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I wish I wanted friends. I've dealt with depression and social anxiety for the vast majority of my life. I've also had a shit ton of health issues to contend with. These two issues combined have made making and keeping friends incredibly difficult. At this point I work a full time job and that eats up all my energy. My one coworker who is hilarious and is supportive of me wants to hang out but I never really want to. Being social takes a lot of effort for me. My best friends are my cats and my bed. I fantasize about having a social life but I'm really just unable to and unwilling to put effort in. I've been alone so long that I'm completely accustomed to it.
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self.offmychest
|
Is this subreddit actually helpful? Curious as to this? I get in a bitter angry mood and come here. Then I see everyone else suffering the same thing and I get even more bitter and angry. Almost like kindling to an already burning fire.
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self.depression
|
I hate my brother!!! Hes come back for the holidays. As soon as he walked through the door he was kicking off.
Hes been back home 2 days now and is driving me mental. My depression actualy got better after he left now its all come back.
He is the rudest most selfish, disrespectful asshole that ive ever met, pure evil, definition of scum of the earth!!!
I dont now how many more days that i can put up with this shit.
Just needed to get this off my chest
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self.offmychest
|
The not-so-great side of having parents who are immigrants We're all familiar with the idea of parents moving to a different country with a nothing but a couple of suitcases, not knowing the language or having any connections, having to work bottom-of-the-barrel labour jobs that left them worn and aching every day; all to give their kids a better life. And it is admirable, I don't deny that and I am extremely grateful. But I am not going to let that gratitude stop me from recognizing the ignorance and toxicity of many such parents. There's another side to the story, one that many children of immigrants, such as myself, are much more familiar with. There are two things in particular I'd like to address.
The first is the distrust and dislike that is held by many of these parents toward the country they moved to. And given everything they have had to go through to settle here, I can understand that to an extent. But what I absolutely **cannot** accept is passing on that fear and distrust to your children. I was born here in Canada. I have a citizenship and I've never even left the country, yet I've never been able to see myself as Canadian. And that's all thanks to my mother. When I was young, she used to give me regular pep talks about how I was not Canadian and that I never will be, how people did not like or trust me because of the color of my skin or my name (a Muslim name), and that I should only make friends with other brown kids. It sounds horrible when I write it out, but from her perspective she was trying to protect me from what *she* was afraid of; people who were foreign to her. What she failed to realize is that they weren't foreign to me. I have no connection to my birth country and I hardly even speak the language. Canada is all I know. So if I'm taught to be afraid of the only people I knew how to relate to, where do I belong? The answer is obvious looking at where I am today. I don't feel I belong anywhere and I cannot connect with anybody. I feel unwanted and disliked everywhere all the time. And so I isolate myself and I don't trust anyone, and my mother's words become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
The second is that so many of these parents end up becoming cold and emotionless towards their children. So many of them feel as though showing any love or affection towards children will spoil them, and so they end up treating their kids as employees who only exist to be financially successful. Immigrant parents see all the struggle they've gone through as an investment, and their children as the payoff. We're not seen as individual human beings. To them, we are part of *their* life plan, their insurance for their old age. And the priority is always for us to try to make them happy, not the other way around. And we do try. We want to make them proud. But no matter how well you do, they will never budge on not giving any positive reinforcement. To them, being satisfied with their children will stunt them; they must continue to demand more in order to get better results. What they don't see is that those same results, and sometimes even better, could be attained by a simple "Well done" or "I'm proud of you". Those words will *not* spoil a child or make them settle for less. It will show them how good it feels to have real love and support and most importantly to have someone who believes in them, and that is what will make them want to strive for more. Showing love is not just for white people. I still get culture shock when I see families talking to each other casually, not just out of necessity, or when I see them say "I love you" after every phone call. And I crave for that. But I've had to come to terms with the fact that that is just not mine to have. I'm supposed to be satisfied with the fact that my parents traveled across an ocean for me, and that should be enough. And it's enough for many kids. You see the graduation photos of kids and their parents, the captions detailing how thankful they are for their parents' struggle. And so often I feel ungrateful for not feeling that way. And I'm told that true love is shown through actions, not words. But I'm no longer ashamed to admit that it's not enough for me. If I can't have a regular conversation with my parents without it turning into a 2 hour-long criticism session, if I can't hug or kiss them or tell them I love them without them thinking there's something wrong with me, if I'm made to feel ashamed in my own skin, then that love is not enough for me.
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self.offmychest
|
Officially joining this forum White Male age 25
Ex Alcoholic/Heroin Addict (clean 4 yrs)
Unemployed 3 years (living with parents)
No friends (high school friends dropped me one by one)
No girlfriend
Poor relationship with nuclear family (dad, brother)
No hobbies interests
Severe Anhedonia
Come off as a creep
Boring person to talk to
Online troll (Given minimal attention)
Dead inside
How's everyone doing?
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self.depression
|
Experience with Zoloft I've had anxiety fror years and decided to finally decided to do something about it as it's been worse recently. My doctor gave me Zoloft today and I'm nervous about the side effects. I'm wondering what everyone elses experience with it is?
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self.Anxiety
|
That's it, I feel totally empty on the inside because I don't have any motivation to do anything at all Honestly, I do nothing at all. I don't have the motivation to do anything. I mean, I only watch YouTube all the day long. I don't know what I want to achieve in my life, I mean I go to university (due to special circumstances only one day a week) and I immediately hated the subject I've chosen. Now I'm trying to take another study-subject, at another university, and I really hope that I'll start it from the next semester on.
But: I simply don't know if this is what I want. I mean, I even don't know what subject I want to chose because I don't even know what kind of subjects will be available at all the universities in my country from the next semester on. But generally speaking, due to the immense laziness of the last half year (I had no duties, I only watched YouTube the last half year and ate Fast-Food) I just feel depressed and unmotivated. I don't know what I want to achieve in my life, I don't know what I even want to do in my life. I am so fed up with my situation that I could easily just scream for the next hour only out of my great desperation.
I watched these "self-improvement/-help videos" on YouTube, I watched it from every thinkable person, and everything they are saying just seems not realisable to me. I am so desperate that I could only scream and cry for the whole day long, I am fed up with this "self-improvement" thing, I don't have the will to realize any of their advice.
I think you can kind of understand me. But for now, I simply don't know what I can do. I want to find an orientation in my life, and motivation, I mean motivation to...live? And not only to watch YouTube and eat Junk-Food. My will has been broken due to the last 6 months of laziness and no duties, if I could I would always sleep, I am very tired
What can i do? I really don't want to scream to you by writting in capslock, but really, I don't know what to do, and I hope that someone will pay me some kind of attention and will help me. Don't tell me to go to a therapist, as it is hard to get an appointment at a therapist in my country. I want to beat it at my own........
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self.depression
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If I attempt Suicide as a Jane doe can I receive free help? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Do bad people deserve to die? I don't know, I've been thinking about what I've done in the past and I've just about come to terms that I'm a bad person, and that I don't think I deserve to live anymore. I've molested two my best friends a couple nights when I was fucked up and it's been a constant feeling of regret I've had because they understandably won't forgive me, I don't know how I want to continue or if I still want to, I guess that's why I'm asking do bad people deserve to die? Because I know im a bad person, I know I've scarred them, I know I won't ever be able to forgive myself for it. I know I won't ever have the balls to end it.
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self.depression
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why am I trying? The way I'm going I won't achieve anything in life. Even when I try to change I can't , and everything has been terrible for a year now. It's like I'm just killing myself but slowly.
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self.depression
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GO TO YOUR COLLEGE DISABILITY OFFICE PLEASE Hi. So I am a senior in college and it took me so many years to go to the disability office due to late diagnosis. I wish I had entered my college career with these resources. I have gotten an individualized testing room and you can really see the difference between my first test (taken in classroom) and my second test (taken individually). I was blown away by my second test score (33/34). In the same class, the first test, I scored a 30/40.
They are so nice and have helped me so much. The individualized testing room finally let me focus and actually hone in on the test. I am hoping my GPA gets a boost from this year. I cannot say this enough. These are the resources given to you. Utilize them. Don't be me.
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self.bipolar
|
what happened? I am obsessing over this and I am consumed by hatred.
Today I envisioned seeing you on the subway platform and attacking you.
When I explore the reasons I hate you, I realize I was rejected by you and then I have to grapple with whether or not I deserved to be rejected. I hate you because you gave up on this and wiped your hands clean of this like it was nothing.
But meanwhile you said that you would stay my friend. That you would still talk to me and give me support if I needed it. You even suggested we stay in each others lives as friends and see shows together.
However you have done nothing but ignore me. All texts and gchats no matter the subject. Sharing music with you. I thought we would at least do that?
I hate you for ignoring me and I hate you for lying about staying friends.
Fuck you.
I want to confront you and get a straight answer. I want to say, "what happened?".
When I last saw you, you were scoffing at me when I suggested that you were leaving my life as you swore that you weren't going anywhere. What happened? Clearly you have left my life entirely. I am pathetically wondering if I'll ever hear from you.
I fantasize about waiting outside of your building for you to confront you.
fuck you.
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self.offmychest
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What word or phrase do you use to describe your mental illness (especially if you have more than one) I’m finding the term “mental ILLNESS” to be stigmatizing so I started using “mental condition” Just looking for something a bit more idk, neutral? Less offensive.
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self.bipolar
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Does anyone else "live inside their head"? Hi, this is my first ever post.
I feel like I'm living in my head 99% of the time. I catch myself forming conversations in my head between me and other people. It's pretty obvious because my lips move and I tend to smile when this happens. (A couple of my friends have pointed this out) Sometimes, the conversations are just between me and myself. I feel very numb during this whole process. The topic of these "conversations" revolve around feeling worthless in every aspect. It feels like life is against me. I'm average in every way (looks, intelligence, skills). I feel like I will never amount to anything. I just do things to get them over with, just so that I can continue to keep to myself and get stuck in my head like this. I don't have pride in any non-school/school project or assignment I do. Even things that should be enjoyable, like going out with friends doesn't really do anything for me. It feels as if nothing brings me joy, except numbing myself out from everyone else.
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self.depression
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My mom cried because of Christmas and how broken our family is. I felt so helpless and cried too. She deserves better, I feel so guilty I feel like shit. My mom cried this morning, I asked her what's wrong and she said "its ok". But I know the reason, she has terrible children, one is in jail and the other one is a massive piece of shit who is so selfish and doesn't care about anyone but himself, he doesn't care for us or our feelings. He always disrespects her, bullies and puts her down (like he did to me) and always has to insult us to try and make a point. I don't know how this piece of crap even has relationships with how selfish and mean he is. I'm glad he doesn't live here anymore. and as for me I'm just very depressed to do much in my life and my mom cried thinking about this and how she doesn't have a family who gets along.
I cried as well, because yes it hurts not having a good family who cares for you. only my mom truly cares for me and look what I done, I hurt her by being a shut in that is too scared to do anything including work or go to school, she wants me to go to church with her and I don't have the energy to get out of bed. I'm too anxious to go anywhere so she mostly goes everywhere alone. I can only tell her I love her and be nice to her, but that's not enough.
She deserves better (Especially raising us alone which was so tough ), she deserves children who treat her right and like a queen. who have their lives together and are successful which I'm not
I wish it wasn't this way, I used to like Christmas but abusive family and how I gave up on life just ruined it.
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self.depression
|
Has anyone ever gone to an anxiety workshop? My university offers free drop in workshops for anxiety and I'm considering going to one. I was just wondering if anyone had gone to one before and what their experience with it was like? I also regularly see a therapist, if that's relevant.
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self.Anxiety
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It's my bday and I just feel I'm Darkness [deleted]
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self.depression
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My journey with depersonalization, depression, and HPPD Hello folks. I wasn't sure where to post this, but I figure this subreddit was as good as any. This story branches from all vantage points both high and low. Successes and defeats. Revelations and hopelessness.
I'll start at the beginning. The fresh age of 18. A whole world at my feet waiting to be taken by the horns. Or so I thought. My first experience with mental health gone wrong started in my parents garage with 3 friends of mine. Smoking weed was my favorite past time and this day was no particular exception. We we're passing around a bong and I was up, ready for that sweet high. This time was different though. 5 minutes after I had taken a hit, things took a turn for the worst. I experienced my first full blown bout of depersonalization, followed promptly with a panic attack. All of the thoughts I had about anxiety and whether or not it was real exploded in a single instant. Of course it was real. And it was happening to me right now. Hard. I spent that night curled up on the couch next to my father who watched with deep concern as I slowly came back to planet Earth. This was only the first out of countless times this would happen over the next few years.
I spent 3 terrible years controlled by anxiety and dissociation. Panic attacks and depression. Feelings that this hold my brain had placed on me would never cease. It's been eight years since this all started, and at times I wonder if I've actually made any progress. A year ago, I was so depressed, and dealing with a bad fit of hypochondria, that I was convinced I was sting of sleep apnea. Fatigue had taken control of my life. That is until I had a sleep study that revealed it was truly all in my head. But let's rewind a little.
I moved to Asheville in 2013, 4 years ago. One of the beat decisions I've ever made. My depersonalization nearly disappeared after 6 months in a new environment with friends I could truly call the best. I met a girl with whom I feel madly in love with. All of my problems were melting like wax under a lit wick. I would consider myself to have been 85% healed during this time of my life.
My breakup caused me to revert back to my 18 year old self, sitting in the garage losing what little he believed to have had of a mind. This lead me to seek out an actual reason for all my grief.
Through therapy I found that my childhood was not as bright and shiny as I had previously thought. With two alcoholic parents that showered me with gifts to hide their non ideal parenting methods, my childhood was essentially a lie. I spoke my feelings to nobody, and I was miserable my whole child life.
Im at work currently.. I want to write more when I have the time. If anyone is interested in hearing the rest let me know. Stay strong everyone.
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self.depression
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I self harmed today for the first time in a while. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Not Sure Where to Begin From the beginning, I suppose. I'm 22, highly intelligent, and completely lost.
I've always felt like a stranger to everyone. I think better than I act. I was always a social outcast, my parents were criminals. My academic history is wrought with a lack of trying, a complete distance from it, born of a cut from an unhealthy tree, maybe.
Yet, when I get these moments of clarity, like I'm in the centre of an ocean beneath the water. When all is calm, and still. I find myself. For a day? An hour? I claim it as my own and become someone else. That silence in my mind gives me breath under the perceived ocean that deprives me. But it comes at such a speed, like at that moment, the universe made it so; gave me the subtle reprieve I longed for. And just as quick as I gain it, I lose it.
I'm tired of the isolation, where no one gets me. I'm tired of the pain, emotional, born physical after the breath is gone. Self medication was my answer, and even that ceases to be enough. It's like an obstacle course you keep running but never seem to get better at, because it changes in the most silent ways. The wall I climb, the handholds move and I fall. My feet never find the right place a second time as a sprint through it.
I am not happy. I never have been. I've seen too much, and those that *look* rarely ever *see* and it hurts. The ignorance of our world is climaxing. I want to let go, focus on change for myself to in turn make a difference. But doesn't it all seem meaningless sometimes?
**Tl:dr** - I feel like my true self comes and goes, and I want to stop existing and start living for myself, and in turn help those who are lost, just like me. One day.
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self.Anxiety
|
Bad week Finals week I feel like my depression is seeping back into my life. I can't help dwelling on all the negatives even after I recognize them as ANTs. I got two wrong on my physics final, I should be happy but all I can think of what were the two I got wrong. Even then it's overshadowed by my G.I.S. and mineralogy finals. For both exams my mind just kind of blanked out I couldn't remember the information. It took a while for me to try to think of answers and even then I'm afraid of misspelling easy words and looking stupid. Or just how I word the answers in short incomplete sentences. I'm worried that I'll fail my classes but in reality so probably wont.
I'm constantly thinking of the phrase "can't teach an old dog new tricks". Am I too late? Am I too old to retain all this information
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self.depression
|
What does it feel like to be happy for more than 5 minutes? I'm an empty guy surrounded by an abusive dad. I don't even remember the last time I actually felt prolonged happiness. Well, I guess I must turn to Buddhism: *"All living beings must endure suffering."*
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self.depression
|
I relapsed into cutting again. I fucked up, I fucked up again I ruined my chance. I moved for school for a fresh start and I fucked up my friend group I made here like I always do and now only one of them will talk to me its putting a strain on him though to balance friendships I just can't. He doesn't deserve to be dragged into this bullshit.
They're all hanging out now having fun, prob are better off with me out of the group though whenever this has happened before it seems like noone cared and it didn't change much between the rest of my old friends.
I thought shit was getting better but honestly I'm not surprised everything went bad it always does.
I'm grateful though that I still have that one friend he's my lifeline right now but if stuff doesn't get better I'm just gonna end it in prob sometime after new year.
At least the new cuts are putting a smile on my face, I don't do standard strait lines though I try to make art so at least I can enjoy looking at some part of my body for once.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Has adderall caused anxity for anyone My GAD has never been too bad. Like i get worried about things every now an then. But i just started taking adderall for my ADHD last semester i decided to try and stop taking adderall after taking it for 10 years and i just had a panic attack, (please note that it was very quick, like symptoms only lasted about 10 min). I havent has one for the time i was off adderall. Now im at a cross road. I dont know if i should stop taking my adderall and do terrible in school, or not take it and have my anxity ramped up. Thanks.
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self.Anxiety
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I feel like killing myself is the only way I will find happiness.
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self.SuicideWatch
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today was my birthday and i deactivated my facebook and not a single one of my friends knew lol :(
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self.depression
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How to still be an artist when you have depression? [deleted]
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self.depression
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I feel totally depressed every time I do something good/that should benefit my recovery [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I JUST WANT TO FUCKING ICE SKATE We set a date for it but you had other plans to entertain at the last few seconds so I had to compromise tho excitement is too much to handle, I tried to understand. Then we set another time for it but you got sick. I honestly was not looking forward to ice skating after that but you promised it'll happen today. And the day has come but I still did not raise my hopes up but you said youre on your way so I thought its finally happening but then there was the rain, it was impossible to get a ride and I am stuck in the streets for almost 2 hours and I finally realize that I have had enough of this. Im going home. FUCK ICE SKATING! Fuck this day! Fuck excitement!
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self.offmychest
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Feel out of control right now, what is this? Long post alert! Sorry in advance, just need to get it all out.
44 year old male, married, 3 young kids of school age, recently experiencing major anxiety problems, and a general fear and disinterest of life in general. Previously I have been a totally confident in-control person. I am a big personality, that annoying gregarious guy at parties who always talks the loudest and has the funniest stories. I’m good with people, my wife fell in love with me 10 years ago partly due to my unshakeable self-confidence, creativity and passion. I have negotiated deals, travelled worldwide alone, presented to 100 people etc – all in my stride.
In the last 18 months I have utterly fallen off a cliff and I feel entirely overwhelmed. To the outside world of casual acquaintances nothing has changed. This week I’ve taken clients out and have been chatty and fun and in control, but inside I have massive self confidence issues and a crushing fear that everyone is judging me. Parents at the school gate, parents at sports coaching, peers at work, bosses at work, neighbors, I get really hung up about everyone thinking I am a useless waste of space that they just tolerate to get by. It’s eating me up at night, and I have zero self esteem right now.
At home I have literally switched off, and can’t control or achieve anything anymore other than follow basic instructions from my wife. I am always grumpy which is totally out of character. My children constantly annoy me (all kids are annoying but I don’t handle it well), I snap at them and basically try to ignore them, I know this is terrible and I really push to get involved in their games and interests but their constant noise and irritating behaviour just gets me snappy again. I don’t want to be like this as I used to be a creative, silly, fun and loving dad, I know how it’s done I just can’t do it. Jobs get half finished, the house doesn’t get maintained, multiple failures.
My sleep routine is awful, I get about 6 hours broken into two bits when either one of the kids or the cat wakes me up at 3am. I’m tired all the time, most of my day is spent wanting to crawl into bed or curl up on a sofa and forget the world. However whenever someone engages a conversation it’s like an autopilot kicks in and I’m “big me” again, but the only time I genuinely, internally, feel happy and in control is alone, driving my car, listening to music. Music seems to be my only therapy right now, suddenly I’m happy again and shouting & wild and loving it, it’s the only thing that seems to bring out passion, zest for life. I also have fallen into using my phone as a life distraction, all the time, Reddit, Facebook, news sites, even just basic games.
At work, I am shying away from challenges, and I can’t plan or focus on anything. If urgent issues come up I can kick in and solve it, but anything that needs self-driving just gets nowhere. I used to manage and lead large teams but have taken a role where I am working alone and now, and whilst I enjoy the actual work better, I can’t seem to manage my own time at even a basic level, I’m not “riding the wave”, I’m going under. Everything is reactive and I am scared to step up and put out new ideas for fear of failing or looking stupid.
I help out in the community by sports coaching and outdoor pursuits etc, it's not my skillset but I wanted to take on a challenge, but now I’m just not interested anymore and it shows. I desperately want to give it all up and walk away, I literally hate it and spend the 24 hours before each session panicking and getting the shits because I just can’t face the responsibility of running a session and being judged on it.
RELATED ISSUE : For the last few years I’ve been getting the most random panic attacks in very specific situations. It’s always in an important or high pressure situation where I am in a group, and it would be highly embarrassing or impossible to leave. For example sat in the crowd at a wedding, or a funeral, in a business meeting at work, or on an aeroplane, even my childrens school show! The amount of people doesn’t bother me, it’s the pressure.
It’s not stage fright, as I would prefer it if I’m the one doing the presenting and I am happy chatting in front of large groups. It’s also not claustrophobia as I’m ok in large crowds stood up, for example at a gig, where I’m free to move and relax. It’s always the same. I start fretting when I sit down. Once it all quietens down and someone starts the event, and we are all supposed to sit quietly, a feeling inside me NEEDS to get out of the room, but I can’t because that would look terribly embarrassing. My body goes hot and is SCREAMING at me to get out and this creates panic. Currently I get out of it by secretly pinching my leg really hard and creating pain, and talking myself down, my heart rate goes insane and then I settle down. It’s horrible. I’ve been taking Propranolol on an ad-hoc basis but it’s becoming very embarrassing and there must be a longer term solution. I can’t help thinking it’s all linked to the other issues.
Anyway, if you’ve got this far thanks for reading, I appreciate it. That was an eye opener just to write it all down. I really don’t know what’s been happening to me or what to do next……
TL;DR Life feels completely overwhelming for me when previously I have been an overly confident outgoing person, not sure why and how to deal with it.
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self.Anxiety
|
Yeah, there's billions of women in this world, but you only meet five candidates in a lifetime. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Shall I kill myself? Because I am already dead inside... I know how almost all of you that is if anyone even replies at all, will say. Oh no life is so precious and don’t do it, everything will be OK at the end... well sadly it did not..
I am not sure how this works, because I don’t know from where to begin, my troubled childhood, my anxieties, depression and loneliness, etc..
I have autism/bi-polar as if that’s even possible.. I’ll be 27 years old next year and up until this day I have never had a friend, people always don’t wish to be my friend, once I were on the meds to get over my anxieties and social awkwardness it helped have no fear to talk to people, but sadly my paranoia and craziness couldn’t be treated. What’s more, the medication made me gain over 30kg and almost lose all of my hair.. I am fat and ugly and nearly going bold.. and I wish I was at least living in a country where being bold isn’t always necessary a bad thing, but sadly for me people I live with only care about appearances and how wealthy you are. Or what brands you are wearing.. as if these ridiculous things could matter...
I can’t speak to people and when I try to speak and actually make an effort, I always push them away, I am not good enough or pretty or normal like everyone else.. I don’t fit in.. it’s not that I wish to kill myself; I am just externally tired to no end and bored and I just wish that I don’t exist anymore so I don’t have to bother anyone else or be a liability.. no body ever wishes to talk to me or be my friend.. and I honestly can’t really blame them.. I suck, I can be very bad at times and all I do is cry and cry, but nothing ever changes, my father never cared, my brother and sisters are fully occupied with their own life, and sadly my mother doesn’t seem to get it, how many times have I said that I’ll kill myself she just reply’s I don’t have time for your issues and stop acting like a child and spreading negativity..
Well I always had issues, always. Ever since the day I was born I had issues, but I always smiled, I always cared for other people, I never shared my issues or showed anyone how week or fragile I am.. I always pretended to be ok and that I was living a happy life.. but I just can’t do that anymore, I cry so easily now and at work no body even cares... I go there and no body even tries to be my friend. They even yell at me that they had it with my mode swings, and that I should put my negativity else where because people just wanna work. And that’s ridiculous coming from them, considering how hard is I word and how much effort I put, but to them they always prefer the ones who take breaks and have chit chats, I told that they’re mean and don’t have ethics, now they stopped talking to me, but they didn’t fire me at least not yet.. if they don’t wish to be my friends, if my family don’t care? Then tell me.. give me a reason please, why should I live when I matter nothing to anyone... People will hardly know that I existed.. no body will care or cry, ok my family will cry but eventually they will move on with their life’s.. what reason will I have to stay to continue living this horrible life...
Bye
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self.SuicideWatch
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My mum saw my cuts for the first time yesterday It broke her heart a little. Also broke mine even more.
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self.depression
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Mania vs depression I enjoy being manic sometimes bc I’m never tired and I feel like I can get everything done, I love being full of life. Depression shuts me down completely; I’ve been depressed for so long that it now becomes apathy, which is worse. I have no energy and I sleep a huge part of the day and can literally not get up. Idc about ppl’s feeling or doing well at work or school.
When I’m manic, I feel almost normal. I’m 23, and sometimes when I’m manic, I kind of feel like myself again...until I start binge drinking and overspending😞 the crash from manic to depression is so disappointing. I can never pin point it.
Are there ways of tracking it? I don’t think there are certain triggers for me.
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self.bipolar
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Why choose to live? [spoiler] Hello. I’m recently new to this subreddit. I’ve commented here and there but mostly lurked. From what I’ve seen, people here are very friendly and genuinely want to help or give constructive criticism/thoughts etc.
I’d like to hear your all’s thoughts on why you choose to live. I used to want to live but I don’t anymore and am waiting until I’ve paid off some debt so my family won’t be burdened by it before I kill myself. My counsellor I see weekly says my thoughts are distorted and that how I feel is temporary. Temporary has been a long time. Before being diagnosed, I’d wait to when I felt super amazing but now I can’t even look forward to that knowing what i do now and the medication I’m on. She told me adding antidepressants to my antipsychotics would help me out. I’m sceptical.
I’ve been researching what supposedly makes life worth it and am interested to see what you all have to say. Thank you for reading this and thank you for your thoughts.
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self.bipolar
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I need help my brother hung himself 2 months ago due to his anxiety and depression and I have been unable to properly cope with it. Tonight my girlfriend of 4 years proceeded to berate me for being an alcoholic in front of her family and threatened to leave me.
Luckily I had family near by. I am sitting in their living room trying to sleep but I feel as though I'm following in the footsteps of my brother. I think I'm going to go down the road as to not upset the family I'm staying with and putting a gun in my mouth. I know it's a cowards way out but I'm a coward, and I come from a long line of cowards. I deserve this.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My brother was just diagnosed. Best way to help? My brother was admitted to a inpatient facility a week ago and he gets out soon. I've been visiting him and he seems a lot better. The medicine they have him on he said has already stopped intrusive thoughts. Overall its been a positive visit.
When hes out he might come stay with me awhile. He's taking a break from school and work to get things sorted with his meds. I'm the older sister.
Now, I know myself and I'm the type to accidentally try to solve problems instead of just listen and support. I'm working on that too and will not do that to him anymore.
But people of reddit what else could I possibly do to make things easier or just support in general? What do you wish your sister or family had done for you or understood?
I appreciate the insights!
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self.bipolar
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The little things I was on a crisis chat. The volunteer said something that made me realize the pointlessness of it all. I was gonna come here and write some frantic message about how nothing is working, but I'm calm now. I see now that killing myself is the only way out. I know it will be hard to do as I already got cold feet once, but its almost calming knowing that I don't have much time left. I have maybe %1 of hope, for some childish magical fix to everything, but I know that's as impractical as winning the lottery; I think that is what i'm on here for. Messing up a friends mental state was my other reason keeping me alive, but its so easy to overlook that now.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Advice for me, new life Hello,
I have decided to fight my anxiety, but I do not do anything in the meantime. I think I know why I have it. From time to time things have changed a lot, I made a lot of mistakes. I was two years at home and just played games, my parents left me home alone. Then I somehow got together and found a girlfriend on the internet who is with me today and I'm second year in high school and everything went really well except some things I wanted to change me .. self-realization etc. Reasons why this happened: I'm a little out, actually with my buddy even for the whole year, I'm just with my girlfriend really. I did it, I knew it all the time that it would not work well. I can do something about my life. Everyday I have ideas how to improve, but the more I've been angry, the more I've been coughing for life, I've been doing nothing for the past two months, maybe for a whole year. Nothing. Yesterday I was behind my doctor (just my doctor for..idk how to say, a normal doctor, not a psychologist or so), and there was a second doctor from my doctor, who only had practice there and just could not tell him much , he's not as good as my doctor. He gave me Neurol 0.25g and Zoloft 50g. I should take my neurology when it's really sick. A couple of years ago I went to a psychologist, but it was just my infancy, I just wanted to bark the grass and be home and my parents thought I had psychological problems and I had lots of pills and I lied to everyone that something was wrong. I was just stupid, my parents did not care too much because they had a lot of work, and I was often alone in my life, but the money was giving me a burglary, and I still had a lot of time and my life ran through my fingers. I know very well what to do with life, how to be better. But I did not do anything, and I'm very sorry, now I'm 22 and I can still do something.
My question is, should I take Zoloft? I have 56 drugs (1x per day). Meanwhile, find a psychologist or do not take it and wait for a psychologist? I'm afraid what then what's good and can be changed to other drugs? The more I write, the more I tell everyone about my life, I have every day so much in my head, so many thoughts, but I simply do not do anything. I'm really stupid .. I have to get up and be just good and start doing all the stuff.
I'm sorry, my English is not great. And thank you very much for reading. I appreciate it
EDIT: my anxiety is mainly due to the fact that I can not travel by
means of transport (bus etc.), and now I just want to go to the shopping center, but I can not just drive and I do not have a driving license yet. I'm afraid I will never be able to fly with my airliner. I've been flying six times in my life when I was 10.
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self.Anxiety
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Marrying my childhood sweetheart today! I feel grateful and content. Very very nervous. I am 26 and I met my fiance in high school 11 years ago. We have been through a lot together and have extreme degree of comfort with each other. We are from India and we are from different cultural backgrounds and language so it hasn't been the smoothest introduction for the families yet. Despite all the wedding confusion including an argument with my father who is showing signs of depression 2 days before and lots of confusion between the families who surprisingly are comfortable with a love marriage (India), I feel super grateful.
I feel grateful to have found a person who cares so deeply about me and most importantly I am happy that I found a person I can care so deeply for. Despite my paranoid brain constantly thinking about issues with my family, I'm focusing on what we did well to get so far together. I had expected that I would be over the top hyped up all day. I had expected my dad to be over the top hyped up for his son's wedding. But I guess that's how he is. But it rather has been fleeting moments of happiness and contentment followed by regular thoughts. I'm trying hard to make this day about us and focus on us as well but it's only in moments. I hope through the next two day Indian wedding, even if I can't focus on me, it's easier for me to focus on her. Thank you guys for reading. Just wanted to rant.
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self.offmychest
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Lonely new years I thought I was okay I thought it was all just episodes but fuck this too much. It's new years, I'm supposed to celebrate with friends but all fucking alone. My dad had to call just to make sure someone told me happy New Year's. I'd be able to at least stomach but I check Snapchat and see "people who made my 2017" posts and I'm not in a single fucking one. I feel so fucking useless I feel so awful fuck new years fuck it fuck it fuck it
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self.depression
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What does everyone here usually do in a day? (specifically, those not in school or working?) Failed first semester and about to fail second semester..The majority of my overwhelming anxiety stems from the thought of all that money going down the drain day by day, second by second as I hole up in my room petrified by the idea of leaving my room and heading to a campus full of studious students which I cant relate to. I'm considering taking a medical leave from school, but my biggest question is what I would even do with my time. What does everyone on this subreddit do to fill their day, especially when you're starting from rock bottom? I have no friends, and currently, my fixation on being alien to everyone else translates into seeking solitude in isolation..
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self.depression
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I Passed My Driving Test! I know these posts have been made hundreds of times but I feel so relieved and proud of myself to have finally passed and not let my anxiety fail me again. The 6 panic attacks and vomit this morning was worth it.
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self.Anxiety
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What if I told you that I wasn't ok? That whenever you asked how I was doing, I would lie and say that I was fine, Just so you wouldn't worry or answer your questions on why and what not. Because I'm not really ok, if anything I'm far from it. I don't remember that last time I was. Probably doesn't help that I don't know how to explain how I really feel, about anything. All I can really say is that right now it feels like I'm on a boat. The boat I'm on is out in the middle of the ocean, and it's sinking. Slowly, but it's sinking nonetheless. It has been for a while now. I've thought about letting go of it, and just relaxing in the cold water till I feel nothing, till I'm no longer. But I'm still here, hanging on, and I don't know why.
My mind has been my worst enemy. Every mistake I've made, stupid comment or remark that's been said, any embarrassing moment, anytime I've been scared. It all plays on repeat in my head like a shitty broken record. No matter what I do, unplug it, change the record, smash the stupid thing to pieces. It always goes back to that same song that nobody wants to listen to. Every interaction I have plays over and over, and I constantly think of what if. What if I didn't say what I did. What if I did this instead of that. Just what if. I always think of those things during an interaction, but I never truly do what I really want to. I freeze in fear of the others reaction. It's becoming crippling.
I've tried being happy. I would buy things to try and distract myself, and trick myself into being happy. It doesn't work very well, or at least last very long. For a while I would enjoy working on and modifying one of my cars, it's now at the point of becoming overwhelming. Not because of how much work is going into the car and what I want done to it, but because of the lack of control I feel I have on everything else. It's bad enough that the garage door opener in my other car isn't even programmed yet, and it only takes about a minute to do. It scares me that I'm having trouble completing such a stupid simple task, due to my inability to actually take the time to do such a thing. I just lay in my bed with my laptop all day, saying to myself that I'll get everything done, but I don't actually do anything.
I've told a couple of people about me having depression and anxiety, but never mention the suicidal thoughts. For the last 12 or so years I've lied about it. I have suicidal thoughts, but don't really want to die. I don't know how to describe it, other than that I just don't want to be here I guess. The thoughts don't go away. Thinking about slitting my throat, jerking the wheel at a high speed hoping of a deadly crash, taking all those pills, anything that would do it really. I feel useless, helpless. I don't tell anyone anything in fear of what they will say or what they will do. I don't like having people worry about me, like "oh my god he's going to kill himself, we have to help!" And then be treated like some sick animal. I don't want that. These thoughts aren't all the time though, they come in waves. Some waves are larger than others. Sometimes the water calm and at rest, easy to keep my boat afloat. Other times it's like a god damn tsunami.
I don't like being like this, it makes everything difficult. I don't get out much besides going to work, and occasionally grabbing food with some coworkers that have become friends over the years. There is so much I want to do and change, but don't know how or where to start. I want to start working out again, and feel physically better. I want to meet someone that I potentially have an actual relationship with. I want to finish my project car, move out and own a house. So much I want to do, but how? I'm lost, and want to find my way back.
It's bad that there is so much more that I could write, but would seem like too much to write. So I kept it short. Thanks for reading
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self.offmychest
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I wish I knew how to make you understand that you hurt me. How you did it and why it hurt me. I broke up with a long-term and long-distance boyfriend this summer. He no longer prioritized our relationship in the same way, and it was making me feel awful. He recognized that things had changed. He both seemed to think I was overreacting to them and didn't want to change his own behavior. We broke up, because I couldn't be happy continuing with how things were. We're currently not speaking at my request- the second time we've gone 'no contact' since the break up.
His birthday just passed and mine is coming up, and staying 'no contact' is really, really hard. I broke 'no contact' before because I just missed talking to him, joking about things only the two of us liked to talk about, and because he was dealing with some difficult personal stuff and I thought he might benefit from me being there for him as a friend. But even maintaining only fairly superficial contact, as a purely platonic friends, he still managed to hurt me again. Even with all the walls I put up, his action (or rather, inaction) just reinforced all of the terrible things I felt this summer. When I told him I needed to go 'no contact' again, he was shocked and upset. He didn't understand what he had done wrong, tried to justify it and minimize it. He only 'accepted' no contact because enough people told him that he couldn't argue with my feelings.
I just wish I knew how to explain it to him. How his actions made me feel insignificant and unimportant. How when he argued about how I felt, he made me feel like he thought I was overreacting again. As if I didn't deserve to be treated better than I felt he had treated me.
I miss him so much. Even just as a friend. It feels like someone I loved has died, but even worse, because he's only 'dead' because of the way he chose to act.
I wish I could make him understand. I wish I could find the words that would make it all 'click' for him. I keep trying, and I can't find them. It's so frustrating. I wish he just understood on his own. I wish I felt like he even tried to understand.
I feel like we could move forward, even just as friends, if I could. I want that. Probably more than I should.
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self.offmychest
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When I was 12 I tried to kill myself. I’m 15 now and I’m not doing any better, and I fear I’ll be forced to do something drastic soon. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I find this subreddit to be very supporting/helpful during my low times (also post about another thing if you'd like to read) So recently i've been having a lot of panic attacks, terrible anxiety (afraid to leave the house, afraid i'll get hurt, if i get on a bus it will crash) so I made another appointment with my pdoc even though I wasn't due to see him for another month. We spoke about this and he wasn't judging at all he didn't tell me what I was thinking was stupid, he just listened. He spoke of how my anxiety is quite severe and we went over my bullying in school. (6-7 years ago) the bullying was severe, beatings everyday. So he said that I was also suffering with PTSD. I was a bit perplexed by this. So he explained and I had a lot of the symptoms (Recently had a recurring nightmare about being in the school yard, the nightmare has happened before but this was everyday now) we also spoke about how noise triggers my panic attacks. Anyway before the terrible anxiety my moods were all over the place up and down and everywhere. So I spoke to him about that. But since then my mood has been very low and I haven't really done much other than sleep for more than 12+ hours a day and when i wake up I talk to family eat and look on this subreddit (I just haven't posted lately) and I know I can't go on everyones post that's of a positive nature and thank them for the their inspiration so i'd like to take the time now. Thank you all, i'm learning a lot from everyone, and when i don't see hope in this and that i'm doomed, I see someone doing really well and giving advice and others cheering them on. So I am very happy to be a part of this community (weird to say i'm happy with having an illness) but i'm happy that everyone is so encouraging to each other and it just makes me think that there isn't just assholes in the world (my family are my support system and are so great) but it's good to get encouragement even from strangers on reddit. So thank you.
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self.bipolar
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I have decided life isn't worth it anymore. I want to poison myself and go silently by the beach. I have posted here two times before and never went through with it. I know have found a way to go and I'm making preparations to kill myself. I have been insulted on so many levels. Peope like to deny mental illness as a reason dor my bizarre actions in the last coupme months. People just deny that I could ever feel that bad. People say things like everyone feels that way or we all have anxiety. No one understands.
Now people have gone to far. I walked into a conversation about my childs behavior. And people were more or less saying I was to blame. Now I may have mental illness but I have never let that effect my parenting. I keep a strong face infront of my child. I have also let them go visit with family on my bad days to keep them away from me when I feel panicky. I don't ever let it get in the way of me and them. And for someone to insinuate this has made me feel awful. It's like people believe that I am an all around bad person.
I can tell both my childs father and family believe I am a no good mother with bad intentions. There have been many times I have removed myself from certain situations to try and remedy arguments and on going problems between me and them. It's like people are keeping score on how many times I make mistakes. I'm over it.
My own family guilts and yells at me over simple things. I get the tough love type of help. It's not helping.
I just think it's time to leave. There is no need to be here and be constantly judged and talked about.
I used to be a happy somewhat carefree person. I loved going out with friends and trying different activites. I no longer feel that way. I sit in bed most days now and feel myself not liking myself as much as other people do.
I do not know what else to say.
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self.SuicideWatch
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What motivates/inspires you to become the best and try to improve everyday? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Finding a job when depressed is impossible. Finding new job I stressful by its nature for anybody. But when you depressed it gets million times harder. Fact of not haveing no job a specially if you have absolutely no savings is hard. Amounts of stress are incredible and thoughts spiralling arround head aren't marking it any easier. And there comes depression when doing anything seems like impossible amount of effort. So even if I make myself to apply and get to interview it is all for nothing. There is absolutely no one who would hire me I know I wouldn't. Everyone looks for someone happy, enthusiastic someone they will like to work with. There os no chance in the world they will like me I don't so why anyone would.
Another think is when I think how I lost mu previous job. I have been harassed and discriminated for long time. My manager was not being but hostile towards me to over a year. I know is not how everyone behaves but it makes me feel worse.
At this point I have no job and no perspective to get one. I have no job so I have no money and I mean 0 nothing. I can't pay bills, rent, buy food. I can't sleep my thoughts keep spinning arround everything. I keep thinking about killing myself. Not only because I'm depressed AF but I don't want to end up on street. I can't find anything to hold on to. I've been suicidal before hell I tried to kill myself but this time is bad it is really bad.
I lost all hope. I can't stand other people. I'm lost.
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self.bipolar
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Getting Frustrated With My Therapist I've been seeing her for about 2.5 months, and I feel like things have taken a turn for the worse lately. I just feel like she's really bad at steering the session when I don't know where to take things.
Like, the last therapist I had, our sessions did have the occasional silence, but it felt like we were having actual conversations. My current one seems to just expect me to go on rambling, and then she'll chime in to occasionally ask how I feel.
What kind of sent me over the edge was today's session. Ngl, I've been having a pretty bad week, and I explain all the shit and stuff to her throughout the session. It's pretty draining, and sometimes I don't know what to say. After I get everything out, it really feels like she hasn't pulling her weight this session. I have nothing else to say, so I wait for her to say something. Cue basically a minute and a half of silence, until she says, "you're pretty quiet today".
I kept it cool in the moment and tried to move things on from there, but I kinda wanted to explode. Like, listen up asshole, I don't blow too much money here on a weekly basis just to talk to an empty room for a hour, how bout you actually do your fucking job, and you know, counsel me? I know she can only go off of what I say, but I usually try my best to be thorough, and more often than not, her questions and contributions make it seem like she's doing the therapist equivalent of taking a test without doing the assigned reading
It's frustrating, cuz I feel like this wasn't a problem initially, it's only been like this the past few sessions. I don't really know what to do
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self.depression
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Have any of you have ever start feeling like if you suddenly fell while walking you could just.. stay there? Like just on the floor not getting up just laying there weather is on campus or the sidewalk or anywhere I just had this thought today
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self.depression
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Help me understand friend that doesn't want to get out of depression My best friend (who knows I have a massive crush on her, but that's another story) has recently told me about her depression and I just keep thinking constantly about it. I've known since we met that she wasn't happy most of the time, since we are comfortable telling each other everything, but this is so different. It seems that she has been depressed since elementary school and even then she didn't enjoy anything except trying to help other people (she didn't care for games, hobbies, didn't understand why kids seemed to be happy, etc). I've read some papers about depression in infants, so it might not be that strange.
What worries me most is that she doesn't seem to desire anything for herself, she just accepts that she sees no point in living and simply fakes happiness so no one notices. Instead of wanting to be happy or something similar, she'll tell me that if it didn't upset her family, she would have no problem in dying right now, followed by a smile and saying that it's okay. Things like this really hurt, but at the same time I've never felt like she feels. Even at my lowest moments when I'd spend almost the whole day in bed, I wished that I felt better and wanted to able to achieve some goals. At least it seems she's going to get treatment, but just so she can concentrate on her studies and make her family happy.
Does anybody here feel similar: being always neutral, not being interested in anything, feeling empty and at the same time accepting depression?
I guess I can't do anything except being there whenever she wants help. I even have conflicting thoughts about showing my emotions when I'm happy
or sad, just in case it drags her down in some way, although I know she would say that she doesn't want me to hide anything. I don't even feel "right" wanting her to be happy, since it seems it's something she doesn't want.
Even though every person is different, any perspective is welcome.
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self.depression
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Is it possible to deal with my girlfriend's lack of empathy Sometimes her behavior can frustrate the crap out of me. I am dealing with serious issues in my life and she can't even acknowledge them. I suffer from depression and the way she acts like that sometimes makes me even more upset...I don't see a point talking about something like that, people can't change, so I guess just have to man up and end it.
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self.depression
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Has anyone taken invega in pill form? My psychiatrist brought up the possibility of going on Invega. I'm hesitant bordering on total opposition (for reasons I can talk about). But it shocked me, and has shocked others I've talked to.
One of the reasons is that this drug is largely prescribed as depot injection. That's confirmed by people I know in the health sector.
But I wanted to check if anyone has been prescribed it in a pill form for bipolar disorder, if it helped for depressive symptoms, and if it was or wasn't sedating as hell (or have other side effects)?
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self.bipolar
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Any Happy Stories? Anyone out there who was suffering from depression but managed to change things around?
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self.depression
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Manic Leaning bipolar person seems Depressed leaning bipolar person Is this a thing! Is it just me or do I attract other bipolar folks who are just more depressed than me?
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self.bipolar
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Anxiety/fear Um, hi,
I'm not really sure what to do anymore.
I just get random anxiety (or fear?) leading to chest tightness and trouble with breathing, it used to be just once in a month or so but now its pretty much everyday for past 4 weeks, sometimes more times a day, getting a bit more painful. But what troubles me more is that I have no idea what the trigger is. It starts whenever it wants to...
I tried reaching out for someone on 7cups, to have someone to talk to hoping it would go away, but I wish I hadn't (he wrote something with sexual undertone that left me feeling way worse).
I just don't have anyone to talk to.
I don't know how to make it stop. That scares me even more...
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self.Anxiety
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Withdrawal symptoms without change in meds Hi all.
I'll keep this simple.
Diabetic. On metformin, insulin and Victoza.
BP. On prestiq, valproic acid and lamotagine.
Been having brain zaps and wooshy dizzy spells the last 48 hours.
No change in my meds.
The only change I can think of is a reduction in caffine intake. I usually drink 5-6 cups of coffee a day. Last couple days it's been lower. (2-4)
Anyone ever have this experience?
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self.bipolar
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I fucked up. Oh jeez, I fell for some dumb elaborate setup plan that leads to being blackmailed (or more like a cause and effect kind of deal). I don't know what to do. I had kept going with it, even though I had reasonable suspicions and enough evidence to disprove everything. But no, I have an issue with self control and that screwed me over this time. But who knows how long this will last or if it will ever resurface? And if it does I'll have to suck it up and face the consequences of my mistakes, but it could ruin my future and without that, what else?
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self.offmychest
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Im tired of this anxiety chest tightness, has lasted for 20 years. It feels like i have been picked up by a giant hand, impaled on a giant fishhook, and just left dangling, for most of my life, 44 now.
another way i describe it is ive just been impaled by a spear and hung on a spit(think cooking pigs in hawaii or something).
this hollow tight dull ache. sometimes its more felt on my front, and like this morning i feel it more in my back. it usually is on the left side, but does switch to the right side of my torso sometimes.
it can get into the shoulder and sometimes i feel it down to my wrists.
had all the checkups and ekgs and heart health seems ok. 20 freaking years of this. in the early days it would send me into panic attacks daily, but ive grown out of them knowing i wont die, or even thinking death would be a damn relief. so no panic attacks anymore, thank god because those were devastating.
my quality of life hurts so bad because of this stupid pain though. i rub the blue emu oil all over all the time and sometimes it masks it for a while.
drinking beers at night makes it go away completely, but i cant do that during the day, bad enough its made me an alcoholic which probably compounds it anyway.
fml i wish i could have a nerve clipped or something, i hate this.
just needed to vent.
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self.Anxiety
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Help I feel like I'm dysfunctional. I feel like I'm pathetic, a loser, a coward, and an idiot. Most of all, I feel helpless and hopeless. My mind is racing with these thoughts and I have no one to talk to. My therapist is out of town for the holidays, and I don't have friends or family I can confide in. I'm not suicidal (yet) but I can't calm down and get these fucking thoughts out of my head.
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self.depression
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I feel bad that my boyfriend has to deal with me I feel like as time goes on my depression just keeps getting worse and it's gotten to the point where my moods are just constantly cycling. I'll be okay but something small will make me depressed or anxious and he can always tell when I get upset. He always asks me what's wrong because he wants to help but I just feel bad dumping my problems on him. We spend a lot of time together so he's around for a lot of my instability and I really just feel bad for him. Sometimes I feel like I should break up with him because he deserves to be with someone normal and I feel like I keep trying to pick fights thinking that maybe he'll get tired of it and leave.
He has always been really good at dealing with my moods and has never made me feel bad but I just can't understand how he can deal with me when I have such a hard time dealing with myself. He doesn't really struggle with depression so I guess it's strange to me that my behavior doesn't ever annoy him because I feel like he doesn't really understand it.
Does anyone else feel like this? Or has anyone dated someone with depression and can shed some light on how he handles it so well?
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self.depression
|
I am strongly considering suicide again, and I need some advice I'm very afraid of telling my therapist because I most likely will be hospitalized. I've posted here before, and someone always says, "oh just tell your therapist, it's fine," but I don't think they are considering the consequences of that.
I am a student at a university, and if I put into inpatient, then I would either have to drop my classes or fail, which ended up costing more than 4k this semester. I would have to take a forced leave from my job. I do have insurance, but the cost of going to inpatient would be in the thousands. I just want some advice that will actually consider these things.
I know that sounds harsh, but I'm scared I'm going to impulsively attempt suicide again.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel like a bad person.. I always seem to attract a certain type of girl. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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In a hole I can’t get out of on my own Ok sorry for the click bait title but it’s the best I could come up with. My situation is this. I’m 33 and no job no love life and next to zero hope of things improving. Good things (if you can even call them that)2 years and 7 months sober my own place and I have found a woman that I like but next to zero chance of dating due to extreme anxiety. Diabetes is mostly under control with a continuous glucose meter and insulin pump. Bad things. No income,14 grand in the red. No job prospects and lonely as hell. Right now just sitting here smoking a few cigarettes before I hop in the shower and head for bed but a few belts are looking like an option for a way out. I am not sad or upset while typing this but I feel like my time has come and gone that I shouldn’t be here any longer. I am constantly tired and somehow my family has dumped driving my grandmother around on me. Dropped out of online college as I had no time for me. I grow weary of this pitiful existence and wish it no more. Would be nice to not wake up in the morning but we all know that’s not likely to happen. Not sure why I am writing this but I am out of resources to deal with this. I have so little left to give
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self.SuicideWatch
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Home for the holidays...and maybe a bit longer [vent] I'm living with my parents for a little while in between job contracts in cities thousands of miles away from here so that I can spend the holidays here. I got back to town on Monday and originally my plan was to leave mid-late January to head out again, but in the past couple of weeks my mental health has completely fallen off a cliff and I don't remember the last time I felt this low (I actually haven't felt this low since I was diagnosed a few years ago).
So now I'm spending Christmas Eve hiding from my family because I feel so bad that I feel like I'm completely unable to handle interacting with them, and I'm 95% sure I'm no longer going to take my next job contract because I need to stick around here and start therapy again. This totally fucks up everything I've been planning on doing for the past four months, but I don't think I have any other choice than to go back to therapy because I'm so messed-up again. I HATE that my mental health is such a huge deciding factor in what I do next with my life, but that's "just how it is" with bipolar disorder (and whatever else I have going on), isn't it?
So yeah, merry christmas? Anyone have any advice for how to get through the next day and a half when feeling this down?
Update: made it through Christmas, and I'm calling the local mental health care center today to schedule an intake appointment! Thank you guys who replied to me - it helps to know that I'm not alone :) I think there's a bipolar support group in the area that I didn't know about before, so I'm going to check that out, too.
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self.bipolar
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Fantastic profile of a musician living with severe depression. http://www.citypages.com/music/man-of-constant-sorrow-charlie-parrs-quiet-battle-to-stay-alive/442806393
This just really spoke to me, so I hope it speaks to some of you as well. It will never stop following us... all we can do is try to outrun it, I guess.
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self.bipolar
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I had sex with a black woman..... If you are a black woman, Do not read this.
After alot of soul searching, I've come to realize that I'm not depressed becaused I payed a woman for sex. I'm depressed because I payed a black woman for sex, Even though I'm black myself,I would've never done it if I knew she were black from the get go but she managed to catifish me somehow. When we finally met I was too sexually frustrated to resist and think in a clear manner. I literally promised myself that I would never intentionally have sex with black women because I considered them, for the most part, to be dirty and ghetto. I don't view all black woman that way though.
The black woman i had sex, although i found her attractive. She was a selfish and ghetto woman looking back at it; She rushed me to have sex;Told she was coming from the hood; Snatched my money and my water bottles as soon as she walked in ; physically grabbed and forced my erect penis into her; Demanded extra cash; insulted me multiple times prior to our meetup over txt and exploited my low self-esteem, youthful naieveity, and desperation; lied about her age and race. Also, I'm not really a materialistic person, I really wanted to have a meaningful bang my first but the frustation and pity built up too much and caused mee to go over the edge. I shared a special part of myself with someone who I simply did not resonate with, and I can't take that shit back.
I feel severely regretful, Because I had multiple chances to lose my v to many highschool chicks and sufficient funds to pay much more attractive and nicer escorts, yet I my lack of wisdom and stupidity caused me to make a terrible irreversible mistake.
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self.depression
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If you fake a smile they take you for granted [deleted]
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self.depression
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32 soon. No power anymore. I will end my life before the end of the year. Sorry for the long text.
I think I have narrowed down the cause of my depression. I'm simply a guy who is afraid of everything, who surpresses his feelings, and most importantly, I am still HELPLESS like a child in life. If I want something, I have no idea how to get it. I never did. I totally lack assertiveness, I am used to not getting what I want and I'm too scared to fight for the things I want. I am nothing but a coward deep inside. I have always been a coward. I basically have given up on life already, not because I have no dreams left, but because my failures of life have conditioned me so that I just feel that everything is impossible to achieve for me. I also severly lack control of my emotions. I often feel upset and angry at myself and even hate myself for not getting what I want out of life. It's passive aggression against myself. I probably developed that as a coping mechanism early on in my life, because I remember already hating myself from time to time when I was a little kid.
I am helpless, powerless, I feel uncomfortable inside my own skin. I'm a manlet (5'8/172cm) in a country where the average male is way bigger. I don't think I am very unattractive facially, but I surely can't be attractive, as I don't get many matches on tinder or other dating sites, and even if I do, nothing ever comes out of it.
I have tried for years to look the best I can by taking care of my skin, tanning, working out, eathing healthy, getting haircuts, shaping my beard etc.
Basically I fail at everything.
I will be 32 in 2 months, I never had a girlfriend. Almost all the times in my youth when I had the chance to get with a girl I managed to screw it up and ended up losing her. The only girls I could mybe get is girls that I don't want. I can somehow never have a mutual interest with a girl I like. I think I am inferior to other males and should just die.
I still look a bit younger than I am (25-27ish if I grow my beard), but even my youth is fading rapidly now.
I have been deeply depressed for at least 10 years, it has gotten worse though in the last couple of years.
I am also powerless to get a job. I am afraid of working or even applying and I just keep procrastinating life. I need to do a practical phase to get my engineering degree, but the truth is I dont even want to finish anymore. I used to, but now I think, what is the fucking point anyways? I have noone to share my life with anyway, I feel miserable every fucking day. I can't remember the last time I was genuinely happy. I feel like a robot.
I actually feel that death is my only hope. There is no joy left, constant misery, all my friends are having families and brides and I am not on their level. So contact has been lost mostly. 10 years ago I had so many friends, I went out every weekend, I went partying for years, I went on vacations with friends, I did a lot, but I never managed to get a girlfriend, despite having some chances back then.
I don't feel like a man, I still feel like a child, and despite my physical power I AM nothing but a child.
The only thing I do is go to the gym, but even that seems pointless. I get even more frustrated and depressed seeing attractive girls there, and I also feel ridiculous trying to build up this pathetic little body of mine.
I don't want this life, I am ashamed of myself. Unfortunately I am so fucking afraid of killing myself, but I will force myself to go through with it by taking a shitton of drugs.
I've been thinking about going on acid trips and doing all drugs I can get my hands on before I kill myself, but I'm not even sure what's the point of that.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Haven't found love and life just decided to kick me in the balls Growing up i have always been a hopeless romantic. All i wanted above all else was to fall in love and raise a family. I always had what my sister calls knight in shinning armor syndrome. Also huge nerd and not very outgoing so Aside from a few toxic relationships I never really was with anyone worth while.
Fast forward and now I'm 30 years old, single, and carrying for both my parents. My mom has cancer and my father has heart disease. Neither can work so its all on me. I love my parents very much and of course i will do everything i can to take care of them.
But it hurts knowing chances are most women wont want to be with a guy like me in my circumstance. I promised myself I wont allow myself to become bitter and do my best to help others through my job (social services) and in life in general.
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self.offmychest
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Loop Firrst time posting here. Hope this makes sense.
Do you ever get that maddening feeling of déjà-vu? Well I feel it pretty much constant. Every day is beginning to blur because every day is the same. I wake up and try to push away thoughts so I can focus on getting ready. If I'm lucky I might eat or shower. Then the fake smile for class comes on. Don't want to break the facade and have anyone worry about me. Then I come home, break down and crawl back into bed until the next day. The only escape is mind numbing activities like YouTube or games but even then the only truly happy feelings I have are when I think of just ending my existence. Of course I never do. I just go to sleep and do it all again the next day. I just don't know how much longer I can keep it up.
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self.depression
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Everyday is a mundane nightmare This seems like a place to vent.
I'm been depressed for a long time, probably five years with some depressive tendencies going back to childhood. I can name maybe three or four times I've been really happy in that time and every one of them was followed by a huge crash maybe a few days later at the latest. For years I ignored it.
About three years ago I finally understood I was depressed. I went to a new college and got tons of oppurtunities... and my life didn't change. I still get horrible, I had no friends, I hated being in public, I hated being alone and it felt actually painful. The only person I could talk to would constantly abandon me, and later went on to abuse me. After a few months things really crashed to that level and I felt absolutely crazy, obsessed with a girl I had managed to win over then canceled a date with when she showed some reluctance. I didn't bother her but started to think about her constantly like she was the only hope I could imagine in the darkness. I thought it was rock bottom, but I had no idea how much I would now love to go back there, how much fucking worse things have gotten.
The following year I started fighting the worsening depression with endless masturbation. Just drowning my brain in whatever chemicals it pumps out. Surrounded by groups of people who are all having fun while I'm picking up dinner alone? Go back to my room and masturbate. Miss class because I stayed up until 5AM thinking about suicide and crying? Masturbate for hours and skip he next class too. And on and on.
It became my primary means of filling my time, or mental stimulation, of making time pass, etc. I became addicted really early on but didn't even notice because I didn't think of stopping or slowing down (something I couldn't have done if I tried). The real problem emerged as I started looking at the most fucked up shit I could. I needed something mentally stimulating to replace friends, plans, and relationships, and something that I could still feel in the depression. So I started to look at porn that would sexualize my fears, inadequacy, depression, abuse, and pain. I looked at porn about cheating, which turned into porn about cuckolding, which turned into porn about lies about sex and women and straight up brainwashing, then into the most bizarre and extreme and racist stuff. I built up dozens of triggers and fucked up subjects I would trawl the web for, and my non existent willpower and lack of a life meant this was hours everyday filling my head with the most fucked up stuff and brainwashing myself and destroying my sexuality.
I tried to contact a sex therapist and talk to people on reddit, asking for help, how to undo what I did and get this incredibly hurtful stuff or of my head. I never want to be with someone who would sleep with someone else and I hate feeling inadequate or having my head messed with. But no one believed me, they thought I was out of touch with my sexuality. They wouldn't listen when I told them about how I was gaslit by someone who wanted me to let them sleep with other people. Or when I told them that it was hurting me and I didn't want it anymore. I wasn't consenting to whatever part of my brain was dragging me to fill some fetish for the feeling of my brain coming apart at the seems.
At this point I'm out of school and everything is in shambles. My grades were awful, I have no resume or connections, no friends. Let my body go completely and I hate it and my indequate genitals. Everyday is the same, completely pointless and just me trying to distract myself so that I don't lose control and masturbate to things that make me lose the will to live. It's usually just when I feel depressed which is unfortunately nearly every time I'm alone for more than a few moments.
I feel completely out of touch with the world, I am terrified of people. I feel like even if I found someone they would either abuse me, brainwash me into letting them fuck other people, or be taken away by someone better. It's such a bizarre problem, no one even wants to help me, just give me a lecture on sex positivity, I the talking about it because it just makes me feel even more hopeless, and my brain feels permenantly miswired and my body and mind completely inadequate. Every time I see an article about someone cheating or how monogamy is a lie I want to slit my wrists.And underneath all of that I'm still depressed and dealing with anxiety issues and no prospects so I'm really just fucked.
Suicide is this magic solution to all my problems and if the laws in my state were different I would probably have done it. Unfortunately I can barely think straight and pulling it off is too difficult for me when my mind is this shattered. I'm hoping that one day I can finally be free.
Thanks if you read this far and I hope you at least don't deal with this fucked up shit.
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self.depression
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Experience with maintenance eCT I've had 29 ECT treatments: 20 (6, 6, then 8) MWF during 3 sep. IP stays and then 9 more weekly "maintenance" treatments following the last acute set. We decided to continue these maintenance treatments because ECT seemed to lose its efficacy pretty quickly after it was discontinued.
It's been almost two weeks since my last treatment and I am seriously struggling again. Resuming the treatments again seems like the obvious next move but I have recently been troubled by some memory/cognitive issues. Certain logistical aspects make resuming treatments more difficult - namely I just started a new job and can't take time off on weekdays. My hospital only does outpatient ECT on Tue and Thurs. Also - I am an extremely hard stick and am terrified of IVs which make the experience very stressful. They give me Thorazine before my treatments to ease my anxiety. At some point they recommended that I get a PICC line placed for the treatments. Um, hell to the no... But maybe spacing out my treatments to every 2 weeks could be helpful :/
I'm curious what others' experiences have been with maintenance ECT. Was it worth continuing despite the side effects? How often were you getting them? How did you speak with your employer/manager about making schedule adjustments to accommodate your treatments?
TIA!
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self.bipolar
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I need help. Please I am bad on every level. Im overweight, im ugly, im. Not that smart and i can't even look at people without being upset. I need something, anything because i don't feel like i want to live Anymore but i am Am scared of Leaving. I need a sign that my life is gonna improve. It feels like a downward spiral.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Something that helps me Humans are social creatures. We have evolved and thrived because of social bonds. But this is where social anxiety/depression/loneliness derive from. It is easy to feel threatened (anxious) when we feel lonely, or feel like we made a social blunder. It helps me to remember that I can survive without close friends or family. Basically it helps me to take an anthropological perspective of anxiety and depression.
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self.depression
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Darkness. So much darkness. TW: Suicide, Sexual Assault, and Self-Harm
I'm in so much pain. I've been in so much pain. I don't understand how. I don't understand why. Oh how I wish I could go back to myself 10 months ago and stop this from ever escalating and turning into an issue. I can't live with myself. I weep for my brain. I weep for the person I once was. This past year has been a fucking nightmare and I don't know if I'll ever heal from it. This is what I get for trying to be someone I'm not. I hate to include her in this but the truth is she's been such a huge facilitator and/or reason behind this terrifying year that I can't fathom how much she hurt me and caused me to hurt myself. It's just amazing how one person can screw you up psychologically. I started dating her around early September 2016, and from as early as a week in something didn't feel right. So I break up with her for the first time, and she makes a huge deal on how I'm the only one meant for her and she tells me of how her dad hurts her and I don't know what. I feel bad for her so I stay. Throughout it all, I deal with hard anxiety & depressive thoughts. Things only get worse in February. In one of the worst heat of my anxiety attacks, I needed help and I needed it now, so I ask for the help of my friend (All of this is happening while my ex is aware of it all, she knows that I'm going through so much pain and she knows that this relationship was the direct cause of it all). My friend comes over and she tells me that I need a break from the relationship. To which I respond obviously with "I couldn't possibly do that, I can't take a break from it." I slightly pitch it to my girlfriend and she makes a big deal saying how it was selfish of me to do such a thing and that it's negatively affecting her to such a degree so my friend leaves, and I just go back to my room. After about half an hour, things start intensifying in my head and I need help. So I go online to whatever chat form I could find help in and that's when I found the 'help' of someone, desperate for help and not thinking clearly, I ask for his help and he picks me up and takes me to his apartment. After I spill everything to this 47-year-old stranger, he starts insisting that he sees my dick...I tell him no. He keeps insisting. I tell him no again. He keeps insisting. I tell him to stop and that I have a girlfriend. He tells me oh so it's okay for me to see your dick online but not in person? I don't know what he meant by that. I tell him dude what? what are you saying? He tells me to show him my dick. I tell him no again. He says it again. I'm scared at this point. I comply. He starts touching it and I panic. My mind shuts down. My body shuts down. I don't know what is right or what is wrong. I just want it all to be over. He takes me to his bedroom. Then he begins to put his lips on it. I tell him no. He tells me to relax and I'm scared at this point. I ejaculate and then he just looks at me with such a disgusting look like I've conquered you. He drops me back home. I go to sleep and try to forget it.
The next day, I wake up all anxious and I tell my girlfriend of the situation. She tells me what? And I begin to tell her the details. For starters, she starts policing me on how it wasn't rape but rather sexual assault since I was the one that voluntarily went to his car. I told her I went for help, not to be assaulted. So I keep going on with this relationship. What kept me together after the traumatic incident was that I didn't cheat on her. That's what kept me sane. I was in such a state of turmoil, lack of self-worth, and just overall disgustingness that the only thing I could think of, of such an event wasn't that I was violated, but rather that I didn't cheat on her and that's okay I guess.
The anxiety comes back to bite on March 2017, and I break up with her on the day when it returned after consulting with a friend and his mother. I didn't block all contact with her. That was a mistake. She blows up my phone with crying videos of her on snapchat and god knows what else. I go back to her over and over again every time I try to leave, she'd find a new mind game to play with and she'd catch me back in her arms. I go back to her again, time after time. I can't believe I was so dumb. I go back to her for the final time around June 2017 and we're together for 4 months. I was planning on killing myself on New Years so that I could finally find an escape from this relationship but I get a university offer from one of the world's top universities and that sustains me. I know what I have to do now. I need to break up with her.
Meanwhile all of this I attempt suicide twice, 2 days after each other and I begin to self-harm. I still have the cuts to show it. Humans are so fragile, yet we believe that we are not. I never thought that it would get this bad but it did, and all because of one girl and my lack of backbone. I tell my friend about it. She just calls me stupid. She's the same friend who when I told her that I relapsed into self-harm, she told me to think about my girlfriend and that I don't care about her because I self-harmed even though she's the reason ? I don't get it.
I couldn't get myself to break up with her so I just postpone, postpone, postpone until guess what? I start to develop PTSD when I think about the rape incident. All the while, when I first started getting triggered, I tried to find ways to seek out justice on my part. I go to a lawyer, and she tells me that there's not much I could do about it since it wasn't penetrative rape, and that the process would be very dehumanizing on my part and since I live in a homophobic country, any cases of homosexuality, even rape, would mean that both parties get the punishment. But she'll pass the information to the investigative department. She does. Nothing happens for 3 weeks. I lose hope. All the while, my brain is being fried up and I can't do much. I go to therapy, that doesn't work. I try everything that doesn't work. I decide to take a break from everything for a day while I'm still with my girlfriend. I tell her I'm taking a break for a day. She tells me that I shouldn't do that because I emotionally abused her time and time again by breaking up with her and that what I was doing was selfish. I ignore. She takes 5 of the most powerful pills in the world in the same night. She tells me the next day that she might have an ulcer. I send her flowers. The day after that she tells me that I don't love her because I'm still ignoring her (EVEN THOUGH MY BRAIN FEELS LIKE ITS FALLING AND ITS BREAKING APART AND I CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT EVEN TO THIS DAY). I break up with her.
I break up with her and she still keeps in contact. Her friends start harassing me telling me to grow up and that I'm a monster and I should take responsibility for my actions and I broke her heart and whatever. I finally feel semi-normal. Until my ptsd flares up and keeps flaring up over and over again. I start to analyze everything and now I feel so disgusting, just wondering why I went to that guy when in hindsight, I knew I shouldn't have. I should've stayed at home and just endured the anxiety attacks. I tried to find justice for the assault but I can't. I started talking to my assaulter as a 14 year old boy, and there's some nasty chat logs of him talking to this persona I created of a 14-year-old boy, introducing him to masturbation, jerking-off, calling him sexy, inciting him to have a 3-some with him and the 14-year-old-boy's friend (my other persona). I did everything in my power to seek justice but there's nothing I can do. I didn't know he was like this, I just needed help for my relationship issues. Why the fuck are people out there like this? I keep getting triggered and I weep for the losses my brain has endured, like mental stability. I weep for the losses I have lost, my confidence, my innocence. I weep for what I could have achieved had I not lost these components and I weep for the children in my position and in far worse situations. I don't know if I could do this anymore. I don't know if I can. My parents don't know anything about all of this. Only my sister knows and she's supportive and I'm grateful for her. My older brother, I've tried to tell him about it but all he's done is call me a liar and say that I don't have PTSD, and that I'm just a liar. I wish I was lying. I wish I wasn't assaulted. I wish I was making all this up. But the truth is, my head hurts and I can never be who I wanted to be, not in the same way at least. I know I can do this, but the question is why this suffering? Why me? Why all this pain? I'm a good person. I've done nothing but good. All the assholes in my class group have never experienced something like this yet I was always the one who was respectful to everyone or at least tried to be. Why did that come back to bite me in the ass?
My friend went through something similar in terms of the sexual assault, and yet he's perfectly okay. I asked him how? He told me to just move on. Accept it. Move on. I don't know how he can do it so easily. I feel bad every time I break up the situation to him but it pains me. It hurts me. It's revolting me. Every time I think of how I'm the one who's suffering while that asshole isn't just makes me want to kill him. I've found it in my heart to forgive him for what's he done to me, yesterday and I thought I was doing good today in terms of moving on and letting go but I left the house and that's when shit hit the fan. I thought of all the people around me who probably had never experienced something like this and I envy them so much. The worst part about it is that there was so much I could've done. I could've fought back. I could've left the guy's apartment. I don't know why I just stayed and submitted. There is an element of choice. I chose to be assaulted. I chose to go to him. I chose to fuck myself over. Maybe I deserved all of this. I chose to self-harm. I chose to fuck up my arm. I chose to hurt. My friend thinks this is life's way of telling me to toughen up but I don't see how others have it so much easier than other people. I wish I just stayed at home. I could've dealt with all the pain instead of this frothing up and killing me slowly. Maybe I deserve to die. Maybe I don't. The feelings that it would incite in my family is more than enough for me to not but it's so hard. Every day is so hard. Every day is so hard. It's like I'm constantly fighting this battle and that one day when I'm 40, I'm going to snap and just do it. I've had problems when it came to the world and all, they were so much easier to deal with than when it came to having problems on the inside. I wish I was never assaulted. I could deal with it all except for that. I wish it never happened. I want to feel normal again. I want to have a normal brain again. I want to go back in time and just sit at home and tell him to go fuck himself but I know that if I did go back in time, I'd still go back to him and I'd still fuck myself over because I needed help. Why does life feel like torment?
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self.SuicideWatch
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If it wasn't for alcohol, cigarettes and sugar I'd be long dead Just let me leave it here. I can imagine that is the case for many of us.
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self.depression
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Waiting on Death's swift wings I'm a 28 year old male, 5'8", Hispanic, grew up in an average household. I've grown up feeling inferior my whole life. I struggled building relationships. I feel like I'm just occupying space. No fulfilling purpose whatsoever. From an outsider's perspective, I've got a really good job, what some would consider to have a bright future. I've never felt more empty over the years. The only time I didn't feel that way was when I was in a relationship for a short period of time. Met a girl through an online dating site. She was amazing. Had the most amazing green eyes I had ever gazed into. I adored her. Before meeting her, it was my intention to buy a house this year. I volunteered to work a lot of overtime this year and this relationship was unexpected. However, her and I were determined to make it work. A few months into it, she ghosted me. I've never been ghosted and it's probably the most hurtful thing I've ever experienced. I had pretty much accepted that no one really wants me around or wants to understand me. I'm back to feeling like a shadow. Fear, anxiety, and depression now rule my world. I've sought out a therapist this summer because the desire to off myself had never been so fierce. Idk if it's even helping. Now that we're at the holiday season, I've grown to envy and hate everyone thats in a relationship, getting married, starting families. I shouldn't hate on other people's happiness, but finding love and having a family is something I've wanted more than anything. But this terrible cycle of dating that I've gone through. Never being good enough, handsome enough, "their type", what ever the case. Idk... I'm tired... I just don't want to wake up anymore. When I sleep, I don't dream, there's just this utter blackness, this nothingness, you just cease to exist. That blackness... I want to become part of it. To be nothing, because that's what I am in real life. Nothing.
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self.depression
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I don't know. I don't know. I never had anyone, everyone left and it was not my fault apparently. But I know it is. I'm not good. But now, someone is hurt because of me. So badly hurt. And I cut them to their core without even trying, I tried to be nice but I'm not. I'm just not a good person at my core. That's all.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Has anyone ever felt like you're stuck in a perpetual loop? Starts out with a period of time with bad depression/anxiety. Then you wake up one day and tell yourself you're sick of everything, all the misery and the uncomfortable skin you're constantly wearing. So you tell yourself things have got to change. Things have got to get better or else you're going to end up alone for the rest of your life. You start up a list self improved maintenance, promise yourself you're going to start exercising, reading, and eating better. At some point in the future you're going to go back to school so you can get a job that you actually like instead of working at a place you KNOW is a dead end...
...a week or less goes by and you completely forget you went through this whole self improvement meltdown. You're back at square one. Waking up and auto piloting throughout the day. You don't think...you just go. The depression sinks back in and you don't even remember telling yourself everything you needed to work on to improve....for another 2-3 months...
Then it clicks back in your thoughts...the change you promised yourself...
Perpetual loop...
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self.Anxiety
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Going about figuring out if I'm mentally ill? I wanna take a professional test to see if I may have a mental illness but I have no idea where to start with that! Who do I go to what do I do....I don't want medication or anything I just want to know. I'm 19, this may be a dumb question like I'm sure it's just a psychiatrist but I wanna take a test for my own knowledge if that makes sense. I just feel like there's something more than depression going on
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self.depression
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Self-loathing due to my appearance I have been feeling very depressed lately so Ill give the details. I am male in his early twenties who has never been on a date and I am the opposite of photogenic. Met this girl online many months ago and after a while we started talking more on social media. We both sent pics of each other and later video chatted numerous times. After those months we both found we are interested in each other. Now she wants to meet me irl since we live in the same city. She thinks I am attractive physically however I think i am hideous. The pictures she liked of me were filtered and I dont look like that person in real life. I used the filters because of how much I cant stand how i really look. I also used them because she was using them to, except she also sends pics without them and shes beautiful. Even though we have video chatted, that is not even an accurate representation of me either. This is because the image in video chats is my mirror image and is flipped from how I really look. My face is horribly asymmetrical and I have lines making me look fired on my face and under my eyes, both things that the filters removed. I like this girl a lot but shes completely out of my league. She likes me a lot after these months and I feel the same way but i almost wish I never sent her pictures of me because of how much of a let down I am in actuality. Now I have been depressed lying in bed doing nothing most of my days because after being lonely all my life, I finally attracted someone who probably wouldnt even look my way if we met face to face. I really wish I looked different every day and its making me sick.
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self.depression
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Anyone gotten long term vision effects from Venlafaxine? I noticed during my time on it that I'd have a harder time focusing my vision on moving objects, mostly when I was gaming.
Now after about 2-3 months off it the effect seems to remain, anyone have experience with this and hopefully the disappearance of such issues?
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self.Anxiety
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I don't know what she wants and I'm so confused I've had a crush on her for two and a half years. Last June I asked her out and she said no because she wanted "a light summer with just some girls." Then yesterday, she's getting a group together to go downtown for lunch and she walks past 20 other people and specifically asks *me* if I want to come with and wait what? *What the fuck?* My legs were fucking shaking, I always get like that around her even though I've never been that nervous before. I probably sounded too excited when I said yeah but what the hell. I'm so confused now because we weren't really "friends" until she rejected me so it wouldn't really make sense to just want to be friends, but why would she change her mind? I mean, nothing changed over the summer? I just don't understand, and I want to ask again or maybe just see what she's thinking, but I don't have the confidence so I don't know what to do. I was planning on waiting a year and then asking her out again (yes I know I plan things out too much but that just felt like a reasonable amount of time to not seem desperate), but on the other hand next year we'll both be in college so I don't want to wait to try.
I'm sorry for the big block of unedited text but I really hope someone reads this and gives advice or just understanding. Also I'm only using a throwaway because if my friends saw this I would be embarrassed. I needed to tell someone about this because I'm really emotionally confused, and I'm not used to feeling so powerless. Thanks if you read this.
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self.offmychest
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Not excited about turning 21. So my birthday is in Nov 25. I'll be 21 and honestly I don't see what's so great? People this age typically get excited because they get to "drink" and go to "clubs" but I do none of the above so to me it's just like any other day. I do, however, feel depressed. I feel like I'm getting older and I haven't accomplished anything in life. Still not in college (no clue what degree) no friends, unattractive, and just the same routine everyday (Work, go home, sleep, work) and I'm just sick and tired of this cycle. I feel trapped in a hole. No escape....
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self.depression
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I can't sleep and I am starting to think about my ex. I am so fucking annoyed, it's been months since we talked. He was abusive and I know to not talk to him. Please tell me some ways to calm down and get busy right now?
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self.depression
|
i’m going to attempt to overdose myself tonight. i’m gonna get really high and just slit my wrists and then i’m gonna take all of my sleep prescription. no one cares about me. all i ever feel is empty. goodbye to anyone who reads this
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self.SuicideWatch
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Lamictal/Lamotrigine My doctor started me out on a dose of 200mg a day, divided into two XR tablets. I'm thinking of starting at just one tablet a day because 200 seems excessive. I just stopped taking Seroquel/Quetiapine at 150mg because it made it really hard to breathe. Any thoughts?
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self.bipolar
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Can sugar cause bipolar disorder ? Sugar causes free radicals thus the Cytokines response of quinolinic acid to combat it.
I just read quinolinic acid has a similar affect on the brain as glutamate which is involved in bipolar
And suicidal patients in Sweden had their quinolinic acid levels tested and the higher the levels the stronger the suicidal impulses.
So via this mechanism could a high sugar diet lead to bipolar disorder via the immune response in someone who was succeptable as I have bipolar and i am addicted to sugar.
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self.bipolar
|
I had a little petty moment last night and feel better for it I am typically a mature person, the type of person who takes the high road. But I recently was seriously fucked over by a guy. He had given me chlamydia but I was forgiving and we got treated, continued dating and seeing each other. We had amazing happy times together (before and after finding out about the chlamydia) and all was great. This was after I had gotten out of an emotionally taxing 6 year relationship.
I finally felt true happiness with him. One day out of the blue he tells me an old ex reached out to him snd he was choosing her, "the one who got away", over me. I understood his decision, we hadn't dated for that long even though the short time was amazing. I wasn't mad *at* him, I was mad at the situation in general. In hind sight I let him off pretty easy about the whole thing, esp considering the chlamydia. But I still cared about him. I held on hope for about a month and I was actually really really torn up about it and every day I would have a bad bout of sadness about it. I kind of was hoping they'd realize after 3 years they didn't work and he'd come back to me, but that didn't happen. I reached out to give my well wishes to him and said he was a great guy and I hope all went well for him.
Last night I was alone thinking about him and said to myself "he was a great guy but the whole situation was still really shitty. I'm the one who got my heart broken and he ends up with his happily ever after. That's great for him but I want him to know how much I've been hurting and I kind of want to burn the bridge for good." So, I had a petty moment. For once I didn't take the high road. I decided to burn the bridge so neither of us would be tempted in the future, in case situations ever changed. So I texted him to pretty much say fuck you, you hurt me and I want you to know about it, what you did to me was really shitty and you should have some guilt about it. Fuck you fuck you fuck you. Peace out
I feel better today ! Bridge is burned, no more contact will ever be had, doorway in my heart is closed.
I don't have these petty moments often but I thought about this one long and hard and I wanted him to know how I felt. I didn't want him to get off scot free after breaking my heart. Did it affect him at all? Maybe not, but it helped me and I needed to make that selfish choice for myself, which I rarely do. After all, he made a selfish choice that hurt me badly. I needed to get it off my chest
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self.offmychest
|
Covering up depression with humor And people wonder why my humor can turn so dark so fast. Why can't I stop accidentally hinting to people about how sad my life really is??
Wish I could die.
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self.depression
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I'm Bipolar 1 and I Think I Have Situational Depression Please Help Hi. Five years ago I was diagnosed with Bipolar 1 disorder having been manic/delusional before and having stayed in hospital many times before.
Currently I'm on a very effective injection medication and have been able to get off lithium and the other pills I was taking now just being on this injection.
It's been a little over a year since I've had to stay in hospital and that's huge for me. But recently due to my situation I think I'm experiencing Situational Depression.
Starting last June I've been feeling sad about not having many friends and was going out of my way to do activities and join a group to make friends to no avail.
Two months ago I was really depressed having lost a friendship and feeling discouraged from thinking I made a friend then not actually and having to leave that church group.
Any ways. For a month and a half I've pushed these feelings down and thought I was over it but now I get flashes of being really depressed. I thought they were just panic attacks but I think there's more to it.
So sometimes I feel numb then other times for a bout of one to two hours I feel really depressed and get a bad headache/migraine.
I'm currently in a situation where I've been trying to help a friend get diagnosed for borderline personality disorder and I've been very emotional dealing with their negative mood swings. I'm also dealing with really stressful final projects.
I know I should go see my therapist but I don't know how to talk to them about the stuff thats been bothering me.
I have a psychiatrist appointment december 1st but I dont know what to say to them. I don't want to risk going on antidepressants because it could make me manic and other than recently I feel like this injection is the best thing I can be on.
Has anyone else with bipolar dealt with situational depression?
Is it my bipolar that is acting up do you think or can I legitimately say they're two different things?
In your opinion what should I do? What can I say to my Psychiatrist?
Thanks for people's feedback.
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self.bipolar
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How Can I Learn to Accept Never Having a Girlfriend? I'm not sure what to do anymore to cope with this. I recently turned 26 and I've never had a girlfriend let alone been intimate with someone. Furthest I've gotten is a hug. Everything else is going okay in my life so it's not like I would ever do something stupid but it's really hard for me to get through days when I see it around me.
I went out with a few friends for dinner and everyone always brings up their relationships and their encounters and they all joke about it (not about me) and they are always laughing and happy and shit, meanwhile I'm over here wondering if I will ever go on a date. My family doesn't help either, they remind me even though I have mentioned it is a sore subject but sometimes they insist on bringing it up.
It just makes me so upset and I don't want to think about it anymore but it's impossible for me not to think about it because it's the one thing I severely lack. I mean it's natural, we all want to have a companion, someone to hang out with, someone to get intimate with and I just can't take it anymore.
I've tried it all and I hate when people say don't actively look for it because it will find you...well there have been periods like that and I can tell you it doesn't work like that.
I know others deal with this situation but I just want it to end. It's just ruining me and if I can just have this one thing happen for me, I can move on, maybe feel more confident and have a more positive outlook.
Please help if you can in any way, I really need it because around the holidays is really rough for a lonely guy like me.
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self.depression
|
Ghosting Saw this post on /r/relationships about a friend ghosting a close friend and recently reappearing back in their life.
Have personally ghosted everyone last year and only recently trying to resurface. Literally deleted all my social media accounts and whatsapp. Phone became pretty much useless for a long time, only messages I received were notifications from my service provider to pay my bills on time.
I've been trying to resurface and reconnect, but reading the perspective from the other side is making me doubt everything haha. My close friend group has actually moved on without me. They're doing well. New inside jokes, new memes, new experiences. On one hand I feel relief that my selfish actions haven't really caused much damage, but on the other, I feel worthless?
Does anyone have any experience trying to reconnect with their loved ones after disappearing off the face of the earth?
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self.depression
|
My past is catching up and I do not know what to do (very long post) I have been lurking quite a while and finally found the courage to make this post.
I am 23yrs old, f, live alone, LDR, work in retail, feeling depressed for over 13yrs now but trying to ignore it as much as I possibly can.
The only thing that is good in my life is my LDR. It's rough sometimes because of the distance. He is the only person I really talk to in my life.
My Mum died when I was 5, my Dad changed after that and never treated us (I have a younger sister and an older brother, lost contact to both of them cuz they got lost in drugs) well. Basically had no childhood and was too young to understand everything that was going on which led to depressions.
I am anxious when I go outside, atm I only go outside when I have to go to work or to buy food (since I work in retail, I usually buy food after my shift ended, so I only really go outside to my work). I am also anxious around people, especially strangers.
In school, I was mostly alone. I had 1 "friend". She tried to talk to me and was nice, but she was mostly with others because they would treat her in a weird way after talking to me. I told her back then that she doesn't have to do this, and I would understand it if she stopped talking to me because of the others because it would make things easier for her. She said she likes me and that I am an interesting person. After that, she kinda ditched the others and only stayed with me during school breaks. We would not talk a lot, she was just kinda there. She was a very kind person, she was like an angel to me. It stayed like this for about 6 months, when she died in a car crash (we were 17 back then).
My school did a very awkward approach towards her death, forcing the entire class to go to her funeral in a group and visiting her grave once a week together. I wish I could have gone alone because I knew she wasn't really popular in class as well because of me.
I asked my teacher if I could just not visit her grave in a group, but rather alone. The teacher told me I am disrespectful.
My class used to have 14 students, after her death we were 13. Which always left me alone. We used to do a lot of work in groups of 2, so I was always the 3rd wheel in a group.
We got a new student then, she sat next to me in class and tried talking to me because she was new and had nobody to talk to. She was nice. I wouldn't say we were friends, but she did not really care about the others and kept talking to me.
Before a P.E. class when everyone was changing, my teacher came into our changing room (she was a female teacher) and said to get ready and that we were doing workouts in groups of 2. The new student looked at me, which was a sign that she wanted to be in a group with me. Then the other girls of our class started laughing and said "u are new, you should not group up with her. we are sorry for you that you are kinda left with her. she is weird, you should not talk to her". I started crying, immediately went to the principal's office, told him I did not feel well and left. And I did not return.
I went to search a psychiatrist to look for help. I stayed at home the following 1 1/2 years. The teachers sent me the stuff we did in school via mail, so I was able to follow the class and only went to school to do the exams.
I finished the final exams with the best results of the year because I studied a lot at home.
I messaged the new student on Facebook, telling her I am sorry and the others were probably right and I hope the others will accept her even after what happened. She saw my message, but never replied.
About a week ago, I reveiced a message from her on Facebook. And I do not know what to do.
She told me that she did not reply to my message because around the same time I stopped going to school, a phone of one of our classmates was stolen - and people said I stole the phone and then did not come to school anymore because I was embarrassed. Almost everyone of the school thought I stole the phone and then just left. The new student is still friends with someone of our class and just recently this friend told her that I did not steal the phone, but it was just a bad prank because they were having fun bullying me.
She apologized and said she would have kept contacting me if she knew it wasn't me and she just thought bad about me.
It took me several years to forget about my bad time at school, but now it catches up again. I keep crying because of it and I do not know what to do. I did not reply to her yet.
Thanks for reading.
P.s. I am still on antidepressants up to this day, trying to ignore my depression because every psychiatrist I went to so far could not really help me. I try to ignore and forget every bad feeling, but I feel like my world slowly breaks and I am too weak to carry all this burden.
P.p.s. English is not my first language.
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self.depression
|
You won't ever love me like you loved her I know I'm really good at jumping to conclusions, but I think this is clear. You won't ever love me as much as you loved her. As you've told me, she was the love of your life. Meanwhile we've been together for 6 months and you've never even said the word "love" in regards to me. I asked you why you haven't said it yet and you said it takes you a while to feel comfortable with it. But recently I found out that you only dated her for 2 months. You went on a drive past her house a few months back and told me about that, you said that you loved her once but you'd never get back together if given the chance. I have a big heart and I love deeply, I really want to show you that but I just can't. I can't handle that sinking feeling I get when I tell you I love you and you don't reply. I try my best but I can't just make you love me.
God that feels good to say
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self.offmychest
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Sometimes I want to be petty. I'll admit it, sometimes I think about unblocking you from every social media platform just so that you can see how happy I am now. There is a part of me that wants you to know, to see how well I'm doing. I want you to realize how badly you messed up and feel like shit for it.
But in a way, unblocking you is like re-inviting you back into my life. It's asking for the harassment to start up again. It's giving you a chance to try to worm your way back into my good graces. But you know what? I am happier now. While your relationship falls apart, while you wish I was there to pick up the pieces, instead I'm moving on. Do you know how many days used to pass when I wouldn't think of you even once? None. But now sometimes I find myself forgetting that you even exist. I'm still angry, but only when I start to think about it.
I guess at the end of the day even if you don't know how happy I am now, I do. I know that I'm better off. I know that I've won; that I have better friends, a better life, and a better guy IN my life. In a way, you abandoning me was a blessing in disguise. And even if I refuse to throw it in your face, I hope you know that. Somewhere deep down, I hope you fucking know that.
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self.offmychest
|
How can I stop with this constant paranoia so I can just go to sleep [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
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