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Contemplation When everything is running through you head and your thinking about everything, when you are in a tough position don't feel like fighting for anything at all, u think about family? Think about friends?
Nah I'm going through this this is my problem why drag them into this I caused this, then I click it's not that bad easily sorted, but why why do I want this,
I'm here with my mind who do I have to call a lot of people that I am thankful for and yes selfish as anything but why don't I? Because why would I want to drag them down? Why would drag them into something that isn't there problem
Who do I actually have to talk to when u actually have no body when u actually get to this stage nobody at all names come to mind but why would I call them are they going to help me? Maybe, are they going to take their valuable time to sit there? Probably not so why why?
I'm here on my last straw nobody and lonely why not call somebody? Because I don't feel like it's worth it, many feel like depression and all that is either selfish or made up or a game to guilt people no, or think yeah he has a job a home a family and people around him what would be wrong with him I see him smiling he must be happy or when I feel like this I must be seeking attention!
I view things from an outsider I know how the I'm feeling or what I may do may effect other and that's kept me strong, I can't i need to do me I don't want this
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self.depression
|
Rather feel empty I'd rather feel empty than feel all this crushing loneliness, sadness, aching and terror. Fuck feelings.
But the grass is always greener on the other side, I guess.
|
self.depression
|
I genuinely don’t want to be alive anymore. I have no major life problems. I just hate myself and hate life and I feel like there’s no purpose to anything and I don’t want to do it anymore. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
At the rate I'm going through life I'll probaly suicide before 30 [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Why do people want to stop suicide? Like, isn't it our choice to stop living this shitty life? When the only thing you do is suffer and nothing helps, nothing gets better, why would people try to tell anyone to keep suffer here? I dont get it.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I tried to make myself better but I made myself worse I downloaded an app that tracks my calorie intake based on my height and current weight. It made me realize how much I was overeating, especially when my depression was at its worst. After a while I was doing better. I was feeling better, I started losing weight. Then I realized I was taking it too far. Now I hardly eat, especially when my depression is at its worst. Food disgusts me and the only reason I eat anything is because if I don't my mom will notice and it'll put her under more stress and I've already caused her enough stress and heartache for one lifetime.
Now I feel like a failure. I went from one extreme to another. Why can't I just make myself better? Why can't I be like a normal person?
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self.depression
|
i feel so alone no one would care if i died
|
self.depression
|
Falling back into it I'm 16, and this weekend, I got into a big argument with my girlfriend of 7 months. We hadn't seen each other in 2 weeks, and our plans to see each other fell through. I tried to save our plans, but she seemed disinterested. I was so distraught and caught up in sadness and self-hatred that I, wanting to distance myself from the situation, not just leaving it alone, told her I wanted to break up with her out of sheer emotional irrationality. It turns out I was sadder without her, and she reached out to me to talk soon later. We got back together, and she said she was okay. The way she described the whole situation let me know she understood my plight completely, but I ruined her that day and she's been off ever since. She painted her nails black, screamed at her parents, texted all her friends to tell them how much of a terrible person I was, wrote "Anon is a piece of shit cunt" in her bathroom mirror in sharpie, and cried all day from the story she told.
I've fallen into a depression of guilt to a magnitude that I haven't experienced since I was a self-loathing near-friendless 7th grader with pent up emotions drowning it all out with video games while tanking his grades, watching the few distant friends get reward after reward, trophy after trophy.
I feel like I'm a piece of shit that doesn't deserve to breathe the air on this earth, and I don't know what to do. My parents are very unsympathetic and judgmental and my brother is borderline abusive. My girlfriend is the only one left who understands me. At this point, it's just me who has the problem, as she's gotten over the whole debacle, or so she says. Her mom even said "ehh, you two were just stressed out teenagers", but I'm still not convinced. I feel like there's something deeply wrong with me. Is there any advice or words of wisdom that I need to hear? I want to get back to normal. I don't know how I'll deal with feeling completely alone again and losing the people close to me emotionally.
|
self.depression
|
An open letter to a (former) idol of mine, Jesse Lacey [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Concern for 38 yo brother. Depressed, not working for 4 years, living off parents, but doing poorly. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
How the fuck are you supposed to get a job? Can't commute out of town.
Can't talk to people.
No experience, no marketable skills, no personality, no confidence.
|
self.Anxiety
|
with the flip of a switch You know exactly when your brain flips that switch into that terrible-great Mania, right? I'm pretty sure that I realize I've gone manic only when I know everything's TOO good. But it's shitty at the same time if that makes sense.
Story time (feel free to skip): This past week I went from writing a detailed suicide letter, to feeling unstoppable, motivated, and like the coolest b on campus. The letter had a section dedicated to those who know me, and those who don't. The only way to describe the way I felt before the mania creeped up was just a numb, indescribable feeling. Not necessarily depressed or happy. I stopped feeling depressed after sobbing. I didn't really feel anything. Not to the point that it was visible in my facial expressions, but definitely consuming every thought. Anyway, Friday night, dude I've been crushing on for a year drunk texted me and I went over and had some drinks. Got drunk, got rejected for 3rd time (?), so I went home, cried about my romantic relations and how it never seems to work out with anyone, blah blah. Next night- hooked up with another dude knowing that meaningless sex is shitty to me now anyway.
Back to school Monday, feeling great, but terrible about myself for not thinking about how terrible I feel about that. Hook ups are normal and all, but it's just not me and not the girl I was. Not the girl I know I used to be. Then, it's like the whole world just lit up because I told myself I'm great and I don't need anyone! Rejection? Ha, I don't care. Time to focus on me. Time to get back on track because my room's so messy I can't even walk through it! Time to take care of academics! I haven't shown up to class in over a month. Mostly because I'm scared of what people in those classes will think when they see a face they only saw for the first week of class! Oh, she's back? What a deadbeat. But it's okay, because I'll make it work and focus on me and ace these classes! How can I go to class when I can't even concentrate at Walmart trying to buy groceries? Exactly, none of their business!! So, I'm back. I was only coming back to campus because I'm a leader of an organization. Man, the kids have no idea who I am or what goes on in my head behind closed doors. I came back... and it's like when I go manic, everyone can see it by just looking at my face. They look into my huge, deceiving bug eyes. Of course, it's not anything they put much thought into. I just get more compliments, more attention from guys, everyone approaches me more than usual, and I'm an unstoppable social butterfly.
- Wait, but sometimes I'm an awkward human being that hates social interaction to some degree. A loner who really enjoys alone time, and kind of dislikes being with others.
Yesterday, I was motivated to seek therapy. I later made a journal dedicated to recovery. I sought out self help resources online, planned out my week, wrote out a work out plan and reminders to eat healthy. My organization skills suddenly became great and I had a million tasks flying through my brain that I've had to do for over a month. Now I had the energy and motivation to do it. Determined to get to the root of it. Determined to wake up early, I tried to get to bed by midnight. Took my meds before then, washed my face, and got to bed. Music sounded too good. I could hear every single part in each song. Every instrument and noise. I was there laying in bed, and then deleted all my social media apps, because I started to think about my childhood and how great it was. How annoying it is to see people complain about relationships and post things that don't benefit me at all. I can't socialize like the others sometimes, it all just annoys me.
But I felt good about it! A little break will be fine, and will even help while I go through recovery. But then I was in bed, and flashbacks from my hook up appeared in my head, and I went from getting really horny and wanting to seek a hook up again, to getting mad at myself and feeling disgusted. Thinking about how that's only gotten me in trouble socially, and how it's made me feel gross about myself. I started getting frustrated with myself, sat up, and then I realized that all of these thoughts were racing through my mind like there's no tomorrow. Tried to relax and go back to bed, but my eyes were wide open, and I started jamming out to music. So entertaining listening to music. Like when it all sounds AMAZING and it has you dancing and bobbing your head to the beat and you start smiling. Even broke out into a laugh because it was so fun.
So ya, here I am at 4:30 AM and I'm bright eyed as hell. So when do YOU know when you're TOO happy?
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self.bipolar
|
I have to leave my best friend and only friend (same for her) because I'm moving. How do i tell her? I'm moving and I have a friend that is dependent on me to live. I've begged and cried for my parents not to move. If I'm not there for her, she'll kill herself. Please help.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I would prefer to have nightmares I don't know why, but I dreamt I was walking through a city that had thin buildings and a lot of unusual debris. I don't think I was there very long when I saw a woman ahead of me who didn't look like anyone I ever met, but dreams are stupid and after a moment or two she turned into you, and I was relieved to see that you were okay.
I know you can "take care of yourself" but your asshole ex-husband did try to murder you, right before you disappeared forever, and I never loved anybody near as much as you.
I hope you ARE happy, and alive.
I woke up feeling surprisingly good, even if it was "just a dream" ...but as the day went on, it also reminded me that I probably won't ever get to see you in real life again.
I, honestly, would have preferred to have had nightmares. Those are only unsettling for a little while. They don't leave you weeping for hours, years after the actual bloodbath.
I really really really really did love you.
|
self.offmychest
|
Is it safe to tell my therapist I'm suicidal? After reading several horror stories where someone told their therapist they were suicidal and got put into forced hospitalization (and sometimes locked up in a 1950s-esque psychiatric ward), I don't know whether it's safe to tell my therapist I want to kill myself. I don't have thousands of dollars for hospitalization bills, especially forced ones. This kind of thing seems like it'd be on a permanent criminal record and prevent me from getting any kind of job besides minimum-wage retail. I'm afraid they'll overreact and throw me into the system to get chewed up and spit out with paperwork, poor treatment and unrecoverable debt. Is it ever safe to tell your therapist this kind of thing?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
You're moving away and we only just got close. My friend and I were being stupid, pointing out people we found attractive. You happened to walk past us, I remember saying that I wished I had the balls to go talk to you.
You happened to be a friend of an acquaintance, she soon became a good friend and business partner. You started helping out with the business as well.
We laughed and chatted, it went on for months. Then you said you were going back to your home country. Your room was for rent once you left, so I'll be moving in next week.
Over the last few weeks we've gotten to know each other very well. I'll be caring for your pet snakes until you can afford to take them home. But you decided to gift one of them to me, she's such a stunning noodle.
We both needed a drinking buddy. Hell, over the last 3 weeks we've drank 4 bottles of whisky, god knows how much wine, and a bottle of baileys. We've played shitty card games, and talked about your country. I've always wanted to visit since I actually dream of moving there one day.
We're going to go camping in the spring and summer. You're coming back to visit every few months.
When you hugged me this morning I wanted to cry. I'll miss you and now I won't see you until March. You said we'll Skype, that you'll send me a Nintendo switch so we can play together. I demanded that you send sweets I've never heard of, you said that you'll also send me whisky and tobacco.
I'll tell you eventually, I don't want to regret it forever. I would have said something sooner but before I started to have these feelings I agreed to the house rule of "don't fuck friends or their friends".
Maybe I'll tell the housemate and amazing friend first, it's because of her that I met you.
I plan on learning some of your native language and telling you in that.
Everyone says you're an idiot who can only think with their dick, but I don't believe that at all. You got upset hearing some of the things that were said about you.
So, until I see you again - Skål, jag kommer att sakna dig.
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self.offmychest
|
I had a panic attack at work tonight I broke down and sat in the bathroom for 30 minutes. I told my boss I hated working here and I was looking for another job. It's only a matter of time before they find a reason to fire me. I am clinically diagnosed with anxiety, depression, PTSD, and bipolar II. We have an EAP program that is free, but I have a psychiatrist that I see. I have seen so many shrinks and therapists in the past, none of them help. "But you seem fine! Like you have it all together." The doctor I see now is a joke. He's about 145 years old and says, "But we all have problems. You need to learn how to accept them and deal with them." No. Fucking. Shit. Sure, let me just go take a walk, or a hot bath, or jog in place. Then maybe I'll see butterflies and rainbows and the world will be cheery again. What the absolute fuck is wrong with these people? I wish they would legalize lebotomies again.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I am begging for help. I am sitting here in a blind rage.
I do not have depression, but my daughter does. Its such a foreign concept to me. I understand the science behind it. I understand the chemical imbalance of it. But I just cant understand the actual depression.
I am not an angry person, but for the life of me I can not understand just "not being sad". I am really trying here but this is causing so much strain on my relationship at home.
I really need advice as the caregiver on how to deal with this. How do I as someone who can just not be sad deal with the fact that simple acts ... like getting out of bed... are hard for her.
1, she is medicated
2, she is going to a therapist
3, they have changed her meds ALOT over the last year trying to find balance.
Please help me.
|
self.depression
|
groin/prostate cramp Hey guys, first time i'm posting on this subreddit (or any anxiety-related page for that matter). I'm a 23-year old male diagnosed with GAD. Lately my mind has been occupied with the pelvic area, since i suddenly developed an urge to urinate, accompanied by a pressure in the bladder. I did tons of daily research without finding much reassurance from forum/discussion sites, which in itself made my anxiety go trough the roof, since this type of identification is usually where i find relief and helpfulness (the reason why i'm on this subreddit right now, lol). The symptoms have since become an on/off type of thing, which assures me that this is plain, good ol' anxiety. Today i got out of bed, and as soon as i woke up, i experienced a spasm in my groin/prostate area, that feels like the twitch you would normally get in your arm, leg etc., only this time in "that" area. It hasn't stopped since, and the lack of info only makes it worse. Basically, i just wanted to know if anyone else have experienced this type of thing? The fact that it's in the groin/prostate area, makes me suuuper anxious, and my occupied mind towards it only increases, as well as my state of panic. Have a lovely day
|
self.Anxiety
|
Little bitter Took a hole bottle of tylone and what was left in the aspirin bottle I took all them pills and then layed on my bed waiting for death I was awake and then I would shut my eyes and wake back up on and off about 6hours go's by I start to puke it was pure white when it came out I puke till I couldn't breath no more every little sip I took it came back up couldn't eat anything I layed in bed for 4 days till I went to the hospital the whites in my eyes were yellow I was pale white weak I didn't tell the doctor I had took all these pill they couldn't understand why my liver was inflamed a week went by in the hospital till I was let go they ran all kinds of test took blood two times a day so the doctor tells me I shouldn't drink any beer wine or whiskey for a couple months I say scared to death the doctors would find out. I tried my best to explain this experience.life's crazy I should have died that day 2 months after that happened is was in a car reck mashed my legs I lied in a coma for a week I was told I was grey I didn't see no light but I'm shore I wasn't far from it lucky I was still able to walk after 6months of learning how to walk again what im getting at is I've been really close to death and it's no fun great experience but not a fun one
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Life sucks, although I keep trying to go along with it. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Is it normal to feel this way? I’ve noticed that I have almost no emotion or desire for human contact anymore. I don’t want to make friends, talk to family or meet new people because I don’t feel the need. As for emotions, I still experience them, but they’re so intermittent and weak that I might as well not have them. I haven’t lost my emotions because I’m a bad person or anything, it’s just that I lost the ability to feel at some point in my life. Is this normal?
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self.depression
|
Hangover anxiety. Anyone else feel EXTREMELY anxious the day after a heavy drink? Like I feel like when I’m hungover my anxious is at its peakest. Not even just being anxious, feel like I’m going f***ing crazy in my mind. The craziest mood swings.. can go from being so anxious to feeling fine for couple mins, then bam extremely anxious and feel weird.
Getting to the point where I don’t wanna drink anymore.
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self.depression
|
Constant waves of anxiety I feel like it just doesn't let up. It gets far worse in social situations, but even when I'm by myself it feels like I'm under constant attack. Usually what helps is I lie down and let the anxiety attack just happen, try not to think too must and feed the beast. But I feel like it never ends - one ends and then a few hours latter another one comes on.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Overpowering urge to check into a motel and slit my throat [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
Why? Why do some people appreciate the rain but I just see puddles like Nothing's changed?
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self.depression
|
Worrying about getting cancer? I'm 19 and have recently been worrying a lot about getting cancer. I'll go through these stages where I'll worry horribly about different things, some reasonable, some ridiculous. Recently, it's been about getting cancer. It's got to the point where I'm checking my body for lumps every hour. I'll look at symptoms online and convince myself that I've ben having that symptom. Any minuscule lump or bump is cancer to my brain. Is this worry common? How do I deal with this?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Taking (prescribed) drugs to go to sleep because depression keeps you up is the worst Like, it’s good. Otherwise I’d be up half the night thinking about how awful everything is. It just feels wrong, almost like I’m self medicating. I don’t want to have to take meds to sleep. Taking antidepressants in the hopes to make me happy never bothered me, taking seroquel to stay asleep all night never bothered me, but something about taking them to get to sleep and not taking them when I’m tired or when it’s best for when I need to get up just feels wrong. I feel like it’s not going to put me to sleep at the same time right now which is odd. I haven’t been on it for a week and I’m already worried about it working less in the sleep department, and I don’t know if it’s helped with my mood at all (been only almost a week though). It scares me that my brain just isn’t effected by anything to do with drugs meant to be antidepressants for me.
The little cherry on top is that I’ve started using Daylio and I can’t help but to look at how long I’ve been depressed (12 days, which definitely isn’t the longest or abnormal for me). Sometimes I wish I could pull the line down a bit more because it’s like I just feel worse everyday. I’d think about stopping Daylio, but it helps figure out how my moods work a bit more sometimes, and it’ll be even more valuable in that aspect when I’m back in college in a calm and (surprisingly) quiet environment.
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self.bipolar
|
I am not sure for how long I can hold it. I haven't attempted to suicide for last 2 years. These past 3-4 months are intolerable and are exhausting me. My sleep schedule is continuously changing, I have nightmares every time I sleep, even if I wake up and fall back asleep I will have bad dreams. The thoughts of taking any pills/any method are constantly absorbing me. I haven't tried anything yet, I am too exhausted to even try. I haven't left my home in 2 years. I m losing it again, my brain is like fishing for methods to die. I need help. I can't leave my home to visit a therapist and no therapist will come to me to help me.
My parents are in fight constantly, I am 19 and I can't remember when they just 'talked' with each other without bullying the other. They need to get divorce but they won't. My dad helps me, takes care while my mom does it too but she has own psychological problems which cause her to be paranoid about everything and i sometimes can't tolerate her. I love them both but I can't keep picking sides every other day while living under the same roof.
I have no friends, I have ceased all my contact to them. I am basically watching TV series,movies all day(10-16hours/day) for 2 years to get me out of my world. Whenever I realise the reality I am living in, I want to kill myself. That's why I keep watching on internet so I won't do that. It makes me forget about myself but I don't know for how much longer I can keep that. Trust me, being at home, watching TV all day while your parents work for you while you leech off them isn't as it may seem. I have few personality disorders like social anxiety, OCD,etc from Cluster B and C(I had professional help 2 years ago). I was basically a very ambitious person getting staright A's(always 90+%) right through 11th, I dropped out on 12th grade due to depression. I somehow completed high school through open schooling but that's it, I can't go to college and have a proper work life like every other person. I lost all my ambition, hope, motivation to live. Now I am like a parasite trying to leech off life wherever possible (only if I live). Please don't tell me go out, make some friends, etc. I can't and I don't want to. I just want it to stop. JUST STOP
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How to power through second thoughts? I have failed out of 3 colleges because of anxiety/depression ect. After I failed the third, I decided to take a break and start focusing on my recovery. I've made amazing progress and lately I've been thinking of trying to go back to school. I finally feel ready to do it. I found programs and online schools that interest me and started some applications. But now, as I'm laying in bed, my brain is doing that thing where is gives me all these reasons I shouldn't do it. All these reasons are unrealistic or are solvable issues but my anxiety is just partly afraid of going back that it's trying to sabotage me.
I know even if I don't follow the career path I go to school for, a degree in anything is better than me not going to school at all. It's just an associates so not too long or hard. I want to do this but I need coping advice for when my anxiety tries to talk me out of it.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Feeling suicidal. I accidentally killed my pet budgie and it happened right in front of me it was traumatic and still haunts me, he was kicking, died in pain and it was all my fault. The scene still haunts me to this day and sometimes I dream about it. I cried for 3 days in a row because of it I also started skipping classes afterwards and exams and now am basically failing college. I also have social anxiety and pretty much have no friends and spend most of my time alone which is pretty sad and boring. I've been going through depression because of all that shit for nearly two months now. My entire family also pretty much hates me and treats me like shit. So why am I still living, if am such a big failure, if no one really cares about me, my life is pretty lonely and boring. I have no friends, I have no life and I have no future. I feel so tired, I feel like am done with life I just wanna rest. I've been thinking about drinking all the pills around the house, even if their effect was weak, they'll probably cause my kidneys to fail.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Everyone thinks about me I understand how irrational it is to believe or even consider that every pair of eyes you meet has a mind behind them that's focused on all the things you're insecure about... but my entire conscious existence has been plagued with that fear. They think I'm stupid. They think I'm average. They think I'm weak. They think I'm inferior. They wonder why I'm even here.
|
self.Anxiety
|
My dr took me off my meds because I'm pregnant. It's starting to get really hard. I took 100mg of Zoloft and 150mg of Wellbutrin to help control my anxiety and depression. My doctor took me off of them a week ago and I feel like I'm reverting back to how I was before I was medicated.
I snapped at my boss today (which normally wouldn't happen because my boss is great). Driving is making me really anxious again. I had to nap after getting off of work because I was so angry and irritated I just didn't know what else to do to calm down. And, the biggest thing, my harmful thoughts are creeping up again.
Is there any "safer" medication that could work until after my pregnancy? Or do you guys have any exercises I could try to self soothe?
This really sucks. I was doing great with my meds but for now I can't use them. I don't know if I can go 8 more months like this.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Sleep Issues Hey Reddit. I need help. I had a bad mini breakdown about 3 months ago due to information overload from work and things I was trying to achieve in my personal life. I was addicted to video games spending 8-10 hours a day gaming. When I had my event I had 5 nights of little sleep which was triggered by taking a monster energy at 7pm. The last 3 months have been rough. I was depressed and had bad anxiety. I found myself lying in bed thinking about everything and sometimes like right now (3am) I still do. I'm in a bad work situation still in the military that I'm trying to get out of. Can anyone help me? I feel tired enough to sleep at bedtime but then if I don't fall asleep I feel wide awake the rest of the night. I have gotten the sleep anxiety mostly under control but I still have issues falling asleep. Normally it's about 1am when I drift of. This is the first night in over a month where I have gotten like 1 hour sleep.
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self.Anxiety
|
anyone else having a problem with little to nonexistent curiosity? How long has it been since you were genuinely interested in something, other than: 1. escaping anxiety, 2. fixing yourself?
I'm sitting here, playing the same decade old game on my gamecube for the 50th time, not having fun, and thinking... what the hell am I doooooing.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Back to work after a week off And instead of enjoying the break, I want to be here less.
I had maybe one hour of reflection all week where I felt grateful for this job. Grateful to be making $30k out of college.
But then I fell asleep and was back it by morning. How working full time @ 24 won't allow me to survive on my own.
Who am I kidding...making more money wouldn't let me survive on my own cause I'd still be depressed. Unable to adult and pay bills or do groceries or fix my house up.
|
self.depression
|
Self medicating with energy drinks. I've found that if I keep my energy up, my other depressive symptoms will go away, if they're not too severe that day. My drug of choice is Red Bull. Coffee can do the same if it's strong enough. None of this Starbucks Frappachino bullshit. Those are delicious, but do as much as water. Has anyone else found similar results from raising energy levels?
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self.depression
|
Might be losing my grip I'll try to keep this short.
The past year has been a slow decline into a pretty horrible depressive episode. Total emptiness like I've never experienced before. And this looming feeling of dread while I force myself to do things like go to work (I love my job). Messed up thing is, I have no reason to be depressed. I have a beautiful home, a beautiful girlfriend who i plan on marrying, supportive family, and a job that I'm passionate about and pays well enough that I can afford a decent life. So, that makes it worse. Why should I be so upset when there are people around the world who would give anything just to have a bed or water? Just the basics? What the hell is wrong with me?
I work in an industry that's not super receptive to sensitivity, mental illness, stuff like that. It's a tough guy industry, where we pretend pain doesn't bother us, "imma just tough it out, I ain't no pussy." That type of thing. We work at great heights, use dangerous equipment, drive big trucks etc. There's no time for feelings when you've got money to make, work orders to complete. Y'all get the picture.
I've taken so many sick days this year because of my worsening depression. My depression makes me feel physically ill enough that I can't go to work - im afraid I'll hurt someone, damage something, or hurt myself accidently.
TL;DR I'm depressed and it's becoming harder and harder to go to work. I keep calling in sick. It sucks and I think my life is beginning to fall apart.
My question is: is there anyway I can take a leave of absence or maybe short term disability to have time to deal with my depression? How do you even approach a manager or superior with such an embarrassing question? The idea is so humiliating and I'm terrified of what my co workers and bosses will think.
Any advice or kind words would be really helpful right now. Thank you for listening to my dumb first world problems.
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self.depression
|
turns out porn is whats killing me i find i cant watch porn anymore all it does is make me depressed knowing i never had anyone to love or show my love to. its sucks, i wish i had a girlfriend to love, to feel that im not alone and is their to have support, im in grade 10, and 17. every girl i have ever asked out turned me down, i dont understand why, im not bad looking, im friendly, im creative guy with big dreams, chill, and im original from the guys at my school all they do is dress like fuckboys and treat their girlfriends like shit. 3 girls asked me out this year but i had to turn them all down, one girl does heroin and crystal meth, fighter, and Breggs to me about fucking a guy for her meth, the second one is the same deal, loves meth and heroin but this one begged to me she fucked 2 guys for her heroin. the last one is a psycho, she's abusive violent and has a blood fetish. when i go and watch girls on chatturbate i feel better, i can interact with the cammers and it makes me feel something, but when im done i realize i have no one, everyone seems to be dating, hell even the guy who attempted to school up my school has multiple girlfriends. each day is wake up, beat off, game,eat,beat off,game, youtube, beat off, sleep next day. same shit for the last 3 years. im not sure how to end this but ill just say goodbye
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self.depression
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I wish I was gone, but at the same time, I know why I can't leave. Sometimes I find myself wondering a question, that if I presented to my friends, how they would react. It would be a lyric to one of my favorite songs, and it goes simply, "When I'm falling down, would you pick me up again?". While not that deep in terms of language, I've always wondered if my friends would try to help me out of this seemingly bottomless hole I'm in, especially considering the life I've had.
It's not like I've had a bad life, in fact it's been pretty good minus a few things. And that's precisely why I don't do it. I know people will judge me because my life has been average to above average the whole time I've been alive. Recently, I've put on this whole act because I want people to remember me as the guy who has nothing interesting about him, maybe even is an asshole, or most ideally, never remember me in the first place.
It's even reflected in my hobbies to a certain degree. I go to gaming tournaments, and while I've never been great at the games I play, I recently lost in a local tournament to the worst player most people know. This loss would have almost meant nothing to me, but in the middle of the set, somebody felt the need to come right up to my face and say "wow you fucking suck."
While I generally remain fairly positive/neutral in most situations, I got irrationally angry at this person, even if it was meant as a joke. I was damn near ready to scream at this person, but instead, I remained in this character I'm determined to persue which is either emotionless or happy *all the time*. Just an attempted "fuck you" as a 'joke' then sitting alone, staring at reddit and tinder on my phone for a solid hour, until I felt I could even interact with anyone again. Even then, I didn't feel great, but at the same time, felt amazing, because I knew someone wouldn't care if I disappeared from their life or not. Even then, once I got home, and no one else was around, I wept many tears because of those same words.
But then something occurred to me, a looming fear that has been with me since the initial thoughts appeared years ago. "What if they think I did it because I lost to him?". It seems so childish to kill yourself over a video game, despite that not actually being the case.
Then again, most of my friends are from these tournaments, and they know my interest in the game has been lessening for a long time. They might not even think anything of it. In fact, I hope they think nothing of it, it would make things so much easier for me, as I wouldn't have any reason to hesitate anymore.
I just want everyone to forget who I am, so I can leave in peace. So I can leave without hurting others, without them thinking as to why I did it, when the thoughts may have started, why I treated them so well despite my final goal.
I just want to leave without harming anyone else, and because that's impossible, I'm still here.
Please help.
- A********
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self.SuicideWatch
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Driving myself crazy about my road test I'm 19 years old and I haven't gotten my driver's license yet, but I'm taking the road test tomorrow for the first time. I can't stop freaking out obsessing over it! I have to be able to drive by the summer and I can't shake the fear that if I fail tomorrow I'll never get it. I want to be able to think about other things!
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self.Anxiety
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It's funny to see these personalized ads linking to things that used to be interesting for me [deleted]
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self.depression
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Sad and I want to die, but i will not I'm extremely sad, I suffer from anxiety and depression and everyday is a struggle. I often feel suicidal, and my worries just kick me while I'm down. I think I want to die, but I really don't at the same time, my death would hurt my family slot, and I think a life of pain is better than betraying them and hurting them like that.
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self.depression
|
Been diagnosed as bipolar... ON PAPER I've been diagnosed as bipolar 2 for almost 4 years.
Whenever I request a doctor's note for providing my medical condition to submit medical expense deduction or whatever, my pdoc always checks the box of F31 bipolar disorder, but he has never even told me about my diagnosis at all, so my diagnosis has been completely only on paper. I still don't know what's my disease exactly.
On the other hand, I've been prescribed lithium ever since I saw my pdoc, and it actually did help what I was suffering.
I used to be struggling with terrible depression and suicidal thoughts, which was the reason why I went to pdoc at the first place.
Since I started to take lithium, my suicidal thoughts has completely disappeared, depression has also became much better than before I take lithium.
So I'm a bit confused if I actually have bipolar or not, I'm not told about diagnosis, I'm not even sure I've experienced manic thingy or sorta thing, but at least I've experienced that lithium did work for me.
I decided to ask my pdoc
So, should I ask my pdoc about my diagnosis? or Is it better to keep not asking it when my pdoc doesn't explain it for 4 years?
I'm get used to not knowing my diagnosis too much, so I can't tell if it's really important for me or not. I also don't know why I suddenly being conscious about this topic honestly.
Anyway, any thoughts would be appreciated.
After reading all replies, I decided to ask my pdoc next time I see him. Fortunately he's a fairly open-minded, I was just being hesitant personally.
As for insurance, my pdoc describes me as a bipolar on a doctor's note even when the purpose is not related to medical bills at all.
It seems only asking him directly clarifies this problem, so I'm gonna do it, thanks for your replies.
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self.bipolar
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My friend overdosed yesterday and want to hang herself today. What can I do? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Not passionate or interested in things and always bored unless on amphetamines [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Don't you love it when people tell you to start acting like a responsible adult? Instead of being depressed and wanting to die, for example. Bonus point if she's your girlfriend and she blocks you rigtht after saying that.
Honestly I would have blocked myself earlier, with everything I've texted her.
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self.depression
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Just a reminder to take your meds, eat, drink, and bathe if anybody forgot! I love you guys! ❤️❤️
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self.Anxiety
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Wellbutrin XL & alcohol anyone know anything about wellbutrin XL/bupropion (150mg per day) and alcohol? i know i'm not supposed to drink while on it because of risk or seizures and hallucinations etc, but if there's a time that i do want to drink (i.e. a friend's birthday trip coming up) can i just not take the dosage that day?
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self.depression
|
I hate Snapchat I honestly hate this whole social media era (and no, I don’t mean Reddit)...Snapchat in particular. Why do people always have to be snapping everything. Snaps of their food, snaps of their nights out. Snaps of literally the dumbest shit. Somehow I can’t just delete it, as I feel like it connects me to people I would lose touch with without it. But I don’t know why people feel compelled to snap the most normal things going on...I was out with 5 friends the other night and there was a moment where everyone was snapping a Lebron James dunk. It took like 10 minutes to get the right shot. Like wtf. What happened to just watching the game? Last night My friend snapped a....well... I don’t really know what it was because it was him like running and saying something, and it made no sense. I don’t mean to be a dick, but do you REALLY think people care about it? Ughhhh, I wish it was like the old days where we could have a night out with my friends and it didn’t have to be broadcasted to people. Idk. Maybe I’m an old soul. All I know is snapping stupid shit is stupid and unnecessary.
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self.offmychest
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Is anyone afraid of getting better? Is the thought of you living a ‘normal’ life scary to you? Why or why not?
I personally am afraid of it because I’ve suffered from it for so long. It’s like a familiar enemy. I wouldn’t know how to function without it. Idk if that makes any sense at all...
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self.Anxiety
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I've already tried to kill myself a couple of times. Why can't I just die? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Currently experiencing my third ever bout with anxiety and starting to fear i'll never find a way out, any help out there? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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i want to kill myself but i also dont want to i want to because i know i have nothing to live for anymore, everyone around me hates me and my gpa in school is shit and im not good at anything and i have no friends and probably no one would care if i died
but on the other hand im always fucking guilt tripped into thinking about my parents and family and it pisses me off because i dont want to cause them any pain but at the same time im so sick of feeling this way and so sick that i was born and that i have to live this shitty live i have. i promised myself that i would do something special if i could make it past 21, i dont know if its possible anymore.
im so tired.
im so so fucking tired.
edit* my boyfriend is currently in the process of maybe breaking up with me and i dont want him to but i also feel like i need to when i kill myself. i love him so very much but we've had a rough patch for a little and it seems like hes fed up with it. i want him to be happy, but i also want him to be happy with me but i dont want him to be with me if im going to die eventually.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m scared my someone I️ love is going to die. TW/attempt [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Im not worth it I will never be worth a woman's time, I have lived in Minnesota my entire life and let me tell you, its the worst here, I try and try in my life to no avail, I didn't have a girlfriend until I was 22 and didn't lose my virginity until I was 20, I am completely experienced in what a woman wants, likes, needs, and such but im not worth it, im only 25 and I've already given up on life, I tell friends im ok when really im not, I want to die alot of the time but im not going to kill myself as I can't do that so hopefully maybe I just die of natural causes or something, im sorry to all the people I am a burden to, especially women
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self.depression
|
What does the beginning of mania feel like to you?
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self.bipolar
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Does anyone else start to get sleep issues/irregularities when they feel they’re on a down turn? I have a much more predictable sleep pattern in phases of hypo-mania and while I can survive with little sleep, at least I know when I’ll be in bed by and that I’ll be up at a certain time. I’ve noticed though that as I start to hit a down turn I’m really tired during the day and then as soon as I get into bed I can’t sleep even though I feel exhausted. I feel like I should have an easier time sleeping when I’m not longer in a phase of hypo-mania... I’d appreciate any insights.
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self.bipolar
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Dealing with an anxious father Hi all,
I wonder if I am asking for advice in the right place. My sister and I are dealing with an anxious father. His anxiety was rather manageable in the past, however as we have grown into adults now and have left home (me 5 years ago and my sister 1 year ago) his anxiety seems to have gotten worse, to the point that he is constantly irritable and becomes aggressive with the slightest of triggers. He is no longer fun to be around and his anxiety has started to cause anxiety in both my sister (my sister has long suffered anxiety related to him being over bearing with her) and myself. My mother seems to deal with it by excusing his outbursts, to the point that we get blamed for triggering them, or just by shutting off and pretending that it is not an issue. I want my old dad back and I want him to be happy again, lately he just seems constantly sad and angry. How can I help him?
Thank you so much in advance! I look forward to your replies!
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self.Anxiety
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The people who shout about how the mental health system is broken whenever a mass shooting or other types of tragedies occur are the same people who tell us that we don't need medication instead all we need is more exercise and to eat healthy.
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self.bipolar
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Not really sure what to do at this point. I have a great life, I can't deny that. I'm in 11th grade, in competitive drama, and I finally started learning how to animate. I'm even in an AP class this year, I thought I'd be proud of myself for making it this far.
Hell, I was gonna go trick-or-treating with a few friends tomorrow.
But every day I wake up, go to school, and come home, I have the same thought through out the day.
Suicide, death, coma, something, anything.
Each year it gets worse and worse. I don't know if it's the seasons changing or just getting close to graduation, but living is a burden.
I feel like a burden on my friends, I no longer want to make plans and hang out. I don't want to go anywhere anymore. I haven't hung out, properly, with any friends and enjoyed it since freshman year, and at this point plans of hanging out just sound like mosquitoes buzzing in my ears.
I hate my existence, it literally feels like I have no purpose but to exist to keep my friends from them committing suicide themselves.
My grades have starting slacking at three months into the school year. This isn't like me.
If I could disappear for a week or three, just to a place of complete silence and darkness, have someone take my place, I'd take it in a heartbeat.
Everything is flying at thousands of miles a second.
I hate hearing "It gets better" because it doesn't. Not for me.
The times I have tried to kill myself were never effective, and my parents wouldn't do much either. It's not that they don't care, they just don't want to deal with it.
I shouldn't be on the verge of tears writing this, I'm so tired but I don't want to sleep.
I don't want to exist anymore and I don't know what to do anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I have trouble speaking my mind on my emotions. I fear that what I say will be cringe. I feel if I speak my mind I will get some negative emotions out but I've been bullied in the past for saying whatever was on my mind so I have trouble doing it. Is it worth it? I'm afraid of judgement.
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self.Anxiety
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I️ just quit my new job and feel like crap [deleted]
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self.depression
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I just want to talk to my grandma on christmas I dont care that my family is spoiling with all these fucking gifts that I dont deserve. I like them, they're nice, but the only thing I truly want is to talk to my grandma. Im beginning to cry again, I love you all so much and goodnight.
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self.depression
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Intrigued I did weed maybe 2-3 times before I did brownies so I didn't smoke it often whatsoever however one night I had brownies and the trip was horrendous I thought I was dying and my body was shutting down it was awful can't explain how bad it made me feel I was hospitalised with a rapid heartbeat from the anxiety not a good night I think it has definitely increased my anxiety as I used to be able to ignore it all and my thoughts now I can't I'm worried it changed the chemicals in my brain
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self.Anxiety
|
Anxious about my birthday coming up. I don't think I'm going to get anything for it. At all. A little back story, I've been at an extreme low lately to the point where my mom got so angry at me staying home that she yelled me into a panic attack, forced me out of bed and broke my laptop to make me go. And one thing I just realized is I'm probably not going to get anything for my birthday. During many of my mom's many screaming sessions she often says stuff like "you don't deserve anything I've ever gotten you" and "don't ever ask me for anything ever again" and it's made me realize that I probably won't be getting me anything for my birthday. She won't even buy me pastels which I /need/ for art class! My birthday is coming up in 13 days and she hasn't even seemed concerned about what I want for my birthday. And after breaking my laptop she said she was happy it was broke and wasn't going to replace/repair it. There goes a ton of school work which will then overwhelm me back into a depression. And also one of my coping mechanisms. You've done great mom. 100% parenting. 110%.
I know this seems really selfish and spoiled and "oh no they're not going to get anything for their birthday, boohoo" but I just. Needed to get this out somewhere.
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self.depression
|
Music, does it help you? I find the right music to be incredibally therapeutic. I have a very broad range of styles i like. My favourites being techno, house, hardbazz (that russian shit). But I also enjoy classical music or country and pop.
Does music help you, and if yes, what is your favourite genre?
Edit: i do not need a hug right now, i do not know how to remove that from the title
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self.Anxiety
|
Bipolar and high IQ I don't like to advertise my IQ, generally my peers describe me as a genius on their own. Family is generally disappointed in me as I'm 'supposed' to be a multi-millionaire by now but I choose to work physical jobs. Made $200k at 19 years old and then I just... stopped, explored other avenues, particularly women.
A hypomanic episode occurs about every 2 years and everytime it's like an 'upgrade'. It lasts about 5 months and everytime I shift my focus onto something new. I'm 26 now, survived 6 episodes, and the current focus is management... I am now an ENTP, previously an INFP, and originally an INTP. Bipolar is a double-edged sword, the best and worst thing.
My job has helped a lot, paid for therapy and etc. They're used to it, a lot of people in logistics go nuts. But I'd really like to control this better.
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self.bipolar
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Do you guys experience an elevated resting heart rate in the anxiety heavy days? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Part time super hero, in search of HQ to lay his cape That was the craigslist post that I can give credit for the circumstances that gave me my daughter.
I’m a C-level executive, I manage the Sales, Marketing, R&D, and Customer Service for a medium sized business that does about $20M in sales each year. No, it’s certainly not a Fortune 500. But it’s a living. I’m relatively comfortable middle class. I shouldn’t have any complaints right? People think I’m relatively happy and social, a little immature, but I do my job better than anyone else.
My soon to be ex wife was originally my roommate a couple of years ago when I was still grinding out a low level job. I like to think I’m a gentleman. Things were strictly platonic for the first 3 months. Then, we started going at it like rabbits.
She got pregnant.
I begged her to marry me. I didn’t want to be “that guy”. I wanted to own up and take care of her, and be around my soon to be daughter as much as possible.
We got married.
It became increasingly apparent that while she didn’t hate me, there was nothing about being married to me that she loved.
My daughter.
She’s me whole world. I look at her and I would literally do anything for her. People say that a lot. It’s another banal platitude that gets thrown out way too much. But I would do ANYTHING for her. My heart little breaks without her. My world crumbles when I think about not being there for her. My heart hurts.
The darkness.
I can’t be alone. I’ve never been able to do it. Anytime I’m alone my hate for myself rips through me. I couldn’t tell you why. In fact that’s why I’m sitting here on Reddit. Rather than go back to my hotel room and sit alone, I’m in my car doing this.
I’m at a trade show in San Diego, and while my employees all like me, I’m not one of them. I feel like I’m constantly looking from the outside, in.
Better Off.
I’m an objective person. I’m ridiculously analytical. I’ve been analyzing for years. The equation always works out the same. The people I love (which if I’m honest, there’s too many) are better off without me.
I’m irreconcilably broken. I don’t know why. Shit just never seems to click for me and I can’t go through life alone. I feel like I’ve thrown bits of my heart at people far too freely, and now there’s not enough of it left to keep me going.
What could I possibly give my daughter? At best I teach her to be as broken as me, at worst she ends up even more messed up than I am.
Just Once.
I’m 30 years old, and just once, just one fucking time, I wish someone would see in and know that I’m hurting, that I’m struggling to stay above water, and to throw me a life vest. Not because they don’t want to see me drown, but because they actually care about me.
I’m a realist. I know how careful you have to be when rescuing someone who’s drowning, the fear that they might pull you under with them. But fuck. At the very least offer me a hand so that I can take it long enough to thank you and then I’ll just let go. Just give me a minute of feeling valued and then I won’t fight it anymore.
Sincerely,
Alfred without Batman,
Clark without Lois,
Tony without Pepper,
&c.
/rant
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self.offmychest
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so it's national novel writing month & my novel includes bipolar... [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
It eventually ends the same. Every time. Every time I fall in love with a girl and we start to have mutual feelings, I invest too much emotionally and a sudden distance develops. I don't know why or how to solve this. I get depressed and my life crumbles.
Every time. Every single time. Why is it always the same.
I want to fucking end my life.
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self.depression
|
Is there a way to tell if your Anxiety is causing Depression? Hello! I was diagnosed with GAD a year and a half ago, but started having panic attacks and anxiety about 8 years before that. I'm a college student, and life is crazy. I feel down quite a lot, I cry sometimes about stupid things, I am constantly tired, and I hate myself. Anxiety is making me think I am heading towards depression. I don't have suicidal thoughts, but have struggled with that more than a year ago.
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm working abroad and it has been great. Just halfed my med dosis - I have no feelings now. Hello people,
This is more a rant than it is anything else. So I took a big step 2 months ago and took a 2 month project job in Spain. First time I traveled alone (or been abroad), and my first "real" job since I graduated.
I've been doing loads of things i wouldn't do at home. I met a girl a couple of weeks ago and we had sex, which i havent done in years. I've fucked several hookers. I have just developed myself a lot, even workwise as i have a lot less anxiety now.
Yesterday i even went on a date with a really hot and sweet girl, and i thought she liked me. She said we should keep in touch at least. Both called her and messaged her on tinder - no answer. Well, thats how it is.
The thing is i have to prepare some work for my last week here (for tomorrow), but goddammit i feel numb, because i just halfed my dosis of SSRI(ish), brintelix. I had to cause i didnt bring enough pills as i have extended my stay. So i went from 15 mg to taking one pill every other day, to make the dosis last till i get home.
The wierd thing is i didnt even think it was working, cause i normally feel like shit. I even had a higher dosis, 20 mg, without effect. So kinda surprised i have no motivation or feelings today. Like really zombie-like and i dont care about shit. Which is bad cause i have really been motivated lately cause of the exciting job that i do. But now i dont care at all even though i have to finish some work till tomorrow. This is the last period, i need to not fuck it up now.
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self.depression
|
It feels like the ship is on fire and I'm now resorting to drilling holes in the hull to put it out because they're not doing anything. That at least seems to be a good analogy at this point with how the friendship is now.
I want to fix things. I want to get back afloat and sailing forward as we used to. The thing is that I can't do it alone and she's off staring into the sunset.
I've tried talking, reaching out through email so that I could coherently put my thoughts and feelings into words, texting about shit, a bunch of methods yet nothing. The only thing I've gotten is a polite rejection to my offer to still honor what I said before about an event I got tickets for and how one was hers but that we had to talk before I could stand by it. Even though she said she hoped I enjoyed it, I could still see her declining my offer as her declining the whole concept of talking things out.
As time goes on, we're still connected online and I'm not the one that going to take an axe to those connections severing them.
So here I am, acting out in response. She wants space and I end up texting her still or impulsively sending links like I used to. Or tagging her in photos that I didn't upload because of what happened or that I had removed the tags on when things went down. Commenting and liking things on social media and not caring about the reaction.
Hell, tonight I even replied to her comment on a post her friend made on FB after it showed in the ticker on the side. The subject related to us both as it revolves around something we both did regularly so I jokingly commented based on the post. The thing is that I know that she’ll think I’m a creeper because I happened to see it thinking I searched it out even though it’s something that legitimately popped up on Facebook for me.
All of this is like I'm intentionally drilling holes in the hull of a ship to see how much water it can take on before it goes under because the other person on board isn't helping and it is maddening.
It's been two months and I just want my best friend back in my life instead of worrying that I'll wake up one morning to see that the final threads between us have been cut.
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self.offmychest
|
I tried to kill myself the night before last, I think. So. I know, weird title. I'll explain. I was fine the night before last, and then I got into my room...sitting there alone with my thoughts. Which, I do this literally every day, so I'm confused as to why this went the way it did. Well, I just randomly started bawling my eyes out. Got my razors, started looking at them, and of course this led to me fucking up my entire arm. Which, after that, I thought I was fine. I was sitting there, calm again, looking at all the blood I was going to have to clean up...and..I fucked up even more. I got a bottle of my fibromyalgia medication, and noticed it was full. It started with eight, then I just kept going back and taking more and more and more. My best friend called me, as I had been messaging him all suicidal and shit, telling him how I fucked up. I talked with him for a while, he kept trying to get me to stop taking the pills. Then he tried contacting my mom, which I then blocked his number from her phone and proceeded to take more. I was only taking maybe four at a time but I kept going back. I took at least 30 pills. Well, he ended up getting me to where I went and woke up my mom and told her. My parents were pissed. They took the pills from me, and didn't come back in my room. I ended up passing out, woke up to my mom asking me if I'm okay yesterday morning. She got me some food, and had to help me walk to the bathroom because I couldn't walk on my own. I slept most of yesterday. I'm fine now, I guess. Horribly depressed and wanting to cut again, but there's no room on my arm and I'm not too fond of cutting anywhere else. I don't know why I did it. I didn't think I want to die, but I think maybe in the back of my head, I do. Everything kind of started in September. I ended September with finding out my boyfriend's best friend commit suicide, while I was on meth. I only knew she died but while I was coming down, I found out she actually jumped off of a parking garage here in town. This led me to being really suicidal, but I decided to make myself go to a hospital. I was being tormented with how I was going to tell my boyfriend and such. I wrote him a letter before I went in to the hospital. (He's currently in prison...) and I stayed there from October 3rd until October 11th. I checked myself out because I got frustrated and pissy every day. I don't know why I thought I'd be okay considering I've always hated hospitals, but I guess I wanted to get away while I was coming down. They put me on 50 MG of Zoloft and 200 MG of Tegratol. I hadn't been taking anything except for my Haldol shot every month before this because I swore I could do fine without mood stabilizers/anti-depressants. I swore I was gonna be clean when I went home also, but..yeah. Went home, stayed at home for a day but decided to go out on the 13th. I went to my friend's house and then shit hit me. I realized I was able to get drugs now, and I went nuts. Went to my other friend's while my friend I was staying with was at work. My friend bought some ecstasy, and so did I. Ecstasy is my absolute biggest weakness, so. I usually only take maybe 8 pills max. Well, this time I took about 20, maybe more. I took 10 but quite a few of them were doubles, so it's two pills in one. I was fine until I went back to my other friend's. My stomach started hurting pretty bad. Tried to take a shower to see if it'd help, it didn't. My stomach pain was starting to get to the point where I couldn't handle it, and I have a pretty high pain tolerance. My friend that I had taken the pills with was urging me to go to the ER. Sadly, my friend's mom that I was with was refusing to call an ambulance because of her drugs in the house and didn't have a car to take me. My friend that I was with walked me to the pool at the apartment complex and stayed with me while she called the ambulance and didn't leave me until she saw me gone. I ended up having a mild heart attack that night. Shit scared the fuck out of me, and I haven't done x since. Which, I absolutely fucking hate. I miss it so much. The meds started kicking in around the 15th and I was absolutely AMAZING. For the whole month of October, my family was so happy with me. They said I was like a totally different person. I had a normal sleep schedule. I was losing random weight. I was eating like I should. It was great. November came around. I ended up visiting my boyfriend's best friend's grave on the 1st like I usually did. I had went depressed this time though, my first bit of depression since the 15th, because I fought with my grandma. Something wasn't right though this time. My mom said I was in a trance when I got back into the car, and I didn't come out of it until she was already inside the grocery store. I started getting extremely suicidal. Hearing voices in my head telling me to kill myself. Called my grandpa, and everything was okay. I went home, and noticed my letters from my boyfriend were missing. I went batshit crazy. We couldn't find them, so I just gave up and started crying. (We actually found them recently, at our house next door, shoved behind the bathroom mirror...) My mom started going nuts about how his best friend "attached herself" to me, or she had this theory that whatever got her to kill herself was trying to attack me and that's why it didn't happen until I went there depressed. I ended up burning her pictures, and stopped visiting her grave after that. On November 3rd, I started panicking one night. I didn't have my letters to calm me down, and I noticed my cousin's knife was in my dresser still. I started playing with it, and shit went south and I cut up my arm for the first time since Jan 19th. I was fine after that. November 19th, cut my arm again. Was doing good and hadn't cut up until the 21st of this month. So, now I'm here, 4:00 AM, wishing I could somehow make everything magically better. I hate feeling like I'm disappointing my family. I wanna see them happy again, saying how good I'm doing. I wanna feel the way I did. Nothing is working though. Maybe it's the magicalness of having a good sleep schedule that I'm missing, I dunno. But, I'm taking my meds, they've been upped. I don't have suicidal urges, just passing thoughts, but those were always there even when I was happy. I doubt those will ever go away. I'm depressed, but it's not like...I'm able to function and stuff still, I'm just very sad while doing so. I feel so fucking lonely. I'm empty. I wish I had a friend I could talk to all day, every day. Long phone calls, shit like that is what I miss. My best friend comes over every week or so for a few days, and I'm perfectly happy when he's here, but when he's not... I get bad again. I wanna smoke weed every day again, but I'm starting to get drug tested in January so I'm fucked with that. I feel so much better with weed. Been getting worse since I stopped. I only get to talk to my boyfriend 20 minutes a day and see him through glass once a month. Didn't get to see him this month because of Christmas, and I have only seen him once, last month. I don't really talk to anyone else but him and my best friend. I'm just so miserable. I'm tired of being a burden on everyone. I'm tired of hurting. I'm tired of feeling ugly. I'm tired of being fat. I'm tired of just feeling like my life is meaningless. Fucked up thing is I feel prettier with the cuts on my arm. I feel noticed. I really need to stop though. It's just getting so addicting again. I don't really wanna die. I'd hurt my boyfriend and best friend more than anything ever could and I can't do that to them. I wanna live and get married and have babies and be a nurse like I'm going to school for but I'm in so much fucking mental pain and I just want it to stop. :(
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I want to be hit by a car I want to be in so much physical pain that it distracts me from my depression
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Boys will be boys. I want to change my views without lying to myself. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I dont want to go through the pain of dying [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I’m weak I’m weak. All I do is cry and fade out. I'm so fucking useless. I can see how angry it makes people and they're so fucking right to feel that way. I don't know why they put up with it, and I know they are starting to wonder the same thing.
My whole life people have left me. I understand why.
I don't think I'm real.
I'm going to stop being real.
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self.offmychest
|
fuck you Fuck you Nicole, you’re so fucking unfaithful. You say you love me and you care about me but you constantly go behind my back and hurt me. Is that what love is to you? You treating me like fucking shit and me just sitting here taking it because my self esteem is that low? I wish I could leave you but I feel like you’re worth it. Everyone else has told me to break up with you but I just can’t. Everyone said you’re tearing me apart but I don’t see it. What you did earlier this week was a real fucking low move. You just like attention. You’re so fucking immature and need to just grow the fuck up. Quit seeking other men’s eyes acting like I don’t put every ounce of energy into our relationship. I barely hang out with my friends anymore. You’re a liar, emotional cheater, backstabber, and a rude ass girl. You cry to me sometimes about how every one in your life leaves you... I think I know why. YOU’RE NOT A GOOD PERSON. I DESERVE BETTER. YOU DO NOT DESERVE A GUY LIKE ME. So leave me Nicole, because I’m too low to leave you. Quit fucking hurting me. This isn’t the first time you emotionally cheated. You claim you just wanted a new “best friend”. That’s why you called him cute right? That’s why you planned to hangout with him behind my back right? FUCK YOU.
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self.offmychest
|
Anyone else feel depression is a more (or at least as much) physical than mental thing? TLDR One can often feel fine mentally, but be unable to present this to the world, because the body manifests depression so thoroughly on a physical level. The face and body present depression, to the point where its literaly impossible to smile or convey any genuine impression of yourself, even though you should otherwise be mentally fine.
...
Example, I wake up in the morning, my mood is more or less fine and i feel ready to go to work and go about my day. I get out of bed and i feel a little stiff and achy, maybe dehydrated.
Go to the bathroom and in the mirror Im like "Oh no, what the fuck is that!?" I look unbelievably sad and unhealthy, my eyes are hollow and look sad and weak, I dont recognise myself in this face at all. I summon up the emotions that made me quite confident yesterday, but they barely register on the face. Its impossible to smile, it looks like a grimace.
I soend half an hour in front of the mirror trying to force myself to look normal and composed, but every time i turn back and catch myself again i see this shell emanating horrible vibes.
Again, i didnt wake up feeling this way, I wasnt even aware of it until i became aware of myself physically by 1) moving around and 2) observing myself.
You end up almost late for work because you cant convince yourself to leave the house. It might even be easier if you were mentally down, at least that would fit with your physical self image now.
People at work say, "Ive not seen you so depressed, whats got you down", or "I think i know what youre sad about". But for all that, it is nothing in particular you're down *about* - it is a physical thing.
You just want your face to cheer up and your shoulders to relax so you can be yourself, but its physically impossible. There are no tricks or thoughts that will lift you out of it. The subtlest or most powerful *thought* doesnt matter because your body is not physically expressing what is happening inside.
We always talk about depression as a *mental* illness but in my experience its the physical factors that predominate, and to such an extent that the ability to deal with it mentally *almost doesnt matter*. You can have your thoughts in order but what your body is presenting to the world physically is an impossible barrier to overcome.
(This isnt well written, im never as smart on paper as i think i am in my head, but id love to hear if anyone relates to this or has any thoughts).
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self.depression
|
The Only Thing Stopping Me Is That I’m A Coward I would be dead by the end of this morning if I wasn’t. I already would be, even.
I have a well laid out plan, that I can, and might, go through with. It would be so easy. I hate life, and yet something in me forces me to keep going, and I hate it. I would be happier if I could just die, but I can’t.
This entire night has been Hell. A rollercoaster of tunnels and sunlight while I contemplate whether I should end it all.
I am, after all, worthless. Human life has no intrinsic value. I can’t do anything. I’m forgetful, everyone hates me. I said, recently, that I changed my mind about doing it. I won’t, I said. I learned something though.
If you feel better, you’ll probably feel worse in just a couple days.
I’m ready to die, I have it all planned out. It could happen. 6:20 this morning. I just want to be dead, but there’s no easy way to have that aside from aging.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Do SSRIs work for any of you? I'm really depressed right now, following a mixed episode and I really just want the depression to stop. I don't care if it makes me manic, I just want to stop this.
|
self.bipolar
|
Skin picking.. Anyone else pick their skin as a way to relieve stress when anxious/nervous? I pick the sides of my thumbs until the bleed and the bottom of my feet until they're sore. Not sure what to do to stop but need to because it's very unattractive and I get self-conscious about the way it looks 😞 Any suggestions are welcome!!
|
self.Anxiety
|
Found this article via FB, about someone's experience with BP2 https://medium.com/@freddiedeboer/digging-out-20bf30cbddf9
This rung true for me in a lot of ways and I wanted to share with you all
|
self.bipolar
|
Stressed about SSRI stats I’m in bio psychology class at my university and we talked about psychopathological disorders today (inc anxiety) I’ve been in and out of therapy this year and recently went on Zoloft. Today though, my professor was talking about how SSRI’s have shown little to no improvement for depression and anxiety. After sitting a listening to him for 75 minutes I had a total breakdown. I’m scared the medicine isn’t going to work an nothing is going to get better. A friend of mine who is on Prozac told me that “anxiety is all in our heads so we have to believe the medicine is working and it will.” But that just sounded wrong to me and now I dont know what to do. How to I overcome the constant worry that my meds aren’t doing anything/doing more harm than good?
TL;DR constant worry that my new meds aren’t going to work for my anxiety
|
self.Anxiety
|
Things going to shit I recently got injured in a car accident and haven’t been able to work for about 2 months.
I live with my fiancé and at first she was so caring and loving helping me with everything, but it seems like she’s just fed up with me, things as small as asking her to get me a pack of gum on her way home seems to bother her, I try to help around the house the most I can with my limited mobility but it really doesn’t make a difference.
I love her very much but sometimes I think that as soon as I get better and can get my savings back that I want to leave her because god forbid something else happens down the road that’s worse I wonder if she’s wife material.
Doesn’t help that I normally suffer from depression which I normally just keep it inside when I was able to work since I could cope with it by going to gym or having some drinks with friends but now whenever I get depressed I have no way to vent and I try to talk to her and she just seems annoyed by it.
Not really sure what I’m looking for by posting this just needed to vent without feeling like I’m annoying someone.
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self.offmychest
|
Being in a relationship with a highly successful person; He's my ex now, but I looked up to him (granted we're so different as far as energy levels and ability to succeed at college so I can't mimic his approach to achieving success.) I have zero intention of being a laundry attendant at a hotel the rest of my life. Why is it sucky to not have my ex around? Because my family and I aren't close. My mom is sort of a wreck, like so rice paper thin she can't handle stess or emotional shit. She's easily manipulated and dependant on people including me. Which, I'm about done dealing with.
This will be my fourth year of college. I never thought I'd get this far with all the bullshit I've had to fight through this whole time. Including respecting myself and remembering to be *kind* to myself, instead of beating myself up constantly.
I was so happy for my exes success, that it motivated me. Shit. I want to graduate with a Lexus and well paid job. The reality is, that's not the case for everyone and my situation is way different. Yet, he acted like anyone could accomplish it.
It'd be great to become a biomedical engineer. But you kinda need people to be there for you and support the process. I'm learning to do it the fuck alone. (means lots of crying.)
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self.bipolar
|
Exhausted & broke Idk. Food doesn't taste the same. Colors don't feel as bright. Music doesn't excite anymore. Its like I'm just living for the sake of being alive. What's the point.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I always conclude suicide - how can I achieve my goals in life? (Type 1 Bipolar // Schizophrenia) [deleted]
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self.depression
|
how do i let go how do i let go of attachments ... ive been having chronic depression ... even since i was 10 . and even so ... how do i let go of the past ... i tried learning from it .. accepting it . but the pain .. the voices .... these feelings wont stop hurting me .... now i lost the love of my life .... she said that i changed .... who was i before ... who am i now ... she left me ... tell me ... how do i help myself .... ive been searching ways ... please .. somebody .
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self.depression
|
A question about a wellness check I have a friend that I am currently pretty concerned about. Last night/early this morning he messaged myself and another mutual friend that he had taken a knife to his wrist. This friend has a history of depression, had been drinking the last couple days, and recently broke up with his gf and she moved out. I am wondering if it is ok to call the police in his city and ask them to do a wellness check? I don’t want to get him in trouble or anything, but since I am close to 800 miles away and I have no contacts in his city I am at a bit of a loss. Should I wait longer? The other person he contacted has tried to call him several times this morning. Thanks! And I hope that this is the appropriate place for a question like this.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I don’t even know. I just feel sad and anxious I feel really anxious and hopeless. I just got out of inpatient two weeks ago. They added Wellbutrin for my depression. I was having suicidal thoughts. I don’t feel any better and now I feel worse. I feel like people are whispering about me, conspiring against me. I feel an impending doom. It’s like the Wellbutrin has lessened the effects of the Latuda. I literally hallucinated my coworkers talking about me. Good thing I’m only working there until Saturday. It’s a toxic environment. And considering my paranoid thoughts, I just need to get out of that place. I’m just worried my new job won’t be any better. I’ve worked my current job for the last two years. My boss is a bully. I need to let go but I feel so wrapped up in my job that it’s just making me so anxious. I don’t want to go to work tomorrow or any of the rest of my shifts. But it’s only until Saturday. I can probably do this. I just needed to share because I feel so terrible.
|
self.bipolar
|
Just some advice ( especially gamblers ) Hi, i am an addicted gambler from balkan country and i will tell you my story and some advice if you consider suicide, which im really close to do tonight ( i dont want help i accepted it ). I will start with what made my life worse than it was- In the winter of 2015 i first heard of gambling while playing CS:GO, i started to gamble with small items ( those items have a value ingame for those who dont know from 0.01 cent to hundreds ). All good and fun till i go in a down in my life again when i just furiously use 50 euro ( i know it doesnt sound much for you ) to gamble on those sites, bought some stupid ass skin and started coin - flipping . Guess what ? i won, 100, i never felt so happy, then i kept doing it for weeks day and night carefully and hoping, i got to the value of over 9000 euro when my parents togheter do 500 euro / month. Did i stop there ? no i kept gambling and gambling till i was left with almost nothing, maybe it was a 20 streak lose. i tought i found a way to beat the system ( i still think the admins of those sites fucked me ). The almost nothing left becouse i already ordered a 144hz monitor and some modest pc components like a gtx950. After that i kept gambling on those stupid sites all money i could find, i started to sell things from house, you know this kind of stuff without telling you. IN 2-3-4 months after that ( my mind was so lost i can't even remember right ), red eyed, destroyed i meet the girl who is now my girlfiend, jesus this girl is perfect you have no idea, i even used keylogger in her pc and tested her and she is just I wish you all guys something like this, smart and stunning and faithfull ( love you so much ). I stopped gambling a little by little till it was over. We started to save money so we can do a future, its almost november 2017 now and i just ruined most of money in a casino after i saw my uncle around there, i just couldnt stop, i wanted the best and i felt this was the fastest way. worked once why not again right ? i will not be forgiven and i don't forgive myself. I start distancing myself from all so they can get used easier anyway i dont know what anyone likes at me, im literally a heartless shit. This in not only the reason for wanting this, i felt this way before puberty, im sure im a bit fucked in the head. I don't do drugs and drink or got abused ever in any way, this shit "depression" can get to anyone. PLEASE do not bet ever or fell you are worthless, there are people who care and will love you and if you really dont find an escape just find a way to hurt them less when you are gone.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I’m tired of being the happy one I’m tired of being the kid that is always happy. Going to school and pretending I live this perfect life and don’t struggle with anything then going home to only be reminded of how miserable I really am is killing me. I’ve told a few people what really going on in my head and they only seem to see the fake part of me that is too happy to be depressed.
What’s the point of living life if it’s though a mask?
|
self.depression
|
I don't know why I tried to kill myself Two nights ago I tried to kill myself and I'm not sure why. Everything was getting better, I had just ended an unhealthy relationship, I was exercising and eating better and I felt like I was finally building some good friendships, I felt like I was finally get better. But two nights ago I was drinking with a friend at my place having a good time then he passed on the couch and I saw the knife in my kitchen and decided to cut my arm open. Luckily (I guess) I wasn't able to get to the vein but I did some pretty significant damage. Eventually he woke up and got me to stop, convinced me to wrap my arm up but I flat out refused to go to the hospital so he at least got me to go to bed. I woke up the next morning and called one of my best friends who used to be an EMT with the hope that he could patch me up. Once he got it unwrapped he realized that I badly needed stitches so he talked me into going to the emergency room. I got 11 stitches in my forearm and they set up an appointment with a LCSW (not sure what that is) in a week. But the thing that still gets me is I'm not entirely sure why I did it. And I'm still not sure how I feel about it all, I keep going between feeling a bunch of stuff (embarrassment, shame and disappointment mainly) or feeling completely numb to it all. I want to have either succeeded or never attempted it in the first place. I guess I just don't know, I'm not even sure why I'm writing this, I think maybe I just wanted to get my story out there.
|
self.depression
|
I really want to kill myself, but... ... I'm just too damn scared. Seriously, I have a suicide note written out, I have a plan on how to notify everyone I know, I have an idea for my funeral or memorial, and I know what I want to do with my belongings. My main problem is that I'm too scared to kill myself. I want it to be quick and sudden, not slow and gradual. I don't know. I'm just done with trying and with life. Everything I need and long for in life is not meant to be for me at all. I'm tired of constant failure and disappointment.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My Ex Friend’s Fiancé In August I reconnected with a friend I haven’t seen in 7 years, (we’ve been friends for 10+ yrs). We hung out all night, laughed, joked, talked, and after hanging out again a few weeks later we had sex. A month later he went back to his fiancé (they were broken up for a few months) and she started throwing shade. Saying how he doesn’t need new friends, and thirsty females need to stay away from him, then she blocked me on his social media. 2 months later she sends me a friend request and started shading me, saying how he said my sex game was trash and I was easy, and said how he should’ve let me buy him that phone (I offered to get him a phone from Letgo, if he gave me the cash for it). Crazy thing is, I’ve never reached out to him or said anything to him after he went back to her, I simply moved on with my life and is now dating someone else. He became an after thought, and I even let go of the fact that I helped him out when he needed money for his daughter and he turned around and stole $300 from me and tried to deny it. Now his fiancé is still on this nonsense “being petty as she calls it.” Throwing shade. But I refuse to stoop to her level of childishness. Is this girl crazy or something?!
|
self.offmychest
|
Will Cymbalta work 2nd time? Advertisement
Hey,
The only antidepressant that ever has worked for me is Cymbalta. I took it 4 years ago for 8 months and I had never felt better during that time.
I used to be depressed, fatigued, with sleep problem, anxiety and stress for years. But Cymbalta helped me. Once i quit it i slowly faded back into my old depressed, fatigued state.
I have been struggling in a depressive state ever since i quit Cymbalta. I have tried diet, exercise, meditation, and yoga.
What makes me think I’m depressed? tired all the time, concentration problems, problems sleeping, no motivation, no ups and downs. Just low energy numbness.
Doctors tell me that I’m burn out by lot of work. I can agree. But feeling this way, I begin to wonder if its worth taking Cymbalta a second time? Since it worked so well for me years ago. But some doctors advised me to not take it. I had horrible withdrawal effects the first time with brain zaps.
I have tried Wellbutrin, Quetiapin and other antidepressants but not with same effect.
And i have read about horrible bi effects and permanent side effects with Cymbalta use. Still i did not have them the first time.
I feel exhausted all the time at the moment with no energy. possible burnout.
Any advice?
|
self.depression
|
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