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Just realized that I'm not really living for anything. I don't really feel anything anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm a disappointment to my parents because I don't want to go to grad school. I hope I don't come across as entitled, or like I've never had a single problem in my life. Please let me know if I'm just being whiny.
If you read all of this, thank you.
I've been out of college for two years now. I graduated the month after I turned 20. When my parents brag about this, they round it down to 19.
I first told my parents I wanted to write when I was in elementary school. They supported me then; even when I was too young to type quickly, my mother would help me write by typing what I dictated. I joined a young writers club and shared my stories, and my parents faithfully took me every week.
The next time I told my parents I wanted to write, I was in middle school. I let them read every chapter of the book I was working on. My father called me from Afghanistan every week with comments about what he'd enjoyed, what he hadn't, and what he thought so far. They told me I was a genius. I just liked writing.
When I was in high school, I told my parents again that the only thing I wanted to do was write. This time, however, my pronouncement was met with frowns. They told me it was impossible to make a living off of writing; I would have to marry rich, be poor for the rest of my life, or relegate writing to the status of a mere hobby.
I convinced myself I wanted to be a lawyer. My parents were thrilled.
To that end, I majored in political science. I found the subject interesting, but it didn't capture me the same way fiction writing did. By the time I realized the thought of going to law school made my guts twist up inside of me, though, I was too far into college to change my major without tagging on an extra two years. I stuck it out; I did my capstone, and graduated, and then I was out in the world.
I became severely depressed after I graduated. After years of *knowing* I couldn't make it as a novelist, I had no direction in my life anymore. I started teaching part-time because I needed to be able to feed myself and pay the rent, but even that fell through when I was forced to move across town after an incident with a terrible landlord. I had no car. I had no license. It felt like I had nothing except my degree, my novel, and my now-husband.
I found a counselor who took my health insurance and started seeing him. A month later, my mother called me and asked what the hell could be wrong with me that I'm seeing a therapist. She begged me to stop seeing him because every employer I'd ever apply to after would see that I was crazy.
I kept seeing him, though. I started feeling better, piece by piece; I found a job tutoring online. I started thinking there could be a future again. Still, though, all I wanted to do was write. But writing would get me nowhere, would it?
I convinced myself I wanted to go to grad school.
My parents were thrilled.
They were so thrilled, in fact, that they offered to let me stay with them for very little rent for a year while I sorted out all of the application business and letters of recommendation and such. My husband transferred to a university near them and I applied for a few jobs in the area, and we moved in last December. I started teaching again and quickly got to work on my applications - and by "quickly," I mean I completely avoided even thinking about them.
My parents, meanwhile, quickly got to work bragging about me. I was their genius child, they told people, who graduated at 19 and was now applying for grad school and was married to an aspiring lawyer. As I heard their stories about how their friends had ooh'd and ahh'd over my "brilliance," I looked at the way I completely avoided any discussion of grad school and began to feel trapped. Still, I took the GRE, and my parents started to brag about my 166 verbal too. They had it in their heads that I was going to go to Cornell, or maybe Harvard.
Things came to a head when, wracked with anxiety, I couldn't force myself to work on my personal statement. I'd previously sent requests for letters of rec out to my professors in October; of course, these requests were met with confused emails asking me where my personal statement was and that it was already quite late to not have a personal statement, especially for a December deadline. I cried - not because I wanted to go, but because I felt like I had to go. My husband was going to go to law school, and he and I were going to plan the schools we were applying to around each other. My parents also weren't going to let me stay past a year, and so I *had* to get out, I *had* to do something, and so I shat out a personal statement.
One of my professors called me. We talked for about thirty minutes. She very gently told me that my personal statement needed a bit of work, that I had defined it too narrowly, that I needed to research a little more and figure out where my proposal sat in the field. She told me she would give me a letter of rec if I wanted, but that it was a little late; "Your letters will probably be more well-written if you wait a year," she said. "This is the sort of thing where you really ought to discuss it with your professors several months beforehand so they can write in-depth letters, not just general 'wow this person is smart and they do good at academics' letters."
I told my parents this. They told me that the professor was jealous of my brilliance (???) and that I *had* to apply this year.
The more I thought about it, though, the more I realized I didn't want to. I'd cried after hanging up with my professor, sure, but it was more out of relief than it was a longing to go to grad school. My parents starting hounding me about my applications, however, and asking me how they were doing every other day.
Today, two days before the application deadline, I told my mother that I wasn't sure I ever wanted to go in the first place.
She told me I was a disappointment. She told me that I was wasting my brilliance being merely okay with a four-year degree, that I was wasting myself, that I was going to regret this. She told me that I was an entitled, lazy child who had never had to do a day's work in their life and that maybe if she'd left me at my old college town, I would be desperate enough to have the motivation to go to grad school. She told me what a disappointment it would be to tell all of her friends that I had decided not to apply after all because I was "too scared." She told me that I had produced nothing; that it would stay that way unless I applied to grad school.
I reminded her of my novel. She told me my novel was never going to come out.
I finished dinner and excused myself. I went upstairs and called my husband repeatedly until he picked up. I cried to him for forty minutes before he had to go. Then I opened my novel and worked on it until I couldn't deal with the emotions anymore, and now I'm writing this.
I'm not trying to make my parents sound like terrible people, although they can definitely be terrible at times. After college, when I had no idea what to do anymore, they gave me food. They gave me shelter and insisted on taking the smallest amount of money possible in return. Hell, they paid for a good chunk of my college when they could have been using the money to stay afloat after my father lost his job. I love them, and that's why it hurt so bad when my mother told me what a disappointment I was.
I'm going to lose my room, and my computer, and the car they lent me. I'm going to lose my mother's homemade macaroni and cheese, her own recipe that she makes only for me because she knows how much I love it. I'm going to have to find a new apartment and a new job. But I feel free.
This past year alone, I've written 90,000 words in the latest draft of my novel. I know finishing my novel isn't going to magically make everything better, and I know I'm going to have to probably continue teaching for a long time in order to stay afloat.
But I feel free.
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self.offmychest
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I feel like my life is going to end at the end of a rope. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I hate my life I miss when I was a child, no younger sibling and life was great no bullying and life was great. Now I hate my life, I have a younger sibling, I get bullied in school, I had a masturbation problem, I hate my size, I’m ugly, I can’t pronounce some words correctly, My two friends in school turned against me, Both my siblings hate me, I just want to end it all, I hate all my features and I hate my life.
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self.depression
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Suicidal boyfriend We've been together about a year, he has a lot of debt from his time in active addiction that he still hasn't had the money to make payments on, he feels shitty about getting in trouble at work, not having a degree at 27 years old, not being able to potentially do a coding camp my dad offered to pay for because of probation, an old arrest potentially landing him back in jail for a year, and so on.. I try to comfort him in every way possible, just listening, rubbing his back, holding him, telling him how we can handle things together and that I'll help him, actually helping him, telling him things he can do, giving him space, being there for company, trying to get him to meditate, everything... And he just gets frustrated at me for even trying to help, when I put him before everything else in my life, like school and finals and my research and myself. I've been depressed many times and am generally a pretty depressed person, so I do empathize and understand, but when he flat out tells me that he is done over and over again, tells me he is going to kill himself, not now but soon, he "just knows it" and that he will tell me when, I don't know how to take it.. And don't know what to do. I don't want to break up with him because I love him so much and know he just needs help, I'm getting him set up with a therapist finally, he was waiting because he's broke but I'm just gonna have my parents pay for him. Hes been depressed for a really long time and says it's just getting worse.. I just need help with what to do in these situations.. He's really a happy guy a lot of the time, cute and loving and has more interests and love for life and learning than I've ever had. Sociable and always wanting to try new things, but when he gets into these dark places of absolutely giving up, with nothing capable of making him feel better, I don't know what to do or how to be there for him, and it consumes me because I love him so much and can see how real the pain is and how much he detests himself and how he has lived his life, and in his eyes he becomes the person that the people he has hurt see him as, all of his worst traits in his lowest moments, and I can do or say nothing and just wait as the pressure grows and he snaps in some way or another... And then at some point starts feeling better.
What can I do in these moments for him?
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self.SuicideWatch
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(23f)I feel like I dont have any passions. Help?? I am a 23 year old lady. I have a good enough job for my age and a pretty good housing situation right now, Im just feeling very listless most days. I need helping figuring out what other people do to find out what their passions are?
I dont have much money, I mean I make enough for rent and groceries and hopefully soon enough I'll have money for a car. But Other then just reading every so often and going to the gym 4-5 times a week I feel as though I dont have enough to do with my free time.
Can anyone help with ideas if they've been in this position? I usually feel alright about myself but lately Ive been feeling like I could do more. I just don't know what.
Help please! or if there is a subreddit better for this, please let me know! Thank you for your time.
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self.offmychest
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I don't want to feel alone and brokenhearted anymore. I want to slip away. I'm good person, never hated anyone, never got into a fight, I have many friends, I'm tiny bit weird, I have survived horrible divorce of my parents that happened three years ago and I Believe I have been brought up right and well taught.
Never believed I'd write here. Testimony of my failure.
I'm not ugly, I'm perhaps overweight or fat but I try to battle it and I'm slowly losing weight.
I see my friends having teenage loves, first kisses, first sex, regular partners, life parents, sex partners. I'm the odd one out. I crave it. But I crave it with someone meaningful.
Since my childhood I have fallen in love with one girl who also helped me to get through family divorce, it took me three years to get over her. Now I'm 19 years old. I started doing Tinder about year ago. I had couple offers for sex but deeply inside I have craved something more meaningful, to share these moments with someone I love.
I got rejected once, befriended some, I rejected two girls because I didn't want to have just sex with them but last two months were dreading. It makes my heart bleed.
Two months ago I have met this one girl on Tinder, we had one coffee date and i didn't think much of it because next day she left to study in Spain. (but she was supposed to come back in a month.) But through that entire month we were texting to each other and occasionally talking on the phone.
It was nice, but I couldn't believe girl like her could like someone like me (she's completely out of my league). So I wasn't looking for someone but when I made a trip with one of my friend he decided to tag along one of his female friends. We had chemistry, talked to 4am, shared our darkest secrets, future plans. For the first time in my life I felt like girl could love me. It turns out that she has a boyfriend for past five years that she's unhappy with him and it's borderline abusive, cheated on each other multiple times. Yet she loves him and even though she feels something for me she is not able to leave him. So I start to fall apart, but I at least accept her friendship and
before I could start feeling bad and understand what's happening the girl from Spain came back and we have met. She filled every single void that there was. She filled it with more and more. I thought I couldn't be more happier even though I honestly was aware that it was for borrowed time. On the first date I held her, she fell asleep in my lap, we kissed. It was beautiful. We then go again on a movie date and we have fun. Day after it's great. Day after that she starts to get weird three days later after we have seen each other she messages me
> I have to tell you something and I don't know how to say this, but I'm afraid of what is between us because right know im unable to go into relationship or something like that. Before I have left to Spain I have been through hard breakup and when I came back I have found out that some things are not sorted out. I don't want to be unfair towards you. What I want to say that I want to message with you and spend time with you but I just don't want you to think I can give you something more.
I want to cry and die. Nothing is helping I have slept over this and it got worse significantly. I'm checking every five minutes if she will log back in. I can only think of how I can't lose her. It's tearing me apart.
Im now looking for a ways to escape this. I don't. I can't feel like this no more. I have decided to give her my heart and it got tossed away again.
I want to just disappear without hurting anyone but at the end of the day should I care when I won't be here? I can't feel like that anymore.
Love? Is this how it feels?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is this dp or dr? Recently after some major stress and anxiety I feel almost empty? For a while I was worried about going crazy but now I just feel like something is off.
Its almost like the my sense of self and world are completely changed. It's giving me pretty bad anxiety on top of it.
Anyone got advice for how to improve this?
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self.Anxiety
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Why is the "its going to get better" meme thrown around? For some situations no, its not going to fucking get better. You have terminally ill cancer patients who are past the point of recovery who you know have little time left. Yet you still tell them that "don't worry, everything will be fine." I hate such coping mechanisms. Fuck this society.
Likewise, my appearance and looks will always hold me back to find a romantic partner. And please fuck off with the "danny devito still got married" etc bullshit. You don't know shit about what is behind the scenes of a relationship. Often, it can be rocky and fully related to looks. SO FUCK YOU if you give me shit platitudes.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel so left out so im gonna try to keep this short... my life is crap basically my parents are very over protective i cant have a phone or go online (on here secretly on my xbox) I cant talk to friends after school unless my parents really know them they are always getting me in trouble for the stupidest stuff and if my other siblings do the same stupid stuff they dont care my only friends moved and my one other friend is in a mental hospital he was my closest friend and my parents didnt like him so i couldnt talk to him after school and didnt even know he went to hospital till the next day and no one talks to me i can never leave the house (except for school) the people at my school only really are friends with people that talk to then on social media and theres so much more but it is very hard to type with an xbox controller. if you want to know more just ask... just wish i could take a knife and...
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self.depression
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Depression can feel like the only reality that exist Especially being on here 4+ hours a day, you forget that there are people out there who just live their life, wake up, go to work, see friends, date, go out for fun and do all these normal things.
By cutting myself of I limit what I can see as possible and enjoyable. I have created my own mental prison that reinforces itself by looking at its surroundings.
May try and finding some support group or something to get me out, I can't continue like this.
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self.depression
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I want to die... help I'm struggling with suicidal thoughts and severe anxiety. I don't have any friends to talk to and most of my family think I'm a loser. I just need a friend but even that seems too hard.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Got pulled up on stage and asked to strip tease last night. Still feeling overwhelmed, anxious, and cringey. Any ideas of how to reduce anxiety. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Showed step bro I cut he didn't say much. I kinda hinted at it but told him I didn't want to tell him cuz it will bring down his mood. He said he didn't care so I showed him my cuts. He said oh ok I have friends who do that...
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self.depression
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Not sure what I'm feeling anymore. Is it anxiety? Depression? Or just low self esteem? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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My best friend betrayed me in the worst of ways On November 6th my boyfriend of ten years and fiancé told me he had fallen out of love with me. My heart shattered into pieces.
Since then, my best friend of 15 years was my support. Consoling me, telling all about how this is a new life for me now, and how much fun I'll have when I move out into a new place.
Me and the ex are still living together while I look for a new place. And things have been ok, we don't talk all that much, we keep to ourselves, but it's friendly and we've even shared a few laughs.
A week after he broke up with me, he text me telling me he needed some space to clear his head so he would be spending the night at his colleagues house.
This was on the Monday night.
He didn't come home on Tuesday either.
Then on Wednesday, my best friend picked me up so I could spend the night at her place.
We've been doing that for a month now, he'll stay at his colleagues Monday Tuesday, then I leave on Wednesday and return Thursday.
So all in all we weren't seeing each other much.
Then on Friday of last week he had a work function to go to. It didn't last as long as he thought it would so afterwards he text me telling me he's going out for drinks with his work colleagues.
Then he says he's too drunk to drive home so he's spending the night at this usual colleagues place.
He didn't come home on Saturday either. Couldn't be bothered to drive, having too much fun playing video games.
I was feeling very lonely at this point so I messaged my best friend to get some support. She said "if he doesn't come home tomorrow, text me and I'll come and pick you up".
He did come home the next day, Sunday.
This week was a bit different, he didn't spend Monday night at his colleagues place.
On Tuesday after work he messaged me telling me he would be a bit late because he was going to do his Christmas shopping.
Wednesday I went to my friends as usual, came back Thursday, and that evening we exchanged Christmas gifts.
I knew he was leaving to go spend the holidays with his family on Friday after work. I needed something out of his bag but he was going to leave for work a 4am so I couldn't wait or I wouldn't have a chance to get it before he left.
So I went and got it from his bag.
Along with what I was looking for, I found a receipt. It was for 2 adult and one child tickets to an aquarium thing. It was dated the day of his work function, at the time he told me he was in a bar.
In shock, I immediately sent a message to my best friend. Was he seeing someone???
She expressed surprise at this as well. Maybe it was nothing she said. Maybe there was a logical explanation.
After a few messages back and forth, I decided to go back and this time empty his bag on the counter.
He always just shoves receipts in his bag so there were quite a few of them.
I found another dated the same day, for a grocery store where I noticed he had bought some baby cereals.
Then I found another for Tuesday lunch time. The day of his Christmas shopping. He had text me to tell me he was eating in McDonalds alone.
But the receipt was for a restaurant, again with a child's menu included.
Then the last receipt I found, and this is when it all kicked into place, was for a clothes shop. Dated the day of the work thing.
The loyalty account credited for these purchases was listed as "best friends name"...
At this point I'm feeling sick.
I tell her what I've found.
And then it all comes out.
It was her (and her baby). The aquarium, the groceries, the restaurant, the clothes shop....
For over a month and a half now they have been secretly meeting up.
She said she had promised him she wouldn't abandon him in the break up. And instead of telling me, they decided to lie and scheme. So many fucking lies.
She was "the work colleague"
So he was going to her house on Monday, leaving for work from there on Wednesday, then barely a few hours later she was picking me up, to replace him.
When I text her saying how lonely I was, he was there.
When she said she hadn't had any news from him. They were in daily contact.
When she said "if he doesn't come home, tell me and I'll pick you up"
She knew he was coming home because he was with her the whole time.
She said she didn't have the courage to cut him off. She said she hoped it would all just go away. But that's another lie since it was ongoing. As recently as a few days ago.
15 years of friendship and she couldn't bring herself to pick me. Over the guy who broke my heart.
All the while she was playing the supportive friend, she was lying and scheming with him.
She said nothing happened between them, which I'm stupidly inclined to believe. But at this point, she might as well have been.
I've never felt pain like this. She was my only friend. I supported her through so much, and she couldn't do the same without lying on the side.
She was the one I went to for help, and consoling and support, and laughs, and now I have no one.
The whole ordeal led me to cut myself :(
I couldn't stand to stay in that house another minute, with him sleeping peacefully in the next room.
So I phoned my mum and she came to rescue me at 3 in the morning.
I managed to fill a bag with some clothes, grab whatever I could, get my dog and go outside without him waking up.
He knew something was up though. Because I didn't have time to clear away the evidence of my cutting. And I saw the lights go off inside while I was sat on the pavement waiting for my mother.
So here I am. Spending the worst Christmas ever at my mum's.
Me and her husband don't speak so it's infinitely awkward.
I hate my life right now.
I feel utterly worthless. 10 years of a relationship and 15 years of friendship and they do this.
So not only am I still getting over a break up with the man I was supposed to marry and grow old with, now I also have no friends.
I'm so betrayed and hurt and alone that at this point I just want to stop existing.
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self.offmychest
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Suicidal thoughts are choking every aspect of my life. Should I admit myself? Kinda xpost from r/depression I have been dealing with depression for years now and have been doing everything I can to get better. Recently I have been having suicidal thoughts. And even though I have no intention of following through I feel as though my depression would. Whenever I used to get this way I’d think of all the things I love in this world and I’d change my mind pretty quick. But now it seems every time I try to do that those thoughts get choked out by my depression. Every positive thought I have gets drowned out and stomped on by the suicidal thoughts and general self loathing. All motivation is gone for me and this point and I do things simply so I am not a burden to people anymore. I’m scared that in a slump of sel hatred and meaninglessness I’ll do something stupid.. I’m not myself when I’m depressed and I don’t know how to fix it.
I am beginning to think my meds are having an opposite effect on my mood. I dont know if thats even possible but im seriously considering admitting myself to the hospital.
I dont know how to bring this up to anyone, my friends, family, gf, therapist, etc
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self.SuicideWatch
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The feeling The feeling
The feeling of emptiness, soulless, and nothing.
Alone, worthless, and dark.
The I do not care anymore feeling.
The I do not want to do anything feeling.
The feeling of emptiness, soulless, and nothing.
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self.SuicideWatch
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On probation and beyond anxious... I'm Bipolar II and tried to self medicate my bazillion mental issues with weed, but got in trouble for it blah blah. Anyway, now I'm on probation for 6 months(only have like 4 left woohoo)! I can't afford treatment right now, hence the self medication, and I'm really paranoid and anxious about fucking this all up. I know I won't, I don't smoke or drink anymore, and I do everything they want me to perfectly, but I cannot get rid of this anxiety and paranoia! I've emailed and called my case manager like a million times asking stupid questions, and I can tell he's annoyed with me(or is that the paranoia as well?). I'm having really bad, vivid nightmares and it's fueling my deppresive episode even more than usual. Has anyone else been in a similar situation? Do you get really paranoid?
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self.bipolar
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Work issues? Ok here comes a long post...
I am having a mixed episode—constantly crying but also paranoid thoughts. I had to leave work abruptly because of this, I told my coworker I was leaving and why, since my boss was in a meeting. Boss just texted me saying, “I need you back at the clinic in an hour. If you’re not here, I will assume you’re no longer with us.”
I have been an employee that typically gets excellent reviews. I actually used to run an entire clinic for a couple years, but recent stepped down because I’m in nursing school full-time and it was too much. I made a mistake recently and got a nasty email about it this morning, that was also sent to the entire clinic and multiple other employees.
One of my “delusions” was that I was getting fired and the whole clinic was talking about me and conspiring to get me kicked out because I’m “crazy” even though I honestly haven’t been showing symptoms yet to them until today.
I am now at the hospital waiting for a room and I told my boss this and she said, “Make sure you get a note explaining your absence and I will have a meeting with you when you come in for your shift on Friday.”
Has something like this happened to anyone else? What did you do? Can they fire me for having a mixed episode? Ugh my meds are so fucked up right now too 😕
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self.bipolar
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DAE experience these Digestive symptoms as a result of anxiety? * Intense nausea, hypersalivation, gagging when trying to eat
* Intense hunger to the point of being dizzy, barely relieved by eating food
* Starts feeling nauseous in the middle of eating at times, and quickly starts being sweaty with the need to poop right away.
* Pooping over 4 times a day (l have to go right away or feel like I'm going to pass out), followed by abdominal pain
* Chest pressure after eating (between breasts)
* Acid Reflux
* Burning sensation on the left side of chest/colon
* Yellow stool
* Feeling like food gets stuck in throat
PS: Got tested for diabetes, liver & pancreatic & gallbladder issues, got a complete ultrasound of my abdomen 2 months ago, heart ultrasound 2 years ago, stomach x-Ray & endoscopy 1 year ago. Nothing weird was found.
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self.Anxiety
|
My stepfather died suddenly on Thursday night and I'm not sure if I feel anything about it... I moved out of my home town over a decade ago shortly after my mother died when I was 20. I have two sisters, one I don't speak to and one I do, although we're not particularly close.
My sister's father died on Thursday night after mistaking a UTI for his usual chronic back pain, it sounds like it had reached his kidneys and he became delirious on Wednesday. Perked up but refused to be hospitalised, then died Thursday evening.
Both he and my mother were terrible at seeking medical attention when things went to shit. Likely due to their drug dependency over the years.
Both he and my mother were heroin addicts. In my mother's case, her drug habit provided some comfort as she slowly died from terminal cancer over a number of years, even if it wasn't even the cancer that killed her in the end (It was medical negligence at the end of the day, but that's another story)
Let me backtrack a bit, as life is messy.
My mother was married to my stepfather since they were teenagers. They seperated at one point, which is when she met my father, who turned out to be an uninterested piece of shit when it came to me and my mother. Then she ended up back with her husband.
He was never much of a father to me but was probably the closest thing I had to one.
Most of my memories of him from when I was little was sitting in the car while he went to use payphones in the middle of nowhere to contact his dealer. Occasionally meeting his dealers (one of which I remember had a gorgeous wee Staffordshire terrier) and the occasional game of pool in a police station when he's been lifted while we've been out.
Yes, he opened his home to us and he was a great help with my mother when things were at their worst, and for those acts, I'm grateful. But like almost anyone suffering from addiction, their addictions come first.
The last time I spoke to him, I think, was probably around the scattering of my mother's ashes. After I left town, I never heard from him again.
So, for the last 12 years, he had been a stranger. The years before that, he was a junkie. (Fuck I absolutely hate the word "Junkie".)
The town I grew up in is horrible. It's suffocating. Everyone just plods on, doing the same thing day in, day out.
All the people I knew when I lived there are still doing the same. Still got the same drug habits. Still unemployed, still no aspirations of any kind. My nephew's went from bright, inquisitive kids that could've had the world, to stoners with no job, too lazy to even get down to the Jobcentre every two weeks for benefits.
I got out. Got myself an education. Battled through having my knees rebuilt and then a stroke when I was 28. I'm married to an amazing woman, have an absolutely brilliant two year old daughter and we're expecting our second kid in March.
My sister's father died. A man who I don't really have any fond memories of, but he was still technically my stepfather. But I don't think I feel anything.
If anything, there's a little dread. My wife met one of my sisters and a handful of close friends at our wedding and the odd visit a few years ago. But our lives are busy, so the 300 or so mile trip down is just something we haven't made time for. But my daughter, I've been so relieved that she hasn't been introduced to that horrible shit hole of a town. But with an impending funeral that we'll have to attend. I'm going to have to take my daughter to that town and surround her with people I couldn't give a shit about.
I have a couple of close friends there it would be amazing to see, but literally like 2 People... I don't really want my daughter in the rest of their company.
Bleagh. Apologies if this is overly fragmented. It's 2:25am and my daughter is going through a bit of a sleep regression phase right now, so I've had to go and give her a little cuddle and put her back in bed a couple of times while writing this out.
Not really wanting any advice. Just rambling, really...
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self.offmychest
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undecided I've been feeling like this for a while now.
I cut my wrists (small cuts) at least once a week and every time I do it it hurts less, makes me dream about deeper cuts, I'm just afraid of doing it.
Nobody seems to understand what I'm going through. I''m tired of hearing the ''what's wrong?'' or the infamous ''there has to be a reason for you to feel like that'' and sometimes there's no reason, others I just forget it.
9 months ago I was abused by a drunk guy in a party and for months I did like nothing happened but now i cannot forget it.
Instead of trying to get better, I got my support from an impossible love (for now) and I can't talk with him now. I don't feel like I have friends and my parents do not understand... I want to go to therapy but always feel like something won't let me go.
I want to kill myself, stop breathing and let people cry over my grave and forget about me a month later.
I don't want to feel empty anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I get so so easily annoyed. I cant stand when my friends talk about how anxious they are and i dont know why. I am obviously always there for them but it just annoys me and i feel selfish. Also we have his project to do for school thats due monday and my friend was texting me freaking out saying ahe spilled a something on hers and shes going to get her mam to talk to teacher. I just thought "but you have an excuse for not having it done?!" I dont have mine done and ive no excuse.
Even wen other friends say like "they cant deal with this" if they have a lot of homework one night or something i just get so annoyed coz i think "i feel that way all the time".
I dont know why i get so agitated, i just do. It makes me feel selfish. Im always there for my friends but it just annoys me. I dont know if its anxiety causing this or not
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self.Anxiety
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Why I spend so much time with my animals [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Wish I could go into 2018 not wanting to die [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I enter depressive states whenever I hear Game of Thrones/ASoIaF mentioned. This is most likely the stupidest thread on the subreddit, but as the title says, I get severely depressed whenever I hear the name of the series and related words and phrases associated with it like character names or certain lines.
This is in part due to internalized misogyny that I've had since I was young enough to know that I'm a weaker and stupider version of half the world.
The other part is how popular it is, and I'm conflicted over trying to like it like everyone else, but it's proving to be impossible. I'm not proud that I hate it.
They make games, action figures, and even heard people plan to theme their fucking weddings around it!
It may be a projection of the larger web of problems I have, but what I feel is real enough to affect me. I end up shutting down, my mind melting from self-hatred, anger, and fear. I nap in the middle of the day until much of the crippling dissipates.
I needed to get this off my chest in hopefully the right place. Maybe someone could help me through putting this to rest and/or even join in bagging it with me.
Edit 1/10/2018: Today's the third day since the last time it happened. Please, I really need help with this.
Just some other voice out here somewhere.
It's really that stupid of a way to depressed, isn't it?
But it keeps coming.
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self.depression
|
Bipolar 1 with psychotic features, meds or no meds? I tried posting something yesterday when I was mixed but I don't know.
I really don't want to go on medication, but I'm losing hope. How do you live without medication? The way I see it is that I've lived my whole life anyways without medication, why start now? I mean I know it's a bit different now because the intensity of my episodes are much worse at this point in my life compared to any othee point.
But I'm afraid it will take away the happiness, the euphoria. All the good stuff. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is because I got lucky with my natural mix of chemicals and tend to be euphoric most of the time. (You know, until the anger comes) But I'm afraid I am disillusioned by my mania, and that I am unable to truly see how it negatively impacts my life.i have a psychologist but I've only seen him twice and i dont even know how a psychologist will help
I don't know, I feel fucked.
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self.bipolar
|
Seeking Suggestions: Supplements or solutions to medication brain fog? Many meds have brain fog as a side effect. Are there any supplements or solutions you have found to combat this?
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self.bipolar
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I had a good day, why can't I think of anything else but suicide? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Stitches for Self Harm Today Today I lost it. I have been taking 60mg of Cymbalta for 6 months, which was prescribed to me incorrectly by a GP. I have been on a constant rapid cycling roller coaster. Today at work I was arguing with my wife (we own a print business together) and I took an xacto knife and cut my forearm. It was really deep and they called 911. I just finished at the hospital after getting 14 stitches. I feel defeated. I feel like I am losing this battle. My actions and anger always get me into trouble, and I thought this type of behavior was behind me. I guess I am just looking for some support... Now I feel like I will be downward spiraling into a depression over the guilt. I am broken.
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self.bipolar
|
My Best Friend Sort of Proposed to My Sister Last Night and I'm Sad About It I have a best friend. Last night, I saw him sort of propose to my sister. I accidentally read the past messages of my sister earlier that day when she was showing me their recent convo. Man, I felt like crap. I felt like a million bullets shot my heart all at once. I felt so betrayed. The reason being, I am VERY insecure with my sister when it comes to our looks. I know I'm not ugly but people almost always favor her initially because of how we look. I guess it's a human thing to prefer better-looking things in general. My best friend knows this. I have told him all my stories. I have told him of all the times I've been told I wasn't pretty as her or when people talk to my sister more even if I try speaking to them. My personality is overall more outgoing and open to strangers but they prefer it if they can spend time with my initially shy sister because she's gorgeous. I love her so much that I try not to let it get to me but of course, I can't help feeling like trash sometimes.
I felt so horrible because him proposing made me think that it means he likes her better than me now. I've had two best friends in college some years back. They ended up dating and completely forgetting about me. This felt like it was gonna happen if they get married. My sister and my best friend are my pillars right now. I know it's selfish but I feel like I'd be lost without them. My sister declined as I expected but it still doesn't make me feel better that I think that my best friend likes my sister more in general. I thought he was one of the rare people who likes me more (he has told me this). But I guess I could be wrong.
I slept it off... I reread the convo in the morning and saw more of the context of their convo. My sister was super depressed and she feels like there's no way out. My best friend offered to let her live with him and to get married. I guess it's to potentially save her from being so miserable in her life. I felt like that was such a nice thing to do for my sister. At the same time, I am hurt. It's a very confusing feeling. Like, I am grateful that someone cares like that for my sister (aside from me) but for myself, I still feel a little bitter because I don't want to lose anyone. I'm not sure if I'm being selfish (I'm pretty sure I am) but I just wanted to tell someone since I can't tell either of them.
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self.offmychest
|
i just hit my mom im sick of homework. passing and grades is all she yells at me about. im sick of putting up with it. she just had her boyfriend fucking hold me down while she took my phone for no fucking good reason. im sick. im ill. im even more sick in the head. im not hiding my ip or using a vpn anymore. i dont care. im not gonna get better. theres no use. being sent to another mental hospital in florida doesnt make things better. being tackled doesn't make things better. nothing. theres nothing left. nothing. nothing. nothing.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Trying to wake up and leave the house every morning is like trying to get a very unwilling cat to the vet I don't often succeed and when I do, it's like an out of body experience and I'm physically and emotionally exhausted.
Is adrenal fatigue or candida a Real Thing?
*No products are being advertised and no animals have been harmed in the posting of this thread.
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self.bipolar
|
I feel like I'm not allowed to make mistakes. I'm sure this is a common trait of anxiety (or maybe not, who knows?), but I feel like I have to be a perfect human being all the time. It's not like I want to be an asshole or screw people over or hurt the ones I care about, but I feel like it's the end of the world if I do when other people do the same things and just go about their lives. I've stuck with friendships and relationships that I don't want to be in because I have to be that perfect person who hurts no one, but it's hurting me to keep those people in my life and I'm starting to find myself lashing out in unhealthy ways because I feel so stuck. And I constantly worry if the things I want are considered "normal" or "healthy" to other people. Like, is it okay that this person doesn't bother me when most people would be put off by the things they say? Or the way they act? Am I reacting wrong?
I guess I just want to be able to make mistakes and say, "oh well, that was dumb but now I know," instead of, "holy shit, I'm a piece of garbage and now everyone for the rest of my life is going to judge me for my shitty behavior and karma is going to come after me hard." I just want to make some bad decisions for once in my life, damnit.
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self.Anxiety
|
University Troubles I can't stand being like this anymore. Every day I wake up to a nightmare. I picked the wrong degree and now I'm failing. I used to be top of my class despite the circumstances but now I don't even understand how I'm like this. I'm supposed to be graduating in a few days but I still haven't turned in my models.
I fucking hate this. Everybody else is carrying on like normal but it's Saturday night and I'm here peeling sticker residue off what's left of my stupid model. I can't do this anymore - I'm sick of the dust and the garbage. My room is ruined and it's so hard to walk around because of all the stuff everywhere. And of course they're doing renovations now - what better time. It stinks of paint every single day and it's disgusting. Every time I come home, all my stuff's been moved around and I'm so fucking tired of my mom telling me to keep an eye on my stuff because she doesn't trust the painters.
I was so hopeful for this degree because I completely flunked back in 2013 - I wanted to become an engineer but I wasn't smart enough. Now I regret not jumping off the roof when I had the chance. The past four years haven't been worth it and I just cannot do this again. I've lost all my friends, my health, my happiness... Maybe life will take away my sanity next. I just want to die. I'm in so much pain right now and I'm just so sick of this.
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self.depression
|
Bipolar, ADHD, PTSD, and my meds are a mess - Please help I am looking for advice and to hear what has worked for others with Bipolar I, ADHD, and PTSD.
I am a 35yo female. Diagnosed with BPI in my late teens. For 15+ years I was on Effexor 225mg and seroquel 25-300mg depending on the year and symptoms. I hate seroquel as it gives me a severe hangover so I mostly took 25mg for sleep and then 300mg when I was manic.
For the past 5 years I have also been on vyvanse for ADHD. Anything over 30mg sent me into mania so I made due on a low dose of vyvanse. This med regimen was not perfect but I functioned.
Two years ago my brain decided to snap and I have been rapid cycling ever since. I cycle every 4-6 weeks from mania, to depression, to mixed episode, to depression, then back up to mania. This rapid cycling has destroyed my career and relationship. My body and mind are exhausted from the constant rollercoaster and I need help. My psychiatrist does not know what to do to help me. She tried to refer me to another pdoc but I was declined because "I am too complex." I can only see my pdoc every 4 weeks for 10min appointments, so I am not getting much help there. She gives me a list of prescriptions and I am supposed to make med or dose changes on my own every week.
So here I am after 6 months of weekly medication changes and I am frustrated and still rapid cycling.
Is it normal practice for a pdoc to put a patient through med changes/dose adjustments every week for 6 months straight? I feel like my body has not had a chance to adjust to any of the changes before another is made.
This has been the process (any advice is appreciated)
pdoc started with attempting to "stabilize the rapid cycling"
- seroquel increased to 600mg - caused depression because I was a zombie, gained 30lbs. discontinued
- latuda 20mg: severe flu like side effects, vomiting, fever, sweating, diarrhea. no change to bipolar. reduced to 10mg, then back up to 20mg, still bad SE so discontinued
- saphris cause blackouts and dissociative sx, drooling, shaking, blurred vision, cog impairment. discontinued.
- valproate - curbed by food cravings, caused major stomach issues, severe cogntive impairments, blackouts, worsening adhd, severe itching, hair loss, etc. pdoc discontinued it because higher dose would make blackouts worse.
- lamictal - rash (not SJ), itching, hives, so irritable, previously euphoric mania became rage filled mania. At 200mg my skin began peeling off - looked like TENS, immidiately discontinued. Caused seizures.
- lithium carbonate 600mg (started at 150mg and increase by 150 every week). Each increase give me two days of feeling really good! Then a crash into depression. SE: muscles feel like heavy sandbags, poor coordination, walking into walls, blackouts, zoning out, confusion, cognitive impairment, word loss, severe restless legs, itching/hives, apathy, dry skin and hair, thirst, frequent urination, no libido, double vision. The SE tend to lessen after 3 weeks, but do not go away.
Some Questions:
1. could the cognitive SE from increasing lithium be making my ADHD meds less effective? I tried increasing vyvanse and became more cognitively compromised. Pdoc switched me to adderall XR 30mg and I felt really good until the crash 5 hours later and was crying, agitated, anxious (felt like I was coming down off a cocaine binge). I tried to stay with the adderall for a week but the emotional up-down was too much.
I switched back to vyvanse and now it is doing the same thing.
2. do I increase lithium? serum levels are .5 right now. Is anybody at .8 and taking vyvanse? or concerta?
3. the effexor has always helped my ptsd. without it i feel anxious and jumpy. Pdoc wonders if is contributing to rapid cycling. Is anyone taking Lithium with effexor? how does it feel for you? other recommendations for SSRI vs SNRI with Lithium?
thank you for reading this and letting me know your experience/thoughts
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self.bipolar
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Almost done with everything. How do you guys cope?
Ive recently gotten out of a very serious relationship and now im lost, im an absolute wreck. I dont know what i want to live for or if i want to even at all.
All i do is work and sleep. I dont engage in any leisure activities, i barely eat or drink now. I dont speak to anyone other than people at work.
Im just demotivated to do anything. All i can do is sit or lay and stair into nothingness wondering what im going to do with myself.
I just feel like quitting life to ease my pain. Iknow itll make people sad but tbh i dont care about how they feel rn due to my own circumstances.
Im not quite sure on what to do anymore.
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self.depression
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People saying that I'm okay even if I'm crying right in front of them. Wtf? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Apparently I have a weakness for Cyber Monday. Oh man. Oh man. I didn't go Black Friday shopping because I don't like shopping in stores but I'll spend all my money online. I'm not manic but I bought a bunch of stuff off of Amazon's cyber Monday deals.
I started off completely uninterested. I browsed the site, nothing grabbed my eye. Then my partner starts talking about this projector that's 100$ off! (Like we need a projector) and I'm like, we don't need a projector for anything. It's just toys, we don't need toys right now. Right. "BUT IT'S SO COOL". No. No projector. He's all into buying shit now that he has a job.
Anyway the morning passes, and I decide to check out Amazon again "just to see", and find some cool stuff, start ordering.
- A gardening kit for weird vegetables ("weird" like purple carrots).
- MORE vitamin C serum, when I haven't even decided if the first bottle I JUST bought works (but it was super on sale).
- bbq cleaning brush (that was needed).
- A fucking BIDET because who doesn't like a clean butt?!
- And then I went ahead and got him the projector because if I can get myself a bidet why can't he have a projector?
And it's all going on the Amazon Store credit card and it's so easy because the info is all on their website already!
Damn it Amazon. Making it so easy to order. And so enticing. I'm like, avoiding Amazon for the next month.
Anyone else make any great purchases for Cyber Monday? Or did you go out on Black Friday? Please tell me I'm not alone LOL
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self.bipolar
|
Extreme, rapid mood swings I'm having some extreme mood swings, back and forth between laughing at everything and wanting to cry or off myself, with the swings coming just a few days apart. This has been going on for the last few weeks. I was dealing with depression before that for about a year and a half. I'm starting to get concerned that I may be bipolar, on top of having Asperger's. (I am diagnosed with Social Communication Disorder, aka "autism lite".) I'm also a little scared that one of the negative swings might catch me off guard and I might do something stupid. Would anyone be willing to talk with me to help me understand better whether I'm just being moody due to life events or this might be something more serious? I know nobody here can diagnose me. I'm just looking for a better understanding of bipolar disorder and of myself. I just had my first visit with a professional counselor, but there's a lot of time until the next visit, and I'm not sure if it would make sense to ask to be evaluated for bipolar disorder, or if it would be a waste of time.
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self.bipolar
|
I can't believe this affected my life so much I've been able to push through and only have this diagnosis (along with depression and anxiety as I'm sure many have) affect things not important to me or not permanent at least. Still crappy but random elevated moods helped.
It started affecting my schooling, what I did pass I got A-Bs, but so many withdrawals. Almost lost my financial aid. Appealed, receive it under conditions of passing all classes with Cs and above. I have Bs and As in every class except math. Taking max units to finish earlier. I've never struggled like this. I hate being unfocused, confused and slow, lethargic and guilty and god everything. I barely spent 20 minutes in the testing room, blanked out, couldn't remember anything, racing thoughts and started crying, ran out. It's almost blank. And this was a makeup test my professor kindly let me take. School is all I had. I knew that if i couldn't go to school anymore I would kill myself, I can't afford it alone. Can barely afford where I live. My mom will be able to break the new lease with another signer passing I'm sure.
I had to wait a month to find a new psych, my old one left the clinic and i was told too bad basically. My medications weren't working, worst I've ever felt. Don't know what to do, reaching out to school later. I wasted the lucky opportunity life gave me.
Sorry for rambling I'm sitting in my car, I don't trust myself. Maybe someone can understand I don't know.
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self.bipolar
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Every day feels like a year Time moves so slowly when you want to die.
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self.depression
|
Does any one else feel like there is no tomorrow I just want this to stop i can picture me living the only thing that calms me is knowing i can kill myself if ir gets to bad
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self.depression
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I'm tired of being angry at my dad when in already know he is gonna disappoint me. My dad had forgotten about my birthday coming up this week again.
And like always I'm upset. I don't know why or how this keeps happening I knew he would probably forget but I am still upset
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self.offmychest
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Thank SW Thank you for just being there for people including me and saving peoples lives and being there when we needed you most i just wish there were ways to repay again i thank you with all heart. I wish no one goes through depression again.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Me "Is this medicine gonna make me better?" Doctor "I mean, maybe? Try it for a while and we'll see" [deleted]
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self.depression
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Why do I not believe people or feel sad when they say I'm pretty or compliment me?
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self.depression
|
Any females here with an IUD as birth control? So I don't expect to have many replies to this. I didn't post in the birth control sub because this is very specific to Bipolar Disorder.
So I got an IUD in shy of a year ago. It is supposed to be estrogen-free and absorbed into the body differently than a pill.
I recently read that the thyroid needs to be checked with Bipolar Disorder patients. Actually, I am writing because I have a lump on my thyroid that needs a biopsy, though my levels were normal.
Has anyone had strange side effects from an IUD? Has it worsened depression, caused medical issues or anything else? Not to mention that it increased my sex drive, my ability to... well, "get prepared" for that.
But I'm worried about the hormones with Bipolar Disorder, specifically Progesterone. And if anyone else has had weird things happen from the IUD.
Here goes nothing!
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self.bipolar
|
So basically, we just keep ourselves alive for decades, most of our time going towards work we're forced to do, stress always lingering over us. If we're lucky, something good might happen occasionally as an interlude in between bouts of suffering. Then we die. Yippee.
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self.depression
|
I want her back, only thing that keeps me going I miss my ex so much. i just wanna be the person i was when she fell in love with me. She introduced me to MDMA and those were the best times in my life or some of the best.. But i got sick started to be anxious and then full blown depression, she stayed by my side for around a year and half more than long distance and my miserable self made her break up.
And i completely understand her only my close friends and family are still there for me, i can barely function.. i stopped drinking weed and medication.. i tried everything even eletrochoc (never try that shit even how desperate u r) well anyway my life is so complicated but i used to be a leader, people admired me and wanted to with me, now im a complete mess just holding for dear life. She is in australia and im france but im gonna go back soon, just try one more time and see her one last time then fuck it not going to go for much longer.. i cant even write properly anymore my thoughts arent well arranged just foggy. I know that getting her back wont fix my problems deep down but idk its a goal..
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self.depression
|
Is anyone else terrified to go to the doctor? I'm not sure what I'm scared of specifically,. It's everything from driving myself there (terrifying), to telling him about my past, to asking for medication without seeming like some drug addict.
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self.Anxiety
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Should I feel guilty about scheduling an emergency pdoc appointment for next week? It’s hard to get an appointment at the clinic I go to (I guess because it’s a clinic), but I’ve been having extreme anxiety and depression because my SO and I are moving to a new city, so I called to schedule an emergency appointment. I need to have my Prozac increased, I’ve been having some SI and SH impulses due to stress (I guess?? I don’t usually SH, so it’s usually triggered by something I don’t understand), and I need a solution for my anxiety because what I’m taking now isn’t helping and I keep having mild attacks.
Anyway, I’m feeling a bit better right now, so I’m feeling really guilty about calling in an emergency appt. because the woman was like “you can also go to the ER”—but it’s not that serious—but otherwise I couldn’t get an appt until after I move, and that defeats the purpose.
Sorry if this is rambling. My thoughts have been a bit jumbled.
Do I really need the emergency appointment? Shit.
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self.bipolar
|
When you realize that you will probably never stop cutting I don't know how people do it. I mean stop SH but like FOREVER. Never getting the urge and leaving a nice life, like if they never get depressed or something. I don't know and I'm jealous. Why can they stop when I can't ?
My max was 1 year and a few month. Now my right arm must be constantly HIDDEN or I'll get send to Hospital, I think...
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self.depression
|
Not sure I'm depressed, but feel like I have no reason to live Hi there,
I've had run-ins with depression a few times in my life. However what I'm feeling right now is not 'absolute rock bottom despair-depression' but I am still not well.
Basically I feel like I have no reason to live. I don't think about suicide. But I find myself bored by almost everything. I do have some goals, but I still feel like those are not 'enough'. I have some friendships but still feel like I am insignificant and don't have any 'real' relationships with people. I function pretty normally in everyday life apart from some restlessness and anxiety issues sometimes. Basically I just don't know what to do with the rest of my life and like everything is meaningless. I don't cry or feel despair, just kinda ... emptiness and confusion.
This has been going on for a few months now and weirdly enough I think it was triggered by improvements in my life. See I used to be very socially anxious with shit self esteem and I perceived myself as an outcast and different from others. Ever since I realised that this is not the case, and am now able to deal with people pretty normally, it's like life is suddenly so 'easy' that it has lost all meaning. I can do everything now (at least socially) so there's no room for improvement anymore? And now I just don't know what to do with myself.
Can anyone relate?
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self.depression
|
Why can't i have good things? My best friend was depressed, after going to doctor, and talking a few meds, i saw her smile, it was so genuine, i cried, like literally. I wonder why, then i realized, i want to have that kind of smile too, but how can i do that, even if i drink hundreds or thousands of meds, when the people around me are always pulling me down, it's impossible. Im so tired.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
thanks dad for contacting my exes to "prove" I'm lying about being molested I shouldn't be surprised. You did after all decide it was your right and your fucking *duty* to inform all members of our extended family that my brother molested me. And to make your betrayal extra fucking cruel, you told them he only "made a few inappropriate mistakes during puberty and while drunk" and I am crazy and exaggerating that into a lifetime of abuse.
I am so deeply ashamed to share half your DNA. I am so deeply ashamed that my own father gaslighted me for decades into silence to protect my abuser. I am so deeply ashamed that I actually believed if I did everything you said that you would finally love me and be proud of me. you made damn sure to physically and mentally beat into me believing that there was always an infallible reason not to report him to the police. and now your furious that I did.
The last time I saw my molester, he spent the entire night drunkenly following me around, trying to catch me alone. And you just sat there ridiculing and mocking our mom, *your wife*, for following your son around. You spoke in scorn that she can't just "let him have a good time and get drunk with family. You're so god damn fucking dense and callous that you couldn't even see she was protecting me from your son. And yes! that's despite constantly defending him with the excuse that the alcohol makes him want to fuck me.
The time before that, my molester did the same thing, and while his fucking wife and kids were nearby. Anytime I went *anywhere*, he followed me hoping to get me alone. And you got drunk and slapped my ass, *slapped your own daughter's ass* while she was trapped at a family event in the home of her sexual predator. And I had to laugh it off for fear of making everyone feel uncomfortable that my dad slapped my ass. even though I felt physically fucking ill that you thought it was fucking funny. That night, you actually made me question if this whole time you've been getting off on exposing your daughter to your son and enjoyed watching me being re-traumatized.
Every single time I am forced to see my brother he sexually assaults or harrases me. And you believe I am the problem for not forgiving him for "drunk mistakes." my entire life I have been at war against a sexual predator who is fucking obsessed with me. despite all the regret he's told every one *but me* he has for his "teenage and drunk mistakes he can't really remember but yeah he knows he did bad stuff," he cannot be alone with me without trying to fuck me. THAT IS NOT MY GOD DAMN FAULT DAD.
But despite all your bullshit,, I still wasn't prepared for this latest pain. It's upsetting enough to hear my own dad tell me he's contacting my exes to discuss *my* most painful experiences to prove I'm lying about them.
But to make it sting even fucking worse, I had to contact the guy who got away, the only one I still love, to find out what you may have said. we haven't spoken in years, and he got the opportunity to hurt me again, because you can't just fucking believe me. I really could have spent the rest of my life without confirmation that the man I loved in my only good relationship, who practices non-attachment actually has exceptions to his no attachments or expectations rules. I was just not one of them.
tonight I am heartbroken for so many many reasons. but that you would go Nancy fucking Drew in my private life and embarrass me like this, just to prove your son's sexual perversion isn't that bad is a betrayal I can neither forgive nor forget.
go fuck yourself dad. fuck you for making me hurt so god damn much when I did nothing wrong. your son did. and so did you.
my greatest fear is that our parents will die and he will kidnap me and rape me and kill me and go back to his perfect fucking family facade and play the role of grieving brother for attention. he's gotten away with his masks his entire life.
edited because clarity and thank fuck cannabis clears up my splitting.
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self.offmychest
|
Is anyone on this thread living with bipolar abroad? Are any of us living abroad in countries that are not Canada/USA/Australia/England etc?
How do you guys cope living in your countries and how do you manage to acquire medication?
I recently got back from a great year teaching in Korea and upon returning to my home country I was immediately diagnosed as Bipolar 1. However, this puts a snag in my life plans. East Asian visas aren't to cheery about mental illness. I've combed these forums for any proof of anyone being able to flourish abroad despite this. I thought this thread could be an interesting collection of where everyone comes from and how they cope. Any input is warmly welcomed. Thank you.
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self.bipolar
|
If you didn’t care about your quality of life, what would you want to do? So this may be an unconventional post, but between myself and who I want to be there is an infinite abyss, and I’ve decided to leap into it. Active suicide seems to be the thing everyone has lots of weird grief guilt and shame around, so passive suicide seems like my ticket. It seems regardless of what course I take I will experience and inflict suffering on others, so I guess I’m just looking for fun suggestions on the way out?
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self.SuicideWatch
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My girlfriend (21F) and I (24M) are moving in together soon and I have serious second thoughts We've been long distance (like, plane ticket distance) across our country for almost two years after meeting in undergrad my senior year and now that she's finally entered her senior year we've made plans for us to finally live together as a couple. We've only been able to visit each other in person on average a week or so every two months, alternating who goes to which city to see whom. When she graduates she'll move out to my city and take a high paying job while I finish my grad degree over the next year or two, and if that works out we'll plan the future from there. She'll be making a lot of money, she's helped and taken care of me in the past when I needed it, and I (think I?) love her very deeply. I know I care for her very deeply. I don't want to give up this relationship and all of the work that we've put in together and all the happiness it brings me personally.
As she says, this should be "the happy part," but...
Altogether I feel really lukewarm about her moving in with me. I keep thinking about women from my work and school that I've spent time with and have developed crushes on. When I jerk off I use videos and pictures of exes and attractive Facebook acquaintances instead of videos and pictures of her/us. When I think about what our future will be like together thoughts of women I could have asked out if I were single pop into my head, unexplored possibilities or old flames. I keep thinking of hypothetical futures where 5 years down the line, I'm not married to her but single again, taking home more attractive, new girls every weekend. I miss the feeling of a chase, the butterflies in the stomach and every other dopamine hit from meeting a new partner.
To top it all off, in between her visits I ended up cheating on her with a (female) friend from undergrad that came to stay with me one night. The sex wasn't even good and I was sick to my stomach after she left but I did it anyway knowing what it would mean before and after. This was not the first time I had attempted to cheat nor the last but it was the only time I had been successful.
I don't know why I don't feel excited about her coming to move in. I don't know why I can't drop feelings for my female friends that I've nursed hopelessly for years. I don't know why I cheated and threw away years of trust we so lovingly built. I don't know what I'm looking for or why I'm deciding to move in with someone ready to give me the world. And every day I just get more anxious and afraid of her getting hurt and I don't know why I don't have the strength to admit my infidelity and end things. Maybe I'm just holding out for things to get better once we move in.
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self.offmychest
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Moment of Clarity – A Memory of a Once Colourful Reality Do you ever get those little moments of clarity? God forbid they last any longer than a moment. They occur when you're looking at yourself in the mirror after a long, relaxing shower and the weight of a memory begins to hit you with full-force. A memory that, perhaps, occurred over a year ago, but suddenly you can see through the masquerading fog that is Bipolar and are able to perceive what really happened that day – who you really are – what you’ve really become. Sometimes the memories can be so regrettable that the guilt alone is strong enough to cause both a mental and physical cringe.
For me, its the teeth. Sometimes I'll remember just how horribly I treated someone I had cared so much for in my life and I'll clench my teeth so hard they'll be sore for minutes after. What’s worse is that the momentary soreness will last longer than the memory itself. Don’t get me wrong, the pain from that memory will go on to shape the depressing darkness that will hang over my shoulders like a raincloud for what is left of this gloomy day.
But that little moment of clarity – the moment you know where you went wrong – the moment you remember who you truly were before the dark abyss of Bipolar came and swallowed you whole – it’s an insufferable false reality of life, teasing what you will never get back again. It’s almost as if you are an elder, anguishing from Dementia. You are going about your day, being the person that you thought you knew so well. Suddenly, you get a glimpse of your past life – who you were, your kids, your family, and every single colour that gave life meaning to you. Then, just as it appeared, the glimpse is gone. It has left you with a shadow of what life once meant. All of the colours, bright and beautiful, have all turned back into their shades of black and white. You are lost once more.
I am filled with disgust and hatred for myself. Sometimes I can’t even look at myself in the mirror. Some days, it’s because it makes me sick to my stomach. Other days, it’s because I don’t even recognize the person that’s staring back. I have lost everything to this horrible hell that makes every day harder and harder to live with. My endearing relationship with my girlfriend and best friend, shattered. Burnt bridges with loving and caring friends so powerful that the flame continues to roar years later. My creativity and intelligence, like lost keys dropped in a swamp, never to be found again. Even with such devoted and supporting parents, I feel as more if I am more of a burden than a son.
The worst part is knowing that I was the cause of it all. When I first hit my manic break, it was as if I poured gasoline on everything good and meaningful in my life. And then I lit the match. I destroyed myself and I can barely even remember doing so. Some days I wish I had never even been "fixed" so that I didn’t have to look back on everything I had so harshly burnt to the ground.
So I write this to you, hoping that anyone can relate. Hoping there is a light at the end of this tunnel that I will continue to dig. Hoping there is some sort of way out – a path back to my real self. But if that glimpse of colour reveals itself once more, the tunnel becomes a hole and it only digs deeper. I am terrified by the colourful reality that once was.
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self.bipolar
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When everything feels pointless What do you do? It's 1:13pm and I'm staring at the ceiling. It's what I've done for a while now. All day, all night. Can't concentrate to do the things I used to enjoy like gaming and reading. Talk myself out of everything else - what's the point of shopping when I have no events to wear nice clothes to? What's the point of seeing friends when I'm so low I find the conversation difficult anyway.
How do I get some meaning in my life? I don't know how you go on like this
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self.depression
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tired :-) I'm tired, I'm selfish. I always wish there was an easier way out, you know? Like I could just leave without any hassle or bullshit. So if I can't, I consider the idea of suicide. Either way out, these children I really care about will be upset. What do I do? Where do I go from here? I'm at a crossroads, where each path leads to the same place except I need to choose which one, and all are somewhat worse than the other - I just don't know which.
I wish I never came here. I wish I never stayed when I had the option not to.
I arranged an appointment with a counsellor, hopefully that works out. But I know deep down I'll probably not live through this regardless, and it's only a matter of time before I can't take it anymore. The secrets are destroying me from the inside. I feel like I'm caught in a spider's web, I'm spun and spun and prepared for consumption. How much more can a woman endure before she breaks?
My boyfriend deserves so much better.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Nail biting etc. advice Not sure what else to do at this point. I bite my nails like a lot of people. Then when I have no more nail left to bite, I bite the skin off of my fingertips. And after that I resort to chewing the inside of my cheeks. Pain is getting pretty unbearable as of late. Hopefully some of you guys have some tips to help me stop.
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self.Anxiety
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I am struggling with depression and on again off again suicidal ideation because of an undiagnosed medical condition. I have been dealing with a medical condition that causes severe pain, fevers, and terrible fatigue for several months. There are other symptoms but to sum it all up my ability to function day to day is very impaired. I can hardly get around and staying positive is difficult. I was diagnosed with clinical depression and dissociative disorder years ago but these have been controlled with cbt and medication. When this illness started last March I went to the doctor. He tried different treatments but they didn't help. He started to say it was all in my head. I sought out my psychiatrist for help. I was hospitalized in a behavioral health unit at the end of May through June. I had a bad relapse in my mental health and suffered from suicidal ideation because of the physical illness. At the end of June into the beginning of July I was hospitalized with pneumonia. I recovered but I was considerably weakened. Pain became severe and unrelenting. I worked on the coping skills I learned in the BHU and read about online. I talked with my psychologist twice a week. Over the last few months my condition has worsened with now running high fevers, nausea, and difficulty getting around. I am so discouraged. My doctors now believe I have a physical problem and are running tests and sending me to specialists. I am older, 57, but I feel like time is running out. I am so terrified of future. I don't feel I can keep living like this. I can barely go anywhere because of how bad I feel all the time. It's hard to do things I enjoy because I tire so easily. I try to keep a positive attitude but I feel I'm running a losing battle. Thanks for letting me get this out and reading this.
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self.depression
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Feeling guilty for potentially going into art for career I've been into art for 6 years, politics for 2 1/2 years. A part of me wants to go into political communications. People keep suggesting that I should go into art, someone saying "it's in my heart." I know they're not trying to hurt me at all, but them saying that makes it feel like they're implying that I should not go into communications. It feels like I must go into art. I've slowly been losing interest in politics, but I feel like that is what I wanna go into most (poly-communications). Like I say I wanna go into political communications but a part of me feels like I won't like it.
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self.Anxiety
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Yes, I know my skin is breaking out I fucking hate family reunions because everyone seems to think I need their unsolicited skincare advice
SEE A DOCTOR YOU SAY? WHY DIDN'T I EVER THINK OF THAT?
YOUR DAUGHTER'S FRIEND'S COUSIN HAS A SPECIAL SOUP THAT WORKED? It's not like I've been on 5 different antibiotics and 6 different topicals and see my dermatologist like 6 times a year, thank you so much for constantly highlighting my insecurities.
What do you expect me to say? "You're right! I AM ugly!"
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self.offmychest
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I said it was too early to say 'I love you' When you made some off-handed comment about it being to early, waiting for my reaction, I agreed. I agreed because we've been together for just over a week at most. By conventional standards, that is much too early to be saying 'I love you.' Even if I liked you for months before 'we' became 'us.'
I wanted to say it while we were together. Because as we lay there and I looked at you, I realized just how different this has been from my other relationships - or almost relationships. It is very rare that I let anyone get close to me - intimately, physically, or emotionally. It's been a long time since I've allowed myself to feel this way about anyone else (and vice versa) without pushing them away.
I realized how hard I've been trying to make things work. How I'm doing all the things that scare me simply because I want to experience them with you; because I want to be with you. I realized that I've never tried this hard with anyone else. It was always so easy for me to let go of people. I could cut them off and not feel a thing, but with you it'd be different. I know it would.
I don't know if it's love. And I've always thought that if you didn't just know, then it couldn't be.. but now I'm not so sure. Maybe I do love you. Maybe I'm just afraid to admit it because by certain standards, it IS 'too soon'. Because I overthink everything. Or maybe I don't. But whatever I feel for you, it is something. One day I'll say those words to you and you'll say them to me. But right now, I'm fine with keeping it to myself.
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self.offmychest
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Been thinking about committing suicide for a few days now... Hey y'all, I don't know if anybody reads these but I'll give it a shot. I've been thinking about committing suicide for a few days now. I have major chronic depression and PTSD. I watched my mother die in January of 2012. And it's never been the same. I had depression before that, but not to this extent. About 1.5 weeks before her death I became injured in a car accident and thus have 6 herniated disks in my back. I've gotten 2 back surgeries so far, planning for another one in early 2018. But I feel so lost....I don't enjoy anything anymore. I don't have any family really, no friends, and my bf is not supportive at all. I've told him I've been thinking about it for a few days and he didn't even comment on it. I feel so alone...and it hurts so bad. It's not worth it anymore. I disabled, I can't work, I don't have any skills. I'm just a waste of space. No one cares.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How to stop thinking "I want to/I should just kill myself" when the smallest thing happens [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Winter break is letting me think too much All my thoughts are of self-hatred. There's nothing distracting me. I hate myself. I hate myself so much. Sometimes a memory or even nothing at all will flash across my mind and my face will contort, shaped by the never-ending pain. I want this to end, but I also don't. I feast upon my own suffering. I'm sabotaging my life so that I'm forced to commit suicide. I feel violated. I never feel like I have any privacy. I'm always thinking of whether or not it's okay to say something. I can never be myself, or does that change me so that I am always myself? I want to break open my rib cage and rip apart my shriveled, decaying insides. Help. Help me. Don't. I don't want help. Otherwise why would I be like this? Why would I not actively seek it, even after my depression was forced out of hiding to the people that could help me? End me. That is the only way you could help me. Save me. Kill me. They are the same.
I'm going insane and I hate myself.
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self.depression
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Does anyone have trouble with distractions, and fear getting started on projects big and small? I find more ways to distract myself from life than could ever be healthy for one person. I get distracted by all forms of media (Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat, YouTube, Wikipedia, the news, etc.), and procrastinate on all kinds of projects both big and small.
I link this to my depression because I have had poor relationships with work in the past. I have had less-than-great experiences with bosses. But when it comes to the things I enjoy doing in my free time (cooking, baking, crafting), I seem to have all the concentration in the world.
Does anyone else experience this?
This is going to sound super corny, but this inability to focus is really affecting my ability to be the best version of myself. I guess my real question is for those who experience depression who also get easily distracted. How do you handle this? What are some ways you may have gotten to change yourself?
Thanks in advance!
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self.depression
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does this time ever come? "hey, you know what? i've already been diagnosed & *the meds seem to work*, since i have noticed things happen when i don't take those same meds properly (& sometimes those things are bad). i am going to finally & permanently accept that it has not been all in my head & be at peace with it."
i've been dealing with bipolar about five years now. on & off, i continue to convince myself i probably made the whole thing up. & it always makes me go off my meds. any hope for the 6 year mark?
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self.bipolar
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I want to die so fucking much No motivation to do anything, cant find anythin fun anymore, therapy and medicine isnt working, every day is so fucking miserable. The only thing holding me back from killing myself is it would be impossible to attempt without getting caught by someone.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I️ really hurt this guy I️ like and fought with my friend right after I️ was just angry, PMSing (like legit on my period), didn’t know how to joke, and I️ ended up saying rude comments for no reason (probably thought I️ was being edgy). I️ wanted him to break through that, to see me joking without me having to explain myself, for him to still vibe with me even after I️ prove time and time again that I️ am very faulty and flawed. Furthermore I️ vented in the wrong way to my best friend, who’s now not talking to me because I️ am just leGENDARY in this field of self sabotaging any good/meaningful relationships so cool.
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self.offmychest
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Parent anxiety I’m 22 and my parents are nearly 60. Every time I go to sleep I lay awake for hours crying thinking about how terrible it is I go to school far away from them and travel instead of spending more time with them. I do see them semi often - sometimes once a month, other times every 4 months at most , but I’m TERRIFIED that soon enough they’ll die and I’ll be alone.. is this normal ?? It consumes me
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self.Anxiety
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My toxic family is driving me to the edge. All I want is a moment of peace and silence.
I'm tired of being told to shut up everything I try to voice my opinion on any subject (family decisions that affect me one way or another).
I'm tired of being laughed at.
I'm tired of being humilliated.
I'm tired of being bullied on a daily basis by the people who should make me feel safe.
As I write this my mom is laughing in the kitchen because my brother said something that made me cry. Making me cry seems to be their favorite game.
Going out makes me anxious and being at home is driving me nuts.
If I want to get better I need to get away from these people.
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self.depression
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Tired of life don't want to do it anymore I have decided I'm going to kill myself by shooting myself in the head. I'm just so tired of life and being alone. I am 29 no friends and never had a girlfriend. I am really just fed up with life and being alone. I have been isolating myself for 4-5 years now spend almost all my time alone and can't escape it no matter how hard I try it's just who I am now. I really wanted to have a girlfriend/wife and my own family someday but I'm stuck in this living hell that will never happen. Is it better to leave a note or no note???
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self.depression
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I can’t do it but I really want too I really can’t go on much longer. My life is crumbling and I can’t do anything to stop it. I failed college and moved back home I went back to the job I really liked but I barely made any money so I had to get a new job. I just keep switching jobs trying to find something that suits me but I can’t. Now I’m stuck at a job that has me working night shift and I have to work constant overtime and give up one of my days off. I barely see my girlfriend and I’ve been pushing her away from me that I think she’ll just leave me soon. I give up on life I want to die so bad but I’m scared. I’m afraid it’ll hurt I’m afraid of what it’ll do to my family. But I just don’t want to keep going. I’m losing everything.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is there a more helpful sub? I've been struggling with depression for about six years now, and I've been looking for some kind of help or advice or something along those lines. This sub just seems like a lot of sick people crying out into the darkness. I definitely get why people need to let it out or vent, especially when they don't have a great support system, but I don't think that's going to help me, or a lot of other people. Anybody know a place that's a little more constructive?
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self.depression
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There it is. I never know how to start so I’ll just start. I’m in a terrible marriage. For 7 years I’ve just been here being a wallet. We were rarely physically intimate. I met my best friend 3 years ago and I instantly fell in love with her. I didn’t tell her for 3 years. Last month her and I had sex and it was good. So I worked up the courage to go see a lawyer to get a divorce. I told my friend how I felt about her because she thought the sex was just a drunken thing. She said that she didn’t feel the same. She then met a guy and proceeded to tell me how wonderful he is and how basically he is everything I’ll never be. I know I’ll never be tall or good looking. So now I lost my best friend, I’m going to lose everything in the divorce because that’s just what happens. I’m never going to meet anyone. I haven’t eaten in days, I just want to die I’m such a worthless person who ends up ruining everything.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Struggling for a long time Hey I have been struggling with bipolar 2 since I was diagnosed at 18 or 19 I'm 27 now I was just wondering from anyone with more experience does it ever get better I have tried many medications and they never seem to work I trick myself into thinking they do for awhile but slowly realize they don't. I don't like talking about this a lot so first post but long time Reader of posts thanks in advance for any replies
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self.bipolar
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Daily suicidal thoughts..... Well its goes that everyday for like the past month I have at least 4 thoughts a day about committing suicide. I highly doubt I will do it because I don't believe that suicide is a answer to problems, but it does fuck with my head a good bit...
I have been diagnosed with Clinical depression in the past and with addictions happening at the moment for sure doesn't help...
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self.depression
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👌 i can't take it. it feels like my chest is going to explode, like my throat is being wrapped in barbed wire. i want to die so bad, guys. i lost all my friends this summer, and i flunked most of my classes. i'm stressed and angry all the time, my fight or flight never turns off. i can't fucking take it anymore. the only thing stopping me is thinking of what my mum would do, as she's already stressed enough, but there'd be one less mouth to feed right?
fuck. i'm so lost.
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self.offmychest
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I feel like I ruined my relationship, need dating advice hello, long time lurker finally posting because i don't know what to do.
ive (f19) been in a really loving and passionate and great relationship with my partner (m21) for three months. the following events take place over the last week and a half: we recently had our first fight over me being mad at myself for envisioning him with someone he was having casual sex with (someone i knew in my last relationship and everyone disliked her). i was getting scary ocd / retroactively jealous thoughts and it caused me to lash out on my poor partner. it later came down to the fact that i wanted him to comfort me and tell me i didnt have to envision that, and that he cared for me and loved me. but he didn't, he was just extremely offended and angry at me. he still is. we get together and work it out but he clearly still hurt. to preface, we both have very bad anxiety issues and ive learned that he deals with things much differently (he wants space, i need to be nurtured). around this time of this fight, he gets really busy with exams and school and my mental health gets worse and i am asking him to see me and take care of me and it only puts him off more, and all i can do is apologize and tell him how sad and stressed i am. we havent had a normal conversation or date or sex in almost two weeks. i know that he's stressed and for some reason i kept pushing myself to get attention from him. we get into another fight about how he cant help me and my emotions, and all i need is emotional support right now because the stress of not being able to see him + school + work is too much. we try to go out on the weekend and i give him time to do his work so we can go out after, and he makes me wait way too long and i end up being late to the event we were supposed to go to (and i went alone). i think he made the right decision to stay home, but it was definitely a hard choice for him even though he should have said he wasnt coming sooner.
fast forward to this weekend, i go to his place to pick up my stuff after going to my hometown for the day, hoping he will let me sleep over with him. i'm really needy and need to have him there with me to make me feel wanted. he ends up telling me to leave and im super angry even though he had to do work. i didnt really understand how important it was for him to just get it done and for me to give him space even though i needed support until now.
two days ago we tried to "work it out" and it was very loving but he told me he was on the fence about us and he wanted space.
the next day i ask if he wants to come over, and he says he'll keep me posted and i wait until 1 am to find out he wasn't down to come. i think it's really shitty that he left me waiting after telling me he'd keep me updated, then tell me he thought we were going off the basis he would give me space. that doesn't make sense to me because he said he would see. i think he's just afraid of hurting me by saying no because i have gotten irrationally upset about us making plans and them falling through before. so after that i spent the night at a friends house because i had been having severe panic attacks. its also important to note that almost every time ive tried to talk to my partner, he's had anxious breakdowns and shut down and gotten too panicky to talk. he told me today that he wanted to break up after coming from my friends house to see him (which i really shouldn't have done, i should have given him space or at least had a positive time with him), and i said no (i dont think he's seeing this clearly and using it as a way to get me to give him space), and we agree to see each other on saturday to talk it out.
i sent him a text saying that i want him to do certain things to get ready to talk on saturday so that he doesnt have an anxiety attack and to reduce the odds of us breaking up:
1) dont make any crazy decisions
2) be the only person influencing his thoughts
3) think about the relationship as a whole
4) know that i love him and want to work it out
5) bring me his concerns on saturday
6) write out pros and cons, fears and anxieties, past relationship worries that carry into this relationship, expectations of me
all because i want to be a better partner for him because i genuinely believe that he loves me and is just stressed or hasnt been communicating properly. i really cant accept that a love so positive and amazing has been destroyed by us, and so fast.
i know i have low self-esteem and insecurities. he made me feel so great when things were good and when shit hit the fan, we couldnt be there for each other and i can only tell him how sorry i am and how i will never hurt him again and listen to him. but i also feel like he got defensive and didn't listen to my needs either. if he doesnt want to work it out, then that's that, and if he really wants to end it and not work it out after our first fight then that's a sign he never wanted to work it out in the first place. i have some self respect bc i got out of an almost 4 yr long harmful relationship where it was (seemingly) mutual and i did it to save myself and mental health. i got in my current relationship almost a month after the long term relationship break up because i had been mentally checked out for almost a year and was looking for reasons to leave the relationship by finding someone right for me so i was ready to date again, and he was perfect and great and loving and kind and we shared similar values and experiences. this partner said he was ready to wait for me and now i feel like i'm ready to wait for him. he feels like he cant give me what i want and i feel so awful that my anxiety convinced him of that because everything was perfect and amazing until this happened.
i know i fucked up and i cant apologize to him enough but it's so hard to give him space when he is causing my anxiety and i want it to go away. i want him to love me again. i've apologized so much and im so willing to get help but he won't communicate with me. it's so hard. i love him and he stopped telling me a couple days ago.
tldr loving relationship -> bad time, dont wanna break up because im still in love and want him to love me back but he feels like he cant give me what i want :'(
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self.offmychest
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Feeling soulless Just had a deep conversation with my sister about our mental health problems and feeling more numb than ever.
Not sure what to say here, so I’ll start at the beginning.
I (F/19) was a very asocial child. I HATED talking to people and it was hard for me to make friends. I attributed this to how I was a fat kid and was bullied a lot. This led to bulimia which I’m still only in partial remission of right now. I was a pathological liar in middle school in an attempt to get more attention from my peers.
Throughout high school I felt like everyone was out to get me so I’m not sure if my lack of socialization was more self-preservation or if everyone really did just hate me. I lived in a small town with one high school that had roughly 800 students, and I have a story about everyone and how they tried to destroy me at one point or another.
At 14, I had a solid group of friends, albeit shitty ones. After that year, my best friend destroyed our friendship and left me so many voicemails about why she hated me and why she wanted me to die. She convinced our entire friend group that I wasn’t to be spoken to- all because she wanted to date my ex-boyfriend.
Spent my sophomore year depressed and writing angsty poetry on a private Instagram account, which a guy I liked found the username and shared with some other people who found a lot of joy in embarrassing and torturing me (I know torture is a strong word, but god kids are evil.) This is what I consider to be one of the most traumatizing events in my life, because I felt like I was thrown naked into a room of my worst enemies where everyone would just shout insults at me whenever possible.
My junior year I decided to combat my depression with signing up for so many activities that I wouldn’t have time to think about it— this resulted in major anxiety to the point I couldn’t even look at a textbook without bursting into tears.
By senior year I was completely isolated, with two friends who weren’t really my friends (one being the guy who outed me on the poetry account, another being a girl who I felt was my best friend but wasn’t the best of friends (i.e, never invited me to parties, left me in a car accident we were in because she just HAD to get where she was going). Spent that time completely isolated and applying to colleges, hoping for the best.
Once I got to college, I had a rough time adjusting to the new course loads and also went through some medical issues (kidney stones, kidney infection) during finals week. GPA plummets, depression somehow skyrockets even more. I’m now terrified of hospitals.
At this point in my life, things seem to be looking up. Grades are better, I’ve found real true lifelong friends (the kind that sleep overnight in the ER for you), and my boyfriend is pretty rad too. But amongst everything I feel...numb. Whenever I don’t feel numb I just feel sad. In some ways I feel that I’m a sociopath paradox, I feel nothing, but I feel everything. My therapist has diagnosed me with major depressive disorder but I feel like it’s not enough. I feel like there must be something deeper, more troubling, behind why I am this way. It’s not that I want to die, I just want to stop existing. Feel the freedom of nothing, without the terror of impending doom. I never realized how much I wanted to live until I was an inch away from death in a hospital room, but sometimes I wish it just took me away.
What I’m most afraid of is hurting people. I wish I could dedicate my life to helping others find happiness, but I’m selfish enough to wish others did more for me. Sometimes I have a few good weeks in a year where I’m not sad all the time, but nothing will change and in a few weeks I’m back to this sad blob that’s just tired of existing. I feel like I’ve been alive for a thousand years. If I am an old soul, I’d appreciate going into retirement next time.
I’m kind of lost in my sense of identity. I know I’m a good person because all I want is for others to be happy, but at the same time I don’t feel like I am anything. I keep looking and looking for reasons why, why I’m like this. It seems I was just wired to be this sad, fat, melodramatic blob taking up space on this Earth. I don’t know what to do with myself anymore other than just keep pushing through the days and years until this is over.
(TLDR: I’m so depressed I feel numb to everything and feel that there’s no point to staying alive because I’ve been depressed for over a decade at this point and can barely find joy in life, looking to see if anyone else feels this way and have found a way to live with it.)
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self.depression
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Post fight anxiety/disgusted with self Really screwed up this time. Relationship was going incredibly well. Never felt this way about someone and am truly lucky to have her in my life. Got off prozac due to insurance issues/being an idiot who thoight I could deal. Immediately started developing negative irrational feelings.
Suddenly I was was constantly convinced that I was boring and ruining every evening - which would then spiral into near psychosos and would ruin evenings. Worse than that I became incredibly jealous and obsessive over an ex she doesnt even communicate with and, infact, hates.
I deeply resented this person who I dont even know, and the amount of harm he'd caused her by being abusive and exploitative. I told myself it wasnt jealousy because it didnt fit the traditional mold of feeling threatened that youre going to get replaced or left for the other person. I told myself it was just righteous anger, but it was only irrational fear.
Despite being the most open, vulnerable person ive ever been with she refused to identify this person, despite our long talks (initiated by her) about the psychological impact those experiences have had on her. I realize this was because of the flashes of extreme hostility I would show during those talks.
This lead to obsession, until it was no longer about her. I would collect every clue of his identity and spend hours trying to identify him while darkly fanticizing about confronting or exposing the person as an abusive, exploitative sexual predator (all facts). Mostly, although I couldnt admit it to myself, I was deeply terrified that the harm caused by the ex would prevent our relationship from growing beyond certain bounds. I had convinced myself, like a gross, childish fool that he had somehow cheated us out of an opportunity to fully enjoy eachother.
I would hide my sleuthing, because I knew it wasnt healthy or normal and knew she was burdened enough. It lead to a cycle of shame and confusion about my own actions that only fueled the fear.
But in those moments of rage, or when I thought I had a "break" in the case it would peak out into the open. Last night I agreed to stop only to text her a name an hour later, completely blind to how tormenting that is.
This morning she decided she had had enough after I came clean about how much time and energy this has privatelty consumed. She told me the name in anger as I begged her not to. I immediately felt the power that the secret had over me lifted. Suddenly I didnt care. Suddenly, now that I would actually be able to snoop, expose, punish I didnt care to. The veil had been lifted and all I could see was someone I love in pain and the need to help myself if Im ever going to help her.
This was a bizarre and frightening experience. Im not prone to jealousy and have never felt threatened by any man in her life, no matter her past with them or other typical reasons people might feel jealous. Then, before I know it, Im losing my mind over someone I specifically know is not a "threat."
What followed was a healthy, open hour and a half long conversation. She's still pissed and will be for a while but we were able to houseclean issues both ways, apologize and laugh while telling eachother elementary school stories toward the end. We both had to get to work.
Its impossible to concentrate. I feel lik my organs are failing. Im dreading our next interaction amd the future in general. Im legitimately worried Im going to have a heart attack. I had already set up an appointmemt for Saturday prior to this erupting because I realized how bad I had gotten. Im giving her space because she needs and deserves it but shes also the person I turn to when I think Im.going to die.
How do you function post serious argument. How do you cope with hurting someone ontop of also seriously believing that you are physically dying. No access to therapy for 2 weeks, no prescriptions for 2 days, no love of your life to turn to. Hating yourself and every part of your miserable life that youve let run amok because youre too scared to know yourself.
|
self.Anxiety
|
i have so many great things but i can't make myself care about anything. please help me i'm miserable.
i'm 19, female.
thing is, i have a wonderful support system of people who care about me deeply, but no matter what, i can't care about myself. i'm shitty to my body. i barely eat and i barely sleep. i feel like a burden to everyone around me and i have no hobbies. i do nothing but cry every day and i sit alone in my apartment for days on end, never talking. at this point, i want a job more for social interaction than anything else, but i'm not physically willing myself to try. i am constantly stressed about money and the thought of spending even a cent sends me into a panic and i don't understand it.
i don't know what to do. i don't know how to make myself care. i think about suicide, but i won't commit because it would place a major financial burden on my family and i don't want to do that to them. so i'm stuck in this shitty limbo of days passing but it doesn't feel like i'm alive.
i don't know what to do. please help
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I have to go to the hospital tomorrow for an HIDA scan and I’m terrified. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Does Gabapentin Cause Weight Gain? I was just on seroquel and switched to Gabapentin because of the weight gain from seroquel. Then today I read that gabapentin causes weight gain too! What the hell am i going to do? I cant win. Ive gained 35 pounds in 9 months. I have never gained weight this quickly.
|
self.bipolar
|
Anxiety Has Taken Over My Life Hey everyone.
I have no idea where I am at right now (mentally). I recently began to feel anxiety symptoms stronger than ever. The thing is, I also have high blood pressure, and this throws me way off. I read on the internet that anxiety attacks can raise blood pressure, but shouldn't the medication I'm taking for HBP keep it controlled, or is Anxiety THAT powerful?
I'm scared of another attack. Its all I can think about. The other day I woke up feeling nervous and I couldn't shake it. We were expecting rain here in Texas, and my car does not do well on wet roads (thats a whole other issue), so I was afraid and dreading driving to work the next day. Luckily, I was able to borrow a vehicle and made it to work safe, but I could not shake the nervousness.
I've had about 4 anxiety attacks (at least I think thats what they are) this month. My blood pressure goes up (160's/80sum) and it really feels like I'm going to die. So, I have no idea if its my blood pressure that causes full blown attacks or my anxiety that causes the rise in my blood pressure.
Im sorry this is so long. I would really like your opinion. Thank you!
|
self.Anxiety
|
TIFU By texting out how much I liked this girl and accidently sending it to my guy friend This happened last night exactly but waited to see the responses when I woke up this morning. Anyways their is this girl I like who I've wanted to tell for a long time, and dumb ass me thought it was a good idea to tell her over a messaging app. Ive never had a single conversation with her, and I went into great detail on how I like her and want to be in a relationship. It's actually quite pathetic. For whatever reason last night I was feeling a heightened sense of ecstasy and thought to myself "I might die tomorrow, what would I regret not saying if I'm dead?" I spent probably 90 minutes writing and revising what I thought was the perfect thing. I thought it was better than a lot of essays I've written for school (which is probably true). After typing for so long, my eyes started to get blurry staring at my phone screen. In my contacts they have the same first initial, and without double checking for whatever reason, send the copied-and-pasted out message to my guy friend. What's worse is that it was in four parts and he got the one that was the most sensitive. I immediately realized my mistake and tried to unsend it, but forgot that I couldn't. I messaged him on every app I have telling him to delete that before reading it. He took it pretty well, but felt bad for me because I'm a pathetic loser with no self confidence to tell a girl these things in person. I did end up receiving a reply from her, after staying up all night patiently waiting listening to stereotypical teenage angst playlists on Spotify. I probably sent 4 paragraphs of text. She replies ""Oh uh that's a little weird 😂." What's worse is that she's not the first girl I've done this too. I feel bad for even sending it to her in the first place because I'll be seeing her at school everyday for 2 years and now she will only see me for that text I sent.
TL;DR I sent out a really thought out message meant for a girl to a guy.
|
self.offmychest
|
Worst day ever. Been feeling sick sneezing all day with a headache, swollen face, burning eyes/throat due to allergies from trying on old clothes last night and now I find out I just missed getting tickets for bruce campbell :'( fml why am I so unlucky.
I'm so down and depressed and house bound every damn day. Bruce campbell would of been an excuse to leave the house but no....I can't even have that small joy......I am cursed and suffering and sick of this fucking shit excuse of a life
|
self.depression
|
I came out to myself as bi...Yesterday I am a 33 years old female.
I have mostly thought I was attracted to males in the past. I had male crushes,I have only dated men.It has never really worked out well with any of my boyfriends and every guy I've dated the relationship felt "off" to me, even though good times has been had and there was definitely mutual attraction.
Then came this super amazing woman I've know for a few weeks.
She's a teacher (of my artsy hobby, not at school or uni) and I found that I couldn't stop talking about her and how talented she is to my friends, how cool it was to have conversations with her and everything.Then I though "I need to stop talking about her it's like she was some guy I have a crush on or something".
And THEN, epiphany.
I realized that yes, I actually have a real crush on her and it feels all kinds of weird and confusing.
I thought about this some more and figured out I don't only like Kate mcKinnon "because she's funny" and that some of those girls I felt really close to and admired growing up were also crushes.
I don't know what's the next step at all.
Thanks for listening to me, reddit.I don't know if I can deal with talking about this to friends right now, it's still new and raw, but I needed it off my chest.If you have any experience like that, please share!
|
self.offmychest
|
l i t h i u m t a p e r Think I've sort of mentioned this here before but I'm tapering my lithium (w/o medical advice BUT I can't get anymore due to an insurance issue and that's compounded onto a *lot* of bad experiences I've had with the system, leading me to want to try life without meds and yes I know there are risks and no I don't need the lecture though I appreciate the concern!!).
What did you guys experience when going off lithium? I was at 1200 for over a year. Then went down to 900 for 10 days (which I know is still a therapeutic blood level for me bc 1200 was the top end of the range, around 1.2). Now I just dropped to 750, and am gonna go to 600, 450, 300, then 0. Or at least as much as I can until my supply runs out.
How did your taper work? What side effects did you notice when tapering off? And if symptoms did come back, at what dosage did you notice them? I am trying to be extra alert about that so if something does happen I can catch myself before I go totally psychotic etc.
|
self.bipolar
|
I wish I was normal I wonder what it's like to have healthy relationships and a good self image. It really sounds nice, but I'm stuck in this hellhole called depression (and anxiety).
|
self.depression
|
what should I do when I’m not in the mood to do literally anything? these past few days I have not wanted to do much. I don’t want to go out and hang out with my friends, I don’t want to watch anything funny, I don’t want to study for finals (i need to) I don’t even want to make music anymore which has been my creative outlet for my depression for the longest. I honestly have no clue what to do. My mom keeps urging me to do something with her but I can’t even get the motivation to do that. halp!
|
self.depression
|
I don't want to do anything but cry and I can't even do that :( It sits just out of reach. I can't force it to happen. I always feel like this.
|
self.depression
|
I'm totally screwed I'm totally fucked. I live in Southern California, and it gets super hot here during the summer. Because of this, and because we have two dogs at home, we've had to run our A/C's a lot. With that being said, our bill has been over $200 every month. My roommate, who helps with half of the electricity has been on Disability for the entire summer, and hasn't been able to help with the bill. Our bill is now months behind, and the bill is over $1,700, with at least $900 of it being due on the 16th. That's my entire check, and I have rent I need to put aside. If that amount isn't paid by then, our services will be shut off, and I can't put it on a credit card because they're all maxed out paying other bills, and I can't take out a loan because of my credit. I'm freaking out, literally on the verge of tears at work because I'm so stressed and worried.
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm struggling to control my recently acquired severe anxiety I've recently started to have severe anxiety over the last month. I never really experienced anxiety beyond momentary situations before now. It is at the point where it's crippling and vomit-inducing. Additionally, my gf is out of town and told me last night that we need to talk in person. she won't even hint on what the talk is about. We haven't been doing so well lately because of poor communication. I'm over thinking everything. I've tried breathing and relaxation techniques but it isn't helping. It's there anything that I can do to alleviate this, even slightly?
|
self.Anxiety
|
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