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No matter what I have or what I do, I end up in a pool of defeat & sadness. I didn’t have a job and I was depressed.
I got a job and after 5 months I’m now sliding back into depression.
While jobless I exercised to not feel depressed but it didn’t really work. Now I have a job and I can’t exercise because it’s a physically demanding 11h shift in the kitchen.
I don’t know what I need to feel better and I don’t know if I remember what bring happy feels like. Par for the course around here?
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self.depression
|
Why did I google that? I just spent the last drunken hour searching bipolar brains and now am totally freaked that my brain will always be fucked. I’m currently a college student and the thought that my bipolar could possibly be causing grey matter loss is fucking with me.
Guess I’ll just drink more scotch.
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self.bipolar
|
First day of CBT and want to give up already I just can't be bothered with it.... The homework will be too much effort for me to do even though it's just writing some things down. I don't think I want to get better. Looks like I'm going to be a failure for the rest of my life and waste my life away at home..
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self.depression
|
How to cope with night loneliness So before sleep i usually feel alone and just generally like shit so i cuddle with a pillow and it normally works, but it has stopped working and now i can't sleep. What can i do?
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self.depression
|
I want to die and I've driven off anyone who would I could actually talk about it with. I'm not okay, I'm never going to be okay, and I just dig up random people from my past to dump shit on and then eventually they get tired of it and stop talking to me because why would anyone want to deal with someone who's whole identity is depression. I should take some time tomorrow when I'm sober and actually write a good note. More of an apology for being a garbage person. There's still a couple people who will be sad after, but, that's probably not going to change, at least not soon enough, their fault for putting up with me at this point. I've done nothing but hurt the people who have been a part of my life. I've done most of the things I actually want to in life, which is more than a lot of people can say, but things have just been steadily downhill for a long time, no reason to prolong things anymore. I deserve to die, or maybe I deserve to live with the shitty things I've done and I'm taking the easy way out, or maybe the part of my brain that thinks that was the part that makes me pussy out.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I feel stuck, I need advice. Hey guys, I'm a 20 male who has been going through dark times since beginning of this year. I've been depressed to the point where I developed chronic migraines and prostatitis. I bite the pillow every day (literally, not making a sexual reference) to get through the mental pain. I try to go out every day but it sucks, so much.
The reason for why I came on this subreddit is because of one factor in my struggle, and that is feeling utterly lonely. I live in a foreign place, with no friends, with no one who can speak english, and all I have is family. It's been this way since the beginning of the year.
My father doesn't seem to understand what I am going through, I seriously doubt that he ever went through what I am going through right now. He comes into my room every now and then, and tells me: "Stop looking so sad, you are hurting everyone around you, I feel sad because of you, do you know how bad you look? Don't be a baby." It hurts so much, the words, I'm on the brink of tipping over. I can't concentrate on school, or anything around me. I lock myself in my room whenever my dad is around, because of the fear that he would get angry at me for looking depressed. I dont know how I can get out of this loop, positive affirmations? I've been trying to mind control myself for a year, I'm out of options, and the chronic pain is killing me, migraines makes me unable to think, prostatitis makes me unable to have sex or masturbate, or even sit or walk for a period of time. It's such a negative loop I am stuck in. How can I get out of this? I'm grasping at straws.
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self.depression
|
My post-attempt Anhedonia has made me a living corpse Hi, everyone.
First post here with this account, but long time lurker.
Being my first post, it will be quite long and introduttive, so if you don’t feel like reading it I’m completely fine with it.
It all started with my first suicide attempt:
Being a creative person with a gift for drawing since when I was born, after graduating from an art high school with good grades, I chose the only school in my country that offered animation courses.
My passion was such that I took the
courage to leave home to another far away city in the south (had a lot of pressure and expectations from everyone, including me), and being a very insecure guy (half Japanese who was bullied through mid school) it was a big leap for me.
-First year of college went pretty well, made many new friends, started living and making choices independently (being an only child I never had to compete with others for attention), and albeit my parents were still paying for me, I felt a bit guilty but at the same time happy because it seemed worth it (artistically and emotionally too).
-Post school Summer was kind of fine for me with a part-time job, only problem I had was a sudden heavy loss of hair, which made me super anxious and obsessive for 2 months (having no one to talk to because friends and parents were abroad made me less stable).
-Second year of school starts, I find myself sharing a room with a classmate in the suburbs, suddenly moving out, coupled with lots of anxieties made by a different environment, never ending traffic sounds (I’ve lived all my life in the very quiet Venice, the only city in the world with no cars) and stress from school made the first 3 months very difficult, but I tried my hardest and went on.
The animation program forced me to stay many hours a day staring closely at a pc monitor, which caused me continuous headaches and loss of vision, but I still felt I could resist a bit until Christmas holidays.
Problem is, my habits started to become worse everyday, from not eating, heavy insomnia and panic attacks, to difficulty in respiration, anxiety, semi-complete lack of communication with everyone, and finally self harm (stabbed my hands with a compass many times, hit my head on the wall until I bled).
It’s at that moment that I found Reddit and this sub (I even spent time lurking in r/watchpeopledie).
All of this in complete secrecy from everyone, because I didn’t want to worry them.
The day before my roommates returned to the apartment, out of shame and fear, I roamed in an immense park all day, under freezing temperatures, wearing only light clothes.
It eventually led me to almost lose consciousness out of hypothermia, and the moment I found myself before a very high waterfall, I suddenly felt the urge to finish it all.
The only reason I’m still here is because after I slipped near the edge and almost fell in the icy water, my survival instincts surfaced and made me grapple onto some bushes, thus saving myself from death.
It wasn’t a logical backing off, it’s just that I felt I didn’t want to die in that way after having felt that cold in the water (I remember it was like having hundreds of needles into your body).
Needless to say, after I crawled my way home, my parents got informed and I failed out of college.
In a few days it’s gonna be an year since I attempted.
What did I lose?
-basically almost all of my already scarce relationships
-every passion and pleasure in any activity I can think of (music and drawing give me no emotions)
-every sexual/romantic desire (during mid school I had to go through a very painful rehabilitation two times after a first failed surgery to my penis which had a curvature that made sex impossible)
What did I gain?
_Anhedonia_
Having sex for the first time with a prostitute in Japan out of desperation didn’t feel that physically pleasurable (two penis surgeries made me less sensitive)
My parents recent divorce would’ve destroyed me emotionally if I still had the ability to feel emotions.
I couldn’t feel emotions to such a level they asked me if I was human anymore, since I showed ZERO reactions to it.
Seeing friends and relatives after 1 year of isolation, exercise, food, meditation, music, drawing and everything I used to like, they all feel meaningless to me.
My current therapy sessions are not helping much either.
Anhedonia influences everything in my life, receiving calls, messages, visits and gifts from the people I care about gives me zero emotion, the same applies if I don’t answer them for days or months.
No guilt, crying or emotion at all, nor any incentives to call them back.
It all feels like a dream, or nightmare, but from which I can’t wake up (I can’t count how many times I passed in front of speeding cars without caring, or how bleak and meaningless current society is to me).
I’d want to say everything feels the same, but the word “_feels_” doesn’t mean anything to me anymore.
I can’t find again the empathy towards others and myself, so I don’t even recognize myself in me, it’s like I’m living someone’s else existence.
Is life without emotions worth living?
Edit: To whoever took their time to read all of this, Thank You So Much!!!
Even if you don’t feel to leave a comment, just the fact that someone read this means I wasn’t rambling in vain.
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self.depression
|
I'm scared. Ive had a lot of suicidal thoughts but they were not very strong as it is now but my issue is that I'm impulsive. I'm scared one day I'm going to end my life on impulse. Also I have cut before and I think I've become numbed to the pain. Ive had instances where I think to myself what if I drink this liquor and mix it with lots of pain medication just because I felt like it or what if I take this blade and cut myself where I would bleed out. I could be doing anything like crossing the road and I would find myself sometimes not bothering to see if the roads are clear. I don't want to die but at the same time I feel like if I happened to die but not by suicide, I would be happy.
|
self.depression
|
The previous two weeks I had some of the worst anxiety of my life. This weekend I started a new job and everything went smooth and it was pretty easy! Things can turn around quickly! [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Fuck Here I am, updating my diary again.
Just as I thought my life had made a turn in the right direction, it proved me wrong.
Where should I start?
Most of the week was quite OK, with the exception of Wednesday, when I got way too drunk and cried my soul out with a colleague from my studies, and yesterday.
Yesterday, I was at my favourite place with my friends. Of course, when I need a quiet evening, I can't have it.
So, one of my friends basically starts going after me for my drug use, threatening to tell my parents, or even calling the police on me.
I know it's not ideal, but it's still my life.
Anyway, I tried talking to a friend about it, a friend I tell a lot of things, when he basically told me he's annoyed by me, and I shouldn't tell him so much stuff. Really hit me hard, because I had always known I had no idea of what he thought of me, although in the past weeks I felt more like he was finally considering me as close a friend as I consider him. Apparently I was wrong.
Also, I fear I'm slipping into an eating disorder. Didn't eat anything from Tuesday evening to Thursday evening, then ate a crapload of stuff on Friday and today. I kinda don't want to have another problem, but then again, this would be the least of my problems.
So, thank you for reading, if anyone did.
Have a nice week.
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self.depression
|
I'm in love with someone and I feel let down I'm in love with someone. I think about them constantly. They say they like me and they enjoy spending time with me and we flirt almost constantly. But whenever it comes down to real emotional break down its always "I really like you a lot". Nothing more than that. I'm really frustrated. I am not a jealous person, but if we're cuddling and they're on their phone inside I'm angry. I wanna scream to the hilltops how much I love them but they're just "I like you". We've slept together several times and still they never say anything more than "I really like you a lot". I'm tired of being pulled around. What am I doing wrong by loving someone? I just want to be loved back....
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self.offmychest
|
Advice: The Dead Sea, saltiest place on Earth, second to her. New Relationship, and best described as dating a pretzel... Twisted, salty and I can't get enough! I'm a 22 y/o Maori male and have been seeing this choice as lady for a coupley months, she's 30 and deals with type 1. We just started living together, and she has 2 awesome young girls, who also seem to posses the ability of growing horns on command. I don't know how to explain, that I enjoy playing with fire aware of getting burned. The unpredictable is such a turn on, from good vibes present to more energy than a lightning storm. I haven't known her personally for long, but majority of her previous relationships with family and partners has been a path of hardship through physical, mental and spiritual violence... Due to their lack of understanding/empathy. I'm fortunate to have personal stability, and have so much stength to support this beautiful lady, plenty of time for her daughters, as want to provide them with the guidance and opportunities that, I took for granted in whatever they wish to pursue. It's still early days, and she's a really independent lady, a survivor not a victim, so there aren't labels yet as such, as she struggles with romantic feelings as much as guys. She doesn't take meds, but from previous experience, they bring about a numbness. I strongly identify with spirit/natrual alternatives (as a Maori, not just crazy) if anyone has any suggestions? At times she goes really queit, and you can feel the static in the room, I just haven't grasped, how to bring her out of this headspace, as she is so independent and hasn't had a partner that can support and just listen, without anger or wanting to fix everything she keeps quiet. Her thought manifests in the environment and is like static electricity. she seems to resolve issues like a male through self reflection, rather than a verbal release. Laughter seems to help, so I try change her pattern of thought with humour, but the downside being i dont know what's appropriate at times. Last thing I want is to come across as her mother, especially since early days but I'm all about the family values and just here for support. To listen rather than reply, these ears aren't painted on. If anyone has any advise on this situation, dealing with my lady who could make even the devil breakdown on Jeremy Kyle. Would be much appreciated. She's so worth it, without darkness we'd never appreciate how good the light is. Nothing worse than a basic b*tch, like a challenge.
|
self.bipolar
|
Visualizing my depression... I get this mental image of me, walking thought a Southwestern American desert. Things seem OK: bright day, sunshine, flat land for miles...
...and the someone kicks my feet out from under me. I fall, and my head usually hits the ground. I am scratched and bloody from hitting the hard-packed, gravelly ground. Suddenly, there is a large, gaping pit right next to me that I did not notice was there. I tumble over the edge and hang on. On relatively good days, I can keep my arms and head above the rim. On really bad days, I hang by my fingernails.
The worst part is that feeling that one day I'll fall into that pit, and never see light again.
|
self.depression
|
I Should Be Dead Here's my story, I've been suffering with depression for most of my life at this stage, my dad left at a very young age, I've had pretty much no male influence in my life. I've spent pretty much my whole life with my mom and sisters, they haven't always treated me very well and I think that's one of the main causes for my depression.
I've never really been very interested in having relationships with people because it's hard enough just to keep myself stable and happy so having someone else I have to make happy is out of the question. My depression always comes back whenever I'm at a good point in my life which ends up with me getting fired from my job and isolating myself from friends.
It's a vicious cycle that doesn't seem to end no matter what I try to do about it, and last year I decided to give up, I was planning to kill myself on Christmas Day 2017 but my mom found out earlier in December and I was forcefully sectioned from Dec 3rd through to Dec 29th when I was finally discharged. It's now April, I'm not working yet because I don't feel ready, my new meds aren't exactly giving me the desired effect and little things keep chipping away at me and I feel like I'm even more easily depressed now.
I'm just so bored of life in general, I mean I know for a fact I'm going to build myself back up again and then the depression is going to drag me back down again and that's what scares me.
I've been thinking about planning suicide again but this time I'm definitely not going to let anyone close to me find out about it because I can't stand to be sectioned again.
I'm not really looking for answers, I just needed a safe space to get something off my chest.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I can't remember the last time I saw the sunlight [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I came home tonight to an empty apartment---wife is gone with all her things I'm 34. Great job and well educated but I wouldn't exactly call myself overly physically attractive. Wife and I have had issues over 5 years of marriage, some mine some hers. I'm fairly certain no one has ever cheated, but we have had dishonesty between each other and many things that held us back like fighting some legal battles and large weight and physical appearance changes. Over time it ate away at us. Tonight I came home to a relatively empty apartment. Almost all her things gone and a note that said she didn't feel the marriage was best for her and she needed to work on her. I texted her and she said we would talk tomorrow. Given the extent of things gone, I have to come to the conclusion this may be permanent.
Some people may handle this well, especially since the marriage was rocky, but I do love my wife and I'd be the happiest man if she came home tonight. I loathe the prospect of being a divorcee(aka a failure and statistic), and loathe even more the prospect of dating again. I wasn't a big fan of dating before my marriage and found it mostly frustrating and unfulfilling. Part of the lure of marriage in the first place was to be done with dating!
The most fulfilling thing in my life is domestic life rocky as it may be, I enjoy coming home to someone. I enjoy talking about the day even if is just mundane things. I love regular, monogamous but hot sex. I would like a family in the next couple years. Without these things or the prospect of going without these things for months or years, I'd rather just not live.
I'm on the verge of a Ph.D.............but yet with no one to share it with and with the prospect of divorce and living completely alone for years, nothing matters. I feel I'm getting too old to start again and have a family without rushing or get anything out of life that I want. Again, some are driven by job and friends. I am not. I am driven by having a beautiful wife to come home to and someone to help care for. If this is over, I feel like there isn't much left for me to care for and the frustration of starting again just further makes me want to quit life.
I took a trip to wal-mart tonight and it took all my energy not to put the car into a guardrail at high speed. I know it isn't "over yet"....but given how things have been going,this is probably the end of the marriage.
I'm not driven by my job, not satisfied by friends or hobbies.....That stuff is fun but doesn't cut it long term. It never has; Since high school I have craved and needed female affection and love. It is how I'm wired. Part of my motivation for being well educated was so one day I could support my wife and family better even before I knew them.
Assuming my marriage is gone..........I don't feel many women would give me a second look these days nor do I have the drive to just "put myself out there" It is much more pragmatic to just call it quits.
Yes I need to wait and see what happens tomorrow.......but I'm hoping for support tonight, and I'm worried about what happens after tomorrow. I'm worried about an unstoppable spiral that leads me suicide so I'm reaching out now....if for nothing else than for comfort through the inevitable spiral.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
what are the signs that you‘re depressed? i really feel like shit everyday for no reason at all, and i‘m always thinking that it‘s not depression. more that i‘m just doing something wrong
|
self.depression
|
I feel there won't be any other choice (no place to live) Too much personal info.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
At a low point, dont know what to do anymore I have no friends, everyone I know hates me, my job hates me, my whole family thinks im a nothing but a dissapointment.
Ive been dealing with manic depreesion for years and can never seem to get better, and everyone has just given up on me.
I feel like everyone hates me and just wants me to go away for good.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Anyone else get the fucking religion talk? I broke down crying today and my mom noticed and the first thing she does is tell me I should "surrender to god" and I get increasingly pissed off until I tell her "please stop or I'm gonna break my fist on the wall" and she keeps fucking going so now my fist is all bloody and fucked up. Why can't I just have a sane parent? This might sound edgy but I'm not stupid enough for religion to help me. Anyone else dealing with stupid religious parents who just pedal their bullshit every time you try to open up to them? god im so fucking alone
|
self.depression
|
Today is the kind of day where all I can do is sit in bed and hug my teddy bear but I have to go be a functioning adult [removed]
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self.depression
|
You Guys are the best, thank you Hello Everyone, I just wanted to say that I really appreciate this sub and everyone on it for the amazing support it offers and reassurance it provides in its posts both funny and serious.
I had my millionth quarter life crisis last November and came here with a long and incoherent post looking for help and you responded. I finally got an appointment with a doctor(after 6 weeks of waiting!) and over the last few weeks I have finally felt what 'normal' feels like for the first time in probably 8 years. It was like the first day of spring, when you realize how bad winter has been and how you forgot how wonderful spring feels. It had been so long it actually felt nostalgic in a weird way, I felt like I was back in high school when all was normal and right with the world (my onset was basically the second I stepped foot onto a college campus and had to take care of myself).
I am mostly a lurker, but I wanted to say thank you. It has been a whirlwind of a 4 months from realization, to denial thinking I made it all up, to self loathing, to acceptance, to getting over my fear of medication, to finally experiencing the 'normal' I remember from my high school days. There's still a lot to do, I have a short and long term plan to get my career back on path, and I need to come up with a plan to address my massive credit card dept (yay) but I am amazed how quickly I've been pulled out of the hole.
I couldn't have done it without this sub and I really appreciate it. Here's to the ups and downs, and now, for the first time in a long time, the normals.
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self.bipolar
|
Ignorance is Bliss This statement never made sense to me. Until recently.
There are so many wise and intelligent people here. I am pretty well-educated and I consider myself pretty intelligent. I’m a researcher by nature and training.
And omg would my life be a lot easier if I wasn’t.
Does this make sense?
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self.bipolar
|
I've been feeling particularly down lately I'm going to be 25 in a few months. It's a round number, as close to 30 as it is to 20, and I think it's putting a particularly bright light on my myriad insecurities.
I'm currently living with my parents and working as a cashier. The constant small talk and interaction with people has to make it among the worst jobs for someone on the autism spectrum, but I'm apparently too stupid to do anything else. I majored in something fairly useless in college, but I minored in computer science and put significant work into building a web development portfolio after college. I spent over a year talking to recruiters and getting interviews, but never landing a position. There were times I could see what I did wrong, or didn't do very well on an assessment, but just as many where the interview seemed to go well and I did good on an assessment and just never heard back, or got a "Oh, yeah, we're going with someone else email."
I know I'm not entitled to a job, and I don't want to wade into CS technicalities too much, but, it's like...I just know *so much*. Linked lists, binary search trees, polymorphism, MVC, how to do a SQL injection, immediately invoked function expressions, the difference between "client side" and "server side." I have all this knowledge floating around my head, and there are just times that it feels surreal that I'm cashiering at a fucking grocery store.
Oh yeah, and I'm a virgin. Never had a girlfriend. Never really been close, a handful of coffee dates that never go anywhere. A couple girls who I thought liked me (I was wrong). I was insecure when I was 18, self-conscious at 20, now I'm just in awe at my complete lack of accomplishment. There are times when I feel like I'm part of some *Truman Show* type experiment and the showrunners need me to stay single.
To tie this back around to the intro, I've often taken some solace in the notion that things could get better in the future, but that window is closing. It closes slowly, but life moves quickly; being 20 feels like yesterday, so it follows that being 30 feels like tomorrow. I can try a little harder every day, I can hold out hope for some great stroke of luck, but I increasingly feel the need to contend with the possibility of being a complete loser for the remainder of my life.
|
self.depression
|
I feel like a loser I'm not very good at life in general but today i went to print out something for school. The woman working there tends to make small talk with people which already makes me uneasy.
Today she gave me the staple gun to staple the papers on my own because she was busy. I got nervous and couldn't (i tried first) and pretended like i did staple it. She saw I didn't and told me to come back so she can do it. I felt so bad i just made up that a friend has a stapling gun and ran off. I can never go in there again.
Why am i like this?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm so busted, that Reddit is my only support structure Life is a kick, I have a wife and 4 kids, a grandkid and I haven't had a friend in more than a decade. A few years ago I suffered some trauma that spun me into years of the worst Anxiety issues you can imagine, I managed to hold it together enough to be a father, but that's about it. And now I've made the long journey out of it(Science!), and realize i have no friends, no social structure, and my family barely knows me anymore. All my support is from lurking Reddit.
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self.offmychest
|
I can't be on my own because I worry myself sick Whether its parties or just being out on my own, I will not eat food because I am too afraid of feeling sick after eating. This will cause me to feel sick from thinking about it to the point where I will be gagging and vomiting from nothing. (Sorry for crap explanation, its hard to explain)
|
self.Anxiety
|
Do you ever feel like something is wrong? Like you are in your house, nothing is bad, everything is Ok, you don't have nothing to worry about but still you feel uneasy, like something is wrong? I love those moments where I do feel good, relaxed. But almost always it's like I'm hiding from someone and they are gonna come and get me anytime.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Just been prescribed fluoxetine (prozac) I'm happy I have a solution of some kind to my anxiety but now I'm worrying about what the side effects will be like. Some of them are the same as my anxiety symptoms - nausea, trouble sleeping. Have any of you been prescribed this specifically for anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
|
Medications that work instantly I’ve been on medications for a while and feel no different is there an antidepressant that works rapidly fast
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self.depression
|
I don't think anyone likes me people offline say I'm nice and I behave good so I don't get why I ;-; I'm not as popular online
this guy that made people hate me for 15 years wants to be my friend again and I found out he's still friends with the ppl that he made hate me in the first place (I mean from his discord profile under mutual friends on her outgoing friend request)
I don't wanna be friends with that guy
I wish I could be online friends with people too =(
|
self.depression
|
i feel like a fucking pariah it doesn't matter where i go, in person or online, trying my hardest to act normal or appeal to what people enjoy, whether i am stable or in a swing, if i use them as an emotional dumpster, how lonely the person i talk to is, anything really. anything meaningful always falls apart pretty fast. i feel like i have to be some kind of energy vampire that is mentally painful to be around. i hope once my meds settle i can actually maintain some kind of friendship. i can be fun and amusing in groups and keep people entertained but usually end up at the spearpoint of jokes and no one is willing to hang out with me. do i give off some kind of bad vibe? fuck if i know. all i know is that even in the weirdest social circles im always the biggest fucking weirdo and eat flak. every circle abandons and ghosts me. it really eats at my sanity. the only people who will come near me besides my family are my girlfriend and an alcoholic who i have near-death experiences every time i hang out with.
does anyone else feel this way? im not really even that social of a person and i usually prefer being alone but this shit can get really grating. even for someone so used to being alone being treated this way by basically everyone is shitty. of course i have to day to day interact with people, and anyone that i see regularly seems to avoid me like the plague. is it just a complex or paranoia? it feels all too real to me. it's like the only way someone will stay around is if they are an emotional hostage. am i alone in this boat or has this disorder totally obliterated your social well-being?
|
self.bipolar
|
Sick of being sick. Why can't i be normal? This morning I had a panic attack. I had no reason to.
What do I have to do now?
I've seen variously therapists, but they only talk.
Yes it's helpful, but it's not enough.
|
self.Anxiety
|
How do I stop blushing? I’ve always been a blusher. When I was a kid, my friends would tease me to get me to blush. They’d say “you like (insert name here)” and is turn red regardless of what they said. That feeling of all eyes on me was enough to trigger
it
Fast forward eight years and it’s gotten worse. I blush for no reason now. Once I associate something or someone with blushing, it’s like they’re marked. I fear blushing around them, so I always turn scarlet. Now there are all kinds of rumors spread about me because of it. I used to be relatively confident, but now I can’t even go to school without being anxious about it. I’ve been in therapy since school started in September and have seen no progress(it’s been helpful in other ways).
Has anyone else struggled with this? If so, how did you cope with it?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Good songs that relate to, or are about, bipolar disorder? I like music I can relate to, I'd say the following:
Lithium by Nirvana (seems obvious)
Sleepyhead by Passion Pit reminds me of it.. "They couldn't think of something to say the day you burtst..".. that line reminds me of times I ended up in the hospital. I've also read the main guy in the band has bipolar.
What else?
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self.bipolar
|
i am doomed what do i do now I am 24, live at home a complete beta male. my sister got drunk she called to get a ride home, she was worried about or parents finding out. I went and got her, she was wasted, not just drunk, but stoned too. She passed out on the way home, completely out, no response at all. I had never had sex, I just kept looking at her, I pulled over, behind a closed down Dairy Queen, put her in the backseat, and had sex with her, I did not have a condom and ejaculated inside her, got hard again quickly so I did it again, she never even moved. Got her home, inside and put her in her room, I put her on her bed, took off her shoes and put a blanket on her. She was really sick in the morning. I wanted to kill myself, for weeks, every-time a car pulled in the driveway, or my parents looked at me, I was ready to run, I live above the garage, so I am not in the main house much, just meals. I want to tell her, to touch her, it's all I think about.then Dad told me after dinner we were having a family meeting, I put some stuff in the car, ready to split. My parents, sister, grandparents, were all here, my sister has been sick lately, Mom took her to the doctor, I am waiting to hear about cancer, my grandmother was already crying, I am twisting, I am in love with my sister, I don't want to loose her. Mom tells us, my sister is pregnant. She has no idea who the father is she says, grandma is wailing and calling out Jesus over and over. Dad says she told him that she passed out at the party, I picked her up from, she went to, she has no boyfriend, never had sex, he thinks she might have been raped at the party, she does not remember anything, didn't know how she got home. Dad asked if heard anything that night, I remind him, I wear headphones when I am playing guitar. I ask about an abortion, parents are devout Christians, I am not. No abortion, she will keep the child. I am so fucked, i want to die
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self.depression
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I'm 23 and I've ruined my life. Where do I go from here? I've been on antidepressants for around 4 or 5 years, but I'm still a mess. I have no control over my emotions, my panic attacks and general anxiety lead me to ruin friendships and relationships, I have fits of rage that also lead me to say things I don't mean but obviously can't take back, which has made me a very lonely person because no one wants to be around someone like that. I don't blame them. I lost someone that I really really love because of all this shit. It's hard on my parents, it's been hard on the people around me and that's why they leave. I've ruined so many things that I can't fix.
I hate my school. I love what I'm studying but the program at my school for it is a joke. All of the people in my program are annoying, I don't really like them. This past semester though, I started hanging out with them occasionally out of loneliness. That's not a good foundation for friendships.
This past year I've done a lot of growing, I've realized how shitty of a person I am, how selfish I am and how I've ruined every good relationship and friendship in my life. I still have no confidence, I'm still constantly paranoid, I'm always worried about my family members dying or something. I live 400 miles away from my childhood home. I have no friends where I live. My parents don't believe me when I say I have no friends. My mom says "that's not true," and my dad just mocks me. Everything has gotten worse since starting antidepressants. If I hadn't started them, my anxiety and depression wouldn't have become a "thing" and everything would have been fine.
So this year, my goal is to get off antidepressants. So I'm going to do that. But where do I go from here? How do I take care of myself? How do I rebuild my life? How do I make friends? I need to start my life over, but how? I've ruined so much of my life. I'm not suicidal, I could never do that to my parents and my sisters and my family. But I feel so hopeless. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm 23 and I feel like my life is over.
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self.depression
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If I saw myself on the street I would walk up to him and punch him in the face [deleted]
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self.depression
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I don't want to die I just want to stop existing [deleted]
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self.depression
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everything hurts. this is probably the worst part: the physical pain. this has been one of the longest/saddest weeks in a while. now im just laying in bed reflecting and everything hurts, my head, my chest(this one is the worst), my stomach, even my legs. its not regular pain/soreness, i dont really know how to describe it besides “depression pains.” when i am so mentally distressed it begins to physically pain me. im also explaining it very poorly, its more of a feeling, but it hurts? like it feels like im recovering from being smacked by a big rubber ball or something, if that makes it clearer?
it mostly is because of loneliness, having no one to talk to, no one willing to listen to me vent. no one ever wants to listen to me, and when i try telling my “close friends” about how i feel, it always becomes about them. i mean i know they have feelings too, but its to the point where i cant say anything without them changing the subject to themselves, changing the subject entirely, or acting like what i say is a joke.
im alone more often than not, and most of the time all i want is another body with me when im doing mundane tasks, like eating or studying (especially late at night-thats when it hurts the most).
also i hate when i need to cry but it wont come out and it feels like a broken dam behind my eyes but no water is coming out
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self.depression
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I’m a musician but I’m also depressed and stuck in life
My name is Jake I’m 18 and I’m a musician I want to do good for myself but I’m stuck in life and I don’t know what to do besides write music I have friends I have a good home with a few loving family members I’m 1000 miles away from the rest of my family in Mississippi and I don’t know what to do I want a job I just don’t know who would hire me I don’t know what to do I didn’t finish high school because I wanted to instead play video games and party when in reality I should’ve finished school I’m planning on getting my GED but my main concern now is getting my license and my one goal in the end is to become noticed and make a living off of what I love doing . I don’t know if you guys know who Metallica is (not saying you don’t) I discovered Metallica about five Years ago I couldn’t play any of their songs because I was a beginner but once I started to really get into them about three years ago my skill on the Guitar skyrocketed I’m not saying I’m Kirk Hammett good or dime bag Darrell good if you guys know who they are but I’m pretty good I can play any Metallica song my point is I’m depressed and the only thing I want to do in my life is play and write music my goal in life is to honor my best friends dad who was a music producer He died in August of this year and it really hurt me and my best friend he is so talented in many ways he can play the drums he can sing he plays rhythm guitar very well he’s like my brother and his dad was like mine because I live 1000 miles away from my dad and he died in a car accident in August and all I want to do is honor him by getting noticed and putting my music out there I just need support I guess I’m sorry for seeming so needy I’m just having a hard time right now I don’t hate my life but I hate where I’m at in life I have money I’m not rich but I have money but I really want to start a band and bring back Pantera you know like they were the gods of metal and I’m a big metal head like I know a lot of people out there my age want to become big and famous and get a record deal but I just want to Succeed musically I want to be playing on stage one day in front of 100000s of people and I want to be able to communicate with my fans via social media you know I want to live the good life and honor the closest thing I had to a father because that’s what he would’ve wanted for me he was pushing me and my best friend to write songs which we did but we never really finished any which were working on now I’m sorry that I keep changing the subject I have executive functioning disorder but my point is I feel like I’m not gonna get there unless I have support if you guys would like to support me and are fans of any type of classic metal message me on here and I’ll send you my Instagram and you guys can check out my page I’ll be posting finished songs on you my YouTube channel soon I just want to make music that the listener can relate to and enjoy I have some amazing work recorded (Riffs)
I just want to honor the closest thing I had to a biological father.
My YouTube channel is GuitarFreek1999
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self.depression
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(Explicit) Lost My Best Friend in a Gunfight over Drugs I am a small town kid from the midwest. I grew up in a bullshit family getting beat and taunted, told I was worthless and how Id never become powerful or successful. I no longer have memory of any aspirations or dreams, which i especially dont have.
when i was 10 my parents finally divorced. my dad took to the bottle even harder, but my alcoholic mother turned to narcotics. i would spend the afternoons cleaning the vomit off her chin and picking up the house. i was growing tired of it.
being an introvert, i played xbox live waaaaay too much. i made a friend named shawn, who i was friends with for a year. he was there when my parents got divorced, and he and i connected even more. i knew he was a couple years older than me, and he told me about his crazy life. he peddled drugs with his older brother. they told me that i could make some cash doin it for them, so i packed my bags and moved 6 states away to West Virginia. I had no idea what i was getting into.
my summers for the next 2 years, except for my third year in my home state, and the next summer was spent (9 months accumulated time) selling meth and busting up snitches.
my last summer, towards the end, we were going to go bust a rival lab. shoot it up, take the shit, yada yada... but 15 of our 20 guys ended up never coming back. we were 16 or 17 miles away from any farmhouses or towns, so this lab was in the hills, well concealed from society. you had to hike through the woods for a mile to actually get to the clearing where this quansa hut stood. inside was a fuckload of crystal, shine and probably a bit of heroin.
we set up a firing line around the high ground. sent 3 guys to start knocking the joint, and we would follow up with some shooting if anyone came out. 2 offroad Gators come up, 3 guys in each, all wearing masks, camo and carrying choppers or shotguns. after that, our 3 guys got laid to waste, followed by 5 men ready to attack that rushed out of the hut.
my friend rachel, who i had known since my first arrival in WV, was beside me with an sks, which was what i carried as well. she and i probably killed 4 of them between us until she stopped shooting. i kept going but she told me to look out when she saw two guys aiming at us. i ducked my head below a small rock amd waited, then fired again. i wounded one of them and drove the other back into the hut. i look to my right and what do i see.
she was laying there real still. i nudged her but nothing happened. i lift her head up and see three bullet wounds in her face, and i immediately take cover again after they shot at me one last time.
all my brothers left, and they figured that it wasnt worth the bullshit. i grabbed my knife and slit her arm. i took her blood and covered my face with it. i laid still until 15 minutes pass and a man is standing over me. he was angry and shouting at another man who says he was going back inside to get shovels. they were going to burn the bodies and bury their own dead. i pulled my 38 from my boot and shot him square in the nose. i got up and ran for my life. i washed my best friends blood off in a creek, got a fresh shirt and pants from my pack and hiked into wellsburg where i caught a bus to ann arbor michigan. i spent 200 dollars on a hotel room for two nights until my brothers came back and got me.
i never did illegal activity since... i was 14 when i lost her.
if people dont think shit like this happens, its cuz theyre not looking hard enough, and now im telling you. The clan kills white folks too, it aint about race anymore. its drugs and mobey, and those two things killed my best friend rachel, and almost me on august 10th, 2012.
im sorry for gruesome details, but hopefully someone can learn from the things ive talked about today.
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self.offmychest
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Missed dose of Effexor 5 days ago, still feeling it Missed my dose Wednesday night. Took it regularly at 7pm, realized at 3pm Thursday after beginning to feel intensely dizzy. Last few days I've felt slight dr/dp, elevated anxiety, getting spooked by unexpected stimuli, and brain zaps and brain lag. A slight bit better today but still feel quite a bit off. Been taking it regularly and on time now (kept it at 3.) Seeing my PCP tomorrow as I'm leaving the country for a week and a half and want to make sure I'm able to enjoy my trip.
Anyone else ever experience a little delay in getting back to normal after missing a dose of Effexor? Any advice on what to do (besides be patient, of course) if so?
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self.Anxiety
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Does anyone else find hobbies they enjoy become progressively more boring and a waste of time [deleted]
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self.depression
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Every time i get close i cant do it because i dont want to hurt the few people that care [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Feeling so shook up after a panic attack last week. Can't seem to get back to my normal self. Happen to anyone else? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Weened off Lexapro and feeling nauseous and disconnected Hey guys. So I was on Lexapro 10mg for a year after having a terrible episode of panic attacks.
3 weeks ago I weened off and at first it wasn’t so bad. I was super optimistic. It’s week 3 now and I’m feeling pretty shit. Super nauseous and flu like. Terrible concentration. This feeling of “disconnection” like I’m watching a movie through my eyes.
Does this end? Will I ever feel normal again. I could really use some success stories and postivity..
Thanks for reading
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self.Anxiety
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What do you do when people saying they're there for you makes everything worse? Title. I got a call from one of my bosses after calling off several times in a row concerned for my well-being, and him saying that my coworkers are "rooting for [me]" made me want to go through with suicide even more.
I ran out of call offs so I'm there tonight, sobbing in the stockroom. I know I have friends, especially here, but my work friends aren't here tonight because they got nominated for an employee recognition banquet. I can't go out there like this.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Could you please talk with me? Hi, I'm almost 20 year old man with asperger. I recently started very hard studies of Microbiology. Unfortunately they turned out to be harder than I expected, and now I don't know what to do. I had suicidal thoughts before, I had antidepresants, but they destroyed my liver, so now I have to take special medicines to repair it.
I feel bad and tired, I'm just different from all other people, and I don't have the power to keep pretending to be someone else. Suicidal thoughts are back, and they are stronger than ever.
I know nobody here can magically fix my life, but I just want to talk with someone.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Worst Month of My Life Seriously Considering Killing Myself Where do I even begin?
I'm 26, I got romantically involved with a girl I knew I shouldn't have, my best friend who I live with just told me he isn't resigning our lease (so less than a months notice), so I'm about to be homeless, I lost my job yesterday, my dog (and best friend) died in September, and I'm behind on my car payments. I know most people will be like "get a better job" and yes you're right. I'm trying to. I have an interview tomorrow. I just don't know how to handle all this shit. I know people have been in similar or worse situations, but I've never been in this position before. I don't know how to handle it or what to do. Killing myself has been my top option. I even googled the best drugs to OD on last night. I don't wanna do this or be this way. I just feel like I'm backed into a corner and can't get out. Please if anyone has any advice or has been through a similar situation, please save me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Seeking advice trying to get my life back together Hi, I do not frequently post on reddit, I'm more of a lurker, but I am in a very unfortunate situation and I'm not sure what else to do. I'm just seeking advice.
I will try to explain my story briefly but there are a lot of details. I am not asking for pity, I just want to explain where I am coming from and I am trying to better myself.
I am 26, and I have two beautiful children. I live in a trailer home with them and my soon to be ex wife. I had a good job as an insurance auditor. My life was not bad, I had family, a good job and beautiful kids, but life was very stressful as both my kids are very young and my wife was not working. I suffer from depression, anxiety and panic attacks. Sometimes these issues are caused by stress, sometimes they come from no where. I had been feeling more depressed than ever in my life in the past recent months. I lost my motivation to get out of bed, performance dropped at work, I didn't want to do chores around the house or go grocery shopping. I expressed that I had some sort of problem to my wife wanting her affection and support. I just needed someone to listen and be there for me. But she had a very practical approach to this. She told me well we just need to fix it and get you help. I don't know how to explain how I felt about that. I didn't want to hear I needed to be "fixed" I just wanted a caring and supportive shoulder to lean on. But she had a very low tolerance for my decrease in attitude, personality, and motivation. And understandably so. I was a mess and not doing anything around the house and not doing well at work. I wasn't even interacting with my kids as much as I should have been. I was just very tired of the basic stresses of being young with so much responsibility and not a lot of money. And being the sole earner for my whole family. Anyway, long story short, I lost my job, and the very next day my car broke down. This sent my depression and anxiety into overdrive. The next few weeks were some of the worst of my life and I ended up attempting to take my own life. I'm glad I was not successful. I need to be here for my kids. But my wife decided to divorce me after that. It was too much for her to handle.
I am doing a little better now. I checked myself into a psychiatric ward and got help. I am on meds and seeing a therapist regularly now. But my insurance I was getting through my job has now ended. I used all of my savings to buy a car. since my old one broke down (engine failure). Now I can't afford my meds or my therapy.
I already have a job offer. But the job does not start until Jan 15th. And I won't get paid until 2 weeks after that. I need money in the interim very badly. I currently still live with my ex wife but our lease is up at the end of the month. I have friends who are also moving soon and we have planned to move in together and they will let me have my kids over when it is my turn with them. But I need rent money and my share of the deposit to pay to them. And I need food and basic necessities. I have been doing odd jobs on craigslist and mowing lawns and things like that. But it is just not enough. I am terrified of not being able to pull my own weight and letting my friends down. I will also have to start paying child support soon. If I can't afford rent I will be homeless, if that happens or I can't afford child support, my ex will be super pissed and I will lose my kids altogether. Since I have mental illness and tried to kill myself, my ex can very easily get the courts to approve only monitored visits every other week for an hour or so. I can't do that. I need my kids in my life. They are the one and only thing keeping me tied to this life.
Does anyone have any suggestions that might help me out? I have a job lined up but I need money faster. My credit is not great so I can't get approved for a loan. I've already sold my Xbox and a lot of my stuff. I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening.
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self.depression
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Sometimes I feel suicidal I have ADHD. Apparently we will never develop organisation skills as good as others. Since we already know the end outcome, why even try hard in life? Why not just end it now?
At least for stuff like poverty, at least there is hope that you can move up the social ladder as social mobility does exist. For ADHD, you already know that it is impossible to reach the organisation level of your peers.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Uncovering your Depression Has anyone else struggled with realizing and accepting their depression?
This past year I got sober, quit smoking, currently cutting out porn and sexual fantasizing and masturbation, cut down on phone use, eat less processed sugar, and I finally started going to counseling. I've become adept at noticing and getting rid of things that I use as a mental distraction for anxiety and whatnot, but now I'm getting to the root of everything and there's a profound sadness. I am depressed. I have been depressed. I have gone through many stages of denial, and I have been coping without realizing it. At least now I know. Some days I feel fine, or at least some peace, but I don't know what happiness is, not anymore.
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self.depression
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Isolated and severely depressed. Very obese and trying to lose weight. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Trying to get help Using a throwaway possibly for obvious reasons? I’m 15 years old But over the last couple of years I’ve been feeling incredibly low and I’ve had suicidal thoughts and I haven’t wanted to go to my parents about it out of the fear they wouldn’t take me seriously but I think I’ve finally decided to talk to my mother about it and was wondering if anyone would have any advice? It would be very much appreciated.
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self.depression
|
Wholesome I never had much luck with girls, I get really anxious and generally don't talk to them for except one friend, but you know what. Today in one of my classes one of the schools hottest girl complimented me and that's it. Just that and you know what I feel good about it.
Just wanted to share
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self.offmychest
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There is no point of me losing weight since I have no friends, no life, and am home schooled in a rural area unable to meet people who aren't toxic or have any interests in me. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I want to die, I just don't know how to do it [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Causes of Depression I've been having difficulty in concentrating and focusing, I can't study hard like I used to, i think depression dumbs me down, also I always lack sleep.
My eyesight is getting poor too, I can't read the writings on the board when I'm sitting at the 3rd row.
And it's like my mind is floating when I'm managing the store, someone asks for a toothpaste of Close Up, but I gave them the other brand instead even if I heard Close Up 2 seconds ago.
Lastly, I'm having a hard time memorizing and remembering. I used to be good at memorizing
It's affecting my school performance a lot. :(
Tbh, I'm really depressed, I started cutting again and attempted suicide thrice this year..
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self.depression
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Just wanted to get this off my chest I feel defeated. After coming home from Afghanistan, enrolling in school, and trying to push forward.... I feel nothing. Can’t get out of bed, can’t stop drinking, won’t talk to “friends”, rarely talk to family (when I do I just lie about my situation), and every time I take the chance to look around, all I see is rock fucking bottom. Just wanted to put into words. Thanks.
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self.depression
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Yes, I’m willing to pay more than $10 for a good pen like you’re willing to pay hundreds of dollars for a pair of shoes you’re only gonna wear for a few weeks. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Is it worth it I'm an 18 year old high school senior. My life doesn't seem all bad from an outsider's perspective. My family seems happy. I'm in a good school. I'm not a problem child. But the thing is, no one can see the real you but yourself. No one knows if you're at peace or if you have a hellstorm of chaotic emotions beneath your exterior, especially if you never let them show in any way. I deal with this problem daily. I'll be happy, for a few hours, distracted with everyday motions of life, and then thought of self consciousness, of paranoia about the future, the weight of knowing too many secrets about my divorced parents, the weight of knowing too much at all, the feeling that you're alone and no one really cares about you, no one checks in on you ever, and that you'll always be alone, relationship wise and friend wise, the feeling that you're nothing but a dead weight and no one would miss you if you disappeared, those are the emotions that come crashing down. Imagine feeling those hit you every day and you never want to tell your parents because they already have enough to deal with and counselors don't help because they always say the same things and it's the same thing every website says and every day you feel emptier and more unloved. I'm sorry, I did not mean to turn it into this but that's as close as i can come to putting my emotions into words and I don't know what to do, I've literally planned out scenarios in my head where my family wouldn't find my body but someone else that would be less affected by it would and every day they get more and more realistic and realer and I don't know what to do anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Hazing is quite literally one of the most stupid and self destructive rituals I've ever heard about and I can't believe people in the 21st century. Preface: I'm not a member of a fraternity and I dropped out of college (I'm working towards going back but that's another topic.) In addition, Im not talking about light hearted pranks or embarrassing rituals, I'm talking about physical, emotional, and mental abuse in the name of "brotherhood".
Right now I'm listening to a great NPR program called 1A and they're discussing hazing. The host is interviewing four people, two of them, are people who've went to a famous black fraternity that previously had such members as Thurgood Marshall and MLK Jr. Both of the men being interviewed are talking about their experiences with hazing. One of them is a professor, a man who is an intelligent, I guess, and this fucking idiot willingly, and I mean *willingly* went back into a fraternity as a grad student to endure hazing.
Why?
He wanted the challenge I guess? I don't quite understand his reasoning, but he willingly allowed himself to be beaten and abused to join a group with a fancy name. And yes I get it, it allows people to build a network and get friends.
But goddamn this guy is fucking stupid.
There is no medal for suffering. Yes, it can build up resilience, but for what? Boot camp is brutal, but why? Because it's supposed to shape a group of men and women into a fighting unit that can handle the stress of war. That's why, to prepare for war. Fraternities and sororities don't need this.
The thing they seem to miss in their discussion is that suffering *for* a purpose can be a meaningful experience. But what are they suffering for? Girls? Drugs? Drinking? Go to a bar for christs sake. Connections? That's why you get a fucking degree at college. So you're qualified to to get a job and make money. That's the reason, people should go. Yes, I understand that Greek Organizations can give valuable connections in the world. But is it really worth it?!
A lot of people will vehemently say yes, and that's their prerogative. But if I had to guess, I'd say it's because they *want* to find meaning where there is none. They want to believe that the beatings, forced drinking, sleep deprivation, humiliation, and shame they experienced was actually valuable. Rather than it being tha actions of a sick, twisted, organization that binds the members of the group to its ways through pain and shared guilt.
There is no medal for suffering.
Doing things the hard way because it "builds character" just seems incredibly naive. If you want think that pain and suffering builds character you might as well just hurt yourself and save the membership fees. But the fact of the matter is that if you're in a trying time filled with anguish, either mental or physical, you have *no choice* but to keep walking through the flames or turn to ash. That's because, as I said, you have no fucking choice. It's sink or swim. And you'll only know *when* that situation happens.
But if those arguments don't hold water, then they fall back on ththe fallacy that hazing builds character and makes you stronger for future challenges. The idea that willingly choosing pain and suffering because it "prepares" you for some other possible tribulation in the future seems ludicrous to me. Why pay the fucking money then?! Just put your hand on a fucking stove every day, cut yourself, take ice cold showers, walk to work in the winter without a jacket when you have car, throw out your glasses and squint. Why?
I've done something like that before and it took reading the comment of a very wise fellow redditor to wake me up. That's why I keep saying there's no medal for suffering. I've went through some very tough times in my life and came through it for the better, I guess, but it doesn't mean I'd willingly do it all over again. Suffering doesn't build character, introspection, curiosity, and a healthy mind state does.
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self.offmychest
|
Depressed, Anxious, and good at hiding it. So.... My short story. I've always been pretty smart, bright, succeeded in most things I've tried pretty easily or with little work. Things when I was young were always easy. In school you follow directions study and you succeed.
Until I got to med school. I experienced failure and shame. I became depressed and wallowed dropped out. Since then It's like I'm afraid of everything, trying, doing. I lock myself away as much as I can and just waste as much time on the internet as possible.
6 years later, my life right now, on the outside is good. I have a girlfriend, we're weeks away from closing on a house. My family works a franchise business. We have some staff and management issues employees and turnover. We're about to lose a store manager, but I'm sure we can manage with the corporation breathing down our necks.
I know I have everything going for me, I have no right to be depressed and anxious, but I am. Thoughts of the future and how I am going to continue to keep things up keep invading my mind. Thoughts of the extra headache of having to be more involved in directly managing people (I'm not good with people). Now, I continue to lock myself away as much as I can and just waste as much time on the internet as possible.
These thoughts keep invading, they have kept me up the past week. I'm so tired. Then today I thought really serious about suicide, and it gave me relief. My family doesnt have a clue, my girlfriend notices im down, but really I've been keeping it under wraps. The shame of it I guess...
I thought about how I would acquire the means and how long it might take, and it made me almost excited. I've been thinking about it one and off the a while, but today, this morning i really started to form a plan.
I guess, I'm held back by the slight fear I feel about death, and devastating my girlfriend. I'm being selfish, I know.
I feel like doing any sort of living is too much of a hassle. A small road bump in my life seems so agonizing to overcome. I know if i try i can, but not sure if i want to even try.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
HELP OMG I FEEL LIKE I'M DYING I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. IT'S BEEN 3 HOURS FEELING LIKE THIS. I'M GOING CRAZY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
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self.Anxiety
|
It’s official! I’m bipolar. Not sure where on the spectrum just yet but we’ll figure it out. Still lots to tell my pdoc. We added seroquel to my cocktail today. Supposed to calm my racing thoughts, stabilize my moods, help me sleep. Starting at 25 mg. I don’t like all these drugs but I hate bat-shit crazy even more. Is anybody around here able to stick with just 25 mg? Thoughts/experience with seroquel? Thx y’all.
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self.bipolar
|
Sometimes I feel like I'm not worthy to even cash a post about how I feel For some reason it feels wrong to post or talk about how I feel... I feel like I'm weak by doing so and that people will say shit about me because I'm so weak.... And even when I think about helping others, I feel like I'll cause more problems than actually help the person.....
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self.depression
|
I feel like school doesn't love me back. I'm currently enrolled in university. And I'm studying something that I don't particularly enjoy because I need to find a lucrative job when I graduate. I need a lucrative job because my parents don't make much. I go to a tech school, and I have always felt like I don't belong here. The culture, the courses, the staff members... They all look at me like a stranger here.
I've always been a person who can find good even in things I don't like. I always thought that with good intention and heart, you can get yourself to love anything. It just takes time and appreciation. This is the approach I had for my university and my studies until now.
Lately, school has been really straining me. Not just the studies, but also the entire culture in my school. I feel like I'm trying so hard to love my school, love its culture, and love the students who go here. I've been trying for 4 years. And it feels like no matter what I do, they don't love me back. I still feel like a stranger, my profs, staff members, and other students treat me like I don't belong here. It hurts when you try to love someone or something and there is nothing in response.
Maybe I'm crazy for trying to get something inanimate (school) to love me back. But at the moment, I feel betrayed, unloved, unwanted and unappreciated. School just feels like a cold, cold place no matter what I do. I love my school but it doesn't love me back.
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self.offmychest
|
Depression is coming back and I can feel it Hello /r/depression:
-
About 4 months ago, my significant other of 1 year suddenly broken things off with me when she decided to transfer schools, blocking me on all social media platforms and forms of communication.
Ever since then, I've been haunted on a regular basis with nightmares and dreams about her, and to be frank, I think I'm at my wit's end. I survived the initial period of shock during the first three weeks - I saw a therapist, even survived a suicide attempt. To preface this relationship: even though we only dated for a year, I've never spent as much time with someone outside of my immediate family. We lived together for a full year at university, both having made the conscious decision to be together and make it work - hell, I've never felt so comfortable with someone before, to the point of knowing that I'd marry her once I had the capacity to make it happen. But I'm in this limbo of knowing that I need to move on, yet am constantly in her presence within my mind. I don't have anything physical to remind me of her except for a present I was going to give her when we both returned to university - I'm planning on sending her this package on her birthday in January. I just want to be free from this suffering. I think I've come to terms with the fact that I love her from the bottom of my heart and that sending this present is selfish, but I genuinely believe she is worth fighting for. Maybe it's because her birthday is coming up, but I'm starting to see/feel the warning signs of my depression coming back after being relatively fine since the suicide incident.
Thanks for reading my post.
**TL;DR:** Abrupt breakup still haunting me 4 months later and I genuinely don't know what to do anymore.
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self.depression
|
I've been on Zoloft and Remeron for two weeks but having a severe uptake in suicidal thoughts [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Re-diagnosed Today I've spent the last 3 years being treated (off and on) for bipolar II. Today I saw a new pdoc who was absolutely wonderful. She explained medication options so I could help decide what I wanted to take. She asked tons of questions. She just generally spent a lot of time with me.
Then she asked about hypomanic symptoms, and once I told her she immediately said that was enough to diagnose me with type I, not type II.
That's why my medicine hasn't been working. That's why I haven't been able to hold down a job or function like I thought I should be able to. I wasn't being treated properly.
Just wanted to share because I'm in shock. This feels so life-changing to me, even though I already knew I had bipolar disorder of some kind.
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self.bipolar
|
I left it just too long that I missed my chance. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Was doing so well, then got triggered. Fuck this. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Does anyone else feel really bad for people who work dead end minimum wage jobs? I've worked 3 minimum wage jobs in the past few months. I just can't stand being treated like I'm replaceable and being worked to death for a small sum of money. I finally had enough and am looking at going back to a computer science degree that I dropped out on a year ago. This got me thinking, have any of you ever felt really bad for someone who has worked at a dead end job for 10+ years?
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self.depression
|
A poem I wrote Poem
I wrote this about 6 years ago, when i was about 14
I deserve no love, or friends who care,
All I deserve is but shame and despair,
And plenty pain and much misery.
I deserve no happiness or love of loyalty,
and only sad memories I will ever bare.
Only lonely songs shall ever be shared.
I deserve no love or friends who care,
all I deserve is but shame and despair.
I deserve all the devil's time,
To finally feel the wrath of my crime.
I have no reason to try,
Because as demon am I, I have to die.
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self.depression
|
Need to get this out of my head I know it's just a matter of time before I try kill myself again, hell it's already been almost 10 months. Do I just go for it? But what about my parents, I think it'd destroy them. They're good people who don't deserve that pain. I just want to stop feeling like this.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Need help getting over this I just got over a depressive phase was feeling pretty good then I had a job interview and I told myself I’d kill my self if I didn’t get it that’s how confident I was I didn’t get the job and now my depressive phase is back and far worse than before I know I can get another job but I wanted the job I interviewed for.....I really want to fucking die guys I really want to die and I’m really depressed and I’m all alone in this miserable city I don’t know what to do I’m just so sad I let myself get all excited about this job and now I’m not getting it
I don’t even know what to say I’m breaking down and I can’t stop myself
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self.bipolar
|
I'm 16 and looking at myself, already see an alcoholic LOL [deleted]
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self.depression
|
The only logical choice is to die I'm not gonna do it right now. I still live with my parents. I've spent a while not thinking these kinds of thoughts, but lately they've been slipping back in. I don't work consistently anymore so I have plenty of time for the thoughts to creep back in.
I spent so long trying to stop someone else from ending their own life that for a while, I forgot I wanted to end my own. The people I know IRL either can't or don't want to help. They shouldn't be expected to. I'm far too emotionally needy and toxic for it to be a healthy thing for anyone to help me.
I don't really know what else to do. The thoughts become so frequent and intense that it hurts worse than physical pain. I only think about death and nothing else. You'd do anything to make it stop after that long, just so the deluge in your head will stop.
I don't know where or how to get a good job, or to be healthy enough for a relationship. I had to end my relationship because of how toxic I was being.
I used to want to die so people would miss me, and maybe pay attention for once. I wanted people to notice me. That's not why I want to die now. I'm just tired of being this. I'm tired of watching my body slowly break down and not being able to do anything about it. I'm tired with my existence meaning nothing to anyone else. I'm tired of being a distraction or a substitute for what someone else really wants.
Seriously, please talk me out of eventually doing this. I want to be saved. I want to be stopped. Once both my grandparents are dead, I won't have any more reason to stay. I don't think I can last much longer after that. They've got another couple years in them. i want to believe that life is worth living. I've tried everything. I've applied for everything. I've lost everything.
All I'm ever given that's remotely helpful are methods of coping. They take hours to work but they do work. They make life just tolerable enough to deal with one more day. Tell me to exercise all you want, I've been working on that. Tell me to improve my diet, I've been doing that. Tell me to sleep more than a couple hours a night, I've been trying that. I know that there's no magic bullet that will fix me, that it would take years of working, but I don't know if I have the patience to work that long.
Nothing really scratches that itch, nothing fulfills me for very long. I don't really enjoy doing anything that pays. Anything I do enjoy can't be done for a living. I get told whenever I ask for help that I should be grateful for what I have. There's always such an easy goddamn fix for everything, apparently.
I'm alive until my grandparents die. They're already dealing with enough. They don't need that shame on their conscience. The rest of my family can go rot, I genuinely don't care how they react to it. It's what they fucking get for ignoring me, if anyone deserves to lose a child or a nephew it's them.
I can predict the exact reaction: mainly shock and a bit of surprise. They're not monsters, even if they dislike me. I haven't been very likable. I push away anyone who tries to get close to me. I'm pretty certain I've been emotionally abusive in both of my relationships without even meaning to. I've done a lot of unspeakable and unforgivable things in my own pain, and honestly death is too lenient of a punishment.
I keep trying to solve the equation in my head, knowing how a depressive mind works against itself. I keep trying to find a reason to live, knowing that my depressive mind won't let me, but also not being able to rationally think of anything. No one has an answer to that question. I'm never going to be successful in anything, I'll never be in another relationship, I've already pushed away my social group. All I've got to look forward to is more of the same while my body continues to degrade.
I'm not expecting anyone to read this. If you go through my post history I've been making posts like these for years. I'm used to being ignored. Being ignored is all I really know. Being loved or desired is a very foreign concept to me. You can't be either one without loving yourself, apparently. I don't know what'll make me stop feeling so goddamn empty all the time. I don't know how to stop envying everyone I know. I don't know how to stop being jealous of how well everyone else's lives seemingly are. I'm just consumed with all these emotions I can't control.
I go to therapy, but my therapist has been gone for the past three weeks and it's been driving me insane. I thought I was doing better for a while. But lately I've been slipping back into bad habits. I want to be held and yet it physically hurts if someone tries to. I can't be touched without recalling the past. It hurts more than anything else not being able to stop myself from closing off. It's like starving to death yet being convinced the food you're being offered is poison. Nothing I say makes any goddamn sense. I will die someday and the day that happens, whether naturally or by my own hand, nobody will notice. That terrifies me to no end, that I could just be gone and there will be no reaction, that I'm not sufficiently valuable to people. It can't be stopped. And so I want to die now so I don't have to keep anticipating it. I want to get it over with. I'm tired of dreading that moment.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Our distressing thoughts create our distressing emotions Yes, I'm talking about cognitive behavioral therapy. And yes, some of you are going to dismiss this outright because it doesn't match what is familiar or what we want to believe. That's fine. I'm just sharing this because I know a lot of us are probably just browsing around.
I tried CBT with a therapist for the past year, but I found that meeting even once weekly wasn't enough to make it stick, so I dismissed it or forgot about it. I knew I needed something more like a class - 5 hours per week, *really* immersing myself into the material - in order to reap any kind of consistent results.
So I went to my local bookstore's Psych section and found this book: [Teach Yourself Cognitive Behavioural Therapy](https://www.amazon.com/Cognitive-Behavioural-Therapy-CBT-Yourself/dp/1473607922/ref=pd_lpo_sbs_14_t_0?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=3RZ6K2T35F8TH64E4TTF)
I don't know. I have a lot of distressing emotions most days whether I'm depressed or hypomanic, and they absolutely color the reality around me. It usually appears as if it's my external circumstances and "my fucked up brain" that causes such distress - but this line of thinking is what is distressing; that as someone with bipolar, I don't have any power or agency over myself. But what's especially distressing is my mind going back-and-forth between this belief and believing in the inverse. Which one is the truth?
Reading the introduction to this book lowered my blood pressure within minutes. I figured that was enough to warrant a further read. I really appreciate books that are approachable and easy to understand, and that contain exercises where you have to pause, think, write, and really work to understand your own mind, but that also provides support along the way.
I just wanted to share this resource for anyone like me who comes on here for familiarity and support. If reading books is not for you and if you haven't found a decent therapist, I'm sure there are plenty of youtube videos on CBT that can be just as insightful.
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self.bipolar
|
Goal Setting Sunday 12.3.17 What goals would you like to accomplish this week? The rest of this year? Let's check in together on Saturday (and the end of the month respectively) and encourage each other in our efforts!
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self.bipolar
|
Tired of parents thinking cellphones is something that teens need and not a really big privilege that can be really dangerous for them. Having a cellphone gives you a lot of power that children should not have. This started with my little brother (17yo) who recently got caught for theft because of hanging out with his stupid friends. He keeps throwing parties and having all these terrible kids come to our house and keeps getting into trouble and doing drugs.
My father keeps saying he doesn't know what to do about this and I keep telling him to take away his cellphone. He told me he can't do that to his son acting like if a cellphone is equivalent to food/water/education. I remember when I was a kid, having a cellphone was a huge deal and meant having a lot of power to be able to communicate with any human at anytime and any place. Children should not be able to have this power. I remember when I was a kid, I never had a cellphone and having a cellphone and being able to call people was a very adult thing. Now things changed and I've seen kids as young as 6 or 7 holding iPhones. I do not understand the stupidity, both financially and morally of parents who decide to do this. It really pisses me off.
Edit: Wanted to add that I realize that maybe his rebellion is probably due to other factors, but until we figure his shit out, he should not have a cellphone.
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self.offmychest
|
If you agree with us that the memes, pets and pictures of pill bottles is getting old, join us in r/mentalhealthsupport. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
I really need to cry but just can’t All I can do is feel these negative emotions, but I can’t express them. I don’t know how. It’s usually a skill that people are just born with or learn at an early age, but I didn’t thanks to all the stupid things wrong with me. All I need is a long cry and I can’t even do that
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self.depression
|
Uncertainty about the future I don't know where my life is taking me. I feel average in almost every aspect, especially academically. I can only hope that I can somehow get out of this hole.
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self.depression
|
Hey, fuck me and kill me? I’d just like to clarify I’ve lost my mind. I literally can do anything. Especially now that I know I’ve got total control over my death. I’d just like to be fucked hard not by any of you fine laddies and gents of reddit, but by my life. It’s got a boner and it’s going up my ass. Better load up with protection cause I’m gonna infect this mother fucker. And no you ain’t my dad so stop acting like it I’ve left the groceries on the table.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Small Victory Saturday 11.11.17 / Goal Setting Sunday 11.12.17 Sorry I didn't get yesterday's post up, I had a date that went really well and I didn't expect her to stay over, so I didn't get to post before bed. What did you accomplish this last week and what do you want to achieve this week?
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self.bipolar
|
hello 💮 i only have one real friend. and I can’t get through the day without seeing him. I just feel like he doesn’t really care about me as much as he cares about others. I’m always the one he tells everything personal to but sometimes I just feel like he’s just way better than me and probably doesn’t even like me. :(
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self.depression
|
I get so depressed from working This year, I have had 5 different jobs.
The first I was at for a while, working during summer and winter breaks from college and then I just stayed for a while after graduating. I really disliked it because of the company itself, they just didn't treat their employees well and I figured that I should work in the field I studied, which is plant sciences. ...i realized it's super difficult to get a job in that field.
Anyway, my second job this year was working at a nursery. I figured I could get experience, but I hated it. I worked 54 hours a week with no overtime pay. I was miserable and felt like they were taking advantage of me, so I left.
Third job was at another nursery and I actually really liked this one. I was really just a cashier but I learned a lot about which plants grow best in what conditions. The other employees were super sweet and caring, it felt like a family and everyone was very close. I still felt crappy going in on some days, but this was by far my favorite job. It was only seasonal though, so I couldn't stay.
Fourth job was at another nursery which sold to Lowe's and Home Depot, big stores like that. My job title was assistant grower and I thought I would really be able to start a career. My first day, they had me pulling weeds with the interns. Second day, I was setting up tubes for indoor irrigation with the interns again. I just wasn't understanding why I was doing this when I my job was supposed to be assistant grower. I may have stayed longer, but the place was extremely dirty. The main bathroom didn't have soap and other smaller bathrooms around the facility didn't even have sinks. I ended up getting a really terrible UTI, I had the shakes when I got home, maybe I was being a baby but I figured I should put my health before a job even if it meant a career.
My fifth and current job is a barista at a local coffee shop. I used to really like working here but now I've really come to hate it. I don't agree with a lot of the things the manager/owner's significant other is doing. It's putting a lot of stress on us. She's already fired 5 employees just because she doesn't like their "attitude". Now we are down to three employees and she won't hire anyone else. Besides that, I get customers telling me they won't come into the shop when they see that she's here.
I feel like I mostly have problems with the management and how the business is run in most of my positions or maybe I'm just nitpicking, but it gets to the point where I'm crying every night and morning because I don't want to go to work. I'm scared that I'm always going to feel this way no matter what job I have. I just don't know what to do anymore..
|
self.depression
|
Idk what to do I honestly just don't know what to do. I haven't been depressed for about 6 months and I haven't had serious suicidal thoughts for a year. Two months ago my girlfriend, and the only reason I didn't kill myself last time I fought with depression, cheated on me. 2 weeks ago we broke up, and it just hit me today that we're never going to get back together. I just honestly want to die. I don't know how to function without having her or someone like her in my life.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm so happy I'm dying tomorrow That's it
I'm happy
I have set everything
No mistakes this time
Everything is set
After learning from failed attempts I'm so happy to learn how to finally end my pathetic existence
Edit: what happened. About last night.
Well, I didn't killed myself, obviously. I spent all day crying and feeling sorry for myself. I began self harming again after 15 years. The pain inside is so bad that the cuts don't hurt anymore. I tried reaching out for help and someone answered. He told me things as they were no sugarcoated. I opened about my struggles and I think that sent him away. Whatever.
I haven't eaten nor slept properly in days. I had something small to eat, showered, covered my cuts and tucked myself into bed. When I am very suicidal i watch a documentary that helps me hold back. I watched a lot of helpful videos.
I was in the middle of one when my dog, who is almost blind and can't walk properly, he appeared and got into my bed. I couldn't believe it. I had everything dark and just the light of my phone. I held him and cried. He stayed with me all night. I finally had some sleep. I'm still very depressed. There are some things that have happened that have unchained all these darkness. I don't know what's going to happen with myself. I have to work and put on a happy face and keep on pretending my life has some meaning when it's a lie. I'm exhausted. All my body hurts, my face is swollen and my wrists are really messed up. I'll keep it all in silence like always. I really wish I wasn't here.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
i'm so tired. I feel empty. I fucked up big today and i know it's going to affect my whole family for a long time. i don't want to wake up tomorrow. i don't want to see my family.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What does everyone take their Latuda with at night? I’m struggling to find things to eat that’s 350 calories before I go to bed.
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self.bipolar
|
How to manage overeating symptoms? I've noticed that I sometimes have issues of over spending and overeating when I'm getting hypomanic. I'll spend a lot on foood--mostly from nice-ish restaurants or delivery, and just eat an excessive amount.
What can I do to manage these symptoms? I feel like I'm not even hungry when I decide to eat, I'll just keep eating. I don't have binge eating or eating disorder problems, it's just sometimes I'll go through these phases of close to compulsive overeating.
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self.bipolar
|
Is there actually help if you go looking for it? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
kinda over it this whole week i’ve just felt empty, i almost killed myself but i was too tired to get up out of bed to get the pills. i wrote a suicide letter, i was ready. and i still am. i love my friends and family but when my depression consumes me nothing matters anymore. i’m not scared to die, im ready to go.
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self.depression
|
Please someone give me a job I live in South Texas and can't find work. I'm literally on the brink of just ending it all because I have no dignity. I have no money to take care of myself, I depend on others to occasionally get some cash.
The only thing I can do is honestly just sell my body and it kills me inside. I can't do anything else, I can't get hired. I'm tired there's no point in living if I can barely make it by. I let people control me because I have no other option.
Please someone give me a job. I just want to make money so I won't have to be taken advantage of. I want health insurance so I can heal my mental illness. Only way I can do that is to get a job. I applied to Wal-Mart, McDonalds and every single place near me. I didn't even get a call back.
I want to kill myself. This is no life to live.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Truth In life people will make assumptions, and judgements. However, we can never truly know what they’re going through or how they’re feeling. A smile does not always mean someone is happy. The girl that’s just skin and bones, fights the urge to eat and purge every single day. The kid covered in bruises isn’t just some troublemaker trying to be tough. But everyday he takes a beating from his alcoholic father to protect his mother and siblings. The teacher crying silently at her desk just found out the love of her life was killed in a horrific car crash. The guy with the track marks up and down his arms is fighting demons only he can see and hear. And the girl everyone keeps saying has the best life is actually thinking about killing her self when she gets home. The truth is terrifying. And people would rather assume and judge than learn the truth, because ultimately, they know they can’t handle it...
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self.depression
|
I'm completely unlikeable I'm sorry, I know it sounds self-pitying, but I'm just so alone and at such a loss for what to do and I wanted to get my feelings out. I just feel like I was born a mistake. I'm so ugly and awkward, I've been bullied in almost every grade and all they had to do was look at me. Even my first bully in 1st grade just looked at me and hated me. If they weren't bullying me they were scooting away.
I'm super quiet and creepy and never do anything, I can't hold a conversation no matter how many websites I go to for help, I always clam up and it comes out weird and unnatural, I never had more than two friends. I'm 19, never had a boyfriend or had anyone interested in me at all. My last friend (who was shy) wants nothing to do with me, always claiming to be busy when I try to make plans. I was too boring for her. Even when I contribute to things, I always feel like I'm expendable and could easily not be there. I seem to never have the majority opinion, and when I voice my opinion, there are usually insults or jabs thrown my way.
Everyone always complained about having to work with me. My family (particularly my mom and sister) criticizes me for what I wear and like. It just feels like they have to deal with me. One of cousins even forgot that I was showing up to my sister's graduation My 5-year-old cousin shows blatant favoritism towards my sister. I could tell by his voice that he was reluctant to hug me. I don't blame him, he knows a boring sack of shit when he sees one.
I keep trying to be likeable, but it always seems so forced and awkward, and people can tell. And I just keep fading into the background. Interactions have always been unnatural to me, I just don't really know how to have a conversation, and I don't think I can do much about being ugly. I just hope people in the future aren't repuled by me as soon as they see me. I'm losing hope. I feel like I'll be this boring thing that gets dragged around forever. I don't to face my relatives again. I can't commit suicide, but I feel like if I died, my family would get over it quick. It won't seem like much has changed. And they have my sister, after all.
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self.depression
|
My fucking roommate Just need to get this off my chest. I would say work around the house is done about 70:30 split between us and I feel like I'm being generous with that statement. There are two bowls and we stick with one each. Last night he used my bowl because it didn't need cleaning and didn't wash up either after.
What annoys me is his reaction when I bring this up. I've now upset him for the rest of the day. How dare I? I know how upset he gets if I bring things up in a text message. Also if I bring them up in person then he can shout at me till I give up, at least then I've given him the opportunity to defend himself.
I'm getting sick of it. I don't know how to approach him. He's my best friend, but tell him he needs to do something and oh boy are you in shit. This just means he takes advantage, although I don't feel like he intends on me doing the work. He just doesn't want to himself.
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self.offmychest
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