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New to this community and newish to a diagnosis of bipolar It’s going on a year now since I was diagnosed as bipolar. I had a manic episode at the end of 6 days of not sleeping, I was hallucinating colours a bit. Now I’m on medication for it, and I haven’t noticed much of a difference other than I feel things differently than I did before. Friends say I’m the same but maybe talk less. Anyways just posting here to see what this community is like.
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self.bipolar
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Going out again after a long period of solitude and anxiety? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I want to be dead I really just wish I wasn’t alive anymore. It seems like my life over the past few years (especially in the last year or so) has just gotten worse and worse. I’ve been sexually assaulted twice and have been diagnosed with PTSD. I still get flash backs. Relationships have ended because of what I’ve experienced. I lost my scholarship because of not getting good grades due to trying to deal with everything. I feel like the only thing I offer any value for is sex. My grades are bad, I’m fucked financially, and I really don’t see any point in living. I just wish I could make all my problems go away and dying might be the only way to do that.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Feeling really alone I have been searching for a full-time job in my field since May 2016, I got a contract job in April but I was let go in June. A couple of weeks ago my ex girlfriend broke up with me. I live at home and I don't talk to most of my friends. I only talk to two friends on a regular basis but one has a full time job and the other is in grad school and isn't the most conversational over text anyways. My ex girlfriend breaking up with me really destroyed my connection to my friends at the school I went to. I'm really lonely and I don't know what to do.
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self.offmychest
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Considering Electroconvulsive Therapy Apparently, my issues are too much for medications and therapy to handle. The doctors have no further suggestions but ECT. It's not really scary like many believe it to be, but for some other reason I'm scared as hell to have it done. I don't really know what else to do though. I'm sick about it. I'm sick about everything. Does anyone have any experiences with it?
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self.depression
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I should know better. That's the worst part. Don't ever say the words right out. That's how you get yourself in trouble.
That said... it comes more and more frequently now. I've been going through a divorce with the woman who I believed was my world, my everything - and to hear her tell it, I'm responsible for everything falling apart. In fairness I'll take responsibility for a good 90% of it, and I wish I'd have realized how unhappy she was before it ever got here.
A few years ago, I had to bury my daughter. Technically stillborn, but I held her in my arms and wept while there was a flatline tone going in the next room, and that helped kickstart the depression back up, as well as the PTSD. Fortunately, they didn't commit me for that, so I could still get my hands on a weapon if I wanted to. It's still up in the air whether that's a good thing - hence why I'm here.
They say the holidays are the worst, and I think that's probably true. Maybe this'll ease off in time - but I've gone to all sorts of different doctors, tried different medications, gone to therapy and groups and meetings, and none of it seems to make any difference. If anything - you know how there's that point where you're so depressed that you'd do something, but it's so bad that you don't have any initiative or energy to do it? Maybe the meds help - and then I start getting enough energy to really consider doing something, and then stop it before things go too far.
As I sit here writing this, I look at my 2 year old daughter, and I think about my 10 yr old son, both of whom keep asking me why I'm so sad. Well, my son does - my daughter just insists on sitting next to me and clinging whenever I start randomly crying out of nowhere. My ex asked me earlier in the week if I wanted to have them stay at her place this weekend, and I really, really wish they had. But then I'd be posting in /DeathNotification (if there was such a reddit, I haven't checked) so it's just as well in it's own way.
I don't want to screw up my children. I don't want to hurt my parents, my ex, my friends - anyone really. But I'm so beyond tired - and while I sit here trying to be a pillar of strength for other people I know who are having problems, that little voice in the back of my head that knows exactly what I need to do to make this all stop? It's getting louder all the time.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m taking klonopin and I still can’t sleep I fall asleep super late and wake up in the middle of the night. What gives?
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self.depression
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You keep me here Dear Baby Brother and Grandma,
All 6'2" and 3/4 century of you (brother being 6'2" and Grandma being 73 years old)...
You are the only ones keeping me here on THIS earth. Mom, Dad, brothers, sisters, cousins the like...they'll easily continue on in one way or another.
You two. You two will be forever mauled in my absence.
I can't do that to you. You deserve so much better because you've given me so much. SO MUCH.
You love me in good, bad and surely the ugliest of times. None of it mattered. Only the sun had to set, for any occurrence, my fault or yours, and the day would be new.
I can't cock the gun, tie the knot or ram my car into concrete because you appear. Appear in me the fear that I'd hurt you by not being here.
I don't tell you or make hint of my desires. It'll only bring you more troubles and pain--nothing you could gain.
You two keep me on this earth. Luckily, it turned out to be the oldest and the youngest . And nice little buffer.
The two people I would sooner die than see suffer.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My eating disorder cost me my best friend I can understand why you were angry.
I can understand why you left.
I can understand why you thought I wasn't trying hard enough. You could only sympathise with me for so long. You could not empathise, for you had not experienced an eating disorder or depression before. You could not understand how the sickness took over my world. You could not see what I saw, feel what I felt. And that is not your fault. I should not have placed such high expectations on you. You were merely a teenager, with your own responsibilities, your own needs and your own life. I should not have expected you to understand. I should not have expected you to stay by my side. It was not your cross to bear.
I can understand why you were angry.
I can understand why you left.
I can't help but feel abandoned.
I can't help but feel alone.
I'm sorry I pushed you away. I'm sorry I became consumed by my thoughts. I was not there for you as a friend. I was not there to comfort you when you needed me. I focused too much on my own issues. I did not do you justice as a friend. I can understand now, why you left. I can understand why you spent more time alone with my twin sister. You leaned on each other for support. She gave you the comfort I didn't. You gave her the comfort I didn't. I can understand why both of you didn’t want me around. I can understand why you resented me. I can understand why you left. I can see how my sickness and my actions have damaged our relationship beyond repair. I feel guilty for what I have caused. I feel responsible for it all. I wish I could rewind the clock and we could be friends. But here I am lying awake in the middle of the night, crying to myself instead.
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self.offmychest
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I'm starting to become a shell of a person with only my ambitions. I'm 19 and I have gone to the cheapest college that I could attend, one that my father works at, and I had thought everything would be fine for me since I had a good work ethic, but some drama befell me because of the aspect that's really important. Socially, I was a sociopathic person who only cared about my classes to boost my chances of future success and so I couldn't be like my parents having four kids without means to provide them with cars or anything beyond the bare minimum. I have been 'bullied' into taking a medical leave of absence, and I'm working to go into community college to transfer. The thing is, I'm losing my hope, not so that I'm not able to do anything, but that everywhere I go people will laugh at me and roll me into a criminal, a desperado if you will, who only wanted to make others happy. I'm looking into UX design right now, but my social health is pretty bad, I mean, I have friends (not super close), and all, but being able to effectively network at this point is hell. My entire life feels like it is collapsing in on me and I am somewhat petrified and a slave to my mental health and my lack of assets. I don't want to be on the streets. It's been only two semesters off of college, but I need to mentally make it through to community so I can change. I feel like a mineral put under immense pressure, and I don't want to be smothered. I want to be a gem on the other side. I'm just scared right now, and I feel really bad. I also masturbate to keep from feeling the stress or the inferiority complex. I have never done drugs, don't plan on doing any, but I am scared shitless for future bullying and my employability. My parents were overbearing, and I want to live to spite that, and accomplish things that are beyond my level and kick ass at life, but it seems I can't have any mental stability.
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self.depression
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Well shit fuck - major life changes thrust on me I work as an IT Manager and engineer for a large corporation. I work from home but occasionally go into the office when I meet with my director or for other big meetings. The office is 45-1.5 hours away depending on traffic.
I just had a meeting where it was announced that our office was moving into the downtown of a major city. I saw this coming but what I didn’t expect was my director saying everyone is expected to work from that office.
I work with every country other than the US so I have early calls and late calls.
The major city is actually closer to my house but the commute is miserable. If I drive it could take 2-3 hours on bad days plus at least $20 parking every day.
If I take the train I would have to get off, take a bus, and then walk a while. We are on the outskirts of downtown so it isn’t like the transit is great to get there. This commute would probably be 1.5 hours each way which is probably better than driving but still a long time.
It would also mean way more time away from my family. No more being able to work in my PJs when I’m having bad days. Having to wake up super early to get ready because now I have to worry about my professional brand / image.
My whole world is being turned upside down and I have 2 months to get used to it before the building is ready.
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self.bipolar
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Took care of myself by breaking up. Hey friends. Recently I started to notice that my ex was implying that she was too good for me and stuff I was doing wasnt enough for her. Making me second guess my memory, saying I did stuff (or didnt do stuff) I said I did.. I wouldnt hold that first one against her, she totally has the right to think that. But honestly ive been this path befofe. Every comment about how bad I am I believe a little more and little by little I go down the hole of no self esteem.
Im sorry if this is all over the place im very emotional and at this times my english get worse and worse . Im just proud of myself for taking care and felt like only you guys could understand.
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self.bipolar
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Is this normal dosage increase for lamictal? I was on 25mg for two weeks, 50mg for three (I took them at the same time) and my doctor just upped me to 100mg twice a day. Is that normal? It freaks me out a bit because that seems like a huge leap. She said I could start it next week since I’m also starting seroquel and I said, “that’s a lot,” (which I then explained what I meant, and she said that’s a normal increase).
Is this normal? I’m considering doing 100mg until next week and going to the twice a day which shouldn’t harm anything.
Edit: on my way home I realized why it’s such a huge leap. She thought I took 50 once in the morning and once at night. I thought she thought I took 25 in morning and at night, and to me that’s not a big difference than me taking them at once at night.
What the heck do I do now? Doctors closed until Monday. It’s almost 11 here.
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self.bipolar
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Writing is a drug after 1 year of writer's block I managed to overcome it by several means, the main one was roleplaying VTM (me being ST) and writing about it, even going further, allowing my players to read what I have written (I prefer to destroy my writings rather than let someone read those) well they really don't know how difficult is for me to do that.
is the part that when I write I show too much of my soul so I am not very comfortable with that.
The hardest part of the problem is that since there is the christmas break is getting very difficult to write my daily post since we are not playing, and well, when I write it's like being high and when I don't it's like a withdrawal.
The ups and downs you know? being a writer is very hard
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self.offmychest
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Dealing with disappointment Today I found out I didn't get into Oxford, I got an interview but they didn't want to give me a place. I've dreamt about going there for years and got so close, I feel worse than I have done for ages. How do you deal with disappointment? I just feel like a failure. No one in my family has ever been to University before so they'll be proud of me no matter where I end up, but I can't help but feel like I've failed at my chance to get out of the working class cycle and make something of myself.
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self.depression
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Anxiety is the sensation that nothing has ever been okay, and never will be.
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self.Anxiety
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I didn't find anything. So why am I still anxious? I have borderline personality and ptsd. I find that my diagnoses trigger each other which means I'm either a happy, manic ball of energy or I'm an anxious mess. I flip on a dime and boredom is my enemy.
Due to some past issues, I look through my husband's phone. I am not proud of that and I'm working on not doing it at all. I've made good progress but there are still times when I feel out of control of my own actions and thoughts.
Well I looked last night and....didn't find anything. I want to feel happy and relieved because it confirmed that he was telling me the truth. All I feel is anxiety and guilt and shame.
It feels like all the progress I've made was erased in a few seconds. I'm so upset with myself and I feel like I let him and myself down (even though he doesn't know).
I don't want to do this anymore. I hate feeling out of control of my own mind. I want to tell him what happened because I want his comfort and support but this has been an ongoing issue for us. He no longer believes me when I say I'm trying.
It's so hard for me to accept that privacy does not equal secrecy. I don't know what he does every minute of the day and I'm supposed to be ok with that but, I'm not.
I know it all comes back to my lack of self-esteem and the I really am working on it- better hygiene, going to the gym, eating less/better but some days are just so hard.
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self.Anxiety
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My friend just got diagnosed with bipolar 2. Can we provide her with any words of encouragement? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I feel like I’m a nobody with nothing special to offer I’m 25 and I’m still trying to finish college. My “boyfriend” and i just broke up and it’s in quotes because we were more of a friends with benefits sort of thing. I was actually the one who brought it up. I told him I didn’t want to continue this because our relationship felt so casual (we also live far apart, I’m taking 12+ hrs) and we only talked when we visited each other (every school break). Anyway, he once told me our relationship would never work out because him and i were very different. I guess he had a different idea of who I was when he met me.
I used to play the piano but not very well. Actually I was really a beginner. And when we met we learned that both of us were trying to major in music and changed majors to a science degree and I guess that raised an interest in him.
Turns out he is amazing at playing the guitar and well, like i said, I’m not even near as good as any beginning pianist because I never practiced again. Anyway, I feel like that’s the reason why he could never love me. Because I’m not as special as he though I was. Aside from him being so good at classical guitar, he is smart, reads a lot, likes art and knows so much of everything.
All of his friends are talented too. They’re either great artists or do are great at multiple things and are so cultured and crafty.
And all I am is a human being. Nothing special. I don’t have any talents and this breakup is really making me realize I am a waste of people’s energy.
Edit: we were in a committed relationship for a while. He was the one who actually told me he wanted to make it official.
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self.depression
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Can’t do this anymore This time of year is always very hard for me because I’m afraid of catching the stomach virus. I have a severe fear of vomiting and it takes up my entire life. I don’t have a job right now and I barely do anything except panic at this stage. I spend all day and night in constant fear thinking it’s going to happen and I can’t do this anymore. These panic attacks have become the norm. I don’t leave my room or see anyone because I’m too scared of getting sick. I don’t want to live like this anymore. I have no one to really open up to about this because it’s a broken record to them. They don’t get it. My family belittles me for it and I am always called a freak by my mom. I just want to die. The idea of suicide seems like the best thing possible right now because I’ll finally be at peace. I can’t keep doing these winters. I can’t keep doing this life.
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self.SuicideWatch
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anyone else have problems with really irrational paranoia? I'm 18, been diagnosed with bipolar 1 since I was 15 or 16. Currently taking Lithium, amiloride, clonidine, and adderall, if that helps at all.
I never realized how paranoid I was about pretty much everything until recently.
Some examples are with scary movies--I can't watch them at all. I saw It when it came out and still don't feel safe if I'm home alone, even during the day. Even before that though, I couldn't walk around the house in the dark (or even if the lights were on) if nobody was home/everyone's sleeping, shower if Im alone in the house and it's night time. Still can't, obviously. I'm scared when I think about having to eventually move out because wtf will happen then?
I also get really paranoid that people are looking at me and judging me (not about anything specific, just judging me) and I never noticed how severe it was and how often I had these crappy, intrusive thoughts until my boyfriend started pointing out how often I'd say someone was giving me a rude or weird look while they walked by. Tbh I can't speak in front of people or go to really public places, or even order food without having an anxiety attack (thank god for online ordering lol).
Side note: talking on the phone is my worst nightmare, and I have to start answering it at work and my bosses really don't understand just how severe my anxiety is when it comes to answering that stupid phone. When it rings I immediately disassociate and it feels like I'm being crushed by pressure that isn't there. I don't know why. I really don't.
Aaand on top of all that, I over think everything that people say/do. I don't really trust what people tell me even if they'd have no reason to lie.
So yeah, I don't know, is any of this normal? Do other people that are bipolar have to deal with this stuff too? If so, how the heck do you cope with it? I've tried slowly testing the waters with things, didn't help. So I tried throwing myself straight into the fire, but nope. No progress whatsoever.
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self.bipolar
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We are converting this week from my crap posts to HOLIDAY HELL per a very kind user (also pleast post on SELF-CARE SUNDAY UNDER THIS THREAD) Im going to leave this up for awhile, please try and revisit it. Maybe sort by NEW in the top left I believe.
Here's how this works this year. This thread will replace all weekly threads. We deal with a lot of emotions, mood instability, and general shit during the holidays. Talk about all of it. You can still create your separate posts if you need.
Anyway, holidays suck and this is a support group. So post all the shitty things you feel, are or happened to you, do it all. This is a long form VENT post for all things holiday season.
Sundays, though, I can't change the title, so please come back here for self-care sunday and just sort by "NEW".
Happy fucking Holidays. We love all you people to death. If you need help in different countries, there is always /r/SuicideWatch to post to get help in your area.
Godspeed. We can all make it out of this giant death trap called the Holiday Season with the right support. Remember to sort by NEW so you can help not the most upvoted, but the most recent during this next week
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self.bipolar
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Population Reference Bureau estimates that about 107 billion people have ever lived. Population Reference Bureau estimates that about 107 billion people have ever lived. Thats a lot of people and how many of those people do you remember? We think are lives are special, so did billions of people and where are they now? No one remembers them, who will remember you? People who remember you will also be forgotten. So at the end no one will know you ever existed. So why should I keep living if im only going to suffer. I know I will hurt my family but at the end of the day we are just a bunch of chemicals. Killing yourself goes against millions of years of evolution thats why it's so hard to end it, so I kinda admire people that actually end it. IDK just rambling.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm in a lot of debt and chose a useless major I have fucked up my college career. I am at a new school, close to finishing a bachelor's (about 2 or so yrs left) and everyone left and right says that my major is useless, but I DON'T WANT TO SWITCH NOW. I kept on switching before. I wanna graduate. I'm already getting my money drained. I'm 23, and I wanna learn but I'm sick of living with my parents still in undergrad. I know my major is fucking useless but what else am I supposed to do??? I'm really trying but it all feels so futile especially with shitty useless classes....
I wish I was more into Computer Science....if I was 18 I would've said yes to the major. But I can't start over. I really can't.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm a disgusting piece of shit and here is my rant. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anybody go sleep at night thinking "things will be better tomorrow"? But, nothing ever changes.
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self.depression
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I just want to be loved and cared for. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I️ gets stoned to get through the day but idk if it’s helping anymore.
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self.depression
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Fuck me Literally crying in school rn. No ine cares, teacher just gave me a napkin and didnt say nothing, no one cares about me.
But when someone else cries, everyone just starts asking them whats wrong and talks to them...
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self.depression
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Bipolar meds and joint pain? My elbow joints have begun hurting (only when I move certain ways) since starting my bp meds. I’m on Wellbutrin, Lexapro, Seroquel, and Lamictal. The newest additions are seroquel (about 5wks ago) and Lamictal (added Monday). It seems to have gotten worse this week. Anybody else notice joint pain with the addition of meds???
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self.bipolar
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Sudden sadness attacks? I’m 22 and what I would describe as a high functioning depressive. Since I’ve been dealing with this illness for about 8 years I have developed good coping mechanisms and am able to work and study full time with relative motivation.
I’ve been on Zoloft for six months after dealing with a period of intense suicidal ideation and although the SSRI has helped my general mood and lessened the ideation I have begun to suffer what I can only think of as sudden attacks of sadness.
I’ll be overcome with depressive feelings (to the point of my head being in intense physical pain) and become non verbal and overwhelmed. These ‘attacks’ will only pass if I remain completely unstimulated (no phone, laptop or socialising) and close my eyes and lie down for 30 minutes.
Afterwards I’ll feel completely exhausted.
I haven’t been able to identify any triggers or external reasons why these could be happening.
I’m unsure if they’re panic attacks or side effects of the Zoloft- has anyone experienced anything like this?
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self.depression
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Bipolar 1 & ADHD Apparently pdoc & I are considering this. I’ve been reading about it & it looks like some docs don’t even think a comorbid diagnosis is possible. I know some of you do have this diagnosis (or at least I think I’ve read that). Any insight before I go to my next appointment with pdoc? I will keep researching, as well, but would like to hear from others who have been in this position. Thanks, as always.
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self.bipolar
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I need help understanding bipolar and what meds i should ask about [recently diagnosed ] My doctor is afraid to put me on anything more intense than an SSRI. Right now I am on Wellbutrin 300mg XL and Hydroxyzine [Doesn't help much.] 10 mg of Valium for when I get too nervous or I have the urge to cut or do something manic. I only get 15 a month though. And lastly medical cannabis.
What is a safe stabilizer or antipsychotic? Something with low sexual side effects and low weight gain risk. My sister was on Seroquel and it KO'd her. Lithium I heard can cause liver damage and you need routine blood work. I have been mood swinging like nuts. Does Riperidone help? I heard that's a more mild one. Or what about Compro? My doctor is pushing for me to just smoke the weed and chill, but it can sometimes make me paranoid, very unfocused, or it can make me emotional. I like the pot, don't get me wrong, but it's a weird drug. It affects you a little differently each day, at least for me.
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self.bipolar
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Little to no self control. Hi everyone!
I was officially diagnosed with GAD & depression in November. I have also struggled with social anxiety for as long as I can remember. I’ve been on 50mg sertraline for a little over a month and it’s doing wonders for me. There is one huge problem that I’m facing that I need help with..
I have basically no self control.
I keep gaining weight because I like food too damn much and keep making excuses for myself to not go to the gym. I keep spending money on stupid things instead of paying off my $3000 credit card debt. I get down to the last few dollars until my next paycheck, sigh, and tell myself not to do it anymore.
I hate always being broke. Bankruptcy terrifies me. I would love to finally have no debt so my husband and I can start saving up for a house.
I have tried so many things and still manage to fail. My sister-in-law is a private banker. We sat down with her and discussed our incomes and expenses, and how much we can realistically save. I’ve downloaded every financial app I can think of. Even ones that pull out money that I cant spend.
I really hope I’m not coming across as lazy. This is the biggest cause of anxiety for me right now and I feel trapped. I seriously just need solid advice and probably a good slap in the face.
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self.Anxiety
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Why bother I opened my phone and googled ways to die. Really hoped I could find a button or something. Found nothing of that sort. Found this instead so I thought why not.
Someone please tell me what life is worth living because we're not fooling no one, we are basically all slaves and even those of us with any power is still a slave in some sort. I mean come on. Look at what some of these jobs are. Then look at the shit we buy. Why on earth do we have so much terrible shit being sold? I get the whole freedom bs but does that really override general health and what not? And then the same people who use this sort of argument then goes out of their way to show their hypocritical logic. How can people be for freedom for one group but not the other?
Sometimes it's just shit like I hear shit like "if I could go back in time, I'd kill hitler" or "thank god x was killed by y, x was asking for it". Like uh do you know how fucking hard it is to kill a person let alone can you understand the severity of the words you just let touch your lips? Even if Hitler was a complete cunt not worth defending, to even disrespect him like that (a fucking dead man can't yell back) is just so petty...
Sometimes I just see children saying terrible things or acting violent. We corrupt our own youth with as much ardour as we inspire them and no one seems to care. We literally let children grow into ignorance. To the point where we fucking have teenage pregnancies in a first world country. I get that it's normal behavior and a common enough thing to write off as unavoidable accidents but it really fucking isn't. Guys constantly belittle women and women belittle men. I seen both sides up close in my time living with my friends and it really messed with me for a while... At one point I thought all men including myself were just hormonal retards.
My generation is stuck on "living for the day" and open marriages/hook up culture to the point I probably couldn't even go find a date who hasn't fucked one or two of my friends. The last person I fell in love with breaks my heart everyday and I have lost my ability to focus as well as what I suspect was my will to live.
If the whole point of life is to define it as you go or to find things important to yourself, what should a person who defined everything important out of reach do? I failed to learn enough to do anything. I have no dreams or desires past my obsession for creating an easy world but the way things are turning... It just feels like I am just complicating things.
I just don't get excited by the same things everyone else can get excited by... I hate present and past mainstream media since I never followed it to begin with and I don't think any "good" I can do will be worth while in the end and I can safely say I would be able to slip away without regrets or any goodbyes to everyone.
So Reddit. This is your chance. How would you stop a person who can't see himself enjoying being involved with such a world? Mind you, I am no one. I might not even be able to remember I posted this and never even read an answer before I go and disappear. I really do not think anything any of you could write could change my mind on my thoughts considering I am not looking for answers... Just a chorus. I want to know if others feel the same and if so, why don't we just march out and let the world figure out what we did wrong for us?
If you are someone who failed to harness the knowledge that has been passed down since times unknown in this day and age... Someone who sees how worthless they are and can't change it no matter what they tried... Someone who knows better than to say that I have a purpose no one else can do. Someone who never really involved himself with the world. Someone that someone couldn't even fall in love with back. What would be the point of living?
It wouldn't be an exaggeration to say I have felt nothing but shame and discomfort for four years at my unchanging progress. I just restarted school today and I already immediately started to imagine giving up.
I basically suck at being a person and don't want to care for my fleshy puppet nor the fleshy puppets of my purported friends and family because I am living a self fulfilling prophecy that cannot be stopped due to the stars dictating from the early get go - I am going to fail in life and I will never truly live.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I’m struggling to cope. I’m an unmediated depressive, mainly because none of the medication I’ve tried (and I’ve been on a few types) has done anything. And for the most part I do okay. As in, I can keep up the facade of being normal enough to keep a job I hate and look after a hamster whom I love very dearly.
But I can’t always cope.
For a bit of pointless backstory, I was diagnosed with depression about 10 years ago now, and I’ve tried counselling, cbt and a few types of medication, none of them working.
I feel empty and hollow all the time, except for when I’m angry. I used to have a problem with cutting, but now it’s hitting. I don’t hit other people, only myself. I’m covered in bruises at the moment, it hurts to move my jaw and my head is covered in sections that hurt to be touched from where I hit it. Even my knuckles are sore. I usually try to do it where it won’t be seen, but I fucked up and now I’m bruised all around my eye. No-one’s said anything though.
When I’m angry, it scares me because I can’t control myself, and when it’s over I’m left crying and shaking, telling myself over and over how much I need to die.
When I’m neutral and empty, occasionally I wonder if there’s something deeper wrong with me (bipolar and schizophrenia seem to run in my family) but it’s also not something I can talk to anyone about. So there’s no point going there.
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self.offmychest
|
my near death experience made me realize I didn't want to die. I mean...I do want to die. I'm still depressed and I still have a really hard time putting my life and perspective in any sort of agreeable order. But when I was lying in bed straight sufffeerinngggg from an allergic reaction to a cold medication I knew that If I died in this painful, sweaty, delirious way I would be extremely regretful. Like in the void of space or whatever my particles would be pissed. I've always wanted to die! I literally dreamed of having this sort of experience that would just kill me and leave no trace that I ever wanted it. Guilt-free death. However, two hours after downing some DMX/codeine stuff I started having what I can only experience as a terrible terrible shroom trip. My head was pounding and my body was so unbearably heavy. I couldn't keep my thoughts in order and barely made my mouth move enough to warn my boyfriend that I was probably going to die in my sleep and it was nice knowing him. I know codeine makes you trippy but I had like a capful of this stuff. I was laying next to my then boyfriend, having a terrible time as my heart rate went up to an audible beat and the bed was absolutely soaking with my sweat and according to my ex, all the color in my body just left. I was like..fuck dude if this is how i'm gonna die i might as well just live long enough to off myself the way I want! It was a really surprising thought and I even remember thinking things like 'there's so much I haven't done' and 'I want to talk to my mom one last time.' Eventually, I got up and made myself throw up for like 3 hours and felt normal enough to sleep. When I woke up, I didn't necessarily see things in the same light but i've noticed I haven't been as suicidal lately when i'm usually contemplating my demise on the daily. About a half week later I broke up with my boyfriend, left my shitty living situation, and am on the road to recovery...aka being happy to be alive without the incentive of near death.
thank you for reading
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self.depression
|
Extremely lonely and single my whole life. Feel like I'm not even a human anymore and get mistreated even here [removed]
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self.depression
|
I wish I was successful in my first suicide attempt. I attempted suicide about a year ago by overdosing on a lot of pills, and I wish I died then instead of surviving. The effect the atempt had on my liver and mental health wasn't positive, and I have more issues than I did prior to the event. That's all I have to say. I wish I was fucking dead right now.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Am I suffering from depression? Some days I just get so sad. Nothing triggers it but I start to feel worthless. I feel like my life doesn't matter and take everything personally. The little things hurt so much. Today, nothing happened and I just want to cry for no reason. I started to look around at the people around me and felt like I didn't want to be around them anymore. What's wrong with me? I feel like at least once a month for a week I feel so down.
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self.depression
|
I have to take large amounts of Tylenol and Advil every single day. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Just wish something would happen to me... Not necessarily looking for advice/kind words. I just need to vent.
I don't think I'm suicidal, but I often find myself just hoping something will happen to me so my death won't be "my fault".
A little more than a year ago I moved from Ohio to Florida to escape an abusive, narcissistic ex (and crappy Ohio weather). I brought my 2 daughters along (one is an adult who has since gotten a place with her bf about an hour away). I work for myself and for a while, everything was fine. Until about 4 months ago when work slowed down tremendously. I managed to keep paying bills/rent. Soon after this slow down, I was accepted to law school. I was convinced work would pick back up and I'd be okay...
Well, things picked back up but somewhat too late. Me and my daughter were evicted, I put all of our furniture in storage, and a "friend" let us stay with her. We have to leave by this weekend. Living in a hotel seems like the only logical move (shelters are full of ppl who fled PR after hurricane Maria) but I honestly can't afford it. If I didn't have my daughter, I'd just live in my car (that I'm also struggling to pay for). Yes I get court ordered child support which is less than $100/month. I often have to decide whether or not I can afford to eat for the day. I'm not getting food stamps or any other kind of assistance either (that's a whole story in and of itself). Not that either would solve homelessness.
I'm still in law school and ironically I'm doing quite well. It's the only thing I have to look forward to at this point. So quitting the one thing that's going right is not an option and doing so wouldn't result in an increase in income, which is really the only thing that could even begin to fix this situation. I have exhausted all options and no one has any ideas that I haven't tried so I've stopped asking for help/advice. No one has any. I feel completely alone and if it weren't for my kids I would probably just walk out into traffic.
I'm just tired. I feel like a loser and it's become painfully obvious that no one gives a damn about me. I'm tired of struggling, pulling myself out of crises only to end up here again. It's a cycle that's repeated itself since I started living on my own at age 18 and I'm just ready to get off the rollercoaster.
Edited to add: no I do not drink or do drugs. I literally can't afford any habits.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't know if I've made anybody proud, ever Hi, new member here. Thought I'd write here as I'd get some responses without complaining to acquaintances.
I think I'm at a pretty shitty point in my life, for no apparent reason, cause I spent a good 30 minutes this morning disappointed that my flat doesn't have a place from which I can hang myself. And I'm too uncomfortable with the pain of having to slash my wrists or gas myself in the bathroom.
I'm a 22 year-old dude. Until recently I was working at a bank, in the largest city in my country. I don't know if working is the proper word, as I was more of a mix between a fully responsible position and an intern. I liked it. I mean, some people were throwing bad taste jokes but I liked it. I kinda used it as a crutch to get out from another depressive episode. I was pressured (or I say I was, due to being almost unable to say no to people) by a friend (I don't exactly know if I have any friends) to come at a MetLife presentation back in November and although I specified to him and his boss that they're wasting time with me, even when communicating to his boss that No, I am not coming to work there, the income stream is too unstable, I still took the job. Fuck knows why. I wanted to back down a few times and tell my friend's boss respectively that I do not feel comfortable working this.
Now, I don't know how prospecting for insurance works in the US, but back here (as opposed to most of the other companies, AFAIK), they had me fill some papers with names off the top of my head and have me call 'em to see if we can start something with them. Yesterday they had me have my first calls. Now, I have to specify, I am not afraid of calling people per se. Back at the bank, I was also calling people like crazy, mostly cause I was working with small mom-and-pop places, trying to get them to take out a loan. So I ain't expecting sympathy, having worked at a bank and now an insurance company in the last 5 months. I did manage to set a meeting (albeit, it is with one of the kindest persons I know, so I don't know how much that counts), out of 5 calls. Each moment I felt like my brain was going to explode. I can't really paint a picture of how ashamed/scared I am to call people I know to sell them stuff, even if at work, they're trying to convince me that I'm doing those people a service. I can't shake off the MLM vibe off of me calling people I haven't talked in like a year or more. I'm just ashamed.
And this ashamed thing leads me to my main problem. I don't know if I have depression or anxiety or if I can actually be a functioning human. I'm ashamed of existing, pretty much. I can't tell that to my parents (to which I still maintain a somehow healthy relationship, even though they pumped me full of pills during high school and wanted to have me committed to a psych ward the day I applied for college) because I don't think I am worthy of their sympathy and they're most likely gonna give me shit that I left the bank, even though it wasn't paying that good. Let's pretend we're in Econ 101, where the professor tells you about Monetary Units, or M.U. I was making around 2200 M.U. back at the bank, at the insurance company, you're paid according to how much you sell and I'll probably start rolling sales in February, but I'm still somewhat not crying of worry cause I have about 4500 M.U. in savings which I'm trying to stretch for five months.
I'm giving so much details about income, job status and so on cause I think I have identified a few of my triggers regarding depression (or whatever the hell what I'm having is). I'm obsessed about money. Definitely in the not healthy area obsessed. My parents were kind of lower middle class with me growing up, they only got a car when I was like 16 or so. I'm really a piece of shit when, internally, I'm blaming them, like, OH IF THEY JUST DIDN'T QUIT SCHOOL AND WERE A BIT RICHER MAYBE MY LIFE WOULD HAVE TURNED OUT DIFFERENTLY, but i am fully convinced that my life would have been easier if there was more money around in my earlier years. As a result, I was always trying to hustle some shit during college. I made enough between scholarships, working in Utah during a summer, working back in my country, writing papers for the other kids like crazy and selling some weed and pills on the side that I didn't need much of my parents' help. But I still felt bad. I needed more. I always need more. I like to think of myself as one of those people that's pretty immune to shit they see on IG and FB but I can't help thinking WOW I SURE COULD HAVE AFFORDED THAT UK COLLEGE OR THAT CONCERT OR THAT CAR HAD I BEEN A TRUST FUND KID FUCK I NEED TO RACK MORE MONEY AND QUICK. Sorry if I'm incoherent, I kinda tend to lose it when it's about money, but it makes me happy. Back in Utah, I was working at this snazzy hotel during the afternoons/evenings and sometimes during the mornings/weekends at a 7-11, racking up about 70 hours/week, sometimes more. I was happy. Even though I wasn't making friends there, like all the other people. Maybe I had such little time for myself that I didn't make time to worry, but I'm more inclined to say that I was happy cause I was making quite a lot of money (two days of work at both places would pretty much equal the minimum wage for a month in my country, so of course I was ecstatic).
Or maybe I was never happy and I'll only reach that treshold when I'll earn five figures, in my country's currency. But with the money problem out of the way, let me continue this petty party. I'm very bad with women. Sometimes I wonder if I'm serial killer bad. It's really surprising that I managed to have somewhat stable relationships till now. I feel horrible because those girls had to meet me. I'm around 6'0, 175 lbs, balding since... since 20 pretty much (the summer between Year 1 and Year 2 of college I took two jobs, one of which was in debt collection, where I felt stressed beyond my acceptance, due to the discussions I had with people) but I've embraced the cue ball. I think I'm a 5.5, maybe 6.2 if I dress well. I don't know how to talk to women. I have no idea how I've managed to be with those few girls. I have never approached a woman in a bar, like normal people do. I was a shitty boyfriend to the girlfriends that I had and a lot of times I'm wondering if I'm a mysoginistic piece of shit. My last stable girlfriend cheated on me while in an exchange in Austria, just as I was preparing to leave for a similar exchange in Estonia. Ever since I've been not really myself. For those of you who do not know, between February and May (when I was studying there), Estonia is really not the friendliest country. The combination of shit weather, making no friends there due to my constant voice-in-head ringing shit like OH THEY WONT LIKE YOU ANYWAY YOU'RE UGLY AND UNIMPRESSIVE AND CANT KEEP UP A CONVERSATION ITS ALL POINTLESS JULIA LEFT YOU CAUSE YOU'RE AN UNINTERESTING PIECE OF SHIT WHO LOSES HIS TEMPER WAY TOO OFTEN THESE PEOPLE DONT WANT YOU and basically having no one to talk to made me wish I was dead. The break up didn't help either. I really loved that girl, even though there may have been times when I neglected her. But the past is the past and sometimes I try to think of the good times I had. Speaking of good times, I haven't really had much of those, I think. Or maybe it's the anxiety talking.
I had recurring suicidal thoughts since I was like 14. I took pills that probably messed my liver/kidney up, like 20 of 'em, but my parents (this was while in HS, i was still living in my hometown), didn't care enough to take me to a hospital after sleeping for 30 hours and waking up dizzy and stuff. I didn't have the courage of jumping out of a window cause: a) maybe it wouldn't do the job and the last thing I want is to be paralyzed; b) I'm a fucking coward. The girls I've been around all had some bad experiences, I think we kind of attract each other (abusive parents, absent fathers, dysfunctional families, anorexia, or they were sexually abused when younger) but I just feel bad that they had to meet me.
I don't know if there is one person in this world (my parents don't count, cause I suspect they don't actually care about me, but feel more of an obligation towards me) that I have positively impacted. You know that Drake lyric "I need certain people say they're proud of me/That mean a lot to me"? Well, I don't know if somebody ever felt proud of me. I had okay grades through HS and college, I guess, and I've already worked quite a bit since turning 17, in various places, to get that almighty dollar I've mentioned above. Also volunteered for some student NGO's and non-profits. Most of those kind brought me temporal joy, but I don't know if there is a way of accessing true happiness. Maybe money will do it. Maybe some loving SO will do it. I don't know, guys. The few "friends" that I have, I don't know if they're actually my friends. That one friend that got me to MetLife? I don't know if he's my friend, even though he says he likes me. Some others make fun of my appearance in real life or on my Tinder profile (I've resorted to that as being pretty much unable to get people in real life) cause there's this running joke in this part of the world (idk, maybe in some other regions too) that the bald head+beard look makes you look like a convicted felon. With some other friends from the past I fell out cause everybody has their own road in life and I guess ours diverged. Sometimes I feel terribly alone. I live in a ~350 sq ft flat in a not so nice part of my city. At least it's huge and it'll give me some economic opportunity if I quit MetLife. But there's so, so many days where I wish I didn't wake up. I can't remember the last time I had fun. I know I shouldn't say this given that I managed to get into the US for work during a summer and got the good grades to get that Estonia scholarship and have some money saved up.
But, God, I wish somebody said it to my face that I was a positive impact in their life. I don't know how much time to make that positive impact I have left. It would kill my parents inside, but I'm not really seeing myself live past 25. Everything is just so pointless. I just wanna feel like I could breathe for a long time before that, just for once.
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self.depression
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Anyone else have trouble looking at people in the face/eyes? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Trouble adjusting post-grad On paper my life seems pretty sweet right now. I finished up grad school this summer, got a job in my field, and moved across the country. I’m really struggling right now though.
I’m part of a really intense training program at work that prides itself on its 50% attrition rate (this was not disclosed before they hired me). Because of this I could be fired at any time & with no warning for choosing the wrong answer to a multiple choice question on an assessment (not an exaggeration, I’ve seen it happen to others).
I’m really trying to give this job a shot... once I make it through training it has the potential to be an excellent career opportunity... but in the meantime I’m stressed out and starting to burn out.
I’ve been in my new city for months now and I’ve barely done anything because I’ve been so busy with work. Even when I do have some free time I’m in such a funk that leaving my apartment seems impossible. I’ve had (treated, manageable) depression and anxiety for years so I know how to manage myself when I get like this but right now none of my tricks seem to be working.
I know that this time in my life (mid-20s, figuring my shit out) is supposed to be tough. I’ll get through it. It sucks in the meantime though.
Thanks for listening.
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self.offmychest
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the goodbye I can never actually tell my best friend I can't torture myself anymore. I can't pretend that I'm not in love with you. I can't pretend that I haven't spent countless hours of countless days fantasizing about you. I just can't.
I will never forget the first few months after we met. I will never forget taking care of you when you were sick, or staying up until sunrises talking about endless nothings. I wish I had had the courage to kiss you then. I wish I had been confident, beautiful, and charming. I was so happy to have a found a friend who understood the weird corners of my thoughts and finished my sentences. I wish those first few months weren't distant memories. My excitement was intoxicating. I couldn't get enough of you.
For the past two years I've blamed myself for not taking a leap of faith on those cold winter nights. I always thought that I wasn't pretty enough, that I was uninteresting, that I could never be what you were looking for. Whenever I think about the decisions that amounted from these thoughts, I hunch over with shame. I dated your friend because I thought I wasn't good enough for you. Why am I so despicable? Why did I throw myself at the first man you introduced? Why did I date someone for so long to get you off of my mind? Because I was scared. I was immature and uncomfortable in my own body. I wanted to fill my voids and I wanted to be desired. I'm disappointed in myself for looking for love in all the wrong places when your love was the only affection I craved.
I'm angry that I denied it for so long. Whenever anyone asked why we weren't dating, whenever someone asked if I had feelings for you. Why did I always deny it? Why the fuck did I never just agree? A simple nod. Yes, I love him. Yes, I want to date him. Yes, him. Why did I never have that courage?
Instead I would always joke about it with you. I would always joke about how weird it would be if we dated. How weird it would be if we ended up together. Weird. I couldn't think of a better word than... weird. A few months ago I realized that maybe it would be possible. Maybe it wouldn't be weird and maybe there was chance.
But when you first told me about your girlfriend I lost any glimmer of hope. I painted on a smile and congratulated you. I wished you the very best. I truly meant it. I value your happiness. I want you to be the best version of yourself.
Whenever you needed me for advice, I was there. Every time it got harder. Every time I heard her name, every time I had to help pick a new gift, every time was worse than the last.
When I first saw you kiss her, I cried. When you first told me you were in love, I cried. When you told me you've never felt this way about anyone else, I cried. When you had your first argument with her, I cried. I cried over every fucking thing and exhausted all of my emotions.
I have so much hatred towards her, none of which she is deserving. She wouldn't be the girl I would pick for you, but she's not a bad person. I was just jealous. I am still jealous. I hope no one ever noticed. I tried so hard to hide it. I hope you never find out.
What makes this the hardest is that you're the only person in my life I would call a friend. You were a support system. Someone I could rely on. Someone I could laugh with. Someone that understood. I'm selfish. I don't want to lose that. But this is what's best for you.
Today was my last straw. Today when I saw the way you looked at her, I accepted that it will never be me. I'm not it for you. I never was. My fantasies have always been just that. Fantasies. Meaningless.
Good luck best friend. I'm sorry that I can't be there anymore. But more than that I'm sorry to myself for undergoing this torture.
I hope you don't miss me. I hope you're happy and always in good company.
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self.offmychest
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Does anyone else not sleep due to immense anxiety? I have AWFUL sleeping habits due to anxiety- I always have. Melatonin doesn't work, and neither does any of the other medications I've been prescribed. Before I go to bed, I always get this awful feeling like "you haven't done enough today" or "you weren't productive enough" and my heart starts pounding. I am going to college soon, so I NEED to reset my sleeping schedule... but it's so hard due to the anxiety piece, and the YEARS of sleep deprivation.
Edit: grammar was bad whoops
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self.Anxiety
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Lamictal Question Hello Reddit,
I'm so glad I found this subreddit - since having been diagnosed in September of last year, this sub really helped me know that what I'm feeling is "normal."
I'm currently on 300mgs of Lamictal, which has been a godsend in helping stabilize my moods. I've been titrating up since the last week of. November. With that being said, my energy levels have gone to shit. Has anyone else experienced some form of fatigue or overall lack of energy due to Lamictal? I'm not sure if it's the depression, lamictal, or both, but I can't seem to muster the strength to do much of anything besides going on walks.
Any thoughts? Any insight would be much appreciated. Thanks!
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self.bipolar
|
How does it feels to be in mania or hypomania I just wanted to know how it feels to be in mania or hypomania by other people’s
It would be great help if you share your experiences
Thnx in advance
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self.bipolar
|
Communication I have a lot of trouble communicating and I’m unsure if it’s due to my bipolar..
I have been seeing a therapist since Summer ‘17 and diagnosed bipolar/ptsd in October ‘17. I’m a 25 y/o female. Right now my only medication is Depakote. In the past I was on an antidepressant and it made me extremely manic so I discontinued quickly.
My therapist really wants me to go to AA or Al Anon as she thinks most of my communication issues stem from this. I’m not completely won over by this idea mainly because although I used to drink a lot, I can’t really do it anymore. I very rarely have a drink and when I do I don’t do so I’m excess. I occasionally use marijuana (though I used to frequently,) but now I do so very sparingly and usually for sickness in lieu of painkillers. I was raised by my mother who is mentally ill, but as long as I was alive did not have any substance abuse problems. My oldest brother does have addictions and I have very limited interaction with him- he also struggles with mental illness. I have a hard time believing (or maybe it is accepting) that addiction is really the ultimate culprit. My therapist seems to bring it up constantly as a solution to every one of my problems and it sort of makes me feel unheard as I feel most of my family is sober, but mentally ill.
I feel as though I cannot identify most of my feelings or put them into words. I feel so confused, frustrated and nervous frequently. I have a hard time following conversations and cannot seem to keep simple ideas in my head. My thoughts are very fleeting and I feel like I’m constantly having revelations only for them to slip through my fingers almost immediately. I don’t feel like they are racing exactly.. I feel like I struggle to come to conclusions and to hold onto them, but they disappear quickly if that makes sense. Is this common with bipolar? I’ve always been like this, but it’s gotten progressively worse with age- or at least more problematic.
My therapist also suggested I look into ADD, but I am afraid of these medications. Even some she mentioned use caffeine, but caffeine makes me very nervous and jittery to the point of tears- even small amounts like a cup of tea.
Does anyone else feel this way or has felt this way? I feel like I cannot function in my life at all. I want to manage, but I feel so lost.
Any advice, empathy, sympathy, input is welcome. Thank you for your time ❤️
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self.bipolar
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Vacation while unstable? Hi all, I have been lurking on this sub for about 2.5 weeks, after having been rediagnosed as BP2 by my new pdoc (previously diagnosed MDD Nov 2015). I’ve been hypomanic for about 6 weeks now, and just started Depakote 2 weeks ago and Latuda yesterday.
I’m supposed to fly out to New York today to visit a good friend (I live in California), but yesterday when I met with my pdoc, he wanted me to go to the hospital voluntarily so I could get my medication dosages up and going a lot quicker. He couldn’t make me go because I’m not outright suicidal, but I have been extremely irritable and impulsive the past month and a half, and he noted that my safety could easily be compromised in a different state with new stressors.
Just looking for some advice from any of you who have more experience with this than I do. My judgment is clouded, and I really don’t know what to do. My flight is at 10pm tonight if I decide to go, so I still have plenty of time to decide. TIA
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self.bipolar
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Just a shoutout to this subreddit- Everyone in this group has made my life better in some way. It’s a great community and I hope everyone is doing well.
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self.Anxiety
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Cannabis and hypomania Has anyone here had an experience of cannabis inducing a hypomanic state? I have a theory that this might happen to me. I have read just about every journal article relating cannabis and bipolar that I have access to but there is not much information out there and some conflicting perspectives. Just wondering if anyone had any similar experiences.
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self.bipolar
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I'm stuck, this has to end someday. Hey Reddit!
So,I was thinking that venting and writing down some stuff that's going on inside me can at least make me feel, something.
So a few words about me. I'm 22, I work at local hospital and I suffer from depression ever since I can remember. That's it actually, there's not much more to be said. I'd say something about my "hobbies" but, it's tough because even when I get interested in something, next day that feeling is just gone.
As I mentioned I'm fighting depression, until I was like 20 I didn't realize that it could be something more than just a bad phase. So around the time when I hit 20, I started thinking much more about my mental health, and it was easy for me to see that something isn't right. There were days when I was super motivated to get stuff done, not that often, but they ended and I was this empty shell without life again.
Since then, for last 2 years, I'm doing all I can to help myself. A month or so ago, I was pretty sure I won, I was feeling so good and everything was so bright, and here I'm again. I guess it's a cycle which I can't escape.
lost all of my friends, I live alone now and when the bad times come, it's hard for me to even get up from bed. So staying in contact with me is pretty hard. And I know it's my mistake but I'm loosing control over this. I spend days at my place, doing nothing just sleeping. I used to love video games, exercising, reading, writing. But these days it all feels like a terrible chore you want to avoid.
I was always against suicide and it never even came to my mind, but lately, I was thinking about people who did it. And I can somehow understand that depression can get you to a point when you just, give up. The funny part is that if I'd die, no one would know until they would start missing me at work. My family never calls me or anything.
I feel stuck, in this cycle of depression. I want to feel better so much but it just feels like I'm loosing this fight.
Anyways, I have to go now but I'll probably write some more later. Thanks for reading this. If anyone is going trough the same thing, stay strong and hugs for you.
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self.depression
|
Useless I'm not even in that bad if a situation but I can't fucking pick myself back up when I'm down. I just can't. I'm broken. I don't know why I'm writing this. There's no point. No hope in the world will ever save me. I'm trash. I'm lazy. I have no respect. I think too much. I'm cynical. I'm a freeloader. I'm irresponsible. The only rational response would be to tell me to stop being a bitch. But I can't. I just can't. I feel defeated. I can't take responsibikity for myself so I might as well just jump off the fucking bridge. All I do is hold everyone else back. I'm not a good enough person to pick myself up. Things are only going to get worse for me because I can't face the music. I never have good days anymore. Not one. I look at all the work ahead of me and I feel defeated already. Idk what's wrong with me but I can't afford to fnd out. Idk. Maybe I could if I applied for help from the government, but like I said I can't take responsibikity for myself. I am a lazy, broken jackass and I deserve to be dead if I'm not willing to work with life. I'm too much of a coward to do it. That's ok. Things will get bad enough one day that I'll just be on the street starving, not doing anything but begging like a piece of shit. If that's what I saw ahead of me, I might actually be motivated enough to jump.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Serious medication symptom? So I just started taking latuda a couple weeks ago for bipolar. My anxiety has gotten much worse and my mouth is extremely dry. What can I do and should I stop taking it? My doctor doesn't seem to want to discontinue it but these are becoming debilitating.
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self.bipolar
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My parents care more about me having a birthday party than I do is making me feel friendless [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Sitting in my car so I don't have to talk to my husband [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Who else literally sits around all day waiting for bedtime? [removed]
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self.depression
|
how effective is ECT treatment? My sister suffers from severe depression. She tried to end her life last week and shes in the hospital now having inpatient treatment. She is still very depressed and says things like she doesn't have anything worth living for... I try to tell her she has all of us caring for her and I will always be with her with anything she need. When she say things like that I hate myself, because I feel like maybe I'm not showing her I love her enough or something like that.. I don't know what to do.
I love her more than anything in this world... I don't know how I can show that to her.
She told me she doesn't know the reason why she's sad.. she just feels sad for no reason.
I can't lose my sister.
I talked to her doctor yesterday and he suggested we try ECT treatment for her. I didn't know too much about what it was. I tried doing some research on it and it seems to me that the biggest concern with it is memory loss. But I come across a lot of different opinions and results..
Can any of you tell me, who maybe have gone through it, how effective ECT is and if they recommend it for someone who deals with severe depression?
Thank you in advance for any help and advice.
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self.depression
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New year call I've called my best friend with best wishes on New year eve. We're living 8hs ride from each other and we see very rarely. Anyway when I called him he told me I saved his life becasue he was about to kill himself. I'm depressed for 6 years and after therapy AND on meds myself but there is one major differece between us. He was(Is) drug additct i was not. Im calling him every single minute I can get. And here's my question. How can i convince him into rehab/further therapy? He's also on meds but they dont seem to work because of drugs.
Ps. Hope you're all safe and making progress.
Pss English is not my native langueage
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self.depression
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Work triggers my depression times 100000 I get hired, I go to work for 2 hours then quit bc it just makes me want to kill Myself more then anything else
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self.depression
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I Guess I'll Just Shut Up Then Well, that's it. I can no longer speak for myself. There is not a single person on the face of the earth who genuinely wants to listen to what I have to say. I'm 14, and I already feel like life has reached its peak. I'm a guy so I'm not socially allowed to cry, so I don't do that. I have to shut up when the teacher is talking, shut up when my friends are talking, shut up when my parents are talking, and if I even bring up the topic of feeling sad, I'm just overreacting. It's either that, or just my pubescent hormones. So, I need to get this off my chest: I *am* sad. Unfortunately, those negative feelings have to go somewhere when they come to me. So they go into a deep dark place in my head, and then I never talk about them.
I'm not suicidal. At least I don't think I am, although maybe that's just me hiding the truth from myself. I have one person I could maybe talk to about this stuff, but I haven't spoken to them in a while, so I'm not sure about that. I broke up with my girlfriend six months ago, but I was the one to end it so I don't care about that, though it was nice having someone to talk to.
The worst part isn't any of that though. It's the fact that my friends probably think I'm just insensitive because of all the depressing "jokes" I make. No one cares enough to listen, so why talk? Anyway, just wanted to get that off my chest. I'm keeping it anonymous so I don't get called an attention seeker.
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self.offmychest
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This whole Thanksgiving weekend has sucked. I literally have not left my room except to go to the gym, since coming home from work on Wednesday. It is now Saturday. I miss my ex more than anything in the universe. I'm scared to log into Instagram because I have a feeling at least one of my coworkers got engaged (all of my coworkers are mid to late 20s women, most of which are in long-term relationships). When I do log into Instagram, I'm unable to stop lurking my ex's ex and comparing myself to her. I'm so hung up on a girl I don't even know. I feel like shit. I wish I had a friend whose house I could sleep over at tonight and just drink wine with and talk about boys and laugh and cry. I do have friends, but there's no one in particular I can turn to tonight.
That's all, I guess. So much for being thankful.
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self.offmychest
|
My ex told me to drink more water, and it’s stupid that he was right This is going to sound pretty dumb to some, because it’s so obvious, but that’s okay. My ex told me to drink more water (when we were together) and I always thought I drank enough water. I was wrong.
Backstory:
I’m 30, I’ve been into fitness for the last 7 years, watch what I eat, cut out alcohol, yada yada. Anyways, I got my breasts done about two weeks ago, so I’ve had a lot of down time, a lot of pain, and lots of time to think. I was having symptoms of a UTI yesterday (I know, TMI) and the best thing you can do is drink a shit ton of water to flush it out. I only drank a little over a gallon yesterday, my symptoms have nearly disappeared, my skin feels softer than it has in months, and my sinuses don’t feel congested as they usually do, and my face isn’t puffy. Good god, this is dumb. So, drink water! I’ll add to that and say not working out twice a day and not drinking alcohol contributes to the hydration, but this unintentional personal experiment was stupidly profound.
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self.offmychest
|
The story so far.. (text wall incoming) This is gonna be a big one so uh, get something to eat.
My name is Sean and I've been dealing with depression and social anxiety for just about as long as I can remember. I've come by it honestly, and will try to share just how, even though it's going to be a journey.
My parents divorced when I was about 2 years old. Mom remarried but Dad remained unwed for quite some time, having girlfriends over the years. Mom won custody so I lived with her and her new husband with dad receiving bi-weekly visitation rights every other weekend each month.
My stepfather was not a nice person to say the least. Thankfully no kind of molestation or anything happened, he just beat the crap out of me and doled out punishment for no real reason outside of he was annoyed that day. Mom was usually busy with my sister in her room with the door closed, she got the lion's share of mom's time. This home atmosphere continued until over the course of years up until mom caught him choking me and lifting me about three feet off the ground.
During that whole childhood I went through a public school system that did me absolutely zero favors, filled with students that didn't help either. I was steadily bullied by both the faculty and my peers from third grade up until I struck gold and found a school with awesome teachers and managed to graduate. To offer some examples:
I was hanging out near the door to class at recess one afternoon and this girl was being mean, making comments about my face and other such simple schoolyard crap. Thing is we were alone and standing by an air conditioner that was on at the time so most of what was said between us was inaudible. I called her a little witch in the hopes that maybe that'd drive her off but the look on her face and hurried pace into the classroom told me she heard otherwise. After recess I walk in to an army of faces staring at me in anticipation, and one in disgust as she asked me in front of the entire class if I had called this girl a Bitch. I denied it of course, trying to explain what really happened. Teacher raised her hand at me to stop and turned to the rest of the class, asking if anyone had heard the exchange. I wish I were exaggerating, the whole class raised their hands high, eager to see what fate they had condemned me to. I had to call my mom using the phone in the classroom and tell her, I was shattered.
Same grade: Went to the bathroom and while I was doing my business at a urinal a kid I sort-of knew from another class came in and immediately started to shoot water from the faucet at me. It was those kinds of faucets where you had to hold down the metal button for the water to work? he was cupping his other hand underneath and applying pressure so that it would shoot out. I asked him to stop and of course he wasn't phased and continued. After I was done I washed my hands despite being shot right in the chest with a stream of water. At one point I just had it and decided to try to give him a taste of his own medicine. He thought it was funny and soon ran off and out of the bathroom.
I was soaked, the bathroom was soaked. I thought maybe I should walk around the black-top a little bit to dry off at least to the point where my waterlogged shoes were no longer squeaking.
Upon returning to class once again I was greeted by a sea of faces staring intently right at me. I literally in my own mind said to myself 'oh god what now'. Teacher thanked me for demonstrating how not to use the bathroom, she didn't want to hear anything about another boy or how any of it started. The janitor had seen only me exit the bathroom, he then went and informed her about what I had done. I lost my lunch recesses for about two weeks, having to clean up the lunch areas of garbage.
Same Grade: During a clean up of the lunch areas during that two weeks I had found a small cardboard tray that the tiny chocolate milks came in and used that to cart around the sticky trash in bulk instead of making a dozen trips to and from trash to trash cans. Another kid I kinda knew came over to gloat at me for having to do this, i think he was in my class but i'm not sure. He started kicking me square in the shins over and over. I asked him to stop, of course he didn't, and he chased after me when I started to run. I got almost to the office before I heard behind us 'WHAT IN THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING?!'. One of the teachers notorious for being a real mean person stared right at us, and came walking over. All that trash I had in the tray? floated out during my flight from shin-harm and had littered the path for a good hundred feet.
Almost the same exact story as before, tried to explain the situation to her and she would have none of it. During the exchange the other kid would run off and leave me there. When I tried to direct the teacher's attention to him running away she just told me 'now don't you worry about him, we're talking about -YOU-'. I made motion to try and pick up the mess and she grabbed me by the ear, dragging me to the office where she would sit me down on a bench. She kinda wrenched my ear pretty hard so when she disappeared to go tell the principal about what happened I winced and rubbed on my ear.
The receptionist lady behind the front desk scowled at me and said 'Oh don't give me any of that Ow My Ear bit...'
All of that is just a slice of time in the long LONG story of my public schooling. Needless to say it melted away my innocence and I grew up fast. Stopped trusting my peers or my teachers soon after, and just became a loner that sat alone most of the time cause that's where it was safe.
I've grown up more since then and despite my best hopes adult life doesn't change many things. There's more responsibilities but the overall maturity of people and treatment of one another hasn't really improved at all.
I'm 32 now and I don't drive, I don't have a job currently, and the longest I've managed to keep one is about a year and a half or so. I'm basically a virgin still and my last relationship was 16 years ago. There were some things that happened in junior high that I don't count since she was put up to it by her friends as a joke, and they had a great laugh at how happy I looked for that brief ten minutes.
I am not a social creature and I don't get out much. I have a hard time meeting people, let alone women, and my male friends aren't exactly stellar at helping me emotionally (guys usually aren't, our support networks suck). I feel like I've missed my shot, my chance to succeed and build a life with someone. I hear all the time that 'she is out there' but after the years go by I genuinely lose faith in sentiments like those. I appreciate it and all but I think I missed out on her, didn't talk to her, didn't notice her, or what have you and screwed up my chance.
I'm so broken anyway that no one would want to deal with me anyhow. No one has so far. It'd have to be something built from the ground up and I just don't think there's many women who would be willing to do that. I'm supposed to have it all done and waiting for someone to just move in, or at least it seems that way.
I lost my latest job a few days ago and the woman I was talking to and getting to know from Whisper (yeah heh, whisper) pretty much ran once the V card hit the table.
I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know what directions to take or if they would do any good anyhow. So far I just sleep and eat and maybe play some games (my greatest hobby and escape) and then do it all over again.
At this point I'm just an observer of life around me. I'm entirely too curious about where this existence all goes to do something harmful to myself. It's kinda thin isn't it? keep going for the sake of just seeing where we all end up in the next fourty or so years.
I realize this is broken up and might be difficult to follow. It's just kind-of a brain dump so that I can put it somewhere and maybe it'll leave me alone and let me sleep. I just wanna sleep...
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self.depression
|
I don't think anything is worth living in this world. For a while now, I've held the view that we as humans just happened to be created in this world and that ultimately, nothing matters, including who lives and who dies. I used to find this comforting, but now it hurts and I can't stand it anymore.
All the good things are outweighed by the unimaginable amount of suffering everywhere. What's more is that it doesn't matter if I live or die, and if there's this much suffering, I might as well die. I've tried convincing myself otherwise, but nothing works. Nothing at all. If something makes me happy, it doesn't matter. If something makes me sad, it doesn't matter. Nothing matters at all, and nothing is worth it. I might as well die.
I'm also pretty useless to society. I'm cripplingly socially inept and don't know how to do most things that I should, things that adults are required to do (I'm 17 in four months), and I have trouble learning. I've also gotten very lazy and don't even have the motivation to go to bed before 8 am or wake up before 4 pm.
These thoughts and feelings have been festering for a while, and tonight they reached a peak because I stupidly decided to play Doki Doki Literature Club, which explicitly shows a suicide. Now I can't stop imagining killing myself.
I'm sorry if this is too long.
TL;DR: I don't think the good things matter in this world since they're outweighed by the bad things and I see no point in anything.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I really like you I really like you.
You're not my "type". You're not the most physically attractive. You're silly. I don't think most people consider you a romantic interest.
But I really, really like you. Just being around you makes me happy. I can talk to you for hours. I get so excited to see you I can barely contain it. I can't stop myself at sneaking glances at you. I need to stare, drinking in everything you are. You may not be hot but goddamn are you cute. Your personality is so magnetic. You could make me laugh effortlessly. There are days when I feel like shit and all I can think about is how much I want to talk to you because you make me feel better.
I love your smile. I love your drive. I love your honesty.
You give me butterflies when I thought that would never happen again.
I feel like I've found the difference between having a crush on someone and truly loving someone for who they are. I probably would never have a crush on you but the more I get to know you, the more I like you. The more I want to be around your smile. And the more it hurts that you'll be leaving soon.
But I'm going to enjoy every second I can while you're still here. Will I tell you how much you mean to me? I don't know. But I'll miss you. I'll be okay, but I'll miss you.
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self.offmychest
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Some days i feel okay, and i get excited and i plan cool things to do, then the next day i dont do any of those things or tasks One of the things i wanted to do, was to draw while listening to an audio book. I couldnt even muster doing something i enjoy.
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self.depression
|
A rant about Texas, gun control, and mental health. This is really bothering me, so I just need to get it off of my chest.
Ever since Trump blamed mental illness for the Texas shooting, people have been mindlessly using the term left and right. They're using it to support that gun control isn't needed, and even as insults for "liberals" and people who don't agree with them. Quite disgusting, especially since I get the vibe that they haven't the slightest knowledge on mental health and how bad it is in America. The fact they can speak on mental illness so blindly while they really dont give a shit about doing anything other than saving their argument pisses me off.
Ok, yes, people who want to kill others obviously have some chemical dysfunction in their brain. So let's make an effort to make mental health care accessible to all. It shouldn't be a privilege for someone, who cant control the chemical balance in their brain, to get help. My mother was in thousands of dollars of debt from my hospital stays as a teen. I have friends who were in immediate danger of hurting themselves, but couldn't seek help because they couldn't afford it, or their insurance would cover little to none.
If you're going to say the words "mental illness," do something about it. Raise awareness. Remove the stigma on mental illness. Advocate for our veterans suffering from PTSD, and the thousands of every day people who have various mental illnesses. Our people shouldn't feel ashamed to seek help, and our people shouldn't have to dish out hundreds of dollars because being able to function isn't a privilege. It's a human need. It's a human right.
I support the need for better gun control, but this is very much another issue that America faces in general that needs to be addressed.
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self.offmychest
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“Numb” attacks started again. They’re really long periods of time where I feel fatigued, weak, and confused, where I have no idea what to do at all, and I don’t know what I don’t know. I can’t feel any emotions during these periods. [deleted]
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self.depression
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A heartfelt moment That moment when you see someone with the semicolon tattoo and you don't ask why they have it, but you know they have struggled or know someone who has and you feel love for that person because you're going through deep shit too.
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self.bipolar
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i stopped taking my meds I've been taking lexapro for a year and they helped ease my depression and anxieties a lot. I stopped taking them because I was waiting for my refill then I had a breaking point two months back and since then I've been struggling really hard not to hurt myself. The only thing stopping me is the fear of what's comes next after death but I hate living. I just have no interest in anything. I used to have little things I'd look forward to that'd keep me going like a tv show or new album. I have great things to look forward to right now. I just don't care. I don't wanna start taking my meds again because I don't know if I want to live. I haven't decided if I wanna kill myself yet.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel like I’ve made a big mistake. So, after crying for almost half an hour, I’ve decided to come back on this subreddit in hopes of guidance.
My first post on here was basically me talking about how sad I was, and how I wanted to fix it. Well, an update to that:
Yesterday, during school, I went to the nurse because I had an irritation with my eye (it was a lash inside, so it kind of turned pink).
When I was getting my eye fixed, I told the nurse that I’ve been feeling really sad, lately.
In my defense, I was desperate for help, but truthfully, I haven’t bothered talking to my closer relatives or friends for help, since I was so insecure of even thinking about it.
And what come from that was a mini therapy session with my nurse, a stranger I don’t know at all. I did feel a sense of relief come from me, but now, I feel even more stressed out. I told my father about this, and he wasn’t mad at me, but he told me that I should be careful with my words, because I could easily get him in trouble, letting the school know that I’m depressed.
And I just recently had a panic attack, because of how terrifying I am of this situation. I don’t know if this was the most stupid decision I made, or the most relieving.
I guess the question is: how do you forgive yourself for a mistake you think you made? And what can you do to help calm yourself down? I really need feedback and help. Thank you.
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self.depression
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Everyone keeps ignoring. Everyone ignores me in real life.
Everyone ignores me online.
Goes to show how worthless I am.
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self.depression
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loss of appetite- symptom of anxiety?? Hey everyone,
To start I'd like to mention that I've never really lost my appetite from anxiety, quite the opposite I tend to eat more. The past few days i haven't had much of an appetite though, like I can eat a little bit but not like I'm used to. I'm just wondering if I should be worried about something more serious or if it's just anxiety.
Thanks in advance
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self.Anxiety
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Today I got overwhelmed Suddenly the pain exceeded my ability to cope and I almost killed myself on an impulse. Completely out of nowhere.
Anyone else go through this? I don’t feel safe in my own body.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Hot Air Balloon - One Way Trip Down the rabbit hole I go!
Anyone care to join me for the Hot Air Balloon ride? It will be my last, doesn't have to be yours.
I'm not encouraging anyone to take their own life, just asking if anyone wants to join me for the ride up. I'm going to jump once we reach the highest altitude possible. You don't have to jump, but I won't stop you.
I don't want to die alone. I'm 30 years old and have amounted to nothing in my life. I'm over it. You see people (kids) like Jake and Logan Paul making millions per year, buying mansions at 22 years of age. Yet, I work dead end, minimum wage job struggling to pay rent.
Fucken over it. I have no kids, no friends I can trust or feel comfortable with at what I've done with my life. I'm tired, tired of this life.
Join me. Explore with me, journey with me. Let's go on an adventure quest. Once I die I will get all the answers to every question I've ever asked. Once I die I will choose a new body to be reborn in, but I will make it so that I keep all of my memories of every life I've ever lived.
Join me, you've everything to loose, and potentially nothing to gain. I could be making a huge mistake, but I'm willing to take my chances.
I was fucked over in this life, but will come back with a vengeance. Join me and If I have any power in the after life I will change everything.
Or, I could just be met with emptiness, nothingness. Or maybe some of us are time travellers, and when we die we wake up in our own timelines.
I will venture into the next life regardless, anyone want to come with me up on this hot air 🎈?
Message me. Pay for your own fair though, I will not assist you in taking your own life.
Adults only.
This is my Journey through Wonderland.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I wish there was less suffering in the world. There's just too much out there. In so many forms. Hopefully things will be get better...
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self.offmychest
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How can one seek help? I've had a few issues/events in my life that were quite, let's say intense, and with a bit of acting I've managed to convince my entire family that I am perfectly ok, but the events scarred me, I am still afraid of a lot of things as a result, and if I just stay and daydream, sometimes i get flashbacks of that event, the nightmares are gone at least, but I can't speak or talk about the event, and it doesn't help that some family members bring it up as a "joke blackmail" (not towards me) and it's been a decade already since the events.
If i sense that a breakdown is incoming I know how much time i have to reach a secluded place and let it out, because I don't want to have a panic attack in front of my folks for them to fuss over and insist of going to the doc just because I have trouble breathing for 10 minutes, they have their own problems and I don't want to add to them. I keep everyone at arm’s length, I do have friends, but I don't share my fears or troubles with them, my best friend was quite insistent that I share it, but i refused even after consistent pestering. Lately I feel like it's slowly getting worse, I am tired all the time, either eat nothing all day or binge eat, and feel too tired at social events so I don't hang out with my friends to parties/events anymore.
I have also set "decompression" sessions for myself, basically letting out all emotions (usually by crying) when I feel too bad, for anywhere between 15 to 60 min at least once a week, I don't know if it's normal. I don't have money for a psychologist since I am still studying hard to get a honors degree, but the uni says they provide "counsellors" but I think those are for uni-related problems (too much work, stress etc) but I am also afraid and weary of sharing my fears and worries with a stranger whose job is to listen.
I would appreciate any advice about this, is this even depression, are psychologists really necessary/useful, how to approach the issue, what goals should I make that would help. Thanks.
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self.depression
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Dear friends, Do you ever get that feeling that your worst enemies are right, that your worst fears are true, that you said to yourself "I'll show them one day" but know in your heart that day may never come?
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self.depression
|
I wish I had someone who cares me and I can talk to Not my parents
I can’t feel any love in this family
Not my friends
I have close friends,but not that kind I can tell my secrets to
Not my teachers
I’m just one of their students
I’m not one of their friends
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self.depression
|
I think suicide in my only option. I don't know what else to do. I'm at a point in life where everything seems a lot more difficult than ever before, and it doesn't look like it will get any better. I don't have any friends. My family doesn't love me. I can't find a job. My self esteem is at an all time low, I've lost all of my friends because they think I'm pathetic. I don't see myself leading a normal life. I don't think I'll get a job, get married, have kids, etc. I've never even been friends with a girl before because they use to say cruel things to me, call me a freak, creep, loser etc.
I'm losing all my hair and it's making me self conscious about my appearance. I love my hair, it's the only thing in life I enjoy and now it's fading away. It's like having my youth stripped away from me. I don't know how much longer I can live. My self esteem feels destroyed and I think about suicide everyday. I haven't made any plans yet. I've been self harming and crying almost everyday. I hate everything and want it to end.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is Prozac giving anyone mild man boobs? Prozac is doing wonders for me, but have this mild side effect of gynecomastia, I feel.
Any guys on the same boat? What did you do about it?
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self.depression
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I'm bipolar "Oh, but you don't look like it"
Thanks I guess
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self.bipolar
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I wanna text my ex She the only person I was in a relationship with, she was my first girlfriend. We dated for 2 months back in 2015 from September 15th my bday) to Thanksgiving
We left on the worst terms possible
But I just feel like I should text her anyways because I’m so lonely
Idk
I wish I could get drunk alone or something
Help
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self.SuicideWatch
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My friend choose suicide.. hello, i wish i was here for a better reason.. my friend just died last night he hang himself I'm completely heart broken.. Why did he do it? Was there anything I could have done? I still can't believe he is dead even if I have just seen his body minutes ago. All it looks to me is that he is sleeping. I wasn't expecting this it was so sudden he was 23 years old, and just got his dream job.. Why have you done this.. This questions are killing me..
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self.SuicideWatch
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Sadness and anger are taking over my life, and no one around me cares about it This is gonna be jumbled and long.
Things haven’t really been going great for me, but they also haven’t been bad. Near the end of my sophomore year in high school I had completely lost all of my friends and was left alone to my thoughts despite practically begging my friends to not leave me alone and to have some support. I was quickly spiraling downwards to the point of no return. I was extremely suicidal and filled with anger because I felt like so many people I know have let me down that I wanted revenge. Even now, I fantasize about killing myself and leaving a note that would slap everyone in the face to make them realize just how shitty they are.
I kept to myself and eventually started to feel somewhat better considering just how bad things were. At the start of the new year I had made a few new friends, but I still felt like I didn’t belong and like I couldn’t really connect with anyone. Some stupid shit happened where I tried to validate myself by getting into a half-relationship (where we did couple stuff but weren’t really a thing yet) with some dude who had a crush on me but I didn’t like him back because I didn’t feel like I could like anyone at all, even platonically. Anyway that ended and I ended up losing the few friends I made at the start of the year so I’m completely alone yet again and I’m just wallowing in self pity because I’m doing this to myself. I’m the only thing that’s preventing me from making friends or having any sort of real feelings or connection with someone.
This year also happened to be the year where I started to recognize and come to terms with my past trauma. Slowly but surely memories of my childhood are coming back, and of course the memory of my father telling me I’m “the root of all suffering” came back around the time things with that guy ended. I ended up having a breakdown where I called my closest friend (at the time) and screamed and sobbed on the phone for about an hour, saying that everything that has ever gone wrong is my fault. I then started remembering all the times i attempted to run away when I wasn’t even out of middle school, all the times I was manhandled by family members, and remembered that my obsession with death and suffering has been a part of me since I was really young. I thought that with all of this coming back to me, now is the best time to try to do something about it, so I went to see my therapist.
But she completely invalidated me. She told me that the things I’m feeling are due to “teenage hormones” (I’m 17F) and that I just need to ride this stuff out until they balance themselves out. I left feeling so heartbroken because I was so sure that what I feel isn’t normal for people my age. She told me my intrusive thoughts were something that every teenager had and that I’m making all this stuff up to get attention and fit into my family (nearly everyone in my family has anxiety or depression. My sister has BPD). I had no idea how to feel or what to think because all I could think about was how badly I wanted to kill myself but also how I wanted to make everyone else around me pay for making me feel this way. I kept going back and forth between feeling love towards them and hating them with my entire being. I ended up starving myself for nearly two weeks, living off of water, vitamin pills, and maybe ice cream if I could stomach it.
But despite all of this, I wouldn’t say my life is that bad. I make good grades and I don’t have to worry about money for the most part despite my parents upcoming divorce. I’ve been lucky enough to be brought up in a safe neighborhood and I have plenty of amazing opportunities within my reach. But I just feel like I can’t take them because I don’t care enough about everything around me and I would just mess things up.
I feel so worthless and embarrassed and completely overloaded with life. I hate people touching me because part of me thinks they’re going to hurt me. I also crave touch because I haven’t felt true affection in years. I’m so sick of making myself feel sick and messing things up for myself because I feel like I deserve it. I feel like humanity as a whole is disgusting because people completely ignore the people suffering around them because “it’s too much work” and “I don’t want your negativity in my life.”
I’m so tired. I shouldn’t be nearly this hopeless as a 17 year old. I have no more faith in the people around me and I feel like I am destined to live a life in isolation because I ruin everything good that comes my way. All I want is for someone to tell me that they’ll support me and for me to actually believe them. I’ll cry when that day comes.
Sorry this ended up being so long. I haven’t had the chance to dump my feelings anywhere in a while.
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self.depression
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I'll be spending Christmas alone for the first time this year and I'm so sad about it. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Lexapro hypomania even with a mood stabiliser? So I started 10mg Lexapro today on top of 200mg Lamictal and 300mg Wellbutrin for some breakthrough anxiety and depression, probably due to working through some really tough shit in therapy. I've been taking the latter two for a few years at the same dosage, and was diagnosed bipolar II after a brief spell in the hospital for a particularly wild nosedive from hypomania into severe depression.
I'm already feeling the hypo warning signs that make me go ALERT ALERT INCOMING HYPOMANIA -- I'm super confident, want to go make plans with everyone, going a mile a minute, rambling, and fighting the urge to hop on Amazon and get a bunch of stuff I don't need for all the 15 different hobbies I've picked up and put down during my hypo episodes before I was well medicated.
I'm really perplexed because a) this came on *fast* and b) I'm already on a mood stabiliser. I've suspected for a little while that it's stopped working, but even so, the only info I've seen for SSRI-induced (hypo)mania says it occurs during SSRI monotherapy. I've taken SSRIs before and was a degree of hypomanic on them too now that I look back on it (I couldn't recognise it at the time; I was still undiagnosed), so it wouldn't surprise me if the same deal is happening. But all the science I've seen says it shouldn't.
Has anyone either experienced this or know of a situation where someone slingshotted from depression into hypomania due to an SSRI while also taking a mood stabiliser?
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self.bipolar
|
I mixed hot choco and coffee together... And it was exactly how I always thought coffee should taste.
At my job there's this fancy vending machine. One does candy bars and drinks, the other serves hot drinks in these small-ass cups (I think less than 100ml (3.3 oz). The damn rascal always fills up half the cup, regardless of what drink you select.
So I said fuck it and selected plain coffee, then did double milk chocolate. After combining them it was exactly one small cup full, and my god it tasted amazing (total of 60 cents). I don't even drink or like coffee ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
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self.offmychest
|
Will I ever get better? Every now and then I drop by to this sub and write what I feel. It's been 3-4 years and I still feel the same way as before. Still in the same situation with even worse hope for myself. Wavering self-confidence and non-existent self care. I hope one day I can come back to this sub as someone who can help instead of one needing help.
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self.depression
|
Its Not Worth Living AnyMore... Hi, My Name is Sebastian. im 19 gay and single... my whole life i was abused harrased bullied and made fun of, at the age of 6 my dad raped me, im not here to look for pitty, im here cause this is it for me... im writting my goodbyes to people who might actually care.
So i live in washington.. and i have lost everything i hold dear and everything that is close to me, all because im gay, my best friend found out and just comepletely fucking left me..... im so done with everything, i have no one to hang with, no one to chill smoke, anything its not worth it anymore... thats why.. in 2 days after my friends birthday im going to shoot myself... i have the gun for those of you who don't belive me and think im trolling... at this point ill even live stream it... i dont care anymore
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I’m never lowballing myself ever again For the past five years I’ve been hustling my ass off at work and not making as much money or getting as much recognition as i should. This is due to my overly nice nature. I’m not the type to enjoy conflict or confrontation and it has cost me probably many thousands of dollars over the course of the years. I’m done with that. I’ve been taken advantage of for far too long and although i enjoy being nice and compassionate, I’m not going to be doing it any longer in a professional setting. The truth is that a lifetime of being raised by an abusive alcoholic mother has given me chronic low self-esteem, ans instilled me with approval seeking behaviors. I desire for as little conflict as possible in my day-to-day relations. I crave stability and security wherever I am. But stability does not lead to growth and I realize that now. I need more money, I want a title and i want a bigger paycheck. The only way I can get that is by fighting for it, fighting for myself. I am worth more than what i give myself and what others give me. 33/f
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self.offmychest
|
Beginning to think I should walk away. Tuesday and Wednesday, you tell me your loneliness starts when you walk through our front door. Even though you complain / vent to me for between 5 to 20 minutes each night about your job, it’s nothing outside our walls that is the issue. You’re in a loveless relationship and you’re not connected to your children. You resent any suggestion that you could be less lonely by being more friendly with people who want to be your friends. You tell me that I am the cause of your loneliness. You tell me that you’re moving out, that you deserve better, that you can’t live here any more.
Thursday, you tell me that you thought I was the cause of your loneliness, but you were wrong. It was seven year old you, sitting lonely and sad on your stoop, eating a raw potato. You tell me that it all stems from those awful childhood experiences.
You didn’t apologise, though, or even acknowledge that I might have felt pain as a result of your accusations. I did feel pain. As I often do after you lecture me when you’re drunk, I feel gutted and despondent. So yeah, thanks. I’m glad you get that I’m not the sole cause of your issues. Until the next time you change your mind.
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self.offmychest
|
At what point did you start getting medicated for anxiety? So I’ve been diagnosed bipolar for about a year and a half now. I would have weird flares of anxiety attacks that I used to contribute to school until I dropped out. Then I contributed it to visiting my inlaws when I ran out of medication. Now they’re back. I’m suppose to be changing medications next week and for the last couple months my anxiety has gone through the roof. It started out as just elevated anxiety levels and I thought it was just because I made a big move and I didn’t know the area or have any friends. I’ve been here a few months now so those two problems aren’t valid anymore, but now I’m having multiple anxiety attacks a day almost every day for the last few weeks. Is it time to get medication for it?
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self.Anxiety
|
No family, no hopes, no money. Hi, everyone.
I thank you in advance for reading this post.
I feel trapped, I don't know what to do. Today I realized the fact of no longer having a family. My mom has a really rare type of cancer, my dad abandoned us when I was 1 year old, so I don't know anything about him.
I haven't graduated college yet, I work to sustain myself, pay rent and food, while trying to finish my career and get my degree. But, my extended relatives who used to support me financially (since my mom never did it) insulted me for not spengind New Year's Eve with them. I got to live in another city because of my studies, and I am glad because I don't live with them anymore.
I didn't do it for the sake of my mental health, I constantly get verbally and physically abused by those relatives and that has been like that since I was born. My aunt even tried to kill me.
They didn't care about my depression, anxiety or suicide attempts.
Depression started for me since I was 12, today I am 22. I have battling with disease alone, no meds, got therapy just twice because I couldn't afford more, but still they say I have no right to complain since "they had horrible childhoods and I didn't have to sell anything on the streets".
I am really scared because I am afraid of losing my job and I don't want them to hurt me. I don't know what to do if I lose my job, I don't have close friends and my boyfriend is poor and still lives with his parents
Any advice or opinion? I need help. Thank you. :)
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self.depression
|
I feel like I'm slowly hurting myself I believe I've been mildly depressed for quite a while. Maybe at times moderately depressed. I've been on disability for years now, but never during this time have I exercised so little (barely at all), and eaten so poorly. Within this year my Seroquel XR dose went from a seemingly weight neutral 350 mg to a definitely not weight neutral 600 mg. At times I've struggled with Geodon withdrawal, but that has seemed even more bothersome since my Seroquel XR dose was increased so much (because of Geodon lowering).
During the last few weeks I've been in bed 90% of the time, although I'm on my laptop during some of it. I've been neglecting my self-care for a long-time now. I've been struggling to give my pet bird proper attention.
My husband booked a week long trip away for Thanksgiving. It's going to be a struggle to out and about so much more time than I'm used to. Then my husband is going to Europe by himself for business for 9 days. I will be home alone during that time. I'm trying to plan some people to visit and me to do things, but I'm afraid that other than the people visiting, I may do very few of the other things. I will see my pdoc and tdoc that week. I made sure of it.
I'm not deliberately trying to hurt myself, but I just am.
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self.bipolar
|
need advice on how to talk to loved ones i (24M) never could really speak to loved ones about anything in my life. i keep everything very shallow and don't allow them or anyone to really get to know me.
i have never had a girlfriend either, just want to put that out there. i want on but am not able to open up to people and be vulnerable. I really want one but nervous about being judged at first. I freeze up and never know how to act so I lose out everytime I am in a situation.
What do normal in depth conversations look like with parents and what do they look like a month or two after meeting a significant other?
If I could get some advice on my parent, girlfriend issues, that would be great.
thanks
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self.offmychest
|
Don't ignore your Anxiety: a cautionary tale The problem with anxiety is that it snowballs, avoiding your problems always makes things worse and following that mantra my entire life I’ve fallen into a rabbit hole of problems that I’m only now just figuring out how to deal with.
For as long as I can remember I’ve gotten upset or worried about the dumbest things, and nobody ever understood of course, in fact I’d just get yelled at for being silly. When I was a kid I hated getting my hair cut so much I would cry and scream at the very thought of it. In classic fashion I hated presenting anything, speaking in front of people. I was told for the longest time this is just something that disappears once you build up confidence, but it didn’t. I never got better at it, I never even considered it as a problem, I always thought “Oh I just need to keep throwing myself at these painful situations maybe I’ll get used to them” and my entire body and chest would be consumed with dread and worry for days at a time.
Naturally, I avoid resistance so as not to make more problems for myself. I tried to be normal and do normal things, what's more normal than going to University?
A majority of this website is American, so let me explain this to you: British culture is completely cutthroat. Being “normal” includes alcoholism, abuse and misery. British University is unlike anything I’ve ever seen, I expected an academic situation where I could just get on and do my work by the people there are fucking sharks like you wouldn’t believe. I’m very much not accepted for the sheer fact that I am occasionally uncomfortable in social situations, and this makes me weird. University demands you to be social. People do not comprehend the idea of mental health problems at all. Not going places because of anxiety? You’re lazy, fuck you. Feel bad. What’s wrong with you? Why can’t you just do X, it’s not that hard?
To cut a long story short, I failed because I didn't attend my lectures because my anxiety would overwhelm me everytime. I failed my first year, tried my best and passed it a second time and then finally in my 2nd year I just succumbed to myself and gave up. I got kicked out, even now typing this it's hard not to tell myself "You're just making excuses, you're just a lazy piece of shit."
From this point I had no income, anxiety wouldn’t even see me at a job interview and I still hadn’t told anybody I’d dropped out. I sat around in the same rented house living off of debt because I was too scared to go home and face the music of my colossal fuck up. My landlord was knocking constantly because I owed him ridiculous amounts of money which I couldn’t pay. I knew about benefits for unemployed people, was too anxious to apply. I sat in my self-made hell hole for a full 5 months before I finally got evicted and had to move home. Anxiety just locked me up, I was unable to do anything so much as eat and sleep.
I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that these feelings will never leave me just by trying to brute force myself to be normal, and I’m trying to get help. I’m just upset that it took me this long to come to terms with it, because now I have £3k in immediate debt that needs to be paid off and £32k student loan debt for a degree I never even got. My life is basically financially a wreck, and I will never be able to make anything of myself with no qualifications and this burden to carry forever.
I've been working in an IT job for 4 months now with a boss who is very considerate of my problems despite the fact he doesn't need to be. So, I guess you could say I have some kind of a "happy ending" if by "happy" you mean I'm not homeless. I'm just working at minimum wage and slowly paying off all this money I owe to very angry rich people who don't even need it. I'll be doing this for the rest of my life, and while I'm still miserable at least I can finally tackle this problem the correct way: Slowly.
So, this is a cautionary tale for those of you who are young and have people surrounding you saying you’re just being silly / an attention whore: Don’t listen to them. If you feel like you need the help, get it. I spent my whole life ignoring my problems and look where it got me, don’t be like me. Talk to someone.
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self.Anxiety
|
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