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I dont wanna be here. No one cares and no one is here for me i dont want to live anymore
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self.depression
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Major anxiety about another mass shooting, effected by current events in America. Am I the only one? Part of me tries to tell myself that this is just my anxiety acting up, and the other part of me corrects myself that this is a rational fear to have due to the handful of mass shootings that have happened in the past 3 months. I'm also from Texas so the one that happened at the church recently really hit me hard. My boyfriend works for a company that does rides at a lot of public events all over and being the holidays, he's been working a lot. I'm always dreading getting that phone call, even right now as I am counting down until the event is over (11pm). And his phone is currently dead :) so. Trying to stay calm. But this happens every time he does these events which has been every weekend for about 2 months now.
Am I alone in this? Or have current events in the US brought on worse anxiety for anyone else?
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self.Anxiety
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My father died a week ago and no one knows where I am. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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[X-post r/pareidolia] I see faces in the most unexpected places/things during panic attacks, but not other times unless it's pointed out? this is a recent development! I posted this in /r/Pareidolia first, but after my other recent posts here in /r/Anxiety and given that this is directly tied to my anxiety, I thought I might find more people who have dealt with something similar in this sub.
This is the [link](https://www.reddit.com/r/Pareidolia/comments/7bo3fz/please_help_pareidolia_and_my_panic_attacks_i_see/) to my original post in /r/Pareidolia, which has additional details.
Basically, during panic attacks, I've started seeing faces in everything. Patterns, fabrics, wood grains, trees, shadows... Anything. It's always random and the faces are always expressing a negative emotion (sadness, anger). This has scared me several times today to the point that I actually jumped up and ran away. Some part of me wasn't able to tell if it was real or not until the panic attack ended... It's quite difficult to explain.
This started fairly recently and it has never been this bad. It's alarming and is making my anxiety worse by creating additional paranoia. I've had many people tell me that during my panic attacks I am not "going crazy." Until this started happening, I always wondered why they told me to not fear the insanity...
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self.Anxiety
|
Feeling Like The Coping Skills Aren't Sinking In I used to feel like I was making strides in therapy. The meds were working and I was opening up and being more receptive to group and individual therapy. I felt like I was really practicing the skills I learned in both. Then the other day I received hurtful news that a friend had betrayed me and it hit hard. Instead of acting I reacted and lashed out at this friend and abruptly terminated our friendship without allowing him to speak on his behalf.
I quickly realized that this was the sort of emotional and rash reaction that we talk about in group and yet, even though I've been working on these skills when it comes down to the moment I don't use them. The same thing happened during the holidays. Where I was in a stressful situation and rather than use the coping skills I reacted harshly and emotionally.
I feel like a hypocrite and that the skills aren't sinking in. Does anyone have any advice on how they've reacted to similar situations.
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self.bipolar
|
I dont want to hurt myself but its all i think about. I fucking hate myself. I hurt everyone around me [deleted]
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self.depression
|
After years of searching I found my long-lost sister Now I wish I never had found her. She's a ridiculously self-absorbed, mentally unstable, drama-creating, entitled, narcissistic douchebag
I finally got fed up enough to call her out on her shit and she unfriended me on facebook but is now going around saying how I'm the bad guy, I'm jealous of her, etc. Etc.
Honestly, and I know this sounds terrible because it is, I hope the ailments she's always touting for attention get really serious and cause her demise.
She's a complete piece of shit.
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self.offmychest
|
Help me please Hello
Recently i have been having these weird bouts of severe suicidal thoughts and depression for around 20 minutes but they are really unhinging me .a little background i am a 15.5 year old boy with few friends and who is ridiculed a lot in school because of his personality ....i got suspended once when i knocked some bully out due to me losing my temper.I am rather dumb with realiizing peoples intentions though academically i excel .i just wanted to ask is this hormonal(puberty) or do i have some disorder ??
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Mom told me in 2014 that she invested 600 Bitcoin. This year, I asked her to help me with my student loans by selling some of them.
She said she was only joking.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My roommate touched me while he thought I was asleep [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Another pointless day on the hampster wheel. Wake up, take care of kids, go to meaningless job, come home, take care of kids, scrounge dinner, finish the work I didn’t get done during the day, go to bed dreading having to get up and do the same crap over again tomorrow. I thought I felt better yesterday, but here I am again just wanting to be done with it. The lulz of it is that I don’t ever have long enough alone to kill myself. I realize I’m the one who made all the decisions that put me where I am, and I’d be burdening everyone around me with the consequences, but in the grand scheme of things, none of it matters anyway.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Uncertainty I've been getting caught up in, and overwhelmed with, uncertainty. I hate it. It causes me to go into this, "all roads lead to ruin" mentality where I deconstruct everything and find that it's either meaningless or evil in nature. I think I'm starting to realize that uncertainty is just that, and I really don't need to worry about it all that much. That feels good.
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self.offmychest
|
I wish I could tell someone about my depression and suicidal thoughts, but I'm scared they just won't care and say 'Just get over it, your life isn't that hard.'
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self.depression
|
I graduated I just re-read what I wrote and its all over the place. To be honest I'm super emotional. Sorry for that
Hey guys, here in Brazil we are just ending the semester. I tried to login today and saw the message that I couldnt login because I had finished. I can't even describe what I'm feeling, I have been doubting myself for the entire process.
I can't believe I won. There were so many times when **it** tried to get in my way, made me miss classes. Either by not being able to get out of bed or because I was god know where in the middle of a binge.
It took me one semester more than what I exptected, but I did it. no one in the world understands how I feel right now besides you guys. Academia is hard on anyone and every single person that goes trough it knows it, its built to break us, thing is, im pretty good at breaking myself. At least **it** is.
There isnt a single momment of peace, because I know **it** will show up and will destroy everything I've been working so hard on. Like Cash in the beast in me
>Sometimes it tries to kid me
That it's just a teddy bear
And even somehow manage to vanish in the air
And that is when I must beware
Of the beast in me
That everybody knows
They've seen him out dressed in my clothes
Patently unclear
If it's New York or New Year
God help the beast in me
or Bukowski in Bluebird
>stay down, do you want to mess
me up?
you want to screw up the
works?
you want to blow my book sales in
Europe?
So, I was getting near the end of school but never allowed myself to enjoy that. "Thats not for me. People like me" "Sooner or later I will screw this up" but not this time. I did it. And if I did this I can do anything.
I'm so happy, happy that I made it and happy I now trust myself in the future
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self.bipolar
|
I’m going to kill myself when I get home from work No matter what I do, it’s not enough.
Every moment I am at work, I want to pull out the scissors and cut myself. Hopefully deep enough to die.
It’s so demoralizing and sispheyean. No one cares. I wish I had the courage to kill myself and end my misery.
No more.
Once I get home, I’m going to swallow some pills. Or cut my wrists. Or whatever.
I can’t do this anymore. Nor do I want to.
Edit: I ended up asleep and crying instead. Can’t even do that right.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Why do I feel like I don't know myself anymore I keep struggling with depression and I feel like it's stripping away all the things that make me... me. I used to be a good student, used to write stories about adventure and life, used to play sports, used to enjoy hanging out with friends and now I'm nothing. I've been losing parts of myself until all that's left of me is misery. All I feel like doing anymore is laying in my bed and staring at the ceiling or if I'm feeling particularly bad I cut myself. What happened to me? I try to be hopeful but... that gets exhausting
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self.depression
|
I just want to be normal. Possible trigger warning. I have all sorts of stupid anxiety. Most of the time it's health related. A year and a half ago after I had my second daughter, I had a huge anxiety flare up. I thought I wanted to kill myself. In a moment of a toddler and a baby not going to bed I was like "ugh I just want to die", like a just shoot me moment. My brain took that thought and ran with fear. I knew I didn't want to but why would I think that?
I had ativan and paxil but I wouldn't take ativan because I freaked myself out about getting addicted to it. After about 3 months of this my brain relaxed and life moved on.
This winter has been tough. I got the stomach bug a week before xmas and my anxiety has been all over about one thing or another. Sometimes for nothing at all. I got a tooth out almost 3 weeks ago and was certain in was going to get infected or that something was wrong.
I'm on adhd meds and I've been doing great with those until recently I freaked out that I would get addicted to them so I don't want to take them, even tho they work really well.
And now I have a cold. I also have asthma and am a smoker. Yes I know the ridulousness. My worry now is that I have or will be getting pneumonia. It's exhausting. Until the cold is over I'll probably convinced the whole time that I have pneumonia.
I just want to have a normal brain. I don't want to worry about this stuff all the time. I want to be normal for me and my kids.
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self.Anxiety
|
My thought flow... Everybody always has the same answer...sadly that's seems to be not enough for me me I need more there can't just be that so many years of development and yet we still have the same answers for everything they say that human beings are different and special in their own way but why? On the completely contradicting side why do people think that the same method for helping people should always be the same it should be like that maybe I'm just being naive but are things really like this and I hate getting the same fucking response everyfucking time "there are many different ways we can help you sir come try our latest services!" Every fucking time it never changes in a since it everything just seems hopless...meaningless,empty like advertising saying that they'll help it just seems pointless and a bunch of wasted energy no matter how I feel in the future I feel as if everything will just comeback full in a cycle my feelings will never change moving on is but an illusion to me that's when I get sadder happiness is like a drug that only last for a moment and it hurts when it's gone nothing last for ever but I wish it did and at the same time I wish it didn't why can't I just end it? Fear?religion? I don't know it just feels wrong yet I've already tried it multiple times loved once are frightened for me but I feel nothing for those feelings danger lingers close there's nothing stopping the inevitable I may sound crazy but there is truth within my words not everything can be ignored whether if you having better things to do to keep it off your mind it's still there in the back waiting for something relevant to make it grow that's when my anxiety kicks in at full throttle and leaves me a jumbling mess of meat that can barely speak words leading me to seclude may self from humanity it feels like no one else seems to understand though it seems clichéd it also seems to be true they think it's all the same "just get through" "it's not impossible" "I've been there before just trust me it will get better just push through" then they send me back with many things on my mind it's as if nothing really pierced through to me I'm just there feeling guilty for wasting their time on me yet I move back to the same thing nothing has changed and it irretates my skin bones insides to the point where I just can't stand it I lay in bed alone with my thoughts it seems that even in my dreams I'm haunted by the illusions of a "good" life yet never seem to reach it instead it gets replaced with may of this world's evils never letting me sleep waking up 4 or 3 times a night leaving me exausted for the following day I need answers surely there is someone out there in the world with some not attached to religion or selfishness raged on by money and power everything g seems unfair and dead and if that's all there is to it In this world then I'd rather not be here it saddens me to think that this is what I have left to do if all else fails then the disappoint my father mother sisters and even the rest of my known family would be disappointed by my future actions there nothing stopping me their judgemental eyes flood my mind everyone I speak to them they think I'm a lunatic and that I will get over it bye my self...I'm not strong enough for that I say. Nonsense your speaking like an idiot they reply, I just can't believe how much they can't simply understand how much it hurts everything hurts I don't want any of it I might as well end it now before any more pain comes and follows Me through my days my mind goes blank a new slate to write on thoughts start to flow through again new ones similar to the old ones but still different why should I distract my self from reality as most people do in their world's, because it's good for me? I'd rather have it the other way my mental state is deteriorating and I feel like I'm slowly losing my self with each day to come I've takin care of myself well enough with out my parents help yet it hurts to know that they are within reach of myself although they may not help with words it's feels great whenever I can hug them,Then the feelings of dread anger anxiety weakness and others come to mind once I've finished I feel like it's never enough yet I'm glad to be able to do it whenever I go visit them in there far off place. My mind goes blank I start on a new slate. I've lost all ambition to move from my bed...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Increasing Lexapro could make me manic? I recently started therapy. Not specifically for BP.
I took an MMPI and the results didn’t exactly mention BP, but my psychologist said that he “wants to keep an eye out for bipolar disorder once my lexapro is increased”.
Was anyone else in this situation? Was anyone else diagnosed as bipolar only after becoming manic from your antidepressant?
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self.bipolar
|
I'm putting in my two weeks notice tomorrow Tomorrow is my first day back at work after being given a week off because of my anxiety/depression. I did a lot of soul searching this week and I've decided it's time to move on.
I'm putting in my two week notice tomorrow morning and I'm terrified. I hate this job and I need to get out, even though I have no plan for after I quit. I just can't do it anymore and my sanity is more important than the paycheck right now.
Any one with a similar experience? I'd love to know if any of you have done the same.
Update: I went in for an hour and a half, couldn't deal with the bullshit that started going on, quietly packed my shit and left. Holy shit Reddit, I did it!! I don't know what I'm gonna do now but omg I feel so relieved!
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self.Anxiety
|
Consequences I'm an RA on campus and we're trained to deal with ideation. We have no training for an actual suicide because there isn't really any. Today, I got the news that a student who lives directly below me committed suicide. He was at our hall event the night before, playing Mario Kart with drunk goggles on and racing another RA down the hall. None of us saw any sign that he had this planned. None of us had any idea that he was depressed. This wasn't an outgoing student. He was active in theater, chorus, and band, but he didn't have a ton of friends. Despite that, at least 500 people showed up to the vigil for him tonight, and we attend a very small private school.
My point is, even if you don't feel like people care, they do. It might be hard to see sometimes and I know what it's like to feel alone, but please always reach out before you get to that point. Reach out to family, friends, strangers on reddit, me if you need to.
I've been suicidal before, but I hadn't been directly affected by the consequences of it until now. Please don't be afraid to get help if you need it and always tell your loved ones how much they matter to you. You never know what's going on in someone else's head.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Trying to find a reason to keep on going. For the pass several years of my life I have gone through event after bad event. It started after my freshmen in college where I was kicked out because of my grades were too low because I was worried about my sister. From there it hasn't been fun, two of my sister's sisters were nearly killed, one was raped, I work a job I hate, family members continue to do things that harm the health of my grandparents. I suffer from anexity and depression with nothing ever seeming to work for long. I found a girl I fell for and she vanished, made friends who care for me but can't be there for me because what I am suffering from. When I reach out for help no one is there to lend a hand. Some people think I have no reason to feel this way but I don't know the reason why I feel so drained.
I have been to a therapist and seemed to only take two steps back, I have taken medication and now it seems not to be working. I reach out for help and no one is there. I have tried self harm and the only feeling I get is I hate myself for being weak. I want to be the hero but I just can't anymore. I honestly don't know how much longer I can hold out.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Friendly Reminder The point of this subreddit is to allow people to safely talk, and maybe lead to better things for some.
I believe in free will; but if you are going to do it, do not jump from an overpass onto a highway. It's not necessarily fatal. It endangers others and that is as wrong as what people do to us to get us here.
I was once going to jump from an overpass, I decided it was too risky to others and i might survive. Someone did today. Driver killed, jumper is still alive. Charges are possible.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm such a jerk I broke up with her. Last time I saw her, she begged me to explain what was wrong, as my decision to break up shocked her. I said I didn't want to talk but she kept on trying to convince me to open up, so I got up without saying a word and left her house. Only now I'm realising I'm at fault and that she never did anything wrong. But I don't want to text her after I left that way, it was too rude, I literally treated her like crap from the moment we broke up to the moment I last saw her. I'm not an emotional dude at all but I have to say I'm sorry for making her cry, I made her feel guilty without even explaining why I thought she was guilty and probably left her wondering. Yesterday I caught her " writing something " on Facebook, but she sent nothing in the end, didn't want to sound desperate probably.
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self.offmychest
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What do you do when literally nothing makes you happy anymore? Im trying to figure out why the fuck im still here.
|
self.depression
|
Depression is back and it is so much worse [deleted]
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self.depression
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I don’t know who I am anymore I feel like I have fallen deeper into depression [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Need advice -- think I messed up my lithium doses this morning. Normally I take 600mg lithium in the morning
(around 9:00am). today at about 12:00pm I felt "off" and realized I hadnt turned my pill bottle over (which I always do after taking a dose).
So I was worried I MAY have missed my morning dose so I took one 300mg pill just to be " safe"
Now for my question: I always take another 600mg dose In the evening (typically around 5pm) ... Is it okay to take the full evening dose around 5:00 like I normally do?
I virtually never miss doses so I'm not really sure what the protocol is. Some advice would be appreciated :)
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self.bipolar
|
I don't know if I'm happy or sad I survived Honestly I've been trying to figure my self out over the last few days, covering up my neck bruise, spending time with people and such but I have this worrying thought in the back if my mind saying it was a mistake the rope snapped. I was really sure I wanted to die and honestly I'm still pretty apathetic towards the whole thing but I thought the rope snapping was a sign and now I'm just not sure.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
It's been a busy month Thursday marked one month since I finally got tired of being unhappy and constantly fighting. Thursday marked on month since I had dropped her shit off at her apartment while she was at work and left my key behind. Thursday marked a month since I had changed the locks on my door. Thursday would have marked one month and a week since I had seen her, but then she waited for me after work last Tuesday so she could get some things off her chest.
Fair. She talked about how I was cowardly and I was throwing away 2 years together. Longer than that, really. When she was done I started walking to my car and she kept me there asking questions, keeping me talking, being the her I know when things are good, and I miss *her*... but that's not all of her. She has other sides. Other sides that like to make sweet veiled threats. The kind she rolls her eyes at when I point them out. Veiled threats she would never act on unless I really made her mad...but I'd never do that...would I?
She promised she wouldn't contact me. She wouldn't be at my shows... and yet! There she was chatting with the drummer. There she was laughing with the bassist. There she was drinking with the guitarist. I said hello. I ducked away. I talked to other friends. She found me and apologized for being there when she said she wouldn't but the bassist girlfriend blah blah blah. I said it was fine, you can be where you want but I don't have to talk to you. She was mad.
I was finished loading up when we were done and I said goodnight to everyone. I walked out the back gate and into an alley to get to my car when I heard her shout after me. I stopped and turned.
She said that she felt like we were in a better place after our conversation on Tuesday. I said I went home and felt like we needed time apart. She was mad because I didn't share that with her, I said she wasnt supposed to be at my shows. She started to try to push my buttons to get me to fight because that's how I always end up back together with her, but I turned to walk away. She screamed "You're a fucking loser and a coward!" I kept walking.
That's when she hit me.
A wild swing that caught me in the shoulder. I shrugged it off and kept walking when she ran in front of me and caught me in the chest. There was a flurry of hits, my arms were up defending. I thought she was done when the fist came at my face. I slipped out of the way and she caught my leather vest.
I know it's not the coolest item of clothing I own, but it's a gift from my father. A gift from a man that doesn't always know how to show his emotions to which I can definitely relate. A gift I didn't ask for, but that he sized up himself and got embroidered with the band name and distressed with a cool skull. It's not the coolest thing I own, but I love it. So imagine my surprise when she grabbed the double stitched lapel and ripped it right off, tearing away at thread and leather cord. I don't even know how she did it. I just kept walking.
I turned to see her holding up the scrap of leather and shouting "now you lost this too!" I kept walking.
Now I'm in the guest bedroom at my parents house. I didn't feel safe going to my place.
In the daylight it all seems so obvious. How could I be with someone capable of such anger for so long? The only real answer is that I really am a coward. That was exactly what I was afraid of every time I tried to leave before. I was afraid of her angry reprisal. I knew she was capable of violence, but I didn't know how much.
To tell the truth, I'm not sure she's done. I might go out to find my car windows smashed or my apartment trashed. She was that angry. She's made all kinds of threats. The kind that destroy lives.
We'll just have to see what tomorrow brings.
tl:dr - ex-girlfriend attacked me last night. Might have more updates soon. Just need some good vibes.
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self.offmychest
|
My dad have worked 6 years in the same company without a raise [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Just realized my depression is from feeling like I'm missing out on life... I'm a 20 year old male currently studying mechanical engineering in Houston (my hometown). I just got back from a weekend trip to a friends in San Diego and wow...I can't remember the last time I enjoyed life like that, it's been years. Ever since I was little I was obsessed with the concept of death and how short life was. This, as I'm slowly starting to realize, starting to result in severe anxiety and depression as I've gotten older. Now that I'm a student, I spend basically 99% of my time studying, inside, in my bedroom, at my parents house. If I'm not studying I'm either sleeping or in class. I am CONSTANTLY thinking about how I'm stuck inside, studying something I really don't care about while the world continues to spin and I continue to get older and older. This is seriously taking a toll on me. I know that if I get through the studying and get an engineering degree I'll be able to get a decent, high-paying job but I really don't even want that. I'm a free-spirited, non-materialistic person and working in a stressful industry like engineering just for the salary makes no sense to me, but that's what I was raised to believe was normal. I fantasize constantly about just dropping out of college and moving to someplace like California or Oregon where the "professional" lifestyle isn't as forced and just working at a restaurant or something so I can have more time to do things I actually want to do. Even just having these daydreams gives me temporary happiness and I literally look forward to going to sleep everyday to have these dreams, I've been like this for years. Is anyone else like this?
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self.depression
|
By this time people would've been so sick of me saying the same thing over and over again... [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Scary cab ride this morning - was I too paranoid? Let’s begin by saying I am a woman.
So this morning I got a cab from a local cab office (they are a big chain) which I had prebooked in advance the night before. Got in the car, all good. Noticed that the driver checked me out strangely through the rear view mirror but did not think much of it. We start driving. Now, my work is about 40 mins away by car and the route can be along some winding roads. However, 15 mins into the trip I realised we are actually still not far from my home, it is like we have been going in circles. Concerned, I check the maps on my mobile and eventually I can see that by the looks of it we are going towards some big road – in a wrong direction but still towards that road, so I though okay, he will just take it and we will follow it towards my work.
When we approach the road the driver turns in the direction OPPOSITE to my work. We are already quite far from it although should be halfway there. I can see he has a satnav with my work address on it but it doesn’t look like he is following it. Straight away, I ask him, why we are going in the opposite direction. Him, in a flat voice: Is it not the right direction? Me: No, it is the opposite direction. Him (carrying on driving): But that is what my satnav is telling me. Me: Well it is telling you wrong. Him: okay let me try google maps on my mobile (fiddles with mobile but stops half way and is not doing anything. Carries on driving) Me: So what is happening now? (Here I don’t remember what he replied as I was starting to feel a bit faint) Me: Would you like to stop the car to check the directions? Him: (looking at me in the rearview): Yes I will. He IS NOT STOPPING, he carries on driving.
Me, feeling like I am in a really, really bad dream, shouting: Stop the car!! He stopped the car, and as I was getting out of it, he did not utter a word. I jumped out in the middle of the road and in the middle of nowhere. Granted, it wasn’t middle of the night, but still I was so shaken that I just walked for a while and it took me about 10 mins to remember about things like Citimapper and Uber.
(That Uber drive wasn’t very nice either as in my state of derealisation I still felt like it was a bad dream and something bad would happen again. I couldn’t stop looking at the maps as we were moving)
Now, was I unreasonable? The cab driver was probably a freak who doesn’t know how to drive in London and how to communicate with people. If so, whatever. It shook me badly enough to consider this a traumatising experience. What do you guys think?
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm starting to hate myself. I've always been pretty good at life. School is a breeze, social life is great, I like myself, I love my wife and I feel good about what I'm doing. This last semester I've been wasting time. Terrible amounts of time. I have hours to do my schoolwork but I don't do it. I waste my time. Then I go home and I only do my work because my wife is watching. I am feeling so lazy for no reason. I have absolutely no motivation to get started on anything and I'm falling behind in all of my classes. I have to do well in school so that I can finish my degree and get a job to support my future family but I can't. I look at all the work I have to do that I haven't done and I hate myself. I'm hiding it from my wife as best as I can but pretty soon everything is going to come crashing down. I can't do this. I can't sleep at night. I can't wake up in the morning and get to class on time, let alone to the gym. I just want to waste my life away.
What happened to all of my limitless motivation that I had when I was a teenager that stopped me from making all of the stupid mistakes that everyone else was making and pull ahead in life? Why am I wasting my time on social media when I used to never care for it because it was a waste of time? I feel like a pathetic shell of my former self. What can I do?
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self.offmychest
|
My girlfriend has diagnosed Anxiety and I want to know how to help her. Title pretty much says it all. My girlfriend has diagnosed anxiety and depression. The depression side I can handle as I was depressed myself and can understand where she is coming from in that sense so I can provide her with help when she needs it. However, Anxiety is something that I have never had a big problem with. I’m struggling to help her because I don’t know what she’s feeling.
How can I be a supportive boyfriend? What are the steps to helping her get through a panic attack?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I honestly dont know why I havent yet. Every day and every night is the same thing over and over with my ptsd and problems with my SO. It feels like ive been living in the movie groundhogs day but a fucked up not funny dark version. Im a drain on everyone I know, ive hurt almost everyone close to me in some huge fashion. My ptsd only gets worse as the years go on it never gets better. Ive done everything the right way and lost my damn job for it to just not matter. Like really if I killed myself everyone who knows me life would improve somehow and ive wanted to kill myself since I was 9...maybe ive waited too long. If anyone feels similarly or whatever feel free to reach out.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My future Lately I’ve been finding myself looking in a mirror and contemplating about my future, I’m in high school so I have many outcomes available, but I don’t feel the drive to get a job. Instead I lie around smoking weed and
half-assing school, all I see in the future is me on the streets. I’m socially awkward so I can never meet new friends or go to parties. I’m always alone and when I am I get lost in a world of awful negative thoughts. I have so much stress my mind feels so cluttered and messy I can’t think put together what I want to get out of life. Wtf is going on
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self.depression
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Completely unmotivated to do anything, however I don’t really feel depressed. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Idk Why I Feel Like This Im 17, African American, resident of Detroit Michigan and a high school senior. I’ve never been medically diagnosed with depression, although I feel like I am depressed. I always feel unmotivated, discontent with life, and usually want to be alone in my space and thoughts. People in school always ask am I okay because I always look sad and uninterested, despite my talkative and somewhat outgoing personality. Some days I feel like I’m on top of life, and others I feel like there’s no point of life with death being eminent. I had suicidal thoughts two years ago which lasted for about a year, however I never did anything to potentially harm myself. I am a moderate marijuana smoker in my opinion, and I have been smoking since the summer of 2016. I’m never blowed out of my mind and mainly smoke just to feel it. (i have a thc oil cartridge [the clear] which i smoke from and will rebuy when i run out of oil as I feel the need mentally or even if I’m bored, but can go days without weed if there’s no urge). Marijuana might be the only reason I haven’t thought about off-ing myself. It helps me think and find solace in the fucked up world we live in. I also find happiness and peace in EDM (electronic dance music) that talks about love and life that come from people such as Illenium, EDEN, Audien, etc. I find happiness only in money, weed, and music. I have a girlfriend who I have been with for 10 months now, and have been repressing many feelings about how I feel about her. I let the bad things she does slide all the time, but every time I do something as little as not text her goodmorning, it’s World War 3. We don’t have sex because she made me wait so long for it which made me uninterested in it with her, and she’s not exactly the most flirtatious person and isn’t really pleasing me sexually and in my eyes she’s not even trying to. I try talking to her and every time I do, it’s like I’m tripping to her or I’m not paying attention to how she feels enough. I’ve been trying my hardest to be the best thing in her life, but everything I do is wrong or not good enough to her, which leads to anxiety when I’m with her. She constantly tells me I’m a good boyfriend, but her constant criticism says something different. As much as I want to be single, I put a year into this girl and only have 6 months until high school graduation. I figured might as well stick it out until then, for her, but at the same time I’m sacrificing my happiness for hers. Tbh, this feels like a bad marriage to me... stuck and wanting to leave, but the seldom good outweighs the often bad in the relationship. I really don’t know if the grass is greener on the other side, which is why I stick around. I also grew up in a 6 figure household, way better off financially than a lot of my peers, I’m rather good looking and am aware of that, so my looks and money shouldn’t contribute to why I feel this way. At the age of 13, my dad died and it has been just me and my mother since July 2013. I rarely think about him, and try not to because I know that will bring up crying and more emotions that reminds me of death and the end of life. My mom tried to push the grieving process onto me as best she could, and made me go to counseling with her, but I shut out the help because I didn’t want it or feel like I needed it. It got to a point in my life where I was just living, not looking for the good things in life. Literally just living in a rut, doing the same things over and over, just because that’s what life to me is. You do everything how you see fit to find happiness in the world, until your time comes. The only problem was, I didn’t and still don’t know if I will find happiness ever.
I don’t know if this depression-like feeling is really depression. If it is, I don’t know if it’s coming from my own thoughts of second guessing the good I have to find in my life for myself as it comes, or if it stems from my own self destruction from my somewhat toxic relationship, or if it’s from subconscious grieving due to the death of my father at a young age, or if it’s just me being “dramatic” in the eyes of most. I don’t feel suicidal because I know there’s good out there in the world, and I want to experience the good, and don’t want to give up the good chances I have of success considering coming from a high income family, two parents with degrees, enrollment in many extra curricular programs that teach skills such as leadership development and professionalism.
From what I said, I just want to know your guy’s thoughts on what you think could be the issue(s) in my life. Please be as honest as possible. Please do not hesitate to ask questions to better understand my feelings. And again, please help me find the wrongs in my life so I can try to kick these depressed feelings without seeking professional help.
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self.depression
|
I don't want people to look at me I go through bouts of extremely *extremely* low self esteem, and it's absolutely brutal. Being out in public is like torture, and I can't focus very well on things because my mind is racing with negative thoughts about how horrible my appearance is. I can't describe the feeling but it's *so* bad. The hatred I have for my body, while knowing it's the only one I'll ever have shatters me. I'm stuck in this repulsive body. Every step is pure shame. It's this horrible dreadful feeling, I can physically feel it in my stomach. It weighs me down. It gets so bad that I don't even want to leave the house, it puts too much stress on my mind being out where people can see me. I literally feel so ashamed I feel I should hide away. My opinion of myself is so strong too I don't know if I could ever believe otherwise.
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self.depression
|
Given up I'm just so tired, I'm just so done. I don't know what to do anymore. I don't see a point anymore. Every day is just getting darker and darker and I don't know how long I can keep this act going, I'm losing my mind peace by peace and I can feel my heart shattering piece by piece
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self.depression
|
85% dark chocolate and anxiety The past few days I've been eating anywhere from 2-6 squares of 85% dark chocolate per day. I've also suddenly been having absolutely horrible, terrifying existential panic attacks that I've never felt before in my entire life. could there be a link? Anyone else felt anxiety from eating lots of really dark chocolate before?
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self.Anxiety
|
Who are some pro athletes and or coaching types that you would like to sit with and talk about life, personal stuff with and learn from?
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self.Anxiety
|
Feeling lost Recently got dumped in a really shitty way.... been just super depressed because I don’t know where to go without my so. Not sure what to do with myself.... and just feeling majorly jealous that they’re doing well and I’m not.
Anybody have any tips? Or experience with tough breakups?
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self.depression
|
Nothing. The only thing that is providing some contentment, some peace right now is the probability of killing myself sometime soon. I wanted to tell you all, because I can't tell anyone I know. I recognize that the presence of individuals who would stop me makes this a particularly selfish action. But this is really the only thing I desire, anymore. There's nothing else.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Bipolar, divorced, abandoned my faith, left my job, my city, my bf and lost a bunch of friends. Starting over by establishing my own 10 commandments. Criticism welcome. 1) Treat everyone the way I want to be treated.
2) Treat myself like I am my own beloved baby girl.
*feed me right
*make play a priority
*take care of my precious body
*keep learning
*love LOVE love
3) Always strive for greater self awareness.
4) Prioritize the personal above the material
5) Consistent personal happiness is my
measure for success and my continuous life's ambition.
6) Accept lessons from negative circumstances or emotions then release
them abandoning rumination or lingering:
shame, guilt, anger, resentment, anxiety
embarrassment, depression, hurt, fear.
or vengeance.
7) Enjoy art, architecture and music whenever possible. These create passion and always return positive dividends in happiness.
8) Pursue pleasurable social engagements with friends and family on my terms.
9) Keep a team together: (besides a bestie, a buddy and a love interest)
*3 Wisewomen
*therapist
*doctor
*psychiatrist
*gynecologist
*school counselor, financial
advisor, attorney... prn
10) Leave a legacy. Primarily, a lifestyle I'm alright with my children emulating… like a roadmap through the fireswamp.
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self.bipolar
|
All I think about is hurting you now. Don't worry, I won't hurt you because I'll be gone by Thanksgiving. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Anxiety & hot body My body feels warm but my temp is normal. But when i exhale, my breath feels hot. It feels like when you have fever and your breath is exhaling hot air. I don’t have fever. My body just tends to be warm.
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self.Anxiety
|
In 2 minutes I will turn 25. What a waste of a fucking life. My nervous, useless schizophrenic mother should have never given birth to anyone, let alone me. I say that not out of self-hatred, but out of self kindness. My mother never had the mental capacity to raise a secure, healthy child. And now every single second of my life is spent in psychological pain. I lead a lonely, painful, meaningless existence. I used to have hope but this is the first birthday where I truly wish I was never born.
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self.depression
|
I hate myself. When I talk I hate myself for saying the wrong things. When I stay silent I hate myself for not speaking up. I'm constantly worrying about how others see me. And it's even worse with my dad, since he's extremely conservative and christian and I'm bisexual and an atheist. The only reason I don't kill myself is I don't want to hurt the few friends I have. How do I stop hating myself?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I think I give up on people I tried to keep a variety of different opinions on my facebook feed. If I thought something wasn't well-informed or was blind to the opposing side or just a strawman or something I would try to bring attention to the truth. I didn't favor sides on anything. I "defended" views I do not hold to make sure there wasn't an echo chamber and that all sides were represented. But after being personally insulted several times I got sadder about it all. I can't do it anymore. It hurts to not respond to things I see that are promoting those echo chambers. It's a dumb compulsion. People don't like that kind of person. But I always felt like I was propagating a false or damaging worldview if I didn't. It's everyone's epistemic responsibility to not propagate things like that.
But I give up. I'm just unfollowing anyone that ever says anything like that now. I'll create my own little echo chamber so I don't have to worry about what I feel is a moral responsibility. I'll bury my head in the sand like everyone else. Let it all silence me. It's not a great comparison and I don't presume myself special or having saved anyone. But I feel something like the end of "I have no mouth but I must scream".
Ah well, thanks for listening to a sad man rambling.
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self.offmychest
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Someone chat with me! My mind is racing, I can't focus and I'm afraid I'll disclose *too* much at work (such was the case yesterday #SnowmanFail)
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self.bipolar
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Weighted blanket I posted this in the anxiety and insomnia subreddit but I thought Id ask here. Anyone tried a weighted blanket to help with sleep or anxiety? Did it work?
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self.bipolar
|
Is what I am describing the result of anxiety? I don't really know if I have anxiety, but I often get this feeling that I can't breathe and so I start sucking in air really heavily. Sometimes, I do this in public and it can be pretty disturbing to others. It seems to happen when I get nervous. When I tell myself that I can't breathe heavy, I still survive, so this makes me think it's not an actual breathing / lung problem. Is this anxiety? Is there any type of therapy that anyone can reccomend?
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self.Anxiety
|
Fuck me dude. I don't know what to do.
I wake up every morning hunger over counting down the hours to get drunk again at night. I battle anxiety attacks every day and I have for years. I cry myself to sleep night every now and then.
I know what I need to do to get better. I need to get a job, get out there, do shit. But I don't want to. I literally have no desire to get better. I simply want to delve deeper and deeper into this depression until I get the balls to kill myself. I have 0 interest in digging out of this, fuck that I don't deserve a second chance.
I'm only 19 and my life is already fucking over. Who the fuck becomes a depressed alcoholic at 19? My family is too good and I don't deserve them. I want to kill myself and be forgotten but that would only hurt them. Fuck. Literally the only thing keeping me here.
Sorry for rambling and venting, I have nobody to talk to irl. I mean I do, but I would never show my emotions to anybody in person fuck that I'm too much of a coward.
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self.depression
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When Im at school I daydream to escape reality and when Im at home I play video games to escape reality
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self.depression
|
Leaving job in a few weeks and Feeling Anxious. Strategies? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Ashwaghanda....this game changer kept me from being medicated!!! It's not exactly a secret that my anxiety had gotten worse the older I got. I went from big anxiety attacks some of the time, to experiencing anxiety to some degree every. I was having mood swings, was scatterbrained, couldn't concentrate. It was affecting my ability to my job, and my husband and I were arguing a lot about my "half-assing" pretty much any task I started. I went to my PCP and he gave me a Rx for Lexapro for my anxiety. I looked at the side effects, and felt that I'd rather deal with the anxiety.
I was talking to a provider at the clinic I work in and he suggested I start taking a supplement called Ashwaghanda. I was willing to give it a shot, and am so glad I did. It's one capsule in the morning, and another in the afternoon. For me, I take it M-F at 7:15 and again at 12:00. On the first day, I was feeling it working it's magic before it was time for the afternoon capsule. I am thinking clearly, moods are stable....and the biggest plus of all is the anxiety is barely there! This supplement does more than treat anxiety though. Honestly, it would probably be easier to talk about what it can't do.
I absolutely recommend this to everyone! Here's a quick list of things Ashwaghanda can help:
• Treat diabetes
• Treat ulcers
• Treat insomnia
• Treat senile dementia
• Treat Parkinson’s disease
• Treat nervous disorders
• Treat rheumatism and arthritis
• Treat intestinal infections
• Treat breathing disorders, like bronchitis and asthma
• Treat cancer
• Reduce the severity of colds and coughs
• Increase sexual enhancement
• Enhance health as an adaptogen
• Treat anxiety
• Treat tumors
• Treat skin conditions
• Treat fibromyalgia
• Treat menstrual difficulty
• Treat liver disease
• Treat persistent hiccups
• Decrease pain and inflammation
• Prevent the effects of aging
• Enhance fertility in men and women
• Treat wounds and backaches
• Increase thinking ability
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self.Anxiety
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my girlfriend and i were robbed on new years i saw how they were (two were distracting us while two robbed my girlfriend and I), and i tracked them to the asylum center by find my iphone, where it went dead. reported to the police, etc etc.
someone found gf's drivers license (destroyed) so we went and looked for other items where the guy who found it told us, found a few of her receipts not far away from where the robbery took place.
I'm afraid they were startled by find my iphone going into lost mode and beeping and that they destroyed it, since they were dumb enough to destroy a god-damn drivers license. (why would someone do that anyway?!)
pisses me off so much.
this is a city where random muggings just didnt happen, and 10 years i lived here i never had anything stolen from me, and i passed away drunk for 2 hours.
it really put my whole non-xenophobic non-bigoted worldview to a test. one of the guy who was distracting me told me he is from algeria, they were speaking shitty english, i cant confirm that they really were from algeria. however, tracking the phone to the asylum was then a super wierd coincidence... and it was the police that actually said its probably migrants. I didn't make the connection, i just thought it was random dipshits that came to celebrate new years.
oh well. wcyd.
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self.offmychest
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My mental illness doesn't make me want to kill myself, the way people react to it does.
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self.depression
|
An inward experience during panic attacks I was wondering if anyone else had this feeling and what it is about.
Basically every once in a while I have panic attacks. During these attacks I feel like I am about to die and that I can not breathe and my heart is racing. However the worst feeling is this inward feeling. It feels like I am inside myself, like I am seeing from behind my eyes. I know this sounds weird and its hard to describe. But I feel like I am viewing myself but I feel like I can control myself fine I just feel very inward and dark.
Any input is helpful, I hope everyone is doing okay
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self.Anxiety
|
There's a part of me that I don't know what's wrong with. I'm 24, musician, and a full time teacher. I've had bouts with severe depression and a few times of darkness. My sister died of an overdose when I was 13, then my father passed away when I was 16. I prevailed and went through school, traveled the country and the world, graduated college. But now I feel as though something isn't happy inside of me. It might be loneliness, grief, pain, or feeling lost. There's one instance where I was suicidal, long story short I think scared a lot of people that were close to me. I think they won't talk to me because of that. I know what makes me happy and what makes me feel good. I try to do all of those things, but lately it hasn't had any effect.
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self.depression
|
For those who have been hospitalized: what's the stupidest/weirdest rule your facility had?
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self.bipolar
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Please help :’( I feel overwhelmed I’m in the psych ward and the one friend I made is leaving on Tuesday and I’ve suddenly been overtaken by a gripping fear pounding in my chest that nothing is going to stay the same, I’ll move on as well and on the whole life is far too frightening for me to continue. I know this sounds like catastrophic thinking and it probably is, but I have no support from anyone and I feel I’ll be totally alone in whatever steps I next take...
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self.Anxiety
|
Anxiety Caused Me to Fail a Drug test -- trying again tomorrow Hi everyone,
Last week I tried to take a urine drug test, but I couldn't pee because I was really nervous and I could hear people talking and laughing outside the bathroom door. I ended up failing it because I couldn't produce a sample.
Later that day I contacted my psychiatrist who wrote a letter to my potential employer explaining that my anxiety could cause difficulty urinating on demand. They allowed me to reschedule another one and I'll be taking it tomorrow. I'm really nervous I'm not going to be able to do it again.
My doctor recommended I take the Ativan he prescribed me but I'm scared to death it won't work. I really need some advice, please help guys :(
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self.Anxiety
|
I am sick of my parents specifically my mom treating me like shit I don’t even feel like she wants me alive anymore [deleted]
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self.depression
|
End of year Holidays, X-Mas and New Years just make me lonely or feel somber It feels as if I *just* do not have my life in a complete circle yet, or at least to my standards.
I cannot even get close to my family, the father, the mother and siblings simply because (and **ridiculous** enough) I have not experienced a romantic partner in a long long while.
I am distant or grow myself distant, simply because of that fact. I am not complete, I do not feel complete, I have not experienced this year "complete" simply because I needed to keep my stomach fed and bills to have a roof under my head maintained and paid. Work definitely took most of my time.
I am distant with family because each family member has had someone to bond and share time with. They know or have people who are not a family member... I need to experience this but I do not know why I use this reason to keep myself distant. Perhaps because I think it is gross? Being that single, bachelor, loner family member in every gathering? I feel like that finding a partner or growing a bigger social circle is a priority in the next year, and this is *after struggling* to find a stable job to feed and keep a roof under me. The self-wants more, and frustratingly enough for something simpler, like someone to know and get known outside of the family. **But why is this case?**
In closing, the last thoughts as to why this season makes me feel somber are because of the opportunities that I wish I should have had. I think I would rate this year as a decent one when it comes to mileage, but I feel as if I fell short when it comes to accomplishments. I tried to find better work, tried even harder to save and pay bills. But my accomplishments (primarily personal) feels lacking.
Edit: the only time I share with nonfamily members are co-workers, and I think co-workers and friends should be separate, especially when it's a job that has no clear paths to long-term careers
**Tell me, do you also feel the same?**
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self.offmychest
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Job anxiety. Have to be there in less than an hour. Very scared of coworkers. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Does anybody have this same weird problem after waking up around 3-4 am? I have this weird situation going on where nearly every morning now, after waking up around 3-4 a.m. I will be half-awake and trying to go back asleep, the problem is, that my mind is constantly telling me, your alarm is about to go off, you can't go back to sleep, and just all the things that run through my head before I fall asleep start to go through my mind.
I am not laying awake with my eyes closed, but I am in a light dream with all of this going on?
Anyone have this problem too? I'm losing so much sleep because of it.
Update: Happened again this morning. I was dreaming that I woke up and checked my phone and a girl replied, so was replaying a scenario of what I was gonna text back, over, and over, and over again. I finally realized that it wasn't actually happening and woke myself up.
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self.Anxiety
|
My thoughts are torturing me. When the pain is barely bearable. I am a wreck, I feel so much pain, I am afraid of taking meds. I am 19 and it seems like many people of my age go through the same shit. Something is very wrong with my mind. Why isn't there a threshold for pain?
It is not that I feel depressed, I experience depression completely differently, more like feeling hurt by my thoughts! They bring undescribable painful feelings I can barely stand. Anyone out there?
It feels like my mind is directly pointing to suicide. Can one be destined to do it?
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self.depression
|
Seriously What am I doing wrong? Just been surrounded by jerks lately. I've really tried to look into myself and what I see is that I am very boring, on top of that im gay.
Its just been a lot of crap lately. The feelings of rejection. I hanged out with a very popular girl group at school (I mean its rather cliche to call them popular whatever, but they even make jokes about being popular. They are super nice but its always like "Can you go out I need to speak to the girls about girl things." Which makes me realise I dont fit in there.
There is also this other girl group I hang out with occasionly and they often have girl nights and im obviously not invited since im a guy.
Then im friends with the boyfriend of a girl at school. He often sends me bare chested snapchats as a tease, so I sent one back as a goof. His girlfriend saw it and she attacked me and demanded I stopped talking to him.
Then a mutual friend who was also gay was super nice to me at new years eve. Until the next day where he just suddenly was ice cold and blocked me when I asked whats up. He said so many nice things and that I was handsome and that we totally had to meet up, and then he just blocks me?
Don't even get me started on the guys. "We totally respect you but we dont wanna hang out with you." Sure there was this one party where I drank way to much and was nearly knocked down four times since no one could bother to take care of me (I know I have a responseability to take care of myself).
We REALLY suffer economically at home. Mom has CFS so she doesen't work, as such she borrows alot of money. She still owes me a thousand dollars from last christmas. So there was this one time where the woman in the canteen forgot to cash in one thing and I went with it.
So I just said it to one of my girl friends and she said it to the teacher and I got in really big trouble for that.
And let's not forget about the part where mom gets drunk and tells dad that im gay. He's jamaican and I didn't even get the oppertunity to tell him myself. What does he do? As the christian he is he calls be a disgrace and says he's going to cut me off if I dont turn to jesus yada yada.
Starting to feel real suicidal
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Newb with a question about Lamotrigine Hey everyone! I’m new here. Hope this question is okay. I’m moving up to 50mg of Lamotrigine tomorrow night after being on 25mg for 2 weeks. I had some really bad nausea around the beginning of week 2 that has tapered into nausea that I can deal with. Do you think it’s going to happen all over again (the bad nausea) every time I go up a dose or, in your experiences, was it just that initial 25mg that sucked? Tell me your Lamotrigine/Lamictal story. Thanks for reading. 🖤
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self.bipolar
|
I feel like everyone talks about me I feel like everyone talks about me and down to me. I have no redeeming qualities but my ability to write. I can't hold a job. I'm slow. I'm word smart but it's useless when I'm slow. When it's Winter, I get more depressed and contemplate hurting myself. My mood swings violently and I feel trapped in my body.
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self.depression
|
Always needing reassurance-anxiety peaks when I don't get it I have had a particularly anxious day today and I am struggling with calming my racing thoughts and need for some reassurance. The specific anxiety I'm dealing with today is my fear of people close to me not getting along, or being mad at me (or my boyfriend because it feels like an extension of me). This happened today and now I am finding myself trying to bait the person who got mad into saying something comforting like " it's fine, I'm not mad" or "it's no big deal". Unfortunately this person is not like that so even though there is a good chance she really isn't that mad, I won't be able to get the actual reassurance that I am so desperate for. She literally read my FB message and never responded and then later sent me something totally unrelated which made my anxious brain assume she was intentionally doing this. Ugh. I hate anxiety.
Ironically I guess I'm looking for reassurance that my need for reassurance is not that unusual. And if anyone has any tips for managing that when you can't, or dont, get the reassurance, I'd love to hear it.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Often we hear “I’m only hanging on b/c I don’t want my parents to suffer.” If you had mean parents, would you still hang on for them?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I want to help my girlfriend So i know this girl for almost 2 years, but we are together for less than 1 month. I knew from the start that she feels sucidial, but i didn't know exactly why till 1 week ago, when i asked her to talk to me because i couldn't wait there without helping her. So, her suicidal thoughts are triggered by her last relationship where she was abused mentally and physically. And now because of that she says she changed in a way that she doesnt want, she says that shes full of hate and cold with others, which is not true - shes very lovely and i'm impressed how much she cares about others and how helpfull she is. My mother used to take her home because we stay kinda far from each other and every night my mother will take her home by car, i dont have a driving licences so i can t do that. Whatever, she brought her candies and other things to thank her for her rides. I can tell you that she s very, very lovely person. But she keeps saying that she hates herself for being mean and cold with others. She says she doesnt deserve me and that she waits me to find someone else who deserve me so she can end her life. I beg you guys to help me, i cry everytime when i talk about this and its starts to feel so heavy on me. I also suffer from anxiety and this feels so harsh, when the night comes i start to feel so bad that its hard for me to fall asleep without crying.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Autistic friend won't respect my boundaries As the title states. I'm 18, he's in his 30s. We matched on a dating site but it's also one where you can also look for friends. I guess he falls under the category of high functioning autistic but I don’t know if that term is considered offensive?
I only had intentions of being friends because we shared the same interests and I could see us having a great friendship and hanging out. I made it very clear from the start that while I'm in an open relationship, I'm only looking for friends. Everything was cool in the beginning but than he wanted to call our hangouts, "dates" instead. I was like yeah, sure, whatever you want.
The same week I kinda started to get a little irritated with him constantly calling our plans to meet up "dates" and it was giving me anxiety about some unfortunate past experiences and I felt like he was trying to move us into a relationship so I asked him if we could not call them dates anymore because he was getting really serious with it. Asking me about how I felt about PDA, holding hands, kissing, cuddling, etc. He said he was just kidding around when he called our future hangouts "dates" and he'd stop if I wanted him to.
I felt bad because I thought I misinterpreted his intent and he was just being playful but holy fucking shit was I wrong. So he keeps calling them dates. And than we're back to asking me about how I feel with PDA, cuddling, kissing, holding hands...
He stated in his profile he is a virgin so I was aware. I later find out that he has had girlfriends before and he's pleasured them but the only sexual contact he's ever had on himself is having his crotch rubbed outside of his pants. I ask him if he's tried going on any other apps, like Tinder so he can get a hookup. He said no, he's never been on any other dating websites or apps. He said he wanted to find a relationship too. So I give him a list of the few I've been on, they're not pornographic sites but they're dating sites/apps where you can find a mix of hookups or looking to date.
He tells me that he wants to be in a poly relationship with just bisexual women and he wants me to be apart of it. He admitted he wouldn't want me seeing other men because he felt like he wouldn't be enough for me. It doesn't sound like jealousy but I feel like that came from insecurity. I told him that I'd be willing to help him find girls who would be interested in dating him and creating his "relationship". I also told him that I'm not going to stop seeing my boyfriend if we ended up in a poly relationship and he said he knew he couldn't stop me but he'd prefer I didn't.
At this point, every time I kept pushing back on his suggestions of us being a couple or him flirting with me or saying he wanted to cuddle, I'd reject them. But I'm starting to see now that he was actually wearing me down which is why I stopped being so stern on not wanting to date him. I decided to keep an open mind to it because he pretty much kept shoving it in my face. He kept saying he'd probably fall for me and I told him honestly,
"I don't feel anything for you."
"I don't think it's gonna work."
"Let's not force something that's not going to work.”
"We're both two different people who want separate things in life and there's nothing wrong with that.”
That was always met with:
"Well we haven't met yet."
"I don't like closing off the possibility"
"But we both like each other..." (AS FRIENDS, YES)
And we always had this same rundown, I’ve been straightforward with him multiple times about how being touched:
Him: “When we go on our date, how about we hold hands at the beginning and hug and I’ll ease you into it and we can cuddle and hopefully get more close to each other.”
Me: “Idk about all that.”
Him: “Ok, how about just holding hands and hugging than?
Me: “I’m ok with hugging.”
Him:“Ok.”
I’m not even attracted to him. I just wanted to be friends and he knew this from the start but he keeps pushing and pushing and pushing. So we finally met and he surprisingly kept his hands to himself. My ideal “date” was going to Chinatown and walking around and checking out the stores and having lunch. This is another thing that bothered me about him, every time I bought up psychical activity, (shoveling snow, thinking of joining the ROTC, hiking, taking my dog for a walk near 2 mile walk) He would tell me he was so out of shape he couldn’t do it because he was too fat. I’m by no means skinny but I’m working on losing weight and I’ve lost 40lbs so far. I told him he could be my walking/hiking/jogging buddy and we could just start with walking until he got comfortable enough to do more. He really wasn’t enthralled with the idea but he agreed. That never went anywhere…
On our date, he couldn’t keep up with me. I tried walking at a slower pace and I’d see in the store mirrors he was about 5 feet behind me. I felt so fucking bad because I naturally walk fast and I know how humiliating and embarrassing it is to be out of breath so quickly from taking the steps and doing psychical activity. I completely forgot that when we first talked about our ideal “dates”, he asked me if we could take breaks in between walking because he doesn’t think he can walk that far. I would’ve suggested more that we could’ve just stopped at a cafe and sat for bit if I had remembered.
I feel like an ass but his lifestyle/traits (?) bothers me and I really don’t think we’d be compatible at all as a couple. He still lives with his parents, he works a part time job, he plays video games in his free time, he runs a website called the bearded something. We talked for about a month and he actually couldn’t tell me much about myself. Everything I opened up to him about, everything he’s learned about me, he couldn’t remember. He has done some other things that make me feel bad about myself but he apologizes.
He doesn’t get out of the house very often, he’s he doesn’t share the same compassion about nature that I do, he’s not into psychical activity, (no hiking or nature walks, he hates road trips so no long car rides into the country side and travel is completely out of the question)….Which is literally everything I do in my free time. When we first met, he actually confessed to me that his Dad was angry about us meeting up because he thought he was going to be kidnapped. He's not defenseless by any means. His Dad also isn't very happy about the age gap either.
As a friend, he doesn’t know how to support me. He literally doesn’t know what to say and he comes off as dismissive the majority of the time and I understand that he’s not trying to be but it’s not something you can easily read when you’re depressed and you’re venting to someone about how you just found our your grandma has breast cancer and their first reaction is “Nooooooo”
Or when you tell him that you haven’t heard from your boyfriend in a few days and it turns out he got into an accident (he’s ok but his car got totaled) and his first reaction is “Yikes.”
Half of our conversations are just him saying one words, he doesn’t really converse back…I’m trying to be understanding and helpful to him but I have two major concerns. He tells me when he and his Dad argue, his dad says “you don’t have to live here.” He told me that his Dad knows fully well he can’t take care of himself and that he lacks the independency. I honestly don’t know if he can do anything for himself.
I have to do a lot of things for him. He said he had no other way out and I want I told him about getting a case worker, finding low income housing, getting an Obamaphone, etc. Open a bank account at credit union to save money. He could apply for food stamps, apply for Medicare if he didn't have insurance. This was news to him. He said he's envious of my independency and lack of parental nagging. He knows my independency stems from unsupportive, abusive, neglectful parenting and I had to raise myself to survive and I'm still struggling. His Dad saved a college fund for him before he was born so he never had to worry about student loans. Right now I'm struggling with taking out private loans or dropping out my freshmen year because they're not letting me register for the spring. I don't have parents calling me every night and checking up on me. I don't have parents taking care of my tuition. That's not something to be envious of, trust me. And he was still telling me about how he hates being single for the Holidays, how he wants to cuddle someone, etc and I’d ask him how his search was going looking for a girl on those apps and websites I gave him, he hasn’t done it because he said he still wanted to see if we would turn into a relationship.
He’s been to 3 different Universities because he wanted to major in video game design and he ended up dropping out of all them before he got a chance to learn anything. He also said he cant find any high majors in video game design and he wanted to go back to school. So I of course did the research for him and I looked at the website of one of the schools he went to…They had a Masters in Video Game design. I also told him that he could major in graphic design and take electives that could teach him the works of video game designs and find clubs, etc. Again, this was all news to him. I couldn’t stop thinking, “Have you never been to an academic advisor??”
My boyfriend has warned me about everything I’ve said about his behavior, he told me he can’t be helped because he mooches off people and that he has no respect for my boundaries. He said that I’ve made it very clear and obvious to him that I’m not interested and I don’t want to pursue anything other than a friendship.
When we first met he kept trying to hold my hand throughout the day and but he tried to be subtle with it but I acted like I had no clue and I kept my hands busy and out of his reach.
So this past weekend, a week after we met for the first time, I had to yet again tell him, I just want to be friends and I don’t want to date. He took that horribly…He had a complete meltdown. He said it sounded like I’ll never love him and that it hurt him so much and he started guilt tripping me and said that us being friends is never going to be enough, it NEEDS to be romantic, and he DEMANDED that I stay open to the idea. He tried to fucking control me and it triggered my PTSD and I had an anxiety attack. I told him he was freaking me out and he immediately stopped and kept apologizing. My heart was racing, I felt sick to my stomach and I couldn’t stop thinking about how he could’ve done something to me last time. We could’ve gone to his parents place and God knows what could’ve happened than. I felt like I had put myself in a risky position now that I finally saw the kind of person he was and it fucking scared me.
He’s been trying to force me into a relationship with him this whole time and he lost his patience because now that we finally met and it wasn’t mutual, that pretty much confirmed his worse fears.
I feel like I wrote him off as some sort of helpless, innocent, defenseless autistic person but he’s very mature and he knows exactly what he’s doing. He is fully aware and he can communicate effectively but he’s bad with words. Writing this I feel like I’m the one who’s actually an asshole but there are undeniably multiple times where he wouldn’t take no for answer and he knows fully damn well what he was doing. I was straight forward and honest with him and he would literally ignore it. His ex-girlfriends may have put up with it but I refused to be taken advantage of. I told him that his behavior was coming off as abusive and that you can’t force someone to love you. I told him he needs to respect my decision to say no. No doesn’t mean convince me. I told him that this is what HE wants, it’s not what I want and that’s the problem.
I know abusive and destructive behavior when I see it, I should’ve ran from the hills when the first red flags popped up. But despite all this, I still want to be his friend. I feel stupid but a part of me wants to believe that he doesn’t have malice intent and that he needs to work on his behavior and how he handles rejection and I could help him but another part of me says that I’m not his therapist…But I really don’t want to see him go down a bad road that turns into domestic abuse.
TLDR: I’m 18 and I have an older high functioning autistic friend who won’t take “no” for an answer and he kept pushing his desire to be in a bisexual, women only, poly relationship with him despite the fact he knows I’m not at all interested, I’ve made it clear multiple times, and in the end he used emotional manipulative tactics to try to guilt me into it and it triggered my PTSD and I’m still recovering from the fear. I’m trying to trust him again but it’s giving me depression and flashbacks. Am I in the wrong? Is it at all possible that he’s innocent but I’m the one taking things the wrong way? I've been reading up on "nice guys" and "incels" and he fits the description perfectly and its making me sick to my stomach. However, I don't know if my feelings are justifiable. I don’t know anymore but I miss the friendship we had before things went down hill….
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self.offmychest
|
Dread going to social events? My roommate invited me to something with 3 other people who I'm not friends with. When I picture going, I feel like I *might* have a good time but dread overpowers it. It's today and I'm trying to make any other plans to have an excuse not to go, but I'm getting so anxious like its the worst thing in the world. It's not even that shameful to just say no and stay home, but I live with my roommate and I don't want him to think I'm more of a loser and it fills me with depression.
I feel like going isn't even a possibility at this time but I want to know how to fix that.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Why can't anybody care this much I just want somebody who cares to the point where they ask what's wrong and I auto pilot to "I'm fine I'm just tired" to grab me by both my shoulders and ask no, tell me what's really wrong. The proceed to either hug me or comfort me. Why can't anybody do this?
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self.depression
|
Non stop heart palpitations Hey all,
Since mid August last year I’ve had pretty much non stop heart palpitations. I’ve been to doctors/hospital, had heaps of different tests and everyone tells me it’s just anxiety or there is no known cause. I know however it’s more than anxiety.
For 2 years plus I’ve been experimenting with drugs. At first it was smoking weed, then for 8 months on and off I experimented with mdma (probably have used it 12 times). For two years, I had been drinking at least 2-3 times a week. Most of the time it was a couple of drinks, then also binge drinking other times. During this time, I never had a bad experience with drugs and was relatively happy. I was sometimes anxious at work that’s about it. I moved from Australia to Canada during April last year. I was having the time of my life. I met so many friends, partied heaps, was always around people and out and about. I started smoking weed everyday here (I did that all the time back home). Then two weeks after arriving here I started experimenting with cocaine. The first time I did it I only did a bit so it was fine. The second time I did it, I experienced my first ever panic attack. I didn’t touch it for a few weeks again. Then I met new people and started drinking everyday a lot and tried cocaine a few more times. Then there was this one night I did a lot of pure cocaine, I would have snorted close to a gram of almost pure cocaine to myself. I got in this weird mood. I started panicking and came home. I had a really bad panic attack for 8 hours straight and couldn’t sleep. My arms were numb, I had the worst palpitations, I struggled to move etc. the following week and a half afterwards was the worst of my life. I experienced bad withdrawals, panicking, anxiety, depression, suicidal thoughts etc. I swore to never touch it again. I had a break until I felt better and started drinking again (still while smoking almost daily). I was getting drunk 3-4 times a week and drinking casually every other day for close to a month and a half straight. Then there was this one day at work I felt a bit weird. I went to my tattoo appointment and started experiencing weird heat moving around my body and slight anxiety. I went afterwards and had a couple of drinks and felt fine. The next day I felt extremely light headed and dizzy. I tried smoking weed and I had a little chest pain. I had a couple of beers and at first felt weird but then fine once drunk. The next day I was at work and felt like I was having a heart attack. I was having bad heart palpitations, dizziness, fatigue, lightheaded, numbness, anxiety. Since that day I have been experiencing the symptoms on and off. I have not drank since then (I tried and it gave me bad palpitations twice). I haven’t used drugs or had any coffee or other caffeinated products as I get bad palpitations. Every day I have them pretty much 24/7, some days worse, some I barely even feel. With this I get on and off anxiety, at first panic attacks (gone with medication), numbness in left arm, chest pain sometimes or a shock feeling in heart, brain fog, lightheaded, constant fatigue, sleep deprivation, dizziness, hot and cold flushes. I was prescribed escitalopram, at first having bad anxiety, that started slightly getting better but has been getting on and off bad again. Sorry for the long post. I just want to see if anyone else has had these symptoms or any advice. I’m sick of feeling this way, especially overseas where I have no support and have to pay outright for all doctors and hospital visits.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Can I start regularly posting here? Think it may help. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I'm 23, I don't want to but I'm worn out Im emotionally broken, lack real connection to anyone. Ive had a complex upbringing and suffered a lot. Been depressed for 4 yrs. Haven't been able to work or meet anyone or pursue anything. Live a hermits life of suffering even though that isn't me. I just wish this was all a dream. In a sense it is. I've learned about spirituality. I understand the truth with my mind but Im stuck in this state. The thought of my family being ripped apart by my death breaks my heart. I dont know why im ramlbing on. Im crying. This feels pathetic.
My mind is stuck in a broken state
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self.SuicideWatch
|
see ya'll on the other side. Here's the thing, I'm old as fuck and realized that I have tried life out and it isn't for me. The only thing I feel like I was born to do is completely unrealistic, the place I love is not feasible to live, and I haven't felt actual happiness since 2007. I see those around me with happy lives and it is lost on me, I feel awful for actually resenting those people but I do. It's better to go out now than to fade out. I have tried to be happy, be normal. I have some happy memories I tried to replay in my brain, but nothing works. I have no ties to this life, think it's time to bow out.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How do I lessen the pain for my family? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What's the point, Life is Worthless I'm a 29 year old completely isolated loner who can't escape his own mind. I haven't had friends in many years and never had a girlfriend. I spend all day everyday alone. I have decided what's the point in trying or caring anymore where has it ever got me but alone wasting away day after day. I'm done caring or trying at anything screw it life is pointless and worthless and the same BS over and over. What's the point anymore I will always be stuck alone in this hell wasting away
|
self.depression
|
Going out with my friends to a bar tonight. Very worried about people asking what I’ve been up to and generally being around others
|
self.depression
|
I left a NYE party 5 minutes after I entered due to my social anxiety My parents are recently divorced and my mom is now seeing a guy. I'm happy for her but it feels a bit weird to me. The party tonight was at his relatives' house.
I meet him and shake his hand and then I see a table of young ppl my age drinking, playing games. I only know one person from about 10 years ago but she is with her bf. I don't know how to enter this group of people.
Between meeting my mom's bf and being anxious to speak to people I don't know, I began to get dizzy and the room started to 'spin.'
I got very anxious and I left 5 min later, saying I didn't feel well as an excuse.
I feel like a loser. If I had a good friend with me, I would have been fine.
I am always like this when I go to social events with people I don't know.
|
self.Anxiety
|
How to get over fear of parties? So as you know Halloween is coming up and my boyfriend wants me to go to a party with him Saturday and I'm super nervous. I'd meet his friends for the first time bit parties freak me out and I'm scared!!! I hate not knowing what to expect. Please help!
|
self.Anxiety
|
Hit hard today Been doing very well recently.. woke up today and just feel like shit. Been thinking about what some girl said to my best friend in middle school “nobody really likes him” never got a conclusion to it either.. realized I still have no friends, no passion, no future. What’s the point.. people should have a choice if thy want to live. So sick. Some girl completely avoided me at work today like I was the devil.. I’m the quiet dude that doesn’t talk at all..
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self.depression
|
Do you have to go to therapy to receive meds Or can you just see a psychiatrist?
|
self.bipolar
|
I messed up. So, in a previous post, I was talking about how I was talking to this guy, and how I caught feelings for him. I did what at the time I thought was a good, mature idea and told him. Unfortunately, I was also running on manic confidence and anxiety, so I came off a bit too strong. I told him that I really liked him, and that if he was open to it, I'd love to sit down and really talk about us. He seemed into it at the time, but he had a friend over so we decided later on.
Today, before we were supposed to meet up, he texts me and tells me that he's not interested, and that he doesn't want me near him. The dude literally was holding my hand at night while we watched movies and was really affectionate, which is throwing me off so much. Now I'm caught somewhere between depression and seething anger towards myself for stepping out of my comfort zone. Granted, this is the first time I've been rejected, as it's the first time I've tried dating since early high school, but he made it personal. I could've hit back with the fact that he's an alcoholic, or that he's a hot mess, but instead I'm throwing it all at myself.
All I want to do is let it go, but guess who's back, back again? Intrusive thoughts, with some friends. Can anyone recommend a good coping mechanism for dealing with situations like these? I feel like whenever I get things back under control, I'm suddenly knee deep in the black, tarry swamp that is my depression. I really don't know how much more of this I can take before I jump in head first off the deep end. I know this all sounds pathetic and dramatic, but it's really throwing me through a loop.
|
self.bipolar
|
This disorder has turned me into a Fucking idiot I can't cook, can't read, can't think or go to school. I'm so fucked. I barley have the energy to write this. I haven't moved in 4 days. I used to be so smart, articulate and had potential. Now it's either bullshit myself or just die idk
|
self.depression
|
Poverty fucking sucks That's all. I hate having to let go of every semblence of pride I have just to get by. Tbh I don't have much to be proud of anyways.
|
self.depression
|
How do I make a life for myself a priority without taking away from living for my kids? I just had a flash of ending my life, it wasn't something I feared, not something I was/am ashamed of feeling. But I will not do it because I have 3 kids who need me, their dad will be here for them.
My wife and I are still together simply because we need each other financially. I have accepted this, I don't like it, it breaks my heart but that's for another post.
I have been realizing that I have been living only to provide for my family. I work and thats it, no friends thanks to anxiety and depression. I have not been living for myself. I am a husband and father and my family depends on me so I do what I need to for them. I have given up on being me because I foolishly believed that's what I needed to do. I put myself in last place thinking that's where I belonged. Looking back that has been the cause of so many problems, giving up on who I am.
So now I am trying to find a reason to live for myself. My children won't need me when they are grown so I need a reason to live, I need a life.
Is it ok to be selfish? Can I have a life? Why does it feel like I am failing my kids if I think of myself?
|
self.depression
|
I'm scared of being happy! I'm literally scared of putting a smile on my face, because something bad will happen no matter what. To be honest I find no surprise of something bad happening because I'm kinda a pessimistic person. It's like I have a huge amount of bad luck everytime I'm happy! Well you know what they say, some people aren't meant to be happy.
|
self.depression
|
Church I hate church. The music is always too loud and hate loud noises. People keep touching me like we are best friends and i hate being touched by strangers or people i do not know too well. I dont even believe in god and i just think we all just stop existing. So here is my stupid church rant.
|
self.depression
|
is it futile? Okay, here goes. I feel like I'm fading away due to loneliness and tend to get over attached to people who show interest in me. I’m the one who fears initiating conversation as I’m too worried I’m invading privacy. I’ve even lost a bunch of weight to try and boost my self-esteem and confidence, but it hasn’t worked. All my friends study abroad as well, so I don’t really have anyone to talk with. But recently I’ve met a girl online and she’s one of the coolest people I’ve ever talked to and I’m amazed by her in every way, but of course there’s just this one small problem of her living in a different hemisphere. I have the fear of loneliness weighing on my shoulders and she fills me with happiness every time she messages but I feel that we can’t just message forever and still have the same passion for each other. My job doesn’t pay much as it is only part time and I’m a university student without spare funds available for flights, so I can’t visit easily. Just looking for advice on what to do about my feelings for her because I feel that it’d be easy for her to just get tired of waiting and move on. Do I just accept that the passion will eventually fizzle out and just enjoy the friendship while it lasts? Any advice is appreciated :)
|
self.offmychest
|
How long until you noticed a difference on Latuda? It's been like 5 days and so far so good. No awful side effects yet. Nauseous if I don't eat enough with it. I was super sleepy the first couple days but I'm happy it hasn't been harsh yet. I'm on 40mg. Still anxious and a little depressed but that's pretty normal.
|
self.bipolar
|
I don't know what to say Throwaway because my cousin sometimes checks my main account.
There's nothing inherently wrong with my life. I get good grades without really trying, I have a lot of friends, I'm good at talking to girls, I have a steady job. But there's this crushing weight every fucking day that never goes away. And the fact that there's nothing wrong only makes it worse. When I hear stories about people who have gone through addiction or abuse, it almost makes me wish I had a similar experience, because then I'd have a fucking reason. But all I can do is walk around everyday, not really giving a shit about anything and just wanting to end it all. The only reason I haven't killed myself yet is out of fear of hell. I just don't know what to do. When I wake up earlier than anyone else or I get home late from work and no one is up, I cut myself. Cause at least then I fucking feel. I just don't know what to do or say. There's no fucking hope, all I really strive for at this point is to fucking die one way or another. I don't know what to do. There's nothing really wrong. I just hate everything about me. I don't eat, I cut, and at least part of those things is because I want to destroy myself, for lack of a better phrase. I hardly shower unless I know I'm going out. I stay in my bed more often then ever, only going out cause I know my parents would suspect something otherwise. I don't know what to do. I don't know what to say. I don't know where to go. I'm sorry for anyone who read this far, I don't know why I'm posting this, you don't deserve to have read this. I'm sorry.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
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