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Anyone put on Risperdone and go "batshit crazy," as I like to call what happened. Dr didnt listen. What do I do? I even crashed my car. My speech was going 24/7 people thought I was on crack. I am new to understanding my bipolar, even though I have been diagnosed for years. I ignored it until I moved to hell. Hell (Portland, OR) is very dark and just not my cup of tea. My dr made me come off Klonipin because of policy. I bet even in hell you get at least a klonipin refill...
Anyways, as you can see, this lead to now. One med she gave me was risperdone which she had given me previously, but quit due to it making me manic. I warned her and this is what happened. I told her it made me manic. I told her word for word "I do not feel stable and do not feel comfortable being on these meds." After the car accident I took off (just my car damaged, I hit landscaping) and went to the hospital that night and admitted for 12 hours. I am beyond pissed. I was already pissed that she didnt listen to me. Now? I AM PISSED.
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self.bipolar
|
I'm losing my mind lately So many things happened so suddenly it would fill a book if I went into detail. I broke up with my girlfriend months ago and as revenge she claimed I was abusive and sexually assaulted her and tried to have me arrested, my father whom I've looked up to almost all my life got drunk and tried to kill me and my family and even still I forgave him and took care of him after he got out of the psych ward, I clean, I cook, I do fucking everything and yet I don't even have my own room I sleep on a fucking couch which kills my back. I'm not talking about average every day cleaning either, I paid almost $100 to steam clean our carpets and barely even got a thank you. Our carpets were disgusting almost black with grossness. All my friends left me since my ex claimed I was abusive they didn't even ask me my side they just left. I've been seeing a therapist for a couple months now but my stupid fucking brain switches to "happy mode" whenever I'm there so I can't even plea to her to help me. I just want to end it all I'm so tired of people. I want to say I could just not do anything and sit around and do nothing but I can't I just can't do nothing but everything I do do is in vain. I didn't want my life to be like this, I was doing so well in life and all of the sudden it's gone. I feel such a blistering rage towards everything and everyone now. I used to be so nice and optimistic and now all I see are lies and untruths everywhere. I hate being complimented. I hate being told I did good or some shit like that. I hate girls and when they try to talk to me. I used to be the opposite always seeking female attention. Now a bloodthirsty rage bubbles to the surface of myself. I can't even think straight i don't know if any of this makes sense. I have nobody to talk to and that one day a week I do have someone I can't bring myself to tell them how truthfully buried in I truly am.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Chest spasms/twitches Just had chest spasms right next to my heart scared the crap out of me thought my heart was gonna give up and nearly made me have a panic attack.
It’s funny how it started in my stomach gargling and spasms and seemed to go up to my heart area just after I’d eaten and been toilet.
Now my calf’s are twitching and other areas of my body since I’ve worked myself up.
Anyone else had this?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Feel like a failure at 26 My childhood was a mess, but let’s start at college. I studied science because my dad wanted me to. Tried to convince myself to like it but never did. Managed to eke out the degree, got a job in STEM, $30k in debt. Oh, and I had an eating disorder this entire time. Lasted 7 months in job. STEM is such a stressful and competitive field, and I wasn’t even good at it, and I guess all the pressure caused my eating disorder to turn severe. Was hospitalized for 6 months. Quit job, obviously.
Got a new job at an animal boarding facility. Cleaning poop, pee, vomit, etc. It got very stressful. It was heavy physical work, and here I am with chronic pain and a bad knee. On Christmas eve I was in charge of 70 dogs. It was crazy. I had a nervous breakdown, was taken to the hospital, and quit the day after. Left the place in disgrace.
I didn’t work for a year after that. During a particular manic phase, I convinced myself to take an online course for medical transcription. It cost $2k. I talked to the program’s counselor and she had me convinced this would be perfect for me (because I could work from home). Well, I was terrible at it. I stuck out the course for a whole year, took the final, and failed miserably.
My self-confidence is in shambles after all this failure. I didn’t work for another year. I went to therapy every 2 weeks. I got put in IOP programs twice. It’s now been 3 years since I was first hospitalized. Physically, I’m restored, though I still struggle with food every day. Mentally, I know I have to try to ignore and counter the negative thoughts. But emotionally, I’m a mess. I have PTSD and it overwhelms me randomly. I haven’t worked out issues of my past yet. I cry everyday. I lie in bed a lot. I’m pretty useless.
Some positives: My parents can support me financially, so I have a place to live, food to eat, etc. I have a great fiance who lives with us. I adopted a cat and absolutelty love her. I have online friends and we game several nights a week. I had top surgery (that’s removal of my breasts), because of gender stuff I won’t go into here. That felt great, and relieved me from suicidal thoughts for a couple months. Bad news is gender stuff causes big issues between me and fiance for awhile. It’s ironed out now, and we are going on 5 years, so I hope we’ll be ok. He makes life a lot less lonely.
Writing it down, I feel lucky. I have fiance, friends, cat. Therapist. But. I’m still depressed. My emotions are so overwhelming. My family is dysfunctional. Parents are divorced but live together because neither can afford to move out of this house, so things are awkward (to put it lightly) because they hate each other and haven’t talked in 2 years. And I haven’t been sucessful. Feeling discouraged after 3 career failures. I read about people in their 20s starting careers and investing in their fucking retirement and here I am at 26 with nothing. Too stupid to get back into STEM. Can’t do physical work. Feel so behind. I’m looking into vocational therapy, but I’m scared I’m gonna fail at that too. Not even sure I can work, as bipolar makes me extremely unreliable. And, I think about overdosing a lot. Fiance has control of my pills, but I fantasize about digging them up and just...you know. I’m not at the point of attempting, but I do think everyday that it would be nice to die. I feel like I can’t function in this world, that I’m a burden to everyone, but mostly, that it’s so much effort to recover, get a job, deal with people, live, just so I can, what? Grow to old age, maybe outlive my partner, die alone and impoverished? Doesn’t seem worth it to me. But I ain’t dying yet. I just got the idea that if things don’t work out, I would end it. Right now, I’m just trying to live and see what happens, basically.
Thanks for reading this. I don’t know what I’m looking for, just wanted to get the thoughts out.
EDIT: Know what I’m most depressed about now? It’s stupid, but it’s my frickin’ hair. It’s a long story (involving trichotillomania), but I ended up buzzing it to 1 inch, and now I’m trying to regrow it again. It’s in an awkward stage and I absolutely hate it and seeing myself in the mirror just makes the depression worse. Stupid, I know.
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self.depression
|
My dog had to be put to sleep... and I just don't want to live any more.
I can't kill myself, because someone I loved dearly who has died was catholic, and I strongly believe I'll see him again. So long as I don't go to hell, which yeah, sounds funny, but I have to believe something, that it's not just a fall from one blackness to another, right?
But I just want to stop living. I want a heart attack, an aneurism, a tragic single car accident. I just can't get over this emptiness. The house is too big and too empty. There's a permanent smell of doggishness on the sofa. The place she used to lay in the bedroom has the mark where the rug is all squished in her shape. I've tried cleaning but it doesn't clean up.
I want to move, I want to die, I want my dog back. I don't even know why i'm saying anything. Maybe so everybody can laugh, cause even i know there's way worse things that people are dealing with. But I just can't take the lonliness. I have no kids, moved 3000 miles from my friends a few years ago and haven't made any here, I just don't want to go on. My life is over, there's no sunshine any more.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Feeling like shit when I should be having the time of my life I'm on a holiday of a lifetime but because of a few small things that have happened I'm once again feeling like absolute shit. Right now I just wanna be home crying in my own bed instead of this horrible hotel. I hate this feeling.
It's ok if no one reads this or responds but sometimes it would be nice to know that someone out there cares. I'd call my parents but I really don't want them to think I'm not ok while I'm all alone right now.
Hope I feel better tomorrow cause I still have two months left of my travels.
|
self.depression
|
L-Tyrosine? Have you tried it, and if yes, any differences? Does it interfere with any medications that you know of?
I recently added Fish Oil and a multivitamin. Looking into adding magnesium and Vitamin D3 ..
|
self.bipolar
|
How has your life improved after having your anxiety reduced? I'd imagine e.g., better focus, better reading comprehension, more fulfilling relationships and such stuff. Please contribute, as hearing about the potential benefits, while maybe obvious to some, might be the kickstarter someone out there needs.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Went out alone on a Friday night So I was laying on my bed bored out of my mind and I was like screw it , it’s Friday night and I’m going out and I went to the mall by myself. And I didn’t get kill!
|
self.Anxiety
|
My first and probably last question I don’t really believe that explaining how I feel to others will make me feel better. It just makes those who listen/read feel sad. I don’t want anybody to feel sad, and I don’t need sympathy or any other kind of emotional support from others. But I feel now that I should write something to someone before taking my very last decision.
What am I feeling? Extreme despair. Why? For a couple of reasons that might not be so interesting to list here. The point is I lost my hope, I lost my faith, i lost the interest of chasing any goal, I lost my connection with humanity, and I don’t think that there is anything important I can do in this life. The unexplainable part is that I was and still a very successful and mentally strong person. I went through things that can break the strongest men, I saw examples of men breaking apart from the same experience I had. I had to survive a war as a civilian, travel to two different countries and start from scratch in each of them, all by myself.
I have done that successfully, but the things that I saw, felt, experienced and thought of, took every kind of hope and belief from me, turning me into a desperate person. It’s important to mention that I’m a very logical person. Spent my life working with computers and programming so you can have an idea how I evaluate and take my decisions. Feelings have no chance to freely take control over me, but unfortunately, this is not the case anymore.
It is almost impossible for others to understand and believe me. When they see me having a decent job, and when they see me doing great in that job they don’t understand why I feel desperate. They see that I have a bright future, they don’t understand that i’m not thinking of the future anymore. The reason why I am keep going with my life and doing great because I am programmed to do so and the moment I stop doing this I declare to myself that this is the end. Now I am thinking seriously that there’s no point of continuing doing this. As it’s not making me feel better, why don’t I just rest forever and say goodbye to this world. This world that I don’t understand anymore, I don’t feel connected to anymore, and I’m not able to live in anymore. Give me a reason to stay fighting! I feel like I’m fighting for nothing, for no one and for no reason.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Those taking Trazodone, at what dosage did you find relief? And how long did your doctor work you up to it. I know 100-150mg is the range to treat, and I had been on 50mg for 2 weeks before my doc (just) switched me to 75mg (for 3 weeks).
He's a new doc I'm seeing and I think he's also going "moderate" speed with the treatment instead of increasing too quickly to "jump" to any presumable therapeutic amount (which I may not necessarily need i.e. 150mg and maybe 100mg is the mark - depends)
I'm now at the 'mid-range' relieving period of depression where you can sense things are getting better --- *but* still fear the next 1 week or so because you worry that things may not improve until you get to 100, 150mg... etc etc (i.e. dark thoughts still occurring and you wish you could speed things up!)
So I want to hear from those of you about how long you took to find relief, and if you felt the duration you were on a certain amount was too long etc...
P.S. of course I want to trust my doc, but I'm also just having anxiety about the next 3 weeks I have to be on the 75mg.... and whether 2 weeks is enough before the switch up to 100mg.
Thank you.
**EDIT:** ***Trazodone has worked to relief the depression.. where the SSRI's only made me manic and zombified. I'm now at 125mg and working toward 150mg. Coffee is an extra aid through the day to help.***
|
self.depression
|
Might kill myself if I have to do time in jail. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Can you guys help convince me to get a therapist? I'm on covered california, live around the east bay area, and made an effort to see someone at my school, because they "offered counseling" which was a nurse who gave me more resources to find off campus.
Before this I had a good therapist who I thought was covered by my program, since I went through the insurance website, but after 5 or 6 sessions she said I wasn't covered and that ended that. Prior to finding her I asked around 20 therapists who had no openings, so I just feel really defeated at this point. The resources for poor people are just so spread thin.
Also, I feel like I have this window of motivation/clarity that comes once every 4 months and if I miss it I just sink back down. So if you have resources or some encouraging words I'll take em.
|
self.depression
|
My best friend of ten years just ghosted me. We've been friends since high school and she moved to a different state in the southwest four years ago with her mom but we've maintained contact ever since and have been extremely close. She came to her home state to visit family earlier in December and we hung out every day-she was supposed to stay past Christmas. We had so much fun together. Her trip was cut short because she got into a huge argument with the relative she was staying with and they kicked her out of the house during a holiday party when she got into a huge fight with one of her cousins. I told her I would come and pick her up and told her she could come stay with me- she opted for a hotel and flew back home the next day, we exchanged few words but she told me the only good times she had when visiting were with me and that she was so lucky to have a friend like me. We made plans to FaceTime once she got back home but she bailed and kept telling me she was busy. She told me she was spending time with her mom and brother and that she was okay. I told her I was worried about her, that I hoped she was ok, told her she could FaceTime whenever she wanted and if she wanted to come visit me I'd pay for her plane ticket and she could come and stay with me.
I should also mention said friend is bipolar, has had an opiate drug problem in the past and currently does not work or go to school. Her last text message to me, two weeks ago was "thanks." After I told her that i would always be her friend and be there for her. She hadn't responded to any of my texts since then and would leave me on read. My last text to her was yesterday, I texted "hope you're doing ok and we can FaceTime soon." Left on read. Asked if she was doing ok and if she was upset about something or with me. Left on read again.
I find out this evening that she's since unfollowed me on Instagram and unfriended me on Facebook. she posted a picture of some fruity cocktail drink on Instagram so I'm guessing she realized she doesn't need me anymore.
This year was a bad one for me. I was sexually assaulted, went through my first real heartbreak, self-harmed, spent more time than I probably should've by myself, cried more than I ever had in my life, and still stayed friends with her. I thought we'd be there for each other forever. Now I'm just in bed alone crying. Once again, I don't know what I did wrong after someone ghosts me.
Fuck my life.
|
self.offmychest
|
Not really BP related, but taking a big step (TW: anorexia)
|
self.bipolar
|
Should I tell my parents Should I tell my parents that I'm an atheist? They are strict christians.
|
self.depression
|
Empathy would save everyone. I miss that empathy feeling. Nobody would listen to a closer look into yourself. Sometimes is too far for understanding, sometimes just people doesn't care.. and I actually cannot believe, people is not interested in deeper care and understanding each other. Empathy has allowed us to evolve. And it is so easy to see how much this thing has lose its meaning.. everyone has his inner demons, His possessions, his sufferings, his anxiety. But looks like no-one talks about this. Here In Reddit I did find a place where people talks. That's happy. I would like the world to be like this..
|
self.offmychest
|
Ranking of antipsychotics by side effect category [Ranking of side effects of antipsychotic drugs compared with placebo
](https://i.imgur.com/Bqa5WW9.gif)
Figure caption: Results are shown for all-cause discontinuation (A), weight gain (B), extrapyramidal side-effects (C), prolactin increase (D), QTc prolongation (E), and sedation (F). Treatments are ranked
according to their surface under the cumulative ranking (SUCRA) values (appendix pp 97–104). Extrapyramidal side-effects are defined by at least one use of antiparkinson drugs. OR=odds ratio. CrI=credible interval. SMD=standardised mean difference.
Source: Lancet. 2013 Sep 14;382(9896):951-62. doi: 10.1016/S0140-6736(13)60733-3. Epub 2013 Jun 27.
[Comparative efficacy and tolerability of 15 antipsychotic drugs in schizophrenia: a multiple-treatments meta-analysis.](https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/23810019)
The paper also has efficacy data, but it's actually for schizophrenia, so I didn't include that. (But I can if anyone is interested.)
|
self.bipolar
|
I shouldn't feel this way. I don't know if this is the right place for this rant, but I just feel really hopeless right now. Everything is so frustrating and I have no idea what I am doing with my life.
I have no good reason to feel this way. No bad circumstances or traumas, probably (maybe, who knows)no mental illness, no real justification. Objectively, I have it quite good. I'm not fat or extremely ugly, I'm smart and creative, I have a lovely Family, I'm studying at university, I get financed by my parents.
Yet, I hate myself. I think of myself as a disgusting, boring, asocial looser. I feel lonely, unwanted, useless, stupid. I remember myself of my past mistakes regularly and I worry a lot about everything.
I completely failed with my romantic interest and It doesn't let me go. I'm in an awkward situation right now, with no idea how to escape or make it bearable for me. I just want someone to love me for the person who I am, someone I can trust, cuddle and spend my life with, someone who listens, understands and supports me. Is that to much to ask for? Or am I just incompetent and unlovable?
I'm starting to fail exams at Uni. It's not that I'm not smart enough, I just can hardly motivate myself and I'm always tired and often have trouble concentrating when I should. I don't know what I'm doing. Have I even picked the right path?
I waste my free time with watching YouTube, browsing Reddit, playing video games, only to distract myself from the actual things I should be doing instead. The only way to stay happy is one quick laugh after the other or completely submerging into another world.
I only have a few people I'd truly call friends, but I rarely talk to them, or even meet them outside of Uni. Meeting new people is exhausting and often unrewarding. Deep friendships take a long time and effort, only to fade away quickly. Why is nobody putting in effort to stay friends with me?
The only thing I feel that I really had a talent for and was fairly good at, is drawing. Everything else I'm just mediocre at or I just suck completely. I post my art on Reddit now and then(not on this account) and it just makes me sad, when they barely reach double digit upvotes. Am I really this bad? Am I doing something wrong? Maybe I'm truly not good at anything. Is it wrong for me to seek validation?
I don't know how to do be a proper adult. I suck at life. I have no motivation to do anything, I have no clear goals for my future.
The only one I can blame for all this, is myself. Every single problem mentioned, could be easily solved, if I'd just do something about it. I know what I would probably have to do to fix this, but the simplest things are apparently too hard for me.
Thanks for reading. Please excuse any mistakes, English is not my mother tongue and It's late at night.
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self.depression
|
When I start drinking I feel a compulsion to drink more till I’m either sick or cut off. Does this mean I have a problem? I’m usually the first to start drinking and the last to stop. I’ve also dui’d. My friends/sibling/pdoc say I do. Just need some strangers opinions to admit what I am.
|
self.bipolar
|
Self harmed for the first time today Honestly, it's surreal. I didn't expect to actually be able to do it. My original intention was to slice my arms open and bleed out but of course that's not very realistic... but there was blood. They're there now, on my wrist. It's crazy, I actually did it. I can't decide if I want more or not. Honestly, I just feel... Better. Like it was a release of aggression and sadness. Of course I'm not planning on totally trashing and scarring my arms forever though. They were light. But- WOW. There is no going back now.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What a way to ruin a day I had my performance review (first one in 3 years! From someone who has only worked here for 4 months!) and got mostly unsatisfactory remarks. I work so hard, I try so hard. I've been here 11 years and this is the worst performance review I've ever had. I've struggled a lot this year with my bipolar and anxiety and have missed days that are covered by FMLA so they can't discipline me for missing days but they can say I don't work hard enough because I'm not able to come in or whatever.
I don't know. Maybe I'm not cut out for this. I've only been working here 11 fucking years. I'm so upset and trying not to cry.
|
self.bipolar
|
All my friends do is talk about babies, babies, marriage and more babies...HELP! Ok that’s another friend just told me today she’s pregnant. She asked me to meet up in the evening (not seen her in 6 months because she’s always too unwell to meet up at the last minute), but she manages to see me when all she does for 2 hours is talk about herself and that she’s pregnant. And I have 2 more friends having babies in the next few months, and 3 friends have just recently had babies. Babies, babies, babies!!! I can’t cope. (I don’t even find babies that cute....am I normal?!?) I just can’t fake be happy and fake smile anymore because I find the repetitive conversations absolutely mind numbing. (Yes, I know I’m being a bit selfish and maybe I’d be the same in their situation, but c’mon!!)
And if the conversation changes oh my, it’s engagement, or marriage. My friends have nothing else, and are completely uninterested, when trying to talk about something else and it’s driving me insane!!!
|
self.offmychest
|
Mother: It’s much better if you’re dead Well I am a college student right and for almost 2 years I’ve been dealing with depression on and off I was diagnosed with extreme depression in which they giving me meds but I don’t take them as I’m scared of being dependent with it.
So here it goes, I was in a party as I was forced to go by my friend and they partied all night and I was trying to have fun but I don’t feel like partying at all. I have 9am class the next and of course I was up like until 6:30 and dose off and didn’t make it to class and my mom knew about it and she was so mad at me as she was talking on the phone with me. The next day I went home and she was really mad and shouting “Good for nothing!” “You’re better off dead” “Kill yourself “ and at that moment I was holding back my tears and a lot of thoughts came through my head and they weren’t good ones. The whole day I was blank and didn’t really talk to anyone even to our workers ( We manage a huge business) Those words keeps repeating over and over again. Yes I was thinking of suicide like before but I am always thinking about the shame I am going to leave to my family’s name. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel worthless and lonely.
My mother doesn’t believe in depression like she thinks depression is just an excuse, I had a record of not going to class for two months and did nothing but stay in my room. Please help.
|
self.depression
|
At what point do you decide enough is enough. What is the point of trying when you’re unsuccessful in school, girls, family, and just life. Why try. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Years of pain making you numb. Hello. My names Olly and I myself am not depressed, just thought I'd get that out the way. But someone I love has been depressed for years. I've just recently met this person (let's call her "Amy") so I don't know the whole situation.
Basically, she's had a rough life. Amy has told me that she's been having bouts of depression for around 6 years now, each one worse than the last. She told me about how it used to hurt. About how she promised she would end her life. But she didn't. And now she doesn't feel anything.
Amy said it's like her mind died but her body kept on living. She hardly even gets sad anymore, she just says she feels numb.
She has family that she doesn't feel she can talk to. Her BF doesn't understand depression. Her friends just know she's not happy but don't know the extent of the problem.
Anyway, we had a little argument, and she said something that broke my heart. "Do you know how long it was since I've felt happy? Or felt anything? I don't think I even remember how to feel any more."
She just seems so bleak all of the time. I feel so helpless. If anyone has any ideas how to get through to someone so numbed by pain, please tell me. I'm seriously panicking because I love this girl like a sister and she needs help.
Thanks,
Olly.
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self.depression
|
It’s... tempting in a different way... I’ve dealt with extreme depression and anxiety before. I’ve dealt with suicidal thoughts before. I know what it’s like and that’s not what I’m going through right now. When I think about doing it... you know, complete darkness, no more life, pop and everything is just gone... it just seems so appealing. It doesn’t seem like the only way out, but I’m so tempted to do it because it’s the fast and eady way out. Do you get it? Is this a dangerous mindset to have?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I woke up having a panic attack I was a dream about my last rat dying. She died in the dream, and I spent most of the dream crying. At the end, it became so intense, that started having a panic attack and couldn't breathe, and that's how I woke up.
This isn't the first time it's happened either.
I can't even escape in my dreams
|
self.Anxiety
|
Is it normal to crave being manic again? As some background, I have not been manic in almost 2 years. I also stopped taking medication for bipolar disorder about 3 months ago. This was with the approval of my therapist and psychiatrist after going though a lot of different therapy including DBT. Lately, I have been having slight symptoms which, because of the therapy, I am able to think differently about them instead of being delusional about it. I know it can be super destructive in many ways, but I crave mania a lot. Just, the euphoria and intense feelings of love towards people, and the sex feeling so much better. Is this normal?
|
self.bipolar
|
College is hell when you're depressed. I don't even necessarily mean the part that people usually talk about, seeing all the happy beautiful successful people with active social lives - although that's part of it. It's mostly the constant falling behind and then hating myself and imagining myself failing in my future career because of it. There's no days off in college. When I can't get out of bed because of my depression, my coursework suffers, which damages my mental health which damages my grades, and so on. It's a terrible cycle, and it's especially pronounced at this time of year. Tomorrow I have to turn in a lab notebook that needs a lot of catching up on, I need to be ready for a lab practical(I missed over half the labs this semester, and the last open lab, which I didn't go to, ended 40 minutes ago) I need to create Geography presentation which I'd be extremely anxious to present even if I'd prepared properly, and I have an exam in my psychology stats course which I haven't attended since before Thanksgiving. Last semester I dropped 1 course and failed another due to depression, and this semester I already dropped 1. This is after having a 3.94 GPA my first semester, which is the part that really makes me angry at myself. I know I COULD do so much better, but instead I'm going to fail out of college over the next few semesters and likely kill myself. I've attempted suicide before, and the only thing that has kept me going these past two years is the hope for the future - which is slowly but surely disappearing.
|
self.depression
|
Let’s hear some success stories. I could use a few glimpses of hope out there
|
self.Anxiety
|
I hate myself, literally. I have to go to school everyday and see the girl I love the most and the one I'd do anything for, my ex/best friend, slowly distance herself from me without even realizing it. I have to see her talk to the guy she likes now everyday from early morning to night. She barley gives me the slightest bit of attention now and she doesn't even realize it. They're going on a trip together soon as friends, but all I can think about it what might happen on the trip. I smoked a lot recently and the last day I told her I wasn't going to smoke. I ended up doing it and had the worst high of my life. I've never felt so much regret and sorrow for myself. Day in and day out all I think about is if we'll ever be together again, knowing it probably won't ever happen. The guy she likes is really nice, but I don't want to hate him. No one in the school knew we dated for 2 years, so I sit alone and witness them having fun and when someone asks if I'm okay I just say I'm tired because I don't want to make a big deal out of it. 3 Weeks now and everything keeps getting worse. I'm not too sure what to do anymore. I'm ugly. Can't and won't move on. And will just sit and wait till she rolls around again.
|
self.depression
|
I feel like no one believes me I'm an extremely anxious person. If you can think of it, I can get anxiety about it. I'm extremely suicidal because I know there's no escape from it. Especially since working is the literal worst thing for my anxiety. I've had doctors, therapists, even mental hospitals just blow me off and say that I'm not that bad. Then they give me meds and say cope better. I FUCKING CAN'T. That's why I lost my last job, that's why I tried to kill myself, that's why I still want to. No one takes it seriously. I'm crying like a baby right now because I have to go to work in 2 hours. The urge to eat a bullet is extreme and I just want it all to stop. I don't wanna work at Kroger for the next 50 years crying every day before every shift. And it's not just this job, it's every job. I've tried finding other jobs and they all do this. But just cope right? Just breath deep and meditate and I won't want to kill myself or bosses and I'll be able to stop anxiety in it's tracks, right? Bullshit. I've tried got years all these coping skills and meds and none of it does anything.
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self.Anxiety
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Idk. I want to be live that my friends are my friends but they just act as though I'm nothing. They won't hang out with me when I ask and sometimes they would say that acually don't like me. I don't know what to do. There really the last reason I'm alive..
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self.SuicideWatch
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Edjucated replys only please I take 25mg sertraline hcl (Zoloft) every night at 11 and have been for almost a year, my girlfriend wants me to go drink would it be ok to skip it that night and take it when I get up or just to drink with it in my system I'm only planning on having 4 beers max and maybe some shots, I quit smoking weed while I'm on Zoloft because I noticed it made me delusional and paranoid, even tho I've been smoking for years from when I got up to when I went to bed, would there be any serious problems as in heart attacks or dying if I drank, I could handle depression or anexiety I just don't wanna die help plz
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self.Anxiety
|
I’d rather be dead than live in someone else’s body. So sometime this year I took a bunch of pills. I lost my body somehow. Can someone explain to me what to do to get it back. Maybe I could do something.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My dog walked in on me masturbating I'm freaked out right now. He saw everything. I'm worried he's going to tell someone. He can already read my mind and shares it all with my mom. She will sign me up to have my clitoris removed and curtains sewn shut if she finds out I touched myself down there.
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self.offmychest
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Did something thag will ruin the rest of my life. Feels like km spiralling I really struggled during this academic year and I failed to hand in some of my assignments .now I wont be graduating next year. Feeling really overwhelmed right now. I know everything is my fault but I know no one will understand what is going on with me. I don't know if I can carry on . my family probably won't want me now.
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self.depression
|
Today my new boss told me to charge customers for a service whether they agree to it or not. And also to tell them the service is "included" during my interactions with customers. And not mention the price. Ah No. So this is a part time job just to supplement my income and for a bit of fun.
It's a different branch of a company that I worked for a few years ago and the opportunity came up and I said "what the heck, I know how to do it, it's fun, and I'm good at it. Why not?"
In the few weeks I've been there I've performed really well. Either exceeding or meeting the KPIs and selling quite a lot. So the manager is kinda up my butt to keep me there (he knows I don't need the job so he's being super nice to me since my stats are high.)
Cut to today: Are you fucking kidding me?
We have a service/product that we offer that I actually sell quite a lot of, it's a good service and I'm honest with the customers about the price and how it can benefit them. If people don't want it, fair enough. I'm not going to risk losing a sale and/or pissing off a customer by being jackass.
I sell a LOT of this service and ALWAYS meet my corporate targets on that KPI. It's not a fucking problem, Chet.
But Chet has a "Personally made up" KPI for this particular product/service. That he made up in his head. Which is drastically above the company target and not even reasonably achievable, unless you, I don't know... LIE TO CUSTOMERS AND STEAL THEIR MONEY.
Weird thing is, we as sales staff don't even get a bonus for this product, it's just lumped in with our performance KPI. Just for the record. I sell it because it's not bad and because it's part of my KPI. I can't even figure out why "Chet" is so obsessed with it.
So today. I've kicked butt at work yet again and I get some bizarre coaching from Chet. Which I nod and pretend to agree too because.. I know how this stuff works.
Then I realize a good hour ago. He was literally telling me to "sell" the product differently than I already do.
To tell customers that this service is "included" in our products, but DON'T TELL THEM THE PRICE, then add it on at the end. And "if they notice" then try to "re sell" it to them by telling them how much they need it.
Fucking actual hell. It took me an hour to realize that he is telling me to lie to customers and then hope they don't notice they're being charged for something I told them was "included".
On what fucking planet did I sign up for this????? I worked for a different branch of this SAME company and I still know people who work there. WE NEVER DID THIS SHIT AT THE OTHER BRANCH! No way is this company policy.
Fuck. This is my sign to leave. a bit of extra cash sho' is nice but.... I can't work for someone who is telling me to do this.
(I know this isn't as severe as other things on here but I had to get this off my chest.)
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self.offmychest
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My depression has started to severely negatively affect my life. My lack of motivation to get up out of bed, eat and do anything is really hurting me. I’ve started viewing suicide as an alternative to doing anything. I don’t care enough to even seek help anymore. This post is more of an outcry hoping for some sort of miracle. I don’t know what else to do.
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self.depression
|
Just posted this based on a post in r/ depression but feel compelled to ask others...maybe worth the read🙃? My bipolar has caused me to always seek relationships, other options while in relationships, and not proud but I have cheated before (only kidding) but still horrible..,
I've lately been thinking about how bipolar has affected my life and what could have been in relationships/friendships. Through therapy I have been able to regain some of my close friends back. I explained to them my situation and they have been so supportive, I am lucky.
Thinking about what ifs and horrible ways I've ended things has been something I've always done..🙃
. One I've been thinking about a lot has this amazing life and just got engaged to a girl who seems really great for him. It was more of a friendship/relationship that we maintained while seeing other people. We were never physical but talked everyday and definitely loved each other. We met in high school on a trip and just never stopped talking for like 6 years, we lived in far away states. We knew everything about each other. With my onset of bipolar I just disappeared from him....I've never felt so horrible but I had some crazy things happening to me. He had tried to contact me but obviously gave up after 2 years. I fucked up..., I was in a relationship at the time, the same one I'm in now, for some reason I had it in my mind that I would be murdered by him for NO reason at all. I had hallucinations and anxiety.
He texted me once after 3 years of not talking, saying that the book The Great Gatsby reminded him of me. I never answered but want to know why, what he meant, it's one of those things....
I miss just talking. I miss my best friend. I want nothing romantic I just want to be friends. I friended him on Instagram in the summer and it took him a week to follow me back, I know him and his hesitance towards me. I want to dm him so badly, I have no intention of pursuing anything but friendship, his fiancé is perfect for him and I am so happy as his past relationships were not what he deserved.
I just wish I knew where to begin...,
There it is, a partial snitbit of my crazy life on the internet.
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self.bipolar
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I don't even know what to do.. So a couple weeks ago my girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me, no in person or over the phone but through text. Yes we have been fighting some and she wanted to end it before she completely resented me or so she says. I have been going through extremely an stressful work environment. My company nearly going bankrupt each day and in a turn around phrase, oddly through it all I have got 2 promotions. Anyways none of this makes me happy, the job, money anything because I have anxiety of people losing their jobs I grew with and care about after 7 years. So this has been taking a toll on me for 5 months and it has caused me to lose energy in just being myself and which caused most of the fights.
Anyways I have depression, anxiety and asperbergs. My whole life for the last part of the year has been thrown all in whack, and to put it in prospective - if I don't shower ever morning before doing anything my whole day is thrown off and I get so emotionally overwhelmed in general. (So sorry if this seems all over the place because I'm at that point while writing this). But basically I don't wanna live anymore, the pain for the last 2 weeks has become too much to handle. I am barely getting 4 hours of sleep from having big anxiety attacks each night and when I do finally sleep all I dream about my ex either breaking up with me or in some odd fashion leaves me for some guy at like a party like setting. I don't know why I dream that every night for 9 nights in a row. I am at a breaking point and I guess this is my reach for help. I had all these plans save up so we could move away from our hometowns that we did not enjoy and travel. Now I an just depressed and throwing money away at material things that make me happy for 30 seconds and then get depressed over throwing money away. Basically everything is a revolving door, and I feel trapped in this life I no longer want to live and I lost so many friends because they've either moved or found their SO. I don't know what to do anymore...
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self.depression
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Why is everyone so happy but I’m so depressed [deleted]
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self.depression
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No Motivation at the worst possible time I have recently just lost all motivation to do work and study/do anything "productive". This has happened at the worst possible time as final are here and I really should study but I really can't bring myself to do it. I also have a paper to write that is already two days overdue but even though I went to the library and basically removed myself from distractions and I still can't bring myself to do work. I just feel so empty, like I know that I should be super stressed and really get serious about things but I really have no motivation to do anything. I just do not know what to do.
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self.depression
|
I feel so alone I’m struggling to find any reasons to fight when I just get sicker and sicker in my head a very day. I’m tired and I don’t want to fight anymore but I’m scared to die. I’m so weak and pathetic it’s no wonder I drive people away.
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self.SuicideWatch
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All I do lately is think about how shitty my life is going to be
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self.SuicideWatch
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I survived the doctor's office So, I went to the doctor's office today (new doctor, new insurance), which always drives my anxiety nuts. The doctor was very understanding of my anxiety concerns, and even allowed me to speak with a very nice gentleman from the psychiatric team.
My chat with him was super helpful, and he told me something that makes me feel better about it all. He said that he sees around 4 - 6 people every day with anxiety issues; much more common than I had realized. I've spent so much time looking at myself as "abnormal" and the rest of the world as "normal", that I just assumed there weren't that many of us with anxiety.
After my appointment, I bought some flowers to reward myself for getting through it.
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self.Anxiety
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I hate antidepressant ads Whenever they come on the tv I can feel everyone trying not to see if I react. Its just such an intrusion
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self.depression
|
Does this happen to anyone else? You’re really anxious about something specific, then, after the situation is resolved, you still have a pervasive, low level anxiety that you just can’t shake? Does anyone have advice on how to get rid of it?
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self.Anxiety
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Anniversary blues Feeling overwhelmed this morning with my emotions all out of whack... Didn't really know what to think about it, as my meds have been working and things are going well for the most part... Then I realized what it is - the anniversary of my suicide attempt. It's been... 8 years now?
Depression sucks, and the marginalization of those who live with mental health concerns doesn't help. I am grateful for the friends and family who have been there for me over the years, and cannot stress enough how much it helps just to have a non-judgmental person to check in with every so often. (At least it helps me...)
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self.depression
|
I don't see much reason to keep living right now I'm not about to kill myself, but I don't see a lot of reason not to right now. Earlier today I felt a lot more hopeful I was wrong about being trans. Right now I'm wearing a big sweater with leggings and short boots and my girlfriend helped me put on make up. I shaved my beard, which a hate. If I were actually a girl this would be ok, but I hate myself right now. I hate feeling feminine in these clothes. I'm actually neutral toward the clothes, which scares me because I'm afraid that I actually like them and I just have internalized transphobia.
I just want to be manly.
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self.SuicideWatch
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As a university student who can't get hired for simple jobs cause I don't have the experience, I hate seeing slow employees doing jobs I could do 10x more efficient-- your loss. It just grinds my gears.
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self.offmychest
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Thinking about Death I’m not in any way suicidal, just to clarify. I just always think about myself dying in different ways. I think about myself getting in car accidents and getting shot, finding out I have some rare disease or cancer or heart problems. It varies. It typically happens before I go to bed. I never think about killing myself, and I always think about how my death would affect those around me. Tbh I’m not sure if this is more anxiety or maybe hypochondria or both, but, if any of you have similar thoughts, how do you handle them? They don’t really bother me, they’re just there, in the back of my mind all the time—when I’m not actively thinking of something my mind wanders to those kinds of thoughts
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self.Anxiety
|
I don't know what to do anymore? I don't know what to do anymore - I always thought the key to 'happiness' was constantly having goals and accomplishing them. Sure, the momentary gratification is great, but then what?
I came to the conclusion happiness like anger, is momentary. "Everything has an expiry date" -- something I didn't want to believe when I was younger. I was a very optimistic child. But I'm almost 24 and I no longer know what to do. I hate the concept of 9-5 living, I know travelling is great but how much travelling can you do without feeling like you're escaping, I haven't been in a relationship since I was 19 -- I no longer understand the feeling or concept of love and/or romance. Every time I like someone new, they treat me like shit and have no interest in reciprocating (to my knowledge). At first, I thought perhaps I was just attracted to emotionally unavailable men, but now I'm considering there's something wrong with me (I'm aggressive and opinionated, and I understand there are lots of men who may not appreciate that).
I moved to North America from the Middle East when I was 18, and went through slight culture shock, but my mentality has definitely expanded/progressed because I no longer live in my 'bubble' of comfort. I was diagnosed with chronic depression when I was 15, and I understand that it comes and goes in waves. But this past year has just felt like a constant weight/burden. I just wish I knew what I needed to do in order to feel a little fuller and fulfilled. I've been considering volunteering and travelling more, and hopefully, meeting people I truly connect with. It's just hard because I've been in so many toxic situations, I no longer know who to trust. I'm too nice, and I think people have enjoyed taking advantage of it in the past. I also grew up in a highly shallow and judgemental circle, so rebelling against that and forming my own path felt great initially, but now because I feel like there may be something inherently wrong with me, I want to win back those tribalistic judgements.
Any feedback/relation would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for taking the time out to read this.
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self.depression
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UPDATE: I have a 2nd job interview tomorrow Today was a heck of a day. I applied for this radio station job last week with the expectation that I would work part-time doing the news and some office work. It's not my ideal dream scenario but it's a job in radio, which I love more than anything else.
I walked into the interview today and knocked it out of the park. So much so that the owner is going a completely different direction with me. He offered me a morning drive show simulcast on two of their stations. They've never done a live, local show on this radio station. Like...ever.
I wrote this in my initial post, but getting into radio was part of my therapy and mental well-being. The idea was that if I did something I loved that mentally/creatively stimulated me then I would be prone to having fewer episodes and just be in a better place overall.
This proved to mostly work. I was able to be creative to a point but I was still restricted by someone else's parameters. This new job would offer me the chance to build something from the ground up. It's giving me the opportunity to build my own brand. I've always looked at radio as a form of art and I've just been given a blank canvas.
My wife didn't know how to handle me when I came home today. She hasn't seen me like this in over a year. My moods haven't really cycled; they've pretty much been low and lower. I feel higher than I've felt in a really long time. She couldn't stop smiling and hugging me.
I just wanted to share this news with someone. I've been under this dark cloud for so long and it's nice to feel good about something for once. Thanks for reading.
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self.bipolar
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My score on the anxiety assessment has been lowered 2/3 in the last year! This time last year I was a bundle of nerves, having panic attack’s and feeling like I’d never be happy, and now my assessment score has been cut by two thirds!
I just wanted to share this with everyone because, although my troubles were probably considered mild compared to other sufferers, I managed to get through it and I wanted to support others by letting you know it can get better!
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self.Anxiety
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I say I'm a trans woman, but in my head I'm a man with a sex fetish [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I’ve never felt like I needed to talk to someone till now I need help someone help me please
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self.depression
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How do you guys feel when you haven't left the house for days? I'm sure every depressed person is familiar with this scenario. You're tired, you have nothing to do and just vegetate not leaving the house for days. Pretty much the worst thing you can do when you're depressed. How does that make you guys feel?
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self.depression
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You ever get bad news over and over in a short period of time? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I'm so fucking lonely and sad Girlfriend of 5 years broke up with me because of how low and depressed I was. I was stuck in cycles of absolute apathy, and when I wasn't apathetic I wasn't pleasant. It's been a few months. I made a lot of progress in my mindset, started taking proper medication. But I'm still completely unmotivated with uni and I'm floundering. I have pretty much nobody close in my life. I haven't truly clicked with anybody. I want to just work on myself and get myself motivated but I just feel so fucking lonely all the time.
I don't speak to my family nor do I want to. Attempts at socialising are shallow and I haven't made any true friends. I may be homeless once I graduate this year if I don't get my shit together. But all I feel is this overwhelming loneliness. I just want to fall in love with somebody again. I just want a partner in life again because I can't fucking stand this.
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self.offmychest
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Was just prescribed Trentellix(haven’t started taking yet).Anyone willing to share their experience with this med? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Just slept for ~48 hours. Not depressed? So Wednesday night I went to bed at midnight and have practically slept until now Friday at 10:20pm, having only woken up for small increments to check Reddit or text friends before falling back asleep. Now I woke up realizing I'm already 20 minutes late for work because it was inconceivable to me that I'd need to set an alarm for that. I'm not depressed, so this isn't unable to get out of bed depression stuff, it's just unexplained complete exhaustion to the point of being practically comatose. Is this a bipolar thing? Or something else I should get looked at?
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self.bipolar
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Trying to talk I've been trying to find someone to talk to. I have people, but some are people like parents and parent-in-laws, and others are really supportive and good to talk to but I don't want to bother them too often because people are busy and have their own lives. Thinking about saying something to an old acquaintance, just for a normal conversation, some company. But I don't know if that would be weird for her. I'm very conversationally outgoing, so I don't always know what other people are comfortable with. Does that make sense?
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self.depression
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Drowning in darkness...again I’ve been battling depression and anxiety my whole life. This battle has mostly been a lonely once since my family doesn’t believe depression is real and my friends are all neurotypical..however, for the first time ever, two people now in my life who seem to be trying to help. My boyfriend and a friend from grad school.
Lately, my depression and anxiety have gotten pretty bad. I’ve had two really intense panic attacks in the last 24 hours and my body feels completed exhausted. I can’t stay awake, can’t even stand up without losing my balance. At the same time, I have to fight to stay productive because school is rough and I’m trying to write my thesis.
Since yesterday, I’ve started pushing those two people away. I always do that when I’m depressed so I’m not surprised I still do it, but I’m so mad at myself for it. They are so kind to me and tell me positive things, but I don’t deserve that. They also have a lot going on in their own lives and it feels extremely selfish of me to bother them with mine.
I’ve been having thoughts of death. Right now the only thing keeping me a life is the fact that if I did kill myself, nobody would be here to take care of my dog. I doubt anyone would find my body soon enough for my dog not to starve. That sounds stupid, doesn’t it?
I really just can’t talk about any of these things with anyone. I’m too scared to bring these up with my therapist too because I worry she will send me back the psych ward. And if that happens, I won’t be able to survive.
I don’t know how to finish this post..I guess I was just hoping someone would tell me I’m not alone. I don’t know.
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self.depression
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So THIS is what it's meant to feel like! It's funny but out of all the people I've dated over the last 3 years, none of them compare to someone who is actually truly right for me. We both haven't felt like this in about 3 years. We met under a week ago and it feels like we've known each other for much, much longer. I'm incredibly introverted but our first date went for 9 hours and I still want to see him again, and he still wants to see me. The communication is effortless and natural, our sense of humour is identical, I just don't know how this happened. We're both in disbelief and I'm so happy 😊 I'd forgotten what it felt like to meet someone you were actually right for.
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self.offmychest
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I don't like Christmas..... Alright I don't like Christmas. Happy? I don't enjoy decorating or buying people gifts. I don't like you either and right now nothing makes me happier than knowing that I can say "No I'm not going and celebrating Christmas with you!". I don't like you. I almost died twice last year and I currently owe a friend a fucking life debt I'll never repay. Christmas, and the holidays in general are awful for me. But you'll never understand that anyways. In your perfect world everyone agrees with you and everything you want to do. I hate you. Fuck. You
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self.offmychest
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This is really weird, but I need some advice. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Can’t sleep at my aunts house and feel so stuck [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I need somebody. In this moment without someone, I decided to write some thoughts down, and see if people I don’t know can talk. https://imgur.com/a/Bespi
Here are the contents of that picture in a typed form, in case the link causes issues or turns people away.
Probably Rhymeless Songs.
I should probably kill myself.
My hopes are too high to live through the fall.
When the sky falls down, I will be crushed.
Survival is a far-fetched decimal leaning towards negative infinity.
I need a best friend.
Someone who really cares.
It would truly help.
I listen, or I try to, but never really speak.
I feel abandoned yet suffocated.
My life is so scary.
I have hyped myself so far into success that thinking of failing is my biggest fear.
The anxiety to know if I could once be happy increased both my lust for a future anchoice.d the incentives to end it before it’s not my choice.
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self.depression
|
Can't take it anymore I just wish I could die! I can't take any more physical pain. Every day it feels like a train has ridden over me, I honestly can't get myself to walk to do basic things. The pain spreads to my arms, neck. I am so sick of it.
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self.depression
|
Help? So, I had a conversation with my brother, he said to me “Would you do fashion?”, and I said “No, as I’m not pretty, or a models”, which makes it look like I’m saying you have to be ‘pretty’ to be a model, that’s not what I’m saying, or mean!, I mean modelling people are very strict when it comes to casting, and it is quite frankly fucking disgusting, and if someone isn’t viewed as ‘pretty’, or has the ‘perfect body’, they’re not given the chance to be models, which is wrong!, and needs to change!!, that’s what I was saying!, I believe anyone can be a model!, it’s about you!, no matter your size, it doesn’t matter! :)
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self.Anxiety
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Randoms Thanks T****, Y****** and A****** for a fucking random night out. It was so fucking weird and fun. Jump the fucking garbage bins. 10/10 would do it again next week.
Poor guy told me he has to go to work at 6am.
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self.offmychest
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My mum seems like my enemy. Me and my misses decided we want to get a place together. We started to look and got ourselves a viewing on Friday. It's unrealistic, but we wanna get into the swing of things and let everyone know this is what we want. It'll be my first time moving, as I still live with my mum.
We told my girlfriend's mum first. She had financial worries of her own as a result, but she was supportive and encouraging and we left feeling positive about telling her.
Then I went home. I was nervous about telling my mum because she gets worried and ends up in a horrible mood and it makes me feel shit. Anyway, I told her about the move and she had her financial worries. She told me she is putting herself on for a move because she won't be able to afford the place. She didn't seem supportive at all and instantly began to worry about herself.
We have my friend at mums too, cos he's had a shit time and we're trying to get him back on his feet. He hasn't payed any money yet so I've told him (without mums consent) that my mum isn't happy and wants financial support. Not much from him, as he intends to get enough for his own place. He understands and doesn't want to leave a negative impact.
But my mum has really pissed me off, and it makes me wish I never fucking told her. Not an inch of support. She had her own worries with the finance, put herself in a shit mood and just fucking ignored me and it makes me feel like a horrible person. I just wanted to gain my independance with my love and move forward. Its so upsetting that my mum showed no sign of support while my partner's was happy for us. I wish I said nothing.
Whenever she gets in this mood, she puts on a sour face and barely says a word to me. She rang my sister and spoke to her, but if I try to be caring I just get blanked. As if it's my fault?!
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self.offmychest
|
😐 Soooo, saw Ragnarok and for over a week now my thoughts and things I read are often narrated in Taika Waititi's voice. I subvocalize when I read and type I guess.... It's funny, at least at first, but now it's getting a little old.
All the "little things" my brain used to do are coming back, like a slow tide.
I have another ten days to my Allergist's appointment at the clinic where they won't help. Another ten days of being off medication. At least.
I'm mostly OK. I don't feel good today in terms of stability though.
I'm just a number in an apathetic system, how do I keep fighting to be heard?
I'm afraid nothing will be solved. I'm so tired of being at the mercy of the medical field and my bipolar.
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self.bipolar
|
Something I wrote I will make you feel exhausted and tired all the time
I will make you feel bad for everything
I wont let you interest in anything
I will make you have no friends
I wont let you think straight
I will make you get diseases
I wont let you concetrate
I wont let you feel joy
I wont let you remember
I wont let you sleep
I wont let you eat
I will fear you
I will make you want to die
I will make you change.
"Why...why do you want to live me through hell..? What kind of Monster would do this?"
The Monster answered:
"My name is...Depression."
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self.depression
|
What is the point? I cant do this any more. The thing is I have felt this way since I was so young that I don't know any other way to feel. I don't want to wake up...
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self.SuicideWatch
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How young I look is making it impossible to make friends my age [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I feel like I don't have the right to be upset but... [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Angry messages/emails to misleading or annoying companies I find myself getting very annoyed my manipulative or irritating claims/ommissions of key info from ads or brands I'll see while browsing reddit or instagram, then pointing out what's upset me to them through their contact method. Why does this bother me so much, and why do I find it so hard to resist pointing out how they're being misleading?
e.g. one seemingly credible service had an ad for recieving paypal/amazon cards for doing some browsing/survey work for their market research - they neglected to mention the amounts of these and instead asked to contact them. It's clearly the only information anyone would want to know before moving forwards and they've omitted it, I can see the marketing funnel working now, trying to reduce their bounce rate. very frustrating. I wrote them just to say this technique destroyed their credibility to me.
It's so hard to let these things go. I wonder is this compulsion.
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self.bipolar
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Never just NORMAL. I don't know what normal feels like anymore. I go from depressed and suicidal, to manic and making horrible choices. When I'm depressed everything is shaded in grey. When I'm manic I develop feelings for anyone who helps me and cares or flirts or gives me attention. The depression season is so lonely and when I'm manic it's like coming up for air and I'm starving for attention. This is a problem because I'm married BUT I don't feel supported by him or my family. They saw how depressed I was, he knew I was suicidal and literally said "you'll get through this, you always do." And I fucking did. But now I'm manic. And my mom said she knew I was becoming manic before I ever told her. And I'm over here like why didn't you say or do something? Offer to help? Nothing. I do a lot of damage when I'm manic, but I'm alone in all of this. How am I supposed to manage and contain everything when I'm not even in my right mind?
I think this is a rant, a venting. Just wondered if any of you have felt this, how you deal with it. Also, I'm a mom to a toddler and he has been sick so I've had maybe 3-4 hours of sleep a night and now I'm developing insomnia which is making the mania come on faster. I feel like all these variables are out of my control and since no one wants to help, whatever damage I do shouldn't make me feel guilty. Am I alone in this?
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self.bipolar
|
My friends didn't care after all [x-post with r/depression] I have been upset with my friends recent behaviour of ignoring me and saying Im the one at fault when I panic or felt depressed, so I decided to disappear to see if someone else beside my best friend would notice.
They didn't even bother to see if I was sick or something, only my bff talked with me to see what was wrong. Now I see their pictures, how much fun they may be having while not even caring Im not there. My bff will probably ask them something because of the talk we had, but I know the others only care about her.
I feel so empty, but at least Im not having a panic attack or mopping in my bed, so hey, thats something at least.
But now I dont know what to do...
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self.Anxiety
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Working on bettering myself but need help Some background information:
My lowest points were 2014 and 2015. I was 15 and my family moved to another country, but it wasn't what I expected which led me to stay isolated in my apartment for three years. I was too paranoid the people I met at school would see me active on social media and ask me why I haven't been in school. Which also meant I didn't contact my friends back home for a while.
When I visited home it was during the summer and we could only afford to stay two weeks. I tried to do as much as I could in those two weeks which made everything feel rushed.
In 2016, my last year before moving back home, I was in a long distance relationship, it was going great in the beginning but towards the end I could tell something was different and it led me to become obsessive with his activity on social media. We broke up before I moved back home but I found out my friend, who introduced me to my ex, and him liked each other. It did hurt since he was my first boyfriend and I felt worthless and I didn't deserve love because this was the outcome. I also knew they hung out but she was my best friend and I trusted both of them 100%. I have never felt betrayal like that. I wanted support from my friend group but they weren’t there for me so I lost them as well.
I am friends with another girl who is separate from that friend group and she was all I had when I moved back. When I was living away I felt so homesick but now that I was back I didn’t feel welcomed. This all happened in May of 2017.
Making friends has been difficult, I notice I’ve been having trust issues and I don’t let people get close easily. But I also crave a connection with people. I also feel left out when I see people I know doing stuff without me. Sometimes I get obsessive of other people’s activity on social media and all it does is make me feel worse and I want to stop. I never felt this way before moving so I feel like these are bad habits and patterns I developed while being away.
**Here are my main concerns/tl;dr: I notice myself spacing out a lot and focusing on the past rather than the present, sometimes I check where people are or what they’re doing via social media but it becomes obsessive, I don’t like that I get concerned about other people and care too much about what they think, and I feel like I focus on the negative too much.**
I feel lost but I know I want to be in a better place. The solutions might be simple but my emotions are clouding my judgment. I know this was long but I appreciate any help or advice. Thank you in advance.
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self.depression
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Last resort. Please help. I dont know what to do or where to go. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Inpatient...what to expect I posted on here yesterday about being suicidal and I had some advice to go inpatient. I think I'm going to go Friday afternoon or over the weekend.
What can I expect? Everything from what to pack to what goes on to what it's like when you leave. Everything. Food, boredom, weekends vs weekdays, cell phones, communication, visitors. How long are typical stays? What's the intake process like? I know nothing.... I'm thinking of going Friday after school. I have someone willing to drive me there and take me home. I live alone and I have no family around.
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self.bipolar
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More Trouble Than I'm Worth Without going into much detail, here's a little context:
Happily (as much as BPD allows) married to a wonderful man, and we have a beautiful, brilliant toddler. They're so good to/for me - I often feel undeserving.
I've been in a depressive episode for almost 2 months - med compliant, have been for 3 years.
Lately, I've been fucking up little, typical people things; scratched the car, got scammed out of $300, letting food go bad in the fridge... They're hitting my self-worth hard for no other reason than my low threshold for disappointment and my high expectations of myself.
The latest thing is a creepy message left on my front door on Valentine's Day saying they saw me in the area and wanted to leave their number/Facebook in case they never saw me again.... WTF. Of course my husband is pissed, and I feel like my privacy has been 100% violated. Husband is SO upset that he has a hard time seeing how this affects me - but besides that, I feel like I'm way more trouble than I'm worth.
My constant emotional turmoil, the fatigue, prescription drug costs, migraines that make me worthless for hours.
I feel like I should just be alone. Like the people I love shouldn't be subjected to my bullshit and have to clean up my messes or pay my debt when I die (just got denied life insurance for BPD diagnosis).
I have a lot of supportive people in my life, family, friends, therapist. Regardless, I can't shake this worthlessness, self-loathing guilt.
Thanks for reading if you do, just having a rough... life right now. I know this probably sounds whiny - I have an objectively great life that I've worked hard for. Why do I still feel so shitty?
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self.bipolar
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I really need some body to talk to I'm very depressed and having a nervous breakdown I'm very depressed and thinking bout cutting myself I have nobody to open up to I try and talk to my boyfriend but all he dose is throw the past inu face and makes feel little bout my self .I r
Really wish I was dead .... he acts like I don't exist to him .them I get to watch him be so good to everyone else it hurts so bad he acts like I can't do anything right. I dk what to do....
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self.depression
|
tired of being lied to I just want someone to care about me for me for once in my life. and no I don't want to hear "oh I care about you random internet person who I've never met".
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self.depression
|
Living with this for too long Every time I see someone's teeth, my mood instantly swings. My teeth are disgusting, I'm ashamed and embarrassed of them. I'm 19 years old, and my teeth have looked disgusting for 5 years now. I'm missing a front tooth, another front tooth has a temporary filling from a root canal 2 months ago, another front tooth is broken in half, and a canine front tooth that's half decayed. I need 7 root canals, 2 teeth removed(probably more at this point) in addition to the 3 I've already had removed, and countless fillings.
I've tried to get them fixed. I've tried a dental school, I've tried medicaid. I'm not even eligible for medicaid anymore. I need over 10000 dollars in work that I can't afford. I look pathetic. I've never had a girlfriend and I know I won't have one soon with how fucked up I am.
I just want my teeth fixed. That's all I've wanted for years. My parents can't help me, I can't take out a loan. All I can do is sit in my room all day thinking about how fucked up my teeth are and how I know they aren't getting fixed soon.
People keep telling me that "It'll get better soon", and I believed that, but I can't anymore. I've been like this for 5 years, why should I expect it to get better anytime soon? In fact, It'll get worse. My teeth are decaying so fast that by the time I can find a way to get them fixed, I won't have any teeth left to fix.
I fucking hate this. I fucking hate life, and I hate that I look like a pathetic idiot. I can't stand anymore of it. I just want to die already, I don't want to live any longer if I have to constantly be embarrassed by the way my teeth look.
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self.depression
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Done. Fuck man. This will hopefully be my magnum opus, the culmination of everything I’ve ever learned and every experience that has ever shaped the meaningless clusterfuck that was my life. I’m a rational person, and I’m self aware to the point where I recognise that this is stupid, selfish and if I gave myself a chance, I would probably talk myself out of it; no good can come of this. I’m aware - it’s like Macbeth capitulating to the hallucination of a dagger, a projection of his demons, despite his better judgement. But, in the vein of Macbeth, at this point I’m feeling like my life is a tale told by an idiot, full of sound and fury, signifying nothing. Anyway, formalities and engaging start aside, I’m fucking done. I’ve got nothing to contribute, nothing to amount to and I mean nothing to anyone. We are all the same, nobody is special and you’re delusional if you think you are. People are expendable and interchangeable. This kind of cynicism and nihilism unfortunately is largely irreversible, and I only wish that sweet ignorance could shield me from the fact that everything is devoid of fucking meaning. What’s the point? There was a time when I was gregarious and outgoing, maintaining a large social support network of people I genuinely felt like I cared about and equally felt this was reciprocated, then she came along. That bitch. To see her with him is the literal equivalent of the suffering of Prometheus, every fucking day his fucking liver is eaten by a bird, yet this is inevitable and inescapable. It’s like I have this romanticised image of suicide and the tragedy of it, and in my crazed ducking delirium I’m still coherent enough to write this shit. And for what? One fucking person will read it and then act like they give a shit, say the same generic shit and send me on my merry way. She's not even that fucking hot. And with that, I’ll go wallow in my self pity and hopelessness and go out with the knowledge that I might make the local paper, some cunt will say it’s tragic, and the pale blue dot will fucking go on. We are but a pale blue dot suspended across the backdrop of vast expanses of the unknown, inherently afraid of what exists outside our literal and figurative sphere, driven only by naked self interest, self corruptive and destructive by nature and ultimately still bound to our survival instincts and nothing else. Life will go on, beautiful people of r/suicide_watch, I will be forgotten. My writing has begun to resemble the ramblings of a madman, which I probably am, so I’ll leave it at that. I’d like to thing I’m ready but I’m not, because I am human, and we don’t realise how pathetic we are.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I've been lost for a long time. I guess this downfall kinda started back in February when my ex-girlfriend and I broke up. It came super sudden after a couple of amazing months being together.
her mental health issues came back and she didn't want to hurt me by not being under control of what she did. Since then I guess my own mental health issues have come up. I can't sleep properly, my anxiety is through the roof most of the time and I'm super lonely.
We've stayed close friends over this time, she's moved across the country for school and we talk maybe once or twice a week to catch up with one another. She's doing great which makes me happy, but damn do I miss her.
I think about her every day which is kinda weird or creepy I guess, I still love her and if she ever wanted to get back together I would in a heartbeat.
She talks about how she has these two guy friends that she met on tinder a couple weeks after moving and she promises to me that they're just friends but the way she posts about them and talks about them makes it feel like she's trying to hide the truth that she's dating one of them.
I've been on a couple of dates since we've broken up but none of them went anywhere. Which is cool but with all the spare time I have between work and not being out with friends do I ever dive down into that slump of sadness. She was literally the girl of my dreams, everything I ever wanted and then some and I guess what's really getting me is that I'm so down her list of priorities now that I feel like she's just trying to be my friend so she doesn't hurt me anymore.
No one in my family knows how depressed I am about this, they think I moved on fairly quickly and that I'm just lazy when in all reality it's just a lot easier to sleep and be in my room than spend time with them.
I hate this state that I'm in, I can't be happy when I'm by myself. My friends can only be there for me so many times, they need a life too but god fucking damn it am I scared it's never going to get better.
For the last month, i've thought how nice it would be if I didn't exist. I don't want to die or I'd never hurt myself but damn does it sound good some days.
No one knows how bad i'm doing. She doesn't, my family doesn't, my friends know a little bit but they don't think I'm doing half as bad as I really am and I just kinda needed to let this out.
I can't sleep without getting high, I get super frustrated with myself. Like I said, I'm just super lost and I don't know what to do anymore.
If by chance one of my reddit friends see this, I'm okay. I am, just kinda mentally not in it anymore. I'm not going to do anything, I'm just scared.
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self.offmychest
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İ want to commit suicide but... İ want to commit suicide but i fear ended in a silent hill like place...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
why do I feel so hot tired / like I'm going to faint [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
My friends are better than me at everything Like, I’m really not better than them at anything, *anything*
I know what you’re thinking… “it’s not about that!” “be yourself!” “do what you love!”
Well when there are girls involved, I start to like these girls for who they are. I feel a connection, they see me as a friend too.
Even though my friends have girlfriends, the girls still want them.
I get it, why wouldn’t they want the more superior guy? I know I would. I know it’s not their fault.
I can’t do what I love, I had to start working full time and I’m starting school. Yes, I’m going back to school because I don’t see how my current job with thousands of workers like me will allow me to build a life long career out of it. Unless I get something else like school to come along to build something, I’m staying in school.
I dunno, sometimes I just wanna die, you know?
I feel like I’m not wanted nor needed, if I died friends and family would be sad and hate themselves for not being there. But what would being there for me solve?
I would just feel like a party pooper.
I have 8 siblings, they’re all fully related, I’m the only half.
My dad had 2 son’s and 2 daughters with a different woman, and my mom had 4 daughters with a different man.
I’m just me, fuckin’ me.
They’re all the same in one way or another, I’m like a fuckin outcast like Aquaman (except I’m not sexy, talk to fish, etc)
I don’t know what to do, I’m stressed out.
My friends have been getting irritated with me, staying with them.
My siblings will always have family at least to stay with, at least they have that.
Honestly, though. I’m not good at anything, I’m really not.
At most I’m average, and I know you’ll say “but that’s ok!”
I know that it *could* be
But the things I’m average at, I don’t have time for anymore with work…and school coming up
My friends are talking about live-streaming, I’m just here like “yea that’d be fun”
Probably gonna take a lyft out to the city, walk around with music.
Maybe if I have the balls I’ll kill my self, at this point I don’t care if I go to Hell for killing my self. Maybe God can understand
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Guys/girls, I need your support. Heart warming stories and examples needed! [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Have you helped (or worsened) your depression by changing your job? I have a face to face customer service job and it takes a lot for me to be as friendly and caring as i should be, especially when they're rude, but even when they are lovely. Ive gotten myself, over about a decade, to a place where i can actually get up and go to work and talk to colleagues but when you are feeling so shit and low and worthless inside it can be very hard and emotionally draining to "serve" customers and pretend to care about their "experience".
I am thinking to get a mundane job that does not involve customers, like in a warehouse or office or something so that I at least have one less daily struggle. Has anybody else done or considered any type of job change due to their depression? How did it work out? Did it help or hinder or make no difference? Thanks for reading.
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self.depression
|
Moneymoneymoneymoneymoneymo It's all about the fucking money. Working 8 hours a day just to barely afford food and a place to sleep. Not even your own home, no, you're spending most of your income BORROWING someone else's home where you have to ask permission to put up a fucking picture on the wall. Almost the entirety of the remaining earnings go to things you're forced to pay, else you go to jail. I congratulate anyone who's okay or even likes that sort of life, but hell it's not for me. And pills or talking about my wee feelings won't change that. Considering the only other alternative is living in the damn woods, I want to die.
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self.depression
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Someone stole my hubcaps today... or did they? WOW, SUCH GASLIGHT. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I’m really scared. I don’t see any other options besides suicide. I need it all to stop, I can’t do the pain anymore I feel so worthless, I feel like a burden.
There is no more help, I got it all. There is no friends to contact, I lost them all because I’m so down all the time.
I tried to make things better. I’ve been on medication for two months.
I was in hospital for a few weeks.
I just need to die, I’m scared to die, scared to try and attempt again but I have to - I have no other options - I am a problem
I just cry and cry and cry thinking about how horrible everything is, how disgusting I am and how it’ll be better for everyone if I just do it.
People would be so relieved - I don’t want to feel anything anymore, I don’t want to live, I want to stop existing.
Is it okay for me to commit suicide? Everyone I ask says I can’t or shouldn’t, but can someone please tell me it’ll be alright - That I’m not bad person for ending it?
Please someone help me I am unable to do this anymore.
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self.depression
|
Advice on working out for the first time after panic attacks? My mom, dad, sister and I are going to the gym as a family tomorrow. This was planned weeks ago and I am thrilled to be doing this. We're all out of shape, it will be non judgemental and a first time for my dad. Plus the gym is an awesome one with great people.
However, last week my panic attacks went on for four days until we got me proper meds. I had racing heart and the inability to eat. I was constantly nauseous with stomach pains. I went to the ER and even got blood work. It all checked out, and I am stable on the meds now.
My fear is that, despite enjoying working out (haven't done it in months due to being unable to afford a gym), when my heart rate goes up my body will panic again. I am terrified of having a panic attack at the gym or not enjoying being there. My dad will think it's for attention and mom will be annoyed. I am determined to go with an open mind, but I want to be prepared too.
TL;DR: Exercise is good for those with anxiety and depression, and I want to do this badly, so how can I prep myself after what has happened to me?
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self.Anxiety
|
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