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Subvocalizing. Intrusive thought. Internal dialogue. Racing thoughts. Loud subvocalization. Thought errors. I’ve been doing this my whole life. It gets worse with stress. Actually, when the adrenaline from stress wears off is when it’s the worst. If I talk to my close friends whom I trust, will they think I am crazy? Will they understand? Will they be convinced I am being hounded by demons and lay hands on me and pray? If it doesn’t work will it be my fault because I am holding on to demons? Sorry. Those inner voices again. Are they good are bad? Has anyone decided? Has anyone a story they can share to help me feel better since I’m on the verge of crying? Since I’m new to understanding these rhthyms or cycles, I can’t figure out what phase this is. The mania? Do I need to be careful how I mention this to my doctor? As humbly as I can express this, thanks for advice and words of encouragement if you choose to give it.
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self.bipolar
|
Is ok to hate myself? Finally i realize the problem i have. I fucking hate me so much. I want to live and see the future, but i fucking hate me. I don't think i ever gonna change that, no matter how much i change. I don't like the way i look, talk, think, act, do, or anything about me
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self.depression
|
Depression and anger management I seriously don't know myself anymore. Sometimes stress causes me to lose my temper and say things I end up regretting. This is having a huge impact on every aspect of my life. I've been avoiding friends and family to the point where most have given up trying to contact me at all. At the end of the day, I have no one else to blame but myself.
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self.depression
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Never had a girlfriend, never loved by anyone, feel like I'm treated like a piece of shit by women [deleted]
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self.depression
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I’m scared for my life. I don’t want to take the easy way out. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Went off my meds I've been off my meds for a few months now. Made a huge mistake. I'm not blaming my bipolar for what I did but I know if I would have stayed on my medication I wouldn't have done it. I cheated on my girlfriend. My awesome, amazing, selfless girlfriend. I got drunk and slept with this 19 year old at the bar. I should have saw this coming I was spiralling out of control again and now I've lost someone I truly care about. Whyyyyyy am I like this?! I don't know what to do and I don't even know why I'm posting this I just need to vent and fuck I don't know. I'm going crazy right now.
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self.bipolar
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Both my brother and myself are very much depressed. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I am SO pissed off!!! Angry about health insurance costing me about 20% of my income in he U.S. Angry I cannot keep wondering if there's any hope in sight because right now it feels like there is not. I wonder if the situation can be solved. I can't believe I am thinking of suicide over the course of health insurance but here I am.
Why do so many of my neighbors get health insurance at little to no out-of-pocket costs, while I pay over $12,000 per year? I cannot keep up. I am so tired. So very very tired. Eff all of this.
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self.SuicideWatch
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manic and angry I've been hypomanic for about 4 days and it spiked into mania yesterday, I'm so manic I'm literally so angry right now, my psychiatrist is supposed to call me back but he doesn't and I'm so pissed I want to punch walls. I can't go to the ER because my mother doesn't understand my bipolar and there's no psych service in my hometown. What am I supposed to do? I have no meds to calm me down, I only have seroquel? I'm on 100mg and so far it does a really shit job stabilizing me. I don't know what to do, I feel absolutely awful, I want to rip my skin apart and yell at everyone & when I don't feel like this I feel too restless to stay still and end up cleaning my room, walking, etc. I feel so agitated. I'm also never tired, never hungry, etc.
I had auditory hallucinations the other day too & I'm literally going to kill myself if I become psychotic again
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self.bipolar
|
I love my mum so much After all the shit she went through, she's still a great mum. She raised me all on her own and sacrificed so much just so I could have a happy, peaceful childhood. She always lead by example and did her best to give me a good life.
Sometimes I really want to talk about all the things I'm feeling and thinking. I'm a child of rape, our financial situation hasn't always been great, a bunch of people in our town treat her like crap.
But she just keeps going on like nothing is wrong, like the life we're living is just great for her. I will never be able to measure up to her strength. Sometimes I feel guilty because most of her problems are my fault. I know she'll always carry the baggage of what happened, and that baggage is me.
But I never want her to know I feel this way. She's given up everything to make me happy, so I'm going to keep smiling and doing my best for her because I know that's really all I can do.
I have an appointment with school therapist next week to talk about this in a better way but I really need to let a bit out while I wait.
I just really, really love my mum. Nothing I could ever do or give can show her just how much I love her.
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self.offmychest
|
Therapy doesn't seem to be working... and it's probably my fault? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I get off work in 2 hours, and I’m done. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Help These weeks has been hard for me, how can i struggle one more day? (Sorry my english is bad)
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm still alive. 2 years ago I was in a really bad, dark place and posted to this group. I failed at taking my life after my last post here and while I still deal with depression and chronic illness today, I'm glad I didn't succeed at it. I don't use this profile anymore, but saw an old message from on here when I got on it tonight and thought I would let you guys know I was still around. Anyways, cheers.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
sporadically stumbling through life yeah. im not very good at making rational decisions, planning for the long term, or even making goals that I will stick to. I turn 20 this fall and for the past two years I half-committed myself to community college classes and worked some low end jobs, with the intent that i would be able to start a business with all the free time I had, and looking back my effort and persistence was pretty lackluster.
I had so much goddamn free time and what did I do with it? nothing. I consistently sacrificed the present moment for instant gratification and found myself unable and unwilling to hold back my temporary pleasure seeking urges.
This has led to a meaningless life that desperately needs structure and purpose outside of short term pleasure. I just dont really know where to start. I dont really have friends or a good social life so Im thinking about going to university in the fall? I dont really care anymore and I just need something to do and people that I care about.
I feel so old and out of touch, like I just dont understand the world.
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self.depression
|
Might kill myself after this friday I get less than 6 hours of sleep per day. Been trying to catch up and understand calculus. Long story short I'm an international student and in this other country I'm located people learn more advanced maths at school so at university we essentially started halfway through the "normal" calculus book content. If I fail I lose my scholarship (more like a discount) and my parents can't afford to keep me here. The subject itself is not difficult but I'm struggling with being given so much information at the same time and retaining all of it. I'm worried because I'm far from being a maths genius and tend to make REALLY retarded mistakes (like mistaking operators and forgetting other things) even if I know what to do in a particular problem I WILL mess it up somewhere. I'm so tired of being a failure at everything. I suck at socializing. Now I suck at college. Can't find a job without good social skills or excelling academically. I hate this human life.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My mom is mentally killing me "Here, lemme get my introverted depressed daughter to work with me and never be alone ever"
I NEED MY FUCKING TIME ALONE. I CAN'T DO THIS. I AM SO MENTALLY TIRED
Like is she TRYING to kill me? Because holy shit I can't wake up without thinking about suicide, and I am so mentally tired...
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self.depression
|
What to eat when anxious? When I’m anxious I have no appetite, yet I know I have to eat otherwise the anxiety gets worse. I need tips of what to eat. I go for bland foods like toast, yogurt, Lara bars, bananas, and Asian instant noodles. But I’m getting so sick of those foods! I’m thinking of buying Solent because I just need calories sometimes and I don’t want to eat. Is there anything else like soylent? Ensure is awful... any tips of what you can get eat to get the most protein/energy without a bunch of flavor or effort...think of food that can sound ok to eat when you’re nauseous.
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self.Anxiety
|
Help getting off Saint John's Wort Only just a couple months ago I began taking a Saint John's Wort supplement, rather impulsively, because I was having a bad few days. I knew in the back of my mind that I would feel better if I just continued with my routine of exercise, diet, meditation, good sleep, but I guess because one of my friends was taking it I thought it may help me as well.
Fast forward to today. I got really into nootropics- I was only just very interested in learning. I stumbled upon nootropics from listening to Joe Rogan's podcast. I ordered some common ones. I missed a dose of Saint John's Wort only a couple days ago, and now I feel like absolute hell. I mean I was doing just fine, truthfully, without the SJW. But now I'm really, really, feeling like I need to get off of it. I'm worried that it will take forever for me to feel normal again, but I think I'm just blowing it out of proportion. These ugly patterns that I haven't seen in quite some time are rearing their head and it's very difficult for me. I am going to quit this Saint John's Wort, and supplement with Fish Oil instead.
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self.depression
|
Thoughts on Abilify? Hey all, quick question. I saw my psychiatrist this afternoon and he suggested going on Abilify if my anxiety and paranoia don't subside soon. Just trying to weigh the costs and benefits here. I do really need the anxiety to decrease so I can function at work, but my paranoia isn't *that* bad right now. I'm also already feeling tired, foggy and sluggish, and I know that antipsychotics exacerbates tiredness, fogginess and sluggishness even in small doses.
Anyone here have good experiences with this drug? Bad experiences? Thank you for your input!
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self.bipolar
|
goodbye so i wanna die.
theres not much to say.
i dont feel.
i dont enjoy anything anymore.
well besides when im with this girl, but she dont like to talk on the phone or go outside with me, i have no friends besides her.
im alone
tired of life
idk what to do
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anybody else feels like emotions are ruling their life? I feel like my whole life is being ruled by my emotions. Every day, no matter what I'm doing, my emotions (mostly anxiety) are at the forefront...and I constantly think and am aware of how I feel. I don't know if that's the case with "normal" people but it's so exhausting to feel so much all the time....
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self.Anxiety
|
How the fuck do I go about finding a psychiatrist? Moved to a new city, and I have a new insurance plan. I have this website provided by my insurance that shows me all the doctors in the area that take my insurance. I limited it to only those that are accepting new patients and specialize in psychiatry, yet I've called like a dozen of them and none of them are accepting new patients. Half of the Drs on the site are PSYD or PHD so they can't even prescribe medication. I'm addicted to benzos and fucking miserable, I need an MD so they can prescribe me something to taper off of this stuff. Why does this have to be so difficult. Seriously I've spent hours trying to find someone that can help and all I get is automated messages that tell me to fuck off. I haven't even had a chance to talk to an actual doctor in like a year aside from urgent care and all they will do is talk to me for 5 minutes, take my vitals, and send me away with some hydroxyzine and a $300 bill. Fuck the healthcare system. Everyone gives me shit for self medicating, well I wouldn't be self medicating if I could actually get some professional help. It's not like I can keep my job and function like a normal person when I'm having multiple panic attacks a day, self medicating so far has been my only option.
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self.Anxiety
|
Where is happiness? You know, I was one of the happiest children. I found a way to always enjoy life and have fun and just be happy. But then the words hit. They started with my parents. I was talked down to and treated like shit. I was told that I was worthless and screamed at until tears streamed down my face. I was forced to walk home because I was too pathetic to be in the car anymore. That’s the beginning. The knives that tear deeply into your soul and rip you apart from the inside out. That desperate craving for recognition and admiration that creates the biggest hole in your life. What some people don’t understand about depression, for me at least, is it’s like alcoholism. I’m addicted to my search for happiness. I’m so addicted to the fleeting feeling that I’ll put myself through the intense pain and anguish caused by the people who “love me most” in my life. I will do whatever it takes to get that breath of fresh air, that daily dose of happiness. As I continue to age though, it gets harder to find. The words started at home. Now they’ve spread to my relationships. I’m a dick, jackass, asshole, dumbass, and not worth her time. I always come back though, always. I come back because letting go is foreign. I do my best to love and create something for her that I have been deprived of my entire life. I allow her to stand on my neck so that she can be up in the clouds. I allow everyone to stand on me and crush me just so they can reach up and touch the stars. Meanwhile all I can feel are the rocks and dirt beneath me. Maybe that’s just where I belong. Maybe the verbal abuse is just part of the journey. Maybe this is all I’m meant for. Where is the happiness that seems so easy for others to find. Where has it gone. I’ve lost touch with reality, and happiness is now a stranger to my heart. Where is happiness.
Just my thoughts during this dark, lonely night that is just one of the seven I have every week. Love all of you out there and I hope and pray you stay strong, if not for them, then for you. Good luck.
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self.depression
|
Falling down a hole every day It feels like every day I'm falling further and further into this hole of depression and the lack of internal motivation to try clawing my way out. My sleep routine is completely fucked, I eat like shit, I have no money, I don't get out, and I don't have any real ambitions in life other than to end everything. Not sure how long this will to live will last.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Feeling nothing is awful too I haven't taken anxiety meds in 8 months and now I remember why I hated them. Sure, they help stop constant panic attacks over stupid things, but I really end up feeling like some kind of emotionless robot. It's just nothingness constantly and I don't even know which path of suffering to take anymore.
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self.depression
|
Just a bit of a rant My mother bless her heart does try to understand but she's just a little to old fashioned to get just how serious my illness is. When I've not slept for over 24 and tell her I only want to walk the dog a short distance because my hips acke so much I no I couldn't make our normal walk, it does not help Mr by her going of in a huff out the door swearing about how lazy I'm getting and tell me to just bloody stay home then. I know I should really sit down and explain my illness properly to her but I don't know if that would make it any better and I'm so bad at talking about my illness to people. I really wish she would spend half the time she spends looking up what her aches and pains mean looking up exactly what is bipolar. I love her to bits but I just wish she would understand that I'm not being lazy if I could walk the dog I would walk the dog if I could get up before 3pm I would get up before 3pm. I don't enjoy living like this and I'm finally starting to take the steps to help manage my illness better, but it just annoys the hell out of me that my parents default position when I don't want to do something isn't oh he probably can't because his I'll at the moment . Instead it's oh what a surprise his a lazy bastard
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self.bipolar
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Klonopins and Benzos give me panic attacks. So I took .75 mg of clonazepam and it fucked me up. I could barely stand up and I was on the verge of passing out so I fell to the ground. Every time I take a benzo I get a panic attack. This shit doesn't seem to work for me if it is supposed to suppress panic attacks, and it is really bad like I thought I was dying. What should I do? It's worth mentioning that I got the pills from a family member so they were not prescribed to me. I was also high from smoking weed(which slightly increases my anxiety) when these panic attacks happened. I am also on 10mg Lexapro
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self.Anxiety
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Nothing is affecting me anymore. Don't know what to do Firstly, I'd like to say that I created this account for sole purpose of posting here and opening myself up. I have been using reddit for quite some time, but never posted from original account, for obvious reasons. So yeah..
I am too numb for everything going around me. I am unable to focus on ANYTHING, nothing is affecting me anymore, thinking about dying kinda excites me (I think some part of me wants it too). My mother keeps on reminding me I am good for nothing (well not directly, but this is what she mean most of the time she taunts me). I have often overheard her talking to my dad about how I don't want anything from life, how lazy I am, and stuff. (Judging from my behavior). I am not excited for anything. My excitement for doing things fades away too fast. A lot is going on within family, and I stand numb just hearing things. But how should I tell her its not a choice? How should I tell her that she is one of the biggest reasons of my suffering? I don't know what to do. I cannot afford to go for any professional help (I am a college student, and get a fixed pocket-money on weekly basis).
As I can remember, this has been going on from last 6-7 years. I had been suffering the same earlier, but never understood what exactly was happening to me (I started thinking about ME and the WHYs about 2 years ago). Reading articles and being able to relate to its symptoms, I have come to accept that its depression I have been suffering from.
I don't know what to think anymore. I want this to be over. I want everything to be over!
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self.depression
|
How can i get my parents to understand what I'm going through? My parents have the old school attitude of "pull yourself up by the bootstraps, if you're sick just work through it, and willpower conquers all". So how can I describe how hard it is for me to act like a normal person in terms they would understand? I considered describing it like Sisyphus, pushing a pointless boulder up a hill, only for it to mean nothing in the end, but I feel like the response would just be "you gotta do what you gotta do". By the way, my parents are of the "jesus solves all problems" persuation.
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self.depression
|
I hate everyone who looks out for me I hate it when people look out for my health or my well being. I don't care about myself enough to quit doing drugs (semi responsibly) or lose any weight or eat better food. Hell I haven't been motivated enough to get out of bed before 12 or shower regularly in 6 or so months.
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self.depression
|
Post-Traumatic Cripple with BPD Living In Poverty I live my life in so much pain. Been dealing with the suicidal thoughts since 2nd or 3rd grade, feeling like they're always there, at the back of my mind, voices suddenly coming into the light the moment I'm alone with my thoughts, whispering to me about how I'm worthless and deserve to die, how no one loves me, how everyone around me is waiting for me to finally off myself so that they can finally be happy. Maybe it's the trauma of being abused as a child, or the shame of being blamed for the rape I endured between ages 8 and 11. Maybe I inherited my mom's crazy. All I know is if I'm not doing 1000 things at once, the voices come to me.
The life of poverty I've always lived doesn't help. I've spent my entire life under the fear of this or that getting shut off or someone coming to my parents' door either to shut us off, collect a debt, or serve us with some kind of court papers. As an adult, finally living on my own, I'm barely scraping by. From the years of abuse I'd endured, my knee and my back are absolutely fucked (I'm 22 and get around with a cane. think about that.), so there are a lot of things I can't do, like a lot of standing or walking around. Worst is I've never been able to get these injuries checked out (both because of active efforts by my mother to deny me medical care and because I'm fucking broke), so I can't exactly apply for disability, and as a college student just trying to finish my classes before my Pell Grant gets utterly fucked by the Dump administration, I barely have the time to do the work I can find. Fiancee is a struggling factory worker, currently unemployed but always only just barely able to pay our bills and make child support payments.
This month, I emptied out my bank accounts to pay rent.... and only had half as much as we needed. We have naught but $20 in grocery store gift cards to our names and, until I get back to my work study job next year, I don't really see anything coming in for us.
And, to be honest, the voices make it hard to see a point to anything anymore. I know people think I should get help, get into therapy, get on meds and MAKE THE FUCKING VOICES STOP, but with how I grew up, so deeply and constantly in debt, I'd much rather end everything than live in fear life that again. I can't fucking do that shit again. I can't keep fucking living like this, constantly worrying how we'll pay our bills, constantly going without so there's enough for my fiancee when he gets home from his job searches...
He'd be better off without me. No longer wasting money on me, no longer stressing out about triggering my PTSD, no longer dragged into deep pits of depression when he can't help me out of the abyss my BPD brings me to.
he's always deserved better than a lazy, fat whore like me anyway. all i do is smoke weed and cry these days anyhow
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I’ve been facing my anxiety today :) Since I’ve gotten hold of myself, it’s been a pretty tough fight within my own head, going against my own comfort zone
I’ve been exposing myself things that make my anxiety go up
Today I went and did some cardio in the gym to get back into soccer, I went to a market to buy my favorite post workout snacks, and asked a girl out.
She says she really does want to hang out but she’s too busy, either way.
Taking action and facing my anxiety does have its benefits if done right.
But now I just need to relax before going at it again
I’m just happy and tired right now, and hopefully I do get to hangout with that girl though.
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self.Anxiety
|
Moved To New City, Depressed Hey all,
Just moved to San Francisco, used to live here 4 years ago, but moved back home for a couple years for work, and moved out here for a change of pace/work. I've been here for 3 days now, and man I know change is necessary and inevitable but I feel super depressed and just need to air it out.
My apt doesn't allow for cats so I had to leave my cat with my parents, and not having that cat around knowing I'll be without my cat feels poopy. I raised that cat since I was a kitten. I miss my home, my family, my animals.
I've been diagnosed with depression since my early 20s, I'm almost 30, and it feels like I'm on a downward trend emotionally. Just need someone to feel the feels with me.
Thanks for listening.
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self.depression
|
I got obsessed to someone And which made her angry. And i feel shiiit because i made someone angry at me. Now the hard part is i cant talk to say sorry to her. This is the first time i made someone mad at me my whole life, i feel shiiit.
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self.depression
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I realized everytime I go home I get the same shitty thought patterns... I 'work' from home/mom's basement, before I start to work I go on a ride in my mountain bike, my thoughts are not negative at all but I start to feel like my thoughts are not normal or dont feel like it, I start to feel tired of this and hate my life sometimes
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self.depression
|
I AM A COLLEGE GRADUATE! In spite of the odds! I know this may not be spectacular for others, but this is my greatest accomplishment to date. I have been dreaming of this day ever since I was that bright-eyed little girl who would sit on my swing and daydream of what the world had to offer to me. I am not only a college grad, but a first-gen graduate, finishing with a 3.58 GPA and a job lined up AND a grad school candidate!
I finished my B.A. in 3.5 years in spite of...
* Being told my whole life that college was worthless because it is "liberal agenda".
* Growing up poor, with nearly no adult in my life who held a college degree.
* Being told that I would not be able to handle it and would 100% be back in my shitty hometown within a few months.
* Being sexually assaulted 3 weeks into my freshman year of college.
* Not always knowing how I was going to afford the next semester.
* Working full-time.
* Having two friends pass away suddenly and one who tried to commit suicide very recently.
* Being told by an ex-friend and several family members that I had been "brainwashed" and that my accomplishments were null & void because I was no longer this conservative girl who's #1 priority was to be a housewife.
* Having recently ended a 2.5 year relationship with a guy I seriously thought I was going to take to the alter...until I didn't.
I have a long ways to go, but this is such a beautiful moment for me. I've gotten to do something that neither of my parents could do. I am already living some of those dreams I had as a little girl- dreams like living in a cute place, in an area where I get enough sunshine to warm my skin. And I have gotten to blossom into this incredible rose- something that would've been stunted had I stayed in my hometown. And ohmygoodness- I'm not even done yet. I'm only 22. I am so freaking excited to see what life holds for me! AAAAAAAA
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self.offmychest
|
I love cutting myself because it’s so satisfying to see the blood spill out my arm I like to cut myself because it’s so exhilarating to see the blood come out. And when im feeling depressed it makes me happy just to do it. And i love cutting deep to see the skin separate super far. I sometimes even pull it apart. It’s just so satisfying. Blood gushes out but it’s just so exciting for me to see. It used to be me just liking to hurt bunnies to this. I don’t want to go see a therapist or tell my parents because once you tell someone that they’ll always think your like that. For example: let’s say your brother, son,daughter, Mom or whatever. If they told you this and later got help. You’d probably always have a suspicion that they’re still like that. Even if it’s ten years later. I have a story of how i got here but that takes to long to explain. I’m 14 by the way
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self.offmychest
|
I don't know how to meet new people The two true friends I have are from school. I get that I should meet new people but I just don't know where to start. I just feel hopeless. Any suggestions on what I should do?
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self.depression
|
How to stop catastrophizing? Hello all,
I’m looking for some advice on dealing with intrusive thoughts. Today it was over a silly thing, and I can’t seem to calm myself. My daughter went for a sleepover with a friend and they live a ways away from us. It’s about a 45 minute drive. The girl’s mom is a friend of mine and we’ve known each other for several years. We were out together doing some shopping and she was driving and because it’s the holiday season, traffic was busy and chaotic. She’s a good driver but we had a few near misses that didn’t really bother me at the time but once she left with my daughter, I couldn’t seem to stop myself from worrying over them getting into an accident. I even went as far as to look up my state’s DOT and check the cameras on the freeway, and obsessively checking her Facebook messenger to see when the last time she was online. I sent her a silly message about how I wish I’d come along for the sleepover and five agonizing minutes later she replied so I know everything is fine, but honestly, I’d really like to figure out how to skip the step where I panic and go straight to worst case scenario thinking over something so ridiculous.
Any ideas/advice welcome.
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self.Anxiety
|
im ugly and theres nothing I can't do about it [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Not sure who else to talk to I've been talking to this girl for the last 2-3 months and in the last couple of weeks we have met up a few times. On saturday she came to my place and we just chilled and watched netflix and it was the happiest I've ever felt in my entire life. I wake up this morning and all of a sudden she's blocked me on absolutely everything and it's killing me. I just want to die now. She's been such a big part of my life recently and it's heartbreaking for me to think that shes just gone like that with no explanation. I really don't know what to do.
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self.offmychest
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The only thing stopping me from killing myself is the hope to get into college and move away. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Tired of the ups and downs I'll feel okay for a week and then feel shitty again for months. I just want to feel better. I feel so numb and empty. I come home from a hard day at work to no one. No one to talk to about my day. No one that hugs me because they missed me. NO ONE! I just sit by myself everyday and watch tv. I have no energy or desire to do anything. I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. The thought of ending it and no longer feeling anything anymore seems appealing.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Guys, I'm having a bad time. Depression is hard. I posted a few days ago about being afraid because I was feeling hypomania. My fears have come in to fruition and I am now in full swing depression.
I'm super emotional. If a song resonates too much, I'll cry. If my SO says something sweet, I'll cry. If so much of a pin hits the ground, I'll be in tears.
I am so fucking tired. I wake up tired. I go to sleep tired. My eyes are constantly straining and it is so hard.
I'm irritable as all hell. Everything that doesn't make me cry, annoys the living fuck out of me. My dog, whom I love more than anything else in the world, has been annoying the living fuck out of me. I love him so much, but he has some bowel issues that are lining up with depression. He is whining and shaking his crate a ton and it's fucking driving me mad.
I don't feel hunger, but because I've been through this ringer before, I know to feed myself.
I already took a Klonopin last night to calm myself down from bipolar anger, and have I have currently excused myself to the other room from my dog. I can still hear him rattling the crate and whining but at least it's not as bad as being right next to it. It's still pretty fucking agitating. This mixed with the fact that I feel like an inadequate dog mom for not taking him out is killing me.
God this fucking sucks. I kind of want to cry now thinking about how much it sucks. I hate that I feel the need to cry at everything.
My beloved LDR boyfriend is coming to nurse me. He lives 3 hours away and he's coming to nurse both my puppy and me in this terrible episode and I'm so grateful and I'm crying typing it.
I'm having a bad time.
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self.bipolar
|
This is my Eighth Christmas I'm spending alone by myself No FRIENDS or FAMILY. Why am I still alive again?
Edit: Thank you for the comments friends... it really means a lot.
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self.depression
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it's getting really old Crosspost from r/depression because idk where they want it, plus some bonus suicide stuff.
I'm 19 and I still can't drive. Got the permit and practiced but failed twice and lost the motivation, or rather I channelled what limited motivation I had into more basic tasks like waking up every day.
Never had any sort of job. Terrified of applying and interviewing.
Horrible social anxiety that only gets better when my depression gets bad enough to numb it. I was out to eat recently with my family and the stress of ordering my food crushed my mood and my appetite. Like, Jesus fucking Christ, ordering a goddamn burrito??
Broke down and talked to my parent once, and got taken to see a doctor. Got a Zoloft prescription and saw an unhelpful therapist a few times before quitting. The stress of doctors got to me and I lied my way through it and said the pills were working fine. I never felt any different. Eventually saw a different doctor and got switched to Lexapro, but I did the same thing as before. The multiple check-ins drained me and I just wanted to suffer alone.
As a young kid in school I was always told I was smart, one of the brightest, I could go far with my brain. But I'm so lazy, and tired. I nearly flunked senior year in highschool, I'm failing my first semester of college because I'm a laxy piece of shit who doesn't do their work, and definitely losing the scholarship that got me there. Gotta talk to my parent. I live with them but they don't know. Gotta tell them I'm quitting. Didn't know what I wanted to do anyway.
I feel like I've failed both society's and my own expectations for myself, and I can never catch up, I fucked it all up. I'm ashamed, I'm going to be ashamed forever. I don't believe I'll ever be a functional adult.
I feel like I don't know myself. Have you ever taken a personality test? I'm so indecisive, each question is like torture. I don't really have hobbies, I procrastinate on the internet like a Reddit junkie and I sleep. I fucking love sleeping. And I get into arguments with myself. It always ends with I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
I'm miserable but I'm too scared, and too tired to kill myself, but I don't know how to feel like life is worth living.
The desire to die is just a constant running thought in my mind, and when it's not at the forefront it's still there, ready to jump in as soon as I'm not distracted by something else. If I had the access and freedom to kill myself with an inert gas I probably would, but I can't get the materials.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Very Disturbed OK so I came across a video the other night and I can't seem to get it out of my head. I'm not posting said video as it really didn't sit with me well and I would consider myself to be pretty thick skinned when it comes to gore etc. If you really want to watch it search it from the description. I highly advise against it though. Its just pure sickening. I just can't get it out of my head and don't know where to turn really.
OK so I was looking for some porn to watch the other night and I came across a site with what I thought to be fake rape videos. Its a pretty common fetish so I don't want any judgement on that front. I have the utmost respect for women and would slap the shit out of any guy I knew if I found out they had committed rape but at the same time the taboo of fake rape videos does turn me on. It wouldn't be my usual thing but I was pretty bored the other night.
Anyway I came across this site and watched a few videos. I could tell they were fake because the girl always gives in after a while and then its just like any other porn video, moans, grunts the whole shabang. But I clicked on this one video and I swear I'm never looking for anything like that again. I barely watched it and once I realised what was going I turned it off immediately, but I still saw enough.
It seemed to be a snuff video, looked like Russia or something. Two guys had captured this blonde woman and had dragged her into the forest. I could tell something was off but me being the idiot that I am, I continued watching for a bit. They shoved her on the floor. I knew once they cut off her nipple that this was some actual fucked up shit. I stopped watching there but I clicked to the final few seconds of the video and this poor woman was indeed dead from stab wounds. From the description of the video I know these sick fucks had there way.
Its now been three days and I still can't get rid of this sick feeling in my stomach. I've seen the brick video, heck I've seen a lot of snuff videos but of all the shit I regret watching this takes the cake. Again I am not posting the video and please don't search for it . I'm just lost as I can't talk to anyone about it and I can't forget it. I thought nasty shit like that was reserved for the deepest and darkest crevices of the internet.
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self.offmychest
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Anxiety's Getting Better...But Worse...What Do I Do? I have terrible anxiety. Like...*really* bad to the point of passing out or vomiting when it's at its worst.
Some of the worst things are going places unplanned/unprepared, not knowing directions, sleeping during severe storms or something like that, but worst of all is public speaking.
Recently, I did a speech. It was supposed to be a 8 to 12 minute talk on a relatively easy subject. Mentally, I was prepared and okay. In fact, I wasn't even anxious. I had no reason to be - I understood the material, knew most of the people in the class, and my professor is a pretty good friend. Mentally, I was all right. But as soon as I got up there and turned on the projector, my hands began shaking so badly I couldn't hide it from the people in the back of the classroom. My voice was steady, but I felt like I was slurring my speech even though I wasn't, and I everything I said sounded distant and distorted, like I was hearing it through a tunnel. And *gods* my heart was going so hard and so fast that I thought I was going to choke on it. I completed the presentation fine but afterwards I felt like I was going to be sick or pass out. And that rarely happens.
I feel like, mentally, I'm more stable, but physically, my anxiety is getting so much worse. As a kid it was both mental freaking out as well as physical freaking out. They sort of balanced like on a scale. But now, the mental symptoms are minimal so the physical symptoms are *on high blast*. I nearly *did* pass out after the presentation. Luckily I was the last one to go so right after I finished I dipped out of the classroom as fast as I could and just started walking and listened to my music and breathed deep trying to clear my head.
It's getting better, mentally, but physically, it's so much worse. How can I fix this? What do I do? This is going to shit...
If it's any relevance I'm an 18 year old guy in college...
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self.Anxiety
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I wish I had a robot But not just like the “robots” you can find online. Like a real smart, sympathetic robot, one that I can talk to and it would truly understand what I’m saying, it’d be there to comfort me and hold my hand while I cry myself to sleep. It’d be able to give me advice and listen to me when I feel like shit. I want a robot that would act as a friend to me. Since I don’t have any human friends, it’d be better anyway. I wouldn’t have to feel bad about complaining because robots don’t have their own issues that I’d be adding onto.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I need help with friend who is depressed and probably suicidal [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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This post is my last shot at reaching out to someone. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Dating someone with depression, I myself have bipolar. He is struggling, swears it doesn't have to do with me, and that he just wants time alone. I hit a low point today. My SO has been struggling a bit lately, I have noticed it when we are together. This morning he finally said he just wants time alone, but the anxiety in me worries that I did something wrong, which has caused me to hit a BIG low. He said it doesn't have to do with me, but I don't know entirely if I believe him (anxiety again).
I am respecting his decision and told him to contact me when he is ready, but I cannot seem to rebound from this intense low feeling. I just want to cry, mainly because I feel a lack of control. Please help.
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self.bipolar
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Is obsessively researching a pointless, obscure topic a BP thing? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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My dog is the only thing stopping me from doing it. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Interesting weekend full of death On thursday a friend of mine died. Friday I had all the intention to kill myself jumping in front of a car - clearly I couldn't -. Saturday I went to her funeral, it was quite shocking watching all her family and close friends reunited and suffering. And today I went to a children's play about death and afterlife. Guess I'll get drunk tonight just to put and end to this week. Maybe this thursday I'll be getting a tattoo: "The ride does not require an explanation - just occupants". Last month I got one which says: "I'm a human being goddamit, my life has value". First time I actually invest some money on myself. Cheers guys
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self.depression
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I might have just let a child kidnapper escape. I just got off work from my job as a grocery bagger at HyVee. While I was working, I had this one customer who stood out. He had a boy with him who was sitting inside the cart. Both their clothes looked like they were just bought at goodwill, and the man's voice sounded like a stereotypical criminal from movies. He literally sounded like one of the robbers from home alone. I instantly found the man suspicious, but I figured that it was just a baseless hunch. But then I noticed the interaction between the two: the boy was distracted by a mobile game and the man kept on telling him to move to make room for the groceries. The kid clearly wasn't happy about it, but said nothing and obeyed. And the man always referred to him as "kid". Not son, or nephew, or by his name, but always just "kid". The man clearly controlled the boy through the ipad and his words, keeping the boy distracted and obedient to what he says even if if takes him a few times to say it due to the boy resisting. And then as I put the groceries in the cart, I noticed the boy's smell. He reeked. It was like he hadn't showered in weeks. The only thing that my imagination could explain this situation with is that the man kidnapped the kid and took him into the store to keep an eye on him, using mobile games and already set up silent obedience to get him under his control. Unfortunately, my imagination did not come up with the idea to say something like "oh being a father is hard", that could have made the kid say that the man wasn't his father, my imagination only thought of asking why he called the boy "kid". But my hunch was probably wrong; I live in a very low-crime area, after all. By the time I realized what I should have done the man was gone, leaving me alone with my thoughts.
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self.offmychest
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No one can get to your level I can't say this to my friends without hurting them. I have amazing friends, im surrounded by wonderful and caring people. But none of them can be as nice as you were. No one will ever be a better company than you.
You were my best friend, you were my lover. You are the queen of my heart, a dead queen still ocuppying the throne. I tried to get you out of it, I let the doors open for anyone to come and steal your place but no one has managed to.
I've met so many cool people in the past 3 years, I have done so many different things! I wish I could tell you all of it. Wish we could laugh together again. My laughter was never the same without yours.
Please get out of my head. Let me enjoy the other people I've met without the memories of you making them look so dull, so empty.
I can even understand and quote heathcliff, say that the entire world is a recollection of memoranda that you did exist and that I have lost you.
I still love you and my mind is clouded by the pain of loss, I can barely write...
I miss you. I miss you so much.
--
I just read this before posting and thought people might think she literally died. No, she's still alive. She's out there and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. We have missed our shot.
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self.offmychest
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I've been kept away from the one thing I enjoy the most. My escape from the world. The thing that brings me peace for over four months now. Back in August I hurt my shoulders at work. They sent me to some crackpot general physician. He gave me a sling and said to not use it for two weeks. Well there was no improvement so he gave me a steroid and said to wait two more weeks. Still no improvement. Now after insurance approves it, they send me to a specialist who says because I waited too long to see him it had turned into an "itis" of some sort. He gave me physical therapy and an anti-inflammatory.
Here we are 4 months into this and my shoulders still hurt. I haven't been to the gym in months and that is my place to go for happiness, anger release, to get away from the world, ect. You see where I'm going with this.
Well on top of not having that form of release any more I've lost 20lbs. I've been skinny my whole life and fought hard these past 3 years to make gains and I have made some good ones (165lbs up to 218lbs at 12% body fat). They are dwindling away daily. People are starting to come up to me and ask me "what's wrong?" and"why have you lost so much weight?" and tell me "you look small man, what happened?"
It's giving me terrible anxiety and I almost can't take it anymore. The problem is they never did an MRI because the insurance doesn't want to pay for it so I dont even know what's wrong or how long until I can lift again.
This therapy I've been doing for 10 weeks could be just making things worse. THE DOCTOR DOESN'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG. It's eating me alive. I already have bad anxiety and this just makes it worse. It's all I think about. I've even started dreaming about it. It affects my daily moods and how I act toward people. I'm becoming bitter and angry. I just got a $3000.00 USD bonus two days ago and I have another $1300.00 coming to me today from a car I sold awhile back.
None of this even stirs up a little happiness. I juts put it in the bank and act like it doesn't matter. I realize its probably unhealthy to center your life's happiness on one thing but it works for me and it works really really well when I can utilize it. What can I do to take my mind off of it? I can't even go tinker with things or work on my truck because hat requires use of my arms. I can't just sleep it away because I sleep on my side but I can't with my shoulders being hurt. I'm at a complete loss and any info or resources would help tremendously.
TLDR: hurt my shoulders and now I can't lift. It's eating me away on the inside as I and other people watch my gains go down the drain.
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self.Anxiety
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Everyone's so happy it seems and im just trying to find a reason to live sometimes [deleted]
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self.depression
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so many things we were supposed to be doing! [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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What does everyone think of portrayals of people with bipolar disorder in the movies. Ex; Silver linings Playbook, Infinitely Polar Bear
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self.bipolar
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Ways to self treat depression as a Chinese Person I'm a Chinese Canadian. I know this sounds poorly worded and probably racist, but I've been depressed for close to a decade since I was a pre-teen. I never heard anyone even bring up that I was depressed as if it is either the elephant in the room or that they never noticed. I even brought it up once to my mom during a car ride when I was a teen but was just ignored. Then again, she ignores me whenever I say anything that makes her uncomfortable, so I'm not sure if she heard me or not. My grandmother however was depressed and she did bring that up. Due to my paranoid nature and fear of being rejected (even more) I never bring it up anymore. What should I do?
Also, I feel like I'm lucky I even lived this long. I feel like I had a few hundred hours of suicidal thoughts by now and it feels like it's getting worse. It's especially worse now and I'm wondering if there are better self-treatment. I know it's stupid of me to not seek help, but I feel like there is a certain shame (maybe due to my chinese upbringing and how everyone in my family makes life decisions based on that collectivist attitude) associated with the help. If people were to discover I sought help, it would be counter-intuitive.
Tl dr: title
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self.depression
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any other ftm's with anxiety? im super alone and having panic attacks all the time. i just want to hear if anyone else experiences shitty ass fuckin panic attacks as a trans boy. i just need to not feel alone rn.
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self.Anxiety
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Help on finding the source of anxiety and not depending on others? So I'm facing this pressing feeling of anxiety. Right now it's manifesting as worry-fear over my bf not texting me for two days. (he's dealing with a lot of mental health issues atm so that's not a strange/worrying thing). But while that's what my anxiety is attaching to I don't think that's the problem: I think it's got a different cause and is attaching to him not texting me because he's one of the biggest sources of comfort and just really grounding person.
Basically what I'm saying is that I have this pressing, general anxiety that's leading me to have this secondary anxiety because my usual source of comfort is unobtainable at the moment.
I've tried getting support from other friends but it's never quite the same. IDK if it's because I am autistic but I've always had a person who I sort of latch onto as my grounding person. I don't want to be so dependent on another person anymore though. The problem is I don't really know how to do that?
I'm sorry if this is a confusing word soup. I'm really anxious right now and having trouble putting my thoughts together well. What I need is advice on how to not look to another person as my grounding source and ideas for how to find the source of my general anxiety which is the root cause of all of this.
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self.Anxiety
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What do non-depressed people feel like when they take opiates? I have been depressed for a long time but everyone at my work and all my friends think I am happy because I hold it all an and I'm always "happy" around them.
Sometimes my friends have conversations with each other and they don't understand how pain pills are addicting. They say it just makes them sleepy.
For me, pain pills give me energy and they make me feel happy for a short period of time. I don't even have to take a lot of them to feel this way. I know it is a bad habit and I'm trying to quit.
Do they only make me feel super happy because i, most of the time, feel empty as fuck and sad on the inside?
Why doesn't it make them happy and keep them coming back for more ?
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self.depression
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What does it mean for you to have “one of those days”? For example, I’ve (25/F) been able to see some of my patterns over the years. Today I’m having “one of those days.” I could see it coming for a few days now. I️ have slept for most of the last 24 hours. I feel like an elephant is sitting on me. I feel sick. I feel empty inside. That’s the worst part... i just feel nothing and it makes everything look bleak, hopeless or pointless. I called out of work because I could feel the panic stirring at the thought of being trapped there, and I can’t subject my customers or coworkers to my constant crying or a full-on panic attack. I know what happens when I force myself to go to work on days like this... it has cost me jobs in the past when I was untreated.
I can’t get out of bed today. I don’t want to get out of bed. I want to go home to my parents or to a friend’s for comfort, but the thought of driving or leaving my house is exhausting. Probably need another nap now after writing this.
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self.depression
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what Are your craziest sectioning stories? For you Americans 'sectioning' means being put on a mental health ward by law.
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self.bipolar
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Does anyone get nightmares every night and wake up in a panic? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I wonder how much different my life would be if my friends didn't cut me out of their lives Without warning, without reason, I found myself friendless and in a huge state of depression. This experience changed me, I basically had to rebuild myself from the ground up and nobody can tell me that it was easy.
Sometimes I wish I had a close clique of friends, rather than just floating around from group to group. I want to play nerdy shit like D&D. Inside jokes. Shoot the shit with a few beers every Friday. Rather, I spent two years pulling myself together.
Trying in the dating scene but it's really a mess. 98% don't reply, which is expected, but the two girls I went on dates with, the first had a beard (wtf) and the second shaved her eyebrows off in some sort of 'defiance' and I'm not really looking to board the crazy train.
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self.offmychest
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My Mania I just wanted to share what I'm going through.... My doctor has confirmed that I am having a manic episode, and we are making medical changes to hopefully correct it. So it's being managed. I also start therapy back up next week.
I just usually deal with depression instead of mania, so this is fairly new to me. Trying to control it feels like I'm riding a bull. My mind is racing like a cityscape at night, with headlights zooming down the highways leaving streaks o color.
Some of the impulses I am dealing with are being naked outside in the rain, sleeping outside in the hammock. Spending a bunch of money for a going away party I'm having, spending a bunch of money on gifts for people--just because I appreciate them. I really want to cheat on my boyfriend, that seems like a hot fantasy (but not like me at all). I've posted nudes on here, still no regrets there. I want to stay up all night and sleep all day. I want to eat all the foods, but don't want to take the time to do so. I also get the urge to wreck my car while driving, or to cut myself. I don't really know why though.
It all sounds glorious to me, but I know it's such a bad idea to do any of it so it just exhausts me feeling this way and not acting on them.
Please just tell me I'm not alone...
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self.bipolar
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I have depression and today is not a good day.
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self.depression
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The Rational Ending I've been attempting to make a comeback for years, but I'm not even sure what I'd come back to. I was willfully carefree in my 20's, unencumbered by debt or ambition, traveling a bunch, not having much money or caring about much. The world was interesting.
But of course, I was doing that when other, more responsible people were creating a solid foundation on which to have a life beyond youth: getting married, developing a career, etc. I can just imagine how satisfying it is for them now to see that I'm broke and alone at 45. I'm a victim of my own irresponsibility.
I've tried a few times to become a contributing member of society; I went back to school at 35, but didn't finish the degree - still have the debt though, which I can't imagine ever being free of at this point. I always did well on tests and made good first impressions, but have been a consistent disappointment to myself and everybody else.
A few people have suggested over the years that I had ADD, so this year I was desperate enough to try meds. But that seems to have resulted only in a short period (a couple weeks) of frantic activity that was, in retrospect, a parody of productivity. At that time, I also lost the crappy boring job that was keeping me alive, and have not been able to secure another one. It's also when it started to make sense to think about how to make an exit.
Increasingly, the only people who seem convinced that I can possibly do anything for them are debt collectors, and they are very persistent, but very wrong. It's becoming too painful to keep feebly attempting to make some kind - and kind - of positive contribution. I'm at the age where my mental and physical abilities are noticeably deteriorating, and I never had much drive or ambition, even when I was younger and sharper. So my options are to spend the next however many decades being more and more miserable and taking up space and resources, or to make a graceful exit. I resolved to pursue the latter course yesterday, but couldn't go through with it. Fear and the momentary will to live are stronger than I would have thought they'd be. It seems inevitable though now, especially since I'm in a lot of the top categories that don't involve substance abuse or serious mental illness: unemployed, LGBT (specifically "B", which tends to be the most miserable, according to some stats) white guy, between 45 and 59, never married, unstable childhood and adolescence, not religious, living alone.
I think it's a rational choice to end it all when you're reasonably convinced that you have nothing to look forward to but trauma, stress, and alienation. I've been trying for years in lots of ways to find a place in the world and I think there just isn't one. The trajectory I'm on is one in which the anxiety of being alive is taking over all of the moments in my life, making it impossible to enjoy anything.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does Wellbutrin get better? I just hit one week on Wellbutrin (150mg) paired with 150mg of lamictal. I also just quit taking latuda 3 days ago. My doctor told me to continue taking it if I feel I need it, and I think maybe I should if the side effects from Wellbutrin aren't normal. I'm going absolutely nuts, everything makes me cry, I'm picking fights with my boyfriend, I'm having very dark thoughts. I like the energy and focus I feel from my Wellbutrin, I'm hoping things get better, I'm upping my lamictal to 200mg tonight per doctor's orders so hopefully that helps.
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self.bipolar
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Can't sleep ugh So its been 86 hours without sleep. Don't have any meds and the motel tv isn't drowning out the voices. This is frustrating. Going to see the GP on Thursday but can't see my pdoc until next month and therapist next month. I'm lucky CMH put me in a motel for the week beats sleeping on the street. To compound the issue I haven't ate in 40 hours ducking starving
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self.bipolar
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I have to. It's no longer optional. I haven't had any real conversation with my friends for months. Tonight I finally expressed how bad I'm feeling to one of them and everything about that conversation made me feel so much worse. I shouldn't've said anything. I have to die. And it has to be sooner rather than later.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I have the TINIEST and MOST BLUNT knife anyone could ever ask for. So even my suicide is going to be mediocre.
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self.SuicideWatch
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When people give generic answers to your problems.. Anyone else hate when you're venting to someone about your current struggles and all they say back in response is: "hugs~" or "I don't know what to say, but that sucks" my best friend, who also struggles with mental illness, does it everytime I vent and it annoys me and I don't know why. On one hand I know people's words can't fix you or make everything better, but on the other it'd be nice to at least have someone to talk to (who isn't a therapist) that gets it and actually engages with you from time to time.
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self.depression
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Don't talk about it ... I've learned a lot in recent days. I've learned that my nephew is being raised to be an obedient little statist that lies, cheats, and steals. I've learned that 90 days in the basement makes me responsible for my sister's kids and their fuck-ups. I've learned "don't talk about it". Don't talk about killing yourself.
I knew my sister was fucked up and evil. I think I moved into her place KNOWING killing myself there was the only place I could do it, other than on some public street. I wasn't ready to kill myself 3 months ago - now I'm ready.
I hope when they get back from their trip that she finds my body - but I also know she's a sociopath, so she'll probably laugh.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I used to be funny. Does anyone else feel like depression has made them a shell of the person they once were? I spoke with an old friend I hadn't seen in awhile and he was super upbeat and positive and was bringing up old jokes, stories, and other funny things I said back in the day. I was partially happy with how funny all the stuff he was recalling was, but I'm more disappointed that I'm not funny at all anymore. I feel like depression has robbed me of my creativity, energy, and humor. Now I'm just... boring. Any joke I make is just talking about how something is shit and that makes me a huge downer. Not being funny is a huge loss for me, because I quickly learned that once you remove my sense of humor, I'm a really bland, uninteresting person. I miss being funny. I miss having a personality. I miss not being a soulless code producing machine.
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self.depression
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I strongly recommend checking out Thelonious Monk as an artist and human being. I think there are conflicting stories about his diagnosis, which we all know is just a label anyway, but I've never seen anyone put manic energy into their music like Monk.
[Here is a video recording of him with his quartet live](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=qweSlfP6BtI)
Obviously it's long, but check out a little in the beginning. This guy plays with total manic energy and it yet it sounds brilliant. I couldn't believe how much he was letting loose playing the sounds I'd heard just in audio for years. It looks like chaos, but ears familiar with jazz hear the order.
He was known for abandoning comping duties and getting up and dancing around and shit in the middle of other people's solos. As someone who can't stand sitting ever, I know exactly where he's coming from.
He had a tough life being a black jazz artist in the early to mid 20th century, and being mentally ill too. He was inordinately dependent on his wife Nellie. But he could play.
Just watching him play this week has already given me a new language in my own playing, and made me realize I could just let loose too.
I recommend any Monk solo album to get the real feel for how he wanted to sound, unencumbered by a band. I'm listening to Monk Alone: The Complete Columbia Studio Solo Recordings 1962–1968. I also recommend Straight, No Chaser, a documentary film produced by Clint Eastwood. What it lacks in clarity and obvious structure it makes up for in abundance of quality rare recordings of the man. Also, although I haven't read it, the Kelley biography Thelonious Monk: An American Original is supposed to be excellent.
This dude is my new hero, and I hope you check him out.
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self.bipolar
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I love my confidant, brother, and lover Now, he’s not my legitimate blood brother. However, we love each other like family... we’ve known each other since we were in 6th grade. His first words to me were “Wow, you’re beautiful”
He has looked at me like a goddess of a woman ever since he could understand what ‘woman’ was besides his mother... whom of which is basically my twin. My friend and biggest supporter of everything that I feel as though is best for me since i confided in her the first time.
Anyways, my lover, is very aware of me. Aware of my past, present and what our future entails... my past includes various sexual assaults and rapes that I have shoved so deep inside of myself that the trauma doesn’t come out as often as it used to. That being said, this boy still just loves the fuck out of me to no end. Loves my passion to think and feel and to write... he Is calm, intelligent and passionate about everything he loves including his family and himself... even me. In a Christmas gift he made for me, I am to put together a scavenger hunt:
With one Polaroid and 22 prompted photos written in a journal, I am to join his family on a Christmas trip and “find myself.” Find my loves, leave my burden of a family behind, leave my past behind, and look forward to the happiness ahead of me... of us...
This boy is the one thing I know inside and out, love and will take a bullet for, and will unconditionally be by his side even after we both end our physical existences on this planet...
The gift is just extra... the gift is just so much extra love...
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self.offmychest
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Failed Chemical Engineer....no job..no self worth..nothing..just void...feel like killing myself might help i am 27, broken, 2 yrs since Masters in chemical engg. no job no money, people look at me and make me an ideal model for failure, never got settled.
ever sine i was a little child i always was kind hearted, helping and fun loving and hard working with open heart and good feelings, but the people have always used my qualities against me. they always chewed me and used me and spit me out. i worked my ass off to get degrees in chemical engineering, but no one looks at that. everyone just knows i am a no good unemployed dipshit.
Mt gf left me , she wanted...ah money money money ...once she saw my degrees were not turning tinto money, she fled, found another big dick guy to sit on.
now my parents are old, my sisters and everyone is dependent on me. everyone one hopes, oneday i am going to walk in witha paycheck....ah my god...i am in tears as i am writing this. i just don't know whether this day is ever gonna come.
i just can't find a job, i feel i am meant to be unemployed worthless and just beg to make a living
now i just feel, life's really hard ,,,,,it's gruesome...it's un sympathetic. it kills you a slow death ntil you just feel like ur dead but you aren't dead yet.
sometimes i wonder whether god always planned this for me. he planned it well or if it was devil's work!!
anyways where ever i go bad luck , carnage, restlessness follows..
and to all other readers out there, plz read my post at your own risk as i am bad luck...the people who comee in my contact , bad things start to happen...so plz just read my miserable failed story and move on, don't stick around.....h...uu
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Suicide feels like the only option right now Hi everyone, I'm new here and not sure if this is the right place for this, but I feel like I need to vent to someone who listens and understands before stuff gets too much to handle by myself.
I'm 16 years old with heavy anxiety issues and daily thoughts of suicide and hurting myself. I know I'm still young and shouldn't be thinking about these things but I struggle to see a point in living in constant pain and fear. I feel like I've tried everything to stay afloat by now, but nothing seems to help and it's driving me more and more insane by the minute.
I've been low-key suicidal for about a year now, but have never really thought about it seriously until now. I'm not sure what clicked in my head, but it's become a daily thing to fall into these thoughts that are hard as fuck to get rid of. It feels like every minor setback in my life is pulling me closer to actually hurting myself. I've stopped having any hope for a decent future and started counting minutes to the morning I don't get up anymore. I'm scared to die, but even more scared to stay alive and it's getting harder and harder to keep going.
How do you deal with these thoughts, how do you move on from difficult times in your life?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I have a plan. I have everything i need. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
The feeling of isolation... It’s so hard to put into words the feelings, emotions and urges to want to give into giving up... I just don’t see what the point to life is anymore. It’s become this rinse, lather & repeat kind of existence and I never thought I would ever feel like this, but I do. And while I know I have family & friends who care (or supposedly care) I can literally go DAYS without a call, text or some kind of human interaction and almost 100% of the time I’m the person who initiates it. Which just reinforces the thoughts in my head where I sit here an think of just how easy it could be... it use to be feeling guilty that would make me think exiting stage right would upset people & it would... maybe... but now I don’t care any more about “them”, because I feel like if any of them gave a shit, I wouldn’t feel so alone and rejected.
So the why is complicated... I’ve been dealing with various health crap my entire life.. from the mild of dealing with learning disabilities caused by brain damage I was born with, to finding out that my dad had a rare genetic disease which caused his cancer and my parents coming clean when I was 12 and ironically right before I was diagnosed with it myself. Surgery to prevent cancer to surgery which found cancer, to getting poked, prodded & probed between once a year to every few months, to more surgery, more cancer... somewhere in the middle of my mess, my dad died, my world crashed and my mom decided to start smoking again and waste so much money on opiates to not have to deal with the emotional pain of losing my dad. I lost 2 parents that wee early morning, 7 hours before the last semester before I graduated w/ my AA... I worked so hard trying to get it before my dad passed... my dad and I were close... he was my go to for how to deal with shit and now that he’s gone, it’s kinda me going alone... we’ll it wasn’t always but last year my BF tells me the day before that he’s moving out... what?!? No discussions noth8ng just peace out... I’ll try to help if I can... then I figure out how he was able to do it... he took advantage of my trust and my memory because he’d take money out to pay the rent... only I had already paid it... now I’m dealing with the fact that I have cancer w/o a cure and no one cares enough to want to help me or really be there for me... so if I ever get to the point where I can’t live alone they want to put me in an old person home... wtf... I’d rather end shit on my terms and give those assholes in my life who supposedly love me, the finger and let them deal with the fact that I’d rather die free than live ina place that wreaks of disgusting bodily fluids and decay... no thank you... which makes me wonder why I bother doing all this crap to myself when ultimately no one cares if I’m here or not.
I just am so tired of being alone.... tired of fighting and then confused when people tell me not to give up but then flip around and question why I fight so hard... wtf am I suppose to give up & in and just wait to die?!? If so screw that..
Not saying I’m going to do it now... but some days it’s really hard to find a reason to keep fighting ... especially when the ones who supposedly love you could give a rats ass if I’m here or not... I’m just so tired
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I hate those nonblack women who get with black men and then start acting black. Or rather, acting a stereotype of what they think a black woman is (attitude, overuse of slang, acting dumb). I'm not black but I see it a lot where I live. They'll fuck black guys exclusively and put on this weird facade of what they think a black woman is and black women just laugh at them. These are grown women with kids sometimes too. I never understood the point.
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self.offmychest
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life long GAD and social phobia + graduating high school = severe depression anyone else?
|
self.Anxiety
|
It was my birthday a couple days ago. In general it wasn't bad, other than I started and ended the day crying. In between, my ex texted me "happy birthday" triggering a panic attack and a not very kind response (I explained and apologized the next day). I forced myself to go on a Tinder date and we went to a wine tasting where he told me he had a girlfriend in California. Then last minute I met some friends for more drinks, got caught up with an old neighbor that I hadn't seen in almost a year and pissed off my other friends because I wasn't giving them attention. So instead of crashing at my friend's at the end of the night, he ditched me and I took an awkward Uber ride to the old neighbors while I cried the entire way. And I didn't make a cake like I had planned, didn't blow out any candles or make any wishes. But I lived through another year and that's something.
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self.depression
|
I wish I would've lived my life when I still could .....but now my life, my health, is stuck in a spiral which is drawing closer to the final exit. At the beginning of this, I was the only one who was still optimistic about my health. I could, I had made peace and could finally think clear since half a year, I was finally happy, and I didn't think i would fall ill so suddenly and without reason forever.
I kept trying, trying to get to a doctor, to hospitals, I kept being optimistic.
"Next birthday I will be alright again"
"By christmas they will find something"
A second christmas has passed by now.
A second birthday.
last summer was the last time I have seen a doctor, I was at a hospital where they ended up shrugging in confusion, set me to a therapist.
I have been in therapy since then, but my health just keeps declining... not only does my body feel miserable now, but over the past months....
I don't know what to do anymore, I feel trapped in a bad drama that won't end....
So much was planned, I was just starting... I was 18... the most important age, youth...I had just gotten a place in an art school... now I am 20, I only weigh 40kg by now, well, I lost the first 15kg in the first 1-2 months but.... you don't get used to seeing, and feeling this skeleton of a body.
I am in debt, can't do a job, can't even go to school like I always wanted.
Even if someone pops up and finds the cause, being underweight this long sure has taken a toll on my body... my best years went down the drain, I have no real hope left for a successfull career, especially in a field I want. My family wont allow me to keep going to school, as they want me to get a job.
Or what if it ends up being non-treatable? Or maybe I am truly a lost case?
I don't know why this has to happen to me... I don't know what to do anymore.. I feel so helpless and miserable, I just want to get out of here, out of here, somewhere where I don't feel like this anymore, but in this body, on this planet, there seems to be no such place.
I wish I had been less blind in my teeage years before this started, I wish I had done more, gone to other countries, started a career early, seen the things that count when I had the chance.
I always wanted to leave a mark on this world, but now I find myself lost, like a newborn abandoned in the forest, left with no option. No weapon to keep fighting, not even a path I could walk on.
I wish I had lived.
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self.depression
|
Being bipolar is being depressed and lifeless for 2 months, flunking an important exam and being the happiest person on this world the same day. I fucking hate my life but at least I'm finally happy again
|
self.bipolar
|
I hate being fat,ugly,lazy,useless and on top of all of that gay in a Middle Eastern country
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self.depression
|
Ex girlfriend in the mental ward after a failed attempt Not sure what to do, she's getting out tomorrow but I know her, the only reason why she is alive is because of her daughter.
6 30am haven't slept all night
Judge recently favored the father, she's backed up and owes child support, about to lose a job because her car repairs are too much. And to top it off me and her got into a fight because I recently rejected going back out with her because I'm moving out of the state and I know she can't move with me.
Her life isn't getting better. Not sure what to do. Do I call the cops when she gets out? What good is it gonna do to keep watching her if everything in her life gets worse and worse as she can't crawl out of her situation.
Nothing I can do, nothing her family can do, she's been on tons of medications and I know her better then she does. I don't know what to do.
She cut her arms from the forarm. Aparently she can't feel her left pinky anymore.
At first I thought it was attention seeking but I don't think that's it anymore. This is her 3rd attempt since I've know her and usually it involves something involving her daughter.
Thanks for listening maybe it's just rambling I needed to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
From Latuda to Vraylar to now Depakote! Boy just when I thought a week of Vraylar was good, boy was I wrong. It was making my blood sugars rise.
Started Depakote tonight. My dad's on it and side effects are minimal for him. I know everyone is different but by golly I hope the third time is a charm.
I'm curious to hear of your experiences with Depakote.
Thanks in advance!!!
|
self.bipolar
|
what was the weirdest thought that caused you a panic attack? i had anxiety my whole life, but the last episode, that lasted 4 months almost was the worst, it was the worst because i had DPDR for the first time..
here s a list of the weirdest thoughts that caused me panic attacks:
- not knowing where are we going after die.
- wondering if life is meaningless
- when i started having derealization i had panick attacks thinking that Ill completely lose the ability to tell the difference between dream and reality,
- the idea that memories and dreams look kinda like each other.
- memory gets bad with dpdr so i had a few panic attacks thiking i was getting dementia.
im better now, im slowly getting back to normal, and its funny to me seeing how irrational these thoughts are (even though i cant guarantee to myself that i wont get anxiety over the same thoughts again in the future).
so .. what was your weirdest anxious thoughts?
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self.Anxiety
|
"I started to think you were doing it for attention." A friend of mine came to my room this evening, and I was pretty happy to see her. We hadn't seen each other since the week before Christmas, so it was pretty much a good thing. I needed company, but was too afraid to ask for it. I'm so afraid I'll disturb people, or I'll get flaked on, or they'll not be available when I need them the most.
Everything went okay. I told her I had cut on New Year's Eve, and she just told me *"Stop doing it"*. I would have preferred a hug and a *"I'm here"*, but this is okay too... I know she was worried for me, that was why I hesitated to tell her. Also told her not to tell my two other friends (one of them is her sister, the other is their roomie) I was cutting myself.
As we walked towards her bus stop, I told her I felt like an outsider, as if I didn't belong, and that the other two were pulling away while I needed their support. She said they maybe thought I was showing my sadness... for attention. Then, she told me she had thought that too for a while.
That's probably the most hurtful thing I've heard. For attention? Why do people always think that? I was literally on the BRINK of suicide attempt before I went to see a doctor for my depressed mood, and she fucking tells me she started to think I was doing it for attention.
I don't want to hate people. But now, I just feel so enraged. Do I have to put on a fucking fake smile all the time to be taken seriously? I'm so sick of it. I literally want to destroy something right now.
|
self.depression
|
I'm just done, I just feel empty. I've been struggling with several mental health problems since secondary school(UK) so about 10-7 years now and now im just feeling worse and worse. For the longest time out of school i was out of work since i just cant bring myself to do things or even talk to people this also means i dropped out of college due to not being able to force myself out of bed most days, i was just too scared of the people.
now im unemployed living with my dad and my girlfriend of 5 years, she's watched me get worse and worse over the years to the point where its an accomplishment for me to put a shirt on or be awake for longer than 7 hours at a time.
the one thing i do that makes me happy is cooking but i cant deal with stress of professionally doing it and since i have no money coming in at all i cant do it often. all that coupled with having a rat move in recently that keeps getting into our pantry its all starting to just get too much and i just want everything to stop, i want to go to sleep and never wake up. I dont want to live my day to day life anymore i've had enough of it.
All i want is to be a normal person, i want to be able to get a job, work 9-5 move out with my girlfriend not a shut in who is only awake from the hours of 6pm to 1am. I'm just done.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
The depression I coped with and tried to ignore I felt better during early childhood in Croatia. I remember feelings of sadness being with just my mother, while my father was in Canada. But the most important thing is that there was a kind of enjoyment of the present moment, where I appreciate countless unnamed feelings in my perception, and develop a sense of liking by default.
After moving to Canada I lost that. Things were bad at home because my mother couldn't cope with the move, and I was bullied in school. Though I'm not going to focus on what caused the change. The important thing is the change itself. I lost that enjoyment of the present moment and the inner peace I had. Instead, I was constantly thinking, including worry or escapist daydreams. I started spending the vast majority of my free time at home in front of a computer.
My life was full of psychological suffering, both externally inflicted and internal. I could still enjoy things, but that enjoyment was faint and simplistic compared to the early childhood enjoyment. Also, I only enjoyed relatively few things. Maybe the best sign was the lack of liking. But, I had forgotten the childhood state and how much better things could be. This was life.
Looking back at my choices, it's like I was in a kind of tunnel, only doing stuff which I felt I must, like schoolwork, rejecting opportunities because everything seemed bad, and lacking inspiration for doing something different.
But the thing was, despite feeling miserable, I was functioning. I could get good marks in school, and I got a degree.
It seemed like my biggest problem was loneliness, which meant lack of friends. I didn't have someone to talk to on the phone or do stuff with. I didn't even know how to make friends, and after drifting apart from a very few friends I was desperate.
I was burying depression, shutting down emotionally and/or unable to connect with my emotions because they were too painful. Instead I was trying to function in a "rational" thought based way. But even that gets impaired. Decisions become difficult. No choice feels right. There is a lack of creativity which is important for making original plans.
I feel like people failed to understand the depth of the negative states I was in and the profound way in which that impaired me. Even I find this hard to understand. A depressed state provides very bad perspective for understanding, and a better state helps.
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self.depression
|
Spiraling down the drain I'm having a "bad day." I don't know why I'm posting. I just want my life to end. I don't like this world at all. Everyone just puts their problems on me, when I don't really care. I'm such a simple guy. I don't start fights, I'm a nice guy. I get over things quickly, but still, I'm a fucking loser. It's not enough to just chill, I have to work hard. What if I don't want to or can't find a shitty fucking "career." I want to skip this life and go on to nothingness. Goodbye judgemental people, goodbye family problems, goodbye north korea, goodbye child labor, fuck it all, the world can't get their shit together, the world is mean. Who would want to live here? If you become rich you just live in a protected bubble. I want out of this. But I don't want to end my life, my survival instinct is too strong. I can't fucking die by my own hands, I just cant. I'm stuck.. I just sat in the bathroom for 4 hours, I don't know what I'm supposed to do on the Earth. I'm tired of being stuck. Im getting worse... .__. If I put in effort and my life doesn't seem to improve in 10 years, I really will kill myself, because I can't just exist like this
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How do you go on dates? I can safely assume from a long browse on this sub that this is an issue, also with all these dating app around I feel like I'm spending most of my time flirting with girls by chat, then when they want to meet it's one of two things, I either completely ghost them right then and there. Or I get the courage to say sure! And cancel again and again until they get sick of my bullshit. Any tips? I'm seriously lost here.
It's seriously unbelievable to me how terrified I am from dates even though I'm really kind of social and not bad looking. Baa
|
self.Anxiety
|
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