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What would you have done!?!?! I️ was on my way to work this morning and I️ watched five guys steal a bike and the lock. I️ kept walking and got on the train. But everyone else says they would have stopped I️t. I’m from New York we mind our own business. What would you guys have done?
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self.offmychest
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Anyone else trying the Paleo Diet? Is anyone else trying the Paleo diet for the new year? I’m embarking on it to help me lose antipsychotic weight.
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self.bipolar
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No hope in this world I feel so hopeless everything looks so dark I’m so tired of existing maybe I need to suck it up just keep sucking it up and moving forward but to what. What am I fighting for I’m so tired of feeling this way. I wish I would’ve died on September 7th 2016. I cant help it I just cant help it I’m so tired of my existence.
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self.depression
|
Pretty sure I'm getting hypomanic at a bad time I'm losing my job. I've known this for some time but I haven't known what my new job offer was going to be. I found out yesterday and it is very disappointing. I have a 1:1 to negotiate on Wednesday and I have a week to accept or reject the offer. If I reject it then I go on unemployment. If I accept it as is then I'm doing the same job for less money and less benefits.
I slept maybe 4 hours last night. I'm lashing out at people. I'm having some hallucinations. This is just a really fucking bad time for this to happen when I have to have my shit together tomorrow.
I don't even know what to do.
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self.bipolar
|
trouble talking to people I want to talk to someone so much and tell themhow shit i feel but i cant i hate talking about myself and i hate thinking i have problems when other people have it worse than me i feel like i should just quit complaining im so stuxk in my mind
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self.depression
|
I wish suicide was much easier. If I have a little button that kills me instantly the millisecond I press it then I would be happy, that if anything beyond wrong happens to me then I can press it. The internet does not seem to help me find good ways to die and neither are people in the real world. I hear constantly about "think about your loved ones" and it does nothing but think about dying even more.
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self.depression
|
My life is progressing but i feel nothing After one of the hardest few months for me and my mental health, I'm starting an internship with a post production company in Toronto as part of my college program. I started last week and it's nice, but I don't think I'm as excited or happy as I should be. The whole time leading up to the interview, me getting the job, me moving to Toronto, and me starting my first day, I just felt so... indifferent. Like I couldn't bring myself to give a fuck about what most people would call a major step in their life... I wish I could be more excited about getting this opportunity but it's like I physically can't be...
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self.depression
|
Welcome to my life. Have you ever messed up very little, but it feels like you’ve just ruined everything and that everyone hates you now because of it? Or that you’ve made everyone else feel terrible because of what you’ve done? Which causes an anxiety attack that lasts a whole hour. And then you just have an aching feeling in your chest and want to avoid everyone and stop existing because everything you do seems to be the wrong thing to do and you’re a burden to all those around you? So you decide to just stop talking to people in the hopes that you’ll stop messing up, which will just make your problems worse.
Please tell me I’m not the only one, because it feels like I can’t breathe any more.
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self.depression
|
Please help. Feeling a panic attick coming up. [trigger warning] Hi guys,
Currently standing in my shower, feeling really nervous, my heart is beating really fast, well you guys know the drill.
I am having a cold and slept for 3 hours this afternoon, Since I woke up I am not feeling great, tired, can't breath wel due to my cold.
I nearly had one in the supermarket this morning, but I could avoid it by focussing on other things.
But this time it is not going away, does anyone wants to give tips on what you guys do when ever this is happening?
I usally take a shower, watch some tv, trying to focus on breating (this makes me more nervous, so I don't do this often, but 'people' say it helps) or I pet my cats.
Maybe some of you have better tips, or maybe apps that help? Many Thanks in advantages.
- I already feel a tiny bit better by telling it to you guys, I don't really have a good support systeem I can share it with. I am in therapy (EMDR). I will ask my therapist for good tips as well when I see her again.
Edit: what helps most for me, is watching Tati on youtube, she is a beauty-youtuber and has the most amazing voice ever. Maybe some of you would like this too.
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self.Anxiety
|
Time to be normal. Disclaimer: I wrote this over the course of several days and there is no real cohesive train of thought. Each paragraph is a different day at the hospital. I just want to vent, but I don't want pity from my friends, so I'm posting here...
Man this shit is so surreal. Seeing her so helpless and not able to do anything. Life is fucking weird.
The human body is a ticking time bomb. That shit is too profound for my dumb ass to have made that up on the spot, I know I'm probably stealing it from somewhere. It's ironic how we feel so invincible as kids, but it couldn't be further from the truth. You see so many people in your day to day life without knowing what pain they carry. Who they've lost.
Without experiencing first hand a tragic moment it's hard to conceptualize the feeling. The hopelessness you feel when you stare at her. The fucking uncomfortable tension in the room. I couldn't even look at her, seeing her and knowing there's not a damn thing I could do for her. I know now that I am weak.
I only knew her for about a decade, but during that time she was amazing. So full of life, so many stories of all the places she lived. She spoke her mind, she was funny, she was kind. I spoke to her about an hour before her aneurysm bled. I don't even remember what it was about, seems so long ago.
In a way I guess it was a blessing that it happened so suddenly and she didn't have to suffer for long. It's just hard seeing my dad like this. The doctors say there is nothing they can do but artificially keep her alive through tubes and fluids, but my dad keeps breaking down each time he sees her. Always keeping hope, don't know if I'm envious or feel pity for his unashamed optimism.
If God designed us in his image does that mean he also has a lethal flaw just waiting to short circuit? Is it his rage? Is it his jealousy? I don't know where I was going with this since I haven't read the Bible or been to church in ages, guess I'm just bitter today. What if he's already dead? Passed away from an aneurysm that just snuck up on him, or whatever can kill an all powerful being, and all the celestial doctors and surgeons couldn't do anything but keep him breathing until his light finally went out.
Whenever I pull up to the hospital I always see an ambulance decorated in colorful decals of cartoon animals and characters. Seeing the pediatric ambulance really puts things into perspective that my mom really did live a fuller life than most, not saying that it isn't a fucked situation.
I don't know how to tie this up, but I know I can't sit around and mope forever. Shit happens, you know? Sometimes you fart and you shit your pants, that's just life. At the end of the day, I'm thankful I got to have a meaningful relationship with someone as selfless as her. Love you mom and I'll try to live my life up to your standards.
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self.offmychest
|
This is the best way I've ever been able to describe what it feels like to be very depressed. I hope someone reads this and realizes they are not alone. I don’t know when I lost my way. I could try to pinpoint it, but I don’t think it would do any good.
I’m in a lake, being pulled underwater by the anchor of my inadequacies, and all my friends and family can do is watch from the shore. The worst part is that I was the one that attached the anchor. I forged it, shackled myself to it, and threw it into the water. I fear I’ll never be free of the anchor. The weight of it is to great, and I’ve forgotten how to swim. I’m just a shadow of the man I was, and I’m beginning to believe even he wasn’t as strong as I thought.
They say that night is darkest before the dawn, but I can’t remember when the sun set on me. The sun is a distant memory. The feeling of its warmth is so unfamiliar to me, I wonder sometimes if I ever felt it at all.
The moments of levity I feel are fleeting, like lighting a single match in a deep, dark cave. It fights futilely against the darkness. I nurture it, shield it, and hold it close. I let the flame burn my fingers as it turns to ash in my hand, cherishing every last second of its light and warmth - and then it’s gone.
I am alone again.
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self.depression
|
So I sleep for 10 hours last night. I don't know, I just feel so tired yesterday, even though I didn't do anything, but it was very peaceful, and here I am, feeling like garbage again.
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self.depression
|
My boyfriend is getting annoyed by my anxiety Hey everyone,
So I've been with my boyfriend for over a year and has always been helpful and understanding of my anxiety. I have developed severe health anxiety and at this point he just gets annoyed with me. I'm not sure what to do because I need support and love not someone judging me and getting annoyed by my anxiety.
Anyone with similar experiences?
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self.Anxiety
|
Nausea I am the only one who feel this nausea 24/7??
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self.depression
|
Scared of ending up alone forever, but also terrified of talking to guys/thinking of long-term relationships... help? Does anyone else have this fear? I’ve never been in a relationship before. I freak out after the first few dates and convince myself there is something wrong with this person, so I don’t have to continue seeing them. And then I hate myself and feel like I’ll never find anyone. I can’t afford a therapist and social situations are a nightmare, so I tend to keep to myself. I’m trying to get out of my comfort zone, but I’m still feeling pretty down about myself. Any advice or similar situations?
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self.Anxiety
|
roommate possible BP with Manic episodes? Long Story short, good friend of mine we were friends/roommates for 4 years on and off while we were in different states. He always seemed san while like everyone had his bugs. During few weeks when he used quiet a bit of LSD, some DMT he changed...
First couple days he was hyped up with some grandiose ideas.....from whats you would explain with ambitions up to thinking can control internet, has allergy for wifi and stuff like that.... After couple days of bad sleep, some weed it would get worse and come back again. At some point he would come up to me (fell asleep at tv) as says you and your dog have to go.... and one time i was able to explain him thats is was delusion... Another time he became violent and almost attacked me with a knife which is another story.
It seemed to calm down after that and even he acknowledged the irrationality of his behavior.
Today i was on the edge. He txted me and asked whether i saw hi wallet? Is looking in kitchen, replied - no, not here. To which he demanded that i look better and then said that i should go for a walk and find his wallet. I was tired of this shit and started getting dog for a walk, and putting shoes on. He became violent saying everything here is his and shit like that. Started grabbing dog, who started to bite him, to which he went manic saying - see he bites me, ill sue you for 1 mil $$ and again tries to take my shit away. I fought him off and went for a walk with dog, he followed me and started grabbing, attacking me to take my dog or what not. At that point we were 500 yards from house on street... he was saying like stop resisting you know what im capable off, there are cars driving beside - somebody can die.... at that point a moto -cop drove by and stopped, long story short they let us go. I didn't try to press charges.... but what can i do? Lately his sleep is better, but in 1 minute there can be a change in mood, and sometimes with delusional thought and all kind of stuff going on. I myself have been sleep depraved last 14 days... trying to manage my life... and his.... and im not a nanny.
I can't move out for another month or two? He himself doesn't have family here in states, but basically isn't self sustainable and im afraid of him being so unstable....
Anything i can do? Do you think it sounds like he could be BP? Im thinking of contacting his parents for any advice... but as i said they are overseas.
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self.bipolar
|
I just don't want to do my work. I thought I could be productive once I eliminated all distractions. I left my phone and my laptop at home, I went to a quiet space in one of the campus libraries, and the only thing I brought were my textbook, flash cards, a notebook with a list of things to study, and a pen.
And I still can't get anything done. I stare off into blank space for 15 minutes. I just don't want to do it.
I'm interested in economics, which is my major, and the field I'm especially interested in is Applied Economics (which is only offered to graduate students, unfortunately). What I'm learning right now are models. Models that I need to understand, but are basic and cannot be the entire explanation for how the world works (unless I want to commit 101ism, which is a term some of my professors like to use).
I feel tired. My muscles just want to relax. My body feels like it did an intensive workout, even though I haven't gone to the gym at all in the past three weeks due to having the cold and preparing for this upcoming midterm.
My mind just doesn't want to get to the task. It's tiresome. It's boring. It's not engaging.
I want to do well in my classes. I want to improve my GPA. I want to improve my understanding of the world. I want to learn more.
I just can't bring myself to work. My mind and my body are tired and sore, and I just want to rest. I don't feel like facing my responsibilities. My mid-lower back, my knees, the soles of my feet, my heels, my elbows, my neck, they all feel too tired and sore. They just want to droop and hang there.
But every time I rest, I get really guilty about being unproductive, and I get this intense feeling of cabin fever that drives me crazy.
I just don't know what to do.
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self.offmychest
|
I hate myself and it won't stop... On my phone, sorry. Trying not to cry at work. I have been going in and out of mania since November due to a poor sleep schedule and intermittent missing medication. It broke, and I dropped hard this weekend. I've been sleeping a lot. I can't get enough. I just want to sleep and never get up. All I can think of is how much I suck and how to die successfully. I want a different job. I'm stressed about finding a new one. My mom has been guilt tripping me really hard as holidays go. I missed another Christmas at my Memaw's and found out via Facebook everyone was there, my husband and I were the only ones who missed it. We were planning to go another weekend to spread things out. It's been hard for me with all the going non-stop. So the "I'm a horrible person" voice is back in full force. I'm constantly thinking of how I shouldn't have said this or done that. It's so extreme again. It's harder and harder to get out of bed again. Everything feels impossible. I hate myself. I've been more agitated lately and picking fights. I hate it. I feel like my husband is just stuck with me. He says he doesn't feel that way and that he loves me and wouldn't want anyone else. I feel like I've cursed him. I've never felt like I was going to die of natural causes. I feel like I'm always one breakdown away from dying. It makes me feel so guilty. I would give anything to not be this way. I'm afraid of going to the hospital because that's a huge out of pocket and that's more missed work. I've missed so much work over the past few months due to surgery and regular flu/cold stuff. I feel like one more thing and I'll lose my job. It just sucks.
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self.bipolar
|
I'm so ashamed of myself. Self neglect. I've been trying to get out of my cycle of self neglect for the past few months. Things go well but sometimes I seem to fall back which make things tough. For example, in December I did not go to the gym for the entire month and I had stopped eating. (I am extremely underweight and need to eat more than 3000 calories a day in order to get to where I want to be. It's a lot of food.)
But today, I did something I should not have done.
I struggle at taking care of myself and I mean when it comes to cleaning myself. I went to the gym today and, well, they told me I stunk. They kindly asked if I could wear some spray but it's the second time I've been told and it's a pretty small gym... I'm just so ashamed of myself. I'm ashamed like I have never been ashamed of myself. Lately I have been meditating 40 minutes a day and the effects of meditation are that you begin to see yourself as you truly are and it also has effects on memory. So for example, if you have repressed a memory then meditation will help you remember.
Because of that I have remembered that my mum too neglected herself extremely. She would smell of sweat and her teeth were decayed, just like mine. She was often laying on the sofa depressed but I had learned, without any awareness of it, that this was a natural and normal state to be in. So it seem like I began to neglect myself too. I remember piles and piles of unwashed clothes at home, I remember my dad being abusive towards my mum. Of course there were happy memories too, but I seem to lean on remembering the negative ones at the moment.
I know it seems small but I'm utterly ashamed of myself for what happened today. I have been told I smell every place I go for my whole life but this one was special, it really has hit me. I am really doing my best to better myself by keeping a journal, by going to the gym, by trying to eat. I have a job too. I don't know why I'm so ashamed, it's almost as though something inside has broken and I realise the shit I am in, as though a door has been opened and I see my younger self hanging with flies buzzing around it. As though I have hated the child within and have martyrized him for all these years, as though he has had no love from me in any way. And it's true, I don't think I've ever been kind to myself although I have thought that I was but the truth is that I slowly killed myself.
I like to think that everything happens for a reason so I try to see the bright side of what happened today as a kind of sign. It's not that people hate me but that the disrespect I have for myself triggers their disrespect towards me but you see my vision of the world is distorted. I could see people, all of them, being so successful socially that I began to turn away from trying to be like them and convinced myself that I was into some kind of war against social conventions. I began to believe that I was special, that I was somehow better than them, that at least, I didn't care about what people thought of me, I didn't care for being liked, all of this was a scam because the only reason people were righteous was because they were trying to live up to people's expectations. But me I was going to break all of this, it was all lies, people weren't righteous because they loved themselves, they were righteous out of a need to be liked by others. Washing myself or acting like normal people do would have been close to giving up the war and letting the world win over me so I began to mask my neglect by having a purpose of war, as though the reason for my self hatred was justified. Because I was not like people, because I could not be like people, the only thing reason left in my eyes was that because they were brainwashed and I was the only one sane. I was going to save society by destroying myself, that way I could hush the child inside and this new self, this new self destructive entity I was creating step by step could take over. It wasn't someone that'd care about what people say, it was someone that could stand up and fight, not like the crying child who couldn't do a thing. So I began to adorn the new creature with reasons, with clothes, with styles, with useless philosophies, I injected in him anger, hatred, greed and all that I thought I needed in this world to survive and to be, not liked, but admired. This creature was supposed to be something which could bring admiration from others since I wasn't getting any from myself. This creature was supposed to suck out awe from people. He fed not on love but on what he thought were the envious stares from others. He was cool and against everything, anything he did not agree with had to be destroyed, he was a dictator, a Hitlerian figure who was guarding the door from where the dying child was. He has no conscience because everything has to be done in his glory, everyone must abide by his orders, he holds no respect for his surroundings, he destroys, it's the only thing he knows, to destroy. Everyone that he sees is an enemy except those he sees that struggle. For some reason, this is where may be the child comes into action but every time I see a homeless person I can't help but feel a sense of kinship, a sense that I have to somehow protect these people.
Now I come to the door and I see him as a knight who does not give me the authorisation to see the child I want to save because I do not love myself. I want to get rid of the knight, I want to love myself.
I really need to share this to someone because I am utterly ashamed of what happened today. I know it seems small but to me it's huge. I come to the truth now which I've always pushed away. That I cannot take care of myself, that I am a child trapped in a man's body.
I really could do with some encouraging words, I can't say that I have many people to speak to. As a matter of fact, I do not hang around with anyone, I speak to no one about what I go through and it's tough to keep it all in. Lately I've been wanting to talk a lot, I've been wanting to talk to someone. I've got a heartful of confessions.
Thank you.
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self.depression
|
Non-stop thoughts of wanting to kill myself every day On and off suicidal thoughts/ideation since age 14. But it’s getting worse and worse in the last year, and sooner or later I feel like I will do something. And it’s not just wanting to stop existing, or being in between life and death; I actually want to *die*.
I don’t know where I’m going with this post, I just want to get it out.
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self.depression
|
A single barrier to happiness On Friday, November 17th, I confessed my love to a very close school friend who unknowingly helped me through the hardest year of my life.
They accepted my love and confessed to me that they also share the same once in a lifetime soul matching love I feel. Over the weekend we fantasized about our future and sharing love songs and such. This is the happiest ive been in years and I intend to repay the affection and happiness they've given to me throughout the time we've known each other. Except there's one potential barrier.
I was extremely depressed all year up to now. As a result, my grades were all failing, I gave up on myself and on school.
I got a letter from the school saying if I cannot pass at least half my classes, I will not be allowed to return next semester.
I had a month left of the semester when I got that letter. I whipped myself into shape, Sat down for countless days and did nothing but work. Why? It wasn't to pass. I couldn't care less. It was to stay with my love.
School is pretty much the only time we get to see each other. And I intend to keep it that way. I've gotten half my classes to passing in 2 weeks time from zeros. And sometime within the next hour, I will force myself to walk down to the counselor's office and plea to be able to stay.
If the answer is no. I have a week to make my peace with my love, as I will most likely not be able to see them face to face at all. I highly doubt an online relationship would work. And if I'm forced to break up with them over my stupid past decisions and the counselor's answer, I will be infinitely more depressed than I ever have in my life.
This next hour potentially determines the happiness of the rest of my life.
Thank you for reading.
UPDATE: I did it. They've given me another chance. Eat it depression you fuck.
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self.depression
|
I got upset but for the first time since I got ill with depression, I didn't cut. Had another cry because I was so proud of myself.
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self.depression
|
Feeling like a failure. I've been on antidepressants for a bit over ten years now. Effexor and wellbutrin these days. Occasional 1/2 clonipin for the bad days.
24 years of the restaurant business has certainly played it's part. I've owned two before and on my third now. Not bad for 39 I guess. I've been given the title of best chef a handful of times from local publications. I've had a career that grew rapidly and though it certainly hasn't been easy I have enjoyed some success.
I opened the third one in June of 16. I spent the previous 9 months building it myself. The only thing I didn't personally build or install was drywall, some paint, and the a/c and electrical. During the build out I managed to cut off the tip of my left index finger, resulting in surgery. It slowed me down some but not significantly. The first two weeks was a silent opening period filled with training, private parties, trial runs, etc. We took off like a rocket at first. Then we held the grand opening, continued to get busier and it was going relatively smoothly. Then I fell about 12-14 feet and broke my left leg in four places, resulting in 3 surgeries over a 3 month period, screws and plates and an external fixator for a while. That kept me away from work for a while. Business began suffering as can be expected. When I fell, they gave me a cat scan, no damage to my head, but they did find a large cyst on my thyroid, which resulted in needing to have it removed. We waited until after the leg was mostly healed and then went through with that surgery. While the cyst turned out to be benign, they did find a small amount of cancer in the thyroid tissue, fortunately not enough to require treatment. I get blood tests and ultrasounds pretty regularly though as a precaution. Since the removal of the thyroid, a good bit of my depression seemed to go away, I started having more energy, my blood pressure problems became less severe, over all health improved a good bit.
But I couldn't get the restaurant back under control. My resentment and frustration is pretty damn serious. The stress has become something that is crippling me, I race from thought to thought without making sense. I can't seem to make sense of things and Ive lost my mental vision of my goals for it.
The depression is kinda managed, but there's some pretty bad thoughts rolling around in my mind. I don't feel like I would ever commit suicide, but I'd be a liar if I said I don't think about it.
I've gotten so in debt that bankruptcy or some form of settlement will be necessary. I find myself looking for outside ways to make money when I should be focusing on fixing the restaurant.
I feel like the world is watching and wants me to fail. And then I wonder if that's just me internalizing my problems into a shitty attitude.
I can't think of the last time I had a good day. Or a day when I enjoyed talking to people.
I consider selling the business, moving away, leaving the country, all kinds of "solutions" come and go. I spend a lot of time looking into places like Costa Rica, Panama, Belize. I have travelled extensively around the world, and I know there's so much more out there.
A big part of my problem, I think, is that I'm still in my hometown. I only left for 3 years of college, dropped out and went to culinary school for 2 years, only to return to my home city, which has gotten tremendously shitty over the past couple decades. City leadership corruption is rampant, crime gets worse and worse, the demographics are going in a direction that will not benefit my business, yet we seem to keep getting new restaurants. So now I'm in a saturated market. I'm definitely not the only one struggling, we've had quite a few restaurant closures lately.
But even when I look at the facts I just listed, I can't help but feel like a failure. Like a useless waste of space that has nothing to contribute. I feel embarrassed, sad, angry, frustrated, and deeply, deeply let down both by myself and by the dining public.
I have no problem sleeping, it's my only escape. I do have a problem getting out of bed. I don't want to deal with it. I don't want to talk to people.
I can't put my finger on the problem, can't identify what I need to do. I can talk about it, and really I know exactly what I need to do. But I can't see it. I don't have any sort of mental image of it being successful. All I see is the negative.
I'm currently in bed, it's 6pm here, and I haven't had the courage to leave my room.
Im not sure why I'm even typing this. Maybe I just needed to let it out. Maybe I'm looking for some outside perspective.
I consider switching my meds, but that's a crapshoot and has the potential to make it worse.
I like to think back to when I wasn't taking any. When I didn't need them. I was strong willed and excited. I loved my work. I had goals and dreams.
Now, I can't see anything. I don't know what to do.
I hate being in such a negative mindset. I've tried to shake it off but no luck there.
I do hope and believe that this will pass. But I don't know how much more I can take.
Most people don't understand. They don't get why I can't just do the work and be happy. Well, it's not that easy when you don't have much seratonin or dopamine. They don't understand that, either.
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self.depression
|
I wasn't welcome to my own parents Christmas dinner. I'm on mobile laying in bed. Sorry ahead of time for typos.
My parents divorced when I was young. Both of them managed to find and marry some really awful peices of shit. It hurts my soul to see them both so miserable and not be able to help.
This particular story has to do with my dad's wife. Long story short, she married him for his money and has buried him in debt. She's a manipulative evil human being but I try to be civil.
So this Christmas my mother is in Georgia visiting my sister. So the plan was to visit my Aunt for light brunch and go to my stepmother's dinner.
My dad's house is a cesspit of cigarrete tar and animal feces. That's a whole other story but the point is that my stepmother hosts holiday dinners at the house her mother owned. I've frequently gone to these dinners, no issue.
So anyway, we were at my Aunts watching Christmas movies and my dad comes to visit. About 3:30 he gets ready to leave to go to dinner.
My husband says goodbye, tells my dad we'll head over when this movie is over in a minute.
He says flatly. "I thought I told you, you're not invited. "
He had said something like that earlier but he had a weird sense of humor and I had thought he was joking.
My husband says "Wait. You're serious? "
He just shrugged and left.
I cried and cried. I've been crying all day. I calmed enough to text him to tell him I was incredibly hurt that he did not stand up for me at all. He wouldn't even tell me why I wasn't invited.
Later my husband texted him and asked him to come over and he agreed. I was really hoping to have a serious conversation with my dad about his depression and his toxic marriage.
When he arrived I hugged him and cried and told him I loved him and I know his wife had ruined his life. I told him I'm here for him and my husband I both tried to have an intervention style talk with him about his wife. He basically brushed it off and changed the subject.
I sat at the kitchen table listening to him tell the same dumb stories he always tells instead of facing the issues that I desperately feel he needs to face. It was infuriating and I just wanted him to leave at that point. I wanted to get up and leave myself but I don't want him to think that I don't care or that I'm not there for him.
I have severe depression of my own and knowing how miserable my dad is, it's killing me. I feel worthless and helpless. All I can do is wait and be here for him in case he ever pulls his head out of his ass. My heart hurts for him.
I just want my dad back. : (
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self.depression
|
I really want someone to help me AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
first of all someone said I don't sound "coherent"
is it ok that I don't sound "coherent" sometimes? I try to... It was boring when I tried to sound very professional on my tumblr..
anyways
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
first of all I woke up and I couldn't sleep good cuz my pillow is so flat, I have a special my pillow and its so flat it hurts to sleep on.
but most of all
I KEEP HEARING MY MOM COUGH AND STUFF AND
THESE ROOMS AREN'T SOUND PROOF ;-;
I hear my mom's breathing machines in the rooms and
It's so embarrassing, I can't say!!!!!!!!
Just... I hate that I can hear the noises that my mom makes and that she can hear any noise that I might make
I hate it!!!! ;-;
I hate it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I HATE THIS HOUSE NOT BEING SOUND-PROOF I HATE IT
ALL THE DOORS ARE CLOSED
AND NOW SHE'S BEING QUIET AND SHE TURNED DOWN THE TV CUZ SHE LIKES hearing me freak out on the computer I think like how she'd pick up the phone and listen to me talk on the phone 7 years ago with my ex-girlfriend the moment I mention oral sex details with her
I REALLY WANT SOMEONE ONLINE to help me or be my friend
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH
EDIT: AND THERE'S A BUG ON THE CEILING I HELD BACK FROM COMPLAINING ABOUT IT AND WHEN I CLOSED THE DOOR THERE'S YET ANOTHER BUG ON THE DOOR AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH IT BRINGS BACK BAD MEMORIES of when I mentioned that on a reddit post and ppl said what the [censored]
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self.Anxiety
|
This sucks I've really fallen in a deep hole. Living with parents. Started feeling suicidal for the first time last year. Felt really suicidal in the fall but met a girl in a support group and that helped. But now I feel like I'm just going to snap if I go do something without her, like college in a different state or something, or if we break up. She has a job and just started back at school, which makes it even worse.
I can't hold a job, I couldn't even finish the one class I took last semester, I have no hope for the future in any way.
Probably just gonna go lay down in the snow in the next couple days, as I think that'd be a peaceful death as I would numb out before I died. I may end up being stuck here on this earthly plane having to watch the unfathomable agony my parents will be in once I do it, but such is my fate, I guess.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
The only thing I enjoy I can't fully enjoy I love to play League of Legends, but for some reason my ping will just spike all the time with it's lowest being 200 and going up to 2000. this infuriates me and makes me feel horrible because that instantly means that the game is ruined for 4 other players. I always feel so shitty, especially since some games it'll be really good and I'll have a great game, synergising well with the ADC, then they add me and I play a game with them and my ping just shits the bed and it's ruined the game for them. It's so bad that I get anxiety waiting for the loading screen to tell me my ping after looking at in in Discord being 800. This is basically a rant sorry, but it makes me so sad that I can't play my favourite game for reasons I can't control.
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self.depression
|
Wanna slit my wrist even in New Year’s Eve [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I cried on my girlfriend's birthday Yesterday was my gf's birthday. I had a 2 hour drive just so I could surprise her. We couldn't spend too much time together but we managed to have about 3 hours with each other. I was happy seeing her and giving her the gifts, and surprising her.
But then I had to go back home. It's 17:00 pm. Everything's already dark outside . I'm driving alone in roads I don't know. There are no cars in front or behind me. No lights. Just me, the music from my phone, and a dark road. I've never felt this lonely. Thoughts started to pop up. They always do. Thoughts comparing myself to others. Thoughts thinking that maybe she wasn't glad to see me, or at least she'd be more glad to see someone else. Thoughts that she doesn't know how all this goes through my head on a daily basis, and if she did, she'd hate me and break up with me.
Now I'm used to it. Every day this happens. I feel lost, weak , horrible. I don't have a sense of self anymore. I don't have motivation to do shit anymore. My therapist diagnosed me with GAD but I just don't see where exactly is the anxiety. I have social anxiety that's for sure, but outside of that, I'm not stressed, just bummed the fuck out all the time. Always trying to figure out what's the "right" mindset to be in, who I am, what to believe in, and it's tough. It's taking its toll on me.
So after this terrifying 2 hour drive, I got out of my car, went upstairs, and just fell on my bed. I faked sleeping so my mom wouldn't bother me with questions. Then I started crying. I just can't handle this anymore . I feel like she doesn't deserve this. I feel like the most horrible person on earth. I feel like I don't know who I am and what I want from myself anymore. I don't know what I believe in. I don't have opinions. I am always sad. Never motivated . The only times I feel ok is when I lay in bed with my phone doing absolutely nothing.
This has been constant for quite some time now. I've tried to figure out things by myself for a long time, without success. But I was fine, because I didn't feel pressure. But getting into a relationship, my first one too.... I just can't handle the pressure. I feel like a loser when I don't do anything. I feel like a loser when I do things. I second guess myself on literally everything, from what I'm going to eat, where I want to hang out, and what my thoughts and beliefs are. I want to see my girlfriend and at the same time terrified of being near her. I want to make friends but at the same time terrified of talking to people. I want to let this all out to a close friend but at the same time afraid of looking like a loser ot a bother to them. Don't know what to do anymore I swear. Yesterday was the first time in my entire life when I actually realized that I understand suicidal people. Like, I get why people just end it. If I have to go through this for multiple years without solution, I'd probably do it as well. It's like you're a walking empty doll, people look at you as if you're a functioning person but inside I just know I feel completely fake and empty.
Sorry I had to get this somewhere. Can't share it with friends out of fear.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I feel like I'm just "left out." Or excluded from any group. I feel like I'm not allowed happiness, relationships, that I'm not allowed to enjoy basic human pleasures that almost everyone else takes for granted. I feel like I am the undesirable in any group I'm in and am only a burden to the regular people who have to put up with my existence. I am simply here, to no pleasure of my own or anyone else's. I wonder if any of you feel the same.
|
self.depression
|
Start Over Hey! So, as you all may know, I deal with a lot of anxiety and depression, and I wanted to know if anybody could give me some insight on this situation. Basically, I'm always starting over. I never get the chance to finish anything because I just give up or don't wanna keep my progress. Does anybody else have this problem?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Im scared to start zoloft because paxil(paroxetine) gave me big palpitations and panic attacks. Any thoughs?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Why does my family have to care? Everyone else would get over it fairly quickly if they even give a fuck at all. Just my my parents and siblings and I don't get why though. I'm not their only kid, I'm not their only brother, shouldn't they be fine without me? They're gonna make me feel bad when I get around to doing this.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My dog I haven't been really happy in about 3 years. My dog is the only thing that's given me a glimpse of hope.
|
self.depression
|
Getting depressed again. Im getting depressed after almost 6 months, nothing really changed which means nothing I guess.
For me the worst part is, I just want someone to talk to about why I feel this way, which I dont even know.
Problem is, I dont really know anybody, and the few I do, were not that kind of friends...I tend to be the one people come to when they need help, I act grounded and like a wall, Im sure many of you know the charade. Last person I tried to talk to about how I feel told me to grow some, that I dont have it bad. Which I guess is true, but then that would make sense...so...
I just wish I could actually talk to people about how I feel without people judging me. Which I usually dont even care about, but again...that would make too much sense. I dont know where I was going so. Ill just leave now.
|
self.depression
|
Just need a hug and someone to talk to This is killing me now. So alone just need a hug so bad
|
self.depression
|
I got rejected by my best friend. I met this girl about 8 months ago. We didn't talk much, rather just bump into each other now and then. All my friends told me that she liked me. I didn't see her that way, I didn't know her at all, so I just kinda ignored her for a while. During summer we got to know each other, we got assigned classes together. We had very much in common, we texted every day. At the end of summer, we would hang out with a group of friends from time to time. In September, she tells me that I am like a best friend to her. We hang out now all the time alone, almost every day. She said that I was very important to her, that she can't imagine someone better than me. Eventually, I realized that I had feelings for her. I took the risk. I told her that I like her and would like to go on a date with her. She gave me a really surprised look, she said that she would think. She said yes a few hours later, I said cool. An awkward week passed, we didn't hang out and almost no texting. I told her what's up, asked if she wants to still be friends with me. She said how could we be friends if I confessed my feelings to her, but she said her desire to hang out and to be friends with me wasn't lost. I said cool, let's be friends but try one date, and if she didn't like it, she would just say so.
Another week passes with nothing, I always invite her to go somewhere but she always has plans. I explained to her that I'm tired of constantly inviting her and that if she wanted to, she must do it herself. She replied that she really has plans, that she wants to be friends and doesn't see the point on going on a date with me because she doesn't like me. She apologized if she offended me. I said that I also want to be friends with her but she agreed to go on a date with me. She replied, "I thought I could overcome myself".
I don't know what to do now. I've never had feelings as serious as these. I'm afraid that if I stay friends it will really hurt me in the long run. I think the most reasonable thing to do now is to just walk away and cut all communications, but I don't know exactly how that would work because we see each other every day. Hurts as hell.
|
self.offmychest
|
Boring story DON'T READ!! unless you want to ,do whatever it a sentence not a cop. As a painter who lives at the bottom I can't help but feel like I can do more but don't cause I will fail or it won't matter I'm ok with who I am as a person I've been like this for years and the mental stress just feels like an everyday thing by now it just saddens me to think I wasted most of my life being scared of talking or even opening up to anyone .
peaple who work with me rarely see me talk and just assume it's how I am and I want to tell them I'm just scared to try cause when I was a kid my own dad never cared for me so why would anyone else he left and began a new family and my mom was a drunk for most of my childhood phase so I was scared of everyone that walk in the door cause they were always the same attitudes never the same person comes off as nice at first but always ends up hateful and always wanting to fight so I learned not to trust peaple or to upset them even in the slightest but now I come off as a wimp cuzz I don't drink I hate drugs and crowds and also hate talking to peaple I can talk but not if its about nothing I need a goal in order to talk example I need to get somthing from them how would I do this?
Answer walk a way and find a simple way if their even is one if not go sit in the room and fight the urge to grab a knife or a belt and just end it the only reason I don't is cause I don't want to take the cowards way out cause my mom drank a lot cause she lost two of my sisters one when I wasn't born and ther other when I was baby but know she happy to a point she doesn't drink and I kinda admire her for this knowing that peaple aren't bad they are made this way and can change if they try so I try and follow her path and be a nice person despite the fact I have nothing to offer the world
In a way I wanted to make her proud but I can't cause how could I all I could think about is how she raised a whiny little baby that cant do anything me.
I could go into details about my dad but no he lost my respect when he left me one thing I do want to bring up is the words that haunted me ever since he said it while drunk
He's a little turd I never should have f that b he wouldn't be here now ,when sober he wonders why I won't visit him anymore I told him the last time I seen him cause you are only sober a quarter òf the time I see you I hate the fact that I look like you cause whenever I look in the mirror I see you more and more and I start to resent my self
Yea last time I seen him only time I heard from him was when I heard about him cashing in on my step brothers death.
So to sum it up I hate my dad my mom got better but I never fully healed from my childhood and it still affects me in adulthood cause it cause me to be a social outcast cause I refuse to talk to peaple so I'm lonely then start feeling like a wimp cuz of it and always remember my childhood wasn't good either so why should now be I don't end it cause I can't do that to my mom not again so I truck by day by day acting like nothing wrong even though in my head it's a never ending battle between past and the present of who I am and how I came to be this person I don't blame anyone not even my dad I tend to blame myself and wonder what if I did this instead of hiding or crying I would be a bad ass right now but the I get even deeper and but if I didn't do the things I did I wouldn't be a nice guy I say nice in the sense that I always try and do the right thing even if i come off as an ass but with the social shyness I always lean towards doing nothing I respect woman and it not enough to respect them I'm my experience they always go with the guy that tends to be more of an asshole and I tell myself I get it they want a strong person to protect from dangers or somthing or to be a man and we'll I'm know that I'm not this type of person I can never be no matter how hard I try and they sense it like in the story above I was never taught how to be a man cuz you know all I can offer is support when a girl needs it but here my dilemma again how can I do this if I don't talk to anyone cuz they certainly don't talk to me the first time and I always end up as the dude who doesn't talk
So another thing to add to the list holy I feel a little better then before I started to rabble my head doesn't hurt as much but like I always say it's an endless cycle one minute I'd feel good another the world just kicks me and leave me to deal with the pain it didn't do it on purpose did it?
If this didn't make sense it cuz I'm tired and just looking for an outlet I don't expect peaple to read this cuz of how bad of a writer I am it just helps me deal when I'm sitting in this box I call a room this lonely dirty box also I'm not looking for advice cause it always comes as the same, talk more or somewhere along that line what I am looking for is support I geuss somone who knows what's it's like for the smallest thing to f you up.
Ps I have no friends either just some sad sprinkles for yaa for this turd sandwich I made.
R.j.k.a
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self.depression
|
Severe depression Hey all. Please send me message if you have gotten through severe depression. I'm feeling really lonely.
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self.depression
|
Luck Is All We Are I didn't choose when or where to be born. I didn't choose my influences, and neither did you, or those succesful people. There are the lucky, and then there are the unlucky.
People, just as the rest of nature, are about cause and effect. You don't choose shit, you just react. Free will is an illusion, and I'm not saying that to sound edgy. People who are happy are simply lucky to be happy.
Present to me an apple and an orange. I might choose the apple and say "see, I have free will" - but what made me choose the apple? Raise a hundred clones of me, they will all choose the apple. Because they were made to. We don't really choose anything, humans are just such complex creatures that we can't fathom the fact that we're just organisms reacting.
---------------
I'm sad and down right now. I'm been trying to understand and use music theory for a couple of years now, but I fail to and I feel stupid. And I know that I will never amount to anything. There's no way that I will ever be anything other than some filler-human. I wish I was special, I wish anyone would look up to me, but I simply posses no impressive abilities, and even if I did I would still look up at the people above me and think "I wish I were you".
Fucking hell I wish I were different. There are so many impressive people out there, and then there's me and the rest. I feel meaningless. Jacob Collier, could I please just be you.
Fuck. Anyways, it feels good to write about it. I wish I had the guts to kill myself, but what's the point even then, I can't experience being dead. I'm not suicidal and I also don't know where I'm going with this. Anyone else feeling retarded and hopeless? Words don't work anymore.
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self.depression
|
Help with rising anxiety I posted this on the Health Anxiety sub reddit, but I want to post this on here too. Maybe someone hopefully can relate.
I have had anxiety for as long as I can remember, it used to be really bad in middle school and high school, but after high school I was able to deal with it for many many years. I am now 24 and JUST RECENTLY my anxiety has gotten way worse and I am confused as to why. I had to go to the hospital last Thursday at work because I couldn't calm myself down and was ready to puke and pass out. After calming down I was able to go back to work but for the whole rest of the day my breathing was difficult to deal with, I just read on someone's post here that they had sharp pains on their lower part of there chest on one side, and I now have that and just picked it up this year. I am worried that my anxiety will get way out of control and it seems like I am losing my ability to keep it under control. A lot of my anxiety is also, "once it happens, it will happen again". I have never had an anxiety attack to where it lasted all day and I wasn't able to calm down. Help!
|
self.Anxiety
|
I think I'll just be single forever. Men are so fucking gross.
In it if you have something for them.
Fucking pieces of fucking shit once you turn them down or do/say something that questions their 'manhood'.
|
self.offmychest
|
How much does depression affect your cognitive abilities? I’ve felt depressed for the majority of my life. I’ve had periods of time where I feel amazing but depression has always been apart of me. I hate myself for it.
I’ve always felt like I was stupid. Always felt like I was bad at things I wanted to be good at. The guitar, sports, sex, school etc
There were medications, (Zoloft, adderal, marijuana) that made me feel BRILIIANT.
I was a different person in everything I attempted. I noticed things I never had before. I was just better.
My hypochondria has me thinking I must have ADHD or be on the autism spectrum to have had such a dramatic increase in abilities on adderal or marijuana.
I’ve talked the therapists about it who attribute the success to the medication alleviating the depression but this explanation sounds to convenient to me.
So my long winded question to everyone is, how much does depression affect your abilities or perceived intelligence? Is it as life changing as I described?
|
self.depression
|
I'm suicidal again I was doing so well too. But now here we are again. Back to feeling stressed, unloved, unwanted and directionless. Someone please please help me. Help me get back on my feet. Give me back my optimism, my gentle, kind nature. I miss it
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I realized i dont wanna die, but i dont wanna live too. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
What can someone do if they can't get away from stressors? I suddenly get this really heavy feeling of not being able to do anything----I don't have control of many aspects of my life. Anxiety is one of them, and try as I might, I can't get away from a negative person. One lives with me, and as much as I love her, she criticizes, just constantly criticizes on what I do or not do. Before, I was able to 'block' it out, but now with added stresses, like failing one of my classes and other things, it just....I can't. I feel I just can't....
I can't drive, I'm too afraid to walk outside, I don't have a job (and it would be hard to get one, now, anyhow). I, as I'm sure many do, have really bad social anxiety---sometimes even sending online messages or commenting gives me anxiety!
Just....too many what ifs when talking, and being afraid that I'm being annoying or I don't know what. Anxiety and depression (medication is alright, but I've been feeling down, still), it is exhausting....
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm not a likeable person It doesn't take long for people to see that.
|
self.depression
|
Losing hope I’ve lost grasps on everything. I’ve been depressed and these feelings of anxiety are brining me down to my last thread. I’m in my bed and I just can’t stop thinking. This usually normal but thoughts tonight are so bad that I can’t stop thinking of killing myself. I just want hopeless feeling to stop. I’m a college student, it’s hard to get access to my car but I really feel as if Im having a crisis and i don’t know if i should check myself into the ER. I was in there January for a major panic attack and in there last Saturday for depression and an acute anxiety attack and I’m afraid if I go now so soon they’ll know I have completely lost it, but I just don’t know what else to do.
I have no friends, and my parents are so unsupportive. I called my parents after my first breakdown in January and they told me to never tell anyone and to never go back, that I’ll just be labeled as crazy. I do know that they won’t and that they’ll help but I’m scared that if the ER somehow gets my parents are involved they’ll take matters into there own hands by any means necessary. I have an appointment to see my psychiatrist next week for what is usually a ADHD med refil (last time I saw her I told her about these other problem, and she just told me to see the my school psy/counselors), and I saw a school psychiatrist yesterday which was just a screening. The earliest they can have me see a therapist is next week. All this help seems so distant and I just don’t know how much longer I can wait. I feel as if my mental has reached such a low point that I don’t want to have to go through this.
Before it was not this bad, it was just anxiety that I could cope with but now it seems as if my life has fallen apart. I need help and I don’t know what to do or where to go. I missed all my classes Monday because i was just stuck in bed thinking and I’m afraid that if I go to the ER now I’ll miss them all again. My grades and my family are the only few things keeping me going and I’m so afraid to fall off in this way too.
I don’t think I would kill myself but I don’t think anyone does at first. suicidal thoughts would never cross my mind but now i can’t stop thinking how hard it is to go through this every second of my day. I love my parents and my siblings and want to think how hard it’d be on them if they lost me, but I wonder if that sadness is even close to what I feel now.
One thing I hated about Saturday was how the doctors treated me. They ran a test and found my heart was under-stress or something and kept asking me if I had done any drugs or if I was having chest pains. It just made me feel as if they were more focused on making sure my heart was fine and barely even addressed the issues I had come in for. They did talk to me about my feelings, but they were more focused on my heart than anything else. I understand why they need to check my heart, but I just feel as if they don’t really know what to do for people like me or these situations. They only spoke with me for about 30 minutes of the 5 hour visit, and the doctor there made me feel so uncomfortable with the questions he was asking. The doctor ended by prescribing me 10 pills of Atarax to help my anxiety until I could see a psychiatrist, but I feel as if that has done nothing and if anything has made my anxiety worse.
I don’t know how or even if I’m going to make it at this point guys. My mind has never been plagued this bad. I tried taking melatonin hours ago to sleep to sleep and I’ve tried therapeutic things to get through this night but I just feel so bad.
I feel as if I’ve lost my mind and I don’t know what else to do. Please help in anyway way you guys can, at this point I’m willing to do anything to get better.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
"Your life motto is 'I don't care'." She said in a sarcastic tone.
Well gee mom, I sure wonder why this is the case. Could it be that I'm depressed and sick of my life?
Maybe I should just lock myself in the garage with the car running, while being passed out from booze.
This is yet another thing I can't deal with right now.
|
self.depression
|
Do you have experience with the med Pristiq? My pdoc just prescribed Prisitq to help with a bad bout of depression I'm going through. She said it was particularly strong as it hit serotonin and another one. Has anyone tried this?
My old pdoc wouldn't even prescribe me anti-depressants, which I think is an argument in the pdoc community.
Currently I take Lamictal as a mood stabilizer, Xanax for anxiety, and Zyprexa for mania and sleep.
|
self.bipolar
|
i crave physical touch it sucks lol. a few days ago i got a hug from a friend and all i wanna do now is just.. hug people?? i have never really been the kind of person who likes when people touch me but fuck i was wrong lmao it feels so nice when i can feel somebody and know that for a few seconds somebody voluntarily is there for me and cares about me. it feels weird to say all this but yea i am a changed woman!! i love hugs!!! this must be the result of no physical touch since i became depressed!!! so sad and pathetic if i really think about it and it sucks even more knowing that noone will ever really like me romantically..
|
self.depression
|
Why Must You Drag Your GF?? Long story short, I’m moving from California to Idaho later this week and tonight I was having a bar crawl with some friends so I could enjoy one of my last nights in town with them.
My best friend (who is a guy/I’m a girl) was going to pick me up at 6:30 to head out to the festivities. It’s now 2 hours later and he hasn’t left yet because he’s waiting on his girlfriend to get ready.
Why does this anger me?
1 - he’s 2 hours late
2 - he never mentioned that he was bringing her
I was planning on a night with MY friends. This chick is not someone that I consider a friend.
So am I wrong for being mad? Like what would you do if in my situation?
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self.offmychest
|
Thoughts on my depression. Early school days who i am my story in a nutshell. Does anyone relate? If you read it in general what do you think? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
i'm too lazy to hang out with friends one night and they wont let that sink in for the next 2 hours i dont know man. i like my friends but goddamn they turn into the most annoying being whenever i refuse their plan.
they wanted me to go roller skating and i told them i didnt want to because i came back from tennis and i was very tired. the only error on my end was to tell them i would go roller skating with them the day before. but still, i told them i wouldnt come 4 hours early.
for about an hour they just kept throwing argument at me trying to convince me to go.
beside, i feel like they're only doing this to me.
the other day, we were hanging out at a bar, one friend told us he would come at midnight. we waited until midnight and at 12am30 he sent a text saying he was in bed and about to sleep. my friends were like " what a dbag " then moved on.
but for me they just tried to get me coming
what would you have done? what's your opinion
|
self.offmychest
|
Found out that my gf cheated on me with a close friend yesterday. My girlfriend and I have been in a on and off ldr relationship for quite some time now. I seriously loved this girl, still do. She texted me yesterday saying that we needed to talk, and then told me that she kissed one of my closest friends yesterday. When I asked her why it happened and if she had feelings for him, she said that she did for both him and I, and that she was confused. I ended up confronting my friend about it, and yelled at him for an hour straight. God, it hurts so bad. I have no will to live at the moment, and I would honestly just end it all right now if I had the motivation to. I don’t see the point in being alive anymore. She was the only thing that made me see a future past my 18th birthday, the only thing that made every passing day bearable because I knew that she would be there. I can’t even off myself even if I tried, because both my psychiatrist and therapist told my mother to confiscate and hide any hazardous items in the house. I feel as though I can’t even tell my friends about this either, because I kept the last month of our relationship a secret, because I was scared that they would be angry with me when they found out that we were back together. I just want all of this to end.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Being around people is tiring, but being alone might be worse I'm kind of an introvert or whatever, I like having my alone time to just be. I have been in the service industry in one capacity or another my whole working life, so being around people is a thing I can do, be sociable or charming or whatever, but so frequently I start to feel shitty while I'm alone. I feel bad about decisions I make, feelings I have, the place I am in life. I want someone to talk to and tell me I'm not a fuck up, but I don't want to admit things to people I know. I have a wonderful girlfriend, who is understanding and kind and non judgmental, but I don't know what to say to her, or anyone really. Frequently I can just shove the bad feelings away, but somehow I feel like ignoring them isn't healthy, but embracing/acknowledging them feels like crap too. I don't know. I'm just tired of it.
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self.depression
|
My head is screaming in pain! My head is screaming in pain. Screaming because I can’t take my depression anymore, I am tired of living this kind of life. I am all alone all the time and I feel nothing but miserable or anxious. My life right now is an endless cycle of me feeling worse and worse. I just can’t take this anymore, school just gives me more anxiety and depression. I can’t feel happiness, I just feel this way all the time and it wont go away. Thanks for reading. Support would be appreciated.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I've realised There is no hope for me after all. No matter how much I try, no matter what I do, I just end up lonely. I guess that's my fate... to die lonely. Sayonara
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self.SuicideWatch
|
It’s been like eight years and I STILL can’t write anything. As lame as it may sound to you, I’ve been wanting to write a fan-fiction for YEARS. Since I began reading it. I tried when I was younger, and inevitably deleted them all because they were awful. Since then I’ve been trying to educate myself on writing, in hopes that it may inspire me, by buying instructional books.
And I still. Can’t. Do. It.
I’m so frustrated with myself; I tell myself it’s my anxiety and depression causing my writers block, but maybe I’m just not good enough. For fucks sake, I’ve barely read any of the books on writing; I just can’t figure out how to get beyond making my writing prompt lists.
Please, if any of you have gone through something similar, help me.
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self.depression
|
I look forward to monday... I am seriously fucking frustrated, lost 15-20 games in a fucking row so I shut down my computer, got a headache, cant hear shit in my left ear. My stomach hurts like fuck.
Everything is going fucking downhill...
You know why I look forward to monday? Because then I don't have to feel so fucking lonely and sit on my computer 24/7. Everytime it is weekend I feel like: "Shit... what should I do now?" Cuz my life is... boring.
Fuck my life.
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self.depression
|
Highschooler On The Verge of Not Living Anymore I'm a 16 yr old junior and the past half-decade has been an absolute miserable ride for me. with this year being such an important year in terms of my academic studies, i've pulled off the worst of worst grades with an average of just 70. meanwhile, my parents dream of me to become a doctor. moreover, my inner demons addiction to pornography has completely dragged out the spirit from within me. i no longer feel anything, i don't have a purpose to live anymore. my teachers completely ignore my presence i have no friends and i no longer have any motivation. all i'm left to do is fap around when i'm home, lay in bed all day, not do any of my homework (got a 55% on my semester finals in AP Physics & AP Chem) you see, my life is a full load garbage. porn has had a psychological impact on me mentally and no matter what i do to change myself, i never seem to keep my foot on the pedal. hell nah, i've tried taking away my life, and man does it feel peaceful. please help me before it's too late
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self.SuicideWatch
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Holy Shit. Is this what Anxiety feels like? Guys, I'm so sorry. Bit of a backstory. I’m a 30 year-old male who has never had a history of anxiety. Sure, I’d get stressed on occasion but I always knew how to cope when I did. In fact, I’d go as far as to say I was almost too laid back. Nothing ever really phased me. My attitude to life was “if you can change it, make a change. If not, just smile and laugh and accept whatever life is throwing your way”.
That all changed 3 months ago. My god, did it change.
Back in August, life was going fine. Great girlfriend, great job, happy and on top of the world. Had a bit of a stressful week that week with a combination of work, etc., but nothing worse than I’ve experienced before. By the end of that week, everything was resolved and nothing major was going on. I went out for a couple drinks that night. Went home, then went to bed.
The next day, I woke up and my body felt like it had slept through a fucking war zone. My body was coursing with adrenaline, I felt tense all over and a tightness in my chest that I had never experienced. That tightness intermittently switched between a moderate and severe tightness to a moderate and somewhat severe sharp pain, localised around my heart. As soon as I woke up and realised that feeling wasn’t fading, I got myself to the hospital (having grown up learning that chest pains in a young, relatively healthy male = bad). My breath felt shallow, my face and hands were tingling all over, my body hurt. It was pure, unadulterated hell.
I went to the hospital and was seen almost right away. I explained my symptoms and they did a battery of tests (blood tests, ECG, chest x-ray, etc.)They kept asking me if I’d taken any drugs but I assured them the only vice I had put in my body the night before was alcohol. After a few hours and no relief, I came back with a clean bill of health. I was told that it would eventually subside and to just wait it out. If things didn’t get better, then to come back the next day.
I went home, in debilitating pain and discomfort, and forced myself to sleep that night. I fly regularly for work, so my emergency jet lag sleeping pills were a god send.
The next day, none of the symptoms subsided throughout the day or night, so when I woke up in the morning I took myself to a different hospital closer for me. Same thing, same tests, same results. I asked them if they could at least give me something for the symptoms, even if they didn’t know what it was. The way I was feeling, I knew painkillers or a Xanax or something would have helped. Nothing. They told me to schedule an appointment with my GP so that’s what I did.
1 agonising week later, I was able to see my GP. When she asked what the issue was, I explained to her the 24/7persistent, relentless, crippling pain and discomfort - which at this point had graduated to:
- Tightness in chest
- Chest pain
- Back/shoulder/neck pain (which I can only assume is from my body being so tense all the time)
- Lower back pain
- Hot flashes
- Tingling face/arms/hands
- Ringing in my ears (this is fun)
- Inability to sleep (unless I supplement with sleeping pills)
- Charged with adrenaline, inability to sit still or just stop and think (not because I have worries going on in my head, but because I was so crippled with this pain and discomfort)
At that point, she ran some more tests but couldn’t find anything wrong with me. She consulted with another Doctor and at that point, diagnosed me with anxiety.
Anxiety? I didn’t believe her. None of my problems were mental. I wasn’t anxious or stressed out about anything (with the exception of this one issue). There’s no way it could be stress! We went back and forth and I finally agreed to see a Psychiatrist if she would also refer me to a chest and lung specialist.
Anyway, after seeing a chest specialist, lung specialist, more GPs, a psychiatrist and a therapist, along with a battery of tests, it seems that it is anxiety. And it is pure, crippling hell. I went through heroin withdrawal one time in my life, and that was a walk in the park compared to this.
I used to be a happy, carefree, go-lucky guy. I’m now reduced to a shell of someone, so overwhelmed with pain and discomfort, that all I can do is breakdown and cry at the end of each day. I have no escape. No “safe zone”. Unlike other people who I speak to about anxiety, I don’t have any triggers. My baseline level of feeling is my body being locked in fight or flight mode. I’ve been experiencing a physical 3-month panic attack and my life is hell.
Anyway, I don’t say this to make you feel guilty for me. I say this to apologise. I used to think that people who suffered from anxiety (or depression for that matter) just had the wrong outlook on life. All they needed to do was smile a bit more, but on a brave face and just get on with life.
I now realise just how sincerely wrong I was. Anxiety and depression are very real. And now, experiencing it first hand, I can only offer my sincerest apologies. Not just for being flippant about these two issues, but because I truly do sympathise now for those of you suffering. I know I never did before. So, I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry for what you all are going through.
For those of you who are curious - I’ve tried beta blockers, but don’t seem to get any relief until I get to 80-160mg (2x a day), and even then it’s only about 60%. Though it does take it from unbearable to bearable. I’ve taken Valium and Xanax to ease the symptoms on days I needed to focus, which helps alleviate the pain by about 70-80%, but I’m well aware of how addictive they are so I can’t consider these a long term option.
At this point, I’m at the end of my rope. I used to say I would never, in a million years, take antidepressants. But then again, I had never experienced what this actually feels like until now. I guess sometimes we’re all talk, eh? After speaking with my psychiatrist and those close to me, I’ve made the decision to go on an antidepressant (Mirtazapine). At this point, I feel like it’s my only option. I wish this wasn’t the case, I wish everything was back to normal, but unfortunately that can’t happen. So now, I’ve decided to take the medication in an attempt to get my life back.
Anyway, I’m not sure why I’m telling you all of this. I guess I feel like I don’t have anyone around me who knows what I’m going through. My girlfriend is amazing and supportive, but she (understandably) just doesn’t get what I’m going through.
Thanks for listening guys. And again, for what it’s worth, I’m sorry.
Here’s to the Mirtazapine. Hopefully it works.
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self.Anxiety
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Times you have to pretend you're neurotypical-ish What are some times you've had to pretend to be "normal"/neurotypical whether it be for a job, for fear of stigma, etc? I'm always internally laughing a little, but also cringing. Here are a couple recent ones of mine:
1/ I'm working on my personal statement for a behavioral genetics grad program and what I *want* to say is: "I'm really interested in studying the interaction between genes and the environment because no one in my immediate family has serious mental health issues and I want to know why I turned out fucking crazy."
What I really say: "I want to study behavioral genetics because . . . (idk it's cool)."
2/ Another time, recently, training at my new job (I work in a mental health ward), my orientation leader was like: "some patients here are on civil commitment. do you know what that means?"
Me, having been through the commitment process personally less than a year ago: "No, what is that?"
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self.bipolar
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Having trouble falling asleep at my parent's house I'm back at my parent's house for Thanksgiving break, and I've noticed this during previous holiday breaks. I guess it's a weird paranoia. I've gotten used to all the sounds of living on the outskirts of a city while at college, being around a lot of people, having control over my bedroom. My parent's house is in the woods, still a neighborhood, but on the side of a mountain. I have a lot of memories in my childhood bedroom, including a lot of paranoid habits I had, and I sometimes fall back into them when I'm here. Always checking under the bed and in the shadows, checking on things, thinking I hear things. It's quiet around here at night, no traffic or sirens. I'd listen to music to fall asleep to, or even a city sounds thing online, but I still feel like something's off. I'm too uncomfortable to fall asleep easily and relaxed, like I have to check over my shoulder and listen to every little sound.
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self.Anxiety
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Just another whiny paragraph I feel the need to end it again. But I won’t. I never do. I lack the spine to do it. I’m tired of going through this. I’m not fun and I don’t have what it takes to keep this up. My life is fine, but I am not. Ungrateful, unremarkable, unkind, untalented, creepy...
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anxiety over sleep and sleep schedule. Hello. I am 26 male and have got a job for a year now where I have to wake up about 4:30am-4:45am to be at work at 6am since I gotta commute.
Well, lately I have been having issues with waking up feeling famished. I think I have hypoglycemia and it wakes me up.
Well, this morning I woke at 3:45am and wasn't able to get back to sleep. I fell asleep about 8:30pm and woke up a few brief times last night. But I'm freaked out and stressed that it's now 1pm and I'm still at work and I have been awake since 3:45am. Am I going to be OK!?
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self.Anxiety
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Anyone else stay up all night on their phone in bed because it feels like no time is being lost? All the time during the day, I feel like I'm wasting time, wasting my life, doing nothing, going nowhere. But at night, it's timeless. I guess I think these hours would've been lost to sleep anyways so I'm not losing anything at all.
I feel like if I could stay in this night forever, I'll never have to wake up to reality again.
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self.depression
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Is Suicide the ultimate freedom? Hello
I am not sure if this is the right subreddit but sometimes I think about going to bed and waking up to a new world where I am free. Free of hatred and judgement of others. Free of all the negativity of other people. Free of people who think me being autistic is a fucking joke. Free of people who consider me a guinea pig for experiment. Free of girls calling me creepy and girls who are racist and openly say "dark skinned indians are ugly"
I don't even want to follow my dreams anymore. Just want to be liberated.
I know this is twisted thinking but I am worried I am going to end up doing something stupid one of these days. As the pressure of the billion things on my plate starts mounting, I might grow weak and cave in. Someone please talk some sense into my head.
Thanks.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Thinking of quitting lithium (I’m tired)
I’m a walking pharmacy, I want to quit taking lithium and be feee. I feel my life is on a loop, day in, day out. It’s b&w and I want to live it in full color! I’d need to do lots of exercise (which I did before my dx so it’s not impossible!
I already feel angry, restless , mind racing but my body is lethargic so I KNOW I’m NOT manic or depressed.
What are your thoughts on stopping lithium ? Will the weight come off?
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self.bipolar
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I'm so anxious with school I cancelled my psych appointment and costed myself $50, causing more anxiety. I'm nearing the end of my semester, and time is of the essence! I have so much to do, and the thought of spending so much time on the bus to get to and from my appointment just had me so nervous. I called to cancel my appointment, and made up some excuse, only to find out that since I cancelled so last minute, I would be charged $50, but then I was too embarrassed to back out of my excuse. All leading to more anxiety about how I can't handle myself or my obligations.
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self.Anxiety
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Anxiety and sex Hello, I'm 28/m with anxiety and depression. I have harm ocd as well as pocd and hocd.. I've had trouble for the past few years with having sex, actually its pretty much been my whole life. I don't really understand why it is. I've thought many times that maybe I'm just gay or something but I don't want to have sex with men and thinking of it doesn't turn me on it grosses me out. The problem is thinking about women doesn't do anything either. I've had a couple embarrassing encounters lately trying to hook up with girls and my dick just laid there like a wet noodle. I don't really know what to do here, I want to have sex but I feel like in my body there is no energy and my dick is just there. I hardly even wake up with an erection. I'm not sure what's wrong but it feels like it's part of being nervous. I remember when I was younger and first started having the intrusive thoughts about kids it definitely made me not ever want to get aroused, not sure it that's what I did and now I never can or what. I was wondering if anyone else could relate to this and maybe give me some ideas on what to do. Thanks alot
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self.Anxiety
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Everyone be wary of your inboxes A lot of people are getting imgur albums of a woman cutting herself. I’ve already warned
r/teenagers and I’m just going along certain subs to make sure y’all are prepared.
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self.Anxiety
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Likely to die soon without ever having lived I never got to live my life and finally I have the possibility of a good life but I'm probably going to die painfully before that happens.
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self.offmychest
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Sick of people not caring I really am sick of people not giving a fuck about me. I'm in a long distance relationship and the only guy that does actually like me is my boyfriend in that relationship, and while we do make plans to meet its every two months because I'm at college.
I have leukaemia and due to that I always feel tired and alone. I am sick of people acting like they don't give a shit, I'm not expecting them to care about me but my new 'friends' at college don't even go as far as wishing me well when I'm going for my leukaemia checkups.
I never feel as if I'm getting my point across and on social media I see people getting attention for small problems like having a cold while with me I have leukaemia and it's a serious condition.
I just feel like I don't get the same treatment as anyone else and it makes me feel like shit every single day.
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self.offmychest
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I feel like I dont know "Me" I'm sure this has been posted here before and Im sure quite a few people do this, but I just feel like I have always just told people what they want to hear. So now as an adult, I don't know what if I actually like something or not. Im not able to decide a major, a song, or even my favorite color. i just feel like everyone I see has something that they are really passionate about but I dont know what I enjoy anymore. I just want to enjoy things without feeling like I enjoy it because of someone else. Any advice is appreciated.
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self.depression
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My girlfriend is depressive and I don't know how to properly treat her. Hello, I am currently at.. a loss, at best.
My girlfriend is really a good person, and no matter how hard it is for me to sometimes find that one right thing to do out of the pile of "this would never work on a normal person" or "this is not even a problem for a normal person", I really want to find that thing for her sake - I want to treat her well and keep self-destructive thoughts at a minimum.
Lately we have started to try and create something together. I do one part, she does another. We both aren't very good at it yet, but we wanted to pick it up, together.
But while I usually try to get something ready so she can add to it, she.. never really does anything. Gives up from missing creativity after five minutes and then doesn't give "finding references" or "researching how others did it" a chance at all.
When I ask her for favors, none of them are finished by the time I return - not even started or looked at.
I get (by now) that scolding and pointing out where she failed is not the right attempt for her, so I try every day to come up with new, softer ways and more.. constructive(?) ways to nudge her into that feeling of "take your time" "if you have fun doing it, then the time to try harder has come" "do it at your own pace" "that deadline is really just for practice reasons to see how far we can get in a given timeframe".
However, everything really has the same effect. Self-destructive responses of "I suck" "Sorry for being a bother" "I'd rather not participate anymore, I'm just holding you back"
I don't expect a solution here, but I'd really like to hear other opinions and experiences. Maybe get another view on the topic in order to change my behavior so I can be a better girl for her.
I really really love this girl, and I want to do everything in my power to make her smiles just last for another second, but for situations like this, I just am slowly reaching the end of my creativity.
Thank you, everyone, in advance if you choose to share with me.
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self.depression
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Starting a new job tomorrow that I have no experience in. I just had an interview, it went alright, he walked me through the factory and showed me what I'd be doing. It's loading glass doors and cutting glass, and the problem is I've only ever done hospitality and retail work. He said I can start tomorrow, I need a job but I feel sick to my stomach. I don't know if I can handle it, but I can't reject any jobs right now as I need money. Every time something good in life appears I instantly doubt myself and want to run away from it. I feel so depressed right now, and I don't know why, it's a good opportunity. I honestly feel suicidal (I know it's a little extreme) but I feel so much pressure on my chest, it feels like I'm going to fail and embarrass myself once again. Any advice?
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self.depression
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I had to quit my dream and move home [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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My best friend and I fell in love It's one of those things straight out of a movie scene. We've been friends/known each other for many years and in the last few years became close again. In the last 3 months something changed in the way we look at each other, but apparently this had been building up for us for a while now (we just didn't share/were afraid to share). Well I thought I was going crazy and then he told me he liked me and we just fell so hard. They say love comes when you least expect it, now I believe it. It's like a 2 for 1 - I get my best friend and my boyfriend in 1. People that know us don't get it, they're all kinda confused because it came out of nowhere. Heck, we don't even get it. But we're so in love. We're so happy. Like I've been happy with myself for the last year or so and now I can share my happiness with someone else. And our sex is crazy. How did I get so lucky?! I love you baby. I'm so happy this happened.
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self.offmychest
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Constant, nonstop anxiety. Like for 5 years. Hello friends, okay so heres the deal. I came to a realization a few weeks ago. I can't calm down. Every day of my life I wake up and I feel this horrible anxious pain. I am a student, and obviously that is incredibly stressful, but even over my Christmas break, I felt so anxious for no reason. I am going to visit old college friends in another town tomorrow, and I am anxious I won't be able to see everyone and that people will be mad at me. Does anyone else have this problem? Any suggestions on how to be less anxious?
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self.Anxiety
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Why should I stand up again? The more the year ends, the more my depression comes back.
Why I am standing up, eating, going to work?
I am thinking about ending this shit more and more...
Jumping out of the window. Taking all of my pills. Cutting deeper and deeper.
The cuts become more, both arms, right leg... they aren't that deep, but I can't walk properly. But that doesn't prevent me doing it again and again...
My life has no meaning. I have no task. My life is binge-eating, sleeping, having nightmares, going to work, cutting, repeating.
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self.depression
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Problems with bonding Hello. Im not sure how to start threads like this one, where to begin etc. I probably could find answer in other threads, but honestly reading other posts just makes me sad.
So its been 5 years since i have depression. Year ago i started using antidepressants and im feeling a lot better now (thoughts about ending it all dont bother me so often), but still im not feeling like i used to.
So here is my problem, I have never had normal relationships (Im 22). I dont get it how it works, i dont know what to say to a woman what to write and so on. It feels like i am in some kind of cycle. I start to like someone, i fail to get anywhere with it and go back to my depressive state again and again and again. This iniatially what caused my depression.
So yeah tbh Im just scared. My father, uncle and cousin end up killing themselves because of this "state" and i dont know how to approach my problem. Im not saying i want to kill myself, but im not quite sure how long ill be able to live life like this.
Sorry for my broken english. And um feel free to ask anything. And thank you for responses.
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self.depression
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i will never be male. i'm trapped. i hate myself. going to die a week ago i figured out, after years of off and on dysphoria that i tried to conceal by being ultra feminine, that i'm trans. FtM. what the fuck.
i can't handle this, it's too much. i've been isolated and depressed since i was 12, i have no friends. i live in the deep south, my parents are extremely right-wing trump-loving transphobes and nobody will hire me no matter where i apply. i have no job experience or driver's license. i can't move out.
i can't see a therapist. i can't get hrt. i can't bind i can't do anything
my sister who was very supportive is now telling me i need to suffer, acting like her cis self understands. she has no clue what she's talking about and i feel so much worse
i've always been suicidal, hating myself and the way i look which i know now is because i'm not supposed to be a woman
but i can't be a man. i'm trapped with my horrible parents and i'm only 5'0 and very petite so i will never pass as a man anyway
i can't take another second as a 'woman' i want to die. i am not eating hardly anything now, maybe i will just starve. i now know why so many trans people kill themselves
maybe someone will break in to this house and shoot me. or maybe i'll just shoot myself. my father has guns.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Losing Hope Graduated from college in December of 2016 and have yet to find a job. I’ve worked a shitty job in the mean time but was just fired today. With it being the holiday season I’m now stressed about my financial situation. Have a loving girl friend and family but can’t help feeling like it’s not worth it. All could be better off without me. Anyone?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Prozac/Fluoxetine and Lamictal I'd been on prozac for several years in my 20s to treat anxiety and depression. A few years later I had hypomanic episodes that my doctor and therapist didn't pick up on (at first). Apparently I'm very good at hiding my symptoms.
I've since talked to my psych about going off the prozac since it seems to maybe have triggered my episodes (last year I stopped taking Lamictal for a while and I went off into quite the tizzy). He thinks that as long as I'm on the lamictal it will protect me.
Does anybody have GOOD experiences with Prozac? Should I be trying a new psychiatrist (he's 70 years old, not blaming him for not diagnosing me properly even though my father is bipolar...)?
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self.bipolar
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Going off my meds! Hey yall,
Im 17 for reference, currently on a mood stablilizer/antipsychotic and an antidepressant for bipolar and while i probably shouldnt, im finally going off them! I hate the way they make me feel and its time to go back to where i used to be. Which might not be great but I’m quite excited for the change. Just wanted to share the good news!
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self.bipolar
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I am going to end my life soon. Some day, it feels so inevitable [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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To my best friend, who will hopefully never actually see this. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Autism is lonely I have Asperger's Syndrome...it makes understanding social cues, empathizing with others (IE understanding why you made someone upset), and social interaction in general very difficult. When compounded with existing depression, it makes me feel profoundly isolated sometimes.
Things have been looking up somewhat recently - I graduated college and am currently looking for a full-time job - but the fact that I will always struggle with this disorder and find it difficult to interact with others makes me profoundly sad. A relationship seems impossible, as does sex. I don't mind living by myself and have tried to come to peace with it, but being a round peg in a world of square holes does get to you sometimes.
Things can get better for me, but nobody else will know about it.
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self.depression
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stuck, desperate, and hopeless. i haven't wanted to be here for a little while now. i always used to say "i would never do it but it would just be easier." i used to say "i couldn't do it because i would rather suffer everyday than to hurt my family like that." my thoughts have been transforming to "my parents put me down every morning so wouldn't their day be better if that step was eliminated?" i can't afford to move out again at the moment and i can't stay at my boyfriends house every night, so what else am i going to do? i'm too mentally drained to work more shifts right now, which would be the only way i could afford a place sooner. my boyfriend is just as broke as i am so moving together isn't possible too soon, and if i was to be admitted anywhere to get better financially i'd be in an even worse position than i am already. i would rather get better, feel better, be better, but even that seems unattainable right now. i can't remember to take my meds, i lie to the therapist about how i'm really feeling or situations that have happened because i don't want to look stupid. i can't even confide in a therapist because i'm too scared to look "crazy". i just don't know what to do anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does anyone else find themselves begging their mind not to feel the way it does? This amount of times I've sat in bed feeling the world crumbling around me waiting for the next inevitable breakdown about to happen literally begging myself "Please don't, please don't, please don't, please don't, please don't, not now, please"
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self.depression
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i'm 25 years old guy wants a relationship with a girl whom understand social anxiety and be easy with me and i'll be the same with her
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self.depression
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Ya know how i said... (Trigger? Sexual. Whatever.) ... that I wasn't being unhealthy in thoughts of hot boy? Well. Shit.
It's complicated.
Ok. It's not complicated.
He came over for a massage. I'm good at them. I like giving them. Very little expectation of anything else. When I was mixing the oils he got into my personal space for a second and I gave him a scold of a look and said, "I was being serious about the massage." So, yeah, ya know, just making sure he understood.
So, massage is going super well! Then he asked for a leg massage, which I've never done, but sure, let's try. That meant pants off.
Omg the yumminess of all this was intense. Guy is built like a god.
He put his hand on my waist, sort of for stability, I suppose. I melted. I had to take a break. In his arms, naturally lol
One thing led to another, you know, but I was like, "Okay. But my underwear has to stay on." I'm confusing him, oi, but I have my reasons.
Hot and heavy. He wants it all. I say no. I'm not on birth control. He's got a condom. I'm like, "That's nice, but no." More fun happens. I go and get water and tell him he needs to wash his hands.
We're laying about on each other and he asks why I said no. Told him I'd give him 3 guesses. He just can't even try and I blurt out, "Some asshole gave me herpes."
Yup.
So... He's getting up to go after a little more lounging and I say, "We can do this again some time - I mean the massage. It doesn't have to turn in to this again." He said something like, "Oh, hell yes. I'd love to do all this again." I'm surprised.
Giddy.
Next day... Nothing in my inbox.
Next day... Only mentions progress on my car...
Next day... Nothing.
So, I hate holding back, I hate games. (Not that we're playing any but I know what my friends would say - to just leave it alone. I can't. That's just not how I roll.)
I sent a message that I'm insanely sorry for not telling him about it before hand. I felt like it was really fucked up. I'm mortified about it.
I've only had one sexual encounter in the last year, with a girl who already knew. So, I'm struggling with how to be intimate, period. Then I go about things in the wrong order.
I feel like I lead him on (we flirted for weeks.)
I feel like he's spent the last few days wondering if he could've caught it while I've been electrified and eager to just talk to him, about anything, about nothing, at least some reaction from him not involving fixing my car.
He's a really great guy. I don't want a relationship. Neither does he. But now I'm sitting here thinking I'm getting obsessive, feeling stupid and dirty and just bad, bad, bad. He's a busy guy, I tell myself, he has a million things on his plate.
But.
I fucked up.
Guess I'll just have to deal with it. And no, I won't say anything more to him. I can already tell I'm going down a road in my mind I don't want to be on.
But if he ever wants a massage again, I'm totally giving him one. Just hope I can control myself because I'd rather not put myself thru this stupid shit ever again.
Celibacy, come back to meee.
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self.bipolar
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I've been making the plans for awhile.. I'm sure a bit of this sub is people hoping for help, trolling, or just doing whatever..
The past few months I've been making the plans so my boyfriend can be self sufficient. I proposed to him back in Septemberish at a league (league of legends, we were at boston) tournament, but since then he's always seemed unhappy. I've been married before, I've had a lot of really bad relationship things in the past 6 years that's not entirely important. I'm 25 now, so it's too late to just start over.. I have no family since my parents divorced. My mother has always hated me and my dad and brother have been deep in drugs for my entire life.
My boyfriend is the only person I've worried about how they'll accept it, so I've made sure all the bills are set up, his insurance and everything so he doesn't have to worry about it (I've been handling the finances) I used to work to put him through school, but he convinced me to quit so I could go to school... But my ex husband made me quit school years ago so I owe money to even get financial aid back.
Today I finished all of the set up, and he's out snowboarding with his friends. He hasn't asked or taken me out in months so I'm sure he's ashamed of me.. so I'm just out. Today I finished all the prep.
I'm really sorry, Jordan. I've found a home for our cat Yuki and jinx, since you like the dogs more you'll be okay to take care of them.
I hope everyone else is doing okay.. I can't see a reason to not do this now, I hope you guys out there on Reddit are doing well, enjoying the winter (of that's your time zone etc)
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self.SuicideWatch
|
time to relive yet another 365 days for fucking nothing. what’s the point? why even try? all that i learned from this mess called “life” is that there is no point in trying, life gets harder and harder every single day to lead up to what? more hard work and stress to get us to nothing in the end. we humans work our asses off 24/7 for fucking jackshit. excuse me for my profanity here but i’m being serious, what actually is the point of this torturous cycle called “life”? all i’m willing to do right now is jump off an overpass because i can’t do it all over again...
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self.depression
|
A better way to think of hyper vigilance So as a lot of you probably know hyper vigilance is the term for when you end up scanning out an entire room and try to weed out potential threats and pretty much throw yourself into a pit of anxiety, well to counteract this I’ve turned it into something of a practice as opposed to a mandatory thing by studying body language. It sounds ridiculous since it could very well make you more paranoid but it’s worked in my favor where I’ve just started paying so much attention to detail that I can forget about the anxiety, it’s not fool proof but it does help with coping. It’s not much but I thought I’d share it with all of you :). I still can’t do crowds and loud noises as it interrupts my ability to survey a room and I think that does bother me a lot but we will get there one day
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self.Anxiety
|
Is anyone here on Wellbutrin (Buproprion) long term? Considering talking to my psychiatrist about this option and wondering if anyone here has done this. If so, say how long you’ve been on it.
This is a slight repost, sorry :/
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self.bipolar
|
This Christmas is going to be hard... I'll put the TL;DR right up at the front.
**TL;DR** My little sister died earlier this year. Her two daughters (3 [now 4] and 9) were orphaned. The 4-year-old is excited to see me and her other uncle (my brother) for Christmas. The 9-year-old is having serious difficulty adjusting and does not want to see us.
Okay, so this is a long story, but I will try to structure this like a newspaper article, with the most important details at the top.
My little sister died in February. She was 28. It was completely unexpected. (It was MRSA. She felt a little ill one day and was dead the next morning.)
She was a single mother of two daughters, 3 and 9. Their father is alive but is not in the picture at all.
There was kind of an ugly custody battle between their grandmother (my mom, their mom's mom) and their aunt and uncle (their dad's sister and her husband). They are now with their dad's sister and her husband. This is actually really good for them, for several reasons, one of which is that their cousin is also 9 and the three of them have always been close. But the issue of custody was pretty nasty there for a while.
My mom (the kids' grandma) lives in another state and cannot be here for Christmas. This is killing her. She spent last Christmas (2016) with my sister and the girls. That was the last time she saw my sister alive. She really, *really* wanted to be here for Christmas this year, but just could not make it work with her husband's schedule and budget.
Anyway, my brother and I want to see the girls for Christmas, of course.
The 4-year-old is happy to see us. She loves us and always has fun when we hang out (once every month or so).
The 9-year-old has been having serious difficulty adjusting. She came to an overnight family reunion with us over the summer, and when it came time to go to bed, she panicked and demanded to be driven back home.
Since then, it has been really hard to get her to see us. We don't know why. She does not want to see us on Christmas.
My own theory is that we just remind her of her mom, and that's hard for her. But I don't know, and neither does her aunt or her uncle (who she's living with).
She is seeing a counselor regularly, at her school.
I don't want to push things, and I don't want to make her uncomfortable or unhappy. At the same time, it really hurts not to be able to spend Christmas with her. I bought her some gifts, and want to give them to her in person.
Another thing is that it feels like I'm kind of having to put my own feelings on hold, like my mom's feelings and my niece's feelings are more important, so I'm just having to stay silent to appease everyone else. I don't know if that makes any sense. It just sucks.
|
self.offmychest
|
What are everyone's thoughts on caffeine? Don't want to feel like I need it Got out of the hospital a month ago (was rapid cycling and sort of mixed state like highest highs or lowest lows) I am feeling pretty good on my meds, but I feel like I need caffeine to really boost my mood, and if I don't have it I am somewhat down and not as confident and optimistic and lower energy. I'm unsure how I feel about this, because ideally I wouldn't need anything but my meds, good diet, sleep, etc.
Since going into the hospital I have cut out weed, alcohol and caffeine, but started having coffee again recently. At first it felt amazing when I had a coffee, but now needing more and more. Also it kind of creates ups and downs like when I need more, and also sometimes makes me irritable instead of feeling really good. I have to tendency to keep increasing amounts of substances to maintain that euphoric feeling.
What do you think? Thank you!
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self.bipolar
|
I don't know if I'm depressed. I feel like I'm just convincing myself I am. How can I figure this mess out? I used to be pretty bad but recently things have improved a little. I fear that now I'm just convincing myself I'm depressed because I want to be or something. Is seeing a psychologist my best solution?
|
self.depression
|
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