close friend. He kept trying to reassure me but it felt so hollow. I feel like a complement you had to fish for is worse than an insult. I hate that I brought it up at all since I feel like a drama queen now. I just keep thinking about killing myself and don't know if I actually want to do it or figure out if it's possible to stop being depressed
|
self.depression
|
Psychiatrist Refusing to fill Meds I haven't gone to my doc in over six months because I have no insurance + financial issues and have been on the same meds with no change for over 3 years. I have a day left of lamictal before I'm out...I take 300 mg a day. They are putting me at risk of health issues and IDK what to due. I can't even get an appointment in soon based on his availability. I am freaking the fuck out..
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self.bipolar
|
I hate myself. I hate that i hate myself. I hate that i hate that i hate myself. I hate that i hate that i hate that i hate myself I hate myself, and I feel guilty because I don't think my life and current circumstances warrant me hating myself, which makes me hate myself more, which makes me feel more guilty, and it just keeps on going.
I just want to be able to fall asleep without going through a laundry list of things that I hate about myself, or things that are coming in the future that I'm scared of, or worries, anxieties, anything.
I just want to be a person who I can like. I just want to be able to look forward to my future without getting that horrible uneasiness in my gut. I want to believe that it will all be okay. I want to be okay.
|
self.depression
|
My friends made a joke out of my depression. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Overthink I want to stop overthinking, nothing good ever come from it. It just killing me slowly and make me want to kill myself. How can i stop overthinking
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Oops! Um, yeah, so shy little me sorta loudly asked the person who will hopefully promote me in a few months if the pile of bills (mostly ones) next to her lunch plate was from her "other job" and how the pay compared in front of about 10 other coworkers. Way to go verbal filter... not! :-)
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self.bipolar
|
Can't see happiness, nor sadness in my memories. Like there is lack of emotional content. Any ideas?
|
self.Anxiety
|
What's wrong with me? I've been going through a lot over the last two months. I've gone through anger, sadness and all sorts of things. My boyfriend of 8 years and I are not really working. Now I feel numb and like everything is a dream. What is wrong with me?
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self.depression
|
Silly problem compared to some, but it means so much to me. First world problems incoming.
I am a 30F veterinarian who has been out of school for about 5 years. I love my job so much- it's all I've ever wanted to do, and it's the one thing I've worked for and desired above all else. It's a huge part of how I define myself, and really the only thing I like about myself.
Unfortunately, I suck at it. I have made mistakes and hurt patients. One patient even died because of a reaction to a drug I prescribed. I'm clumsy and slow in surgery, and I'm generally not a good doctor. I feel an incredible amount of guilt for it- I love my patients, and want so much to help them. When the opposite happens repeatedly, it makes me want to die. The people I work with are amazing, and have saved my ass so many times, but I can't keep asking them to bail me out. If I were learning and growing, that would be one thing. But I'm not. I keep failing my patients, and letting down the owners who trusted me and put their beloved pets in my incompetent hands.
So it has to end somewhere. Honestly, I should have quit years ago- it was my own selfishness and hope that I would get better with time that has been keeping me going. I am supposed to be moving with my boyfriend to the west coast this summer, once he is done with grad school. I keep trying to imagine a life with him doing something else, and it just seems so... impossible.
Because I don't want to do anything else. I never have. Losing this huge part of myself and having nothing to replace it, makes all the good things in my life look small and meaningless. My boyfriend is supportive, and says he just wants me to be happy in whatever I do, but I feel so guilty about letting him down, and about having nothing to offer him in return when he gives so much to me.
I've tried to fix this. I've tried a few therapists. I've even tried antidepressants. None of these things help- because none of them solve the problem. Talking about being bad at my job doesn't make me suddenly better at it. Pills don't suddenly make me a better surgeon. Everything just keeps going around in circles. I guess, at some point, I have to choose to accept that my life will not be what I have always wanted it to be. But I just don't know how to be ok with that.
Right now, the most appealing solution to the problem is suicide. I have a gun, as well as of course access to drugs through my job. I don't love the option, and I think it would probably hurt my boyfriend. But I also think he would get over it. He's younger than me, attractive, will be going into a high-paying job... he will find someone else, who can be more of an equal to him. Beyond him, I mostly have acquaintances rather than friends.
I don't know what I'm hoping to find with this post. I just wish there was another option. I can't keep being a vet. But I also can't truly let that dream go, and without doing so I don't think I can be happy. If you're not happy... what's the point? What else is there, if you've tried therapy and you've tried medications, and you still think killing yourself is the best option? I know there are people all across the world who have it so much worse off than me, but even with that I just can't make myself see much value in the rest of my life.
---
**tl;dr: dragging down my boyfriend as I epically fail at my life's dream; best option looks like suicide.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I have an irrational fear of buying things for myself. I spent most of my life financially struggling. From having divorced parents to having a mother with a gambling addiction I find it hard to buy things for myself.
When I worked on Wall St. I waited until my shoes were literally falling apart to get a new pair AND I didn't even buy those.
The saddest part is, this wasn't so bad but due to a few life events I've had, I decided to start drinking. I just piss my money away on alcohol even though it makes me sad every time.
And it's stupid, because the whole reason I stress is because I don't want to lose money... but I end up losing it anyway.
I guess I have my mother's gambling addiction but in a different way.
I'm venting so sorry if I'm rambling here.
Anywho, I'm starting to realize this. I'm starting to slow down and save and force myself to purchase things that I need as it's better to have what I needed and be broke than to be broke and not have anything that I need.
I just came here to say this because I need to pay someone to do a job for me and I literally have been procrastinating even though I know that paying that person would make me more money.
It's like the fear of investment or something. Whatever I'm going to send him money now and get it over with haha.
I hope my ramble can help anyone who might deal with this sort of thing realize how stupid the thought process is and all you need to do is taking a second, breathe look at your situation as if it's someone else and then take action.
TLDR; I developed a fear of investing in stuff due to trauma, I'm regaining the ability to see how silly that is any hopefully posting my stupid thoughts can help someone here.
Have you ever experienced this before?
P.S. If I wasn't like this I would have invested in bitcoin when it was at $24. Fuck me right?
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self.Anxiety
|
Sometimes things do get better, and then they get worse again. Back in my depressive period again, and I realized that the people weren't necessarily wrong. I did feel alright for some time, but now I feel like shit again. So yep, cherish the times where you feel alright, there's always a chance you'll drop down here again.
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self.depression
|
Ugh so I can't even meet new people? I've been trying to find a friend(of the opposite sex) using every means conceivable, except going to a bar. I don't want to drink. Its like people would rather drive off a cliff than meet me. The ONE person who actually tried to meet me off CL has abandoned our dates twice, making me think she's a bot. I'm texting her on my way and her phone won't recieve texts anymore... And I waited there for her for 30 mins. It's so frustrating, all I want is human contact, it shouldn't be that hard unless I don't really want it
Tldr: feels like people would rather disappear then try and meet me.
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self.depression
|
Possibly anxiety or Extreme Nervous I really want to take a diagnosis on anxiety/depression, but my family never understood mental health. I suffer so much attacks, that all I wanna do is throw up when thinking about school or people I feel are better than me. Like literally, puke. I get very shaky, trembly in the voice, fidget, heart races like cross country, and headaches.
I have certain fearful moments, like being near the popular kids, the dreaded school presentations, and the next day of school, then thoughts of death solving it. It interferes with any happiness or hope I have, I can't live with it anymore. I want to reach out, but my fam is so conservative on mental health and diagnosis and stuff like that.
I'm not an edgy teen, I really need a release from everything. My fear is my friend, my thoughts are now part of my anotomy. I am one with insufferable pain.
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self.Anxiety
|
How to Commit Suicide (As A Big Person) Don't tell me not to, it doesn't matter anyways.
My parents hate me. My mom is always calling me a worthless, no good child who doesn't do anything I'm supposed to (When she's not on her drugs). When she's on drugs she's scary. My dad told me to kill myself multiple times and he says the same about me being worthless.
I'm depressed, overweight, have anxiety, insomnia, I'm hard of hearing (growing worse), have ADHD, and I'm pretty sure some other shit. I'm a cutter and have no friends.
I'm a 6'0 ft tall, 280 lbs, 13 years old female. I'm an outcast and everyone in school knows it, and I'm a "Bathroom sitter" meaning that's where I hang out at lunch and stuff. All my close friends either moved away, one committed suicide not to long ago, switched schools, or don't talk to me anymore.
All my life I've been the bad kid, even though I get all A's. I don't do the work and my teachers always begin sentences with...
"She's really, really bright... but-"
Kids always said something mean to me behind my back, when I confront them and say something mean back, they start crying and starting rumors about fake shit that didn't happen. Even really hates me, don't they?
My older brother has M.R. (Mental Retardation) and my little brother had autism. I can't take life anymore.
My mother even admitted to me out loud, my little brother's her favorite.
I'm really not wanted, as you can see, so please don't start giving me fake sympathy or pity. Stop it, that shit's old. I just need advise and to get this out here.
With my height and weight, hanging isn't a option. Nothing I can find is strong enough or tall enough to hold me. At one point I was thinking hanging myself from a street lamp, but I couldn't find a way up there to tie it in the first place.
Bleach (and other cleaning products, like Pine Sol) burns you from the inside and if you survive you're messed up for life. Pills, if you survive you have major organ damage and live in pain. Plus, I can't find the huge amount I'll need to kill me. I want to double it to make sure, and then I need to double it again; the bigger you are the more you take. So double the amount a normal girl would take, then doubled again to ensure death. Where would I get that many pills? Let alone hardcore sleeping pills.
Drowning is too much for me, plus, I live in a city, not a place with lakes and stuff. Can't do gas chemicals because I don't even know if it'll be painless and/or work and how it'll affect me if I survive.
I want to shoot myself but the guns in my house are old and haven't been used in so long, ever since my uncle committed suicide with the shotgun (ironic, huh?) and if I fire them it might just blow up in my hands, not even working. And I'll just live the rest of my life hand-less.
And finally, my only option I know of left, there's getting hit. By a bus. Or a train. I live RIGHT next to a metro train station AND a metro bus area. So, really, the options are there...
But before I do it, are there ANY less painful ways to do it? Please remember to account for my weight, height, and age. I obviously can't go buy liquor (To drink myself to death) or drive myself off of a cliff, I'm 13 years old. They'll tell by my voice in a liquor store how old I am.
I've done a lot of research and I'm not going to back down; So don't try to stop me. This shit with people going around being god and life consultants is getting really old and really tiring. So, if you wanna really do me a favor; help me find a painless and nice way to die ;D Thank you!
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self.depression
|
i tried to end my life i took a whole bottle of sleeping pills but the police and ambulance came over at 2 am and basically saved me.. im still planning on ways to try to kill myself again
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self.offmychest
|
i live outside of time and i will die there in its shadows. i do nothing, i pursue nothing, i am capable of nothing. im a vestigial organ of this world, broken, useless, obsolete. what is there for me in life? pain? lonelyness? failure? despair? im in a hole with only more holes down and no way up. my only hope is a spiders thread, but its futile to grab. i wouldnt give my hopes up grabbing at it because i will only fall deeper like a sick game. whats more, is im alone here. only my mind to keep me company, to keep me crazy to make me hate myself more. ive pursued happiness, ive tried my gamble on my dreams and i have lost everything. my loved one is the only one that keeps me here, with quills of a lonely porcupine they draw me into their embrace. it makes me dream of better times, and despair on its reality. moments of sadness and hatred echo, i cannot forgive and i cannot forget. what torments me more? them or me? i cannot take this life but i can only endure this cruel joke. when will i break? have i already been broken? i only know im a shell of myself not when ive changed. corrupt with malice im full of hate. i wont forgive anyone, did they really put me here though? or am i just finding things to blame for my own insufficiency? i hate my hate. this, desire to hurt is frustrating. i cannot hurt others, but i want to. i want to hurt myself, but i cannot. my walls tease me with temptation, mockingly barren of a hole and blood. i imagine my hands and arms bloodied and broken from hitting things. i once considered fighting as a sport, but im a coward even with my body built for war, for fighting. i ruin this body with neglect only thinking "what is the point?" only to further damn myself. it wouldnt do any good either, im incapable of doing anything well. like a jack of all trades except im worse in all trades. i cant even do simple math in my head, i cant talk to people well, im socially anxious, ridden with insecurities and self consciousness. what use is such a person? do i even have the right to be called such a thing? i paint myself innocent but find myself uncaring of anyone other then my lover. but im a demon with a porcelain mask, and a sexual deviant. its strange, i can accept other people deviant prefrences, but i cant even accept my own sexuality which even goes described as "tame" from other deviants. mabey im afraid what others think? in dont even allow others outside family to know about my homosexual side of things and even then, not all my family knows. im homophobic, afraid of sexual conatact with another person. mabey its the insults ive recieved my whole life, being called "gay" or a "faggot". it could of been my taumatic experiences that scar me today, making me question if it wasnt as bad as i tell myself. mabey it was that bad. the only real thing is the feeling of betrayal or the ignorance of the action. its late when im down, impossible to resist putting sleep off in my depressed state. i hate sleep. i love sleep. it takes my time awake, but it feels nice to slumber only made worse by my long out of control sleep cycles. alseep for 10 hours or more, awake for 14 hours or more feeling like im constantly living outside of time. i never know what day or time it is, its hard to keep track when the next day begins before i go back to sleep. when theres nothing to look forward to so i dont count the days to anything. the only things allowing me to keep track are the seasons. i even forget how old i am. why count something so useless? "congrats! youve lived xxx amount of years! just wait till you xxx when you grow old and die!". and thats if i somehow manage to get that far without something causing my untimely demise. id welcome it if it werent for the fact that every way i go would likely be painful if its health related, and much worse if it has to do with my living arrangement which surely wont last forever. whod want to take care of a autistic, sexual deviant, man-child? it only makes me a burden. either i end up never living with my SO and continue painfully living with my mother till she dies and then end up dying on the streets or something, or, i live with my SO causing them more stress then they deserve, more strain on them finacially while they take care of their own family on top of me. the might even kill themselves leaving me to bear the pain of losing them as well. i want them happy, but theres nothing i can do. i cant even make myself happy. though they said it in stress as i was trying to comfort them, i believe its completely true. "what fucking good are you then?!". it was worse to hear then my own father saying "im leaving because of you" before living in michigan with his girlfriend and her children while leaving me behind with my brother and sister. even with him gone, my brother replaces him while almost being just as emotionally abusive. my sister bathing in attention. at least shes not mean like she used to be, but shes never shown remorse for how she treated me. i might as well be a redheaded stepchild. now to sleep and hate myself for wasting valuable time with my SO because of my depression. and fuck thanksgiving, everyone laughingn in the living room as i remain in my room. nothing to make you feel more lonely then no one to keep you company and the only people who could are either asleep due to a different timezone or, they are spending time with people you hate or you really dont belong with them in the first place. being so different only makes spending time with people reflect how alone you are.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Body movement / breathing / facial expression anxiety? Hello everyone, this is something I've been straddling with for awhile although I have made some progress lately. Basically, I feel like that if I see something sexual and my breathing increases or if some person starts looking at me and I go silent then they think I am intimidated by them and making it awkward but I just simply forget what I was thinking because I'm processing them looking at me and am temporarily thrown off.
I also think that if I gulp too much or speak faster they can see my nervousness which only makes me more nervous. I also think that if I'm asking a lot of basic small questions about their life they can see that I'm nervousness and just trying to fill the air with talk because I can get nervousness if it's dead quiet. Or if I look away or react at a certain time when something on the TV comes people think I have some weird problem or anxious problem. These thoughts happen instantly and I have to fight them and tell myself that it doesn't matter buts it's so hard and debilitating.
I generally know how to talk to people and express myself but I feel like I am thinking and interpreting a mile a minute when it comes to unspoken body language and facial expressions and body movement. I'm just trying to figure out how to not make a big deal out of things or construe anything out of it.
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self.Anxiety
|
Cycling Faster after some life changes I'm not taking any meds for the bipolar diagnosis because I hate all the side effects and I can manage. However, I am on Ritalin again after years of being off of it. My concentration is back and I've actually quit drinking too which is awesome. But my cycles used to last weeks, now it's days and sometimes hours. The swings can be so fast that I don't realize I've swung, unlike when they were slow I knew the early signs. I'm thinking practicing mindfulness would be a great place to start to get on top of this. What are other fast cyclers doing?
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self.bipolar
|
Remembering sucks I was sexually assaulted at a job earlier this year and logically I know it's not my fault and such. I managed to block out the first four times he put his hands on me. Thankfully it was just the last time that was extreme. I told him to stop touching me every time then but it was my dream job so I never said anything to my boss. It's harder to convince myself that it wasn't my fault when I didn't do enough to get him to not touch me again the first time. And the second. And the third. And the fourth. I can't figure out how to tell anyone this, even my therapist. I'm just tired of feeling like this.
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self.offmychest
|
Hey people. I just wanted to share what's been going on since my last post. Through my sister I was able to get job in a warehouse at an electrical and lighting distributer. It grants me an opportunity after a few years to move on and out of my parents house. I only spend money at a bar I frequent after a hard day of work (I wake up at 4:30am to be there from 6:30am to 3:30pm) it's brutal at times and since I can't smoke weed anymore since they drug test. I've been drinking to substitute which worked for the first 3 weeks but now I just get more sad and feel like I'm not doing a good enough job. I'm have no experience so I'm starting from the ground up and since I started multiple contractors (our customers) have lashed out about hiring someone who doesn't have experience. My boss warned me, all my co-workers have warned me about this and told me not to worry about it. But it pulls at me each time It happens. It would be so easy to act on my depressing thoughts where I work now. My coworkers are supportive which is what's keeping me going. But I don't feel like I'm contributing my fair share and I feel useless when clients need help and I don't know how to help them.
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self.depression
|
Man fuck it Depression is something that is always around the corner from me. I do have good times and I do have happy times, it's just the lows are a fuckin abyss. I've done my trips to hell and back my whole life. If I do die by my own hand, I hope God can forgive me and let me into heaven, cause I am just an angel who wants to go home. I ain't here to push religion on anyone, these are just my thoughts I have to get out.
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self.depression
|
I think this already shows her true colours. Hey reddit. So my dad recently got married to this new chick who has two kids(ages 5 and 7), all good right. Her exhusband is dead so is my mom. But my dad was married before this second wife but he has two kids also with my ex step mom (ages 7 and 12). My dad travels alot and im an american but i school abroad so i went to america for holiday to be with my dad and when i came back he said that someone was coming to ghe house to stay with me. At first i thought it was just someone he hired to watch over me because if i havent mentioned i am 15. When the lady came id seen her before she'd acted nice and normal for the first couple of weeks but now it has been like 3 months and shes acting quiye strange. As ive mentioned before her exgusband died and im not talking long ago just recently in 2015. Now this woman is trying to give her children my dad's last name, like am i the only one who thinks this is wickedness. Thise two children are the only children to his name, both boys, and now she is trying to change their surname to my dad's last name. Even reasonably it doesnt make sense to do that and i think its pure wickedness. She also airs out all he dirty laundry to anybody and everybody. She even tells me about the fights her and my dad get into and about all her plans in the future as if im and idiot and trust in her more thank my own dad.
Please am i being extra or does it really show how she is if shes changing he children's surnames.
Honestly i think she has ulterior motives because she is not an american and ever since theyve been together shes been bothering my dad to take her to america. She has already gotten her passport, my dad paid for, now its just her children and my dad is around niw so im trying to talk to him to reason with her because the woman is slow.
Also another thing relating to this ißue is that my dad does not communicate with my other siblings from my ex stepmom and the new woman knows that. I dont think shes even taking into consideration how my brother and sister would feel if they found out that he "had other kids" which weren't even his biologically and he taking care of them.
Fine he can take care of them, im in my last year of hs so i dont really care, but dont give them your last name.
God knows if they have his last name and peole try to associate me with either the kids or the mom i WILL deny having any relationship with them.
AM I CRAZY OR IS ACTUALLY FUCKED UP HOW SHE JUST DISCARDED HER EX-HUSBAND'S NAME BECAUSE HE'S DEAD AND IS GIVING HER CHILDREN A NEW NAME.?
Oh and did i mentioned they just only got "married" like 5 months ago and they arent even legally married like wtf.
Am I the only one thats calling buklshit on this one?
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self.offmychest
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I'm sorry to bother, but I need help with anxiety and panic [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
quickest and most painless way? seriously, google won't help. it's like its own form of censorship
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self.SuicideWatch
|
why is it that people regret not helping but only after someone is gone? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Tomorrow’s the day I’m dropping out of college. I can’t sleep. I don’t want tomorrow to come. I feel like a failure. I wish I’d tried harder. I wish I could’ve stayed here with my friends. I wish I didn’t have to quit marching band. I want to cry, but my roommate’s right here.
There’s still hope, though. It’s not the end of the world. I can return after I find a way to get healthy again. I need a plan, though.
I need to get a job first. Anything to get rid of that slimy feeling of laziness. Then I need to find friends somehow. A college age man living with his parents will struggle with this, but there are options. Church groups. Work friends. I also need to start working out again. The gains will feel like achievement; restore my confidence, create a work ethic. If I can do these things, I will spend an hour a day learning about code and computers to make up for my mistakes this semester as a CS major.
If I can accomplish these goals, then I can return to college, and be sure I’ll succeed. It’s not over. The world isn’t ending. But right now, in this moment, it sure feels like it is. I have such a daunting task ahead of me. It’s scary to think about, but comforting to have a plan.
But for now, will someone tell me everything will be alright?
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self.offmychest
|
Sometimes i laugh at myself Because of how empty i am, despite socialising sometimes. Like in the middle of conversations.. I thought to myself 'lol i forgot im dead inside'
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self.depression
|
Woke up upset today, wrote a little something It was hard to sleep with the sound of your voice echoing in the back of my head as if it were some show tune that you would hear in the care while on a trip. The thought of you running wild in my mind like a fire on a hot day; loudly roaring as if I couldn't hear it, but no, it was louder than any siren. I may be a smoker, but seeing you made my heart race like Usain Bolt: Now it feels like nothing but a jolt of ache. I sit here and ask myself why do I do this to myself, and never get an answer, not even from God himself. I hope you see this and know I hold no animosity, just know my life is a catastrophe.
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self.depression
|
Gordon Freeman, Eli Vance, City 17. No one got it and now I feel old. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I've turned to gambling as a last resort and it's not really helping I know I am capable of working and making money but depression and anxiety are crushing me to my very bits except they can't touch my money, and I can't really use my money to invest in something since it's not really a big sum, so I decided to gamble. It was fun trying to win and losing occasionally but then I realized I had lost a big percentage of my initial money.
Now it feels like the only way out is more gambling, well, because there is still the slight chance that I might hit the jackpot or something. I'm already a worthless person myself so my only worth is my money, and if I lose it all I might as well not even exist.
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self.offmychest
|
why is this earth so fun to live in at my 22 years of living in this world i have seen both true happiness and overhelming sorrow. there is a burning question going through my head at the time im writing this. why should i move on? i can barely cry a single teardrop anymore and everything seems pointless. my fantasy ends where my real life begins. i see myself driving an 85 prelude and producing short films or whatnot, with some girl by my side, but thats only in my head. i think i am trying to achieve this image of myself, but something just calls for me to die and see whats behind. will i ever come back? will i ever find true love for myself and others, without being trapped in this sorrow? i just want to drive through the night forever. will someone ever find that attractive? who knows. maybe life is supposed to be both harmful and happy at the same time. why should i fulfill my dreams, when death seems so attractive at times. i am about to take my life because i miss this feeling so much. there is only one question left unanswered
do you believe in love? dreamy love that is
fuck anti depressants, all they do is numb you so you can't feel life as it is supposed to be
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self.SuicideWatch
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My life is so ridiculous right now I️ don’t know how to react. [deleted]
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self.depression
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suicide I've been hovering between lack of feeling and suicide for some time now. I moved from a 1st world country to a 3rd world country because my wife is from there and I wanted her to be comfortable, my skill as a 3D designer and cad specialist is not in demand so i design stuff when im able and I've had a call center job for a few months now. i cant say depressed is what im feeling, a complete emptiness is more on key. My wifes family is always having their own problems and I never get involved until my wife asks me to do something and I just get it done. Im really tired of being miserable like deeply miserable. we are planning to move to my country in the coming months but, even the smallest fights i have with my wife drag me so low down. Im tired of living here and not doing what satisfies me and makes me happy. Have a plan for a project gone through a load of investors and none panned out, my last option is next week saturday, if it pans out its cool.
im so tired of being so stupid and feeling inadequate.
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self.SuicideWatch
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fuck paxil i've been taking paxil for 3 months and i feel like the only thing it did to me was kill my sex drive and make me not care about shit at the beginning. My doctor told me to reduce my dosage of it and now I'm almost done with it, so today I decided I won't take it any fucking more (I was taking 12.5mg, reduced from 37.5 because my doctor wanted me to stop taking paxil).
I'll keep taking Lamictal, Lexapro and Seroquel but like Paxil, fuck off I hate you.
sorry if any of you have had good experiences with paxil, i haven't
just a rant
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self.depression
|
I feel like my SO and I are cursed. [deleted]
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self.depression
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thinking of taking medicine again, but not sure What's right for me This is my first time posting in here, so it might be long. I'm female, 23, currently in grad school, and have had anxiety pretty much my whole life. In 2016 at the end of my undergrad I started taking Lexapro. My anxiety was getting so bad I was having panic attacks weekly and had such trouble breathing that I thought I had asthma. The Lexapro was hard to start (I have anxiety about being allergic to food/medication and I was really dizzy and lethargic for the first few weeks), but once I got used to it, it was great. I had a lot more energy (I have had bouts of depression over the years as well, so I think it was helping that as well) and felt a lot less anxious, I still had the occasional panic attack but I felt loads better. Then, in July 2017, I switched my birth control from the Nexplanon insert to a Mirena IUD. The months after that my energy increased a lot and I was having hypomanic symptoms (increased sex drive, invasive thoughts, trouble sleeping, extreme anger, and like really really high energy). My doctors aren't sure if the hypomania was because of my birth control switch and still don't know why it happened a year after starting Lexapro. I stopped taking the Lexapro in September and have been going to therapy regularly since.
Lately, my anxiety has been getting a lot worse. I actually got Shingles in November because of how stressed out/anxious I was. Since December my anxiety about being allergic to food/medication has morphed into being worried about choking on my food and feeling like I can't swallow. I know troubling swallowing and throat tightness is a symptom of anxiety and it's just kinda become an endless cycle where I'm nervous about eating, my throat gets tight, and then I can't swallow the food. It seems to be the hardest at dinner. I had an eating disorder in high school so I'm worried about not eating enough and falling back into that.
I think it might be time to start taking medicine again but I'm not sure which one is right for me. The Lexapro worked well until the hypomanic symptoms, but I'm not sure I want to try it again. My stepdad takes Prozac for anxiety and says he likes it a lot. Any tips?
TLDR: I stopped taking Lexapro in August and want to try medicine again.
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self.Anxiety
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I’m dishonest about my feelings, and I’m so afraid of letting others down that I don’t do things for myself. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Positive>Negative Negative>Positive My cousin has this kind of thing which if there is positive signs of an event coming soon he tends to think the least posibility of negative thing about it will happen and opposidely if there is a sign of negative event going to happen he tends to think the outcome will be positive. Do any of you guys feel that way? Thank you :)
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self.Anxiety
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my general anxiety has been improved but i'm Having a health anxiety flare up. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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How do you make friends online? I can't make any in real life because of severe social anxiety, and the loneliness is pure fucking agony. I could talk to some people online, but it never goes beyond a few replies. How do you do it?
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self.Anxiety
|
I want to commit suicide but I'm worried I'm gong to survive. I was planning on hanging myself or jumping off a freeway bridge because I'm done with dealing with depression,anxiety, and uncontrollable anger. I hate living there's no point anymore. But I'm worried I'm going to make my life even worse by paralyzing myself or suffering from horrible brain damage. If I had a gun I would have put it to the roof of my mouth already and pulled the trigger. I don't care about my mourning family members or friends. When I'm dead they might as well not exist.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Learning my lesson... never buying a second hand Iphone [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Still Waiting Time won't make things better
I feel so alone
Can't help myself
And no one knows
Sum 41 Still waiting
I really like this song
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self.depression
|
Bizzare theories about bipolar disorder that you've come across in your lifetime? So at a recent family dinner, a relative shared their theories about BP that I found to be a little offensive, though I think they mean well. It got me wondering what nutjob theories you've come across.
Her theories were these:
Just like people with Down Syndrome seem to have some genetic protection against cancer, people with bipolar disorder might have some genetic advantage that we haven't discovered yet and so we should be revered in society. Whatever as of yet unfound genetic advantage we have justifies our suffering and we should be proud to carry on our genetic superiority because whatever it might be will be useful to society at some point in the future.
Also, that we have a gift rather than a curse and the only reason we suffer is that society fails to see how wonderful and close to god we are. If society would get it's collective shit together and hold us in high regard rather than fearing us and looking down on us we could fulfill our potential and we wouldn't have such a high suicide rate or suffer the way we do.
I may have mangled them but it's pretty close to what she said.
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self.bipolar
|
I'm stable again! After being stable 1.5 years, some meds from my pcp threw me into a depression then mixed state. I missed 3 weeks of work. But my pdoc fixed it, and I'm stable again bitches! No hypomania or depression in sight. Back at work and it feels so good!
Bipolar roller coaster: 0/10, would not recommend
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self.bipolar
|
I feel like life is a race and I'm perpetually last. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Being in a long distance relationship is driving me insane [NAW] [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I love adderall. I'm addicted to adderall and I know as soon as I get back on campus I'll try and buy more. I'm also maybe an alcoholic. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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My father gives me the greatest gift I could ever receive My birthday was not too long ago. I asked that for my gifts this year, I receive a well written birthday card. I will be moving away from my home town very soon and I would like to have something to look back on if I ever miss my family back at home.
My dad and I have had a rough past and we often didn't get along. Throughout my life, I have never heard him once tell me that he loved me. He's the type of dad who never shows his emotions. He never expressed any love for my siblings through words but I knew he showed them in other ways.
No matter the outcome of our fights, I still admired him for the sacrifices he made for my family.
Of all the cards I had gotten for my birthday, his touched me more than anything I have ever received from anyone.
The card read, "Tu papá te quiere mucho por estar conmigo siempre" which translates to, "Your dad loves you so much for being with me always".
I couldn't hold back tears. The sentence was so profound yet so simple. I couldn't have asked for a better gift.
Thank you, dad. I love you lots.
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self.offmychest
|
Panic attacks or anxiety attacks? I start shaking, feel like everyone is looking and talking about me, I start sweating, thinking about how much I hate myself, suicidal though, I get the urge to just hurt myself idk, it fucked. I get so fucking nervous and anxious I don't really know how to even describe it; any ideas what this could be?
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self.Anxiety
|
Trust Issues I guess I just need some advice on something, some girl I was with for a couple months for 3 years ago, broke up with her boyfriend 2 weeks ago, and we’ve been talking again. We had plans to hangout yesterday but “something” came up. We had plans to hangout today, and she sent me a picture of herself crying, and I asked what’s wrong and she said her parents. Does anyone have thoughts on this? Like do you think she’s blowing me off or do you think it’s just super unlucky. I just don’t know if I should continue to see her or is it a lost cause
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self.depression
|
Don't feel like I can do this I'm in the middle of a huge depressive/hypomania phase. It's bad. I literally told myself that if I texted a friend of mine and she didn't text me back I'd blown my brains out. (Never would have told her any of this). Anyway she texted me back and now I still want to blow my fucking brains out on payday. It's so bad that I really can't even engage with myself on any kind of introspective level at all without feeling panic attack and voices screaming in my head and feeling my brain is going to explode. I literally couldn't focus at work I thought I was going to fucking die. But I'm kind of used to this at this point. Sure I might want to kill myself now but I might feel better by Friday and anyway I figured I could call my best friend (something I've been planning to do for three days) and we could talk and I could work through this.
That didn't quite work out. First off when I told him about how I was dealing with panic attacks he essentially told me that from what I was telling him I want having panic attacks and I was just freaking out. First off I know that's not fucking true. I know when I'm having a fucking panic attack. I can fucking tell. Whenever I get bipolar I spend so much time trying to figure out if I am or if I'm not that that ALONE is a sign that I'm spinning out.
Anyway I started ranting and I guess I was getting a panic attack again and he yelled at me to calm down. Which I understand but then he told me that we talk about my problems 990% of the time and that he wants to talk about nice things. Then he told me that he has problems too and that he only talks about them from time to time.
That really hurt me. Like that really fucking hurt. It really wounds me that he would say that. 1) I want him to talk about his problems to me. If we spent hours talking about his problems I wouldn't care. But we don't and it makes me feel like he just doesn't want to confide in me. Or he doesn't trust me or something. I love talking about peoples problems I mean this sounds fucked up but it makes me feel better and like I can actually help someone for once. I know that's a selfish reason to want to listen to someone talk about their problems but I can't help it.
2) I thought I could talk to him. I know I am a handful but I can't do this alone. I need someone to talk to and I thought he was that person. I mean he told me that I could talk to him. Why would he say that if he doesn't mean it? Just fucking tell me that you don't want to deal with it because I really lean on this guy when I feel like this. As I type this I know I sound like a huge fucking asshole. I probably am. I know I'm wrong I know. But I don't want to be like this and I fucking hate it and I hate being trapped inside my head and feeling like I can't express myself. But if my closest friend in the world said that then how the fuck am I supposed to go on like this? I don't have health insurance. I don't have anyone to talk to.
Honestly at this point I really want to blow my fucking brains out and I don't give a fuck about how he feels about it. I want him to feel awful about that and I want him to remember that he told me that I talk about my problems too much. I know that's fucked up. I'm self aware enough to know that's a terrible thing to say. But right now I'm spinning out and I don't give a flying fuck at all.
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self.bipolar
|
I’m being a burden to my best friend Besides my therapist, the only person I really open up to in a serious way is my best friend. Only one out of my tons of friends. For everyone else, I only talk about depression in a comedic manner, making jokes about it and laughing. I do that because I feel I’m supposed to be the fun one in the group, and while I think I am (I always make them and myself laugh), if I get super serious they’ll either make fun of me, stop being my friend, or get super worried and tell someone. I don’t want any of those to happen.
Anyway, back to my best friend. Since she’s the one I’m serious with, I constantly talk to her about things that bother me, my true feelings, and how suicidal I am. I’m starting to feel like I’m being a nuisance, constantly talking to her about these dark things. She doesn’t need to hear all of that. She pities me, as do all of my other friends. I really don’t want to annoy her with how much I’ve been telling her.
Recently, she even said that she feels very depressed, and she’s been talking to me about it. She never mentioned me doing anything to make her feel like that, but I feel like I was a part in it. My texts probably affected her a lot. It hurts to think that, but I feel that’s the truth. Anyway, sorry about how long this was. I could go on and on about this, so I hope you understand.
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self.depression
|
Anticipatory anxiety is ruining my life I'm living in a cycle of anticipatory anxiety, and my day looks something like this:
— wake up TOO early, too scared to get back to sleep and unable to get out of bed and help myself because i'm too physically tired and it's just too early. This lack of sleep usually makes the entire day much more stressful. Most mornings, I'll have a panic attack upon waking, simply because I'm just scared of what the day will hold.
— after laying in bed for a good few hours and getting ready to face the day, I am nauseous. Whether this is from the lack of sleep, anxiety or my emetophobia, I don't know, but eating is a battle, (especially in the evenings too, which I'll mention later), and eating at the start and the end of the day leaves me extremely anxious. The more I think during meals, and the more I anticipate or focus on my nausea, it heightens everything. I usually have to take a bathroom break at some point during eating to calm myself and try not to make myself sick, completely out of fear.
— if I leave the house, it will be a battle. The simplest things are built up so much that I have managed to convince myself that I will have a panic attack over them and it's very hard to break this. I fear that I am being agoraphobic.
— if I don't leave the house, my anxiety and lack of sleep leaves me unable to focus and I am hit heavily by procrastination. I am stuck in my thoughts and stress causes me to shut down and sometimes disassociate.
— the evenings spike everything again. I am constantly living in fear of what the next day will bring. My panic spikes and my anxiety becomes very hard to control. Eating is even harder to do as my anxiety is the worst in the evenings. I can barely function.
— sleeping is hard, and I spiral into panic, but I eventually fall asleep.
The irony is, I am so caught up in taking it day by day and still petrified of the future, which contributes to this. I don't know if it's the fear of the unknown, my emetophobia or just my GAD doing this. I feel trapped and every single day just seems to be getting worse. I can't even properly get things done, as my panic forces me to procrastinate. I honestly fear that I'm losing control and that my anxiety has taken over, and I have no idea what can help me with this.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Uncomfortable with my body ? I have been feeling this way for a while but it's not just like feeling self-conscious or ashamed of my body, it's different. I want to know if other people have felt this way too.
Let me give an example:
Today I woke up and I was in the kitchen eating breakfast when suddenly I felt this wave of shame on me. I felt like I should hide my body because it's innapropriate or something. So now, I'm typing this under the blankets of my bed because I don't want anyone to see me. Any ideas as to what this could be ? Or where I could go to find out more about it? Thanks !!!
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self.Anxiety
|
I have nothing to live for. My life is so bleak.
I don’t have any genuine friends, I feel like a stranger in my own family and I’ve scared off the only person I truly cared about. I have no future or goals to look forward to. My life is falling apart and I’m just letting it happen because I’m so, so exhausted.
I just don’t know if I want to be alive anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
MoodFit App I have downloaded MoodFit, the app, and it's a wonderful & easy to use for an app & free if you need a thought journal or emotional process journal. I have seriously enjoyed using it and maybe it can keep others on track. I highly enjoy the daily journals in my messages so I learn new stuff daily too. I found out about it through a Bipolar support group on Facebook. I think others may enjoy it as well.
|
self.bipolar
|
My Checkup Was A Success (Long Post) **The background story:** Since I was diagnosed over 10 years ago, I've needed continuous/ongoing treatment and consultation. Changing dosages, trying new medication, talking through the most current triggers, how to recognize, avoid, cope, and foster healthy decisions. Gone through 4 doctors... when I was able to get an appointment and afford the treatment. I've gone some years withdrawing, some entirely unmedicated, new medication, lower dose/higher dose, self medicating at times. Having bipolar is truly debilitating and scary. Emotional (Mood) symptom wise, last year was not as intense as I've experienced before. But last year was indeed the shittiest fucking year I have lived through in my entire life thus far. I won't list everything that was shitty. You guys know last year was horrible. My Mom almost dying before her liver transplant probably topped my list though. And my bipolar mania has decided to manifest entirely through my secondary symptoms of OCD. Chronic anxiety has taken over my usual depression and has crash landed directly on one main symptom. [Self Excoriation/dermatillomania/compulsive skin picking.](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Excoriation_disorder) No exaggeration, I look like the picture in that Wikipedia link, just add breasts and some curves. I'm not looking for advice or guidance. I've been receiving the professional version steadily over a year and a half now. I just know that CSP is not common in this sub, is often not associated with bipolar, and is still considered co morbid along with symptoms of OCD.
**The point of my post.:** I saw my psychiatrist today. And he agreed that I have had very significant improvements since I last saw him. My episodes have been less frequent, less intense, and my depression has also eased up. My mania still keeps me awake throughout the week (I get 3-4 hrs sleep at a time around 4-7am.) and I literally sleep all weekend. But my job hasn't been suffering, I've made three trips from the west coast to Texas for some extremely intense circumstances, I've lost 30lbs, and reduced my "skin picking" from my legs and lower arms to just my upper arms, back, and face although my face has had dramatic improvements as well.
**My checkup Achievement:** For the first time since I can remember, my doctor isn't changing my medication and has said that I don't need to schedule a follow up appointment at this time. I will continue to have a steady supply of my personal med cocktail without worrying about running out. I'm under no obligation to pay for, schedule, drive to, or stress about coordinating my life around another psych appointment until I feel it's necessary.
**TLDR: Some years/some decades are worse than others. If you can't remember the last time you caught a break, don't give up. We all deserve peace and stability. Today was my day.**
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self.bipolar
|
My plan I got my bf to hate me so it would hurt less when I kill myself. We are breaking up right now and it hurts so much. I am feel his emotions though not mine. I am numb but calm which is different. Im usally so afaird but today I woke up and I knew it was almost over and I feel calm. I know my family is going to miss me so much and I know I'm hurting so many people by deciding this. I just don't want to exist anymore. I wish there was a way I could do what will smith did in 7 pounds so my death would bring others life but I don't know how to do that. If I write a letter saying take my organs will the listen? I still have 4 more weeks of existance before I can pay off my debts and peace out. I want to be cremated and buried with a willow tree over looking a lake or big park. I have always wanted to go to Gatineau park so maybe that is where I will request to rest.
I know I may set off a chain reaction of suicides in my family. But I can't cope with living I'm dead already.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Atypical mole stress I had a yearly preventive examination at a dermatologist who noticed a small 1,5mm-2mm mole that is slightly atypical. She said it is OK to have a control visit in half a year and to observe if it changes (as I said her I did not know when that mole appeared).
I decided to have the mole removed (which will be done in a week) but am in a constant fear of it being melanoma. After the removal, it will be examined in a laboratory. This means weeks of terror for me.
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self.Anxiety
|
I used to think I was alone because I'm ugly then I realized my personality is shit too. It'd be nice to have something redeeming about me.
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self.depression
|
I feel as though my life has hit a dead end [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
In love with my co-worker Never thought this would happen.
I got married last year to a girl who I'd been dating for a decade. I think the spark has worn off now - we barely have sex (once a fortnight) and don't really 'connect' anymore. But we love and care for each other a lot.
My simple life got a little weird this year. I'm in love with a girl I met in office. She's my soulmate - I have never met anyone who understands me at such a fundamental level. I don't know whether she likes me that way - I don't even care. We have both given each other hints of our feelings but nothing more. Not gonna do anything about this..to be honest, I don't know even know what to do.
She's going to leave the country in another 6 months and I have no idea how I'm going to take it. For now I'm going to enjoy feeling.. alive.
Thanks for reading.
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self.offmychest
|
Am 15 and I want nothing more than for life to stop [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Lithium day 3, placebo? Day 3 of Lithium. I’m at 300mg twice daily. Feeling very good. I don’t feel like I have little “mood threads” hanging off me that can get snagged on stuff and unravel my mind.
Could I be feeling it this soon? I also discontinued Lexapro yesterday, I could also be feeling good now that I’m off the Lex, I suppose.
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self.bipolar
|
When to seek diagnoses? Im pretty sure i've had two hypomanic episodes in the past two months, and now i'm in a pretty deep depression. I'm currently away at college and my school's mental health clinic is super backed up, so for me to see a psyhologist i'll either have to be put on a super long waiting list or just find one out in town, which sounds stressful and impossible when i havn't even left my bed for the past two days.
How can I be sure that what I experienced was actually hypomania and not just happiness or whatever? When did you guys get diagnosed?
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self.bipolar
|
What the rules Excuse the title, I was just seeing what I can put as usually it takes 4 or 5 attempts to get an actual post posted! So anyway, my life’s went from bad to worse! I still have nowhere to live so when I go to see my son I sleep in my car, I’m still under investigation for codeine theft even though I have confessed to the addiction! I have stopped taking the codeine but yesterday I was called down to the office. Expecting to receive court dates or something instead I was placed under arrest because they found a pornographic image on my phone! I’m not sure what they found but I can guarantee it’s not something I have sourced! I have been nothing but cooperative throughout all this but this is the straw that’s broke the camels back! I’m 100s of mikes from my friends and family, I suffer anxiety, depression, my knees are in agony but I can’t go and get them seen to as they will think I’m just trying to get painkillers! I can’t go to the dining area as when the police arrested me the took me to the dining area in front of everyone! I can’t see how I can go on like this, the only thing keeping me going is my son but I know feel that all I will cause him in life as his dads a downbeat drug addict who will soon have no house and no job, no money, no prospects, no life, no real point going on to be honest!
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Is my combination of meds critical? I took like 150mg of Opipramol, 15mg of mirtazapine, 3mg of lorazepam and about 4mgs of Xanax and also 300mg of Venlafaxin. All in the matter of 2h. All I want is to sleep but is it possible that I will die with this kind of medication taken all at once?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I can't please myself or anyone else and it's killing me. I am killing myself. No, I don’t mean I’m going to kill myself. I mean I am the source of my own pain and displeasure with the world and I can’t force myself to induce any change.
I’m miserable. I know I sound really fucking emo and “woe is me” but I don’t care, because it’s the internet and I can be as vexatious as I want here.
I feel like I’ve lost myself. I don’t know if I ever had myself figured out but I have never felt more empty and confused. I am seventeen. Even last year, things were okay. I’ve always struggled with depressive thoughts and social anxiety (literally spewed suicidal phrases at the age of 5 and was virtually mute in my kindergarten class), but man, this year has sucked. I guess the days of actually feeling like offing myself are gone. Or maybe I’ve just given them less weight, because I know I’m never gonna do it? The thoughts are still there, but they come and go. Right now, today, it’s ran through my head a few times. What never wanes is my feeling of inept and unbelonging.
I can’t connect with people in the way I want to. I have “friends”, people that I talk to in some classes and hang out after school with, but what I want in a relationship is not there. I am in some way jealous of everyone because they have personalities and an ability of expression that I do not. It comes so easy to them. I’m always there for my friends, and supposedly great at giving advice and emotional support but I cannot give the same to myself or ask the same from someone else. Maybe it’s an ego thing. Or I don’t want people to realize how depressive and pathetic I am. I really don’t know. I had someone that made me feel less alone for a while, but she has completely ghosted me and I haven’t heard from her in months. I think I loved her or something, not romantically, but in a friendship way I’ve only felt one other time. I’m used to people not feeling the same way, though, and being left behind. I wouldn’t find myself worth keeping either. And I don’t tell anyone these negative thoughts, so I know that’s not the reason why. I want to be able to express myself. As I sit in class and watch everyone interact I am burning inside because I want to participate and be noticed and become a fucking person, but I can’t. I’ve been told so many times that people didn’t even know I existed, or could never remember my name. I’m certainly an introvert, but one with such a ridiculously aching need to be validated. Why can’t I do something as simple as ask a question in class? I want my teachers to know me and care about me. I want to share what I know with the world. I want people to like me. I want to be important. I want to be noticed. I want to be talented. I want to be smart. I want to be loved.
The contradiction in all of this is that I am afraid of attention and I’m a hell of a boringly average person. I am not what I want to be. This desperate need to connect is hindered by my dissatisfaction with who I am. I care too much about what others (and myself, I suppose) will think. Which I don’t think is a bad thing in itself. If I had good things to say, I wouldn’t feel as such. I don’t struggle as much anymore with keeping conversations going. I’m so afraid of being wrong in an academic environment like school that I completely shut off. I’m comparing myself to everyone else constantly. I feel so ugly and most of that is dependent on the fact that I’ve never received any romantic validation (never been asked out, called pretty by a guy, etc.). I’m just a walking embodiment of insecurity and fucking boredom.
I want to be smart and I continually disappoint myself. My ACT score is shit, while my friends are making 30’s. I want to get better at playing guitar and singing, but I’m so unhappy with every attempt I make that I prevent myself from practicing as much as I should. I always wanted to be good at art, but I can’t draw for shit. I’m not ugly, but I’m not pretty either. I have so many physical insecurities it’s ridiculous. I know that work ethic is a factor in all of these things, but I have no motivation and I can’t shake the feeling that if I were truly meant to do something, I would be naturally inclined. I look at everyone around me, and everyone is so distinct and I am so alone in my nothingness. I guess that’s what makes me unique, the fact that I am nothing. I have no fucking clue what I want from my future, and that security that I once held in knowing that I had years ahead of me to figure that out and become the seventeen year old I wish I was now is gone. I’m not what I would have ever hoped to be. I wish I could live entirely in my head. Like transform reality into whatever I want it to be. I don’t know what I want from this post. I guess just to be heard. To get this off my chest. I can’t tell anyone around me this, and the evidence of that is probably in if you read this far, you probably hate me. I sound like a masochistic whiner. I am a whiner I guess, but usually just in my head.
I usually feel a lot better when I get home. Equally empty, but more understood by my bedroom, and more comfortable expressing myself within its walls. Though sometimes I feel like there’s nothing there, within me, to express. Like I’m a shell of a person. It’s really school or any environment where my very fragile intellectual ego is at stake I feel most lost.
I used to have such a clear idea of what I wanted from my life. But that’s now gone. I have no fucking clue what I want, but I want change, and I don’t know how to do it. I don’t know what I want from you. No fucking clue. As I get older I’m just feeling like it’d be easier to end this all now before it really takes off when I’m expected to become an adult and I realize how lost and regretful I really am.
I am the root of all of my problems and it’s just another reason to hate myself. I don’t hate myself all of the time, but whenever these thoughts resurface it feels just like the truth is uncoiling under days of repression.
I have bore my soul, for no real reason or hope other than to be heard and if possible, fixed. Because I sure as hell am not giving myself the best advice.
If you read this, thank you for making an attempt at understanding me, because after doing so you probably know me better than anyone in my life and there is something in that which makes me feel the least bit validated.
|
self.depression
|
(Long story) So I told my cousin about my depression... I live with my two cousins (sisters A & B). One cousin I'm cool with, A. I used to live with her and just moved out due to me needing a closer house to my job so now I live with B. I've been struggling with depression most of my life but I hadn't really accepted it. To me I was raised that being depressed or bipolar or whatever is just an excuse and that I should just be normal. I have a habit of just eating everything so B confronts me about it when we go to Wal-Mart. Makes a huge lecture in the car about how "I'm eating everything and what is wrong with me". She's not lying so I just start thinking, *is this really how my life is going?* On the drive home, I was quiet and A took notice but dismissed it. This was two days ago.
Earlier at A's house, A and I were in the kitchen and I started talking about how I felt. B was at work. Then the conversation went to me talking about what made me sad. How I feel like I suck the joy out of others. And how I saw a video about how one guy wanted to end it, so he's basically just eating himself to death. I told her that I feel like maybe I'm doing that too.... Eating to fill a void.... I told her how I miss my family (I moved out of my dads house and he's on the other side of the country so I can't just go down the street) and how I just am generally sad, dropping out of college, etc. How eating makes me forget how I feel and I feel at peace. How I'm too scared to actually do anything so I feel like I might just be letting nature take its course.
Her face scared me. I never have told anyone about how I felt, except for y'all. (I post sometimes.) Her face just looked like I had told her I murdered puppies or something. Part of me hated that I told her, that I was weak. But another part, and the reason I post this, feels free. I feel good that someone knows. I don't feel alone.
She's gonna help me lose weight and focus on music to try to find something meaningful in life. I feel good. I accept that I do suffer from depression. I was diagnosed before but as I said I didn't take it seriously.
If you are reading this, I hope you find help and someone to trust. You aren't alone. There are more of us than you know.
|
self.depression
|
Magnesium supplements I've been reading about magnesium deficiency as a common cause of anxiety.
I'm going to try a supplemement and see if it works for me.
Does anyone have (good) experiences with it?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Games/Movies about depression What games and movies deal with depression? Surely there are some indie horror games out there that do. (And I don't mean that terrible DepressionQuest, it should be called hoesite, because it was made by a hoe and it is essentially a wiki page.)
|
self.depression
|
Coming to terms So I've known for 5 years that I probably had bipolar, and about a month and a half ago I was officially diagnosed and put on meds. I've been so busy working two jobs that I haven't had a ton of time to process anything, and was talking with a coworker who mentioned that I seemed more like an asshole the last month. I've been thinking about it, and he's right. It's only been within the time that I started taking my meds that I have been more of an asshole. The meds have been working fantastically for keeping my overall mood in better check, but I guess I feel less empathetic now. Is that a thing? Or is the medicated, stable me just an asshole? Also, haven't cried since starting the meds until tonight. Any words of comfort? I guess I'm looking for anyone who has had a similar experience coming to terms with the medicated self opposed to the unmedicated self.
|
self.bipolar
|
Depression or laziness? Hi. I'm concerned about myself.
I'm bipolar but I've been very stable for the last year with no episodes. I'm in a relationship that has been very stable until the last few weeks, I'm not having issues showing up for my student teaching on time every day, and I'm full time in a graduate program where I have been successful until now (I even made it on the deans list the last 3 quarters! Go me!).
In the last few months (this quarter) my father has been absent from my life and in the past we've been very close. He's a narcissist and has always made me feel like shit, and things got worse when him and his narcissist wife adopted a baby (he's almost 60). He cut me out of his life completely about 3 weeks ago and then told everyone that I gave him an ultimatum to choose between me and his wife and left him no option (I didn't give him any sort of ultimatum and have even had my therapist and boyfriend look through messages and emails to make sure I didn't do this). It has been a stressful situation for me and I've spent a lot of time mourning the loss of my father in my life.
My sister's health has deteriorated significantly and she has been in and out of the hospital, including a month long stay in September. After receiving a pretty bad prognosis she has had some mental health issues as well. My family (including me and my boyfriend) have alternated care for her, including taking her to doctors appointments several times a week. My boyfriend and I have started to support her financially, and I'm having to accept that my sister is dying.
My boyfriend and I have been a little rocky lately after he was getting too close with a female friend. We've been going to counseling and fighting a lot and have been toying with the idea of me moving out.
So I have these three big sources of stress on top of student teaching and full time graduate school.
The thing is, I haven't been in a depressive episode or anything. I wake up easily, sleep easily, go to college, student teach every day, go grocery shopping, shower... I'm a fully functioning human being.
I am incredibly stressed out, but I'm oddly calm about it. When I think about everything I'm so anxious that I'm sick to my stomach. I'm constantly paranoid about how I interact with people and the things that I say, especially when talking to people who know and talk to my dad. I'll say something about my life to my cooperating teacher or anyone who knows my dad and think about it for days.
I've kept my anxiety and stress to myself. I come off as totally calm and having my shit together. My family and friends think I'm ok. I haven't talked about my stress level with anyone except for my therapist, and he moved away 2 weeks ago so I haven't talked to anyone since then, including my boyfriend who I live with. When I'm at school teaching or talking to my family and stuff I can ignore the stress and anxiety (except for some social anxiety) so in those moments I feel and look fine.
There's one area where I'm not functioning properly... I cannot do my homework. I just cant. I stall and I procrastinate and then when I start to do it I just can't. I go to college on Saturdays and I was realizing how behind I am and started crying in front of my cohort yesterday. I just can't do it.
Is my not being able to do my homework related to my stress? or am I just lazy? I got an extension on my classwork because of my sister, but my other sister and mom told me that I'm just choosing to avoid my homework because they've seen me at my worst and this isn't it. Is that true? Can avoidance be a symptom of stress even if I'm not showing other symptoms of depression? Or do I just need to get my shit together and keep up?
I feel super overwhelmed by everything but I don't understand how I'm functioning in every other area of life and just not homework. Maybe I just have senioritis? Other people are struggling with motivation in my program also, but still finishing assignments in time. I'm worried that I'm actually just lazy and being dramatic.
tl;dr I'm under a lot of stress because of my family drama, a rocky relationship, and my sister's health problems, on top of full time teaching and graduate school. I haven't been able to buckle down and do homework regardless of fully functioning in every area of my life. Am I just lazy and unmotivated? Or just stressed and showing it in a weird way?
|
self.depression
|
Not even afraid of dying anymore I can't even empathize with peoples' fear of dying anymore. I just genuinely don't really fear dying, and I'm not trying to say that in a cool or badass way. It's fucked up because isn't our main evolutionary trait the fact that we do whatever we can to avoid death? Like when you're drowning, it's your body's natural instinct to desperately try to find air. But I would be so glad to die in an accident because that would be so much less complicated than killing myself. Death doesn't seem like a bad consequence anymore.
 
I don't even feel like I'm meant to live life. Like I wasn't designed to live in this world. I'm not cut out for all this shit.
|
self.depression
|
Awe now I miss hypomania I have a moment of missing my super powers. I was telling my boyfriend and roommate how I have gotten bars to put on cartoons to watch while I drink with friends. My roommate asked if I could get a bar to play My Little Pony. I deemed it a worthy challenge. My boyfriend said it has to be a bar I don't know the bartender. And I felt a little deflated. If I was in hypomania, I could charm anyone to play anything on their bar TV.
Then again, I am stable with a M-F 9-6 job and life is great.
But I wish I could turn on my superpowers sometimes. Like, at will. And then turn them off when I'm done.
|
self.bipolar
|
Tried to kill myself, didn't work, told loved one, they ignored me and left the house So I tried again and broke a second belt. I'm too fat and too worthless to even kill myself right. I'm a stupid piece of shit and everyone who has ever loved me was wrong.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I wish life hand an undo button! I hate the feeling I have right now! feel like everything is going wrong in my life and I can't stop it!
|
self.depression
|
Nothing's improving I don't wanna die. Never attempted suicide. But depression has made me worse than being dead. The joyful me is gone. I became a boring person. My friends became much less. My relationships can't even go on a week. I'm devastated. I dislike my family, they share me the feeling. My friends started avoiding me. My girl wouldn't say hi for weeks and I'm not surprised. I know how I look to them. Pathetic. Nothing entertains me but drugs. That's how low life I became. Top of all that, I live in Saudi Arabia. Jobless. Miserable. Pathetic. Still living with my parents while I'm 24 yo. I wasn't like this. I was social. I was energetic. I don't know what caused this. Is it my failures at school? Is it my sensitivity? Is it as simple as being broke and helpless until I find another job? I don't know. I don't care anymore. I sit alone sometimes and just tear down. This masculine dude who you see smilin' on the street and you think he's 'cool' is actually depressed. I never share my downside. This is has to be a first. And thank God it's anonymous, that's how sensitive I am.
|
self.depression
|
I hate having abandonment issues. I'm lying in bed and I am so fucking terrified. To keep things short, I've finally found someone I love and who also loves me back. She brings me both pure happiness and immense fear.
I'm just terribly scared that this person will leave me, just like everyone else in my life. I keep doubting myself, stopping myself from saying things in fear of saying something wrong. When she's not around I just can't shake off the feeling that she won't come back, even though she always does.
I fucking hate it. I hate being in so much discomfort because of some dumb ideas I have in my head. I hate crying because I can't handle being alone, even for a bit.
I really love her.
I've lost everyone. I can't lose her as well.
And if this'll continue I most certainly will. I don't know how I'll survive that.
Please help me.
|
self.Anxiety
|
What do you guys do for intense anxiety related nausea? i get it around a bunch of people or when i have to meet someone new and it’s something I’d like to stop because it’s really the only symptom i get. It makes things awkward when i look like I’m about to vomit or doing a breathing exercise.
|
self.Anxiety
|
sometimes i wish i can kill or revenge people who hurted me and my family... i dont want that of couse, the thought of someone death being in my hand makes me sick... and i know that if i do that, ill be no more then the people ive killed, ill be the same as them.... i just wish they couldve had the taste of their own medicide, getting their dad be killed, beating up their mom, get raped.... i just wish that all the people who did that, would suffer the same... kinda like karma... oh well, you know the world, it is and will allways be unfair with the good people.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
(The world is a beautiful place. I want people to remember this before reading the negative energy I’m about to express, so they are not burdened with it too) What scares me more than anything is when my alcoholic mother suggests she will succumb to the same fate as her mother who killed herself.
|
self.offmychest
|
I just had a meltdown in my math class and made everyone extremely uncomfortable [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Does it really get better I've been depressed longer than I can remember now but it's been so much worse the past few months...
I never thought about suicide. I used to have the thinking of I just wish I was never born, or could dissappear and have everyone's memory erased. I know my family love me I do but somehow it doesnt matter.
I know killing myself will hurt my family but now I'm starting to think it might be worth it.. they'll suffer, be sad, it will hurt for a month really bad, but then they'll get better - go on to leave a better life without me around. Really it would be a favour, a few months of grief for a better life overall..
I don't know what to do anymore I'm so sick I can't remember the last time I was truly happy
It's so dumb my problems aren't worse than others - I hate my job in overweight blah blah blah.. so what? Lots.of people hate their job, lots of people struggle with the same struggles I do
Yet why do the same struggles make me want to not exist.. to kill myself?? Because I am weak? I mean I don't even know
I haven't even tried medication using drugs yet so maybe I should just go down that route first... make sure I suffer some more before I leave?
Or maybe I shouldn't leave and live with suffer for the rest of my.life because that's what I deserve?
I'm so confused. I hate my life I hate other people because I'm jealous I hate that the one person I've told about my depression is so good about it when I've told them to leave so many times... to the point where I'm considering just blocking her on Facebook because I don't deserve that..
I just want to close my eyes and cry and not wake up tomorrow
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Im feeling sad again I started to think a lot about my grandma earlier and how I'll never get to see her again, how i'll never get to hear her talk to me about how much she loves me, and how much i'll never get to hear her say, you're my number one. It makes me sad to see her gone and how i'll never get to hear those words, see her face, or even text her again. She died in september and I still am sad as fuck about it. Thanks for reading rant and gn.
|
self.depression
|
DAE feel like they screw up every social interaction they try? I'm so awkward, and I fucking hate it. I hate being terrified of every social interaction because there is always something to go wrong and somehow I *always* end up misunderstanding something and make a fool of myself.
Like today I accidentally left a job interview before I was supposed to because I didn't realize that "see you on Wednesday, remember to check your email, have a nice day" *didn't* mean "we're done here". Its like social rules change everyday and I'm the only one out of the loop. I've gotten better at outwardly laughing it off but it's so fucking embarrassing to never know the right thing to do when it seems to come so naturally to everybody else.
It seriously makes me want to hide in my house and never attempt to contact other humans again.
|
self.Anxiety
|
No way out Why are people always trying to convince me to stay
Nothing ever changes when they do
No one will take me seriously or change anything unless I kill myself
Why cant I be selfish for once, arent people selfish when they are hurting and emotionally abusing you? And then they have the audacity to say that suicide is selfish.
No one will ever know the amount of pain it takes. Please let me go. I want to go, and I need to go. I want to leave this fucked up place
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Finally loving being single! Just wanted to tell the rest of you...I've never been alone, I've always been living with a man from the moment I moved out of my mom's house. A couple of months ago I split with my ex and I am in my own apartment now. At first I was lonely anytime I had down time, I realized tonight that I haven't felt lonely in almost a month! I was so scared I'd never get passed the debilitating loneliness, but it's gone. Turns out I'm pretty neat on my own :)
|
self.offmychest
|
Want to kill myself but.. I just can't stop thinking about the immeasurable grief my mom and family would face when they find out that I'm gone. But on the other hand, I really don't want to live anymore. Most days are a struggle to get through, along with depression and loneliness. And I don't see anything ever getting better in the future. I don't want to exist, please.. :( Why does this have to be so hard for me?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I asked my “friend” today if I could stash my photo albums with her if I was to join the military. Her response.. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Almost every social interaction is a trigger now. I hate not having control. I make every minute harder than it needs to be, but I feel stuck in my own mind and its chained thoughts. I have lost control of the switch. Sometimes I wanna die and other times I never felt so alive
|
self.bipolar
|
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