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Help with hypomania Firstly, i hope everyone had a nice christmas!
So, I have barely sleeping for weeks and had chronic anxiety building leading up to christmas, sort of about being away from home but also due to a guy.
I survived christmas by starting meds again for the first time in months, but they didnt make me sleep either or chill me out so i haved had about 15mg valium a day and a gram of weed.
I need to stop this cocktail but can't afford to see my psychiatrist unless I do a day program at the hospital for 8weeks to see him for free. Ive tried the program twice and it is a waste of my life and i walked out when the facilitator said i had an eating disorder. I dont.
I dont want to take ANY drugs. I just needed to survive christmas and now somehow chill my hypomania. I cant turn to my parent because they think I'm doing great and i like that.
How do you sleep/ control impulses?
Ive tried herbal tea and exercise.
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self.bipolar
|
I have an evil twin brother.... His name is Depression.
He has been with me all time. I am approaching 50 in couple of years and as I look back I see a wasted life and as I look forward I see a poor wretched life waiting for me.
I am on medication. But its not entirely helping me because of my current situation. I am a Post Doc whose terms are coming to an end. Once it ends, since I am a foreigner, I have to leave the country immediately. Meanwhile my very own country turning into a radical millitant country.
I feel like the most unwanted speck of sand on this whole wide world. There's not a place for me to hide, there's not a person to tell me 'dont worry kiddo, it will be all fine'. I am tired of my endless fights and endless defeats. I am tired of being man (to be hones, I am not sure I qualify as a man anymore).
I just do not know why I am continuing on this useless existence. May be that little unrelenting voice in my head, that keeps saying, dont give up---something's gotta give'! But his voice is also becoming feeble day by day.
I have an evil twin brother...and he is taking my life away!
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self.depression
|
Does anyone have the anger won’t go away for long time? Whenever I get pissed off, my anger won’t go away.
*I still remember when my first ex-boyfriend pissed me off when we break up and every night I imagine he is killed.
*I still remember the teacher in my high school told me, no one will accept you in the real world because I’m ugly” Once in a while I send message to high school to fire that teacher.
*I still remember the interviewer of Bloomberg call me stupid. After that in the job fair and I knew Bloomberg is coming, I went there and stay at the booth and tell all the people stop by how the interviewer is bad and treat you like a shit.
Some anger go away in like a year but these angers are long lasting one. Once I pissed off (I won’t pissed off that easily tho), I have to completely beat them up.
Does anyone have same issue?
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self.bipolar
|
Anyone hate the hospital with a passion/would never go back unless it was absolutely necessary? I'm pretty sure they let me go from inpatient because I was literally so annoying about wanting to leave. I was only there for four days because of a depressive semi-psychotic episode. I checked myself out after that because I was literally even more miserable in the hospital than I was outside. I'd break down to the nurses and nearly start screaming about how "I need to get out of here".
For me it was the freedom. If i have to be watched to even go to the bathroom, if I'm never allowed outside and if I'm around people 24/7, I will go absolutely bonkers. And I did.
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self.bipolar
|
Blindsided breakup.. I need help understanding.. Just a few days ago I got blindsided by my now ex-girlfriend of 2.5 years. Everything throughout this relationship was perfect. We were always happy together no matter what. When we talked on the phone, text, or see each other.. we were the most happy. We were both somewhat independent. A few months ago I had to move farther away because of work and she is still in podiatry school. Things became different just because of the distance, but it didn't seem to affect us at all. There were days we didn't speak to each other on the phone, but we understood we were both busy. We never had any problems.... It was the perfect relationship. It is now her winter break and she drove to me to spend time with me. I was so excited to see her, but when I saw her... things were completely different. She didn't want to hug me, she didn't want to kiss me, she didnt even want to be with me. I thought maybe she was in a bad mood and I asked her what was wrong... she said she wanted to break up.
I was in shock. I had completely no idea how this was possible. The only reason she told me was that she just had no feelings for me whatsoever anymore. I understand feelings change... but usually there's an indication that something was wrong. She didn't even have a reason for me. She just said it happened and that's it. She just doesn't want to be with me anymore. I tried to pry any reason I can get out of her. Did she cheat on me? No. Did her friends tell her to do it? No. Did I do anything wrong? No. Was there something I didn't do? No. If i didn't move away would this all be fixed? No. Is she stressed from school? No. She straight up has no idea, but it just happened... and she's just going to go for the break up.
After a bit of talking to her, I realized there is no way I can convince her to figure things out. She told me that she doesn't do serious relationships, but she knew I took relationships seriously. Throughout our relationship, she gave me all the signs that we were going to be serious. She told me she couldn't be without me, she told me she could never be happier without me, she loved me. She believed she was serious too, but apparently she thought wrong. Even after going through so much together the past 2.5 years, she said there is no point in trying to fix it. She said there is nothing to fix. We've never had any bumpy roads in our relationship, and this would be the first time we would have to work something out. But instead, she believed that no relationship is worth trying for and that is the reason for her to pull the trigger.
After that, I was definitely angry. I felt like I was going to regret doing this, but I had to spill my emotions to at least make her regret it. I am a nice guy, sometimes too nice. But I was not going to let her just dump me so easily. I accused her of not caring at all, for lying to me the past 2.5 years, for tricking me. Literally throwing me away like I was a toy that isn't fun anymore. There is absolutely no way I can speak or see her ever again. Yet, she still didn't budge. She just accepted everything I said, and told me that if she can't ever see me or speak to me again then that's what's going to happen. Completely no emotion whatsoever.
I feel completely used. In just a matter of months, we went from the best 2.5 years of my life to completely nothing. I have been telling my friends that she was the most perfect girlfriend I can ever dream of. We have been trying to set up a Christmas party with both of our families just this past week. I truly believed she was the one and never had a doubt. Now that shes gone, I am trying to think of every little thing I could think of that should've warned me about this. She is a shy girl and rarely hung out with my friends. Was that a sign? She said she never did serious relationships when we first started dating. Should I have dumped her right from the beginning? Those days when we didn't talk to each other at all because we were busy. Should that have been a problem?
I really don't get how she can love me one minute, and then want to break up the next minute. I know I have to move on, but I don't know what I could learn from this relationship. It was so perfect. Maybe perfect relationships are bad ones in disguise?
After we were done talking, I walked her out of my apartment and told her this is the last moment she would ever have with me. What tore my heart up the most was that she gave me a sad puppy eyed look when I said she can leave... I knew just from that look she didn't want to do this..but then why did she have to?..
**TL;DR**: After 2.5 years, she broke up with my with no indication whatsoever. Completely just lost feelings for me for no reason at all. Got mad and accused her of wasting the past 2.5 years of my life. Told her that I cannot speak or see her ever again if she goes through with this break up. She still wants to break up. When I told her she can leave and never see me again, I can tell she didn't want to leave..but she still did.
|
self.offmychest
|
If I were to wear a mood ring it would either decay and cease to exist or tighten around my finger until my finger dies out of pity for me Or maybe I'm just being overdramatic
|
self.depression
|
Tremor/Shaking with no med changes So the last n weeks have been a rollercoaster, a few days ago people told me I was yet again displaying signs of mania (and sleep was also getting bad). I normally take 200mg of Seroquel for sleep but I had been authorized for up to 400mg. Since 200mg hadn't worked the night before I took 400, and while I managed to fall asleep I was wide awake an hour later, so I took another 200 totalling 600 (which resulted in shitty on and off sleep). That is the only med change I have made.
Besides that I have been feeling a lot calmer and in control yesterday and today (and last night I only took 400 and managed to sleep all night), and people have even pointed out my speech has slowed down and that I am acting rationally.
However I am still having trouble eating. I am also exercising intensely again. I don't feel anxious but I have noticed a tremor in my hands today and shaking yesterday.
Has anyone experienced this?
Again my only med change was two nights ago I took 200 more mg of Seroquel than I had been authorized/been using before.
Edit: managed to eat a full, calorie rich food, with protein and fats and complex carbs. Tremor has noticeably decreased.
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self.bipolar
|
I'm insecure Hey there. I will start talking about who I am and what's going on. I'm a dude that's been in a relationship with another dude for about 3 years now.
We've had our ups and downs of course, but we've been quite alright for a year or so now. Or at least we were? You see, we like to be with other guys. I'm talking about threesomes. We think they are good fun. A couple of months ago we met this dude from the Netherlands. I don't want to go into details but I didn't really participate much, not because I didn't want to, but because I wasn't really given the opportunity.
People see my boyfriend as the cute one (and he is) but I don't think it had ever bothered me that much before... I felt unwanted that night, and I still haven't shaken that feeling off. I have been struggling very much with my self esteem to the point where I doubt if I want to be with him because of how ugly I feel compared to him sometimes. And I'm constantly being compared to him by guys on Grindr, on Instagram, etc. He always gets more attention. I feel childish that I'm complaining about this but really I don't know what else to do.
Yeah I've talked to him but I don't think he's to blame. I have struggled with my self-esteem for a long time, ever since I can remember, and I thought I was getting better but then this tripped me off so bad. I don't know what to do.
Thanks for your time.
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self.offmychest
|
Does cold weather help some people? Yesterday after being home all day and feeling tired and depressed I walked outside late at night to really cold weather and wind and I almost felt reinvigorated. I walked around for a while and everything just felt different for the rest of the night. I really don't know how to explain it. Now of course I woke up this morning still feeling like shit, but maybe the cold is something that helps some people? I've heard about cold showers being good too. Any thoughts?
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self.depression
|
Super fit turned cripple I'm 6'6 and a fit 245lb. Or I was. Apparently I have degenerative disc disorder and my spine is garbage now. Had surgeries and pins and disc replacements put in, but because I'm tall and heavy, even though it was all muscle, the discs are all going to keep breaking.
I can live with the pain and even, surprisingly, the prospect of becoming bed bound for the rest of my life eventually.
What I can't take is watching my family deal with it all. I used to be the solution to problems. Need something moved, I got you. Need a house repair done, I'm your man. Need... you get the idea, I was highly capable.
Now I'm the problem. My parents just retired and how do they spend their golden years? worrying about me. Helping me when I should be helping them.
My girlfriend is an angel, but I think she's getting a bad deal. She's young and still has her looks and I feel like she should look for someone else while she still can.
It's a total realignment of who I am, my identity. Throw me into a jungle and I would come out the other side with cool stories and a smile on my face... today my girlfriend had to help me walk to the bathroom on her lunch break.
I know other people have it harder than me and at least I had 30 years of near invincibility.
I just don't know what I can do to ease it for other people. I've ever seen my dad have pity in his eyes or my mother sigh as if there is nothing left she can expect from me.
Total identity death. I'm not suicidal but I do think it would have been easier for them if I had died. I took enough risks in life that its amazing I'm still alive as it is. It would have been cleaner and easier on everyone.
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self.depression
|
If I'm having a hard time, I likely won't say anything about it. If I even briefly allude to it, it has reached the point of being unbearable. Just because I don't talk about it doesn't mean I'm not struggling. I wish more people could understand that.
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self.depression
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I feel like a piece of garbage that's been thrown away [deleted]
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self.depression
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Discombobulated And I can't figure out which one of my issues is causing this? PTSD? PCOS? Lyme? All of the above?
Lamictal is making me super itchy to the point where I feel like I have to inspect for bugs! I haven't seen any...no one who's visited has seen any. I've asked. It's just me and my brain and we're not doing so well right now.
But that's not what I wanted to start out with...
My head feels heavy. My brain feels like it's clogged and I've been less social lately. I can't concentrate. Too many thoughts are going around and seconds later I forget what I was just trying to remember, dammit.
I am an onion. I hate spring. Make it go away.
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self.bipolar
|
Thank you, don't come to my funeral. I don't know why I thought anyone might ever care when the cold reality is that no one ever does and the harsh truth just slapped me hard in the face. My best friend and I were out for a walk, talking about everyday stuff and how we're both doing pretty bad in university.
"I'm probably gonna drop out," I said. "and end up killing myself."
"Me too, economically."
"No, I mean kill myself as in die and get buried six feet underground."
"Uh why are you suddenly talking like that?"
"Been thinking about it since I was fifteen."
"That's really weird. You're super weird."
Silence.
Continues to talk about other meaningless shit in his life, as if I didn't just fucking admit to wanting to commit suicide.
No "are you okay", no "if you need anyone to talk to I'm here", *no "please don't do it"*, no nothing.
Yeah, I don't even know why I bother anymore. People don't care about me when I'm alive, they sure as hell won't care when I'm dead either.
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self.depression
|
dating someone else who is bipolar... is it a good idea? Experiences? I recently saw a new therapist and I was describing how none of my relationships work because of the intensity of my emotions. I have struggled for two years trying to find someone after a long term boyfriend said he had doubts about us having children because of my bipolar. He couldn't trust that I would do my best off my meds when we were ready for children and marriage. I had been fairly stable for five years while I was with him. When I described this to my therapist she suggested I should find someone who also has bipolar. I am a 27 and a woman, where the heck am I going to find a guy who is bipolar and in my age group who even lives close??I have been thinking about what she had said to me for weeks now. Does anyone have any experience or suggestions? I would love to hear stories and opinions.
Take care everyone <3
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self.bipolar
|
Recovery is hell In my attempt to recover I found a new level of anxiety, sadness and fury I never knew. I thought I was fine but really it comes on so fast, this sensation of pure failure is just pulling through me. You can't fix this. Turns out it doesn't help. It just adds fuel to the fire. It's all about asking for help. You do it and no one mentions how hard it is beyond that point. You expect that to be the toughest part. All of the tactics I don't understand. The overanalysing of my mind. What is self loathing and what is self judgement? What is truth or lies? You feel hideous inside and out. Why don't you understand? Can't you try harder to fight this? If you were smarter you'd get better. You're blind to the truth. Maybe you are better off not being here if you're not going to commit to this. Then the frustration. If you didn't exist you wouldn't have to deal with that problem. But you can't do it. Wimp. Now you're stuck here waiting and waiting, and stagnating. Physically feeling the pain and spinning ball of frustration. You want to throw things. It'll do nothing. Isolating yourself. Dealing with things you don't want to. Bureaucracy. Wishing your life away. Watching it go up in flames with no strength or patience to do anything. It's your fault you don't understand the diagram on a piece of paper that explains your thought pattern. There's no line between peace and hate, you're meant to do that yourself. No one tells you how. Practice self respect. It's a joke. But in trying to gain power you lose it. You become less than you were before. The crushing overwhelming permanence of your suffering. Every day lying, and failing at that too. The only relief is the momentary moments pretending I don't need to do something just imagining I won't be alive long enough for it to matter. But I will, of course and it'll suck.
And I can't tell anyone without looking like a whinger that needs pity.
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self.depression
|
Very concerned for my 25yo brother with major depression My brother has been living with our parents for over two years since graduating from a rigorous art school. Over this period he's gradually become less active, to the point that he now almost never leaves the house unless being driven by our mother to a psychiatry appointment. He's also become less sociable, going from volunteer work soon after graduating, to only interacting with his family, to now refusing to talk to our parents. Meltdowns have started sometime this year and are becoming more frequent, with him now putting holes in his wall and, on at least one occasion, punching himself in the head while screaming and crying.
Our parents have tried just about everything ranging from outpatient group therapy, to frequent medication/dosage changes, to PEMF therapy with zero success. They're now openly discussing taking such actions as placing him in a group home.
I'm really scared for him and feel completely helpless as, other than inviting him out once a week with my roommate (which he almost always rejects) there's nothing else I can do. I'm convinced that things will get really out of hand by Christmas and he'll be institutionalized.
What, if anything, should I do?
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self.depression
|
Got told to "man up" and face my problems alone today My only friend got tired of dealing with me telling her about my depression problems and she told my sorta-kinda-used-to-be-friends-doesn't-really-talk-to-me-too-much-anymore-friend and he told me to man up and stop bothering her with my problems. Like didn't offer to help nothing. I feel so alone like I wanna get help and I'm in the process of doing it but things take time they're processing my application for a doctor to refer me to a professional and until that happens I just need someone and now I have no one. I'm really scared idk what to do
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self.depression
|
Anybody else want to do it, but overwhelmed by wrapping up the details so as not to leave a burden? Lifelong depressed, family history of Bipolar and Schizo. Hit my 40's and I'm just......... so tired. Tried the good (doctors/pills) and the bad (booze/pills), nothing worked, just super bored and tired, feel like I've stayed too long at a party I didn't even want to attend. There's the super emotional, out-of-their-mind, jump-in-front-of-a-train situation, but I am more the super tired, sardonic, numb, detached, laughing at how stupid it all is, calculating-how-to-end-the-pain-and-boredom kind.
Anyway, none of that is debatable and nothing anyone can type on an internet page is going to change that. My question is, am I the only one who wants to actually tie things up neatly so as not to cause a big headache for everyone when I go? Like, I need to give notice at my apartment, throw away/donate EVERYTHING I don't care about, carefully sort and wrap and label everything I want to give to whomever. I have stuff in storage that needs to be paid for until someone cares enough to go sort through it. I have a big roster of clients for whom I've completely managed their entire careers, so I feel like I need to organize all their assets and make them easily available to whomever picks up after me (maybe put it all in Dropbox-es?). I'd wanted to wait till my parents died, they've had a really rough road with my two complete fuckup brothers (I was the 'perfect one' HA!) and when I go, all their houses and business will fall into the laps of alcoholic idiots. Not much I can do about that, I guess...
Anyway, all that is to say, there's just SO MUCH to do... I get (even more) exhausted thinking about it. I don't believe that I will "go on" in any spiritual way after death, I'm an atheist. But I'm not an asshole, and I know my loved ones will "go on" after I die, and I don't want to leave a big mess. DAMN IT, why can nothing be simple?! I wish there was a service to take care of all this... I posted this late last night, but it was too late and only one person saw it.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
One thing I get scared about with suicide is what happens next. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Why do i exsist? I've started to become numb. I don't enjoy being around people like i used to, i'm extremely shy and i fucking hate myself for it. Would it just be easier to kill myself? I've been abused so much in my life, i've been thrown away like paper when people finally decided to get to know me. If i'm that bad of a person i think it's better if i just cut a blood line.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
It feels like I won't be here much longer, and I don't know why. Today, as I was about to look for christmas presents, I realized I had thought something weird. I had decided it wasn't worth getting presents, if I die soon anyway. I often want to die, that's no secret, but I usually don't think about not doing things because I could've killed myself by the time they'd become relevant. It really freaks me out, knowing that my mind is at a point where it considers making purchases and other decisions, based on my „internal life expectancy“.
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self.depression
|
Holy hell I'm so alone. I walk around life on the verge of tears because I have no one to share it with. I don't want to bear this anymore, but there is no one.
I don't think anyone can help unless you live in CA. But perhaps someone understands.
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self.depression
|
I lost my job. Having worked for 2 years I have seemed to have lost interest. I was doing well but after a mental breakdown and time off I couldn't cope working not even a few hours. Just lost interested or maybe I'm just lazy.
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self.offmychest
|
Is it normal for your personality to change entirely when you're depressed? I used to be a social butterfly and really outgoing but ever since I became depressed, now I'm just a recluse and I'm quiet and never talk to anyone nor do I want to. I just never want to socialize.
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self.depression
|
Finding it hard to keep going to work. I've been constantly employed since I turned 16, so this is really hard for me. I have a job as an assistant manager at a convenience store. I've had anxiety for years but I've never had it become an issue with my job until now.
I find it harder and harder to last a full shift at work without a severe panic attack. It's hard to me to even leave my house. I keep doing it because I need money to live, but my coworkers and my employer are getting tired of me. I try not to let my anxiety show at work, but often times I get an attack so bad that I can't stand or see straight, which obviously inhibits my ability to perform my job duties.
I don't want to quit my job and become a recluse, but I have no idea how to control this. I take celexa and lamictal but it doesn't seem to be helping. I'm not sure what to do. I'm actually in he bathroom panicking as we speak. I wish I could go home.
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self.Anxiety
|
Can u have anxiety attacks without elevated pulse/heart rate/tight chest ? Every few days I start having a sudden feeling of dizziness followed by yawning and irritability. Lasts 2-3 hours.
Can this be an anxiety/panic attack ?
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self.Anxiety
|
Please someone just fucking end it!!! I'm as worthless as it gets. Where the fuck do I even begin!? Let's see, for starters, I'm a 20 year old male who's done nothing with his life since finishing high school. I don't have my drivers license, I don't have my ID, I have never worked a job. I haven't got the slightest fucking clue what I want to do with my life. I have little to no life skills. I struggle with really bad depression, social anxiety, and codependency. My depression just ends up burdening my friends and causing them to give up and abandon me. My social anxiety is so bad at times that it makes interacting with people damn near fucking impossible. Seriously, even something as trivial as going to the movies or interacting with someone at a register makes me so fucking anxious. I get stressed and anxious easily. It feels like my mind just likes to fucking torture itself. In the past couple of years, I've pushed away so many friends with my depression, and I'm so tired of it.
You want to know what I've been doing since finishing high school? Not a goddamned productive thing. I've been in my room the vast majority of the time. Why? Because I have no fucking life skills and get anxiety over the most trivial of social tasks. Hell, it's a fucking miracle I even finished high school. I wanted to give up at so many times. Hell I remember this one time around sophomore year when I had a knife to my throat and told my dad I wanted to die... And he didn't even take me seriously. Want to know what he said? "god wouldn't like that". Motherfucker that's the last thing I wanted to hear!!! My dad has never understood my depression or why I would want to kill myself. He doesn't understand "what I have to be depressed about".he doesn't fucking understand that depression is a serious mental illness!!! He's always been one of those super over protective parents. I pretty much spent my entire teenage years in my prison, oops I mean my room. Whenever I got out of school, I was never allowed to hang out with friends or anything, I had to come straight home. The guy never let me or tried to get me to do anything on my own. He just fucking smothered me and was overprotective of me instead of teaching me important life skills or letting me have some freedom. So I've spent pretty much my entire life more or less In my room fucking miserable.
This year, I got my first girlfriend ever, and recently I've managed to fuck that up too. Not surprising because I tend to ruin any good thing that happens to me in life.
Ugh I could go on and a lot further into detail about stuff but what the fuck is the point!? I'm just so fucking tired of living. I'm tired of being a burden to people. I'm tired of being so fucking worthless. I'm tired of being me. I just want a quick and painless death. That's all I fucking want!!!
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self.SuicideWatch
|
has anyone gotten severe chest pain from anxiety? I've been having pretty bad chest pain throughout the day/night the past couple of weeks. I've gotten a couple of tests done and things have came back all in normal ranges, although my doctor wants me to see a cardiologist this week. She thinks it can be from anxiety, but just wants me to be safe and rule out anything major. So has anyone had pretty severe, lingering chest pain from anxiety? Even at times you're not feeling anxious?
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self.Anxiety
|
I Fucking Suck at Conversation. I can't talk to anyone to save my life. Like, I have horrible anxiety and overthink things to the point where I'm late responding because I'm typing and deleting and editing everything I say.I'm absolutely shit at small talk, and on how to keep a conversation going. Like, even with people I've known forever, this is an issue, to say nothing about strangers I am interested in wanting to get to know better. I myself am bland and boring so there's not a lot there.
I'm trying to have a text conversation with someone I'm interested in getting to know, and every response they send I freeze up on, and blank out with nothing to say. And when I do respond, it's a general statement that adds nothing to the conversation, and is pretty meaningless besides. They stopped talking to me, and tbh, I can't even blame them. *I* wouldn't talk to me.
Fuck, why am I just so fucking *awkward*?
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self.offmychest
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Why was I left out of the wanting to live after a suicide attempt parade? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I often think about killing myself so that my genetics won't live on Around 85% of my problems are genetic, bad brain chemistry from birth. Why should my genes live on, then? Won't that help future generations?
I know this sounds harsh and is. I know that people on here have the same genetic problems that I have. I'm telling those people to have these thoughts nor are wrong for not having these views. I'm just trying to ask a question to a group that I hope will understand where I'm coming from.
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self.bipolar
|
I dislocated my knee ~6 weeks ago and my thigh has atrophied to a point where I’ve lost over an inch of muscle and I cannot lift my leg from a lying down position. It’s starting to really effect my mood and make my ADHD worse from lack of exercise due to lack of mobility. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Why did I get drunk as fuck the night before my midterm? Is it because I'm depressed and I don't give a fuck about school? Is it becasue I'm using my depression to rationalize not having to study bc im a lazy fuck? but of course thats a symptom of depression. i just don't know anymore because sometimes i wonder if i'm exaggerating my depression to get myself out of responsibilities, fuck man. wish me luck tomorrow i ugess
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self.depression
|
Bipolar 2 Long story short i was feeling horrible for awhile and while in this stage i asked myself wth is wrong with me as i have had episode of rage the days where i wouldn’t get out of bed. So i decided to see my md and told him how I’m feeling. Mood swings,anger,rage i felt I’d lose my family if i didn’t go and talk to anyone so he started me in Seroquel. I did my research on it before i started i was hesitant at first but am now on a very low dosage and i have been feel normal again the little things don’t set me off.
Please share your stories. I’d appreciate it.
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self.bipolar
|
Only one person can destroy you in life... Its not family and its not friends. Its the person you let in, the person you share everything about yourself. The person you share you soul with. In the end that person will be the one that destroys you because only they have seen you fully and decided that you wasnt worth it.....
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self.depression
|
Disappointment with humanity as a source for depression Just wondering if this contributes to anyone's depression/loneliness? I just can see so many opportunities for humanity, so many ways we could be doing things better, so many stupid, foolish ideas that hold us back as a species. Makes me think I was born several hundred years too early. Marooned in the 21st century.
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self.depression
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i just started taking vraylar. what are you guys' experiences with it? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Poem I wrote Relentlessly trudging through the muck, I will persevere,
Putrid foggy fumes weigh heavy, stifling thick damp air.
Mangled twisted wretched vines, thorns dig deep in tender skin,
Ripping, tearing at the flesh, each step begs not again,
But the journey must go on, this painful trek to be my own,
Forever bound in treacherous solitude, but somehow not alone.
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self.depression
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I've got a plan TLDR at the beginning because fuck me that text is way longer than I expected it to be; I’m probably going to kill myself tomorrow night. Via bleeding to death in a bathtub. If a miracle happens at the concert I’ll be seeing before I’ll commit suicide, let’s say I make a new circle of friends or even meet a girl which is interested in me, I’ll maybe think about it. But all in all,- I just want to leave this fucking planet once and for all.
Over the course of the last few months my life has made a few heavy and impactful unexpected turns. A brief overview,- I’m your usual 18 year old outsider who sucks at socialising and isn’t good with girls. Currently I’m attending commercial high school and will graduate in 1 ½ years. I think about suicide, killing others and dying in general daily and cried out for help multiple times,- I wasn’t heard.
The first thing that got me to spiral down into what I believe is not depression but just utter solitude, anger, angst, fear and sadness are my parents. One day, we’re the perfect family, no not the other day, the other 364 days a year it’s a fucking shithole. I quit ice hockey because I grew tired of it. Parents take the absolute piss. I dyed my hair black and bleach-blonde half a year later and tried various styles out. I get yelled at, my dad ignored me and just despised me for that time. I see myself slipping in high school and what do I get? Support? Comfort? Hell no, I get yelled at, made fun of and get told that I’m an absolute idiot and a failure. By my own fucking parents. The perfect parent-son relationship, right? The fact that my sister who’s three years older than me and basically did everything right in her life and is now the poster child doesn’t make it any better.
Fasten your seatbelts, ladies and gentlemen, here’s the next part of why I want to fucking kill myself. I’ve never had a girlfriend or even something remotely close to that. I tried dating and actually met a few decent girls, one of which I almost started a relationship with,- but then found out that she was just mentally abusing me to get me to buy her things and serve as an attention-giver. Great. Since then I couldn’t function properly anymore in terms of talking to people. I’ve got the feeling that whatever I say or express,- they just…do not really care. I feel ugly, mentally and physically even though I know it’s not true. The few friends I have tell me I’m decent looking. I don’t hate my looks either but it just feels like that everyone I don’t know, especially girls and women think that I’m not attractive at all.
All of this,- you might wonder: “Well everyone goes through this.” That might be true. But people recover from it. I…absolutely didn’t. The incident with the girl who emotionally and mentally abused me now lies 2 and a half years back and it’s still holding me down. I still think about that person almost daily and how I could’ve probably reached a happy ending in that part of my life. I haven’t had a circle of good friends for four years now. The people in which I take interest in seem to not even care that I seem interested. E.G. that one time at a comic con, one of the few social gatherings I actually do attend because I’m a huge bloody nerd, I casually talked to a, in my eyes, cute girl. We had conversations about various comics, video games and movies. When we were to say goodbye, I asked for her number. She just gave me a weird look, shook her head while cringing and said “…nooo.” and walked away. In my head I was like “Hey, alright…I guess I’ll just go fuck myself then?” swiftly looked through everything, bought what I wanted and headed home again. Could’ve been a cool day but that incident was just enough for me to assume that I’m a failure of mankind that can’t even socialise properly.
I feel like I’m an alien from another planet. I can’t seem to fit in, not even in my sort of thing which would be the alternative, grunge and rock genre of people. I can’t seem to get accepted for what I am by my own parents. I’m literally unable to initiate a relationship, and fuck me I crave one so bad. I’ll probably end up dropping out of high school because I can’t focus on school. Then…I don’t even know. Then I’ll probably jump in front of a train. And to not go through all of this absolute bullshit of a path that will lead to my death I decided to make a plan. I’m going to end my life.
This weekend I’m going to be attending a concert from one of my favourite grunge/rock bands. My parents won’t be returning until Monday morning. I don’t give a shit if I’m shy or socially awkward, I’ll just do it since that’s the last thing I want to do before I die. Just rock out, drink, smoke and have a blast,- basically going out with a bang. Maybe I’ll meet people there, maybe even a nice girl. But at this point I don’t even care. Maybe I do. I don’t know. It really depends on what happens tomorrow. One last time I will try to spark up conversations with people, mostly girls and try to get affection,- I can’t remember the last time I felt accepted, was hugged or even loved. When it’s over and everybody’s going home, I’ll head to the train station, catch the train which will take me home and listen to my favourite music while staring out the window as if I was in a sad music video,- who doesn’t love to do that? At home, I’ll wait until the bathtub is filled to the brink with hot water. I always thought that cutting ones wrists is one of the most…well let’s say weirdest and most beautiful ways to go out. Just thinking about your life in those last few minutes you have until you bleed out must be sad and beautiful at the same time. That all the hassle, that pain and the regret is at an end.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I want somebody to help I had just started a new job and within a matter of days I was signed off for a month for depression and anxiety. It is coming to the end of that month and I still don't feel ready to go back. I feel like such a failure. I'm so frustrated that I can't just get on with it and be like everyone else. I am becoming a burden on my boyfriend who's patience is about to run out. Each day my bank account trickles away acting like a time bomb on how long I can live like this. I just wish somebody could help.
I feel like maybe working from home could be an answer but it is not a feasible one. How could I work from home when I haven't even properly been trained? I feel like I'm on the edge of losing everything and there is no clear path on how to make things right.
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self.depression
|
What is better to take long term: abilify or benzodiazepines? What is the better choice?
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self.depression
|
Does anyone else feel lonely but not want to hang out with anyone? It makes me so sad. I feel like such a crappy friend. I feel so low all the time and have people wanting to hang out with me, but I just don't want to hang out with them. It makes me feel terrible. I only have like 2 friends I actually like hanging with and the others feel like they're just shoving their baggage on me. I'm always the "happy" friend but it's one big lie and I'm tired of it.
I'm sick of being asked to hang out because I feel bad making up lies. I've dropped a few "friends" after getting tired of making up excuses but then everyone gets mad at me! I don't know how to win and just want to be left alone.
I told a few friends that I needed a break to myself and a bunch got super mad(I guess I understand though) and then a few others still text me every week.......even though I asked nicely to be left alone! I will purposely not charge my phone just so it will die so I won't have to deal with it. My phone gives me so much anxiety. One of my friends told me I should just get a therapist and still hang out with her....like not understanding that it's not an easy fix and that she is part of the problem. I can't take listening to her boyfriend and family problems anymore!! She thinks I'm being a bad friend for telling her I can't listen to the SAME stories over and over again giving advice that she NEVER takes 🙈. I have my own problems too!!
Idk guys, am I being unreasonable?! It just feels like a lot of stuff is going on in my head and that I need to sort through it all before I take on other people's drama.
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self.depression
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I hate myself so much I can't stand to be here any longer I truly can't bear it I can't stop crying [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Feeling so lonely and devoid of closeness that even being sexually assaulted sounds okay [deleted]
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self.depression
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What am I supposed to live for? I honestly have nothing I can be passionate about. I lose interest in about everything with the thought that it won't amount to anything in the first place. I get bored with too many details, and get into a depressive slump constantly.
I know for a fact that I'm average intelligence, so there's no point in aiming for anything intellectual (because what can I even come up with? A smarter person than me will come up with 10 ideas on the spot). I probably can't do anything creative for a similar reason as before. I have terrible hand-eye coordination. I have barely any social skills, so it's not like I have people in my life to abide my time with. Too afraid to start a business. Too afraid to travel (I hate airplanes). Never go out due to lack of friends. Get bored reading books since 1/2 seem to be too dumb for me and the other 1/2 difficult for me to understanding, so I give up.
I'm pretty plain looking and not willing to have casual sex, so there's no way I can participate in the current "hookup" culture and find a mate.
I'm also sincerely jealous of people who are religious. I can't bring myself to believe in God no matter how much I try. I also fail at being Buddhist or follow any path with diligence since I get back into my depressive modes and give up. I accept the fact that I'll always be depressed and selfish, and can't just use other's suffering as a way to boost myself up and not feel bad all the time.
I just don't know what to do anymore. Can't afford a therapist at the moment since parents aren't doing too well financially.
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self.depression
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On meds again... Now I'm not suicidal anymore... Still wish I was dead though.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Tired of struggling all my life I dont know where to begin. I never had supportive or caring family, I was depressed from a young age, always struggling.. On my own since a young teenager, living with boyfriends or room mates, I saw family and people destroy their lives with bad decisions and knew I didnt want to be like them, I made good choices, I didnt do drugs, sleep around or get pregnant. I worked while still going to school, it was hard but I managed, without any support structure (but I had a great doctor and medication helped)
I'm now 32, single for 4 years, had 3 boyfriends but the last one was becoming quite abusive, I finally got a good job and was supporting him for a year while he sat at home, cheated on me and just thought up whatever he could to fight with me when I got home.
I dont open up easily or date just to date, I've tried to date a few men over the last 4 years but they turn out to be assholes that just use me. Even 2 I let out of the friendzone. I think maybe I'm too nice, I've been hurt alot, my family doesnt even care to try to have a relationship with me, not unless they need money. I'm so alone. All the time for years, holidays alone, I only have a cat. I have few close friends and I try not to burden them and I have a hard time opening up.
Now it feels like my job if falling apart, I work really hard but I have an unsupportive supervisor that tells me he doesnt have time for me, and my last year review I was late once and someone complained I was on my cellphone. Thats it and he refuses to work on my development, puts me down wherever he can and tell me I'm not good enough at my job. I made one mistake this year that he was extremely condescending and sarcastic while speaking to me about it and then proceed to say I'm always messing up. I ask for specific nd he just says "amung other things" and cant provide me any examples. Its infuriating and disheartening. Then another supervisor came onto me, I didnt feel the same way and I was afraid for my job, I tried to let him down easy... but now I'm not being given any opportunities I'm always told no, no one wants to work with me and my job was all I had and I'm so tired of struggling. I've almost killed myself before and I dont know why I keep holding on. Like I have some stupid hope things will get better but its been 2 decades and its not. and I really try, I'm tired of getting shit on and mistreated and used because of the way I look. No one had even told me they loved me in years. Its just over for me. Im really tired of trying and dont want to feel like this anymore. And theres so much more thats negatively impacted my life.
Even if no ones read this, at least I got it out.
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self.depression
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I need help with a personal issues regarding a past teacher of.mine so I'm currently 18 graduated from high school, anyways my freshman year of hs I had this science teacher and it was an ordinary class. but ever since I graduated the teacher added me on a social media and was cool saying he just wanted to be friends, so I agreed that it seems a bit weird from my perspective but if he wants to I'm OK with it. but ever since he has continuously flirts with Me. I have told him I don't drive that side of the highway and he agreed to chill but still he persist. saying some pretty truly shocking things. such as me dress up as spiderman and hang out with him at his house and "be the boss". I hope you can read in between the lines because I wish I. couldn't. he hs said some pretty incredible things for being a high school teacher taking to a student. but he hasn't said anything explicit enough to force me to day something. there's more I can say if need be. so I decided to stop talking to him all together and it's been 3 days and this 30+ year old man. Still he messages me. and on his story he cries out to "someone to Reach out to him and how it hurts ". and Im conflicted on what I should do. can someone give me advice on how to approach this situation?
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self.offmychest
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Problems communicating Ever since I experienced psychosis during mania (6 months ago) I’ve had problems socializing and getting my flow back. I was extra social during my episode which I heard is common but now it seems I can’t even get back to normal. I find myself having to think pretty hard before actually talking where as before it just came naturally. I searched on Reddit but I couldn’t find anyone who’s been in the same situation. It’s like some sort of brain fog.
Has anyone here gone through the same? If so, has it gotten better? I’m scared that I’ll be stuck like this permanently...
Edit: I’m on lamotrigine and abilify
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self.bipolar
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Dating fucking sucks. I do NOT want A relationship, do you know why? Because, people under the age of 30 don't know how to treat people, and internalize A bunch of bullshit and everybody is so hopped up on their stupid ego that its sickening.
So, I just want to have fun. But you know something? It NEVER goes well. . . EVER.
It always sucks and I know the problem is me and I'm fucking sick of this.
The last girl I saw? After 2 dates and kisses, she ignores me on Thanksgiving and 2 days later gives me the long: "I think we should be just friends." text. WHAT?!
then there was the girl I met on Tinder, A sultry remark I made made her feel uncomfortable, and now she wants to delay our rendezvous if THAT ever happens.
The girl I met in the gym? The girl I was SURE liked me, fucking ALL of the signs pointed to it. The pitch of her voice, the way she touched my knee today, the way she laughed and how much she told me about herself, then when I move in to kiss her the way I did the previous girl, she reels back, makes the same face of disgust and discomfort as that **** who rejected me in the gym that one time and just couldn't give A straight answer so she kept making faces in hopes that I went away. and says I was being weird. The FUCK?!
She answers my texts like lightspeed, and just when I'm convinced she's not interested in meeting up she texts ME that she has free time to meet up and we meet up.
The attractive girls on Tinder want NOTHING To do with me.
And you know something? Despite my friends telling me how good my body looks, how good I look? I know its bullshit, because of COURSE your friends would tell you this.
The worst part is? I can't really talk to anyone about it, because everyone under the age of 25 has this stupid boner for romance, I'd just be some heartless pick up artist to them. Well I WISH I was, because you know something? If these girls think I'm going to go through ALL of this pain, ALL of this rejection, all of this UNDULATION OF MY self worth? They have another thing coming.
Like what do I have to do to actually have sex? How much more optimistic do I have to be 99% of the time? How much flirtier do I have to be?! How much more do I have to just laugh off the rejections? How many more muscles do I have to get or good clothes to "demonstrate higher value" ? No seriously, fuck this high value bullshit. Fuck it to hell. I'm so SICK of the word "Value" its shallow, its stupid its broad and these idiots wouldn't know value if it bit them in the ass.
Tons of friends, incredibly optimistic (when not on reddit and upset behind closed doors) smiles, has A fucking 6 pack, goes to parties, gets good grades, has the fucking beard, the dog, the car, more confidence than I know what to do with, what the hell more do I need?
You know what ? This is bullshit. I'm just sick of girls, but I know myself. I'll be mad as hell tonight, sleep it off and be ready to subject myself to the same punishment again tomorrow.
I can't wait until this actually starts working, I just wanna see people who would have put me through the same shit hurt the way I am once I cut them off.
Hello, world! I tried.
I told myself that I wouldn't let myself fall to the cycle.
Good guy becomes asshole creates B-word creates asshole.
Well fuck it.
I'm sick and tired of being sick and tired and I'm sick and tired of being the only one hurting even when I'm smiling or standing tall.
I'm sick of people continuously disrespecting me and trying to put me down or just throw me aside for stupid reasons.
You want A sociopathic pick up artist? You're gonna get one.
Maybe not today.
Maybe not tomorrow, but every time I can feel something in me being scraped away.
I feel less and less.
Eventually there won't be any care for you girls and your feelings left.
And I can't fucking wait until that day comes.
As men we're told lowkey that our suffering doesn't matter. people tell us : "Of course it matters~" sweet words, but no one respects a man who complains, no one respects A man who acts vulnerable before they are convinced he is invincible.
We're taught that if we can't take no for an answer then we aren't good men, we are just "nice guys" but I would LOVE to see women step into our shoes for even A nano second. Always horny and always attracted to people who are so full of themselves, or so meek and somehow always seeing the good in them, and being calm and rational if they reject us even when it hurts even when they make faces of disgust at our advances or our attempts.
We go home wondering what we did wrong, they brag to their friends.
I feel very little anymore when it comes to girls, but I can't wait until I feel nothing.
Because then comes the fun part.
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self.offmychest
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I don’t think I can have sex ever again [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Feeling dizzy and lightheaded, taking short breaths and feel slightly nauseous. All for no reason. I have anxiety, and occasionally, I have panic attacks, but usually something external triggers it. I'm experiencing symptoms of a panic attack, but nothing has happened. I'm trying to figure out what's going on. Has anybody else had something like this happen before?
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self.Anxiety
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I'm just so unhappy I don't know what to do. Trying to deal with a loss this past year has completely broken my heart. And I'm so down and lonely. I have a lot to be thankful for: a good job, friends, family. It just isn't enough right now. I should be looking forward to a new year, excited about this fresh start in front of me, but I'm just... not.
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self.offmychest
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phase: nothingness grade 7 was the first time I told a friend through text: "i don't know i just have this feeling, as if the world might end... but i don't care."
thought it was some good ol' angsty young teen bullshit that everyone goes through but that feeling wouldn't cease to linger for many more years after that.
first came the episodes of constant sadness, a feeling of on and off cry for help. moving schools and losing my only close friend through a pointless fight didn't help either. that was grade 9.
then came the exhaustion and anxiousness. always too tired to do anything would lead to unfinished assignments, rushed homework, and unhappy teachers... so came lots and lots of anxiety.
then came the self-hatred and search for release. some self-harm, feelings of insanity and losing my grip on normal behavior and emotions.
and finally the nothingness. the numbness and the emptiness where there's absolutely *nothing.*
laying in bed feeling nothing and wondering when a whole week of break had gone by. i don't have the energy to meet with friends in person, or reach out to them. not fully concerned about whether my relationships are deteriorating or not. want to relax but thinking about how time keeps creeping away frightens me but that fear just makes me depressed and i want to solve that by laying down and doing nothing. have been crawling back into the same bed with (kicked off sheets) for the entire week. going to sleep feels boring, but staying up seems boring. everything just feels. like. nothing.
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self.depression
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How do I know whether I am pushing myself too hard or procrastinating due to anxiety? When it comes to hobbies and things I do for fun, you would think I would be enjoying them fully but I actually have a lot of anxiety over those things. I have lots of things I want to do and obviously I can’t do them all at the same time, but I usually end up just playing video games and only occasionally making progress on them which stresses me out because I have all these things I want to do but I have no idea if I’m pushing myself too much or if I’m procrastinating too much and I can’t figure out how to tell which is which because it’s all in my head so to speak. It’s really frustrating when you can’t tell if you’re doing something or not.
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self.Anxiety
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Happy Humpday!! you've made it half way through the week, you are doing amazing!!
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self.bipolar
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30/m anyone around my age or older wanna voice chat Awkward silences are better than nothing.
I have depression, anxiety and I'm lonely.
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self.depression
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Already drunk all alone on a Friday, as usual. My room mate got a boyfriend back in mid-October, and since then she is rarely ever home. We used to do stuff together on Friday nights (other nights too), but now she never comes home anymore, because she works late and goes to his house instead.
I don't have any other friends that are nearby, or willing to hang out with me even if they were. Lonely drunken nights are long.
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self.depression
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I need a friend I need someone to hang out with. I dont know what to do though. I had someone close to me for a long time but my depression messed with their life and theyve shut me out and I'm back on my own. Just want a friend.
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self.depression
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Let's just say.... If you woke up the next morning and won the lottery for 1 million dollars. Would you still be depressed? Will it at all ease or change your mental state?
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self.depression
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Thanks Seroquel for not working over time today I took my seroquel around 9:45 pm and woke up at around 3:30 am. It normally knocks me out cold til the morning. I just started taking it Friday. Maybe tonight was just a warning shot that it won't work one day or maybe my mind is just working over time.
Either way, I'm surprised I beat my alarm by 2 hours. Which I mean if you aren't asleep you can't miss your alarm.
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self.bipolar
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I need to vent For the last month i have been overly deppresed with no end in sight every day getting worse and worse everyday i do somthing wrong and fuck up or make one of my friends mad i dont have anyone to talk to anymore about how i am feeling because i can trust any one i had one thing that kept me going and that was god but i am starting to loose my faith i dont know what to do any more if i dint care for the people around me i would of killed my self weeks ago i just i dont know what to do and i cant hold on much longer
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self.depression
|
I want to break up with my SO when manic I am bipolar 2. I have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year. We are happy and in love. However, whenever I get manic I want to break up with him because his flaws seem amplified and I want to sleep with other people. I don't know if my feelings are real and heighten during my mania or if it's just an impulsive, agitated, unreliable state of mind. Whenever I come down from my mania, all is fine again. Is my mania my gut instinct and I am just self justifying when I come down or it is just my mania making me crazy? Any one else have a similar experience with their SO and mania?
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self.bipolar
|
Normal isn't good enough So I've been on lamotrigine for close to six months now and for the most part they keep me stable and regular. But most days lately I've felt devoid of any true feelings, drive, or motivation. I feel like no matter how hard I try everything I do is still half assed and that I'll always be five steps behind everyone else because they aren't constantly being dragged down by mental illness. Does anyone else feel like this?
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self.bipolar
|
I have a plan to kill myself... decades from now. I've decided I want to kill myself, but not now, or in a few weeks, or even a few months. My plan is to commit suicide once I've decided I'm no longer able to live independently. I have a friend in a nursing home, and I never, ever want to end up in that situation. So I've decided I want to live my life to the fullest, check off everything in my bucket list, and when I feel that I've accomplished my goals and my life has been sufficiently fulfilling, I'll just... kill myself. I've even decided on the method, I know what my suicide note will say, and I have a good idea about what's going to be in my will.
Is this... weird? I mean, should I see someone about this? Has anyone else ever considered this? It's been lingering in the back of my mind for a couple years now, but it doesn't feel bad, it just feels... normal. Like this is going to be just another part of the process. Step 1, go to college, step 2, get a job, step 3, start checking things off your bucket list, step 4, make sure to spend time with family and friends, step 5... commit suicide.
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self.SuicideWatch
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i cant even have the energy to title this properly I'm so looking forward to tonight, and yet i'm dreading it. I wanna sleep. I need a break from consciousness. I'm afraid though because I'll wake up tomorrow. there's no winning, nothing works nothing makes it better except maybe cutting but that doesn't last long enough. christ this is so fucking pathetic i hate me, fucking ungrateful garbage little shit
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self.depression
|
I can't stand adulthood anymore Too much responsibilities for me.
Hardly any free time. By the time I'm done with work and having to drive around in a car to do stuff, it's 10pm when I get home. I start work at 6:30am so I'm going to sleep right away.
Weekends I'm cleaning, organizing, and running errands etc.
This is a part of the reason why I almost killed myself last weekend. Childhood I had the freedom to explore now as an adult, it feels like I'm living in a prison.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anyone else get restlessness jitters on abilify? If you've taken Abilify before or still are taking it how long will this take to subside. I can barely stand it and I've had it for about 2 weeks now.
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self.bipolar
|
Beyond terrified about upcoming transatlantic flight So next week I’m supposed to be flying from London to LAX for a holiday, and I’m beside myself with anxiety. I’m not typically a nervous person, and I’ve never experienced a strong fear of flying. Used to live abroad so did 30-odd flights a year, and whilst this will be the longest flight I’ve done, I’ve done an east coast transatlantic flight before.
I think my biggest fear is terrorism. The thought of plane failure does worry me, but given the current situation and the points in my journey, I can’t seem to ignore the prospect of a bomb, a hijack attempt or similar. I genuinely do not want to go.
The issue I’m having is that statistics and ‘likelihood’ dont seem to be helping comfort me much. Incidentally, I commute in central London on a motorcycle, so statistically I probably should already be dead. Riding a motorcycle however doesn’t, and hasn’t ever even slightly unsettled me.
The worst part for me is the day leading up to it and the actual boarding of the plane. I’m not one to get a panic attack on board but the challenge for me is willingly getting to the airport, and getting locked into a plane for 12 hours or so. My mind just thinks ‘you could get on the plane and risk death by terrorism, or you could just stay home watching TV and not worry about it’. When that’s the kind of choice on the table, I’m clearly not feeling strong enough to choose option a.
Even the risk/reward thing isn’t helping, I mean, I want to go to LA, but quite frankly I’d happily bail on the trip and not even feel disappointed if it meant not freaking out. Of course I’d be out of pocket a few grand and have a very unhappy partner (she’s also a nervous flyer but better at just getting on with it).
So, does anyone have any coping strategies or advice that aren’t just ‘statistically you should be fine’?
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self.Anxiety
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College student, feeling like no one really wants me around and I'm worried that I'm emotionally abusing girlfriend [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Positive energy request Hi everyone, I'm new here so hopefully, I'm doing this correctly.
I just want to ask for some positivity whether it be comments, your favorite quotes or advice on how to stay positive through the tough times.
A quick rundown/background of what is going on. I have my degree in web design. About 7 months ago I moved back to my hometown because it's where my fiance and I truly want to be.
Now I'm having a hard time getting a job (the fiance was able to land one right away) and it's driving me mad because I love working, coding and creating. While searching for a job I've been working on myself by working out (I'm down 30 lbs), eating right and changing my thinking to be positive.
A really good job at a really good company came along. I had three days (back to back) worth of interviews with this ONE company and this morning I was rejected. I've been an absolute mess since around 10 am. I've finally regulated my breathing and stopped crying but I'm struggling to get over this rejection.
Times get tough, I don't want to slip into my old ways of dwelling and dark thoughts which is why I'm asking for some positivity!
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self.Anxiety
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I've fucked my life royally. But worried a botched attempt will fuck it up further [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Do I need therapy Hey guys .. i am 22 years for 5 years I have been feeling ups and downs.. I don't like myself. Actually I hate it . I am fat and I am a filmmaker but I don't have the power to make it I am lazy and I prefer to watch movies over doing them . For a month now I can't sleep well. I feel like everybody is better than me. .I watch people on instgram and I feel shit about my life , today I got in tears . I don't want to go to a therapist I hate the thing that I need someone to feel good about my self ..and I am scared actually and I don't think he is gonna help..I am thinking maybe if I tried just to write my goals and try to achieve them I will feel fine. So is that normal and i am just a lazy boy or I need someone
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self.depression
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Recovered from DPDR, WAS HAPPY FOR A WHILE, it all came crashing down EVEN WORSE Hi,
so basically what I was going through this year was just insane. First half Derealization/Depersonalization, second half Depression/OCD but feels like psychotic, because everything seems so surreal. I was diagnosed with OCD and adjustment disorder btw. OCD and not psychosis because I know those feelings and thoughts are somewhat strange.
So basically I recovered from Depersonalization this year...but as the symptoms slowly vanished, I still battled irrational thoughts from day to day when suddenly my mind switched to: ur life is over. I was overwhelmed, suddenly paranoid of time/the date, feeling like I shouldnt be here anymore as the time went on and feeling like trapped in this concept of time.
This feeling...it feels like I shouldnt be alive anymore since August, like I shouldnt have lived past August and should be dead until August. It just feels like it is wrong to be alive, when I go to the hairdresser for example, my mind goes like this: You are dead inside, you died, you dont need to do this, you are trapped in hell, you shouldve killed yourself as I told you! When I look in the mirror: "Why are u still alive?" It just cant make sense why I am still alive, and I am super overwhelmed, feeling insane, because I know something IS TERRIBLY WRONG IN MY ORGANISM.
You may ask yourself why "August"? I dont know, I somehow wanted to be recovered and fine from mental health issues until August, I didnt know what would happen if I didnt recover until then, but my mind has adapted to my expectations and as the time went on without me recovering, my mind realized that and switched to this surreal psychotic limbo mode, so basically I guess false expectations triggered this mess in my mind.
I remembered when these thoughts sneaked in in the last week of July, I felt like after this week I would pass like a strange "threshold", like my old self had to die (idk it felt so strange, I just got very depressed, nervous and obsessed with the future and thought if I couldnt cope I may commit suicide, but I wasnt suicidal)
It felt like life after July was just black, I didnt want the future to come and felt like I was involuntarily pushed to experience this future pain, but then there was the 1st of August where I had these painful thoughts that I cant live anymore and got anxious. And this whole "anticipation" made me BELIEVE that this is destiny and I cant recover from it!
Furthermore I told my psychiatrist that I feared that I'll lose myself in time, which I know sounds strange but I definitely felt like there would be no future for me and honestly I keep questioning how I survived the last months, making me feel like I shouldnt be alive because the feelings were so surreal. I cant stop thinking that this shit is something supernatural and keep questioning if people had already commited suicide if they would have been in my shoes, what freaks me even more out.
But I have no clue how to get out of that hole at all. I am depressed and scared to death. I dont know, this is just a nightmare and I am 19.
Everytime I think about me as a person, I get a feeling of doom: who is "I', why am I still alive? Etc. It is terrifying.
I FEEL SO NOT GROUNDED IN MY LIFE AND CONSTANTLY ON THE VERGE AWWWWW WHY IS THIS HAPPENING?!
Unknown mental illness?!
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self.SuicideWatch
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My Dog Died and My Family Kept It From Me for a Month [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Stephen's Johnsons Syndrome Today is four years from when I was hospitalized for the rare allergic reaction to Lamictal known as Stephen Johnson's Syndrome. Face swollen shut, couldn't breathe, full body rash. I was lucky I was in college at the time and one of my roommates was still home before classes and could drive me to the hospital for treatment. The reaction is deadly if not caught fast enough. I took the pill at night and woke up with the symptoms. I am happy it was just a day trip to the hospital and back to normal.
What I'm not happy about: because Lamictal is so commonly prescribed I still have doctor's asking me just how allergic I am and if I could be on it again. They seem to blame me for being allergic to it because itd be such a great option for me and they can't possibly come up with something else. Four years of the residents cycling through the teaching facility I go to asking my why I can't have Lamictal even though it's always been listed in my chart as an allergy. I'm sick of hearing about Lamictal. It could have ended my life. And all doctors can say is how great I would do on it.
4 years later I'm in a manic cycle and I know theyre going to want to change my mood stabilizer again and the Lamictal conversation is going to come up again. Give me strength not to yell at my doctors.
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self.bipolar
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To those who aren't going to attempt, what is your mindset on getting through life? [removed]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I've been feeling lonely a lot ever since I broke up with my girlfriend. When I broke up with my girlfriend over a year ago, I became heavily depressed and contemplated self harm and suicide. I caused the break up and no matter how much I've tried, but I can't forgive myself for what I did. I broke her trust by lying to her that I didn't like this other girl and one day I just confessed it to her because it just kept eating away at me. I never did anything with the girl, besides texting over a span of 3 days, but I know I cheated on her emotionally. Right now, 441 days since we broke up, I've overcome my depression but I can't seem to shake this feeling of loneliness. I've struggled to make friends outside of my normal friend group from my high school years. I rely heavily on the people I know and I love because I relied on them after my breakup. I don't know if I'm really over my ex-girlfriend because every time I see her with her new boyfriend, I can't help but feel a slight bit of jealousy. I think it's mostly due to me missing her and all the memories I've made with her. I just feel like I have this big hole in my heart that I've struggled to fill with other things. I've tried exercising, talking over Discord with my friends, drawing, cooking, and other things, but I can't find anything to keep my mind off of my loneliness. I miss doing cute couple things like going on dates and the high you get just being in their presence. Although I struggled with most other things, I've at least followed up on my resolution to become a "better person", so that's at least something I feel like I've done right. Sorry for the formatting of this post, I bet it's kinda hard to read.
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self.offmychest
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Laid off from my job. This is the third time in my life. Hey all,
Thank you for reading this. I just want to vent a little bit because it helps me feel better. Today I was laid off from my job, and since I graduated college in 2014 this is the third time I've been laid off.
I feel so hopeless, like I have horrible luck. These lay offs are always because of budget cuts. They tell me that so I know it's not my fault, but it still makes me feel like crap because it's always outside cirumstances I can't control. I don't feel like I can even more forward anymore. I know people who have gotten amazing jobs at places I dream of working at because they knew the right people, yet here I am getting laid off job after job after job.
Life after college sucks. If anybody has any advice for me, I'm open for suggestions.
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self.depression
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I’ve wanted to kill my self over my relationship for a year now and I think I’m finally going to do it [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I am hopeless Im so hopeless I just made an tinder account even if im not 18. Im so fucking alone and depressed I just need a hug. The last hug I got outside the family was 4 years ago. Classmates played truth or dare and a girl chose dare. Her challenge was to hug me and that is just depressing.
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self.depression
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I don't know if I can keep living Life has truly become too much to handle and it's not because my life is plagued with hardship but because I am utterly incompetent at everything. Every tiny thing that goes wrong puts me in a tailspin. I hate everything about myself, every decision I make is wrong, I am hideous on the outside and the inside. I make the world so much worse and continue to hurt the people around me. I want to be the daughter my mom wanted and deserved but no matter what I do I am miserable and it is impossible to hide now. Everything is falling apart and I just want to die. All i can think about is death and the relief it will be. I don't want to continue being me, I don't want to live. I have nothing to live for but my mom. I don't want to get married, I don't want kids, I have no passions: the usual things that motivate people to keep going aren't there for me. People don't like me, I know I will never have someone fall in love with me. I will always be alone. The reason I haven't committed suicide is my mom, my whole life has been a disappointment to her and it makes me so sad to think of my death being the greatest disappointment. But i know her life would be so much better without me. My mom would never admit it but its true. In death I would be a memory and she could think of the happy times, in life I just bring her more and more pain. I want to die so bad I just don't want it to be a suicide. I wake up every morning wishing to get in a fatal accident. I don't know how much longer I can go through the motions. I'm falling apart.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Officially by myself. Texted my ex who is the only one who knows about my depression and suicidal thoughts, told her i fear i might not make it till next week. Since she is at this big end of the school year party she told me not to talk to her about this as she doesn't want her night ruined, and then literally told me to 'go see a psychologist'. Can't believe the only person i've ever trusted in enough to let her know about my condition just let go of me like that. Part of me wants to kill myself to go out with a big fuck you, the part of me that wants to keep going is slowly dying.
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self.depression
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Birth control and depression? I've had a nexplanon implant for almost a year and I'm almost certain it's made my depression a lot worse. Before I used to be able to handle it on my own but now I know I need help. The thing is there are other factors in my life that have caused me to get worse, I can't be sure it's down to the implant. I also don't really want it removed as I love it as a form of birth control and I think that if I start another form I'll just have the same side effects.
Does anyone have any idea if I could go to the doctors and be prescribed medication for my depression, rather than them just taking out the implant? I've never considered medication before because I don't like popping pills in general and I've always been able to handle it myself but I don't think there's a better option at the moment.
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self.depression
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tomorrow's the day ive wanted to die for some time now. about 4 years of my life wasted and wishing i was dead. ive failed multiple times in taking my life. been hospitalized, on medication, in therapy, you name it.
a couple of days ago my mother uncovered some things about me she was never supposed to know. i cant go into detail, but the bottom line is- ive reached the final breaking point.
these new issues on top of everything else i deal with on a day to day basis have all finally suffocated me.
this is what ive wanted for years. tomorrow is the day. im going to go through with it.
i dont want advice, or consoling, i just want somebody to know.
thank you, reddit.
see you on the other side
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self.SuicideWatch
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My doctor told me she doesn't like to label people, so I bought a bottle of vodka. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Rapid cycling Any “success” stories with an Rx, off label or not for those of you that are true rapid cyclers? Only levothyroxine at 50 mcg. worked like a true and absolute miracle ... until five months in and my hair started falling out in clumps. It’s been four months on rogaine and supplements just to undo the embarrassing damage. Appreciate any advice, along with your side effects. Thanks.
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self.bipolar
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Everything is so fucking horrible. I don't want to die I just don't want to be alive anymore. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Am I even responsible for my past? Okay so ultimately the answer is YES, TO AN EXTENT, but bear with me here.
I’m a 27/f and I’ve been engaged like, several times, moved around a lot, lost a job, switched jobs a couple times, back in college I made a HUGE education /career switch and don’t really regret it today.
I’ve been depressed since I was 10 years old and have manic episodes since I was maybe 15? Unsure, definitely had some of them when starting anti-depressants at 22.
I’ve only been hospitalized once, for suicidal ideation, but I can pinpoint several times where I was so unhinged I could have benefited then too. But since I largely direct destructive impulses inwardly I guess it’s harder for people to notice the danger one may pose.
My main thing is that I was severely depressed at 22, then a long term boyfriend broke up with me saying I was too crazy to be with (which messed me up), which led to a very long mixed episode where I met someone else, got engaged almost immediately, got into several arguments/physical fights with that person’s people, and broke up with him because I wanted to break plates over his head and even if that didn’t mean I hated him he was still in danger. He had multiple concussions from being a combat veteran so my desire to cause more cranial damage would be lethal. That was after a year and a half of me being with that person.
I’ve bounced from many relationships since then and have been called crazy most of the time. When I was 24 (almost 25) I did go off my medication when I moved very far from my original care team and didn’t bother getting a new GP, therapist or psychiatrist. So I spent almost 4 months off medications when I eventually lost my job at a nursing home.
The interval between the end of my job far away from home and starting my new job at the city jail back where I’m originally from was...bad. An eating disorder flared up, I started self harming, I was back in contact with my ex fiancé and basically BEGGED HIM to take me back/verbally abuse me. I needed to hear how horrible I was, or that’s what I thought.
I did restart medication then, and things calmed down significantly once I was able to feel secure in my new job.
After ultimately being dissatisfied with him again, I started a relationship with a married man who was about to leave his wife (or so he said) to be with me.
I’ve had even more relationships that I’ve listed and the major themes are my mood swings, self hatred and resentment.
Now that I know I’m bipolar I’m looking at the last few years with new eyes and I’m just...even more upset? Because if we had caught that diagnosis from the start I would probably have a very different life today. All those choices were informed by a very unwell mind and today I don’t even know what I’d be like in similar situations with a clearer head. It’s all new. I have no idea who I am anymore. Before at least I could say I was terrible and believe it. Now I don’t know what the truth is.
This mood stabilizer seems to be working for me, I’m tracking my mood and it’s staying relatively neutral to positive. Since I was initially a happy, positive child I’m glad to see that temperament is largely intact. My current boyfriend says I’ve been much happier in the months since I started the lamictal, and I only had one meltdown where I realized I could never get pregnant while on these meds, and since they work so well for me it’s not like I can juggle my meds to things in category B/C with any responsibility. In the choice between biological procreation and me just thriving and staying on steady ground, the latter will always win, and I had to make peace with that choice.
So yea, I look at my past and I can’t distinguish which choices would be informed by who I really am or informed by a severe, untreated/undertreated mental illness. And does the distinction even matter? I might not be my bipolar disorder but since I’ve been unwell for so long how can I know who I actually am?
I’m too freaking old for “finding myself” and an identity crisis, goddamnit.
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self.bipolar
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Does coming from a big family make depression feel harder or easier? I have 5 brothers and 4 sisters, that's right I'm one of 10 (Roman Catholic parents? Yep)
I'm a 36 year old male in the UK and I've had depression for as long as I remember, at least 20years. Right now in the middle of my 7th relapse. Having so many brothers in sisters is great in many ways as they offer so much support. But in some ways it's hard. As I watch them all around me growing up and enjoying normal things like building their own families, buying their own homes and progressing their careers, it makes me feel like shit and a burden. I know comparing yourself to others is a recipe for unhappiness, but with siblings it's really hard not to. On the other hand if I was an only child I would have no support, but at least no constant reminder that my life is so shit in comparison.
What do redditers think? Does having lots of family make depression easier or harder?
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self.depression
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Living in Japan has been absolute hell but everyone basically tells me to just shut up about it... So I've been living in Japan since May of last year. I was hired as an english teacher. It seemed like a dream come true because I've loved Japanese culture for as long as I can remember. I packed my bags, said goodbye to my parents, and left the US. For the record, I'm black.
At first, everything seemed ideal. However, I began to notice people would stare at me a lot when I commuted to work. People would actively avoid sitting near me too. My students seem to only want to talk about the US and US politics like Trump so I often struggle to control my classroom. People, including my students, call me "Beyonce" which I find insulting.
I was dating one of my neighbors for a brief time only to find out he was basically bragging to his co-workers that he "bagged a black cunt". He seemed like a nice man but he was using me. I felt like a piece of trash.
Some teenaged girls on the train looked in my direction and commented "kimochiwarui" which means "nasty". It made me break down and cry.
I've tried to relay these sentiments online but people keep telling me that I'm wrong, that Japan isn't racist or xenophobic at all, and I need to "check my privilege". I'm not kidding. People are turning the tables, and accusing me of being the prejudiced one towards the Japanese.
At this point, I might quit and move back to the US once the term ends. It depresses me though. I wanted to start a new life here, and I wanted to explore a new culture that I always admired. Now I just...feel betrayed, and depressed. I can't feel anything other than immense sadness lately. Don't know what else I can do.
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self.depression
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So I recently went to a comedy show and i still couldn’t laugh. (Off my chest/rant) [deleted]
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self.depression
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Im sick of my medicine, im sick of my side effects and im sick of my mental health issues. (This is going to be a huge rambley mess, so im sorry if its hard to follow, also its very long. This is just some stuff that i need to get out. Its been killing me and i just need to tell someone.)
I have been taking depression medicine for 3 years now. I have taken Zoloft, welbutrin, viibryd, and luxepro. Not all at the same time but i have taken all of them. And the thing is theyll work perfectly in the beginning but after about a week the medicine stops working. I go back to what i was before. I have one good week were im active and have energy but after the week im dead again. Im also taking another medicine l called Lamictal as a mood stabilizer. It really does help but when it wears off at night its like im dead again and i have my mood swings again. Im taking all this fuckig medince and its just wearing me down. These side effects are somethig that im just so done with but i need this medicine. I know i need it, i know that this is medince i need to even function but im just so tired from them figuratively and mentally.
For the past two months i have gotten a constant two hours of sleep. Not more not less. I have to drug myself with benadryl to even sleep and even then that two hours only turns to four. I wanted to see how long i could stay up for once if i just didnt drug myself or try to go to sleep. I stayed up for 5 days in a row. No sleep, no cat naps, nothing I stayed awake. And you know the sad thing, i wasnt tired. At all, i felt fine. I was up and i was active. I was seeing and hearing shit but i was up. I was working and doing shit. But i just didnt sleep. I just couldnt, it felt like my body had no off switch for when its time to go to sleep.
The medicine also has a nother side effect that it leaves me in a daze and i feel like a zombie. Its called Dissoctioating and i get it a lot. Everything is so slow, and everything i hear is mumbled and quiet. My eyes turn blurry, and i cant see jack shit and actually touching somethin feels like its barely there. Ill look down at my hands and its like these dont look like mine, these dont feel like mine. But i know thy are mine. And i can't get rid of that feeling. Its like i know im here in this time and place but i cant feel like im here. Its like im looking through a glass window, i can see everything but i cant go through the window to see and talk to people. Another way ive explained is imagine youre swimming and youre underwater. You can people on the shore from where you are but its hard to make out what theyre saying and what they look like. And you weightless in the water. Like youre floating but you cant feel every thing he same way as you would on land. I keep trying to swim to the surface. But everytime i make progress something pulls me back down. The worst part is that i cant control this. I cant. Ive tried and ive tried and ive tried but nothing works. Nothing changes the fog is so think and the lake is so deep that i cant make it out. God knows how hard ive have tried but im getting tired of swimming, my legs are weak and my will to actually keep swimming is just not there. Its just not there.
I tried to commit suicide in early november, I took 90 something the 500g tylenol. I also took 13 benadryl and a hand full of my actual depression medicine (welbutrin and viibryd, didnt take and luxepro. Fuck luxepro, shit is terrible) I was hospitalized and was baker acted. Had to stay in a mental health facility for 72 hrs. I had to drink those fucking charcoal drinks when i was at the hospital, had to drink 4 of them. Let me tell you, you never want to take the charcol shakes. Theyre so thick, think of choclate cake batter now imagine having to drink that cake batter raw. lt gets everywhere, my clothes and face were stained black. I had it everywhere, which to be honest was kinda funny. But thats the shake texture. Now imagine eating pieces of charcol, just pure pieces of charcol. Thats what they taste like. And then had about 5-6 bags of that saline stuff. Every five fuckin mintues i had to take a piss. It absolutely sucked. But to further the story while i was at the real hospital the psychiatrist came in and we were talking . He was reading over what medication i take and he said that he has no idea why im taking the medication i am, that they dont work together and they arent helping. He said that for instance the luxepro and viibryd shouldnt be taken together becuase of the side effects. He then started asking me to tell him about what i felt like, how a normal day was. How i felt and acted on a daily basis. He kept checking things on a list. When i would tell hims something. He left for about 2 hours and then came back to me and said how he read my file and from what i had just told him he said that he thinks i have borderline personality disorder instead of just depression. I know his guy its not the first time we've talked. Ive been in that hospital a bunch of times for suicide attempts. He told me that i should try and look into a diagnosis of BPD beacuse he said thay what i was taking and what i doing wasnt helping. And you know hes got a point. I dont feel suicidal. I never have thoughts of actually killing myself. I never planned to kill myself, ive never written a letter, i never had plans on who to say goodbye to. Its just happens. Ill be fine one minute then something happens, and my mood drops completly. Then i become stressd and i get angry and then everything is just to much. And i cant function or breathe and i think the only way out is death. So i try to kill myself then. It sounds so bad but its what happens. I meet a lot of the criteria for borderline as well. I match almost every single one. And that scares me. Its terrifies me to knoe that i might have that. Im not going to say i have it conclusively because i haven't got a diagnosis yet and im i hate people who self diagnos themselves.
What caused me to go down the rabbit hole was what happened two days before i tried to off myself, i was trying a new medication for adult ADHD called focalin. I was so fucking happy to finally get this medince. I wish that i cpuld back in time and force myself to take he Ritalin like i was supposed to. So i took it with medicine i usally take. The first hour i was fine but then shit got worse. My parents found me passed out on the kitchen floor. The reaction was so bad that i had to be rushed to the hospital. My blood pressure was 182/ 112. My heart was beating so fast that you could hear it in my chest. I couldnt breathe, i couldnt see anything. My body was numb and i eas freezing cold but still i had sweat literlly covering every part of me. I was covered in it, my shirt looked like i has been to the gym from the amount of sweat. My legs could not stop moving. Not the oh my legs are moving every once and awhile, amd im moving my legs becuase ive been sitting and i need to move. No they were shaking so violently that the chair that i was sitting on in the lobby was rattling and you could hear the chair moving. They had to get me a wheelchair becuade i physically could not walk without falling to the ground. It was so bad i actually had my dad come back to the room with me. I love my dad but i never allow near anything that has to do with medical or personal stuff. Due to the emotinal abuse from him i cant trust him like that. I was terrified, i though i was going to die. I truly thought i was going to die. I remember screaming and biting on my hand so hard that it was bleeding. Im great with IVs, theyre easy to put in but for once i couldnt. They coulsnt find the vein so they were digging around in my arm to find one. I remeber begging them ton stop becuase i couldnt do it. I was in so much pain i couldnt do anything. So when they discharged me the symptoms came back the next day. I had a heart attack and had to go back in. Of cpurse the doctor from the day before yelled and i said "i told you not to take them again." I didnt. And he didnt tell me jack shit. Im 23 years old and he kept asking my parents everything. He woulsnt talk to me about what was going on with me. Bastard. When i got home i was stressing about my classes and how i had missed abour 3 assignments during my stay. The stress became to much and i took the pills. And then i chickened out and told my parens what i did. Wrnt to the hospital and then a behavioral center. The behavioral center was fine and i got to go to one of the best on in city so i was happy.
While i was there they put me on Lamictal and it is helping wih my moods swings and it keeps me calm but i think its the one causing all the symptoms. I dont know. I just dont anymore. As soon as i started taking it i couldn't sleep, i have nausea now everyday, surprisingly i lost like 10 pounds due to the fact that i have basically no appetite, im dizzy and lightheaded all the time. But it is helping. Is it really? I can feel a difference, its just. Is it worth it? Is it worth it to live my life like this? Becuase this doesnt feel worth it, this doesnt feel like a life worth living. Id never kill myself or plan to but if something happened and i died i woulsnt be sad. I wouldnt regret or beg for a second chance.
I guess i just want someone to hear my screams and help me. I guess i want someone to know what im going through. And for someone to listen. I nevrr talk about my problems but everyone unloads everything theyre going through on me but they never listen to me.
Take it from me its not worth it. Please dont try to kill yourself ever. If you think you want to call someone, call a friend, a family member basically someone you can talk to or call 911. Please your life is worth so much, you are worth such much.
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self.offmychest
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Does this even count (old account I used just to follow this subreddit)
I think I just tried to kill myself.
And it didn't work.
And I'm not sure where to go from here.
I don't really feel anything, and that was the issue in the first place.
I went to school and I decided I just couldn't see anyone today so I skipped most of my hours. I just sat down in the computer lab attached to the counseling office for 3 hours. And I started writing stuff down and trying to process everything. I'd been feeling like shit. I've been feeling like shit for a while. It's not like suicidal ideation was new. It's an obsession. An honest obsession. I have obsessive compulsive disorder and my therapist agrees that this is just an obsessive thought pattern.
1.) I am a bad person. I may not have "done anything wrong" to deserve to die, but I've never done anything good to deserve to live.
2.) I need to hurt myself in order to make up for my actions. As in, saying some embarrassing, taking up someones time, taking up space, making a mistake, asking for things. Usually, after cutting or hitting or burning myself, the compulsion is finished and I stop worrying about whether or not I'm a bad person.
I've suffered, I'm physically hurt, I've made up for everything.
3.) If that's not enough, and it never is, the compulsion to do something worse rolls in. I figure I'll either end up actually dying, or I'll survive the attempt. I'll survive and I'll wake up in a hospital and it'll be like my brain reset itself and suddenly I'm able to form relationships and interact with people and create things and get out of my own head and just be a normal person and everything will just suddenly be better. Because I wasn't willing to just hurt myself to make up for being a bad person. I was willing to die and I would be rewarded with a second chance.
The few times I've made or really attempted to make a real plan something intervenes.
There end up being no pills (other than a handful of ibuprofen) in my house since my dads anti medication.
A train stops all traffic from coming down the street I walked to for 20 minutes, and then I get a call, by the time the cars start coming I'm talked into walking back home.
I'm considering just walking in front of a car when it turns out to be my dads car and he leans on the horn. Snaps me out of it.
And now I broke the curtain rod.
The closets in my house are weird. Theres no rod to hang clothes on, they all have shelves with hooks.
The shower curtain rod is flimsy.
The only thing in my house that looked sturdy enough was the curtain rod in the family room. Which is more just a junk room.
And when I got home I decided to start calling people. I decided a letter was a bad idea. I had made a list of the people I'd call, thought over what I was gonna say and just. Nothing came out.
I called the person I was the least close with first. I figured I'd call and try to honestly tell him I appreciated him and that I loved him and I sat there silently for about 30 seconds when he picked up. We ended up talking about a video game.
At this point I had been sitting in the family room. I was messing around with the rope, tying and untying and retying a noose and messing with the curtain rod to see what part was the sturdiest and just tugging on it and the rope and just sat on the phone and let him talk.
Another friend called. I tried to tell her the same thing I tried to tell him. Just sat there silently for the most part and let her talk about the book she was reading and her college plans.
Same thing. Just. Fucked around with the rope. And I stood there for a while and when she hung up I looked at my contacts list and I couldn't call the other people. I couldn't get myself to.
I realized I got the knot right and it freaked me out I think. The fact that yeah, that'd work. That'd do it. And I took the rope down and I just sat in bed and I didn't do anything. Fell asleep for a bit and then sat in bed for a few more hours just. Not doing anything.
I woke up feeling so much worse and I went right back downstairs and I did it again and I called my friend who was practically my sister and again I just couldn't fucking speak. I had been crying so when she picked up I put myself on mute and kept crying trying to calm myself down. Let her talk about her boyfriend. She asked if something was wrong and I said no. She tried to make a joke about how upset I sounded. I tried to make a joke and just changed the subject back to her boyfriend. When I hung up I tried to tell her I loved her and I couldn't do it.
I think it's because if I tried to say something like that, to anyone, they would have known what was up.
Called my boyfriend. Told him happy birthday at midnight. Just. Held the rope in my hands. Call dropped I think.
I'd talked to enough people on my list and I looked up at the curtain rod and I looked back at the chair and I thought I can just back out of this if I want to. I can kick around and prop myself back up on part of the chair. I can shove my fingers between the rope and my neck. I can find a way to get out of it if after a few seconds I just change my mind.
And the first time, the rope slipped and nothing happened. I think it happened a few times and at this point I was just angry and crying and I don't know what I was even thinking and i just kept trying and trying and thought after a minute if I'm not meant to do it, the rod would just break. And I kind of prayed to just. Anything, because I wanted this to work, I wanted to either die or have some miracle happen that would instantly make me a person who deserved to live and deserved all the love around me and I thought it's just not gonna work and I did it again and the thing holding the curtain rod snapped off the wall and I fell and I looked back up and the curtain rod was actually in two pieces. It was split at the middle, like that's just how it was made.
Why the hell would they design it to not be one piece.
And I just. Sat there. And I wasn't even crying I just didn't feel anything.
I think it's been a little over an hour.
I don't feel anything. I feel like tomorrows not gonna happen.
I can't call anybody.
I just have a headache, honestly.
I don't think I'm gonna actually tell anyone about this. It's just embarrassing now. I just needed to write this out and process it I guess.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't feel like I belong here Has anyone ever felt that they're not connected to their own body?
Sometimes I have moments when I feel like I'm completely separate from myself. I feel overwhelmed, and I'm tired of working my way through challenges. I just don't want to feel anything.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I've finally come to accept the fact that i'm consumed by depression and it has destroyed the last 5 years of my life. [deleted]
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self.depression
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How have SSRI's helped you guys? I made this in the SSRI section and realized there's only 13 users there, so I'm hoping here will get active answers.
How have ssri's helped you with your anxiety, negative thinking, mood issues (easy anger etc) and so fourth?
I have a lot of anxiety and am easily angered or offended and I typically avoid people at all costs and think negatively about everything (most likely due to depression). I am quick to set a goal and giveup within a week, and I can't hold jobs to save my life because someone there will always talk too much crap and it stresses me out and i avoid it etc..
An SSRI would help these thoughts go from a tornado to a soft gust of wind? I need to go back to school but I'm stagnant psychologically with anxiety and need to get a mental evaluation asap.
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self.Anxiety
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My cats paw is possibly broken and I’m taking her to the vet in 30 minutes... by myself. My SO opened the door to our office and she was sleeping in a position that had her paws under the door. So they were possibly crushed?She let out a screech but she seemed fine afterwards :(
This morning I woke up to her sprinting around the house on one paw. It’s swollen, guys. Really badly. She’s freaking out and I’m just freaking the fuck out. My SO has an important meeting today which means he is unable to take her / accompany me to the vet.
So I’m having some anxiety right now because:
1. Driving anxiety
2. Social anxiety
3. My cat is in pain and it’s fucking freaking me the fuck out.
My SO said I could wait until tomorrow morning and we could take her together, but I can’t even look at her paw without bursting into tears. So I’m doing it. I’m bringing her there all by myself. I’m freaked out because I want her to be okay and I’m freaking out because of the steps I have to take to do this. I’m not going to let my anxiety take a toll on my pets.
Edit: I’m at the Vet with her still. She doesn’t have any broken bones, but they have me some stuff to give her to (hopefully) bring down the swelling over the weekend.
Edit 2: I inserted some pictures of her at the end of our visit. She’s going to be okay. :) Thank you /r/anxiety for your endless support.
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self.Anxiety
|
Met a girl I caught feelings for, she's barely interested. Okay, so a little bit of background first. Me, I'm a 24 year old guy, she's a 22 year old girl, has one daughter who's 2 years old. I've known the girl for probably 5 or 6 weeks. We met on Tinder.
Both of our accounts on Tinder were mostly for jokes, and out of boredom. Neither of us were looking for a one time thing, which we talked about before meeting, we did however sleep in the same bed, and our "date", if you could call it that, lasted from a Saturday, to a Monday morning, where I left.
Anyway. She was EXTREMELY eager to meet me. 2 or 3 days after we met on Tinder, she kept talking about how we should meet soon, and how she can't wait, she even said she thought I was maybe her soulmate. 10 days after meeting on Tinder, we met up, she was so eager, that she invited me to stay all of Saturday, all of Sunday, until Monday morning. She lives about 20 minutes by train from me, so it's easy to meet up.
We met, we clicked, we talked. We had fun. Both days it went smooth, no problem talking, it seemed like we had chemistry. I could tell she had fun, she smiled a lot, laughed a lot. Asked into a lot of things, and so did I. We cuddled, I gave her a lot of head-massages/hair massages, I don't know what you call them, fed her some chocolate once, while she layed on my lab with her head, it was fun and cute. She even called me sweet, cute and nice on numerous occasions.
Anyway, fastforward until Monday, it's morning. She drops off her daughter, who got home Sunday evening, at around 7pm, and immediately put to bed, she was at her dads house. Anyway, she goes to work, I go home. I forget my shirt, and something else, not intentionally. I tell her that I'll be coming again, which she seemed happy about, she has a really cute genuine smile.
Side note: This was my first ever "date" with a girl.
Anyway. I get home, she said her period was starting right before I left that Monday morning, turns out it wasn't her period afterall, she hasn't had one in 2 months, so she might be pregnant again, but it wasn't visible at all, so she doesn't know. Either way, it doesn't matter to me.
We started chatting less from the DAY I left, like. We barely talked that Monday, and the rest of the week, and the coming weeks, until now. Sometimes it's days between our chats. I just don't understand why, I mean. I can understand she's not interested, but we had so much fun, and I could tell she genuinely had fun, I did too, and before we met, we talked A LOT on chat.
Problem is, I like her. I think I've fallen a bit for her, and it sucks. I really hate it, I really didn't wanna fall for her, because I was afraid something like this would happen, but that's not the main topic of this post. I've asked if she felt unwell, and she had for a bit, but that was the same week as when I left, so like 3 or 4 weeks ago. I really wanna see her again. And I've tried to give hints that I do want to. Like, for example:
I told her that I was looking for my shirt the other day, which I was, but forgot that she still had it, and let her know she could just have it as an early Christmas present, and she insisted I have it back - does this mean she wants to see me again? Because I really don't think so. I'm getting really strong vibes that she doesn't like me, nor want to see me again.
For example, she never writes first, when we do chat, it's for a short period of time, and she's not the fastest at replying, given she has a daughter to take care of, that's understandable, and a life outside of me, but before we met, she replied fast, so yeah.
So. What do I do? Should I try and write like "So, do you wanna go on a date?" which I know, she doesn't want to, or what do I do. Should I just straight up ask if she's not interested in seeing me again? I did kinda do that recently by writing something along the lines of
"Heyy, I know what we should watch if we meet again, I just started watching this series, and it's great, given that you are intersted in seeing me afterall!" she didn't address the fact that I said "Given that you are interested in seeing me afterall!" at all, only asked what series it was.
This is a post I made on dating advice as well, but it could be used as a rant as well, to get off my chest, so I decided to post it here too, as it was actually quite nice to write.
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self.offmychest
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