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Saw this mood crash coming but I guess the fact is I’ll never get used to it and each crash will always feel as torturing as it’s always been..
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self.bipolar
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Feeling sick and anxious. I feel like I’m gonna explode. I need to cry or something
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self.Anxiety
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Circadian clock is increasingly recognized as an important factor in psychiatric diseases. A new review on human and mouse data. http://onlinelibrary.wiley.com/doi/10.1002/ajmg.b.32599/abstract
https://twitter.com/satchinpanda/status/930475876512174080
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self.bipolar
|
Guys, how do you find the motivation to get up every morning for work/school? I feel dead as soon as I wake up. Money doesn't motivate me, grades don't either because I just don't care.
How do I do it? I'm too weak
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self.depression
|
Lamotrigine alternatives Anyone have any experience switching from lamotrigine to something better?
I have been on lamotrigine for several years and it seems like it kept my mood swings in check for a while but now not so much. I have been on 200, down to 50, and back up to 100. Did NOT like 200 mg because of shaking/nervousness.
My moods have been pretty wild for a while, extreme spells of depression, anger, and excitement. The doctor wants to take me to a higher dose, which again, I didn't like and don't want to do. I'm also hesitant to switch because the adjustment is a pain in the ass and then the med may not even be a good fit (hated zoloft). There was a recommendation for a different med, I can't remember the name (probably will if someone says it), but after looking it up it I found it causes extreme withdrawals- not interested in that either.
Anyone have a similar experience and find something better?
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self.bipolar
|
Maybe this'll help someone, it helped me a ton. "Being hard on a depressed person for not reaching their full potential is like being upset with someone in a wheelchair for not getting up a staircase. Treat yourself like you would treat a friend." Importantly, it's the last part. It can be applicable to anything, depression, anxiety, all of that. For example, pretend one of your close friends is going through what you're going through right now... what would you tell them?
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self.Anxiety
|
Anyone else hoping that completely fictional characters exist somewhere? Sometimes I get really attached to fictional characters so I always beat this thought in my head once a show/anime that made me feel so - **just that way you know** - ends.
For example:
I loved Avatar: The Last Airbender as a kid and never watched the sequel until now.
Finished watching The Legend Of Korra and I'm planning to watch the first Avatar series again, but just the thought of finishing it and getting the "connection" cut off to the characters makes me hesistate since it is like an invitation for my depression to come back on periods of feeling ok and fuck me up real good. (wow, long sentence) Like it happened with TLOK.
Huh, maybe it's just because they have that tight and great friendship. And are able to bend. And have cute flying bisons. And everything bad turns out good eventually. And are relevant for their world and it's well being. + the cool spiritual world and the ghosts.
yeah
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self.depression
|
Why does everyone hate me? I feel like everyone is hating me. Why? Because i am poor. They say always i am lazy moochers i should get a good job, good education and not complain about poverty because they say i''m just lazy. But itsn ot that easy to get a good education and even harder to get a good job. Why do they say such things? I often feel complete useless and i just want to kill myself because i am a poor loser. What should i do?
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self.SuicideWatch
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mad me I stopped feeling any emotion like earlier if my mom got in trouble i used to get nervous but now my reaction is normal no matter what is happening😕what is it ?
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self.depression
|
Document I wrote 1 year after meeting my girlfriend, now my wife. Together 8 years now. Still feel the same. Would never tell her. (self.SuicideWatch) Document I wrote 1 year after meeting my girlfriend, now my wife. Together 8 years now. Still feel the same. Would never tell her.
"Is the purpose of life selfish or selfless?
From an outside perspective (my outside perspective), it seems selfish. People live to make the best of their lives, for the outcome of most happiness. It can be superficial, i.e. monetary gains, material items, and showmanship. Or it can be deeper. Maybe, doing what truly makes one happy. Hobbies like woodworking, photography, and parenting. These are thing without much material or monetary gain, yet instill more of that “happiness” feeling.
The more depressing side would be the selfless aspect. I feel my purpose is selfless, for I am not usually “happy” nor do I expect to be. But the woman I love and will marry adores me and, quite possibly, cannot live without me. I can give or take my life. I am impartial to the whole idea. What I cannot do though, is take my life knowing that I will ruin hers. It would crush her.
So is my slugging through life to keep someone happy, selfless? Doesn’t sound too redeeming. Sounds more cowardly. In the long run, would she be better off suffering right now and progressing soon after? Or sticking with me being selfishly selfless and keeping her “happy”, ultimately resulting in doubt and unhappiness? Is it selfish for me to be continuing to think I am helping her? On the surface we may both perceive it as help, but is it? I sometimes feel I am more of a hindrance."
The above quote sounds so dramatic and immature but that's how I feel and have felt. I am 33 and have a good job, so many people have it far worse than I. I feel embarrassed, couldn't tell anyone I know about how I am.
My first suicidal though was 3rd grade, too young in my opinion, and they have never stopped. My wife and my family are why I haven't done it. The idea that one person's actions could have such an effect on so many peoples lives.
Long time browser of reddit. First time poster. Also, posted on r/suicidewatch but not sure if that was the right place.
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self.depression
|
Looking for advice and help I have been struggling with what I think is depression for about 7 years now. I have never been formally diagnosed but I am certain that is why I feel the way I do. Life has no appeal to me anymore, I don't know who I am and I feel scared. I am a 27 year old Male with a wife and 3 small children. I would have killed myself years ago but I love my boys so much I can't bear the thought of them having to live without a father. In the past this has helped keep my actions at bay, but lately I feel like it doesn't matter anymore. My mother suffered from severe depression most of my life and it was so awful to have to live with. She was never happy no matter how many hugs or kind words we gave her. I only have one memory of her being happy during my childhood and I would hate for my children to have the same memories of me. The thought of not existing sounds so peaceful to me. For my kids sake I want to give it another chance I don't want them to think I didn't exhaust all options and that I gave up without trying. Giving up is something I cannot deal with, losing the battle on another hand is acceptable. I have trouble sleeping, I am tired all the time, I am so anxious I feel like I cant breathe and that people are watching me, I see things that don't exist and I fantasize about suicide; it possesses my mind.
I have never been to a doctor in my life other than childhood vaccinations. We grew up very poor and even when I broke a few fingers my parents never took me to the doctor. Now that I am an adult I don't even know where to start. How would I get a doctor to talk to about this? Are there any services out there that could help me? I don't have much money so going to a doctor or other type of group might not be possible. Thank you.
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self.depression
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Suicidal thoughts are back and I don't think my family and friends would believe me. Help
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My best friend broke my heart (Please help) I don't know how to say this or how to begin to describe it but as it says, I need to get this out of my chest.
I have been friends with this girl for about ten years now. We started out as RPG partners, creating stories together and such. I was always heading up the stories, having the grander plot ideas and trying to make it fun for her. But we had a bit of a falling out back in the day because she had turned very selfish and demanding as hell and I sort of blocked her from my life so I could study and get into college.
So, fast forward to 2011, and we rekindled our friendship and we sort of clicked. It was a magical time in your friendship and I sort of platonically fell for her. She wasn't like she had been before. She had, and has, many beautiful ideas, she was involved and imaginative - which I admire and love, as writer - but most importantly, she liked me. Or she acted like she liked me. And that made me like her a lot.
I have to confess that that is a sort of precious thing to me because I come from a rather emotionally abusive household were I'm always at the cusp of being liked if I weren't -insert problem of day here-. My father is both physically and emotionally abusive and my mother was neglectful at best and approved at the worst. So a person liking me for me is a precious, precious thing in my life.
And I am aware of how pathetic that is.
So, for about six years, from my point of view, we were acting as friends should, we laughed, we shared, we created together; I went to visit her while I lived in the other side of the country and so on and she sent me presents. We fought too, but hey, friends fight, amirgiht?
And yeah, was I mature adults about it? No. Because I wasn't an adult. I was a stupid kid from an abusive household. But I always apologized and she always said she'd forgiven me. That is, until one day, she told me I had been emotionally and psychologically abusing her and I had ruined her life.
It was a complete shock as many can imagine because I did not mean to abuse ANYONE. And I did not know what to do. And apparently, I did all the wrong things. And so I begged her, pleaded her to tell me what to do so I could like, not be abusive and so she'd forgive me. And so she did and we moved on from then.
But the things I began to learn from that night on was that she had put me on this pedestal, like a effed up god, and just misinterpreted everything I had done for those six years. Like, every time I would ask her, as a friend, to text me when she got home - we live in Brazil and she lives in São Paulo which is notorious violent - she'd think I was out to control her life. If I disagreed with something her girlfriend said, as stupid as it was, that meant I was trying to control her life and was the reason they broke up (and not that her girlfriend was a pampered jerk that refused to read Foucault or Heidegger because they were -gasp- men).
So I confronted her about it and we fought again. And again. And again. But this was not the part where she broke my heart. This was the beginning of it.
Because after everyone if these confrontations and discussions, she'd get more and more selfish; more cruel towards me; more egocentric and dismissive. She would beat me down and vilify me to the point that I was apologizing and she never did. She would be little me and gave me body image issues. She'd mock me for creating expectations on our friendship and then blame me for putting her on the spot when she wouldn't fulfill her promises.
And because I was brought up with a lot o catholic guilt, I took it. I mean, I was abusive towards my best friend; maybe this was a way not to be abusive, right?
Fast forward a year and I gathered up my courage to demand a promise she had made me for my birthday, the only gift I wanted from her. She tore my head off for even bringing it up. She accused me of being a tyrant, of destroying her life and suffocating her. She accused me of so many vile and unfair things that I can't put into words right now because it hurts to think about them. And she said she needed time to think about if I was worthy of being her friend or not. I was so stunned, I said fine, not noticing how deep I was hurt. I blocked her in all my social media and tried not to cry too hard. After all, she had ingrained in me that I deserved this.
Then, a week later, she was sending me shit and talking like it never happened.
When I approached her to ask what the hell, she gave me some lame excuse (I see it was now) and told me that we could be friends, but I couldn't be like I was and expect so much of her and whatever. I said fine, because I do like her a lot and considered, at the time, my best friend, and asked never to do that again. She promised she wouldn't.
So imagine my surprise when it happened again and all because I mentioned the Batman story "Mad Love" as a comparison to one of her stories.
The bad thing about having best friends is that you chose to be vulnerable and you open up to them. You pour your heart to these people because you chose them. You like them. You love them. They know you in ways that few people do and they know exactly where you hurt.
My friend knew that I am so insecure about people liking me, and so she said that she never liked me. Ever. She said that I was always irritating to her and that I was like a weight on her back. She hated every time I sent her a message and even though she had been the one hurting me and being abusive to me for two years now, I was the one being abusive towards her.
My friend knew that, because of my dad, I have terrible anxiety of being insufficient and she told me, to my face, that no matter how much I changed, I would never be good enough.
My friend knew that I had chosen her to be part of my rag team of a found family and she told me that she didn't want to be. She didn't want to be my friend anymore and then she blocked me and dropped.
That was when she broke my heart.
And I'm not ok.
It was so brutal and cruel that to this day, I have nightmares. I have panic attacks and anxiety episodes. I have this pain in my chest that will not go away and in the week after that, I couldn’t keep food down. Sometimes I still can't.
I sent her an email, though, detailing how abusive she had been and how she had wronged me and then she started talking to me again. Acting like nothing had happened, again. And I feel myself getting worse.
Today, I told her I couldn't keep this up and gave her a list me and my shrink made about ways she could be better to me and she told me she had to think about it.
She had to think about being a decent friend; a decent person towards me.
I need help.
Please, I need help.
Because I like this person, I truly do. I know it’s wrong and I know I would be better off but I like her and I feel like I'll never find someone I'll ever click as well as with her. I felt, for the longest while, that we'd be like Terry Prachett and Neil Gaiman, or Lennon and McCartney, you know? She inspires me a lot. But she's hurting me so much.
What do I do?
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self.offmychest
|
alone Alone doing blow, had a bad week. I am usually a happy guy and am known by my friends as the guy who never has a bad time. My luck has not been on my side and I am just getting wrecked alone. Just wanted to let everyone know that even if you go through times like the one I am going through now, hurting yourself is never the answer. Life is more precious than anything and even tough times cannot take that away. It's okay to be sad sometimes, just never forget that the highs of life outweigh the lows and it's not even close. If anyone needs someone to talk to during a tough time PM me. If your sadness is extended over long periods of time don't be afraid to see a mental health professional. We as a society need to stop the stigma against mental illness. About 20% of adults deal with mental illness at one point or another in their life. It's totally okay to not be okay.
Tl;dr being sad is okay and normal, just stay safe and understand that life is always precious. Lastly, people care about you for the love of god, if you think they don't just let someone know how you feel when you're down and they will show you without a doubt.
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self.depression
|
Recently got back on meds...I've been high functioning off of meds for 6 years. Whoah As the title suggests, I recently decided to get back on meds. Doc is slowly putting me back on Lamictal until we get to a comfortable maintenance dose.
For the past 6 years I've been off of medication and I've self medicated with weed, working out 6 days a week, eating healthy, and abstaining from alcohol. I meditate, and focus a lot on self care and self awareness.
Lately I've been sitting in bed all day unable to function and the depression portion of my illness has damn near debilitated me. The lack of motivation to do anything coupled with my WANT to do something caused me to try meds again.
It hasn't been very long, but I've even had friends tell me they see a difference. I'm much more relaxed, calm, and apparently I'm easier to talk to.
I legitimately thought I was fine and doing a good job off of medication and I realize now that there was a lot of room for improvement. Has anyone else experienced this? I'm looking forward to being even more stable than before and think this could be a good thing.
I'm skeptical because in my head medication is destructive and the opposite of natural/healthy. The last thing I want to do is introduce a harsh chemical substance to my body and have some bad long term side effects. Are meds bad for BP2? Is it something I need? Hmm
Thanks for reading!
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self.bipolar
|
My parents think I attempted suicide just to get what I want. Yeah, I attempted suicide because I wanted to die and escape from everything that you guys were forcing me to do. That is what I wanted. Not to "attempt" and get an excuse to move out and stop going to the meetings.
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self.offmychest
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Thank You Just wanted to give a huge Thank You to all of you In this sub reddit. I've dealt with anxiety for as long as I can remember and this year it started up again really bad after a good friend committed suicide, I then lost my job and my wife got pregnant around the same time. So I had many different emotions going on at one time.
Reading how others dealt with their own struggles and anxiety really helped me get a hold of my anxiety once again. I'm able to sleep well, work and enjoy life once again. If anyone needs someone to talk to and just someone who will listen please feel free to reach out to me.
Thank You Community!
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self.Anxiety
|
I got drunk last night and now I cant stop thinking of killing myself I went to a house party and got drunk while on effexor. I really want to end my life im nothing but a waist of flesh and skin unable to truly connect with people.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Eating lunch I work at a local grocery store that as a small break room. I was eating my lunch on my hour break when a coworker comes in on his 15 minuet break, he eats his snack and leaves turning out the lights not realizing I was there so I just ate my lunch in the dark. I cried softly after I was done eating.
I have only a couple of friends and they rarely hang out with me anymore. I’ve asked them to but it never happens. I feel so worthless and alone. I don’t understand why no one likes me
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self.depression
|
I'm not feeling good. it started with one minor trigger and now I just feel horrible. I guess I just need a virtual hug or some kind of support idk. My day was going okay, until a meeting at work. I made an honest mistake at the start of the meeting. my boss wasn't there, so for all I know, nobody will ever find out about it, but I was humiliated. Plus the adrenaline of presenting (while positive and stimulating) just left me with this horrible drained feeling after. Now, hours later, I feel weirdly nauseous, unseasy, and tired. I feel anxious about EVERYTHING, suddenly, even things not related to the meeting or my mistake. Suddenly Im worried about my health, my husband, my friends, my appearance...literally everything.
Why do I have to have anxiety lol
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self.Anxiety
|
Can’t tell if I’m depressed and I want to be happy, or if I’m happy and want to be depressed. I don’t know maybe I’m just a cynic.
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self.depression
|
What do I need to do before I commit? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I attempted suicide.. now my boyfriend is really upset and heart broken [deleted]
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self.depression
|
to die or not die? This question runs through my head almost everyday. I have yet to find worth in myself. I see a man who will never be enough for a woman he loved. A man who can not express is sorrow for those he lost or for the battle that rages forth in his mind. She tells me i am stupid. I try to tell her i have a hard grasp on words. I have tried to make my feelings clear and i am told i am just a baby. when the depression hits i have to hide the signs or i am given "tough love" in the form of being hit and beaten by her. i want to be accepted. i want freedom for me. i do not want my daughter to see a broken man. a man? i barely consider myself one withthe lies she puts in my head. tell a lie long enough and people start to believe it and thats where my head is going. My heart that i once wore proud on my sleeve has been torn and i am falling apart. how much more of the demons inside can i take??
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self.depression
|
I’m 16 and I feel like the world is falling apart but no one seems to be concerned I’ve been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and depression. I’m on medication. I normally see a therapist but we’ve been on a break for the last few months, although we’re restarting today.
I feel like I’m falling apart internally. I constantly have a pain in my chest from the sadness. I’ve lost all my motivation and have to convince myself to get out of bed. I frequently look through the medicine cabinet and google how much of all the medications i would need to take to overdose. I’ve cut my thigh before and I’ve starting cutting my wrist, but not deep enough to scar.
The only really good thing in my life is my school. I love my teachers and my classmates, and I look forward to going.
I feel miserable at home. I feel bored and unmotivated. I don’t want to do anything because nothing sounds like fun. I get really angry with people and then I get really sad that they don’t want to be with me.
I’ve started ripping off my toenails and picking at the skin on my feet out of boredom but also because the pain distracts me from everything.
I have passions, I have hopes. I want to start an Etsy store and make crafts. But I feel like it would never work.
I’m just absolutely miserable right now. But I’m really good at masking it. I told my mom the other night that I didn’t feel safe because I was so sad and she told me I’d be fine and left the room. I stayed up all night considering sneaking out and jumping off a bridge.
It’s weird because I’m able to be stable at school but when I get home I feel like I’m being suffocated. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today. I want more help. I want better medication, I want to be fixed. But I don’t know what to say. Once I leave he house I feel fine and I don’t feel the need to ask for help.
Nothing bad has occurred in my house. No drama or trauma of any kind. I don’t understand what’s happening.
tl;dr: I feel fine emotionally whenever I’m in public or at school. I feel miserable at home and frequently consider suicide and self harm. I get mood swings and alienate my family because of them. I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today and I want to be taken seriously. How do I best explain to him what’s going on? How do I get him to help me?
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self.depression
|
Currently at prom.. So im at prom right now and I was fine at first, But I can feel a massive panic / anxiety attack coming on. Feels like I’m literally in pain... The first hour isn’t even over yet. This is only exasperated by the fact that I’m alone (and sitting alone). God help me
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self.depression
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Persistence with no reward You know, sometimes I think about if what I'm doing is worth it, or if my intentions are right, if I'm making a big deal of nothing, or if my end goal is selfish. And I realized tonight that I really think what I'm doing must be done because nobody can rationalize any benefits from going against a vice president. There is no personal gain I receive from this. There is no way I somehow "win" this situation. No money, no recognition, no nothing. In fact, everything points me to just leave it. But I don't. I can't and I won't. Because this isn't for me, this is because things are unfair and unjust for other people, but nobody has the fucking balls to speak up because they want to keep their job, they want security, they don't want to risk having to live in a work environment where people think less of you for not keeping your head down.
Every single day, I work within hearing range of my 3 biggest stress triggers. I walk by you every day, both of us avoiding any kind of contact with each other. But I can put up with it for now. I can make it. I need to make it until I can see justice. So I will. I will act as though all is perfect for now.
I have nothing to lose, but you have everything.
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self.offmychest
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Where are you from? Hi. Im from Detroit Michigan. Where are you from?
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self.depression
|
I'm finally ready to take my driving course! I'm 31 and I will be 32 by the time I get my license. I have been ridiculed my whole life for not getting it when I was 16 like everyone else. I don't know exactly what stopped me from getting it but I just couldn't. I couldn't.
If just happened one day randomly I felt this urge! It was crazy strong and made me sick to my stomach with excitement!! It's time for me to learn.
My biggest fear is that it takes a long time to get it here; Like over a year almost, and that I will lose the feeling and get stuck somewhere in the middle or give up.
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self.offmychest
|
i will never be free from xanax addiction bank in january i hit rock bottom when it came to substance abuse, i was taking ridculous amounts of xanax and drinking a lot of alcohol, smoking a lot of weed, and taking a lot of lsd.
after ruining friendshps and relationships i decided enough was enough and stopped.
since then i drastically cut down on xanax and alchol, till i was never driking, not even a beer with dinner. i tappered myself off xanax and was only taking them very irregularly and in small doses. i havent even smoked weed in just ove two months.
but then i came across some xanax and figured why not, and now here i am 10 bars deep, 4 days into a binge. i hate myself for it. i hate myself sober and i hate mself high. i hate myself.
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self.offmychest
|
Even a hug would drive me to tears... ...My mom hugged me today, after I told her I feel nauseated before going to work and I swear I could feel myself on the verge of tears.
I just want a hug. I wonder if people realize that affection or skin-contact starvation is a real thing. I haven't hugged anyone or been hugged in so long that I think I've actually forgotten how to react.
I'd either freeze up stiff, or just crumble into a heap of hot tears down my face.
I'm such a fucking embarrassment.
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self.offmychest
|
This weekend I was reminded of the wonderful support system I have around me, and that includes you all. Happy holidays everybody!
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self.bipolar
|
I feel like the rattling tracks as a train passes by in full speed [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I started Writing Poetry To Help With My Anxiety. This One is A conversation I Recently had with my disorder **Progress**
Hey; that’s the way I might greet a good friend
But they see you as neither friend nor good
And usually, even now I tend
To agree with them; You know what you’ve done
Sometimes I truly think you mean no harm,
But to help me get through what approches.
I beg you don’t raise your piercing alarm.
You ignore me; you must know more than I.
The thing is, you do not know better than
My judgement, really, I swear to you and
That’s why I think I must finally ban
You away for good; I hope I don’t miss you.
Funny how you still cause me to worry
Even as you fade. You are truly something.
I'm hoping reading this might help some of you. I've found that treating your anxiety like someone you can have a conversation with really helps. Maybe give it a try or even try writing like I have. It's really helping and I hope it might help or inspire anyone here. Stay positive guys!
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self.Anxiety
|
Why do I have to take an anti depressant to be happy The only thing that makes me happy is my anti depressant. Not my achievement. Not my friends. Not my family. The only thing that leaves me happy is my anti-depressant. And that makes me really sad. I wish other things made me happy
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self.depression
|
Anyone has that feeling of no emotions at all? I cannot cry. I tried. The only emotions is sadness and anxiety.
I finally met a psychatrist next week. I feel like everyone else feels all the time when i listen to music.
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self.depression
|
Last was probably the second most mad I've ever been in my life. Last night was the second most maddest I have ever been in my whole entire life. I went to a random womans house after being invited by her at the bar.
It all started with this one guy, who wanterd to be the alpha and was clearly chapped that I was invited. Saying stupd comments and all around acting douchey to everyone.
Then it started.
Everyone was argueing and it literally could have been high school the way these people were acting. I had befriended this guy name ben, and at one partictular part of the night he said he needed to go and get a pack of smokes which was outside in his car which i quickly asked if i could come out and get away from the chaos
Then the one douche I reffered to as the alpha wannabe comes out and says we need to leave and GTFO. Me being confused, I didnt know what the hell was going on. They thought we were going to go do drugs in his car, despite him being in his car at the passenger side, and me standing infront of the car waiting for him.
Then it went deeper.
Defining me as scum [things I did that harmed me and the ones close to me. I was a fentanyl and heroin addict. They didn't know anything, just assumed.] saying this saying that about me, also saying I was "high" because of my pupils being small [I take suboxone and yes,it dialates my pupils], then SHOWING them my suboxone prescription to prove them wrong. But the damage was already done so I just left. This had humiliated me in front of everyone.
I then only find out the same person [fucking get this] stole 2 packs of fucking smokes from me.
That was by far, the second most mad [first, I was dumbfounded] I have ever been in my life. If i had known they were gone, at the time, peoples heads would have been falling off. It happened when I was getting a grand tour of her house with some others through out the house [I think and by the only other guest at the house. That is when alpha douche went for the kill on smokes. To make things clear, he was the only one not to come on the grand tour [left my bag downstairs].
My trust is slowly fading away and its not healthy.
I have been sober from Opiates but managing with suboxone for the past ten months. Knowing this and then being treated how I was made me so mad that it made me cry. I am a fully grown 28 year old male by the way if u guys care to know.
Knowing that this shit [opiates] is still effecting my life even though I am not doing it broke me.
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self.offmychest
|
I'm talking to my boss tomorrow and I'm scared as fuck. I've been at the same shitty job for a year and a few months.
Its a very small mom and pop operation. I do basic office work in an office of about 10 people.
The main manager doesn't like anyone and put his sights on me. When the rest of the office wants to chat or go out for a smoke break (or 20) I'm forced to do more work.
I'm fine with that, but now I do the job of 3 people and I make minimum wage. I'm the highest educated person there since I completed college.
I try to prioritize but I'm always told I'm not working hard enough.
I've even found out the manager set me up for failure a few times. For example: I've seen him at my desk, taking a few files. Then later he will ask me where said files were. When I confront him, he flips saying he was never at my desk and must have lost those files.
It's happened a few times with other tasks, I've went to the main boss about this but he brushes me off.
Example, my boss asked me how long does it take to do XYZ task. I said 5 minutes. He made someone TIME me AND look over my bathroom breaks. "An email takes 3 seconds to write and send out? Too bad! You better make it 1 second!"
I'm going to the boss of the place tomorrow and tell him I'm not happy. Ask him why am I the only one who was threatened if I don't answer the phone on 1 ring? That I'm not standing for the bullying. That I apparently need the job of 2 people at most because I AM ONLY ONE PERSON AND HAVE 2 HANDS.
I'm afraid he will just say "I don't like your attitude" and send me home without pay.
I would love for him to terminate me but I've heard he doesn't terminate because he won't pay unemployment.
What are my options if he sends me home?
I don't want to jump to quitting, but it seems like thats,the only option. I've been applying to jobs every single day.
Plus I'm terrified, I don't like confrontation but I guess I need to "grow a pair".
Please give me your opinion. Thanks for reading.
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self.offmychest
|
“Friends” I had a friend whom also suffers with depression, and we were really close. I would tell her about what I was feeling, and she would tell me about her feelings and we would both feel better because we were able to get some stuff off of our chests. It was nice knowing someone knew how I felt and cared about me enough to talk through it with me. She recently got some friends that she hangs out with more than me, and I started seeing her and talking to her a lot less. Today I tried to tell her how I was feeling and she told me to stop coming to her. Didn’t give me a reason, just told me to stop. Her talks were one of the only things that kept me going. It really helped to talk with someone about my problems in a judgement free zone. Now I am alone in my head, with my thoughts. Everyone at r/depression, you are the only people that I can tell about any of the shit that goes on in my head anymore. Thank you for being here.
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self.depression
|
Mania feels This past couple of years have been a total roller coaster for me. I feel for everyone around me, really. I rapid cycled every month or two into a pretty serious swing constantly. Back in 2015 I was in the hospital for trying to drive my car off an overpass and just crashing and having to admit to the other psychiatrists I work with that I probably shouldn't be doing this job, considering I'm unwell myself (I was a psychiatric NP). So either get arrested or go to the hospital...there I sat in scrubs for a few weeks. Got my meds fixed, all was well, and then 2 months later found out we were pregnant! With quadruplets. I'm not fucking joking, you can't make this shit up. They're all alive and well at 14 months old. "Quadlers" as I call them, now.
So. The meds are harmful for one baby. Even more dangerous for 4 considering preterm labor and yadda yadda. So I was taken off. I fought the suicidal thoughts and the irritability and the buzzing electric vibes pulsing through my bones for 7 months and they were born early and everything was fine, right? Wrong. Hormones fucking ruined my med regimine I had spent 10 years trying to get right and nothing was working so on came the psychosis. So then I'm a new mom of 4 going back and forth to the hospital to see them recover and pretending I'm great with news people wanting to flash cameras in my face constantly and my delusions turn into the "Truman Show" delusion. I was convinced my "in the bubble" reality got SO interesting that the cameras needed to come inside and break the sham of hiding they were filming me, so I began checking for cameras everywhere. Thinking I was being tailed. Then I started the auditory hallucinations of laugh tracks and clapping when I did something silly or a crowd saying "Awwww!" When one of the girls did something cute. I was really in too deep. And then the anger and the rage and I felt like NO one believed me.
Then depression swept over like a warm, weighted blanket and smothered me for so long. My husband's father was suddenly diagnosed with cancer and died within 3 weeks and I, being the family nurse, inherited all the medications to save or discard. Which left me with a huge temptation to scrape and shoot a 100mcg fentanyl patch I kept stashed in my makeup bag with an insulin syringe for several months. I would dream of the sleepy nod and the iron taste in my mouth and the forever nothingness. But then be wracked with guilt imagining my girls being in kindergarten and someone saying, "those braids are so pretty, did your mommy do those for all of you?" And they'd have to say "We don't have a mommy. She's dead." And I'd put it back for another rainy day.
I lost my career. My so-called friends thought I was too depressing and got tired of me calling them out for ghosting when I asked to talk. Friends who I had helped in crisis situations. Most of my immediate family is scared of me thinking I'm dangerous because I'm mentally ill or that it's only a matter of time before they lose me so they should say goodbye now. Im like a loose canon but I get so convinced that I am seeing clearly finally that I start aggressively telling people the bad shit about them and stopping the social niceties. It really puts people off to be called out of bad behavior.
I feel like a truth crusader or something. So dumb.
But I got back on the treatment wagon a month ago. My husband never gave up on me. He would let me cry about nothing. Listen to me ramble about unzipping a 3rd dimension and peaking inside and telling him things "Only I can know." He would bring me water and my favorite things when I couldn't get out of bed. Run a bath for me and make sure I was clean. Never judging. And honestly, he'd even said if one day I choose to go, to say goodbye first. I remembered that and I wasn't prepared to do it yet. It's a promise I would keep to someone so good to me.
2018. A new med regimine. Still tapering up and in another 2 weeks will be at max doses, finally feeling like I can make it. I still am swinging back and forth from high to low but the pendulum has slowed sooo far down I almost wonder, is this what it's almost like to feel normal? I haven't been this way in about 12 years. I've been so, so tired. Thank you for taking the time to read this if you made it this far. I really have nothing left but my husband and my pretty girls to start over with, but I'm hoping to hold on to my mind this year. I missed myself.
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self.bipolar
|
Scared Mom. When will I be heard? Lies, Manipulation, Sex Addiction, Sex Offenders... My child’s father left last year due to a “sex addiction” he has had made little attempt to see our daughter. He recently rekindled a relationship with an old flame that has a child with his cousin. He’s actively raising her daughter. But hasn’t seen ours in 3 months. He lives with a repeat sex offender, and keeps trying to get visitation around his father who is also a repeat sex offender. I’m so worried for my daughters safety!!! She’s only 1 1/2, she can’t even talk yet.
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self.offmychest
|
Insomnia Due to Anxiety; Really Want To Deal With It Without Drugs I've always been the kind of person who worries a lot about all kinds of stuff, and that has historically affected my sleep a little, but I never had trouble sleeping on the long haul - if I had to pull an all-nighter for a college exam or if I slept little due to a tough day of work ahead, I could always recoup the lost time 1-2 days later.
Not this time around, though. I'm on my last year of grad school, and for the Fall 2017 semester I decided to simultaneously work on my year-long thesis, take an extra course to relieve pressure later and apply to as many full-time jobs out of school as possible. I wasn't working part-time so I thought I could handle the load just fine, but my anxiety went off the charts in late November when I had to juggle multiple interviews, term projects and thesis resets at the same time. I thought I could just man-mode with little sleep until I did my last interview for the year so I could relax and shift gears to focus almost exclusively on my thesis. Alas, for two weeks I got what I thought was virtually no sleep, averaging maybe four hours a night and never getting more than 7 hours. But things got a lot worse. Even after things I had slowed down, my anxiety remained crazy high - I wondered whether I had bombed my interviews, whether my thesis was worth anything, whether it was worth to sacrifice some grades to put in time into other things. I started getting literally getting no sleep - waking up after <1 hour of dreaming, sweating uncontrollably while trying to shut off my brain, throat suddenly going so dry I have to fetch water, everything that could possibly hurt hurting the closer I think I am to sleeping. This pattern has lasted for over a month now and I experienced it as of last night.
At first I tried to self-medicate. During the 2 weeks mayhem, I first tried Passionflower, which didn't do much. Then I tried out 50 mg Diphenhydramine Hydrochloride (Benadryl). I think this made things way worse; the sedation effect made me believe I was dying and my body fought every inch to stay awake, and it "succeeded'. It was fucking awful.
Then in the beginning of December I was prescribed Zolpidem (Ambien). This helped me get a few hours of sleep (2-4 hours) most nights but it never made me feel refreshed; I guess because it doesn't help much with deep sleep. I took it for most of December and I gave up once I started noticing certain parts of my brain experiencing a burning sensation even though I was technically awake and not feeling drowsy. I went to ER during this period where I did a blood and urine test; nothing came up (as an aside, they gave me a Tylenol/ibuprofen/gravol cocktail and put me on an IV, that was hella relaxing but I couldn't exactly sleep in an ER setting while being looked at by nurses and doctors).
Then I tried 1 Mg Lorazepam (Ativan) which I thought was the "nuclear" option - I'd take it and just get so fucked up I wouldn't even be able to think before falling asleep. Wrong. After three days I couldn't take it anymore, the burning sensation enveloped most of my brain and I felt no closer to getting sleep; I didn't even get an hour in any of the days I took this drug. I went to ER again and had a CAT Scan of my head which showed nothing wrong again.
Last week my doctor prescribed Trazodone Hcl, but I've become so deathly scared of developing a life-long dependency that I haven't touched it yet. I've been trying to sleep as naturally as possible, taking only 10 mg melatonin right before bed and 400 mb Ibuprofen to manage the random pains and headaches. I was really close to falling asleep a few days ago, but the same "near-death" experience I had with Benadryl replicated; once I realized it was just anxiety fighting to keep me awake it was too late to try again.
All the while, I've taken steps to try to manage my stress and improve my sleep hygiene. I've dramatically cut down on caffeine; even though I'd only have about 100-150 mg per day (1 cup and change) I'm down to just 20-30 mg (less than a soda can) and I don't even have any on most days; I now switch on a small lamp stand instead of using the strong overhead light when it gets dark in my room; I shut off my computer 1-2 hours before bed; I always read for .5-1 hour before bed; I've installed Blackout curtains to curb undesired light during nighttime; I drink 2 liters + of water when I used to get liquids from sugary drinks; I've resumed working out at least 3 times a week. Over the past few days, I've also mulled over school and I'm determined to go on a break to figure out my insomnia and anxiety, lest I never sleep again in my life. I've convinced myself no job is worth not being able to sleep well. I feel my "everyday" anxiety has gone down from doing these things, but the subconscious stuff is still going strong and keeping me permanently awake, now I feel it's getting worse because I'm starting to believe I can't ever fall asleep again.
If I were to suddenly have a done thesis and a decent job out of school, I'd imagine the anxiety part would go away. But I can't exactly accomplish either when my brain feels like it's made out of jello every day - no doubt doing bad in interviews and having to redo a lot of research comes a lot from not being able to sleep and having the memory/cognitive ability to do these things well. I feel like I'm stuck in this negative feedback loop, though -> get anxious -> can't sleep -> can't do what I need to do -> get anxious. And my body fights drug effects like its life depends on it; given my "near-sleep" experience I feel like it's now fighting sleepiness in general.
So, tl;dr: get anxious -> can't sleep -> can't do what I need to do -> get anxious. Body hates sedatives. Need to find a way out before I suddenly drop to the floor.
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self.Anxiety
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Spiraling downward: need advice Yesterday after spending weeks in depression I got into my second car accident in two years, and I'm out 3,000 dollars now? Does anyone have any encouragement they could offer? Struggling to move forward....
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self.bipolar
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My little mantra to get through hard times I have a little mantra that helps me when i feel like a bad person.
"I don't owe anyone anything. There is no singular way things have to be. There is no singular way to live through your life."
It's a bit selfish, maybe. But at the same time this mantra tells me that anything i do to other people (or myself) is not because i must, but just out of the goodness of my heart. Things have much more meaning when you realize how truely free you are, as a human being, yet you choose to do good. Even if it's smiling at a stranger, or saying "thank you" to that tired bus driver, or anything seemingly small.
I don't know if this will help anyone else, but i think this philosophy has truely made me a better person, and helped my anxiety and depression a lot.
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self.depression
|
My sister, was scammed 8k. I dont understand. My sister was scammed 8000USD by a caller. My sister. She's a scholar, holding a full scholarship from a reputable international uni and an upcoming government bursary. My sister, the closest person to a parent for me. The only person who has consistently tried to give me birthday gifts ever since she was 13.
She's paying for my overpriced school because she wants to give me the same opportunity, because she thinks I deserve it. Despite being an 18 year old in a country where we have no hold on her, she doesn't fail to contact daily. She asks me if I want anything sent there when my grandpa meets up with her. She offers to fly me there so we can hang out on my birthday this year. Now, she can't even help me feed my cats.
The world is so cruel that they would do this to my sister. My sister is just chasing dreams, she just wants both of us to succeed. What has she done wrong? Just recently she lost her wallet with a month's worth of cash, now this? I can't fucking fathom it. I can't take it in.
You, an abomination of the world, a fucking scum, simply give a call to an innocent foreign student and threaten to send her away? You with your fucking rotten technique scaring the shit out of my beautiful, intelligent sister? You got her to fucking do it with her own hands, Jesus fuck.
Look how she's feeling now. Deflated. Everything she has, gone. Self hate. You made her fucking do it. Shame. Disappointed. She can't be the sister she wants to be. Stress. Suicidal. We are vulnerable enough without this added shit!!! She would stress over a grade of 98%! How will she get through this one?
I just want to breakdown, honestly. She didn't sleep at all last night.
(We are not in the US so don't give me irrelevant advice. It's been reported to the police).
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self.offmychest
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everything falls apart because i destroy my life annually. I'm not sure why, but i want to kill myself now. Tomorrow i either die, go to the psych ward or try to go to work and move forward. I'm sick of living like this.
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self.SuicideWatch
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i looked into my old photo album and shit made me so depressed [deleted]
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self.depression
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experience/help from therapy? thinking about making an appointment. my depression is consuming me and i figure its a last shot. just wondering if anyone has found actual help from this
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self.depression
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Can someone suffering from depression still have the energy to do the hobbies they love, even if they're unable to work? My SO is off work right now. It's a long story, but it is ultimately due to his mental health. However, his company acted unethically and there is now a legal issue which is compounding his mental health issues. You can take a peek at my posting history to get a better idea.
I love him a lot, but I'm beginning to lose patience. He is letting self-care slip, he doesn't take care of his home, he's being irresponsible with money and time, he sleeps all day, and he isn't actively fighting for his job or looking into legal recourse like he should be. He has admitted to all these things without my prompting, but then does nothing about them.
However, he appears to have the energy to organize, facilitate and play multiple RPG games. He hosts games for various groups several times a week, and then will go home and play online all night.
He's constantly on his phone messaging fellow-gamers and planning. Or asleep.
I'm trying to be supportive and helpful, but I'm not sure where his depression begins and ends... I'm also not a gamer, so I can't relate to that aspect.
Help!
EDIT: I thought I should also mention that I suffer from depression and anxiety as well (medicated) and I have had some very very dark periods in the past. I have been through countless therapy sessions, I have sought out various affordable avenues to get better. And once I find a form of self-care/therapy that works, I make sure I stick with the habit. It's not perfect, but it keeps me out of a pit.
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self.depression
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i tried to feel okay again note how i said "tried".
I don't necessarily feel bad anymore, I still think horrible things and cannot seem to stop and I do consider myself those horrible things but I'm so numb that it doesn't affect me anymore.
I seem to have more energy, I'm taking Paxil, Lexapro, Lamictal and Quetiapine so maybe one of those is helping me with that, but I still find no fun in anything and, if something does entertain me I get bored very easily.
I sometimes wonder if it's worth it at all to even try, if I'm so numb I can't feel shit so why would I even try anyway? I won't feel good.
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self.depression
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I wish I wasn't born I feel like I'll do something bad this month or before the end of 2017... My brain is completely fucked up right now.
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self.depression
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Suffering from Retroactive Jelousy(OCD and anxiety). Tips and experiences appreciated [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I always wonder how it feels like to love yourself [deleted]
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self.depression
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I know my mom is anorexic, she weighs 84 ponds right now and it pains me so much to see her this way but I can’t talk to her about it I haven’t talked to her about it and I want to but at the same time I just want everything to be okay. She smokes pot every second of the day and I know she struggles with money and depression as a single mother, but sometimes I hear her vomit late at night and I just cry WHY AM I SO SELFISH AND SCARED HELP
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self.depression
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I need to die for the safety of others [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Life Sentence. 17-18 months in since first manic episode followed by a severely depressive period of 14 months (bipolar 2). Slowly coming to the realisation that I’m stuck with this for life and the battle to stay on the up is going to last FOREVER. Daunting.
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self.bipolar
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I'm 29 today , and last time I had an actual Birthday party and presents was when I was 13 [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Hard to find a reason to live Hey I'm having issues finding any real hope for staying alive. I work in agriculture and over the last year I have been having suicidal thoughts for 2 reasons.
1) I hate the grad school I'm at.
2) I can't find hope for the future of humanity because of climate change.
I have dealt with with the first one by expediting my research so I can get my masters degree which is good so I can start working on a degree in ag. education which is what I want to work in.
The second is a bigger issue. I can't avoid the issue of climate change because it affects everything in the field I work. It seems like that if we continue at the rate of which we send out CO2 then humanity as we know it will no longer exist. This never leaves my mind and no matter how much help I get from group and from personal therapy.
I would like to be happy again yet still know the issues we face in the environment. I see my fellow colleges with kids and hopes for careers and they know just as much about environmental issues if not more then I do. I just want to be happy but its just hard to get this out of my mind or to deal with it in a healthy way.
I have no real vices as I see getting drunk, smoking, doing drugs, ect as a way of not dealing with the issue. Also to be honest many things are going very well in my life, I'm going to be applying to a new school for a degree in what I want to do, I'm healthy, I'm in good shape, I think I'm a good looking guy, ect but I just can't deal with the thought of a doomed future.
Pleas help or give advice thank you.
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self.SuicideWatch
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5 days ago an innocent men was shot and murdered at home with his parents by the Police. They then proceeded to seize the parents' cell phones and computers and refuse to let them see their son, yet all I read in the news/reddit is about Donald Trump's tweets. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Fellows i might be passing to suicide watch I feel like in the next two months its gonna feel pretty bad think for the first ttomei am actually really considering killing myself or hurting myself i feel hopeless
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self.depression
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Does a hospital self harm visit go on your record?
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self.SuicideWatch
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How to spit a depressed people? Hello guys, I feel like one of my friend has been pretty down lately, it's not like usual sad, it gets to the level that he doesnt like to do anything including his favorite hobby such as Soccer ect.
Is there any way to know if that particular person is depressed without going too the doctor first?
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self.depression
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Disassociation Replacing Anxiety Hey there...
Don't know if this is a common topic, and my hope is to not be melodramatic, but some form of depersonalization/derealization has consumed me, and I guess I'm writing because I'm looking for some outside - even uncommon ideas.
I've suffered anxiety since I was a small child, and several traumatic events have escalated symptoms. On and off, for several months now, I encounter a strange feeling. It started off as feeling faint/light-headed and that I couldn't breath.
I have a complicated medical history, but the long story short is that nothing seemed obviously wrong, and a psychiatrist (who I felt was knowledgeable) could only suspect panic attacks and that some of my symptoms might be somatic.
Once I convinced myself I would not pass out or die, the panic has subsided, but the unreality keeps going. Even when I believe I'm calm, things get hazy, distorted, and dream-like.
From reading available online, the feeling seems similar to a migraine aura (which is a possibility) or partial seizure. When I've sought help, I end up frustrated because it seems like so much practice is based around preventing anxiety, and while it's on my to-do list, I'd really like to have some methods of 'snapping back' from whatever place I'm ending up in, because it's really taking an existential toll, and it makes the mindfulness part really difficult.
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self.Anxiety
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DAE feels like anxiety is having loop on your neck all the time? Sometimes you barerely breath or you feel okay, but you're still anxious.You know that something will go wrong in your future anyway
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self.depression
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Having a heart stinks sometimes. :/ So Reddit I met this girl on a dating site, and it was going great. Texting was really fun, and we talked about a bunch of different stuff, then when we had a lunch date. Afterward she then didn't really respond to anything I sent her. This morning she tells me that there wasen't a connection. I'm a tiny bit upset, and I'm not to sure what to do.
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self.depression
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New Anxiety sufferer here. Hard to come to terms with a mental vs physical symptoms [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Can you describe your anxiety in one sentence? I’m a bookbinder & graphic designer and thought it would be interesting to hear other thoughts and maybe make it into a little zine for an upcoming project! I want to help illustrate how constricting and scary anxiety can be.
For me... Imagine you’re walking down stairs and you miss a step, your heart jumps up into your throat, but imagine that feeling staying with you all day.
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self.Anxiety
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Getting a new phone is a great reminder of how lonely I am. Apps are great but I’d like to text someone I guess.
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self.depression
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Suicide scenarios I have depression, anxiety, and PTSD. PTSD came from losing my virginity to rape and from my childhood. My mom never beat me to a pulp but she did smack me quite a bit and yell and make threats to send me to military school or be cut off if I ever got in trouble. I’ve tried telling her some mistakes she made with parenting and she denies she ever made a mistake. She’s the perfect mom in her eyes.
Had eating disorders in high school. Mom said don’t tell anyone, you won’t have friends if you do.
I have a boyfriend. I love him. We’ve travelled Asia together. But he said he needs time to figure himself out and battle his depression. Don’t know how long this break is. He said on Christmas he still loves me and wants to be a better man for me but I’m scared he’ll change his mind and think he’s better off alone.
I think of ways to kill myself. Maybe it’s a bottle of pills or a knife to my stomach. Someone will find me and then we’ll all have a sad funeral. The voice in my head says the worst will happen and I believe it. I’m so desperate to kill myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Trump supporters are often the type to blame media for violence but can't fathom Trump's words cause violence [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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No end for pain This might sound dumb but no one listens to me, my mom constantly makes my life a living hell, I want it all to end, I got put into home school and my boyfriend is about to leave me, I'm the kind of human you would be scared of if you seen me walking in the street and I know that also sounds dumb but I am scary I resemble a demon black eyes and looking down at the ground so no one sees the pain, In no way am I harmful just misunderstood, My mom today told me she loves a computer more than me, I have a brother who my moms talks about everyday, "Oh I'm so proud of him", "Hes such a beautiful child" I will never be what anyone wants me to be I'm a fuck up, I cry, I have insomnia, I haven't slept in a week and I have considered killing myself everyday for the past few months, I have 2 boys that love me but the one I want hurts me everyday and makes me feel like shit, I am not allowed to leave my room because my grandpa thinks I will mess something up, He buys my brother everything he would ever want but when it comes to me the one thing I want which is a new pair of shoes because I've had the same pair of hand me down pair of black converse shoes for the past year, One day when I'm gone I want him to know what he does to me and how it makes me feel ~~ Till next time, Lil Poof
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self.offmychest
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Can you guys tell me what is wrong with me? Hi guys. I can't tell what is wrong with me. For the past 4 years I began to develop some sort of anxiety disorder I believe. Basically to sum up the problems I've been having, I overthink, scare myself, and freak out about the thoughts in my head, or situations that are usually completely normal. This fear can get very bad, to the point where I will get really scared. I just don't know what it is and what causes it. Does it have anything to do with my unhealthy habits I spend several hours a day on my IPad or on my computer (I'm addicted). I also eat very unhealthy, and I don't exercise or go out very often. It is just really hard to try to exercise and go out because it is winter, I am 15, and I don't have a lot of friends or things to do? My guess is that I have OCD, and this is worsened by my unhealthy habits.
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self.Anxiety
|
Today Felt Like An Utter Failure... January 17th was supposed to be one of the highlights of 2018. My husband's 24th birthday. I had it all planned out. got a new well-paying job in November, and was going to save up lots to make him have the best darn party he's ever had. Last year ended with a fist fight between him and his dad, and other shit I'd rather not talk about. but this year...I had bought bacon, eggs, the works for a surprise Breakfast In Bed, balloons, streamers, handmade cards, ingredients for Tacos for dinner, a cake i made all by myself, just or him (A chocolate devil's food cake with peanut butter inside and milk chocolate icing), and beer so he could have a good time. he said it's the best party he's had in years.
BUT.
there's one thing he wanted me to do. butt stuff. as in Anal Sex with him, for his birthday. Now, we've done this before, mind you, but last time we did it, he tore me good, because I was too tense, and I couldn't use the washroom for a week without excruciating pain. it instilled a lot of fear in me to kick that back up again.
now in his drunken state, he's threatened to "find a girlfriend who WILL do it, and I'll be for everything else".
I've already lost all hope this year. My fucking job sucks, I get the strong feeling everyone there hates me because I'm a fuck-up. I literally make wax castings of Tourist's hands for them to take home, and sometimes I end up cracking them. it's a form of art, and art is my fucking specialty, and i cant even do that right. my last job, manning a McDonalds drive thru window from 10pm to 6am 5 days a week, PLUS going to visits with my daughter on Tues and Thurs was harder, but at least I could do that. come to think of it, i couldn't even fucking do that right. no wonder I was fired. I'm such a useless fucking human being. no one fucking likes me, I'm barely tolerable, and now not even my husband likes me, or at least that's how I feel. he went on a drunken rant as he was falling asleep, after EVERYTHING I had done for him today, I don't care about him. I don't love him. I feel like I don't make him happy. and I tried today. I really did. I don't have a friend in the world, and watching the other girls at work gather in a social circle to discuss the party they're having in the next few weeks, with majority of the work staff, made me realize even further just how alone I am. I don't go out. I don't "go shopping with friends", or go out for a coffee, or do anything, I work, I go to visits with my daughter because facs thinks i'm going to off myself any day (she's in kinship with my mother, my husband is her dad), no friends and a husband who thinks I don't love him, when in reality, I do, and a shitty job that I hate, despite it being me doing something that I love.
when will this hurt end?
I got my drivers license on the 28th of December, 2017. I just want to go buy a shit car, fill up my wallet and the gas tank, and go. somewhere. up to Toronto, maybe, I don't fucking know. somewhere where I can plug in my music, and scream-sing through tears until all of my feelings are gone. until all my body parts are numb. until i cant fucking go anymore.
who knows. out in the highways going to TO, maybe I'll get stranded on the side of the road and eaten by a pack of Coyotes...
I just want to be happy...I don't fucking know what that's like anymore.
all I do is lay in bed, stare at the ceiling, then at my funeral dress I bought for myself, and cry.
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self.SuicideWatch
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What is the quickest, most pain free way to kill myself? I can't get a gun cause I live in the UK. Just need a quick easy way
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self.depression
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Can some one just please listen to me? (Xpost r/offmychest) [deleted]
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self.depression
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Feeling too close. Need to vent. Been dealing with a depressing episode and I was supposed to leave for a trip to see a long distance bf tomorrow but had to cancel due to issues on his end of things. I dropped out of school and feel like a total failure. Everything is seemingly crashing and I just can’t deal with it. I don’t want to live but I don’t want to hurt my family. I just want to die so badly. I don’t want life. It feels pointless. I don’t have anywhere else to turn. I guess I just need to vent.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Tell me some painless ways to commit suicide ? I request you to only say some legitimate ways for commuting suicide in a painless manner ... This question is the reason for me to join Reddit ... With the amount of cancer on this website I'm sure someone can help me out with this predicament of mine ... Thanks in advance
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self.SuicideWatch
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Heart palpitations, racing heart I have a-fib, so anytime my heart feels weird i have some anxiety. I fell asleep then woke up about 10 minutes later and had a pounding heartbeat almost painful. It was also super fast, i told myself that its my anxiety and am now fighting the urge to dial 911.. this anxiety is killing my happiness
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self.Anxiety
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This disease has plagued my entire life. Maybe it's because my parents divorced when I was very young, or it's that I got bullied when I moved to a new school in 4th grade. It could be genetic, or perhaps I just saw too many scary movies as a little kid. Whatever the reason, the disease known as "anxiety" has crippled my entire life.
I barely graduated high school, turned down job promotions, had extreme difficulty with the opposite sex, avoided parties, and have recently been living under the dark cloud of extreme health anxiety because of this shit. I'm always on guard. If things go well for a day, the next will surely bring something worse.
Focusing on anything is a struggle. I work a shitty job, live at home still well into adulthood, and can't progress. Sometimes it doesn't feel worth living life like this.
Been to a psychiatrist. Cost $250 for a 15 minute diagnosis of Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Recommended seeing a psychologist, but I can't afford it. My GP gave me Xanax, which does help in the moment, but I don't want to be dependent on them. Considering SSRIs.
I don't know. Sometimes when I go to sleep I think it'd be nice to never wake up so I won't have to face this shit.
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self.Anxiety
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I'm scaring myself I've dealt with suicidal thought for ten years but last night I actually started googling methods searching for what would be practical and affordable.
I think I've found a method that would work and I wish I could get rid of this knowledge
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anyone have Experiences with group therapy? Just curious... it has always been something I've dismissed out of hand, but that's because of anxiety, the issue I want to solve.
With this in mind, I'm trying to open my mind to the idea a little more.
My main concern besides anxiety is self sufficiency; I would like to end up, one day, in a position where I can manage my own anxiety on my own. I don't think it's good or healthy to rely on others forever for this.
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self.Anxiety
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A short letter to a transphobe I really wanted to love you, Mom. I'm sorry that I am your disappointment, and I'm sorry that you are mine. I am going to let you go now.
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self.offmychest
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Do you even fucking care about me? My (20/F) boyfriend (20/M) of two years has gotten so confusing. And it feels as though he wants out. Or at least isn't as emotionally invested in me anymore, as he was.
He has like 2 days a week free from work and school and other activities. That means that we don't see each other as often. Lately we don't see each other almost at all.
Is it weird for me to want to see him on his free days? Because he has so little free time. He always tells me "Yeah tomorrow we'll meet" and then has a stupid excuse the next day. Or he doesn't say anything to me and I'm sat waiting for him because he said we would get together that day.
He also uses his free time to play video games, lately more than ever he puts video games before me. He used to do it to his ex when he didn't have feelings for her anymore and found being with her boring (he told me that because we were best friends before). He tells me "I'm tired today" or "I just want to be at home today" or some other excuse. We rarely ever see each other anymore. We're drifting apart. Emotionally and physically (tmi but since we don't see each other as often we don't have much sex and it drives me crazy).
And he gets mad at me when I get sad when we don't see each other because I miss him so terribly.
It's like he doesn't care anymore. All he does is bring me down and make me miss him when he doesn't miss me at all. I hate relationships, this always fucking happens.
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self.offmychest
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Constantly angry at myself for not being dead yet [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I want to quit my job. I've already asked for 2 weeks off and I can't stand being there any longer. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Do any of you get a slight accent when you're nervous? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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What do I do? Man, my mental state has really been deteriorating rapidly these last few days. I've tried everything, called the hotlines, I see a therapit, talked to my support people. But everything has failed. I understand that people would hurt if I died and I really am fighting as hard as I can, but what do I do?
I've been depressed for most of my life. No one would be shocked if I did it, I know they'd be upset but I'm tired of being guilted into life. I wanna be alive because I have something to live for, not because I'm too guilted.
I guess what I'm asking is, what the hell do I do? Where do I go from here? Am I too messed up to live? Would it be better to just do it already? If you have any suggestions please tell me, I'm out of solutions.
-Sincerely, Tired
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self.SuicideWatch
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I shouldn't be in a relationship I can't handle any of the things that come with it, but I love my boyfriend so much. I'm selfish for staying because he has to give up so much for me.
I'm panicking because a deal breaker for me is going to the strip club and I made that clear from the beginning, but he went anyway. I can't trust him to respect my feelings and I want to die. I hate who I am and I hate that I can't be out going.
I'm tired of complaining to him about how I feel, I just did and I regret it already. I feel trapped because I want to stay but I shouldn't..
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self.offmychest
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First time for me that suicide is a realistic option. First of I'm not a native english speaker but I will try my best here.
For the last 6 years life has been pain for me. Depressions, Anxiety, Panic Attacks, Mental Breakdowns I've had it all. Today I woke up and I just couldn't take it anymore. I'm done with life and I lost the hope that there will be a day where all this pain ends. I can't find an answer to my problems and I don't have the strength to continue searching for happiness or peace.
Suicide comes to my mind more and more often now and it feels right to think about it. I am scared of doing it but I really don't see another way out of all this.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Just like any other day, actually probably worse. It's Christmas and I'm alone in my room, haven't spoken to anyone at all. Tried to sleep the day away but woke up after 1 hour. Don't really have the energy to continue on shows too.
Everyone's having fun and good for them, although it becomes glaringly obvious that I'm pretty much insignificant because who is going to remember, right? Don't really blame anyone though, they are being happy.
Going to try watching a movie later with some ice cream. Maybe you could try it too if you are feeling down on this supposedly joyful day.
I hope everyone here had a better day than I did. Merry Christmas.
EDIT: Since this gained abit of traction, just want to remind everybody to treat yourself and you deserve it. Hope you all don't feel too bad today. TREAT YOURSELF!
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self.depression
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Calling a crisis hotline just to have someone to talk to Probably one of the most healthy conversations I've ever had in my life. Was amazing to actually be listened to for once. Words literally can't describe to know that I'm not always wrong in life. Being drowned in the bathtub and told I was a "fucked up kid" when I was young, never being able to defend myself in any dispute, feeling completely powerless. Hearing that it's not the right thing for a parent to tell their kid "do you know how much therapy I would've had to go through" when I came back from the hospital after a suicide attempt was surreal.
Sorry my head is a mess I can't formulate sentences the way I'd like, just had to get this out there.
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self.offmychest
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I'm pathetic Final year uni exams are right around the corner. Stress is building up. I don't have time to do the one thing I did to get away from feeling empty (games) because I'm always too busy catching up on all the coursework and studying for everything. I hate the course I'm doing at university. Every day my parents call me to remind me how I need to do really well in the exams making the stress even worse. My closest friend thinks I'm pathetic for being so weak.
I agree.
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self.depression
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How should i feel about this statement? "You look a lot better and nicer than the last time I saw you. Except you look like you've been crying."
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self.Anxiety
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I have Anxiety, Depression, and Dermatillomania. And also really crappy parents. My Fiancé told me I should post this here. I don’t know why I pick. Sometimes I think it’s out of boredom, sometimes I think it’s because the pimple or whatever is hurting me and I need to relieve the pressure. I don’t even know what triggers it. Sometimes I just get this uncontrollable urge to pull all the dirt and gross shit out of my face and I can’t help it. My parents never really got that. They thought it was something that by punishing me or yelling at me about it or guilting me they could make it stop- but it didn’t. it only made me better at hiding it. I stopped picking in the morning, and one of the ways I stopped was by quitting wearing makeup- generally- I avoid mirrors in the morning all together. At this point it’s not even a conscious decision anymore. I don’t look in the mirror until I am safely in my car and I use the tiny mirror on the sun visor to put on my makeup. That way- I end up seeing less of my face. I started only picking late at night- after I knew they would no longer bother me and I would be alone and at peace. But this also made it worse- because I didn’t have a time limit. I can’t gauge time when I pick. Sometimes I just go on for hours and don’t even realize what time it is. I remember one time- I started picking at ten and didn’t stop until two in the morning. That was the night that I picked so deep into my nose that I pulled out a vein. I was frightened- there was so much blood- but I couldn’t do anything about it because if I had told my parents I would have been ridiculed. At least that’s what I thought at the time, now, looking back at it- maybe it would have been a wakeup call. Maybe they would have realized something was wrong. Maybe I would have gotten a therapist. But I also know- these maybes are there because I’m trying to justify still loving my parents by blaming myself for a lot of the things that I know where not my fault. If they really cared enough, if they really were concerned about my wellbeing… they would have taken me to the doctor long before this moment happened. Sometimes I wonder if my picking was also a form of self-harm. I dabbled in that. For a while I sliced open my legs with razor blades and hit myself on the bony parts of my body with the handle of my hairbrush until I bruised. I would beat my collar bones, by hip bones, my ankles, and my hands. I think I was doing it because it had the same effect as picking. I lost track of time, I didn’t have to think about anything but causing a purple spot on my hip. Eventually, I didn’t even feel the pain anymore.
I don’t know why I stopped hurting myself. Maybe it wasn’t enough anymore. Maybe it was hopelessness. Maybe I decided it wasn’t worth the questions from anyone except my parents anymore. All I know is I stopped. Not the picking-I still do that today, but the bruising and cutting and burning myself. I think at that point I had decided that the best thing I had in my life was sleep. If I was asleep I wouldn’t have to deal with the yelling, the ridicule, the loneliness of school. I never really had a lot of close friends. I always thought it was because I was weird- but I now know that is was mostly because I wasn’t allowed to get to know anyone very well. my family was so fucked up that they didn’t want to have me understand that this was abuse- that what they were doing was neglect. I never observed any family except my own. And no one except the most extreme cases ever share their stories on the internet. For this reason, suicide was never an option. I am a very empathetic and sympathetic person. All the stories I had ever read about abuse, neglect… they were always worse that what I thought mine was. And those people succeeded- those people did not take their own lives. I could never take away my life when so many people had it so much worse than me- or so I thought. But because I was not allowed to learn how normal families coexist I didn’t know how truly awful mine was. I had every right to be suicidal- but I also knew, in the back of my mind- that if I were to commit suicide my life wouldn’t mean anything. My parents didn’t really believe in mental illness- and I was worried that if I committed suicide and left them a note they would burn the note and try to make it look like something else was going on. I was worried they wouldn’t take any of the blame. I was worried my brother would grow up being the brunt of all their abuse. I was worried they wouldn’t give a shit.
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self.offmychest
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Anxiety has completely taken me and my personality. I'm in a crisis and I don't know what to do anymore... I can't go on like this anymore. I always had social anxiety. I always had low self esteem. But I used to enjoy spending time with myself. I remember after coming back home from a hang out I would chill and watch YouTube videos. Now I can't do anything.
I have a girlfriend. We're together for almost 6 months. And I definitely have relationship anxiety. In the last 2 months I've been dealing with thoughts that are so hard to keep in my head that I seriously feel like there's no solution anymore. Like, I could have a good day then suddenly out of nowhere I'd feel like crap, I'd feel like I have no personality, or that I don't know who I am, or that I've changed and I'm not the same person anymore... And it affects me so bad.... I can't enjoy anything anymore, Everytime I try enjoying anything the thoughts would get me down. I tried replying to them, accepting them, ignoring them, what not. Some things work for like an hour and then I feel like crap again. Even when I feel "ok", it's not really ok. I just don't feel like my life is a total mess, but I still feel like I have no self esteem or confidence. It has been like that since having a girlfriend, I always tried to impress her and now I've come to this point. She's a great person and she hasn't done anything bad to me, and still, I'm maybe at the lowest point I've ever been in my life. I never said it before to anyone, anywhere, but suicide came not as an option, but more like as something that's quite logical. When you feel like there's no escape from your problems, you consider the end.
I have a psychologist. I'm taking medication. I'm trying to be more social, to get into hobbies, WHATEVER. Nothing does it. I feel worse by the day. I want to reach the day when me and my girlfriend can enjoy each other's company. When I'm not dependent on her approval. A day when I'm confident in myself and I love her because of who she is and not because she has the potential to give me approval. It kills me inside. I feel like I lost my personality, my opinions, my confidence. Like I'm just a shell of someone I was before. I can't go on like this anymore and it's so sad. It's so, so sad. And nothing helps me and I don't know what to do... Please just say there's hope. That there is a way out that I just have to reach with my hands... That's all I want to hear...
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self.Anxiety
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Ways to Distract Yourself When Feeling Suicidal I understand this is a little petty. I'm not proud of my past. I get my feelings hurt when my family brings up things I did in the past like fights in high school, sex at 14, dismissed from college. I live in the past. I'm in my 20s now. When I compare myself to my siblings I feel shitty. I dream of overdosing on my pills. Since my family sees me as a fuckup or a problem, I'd be gone permanently. I was going to write a check for my funeral costs. I leave money for younger brother. Suggest they start a GoFundMe page. How can I kindly stand up to my family when they bring up the past?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Feeling odd after medication Hi guys. I’ve been on medication for about 4 months now. Up until early Jan, I was still all over the place. I’ve had some seriously crushing depressive spells and a month long manic psychotic spell. Had my diagnosis changed to Schizoaffective Bipolar type. I had Lamotrigine bumped up to 175mg, I’m on 900mg of Lithium, and recently started Latuda 40mg which gave me lots of side effects initially but it’s much better now.
I’m actually feeling so so much better since then. The last month has seen me up at 8 and asleep maximum by 1am. Not a drug induced stupor but what feels like gradual natural sleep (holy fuck what a blessing). However...
I feel like there are symptoms that crash through the medicine barricade from time to time. Yesterday I systematically shut down and had that oppressive depression sleep consume me at 2:30pm. I woke up up at 8pm. Today I woke up after sleeping 13 hours and I feel completely foggy in the head like my depressive episodes. I don’t know if this is a blunted depression or just me tripping myself out again. Some days ago I went on a relatively mild shopping spree and talked a ton and had the bright lights and tunnel vision I associate with mania.
Is this the medicated life?
TLDR and core question: Does the medicine blunt the symptoms of depression and mania which will continue to cycle? Or does it entirely stop them from cropping up?
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self.bipolar
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Does anyone else ever feel like this...? You know, that feeling where... Even though you have no one, and the only thing keeping you company in life is the crippling loneliness that you endure on a day to day basis... You just want to give your all to someone? Someone who you can care about, and stuff... I can't really explain it, but I have this really bad urge just to go out there and make someone I love feel like they're the most special person in the world... Even though nobody is there...
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self.offmychest
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I'm 29, accomplished nothing, and failed at everything I have been a fuck up since junior high (or at least that's when I became aware of being one) people neither like me or respect me Even children know I'm useless. (relatives as old as 10 have commented on how much of a loser I am) I usually avoid my own self loathing with video games but I broke my phone and PC and all the bad thoughts are back now. I would commit suicide but I'm too scared.
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self.depression
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I just need to vent man, I need to get things off my chest. I just want to scream, cry, anything. I just need someone to listen to my problems for once, but it's not possible. I'm suppose to be the strong one and it FUCKING sucks sooooooo much. I hate this.
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self.depression
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