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No one knows how depressed I’ve been the past 3 years and it’s draining. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Can't find a psychiatrist. I have had about 5 psychiatrist before and it always ends up not going back because of my episodes. I have not been officially diagnosed but all of the doctors suspected it but i have never went to the same doctor twice because of my lows and i just feel unmotivated to travel or talk to them. I don't know what to do. Should i get a proper diagnosis so i can start medicating because my bi polar is getting worse by the second and its scaring me. I self medicate with nitrazepam (mogadon), modafinil and weed for my lows.
Anyone went through this before?
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self.bipolar
|
Scared I have ALS, also Unbelievably depressed, crying at work, at home Hi,
I'm a 28 year old programmer dude from Slovenia, with severe depression and anxiety , steaming from my past.
So 9 days ago the left side of my left foot started twitching uncontrollably, and fast forward to today my left foot is twitching also my right calf muscle starte twitching. 9 days ago I started reading into what I have, and as soon as I did that everything collapsed, my life collapsed, even though it's not like my life was anything but a collapsed mess to begin with. But this was worse for the past 9 days I've barely been living, I can hardly concentrate on work because of the twitching and the thought that I will die.
My life has been a perfect s**tstorm of unluckiness, the divorce of my parents, the time that lead up to the divorce, the suicide attempt of my father in-front of me, covering me in blood, watching my father dying from lung cancer years later, my mother remarrying and disowning me, and making another family without me, being is debt most of my life, having to work since I was 16 while going to school (later uni), the breakdown I had after completing my diploma and almost managing to complete my Master's Degree, but failing due to being thrown out of my own home by my mother who sued me for part of the money that my father left for me and my sister. And now I'm going to die because of ALS? I'm going to the doctors today, but I'm so scared I can barely think clearly, I'm not even sure what I'm writing, and if it's making any sense since English isn't my primary language.
I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time, I just wanted to write this somewhere, because I feel depressed, anxious and so damn helpless. I'm even more depressed because my girlfriend with which I've been together for 9 years is too busy working on her book, so I can't even talk to her how bad I'm feeling. I'm trying to be positive buy the only words that come to mind are "You suffer in life, and then you die...". I sincerely just want someone to tell me it's gonna be ok even though I know it's not going to be ok. Please, just please someone...
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm 21 and I've been suicidal since 13. I have no want or desire to live anymore. I used to believe that old "it'll get better" saying, but after nearly a decade of constant suicidal tendencies, I no longer believe it.
The only reason I'm still alive is so that I don't cause my mother more grief. She had an abusive mother, absolutely shitty sisters, and had to take care of her mentally retarded brother and her father with Alzheimers for years on end because her sisters wouldn't. Just what she needs now is for one of her kids to blow his brains out in the forest somewhere.
How much longer do I have to deal with this just to make sure I don't hurt anybody? This is probably one of the darkest things I'll ever say, but I wish she would die soon (peacefully) so that I can finally end this fucking facade once and for all.
I just want to give up and die.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
If I call the suicide hotline with these concerns, will I be taken seriously? *NSFW elements* Okay. First and absolutely foremost, I am not in immediate danger. This is **not** a post of me expressing a desire to end my life. I am secure and I am not going to harm myself. I promise.
With that said, my questions and concerns are of an NSFW nature. Even now, I'm a bit nervous/ashamed to speak about it. This is a throwaway account, though. What do I have to lose?
As of this date, I am 31 years of age. I find that I'm sexually inexperienced. Part of me is ashamed of that, but not all of me. I don't know what sex is defined by exactly. My definition may vary from yours.
Penetrative sex doesn't interest me too much. BDSM and/or kinkiness sparks my interest.
I'm not here to turn this into a half-assed erotica, so I'm not going to speak any further about my interests. What I am going to speak about is how unworthy of it I feel or how unwelcome I would be. I've overheard enough conversations to know that virgins at my age seem to make people suspicious.
I find that immensely depressing and disheartening. I know how I want to express my sexuality, but I feel like it's totally out of my reach.
I've had those emotions and feelings for a number of years now. They've gone unsatisfied for so long and I've considered suicide as a result. Not a direct result, mind you. It's another thing that I'm tired of having to deal with.
With all of that said, I can restate my question and end my post. If I call up the suicide hotline and bring these concerns up to them, will I be taken seriously or will they write me off as a prank caller or something?
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self.depression
|
Today is the day I decided to get help. I am a 20 year old college student. I have been struggling with severe depression for years: on and off meds, the works. I finally hit a rock bottom when I got kicked out of my residential community for depression and constant negativity. I had two choices: fix it or end it. I have never been closer to ending it, I talked with my family about it and they were so supportive, I know not everyone has that privilege and I am thankful. I will be entering a counseling program with a psychologist for as long as I need until the thoughts regress. I know I’m lucky to have the help available, but making that first step is hard. Anyone here who needs to talk feel free to PM me as I am going into this area of work for my life and nothing will seem too extreme. I’ve seen it all. Have a good rest of your weekend everyone.
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self.depression
|
A letter to my mother, who died a month ago You were quite ill and even after repeated treatments the condition kept getting worse. I consider it a blessing that I got the chance to take care of you.
I will miss making breakfast for you every morning. I have moist eyes as I write this but I really miss your presence a lot. I know you're in a better place now, you were in so much pain and...you couldn't even walk...but I miss you so much. I was ready to do make breakfast for you and keep track of your medicines for years to come. It was difficult and at times I had to stay up all night with you because you couldn't sleep, but I was ok with that. I had adjusted. I was ok with it.
Now...the house seems so empty. You became the center of my life. Me and father used to talk about only you. Your treatment, your medicines...your comfort...you were our purpose to live and now you're gone
I feel so lonely. You just left this world that morning in front of me. Didn't even gave me a chance. I miss you so much. I cry sitting alone when I watch your pictures.
I hope your pain is gone and...you're just happy. I don't know what happens after death, but the thing I wish for is your happiness. I hope you're really happy.
I feel so purposeless now.
I know there were times when I was frustrated and said some rude things. I was just so tired, mother. I'm so sorry. I hadn't slept for months and...running around hospitals to get reports and...just...I might have been a bit rude
sometimes, please forgive me for that. I know you'd forgive me in an instant. You were a very forgiving woman.
I hope you're happy. I will live a good life. You will be proud of me. I'm your son.
I'll think about you everyday of my life. Till the day I die. I hope I get to see you on the other side one day. I miss you a lot
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self.offmychest
|
I was thinking about my relationship with my mother tonight. Due to years of emotional abuse, mental health issues, substance abuse, and instability (among other things) my relationship with my mother is complicated to say the very least. These days we’re trying to repair what’s left of it. It’s awkward, and sometimes it’s feels so forced, but I try.
How is it that this woman used to sing to me, and now I can hardly look her in the eyes?
I wish I could love my mom the way I did when I was little.
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self.offmychest
|
What can i do ???? here is whats going on i'm 16 i cant get out of the house really cause there is no where that i can go to get away from things. So i'm kinda stuck inside, I play video games and watch YoutTube and hang out with my dogs. I don't any have friends i can hang out with, the only friends i have are online. Lately i have been feeling worthless and lazy as shit and don't know what the hell i'm going to do with my life. I watch this YouTuber a lot and am thinking of making a Channel of my own. I told my mom that i was going to make one she said " Wait till we fix your teeth and you can talk easier" So right there i felt like she doesn't want me to and i got down. So i didn't think of making the Channel for a month. Then outta nowhere she says " when are you going to make your Channel" I forgot about it and said " I need to get something before i can. So i was thinking about it and don't know if i sure or not. The main reason why i would like to is to make me a better person, maybe find myself, and help people like Youtubers have done for me. like i said though i'm not sure if i should really do it or not. So what i'm asking is, Is this a good idea or should i give up on YouTube???
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self.offmychest
|
This struggle to survive is getting me so fed up. Just when I thought I could spend my paycheck on something that I love, my car broke down. Fucking incredible, of course I'd like to spend a fortune to fix it and leave my wallet empty again.
It just seems to me that life doesn't treat me kindly compared to a few lucky ones. One problem after another.......it could be that my laptop needs repair, my mom gets sick and needs to be hospitalized, the house loan needs to be paid, and of course, bills.
Oh yeah...... this is the life. Spending my super thin paycheck to the point where I don't even have enough to save for future use. Oh of course, living like this is better than being homeless, therefore I should be thankful for this life that I did not ask for. Super thrilled and thankful. Thanks, mom and dead dad. Real smart of you to put me on this planet.
Heh......I'm fucking tired already. Survival is for the strong and intelligent. Some people have neither of them. Why can't we just go gracefully....and quickly.........
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self.depression
|
The beginning process is frustrating. First of all I want to apologize for the wall of text following.
So I went yesterday for my psych assessment. Everyone was super nice and I got assessed by this lady. We talked for a long time and she asked me lots of questions ya know how it is. I told her all my family's history of like mental illness and suicide and what not. I didn't get diagnosed but she thinks it's bipolar. She told me that the best thing for me to get treated and everything was like a partial hospitalization program. It's like 2 weeks and I would get to talk with a psychiatrist twice a week and there's a lot of group therapy. She said they do like yoga and meditation. They teach like how to cope with whatever illness you have and how to stay in the moment so your brain doesn't get super overwhelmed and you don't shut down. She could tell I was getting like that just from talking to her cause I was doing it. I asked later if I could do the program after the semester ends and she told me that I could do that so I'm starting to look think about that. The other option is to just do outpatient psychiatry and see how that goes. So we found a psych that's closer to where I live and called them. The first appointment is a walk-in so I'm going to go tomorrow and if it doesn't work out she said I could call her and she would help me find something else. I was thought about the 2-week program but I don't know because I would get super behind and miss all my classes and also it just sounds scary. She told me that my assessment is good for 7 days so I need to make a decision soon.
Today I went to a closer place to get assessed again. It was a complete joke. I got there and signed in and what not. I finally go back with a lady and we go to her office and start. She starts by asking me if I have any depression, anxiety, mania. That's what I was there for? I told her I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety already. We continue with more questions and she gets quiet, typing away at her computer, ignoring me. After a while she says she is going to say a sentence and I need to rate how it describes me on a 1-5 scale. At this point I feel like she's just typing in symptoms to google. I mention that I am going to be moving in about a week. I wasn't sure of the address so she asked if I was sure I was going to move. Umm yes I'm sure. She gets a phone call in the midst of this and starts talking away, I guess she forgot I was sitting in front of her? Anyways I answer more of her questions. And I guess we are done because she doesn't say anything to me for at least 10 minutes, she's just typing away at the computer. Says I need to set an appointment and goes quiet again. After several moments she gives me the appointment date, the end of the month. She tells me she thinks what I have is MDD and GAD. No duh lady I told you I've already got those. She said that in my appointment they will decide if I meet the qualifications to get services from them. So I get up and walk away and she says, "I hope you feel better. Do you want some chocolate?" I bluntly told her no I don't and walked out. They gave me a handbook for their facility which I promptly threw in the trash. I called the person who did my first assessment the day before and she is helping me find somewhere else I can go that will actually be helpful.
I got a call later today from the first lady that I talked to and she found a therapist I could and should make an appointment with in my area. I called them and it was better and I got everything set up for a day in about a week. The person I talked to on the phone told me that during my appointment they can give me a diagnosis or list of them that I can take to a psychiatrist whenever I find one. I'm hopefully going to get this all figured out soon.
What are your thoughts about my situation? Have any of you done anything like the 2-week thing? How was it? How is therapy? I'm not sure what happens and it makes me a little anxious. Is there anything I should know or anything I need to do? Thank you all so much. This sub kinda pushed me to take the first step.
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self.bipolar
|
No nonfications from you just feelings in my heart in my heart I want to reach out to you again but I'm so scared of what you'd say. I never knew how you truly felt for me. I want to know why you never answered back. Your empty silence was a cold blade to my heart. I wish you knew how I truly felt. I knew you were stressed out but I always told you I'd be there to listen to your worries. I meant it everytime. It makes me sad you never came to me for help or comfort. I thought you trusted me and saw me as someone special. I don't hate you. I just want to understand you.
Maybe you didn't like me anymore. Maybe you weren't ready for a relationship. I really want to know why you become so distant but I know I'll break apart if I hear your answer. I know it's because you didn't care about me anymore. I know you don't miss me. My heart can't take it. Your silence is too cruel.
If I knew I was dying tomorrow. I'd text you right now and tell you how much adored you. I'm such a coward.
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self.offmychest
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Help!! Dude my nephew is sitting next to me
HE REALLY IS
and he's asking to play Mario
and now he says its ok if I play another game
WHY DO PPL ONLINE NOT LIKE ME SO MUCH!?!?!
Usually I get out of bed at 10pm cuz I'm depressed that ppl on reddit downvote my posts or they get deleted for being off-topic or something and
MOST OF ALL I'M BEING BULLIED on tumblr and reddit
https://hamsterrivals.tumblr.com/
dude
MY NEPHEW SITTING NEXT TO ME SAID "Duude, can we just play a game?"
WHY DO PPL ONLINE NOT LIKE ME
I PLAY VIDEO GAMES WITH MY NEPHEW AND
my ham ham rivals chat byond game isn't that bad idk why people keep bulling me about it on Tumblr and Reddit saying its bad... on a game development community, they said my game had lots of side-activities to do for a BYOND game...!
DUDE MY NEPHEW IS TALKING TO ME AND STUFF HE'S SAYING I"M TYPING FAST
ALL I WANT TO DO IS GET THE APPROVAL of ppl online cuz I hate myself and I only care what people online think of me
WHY DO PPL NOT LIKE ME and keep insulting my ham ham rivals chat byond game?
I RLY DO PLAY VIDEO GAMES WITH MY NEPHEW
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self.Anxiety
|
Ready to break the cycle, looking into CBT therapy and open to any other advice. Thanks folks Recently, I graduated from college and from an outside perspective I have a great life. Family who loves me, healthy and fit, good job, etc. But I have randomly been hit by this wave of depression and feel at times there is no hope to be happy or live a life of fulfillment.
I have already tried a few techniques such as CBD and meditation but they are hit or miss at times. Has anyone had great success with CBT or any other techniques to resolve depression as a whole? Thank you so much for any advice.
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self.depression
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I don't have to go to church if I don't want to. And every Sunday you'll ruin my day for it, husband. Why can't you respect my adult decision?
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self.offmychest
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Zoloft made me act different, I hope someone's been there and can help So i've been taking zoloft for almost a year and since my hair stared to fall out too much my doc told me that zoloft might be the reason. So now im taking a lower dose (50 mg) and my hair is still falling out xD but whats important is that the efficiency of pills is getting weaker and weaker and Im starting to act different. Like, when pills were doing their job my thoughts were different, I didn't find certain people annoying, I enjoyed different music, stuff like that. I don't know who I am at this point. Anyone ever felt like this?
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self.depression
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Shitty boyfriend in high school Okay I'm just going to preface this by saying that all of this happened when I was 16-18 in high school and a lot of time has passed. I've still been feeling guilty about it lately and never actually told anyone the full story so I feel like I need to.
Grade 11, May-ish. I had been dating this girl, we'll call her Lisa, for about a year and a half -- I broke up with her about 2.5 years ago now -- Lisa and I begin growing apart throughout the course of the year. We get into an argument because I wasn't able to come out to her lake for the long weekend. My best (guy) friend went and 3 or 4 of her female friends without me. So I was pretty salty towards her and my friend this whole weekend. The two of us didn't really talk this whole time.
There's this other girl, we'll call her Annie. Annie and I had a "thing" in grade 9 but we were hella immature so nothing really came of it. However, we had always been pretty flirty towards each other. So Annie had a few people over to her house to play games and watch movies like she'd done plenty of Fridays in the past.
So I was at Annie's and I got a text from the resident stoner at our high school asking if I wanted smoke with him. I'd gotten a few texts like these in the past but that night I felt adventurous so I said fuck it why not. So I went and smoked weed for the very first time and came back to Annie's.
I eventually get home. It was pretty late but I was still texting with Annie just chatting. Then I called her. Then we ended up having phone sex. Which I didn't even feel guilty about I guess because I called her the next night and we did it again.
Fast forward a month-ish. Annie and I were working on a final project together at her house and we ended up kissing on the couch but I stopped myself like YO WTF AM I DOING. Which lead to tensions the two of being pretty high. She didn't want to be "the other woman" which honestly she had every right to feel.
So this whole time Lisa knows none of this but our relationship continued to struggle. Summer rolled around and she invited me to her lake for a weekend. Just her and I. This time I was actually able to come and it was just such a good weekend. We sort of rekindled the relationship there which should have been a happy thing but I'm a fuckin asshole and cheated on her 2 months earlier.
So basically all of grade 12 I had checked out of the relationship because I felt like I didn't deserve her. I also never told her the truth because I couldn't face the music. I honestly which I had done it because this still weighs on me almost 3 years later. I did a couple other gross things throughout the relationship that she ended up forgiving me for. Honestly a saint I didn't deserve her.
I ended up breaking up with her the summer after grade 12 without listing any of the awful things I had done. Just blamed it on other reasons.
So yeah that's me. I've never told anybody any of this but basically in high school I was an awful cheater.
For the record I haven't cheated on anyone since and have NO plans to. Also maybe a little karma, my last 2 relationships have been utter disasters...
Alright that's all, thanks for listening.
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self.offmychest
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Sometimes I wish I had someone in my life that could be here for me and maybe tell me I’m not as awful as I feel I am everyday. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Not looking forward to my mother's Golden Globes party. (VENT) [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I wasnt meant to live Im a failure. Survival of the fittest would have me dead already. Im not cut out for the world and therefore dont deserve to live. I want to die but i cant even take my own death because im such a fucking bitch.
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self.depression
|
How do you find someone to help Need help doing it I'm in the south. How can you find a partner to go with?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What is the equivalent of a hug when you have nobody to hug you? What to do when you feel like a kitty begging for someone to pet you?
That would be very easy if we had someone that wouldn’t mind us to act like loving kitties, such as a lover for instance.
But if you have nobody? What do you do?
I cry.
Or eat pie or something sweet.
And I feel way better after that.
I wish we could hug ourselves or something.
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self.depression
|
So intrusive thoughts and images are related to bipolar? (Trigger Warning) I was reading some of the older posts on here and I was really surprised. I'm newly diagnosed and thought that I was weird for decades because of the weird images and thoughts that I had. Ever since I was 11 I had them. Weird scary images that would not go away. I had it for months when I was 11. I would stay up all night and think that things were crawling on me, feel someone blowing in my ear. Hear whispers, etc. It eventually went away.
But forever, I would always get these very violent images or my thoughts telling me to do things. Like drive off a ramp, run and jump onto the train tracks, stab myself with knives (I started hiding knives away from my vision), images of myself doing horrible things to my self, images of me running over people on the sidewalk. I was always so disturbed and panicky about these. I would always get these thoughts about horrible things. When I was little, I used to pray it away (I'm an atheist now). Then I started screaming in my head to make it shut up. As I got older, I tried to ignore them. I convinced myself long ago that this person talking in my head isn't me, and is something evil trying to ruin my day. Nowadays, I noticed me talking loudly to myself to "shut up" or "leave me alone". I only do this when I'm alone.
My meds have caused these to decrease (slowly). But I'm so relieved that it wasn't just me!
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self.bipolar
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Does anyone have experiences with Effexor Xr - Zoloft ... [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I have no idea what to do with my life I'm very smart. I'm pretty. I'm good with people. I have so many opportunities that other people don't have. I could do anything I want with my life, more or less. I'm 14 years old and I have this whole world set out at my feet, all these paths that lead to amazing and beautiful places, but I can't take a step forward. I'm doing terribly in school. I don't have any real life friends. I barely eat and my legs are covered in self harm scars. I don't know what I want to do with my life and that terrifies me.
I don't know. I don't know. I don't know what I'm doing, I don't have a plan for the rest of my life, and people want me to. My parents and the school want me to go to college, I don't know if I want to, but I have to make a choice soon that will determine my whole future. I'm so, so scared.
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self.offmychest
|
I feel like an absolute creep I recently went away for a party weekend at a cabin with a large group of people, including my girlfriend.
On the second night I grabbed this girl's butt when we were coming up back to the house from the dock (not my gf). No one else was there to see. I don't know what came over me, and I immediately regretted it.
She was effectively a stranger - I've never done that to anyone before - I feel like a huge piece of shit!
After stewing on it for a few days I reached out to the girl and we had a phone conversation. I expressed my remorse and apologized multiple times - she thanked me for reaching out to her about it.
I still feel awful. I don't know how to escape this feeling :(
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self.offmychest
|
I have no idea what's wrong with me I'm a 16 year male in my junior year of high school. My freshman year was as basic as could be, but in October of my sophomore year I had my first manic episode (or at least what I think was mania). I was full of energy, got work done so fast my teachers literally couldn't keep up, I was bouncing off the walls and talking the ear off of anyone who would listen. I shot up to the top of my class, reorganized my room, and pretty much planned out my entire life. At the time I thought I was just finally growing up and hitting my stride, but then I crashed. I became depressed, my work ethic all but disappeared, and I began to feel just... empty. I would skip school, ignore friends and family, and dropped all of my hobbies like competitive video games and piano lessons. I would also have bouts of extreme anger. I self diagnosed myself with bipolar disorder because it seemed that the symptoms all matched up. However now I am not so sure. I still have the same symptoms, but they don't really fall into either bipolar 1 or 2. My manic or hypomanic phases aren't nearly long enough. The first one I had was the longest by far at about 2 or 3 months. But they have gotten shorter and shorter ever since. They usually only last 1-4 days. I know this doesn't match up with bipolar disorder at all, but something is obviously wrong with me and I really want to know what. I have gone to therapy and gotten medication, but the therapy was a really bad experience, and my doctor would just keep prescribing me anti depressants and completely ignore my mood swings. I know it's not Bipolar, so maybe I should be posting this somewhere else, but This is the closest mental disorder I could find that matches my symptoms, so hopefully someone here knows what I'm talking about.
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self.bipolar
|
I'm sorry I never really meant to say that I'm loving you less and less as days go by, because that's not remotely true. Why I said that is because I wanted to show you that the chance of losing me is there, and that it's time for you, and me to start changing and becoming better versions of ourselves. We have a long way to go, but with mutual support and care it's more than possible.
I'm sorry that i seemed cold or indifferent, but that's the only way to make you think about us and what's at stake.
What's true is what I said in the birthday message sent you, that I love you more and more each day.
I just want to see you back to your normal self, it tears me apart from the inside not knowing what consumes your mind and what made you change. All I want is to help you, because I know that from the moment I got close to you, that I never want to lose you no matter what.
Even if we don't stick through and end up being apart, that doesn't mean that I'll stop loving you.
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self.offmychest
|
How do I avoid "checking out" when I am not quite ready to leave yet? So long story short, I have had a lot of good times and bad times over the past several years. Recently things have been worse, with some major life changes contributing more than ever.
I'm tempted by the thought of just taking this game that is life, and saying "I quit. Game over." But something has stopped me up to this point.
The idea isn't that I am ready to go today, but my mind seems to have starting living every day as if the decision to leave was already made. I am blocking out friends, and doing the bare minimum at work... not pursuing anything resembling a hobby.
How do I break this cycle? Has anyone else felt themselves "checking out" when they haven't made the decision to leave yet?
Everything is already difficult enough, but this is a whole other beast from anything I have experienced. If this continues too long I truly will leave myself with nothing left to live for because I stopped looking. It's just hard to stop this mental check out. Any advice would be appreciated.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I walked a good amount today which is weird because i'm laying here looking for symptoms of a heart attack but I walked alot and could feel my heart pounding anxiety is a tricky mistress
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self.Anxiety
|
Emptiness Hello everyone.
I just wanted share my view.
I am in my early 30's. Not child and not veteran. As i see life right now, it is colorless and without taste. My earning is ok. So, no difficulties based on money.
However, all my life is spent on career. I do like my work. It is my hobby and job. Information Technologies.
Played a lot of games, watched animes, read a lot of mangas and comics. Nothing of those give enjoyment.
Friends you will ask, All of them is Fake.
No one cares. Even if i split my veins right now, only relatives will grieve for me. No one else. they may get upset a little bit and then they will judge. But for me it will be meaningless. Cause i was not alive for that moment.
But Topic is not about it.
How to fill emptiness? People, Society, life itself demands that i Play role. How i can fill emptiness when everyone just wants to use. Even i am ok being used in some circumstances, in order feel alive. But it is just for a moment.
Main issue for me and for a lot of people there is no one try to understand. They just Judge, they bash it.
I can't lie or use someone. How to get over it? Tell lies, Pretend to get someone like you. Get friends like in childhood. When person grown up, it is very difficult to get new friends... And in my case, no friends from childhood. Not from school, not from works where i worked. Maybe it is my fault, cause there was time range when i was in repeating and continuous Depression. BY relatives issues.
I don't know. Solitude is killing me slowly, but why wait? Why not make it quick???
In the end, Human being only do thing which benefits them... those who do it without thinking, is just....
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self.SuicideWatch
|
On the edge after my exam Just wrote an exam and can't even remember how it really went. I feel depressed and anxious and think I failed. Crying as I'm typing. Swallowed a handfull of anti depressants and hope I never wake up. This test was the tipping point. Doubt I can make it in life being bipolar
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self.SuicideWatch
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Just need someone to check in in me from time to to over the next few weeks It's a long story and I'll type it out if I need to but I'm in my phone. Got beat up my roomate and former friend of 10+ years. Throwing my whole world unto the air, school, housing, social circle. And I'm at my moms now and she is having surgery on the lymph node is her neck and my dad has an elevated PSA after his last visit with elevated levels. Im currently 100km from my community college and 150 from my dad! with enough gas to get there and back once maybe twice. I'm worried guys. I was already feeling down before this. Now my whole life is in turmoil, my assailant is still comfortably at home two weeks after the incident, my mom could die in less than 12 hours, my dad in a couple weeks and I'm not really sure what to do. Any comments would be great.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Can Anti Anxiety/Depression Medication (Specifically Lexapro) cause someone to become more forgetful or have their attention become diverted more easily? Hello dear readers,
I have been taking lexapro for about a year now. With in the last 6 months my dosage was increased from 10mg to 20mg. Since then I have noticed some minor behavioral changes where I have become less attentive to normal things that I usually don't have issues with. Things like forgetting or losing my keys/wallet or forgetting when I clocked in or out for a break at work. In general I have the feeling like I may be developing some form ADD. Is this a normal thing?
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self.Anxiety
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i’m stubborn and i suddenly stopped taking my antidepressants [deleted]
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self.depression
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Another wave of depression I'm feeling pretty bad right now. I've been depressed for a while but it's been getting worse. It's difficult because I know I look okay. I'm able to work, I'm able to hang out with people, I'm able to fake it. I want to have a breakdown and just get rest.
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self.depression
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I feel guilty and hate my father for wasting huge amount of money FOR ME [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I feel depressed, but I want opinions before I seek help [WARNING: LONG ASS POST] Quick note: I’m from the UK, so when I say college I’m not referring to my time at university.
Hey, I’m a 19 year old university students and I’m somewhat worried about being depressed. It may sound silly, but I don’t particularly want to see a doctor about it without first having a few opinions because I don’t want to sit through a talk for an embarrassing response of “you’re fine, that’s just life”.
I’d say I’ve been experiencing symptoms for little over a year. Last year, after messing up my exams I had to do a year at college whilst my friends went off to university and I hated it. I’m only really good at Computer Science, and so I decided to do a Games course and see if I enjoyed that, as it maintained all the technical skills I previously had from school. Not to sounds rude or pretentious, but the people on my course felt young, immature and stupid. And I didn’t judge them for that, I wouldn’t be mean about them, but I just felt that I couldn’t connect with anyone. So, ultimately, I wasn’t particularly bothered about befriending anyone on my course. I had friends from school at break times, and they were the only sort of happiness I’d get out of a college day. I hated being at college; it was easy, and it was boring. And yet, I really struggled to get work done because I lacked any form of concentration. Anything would distract me, and its not like I was trading it for a better use of my time. Hell, I would just scroll through Facebook and Twitter in an attempt to not to do work. This is still apparent now, I haven’t done anything for weeks, and yet I left an entire assignment to the night before its deadline the next day at 4, and I rushed it completely and struggled so much to concentrate whilst doing so. It was awful. I constantly tried to do it but I could never concentrate. Anything else was appealing. Procrastination has always been an issue for me but never like this. I have never managed to procrastinate so much over the several months I had to do this work, to poorly binge it all in one night. Concentration is a real issue lately. I struggle to listen to people when I’m talking. My input is mostly a stream of “mhm” and “yeah”, whilst I zone out completely. Its difficult. I want to make an effort to improve my social life but I cannot concentrate when I talk with people. When talking to friends online, I’ve even taken to telling people when I can’t concentrate on conversation, and just disengaging completely.
Throughout college, I felt alone, the people closest to me were, 1, hours away at uni, and, 2, lived abroad, so that did not help. I didn’t want to get up in the morning, I wanted to just lay there, and frankly I still do. I have no motivation to get up, no real reason. I often lay in bed for an hour or two before getting up, and I’m not even doing anything whilst being there – just sort of existing.
It was about at this time (college) in which I started losing interest in things I liked to do. I’m hardly a socialite, I spent (and still do spend) most of my time in my room playing games online, talking to my friends. I started enjoying this less and less; I used to be able to play all day, but at that point, and up to today, I can play for perhaps a couple of hours before I feel bored and suddenly lack the motivation to do anything at all. I don’t particularly have the energy to do anything, and I’ve tried reading, watching TV and films, going out walking, but I can’t find things that excite me and consume me and my time. For lack of anything better to do, I keep playing the same games even when I’m feeling awful and don’t want to do so. Recently, I’ve been able to say no to this mindset, and found just about anything else to do because continuing to play just makes me feel empty and lifeless (that sounds so very melodramatic, but it’s true).
Then there’s my sleep cycle; it is fucked. I struggle to sleep when I want to, its like I can’t even concentrate on going to bed. I’m suddenly thinking about everything else I can possibly think of. And when I do sleep, I find myself waking up once or twice a night, and ultimately I sleep in late (till near 1 o’clock quite often). This is quite an issue given the sheer amount of 9:00am starts I have in a week, so I often have to choose between getting up with little to no sleep (which is a problem given my lack of motivation to get up in the first place), and sleeping in so that I have a normal amount of sleep.
At uni, I’ve had serious ups and downs with my flatmates. During freshers I made the mistake of getting with a flatmate, and it has cause a ridiculous amount of drama. We managed to sort it the first time, I explained that I wasn’t interested and all was seemingly okay. Before Christmas, however, after a flat night out she was upset about her ex and thus took to crying about me too. She said I’d led her on and whatnot, which I feel was certainly not the case as I made it abundantly clear that I was not interested after the first time. So this caused more drama, I have half the flat having a go at me for something I honestly feel I didn’t do, and it just made me feel awful. Over the remaining term time and over Christmas holidays, the situation seems to have improved but I still feel like the drama is omnipresent. I often don’t want to leave my room. I think I eat less. I don’t want to go to the kitchen and have awkward social interactions with my flat. I do like my flatmates, mostly. But when they’re together it feels really isolating. I can, individually, get along with all but one of them, and they’re fine in small groups. But when they’re together it’s just not an environment I want to be in. They always make sly comments about my anti-social behaviour, and it really doesn’t motivate me to try and be more social with them. It feels more isolating. I feel so irritable around them as a whole, and most the time would rather be alone. Sometimes I can bear it, so I do have a chat. But it mostly feels unappealing.
Sadly enough, I think I only feel happy when I’m drinking. I try to go out once a week, and honestly it’s the only time I have any fun. But I don’t think its because of the alcohol, I think I like going out to clubs, I like that environment. And when drinking everyone is always happy, and outgoing so I think the alcohol itself is more of a gateway. There are plenty of times where drinking just makes me feel worse, and thus tired and unmotivated so I wouldn’t say that I want to drink often. I could quite easily go out 3 or 4 days a week if I felt that it would make me feel better, but I don’t. In fact, I think even this is becoming less appealing after a few nights I’ve had. I’ve been out the past say 6 weeks, and I think I only particularly enjoyed last Thursdays.
Just sorta realised how long this is, and it’s a bit lengthy.
TL;DR:
• I don’t feel happy, for over a year now
• I can’t concentrate: on work, on conversation, on sleeping
• I struggle to get to sleep, and then sleep is restless and I sleep too long
• I’m not interested in doing what I used to enjoy
• I have less of an appetite
Honestly, after writing this I think this doesn’t express my feelings as much as it should. And seems more like backstory to perhaps why I feel the way I do. I’ll post it anyway, to see what you guys think.
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self.depression
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Improvements are finally being made on my loneliness issues. I'm finally going on my first date at 23. Earlier this month I finally decided to get serious about online dating because I really want to finally put my loneliness problems to rest and made new friends, maybe meet a SO. Now, my efforts have finally born fruit! I started talking with someone and eventually became very interested in meeting her, and after a few weeks of chatting and getting more interested I asked her out and she said yes. We're just going to lunch and then the has to go Christmas shopping with her friend, but it's a first date! Finally, after about ten years of constant rejection, I can't tell myself that nobody will even give me a chance anymore. I'm so excited and relieved and I hope things go well!
Edit: Thanks for all the good wishes everyone! It went really well!
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self.depression
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When you wonder whether your best friend is still your best friend [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Medications for bipolar depression Hi everyone, I'm diagnosed bipolar I, and I'm curious as to anyone's thoughts and/or success (or lack of success) with medications. Currently, I only take small doses of Seroquel (25mg-100mg) to regulate my sleep because as long as I can consistently get 8 hours that staves off the mania.
The depression can be more subtle, but ends up being just as insidious because I don't really notice it until I'm in the thick of it. I'm thinking of taking to my psychiatrist about medication again to see if we can find something that works. List of things I've tried are:
Lamictal (broke out in a rash)
Zyprexa (too much weight gain and excessive drowsiness)
Lithium (didn't prevent a full manic episode despite taking 1800mg daily and having levels around 1.3)
Abilify (too expensive)
Vraylar (caused extreme akasthsia)
I haven't taken Seroquel with enough regularity to see if it works for depression or maintenance therapy because I really don't like the side effects.
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self.bipolar
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depression and self pity are destroying me (sorry for the length) No idea how long this is gonna be but we'll see.
I've been depressed verging on two years now. I can't even go once a day anymore without feeling like a complete piece of shit. i'm a disappointment to my dad and it's not getting any better. We fight weekly or more. i'm in my first semester at college and i don't think i've ever cared about my future or my life less. i don't have anything i want to study and nothing i want to do for a living besides sit and feel sorry for myself. i could care less about my grades or my professors. i was top of my class all of high school but i was a dumb ass and ruined my grades the final semester because i was starting the spiral i'm in right now. i'm just a wreck. i don't feel like anything i do can make this better cause of the situation i'm in. i feel useless. i think all the time about how worthless i am, how i'm not passionate about any talents that would get me a career, how i have so many mental conditions or whatever that i'm too fucked up for anyone to truly want to get close to me. i hate myself. i don't see any future for myself at all. I'm 19 and i still haven't even gotten a car or my license because i don't feel confident enough to take the test. i have yet to have a single job. i very often think that i won't let myself make it to 25 or 30 because i'll have proven myself a failure by that point and i won't have anything to live for. i'm always the last option, the person everyone backs off from once they get to know me.
i feel like i've only had one girl ever actually care about the "true me," whatever the fuck that means. fell in love with her senior year, we got super emotionally intimate but she wanted to stay as close friends instead of having something. hurts every time i talk to her. can't feel anything else when talking to other women; it just feels like a shadow of what i felt for her.
my dad had super high expectations for me. he wanted me to go to a very nice college on preferably a full or almost full ride on scholarships and become this workaholic money earning machine so he could be "proud of me." i can't stand him now. i deliberately act on the opposite of his advice or instructions, and nowadays i will deliberately not do something just because he wants me to do it. nothing he does towards me seems to be out of affection for his son; he just wants to mold me into a model upper middle class citizen so he can tout me to his other pilots when he goes to work. he's pretty much devoid of emotion towards me. i feel like he's a robot often. he is an extreme workaholic that's never had problems with goals, motivation, getting what he wants. in fact, the only things in his life that could be seen as going wrong are things about me/related to me/me in general.
i haven't been in touch with my mother for 2.5 years now. she accused me of physically assaulting and robbing her the last time we saw each other as mother and son. i don't miss her, nor do i believe her absence from my life is the reason for any of this. my childhood with her can only be described as extremely toxic and emotionally abusive. however i do certainly believe that some of my current mental problems come from the insane amounts of dysfunction from my upbringing.
any confidence or positive self-image i had in the past is beyond completely ruined. i can only see negative things about myself now. my dad has spent the last year telling me how pathetic and immature i am and that if i don't become an entirely different person i'll never be worth anything. i never thought of myself as attractive but now i almost can't look at myself. i'm short and it affects me now hundreds of times more than it used to, because i know i'm forever gonna be stuck at 5'6" while almost everyone i know is at least 4 or 5 inches taller than me if not more.
i've been an outcast in varying shapes and sizes most of my life. it started with horrific levels of bullying in middle school, and i've never felt very accepted since. i'm the outsider looking in. i'm the one who everyone either forgets to invite or intentionally doesn't.
i keep in touch with almost nobody i used to. pretty much all of my good friends have left town and are enjoying their lives to the fullest. most of the friendships i've had over the years feel superficial at best. if anyone actually did seem close to me and think i was worth being close to, i feel like it's because they don't know how truly fucked up of a person i am. there's no place where i'm wanted, and almost nobody would care if i suddenly died.
in fact if i'm honest, i'm half amazed i haven't grown more of a self-harm habit or suicidal tendencies. i have suicidal thoughts nowadays, sure, but for whatever reason i'm not very keen on actually intentionally harming myself, no matter my mood. i can tell i'm getting closer to that point though.
whether or not i expressed them here, i have thoughts like this regarding pretty much every aspect of my life. this isn't everything wrong, i'm sure, but it's a big part of it. i'm sure the more i sat here the more i could come up with but whatever. i'm not entirely sure what i'm asking for or getting out of writing this. i know the self pity is a self fulfilling destructive spiral but i don't feel like i can do anything about it. maybe it's a cry for help or just a way to vent. i don't know. don't have much more to say at the moment though so guess i'll wrap it up here.
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self.depression
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Getting through the bad days is becoming more and more difficult [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I've been told so many times that I cling to my depression, that I'm depressed because I want to be [deleted]
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self.depression
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My mom getting mad at me about my anxiety [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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People who suffer From Anxiety; How do you Cope with Exam Taking Anxiety? Hey all. So I am preparing for this exam which is probably going to determine where I end up in life. And f that isn't stressful enough theres always the pressure of seeing your parents overworking themselves, seeing peers doing way better than yourself (exam/life/marriage etc everything). But you're stuck with this one exam and nothing is going to go forward unless you take it and do well on it.
I have been working my ass off for the last year and while I feel somewhat ready to take this exam, my brain starts to go into full panic mode whenever a practice test draws nearer (I have taken em before, didnt do so great but now I hope I have worked harder and it will pay off). But I do notice my exam anxiety makes me forget things and revision seems too overwhelming. If anyone could share how to cope with this and not let it hinder my performance I would be really grateful!
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self.Anxiety
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Merry Christmas My Love! Today! What an amazing time together. This morning was incredible, as it always is. Walking in and seeing you at lunch was like sunshine on a gloomy day. Pure peace & comfort. The words your wrote to me in your card - absolutely incredible. So unbelievably beautiful. I am so profoundly lucky! All my love.
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self.offmychest
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Would like advice on getting back into dating Hi there.
I've had difficulty with getting back into dating and I'd like some advice. Here's some background-
I have had MDD for about 13 years, diagnosed PTSD for around 6 years. I've only been in one serious relationship/in love. I sabotaged it in a semi-psychotic state after being prescribed Methylphenidate (don't know why they prescribed that to me). Since then, (about 4 years) I haven't really dated and have been focusing on improving my life from within. I feel I am ready to try dating again, but I am having a lot of trouble.
I've been using dating apps like Tinder, but I feel like I am not really cut out for it (see self esteem issues). I get frustrated by it.
I have had maybe two or three opportunities to meet up with someone, but I end up trying to find ways out of it.. I desperately want to connect but I feel like I get ruminations of "when they learn that I am ___ or that I had to move back with my parents, or see that I am underweight they will be disinterested anyways".
I know what causes these thoughts, and I battle everyday to accept them, but when it comes to dating I get hit hard with worry and guilt. I'd like to just throw this out there, maybe someone can share their experience or maybe even provide insight.
Thanks for reading
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self.depression
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My teachers way if describing homelessness almost made me tear up [deleted]
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self.depression
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The only reason I'm still alive is that I'm afraid of death. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Finally reading a book of poetry by Rumi... This one gave me so much solace [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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My gf thinks I don't care what she has to say because I can't concentrate and lose interest quick. Bipolar 1 here. To start, I have issues with my executive functioning, meaning memory, concentration, etc, due to neurological damage from our lovely disease. Even when I'm stable, I am very poor at focusing, remembering, and most certainly splitting my attention and multitasking. Gf knows this very well. My attention span is wildly short...I often lose interest in an answer right after asking a question. So it's difficult to sit thru her long winded answers.
She has been incredibly patient and id be lying if I say she's not understanding for the most part. I know I've got to get a hold on it because eventually she's going to start resenting me. I forget so much of what we talk about, what she says to me, or what happened. I can't multitask so if I'm focused on one thing, it doesn't matter if something else is going on in the room...my brain will not split attention effectively.
Amongst the things she has become reasonably irritated at, she lately is especially bothered by the fact that I will ask questions that were just answered or evident from the conversation happening in the room. I live with her and her bf (we're poly), and so there's often a conversation going on where not all of us are involved. For some reason she expects me to be listening to all their conversations.
Yesterday, she wanted to talk to me about it. She start crying saying she feels I don't think what she says is important because I don't listen. She's frustrated w/ the fact that I'll ask her a question, then tune out a few seconds after she begins answering or that my attention will fizzle out when I'm working on something and she starts talking to me.
Kept telling her I understand why she would be frustrated, and that I myself am very frustrated with my concentration. Kept trying to explain that I lose attention with my own self! I'll get up to get something and lose track of the thought and forget why I got up! Or I'll have to read the same sentence 5x.
I get that I'm probably extremely annoying for having to constantly ask her to repeat or answer questions I would've known had I remembered or been listening. I'm seriously trying to take steps to improve my concentration, especially since I know and accept now that I cannot at all multitask. But it's frustrating for me to have her understand I'm handicapped in this way, but then still hold the same expectations of me that she would someone without these problems. I tried giving her a solutions on many occasions (call my name or tap me to get my attention before just talking expecting me to automatically focus on you), but she doesn't really do it, or if she does, she still expects me to be listening when she doesn't first do it.
So my questions are: 1) How can I effectively communicate that I need her to employ my solution so that we don't keep having this issue of unmet expectations; 2) for those who have cognitive issues, what are some strategies and tools I can use to be better...I would be very annoyed to have to deal with myself; 3) is there anything else I can do? Or a link I can show her?
Tldr; I have issues with concentration and memory due to BP, and while my girlfriend is very understanding and patient when it comes to memory, she really gets frustrated with me when it comes to concentration. She won't really take up my solution to this problem either, and holds me up to the same standard she has of other people who don't have cognitive issues. What do I do?
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self.bipolar
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Wanting to help a friend Hey guys, never thought I'd have to post here, but here's hoping I can get some direction on how to proceed.
So this friend I worked with about 10 years ago, and stayed somewhat in touch through time, until the last few years, is going through a really rough time.
He made a stupid decision years ago that made it so he's a felon. He didn't do time I think, or much, but it was affecting the jobs he could get. He wanted to work in security, but no one would hire him. So he would take shit jobs with shit pay and shit hours just to live. Then he went up northern Quebec to take care of some check point cabin, all alone in the woods for 3 months in the dead of winter. Then he came back, worked more shit jobs, until 2 years ago, he moved back home with his parents.
Has been struggling with work and life since. And then to add on top of it all, his dad killed himself in May. I've reached out to him since then, he never replied. I don't have his phone number or address.
Then today he wrote back, after I wrote to him a few times during the holidays, and he said his life is absolute shit, he's barely getting buy, his car is getting repossessed, he's digging through garbage for food for him and his pet animals, which seem to be his only lifeline at this point, according to him. He hasn't seen anyone, all his family is gone. He stays inside days, weeks, months at a time. He doesn't shave, shower or brush his teeth.
Numerous times through our conversation he said he's been thinking about killing himself for the past 4 months, thinking about it more and more. His mental health has detoriated, despite taking meds, seeing doctor and all, he said none of it help. He seems to have truly given up on life.
I asked him what his next steps were, what can be done once he sees another psychiatrist. He says that he just wants to shoot himself in the next few weeks or whatever.
After consulting with my friends, I called the local suicide hotline office and explained the situation. She said to try to get him to call them, or to get his phone number so they could call him and speak with him. I even gave him my number again so he can call me if he wants. Although I haven't seen him in so many years, and he lives about 5 hours away, I'm willing to take the time off work to go see him and be with him, so he's not alone.
I wrote to him, but he hasn't read/answered my last 4-5 messages. If he doesn't give feedback, I was thinking my next step would be to call the police? I don't have his address, but they surely would, what with his dad's suicide, and his license is almost revoked from too many road rage incidents. So I'm pretty sure they would know who it is if I called them.
Am I skipping any vital steps here, or calling the police to go care for him is the next logical step? I have no contact with any family or friends of his, I don't have his phone number, nor his address, and I live 5 hours away. And I've never dealt with this kind of situation, so any advice would be appreciated.
Sorry for any typos.
Edit: He's in his late 30's I'd say, possibly in his 40s already.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why do people think introversion is a sign of hostility? Most of Christmas I was just on my own and I know that it was the wrong thing to do especially considering that we had a huge party over at my house. I just got nervous at the thought of meeting and greeting people I haven't seen in months or even years.
Add that to the fact that a lot of those people don't really like me much anyway. I don't know why I have to be the way that I am. I wish I was someone who knew want to say when it mattered. Someone who who was a lot more social.
Today after drinking so much yesterday, I got a really bad case of poisoning (alcohol) and I've been vomiting all day and I'm still not really in good condition. I've been sleeping all day. But what gets me is that there are still some people who are taking this as me being hostile and being against them.
I don't know .
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self.depression
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It's coming back again After taking a year leave from my university (mainly because I constantly broke down on every given assignments), I thought I'll be stronger enough to go through my classes again this year.
But after visiting my campus constantly.. It gets tiring and I feel like I'm on a verge of tears. It is not helping that my actual classes starts tomorrow. Seeing students together made me feel alone. I don't even know if I want to start a conversation because I had to cut ties with a close friend who was actually toxic.
I thought I was getting better but my feelings said otherwise. I must be in denial because I've been oversleeping for the past week while my throat gets tensed up.
I really hate this feeling.
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self.depression
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Is it possible to be hypomanic but get tired? I’ve been hypomanic for over a week but I just started a new job and I’ve been getting pretty tired. This past weekend I had energy like insane and was never tired. I still have almost all the same symptoms (just haven’t been smoking as much) except I actually do feel tired sometimes. I’ve been getting less sleep though still and still doing better than I would if I wasn’t hypomanic. I’ve also been fighting this weird nausea and exhaustion for the weeks leading up to hypomania so idk if that could be it too? I’m also getting super irritable now even though I was euphoric earlier. I know this is all over the place (yay racing thoughts) but idk what to think. I’m so new to recognizing bipolar symptoms so this is all strange to me. Like am I mixed? Idk ahhhhhh. I’m so fucking confused.
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self.bipolar
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Does depression affect your immune system I'm just wondering because every time my depression gets particularly bad, I start feeling physically ill.
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self.depression
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13, addicted to opioids and i hate myself I can't even look in the mirror without crying about the disaster I've become, and the only time I feel somewhat good is after I eat my pills. Recently I realized how easy it would be to OD myself, but I'm also scared of that. Sorry if this is dumb or something but I really don't know what to do right now.
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self.SuicideWatch
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An obsessive-compulsive fear of uncertainty/health anxiety? I have diagnoses of severe, complex OCD and schizoaffective disorder. I am currently freaking out because over the last few weeks, a few times I have passed dark orange urine that looked like it might contain blood. I think it coincides with my change of medication. I’m going to see a nurse and have a dip test tomorrow, but in the meantime even though I’m young and otherwise physically healthy, I cannot seem to shake the fear that it will be something awful. Does anyone else have a crippling, utterly obsessive attitude over every small uncertainty, especially health anxiety? Any advice would be greatly appreciated- thank you 😊
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self.Anxiety
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We won! My mum beat that motherfucker!
It took 9 months but she got an all clear from her oncologist!
We fucking won! She beat cancer! It took surgery and the shock of finding more of it than first thought but in the end it didn't matter!
I am the proud son of someone that isn't just a cancer SURVIVOR, she's a cancer BEATER!
Wooooooooo!
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self.offmychest
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I am screaming internally - I just need someone to talk to Hi - how are you today? Had a good thanksgiving? I have been struggling internally for the longest time – it feels like every waking hour of my life is just me screaming from the inside out, I often clench my fists in rage and anger from so much internal confusion and pain - I am just looking for people to have a genuine conversation with, life feels like a neverending disgrace that was bestowed upon me when I was born, after living for so long and living so many different experiences, I just feel like I will NEVER achieve happiness. I have no idea what it looks like, there are only moments in which you distract yourself from the bigger picture, which is the neverending shitshow that life is, just writing this fills me with a desire to end it all. I'm sorry if I upset you, I just needed to get it off my chest ;)
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self.offmychest
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half of pills gone, half to go already consumed 3 paracetamol and 8 ibuprofen, still have 13 paracetamol and 4 ibuprofen to go but i'm full of water, taking about 5 mins break before resuming
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm honestly want to quit drinking I'm 35. I've been drinking regularly since I was 23 or so. I hate it now. I had a bad drug problem in my teens - you name it I did it...
I was stone cold sober for a few years in before my 1st yr in college, but somehow I ended up a drunk back in my clubbing days and never quite stopped.
I drink mostly wine. I want to be better so I stay away from hard liquor, but I still drink about 2 bottles a night.
I feel myself getting stupider and hate it. Today, at work, I was reading my annual goals from last year and could barely understand my own words. It's pathetic and I hate where I'm at.
I try to quit and somehow I just don't...
Edit: grammar...
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self.offmychest
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Letter to my ex boyfriend.
I want you back. I miss how we used to be. I miss how you'd look at me with your precious brown eyes when you knew I was upset. I miss you saying my name in a sing songy voice. I miss you patting your lap when you were in your chair, motioning for me to sit on your lap. I miss our special way of telling eachother that we want kisses. I'll never let anyone else do that with me. That was ours. Only ours. I miss you complaining about how your tummy hurt. I miss you always making me laugh. I miss you saying how you loved me. I miss your strong, comfortable hugs. I miss holding your hand. I miss cuddling on my couch, watching vine compilations with your head on my shoulder. I miss you always playing with my nose ring. I miss our special spot we always used to go to that was down the road from my place. I miss adventuring with you. I miss when you'd watch your silly shows that ranged from fishing to medical disasters. I miss your family. I miss you bickering with your brother. I miss seeing all of you play around. I miss your sweet mom and stepdad. I miss your dogs. I miss your bed with the mattress that hung off the bottom. I miss your faded purple and grey blanket you slept with. I miss the pillow that had a blood stain on it from your bloody noses you always got. I miss your old house, where we'd have the same bus stop. I miss how we'd always sit in the second seat on the left row of the bus, behind the bus driver. You'd always get the window side. Now, I avoid sitting in that seat at all costs. I miss walking to your house in ten minutes. I miss how whenever you'd come over and you had to leave, we'd always stop at the stop sign when you had to cross the road and we'd constantly hug and kiss and smile, not wanting you to go. But sadly you had to and you told me that you'd text me when you got home to tell me you were safe.
March - early June were the best months for us. I saw all the good in you. But you only saw the bad in me. You saw how I was depressed because of you. Even though we did so many great things, you never truly put effort into us. It was mostly me. I was the one getting you things, suggesting we go out, etc. You would always be sexual when we were together. I hated that. When we went camping in May with your best friend and his brother, you avoided all of us for the first day and a half. I don't know why. You were in the RV when your best friend and I went into your grandfather's cabin to talk. We spoke for an hour about you. He told me that you were acting strange and you were falling out of love with me. You were my best friend and that really hurt me. I remember going back down to the camp site later that night. I fell asleep in our tent and your grandmother thought ypur best friend was cheating on his girlfriend with me. That was pretty funny. I remember us being like "what the fuck?" for a few until we ate s'mores. I remember us going into the RV for water and you saw i was upset so you asked what was wrong. I told you and i could see on your face that you felt bad. We went back outside and you sat in a foldable chair and looked up at me with your beautiful brown eyes and told me to sit down on your lap. God, that made my heart flutter and it made me smile so much. I miss that, as well. I miss your amazing morning voice. You sounded so much more attractive than any male celebrity. Hell, you were my male celebrity. I wish you knew how much love I had/have for you. But when we went to bed you kept trying to fuck and I said no. For three days you tried that. You knew i hated it so it died down for a while. Once I showed my feelings to you more often about the problems we were having, that's when you changed. You could never take the blame for anything and that's what i disliked about you. You were so stubborn. Then one day you told me to stop spamming you with texts about how i loved you because it was annoying. So i did. You worked a lot and I respected that. I treated you like you were my everything. You still are. I was the best thing to ever happen to you. We both know that. Your ex girlfriend cheated and treated you like shit. I loved you. I still love you. When your best friend and his girlfriend confronted you about how you were being a dick, you blew up on them. That caused us all to not be friends for a few months. I hated that. I hate how I sucked up to you so much. You started getting cold with me. So that's when i suspected you were flirting with other people. When i confronted you about it, you'd go off on me. I was just curious, i never once accused you of anything. You used to be so loving to me, but you made yourself believe I was ruining everything. All I wanted was to fix things. That was totally possible.
You ended things over text one night after work in September. I had a concert to go to the next day. I just got done telling you how it was important we spoke about things. You say i pressured you so much to open up. I never pressured you. I told you to take your time, and that was okay. You never explained yourself when you got upset. You said you were done with us and me. You pulled the stupid excuse, "I'm graduating soon and high school relationships never work so what's the point, and plus i need to focus on things i need to do before i turn 18 in a couple weeks". God, you had all this time to focus on that shit. We got together in March. You could've done so much in that time. Why did you even use that as an excuse? I was pissed and upset and tried telling you one last time that it was okay. That we could even take a break. But you were done with me. You don't know how badly that crushed me. It was NOT my fault for being depressed. I worked with what I had. I don't understand how you couldn't see that. I cared so fucking much for you. You then blocked me on everything. The next day at the bus stop you avoided all eye contact with me. I was so scared to sit next to you, but I did it in hopes that you'd talk to me. You ended up looking at me with your sad eyes and then put both headphones in. I tried to hold your hand but you didn't reciprocate anything. I felt so helpless. That same night, I went to the metal concert that you were supposed to go with me too. You weren't a fan of my music but you still supported it. So when I got there, I blocked out everything and enjoyed myself. It was one of the best times in my life, apart from times with you.
As days went on, you eventually moved to a neighborhood a few miles away. You avoided me at school. I started hanging out with a mutual friend from our friend group because he was the only one that could understand what was going on. We're best friends now. He helped me through the whole breakup. He got me into smoking to deal with the pain. I hated it, i thought it was stupid. I was too scared of getting cancer so that's another reason why I stopped. I started writing lyrics to help instead, and I'm glad I did that because now I can focus on making music. I never could do that when i was with you. I guess it's my fault for spending so much time on you. I never wanted you to think that i didn't care. But then a month ago or so you started hanging out with this other girl trying to get in her pants. I was so hurt my that. I couldn't believe you lied to me. I reconnected with your best friend and his girlfriend shortly before we discovered you. They both dislike you now. I wish i could dislike you as much as they do. That girl then moved so you had no one. For 3 weeks or so,I've been hanging out with your original friend group. They all like me more than you because I'm the bigger person, they say. Whenever you'd walk up and see me there, you'd look annoyed and turn around and leave. I remember you getting angry that I'd always hug our mutual friend, to where you got so mad that you made a rumor about us dating at your work. That was so stupid of you to do. For the past two days at school you've actually been hanging out with our friends for the whole duration of lunch. You still avoid looking at me. The tension between us is so awkward and strange. I hate it. You haven't spoken to me in 3 months. I believe you feel bad for what you did and you don't want to communicate about it. Whenever I see you, I just want to yell at you, yet hug you so tight and tell you that I still love you. At my therapy sessions, we've talked so much about you. Some of my feelings for you have definitely changed. I have realized that you treated me like shit in the long run and I didn't deserve you and you don't deserve me. It's hard to think of our old memories and instantly cry. I end up crying, but very little now. I think it's because I don't feel much of an importance to you as I did. Trust me, you're still so damn important to me. I love you still. I stop myself from laughing when you've been hanging out with all of us because i don't want you to think I'm still not hurt and upset over you. But you're still so funny. I love that side of you. I wish you could look at me. You can, but you refuse to. I wish you'd glance at me and see that I still care. I hope you're going to go to the hangout our 5 friends are planning at your best friends house on new years eve. I wouldn't even call you guys best friends anymore, however. It's sad to see how we've all lost respect for you. You turned into an even bigger dick after we ended. I hate how everyone doesn't like you as much as they used to. I feel sorry for you. But you brought it in yourself, sadly. I hope you go to the hangout and you notice me there. I hope you get the courage to come up to me. I'd go up to you, but it's your turn to initiate things. I want closure so badly, and this is my last attempt. I've prepared myself for the outcome. Maybe you won't come up to me at all. I keep imagining what I want to happen: you seeing me and telling me to come outside with you because we need to talk. You opening up to me about how you're sorry and how you miss me and want me back. Us hugging it out and me accepting your apology and forgiving you, taking you back.
It sounds stupid. I know. If only things could work that way. I'm not even sure I'd take you back, though. The love is still there, but the respect isn't. I feel terrible making mean comments about you with our friends. I say it all out of anger and hurt. I feel terrible. I want to open up to you about that someday. I want to apologize for all of that. I hate the thought of you being hurt. I hate it so much.
I just hope that things go the way I plan them to go. If they don't, which they more than likely won't... I guess I'll just have to get over it. My hope is almost gone at this point. I know nothing will ever be the same. I'm holding onto the old you. I'm aware. But maybe things can be fixed. There's a very small chance that they can be. I'm still willing to try it out.
I don't know what to say anymore. I've been typing this for almost an hour, and my arms are cramping up from me laying down in this position. I know you'll never see this, but I love you more than anything, P. I want you back, even if it means we're just friends. I know I will be okay even if that never happens. You taught me a very valuable lesson in the 8 months we knew each other for. You taught me to not put my entire being into somebody. You showed me exactly what I didn't want in a guy. I hope you enjoyed the early days like I did. I know you have to think about me, and wonder how things could've been different. I hope that soon, we can properly communicate and find closure within ourselves and each other.
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self.offmychest
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I don't want to live, but I don't want to die. I wander alone. I've never known a good home. From a father that worked tirelessly to a mother who worked to avoid caring. From a brother that is violent beyond my comprehension to ailing grandparents who raised me to be who I am.
I want friends, yet I'm afraid of people. I want a relationship, yet I fear opening up. I want to be comfortable with people, yet I constantly fear that I'll be hurt yet again. People will tell me time and time again just how much they love me and my company, yet it always falls to me to make the plans. Thus far, I have had one person who actually seems to care about me, yet I cannot have him. He's not ready to date and I understand that, but I want him in a way that I barely understand. I caught feelings and I'm fucking destroyed.
This life is cruel and sweet, all at the same time. This life has provided me with wonderful memories, yet they're all dripping in pain. Only through forced change in my perspective am I able to see the good, but I'm slipping. Some day, I feel like I'm standing on solid ground with good footing. Others, I feel as though I'm teetering on the edge of an abyss I may never be able to crawl out of.
Loneliness fucks you up in ways you can never understand unless you've experienced it. Loneliness affects the way you see other people, good things in life, and yourself. As soon as I get a taste of not having loneliness in my life, whatever good came is ripped away as fast as it came.
I'm exhausted. I survive only through the use of a drug of negligible harm because it's the only thing that allows me any sense of peace and calm and sanity in a life that seems to have none. I'm at my wit's end. I don't know who I am. I don't know what I am. I feel useless, worthless, and a failure. I want to escape this horrid, wretched life, yet I can't. I could never hurt my grandmother like that. She's my best friend and I know I will lose her soon. Her disease is advancing faster than I thought.
I'm so, so tired. Tired, tired. Tired...
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self.offmychest
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Light therapy vs behavioral therapy for winter depression? My therapist and doc suggested I try light therapy this winter. I am aware of the risk of hypo/mania with light therapy and will monitor accordingly, hypomania can be a concern for me in spring. My pdoc will be in the loop, I'm sure since he loves sleep hygiene so much he'll love this.
However I read an [article](https://www.thecut.com/2016/01/sad-lamp-light-therapy-for-seasonal-depression.html) comparing light therapy vs CBT. It says that light therapy only benefits half the people with SAD, given how much affected I am by light I have a sneaky suspicion that it will help. Also it mentions that CBT is more effective and lasts longer, that when light boxes were taken away the relapse rate is higher than the relapse rate of CBT.
Though I'm sure that people need to continue to practice CBT regularly on their own after the therapy sessions are over in order for it to work. I will be unlikely be consistent with either of them. And am unlikely to do CBT unless in a group. With DBT the work occurred in classes themselves, I am very bad about homework. Plus I HATED CBT.
There is a [CBT book](https://www.amazon.com/Coping-Seasons-Cognitive-Behavioral-Treatments/dp/0195341082) specifically for SAD recommended in the article, it's abit expensive, but cheaper than a light therapy lamp.
I don't really recall DBT helping winter depression much, though it seemed to lessen depressive episodes overall. This year I'm relapsing into deeper depressions, haven't cracked open the binder in a year.
Has anyone tried either method for winter depression? Success? Or not?
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self.bipolar
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Does high-intensity interval training have the same anti-anxiety effects as moderate-intensity cardio? I know that cardio can have anti-anxiety effects. I am going to start a cutting routine that involves HIIT (high intensity interval training) and was curious if it has the same anti-anxiety effects that moderate-intensity cardio, such as jogging, does? Has anyone tried this?
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self.Anxiety
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Which are the positive affirmations and quotes that help you in your darkest hours?
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self.Anxiety
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sup Hey, i've been thinking about this for a long while now, nothing seems to change and its been going for a couple of years now, im not even that old yet like but damn i suck at life. I've been lying to myself these last couple of years thinking "life will get better if i try!!1", the truth is it clearly wont, i suck, some people do but they manage, i just cant anymore. Im tired.
Reality is not with me anymore, i used to be a good kid, im not a good guy now. I'v lost touch with reality not long ago(or so i think) and it's going downhill even faster since then. I used to have a girlfriend and we loved each other, we've been together for like 4 years but shit wasn't working anymore, we got tired of each other i guess so somehow we broke up, and for a couple of months i felt that i could make it myself, to truly feel good about life in general, to truly believe theres a brighter tomorrow. It was all lies to feel good momentarily. shit i dont even know what to do anymore. i go to work and im about to get fired for underperforming in a fucking callcenter. I've been trying to learn programming last year but i would never be able to get a job in the area because i will never pass a psychiatric test or however it's called in english.
Depression (with drugs and tabacco) ate the remaining neurons i had in myself, im just a zombie who cant sleep more than 3 hours a day. I can't see past my fucking nose anymore. fuck.
I feel sorry you read trough all of this, you deserve better, gbye
gbye
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self.SuicideWatch
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Money always plays a role I can never afford my college text books, so I end up dropping a lot of classes. And then, because I drop, I become eligible for less and less financial aid. So, like, I get penalized for being poor, and my punishment is to be even poorer. I’ve tried explaining this to financial aid, but they don’t care at all. I really want my degree; I have no skills and really need to have what it takes to get a good job and make a living wage. But, like, money sucks.
I’m incredibly down. It feels like our society hates poor people, even though I’m doing everything in my power to change my situation. It just sucks having to pick between food and books. But oh well. 🙃
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self.SuicideWatch
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High school and life outside of that has mentally damaged me so much that I just wanna forget about everything and start new once I start college next year. I wanna forget my dad who's an asshole but I prob can't. I just watch porn to escape reality. Ik it's sad.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I love you Ryan, dolly. I feel like a faliure as a mother I can't fix myself and I'm trying so hard to be better. My two kids will have it better if I'm not around. I don't think I'll make it through the night.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don’t remember the last time I did well on a final exam And by well I mean just scrapping a meager B. Sometimes I feel lucky to get a C though.
Ever since high school I’ve never performed well on final examinations, maybe due all of them being at the same time. Or maybe I’m just a bad test taker. I will admit that I psyche myself out and could definitely improve my study habits. I just wanted to take some time to be honest with myself. I either just invented a new approach to math or I just completely bombed my physics final.
Hope you guys are having a better day tho :)
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self.offmychest
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I’m not giving my son the best life and it kills me I currently live in a homeless shelter with my 2 year old son. Our ‘Departure Date’ is Thursday, April 26. I don’t have enough money for an apartment, we only get $61/mo in food stamps, and will be living out of my car. My son’s dad took everything and left (and is now awaiting a prison sentence for unrelated charges). I just sit back and think how the fk did we get here? How is this life fair to my son? Where do we go from here? I’m too embarrassed to admit my situation to everyone, and the people I have can’t help. When we leave here we have got nothing. I feel like I’m in a cartoon where the rain cloud follows me everywhere I go. I don’t let my son see me cry, but it’s killing me. We need help and I feel like we’re invisible.
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self.depression
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I fucked up real bad and I do not deserve to live. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I've been suicidal for most of my life I can remember my first suicidal thought at 5-6. I learned that people can die, kill other people and be killed. I thought to myself "why live if life is not worth living?" My first attempt was in 4th grade but I failed leaving me with severe throat scarring. I'm 16 now and since have had a suicidal thought every few minutes. No friends reach out to help me, I have no friends. No family to stop me. I promised myself to wait until 18 but life has given me 0 reasons to live 2 more years so I've decided to hang myself soon when I find the strength.
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self.depression
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I don't know what to do anymore I know that there are plenty of people who dislike me, even those I consider friends probably find me insufferable at the best of times. I wish I knew how to change it, I wish I knew what I'm doing wrong, but I don't and it's eating away at me.
Maybe it's my mind playing tricks on me, my anxiety has gotten out of control.
At the very least, it's motivating me to try and improve myself, so I guess it's not all bad. It just sucks not to know where I'm supposed to start.
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self.depression
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Posted this a hundred times, but i need to chat. I'll listen to you too :)
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self.bipolar
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I'm so tired...I just want the pain and stress to disappear. I'm at my end. I am so tired of life and the constant pain and stress that death is starting to not look so scary. The internal mechanics that keep one from doing harm to oneself is breaking down. Every day for the past 3 years has been a struggle. I am so lonely and can't open up to my family or friends because of my BS insecurities that I have about how they will look at me if they know how much I am hurting. I have always been the one that seems to have it together and was the one that people come to for help. I take solace in that I can help others and have always been there for them. But I feel that I can't be that person anymore if I show the flaws. I have always been guarded about my own feelings and situation. I know its BS but I can't ignore those feelings. Currently, I have mounting debt and no income. I live alone and all my friends have married and live their lives. I have no one to talk to. I look into the future and see that there is no way out except one. I have read a lot on these boards and I can't escape that no matter how well intended the advice may be, to not give up, or that people love you, or that something will come up...the reality is that unless I come into a large sum of money, nothing is going to change the situation. Tomorrow will bring the same problems (there are a lot more issues than money going on but that's the first catalyst)...it's like people sending thoughts and prayers, those don't do anything. When you don't see a future or prospects there is no reason to go on....I just want it to end.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Pre-Interview Panicking Longtime lurker, but I feel like I need to get this off of my chest. I'm freaking myself out over something that I should be excited about. It's a long one.
I was medically retired from the Army two months ago. My anxiety became horrible since I don't have a purpose other than SAHM activities and the panic/PTSD making me a hermit.
I applied for a part-time job at a barn scooping poop, feeding, etc. It shouldn't be a big deal since I did it as a volunteer for years at my previous duty station.
My mind is already thinking of ways I can get out of it and why I'm not qualified. I'm petrified of messing up the interview. I tend to panic in new situations and talking to new people - my brain shuts down and I don't remember anything if I don't write it down.
It's been a few hours since she called, but I'm still shaking and my stomach is in knots.
I've also got to work out before/after school daycare since I have one kid doing part time preschool and my husband has a crazy schedule (which has me worried about working evenings). Part of me wishes it was another volunteer position so I can let the kids play around the barn while I work.
I'm obsessive over planning for *everything* that could go wrong and preparing as much as possible, and I'm not sure what to expect and it's driving me up the wall.
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self.Anxiety
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I want to pour my heart out to a girl, but I know I can't. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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School Programs I have 3 kids, ages 10, 11 and 11. Tonight the 10 yo and one of the 11 year olds both had concerts. That meant the parents had to go to separate concerts. My anxiety aid for these things is having someone to talk to, to hold my hand when I start getting a twitch, to distract me when all the talking voices and all the people all around me make me feel like I can't breathe. And tonight I didn't have that. I got asked if I was ok, if I could handle this as I messaged him to distract myself as my heart raced, my hands shook and breathing became more difficult. I was waiting for the concert to start. People were adding chairs around me so my end seat became a middle seat surrounded. All I said was yes, I will do this. For our daughter I will do this. And I did. I messed on my phone until the concert started, playing a solitaire game to distract from everyone around me. And once it started, I focused on her. Because she was what mattered. It's a small win, 30 minutes in a gym full of people, but it's a win. And I'll take it
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self.Anxiety
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I feel like I'm always waiting Always waiting for time to pass so I can go home from work, so I can go to bed. I'm having a really hard time just living in the moment. I just feel so lonely.
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self.depression
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want to end my life want to end my life putting this off for years I'm 54 years old hate my life want to end my life
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self.SuicideWatch
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I can't go home I'm sitting in my cold car doing online surveys to make enough money to buy gas to go home
I've literally never felt more alone in my life than I do right now
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self.offmychest
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I hate being nice to people. I get nothing out of it. It just feels like I am in a losing situation. They get something, and I get nothing. I also notice that no one really tries as hard as I do when the situation is reversed. So doing anything for them just feels like energy going into a black hole. I hate that it's expected and that people are always waiting to pounce on what you are not doing for them. I hate that the efforts I make go unnoticed, but if I make a mistake, it's all people ever remember. I hate that no one is ever as good to me as I am to them. It's just a waste of my time. To be honest, being openly hostile or mean to people just feels better. No facades, no favors, no inconveniences. It's basically what other people are like on any given day anyway ...
Being nice or w/e feels like someone is taking something away from me.
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self.offmychest
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I've been teetering for a month now and I feel like it's time. I give myself 24 hours every day to try to not feel like this. I think this is my last 24 hours. Today was the icing on the cake and it sucks because I can't even bring the words up to explain the situation I'm in. I just hate my life, I hate myself and i want everyone to hate me.
I tried talking to the suicide hotline today and they really seemed like they didn't give a shit. I can't even cry anymore I'm just blank inside. Please I need someone to talk me out of this.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Do you find that the longer a task lingers, the worse it gets in your head? And then you just avoid it and cause yourself stress over nothing?
How do you attack tasks?
Bc lately, even a simple task like sending an email to ask another person something... gives me anxiety.
I've noticed when tasks involve other people, it's worse. If it's something like housework, then I'm fine.
However I have a career and can't afford to freak out and procrastinate like this
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self.Anxiety
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Hating myself is so exhausting and painful It just gets so overwhelming that I can’t handle it sometimes. Why was I born with this curse?
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self.depression
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My girlfriend of 9 years broke up with me the day after Christmas and today's my birthday. Holy crap, did not see this coming at all. Haven't had a bad panic attack in years but I can feel myself getting worked up. Advice?
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self.Anxiety
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I'm very, very lonely. I'm stuck at home for 3 days by myself with no one to talk to. for some people that sounds like a nice vacation but for me it's absolutely terrible. I feel so lonely.
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self.depression
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can you please send me some good vibes ? :(
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self.Anxiety
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Need help/opinions on medication So I was preciously on sertraline 100 (for a couple years)and felt great. So great that I wanted to get off them and see if I was good to go without it. I have great weeks/months and then anxiety comes back. Ive learned how to deal/manage anxiety better by reading DARE, which really helped but its not a cure all. I hate taking medication to the point where thinking about taking a medication gives me anxiety. I take a BP medication but my suspicion is that my BP is typically high from anxiety. When Im anxious my BP gets up to 170/90 and that makes me fear for my heart since my fathers side has a history of stuff. Anyone in the same boat?
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self.Anxiety
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Trying to fight through with no help. Failing miserably. I've always struggled with depression but this is the worst it's ever been. I can't really open up to my family because they aren't the best support. My boyfriend has been going through lots of stress and just spends his time in video games. (I don't blame him. It's been tough) I do not have health insurance at the moment, although, I should have it within a few months. The timing could not be worse and I'm trying.. so.. hard to remain positive. Despite having the worst depression of my life I've managed to stay interested in the things I enjoy. Recently, I've grown more and more uninterested and numb. Today I don't feel like doing anything. I stayed in bed all day I barely ate and haven't had any water. I barely want to move. I'm thinking about suicide every chance I get and breathing feels like a chore. I don't know what I'm trying to get out of posting I just needed to tell someone. I need to go to a hospital or something but I can not. This is the worst feeling ever. Knowing you need help but can't receive any and being completely alone on top of that. Honestly, my cats are keeping me going at this point. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy depression is a terrible, terrible thing. I don't think I can even talk without feeling like I'm going to cry yet I feel so numb? It's hard to explain it.
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self.bipolar
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Why am I like this? Every time I try to step out of my comfort zone and try to be more outgoing/"normal" so people will think a little better of me perhaps, I just completely fuck everything up. I don't even feel like leaving my bed anymore.
Why I'm posting this right niw: I somehow convinced a girl that I'm not a complete idiot, and we're together. Since she's ill, I thought I'd swing by and give her a little "get well soon" kit with soup, tea, chocolate, that kinda stuff. All that came back was a half assed thank you, no comment on anything in the damn thing I've planned for a week now. I didn't expect much reaction, since she doesn't seem to like spending time with me anyways, but a little more would have been nice. I guess I'm just bad at everything I touch.
And since I don't have any friends to talk to, I have to bother you nice people with this. Sorry you had to read this far, just continue scrolling now. Needed to get it off my chest
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self.depression
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Watching Kevin Hart while planning my Suicide I've been trying to plan my suicide for weeks now, well actually years but I'm a failure at everything. I'm finally considering a definite solution to my problem without the possibility to survival. Except in this moment, while I'm plotting my demise, I can't help smile listening to Kevin Hart's comedy special on TV. It makes me sick that anything still brings joy to my life when so many things don't...but in this moment I'm thankful to still have these glimpses of happiness, even if just for a few minutes to an hour. Still set in my decision but wondering what "puts the lights on in a dark room" for anyone else?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Drunk, holed up in the bathroom listening to hurt by Johnny cash Lmao tis the season for a breakdown
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self.bipolar
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Health Anxiety and Tinnitis, need some HELP!! So basically I've been dealing with a lot of heath anxiety for 6 weeks, it started when I got a constant dull ache in my right flank and abdomen , since then I have been tested and tested with the result of severe constipation although I am not sure this is true, anyway, I was panicking all the time about it and it got to the point where I wasn't eating because of the worry which prompted me to think it was related to it, the surgeons at the hospital prescribed me two types of antibiotics (Amoxicillin and the other began with Cl ) and one type of stomach acid pills to be taken for a week , this was over a month ago and since this I have fallen into a deep depression since I thought I had a serious illness. I have had constant anxiety and I obsessively think about my death which scares me and the death of my family, it has made me really stressed and I have cried a few times over it, my body clock is messed up and I lie in bed all day now thinking about death , recently I have developed headaches and I've had tinnitis for what I think is a long enough amount of time, I have thought are my headaches from lying in bed staring at my phone screen all day and is my tinnitis from the anti biotics or from stress or is there something seriously wrong with me? I have had appendix out 12/13 years ago.
I would greatly appreciate a reply as I feel on my own and it would be good to see if I am I right or if I am worrying over nothing, also I have been getting pain in my chest from time to time and pain in my upper back between my shoulder blades but I think this may be from lying in bed on my phone and having a poor posture in doing that all day. I am 22 year old male.
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self.Anxiety
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I can't deal with this shit rn! Fucking hell I can't deal with dad. I'm in a depressive episode, the worst one so far. So bad my parents had to acknowledge it. Doctor thinks I may have bipolar.
Dad doesn't believe in that shit so he tries to find reasons on his own.
First it was take the "evil" posters down. Then it was soy is really bad for you (I don't even eat soy!). Now it's the wifi that's fucking me over. He turned it off and is like oh, you just need to get up and shit. Fuck off. I know it's easy but it isn't easy so shut up. He's prayed to God and he believes it indeed is the wifi. 5G is coming soon and it's supposed to be fucking scary. I'm apparently weak to that shit. I may even have cancer. It's only been a fucking week! That's already too much. I just want to cease to exist until I'm good again so I don't have to deal with this.
He's so damn stubborn and I have zero energy to deal. I try to explain but he just sees everything as a symptom for whatever he thinks.
I'm seeking help from a professional but he believes therapy is going to fuCK ME UP. Medicine is definitely BAD. He's so angry mom doesn't agree with him because he's a kid. He can be so difficult at times and I don't even have the energy to say anything back.
I know he wants to help but he almost sets me into a panic attack when he's like this.
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self.offmychest
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I never feel "good enough" for anything Then i want to give up like always
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self.depression
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