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People always say "keep fighting", but what if I see nothing to fight for? What if I don't see life as worth living? I have this thought a lot, and it makes my attempts to get better seem pointless, because I don't know if I'm getting better because there are things that make life worth living, or if I just.. have to, you know? Like, you just have to or else you're weak-minded. Because it's life, you just get on with it. But I feel things would go much smoother if I saw some things as worth fighting for. This is mostly cause of some comments I saw that were like "fight!" "Kick depressions ass!". Sometimes I think.. why? Some have told me to ignore that, but that kinda fuels my thought that it's not worth it, and you just do it. I hope this doesn't make me a bad person.
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self.depression
|
Should I No longer Try to be in relationships anymore? I'm 23 years old and I have been away from relationships for 4 years. I was left because of my anxiety by the person I felt like understood me the most.
I just feel like I'm very burdensome. I fight with anxiety and try to be a better person by fixing my problem, but I know to some I look like a slightly happier than average person. Recently, I got so unbelievably happy with this person. I was laughing and smiling every day with her and we got extremely close. Then it started to hit me hard. I know how anxious I get and that it would be selfish of me to put anyone through having to deal with me so I told her about this side of me.
She was sympathetic, but I know it's probably the last time I will hear from her. It's the first time I felt a good connection in 4 years, but it honestly made me feel that I should stop wasting people's time. Is it better this way?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I think I need help Hey thought I'd post here again
I'm getting out of a toxic enviroment, but I think im moving to a new one in a few days because its the lesser of two evils.
I live in housing provided by the government with around 7 people who are mentally ill.
I have very low housing options because of my lack of employability and the state of high rent cost where I live. im atleast fortunate to have a roof over me and not be homeless. However I recently had to leave my housing because of other residents who emotionally manipulate and bully others myself included. staff unfortunately turns a blind eye, many people who are being bullied don't speak up because they're either used to it, they are afraid to speak up, and they might not know anything is wrong to begin with because it's very subtle emotional manipulation, but enough to be damaging. Unfortunately unless a resident has proof that others have abused them in some manner, staff can't do anything about a situation.
It was very hard for me to deal with these individuals. some of their actions have lead me to harm myself and be on suicide watch for awhile. The worker assigned to me recommends I to move to another government funded house by the same company in hope that I'll adapt better. I was very happy at first because I was hoping I'd be in a new healthier environment.
However I recently heard from one other women about one other resident. he inappropriately approaches other women in the house but has lived in it for many years. He believes he's "gods gift to man" . He has little regard for other people aside from himself, and incredibly bullheaded and arrogant. This sounds very trivial and something I just need to tolerate but this is where I really struggle. I have lived most of my life with at least one individual who is toxic towards my mental health. I don't think i'm going to get any better with this issue.
I know that government housing is not perfect, I personally think that stuffing a group of mentally ill hurt individuals with minimum support is not the best idea but this is probably the best housing situation I can get according to my worker unless I try other options such as a shelter which I doubt will be much better. I have some money saved up but I have a lot of issues getting employed and that's a whole other ball game, i can't take care of myself i doubt anyone will hire me. I have no job experience aside from volunteering. I can't get to anything on time. I hate that I can't find any safe space for me to get better and I can only get entree level employment which is not great for my mind either because im constantly being scrutinized but fuck it have to deal with it anyways.
I left my families house because I was being emotionally abused and had been physically abused too. I'm tired. im angry at my social worker for not mentioning this man to me before recommenced me this house and im disappointed and tired of my lack of inability to cope. I really don't want to be a victim any more and just deal with the hand that was dealt to me but I get really frustrated at times. I struggle to feed and take care of my needs daily because of learned helplessness, I can't begin to imagine how I can handle a part time job. I have no family or relatives I can move with that aren't going to fuck up my heath, and no friends who are not deep in school debt and just trying to take care of themselves. I need to develop peace of mind in my head but it's incredibly difficult to say the least.
The fucking cherry on top is that my dad, my childhood abuser is getting so sick he's starting to not be able to do simple tasks. and refuses to take any help from doctors because of paranoia. he's pooping black, he's becoming blind because of neglect to take care of his diabetes, He's gotten a lot sicker and the other day he fell down the stairs and half of his face was swollen. This is just some of the stuff I remember off the top of my head. My mom recently told me shes very scared that he doesn't have much longer. i'm not sure how valid this is but there not doubt that its getting worse and worse for him. my dad is aggressive, selfish, self absorbed, egotistical, takes control of my mothers funds, and does a whole slew of things I really don't want to get into. My family hates it be we don't have the heart to just leave him, we still love him. I'm very stressed.
and I can't fucking control my anxiety to put myself out there and get a job. I want to shoot myself.
i'm sorry if my ideas are not clear enough or make much sense or seem questionably accurate,i'm just very emotionally exhausted and trying to hang on.
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self.depression
|
Why am I not eating even though I AM hungry? *Hope someone has the patience to read this... *
I have always been a picky eater. I do give most foods a try instead of dismissing them outright, but I genuinely do not like a lot of foods, and the ones I do like are not something my mother cooks or I can afford to have on a daily basis.
Lately though, I've had less and less food at home that I actually want to eat and rarely had the energy to actually cook myself (which involves having to go out and buy ingredients as well cause I never have any of them at home).
I've had days where I literally only had cereal in the morning and maybe a sandwich at night just so I wouldn't starve. It doesn't help that I tend to not eat when I'm stressed or anxious or sad. And not eating makes me more anxious in itself. This situation has turned into a cycle where I just don't eat now because I literally have a hard time getting through a meal. My stomach is a crampy ball and it just feels like nothing is appetising anymore.
I can feel the repercussions of this in my whole body, my stomach hurts more than usual, poops are *crappy*, I'm always tired and my blood sugar is constantly low, so I feel dizzy and can't concentrate.
**I don't know how to get out of this cycle.** It's almost 2AM and I'm hungry as fuck right now but I know that if I open the fridge I'll stare into it for 3 minutes and just end up having some plain bread.
What's wrong with me? I've had times when I just didn't like what I had to eat, but it was never for so long that it genuinely affected me...
**TL;DR** can't seem to like any foods I have available anymore, and ended up getting into a cycle of not eating cause I haven't had a proper meal for too long so my stomach got tight and crampy
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self.Anxiety
|
Any tips for non- social anxiety worrier. I love this sub! I use it daily and it has done so many wonders of helping me out during the rough times. However, I notice it's hard to weed through the form for people like me, who's anxiety is obsessive and purely mental-physical.
I'm a communication major who has rarely any social anxieties (besides the standard obsessive wondering if you ever said the right or wrong thing)
Anxiety is the worst for me when I believe I'm dying to put it bluntly, when my heart races, my vision blurs, I gasp for air, palpitations & pains. I understand this is very common. What are your best tips and tricks to calm yourself down? Would love to hear it.
Tldr; looking for advice for anxiety attacks that come randomly and mimic disorders, any self sayings or habits would be awesome!
|
self.Anxiety
|
Did my girlfriend of 3 years leave me because of my depression/anxiety? Hi there, in need of some advice..
On the 3rd of January my girlfriend of 3 years decided to tell me she wasn’t happy anymore and wanted to break up. Now, let me go back to the start.. I’ve always suffered from depression/anxiety but it’s been up & down/managed with medication over the years. Confidence has a lot to do with how good/bad it is too. If I’m feeling really good about myself my anxiety isn’t really apparent, but when I feel bad about myself or something that’s happened/happening it’s chronic. When we met I was very self confident, over the past 3 years I’ve had quite a few small low moments in my mental health (which she’s always been amazing with) She was incredibly understanding & great at looking after me etc. However, back in September we had a bad car accident which triggered my anxiety pretty badly. Ever since then our relationship has not been the same. I admit that I pushed her away sexually because I wasn’t feeling great so we weren’t sleeping together very much anymore. Another factor of this is because she drinks heavily, since the accident she’s been out of control with her drinking which has made her less attractive to me. I don’t want to be near her when she’s drunk & she knows this. Despite all this we’ve still been very affectionate towards one another since the accident (kissing/cuddling) just not a lot of sex. We had a good Christmas with her Family, but from Boxing Day onwards to New Year I was really poorly with my anxiety/period etc. She was working New Year but we spoke on the phone when midnight came & said we loved one another etc. She went drinking with work friends that night but didn’t come home until the next day. (Before anyone asks, no I don’t think there’s anyone else & I’ve even asked her. I think it’s just her love of the drink that she can’t seem to give up) The next 2 days after New Year she was going to work (she works in a pub) then came home & started drinking at half 2/3 in the afternoon. I was getting ready for work the day we broke up & could hear her making a drink. I shouted down to her.. ‘Babe are you drinking already?’ She replied ‘Babe it’s fine..’ After that I snapped. Her drinking was making my anxiety worse & she didn’t seem to care. I knew she had a problem but I love her more than anything & was willing to stick by her. I came home from work early to confront her about her drinking. Then out of the blue she turned around to tell me she was unhappy etc. I couldn’t believe what she was telling me & that she’d rather give up everything to move back home. (However she’s an hour away from home where we lived here & her whole family drink like she does) Since the break up we’ve seen each other a couple of times (She came round to talk, see the dog, pick up her stuff etc) When she first came round to talk she just told me that we hadn’t been the same for a few months & that she loved me but just wanted to be friends (which I declined) I told her I can’t be friends because I want to be with her. I can’t imagine my life without her & I’m willing to work through anything for us to be together, even her drinking. However she seems incredibly closed off to that idea & said the argument we had when we broke up was like the final straw for her. We went a week with no contact (which has been hell, I’ve never cried so much in my life. I am broken) However she text me this morning to say she hopes I’m alright & wonders when she could see our dog. I replied, answered her questions but asked how she felt about everything & if she still feels the same or if she’s willing to talk to me. Since then (this afternoon she’s read it but not replied) Now what do I do? I love her so much, I want us to be together.. but if she doesn’t I can’t keep seeing her just for her to see our dog. I feel awful by cutting her off from our dog if she replies that she still feels the same but I’ve given my heart & soul to her but nothing in return since we broke up. Please give me advice, help, where to go from here.. I’ve been medically signed off work with stress/anxiety until next week but I emotionally feel like a wreck, like my life has completely been torn apart by the one person who always said they’d never leave me. How can I trust anyone ever again if we don’t get back together? Do you think she left me because of my anxiety/depression & me pushing her away or because I confronted her drinking? Help.
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self.depression
|
I feel like I'm slowly losing my will to live [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Living with a fixed mindset I've recently started a doctorate and one of our tasks is to keep a reflective learning journal. I've just written this entry and really wanted to share it. My first instinct was to send it to my Mum, but I think she'd feel like I am blaming her, so instead, I am posting it here.
In lectures this week we talked about mindsets, and specifically the difference between a fixed and growth mindset. I remembered being introduced to mindsets during my time as a teacher. At that time, I was really intrigued by the notion and could definitely see how it applied to many of the children I worked with. I also became increasingly aware that I had a very fixed mindset about my own level of intelligence and ability to learn.
As part of the session, the tutor described the typical trajectory of a pupil with a fixed mindset, and he could have been describing me. During my early years at school, I was repeatedly told that I was ‘clever’, ‘bright’, ‘smart’ etc. This made me feel good, and a lot of my identity was based around it. The same message was reinforced at home by my parents, and by my friends who often sought me out for help with their own school work. I enjoyed school because I was good at it. However, later on, when I began my GCSEs, I found that all of a sudden, the work wasn’t easy anymore. I didn’t always ‘get’ things straight away. My marks started dropping. Rather than realise that I probably needed to put more effort into my learning, I began to shy away from education altogether. Each low mark or criticism of my work (however constructive) felt like a personal attack. I was hugely jealous when friends and classmates did well, as it seemed so easy for them. As the tutor described, I had reached a precipice, where I felt that I had met the bounds of my intelligence and could go no further.
This attitude followed me all the way through university, where as soon as something became difficult in my work, I retreated back to comfort and avoided putting myself in situations where failure was an option.
In the years after university, I had tried to take steps to address this. I started trying to get back into learning, but this time just for the sake of learning itself, not to pass a test or reach a goal. In my own time, I studied programming, languages and also started reading more, an activity which I had completely dropped after university. This was useful because it helped me understand that learning isn’t just about getting things right, it’s about developing skills over time, about being prepared to persevere through the tough parts.
The session this week reminded me that it’s easy to slip back into old habits. Despite efforts to adopt more of a growth mindset, I still often approach learning with a fixed mindset. I still compare myself to other people and worry that they are simply more intelligent than me and so will naturally do better. I avoid getting started on tasks because the fear of failure is overwhelming. I constantly question whether starting this doctorate was the right thing because I wonder whether or not I am ‘smart’ enough to complete it.
What I need to keep in mind is that effort is what makes the difference, not intelligence. If I can just keep on pushing forward and putting in the effort, no matter how daunting the task, I will get there in the end.
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self.offmychest
|
Am I depressed? I seem to have all the symptoms of depression, but I do not hate myself. I don't feel happy anymore except for in short bursts. I am unmotivated, and tired all of the time, but I don't feel like I am the source of the problem. am I depressed or is it something else?
|
self.depression
|
Today was the first time i actually thought about ending it. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Feeling better first post in a long time! 2017 was an absolute cunt of a year trying to fight this shit. But as of a few months ago I decided I'd had enough and came to an ultimatum of basically suicide or reaching out to a professional. I come from a family of psychologists and by chance my wife is also a psychologist. So looking back it was stupid to stay quiet for so long literally years went by without me reaching out to someone.
I started taking citilopram about 3 months ago and it's my first try on any medication. Before taking it I had some sort of grudge against medication I wanted to beat it on my own, I thought in the long run it would make me stronger. In hindsight I think that was a big part of my depression the fact that I didn't want help, that mindset also reflects in a lot of my day to day actions as well.
Anyway long story short, I now understand that I couldn't have been more wrong. I wasn't weak, I wasn't pathetic, and I was strong enough to beat it. After doing a lot of research I finally understand that those feelings of weakness weren't my personality at all it was nothing but a chemical imbalance. I feel happy again, I feel angry again, and I feel love for the people I surround myself with again. It's so exhausting feeling little to nothing all the time, stuck in a limbo of gray and stagnant emotion.
Please I know it might seem impossible to try anything new but I urge you all if there's something you haven't tried and you are tired of feeling the way you do, do something about it. Kick depression in its fucking face find control in yourself again. Best of luck guys I hope all of you come out the other side of this shit.
|
self.depression
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If things continue at this rate, I'm going to check myself into a psych ward. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
It's my birthday and I'm sitting here crying I have hardly any friends because I'm so shy, so I'm alone on my birthday. I feel so unaccomplished in life and not even my family cares how I feel.
Definitely feeling great on my 21st.
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self.offmychest
|
[NSFW] An open letter to people who go to the movies to give blowjobs [removed]
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self.offmychest
|
I love the rain because I know more people are miserable. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
i think I might be going crazy I'm sorry for posting this but I really need to get this out here. I'm not asking for medical advice, I'm already seeing a psychologist for other issues and am planning on bringing it up next time I see my therapist but my last session got cancelled so I can't see her for a few more weeks.
Over the past few months I've noticed changes, they're very slow and at first it wasn't concerning to me because I was coping. It wasn't that bad at first, I'm already really anxious around other people because I have avoidant personality disorder but a few months ago I started wondering if random people were going to hurt me. Like if I was driving down the road and someone was following me for more than a few minutes I would get anxious and wonder if they were planning on following me home so they could hurt me. I don't know when it started getting bad but at one point I started feeling like I *knew* they were going to hurt me, in my head I'm formulating plans for what I'm going to do when I get home because in my head I've already accepted that they're hunting me down for one reason or another. I also started noticing that I mess up words and stuff a lot more, people were telling me more and more that I wasn't making sense or I was just dropping words mid-sentence. Usually my grammar and spelling is pretty good but I've been making more and more mistakes with run-on sentences and basic spelling errors that I normally don't make and don't realize until people point it out. It wasn't concerning to me because these are the least of my problems.
But earlier this week, something really bad happened and I think I might be losing my grip on reality. I was driving in to college and my car's anti-lock brakes activated. I don't know why, and it's really really stupid in retrospect, but in my head, that meant I hit and killed someone. I legitimately spent the rest of the day feeling so horribly guilty to the point of tears for the (non-existent) person I had killed and waiting for the cops to arrest me. The entire class I was so tense just waiting for the police to kick down the door and arrest me in front of everyone. Obviously, that didn't happen, but the entire ride home was so much worse.
In my head, every single car I saw was an undercover police car following me home so they can arrest me. I must have been hyperventilating, because at one point, I almost passed out while I was on the highway. (After that happened, I was *also* convinced my car was broken and I was breathing in carbon monoxide, which meant I had to get home before I died. I was so scared of getting arrested that this became an afterthought.) I remember being so terrified of every car that was following me because I knew they were just waiting to pull me over and arrest me. When I got home and nothing happened, I went in my room and obsessed over the news for a while looking for any stories about hit-and-runs in the area. When that turned up nothing, I started to relax and distracted myself.
At one point in the evening, my dogs started barking at something, and I just assumed the police were there to arrest and I hid in the closet until they stopped barking.
The entire time, some part of me knew that I was being irrational and I was trying to talk me down but it wasn't working at all. I had an entire list of reasons why it was literally impossible for me to have hit someone (I heard nothing, I felt nothing, there were dozens of people who would have witnessed it and would have probably at the very least screamed, honked at me, or reacted at all, the police never showed up, I checked my car for any blood or signs that I hit anything, etc.) For whatever reason though I just couldn't accept it. It was like trying to convince myself that the sky isn't blue.
By the end of the day, whatever the hell happened had passed, but this is making me realize that something is seriously wrong. I feel so awful about this because I'm already mentally ill, what else could *possibly* be wrong with me? I'm so scared of this happening again. It was so exhausting.
I'm not going to put a no advice wanted flair on this because if someone can shoot a few ideas my way on how to deal with this before I see my therapist again that would be pretty chill, but ultimately I don't know if there's much advice that can even be given in this situatiion so I just wanted to get it off my chest.
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self.offmychest
|
Nothing Works I've tried getting help, but nothing lasts long enough. I thought meds were doing the work they told me it would, but still here I am paralyzed with no desire to do anything. I just want motivation or reason to not waste all this time I have. I feel bad for everyone that deals with me, because more often than not they think I hate them, and that just makes me hate myself even more. I don't know how to live with others, or how anyone does it. It feels like boredom, but I know I can't help it. I just wish I could fix it.
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self.depression
|
Standing in the bathroom, staring blankly at the floor as a chaotic stream of thoughts bashes against the inside of my skull. I'm looking for a way out.
This isn't necessarily a suicidal thought, although it could be interpreted that way. Whether it be killing myself in a philosophical sense or something more literal, I know I need to do something drastic. Or, maybe that's just my mental illness speaking.
I was doing relatively well for awhile. Chemical imbalance doesn't magically go away, but I was better for about a year...or, at least, better than I had been in a long time.
Lately, I'm worse than ever. There are days where I find myself laying on the couch, looking up at the ceiling, begging myself to find the source of my problems. How did I fuck my life up this bad? What brought me to this point? Why can't I get myself out of this hole I've dug? When will I finally be okay?
And, it's not just on my days off where I'm doing nothing. I could be completely engrossed in my job, but I'm still stuck on this island in my mind searching for something, anything, to save me from myself. How cliché.
I can't even take myself seriously when I'm fighting for another breath, so why should anyone else?
I'm not sure what the point of this post is. I'm not sure what I'm looking for from any of you, but I do feel I need to get this out and I don't feel like there's anywhere else I can do so. There's so much more rattling around in my brain, but right now I'm growing weary and should probably get some rest.
To my fellow confused and fucked up fighters of depression, keep moving forward.
To those of you listening and responding with positivity, thank you.
To everyone else, goodnight.
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self.depression
|
learning to get enough sleep is tough I've never been the kind of person who has slept much. As a child I didn't nap which drove my parents nuts. I'm a Teacher working on his PHD so most of the time I'm up until midnight working on school, then awake at 4 or 5 to start the day. I know this is not good.
This past week during my mental health check ups with my Psych and Therapist, I was prescribed Seroquel and am under advisement to really focus on getting enough sleep. So far it's been a hell of a groggy feeling in the morning and I imagine that isn't just the medication but my body getting used to getting the appropriate amount of sleep.
I never thought I'd say it but trying to sleep is one of the hardest things I've ever done on my path of self care!
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self.bipolar
|
What have I come to? I'm failing out of school and I know there's no chance of going back. This has been happening for the past 3 years. I fuck it up every fucking time. I thought this semester would be ok, but then I stopped going to classes for 2 months due to an unhealthy combination of depression, anxiety, and ADD to top it all off. I finally went back and started getting help. I was so excited because I had the hope of filing for incompletes (essentially due dates extended after the end of the semester) and still being able to get a good grade. But today I got an email from my professor saying I'm going to need to file for a withdrawal from the class because they can't support the incomplete any more. I can't do this again. I can't. I know I'm nothing but a huge disappointment to my parents.
All of my professors have told me they know I can do the work, and that I have a lot of potential to be an amazing student, even if I have to work at my own pace. But if I do have any, I sure as hell cant see it. I can't do it again. I finally figured out last semester what I want to do with my life but I can't even succeed in trying to follow my dreams. I have no motivation for anything. I don't want to face my parents and tell them about this. They're expecting me to come home with good marks.
This is probably the worst I've ever been. I never thought of myself as someone at risk cuz it was usually just a casual thought in my mind and not "I'm actually gonna kill myself." Then tonight I found myself googling the least painful ways to die with what I have handy (I.e. overdosing on my melatonin/zoloft) after staring at the bottles for too long and they all just say that all it does is cause really bad health problems. I don't want to be in more pain. I just want to be gone.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't know if I'm depressed or not Basically, although I'm not suicidal, I wouldn't mind if I learned that I would go to sleep tonight, and never wake up
I have no interest or desire in harming myself, so I don't know where these thoughts come from
Obviously, I can't tell anyone I know in person, as they'd think I was planning on doing something, really I just think that I've had my time, I'm 36 and had a pretty decent life, but I'd prefer not to have another 30-40 years here
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self.offmychest
|
I don't understand why I feel so bored about everything I don't have a job, I graduated from college 8 months ago.
There are a lot of things that I enjoy, but I've been feeling so unmotivated to do anything.
I really like movies, but I open Netflix and I just end up scrolling through the catalog endlessly until I close it. The same happens with video games or books or going out with friends...
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self.depression
|
Describing an extreme episode of derealization and a panic attack This just happened to me an hour ago, putting it here in case it helps anybody I guess.
One of my main fears is the fear of losing grip with reality, basically going completely crazy. Depersonalization and derealization are to my anxious brain sure signs that I am about to snap and never come back.
I was working on my laptop and I noticed that the screen seemed a little more yellowish than usual, this triggered a little reality test for me, am I okay? Why do I feel so weird all of a sudden? My arms started feeling extremely light, like feathers, my balance got a little messed up, everything seemed darker, I couldn't muster a coherent thought.
All of a sudden, boom my heartrate skyrockets, I start to feel my jaw getting tighter, my throat closing up a little, my legs tensing and my entire body shaking. I get up and walk around trying not to fall over, I walk around the house and everything seems darker than usual, I look at my hands and they feel like phantom hands, I can barely feel that I'm walking, it feels like walking on water. I can't keep my eyes focused on one spot, they keep wanting to move around, but at the same time they're strained from work.
I sit down for a minute to try to calm myself down, bad idea, I notice everything in front of me looks extremely unreal, "this must be it, I am entering psychosis" - I think to myself, while being gripped with an insurmountable sense of dread. It doesn't help that I'm alone at home. I start to reach to my rational self, and ask myself questions. I tell myself "I am <name>, 22 years old, born in 1995, I was looking at my laptop when this happened. Nobody is currently home, my dad just left. It's 8PM."
I start to check if I have any delusions or hallucinations, my mind is so foggy that this is extremely hard. I finally decide after 5 minutes to go for a walk. I take the walk, thoughts constantly racing through my head that I have just crossed the bridge to insanity. People in the streets, lights, the road, everything feels dreamy, I can barely walk because my legs are shaking, and still I feel light. My whole body feels like it's made of feathers and I will be gone with the wind at any moment.
After a few minutes, I start to calm down, I start to become cocky, telling the psychosis to come get me, because I don't care anymore, I tear up a little bit, every muscle in my body feels weak. I have almost no spatial awareness, and my vision is blurry. I calm down a lot more, and I get back to normal (well, normal while feeling extremely fatigued after that episode, and still have some DP/DR left)
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self.Anxiety
|
What was your experience with Latuda? I’m currently on Latuda but can’t figure out if it’s doing anything for me. No side effects, no change — if anything, I’m getting worse with my swings as I’m wearing off the SSRIs I took before Latuda. I communicated with my psychiatrist about it today and we decided we’d see my progress on it further as I’ve only completed a little over a week on it. I’m very miserable at this point and have been working with my therapist to fight suicidal thoughts. But I still want to stick it through to see if it will make a difference. I would appreciate hearing your experience.
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self.bipolar
|
Being depressed and alone I can deal with. It's when it sullies happy memories or stops me from creating them that I find it intolerable.
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self.depression
|
I just honestly never see a point in continuing to live [deleted]
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self.depression
|
[Possible trigger] First win via Exposure and Response Prevention for my ocd Hi,
I just wanted to share that I have been through a super emotional ERP session and now I am doing fine. I thought it would never be over.
I found something that triggered my obsessive thoughts: a bump on my lips and I started thinking that's herpes (no offense to those who have it, I am suffering from health concerns ocd and hypochondria) and I started thinking that my bf will break up with me cause he doesn't want to get infected or because he thinks I might cheated on him. I was crying a lot and I was trying not to give in to my compulsions aka check my body or try to call my doctor or seek reassurance from friends. I wanted to call my bf and tell him what is happening and then break up with him before it's too late or before he gets it and he hates me. I spend my time, sitting on my couch, unable to move, thinking I am going to die alone and no one will love me.
Right now, my problem seems silly and not important. If he breaks up with me because of herpes he is not worth of me. If I do have herpes, I am not going to die.
Please do not try to explain to me how herpes is transmitted or that is not a big deal. I know all that. My concerns regarding herpes are raised because of my ocd. My ocd makes it a big deal and gives me panic attacks. Please try to respect this :) I am sorry if someone is offended by this, please try to understand that it is my ocd talking, not me :)
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self.Anxiety
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Help; I am incredibly unhappy in relationship with depressed girlfriend I don't know if this is the appropriate place for this, but I need help. I am a person who does not have depression (diagnosed with GAD and have some PTSD though) who is struggling in a relationship with someone with depression.
I (25F) have been in a relationship with my girlfriend (24F) for just over two years. While things were great in the beginning, things have been not great for me for the least year and a half.
For the better part of these two years, my girlfriend Sarah has been extremely depressed. She rarely leaves the house, has zero desire for any sort of intimacy, typically doesn't show any outward affection for me, doesn't desire to do any dates/activities with me, and is generally feels quite numb. I am feeling extremely unloved and wish to leave the relationship. In the past, when I have brought up my issues in the relationship, she has expressed that she is this way because she is depressed, and that being with someone who is depressed is always like this.
I should also add that she has no issues in the relationship right now- she loves me, never wants me to leave, and is pretty much okay with our dynamic.
I feel really, really guilty about leaving her over what are basically her symptoms of depression. She has been in therapy for the last two years and nothing is getting better. I truly love her and want to be with her, but I can't live like this, especially as someone who (due to anxiety and a near-death experience) feels really passionately about exploring the world and making the most out of life.
It's stupid, but we share the same friend group and I am worried that everyone will blame me for leaving Sarah because of her depression. But I think I will have to end the relationship because I am so miserable.
I don't know what I'm even trying to express here. What do you guys think?
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self.depression
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Has only check themselves into the hospital? My therapist keeps saying " i need to for an evaluation", but i think im fine.
Edit has any one* there goes typing and crying.
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self.depression
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To That Lady That Humiliated Me... [Rant] When I was sixteen, I worked at a Bob Evan's restaurant. It was an extremely busy night and not only was I to seat people as a host, but I also was supposed to cash people out *and* serve three tables in my section. Our restaurant was severely understaffed. One girl I worked with ran three sections because we only had four waiters and one of them always disappeared for half an hour at a time periodically throughout the afternoon/night.
Well, I was already stressed, and I'm an extremely anxious person regardless of outside pressure, and I accidentally sat a person before I sat a couple.
The wife of the couple marched up to me and started interrogating me in front of dozens of people, asking why I sat that man instead of her and her husband, asking why I was being so pathetic. I told her, straight out, that I accidentally sat him and I apologized, saying they'd get the next table.
She continued to push me, saying that she was going to talk to my manager, telling me she was going to get me fired for my stupidity. She called me disgusting names, saying I was a disgrace in this job and I needed to get my act together or I'd get my ass kicked by the workforce for my incompetence. She told me she was a waitress for years, and she never had any issues whatsoever. She told me she was perfect at my job, and I was obvious shit at mine because I had no backbone and was anxious just facing one customer.
I was *sixteen*. I was *a scared, stressed teenager* that was working *six hours a school night* for a fucking, measly *three dollars an hour*. And I *rarely* got tipped anything over three dollars per table.
So, to that sniveling little witch that humiliated me in front of everyone, belittled me and called me names that shot my self esteem down the toilet and had me wanting to fling myself in front of a bus for a week straight - *thank you*. Thank you for calling me those names, and thank you for pointing out my anxiety to *everyone in the goddamn restaurant*. Thank you. Because I rose above that shit. After you came rummaging through my life like the little raccoon you are, I've learned to overcome my fears and work with my anxiety to become a better person. *Thank you* for having the audacity to chew out a scrawny sixteen year old boy who was *obviously* anxious and stressed. Because if you didn't, I would probably still be the little cowering sack of shit I was before.
Like, this lady was wearing *a fucking expensive-ass fur coat* to *BOB EVANS* like it was a *fucking five-star Gordon Ramsey-run restaurant.*
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self.offmychest
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Hypomania plus a cold I've been hypomanic for a couple of weeks and obviously I've worn out my body a bit - most days I've been spending more hours a day walking than sleeping. I have a sore throat and those feelings of an early-stage cold. And I'm frustrated as hell! I want to go out and keep doing, doing, doing but I'm definitely also physically sick. Have you been in this situation?? What do I do?!? If you could tell me how not to be sick, that'd be awesome. Failing that, ideas that will allow me to use my pent-up energy from bed?
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self.bipolar
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Aren't I warranted to tell someone that I hope something bad happens to them after they have a psychotic episode with me? A couple nights ago, my ex bf went berserk on me after I asked him (and I even asked him nicely) not to talk to me about his lust for other women. I told him to talk about other women to his guy friends, not to me. He had a psychotic rage and proceeded to verbally attack me with swear words. I hung up in his face and told him not to contact me anymore and he still kept harassing me and calling me anyway. All this and then remembering how he called me slow and made jokes about my intelligence made me tell him that I hope something bad happens to him. I already shared with him before we even had this altercation that I have been called "mentally challenged" my entire life because I went to a gifted school, and then to have him call me slow after I told him this really hurt me and made me feel inhuman.
Now he is slandering my name online with pictures of me that he took of me without my permission. I am feeling extremely low right now and possibly suicidal. I am tired of being hurt by men and having them call me slow and worthless.
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self.offmychest
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I'm afraid that my mom feels she has failed me I'll try to make it simple and short. I had some very rough times in my life and because of that I started smoking. It was a stupid decision, I hate that I did it, but yeah. I mainly did it because of
my depression which finally dissapeared. Unfortunately I still smoke because I'm addicted. Every time I have to go out for a smoke I feel so bad because I'm afraid my mom feels that she has failed me. She always is supportive and she understands why I started and why I can't "just" quit, but I still feel this way. I'm only 17, so yeah it was stupid to start in the first place.
I just wish I didn't feel this way, but she told me that she felt it was her fault I was depressed, so I have a very good reason to think that she thinks the same thing now. I wish I could quit, but I'm afraid the depression will come back (like the last time I tried to quit) and that I will gain weight. I hate this addiction so much, but I love doing it at the same time. Even though I'm quite happy now I still love going out for a smoke and just think for a second. It helps me to get through the stressful times. I know it's harmful, thinking about that doesn't help. Only makes me feel worse.
I feel so ashamed of what I'm doing.
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self.offmychest
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Ruining my life is the only thing my mother has helped me do. I'm 15 years old and my life is ruined.
I don't want anyone to recognize who I am so I'm not going to say how but it's not because some girl I like rejected me or I failed a test like most 15 year olds are sad about, I have genuine reason to feel sad and hurt and it's ruining me, well ruining what's left.
I just want to kill myself, I've already made 2 very bad attempts this year and I just can't seem to do it, I don't have rope, a gun, anything I can overdose on, not even something to stab myself with because my family will see my tears on the way to the kitchen to get a knife.
The worst part? It's mostly my mothers neglect that caused this, I wish I was a mistake, because then she would have an excuse, but no, I was planned, she just did a *very* shit job, so bad that even if I recover from this mess it will haunt me the rest of my life.
The tears have calmed down now so I'm going to go and try to take my mind off of, well, my life.
Bye.
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self.SuicideWatch
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please I need help so i have self-harmed twice and then my divider and compass was taken away i am having the temptation to cutting again but have no tools to do so and whenever i am home i always just want to cry but i really cant because there are other people at home and honestly at this point i want something very bad to happen to me so that i die i dont know how do i let my frustration and anger out the way i did it was self-harm but i dont have a divider or compass and i dont know what to do i want to call my friend but i dont want to be a burden on them or to get them more worried they have their own stuff to deal with
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self.depression
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I have really embarrassing feelings about my mom. Dont know what to do. Please help. Hey guys. I'm 13 and don't know another place to put this. I love my mom so much but I think it's going too far now. 2 years ago I started getting crushes on other girls, but its mostly been my mom. I think about her all the time and I feel really bad about it. I think about her body and how she makes me feel. It's really bad but she's so beautiful and I cant help it. I cant even jack off without thinking of her. I know she'll get mad if I tell her so I dont know what to do. I dont want to feel like this forever. Please help me if you have any advice. Thanks
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self.offmychest
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Please send me of well I have the bricks and pan to go, and like hyung,
I hope god can forgive me,
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self.SuicideWatch
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The moment you realize you are the asshole in the situation This always happens to me like this. I become good friends with some one. Everything is great because they support me and i support them. The more they get to know me the more of my issues come out. Stuff happens between me and them and I come out thinking I never didnt anything wrong. Things keep piling up and eventually we have a falling out of sorts. Then when I look back at all the stuff I've done to them, I realize I have been the asshole the whole time. I do things without thinking about it run only by my emotions. Well I want to start to work on realizing the stuff I do to mess with other peoples lives and cut that behavior out of my life. I think the only way to do this is focus on myself and stop worrying about everyone else and their situations. I just really needed to vent this out. Thanks if you gave the time to read my ramblings.
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self.depression
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Im confused about my suicidal thoughts So Im not sure where to start because today is a day where i dont want to have my body die. And i dont want to rant too but i also need to talk to people who understand wanting to move on from this body and life. Ive had suicidal thoughts since i was nine.
Ive never attemped. But i fantasized about being dead. I have very recently broke up with my ex. But he isnt the issue i think. Maybe he is. I cant hold down a steady job. But im trying to solve my financial problems by being proactive. The city in maddening. Cars, sirens, people, noise and lights.
There are a million reasons why i want to die. No one gets it. An example, Because i havent attempted and never will i feel lonely. Like i dont belong with anyone on one side of the fence or another. When i say im suicidal but i dont attempt i get a poser by people who attempt; and look like an attention whore by people who arent suicidal. But i feel like a burden. To my friends, my brother, my land lords, the planet.
I recently had a dream where i was a light orb. I wasflying through space till i reached a swirling galaxy. My consciousness' origin. A hand reached down and grabbed me. It matched the patterns and colours of my home. Not child hood home. Lets be clear. A voice said not quite yet, you still have a bit more time. How long is a bit... to them it was probably the rest my life here.
I cried all day cause i didnt want to be here. I wanted to die and i want to go home. I feel like my human life is a mess. I try so hard to do my best and make a life for myself. But it feels like a roller coaster that i dont get to get off of till my body is dead.
On the other had there are so many things i want to do. Want to see, smell, hear. I want to be apart of it all. Is this my brain trying to keep me alive, or is it that i dont want to die.
Ive exhausted all community mentle health systems. Medications are worse. Ive been on a lot of stuff to know it doesnt help me. But i keep trying and it doesnt work. I wouldn't be suicidal of i could get my life together. But im starting to think it will never be.
Heres my questions.
Am i the only one who feels like death is better than life here on earth as a human?
Do any of you know what home is to you?
How do you become ok with hating this life most times and continuing on even though it feels pointles.
Can you ask me questions too? I need people talk to and suicide lines are bullshit and the hospitals dont help. I have a public psychiatrist and psychologist but the suck to be honest. I cant afford private practice. I want to talk to people not dr's. But its impossible to get an honestly open face to face conversation about issues.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Music to make me actually feel my negative emotions? [removed]
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self.depression
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No, I'm not ok after putting my dog down. I'd rather I was put down than her. It bothers me when people ask me if I'm ok or how I'm holding up, or how I'm feeling. I just took the life of my BEST FRIEND who was sweet, and pure, and wanted nothing but to chew on her bones and make me happy. I know that she's no longer in pain anymore... but she was a better person than I am. I don't deserve life, I'm a bad person and I hate myself all the time- seeing her smile at me gave me happiness, and now she's gone. She had a huge heart and I feel so empty without her.
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self.depression
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My partner left me Because my depression took over and it changed me and they couldn't handle me anymore. I'm finally getting help for my depression after all these years but this break up happening in the midst of it has made me feel suicidal. I've never felt this hopeless in my life.
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self.depression
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What are your fears and how do they affect your anxiety? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Never thought I'd post on here I always chalked depression up as something that only "truly" mentally ill had. I'm only in my late-twenties but the older I get, I get these horrible feelings of emptiness, low self-worth, and irritability with people, including my own family. I feel like I should be happy. I have a good job, an SO, a house, dog, some money put away, but I always get these negative, sad feelings in my head about my value and things to come. Wish I could just shake things off, but it's hard when they just keep coming back and feel like I have no one to turn to.
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self.depression
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I cant stop thinking about drinking I haven't had anything in a week. Thoughts of alcohol consume me and everything I think about. All I want to do is drink, how do I make this stop? Its been the way I deal with being depressed for years but I want to change I jut don't know how.
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self.depression
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Every day I make a decision To get fucked up or not
Today the decision seems clear get fucked up
But I barely even took off my clothes from Friday night. My shoes are still covered in my vomit. My head and heart hurt and today I don’t feel like taking the high road of self care. I would rather keep self destructing.
The trees look beautiful every time I look at them I think of where I can put my noose.
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self.depression
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I just want to be equal to everyone else. I don't know what to do anymore. I just can't live up to my dreams. I have a really tiny penis and because of that I can't be in a relationship. I hate that no matter what I do or accomplish i can't overcome it.
These last couple of years I made huge changes to myself. I became more confident than I had ever been in my life. I got a great job and a promotion. I got a whole bunch of cool stuff with all this money I made, but it doesn't make me feel any better. No matter what accomplishments I achieve it never makes me feel like I'm any more deserving of living. It doesn't make me not hate myself. It doesn't fix my broken genes.
I can at least take care of my relatives; that's what I told myself. I'll take care of them until they die, but I don't think I can do it. I hope my life insurance policy and my savings can last them a while. I want peace, but they need me so bad. I'm not a real man I can't handle the pressure. No matter how strong I get its too much.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Manic men mayhem Hey guys I was wondering if some of the men on this sub-or women who have experience with a bipolar man-could tell me the signs, symptoms etc when you’re manic and also when you’re depressed. I know my own symptoms but I also know men show symptoms differently so give me all the info you guys got!
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self.bipolar
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I’m not crazy or violent! I know everyone is sharing what I’m sharing but I’m so incredibly mad right now. I am done with this country preaching about their right to own guns and having so many I live in the South, and everyone is a hunter or owns a gun that I know. NRA stickers on the back of jacked up pickups, it’s so annoying and frustrating.
Now that yet another mass shooting happened 5 (!) of my friends have shared the same exact post that the pussification and lack of discipline has led to too many mental illness diagnosis’s and that we should be worried that those that are mentally ill will be getting guns and shooting randomly. Their solution take away guns from mentally ill, lock them away and medicate them!
About that, those I’m friends with are very non violent, I’m a very passive person. I used to get angry easily but I was more likely to take off and go somewhere to cool off. I’ve been bipolar since I was 13, diagnosed at 27, married now for almost 9 years. I’m 31 now in cbt therapy long term, I’m on medication and I’m not a danger to anyone. I’m just a mother and a wife trying to do the best I can.
I am SO DONE with the whole mental illness causes mass shootings! Blame the real cause in my opinion kids that don’t care about anyone that’ll kill because they can. It’s not the mentally ill, don’t blame the weird kids, I was a weird kid who read books at recess and stuck to myself because I have severe anxiety and people are hard to get to know. Just because I am bipolar doesn’t mean I’m going to get a gun and shoot up a church or a school. I don’t want a gun I shot tin cans as a kid, I know gun safety, I was taught by my uncles how to be safe with guns. But I don’t want a gun, I don’t hunt, I don’t want one for safety, I live in a small safe town.
If we are going to talk about gun violence leave the mentally ill out of it until you know for certain that he was in fact diagnosed with it. I’m bipolar, my brother has major depression. My great grandma was undiagnosed bipolar, it’s genetic in our case. There are violent video games blame them, blame parents not disciplining their kids blame who you want but don’t point fingers and make us more ashamed to be sick. I hate sharing my struggles I’ve been told secondhand that it’s an excuse and over diagnosed.
That’s my say in it, I’m so so annoyed about it and I pray that they don’t take away my treatment, or flag my account both instagram, Reddit and Facebook, because I am sick, I don’t post anything bad but with this going on it’s like a witch hunt out to get us that are sick!
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self.bipolar
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Was always the nice guy. Marriage gave me serious bedroom confidence, now I want to explore with others. [removed]
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self.offmychest
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Thank You If it wasn't for you breaking my heart into millions of pieces I don't know if I would be where I am today.
Through all the nights, and the nights yet to come, where my emotions get the best of me and I can't help but feel the crippling sadness. I also feel the growth in my strength.
I have people that love me truly for me. Friends that love me for everything I think I am and even the things I didn't see. I have friends that adore me far more than they ever will you and have admitted that to me. I have grow to see happiness within myself which is something you could never give me. I have my loyalty, while you have none.
I have my whole life ahead of me to make great amazing choices while you are literally off having your life be controlled by her.
I pity you.
Relationships with your signification other are ones of so much give and being told when and where and how to have fun. Since when do people take orders like that from the person that you are suppose to having feelings for and call it love? News flash you don't, it's called abuse. And I won't ever find myself in your shoes.
They say you learn from your mistakes but I also learn from watching others.
You biggest mistakes: Lying to me and to your friends and to yourself and making everyone including yourself believe these lies. You lost a lot of friends, true friends in this process. You lost yourself in this process. You became a different person and many people agree with me on that.
Saying you only wanted a friendship with me afterwards because I said so.
That cut me more than the cheating and the lying. I literally wanted to end everything there for it literally meant all the caring I have given you meant nothing over these years. That you saw me as literally nothing.
I wish I had the emotional strenght to talk to you to say my piece with this but I don't. I know I can't face you and not let my emotions get the best of me. You lost me as a friend who I used to talk with you everyday for 3 years about anything and everything and supported you till the cows came home. You were my friend and you throw it all away with that statement. I hear it everytime I see you.
I don't want to give up because it's not what I do. I don't just leave a friend but you already left me so...
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self.offmychest
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For 2018, we gotta start the year off right!! [deleted]
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self.depression
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Twenty six days left to live. The closer it gets, the more I'll tell you about me and how I ended up here.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Propranolol So I got given propranolol and I'm kind of nervous about it (Ironic, I know) but what has everyone's experiences of it been? Side effects?
Tbh I've been given such a low dosage it probably won't do anything, this is more for when I go back and (hopefully) get put on a higher dose...
Im on 10mg and I think even 40mg would be too little ffs
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self.Anxiety
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am i a fucking mute now? hi everyone, and thank you for clicking. no, seriously, thank you. i've been in this thread several times under many different names, but you know what? screw it. i'm going to post this as me, miranda, because i'm really kind of over the whole anonymity thing.
- JUST SOME BACKGROUND
- as of now, i'm 15 years old. i've been hospitalized in psych wards 9+ times, attempted suicide 4 times, been to rehab once, and now i'm attending a therapeutic school for kids who can't go to regular school. i was molested repeatedly by my grandfather starting (i believe) when i was eight years old. that's definitely where all the shit started. and in case you're wondering; no, he's not in jail; yes, DCFS started an investigation (the cased was closed rather quickly when my memory blanked on me. i only started to remember these events several months ago with the help of regression therapy and recurring nightmares, and even now the memories are blurry, but no less painful). My family kind of pretends that nothing ever happened, that my hypersexuality and fear of men are just random, and that my flashbacks are just all in my imagination. It's the worst. I have nightmares, I masturbate compulsively and am aroused by thoughts of my grandfather and i fantasize about being raped, being a prostitute, and have inserted random objects inside myself since i was eight. the other day i looked back at some poetry that i wrote when i was 10 (the age when i started cutting myself) and it was... explicit, to say the least. sexually graphic. disturbing. violent. there. do i have enough proof that i was abused for you? will you believe me now? WILL ANYONE FUCKING BELIEVE ME?
- THE CURRENT DEAL
- it's getting worse. oh god, it's all getting worse. i'm doing everything i'm supposed to, taking my meds, going to therapy, everything. but honestly, i feel so fucking helpless in my life. i feel like i will amount to nothing but being a worthless whore. did i mention that my grandfather paid me ten dollars a pop to "service" him? did i mention that it was my choice?
- i have a cute, intelligent boyfriend, i'm getting along with my peers, i have everything i want in life.... but i can't take it anymore.
- and since i go to a school for kids who need therapy, there's no shortage of people asking me "how are you" and "what's wrong?" but you know how fucking stupid i am? i want so badly to tell them anything, everything, but i get choked up and i say "i'm good how are you?" or "nothing's wrong" or i just stare at the floor as tears fill my eyes and nothing will come out. am i fucking mute? i want to talk to somebody so freaking bad but i just can't. in my classes, i try to cry as quietly as possible, never say anything when something's wrong. there are people who sit out in the hallway in case anyone needs support, but i can't go to them.
- i'm silent. and i want to make noise, to be seen, but i can't. my mouth won't make the words.
- and you know what? i'm done. i'm done i'm done i'm done i'm done i'm done. i can't sleep. i can't eat. i want nothing more than to just die in my sleep. i can't see any reason to stay around, i'm depressed, angry, i hear voices in my head, and i've got anxiety and ptsd. what is there to live for? "it gets better" they tell me, but i've been waiting EIGHT FUCKING YEARS. I'M SUFFERING. LET ME DIE. PLEASE. please. i don't know what to do. everything is gradually getting worse and worse, and there have been several periods in the past few weeks where i've screamed. loud. i can't control it. i hate myself. i hate my body. sometimes i even become detached from it.
- i can't control anything in my life, not even who gets to enter me. i have no support. i can't talk to my boyfriend because i'm afraid he'll leave me if he knows how miserable i truly am. i can't talk to my dad because he's busy with being a judge. i can't talk to my mother because she's insensitive. my best friend is out of the question because she has a life.
- i can't believe i'm asking reddit for help even though it's brought us little more than spicy memes, trolls, and flamewars.
- so.
THE BARE BONES
- why is sexual abuse so traumatic if i got turned on by it?
- any painless ways of suicide that you think i could try?
- there really is no point is there?
again, thank you for sorting through all my bull. it means quite a bit to me. to all of you with genuine hearts, i really appreciate you. the world needs you. stay strong, even if i don't.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm in a mixed state... Having a fair amount of depressive symptoms with insomnia for over a week is definitely an interesting time...
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self.bipolar
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Feeling an alignment with my current depression, and that of my 8 year old-self. [deleted]
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self.depression
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How long was your longest depression? Mine is 3 months and counting and it’s complete TORTURE
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self.bipolar
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Told a girl i liked her got no reciprocation back. Fuck it I got it off my chest and got nothing back. Oh well time move on and forget about it. No sense wasting time on someone
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self.offmychest
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How do you sleep when you are hypo I lately slep lt 4 hours may a nifht for almost 1 week and I know it’s not healthy , what helped you to sleep ? Sleeping pills ?
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self.bipolar
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will things get better? i don’t have much of a relationship with my dad. my mom works all the time trying to support me and my brothers. i’m not smart, athletic or talented. i just failed a class in college. i also got arrested right after high school. i’ve always been a burden to my mom and i genuinely think life would be easier without me. the only reason i’m holding on is so i don’t put anyone through a tragedy. i don’t know what to do with myself. i tell myself things will get better but i’m so tired and i’m not sure i want to wait any longer.
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self.depression
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I HATE MY SISTER My sis has a dog which is hers she is doing GCSE’s so I have to walk the dog and do her share off the chores because of her excuse for anything. Family walk? I’m studying, Going out? I’m studying she just uses it as a get out of jail card for anything and I get annoyed about it please tell me what to do?????
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self.offmychest
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Want to end it in the next couple months... thinking about a motorcycle trip across US instead. Anyone care to join? Please don't be overbearing, incredibly annoying.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I am tired of trying My only question is, how can you stay positive motivated and have self esteem when none of your efforts have results? When despite of you trying so hard, you go downhill instead?
I would understand somebody having a ratio of success (positive things) / Failure (negative things) of 60/40, 70/30, but not a 10/90 or a 80/20.
If you have previous positive experiences and personal success, things you are proud of yourself, more failure down the road doesnt hurt as much, as somebody with no much success.
My case is the latter, I am sick, tired of trying everything, I feel no proud of myself at all, i have failed at so many things, put too much effort into everything and gotten zero results, how the f***** can I just keep getting up without seeing at least one of those "aha moments" when you say "yes, I did it! ", No i recieve I kick in the ass by life instead.
If life is like this why continuing living? Life will get worse, not better, my parents will die, i will work a job I hate, and just retire as an old lonely man living of a pension, wishing to be death.
I hate life almost as much as i hate myself. Sorry I had to rant somewhere, I know nothing can help me, thank.you for taking the time to read.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Just want to hear from someone feeling the same way. [removed]
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self.depression
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I can't do stuff anymore I used to have phases of depression. They came and went away. But now i'm experiencing a longer phase of depression and I just can't do stuff anymore. One part of me really wants to be productive. But it's like i'm tide up to my bed and I can't move.
All the things I want to do, I can't. Read, write, trying out new things...
I just feel like everything is useless and that I don't really need to do things. But it's becoming a major problem now.
I can't do school work. Not even hobbies.
My mind is filled with emptiness. I never felt so emotionless.
I'm really scared, because it has never been so bad.
I thought the start of a new year could be a fresh new start for me, but turns out it's the opposite.
Now I only think about that the year just started, and how many hard obstacles there are gonna be. Nothing inspires me right now.
I just want to find my way.
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self.depression
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The stress is killing me right now How the hell am I supposed to find happiness in a world where every day I have a reason to be scared/worried?
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self.SuicideWatch
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[X-post r/bipolar] How do I know if I've experienced a mixed episode or an episode with mixed features? Also, what's the difference between this and dysphoric hypomania? Most of the time when I read descriptions they're a bit too extreme for me to relate, but there are some I can relate to. I don't know. And I'm still not sure of the difference between dysphoric hypomania and mixed.
I've described a few different times one week last year:
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**1)**
I didn't spend, but I was motivated to tackle the homework I'd missed while depressed and make up a test.
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I think my predominant emotion was anger, then a bit of depression. I think I was okay or mostly okay when left alone at school but my temper was even shorter and hotter than it usually is and I wanted to smash things on multiple occasions and I did get into a fight with my parents once or twice and break down crying that they didn't understand what it was like to feel this way.
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I had racing thoughts at least one day that week. I'm not sure about the others. That's the only time I've ever had racing thoughts.
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My emotions were also ping ponging a lot for no reason, at least the day I had racing thoughts. I think I observed it to a lesser effect another time (one day) I took Mucinex, but I think that was very close to that week maybe even that weekend. But the most recent time I took it, everything was fine. I dunno.
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I don't know what to think about my experience since I was under a fair amount of stress and just back from spring break that I didn't enjoy as much as I should have because I was still mildly depressed.
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This was also after stopping Effexor after taking it two or three weeks. I was ok on 37.5mg but 75mg seemed to make me more depressed or at least have more suicidal thoughts. I think some were intrusive, though.
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And I had a cold so that sometimes made me feel a bit cloudy or tired. I don't know if the Mucinex had anything to do with it.
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Klonopin did help slow down my thoughts when I finally tried it late that afternoon after it steadily building and feeling like a train was going to derail.
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I've considered the possibility of it being mixed or dysphoric hypomania but for some reason never asked my p-nurse about it. She's told me repeatedly, however, that up isn't always euphoric. It can be irritable and I think impulsive.
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**2)**
It was after spring break and I had a cold and I was taking Mucinex and went to school three or four days that week I can't remember anymore. I've forgotten a lot of details.
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I usually only go twice but I had to make up a test. I was supposed to do it I think Monday or Tuesday but ended up doing it on Thursday? I don't know. I was using emoods by then but I'd just downloaded it like that week or the week before and I wasn't sure how to gauge it or what to write.
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I did have some racing thoughts most noticably on Wednesday. It'd never been like that before or since. It felt like a train speeding up and threatening to derail. I don't remember what I was thinking about but I think I jumped from topic to topic in my head even more than usual (ADHD. I usually think a lot pretty much never stop but I would say it's a normal pace).
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I wondered if it could be the Mucinex because my mood was also going up and down somewhat, like it used to be in high school. Cheerful and optimistic to pessimistic and negative and I just kept wanting to scream and slam doors and break things. I don't usually get this angry anymore- I did when I was younger and possibly had few 'black outs' where I don't remember anything I said or did or very vaguely.
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I also have anxiety but I think that was also ramped up at least when something set it off- I fumbled with my jewelry box and couldn't find a stud earring and I was worried about my cat eating it and it possibly hurting her, even puncturing something.
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I just don't know because my irritabilty and stuff doesn't seem to be as intense as other people describe. My sleep wasn't that bad. I think I may have been a little tired. I've read that the anger is all encompassing. Directed at everyone. But it wasn't really a problem when I was alone or at school. Just with my parents and when I wanted to punch the wall and break my pencil and stuff while taking the test, which admittedly is a bit worse than usual. I did break the pencil. I did fight a lot with my parents, more than usual.
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&nbsp;
**3)**
I just felt on edge and it was mostly okay at school but people pretty much leave me alone so... idk.
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But at home.... I kept wanting to scream and fight and break things and slam doors. I might also have wanted to cut myself as a way to redirect the anger. I think I did throw a pitcher of lemonade- I don't remember if it was at this time or a different time- and I rarely fight with my dad but we got into a pretty bad screaming match and might have nearly come to blows.
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I don't remember if I had racing thoughts the other days but one day I definitely did and it increased in speed until it was definitely uncomfortable and I couldn't focus on my homework and I was in no shape to make up a test. I felt like a train that was about to derail. I don't remember if I emailed my teacher or what but I know I didn't take it that day.
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I took a klonopin or two that I only use for really bad anxiety maybe a couple times a year if that. It helped the thoughts slow down, thank god. I'm not sure what I would have done if it didn't.
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The next day (Thursday) I think I was better, maybe thinking at a normal pace, but still kind of irritable. I did break a pencil or two and wanted to punch the wall when I took my test and I kind of freaked out when I dropped an earring and couldn't find it on my carpet or anywhere because my cat had a tendency to chew and lick anything, sometimes eating them, (she's much better now) and I yelled about it to my mom.
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I think I was back to normal the next day (Friday) or at least Saturday. Is it normal for something like that that to end so abruptly?
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**TLDR: three descriptions of the same week last year. Please read at least the first or second description. I would really appreciate some feedback.**
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self.bipolar
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What are some bizarre anxiety symptoms you experience? Been a lurker for a while but finally reaching out. I have what I think are rather uncommon anxiety symptoms (compared to the classic increased heart rate, nervousness, fear of dying, etc) and I'm just wondering if others have similar experiences.
Some of my symptoms:
* Feeling "fuzzy" and "heavy" (my eyes and limbs in particular)
* Feeling like I'm going to collapse
* Eye movement producing mild headache-like pain
* Feeling like I'm in a bubble (which is probably derealization)
* Nervous butterflies in stomach that come and go in waves
* Mild cold symptoms
What are some of your symptoms that aren't generally talked about? Also, I'm a hypochondriac/have severe health anxiety which obviously exacerbates all of this.
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self.Anxiety
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I did something and now I’m regretting it So, I was working and checking Facebook to take breaks. There was this thread where people were perpetuating rape culture without even knowing it I think. I tried to explain it but they were just being ignorant and it was making me really upset.
So, I took a half sick day and wrote on my fb page about how I was raped, reported it, and the awful way I was treated. No one knew this except my husband and my dead friend. I’m friends with my mom. The last thing I want to do is talk about it. I just though I would show people what rape culture looks like in real life.
Now I’m having regrets but so many people have seen it that it would be weird for me to delete it now. People have posted that I’m so brave and stuff.
I don’t know if I’m in an episode because that is so not like me to put that out in the public.
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self.bipolar
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Addicted to cutting So I've become addicted to cutting myself over the last few months. Not too sure whether I do it as a cry for help or an emotional outlet or to try and end my life, but it feels good at the time. I suppose I'm hoping I'll cut deep enough one time and bleed to death. Problem is my wrists are now covered in angry scars that look really unattractive. Is anyone else addicted to self harm?
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self.SuicideWatch
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DAE avoid eye contact because it feels like they can see how dead you feel inside? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Anyone else taking medication(s) how does it work for you? [deleted]
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self.depression
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How do i calm myself down when i feel like i’m dying? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I just lost my virginity, and I think I might've contracted something. If it's herpes or anything else incurable, I think I'll kill myself. I'm 20, and I just lost my virginity. I've heard the whole lesson about using protection, but in the moment of heat, the person I was with assured me that they were clean, so I decided to try without. About a week later, I'm having symptoms that are loosely resembling herpes. If it is, i'm going to end it all.
I normally think of myself as at least a somewhat smart person, so I'm upset with myself for having done this, and also just distraught because it seems like I can't catch a fucking break. One moment I'm a virgin, and the next I have a god damn STD. But having a reminder of this stupid decision that i will have to carry around, and that will scare others away for the rest of my life is something that I don't think I can handle, especially after my first time.
I'm getting tested in two days, and I'm praying to God that it's something curable, but if it isn't, I might just end it all.
Edit: I went in to get tested yesterday, and as it turns out, it was just an unusual looking case of tinea. Thank you to everyone who commented on this. I'm still not super happy with myself for what happened, but I can rest a bit easier knowing that soon enough, I can put this entirely in the past.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't know how to cope with reality anymore TL;DR - Everything that could go wrong, does. I am depressed, my family is unsupportive, I just got dumped, and I'm broke.
Really long version: I've struggled with depression as far back as I can remember, and within the last year I developed really bad social anxiety. I had to stop attending classes within the first week and never felt strong enough to go see someone at school about it. I'm now out of work and my bank account is hitting empty. I can't afford a rent contribution for the place I'm staying in for the month of December, and I don't wanna move back home or ask my mom for money.
My mom and my sister are the only family I have any kind of relationship with. My sister is 20 years older than me, and she feels more like a distant aunt than a sibling. I don't know if I've had a single intimate conversation with her in my life. She also does not believe I'm suicidal and has said so to me. I don't want her in my life very much right now. My mom was throughly abused her entire life by her husband and his entire family, and unfortunately, that has given her a really fucked up world view that doesn't mesh well with my own. She is directly responsible for a lot of the issues that my anxiety manifest from, and has been the cause of every single time I've gotten close to attempting suicide. I don't wanna move back in with her.
I don't trust anyone aside from the person I've been dating, and she just broke up with me this week. She is also suicidally depressed, has been mourning the death of her father to cancer, and has to finish her year of massage therapy school or else she'll go into debt, because of not being able to live up to her scholarship. Because she was the only person I trusted, I over relied on her and she's reasonably burnt out right now. She needs to not be with me in order to function right now, and that hurts like hell.
I also have lost my sense of enjoyment pretty much entirely while I'm sober. The depression is just too heavy and the stressors are just too frequent. I've lost my ability to do all my hobbies with any kind of passion, and even something as low effort as watching tv is nearly too much at times.
I reached out to all my old friends and have been hanging out with them the past few days. That's new and healthy. I am planning on going to school Monday and talking to someone there about how I'm doing, but will be under duress from my mom about it and that worries me. Hell, that'll hopefully lead to some more therapy as well, since I need it to be free to go. So I have that going for me, I think.
I'm a pretty self aware guy, and I've been really good at fighting my problems until now. I've never once attempted to kill myself, for example. But now, I'm just tired. And I feel alone, and abandoned, and betrayed. The problem with being a self aware person with depression is that you can fall into the trap of hearing your depression and thinking it's your self awareness. Like you can see through the fog and get to the truth of the matter. As if my ex was a hateful liar who stopped caring about me instead of someone whose just as tired as I am and needs to take care of herself. As if my mom was an abusive monster, instead of a confused and scared woman facing her own life or death battle. Like my friends intentionally never reached out because they're already too burnt out on me to want me back into their lives, not just other university students trying to make their assignments on time.
Every second of every day is taken up by depression and I'm tired of it.
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self.offmychest
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Took 20mins to write and 3hrs to finally post it Existential dread, anxiety, and a dash of depression.
I don't know what to do. I have little ambition on the things society deems valuable. I'm guilted and shamed for enjoying a life of laziness(which is only half true). Therapy only works for people who want too change. I feel like I'm needed to change, FORCED to, but I can't. I see my flaws, I read about them and how to manage them. I just don't have the will power to do so. What does it benefit me for remedying my condition anyway? Great my anxiety is manageable and my depression is a shadow of what it was before. Now what? "Get a life!" huh?(That's what my psychiatrist said during a session) Cause doing things I enjoy devalues my life cause it doesn't benefit anyone. I suppose getting a life means get a job, with that comes meaning and purpose? Yeah, for some people it does give them meaning, and purpose, and maybe an identity. My identity disappeared when I was done high school, or more accurately morphed. In high school I was the sarcastic friend who cared and listened to my friends problems. Usually happy, unambitious, bad to good grades, no social life at home/rarely I'd invite a friend. NOW my identity is...difficult. I don't know if it's my anxiety or depression or just me, but I see life as mundane(and hectic like my thoughts)Everything we do is just to distract us from our mortality. We work ourselves to old age for what? Money, power, respect, items to fill the void in ourselves. We believe in religion to make us hope for a better existence after death. I'm rambling now.
I know what I value. I don't think I ever really could be an Atheist or Nihilist. I'm just sad about myself. I want to WANT TO get better. You almost get addicted to this way of thinking.(you get comfortable hiding from the world and blaming it for all your problems, never being asked to be alive)This is one of the most common thoughts I have, " Am I even ill?" and "can I even get better" I'm afraid it's me now, this dreadful pessimistic scared little loner. I just want it to click already, I'm cured, I'M CURED,but I want it to click because of me. Not because someone else wants something of me. I want to socialize because I want to and not because it's what's best for me. Get a job because I want it NOT because I HAVE TO. Find someone I love and truthfully care for and not just some relationship to have, to be socially accepted by friends and family. (Fuck I sound like a bratty child)
I AM DIFFERENT. I am not perfect, I am cracked but not broken. I'm anxious and lonely. I'm tired and a little jaded.
Social issue with friends is that I have nothing new to talk to them about. (no life)
Social issue with strangers is that I feel the conversation has to be perfect. That I have to be charming and witty and funny. That I won't stack up to the rest. That I'll do something stupid or embarrassing. (Go back to title)
Self esteem and confidence are pretty low. Why? I don't know. Best bet would be childhood.
Finally the worst things that I have are the fear of responsibility(man child)I can't change if I can't take responsibility. I hate criticism and usually take it personally. I can be very defensive to the point of actual anger.
I see a psychiatrist but he doesn't help. Probably doesn't help that he's also like 75 and I'm 22.
Here's also some background about me. Like I said I'm 22yrs old and male. Never really had any interest in a relationship, had a crush here and there but now I'm feeling really inept in love. Never had a real job, I've worked just with family members and I was usually a
laborer(and forced to work). Only have a high school diploma. Not so great family life shitty stepdad, though I'm only still at home cause my mom also suffers from anxiety so she can relate. Oh and I'm overweight can't forget to add that. Lastly I literally just made a Reddit account just to post this and get help.
In conclusion, I'm a lost cause in a world of noise and panic and need help getting back on track, any help would be awesome.
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self.Anxiety
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I feel pessimistic about the future of the world. It keeps demotivating me Hey there
So, uhm. First, to give some context. I managed to get through my depressive episode thanks to support of my amazing friends, aswell as finding something that would give me purpose - Improving this world. Making it a better place. No matter how small of an improvement it would be, I'd find it somewhat noble. It'd give me hope that everything contributes to making a better future ( I still think that, but at the same time it fills me with less... Purpose? Lately )
World is scary right now. Less than in the past, but it is still terrifying. I know I am young, and probably stupid, but I cant, I just cant stop caring about all the suffering happening right now, on top of all manipulation, exploitation. Politicians and other people with power, who have ill intentions keep doing more and more things on a bigger scale, just for personal profit. It is sick. Instead of taking advantages that we have, grow together, fight for better future, they divide, and conquer. I know I sound incredibly weird and cheesy, but that's how I feel. I am not sure how to better put it into words, and I dont want to get political right now
I guess I am scared of world not going into right direction. Scared of all our efforts being in vain. How many lives were lost, or lived in suffering? Way too many. There needs to be something done on a bigger scale, but I am terrified that wont happen. Who would be capable of it? Question like that motivates me to become a politician sometime in the future, but would that influence anything? Will it be too late?
Sorry, it is late, and I am not sure what else I want to get off. Thanks for reading, and have a good day
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self.offmychest
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Please help me I feel that today was a negative tipping point. so many things went wrong today, I actually thought it.
I was never born with a good hand in life (I have ADHD and I'm on the autistic spectrum), and I've tried over my life to avoid situations where I fall into the black hole of despair, and never escape.
Unfortunately, even when you try to plan; things still go wrong. One of the few things that I enjoy (ed) was playing NBA 2K17, and adjusting it so I can win, and not throw my shaky self-confidence in the dumpster. It failed me today, I lost for the first time and don't want to play the game anymore. I also tried to record something for this project I'm working on, and the sound was screwed up; and when everything goes wrong, it hits me in the worst way.
I don't have a job, or have the ability to drive. I'm currently living with my father, even though i'm in my 20s. I "left" college, because it didn't work out. I have no career prospects, no sense of time management, and no real future. The only two things I know how to do well are analyzing football statistics and wasting my parents money. Everything else in life, I find new and exciting ways to fail miserably.
Sorry if I'm yammering, or wasting anybody's time.
I just hope someone out there is listening.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm depressed again and really scared to loose everything Hey guys
I've just realised I've fallen back into hardcore depression for the last too weeks.
Last time lasted for 4 years
I have a job and people to take care of so i can't afford to be like this.
I'm on medication but they don't seem to do much, i was okay with it because all i had was mania and you know how that's like...That is so stupid of me.
So yeah, I feel so bad right now, I called a helpline but it didn't do much good.
It's so slow to change meds here or even to see a psychiatrist, i don't know how i'll cope.
I don't know what to do, i feel so lost.
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self.bipolar
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Physical Symptoms I swear lately I’ve been having a lot of awareness in my jaw and joints that’s making them hurt. My psych said usually anxiety doesn’t manifest in the jaw like I described. It’s very similar feeling to the feeling I have where I can feel very sensitive to my own breathing that it feels terrible. My jaw can hurt and I don’t know what to do with it when I realize, and my hands and shoulder can always have the feeling like they need to be cracked. Anyone else have these specific feelings ?
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self.Anxiety
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How do you guys get over the whole "it's not fair that I'm forever ill" nonsense? I am 28-years old, but I was diagnosed as "bipolar with psychosis) back when I was 18 or 19-years old. Looking back, I do not think that my psychosis was necessarily bad. My perception of colors was just... Very off. And what I mean by that is, things that were blue should not have been blue.
I was on Risperdal but my family believe that it was a misdiagnosis, so I kinda... Thought maybe I was tripping (I always thought I was bipolar in my teens). But I dismissed it as... IDK... Maybe I thought it would make me a special snowflake? You know how teens can be... So I dismissed it as me just being a dumb teenager.
And now I am met with this diagnosis again. And it upsets me. It angers me. I really hate this. It is funny because as a teenager, I was eagerly looking for this diagnosis but as a full fledged adult, I object it and hate it. I think that it is because as an adult, I have so many responsibilities and society expects certain things out of me. And then I must worry about future prospects of marriage (would anyone even want to marry me?) and future children that I so badly want. I am angry and scared of being unfairly judged due to the stigma, even though I am an overwhelmingly nice person. To the point that most people try to take advantage of me because I appear to be a doormat and I am always trying to please everyone and make everyone happy.
So. I guess that I'm just in severe mourning at this lost of "life". That I will always be abnormal. How do I overcome this? Or how did you overcome it? And if you are working on it, please tell me how you're learning to live with your condition or simply coming to terms with this diagnosis?
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self.bipolar
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19M UK - Help me disappear In the near future I will be dead, that's just what is gonna happen so please don’t try to stop me. What i'm looking for is someone to talk to me as i drift off and disappear so I don't feel completely alone.
If there is a better sub to post this please let me know.
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self.SuicideWatch
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There really is no reason for me to stay Think about it. I kill myself. Worst case scenario: hell, eternal punishment, all that jazz. Best case scenario, there is no longer a "me" that can contemplate the nothingness that comes after death. "I" would no longer exist. That sounds like a hell of a deal to me.
I'm only living right now because I know my parents would be devastated if I killed myself. That guilt is what keeps me alive. But what if, like I mentioned earlier, there is no "me" to experience that guilt? No "me" to see/be aware of my parent's anguish? Maybe I'm not making any sense right now.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I killed a friend of mine. English isnt my first language, so sory in advance.
I am 20 years old, i live in a very conservative third world country, i don't mind it since i am a straight male.
i wasn't into religion at all, since i enjoyed a lot of things that's is considered taboo, like alcohol, sex, spending all day on the web...etc.
religion just doesn't make sense to me at all since all these forbidden stuff are allowed in heaven, in paradise there are these rivers of wine, all the sex slaves , no praying or fasting, so it didn't make sense to me why would god allow all this "filth" in heaven, you know?
well, i shared these thoughts to one my friends, whom i known since middle school, he is the most religious friend i know, i told him that i am an atheist now, and i want to enjoy my life here, since i believe there is no afterlife, and i want to enjoy all that heavenly filth here, and his reaction shocked me.
he told my that he is an atheist too, and he never told anyone else about it, since he is scared, and for the last 5 weeks we have been closer than ever, we talk just about everyday, and i was surprised to find out that he became uninterested in Islam after learning so much about it, and that he is gay too, i always thought he was not interested in girls because he is conservative.
he told me about his depression, he can't be himself and come out to his family, he can't leave the country and lead a double life, he told about his suicidal thoughts and how death seems to be a relieve to his situation, but he can't do it, because the aftermath of killing himself would be devastating for his friends and family.
this is all was too much for me to handle, this guy has been my friend for 7 years, he was always nice and friendly to everyone, everybody loves him, especially his parents, he was always an A student, but lately he started to skip classed, and just looks uninterested, he smiles, but it's not his usual smile, you can't tell he is very sad, and it all made sense to me.
he asked me to shoot him in the head, someone murdering him would be perfect, he would be in peace, and his family and loved ones, would at least be in peace in that he didn't take his own life.
the police reported it as a murder and robbery, no one suspects anything, it worked. his funeral was the hardest thing i went through in my life, it was harder than me pulling the trigger, everyone remembers him as that nice kid who always made his family proud, but i can't take it anymore.
it's been a week and i am still very sad, but i felt like i did him a favor, he begged me to do it, and he would've killed himself regardless, he said he would be gone anyways, but this way is better.
i promised him i would take this to my grave, but i want to get it off my chest, at least you're strangers in the net, so it wont hurt.
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self.offmychest
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I have no one Can somebody please help me. I have lost all school friends. I have lost all outside friends. I just want somebody to talk to that will possibly make it better. Somebody please talk to me
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self.depression
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My thoughts on if I should post this or not will change multiple times as I write it. If you see this I guess I stuck it out. [rant] Ive never posted here before but I need to just write this crap out and hopefully find a venting source so people don’t have to hear me rant at them any more. I also want to ask a million and one “does anyone else?” Questions but honestly even if it would do any good I have hundreds of those bumping around in my head like drunk hornets so I’m just gonna not.
I was diagnosed maybe two months ago (with a simultaneous autism diagnosis as the cherry on top) and the first medication we tried f-ed me up until I was the worst I had been in 7 years. I’m now clearing it from my system and some how I feel even worse because I switch from good to bad to beyond numb so quickly I feel like someone is using my brain like a ping pong ball. I’m tired and pissed and frustrated and more tired. My inability to human is making my boyfriends mental health worse as well and I can’t stop hearing my brain say I’m toxic and hurting everyone, which of course adds to the cycle.
I’m so f-Ing tired.
I’m tired of fighting my brain. I’m tired of fighting my chronically ill body. Im tired of nosebleeds and medication and joint swelling and migraines and panic attacks and overstimulation and hallucinations and being broke and having to brush my teeth and my hair every day and crappy food and throwing up and unholy stomach pain and not sleeping and sleeping too much and being scared to sleep because I know I’m going to sleep so long that the minimal time I have that’s good will be gone and of not wanting to shower and of wanting to rip off my skin and of headaches and of realizing I don’t have a single clean fork in the whole damn house and of grocery shopping and thinking “I feel good, I’m gonna do that today!” And then waking up 6 hours later and having a good cry cause it’s gonna be at least a week before I am even up to trying to do things and most of all I’m tired of knowing that opting out isn’t an option. I don’t even want to die I just want rest. Even when I’m manic I’m exhausted. I want to sleep until someone can fix me. I want to sleep until I don’t hurt. I want to sleep until I can’t be tired.
The first time I haven’t been exhausted in the past 12 years was the first week I was on the Zoloft. I functioned, I went outside, I did the dishes, I even cooked real food. And then it started to make the bipolar more apparent. I couldn’t compensate anymore. I had a taste of being healthy and I don’t know if I believe it’s possible to get it back.
I’m really tired. I don’t want to hear “just hang in there!” Or anything of the sort. I don’t need encouragement. I just needed to shout how tired I am into the universe, and I’m tired being guilty for using the people around me to do so at.
So yeah. I’m tired. I’m going to go sleep. Again. See you in 14 non-restorative hours. At least it’s nighttime this time...
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self.bipolar
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There’s just no hope, I’ve completely ruined my life Let me preface this by saying there’s a post of this girl and her girlfriend, both trans, we’re they’re getting an apartment together. I’m trans, but not transitioning right now or possibly ever due to my situation. It’s a huge reason for my mental failings.
I’m twenty percent through my twenties, and I’m not employed. I’m not done with school, and see no real future in the field I’m almost ready to try and enter.
My friend situation is toxic and not helpful. I can’t enter more fulfilling friendships on the fear of being outed. I can’t be outed on the fear of death.
I’ve tried suicide a number of times in the past- hanging has been my go to route for the quick unconsciousness since i can’t access a gun. This is always the reason. I try not to think in black and white, and i do a pretty good job at it, but there’s only two real outcomes for me in life: feigned happiness and moderate “success” with a lot of self-hatred and underlying depression, or being true to myself and dying on the streets in a similar miserable fashion, bemoaning that i was made this way.
I’ve always backed out or been found with the noose because i was too big of a coward and couldn’t bring that pain upon my mother. But, i know she would rather have a dead son than a living daughter, and that transitioning would just cause her shame. As well as not supporting it, she wouldn’t support me as a person any longer. My dad would actually try to kill me.
So, what’s the actual point? I’m not hanging on for anyone else anymore. It seems rather disingenuous to pretend there’s anyone worth living for, I’m definitely not worth it. I’ve lied to people numerous times over the years in an attempt to hide myself. I lied to a counselor for a straight year just to run the clock out.
The last few weeks have been fraught with this thinking, that i should just do it. Hell the last few months I’ve made a plan to just wait a day and see how i feel about it. The next day comes and i still feel the same way. I’ve always been a procrastinator, so i just keep putting it off and putting it off. But it’s reaching a fever pitch now, it’s bubbling just below the surface in everything i do- there’s a twinge of sadness when i see my family on holidays, a bubbling of rage when someone mentions something unsettling, a feeling of finality when i hold my dog.
I’m undesirable, unstable, and unlikeable. Hell, even Reddit has shit on me this week, the one place where i felt i was one of the gang.
There’s just.. nothing in my future or my present that excites me about tomorrow. If i had a gun I’m not sure i would be alive to write this, as hanging takes a bit more work to do effectively. For my height and size i would need about a six foot drop.
Anyways... I don’t have a concrete plan for the action or the tools to do at the moment if you’re wondering. I’ll be alive for today most likely, and even tomorrow. If or when i decide to move on from this world and lay myself to the rest, i won’t give any opportunity be locked back up in the terrible experience of a psychiatric unit. Being in that place has had a severe negative effect on me, i refuse to talk about things in the fear that I’ll be unconstitutionally held against my will for twelve days.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What should I do? This happens to me on a daily basis. Everything is ok, I am calm, I am focused on the day, I am talking to people normally and connecting with them. Then out of nowhere it hits me. The despair. The helplessness. The pain. I feel worthless. I feel scared. I feel anxious. I feel wrong. I think that I am ugly. I think that I am fat. All the negative thoughts start taking over my consciousness. I try to fight back. I say to myself stay. Stay in the moment don't think. I take a deep breathe. The anxiety goes away for a second but comes back again. How can I focus on anything else? How can I be confident when all this is going on in my head. What is happening here and what can I do about it. I meditate 3-4 times a week. I go to gym regularly. I eat healthy. I don't really know where to go from there. Any help is appreciated. Thanks.
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self.depression
|
I’m 14, lost my only friend, and am being crushed from the inside Title.
Just before anyone asks, I am quite an introverted person and never really hang out with anyone. I mostly just stay locked in my room playing video games alone or with other random people. My only sibling who really has looked out for me has recently moved out to college for his first year. I don’t talk to my parents at all about this kind of stuff, they just assume that I’m not the most social person. I also do not use common media apps that teenagers use like snapchat or instagram because I’m sick of all the showing-off and narcicissim on those apps, as well as compromising my privacy.
So last year I witnessed my only friend get bullied at school. It was nothing extreme, mostly just verbal insults at school and on media apps. The only problem was that one of the people against him was someone I was partnered with for a major project at school. I was very worried that speaking out would hurt my relationship with my classmate, thus also hurting the quality of my project (worth about 150 pts), but I also did not want to lose my only friend who I never hung out with much anyway. My parents are usually very demanding of me with school grades so I feared that I would have to either stay silent, or speak out against them, potentially compromising my project as well as rejection from my peers (they never talked to me much anyway, but I was never bullied like others were since I usually would spend my free time helping some of them out with homework in study hall). I ended up staying silent out of sheer peer-pressure, and that’s when it got worse, when I knew I fucked up but it was too late.
My friend started to not talk to me at all, rejecting me every time I would try to talk to him. He can be a very stubborn person sometimes, but I thought that if I could just explain, maybe things could patch up. Turns out, he never gave me the chance. He blocked me on the few messaging apps I used, and never talked to me again, instead hanging out with a group of kids who he must’ve convinced that I was a coward who prefers school grades over friends. They stopped talking to me, and that’s when I started being alone every single fucking day. On the bus to school, at lunch, on the bus back home, during all the classes we shared, everything. He refused to even let me explain myself, and this would persist the rest of the school year.
Fast forward one year, and nothing has changed, except myself. Things I used to enjoy, I would now cast aside. Where I’d expect to feel sadness, anger, anything - I felt nothing. Often times I would lie in bed well over past midnight knowing that I have school tomorrow, thinking how one mistake could screw me over so hard. I would spend the entire summer locked in my room playing computer games, at least there I could find some joy in this god-awful life.
Often times I tell myself that I’m overreacting, that all of this will end when I get out of high school. Then I consider if going to college and getting a degree is really worth it if I have no one to be with along the way. What I am going through is nothing compared to those other awful stories that others have posted here, and I’m very glad that I at least have a decent family that feeds me and provides shelter. Yet sometimes I feel that I take advantage of that, that many other human beings in this world deserve to be in my place instead of me.
Yet, instead of getting help- instead of reaching out towards other people, I just keep everything to myself and figure out how to deal with these problems myself. As a result, I’ve become very good at hiding my feelings and casting them aside. It’s like I’m a completely different person when I face my parents and I’m at school, versus when I am alone in my room at 10 pm thinking to myself how I could’ve done things differently.
P.S. - My parents and my brother are devout Catholics while I am purely agnostic, with a Christian mask in my hand when it’s needed. As much as I despise the church, I can’t help but think, if praying is supposed to help with these kinds of things, why is nothing happening after weeks of doing so?
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self.offmychest
|
Hospital and Psychiatrist Appointment My doctor referred me to a psychiatrist for suspected bipolar a while ago but my appointment isn't until March. Friday night, I had a huge breakdown and had to be taken by ambulance to a hospital. I'm feeling a lot better and they managed to get me and appointment with a psychiatrist today. I'm nervous because I've never been before but I'm looking forward to getting the help I've needed and hopefully getting better.
|
self.bipolar
|
It's my fault I've ruined my own life and its my own fault. Nobody else is to blame and yet I constantly blame others, maybe because I still can't fully accept the fact that it's all my fault. I don't do anything anymore, I've spent the last two days laying in bed for hours on end and not even sleeping, just staring at the ceiling and thinking about whether im going to kill myself and how im going to do it. I love my family but I can't continue, I'm a failure in all respects. I'm talentless and ugly. I'm mean to people and I don't even know why. Sometimes I blame my parents for having me when they were both mentally ill like why the fuck would you want to bring a child into the world that has spent their entire life being ill. Im just so sick of it all. By killing myself I don't want to hurt anybody I just don't want to feel this loneliness that I do on a daily basis. I want to be reincarnated as something better in a better country with better people and for once maybe I'd actually feel as though this pain would and will end
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My strong will to live is being overtaken by my rejection cause depression I've had deep depression cycles all my life, suicidal most of the time, but I've always stopped a few steps before actually going with it because I have a really strong will to live. I want to have kids, and live a long life, but lately I'm just getting really scared. Yesterday I literally took a walk around my work site during break and all I did was contemplate all the different ways to do it, jumping off the top of our dome, or jumping in a screw conveyor, or just jumping in the river. It fucking scared me. I feel like my depression is numbing me to the point of not even being able to fight it off.
|
self.depression
|
Effexor is the worst med yet for me. I need to get off it. I tried going off it. It gave me horrible withdrawals. Now I am back on and it feels awful--I am completely anhedonic. I do not care about things. But I feel myself wanting to care. My SO even said it's the worst med yet. He said it's like I'm a thousand miles away.
Problem is, I can't get an appointment with my pdoc until the very end of January. And they cannot fit me in sooner.
What to do?
|
self.bipolar
|
People you use to love could die right now [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
What if suicide really is your best option? I'm in a really bad place as usual right now. My life is a mess and I know I have no one else to blame but myself for the laundry list of bad decisions I've made. I honestly can't remember the last time I was truly happy and all my friends, even the ones I've known the longest have all dropped me from their lives and carried on, I don't begrudge them for this either. I know I'm just a headache to my family and failure is all I know. I'm 39 and really believe suicide is my best option because let's be honest sometimes you gotta know when to just throw in the towel and quit. I can't handle it anymore. So why not just pack it in and end it? My life is just a horrific joke at this point so suicide really just seems like the right thing to do. It's my right isn't it? They say to think of the people around you, we'll why should I keep suffering just so their not sad?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Mental illness isn’t taken seriously The mentally ill are one of the many oppressed groups in the world, I’m noticing nobody seems to seriously advocate for them. Nobody speaks out when an incident is blamed on mental illness, even when it probably isn’t the the result. It frustrates me, to see a significant position of the world take the blame for a terrorist because it’s just so easy to say “we need more healthcare” than it is to try to fix the things wrong with this ailing country. Sixty years ago it was black peoples, then gays, then Arabs, but now they don’t have the easy out of those with the recent straight white men doing this. So it’s the mentally ill, an unfixable problem because they don’t care about the mentally ill regardless.
|
self.offmychest
|
Does anybody else have an inferiority complex? I used to have a really bad inferiority complex when I was in high school. I barely had any friends in high school, and I was in accelerated (medium level) classes. Also, I was in Precalc senior year, whereas as a Senior, you could either be in Calculus or Precalc. I looked at everyone around me, and everyone was smarter and more socially successful than me. Also, a lot of people I noticed seemed to be good at everything they tried, and many people I noticed were, along with being smart and socially successful, athletically gifted.
Now that I'm a freshman at my university, my inferiority complex has transformed, but is still there. My college has two campuses, and the campus that most of my classes are on has STEM and Business classes. I'm a Business Major. Right now, I always feel inferior to people majoring in STEM for being much smarter than not only me, but pretty much all people Majoring in Business. I haven't come across any STEM Majors that were rude to me or anything, but I still know that their superior intelligence exists. Also, I feel isolated from the Business crowd. Yeah, I talk to the Business Majors sometimes, but as a whole, most people majoring in Business are very social and outgoing people, and I'm not sure if I would fare well in a Business environment.
Does anyone else here deal with an inferiority complex IRL?
|
self.depression
|
Nothing changes it No matter how often I see the people I love and care about, I can never change the deep and painful loneliness in my heart. I am so sad when I wake up and when going to sleep. Another wasted day and nothing brought me joy during it. When depression is gone, you’re just left with the self hatred and numbness.
|
self.offmychest
|
Interesting research about scientists growing bipolar stem cells, and then seeing how they reacted to lithium Nothing crazy exciting. I just found it interesting.
[LINK](http://ucsdnews.ucsd.edu/pressrelease/bipolar_patients_brain_cells_predict_response_to_lithium)
It’s from 2015, so nothing brand new.
|
self.bipolar
|
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