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Don't you hate hearing: One day you're going to find out God was with you the whole time. Yeah so during our greatest suffering and trauma, when I called out to you, you heard the whole thing, and I couldn't sense a thing. You're only there for rich people amazingly, only rich, beautiful, healthy people have God around, isn't that crazy?
I'm through with people's advice, I'm through with it. The answer wasn't here, isn't here, will never be with me all along, so don't tell me some bullshit that can't be proven or disproven. done!
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self.depression
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I want to die Thats it. No explanation. No nothing. Im fed up with lifes bullshit
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self.depression
|
Does anyone else’s anxiety make them want to run? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
I think i like the feeling of being lonely and sad ive been lonely for awhile and im always pushing people away and i dont feel any regret in pushing the people that want to help me is there something wrong with me
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self.depression
|
What I truly want. I recently realised I hate everyone. People I know, people I don't know. I have a reason for each and everyone of them. Not necessarily good ones, but decent enough to justify that hatred. Although, I create those reasons to legitimate my anger, not the other way around.
Now, the only person I didn't hate, ever, was my girlfriend. That's what made her special. That's why I loved her. I trusted her. I told her everything, how I felt, how I thought, what I wanted. Turns out I should not have. She was not strong enough. She told my parents, the two people I hate the most on this planet, that I wanted to die. And not only did she tell them, but she lied to me, and started to report on how I was, behind my back. Of course, I discovered it. I am no fool. And thus she gave me a reason to hate her. She destroyed everything I had left. She clearly didn't understand what she was to me. Maybe she doesn't understand what love truly is.
What I want to do now, is to take my life. I am going to be very cautious this time. I won't tell anyone. I'll try not to post here. I'll choose a sure way to go. Because I want her to suffer. I want all of them to suffer. I want them to feel betrayed, to feel alone, to feel misunderstood. I want them to feel a tiny bit of the pain I always have with me.
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self.depression
|
Is it normal to turn depressed/lethargic after going a few days without music? This seems to keep happening, for some reason. A few days without music and boom, depression of some form kicks in. Is this anything normal or should I be worried about potential c. depression?
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self.depression
|
Yo, I'm out Im tired of my mind playing tricks on me. Let me see where do I start. I'm 20 years old grew up a screw up in South Los Angeles California in the hood. Did all that. I moved to Portland 2 years ago. Came here had a blast was dating all sorts of chicks. Tried meth here for the first time. I over did it fried my brain. Now I hear voices, I have trouble breathing and I'm not saying I'm gay because I don't sleep with dudes but I picked up some fruity behaviors I can't shake off. And I got PTSD from getting in a shoot out when I was high (nobody died thank God.. I was stupid but self defense). I hate this it's embarrassing living like this. because of who I was. I was the man. I was the one people came to for back up. I was the one who people wanted to party with. All the females wanted some of this. Now everyone switched up on me, even family. I kinda think some one did witch craft on me. I just want my old life back. But it doesn't work like that. So ive accepted suicide as a way out.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I think its time I'd just like to say goodbye, as there really isn't anyone else to say goodbye to. I hope you all find peace.
bye
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self.SuicideWatch
|
“I’m fine” It has been a tough year. Although I look back to the beginning of 2017 and honestly do realise how far I have come, I’m still fed up of saying I’m fine, or okay, or worst case scenarios - im great.
January started with me moving back to my parents home, leaving behind London, my flat and my career. I had been in hospital with the crisis team for almost 2 months because my flat mate found me on the floor of my bedroom with pills and coke, so intoxicated I could hardly talk and a letter to my family telling them I couldn’t do it anymore.
Those days were very dark and I would not wish those thoughts on anyone.
Fast forward 11 months, and I am now 26 still with my parents, still with no job and still shitty thoughts but not on a daily basis. I also now have a dog, he is honestly the best motivation to get out of bed and make it through the day. I feel like an improved version of myself, like an iPhone update with some bug fixes. I still have bad thoughts, but these are now bad moments rather than bad days or weeks or months. The good is lasting longer than the bad.
I have started seeing friends, leaving the house abit, I’m still not great on my own but I’m getting there gradually.
I blocked a lot of people out of my life when I was at my worse, I have now started breaking down those barriers of mine and I am trying to reconcile my friendships and relationships with the people who matter to me.
I have come to notice that once people hear what had been going on, they become scared to ask how you are, has anyone else found that?
I’m absolutely fine when I’m with friend or family, I laugh, I’m happy, I have lovely days. But once I’m alone - it’s like a layer peels away. I doubt myself, I feel I don’t deserve this happiness. Then comes the next day, which is full of false “I’m okay’s” just to reach that small bit of light and happiness again. It’s a cycle, a dark cycle, of love and hope to loneliness and self hate then back again.
I really really for the day I can say ‘I’m great’ and fully mean it.
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self.depression
|
I did it! I finally told my parents I was depressed and now they're getting me a therapist.
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self.depression
|
Feels like it will never change. I am a 21yo male. From an outside perspective, my life looks good and desirable. Some big amount of money came from my family, i have friends, i live in good standarts etc. From material perspective, my life is satisfying but i never felt to be loved. Of course my family loves me but they are not loving me for who i am, they are loving me just because i am their son. No one loved me for being myself. I just wake up, survive the social interactions, come home, get drunk and sleep. I just want to feel the warmth that comes from an actual person. I want to touch, i want to feel, not in a sexual way. I wanna know and and feel, what being socially, loved persons feels like. Nothing ever changes in this fucked up world. Why does it have to feel so cold all the time? I feel like im missing the essence thing of life, to love and to be loved. Fuck, i dont even wanna think about if i ever going to feel fulfilled and happy. Feels like it will never change.
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self.depression
|
I Flipped Out I went to the bank, to the ATM. The card locked, which has my rent on it. I was trying to deposit money.
That was part of the issue. But what doesn't help is the phone Boost sold me knowing it has issues and when I came to complain about it, they said I would have to upgrade. Or call the company. My phone doesn't take calls very well. So how?
Anyways, my phone autocorrects basic words like Dip into something else. But will leave a word like smlk the same. It's really aggravating. Uber won't download, I have to access it through the play store. Lyft no longer works. Data is shit. Texts take up to 4 hours to receive when I'm at work.
I was on my way home and was really just feeling tested. I'm sick and fucking tired of thirsty ass old men cat calling me and asking for a lighter or my phone number. I know the lighter is a fucking ice breaker to talk to me. People will fucking stare at me on my way to work and then scoot over on the bus to start talking to me.
Old ladies on the bus will lean over my fucking shoulder and read what I'm reading on reddit and make comments. LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE JUST STOP!! and then will try and discuss it with me!!!
look i consider myself patient lately and being tested and reacting very fucking well. patient with everyone. ive diffused fights and kept myself strong and trying to manage stress to the point where it start to show in my body through stomach and chest pains.
ive really held my patience. a lot stems from this fucking phone. social media and my phone. im tired of negativity from social media and bullshit fake perfect lives. that's not what thier lives are really like. people feel like shit and compare themselves to other people.
im tired of ignorance and texts and calls from people i dont know. customers harassing me for my number. dudes pinning me against the wall to talk to them on my way to work. im done. im fucking done.
i threw my phone against the floor and smashed the fuck out of it. there. i will carry it with me and when someone tries to ask for my number, I will shove it in their face.
bc it's not innocent either. like im seeming like an asshole but here's how it goes:
I put my back pack in the seat next to me and I sit in the aisle seat when I'm traveling by myself to work
Guy sits in aisle seat right next to me and proceeds to stare at me
Me: on phone to ignore said person
Guy: *stares* Hey, you know you're gorgeous
Me: Thank you *stares at phone*
Guy: Hey can you put my number in your phone so we can talk sometime?
Me: I have a fiance
Guy: We can't be friends?
Me: No, I don't like to accept numbers from guys bc i find it disrespectful to him
Guy: *comes up with more excuses to get my number*
Me: says no
Guy: stares at me threateningly
I'm not even kidding. One dude i rejected on the streetcar when I was working at the restaurant and he now glares at me hardcore and walks by and fuckign stares at me BY MY APARTMENT. he walks by my fucking apartment bc my apartment is by the bus stop.
or how i had someone drive on the sidewalk after i told them i didnt need a ride (i was at the bus stop) and opened their door and tried to get me into their car
or the time a guy comes over to the bus stop and harasses me and i said leave me alone i have a fiance. he's like I came over here for YOU. and got pissed!! i was like i didnt ask you to come over here??? and he got mad!
I even have a video of someone who had followed me a block and i put the camera on bc i felt scared. I told him not to talk to me and in the video it shows him pissed and staring and glaring as he walks away
it's not just a Hey, beautiful!! No, this shit is let me follow you for 3 blocks and harass you. It's fucking scary. I had a dude flip out on me for not giving him a lighter and saying I didn't have a lighter in a more polite manner. He called me a skank and a whore and all this shit. FOR A LIGHTER BRO?? FOR A LIGHTER???
I just gave up. I threw my phone to pieces. I'm tired. I'm tired of people like ADD ME ON INSTAGRAM. NO, i dont like instagram or facebook or tumblr or anything. I like reddit bc im anonymous for the most part.
Also, I'm tired of how it makes me feel and how people approach me about it. On top of that Ive been weeks free from most social media and I feel better. Smashing my phone just released a fuck ton of stress and ill be able to focus on more things, like being in the moment.
May just get a flip phone or some shit. I feel better. Much better. It really bugged me. Also, how every time I called my bank or energy or internet somehow it never went thru. So i couldnt make calls and texts wouldnt go thru and people would get pissed at me thinking im ignoring them and would flip out on me. so im just done. fuck the phone. fuck it. i feel lighter now.
ranting, but lighter. i smashed the shit out of it. and it felt good. my boyfriend was going to smash it bc of how consumed i was in it, but i took care of it.
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self.bipolar
|
Just tired Tired of not having a job. Tired of being broke. Tired of not knowing what I'm supposed to be doing with my life. Tired of living where I live. Tired of being nobody in a society where you have to be somebody. Tired of never having only giving. Tired of being told to grow up. Tired of being told to get over it. Tired of hearing I need to just stop being depressed. Just tired.
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self.depression
|
Anyone know any easy to get into hobbies? I feel like getting my mind off everything would be really helpful right now but I can’t find any hobbies that I can muster up the motivation to do.
Do you know any good low effort preferably cheap hobbies to do?
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self.depression
|
To the couple standing behind me in the cashier line. I'm really happy for y'all that you guys found love and you're expressing it in public. But MAYBE CAN YOU NOT FUCKING PLAYFIGHT IN A LARGE AND CROWDED LINE?
Holy shit, just stand in line like the rest of us miserable consumers AND STOP BUMPING INTO ME. In total, you bumped into me three times and stepped on me twice. Can you guys learn human decency?
WHY DO YOU HAVE TO STAND AN INCH AWAY FROM ME? YOU'RE NEXT TO PURCHASE.
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self.offmychest
|
Well, today’s not great. But it’s just another day. I know today is kinda fucking me up. But it’s just a Sunday. And tomorrow’s just a Monday. Not going to let this shit destroy me more than it already has.
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self.depression
|
Regretting a Big Life Choice I haven't been diagnosed with depression, and I don't really have a way of going to a doctor that I can see (living with my cousins, parents live across the country), but I've been feeling the symptoms for the past few months.
In August, I decided to move away from my home in New York to live with my cousins in Idaho for college. This is the life change I'll be referring to.
I'm currently in my first year of college. I had a decent paying job and everything was going fine at first. All of a sudden, I couldn't fall asleep at night. I eventually started missing many of my 8 a.m.'s and my teacher was pretty understanding. Eventually, however, it got to the point where she suggested me dropping the class in order to avoid the F. So I did that, but then my sleep started impacting my work.
I worked 3 days a week, 7 a.m. to 3:30 p.m. At first, I would miss a day here or there due to sleeping in, yet it just kept getting worse. I've tried calling my bosses a few times, no response or call back. My parents are constantly on me about not going to work, telling me stuff that I already know about how I owe money and I'm being irresponsible, saying that I can't use my "homesickness" as an excuse for anything (they won't listen to me when I say that it's worse than they think).
It's gotten to the point now where I'm essentially jobless and I have zero motivation to leave the house other than to go to classes. I'm planning to apply to Dick's Sporting Goods, but I can't do that until I schedule my classes for next semester, and I can't do **that** until I receive my financial aid for the rest of the current semester. So my life is basically on pause right now, yet it seems like nobody understands and it feels like I'm alone. My parents even got my girlfriend to start hounding me on stuff and it's just making it worse.
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self.depression
|
Thanks mom My mom often says insensitive things about my bipolar, and while she’s been a big support for me, this just killed me.
Yesterday I told her about how I’ve fallen into a depression for two weeks and have lost five pounds from not eating. Her response?
“I could use a good depression right now!”
It’s not the first time she’s expressed jealousy over my unhealthy weight loss. I don’t even know why I brought it up, I should know better at this point. But I have so few people in my life that I can go to for support right now. I’m so frustrated.
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self.bipolar
|
I'm sorry U. I left you, will hate myself for this for another year at least, maybe more.
I'm sorry neither of us fought for what we had. 6 years were over in a month.
You've moved on and I'm stuck. I can't get you out of my mind. I told you I love you. You didn't say anything. I wish it would help me move on instead of making me scream in my pillow.
I love you my dear U., unfortunately more than I ever have in the last year of our relationship. We were my paradise, you still are. With you, I'm home.
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self.offmychest
|
I’m so fucking tired of your manipulative, narcissistic fucked up personality. I wish I could be good enough for you and you make me feel so low. The things you say stick with me and ring in my head over and over. You make me want to die. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I HATE when people use jargon Alright, obviously in a professional setting that's specifically related to the jargon you're using, it's different. Or, if you're hanging with people who all know what you're talking about without further explanation, that's okay too. There's specific situations where jargon is okay, even good. But in everyday life, if you're talking about your shit like everyone around you is an expert, as if they revere the garbage you poop out of your asshole just as much as you do, you're just being pretentious and annoying. Like wow, cool, you know what "f-stops" are in photography, nice. Awesome, so amazing, you know what the inverse of the quadrilateral paraflex on the Kibar mechanism does when you detach the flooter-dooter from the wobedy-weebo. Polite listeners will, of course, ask what all of that stuff even means, which is great for the jargon-obsessed, because it lets them flaunt their 'expertise' even more. But guess what? In 99% of everyday situations, you can just as easily use **average** language to describe whatever you're talking about in a way that people will actually understand. Fucking Einstein understood this better than most of these 'experts' do: "If you can't explain it simply, you don't understand it well enough." Using only jargon isn't just annoying, it also shows how little you really understand about the subject.
So, just talk like a normal person, if you please. Using jargon around people who aren't interested in your so-called field of expertise just reveals your big-headedness.
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self.offmychest
|
What has been your strangest medication side effect? Last week I started taking Wellbutrin and have noticed that I have developed a heightened sense of smell, a rare side affect of the drug.
wgat odd things have drugs done to you?
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self.bipolar
|
It's about time I die. I am a highschooler. The only thing I'm good at is not being social, not having friends, hating myself, messing up my brain, and failing at life. I'm so messed up in my head I can't erase anything. If I can't live with this horrid life now, I can't live with it later. I'm ending my life tomorrow. Surely there will be no replies on this post because no one cares any way.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Riding the waves Time has this way of passing so quickly , without notice that suddenly you look up from the path you've been intent on following and you're 36 .
Today is officially one week since " I lost it" or maybe I should say "found it". It's been a week of quiet days, not lazy, but simple, quiet without any rush. I've watched the vibrant red maple in my back yard loose it's leaves. Every morning I sit in bed with my coffee and enjoy it's company through my window. I can't remember the last time I took time to notice the change of seasons. It feels wonderful.
It's not all sunshine and roses, there are some definite issues and emotions I am dealing with. They ebb and flow , and I'm not pushing them away , I am feeling each one ; I need to ride the waves to prove to myself I'm strong enough to do it. I'm allowing myself the time to heal, to sleep if necessary and eat properly.
Through my entire diagnosis , treatment, ups and downs of anxiety I have firmly believed in explaining to my son , and for that matter my husband, what is happening, why ( if I can even determine the why) and that it's not their fault. I've taken alot of criticism for this , kids don't need to know this stuff apparently. But there's this that I can't let go of ; I dealt with my father's mental health issues my entire life, walked in egg shells, said sorry without knowing why. He did not ,could not communicate what was going on. I never wanted my son feeling that my mood, irritability was his fault . I've described to him how our brain works , and like diabetes that anxiety is a health issue that requires medication and rest, he is a kid who gets it. In return my son is VERY good at communication, he has broken the cycle , we have broken the cycle
So right now there are wonderful hours and sometimes rough days. I'm just learning to ride the waves.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Every morning, I wake up and panic for hours. I know the realities of my life, I know the horrible unlikelihood that I will be able to fix things. The moment I wake up, panic floods in. I feel it in my stomach, in my neck, in my chest, anxious tingles shoot down my limbs to my fingers and toes. I know no matter what I do that day, I’m going to fail. I picture rock bottom coming ever closer. I cry until I have nothing left, and then I try against all odds to fix things.
This has been my routine for months, maybe on some level for years. I don’t want to keep doing this. Every day I somehow manage to trick myself into thinking it’s possible for things to get better. At night, I’m scared to fall asleep. I know what awaits me on the other side. I know each day seems worse, hurts more, and i’ll be more afraid of my decreasing options. Yet sleep always comes.
And so again, I panic.
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self.depression
|
How to know when anxiety medication works? I'm on Fluoxetine 10mg daily doesage. I've yet to notice any altercations in mood or otherwise physical being. It's been a little over one month.
I've no friends to ask if my mood has improved/changed. Nor am I close enough with family to ask the same.
So, how does one self evaluate if a(n) anxiety medication is or is not working?
I understand this medication can be slow acting and often is needed for long periods of time. Just would like to know what to look for.
Thanks for your comments.
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self.Anxiety
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something to note for those of you considering using drugs to cope: [deleted]
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self.depression
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I was on the bitcoin boat but I got of [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I don't plan on returning to my teaching job after winter break. This is month number six of being completely miserable. I joined Teach For America because I've grown up in a society that tells me I should want to save the world, and as a lost college graduate with few job prospects in my field I decided what better way to make a difference in society than to educate the youth. I now recognize how arrogant and naive this mindset is, but it was only further reinforced and encouraged once I started summer training in TFA. With ideas of grandeur and transformational pedagogy, we were given a koolaid that was hard to turn down during institute. A one month training, with only 20 actual hours of teaching in a classroom was nowhere near enough to prepare any inexperienced "teacher" for teaching. My placement school is chaotic, unorganized, and unsupportive. I have been given four different lines to prep for and no guides for how to prepare for these. I have certification courses to complete while working, I have TFA work to complete, I have administrative "development plans" for in case we get audited and PLC meetings where we spend 20 minutes doing ice breakers. Everything I am doing I am doing at 50%, including teaching my students. I have become one of the ineffective gears on the not so well oiled machine of our education system that I initially sought to make better.
I have no business teaching my students, they deserve a better, more qualified teacher and I deserve a job that does not worsen my mental and physical health. This has been the most challenging job I have ever had and beautiful things come from the struggles of life but I do not wish to condemn myself to 18 more months of struggling at the expense of my students' education, my relationship, and my mental stability.
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self.offmychest
|
I've screwed everything up. DO NOT FUCKING UPVOTE THIS PILE OF SHIT.
I just want to die. And before all of those retards show up posting "OMGERD if you really wanted to die, you'd just do it already" let me express the following.
I want a relatively painless end. My life has been very, very painful and I don't believe I deserve to be punished by having a painful death.
The only methods I can think of that are painless and safe for anyone else that may walk into the place are firearm and shooting up morphine or a synthetic opiate.
I don't WANT to die, but I really don't see any other option. The drugs they give me make me feel horrible to the point where I have tried to kill myself by OD several times. I usually end up bashing my head against the wall of a cell until they put me under.
I've posted my history on here before. It's rough. But today, beyond all of that damage I'm slogging through, I'm floundering with my anger over my ex's new husband.
Given my outbursts before and anger issues, I really don't want to be in the same room as this guy if he says something. I will go bananas on him. I mean, full retard meets American History X. The compulsion has been overwhelming in the past. I have spent these past several years taking the medication and working very hard on my impulse control issues.
That being said, I was fine until the dreams started.
It seemed like it was all night. This powerful compulsion to beat the living shit out of him. Over and over and over. I would wake up covered in sweat and angry as hell.
I started downing my medication by the fistful just to keep myself from going insane and smashing shit around the house.
I am proud to say I haven't broken a thing. I've just deleted my facebook, deleted most of my friends off of Steam and braced myself for her (the ex's) anger as she really wants me to spend time with the girls. And I do too.
I've been pretty much unconscious since Friday and the urge to go jump off a bridge, in front of a train or to make H2S has been very strong.
People on here keep on saying "it's easy to kill yourself, just do it" well no shit retard, but it's much harder to go peacefully and NOT hurt/traumatize people in the process.
And I really don't feel like collecting 1 lb of seeds to make a poison either.
Does anyone understand what I'm going through? Too broken to be out there, too scared to be in a cage at a psych ward?
Because I won't go. Never again. And I will make them kill me before I go back there to all of the bullshit medications, the rolling eyes of the staff and general disinterest in people like me.
So instead I've begun a scorched earth policy against my life and everyone in it.
I've been torturing myself for years now trying to be ok, but the truth is, I've been too depressed to take care of myself, let alone anyone else and THAT thought right there. That knowledge that I'm too fucked up to be around my girls.... my chest feels like an finger of ice is being pushed into my heart.
There's no hope. I'm just too much of a chicken to dig around for a main artery. That and, again, I don't think I deserve such a violent death.
Oh and FYI, trying to overdose on street drugs sucks because it isn't pure and I end up just tripping balls and then feeling the withdrawals which is horrendous. Nothing like feeling like a useless piece of shit PLUS feeling like your blood is on fire.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
looking for some warmth and care as I’m dealing with severe depression [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Losing Weight on Medication I'm finally grooving with the right medication combo, and I need to lose weight. The doctor told me that I need to lose 90 lbs, so that's a little shocking. I'm honestly at a loss because I know that Lamictal, Buspar and Latuda cause you to gain weight. What to do...
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self.bipolar
|
The only difference between me and r/Braincels is I have a girlfriend. That's it. I'm identical to them. I don't have any real friends. I don't live with my parents so I guess that's two things, but they barely count and there are probably incels that don't live with their parents.
My therapists have said I'm probably not transgender, so that's good. I'll probably realize eventually that being trans is why I feel miserable all the time. Fuck that. That day will never come. The girl inside me will die before she can ever get to express herself.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I listen to depressing music and read depressing, stressful stories that make me legitimize my feelings and make me even more depressed I came to realization not too long ago that when I'm depressed I wanna wallow in misery as much as I can. I spend waaayyyy too much time on the internet listening to heartfelt ballads about lost love with slow, sad piano music, and I read too much into those shitty stories on r/relationships where I get as stressed as Op as if I was actually in that situation myself.
I don't have any really great reason to be depressed. I guess all this time I was feeding into my depression and giving myself a reason that warrants why I'm feeling this way instead of trying to find a real way out.
I'm done, thanks for listening to this rant, I don't care if no one reads it, I still feel as if some weight has lifted off of my shoulders. I'm gonna try faking it till I make it to see if anything improves, I don't have unrealistic hopes; I just want to eliminate any self-loathing from being unproductive.
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self.depression
|
8 am and already drunk I don't fucking know what to do with my life. I have too much anxiety when I'm sober to leave the house. So sick of seeing doctors that throw depression meds at me. Nothing ever works or sticks, it just makes me sick. I just want to go to sleep.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My sexuality is complicated I'm a Muslim girl, but I'm definitely more like a guy than a girl. I wouldn't go so far as to say I'm trans.... I'm not.... but I don't like girly things... I'm a tomboy. I find myself attracted to masculine men in a way that I want to BE LIKE them/inspired/envious... and I find myself attracted to women (masculine and feminine ) and exclusively feminine men in a way thats more intimacy/sexual. Im repulsed by the idea of ever being in heteronormative relations....
Anyways for my entire life I've lived feeling guilty or trying to deny or fix this side of myself. For the last 10 years or so, it's like I'm on a see saw of accepting myself and hating myself. I've learned that my feelings are natural, yet I try to fix them. I've learned Allah made me this way, yet I detest who I am. I've learned I'm not a sin, I'm not haram and that there is a purpose as to why I am the way I am. I've learned to persevere through the tests yet I'm still ashamed of who I am. Today, I've unequivocally accepted myself. I'm not out to anyone except myself. Ill probably never be out. But at least I'm comfortable in my own skin. I do hope this feeling lasts and I don't go down on the see saw again. This time it feels more certain and more permanent. My shoulders feel lighter. Everyone probably already knows anyways, and I'm probably the last to know... I'm amused by that thought.
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self.offmychest
|
Fall asleep in front of TV so I don't have to lay down alone with my thoughts [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I want to buy all the happiness in the world and give it to every single member of my family and when that finally happens i want to be gone forever [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I hate the person i’ve become. I’m such a disappointment to myself and everyone around me. I can’t stop shovelling junk in my mouth, I’ve gained weight, i’m too awkward and anxious to talk to people, i can’t even exercise for 5 minutes without feeling nauseous because of my shitty diet, my grades are mediocre, i’m in constant fatigue and pain every single day, and i have very few talents (the only thing i’m good at is singing). I’ve become such a failure. It honestly hurts to be alive sometimes. The only reason i haven’t killed myself is because my family can’t afford a funeral.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why is it wrong? I'm just curious and no i'm not considering it now.
My Grandfather is 92, many say it's amazing he's in his 90's and can still walk around and speak. Not to him, he's in pain, can't move his hands, can't see, can barely hear and it hurts his jaws to speak.
So far old age looks horrible to me, before this my grandmother was living with us. She passed away earlier at a much younger age of 83, she had Alzheimer's. 83 years old but when I spoke to her it was as if I was speaking to a 10 year old kid. She had forgotten basic things like using the toilet, couldn't pick things up as her finger joints were stiff.
Now my father, he passed away at the age of 60. He was a doctor, he was showing strong signs of Alzheimer's, he too was sometimes dropping things since he couldn't hold them properly. He was well aware what was in stored for him, he was a proud man and well known for giving free treatment to the poor. He didn't want to ever end up like my grandmother, all his life he has been the one to take care of others and been the one to save lives. He didn't want to end up wearing an adult diaper with a servant tailing him all the time because he can't take care of himself. So he OD'd himself many months after he was sure he had Alzheimer's, it was when the muscles in his body started aching(not sure if that's related to Alzheimer's but he would complain about it often during those last few months). My mother and sister hated that decision of his, no one knew he was ever planning it. As for me, it was a shock to me as well but I understood why he did it.
I would do the same thing if it was me, I wouldn't want to live like that. My Father didn't either and that's why he did it.
So why is it wrong to commit suicide when you know very well what's in stored for you? Don't get me wrong, my dad was an Atheist so he knew well you only live once, he wasn't expecting to go to heaven or anything for all the good he did in his lifetime. He was very well educated, even the dosage he took was properly measured to kill a man of his size.
My mother and sister won't explain to me, only says he was selfish to do so.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel like I’m not good at anything. Okay, so I don’t know if what I’m feeling is anxiety or if I️’m having a breakthrough and realizing that i have nothing to offer.
I’ve spent my entire life as a performer - I’m 23 now. I went to school for theatre. I’m realizing now that i may not be talented.
All signs have pointed to it - i was the only girl who didn’t get solos or leads in shows. I moved to a city with theatre along with my best friends. All of them have gotten cast except for me.
When i do get performance opportunities, compliments seem hollow and generic. I get bitter and jealous of my friends opportunities and of their talents. I feel like I’ve been suffering in the midst of their thriving. It makes me sad, but it’s impossible for me to find happiness for them amidst my jealousy and bitterness. This makes me feel guilt and just adds to the black hole of anxiety and depression that i already feel almost every day.
People do tell me I’m talented. Mostly close friends and family... the people that bullshit me because they feel like they have to. But it’s impossible to recognize it as fact. Frankly, i feel like they’re just blowing sunshine up my ass, and it destroys me.
I’m so sad, and I️ feel this way almost all the time. I️ moved here to make a career in theatre and I’ve ended up desperately applying to full time jobs in marketing (my only other “expertise” from college and post college experiences). Of course, I’m not getting any bites. I already had to suck up my pride to apply for these jobs - not getting any offers to even come in for an interview makes me feel like a huge failure.
I’m so tired of failing and I’m so tired of not being able to see things as they are. I yearn so much to feel like I’m successful in at least one facet of my life, and every day I feel further from it.
I guess I’m not really looking for advice... I’m just shouting into the void. I feel like a failure. I feel talentless. I feel like my time in this city has been a waste. And I’m so, so tired of feeling this way.
Background: been suffering from anxiety/depression since middle school (trauma driven). Theatre used to be my sanctuary... now, obviously, not so much
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self.Anxiety
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Cycle of Depression Depression for me is a cycle. The beginning everything feels okay. But as the cycle continues to progress you're left feeling empty, sad, and broken. I experienced the worst grief that I've ever felt in my young adult life so far. When I was 15 my father passed away. Since then I've gone through bouts of depression. I miss him everyday and I feel like even though its been 5 years, I still wait for him to get home from work or take me on a drive. Sitting in the passenger seat of my father's car as he drove through the most beautiful places in my home state are memories that I will forever cherish. Now I'm in college and it kills me that I can't tell my dad how my day went or how I feel about my classes or about the boy that I really like. Living with depression just seems normal to me.
I'm stuck in this negative mindset that recently just occurred in the last few months. I'm beat myself up for every little thing that I do. I care too much about how other view me and I cry in bed feeling so alone and broken. My heart aches with loneliness, I curl up in a ball and cry and pray to God that he'll take my feelings away and become an empty shell. I'd rather be apathetic than feel anything at this point. I've come to realize how unwanted I am amongst my peers, my body aches with the amount of loneliness and sadness I feel on a daily basis.
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self.depression
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I fucking hate my job So I think I have a flu or fever and I called my work and told them I can't come in so they just said to find someone else to come in. I couldn't find anyone and was waiting to hear back from one person about it but I called them and told them and they said they didn't know what I expected them to do cause it's my scheduled shift and no one can come in and work so I still had to come in. I fucking lost it and started screaming and crying (I've also been having a fucking lot going on in my life so that one thing threw me over the edge) so now I'm sitting here feeling like shit and I'm severe pain (I also fell down the stairs a few days ago and possibly burst an ovarian cyst or shifted one of my ovaries which hurts a lot) feeling like I'm gonna cry and having to work. I fucking hate my job and my boss and everyone I work with.
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self.offmychest
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[Abuse] Can learning about other's stories be a trigger? About me: Early 20s, bipolar type II, was in an extremely abusive (emotional, mental, physical, and sexual) relationship in high school. This was my last relationship.
So I have been single since I've been out of high school. I have used that time to work on the trauma and baggage of my last relationship. I recently entered a new relationship. I care deeply about this person and they respect and appreciate me. I am very hopeful about our future together.
So as time has gone on, I have learned about his past relationship. It didn't take long for me to realize he had been emotionally and mentally abused by this person...who he also has a child with. He hasn't yet come around to this fact, as I think I'm the first person to ever point it out to him.
So anyway, like an idiot, I snooped on her social media a little bit. It is full of her playing up the fact that she supposedly has a mental illness and that she's a supposed survivor of abuse. While I don't know about the first, I know the second is a blatant lie. I felt so angry at first that it was crazy.
That's only been a day or 2 ago. Now I feel awful...I keep thinking of the way I felt when my ex did the things he did to me. I also keep thinking of how that must be how my partner felt in his past relationship with his abuser. Of course there is anger; but, I also keep dealing with awful waves of nausea and these bouts of crying.
I don't know really anything about triggers or how they work. So, my question is - can learning about someone else being abused (specifically a loved one) be a trigger?
Any and all insight is appreciated.
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self.bipolar
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People just won't let you enjoy anything, they'll always find something wrong with you and it drives me insane. [deleted]
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self.depression
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DAE fake happiness because they don't want others feeling bad for them?
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self.depression
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Testing Hi, I’m brand new to this group. I used to read several years ago but just signed up again, as I deleted my Facebook account so there went all of my support!
So I’m testing to see if this gets posted, cause I’m unable to post on the other bipolar group!
Help! Did this work?
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self.bipolar
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I can't take it anymore Why is it so hard? Why is it so painful? Why won't the voices go away? Why me? I have the perfect life. Loving, beautiful girlfriend, best parents ever. Got the scholarship not many people can get. Why does it hurt so much? I can't take it anymore. I think I'll do it tonight.
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self.depression
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Anxiety and feeling Insignificant? I really, really just need to say this to someone who can understand what I'm going through. I made the mistake of talking about my insecurity and anxiety issues on another subreddit and ended up getting horrible responses. Made me feel way worse.
I keep getting into this cycle of thought process that I am unimportant and no one needs/wants me. All through middle school and high school, I've found "friends" who use me and end up dumping me when someone better comes along. Now here I am at 23 years old and have literally 2 friends. And one is so busy, we barely talk lately.
Whenever I think about it I get super anxious and feel like I have made no impact in my life on anyone. I feel like I could disappear and no one would really care all that much. I feel like I'm wasting my life.
I've been in a serious relationship for 8 years with my boyfriend. I love him so much and I am happy with him. But it crosses my mind SO much that I don't deserve him and that he can do so much better than me, etc. I feel like my insecurities about myself (about both me as a person as well as my appearance) make me unable to enjoy our relationship sometimes because there's always that nagging feeling that he could do way better than me.
I just feel so insignificant. Its hard to go through my day feeling like this. And I feel like me mentioning this stuff to him just makes him feel guilty that he "doesn't tell me I'm pretty enough" and stuff like that. When I feel like my issues aren't about stuff like that...
Ugh. I don't even know what I'm trying to gain from this. I think I really just need to be heard and to maybe get some advice from people who get what I'm going through? I do see a counselor but I don't think its done a whole lot for me.
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self.Anxiety
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Girlfriend has severe depression I don't usually ask for advice on forums or anything but I'm really struggling to deal with this. My girlfriend (3 months!) Has begun a depressive episode around 2 weeks ago, and its gotten really bad. She told me everything about herself very early on, stuff she hasn't told her friends, because she said she felt comfortable around me. But this past week she's been so distant and apathetic, I'm dealing with some stuff myself and I've been supporting her, like when she says she doesn't wanna talk or doesn't message back I don't mind any of that, it's for her own good. The thing I'm struggling with is the lack of love or support that gets shown back. I was also supposed to see her yesterday, and after planning 3 days in advance, asking her multiple times if it was better for me to stay at home she said she wanted me down, 3 hours before my train she said she wanted to be alone, which totally screwed my week up.
I haven't got annoyed or said anything back because I know how much she's going through and that she doesn't need someone adding to that. My real question is if anyone has been in a similar situation and has any advice?
I've asked some friends/family and they say I don't need this right now and it's best to get out of there. Ive considered it at the worst of times but we have grown close since we got together, she's opened up and trusted me and I do love her.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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self.depression
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The only person I ever had a chance with and the only reason I bothered waking up just broke it off with me I don’t know what I want to accomplish with this, I just don’t have anyone to talk to about this right now and I’m in a dark place.
She motivated me to do stuff I never would’ve done otherwise, now I’m disgusted by the mere thought of doing anything. She gave me the whole “It’s not you, it’s me” shit, but I know it’s me. It always is, because I’m an unattractive, unlovable, inactive waste of matter. I breathe air someone else could put to better use, and I don’t know if I can keep it up much longer.
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self.depression
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Thank you guys and gals! Thank you guys and gals!
Tonight I was in a dark place. But just coming here and reading the posts helped a lot.
Thank you to all the posters who come here seeking help. I am so proud of you to coming here asking for help.
And thank to all the commenters and helpers! You guys are fantastic.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Drug use and anxiety. Has anyone here ever experienced anxiety over their past drug use, and know how to get over it? I think it’s one of the core reasons why I get anxious, because as soon as I think about it it makes me very anxious. Also, I don’t do drugs anymore and haven’t for two years. Just thought I’d clarify that.
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self.Anxiety
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I’m ready to die I’m so ready to die. I’m ready to kill myself. I have a suicide note that I’m going to finish writing and finally end it. Once I’m done writing it I’m going to kill myself
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self.SuicideWatch
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finally got second opinion about diagnosis/treatment I began seeing a therapist weekly 3 week ago. Ive already missed one appointment because I lost track of time.
Turns out my pdoc was "under the impression" i had been on antidepressants for the last two years.. the years that destroyed my marriage and tore my family asunder. She wrote me a script a couple weeks ago and i feel like myself again... only.. i now know that my ex may not be my ex today had i discovered this sooner... our daughter could have had us both under one roof still... the way it was supposed to be.
i think im going to give up on all my meds and blow my brains out for new years..... ** ball drops. whistles blow. brain splatters **
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self.bipolar
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My whole body aches. I don't want this. For the past year I've been on and off the idea of suicide. I can never do it. Mostly because I'm too much of a coward. I can't even talk to a girl I think is cute because I have crippling anxiety about what would happen if it actually worked out. What if they hurt my friends, abuse me verbally, or insult my family. I probably wouldn't end leaving them because they fill the hole. This pain hurts so deep. I do it to myself. I can't stop. It won't stop. Countless times I've gassed the engine, but always end up breaking. WHY?! WHY?! WHY CAN'T I DO IT. Why am I alive?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is everyone depressed right now? I think seasonal depression is a very real thing that even reaches our neurotypical friends and family. I am having a hard time pushing through while watching most everyone around me trudge along so begrudgingly. I'm going to start taking vitamin D supplements to see if that helps. Take extra care of yourself through the cold months, guys.
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self.bipolar
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I think my depression is causing me to develop an eating disorder, and Im scared to talk about it So, I have been very depressed lately (im on Zoloft for it), and its hard for me to find the will to do anything a lot of the time. This also includes eating. Before I ate really healthy, now im having a good day if i remember to have 2 meals. Some days (like today) i dont eat any thing until i just binge for an hour straight because i am so hungry. Im really scared i have a real problem, and im even more scared to tell people. A lot of my friends have/had eating disorders, and I dont want to scare them or worry them by telling them i might have one too.
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self.depression
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Maybe i should be posting this somewhere else I feel the need to rant very quickly about this. The other day i was at a women resources clinic that offers different services for women such as abortions, prenatal care, birth control etc. (Almost like a planned parenthood). I needed a pad and i asked the ladies at the front desk for one, expecting to kindly receive one... and they charged me. I found this quite odd that even a place catered for menstruating humans was charging me for ONE pad. Many places do this, i was just thrown off. I felt uncomfortable. Again, this is probably an issue for a different forum, but wow.
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self.offmychest
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Has anyone actually completed an entire exposure therapy program for a phobia? If so, how did it help?
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self.Anxiety
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I don’t think I can handle anymore. I'm feeling like crap today. I think I'm at my limit and I do not know how much I can still take it. My chest hurts and my head hurts. I wish I had the courage to leave my house,without hurting anyone, but this seems impossible. My dad does not seem to care about my mother’s feelings, and more than likely is cheating on her right now. With that, my mother's self-esteem is lower than ever. She is saying that she is a terrible wife and a bad mother. How is it possible for me to handle this?
We are living in piece of shit of a place, very dangerous and with no quality of life, but no one seems to bother with this except me. I'm unhappy at home, unhappy at work. I just do not know what to do...
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self.depression
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I have to do a 10 minute speech to the class then answer questions in front of the class and then ask questions as well for a total of 18 minutes. Kill me? I have no idea what to do. I’m in an English class and we’re doing a debate and we already did the first one and I only spoke for 6 minutes and it was a complete disaster. Now we’re on a second one and I don’t know how I can possibly do this.
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self.Anxiety
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jonghyun in December this singer that I had been closely following for years committed suicide. his name was Kim Jonghyun and he was 27 years old. he left behind 4 other band members that he had been performing with for almost ten years.
since then, I haven't been able to listen to any of his music without crying. I removed all his songs from my library, hid away my merchandise, and try not to think about anything related to him. but yesterday the band he was part of resumed their tour schedule without him. they put an empty microphone stand onstage where he would have been, each placing roses on it at the end of the concert. a few weeks before this, his record company posthumously released the solo album he had been working on, along with a music video. seeing his face and hearing his voice was so surreal, I almost forgot and told myself it all wasn't true. but then I remembered seeing videos from his funeral, watching one band member stop and break down in tears during the procession while another pulled him in for a hug with a dead look in his eyes. I remembered learning of their reactions when they heard the news, one of them passed out from crying, one laid sobbing on the floor for several hours, one locked himself in his room for days, and the last member was the only one who could bear going to see the body. I remembered seeing fans hold memorial events all around the world, hearing them crying while they sang one of his songs. I remembered his sister telling of an instance when he got drunk, asked her if she was happy, and then broke down saying "I want to be happy too".
I feel like I'm being overdramatic because I never even knew him personally yet his death is affecting my life in many ways. I feel pathetic because of how strongly this has impacted my life. at the time, my suicidal urges were already fairly strong, and hearing the news seemed to amplify it all. initially, the first feeling I was experiencing was envy, because his attempt was successful. I, on the other hand, have been suicidal for around 5 years and haven't even been able to attempt. I feel like such a coward. he made it out, and I'm too scared to even try.
I'm sorry this is so long and not even directly about myself. I just miss him. I'm sad that he committed suicide, but I respect his individual decision to take control of his life however he chooses. I wish he didn't do it, but I can understand why he did it. knowing that he had been in such pain, I wouldn't blame him for wanting to end it all. it breaks my heart hearing about how he was suffering.
I wish he could have found happiness. I've been struggling with the same issue for many years now, and I feel things are getting worse and worse as time goes on. I feel like I'm getting close to giving up, although I'll likely not even try anything because I'm scared of what might happen if I fail. I'm just so tired of being sad. I want to be happy too.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Shit happens Man I've been trying to get over my two years relationship and just can't it's been 9 months since we broke up and I still feel so much pain and got my brain stucked thinking of it, I'm just sick of standing it anymore I just want to end this I hate it so much it's so much emotional pain and the thoughts of not being able to do anything are unbearable, just wish this could go away easily I find myself thinking of ending my life often because the memories just won't go
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self.SuicideWatch
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I just want to get this off my chest My depression comes and goes, same for my anxiety. The doctor said its that I have an obsessive-compulsive disorder. Somedays I feel fine, others I feel crushing loneliness. I'm 28. Never had a girlfriend and have become distant from my friends. I have no idea of how to meet new people. I just... I dunno, sometimes it feels like I should have my life on track by now. My sisters were married at this point, meanwhile, I never had an intimate relationship nor even a small idea of how to start one. I see people with successful careers, homes, families at my age, yet I feel like I'm just going day to day growing older with nothing to look forward to. I don't want to kill myself but sometimes I wish I just ceased to be. My hobbies don't feel fulfilling any longer and sometimes I just want to sleep the morning away mainly to make the day shorter. I can't even force myself to enjoy parties because I feel this pressure on the back of my neck and after a while and it becomes unbearable. I need to leave to feel better and yet I feel worse in loneliness.
I don't know.
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self.depression
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I need to quit feeling guilty I always feel like im doing everything wrong. I do shit for myself and i feel bad. Why do i feel bad all the time? I need to quit feeling guilty all the time. I dont get it. Stupid anxiety. Ive been unemployed for almost 2 months. My job had a bad idea of job security so i left because i didn't want to risk being unemployed for another month. Im waiting on my tax return. I plan on going for my pest control license but im really nervous. Its 60 bucks for a class and 30 for a book. And then i have to drive 4 hours to take the tests. I want so much more for my life. But im really nervous.
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self.bipolar
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I'm an ugly being rant I've been crying, because how ugly I am. Yesterday, my friends (2 people) and I were talking how ugly we are. First, they're extraordinarily beautiful. This other friend buds in during the conversation and told them how pretty they were and not me. That moment broke my heart; astonished that I actually have a heart. It sucks, no one gives me compliments at all. No guy ever had a crush on me or an interest in me. But they are attracted to my sister. She's extremely fortunate how pretty she is... I know I shouldn't be complaining about such a little thing. Becuase they're people who have it worse than me; which makes me feel guilty.
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self.depression
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Not feeling great. My life is a mess. There isn't much I care about anymore. BUT
I am head over heels for this girl. I get butterflies whenever I'm with her. I get anxiety when I'm not. Then comes the depression. I start feeling as if there's not someone out there for me. Not like her. I've never felt this strongly about anyone before and have no idea how to deal with these feelings. Do they ever go away? Should I want them to go away?
Is it better to have her in my life, or do I need to distance myself and try to forget? She's the only thing that really makes me happy anymore.
I don't know what to do. I feel like I need her in my life even if we're to just be friends. It just hurts though.
tl;dr: I like a girl that is taken. I don't know how to get over her.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why bother? Today I thought to myself that there’s nothing stopping me from going outside, numbing myself with the snow, and slitting my wrists. Humans are constructions of physical phenomena, our minds delude us and our eyes blind us. The only reason we love is because emotional is a useful survival tool for the pack animal. The few things that make us half-decent are tainted, hollow, corrupt. We can’t see that the handful of impressive accomplishments will wither like a trillion planets before and after us. The world is a comedy to those who think and a tragedy to those who feel, and i have the great fucking fortune of being both. I’m sick of my religious family, my broken school system, my country, my planet, my species.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How do you guys cope with depressive episodes, does anyone have tips for pushing yourself to accomplish things? I was recently diagnosed BP1 in May and am going through a particularly rough state of depression where it’s hard to even bring myself to shower. How do you guys cope or manage to get daily things done? Or Work? Very curious.
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self.bipolar
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Anyone ever opened up to someone about Bipolar and gotten “Oh, I’m probably Bipolar, too!” as a reply? Talking exclusively about people who most certainly do NOT have Bipolar disorder and just think having road rage makes you Bipolar
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self.bipolar
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My depression is becoming crippling and my anxiety is starting to take over who I am. I try so hard to be positive I try so hard to be happy and good to others. But even when I'm in pain from something someone did they name me the bad guy. And it makes it so much worse. I just wish I could feel okay
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self.depression
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One of my friends died last night It was a car crash, head on collision. He was driving home from visiting his brother at college with his family. He was only 17. And now he's dead. It feels so surreal to say.
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self.offmychest
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Anyone else feel overwhelmingly pathetic after an attack? Basically the past couple days I've been having trouble in places like drive thrus, red lights and highway driving to far-ish places. These things are activities I used to do on a daily basis and highway driving on a weekly basis. I don't know why I have an overwhelming feeling of dread and being "stuck" but every time it happens I feel so pathetic not being able to live a semi-normal life this way.
Any suggestions on what I could do to overcome these things besides exposure?
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self.Anxiety
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I took a DASS test and answered honestly. I'm kind of scared but also accepting of it. Depression: normal-9 / me-33
Anxiety: normal-7 / me-34
Stress: normal-14 / me-36
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self.depression
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1st therapy appointment tomorrow and it’s coming a blizzard [deleted]
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self.depression
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Isolation and sleeping problems I'm medicated for anxiety but I'm currently studying abroad and am feeling so isolated. I have few friends here, my boyfriend is 9 hours flight away, I always wake up covered in sweat after stressful dreams but don't feel hot. I constantly feel tired and lazy and don't want to leave the house because I have to do it alone. I can't see a counselor because it would be very expensive to see someone who speaks English here. My diet is awful because I am vegetarian and am in Japan and vegetables are very expensive. I just don't know what to do. Does anyone have any recommendations?
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self.Anxiety
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Doctor refuses to prescribe medication even though therapy isn’t helping [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I just overheard my mother calling me useless She said ''You can't rely on him, he's completly useless'' - Now I just want to give up on life even more.
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self.depression
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LAMICTAL IS MAKING ME SICK!!! I AM SO NAUSEAS. I DONT KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN TAKE THIS LAMICTAL. Started at 25 now on 50. BEEN ON FOR A MONTH AND THIS HAS BEEN THE WORST! IT FEELS LIKE PREGNANCY NAUSEA!!!!!
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self.bipolar
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Parenting w/Depression I just want to know in a yes or, no fashion whether or not you believe your depression affects your ability to be a parent. Temporarily or permanently, doesn't matter. If you don't have kids, you're welcome to weigh in hypothetically.
~ Just curious as I have a four year old daughter.
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self.depression
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Long-standing, undiagnosed issue I’m concerned about my mental health. I feel like I’ve developed coping mechanism after coping mechanism like patches on old clothes until I no longer even resemble the original. I constantly struggle, and I have been since I was seventeen. I occasionally find a reprieve of a few months by making some radical change in my life to combat the depression when it gets to the point where I hope somebody crosses the centerline on the highway (because doing it myself would be cheating somehow.) I tell myself I have fixed my problem, and that now, that I’ve broken up with my girlfriend, started playing the accordion, gotten married, quit my job, joined the Air Force, started writing, gotten divorced, married again, etc. that I have fixed the problem, but I think I have been confusing cause and effect.
It seems to me that every time I change some major external factor I am suddenly Superman. I only need three hours of sleep. I can pursue all my interests while taking care of the kids and being a rockstar at work. Then, after a few months, something happens. It seems like the mental equivalent of being given leaden boots. I press on for a while, the pressure slowly increases. It happens almost imperceptibly, but incrementally over the next six months it increases to the point where I’m completely wrecked. I’m always tired regardless of how much (or little) sleep I get. I can barely get cleaned up to go to work in an acceptable manner, and every social interaction (even with my wife and children) seems take an impossible amount of energy to put up the appropriate front.
I went to see a medical professional about it, but I didn’t feel like I was taken seriously. It’s probably my fault. I tend to be understated when I talk about myself. I just can’t seem to look at someone and say, “Please! Help me! This is killing me.” I’ve developed other health conditions that doctors seem perplexed by, but I know it comes from the stress of maintaining a normal life when I feel this way. I’ve had multiple hospitalizations from going into atrial fibrillation and other arrhythmias, and my joints and muscles ache sometimes to the point that it causes me to change my gait or limp.
I guess I’ll keep trying, but it’s frustrating. I can’t believe that the way I feel is normal, or that everyone feels like this when “challenges” arise. That’s what the doctor said. It seems like the questionnaire she went through is flawed. She kept asking questions like how often do you contemplate killing yourself in the last month, and I answered none, but I wasn’t able to explain that’s because I understand that those thoughts are like a cliff--once you step over the edge, you can’t just step back. When those thoughts arise i react like your hand when you touch a hot stove. (I'm not in imminent danger to myself)
I don't know what I want from this. Maybe some insight would be helpful.
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self.depression
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I always talk with other people about their feelings, and deep down I want to talk about my own, but I feel like it's pathetic to talk about my own feelings, so I just keep everything inside me, waiting for it to kill me. I have some good friends and a great girlfriend, I always seem to help with their problems but never talk about mine. I've been depressed for roughly 4 years now and it's only getting worse, I want to tell my girlfriend but I fear that she'll see me as a fucked up person and leave, or just laugh at me. It's the same with my friends... i dont know what to do, i cry all the time and just want to disappear.
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self.depression
|
Outward Bound program? Lack of motivation to do anything to prepare..? I've spent around 6ish years in a fog of depression, anxiety and self loathing...I have no idea who I am anymore. The things I used to love mean almost nothing now...My grandma(I live with her) is a psychologist and has had a couple of patients go to an Outward Bound program and it changes their lives...I really want to go, but fear and a severe lack of motivation are preventing me from doing anything about it. I'd have to quit smoking(cigarettes) and start working out..At this point in my life I'm almost completely sedentary and the thought of working out daily is daunting...I WANT to, but I just can't seem to get off my ass and DO something. Has anyone done an Outward Bound program? Any advice on my working out/ smoking issue..I'd be going in March and I just don't know what to do....any help would be much appreciated..
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self.depression
|
How do you deal with being ugly? How do I deal with being repulsed by women? I've tried looking better yet I am still unattractive to the opposite gender.
I go to the gym 5 days per week and have used so many different steroid compounds over a long period of time to appear more attractive, I fear if I continue with my steroid usage I won't make my 40's, which might be a good thing.
I am so depressed there are no words for it, all that hard work and damaging my organs for nothing...
|
self.depression
|
Eating at a taqueria and I see two old classmates of mine. So im eating at a taco place with my family, and I see two classmates from high school, hence we graduated 3 and a half years ago. I'm not really a popular guy back then, they're kinda like the popular smart people, but we had class and interacted and such. But now I'm like hesitating greeting them in fear that they might not remember me. Like maybe not by face cuz i just dyed my hair red, but im afraid not by name either. *sigh* So I totally feel awkward...
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self.Anxiety
|
I’m sat with my legs over the motorway bridge I haven’t been too bad lately. I went to meet a couple of my friends to take them away from their Christmas parties to have a night out, I saw my ex. We got along great. She leaned in for kisses. She said ‘we can’t’. She spoke as if I was the one for her. I gave her cigarettes. I went in for drinks for us both. Eventually she had a phone call from her most recent guy to meet her downstairs. She took the drink, I put out the cigarette I just lit. She asked if I’m mad. I said I could never be mad at that - it’s her life. I ditched the taxi I had booked and took the long walk home. Not even the normal route, the longest route I knew - over the motorway bridge. I’m so sick of it. How does she find it so easy? Boyfriend after boyfriend, fling after fling. Right in my face. Women have it so easy in that sense. I can’t cope anymore. I honestly just want to be loved. I guess this is goodbye. Maybe not tonight, but I know now. Honestly. Fuck it.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I just want someone to hug I feel so pathetic writing this, 20 years old, never been in a relationship, I don't care about sex, I just want someone to hug who genuinely wants to be there and isn't doing it out of pity.
Snuggled up in bed watching a movie or tv show is my idea of heaven but it's never going to happen and that's what hurts the most, the thought my dream will never actually come true.
Why am I even writing this.
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self.depression
|
Suicide been on my mind a lot lately. I'm not entirely sure if this is the right place to post this, but it seemed like the most appropriate place. In the past few months, I've been having a lot of moodswings. I can be very happy one week, and feel like roadkill the next, for no apparent reason. As far as my history goes, I used to be bullied a lot, and was very depressed about it, and was in a bad home situation up until a year ago, but that's all done and dealt with.
I'm an 18 year old male, currently enrolled in college. I have plenty of friends, a lovely girlfriend who I've been together with for nearly a year now, my family's not in any big financial problems. I have a pretty darn fantastic life in my opinion, which is why these moodswings make no sense to me.
Once I am in a terrible mood, I'm either extremely sad or extremely angry. Whichever it is, my mind wanders off to thoughts about suicide multiple times a day. Now I wouldn't consider myself a threat to myself in any way, I'm not concerned about actually doing it. It's just the fact that it almost seems tempting to do it a lot of the times is worrying me. I know that sounds conflicting.
This was more of a getting it off my chest kind of post, though any input is of course appreciated.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I have a road test on Thursday. My husband doesn’t understand that I am terrified of driving [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Just got home from my first inpatient psychiatric stay after a suicide attempt Im very sedated, and feeling very out of my element after being cut off from civilization for the week. How have any of you dealt with the transition? Anything i can do to get back into the swing of life?
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self.bipolar
|
Relocating and finding a new job? I'll be moving with my fiance when she starts a grad school program this coming summer and my upcoming job search is really stressing me out. My current job is in academia/medical research and I've ended up with some scheduling flexibility that really helps when I'm not feeling well. I also haven't explicitly shared my mental health problems with my boss/coworkers, which has made me feel quite isolated. This has me conflicted about whether or not I should be open about my disorders during the job hunt and how to do that tactfully. Part of me would like to possibly stay in academia if possible, but mental health issues are not generally well accepted in this field (senior scientists concerned about your performance affecting their work/reputation, etc.) I'm also not opposed to changing fields, (I'm interested in working with computers and I've learned some web development on my own and taken a basic programming course.) In general I feel paralyzed when I start to think about finding a new job, I go straight to feeling inadequate, unqualified, unable to fit in, and just a total lack of confidence. I've been at my current job over 3 years and still struggle with imposter syndrome despite positive performance reviews, promotion, and receiving an award for my contribution to a particular project. I get along well with my coworkers, but they are all more educated and have experience practicing medicine abroad so it's hard for me not to look at myself as inferior or holding us back. This feeling gets magnified when I think about how it would feel trying to enter a new field. I'm also terrified of having issues with my health insurance during the transition, I'm on several medications that I'm not sure I could afford if my coverage lapses. I think I needed to rant, but I would really love some advice or stories of similar situations. Thanks in advance!
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self.Anxiety
|
I got the help I needed Hey everyone,
In 2015, I realized I had a problem and went to the doctors. I was diagnosed with GAD and depression, was put on Celexa and started CBT. Did CBT for a year and a half, and then continued to do it intermittently for the next 6 months. I gained a lot of confidence and knowledge about myself, and I never lost that.
Fast forward to last Saturday. I had a nervous breakdown. I self admitted to the ER, and signed the paperwork. I let the doctors have control of whether I would be released or not. I was then admitted to Benedictine Hospital into their SMC ward, with patients that were harmful to themselves and others. Yes, I admitted myself into a psych ward.
At first, I was terrified. "This is it, I'm locked up in a fucking psych ward, and I'm never getting out. I'm fucking Jack Nicholson from One Flew Over The Cuckoos Nest" I had my own room, with a heater, a window with curtains, a bed that was comfortable, and a really big bathroom. It was noisy and busy. Really busy. I cried and cried. A nurse told me the transition would be a little difficult, and she said she was going to let me have a few minutes to just let it all out, and I thanked her.
Then I stepped outside, with red eyes, in my scrubs that the legs were beginning to almost be see through because I was stimming so hard that I rubbed the material off the thighs of my pants, and Nurse Sarah introduced herself. She had all of the sun's warmth in her soul. She would be my nurse for the day, and the following days of my stay. We talked for a little bit about what brought me here, I was triggered by something I saw in a grocery store, but it was the proverbial straw that broke the camels back. I had been struggling with finding a job, no money, my father is showing signs of dementia, just a lot of stuff going on that had negative impacts. Reddit being another one of them! This place can be UBER bad for people with mental health issues (which is why I'm posting this and being DONE COMPLETELY)
She showed me a list of activities that were going on through the day, a lot of support groups with focus on art, music, dancing, self expression, that kind of stuff. Group therapy. I was all in, I'd wanted this type of help for a while and she showed me it was available. They also did blood work and found that I had high blood pressure (I knew this) and high cholesterol (duh). They put me on meds to help with both, and the blood pressure med is actually an anti ADHD and anxiety med.....and holy moley, ladies and gentlemen, boys and girls, children of all ages, I feel AMAZING for the first time in my life. My blood pressure ABSOLUTELY had a serious role in my less than stellar mental health!
So, with that out of the way, I was able to focus on going to groups. I learned so much from the groups, and I'll admit a lot of it really just reinforced what I'd learned in CBT, but with DBT I got a lot of print outs, stuff to read and fill out, homework for my mental health. In these group sessions, other patients expressed their feelings, their thoughts, but I'll admit I made sure I opened up fully first thing, because most people will be more likely to open up if they see someone else really trying. If no one tries, everyone kind of shuts down, so in a way, I made sure other people put in the work as well. You know what I found? Empathy. People who'd been struggling for a long time, they had empathy for me. They learned that I was a career person, I loved my work and was enthusiastic about talking about it, but they saw how my face would change when I talked about losing my job at TWC. They knew, I loved my job, I loved helping people, and they showed me I was a good person for that. Some patients were so empathetic, it was so beautiful. It showed me that there is still SUCH a stigma with mental health, and the people who suffer are the ones who have the most empathy towards it.
They put me on a diet, and every day I was "allowed" to select what food I wanted, but each time they'd change what I ordered because 9/10 times I'd pick stuff off my diet. So, eventually, as a joke I would just look at the menu, hand it back and say "ohh man that sounds lovely, thank you so much" and they'd just laugh. They knew I didn't care too much, as long as you fed me and showed me you were there for me, I played along. The food they selected for me wasn't terrible either so it wasn't a big deal at all. I'll admit, I actually liked the food. Was it as good as my stuff? Hell no, I'm a great cook, and if you saw muh belly you'd know this was a fact :)
My doctor and my social worker (omg my social worker was soooooo hot, genuinely fantastic at her job and her personality was so attractive!!) were like black belts with honors at mental health. If mental health were a video game, they were so good they played on the highest difficulty and made it look simple. Serious ninjas here. They helped me slay my dragons. But, really, they just said "You're hitting the wrong part, here, hit this part right here, the dragon is vulnerable in this spot, hit him here" and I did, and they were right. My blood pressure was a serious part of my issue, but I also wasn't opening up enough and just talking about how I felt. Once I did this, BAM, the confidence was back in me, and I knew I had this.
I knew, because of my experiences in life, that I was getting out, and fast. I knew I was better. And then....my social worker told me "you're out by the weekend, buddy." with a big smile on her face. A big....beautiful...."I need to marry this woman" kind of smile. I have an absolute crush on my social worker lol but I'm the type that respects game, and she has a ton of it. I love people who are really passionate about things and have a lot of skill and talent, and she is all of that and then some.
It's Saturday. I'm home. I've rearranged my bedroom to be more open so I can do yoga, play musical instruments, listen to music, draw, color, paint. I hung up reminders of good things, like my favorite video game series.
I told Sarah, if I ever have any sort of anxious thoughts or anything like that, I promise, I'm taking advantage of mental health hotlines and just going to talk out my feelings and express myself.
And with this, I say goodbye. Reddit is a trigger for me. The bans from moderators who abuse their power, the trolls, the genuinely negative and argumentative people are no longer welcome in my life. CM Punk, after he left the WWE, would get a lot of people on his twitter giving him shit for leaving. Punk said that twitter was his window to the world, and if someone was shouting into his kitchen window, he's going to close his window.
I'm not deleting my account, because I don't have to. But I'm shutting my window. Peace y'all.
CharlieMFNMurphy
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self.Anxiety
|
Hey guys I feel so happy. The first day of work went better than even expected. I woke up this am nervous as hell. And I went in and was told I did a great job. And absolutely loved it
|
self.Anxiety
|
I've decided that I will not live past 40. This morning I called my mom to ask her to get together for Thanksgiving. She let it go to voicemail, and hasn't called back. It is not surprising. Birthdays and holidays are the same. The final thread between me and family is fraying. All others have broken. Cousins, Aunts, Uncles - I am one sleep away from being entirely forgotten. Some way, somehow, I just excel at driving people away. It's my one true skill in life.
There are people I may call friends. Most live in other countries, or on other continents. Once a year or so, they may "like" a silly post of mine on Facebook. Obligingly so, of course, as one Facebook like only deserves another. Friends in name; as if it were contractual. In 10 years, they may not even recall my name. In 50 years, it will be like I had never existed. Like the countless, faceless majority, I may simply be part of a statistic in a History book. A number to help portray magnitude.
There are other acquaintances and co-workers, of course. People with which to have the same formulaic conversations at lunch - just different days. Television. Sports. Holidays. And every week; have I heard what so-and-so in another department did? Let's see, did she fight off a team of ninja assassins sent by a disgruntled ex/co-worker/romantic rival with only common office supplies? No? Well, excuse me for looking a bit dispassionate.
No pets - my allergies wouldn't allow it. Nothing but an empty apartment to come home to. My bed beckons after each shift, yet I cannot sleep. I feel like a vampire on a deserted island. Thirsty, insatiable; yet I can only drag myself on.
Year after year, the same small talk. The same solitary holidays. The same forgotten birthday. The same void of loneliness. A black hole created when lack of meaningful relationships causes your life to collapse in on itself. Crushing. Massive. No light, no hope, could possibly survive. Movies, video games, books, mountain climbing, bike riding - temporary distractions at best. It's been so long since I've felt joy that I can't recall what it looked like as I lurched passed it.
I used to ask myself what I had done to deserve to suffer. No longer. I know now that my existence causes pain. Every day I consume, every moment I breathe, takes resources away from others. Others who are younger, smarter, more alive than I. To fuel myself and my lifestyle, I indirectly rob thousands of others. So many, who were simply born in the wrong place at the wrong time; they know from childhood what I have only recently come to appreciate - the game was rigged from the start. It is an insult, and I feel shameful.
But now the void has cracked. A single ray of light, blindingly bright. I must only live five more years. Enough time to make amends; to make one last push. And then, peace. Eternal and absolute. I can hardly wait.
|
self.offmychest
|
I forced myself to work on a school project through a major depressive wave It was hard to even leave my room this morning but I managed to do it. I don't know how but I'm happy I did.
|
self.depression
|
I love you, but your insecurities are killing me. (An open letter) We found each other, when we were each residing in our darkest of places. You said to me "I'm the worst version of myself, at the worst time, in the worst situation. I can't impress anyone" the first night we were getting to know each other. You were wrong, I was **completely** blown away - beyond impressed by who and what you are.
You have crippling depression, chronic physical pain that makes every attempt at ruining your life, BPD, ADHD, PTSD, agoraphobia, cripppling anxiety, guilt issues, and daddy issues. I love you regardless, and accept every part of you.
I have crippling depression, am bipolar, and have PTSD topped with some mild narcissistic tendencies, and vintage daddy issues. You accept all of that anyway, and the two shipwrecks that we found each other as, we decided we can help each other rescue ourselves. That we would compile resources, compare notes, and find a way to sail out of this abyss - together.
It was a very, very happy couple of months for us, though I was having an easier time accepting happy than you were. You began to try to warn me away from you:
> "I am not good for anyone, I'm especially not good for you. I am a broken and drowning person, and if you stay, I'll take you with me. I can't risk inflicting myself on anyone as worthy as you."
> "I'm afraid I've somehow led you on with false advertisement. False hope. Hope of recovery, that I could eventually contribute, help build shelther, or forage nuts and berries, do ANYthing besides allow you to carry us both."
I assured you that I had read all warning labels clearly, that while you aren't in a "brief period of depression" that all things end, eventually. That recovery isn't a destination, but a journey, and a journey that I'm very content to make together, hand-in-hand.
> "I'm tired of burdening you, of watching your load get heavier because of me, when **my** load doesn't even get lighter by sharing. It gets heavier because I know I'm placing them on YOU."
But we talked about the importance of sharing burdens with each other, or sharing with others. We were both going to therapy, together, and were both still going to therapy on our own. We continued to improve, we kept walking, even if we were both afraid of that next step, we walked anyway.
I love you, wholly, and completely and while I've never said it to you, you seem to have a knack for knowing.
I love that it takes an adorable hour and a half to get you out of the house, your agoraphobia manifests in the cutest way possible.
I love that sometimes when I come over, we don't speak for an hour or two. We hug, share a chaste kiss, and just lay with each other while YT plays with a mind of its own.
I love cooking for you, I love that you'll actually eat when I do, when you'll go a day or two without eating if I'm not there to remind you.
I love taking care of you, keeping your appointments for you, reminding you to take your meds, or that we have an appointment in 6 hours and we should try to sleep.
I love that we'll sometimes hold hours-long conversations strictly in metaphors, because standard language doesn't always do justice to what we're feeling and experiencing.
I love that you refuse to plan for the future, because that fact alone means we live entirely in the moment.
I love the way you look at me when you're having a complete and total meltdown, and I grab your hands, and tell you it's going to be okay. That I'm here, and you're here, that we both exist, and as long as that holds true, we're going to make it.
I love that you're always willing to assess your state, that even when you're feeling suicidal, you'll tell me about it, we'll talk about it.
I love that after 10 years of self-destructive behavior, abusive relationships, and willingly allowing ourselves to be manipulated, we have found each other.
But last night, I laid in your lap and you ran your hand through my hair, to the sounds of Cryaotic playing games on YT, and that exchange shook my world. I told you, with sincerity, how grateful I was to have found you, and to have you in my life. I was expecting your pained smile. Knowing the words made you happy, but that down inside, you were still going to think you don't deserve me. You didn't smile though, something twisted inside you, and I could literally see your demons stirring inside while you formulated these words:
"You're going to love me.... soon. Aren't you?"
"*::smiles::* I suppose that it's pretty likely, yes."
"Well, I'm going to disappoint you... soon."
I do, love you. And I'll tell you, soon. But it's going to make you redouble your efforts to push me away. We've discussed your habit for self-sabotage (and mine for that matter), and your tendency to push away the people that mean most to you. How you're afraid to be vulnerable, and afraid to "inflict yourself" on anyone "good."
Well, I'm not "good." I'm good for you, and you're good for me. But I'm starting to get tired of having to work twice as hard every time you try to push me away. And you try, a lot.
I know I've made you happy, made you smile, and made you laugh, even when it was the last thing you wanted to do. And you've done the same for me. You constantly "compare" what I've done for you, against what you've done for me. But what you fail to recognize is that most of what you've done for me is invisible to you, but I see it clear as day.
You have made me a stronger person, a better person, and a healthier person. Because I live my life for two, now, for both of us. Sometimes I despair, and I don't want to be strong, I don't want to be healthy for myself. But I keep moving now, because I have to be strong for YOU, healthy for YOU. And it's incredible to have more than just me, as a reason to continue.
You are the reason I continue to better myself. You're the reason I chased that promotion, got my raise, tried to better position myself to take of myself, and you. You are the reason I'm still here, still breathing, because I was pretty damned suicidal when I met you.
I love you, and everything about you, but your insecurities are killing me. You are the most beautiful person I've ever known, both inside and out - but it's inside that matters. You've lived such a painful life devoid of joy for so long. I just want to provide that joy to you for more than a day or two, before you shut down and isolate yourself from me for a day or two, spending your days crying and telling yourself you don't deserve me, and that you're going to hurt me.
I'm not afraid of hurt. We don't get to choose whether or not we get hurt in this life, it happens to all of us. We get to choose **who** has the opportunity to hurt us: and I choose you, Pikachu. <3
Sorry this was so long, it's something I wish I could send her, and I can't. So I'm sending it to Reddit, instead.
I don't expect many to have read this, or it to get any comments. But thanks for the random stranger that might have :)
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self.offmychest
|
DAE become anxious about jobs they no longer work at? Or is it normal? Sometimes I'll have to travel in the direction of my old job and a wave of dread just pours over me. I have the same feeling that I had on my first day (never got over this feeling, actually...): Nervous, paranoid, fearful, anxious, and generally wanted to go home.
|
self.Anxiety
|
i'm moving on! I had fun with you while it lasted. I was aware that your feelings for me were starting to get more than just friends. Our sexy times were great. But in reality I have to move on. We will never happen. In fact we were never going to happen. Sorry but I had to be honest with you and tell you this.
Go back to the one that you love. Forget about me
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self.offmychest
|
How to push through? I am 20 years old and work as a detailer at a body shop. I have tried finding a career that I like and aircraft painting is something I'd be interested in. Unfortunately I cannot go to school because I need to work full time, and classes are only in the mornings. So i have to work my way up. I need to move up to a painters helper where I work and hopefully ask the boss or the painter if I could learn. But something in me keeps telling me that they won't let me learn. That the painter is too busy to teach me. And I get down because I don't know what I'd do if they said that. Anybody have some advice on how to keep headstrong and push through?
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self.Anxiety
|
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