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Girlfriend (F/28) and I (M/25) just broke up after 3 years. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I️ need help All of 2017 has been a rocky year.My family forced me to move, my mom and dad got divorced,and the only thing keeping me sane died. I️ need help before I️ lose it and kill myself
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self.depression
|
I don't know how to talk to people and end up making them mad by saying the wrong thing.. Everyone always leaves me because I don't know how to be positive. Someone offered a trip to amsterdam and i said no because of my anxiety of drugs and so on and she got offended. Then another person I said I was drained and they went quiet. :( I fucking hate myself.
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self.depression
|
Too much of a wuss to finish the job [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
it's my birthday today. yay
I am honestly just so done.
This time of year is already shitty because the holidays, but every year a week before Christmas, i get to throw my birthday on the fire too!
A yearly reminder that not only do I have very few friends, but I have demonstrably less each year. I think I might actually be at 0, considering not a single person has said happy birthday to me at all yet, except a bot account on facebook that wrote on my wall at midnight.
Then i get to go to my 'birthday party' next week with my family. Which, of course, is really just Christmas but i get to blow some candles out.
And since I'm 25, and no one gives a shit about getting you anything, everyone starts passing around presents to all the *new* cute children that my siblings and cousins all had in the last couple years, for christmas, and I get to watch a bunch of kids open up presents at my "birthday party" while I might get a couple cards and my parents *might* get me a gift. And if I do anything except smile or act happy, I'll get berated for 'acting all depressed'.
I have no friends left. My mental health issues have isolated me from the entire world. The last person who I was close to finally gave up on me, she is probably much happier now. I have some gaming acquaintances... and thats it. I can't name a real life friend who still wants to be around me. I've ruined all my relationships because I can't keep my emotions in check.
I want to die. This is too hard. I don't even have anyone to write a note to. I don't have anything to say to my family, and no one else would care enough to read one.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Clouds Fog and Fall October again
So what then
Why does it matter?
I’m too broken to shatter
Sitting amongst The Gloom
Gun in the other room
Calling me; to my doom
I can’t
Leave
Leaf, a spoon, shroom, a can;
A bottle—liquid, pills
Pain kills
The whispers are loud; so shrill
Noise is silence, a great echo
Getting lost, it’s yesterday still
Or maybe yesteryear; but no
Still today, still now
Living, but how
Amongst the pain, paralyzed
It’s beyond hurt, I’m sterilized
Numb
Caution! I’m caustic, be careful
It’s okay, get a stare full
Learn from me, from this
I have, I missed
There is no cure, only diligence
I’ve learned since
Words on a page
Recognizing signs
Help the rage; help my my mind
I’m here. I’m st;ll here
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self.Anxiety
|
Post Happiness depression (Happiness Hangover) I desperately need advice. So today I went to this thing where I played board games with other people with social anxiety and it went much better than I thought. Basically we all see this same woman who's helping us with our anxiety and with life/work skills. We are all around 20 years old and we all got a long really well. I seemed to be really outgoing for the first time in years. We played some cards against humanity and had a really good laugh.
I think we all had a silent mutual understanding and I think that's why we instantly felt comfortable around eachother.
For the first time in a while I had 0% anxiety and I was so happy just to be there, in the company of some of the nicest and most relatable people I've ever met. There was a couple of times I had the table of people in stitches laughing.
I told my mentor that today was a massive confidence boost and she said she was so proud of me. I felt so good, I was even smiling throughout the car ride home.
Well as soon as I got home I 'crashed'. I realised that I had nothing to do, then I started to think until I got to the point where I felt depressed for not still being in that room with those people having a blast.
This always happens after doing something, but it was significantly worse today. How do I stop feeling like shit after having a good time? It'd be a shame to let my brain ruin such a fun and productive day.
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self.Anxiety
|
Wasted my 20s major regret I'm 29 going on 30 and recently it hit me out of no where hard that i feel like I wasted my 20s and life. I spent my 20s mostly isolated, early 20s still had some friends and hung out a little wasn't very great though, but mid to late 20s the last 4-5 years I've spent mostly isolated and alone No friends and never had a girlfriend. I feel like life has passed me by and I have no way out. It's so gut wrenching and painful to think about. Like I just woke up out of a coma like where did my life go. How do I get over these horrible feelings and regrets and change myself so I can be more social and get out more when I feel like an alien who doesn't belong anywhere??
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self.depression
|
People always seem impressed to see me go to events/on trips on my own. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
New semester is starting and all I can think about is not being around anymore. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Feel anxious and alone, need someone to talk too So i'm in my third year of university. I feel really alone here. I have a girlfirend i've been with for almost 2 years but she is doing a placement year about 2/3 hours away. My family arn't very close with each other so I don't speak to them much, and the people I live with are nice but I can't really talk to them about this stuff. I speak to my girlfriend about it mainly but I don't want to sound like a broken record to her. I've had anxiety for years which im trying to cope with and improve with CBT therapy at the moment. I havn't slept in 2 nights and i'm not eating well, due to general anxiety and stress from university work. I feel like I need support from someone in person but I can't get it here. Does anyone have any advice, thank you.
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self.Anxiety
|
Its almost as if the whole world is against me.. Somedays I feel like I was just destined to end up this mentally fucked in the head. Its almost as if the world wanted me to carry this burden of constant anguish and hopelessness. Im so used to the same cycle of sorrow that when something bad does happen, it doesnt even hurt anymore. Its as if I cannot get any more miserable than this. Im numb. Everyday is the same. And its driving me slowly insane as I count the same day again, and again, and again.
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self.depression
|
alcoholism Sigh, unfortunately, I've fallen into a hole. I'm definitely becoming an alcoholic, even on my medications, as my reasons for drinking are not associated with my mood disorder. However, I'd like to know how exactly it messes with your body while you're on medications? I drink daily and I'm on Geodon 40MG a day, Lamictal 25mg a day, and Zoloft, 20mg a day.
Is anyone else suffering as well? I'm in an unhappy relationship but we live together, and I don't have enough money to support myself, so I've been drinking everyday to stomach all of it...I know I should stop, but I really don't want to....
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self.bipolar
|
Psilocybin for neurogenesis and other benefits? Hi all,
Just listened to podcast describing psilocybin use in PTSD.
I don’t have PTSD. Just bipolar, which errs on the side of dysphoric mania, which has already caused a decent amount of brain damage, at least from what the pdoc and neurologist have said.
Anyone have info or advice on how well psilocybin might help? I’m currently taking Lithium primarily for its neuro-protective and neuro-regenerative properties, from what I’ve learned.
Any info or thoughts are appreciated.
I’m about to finally pass out, so apologizes if I don’t reply for a while.
Night night.
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self.bipolar
|
Fucking crashed again Suicidal mentions.
Was doing fine on Latuda then I crashed and now I'm suicidal. Still on the Latuda and lamictal and wellbutrin. Maybe I need a higher dose. Maybe it isn't the drug for me and it isn't potent enough. Then what will be right.
I'm stuck in the loop of hopelessness with what's the point when I'll never be cured. What's the point when I'll always need med adjustments. What's the point when I'll always go back to miserable at one point or another. It's never going to stop.
Yeah it'll become more manageable and it may become less severe but it won't go away. I shouldn't have to cope with it. I have the meds to go through with it and it wouldn't be painful.
I texted a crisis line last night and it was worthless. I was told I need a therapist and I'm strong. Yeah, ok, doesn't help my loop of eternal negativity. The therapist I tried didn't have much to say about it besides that I'd have to keep dealing with it and I didn't have a choice not to. That doesn't help change my thought pattern. So I'm waiting on a new therapist who seems amazing but she's expensive and doesn't like my insurance.
Giving into the thoughts still feels rational. I hate this. Does it sound like a med adjustment would fix it?
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self.bipolar
|
Fucked Up BIG TIME. Looking for someone to talk to Hey guys.
Recently had my first manic episode about a month ago. Needless to say, that I am now the laughing stock of the whole city. Everyone from 17 to 25 knows who the fuck I am for the wrong reasons. I have no way to leave town.
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self.bipolar
|
I cheated and want to tell the truth. I deserve whatever happens to me. I want to accept the consequences of my actions. I just don't know where to start. Long story. I cheated on my SO of 13 years. I am not trying to justify my behavior. Just explain.
Things were very, very bad. I told him at the beginning of December I was leaving. I would stay through the holiday's because I wasnt going to wreck them for the kids. We had 3 together.
I ended up starting an affair with a friend. I never intended too. My self worth was totally wrecked by my relationship. He refused to try anything to fix it.
There were many factors that lead to it but basically none of my needs were being meet. I wanted desperately to fix things but he wouldn't. The final straw was I was having health problems and he was in no way supportive.
The thing is he is not a monster. He is a good guy. He for a variety of,reasons he lived in denial of problems and couldn't deal with them.
I had the affair for almost a year. It wasnt so much about the physical as emotional. I got the support I needed. So did this other person. The whole time I knew this was not long term. He was actually very,much encouraging me if you can believe it to work things out with my SO.
Eventually we went to therapy and worked things out. He wouldn't,before. I ended things with the other person as well. After I did I found out I was pregnant. I kept the baby. My SO has to know she is not his. He had a vasectomy. I waited for him to say something. He never did. From some comments he has made I think he just wanted to be in denial. I took the cowards way out and left it.
We continued to work things out. We ended up getting married. Things are better than ever. Except for the guilt eating me alive. I want to come clean. I want to be punished. The one thing that is stopping me is how it will hurt my kids. I know it sounds like a coward but I don't want to wreck their lives. Just mine.
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self.offmychest
|
Been in this relationship for about 2 years ^_^ On one hand that kind of scares me. Because the last one fell apart about 2-3 years. Totally different person that cheated on me. that was about 4 years ago. This other one so far so good. she's much more straitforward and we have more things in common. I love her laugh, and humor and just doing things together with I genuninly don't mind when she needs to just vent. We totally disagree on polotics. On one hand I have anxieties. On the other hand I want it work out. I am so very confused. Any ideas?
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self.offmychest
|
I regret going to a stripclub I went to a stripclub completely drunk. I never liked the idea and didn't even really want to go that night. I was out with friends and we just randomly walked in it was not planned. I sat down and a stripper touched me through my underwear, a very short front facing lapdance and offered an happy ending that i declined. I didn't even get hard or aroused, I just sad there drunk. But i do feel remorse since I was a virgin and wasn't expecting that they would offer something like that. It made me feel dirty since suddenly I visited a place full of hookers instead of just a stripclub during a drunken night with friends and I would never visit such a place with the intention of receiving sexual acts. What do you guys think? I am at least glad that I declined any kind of sexual acts but the fact that they offered it made me feel like a dirty guy looking for it or something.
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self.offmychest
|
5 days in 2018 and I’m still the same Still drinking, still watching porn, still not trying to find a girlfriend, still thinking about the death of my loved ones, still miss my old gf, still don’t know if I believe in god, still trying to finish my degree, still trying to be there for my family but everything is so hard. Still depressed but I still put on an act everyday because I know how my old self acted but my mind is telling me otherwise. Those small samples and miniature bursts of happiness is what keeps me somewhat sane. I guess I’ll just keep going with the flow and keep trying.
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self.depression
|
The spiral I can't get out of My mind is all foggy. I can't concentrate on anything. The only thing I do all day is stare in front of me and just letting the thoughts consume me. Go to sleep, have nightmares, repeat. Over and over again until I can finally end it. Oh how I'm looking forward to end it.
|
self.depression
|
I just needed to vent I hated myself from a young age. I'm not sure exactly when I realized it, but I was young. I was the kid that everyone called "crybaby". I would sit by myself at the edge of the playground and play in the wood chips and eat alone at lunch. I wondered why all of the other kids seemed to mindlessly hate me so much. As I got older, it didn't get much better. I had no positive relationship with my parents or any of my 4 siblings. All through elementary and middle school, I had no friends. I was picked on and berrated by both my classmates and my teachers. I remember a someone stealing from one of my classmate's locker and slipping the item into mine to frame me, and I still don't know why.
I fought a lot then, always in defense (I've never been one to pick fights, and in fact I avoid them if at all possible), and was in detention for extended amounts of time. It seemed to me like no one wanted me around, and it wasn't anyone's fault but my own. I think my parents thought they were raising me to be tough and independent by leaving me to myself, but instead I was just frightened and lonely. I learned to fend for myself, since it seemed as though no one else would.
My mom, who I've lived with along with my younger sister since I was ten, was not happy with how I performed in school. We fought often, over homework and over chores. I don't think I've ever been so depressed in my entire life. II never applied myself in school, even though I was smarter than most of my classmates. In middle school I slept half the time and read books the other half to disassociate myself from my own thoughts. In high school I slept and played video games. By this time, the fighter in me had given up. I was just tired. I slept anywhere from 3 hours a night to 20. I stopped eating and lost 30 pounds. I was already too thin for my liking before this, and it led to some serious body dismorphia. I didn't want to exist. However, any time I considered suicide I was too apathetic to even get out of bed to try.
My dating experiences were all short-lived due to my own relentless trust and intimacy issues. When someone tried to get close to me, I would panic, because I'd been alone for so long that I didn't know how to care for anyone but myself. When I did find someone I trusted, I would spill like a waterway, all of my heartache and problems washing out in a great flood. I became a master complainer, which I know no one appreciated. Sometimes I honestly don't think most people cared, even when they did believe me. Those who did didn't stick around for very long. In trying to save myself from drowning, all I did was pull others down with me.
Eventually I realized that hating myself wasn't making things better for me or anyone around me. I felt that it made people hate me more. No one likes a crybaby. So I patched myself up and withdrew, and I decided that I wanted to love myself so that others would too.
Unfortunately, it's hard to love yourself with no support. By the time I finished high school (barely), things with my mother had progressed so badly that I moved out. Now that my schooling was over, I suppose she felt that her job was over, and I know she was tired of me anyway. I lived with my friend for a few months until my 18th birthday, during which time I spent a lot of time sleeping as their house was more than an hour away from amything that could be called a town. After that I lived with my father for a year in a new town where I was even more isolated than before. Our relationship has never been ideal. He's a drunk and an angry one at that, so I spent most of my time over-worked at a job where my time and effort was less than appreciated. Now I'm back in my hometown for school, staying with my mom again, and things with us are better now. It seemed to me, at first, that my plan was working. I wanted to change, to be someone people wanted to be around.
My best friend and I had a falling out a few months ago. I was selfish, but so were they, so I've spent these past weeks in mourning for what was lost. It seemed to me that anyone who knew all sides of the story was agreeing with me, so I comforted myself in that it was for the best. I was trying, right?
I spent the year at my dads and up until a month ago offline. I couldn't handle the stress and anxiety it caused me, and it was probably for the best, anyway. But there was one online friend I knew for a long time, someone I loved and respected, who had been there for me through what was, to me, a living hell. Someone who I hadn't spoken to in a long time. I messaged them today, just to see how they were. They had been my emotional crutch for quite a while and I wanted to share with them that I was better. Maybe I could be there for them, like I used to when they would come to me with a problem on the odd occasion.
I could tell from the first reply that they weren't happy with me. Even through message it felt too aggressive, but I pushed through and hoped it could be worked out. I apologized for disappearing for so long. I explained that things had gotten a lot worse before they had gotten better, and that I didn't want to subject them to my problems anymore but that I've been feeling much better and have been thinking of them. I asked how they were, if they were doing okay. They told me that I never should have reached out to them. I had been very self-consumed through our friendship and they didn't need people like me around them anymore. I apologized and left.
I thought I was better, was happier, but I still feel so useless and uncared for. I wish I knew how to care better for people. I wish I could flip a switch and change, so that I'm not so toxic. All I've learned though my life is that everything I touch dies. I'm so scared of isolating myself again, as much as I want to. But I love the friends that I have now, and I don't want them to hate me, too. I don't know what to do anymore. I can feel everything stacking against me and I'm very likely to crumble soon. When I try to imagine my future, I can't see very far. I don't want to die, per se, but I don't know how to continue in times like this.
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self.depression
|
I don't even get motivated enough to cut myself anymore.
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self.depression
|
I need help getting therapy and getting it-- if possible-- for free until I can pay for it. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
First day at work on Wednesday. Hello, I've subscribed to this subreddit two weeks ago (was lurking in that timeframe) and I've seen several post about people who have anxiety about going to their first day of work. And I am one of those people, diagnosed with a learning disability and a social anxiety disorder.
In the last 2 weeks, I've been job searching and it was really stressful that it gave me anxiety from not eating well to waking up 6AM PST in the morning and couldn't go back to sleep.
Now today, phone call from a hiring manager that I applied at the end of last month that I'll be working at 9AM starting Wednesday and now I'm worried how I'm going to do on my first day at work! The position that I've applied for is a part-time grocery clerk during daytime hours at a supermarket near my house.
Any tips will appreciated! Thanks for reading.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I looked at her tumblr. Big mistake. I looked at an old best friend's art tumblr and I just fell apart. She pretty much left me in her dust when she found better friends and now she's became a more talented artist then me, even interning for Cartoon Network.
We were practically sisters, although she lived in a different state. But she was much younger than me. So she grew out of me, I guess. Graduated school and went to college. Things I'm not doing in life. My depression probably gave her too much weight.
I just feel so worthless and alone. Once we were two girls with horrible anxiety and shitty home lives. Then she just rose above me and forgot me. I'm not going anywhere in life. No goals or aspirations.
I wish I was better person. I'm a lazy, lonely nobody. No job. Can't drive. Never finished highschool.
Uuuuuugghhhhhhhhhhhh I just want to sleep and never get out of bed.
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self.depression
|
Sigh Sigh sometimes words can't explain how you feel. I'm sure with time everything will get better
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self.offmychest
|
I'm a horrible person I'm a huge leech on everyone around me. I can't get a job. I can't emotionally support another person because I'm so torn up about myself. I'm a terrible significant other. I hate myself. I'm broken from my childhood and I want to die every day. I'm alone. I have no friends. I wish I weren't so selfish and I wish I could be happy.
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self.depression
|
I wish life had a reset button Then I could start all over again, and not fuck everything up and become the worthless loser I am now
Edit - Thank you all for the replies.
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self.depression
|
Depression just hit me, I need your support. Depression just hit me like it usually does when I least suspect it. Right now I feel extremely down, I can’t even think straight. Some support would be appreciated.
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self.depression
|
I'm better. I really am. But I'd still rather be dead. Years of effort have me a little better.
There's less misery, but no happiness.
And there's no hope or belief that there will be.
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self.depression
|
It is amazing Hey guys, It has been a while. I just want to share this news with everyone and since I can't share it with all of my friends in Alabama, I will share with you guys.
I am pregnant! Finally. Most of you know that I wanted to be pregnant last year, but my husband and I weren't ready yet. Well, a little accident happened and now I am six weeks along. I know, still super early and everything could still go wrong. that is why i need you guys to show support. Please, I am nervous, but happy.
Anyway, I hope you all have a great day today! Or tomorrow, depending on your time zone :)
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self.bipolar
|
Backpedaling Hi, so I have anxiety and panic attacks, I used to have them a lot last year, but I made HUGE progress over the summer (my mom was having a wedding completely comprised of out of towners ). I was pretty good for the beginning of this year, up until about now. My anxiety is based on social situations, alcohol, and being away from "home".
I'm going to Florida for Christmas with my family (yay!) and my roommate is going to literally the same town to spend Christmas with her family (yay!). What I'm anxious about is she said we should meet up and go to a bar sometime when we're both down there. Now that has been a problem area for me in the past, but I've gotten better with going in my university town, but other cities I get a little shaky. I'm going to go, regardless, I just wish I could logic this away.
I know what I'm afraid of isn't the bar, its the fear itself, but anxiety isn't rational like that.
Another thing I'm kind of worried about is making edibles with my roommate, again one of those things I had trouble with, but now am okay with, until recently for some reason.
Again, I know it's just the irrational fear, but I feel like I'm backpedaling on all the progress I made.
Any advice welcome. ❤️
|
self.Anxiety
|
Please respond, I dont know what to do anymore Please. I dont know what to do anymore. Im taking the rest of the day to try and deeply reflect but im scared. Ive thought about this plenty of times and i keep coming to the same conclusion. I just lost my best and last friend. He told me he wants me to get my life together. And while it seems like im starting to do better he feels that im only doing better for him, so to make sure im doing this for myself we cant really be friends. But i've thought about this so much. I dont know if after everything thats happened to me i've changed or if this was always me. But i dont really have any desires or goals. I dont really want anything. I dont have a desire for a career. Theres no job i want. The life i imagined for myself after everything that happened was a life with my friend. that was my end goal. At some point i wanted to get into game design. But i dont really see the point. Its just money. I dont want anything besides basic things like food. I dont really have any strong hobbies or passion for anything. Atleast not anymore. So what am i supposed to fucking do. I've just been living through someone else because that made me happy. Now that im alone it feels like i dont even want a life for myself. It actually just makes me want to kill myself. Wants the point anyway. I dont have a foundation for my life. I dont know how to move on or where i would be moving my life to because it feels like I dont want anything. Anything im doing or was doing was just so that i could have the money/time for my personal life. There was a point when i was younger(a few years ago) when i was actually working towards something. So whats the point. Why keep trying. I was so happy to just be apart of someone elses life. But i dont want anything for myself really. I'd quit my job if i didnt need the money. Im not even sure whats the point of staying in school now. I dont care that much about this degree just to work some fucking 9-5 shift. I wanted to get this degree and do my own freelance/independent work but whats the fucking point. theres no end goal all of it would be for nothing.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I've gotten less than 10 hours of sleep since last friday due to increasingly intense and frequent panic attacks... I only got about an hour and a half's worth of sleep last night, despite going to bed around 10:30 pm and lying down until 9:00 this morning.
The issue is the nocturnal panic attacks. I have them as I'm falling asleep, then, once I am able to remain asleep through one, I have them in my sleep until one eventually wakes me up again. This means that I have been unable to remain asleep at night, now, and my sleep is very broken.
Yesterday, I had about 18 panic attacks while waking. Some of them with vomiting. This led to me getting worked up and having them in my sleep again. I had had a few in the nights before, but last night was much, much worse. I had about 10 last night between midnight and 7:00 a.m.
Luckily, I have nothing to do today. I am completely drained. I finally gave up on sleeping around 6:30 a.m. and have been trying to stay busy since. My memory is suffering severely because of the panic attacks and lack of sleep.
I'm really not sure where to turn or what to do. This time I actually feel like I'm going crazy. I am so desperate to make this stop...
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm tired of the platitudes. I'm sick of the pain of living [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Why do I have dreams about my ex at least 4 times a week? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Do you ever just... not know what the heck is going on? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
How Do I Admit Myself to a Mental Hospital/Rehab? [removed]
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self.depression
|
Need help with medication complience I’ve been taking medication for almost 3 years, and I’ve been on my current medications for 1.5 years (about 8 months being on the dosage I am now). It seems to be working and honestly I haven’t felt this stable in a while. But over the last month or so I’ve been having such a hard time taking my medicine. I miss it at least twice a week. I’m also on birth control and I’ve been missing that too and it really screwed up my period. Does anyone have any advice when it comes to medication complience? I know it’s common for people with BPD to have trouble taking medicine. Thank you!
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self.bipolar
|
Advice? I’m sorry if this doesn’t follow the rules for this sub but I’ve posted in three different ones hoping for advice. Last night I found out my friend committed suicide. I’m in denial, and I just want some advice, if anyone else has lost someone please just give me some tips on how to deal with it
Thank you
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What are the negative side effects of depression meds? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Time to count mental disorders I think I have until I decide to get help Bipolar 2
Misophonia(yes it's fucking real, and no it's not just an annoyance. It's stomach upsetting anxiety)
ADHD - was diagnosed with a mild form of it, now can barely read a book
Shit I thought there was more.
Ima become a pill junkie it's gonna be so cool.
Isn't it ironic that the best treatment for adhd is amphetamine and for misophonia is weed, neither of which are advisable to take with bipolar disorder.
What about you guys, what all you have?
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self.bipolar
|
Anyone depressed because nobody truly loves them? I have loads of acquaintances but 0 real friends.
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self.depression
|
How to know how bad you are - TW self harm Hey guys,
So I'm one week in and halfway through titrating up on my new Trileptal. I've been having more agitated energy, really strong thoughts of self-harm (and new ones!) and more, consistent S.I.
I'm now in a place of a little sped up but feeling like I'm fine, I'm not sick, I don't need my meds and this has all been not that big of a deal. That I'm not bipolar. It's like I have amnesia as to how I was for the last 6 weeks. (Morbidly depressed. One of the worst eps ever after a euphoric hypomania after coming off Lamictal 3mos ago.) I start a 3 day a week IOP on Tuesday. I'm wondering if I should just go for the 5 day PHP while I get through this new med or a different med or if I should fully be inpatient. My thoughts of self-harm have changed dramatically from being just an explosive impulse to hit during extreme agitation to feeling very calm and relaxed but the acts being more aggressive in nature. I even practiced by scratching my arm and holding a lighter to it to see if I really wanted it and what I could handle. I wasn't even emotional about it. I was wondering if this is something that will pass once I get up to the full dosage of my Trileptal. If I should worry about how calm I'm feeling with all my SI and SH thoughts and as well as feeling like stopping my meds altogether and get myself into inpatient ASAP.
I'm waiting to hear back from my Pdoc and I'm in daily contact with my therapist. He's traveling today so I can't tell him how big the energy is and how much I suddenly feel like there's nothing wrong with me and I want to stop meds.
I guess I'm just kinda sped up right now and need an answer faster than waiting for their replies. Ha!
I'll definitely need half a Xanax today to level out.
Thanks for listening!
UPDATE: Pdoc just texted to hold out for full dosage and to try 5 day PHP.
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self.bipolar
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I keep on thinking that I’m going to kill myself [deleted]
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self.depression
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BP II and PMS I think I've posted something similar in the sub before, but my GODDDDD, I get my period in 1.5 weeks and my moods are crazy. I'm so depressed to the point where I feel like dying/killing myself (won't actually act on it) and I keep eating everything in sight. I've also been smoking pot these last few days which definitely don't help. I just want this to end :( I can't even cry to release these repressed emotions inside me because I'm so depressed. Any tips? What are your experiences? Not looking forward to a sluggish and terrible week.
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self.bipolar
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How can I take a shower everyday? I feel like I don't take a shower everyday not because I don't want to, but because of my Type II Bipolar. I am in the mania phase right now and I can tell that because I am feeling ok.
I feel like I am in the depressive phase everyday and I notice that because Google says that a symptom of Type II Bipolar is "loss of interest or pleasure in activities" and I feel like I am in the depressive phase of Type II Bipolar because I LOST INTEREST IN TAKING A SHOWER. I feel bad about it.
I am the only person in the family with Bipolar. Other than me, my maternal grandmother had Bipolar. She died before I was born.
According to my mother, my maternal grandmother had Bipolar, she died in October 1991 of pancreatic cancer, and I was born in April 2001 and I have Type II Bipolar.
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self.bipolar
|
I wish there are magic "get better words" for people to hear I'd say them every second of every day to everyone I ever saw in pain. Especially during this time of year. I've been reading the threads here and see how much the holidays hurt some of the others on here...
I'm so sorry to all others suffering right now. I hope your situation improves, or at least you find support to get through it.
Merry Christmas and happy holidays everyone, from the bottom of my heart.
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self.depression
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My girlfriend has had a panic attack from anxiety. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Repeating words to make yourself feel I've been dealing with anxiousness for a while now, and recently I've been fortunate to have had some good luck/experiences, specifically with regards to relationships. But whenever I'm alone, feeling good after talking to that person, I always find myself repeating the positive words they said to me over and over again in my head, in an attempt to make myself feel loved and wanted. To kind of relish in that good moment, give myself that feeling of being wanted. And eventually those words begin to lose meaning, and then I become seriously depressed.
Does anyone else do this? It drives me crazy to the point where it's physically painful sometimes, and I feel like I can't just be happy and appreciate the small victories.
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self.Anxiety
|
Why do depressed people treat people like shit? I'm sick and tired of it. Being lead on. Trusting someone I couldn't count on. All your stupid promises about it the future and then one day you just ignore me like a piece of shit. You make me wanna kill myself.
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self.depression
|
The only girl I've ever loved started dating some other guy today, and I feel like i want to actually kill myself I've talked with her for over a year. I developed feelings for her I haven't developed for anyone else ever. but recently she said she moved on, which I assumed was just her going through an episode that her many mental illnesses can bring out. But today I found out she's dating someone who makes YouTube commentary videos. The worst part about it is their relationship is long distance. She told me the only reason her and I never dated officially and stayed together was because she couldn't handle long distance relationships. but yet this dickhead is farther away than I was. I was always there and I poured my heart and soul into her so she'd be happy. I just don't understand why I'm not good enough. Where I went wrong
I'm fine with dying tonight. I prayed to god or jesus or whoever to kill me in my sleep tonight. I begged for it. If we had hard alcohol or crazy pills at the house I'd down those. I've accepted that death is a peaceful out for life, so it's what i wanna do to be happy. I just wanna forget about her. Forget about the memories. Forget about all the plans we made to hang out and do so much shit this next summer when I flew over there to see her. It really sucks. I hate myself. I hate the YouTube commentator. I hate her. I hate that I'm still living, shaking and crying over this revelation
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self.depression
|
So thinking about it, why the fuck am I still functioning? I have no drive, nothing I really particularly want to do. I want to be a really big and memorable figure but what are the chances of that happening, and I have no specific goal I want to pursue.
I honestly would have just killed myself years ago if my parents weren't still alive. I just don't want to make them sad and die before them, so I'm just running out the clock.
Tick tock, tick tock, when's the day nobody will be around to care when I die? How long is it gonna take?
I just live because I don't want others to be sad, but why do I even care? I'm not living for myself so why do I live? Just for timed experience? Just because I might as well? Why shouldn't I just stop functioning?
I just... don't know anymore. I just... don't care. I'm sorry for any of this sounds cheesy or something. I just don't know what to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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18 YEAR OLD FAT FAILURE, NEVER HAD A GIRLFRIEND. Where do i begin, from a young age i have een bullied and made fun of,i was always called names for my obese looking body. i am currently 5'10 weighing in at 237 pounds and a receeding hairline that makes my balding head look even worse. to top things off i also just got rejected by my crush of 4-5 years in which i always made her laugh and smile, but because of my disgusting body and teeth she rejected me after i offered to take her out on dinner. a failure in school as well, with terrible grades and a low self esteeem. in the hallways the teachers usually stare at me for some odd reason, maybe its because of the things i mentioned earlier, same as the kids in school. well alright guess im blowing my head off :L
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self.SuicideWatch
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Im just waiting for death. My last words if things go my way. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Relationships Ever consider how as people get older they end up growing apart. So the people I knew a year ago I don't know now and it doesn't really affect my life. If it's the same for everyone are relationships just based on location and in a way pretty meaningless, this goes for family and girlfriends just by increasing the time limit to say 10 years for family and 5 for a girlfriend, a persons impact on someone else's life is not missed or even noticed after a certain amount of time. It feels like this devalues the meaning of a relationship, thoughts?
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self.offmychest
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What do you do when you're on the bottom? [school and life anxiety] Hi, I'm a 19 yr student and I have a tough time going back to school after long breaks(that I spend in my room 95% of thr time). Soon after I come to my uni building I start panicking or my bowels go overdrive (which makes me panic, bc diarrhea is one of my bigger fears). It's important to mention that when I start my classes at 8am, my mom drops me off on most days bc it's on her way to work and it's fairly close. So usually when I panic I call her (like after 5/10 minutes) she returns and I go with her to work. So... Today she said it'd be better if I dropped out of school, which made me panic too. Last year it was similar, she'd say the same thing. I know she's tired of this, it's been going on for years(depression and panic attacks that make me want to die, I'm a mentally weak person). But she's one of few supporters, and probably the only person I can really depend on at times like this and I can't help but go back in my thoughts to that moment in life where I was close to dropping out of middle school and spent 5 months in bed. I don't know how to talk to her about it.
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self.Anxiety
|
Starting to embrace my anxiety Hi, I've been dealing with anxiety all of my life and have been on Ssri drugs the past 10 years.
Lately I was feeling more anxious than normal with what I think we're heart palpitations. Fed up with this feeling I needed to do something and not wanting to see a doctor I started jogging.
I've always been interested in running but never had the motivation to do it. This was mainly due to the Lexapro I was on which unknowingly was making me lethargic and not give AF.
So for a couple months now I've been jogging with help from the c25k app. I've logged over 60 miles so far and dropped a couple pounds. But honestly my only motivation is to not feel that heavy feeling in my chest again and hopefully one day stop meds altogether. I feel happier than ever and can't remember the last time I had consistent palpitations.
Hopefully this helps someone. Good luck.
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/science/science-news/11121879/Exercise-detoxes-body-of-depressive-chemicals-scientists-find.html
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self.Anxiety
|
What the hell is going on? Sorry if I’m violating any posting rules, but I’m desperate. I get what I think are anxiety attacks, because I feel extreme fear, trouble breathing, sudden spike in temp, and lightheaded. The attack is very dependent on my actions and decisions.
It goes something like this: I’m staring at a wall or watching tv, then all of a sudden I feel all of these symptoms at once, then I immediately wonder how to stop this; should I turn around or get up or sit there? If I choose wrong (the attack seems to revolve around my imagination where there is a “scene” and I have to “direct” it) I feel as if the attack gets worse, if I do nothing the anxiety trails forward.
I know the breathing exercises and all those other things, but what I want to know is what is going on. I have noticed there is a correlation between actual stress and the frequency of attacks, but they seem to happen at a point in time where I don’t explicitly feel anxiety, like listening to my professor or watching a YouTube video.
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self.Anxiety
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Therapist thinks I don't have bipolar I went to my first therapy session today after being "diagnosed" with BP1 a few weeks back. After some time talking to her she told me that she doesn't believe I was diagnosed properly. She said that cause of some childhood issues I have a mood disorder similar to bipolar but it's not true bipolar. According to her I don't meet the DSM-5 description for bipolar because:
1.) My mood swings switch within hours of the day instead of lasting days to weeks.
2.) Although I would have these depressive and manic episodes, since I never acted on them (e.g. when I feel suicidal I've never actually attempted it) and never been administered to a hospital I again don't meet the standards for BP.
I question her decision on it because about a year ago I saw her for ADHD and she said the same thing about it, that I didn't meet the "requirements". Which I can call BS as I was diagnosed with that years ago and have been completely aware of it for a long time.
She told me that the difference between me and someone with bipolar is although we would feel the same emotional swing and intensity, I can still control myself (for the most part) instead of going "completely feral".
Has anyone ever been told something like this by their therapists, pdoc, etc.? I swear, all I hear from these people is that it's this or that bipolar, or "fake" bipolar like this isn't helping it's just making me confused as hell lol. Should I just find a different therapist?
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self.bipolar
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18/M - Need some advice/reassurance/anything Note - Like the title says, I'm not at any risk of hurting myself or others. I just needed a supportive place to vent, and I found y'all. This is a response to something my friend wrote for me.
My self-loathing is already well-entrenched in my psyche to a terrifying degree; while most people’s self-hating thoughts arise spontaneously with great intensity at random moments, my self-hating thoughts are scripted, calculated, organized. They definitely pop up at their strongest during moments when I’m alone with my thoughts, but they never truly leave my mind. Instead, they always remain in the back of my head as a type of “insurance” against the possibility of me saying or doing anything which would conflict with the established image I have of myself. I’ll go deeper into introspective-ness by responding to M’s response to my letter, the letter where I laid out my gargantuan list of problems for him to give me a second opinion on.
He said that the squad (him and my other two closest friends, L and C) could still possibly evoke some bad memories/responses from me regardless of how positively I view them nowadays, and I definitely agree. It’s entirely possible that the fuckery of middle school (being bullied/teased/taunted by M, L, and C everyday for 2-3 years straight about my race, religion, appearance, interests, personality, etc) was so great that it left me with long-lasting trauma akin to very mild PTSD, which could explain why I’m still awkward and a bit aloof around the squad - I’m literally basking in my triggers by hanging with the squad, and since I’ve learned no way of dealing with triggers, I’m essentially fucking myself over each and every time I hang with them.
The next comment attacks my assertion that, in comparison to M, L, and C, I had no worthwhile accomplishments in middle school while they did. M stated that to put “accomplishments” in perspective, he was proud of his Minecraft world in the seventh grade, but I honestly don’t see how that was meant to assuage my anxieties about being useless. He still had a rich and involved social and extracurricular life when he played Minecraft, whereas I had nothing.
M then says that the idea that I was a burden on my parents was BS, and that my parents are strict because they love me and want me to succeed, which I wholeheartedly agree with (even if I don’t have the same definitions of success that they do). He also says that going from undiagnosed ADHD until Grade 10 to a double major at the University of ________ “is astounding”, but I can never feel like I deserve that praise. Everyone shits on my majors because apparently English and Political Science are both useless goddamned art majors and are therefore worthless. I disagree, but I’m always worried of the possibility that they might be right.
The next big comment comes a few pages later. Starting by saying “who gives a shit about masculinity” is a nice self-love blanket statement, but I genuinely feel like it’s untrue. There are loads of people, men and women, who give multiple shits about masculinity. Nearly all the men I know are dedicated to being “manly” in any way they can, from athleticism to hip-hop to beards to weights to “alpha” behaviour and everything in between, while nearly all the women I know are dedicated to finding guys who possess these traits. And I can’t just not give a fuck about what other people think - I’m a human being, and humans are wired to gravitate towards people they like, that they connect with, that they accept. Due to this, I’m definitely trying to be someone I’m not, because who I currently am is abhorrent.
M said that “everyone who knows the real you admires you”, which is another assertion I can’t agree with. It’s hard to put this into words, but whenever I’m with people, I always get the impression that there’s something in me or about me that’s “off” or wrong, something I lack that others have, something that makes others “normal”. I know I have a “humour within me”, but to say it makes me “hilarious at times” feels like a stretch. Likewise, saying that “my body language and attentiveness makes (me) one of the most comfortable people to be around” feels more like a lie than an observation. For starters, I can’t read body language from others for shit, and reading hundreds of articles and dozens of books on the topic haven’t served me well at all. And attentiveness? I have ADHD for crying out loud; attentiveness is one of the things I lack the most. I was literally born with an attentiveness deficit, and owing to how late in life I started medication (Grade 10), I don’t see it improving anytime soon. In almost every social situation I’m in, I’m either uncomfortable around others because I don’t know what their body language is communicating to me, or others are uncomfortable around me because of my complete unawareness of their body language. That’s why the sentence “legit anyone can be comfortable around you” feels odd because it’s directed to someone whom the sentence doesn’t apply to in any possible way - me.
The next paragraph says that girls would nearly always prefer me (“a quirky, shy but gentle dude”) over any “dickhead douche” or “fuckboy”. That’s an outright lie, if I’m being honest. I can fulfill the NiceGuy persona all I want and bitch and whine about how girls only go afters “bad boys” and not a “good guy” like me, but the truth is that those “douches” are superior to me in each and every way. They’ve got all the traits that make a man a “man” and an attractive one (like confidence, extraversion, ability to understand others, drive, charisma, etc), and who am I to complain about attractive guys attracting girls? Expecting girls to find my repulsive, undesirable ass attractive because I’m “special and shy and quirky” is as absurd as expecting my 5’4 body to grow a full foot overnight, or expecting a billion dollars to pop into my bank account. It’s morally wrong to try to influence any girl into liking someone as awful and disgusting as me, so I don’t try it. I’m working towards accepting the reality of my place in the social world as an undateable freak who no girl would ever want nor love, but it’s hard sometimes, which is why I complain. It’s embarrassing to admit, but I dive into daydreaming about being someone completely unlike myself (a “cool” and attractive guy like Alex Turner or James Dean - not the pornstar - or Jimi Hendrix) and allowing myself to just delve into what their life is like, what being handsome and attractive and charismatic is like, what being able to get girls, let alone talk to them without breaking a sweat, is like, all of that. I hate myself for daydreaming as a coping mechanism (I spend about 1-3 hours a day on this juvenile escapist garbage), but it’s the best option when my only other choice (since I gave up alcohol) is dreaming about hanging myself or slitting my wrists.
The next assertion that I’m not ugly is wrong, flat out. It’s true that people are hypersensitive about their looks, but in my case it’s justified. I put my Tinder photo on photofeeler.com (a website that allows others to rate how you look) mainly because it’s the only good picture of me on the planet, but it still got rated as “not attractive” by 20 out of like 25 votes, with only 1-3 votes saying I was “somewhat attractive” and only like 1-2 saying that I was “good-looking”. Saying that “I bet there’s a lot of girls that have found you cute” is a nice thing to say on M’s part, but again, it’s something I’ve literally begged God to be true while it’s never been the case. It’s such an unbelievable concept that I’ve incorporated it into my pathetic little daydreams; thinking that there’s regiments of girls who are head-over-heels in love with me but are too shy to say anything about it. It’s good to think about so that I can ignore the pain of being hideous and unwanted for a bit, but then I remember that life isn’t a fucking anime, and then I just sort of snap back to reality.
And the last bit in the above paragraph is “girls will eventually find you cute, especially once they learn about your personality”. What the fuck? If anything, my personality makes me even more repulsive. Sure, I’ll admit that my personality has got some positives (like finding good things about everyone, or being genuinely concerned about them when they struggle with something, or always wanting to help them out, or even something like wanting to scream at them when they talk down to themselves because in their cases, it’s never true), but the negatives are abundant and present in far greater numbers than the positives. I make uncomfortably self-deprecating jokes as a way of “socializing”; I talk for too long about topics that interest me but nobody else when they’re brought up; I make jokes about race and sexuality way too often (which makes me feel like a fucking fraud for calling myself a feminist and a leftist and all that); I’m too shy to say anything of use; I’m extraordinarily sensitive to negative remarks or even things like news reports of dead kids (like sensitive to the point where I’ll cry myself to sleep at night sometimes after reading about abused kids or the Holocaust); I stutter and fall over my words; I can’t make small talk or even chitchat to save my life; and I strongly feel that I’m an all-around awful person to talk to and be with.
And that’s just the personality side of things. Physical traits? All of mine are abominable in one way or another. Let’s start from the top down; messy, dry, and shitty black-brown hair; a forehead too wide for love and often pockmarked with acne; overly thick and bushy eyebrows; massive deep brown eyes that make people feel like I’m “intense” and “staring into their soul” without any effort on my part to make others feel that way; an unsightly, huge nose that’s crooked and riddled with blackheads at the base; acne scars and dots all over my fat, undefined cheeks; big, crusted, dry fucking lips (I do hydrate well to fix it, but to no avail); a weak, childish, pathetic excuse for a jawline; and a stick-thin, hairy body all the way down (I’m working out consistently to fix this and I’m seeing progress on the scale, but not in my self-image). To top it off, I’m 5’4, an emaciated freak at 100 lbs (I’m working out regularly to gain weight, but I feel like my frame is beyond saving) and brown-skinned in the era after Bin Laden in the most conservative province in the country. If the above list is too much, all that’s necessary to know is that I’m one ugly mf.
In spite of all the self-hatred, I’ll admit some good things about myself. I’ve managed to quit both a codeine addiction in October and an alcohol addiction that lasted from November to the start of the month (8 days sober so far!), I can write slightly decently, I’m OK with knowledge of politics and shit, I’m working towards improving my relationship with my parents (and it’s working so far, thankfully), I’m fighting against the allure of misogynistic attitudes and sexism (like TheRedPill or Incels or pickup artists) even though I’m repulsive and a virgin and loveless, and I have strong, grounded opinions on things and will participate in things like local politics or protests (like the Women’s March last year) in defence of them. But that’s honestly about it. Outside of this little box of somewhat positive attributes, I’m an utter wreck and failure and miserable piece of fucking shit.
Nearly every other 18-year old has had a kiss, or a hug, or sex, but I’m too repulsive, too unnervingly freakish and abhorrent to even get that - in addition, I’ll repeat myself by saying once more that I don’t try dating because I don’t want to put any girl through the misery of having to interact with me at any meaningful level; I’m a feminist, and making a girl put up with my existence for any period of time longer than the bare minimum required by social politeness is most likely an extreme version of misogyny and violence against women.
Nobody is attracted to me - to be more specific, actually, no girl is attracted to me. I’ve gotten at least 30 matches on Tinder from guys aged 18-35 who are all handsome and accomplished and shit, but what good is that if all I want is a straight relationship? I’ve read that being attractive to gay men means you’re definitely attractive to women, but I guess I’m the exception. My face is the perfect mixture of ugly traits. I’ve got a persistent inability to properly talk or communicate to others. I’ve got a learning disability from birth - despite the fact that I have a 3.1 GPA in the English-Political Science double major so far (which honestly means jackshit to me), I’ll still always be inferior to all the normal people. I’ll always be deficient in things like executive control or memory processing or impulse control. My brain is literally smaller than a normal person’s, and I know that everyone else notices that feature of mine right off the bat. All of this forms a “jail cell” around me, so to speak. I want a relationship with love and cuddling and all that adorably romantic shit (I don’t want any casual hookups or one-night stands, because despite the fact that I’d never get one, I could never feel comfortable with physical contact that close with someone I barely know - hell, I can’t feel comfortable with physical contact with anyone), but as you can tell, I’m in no position to get it or even whine about it.
And on top of all that, I’ve got anxiety to the point where seeing a girl smile at me as I leave class for lunch results in me stressing about it for two hours straight afterwards, to the point where accidentally brushing against someone I’m sitting beside on the bus sends me on an hour-long mini panic about how wrong it was to do that and about how awful I am, to the point where I spend a good 6-8 hours a day stuck in my anxious train of thought, stressing about what I should be saying or not saying, about how to position my body so my body language isn’t repelling, about my fucking breathing on the bus on the way to school because I think I breathe loudly enough that others become uncomfortable. Unless I can learn how to really enjoy being an unwanted loner, I’m fucked for life.
Looking at this laundry list of fuckery, it’s easy to tell that I’m hopeless in life. I’m an 18-year old ugly, skinny, short, loveless, kissless virgin, and it’s likely that it’s going to stay this way until I’m six feet under. I’ve given up on dating before even trying, because even a cursory look at the game of dating shows me that I’m a player with no prospects, no training, no coach, and no hope when it gametime comes around. All I’m asking for is advice on how to deal with being the unwanted loner in the locker room who’s tormented by the sounds of joy from his teammates scoring goals on the field, I guess.
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self.depression
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I want you all to know, its always darkest before the dawn! I know it sounds cliche and I know you all want to kill yourselves.
But dont.
I have had abou 8-9 years of downward spiralling depression with nothing working out, life falling apart and absolute hell with myself. My ego felt like it was getting destroyed at every angle.
I realised Im not as much as I though I was cracked up to be. I realised how many mistakes Ive made.
I thought I was set up for greatness, yet shot myself in the foot with every aspect of my life - and when I realised I was the problem it sent me into hell.
But this is the thing.
I have beggining to feel like I can see the light again.
I might not be the man I thought I was. I might not be the lead guitarist touring round the world like I wanted to be.
But I know when I come out of this, reborn, new clarity. Things WILL be good.
The thing is it is called 'The dark night of the soul' - I have been through this inner turmoil for so long, But Im starting to realise it is neccesary, to become who I was meant to be all along. It is nessasarcy for me to be living in real TRUTH and not self deception/illusions/ego.
I remember the hell I went through with an ex girlfriend of 4 years, and how much it felt like she fucked my life up, but in reality, I see her now and I realise I dont actually like her as a person. We were not meant to be together. - At the time if you told me this I wouldn't of believed it, but its true.
I truly believe if you stick it out, go through all the bollox life throws at you, you will, eventually be where you are meant to be.
It might look a million miles different to what you imagined, it might not be what you thought you wanted.
But in the end, it WILL be right for you.
There is no better or worse, there is simply being who your meant to be, so dont compare your life with anybody elses because they have their own problems.
Be honest with yourself, live with integrity, and know that good times WILL come back. Stop fighting reality. Stop burying your head in the sand. Stop being fearful of what people think of you, what could go wrong, death, and anything else.
It is always darkest before the dawn, and when the dawn arrives you will appreciate it a hell of a lot more then you did before you had your dark days.
You go through this darkness to teach you things. Im sure a lot of you had some bitter truth revealed to you in this dark time, but see them as a blessing. They are there to teach you what you have done or are doing wrong.
You will find your way out the other side of hell eventually, so relax, ride through it and never give up!
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self.depression
|
I’m trying to be strong for my mom but I’m slowly having a breakdown [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Have you ever felt a depression so deep that you don't even care if you live or die? You don't give a single shit about what happens to you. You just go through the motions and vaguely hope that some random accident happens and takes you out of your misery. Whenever you encounter any situation, your only response is apathy.
It's gotten so bad that when my professor (who has made it her life's mission to terrorize her students) told me that I might not be able to graduate (despite not having any failing grades and submitting requirements on time) I laughed in her face, said ok, and walked out the door. I didn't care that she looked shocked, scared, and pissed off. I didn't care that I almost got run over when I left the campus. I didn't care about a single thing. If nuclear armageddon happened tomorrow, I'd sit outside and stare at the nukes and missles.
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self.depression
|
I feel like it’s only a matter of time until the next shooting... They seem to happen every couple of weeks now, and it is absolutely terrifying to me. I know that the chance of me or my loved ones being involved in one is ultimately pretty slim, but it just seems so much more possible lately. Does no one in charge seem to care that people are fucking dying??? I tried to make sense of the legalese regarding gun laws here in Michigan, and from what I can tell, they are pretty lax. Fuck. I’m not here for a political debate and I don’t claim to have the answers, but I am scared.
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self.Anxiety
|
A recent break up, sent me into a depressive cycle. I will give the short version. I was with a guy for almost a year. We hit it off great, had a lot in common. We weren't perfect but the relationship was good. At least I thought so...I fell in love with him and he told me he loved me. He left me for a married woman then came back a week later..He claimed he made a mistake and that he wanted me back. I took him back like a moron and about a month later he left me again.
So here I am, feeling worthless and hurt and confused.
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self.depression
|
Had two anxiety attacks today (well one and a almost) First one: full on shaking and had to go to the car for a cry. Was alright after 15 minutes though. The Mothers ministry had a party today at church. my grandma has dementia, is obsessed with food, and bad dentures. So she makes a complete mess over food. I freaked out because of course, they gave her a plateful of food she can't chew, and wasn't going to let me replace them. In the car, I (over)analyzed myself and came up with "I didn't want the Mothers to see her like that, messing over her food". Of course everything turned out fine because she tried her best, and she wasn't the only older person with food issues.
Second: my mother wanted to find another location of a takeout place. Google maps refused to cooperate, so I almost freaked out (shaking and Doom feelings) that got (over)analyzed as "things weren't working out the way they were supposed to". I calmed down with distractions: breathing, listening to the radio and singing along with the ones I knew, and telling myself that the worst that could happen was we wouldn't find the place and we'd just have to turn around. Also I spotted a blimp while looking out the window.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Does anyone else desire something worse to happen to them to distract them from the current terrible thing?
|
self.depression
|
Has the bar for being an "Asshole" been lowered? I just love it when people call me an asshole, even ones that don't even bother to get to know me.
Somehow, I have a reputation for being an asshole, but no one can tell me what it is that I've done to earn that appellation.
I can't think of anything I've done, I don't screw people over intentionally for my own self-gain, I don't spread gossip or lies about people nor do I talk shit about them behind their backs.
Now there are people I've met that have lots of friends, and those friends think they are a "great guy".
But I've seen that "great guy" lie to his bosses and in doing so got several other people fired. I've seen another "great guy" fuck up at work, cover it up, which lead to 70 people getting laid off, he kept his position.
I've seen that "great guy" sell bad drugs which almost killed someone. I've known another "great guy" that raped a girl when she was unconscious at a party (yes, I went to the cops when he bragged about it, he went to jail).
They insult other people, talk shit about others, spread lies and rumors, and almost everything they say is negative or insulting, but they never seem to be held accountable.
But, here's the thing that gets me, when I mention all this bad shit they've done to others, they don't seem to think it's important. Usually they say something along the lines of "Well, I don't have any problem with him" or "He's never done anything to me."
But I'm the asshole, because....well I have no idea why.
I always thought I was a pretty decent person, but apparently I'm not.
|
self.offmychest
|
Xpost Need job advice Back in August, after my week and a half long stay in the hospital, I quit my job on the spot while crying hysterically to my boss. I LOVED that job but I had convinced myself that it solely put me in the hospital.
I have a new job now which I like but don’t love. I want to go back to the other job, but since I quit on the spot, HR probably doesn’t like me. I asked my doctor’s receptionist if I could get a letter from him stating my diagnosis and that I was now on medication and stable. They haven’t gotten back to me if he can do that. Note: he also closes his practice on Friday. I just figured that he would be better than a new doctor since he treated me in the hospital.
Do y’all think the letter would help my case? Should I send a copy directly to my boss/ or if I can’t get it written, tell my boss that I’m in a much more stable place now?
|
self.bipolar
|
How do you folks reach to vitamin D supplements? I've been trying high dose vitamin D supplements >5000iu on some days, and have been noticing fatigue and exercise intolerance on those days that i dose this. And relatively much calmer than usual.
Just wondering if its a bipolar thing, and you guys notice the same?
|
self.bipolar
|
Thanks for nothing, "free" healthcare I am a Canadian who's spent most of her adult life dealing with some pretty debilitating health problems. For the entirety of 2016 and part of 2017, I had a migraine. For over a year.
You know that really bad migraine you had one time, where you puked up everything in your stomach and then somehow more, and you clawed the side of your head until it started bleeding, and you phoned your boyfriend telling him that you were going to commit suicide if he didn't come supervise you, and you passed out from pain, and then woke up again and started punching yourself and hitting your head against the wall to try and distract yourself from the pain, and your vision blacked out every time you moved, and everything felt like that time a dentist jammed a needle in the roof of your mouth except worse and it lasted for hours instead of seconds?
Oh wait, you're saying that's not what migraines feel like for most people? Well that's what they felt like for me, 80% of the time, for a fucking year!!!!!!!! Day in day out! That was my fucking life!
And the worst part is that nobody gave a single fuck because they'd all say things like "oh its just a headache, I've had those, #firstworldproblems". Hahaha okay I'm lying, the worst part was wanting to die all the time. And the second worst part was doctors not taking me seriously which meant i didn't qualify for welfare which meant the only thing keeping me from homelessness was the fact that I'd built up a year-long emergency fund before this all started. (RIP all of my money, you'll be missed) But people being dicks was a close third.
Anyway thanks to our awesome free healthcare, doctors pretty much refuse to send you to a specialist until they've exhausted every possible option.
also pretty much every option is a variation on either "i dunno, suck it up and eat three square meals a day" or "try this $500/month medicaton for 2 months and come back. You won't feel any effect for 2 months even if it does work, which it won't, so I hope you'll enjoy your next 2 months of agony, anyway fuck off we're paid based on the # of patients we can serve in a day and mama wants some new Louboutins. Oh what's that? you don't have health insurance because you're too sick to work? Uhhh did you not hear me when I told you to get out of my office? ".
So I didn't get a REFERRAL until THIRTEEN MONTHS of having a headache 24/7 that was ruining my life.
And then once i got the referral the waiting list was... almost eleven more months. Awesome. 24 months just to get a headache specialist to start looking into why my brain is deciding to destroy my life.
But then something miraculous happened. I started treating my body like an antique vase from 2000 AD. Any kind of physical activity, change to my eating or sleep schedule, stress at work, or really anything whatsoever other than sitting on the couch and watching netflix made my headaches worse. Seriously if I stub my toe I'll have a 5/10 headache for the rest of the day. My life is a goddamn joke. I replaced most of my furniture with stuff with rounded edges and padding because I am DEDICATED to this shit, yo. I even choose my shirts based on how much the fabric weighs because i can't put extra strain on my body. I'm like a historian trying to look at a mummy without turning it into dust. Everything with a seriously delicate touch.
So i figured out that if I just act like I'm a souffle that will get ruined if anything happens in my life whatsoever, my 24/7 headache will go from a 9/10 on the pain scale to something much lower, often even a 2/10. Maybe 4/10 on bad days. I can't actually do any of the things that make life worth living - except eating and reddit i guess lol. But I can kind of shuffle around miserably at a mcjob and sometimes I can handle a couple hours of real life in person conversation before i get all cranky and grumpy because my headache is creeping up on me and making it hard to focus on anything.
All of that really long backstory to say that I finally got my neurologist appointment today!!!!!!!!!
and it was just an hour and a half of them saying "?????? But your headaches are better now so why do you need help ?????? They're tolerable enough that you can actually be employed ???????? What is the problem here ?????? you told me you're not in agony anymore so. ..????????????? Why are you here? ????? Take some tylenol ??????????"
Because that's healthcare in Canada. Nobody gives a single maple syrup scented shit about quality of life. It's just "ok so you're not in total agony? Our work here is done! That is all that taxpayers cover (after a 24 month waiting period of course!)" Nobody is even fucking trying here. And i know i should be happy that at least I'm not going through torture anymore but fuck, i want my fucking life back, or at least i want doctors to at least pretend to be trying to help me get my life back. Fuck. I'm so fucking frustrated i just want to give up. I'm not going to give up. But I'm gonna eat a lot of ice cream and cry while watching shitty reality tv.
Is this a first world problem? I ranted about this to my mom and she was like "hey other people have it worse you could be blind or something". Thanks mom. I'm gonna be in pain for the next 70+ years (almost all my great grandparents lived to 100 so I've got those longevity genes y'all). I had to change careers, stop seeing my friends, give up on all my hobbies (except reddit <3 )... fuck. I hate doctors. I hate our healthcare system. I hate everything. I'm gonna go cry myself to sleep(* which gives me a headache every time i do it, fuck) and then tomorrow I'm gonna try and think of some way to describe my situation in a way that will make a doctor actually care enough to try. Or maybe things will just be moderately shitty forever!
I cant even handle my favorite hobby of watching netflix anymore because seeing people on TV living normal lives is starting to really effect me mentally. the jealously is getting outta control. I'll watch Friends and start crying because i can't play Foosball anymore or sit in an armchair or use a lot of stairs. It's dumb I know but i just really miss... everything. Good thing psychological therapy isn't covered by our free healthcare, and it only costs like $100/hour, so I'm sure I'll get help someday like maybe 5 years from now.
|
self.offmychest
|
Without my ex I feel extra lonely You’d figure I’d just feel tra lonely, but I guess it doesn’t work like that.
She left me two years ago and I just feel so deflated. There’s always some empty “it wasn’t meant to be” consolation comment, but it just is what it is.
I’m sad without her and she’s never coming back.
|
self.depression
|
I'm nothing That's how I have been thinking for the last few years. I'm nothing. Every night I sit here and im just sad because I know that no one will ever love me. All my life I wanted someone to hug and just be next to. So I sit here sad every night. And its like some girls fuck with me all the time too. This one I like keeps saying "I care" and "I love you" but then she turns around and falls in love with someone else. Then she comes back and says the same shit. I hate you but I love you. That's not the only thing wrong. I just generally hate myself. I see life as we wake up do our important shit like work. Then after work we come home and do pointless shit till the cycle restarts. I wanna get myself tested too for whatever sick fucking illness I have. But I can't because the Army don't like that. I hate life its just pain.
|
self.depression
|
I may have just wasted another year of my life and I feel fucking terrified. I was born and lived my whole life outside the US but moved away from home to attend a college in the states. However during my freshman year my mom became very sick, it got to the point that I decided to drop out after my freshman year and move back in with my parents.
My parents were super supportive and never pushed me into anything, in fact they wanted me to go back to the states at first. This was one hundred percent my decision and I still don't regret it, I couldn't live with myself if I wasn't there for my parents. The problem is that I had to reapply to university back home since none of my credits transferred, and since this decision was kind of last minute I applied haphazardly and had to pick things up about admissions as I went. The whole process is very different from the states and I did not do well on the entry tests since I had never seen the material before.
On top of this, there's only a handful of good universities in my home city and most of them are very competitive. I've been rejected from three of them now, I'm stuck on the wait-list for the last one and should find out if I got in by the end of this week. It's either this or nothing and if I don't get in I'll have essentially wasted two years and have no choice but to apply again next year.
I feel fucking broken now; this whole process was extremely prolonged and frustrating. My friends at college have finished a whole semester while I've been gone and I'm still fucking waiting. I fucking loved going to school, the thought of doing literally nothing all day for another year while all my friends keep getting more and more ahead of me is depressing. All my friends are either studying outside of my outside or are so busy with school that I hardly ever see them, I'm stuck at home almost everyday and it drives me crazy. I get the feeling my parents feel guilty too for affecting my future. I don't blame them but I had so much ambition for school before, I really wanted to be successful and now I feel like I have no future. If I get in to the last university I'm just going to work my ass off and not take any of this for granted; if I don't get in I'm honestly going to have a nervous breakdown. All I can do now is wait.
|
self.offmychest
|
How does anyone balance family life with real life? My husband works 7:30-5:30 at a job 40 minutes away. Most days he works late because his paycheck is dependent on how much work he actually does. He’s gone before the kids are up and they go to bed within three hours of him coming home.
Is this really how people live their whole lives? When is he ever supposed to get quality time with them? I feel like this isn’t how life is supposed to be
|
self.offmychest
|
Update "my suicidal gf" An update to my previous post called "my suicidal gf". Idont know how to announce updates properly sorry.
4 months together now. She turns 18 next month and is applying for euthanesia. I dno how to feel or what to do. She told me i kept her alive up til now. But she is all out now she says. Done. Broken. Exhausted. I cant stop crying😭😭😭
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
What are some good songs for panic attacks? I like to listen to music to calm down, and I’m currently at the beginning of one
|
self.Anxiety
|
I am extremely envious of the wealthy. Yeah I get I'll statistically never be rich. Most people won't. It just fucking kills me that I'll never be earning huge amounts of money. I'll just always be working away to make someone else richer.
Does anyone else ever feel like this? I make decent money and can afford nice things, but then I see some millionaire with his Audi R8 go past me and I just feel like shit. I exist to serve people like him and make him richer, working 38 hours a week.
How do you deal with this feeling of utter helplessness?
|
self.offmychest
|
Feeling of it being too late I feel like I've wasted so much potential, I'm pretty sure alot of people would want to(if they don't know me) or wouldve wanted to switch places with me somewhere down the road. Now I feel like because I fucked it all up I shouldn't get another chance. It's not like I am old or anything, I'm only 16. Also I can't go to school anymore normally. Today first time I've went in weeks (for a full day) and I got home and slept multiple hours because I don't have the energy for it.
|
self.depression
|
I’ve come to conclusion that I will commit suicide, just don’t know when... I am most certainly gonna be the one that takes my own life, I just have yet to decide on when it’s going to happen. I am diagnosed with chronic depression and currently take prozac and take counseling but it really doesn’t help me at all, just drains my money away. I don’t feel anything anymore, I just don’t care about anything anymore even less than I have before. I’ve failed at chasing any dreams I’ve ever had. I wanted to go to college and excel in sports and study psychology, but my grades in high school were awful even though I tried. I played football and wrestling, never made it passed 3rd string QB, hardly ever even played no matter how hard I tried. For wrestling I ended up being a team captain but I was nowhere near as good as I could’ve been. All I do now is work at a retail store full time. I feel as if my life is a joke, I’m not smart enough for school and I know nothing about trades and if I try and learn I know I’ll fuck up. Besides sports I have no true talent either, I suck ass at anything art related and I’ve been awful at any instrument I’ve tried to excel in. I’ve considered writing, but when is the last time any of you have met a writer who doesn’t go to college. I am 19 years old, I know I’m still young but I honestly feel as if I’ve been in this world long enough. My family is aware of my depression and suicidal tendencies but they don’t know much on the topic, they just hope my counseling can handle it. This is not where I’d thought I’d be at 19, at this point I’ve given up and I am content with that. I can’t remember the last day I’ve spent without contemplating suicide. Life is just a joke to me at this point. I just wanted to vent this all out, and I’m not looking for advice. Just want to know if there’s anyone in the same shoes as me willing to talk?
|
self.depression
|
No bother in even trying😢 While most people my age are getting their shit together I on the other hand am not.
They are getting degrees, getting married,having kids, finding their true love, finding their dream job and exploring their world. I'm laying down watching so much porn, gaining 400 pounds a day, no job, no friends, been single my entire life, I look like a fucking bonobo on meth.
Like I feel like a complete fucking failure in life, I dropped out of college in my second semester, I quit a job in 1 day because of my fucking depression and anxiety and now I'm to afraid to try anything because I feel like i just can't do it.
And even if the thought comes to my head about maybe I should just get my shit together and suck it up, my anxiety runs rampant.i feel like if I even remotely try to get my shit together something bad is gonna happen like, my parents die or my siblings die or hell I get in a accident and I get really fucked up.
Just so much fucking wrong with me man😢😢😢 I am not meant for this works at all, I don't have or serve a purpose. I genuinely believe I was put here to be fucked with 😢😢 I genuinely will try to kill myself today for the 8 time😢😢 this shit is to much
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Today has been one of the worst days man someone tell me they love even tho its a lie [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
In between hypomania and the drop do you get really clingy? I was a little hypomanic and I’m waiting for the drop. A pattern my husband and I have noticed is between them I have a really clingy stage where I want to be with him all the time. I begged him to stay home today even though I work from home and have to do work. I wanted to meet him for lunch but he said no. I’ve been texting him all day.
He says I don’t treat him like a real person during this time. He says that I treat him like he is only there to comfort me. That makes me sad but at the same time I just want to be around him.
Does this happen to anyone else?
|
self.bipolar
|
“Get therapy” I’m tired of this shit. No level of fucking therapy will solve my problems.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Have multiple close friends, but I know I'm no ones best friend, and it hurts all the time Most of the time I'm able to ignore it, but lately I've just gotten so jealous looking at photos of my friends going out with their best friends, and it's really unlike me. I think it might be that i have 6 bridesmaids for my wedding, but even with them I'm just a close friend and I know I wouldn't be any of their maid of honor. I have to ask for hangouts, and while I know that my friends care about me as a friend, I always feel like I'm just a convenience friend because I have to make all the plans, and most of the time they fall through. It's starting to affect my fiance because I've been trying to fill the lack of going out with friends, with wanting him to go out when sometimes he doesn't want to.
I though being in my late 20s, I wouldn't be so upset about something this stupid. Yet here I am lol.
I just needed to get this off my chest. I'm hoping the painful thoughts start going out soon. There's so much more important things to worry about.
|
self.depression
|
Hide behind the smile I think it's true when they say the people that seem the happiest are some of the most broken. Hiding behind a smile just so you don't break down when someone says "what's wrong? Is everything okay?"
|
self.depression
|
I can't do this anymore What's supposed to keep you going when everything that's making your depression worse is out of your control?
I just got fired for the first time ever at 26 yesterday for a petty Facebook comment. I showed up to work everyday I was scheduled, early even, and worked my fucking ass off for shitty people who don't give a fuck about me or the people that are helping make their business a success. I finally snapped. That dam in my brain of patience, compassion and general "do-the-right-thing-and-be-a-good-person" has fallen and the flood of life long built up hate and rage is flooding through.
I can't live in this world anymore. I'm pissed off that I didn't have a choice to be born in a reality where being a good, hard-working person gets you no where. Fuck America and the greedy, selfish cunts that get to run it. I'm done working my ass off and not getting a single thank you.
*Sigh* Rant over. If you read this, thank you. And sorry for so much profanity
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I still wanna fuck you (should I say anything?) [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I feel like if anyone got to really know me they'd find out I'm weird and awkward and they'd stop wanting to be around me. I'm terrified of getting close to people, but I want friends, so I keep doing this dance back and forth of trying to hang out with people then cutting contact before becoming friends.
As far back as I can remember, whenever I've tried to join a group conversation I've gotten weird looks, or people not understanding what I'm saying. I've learned that the less I say, the less awkward people will be around me, and I hate it.
|
self.depression
|
Met my crush So thursday my ex gf and also crush asked my to hangout and for a sleepover. I was fucking excited and said yes. So next day, we met at her house and watched some movies, everything fine. We eventually started kissing and cuddling after just a few mins.
We had a great time and she gave me some love bites. I thought:"Damn she has to have feelings for me!" I asked her if we are still friends or started dating rn? She replied with a "Idk"
A few mins ago I went home a as soon as I left her, all my feelings came up. I thought, it would never be a realtionship or something connected with love.
Then I asked her, if we can hangout again like next week and she said, she is meeting someone else. As soon as I heard that, I remind that she texted someone called "Leon" who is some kind of "Friend" which she plays Playstation with. He said that they meet up next week.
This hurt me so much.
Should I keep going? Because if just a little thing goes wrong, I blame myself etc. Idk how to describe it, but maybe one of you knows that feeling.
First reddit post/and I am not that familiar with english sry sry about that.
EDIT: If I dont have someone to talk to tonight, I might kill myself. I dont want to tho. It just seems the only way to get out.
|
self.depression
|
Side Effect or Symptom-Seraquel and my Lost days I have ADHD and Bipolar II diagnosed when I was 7. I take Seraquel to help my sleeping. I have been taking it since I was 8 years old with my dosage now at 2 100mg pills. I am wondering if anyone out there has noticed that when you wake up, regardless of what happens the day before, you really cant fully remember what happened. Each of my days kind of exists on its own isolated plane and when my wife tells me about how I acted yesterday, a manic episode or a depressive breakdown, it always feels like it happened to someone else and I didn't actually go through.
I have slept sometimes without using Seraquel, after heavy drinking, and when I wake up I still feel the connection to the previous day. I still feel the events and consequences of the day before. Each day I live so in the moment I am oblivious to tomorrow or yesterday which affects the people around me who have to deal with my episodes.
So is this a side effect of seraquel or the bipoalr/ADHD?
Because this disconnection between days has given me that depressing thought that "things have never changed"
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm not here to do your work I love my job, but the person who is supposed to be training me is making my life miserable. She's probably sick at least one day every week, and has other appointments she needs to leave early for pretty much 3 out of 5 days of the week. She is constantly late to work.
She's supposed to be training me, but instead, she typically just gives me a pile of her work to just go and do. And then she has the nerve to get angry at me when it's not done to her exacting standards.
Like, fuck off. If you don't like the way I do your work you can either:
1. Train me to do it better, like you're supposed to be doing or
2. Show up to work and do it your damn self.
To my knowledge, it's just a walking joke that she has a 'sensitive immune system' or that she's 'partied too hard over the long weekend' around the office. My senior superior doesn't seem to mind all that much about how she behaves, but I guess the only solace is he doesn't take what she says about what I'm supposedly doing wrong seriously. Oh, and that's the other thing: today I caught her talking behind my back to my senior superior. He came in and was like, "hey, she's mad at you, I guess it's good that you're here." I told him the actual BS it was over - she was angry that something I picked up for her - an actual PERSONAL errand - I didn't place exactly where she told me to in the office. Oh, so sorry your Majesty, I was busy actually doing work - my work AND your work. I guess I shouldn't be so surprised she was smearing me behind my back, she does it with everyone else when I'm around.
Anyway. Fuck.
|
self.offmychest
|
I deserve to die Idk if I want to die, but I know I deserve to. I'm such a shitty person, inside and out, and I can't change no matter how hard I try. I'm just a burden to everyone around me and the world would be better without me. Something is keeping me alive though even if I don't know what it is. Everyday is painful in some sense though.
|
self.depression
|
Is it such an unforgivable sin to be lost in life? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
So Scared of Driving I'm 20 years old and don't have my license or a car yet. The fear stems from the fact that no matter how good I am at driving, some idiot could always just kill me. I'm not a good driver, my driver's ed teacher actually made me cry back in high school I was that bad. I'm so afraid of hurting myself or others, it feels like driving is equivalent to being put on a stage in front of hundreds of people but if you mess up you could die.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I love my family but I feel like I could live without them for the rest of my life. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Threw away all my alcohol yesterday but regreting it. I want to stop. (Addictive/impulsive personality) [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Despite, I've had attempted in 2017. However, I'm still in doubt to do it again, there's part inside me telling not to.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
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