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Crying for no reason So yesterday, I was happy because I got to see a friend. Also for a bit of background I think I'm winning against depression because I feel quite happy those days.
But here's the thing : I thought "let's watch that cartoon that I like" so I watched an episode that I thought would be right to watch at the moment (if you're curious, it was *full disclosure* in Steven Universe) and I was not feeling particularly sad, just thinking a little about the friend that I saw.
And then, I began sobbing uncontrollably when Steven said "I still want to be friends".
Now that kind of things often happens in my 'ups' but I don't like it ! I just want to enjoy myself a little and find myself crying over the littlest things...
Anyone does that ? Or doesn't anymore ? I want to understand... Now it may have a link with my friend but still.
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self.depression
|
Just started on Prozak/Fluoxatine any Advice? So I’ve been diagnosed with major depressive disorder for years now but I’ve finally decided I need to try something different to hopefully start to get my life back together.
My prescribing nurse suggested I start with Prozak for treatment and see how it worked I just wanted to see if anyone had any advice or experiences with prozak they’d be willing to share.
If nothing else I’d love to just get any advice about getting medical treatment for Depression.
Thank you all so much have a great day.
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self.depression
|
I like talking to people, but I think I'm too self conscious :) It's so much easier through text to talk to people, which is why I have no problem doing this. One thing that keeps me from talking is my face gets really red when I talk to people I don't know that well, even if I'm not embarrassed, which leads to people pointing it out and making it worse, or I just feel my face burning and in turn just want to shut up. I also feel my friends are way better at talking, funnier, have more interesting things to say, etc. so it's just like shoot, why bother? English classes are the worst, since you have to do presentations. I feel physically ill leading up to them, and sweat like crazy when I'm in the middle of them, and after my hearts pounding for five minutes. It really sucks, and it makes me hate some of my classes even though I love writing
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm feeling lonely at university and don't know what to do? So I'm a second year student at Uni and I am feeling lonely lately. Last year, on dorm, I was going through some stuff, so I didn't really branch out and make some new friends, and I regret that now as it seems like I blew it to make new friends. People probably already have their own group, so yeah. I am really introverted, shy and suck at small talk. I recently joined a club, but last meeting was 3 weeks ago(my first time), so it was a small start but nothing too huge. I'm feeling bored and isolated lately and I see some other students alone usually and I do not wish to end up like that, so what advice would anyone give?
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self.offmychest
|
hypomaniaaa okay so I deleted my last post. Feeling very wired. Saw my psychiatrist today. Agreed I was starting to bounce off the walls :-) hahahaha
haven't felt this well in aaaaages! amazing! bloody fantastic! Now to take my bull tranquilliser (lol). Haven't slept properly so let's see how I go eeee
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self.bipolar
|
Too much social anxiety to call the suicide hotline I hate having social anxiety, fuck. It makes being a normal human fucking impossible. I hate phone calls so much. No friends are online to chat.
I'm suicidal for the dumbest fucking reason too. It's because I played basketball and I'm really fucking bad at it like all sports and people were making fun of me. It just triggered a downward spiral and now I'm super depressed, thinking of how much I hate life, thinking of how I've been on medication and in therapy for 6 years but feel the same if not worse than I felt before. I'm a hopeless case.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
End of most trial and error with medication. Hey guys, I’ve mentioned this a few times in comments but I think it deserves its own post at this point. If you have been (or will be) on medication and you want to find a medication that works for you look into this test https://genesight.com/endtrialanderror/
It’s absolutely the best medical decision I’ve ever made, and it took 2 minutes and $75. There weren’t even needles. It will tell you, based on dna analysis, which medications will work best based on how you will metabolize them. So far every single thing it has said has been correct for me, right down to amounts.
Don’t get me wrong, there has been some fiddling, but no more lethargic spells where I can’t even wake up enough to eat, no more wildly swinging anxious periods. Idk if it’s available outside of the states though.
So yeah, good luck everyone! I hope this saves you some pain and frustration!
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self.bipolar
|
Why is he so fucking obsessed with me?? I'll try and make this short. My uncle is a complete narcissistic asshole. He has ruined almost every single holiday with his douchebaggery for most of my life. I'm 40. He's 64-ish? I really don't know. I have hated this man since I was little. My family "lovingly" refers to him as "my favorite uncle" knowing how much I despise the man. He has done many many things wrong to the family. He has every symptom of being a narcissist. I'll spare you the details. This post would never end if I listed all his wrong doings. However. We were always told we needed to keep the peace. And it always ended up with me or my family trying to ignore his lying, outbursts and temper tantrums. Well after my grandfather died, things just got even worse . Of course my grandmother declined rapidly. She made him her power of attorney against almost everyone objecting. She ended up in a nursing home. My uncle.. then started to deplete her bank account. Mind you, all her assets had to be sold and money given to the nursing home. So, that money in the bank should have been used to pay for her expenses only. Well this mother fucker took out money basically every 2-3 days from the ATM. $300 here $1000 there... depleted it all. We're talking $50 grand in a matter of a year. Used her money to pay his bills... utilities... Xmas gifts for his dumb fuck kids... solar panels on his house...we knew this because my mom was also on the account. We saw the withdraws, I tried reporting him for elder financial abuse multiple times. My mother tried as well. And even though the proof was RIGHT THERE in the history of transactions... this fucker denied taking her money. Hand to god denied the fact he made checks out to himself for cash....lies lies lies. Lots of crying... and big big crocodile tears of denial. Now.. I told you this before.. but I hate this man. HATE him. Since my grandparents both passed... I figure I don't have to make peace with anyone. I don't have to look the other way. I don't want him in my life and he can go fuck himself. Since going no contact with him.., he has completely lost his damn mind. He obsesses over me. And my opinion of him. He blames me for "the family" not getting along. Mind you.. my family also hates him and knows how he stole my grandmothers money. They don't want contact with him either. However... my uncle seems to constantly bother and fight with my mom ... and I'm usually the topic of conversation! Even today... he sent my mother a text. " it's really too bad we can't come together as a family for the holiday. If only caramia5766 would get her head out Of her ass and make peace".... it's now a sickening joke with my mom and sister. He is always obsessing over ME.. and the fact that I want nothing to do with him. It's like a sick twisted obsession. I do not think of this man..,,nor do I want anything to go with him or his kids. That "relationship" died right with my grandmother. This mother fucker is a total loser. He has 2 grown kids in Canada he never sees or talks to. His other older daughter disowned him. Haven't talked to him in about 10 years. If not longer. He's so worried about ME.. and yet, he makes no effort to make amends with his own God damn kids!!! Sometimes, I just wish he would drop dead. I know that's s horrible thought. But every single member of our family hates him. They all know he's a dick... and ruins everything. Lies, cheats, steals... I just really wish he would obsess over someone else. Blame them for everything in the world that's wrong. And stop blaming me. I wish he gets held accountable for his wrong doings. Nursing home was suing him because he hadn't paid them.. that money he was too busy spending on himself and his kids while his poor mother rotted away in a nursing home. I really wish karma will dish out what he deserves soon. Death would be too easy a way out for this guy. I kinda wish he would get anally gang raped in jail. Ok. Thanks for letting me vent. I hope each and every one of you has a wonderful thanksgiving. And if anything goes wrong today... know that me, caramia5766, (according to asshole uncle) is most likely to blame. Haha. Thanks for reading.. and taking the time to let me into your mind and thoughts for a second. I needed to vent ❤️
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self.offmychest
|
All I want for Christmas is Death I got the best Christmas gift in the world: My best friend, my rock, my 6 year old boxer dog Layla just died. I was already feeling down now that killed it. Now I want to join her in death.
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self.depression
|
I’ve recently gone from some horrible meds to some meds that have worked, yet there are moments when I’ve been happy then immediately become desperately depressed, and it feels as if all the happy moments have been faked. I don’t know if I can keep this up [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I’m off of all medication (except anti depressants) for 2 weeks and I’m really struggling [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
Wondering If Any of You Have experienced this? I was wondering if anyone else had experienced these symptoms, sometimes, out of nowhere nothing will feel real. I won't feel real, and I can't talk. It's like I am living in a dream that I can't control. I definitely doesn't feel like my anxiety attacks where I am hyperventilating, sobbing, and dry heaving. I tried to talk to the counselor I am seeing about it and she said it was anxiety, I don't know how to explain how it is different from most of my anxiety. (trigger warning self harm/suicide) When I am in this dreamlike state I feel really suicidal and have a really strong urge to cut myself violently.Does anyone else feel like this, and if so how do you combat it?
|
self.Anxiety
|
My life is okay but I still want to die. I don't want to wake up at 5 on monday again. Can't I just breath some helium and sleep forever?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Having trouble sleeping As the title suggests...I am having trouble sleeping or in general getting sleep on time. This has messed up my sleep cycle. It seems like an endless cycle to me. Anyone who has faced similar problems, pls suggest me something :)
|
self.Anxiety
|
No friends, lonely christmas, will be alone for new years aswell.. I keep trying to make friends but i just cant say hi.. it just goes downhill Everytime. How in the fuck do you make any friends sfter 4th grade? Had alot of friends in 4th grade and was happy. Then my parents wanted to move. Haven't had any friends since and constantly got picked on in school all the way to 9th grade. Now in high school and it's just being lonely. Please tell me how tou make friends im desperate
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self.depression
|
Microchunking my tasks (both work and hobbies) really helped me. "Microchunking" basically means devoting ten minutes each to a few categories of things you need to do. I found that ten minutes was long enough to make an impact (i.e. Dishes, practicing music) but short enough to tough out even on the worst days.
As an all-or-nothing type guy, I used to end up with tons of housework, a stack of unlearned tunes/arrangements, and a general feeling of being overwhelmed while also fighting depression at every step. Then, my good days became clogged with all the bullshit I didn't manage to do while depressed.
So instead, I spend ten minutes cleaning the kitchen, ten minutes practicing, ten minutes queuing up better jobs to apply for, ten minutes on pet care and ten minutes working on an art or diy project. After that I can collapse and do whatever I want (or lay in a heap feeling miserable because absolutely nothing gives me any more than a brief tepid interest).
Ten minutes may not sound like much, but it's ten minutes more than you would have done otherwise, and your work gets progressively less, not more. Plus, ten minutes might be long enough to pique your interest and find the strength to continue.
|
self.depression
|
I got a pretty bad roll in life. I didn't think it was possible for someone like me to be as unsuccessful socially as I am. I just wish I could restart. Or be someone else. I'm tired of the difficulty being stuck on the highest level.
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self.depression
|
Progress with depression I was on 200mg sertraline to treat depression, and 10mg of aripiprazole to treat my ocd and mild psychosis. I've been on antidepressants for 3 years now (9 months building up to 200mg, 1.5 years on 200mg, 4 months on 150 mg and 2 months on 100mg).
Im feeling great, so my psychiatrist wants me to reduce the sertraline even further to 50mg.
I had a job for 2 years (slowly moving up the ranks in finance), but recently quit a job earning the most money and holding the highest position, mainly because there was a lot of favouritism, backbiting and I generally didn't get along with the people.
I'm planning on going back to college and then university.
I'm 20 years old btw
Ladies and gentlemen, antidepressants are a miracle drug. Let me know your experiences with them.
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self.depression
|
Seroquel reduction Ive recently begun to reduce my Seroquel dosage slowly under a psychiatrist, but have been experiencing tingling fingers, some big mood shifts and sleeplessness to name a few, Ive found it highly frustrating, Id like to possibly get some advice on how to manage it and how to help myself :)
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self.bipolar
|
Think I'll kill myself at thanksgiving dinner I've decided that I have nothing to live for. Something came up that's about to make my life a lot worse than it already is. I hated my life and attempted suicide before this happened. I hated my life and was always miserable, just wanting to die. Now I'm going to be homeless in a couple of weeks on top of that. I have no intention of hanging around to be that miserable. So when my parents have their thanksgiving, I think I'll blow my brains out all over their dinner. At least I can give them a fuck you while I die.
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self.depression
|
2017 was the worst year of my life...and the best (long ass post) I'm warning you, this is gonna be a looooong ass post. This will probably get lost in this sub but there are a few things I really need to get off my chest. Also, I'm not a native speaker so baer with me :D
2017 was by far the worst year of my life but also kinda the best, because I was finally strong enough to make some changes. A little backstory: I've always been pretty insecure and shy, never had a lot of friends and was pretty quite. Then, I got into a relationship with my now ex boyfriend. He has issues. Anxiety, depression and unfortunately a couple more mental health issues. I've never had to deal with something like this in my life but I loved him and was willing to help him as much as I could. Things were fine in the beginning, even though it was super hard for me. I had to make a lot of sacrifices. He was not comfortable traveling, so I tried to accept it as good as I could, even though I always wanted to travel and see the world. He didn't want to spend time with my family. He dodged every family event, every birthday and didn't even want to have lunch/dinner together with my parents. He said he felt uncomfortable around them, so I did not force it on him. But it didn't stop there. I was not allowed to get tattoos or piercings, even though he knew that this was something I've always wanted. After a few years his mental health got worse. He also has anger management issues and started to get more aggressive. We started fighting..a lot. I started to become unhappy and this is when everything went downwards. Since he didn't want to leave the house, we ate a lot of junk food. We just had it delivered or picked it up, went into my room (I was still living with my parents) and ate by ourselves. Needless to say, I've gained a lot of weight during our 8 year relationship.
I started to distance myself from all of my friends, right to the point where I didn't have any. I distanced myself from my family and pretty much everyone around me. I was alone, but I still had him and that was the most important thing at that moment. We had more and more fights and I started to see a different side of him. He was super manipulative and made me feel guilty, even though it wasn't my fault. He twisted my words to make me look like the bad person and he started insulting me. Calling me a the biggest bitch on earth, a manipulative psychopath and a worthless piece of shit. I didn't know what to do anymore. I became more and more unhappy and - after a few years - depressed. This led to me eating even more, because I was so frustrated so I gained even more weight, which made me even more unhappy. I still stayed with him. Thinking that he would change once we move out (as I said, I stayed with my parents and he pretty much lived there with me). As I was still in school and he had no job, I could only wait for me to finish school, him to find a decent job he could keep, so we can move in together. At that time, I also blamed my parents for being unhappy. No real privacy was possible in our house because my parents always wanted to know everything. They were pretty much always up in my business. Anyway, he kept telling me, that things would get better once we have our own place. I believed him, or let's say, I wanted to believe him so bad. But things got worse. We fought pretty much every day and he started to not only insult me but also pointing out my insecurities and telling me, that no other guy will ever want to be with me, a fat and ugly psychopath. He knew exactly what to say to break me. He did this for several years, while I endured everything my mental health got so bad, that I started to harm myself. I felt absolute worthless. There was nobody I could talk to and I was too broken to do anything. I was stuck in this shitty relationship and couldn't see a way out. I did think about suicide but was always to scared of doing it.
I dropped out of college and was looking for a job for 1 year. I was on the verge of giving up. I didn't see any point in continuing this "life". I never thought I would let someone ruin my life, who was supposed to love and support me. Then, I finally got a job and made some friends at work. I actually really enjoyed going to work and seeing them, hanging out with them and being normal. The more time I spent with my co-workers, the more I thought about my relationship and that I needed to do something. Over the course of 2 years, I tried to break up with my boyfriend pretty much every month. He kept promising to change and constantly told me that I'm the only thing that keeps him alive and if I would really leave him, he would kill himself. He wants me to know that it would be my fault and he would make sure that I would never forget this. I felt like I had no other choice but to stay with him, even if it would destroy me. Fast forward to 2017, one of my co-workers (who has mental health issues himself), became my best friend and helped me through a really fucked up time. He was always there for me, whenever my boyfriend decided to throw a tantrum and blame me. I got to a point, where I almost packed my shit and left for good. I just wanted to leave and be alone. The depression and panic attacks were destroying me slowly.
After a while, I started to develop feelings for my co-worker and he told me, that he has feelings for me as well. No, I didn't cheat on my then-boyfriend but it hit me "there are still guys out there, that would want to get to know me, who think I'm pretty and want to treat me with respect". I finally decided to end my relationship. It took me 4 months. 4 long months full of panic attacks, threats, tears and suicide thoughts to make it but I did it. I'm not gonna lie, it was an on-again, off-again thing with my ex for these couple of months and again, he tried again to manipulate me into taking him back and giving him another chance. I felt SO incredibly guilty for leaving him. I blamed myself for everything that went wrong in my life. We still texted sometimes, because I tried to remain friends but I knew it didn't work. I tried it because of him, hoping it would help him with the break up. Silly idea, I know. After telling him one last time, that I cannot be in a relationship with him anymore he sent me a long message, telling me that I've ruined his life, that I deserved all the bad things that happened to me and that he will find someone better and prettier than me and will make sure that I will never forget what I've done to him. He kept insulting me, like always, but this was the finale straw. I blocked him everywhere. He tried to contact me again a couple of times, sending me e-mails and shit, but I ignored them and sent them straight to spam. I cut him out of my life completely.
Up until September, I really didn't see a point and I hit rock bottom. There were times I couldn't leave my bed because this freaking depression paralyzed me. I was scared that I was going to lose my job. I mean, my life was already a mess so why not add unemployment to it. I was done, with everything and everyone. But luckily, I had some amazing friends and my family and they've helped me so much. After finally opening up to my sister about what had happened with my mental health in the past 8 years, she was shocked and told me, that she wished she knew it sooner, so she could help me get out of the relationship. After so many years of feeling worthless and thinking that nobody cared about me, I didn't know how to react to this much love and support. It was a long and incredibly difficult way but I started to hang out with my friends more often, talk to my family and in general, tried to spent more time with them, after ignoring them for 8 years. I kept thinking about the past years and how much I've missed out because of my relationship and my depression. So I finally decided to put myself first. I started to work out, eat healthier and lose weight. I got my first piercing and even though it might not be anything special, it was something special for me. It was the first decision I made on my fucking own and for myself, and only myself. After that I got my first tattoo and 3 weeks ago, I moved into my own place. All of this would have not been possible, if I didn't have the amazing support from my friends and family.
I'm not gonna lie, I'm still not okay but I'm a lot better. I still have super shitty days and panic attacks but nowhere near as often as I used to have them. I want to be happy again. I want to enjoy life and in order to do that, I will start therapy soon. Thinking about the last year makes me so angry, sad but also happy. After so many years of psychological torture, I was finally strong enough to put a stop to it and open up to my family and get help. I have so many things to do and so many places I want to see. For the first time in years I'm actually looking forward to the future.
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self.depression
|
I feel like I’m at a dead end and the only way out is to take my own life. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I’m forgetting simple things lately and it scares the living shit out of me. Have you ever opened the fridge and forgotten what you were looking for, or struggled to remember that one specific, perfect word to write in a comment that you’ve put a ridiculous amount of time into wording correctly, or taken dishes out of the dishwasher and been disappointed that most of them were still dirty only to realize you didn’t actually start the dishwasher last night like you mistakenly thought you did?
Any one of these things wouldn’t be too concerning on its own, but when I have multiple occurrences of these types of incidents over the course of a week, it terrifies the living shit out of me. A really awful degenerative disease runs in my family, and maybe I’m just being a hypochondriac in the months after finding out and overanalyzing everything I do now, but it’s starting to stress me out to the point where I might need to seek therapy to work through the intrusive thoughts. I’m not even 20 yet though, and the disease, if I’m unfortunate enough to have it in my DNA, typically only affects elderly people. I’d like to think I have at least 50 years of a quality life ahead of me because of that.
It just feels so out of the norm for me to be this way, though. I’ve always had an above-average memory and have been great at tasks that relate to it. In the Intro to Psychology class that I took last year, we were once given a word association/memorization exercise and I was able to recall nearly all of the words. I can also remember so many little details, from the order of track listings on my favorite albums to the birthdates of people I haven’t spoken to in years and wasn’t even particularly close with. While I’m not super-passionate about writing, I’ve always excelled at incorporating complex vocabulary and relevant proverbs/sayings into anything I write. I consider myself a pretty creative person in other ways but have run into a major case of artist’s block lately....I swear I’m not trying to toot my own horn or anything in saying all of this, but my recent struggles have made me really afraid of losing my skills :(
I’m searching so hard to find other causes to blame. Maybe I’m not sleeping enough or eating well? That doesn’t seem right though, because even though my sleep/dietary habits are far from perfect, they’re honestly probably better right now than they’ve been for the past 2-3 years. Maybe it’s because I’m not reading books as much as I used to? Could be, but I still read a lot of short stories and nonfiction articles online so it’s not like I’ve stopped entirely. Can extended stress cause memory problems?
I’m just scared I’ll be wasting my time or compromising my mental state even farther by going to therapy though because I’ve been to two different psychologists in the past two years and they weren’t exactly “positive experiences” overall. One of them said and implied some awful things that made my mental health even worse, and the other one was the sort of individual I felt the need to lie to because they became frustrated with some of my views on the world despite trying to hide it, and I felt bad and so made my progress seem better than it actually was.
Ughh, I just need to find some way to put my mind at rest as soon as possible :\
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self.offmychest
|
Winter blues I personally don't have depression or anything like that year round. For most of spring all summer and the first part of fall I'm as happy as can be day in fay out but as soon as I stop getting enough sun SAD kicks in. This is the first year I've really tried to figure out how to help it. A little over a week ago I started taking cod liver oil suplements now I feel almost as good as I do in the summer. I know this isn't really a cure or even relevant to most cases of depression but for anyone who notices a significant change around this time of year I would seriously recommend at the very least looking it up and seeing if maybe you are deficient.
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self.depression
|
Do you know what it feels like to want to die every single day.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Is it normal Post cancer patients. is it normal to feel like you shouldnt have survive ur cancer. you should hsve died from it. The thing that happen after cancer is worse than during it. like saving your life from cancer isnt that worthit. theres no good outcome from it.. idk about anyone else but for me it is. maybe because i feel i dont deserve it that people think I should die from it too.. cuz theres many more cancer patient out there that should have survive but didnt and i just being ungrateful of my survival.
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self.depression
|
do you feel the need to purposefully throw yourself under the bus / self sabotage it can be small things- like make myself purposefully look bad in front of others so they really know how awful i am
or big things like self harm
i constantly feel like im a rat race against others.... people are so good at what they do and im here on the side just sad and unhappy and never good enough
im just tired of hurting myself but then there are days where i deserve it and i cant stop
|
self.Anxiety
|
Why do I feel so alone.. I’ve been feeling so alone lately.. trapped in my own room and even worse trapped in my head. I have nobody.. nobody to talk to about my problems. Nobody to listen to me. Nobody to help. Sometimes I don’t think any of it is worth it anymore. I hide all the pain and pretend like everything is okay but it’s not. I don’t know what to do anymore.
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self.depression
|
I missed a dose and I need some help This is all in the same day(today). I was way to busy getting into video games and by the time i looked at the clock it was 3 am and i had school in 3 hours. I woke up debating if I took my medicine and it turns out I didnt. Im taking Lamotringe since I was diagnosed with bipolar 2 about two weeks ago. I just got my dose upgraded from 25mg to 50mg and this is my third day taking 50mg. But im not tired at all and energetic. I feel like I can actually do my school work today and actually be around people.
Whats going on?
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self.depression
|
I honestly could not care less if I died tonight Take me death. I'm ready. I just want to escape this dreadful existence. I'm done dragging on. I'm done with this constantly depressing shitty life. Just take me. Kill me, please. Please, let me die
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Why am I the worst? Ever get the feeling that your a wimp that just can't handle life?Everyone else is happier and successful.
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self.depression
|
Why I'll probably never date again. Feeling kind of stable the past few days has got me thinking about dating. I'm lonley, but, I doubt I'll date. Possibly ever again.
I just don't trust anyone to stick around during the bad times. Sometimes it's scary to see me change from the person I can be into the bi polar me. It's a big ask of someone and I don't think I'll do it again. Not depressed or manic just thinking.
Anyone else think like this?
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self.bipolar
|
What are some of the most sure drugs, prescription or OTC on their own or in combos to end your life? Was wondering. I'm 5'10 200 pounds, could get my hands on a decent amount of phenobarbital if need be but in general what are some drugs or substances that you could Take in excess and just go to sleep, no pain nothing just goodbye. I am not suicidal at this point but I do have a lot of suicidal ideation I don't think I could actually or want to actually kill myself at this point. Would a shut ton of phenobarb do the trick?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Have any of you read No Longer Human by Osamu Dazai? It is a semi-autobiographical novel by Japanese writer Osamu Dazai who definitely has the signs and hallmarks of depression and talks about his life from a young age on how he feels isolated from the world, describing himself as an 'observer' of society and how humans function, and how he could try being one by clowning around. He grew up with lots of sisters and his father was an influential member of the Diet so he was pretty well-off.
I got the book for my birthday and I never felt so connected to a character before. I felt his fear of incurring the wrath of a parent for wanting a gift that is unexpected, I understood his reason/need to fit in with classmates and the dread of entering the adult world feeling so overwhelmed and undertrained.
No Longer Human was Osamu Dazai's last book before he died from suicide. I think Amazon has the free samples for kindle users to download, because I really recommend that you should read it.
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self.depression
|
This weekend was the 11th anniversary of my dad's death he was 42. pancreatitis following a lifetime of alcoholism.
I blame myself for it. I've talked to people about it but I can't not. I've stayeed up all night drinking and trying to not focus on it. he missed me graduating college, twice, never met my girlfriend who became my wife and will never do anything again because of me.
I've thought about ending it before. Not much recently. But thoughts linger. I couldn't go to his grave. i'm a coward.
I'm waiting for it to get easier, but i'm scared it never will be
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self.depression
|
Scared of whats after it. I don't really believe in a God, but then when I see my self going out i imagine my self talking to him as if I failed him and i will go to hell. BTW I am terrified by the possibility to end in a place like hell and literally suffer for eternity. I don't think about religion at all, only when want to suicide.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Has anyone else experienced constant nausea on Wellbutrin? Hi. I am looking for some input please! I started taking Wellbutrin 300 mg xr about three weeks ago. I slowly noticed myself getting nauseous sometimes, like in the car. However, the past two days it has been constant and miserable. Has anyone else experienced this as a side effect? If so, does it get better? Thanks!
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self.bipolar
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Anxious flu? Anyone else find themselves get so worked up you become physically ill?
Lately, I’ve gotten so anxious about different things and running different scenarios, that I end up with flu like symptoms (chills, vomiting, etc). I’m trying meditation and my daily Zoloft, but it just doesn’t seem to be helping.
My therapist keeps reminding me that I’m allowing my anxiety to manifest in physical ways, but so far I haven’t been able to find a way to stop it. I’m tired of being perpetually flu-ish!
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self.Anxiety
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I married a hooker So here’s my story.
I spent a very long time alone. I tried dating with very little success all through my 20s. It didn’t help that I was morbidly obese, in a dead-end job, and broke all the time. Then, about 6 years ago I reconnected with a woman from my past – middle school sweetheart. I knew she had some issues but I was so goddamn lonely I just decided to go with it. We started dating. There were a series of red flags I chose to ignore. Anybody was better than nobody, so I turned a blind eye. It helps that she’s gorgeous and the sex was fantastic.
The relationship got steadily worse while my life got better. Over the past 6 years I’ve obtained a much better job. In 2013 she gave birth to my beautiful daughter, and shortly after that we were married. We bought a house this year, and I’ve lost 110 pounds. But for all that, I’m lonelier than ever.
I knew going in that she was a stripper. I’m fine with that, though I found out about a year ago that she’s “escorting”. She has clients that meet her at cheap motels, and one guy that she meets in a Home Depot parking lot. She’s given me two STIs. Funny thing is, I make $60,000 per year, which goes a long way in this area. For reference, a 4-bedroom house with a quarter-acre yard in a good neighborhood was $130,000. She’s not on drugs – she’s just greedy. She’s sitting on about $40,000 in the savings (that I can’t touch, since she moved it). I’m fine with stripping, but she likes to work “overtime” then tell me it’s my fault because I don’t make enough money. Of course, I pay all of the bills myself. I’m never able to save money because it all goes to household expenses. Her money (quite a bit more than I make) goes into a private account.
She’s physically abusive (black eyes mostly, but once I ended up with 4 stitches over my eye). Reporting it won’t do any good – I’m 6’ 230 and she’s 5’45” and 130. The first time I called the cops the guy actually laughed at me. The third time I called the cops he asked if I wanted to press charges. I asked, “what would you do” and he said, “I never would have called”. For the record, I’ve never hit her back.
Divorce isn’t an option. She controls all of the shared savings and she has wealthy relatives (like 64-bedroom house in the Hamptons). Even if I could afford a lawyer, one of her regular clients is a local freaking judge. Beyond that, she is vindictive enough to keep me away from my daughter if I leave. I have zero legal recourse – and before you all start chiming in with the “Men’s Rights” groups – I have no desire to interact with those misogynist assholes.
So here’s where I stand. I don’t want to live in world where I can’t see my daughter every day, and I can’t stay married to an abusive prostitute. The only reasonable thing to do seems to be to kill myself in a way that looks accidental. That way, my daughter never has to know and the insurance will pay out so my wife will hopefully stop hooking.
I’ve done everything you are supposed to, to improve your life. I work out and I’ve gotten much healthier. I make good money. I’ve got a beautiful, smart, and precocious daughter. But I’m still miserable and I have no other way out. The only thing I care about is my daughter but I can’t stand to see her turned against me by her evil vindictive mother. My wife couldn’t care less if I live or die, so long as she gets the insurance pay out.
I’m thinking single-car accident, or fall from the roof while putting up Christmas lights (though that’s not a sure thing and I don’t want to be paraplegic. Tragic, but for my daughter, life goes on.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Feeling scared & alone Im NOT stable rn. I just self harmed, im covered in blood, i just took 1200 mg of wellbutrin with 3 shots of tequila. Im useless. Idk what to do
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self.SuicideWatch
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Goodluck Today I walked to my usual spot at the library looking for a place to sit. I sat by this girl, I politely asked if it was alright with me sitting here. She gave me a warm smile and said yeah it’s fine. We both went on studying for whatever class we had. While she was about to leave she said, “good luck with your studies.” I know it’s not much, but it definitely made my day. I’ll try to be as kind as her from now on. A kind word can make someone’s day. Thank you for your kindness.
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self.offmychest
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Employment Achievement Unlocked! Yes yes yes yes! Today marks 360 consecutive days of employment. I have the next 5 off, and am starting another 360 after that. This means I have been employed for a year. The first time after a few years (more than 5, less than 100)! I'm so proud of myself I'm going to treat myself to cheesecake. This is a Very Good Thing since I didn't know if I'd keep a job past 6 months.
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self.bipolar
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I think in about 3 years if life doesn't get better, I'm gonna end it. I feel as though every decision I make it constantly the wrong one, no matter how hard I try, I just keep doing bad things or just keep not doing the right thing. If I try hard in a group assignment, I'll always be the one that causes the group to fail. No matter how much I study and understand the material I'll keep failing. In my jobs, I'm always the one slacking even though I'm trying to do the best I can do.
Hell, in general I feel as though I'm so fucking weak and stupid, I think that if life doesn't change. I'm just going to kill myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Discuss: Our own neurotribe? Perhaps I am late to the game here, but it has dawned on me the last few days that the experience of bipolars in the world might be fundamentally, categorically *different* than that of neurotypicals. Seems obvious, but stick with me for a minute.
**TLDR; Is bipolar more a neurodevelopmental outcome like autism vs. strictly a neurological disease like Alzheimers?** If it is more like autism, what are other traits of the disease aside mood symptoms and can they be used to identify similar patients that can guide things like medication targeting? Discussion on how you experience the world differently than neurotypicals (sensory differences, cognition differences, spatial vs. verbal cognition emphasis, etc.) outside your mood symptoms might be an interesting way to flesh out what else makes us tick.
The idea of non-neurotypicality is a concept that is gaining common acceptance in the autism community (I study autism genetics) as opposed to labeling autism as strictly a mental deformity. Don't get me wrong, if I could cure my bipolar and be "normal" I would do it in a heartbeat, but I have spent so much of my life trying to play the part of neurotypical to others that I internalized myself as a defective neurotypical. Instead of conceptualizing ourselves as shamefully "defective" or "broken" perhaps a more productive view would be to accept that our biology has shaped us in a different form. I often view myself as defective, failing at basic tasks that for the vast majority of people seem simple enough. Yet, do I hold contempt for children with autism that can't recognize emotions or exhibit wildly inappropriate behavior? No, because their experience of the world is distinctly different than mine. In this sense perhaps it is instructive to consider how difficult it is to describe depression or mania to someone neurotypical. I've tried it many times and each time I just get a glazed over look; it is simply outside their experience of the world.
For contrast, consider the perspective of an alien scientist that has come to study the human species. Scientists that study animal behavior have cataloged an enormous diversity of distinct and fixed behavioral patterns even within individual species. If I were observing the human species in such a context, the major psychiatric disorders like autism, bipolar, schizophrenia, chronic depression, etc. would appear to be simply distinctly different presentations of a divergent underlying neurology, especially given that they are incredibly genetic, lifelong, are stable and significant portions of the population, and present an enormous number of shared behaviors within a given category (to the point that almost everyone on this reddit can relate to most any other poster's experience at least at some point in their lives).
I want to re-emphasize that I am not trying to fetishize psychiatric disorders or claim they make one *special*. They universally suck hard and neurotypicality seems like a paradise by comparison. Yet, there is a difference between what definitively should be considered a neurological disease (like Alzheimers) versus a different neurodevelopmental path (like autism).
Which brings it to something of an etiological question: what would a bipolar "cure" look like? In the obvious sense, it would be a return to a "stable" or "normal" state, where we can function in society without feeling the stabbing pain of unwarranted depression or destructive mania and build lives that resemble our neurotypical peers. And, given that most of us can successfully "pass" as neurotypical even when undergoing a deep depressive episode, perhaps it is the case that the "cured" state of bipolar is indistinguishable from that of neurotypical. Reading self reports from those that have found a set of medications and therapy that "works well" support this hypothesis. Moreover, we know that bipolar is so difficult to diagnose because it does not present obvious symptoms when bipolars are "stable". Under this framework of bipolar as strictly a disease to be cured, it could be argued that the distinct experiences bipolars encounter are simply fallout from the underlying symptoms of depression and mania. In that case, if we were to abolish these symptoms with medical treatment before the first episodes even hit, then that patient would grow up looking entirely neurotypical just as if they had a vitamin deficiency that had to be treated with a special diet. In this case, it would be an extremely strong argument to consider bipolar as strictly a disease to be cured as its unique behavior and perspective is simply a result of patients suffering dangerous and terrifying experiences from depressive and manic symptoms.
What is not clear to me, and what I can't find much research on, is what does the experience of bipolar look like when "euthymic" or "well". Typically this state is described as the absence of the defined symptoms of mania and depression. What I would like to know is whether the experience of bipolar is distinct from neurotypical outside of clear episodes in a fashion like autism. For example, even in cases of high functioning autism where autistics can "pass" as neurotypical there are widely reported differences in non-social traits as compared to neurotypicals. Even though autism is *defined* by deficits in learning social cognition, very distinct features of altered sensory processing (noise hypersensitivity, emphasis on spatial over verbal reasoning) are very common across autism cases. So, a natural question is whether the social "deficits" seen in autism are a result of defects in the areas of the brain responsible for social cognition, *OR* rather the social cognition deficits are a result of autistics experiencing the sensory world in a fundamentally different way that inhibits them from easily learning and processing typical social cues. In all likelihood it is something of both depending on the case, but it is instructive that autistics typically have a much easier time socializing with fellow autistics than neurotypicals.
Which brings me back to bipolar. It is well known that sensory perceptions, cognitive abilities, and circadian rhythm (sleep/wake cycle) are throughly altered within episodes of depression and mania, while in contrast there is not much literature I know of that documents differences in sensory perception when "well". Even when I personally looked at data taken over months on dozens of "well" (at least between episode) bipolar patients I couldn't find any systemic difference between the bipolar patients and healthy controls at least in terms of sleep/wake cycle. And maybe that is the end of the story, that bipolars are essentially neurotypicals with well defined and distinct mood episodes.
But, I suspect that is not the end of the story. There is other evidence such as the differences from neurotypicality exhibited by first degree relatives of bipolars who don't present any mood episodes. Furthermore, as has been documented on this reddit, the line between "well" and mildly hypomanic is difficult to define and often gets lost in "what is personality" and "what is disorder".
If bipolar is in fact more like autism than Alzheimers, then that brings a whole new set of questions, questions that could actually guide research for treatments. If bipolar is a distinct neurodevelopmental trajectory, then what other systems are changed? Instead of just looking at the mood symptoms, perhaps looking at sensory alterations or cognitive processing differences (spatial vs. verbal) would identify which patients are more similar to each other and more likely to respond to similar treatment. Everyone on this reddit has gone through the wringer at one point trying to figure out which meds work for them, and have had to go through it again (as I am having to do right now) when the meds stop working suddenly. Wouldn't improved medication targeting be awesome?
Point I'm making is that perhaps it is time to consider bipolar as a neurodevelopmental trajectory like autism and to start looking at other distinguishing characteristics besides the mood symptoms alone. Our suffering from our mood states unifies our collective experience, but it would be really cool to hear about other ways your brain has developed alternatively, especially those that stick around when you're doing "well".
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self.bipolar
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I miss her. Does she miss me the way I miss her? Does she also fear the space that’s growing between us?
She means the world too me and I want to see her happy.
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self.offmychest
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Is this depression, or am I just a lazy loser? I have been depressed for several years. Currently taking Lexapro, though it seems to not help. I have no will to succeed in life. I've never had a job for more than a year. I failed all 12 credit hours in community college last semester and I don't want to go back. I hate my parents and I'm not close to anyone in my family. At this point, I just want to spend the rest of my life in my room, unemployed. I'll receive an inheritance if I'm lucky. My mom gets up early everyday to go to her job where she's been for 20 years. I know I have some major depression issues, but there are lazy bums in this world, who are unemployed and live at home until they're 40, or forever, and I think maybe I'm just one of those bums, regardless of depression.
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self.depression
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It is funny that the term "biowaste" is not used in English to indicate one's worth In Russian it is often used to convey a that someone's potential or worth (to society or more broadly) is limited to being used as a fuel for a bio reactor. There are plenty of other interesting abusive words in both English and Russian, but I can hardly think of any having this degree of despair if used in relation to oneself.
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self.depression
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I don't know how to deal with everything in my life [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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It's too bad I don't own a gun I've had to stick with overdose attempts on my meds but I threw all of the old ones out so it's not enough anymore. Maybe I could jump in front of a train, except not pussy out this time. Being alive is toxic to the people around me and I'll just hurt them more than if I died without them knowing.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How many of you were put on SSRIs and other psychiatric medication at a young age? I hopped on the meds merry-go-round as a teen, and now I'm pretty much dependent on meds for life. The drugs have fucked with my dopamine (pleasure) and sleep system, and now I must stay on the meds just to keep from going off the deep end. I also feel like being on meds for so long is actually contributing to my depression, but I don't see any other solution at this point......I'm utterly fucked.....
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self.depression
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Disgust and Nostalgia I was touched sexually by an older boy for several years. At one point he either tried to or did have sex with me when I was approximately 9-10.
I frequently find myself mixed with feelings of disgust for the event and with myself for thinking so much about this event. Interestingly I feel a profound disgust for myself for having a vague nostalgia about the event. Since we were both children it is not easy to Harbor a lot of anger at him for it yet I wouldn't do something like that with another male today so I can't help but feel like it reveals something about myself, like I'm a homophobic person or something. There are a lot of very confusing and conflicting feelings about this and it doesn't help that I was very young for these sort of sexual experiences, I didn't even talk about them until years later.
Essentially I am disgusted with myself for thinking about it and also for maybe not feeling particularly bad about it.
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self.offmychest
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Keep me company? While I ride out this caffeine-induced wave of fear and anxiety... Tell me nice things about your day and share moments of calm and gratitude. Lots of love to you all.
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self.Anxiety
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Anyone not know who they are or even were? I'm 16 and have been struggling with rly bad depression for the last three years. I don't know what my personality was before all this or if I even had one, and now I don't even know who I am.
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self.depression
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Stop Spoiling Star Wars I get it—it’s “just a movie” and knowing plot twists shouldn’t detract from a good film. But people who try to be edgy online and spoil it for strangers are the saddest people on the planet. You’re spoiling something that a lot of people have been excited about for years, and you’re robbing them of that joy. Congrats—you get to be an anonymous dickhole on the internet.
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self.offmychest
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I don't want this. Woo reddit seems like a good way to post this, unless I need to verify my account because I am using an old account with a password I cannot remember. Don't want to use my new email account which shows my full name.
This is a 50/50 would this be posted or would it not so I won't open myself too much nor would I put down too much information due to the fear of another disappointment.
I don't want this really, life is boring and there is nothing in life that seems worth the effort. People would be lucky to live the life I am living but even that don't make me happy so I am pretty ungrateful, whats worse thinking about the things I do have doesn't make me feel better.
Just really sick of feeling like this, I want to escape everything and run away but then I remember that I really don't wanna do that either. Every moment is dreading for what is to come, I need to constantly keep my mind occupied so that my negative thoughts and feelings don't chip away at me, I don't sleep because the negative thinking comes back and waking up in the morning is the worse "Oh god no, I don't want to face the day... But I really don't want to be in this bed anymore."
I'm just constantly running away from these thoughts and feelings, trying in vain to find happiness and peace of mind, the years have shown that it doesn't work but I have to keep running.
I desperately want relieve, medication don't help it makes it worse and why take something that makes the depression worse. AND I REALLY HATE THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE TO BE ALIVE TO FEEL RELIEVE, I WILL NEVER HAVE RELIEVE... I got nothing left but to run away and hope for the relieve to come.
I wish I was never born, I don't want this.
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self.depression
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On the edge again I just want to leave everything behind. I made a post in the past and I don't have time to update. I just can't stand being your friend after all that we made and accomplished together. I just want to leave.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Depression/Suicidal Thoughts always seem to flood hardest after I take positive steps to help myself. [deleted]
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self.depression
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The pain won't stop. Whenever I wake up I always feel this feeling in my chest. It feels so awful it's almost painful. Whenever I take my eyes off of my phone or my computer I start thinking horrible things about myself and that feeling just hurts so bad. I attempted suicide by hanging but failed. I want to talk to people about it but I'm always too anxious of what they are going to say or do. And I know how it feels when you tell someone that you want to die because my friend wants to kill him self and I don't know what to say or do and I feel scared of what he is going to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I need someone to talk to Hello. I am a 12 year old in 7th grade and am hitting the wave of reality that i have absolutely no friends. In elementary, i had a couple friends desert me to join cooler "groups". I honestly can't stand this feeling of being alone and constantly being laughed at. The other day i started smacking myself in the head with a hard cover book for not being able to socialize. Please - i just need someone to talk to
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm a failure but I wish I had someone to talk to I fucking hate myself all my mistakes
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't know how I let things get this bad I'm sorry if this post is all over the place, it feels like it's been a while since I've been able to coherently put two thoughts together. I've found that it makes sense to me, but the other two people I've tried talking to either couldn't understand me, or couldn't understand the situation.
I can't keep living like this though. I feel like I'm drowning at the bottom of a lake, and everyone around me is telling me to just take a deep breath, not seeing how much it's killing me. I'm not planning on killing myself though, so I'm sorry if this is the wrong thread, but besides the two people I've already tried talking to, I don't know anyone who would care enough to listen. I haven't even been able to fully tell either of them everything, for one of them would think I'm getting depressed and would worry, and the other one I get so angry and frustrated that I start crying, and then I get even more angry and frustrated and can't keep talking.
I need advice though, and I wish I knew where to go for help. Even though I said that I'm not going to kill myself, I constantly imagine taking my own life. Like, how peaceful would everything become once I take that jump? I would never have to fucking worry about anything again. And it's so fucking pathetic what's driving me to this point, especially with everything in my life that's fucked up, this maybe seems like a trivial thing to most.
But okay, just so you guys can understand the situation maybe a little bit, I share a room with my mom, who is a horder, and we both live at my grandma's, who is also a horder, and also my handicapped aunt.. This is because even with making $12.50 an hour with a full time job, I can't afford to move out unless I have a couple of people to roommate with, which I don't. Living in San Diego fucking sucks btw. So I'm stuck. I don't know how to get out of this house without becoming homeless. This wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have to share a room with my horder mom.
She has literally taken over the room that was once mine and my sisters. There is now a fucking pathway that goes through the room. I can barely walk without one of her piles collapsing onto the floor. And before you say anything about how I let it get this bad, I didn't. I have cleaned up my mother's mess for fucking years, she hasn't been a mother to me since I was a kid. We moved into my grandma's house when I was still in 3rd or 4th grade, I'm now almost 26. My dad was never fully in the picture, at least, I can't remember ever living with him for an extended time. He would be there for a little bit, but then the cops would come looking for him, or he and my mom would fight and things would get physical, and then I wouldn't see him for a few more months or so. My mom was horribly depressed during that time, so wasn't exactly there mentally, and even if she was, she didn't seem to care about much. She did keep all four of us fed and clothed though, even though she was really a single mother of three.
Even though I'm grateful to her for trying like she did for all those years, I'm royally pissed off at her for everything she is doing now. It's killing me to have to live in this kind of house. I suppose I should be so grateful to even have a place to live that I shouldn't care about the condition of the place, but I do. I've been alternatively wanting to either strangle my mother, or blow my own brains out. I just can't take this anymore. I don't know how to help my mom and still keep what little sanity that I have left.
I went through a box of my mothers stuff that has been in front of the dryer for years, you had to move it in order to get into the dyer, and it had just papers in it. Useless papers, covered in mouse droppings, from a 2014 calendar. I told my mom that I went through the box and tossed the stuff, and she threw a fit, yelling at me about how she wanted those blank calendar papers and how I had no right to do that and she didn't let up until I told her that they were covered in mouse droppings.
Every time that she can't find something, she immediately starts yelling at me about how I touch her stuff and move it and bury it and make her life so difficult, and this is all before she even spends two minutes looking for whatever it is that she wants.
So I can't clean the mess without her, otherwise I get to hear her bitching, but I also can't clean it with her, otherwise I have to put up with her trying to salvage useless, blank, calendar papers from 3 years ago that are literally covered in mouse shit. And frankly, I would rather blow my brains out or jump off a fucking bridge than have to live in this pigsty for another year. I've clean this room, without her help at least 3 times in the past 5 years. I keep my little area of the room as clean as I possibly can, but when it gets to the point where it is now, where I can't even reach my stuff because her shit is in the way, this is when I usually start cleaning the whole room. I just can't keep doing this though. I don't know what else I can do, but I can't keep doing this. I'd rather die. Or I'd rather she died. I just can't anymore though. I am at my wits end.
You guys are my last hope.
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self.SuicideWatch
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DAE get upset about something so fucking stupid that you dont even want to talk about it im pathetic
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self.depression
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I just need to vent and I dont know where else to do it. Whats the point in living when all i really want is to end it? Every day just seems like it drags on forever and is just a repeat of the previous day. It feels like im stuck in a loop and the only way to end it is to put an end to it all.
I fuck up every friendship/relationship I have. I always end up pushing people away, sometime intentionally and other times unintentionally. Some times i hope my “friends” see what I’m going through and try to help but it seems like nobody ever notices/cares. I just feel hopeless at this point.
I pushed one of my closest friends away and now they wont even talk to me. I just feel so alone and like everything is meaningless. It feels like im stranded on an island and im waving at ships to try and save me but they just keep sailing like im not even there. I just dont know how long i can this up.
My life is falling apart and i feel like i have no control over it. I was going to community college and working but ive recently lost both and all my motivation. It just seems like everything that can go wrong for me ends up going wrong. I dont know how to keep my hopes up anymore...
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self.SuicideWatch
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I hate that I feel like a bad parent [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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How do I explain to my dad that I don't want to live? He knows I've been pretty miserable lately (moved across the country to live with him) and to be fair, he's been trying his best to tell me to "look on the brightside, stay hopeful" etc.
I want to tell him that I'm not suicidal, but I just don't want to live. I feel he would just freak out and not listen to my explanation but I don't know how to break it to him gently. He's studying to be a nurse and I feel that he would go overboard if I told him anything that involved the words "me" and "suicidal". I do want help, but not a psych ward. I just need a starting point to explain my feelings.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Was my shrink unprofessional? So, today I went to see my shrink whom I've been seeing for the past three months. Just when I came through the door he said "Well, you look better than last time, are that new glasses?". I was somehow confused, as I looked normal, but ok...
After short talk he said something which quite shocked me: "You dont have depression. You have only symptons of it. Besides, it looks like you really want to be labeled as 'depressed'.
I thought:wtf, excuse me? I've been self-harming at least twice a week recently, on the last visit I ranted to him how much I wish that guns were easier obtainable in my country to kill myself quickly and painless, and that the only person holding me back is my mom (my suicide would break her heart). If that isn't depression, then I don't fucking know what it is...
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self.depression
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The Return... Of the Depressed, but Trying. After a sudden hiatus from most of my social media accounts, including Reddit, I've found the strength to come back and face the world haha. Sure, kind of sad that it's resulted in people thinking I ghosted them on purpose (and a few angry messages, wow), and I've missed out on a shitton of things here and there in real life, but it's a step forward in being human again. Progress.
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self.depression
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If I had a gun, I would have shot myself by now. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Goal Setting Sunday 11.19.2017 Let's set some goals for the week!
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self.bipolar
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I just got diagnosed After years of suspecting that I had bipolar disorder, I finally saw a psychologist and got diagnosed. I was really pushed to go after I saw how detrimental it was to those around me and the suicidal thoughts were becoming constant. I was a little disappointed when my doctor suggested medication to help with my treatment. I avoided medication for the longest because I would hate for them to zombify me. I don’t wanna be out of it nor feel unlike myself.
This leads me to ask, does anyone have alternatives for treatment? Has it worked? How long until you noticed a significant improvement? I have so many questions after finally being diagnosed and I just wanna know how to cope and where to go from here. Any input is appreciated!
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self.bipolar
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Subpar Love Story I didn't write this to feel sorry for myself, or receive pity from anyone. It's 11:00 at night and I just started typing in the notes section of my phone. This is what 20 mintues of typing your thoughts on a screen looks like.
To the Girl I put through Hell,
I never thought this day would come, maybe I did, but I never thought I'd feel like this.
I have a theory, there's no science behind it, but through my own relationships, and observing others, I believe there is always one person in a relationship that cares more than the other. Can two people be in love with each other? Absolutley. However, I believe one person loves the other just a little bit more. Some are very one sided (the guy/girl you see chasing their significant other even after they've been cheated on/abused/put through the ringer). Some are very even (the couples you see massaging each others hair on a public bus). You might even argue that the amount of care in a relationship can be fluid. One person might care more in the beginning, then slowly let it die towards the end.
Looking back, I think I was the first example. I was young, in college, not mature enough to settle down, and the girl I was in a relationship with was wrapped around my finger. I could do anything, and this girl was ready to forgive me. Now before I start painting myself as I narcissistic douche (I probably am), I was very up front about my intentions. She stuck by me. She watched me mess around with other girls, she sat through a handful of "i don't want to be in a relationship" rants, she put up with half ass attempts at being a boyfriend, and even tried her hardest to make a long distance relationship work.
One day, she had enough. She sat me down and threatened me with an untimatum, commit to her or let her go. I was shocked. I had never been given an untimatum, and I wasn't ready for either consequence. I was a coward, and being alone in a new city by myself, I chose to commit. It was probably one of the best decisions I made, because we had two great years together, years I am forever grateful for. However, it was still one sided, she cared more and our relationship reflected that.
We lived together for a while, and things seemed comfortable, but I couldnt help but feel like I was falling into a trap. I was still scared to fully commit, I couldn't even fathom the thought of marrying this girl. I didn't want to be the guy who always wondered "what if". Eveyone knows that guy. He's married, has kids, still hits on the waitress at Twin Peaks and live vicariously through college bros. Then something life altering happened, and everything was thrown into chaos.
One Sunday I got a call from Dad, the tone in his voice still give me chills. He told me that my brother was dead, and I became numb. I was in shock and I couldn't move. He was a victim of an armed robbery and shot dead for no reason. While my hand still gripped the phone, listening to confirmation from the detectives, she was holding my other hand, tight and assertive. She called out of work and booked a flight. She came with me to the funeral home to make arrangements, and sat next to me during the service. She helped clean my parents house, she layed next to when i went to the couch at night to cry. She was there, every step of the way.
The more things settled down, the more I was unsure of everything. I quit my job to take care of my parents, I moved away and left her to go home, and after a few months I ended things with her. I couldn't balance my relationship with her and help my parents cope. It was an emotional overload and I made a call. She didnt understand, and I didnt expect her to. I needed time alone. I needed to focus on myself. How can I get my family through this? Where do I go from here? Am I going to marry this girl? If not, then you need to let her move on. I ended things with her and took a couple months to think about everything. The more I thought about her, the more I knew I was making a mistake. Family members would ask about her and I'd tell them "she's the one." I had hour long conversations with my parents about her. They knew by the sincerity in my voice that I cared about her. I wanted to pick up the phone and tell her, but I needed to stick to the plan. Make sure this is what you really want.
Another month passed. Then one night, I had a dream like none I've ever had before. She was with somebody else, and I was invisible to her. She was walking away with this mystery man, and no matter how hard I screamed at her, she didn't look back. I woke up with anxiety, a true fear that i might actually lose a girl who loves me for who I am. I texted her, "Are you seeing anybody?" and after a few hours she called me. I knew when the phone rang she was, she could have just texted me. She told me she had been talking to someone, nothing serious but she was working on moving on. She had enough, she didnt say she had enough, but I could hear it in her voice. For the first time in my life, I felt it. I cared more, and the feeling was indescribeable. It felt as though someone stacked a few bricks on my chest, and I couldn't get them off. It was all my fault.
She still loves me, I know she does, and I still love her. But this time I might have put up a wall that can't be torn down, even if I was behind the wheel of the bulldozer. Life is fucking crazy and no matter how many people give you tidbits of wisdom about it, you always have to figure it out the hard way. Don't let her go, and dont waste time. Time is the only thing in this life you cant get back.
Will she come back? The only one that knows is her, but seeing the hell I put her through, I may have let "the one" walk right out the door, hell I even held it open for her.
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self.offmychest
|
Feeling depressed, suicidal, and hopeless about where my life is going Hello everyone,
I don't know if this is the correct subreddit to discuss this, but I am feeling that I need advice and a listening ear. I am in a top 10 grad program in a STEM field and I personally am not happy with the direction my life has gone in. I always wanted to be a musician every since I was a kid, but I always felt I was inferior to those I was around. I never had support from family or friends, so I always interpreted that I was untalented, that I was worthless. So, entering college I majored in a STEM field that seemed interesting and succeeded very well in it. Problem is that despite getting into a top 10 school, I don't have a passion for it like I did with music. I want to drop out, I really do, but I am afraid. I don't feel like I have the skill to be successful. I gave up on music for years since I felt I was terrible and worthless. And yet, if I stick with my current grad program I know I will be miserable. I feel incredibly depressed and have been self medicating with heroin and other drugs. Honestly, the only time I feel happy about myself is when I'm high. I don't know who to turn to. If I mention that I feel depressed and am using drugs to cope, I will get kicked out my program. I feel so hopeless. I have no friends at my institution and it seems that there is no hope in sight for me. Could someone please help me? Honestly, I just want someone to tell me I'm not irrational for feeling this way and that I am a worthwhile person. I want someone to tell me it is okay for me to drop out and pursue what my actual dreams are. Please help.
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self.depression
|
I really like how strong depression has made. I really like it man,it's like I am made of steel nothing can hurt my feelings anymore.
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self.depression
|
Ain't bipolar some shiet Basically I've been having a great time by myself this christmas and i think I've been hypomanic for like a week. Then i find out today that my best friend is bailing on a party we've had plan for new years for the last 2 weeks so all my friends can go to a different party out of state. They also decided i would be the one to stay behind alone to pick up my friend from the airport even after a complicated mishap has me currently fighting brain zaps. I'm always the friend that people hang out with unless they can trade up. So i literally went from dancing around the room and playing pokemon to hearing the news and frantically cleaning my house to get rid of the extra energy. The energy became fuel for the dark thoughts telling me they never were my friends. I started punching and breaking stuff in my room with tears in my eyes until my garbage bag was full and i had to drive and buy more. When i got back home i put a garbage bag over my head and held it there until i almost blacked out. Not to mention i took three lunesta to try and sleep. Now I'm happily listening to music again with no idea what demon came over me. Edit: i just realized its 3:30 in the morning, what happened to those lunesta?!?!?!
Double edit: fuck it i don't need them, i can still go to the party by myself.
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self.bipolar
|
Just Need Advice..to start with, I guess Sorry if this is the wrong place for this. First one i came across.
Throwaway obviously, and trying be brief. Would rather shower and try to fall asleep but have the feeling, not that it's uncommon, that i won't be able to.
What are some resources for people places or practices i can look to in order to... not be drastic i guess.
I've been in psych wards, I've driven myself to a hospital ER saying i wanted to do it (and laughed out and not held, voluntarily and alone..that is a great feeling. Hope that's illegal) and dealt with depression for roughly 20 years. I've been on pretty much all the pills but lithium.
Without getting into diagnosis and reasons, i guess.. could really use general advice. Hell, specific. Anything. Anything is better than this. I can get more specific after i shower..if i have to.
Thank you in advance. If nothing else, typing this is distracting.
Edit: Without commentary, i just realized after quick perusing what the sub i posted into was made of.. thank you for reading and or responding.. will reply with more specific details if need be. 31 year old male dealing with depression/CFS for 18 years.
Not going to edit for sake of being lazy but this is a response to someone else in this forum. If it helps explain anything.
"I guess the tldr now that i have a bit more time is that it took so much humiliation and swallowing my pride and trial by fire and much more to even remotely figure out what the hell would help.
Not sure i want to admit openly to committing a felony, but that is literally what it took to improve my quality of life. Once you swallow your pride, AND find the right therapist, it's a step forward.
Unfortunately mine moved away.. and not going to be an internet lawyer at the moment, but you just get to the point you don't fucking care.
Everyone tells you you're depressed, therefore you're tired. It took me doing what i did to have someone say, well, maybe you're just constantly tired, therefore you're miserable.
Not sure it's the right answer, but it's like one of those Lupus diagnoses on House. It's basically an elimination of all other possibilities..ie fibryomyalgia. (Not a doctor, feel free to chastise me if I'm wrong)
But it's the best I've got for now. "
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I’ve been feeling good for about 2-3 weeks now, but why is it I wanna be depressed again??? I miss the constant self-loathing, the non stop sleeping and always finding ways to waste time. I miss being sick to my stomach about something that happened to me recently. I miss being suicidal. Can someone please tell me why is that? It’s not normal and it’s kinda concerning.
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self.depression
|
Stuck in the loop Here I am at almost 3am reliving all my mistakes again. Not sad or mad, but, still can't stop. I hate this.
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self.bipolar
|
I’m ending it this weekend No matter how hard I try, I can never adjust to adulthood. I miss Mrs.Sonju and Mrs.Zachman as teachers from middle school. I miss all my friends. Before I leave this planet I’m going to visit them and be on my way.
Our mental health system is just bad, people kicked you down when you show a moment of weakness and so much more but I’m going to be taking my leave. I didn’t ask to be born in this cruel cold and harsh world that we have created ourselves. If we take what the planet provides we’ll be locked away. You have to work your ass off just to afford the basic human necessities like food clothing and shelter. It’s basically sweatshop labor in this country.
A human male like myself who is introverted,quiet and shy will never fit in this kind of society.
I’m pretty much done. I’ll finish this work week and be on my way.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I love my best friend I don't know if you know it, but you're my best friend. You make me laugh and you're always there for me. You want to hang out with me and I love spending time with you. Everything is easier with you around, I don't think I would've gotten through college without you.
Thanks, my dude. I love you to the moon and back and I hope that you'll still talk to me after you graduate. I'm gonna miss seeing you practically daily, but I'm really routing for you here.
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self.offmychest
|
What do you do? What do you do when your head is filled with constant chaos and screams and pain and the only person you've ever met that could silence it all won't talk to you anymore because of actions you've done? What do you do? Because I just feel like I should die, but I don't have enough willpower to actually kill myself, but if I wish hard enough for it, will something bad happen by accident? Sorry, I don't know why I'm posting this, I just need someone to hear.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
17 and been depressed for awhile okay, im gonna start this off by saying i've never used this website before so i don't really know what I'm doing, but I'm gonna give it a shot. im a 17 year old female who's been depressed for about 4 months now. honestly, i am struggling. i started smoking weed everyday and i can't really stop, its one of the only things keeping me going so i don't want to let it go. my mother has put all her attention towards my sister, (she's 15) and that kinda sucks. my sister started coming to my high school and all my friends are obsessed with her and no longer associate themselves with me, and i can't help but be resentful towards her for them liking her more than me, i might just be selfish. i don't know what happened to the person i used to be.. i used to be so bubbly and energetic, funny and outgoing but I've become so.. insecure with myself. i've had a couple people come up to me, telling me that they've noticed my change in behavior & they've offered me their support, but i haven't taken it. i'm not exactly an open book, i hate discussing MY own problems + issues with other people cause i don't like feeling like a burden. I'm useless. and not sure what to do with myself. always searching for a purpose and trying to fill the void. so thats it, thats my story. i haven't asked for help because i don't want to hurt my mom or dad with what I've been dealing with, they don't see me when I'm alone in my room crying & smoking to relieve the pain. yea.
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self.offmychest
|
Anyone else feel like the only way to escape feelings hit are through sleep and drinking? I'm currently drunk out my mind dancing round my room singing to wonderwall by oasis and I don't feel so bad. does this work for you?
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self.depression
|
I am sick and tired of people telling me that I’m so “insightful.” [NAW] [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
My toddler has awesome boundaries And she's never going to end up like me :)
We have a book on private parts being private. She calls it her 'fish book' because all the characters are sea creatures in bathing suits. She loves her fish book.
Her favourite part is marching around the room pointing at her toys shouting 'my bits are not for sharing!'
We've covered who is allowed to touch where. Mum and dad and childminder wipes after she uses the toilet. The doctor looks if she is sore. Mum and dad put cream on if she is sore (she's had thrush).
Today at bed time she was looking a bit red, I think the thrush is back. So just because I'm paranoid, we ran through her fish book again.
So what parts are not for sharing? I asked.
'Bits, bums and nipples!' she cheered, pointing at the turtle in a bathing suit. (She does know the proper words but bits covers boys & girls.)
And who is allowed to touch there, and why?
She ran through the entire list. At the end she shouted 'and NO OTHER REASONS!' with a big grin and gave me a hi 5 (for telling me who does what and when).
I asked her, what would you do if someone else tries to touch there? Or for a different reason?
'Go and tell mummy!' She grinned. She laughed at the pinchy crab in the picture.
I love how funny she thinks it is, but much more I love that she's never going to be touched and silenced and tricked and traumatised in the same way. Even if someone did it, she'd tell me. Even if they forced her not to tell, she'd realise when she grew up, and she could share. No matter what, she's got at least one parent she can trust. It makes me so happy. To her it's just a game, the same way we join in with the kangaroo hopping in her kangaroo book, or the rabbits stretching in her rabbit book, or the counting in any one of her number books. But this game is one that keeps her safe.
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self.offmychest
|
It's only December 2nd. It's only December 2nd, and once again, I'm counting down the days until January. I absolutely dread holidays with my parents (I live at home because grad school was expensive and I'm poor again, but building my savings/move out fund).
Can you have PTSD from your parents constantly arguing?
I've tried telling them both to go to therapy. Big oops on my part. Mom insists nothing is wrong with her, and Dad insists therapy doesn't work. Their communication skills suck. It consists of them both holding in their grievances until someone (usually Mom) blows their top, and the yellee getting upset.
Tonight's blow up was over plastic bin bags and Dad's (sarcastic) remark about finding things in the pantry.
Mom gets mad, yells, and walks out of the room. She'll stew, but it'll clear up in 1-3 days.
Dad gets 'offended', and asks at me is yelling about inconsequential stuff "normal" behavior. Jokes /s. He'll go out and get pissed, and then stew over it for the next week, making passive aggressive commentary the whole time. Oh, and if I refuse to answer his questions, I'm siding with 'her'. Neutral is, sadly, not an option.
I just needed to vent this, because I'll be dealing with this crappy behavior all month.
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self.offmychest
|
Having major anxiety about flying alone I’m supposed to fly to see my brother across the country today, and it will be my first time flying alone. I’m very nervous and regretting booking the trip. I really just don’t want to even go because I’m so scared and anxious about it. Have any of you guys experienced this before with vacations and flying?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I want to die A lot of people here have SOs who they love and that stop them from doing it. I don't have that. It'll be so easy to do it. No one will care.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
What are some ways to cope with social anxiety after weekend fun? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Have you ever? Have you ever woken up and started crying for an hour straight?
Have you ever just stood at the edge of a balcony and asked yourself, "if I jumped would I die? Would I be able get over before anyone stops me? Would it free me from this hell?
Have you ever looked at your family and feel so sad cause after all they've done your still a messed up individual?
Have you ever doubted your faith? Maybe God hates me. Maybe it's karma. Maybe I deserve it.
Have you ever felt so inadequate? Maybe I'm not good enough. Maybe I am pathetic.
Have you felt so alone. 7billion people out there and the only one who you can talk to is your counselor, well because he gets paid to.
These last few days have been hell and I need a savior...or a way out. My life is in shambles and every step forward ends up being 10 steps back.
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self.depression
|
I Want To Cut Off My Own Arm I'm in my early twenties, and this is an issue I've been dealing with since I was in middle school. I've had near constant shoulder pain since I was really young, and it wasn't till a year ago that we finally figured out what it is: I just have a naturally unstable joint. Even after years of physical therapy the pain gets so bad sometimes that I can't use my arm; all I can do is let it hang at my side and hope the pain stops eventually.
The rest of my arm is perfectly fine, but I'm just so done with the constant pain and problems my shoulder causes that I just want it gone. I just want to tear it off and stop dealing with it. But, I know that if I talked to anyone around me about it they'd think I was losing my mind.
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self.offmychest
|
I am scared to approach a girl. She's beautiful, she goes to my school. I saw her glancing at me a few times in cloackroom. Our eyes meet often on corridors. Today I had the perfect change to talk to her, but I fucked up. And now I think she lost interest... Jesus help me
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self.depression
|
Quetiapine/Seroquel and drowsiness I've been on 25mg of Quetiapine for around 6-7 months now, and I've been told to take one during the day and then one again at night... My only problem is during the first 8-10 weeks of taking it, I could not physically stay awake during the day, and when I did, my joints felt very tight and I'd even start shaking. I managed to keep going as this was during my summer break from university and I was told that this would eventually stop, but it never did. I returned to university and had to stop taking it during the day, as I couldn't stand to be in that state and still try to attend classes.
Has anyone else experienced this drowsiness? Now that I'm only taking it at night, I've found myself struggling more during the day to cope with my moods. I feel a bit at a loss as my doctor is pretty determined to keep me on this rather than trying me on a different medication. I'm 19 and have only previously been on prozac, but if my body can't handle such a low dosage, compared to what my doctor wants to eventually bring me up to (around 100-200mg) then I'm worried about what options I have left.
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self.bipolar
|
How do you stop scaring people off? "It's back. That dangerous feeling of invincibility. It's going to be one hell of a spectacle and you'll think i'm magic. I only ask, that when I start to fly too far out, you do what all others have failed to do. Pull me back. Fight tooth and nail to get my feet on steady ground. And stay when I'm no longer Icarus. Stay even when I resent you for keeping me from the all-consuming brilliance of the sun. "
I wrote that message for one of my exes. He fought hard to stay but I drove him away eventually. I have yet to find someone who could weather my storms. I realise that there's a pattern to how my relationships play out. They start with the other person getting very attached to me because I'm spontaneous and a lot of fun. When they realise that I'm also erratic and reckless, they end up running for the hills. I've tried a different approach where I tell them I'm bipolar from the very start. It has had a 0% success rate so far. So my question is for those of you in healthy relationships. How did you get there?
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self.bipolar
|
to those of you with an SO, do you talk about it? does it help? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Never actually been diagnosed as such with anxiety but I’m wondering if seeing a doctor would help? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Need to Change Depression meds....but SCARED..HELP!!! I have been on Celexa 40mg for over 18 YEARS. It's NOT working and I really need to change but I'm so scared that I'll get even WORSE!! My Dr. has given me a month of Prozac but I never took it because of fear. This month he gave me a new drug Trintellix but I haven't started it yet either. I'm SO ON THE EDGE that I'm too scared to try something new because if it doesn't work (or God forbid, makes me WORSE.....) then I just know I for sure won't make it. What should I do? Has anyone else been too scared to try other new or different meds??
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I spent my birthday drinking, crying, cutting myself, and afterwards, in a hospital.
|
self.depression
|
Anyone else physically exhausted after a mixed or hypo episode? [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
My love broke up with me a month ago and it's not getting better. I'm 19.
My girlfriend broke up with me a month ago. We were dating for 2 years. There weren't any huge problems between us, except for one: university started and she realized she was young. Fuck, I can't talk about it because I constantly tear up.
I have a friend. She's friends with both me and my ex. She doesn't understand why the hell we broke up (we were the 'perfect match' couple in our circle), so she's helping me through this...
But... today I felt even worse than before. I just can't forget her. Her smile, her voice... And when I wanted to speak with my friend, it kinda felt like she didn't really want to help me anymore. I totally get it, she has her own life, and I imagine I'm quite annoying and whiny too. But I feel helpless. It's been a month and nothing changed. In fact, it's even worse! I had other girlfriends before my ex, but I recovered from their break ups in a month or few. This time... I just want to die.
I was diagnosed with depression 2 years ago. It runs in the family, so it wasn't suprising. I met my love back then. After a few months of therapy and medicine, depression disappeared into the shadows. Now I feel I want to die and cease to exist, but I don't feel depression. I'm afraid it will return, but luckily, nothing happened so far. Still, I just want to disappear. Forever. I know I should distract myself, and I've been trying. I started playing around in FL Studio, I play Dark Souls 3 (which is awesome) and I'm concentrating on my studies (programming). I've even gone on dates with other girls. Yesterday, I spent ten hours with a girl. She is a beautiful person. It was one of the greatest dates I've ever had.
But it's still bad. I don't feel any progress towards a normal life. I feel like giant chains are holding me down, and no matter how many things are pulling me up, I'm stuck.
I miss her. I'm so alone without her. God...
I don't know why I'm posting this. I feel like everyone says the same stuff: it will get better, trust me etc.
I know, I'm still young blah blah blah. I have heard it countless times, but it doesn't really help, so please spare me this.
|
self.offmychest
|
I feel but I kinda wanna just say why...idk if this is even allowed but f-it So yeah what the title says. I feel lonely and sad (most of the time...99% of the time.) Idk. I have 3 or 4 irl friends but eh..i haven't seen them in about a year already. Nothing but loneliness I guess. I feel like they're more of acquaintances. But I feel like they're enjoying themselves much more with what I call, their "main friends". They're not mean or anything of that nature but rather just gone. I understand cause they're far away as hell but I feel I feel like I won't ever see them again. I don't mind, I'm scared of people anyway.
I also hate people a lot. I'm misanthropic. (yeah contradiction, I give no shits.) But I guess misanthropy can get lonely. Whenever I see the news, other social media and things of that nature I can't help but feel hatred or sometimes jealousy over something that's supposed to encourage. Inside me I feel like I can do way better and I try to hone my skills (idk if they're even skills or just some dumb hobby) on things I do by myself most of the time but eh, I'm by myself all the time. That doesn't mean I spend 90 percent of my time on social media, I just check like once a day or in 2 days unless something major happens in case it hits home. (like net neutrality, or some future civil war or some shit)
Something I've noticed though, between doing something that could cost me my life and talking to people (be it online or irl), I rather do dangerous stuff. I've been near death multiple times. I hate people, and I'm also kinda afraid of them. Not politically incorrect shit, that's kids stuff. I'm talking about 1 to 1 relationships where people are "friend-ing" around at malls, movies, parks, conventions, online, offline, gaming, and even in their own damn houses. Makes me feel kinda hopeless. I've spent almost 3 years alone. I can't call this depression because I haven't killed myself yet (even though i've thought about it before but eh, I thought it was a stupid idea), though maybe someone might see it as depressing.
Not asking for friends though since I feel like I'm not good as a friend myself (especially with media and people spreading the negativity towards negative, pessimistic, destructive people. Hell maybe this post might get removed for not being in the right category.) Just wanted to say this somewhere.
|
self.depression
|
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