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Sent an email to my professor wondering about my grade and they took it as an invitation to lay into me Its that time in the semester where things get stressful. I've been doing really well up until a couple weeks ago when everything started to pile up which made me slack on some things.
for context im registered for 22 credit hours, i have 9 classes and 2 of them are internships, 1 of them is an hour away from home. there literally aren't enough hours in the day. im tired stressed and strung out and it all caught up with me last week. i missed some of my classes for my mental health. since i had been doing well, getting As on pretty much all of my assignments, i felt fairly decent about it.
one of my classes canceled class twice, one during one of my absences. the rule is if you cancel you have to give an assignment. so instead of me not going for the sake of myself. instead, she cancelled and put yet another assignment on my plate, actually two, since she canceled it twice.
i didnt do these assignments. they werent in the syllabus and since my schedule is so tight it was hard to include them since they really just sprung up on me. I ended up feeling bad for not doing them. so i emailed my professor and asked if i could turn them in late or do something else to make the points up.
her reply should have just said, no late work no extra credit.
instead, she replied back with everything that ive been doing wrong lately. how i appear to not be prepared, as in im not participating as much as i did in the beginning of the semester, saying im not making her class a priority, how shes offended that i would reach out about my grade in week 12 (even though i have a good grade and im in no way in danger of failing, just concerned about this one assignment that i missed).
I think she took it really personally that my academics slipped for a second. im a good student, but in week 12 during fall semester (which means the break comes late, spring semester has more breaks) somethings gotta give. and it wasn't just her class it was my whole fucking life that gave for a second.
another thing. i have nine classes but each one of my professors thinks their class should be my number one. it doesn't work that way and its unrealistic of them to have that expectation. someone has to be number nine.
It really frustrates me when professors act like dictators. Im trying to be the best learner i can be in the situation that im in. is it my best? absolutely not, but it is what it is and im doing my best.
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self.offmychest
|
It’s there last year now. I’m in my last school year now. Afterward I’ll haven the possibility to go to University, or do an apprenticeship or go work or go abroad or just relax a bit.
I honestly don’t knowing what I should do. I’m not even sure what I would want to study at uni. There are so many possibilities and I think I don’t even know where to start. But it’s slowly catching up. 2 years ago everyone said “You still have time. Don’t worry.”
There’s no time left now. I basically need to decide now if I want to go to Uni.
Help. I hope I’ll figure it out somehow.
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self.offmychest
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Medication or Condition Hello,
I have been slowing down lately. I pause a lot during conversation and forget words or what I’m saying as I’m saying it so it takes longer for me to say something. I am also easily confused and it takes me a bit to understand things. This is not how I was most of my life. I am educated (MA) and have a great job, but this slowing is really affecting my performance. It seems after my mania (2 years ago for about 5 months), I just got stupid. Have any of you experienced this? I’ll discuss this w my psychiatrist because it may be medication related? What can I do?
For reference, I am 28yo, female.
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self.bipolar
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So Dull No matter how much time I spend having fun, once I’m home and am in my room in the silence, it’s back to how repetitive my life is. I wish all of this would change so that I could feel happy again.
Nothing is wrong but everything is wrong. This isn’t how I want to feel when life is content. I want to be at peace, not feeling incredibly lonely and useless.
It’s not that I want to kill myself, it’s just this is so painful to deal with every single day. Same job, same friends, same routine, same scenery. I’m comfortable but I wish I could have someone else’s life and problems, not mine.
It’s like all of my dreams are pointless. I’ve forgotten all of my goals from a year ago. I want to talk to my loved ones about this but I feel like I’ve complained enough and there’s no point in involving anyone in the same cry baby sob story time and time again.
I literally don’t know what to say to my therapist besides that I feel useless to everyone. The “they’d be better off without me” doesn’t sound so dramatic to me sometimes.
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self.depression
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I went 2 freaking weeks without cutting I was so proud of myself but NO I had to screw it up. I'm so disappointed in myself.
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self.depression
|
I give up this time Its over I lost my job, I have a headache, I am very angry at myself and I know for sure I can't get another job because all I will get is no call backs welp I guess its over :(
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self.depression
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Depressed or just stressed? There were periods in my life where I have been sad, like my junior and senior years of high school and my first 2 years of college. I recently transferred and am currently a junior in college and I moved away from home. Adjusting, making new friends, harder academics at my new school, and being in a new city in general have been really hard. I've been feeling really tired and just blank/empty most days and would try to nap it off but I would only wake up feeling even more tired/empty. Even the nights I get a lot of sleep, I'll wake up exhausted and during the entire day, I'll feel dazed and out of my body and just feel sad and stressed. Even when trying to study, I find myself dozing off and just wanting to go back to my room and just sleep. I also am really sensitive to little things and will cry for no reason. I don't know if I'm just stressed or actually depressed?
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self.depression
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Is life really worth living? I would really like to know.....I mean day in and day out worrying about bills. Today is the 2nd and I don’t have all my rent money. I’m sick of living like this year after year. Why do some people have more money than they will ever spend in two lifetimes while others can barely make ends meet? Life is not fair!! I have been employed in government service for 20 years and still struggle financially. Nothing in life makes me happy right now. Not even my kids whom I love dearly!! I’m just sick and tired and everything!!
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self.depression
|
I only found out today Last friday i went home from college early while the guys i talk to stayed in the library.
They were talking to some girls in our class and they started talking about me, apparently a girl in my class likes me.
I found out today while walking with one of the guys they made me promise never to tell anyone(in real life, he didnt say anything about the internet xD)
I told him that i would probably forget it, but the problem is I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT IT.
(Ive narrowed it down to like 6 possible people..)
Another big problem i have is that i don't like myself, i couldnt go into a relationship without first loving myself. My depressive nature would drive me to hurt them.
(Mid writing this i think the possible people has risen to about 8 now, girls in my class are constantly looking at me, thats probably cus im weird tho)
Also, if they do eventually start talking to me and ask me out, i couldn't say no cus i dont wanna let someone down.
Theres no way anything can go right for me.
No matter the choice i make.
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self.depression
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I want to die but I want to be with him I don’t know what to do anymore... there’s this guy that I can’t stop loving we broke up about 9 months ago because I was just a horrible person to him. Since then I’ve bettered myself I’ve been happier and I’ve looked within and stoped hating myself I’ve changed I’m overall a better person than who I was long ago. I wanted him to see this but he doesn’t trust me anymore.. so a few days ago he sends me a message out of the blue, I don’t know how he got my new number, and we start talking and my feeling for him instantaneously came back I was trying to bury those feelings. And he’s in a relationship and I was like ok that’s good maybe now I can finally get over him.. a few days later he cheats on his SO with me And at first I don’t want to do that because I had respect for him and his relationship but he kept pushing and I’m so weak and says he loves me and it was everything I’ve ever wanted, and it happened multiple times over the course of a few days... A few days later he told me he was confused and he couldn’t choose between me or them... he was basically playing with my feelings... and today he blocks me and I just want to cry and die I didn’t do anything wrong this time... and I know how stupid it is to cry or kill yourself over a man but my heart is just full of pain I hope it just stops on it’s own at this point.. I just don’t want to live life without him thanks for reading about my stupidity
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self.SuicideWatch
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What do I do to get my life back? HELP. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Fear of poverty normal? Because i am chronically ill and autistic i have a big fear ov pvoerty. i failed at school too. I am only 18. But i know i will end up poor. Yes it was my failure but i have mental and physical problems. There is no reson to live. I will have problems to survive, because i will end up poor. My life will be shit. And my parents can't care forever for me. I will have a dead end job. Why should i live? Don't say Money is not that important, it is! Try to live without money or not much money. Is it normal that i fear poverty und want to kill myself i i become poor or worse homnless?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m the one who called CPS This happened several years ago and for some reason I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. I’m going to have to leave out a lot of the grittier personal details because they’re pretty identifying. Sorry.
I used to work for a small daycare in the crappier area of town. Working in the infant room was the best. I was usually by myself or with one other teacher depending on the amount of babies we had. This one little girl was the best. She was such a good baby. Quiet, interactive, chill, cute and everything else you could want in a kid. She came to me at 6 weeks but once she was out of her “potato” phase there was something a little....off.
She was stinky. Not like “oh...Mom didn’t have time to give you a bath for one day”. She was stinky stinky and I couldn’t figure out why. I asked Mom about it and she said “Yeah, I noticed that and bathed her but she’s stinky again”. Ok, no biggie. I’ll bathe her in the sink too. Maybe she just sweats a lot? I even affectionately nicknamed her Stink Stink.
Well, sometime later Stink came in with a BAD rash. No worries, I have some super cream for that. Asked mom if I could use it. Mom said “I didn’t realize she had a rash.” Okie dokie, weird but whatever. Rash cleared up in a few days and we moved on. Unfortunately it became a pattern. Come in on Monday with a rash, clear it up by Friday and come back on Monday with a bleeding rash. It was heartbreaking. Tried talking to Mom about it but she always blew me off.
Things progressed to get worse. Stink would get dropped off in her pjs and the diaper from overnight. Mom would throw her down with a change of clothes and yell “Can you change her, I ran out of time!” Then would bolt out of the door. The thing about Mom was, she was always so perfectly put together. Hair did, make up did, fancy clothes on, heels. It drove me nuts.
I’m not proud but I still didn’t say anything. By this time Stink was about 12 months. Refusing to learn to walk, lazy, lethargic, she wouldn’t even pull herself up hardly. Not unheard of for kids that age but kinda strange. She was just chill and lazy. Another teacher went to their house to babysit and said their house was nasty! I can’t go into details but let’s just say Mom wouldn’t clean and the things Mom told teacher were pretty crappy for Stinks home life.
Then the final straw happened. I was still battling the weekly rashes and changing the overnight diaper first thing. I just had this burning, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach about it. I worked 12 hours that day just so I could be the one to send my baby home with Mom. I changed her diaper when Mom got there and marked it with a sharpie. The next morning I got to work early. When Stink got there, I practically ripped her jammies off. Wouldn’t you know, same diaper from when I changed it at 5 the night before. 14+ hours in that diaper. It was just the final straw. How could anyone treat a poor, helpless baby that way?! It brings tears to my eyes just thinking about it.
It was me. I called CPS on your stupid ass. I’m the one that gave up all your dirt and had her taken from you to go live with dad. It was me. I don’t regret it at all and I’m sorry I didn’t do it sooner. I don’t care that you came into the daycare upset and accusing everyone. I don’t care how it affected your child support and job. Nothing mattered. No one ever found out it was me.
I miss that little girl terribly. I hope she is doing ok. I wish I could remember her dads name so I could look him up on fb. It just breaks my heart there are babies out there so neglected by their parents. I had to leave the daycare shortly after that but I’m glad I called CPS while still there.
I’ve never told a soul and I don’t know why is bothering me, I just needed to get it off my chest.
I love you Stink Stink! ❤️
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self.offmychest
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My birth day. Unemployed since graduation 1 year ago. Can't get past company interviews. For 9 months my girlfriend put up with it but about 2 months ago she dumped me. She's very ambitious, while I am not. But I want to be. Part of it is because I don't know what I want to do but the other part is I'm just so unmotivated. I may be depressed. I'm seeing a new therapist next week.
I thought I was fine but it just gets worse. I have dreams of her and cry over it. I have wishful thinking when I start my job (not sure) in Jan she'll be with me again but I know it might not even be like that.
She was the only one who celebrated my birthday in college. I tried Shadow of War and didn't really enjoy it. I got my eyebrows done for free because she told me they do it for free the night before she left me. My dad sent me a happy birthday email and my mom bought a cake. I played Dota at night, had some fun with some online friends.
I never knew I was this weak. I wish I could go back and just work harder at finding a job, being more confident, and not wasting so much time. I wish I didn't devolve into what I am today. But I am and I'm just so hurt I lost her. It will haunt me for the rest of my life.
I'm just so fucked up.
I'm just so fucked.
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self.offmychest
|
getting lost in my thoughts Hey guys,
I'm new to this subreddit and would like to ask you for help.
My problem is that I often get really lost in my thoughts, especially when I'm meeting friends. When there are new people around that I don't know, it gets even worse.
I often don't really know what to say and how to sit, I really carry my emotions outside and my friends know immediately when I'm not in a good mood.
I usually get really anxious before meeting friends because I feel like I kind of have to compete and act happy and social.
All I would like to do is just stay at home and watch movies, read, listen to music.
When I smoke weed, the anxiety in groups usually gets worse but it really depends on the people.
Unfortunately most of my friends smoke weed so it's kind of hard to say I don't want to smoke, especially when they are celebrating birthday like today.
I think I'm somewhat afraid of the fear itself and super aware to the slightest change in my mood so I often get caught in those feelings when I'm around others.
What I'm looking for are simple, maybe even physical tips that can help me through those hours without acting unsocial or sad.
When I drink alcohol, I get relatively chilled but I don't want to rely on that because I easily get addicted.
I try to meditate every second day but in the last 2 weeks I only managed to do it for 2 or 3 times.
What can I do? :(
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self.Anxiety
|
What exactly does being "unstable" mean? So I had a 3 hour assessment with a psychiatrist today, went through my history for the past 2 years at the end he summed what is going in his report including that in his opinion I am unstable
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self.depression
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I (27f) don't know how to fix what I did. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I'm a teacher and I'm struggling to get by Often teachers complain about the job. There's a lot of paperwork, they say, the hours are tedious, etc. What about if you've always done pretty well in school, been considered bright and creative, and then you go into teaching and you can barely write a decent lesson plan?
I'm not a very good teacher. I've been teaching for two months now and I'm 25. I've never been so exhausted in my life... it hurts to be so tired. I also struggle with depression, but the medication doesn't work anymore. I've noticed that many, many teachers take antidepressants.
I always thought I would be a compassionate, liberal teacher with love for my kiddos. I tried to be those things but the kids (17 and 18 year olds) walked on me and had little to no respect for me. I've gotten much stricter, and students complain and act like I am giving them a prison sentence. I feel a sense of guilt and shame for being such a strict enforcer of discipline.
I try to connect what my students are learning to their lives - we've studied about criminal justice and I connected it to the school to prison pipeline, we've studied and race and I've connected it to their situations (all of my students are Latina/Latino).
I work at a charter school for low income students in Texas. Almost all of the kiddos are at-risk and almost all of them graduate from high school and go on to college. Having this perspective reminds me why I started this job, but I'm genuinely fearful of walking into my classroom at times.
What if I'm just terrible at this job and I've made a huge mistake with my career? My health is declining, my self worth is declining, and my lesson plans are weak because of this.
If I did quit... I don't even know what I would do. I can't imagine that my friends, family, and husband would look at me the same way.
I feel a bit hopeless.
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self.offmychest
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Just started Lexapro So my doctor had recommended that I start Lexapro, I’m taking 10mg but iam starting off with half a pill. I’m just wondering if Lexapro helped anyone with their anxiety and panic attacks. And also how the journey went while taking this med, I know there are a few side effects. Another concern for me is withdrawing from the drug I don’t wanna have to take this for the rest of my life, another concern is that I’m a college student who likes to go out and drink on weekends with friends, how does alcohol or even weed affect you while on Lexapro? Should I just not drink or smoke at all now that I stated the meds? thanks a bunch for the support :)
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self.Anxiety
|
Talking to myself . I’ve talked myself out of killing myself once again, or maybe I didn’t talk myself out of it, maybe I am too cowardly to actually go through with it. Last night I was ready to take as many sleeping pills as I could find around my house. Today I felt different , depressed still, but in a different way. I couldn’t put my finger about what made me somewhat hopeful for the future, but something did. I am a 22 year old man who just got his 2nd OWI (operating while impaired for those of you who aren’t familiar ) and after the first I swore I’d never get another, but I think every repeat offender has told themselves that. When i was in jail I kept looking around thinking to myself that I don’t belong here. But yet my excessive drinking led me to this point. I drank to sleep, I have a habit of not being able to sleep for 2-3 days at a time. Drinking solved that in a way, I had tried every sleeping pill and dosage available to someone like me. So drinking was the last resort and I clung to it without seeing the issue. I drank to help my depression, drinking seemed to give me wings so to speak. Drinking let me feel like I wasn’t miserable , like I could focus on a singular thought without driving myself completely insane. Drinking helped my anxiety, I would stop stressing over the things that plagued me throughout the day, while I was at work, or at school. Drinking helped me stop creating scenarios in my head, I would always think about an action I made or will make and would decipher any and all possibilities, good or bad. Drinking saved me for a long time. But it hurt me in the end, almost just like a snake biting you and then asking why it bit you. After all the snake would tell you that you knew it was a snake before you picked it up, so why did you expect it to not bite you? Today is different , I don’t want to drink. I want to run, so I did. I ran as long as I could, to every song I could possibly listen to in my running playlist . Every word ringing in my head louder than the last, as cliche as it sounds , I think today I’m absorbing more. I’m absorbing more around me and inside of me. I feel like I’m turning a corner, but at the same time I’m hoping there isn’t something waiting around the corner to kick me in the balls.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Nobody will care for me in the long run. I hate myself for abandoning my friends when I was young. They didn't understand my antics, which weren't that harmful, but they just crushed it to the core, so I abandoned them. I hate myself for being gay in a country where being gay is just a comic relief here. I hate myself for being an atheist in a country where the religious ones condemn us heathens. I hate myself for being a non-conformist in the bandwagon society we have here. I hate myself for not trusting people around me. They have hurt me enough to make me not trust them. I hate my family. They are more dedicated to the well-being of their reputation as "Evangelical Christians" rather than their own offspring. I hate my father. He has sexually abused me when I was a child. He also has a mistress there, which threaten to lower the money he sends every month, which is very fucking low that our family cannot survive it. My mother always borrows money from his mother, which sucks, because we have so much debt from her. I fucking hate everyone, and everything, even to my friend, which gives me hope everyday. I hate her for having me cling to the fading hope of making things right everyday. That sucks, clearly. She's the only one that can understand me, and yet I hate her because of that. In the long run, because of my decisions, no one will care for me. Call me an asshole, anything you want, but I know myself that I haven't had any intention to hurt anyone. I just wanted to make friends with my own style, but they despised it. I just wanted to end everything. I'm unmotivated to rise up from this because of everything that has been happening. I hate myself for being unmotivated. Paradoxical, ain't it? I hate myself for having an unhealthy coping mechanism for this. Wasting money to play games. Wasting money to eat unhealthy things. I hate myself. I hate everyone. No one will care for me in the long run because of this. I hate myself for that.
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self.depression
|
I don't know where to begin... As the heading says, I don't know where to beginning my story besides stating "I want to die."
My mom died when I was 7.
I've had a terrible childhood filled with abuse.
I'm in debt (credit cards and school).
I'm dependent on others.
I can't find a job (w or w/o my degree).
I can't get into the career I have wanted since I was in high school (high school/ college teacher)
My younger siblings are doing better than me (they haven't graduated college yet).
I'm ashamed to show my face in front of my family.
And top it off I am NOT enjoying my life at all and it feels like I'm living just to survive. I want t find a reason to keep going (Family, friends, a better future), but I don't know how much longer I can go.
I have had these suicidal thoughts for a long time and they are getting worse everyday and I feel like they will break me sooner or later...
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm at my lowest, I'm desperate, my brain is in a anxious loop [deleted]
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self.depression
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This is what peapole call me [8:07 PM] bgfighter21: GOT IT ,YOU FUCKING RETARDED KID?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Seeing psychiatrist today, seeking advice before visit As the title states, I'm seeing a psychiatrist later today. I suffer from depression, generalized anxiety, and OCD. I've been on Valium to sleep and 20 mg Lexapro for everything else. So, my question is what should I be asking or looking out for to make sure I'm getting the right treatment? I think having perspective from others with similar issues would help me to get the most out my appointment.
Thanks in advance.
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self.Anxiety
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My heart is aching, i fell like something is missing from my life [deleted]
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self.depression
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Meds are making me worse My psychiatrist changed me to zoloft since my last medication did absolutely nothing. I've been on it for almost 3 months now and it just feels like things are getting worse and worse. The first 5 weeks I was bombarded by suicidal thoughts every second I was awake. But it finally calmed down a bit on the 6th week. Since things were a bit better (ie. not wishing for death every second), she upped my dosage instead of changing meds. Now I have another 3 weeks of horrible insomnia and ass-kicking depression before I can try to convince her to change it again.
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self.depression
|
Broke up with my now ex cause i didn't wanna drag her through my depression, she with my former best friend now, i wanna go kiss an oncoming train I broke up with her cause she's the kinda girl that gets really stressed if someone she's together with is feeling bad, so to spare her the pain i ended it. It didn't even take a month before she got together with my former best friend, he was the only one i'd go talk to when i wanted to end everything. I lost the 2 most valueble people in my life, at once... Going down to the trainstation and kiss an oncoming train seem like a really good idea right now...
Heartbroken, friendless, depressed, lonely, scared, confused, angry and full of regret...
Someone please help me, or atleast say something...
I don't want her back... I NEED her back...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Bipolar 2 and PMDD Crossposted in /r/bipolar2
I'm getting my period soon and PMDD has been kicking in. All I want to do is eat or kill myself. I'm beyond anxious and want to die. I know this is all irrational, and it's not "me" talking, but it doesn't excuse these awful, awful, thoughts/feelings.
I feel hopeless, worthless, and useless. Ladies with PMDD and BP2, what do you do/how do you deal with it?
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self.bipolar
|
Tips for studying? Suffering from anxiety and depression here.
Anxiety is something kind of new to me that I'm learning to deal with.
I have recently been finding that whenever I go to study I start to panic about a half hour after I start. I start to feel like I'm way too far behind and I'll never be able get all the work I need to complete done. These feelings completely pull me away from the work and I end up reading the same few sentences over and over, starting to panic more and more.
I tried to set a time I would study and got up this morning to go the library and work for 2 hours, after about a half hour of doing work and an hour of panicked attempting to work, I had to leave as it got to be too much.
Now I'm just lying in bed freaking out and feeling really really depressed, completely worthless and hopeless. Like I've always been really depressed but now anxiety is a part of my life and it just makes all the other things I deal with waaaaaaay too much for my coping mechanisms to work.
How can I fix this?
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self.Anxiety
|
I think I'm gonna end it after Christmas I'm already a failure and after Christmas I don't really have anything more to look forward to
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self.depression
|
Need you guys to convince me to seek help Been feeling really bad for the past 2 years (very depressed) and I know why I am, what's so frustrating is that I also know how to start "recovering" from it because my depression comes from stuff I went through as a kid and its something that I haven't processed well and it damaged me mentally, that's why I think that getting professional help such as some sort of therapy will help me to process it well. The problem is that I don't have the will to do it partially because if I seek help from a counselour and I start getting therapy help, my mom will have to be informed (since I'm underaged) and I really really really don't want that, this is what's keeping me from seeking that help and it's awfully frustrating because from this point on, I know that my wellbeing and future life is completely dependant on I either choosing to confront this and do something about it or deciding to stay like now and keep on rotting mentally. I know that the only way for me to recover from my depression is by seeking this help so I'm not asking for another solution, im asking for a way to convince myself to do it with no hesitation.
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self.depression
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Have you had to deal with any stigmas surrounding the disorder? If yes, how do you deal with it?
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self.bipolar
|
Off Really feel like offing myself today. Found out my girlfriend was 8 weeks pregnant and had a miscarriage on Tuesday. I just feel like nothing guys right for me and this world is better off without me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Graduated high school, afraid of the future.. I am a socially awkward guy and I have a small circle of friends in school, but that's about it.
Now that I have graduated, I decided to start working part time while waiting for national examination results.
The experience was horrible. People were fierce, bossy and inhospitable. The higher ups weren't patient at all and kept screaming at me even though it was my first time working.
All I could do was to keep bowing and apologizing.
After I got home, this made me contemplate about life.
I have not ever been good with people, and I would very much prefer spending time alone. I am also very often lost in my own thoughts, physically clumsy and slow despite being of healthy weight and even back in school people like the PE teacher liked to pick on me due to this.
Am I going to have to work in such environments after I graduate university?
Will I have to work in such a fast-paced society until I grow old and retire? In a dead end job that I'm not passionate about?
And having to constantly put up with other people and having to be nice to them despite them being rude?
I would rather die than live like this.
But of course, I do not want to think about suicide as it is never the right way out.
However, I am driven to my wits' ends as I would probably be working in some office job for the rest of my life(very common in my country)..
I want to just do everything at my own pace, and enjoy tranquility..
sigh.
The solutions to my problems seem to be very out of reach, and I know the first step I have to take is to gain confidence and become more extroverted, but if I could, I would have already done so long ago in my early teens..
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self.depression
|
Literally have no friends. Today is my birthday. I got one call, from my sister. I have 12 friends on Facebook (mostly family), so Facebook tried to "clean up" false account. I'm pretty pathetic. Not sure what to do.
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self.depression
|
I don’t know anymore Is it even worth it. They say don’t kill yourself. They say you have so much to live for but what difference does it really make. In the grand scheme of things, I’m pretty fucking insignificant.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Some stuff I know the titles pretty naff and the formatting and spelling probably will be cause I’m writing this on my phone but I just need to get some thoughts written out and maybe someone to talk to. I’m 20 years old and I’ve been dealing with ‘low mood’ since I was 13 and clinical depression since I was 17.
I was diagnosed with a long term illness and I had to be away from school and in a hospital for about 6 months, I was meant to get home schooled afterwards to catch up on all id missed but I had a crush on this girl in my art class so I decided to go back to school and teach myself modern studies, biology, chemistry and physics and I got a 2 in all of them except physics cause I can’t math good. Fast forward to Age 17 and I’m starting to stress about everything, slowly hate myself more and more and couldn’t bring myself to get out of bed. I started to get a reputation at school for being lazy and I rolled with it cause it was easier than telling someone what was happening, that I was starting to wish I was dead and that the reason I was late for so many lessons was that I was crying in the toilet. I fell in with a group of really nice and smart people that kept me around cause I was funny and again in this group I was a lazy slacker who was late or sometimes just didn’t show up for when we had planned to outside of school cause I “accidentally slept in”. The only person who had an idea of what was happening was my mum and she was really good in getting me my first round of counselling and getting me onto some antidepressants.
After this life was looking good, I had left school and was in the middle of a college course for art and design looking to go into illustration afterwards, I even got myself a girlfriend but I hated being with her cause well she just wasn’t my type and the only reason I asked her out was cause I was lonely and I thought it gave me another reason to not kill myself, we broke up eventually which is where the next part of my story begins.
A few months later, I was about 18 and a half at this time, I had been speaking to one my friends sisters cause I’m a terrible friend like that and pretty quickly had a pretty big crush on her but she was this cool alternative girl and I thought she’d never go for this lazy loser persona I’d gotten in the group. Well we ended up spending a lot of time together outside of the group and it turned out we had a lot in common, it was amazing to me that she somehow saw past the walls I’d put up and was getting to know me for me in ways that no one had before, she wanted to know my favourite bands, movies, video games, she even asked me about my blackhawks hoodie and sat and watched a game with me, eventually I took a chance and asked her out and it turns out she had had a massive crush on me too and we started going out, and I was happy, I was actually happy for the first time in a long time so happy I quit my antidepressants cold turkey.
This is probably my biggest regret I have to this day, if only I’d kept going how I was I might not be in such bad shape now. But anyway during this year and about two month relationship a lot happened, I had some incredible times with this girl, some of the most tender and realest moments of my life but we fought a lot initially it was dumb shit but then it started being about serious shit, I would go from being fine to being inconsolable at the slightest thing and it was putting strain on the relationship. So I went and got myself back on medication and it helped me gain some perspective on things and I calmed down, but now she would start to get annoyed and stressed about the littlest things, she had issues that I was aware of and I did my best to help but she wasn’t willing to help herself, she wouldn’t get counselling, wouldn’t even ask the doctor about it, she was content with self harming and treating people around her badly she’d convinced herself that she could handle it all herself. I was devastated seeing the relationship I’d put so much store into crumbling away and my mental health started to suffer too but for the first time it was a completely internal breakdown, I wouldn’t cry in front of anyone, I exhausted myself every day putting on the smile everyone expected, I wasn’t getting any college work done there or at home, I began to distance myself from everyone emotionally but wouldn’t let it show, the world in those months felt so cold and dark and unforgiving and for the first time I saw absolutely no future for myself. So one night when I was alone I got a belt, tied it around the handle of my cupboard door and hung my self. Just as I thought that, that was it and I was finally free the handle on the door ripped itself out and I sat slouched against the door crying for hours before just getting into bed and going to sleep.
I eventually told everyone what I’d done and they all seemed even more determined to see me get the help they all thought I needed. Me and that girl eventually broke up, around two days after my 20th birthday, I couldn’t take the fact that she didn’t seem to want to get any better, the constant up and down of our relationship was doing worse things for us than it was good.
I hope she gets the help she needs, I still dream of her sometimes, sometimes we argue in my dreams, sometimes My dreams are replays of those gentle and tender memories that we shared. I don’t miss her and what she became but I miss what she was and meant to me at that time in my life.
Fast forward about 5 months and i was doing fine for a while until reacently and Now I’m at the lowest I’ve felt since the first time I tried to kill myself, I want to die but I don’t have the energy, everyday is a struggle, every word I speak takes 100times the effort that the last one took. My dose of antidepressants has been put up and if I haven’t started to feel better in a month I’ve been given the option of more. I’ve cut myself off completely from all of my friends and I don’t know how to tell them that I miss them and I want someone to talk to. The only friend I was still talking to I’ve not spoken to in about a week cause he said the ways In which I was trying to better myself and my life where stupid. I’ve finally gotten the house to myself for the first time in a while and I’ve spent the last two hours typing this out and crying on the bathroom floor and I’ll probably just stay here till someone gets in then I’ll put the smile back on and try not to worry them. If I had one wish i think I could go for a really long hug but the world is dark and cold and unforgiving so I guess the floor will do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I think that my Mam is emotionally abusive ? She thinks she's normal? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Relationships make my anxiety go away... for a few months. Then it comes raging back. Then I run away from the relationship. Then I get depressed. Rinse. Repeat.
Does this happen with anyone else?
I swear the first few months of a relationship is my perfect anti-anxiety pill. Two problems with that:
1. The effect is so strong that I fail to establish any real empathic bonds in the short time I’m in la la land. I just scheme how to make the person keep wanting to be with me.
2. It wears off and I run away because I realize I’ve been using the other person and I can’t deal with the shame.
Anyone have any ideas or solutions? S.O.S.
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self.Anxiety
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One of my realist, deepest fears One of the realist fears I have that haunts me is being left alone. I don't really have a lot of close friends, but that's okay because quality of quantity. I have 2 amazing close friends and I feel like that's all I have, and all I need. But one of my biggest fears is those friends moving away, going far away to places and I'm stuck here, left alone. It's a fucking scary thought because I don't want to be left alone, I don't want the only people I care about to be gone. It's tormenting, please don't leave me here. I'm not a very social person, I need my alone time, but when it comes to people I truly care about, I don't want to be left alone. I think that's one of my deepest, most real fear I have, Is losing the people I care about. These thoughts hurt me too much, the fear of losing people carry's such a heavy emotional weight to it, so heavy that I broke down in tears multiple times typing this, I can't even remembered the last time I cried. I just can't help but start crying just by thinking about it. Please, please don't leave me here alone. I've probably spent 95% of my 19 year old life alone and I can't take it anymore, I feel like i'm gonna break soon, I won't be able to handle it when they leave. We're gonna grow apart, grow old and never see each other again, and I will have no one. I don't know how much longer I will last when I have no one by my side.
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self.Anxiety
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The worst thing is When you have about a week or two where you’re feeling good and you start to think your depression might be gone but then it comes back stronger than ever and you’re back to feeling like a sad shell of a person
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self.depression
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I never measure up It’s all a fashion show now days. Who’s got the luscious thick blonde long hair or who has the size 2 coke bottle body. I’m 24 and I’ve got curves and I’m not afraid to eat. I compare myself to others constantly. Always looking to be better or sexier or appealing. And so far the only way I’ve been appealing is when I’m drinking. That’s the only time I feel confident and on top of the world. I open up and I laugh and smile. Sober me is boring and wayyy to shy. I hate being shy I’ve been this way since I was born. It’s traveled with me for years and years and kept me from living. Along with my anxiety and depression. I just wish I had more of a tough self esteem and dealt with things better. I feel like I’m never enough for who I truly am because I’m just not flashy or a frikkin fake woman. Ughh idk why I’m writing this. It’s stupid and I should just pray to god and ask for guidance
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self.Anxiety
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I don't know how to deal with this right now... I've know for a while now that my best Army friend was going to die from cancer. I've been preparing myself for this for months now. I made it a point to go visit him as much as I could this last year, easier said than done when he lives 1200 miles from you. At least I will always have that time, but fuck me this hurts. I don't have a lot of friends as it as and then for this to happen when I'm at damn near the lowest I could possibly be just seems to be adding insult to injury.
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self.offmychest
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Is my constant state of panic bad for my physical health? I guess the short and easy answer is yes, according to various google results, but I'm posting to see if anyone has more information or personal experience. I saw somebody in another sub mention that they feared the amount of stress they were under was going to have bad long term health effects. I pretty much feel panic at all times, literally like the feeling you get as a little kid when you loose your mom in a crowd, but literally all the time and in any situation, even just sitting alone. Will I have problems later in life as a result of this? The last thing I need is for my anxiety's effects to hit me again years from now in the form of something that's going to kill me.
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self.Anxiety
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I have 0 motivation. Looking for advice. Basically, I can't even push myself to do mindless activities like watching tv or playing video games like used to be able to do. Everything has a dreadful feeling to it, even sleeping. My stomach is constantly in pain from these feelings. The only thing I've been able to do lately is drive for long periods of time and listen to music, and that's getting expensive. It's been getting worse for the past month and the semester is starting on Monday. I'm running out of ideas, any advice would be awesome.
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self.Anxiety
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Anyone else consistently tell them selfs their life is worse then it is. Like I have no friends when I actually do or I'm unlovable and boring but you actually just haven't met anyone that appreciates you.
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self.Anxiety
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Tapering down from benzos (Valium) to eventually quit, just needing encouragement that it will get better. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Has anyone else experienced a massive crash after stabilizing on LamoTRIgin? Was in a severe mixed episode and got back on my medication (LamoTRIgin). I used to be on a 200 mg dose, and am only on a 100 mg now, but I had stabilized and felt worlds better. I'm crashing hard though and I'm not sure if it's because I just need to keep upping my dose or if it's an issue with the LamoTRIgin in general? Has anyone else experienced this?
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self.bipolar
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I can’t stop thinking about it. It’s a constant battle to convince myself out of suicidal thoughts. It’s just a common thought in my mind now and today I had to stop and think about why the hell it was popping into my head. I love my life. But yet here I am thinking about how easy it would be how quickly I could put the little trivial things that cause me such anxiety and depressive thoughts, to rest for good.
I need help.
But what kind I don’t know. I’m on meds I have tons of support. But I just can’t shake these thoughts.
What should I do?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Goal Setting Sunday 12.10.17 What do you want to work toward this week? Let's set some goals to lead better lives together.
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self.bipolar
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My depression is ruining my relationship and I don’t know what to do I am a 22 year old female and I was diagnosed with major depressive disorder when I was 14 and have been on some cocktail of antidepressants ever since.
Some background:
- I didn’t always like sex. I was practically asexual before I started dating my current boyfriend about 4 years ago. I didn’t think about sex. I didn’t care about sex. And it all seemed pointless and disgusting until we got serious.
- I hate being touched. Absolutely hate it. Throughout my entire lifetime I have probably hugged my parents maybe a dozen or so times. I once instinctually punched someone in the face just for touching my shoulder to move past me. That was a wake up call and I’ve made a conscience effort to calm down and handle human contact. But sometimes, it hurts.
- Both me and my boyfriend go to college and due to transportation issues we barely see each other during the school year. I live alone and have very few friends so I’ve gotten used to being closed off.
I’ve never really had that high of a sex drive, but my boyfriend and I were usually able to work with or around it. But over time, my depression has only gotten worse: my medication no longer works (again), no progress is being made in therapy, and I’ve found that I am becoming less and less able to function as a stable human being.
Lately, I’ve been focusing my efforts on getting better. My psychiatrist and I are trying to find a new antidepressant cocktail and I’ve enrolled myself in an intensive outpatient program (IOP), and I’m going to try to start exercising again. But, I’m afraid a rift has already been created in my relationship.
We’ve talked extensively about what I’ve been going through. We’ve even seriously considering breaking up because of this issue. I am no longer affectionate and I almost never want to have sex anymore. Practically every touch I’ve experienced, both romantic and platonic, has caused me physical pain. And I just want to be kept to myself as much as possible. My boyfriend is practically the opposite of me: he craves touch and attention. I’m trying to keep him satisfied, but it is difficult to put effort into the relationship when I barely even want to be alive. But I love him and I want him to feel loved, it just feels like I’m trying to use more energy than I have.
He’s being very patient with me. We’ve agreed that we will seriously reevaluate our relationship and what we want after I finish IOP. I’m just worried because I don’t want to lose him, but if I don’t have much progress in the following months . . . something might give. I might have to stop school and take a medical leave to be hospitalized. We might have to break up because I can’t handle a relationship at the moment and I’m not giving him what he needs; continuing this might not be fair for either of us. I don’t want to do either of those things, but I’m not sure if I can keep this up.
I know that I have time and a plan, but I have no guarantee. Everything is up in the air and I just want to be better. A better girlfriend, a better student, better mental health. For almost six months now I’ve felt completely broken. And while I swore that I would never kill or intentionally harm myself, I’m amazed that I’m even still alive.
I just feel so trapped and hopeless and I don’t know what to do. I have so few people in my life, and while it won’t be the end of the world, I can’t help but feel how terrible things would be if I lose him.
I don’t know what to do.
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self.depression
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I don’t know where to go from here. To make a long story short, in January I had my first panic attack while I was smoking weed. This caused me to worry about existence and reality. Daily id worry that I wasn’t in reality, that I was in the matrix type simulation, that I was stuck in a dream or in a coma. This moved on to worrying about me being gay, worrying about harming my loved ones and myself, having a brain issue, being schizophrenic, psychotic, sociopathic. I guess I might have body dysmorphic disorder which I guess would make sense because it’s a subtype of OCD which is what all these worries sound like. My biggest fear is now that I’m transgender and won’t be happy living as a guy anymore and it is by far the worst and most anxiety inducing fear I have had since the derealization episodes I’d have. I just can’t seem to stop having anxiety. The thoughts are constant every day when I wake up to sleeping except in times I have to focus completely on a task I’m doing.
I saw a therapist and it wasn’t the best, I went to a psych. And was prescribed zoloft for depression like symptoms and it doubles as an ocd med but had little help. Now I’m out of zoloft and my psych doesn’t accept my insurance and I haven’t found a new one because my parents don’t understand how much it’s affecting me and are worried that medication is just going to make side effects for me so I get little help except to just “stop worrying and calm down just relax” from their advice. I don’t know what to do.
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self.Anxiety
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Anyone know how to get over the feeling of wasting your youth? [deleted]
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self.depression
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I hate everything and everyone Just my last thought before bed. Needed to say it even if no one sees it.
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self.depression
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I need some serious help. There's something wrong with me and I don't know what, and I'm afraid to talk to anyone about it. There's a TL;DR at the end.
Both /r/BPD and /r/sociopath don't allow these kind of posts, and I think I belong there.
This is a very, very long post, but please, just someone, tell me what the fuck is wrong with me and where I can get help. I'm so sick of these thoughts. The one time I told someone I got told I'm an edge-lord, they thought I was kidding.
I've typed this all in my own language, I'm translating it on the go.
The only way I spend my free time is preferably on my own in my room, trying to not think about my problems. Trying to get rid of these horrible thoughts. The thoughts that spin around in my head every single day.
The thoughts about people who have wronged me in my life. But also thoughts about people who wronged me in situations that I completely made up.
I have visuals of hurting people and doing other awful things to them, usually loved ones. Including all details.
And when I have these, I feel calm. I feel good.
This is the best way for me to regain my calmness after something happens in my life.
I can't get rid of these thoughts. I try everything, I socialise but I don't like it. I play games, I listen to music, but it just keeps going. Every single day.
And whenever I think about talking to people, or try, I can't get it out. I don't want people to be afraid of me, but at the same time, I want them to be. I don't want people to think I'm just some fake edgy 20somewhat year old that hasn't gotten out of puberty yet. They don't understand that I'm serious.
I don't like myself, I hate myself, for having these thoughts. And every day I want to act upon them a little more.
I'm afraid for the day I will act upon them.
The only thing that keeps me from doing horrible things is the fact that I know that I will get in trouble with the law. I don't want to be locked up. I just want help and I want these thoughts to stop.
I don't want to hurt or murder or do horrible things but something inside me tells me it's the only way to get rid of it.
It's not a voice, it's a feeling. And it's very faint, but sometimes it's very strong. It's always there.
When I'm in class, I want to bang someone's head against the desk multiple times and break his nose because I have a feeling he's talking about me.
At work I want to slit my wrists with the little knife I've gotten to open packages
At home I want to get completely wasted because then the feelin stops and I feel okay. I don't have an alcohol problem, I don't give into it. I want to, but I don't drink. I know it's only going to make things worse.
It's usually people close to me in my thoughts and visuals. Friends, family, partners.. Loved ones in general. But not always. Sometimes it's just a normal person on the bus that looks at me the wrong way and then I'd love to kick his teeth in.
I just want it all to stop. I've done multiple suicide attempts but never fully comitted to it. Which I'm proud of.
I cut myself sometimes, because then the feeling goes away for a while.
I want help. I want to live a normal life. I want to do whatever I need to do to get rid of this all, but I don't want to hurt people. I don't want to give in to it. But I know I will soon, I'll do some horrible things soon. I can't take it anymore. At times I want to grab something sharp and hurt my family. I've had countless thoughts about trying to get a gun and get rid of the people that have wronged me.
But I don't want to. I want to be normal.
I'm aware I'm completely fucked in my head, but I don't want to be. I'm so sick of it.
And whenever I'm happy, I feel guilty. I can't be happy. I need to be either sad, or angry. But I want to be happy.
I feel very emotional unstable.
And the rest of the world doesn't know. People used to compliment me for being very mature for my age back when I was younger, but little did they know.. People say I'm very level headed and I have a lot of patience. I'm not. I don't. I just don't ever express my true thoughts and feelings.
I've ruined enough relationships and friendships because of these thoughts.
I want to stop manipulating people to always get what I want. I lie, I manipulate, I do everything just to get what I want. And I can't change. But I want to.
Someone please help me
TL;DR: I can't get rid of my thoughts of doing horrible things to people. I always lie and manipulate to get what I want. The slightest thing makes these thoughts appear and the only way to get rid of them is to act them out, or they keep reappearing in my head.
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self.depression
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Money Would solve all my problems Don't know if this is the best place to post this but it's true. Every job I had I've quit due to anxiety issues and I owe a lot of debts which have made me even more anxious, and if I had money I could pay all that off and not have to worry anymore about that stuff, and I also wouldnt have to deal with anxiety at any jobs.
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self.Anxiety
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I don't know what I'm going to do with my life, I don't know how I'm going to 'grow up,' and currently I can only imagine myself being dead. Not successful, not independent, not anxiety-free, just dead. I have little hope that one day I simply won't be mentally sick anymore. I don't understand what I'd be working for if not that, and if I can't reach normal to the point of being on the same plane as everyone else, it seems pointless to try at all. I don't even see the point in working towards almost-healthy-but-not-really. All I've ever been is almost-but-not-really.
I'm two years out of school, never having had a job, and I can't drive. I have thousands of halfway finished projects under my belt as well as a school career of slightly-above-average-but-still-mediocre grades. There's nothing about what I've done already to make future progress easier. There's nothing about *me* that could possibly make future progress easier. Sure, I'm a high school graduate, but most people graduate from high school. It's expected.
I'm lazy, I'm not good at any of my hobbies, I have too many fears. I mean I didn't even join any school clubs for longer than a month. I had so many opportunities to do all the dumb teenager things everyone does, like smoke weed or get drunk on someone's parents' alcohol, yet I colored inside the lines because going outside of them was too scary. Any perceived risk was too much risk, which is ironic considering I've nearly starved myself to death and regularly eat sushi. But I digress.
I have exactly two people I considered actual friends. I haven't talked to either in months, probably as a result of my tendency to suck up other people's life force like cattails to water. I don't like my family much either.
Maybe I need therapy, but I've never liked what any therapists have had to tell me. *You need medication. That existential crisis-inducing thought is just depression. That desire to starve yourself into nothing is just OCD. Take the medication. OCD. Depression. Take the medication.* ***Take the medication.*** But I did take the medication and it made me feel empty, and I'll take sad but with many dumb ideas over an echo-box of a skull any day.
Truth be told, sometimes it felt like the implication was that I couldn't have a bad thought, because *all* bad thoughts were tied to some disorder or swatted away as being unimportant because other people "like me" manage to live happy lives, yet I don't so it must not be related to the problem I brought up but instead, *me.*
Given this, I don't know what to do, so I simply don't. It feels like my brain is keeping a map and marking off all the ways I can't move. Or maybe it's like the cage I let myself roam keeps getting smaller and smaller. I can easily see myself dying before I get out, if I get out, and not necessarily because I tried to kill myself. I'm just not looking forward to much else anymore.
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self.offmychest
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Lost my job, wrecked my car, dwi charge, I'm living with my parents after a divorce, i'm fucking lost and feel hopeless.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I accidentally uncovered a repressed memory that explains the origin of my unhealthy fetishes Please know that I am having trouble writing this down in a discernible manner, and the very act of doing so is causing physical pain in my stomach. I am also avoiding names for obvious fear of any party stumbling across this.
About 7 years ago I worked with a girl at McDonald's. We got along really well right from the get go, and soon we were hanging out all the time. This slowly turned into us drinking every weekend with a group of work friends. I should point out now that my older brother (about 2 years older) also worked with us and occasionally joined for these drinking nights and was thus a friend of her. Without spending a painstaking amount of time to iterate it, I was pretty hardcore friendzoned; I fell hard for her and she was just genuinely not interested in a romantic relationship with me. Fast forward a few months and I had reached a point of passive acceptance- I had resigned myself to being ok with just being a friend because she was the only one I ever hung out with anymore, otherwise I spent my days in my room in a depressed stupor playing video games. We always texted to see if the other wanted to hang out, but lately she had been wanting to come over and play a game with me all the time (I had told her that I played it a lot in Middle School and she and bought me it for Christmas). It started out harmlessly, every now and then we'd go bug my brother to see if he wanted to play or what he was up to (his room was in a side building of the house).
One time I was playing and she was sitting down and hopped up and just said "I'm gonna go see what your brother is doing," and i just sorta handwaved it. She came back 10-15 minutes later and just said he was doing homework and didn't wanna come play, whatever. I won't say I was never suspicious, sometimes I would still come with her, but it seemed almost every time she came over, she'd go to his room for a bit, but never an incredible amount of time (as far as I can recall). Well one night, she had insisted we hang out and play games and maybe invite some friends over later. Within about 20 minutes she left to get check on my brother and was gone for an hour. I tried desperately to justify it in my head, but by the time she came back I was furious. Even worse she just came down the stairs and plainly asked me for a ride home. I couldn't even give her an answer, I went back to my room and she just sent me a text that said something to the effect of, "it's ok I'll walk home, I deserve it anyways." Somewhere in my lizard brain I allowed myself to feel guilty and ended up driving around looking for her since it was a several hour walk home; I really wish I hadn't.
I asked her at some point what happened up there and she plainly denied any insinuation that they had done more than talk. I didn't assume my brother would knowingly fuck me over, so I asked him forwardly at one point too, since despite it all I still liked her (color me pathetic), and he firmly denied it saying that she had insisted on it and wanted it, but nothing had ever happened. He could be an asshole, but I thought when it came down to serious conversation, I could trust him to tell me the truth. So, despite my suspicions, I let it drop. I stayed wary friends with the girl, but over time we started to drift apart and eventually I made some new friends which funnily enough, made her jealous and she stopped talking to me.
I should point out now that I'd always been a fetishistic person, sometimes to what I perceive to be unhealthy extremes, but that's not the point of this. I am what would be referred to as a sub, I enjoy being psychologically dominated, and no that's not the fetish i consider damaging. I was a virgin at the time and already indulging in these submissive fantasies, but it was relatively tame. I had no real gauge for what a real sexual relationship should have been, but had been friendzoned before in less volatile ways.
Repressed Memory Time:
I smoked a good amount of weed yesterday and went all hyper-introspective, and while I won't regale you with the thought process, the moment I fully acknowledged the truth of it literally knocked the wind out of me.
Some months after this whole story happened I was at a New Year's Eve party at a friend's house with the same brother, who had been hanging out with some mutual friends. Well, I showed up a little buzzed and as soon as I got there I saw my brother with one of our friends who was very clearly plastered drunk, and the first words my friend said when he saw me were, "Hey (my brother)! You should tell (me) about all those times you smashed that girl you guys were working with!" The look of alarm on my brother's face spelled the entire story out for me, he immediately shot daggers at our friend and went to do damage control, but I very quickly headed him off and said, "It's ok (brother), I already knew."
I didn't.
I still don't remember the rest of that night. Everything about the entire scenario is still coming back in bits and pieces. I remember now that I walked away from that conversation and sat alone for a very long time, thinking about literally every time she had gone up to see him, and realize they had probably been fucking literally every single time I wasn't there while I was playing video games next door waiting for her to come back. I knew he had blatantly lied to me and that he had been fucking the girl I had feelings for and yet some part of my mind didn't want to wrap itself around that, and maybe it was because I was buzzed or whatever, but it's an absolute mindfuck to realize that I had no recollection of that exchange until yesterday.
I understand to some this may not seem as big a deal as I see it, but the breaking point of this was the realization that it was after that point that my submissive fetishes got absolutely out of control. Cuckholding, forced feminization, forced cock worship, turning me into their clothing, smothering, literally willing me out of existence so they could fuck other men, I buried myself in it. I don't kink shame people, but the caliber and reason that I indulged in these fetishes I'm realizing now is purely because my mind refused to cope with the fact that I had been used as a vehicle for a girl to fuck my brother, and my brother who I legitimately trusted lied to my fucking face about it. They destroyed my self esteem, they stopped being a sexual desire and they morphed into this disgusting view I had of myself as wanting only to find a girl who would objectify and abuse me psychologically. I don't know who to talk to about these feelings, I had other issues that came up with my brother over the next few years but we reconciled, and now I'm furious at him again over something that he thinks I forgave him for, but in truth I just didn't remember.
As a side note, please know that the person in this story is no longer who I am today. Through a mixture of therapy, misshaps, and self-help, I've grown a spine and respect myself far more than I used to, but the fetishes are still highly prominent in my sexual desires. I really don't know what to think about all of this and my mind is reeling, it feels surreal, it seems like such a stupid fucking mundane thing and yet my mind deemed me incapable of coping with it and ripped my personality into a tattered mess of self-loathing as a result.
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self.offmychest
|
Advice dealing with Manic ideas Hey everyone,
Just to start, I myself am not bipolar, but I’ve met the most wonderful woman in the world, and she is. I’m still learning the ropes here, but it’s been going fairly smoothly so far. (I think, she always thinks she’s worse than she is)
However today something happened, and while I’m not upset, I’m just worried and curious about how I should handle this. Completely spur of the moment she just dropped everything and is flying to another city for the weekend, for some personal reasons. The idea of going is making her ridiculously happy, and relieving a lot of the stress she’s been feeling, so I support it somewhat, despite worrying the fuck out of me.
My question is, how should I be responding to things like this? My instinct is to just go to her, and while not force her to stay, I want to try to delay her and calm her down until she might come around. On the other hand, I’m worried that this will just upset her and lead to a flip of anger or depression.
So I guess the question for future episodes is, should I attempt to be the voice of reason and try to block these impulses, or should I just let her do them, and forgive her after? If someone stopped you from doing what you wanted during a manic period, would you resent them after?
To be clear, I’d never physically force her to not do something. Just try to talk her out of it, and probably hug her to death.
Thanks for any advice!
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self.bipolar
|
My Heart is a Tomb My heart is a tomb. Cold, dark, desolate. You took your warmth with you. And left me behind to mourn. This empty crypt is a sad reminder of the love that once lived between us. The warmth I felt across the miles. So much laughter shared and so many smiles. I stop by the tomb with flowers now and then. A tribute to a love once shared. They rot in a week… leaving a sickly, sweet smell. An olfactory reminder of decaying love. My heart is a tomb.
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self.depression
|
My therapist is asking me to go to a partial hospitalization program or she won't treat me I started seeing a therapist a month ago and she's only an intern. She was worried about me, and then I wanted to jump off a bridge and went to one, so she got her supervisor involved. She thought last Thursday it might be okay for me to see her twice a week, go to group therapy once a week and see a psychiatrist, but now she's said she'll only continue to see me if I get long-term, intensive treatment via inpatient or outpatient.
There's a PHP program that's four to five day a week for eight weeks for four hours a day. I'm scared about going to the hospital and taking medication. I will probably actually die if I don't do this though.
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self.depression
|
Made a fool of myself at new job Hi /r/Anxiety,
So about 2 months ago I finished up with my counsellor after 6 months after he thought that I made some brilliant progress. I won't go into intensive detail but I was diagnosed with GAD and at the time depression that was getting severely worse. I am much better now than I was and depression is something I can fight now however last week in work I made a complete fool of myself and my anxiety is currently keeping me from getting out of bed.
I used to be a supervisor of the cleaning at a hospital but left the department for another job in Procurement. All was good however the job was a little below my skill level which I knew going into it as I saw this as a sort of step down to move forward. Then my old job came back with an offer of new hours and most likely due to being "homesick" and panicking I made the wrong move I stupidly accepted and told my new job after being there about 3 weeks. I then talked about this with my SO who didn't want me to go back and after a long discussion changed my mind. I went back and told my new boss I've now changed my mind again!!
Not only this but I blurted out that I was just worried the job was a bit below my skill level and that I'm a career focused person. I don't even know where that come from I keep on replaying it in my head and I sounded like such an idiot. So I basically told my manager and director that I was leaving, then changed my mind and that I was staying, then told them that I thought the job was boring and I could do better!
They were great with me in all honesty they talked about examples of people moving up from my role and offered me development in the form of shadowing them a day or two a week and doing some project work for them after I get settled in. They even said they've been in this situation themselves before and not to worry about anything as long as I'm comfortable in my decisions. I just can't shake the feeling that I've annoyed everyone with my stupidity and seriously damaged my image in the first month of working there. I'm trying to use some of the tools in a book my Counsellor gave me but nothing seems to be working right now. I am just so fed up of being like this.
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self.Anxiety
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I suck at everything, even at things I (used to) think I am good at [removed]
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self.depression
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I don't even feel sad anymore and the absence of being able to outlet any feeling is disturbing me. Now I'm doubting I've ever been depressed or that my will for suicide was too pathetic. [deleted]
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self.depression
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On the brink this time I don’t know where else to turn here.
I’m a professional dad of a special needs child. I’ve been married for twelve years, and I’ve just fucked everything up. I was an intense affair for a close friend and partner in a grassroots organization for about two months - having sex 3-4 times a week right under everyone’s nose, exchanging “i love you’s” several times daily, her telling me she would always take care of me (she knew about my depression) - until her husband found us out after an accidentally saved Snap a few days ago. She immediately decided to stay in her marriage, and is just gone. I am withdrawing from the organization we’ve built, because I can’t stand to see her face without knowing i can’t hold her. I’m back in my own marriage, which I’d love to begin to fix, but I’m afraid will never be enough. I’m exiled to our furnished attic, due to my months of lying, and just shitting on everything we built in our marriage. Every interaction I have with my child seems like a failure lately. I feel like I’m truly taking up space here, and that everyone is ready to move on without me.
I slept about 18 hours today. Kept on combining weed, bourbon, melatonin, and my antidepressant to stay down. We’re out of Xanax, or that would have been in the mix. I am only happy when I am asleep. I made a bullshit attempt, taking 11 Citalopram, back in October, and all that got me was an annoying night in the hospital.
I feel like the only thing holding me back right now is not deciding on the “How.” I wish I had a gun. That would made things so much easier, but I don’t. So i sit here, looking on the net for a way to actually do it that I’d like. I can’t find one. I am in hell.
Yes, I am in therapy, both individual and couples. Yes, I have a psychiatrist. Fuck them.
If I am here, it is because I am tired of hearing of friends who want me to “do the right thing” which, too often, sounds like doing the right thing BY THEM, or friends who just want to yell “adulterer” at me, and tell me how much better off i am without someone I deeply love. This is truly one of my last places to turn to, and my first Reddit post at all. Please say something. Thanks.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
21F worthless isolated loser I don't have any close friends, my parents are dead and even though I'm at a university surrounded by a lot of people, I feel alone more than ever. I don't have anyone to talk to so this post will most likely be fairly long.
I was adopted when five and my adopted parents pasted away my freshman year of High School. I was physically abused by my biological mother and verbally abused by my adopted parents until their death. I have permeant scaring on my legs from cigarette buds that my biological mother would burn me with. I don't remember much since I was so young, but the permeant scaring on my legs is a constant reminder.
My biological parents may not have physically abused me, but the emotional distressed they have caused me is something I may never shake. When I messed up me parent would yell at me or give me a "but whopping" (which I don't really consider abuse compared to what my biological mother did) and if I cried I was spanked again. My "dad" was super verbally abusive. He would tell me that I was worthless and ugly and if I messed up he would call me a piece of shit. Which really messed me up. I remember my freshman year of college I didn't do so good on one of my programming assignments and my first thought was to kill myself because I had failed. I have extreme anxiety in social settings which inhibits me from making friends or having people want to be my friend.
My whole life I have never felt like I had a family and that is something I want more than anything. I have been feeling extremely low recently because I'm beginning to realize that I may never have a family of my own. A lot of girls my age are beginning to get engaged and no one has ever bothered to pursue me. I have never even been asked out on a date. I feel unwanted and I am beginning to think that I may never have a family of my own. I'm sick of being worthless.
If somehow I were to find out rn that I would end up alone, I would not hesitate to kill myself at that exact moment.
I don't think I can take much more of this.
I wish my (bio) mom would have drowned me in that bathtub.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
It Just Makes Sense I must say firstly I am destined to die anyway, so does it really matter if I kill myself? Regardless, I am utterly talentless and commonly disliked. Some may like me at first, like how many people seem to have had romantic feelings towards me. However they later become just like the others disliking me as well. I am in college currently on the clock to fail out. I am so irresponsible I have to weigh everyone else down with my wants. I hate realizing everyday that I am just on to fail and feel the displeasures I commonly feel on a repetitive and truly dulling cycle. I constantly have an internal battle where I tell myself I don't seek respect, that I am logical and complete in my reasoning on the matters of morality and that my emotions don't blind me. I try to justify my selfishness as human even though I am all to sure that I am weak and far too childish which may be the only reason I have these thoughts. I hate others most likely because they have gained more and I am truly jealous. When I think I have made a decision I can never commit to it. I know there is so much wrong with me, I can never determine what and how to diagnose who I am. I feel as though I have Antisocial Personality Disorder and I don't feel sympathy or compassion. Then I feel others pain and enjoy it, other times I feel their pain come to me and can't tell what I feel for their misfortune. Sometimes I feel I might slightly care, then later I realize it was only that they gave me attention so then on I wish them the worst after they can longer give me this. No one has ever been able to tell me what is wrong with me. I know I have a mental barricade that I created in the past so I never really know what I think. It was made to keep others from finding me. In the process I lost myself. I try to visualize experiences of pain in incidents of interrogation and try to rationalize my ability to experience the pain, also slightly enjoying it as it reconnects me to the animals we are and the thrill of someone wanting me harmed. Humans are so fucking fake and I have been lied to all my life. I hate how humans lie to themselves and as a result lie to me. I think about trusting someone but soon see them hurting me and that they have their limits and will never be truly subservient. I considered existing just to make others feel pain, then though I considered how that was childish and it wouldn't matter. I feel as though I dislike drug usage because I wanted them but people didn't treat me well and never gave me them. Sometimes I can't tell if I hurt other or if I just wish I did. I might just dislike drugs because I couldn't get them and people treated me poorly. I might just be a misogynist because girls never liked me. I thought I liked animals but it is becoming easier and easier for me to hurt them. I also can't tell if I am gay, the thought of loving a guy scares me as I would be completely vulnerable to them. With girls I feel I could never love them so I wish to be straight. Then I am not sure if this would be good as many will likely tell me I am bigoted only as an extension of my shortcomings. Such as not being able to have sex with a girl so hating them for that reason. I am simply a creation that entertains god, a living relegation of contradictory traits. I hate when others tell me I am weaker, I hate knowing that if someone wanted to claim value from me they certainly could and that I am powerless to hurt them or destroy their value. I am limited there are always more capable people in this competitive world. I don't as much fear pain I feel, it is more the thought of others proving themselves and growing progressing off of me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
No reason to keep going No body listens. No body cares. I doubt anybody would find out for a few days even if I killed myself. I think they would be relieved to have me out of their hair. I can't do it any more.
And since noone in my real life listens, I thought at least here a few might read. Closure.
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self.depression
|
Not sure what I am supposed to be getting out of therapy. Should I get a new therapist? For a bit of background - I have struggled with depression and anxiety for my entire life. My parents put me in therapy when I was maybe 9 years old, which really only served to make me think there was something wrong with me. Honestly, it was my dad who should have been the one in therapy. If he had dealt with his issues better/earlier, things could have turned out very differently for both of us. Anyway, I digress. That therapist passed away when I was 13, after we had started to make some progress. It was the first time I truly realized that bad things happened to good people.
Since then I have seen a number of therapists, and have not felt that any of them were particularly helpful to my condition. I know many people who have been helped, and their lives changed for the better due to therapy, but it never did much for me.
I have just come up on the one-year mark of my current therapy. I was hoping to get someone who specialized in psychodynamic therapy, as this greatly helped a friend of mine, but as I am poor and on Medicaid, I basically took the first person I was offered, and gave her a shot.
For starters, she is 10 years younger than me, making her in her early-mid 20s. Not that I am agist, but that she had so little life/therapist experience gave me pause initially. Obviously in therapy, you want to feel like you are talking to someone wiser, and with great insight. I know she tries with me, but I honestly don’t know if the therapy is helpful or not. I feel like after a year it should be more apparent.
It is certainly indulgent to prattle on about myself for an hour every week, but aside from listening to me, and remembering my cast of characters, I don’t know what my expectation should be. Certainly I’ve gained a few nuggets of insight, but I don’t feel that I am significantly healthier than I was when I began therapy. She has a very passive personality, and perhaps I was expecting stronger opinions on how I can fix myself.
If you’ve made it this far, thanks for slugging through it. I’m going to speak to her in our next session about this, but I want some insight as to what others have gained from their therapy, and how I should know if I need a different approach.
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self.depression
|
The past few days have been weird. Saturday I went to a kinky party, scened with a few fine folks, but ultimately left down in the dumps because I wasn't able to scene with the person I'm most comfortable with. I need to be thrashed. I almost cried on the way home I was so disappointed, but I started feeling better by the time I got home.
Yesterday my boyfriend made plans to play with a fuck buddy of his, and in my slightly-addled head I made plans to play with a fuck buddy of ours later that same day. Went to the mall, relaxed with friends, had a good time. Then I wasn't able to get ahold of our fuck buddy and I started thinking that he wasn't coming over. I ruminated about how "this always happens", how I make plans then they fall through, started getting really pissy and negative.
Then I heard from him, he came over, and we had amazing sex. After which I got it in my head to go to the store at 9:30 at night, because we need bacon and eggs. Yay for burst of energy!
...followed by walking-through-water depression. Legs ached, head was in a fog, I walked slowly, my mood was down, I had morbid and intrusive thoughts while at the store, got home and was totally irritable and felt like bursting out into tears.
So I went to sleep. Fast forward to today! Start the day depressed, then get it in my head that I could be a psychiatric nurse practitioner, because I have lots of friends that are nurses, and I could go back to school, and I could go back to school, and and and...I catch myself, realizing that I'm having a minor delusion of grandeur. I missed breakfast, and my morning walk. I go for my afternoon walk, and I get it in my head that a couple holding hands is going to attack me as I walk past them. It doesn't happen, of course. But oh my God my boyfriend loves my music that I shared with him, and I love him so fucking much! (Because super-strong gushing out of the blue is totally normal.)
I texted my big brother about everything that's going on, and told him I"m just trying to take a "take it as it comes" attitude to what's going on mood-wise. I go home, and all of a sudden I'm bubbly and cheerful and happy again! I tell my boyfriend that my moods are unstable, that "I'm happy, but that doesn't mean I'm better." Had a good lunch. Went back to work, and I'm writing this out now.
Yeah, I think I'm definitely bipolar. LOL I'm wondering if Ultradian is the right label for me. Something to discuss with my pdoc when we meet in...t-minus 30 days.
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self.bipolar
|
Difficulty recognizing BP symptoms. Hi dear and incredibly helpful community. Have any of you had difficulty in recognizing symptoms of BP as symptoms, even in retrospect? Such as mania, hypomania, anything else that comes with it? Any tips for teasing them out as such? What has been most helpful are direct stories of maybe overreacting, specific interactions, that I can then apply. BP I is relevant relevant to me, but I think anything really helps.
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self.bipolar
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My life slowly fell apart. I had a hard time feeling like things were worth doing even before. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
My Childhood was the Happiest Point in my Life. Elementary school was the happiest time of my life, no doubt about it. Remember now having to give a shit about anything? Remember not having to conform to society? Man, I had more "girlfriends" in Elementary School than Middle School and High School combined. I loved the stupid shit that boys were into, like Beyblade, Pokemon, etc. I still open packs of Pokemon and Yugioh cards so I can feel that nostalgic joy I've grown to love. The cards smell like my childhood; like a long lost freedom.
Remember getting excited for Christmas? I used to not be able to fall asleep on Christmas Eve, but now I just want to sleep the whole fucking week away. I just want Christmas, New Years, and Valentine's Day to be done and over with. Winter sucks.
Next year will be better though, right? Right!?!?
I'm grateful for what I have. I truly wish all of you Happy Holidays and a Happy New Year. I hope everyone finds joy and happiness with their loved ones throughout this "wonderful" season. I'll try to appreciate what I have instead of whining about what I don't. That'll be my New Year's Resolution, I guess.
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self.depression
|
Feel guilty about things I did whilst manic Hey everyone. I had my first manic episode at around 16-17 and during that time I behaved pretty badly, called friends every name under the sun because I felt they were dragging me down and just generally was a dick to people. I recovered and felt very shameful about my behaviour, but was still too young to really understand the implications. Anyway, my last manic episode was about 2 years ago and coincided with heavy drug use on my part. During this episode I did something I regret more than anything else in my life. Nobody got physically hurt or anything like that, but if people were to find out they would certainly be totally crushed. Anyway, I've felt pretty horrific lately and as though there's not really anything I could ever do to make up for it. I just want to be a good person but I feel like I'll walk around everywhere with it forever hanging over me, no matter how "good" of a person I am. I can't bring myself to talk to anyone about it, I'm just a weak, cowardly person.
I'd really appreciate anyone's advice, if you've ever done something you really regret whilst manic, how did you cope with it? How do you make amends?
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self.bipolar
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I just realized that I'm unemployed... while at work. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Anyone else out there think about high school a lot? I don't know why I always think about how I was treated in school. I graduated 2 years ago, and it wasn't high school that was bad- mainly middle school and I was invisible in high school and I just never forget about it. I know past is past but part of me wants confrontation, I wanna know why it had to be that way.
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self.depression
|
Dear World Dear World,
As of today I can say that I’ve contemplated suicide at least 10 times. The first few times during fits of hormonal and emotional confusion in my pubescent stages of middle school. I can also say that yes, I do still bare scars from where I cut myself. World, my depression is rooted so deeply in my unconscious that it has slowly wrapped its roots around everything that makes me fundamentally sane. I kept a promise to an ex that I would not cut myself anymore and after 6 years I broke that promise.
World, I created a mask of happiness to hide my misery and I wear it constantly. The people that it should matter to, the people who should see behind it are completely oblivious, they think it’s the real me. People will think the cutting was for attention, that the suicidal thoughts were not serious. They were deadly so - pun intended. The reason behind the cutting was because that sting was almost full proof and it is the only distraction from the hollow and sad and anxious nothing I feel inside.
World, I have been alive almost 19 years and have repeatedly done things for others happiness, sacrificing my own. I don’t know happiness anymore. I know how it feels to laugh and smile and talk amongst others but I do not know how to make it last. I hate myself for not finding the strength to find happiness for myself.
World, I have a car now. I have what people would call “freedom”. And I only zone out behind the wheel imagining just jerking the wheel off the side of the road to see if I’ll actually die. And somehow I haven’t managed to do it.
World, what is life really? We are so fragile inside and out, all the pain strips away the courage to be daring. Why do I feel so out of place amongst people who have known me their whole lives. Why do I have a mouth that never opens to defend myself or speak my thoughts, but rather defend others. Is my anxiety my biggest weakness now because I distract myself with the work in front of me, and the work to come? Why does it attack me with nightmares of speaking to my mom, the one soul on earth that should be my confidante?
World, I don’t know my self worth anymore. I have been used, hurt, betrayed, humiliated, distrusted, lied to, misunderstood almost my whole life and now I am at a point where the decisions I make, my voice, are not something I think hold value anymore.
So tell me World, why is there still a sliver of hope in me? Why am I still alive?
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self.depression
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Does anyone else have this problem where they struggle to keep a job? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I haven't browsed this sub because I assume I'll read the same old jazz . But, I was wrong. And I need help. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I don't want to act like I only care about myself anymore to my parents I feel like a piece of shit because I wanted to talk to my mom a few minutes ago. She was doing things preparing food at Thanksgiving tomorrow. I got her agitated (again) and she lost something very important because I am a dumbass that distracted her. I just wish that they could "get me" and despite that, they always want to respond back to how annoying I am to them, and begin to level their voice in annoyance/nagging a little bit. Even just playing that tone of nagging voice in my head gives me an uneasy sick feeling. I always get in trouble for talking about my issues, no matter what. I can't "script" or prepare myself to work around it either.
"Good parents" is BS. If parents were truly "good", they wouldn't disdain or get angry over a different opinion their legal-adult kids have about certain topics, and they would understand a little more in my situation how angry, sad, depressed, heart-aching my feelings and opinions can be.
My dad can act a lot more like a monster in these situations, but I don't want to go there right now. I feel like I'm trapped and can't find a way out, unless if I accept the inevitable that I'm anxious about. I always feel blamed for my anxiety. Why can't my parents understand that? Is there something about being parents that I miss or *don't* happen to understand?
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self.Anxiety
|
I just wanna chat to someone about my shit [deleted]
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self.depression
|
18/f I don’t see hope I’m 18 and I’ve wanted to kill myself since I was 11. My mother is super abusive and my father is too, but not as bad. I have clinical depression, generally anxiety, and an eating disorder. I don’t really have any friends, I work a lot, and go to school full time. I dream to research cancer or be a forensic pathologist, but I’m so depressed I can never show up to school. I have no motivation to get out of my bed anymore. I am probably too dumb to be a doctor or maybe my mental illness is just holding me back from it. I have to drop this biology class, because it’s just too much for me right now I cannot do it. I don’t see a future or any hope for myself. My family doesn’t even love me. I’m sure my mother is a overt narcissist. I’ve also been through many traumatic things like my father kidnapping me, sexual abuse, bullying, abusive relationship, domestic abuse, and etc. i really don’t see hope for me at this point. I hate myself so much hahah
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I have no worth, I've tried my best to find meaning in life, i have no desire to carry on! Life is pointless and I'm done! Looking for worth in life is like looking for something that doesn't exist, it's a waste of time and you will get no reward at the end. I've tried my best to find meaning and worth since I was a teenager, but life is only great for a certain few, the rest are just left to rot while watching everyone else enjoy life and see all the pleasures that it can offer.
We walk around and do mundane things and try to forget the fact that we are worthless and we lack meaning! We should all just die and be forgotten, that is what we are leading too. We are born to lose, everything that was told to us early in life was all pointless and once we get older, we should just kill ourselves.
I have no desire to carry on, I have no worth and my life is pointless. I should be dead and no one has ever cared about me. When I go out, I feel like people are looking at me like I'm a creep, some deformed waste that should not be living alongside other people.
I'm currently sitting at my laptop with my belt next to me and I'm ready to set it up and choke myself to death!
I'm ready!
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self.SuicideWatch
|
College research In order to graduate I have to take research and pass with a c or higher. Right now I'm sitting on a c and stayed up tonight to finish this 12 page paper that I've actually not had time to start on. After 6 hours of working I realize my survey repeated a survey response 11 times. We're suppose to have 50 surveys and now I only have 40, and have to go back and fix all of my work I did over 6 hours which means deleting the tables that took forever to make.🙃🙃 I'm struggling y'all, and just needed to share until someone is up and I can talk to them.
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self.offmychest
|
Holy Fuck Trying to find a new pdoc is really fucking difficult. Apparently my old one has a new practice but I can’t find him anywhere and I’ve been unmedicated for three months now. Just AGH. I don’t have my ADHD medicine or my other four meds I was on to regulate everything.
UPDATE: I found my old PDOC. Calling in the morning to see if they take my insurance and if they can get me in soon.
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self.bipolar
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Parents Kicked Me Out During Finals Week for Dating an Older Guy So, basically my parents offered to help me out with school this semester because I finally decided I wanted to reach for a goal I thought was too out of reach. I moved out of state, got a job, worked my ass off in classes, and started taking anti-depressants regularly and was doing better. Fast forward a few months to when my parents (mom and step-dad, actually) gripe about how many adult children they are supporting who are lazy and use them as a safety net, blatantly in front of me. This seriously fucks with me, and I begin distancing myself a lot while still working/keeping up my grades. I meet a guy who needed someone to look after his apartment and dog while he travelled for work, and we really hit it off, despite there being a significant age difference of ~15 years. Truth is, we both don't have friends in the area or anyone we really talk to, so I think we were both eager to make a connection, and it just worked. He offered to let me use his place while he's gone (2 weeks per month), which I thought was too good to be true, since it would be both an emotional and physical escape from my family. And, we had talked about the potential of having a long-term relationship if we both stayed in the area for another few years. Parents are obviously disturbed by this, but they've always disapproved of anyone I've ever dated, so I was completely shocked when I received a text message saying I need to be completely moved out by the end of this week. I feel like I have nowhere to go. I'm too embarrassed to ask anyone for help, and the person I'm dating told me that I should break things off with him if it became an issue with my family, so I'm embarrassed to tell him, too. If I have to spend this week moving out and can't study for my finals, it's back to being too broke to eat 3 meals a day and working minimum wage in food service. I can't go back to that. This was my one shot, and I feel so betrayed and hurt that it's ending like this. I told my mom I was going to end it, and she gave me the "selfish" schpiel and sent the cops to come talk to me. At this point I've been locked in my room for two days with no food or water, and I'm kind of hoping it only takes a couple more days for me to get severely dehydrated and start shutting down. I just want to die and not be remembered by anyone or cause any pain. All I've ever wanted to do is help people, which is why I uprooted my entire life to live with a family I didn't trust in order to enter the medical field. Maybe it'll be enough if this post helps someone feel less alone. Good luck to you all.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I am unable to help my situation and I don’t know what I’d do to end my life I just want a way to die that involves household objects
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self.offmychest
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Can I be bipolar if I only experience mania when taking SSRIs? If so... what do I do? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Girlfriend cheated on me My girlfriend cheated on me , and I can't stop hating myself. I don't know what to do, I can't even think straight.
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self.depression
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20 yo. Ugly and undesirable want to kill myself. I wish I had a gun. I'd just shoot myself and be done with it. I'm ugly, short, and really really stupid. No girl likes me. I'm turning 21 next month. Haven't had a single date in my life or so much as an interest from a girl. I feel like I should never have been born.
*yep. Down voted. Should've expected it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m desperate here people My entire life feels meaningless. I have no friends left who care about me. My family is indifferent to my life. My job is awful and I’m treated like a stupid child. And I had to deal with the reality of talking to my ex-roommates to collect my stuff after moving out abruptly.
Things I do to make me feel happy only end up making me feel more like shit. Things I do to feel loved make me only look more neurotic and pathetic. I’m nothing. I’ve become nothing. I’m just a faceless empty husky whose place in the world could easily be replaced.
I don’t want to take up space anymore. I don’t want to be nothing anymore. Trying to be something keeps failing so the only thing left to try is to stop being.
~~I’m going to have a last meal and walk out into traffic and pray the person who runs me over doesn’t feel guilty~~.
EDIT: I didn’t do it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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PLEASE FUCKING KILL ME ALREADY IM FUCKING DONE I WISH I WAS FUCKING DEAD [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm slowly dying. Someone please respond to me. I can't do this anymore. I'm sick of this pain. The lonely nights and the heartbreak. I was alone and not heartbroken, now I'm alone and heartbroken as if one thing was not enough. Why does my life have to be miserable?? I was minding my own business and trying to do my own thing but he had to hurt me. He had to stomp on my heart and use me. This is so unfair... I just want to go back to the way I was before I knew him. Alone and slightly sad and depressed. Now I'm alone and I have severe depression and I literally feel like there is a hole in my heart.
I feel betrayed, lied to, used, humiliated. It is my fault though. I set myself up to getting hurt. I made it so easy for him to hurt me. I got so invested so soon. He came on too strong and disappeared over night. Why do I have to deal with the worst type of human relationships?? Why can't I just be normal and not have to deal with any of this? the heartbreak and the betrayal. It is literally like I never got the relationship and what a good relationship brings, however, I got the heartbreak. At least people who get into relationships and then break up, at least they can say well I enjoyed my time with that person. In my situation, I never got a relationship yet I got heartbroken. What's wrong with me?? I really want to just want to die and end all this pain. I just need to die. I can't do this anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Alone in room full of people I go daily to work, i have a big family and they dont ignore me, i am in touch with my colg and school friends, but i still feel alone when i am with them
I want to scream aloud my feelings.
I just want someone to hold me when i am weak.
But all i do is bite my lips and cry my sorrows away....
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self.depression
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I'm seriously so scared i might be pregnant. What should i do? I have been having sex with two guys a lot lately. I have been nauseas and sick for the last couple weeks. My period is very irregular so I don't track it. I did take a pregnancy test that came up negative but I know if u take a test too early it can come up as a false negative.
How soon could I possibly tell? I'm seriously so scared and stressed I'm about to cry.
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self.Anxiety
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Anyone else having anxiety related anger? Hi all,
I’ve been struggling with relationship anxiety for a while now. And when I’m down I can suddenly feel very angry towards my girlfriend (that she’s not showing affection enough, not asking enough etc). I keep it all in, because I know it’s anxiety related and my girlfriend doesn’t deserve this, but it makes the anxiety worse I think. I’m completely not aggressive by the way, the anger is all stuck in my head.
Can anyone relate? And how can I stop feeling so mad all the time?
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self.Anxiety
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How does being physically ill affect your mental health? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I want to kill myself. I want to die. [removed]
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self.depression
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