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Starting lithium after 7 years. What should I expect? Hey everyone, I’ve been on a long journey with lots of doctors trying to figure out a diagnosis for me. It’s been hard because my symptoms keep changing as soon as medication starts working. I have finally been diagnosed with BP2 after years of my symptoms progressing and dying different medications.
I am switching to lithium and ability with clonazepam and imovane for sleep and anxiety. I’m hopeful that this will be the final med switch (after trying almost 20 different ones...ugh) and that I will finally start to feel stable.
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self.bipolar
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Delusions and anxiety I can’t figure out whether i’m perceiving situations the wrong way because of anxiety because i’m reading in to things way too much, or if the things that i believe in are actually happening to me.
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self.Anxiety
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Please help me. My girlfriend of 2 years broke up with me a month ago. I messed up, I took her for granted and I had no idea how much she meant to me. I didn't care about her like I should have, I didn't care for her goals, ambitions or ideas. I was selfish. Now it came back to hurt me in a major way. Since the breakup I've lost all interest in everything I used to care about before. I can't eat, I can't breathe properly anymore and I have trouble concentrating. I feel like I have nothing to live for anymore. My sweethart is the only thing I want right now and have wanted for the past month. But it's getting worse by the day. I think I might be depressed. The thought of suicide is recurring very often throughout the day. My girlfriend was the only thing that I was proud of, I love her so much it's hard to put it in words. I don't know what I should do...
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self.SuicideWatch
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How to come to terms with childhood trauma and how to go about repairing it? I have had severe anxiety and attachment issues since I can remember. Then again, my childhood before everything fell apart is a blur now.
I can't get close to anyone. The one person I have gotten close to I'm borderline obsessively close to them. I get viciously overprotective of him, hurt and backstabbed feeling when he goes out, and angry when other people try to get close to him, as if he's mine or something. Other people I just can't get close to. I shove them away and I subconsciously refuse to trust them, and I sort of traced this all back to how I was abandoned a lot as a child through no fault of anyone. (Long story - brother got cancer, mother kind of ignored me due to brother being dying and all, sister(only person I could talk to) ran away from home due to stress and love and stuff.)
The other issue being that I can't deal with being yelled at by someone above me. It sends me into a series of wildly erratic panic attacks, hysteria and snottiness as if I were a 5 year old being grounded.
Things like my boyfriends father yelling at me, or a boss/teacher/etc make me pinch the back of my hand until it bleeds or bite my tongue until it's numb etc to try to distract myself from the onset of anxiety and I can't stop it happening. Thanks dad, loved living with you.
My question is - I can see the root of these issues, how do I come to terms with childhood trauma and start repairing myself? I'm tired of things like speaking to a clerk in a store being monumentally difficult steps for me. I don't want to be incapable of existing without someone holding my hand through it all like a child.
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self.Anxiety
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Afraid of getting a blood test. I have been struggling with major fatigue and my doctor requested a blood test. I have never had one in my life and the thought of it scares me and makes me faint.
I’m 23, and I’ve been avoiding it. I even avoid flu shots.
Help guys
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self.Anxiety
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Spending out of control, how to talk about it with spouse? For those of you with partners, how do you help them understand why you sometimes spend way too much money? Like I just spend $500 on Christmas gift last night in under 2 hrs. Then my husband freaked out and I cancelled all the orders (thank god for Amazon). He doesn’t seem to understand it’s part of the illness. And I need help with ways to control it.
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self.bipolar
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It's -10F today and I turn 30 this weekend [deleted]
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self.depression
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Helloooo echooo echooo Hi umm i don’t know who’s gonna read this. Anywho I’m drinking wine and I’m super lonely. I’m craving attention and not the healthy attention either 😕. Pretty bad. And I’m also stuck in my head. I’m scared of being alone and I think everyone hates me. And I’m a used up woman. I keep referring back to my dark past. It’s not good. I’m 24 years old I’m a woman and I’m shy and socially inclined. I have depression. And I try my best to live. I have trust issues and hate love. I hope to one day open that chamber up again but idk when that will be. Right now I’m outside on top of my car laying watching the stars. I’m content. But I’m also thinking “what if” or “man I’m such a loser” just stupid sentences. I would love to accept being alone and be content with myself but it’s just something I keep trying over and over again. I really wanna watch Wayne’s world. It’s my favorite movie of all time. If I could meet a guy like Garth or Wayne I’d die lol. I live in a small stupid hick town everyone here is drunk or having babies left and right. I just have a different idea of my life and I’d want to be stable. Mentally and physically oh... and financially. Can’t forget those dollars 💵. I really need a better candle the one in my room is dead and smells like farts. I want like a vanilla one. French vanilla. Ughh I’m talking about nothings. I’ve had a bad sexual past and up until august 2016 I’ve stopped trying or doing anything. I do nothing but end up hurting people and myself. So I basically got exhausted from sex and giving my body to countless shit heads not to mention older men. I went into a spiraling depression and I hit rock bottom I guess that’s the best way to put it. Blahhh it’s hard.... it really is. Trying to stay out of your negative mind of state and replace it with positive aspects. I’m afraid I’ll never again try to love. Because I’ve already abused it enough. I hope one day it’ll all come back but for now I’m just truckin along as a weird tangible woman of god. I’m a Christian also. But I don’t act like a bible thumping Christian. I’ve made whopper mistakes and I’ve been hurt. It’s tough. It’s like I’m split in half. The devil and the angel in the room. In a split personality that’s what it is. I want respect but at the same time I am edgy and like to drank beer and watch stupid movies and cast out in the night of darkness. Ugh I don’t even know if that made any sense. Ok. There it is. Bye.
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self.Anxiety
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Happy Thanksgiving, here's a dead baby. Yeah I'm fucking pissed. I'm fucking pissed that my ex left me for some other little brat. I'm pissed that I got pregnant. I'm pissed that I miscarried. I'm fucking pissed that I was in pain for days and couldn't show it. I'm fucking pissed that I can't tell anyone in my family because then it's God punishing me like fucking King David's side hoe. I'm fucking pissed that my sister isn't okay. I'm fucking pissed that I have to pretend to be a tough fucking cookie because my family is just straight up nuts. I'm fucking pissed that I'm so fucking sad all the goddamn time. I'm pissed that my ex called my baby a clump of cells. I'm fucking pissed that I need to take care of my nephews because my sister is a wreck. I'm fucking pissed because I need a fucking hug and someone to tell me I'm a pretty fucking princess. I'm fucking pissed because I want to cry but I'm so mad at myself, God, the world, and everyone in it that I can't even let my emotions out. All I am is mad. I'm fucking mad. I need a fucking break from everything shitty. I need a win.
I'm fucking pissed, but I'm really only this pissed because I'm so fucking sad and I'm so fucking tired. The second I miscarried was the second I stopped believing that the world was generally good and that everything would be okay. It's not. Everything sucks forever and there no point in being nice and helping people because you always end up fucking pissed and fucking used and fucking sad and fucking alone anyway.
There's literally no point. Who gives a shit. That girl was mean to you? Fuck her. That guy cheated on you? Who gives a shit, find another. Your parents beat the shit out of you? Leave. Stay, take the hit and go get high. You failed a class? Take it again, drop out, it's your life. Your boyfriend fucking leaves you and you miscarry the fucking baby he called a clump of cells? WHO THE FUCK KNOWS AND WHO THE FUCK CARES. I'm going to go make Thanksgiving because I'm a fucking good cook, and I'll make all the dessert, and I'll decorate, I'll entertain the 30 people that are coming, I'll smile and look perfect, and after that I'll clean. Then I'm going to fucking cry because I hate my life and I don't want to do any of this stupid ass fucking shit anymore because I was pregnant and now I'm not. I'm fucking alone.
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self.offmychest
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Depression I think for the most part I've been depressed for the better part of 6 years. I can still live but its just brutally painful honestly. Its like a constant feeling of loneliness, despair, and low self esteem. I dont know how to go about getting help. Has anyone been through similar? I don't want to live this way anymore.
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self.depression
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I hate my father He never really talks to me, even if he does its not a really a long conversation.
He never said something like: "Im proud of you."
Its like he doesnt even want me to be his son.
I hate when he drinks, because once, he said that he is going to kill himself, he always sings and whistles when he drinks and listens to music. I hate this. I just want him to stop doing these things.
He always yells.
I wanted to kill him after the day when he said he is going to kill himself. I just cant forget that day...
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self.depression
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I don’t even know, it’s just my rant again. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Good luck to everyone today I have a fairly judgemental family. No where near as bad as it has been for others but just wanted to wish everyone a good time. Hopefully your family is on the more welcoming helpful side than the gossiping judgemental side.
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self.bipolar
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I wanna try to kill myself because at least then people will take me seriously
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anxiety on Cleanliness (OCD?) Hey all! 👋🏼 Just joined this subreddit. I am glad there’s an online community of folks who also suffer from anxiety. Glad I am not alone.
I have suffered from anxiety since I was a teenager and only recently been diagnosed and treated for OCD and anxiety with a professional therapist earlier this year. Great sessions and I feel like I have dramatically improved myself! In fact my anxiety and OCD situations have greatly been reduced. Success!
Here’s the story. It’s winter and it was time to wash up my quilt (duvet) as it’s been storage gathering dust. Brought to the laundrette. A week after I was washing my bedroom floor and the mop touched my bed’s naked quilt (duvet). Bear in mind that this same mop was used to clean vomit up a months ago so it’s supposed to be clean. However, it prompted me to bring the quilt to the laundry place and have it washed again. I tried resisting it but had constant chest pains due to the anxiety.
Yesterday, it happened again. I was cleaning the floor and the same mop touched the quilt again. This time the quilt had a cover on it. This triggered anxiety and chest pains. Now, I am constantly debating whether or not to bring it to the laundrette.
I am trying to apply exposure and the theory A and theory B methods to it. I can’t look for reassurance as that’s a big “no no” for OCD sufferers. 😉 I just wanted to share my story and hopefully get some advise from you guys.
Happy week ahead!
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self.Anxiety
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I’m looking for thoughts and opinions on anxiety blankets. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Seriously, fuck the human race and fuck human nature FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK
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self.depression
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Giving Up I've been trying for a very long time to fight this thing. I have not ever been successful. I'm not super old, but I think I'm older than most of the people on this sub, so this is after some careful reflection and experience. I have given up, and will not fight anymore.
I don't mean I'm going to end things necessarily, just that I've accepted I'm never going to feel any better, ever. It's liberating, in a way. I've stopped psychotherapy, as it hasn't helped, and only made me feel like more of a failure. I may also start to wean off of my medication protocol, but I haven't decided yet.
I have no joy in my life. I cannot experience pleasure or desire. I am empty inside. I only feel guilt, depression, anger, and pain. Stopping this will at least end the continued disappointment.
I will be able to put on a brave face for everyone, and fake things, for the rest of my life. It's not much different from what I'm doing now.
Thanks for reading. I don't suggest this as a course of action, in general. I just don't have anything better.
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self.depression
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The shadow is never quite gone Some days I’m completely in pitch-black darkness. Some days it’s brighter, and I almost forget about the shadow that follows me around, sewn to my feet. Almost.
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self.depression
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Snapping out of it I'm stuck in this weird mental state of mind for a while that I am unable to get out of. I don't know how to snap out of it. What works for you?
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self.Anxiety
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Anyone else sent into a depressive spiralling black hole whenever something remotely good happens to them? It hurts more than the bad stuff.
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self.depression
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Escaping the Darkness Throughout my teens and my twenties, I had crippling depression. Day after day, I would just lie in bed, crying and/or sleeping, only getting up to use the restroom. My then-husband would lovingly badger me until I complied with basic tasks. He would sit with me, hold me, help me bathe, make me eat and drink, etc. He helped me exist long enough that I was able to find and claw my way out of the darkness.
Years later, I am nearing forty, and I have chronic pain that my doctors believe will never go away. The pain medicine helps, and I have more good days than bad ones, but the darkness still manages to find me. It would be so easy for me to end it, by taking all of my pain medication at once. Sometimes I have my boyfriend hide my pills. I don't want to hurt myself, and I don't think I really want to die. I just want the pain to end, and knowing how to stop it forever is so tempting. I feel like I escaped the darkness, only to have it chasing me down again.
I will say, though, regardless of my current situation, I feel fortunate that I never succeeded in ending my life. I can always choose to kill myself next week, but I cannot change my mind once I do.
Thank you for reading this. Please feel free to ask me any questions or share your thoughts.
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self.SuicideWatch
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i can’t make friends because i’m depressed, i’m depressed because i can’t make friends [deleted]
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self.depression
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I hate feeling this way I don’t want to seem like a POS for saying this but I don’t like my boyfriend’s mom. I know that’s someone I can’t rid of (I’m not trying to nor do I want to). She’s very controlling, manipulative, and will throw tantrums when she can’t get her way. She can be nice but the way she behaves is ridiculous and my boyfriend got upset and said I was disrespectful to his family for saying they’re ridiculous because of the way they were acting today. Now he’s mad at me all the way in another state and has completely shunned me for the night. I don’t want to just tell him I don’t like her, other people tell me I should have the conversation with him, but I don’t want to be foul or sound awful or push him away completely because of it... I also don’t want to break up with him over the way his family can act but it’s driving me nuts and I’m starting to lose patience. He has complained about her and his family almost everyday since we’ve been together and I try to be there for him as a listening ear since not too many people are there for him but I can’t take it anymore. Help.
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self.offmychest
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I said the wrong thing to a girl i really like, im panicking She officially became my girlfriend a couple days ago but today she dropped this question, would you still like me if I was ugly.
I answered not well
Then she left and said she had to go and that she'd text me later. (We're long distance) I'm panicking. I really really like her
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self.Anxiety
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. Hi everyone. It's 5am, lying in bed and can't fall asleep. A million thoughts in my head but at the same time my mind is blank. Wonder if anyone has thought about me lately?
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self.depression
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I️ think I’m about to kill myself I’ve hit a wall and feel like there’s nothing left. The only thing I’ve ever really wanted out of life is to love someone that loves me too, and that seems impossible.
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self.depression
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I'm thinking about signing myself in to a mental hospital. All I can think about every minute of every day is either wanting to kill myself or wanting to cut myself. I only get to see my psychiatrist once every six months because the NHS is lacking psychiatrists. As a result my psychiatrist has too many patients which means he can only see me twice a year. When I do see him the encounter is a brief 20 minutes to make sure I'm still alive and then he sends me on my way. This has been hell because I feel myself getting worse with each passing day and I honestly don't see myself making it much longer. The only thing stopping me from doing it right now is the fact that I don't want to ruin my family's Christmas. I really need help and I think the only way I'm going to get the help I need is if I'm admitted to a mental hospital. I'm absolutely terrified of mental hospitals and I probably won't go through with it because I'm a massive pussy. Is it a good idea?
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self.depression
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Whats there thats equivalent to Lamotrigine In that it would help for depression. I find it pretty good, pretty affective. But the problem is that its affecting my skin. My groin is becoming smelly, sticky, itchy and im getting rashes on my back and creases.
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self.bipolar
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Anyone else want to kill yourself slowly over time? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Everything is too much Have someone of you has experienced that period of time when everything is too much? like you can't deal with it. depression, stress, anxiety takes away all your energy but besides that you have university, friends and your loved ones. at the end you understand that people takes away all your energy, you wanna be all alone in your bed, no noises or people. I feel like i don't even have a strength to cry or be mad or what else.
My dream is just to take a gap year.. relax, pay attention to my health and get well finally, because when you have university which takes a lot of your free time too, you don't have any time for example going to see doctors, be calm, etc to get well soon but the thing is my parents are too obsessed with university, that I have to go there bla bla bla but I know that sooner or later I will get ever more worse if I won't stop and just be 24/7 stressed. this all situation makes me sick and i really don't know what to do. this depression, anxiety thing is hell! have someone has had similar situation? what did you do guys, what helped?
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self.depression
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A long December Posting this because I needed somewhere to get it off my chest. My depression has been a part of my life for the longest time. The past year or so, I have reached deeper lows than ever before. And of course, it seems to be in full force this time of year. Generally speaking, I've managed to cope with it by keeping myself busy- mostly by immersing myself in my work. It would be fair to say that I've been running from it.
In addition to my baseline feelings, 2017 threw a lot at me. I'll spare you the details but I had just been knocked down quite a bit. But, I've just tried to keep on keeping on. I take my Zoloft, I get up in the morning and do my best to face the world. I just try to keep as busy as possible.
I was getting by... until the beginning of December- I fell from the second story of my house, off a ladder. Fortunately, the injuries weren't too bad. However, it was bad enough that I've needed surgery, and I've been on bed rest ever since. Out of work, and any other activities.
Stuck.
Nowhere to run, confronted by these demons of loneliness and sadness and emptiness...
The whole year has just come back, rushing in like a flood. Oh yea, and of course there's lots of physical pain too, I'm sure you can imagine. I'm so done with 2017. I have some optimism for better things in 2018.
I haven't shared this with anyone, because I haven't been able figure out how. Even this little bit that I've written- I'm not sure if it even makes any sense. I'm sure I'll be okay- I'll keep on keeping on.
I just needed to share this... Thanks for reading, happy new year.
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self.depression
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This Polar Vortex Just Made my anxiety so bad So, a little bit of background first. I’ve always hated the city I grew up in but my parents didn’t want me to go far for college due to my anxiety problems. I spent my first semester away from home but had a horrible experience, spent my next semester at a commuter college, spent the next semester helping my moms mom in Hawaii for a little while taking online classes, and next semester I’m going to get an apartment 30 minutes away from my parents. I’m currently studying for a masters in Marketing with a double minor in professional writing and environmental science. I have been working for 4 different newspapers for about a year now, making some money. Not a lot, but some.
Last night I feel like I had some sort of mid life crisis. I feel so bored with my life. For some reason, I have given myself these options for life right now—
1) say fuck it and join the army. Atleast I’ll be able to travel. 2) I’ve always wanted to be an actress. I have no experience with it but want to so bad. I have no clue where to start. I feel too old to start. 3) look for jobs where I want to live, email these publishing companies to see if they have openings. But I feel like I won’t make enough money in the writing field.
I feel like I’m having a panic attack as I’m writing this. Has anyone had a similar experience of feeling lost and hopeless? Any advice?
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self.Anxiety
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My therapist told me to call her When I feel suicidal again. Not because she cares about me apparently...
Her exact words were: Because that's what pays my bills.
I'm glad that you get something out of people their calls. Sadly it's not the right thing for the right reasons.
This makes me want to do it even more.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why do I feel sad wen I’m at my dads house? [deleted]
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self.depression
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[help] I feel like a fake. I can’t shake the feeling that I don’t deserve my accomplishments or that, if I do, they don’t matter. I dunno guys. I feel like nothing I do can ever be good enough, that I’m undeserving of praise. Anyone else get that feeling? What do you do about it?
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self.Anxiety
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Some thoughts, nothing urgent I have mixed feelings about suicide. I find comfort in the thought of ending my life if it gets unbearable. It would also give me the opportunity to show my father how miserable he has made since my early childhood and avenge it by making him in turn feel bad. Yet I’m loathe to be remembered as a loser and I feel responsible for keeping all problems in the family. Murder-suicide is therefore not an option, despite its appeal.
The only painless method of suicide I have access to is to put my neck on the rails for the coming train, but that would be traumatizing to the innocent. If I could get aroung my fear of drowning that would have the added benefit of giving a way of disposing of the body without anyone finding it.
At the moment I’m able to think about suicide fairly rationally. When I’m most likely to commit I’m in an emotional tumoil and can’t think straight. Last Friday was dangerous. I a mess and waiting for the subway. I waited as far from the tracks as I could and did my best to numb my feelings. Right now I don’t really care about the reasons behind my suicidal thoughts, but they come back like a flash flood and I need to get somewhere safe.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Think I’m in/extremely close to mania Been strung out on adderall for the past 3 days. Probably napped for 10 minutes. Probably only ate 1 meal and a couple yogurts, should get some watef. My mind is going a mile a minute. Currently in school. Can’t leave due to after school licensing exam practice. I feel like everybody is watching me. I’m hot as fuck even though it’s november in the north east. Been chatting on reddit and reading every single new post on this sub. Gonna go get water now. Midssed meds entirely first day, missed seroquel last night.
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self.bipolar
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I was invited for the first time in my life to a club and my parents still hindered me It could've been so fucking good! I mean for fucks sake, it was VIP list and shit, the club seemed great and the people terribly open and friendly, but my fucking mom was all like "Uh yo gon get robbed and beaten!". For fucks sake, we are in the safest city in motherfucking Europe! And I am a 2m tall man, I should be able to watch out for myself!
Just what the fuck is wrong with them?! I am no motherfucking lost little toddler, I have proven myself over and over and over! But they still just see that scared and bullied kid I was. I grew out of it, why can't they?!
And why didn't I just stand my man and still went... I mean I was scared but... I could've just not listened and gone. Why do I still listen to them... It feels like I can be free of them but I just don't fucking want to... It fucking sucks to know that I have responsibility myself in this...
Oh my... It so fucking sucks.
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self.depression
|
I think it's time for a more in depth chat with my provider I was originally diagnosed as bipolar when I went in for postpartum depression in 2005. I also have anxiety and A.D.H.D.
I remained unmedicated for bipolar since then until a year ago, when I went in for major depression and a brand new diagnosis of agoraphobia (which isn't correct either). I've been an a string of meds that haven't worked since then.
I was medicated for ADHD, and I am frequently plagued with insomnia. Wouldn't stimulants and/or lack of sleep throw me into full fledged mania? (They never have.)
I'm so confused.
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self.bipolar
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I tied a noose Yeah. So i have a noose, and now I just need the courage to actually go through with it. It's been too many years of agony and I can't keep doing it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How do you deal with social occasions when there is nothing to hide behind? I've started at a new company. It's a pretty young and dynamic group of people who are constantly going out and doing things that I'd really like to be doing as well.. Thing is, once I do get to these events, I completely close up and I feel like I'm clawing at the walls to get out of there. Up until recently I've been using alcohol as my means of hiding, but it's really doesn't go well with my meds.
Any ideas? Thoughts? Words of anxious wisdom?
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self.Anxiety
|
Breaking the cycle Sometimes randomly I get into these intense cycles of anxiety. I feel like my brain is continually spinning and it makes me feel a sense of doom and that I don't deserve happiness. Sometimes my thoughts are so jumbled it's hard to even figure out what negative thoughts I have. Other times my mind finds things to worry about and the minute I solve one worry my brain finds another one to latch on to.
I can't seem to pinpoint what triggers it and it's hard to get out of my anxiety funk the longer it goes on. Does anybody feel this? How do you get out of your own head and break the cycle?
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self.Anxiety
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I'm not suicide my self, but I want to help my friend who might have crush on me, what should I do? Okay start with context, I [22M] surf facebook and I saw my depressive friend [22F] post something suicidal.
I have a reason to believe that she might have crush on me, I'm still single but I'm not knowing her enough to start relationship with her.
And I feel like I can't sustaining dating her, which I think I will hurt her more If I date her out of pity and breakup later.
I love her, but I can't love her romantically. I care for her, care for my friend.
I want to help her, but I don't want her to think that I'm going out with her, I don't want to hurt her self worth.
What should I do?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Insurance denied my Vraylar. As far as I know there is no generic and it's over $1000 a month. My doctor loaded me up with samples and is going to try to appeal it.
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self.bipolar
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I don't think I've ever been this low in my life. Earlier this year, everything was, not perfect. Perfect is impossible. Maybe not even as good as it was a few years ago, on the whole. But as that little ditty goes, I had to admit it was getting better. I had a job, I had opportunity for advancement, I had finally moved out of my childhood home. I discovered the specter of a life-threatening disease that had been hanging over my head was a figment easily banished by the doctor's tests. I came out as trans to all my friends and family and was overwhelmed by support.
My psychiatrist didn't like something in the regular tests for my bipolar medication, though, and decided to switch me to a new one. The changeover period was hellish, and I had to leave work in the middle of a shift, and then take the next week off as the side-effects mounted. That Saturday I discover I've been fired because they forgot to disable my access to the work email system before telling everyone *else* that I had been let go and was not allowed in the building.
No job means no health insurance, because who can afford CORBA when they're living from paycheck to paycheck? The timing is about as bad as it can possibly be, as the insurance cuts off at the same time as I run out of medication, any more has to come out of pocket and I can't even afford gas for the car.
Not that I have to worry about the car for too long, because fast forward a couple of weeks and somebody takes the nose off my car when they barrel around the corner as I'm pulling out of a driveway. Totaled, and insurance is doing their best to deny the claim while I'm making payments I can't afford anymore on a car I can't drive.
Meanwhile I'm slipping farther 'round the bend, with no doctors and medication to keep me whole, and Medicaid has denied my application a third time for "Failure to apply for all available cash benefits." Not that they'd care to tell me *which* benefits, or why I need to apply for cash benefits of any sort when what I want is to have medical coverage that's not tied to my employment status, so that I can actually maintain my sanity long enough to obtain and hold down a job.
I feel like nothing but a burden on my friends and family, and even though I know it's not ever minor mishap on my part feels like a major failure, that little voice in my head snottily condescending "They're doing so much for you and you can't even remember they asked for *Cherry* Coke, not plain?" Every social occasion is a nightmare of "I can't just go there and contribute nothing" commingled with "They're expecting you to go and will be hurt if you don't," and my heart physically hurts afterwards.
Those same friends and family are the only thing that's helping me keep my grip — today, I literally caught myself thinking "No, you can't throw yourself into traffic, Dad already made dinner reservations" as I'm standing waiting for the crosswalk to clear.
All I'm doing now is hanging on, and hoping something changes before I slip up.
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self.offmychest
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Giving serious consideration to jumping in front of a commuter train. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I finally tried short drop suspension hanging tonight... Used some paracord. I was hoping the pressure on my arteries would cause me to black out and my weight would do the rest but it never happened.It just hurt no matter how long I tried to put weight on it. I read about people dying by using doorknobs and I'm just like, "How?" I just wanted to drift off and go away forever. Thought about calling the hotline but if I end up with cops at the door people will go ballistic on me. I don't know what to do now if hanging is out, but I just feel so done. Now my neck hurts, my head hurts, my tongue hurts. And all that for nothing. I'm lost in this shit and I just want out.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Skin is crawling and weird sleeping WellburtinXL Anyone else having issues? have been on this for about a month? 150mg
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self.Anxiety
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Today is the first day I am 34 years old and today I started college. It's part time and completely online and I am equally terrified and thrilled. I have 4 kids ages 1 to 17 and am a stay at home mom.
I really hope I can do this!
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self.Anxiety
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i dont know how im gonna survive in the world. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Help. Is This rapid cycling????? Diagnosed MDD about a year and a half ago, after being hospitalized for a suicide attempt. Was placed on fluoxetine at the hospital, and have remained on it ever since. At first, the meds seemed to be helping. I would feel really good, great even. Then it would start to fade. So I would have them up the meds. Repeat. I'm now on the highest dose, and I can't help but wonder if all those 'really good' days were really hypomanic episodes. I would be constantly sharing pictures on social media, I was very confident and not scared at all to approach new people, I spent well over $1000 redecorating my apartment. I thought I had finally found normal. That I was cured of my depression. Obviously, that feeling went away and now we have I don't know what. I wake up in the morning, I'm in a great mood. Throughout the day my mood goes up and down. Evenings/nights are the worst. I hate myself and want to die. I smoke a lot of weed to keep the evening feeling at bay. Sometimes, I'll be so excited to go out with my friends and spend hours getting ready, only to get there and want to leave immediately. Some days, I can't convince myself any of my friends like me at all and then the next day I'll be planning a group vacation for everyone.
I just don't know what normal is anymore. I don't know how I'm supposed to feel - how anyone is supposed to feel. Before my suicide attempt, I had spent the better part of 2 years in a deep depression. Feeling anything again after that was a wonder. I'm terrified to mess with my meds because I'm terrified to feel that low again. I just don't know what to do.
Thanks for listening. Not really sure what I want - haha. Just, someone to tell me its going to be ok, I guess.
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self.bipolar
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Writing helps Behind the neck they speak, slowly moving their mouthes in a whispering motion, conveying what they think is secret. A statement too bold to remain unheard, creeping into the very ears of their so called friend.
Yet it fails to breach past the cognitive wall of him. A barrier thickened by the constant pain of self rejection and neglect.
His eyes remain glassed over, still and lifeless as his head lays against the wall. The thin lips and the sucked in cheeks showing a constant state of tension upon his face.
The light shined bright momentarily due to the bathroom door being open, creating a significant glare across the freshly wiped mirror. It's me.
A lifeless sac of tissue and blood limping idly to carry out his daily functions. Emotionless.
A robot only capable of producing coherent sentences for efficiency and efficiency only.
Yet Its me who bottles the emotions in, closing the lid to anyone who tries and gets near. It's my jar I say, but it's purpose remains undisclosed even to the closest of kin. A reasoning that will only ever be valid to me.
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self.depression
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Anybody else want to end their life but feel guilty on others? Anybody else genuinely feel like they have nothing left anymore, and want to end their life but can't because it would hurt others. I think of the pain my partner, couple of friends and family would go through. I feel as though I should be able to go through with it if I really feel there's no point anymore. I really am tired now and I can't go on much longer, I hope death is the light at the end of the tunnel.
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self.depression
|
Hypomania and entering a mind state without thoughts ? I'm interested in meditation , and I've noticed that hypomania, maybe with sunshine or the right music(often Delta brainwave music) makes it easier, sometimes, to enter a state without thoughts and be there for some time .
Did anybody notice that? Please tell more about it .
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self.bipolar
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Grandma died, Dad looks at my siblings and not me throughout, yells at me doesn't yell at them, fucked up college, fucking up college round 2, could really use some encouragement to do my school work [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Can't even keep anxiety out of my daydreams Sitting in bed imagining a lovely date with someone I very much hope to go out with soon and the daydream somehow devolved into me having a panic attack on the subway and needing a stranger to escort me above ground because the claustrophobia was suffocating me but I couldn't walk by myself. Excited butterflies turned into anxiety shakes of death. What the actual fuck, me. Almost had a panic attack imagining a panic attack. Christ help me.
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self.Anxiety
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going to mental hospital i seem like i have no problems but i do that's why I'm here i`m getting help today
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self.SuicideWatch
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I didn't feel good to speak out In wake of the MeToo movement, almost of people have said that once they finally spoke out about their harasser, it felt.
I spoke out 6 years ago and still don't feel good about.
I was 16 years old in high school. I was part of the marching band and staying late after school for practice. The director asked myself and two other members if we could go to the library and make copies of some music sheets. The library's door always remained unlocked after school, even though the librarian was done for the day. Aside from the occasional teenage couple hiding behind the shelves to make out, there was never much trouble in there. And the surveillance cameras were always on.
The copies were taking a few minutes to print, so the three of us sat on the couches. One of the other students with me sat right beside me, and I didn't mind. We were friends, we played the same instrument. That's when he started to grope me. First over my shirt, then under. I don't want to go into any more detail. The third student with us just kinda sat there, not sure how to react. I mean, he was a kid, how would you react? I kept telling my "friend" to stop and to get his hands off of me. He didn't stop until I stood up and ran out of the library. I spent the remainder of band practice hiding in a hallway and crying until the activity bus came.
It was probably a week later I told my guidance counselor. Due to protocol, she had to inform the authorities since the incident happened on school grounds. I was afraid, but understood.
The cops were intimidating, just as they've been every experience I've had with them afterwards. I get it, it's their job. They asked me a series of questions. They watched the surveillance footage with the principal. They never said anything comforting. I don't really know if it's in their job to do so or not. But whatever. That's not the point of telling this story.
The point of me talking about this right now on Reddit, is over how, to this day, I am furious with my high school principal. A few days after the cops spoke to me, I was having another typical day at school. The kid who did it was nowhere to be seen, and word was going around that he was suspended and possibly expelled.
The principal called me down to his office. I sat down, and he had his computer monitor facing towards me. He wanted me to watch the surveillance footage and talk him through what had happened. I really didn't want to watch it. I started crying as I watched it. He asked me why I was smiling in the video, why i was laughing. I told him I was laughing because I didn't know how else to react, I was hoping that would get the kid off of me. Looking back now, I was laughing as a defense mechanism.
The principal said that what had happened was my own fault. That I shouldn't have been in the library after school hours, and that I shouldn't have been alone with that boy. He said he could easily have me expelled for falsely accusing a student of misdemeanor and getting the cops involved. He said he wouldn't do that because I'm a "smart young lady". He told me to go back to class.
I was speechless, and I still am. He doesn't work there anymore, and I'm glad. But I believe he works at another school now. I'm floored that he had the nerve to say that. Was I a dumb kid who made a lot of mistakes? Yes. But I did not put myself in a dangerous situation. I was with someone I called my friend. I was doing something that was asked of me by my band director. I had been in the library plenty of times after school before and nothing bad ever happened. I KNOW what happened was not my fault. By the principal's words still eat at me and leave me thinking that maybe it was my fault.
I fucking hate him.
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self.offmychest
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Doesn't it kind of suck to be posting again? No offense to this subreddit at all.. because that is not what I intend by this post. I just only post when I am feeling bad... so here we go again.
Earlier this fall I had a disaster with klonopin/withdrawal and irritability/hostility... and now something similar is back. I haven't been able to sleep so I was prescribed ambien a little under a month ago. I don't take it every night, but maybe 2-3 times a week when I can't sleep. I've noticed that if I take it more than one night in a row, I gradually get more and more emotional. I've been so depressed lately and EVERYTHING is making me cry. I'm a musician so I'm pretty used to performing and I did badly on a performance today and teared up in front of a bunch of people and I could feel the corners of my mouth turning down like they do when I'm about to burst out into tears.
I'm a week away from closing on a refi mortgage, a week away from my last final in school. My homeowners insurance provider is threatening to cancel it because of a sagging car port roof. I'm working all the time. I'm struggling in my relationship, we're fighting over money and a few other things and our sex life is tanking because of it and its making it even worse.
I'm so close to throwing my ambien prescription away because I have been addicted to prescription medications in the past and I don't want that to happen again. I'm hoping that when school ends, my mortgage closes and my roof is fixed and my stress dissipates I'll be sleeping better but it is so miserable to be awake after laying in bed for 4 hours when you know there is a solution in your cabinet. I don't know what is worse - being exhausted from no sleep or the side effects of the ambien.
I hate my body. Like, I really really really fucking hate it. Seriously, I have the worst and rarest side effects to everything. Seroquel made my heart race. Klonopin made me hostile. Any antibiotics I take somehow fuck me up one way or another. I'm on this really fragile cocktail of meds and I'm tired of adding one thing and it tipping the balance too much and I (figuratively) topple over.
I'm so sick of being bipolar. I'm not suicidal or even close to it but I'm so tired of life. I wish I could take a break but I can't get one. Even with the holidays coming up I'm traveling to see family who I'm not crazy about so its not even like I'm going to get to relax. I love my personality, but I still hate myself because of my illness. Being me is so exhausting and I'm sure a lot of you feel the same way.
/rant
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self.bipolar
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Trying to lose weight and I've never felt so god damn hungry. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Currently having a mental breakdown along with a panic attack. I just wanna end my life. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm a failure I got into college, with a computer science major. But um...... I can barely code. And I'm too fucking stupid to learn how. Everyone else in my class has done it for years and years and I'm so behind.
I'm just a total failure compared to everyone around me. Other teens get 4.0 GPAs while raising their siblings and working 30 hours a week. Other teens take full loads of college classes and stay up studying till 2 am. Other teens are taking multivariable calculus and doing medical research.
Meanwhile I forget due dates and lose my wallet. So....what's wrong with me?
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self.depression
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The Pain of being Overwhelmed I have no idea what I'm doing. My head hurts as a result of the uncontrollable thoughts swirling around in my head. I can't tell if what I do is actually helpful or I'm just an incompetent failure.
I'm lying here with a throbbing brain, a lonely heart and a lack of self confidence.
Is there anyone else who's just fumbling around, trying to sort their life out but failing to make themselves content?
I'm trying to make myself a happier person, but in trying to do so, I'm leaving behind and hurting the people around me. I feel like no matter what I do, no matter how much progress I think I make, I always come back to the same dark place. I think I'm just fucking myself over by trying. I hate myself.
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self.depression
|
Anyone else hate meeting new people? Any time I meet someone new that I find attractive or even nice there's always a part of me that screams "don't bother!" I let my feelings run wild and I always get a temporary high from meeting someone. I'll feel truly alive for a day or two...then it always brings my lows even lower when a day or so later they end up rejecting me, leaving, or ghosting me for some reason. Everyone always leaves and it's getting too hard to always climb out of the hole they drop you in when they do.
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self.depression
|
Slowly Giving Up I don't have a plan, or have thought about making one. But the thoughts are back. After a few weeks of "calm" the thoughts are back and I'm seeing this as more of a possible option, or solution. I'm slowly running out of energy, motivation, hope, or whatever keeps me going.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Diagnosed with GAD today :( Ugh. I hate my anxiety. Someone just make it go away.
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self.Anxiety
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Oh-so lost and doing nothing about it I have so many things I'd like to do but I don't know where to start. It's as if I don't want to do anything because I'm used to procrastinating, doing things all at once.
I want to travel and read the books from my favourite library and go places to write and enjoy time with loved ones. I am scared of how precious time is that I'd rather not take risks and just *do things*. I really am scared, timid, and avoidant about all of this. I feel like the floodgates will open one day and all of the emotions--both good and bad-- that I've pushed inside will escape out.
I have so many things I love and I want to really *live* my life. I just don't know how to start, where to start, or what kind of stepping stones I should set for myself.
I want to be content and confident and just certain about my life, myself, and what I'm doing.
I've had confidence issues for years now that I really haven't seen harm from until quite recently. It's something I've ignored or didn't even consider a problem.
Wondering if I should see a counsellor (I guess a therapist?) again; that really helped. I'm teetering between overreacting and overthinking to pushing a lot of what I'm feeling aside, and I don't think I have a balanced perspective at this moment.
I think some kind of activity like fitness, maybe a group class even, would help me get out of my shell as well.
Thanks for stopping by -- I really appreciate it.
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self.offmychest
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A possibility that bass is soothing? I've noticed over the past week or two from driving home from work I've always been anxious. Either due to shitty drivers (thanks, Houston) or work or whatever the case may be.
I listen to music in my car very loud. There have been a few cases where certain songs come on that has a bass line that ends up soothing my anxiety a fair amount. Not completely, but a decent amount.
Now, all I can find on this is people whose anxiety is triggered by loud noise/bass from songs or their neighbor's apartments, etc. Is there anyone else who has anxiety that is oddly soothed by certain amounts of bass? If so, what works for you?
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self.Anxiety
|
Weirdest Bipolar Symptom Ever... None of my psychiatrists or PCP can help and they don't believe / understand this. Has ANYONE felt this? I don't know if this is a symptom of a mixed state or something, but I've slowly developed a complete intolerance to passionate excitement (like listening to a song that gives you chills), or laughter, or anything that makes me happy. The exciting or happy stimulus makes my brain feel like it's going to explode or I'll have a seizure (never actually had one before) and then my body goes into a severe panic type feeling and I suddenly feel VERY wrong and fear (kind of like the type of chemical fear you have during an alcohol hangover).
Happy or exciting stimuli have suddenly become WAY TOO MUCH. Imagine having someone blast 70000 blinding lights in your eyes and blow 999999 foghorns in your ears. That's how much stimulus I feel when something excites me or makes me laugh / happy now.
I then have to totally lie down and end my day after it happens because I feel so sick. I simply have no tolerance to anything that may give me goosebumps. And when I do get goosebumps, I feel so sick I want to die.
I'm fine when everything is boring and static but now happiness and excitement cause my brain to go into an overstimulated panic mode.
Is this a mixed state? Has ANYONE had this happen to them? Should I seek a new psychiatrist?
Electric shocks and tingles in my face accompany this when I get chills or laugh.
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self.bipolar
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extreme flight anxiety please help I'm flying to visit relatives over the holidays and I...have really severe flight anxiety.
I'm having a panic attack right now, throat feels constricted and my vision is blurring as I type this.
I've talked with my therapist about this many times and am taking medication for my anxiety but the prospect of flying and/or being in any vehicle at all makes me nervous enough that I've barely eaten in three days and I'm just...not prepared. My fear of death/fear of facing death are probably the main causes of my paralyzing fear of flying and I just don't know what to do right now.
:(
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self.Anxiety
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I potentially have no future so I'm thinking about ending my life [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Relapsing I'm hurting myself again. This always happens when I come home for holidays/time off and spend it with family but have nothing to do to or talk to take my mind off things. I relapse. When Im living on my own, I find lots of ways to distract myself and my mind from wandering. I still get lost, especially when I go to bed, but I'm not bombarded with constant reminders of stuff that hurt me.
This holiday was worth than normal and I started to cut again. I started to think about suicide again, and that hasn't happened in several years. I'm not going to act on it or anything, but it was an appealing thought last night. And I'm scared. I'm scared that not only of relapsing for good, but also that this means I can't come home for family anymore. I can't come back to this place. Its fucking torture.
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self.depression
|
Newlywed and struggling I have been married for about 3 weeks and my wife is suffering from depression. I've never seen her this way before and I'm struggling with how to deal with it. She says it's not my fault but I can feel myself burning out quickly.
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self.depression
|
Why am I so useless? People out there exist, one's that have to worry about not eating certain things because it might cause a negative reaction in their body that causes them to die, one's that can't learn effectively because they interpret words differently not because of their own fault but because somewhere in their DNA is a disease that causes them to read words differently than other people, one's that live in an environment so cruel it would be punishment to any sentient being. And here I am, a human with no bounds, one that was not abused growing up, one who could never say I'm hungry and there is nothing to eat, one that could not proclaim that there was something educational I could not afford because my parents made every effort for me to be able to learn anything I wanted to. To be able to amount to anything. And here I am, nothing, that's all I'm worth, nothing. I have failed not only myself but society, through my stupidity I have failed the people that cannot afford to learn something they do not know, the ones that would wish with all their might to be able to learn something, anything, to be able to propel their species forward, but cannot because they are denied the resources to do some. I had all the resources, I had all the chances, I had every single opportunity afforded to me by society and what did I do you might ask? I squandered it away like the stupid impulsive creature I am. I could not look towards the future and determine that I had something to offer to this world other than a body that would eventually decay to feed the earth. Had I done everything correctly there is no doubt in my mind that I could have contributed to society. I could have helped somebody that had not eaten in weeks become better. I could have been valuable to society. I would never be indispensable but I could have become a nice cog to the machine dubbed humanity. Instead I live my life in the days that could have been. The days that should have been. The only thing I currently deserve is death and even then torture is the only way I could ever hope to possibly amount to the sins that I have committed. I offer nothing to this world and shouldn't be in it as a result.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Wanting to stop meds I've been on citalopram (first 20mg, then 10mg daily) for just over 4 years. It has helped a lot with my GAD and depression. I started taking them right before my dad died of ALS, and I think if I hadn't started taking them then I wouldn't have coped the way I did.
Now, I have a very stable life and I'm a confident, relatively happy person. However, I know that I still have GAD and depression, and that citalopram just helps me shut them up so to speak. I've gained about 60lbs in the past two years, despite starting to run 5k races and eat healthier - I'm almost positive it's because I crave starches and can't lose weight, not to mention the "fuzzy" edges to all my feelings, all because of the meds. Plus my husband and I are planning to start a family in the next year or so, and I know citalopram **can** be a teratogen.
I think it's time to come off the meds - has anyone successfully went back to "normal" after meds? I'm not worried about side effects, I know they'll pass. I'm more worried about my mood in general.
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self.Anxiety
|
Considering divorce and being homeless or suicide, please help I live in a foreign country with my partner due to his job, far away from any family, I'm not really in danger but just can't bear to live with him anymore. I'm about to graduate college at 36, have had work experience elsewhere but not here, not sure if I could get a job to support myself. Not sure if I could stay here legally after the divorce since I'm here as his dependant and havd nowhere else to go.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Any suggestions on how to escape my head? Because I can’t get out of it, and it won’t shut the fuck up, and I can’t stop thinking about the shit that really angers me, and then there’s the bizarre fantasies of either me being successful, beating up somebody, losing my mind completely, and even more [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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What am I doing with my life? I spent all my time browsing memes and I'm too busy to sleep these days. Meanwhile, my friends are working good jobs and buying good phones and getting good grades at school and have so much time on their hands. I blame myself for my own faults.
How do I control my life? Anyone else addicted to memes and the internet?
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self.depression
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Anyone else come here to feel like shit? I know it’s a shitty question but i really thought about it and it’s pretty spot on.
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self.depression
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I miss him My ex of 5 years and I broke up last year. The relationship was toxic but I was still heartbroken when he immediately jumped into a new relationship while still professing his love for me. I’ve since healed and moved on but today has been full of nostalgia. I just miss him so much. He reached out to me via email this April but I told him never to contact me again (not out of vindictiveness but because I didn’t want to enter into a toxic cycle). Today, I wish he would contact me again. I don’t want to be back with him but I just miss him so much. I want to talk to him and laugh and kiss. I haven’t even thought about him recently but today I just wanted him. I don’t know what this means and even though I know he can’t see this, I hope he’s thinking of me too.
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self.offmychest
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Wonderment Of everything that I can figure out about life with my wife and kids leads to one main thought. I'm not needed or wanted around for any measurable amount of time. The only thing wanted from me is access to my bank account for the money. Beyond that I could just leave and they wouldn't even notice.
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self.depression
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Developmentally behind Maybe I'm just fucking autistic or some bullshit. Fuck socializing. Fuck talking to people. Dealing with fucking problems normal people are able to set straight when they're teenagers. Everyone acts like it'd weird to not want to talk to anyone. It's not fucking weird and not wanting to speak to others doesn't constitute a goddamn disorder.
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self.depression
|
What's wrong with me, exactly? I'm depressed, but I don't know why. It's like my entire life is in color, but I'm that colorblind girl who can't really see it. I'm having a lot of trouble expressing myself, I continually think I let people down, and I really want to do something about it but I can't. I'm not even motivated enough to kill myself. What's wrong with me?
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self.depression
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Just got dumped The reason is I was wrongly accused of cheating after five wonderful months and my heart is broken. I fell off the deep end after and did a drug without thinking. Then I got a random drug test the next day :( now I may lose my 100% disability and I don’t know what to do. When I find out for sure I don’t trust myself on how I’m going to react. Think I may end back up in the hospital. Was having suicidal/violent thoughts last night and almost acted on them but went to bed instead. It’s a three day weekend and I forgot to fill my meds. I’ve been up about 24 hrs now. I feel on the edge of something happening
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self.bipolar
|
Rambling. I'm going insane and I want to kill myself I have nobody to talk to about this and just need to tell somebody. This text is unedited so it might suffer from spelling mistakes and incomprehension .
My life is objectively good. I was born into an upper class family and live in a good city. I had a great education and am in a top college. I'm smart, decent looking (although I've always had body insecurity), and social. I guess I'm the poster boy of "anybody can suffer from depression".
Why do I want to kill myself? I don't know. When I think about my life I see another seventy years or so ahead of me, and only imagine pain. I see my mom and dad dying, my sister dying, my dog dying, my friends moving on, my career going nowhere because I have fuck-all work ethic.
I've never been in a relationship before because I am emotionally detached from other people. I can't talk to my mom or dad about this stuff because they won't know how to deal with it. All I want is a girl I can be completely honest with about absolutely everything, I think if I had that I could maybe be happy. But honestly I can't see that happening because
At this point suicide just seems logical. Why bother going through all the pain life forces upon you when there is a very clear out.
I wish I had the opportunity to give my life to somebody who would take advantage of money and a good education, maybe they'd be able to change things. I was in Brazil last year travelling through the favelas and I saw all the poor kids begging. All I could think was "why couldn't they have born in my position instead of me.
There are 7 billion people on earth, how many of them will you meet, how many of them will you form relationships with? Imagine that perfect partner for you out there that would make you the happiest person in the world. You will never meet her.
Think about how life after 25 is all downhill. Why not kill yourself at the peak? It makes sense to me. My plan right now is to take as many risks as I can to make sure I'm dead by that age.
Life is so unfair, so fuck life. Suicide is a form of protest. If I wasn't such a fucking pussy and actually had follow through in my life I'd kill myself, although I couldn't put my mom through that. I've gotten into drugs recently, xanax and stuff like that. If I don't turn my life around soon, I'll just overdose on painkillers or something.
Fuck this world, hopefully the next is better.
Anyway, I might be bipolar, but I've never been diagnosed.
Sometimes I am in a great mood and sometimes I'm yelling to myself that I want to die. Right now you might be able to guess which mood I'm in.
I wasn't exactly a bully when I was younger, but I do remember instances of me picking on people and making them feel bad. Anyway I've become a far more empathetic person now, but all the pain I've caused in my life has come back and won't leave me alone. It eats at my fucking brain. I can't sleep at night without thinking of the time I made fun of somebody for being fat or ugly, even though I didn't do that anymore than the average person.
People are terrible to each other by default and it's only getting worse. When I go online and go out in the world I only see people being horrible to each other and it makes me hate the world. Why can't we treat eachother with respect?
If anyone reads this, you might tell me I can easily change things. and I'm fully aware of that, but death is easier, so death it is.
Thank you and goodnight.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I have been having mild panic attacks these past couple days. I have to just stop fighting it. Let the fear wash over my body as it will pass in the near future as it always does. But I can enjoy this heightened level of life that I am experiencing. Let the the thoughts race by, don't try to grab on [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Anxiety and antibiotics? Does anyone else find taking antibiotics makes your anxiety go from bad to way worse? Suggestions on how to deal?
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self.Anxiety
|
Love story Hi all, so I wanted to share the story of me and my SO because I think it's a wonderful story about being able to understand bipolar and be in a relationship with someone who's bipolar (me). So, my boyfriend is perfect. He's doing the PhD program at Stanford and he's athletic and he's kind and just very wholesome. He even knows how to cook! Me? I'm not trying to shit on myself but I'm definitely not at that level. And to top it all off, I suffer from bipolar disorder...the schizoaffective kind. Well anyway, we met at an Ivy League school (hint Emma Watson went there) and it wasn't until recently that we started dating. Before we started dating, he visited me once while I was in the psych ward for attempting suicide and hearing things. He brought TWO not one but TWO vases of flowers and even brought his adorable little brother along. Fast forward to the start of October, and we're hanging out almost every day. He holds my hand and calls me cute, and knows basically about my whole psych history. He, on the other hand, is a neurotypical or at least identifies as one (he really has no psych issues). By the third time we spend a whole day hanging out, I got antsy and asked him if we were dating. He turns to me with a look on his face and says, "I was going to ask you out by the end of the today." and like that, we're boyfriend and girlfriend. Right now everything is so perfect. He reminds me to take my meds and listens to my manic stories with amusement. He doesn't dismiss my bipolar disorder but he understands that I am so much more than my diagnosis. And most of all, he loves me. I feel so lucky and can't believe I'm dating such an understanding individual. :)
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self.bipolar
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Does anyone else think they are dealt a shitty hand in life? Made a throwaway just to vent. I hate my life. The thing is, objectively, my life is pretty good and I should be enjoying it. I have all the things I need, I have enough money, roof over my head etc, but I'm my own worst enemy. I can't think of a single redeeming quality about myself. I'm anxious all the time, I'm weak and intimidated by everything and everyone, I'm over-sensitive, I ruminate about everything. At least, I could be outgoing or kind. Nope, I'm quiet and I can't connect with people. Failing at everything made me bitter and jealous of other people. I'm also lazy yet somehow ambitious (in a daydream-of-the-day-that-I'm-finally-going-to-show-them way, not in a productive, proactive way). Right now, I'm stuck in a job that I hate. I'm thinking of alternative careers that I could pursue, but I can't bear the thought of starting over again, of trying to fit in again, pushing myself to be more sociable, hearing "why are you so quiet", while dying a little inside. I'm a pushover, too. I just posted a question on a forum and someone replied to me rudely, this made me anxious and scared, so I replied passive aggressively and drove myself to tears, because if I got intimidated by this, how am I going to succeed at anything in life? I envy all outgoing or tough people. I envy people who can work in something like PR or sales, where I now I couldn't last a day.
Yes, I've spent tons of money on therapy and I'm meditating. This just made me realize what kind of a deficient person I am. I also made a post that's formulated as a question, yet I'm just venting about myself. This also shows what a self-centered person that I am.
Edit: I just thought about a guy I once saw in a coffee shop I used to frequent. He was new there because I never saw him before (or after). There was a small queue and people were starting to get annoyed. He was tall and lanky, and he reminded me of my nephew, which I guess made me somehow protective of him. His hands were shaking so bad, and I could see that he was desperately trying to calm himself. It took him about 5 minutes just to make two latte's. Every time that I think about him, it makes me so sad. Other people don't realize what kind of private wars we have to fight every damn day, they think it's like some kind of switch you can turn on in your head to be "normal". My heart goes out to all the people struggling with anxiety, but especially boys/men. At least for us women, I think there's a lesser societal expectation to be tough (of course there are other disadvantages).
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self.Anxiety
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So yet again, I need to vent Sorry for my english, I don't know how to translate some terms.
I want to fucking die right now. If I had a gun beside me I would be long dead.
Again - girl fucked me over, intense anxiety and panic attacks + depression and suicidal thoughts led me to threatening to kill people. Police took me to a mental hospital on 13th of October where I have been since.
I am not getting out of here. Ever. I just am not. To leave I need a permission from "primár" (the head doctor), but I can't have "protective treatment", which can only "the court expert" change. But she needs some tests from a psychologist. And that's if everything goes right. I might stay on protective treatment or the head doctor might not let me leave.
This is a fucking disaster. I've been here for 2 months. I just turned 18. Everyone in my school hates me obviously because I wrote that I wanted to kill them. I don't know how I will be able to finish school. It doesn't matter anyway because I AM NOT GETTING OUT OF HERE. Do you get it? I am spending christmas in a goddamn mental hospital with 60yo mentally ill people. We do nothing. There's just boredom. We wake up at 6:30 and then do FUCKING NOTHING. For 2 months straight and I am not going anywhere in the foreseeable future. It's over. Give. Me. A. Fucking. Gun. So. I. Can. Shoot. Myself.
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self.Anxiety
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Help with new medication? I was recently prescribed Wellbutrin SR to take in the mornings in addition to the Lexapro that I take at night. However, my doctor said since I’m on Wellbutrin I can’t drink/smoke weed because it causes seizures. Weed has been my saving grace for the past couple of months, and I’m having a hard time after 5 days without it. Anyone have experience with Wellbutrin and marijuana? Should I just quit taking the Wellbutrin?
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self.depression
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My Anxiety I’m only 14 years old, yet I’ve suffered from anxiety and panic attacks almost my whole life. I do wrestling and right months before a match I get horrible thoughts in my head and start to have panic attacks. It got to a point where I couldn’t go to one of the meets because I was getting nauseous and threw up from the anxiety. I need some help with getting rid of my anxiety.
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self.Anxiety
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I'm lost somewhere inside me. There are no words to describe this properly [deleted]
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self.depression
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I can’t put my phone down at night. It’s a constant cycle of checking to see what’s new on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, and Reddit and Googling things I want to know about over and over and over again. I’m pretty sure I’m doing it as a way to try and keep anxiety away, but it causes me more anxiety because I don’t fall asleep until the sun comes up and makes my sleep schedule totally backward.
I can’t put my phone down until I’m exhausted. I hate it. Does anyone else do this? Is it a form of dissociation?
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self.Anxiety
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having no friends making me depressed, cant go out because of social anxiety. failing college because of this I realize i want friends but i CAN'T go out to meet people. I also think i will get rejected because im weird. this cycle repeats itself so i remain depressed and on top of all this im failing college. Dont want to kill myself because it will hurt my parents sooo much. when i told my mom i was kinda suicidal, she told me she would 100% kill herself if i commited suicide. I should have went out, i should have made friends, but i was too afraid
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self.depression
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I'm tempted to take all propranolol I have I have two boxes of 40mg. Should be enough right.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Bipolar Writers? Oh, I know you’re out there!
I have been writing for many years and I’ve never completed a novel. It’s
Not that I don’t have ideas. It’s that when I’m manic/hypo I will plan entire novels. I will swear this is the one I will finish. I will make maps, read about new genres to explore, write massive character sheets, etc.
And then depression comes in. I throw away my notebooks, maps, ideas. I delete files because they can’t possibly be worth reading. I convince myself that I’ll never be Steven King.
I don’t WANT to be Steven King! I want to write things that people want to read and enjoy. I want to complete those 100,000 words. I want to just finish.
Somehow, I suspect there are others like me.
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self.bipolar
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Super bad anxiety while hypomanic? So I’ve been hypomanic for about 3(?) weeks now and this is all new to me. I’m very familiar with depressive episodes but not so much hypomania. I’ve been euphoric pretty much the whole time but starting yesterday I got really really bad anxiety. Like multiple anxiety attacks all day both yesterday and today. Does this happen to anyone else? Is this a sign I’m moving further into hypomania? I think I remember getting really bad anxiety when I slipped into a dysphoric hypomania or a possible mixed episode but I’m not remembering things very well. Some input would be awesome as not knowing is making my anxiety worse (of course).
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self.bipolar
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I have to keep myself busy or I am going to do “it”. And my expiration age. From 18 to now 22 since March I was not in school ( which I was a total failure at besides art ). only have one friend from middle school 7th grade ( who’s relationship isn’t the same since the summer before starting high school). Couldn’t get a job at till last September. I get paid nicely $15.27 but 44 hours a week. Been sleeping on my moms couch since 2013. My back is fucking terrible from it. But it could be worst I’m sure. MY POINT IS i think about my job a lot it’s in a way keeping me alive. I think about dying whenever I’m not completely 100% busy im stupid, insecure, shy and ugly I hate socializing with non fucked up people because it reminds me of what I should be but can’t I can make this MUCH MUCH longer but I’m sure you get it. I’ve recently split myself up in my head removing the parts I don’t like to the other me. And giving the busy me a expiration date 39yo is the age I’ll die. It’s 13, 3 times. My favorite numbers 3 and 23 . I feel happy knowing I can think about it, not living feeling this or remembering who I really am for a long time. Does anyone else have a age they want to die?
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self.depression
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