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Need advice - trying to break the long-term cycle of quitting jobs due to social anxiety **THE PROBLEM**
I'm now in my early thirties and have spent approximately half of my time since leaving university unemployed. I've never been fired, but I've never been able to hold down a job for longer than a year before leaving, often with no other work in place. Despite going through the same cycle a number of times, it's only recently that I've been able to identify the problem and understand the causes of it. I suffer from low self-esteem and social anxiety, which makes working in an office environment very challenging.
I'm a designer; so the option exists to work freelance and occasionally from home, but I actually want to work in an office and feel like I'm part of the world.
Once I land a job I find it difficult to settle into the office socially - it's only a matter of time before someone points out that I'm very quiet, or suggests that I should try and be more involved. This leads to me feeling very conscientious about my place in the office and if anything makes it harder to interact with others from then on. I'm ok interacting when others initiate a chat, but find it difficult to come up with small-talk topics of conversation, and can go a couple of hours with my head down not saying anything.
**HOW I CURRENTLY COPE**
I basically ride out the stress and discomfort for as long as possible before finding an excuse to quit. After a few months of slowly feeling like I contribute less and less to the atmosphere in the office, and that this is only becoming more and more apparent to my colleagues, I feel like the only control over the situation I have is to remove myself from that environment. It's an avoidance technique that saves me from confronting the more challenging prospect of changing myself. The short-term relief is amazing, but the long-term impact is that I become less employable and end up feeling worse about myself and more concerned about my future.
I also flirt with the idea of changing careers, but the older I get the more I believe the same problem will follow me wherever I go. Yes - some careers may be less anxiety-inducing than design, what with all the presentations and critiques. However I believe my habits, low self-esteem, and social anxiety are the roots of the problem and the best place to focus my attention.
**WHAT I WANT TO DO ABOUT IT...**
Now I am able to acknowledge the problem and have an understanding of what needs to change. From here I'd like to develop a strategy to buck this long-term trend and become somebody who can hold down a full-time job and live a full, adult life.
**...BUT HOW? HELP!?**
Identifying the problem is a start, but I'm struggling to identify what action to take in order to move forwards from here.
I was wondering if my situation sounds familiar to anyone in this sub. If so, sas anyone found any books, talks, reading material, *anything* that has helped them to make a significant change to their habits?
I'd be very grateful for pointers from anyone who's been through something similar and managed to change their behaviour in the long-term! Thanks guys :)
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self.Anxiety
|
Please, learn from my mistake. This is my little story.
2017 was one of the hardest years of my life. I rang in the New Year drunk and drugged out at a music festival in hope that my feelings of depression and anxiety could be steered away. The whole year I fought an internal battle with my mind every day. I saw each day of my life pass by. I woke up many mornings hoping I could go back to sleep and not wake up for a long time. I had days of some clarity, but my illness just got worse. I tried everything to cure my mental illness such as becoming more religious, finding new hobbies, going out more but nothing worked. My mind would be temporarily occupied but I still came home each night to my bed of sorrow and hopelessness. My bad thoughts not only affected me, but one of the most important people in my life, my boyfriend. He tried to help me. He became my therapist which later in time broke him. I ran to him every time I needed reassurance and love. And he surpassed my expectations of an amazing human being. But instead of this causing me to get better, I only got worse. My mind switched this and I began to question why I wasn’t happy. How could I have everything in the world? (A roof over my head, healthy family and friends, attending an amazing college, and dating this awesome human being). I simply could not understand how I could be depressed. I began questioning my relationship. Began doubting my life, my identity, my ideas, my thoughts, and my feelings for everything. The doubting got so bad that I just became empty. I felt nothing. And this completely terrified me. I had seen myself morph from a happy, determined and cheerful woman, to a terrified, guilty, depressed and confused little girl. I had no idea why my life was falling apart. I saw myself deteriorate as the days, weeks and months passed. My life was falling apart and I had absolutely no control nor will to fight. I decided to end my relationship of 3 and a half years. One of the hardest decisions I had to make. Before my illness, I knew I was going to marry this person. Our relationship was no near perfect, but we loved each other so much. But now, how could I be selfish and be with someone when I didn’t have my life, my feelings, or my issues figured out. For once, I understood the stupid cliche of “it’s not you, it’s me”. My biggest fear of hurting him, had became a reality. My entire life completely fell apart from having a stupid thought that I labeled bad. I over thought this idea I had and it morphed into a fear, a phobia and a obsession in my mind. I simply wanted to be perfect for my significant other but I wasn’t. I have my first therapy session with my new therapist next week, January 5th. I have hope that this time, I’m able to stick with it. I regret not continuing with my therapist when I first saw myself changing. I think, if only I had stayed in therapy, if only I had continued my medication, my illness would have not gotten so bad. I was a ticking time bomb and I just ignored myself.
If you’ve gotten this far of reading my dumb post, please, I beg you, if you are going through some mental health issues, please get medical help. Please. It was one of dumbest mistakes I have ever made in my life. Please, listen to your body and your mind. I always took my mental health for granted and now I wish I could go back every day to a day of normality where I’m not struggling with my mind.
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self.depression
|
Have her sectioned? Hi all,
It's safe to say, this isn't easy to talk about, but I'm honestly at a loss. My friend has been struggling with bipolar disorder for about a year. I didn't realise she has had mental health issues before that.
She is estranged from her husband, she's decided her best friend is out to poison her and cut all contact, doesn't want her family to know anything and I'm 2 hours away and can't do much. I've been shielded from a lot of the truth and her best friend has born the brunt of everything, the real mania, the depression, the attempts of self harm and worse.
She's drinking and smoking heavily, she's inviting strangers into her home and then phoning me saying she's been raped.
Her best friend has told me all about how she's been bashing her head against cupboards, throwing things at her. She has moments of clarity, which I think is the only time I get contacted, but it can be all normal and suddenly the lights go out and"who are you?" Questions come out.
She's been lying to everyone, must concerning the crisis team, who aren't told about the delusions, the psychosis. It seems that she's playing a game of getting away with it. Her family know the truth but she doesn't know as she really has wanted it kept from them.
Honestly no one knows what to do. The crisis team suggested some sort of network meeting to discuss next steps, but if they are being lied to then they will possibly say it's a low priority, no cause for concern. And now the best friend has been cut off and specifically been taken off the list of those allowed to talk to the crisis team. So the only one that knew most of the truth.
What are we to do? I definitely wish it didn't have to come to this, but the current system is not working.
UK based if that makes any difference.
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self.bipolar
|
Can we fast forward to like March? I got through the 2nd anniversary of my mother's death. I got through Thanksgiving not being able to be home with family. And now the holiday party season is starting and I'm being invited places and RSVPing "maybe" then not going because I can't bear the thought of something triggering tears in front of other people, especially ones I don't know. At Friendsgiving last night, the matriarch wanted to put up Christmas decorations and that threw me into tears because that's what my mom and I used to do while the bird cooked. A friend asked me tonight for the recipe for our mutual former friend's bonfire shots and that threw me into tears because those friends I had for a decade haven't spoken to me in two years after a breakup. I don't want to do the work holiday party or happy hours. I don't want to shop. I don't want to be passed around the room on a phone because I can't be there. I don't want to be teased about the mistletoe or the NYE kiss. I want to skip to March and bypass all of December-February, because screw Valentine's day too. Maybe I need my shrink to call in some Abilify; seasonal depression is eating me alive.
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self.depression
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Xmas eve I went and saw the Winston Churchill movie with my mom, dad, and sister. I liked it. I felt like lying face down and crying once I got home but when I hit my bed I couldn’t cry. Holidays are weird, they mostly just hit me with a huge wave of depression. All the ideas that these are supposed to be happy times really don’t help get into the positive spirit. I have to keep reminding myself Christmas and New Years are ordinary days like mondays and thursdays. It’s just hard, the holidays make it extra hard.
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self.depression
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I'm incurable Title.
I've tried so many meds it's not even funny. Right now they are giving me 5 or 6 different meds (been in a mental hospital for 2,5 months). I've been going to group therapies here. Absolutely no fucking difference. I feel the same, if not worse. It's getting worse everyday.
Aight, imagine this. I'm 18, haven't been home for almost 3 months, I'm going to spend christmas in a mental hospital. I wake up at 7am, then do FUCKING NOTHING except sit on my bed for 12 hours, then I get my evening meds and fall sleep at 7-8pm. I get 12 hours if interrupted sleep and rinse and repeat.
You know how awful it is? I just want to go home. I can't stand this environment. I feel like I'm going crazy. Almost 3 months just sitting on a bed, staring at the same goddamn wall. I genuinely think that there's noone in this sub who feels worse. I feel like I have a 3 month long panic attack. I feel absolutely awful 24/7 and it's not going away. Everyday is worse, I keep fucking crying, I want to die, so that I can get some rest from this feeling. You know the movie Shutter island? That's how I feel. Feels like I'm going crazy. Like noone understands how I feel. How the fuck are other patients fine? Is it because they haven't been here for such a long time? Or am I just weak?
I'm not capable of staying here for 3 more weeks. For 1 week... no, I can't stand one more fucking hour here. I am never getting out. It feels like my life is over.
And you must be thinking that if I want to go home so much that there are people who support me, right? Wrong. Everyone in my school hates me (because of what I did, because of what got me here). If I had some support, someone to talk to, some friends, it would be infinitely easier. Knowing that I have support in the real world. But I don't. I ruined my life. No. Anxiety ruined my life.
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self.Anxiety
|
I find myself almost rooting for the US economy to fall into recession just for the sake of some folks realizing how dangerous the current administration is in the long run.... And it's a totally weird feeling. I'm not sure if it's selfish or selfless, "woke" or stupid or what. But I would pretty much practically give up my job if it meant the current people in power were held accountable and that every day didn't feel like a chaotic social experiment in mass emotional abuse
But, for whatever reason, it still seems like ~35% of folks either don't care or won't care unless something negative happens to them
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self.offmychest
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Speech Has your depression affected your speech pattern? Like slurred speech? Sometimes when I have to answer a question, I have the words in my mind, but I would have trouble vocalizing it immediately, like its stuck so my speech comes out like I have to force my words out. I've never had a speech impediment before this. Now I noticed people finishing my sentences for me.
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self.depression
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I am feeling incredibly down. I need quite a few repairs right now that total more than I will have until Tax return. I’m due in March with a little boy/ his father and I split due to a stream of infidelity that came out. I’m just so sad for how things are going and how stressed I am. Rent was due two days ago and at this moment Im short on it. It’s just so so much at once. A few months ago I was in love with a man I had been with for nearly a decade and now it’s like none of it even happened and I’m alone.
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self.offmychest
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internships and moving has anyone done it before? I have a comfort animal i'd have to take with me. i'm just want to hear other people's experience with school. it's been so hard this past semester.
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self.bipolar
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The rain. Wrote this when I was on the verge of ending it all. Feel as though I'm slipping back and felt like sharing. Writing it seemed to help so hoping coming back to it helps again.
The rain.
I don't know what's up with me lately.
Everything seems against me, the world, people, just.. everything.
Am I crazy? I don't think I've ever felt this alone, which IS crazy, because I know there are people who are there for me, who want to help, but I can't let them in. I cannot think of a way to explain what I'm feeling without them thinking I'm just a little sad, or seeking attention.
Because I'm not. This has nothing to do with attention, this is the opposite. I'm pushing people away when we get close, because I don't want to hurt them, and more importantly, I don't want to get hurt anymore.
I don't feel.. alive. I feel like a thing. Not a person, just a thing.
A thing that walks the streets, works, eats, sleeps, and repeats, day in, day out.
Nothing feels real, I don't feel like me anymore.
Until tonight. Tonight, I felt more alive than I have done in a long time. Why?
The rain.
Tonight, walking in the rain, no coat, just a shirt and pants, and my thoughts, I felt alive.
Most see rain as sad. Sad scenes in movies, music videos for sad songs, it's depressing.
But it's not, it's refreshing.
When it's raining, most people want to curl up on the sofa with their loved ones and watch a film. That's beautiful. And that's what rain is, beautiful.
And tonight, walking in the rain, I got that same warm feeling as those curled up in front of the TV.
The longer I walked, the better I felt. Only the sound of rain drops bouncing off cars and into puddles, which sounded like a symphony to my once closed ears.
Each drop sent a wave of positivity through my body. For the first time in a long time, I felt happy. I felt alive. I felt like me.
On those streets, all alone, I suddenly didn't feel lonely anymore.
People spend their money and travel the world and experience once in a life time opportunities to feel the way I felt tonight.
But not me.
All I need is a cloudy night..
My thoughts..
And the rain.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m going to kill my self if I can’t make rent. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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So tired. I’ve had depression for as long as I can remember. I’m so tired of living like this, even when I think it can’t get any worse it does. I have no motivation to do anything in life. I have a decent life I think, I’m in school and doing okay, but it’s so difficult to even show up most of the time. I have no friends, it’s impossible to make them, even online because I’m terrified I’ll be hated. I live with my partner who I’m sure is sick of me now. I never want to leave the house, I’ve been quickly gaining weight and I have zero sex drive. And of course I cling to them because I have no one else in my life to be around. I at least used to look decent but that’s not the case anymore.
I’ve tried multiple therapies and some medication, but nothing seems to help. When I think I’m doing well for a week or so I just end up having another few months of misery and demotivation. I’m just so tired of feeling so horrible and letting everyone in my life down.
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self.depression
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just popped some unisom, got the cord around my neck love you mom, dad, my brother, my sister. and all my friends who tried to help me through this. cant do it anymore. im stuck and imprisoned here.
i hate suicide. i hate that this is an option, but nonetheless im too pained to keep going. i hope i find peace. and to anyone here considering suicide too, i hope you find peace too that hopefully isnt this option. find happiness in life if you can. i hope that you can
bye reddit. thank you for being a good place for me to pass the time/get some insight
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self.SuicideWatch
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Thinking about it I don't get why we play this game. It just leads to sadness & unmet expectations founded on misperceptions of reality. I have no motivation to do anything other than whatever my now ex gf would've asked me to do because I have no desire to partake in the system & it's psychoanalytical game.
Every day I think about either pulling an Alexander Supertramp to either Ethiopia or the mountains of the northern US but I also remember I'll see pain there too.
I wish I had a passion or something that makes me want to keep breathing.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't know if I'm at the end or its peaking at night but Im just so miserable tight now [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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too messed up so i went to my new psychiatrist today and she basically refused to give me any medications because my mood swings were too frequent? she wouldn’t even let me explain why i’ve been so down lately. I lost my debit card, school isn’t looking too good, i hate my job and once i finally had a promising job lined up... my car broke down. all within a week. she wasn’t listening when i tried to explain that life shit on me all at once. she said just “there’s something wrong with you. somethings off. i refuse to treat you until you check into a hospital.” ...this is my 3rd visit with her. the other two times i was manic. this time i was down because life is rough and she didn’t even listen. what the fuck. what’s the point.
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self.bipolar
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If I killed myself over a girl that doesn't know me, would police contact her about it? I was too scared to approach a girl in a college class.
Knowing she will never love me hurts so much, there's just no point in living. I just want her to acknowledge my existence, and if it takes killing myself then so be it. I'm such an ugly obsessed creepy loser, no girl will ever love me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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don’t have the energy to be around people but i’m also sick of the isolating [deleted]
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self.depression
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when people say they care about you, its almost always complete bullshit People only say they care because they want the satisfaction of feeling like a good person; because the want to feel like a good person for "cheering someone up." When someone says "I care about you," they don't actually mean it, they just say it to make you feel good, which makes them feel better about themselves and lets them give themselves a pat on the back and say "yay, im a good person!" No, you're not. You're a liar. You don't care about me, you only want to feel better about yourself because you think you "helped" someone. Well, do you feel like a fucking hero yet?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Has anyone else ever felt like everything that can go wrong in your life is going wrong all at once? I'm usually such a strong person emotionally, but so much is going on right now that is hard for me to deal with.
* Yesterday, I found out that the convenience store I've been working at for over 2 years is closing at the end of this year because it's at the point where my boss is losing much more money than he's making, which means I'll need to find a new job pretty soon. It's especially hard because my boss is such a great guy and fun to work for, and I doubt I'll ever have a boss that I enjoy working for as much as him.
* Last week, my twin sister found out that she's had a miscarriage (and yes, she's fine with me posting about that here), and that's obviously been really tough for everyone in our family. My sister just can't help but feel like it's her own fault, even though she knows in her mind that it really isn't. And I'm devastated because I was really looking forward to being an aunt, and now that isn't going to happen, at least not for a while.
* I went out on some dates over the past couple months with a guy I thought I had a really good chance with. But as it turned out, I wasn't the only girl he was going on dates with (which is fine, since we weren't officially in a relationship, but I just wish I had known he was going on other dates), and he ended up choosing to be in a relationship with a different girl instead of me. He seemed just as interested in me as I was in him, but I guess that wasn't actually the case, and now I feel kinda stupid for it.
* I also recently found out that my first boyfriend from high school (who died in a car accident the summer after we graduated) might have cheated on me back when we were dating. I haven't been able to figure out how true that is yet, but if it does turn out to be true, that will hurt a lot. Even after we broke up, we were still really close friends, and the thought that he of all people would have cheated on me when we were dating would totally taint my memories of him, and I don't want that to happen.
Those are the major problems in my life right now, and then there are also some minor annoyances that aren't really worth mentioning here. But anyways, have any of you ever had so many things going wrong all at once like this?
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self.offmychest
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Help Horrible anxiety since I woke up yesterday. I don’t know what to do. I’m at work and can’t calm down!!!!! :( please help. I have Xanax at home, but only a small stockpile. When I run out, I run out. I’m so scared. I’m here for another 6 hours
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self.Anxiety
|
[29 Male] dating [24 Female] for 5 months, concerns over love life Hello, I am a 29 year old male and have been with my girlfriend for only 5 months now. She's great and everything that I've been looking for. Our love life is phenomenal IMO, and we have sex nearly everyday since we started dating. A topic that has me concerned is her kinky sexual history. Before anyone assumes that I'm insecure over her past love life, I need to say that I don't care how many guys/girls she's been with, or how in love they were...she is with me now and I view her and myself as both great catches.
A month into dating, my girlfriend and I have a discussion about past relationships and sexual experiences. Initially, she told me that she was very innocent and hadn't experienced many sexual kinks. Fast forward a month and she tells me about her BDSM relationship that lasted 6 months. He was the 'Dom', and she the 'sub', she called him 'Master' and her referred to her as his 'pet'. She even told me about the sex with her ex-fiance and described him whipping her, having her wear outfits, throat f@#& her, tying her up, threesomes, etc. She explained that most of it was a HUGE turn on for her and that Rough Sex/Bondage was something she truly enjoyed.
I know a lot about Rough Sex and BDSM, as an ex of mine was really into it and I had fun experimenting with my ex. My new girlfriend said that the sex with her two past relationships in discussion began right away with the heavy kinky stuff. However, she said that her and I just aren't there yet, and when I pushed for an explanation, she just said that she's actually not that into it anymore. I am not naive and feel that she's lying about her evolved sexual preferences. We often watch porn together and she usually puts on Rough Sex/BDSM scenes. She has a large sex drive and will masterbate to this extreme kinky porn. How can someone no longer be into performing this kind of sex, when they still enjoy watching and masterbating to it? She likes to watch it with me, get really turned on, and then jump right into bed.
With our sex, she really likes for me to bite her, scratch, pull hair, and extreme dirty talk, but nothing to the level of her past 'Master' or ex-fiance. She loves sex costumes and has even bought two of them since we started dating, but has so far has refused to wear either of them for me.
She has a chest full of toys, outfits, and sexual tools but refuses to bring any of it into our bedroom. We talked about this a week ago and she said that she didn't need any of the extra kink to enjoy our sex. She claims that my body is enough for her, and that no one has satisfied her as much as me...again I am not naive enough to believe her but acted as though I do.
I am very secure in our relationship and love her dearly. I am confident that she is and will remain faithful, and that she truly loves me...honestly her love for me is very easy to see. She strives to please and fulfill me (just won't have sex with me the way she has with several others). I am concerned that she doesn't see me as the Dominant type, and that this is the reason she won't engage in sexual acts she greatly enjoyed with others. She says that I am everything that she's wanted in a man, and has fallen in love with me faster than anyone previously. She professes that she already loves me more than her ex-fiance, and that our future could be more than she ever dreamed.
My question is, if she really loves me as much as she claims, then why would she refuse to perform sexual acts that she did with men she supposedly felt less for? I am trying to understand the psychology behind her thinking, and how to handle the situation.
Thank you
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self.offmychest
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I don't know what to do anymore I've had depression for about 9 years now and every so often I get hit with bad episodes and I mostly somehow manage to drag myself through them but recently I've been hit with one of my worst ever.
I've barely left my bed for nearly a month except to do things like go to the bathroom, I've barely talked to anyone and when I do it usually irritates me for some reason so I've mostly been lying in bed thinking about how good it would be to die.
Anyway recently I received an email from my college telling me that if I don't contact them within a week then they will conclude that I no longer want my place on the course and I don't even know what to do there is a little part of me that is saying you should contact them but I just don't know if I even want to, I don't know if I want to go back or if I want to leave.
I don't even know what the point of this post is but ever since I got that email I've felt 1000× worse than I already did, if I leave I'll probably just end up with a job I hate but I just feel like I cant go back even if I did go back I'd be quite far behind.
Fuck sake this is all too overwhelming I just don't want to deal with anything anymore, anyway this is just a ramble, a way of letting my thoughts out I guess.
Other than that it's pretty pointless.
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self.depression
|
I wish I wasn’t such a coward I want to slit my fucking throat so goddamn badly. I’ve been holding this blade for a half hour. I need it to end. It never gets better. I want the courage to make my throat red.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My girlfriend recently became the trigger to my anxiety. Help. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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22 F, Just need someone to talk to. I feel alone a lot of the time and I need a friend.
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self.depression
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I’ve been considering it rationally. I don’t really have good options. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I want to talk to somebody as I work through a panic attack You know - the knotted muscles, wanting to curl into a ball, this feeling of tense-ness as if you were about to be in a car crash or something.
I can’t figure out *why* and thats aggravating. Like, if I knew what I was mental about *this* time I could make strides toward fixing it but I can’t figure it out. Some of it is my DH seems like he’s on edge and I know he’s bored which always leads him in a spiral.
Its a balance between helping him with his self improvement, and his social and general anxiety and depression - and not letting his issues drag me down. To a certain extent he’s a grown ass man and I shouldn’t have to hold his hand for every baby step out of his comfort zone.
I’ve also lost what little support network I had before the move. I’m afraid to lean on him lest he crack, ditto for my mom (who is a freaking poster child for general anxiety). My dad’s all tied up supporting mom.... *cries* and there is my emotional pressure point.
We just moved half a continent and two time zones away from everyone we ever knew. Moving is stressful, selling a house is stressful, buying a house is stressful, driving with a trailer for the first time across 8 states in 4 days is incredibly stressful, meeting new people is stressful, the disorientation of an unfamiliar area is stressful, ...the nearly getting stuck on a cliffside near the edge of where I consider my physical limits as the tide rose was just moronic miscalculation on my part, and knocked out what tiny reserves I’d recovered after arriving in new town...
And I don’t have any space where I don’t feel on edge. Everywhere I look I see projects to be done, or unfamiliar areas of a house I’m not quite used to. So much seems the same, but that just makes all the differences bite that much deeper.
Also not having people I feel comfortable in confiding in - they’re either not close enough or I know they’re dealing with stressors of their own that I don’t want to add to by venting to them, and probably making them worry about us.
TL;DR - been having a mid-grade panic attack most of the day, wanted a hug so came here to vent. In stream of consciousness word vomit I think I realized I’m lonely/lacking a support network, lacking in a safe space to retreat to, and still have too many chores (most self inflicted) and little to no reserves after the most intensely stressful 2 months of my life. And wondering when I’ll have the time to recover, make new friends, and keep up with the old ones.
I think I’m going to curl in a little ball and cry myself to sleep. If I can’t find a shoulder to cry on, well my stuff animals will do for now to let some stress out.
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self.Anxiety
|
Does anybody know how to deal with flashbacks or rampant internalizing that they have no control over? I have NO control over my internalized hate for my father.
You know Jerry from Rick and Morty? That's basically him.
Carries himself like A king but then turns into A little **** when things don't go his way (and its NOT hard to stop making things go his way.) frankly, it's beginning to interfere with my life my rage.
I can't even masturbate without flashing back.
I couldn't even do my FUCKING homework today, like SERIOUSLY. Whenever I try to work my mind starts flashing back to him whining on A couch over b/s.
I REALLY do not need to be angry right now, but this isn't the first time I've flashed back over something, and it wasn't always over my father. I'm seriously sick and tired of all of these flash backs and my DNA's need to time warp every 5 seconds to instinctively piss me off and make me hate the world.
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self.offmychest
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I'm facing unemployment and a lawsuit This all started a month and a half ago. I'm a middle school teacher (I won't name the school or people involved for privacy reasons) and I love my job and all of my students, so when this happened I was not only shocked, I was insulted. It was a Wednesday and one of my students had mentioned that her parents would be working late and that she couldn't take the bus, so I did what I thought was the right thing to do, I offered to give her a ride. I called her parents and made sure it was alright to do so, they said yes and I instructed her to wait after class for me to pack up and get ready to leave. After about 10 minutes of grading some papers we headed out and I took her straight to her house and even stayed in the car when she got out and went inside. I went home and that was that. My wife asked me why I was so late so I told her and she said okay and we went on with our night as usual. Well, apparently the principal found out and lodged a complaint to the superintendent who visited me in the middle of class that Friday and told me the case was being evaluated and that I could face being not only fired from my job, but I could be sewed by the school district for "misconduct". I asked him, "What was I supposed to do, leave her here until 8 PM or let her walk all the way across town?" He yammered some jargon about 'procedure' and here I am a month and a half later on payed leave with no idea whether I'm going to be fired or not and facing a lawsuit.
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self.offmychest
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How do I date depressed?? Its been a while since I hsve dated, years. Im in my late teens now. Dating seems impossible depressed. How do i start dating?
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self.depression
|
I’m not happy. Just as the title says, I’m not happy. I am a 24 year old college grad, I have a great job the provides for everything I need plus a little bit for luxuries. I have a nice little apartment, food in the pantry, power, clean water, nice things. But I’m not happy.
I thought that once I was successful, these feelings would cease. I thought that graduating college would make me happy, I thought that providing for myself and being independent would make me happy. I thought that being with women and making them happy in any way wether it be a simple drink and conversation or a movie or more. I thought I’d be happy when I made others happy, but I’m not happy.
I thought I’d be happier when I got and followed my prescription, I thought it was just the depression that seems to plague so many others my age. I thought it was something I was missing, so I filled it with pharmaceuticals and nicer objects to be around, more people to be around. But I’m still not happy.
I’m not happy here. There are too many reminders of her, there are too few people that truly care. There are too many opportunities that might make me happy but when I take hold of them it makes no difference. I was happy before, and I want to go back.
So I will. Come this August when my lease expires, I’m moving back to where I began. Back to be closer to my parents, my family, my oldest and best friends. It may not have the opportunities that “here” has, may not thrive with the life that seems to pass me by so often here, but for the first time in a long time, I see a chance to be happy.
I’m not happy, but god damn it, I’m going to do something about it.
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self.offmychest
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I don't know how it's going with my life. I just waiting for something uncertain. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Close friend started dating an ex And I don't care about the 'ex' part. I was very close with him after our relationship ended, but it became more a counsellor/patient dynamic (I felt like I was always helping him figure out his problems). Eventually this culminated into him telling me about his recent mental breakdown - and how he looked up CP during it. I am the only one he has told about this other than his actual therapist. I cut off ties after that.
And now he's dating my friend and I don't know if I should tell her or just leave it. I know she's already embarrassed about it in front of me and part of me feels like he has probably moved on from that point in his life. But I also feel like if I were her I'd want to know. It's really stressful to me, and I don't know what the right choice is. Literally no one else knows and I feel very trapped.
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self.offmychest
|
I'm Disgusted I look back at my actions and I'm Disgusted. How I treated you, how I acted, the things I should never have said. You let me be your friend when I had no one. I see now how disgusting I was. How did you deal with me for so long. You forgave me so many times and I never changed. I bombarded you with my personal problems and insecurities. I sucked at you for every last drop of your sympathy. I trapped you with me every moment I could have and vomited my drama. I used you and objectified you while calling you my friend, my brother. I'm so sorry.
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self.offmychest
|
Get it out I go to class. all my classes are HUGE lecture halls, so i dont have the chance to make new freinds. it isnt hard for me to make new friends, but there is no chance. all my classes are huge lectures. I go to lectures, then go home. People tell me to join a club, i have, but its so boring and everyone is so clique cuz they join with their friends and its just bad. I study daily but i still dont do great on my courses. I feel like i just cant do anything anymore. I have friends, but not that many. Theyre always busy with life and school, i dont go out much cuz i dont have anyone to go out with, which tbh, is not that big of a deal, since i play games and im addicted to shows. But lately i just feel really down, I dont want to say depressed because i dont "REALLY' believe in first hand depression, where sad=depressed, because depression is alot worse and more complicated than that. But i see myself spiraling down. Im a very cynical person, Iv had a couple girlfriends ( I am 21 male, forgot to mention), and all have ended up with failures due to trust issues, mostly on my part. I feel like i have so much "love" to give, but i cant be loved back due to how i am. I have been betrayed/back stabbed my whole life , even by my parents and those experience alone just made me very cautious of trusting anyone or letting anyone get close type of thing. I dont work atm, because im trying to focus on school but that isnt even working either. I am more of a online type of person i might say, I like having online friends because its just easier to manage, they dont take that much responsibility as in seeing them often. even my current friends, I have lost 80% of my friends because of how i am. I ghost on them for weeks and months, and they just think i dont want to be friends with them. but thats just who i am. I love being myself and to myself, but i see now that gives the wrong impression and people drift away. With my cousins, we are very close, but we dont hang out outside of family, even though we are close age proximity. I am armenian, and my cousins hang out with alot of armenians, but i have drifted away from my cultural side, and the community because i did not like that community( church, community sports etc etc ). They were very judgy and talk behind your back type of people so i stayed away, which indirectly drifted me away from my cousins who hang out with them. I think this has turned into a rant but I just dont know what to do or think, Im spiraling out of control, i have random outburts of cries from just watching someone rescue a cat? and im like ????. I am a very soft male on the inside, but everyone says i dont show any emotions on the outside, maybe its just bottled up because no one ACTUALLY wants to know how youre doing, no one really cares, they cant help you, only you can help you. I have a "online gf" type of thing atm and now im like its never gonna work, no matter how well we work as our chemistry is, it just wont work due to distance, so that will eventually end and il just be more devastated. Everything is just in the back of my head all the time. I am a very observant individual, i am aware of alot of social and societal influences and trajectory of individuals based on current actions. I always have thoughts of my family members dying, like how their death will impact me emotionally, and that to me is just very weird. I am aware of my issues as a person, but i just cant do anything about it.I know this is a very long post but i just needed to let it all out while im studying for my STATS test.
TLDR: Trying to do school, not doing great, alot of emotional problems, no job because i dont know, I dont have anything going for me other than my emotional personality that apparently girls are attracted to because i am a "Ideal husband ". But thats just what they want at the moment, which is emotional stability, someone to lean on, and then dump later on.
Sorry for bad english
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self.depression
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I wish my mother understands depression I go to school and work, and right now that's handful for me. I work on weekend as well and I get very exhausted.
Today was one of those few days I get that I don't have any class or shift. I got carried away and stayed in bed until 2pm. My mom suddently came home from work (while still at her work, don't know why she even tries to sneek out) pretty much came home to yell at me to get up and clean my room. I always think she forget that I do have depression with medication and have attempted several suicide method.
I'm working as hard as I could but she still thinks it's not enough. She's one of those "the harder it hits the better it gets" person. She wouldn't understand that hitting hard could break things.
Oh yeah, she also kicked my head to wake me up. That's a thing.
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self.depression
|
My Mom is crying because i refused to call to my family on nYE Phone calls are really stressing for me,
when I talk on the phone I end up self-biting or self-beating about 50 or 60% of the time, even if I'm talking to my close family, even if they're talking about random stuff, it doesn't necessarily happen for a reason, it's just stressing me out.
I don't know if she knows how stressing it is for me,
I mean...I don't talk about this, nobody likes to admit being an asocial piece of sh*t...
So I just locked myself in my room when she wanted me to talk to some of my relatives.
And now she's crying because of this, I'm not really sure why, she doesn't want to answer me.
I know that this is a problem, I probably lost good jobs offers because of this, at some point I seriously considered living in Airbnb apartments because I didn't want to really deal with/call landlords even if it would've cost me a lot more money.
But my problem is not bothering me,
what's bothering me is my mom sadness.
I don't really know how to deal with that.
What's your take on this guys?
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self.Anxiety
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This is why I can't feel attractive To sum it up, I'm sick of looking younger than my age. I'm 17, but I feel nervous even telling others my age, because their response is always that I look 3-5 years younger. No matter what I'm wearing, or how much makeup I have on. They say it to me like it's a compliment. Who the hell would want to look like a middle schooler at the age of 17? How am I supposed to feel as attractive as other girls my age or attract guys that aren't pedophiles if I look like a 12 year old? I know that other people may feel I'm overreacting, but when you're as insecure as me, some things that people say can really get to you. I just hope this year I can finally feel comfortable in my own skin.
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self.offmychest
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Incapable of moving forward Hi,
I really don’t know how to start this.
But, I’m not okay atm.
I’m homeless. I live in my broken down car in the parking lot of my old apartment. I have no family. They all don’t talk to me and/or hate me. I don’t have any friends to help me.
I got kicked out of home for coming out a while ago. No one supports me but myself. I tried to get an apartment but things fell through when they weren’t supposed to.
I’ve been trying very hard to keep myself moving forward however nothings getting better. I have a job but i don’t make enough to afford an apartment, even while saving like crazy. I keep paying for my car insurance cause I have no where else to go. I’ve tried a shelter, but I was raped there. And I don’t know anyone else in this city that can help me. I feel alone and I’m really really really really really tired. I’m so tired of trying and giving so much effort for things to leave me at the bottom still. I’m tired of not having any support. And I just wanna vanish. I’ve tried the suicide hotline, which was a mistake they didn’t help and just made me feel worse. I feel like I have no other options and I don’t know what else to do but just end myself now.
I just wanna go away.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I am switching from Abilify to Lamictal ! Saw the psychiatrist today and since I have developed a tremor from Abilify, they are changing me to Lamictal.
I have to titration off the Abilify and then slowly start with the Lamictal.
Excited !!
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self.bipolar
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My mind is racing and I just want it to be quiet. I’m a senior in my last semester of college which has basically made me a ball of anxiety.
I’m playing the waiting game for some clinical programs I applied to for my intended career path, and I’m currently laying awake thinking about it, even though I literally can’t do anything about it.
I’m homesick after being home for almost a full month on winter break and having home cooked meals and my family around me. It makes me anxious thinking about moving out within a few years, because I’m afraid I’m going to miss my family.
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self.Anxiety
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I hurt everyone I love. I destroy everything I care about. How am I still alive? Easy...I don’t love or care about myself. I lack the constitution for suicide. Or, in other words, I’m too much a coward to pull the trigger. Both statements are true.
And both statements are also FALSE...It’s true that I am a coward. It’s also true I’ve never been able to let myself swallow the pills or pull the trigger...
Apparently, I have a horrid need to see what happens next. No matter what.
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self.depression
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I wish I could be happy It's the night after Christmas where I am and I'm just laying in bed listening to music(The name of the album is The Devil and God are Raging Inside of Me by Brand New.) All I can hunk about is how my ex is so happy now with her new boyfriend. She was the only relationship I was ever in (I'm 19), which ended a year and a half ago. I haven't met anybody since, and I'm just losing all hope. Everything in my life has been on a steady decline, my health, my friendships, my outlook on life, my creativity, and my grades. I really gave up at the end of this semester and just allowed things to happen. All I can fucking think about is how happy she is. Why can't I be happy? I should be happy, I have supportive parents who love me very much and some great friends. But it's not going to change the fact that I'm still alone and even though they don't say it, everyone views me differently. Or when I do tell my friends they just say to go out and meet a girl somewhere, which is impossible (I'm an engineering student at a school with less than 2% girls.) so that's my grievances, just wanted to bitch about my meaningless problems for a bit
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self.depression
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How do I get a psychiatrist? I’m under 18, can’t drive, and live with my parents. How do I go about asking to see a psychiatrist? I’ve talked to gp before and therapists but what I feel I really need is something more. Any suggestions?
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self.Anxiety
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Last chapter with my dad problems After my dad kept texting me like nothing was wrong I sent him a text telling him how I felt. Instead of owning what he did wrong and saying sorry he turned it around on me and said I was in the wrong and needed to be sorry to him. He took my valid feelings and thoughts and told me I have a personality problem and need to work on it. I have been evaluated by pdocs and a neuropsychologist who all have said I don't have a personality disorder.
He is gaslighting me so I blocked him. I'm done with him. It is sad but it is unhealthy to have that in my life.
Thanks everyone for being here for me. I love you guys! You are more family than he is. Hugs
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self.bipolar
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Life makes no sense. Its all about being a wageslave. Most People work hard but they don't get anywhere. Even in rich countries the poverty is on the rise. And even with a good education you can end up poor, und as a wageslave. Why should i not kill myself if life is all about work? Underpaid shitty work?
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self.depression
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Hi everyone, last week my anxiety was so bad I was in the ER, I felt detached for days and didn’t see the light at the end of the tunnel. I dedicated these last few days to self care and surrounding myself w good people and I’ve been anxiety free for days. You can get through it!
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self.Anxiety
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I can't wait to commit suicide. It's my best option. My spring semester is starting soon for my fourth year and in a way I am looking forward to it because I know that miserable might finally push me off the edge.
I hate myself more than anything else on this planet for a lot of good reason. I don't feel like I am living a fulfilling human life. Everything I do must done with massive amount of effort and deligence. What really hurt is the lack of love and affection or even sex. Especially for a guy like me that enthusiastic about it but doesn't have anyone to have sex with hurts. And when all of your friends are in relationships are having casual sex it makes you look broken. It doesn't help that girls see you as a friend at best price a creep at worst. That is just one of my many frustrations on my quality of life..a life have no obligation to keep on persuing. So I am looking forward to dying.
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self.offmychest
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I just... I just don't wanna do this anymore. That's all I can really say. Nothing is worth the effort... I don't think I am capable of taking steps to improve my life, because I just don't even fucking care. Whatever I'm doing, wherever I go in my life, I'll find a way to be miserable. Why try... I just... ugh...
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self.depression
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He's not a father, just a provider My father has never approved of any of my life choices. The career I wanted, the college I wanted to go to, the (few) girls I've dated, the ideas for businesses I've asked him for advice on...they were all seen as inferior compared to the life he laid out in his mind for me as his first born son.
I can count on one hand the number of times he told me "I love you". We don't talk about anything besides practical things like bank accounts and school grades. We don't hang out, we don't talk at dinner, we don't hug.
Now I have a degree in something he told me to get, graduated from the college he told me to go to, and worked the jobs he told me to work. And I don't feel like my own damn person.
On paper maybe he is a competent man. He is doing very well with his business, gave us a high class upbringing and treated us to lavish vacations and hands me money all the time. But I never wanted his money, only him.
I'm 24 years old and I'm still under the man's roof and under his thumb. He can still make me fear him when he raises his voice, and I still find myself ashamed when he brings up things that disappoint him. But no more, I'm getting far away from this suffocating grip.
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self.offmychest
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I can't get myself out of bed to do laundry. I have a bunch of errands to do, but the laundry is just overwhelming my brain. I literally slept most of the last two days because every time I'd wake up, I'd think "fuck, I have to do the laundry" and I would convince myself to just fall back asleep. I have other shit to do! Shit I can't do because I'd rather sleep 90% of the day than be reminded that I have to bring my laundry to the laundromat.
I think I'm functioning okay and then shit like this happens. Wtffffff.
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self.depression
|
Sometimes I just feel like crying is the only thing I can do. Like something will trigger my thoughts and I'll just start thinking about how shit I amm, and how I don't deserve anything, and how shouldn't be here and it's too much and I just cry, or go somewhere I can cry. And it's doesn't even make me feel better, just makes me feel like a more disgusting person.
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self.depression
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I wrote my note As the title states, I've written my suicide note. Now I'm just going to do the things I enjoy one last time. I ordered my favourite meal. I've got my PS4 booted it up. I just have to wait for everyone to go to bed so there's no intervention. I don't really want to slit my wrists, but if I can't figure out how to hang myself with my bedsheet, I will. I feel very alone. The two people I reached out to yesterday are avoiding me like the plague, one explicitly told me we would hang out today, just to bail on me. The other one wants to split ways because "he can't handle it." He got mad because he called the cops yesterday and I told them I was fine. I didn't want him taking my choice from me. I didn't want my whole family to know. Now they do. This is why I don't tell people about my feelings. I feel like they'll only miss me or regret not talking to me when I'm gone.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Today is my birthday I was planning to go home for my birthday, but I had to cancel due to a snow storm. I was excited to go home because I would be surrounded by people who love me, and also wouldn’t be alone. Now I’m stuck in a city far from home, alone. I don’t have any friends or family. I have my dog, and pancake mix. I plan to get my free coffee from Starbucks and spend the day cleaning my apartment.
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self.depression
|
I feel like I’m suffocating I just got back from an amazing vacation where I spent most of my time with my family and it’s like I forgot what being depressed was like cause I didn’t feel it once. Now I’m back and within the hour I step foot into my house I was already feeling kind of sad. It’s been maybe five days now and I’m back into my depression and I’m having anxiety attacks because of the realization that i don’t know how long I’m going to be feeling like this I don’t know how to not feel this way anymore.
I’m trying so hard to do things I enjoy but the few friends I have never want to do anything with me and I have no one to talk to. I’ve also been so unmotivated this past year or 2 that it’s so so hard for me to do absolutely anything. I feel as if I enjoy nothing anymore and I just sit around, work and sleep.
I’ve even gone as far as to friend everyone in my Facebook suggestions (only people that I actually know) in hopes that maybe I can talk to some of them.
I don’t feel as if I have a purpose anymore and i don’t know what to do to keep from blowing my brains out.
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self.offmychest
|
Graduate next semester... What to do if i don't find full time work right away? Mostly in terms of preventing depression because lack of routine can make my moods lower. I have a practicum all set up (but have to move to Calgary Alberta for it, if anyone lives there let me be your roommate lol :p) so that's good, but now I'm worried about what comes after. Practicum supervisor told me not many students in my field get jobs right after graduation. I have jobs in lower positions in my field so hoping that helps though.
But what did or would you guys do in my shoes?
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self.bipolar
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New year I started the new year drunk and now first time high. And you know what? I'm going to still be depressed as fucking ever this year and I'm betting if I keep this up I'm going to kill myself this year. A new year doesn't mean anything just more time to explore depressed, more time to hate yourself and I might just be so fucking gone this morning to think straight but honestly I don't want anything to happen this year except me killing myself because there's no fucking point anymore. I'd rather just fucking off myself and end this year without anymore fucking suffering
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self.depression
|
I feel isolated and I want to kill myself I'm so unhappy. Ive been bullied so much this past year. Ive gotten so much shit from people, I've had people hate me for no reason. It tortures me everyday. All of my people from my past torture me everyday.
I've been bullied ever since I was a kid, for being crazy and weird. The entire world thinks there's something wrong with me. I thought I was beautiful but apparently I'm only cute.
The only happy thing in my life is my boyfriend, who I'm long distance with. I keep meeting people who never talk to me or ask me to hang. It's so painful. Nobody likes me because I'm weird and have a shitty personality. I feel like a worthless piece of shit.
I don't know how to let this pain die, im in physical pain everyday. I feel so alone and unhappy.
I've had people stop me from going to parties because they didn't like me. I was made fun of so much in middle school and called ugly. I want to be beautiful and normal.
I'm so unintelligent and gullible. I struggle in school and fail at everything.
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self.offmychest
|
I feel extremly guilty Over my life i've been mistreated and used by other people.there were times that I made a lot of mistakes..i don't have any friends and more than 100 people hate me.In my class everybody hates me.Im 20 I'm lost and i have extreme depression and anxiety.
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self.depression
|
All I want to be is a mother and a housewife. Lately I have been watching lots of videos of either stay-at-home parents or parents with alternative lifestyles, and I envy them. I dream of the joy of having a large, chaotic family. I know parenting is stressful. Some days are not fun and some days, I will cry and be disappointed in myself as a parent. But it is what I want to do. I am really envious of people who have "normal" aspirations. People who want to be police officiers or doctors or whatever. All jobs that have a lot of hardships, stress and high risk of failures. I'm not comparing parenthood to being people who literally put deal with life and death sometimes, but I'm envious of the fact that people rarely discourage such people with such dreams. But parenthood? "Oh it's hard you will regret it." "Are you sure? "Wait another ten years, you'll change your mind."
I signed up for POF yesterday, sort of hoping to meet someone who wants a housewife. People really just want sex. Which is totally their right, but I am not looking for that. I am looking for a life partner who wants the same thing as me. Someone who would put our family, our children first and allow me to be the one to take care of the house, while they work. I really want to make someone happy by making their house, home. As comfortable and inviting and relaxing as possible. And with five kids running around.
Anyway, it's not like I can wake up one day and just do it. Unless I want to raise my kids on welfare, which I don't want to do. But I feel so uneasy about following what society deems as an acceptable path of life. I kind of want to do my own thing. Drop everything and do my own thing.
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self.offmychest
|
Severe anxiety following a depressive episode. I have this really annoying tendency to get pretty brutal anxiety following a depressive episode. I get pretty numb during my depression and my priorities shift from bigger things to just feeding myself and taking a shower at least a couple times a week. So when I am starting to recover it's like I can suddenly see the world again and all the shit I have to do becomes important, I give a fuck again. The smallest thing can trigger a panic attack, like last night I realised I had a concert I had been looking forward to for months that might clash with some family business and my brain went on a total whirlpool of panic because I couldn't remember the dates. I am talking to my therapist about it and it usually improves as I fully recover but it pisses me off. Anyone else with simmilar tendencies?
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self.bipolar
|
Why I believe Rose McGowan is BAD for the #MeToo movement. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Feel as though my life is about to be permafucked and not worth living. I'm not about to say I'm a good person, I'm not. Over the past while at work I've been stealing time (putting down hours as though I worked them when I really didn't). I've probably stolen quite a bit of it, especially recently. I've been in the office but I've been redditing instead of working. I feel incredibly guilty about it but I've been feeling extremely down recently for completely unrelated reasons which makes it impossible for me to focus long enough to get any work done (and following politics doesn't help). I never feel rested or happy any more and haven't for at least a year at this point. I didn't even realize I'd been stealing so much time to the point I was barely working or that it is really a bad thing to do until recently.
The problem is that on Friday I overheard a conversation between two people who are essentially my boss and their boss. They were speaking in one of their offices with the door open, such that I could overhear only part of what they said. (I wasn't eavesdropping, they were doing it right near where I "work"). They mentioned something about two years (I'm the only employee that's been there two years) and something about $1000. The very end of the conversation was one of them not wanting to say/do something and the other encouraging them to "just say" something else.
I've been having paranoia over someone figuring out that I've been stealing time, and this made me go a bit nuts. I decided to grab a quick drink of water after a few minutes, and when I did the reticent boss was there. We made some pleasant small talk and he seemed normal and then he left the little break area, as he did so he said, under his breath, "I don't want to do this". That is very out of character for him and has really gotten to me.
All weekend I've been both racked with guilt over having stolen time in the first place and I debating over if this means they know now, and that it'll permafuck my life to the point where I might as well not even bother living (not that I haven't already considered just ending the guilt trip over stealing time and being in a shitty place in life in the first place). I'd never be able to explain a 2 year gap in my CV and I don't see myself getting hired anywhere with an old job that says I stole time on my record. Hell, I've probably stolen enough time by this point that they could get the police involved. The company gets federal money so I'm probably be beyond fucked over this.
I don't know how to face going into work Monday, and I keep thinking it'd just be easier to skip work and end it all. If I could I'd just give back all the money, confess to everything and leave, but that'd mean burning the reference and making myself truly unemployable.
EDIT:
For the record, I've thought about killing myself before this, but now I have this feeling I'll drive up to work, sit in the parking lot and blow out my brains.
EDIT 2:
To sound less like "oh you reddited instead of working, and now you're getting your just deserts", I hate that I reddit, I really do. I do it because I always feel bad, then I feel bad that I'm on reddit so I stay on reddit to try and feel better. It is why I'm so abusive at times on my other account, because I feel bad about myself and my life. I basically fucked up everything and I'm a virgin with only one failed relationship. I really, truly, hate myself at this point, it seems like nothing I do ever works out any more.
EDIT 3:
I guess this means I can't even write a fucking reddit post correctly. I deserve this at this point, I'm just dead weight on society.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Everyday just makes me want to die. I have a good amount of friends, I have a boyfriend and I have an ongoing job, but I still feel like there's a gaping hole in me. I feel like my boyfriend doesn't care anymore/is tired of me and more suspicious of me when it comes to his social media. I just feel like I'm losing everything one by one because I can't get out of this rut. I used to be everyone's pillar of support but then it's funny when I'm the one that needs it and I can't get it anywhere.
It's just sad, because I'm sitting here with nearing deadlines and bloody fingers because I can't stop picking at my nailbeds due to anxiety. I stay up ungodly hours because I can't sleep and I just cry the frustration out. Everyday I feel like I'm just existing and not living. I've thought of ending my life loads of times but the thought of hurting the people I love if I did that makes me stay my hand.
But I want release. I don't want to live everyday so stressfully anymore. I can't even look at myself in the mirror. I look through my old photographs and I see this shining, bubbly girl and she feels like a different person. I don't know what to do anymore except to just let go of everything and start again on my own.
Please help.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Can someone suggest an online suicide help site that isn't US only ? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
PLEASE PLEASE HELP. I NEED TO HELP SOMEONE. I've posted here before, but this is a different situation.
A friend of mine has been threatening suicide and I am trying to keep him here for as long as possible. He's been physically and emotionally abused by his family, and there's nothing I can do to about it. I've been listening, but I'm very afraid he's hanging on by a thread. Every day is getting harder for him. I'm extremely afraid.
I need help. I don't know what to do in this situation. Depression, I've dealt with, but not abuse. Please help me, I'm very worried about his well-being.
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self.SuicideWatch
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does your anxiety make you impatient? i missed my meds today, because i didnt fill the next presciption yet, and im noticing that ive been alot more impatient, and irritable :/. Just wondered if anyone else feels this way
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self.Anxiety
|
My friends are taking advantage of me Also there is a wealth divide that causes issues. I’m a college student. Two of my closest friends - I say this in the least shallow way possible - are financially inferior. Not that I feel superior in any way. It’s annoying sometimes because:
One of them really likes bragging about having money and stuff (in a condescending, non-joking way). As in he just feels the need to prove himself to be of affluent origins. He’s upper middle class at best
Whenever we plan trips, 2 of my friends always go for the CHEAPEST most budget options. And I feel like they hate it whenever I suggest the dangers of such dodgy locations or if I try to suggest more expensive locations. They shamelessly ask me to ask my parents to fund our trips or pay for their meals...
It’s no secret that I’m in a financially superior position to them. Not bragging just stating facts. The one who brags he’s rich, makes me pay for his parking tickets and charges me a fare whenever I sit in his car. He doesn’t charge his other friend because he has a crush on her
One time one of them asked me to get Tinder to procure a male to pay for (our) meals. Because I’m also physically more attractive than them. They’re also always asking me to get free weed (for us) from Tinder guys?
I have a group chat with them. Sometimes I text there and I get no replies lmao okay so typing this has helped me to realise that I am truly pathetic. And truly being taken advantage of
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self.offmychest
|
I need help Okay honestly I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I’m sitting outside in 10 degree weather with nothing but a light jacket on because I could care less about my health right now. Some days I’m happy to have a life, I’m happy to be here. Oh wait...those days are dreams. Every fucking day of my life I go out and put on a fake smile and everyone buys it! No one knows anything about what’s really going on with me. I just want to die..and I really don’t know how much longer I can last. I can’t find my blades, I need something! Something...I know I shouldn’t hurt myself but what’s the point anyway. We’re all gonna die one day, might as well die sooner if it’s to end misery. Life sucks. And it’s never gonna get better. At least for me it won’t, I’ve been hoping and dreaming of a day where I can feel even an ounce of happiness but it doesn’t ever come. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt like I deserved what I had. It’s been a long time since I had a real laugh and actually felt happy. I just..have no one. I’m alone..I hate myself and everything is so stressful right now. I need a break...I want to run away from everything and just start new. But I don’t want to hurt anyone..all I do is hurt other people. I enter there lives and it seems like all I do is mess them up. They don’t think so..they don’t even know I think so. Everything is just so confusing and I can’t think or feel right anymore. My thoughts are getting stronger and I don’t know how much longer I can hold back. I’m gonna break.
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self.depression
|
One part of me says do it quickly but the other feels like I deserve a painful way. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Sometimes I just get into my car, drive, listen to music and cry. [removed]
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self.depression
|
Is it possible to be bipolar + not medicated and feel well? I am sick of all these pills...and how they make me feel...
Zoloft, Wellbutrin, Lamictal and Klonopin...I am starting to gag when I take them...shows how much I want to take them!
My psych #2 doesn’t believe I have bp2 for certain but still prescribed Lamictal? (Wtf). I suffer from general anxiety, bipolar and disordered eating.
How long would it take to taper all of these off? How hard? Are there coping strategies you have used that made a noticeable change in your life?
Thank you!
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self.bipolar
|
I envy my friends and others who don't suffer from mental illness / anxiety. I am the only person I know of that suffers from extreme, crippling anxiety (thats why reddit makes me feel less alone). I feel a tinge of jealously when I see my friends able to just live life to the fullest without mental illness issues. And of course everyone has problems and I am in the midst of an anxiety crisis, so its making me feel extra weary. I just wish I could live my live without what feels like carrying an impossibly heavy load on my shoulders.
I go to therapy twice a week and the medications Ive tried made me feel horrible. Sometimes this shit feels like a curse... I have beauty, intellect, drive and potential but I feel imprisoned by my anxiety when I go through these stressful times.
*end rant*
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self.Anxiety
|
Do you think your depression is an innate characteristic, or can be relieved by a significantly great event such as acquiring a large sum of money or finding the love of your life? I've been thinking about this. Would I still be depressed if one of those things happen?
|
self.depression
|
I’ve put a loaded gun in my mouth every day for the past week. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I have an amazing life... why do I want to die so badly? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm ready to go, and I'm calm. Which makes me even more certain I have dealt with a lot in my life. I'm sparing the details because I suspect that if I were to elaborate, I'd just receive messages saying how I've "come this far" or that I've proven I can stand up to hardships etc etc. I was abused throughout my childhood, poor for most of my life, etc. But this has gotten me nothing.
I'm accepting that I don't have a future doing what I want to do in life, and that the only option I really have is continuing the kind of work I do part time in college in food service. My first job was in a *lab*. I gave presentations and won awards. I've worked in so many labs and I've done so many things and even I can't get a fucking internship because I'm a fucking idiot. My current job makes me feel legitimately subhuman. I cry whenever I get off work because I feel so worthless. I have ambitions. I've put so much work into fulfilling them. And it'll end in ruins.
With the government planning to massively tax graduate school, that options is already out, but I already knew it would be. I don't think I could get in with my 3.1 gpa. And I don't really want to. Graduate degrees seem to be more of a burden than anything.
I just want to work in a lab. I don't even care if I make meager money, as long as I can afford my studio apartment and take pride in my work. But I have no pride in my work right now, and I don't foresee myself even finding a job once I graduate, which is in a little over a year. I can't even get a second internship. I already had one, and get this-- they gave me an offer back and I said *no*. Because I thought I should broaden my horizons. And now I've lost the only luck I ever had. I could have been set, and safe, and I ruined that.
I have a bottle of barbituates from when I had chronic migraines. I made a map of my entire future, and the different tendrils that it might take, and none of them lead anywhere positive. My options are spent. I don't have a future. And I'm not obligated to work as a pack-mule to serve all the professionals with better lives than mine for the rest of my life. They can't make me do that. No one can.
I'm afraid to die. But I consider what I'm about to do an act of defiance. I refuse to live in survival mode just for the sake of people who have no empathy towards me. I wanted a fulfilling life. I wanted to do what I loved, even if it didn't pay well. I wanted to cultivate an image for myself, and develop hobbies, and make friends, and this will never happen if I work a dead-end job for the rest of my life, and I honestly question why anyone does, or anyone continues living a life like that, barring children and spouses. I want a fulfilling life, or I want death. And I will never have a fulfilling life, so I'm stopping the train before it derails. Or, in a sense, I'm derailing it myself. But at least I'm in control.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Scared I have sleep apnea :( It's not the first time it happens, but what I experienced last night was by far the worst of the episodes I have had. I was sleeping, and I blew my nose in my dream and I realized I couldn't inhale after emptying my lungs. I woke up, and I had to force myself to take a breath in. I fell back asleep, and kept being awaken for like a second, and then falling back asleep. Then I snored as I woke up, it was very loud. My nose is completely stuffy at night, and I have GERD so I guess it doesn't help.
I've been sooo tired these past few weeks, even when getting decent sleep. It just feels like I haven't slept at all. I currently sleep alone, but my ex used to tell me I'd snore at times, and have weird breathing patterns while sleeping.
Am I the only one here experiencing this?
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self.Anxiety
|
So today I am no longer bipolar So went to see a new very nice nhs psychiatrist and she informed me that they have reviewed my medical history and after a long session with her today she says that she thinks my previous diagnosis of bipolar 2 is wrong . She thinks what I actually have is a mixture of three things , social anxiety disorder, recurrent depression and she said I had allot of the markers of borderline personality disorder but that she can't say I have full blown BPD after just this one meeting. But it means I'm going to be slowly coming off my carbamazepine 900mg which she says is probably partly responsible for my tiredness and weight gain and she is also going to reduce my resperidone that I'm on 10mg which she says is another thing causing my tiredness. She is also referring me for some therapy and also going to get me talking to someone who is going to help me with getting back into work. So I'm feeling really good and I would like to give a big thank you to this group as it was the people on here that suggested I show some of my posts on here to my doctors and suggested to me that I need to mention to my doctors about BPD . So thank you everyone on here and I wish you all the best in the future
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self.bipolar
|
Want a depression buddy , to achieve my goals Well , i read a lot of posts like i wanna end my life etc etc. It's sad. I have been quite depressed , but at the same time i know that giving up has never been an option for me since there are a lot of responsibilities i have to fulfill , i can't let down my parents , the expectations they have is also one of the major causes of my depression since m a piece of shit with no skills. Been feeling lonely and depressed since a lot of time.
Still i believe everyone has something they wanna do , often it seems sooooo fucking hard or impossible to achieve.
Don't you have anything you wanna achieve? M literally asking all of you!!!
M 19 , never had a gf cuz m depressed , poor , financially broken.
But still , i have to live , so , why the fuck not live this fucking life fully? But depression doesn't let me , so , I've been fighting it , I'll admit my depression is probably not too bad , i don't have suicidal thoughts ( i used to have 2 years ago) , but other than that it's exhausting , every day, every hour , doing nothing , just tired by all the mental battles.
So , i want a partner to whom i can tell my depression to and listen to his , and probably achieve something together.
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self.depression
|
I ruined all four of my friendships in one stupid move Fucking siblings. Every only child thinks they want one. Everyone with a sibling is annoyed by them, but secretly loves them. Not me. My brother makes me want to kill myself. He's one of the two reasons I'm as fucked up as I am today. And he knows that. That's why he does it. Well, one day, he was being nice to me. It was a less depressing time for me. I was bored. Thought, ya know, why not add my brother to the group chat. Big. Fucking. Mistake. He took the pettiness level through the roof and convinced my friends everything I ever do is a fucking lie. He convinced my friends I'm an asshole who does nothing but pick at him and make up problems all day. I have no friends now I feel so betrayed. Alone. I don't really care about that though. I've realized I'll never be happy. Not while he lives. Any chance I have at happiness he can rip away from me just as easily. What the fuck is the point in living??? I don't think I can do this much longer.
|
self.depression
|
Anxiety going to a therapist Does anyone else get excited when you make the therapist appointment that you'll get over your anxiety, but the day comes and you have intense anxiety about going and want to do anything but go to the appointment?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Coping with Health Anxiety Hi. I made a post about how health anxiety was ruining my life a few months back.
After going to therapy for many months (this was after I experienced a mental breakdown bc of how bad my health anxiety got), I can say that I’ve gotten a lot better.
Distracting myself is what has helped me the most, I think. I’ve tried going out a lot more and just avoiding being by myself, which helps.
However, this doesn’t really mean I still don’t get those bad thoughts. I still contemplate going to the dermatologist again even though she’s told me countless times that, even though the eczema on my back will not go away, it’s just that, eczema. I KNOW she’s right because I do have smaller eczema spots that are the same but since this one is a bit bigger I get paranoid.
Tonight has been one of those nights where I worry, thought typing this might help. It’s definitely important to try and clear your mind, otherwise the irrational thoughts will just keep coming & you will eventually convince yourself that they’re true.
To anyone else out there with health anxiety, I hope you’re doing alright. It’s okay. We’re okay.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I hate when my mania takes a break. From time to time I'll come down for a few hours, giving my body some time to recover and regain some energy and as soon as I have enough my brain just activates full blown mania again and off we go.
|
self.bipolar
|
Sleep most of the day, eating a crap diet, happiness is just not there for me For the past few days, I've basically wake up, eat breakfast, maybe go on my phone for an hour, and then sleep. Eventually I'll get up to eat lunch and dinner, but I sleep for the remainder of the day. There's not a lot of reasons for me to get up. This will change when the semester starts, but now, now I see a life that is pointless staring a boy who will never be able to love anyone. No mater how hard he tries.
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self.depression
|
How do you resist antipsychotic hunger?! Hi all, on Seroquel and once again struggling with ravenous appetite in the evening. For those on antipsychotics and other meds that cause hunger, how do you resist it? What coping strategies have you come up with to manage your hunger?
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self.bipolar
|
Stable? Two weeks ago I went into the hospital overnight. Since then we've made a massage change in meds.
I feel....so normal. So happy. I'm lightly hypo. My doctors and I agree this is where I'm most efficient.
But I go to work. I come home and clean my house. I do the shopping. I don't over spend. I watch a few hours of tv. Eat dinner. I sleep seven or eight hours.
I react properly to situations.
This is normal Right? This is Stable?
|
self.bipolar
|
I don't want to die, but it feels like the only option. And it feels like no one understands what I'm feeling. I can't afford therapy at the moment, so sorry for this word vomit.
I want to start this by saying I'm not suicidal. I'm not. I never could be. I had massive suicide ideation as a teenager, but now at 23, since my cousin killed himself 2 years ago, I've realized I don't want to die. I can't put that pain on other people. I've seen how his death has affected people around me.
And I WANT to like life. I want to be happy. I don't want to die. In fact, I'd argue that I'm scared of dying.
But damn. It really feels like the only option lately.
For the past year or so, I've been essentially useless. I can't concentrate and I enjoy nothing. I graduated this past December from college, currently unemployed and looking for a job. None of my hobbies interest me anymore.
I have to force myself to write, which is something I used to do obsessively and enjoy. When I do write, I can only get out a page or so before breaking down and feeling like I've worked on it all day. People keep telling me it's writer's block, which is driving me insane because I haven't wanted to genuinely sit down and write in about a year and a half. I like having written, though, so I try to get a little bit done every week even if it's not a lot. But then I feel like I haven't gotten enough done and that I'm a lazy slacker for being unable to focus, and I feel like shit again. I've cried more than once over my writing in the past month or so.
I barely read anymore. Honestly haven't enjoyed a book in months. So I normally just read fanfiction because it's easier to read and not hate life for a second.
It really hit me when I was at an anime convention recently. I've been going to these things for years. I love going. They take my mind off things. I get to hang out with people I like. it's really fun. But during this one all I could think about was wanting to cry and feeling extremely apathetic.
I tried explaining it to my other cousin since she came with me, and she said that's normal to feel apathetic sometimes and I had to explain
no.
I just don't care about anything anymore.
I barely even feel sad. I feel nothing.
I've tried those stupid things that cheer other people up. I've tried fixing my eating pattern. I've tried exercising.
Nothing works.
Considering I refuse to kill myself even if my brain tells me death sounds like a good deal sometimes, it feels like that's my only option or just be miserable, unfocused, and unable to get productive work done for the rest of my life.
I'm trying to tell myself it'll get better when I manage to find a job.
But I don't think it will.
And I hate that no one seems to understand this. I get told to read self-help books or think positively or that what I'm feeling is normal--if THIS is normal to feel from the moment I wake up to the time I'm struggling to fall asleep because I can't relax, then life honestly isn't worth living.
Why can't I just be normal? Why is it so hard to feel something other than THIS? I JUST WANT TO FEEL SOMETHING OTHER THAN THIS.
Cried while typing this up. Hoping it'll make me feel a little bit better. I just got back from what was supposed to be a fun weekend with friends, and I felt miserable nearly the whole time. Maybe I'll try to get some writing revisions done?
|
self.depression
|
23 and dropping put of my 3rd university try I don't know what to fucking do anymore. Don't sleep, don't eat. I hurt so much, physically and mentally. I don't know what to do.
I just want this to be over.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My family is actually crazy and childish So, honestly, as I'm typing this it's 20:58 my time, at about 13:00 my family (which is me, my sister, mom and dad atm while my brother is working in another country) started just screaming at eachother. Honestly, I didn't react, stayed in my room, didn't give a shit. Why, you might think. Well, my sister is studying abroad and she comes home every now and then to visit us, I shit you not, every single time she has come home, she and my mom argue and then it turns into my dad arguing with my mom and then it turns into them all acting like 12 year olds. Honestly, I'm so mad, but it's kind of funny to me, how they could be acting this way, and how it always happens, yet they keep meeting up. My dad just stormed out of the house and my mom went into my sister hiding in some room and said ''are you happy now?'' and they started screaming again and she then stormed out of the house. I sit here and I just think about how crazy my family is, and most of all, how incredibly childish they are. I don't know, I honestly feel like I never really had a really special bond with my parents, like don't get me wrong, they are great parents and I love them so much and they care for me but I see how these other families are and it's nothing like that and this just kind of, I don't know, further increases those thoughts. I just really want to punch a hole in my door because of this shit and to add because I got tired of it and just told them to stop and none of them listened to me because I'm 16 and I apparently have no say. Whenever I told them my mom was just kind of like ''oh please''. I'm just tired of this shit. AND to top it off, we were all supposed to travel to our homecountry in 4 days lol. What a family.
|
self.offmychest
|
How strongly do you identify with yourself when you're hypomanic/manic? Can you be cycling without a 'middle' episode for years? I was diagnosed with bipolar NOS at 14, I don't know if that's even a standard practice. As it came from another source and I was so young, my GP ignored the information and treated my depression as it came, it was quite severe a lot of the time and it came and went, often but not always with medications.
I was on Valproate for a few months but that got scrapped because we were looking at my hour by hour emotions instead of week by week/month by month. Because I trusted my GP I completely forgot about a possible bipolar diagnoses, until recently I discovered 2 of my cousins also have bipolar. Looking back I've come to realize that when I was on antidepressants without a stabilizer I was consistently elated, social, people thought I was funny (Or at least I thought they did), I would change my appearance constantly, post on social media every ten minutes, take on projects at the drop of a hat (I saw a slide projector made of junk parts on a movie at 3am and swiftly began taking apart my bike and anything around me for parts) drink whenever I wanted etc etc, I would also wake up some days and everything would piss me off to no end, or be depressed for a few weeks while still taking my meds. It was almost so consistent that I felt that it was just me, my personality.
I'm 20 now, I've stopped abusing drink, I've stopped smoking weed, I've had a good relationship for a year, I've come of my antidepressants, and I still get depressed sometimes, but I'm on an even keel and have been for months. Is it possible that I was cycling hypomanic, depressed and mixed for years and now I'm in the middle for once? Like I'm more together than I ever have been, living with a great person, I have my first job, a dog, etc, but I feel like I'm so different to what I thought I was? I feel like I've lost some of the best parts of me. My mental health is so much better but I don't know who I am without being so high. Can you present bipolar symptoms so early? Could I just be pushed up by antidepressants and therefore just seem like bipolar like episodes? Have you ever felt like a completely different person between episodes?
|
self.bipolar
|
DAE have a day that is going pretty well and think they are Cured™? And then something happens that makes you go "Oh, life is trash. I guess I'm gonna be depressed forever lol"
|
self.depression
|
I forgot how terrible dating is I just got out of a relationship. Messy break up, guy was an asshole, etc.
Everyone is saying to “get back out there” just to meet people. Not to find love, but just to talk to guys.
I forgot how much I hated this process. I feel like I’m forcing conversations. All they say is “hey”, “what’s up” and nothing ever goes anywhere.
Frustrated.
|
self.offmychest
|
BlueCross just dumped all my doctors two days before the ObamaCare sign up deadline. Their stupid insurance is the only thing available! [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Just need to vent My life is good.
I have a fantastic beautiful wife who loves me and has her faults just as I do.
We have am amazing 2 yr old daughter. Shes becoming so smart so quickly it shocks both of us.
We have another child on the way that came effortlessly and could not be more excited for.
BUT
I am estranged from my family. We had a huge falling out and just became so toxic so quickly that there was no turning back.
This is largely in part to them not owning their own part of the fracture created. I Have been trained in conflict resolution and I know one of the main steps is taking ownerships of your own actions to move past them, but it seems I will NEVER get that olive branch.
And to that end, these Holidays SUCKED.
It wasnt great before but this year felt so much heavier than past years.
I know I can only do so much on my part. I can pay a high priced Doc to tell me things i already know .
It wont change the fact i feel lonely as hell, even with my daughter and wife there to support me.
I have a great life, I want to feel like I do as well and I want this weight off my back before our next child comes and I dont know what to do.
Spent most of tonight thinking of my brother who I used to be close with. Haven't seen him in person since the weekend our daughter was born.
Texted for a alittle but he never expressed interest in our child or us.
Maybe I could have done more but you know what, I was tired as shit with a newborn and it could have been done on his part..
I'm just tired and lost. I have the fight for my family and will keep pushing but this rock keeps getting harder going uphill.
|
self.depression
|
Numbers. I see a lot of people talking about numbers in their life and how hard it is. But you need to know:
Grades do not define who you are
Weight does not define who you are
Height does not define who you are
Money does not define who you are
Remember. The only thing that defines who you are is yourself. If you're not perfect. So what? No one is.
Have a happy new year everyone!
|
self.offmychest
|
This book changed me (for the better) - Power of Now [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Someone please strangle me. I've made a mistake at my job. Yet fucking again. I suck at it. I'm always making mistakes. Today I walked out at 5, thinking my shift was over. Nope, I had four hours to go. I forgot to check the updated work schedule. I fucked up. I feel so stupid I don't wanna show up. I'm trying not to he suicidal but I swear. I fucking suck.
Today was a terrible day.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
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