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I feel like no one wants me around, even when I get invited to events [deleted]
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self.depression
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Job anxiety -> severe depression I've been looking for a new job for about a year. Some interviews happened, but ultimately nothing concrete. Friday is my third year work anniversary, and I'm dreading every second of it. Most people in my role don't stay beyond two years; everyone I started with is long gone. This was my first job out of undergrad, and I was just so relieved and grateful when it first happened. I took advantage of the new city I was in, made plans, had robust hobbies, and was managing my depression and ADHD well. However, I've sunk back to the feeling of failure and lack of motivation as the year keeps going. It gets worse as I'm seeing the weeks and months fly by. I've been coming in late to work almost every day, and all I want to do now is just to lay down and watch TV. (I hardly even watched TV before this phase). My parents keep pressuring me into grad school or law school even though I've never had the desire to do so, and it's not helping.
I know this is a first world problem, but I'm now the oldest person in my role, and I can't help but feel embarrassed about it. Everyone else is fresh from undergrad. It's just hard to get up and keep going. It's hard to not to wake up every day and not think of myself as a washed up loser.
Does anyone have any tips for coping with these thoughts? On staying motivated? Even just to get out of bed?
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self.depression
|
Things are getting better Sure, my worries about net neutrality are still here, but i just got my first girlfriend, well we're going on dates at least. My friends also haven't abandoned. I don't want to make anyone feel bad, but know life could throw some good things your way!
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self.depression
|
A mystery I’ve been wanting to solve I have no idea why do I have such passion in hating myself. I’ve never despised anyone as much as I despise myself no matter how badly they’ve wronged me. I just wish my head would just stop doing this to myself.
I am so so so so tired of being a liability to the people around me. I wish I was strong enough not to need anyone socially. I am tired of relying on people, of talking to people about my problems. I am tired feeling like a burden to everyone around me but on the other hand, I usually think my problems through talking.
I don’t know, I’m just tired and I want everything to just stop.
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self.offmychest
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Saw an ad on reddit offering help, what was the name of it? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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It's always the ones I can't have I don't know why, really, but I tend to crush or fall in love with all the untouchables. The radio announcer, the hetero best friend, the gay cute boy, the married friend of a friend... the last two: the lovely teacher who treats ME like she has a crush (or not, maybe? I never have normal crushes, what do I know?) and I wish she had but also HAS A PARTNER... and the youtube host (but please don't think it's an obnoxious 20 something douche youtube "personality", this is a journalist). Can I have like, a nice crush that is not untouchable and not taken and likes me back, for a change? Thanks. Whatever gender. Any preferences as long as I am included in them.
...sigh.
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self.offmychest
|
Day one back at work After being in work 4 hours and 45 minutes i finally get my first break. My supervisor is actually making me more anxious than I actually am. She keeps asking if I'm alright and patting me on the back
I don't like being touched.
My coworkers keep asking if I'm alright, everyone else asks if I had a good holiday. Clearly they were told I was on holiday instead of being off sick.
I hate today. I'm tired and bored.
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self.Anxiety
|
opinions? i’m feeling so empty tonight. it’s 2.17AM, all i did yesterday was sleep. i woke up at 10, went back to sleep, woke up at 2, went back to sleep, woke up at 4 and went back to sleep. now i can’t fall asleep anymore.
anyway, i have school later at 7.30AM and i really don’t see it in me to sit through lectures and contribute my labour to making props for an event coming up.
is it selfish to skip school because i don’t have any motivation to go?
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self.depression
|
Does anyone else dread going to work in the morning? Not because you hate your job, but something in your mind is telling you that tomorrow is going to be terrible? I find myself in the same exact situation every time I find myself a new job. I dread going to work. Every. Single. Night.
No no. Not because the job itself is terrible... because I know when I wake up and go into work the ONLY time I will feel any type of relief is when I clock out.
I sit here at night and think of ways I can avoid going in. The depression kicks in and I get a deep pit in my stomach that won’t go away until I am free the following day.
I now know it’s not the job that’s the problem (I’ve had a few in the past few years) it’s me. Why does going to work make me so damn sad? Is this normal? Does anyone else feel this way or am I crazy?
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self.depression
|
I crave for physical touch. And not in a sexual kind of way. More like in a "I care for you and understand you, fellow human being" kind of way.
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self.depression
|
How do I cry for help? I’ve already told my mom, a friend, and a school colleague that I wish I’d get hit bus or not wake up, they all said why and I said cause it wouldn’t matter. They said I mattered to them and all that shit, but neither the friend or the colleague have opened themselves up to me or tried to do anything. My mom suggested therapy and that’s it. I really want to take my own life, not be on this planet anymore. If people have a right to keep their lives why can’t they have a right to take them? I would rather feel nothing than pain...
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self.SuicideWatch
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Got some noise canceling headphones for Xmas Now I can hear my family fight 95% quieter!. Jokes aside, this Christmas has really taken it’s toll on me. I cannot fucking stand being around my jackass dad and brother, not to mention one of my grandmothers is a kleptomaniac and is constantly stealing our valuables every time she comes over, and my other grandmother chose not to be involved with my life for the past 15 years and only comes over for free food and gifts. My aunts, uncles and cousins either don’t even know I fucking exist, or don’t care at all if they’re aware I’m alive. I hate having to pretend to be happy and successful when all I want to do is stay in my room, listen to music all day and cry myself to sleep.
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self.depression
|
Good anxiety about getting a dog Hey guys,
This sub has helped so much with my anxiety and I wanted to share good anxiety with you. In 3 hours I will be going to meet a dog that needs a foster home. My heart is on edge. I've been missing a piece of my heart with out a dog. I know it's temporary but my mind is racing. Will he like me? Will he destroy everything? Will I fall madly in love? ( Yes. The answer to that is yes) how much will my heart rip out when he's adopted? So many questions and no answers and I'm so anxious yet soooo excited to go down this road. For once I'm not viewing this anxiety as such a bad thing. Thoughts? Suggestions?
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self.Anxiety
|
Can't sleep. Can't wake up. First time writing here or anywhere about my problems and as a realist I assume this will be lost in annuals of reddit. I will write this in a rant style or free flow because my mind currently is complete mess. Filled with absurdity and contradictions. I've lost common sense many years ago.
Either way, for the last 5 years (ever since I started studying in university) I can't fall asleep. Every-time I try all the dark thoughts come up and makes me restless, anxious, paranoid, afraid. Yesterday, as per usual, I tried sleeping at 1 AM and couldn't until 7 in the morning and after that I couldn't find strength to wake up. Dreams and nightmares is a refuge from the reality and the loneliness that I feel every minute. This is happening for many years already. I've tried to fix it hundred times but always fuck it up.
I've considered going to doctors or therapists, but I fear them and fear for them. I don't believe that any words can help me and even actions. I am stuck in a negative self-hate and self-disgust loop. Even writing here on r/depression makes me feel bad and that I don't deserve it. It disgusts me that I am attempting to explain my own self damaged mind. I feel like I've manifested into some absurd monster inside and no one can tell from the outside. My parents are surprised every time I express pain or suffering. I've had an anxiety attack and depersonalization moment public with my colleagues, everyone was shocked but not me. I've had them many times and I am ashamed of them. I am ashamed of myself and can't find any good quality in me. I feel like an impostor of a human being. I try, try very hard to be a good and nice person. I spend all my energy to do it. I help friends and strangers but the opportunities are rare. I sacrifice what I can for others because I am not worthy of things. Whenever I am alone I feel intense loneliness and feeling of not really existing. I hate everything I do and am. For the most of my life I've been dodging mirrors because the sight of myself terrifies me. I can't identify with the one in the mirror. I can't validate my existence and I seek validation from others. But I can't understand them, I can't understand my friends and what they think of me. They all know just some fragments of what I actually am. I am 25 but I've never had close or intimate relationships. Never felt loved besides the family love that I can't think of anything but fake. I've never kissed or had sex but I've loved more few girls but it never worked out. In the end, now reminiscing about it - I just wanted to escape from myself, sacrifice the monstrosity I've become and let them shape me into someone worthy of her. But in the end, not believing myself, not having any confidence or trust in my own actions breaks everything.
And what makes me hate myself even more is that - there are people suffering even more. Countless people. My suffering is a meaningless ripple in the sea.
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self.depression
|
Science of bipolar It's whacky to imagine how much things will change in 10, 50, 100 and even 500 years from now. People will think of bipolar so differently, if they even think of that word at all. Not long ago we were believed to have evil spirits invading our brains. People drilled holes in our skulls and poured alcohol into them (true story).
Advances in sciences will radically change the way we think of ourselves and people will look back at the year 2020 and be amazed at how little we understood and how wrong we were.
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self.bipolar
|
I'm scared of suicide, ( I don't want to commit suicide.) I have a fear of death and knives. I have intrusive thoughts, but I'm not suicidal. Your thoughts?
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self.SuicideWatch
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My big anxiety induced mouth I’m about to have surgery and my boss says HR needs a doctors note if I’ll be gone more than 3 days. She tells me this today, the eve of my surgery. I totally become reactive and act like an asshole!! I think I’m a little extra due to stress. I’m so embarrassed.... I apologized but FML! Why can’t I just act like a normal human being!! It’s not by any means an unreasonable request!
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self.Anxiety
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I don’t think I will survive because my family and friends have been jaded by me expressing my pain for so long I have told people I want to die. That I am in horrible pain. I also tell them I don’t think I am going to kill myself. Because I don’t think anywhere in the nearest future I will. But I am scared I won’t make it through 2018. I don’t want to tell them that, because if I do, and I don’t, they will think I’m crying wolf, and I can’t yell out for help later when I am more scared I might kill myself because they won’t believe me.
No one is watching over me right now, and I have been telling friends that I am in unbearable pain. I think its because they are used to it. But I never get used to the pain.
I don’t think I am going to kill myself. But without anyone checking in on me and showing me that they care i don’t know how long I can go on.
I really want to though, but because I still have some control left and I know how much it would devastate my family, I'm still here.
Sorry if this doesn’t make sense.
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self.bipolar
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I overthink all my bad choices I’ve made throughout my life and then I evaluate my life in this moment and get worried that I’m making more bad choices in the present
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self.Anxiety
|
I am broken and every time I pick up a piece from the ground, another falls from my arms. My name is [insert dude name here] and I am a 25-year-old who has found himself struggling with depression. To be completely honest with you, I have no one to talk to about my problems. I’ve been using Tumblr to vent, but it hasn’t been quite as effective as I had originally hoped; who knew you needed to have followers to receive feedback on your posts?! So, here I am, approaching redditors with my emotional problems, hoping for a magical cure (I’m kidding about that part...I suppose.)
*Disclaimer: Reading through /r/depression makes my problems seem quite petty.*
**Story Time**
I moved to a large (and awesome) city last December. I’m a bit of an introvert, so making friends has proven to be quite difficult (read “impossible.”) I was single at the time, so naturally I turned to dating apps to find a nice girl, which worked out quite wonderfully--after about 100 women, in May I met someone who I seriously connected with; we loved the same movies, TV shows, books, and our lifestyles were so similar that it constantly gave me butterflies.
One problem, though. She had never dated anyone before. She’d only had flings and friends with benefits. So, this was going to be her first time. She’s my age, mind you. But that’s OK, because I seriously enjoyed everything about her and would have jumped through any hurdles necessary to make things happen.
We dated. She was happy with me. She told me that she felt safe with me and that she felt different. She wasn’t a cuddler and hated pet names, but for some reason all of that went out the window when she was around me. Seriously, it was great....not the pet names, per se, but the feeling that you are truly cared for. Who doesn’t want that?
At the end of July she drove back to her hometown for a party. She returned the next day, and I could tell by her texting that something was up. I didn’t push the subject, but she opened up to me a couple of days later and told me that she had met one of her ex’s (they dated for like two weeks) friends at the party and she went into a panic mode. Apparently she still had feelings for her ex--who was also an asshole to her, by the way.
I asked her if her and I were OK. I get it. I’ve been in the same situation before...trying to shake leftover feelings for someone in your past. She told me that we were OK as long as I was OK knowing that. And, of course, I was OK.
A few days later I went to her house to visit her and we hung out. I brought her some snacks because I knew how much she loved her mangos and peanut butter. I got the usual line “You’re so good to me.” After we were finished hanging out, she walked me outside, I hugged her and kissed her and she asked me if we could hang out again Friday (this was like a Tuesday or Wednesday the first week of August) and OF COURSE I said yes, because who wouldn’t want to hang out?!
That’s the last time I saw her. She texted me two days later telling me that it was all too much for her to handle and that she needed to be single.
It’s December and there’s not a day goes by that I don’t think of her. I miss her so much it hurts and it’s the smallest things that remind me of her. I can’t listen to certain songs and musicals are out of the question (which is one of the easier things to avoid, because I really dislike musicals).
Shortly after we broke up, a girl I had friendzoned during that time of dating, approached me and asked me out on a date, to which I accepted. She and I are dating now and I’m trying to find the words to tell her that I can’t continue with this relationship because my heart is still in my past. This girl is sweet and deserves love that I cannot give her.
**The Reality**
I fell in love. I’ve been with many women and I have never felt the connection or the love for anyone that I felt/feel for this woman. Perhaps that’s what makes it so difficult. I live in a fantastic apartment, I drive a nice car, and have an awesome job. And none of that matters to me. I don’t want material things. I want her back and there’s a hope deep inside me that one day I will be with her again; it’s what I hold onto.
This story could last chapters, but no one wants to read that. I just really needed to vent, because I’m finding myself increasingly darker without her.
*”If I knew the last time that I held you was the last time, I'd have held you and never let go”*
**TL;DR: I fell in love with a girl who did not reciprocate those feelings, so now I’m a broken guy carrying a heavy load of baggage.**
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self.depression
|
Feeling so much better from the last time I've posted here 4 months ago, I felt so down. I felt as if someone put gravity on the highest level and I was bringing pulled into that ground. Constant thoughts of suicide followed me everywhere. Work, school, when I was alone at night. I knew how bad it was getting and how badly I wanted it...instead I got help. The reason being was seeing everyone's reaction after being sent to the mental health hospital. There was so much good vibes around me it inspired me. Also everyone at the hospital especially inspired me...there are people out that who are good and who only want to help.
When I got out, I started seeing a therapist and taking medication. I also started doing things for myself more. Not going out as much, binge watching good shows, reading, learning new recipes. Your own company is the best and it's been the best for the last four months.
Also I quit drinking and I've never regretted that decision.
It gets better friends, hold in there :)
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self.SuicideWatch
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My girlfriend is coming over to my house and my anxiety just kicked in. What do I do? Of course my parents are gonna be there but my girlfriend and I are also gonna have privacy. I’m nervous and I have no idea why. How do I calm down?
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self.Anxiety
|
Minecraft Life Videos Those fucking videos on YouTube of "Minecraft Life", why do I hate it so much?
There's all these fucking videos with like wolves getting shot in the fucking stomach and people think it's sad. Yeah, no. It's a minecraft video I don't think it's worth anything.
I see them everywhere, and once one person starts doing it everyone else is gonna start doing it.
"Squid Life". Who the fuck cares about how a squid lives, can you just leave him alone?
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self.offmychest
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Living takes too much effort to maintain, dying takes too much effort to do. Title.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Do you ever feel so lonely your chest physically hurts?
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self.SuicideWatch
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i feel a lump on the upper back of my neck i think it's a lymph node... I guess I can save money on a gun for suicide, cause I might be dying of a terminal illness. Life is a constant kick in the dick for me isn't it?
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self.depression
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Even trying to work is difficult I can’t focus on my job without my mind feeling like this isn’t worth it and that it’s pointless and that I’m pointless. I hate this so much. It just makes getting through the day that much harder
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self.depression
|
Feel like a failure Do any of you ever wish if things were different. If people could see you in a different light. If you could be a better version of yourselves that you wish to be.
What if you find out that this is what you'll always be for the rest of your life. What if whatever you could be, can not be any more. What if you came to know that time has actually passed you by and no matter how much you try, you will never have what you wish.
This is how I feel every minute of every day. There is this weight on chest that doesn't go away. I want to be with the one I love but time has moved on and I am but a husk of what I was. In the end what really tears you down is knowing how insignificant you existance is to people you love once they choose to move on.
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self.depression
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What have you found to be the most effective friend simulator? i.e. movies/tv shows/websites/podcasts that make you feel less alone and more connected with the human race.
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self.depression
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I hate my job, I hate my classes, I hate my university plans, I hate myself. Nothing in my life is enjoyable, I'm only ever happy when I'm with my friends but they're all almost off to university, or are hard at work studying and I can't keep bothering them. I can't even be content with my job because I find it so mundane and barely make enough money to actually use. I hate how all of HighSchool is fucked around and now that I have to apply to university, I have no plans and the one plan I had, I have to cancel because the class is too hard.
I hate how I don't like anything about myself, I hate how I can't admit I have a problem, I hate how I'm too scared of pain to kill myself, I hate how I try so hard to distract myself that when I'm alone I realize how much my life lacks and sense of direction and meaning.
I hate how cringe this sounds, I bet every teenager does this and I'm not even unique in that aspect.
I'm sorry.
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self.depression
|
I feel like talking - anyone there? I don't have anyone that I can have a good deep talk with right now; there's no-one I feel like sharing with, as I don't trust people. So I guess it is insane to talk blindly into the internet to a group of strangers. But hey, why not throw something out there?
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self.depression
|
I'm just pissed I have a lot of anxiety and I keep ignoring it and fighting it every single day... I keep getting bad news and mess up all the time even though I try my very best to succeed and to make people proud of me. This I have been trying to do for last 6 years and yet again I get beaten down with bad news and a ton of anxiety. And I am f****ing pissed and done with this s***
I just wanna give up and say I don't give a Crap and just leave. But I have to much responsibility and anxiety to actually do anything. Sometimes I wish I could get rid off the anxiety and it would be so much easier to deal with all the bad news and issues that i need to work on. I'm pissed that my anxiety take to much from me and leave me with this heaviness. Idk anyone else that feel the same way?
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self.Anxiety
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Selling my body to pay my debts I am 21. My birthday was monday. And I want to kill myself. I hate it here.
I have been thinking of killing myself for years. I had one attempt 4 years ago where I just kept taking pills from the medicine cabinet over and over for a week straight. I got super sick but didnt die. My family thought I was pregnant because i missed my period but it was just cause my liver was basically broken from all the pills. Nothing happened so I gave up and began self harm. I have recenltly traded self harm for not eating because my family and boyfriend kept asking about my scars.I have been feeling the most suicidal I have ever felt in my entire life. I decided to get help (which was really hard to decide to do) I have to wait 4 months to see a psychiatrist and I know I won't make it that long. So I made a plan. And fuck all I feel is sadness and numbness.
I have been selling my body to random people online to pay off my debts. I owe so much money and I don't want my family or boyfriend to have to deal with it when I'm gone especially because my family isnt rich. I don't feel like my body belongs to me I am so disassociated with my world that everything seems like a dream or nightmare. Like it's not actual real or happening.
I have been selling my body to random men online to pay my debts because it is the quickest way to make money.
The sessions I have I barley remember them they seem like far away dreams. Once I pay off all my debts and write my letters I am going to kill myself. Im just so tired.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Mania Story and Mania Guilt Tldr: lost my job, house and fiancee to depression and then mania at 29
Found out last August that I have bipolar when my actions resulted in legal consequences and a two week hospital stay a 6 hour drive from my hometown.
I experienced my first major depression episode last winter from November to April. The depression forced me to go on medical leave from my job and to move out of my first house since my fiancee wasn't working. My doctor and I believed that I was experiencing depression and the lack of focus was attributable to adhd. As a result I was prescribed cipralex and vyvanse. Which started to trigger my first severe manic episode which lasted from May to October.
I had incredible energy and felt so alive. I was so happy to be out of my depression and nothing else mattered. I was sleeping maybe 4 hours a night. I started smoking weed and cigarettes again heavily after quitting both in October. I was calling up friends all the time including at 7am and made several new friends online to fill the gaps when other friends weren't available. I would drive 180km/h on the highway and felt like it was too slow (my car had a legal limiter on it that prevented it going any faster).
During this time I moved into my fiancee's parents house while my house was on the market. I tried to be helpful around the house but ended up bothering her family more than helping. In addition I was highly disrespectful and smoked in the room we were given albeit with the window open and a fan exhausting.
Anyways one day my fiancee approached me feeling disgruntled about my behaviour. I took this as a sign that she didn't unconditionally love me anymore and decided to pack up my stuff immediately. While packing i let loose on her and her sister regarding how inconsiderate, spoiled and oblivious they were (my fiancee was a fine artists and her sister rode horses for "occupations").
A few days later I returned to the house to get some of my stuff, including my passport because I was going to visit my new online friend from the states about 2000km away. When I found nobody was home I proceeded to break into the house, trash a number a things and steal some valuables. Then I took a dump on the porch. I've never done anything remotely criminal before this in my life.
I ran. I drove north but my car broke down after an hour. Booked into a hotel, hit on every female insight, got scanned by some internet "hookup' site before getting arrested that evening when the cops knocked on my hotel door. Spent the night screaming and cursing in a solitary holding cell. Was released the next day under house arrest.
Ran two days later and again booked it north and west, headed for the west coast. After spending thousands of dollars on cab fares and electronics (which I gave away to a crack head when I decided I would be hopping trains out west), I ended up getting caught after an altercation with a cab driver in a city 6 hours from home.
My mom and brother had to come to bail me out after attending two nights in jail. This was followed by two weeks in a psychiatric ward. Then finally I was returned home under house arrest. About 30 grand poorer than before this ordeal started.
Depression set in around October and i have been living in my parents basement ever since. Finally had the house attest conditions lifted this January along with my charges being dropped.
Still trying to find the a good medication combo as at least 50% of my days are spent in bed. Switching from lithium to lamotrigine and am finding some improvements.
I still feel the worst part is losing my partner. She was there for me during my depression when i could hardly do anything for myself and she tried to make me realize my manic behaviour and i lashed out at her. I miss her greatly and the times we shared were the best years of my life but now I'm not even legally allowed to talk to her for another year and I doubt she'd want yo anyways.
Anyways not sure where I'm going with this, just wanted to share my story for anyone who's gone completely out of control and feels alone and that nobody can relate. It's a strange thing to be paying the dues for a person you can't even recognize as yourself.
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self.bipolar
|
I missed out on the high school experience I'm now finishing up my senior year of high school. I just heard some kids from my school going around telling stories of things they've done - times they drank too much, or had sex in weird places, etc. - and it made me realize I've just done absolutely nothing for the past 4 years. Adults always reminisce about the wild shit they did in high school but I really cannot relate to any of it. I have zero friends, don't go anywhere, don't do anything, and all I have to show for it is thousands of hours logged in video games I'm still not good at. I've never been to a party. Every Friday and Saturday night I sit alone at my desk and game until I can't stay awake so I don't have to think about how lonely I am. Most of those kids still get better grades than I do and they are all much more athletic than me.
I don't want to have this kind of regret after what was supposed to be one of the best parts of my life. There is just no joy to be found anywhere and I don't know how to change it. I can't imagine it getting any worse without me killing myself. I just want to take it all back and do it again right.
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self.depression
|
I hit a cars side mirror, panicked and left. Now I'm freaking out [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Come back dad Another Christmas without you, I try to pretend like it doesn’t hurt but I really fucking miss u, almost 8 years since you moved to Texas, come back, I need you and I love you.
Merry Christmas everyone
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self.depression
|
Im a little teapot (M 27) So I decided to make tea for the first time in a long time. I have been a pretty regular coffee drinker but I have been looking for other options recently.
Now, I have been singing "I'm a little teapot" loud and enthusiastically all day. I am a 27 year old male.
...here is my handle, here is my spout...
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self.offmychest
|
What helped me out of the hole. I was suicidally depressed, and was having anxiety attacks all day. My gf broke up with me, I felt under pressure from school. I didnt like my job or coworkers. After a while I was like fuck depression, I'm not gonna sit here and let it fucking beat me down. I'm stronger than it! I'm not gonna let it ruin my life. I was thought to myself I'm not gonna end it. I thought to myself all things I used to like. I thought to myself I fucking love living and my life is badass. I stopped looking at the negative. Everytime a negetive thought comes I replace it with a postive one. I got help from my doctor. Theres no reason to go through it alone. Everyday I play drums and guitar and I fucking feel amazing. I don't let a day go by where I don't work on something. When I have a unproductive day I get sad. I'm always striving to learn. I try to hang out with friends multiple times a week because when I don't I get sad again. I haven't thought about killing myself in months now and I feel great.
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self.depression
|
Bipolar I with ADHD medications I know there's been some recent threads about Bipolar with co-morbid ADHD. I hope this isn't too much of a repost.
I was treated for what I thought was solely ADHD for roughly 10 years by the same doctor before I went back to school and the lack of sleep combined with Adderall triggered my first very serious manic episode. I always wondered why other people had a different relationship with Adderall and it finally made sense.
After almost a year of trying to stabilize, thanks to the services offered by the university, I found the correct Bipolar medications (Lamictal primarily). For obvious reasons we treated the Bipolar exclusively to rule out any similar symptoms. After, the ADHD was still very present and affecting school more than before because of the lack of medication. Unfortunately the university can not prescribe any potentially addictive medications, but the nurse practitioner and my therapist agreed I most likely needed medications for the ADHD.
I've gone back to my original psychiatrist although he misdiagnosed me for years. Coming back with diagnoses (which he seemed almost offended by), he eventually agreed about Bipolar but refuses to prescribe the adderall i was on, because of the potential for mania.
Anybody have any advice about the conversation that took place with your doctors about both disorders and treatment? Any doctors that are similar to mine that refuse to use stimulant treatment? Alternatives to stims? Doctors who have prescribed stims (Vyvanse, Adderall)? Thanks guys!
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self.bipolar
|
I wish I could stop dreaming about her... Long story short...went through some tough online breakup a few months ago, the whole distant relationship lasted for around 2 years with a lot of hopes and dreams... until I just couldn't take it anymore.
It's been extremely difficult for me to cope with all this, and on top of that I am having constant dreams about her which make me wake up in tears...I am feeling alone and pathetic...I've been writing in a notepad, trying to vent somehow since I've got noone...sigh...
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self.depression
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Update: I'm 23 and dying and not sure how to cope with it [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Too scared/unable to get help I know there's a lot wrong with me but I always hesitated in getting real help because 1. It will hinder my work (which is stupid because in the long term if I get worse, I wouldn't be able to work anyway) 2. It is very costly and lastly 3. Where I live, having problems with mental health is looked down upon and you tend to get shunned by family and friends...
A little backstory for anyone who would come across this and chooses to read on...firstly forgive me for my english, it's not the best. I grew up always being very socially awkward and I was bullied non stop and beaten up for looking masculine and not like a typical girl. This continued on until I started going to a private school where I enjoyed being one of the 'popular' kids for once. In between the time period of leaving my old school and going to the private school, I was treated for depression and prescribed medication which I never took (I can't remember if I refused them or my mother never gave them to me). However I thought of myself as 'cured' because I started losing weight and growing out my hair to look at least somewhat decent compared to before. I would binge and then purge but never realized this was a problem, in my head it was an effective way to lose weight and nobody at home questioned me either since I would just say I felt sick after eating too much then go to the bathroom to vomit out everything I just ate.
In the new school I was introduced to an older man through one of my friends and we ended up being in a serious relationship for several years. 2 years in I discovered that he was cheating and that was when I fell back into depression, having constant thoughts of suicide and paranoia. We still stayed together on and off for a few more years until I made the decision that enough was enough and I ended the relationship after not being able to trust him anymore.
Shortly after, I met another man who was perfect in my eyes - he was completely open about everything and I truly felt loved while I was with him. We were together for about a year, ending the relationship based on some stupid argument which had nothing to do with cheating. This time however I was not in any sort of emotional turmoil and moved on fairly easily.
Throughout the time I was with my 2nd partner, my first ex still kept tabs on me and told me he had never and would never date anyone else. In a moment of weakness and loneliness, I contacted him one day thinking maybe we could give it another shot. We were together for another 2 years until the same problems arised, him cheating, me being depressed and suicidal and eventually wanting out.
The next few years I stayed locked up at home not even meeting family and friends...just in a constant state of absolute misery, feeling the worst I'd ever felt to that point, no longer finding joy in anything. Somehow or another perhaps after realizing I couldn't continue being a burden to my poor parents anymore, I forced myself out of it and got a job where I could work at home and earn a living, not substantial but enough to support myself and not burden my parents who had both stopped working.
I still feel severely depressed and closing in on 30 years old with just a handful of friends (all of whom are either married or available to hang out with but my social anxiety prevents me from any real life interactions) and a job that just earns me about enough to survive. I rarely leave the house unless it's to buy groceries. Appearance wise, it's never consistent as I could go weeks binging on fast food and becoming overweight to starving myself and doing water fasts to go back to my original weight. My last facebook login triggered another suicidal attempt after I found out that both my exes have gotten married in the years I was doing absolutely nothing with my life, laying in bed staring hopelessly at the ceiling thinking of killing myself but not wanting to upset my parents who ultimately would be the ones to discover my dead body.
I feel embarrassed to have even typed this all out as I realize I could have just gotten it together but the thought of ending my life is constantly there...I never feel good enough or worthy to continue living... I want out but at the same time I'm too cowardly to do so. The few friends I have are aware that I have social problems but they don't know the extent of my depression and I have never once confided in them about it.
My family does not believe in depression, they are extremely religious and believe that any form of mental health issue can be 'cured' through prayer which is why the only person I've confided in is my mother who I don't want to bother much as she herself has burdens of her own so I tend to just act as if everything is normal even if the night before I was in my room slicing my wrists or leaving the house at 3am looking for a high enough building I could jump off from. I have scars on my arms that are partly from cat scratches so it's easy to make excuses for all the other scars that are there from cutting myself.
I grew up never being close to any of my siblings...somehow I always felt unwelcome to them and none of them has ever attempted to bond with me in any way. Being as socially awkward as I am I guess I can't blame them but there was one particular incident in which my older brother told me something that hurt me to my core and that I will never forget. Around the time I had left my old school and was severely depressed and acting out, stealing and spending money to gain friends but instead being bullied even more, my brother for whatever reason came up to me one day in the living room and said that I should end my life because nobody would miss me. It was one thing to be a punching bag in school but to have your own sibling tell you that you are completely worthless...it was just a really awful feeling.
I can't fault any of them though as ultimately I'm the one with all the mental health issues and I have yet to overcome my severe social anxiety. Now I'm at the point where I'm expected to marry and have children but instead I'm stuck at home trying to survive each day trying to suppress thoughts of killing myself. I don't even know how I would go on even if i did overcome all my issues as I now harbour thoughts of hating the idea of being intimate with either men or women and I don't ever want to have children.
If there's any way I could get help without incurring a ton of debt, I would be very grateful. I do want help. I don't want to spend my days crying in bed and thinking of how useless I am and plotting ways to kill myself. I want to be a useful member of society. I want my parents to be proud of me instead of being ashamed of having a child who's known to be a loner and doesn't ever leave the house. A complete loser.
Getting treated here is very costly and I want to know if there's any alternatives, maybe meditation, anything aside from prayer as I did that and just ended up becoming an atheist as it did nothing but worsen my suicidal thoughts. If you have any suggestions please let me know, and thank you for reading.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I lost control over my thoughts last night Last night I got really suicidal for the first time. In my mind I really wanted to die and it seemed like a valid and real option. Normally I would have a voice in my head that tells me that it's someone else that is thinking this. But this time the voice wasn't there. I got really scared and I am still a bit spooked. I feel like this is getting worse. I already have help, but I'm on the waiting list for now. Any thoughts?
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self.depression
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Conversations with shallow, unoriginal people I have to go through every single day [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I am in such poor health and I've given up and just want to end it [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Cops So I gave my future ex wife my final letter. I came home to get by things in order. Cops showed up. I gave them this bullshit excuse and pretended everything was fine. I changed my mind. I just left home. I'm still killing myself tonight. I had to say whatever I.had to say to get them away from me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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A journal entry I wrote a few weeks ago about my depression and anxiety. Figured I would share. Hope someone can relate. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Just want to OD I've never done drugs. I just.. I'm a ball of numbness surrounding a ball of sadness surrounding a ball of ahame, etc. It's all bad feelings all the way down. I'm hoping I can get my hands on some H, and then OD so I die. I've been craving doing drugs for a few months. Just so I can feel something. I'm tired of being abandoned and unlovable. I'm a monster and I deserve to die. Why not go out feeling something? I'm sure even if I had a bad trip (until I died) it'd be better than the crushing numbness.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Meds. Therapy. Fucking 7 rounds of ECT. Nothing works. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Seroquel (quetiapine)? I just started quetiapine last week (100 mg/d, 1 hour before bed). My overall energy has improved, I'm sleeping a natural amount (down from about twelve a night), and I have the motivation to pursue and finish tasks.
However. The previous three nights I've experienced what feels like hypomania for the two hours leading up to my nightly dose. Is this normal? I'm going to talk to the shrink tomorrow, but I'm worried.
Also, happy to provide more info on symptoms/background should it be relevant.
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self.bipolar
|
i have a weird wallpaper on my iphone i have a picture of kin jung un clapping as my wallpaper i dont know why i have it and every time i try to change it im like eh
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self.offmychest
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Mental Health Most people worry about Thanksgiving dinner because their crazy uncle might say something politically incorrect. Everybody's family is crazy, I know. Except mine is a little different.
My brother is living with my parents and battling what we think might be paranoid schizophrenia. You see, we dont know for sure because he refuses medication, treatment, and is instead working on a master's in, ironically, psychology, which adds considerable stress and only exacerbates the problem.
Today he has:
1. Accused the Pope of being the devil based on a secret message he received through a website.
2. Accused my parents of being involved in a vast conspiracy aligned against him.
3. Claimed my grandfather was a collaborator with "Dr. Miller" and none of us know who that is.
4. Recounted his story about seeing an alien coming out of a portal in the horses in our backyard.
5. Shouted at our cousin for raising her son in a brutal manner because she recounted a story she saw in a documentary.
I don't know what to do. I don't know how to help him. I don't know how to help my parents.
I just don't know...
Thanks for reading. Needed a moment to scream into the void.
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self.offmychest
|
Horrible incestuous abuse from my childhood has me wanting to die. Can you help me? When I was younger I did something bad. When I was 13-14 I had a cousin who would do things like sit on my lap a lot, in a seemingly sexual way. She would sit directly in the center of my lap, not lounging but sitting there just to sit on that spot. She would also grab my face and stick it into her butt and tell me to sniff.
One night I acted on everything and pent up urges and I placed her hand on my genitals. I stopped, and I never did this again.
About a year later while trying to sleep she was attempting to get inside of my pants, aggressively. I held my pants back but she kept going. She knew I was awake, but she persisted anyway. I stopped her and we just tried to act normal and went to sleep. One night I remember catching her staring into my pants while I slept, and her diary at one point read that "she touched me".
She told on me later, she never admitted to doing anything. Our families didn't sit us down and talk about it, they didn't even prod for details. They just separated us.
A year later we were visiting again like normal, like it had never happened. This continued for 5 or so years.
Nowadays we can talk normally and there doesn't seem to be any hostility.
* Do you think I'm an absolute monster?
* Should I ever be able to live happily?
* How bad was this? Or does it sound like childhood exploration
I don't know how to live anymore, I'm losing my will to fight.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I've tried asking nicely I'm going through a lot of gender issues that started roughly 2 years ago (I'm 19 now). My friends know about this, but when I asked for them to stop calling me the name they do and use a more ambiguous 'Em' (or M, it depends), they told me it's "too difficult" so they'll keep calling me an overly long nickname because of another friend with the same deadname. I didn't think I'd have to go beyond asking because they're supposed to be my friends, and now that it's past that point I don't think they deserve to know how much such a small change meant to me. I don't know what I'm supposed to do when the only people I hung out with refused to do such a small thing for me
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self.offmychest
|
is suicide justified If you are evil, ugly, insane, untalented, pompous, immature, a privileged whiner who doesn't want to change their ways and it's impossible for you to love other people? Hitler should've done it earlier, right?
I think I'm "that person". The kind you meet and know immediately to steer clear of. I have nothing to offer anyone anyway.
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self.SuicideWatch
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In reality,Japan would be a rather nice place to die in,wouldn't it? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Reading about other people's relationship problems makes me appreciate my relationship more I read a lot of relationship and advice stuff on Reddit and come across a lot of people talking about their abusive relationships or otherwise shitty relationships. I'm not enjoying their pain, in fact, I feel really awful for them and worry for them.
But at the same time, reading those has made me realise what a great relationship I'm in with a wonderful guy. He's not in any way abusive or controlling. We've never had an argument where he's raised his voice at me. He encourages me to hang out with my friends (male and female) and also lets me hang out with him and his friends. He encourages me to be social and be independent but is there for me and willing to listen when I need him.
He also doesn't care about gender roles and is happy cooking and doing stuff around the house. He doesn't care about how little effort I put in to how I dress or how I don't wear any make up.
At the moment, we don't live in the same country and have vastly different timezones, which means our communication is limited. Yet I feel completely secure and loved in our relationship.
I feel really lucky to be with someone like him. I hope others, especially those who are going through a lot of problems now, will be able to be in loving and healthy relationship some day too.
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self.offmychest
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Why is swiflie full of assholes? I swear you post any questions on there for advice and 75% of answers come from trolling assholes. Almost nobody is helpful on that app.
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self.offmychest
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I don't know why I post here All my posts just get lost and downvoted. I guess I can't even rant about being depressed right.
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self.depression
|
I want to try therapy, but I need some advice. When I was in middle and high school, my school asked my parents to take me to therapy because I had some pretty severe social problems. I had a really hard time talking to them at all, let alone opening up about my problems (see: pretty severe social problems) so most of my sessions were spent sitting around in silence or playing cards or doing jigsaw puzzles.
Now that I'm an adult and I've gotten past some of the social issues I had, I think that therapy could really help me. I'm really nervous though that I'll get there and I just won't be able to talk. I had a horrific experience about two years ago when I tried to see a therapist and pretty much immediately burst into tears and couldn't even get a few words out. She wasn't a very good therapist and made me feel really stupid about it. I never went back
Do any of you have any advice for getting past this fear? Do you think that this is something they're used to dealing with? I'm sure they get lots of patients that are hard to crack but the fact that I'm signing myself up and going voluntarily almost makes it harder. If I can't talk I'm just wasting their time and I'll feel like an idiot because I was the one who wanted to go in the first place. I hope I'm making sense and not just rambling.
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self.depression
|
I just ruined my husband's birthday. So my husband turned 28 today. It's his first birthday since we got married, his first birthday in years when all our friends can hang out, he has the day off, we have our own place, and generally everything is good. Only problem is that this morning I woke up with my mania coming to a screeching halt. My mania isn't easy to deal with, but at least it means I have energy and I can interact with people. Right now I can barely interact with my toothbrush.
I was diagnosed last week with bipolar II and I've only been on medication (Lamotragine and Topiramate) for a little over a week. They haven't really taken effect yet. I was afraid this would happen, but I saw it coming. All our friends are coming over, some are already here. I just wanna stay in our room and hide. I think I have to so I don't make things worse. I already warned him and now he's worried about me. This isn't how today should go, but it is because of me and something I can't control. I'd smoke a bunch of weed like usual, but it's noon.
To top it off, my sex drive is now dead. I can't even give him that. We haven't had sex in a few days in anticipation, so he's in for some disappointment tonight. Not to mention it's completely emasculating for me to admit my sex drive is gone until I'm manic again or until the medication works (assuming that doesn't kill it further).
So, that's today. Tell me funny stuff so I feel better, it's the only thing that has ever helped me.
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self.bipolar
|
Breakout last night, too much stress at work My employer is currently going through something like an identity crisis. We got acquired by our competitor and both companies do stuff differently, totally like in opposite directions.
Now, the mother company is taking control. It's very hard especially that the middle management is still not adopting the culture.
I feel so stressed because I don't know the direction 90% of the time.
I hate also my situation where I am already 5 years in service here but got no promotion and a decent raise. My medical expenses are now eating my savings.
I talked to my boss because he called me out. I thought it was it but instead he's sending me out of the country for another project. I'm disappointed and frustrated and for the first time in a very long time, I cried so hard last night because I don't know what to do or what's my gameplan.
I requested HR to transfer me to another group in the company. But after the interviews from this group which I thought got positive response, I haven't heard from here.
Last night I tried to call her (the HR) she said that she still has to talk to the General Manager about my application. I'm loosing hope. As much as possible I still want to work here because I love my job but the pay is awful. My boss says there's no budget for pay raise and promotions but he already hired 3 new members and senior engineers. It was like a slap on my face (I believe my other team mates feel the same, but we're not talking about it openly)
I want to lash out, but I know better, it won't look good. I just want revenge because I'm treated unfairly here. I cried because there's nothing I could do. For the first time in 2 years I took Clonazepam again to put myself to self because I can't escape emotional pain and I'm too afraid that the distraction that my mind tells me is to cut myself.
I need help. Someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on. But no one understands me.
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self.bipolar
|
Suicide seems so tempting? Why do I feel like such please? First off I’m not depressed(well I don’t think I am?). Whenever life feels so tiring and painful I always imagine different ways of how I kill myself(most of the time). At school when I see different methods I could kill myself with different equipment I don’t go through with it because I simply just don’t want to die yet.
There are times where I almost go through with it but luckily back off because:
-I simply don’t want to die yet
-I’m curious to see how my life would be like in the future
-It would hurt a lot
-If I fail then I’ll be feeling shame and judged
I’m sorry if I sound extremely insensitive or ignorant to anyone! It’s not and wasn’t my intention so I’m really sorry if I offended anyone or wasted anyone’s time.
I would just like to know why I find suicide tempting please.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I didn’t get accepted. I am 25 and was a cosmetologist before I moved to a new state to live with my fiancée. I decided I’d go back to college so I can get medical insurance and benefits for me and him where he also works as a barber.
I didn’t get accepted into any programs at my school though, and will be graduating next semester with just an associates in science and more than likely able to land a job that I could’ve gotten without this degree and making as much as I do now. I feel like such a let down, and I’ve just made myself more in debt for no reason.
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self.Anxiety
|
Question to people who were on Paxil, had sexual side effects, and then discontinued the medication Do the sexual side effects go away once you stop the medication? I'm having a lot of difficulty ejaculating and my sensitivity is greatly decreased. Overall, my sex life is very unsatisfying.
I had an appointment with my psychiatrist today, but I forgot to ask him, and my next appointment isn't for a week and a half.
Thanks!
|
self.bipolar
|
Medicaid Work Requirement For those of you like me are in Kentucky, unable to work, and on Medicaid, I found this today, “For the sake of illustration, it is useful to look at the examples provided by Iowa Medicaid in its November 2013 final definition5 of medically frail which emphasized medical diagnoses and degrees of severity. For example, the definition specifies that individuals diagnosed with “psychotic disorder; schizophrenia; schizoaffective disorder; major depression; bipolar disorder; delusional disorder; or obsessive-compulsive disorder” will be considered as having disabling mental disorders” https://nationaldisabilitynavigator.org/ndnrc-materials/fact-sheets/fact-sheet-8/
Granted it’s Iowa’s definition, but we should be okay.
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self.bipolar
|
I've had everything I wanted. Girls. Money. Being in fancy hotels. Friends. Traveling. Fancy food. Beautiful hookers. Weed. Name it. I have everything I need that builds a relationship.
But I can't love. Help please.........
|
self.depression
|
You don't want me. And why would you? I'm not like you. You like clubbing and drinking and dancing to music that I found to be very lame. And me? I like quiet nights and rainy days and walking and just talking to you. We're different people. Yet I still want to spend time with you. I want to know you and I would like more than anything to be included in your life. I tried to change. But that resulted in a huge and pathetic anxiety.
Maybe we're only meant to be acquaintances.
I'm not fun enough for you. I'm not cool enough for you. I'm not pretty enough for you.
I'm not normal enough for you.
I'm just me. Very simple and weird, me.
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self.offmychest
|
Nobody Will Miss Me When I’m Gone I used to think that by dying I’d get my revenge on the world, that people would be sad for having mistreated me all my life and would regret it when I’m gone. But now I know that isn’t true - I could disappear tomorrow and no one would ever know.
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self.depression
|
Failed and I have to leave—I’m not sure what I’ll do Hi guys.
I recently found out I failed an online calculus I class after putting off checking my grades for two weeks. I’m still living with my parents, but this messes everything up for me. My chance of getting scholarships or the universities I want are zilch since I’m still a senior in high school. Thanks college for giving me the one teacher that doesn’t curve grades.
I really wanted to go into engineering but after this I feel so hopeless. I haven’t told my parents yet because I just found out. The lowest I thought I would get would be a C, but I must have messed up my final exam a lot...
With that being said, I am planning to leave between today and tomorrow. It’s horrible leaving so close to New Years Eve, but I’m glad I could leave without any bad blood and after Christmas. Im almost ready to drown myself, but if I don’t I plan to go to a youth shelter... the closest being an hour drive, and the closest bus stop is a two hour walk... I’m really, really scared but I feel it’s the only thing I can do. Thanks for all your help guys.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Im always too scared of the future. An Indian would probably understand this more than anyone else.
I recently finished my final year of school(non-medical) and now i have to choose a college to go to.
The problem is, i severely fucked up my JEE mains(which is the most important engineering entrance exam in india), and im only left with options that are shit(private universities=disgrace in india).
My parents are extremely supportive, they keep on insisting that everything will be fine, and that I would do great if I follow my passion, regardless of the college i choose. I couldn’t ask for better parents, and I cry even at the thought of losing them one day.
The thing is, I’m dissappointed in myself. I know I could’ve done better. I feel nothing but regret now.
Unable to sleep, eat food, even walk properly. I keep on thinking about the future, about the sort of job i will get, and would my college choice affect it too much.
I think too much, thats my problem.
I think too much about the consequences rather than putting in effort to actually do something.
I struggle with this a lot.
And the other thing which troubles me, is that if i keep on thinking and being depressed about stuff in life which is not of much importance(like choosing a college, i know its not that important of a decision if i perform well in any college) i dont know what I’ll do on the day when i fuck up real good.
Is this a problem with me? Can i do something to treat it?
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self.depression
|
Thank you. I have had a hard couple of years and depression has taken over. While I really feel for you all it's comforting to know I'm not the only one.
My wife died just over a year ago. There's still an argument as to weather the hospital killed her or the cancer. A number of health professionals feel it was the hospital. It left me drained and exhausted afterwards. Then I spent 4 months going through a complaints process with the hospital. Boy they don't make those easy. It was a strange process. A number of people in the health sector asked me, almost.pleaded me to complain because they were killing patients.
Anyways at my wife's funeral my sister was on walking sticks. I didn't get to find out till later it was because she had a massive tumor in her brain. She has now been diagnosed with multiple sclerosis.
My father also had prostate cancer. He was operated on a few weeks before my wife died.
2months ago my friend died from a burst aorta. I never even knew that was a thing.
I had been recently seeing another woman. But she's going through cervical cancer. And doesn't want me around much.
I'm trying to get myself back on track but it's so hard to push through the pain. I tried taking st John's wort but it gave me wicked nightmares every night. And vitamin b gives me insomnia.
I was given some free counciling but it was only 8 sessions. I am low on money. So I can't afford more.
I am trying to make a living working part time while looking after my Asperger's daughter. She's 10 but doesn't attend school. Her last school helped me get an exemption so she could be homeschooled.
So, that's the basics of me. I have very few friends. I'm considered to be bad luck at work because people who share offices close to me at work die. 4 people in 5 years. Although one survived. She had a brain aneurysm with devistating effects. On the bright side my office is quiet because no one is willing to use the ones around me.
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self.depression
|
"so uh how exactly are you depressed?" "like you have a big house, a pc, friends, etc"
WOWO MAYBE DEPRESSION HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SOCIO-ECONOMIC STATUS? Crazy thought right
|
self.depression
|
Help. I just found this. URGENT. https://np.reddit.com/r/2mad4madlads/comments/7j8z4t/im_so_mad_im_posting_a_picture_of_nothing_someone/?st=JB3A8VNA&sh=7f3f5f88
I just found this but I’m not equipped to deal with it.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm not even that good at the only thing I'm good at. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Feeling very anxious/restless tonight for no reason. Anyone else experience this?
|
self.Anxiety
|
She said she wouldnt leave me I said I would always fight for her [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Fuck yeah I found a way to kill myself really easily in my own room. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
After 7 Months Of Searching And Joblessness, I Began A New Job In September. Last Night, I Suddenly Rage Quit. :/ Yeah...
This wasn't a perfect job, but considering what I was doing and the pay, it was pretty decent. However, I had issues with several assistant managers and such (two of them) who were apparently "cunts" (to quote other co-workers) to everyone. I just have a very low threshold of tolerance for that crap.
I was great at both of my jobs. The only issues began about three and a half weeks ago. They began training me for online orders, which only one other person other than the girl who trained me knows how to do (and she is leaving nexy week for the Military).
The girl who was training me for the online orders is a horrific combination of moody, constantly irritable, short-tempered, and unwilling to repeat herself. She told me the second day she was training me that she doesn't repeat herself. Kind of odd, because... Most people need repetition to learn. That's kind of how that works.
After about two weeks of that, and I started getting moody. It had quickly progressed to where I knew what I was doing (had been left alone for several days prior to this with NO issues), and the only mistakes I was ever making was when that girl (we will call her "Eve") kept swearing at me, etc., while I was trying to work. It began inducing panic attacks after my longest streak free, in... Ever??? Those quickly became severe enough that I was vomiting 5-10 times per attack and losing my memory. This made it difficult for me to work with her.
Management noticed, so they stopped scheduling me with her. This meant that I was also doing what I was originally doing now (cashiering). Super easy. I never made mistakes.
There's this woman who works in the front end making sure the self-checkouts move smoothly and providing overrides if someone needed to void an item out of a transaction or something like that. She is an assistant manager.
I've had issues with her before yesterday... I smiled at her once and she said, 'Ain't no need for that shit!" Since then, she's been giving me hell any time we worked within view of each other. Yesterday, however, was by far the worst...
See, yesterday, I was nearly two hours away with my family. I was called into work because 6 people had called out before 8:30 am. I told them that I was with my family and was rather far away. However, knowing my recent lack of employment, my family agreed that we could postpone so that I could fill in for the day.
I drove the 1.5+ hour trip back to my apartment, then went to work. I was there an hour earlier than I said I could be. Things were going exceedingly *well* until Cher was called in and showed up about an hour and a half before I was due to leave.
It started when there was only one bag of a certain pankcake mix on sale for 2/$6 left. Since it wasn't bogo, the sale price didn't apply to the single bag. This meant that both the item had to be voided, and then the "empty" transaction. I had to announce over the intercom that I needed assistance in my lance. No big deal, usually! They just swipe their card and move along.
Cher comes up... "What did you do?"
I explained the situation. She sighed, then swiped her card and walked away, apparently forgetting that there was a second step required in this instance.
I called for assistance over the intercom again. She comes up. "It's the same people! How did you mess it up again?"
That rubbed me the wrong way. All she had been doing since she clocked in was standing in the same place just watching people. God forbid you actually have to do something at a place you call "work." I told her, "Actually, you walked away too quickly. You have to void the transaction too!"
To shorten an already lengthy story, I had something similar happen about 30 minutes later. She waited for the customers to leave, jerking at me when I glanced in her direction while she was waiting.
"Let me tell you something! There is no reason for you to be acting--" she began to say, but I cut her off. Very unlike me, honestly. I was having a panic attack. Fight or flight had kicked in, and for the first time ever, it was strongly feeling more like FIGHT than FLIGHT.
I told her that I was just trying to do my job, that I had gone out of my way to come in that day (she had just said she was in a bad mood because she was called in too), and that I was appalled to be treated that way when I wasn't even scheduled to work that day.
Knowing I was either going to hurt myself (most likely, historically) or possibly her (has never happened), I walked away as she was yelling at me. Without saying anything, I clocked out, took my apron off, and went to my car.
No, I did not tell ANYONE I was leaving. I wouldn't have been able to speak.
So, now... I'm coping with that. I feel like a massive weight has been lifted off of my shoulders already. I had no work nightmares last night about Eve or Cher, actually got more than 3 hours of sleep, and almost 20 hours later have not had any panic attacks.
Sorry that was so lengthy... It feels good to get it off my chest.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I made so many suicide jokes that people around me also started joking about me killing myself I make jokes about killing myself all the time. In school, around my friends, everywhere. It calms me down a bit whenever I actually want to kill myself.
But I've actually made so many jokes about suicide that my classmates and even some friends think I don't mean these things, so now they're making jokes about it, too.
"u/diana_j, why weren't you in class yesterday? We thought you finally killed yourself" *laughing*
"u/diana_j, I see you're not in a good mood. Are you gonna slit your wrists now? LOL."
I know I'm fucking dumb, because I'm responsible for it, but everytime they say something like this, I feel terrible. I don't wanna tell them to stop, because obviously I'm joking about it too, so why couldn't they?
I don't know if I'm asking a question here, or what. Maybe I just want to know if I'm actually the one responsible for it, or they're just assholes. Or how should I tell them to stop?
|
self.depression
|
Help me find this Chinese proverb about a rich man telling a homeless to "just eat meat" if he can't buy rice. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I've got about a week left im gonna preface this by saying km happy with my life, however i've decided to end it soon. I'm just tired of living if that makes any sense, and don't really have anyone to live for.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Question for those who have been in a relationship with a depressed partner I don't know what it's like to be the one who had to listen to me whine. I thought I'd get some perspective.
For those who have had to deal with the negativity of their partner. To listen to them talk and complain. What's it like?
I've always felt comfortable telling my gf my thoughts. Lately it hasn't been the case. I can't tell if it's paranoia or what but I just think she's tired of it. She assures me it's not the case. She hasn't left me so I take it as a good sign.
I imagine it must get annoying.
|
self.depression
|
why do i always come back to feeling this way?? I reunited with an ex who I care about deeply and I learned that he had a recent suicide attempt. Seeing the person who was so strong for me be at their weakest has made me feel absolutely hopeless. He pulled me out of my darkest times and I owe him my life... It upsets me so fucking much and I feel like there's nothing I can do to help. I've also been having a rough time recently and ever since finding this out it's really taken a toll on me. I'm not strong enough to handle this at all
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Sleeping with Anxiety I have GAD with a couple panic attacks here and there. Probably around 9pm I always get anxious,not sure why although I read somewhere it’s a common time to become anxious. So, from 9-12 my thoughts are running wild, so I normally stay up until 12 because I’m too anxious to sleep any earlier, I have to wake up at 6 so this isn’t enough sleep for me personally. I’d like to go to bed around 9:30 or 10 but my brain just refuses to shut down, I do breathing exercises although it’s always taken me awhile to fall asleep so I can never go to bed relaxed after them. Any tips?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Fallen off the horse... again... I have had depression for a long time now but after a significantly bad episode 2 years ago I made a hell of a lot of changes to my life and my life has changed and improved dramatically. I moved to a different country, I have a well paid and although demanding, good career. On Thursday I went on my first date in 3 years and it went incredibly well. Then boom. For no apparent reason the tears came. I cried excessively for 5 hours. I have called in sick to work and spent the whole day in darkness. It came out of nowhere but here I am again. I don't really know what to do this time, I'm exhausted feeling like this, I just want it all to stop and I feel like I'm going to fuck my whole life up for something I can't control. I guess no matter how far you come or however many times you get back up and fight it, it's always there, lurking. Even when your life has never been better it's going to jump out of the shadows and beat the shit out of you for no fucking reason. When I was depressed before I had bad days and worse days and it all just kind of blurred in to one shitty existence. But when you have 100 good days, throw in one bad day and it's a real shock to be thrown back into the gutter.
Well I am determined to get better again and soon. I have done it before and I guess I will have to do this for the rest of my life. I will never be cured of this illness but I won't be cursed by it either. I've worked too damn hard for that. Here we go again, wish me luck.
|
self.depression
|
30 minute daily walk while listening to audio books is helping improve my mood and energy levels. [removed]
|
self.depression
|
I like my life until i'm a 100% honest with myself [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Honestly I would prefer my parents get divorced. They don't even speak to each other. I end up being their middleman in this arrangement I never agreed to.
But fucking Asian parenting.
|
self.depression
|
This is the first year I didnt care about Christmas [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
i can't breathe and i need someone to talk to me any help is greatly appreciated i don't want to be alone right now
|
self.Anxiety
|
Welcome to the new moderators! We're very happy to announce that /u/Reaper_of_Souls and /u/Darcimay have joined the moderator team!
We were very fortunate to have so many good candidates to choose from - we thought that pretty much everyone would have been a good fit. In the event that we need a new mod in the future, we have a great pool to choose from, so thanks again.
Just for transparency, the way it worked this time was that I went through the post and comment histories for the candidates and chose the top four best fits, and then together with the other mods we chose the top two.
Both Reaper and Darcimay have a record of being great at managing conflicts and crises, seeing both sides of a situation, and giving sound advice, so we think you're in good hands with them.
Welcome, Reaper and Darcimay!
____________
____
Also, please take a look at our updated rules: https://www.reddit.com/r/BipolarReddit/about/rules/
|
self.bipolar
|
Does anyone else go into hysterical crying spells when manic? I feel the racing thoughts, the superiority complex, the insane levels of productivity, the need to be Doing Something Always, but I will go into fucking hysterical suicidal crying spells randomly. They're not even sad, it just feels like a bunch of pent up scary energy and I suddenly want to kill myself. Not in a depressed way, either. Just in a practical, 'this would be better' way. Does anyone else experience this? (And yes, I am getting my meds checked out/increased tomorrow.)
|
self.bipolar
|
I hurt someone today. I was supposed to hang out with one of the best friends I've ever had on her birthday today, but because of poor choices I made this weekend I didn't feel up to it. This sucks, I cannot fix this, the damage is done.
I don't like hurting people but ironically it seems I'm very good it. I wish I could change but this has been me for as long as I can remember. Everyone who knows me deserves better, but I've already made the mistake of allowing them to care about me. I wish I could just disappear from existence and takes everyone's memory of me with me.
I'm thinking I should just push everyone away to spare them from the pain that comes with knowing me.
|
self.depression
|
I'm losing my will to remain "ethic", and longer believe in free will. Suicide is the only optimal option for me before I hurt someone. Help didn't make it better, it only made me understand just how bad my situation is. 16 years of help, so I think we can toss the "get help" or "call the suicide hotline" options out of the way.
You can't change someone's view once they stop believing in free will. Your lack of control is what will try to maybe stop me from thinking the way I think, which means that I pretty much don't give you many, if any, options to argue with me.
I thought I was getting better, but I was getting worse at the same time.
severe social anxiety, to the point that I used to lie about actually doing my homework because I didn't want to answer. I'm quieter than your average quiet character, literally something that would be considered unrealistic in terms of fiction.
I used to not be able to make speeches to crowds, but I was able to make 3-4 speeches on-the-fly about 2 months ago, which everyone was praising me for finally being able to do so, but it only got harder the more I tried.
Nothing can convince me, nothing is EVER enough, a lady friend of mine cried while talking to me alone in my farewell dinner because I was leaving our workplace after showing how much progress I made and how I was actually talking to her as a friend for a couple of months after being completely quiet.
So obviously, my pain has nothing to do with not getting enough love or not having any friends since I have a decent amount, my latest psychiatrist and social worker both tried, prescribed me pills, we tried CBT, etc, but it wasn't enough. Even all my friends know about my "attempt" at suicide (depends how much you consider it an attempt, but it wasn't a call for help, I was seeing whether or not I'll have the guts, or if my "free will machine" will just tell me to go through with it).
Weirdly enough, I'm not shy at all when it comes to talking about how suicidal I am. Probably because that's all I think and know about nowadays.
Most people either hide their pain, or simply go to a therapist or commit suicide.
I'm fucking screaming and it seems like everyone's covering their ears because they refuse to believe that everything can go wrong when it comes to "life".
My life's practically perfect, I hate it, let me die.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I want to give up but I don't have that option. Back in August my little brother hung himself. Just a couple of weeks after my birthday. And what they say about the risk of suicide feels true because today I woke up after a heart-breaking night and all I want to do is die. But he took that option from me. I want to hurt myself so that I don't feel like this. Fuck him.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I quit my job I got fired from my favorite job. It wasn’t anyone’s fault it was just a misunderstanding. I got hired and then I got fired again this time “no real reason. Sorry it’s just not working out”
Today I started another job and I hated it so much I left and told him I got a call back from another better place. I’m a fucking failure
|
self.offmychest
|
I feel like there is a void behind my chest that is dampening my emotions. I wish I knew which words to use to explain what I feel, but I'm not even sure what that is.
For the first time in my life, I'm feeling so tired that I did not manage to do anything productive today. Even writing this text feels like a task I have to fulfill for which I merely have enough energie to finish it.
This has been building up for the last year I think, even though I have just recently started to listen to my body and mind, and what has been changing the last months.
I'm close to finishing college, so is my girlfriend, I'm a very outgoing person, I would say that I'm fairly good looking and have an easy time with people. I have a lot of friends, a lot of people to support me, I have never had problems in school nor college. But since some time, all of this is starting to feel like a burden rather than a blessing. It feels like there is very little emotion that is able to pass through this void, to keep me on track, I feel bland.
The last few months I had to support my girlfriend finishing her bachelors because she could'nt cope with it anymore. It was a very demanding time for myself, having to juggle my girlfriends fear of not being good enough which came with a series of heavy breakdowns, my own realization that I don't want to work anything my current studies has to do with, problems within my family, paying the bills, keeping the fragile construct alive that is the small bit of relationship two very important people in my life have left, so I don't have to take a side, and trying to push my hobby that might turn career, if only a small one.
With all the stress going on I was always positive, I still am, but I'm feeling so tired.
Whenever I felt crushed, not matter how much, I could turn to my music and just sink myself into it. It's like driving motorcycle in the middle of the night at high speed, washing off everything that's clogging my mind, like the wind is riddening myself from all the bad feelings.
When I tried recording today, I felt anxious. Anxious that I might fuck up while recording and have to do it again. Anxious that I might not be able to record my mixing as I would like it to. Anxious that I might not have what is needed to be good at what I love to do. Anxious that everything around me is turning faster then I can follow and that all the chances I have may never work out to something. So I stopped after not even 15 minutes.
These thoughts have never crossed my mind until today. I never had to suppress bad feelings, because I almost never had them, and if I did I was very good at dealing with them.
Today for the first time in my life, I'm feeling fear of what might come, how all of this continues. I don't know if I've hit an especially bad day today, or if this process I have been experiencing is depression, but I'm starting to succumb to this tiredness and that is what makes me really afraid.
|
self.depression
|
I'm done I think tonight I will do it.
I am done with this bullshit. I am just so lonely it's seriously insane. Imagine being LONELY 100% by yourself for 7 years. I don't mean being lonely but having a GF, friends and family. I mean 100% lonely. I can't even connect with people online. Oh yes. If you are a man and you are sad and shy, you are screwed. Trust me. I'm not ugly, I actually get lot of replies on dating apps. I'm not dumb, I'm not mean. Anyway I don't need to explain all this stuff or prove myself to anyone. I had my chances. I screwed them. I'm done with this life. Tonight I might probably try something. Why do I write my pathetic life here? Because I got no one. Why do I sound mad and bitter? Try getting rejected all your life. I'm seriously down with all this bullshit. you don't have to agree with me just witness my last words that will be enough. Cya
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
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