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I’ve been depressed for as long as I can remember. I’ve had days where I want to die, more and more often, and now it’s rare that a day goes by without wishing I didn’t exist at least once. [deleted]
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self.depression
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(Advice Needed!)I'm not sure If I truly like this guy or if I just like the attention from him. I'm afraid I might be using him since I've felt so alone for so long. I just don't want to hurt his feelings. But I do feel like I do like him but I guess there are some things he does that I don't like or I can find annoying. But I feel like I like him better when we aren't in public/ in front of people/friends. I feel like he's nicer and better when we are alone.
I just don't know if maybe I should give him a chance? Before I thought I didn't like him but as I got to know him idk I feel like I am starting to like him but I'm just not sure if its the attention he's giving me that I'm liking him, or himself.
Edit: Also he's kind of the opposite of me in a few things like he's pretty confident, and I feel like he could really help me out, I've been struggling with depression and anxiety for a while (I'm getting better with therapy and am going to start antidepressants soon) but I feel like he's hopefully helping me open up.
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self.offmychest
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15 I am 15 years old..
I don't know how I feel right now... I did a lot of quizzes and they say I am depressed well yes I may be
as well as the fact that I feel empty... I cant study... I am depressed in the worst time... my finals are tomorrow and my igcse exams are near... I cant do it anymore... it hurts, I keep telling myself it is okay but no it is just not working... I don't want to attempt sucide but my hope is knocked down to earth... I cant tell anyone about this cause 1- I don't have anyone, my family I acnt tell them because they don't understand 2- nobody understand 3- they think I want attention 4- I don't have friends 5- I cant ask for help
this may be funny and it may be stupid but I don't know what to do I cant help my self anymore...
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self.depression
|
experienced sexual harassment, indecent assault (ID) and extensive bullying in my teen years and now it's starting to hit me hard..... [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Do you find yourself to be incredibly empty after a massive breakdown? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I need a girl to help me not be suicidal, but she won’t speak to me Why is that worth it to her?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I didn't mean to So I just cut... my wrist.. the most obvious of places.. idk what to do.. its like something came over me and I couldn't help it. It just happen. It's like a demon possessed me..
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self.SuicideWatch
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I want to kill myself but I don’t want to do that to the people around me... but it honestly feels like a viable option at this point
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Happy thanksgiving! Missed you all. Just got out of the hospital. Hospitalized again for a manic episode. Luckily I made it out in 12 days, but spent thanksgiving in there.
I actually met so many amazing friends, I was in a unit specifically for college students so it was really nice! Kinda didn't want to leave, but I made it out!
Hope all of your are well! I'm so glad to be back! <3
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self.bipolar
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What has been your experience taking medication for your mental health disorder/depression? Thinking of seeing a psychiatrist and trying meds [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Anyone take rexulti? Today my psychiatrist added rexulti to my prescriptions and I’m freaking out about paying for it. 30 days supply is 1300$ without insurance, and with insurance it’s still around 600$. Every other prescription I’ve gotten has been 4$ with my insurance. If anybody knows of a way to get this cost down it would be greatly appreciated
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self.bipolar
|
I crashed out of my temp job I had a temp job that I actually enjoyed, with people that were lovely, doing things that were easy but needed attention, and I was home by 5 every day. I lasted 6 days. It was only meant to be a month too. On the 7th day, I was running late, and I just couldn't make myself go in. It all became too much and I went home crying. I had had a medicine change about 2 weeks before, and that was definitely fucking me up, but I feel so useless. The job was ideal and I still couldn't do it. We are in debt and the money coming in from my partner is not enough to keep us afloat. I have no idea what will happen. I'm scared.
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self.depression
|
If I didn’t lose my licence I would of packed up and driven away from this hell of a town by now. The people suck, the town sucks and I want to just disappear and start again far away. Thinking of just getting a car and driving until it’s dead and then walking until I find somewhere that isn’t here [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I’m afraid I’m slipping back into depression I don’t know what to do. I’ve been so sad for the past 2 weeks, with nightly crying spells. I don’t have any close friends in the town that I live in, besides my boyfriend. But I’m afraid of letting out all my emotions to him because I don’t want to be a burden. I feel so alone.
My insurance won’t cover therapy anymore either. I don’t know what to do or who to talk to.
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self.depression
|
I don't care anymore I finally don't care anymore.. and it feels good... I am not scared of anything... Life or death tomorrow I will just live love all I can trust God but simply laugh at the days to come. It feels so good just not to care at all..
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self.offmychest
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18 and lost at a crossroads I’m in the U.K and only really want to do one thing, which is to study in America whilst playing “soccer”(we call it football over here”. I was recommended to a soccer agency which helps u.k athletes get on the path to gaining a scholarship and they thought it would be achievable for me to get a decent partial scholarship.Unfortunately I’ve been diagnosed with depression and had a horrendous month, which has led to my parents putting it up as a barrier to stop me going for this goal, for example they say that it is not realistic for me to move across the world to study and compete because I have depression, just in case there’s days when I can’t get out of bed and they can’t help me. They’re basically just worried I’ll hurt myself badly because they won’t be there to help me when I get down. Obviously it’s hard getting through to them, as they seem to just think it may completely go away randomly. All I’m really asking for is advice on whether I should give up on this dream I’ve been working towards for years and do something “safe” instead. On another note I completely flunked my S.A.T test yesterday so this whole situation may be a non-issue anyway.
TL;DR, Have a dream of studying in America, I also have depression and over protective parents, should I chase my dream or are my parents being sensible ?
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self.depression
|
Suffer from Panic attacks.. any tips to go today? Yesterday I had a panic attack almost all day at work, yeah it is not possible, but I was feeling paralysed and suffered from depersonalization.
Any tips that can help me? Thanks!
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self.Anxiety
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Adjusting to living with GF's anxiety. Any advice for helping us navigate these specific challenges? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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How do you suppress all them suicidal thoughts? How do you suppress all them suicidal thoughts? I have always had them since i can remember but sometimes the become worse and worse. It's really hard because I want to complete my goals. But some days I just feel like ending it.
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self.depression
|
People are exhausting I'm talking in person and online/texting
I feel people are too sensitive. I feel like a lot of people just want to play underdog and/or victim. And I feel like a lot of people are inconsiderate and don't really take the time to think about how someone else is feeling or thinking. And we seem intolerant of different opinions and views, to the point where we only want to stick to groups of people who only echo what we think/say/feel
I really don't get why it's so hard to simply leave people alone. If someone is being a dick to you and/or physically threatening, yeah, absolutely, stick up for yourself, but I notice a lot of people going out of their way to be mean to each other, and it's really disheartening, whether it's in person or on social media. Even here on LL, I know a lot of the trolling that goes on isn't supposed to be serious (or at least I hope not), but the things I see people saying to each other, yikes
I'm not trying to start any arguments or claim I'm perfect. I realize that sometimes I'm right, and sometimes I'm not. But I don't go out of my way to be a dick. For (a simple) example, I identify as liberal, and I have friends on social media who voted Trump and post things in support of him. I just let it go. There's no point in engaging in petty anger and wasting energy
To give an example, in the past couple of weeks I've had two different people basically blow up on me (one was a friend, the other just a girl I met on Tinder). The Tinder girl got incredibly upset because I simply said I didn't like a book that she had read recently. That's it. It wasn't "Haha you're dumb for liking that, that book is lame as shit and so are you." It was "Yeah I tried reading it, but I found it boring and slow." And the girl went off on me in the most condescending way and tried to act like I'd done something awful to her
People will say "Well yeah, you insulted something she liked", but the way I see it, I didn't insult it, I just said I didn't like it. There's a difference there. And I don't think it's healthy to get so sensitive and defensive like that. And besides, did she write the book? She didn't. I don't think the author would have reacted that way. I enjoy certain books, music, films, etc, but if someone told me they just didn't like something I'd basically say "Ok" and get on with my life
Obviously this is a more extreme example, but I feel like I see more behavior and thinking like this. People willing to burn bridges over what should be simple disagreements. What's worse is that there's a lot of people who will encourage this kind of behavior
Or another example: in early October I tried calling a good friend of mine cause I hadn't heard from him in a while. He picked up the phone and, in an irritated/pissy voice, said "Dude, I'm on vacation". I apologized and said I'd just call him next week. I didn't bother though, and just left it alone to see if I'd ever hear from him. I still haven't
I'm sorry this is long, I just needed to vent. I'm trying to be a good, mindful person, but sometimes I feel like no matter what I do or how I approach things, people are unhappy. I feel like, in a lot of instances, you can't really have a discussion with someone unless you already agree with them
This is all exhausting. I'm tired of constantly feeling like I've done something wrong, and I'm really tired of people being petty and mean to each other. Friends tell me that maybe I just need to cut people off and move on and stuff, but at the rate things are going, who's going to be left?
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self.offmychest
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Why is everyone so obnoxious? For example I was in class and we had to write down these quotes when out of nowhere this girl says "these are really good quotes!". Why the hell would anyone do that? Was it to help guide our decision in whether or not we like the quotes? And if so, why would you assume that 1: we were indecisive about whether or not we like the quotes and 2: what makes you think you know the objective answer? People are always too loud. Why do people think what they have to say is so important that everyone in the area has to hear what they're saying? I just don't get it
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self.depression
|
Well Here goes Hi here is my story , Born in a family filled with problems . Dad was a drunken maniac used to come home drunk and beat up my mother and brother . Used be a drug addict as well every day he used to come home and beat up things, it was just wonderful just wonderful. my mom was diagnosed with depression and was not ever the same , scared of everything , even scared to walk out alone all because of this drunken coward . and in 2007 all came to an end as my father was diagnosed with throat cancer and died in 2009 there goes my father tata you have done your part in my miserable life and shall i say our miserable life . at the time of his death i wa 13 or 12 dont quite remember dont matter anyways ... yea there goes my childhood ... just gone and from that point onwards i am alone . no friends no one just ALONE . Mom wont let me go out and play won't let me hang out with my friends ( well i had some in my school-life ) . Well i can't blame her , the fear of the past haven't left her mind and i said before she is afraid of everything . so i stay all day/week/month in my home she wont let me go anywhere and time just went ... and now i am 21 , Depressed , don't like my life a bit . got a habit of smoking , same situation still i am all alone . the thing is i see all my mates just enjoying life in facebook , enjoying their life with their friends posting pics . and here i am just sitting all alone in front of the laptop and just thinking about my miserable life . one day i got a brilliant idea well it was sort of brilliant at that time and i deactivated my facebook account thought that would help . well whoa ! it did help it just put me into a deeper level of this "lonely life" that i have . I don't want any one to know my situation thats why i posted here random internet peeps are always better than the ones i have in my life . yea thats it thats all i have gotta say . thanks a bunch for creating this page in reddit really helps people .THANK you if you have read my story . Stay blessed
P.S : FUCK YOU ASHWATHY THANKS FOR MAKING MY LIFE MORE MISERABLE :D
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self.offmychest
|
I cant be the only one I've finally stopped isolating myself and got invited to a party somehow. My problem here is, holy shit do people really *start* parties at 10:30? Am I just weird that I value my sleep schedule and med routine more than hanging out with people my age this late?
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self.bipolar
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I know As I lay here in bed sick and losing my voice. You call me and tell me you're going to a friends house. I know you're not going there. You're going on a date and will probably end up sleeping with her. I don't say anything though because we don't have a label on what we are despite us acting like a couple. However, I knew you were lying when I asked you if you were happy with being sexually monogamous. You said yes. That was the first time , I went through a persons phone and my suspicions were right. I didn't say anything though and I haven't said anything because I love you and I don't want to let you go. This does explain why you haven't told me you loved me . Since you don't . I don't know why you keep me around . Is it because I spoil you on holidays, or take care of you when your sick? Is it because I'm always there if you need me? Yet , when I'm here laying in bed . You don't even think about coming over and taking care of me. You go on a date and lie about it . Yet , I'm still here because I'm weak and I don't want to let you go. I secretly put up with what you do. I still kiss you and look at you as though you are my knight in shining armor . I'm just someone to you. I just , I don't understand . Why I'm not good enough for you? Is it our age difference and you can't see a future with me? I know I deserve better . I deserve someone who wants to be with me. Isn't afraid of taking me out in public , who won't forget my birthday, who will be there for me when I'm sick, or be there when my anxiety is a mess. Who won't treat me like a placeholder. Who will love me and tell me often. Yet, I'm weak and I love you. I won't let go until you do it .
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self.offmychest
|
I feel like this every day... Every day it’s the same....The same shit feeling.
Feeling low, down, depressed. Wanting to take your own life more and more with each passing day.
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self.depression
|
It's my birthday tomorrow, I'm scared that nobody will remember me. My birthday is on the 18th of November, reddit. I'm terrified that nobody will remember me. Birthdays are important to me, because they are a celebration of a person's life. When we say happy birthday, we're telling that person we value the fact that our lives got to cross with theirs, no matter for how brief a moment.
I'm worried that nobody will celebrate my birthday, and that nobody will celebrate my life. What am I without my friends?
I would not be anything.
Please help me. I don't want to be forgotten. I am terrified.
I'm in so much pain.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
School makes me want to die I'm not exactly dangerously suicidal, but I have been experiencing quite a bit of suicidal ideation recently. All I want to do is sleep and I don't want to do anything. I have literally no hope for the future. I have been in university for six years and it has been an absolutely miserable experience. I have anxiety and depression as well as a learning disability and OCD. I tried to kill myself my first year and ended up in a psych ward and have been taking meds and in therapy ever since. Now I am like 1.5 credits away from graduating but my depression has been getting worse and worse this semester. I am in a constant mental fog and can't focus on any of my essays. I know I should suck it up and work hard to graduate but I can't. My parents have been putting incredible pressure on me to go to library school (which is another TWO YEARS of school) after I finish. School has literally made me suicidal since high school, but they don't care. My mother, who I've figured out in therapy is pretty much the textbook definition of an emotional abuser is constantly putting the blame on me for not getting better. She says if I don't go to get my master's I will have no future and she will kick me out and I can live on welfare. I don't know how it has gotten this bad, but it has. She says because of my disability I will never have a job without a masters degree. So I am 100% financially dependent on people who treat my depression like it's something I need to grow out of. When it last got this bad they threatened to have me institutionalized. I am so sick of writing essays and exams. I am sick of the pressure and feeling tired and miserable all the time. I don't have any friends (this is why I am talking to the internet) and I feel so alone. My pet hedgehog recently died and ever since I have lost the will to live. He was the only thing I really cared about besides my dog. I'm not going to harm myself but I am completely hopeless and want to die.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does anyone feel that you want to have a relationship and being scared at it at the same time? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Effexor XR 187.5 mg right now... having panic/anxiety attack lately i was on effexor xr 187.5mg for about 3month with no issues for panic/anxiety attack but this week has been the worse for me. I am thinking to jump onto 225mg to feel better and stop the horrible attacks. should i do it?
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self.depression
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An object for pleasure A while back, I was getting used for some REALLY sexual stuff. I Was being forced to strip infront of a whole group of horny men just wanting me.... I never asked for this. Luckily, I was never physically FUCKED but... Damn it. I feel like a tool, an object for pleasure. I wish I could get back at those guys for what they did to me. It's been bugging me ever since and I can't do anything about it. I was planning about killing myself so it would stop, but I managed to get out of that situation... I am hopeless... I hate my body. I hate myself too. I wish I wasn't a physical person so no one would want to use me as a sex object.... This has happened to me twice with both my first boyfriend and then my second one and his friends.
Help me, reddit.
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self.offmychest
|
Am I a bad person for not wanting my injured grandmother to stay at my house? Im kinda haveing a panic attack at the moment. This morning my grandmother fell down a flight of stairs at my house my accedent. She is alive and stable, but her right leg is very broken. I live with my parents and they are offering to take care of her untill she can get home. She lives across the country and was visiting with us for Thanksgiving. The doctors are saying she will likely be needing to stay with us untill the end of december. This woman is my family and I wpuld never dream of not helping her, but the thought of her staying with us on bed rest for a month is already giving me a panic attack. We will be rearranging the house to set up a ground floor bedroom for her. I already hate liveing with my parents. All of them are good people and I dont dislike them but Im 20 years old and I want to live my own god dam life. I cant stand the thought of all of the things I will be forced to do to care for her. I hate myself for saying any of this for thinking any of this. I dont even really know my grandmother, my relationship with her for my whole life up to this point is a phone call once or twice a year. Now she is comeing to live with us for over a month. Shes family and that is the most important thing, but my beliefs are the complete opposite of her's. I can put up an act and sit through prayers I dont belive in for a day or two, but an entire month. Im gonna stop writing now its just gonna get longer woth more thoughts that make me feel like a waste of a human.
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self.offmychest
|
Ramblings to keep myself awake because I can't stand the idea of being alone with nothing but my thoughts There was a recurring Monty Python sketch in which a group of middle aged women would announce that they were going to re enact some famous historical event, but every single re enactment was represented by a speeded up chaotic handbag fight in a muddy field.
I'm finding myself more and more reminded of it every time I feel depressed. Just when I think my brain is going to do something else for a change, it blows the whistle and everything descends into depression and misery and sadness and pain and frenzied handbag slapping.
I feel as though I'm a slave to my own brain, it calls the shots and there's fuck all I can do about it. I know it's on me to make the change and "pull myself up by my bootstraps" or some shit, but that's a thing I just can't do. And I know by thinking that, I'm just digging myself further into the hole and making sure it'll be this way forever, I know it's all my fault and that's one of the most painful things of all.
I'm trapped in a cycle of depression that just makes me want to crawl into bed, cry myself to sleep, and lay there until I starve to death. It's not like anyone would really miss me too much anyway. Oh sure, my friends and family would make a big song and dance about it for a while, but they'd all move on within a month or so and probably be better off without me anyway.
I don't actually want to die, but in a way, I kind of want to want to die if that makes any sense. I wish I had it within me to make that choice and take a way out, rather than being a slave to life and being forced to keep going by my own survival instinct when I just want to be done already. I'm tired, I'm so tired and weary and burnt out from life in general and everything, I feel as though I could crumble to dust any minute.
I don't know, maybe none of this makes any sense, I guess I just want to know that someone genuinely gives a rat's ass about what I have to say, and that I'm not totally incapable of thinking about why I feel the way I feel.
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self.depression
|
new job starts tomorrow, 2 weeks of group training and I can't stop freaking out. I somehow made it through the interviews and passed, and even though I feel like I could do the job just fine (I'll be mostly working by myself), it's these next two weeks of group training (around 100 people) that terrify me. I don't do well in group settings, and usually get panic attacks. I have no idea how I'm going to get through this. I'm trying to take it minute by minute right now, exercised, meditated, cried, but I still feel so overwhelmed and scared. Especially because I know the chance of getting a panic attack tomorrow is super high, and I'll be surrounded by people when it happens. It's also the first time in 6 years that I'm trying a full-time, not work-from-home kind of job, so it's a huge step for me to begin with and may also be why I can't stop feeling terrified about it (and unfortunately my psychologist is still on vacation!). Any advice on how to deal with this?
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self.Anxiety
|
Surviving without a Support Structure? Two years ago I was hospitalized. This was in part due to the fact my entire life was changing before me. I was cheated on by a man I thought I loved (in retrospect it was more codependency than anything but that's besides the point), I left the faith of my childhood, I had a major altercation with a narcissistic family member leaving me cut off from the rest of my family due to the control this person exerts. I have since graduated from college and moved to a new town. I've been here a year. I've made no friends. Work is tough. My mother lives in town and she's supportive but she was abusive when I was a child so it's tough. I have friends in my college town and I reach out to them, but it's not the same as having someone in person. I'm very poor and also have a disability that keeps me from driving. Public transportation here leaves something to be desired. I can't seem to find a hobby I enjoy within transportation range. Everything feels hopeless. I don't know what to do. I'm in counseling and see a psychiatric NP. I've started going to group DBT but nothing feels like it's enough. I'm so lonely and feel so out of control. I don't know what to do or how to regain control over my life. I want people so bad but I can't seem to find any. I'm so fucking lonely. The suicidal thoughts are back and they're getting bad. Is it possible to make it through without a support system in the same city as you? Can it be done? I don't know what to do.
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self.bipolar
|
I should've just done it. I just want to die I have nothing to live for anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Where do adults go when therapy is not enough? My best friend has been suffering from depression for greater then five years now. She needs help beyond therapy, and she knows that. We have been trying to find a residental treatment center for adults but we are having an impossible time.
Does anyone have any recommendations or personal experience? She needs to be somewhere where she is away from outside influences and can focus on herself and her progress and learning coping mechanisms.
Any insight is really appreciated.
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self.depression
|
fuck my life i've been struggling with the urge to kill myself lately, i feel like my hole family just hates me and everything a say is irrelevant, does anyone out there feels the same as me ? or know how to easy the pain
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self.depression
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i need someone to talk to. i havent really talked about my depression nor my thoughts with anybody. its all because of the pressure of finding an apprenticeship, or go to a higher education. its just too much. i really need someone to talk with that can take her/his time to talk a bit with me. thanks.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is Bipolar a leading cause of working below grade level? I'm just curious.
And yes, I used to work below grade level.
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self.bipolar
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Is it my only way
I am writing this to get it off my chest. Any help or advice will be very welcome and greatly appreciated.
I live with my parents, things are pretty tough at the moment, my dad lost his job a few months back and money is tight. He has always been obsessed with money and fears being without it.
I am 21, I suffer with depression, social anxiety, agoraphobia, I self harm a lot.
My dad told me I had to go and find a job or do something before the end of the week or he will kick me out. He said he is sick of the sight of me, he is tired of seeing me everyday and that for the past five years I have done nothing but sit around the house.
What can I do?
I am tempted to just run away and kill myself somewhere where no one will find me. I don't want to kill myself here because I know they won't be able to afford a funeral for me.
I want to just disappear.
How can I do that when I am too afraid to even leave the house.
:(
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self.depression
|
Spoiled Every time I go to therapy, my therapist always points out the people who have struggled with so much worse and gotten through it. According to her, I have "spoiled kid syndrome" and I take my life for granted. And you know what? I do. I had everything fucking handed to me on a goddamn silver platter and I threw it all away. I made myself worse. I dwelled on everything and are almost comfortable being this fucked. Know why? Because its easier. Ive been nothing but a lazy sack of shit my entire life, ruining everything and throwing every chance at a good life away. And for some reason, I dont even care. My therapist asks me all the time what I want in life. I never say anything. How can I say all I want is to die? I've never wanted to live my life, I don't want to constantly live with the despicable human being I am. Everything thats gone wrong in my fucking life is my own damn fault. I don't try to change, I don't make an effort. I dont want to help this scum. I never deserved anything I had and still don't. I've wasted everyones time, resources, money, caring... I've never deserved happiness because I refuse to work for it. I can't fucking wait til I'm finally dead. My family will be upset but yknow, I wont have to spend another second with myself, and thats all I fucking want.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I have tried so many meds... Hey guys,
First of all I wanna say sorry for my bad English. I’ve been diagnosed with depression and anxiety since 2013. I don’t feel motivated at all. I’m 25, no friends, no social life, no work, financially dependent of my parents money. I’ve tried so many medications, talk therapy. I don’t even know why I’m writing this here, I guess I want to find some light in the tunnel idk I’m feeling lost and down. Nothing moves me, I just stopped caring.
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self.depression
|
That moment, when you follow college, but you are not prepared in any way for the job specialization I feel very depressed today... It's been five years, since I've began college in computer science, and they have been the most horrible years of my life. My motivation diminishes with every day that passes, because it is like I cannot GOD Damnit, finish it! I have slight white hair because of it. Worse even, I am not ready in the labor force, because I don't know programming and what branch fits me. At a job that I had, I even almost cried in front of HR. You see? I've followed five years of college, just to become unemployed. I am also isolating myself from people, because I would say only that I have problems. Nobody listens to you, when you have problems or when you feel like you want to cry or curse God or society. And then, they all put the responsibility on you: you are too shy, you are too cynical, you are not willing to make sacrifices, you don't trust people enough. I feel sorry for not transacting on the stock exchange, because even if I know, that it's a sin to take money from others, at least I can be happy taking my revenge on people, on society, for not being wild enough. They are too politically correct, to even empathize with you, not to mention help you. At least kill me, if I am such a burden and a cry-baby.
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self.depression
|
Covert narcissism vs geniune depression(?) Hello, reddit.
Lately I’ve been reading up on covert narcissism and it seems I share a decent amount of symptoms with the general definition. To be specific, the act of drawing pleasure from ‘narcissistic’ sources (attention), excessive self-hate, bad sense of self only upheld by other’s perceptions and jealousy.
I have not been officially diagnosed but I can say that I’m fucking terrified. All I can find online is that they’re evil inside and ‘wolf in sheeps clothing’, I don’t want to be like this. I don’t want to manipulate people. I’m not even sure if this might’ve been what caused my depression (lack of narcissist supply??) or if it was the other way around. Am I doomed to stay depressed if I don’t find someone to ‘supply’ me? Am I just delusional? Can I be fixed if I truly am a narcissist to the core? Jesus christ man I just want to feel happy again.
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self.depression
|
I’m going to see a psychologist soon and going to figure out if I’m Bipolar or not. I think I am. I have the incredible boost in mood and ego,and then suddenly I’m ugly and think I’m alone in the world and my friends always think I’m mad at them because I shut them out suddenly. I feel horrid for it [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I can't stop seeing myself as a bad person who doesn't deserve to be happy. Just gonna apologize ahead of time if this reads weird. Going through a bit of a bad mood at the moment, and I'm not my best at getting my thoughts on screen when I'm like this.
So, most of my life I can recall feeling some form of depression. My dad had been the main cause of that for most of that, as he had abusive parents and wasn't 100% great at being a parent because of that. In more recent years he has certainly improved, but he still has his moments. that aside, I had always had academic problems in school as well. Ever since middle school I've had trouble keeping my grades above a C-D average, and that was at my best. Now as a result of a lot of this environment I've had issues with managing stress all my life. Be it from stressing out about grades to freaking out about weather or not my dad was gonna hit me in the back of the head for messing up something, I had a lot of moments of being hopeless. However in spite of that I at least was usually able to handle it and manage, and was actually able to function most of the time.
I'm 17 now. And for the past few months I've been going through a long ordeal with anxiety, panic attacks, and stress, the likes of which I've never felt. I can't quite put a finger on the exact moment it started, but I started noticing myself feeling way more panicked than usual, unable to handle basic tasks. This was supposed to be my last year in high school, but seeing as I've had multiple days where I'd literally just stare at my paper, not understanding any of the concepts my fellow classmates were clearing on their first attempts, and not do anything while I tell myself how much of a worthless loser I really am, before then tearing up said paper out of frustration after hearing the bell ring-
Well let's just say I've continued getting the same grades as usual, and as a result I'll likely have to go back to repeat the first semester next year. But on the lovely journey to that every night was filled with panic attacks as I desperately tried to get my grades back up. On top of that my dad had excessive work loads and returned to his rather rude attitudes for an extended time (Oh, and my parents don't know that I'm likely to be held back, so that's been fun thinking over).
As a result, I couldn't relax at school or at home, and due to the overall panic from my grades I wasn't even able to relax enough to sleep without taking night-time medicine. My sleep schedule has been an unruly mess ever since. I've been regularly waking up 2-3 hours before my school alarm (despite going to bed incredibly late), even as of yesterday I went to bed around 10:00PM but woke up at 2:00AM this morning and didn't bother to go back to bed.
But where my main issue comes is that my emotions have been a roller coaster with drops and climbs so sharp they're liable to cause neck injuries. I used to have a pretty long fuse. I could even remember back in middle school it took three days straight of a kid repeatedly calling me a faggot before I decided to do anything about it. But now the slightest error will set me off. That if I do something wrong, things would be better if I never got involved. And as a result of all of this, I've become the worst kind of person. The kind of person that's so stuck in their own pit of despair that they've created- And as a result, a lot of the time I honestly feel as though I deserve to be in that pit. That I don't deserve to graduate. That I don't deserve to have a moment to kick back and rest. That I don't deserve to be happy. I've been on a break from school for the past week, but the aforementioned stress has prevented me from doing anything fun or productive, bar playing an unhealthy amount of video games.
...I think that should cover most of it. For those who would be curious, I haven't met a therapist, and I haven't been diagnosed with any mental illness, so in all honesty I'm not even sure if I'm really depressed or just acting like a spoiled brat. I'm not sure how to handle things, and in all honesty I'm not even sure what I'm trying to accomplish writing this. But for what it's worth, it means the world to me you bothered to read this post, and I hope you have a wonderful rest of your day.
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self.depression
|
"Why do you hide out in your room.."
"Why cant you get a job?, there are other people that have depression, schizophrenia that have jobs. We feel your making exuses for youself. I know people that are "deppresed" and they have jobs and dont sit alone in there room and sleep all day.
"Whats wrong with you? If you keep continueing this behavior we wont continue to enable you by letting you live our home and waste your life. You can either change your behavior or we will put you in a mental hospital or you will have to find somewhere else to live............"
I am 23 and living at home with my adoptive parents. I have little to say besides I have diagnosed severe deppresion and social phobia since I was in my teens. I quit my last job 2 years ago. My foster parents have always been the strict stern type "parent" and distant they have never been much of the compassionate understanding type, certaintly not to my current situation.
I dont want to die Im just frustrated at myself and my life circumstances. I dont think about the future I just try and make it through the day.
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self.depression
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Beating anxiety of everything? Hello Everyone,
I come here, because after years of failed therapy and medication and alternative treatment, I reached a point where I am doing quite good objectively, but then again, most of the time, there is only anxiety and it doesn't matter what it is. Sometimes I am anxious about an appointment, a phone call, going to a party, relationships, existential, basically everything.
Can anyone relate to this? I just mean, I am doing so well, and I just don't always want to be afraid of something. If one thing is solved, my anxiety changes to something else and it's terrifying how fast that can go. A perfect example is, when I have a medical treatment, I am anxious and when that is solved and it turns out I have nothing 1-2 hours I feel relieved and then it goes "but you have to eat better or else you will drop dead by 40"
I don't know how to describe it better :(
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self.Anxiety
|
Buying some chocolate at the store... Some older guy (by older, I mean in his 60s/70s) was talking to the person at the till (idk why) and told me that I look 'fed up'...
...even though that was my neutral face. Is that what depression can do to you? Why am I even posting this here?
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self.depression
|
Never heard the "bi-polar" line in Hot N Cold by Katy Perry 'til this morning... [](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTHNpusq654)
"Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love *bi-polar*
Stuck on a roller coaster
Can't get off this ride"
I can not stop thinking about my first manic episode, in which I totally ruined my chances with a long held crush due to delusions and reckless behavior. I guess I'm not over it... I guess I'll put on a mask today... Here's to a happy and healthy Halloween, and **FUCK YOU KATY PERRY!**
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self.bipolar
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I just watched the movie Storks and cried. I just watched Storks and cried.
I'm a grown ass adult woman and I just watched Storks and cried so hard at the end.
It reminded me of how much I want a baby. I will likely never have one and while I can usually push this to the back of my mind, some of the most random things can bring it back to the forefront of my thoughts. This movie was pretty much focused on babies so I probably should've expected emotions, maybe.
PCOS is a bish and I hate her. She made me fat and fucked up my hormones and reproductive system. Anyway.... It was a great movie.
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self.offmychest
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Any else struggle to to relax in their downtime? This has been really bothering me as of late. I just cannot relax! I've got a library full of games waiting for me to play them on Steam and five minutes into a gaming session I begin to feel anxious that I need to be doing other stuff with my time, like work on my projects or do something productive. I sit down to try to watch a TV show that my friend keeps telling me to watch, no joy. Anxiety kicks in! I can't even enjoy my simple hobbies anymore because my anxiety is just so unrelenting. I always feel like there aren't enough hours in the day for me to do whatever I need to do. It's even hindering my ability to learn new things and skills. When I was a kid, I used to be able to fill so many things into my daily schedule but nowadays I'm just a nervous wreck who can't focus on anything.
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self.Anxiety
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Looking for some guidance Before I start I just want to say that I do not think that I am the most depressed person in the world and am not here to try to convince you otherwise. I know that there are a lot of people out there that are struggling much worse than I am but I really just needed someone to talk to.
I have talked to my wife about my depression in the past but it is not something I want to worry her with or be constantly talking about. I know it's stupid and that she loves me but I do not want her to eventually grow tired of constantly trying to make me feel better, which is why I only fill her in when it gets really bad.
I have been my worse critic, I constantly think about how I could have done things better or could be doing things better and how I am a worthless person that deserves whatever I get. I constantly have this feeling that I am always nearing some catastrophic event or have those feelings of an impending doom. It's not whether it is going to happen but more of a when. I feel like others see my flaws just as much as I do. I typically wake up in the middle of the night sweating and all of that self hate and the constant reminders of what I am failing at come rushing back and going wild through my head.
Growing up I think I was mostly mislabeled as having anxiety and I thought this was the case for a long time. Recently I was put on zoloft but even after the adjustment period it never seemed to work well for me and it only gave me inability to orgasm. Stayed off of zoloft for awhile and began to self medicate with Kratom and Phenibut, which made me feel great but it was very short lived. Most recently I started taking wellbutrin extended release, in the beginning it seemed like it was working okay, not a lot had changed but I wasn't getting worse. About 8 weeks into using wellbutrin I started getting more depressed and really quiet, just not really myself. So I stopped taking it for about a week with no major issues. At the beginning of this week I felt very off and was in a very dark dreary mood. I thought maybe if I take a wellbutrin it may go away, but I think it has only exasperated the issue. I have taken it for the past two days and nothing has gotten better. I know that you shouldn't start and stop these types of medications but at some point I felt desperate to feel better.
Any help or comments would be greatly appreciated. Sorry for the long wall of text.
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self.depression
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Anyone else always feel suicidal at night? Every night usually when i'm laying in bed waiting to fall asleep i feel overcome by feelings of isolation and loneliness. I've never had a girlfriend, or really even a close friend because of how strict my parents are. Never been allowed to have a phone with data, or hang out with freinds and I basically stopped using social media because of how they would monitor it etc.etc. Overall I just feel really disconected and unwanted. I honestly dont know why im even saying this seeing that no one here actually cares and even if they did it would never lead to a meaningful or intimate relationship.( Also my lack of social skills makes me afraid of speaking with people online). I understand that having a girlfriend wouldn't fix all of my problems but I still always crave the affection and attention that I see people in relationships get and give. And I know that even after I move out, it will be a long time before I can have the kind of relationship I really want. So honestly why bother?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I made a promise to my boyfriend I don't think I can keep. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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My girlfriend has anxiety problems suicidal thoughts, how can I help her? Hey everyone. So when we got home from last night's party, me and my girlfriend had our usual random drunk honest conversation. I asked her about her on-going anxiety problems and if she still has suicidal thoughts and she said yes but she's 100% sure that she'll never do it because she doesn't want to cause pain to me and her family.
* She's in her last year of her degree but she doesn't enjoy it. She'll randomly break down when she's studying or doing her dissertation.
* She doesn't have a friend in her classes. Not even someone to have lunch with. So sometimes she skips her classes and says "oh don't worry, it's recorded". But one day she said that she hates sitting alone and people would stare at her because she's alone.
* She's a foreign student. She only has me and her best friend (she's far away) here. I always tell her that it doesn't matter how many you have as long as you know you can trust them. I'm a very sociable person but I only have 2 friends too.
* If I'm not home with her she always think that she's alone.
* She doesn't know where her suicidal thoughts are coming from. I feel like she does but she just doesn't want to say it. More than likely because of the things I've written above.
* So last night she say's "Don't worry. I would never do it because I don't want to hurt and burden you or my family." I told her she can't live her life for the sake of someone else. However, when I thought about it while writing this post I sounded very hypocrite. Since my mother passed away, the very main thing that's keeping me going is my 8 year old sister. I want her to be happy and have a bright future.
Before we slept it off, she cried and I said to her that she can always talk to me. I assured her that I'm always here for her but honestly I don't want her to feel this way, that she's alone and I'm just scared that one day she'll do it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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how to develop a sense of self My psychiatrist recently told me that he believes one of my biggest issues is that I base my sense of self and self-worth entirely on other people. I think he's right, I am constantly altering myself to be more appealing to other people and it is crushing when I don't get the energy and love I put into them in return.This had led me to be constantly let down by other people. I know that I need to deepen my sense of self regardless of how other people view me and make decisions based on what I want, not on what I think will make other people like me more. Does anyone have any tips on how to develop this and put it into action? I've heard meditation might be helpful, does anyone have a specific type that has helped them?
Thanks
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self.Anxiety
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Hopeless romantic in a hopeless situation. Long version;
Chapter one:
Currently in 4/5 year of college. Went to hangout at a kind of small house party with friends and met a girl(well call her Maddie). We were all drinking and had a great night. Nothing happened that night. But a few days later, I "slid into her Dms" and was very straight forward," hey, I thought you were really pretty/cool. Would you want to go out sometime? I'd like to get to know you more." Nothing too flashy or crazy. Which got the response, "Hey! The other night was so fun, I hope we can do more of those! But I'm sorry, I can't go out with you. It's nothing personal, I just can't". This immediately struck me as odd but I played it cool, and said,"No need for sorry lol, It's cool! I haven't really dated in quite a while and just felt like I'd take a swing. I had a great time the other night too and I have a feeling there'll be plenty more nights like that to come! So don't let this make it weird! Haha. What's your number?"
So I got her number and we talked for a little bit casually.
Chapter two:
A Quick backstory; I'd already met both her roommates before that night(well call them Shannon, and Carly), Shelby wouldn't leave me alone all night. Was completely hitting on me. She put her number in my phone and texted me, and I immediately kinda confronted her about the flirting and said I just wanted to be friends. Everything was cool! Not a big deal..right?
After a few days of texting Maddie, we went for a late night snack at a local favorite spot. It's was here that I confronted her about her initial response to me asking her out.. what I found odd, was that she said "I can't", not that she wasn't interested.. well, like I thought, she confirmed that Shelby still had a crush on me. Again, I played it cool. NBD..
chapter 3:
Few days later, another little party at their place.. we were texting back and forth from across the room all night, and eventually ended up on the kitchen together. I wanted to kiss her but wasn't sure if I should.. she was giving signs, but the first kiss is always stressful! We started walking back to the living room, but before she turned the corner, i pulled her back, and we kissed. Fireworks. We returned to the party and acted casual. Later, asked her out again! And now she said yes! But the night before our date, she had to tell Shelby about it.. Shelby made a stink and so she canceled on me..
chapter 4:
Invited her to a movie night at my place a few days later.. made her dinner, watch a movie and she slept over. Fireworks. Asked her out again. She said yes. Dinner went great. Went back to my place, we were watching a movie, and Shelby is blowing up her phone; not happy... then Shelby dropped the bomb;" this is why i almost committed suicide in hs". game over. She left. And salvaged her friendship with her roommate/best friend..
Chapter 5;
This went on for a while, anytime we hung out we'd sneak away and make out. Even spent the night at her place once and snuck out in the morning before anyone was awake. Eventually I had enough of it, and confronted Shelby. Maddie is very unconfrontational and didn't want to lose her bestfriend for this new boy. Valid. This means Shelby doesn't know about anything except the dinner date.. doesn't know about all the kissing/sex/sleep overs.
I had tried to talk to Shelby, but it just made it worse..
Eventually I was fed up, and told Shelby off. And gave up.. sorta.
It's the most frustrating thing ever. This girl I'm crazy about. And we worked so well together, but her roommate was standing in the way. Still not over it. Her smile drives me crazy like nothing I've ever experienced. Drives me crazy to see her on social media. We occasionally keep up still. But there's still the roommate and basically zero chance of anything ever happen..
TLDR; Was dating a girl in secret because her roommate/best friend had a crush on me. We tried to tell roommate multiple times, but roommate continued to stand in the way. Girl isn't willing to lose her best friend over the new boy she just met. Even though we still flirt and it drives us both crazy we can't be together.
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self.offmychest
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Been depressed for so long that i cant remember the last time i was myself. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Am I the problem? Venting. Hey all, I [F22] need peace of mind in regards to my relationship with my boyfriend [M24] of 2 years. I grew up in a (mentally) unstable house and I’ve struggled with depression/anxiety since around age 12. Ive been through a lot in regards to both parents playing my emotions, as well as some abusive relationships, and even sexual assault that occurred just weeks before I met my boyfriend (~1.5 years ago). I’m very heightened by my emotions right now but I need to capture this all while I’m feeling it. I think the main issue I’m having is that my boyfriend doesn’t understand my emotions and how to approach me when I’m in a volatile state. It’s starting to really weigh down on us.
Lately I’ve been in a downward mental spiral since I’ve graduated, mostly due to financial reasons and the fact that my parents are finalizing a divorce (extra emphasis on the family baggage). So recently, some bad anxiety during a GRE exam led to a bad grade that got automatically sent to all of the fucking grad schools I applied to, including my dream school. Just my luck, right? My application was -ok- before that, but I know for a fact I’ll be turned away from my #1 program before they even get a chance to see what I have to say in my personal statement. So, for all intents and purposes, at this point I’m just waiting for the official rejection of a dream I’ve had for about 3 years now. I found out the grade got sent about a week ago and to phrase it best, I feel ruined.
At first my boyfriend’s response to all of this was that the rest of my application is so great, all of the schools will probably just overlook the faulty GRE grade and accept me anyway. I understand is the best and most supportive thing that he could possibly tell me in this situation. However, as this week has progressed on I’ve had to fight back the depression harder and harder, and this is starting to eat away at me. Everything blew up today when my boyfriend had to change around plans on me (we were supposed to go somewhere together, but then we ended up getting lunch and going to do something else). To a normal person this isn’t a big deal at all. It seems as if I have no control over the slightest thing setting me off, which I’m frankly ashamed of, but I’m the moment I nearly lost it when my boyfriend said he was going to leave and go home to get ready for a gig he had later on this evening. Seeing that he didn’t have much interest in staying any longer, i told him to “just go home, it seems like that’s what you want to do” (sounds like the same fucking bullshit that would come out of my mom’s mouth and it makes me HATE myself). He the proceeded to just walk out the door and leave.
I went from pretending to not give a single fuck to desperately texting and spam calling him in tears begging him to come back. He just said that I was in the wrong, that should be over the grade thing by now, that I’m such a negative person always, and that I was gaslighting him by saying I didn’t feel like he cared about my emotions. The truth? I do feel like he cares, but only when my emotions are rationally explained. But when I’m in a depressive state and I try to talk to him, his response is “wah” it telling me I’m acting like a cliche depressed person on tumblr (???) (I don’t even use tumblr). I feel like maybe we’re both at fault but the blame always ends up in my side of the court, because my stupid fucking irrational tendencies. I feel like I’m pushing him away so he willingly leaves, but then I beg for him back when I actually see him go. And it feels like shit that he can’t recognize when I’m needing the extra attention and affection because I’m depressed. I feel like an irrational freak, but I also feel like he should try and be more understanding. Sometimes I wonder why he doesn’t just leave me if I’m such a miserable human being. Sometimes I wonder if being with him is inhibits my growth. Or maybe being in a relationship just turns me into this stupid little depressed and manipulative bitch. At the end of the day I just hate myself, no matter who is at fault.
I’m not proud and I don’t think that mental illness is an excuse to be a bitch, but I just wish he understood where I was coming from. Maybe then these fights wouldn’t happen so much.
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self.depression
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Mother said that the biggest mistake in her life was to have a failure and miserable son like me
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self.depression
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Pushing away friends I can't manage to be in a good mood anymore. I'm lonely and sad and then I'm in flux to apathetic. I can't be fun with my friends, I can't be fun at all. I just want to be in a better place. I'm going to counseling but the winter and living where I am is really taking a toll on me. I can't even write to escape anymore. I'm going insane.
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self.depression
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Question about Coping Does anybody ever think about a new hobby that they were passionate about starting? Something new you looked forward to doing but never really got totally immersed or got around to doing it?
When I think about this I feel like a disappointment to myself because I no longer feel any thrill at the idea of doing that new thing. I find that this happens a lot for me and I think about it several times a day within a week.
Has anybody ever felt something like this? Did things ever change?
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self.depression
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Whats the point of living a life you hate It's just so empty, bleak, and numb. 6 years is coming up too fast. Am I just supposed to wait six more.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Can someone tell me they’re having a nice day I just want to hear someone that’s happy right now at this moment.
I don’t want people saying “It’ll get better” or anything like that.
I just want to see people happy on this sub since I’m not.
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self.Anxiety
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Maybe something will happen, maybe not, regardless I’m happy... I’m at a point in my life where I just don’t care anymore. Maybe I’m just seeing things or maybe i got really lucky. Regardless, this girl just has me going crazy. She’s my best friend and I love the girl to death (i mean that ina Friendly way). I’ve always had feelings for her and I think she knows that. However lately I’ve seen such a change in Her. Now she talks about how she always wants something serious and with someone, and I can see she’s done playing around when it comes to the whole dating thing. The way shes been acting towards me is driving me crazy. She’s been so sweet to me lately. What used to be friendly and playful “luv ya” ‘s at the end of a night or a FaceTime are now more serious “I love you” ‘s. And oh boy when she looks at me I just melt on the inside. In that smile I see everything. That smile breaks down every wall I try to put up. In that smile I see my future and someone I want to grow and go through it all with. The amount of butterflies in my stomach is just making me so happy :) maybe I’m seeing things, maybe I’m not. Maybe something is happening, or maybe not. Regardless, even if it’s all just one huge miscommunication and its nothing at all; I’m so happy at the moment. So much so that I’m up at 4 in the morning on the day of my English final without a care in the world. I’ve been so depressed for so long. I was closed off from everything and had no faith in life at all. It’s these kinds of little jolts of happiness that just keep me going. I don’t care if it’s temporary or not real. The feeling I’m feeling right now is worth whatever the harsh reality is.
I don’t have anyone to vent this too so thank you for listening Reddit :) not for advice or anything. Just venting something I couldn’t tell anyone else
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self.offmychest
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I feel empty. Almost everything I've felt these last few years are fake. Everything just kept draining from me, inside out. Now almost everything negative is coming back. I can't handle these flashbacks, these thoughts. Every fucking day is like the same thing. If I love today, I've lived the next month. You know that Vaas's iconic sentence? "Do you know... The definition of insanity? It is doing the same fucking thing, over and over again, and expecting shit to change." Why keep moving on? What moves me on? I've been mocked by this, with people saying I wouldn't do it, that I was too much of a pussy to do it. But this... Everyday I just go further down the rabbit hole. Why not just go all the way down?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I need to talk about my trauma TW: suicide, rape, depression, hurt
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I've felt like shit for the last two weeks and just today in trying to vent about shit
These are really out of order sorry about that (but I'll sort them by kid - teenager adult) (I'm 19 now)
Kid
When i was a kid I hung out with this older kid (he was in 5th grade) one time he came over unexpectedly and we were alone and he started saying weird things like "wanna touch my penis" and "if you tell anyone I'm here I'll leave" and I got scared he didn't wanna be my friend anymore so I did..
I saw my dad have a heart attack, I was just a little kid and my dad came in so I went to see him but he was all sweaty and stumbling around and then he fell forward on to his bed (he survived thank God)
Home life in general has always been bad (my parents don't love each other, I'm not going to make myself feel better by telling myself they do anymore because it's obvious they don't) they constantly fight and neither of them have jobs so we usually don't have that much food (I have a job now so it's not as bad)
One time my sister and I were walking home from school and got hit by a car. I pushed her out of the way (thank God) and ended up with a broken wrist and broken ankle)
Pre teen
I was bullied a lot in school for my fashion sense, having taped up glasses, etc. I really didn't have any friends either. So I started lashing out online and I said some fucking terrible things, shit I can't believe I said to this day
And from there things escalated into real life, I had knives pulled on me, attacked at a talent show, the principal straight up said to me "they're just getting back at you for what you said" and the school resource officer said if things continued they'd give me a criminal record (this all happened over ages 12-13-14)
Then at the end of the year I got taken away from my parents and put into a foster home (they separated me from my siblings so I was just alone) I ended up in a group where everyone was considerably older (not adults but older than I was) and there was a lot of sexual tension between people there which stressed me out and made me feel inferior. Not to mention that we only got maybe an hour outside (when the supervision decided it was ok, so not even everyday) and all our downtime was spent in a small lounge watching TV
I finally got out of there after 8 months and into a foster home. It started out great!! They let me use their laptop and everything. But then they let a relative take off with the laptop (oh well what can you do). I just played outside that was ok. But my foster mom made fun of me for my incontinence issues (even fucking pulled my pants down once and asked "did you shit yourself?") Also I flap my hands a lot for stimulation and she'd get angry at me for doing that.
Teenager
I got out of the foster home and things just kinda got stagnant up until high school, that's when I started to feel depressed and shitty all the time -i finnally ended up in inpatient and I thought everything was going to be ok when I got home. Lol nope. I'd either get sent home everyday or I'd just stay home. They wanted to put me back in inpatient but I said no because my parents got mad whenever they got a call from the school saying I had to go to the trauma center
I eventually dropped out (it was a Voc-Tech school) and got put into another school (I dropped out for good after being here for a year and getting into fights a lot)
I started doing drugs. Started with pot but then I found out certain anxiety and pain meds can get you high. I felt awesome all the time and even found a girl!! Everything seemed ok. Not ideal but ok.
Eventually things with the girl got fucked up and culminated in us meeting (her mom didn't like me and it was obvious). It didn't go good at all. Whatever. (I honestly had no idea what to do and I didn't want to have sex)
After the sleep over, things just went off the rails, and I took a shit ton of Xanax and ended up in the hospital. First thing I did when I woke up was message her and tell her what happened... And she started telling me that it's all my fault, suicide is cowardly, etc. I had a meltdown in the hospital but calmed down eventually and went to inpatient again (spent Christmas there)
Once I got home I messaged her (lol massive fucking mistake) and told her I missed her and thought about her etc. Her response? "My friend bought me a vibrator for Christmas" and then showed me pics. I can't even explain how hurt I felt. In retrospect I should have seen it coming but it fucked me up.
I spent the next few weeks agonizing over this, culminating in me pouring my heart out to her one night. She screen capped my messages and sent them to her friends then showed me their reactions. They said shit like "he's so pathetic" etc. At this point I was hurt enough already this barely phased me.
Then one night she was really high and called me and asked if I wanted to see her masturbating... I said no but she still sent me a video of her using her using her vibrator with the friend that bought it for her over Skype.
That... Broke me, I don't trust anyone sexually anymore, sex is one of my biggest insecurities. But for some fucking reason I still talked to her after that, I'd say stuff like "I wanna get plugs and dye my hair black" and she'd be like "no that'd look ugly on you lol", like ok. Fine.
I eventually got rid of her.
So I made a new friend. He was cool. We smoked weed together n shit. Eventually he started showing interest in me, and I was interested in him. One night things kinda escalated, we were smoking pot in my room and he kept saying "hey Chris come here" so eventually I did. We kissed. Ok. I was ok with it. Maybe I wasn't idfk I was high as shit. It escalated to him jerking me off (I didn't want to but I didn't want him to be mad either) and then I did the same thing to him. I kinda just didn't think about that (and really haven't until I told my counselor recently) and whatever
Back to more on that girl Flash forward up to about two months ago (the entire first part with her happened back in 2015) I messaged her to check up, I figured it would be ok, it'd been a long time after all
So we talked. She was acting sexual and saying really sexual things and said she wanted to see me but to bring cigarette money. I did. I walked like 4 miles and we met up. She took the cigarette money and walked away. I was like ok. So I walked home and attempted suicide again (no one knows about this hehe) but would you look at that I woke up in the morning. Ok.
Things have just been shit ever since then, I'm having trouble trusting people, my sexual insecurities are always bubbling just below my surface, and I don't have any friends around here. I want relationships but I don't know where to start, who I can trust and it physically hurts when people touch me. I feel genuinely hopeless for the future and my life today but writing this makes me feel a little better so that's cool I think
|
self.depression
|
Had a full blown panic attack First full on ever, my god did that shit freak me out! Does anyone have any tips for coping if I'm alone and no medication?
|
self.bipolar
|
I need help My abusive ex who I was stupidly on and off with for the past 4 years succeeded in getting me fired today. I feel so defeated right now. Work was one of the last things I have left and I feel like this just pushed me to the edge. I'm so close to just ending things tonight and I don't know what to do.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
It's been a month since I tried to kill myself and I haven't felt this low in awhile. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I work for a health insurance company and I think what they're doing is supremely messed up [NAW] Cigna created this program called "One Guide" and it's where people pay a few dollars more per month on their premiums for this specialized service. People's employers usually control whether or not the accounts are One Guide, so you don't really get much of a choice of whether or not you have this added service that you pay for. It comes out to pretty big profits when you consider that most employer groups Cigna services are huge, hundreds of thousands of policy holders.
They market it as "personalized health support and advice" but it boils down to them marketing extra products and services to you every time you call in to Cigna for information about your account or a claim. People call in and the One Guide reps try to get them to talk about their health issues or concerns, or just anything in their personal lives really, and the One Guide rep has a little drop down menu of trigger words they're selecting from the whole time. Words like autism, weight loss, stress, depression, etc.
And that generates a list of services and products the One Guide reps try to sell to you even if you were just calling in to check the status of a claim. Very little of what they offer is complimentary. And Cigna is moving to make ALL accounts One Guide accounts. The training for One Guide sounds awful, I sit across from a guy who was in his One Guide training in a virtual classroom and it sounded like he was being trained on how to manipulate people and make them feel like they needed to buy these products. There was a whole segment on convincing mentally ill people to pay for services through Cigna and Cigna partners etc.
I don't know, it just seems messed up.
|
self.offmychest
|
things I need to get off my chest . . . [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
Fake friends stab you in the back. Real ones stab you in the front. I just woke up to the last person I thought would send me a friend request, and I'm not sure how to process it, given how they fucked me and a good friend over. I've posted about this before somewhere else, but I'll try to give the cliff notes version.
____________
I'm in a small, yet fiercely loyal fan community, and I've been in it for well over a year now. After joining, I started befriending some like-minded individuals, one of whom I'll call Tom. Tom is a few years younger than me, but we soon established this big brother-little brother connection.
We're both aspiring artists, and we'd spend days at a time just talking about music, scripts, the shit show that was our family lives and all of that. At some point, he tells me about someone he does videos with in the circle and something fairly dark - who I'll refer to as Sam. Sam is in their late 20s or early 30s, and Tom said they have, quote, "pedophilic tendencies" - having some sort of feelings for a minor in the community. Tom has warned them that they'll get into serious trouble if they get caught (no shit), and I stupidly kept my mouth shut.
The summer rolls by, and a lot of us plan on meeting at a convention - Tom planning on going with Sam and another person, who I'll call Cara. I was set to go with a friend outside the community and one within, who I'll call Max. Max took on a dad role for Tom due to his crappy home life and both of us stepped up when he got kicked out of his youth group for coming out. In the days leading up to the convention, Tom and Max had a nasty falling out over a "joke" - which resulted in Tom blocking Max and proceeding to trash him. Shortly after this, people began turning on him - despite it slowly coming out in whisper that Sam, Cara, and Tom have been instigating fights and have anonymously sent threats to other in the circle who planned on going to future cons.
At the con, Max was taken out of the meet line by security due to a complaint sent in by who the person implied was Tom, Cara, and Sam. We talked to the two people who brought us all together as a community about it, and they reassured us they never issues the order to bar us from seeing them. However, weeks later, Tom would have more people turn on Max - and eventually, me; despite all the work Max and I did to form plans in the event he got disowned by his family. To this day, I don't know what Tom told people about me to get them to unfriend/block me.
Which brings us to now. I just woke up, and guess who sent me a friend request? Motherfucking Tom. I really don't know how to even feel about this, and I don't want to bring it up to Max since the guy has gone through enough with the community as it is - let alone how people turned on them and not Sam, who likely has a "I'll wait for you" thing with said minor, who, as of posting this, is either 12 or just turned 13. I'm just baffled at this point. Like, how are you going to drag someone who'd take a bullet for you, exploited your trust, only to act like we're cool now?
Am I overreacting? What would you guys do in this situation?
|
self.offmychest
|
My dog, of whom has been with us for 12 years, died yesterday and I can’t come to terms with it. I feel guilty for not knowing she was sick, I hooked her up that morning with her looking at me and not wanting to leave her kennel; I don’t know when she died exactly because I wasn’t home and my mother found her in the afternoon.
I feel so guilty and hate myself for not staying with her and making sure she was okay, that feeling is one I’ll have for the rest of my life and can never let go of.
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm totally ok with being simple minded There's such an emphasis on being intellectual and analytical nowadays, especially among the younger generations. People post about wanting to have "deep conversations" with their partner and whatnot on social media. I'm not anti-science or anything but frankly I don't really care about how things work. I like the songs I like because they sound good, not because the lyrics "speak" to me. I do what I do because it feels good, not because of some motivation to achieve or advance humanity. I just want to watch a movie that makes me laugh, complex "mind fuck" movies frustrate me. I like girls who are pretty, I couldn't care less about how they view the world. I'd love more than anything to make a decent living doing repetitive manual labor in a factory. I have no desire to travel or change the world. I try to read acclaimed books like Dune and LOTR but they don't hold my attention. Everyone seems so excited about learning this or experiencing that and I try to be too but really I just want to go watch TV. This is me and I'm honestly ok with it but most people seem to dislike this kind of person.
|
self.offmychest
|
Well I'm taking anti-psychotics now Ive made like 5 threads in the past month here, I'll be super vague.
Girl fucked me over - intense anxiety for 2 months - taking escitil (lexapro) - intense depression and anger - suicidal and homicidal thoughts - police takes me - I get put into mental hospital on 13th of October and I'm still here.
They took me off lexapro and started giving me various meds. They changed it like 10 times, I have no idea what I was taking at the beginning. Last 2-3 weeks I've been taking Depakine and Sertraline (zoloft) in the morning and Valdoxan, Kventiax and Depakine in the evening. Nothing really changed.
2 days ago I noticed my morning pill got changed. I asked, and I'm apparently taking Solian (amisulpride), which is an anti-psychotic. Cool stuff. I actually do feel better, my mood improved in the past 2 days. From what I've seen, people really dislike anti-psychotics.
Anyone else here have been on anti-psychotics?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I wonder what it feels like to be a normal fucking person Or is everyone like this and some are just better at hiding it?
It must be pretty cool to not always fuck things up, or overthink things, or second guess everything; live with confidence and pride and resilience. Go to bed easily without spending an hour thinking about how badly you fucked up some stupid thing a year ago
seriously is anyone actually like this? is anyone truly happy? in the world?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Thinking about weaning myself off meds Just doing it to see if I can be stable without them
|
self.bipolar
|
My friend might try to kill himself tonight and idk what to do He's at a concert right now and said he wanted to throw himself on the train tracks affterward. I told some of our friends and one of them is waiting for him just in case. Is one friend enough? Should I call the police?
This isn't the first time he's talked about killing himself but he has also never attempted. Maybe it's like all the other times and won't do anything? Idk man
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I Feel Crushed Today I got my PSAT scores and I feel crushed. I can’t afford to go to college and my only chance at a good college was the PSAT because of the scholorship . The section which I felt the most confident on, the Grammar portion, I did the worst on. Had I gotten 2 more questions right on that portion I would have 100% made the finalist cutoff. I feel as if all my efforts and long-sleepless nights were wasted. To have come from a score that was below the 50th percentile to then studying relentlessly (forsaking interactions with my closest friends) and the missing the cutoff by 2 questions on arguably the EASIEST portion of the test has elicited deep sorrow for me. The fact that I was so close on a test that would have effectively freed me from debt I could by no mean handle is crushing. I don’t know what I am expecting from this post, but I just had to get it off my chest.
P..S- This is a throwaway because my friends know my real.
|
self.offmychest
|
Zoloft, experiences? Crippling depression, anxiety, feeling of worthlessness As title says. Any experiences? I am lost and finally succumbed to going to my doctor and he appointed me these meds, I have just started taking them. Do they work for you? Side effects? How has it affected your life?
I sometimes struggle to even get out of bed, and I overthink and get anxious about the smallest things. It is making it so damn hard to cope and I hardly ever feel like a normal person.
Join this up with a family that wants me to get a really good education, and me hardly being able to get through it makes it rough, the whole society just expects you to perform so much.
I feel like I am about to hit a wall, but I hope I can finish my education before I crash and burn.
Sorry for the rant.
|
self.depression
|
Someone in my social anxiety group said I wouldn't know (parent and child dynamics) because I didn't have anybody. A bit harsh, but its true. I don't. But I know that not every one on this planet could do what I've had to do for the last few years. I'm a bit more proud now of my independence. While others have relationship struggles, I just chill. I like that freedom.
|
self.depression
|
Seeing a GP on Friday, what should I expect? Hi,
I'm 28, male, in Scotland.
I've booked an appointment to talk to my GP on Friday to discuss mental health. I'm terrified because I don't know what to expect, and was looking for some stories about what it was like when you sought help from someone the first time.
Thanks in advance
|
self.depression
|
Title I feel freaked out in a very dull way, because I feel closer to death than I ever have before. The panic and extreme emotion is gone, I feel as though I will likely kill myself in the next year or so, it's more of an acceptance now and I'm catching myself making plans too harm myself that lack the drama that marked my previous experiences. I'm vaguely worried. That's about it.
|
self.depression
|
advice - peeping Tom So I went to the bathroom last night and I heard in almost perfect clarity my roommate and her girlfriend going at it, and it sounds hot. Next thing I know, I'm touching myself, because it feels so wrong, and it's pretty steamy. Now it's the morning after and I feel like a sleazeball and am racked with guilt, and I fear I won't be able to look at my roommate the same way again. Is this Justified? Should I feel as guilty as I do? She trusts me. Am I making a bigger deal out of this than it is?
|
self.offmychest
|
Down for the holidays Around my friends for Thanksgiving but I'm feeling more isolated and alone than ever. All I want is someone to notice that I want it to end, or that I don't want to feel alone anymore
|
self.depression
|
Why can't I ever do it? I mean that's it. I think about killing myself more than I'd like to admit, but anytime I really think about it I just can't. Is it the fear of the pain or the unknown? Dying unforgiven? I don't know anymore but I can't find any happiness anymore
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Advice for moving on after a parent commits suicide? I was especially close with my dad. He died in 2009 and I was only 9 years old. It took me a long time to find peace with myself but I feel like I'm falling right back into depression.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I made it to a milestone and kicking anxiety’s ass! Hey guys first time posting here just wanted to say how excited i am today marks a month I’ve been in BJJ and I couldn’t be happier. a little over a month ago I had the absolute worst anxiety attack of my life so bad it caused me to quit my job. I had a 3 day straight panic attack honestly not sure what triggered it right off, but after I collected myself I got really angry with my anxiety and finally said fuck you! I’m not letting you control my life any longer so I did something I wanted to do since I was a kid join a marital arts school learn something new and force myself out of my comfort zone. I couldn’t be happier with myself I enrolled back into school and I start my new job Monday. I’ve had anxiety for years I’ve doubted myself in so many things I wish I had done that little voice in your head telling you you can’t do it or you’re worthless is just a voice with nothing to back it up. You guys can do anything!
|
self.Anxiety
|
Good riddance. My ex best friend:
1. Who makes me feel like shit for being "unhelpful" with her self inflicted problems
2. Getting mad when I sought help because her problems are getting me depressed
Now she's mad because I made a joke about her finally getting back on her feet.
Her words, "when you have a problem, I'll remember not to do to you what you did to me. Be more sensitive". At this point, I'm just done playing as the bigger person and called her out on her bullshit and it felt so fucking good.
|
self.offmychest
|
I left my house today Hello everyone.
I'm a long time lurker on this subreddit and just as for everyone else here, it's very hard for me to get up in the morning. I spend my weekends staying in bed for 14-16 hours, only waking up when my back starts to hurt. I have no motivation to do anything, and the things I still am doing are just carried over legacy from my prior life, that conveniently became a habit. My only wish for the longest time was to one day not wake up at all.
I've read somewhere that the best way to help a depressed friend is to give them something to look forward to -- make plans, arrangements, invite them somewhere or just say things like "see you tomorrow". Unfortunately I don't have any friends who would do that -- in fact, realistically speaking, I don't have any friends at all. Every day the thought of living out my life alone, just to have a funeral to which no one would come, was eating me from inside. I didn't want it to end like this and was always desperately hoping that something would magically change. It never did.
After all, there's no reason it should. Nobody will start caring for me if I can't even bother to care about myself. How can I blame them?
As I was mindlessly browsing Reddit I had a random thought -- "what if I could actually help a depressed friend?.... one that, by some weird coincidence, is also **me**.". But what can I do? Let's invite them somewhere! I checked my local cinema websites, found the first movie that sounded interesting and ordered one ticket for the third row seat in the middle. I didn't think at all while I was doing it, I just did it. I remember feeling lazy, "I could just stay home instead" or "why am I even doing it?". I didn't care. I had plans for tomorrow. Even though I could easily refund the money I paid for it, I was already set on the path of least resistance -- simply waiting till tomorrow, which I was, for once, anticipating.
That day, despite being absolutely ordinary, was the happiest I've felt in months, maybe a year. The movie was really good ("The Greatest Showman") and I enjoyed it. On my way back I took the scenic route and was just smiling to everyone I passed on the street -- to which most of them smiled back. I went into a cafe place I've never been to before and ate the tastiest apple pie. I went to a shop near my house (that I didn't even know was there) and bought some pastries to eat throughout the next week. I also bought a chocolate bar that I'm planning to give my friend tomorrow, one which probably also doesn't care about me but it's fine -- **because I care about myself**.
|
self.depression
|
This question really made me reconsider my life If you killed yourself last year, what would you not have experienced?
Even if it’s something little like a good burger. That little moment of happiness keeps you going.
|
self.depression
|
I don't know what to do anymore Since December my life has gone down hill. My relationship of 2 years that forced so many people out of my life ended abruptly and without any warning signs. I got fired from my job, and found out I have a small tumor behind my eye. Everything feels so empty and I have zero ideas as to how to feel okay again. I have tried for years to seek help through free means like church based group therapy as I do not have insurance of any kind. I have been on and off anti-depressants since I was 14 and now I have almost no one left in my life. I sit at home and just contemplate how I can find a way to end everything.
This is a throw away account as my regular account has a name I use everywhere else. Please don't take that as a bad thing.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Somebody please kill me... I don’t belong here on earth... I am just way too different... Society despise me...
|
self.depression
|
Institutionalized I was put in a mental health clinic for 6 weeks in Germany due to my psychotic break. I'm afraid it fucked me up for good. What do I do to come to terms with the fact that I spent so much of my life in a locked up environment? I think it permanently altered the way I think I feel. Not to mention. I was forcibly medicated with Risperdol which totally fucked me up. Does anyone know of success stories of people who are instutionalixed for so long and come out feeling ok eventually?
|
self.bipolar
|
Really hating myself today Not that I don't hate myself on regular days, it's just especially bad today. I had some things to do today but I didn't do them because I couldn't bring myself to leave the house. I'm just super embarrassed about how I look and I feel like people are gonna stare. I'm stressing the fuck out
|
self.depression
|
I should've never been born... My life there is no love, there's only fake love because I do everything nobody else wants to. They say I live in their house, but so what? I get treated like a slave and make only $75 a week to watch my sisters kids with no limit of how long... I get lied to that there isn't something better out there, I get called selfish for wanting more for my life and everything they say to me is hateful because they find me hateful. It'd be nice to escape but I know nowhere to go. I have no friends and I've never had someone to love. People can only stay at home and watch their sisters kids for so long without any knowledge of the outside world for so long until they feel completely alone inside.
|
self.depression
|
I feel like everything bad that happens is my fault When things start going good im my life, I always end up doing something to fuck it up. I have no goddamn clue why I sabotage myself like this, I want nothing but to be happy, but I end up ruining things for myself. I finally climb out of the never ending pit of despair of my depression for a girl and I end up screwing my situation. The few friends I have want nothing to do with me, and the girl I love could care less what happens with me. I feel like I will be family-less and friend-less forever, I just want my constant pain to end.
|
self.depression
|
Started Trileptal. Any thoughts on how to manage side effects? Hi! I was recently diagnosed with bipolar. I was previously on Lamictal, but I got hives on my feet and elbows that started spreading. So, my psychiatrist changed me to Trileptal 300 mg morning and night.
I was wondering, how do y'all deal with the side effects? What are the side effects you've experienced?
I know that I should be thankful that mood stabilizers are working, but I really don't know how to cope with how tired I feel. And I'm afraid of the acne side effect. Skincare is one of the only hobbies I really enjoy and it makes me super sad that something that helps me feel stable could interfere with the hobbies I care about.
|
self.bipolar
|
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