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Am i going crazy? I haven't slept for 5 days and i feel like i've gone crazy i sleep for 1 hour and then i wake up with feeling that i haven't slept at all. I have trouble concentrating my mind is racing and i have fear that i'm developing/already developed schizophrenia i have no hallucinations i don't hear any voices and i don't see things i don't have any delusions but i feel like i'm losing it. Also i have absolute nonsense thoughts when falling asleep. I'm going crazy or it's all anxiety? Also i'm doing weird things i act like i'm drunk please help.
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self.Anxiety
|
What should've been I can't get over the past. I'm almost 32, and I've accomplished NOTHING with my life. NOTHING. Done nothing, gone nowhere, I've spent the past 9 years just sitting in my room, wasting away. I think of all the things I could've done over the years, choices I could've made, and I can't *stand* it. Little, tiny things, that I was just too lazy or cowardly to do, that would've made my life IMMEASURABLY better today, and it kills me. I would KILL for the chance to go back and do it again. All those opportunities I had, and I wasted them, and now I'll never get those opportunities again. I'm so ashamed and disgusted with myself, I have no idea where to even BEGIN to fix my life now.
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self.depression
|
I had a break through today I finally have something I haven’t had in a long time and that’s something to look forward to. I actually got INVITED to go somewhere with people with out me asking! Someone invited me to go surfing and I hope this bit hope is a sign of getting better. I’ve been pretty close to the edge lately and this really helped me a lot.
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self.depression
|
29M.. never traveled, makes only 30k per year, cant even hit the gym because I have a bone problem, I mean seriously.. I'm done. The title says it all. I failed my life. I'm really sad and have no energy to accomplish anything at this point. Life is sad if you are young do not mess around like I did.. because you get old pretty quick and you are stuck with a crappy life... the only way out is suicide.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
how does 4-6 years of experience constitute an entry level position? an entry level systems engineer working at starbucks is required to have 4-6 years of experience. That is some high caliber engineering team you got...
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self.offmychest
|
Abilify side effects?? My doctor said I'm just experiencing psychosomatic symptoms because of working on trauma in therapy. I'm have random moments where I get weak on one side, my vision blurs, I get a headache on the same side I'm weak on, and I get really confused like- I can't do basic math or understand what people are saying. Has anyone else experienced symptoms like this while taking abilify?
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self.bipolar
|
Why people think I am a strange person? I have been stable now for 3 months. But people always seems to think I am weird and strange. It's been a lifetime like this. Sometimes I get tired of that. It's hard to keep your mind balanced ALL THE TIME. To just think "hey, how are you sure they really think that about you"?. Today, I got tired. Just tired of be balanced and, guess what? I have no one to be my ears and give me a hug. I've got to be strong all the time because I don't have anyone to count with if I get weak. And I don't have anyone because I am weird and have social anxiety. And that sucks, that takes my energy, and today I am really exhausted of being strong. I had to vent this somewhere.
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self.bipolar
|
I really really really need advice I'm at a point where I am completely and lost and confused between two choices of my life. I keep promising myself that I WILL commit suicide on a specific day but then the other half of me keeps fighting back these emotions. I already have a suicide note written and prepared for when I finally decide to kill myself for real.
I just really hate my life right now. Everyday I have to go to College with nobody who seems to really care about me. I have to eat lunch by myself everyday. I honestly don't have any real friends. I've had "friends" in the past, but I guess they aren't true friends if they always prefer hanging out with other people much cooler than me. None of my old ones too don't even bother to say hello to me. I really feel like skipping this part of my life ahead to when I finally graduate. I've been doing pretty well with my grades so far so that's one thing I'm proud of. I'm a little proud about my art skills as well, though all of these are just small things. I keep asking myself this: What's the point of moving on if I have nobody besides my parents and sister who cares about me? My family is also another reason why I keep holding back. If I leave, they'll probably realize what a huge disappointment I am. My sister is actually planning on pursuing a career of holding a bakery shop. I really don't want to let her down with my planned suicide.
I actually wrote a post here late last year saying "2017 will be my last year", but here I am in 2018 still struggling through suicidal thoughts, not knowing what to do now. I thought FOR SURE I was going to kill myself in November or December, especially since I thought I was going to have to repeat one of my classes. The reason why I didn't end up doing this is because I found out I passed all my subjects and made it onto the honour roll. But still, these are all just one thing that's truly making me happy. Someone who does well in school but has NO social life whatsoever.
Should I still hold on to hope? Can things actually get better for me? I just want this misery to end :'(
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I’m lost and I don’t know who to turn to. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I’m the duff of my friend group, and it sucks. I’m the guy the girls befriend, then after a week or two go “oh your friend is cute” so I set them up and I stay alone. I’m fucking depressed, I caught feels for one girl in particular and she told me she thinks my friend is cute. I give up with all this shit.
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self.offmychest
|
Im Tired of being alone I have no one that is ever here for me my internet sucks so i can't talk to anyone my grades are failing and I have the chance of being sent to alternitive where druggys and dickheads go im always alone at lunch the girl I want to propose to just moved away and Im on the verge of just saying fuck it take a belt and hang myself in the bathroom next to the pricipal who wants to put me in alternative I don;t know anymore i want a good friend who plays games with me and is there for me when i need them most i have no one to help me today tommorow or ever when school starts back in a week i hope ill be done with this shit if not i might freak out and do it will someone just talk to me.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Trigger warning suicede/Self harm Fucking doctors are shit, been spiralling down very very quickly went from self harm on Wednesday and Friday to being awake all night thinking about how to kill myself. Psych is so busy that my appointments are 2 months apart. I told my doctor the way I feel I will be dead before my next appointment. All he said was I will write to psych and see you again in a weeks time. Is he not fucking listening to me, I could be dead by then, I told him this, made it very clear that the bottom is fast approaching and I can't stop what's coming by myself. He suggests coping strategies, well you can stick that, I'm way past coping.
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self.bipolar
|
Anxiety so severe you avoid EVERYTHING? So I've realized that the way I deal with anxiety (aka, making my anxiety worse), is by avoiding everything that might give me anxiety.
Such as eye contact.
Checking my phone, checking texts, opening a text, responding to it. Same with emails.
Scared of waking up late, so I don't sleep (unless I am so sleep-deprived that my eyes itch; in that case I'll nap the second I come home).
Scared of getting rejected so I constantly have a "please do not talk to me/not interested" vibe coming off of me at school. I'll be super nice if someone approaches me or talks to me but immediately afterwards I'll go back into this shell. And 99% of people take this as "alright he hates me (non-romantic)/alright he's not interested (romantic)".
Every time I send a risky text, I will either avoid my phone for DAYS, or I will refrain from opening my texts and if I have someone I need to text I will just open up a convo through Contacts, completely avoiding my actual messages.
Same thing goes for emails. If I feel like I'm not going to get the response I'm hoping for, lol I'll avoid emails for at least a week. I once sent a long, dramatic email to a professor, mid-semester. I literally NEVER ended up checking her response. Needless to say I avoided eye contact with her for the rest of the semester.
If I wake up late/take too long to get ready for class, I'm too scared of being judged for coming late (as usual; I am chronically late), so I just won't bother going.
I have a terrible time making decisions. I have an Amazon shopping cart with about 30+ games and I am not kidding you when I say I have spent maybe thousands of hours going through every individual video game, asking myself "do I really want this? Should I get it relatively soon, or sometime down the line? Do I want any games similar to it? *checks games similar to it, adds 5 or so games that I know I don't really want* I'm glad I added these in. There's plenty of things to enjoy in life. No wait, these are mediocre. Why waste my time with mediocre? *deletes the 5 games I added*. *Goes over list again next day* Actually you know what I think I actually want those games. *Re-adds the 5 games I've deleted 48293829829382982 times* Actually is this worth it or is it just a mediocre game? *Googles "is X game worth it?" for the 489328493284923849th time*" etc. etc. I literally do this every single day. Funny thing is I buy maybe like... 4? Games a year.
Guy is showing a strong level interest? Lmao I'm definitely never looking at you for even a millisecond. What if you're faking it and secretly laughing at me? What if you don't know what you want? What if I disappoint you?
I don't want to risk seeing certain people so I'll just avoid these 8 million areas where they have at least a 1% chance of showing up. What if my hair looks stupid at that moment when they see me?
If I post ANYTHING on social media you can bet that I spent at least 5 hours thinking about it before I forced myself to post it.
Even though I'm trying to become a singer, I don't practice anywhere except when I'm in my car, and when I'm not at a red light. What if I'm practicing and my voice cracks and I sound terrible? I'm never going to get an opportunity. What if my singing annoys my neighbors? I don't want them to get annoyed.
If I think someone is being manipulative towards me or has some ulterior motive and they do something nice for me, instead of just saying "thank you" and being done with it, I'll just think "hmph... I bet you want me to say thank you. You're only doing this for your own benefit. Should I say thank you anyways? What if they're not actually manipulative or they don't realize it. They can't help it. Oh well it's too late now, better continue acting awkward to be consistent."
etc. etc.
It's EXHAUSTING. And it literally paralyzes me. I've also noticed that when I'm highly anxious I automatically just freeze and my mind either goes blank or I do something dumb.
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self.Anxiety
|
Paying the price A few years ago my father passed away. I am an only child and my parents were divorced so I was the sole beneficiary. My dad lived a very "typical guy" type of life and bought whatever he wanted. All the tools you could dream of, four wheelers, boat, truck, and other items. Some of the bigger ticket items were a single family house he paid off and some land in another state (16 acres.) He had lost his job, so he had almost nothing in the way of cash, except for a life insurance policy which was $122k. When he passed away, my grandma (his mom) wanted to help me out since I was only 22 so she paid off his truck ($4k) and a loan he took out on his house ($30k).
I used the insurance money to renovate the house and get married and now live in it with my family. I still have some of the toys, and also kept the truck. There was a substantial amount of money left over so I put that into investment accounts and started a college fund for my children.
I have always worked very hard for what I have and managed to work my way up into a really good career by going to school and really putting in a lot of effort. I have never been the type to get in trouble and have a good head on my shoulders.
However, I find it very difficult to have all of these items from my dad. When new friends and people from work find out I have a house, truck, etc., I feel like I am constantly being judged. When they ask about something I say I inherited it, but I always lie and say that I still have a mortgage on the house. For some reason, it seems like people my age look down on me and think less of me because I have all this stuff and didn't have to "pay for it." I wish they would understand that I would trade everything back to have my dad in my life...
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self.offmychest
|
Im at my auntie's condo now. Currently 4:40PM , When im writing this,Im actually pretty surprised cuz everything was so normal,No dramatic shit,No goodbyes...Just my normal hobbies,It was great that it went out this way...I've wrote all kinds of goodbyes and sorry at my room already so they would see it if they go back home later...No one knows that im gonna do it,Im good at pretending lol,But that's good...If i can,I would go to the rooftop..Much better.
Now when we got here,I looked down at the balcony first..It was actually high enough to crack my skull or even break it if i jump head first so instant death...Time is going slower than usual,But you know,At the first time that i looked down to it,It was extremely scary but now it's not that much scary at all after looking at it for a lot of times,I just posted this so i can take out fear off me so i can do it,I've said goodbye to my online friends,Marked an "X" on December 2, 2017 of my calendar which is my last day..This is the first time i decided for myself without holding back,It'll be my first and last sadly...But im tired of all this disorders,Over 5 of em'...And am sick of being a useless guy so there's no point of living...I dont wanna live for my own enjoyment,Even if i want to live,If im just a burden then i'd rather die...
Actually there will be people that'll view this room tommorow so my auntie's cleaning this already,But if the viewers get the word that someone from this room suicided,She'll be hated...See how God give me bad luck?..Even at my last hour,He'll give me pain..But everything will happen at 12:00MD,Im gonna post at that time..And jump..So yeah..
14 past years and 8 future hours left..This is either my 2nd to the last or 3rd to the last post..So i hope ya'll stay active with this "Suicide Report" of mine lol..No one can change it anymore too cuz if i dont do it,I would be embarassed,being alive after all these goodbyes..
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self.SuicideWatch
|
This is why I don't open up to my friends I seriously *hate* talking to my friends about any of my struggles because I feel like I'm burdening them, they could use my weaknesses against me, etc. But the absolute worst is when I actually open up for once and am totally shut down. I was texting my friend and told her I was really sad because the party we were going to was cancelled and it was one of two things I had been looking forward to this month, and I usually only get out of the house once a week to go to therapy. All my friends are away at college, and even when they visit home, they don't want to hang out with me. So this was a huge let-down for me.
 
She just replied with a frowny face. That was it. End of conversation.
 
Why do I even bother trying to open up anymore? DAE feel like this/deal with this?
 
Edit: I didn't mean to imply that I don't like going to therapy every week. I actually really look forward to it, I'm lucky enough to have a therapist that actually seems to care and tries to help instead of being a wall that I talk to. I understand therapy doesn't work for anyone (I've had plenty of terrible therapists) but I'd like to say that I'm happy I've finally found a therapist that works for me and I don't want to ruin that for me by being cynical about therapy. I'm not mad at anybody commenting, just wanted to share this.
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self.depression
|
My bad health isn't something to brag about For my entire life, I've always had pretty bad health problems. I wasn't even supposed to be born, but here I am. Recently, I've had some severe health problems, but I'll spare you most of the details.
Whenever I get sick like this, my mother feels the need to talk to everyone she knows about it. I would be fine with this if she did it for support or advice, but she mostly likes to brag about how I am some sort of "medical miracle" because I often have these uncommon or reoccurring problems.
Personally, I don't like the fact that she talks about everything wrong with me in great detail with people that I don't even know. It feels like an invasion of my privacy, and it makes me extremely uncomfortable.
I wish she would at least ask me if she could tell people before spewing everything she knows about my disease to all of her friends. I've tried talking to her about this before, and even if she says she'll stop, she never does.
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self.offmychest
|
Talk to me, a total stranger, for exactly one hour. No more, no less. [removed]
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self.offmychest
|
Failing my first semester at college and I am having suicidal thoughts I'm currently a freshman in college and its almost the end of my first semester. I'm failing my classes but my parents think I am doing great and my dad told me he will be pulling me out if he sees that my grades are not satisfactory. I tried but didn't get the results I wanted and I'm scared how my parents will react because they expect the best out of me. I have no one to talk to because people have a certain expectation of me. Maybe that sounds pretentious but I honestly feel trapped and I want to jump off a building or something, i dont know. I'm scared about the future and can't see a plan.
I don't know what to do and I just want to end it all.
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self.offmychest
|
Just felt it was about time I opened up somewhere [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Waiting for my dad's birthday to pass and then i'll end it I've been suicidal since the third grade and I have no hope of getting better. Every year has consistently gotten worse.
On Sunday, I'm going to kill myself. I can't do it today because it's my dad's birthday, but two days is enough buffer. It's sad that we've been getting along better but now it has to end.
I'm a 19 year old ugly fat lesbian with two real friends (who will contact me if i don't contact them). I dropped out of college after less than three weeks after trying to kill myself. I have had one (five week) job that I love but other than that nothing to live for.
I'm in love with my best friend (a girl who is a lesbian too) but she just wants to be friends and will never be attracted to me. I'm probably driving her away with the constant need for comfort. She doesn't live near me but she came last week for one day. The day she was here was the best day of my life. The day after was one of the worst because I missed her so much. But she'll never love fat creepy deformed me. I also have an eating disorder and consume large quantities of food when i'm uspet.
I have two therapists and go to DBT group weekly. Nothing is really helping.
All I want is to go back to college and have friends. All my friends from high school have moved on and left me in the dust. I love being in the city. But I sat down to write some supplemental essays and I remembered I can't write an essay to save my life and that's one of the reasons I tried to kill myself.
Every day I stay home and go on tumblr and reddit and instagram. That's all my life is. Sometimes my dad takes me to a hockey game. That's about all the stimulation I get.
My best friend and one of my therapists says I need to commit to something. Commit to working out. Commit to cutting out gluten. Commit to writing these essays. But I can't.
And that's why I need to kill myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
MY SISTER HAS ANXIETY MY SISTER 11 IN 6TH GRADE IS HAVING A ROUGH TIME AS HER FIRST YEAR AT THIS SCHOOL SOMETIMES PEOPLE LIKEE HER AND SOMETIMES THEY DON'T AND SHE FEELS BAD ABOUT GOING TO SCHOOL. SHE HAS ANXIETY AND TAKES PILLS FOR IT. SHE ALSO COMES HOME CRYING TO MY MOM AND SAD. I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO DO AT HOME SO DON'T SAY ANY OF THAT BUT ANY TIPS FOR HER AT SCHOOL AND NOT ANY OBVIOUS ONES. NEED ANSWERS ASAP PLZ.
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self.Anxiety
|
Busybodies I hate busybodies. People who judge, try to control, and gossip badly about others but would not actually be able to last one day in their shoes. I think these are the people with the lowest level of intelligence.
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self.offmychest
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New here & Newly Dianosed I just wanted to say hello to everyone here. I'm a 32f, wife, and stay at home mom.
I have been newly diagnosed bipolar two months ago and am still getting my meds adjusted. Currently on two different anti-psychotics and an anti-depressant. Also a dual-diagnosed alcoholic in recovery. I'm honestly relieved with my diagnosis because FINALLY my behavior is explained and now getting under control with the proper medication and therapy. I typically had hypomanic symptoms with a few full-blown manic episodes toward the end there. Let me tell you, I am so relieved to be (for the most part) off of that roller coaster.
But, as I have said, it hasn't been that long since I've been diagnosed, and I think it's finally actually hitting me that I do have a serious mental health diagnosis. I started researching up on it, but I feel a bit isolated because I don't really know of any one I can talk to who is going through the same thing I am. So here I am, reaching out for some support, even if it is just to say "hi."
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self.bipolar
|
Tried a new type of Magnesium supplement, Magnesium L-Threonate, works well Just wanted to share.. I've tried various types of magnesium in the past and never noticed any real effect.. however Magnesium L-Threonate supposedly is the only one that crosses the blood brain barrier readily, and I can definitely feel it work its magic after 30 mins to an hour.. and it doesn't have the dopey/druggy side effects that herbal supplements or even prescriptions do. Just wanted to share, got the Now brand version called "Magtein" off of amazon. After meditating consistently for months, the smell of lavender oil and this magnesium are all that i need anymore at my worst.
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self.Anxiety
|
I cant stop worrying... This is just absurd. I am so afraid of heart conditions or death itself that everything sets me on panic. Yesterday I woke up with a Sore Throat, the kind where you feel something is stuck and you just can't get it out. I went to work, had a couple of what I think are palpitations, but finished the day normally. Today I wake up with a feeling of dread and doom and death. Mild pain on the left side of my chest which feels muscular maybe. Some nausea which is not something weird considering I have digestive problems and can't give up coffee. A really mild fever, I don't even know if I should call it a fever. I feel feverish, but to the touch I am not warm enough.
Most of this things I know might not be serious. I am like a dust detector. When there is dust around the allergy attacks my throat and it feels just like this and I need to clean up my room a bit. I have gone to the cardiologist several times in the past and they tell me everything is fine. Still after a year or two of going to doctors. I start worrying again and it takes a heavy toll in my daily life. It does not allow me to concentrate. I take care of myself, but I am so afraid of dying is not even funny.
Guys, I do not know what to do. I wanted to go to the doctor, but I don't want to pamper my anxiety.
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self.Anxiety
|
Finally have a plan to get better, and I'm sticking to it. I just wanted to tell someone, but I saw the doctors the last 2 days and they told me I needed to go back on medication. They had taken me off the medication in August. I picked up my pills last night and have already started treatment. I have appointments booked to see them in a month again for a check up, to see if it's working or needs tweaking. I finally feel proud of myself.
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self.depression
|
I love it when people go out of their way to do something nice [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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As far as I'm aware of, I've only been happy once. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I had three friends. It's been a few years since I moved here and funnily enough, I still don't know a single person. I really love being around people, but nobody likes being around me. I know I'm constantly afraid of everything, my will eventually nervousness start taking over and tears start to well up. Everyone looks at me like a broken human being.
2017 is almost coming to an end and almost every single year since I've moved here, I make a promise to myself to at least befriend someone. So far, that hasn't happened. There's really no one I can blame but myself. I want to know someone. I want to stand next to them and be brave enough to speak and laugh. I want to feel someone's touch.
Growing up, I didn't have any friends. My sister was my closest friend but it was never mutual. She has her own life now and that makes me really upset. I want to talk to her, but she has always seen me more as an annoyance than anything else. There's no one I get more jealous of than her friends. She's my only sister, I've known her my entire life. It's just kind of painful knowing that someone will always be closer to her, always know more about her than I do. I'm barely in her life these days.
But I guess the main thing I really wanted to talk about would be a friend of mine.
I really want to be more than friends with him, but that's never happening. Even though he was the first and only person in this world to confess to liking me. I know I'm a bit pathetic and hopeless, all I wanted was to be with him even when he was obsessed with someone else. All I ever wanted was his attention. All I ever wanted was to be important in his life.
One of the problems I always struggled with having friends was always how one-sided it was. They would be the most important person ever to me, but I'm hardly a blip in the history of their lives. No matter how much I trusted someone, it always pained me to know that I can never be as important in their eyes. They would always have a deeper, greater, shared history with someone else. Something that I will never experience.
As time goes by and as I get older, people's lives will only become more established and I'd never make as big of an impact. I'll always be someone that they know, not someone that they trust.
Anyways. I really really liked him. I know that his life wasn't the easiest but it didn't matter, he would always comfort and cheer me up. I know I'm selfish, but there's nothing more that I crave than attention from him. And I admit to fishing compliments from him. Nobody ever says anything positive about me in life. It makes me feel wanted and important. It's stupid, but it made me happy.
The problem is, I don't know where he went. I don't know what happened to him. He hasn't responded in months. I haven't seen him ever since. Almost every week since he disappeared, I'd stay up at night messaging some bullshit to him, trying to call him. There was never any response.
But I trust him enough to not just leave without an answer. I just want to desperately know what happened to him. I've searched all I can. No answers.
I'm actually scared. I know he always had a history of depression and suicidal tendencies. And where we last left off, he was not in the best place in life. I guess that might be understating things.
I'm afraid that he decided to go without even telling me. I thought that I was important enough to him to warrant a message.
I don't know why, I feel like I've failed him. I thought I was better than this, I thought I could make him stay. I thought that if he had me, everything will be fine. But I guess, just like before, I've been overestimating my own importance in someone else's life. I'm really a nobody.
I know that he will never be with me, but I like dreaming about that. These days, I'm just worried if he's even alive.
He's not in my life anymore. I had three friends in my life. Now I have two.
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self.offmychest
|
Untreatable GAD? I have had GAD, depression, insomnia, and ADHD for a long time now. I have been to many psychiatrists and councelors. I have tried probably the vast majority of SSRIs, SNRIs, benzos, mood stabilizers... so many things. I have also tried plenty of herbal and even traditional chinese medicine remedies. I have tried accupuncture and meditation. I take my vitamins.
I am at my wits end here.
The GAD is by far the worse. I get so many symptoms from it such as anger, irrationality, full body tingles, twitching, knots in muscles, headaches, etc. Out of everything that i have tried, the only things that work at all are benzos and alcohol. I took benzos until I got a complete tolerance to them. At this point I switched to booze and again got a tolerance. It now takes a LOT of alc to chill me out, and my wife and pdoc are having a fit about it, so i quit that too.
So now what? I feel like i am out of options. I am so miserable and uptight all the time. My life is actually pretty good otherwise. There is nothing in particular stressing me out. It just sort of builds throughout the day until i cant take it anymore. Has anyone else dealt with seemingly untreatable anxiety? What did you do about it?
Edit: i have been tested for all kind of vitamin/mineral deficiencies, as well as thyroid and testosterone (guy here) multiple times and everything always comes back normal.
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self.Anxiety
|
My Boyfriend opened up to me about how bad his depression is, and I don't know what to do or how to help [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Does anyone feel like their anxiety is much higher in the morning? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Became rude and honest especially when someone is pissing me off I have no problem at work to tell the truth face to face in the worst possible way that the person will never talk to me again. I hate people, especially guys who should be grown but they are like kids.
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self.depression
|
No one's gonna tell me what to do or I'm gonna be pissed [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I have an arm twitch, is it permanent? Hey friends!
So I've only recently gotten anxiety and I also struggle with depersonalization, but it's gotten a lot better. I've been super grateful about that, and I feel like I've really begun to get my life back. Throughout my "journey" my arm always jumps. It's kind of like a spasm, or twitch. Sometimes it's only a little bit, sometimes it just doesn't stop. It usually acts up when I try to sleep or relax. The thing is, even if I have minimal anxiety on any given day, it doesn't go away. I feel like it always just keeps me on edge, it doesn't hurt but it's pretty violent sometimes. I also wonder if anyone in my classes sees it and thinks I belong in a mental ward.
It's nothing serious or life-threatening, and I don't think it could spiral me into a panic attack but damn is it annoying. Makes me pretty self-conscious at times. Is there anything I can do that would help my situation? Or do I just have a permanent tic? I've been wondering whether or not it's something to do with a muscle spasm or it's more of my own brain making me do it. If anyone has any advice, or experiences the same thing, please let me know.
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self.Anxiety
|
The BP guilt of being happy I’m trying to practice being present and not anticipating what joy is or isn’t going to turn into.
I recently started titrating off my meds and was very aggressively confronted by my own overwhelming excitement in a way that left me feeling ashamed for having thought that the BP might have been healed. I woke up today feeling really sad and it took me a bit to realize it was over this. But we all have limits right?
I hope everyone here knows that if you’re feeling happy and scared or ashamed or like you are fucking up somehow, you’re not alone and there’s someone who understands how mania as Carrie Fisher said: can leave you peerless in a state of excitement which you cannot turn off.
I really miss talking to you guys here and am gonna try to post more often, it was really here that I felt understood for the first time and I hope that continues to be the case for everyone who comes here.
|
self.bipolar
|
I feel stupid for getting my hopes up when applying to a job The situation is a little complicated to explain., but I tried.
*TLDR; applied to job I thought I was qualified for, got my hopes up, turns out I’m not qualified, now feel dumb for getting excited.
The gist of what happened is I applied for a part time job that seemed like a great fit. I’m a PhD student and I’ve been trying really hard to find a research position so I don’t have to be a teaching assistant anymore. A part time job designed for a student was posted. I had all the qualifications listed in the job description, it was in a lab I would be thrilled to work in, and I had previously been in contact with the lab asking if I could volunteer my time to do similar work. I could be paid to do something I wanted to do anyway!
After applying and a couple weeks go by, I have an interview with hiring faculty. She explains the job a bit more. It sounded great. Then she flat out says “I don’t think you’d be a great fit, I don’t think you have the necessary skills at this point in your training. If we don’t get anyone else more qualified, maybe we will need you, but probably not.”
She is correct, she was polite, she’s just speaking the truth. Why would they hire someone who needs to learn the skills when they could have someone who is good to go?
I feel so deflated. I’m angry at myself for getting so excited about this job before I even got an interview. I wish I could stop being like that every time I apply for something.
|
self.offmychest
|
How do I not be a terrible girlfriend while depressed? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
My fiancee and I uprooted our lives to care for my mom after her major surgery, and I am now living a nightmare. Backstory: My mom got throat cancer from ~50 years of chain smoking and binge drinking every single day. It was small enough and it hadn't spread yet, so an operation was all that was needed. They told her 7-10 days in the hospital and maybe a month of recovery. I told my mom I'd stay with her until she was better. My wonderful fiancee promised to support me every step of the way.
Surgery was a success. My mom was cancer-free. Two days into her week-long stay, she got pneumonia, got put on a ventilator, and we thought she was going to die. She came out of it a week later, got to eat food and drink water, aspirated, and got put on a ventilator again. Complication after complication. She spent three months in the hospital.
The whole time, my fiancee traveled 2.5 hours one way every weekend to visit me and fix up my mom's house. Cleaned out a laundry room full of mouse shit, washed all her laundry, threw out trash, scrubbed smoke residue from the walls, put up pictures of my mom's family, installed air fresheners, and really turned it into a home. Night and day. She also supported me emotionally through my mom's ups and downs and supported my mom herself, getting her every last thing she needed in the hospital inc. tweezers, a mirror, photos of home, smoothies, shakes, and other treats as she was allowed to have them. Pictures of our dog, although we had to put her down before my mom could get out of the hospital. My fiancee moved heaven and earth so I could be here for my mom and so my mom would have a place to come home to at the end of this.
And my mom came home after at least a dozen separate complications where I was sure she would die in a hospital bed. She was very happy. She was cancer-free, smoke-free, booze-free for three months and finally coming home. She got sent home with a feeding tube and 12 medications to take round the clock. I set alarms to remind myself to give her antibiotics at 3 in the morning, thyroid at 6, urinary med at 10, change feeding tubing every two days, pain patch every three days, wound dressing every day, etc, etc. I had a panic attack in the middle of the night because I gave her an extra iron pill and thought I poisoned her and my fiancee talked me through calling poison control and realizing everything is fine.
We got takeout the first few days. We were happy. My fiancee did the lion's share of housework and I worked from home. Then the facade started to crack. My fiancee got off-brand groceries and my mom complained she wanted some of those name brands. Okay, let's get name brands. The store we shop at doesn't always have name brands. This happened again a second time where we got really generic stuff and my mom was really upset about it. This coincides with her psychological addictions to cigarettes and booze were heating up, although her chemical dependencies went away in the hospital.
My mom called my fiancee a control freak, Ms. Perfect, a penny pincher, bossy, and the b-word. But to me, not to my fiancee. So I had to play peacekeeper. Mind you, this is after two weeks of telling my fiancee, "My mom wasn't happy with this, so can we do this differently? Can you not do this around my mom? Can you not make this face around my mom?" My fiancee was totally cooperative the whole time and made every last change, but it wasn't good enough. Finally my mom went off yesterday and my fiancee was shaking and in tears. We went to bed last night 15 feet away from my mom (close quarters in her small house) and woke up this morning.
Our plan was to move from our house in another city to the city where my mom lives (and the rest of my family) to be a support. I told my fiancee let's forget about that now, and my fiancee offered to go back to our packed up house and stay there since she wasn't welcome here. I said maybe that would be best for everyone.
My mom gave a halfhearted apology this morning for being awful and hurtful yesterday. My fiancee thanked her but was still respectfully neutral and not very friendly to my mom yet, and understandably. I explained to my mom that she just needed time to recover from how mean she was yesterday and she couldn't flip a switch and make everything okay. Not good enough for my mom. Blowout fight between them (with my fiancee still remarkably restrained and not being mean back to her) and my mom ended up saying, "I was so wrong about you. I'm so disappointed, and I'm sorry for you that this is gonna be your life." (Talking to me.) My fiancee had packed up essentials but my mom said "Tell her to get all her shit out of here and whatever she forgets I'm throwing in the trash."
My fiancee was in tears and I wanted to go with her back to our house in our city, but my family is already caring for two ailing grandparents in their 90s. I feel like nobody else can stay with her over the next two or three months and care for her adequately, replace her tube feedings and administer meds, and I feel like I'm trapped here with an increasingly vitriolic addict mother and away from my fiancee. The fact that I love my mom, and one tiny shred of sympathy that she must be suffering, along with my fiancee encouraging me to stay and that she can figure out our finances and take care of our pets, convinced me to stay here. But I fucking hate it. I told my mom if she's going to say cruel things about my fiancee then I'd be gone and we agreed not to talk about it. But she's badmouthing her now that she's gone, like I knew she would.
I'm literally in hell. I love my mom, flawed and bitterly unhappy person that she is, and I love my fiancee because she's a great person who's been emotionally and physically abused in her life and is still such a light in other people's lives, and I want to be with her. And I'm spending my life with her, not my mom. But my mom might not have much longer in this world, especially since she's probably going to go back to drinking and smoking, and she has cirrhosis and will probably get cancer again if she goes back to her old ways.
I feel like I'm being crushed between two iron walls right now with no escape. I seriously considered throwing myself in front of a (slow-moving) car or truck to land myself in the hospital, just so I could have a break from this. I also briefly entertained the thought of ending my own life but I will not do that now, because my fiancee makes me so happy and we love each other so much. I want to build a life and a family with her. I want to live. Even though we're both flat broke with college debt and she's going to work fast food for the time being, and I'm going to work my fingers to the bone in my mother's dining room working from home to make every penny I can to pay our bills. I want to live and be with her. Meanwhile, my mom feels like I'm taking her side, like I'm betraying her and letting myself be manipulated, and that I "just don't see it now but you will someday." But my fiancee is still in my life and she makes me want to keep on living.
But living is so goddamn hard with no money, no hope, no fiancee here with me, and when only one of the two people I love most in this world even want to be near me.
EDIT: Please ignore my username, it was a throwaway I made a long time ago. Although it made me smirk and hopefully it does the same for someone else.
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self.offmychest
|
How much of this is my made up bullshit? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
My head is fucking toxic Just when everything is going good in a relationship i have to look for signs and overthink everything to the point where i’m convinced they hate me or something. I don’t know what to do anymore, i’ve been taking benzos to manage it but i don’t want to take any right now because i know that it can lead to addiction super easy.
I just want to be able to be normal, i can’t be with someone without my head fucking everything up.
|
self.Anxiety
|
You are not yourself anymore So after i had depression (I don’t know if I have or not) it feels like someone else is doing alll these things, it’s not me. I know I don’t want to do something but somehow something inside me will tell me to do it. I can’t make decisions properly and will always regret things I have done on hindsight. Friends have been reaching out to me but somehow they got sick of me being this way I guess and have stopped talking to me. I guess I’m ashamed to meet them too . I have a blog where I post all my rants and this friend read it for over 5 years and I read hers too. But I haven’t been involved in her. Life as was too caught up in my own. I wrote in my blog all my innermost thoughts about how seeing other ppl going through shit makes me feel better and I guess she saw my true colours of being a shitty person. She privated her blog then and I can’t read it it’s like she wants to keep me out of her life already.
Also I keep sleeping at 4am because the night is when I start feeling everything and start reflecting and ruminating.
I always retract my decisions and stutter. I apply for jobs and I’m not confident that I’ll get in or be able to do anything. I just apply. Then I’ll postpone the interview date. And then I’ll attend anyway. And get rejected after going for the interview.
Life is a muddle and my brain can’t really think straight? Also my psychiatrist is asking me how I’ve been getting on and my everyday life activities in such a stoic manner. He records all the things on a piece of paper. I tell him I don’t know how to explain what I’ve been feeling or going through and he tells me ‘oh try to explain’ and I don’t think he really cares at all. It’s hard.
|
self.depression
|
To 2017: The year with the most highs and lows I have had so far. Thank you and fuck you. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
texts so everyday at 3pm i get a text from snapple facts because i like reading them. but i always forget i have it so i always think it’s a person that wants to talk or some other unrealistic thing. it gets my hopes up then when i look at it .2 seconds later my hopes are crushed and i’m debating if i should just cancel the snapple facts because i don’t like going through that. what should i do
|
self.depression
|
Just sent off an email and now I'm shaking I have deleted it from the sent section. I can't even. The reason I'm freaking out is because the people I sent it to are pretty fancy people. Ugh. I think I made a couple of typos.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Increasing Medication Dosage I went in and had a chat with my doctor last week, she decided we should try increasing the dose of my anxiety medication to see of that will get me feeling balanced again. I'm just not enjoying this initial stage of going up a dose at all, I've broken down sobbing at work twice and having to ask people to come stay with me because I don't want to be feeling sad and alone.
I guess I'm just looking for a bit of support and positive encouragement while I get through the rest of this adjustment phase.
|
self.Anxiety
|
so tired of fucking up my life Background:
21F
I have binge eating/purging issues and I'm on the heavier side of my disorder right now being 5' 2" and 185 lbs. I've been rejected from relationships so many times because of my weight and I can't seem to stop binging and restricting.
I used to be really pretty and athletic then depression and injuries hit, and I gave up my career that I loved.
I make very little money about $1200 a month and barely survive because of my medical expenses that I pay out of pocket. My mother is crazy, and continually tells me that there is no hope for this world. She used to hit and yell at me and I have anxiety panic attacks and depression, but I can't get help for them because I don't qualify for insurance.
I'm a web dev person and net neutrality is slowly killing me because I wanted to grow my freelancing business and travel the world but I don't have enough money to do most anything. My grandmother is dying and my father is a deadbeat who never calls.
Everything else is dying - the world we're killing and the US government wants to take away our rights now, so why not slit my throat?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
You Left Without Saying Anything We had met back in April 2017 online on a game. It was a teens game that I check on once in a while. I saw you. We started talking. You told me that you recently just started playing again. We chatted through online messages almost everyday.
Then, in mid May, we added each other on Snapchat. We would message through there consistently. It wasn’t until a week later after adding you on Snapchat that we decided to reveal our faces. I was already attracted from the way we had our conversations already. Then seeing your face, I fell for you even more. Crazy enough, being the shy and quiet girl that I am, I had asked you if you wanted to video call.
Our first video call started from 6pm-4am. And hadn’t changed ever since we started calling and video calling each other. We talked for hours every time we video called. We would hang up at 4am and it would be 6am for you since you’re two hours ahead of me. I loved every moment. You made me so, so happy. Filled with laughter. And for once, I was comfortable being around a guy.
On May 10th, we had confessed our feelings for each other as we had video called. But, you didn’t ask me out. You made it clear that you didn’t want me to ask you out and you said you felt like you should be the one to. You said you were waiting for the right time. Which I was fine with. It just meant I had to wait.
Near the end of May I had gone on a family vacation for a week so I decided to give you my phone number. We texted everyday, replying quick to one another. And when I got back to my hotel room each night, we would video call. Every single day. It was the peak of it all. I loved our conversations. It can be goofy and random to deep talks about the future next. We would talk about our plans as individuals and plans when starting a family. And everything in between. Even our dream wedding. In those topics we didn’t specify it would be between us. Just what we wanted and saw in our life. Talking to you about our goals in life made me realize we both wanted the same things in life. That gave me this small amount of hope where maybe it was meant to be. Us.
I had came back home from vacation and suddenly the mood changed. You abruptly told me that you and your dad had rented out a cabin to stay so you. could clear your mind. You told me that work had been stressing you out lately. I understood and decided to step back. Texting you 2 times a week just to check up on you. But for the 3-5 weeks that you were away, I only got a reply once or twice. You told me you weren’t ignoring just me. You weren’t talking to anybody. Just needed to clear your head. At this point, we weren’t talking anymore.
From June to mid June I had texted you 1-2 times a week asking about us. Because you hadn’t acknowledged what was happening between us. If there was even still an us. We haven’t been the same since I got back from vacation. After many read and seen texts by you, you replied in a long lengthy paragraph explaining us. You reassured me that the feelings were still mutual. You said you had strong feelings for me. You said you wanted us to be together. You explained that the reason you hadn’t responded was because you were feeling stressed because I was asking about us too much. You said that you didn’t want to lose what we had and that we should just take it easy. Otherwise the stress of talking about us will feel forced.
You had quit your job at the fire station because of how stressful and exhausting it was. Which is why you wanted to get away with your dad to discuss your future plans as an adult and how you could make a living for yourself since at this point you didn’t have a job. I was asking about us too much and you were busy dealing with the process of joining the Navy, it was a lot to take on. I didn’t even know you had planned to join the Navy. You had known for two months. You messaged me telling me you were in the process of joining the Navy the night when you were in a hotel getting ready for MEPS the next day.
You told me you didn’t how to go about us. I went to say how an LDR can’t affect me too badly from being separated from you as we haven’t even met in person yet. I would just miss talking to you. I had told you trust and communication is the key to any successful relationship. I wanted to reassure you that I’d be faithful to you while you would be away at sea. You said you understood and that you would be faithful too.
After everything was sorted out, it was already August. We had begun talking again, video calling, and having phone calls with each other. Everything was back to normal.
We started talking about how we’ll communicate while you’ll be in boot camp this upcoming January since you’ll be restricted from using your phone. Since you would only be able to send letters, I decided to give you my address. But only after you had shared me yours. You wanted to make it less awkward and more comfortable for me even though I would have no use for you address since you’ll be away.
Then you went on to say that once you’re out of boot camp and all settled with your job, you would take leave to visit family and said you wanted to see me. You wanted to fly to me and visit me around Spring or Summer. I was so excited and happy to see us planning everything. You seemed genuinely happy and wanted to come see me. But, at this point, it still wasn’t official. It was already September and you still hadn’t asked me out.
In mid September, your brother came home from the Navy to visit you and your family. At one point while video calling each other, you told me that when your brother and you are free, you said you wanted to introduced me to him. Which made me think that this could lead to bigger things. Maybe us finally being us. Because I thought to be introduced to a family member would be a big deal. But that video call never happened.
When your brother came to visit, you started to become distant again. Leaving me on unread and little to no replies.
From September to October you ignored me. You had only responded two times. You apologized each time saying that you had a lot of stuff going on and that you would explain later. I didn’t understand. You said you were so busy, yet you had time to read my snaps, you were active on snap messaging somebody else, ignored my texts, and you were active on Instagram liking girls photos.
Confused and hurt, I didn’t understand why you just couldn’t reply or at least say hi. Maybe I was being a pest for constantly texting you.
On October 30th, I messaged you on snap seeing as you recently were active on it. Said hi and asking if you were ever going to explain and if everything is ok. A few minutes later I decided to open up Snap and saw the blue arrow had turned gray. My heart sank. I tried messaging you again through Snap hoping it was a mistake. But you had unfriended me. Panicking, I started to text you. You read my text and I didn’t get a response. I sent another text, but this one did not go through. In my last attempt, I tried to DM on Instagram. You proceeded to block me. And I haven’t heard from you since. No reason as to why you did what you did. It was like, you were waiting for me to message you one last time before you decided to block me on everything. You instantly blocked me after opening up the messages.
I still don’t understand why you did this. You knew my feelings for you were real. Back in the beginning when we first started talking as friends, you were shocked to hear I have never dated anyone before. Then you go on to tell me that what ever guy I end up with, he’ll know my feelings for him are true. That’s how I felt about you. So for you to suddenly block me on social media and out of your life after spending 6 months talking to you, I was heartbroken. Maybe it’s dramatic. I don’t know. But I had never liked a guy before until I met you. And you knew that. You knew that you were the only guy I had an interest in, and you were the only one I was talking to.
I wake up each day thinking I’ll get a message from you. An explanation or something. I didn’t want to be left like this. I reminisce about our past texts and video calls. I miss you. I keep thinking and hoping you’ll come back. I know maybe I should let go, but, I don’t want to. I don’t want to believe all those countless hours of video calling were for nothing. You said you felt like we were suppose to meet. You said you’d never leave. You said you would always talk and explain. You said that you would always tell me if you’re ever mad at me. You promised to be honest. But it all came down to this. So many unanswered questions and I’m left feeling broken.
Maybe someday I’ll get over you. But deep down I don’t want to. I’m left here feeling sad, broken, and maybe it is all of my fault. I was a pest for bothering you so much.
I confided in a friend even though I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to feel alone and struggling anymore. But she was no help. She told me that I should be hating you, not care about you, and move on. But, I don’t think I could ever hate you or not care about you. As delusional or crazy that may sound. I can’t hate a person. Especially not you. You meant so much to me and still do. I don’t know how or when I’ll move on from you, I’m scared to let go. I wanted you.
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self.offmychest
|
Waking Up, Back to Sleep I've been dealing with integrating a lot of small truths for a while to make sense of all the pain I feel. I built the story of why I want to kill myself for a long long long time because I think I need some very good reason. The truth is I just felt like it, because I do what I want. It's terrifying to realize you made all your mistakes because you wanted to. I needed to end up in this rough a state to get through that. Self-sabotage is a hell of a trip. I think killing myself is selfish because I think living my life is selfish. I've been surveying my own inadequacy this whole time, and finally decided that I deserve to die. It's been a long long trial and I feel very guilty. I have always been the judge. It's okay it's okay it's okay. Everything is okay. Nothing is okay. Nothing I've done has been okay. its chill its chill calm down. What am I saying? Is this a story about myself or a story about how shitty I feel? Do I have enough money yet? Do I have enough freedom yet? Am I the master of my domain? Did I figure it out yet? Sure, why not. Is this a eulogy or a suicide note or self-reflection? Surewhynot. Of course. I know everything so of course I'm worthless and deserve to die. I knew it from the beginning! I'm so fucking smart! I figured it out before anyone else! I tricked everyone into thinking I'm worthwhile!!!!!!!!!!!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I'M A PIECE OF SHIT wait I went there already. Everyone who dies is great. Make America Great Again. Make Death Great Again. Make Life Great Again. IF LIFE ISN'T GREAT WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE OH SHIT IT'S A CONSPIRACY TO MAKE US ALL SAD! GOD DOESN'T WANT ME TO EXIST, OR SOMETHING! Isn't holding yourself accountable basically death? I don't want bad things to happen to me and that pisses me off because I *should* want bad things for myself. I want to learn something already.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
When i feel like self-harming I do intense exercises that hurt [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Why do all I do is annoy peopel I am so tired of feeling alone and yet whenever I talk to people I end up somehow annoying them. It sucks not being able to meet new people and now even if they do like me I don't believe them.
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self.depression
|
Can you be successful with this diagnosis? I'm struggling keeping a job that I really enjoy at a veterinary teaching hospital. My coworkers are great people and I get to talk to some really fun clients and their pets everyday. But I still feel like this monster is lurking in my head just waiting to steal it all away when I'm least expecting it. Can people be successful in the work place with this? I guess I need some success stories to feel hopeful again.
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self.bipolar
|
How is it physically possible I can stay awake for 4 days and not feel tired? I know hypomania less sleep blah blah blah but I mean seriously, it's fucked, how does my body not just shut down?
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self.bipolar
|
What do I do Hi.
I want to end it. I'm thinking up ways to do it. I want to sit in a bath and just open my veins, fade into a warm sleep. My mother will be sad sure, but at least I'd be free of this hellhole. I sit all day on my bed just watching videos and trying desperately to fix things but I can't fix it. I've struggled for so many years with low self esteem and most of my life I've faced some kind of shit that I couldn't overcome.
If I keep going I know I'll wind up in some shitty marriage with kids i don't want and thinking back to my wasted youth.
If I could fix my situation, what should I do? This pain is so bad. It's like a limbo.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Had the worst mental breakdown in a while On friday I had the worst mental breakdown in a while. I suffered from heavy anxiety and was really restless in my body. My chest felt like it was exploding, my heart rate was fast for the whole evening but I had a good night gaming with friends. It was the first weekend without my girlfriend, because we were both busy. But there it is: I trust people very quick, but I also have trust issues. My girlfriend did something a few months ago - when we weren't even in a relationship yet - and I still can't forget it. I'm anxious she's doing it again 'cause of her adhd and other mental stuff. But on the other hand, she is so nice to me and want me to trust her in every way.
Then, after the night playing games and drinking beer I broke. I was listening to Solitude from Black Sabbath and started crying. I cried so hard - that was really long ago - and felt if I was no one. Grabbed a knife and cut in my hand and chest.
I didn't know what to do, my girlfriend was partying and didn't want to disturb her. We needed some space after so many weekends together, and still she's quite short in messages (that is most of the time quite normal for her). But I still didn't tell her that I broke and cut myself.
What do I do next time? Call her, call other people or just cry until it's over? It's so hard to disturb people in these situations..
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self.bipolar
|
Punching myself right now. Long story short. I've fucked up. Big time! Just feel like I need to vent.
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self.depression
|
Fapping is my escape. This is gonna sound very weird but fapping is my only escape. I feel like when i fap to these hot women online, it's a sense of making me feel like a pathetic loser. Just in my small apartment just myself making stupid orgasm noises under my breath while some porno video plays. Afterwards I just feel empty. What now? It just makes me feel that women are better than me. It's a strange logic of mine.
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self.depression
|
Please talk me out of it, I’ve never been so close to doing it [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I've spent so long not having anyone to talk to At this point I don't even want to talk to anyone anymore.
I just have this ache that won't ever go away.
And talking about it has never helped.
I keep telling myself that I'll find someone who I can talk to and feel better.
Like there's someone out there that makes me feel whole.
But there's no one out there who wants someone with a hole in them.
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self.depression
|
Feeling my pulse in head and back I've been struggling with skipped beats for awhile, but over the last couple of days I can't even lay down without feeling my pulse in my head and in my back from time to time. I Googled this and all kinds of crazy results came about irregular, fatalistic heart rhytms. My anxiety has pretty much been completely heart related for the last year or so. I have a cardiologist appointment on the 10th, but this pulse in my head and back is driving me ot the point of once again returning to the ER, which makes me anxious as well because I've grown so tired of constantly going to the ER, being told it's nothing and then leaving only to return to my anxious mind. Of course, I'm glad they have yet to find anything...but every time I get the urge to go to the ER I think "This is the time they find something." and it's utterly exhausting. The 10th is still two weeks away and I just have the really bad feeling something will happen before then, or I'll end up freaking about going back to the ER, which I really, really dread. I need advice on what to do. Should I go back? I was last there last week and had EKG again and blood test, X-Ray done. Everything apparently was normal. Could something have changed in such a short period of time? I wasn't feeling my pulse everywhere like this last week. :(
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self.Anxiety
|
I don't feel fine at all... Instead of feeling fine, I feel like a waste of space, a puppet just being used by this Earth to be alive. I've had suicidal thoughts for a day or two. I don't want to end it all, it's just so fucking hard, and it sucks.
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self.depression
|
Depression after accomplishing things So I feel like I've been doing a lot better with my depression and anxiety recently. I can usually sleep at night, and I'm able to derive some pleasure from music and other things I like again. But the one thing that always makes me feel bad again is accomplishing goals. For instance, whenever I finish writing a piece of music I feel depressed afterwards. Even when I turn it in to my professor and he says it's great. Also, I just finished a very difficult semester with lots of classes, and I feel really empty. It's sort of like the end of "The Graduate" every time I do anything. Any thoughts would be appreciated.
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self.depression
|
I think I’m on the way up even though I just came down from one episode. Common, possible? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
Where did over thinking even come from? The world is very complicated. If you haven't reached a personal utopia, you haven't over thought enough.
The purpose I'm trying to say is that over thinking and anxiety has a method to its madness.
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self.Anxiety
|
Anxiety is receiving a message from somebody on a dating app you kinda like, but refusing to open the app to view it bc you’re terrified of what the message might say I’ve had that [1] notification on my home screen for like two weeks now and I feel terrible because I don’t want to hang them up but at the same time I can’t bring myself to click and read it.
So I guess if you’re out there reading this, wondering what happened to the 5’5 dude from New York you were messaging, now you know!
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self.Anxiety
|
I know I post a lot, but can I please die now? Something just kill me. I beg you.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Starting to hate people I'm starting to loath people to such an extent that I will become fucking dangerous, mark my words. I hate myself the most, but after that? Every single other goddamn person. I loath their success. I loath their intelligence. I loath their stupid fucking children and I loath their fucking grandparents. Hate is all I have left. My life has always been a complete waste. It always will be. The hedonist in me says to bring retribution.
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self.depression
|
I cheated [NAW] I cheated on my current boyfriend 3 times with my ex. I feel bad before I do it, while I do it, and after I do it. I should stop but I know I won't. I should break up with my boyfriend but I'm selfish. I've always been this way. I've cheated on everyone I've ever been with. I honestly don't know why I do it. Before I never felt bad about it but this time I do.
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self.offmychest
|
I was doing so well... Little backstory, I've had pretty severe anxiety for a long time, it seems. Over the summer, my anxiety improved dramatically, and this fall I learned to drive. I did so well that I've been driving myself 45 minutes to and from work (home at/around midnight), and so I've been becoming more confident and branching out into new driving territory.
Today, I was following a friend through town. I ran a red light, lost her, wasn't sure where I was going, almost got ran over, but managed to hold off on a panic attack until the last 5 minutes of the drive after I had a clear idea of how to get where I (hoped) I was headed.
So I got to the parking lot and just lost it.
Edit: I'm back.
So, that's most of the story. I got out of the car, crying, white knuckled, and just kinda... Discouraged. Idk. This is just a recurring theme and I'm tired, guys.
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self.Anxiety
|
The only thing stopping my from blowing my fucking brains out right now is that fact that my parents will be under crippling debt ending my brothers chances of ever going to college [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Procrastination is killing me I have depression and I oftentimes have ideas and plans of how to get myself out of it. Problem is, when it comes time to doing it I never do. If I were to do even half of what I plan to do I would be doing much better life.
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self.depression
|
i honestly wish someone would kill me as an act of suicide, i would consent to it. i just don't know what to do anymore, it all feels numb... i need help, but every time i talk to someone, it never helps. the thoughts always come back. i want to live, but i don't want to, if that makes sense...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Can't relate to anyone. So, I'm still alive. As you probably remember, about a month ago, I posted that I was going to commit suicide. Of course, I'm too much of a coward to go through with it. Besides, things has gotten somewhat better. Anyway, I recently discovered that I can not relate to anyone. Not my parents, not my sister, not my brothers, or my friends. I'm in my own world, and it has it's benefits, but not being able to talk to people about things that interesting me and them, it genuinely sucks. I like peculiar things, so it's easy to see why it's hard for me to relate to anyone. Nothing obscene, but things that people don't normally get passionate about. I can't relate to anyone. Some days it's better than others, but it's caused me to completely shut people out. I haven't had an actual conversation with my sister in months (and we live together), because I don't relate to her on any level, and she talks about herself, and things that only interest her. It's the same with my friends. All my friends talk about is getting fucked and drunk, and smoking weed with boys who don't care about them. My brothers have their own lives going on. But, despite me not being able to relate to them that much, I still relate to my brothers just a bit more than anyone else, since they have first hand knowledge of the things I'm interested in, and I can hold a conversation with them.
I know I sound like a selfish fuck that thinks the world revolves around me. I feel like a selfish fuck for not being able to relate to anyone. But, I guess that's just how it's going to be, huh?
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self.offmychest
|
I am freaking out about my surgery experience and possible discovery. I just got out of a lengthy depression period that I may still be in, the worst is definitely over though. I was in one of my thought-fogs was thinking about my knee surgery I had 2 years ago that I believe was one of the catalysts for my depression on account of not being able to do the outdoor hobbies I love, having to sit on my ass, being in a dull pain and having to painfully do P.T. every day. Then I had the memory of the moment I awoke for the anesthesia. In a daze, the first thing the doctor did after asking me a few generic questions was hand me a pill. It was Oxycontin. Still weary from the anesthesia, I grabbed the pill and a glass of water. Right before I ingested it, I asked the doctor what the pill was. Now, if I didn't ask she wouldn't of told me. I was then on loretab for a few weeks before I started feeling weird and stopped taking it.
That story isn't the main topic but I wanted to give some context. My first question is, do you think that the pain pills could have played a major factor in affecting my brain chemistry causing my depression? I know a friend who always used to laugh like crazy whenever he got hurt. Could the chemicals that are released that keep us from being depressed also have the same inhibitors or receptors or whatever that get closed off by pain pills? The reason I am freaking out is because do you think some doctors suspect this and continue to provide pain pills?? I know the field and subject is extremely theoretical and the study of the brain has been an extremely recent field. The thought that made me scared was that could pain pills be causing the depression epidemic in our society which is the cause of the anti-depressant epidemic in our society? Pills are being given out and their side effects are being combatted by more pills when in reality someone could just deal with the pain without the pills and be happier and better off. I don't really mind pain and would've actually been more motivated to do my P.T. if it had been present.
How many of you reading this took pain pills and where did that event occur on your timeline in relation to your depression?
Edit: apologies for the spelling and Grammer errors but I'm too lazy to change them
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self.depression
|
Anxiety over friendships My best friend A (who in my opinion is the best person ever) recently told me that she is just as close to me as she is to her “other best friend” B. We all are in the same social circle, but I am not as close with B as A is. I constantly am having terrible anxiety (I have an anxiety disorder to begin with) surrounding the fact that A doesn’t like me more than she likes B. This might sound childish, but I really love A and in the past, her coming only to me with her problems and secrets made me feel so important and valued. Now I kind of feel like a third wheel at times, which makes me get so anxious and it just turns into a cycle. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!
|
self.Anxiety
|
Have you ever accidentally acted on false memories from a dream? I sure do!
I just remembered that the reason I was avoiding using an electrical appliance to make me some sandwiches was I dreamed that I got an electric shock off it a month ago. I tested the appliance with a 500v Testel and it passed. No insulation issues. My dream was wrong.
I also remember denting my car from a dream, and nearly calling up a panel and paint place in real life before checking it. My dream was also wrong.
It's like my brain is gaslighting me.It also happens just before a major depressive episode so YAY! I have that going for me.
|
self.bipolar
|
I hope 2018 will be a better year I hope things will get better
I hope I can be normal again
I hope good things will happen to all of us!!
We deserve happiness and we cannot let depression take it from us
Best wishes to all you guys :)
|
self.depression
|
Might kill my self on my birthday My birthday is on the 25 though
I have no reason or a will to live I’m 16 btw
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Is it me, or does everything seem saturated in misinformation? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Antidepressants? Am I even actually depressed? Hey, so I just want to make clear first of all that I have no idea where I'm going with this, it's just one of those nights where I feel completely useless and shit and I can't sleep and sigh... I'm just 17, most of my life consists of being alone and playing videogames. Lately I've been trying to get a grip on things, I seek out help from my high school's psychologist. Been going there for a few months now, it really helps to get your shit off of your chest sometimes. It hasn't really been a pernament solution though, I'm actually doing worse now and I just dropped out of high school. Noone can really help with loneliness, you have to figure it out by yourself eh? Anyways back to the point and the tittle, I got offered antidepressants since the positivity is pretty much non-existant at this point. But I don't even know if I have a legit depression! I mean like I don't feel like depressed...? Yeah I'm sad all the time and life feels pointless and shit but I still feel happy around my pets and I try to fix my issues instead of just giving up. The possibility of becoming more positive with the help of the pills is tempting still though, does anyone who has used them actually recommend them? Sorry for wasting anyone's time who read all this, I'm just a huge mess and don't know what to do.
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self.depression
|
Counselor suggested medication? Really on the fence. Hi everyone! I just found this subreddit and I'm looking for a bit of advice. I've been dealing with anxiety since I was in elementary school (now 23) and didn't realize how not normal this was until today. I've been seeing a counselor for about 4 or so months and she said that if I've been dealing with this for that long then it's a chemical imbalance. My grandmother also has horrible undiagnosed anxiety as well. My counseling office has a doctor that spends hour long sessions talking with patients before prescribing anything. My counselor said the doctor isn't pushy at all.
I don't know anyone who has actually taken medication for anxiety and I'm usually someone who gets to the root of medical issues before medicating. I've heard rough stories from friends about their struggles with finding the right medication for their depression. I'm worried about feeling worse than I already do or dealing with a horrible side effect. I don't want my personality to change or anything.
I'd love to hear some stories about how others have dealt with anxiety medication. I know it varies from person to person, but any recommendations or anything I should steer clear of? What should I expect to feel? Does anyone have any positive experiences from anxiety medication?
In addition, I've also been a little on the fence with this counselor. I feel like she didn't dig super deep into what I was feeling before suggesting medication (I even had to ask how I would know I needed medication). Should i find another counselor first to get a second opinion?
If anyone has any other suggestions for helping anxiety that isn't medication, I'm open to it. I'm trying guided meditation and it seems to be working.
Sorry if this got long or rambly. Thanks for any help.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Happy after waking up and despondent/lifeless several hours later? Does anyone experience anything like this? I have this really really bad today. I’m guessing it has something to do with when I take my meds/caffeine/eating times, but I wanted to see if anyone else experienced it and what you gathered from your experiences?
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self.bipolar
|
Lonley Is causing my depression to deepen, but, not healed enough yet to try socializing or dating. Sigh.
|
self.bipolar
|
friday is here! Words cannot express how I am happy that Friday is here.
If you read my previous post, you would see that I deeply hate my job. All of the stress is super triggering to me.
Now, it is Friday! Thanksgiving Break starts as well! I am going on a trip to visit some friends Saturday-Tuesday night but I am going to be alone on Thanksgiving. I did my trip this way because all of my friends are going to be with their families on Thanksgiving and I don't want to intrude on others family time.
Maybe I will go to the bar and hang out with other people who are alone on Thanksgiving. I could meet some new friends!
|
self.bipolar
|
Dumped on Christmas. It was our second time around after he dumped me on my birthday a few years ago.
hahahaha i hate my life and i'm never gonna find love
|
self.offmychest
|
Cheque Please Seems like we're all the same boat here, just desperately trying to stay afloat and make it to dry land.
I'm just so tired of holding on, things just keep getting worse and worse. Everyday I wake up and wonder what shit will happen today, I'm lucky if I can get through a day without crying/getting yelled at by my boyfriend or others.
I spent New Years Eve alone and crying, and today I'm doing the same thing. I was really hoping my boyfriend would have invited me to his work party today because even just such a small invite would have changed everything today for me. But he said no I can't go. So he's out having fun and he knows I'm suicidal, but doesn't care. Which hurts even more...
Everything just hurts. I wish I didn't feel like this... Wish we all didn't feel like this.
Just had to get that off my chest...
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I really hate myself I don't know what I want and it fucking hurts.
I told my partner of four years that I needed to be alone. I love him, but it doesn't feel like a genuine relationship. It's like we're good friends and nothing more. I get upset over stupid things. I'm not affectionate. We don't even have sex. I feel awful because he wants things to work out and he really loves me, but I can't reciprocate. I hate myself for wanting something else. We've broken up before so I know it's not a healthy relationship. I just keep coming back because I like being comfortable and he makes me feel good. I only get this way when I can't have him. I can't imagine pursuing something else. I need to be alone and figure out my shit. I'm so fucking selfish and I want to die. All I think about is how much I hate living. I don't want to kill myself. I just can't imagine getting through all of this and being happy. Nothing interests me. I'm losing weight because I forget to eat. All I do is work and sleep. School feels pointless. Every day is the same and I feel stuck. I feel like a failure for being this way. I know things will probably get better and I'm overwhelmed. It just fucking sucks. I'm such a piece of shit.
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self.offmychest
|
Waking up is a drag Waking up is a drag. From the moment I woke up this morning I have a sinking feeling. My wife is leaving me and taking the kids. I'm not taking my medicine anymore it was fucking with me too much. I don't want to work I need time to get my shit together but life cones at me full force every morning. I'm going to pack my shit and take off soon or I'm going to blow my god damn brains out.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Sobbing at company toilet because colleagues went to lunch without me They went to lunch without me so I am sobbing in toilet. One colleague saw me crying outside the toilet but didn't say anything. I can think of reasons why they don't ask me but no matter what excuses I think for them it does not help with the feeling of loneliness and helplessness.
Last Tuesday I posted a post about crying at office toilette because lunch situation. I cried on my way home that day, couldn't stop it. Had no napkin. Had to wipe my nose with my sleeves and then when I became uncontrollable I had to wipe it and then stock it in my pocket. Gross. I know. Sorry that it's so gross. Didn't want the victimization but can't help but pity myself. So I called in sick for the next three days and mostly stayed in bed. On Saturday I felt antidepressant kicking in, brushed my teeth, took a shower, did laundry, wrote myself a motivational note and decided to face my job again. After all I can't always cal in sick.
And today all my colleagues went to lunch without me. When I realized it tears couldn't help but poured out, while I was sitting on the office chair. Normally I could always hold to till the toilet. So I went to the toilet and started sobbing somewhat loudly. At one point I wanted to kill myself. But I had one day already inspected all windows on higher floors of my building and they do not open largely enough for a person to squeeze through. Fantasy of suicide has always been an escapism for me but now knowing that the road is closed I have no imaginative outlet. Before being put on medication I used to cry several hours every day, and I thought antidepressants have succeeded in controlling my uncontrollable sobs. Now it just got worse because I am making crying sounds, can't help it. I feel like that I don't have depression and the working situation is what is why I am taking these bad drugs it's not my fault and want to punish my colleagues for doing me wrong, or punish myself, but I know that the problem is neither them nor me but mostly my parents. I just got reminded of how unlovable I felt when I was little and how I don't deserve being taken care of. No rational thinking can help this emotional flashback from coming. But now I am punishing myself by not eating lunch. I just want to say fuck it and go home but can't. Have to work.
I have cut off my family and isolated myself from almost all friends. At home I am also alone, my phone can go days without real people contacting me. I feel bitter at those who chat with friends/family/so on the phone. Now I wonder wether I should change job but my colleagues are actually very easygoing and I'm shy and not good at initiating which won't change if I change job. Mental health is not openly discussed in my country and I fear my colleagues will just think I am a giant spoiled weak sobbing entitled little fuck who crys just because no one hangs out with me. Nobody is supposed to take care of a giant baby at work. I don't know who to talk to either because it feels like a kindergarten issue. Yeah you come here to work and earn money not to be petted like a baby when nobody has lunch with you.
My sobs calmed down while typing. Can now wait for eyes to look normal to go out. Going to paste it to another sub because I really hope someone could talk to me. Thanks in advance if anyone cares.
|
self.depression
|
Why does everyone want you to have gremlins (children)? I dont want to irreversibly fuck up my wife's body multiple times,only to force her to give up a career she loves and stat at home.
I dont wanna spend half a million dollars on some ungrateful shit when I could buy myself a luxury sports car.
With so many people around, who needs kids.
|
self.depression
|
I just want a bullet through my head right now Too bad I don't have the resources and I want it to be quick and painless
|
self.offmychest
|
Stuck thoughts! I've been having stuck thoughts about astrology. Whenever I heat about asttology. I feel intense stress and pressure in my head. I believe astrology makes you who you are so i feel the most intense stress whenever I hear or think about Gemini(I'm an aquarius). I just think they're do awesome. Whenever I see astrology references or anything I feel so much tension and stress. I am a great, joyous, fun, loving person but I am battling with my mind on a daily basis and this thought is preventing me from spiritually progressing. How can I accept/release these thoughts and embrace my true self?? Please don't be rude and provide emotional support.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm emetophobic. My anxiety has peaked in the past year and manifests as nausea, sometimes to the point of vomiting. I don't know what to do. I've always been an anxious person, but in the past year, it's started to hit me hard. I was suffering with some debilitating nausea for months at a time. As an emetophobe, it's been my worst nightmare. All my medical tests came back as normal, so at this point, the only reasonable diagnosis left was anxiety.
I'm on Prozac (today makes one month), and on the whole, I feel much better on it than off. Panic attacks and obsessive thoughts have become a rare occurrence for me. I also have really taken to deep breathing and muscle relaxation, they work wonders.
Unfortunately, I still get really bad days where I'm plagued with awful nausea and nothing works. It's a chicken or the egg thing. I feel anxious, I get nauseous. I feel nauseous, I get anxious. NYE, I was supposed to celebrate with my boyfriend. I sometimes get anticipatory anxiety before seeing him, but it passes immediately once I see him. We went to lunch, I felt fine, but we got back to my place and I started to feel nauseous. I tried sleeping it off, but it didn't work. I then tried my acupressure bands and some deep breathing exercises. Didn't work. Started to feel progressively worse. I didn't feel panicky, but the nausea was dreadful. I tried taking Zofran. Didn't help. I was pretty much at a loss. It got to the point that I had to send my boyfriend home. I vomited shortly after he left.
The thing is, is that isn't the first time I've had extensive plans involving my boyfriend, which ended in me getting sick. The other two incidents were our anniversary, and my birthday. Now, I would vomit outside of these incidents, so it's not completely consistent with that.
But now I feel hopeless. Doctors don't help. They just give me medication that doesn't work. It's been almost a year of this, and I'm exhausted. I've been trying to identify triggers, but it's difficult. University is stressful, but I never really do badly at school, I have a lot of free time to engage in my interests, I've terminated some toxic friendships recently but I also don't have a lot of support systems, I occasionally have a strained relationship with my mom, and I lately have had a lot of personal insecurity in my relationship. It could be any one of those things or all of them. It's hard.
I'm seeing my counselor on Monday, but I'm actually not sure how to broach treatment. I've been seeing her for the past 3 years for problems in interpersonal relationships, but I've never approached her with things related to my mental health like this. Is there anything I should prepare? How do I go about this? Is this even the right thing to do? Am I just going to be like this from now on?
Tldr; Emetophobe tired of her anxiety manifesting as nausea/vomiting. I want to cope better, but there are days where nothing works and I get sick. I feel very depressed and discouraged. Can't pinpoint anxiety triggers. Seeing my counselor soon and I'm not sure it'll help.
|
self.Anxiety
|
First time poster here, and I'm fucking losing it [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Irritable for months: is it SSNRIs? (And why do I need to turn to the internet instead of my doctor?)
I took cymbalta for two months, now Effexor for a week. I've been irritable and on edge constantly. My SO even brought it up, which isn't normal.
Anyone else deal with this? Was it related to SSNRIs for you?
|
self.bipolar
|
How much more does caffeine hit us than normal I am schizoaffective bipolar type.
I had become addicted to caffeine but lost access to it for a few days this week so I just slept for about 16 hours a day. Began drinking it again heavily after that and in the last 4 days my sleep per night has been: 2 hours, 12 hours, 2 hours, none (tonight, but it's only 5 AM so I may still sleep)
I feel like I would never go 2 days in a row with 2 hours or less of sleep before I started experiencing manic episodes. Usually if I only slept 2 hours one night I would be dead the next day and sleep all night. This doesn't feel like mania or even hypomania (no euphoria, not irritable, etc) and I know lack of sleep can be explained by caffeine but is it normal to only sleep 2 hours a night while drinking heavy amounts of caffeine or is it possibly some mild form of mania? Also I have to start college on Wednesday (and be up at 6 AM) so do you guys have any tips for avoiding situations like this (beyond "don't do it" because I know that, lol) or getting unaddicted to caffeine? Finally, how bad is it to drink alcohol on meds like lithium and vraylar, because my doctor has told me not to and I listened to him for a while but I have had some self control issues lately and have gotten drunk a few times which also messes with sleep and makes me pretty depressed the next day (duh!)
|
self.bipolar
|
Does anyone else feel out-of-place? I'm starting to feel like maybe life isn't for everyone. I've been feeling out-of-place every I go. It's almost like feeling homesick but I feel it even when I'm at home. I can handle it now but I'm worried it will grow to be too much. I wouldn't end my life but I don't want to feel like this anymore. I'm 17 so maybe I'm just a little naive in this aspect? Does everyone feel like this at some point?
|
self.depression
|
Asking a teacher for a recommendation I applied for a summer program that I am really looking forward too, however, the last part of the application is a teacher recommendation form. The teacher I want to ask will 100% do it for me, no questions asked but I still can't bring myself to ask him.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I've been single for too long and I can't stand it anymore. I thought I was getting comfortable with this but just within the last month, there has been way too many occasions where a person who I liked ended up already being in a relationship or eventually started seeing someone else. Some of these people, more specifically the ones that eventually got into a relationship, I was talking to before with at least some promise, even hooking up, but I've been single for 4 years now and can't stand this shit anymore. I am graduating college in May as well and feel like its gonna get even harder after that. I currently know 0 people that are both single and would be interested in me. The last few weeks of misfortunes have been very discouraging and I feel like I'm gonna die alone. 4 years without any promise other than some hook ups and "bad timing" or other bullshit. Don't think anyone will ever like me like that and I hate myself for it. I feel like I'm not that bad either but I guess not. I can't stand this anymore.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
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