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wanted to be youtube supa star for 10 plus years but too saddened. I am too depressed to do anything, I have no energy at all. Man I am lazy. I wanted to make videos, just some things for a laugh, and maybes be apart of some kind of video contributing community, you know, better than being part of a cult. But I have not done so since Youtube started even though I think about it all the time. Is it because of laziness or depression?
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self.depression
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Hey have you read "I'm no longer suicidal and things are really looking up for me" [xpost r/happy] You might not want to go over there and read it, but if you're feeling really down please consider it.
Someone just like us sharing their recovery.
https://www.reddit.com/r/happy/comments/7aubz4/im_no_longer_suicidal_and_things_are_really/
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self.depression
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I wish I felt nothing. I feel like the weight of the world is on my back. I’m about to flunk out of school. My girl doesn’t love me. My parents are disappointed. I wish I could just be permanently numb.
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self.offmychest
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Nothing. (Poem) An empty shell basking in a pool of negativity, un-disturbed by Its surroundings.
But penetrated from within by the emotions it once contained. A growing void with no end, but a future consisting of both sorrow and pain.
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self.depression
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What'd be your prefered way to die if you died tomorrow? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I can feel my anxiety getting bad like when I was younger. My repetitive behaviors, obsessively writing lists(over and over again), fidgeting/nitpicking and I can’t find relief lately. How do i stop this from turning into depression again? Is there any relief?
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self.Anxiety
|
[TW]? Do the urges to do harmful coping mechanisms go away? I’ve crashed and burned today. Went from feeling really good to just wanting to fall back into the bittersweet embrace of old habits (I’m wondering if I was just in a hypomanic episode or if it was the antidepressant and it just wore off, if it was the antidepressant would I crash still? Is the lamotrigine even doing anything*?). It’s been three years and it still feels like day one. I look better, but I don’t feel it. I’m finally getting help, but I can’t see myself getting truly better. I feel like I’m trapped, forced to pretend like I’m happy and healthy with nothing to stop me. I feel like my struggle to become mentally healthy is a hill that I have to convince myself and others that I’ve gotten over, but it’s still there and I’m still in its shadow.
I feel lost and alone. I know people who’ve went through similar struggles and they’re better. They recovered so quickly and I’m still projecting onto them. It’s just another layer to it. I feel like shit and now I worry about them too because if I haven’t gotten over it, then in my head that means they’re stuck there too, just making me believe they’re ok. Logically this isn’t the case, they’ve been truthful in the past, but I can’t help it.
It’s double frustrating because I gotta be up in 7 hours for a final and my lows make it impossible to sleep - my brain didn’t get the memo that I should want to sleep more when depressed and less when hypomanic, thanks brain. I end up sleeping when I feel good because I’m so sleep deprived and can’t sleep because my brain won’t turn off about how awful everything is.
If I didn’t have this monster looming over me every chance it got I feel like it’d take off some of the intensity. It’s frustrating and tiring and I just wish I never started. You’d think after three years of not doing something I wouldn’t feel like I need to do it to relax or feel ok.
My lows are just getting worse and it’s so scary.
*Edit: My lack of faith in lamotrigine is because I know someone who has BPD and it doesn’t work. Bipolar runs in my family as well (yippy), so I worry about misdiagnosis. Putting a ton of faith in my psychiatrist though. If it doesn’t work it doesn’t work and we’ll figure something else out. I’m just tired of feeling like this. It’s even worse because my highs don’t last very long and they’re just surrounded by depressive episode after depressive episode.
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self.bipolar
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I had my first panic attack and since then I’m not the same [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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So it's my birthday It's my birthday, but I really don't like attention on me. I hate being sung at and especially in public or when I've just woken up. My family sang to me when I woke up basically, and I got a bit angry. I remember saying something like "Please, I really don't like the singing, please stop, it's too early in the morning, I'm serious, please stop." And my mom just had a conversation with me about it and I understand that it means that they love me and want to express it. She told me I swore and yelled, I honestly don't even remember doing that. This is so annoying, especially since it makes me out to be a spoiled brat when in all honesty, I already woke up feeling like shit and, without drinking my coffee, just had a bunch of people sing at me. Again, I know how stupid and bratty it makes me sound. I don't like attention and I don't want attention. To me, my birthday just means that I can legally drink in my province (Ontario, Canada) and that's literally it. I don't find it as much a cause for celebration. I just want to remove my birth date from Facebook and not go out on my birthday at all. I just hate all of the attention because I don't deserve it. I woke up today feeling disgusting and fat. I can't take being sung at when I already feel like shit. I don't know why the fuck I'm typing this. Someone's just going to call me a brat. Maybe I am. I don't fucking know. Fuck me.
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self.depression
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Never gone into the New Year feeling so hopeless [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Relapsed after 13 months clean. Feeling ashamed and like I’m back at square one. Self harm was always something I never saw myself doing but after three years of being diagnosed depression I finally broke down and tried it. I didn’t get very far until my parents noticed and made me stop. I felt so guilty and ashamed of myself so I decided stop cutting for good. Or so I thought. Four days ago I went at it again for the first time in thirteen months and I just feel terrible about it. I have no one to talk to about it and I can’t risk my parents finding out again because it will make them super upset and sad.
I know this whole block of text is very disjointed and unorganized but I just had to get my feelings out there since I really don’t have any friends to share this stuff with without being judged.
I’m sorry.
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self.depression
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So I started sertraline today After years of trying to make myself go back to the doctor to get help, I finally went back and started the long and winding road of finding the right meds that'll make me feel better.
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self.depression
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No antidepressant would work cause of bipolar I always get mania cuss of Ssri.... nothing works,
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self.bipolar
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I've lost it I wear a mask. At least I used too... I wore it for years... I'm tired of wearing a mask.
Yea, I'm gone. Hard to believe, right!? No, not really. Right now you are doing one of two things, either asking what you could have done differently, or be celebrating.
Honestly, you should be celebrating. "Yay! No more having to pretend to like that guy at work!" I get it, I've seen it, you've said it even if you didn't mean to.
For those of you asking what you could have done differently, maybe once asking how I was really doing would have been a great start, maybe it wouldn't have helped, I don't
know, remember that mask I talked about earlier, yeah that.
I loved the work, I begged for it, pleaded for it daily. Work got me through the day with some sort of feeling of accomplishment. I could see most didn't care about that
work, nor did they understand it. I get it, it's fine, "X doing X things" and such. I was never looking for the center of attention or all the praise, although
sometimes it may have seemed that way. I tried to do what I thought was best, sometimes that failed, sometimes it succeeded, in my mind it was never good enough.
Let me explain why, so that you can stop asking that question.
I couldn't stop the racing thoughts. Hour over hour, minute after minute, second after second, my mind raced with all sorts of thoughts. Between my past where I struggled
with my size in middle school, to my academic failures in high school, to my failed relationships, to my failure as a leader in this Air Force, it all came and went in
fleeting moments every day. It wouldn't stop.
Let's be honest, I struggle with my size now but its become a part of me that I can't change so whatever.
Maybe I'm crazy and looking at everything through a fogged lens. If that was the case then I'm damaged goods and something that can't be repaired. Trust me I've thought
of that too. "Maybe everyone actually likes you and you just can't see it?" Well then what good am I if I cannot even feel the warmth of the people around me? I never
felt warmth, honestly I felt cold almost always, yet I like the cold weather, maybe the cold weather and myself were supposed to be together, bury me in snow please.
Whatever the end may hold for me, I go into it knowing that those left behind will be sad, angry and confused. I'm sorry. Please don't blame yourself. I lived some great moments in my life, I really did. I remember the ballgames, I remember the trips to the fireworks store, I remember the lunches at the hospital, I remember sitting and
watching you grow up, I remember it all. My mind has been so muddy and confused for so long, my body hurts, and my spirit is broken. I love you.
I love you. Remember that. Maybe I didn't always show it, maybe I wasn't as appreciative as I should have been, but believe me when I say I was always thankful.
My time has come, this chapter ends here. May tomorrow bring something new, and yesterday be filled with experiences we may never forget.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
[Self Harm] Spiraling out of control.. I posted recently about a cutting episode I had at work about 2 weeks ago. 15 stitches later and I now have to figure out how to hide this giant wound from family during the holidays. 2 inches lower and I would be dead right now.
My girlfriend (fiance) and I have been together for 6 years. We got engaged 3 years ago and it just keeps dragging along. Lately I have been feeling like the reason we aren't married yet is because I am having so many mental issues. We are both girls btw, so our relationship definitely has its highs and lows. I used to think she was the reason I was depressed, she can be very nasty and says some pretty terrible stuff to me. Anyways, since I cut myself 2 weeks ago during a fight with her, she has been pretty freaked out. Over the last 6 years I have hurt myself and broken many things during an episode. I just can't control my emotions. Her ex was also bipolar, so she basically just has the "you need to handle this yourself" attitude about it. She's washed her hands of trying to deal with a crazy person.
I am currently tapering myself off of Cymbalta, which is sending me into a real weird place. Feeling very disconnected, fuzzy, slow... and suicidal. Last night we got into an argument because I was acting "bummed out" and was apparently ruining her evening. I lost it and just got worse and worse. I ended up bolting and running around my neighborhood just to try and silence my brain, (which is telling me "kill yourself, you are worthless, everyone hates you") . Looking like an actual crazy person in my work clothes running while crying. When I came back she was so annoyed with me. Wanted space, kept closing doors in my face and mumbling things under her breath. To me at those moments, that feels like a knife in my chest. I hate feeling like I am being a nuisance to someone, especially after she took that as an opportunity to tell me again that I need to figure myself out or we aren't going to last. I grabbed my keys and just wanted to get out and run away, she stopped me and I then punched myself in the head with my keys until my forehead was bleeding.
I guess I just feel like I am slowly destroying my life. All I want is to be happily married to her, eventually have a child... and just be a happy family. But who wants that with someone who can't control their emotions. I know there are ways to try and lift myself up, but right now I can't seem to focus on anything long enough to try. It's all fuzzy.
I won't be at a psych until Jan. as my insurance changed and will have to wait until then. Merry Christmas to me.
Not sure what I'm looking for here, but its just nice to know there are other people in this world who feel like this. It seems like everyone in my life can't relate whatsoever.
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self.bipolar
|
Does anybody else go through long periods of unemployment due to depression(and anxiety)? Want to vent about it? I can't keep a job to save my life. I've quit all three of my past jobs due to stress and depression and didn't even last at least one year in any of them. The last one was so bad, it drove me to being hospitalized in a psych hospital. The weird part is that the thought of getting a job doesn't even make me "happy", because I can only get hired for the shittiest jobs, where they'll hire anybody with a pulse, because they're just *that* bad. I apply for those, because they don't require interviews which I can never pass thanks to social anxiety and a very unenthusiastic personality. I just can't seem to"fake it" like people keep suggesting. Even when I thought I manage to fake it well enough, I still don't get hired. Well, I don't blame them. I wouldn't want to hire me either. I suck.
People keep telling me to be proud of my B.A and I should, because I worked my ass off for it and I was the youngest one in my entire family to earn it, but how can I when it hasn't helped me find decent employment at all? All I have to show for it is this dumb piece of paper and student debt.
I'm tired of having to live with family who don't even give a damn about me. I'm tired of never having money for anything. I'm tired of seeing people's wealth shoved into my face. I'm tired of having to beg for pity money from my mom. I'm just so tired of all of this.
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self.depression
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I tend to lose all sense of time when I am depressed. I have to fill out these forms to confirm that my absence from school is because of a chronic illness. Part of that is writing down all the dates I have missed class because of my depression. And I have no idea how long I have been absent for. Like I don't know how long it has been since I got ill, it can be one week or a year if you ask me. I had to call my boyfriend and ask him when I first got sick and found out I have been absent for a month. But it really freaks me out because ot's like I have amnesia or something.
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self.bipolar
|
I can’t deal with the pain anymore I am in my late twenties and I have dealt with so much hurt and pain that I just can’t take anymore.
Sexually abused by a family member at 4, 11, and 13
Raped at 14
Sexually assaulted God knows how many times
Physically assaulted at 14, 21, and 28
Relationship after relationship after relationship, all ending in turmoil
Married at 21, divorced at 22
I feel like I can’t do anything right. The only thing I have keeping me here is my daughter. I feel like it it’s 80% how great she’s turned out. I love that little girl but I’m beginning to lose sight of why I’m staying here.
Flashbacks keep me having a healthy relationship. I’m not over it. I still think about my ex and have never hid that. I don’t trust the new guy I’m seeing.
Something happened tonight that struck me to my core. He had his ex over tonight and said she was going through a rough time. I wanted to see him because I had such a good day and wanted to end it on a good note. He told me not to come over and said he was “going through some shit” and told me not to come over ... I should have listened, I should have kept my concern to myself. His ex was there.. he introduced us but she left almost immediately. I feel like if she had nothing to hide, she would have stayed.
Long story short, words were exchanged and I asked what he expected of me, to be upset or what. He practically yes but nothing happened. I asked what he exactly thought of me that I would be upset. That’s when he unleashed everything ... I’m a good person but I’m not ready for a relationship, I’m a manipulative person but I’m not very good at it, I’m emotional and immature, I try too hard to be awkward for attention, I try too hard in general, if I was better I could be geat to be with.
Texting it out sounds so dumb and petty but it hurts. What if he’s right? And still, it hurts so much. It hurts so much that I feel like killing myself. My best friend tried to explain that I didn’t do anything wrong in being upset. I’m just not sure I want to start over anymore. I don’t want to date anymore. Yet being alone is so miserable.
It feels so selfish but I really just don’t want to feel anymore. I can’t take it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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[URGENT HAPPENING RIGHT NOW] I need help with helping some one [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Can't watch movies or tv shows because i can't stop thinking about bad things [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Oh boy, nothing like spending New Year's Eve alone to bring back the depression. I hate being alone. I hate being single. It hurts so much..
Just been moping in front of my computer doing nothing for the past hour or so. God, why does life suck..
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self.depression
|
Is this normal for appointments with psychiatrists? I've been seeing this psychiatrist monthly or bi-monthly since September. When I go to my appointment, I sit down and he asks me how I'm feeling and how the medication is working. I tell him ok and that the medication is doing nothing except killing my sex drive. He looks at me and strokes his chin and coldly says, "hmmm I'll refill it for you and see you in one month." All done, no appointment lasting longer than 2 minutes. Am I just expecting too much from my appointments with my psychiatrist or is this not normal?
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self.depression
|
I just want to disappear I've been struggling with suicidal thoughts since April when I was arrested for a crime I didn't do (charges were later dropped). This traumatic experience has sent me into a spiral of depression that I never recovered from. Actually I should say that I've always struggled with depression since I was 11 but it has got much worse since then.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel like everything's falling apart; I lie to myself and everyone around me about how bad things are. I don't really know what to do anymore, I just needed to tell someone, sorry.
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self.depression
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So I cut myself for the first time the other day... [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Any advice for Explaining my mania/bipolar episodes to my SO? The episodes have caused issues with me blacking out and not being aware of what happens and she's upset because I don't remember them
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self.bipolar
|
I posted the same story yesterday with a lot less detail but i am changing a few things so if it sounds familiar it is [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
First time here hopefully last I'm 26 years old. My life seems to be going nowhere. I live with my parents still and have a lackluster job to say the least. I've had no success since highschool and anything before that was relatively meaningless. I've fallen out of faith with any sort of god and don't really have any good relationships with anyone my friends take advantage of me I don't really bother with trying to date since I'd just hurt them emotionally, I can solemnly say if I knew me if avoid me as well. Every morning I wake up and just wish I hadn't. I have constant anxiety and panic attacks. I'm in so much pain that I have been completely embittered and seeing other people's success and happiness just pissed me off more. The past two years I have been so goddamn pissed off at everything. I wasn't like this before. Not this bad. It's already been established that I lack the motivation to change anything. I could disappear tomorrow and the only people it would effect are other people who don't really matter. I think the thing I hate most is I have no reason to feel this way I don't have some traumatic past. I'm just really really fucking muserable. Slowly but surely working my way to getting the motivation to finally off myself. Maybe one day, sooner than later. Thanks for listening to my problems, though it ain't gonna change a thing.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
There's those moments That just kind of come.
I think I've wasted my life and myself away. While I've been able to repress it, there's just these times when I think, "Can I do anything, really? Is it too late?" I have dreams, but I'm so lost in how to achieve them. I'm slow, I'm always tired, I do nothing. It can be hard to believe I'm more than nothing.
Lot of pills accessible to me at any time. Moments like this, they're tempting.
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self.depression
|
Just received the news that my cousin committed suicide. Now I was just hanging out in my room, listening to music & texting some friends. I decided to turn my music off and then I hear in the living room what could pass as either laughing or crying. Clearly, this sound was coming from my mother.
Eventually it became clear that she was crying. I thought it was just a movie or if she was in an argument with her boyfriend so I walk out to ask what’s going on. Before I get the chance to say anything, my sister, also crying, which is a shocker, tells me “Our cousin just killed himself.” As soon as I heard that.. I don’t even know how to explain it. I was in complete shock. I found it hard to be still, even as I type this, I’m shaking uncontrollably, my chest is hurting & my heart is racing 1000MPH. I’m not crying & I don’t feel any sadness, mainly because I haven’t talked to him in 4 or 5 years.
All that’s going through my mind are the memories I had with him. The biggest one being when we were 12, playing Super Mario in the living room, him getting frustrated with me always dying while we’re laughing. It was an extremely fun night and he seemed like such a happy kid back then.. it’s crazy how much someone can change..
I always knew him and his younger sister as great kids who were kind, fun loving & innocent. But that was just the surface..
I learned their mother was a hopeless addict. Her love for drugs was greater than her love for the kids, thus, she cared more about getting wasted than taking care of them.
Their father was never around. Most of the time, he was cheating on their mother with various women. Which possibly had pushed her into the type of life she lives now.
These things affected them greatly. Both of them turned into drug addicts themselves. My cousin taking xanax, ecstasy, smoking weed, even coke on the side. His younger sister smoking weed almost 24/7. She eventually got caught and was sent off to live with her aunt.
I remember seeing him in high school when I was a sophomore, he was a junior. He’d be going everywhere with his girlfriend who he had a whole lot in common with. They would wear matching super mario shirts & hats, he even made her a dragon ball themed prom proposal. She definitely made him happy. They ended up moving into a house together about 2 hours away.
Eventually, they broke up. The reason being she was cheating on him & left him for the guy she was cheating on him for. I can’t even imagine the pain he felt, especially knowing the life he lived..
Losing a loved one is probably one of the worst ways to start the New Year.. I don’t know how to feel. There’s sympathy in there.. but I’m more frightened than anything.
He committed suicide at his mother’s apartment just an hour ago on his 19th Birthday..
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self.depression
|
I can’t think of a reason to stay alive I don’t really know what to say so I guess I’ll say everything. I’ve been depressed for a long ass time. I was starting to feel better, due to my use of MDMA, but now that’s gone. I’ve been on a downward slope for months. It seems like the only ups I even have are when I’m high, and even then, each high is weaker and weaker. I feel like I’m just about to the end of my rope. Before, when I was feeling suicidal, I would be feeling very intense emotions. I would be crying, shaking, and just generally make a big stink and it would raise attention. Now I’m left feeling nothing but the desire to leave this place. I don’t feel like I need a note or anything and it would be best unexpected, that way it is unstoppable. I know that the internet isn’t a place one should look for a reason to live, but I have nowhere left to turn. I have no one. I might as well just be dead.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Job paranoia through the stratosphere..despite good track record... This will never go away I fear, no matter where I'm employed. Absolutely convinced I'm gone next week after a "corrective" conversation with a manager. Wish I could roll with it and see things objectively and realistically, instead of sinking into worst-case scenario thinking. Oh for a few thousand extra dollars as a safety net...Actually researched an employment attorney for when the time comes-what a terrible way to live..
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self.depression
|
Does anyone else just get tired? Today I reached a breaking point after eating an Oreo out of a packet of Oreos my mom got from the dollar store, I was scared because I've only eaten Oreos bought from Walmart. It sounds so stupid and I'm embarrassed to admit it but like that's the reality I've been living. I have the worst anxiety about food and getting poisoned or having an allergic reaction it's literally obsessive. I obsessively check my throat to make sure it isn't swelling and read and reread the ingredient list on foods before I eat them. Someone will tell me they are allergic to something and then I, myself will avoid that thing because I'm scared I'm allergic to it too. It's really affected my quality of living and it honestly just sucks to be this paranoid and afraid at all times. I don't think people understand, Its not like I get a little nervous, I literally feel like I could possibly be dying multiple times a day. It's so exhausting to feel so petrified pretty much nonstop. Not to mention my anxiety about leaving home because I'm scared I'll be killed. Even going to the grocery store I'll feel such intense anxiety and feel like I'm being followed and I'll inspect everyone around me to see if they look like they would shoot the place up. (Hand position, clothing, you know) just recently I was at a clothing store and there was a nut job in front of us who happened to be talking to himself about how he murdered his wife or something. It seemed like he was on some type of drug maybe but either way that terrified me endlessly. I was already panicky before that happened because it was later at night and I'm already afraid of stores and such. I don't know guys, it's out of my control at this point and I guess I'm just looking for someone to tell me that I'm not crazy and I'm not alone. Sorry for the big wall of text, I just needed to tell somebody who understands.
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self.Anxiety
|
I just want to give up. I have so much rage in me that I don't know what to do with.
Nothing in my life is "good". Nothing at all. I'm dating somebody I like, but don't love, because the person I'm in love with is married and I figure this is as close to that feeling as I'll get now. I hate all my friends. Some are rude and immature, some have crippling anxiety and are selfish, some are terribly insecure and take it out on me with passive aggressive insults and comments. I'm not close with either sibling and they both live at least four hours away. I work for a company who pays me almost minimum wage, despite the fact that I handle clients, have my own office, am pretty damn integral to the daily ongoings - but to them I'm replaceable, because everyone is.
I live at home, because I split with my ex after the second time they threatened to kill themselves in front of me and had to move out right away...and I'm still there. Because I can't afford to live alone, because rent in the city where all my friends and family and job are, is $2000/month. I take home $2077 per month. And I work full time. So even if I got a room mate that's half my money gone; I'd still have to pay for half utilities, half internet, my cell phone bill, my food, and my transportation. The only thing I have going for me is that I don't have any debt. That and my health, I guess, but that feels like it's sliding too. Every year I feel worse, more tired, more achey, like something just isn't right.
I feel slighted by life, constantly on edge, and constantly bitter at other people's lives. I hate everything. Absolutely everything. Thing is, I try really hard not to - I try to look on the bright side, I go out with friends, I make funny posts on Facebook, I work out, I've gone to therapy, I see my family, I try to be grateful for what I have, try to keep my head up because everybody hates a complainer... but Jesus Christ is it ever hard. I feel like giving up most days. Just getting out of bed in the morning is a massive struggle. I feel like there's no point in going on, because life has just gotten worse and worse every year, and I'm honestly afraid of what the future will bring.
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self.offmychest
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Does anyone else feel like they don't "deserve" to have their anxiety? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
i'm 19 and i've got bad workplace anxiety. help me. I started a job- my first one ever- and it's a full time job as a ground handler at the airport. This means I have to greet passengers when they step off the plane and liaise with the cabin crew and my superior officer regarding take-off. I messed up yesterday, in not giving my officer all the information she needed, causing unnecessary inconvenience to other staff there.
She didn't reprimand me or anything, but she did tell me that I have to be aware of certain things in the future. Later, I was doing another flight with a different group of staff, all of whom pretty much disregarded me and were open with the frustration when I didn't know how to do something. Mind you I'm supposed to be on training still and one of them is supposed to be my mentor.
None of them bothered to mentor me and when I was mentored the day before, all that happened was they did all the work and didn't explain anything to me. I just had to watch silently and was expected to learn.
I have really bad social and general anxiety, so the sudden overwhelming feeling of helplessness and shame and humiliation combined with the fact that I'm on a 10-hour night shift is really too much. I just had two mild anxiety attacks where I could do nothing but sob and curl in on myself for half an hour at a time.
My mother tried to tell me that it's just a temporary job and whatnot, but the overwhelming sense of being a failure is really weighing on me to the point where I'm terrified to return to work tonight. I'm still going to go to work, but I'm terrified of messing up again. I don't know how to relieve myself off this stress.
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self.Anxiety
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Are there any meds that can just make me happy [deleted]
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self.depression
|
What is your "hearthstone" for anxiety? During a panic/anxiety attack I've found whipping out my phone and playing "Hearthstone: Heroes of Warcraft" quickly calms my anxiety. I'm not fully sure why but my guess is that it has to do with the quick shift of attention on my anxiety to the game. I completely lose myself playing it and I forget I even had anxiety in the first place. (This is coming from the guy who has fallen off a chair in fetal position onto the floor from a panic attack.)
Does anyone else have an activity they have or do to relieve anxiety the moment it happens? If you do, why do you think it helps you?
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self.Anxiety
|
"I don't know how to punish you" "I don't know how to punish you. I can't hit you, I can't yell at you, I can't leave you. Hurting you just hurts me too because I love you."
I break down in tears when I think about him saying this, because I *deserve* to be hit, or yelled at, or left because of all the times I've lied to him. When he proposed to me, neither of us knew he would end up married to an addict.
This is the 4th(?) time I've relapsed. It was 5 months since the last one, I thought I was doing so well. I have to say no the the cravings every fucking day. But all those successes are unraveled by saying "yes" just once (well, once and then for a couple days after). When he found out (a few days after I'd quit again), he would barely look at me or talk to me, which hurt so much at a time when I was already beating myself up about it.
But what hurt the most was when he told me that he 100% believed I would relapse again after last time. I asked him if he believes still that I will fuck up again and he said yes. Granted, history is on his side. But when the cravings get strong enough that I can't say no for myself, I say no for him. Now I can't do that anymore. He doesn't believe in me.
I don't think he knows how fucking hard it is to believe in myself when the person who supposedly loves me more than anyone doesn't think I can succeed. He may have said he didn't know how to punish me, but that's where he was wrong.
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self.offmychest
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The End? 24yo Male from Australia. Throw away account because I feel like everything is going to come to an end soon. My life the last year and a bit has been horrible, I lost my apprenticeship probably 12months ago, landed up in jail(prison) for 4months while suffering from a break up and being already depressed. Now everything seems to be happening again I have been depressed since probably November and just recently the girl who I thought was the love of my life just ended everything for no real reason, now she has putting a protective order against me and threatened to send me back to jail. I already suffering from anxiety and am really paranoid about leaving my bedroom, I live in a house by myself, I’m not eating properly or feel like my anti depressant medication is doing anything, I’ve talked to mental health and I feel like they don’t want to help, I’m at wits end, I have been having thoughts of suicide again since before Christmas and keep think about what I would write in a suicide letter while I cry alot, I cannot sleep or anything during the night and eventually pass out due the day. I am completely lost and just want to pain and suffering to go away.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Looking for thoughts. Curious if anyone can relate to how I'm feeling? I'm eighteen years old. Just finished my first semester of college. I have my whole life ahead of me and I should be happy but instead all I can focus on is the negatives.
I didn't do great this semester. I finished with a 1.7 GPA which is absolutely horrible. In the past two weeks I've had to put down my dog of ten years as well as broken up with my boyfriend. I feel lonelier than ever and I've felt this way for a while, even before the three aforementioned things. I've become more secluded and isolated and I've lost interest in a lot of the things I used to do simply because I don't care or don't have the motivation to get involved in them anymore. I'm tired of being alone, but I have no desire to go to social gatherings or see most of my friends.
I've also found myself questioning more and more whether or not life is even worth living. We work at a mediocre job we can barely stand for years just to scrape by and then retire when we can't work anymore. It sucks.
I'm hesitant to say that I'm depressed because I don't want to use the term loosely, but I've felt tired often, even when getting a good amount of sleep. I've lost a lot of weight since the start of my freshman year, about twenty pounds, some of which can be attributed to walking around campus perhaps but it's somewhat concerning to me, as I don't partake in any exercise and my diet has not changed aside from experiencing a slight loss of appetite.
I feel pathetic even just writing this because I have nothing to be sad about but I also have no desire to change. I just want to be happy. More than anything I just feel lonely. I don't want to speak to friends or family because most of them don't know I feel this way. I hide it from them but when no one is around it hits me and I can't help but feel overwhelmed by my emotions. I want some way to better understand them and myself
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self.depression
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He cheated and I'm broken. My boyfriend of 6 months cheated on me with my close friend during a time that was already difficult. I've had nightmares about what happened and am still having nightmares about him and her. I have constant anxiety and now I have no self worth because I feel like if I could've been better than her it wouldn't have as crazy as it is. And to make it worse. Her and her friends keep spreading rumours at school I'm going to fight her and getting me in trouble with the school board and she won't even let me move on. How am I supposed to trust anyone anymore? How am I supposed to move on when her and her friends keep doing this? How am I supposed to keep enjoying the things I love doing when the one thing I want to do she is in and reminds me of everything that happened?! I hate them for what they did to me. But I still somehow miss him.
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self.offmychest
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How can I overdose? Hey all, I'm still here for some fucked reason but maybe one day I'll kill my self. Soon hopefully. Anyways I was wondering if any of you could help me work on my suicide plan or give me some info on how to OD correctly.
My current suicide plan is to down all my anti depressants and anxiety meds, flush them down with some pesticides and bleach, and then slit my throat and if I can find the power, stab myself in the heart.
Can anyone offer any tips or improvements? Thanks
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self.SuicideWatch
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Caffeine not working while depressed? Currently very depressed, slamming caffeine like a maniac, and not feeling it at all. My usual caffeine intake is ~40mg a day, and yesterday, over a period of three hours, I downed 400mg and felt nothing. Today, I'm around 305mg, and still nothing.
I know this sounds crazy, but can sufficiently deep depression just kind of...swallow stimulants? Tried googling it, just got results about caffeine causing depression.
Edit: Can't tell if this needs a trigger/drug use flair. Please let me know if that's the case!
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self.bipolar
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Anyone else get pissed off by the ads here? I see the advertisements and all I can think about is that someone is trying to make money off of all our collective pain and suffering. They may be trying to help but I'm so freaking cynical.
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self.depression
|
lately I've realised that I've been shying away from proper relationships with other men. I'm a guy and I feel a strong sense of competition with all other men that I can't seem to shake and that makes me really uncomfortable in their presence. lately I've felt so much more at ease and happy when I'm in the company of only women, or a place with strong female energy.
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self.offmychest
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I’m having a depressive episode right now... someone please talk to me... I was actually feeling okay the last week and a half. I got to see my boyfriend yesterday and that made me so unbelievably happy. But now I’m just so sad and feel so useless and tired, I don’t know what to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Done 6 ECT sessions. Still not feeling any better. I'm kind of losing hope at this point.
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self.depression
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I find myself falling into a relationship once again [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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My mom had an affair with my old soccer coach and it’s effects of our family have driven me to the point of suicidal urges. When I was in middle school (I’m 19 now) I played on a soccer team coached by one of my moms old friends from high school (same high school I graduated from a little over a year ago). From 5th grade to 8th grade she always signed me up on his team specifically . She always called herself his “assistant coach.” My mom doesn’t have very many hobbies or interests, and generally hates anything fun. But for some reason she just fucking loved soccer. Over those years playing on the team, I became friends with the coaches son. He’d come over to my house and we’d playing video games every few weeks. I never disliked my coach, he was pretty cool for the most part.
It wasn’t until 9th or 10th grade that I found out my mom had been sleeping with him. I don’t know when the affair started or ended, but it happened. I was a naïve middle schooler at the time, so the thought never crossed my mind. For as long as I can remember, my parents always butted heads. But around this time I noticed the arguments were more frequent and intense. They were downstairs in the den one night and I couldn’t focus on homework cause of the yelling. Since I was nosy, I sat at the top of the steps and listened to the argument. I can recall my dad saying things like “...Oh really? So you went and got lunch with him on his birthday.... then what happened?!” And something about her getting drunk and sucking his dick. I could hear my mom sobbing the whole time and telling him to keep his voice down so my brother and I wouldn’t hear, but it was clear he didn’t give a fuck. My mom then had the audacity to reply to one of his comments by saying “well why don’t I just drive out to town and meet up with my boyfriend and fuck his brains out.”
I’m in my second year of college still living at home with them and they still fight about it. Well, not a fight, more like a verbal assault on my mom. Basically the whole “IT HAPPENED YEARS AGO” and the response being “IT DOESNT MEAN IT DIDNT HAPPEN.” The more time passed, the worse things got. My dad was going to see a friend in DC one weekend, and he jokingly said, “DCs pretty dangerous you know, this might be the last time you ever see me.” To which my mom said “maybe that’s a good thing.” And after that, my dad shook the whole house screaming at her. That stuck with me. I couldn’t believe my mom could say something like that.
The real kicker is this: my mom left her laptop on the kitchen table while she was at work one day. I opened it to see if I could find any solid proof. Man was this a mistake..... I read Facebook messages between the two. It seemed like they were fantasizing about leaving and starting a new life together. My mom talked about dropping everything to be with him. I was destroyed. I didn’t know my own mother could ever consider abandoning her children and family. I felt empty, I felt like a burden in my moms life that she was waiting for a reason to get rid of.
My dad is a good man, but not a good husband to my mom. They both had really bad upbringings. My moms side has a extensive history of mental illness which has always been apart of her. My dads father was emotionally unavailable and he would often emotionally neglect/abuse his mom, which is how I view my parents marriage. His sister was also stabbed to death in her apartment one night after someone was robbing her when he was in his 20’s (59 now). Life dealt them shitty cards. So you can see why they are bitter people. My dad always talks about his relationship with his father and how much he doesn’t want to be him. But from what he’s described, he’s a lot more like him than he thinks. He’s arrogant, condescending and asocial. Can’t look past his own dick most of the time. I guess him acting like his dad towards my mom and his refusal to recognize his own flaws made my mom feel unloved by him, so she found it somewhere else.
They are still married, but only for financial reasons. Being cause between two bickering adults takes a toll on your self-esteem, libido, and basically anything that has to do with the perception of yourself. I’m super insecure and shy. I feel like no one thinks I’m important.
The older I get, the more similar I am to my dad. It’s something I think about constantly. I don’t want to be like my dad whatsoever. My mom always says things like “don’t grow up like your father and get mad at every little thing.” Those comments really fuck me up, because people who are married are ideally supposed to at least like each other. I’m worried that I’m gonna become my dad when I’m married and my innate personality will drive my wife to cheat on me. This is already evident in my own life. I’ve dated only one girl ever. I was a senior and she was a sophomore. I had never had a girlfriend, and my dad never taught me anything about how to treat women. At first I was gonna hit it and quit it cause I was still a virgin at the time, but she had other plans. We talked for like 2 months before I asked her to be my girlfriend. I was embarrassed by her because of her age and how my friends would make fun of me. So I kept it as secretive as I could. Everyone know we dated, but it was evident it was a mainly one sided relationship. I never showed her off, never posted snapchats/instagrams with her, just tried my best to keep her in the dark. I always fantasized about the day we were to break up just cause of how miserable I was with her. Two days before our one year, she broke up with me. And guess what, I was still miserable, even more so. She told me I treated her like shit, and that I blamed her for all my problems when in reality my biggest enemy is myself.
It’s okay, I hate myself too.
She’s absolutely right. I treated her like shit. I handled that relationship the same way my parents handle theirs. I didn’t recognize this while we were dating. and after thinking about it over and over has made me realize that the way you treat your significant other says a lot about how you view yourself.
I’ve developed horrible anxiety and depression over the last 5 or so years because my parents situation and conflicting inner thoughts. I have seriously been suicidal for the past 6 months. I don’t know how much I can take. Although it’s welcome, I’m not seeking advice, I’m just writing this to drain some of my inner turmoil.
TL;DR
My home is been broken because of my moms actions. My dad has become bitter and depressed. Watching our family deteriorate has made me pessimistic and angry. My biggest fear in life is to end up with a marriage like theirs. All signs point to it happening. So what’s the point in even trying....
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self.SuicideWatch
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Doubt Lioness aggress my doubtful mind
Inherently it wanders getting lost from time to time
Mistaking truth for shadows tangling in twisting vines
Oh lioness aggress my doubtful mind
Warrior pierce my bleeding heart
Its agony for love I fear will tear itself apart
Afraid to face the dim lit mirror eclipsing its own spark
Oh warrior pierce my bleeding heart
Lover understand my reckless ways
After all you taught me it takes light to find the shade
I've wandered all my life to know the solace of your gaze
Oh lover understand my reckless ways
Father please take pride in all my days
It's hard watching you wither while your light remains the same
Our joy is cloaked in sorrow for we all must fade away
Oh father please take pride in all my days
Mother may you cradle me in love
Your voice is soothing like the cooing of a turtle dove
Without you here to guide my gaze turns upward toward the sun
I'm blind when I'm not cradled in your love
Brother may you take me as I am
Never to retreat though at the gates of hell we stand
If ever you should stumble I'll be there at your command
Oh brother may you take me as I am
Sister may I sweeten your bitter tongue
Hosting fiendish ghosts pulling your blooming spirit down
There's nothing to fear floating the rhythm of this song
Oh sister may I sweeten your bitter tongue
Daughter keep a green tree in your heart
A little bird will come and your bright eyes will be besot
And when you let it go it will always wander home
Oh cultivate the green tree in your heart
Little bird make this green tree your nest
Sing the sacred melody that whispers in the wind
Tranquilize equanimity energy within
Oh Little bird make this green tree your nest
Son bask in all life's wonder while you can
One day you'll talk about it but you'll never understand
How all these little treasures used to fit inside your hand
Oh son bask in all life's wonder while you can
John baptise me in God's holy light
Pour over me like Saul shed the scales from my eye
Rendering my soul straightening my crooked spine
Oh John baptise me in God's holy light
Judas betray me with your soft kiss
For thirty silver dollars lead them to my garden bed
I'll love you all the more for you know not what you did
So Judas betray me with your soft kiss
Child may I fuel your growing flame
Youth begins to fade so does our little fire dim
Forgotten beneath bushels stifled both by fear and blame
Oh child may I fuel your growing flame
Our feelings they are waves atop the crest
Crashing on foreign beaches smoothing stones and sifting sand
We gather them in buckets but we still are just a speck
Our feelings they are waves atop to crest
Arctic shard won't you house my lone spark
Steal away the pleasures of the warmth beneath my hearth
Alone without these comforts I will grow to love the dark
Oh Arctic shard please house my lone spark
Once we've walked our paths enough to grow
Perhaps our threads will cross and we will build ourselves a home
We've wandered all our days and through our secret gardens roamed
It's ok to be alone
Earth I will join in your cosmic dance
Flowing through my body the electrostatic transe
Treading murky waters glow your infinite expanse
Oh Earth I will join in your cosmic dance
Cosmos I will thread your rippling swell
Through entropy and agony I will hum the ancient drone
The peak of evolution is loving everything that grows
Oh cosmos I will thread your rippling swell
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self.bipolar
|
What does a mixed episode feel like? Can there be different degrees, like mild to severe? Is it like a bit anxious and frantic with intrusive thoughts of self harm and suicide though the main mood is sort not too bad yet but with wired and anxiety and ocd fucking you over?
I forgot what it was like to be like this. They normally last a few hours to maybe a day or two.
Besides for the last few days I think they were there, just mild and not very noticeable.
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self.bipolar
|
Manic Much? For a while I have been going back and forth. And within this time of being up I have made plans and contacted a bunch of people to open a bowling alley! Now I'm instantly regretting what I have done. What if this all goes through? How am I suppose to run a business? I can't possibly do this!!!
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self.bipolar
|
I’m not sure if I’m suicidal or something else? For a tiny bit of background, I’m in my first year of college and it’s been very hard. Had a few self harm incidents, was in the health center for a few days, breakdowns, anxiety attacks, one week long depressive episode where I missed a shit ton of class (which made stress worse). Part of it was my fault because I wasn’t taking my meds consistently (and lying to my mom saying that I was), but even now that I’m back on track (for two weeks now!) I still feel “off” a lot of times.
I kinda just want to go away for a bit, but I’m not sure what that means. Being dead sounds nice in some moments, but not in others. I just feel empty? I’m not sure what to do. I can only see my counselor once every two weeks so I feel lonely most of the time.
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self.SuicideWatch
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What do you do when you subconsciously don't want to improve? I talk about this on this sub alot but I'm lacking any will or motivation to try to medicate my problems. Everyone around me is (rightly) frustrated with this and my lack of will to bother is one of the main things that's making me so suicidal these days. People offer me lots of advice. "Get into a better sleeping routine, eat better, start doing exercise, do more around the house, get a job, volunteer, get work experience, get your driver's licence, apply for government benefits, start taking more care of yourself," etc.
The problem here is that I can't convince myself to do any of these things. I struggle with the dicipline, the will or internal motivation to even bother. I've felt like suicide is inevitable for so long that I don't do anything because it'd just be easier to lay down and die. "Why bother try to improve if my only ambition in life is to die? Why bother do anything? I'm gonna kill myself anyway, so it's just a waste of time." That's the way I think and feel about almost anything even romotely productive. I was coddled as a child and I feel extremely unprepared for life on top of all that so I have no real experience building a routine or doing anything on my own, and whenever I think about whatever goals I might want to achieve I feel completely paralyzed because they seem so out of reach. The only vision of the future I have is one where I'm dead.
My question is how the hell do I fix this? Is there even an answer? I feel like I'm trying to untangle a fucking huge ball of knotted wires and I have no idea where to start or what to do, because internally I just don't have any willpower left to face any of my problems. I'm getting very desperate these days and unless I find some kind of answer then I don't think I'll be around for long.
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self.depression
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I destroyed my life Recently out of my curiosity for psychedelics I partook in more than I should have of a particular substance. While under the effects I was not in my right mind and had little common sense. I did things that very well might have destroyed my life.
The only reason I'm still alive right now is because of the people that are close to me. If I didn't have my girlfriend's support I might very well be dead. I'm mostly just posting this for any advice that you guys can give me because if I'm forcefully separated from her I don't know if I can keep going.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Hyperactive imagination I dont know if its me or what but sometimes when im doing my work or zoning out I can see an inner me crying and screaming or yelling that its all my fault that shes broken like this. Then when I am nursing my patients she would point me to choke them and harm them. I know that she's all in my head but is it concerning?
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self.depression
|
Diagnosed as Bipolar III / Cyclothymia I'll try to keep it short and tell my story here.
I was felling really bad, my dad had passed away, my relationship was a mess and a lot of shit was going on.
A psychiatrist diagnosed me with depression.
I started taking Desvenlafaxine (pristiq).
A month and half later i tried to kill myself. Woke up on the hospital.
On a psychiatric hospital my medication was changed from Pristic to Lithium.
On the third psychiatrist, I was then diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder III, which is described as a mild *mixture* of type 1 and 2.
Now I'm taking Lithium Carbonate (1350mg/day) and Bupropion (Wellbutrin - 300mg/day).
I recognize that when I was on pristic I had almost all hypomaniac symptoms .. (and when I remember it now, *it was so good!*)
My Lithium dose has been gradually increased. Last month the lithium dosage on my bloodstream was 0.52 mEq/L, this month it's 1.08 mEq/L.
Today I started to read again about BD3 and I saw the symptoms of the depressive cycle:
Isolation
Not experiencing pleasure in the things you used to enjoy
Excessive crying
Changes in eating habits and/or weight
Sleeping too much or too little
Difficulty concentrating
Feeling guilty, worthless, or hopeless
Irritability
Feeling tired or worn out
Thoughts of death or suicide
Yeah.. that describes me right now..
With all that said, the thing is.. why do I still feel like shit?!!
I'm taking this meds for 5 months and all I wanted was to feel something different, to feel some hope at least
I think all this was just to let off steam, but any word is welcome, specially the ones that will make me think.
I'll see my psychiatry again this week and will tell him my thoughts
ps.: I wasn't able to keep it short.. sorry about that
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self.bipolar
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Anxiety and frustration about organization Frustrated with this academic organization I'm heading. I have someone in charge of our training our undergrads to do research.
I asked her this evening if she had anything to present on Tuesday. She said that this was late notice and I need to tell her sooner. There was attitude.
I'm pretty pissed bc I asked as more a courtesy and reminder. She's supposed to be developing the training. She's known this since last week that we need to continue our trainings. Regardless of me asking her, she should have had something prepared for Tuesday.
I was a little shocked by the attitude and told her I wasn't asking for an in depth, 30 minute presentation, just for her to show us the next few steps and then I'd let everyone get to it.
I feel like I've been doing like 90% of the work for this org. I do outreach, I've brought in opportunities for us and came up with service projects. Even the research topic was my idea. And it's like, the time I ask her to do her job, she gives me shit. It's dumb and I just want to step down and watch this whole thing implode. I'm so tired of dragging this club by myself.
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self.offmychest
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I just feel so numb right now and I don’t know what to do. Title says it all if anyone would PM and just let me talk it would mean the world right now.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anyone not really depressed but kinda feel like they've had their "fill" of life and just kinda want it to end. It's just kind of boring. Like, when I hear stories of people dying in tragic accidents I envy them because they got go in a way that doesn't cause their friends/family any grief.
I just don't really see a point, or any real reason to keep going. But at the same time I don't see any real reason to kill myself.
I'm stuck in limbo and life feels more of a burden then a gift.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I hate how my Mother used to say (to my sister's face!) how fat she was, and now she's all, "Why aren't you eating?" I hate her for that. So it wasn't enough that she was such jerk to me, saying how ugly I was and stuff like, *"You're wearing that? You look like a boy!"*, and calling me *ABNORMAL* (yeah just outta habit!) when I did something wrong because she labeled me as the black sheep and treated me like that my entire life, and telling me on that fateful December 23rd, 2007 how embarrassing I was just because I existed as I did, and her just-arrived relatives realized I was her daughter (apparently they saw the 11-year-old me with weird hair and face), and for basically making me feel like the ugliest and weirdest daughter in the world....she ALSO had to do this to my sister. Her entire agenda of wanting to look like the most normal family in the world with the most perfect daughters (apparently and unfortunately she had me), that anything that might inflict even the tiniest crack on that protective glass covering our family's seemingly perfect façade, she tries to squish it away like it wouldn't affect any of us....I know she *knows* I have OCD (or even if she doesn't know what it's called, she surely damn knows I have it), and when she catches me struggling, she would smirk that stupid smirk like she was teasing me or making fun of me as if saying, "Hey freaka-dee, going loony bin crazy again, huh?", instead of helping me, just once, with a, "It's going to be okay, there is nothing there", and when I see her doing that, the OCD suddenly gets even worse.
I'm sorry but I am f*cking angry at her to a degree you cannot even imagine. Because of her, I am so scared that my sister is anorexic. I want to cry sometimes but I can't, I have to be strong for my little sister, who I am so sorry for, because I was away for 4 years because of college, I wasn't able to protect her from the monster that is our mother.
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self.offmychest
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Went on a massive spring clean at 2am while everyone was asleep, is this mania? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I just need to know someone's there...? Hi, everyone, or anyone. Hi.
I just need to know someone's there? I'm 22, female, and I've been contemplating suicide for about a year now. Doing research on the fastest, most successful and painless ways to die. I just feel alone. I feel like I don't really have anyone to talk to. Just need a friendly vibe somewhere.
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self.SuicideWatch
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They should sell pills that kill you nicely A form of consumer euthanasia would be nice.
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self.depression
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Tough Therapy Session Today Sorry, I just needed to talk about this. I had my third therapy session today. She was talking generally about what anxiety is. She was talking about fear of fear. My response was that this lines up perfectly for me. When I am anxious I often worry about how many days/weeks/years I will have to come back to this moment.
So then she asked what it looked like when things went so wrong I thought about it for years. So I told her about the big one for me that came to mind. I haven't ever felt so out of control emotionally that I can remember. Even when having panic attacks, I felt more in control. Sure, panic attacks give tunnel vision, claustrophobia, and inability to breathe, but I am aware of my own emotional state.
I went from zero to just barely gripping to awareness of my surroundings in about thirty seconds. It took several hours for me to come down off the adrenaline. I'm terrified of it happening again. I'm going back to therapy, but holy shit I feel shaken to the core.
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self.Anxiety
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I want help but don’t know where to start. I feel like my life is falling apart and has been for awhile. I’ve been feeling numb towards my boyfriend which sucks because he’s trying so hard to help and I just end up hurting him. I’ve been thinking about leaving him because I want him to be happy and I haven’t been feeling anything really towards him. He just feels like a best friend to me right now. But we have been together for 7 years. My depression and anxiety was good for awhile, I was on meds but they actually made my down days worse and made me have suicidal thoughts so I stopped taking them but now it’s gotten worse again. I don’t want to kill myself but I would like to just disappear. I just want to feel again. I want to feel like myself again. I don’t know who I am anymore.
The worst part of it all is that I do still have some feelings, they just aren’t towards who they should be, my BF. And that makes me feel even worse. I’m tired a lot of the time, I haven’t been eating enough and I’m scared for the future. I’m scared of change and what I’m going to ruin next. I just want to be happy again.
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self.depression
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Thinking of taking Propranolol to manage anxiety long term? DON'T!!!!! This drug is absolutely terrible to get off of please for the love of god ONLY take this medication as needed like for a speech or job interview. Feel free to ask any questions guys If I can save just one person from getting on this drug then my job is done.
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self.Anxiety
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I'm Tired of Faking It I was trying to write this in another medium and realized that 5 or 6 pages might be difficult to read through and follow unless I wrote more, so I condensed it as much as I could
I've been suffering from anxiety since I was 11 or 12 due to my mom's emotional abuse (she thought I was going to become a serial killer because I had intrusive violent thoughts). My parents divorced at 15, and I sided with my mom because she dissed on my dad 24/7. The anxiety turned into depression after being denied from the military at 19 for having OCD. At 21, I broke up with the one woman in my life that actually was stable (I mistook stability for boring). I married the next one who was the spitting image of my mother (unstable, emotionally and verbally abusive, etc). I divorced her in the same year (this year, actually). I tried dating a coworker but realized I was in no emotional state to be dating. Broke her heart and my own. There's a butt-load more detail, and I mostly blame myself for a lot that went down, even though I know it wasn't all my fault.
But I've been wandering ever since this May, in a haze, barely functioning. And by barely, I mean barely for myself. I still go to work, exercise between 3-5 hours a day, walk my dog, see friends, etc. But to me, it feels empty. I work graveyards and have very little required of me per night. My weekends are Monday and Tuesday nights, so my free time is when everyone else is generally sleeping. I feel like life has no point. I don't have much hope. I don't believe in a higher power. And I'm really good at hiding my pain. I have been for years. I can barely say anything to anyone but my therapist about the pain I'm in. I'm afraid I'm going to be a burden to my friends or family. I get paranoid about what they'll say or do. I feel like I'm slowly smothering myself with the intrusive thoughts that I get, "You're worthless", "No one wants you", "What's the point", etc. They're difficult to make fun of, as this is my primary coping mechanism.
I want to point out that I DO get intrusive thoughts about suicide, and while I'm afraid that I will, I know that I won't act on them. I do have people I can talk to, but I feel trapped in my own head, so I usually say nothing until my next therapy session. I have opened up to my dad, my sister, and one or two other friends, but to everyone else, I probably appear fine, functional, and perky (I'm a very sarcastic person, so I generally draw laughter as much as possible), but it's just a mask that I wear because what's inside is like the Upside Down from Stranger Things: dark, disgusting, painful, and full of monsters. I want to scream, but all I can do usually is stay silent. I want to be able to say more, so I'm starting here. I eventually want to 'come out' to my friends and Family on Facebook about my manic depression, and while I've hinted at it in a recent post, I'm still afraid to say anything at all. To avoid going in circles, I'm going to just post this because I've already spent too much time overthinking it as it is...
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self.depression
|
Waited 2 years. Finally the day came and nothing. What am i doing.... why do i want to die. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Instead of going on my highschool senior trip, I'm donating the money I earned to a mental illness research organization. I need help finding the right one. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I scare myself sometimes I've been scaring myself recently with things I've noticed.
I know that my moods have been changing, and that more things set me off.
I was upset today from something and wanted to punch a wall and my mind corrupted the thought towards myself and it scared me.
I'm worried about scaring someone away, the only person I care about anymore. I've been keeping a tally of every day I go without harming myself, and I put it on my fridge.
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self.depression
|
Bipolar people with bipolar family members, do you guys seem to “sync up” phases with said family members? It seems like my brother, Dad, and I do
I’m trying to test it by popping in at my parents’ house when I just started a manic period or just left one to compare / contrast to my dad
My brother lives near me (same university), so our sync could be weather or “the time of the semester” or whatnot
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self.bipolar
|
I don't know where to post this, but I think I might be having some sort of emotional shock/anxiety attack? I understand anxiety should not be taken lightly. And it is very serious. I've only suffered from anxiety through highschool and it cleared uo with support and time... but recently (im a freshman in college) i found out a close friend, who we both share romantic feelings for each other, has an ex gf who I've known about. He told me they broke up, and i took his word. I did not snoop and i trust him, but curiosity got the best of me tonight and I checked her social media. Her most recent post was about them getting married and all this stuff with a picture of them kissing. I have yet to address this with him, bc im sure he's unaware, but I cannot stop shaking. My heart is racing and I'm shivering uncontrollably and I feel sick and dizzy... ive never had this happen. I'm concerned and curious on what it is, and how to cope. Please help.
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self.Anxiety
|
Tried killing myself last week and I have no feelings about that I should care. I don't wish I had, I'm not glad I didn't, I'm not upset, it's just something that happened. I'm oddly not ashamed. Then I went inpatient after trying, still not ashamed.
I'm lacking so much emotion. I have to be on haldol so the self harm and suicidal thoughts go away otherwise they're overwhelming. I'm so broken.
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self.bipolar
|
Went to bed last night feeling hopeful and positive. Woke up sad and anxious. I fucking hate this. Went to a meet up last night and enjoyed myself a lot. In the end I was feeling good. I had made some new friends. But this morning I woke up and my stomach was in knots and I had this gnawing sadness. It just doesn’t seem like I can get ahead. My heart feels like it has a tightening clamp around it.
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self.depression
|
I think I’m dying. Worst attack in months. Help! I know I’m not but it feels like I’m having a heart attack. My face is feeling tingly and my back is worrying out. Thinking of all the past things people have said I trick myself into thinking I’m dying. Help me.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Does it feel like your body is "waving" when you're hypo? I am in the middle of my worst hypomanic (probably bordering on manic) episode right now. Last night i got really drunk and high, and while i didnt experience any severe symptoms like psychosis or paranoia or anything, i noticed it felt like my body was "waving", like a flag waves in the wind, or like im laying on a boat thats moving with small waves. Then today after my hangover went away and i sobered up, i felt like that again, accompanied by the normal hypo/mania buzzing feeling. It seemed almost like my eyesight was fuzzy too. I am worried the because this episode is so bad, could this be the beginning of psychosis or something? Or do you experience this waving feeling while hypo too?
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self.bipolar
|
Any advice? I am not suicidal or depressed myself, however, I am currently in a relationship with an amazing girl who unfortunately struggles with anxiety, depression, and has suicidal thoughts daily.
She has been going through this for roughly three years now and having only found out about it only last year I have gone above and beyond to giving every single inch of support and help for her, even before we started dating. To give context, we have been together for 10 months starting today.
There are many factors that weigh in to the causes of her depression and anxiety, including a very harmful family, mainly her mother and older sister, who also have mental issues of their own, over the years they scream at her and abuse her, her mother even makes degrading comments, like telling her that she's fat in everything she wears when she really doesn't and she's absolutely beautiful. She used to get bullied during middle school and still gets picked on and left out of every group, she's dropped out of her dance studio but is now on the school dance team, she loves theatre but hardly gets casted in shows which makes her think that she's not good enough. She's also in women's choir and she doesn't think she's a great singer even though I've heard her sing and I think she is amazing.
All of these things have been the primary reasoning for her depression and anxiety, and has led to a lot of self harm, mainly cutting. A lot of times she would spend the night at her grandmother's house and would quietly get drunk because of how depressed she is and says that she doesn't care. I've been helping her with that and is actually 6 months sober now, so I am proud of her for that. Her self harm is still the big issue, and I've tried and tried to tell her that it isn't right and that she should look to stop. But recently it's been difficult to do that seeing as that I am currently at college and she is still in high school, we are two and a half hours away from each other, but with finals coming up and winter break soon I will be home for a while and I'm actually staying in town after break and switching schools, so I will get to see her much more for a while.
Being the boyfriend of someone who has depression and anxiety has never steered me away from loving her. I have always done my damndest to give all the love and support that she needs to be happy, and that's what I want the most, is for her to be happy, and she does feel happy around me. She's told me that she feels safe and better and okay when she's with me and I have always told her that things will get better once she graduates from high school and out of her dreaded house, where we can get an apartment together and start our life together and be happy without worrying about other people trying to bring us down because we'll have each other, and she feels good when she thinks about that.
However, seeing that all of that is still at least a year and a half away means that there is still going to be many of times where she will be depressed and even after that, obviously depression isn't something that just goes away with a snap of the finger, it takes a lot of time to work with it and give the support that needs to be given.
Some people would say that a good option for her would be to get professional help and see a counselor. Well I wish I could say all of that helped except well, it didn't. Since 2017 started she has gone through 3 or 4 different counselors, has had a social worker, been placed in a mental institution that she really didn't belong to at only 15 years old at the time she was sent there, has gone through multiple types of medication, and even been placed on a 90 day plan that was supposed to help her from drinking and self harming. None of those things worked out the way we were hoping.
As of today she is still alive, but recently her depression has been getting worse, part of that being that I can't be there with her and this is the longest we've gone without seeing each other. She just cut herself again this past Sunday, I'm very concerned. I've always told her that she can always talk to me about anything whenever she needs it and I will always be there to help her. The past couple days she's been very quiet, she hasn't really been saying much and when she does it's in brief moments in the morning before it seems like her day gets ruined because of school. Especially today, she hasn't really been saying much to me. I've tried asking her what's wrong and that she can talk to me about it but.. nothing.
I am asking if there is any adive or help out there that I could use to possibly help her out in better or more ways or even things that I could pass on to her to help her get through all of this. I don't want anything bad to happen to her, I love her and I want her to be okay.
Thank you.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Therapist confidentiality and suicidal thoughts-what are the rules? I realized recently that I'm depressed as hell stemming from a rape two years ago, and the past two months or so (maybe longer who knows) I've been having suicidal thoughts. Don't have a plan really, and when you get right down to it I don't really want to die, but I want to die. Does that make sense? Maybe a better way to put it is I don't want to die but I don't want to live either, or live like this. Anyway that all sounds super extreme to me and I haven't expressed ANY of this to my therapist (will be finding a good one) because I'm really afraid of being sent to a hospital or sth against my will. Will saying the above get me sent away? When does a therapist break confidentiality? When can't they? I've heard a lot of scary rumors at my school of people being sent away for suicidal ideation and I'm scared.
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self.depression
|
the situation is getting horrible i live with my mother in Brazil , she is a Realtor and I'm going to start working as a young apprentice, and actually her job is going through a really Bad Phase here, actually the country is in a Bad Phase, she has a company and her co-workers left with just one remaining and our bills are late, and my salary probably wont be enough, and she is going crazy, im afraid that we wont make it and this is making me really sad and i dont know what more that i can do to help, i have just 19 and life sucks already
|
self.depression
|
Why is it so fucking hard to get a decent haircut? Every. Single. Fucking. Time I get a bad haircut.
I go to different places, give hair cutters a second chance and IT ALWAYS LOOKS FUCKING TERRIBLE. Why is it so fucking difficult to get a decent haircut? I've come in with pictures of many different hairstyles AND THEY FUCK UP EVERY SINGE ONE. WHy? How much money do I need to pay to get a good haircut? Why is it so fucking hard? I'm sick of looking into the mirror and seeing my sloppy hair thanks to barbers/stylists constantly butchering my cut. I can never tell how it looks while theyre cutting it since I can't wear contacts and by the time it's over it's too late for them to fix it. I'm so fucking furious, I can't even look at myself in the mirror.
On a side note, it feels good writing this all out even if no one reads this.
|
self.offmychest
|
Medication question I've tried a bunch of different antidepressants and they all seem to go the same way. It's fine for a bit and then after a month or two, I feel suicidal. Right now my psych has me on lamictal and i feel numb. Should i go back to antidepressants?
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self.depression
|
Can't call the suicide hotline cause I have no money, can't use the chats cause they're all full. So now I'm here. I just wrote a suicide note, then cried for about an hour. I wish I had any friends to call. There's one friend that might understand but I'm pretty sure she doesn't like me anymore. So now I'm just crying in bed. I'm not even sure if I'm gonna kill myself to be honest. I'm trying to talk myself out of it (which is why I tried to call, but I already emptied my bundle for the month). It would be nice to not be so fucking tired anymore though. I've stopped crying, and now I'm just numb. I promised the friend that doesn't like me anymore I'd go to a therapist again. I wonder how she'd feel if I killed myself. Probably relieved. Anyway I'm jyst ranting here, trying to keep myself busy until I fall asleep. I can't be alone with my thoughts, after all. That's a deadly risk currently.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
You don't see it coming. It just comes and creeps up on you. Then destroys your life slowly and painfully.
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self.depression
|
Has anyone had any successful treatments that have lasted? If so what has worked? I've been dealing with severe depression for most of my 32 years here. I've tried many medications and therapy. Medication has never really had much of an effect. I've been off of any kind of treatment again now for 3 years but am considering going back again to try. My plan is to seek out therapy and see if there is anything new out there to try. Just wondering if anyone has any success stories. Thanks
|
self.depression
|
I feel like an asshole So my friends mother is having me take care of their animals for a week while they're gone, and they expected me to sleep at their house and stuff. But I always get so much anxiety when I'm in their home at night, I cannot spend much of the evening their and I can't sleep there. I feel like I'm being so rude because their pets aren't getting as much attention as they should get and I'm not doing the job they expected and are paying me to do. This was really just a rant I guess. I get so much anxiety at night, I just never feel safe. In the day this is the case as well but it's manageable in the day
|
self.Anxiety
|
If I had a good fucking method I’d do it in a heartbeat It’s so fucking pointless. I don’t have anything to live for anymore. I’m working my ass off to get into career with a shitty salary. It was the only thing left that kept me going and kept me alive. I don’t have anything to live for anymore. No one will ever love me because I’m an ugly, unattractive, garbage human being. There doesn’t seem to be any point to anything anymore. No one cares about me. Everyone just abandons me or simply doesn’t care. I don’t wanna do this anymore. I’m so exhausted everyday.
All I ever wanted was to feel like I was worth something. I wanted something or someone who could tell me that I wasn’t worthless. That they were wrong to treat me like shit and that I was actually worth something. I think I know the answer now though. I’ll never be worth anything. I won’t be worth something to someone. I’ll never know what it’s like to have someone excited to see you after a long day or a long week. Someone who would just enjoy the moment with you. I’ll never know what it’s like to feel fulfilled and have accomplishments.
I wish I could be happy. I wish I had someone who cared. I wish I had a lot of things. I guess I’ve always been some sort of dreamer. That’s what kept me going for a while. Even after being disappointed so many times I always thought that I could still rely on someone, only to have them abandon me. I still pushed on and worked hard because of the promise that I could live a good life. It’s all a fucking lie. I know the reality. I just wish I didn’t have to be here anymore and face it. It’s all just so pointless
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My homebred chickens are probably dead. Yesterday, I put the chickens to bed far too late at around 11:00PM because I'd gotten distracted. Today, my mother told me that she thinks something has got our chickens, as the house is empty and there are feathers everywhere. We bred those chickens ourselves by accident, and I felt if I had not gotten distracted, this wouldn't have happened.
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self.offmychest
|
Mixing clonazepam with alcohol is that bad? They recently prescribe me 1 mg of clonazepam every night, but I’m a casual drinker..
|
self.Anxiety
|
Just want to you wish you all a great 2018! Hey friends,
I just want to tell you all that you are great and I hope you all have a great 2018. 2016 and 2017 have been rough for me, but I am finally making progress and I want to tell you that no matter how difficult things are, they will look up! If you would like a friend or someone to talk to, you are free to message me or comment.
Anyways, have a great New Years and keep on plugging along!
|
self.depression
|
Lying to myself I lied to myself for so long telling myself i wasn't insecure. Not once did i believe it.
|
self.depression
|
Experiences with CBD oil? I’ve been reading about CBD oil to help with my generalised anxiety disorder and wanted to know how it feels and how it has helped some of you people.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I think I'm going insane It's 4.26am I think I'm actually losing my mind, I can't sleep all I can think about is my ex with another man and how she doesn't care about me anymore, I keep blowing up her phone with texts and I can't stop I'm losing the will to carry on I just want the pain to cease
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self.SuicideWatch
|
16 M Just Telling What Happened Last Night I'm 16, I've been looking for a guy to experience things with for over a year. I post to Craigslist, and have never had any success, that was until yesterday. Yesterday a guy told me he could host, and had a 6" you know what. I've never done anything like this before and said why not. The guy was 40, I didn't mind that, it was quite the turn on. He told me he had a wife and kids, so he wanted this on the down low, that was a given. So, the guy ends up picking me up from a local store, and halfway to his place, he starts trying to get my junk out, god he had lovely hands. As soon as he whipped mine out, he spits on his hand and starts jacking me. He must've done this before because he was a god! When we got to his house, he pulled his THICK (I never asked, and figured he had a thin dick) package. I start jerking him, he starts jerking me, I'm having the time of my life. I feel myself about to unload, so I stop him and get on my knees. I've never given a blowjob, so I let him lead, and I could barely fit this monster in my mouth. After a few minutes, he starts shoving it down the back of my throat, and I feel myself start to gag. I feel embarrassed as I just through up on his dick, but I swallow back down, and start sucking. After a few more minutes, I feel his cock twitch, and I feel this super warm feeling in my throat, he started cumming. I swallow every drop he has to offer. Needless to say, I'm hoping for more next time. :)
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self.offmychest
|
I uhhhh did a bad thing So I’m writing this from a hospital bed I’ve been stuck here for two weeks. Here’s my story I slit my wrist two weeks ago and got hospitalised and put in a padded cell for evaluation I got put in this bed today for tests before being discharged but I don’t feel anything no regret or anything and I don’t care whether people find out but if I say that Im worried I’ll get hospitalised again but thanks everyone for anything.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How do I avoid handshakes? At school, random people will sometimes come up to me with they’re hand out and I just completely shut down. Not like a formal handshake, but like a what’s up kind. I have no clue what to do, and it’s always awkward. This ruins my day.
I guess I could say I’m sick but that won’t work every day. Any suggestions?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Openeyed spiraling down, getting comfortable in my depression routine, again. Seen it coming over the last month, had these strong saddening, sickening feelings coming up, knowing I cannot stop it. Daily life things became harder, getting to the shop to get food, leaving my room just for a cigarette felt impossible.
Here I am now, again, at that point, where I don't know what to do, to get out of it again. It's not as bad as it was last year at this time, but it's bad enough, that I stopped doing, what I was supposed to do, going to classes, going anywhere, if it's not existencially neccessary. Just sleeping in all day, being awake all night, not seeing any reason to get up in the morning.
When my alarm goes of, I without hesitation turn it off and keep my eyes forcefully closed, so I don't have to put up with the day that just started.
This day is over, before it began. Again.
This week, I promised myself, would differ from the last one. It's now halfway through, and it will not really begin.
For a few month I was sure to be out of this spiral, but I probably was just not spiraling down for some time.
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self.depression
|
Useless Useless grill. first time ask for one thing still she no do. only take take take no give...
Useless absolutely uselesz.
|
self.offmychest
|
Safe antidepressants? I've had horrendous experiences with every antidepressant I've encountered, however I want to give another medication an opportunity in hopes of finding motivation and drive--with my current treatment of Latuda & Topamax I'm stable but not loving life.
I switch easily and rapidly cycle, I know that alone is usually enough to stop further discussion but I'm anxious to know of other folks who have positive experiences a particular antidepressant. I appreciate the input.
|
self.bipolar
|
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