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I finally got it After or whatever school I walked to get the supplies that I need to hang myself. During my music coach/tech was wondering. (She knows my issues kinda and she is going and went through it) I just said walking etc but now I have my stuff
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self.SuicideWatch
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Meds make me feel like I can't breathe I started new meds and it feel like I can't breathe well. I know I can cause I was just at the doctors and my oxygen levels were perfect, my lungs sounded good, my heart and blood pressure were fine. But when I don't take it I get more anxiety attacks and I feel like I can't breath then + more, so I don't know what to do and what would be worth it
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self.Anxiety
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I don’t really want to die, I just want my old life back I had years of a painful injury followed by a procedure that in my opinion deformed my body. I feel disgusted by the change to my body all the time. And I have lost the ability to do the things I loved. I used to be happy and active. Now I’m depressed, anxious, and barely functional. I have been this bad for 2 years I don’t want to be like this anymore and I don’t see it getting better unless my body magically goes back to normal. My friends either don’t know or don’t understand how serious it is. Most of them left me long ago when I stopped being my normal self.
My sleep is the worst. I lie awake for hours with a racing heart. I get almost like ‘flash backs’ but not of the trauma...rather just memories of how I used to be, that’s the worst part. That girl back then didn’t know this was going to be her life, and she can’t cope with it. She is pretty much dead already.
It sucks finding the point along the line where you realise you can’t cope with it anymore. Part of you knows you have been through a lot and understands why you can’t keep going. But another part feels weak and wishes you were stronger. I find that I feel weak because my friends don’t understand the trauma I have been through; so in their eyes I think I appear weak and useless...and I’ve internalised that.
Please I just pray to the universe (as a atheist) that my body goes back to normal. Then I could stop this obsession, this disgust and this shame. Then I could try to continue to recover from my original injury, and I pray too that my injury would improve. Lastly, that I would be psychologically able to recover from all the mental anguish.
I wish the above so badly. But I am utterly terrified it’s not going to happen...for if that is the case I don’t think I will survive...I think I would destroy myself. Probably initially through self sabotage until I could feel I had nothing left to live for and end it entirely.
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self.SuicideWatch
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There's fatigue and then there is fatigue that probably only People on here can understand Holy shit its hard
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self.Anxiety
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I feel like the most undesirable person in the world right and I can't do anything right. //WARING LONG POST!!! Sorry for the inconvenience \\\
I don't know what it is about me that people just absolutely hate. I try to be pleasant and smile. I used to have a mean frown and a friend told me before he knew me he thought I was gonna be mean and a bully. He said once he got to know me he said I was the total opposite of what he thought. Which made me very happy. So I took that as to try to smile more and have an uplifting attitude and try to be more out going.
I'm kind of introvert but I'm trying hard to do that because I want to make more friends and eventually have a girlfriend I'm 19 I've never been in a meaningful relationship with some one. and girls seem to do what they can to avoid me or just absolutely hate my guts. Every time I try to talk to a girl they seem to get real annoyed and just walk off while I'm in mid sentence. This really started during middle school and progressed up to now. But other friends I have now which especially since I graduated high school last year I now have a lot less of and they seem to have something else better to do when we hang out or also seen annoyed when we hang out.
My best friend moved from Florida to New York and now I feel even more lonelier and depressed then ever. The only parent I have is my mother my father died from a heart attack and my step father died from cancer. And my mom is diagnosed with multiple sclerosis. Thankfully she doesn't expirecne too much pain but it does get to her. She has a low immune system so when she gets sick it can get bad. I feel like I keep disappointing my mom.
I'm 19 I'm not in college and I lost my last two jobs and I recently been in a car crash. It's not too bad but it was still somewhat costly. I have no current goals and I feel lost.My luck especially of late has been horrible. I've been really been fearing death lately. I don't know why.
My dad died at 48 and diabetes run in my family. I'm afraid to die young like him. I don't have diabetes but I am over weight. It's not to bad If I go to the gym I can easily lose it. But my confidence has been so low and I have very little self-worth I can't get motivated to go. The only things that make me laugh at all is watching Dragon ball, team four star on YouTube and Dave Chappell on Netflix.
My pets too. When ever I start getting into a really bad mood and start having really depressing thoughts my cats or my dog would always come over and comfort me. Or they'll do something really cute which makes me smile. That's it. A few shows and my pets can get me through my uneventful day. I don't know what there is for me out there.
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self.depression
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I feel like a failure. I have been going to school for what feels like a million years. I am a grown adult working toward a BA (I earned an AA) that I don’t even know what I’ll do with. I have been learning how to be a student throughout the whole process and yet I am always treading water. What began as a quest to keep learning and achieve a particular goal has turned into an emotional nightmare. I don’t know how to define myself anymore. The more I know about the world and older I get, the more I wonder what the point of all of this is. I’m so confused all the time. I don’t think I will be able to continue after this semester due to grades/inability to get approved loans — like personal loans. I don’t think I can ever finish.
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self.offmychest
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Having fun with a person Still unsure if the person even likes me...
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self.depression
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Suicide Time So, this may be long but oh well.
Tonight, I read an article that brought up memories about my cousin molesting me when I was 8. I can't deal with that.
I have Endometriosis and have been in severe pain for awhile now. I am on narcotics and anti nausea pills to help. I have a surgery in 1 week that should help the pain but no guarantees.
I live with my boyfriend who is absolutely amazing. He is everything to me. Since I've been in pain, he works 8-12 hours a day, comes home, does the dishes, cooks dinner, takes a shower, and then we go to sleep. Well today, he also had to deal with me breaking down about the molestation from when I was 8. He didn't know about that. After I had calmed down, he did the dishes and was saying how tired he was. Then he took a shower and he said he was too tired to eat and went to bed. He is tired because he works all day and then has to come home to take care of me. It's my fault.
I was raped when I was 18. I have PTSD from it. A friend of a friend drugged me and raped me. I still deal with nightmares to this day.
I have had depression since I was 12. I have been admitted to psychiatric hospitals 9 times for suicide watch. I have been living instead of committing suicide because I don't want to cause my loved ones pain. I have always thought of others. My entire life I have tried to make other people happy. But now it's time to do something for myself.
I will be committing suicide tomorrow. I will drive my car off of a bridge and in to the water. I am sorry to everyone that this may cause pain to. But it is time to take care of myself for once.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel normal most of the time but then every few months i get in a mood swing and get depressed for a few days and then go back to normal [deleted]
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self.depression
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The last time I felt genuinely, truly happy was when I was in a romantic relationship. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Mild sense of panic every few hours? So since I’ve been home for winter break, every so often each day (mainly at night when trying to sleep), I’ll have a sudden feeling of impending doom or like I’m really alone in the world and something bad is going to happen to me. My heart races (I already have tachycardia) and I feel extremely nervous. It always goes away but in the moment it feels awful.
I’m on meds for depression and anxiety. What should I do until my psychiatrist appointment in two weeks?
Are these panic attacks or just random bouts of anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
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Can I use my SAD lamp all day long? I've suffered from pretty bad seasonal depression for the last five years since moving to the UK, but this year it's much worse than usual.
The typical instructions are to sit in front of it in the morning for about 30 - 60 mins. However, is there any reason why I shouldn't sit in front of my SAD lamp for the entire work day? I work from home and I've set it up slightly above eye level above my monitor at the advised arms reach away distance from my eyes.
I find when I only use it for the suggested amount of time in the morning I'm ok until about 1-2 pm, But as soon as the sun starts going down at about 2:30-3pm I'm a turning into an irrationally depressed puddle of misery again.
Does anyone else use their lamp all day long? Should I talk to my GP about this?
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self.depression
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Today is my birthday. Today is my birthday. It started off so well, I woke up on time and I did homework I slept through the night before, I finished and I wasn’t late. My mom said happy birthday to me before I left, a bunch of other people had said so and hugged me and all these nice things throughout the day. I felt appreciated and happy and it all just felt so well. I hung out with my best friends and had a sweet birthday dinner, it was all stuff I could look back on and feel happy about. Now I’m home, and I’m alone. It’s almost like that fleeting warm aura I was surrounded with all day has left, and all I have now is myself. I don’t know how to feel, other than left with the worst parts of me.
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self.depression
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I think my boyfriend is going to break up with me. I'm so scared. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Just need feedback Feel like a dog chasing their own tail. I acknowledged that I’ve been depressed since August. I’m in so much pain and don’t feel like I can pull out of it.
Everyday it’s work, home, sleep, then repeat.
I’m 49 years old, been married to a women that I do truly love for 15 years, and have a 12 year old daughter that is awesome.
But I’m lost right now, without information from them and the only response I have is to react horribly.
I just want to go to sleep and not wake, there are no ideation. I just want to cease to be. I’ve never felt this way before. Just feel like things would better.
There is something else other than me being Bipolar I going on, I’m tied of myself having these fucking troughs, it hurts so bad that the only way in my minds eyes to convey it is being a fucking asshole to the people that my true left side brain knows that love me.
Sorry this is so long.
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self.bipolar
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Bored of literally everything Lately over the past couple months I have been getting bored of literally everything. I'll start something and then get bored of it in a couple minutes. I'll buy a new game and get bored of it in an hour or two. I'm a musician and love making music but lately I've just been getting bored of it and haven't been able to make or listen to music as its just boring. Every day at school is just boring and I go to a music collage which is usually amazing and fun but lately it has just been getting extremely boring. I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for 16 years now (currently 18yo) but I have never experienced this much boredom in my life. I can't even scroll through reddit reading amazing stories without getting bored. Has anyone else experienced this or know what it is or ways to help me? Thank you :)
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self.depression
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Show off your medication bags/pill containers! Where do you keep all your pill bottles! Looking for suggestions on how to travel with them, but be discreet
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self.bipolar
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I think I pushed away one of my only friends tonight Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. I hate who I am
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self.bipolar
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I’m sorry To mom and dad,
I’m sorry I messed everything up, I’m sorry I ruined my whole entire life, I’m sorry I’m not the perfect little child you want me to be, I’m sorry my grades suck, and I have to go to summer school and “ruin your summer” I’m sorry I’m the stupidest human alive, I’m sorry I’m your biggest screw up, your biggest failure, I’m sorry all I do is let you down, I’m sorry... but no matter what I say it’s never good enough for you, I’ll never be the person you want me to be, I’ll never act the way you want me to act, I’ll never be anything you want, because I’m a screw up.... I’m going insane, I’m losing my mind, but I guess my grades are more important than my mental health, I guess the image I portray of you is more important than the image I portray of myself, this whole world is messed up, you come in, you get forced to go to school and follow a specific set of rules, just so you can graduate and get a job so you can follow a specific set of rules for the rest of your life, it’s completely stupid, there’s no such thing as “you can grow up to be whatever you want” anymore, but I guess there’s no changing it... we all just have to be here, and just exist, and the only way you can be what you want to be is if you’re born into a rich family, or somehow you get lucky and you get a break, but that only happens to few people, the value for people’s lives doesn’t mean anything anymore, people die and everyone just carries on like nothing happened, in third world countries people will live their whole lives without moving outside ten miles of the spot they were born, a lot of them don’t even know there’s a world outside what they know, but honestly, I would rather be stuck in a village my whole life than know there is a world and how messed up it is, but it doesn’t matter what I actually want, it only matters that I “succeed in life” that I “try my hardest” but I’ve been trying my hardest, and all it’s gotten me is crappy grades and you screaming at me for them and telling me I’m lazy when I’m really actually trying, I put as much effort as I can into my stupid schoolwork, but I still end up with crappy grades because I can’t understand anything, I can’t focus, and my mind is so foggy 24/7 that I sometimes don’t even know where I am, but I guess it doesn’t matter, all that matters is that stupid grade that apparently defines who I am, that’s all I’ll ever be is a grade...
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self.depression
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Why should I bother to keep living? I'm male, 27, from Switzerland. I've quit university. I'm on my 4th job in five years. Since 1.5 years I'm on meds and in treatment. I can't remember the times I was "normal", I only know it was in my childhood until I was about 13.
Since then, it has been going slowly but steadily downwards. About three, four years ago my depression devolved into being bipolar. Right now, I'm feeling worse than ever, despite all medication. The only thing the pills help me with is sleeping normally and going to my work the two days per week.
I have no dreams, no goals, no ambitions, don't see any sense in life. In fact, I haven't since I realized there's no deeper sense in life when I was ~13, and subsequently wanted to kill myself. I have one friend I occasionally contact and see (about once a month max) who is severly depressive himself, and a group of loose colleagues whith whose it's fun in the moments I see them, but don't care otherwise. I haven't heard of my father in years (he told me "depression is just an excuse") and my mom... Well, I live at home because I can't afford to live on my own. Obviously also never had any kind of relationship.
I started studying what I loved - computer science. But I didn't care. I don't care. Actually, I care about nothing at all. I don't find joy in any kind of "craft". I still program, but I do it because it's something I'm competent in, and it's a way to waste time.
All I have left is frustration and sarcasm.
Yet all I hear is "don't give up! It will get better! It's worth to live!".
Why is it worth to live? No one could ever answer that to me. When will it get better? My experience says it won't.
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self.depression
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as hard anyone hates me i just wanna disappear my pain is not going away yeah please i just wish i had guts to killmyself please somebody out there put me out of misery
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self.depression
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About to end it I've never felt happy being alive but for the first time in a long while I feel relieved. Hope you guys do better than I will cos my time is up. Later guys :)
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self.depression
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Why should I be alive if I'm unfit for life? [removed]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Feeling emotionally raw Whenever a friend asks how I really am, saying how I don't have to be alone, or just talking to me about my depression I always end up crying. I just cant contain it.
Is this a fairly normal occurrence? Its rather shameful isnt it?
It seems the only thing I can feel apart from dullness is an aching kind of sadness.
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self.depression
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i'm playing with a stomach flu grenade right now, i'm all flu-ed up right now, and it feels like i have a massive fart on deck. i know, what's coming, but part of me thinks it's just an innocent fart. common sense tells me to get the fuck up, but this blanket is just so warm.
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self.offmychest
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Even when I'm feeling good I constantly think about suicide [deleted]
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self.depression
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who else worries when someone great starts having feelings for you? (long) It's been really bothering lately. I'm 19 and only dealt w type 1 Bipolar since I was 17 so I keep noticing more and more hold backs this illness holds. Not sure if stability exists quite yet...Besides few close friends and all the people that witnessed the intensity of my first manic to psychotic episode, I'm somewhat private about it because it's not worth sharing majority of the time and I've gotten somewhat conditioned to masking my depressive state. Even though I planned on being single for a while after a horrible relationship that wasted a lot of my time/effort/care, this wonerful girl seemed to have fallen in my lap. I mean that in the sense that it was "natural", the first time we really hung out we ended up staying up past 5am 2 days in a row. I don't want to sound attached but she's definitely one of the few good things in my life atm and the best thing to happen to me in a while, I don't get it sometimes :(: I really don't have my shit together. She's quite stable for the most part and we have a understanding that there's bad shit from our past that we don't always talk about. While I love having this refreshing person not know about my illness n the ugly parts of it that affect my entire perspective, I HATE the fact that I've been blessed w this person's existence yet the symptoms still make me feel horrible. She already somehow saw some good in me but I'm terrified she'll become just another person I'll push away. I don't feel hopeless but my mind won't shut the fuck up and I've noticed a huge difference in my day if I wake up w her compared to just sick n tired ol' me. I have a reason to actually wake up instead of having to force myself out of the bed. It's confusing too cause idk if it's the illness talking...even though I have this light in my life I feel like a corpse from the depression. Which then makes me more depressed...from feeling like a corpse even though I have this light in my life. Relationships w this illness is a whole nother realm I swear, I wanna keep the simple bliss of eachothers company but this is definitely bothering me to a point where I had to see if someone can relate here. Maybe I should wait till we're closer out of fear of how she'll take it, but my depression could throw that process of getting closer right in the toilet. It's even gotten to the point where's she's shown up unannouced right after a crying sesh in my room but she brings too much joy for me to complicate it just cause of MY fucked up head. She's said things like "you're all over the place but an amazing guy" but also "show me love". Being torn apart inside tears me apart inside I'm just really worried cause we have something truly special I feel too lucky to let our love burn away :(
Idk if anyone will read all this but I had to get some of it out in some way, stay strong warriors :(:
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self.bipolar
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Has anyone ever tried hypnotherapy to understand what causes them anxiety? I can’t pinpoint what’s causing my anxiety. I feel like crying 24/7, finally cried in the car a little.
My brain won’t shut off.
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self.Anxiety
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Ruined best potential Relationship Hey! So I've been a sufferer of a relationship anxiety that prevents me from getting any dates ever. I totally freak out and become a different person whenever I get super anxious, especially when I think the guy I like doesn't like me back. (I'm gay). I use to have this issue daily but it's become only a rare occurance, especially the day before dates.
I was talking to this one guy named D. He was super handsome, really nerdy guy, and most importantly he liked me back. We had an awesome connection and we clicked and talked back and forth for three weeks straight. Our date was schedueled on Sunday. Yesterday we chatted and he was out with friends. I told him stuff and he didn't reply because he went to bed... I ended up freaking out and in the morning I told him let's just be friends. He ended up getting a little upset and was like whatever, so then I freaked out even more because I just fucked up the best thing that I could have had. He was literally perfect. Same humor, good looking, very smart.... So I was on extreme freakout mode so I tried to beg for forgiveness. He finally said "we aren't a good fit". For some reason I felt relieved momentarily and then I freaked out again. I ended up spamming his phone and telling him to give me a chance over and over. HE ACTUALLY LIKED ME. A LOT. AND KEPT SAYING HE DID. YET I KEPT THINKING HE DIDN'T. I'M A FUCKING IDIOT.
THIS ANXIETY IS RUINING MY LIFE. MY DATING LIFE. I CAN'T SEEM TO CONTROL IT. THIS HAS HAPPENED TWICE NOW... I just flaked out on the last guy so nothing dramatic there happened other than me being scared last second.
I also had different emotions going on and I'm the type of person that says whatever is on top of their minds and presses the send button. So I sent a lot of weird shit to him, and eventually he was like "idk wtf has gotten into you today but I really don't want to continue any conversations with you"... which totally broke me.
I honestly feel so bad because we had a great relationship going and I fucked it up because I got super scared and had a huge anxiety attack. I went from 100% dateable to -100% dateable. How do I overcome this issue when in comes to dating?
I feel so insecure about relationships. I generally have a very laid back and playful personality but when it comes to love I go insane... How do I fix this, or at least tame the issue. Like I'm beating my head against my window because this was my CHANCE. my ONE CHANCE. And I was doing SO WELL. And then I lost control. Throughout the three weeks when he took his time to answer my texts, I had no issue or worries. But today was different, I went overboard. I hate myself for this.
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self.Anxiety
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I found out that the SuicideHotline has a queue I feel like I can't talk to anybody about this. To sum it up, I recently ruined my chances with the girl of my dreams and learned I'm just a terrible person. I hate living with this idea that i'm always going to be like this. I'm posting this is a Starbucks because I know at home I'm going to end up making rash choices.
To go into detail (which will also help take my mind off of things)
I've always had suicidal thoughts. A lot of the time I would just resort to cutting myself because that would help bring my back to reality but lately I just wan the real thing. My last actual episode happened over 4 years ago so I thought I was good. After joining a christian organization on the uni. campus I thought it would be good for me. I met and fell in love with the girl of my dreams. I thought I had purpose living for God and things were going to get brighter. This all came to a shattering halt last night. Now me and the my dream lady were waiting until the end of the semester to become official but we liked hanging out and going on late night drives. Last night's drive was the most physical we've gotten, I was holding her hand and we were cuddling (From the driver's and passenger's seat) and it was great. She even attempted to kiss me which made me feel so special but I wanted to do things right and in attempt to honor her, pushed her lips aside and explained that I want to wait until we're official to do stuff like that. It was late and we were just staring at each other with the seat's reclined, enjoying each other's presence. Her eyes looked outstanding, I could feel my heart swelling for her, I had every intention to make this woman my wife. I wanted to comment on how amazing she was and said "You're so beautiful -other girl's name-" The girl's name I said was a girl i was interested in the summer but nothing ever happened besides a cup of coffee. Now a little context, The girl I'm currently in love with,let's call her A, has had bad experiences in the past where guys would do the exact same thing to her and would be cheating on her. I knew all about it but was not worried because I knew I wasn't cheating on her at the time nor was I ever intending to. All I could think about was this girl. She started freaking out and I started freaking out because I had no idea what happened. Summer girl, we'll call her M, was out of the picture and I had no feelings whatsoever for her. I don't know why and can't explain why her name came out of my mouth. After a horrible car ride I feel like such an asshole, I can't believe that would happen. I feel so horrible for doing that to her when she let her guard down for me, and I feel like I'm never going to change. After attempting to reconcile things A had her mind set that we we're only going to remain friends. Its crushing me that I would do that to her, that I would ruin things with her for no reason at all. Its killing me that I lost my hope of happiness for no reason at all. I cry out to God and ask him to just do some sort of intervention but nothing happens. I attempted to get into contact with the suicide hotline but I was left on hold and just felt worthless. All I can think about is just offing myself so I can't hurt anyone like that ever again. I haven't slept, haven't eaten, nothing seems to thoroughly distract me or help. I really don't want to commit suicide but the thoughts just keeping repeating in my head over and over and my mind keeps replaying A's face when i said M's name. I know a common thing people say is "what about family" or "What about friends" and truthfully, my family doesn't care too much about me. I don't have many friends because I tend to just inadvertently be an ass to them and push them away. So many different possibilities keep running through my mind and i don't know what to do at this point. I don't want to see A because I know it is going to just further wreck me that I could've had that. I don't want to talk about it with the few friends I have because I know they'll get mad at me for hanging out with A so late rather than try to help or they'll just say "Focus on god only" and leave it at that. I don't know what to do and I've lost my best friend.
A, I'm so sorry...
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self.SuicideWatch
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Lithium Carbonate side effects still remain after I went off-has anyone else had this? I was recently diagnosed with bipolar and was prescribed lithium carbonate (200mg). I tried it for a week but the side effects were too bad for me to function properly. Dizziness, nausea, dry mouth, appetite loss and really bad bloating were the main ones, and I couldn't keep focus at work or go to sleep.
I stopped taking it on Friday (1st of Sept) but the side effects are still here. Has anyone else had this kind of experience with lithium before?
I have been prescribed Lamotrigine as of today. I used to take paroxetene.
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self.bipolar
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Going to doctor on Tuesday to ask about possibility of me having bipolar [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I just can't anymore. I'm doing it today. I decided to give my gun to my cousin and have it out of my house I'm at my his house right now typing this as he takes me gun from me. I've decided that I want to live and beat this depression and having the gun in my house doesn't help me with my suicidal thoughts. I've had a few close calls a couple times the past few months. I told some friends and family about my condition and I want to get help, I just don't know where to go, but I figured this would be a good first step.
I told myself right after high school that if my life was going to be the same at age 30, a deadbeat, good for nothing, lazy bitch, that I would end it all. I'm 25 now and things haven't changed much, if anything, worse. I have a job, I have a car, and a house over my head, so I know I shouldn't have anything to be depressed about, but it's still there. I want to know why and beat this thing.
Sorry, this started off as a lighthearted, funny post, but I ended up ranting a little bit. Thanks for your time, and feel free to message me if you want to just talk, I'm taking the day off work today.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Just when you think you got it figured out bipolar blindsides you with a curveball I had a bad depressive episode (suicidal and can’t look passed *now*, no positives and only negatives that are 20x worse than they actually are) two days ago. Lasted three or four hours before it lightened up. That’s not new, if anything it normally lasts longer.
Looking at it though, it’s the exact opposite of my highs. Short highs where I can *feel* myself going up, which is different than feeling happy. My normal depression is more like a chronic depression, and now I feel like I’m going down and it has me absolutely petrified because I don’t know if I’ll hit rock bottom or if it’ll level out. It’s like my brain forgets where it put the serotonin and is just like ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
How I’d kill for a long hypomanic episode. At this point I just want to spend money, eat, cry, and dye my hair, preferably all at the same time.
And god it feels like each swing, be it high or low makes me care less about upsetting people and making me want to cut more. I’ve never stopped craving it, it makes me feel something when I’m numb and numbs the pain when I’m depressed, I love the look of it, I want more scars. I only stopped for others and it makes it more difficult.
If I didn’t need to do homework I’d just take my seroquel now.
^^^(Got a long needed hair cut, at least I can be mad cute while I’m depressed.)
Quick edit: I forgot to ask my psychiatrist. I heard no grape artificial flavors because it makes you absorb it faster. Is that true? I can’t cut my bae grape jelly out of my life.
Can you be mixed without being a danger to yourself? My brains going a mile a minute, I don’t want to do shit, but I want to dance and play with my hair and do a billion things and I’m depressed, but I don’t have motives like that.
I’m going crazy lol
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self.bipolar
|
Is this cheating? Should I care? This girl and I had sex a couple of times a few months ago, but then we stopped. It just happened a couple of days but then we stopped as we don't have that much sexual compatibility but we remained as friends and we still have dinner at my home with another mutual friend from time to time, where we get drunk and end up cuddling on the bed and talking.
A couple of months ago she started dating a guy but nothing changed and we still have dinner together. Last time we all got drunk, took our pants of and laid in my bed. I gave her a massage but that was it, nothing else happened and I know that nothing will happen.
They've been together for a couple of months, if it was my girlfriend I'd be fucking pissed with her but I don't know anything about their relationship so I don't know if it'd okay for the other guy. I know she's totally against cheating and she never complained about what I did. Should I even care?
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self.offmychest
|
help ~ toxic friend making me constantly anxious but I don’t know how to tell her Hi everyone, I’ve been really struggling lately with my anxiety and I realized it’s partly due to my environment. The friend in question always complains about me and everything that happens to her. She constantly talks about herself and never considers or cares for others. To be frank, I’m done with it. She’s part of a tight friend group, but I’m anxious that if I tell her that she’s not creating a good environment, she’ll do something rash and spread rumors about what I did.
tl;dr - toxic friend in tight friend group, don’t know how to tell her, she’s acted reckless before and afraid for her to lash out
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self.Anxiety
|
Made two attempts in the last week, long backstory [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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just got out of the hospital for suicide ideation and now the thoughts are back. Edited.
I've been inpatient four times. I underwent a shit-ton of trauma, have depression and ptsd and anxiety, lala, the works.
anyway, i was just inpatient for a week the fifth time(the first time ideation didnt' result in a quick shove-out after 24hrs because i have insurance now). and got out today.
it was basically just a holding tank with daily 10minute meetings with a psychiatrist and half hearted group therapy. (daily goal setting.)
i was put on lexapro, but i wasn't set up with a psychiatrist and i am notcurrently able to get the prescription/don't know if i want to. .(it causes sexual dysfunction which isn't a fair trade.)
so.....suicidal thoughts never went away from being intrusive thoughts.
now its all back, except i don't have intent. my social worker at the hospital told me that my counselor doesn't feel experienced enough which makes me kinda feel like shit, honestly.
but this is hard, and i'm fighting. i just don't honestly know if i'm gonna survive.
i promise to go to the hospital if i get too close, but i don't want to.
I'm coping with it by journalling, going on walks, and playing with stickers as well as scrolling my favorite reddit subs.
i'm also thinking might as well just fill the lexapro until i can get into a psych and get on wellbutrin. it's better than not dying.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My New General Practitioner Suggested Medication within 20 Minutes CN: medications, suicidal thoughts, sex/orgasm (non-explicit)
I’d been on Lexipro from 14-18, which made me feel just meh all the time (only very strong emotions broke through), but kept the suicidal thoughts at bay. Eventually I switched to ViiBryd (usually taken with another antidepressant as a “helper,” but had shown promise on its own), since I was doing better mentally and self-worth wise. I was on that from 18-22, and eventually dropped off it because I no longer had even fleeting thoughts of suicide (which had gone from ending to escapism), and because it was *very* expensive. Turns out, I can orgasm without making a sacrifice to a god when I’m not on it (which it wasn’t supposed to inhibit in the first place)!
So I’m enjoying orgasm life and I think I’m doing pretty well just with coping skills - I don’t dwell on past interactions as much, don’t dread over upcoming interactions with authority so bad, and don’t feel so guilty about doing anything I see a negative to (like driving anywhere contributes to climate change). Then I see a new doctor, since I was getting a bit old to still see a pediatrician.
I had to fast for routine blood tests, and I get sungry. Sungry is like hangry, but sad. Like, “I want to curl up into a ball and cry until you feed me” sad (doc says I’m just very sensitive to blood sugar changes and just need to have frequent, smaller meals through the day). Since I have a history of depression and anxiety, he has me do the questionnaire. After 20 minutes of interaction and the results, he says, “I think you’d be a good candidate for a mild mood stabilizer,” and later, “I’ve been doing this for 27 years and, having known you for 20 minutes, I can tell you have an anxiety disorder.”
It was so... crushing. I thought I was functioning well, almost neurotypical. I didn’t think it was very obvious. I thought I’d made so much progress... but to suggest going back to no-orgasm land? I mean, between that and suicidal urges I’ll take the no orgasms, but... I dunno, it just feels like all the progress I’d thought I’d made was a sham. It made me cry when the nurses finally took my blood, which worried them a bit. I keep telling myself it was just being sungry, and my fiancée agrees, but he’s got to be biased, right? It’s just... :(
I had been going to therapy, but we no longer had a goal, so it was rather pointless. And while I have nothing wrong with taking medications for life (I take propranolol for my tachycardia and Claritin D for my allergies every day), I really enjoy being able to orgasm so easily.
TL;DR Thought I was functioning at near-neurotypical level without medication after a history of medication, new doc suggests medication on the first visit.
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self.Anxiety
|
New job opportunity So I’ve got an interview coming up this weekend and if all goes well I’ll be moving from the U.K. to Japan for a year. Trouble is I have panic attacks from leaving my room and even the thought of going to the interview is making me feel sick! How in the hell will I be able to cope, I keep imagining myself arriving in my new flat on the other side of the world and just crumbling into a pit of anxiety.
|
self.Anxiety
|
When my job fucks me over I raise their water bill I work for a company that bathes animals, the job itself is wonderful but the company doesn’t care about the employees. They lowered our pay, made it harder for us to reach commission tiers, make us work every holiday except Christmas Day, they will write you up if you come to work even 1 minute late. The list goes on. Recently they made me to come in on a day my dog had a seizure and I was taking him to the vet, plus gave me a point. (Yet they looove animals, right ?) basically any down time I had during that day I was in the back just spraying the hose. It probably wasn’t anything major, but felt good to know I was raising the water bill a little bit.
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self.offmychest
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I'm so low I don't see a way out. ( trigger warning ) [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I been thinking of suicide for an entire month now [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Wish college days lasted forever The college lifestyle is something I’ll never get back. I miss it too damn much.. life after just isn’t as fun.
Life is just boring now.
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self.offmychest
|
Dad I HATE YOU You are the only person that I truly hate.
I know you are scared of what I can tell you, that's why you don't want to reach me now.
You made me like this, remember?
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self.offmychest
|
I'm so tired My sleep cycle is broken and I wake up wanting to cry and omit at the same time. Wish me well.
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self.depression
|
To the guy who got an internship at a prestigious engineering company because his daddy is an owner.. FUCK YOU.
DON'T SIT THERE AND TELL ME WHAT I SHOULD BE DOING IN ORDER TO GET AN INTERNSHIP WHEN YOU WERE BORN INTO THE RIGHT FUCKING FAMILY.
FUCK YOU.
Edit: to people inquiring about my set of skills, engineering students rarely learn actual engineering material their freshman year making them virtually unmarketable because they have no knowledge of the processes that go into building a successful internship. Long story, short: this post is about a freshman who got an internship when they only did basic math/science courses their first year, meaning there was no other reason they should've gotten that job.
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self.offmychest
|
You think you’re in a good relationship until she tells you she doesn’t love you anymore, and that she doesn’t miss you when you’re gone. I thought it was a healthy relationship. I knew we might break up when we both finish uni because we will go our separate ways with different jobs, but I never expected her to also say she doesn’t miss me anymore and that she finds my company boring. She’d rather be alone or with her friends. Yet neither of us want to break up because there is still love there. I still love her as I always have, but I can’t be in a relationship like this.
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self.depression
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I know suicide is the only way but I just can't seem to have the nerve to do it. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
From now on, I’ll eat one meal every 48 hours, as opposed to every 24 I just finished cleaning my teeth and, at this point, I find it so excruciating that I’d much rather go without it for as long as possible. 48 hours will go fine as I don’t really get all that hungry. I could probably go more than that as well. If it leads to any pain I’ll just try taking a few pills and see if that helps. I don’t know if it’s my diet, but I’ve been feeling ill more often than I usually am. I just take a few pills and it gets better again. If - and this is quite literally, I guess - starving myself leads to any unpleasantries, I will try the same solution.
It sounds silly, I know... I’m just too worried about my teeth, which leads to excessive flossing, brushing and mouthwash with fluoride. I take no joy in this. I am actually dreading the next time I’ll have to eat. This is just no fun. I know I’m probably damaging my teeth anyway. If I eat, I’ll clean them excessively. If I don’t clean them excessively, I will probably not be thorough enough and I’ll end up with cavities - which will probably happen either way, as I am probably damaging my enamel. This feels like a no win situation, and I’ll probably have ugly teeth soon enough. Well, I’m done for today... so I’ll have a few days off to relax now.
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self.offmychest
|
I don’t know about you guys but I got anxiety out the wazoo [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Does anyone else doesn't make a post here because you think that what you're about to post is lame/not good enough? I was about to make a post about how tomorrow is my birthday but I just want to die and I just stopped because I realized how lame my problems are in comparison with other people problems here and my post will only get buried, thus making me feel worse because nobody cares about what I share.
I managed to write this one because its maybe more interesting for other people to share about this if its something that also happens to them.
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self.depression
|
My job brings no meaning to my life and I hate where I am right now. I’m still so young. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I find it amazing how easy it is to make myself sad I can just enjoy myself at a party until a thought hits me and I suddenly lose all life in myself. I can be on Cloud 9 until some insignificant thing just makes me feel worthless. I hate it. I hate being sad all the time. I'm trying to just stay positive but things are easier said than done.
It's hard, but for now, I'll have to deal with this overarching sadness.
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self.depression
|
Everyone describes me as a chill person I don’t really have any friends but I’ve had a few fwb’s in the past year or so and they all tell me how easy I am to get along with. My last relationship described me as needy, high-maintenance, controlling, etc. basically whatever negative word you could use to describe in a relationship. It’s great my fwb’s think I’m so chill but I don’t want them to look in my med cupboard. I feel like I live in these two worlds as who I am medicated and who I am not medicated.
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self.bipolar
|
I wish my family would disown my brother My brother refused to come home for the holidays on the basis that my parents were "too hard on him," growing up and he didn't want to feel any pressure from them. They were devastated, crying, racking their brains for what they might have done to him, and it was a very sad Christmas--especially for my mom. The contact we have, these days, entails some conversation but mostly his own narcissistic questions--questions he could easily fucking Google--about whether this or that thing he's doing is unusual or abnormal; it's always venting and none of it is altogether remarkable or unusual. He also criticizes our mother's shortcomings, as a parent; admittedly, she is a tad sarcastic, but that is the only way in which she is not genuine, warm, and kind.
Frankly, I don't know where he gets off acting like any kind of victim. He raped me in front of a camera when he was 19 and I was 10. I asked him, years later, whether or not anyone had abused him and he told me every time that no one had, that teenage boys cannot always control their sexual impulses, and so I had to simply conclude that he abused me because he wanted sex, he could tie me down to get it, and that there was nothing more to it than that; then, I forgave him.
I am furious to see him throwing my graciousness back at me. I protected our parents from the full weight of what he did to me to preserve their relationship--to keep them from hating him--and now he is, in essence, throwing a tantrum about trivial emotional coldness in his childhood, well into his thirties. I still have to attend therapy, weekly, with a man who has worked with combat vets for thirty years, just to ensure I have consistent, nightmare-free sleep and I cannot even speak honestly with him, about the extent of my brother's sexual abuse, because I am afraid that he will stop believing me, at some point, or become overwhelmed by how depraved and violent it was. At this point, I want to tell everyone that we can't do anything to help him and he isn't worth the trouble. I gave him freedom, forgiveness, and grace and it still wasn't enough for him. Just like masturbation wasn't enough. He had to hurt someone. His desire is forever imposing, but I don't know if it's unrealistic.
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self.offmychest
|
I woke up this morning with health anxiety through the roof [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Surviving Beauty School with Bipolar 1 The hardest part of anything is showing up. I had to learn to take care of my appearances with manic highs and lows. Those 1500 hours taught me more about myself than hair, electricity, chemistry, & anatomy. It wasn't even my idea to do it, but my mother's. I kicked ass at the grades and just hated it the whole time but I passed with an A. I'm now a double licensed cosmetologist but I refuse to do hair anymore after 3 years in and out of a salon.
Sometimes we need something to entertain us until the next opportunity arose.
I needed to learn to keep up with my own appearances or else I would be sent home from school. Thanks God for not letting them kick me out after the 3 times I almost did.
I also have a huge appreciation for cosmetologists and Dry shampoo. You make the world feel better.
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self.bipolar
|
what do I do when all my friends are fake? All my friends are fake. A month ago I had none and all I wanted was some friends but now I have them but nobody ever invites me anywhere or talks to me outside of lunch. It feels just like when I had no friends, and I think it's basically the same thing. What can I tell myself to keep positive?
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self.depression
|
My life sucks... My name is Alex, and I'm 29. I've been an illegal immigrant in Spain for about 11 years. Somehow I manage to work my life out without any papers. Working a day here another day there, and so on.
Since little I was good whit computers, and I spend my nights on the internet looking to make some money so I can keep living in a "modern" country.
In one of those nights I discover poker (yep, the card game), so for the last 6 years, I have been playing online poker. This was a good way for me to earn my renting and have money for grocery. Till I fucked up.
Let me get back 2 years. I meet this girl, she's beautiful, smart and funny. Came to Spain whit a student visa to study. We had 2 amazing years together. Now her visa is about to expire and she needs to go back to Latin America. She asks me to leave the country whit her, but without any legal papers, I can't travel.
In order to leave Spain, I will have to get a lawyer (which I don't afford) and I'll end up being ban from EU countries for about 5-10 years.
I bearly afford to live day by day. I can't purchase a plane ticket. I'll be ban from EU. And lose this amazing girl.
Life whit no legal papers sucks. yep.
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self.depression
|
I feel completely hopeless I'm really struggling at college, I've gotten to the point where some days i just stay in bed all day and miss class. Football practice is the only reason I leave my dorm and even that sucks. I'm insanely lonely I try to make friends by joining clubs and volunteering but that does not really seem to help. My luck is no better with girls because I come off kinda clingy. I've gotten to the point where I can't even see a future for myself like if I drop out or transfer there isn't really a future anywhere else. I am so lost.
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self.depression
|
I used the "flooding" technique for panic attacks and I fainted ... three times. I have social anxiety in certain settings. I had no idea it was called flooding but it's basically what I vowed to do from 19yrs old. Put yourself out there. Force it. Over and over until you get used to it. Disregard the consequences.
Of course I assumed the consequence would be having a panic attack in public which I was getting the hang of hiding. I never imagined how intense and embarrassing it would be.
I was out living life. Socializing. Traveling. It was uncomfortable and I rarely had fun but thought once I got used to it, I'd be set. Then I felt a bit sick one day at a casino. I held it down. Forced myself to stay. Suddenly the room was spinning. I had enough and tried to stumble away. My vision went, my ears were plugged , and my legs just went completely paralyzed. I couldn't breathe, and I lost consciousness. I woke up to people freaking out saying I turned blue and had a seizure. I was still freaking out. It was chaotic.
The hospital couldn't find anything. Doctor after doctor. Test after test until they gave up and told me it's anxiety.
With my overall anxiety at an all time high I stumbled back into the world to try to take it on again, twitching from stress. And it happened again. This time I landed in snow and couldn't get up, and was alone. So I got violently sick from laying there for 10 minutes. Then it happened again months later.
Back to the doc and he puts me on lexapro which made my already severe anxiety completely debilitating. I would be frozen on the floor daily in absolute terror unable to speak.
He got upset that I stopped it a week into it but I was going to lose my job.
I even tried cbt and it didn't work.
I don't know what to do anymore. I tried to tough this out and went as deep into it as I could into the fear and it knocked me into unconsciousness. I can't fight this.
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self.Anxiety
|
I wrote an essay abput living with anxiety. i hope it's okay to share it with you all. Edit: isn't it just nice that I flub up the title
Anxiety is a health issue that’s become more prominent lately, something that this new age of “snowflakes” has wrought on the world. Back in the day, it would’ve been brushed aside as the person being too much of a pussy to be able to handle real life, but we’ve become smarter, we’ve become more aware of the fact that this is an actual problem that close to one in five people in America are dealing with currently. I thought I’d share what it’s like to be in the shoes of someone who deals with it on a daily basis. Whether you listen because you don’t know what it’s like, or you listen because you understand the feeling and you wanted to see if someone else felt the same is up to you. In the end, you wouldn’t be able to understand everything that goes on in this head of mine anyway.
Being in this head of mine is like the feeling of being trapped in a barren wasteland. One where your screams for help aren’t heard and you’re constantly reminded of the fact that there’s something that went wrong to trap you there in the first place. It’s the constant feeling of inspiration that cannot see the light of day because there’s that one demon that’s keeping you from being you. It’s like that crush you have on some boy or girl that you just can’t vocalize because you realize it may be pointless anyway since they’re way out of your league. The feeling that maybe, just maybe, it’d be better if you saw yourself out of people’s lives because you think you’re an annoyance to literally anyone and everyone that comes across you. When the thoughts of a better life run through your head, something normal like being able to speak up more or being more outgoing, end up seeming too fantastical to entertain and you end up being stuck in that shell you’ve created. You wouldn’t be able to stand the feeling of being in this head of mine.
Picture the idea of someone being taken to town by an ant. Take that thought and place it in your head, that’s the idea that anxiety is based off. Everything can be going well, your thoughts can be orderly, your day can be one of the best ones in your life, but it can all be derailed by that single idea, an idea so small, so ant-like. That single idea can be the one thing that may have gone wrong: an insult you took too close to heart, tripping up on your own words when trying to order something to eat, accidentally bumping into someone on the sidewalk because neither of you were able to avoid each other. It doesn’t matter, any of those issues can be magnified to become a problem – they are magnified to become a problem. It’s like your brain forgets all the good that occurred to you and instead enhances the negative experiences to drown you in a despair that shouldn’t even happen. An idea that takes your whole world out of perspective, places you right in the middle of the labyrinth of consciousness, and forces you to find your way out. An idea so merciless that it eats at you from the deepest recesses of your mind no matter how hard you try to tune it out. No matter how hard you try to fight off that one single thought in your head, that one idea you get when things go wrong, your anxiety would fuel it to a proportion that makes it so unbeatable, it just forces you to give in and suffer to it. You wouldn’t be able to resist the beat-down of any idea born from this head of mine.
Anxiety is just the fuel to negative thoughts. It doesn’t cause the thoughts to magically appear out of nowhere, living life as a normal human gives those thoughts life and they’re immediately nurtured into a deadly beast by one’s own anxiety. It’s a constant battle occurring within your own head, as if anxiety is that one mastermind you’re trying to find and kill before he murders you with his minions. Each time you feel like you’ve found the mastermind he just disappears and reappears in a totally different place, giving you a chance for reprieve, but he ends up returning with more force than the last time you went toe-to-toe with him. When he succeeds in crippling you, a panic attack, your entire world stops spinning and you’re stuck in a state of fear that is fueled by the nightmares you’ve experienced before. As if whatever you’ve gone through is back to haunt you just like it had all that time ago. It leaves you breathless, any and all rational thought is placed in the backseat of your mind, your body tenses up as if it goes into its fight or flight response, and your head is spinning trying to discern what’s real and what’s not. You wouldn’t live comfortably with the wars I’ve had to wage within this head of mine.
We sufferers try our best to make sense of the whole idea behind anxiety, we try to find that one thing that could be an end-all cure, but it doesn’t exist. Anxiety is nonsensical, it picks and chooses when to attack and most of the time it turns you against people you find yourself close to. Someone can be simply talking to friends when something that’s said between them triggers that one ant-like idea. It’s like a ball of snow at the top of a hill. That one small ball just needs to start rolling and it’ll start picking up momentum on its own, growing in size and speed until it either hits you or misses. When it misses, it’s not by your own free-will, but it’s relieving. It’s like having some bystander come and pluck you out of the way before you get run over, to have someone call you back to attention and bring your whole world back into perspective before it was too late. However, you lose all hope when that ball hits you. You’re knocked so far sideways you don’t see the anything the same. Those friends instantly become people that are just there because they’re supposed to hang out with you. That small-talk that you were able to chime in on was forced because they pity you and are only keeping you around to use you. Your significant other suddenly becomes a faithless cheater, they’ve been going behind your back the whole time and they have only kept you around because they can take advantage of the fact that you’d move the world over just to be alongside them. Anxiety is like Zemo from Captain America: Civil War, it tries to tear you apart from the inside like Zemo did with the Avengers. You wouldn’t be able to survive the paranoia that spawns from this head of mine.
It’s paradoxical to live with anxiety. You understand that it’s just your head playing tricks with you, but you fall for these tricks every time they happen. You want to go out and live your life, but you don’t because you’re scared that living that grand life will tear everything apart. You’re determined yet hesitant, creative yet uninspired, talented yet inept. There’s so much potential residing within you, but you can’t make that potential a reality because of the chains of anxiety. Having anxiety is like the feeling of falling despite being so grounded. You’re incapable of controlling what happens even though you’re perfectly fine. It’s all incomprehensible, no matter what solution you seem to have to get yourself out of the paradox within your head, you seem to trap yourself further down the rabbit hole. As if trying to confront this nonsense makes it harder and harder to manage. It swallows you entirely, you lose all sense of ability to escape from your head, it forces you to cut yourself off from any outside help because it drives home the point that you’re nothing but a deadweight on the lives of others. It controls you through your fears and insecurities, but you’re the one behind the wheel. You wouldn’t handle being taken hostage as I am within this head of mine.
Anxiety makes one a prophet of the worst-case scenario. When “what if” scenarios arise, you’re immediately pointed to the worst possible outcome because your brain is conditioned to think in such ways because anxiety is behind the reins. You tunnel-vison on that one possible outcome, any consideration for any other solution is immediately thrown out the window and you’re left with either backing out entirely or bracing yourself to the point that you try to come out unaffected. You walk as if you’re about to trip a landmine, you speak in order to please any and all parties, you carry yourself in a manner to bring about the least amount of attention as possible, and when the spotlight lands on you, you try to direct its attention elsewhere. It’s all a process us sufferers have gone through a lot, a process that becomes so automated we don’t realize how self-destructive it can be. The walk we walk could deter people from trusting in us, the way we speak may drive people away because we’re perceived as indecisive, the way you carry yourself can be the difference-maker when wanting to acquire that job, and that spotlight can be positive and it can advance our opportunities if we don’t turn it away. We’re so used to thinking in the worst-case scenario that even when good things come out of the situations we confront, we treat it as luck and nothing more. You’d become the worst future-teller if you were in this head of mine.
Mental health is something that’s so tough to tackle because our consciousness is almost impossible to track with medical instruments. We rely on getting diagnosed with a set of questions and nothing more, our answers being the only telling sign for whatever illness we have going on in our head. Anxiety, depression, PTSD, they’re all borne by our head and nothing more. It causes the release of chemicals and hormones that affect the way we live. Living with anxiety is nothing like living with a physical impediment. Mental health shouldn’t be downplayed, it shouldn’t be compared to physical ailments because they’re nothing alike. Until you understand what it’s like to live in this head of mine, you’ll be able to see that I suffer, it’s just not as visible as you would like it to be.
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self.Anxiety
|
sick of getting beaten Being a kindhearted person no longer does anything for me. It merely opens the door for manipulation and advantage so wide that anyone can walk through. How long can you go taking the higher ground before you can’t even reach it anymore? My last climb there left me with buckled legs, I felt every step drain me. I am SO sick of being the better person only to hurt more than anyone else
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self.offmychest
|
Tapering off lamictal? Ive been taking 1x100mg Lamictal tablets once daily for the past few months. Last week I went to see a new psychiatrist. He prescribed me 25mg Lamictal tablets. He told me to take 75mg for one week. Then 50mg for the second week. The 25mg the third week. Basically taper me off the Lamictal.
Lamictal is the only medicine i take
Ive been taking 75mg for the past week and for the first few days I didn't notice anything different.
But today I had a really bad headache and ive noticed vision problems. And ive been really depressed and hostile and anxious and irritable.
What should I do? I tried calling my psychiatrist but was unable to speak to him today. Should I keep taking 75mg? Should I bump up back to 100mg? Should I return to my old psychiatrist? Cause I dont really like this new psychiatrist
I'm not even sure if my insurance will cover me to see a psychiatrist again within 30days of the last appointment.
|
self.bipolar
|
Need help/advise: How can I get my f*g ass up to clean up my mess? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I'm afraid of everything I am literally afraid of everything. I am having really bad health anxiety and i have no idea how to cope.
I have a ridiculous fear of dying, having a heart attack, and throwing up.
As an 18 year old, i shouldn't be laying in bed wondering if I'm going to wake up tomorrow morning. and I KNOW THAT, I KNOW ITS IRRATIONAL. yet i cant seem to stop myself from thinking that way. You know that saying that people say when they die? "They're in a happier place" ? i feel like it'd be best that way, kinda.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm such a fucking idiot jesus christ. Every fucking social interaction and decision I make is just pure fucking moronic. Jesus god damn christ.
|
self.depression
|
Fuck money I'm in debt for 100 dollars for schooling. Fuck, I got no money or anything. Im starving and shit. Fuck life. Can't find a good job or shit. Im about to buy a rope tomorrow, fuck this shit.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Seeing a therapist and faced with a hard choice. Hey guys, this is my first post to this subreddit. Basically, I've been struggling with depression for a long time but it's impacting my life more and more and seems to be making things much worse for me as I go on. I decided to get therapy, and my workplace EAP covers 5 or 6 sessions per year for me.
I had my first session with my therapist (Sarah) tonight. Sarah told me that in my particular situation, because a lot of my issues as she understands it, is primarily based in lack of emotional control and my apparent lack of ability to sort of process my feelings in a constructive way instead of destructive (self-loathing), she had suggested a group therapy they are starting specifically for dealing with people with primarily emotional issues (dealing with anger, sadness, criticism, etc.) and suggested that I was one of few people she had dealt with that she felt it may be beneficial. An extra upshot to this is that it's covered by medicare (I'm Canadian) for free, and I would have therapy once per week, every week instead of 5 or 6 sessions a year.
So I have to make a choice by Wednesday because that's the cutoff date for entry to this new group. Should I continue on with Individual therapy, or should I try group therapy? It's worth noting that I can't do both, apparently. I'm so conflicted. I'm kind of antisocial, and I'm scared of discussing my feelings aloud. Part of my problem is that because of the nature of my past, being criticized against my character / having my feelings invalidated is very painful and hurtful to me, more so than I think most others I've met. I don't think I'd feel as secure. On the flip side, more perspective and people in the same boat as me.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to screw this choice up, I really need help. Thanks folks.
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self.depression
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Never thought i'd post here but here is it i guess [deleted]
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self.depression
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She was one of tthe best things that ever happened to me A few hours ago i fucked up if I could take it all back I would,I pushed her away just like I push all over relationships,I tried so fucking hard to actually make this one work and I couldn't, I know people are always saying about the one that got away I always thought it was stupid but I think that wad her I don't think I'm ever gone a forget her laugh,her smile the way she handled problems how broken she was and how I wanted to fix her, I want her back I really do, she was this amazing person that didn't try to be or pretend she was someone she wasn't im not sure why I'm even telling you guys this I have always been one to handle and deal with my own problems but now I feel like and important part of me has gone away and I want her back people like Her just dont happen to people like me, I wish I could just go back tell her I was a fucking idiot and that she was right like always
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self.offmychest
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Getting worse (despite taking meds) I’ve been feeling like shit lately, mentally. Like I’m brain dead and just withering inside. It’s kind of scary. Going to work is unbearable. It’s like this something is stopping me from breathing and numbing me completely. And I just don’t know what to do anymore. This isn’t the real me and now I just feel so incapacitated.
I’ve been on 10mgs Citalopram for a little over 3 weeks, the side affects have passed and I was feeling ok, but not I feel like I’m in a dark hole. I felt crap before meds but it doesn’t seem to make a difference. I wish I didn’t have to be on medication. I just feel like I can’t do anything. I know nobody can cure me but I don’t have anyone to talk to, I feel more lonely than ever and just had to reach out to others who understand.
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self.depression
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I'm thinking of ending my life at aged 28 Hello there. I'm Martell Nelson, recently turned 28 and I got something for you all.
I haven't been doing well at all in my life and felt like a cursed person who wanted to help people yet never get properly helped back in return and tired of living.
I want to die so badly.
My valid reasons are:
1. Health problems with suffering from diabetes, ulcerative colitis, asthma and back pain from police brutality towards me for mistaken me for a criminal in June 4th, 2006
2. No family or friends to help me in my time of need
3. I got fired and hate living on disablity services.
4th. Rent too high for me and I'm barely living.
5th. Tired of living alone, fighting anxiety and depression.
6th. I don't understand things as I'm born with delayed development.
7th. Risk of being homeless at any given notice.
8th. Unable to keep up on my bills.
I'd shared this all with as I'm an disabled atheist, who has who tried to make a world a better place and all I seem to get back in return are betrayals, lies and falsehoods.
I was raised in special education classes that was horrible to me, got heavily bullied, taken advantage of from so-called Family and friends.
I had turned 28 on November 1st and realized I'm truly alone as both of my parents passed away.
(My mother on April 13th, 2003 and my dad passed away on August 31th, 2014)
I'm an only child growing up, fending for myself, nursing my own parents and forced to grow up.
I can't take it anymore and I want all of my pain to gone. I don't want to be old and lonely.
Everyone I know and care are dead and gone.
I feel like a failure in life despite pleasing my late parents and I felt that I ain't good enough.
I have no purpose for living anymore 😓😔😢😭
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self.SuicideWatch
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I want to change something in my life but feeling trapped Hi guys, first time here (I mean I've just joined reddit and this was my first subreddit). I'm having anxiety (well that's what my doctor said) for more than an year. I remember myself years earlier and I miss that me back in the time. Because of anxiety I've quit university and don't know what I want from life. No suicidal taught's, just really lost. It's like I'm waiting for the day when I wake up and know what to do to make myself happy and back on track again. Maybe someone else having same problem and could share their experience ? (sorry if there's some mistakes in text, I'm from Europe)
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self.Anxiety
|
I just figured out another piece. Decades of depression. Hereditary.
It's like a puzzle I've been putting together all my life long.
I just figured out another one. During this most recent episode, I just realized that I don't have an imagination. In the past, I could at least disassociate myself from the reality of the depths of depression by escaping into my imagination.
But, not now. For whatever reason, I'm turning the key, and the ignition is just clicking.
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self.depression
|
First day back in outpatient therapy after taking 1 year off I have a bad habit of once I feel better, I stop going to therapy until it gets bad once again. Today is my first session since one year ago. Admittedly, I waited again until it once again hit a breaking point of panic attacks in public settings.
Here's to hoping to finally getting my anxiety and self traps under control. No more feelings of constant inferiority.
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self.Anxiety
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Can't stop thinking about this girl, but I can't act on my feelings [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Future Over (College) ? I've been in college for a year and a half now and already received an "F" Grade and I'm on my way to receiving two "D's" from this semester and the sad part is it's community college. I plan on retaking them but I doubt it will help as the first grades will still be on my transcript whenever I transfer to a four-year university if i'm even eligible any more probably not. I know college is important but sometimes it's just doesn't seem worth to me at times and always tend to procrastinate I'm not overwhelmed by anything in life I work only 24- hours a week. The only thing that affects me really hard and i'm finally admitting it is my depression I've always been alone, and just going with thinks I no longer cared about things during the beginning of high school up until now. Is all hope lost for me in pursuing my career and transferring to a four year university?
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self.offmychest
|
Do you ever feel like people just simply don't like you? Or...no? A lot of the time I feel like everyone is popular and I'm just sorta existing. I don't get invited to work things, or dinner parties, or any of the normal stuff I think I'm supposed to do. Do you feel that way and what do you do?
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self.bipolar
|
I Am At The Precipice, But I Find Myself Unable To Cross My method is there before me, but I could not find it in myself to actually employ it. I know I need help, but I can't talk to my friends without them telling me that I need to get hospitalized for my own good.
Here are mis razones para suicidarme:
(1) There is this e-mail that I need to send to my bio professor regarding how I basically failed the lab portion due to severe social anxiety.
(2) My car has stopped working, and I need to make a 22 minute walk to campus police to fill out a form which I told my parents that I already did.
(3) My social anxiety makes me feel such a profound sense loneliness and unworthiness that I can't look at or talk to anyone. I also haven't spoken to anyone in 5 days.
(4) I need intimacy and I ain't getting it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I go for a psych eval on friday. Im scared. Nothing to out of the ordinary. Im just sad alot with sudden and extreme mood swings and no friends. My whole life has been like this. I rarely have a friend last longer than 6 months and have never been able to figure out why. Theres usually not a fight or a disagreement. Just...gone.
This coupled with the other complications of being an adult and issues with my parents has driven me to the brink of suicide.
Looking for answers, Im going for a psych eval on friday. (The same therapist as my mom, which is a whole other can of worms) Im scared I wont get an answer. Im scared the result will be "theres nothing wrong with you, you just suck" because I dont think I could handle that.
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self.offmychest
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I can't anymore There's so much I want to do in life. I have great ambitions. I also have bipolar disorder and it's destroying me. This semester in college has been so hard. I'm failing my psychology class because I just couldn't find the motivation to go. I am in so much mental pain and meds aren't making it better. The holidays are so hard for me and I just want to end it and be done. I feel like I'm walking on a rope. I just want the pain to stop. Nothing beings me joy or fulfilment. Each time I hit a depressive phase it gets worse. I want to be done.
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self.SuicideWatch
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New Year, Separate Paths
Last week as my Love sat 10 time zones away, I felt a sinking and severing feeling in my chest that I could not understand. Today, I realized what it meant and needed to head its call.
I ended my 3 year relationship today despite being still so in love with my boyfriend.
I've tended to be the more emotional one of the two of us, and felt continually disrespected by his lack of concern to my needs. I always felt like I respected his needs and boundaries as he explained them, but so rarely was my energy reciprocated.
I know it was the right choice. I know that I'll be able to better understand myself and my needs away from him, but right now I'm so torn up and I can't stop crying.
Love, I miss you already, but you do not deserve my beautiful, faceted, and tender energy.
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self.offmychest
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Getting help I'm conflicted on getting help. I find it hard to ask for help and open up. I've been experiencing for 2 years and I so how much damage it cost to myself. I started to think about getting help but I don't want to be a financial burden to my parent.
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self.depression
|
45 is long enough I've lived a long time and my body is failing me. My wife died back in 07 and a few months ago my best friend died. I got hooked on xanax and when I try to stop, withdrawl kills me. I'm going to end it next week but I want to know what are some things to do beforehand?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm making videos on bipolar, what topics do you want me to cover? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I don't want to kill myself and I probably won't but I'm sure that is the only solution [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
A Right To Die Last night I just caved in. I started harming myself and breaking down internally.
Please don't get me wrong, I used to love living. Despite all the suicide attempts and illnesses etc, living was still something good. But I am afflicted with conditions that are slowly eroding my capability to live.
My sanity, my mobility, my upkeep etc. I feel as though I am ready to end my life. I'm not sure how yet, because I don't want another failed attempt. I want to make sure this works. I can't risk my condition getting worse to a point where I can no long attempt to end my life.
When I realized this is what I wanted to do last night, a wave of happiness washed over me. For the first time in so long, I felt calm and peaceful. Nothing and no-one has been able to provide me those feelings since my first suicide attempt as a child.
Please don't bring up family etc if you try to talk me out of this, which I guess is in part, why I am here. I cannot spend my whole life existing purely for the purpose of other people feeling better. There comes a point where I have to consider myself, and what I can continue to put myself through.
I feel as though I have a right to die. We're all going to die, I just want to make it happen sooner, rather than later. I tried the treatments, professionals, alternatives, everything I could find. My conditions only continue to get worse. I want to die with my dignity, not decrepit and unable to move.
In other ways, I want to live. Knowing that such feelings of peace and happiness do still exist makes me wonder how life could have been, had I not been like this. I don't know when I'll do this, but left unchecked, I just know I will.
Any comments are appreciated, I just feel conflicted and deeply saddened right now.
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self.SuicideWatch
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This is what I think of my self at times [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I am basically dead inside I don't even know what to say anymore. My life is complete garbage. A dumpster fire I happily set myself. I haven't really been feeling any emotions lately and ignored just about everyone all week. I am so tired of being berated from all sides and I want to just to dive off a bridge most of the time. Between my hypocritical wife and my narcissistic mother I cannot hear the end of it. For once, just shut the fuck up. I am so done with all of this. Everything is yelling. Everything is a complaint. Everything is a criticism. Nobody is grateful. No one is thankful. Nobody is happy. Why can't we for once talk about something I find interesting or passionate about? Why can't for once we talk about what we can do so you have some time with your granddaughter?
I am just so done. Every fucking day. All the fucking time. My wife will never know or appreciate the things I do because it's never good enough. My mother will never be proud because it's never good enough. I have never been good enough. I will never be good enough.
I want to love my wife because I know I still do but she makes it so hard with her double standards and hypocrisy. I want to have some sort of relationship with my mother but she makes it impossible with her constant complaining. Please, god, please either kill me now or... Just kill me now. I have no idea how much more I can handle before I walk off the side of a mountain. I can't even get distract myself with my hobbies anymore. I am so deeply troubled. Maybe it's time to get some professional help. But I don't want help. I want to die. I want everything to stop feeling like a crushing weight on me.
At least I cut out Facebook. So sick of that shit.
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self.depression
|
I found some pics of me when I was happy... I found them while checking old hard disks...
man it hurts seeing them. Thinking how much time has passed, how many years lost. Without a fucking reason.
10 years.
It hurts. Deeply.
The moment I saw them I felt so empty, like my body had only the skin and nothing else inside.
And at the inside there was only black matter, like a black hole,
while a big hammer hit hard into my chest, making my body implode into that deep black hole.
I was feeling happy. A few months I was starting to think of being
on my way to the victory.
Now I feel like being hit by a giant hammer, hampering all the progress I made.
I need to fight this. There is no fucking reason to continue wasting my life.
It's hard.
Why me? Whyyyy??????
fml
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self.depression
|
My message Just a reminder to myself that I did all I could to cure my depression. No matter what I do I always feel the same way and experience the same psychological pain. I had a depression since I was 14 and I am 21 now. I can't do anything to feel happy or normal. I tried physical activity, medication and therapy but none of these things seem to work for me. I am just too tired and too sad about all the pain and the best decision that I see is to end it all. I don't think that anything can change and all I do now is experiencing more and more pain. I don’t have a job and any kind of hobby or interests. Everyday feels like the same and every night I go to bed with hope that this night will be the last one for me. I did all I could do and I have no hope left in me. What is life without any hope? It is just plain unending misery. I was thinking about ending it all and only now, I can say that I am ready to do it. There is nothing left that I can do or try and there is no hope no matter what I do. My life will be miserable and I will not be able to connect with anyone. I will try to improve something until the end of this month but I really want to end all the pain and suffering now. Even complete emptiness and darkness is better than waking up every day with false hopes that this day will be better than the last one. It will not be better it will only get worse. I have a plan that I can use to end it all and I feel that I should have ended it all when I was 14.I achieved nothing but pain and misery. I never had SO or friends and I am too afraid of meeting anyone. I have no friends so I will affect even less people than a normal person would. In the end, I can say that I am happy that all of you continue your struggle everyday but I lost my hope for recovery and this may be the end of the journey for me. Nobody knows about my thoughts so I will just wait for a time when I will be completely alone and do it.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Why is everyone so afraid of suicide and death? Hello. I've had depression and suicidal ideation for years now. I was diagnosed with depression at a young age and have had suicidal thoughts daily since I was around 9 or 10.
Depression seems to just be something I will always live with; I don't remember a time it wasn't there.
I would have gone through with my death years ago but those I love is what keeps stopping me along with the future. Up until this year, anyway. I met my goal of getting to college. I always meet my goals, even if it kills me; I lost over 50% of my hair my senior year of HS due to stress because I wanted to get an honors diploma last minute along with some very hard classes and taking care of my grandmother.
Now the future is uncertain and I don't entirely want to be here to bear witness to it.
To me, life only has purpose if you give it purpose; what that purpose is is at one's discretion. I don't see it.
Suicide has always been a comfort to me. Why does everyone fear death? I don't see many asking that. The default response is always, "don't do that, it's bad!"... but why? There's many on this earth and I would only be missed for so long by the majority of people who know about me if at all. In the grand scheme of things, I don't really matter. And to me that's freeing. I just want to go. I'm tired of the fight. I feel like I'm only living for others even as I'm getting a near-full ride to uni for my own sake.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My life has been filled to the brim with sexual abuse. I want to die. [removed]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I️ was physically assaulted in front of my HR director and nothing was done. So this is obviously a throwaway for various reasons as I, of course, have to hide my identity.
To give some background: 2 years ago I was an assistant for a company, this assistant worked with helping plan events for the company get-togethers-outings parties etc. Big ta do is always Christmas. We had our party/dinner at a very snooty bistro with our own room with amazing food and expensive as hell drinks. Drinks will be the key figure in all this.
I was dressed to the nines-for once in my life I bought a gown and actually PAID to get my hair done. I had planned and planned this even with painstakingly colored coded detail. The party was going off without any problems. Wonderful!
Well sort of.
There's a VP of a particular department and he's very...type A. ALL of the VP's are old, white, fat, alcoholic men that make horrible "happy life happy wife" jokes and complaining about taxes. Y'know THOSE kinds of people. This VP, in particular, has a very loud personality makes all these jokes and doesn't understand personal space if you're under the age of 30.
He comes up to me obviously drunk (red AF face and swaying as he walks) he wraps his arm around my waist and pulls me close. Now my Fiance was at the party with me, he was behind me actually sitting down. When I was pulled close to this crazy fucker he moved around so we were purposely out of my fiance's eyesight.
He then says "oh my god this party is amazing!" and I immediatly pull away and he grabs me tighter AND CLOSER and I'm making it so obvious I dont want to be touched, but to be honest, I'm so shokced I have NO idea what to do. I'm at work-he's a VP I've seen people fired for complaining or not recipricating such attitudes (or not getting promotions for 'being so sensitive') So my body is like as far as I can be from him while he still hangs on, I am making a V shape basically.
So he's talking to me AND MY HR director is talking to us as well and she jokingly asks him what is he going to do with me (um i'm right here guys thanks!) and she points out that i look uncomfortable and he looks at me and goes "what you don't like this?!" (he pulls on my waist harder) and i just put on a stupid smile and say nothing
Then he kisses me
in front of my HR director
I excuse myself and pull away somehow and go sit down next to my fiance shaking
A week later I approach my HR director and she agrees that this particular VP behaved badly and that he has a reputation for doing so. She is going to report it to his boss and that I "have no right to know the results of that conversation"
6 months later I'm promoted to various departments (many hats in this place) and lo-and-behold I'm expected to be an interim assistant to this VP.
So not only did my HR director really not "go to bat" for me, but she told me that whatever was done is none of my business (just like he had no business touching and KISSING ME but whatever) on top of that I'm expected to be his assistant! I mean I can't turn down a promotion the money is great and all I'm learning actually in my field is also amazing-but it means I have to put up with the man that sexually assaulted me. Because my HR director said I can either take the promotion and "deal with it" or not take the promotion and be stuck answering phones.
Seems totally fair right? My body was RESTRAINED and I was KISSED without consent and in order for me to make more money, I simply have to DEAL with communicating with this man on a daily basis.
Even now at various other events my Fiance is on high alert when this individual comes around-my fiance even told me that when this VP gets drunk (he ALWAYS get shit faced at parties) he gets sloppy and starts to 'eye grope me' and a few times my fiance has come over to whisk me away somewhere-without me realizing that i was about to be approached by drunk VP. My fiance even approached the VP several times asking him "oh do you know OkOKayItsAThrowAway? I am her fiance!" and he responds "so?" and drunkenly walks off
So yea this story DOES NOT surprise me. I've had several jobs in the past (hotels, restaursnts) where I've been verbally assaulted and physicall assualted by male coworkers making sexual advances and each time its a slew of excuses (well you were laughing along, well werent you asking for it? maybe you were flirting and didn't know it)
I'm so angry. I'm so scared. This VP and another male coworker have both touched me and both times my HR says its "just who they are" and each time they come around my desk my entire body tightens and i'm on the defensive. I'm nervous, anxious and mostly just afraid of what they will do. Every. Fucking. Day.
Should I speak up? Sure! Will I lose my job? Ehh...most likely. I'm angry but it isn't worth bringing all this up and even more anxiety of everyone hating me or losing my job (and all the stuff i'm learning and resources I've gathered from this job!) I'd rather just deal with my own anxiety/anger than deal with more of it. It's a shitty excuse and I'm a coward absolutely. I applaud any women or men that come forward with confronting their assualter, especially in the work place.
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self.offmychest
|
My uncle's 52 and he's been in prison since he was 18 for possession of marijuana I just wanted to get this off my chest my uncle was the smartest kid he got two strikes one being possession of marijuana the others non violent crimes. His third strike was a combination with his second but they waited until we has 18 too charge him with his third strike. It bothers me that his whole adult life he's been behind bars and now rich white men are cashing in on marijuana becoming legal. The only reason they won't legalize it federally or make it a non criminal offense is because they want all he people is prison for possession of marijuana to die first so they don't have to review the sentences... It's really obvious and I hate what 1980s law enforcement did to him. I just wanted to get this off my chest it really does make m depressed just thinking about it he wasnt a violent person I feel sorry for him.
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self.offmychest
|
How do you prepare for the crash? As I'm starting to notice the pattern in my highs and lows, I'd like to get some insite on how others deal with their crash.
Can you tell when you're starting to fall into a low?
How do you cope with the low?
Do you have a special person you lean on when you feel you're entering a depressive state?
Do you still go to work or do you take time off?
I've been in a state of hypomania for the past month or so. I'm working two jobs. One is part time 24 hours a week at minimum wage. The other is an independent contractor position from home. They send me work when they have it. I haven't had a day off for about two weeks. I know this is setting myself up for failure, but right now my finances are tight so constant work can't be avoided right now.
I know after about another week or two of this I'm probably gonna crash. So I was just cirious what others do to help themselves.
|
self.bipolar
|
Anxiety and work history r/anxiety, I need your help.
This week I applied for a postgraduate program at my university. In doing so, they ask for a letter of recommendation and a cirriculum vitae. I briefly considered not applying at all because my response to problems is avoidance, but I went through with it. I'm growing as a person, or whatever, and I was hoping they wouldn't need them because I'm a current student.
They do need the CV. And I have a problem that perhaps you can help me with.
About seven years ago I left my job and went on a trip to Europe. I still had quite a bit on my savings afterwards so I was sustained for a while but I had a bit of a breakdown the next year and ended up on disability support for a few years.
So here's my problem. I don't know how to express that in a CV. I know that theoretically it's none of their business, but if I don't include it I'll have a massive gap in my employment history. I'm sure someone else must have had to deal with this in the past, so does anyone have any advice? How do I move forward here?
This sort of thing (finding work and my complete failure to do so) is also a major anxiety trigger for me so I'm not having a great time worrying about it.
Thanks
|
self.Anxiety
|
When hard work doesn't pay off... I'll graduating high school this year, and for the past few months, I have been busting my ass to earn the grades to get into university. I study between 5-7 hours a night. I start all my assignments long before the due date. I use my weekends to plan for the next week. I don't procrastinate. I dropped a class half way through the semester to focus on my other three, and I'm actually doing worse. You know that phrase, "Hard work will get you anywhere?" I follow that. And that advice has worked well for me for the past two years, so why the fuck would this year be any different? And this year actually fucking matters.
I don't find the material to be any more of jump from previous years, but when it came to the testing, I can't seem to deliver the answers I know. It's particularly frustrating when I get a test back. I know the material, but the marks that were taken off because I wasn't precise enough, or the I interpreted the question incorrectly. God, especially with math, it's like I forgot how to do everything right before the test. It has never happened to me before.
Right before the break, I almost failed a math test. It was actually the easiest unit, and I aced the quizzes, but I don't know what happened. I couldn't deliver on the test. I almost started to cry when we were writing it.
I keep that mentality, that I'll work harder and do better next time. But when that time actually rolls around, I do worse than before.
I'm okay with getting my ass kicked. But I'm not okay if it happens all the fucking time now.
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self.offmychest
|
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