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Help coping with partner’s mood swings. I’ve posted here before, and you all were incredibly kind and helpful. I’m back again, this time asking for advice on how to handle my partner’s frequent mood swings.
She’s usually triggered by something small, like a small irritation. Before I know it she’s getting upset and angry, usually banging things around and snapping at me before evolving to speaking in a monotone voice, slamming the door and locking herself away. I know it’s just a short description, but I’m more worried about how I am handling it, if that makes sense.
I struggle a lot with feeling guilty over being upset or hurt by it. Almost like I’m mad at myself for taking what she says personally, and getting hurt feelings and crying. I know it seems stupid, but I can’t help but feel like I’m failing to be there for her if I’m worried about myself. I also have an anxiety disorder, and when she swings it sometimes causes me to have bad anxiety.
Please give me any advice you can. I’d really appreciate it. Thank you.
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self.bipolar
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Moving home and losing my life I moved to the UK almost two years ago to teach. I wasn’t expecting much as I had never been away from home and figured I’d hate it and move back home right away. The problem is, is I ended up loving it. I made lots of friends and just a month from leaving I met someone that I really fell for. I’m heart broken because he seemed to really enjoy my company but after I told him he seemed to have immediately decided to go back to his ex girlfriend. I can’t stop it from happening, my work was going to sponsor me but it was too expensive. The guy has basically told me I liked you but me and my ex have history. I can’t expect someone to move to a new country for me but I did. So Merry Christmas to me.
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self.offmychest
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Just can't hold it in anymore, held it in for far too long. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Im gonna try to stop playing videogames. I dont really know why but it seems like my last chance to change.
I hope it helps me become the person i want to be, if not, there is not much i can do but end it.
First and hopefully not last post, sorry for my english.
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self.depression
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I lie to mental health professionals that I'm okay and don't have PALS. GP and therapist enablers and unhelpful. The only person who believed me was my new psychiatrist. Found mouse in tub and overwhelmed with hoarding. Trying to move out controlling parents house at 25. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I just wish someone loved me. I'm struggling. Last relationship lasted 4 amazing years until I was cheated on. Nobody else but her knows about my depression and self harm. Now that she's gone I'm completely alone. I don't want to talk about that stuff to my friends because I'm not that kind of person to them.
I just want someone who loves me to listen to me and comfort me. It's too bad I'll never find anyone as perfect as her.
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self.depression
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What is wrong with me Okay, i've been in this subreddit for the past few months, venting my problems with college abroad and getting aid. Faced culture shock, language barrier, and a whopping 9 classes in 1 sem. I couldn't change it or else i'll be considered irregular or some shit. handled depression for the past two months, lost 15 lbs., and basically got fucked up. It ended with my parents and friends saying for me to go back and I happily agreed. Now, I'm 3 weeks away from the semester ending and I've been getting a strange feeling of missing this place.
Even through all of the hardships, it made me feel uncomfortable about myself in the future. Actually, a part of me lost confidence and wouldn't know the outcome of attending college abroad. I'm literally fucked in the mind. Everybody says to go home because i'm struggling but I wouldn't know how I will hold out. They said i'll have an easier time but let's face it. I'm in collee and after my experience here, i'm skeptical as fuck. Man, my life is literal shit and i don't know what to do. Maybe dying will be easier.
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self.depression
|
Does anyone else miss feeling the feeling of being loved? I don't mean just being cared about, like a parent. I mean the feeling of someone coming into your life and eventually loving every part of you, and making you feel wonderful and needed and right with the world.
Too many people have left me. That part of my brain is broken now. If I try really hard some nights I can remember what it was like and feel it again for a few brief moments. I try not to remember too hard, lest I realize how miserable I've become.
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self.depression
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I just know that the amount of time it's gonna take for me to fully get over my breakup is going to exceed the threshold of "normal." When I was 17, I went on one date with a guy. One date. It wasn't even a real "date" -- we went to Chipotle, and then walked around a toy store next door and messed around with toys. We had texted back and forth for maybe a few weeks, and he seemed pretty interested in me. After the date though, he backed off. I was sad about him for MONTHS. MONTHS, over one date and a few weeks of texting. I would go back and reread the texts all the time and think back to how "good" I had it when he actually seemed to like me.
When I was 20, I spent about a month texting a guy back and forth. We also went on ONE date. I got my hopes up very, very high. It turns out he wasn't interested in dating me -- he just wanted a hookup, a one night stand. We made out that night, but I couldn't give him more. He didn't contact me again. Again, I was sad over him for MONTHS. There were weeks where I felt that I'd rather be asleep than awake because I felt that I didn't have anything to live for. People would talk to me and I'd feel miles and miles away. I suffered for a long time, over one month of texting + one date.
I'm 25 now. I just dated a guy for a little over 6 months. I was dumped. Dear god, if this is my history of getting over people, how long is it going to take to get over a 6 month relationship?!
It's been almost 2 months since I was dumped. I feel like if I pass the 3 month mark and I'm still mourning, I'm definitely going to exceed the threshold of "normal" recovery time. I feel like this might take me even longer than 3 months to get over though. Maybe I'll need 4, 5, 6? 6 months to get over someone I dated for 6 months? Wtf.
What's wrong with me?
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self.offmychest
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Has anyone tried magnesium supplement for there anxiety? This is day one of trying it out. I’m really hoping it works. It took a lot for me to take it. inside my head my anxiety took me to the verge of thinking everything that I take I’m gunna have a allergic reaction to. I took it about 5-10 mins ago. Kinda freaking out but I know this is for best. I hope this really works
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self.Anxiety
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Why cant i be happy... I try to find something... anything to make me happy... but it always ends up making me depressed or angry... I feel like I cannot be happy anymore... I end up hurting myself over things I thought I would enjoy... I been looking for years now to find just one thing in life to make me happy... but nothing does... how can I be happy with myself if nothing in life makes me happy... I almost broke my computer cause I'm just so frustrated about it... if this is all my life is going to be then I don't want to keep going guys... I can't imagine a lifetime of never being happy...
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self.depression
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Ever have a lot of good things going for you, and yet you still want to die? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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my girlfriend is the only thing that keeps me going [deleted]
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self.depression
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Does anyone call you a hero? For dealing with bipolar disorder and mental illness? [Here's a quote](https://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/7abfow/my_beautiful_granddaughter_fighting_a_brain_tumor/dp8rrtx/) from someone who called a young person with cancer a hero. Do we get this kind of recognition and support? I think it's great for all the people fighting cancer, but it seems like our illness does not get the same attention.
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self.bipolar
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I don’t know what to do with myself anymore - run away? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Do you guys ever just zone out? I'll be doing something and feeling as good as I can, and in a matter of seconds my whole mood shifts and I go into this fog. Blankly staring at everything, barely speaking and not wanting to. When I get like this I wish I never see another human being. I wish I would just crawl in some hole and never come out. When I'm like this I get angry quickly if I'm not left alone. It's taking a toll on me.
Then an hour or two later its gone as quickly as it came. Am I alone?
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self.depression
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I just want to feel OK for 1 minute. I feel like my whole day is just a desperate rush to feel not terrible but I never quite get there. The only time I feel comfortable is when I am asleep. But I can't sleep becuase if I do I will fuck up my life even more. I think that if I only felt OK for part of the day I might be able to think clearly and do what needs to be done and stop making stupid decisions that destroy me even more. I never feel OK and think I never will.
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self.depression
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Tired of being inadequate I’m just tired of feeling like I’m constantly worthless. Two weeks ago I quit my job due to anxiety and today I got scammed on steam for almost 50 bucks. Everything in my life is complete and utter shit. I have no friends and my parents don’t understand me. I’ve just given up. I would give anything to just stop existing.
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self.depression
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Tips on defeating health related anxiety? Besides stop googling and taking medication ( I'm not trying to take, tried it for a bit and it made me more anxious) does anyone have advice on defeating health anxiety? I'm currently getting better as I take a great vitamin pack which includes b. Vitamins and a good quality magnesium and fish oil. I also drink herbal teas lemon balm and chamiloe throughout the day which help. I also have valerian which I take throughout the day. I'm essentially just wondering how you guys deal with new symptoms popping up and not over reacting as I've had many tests done that came out fine and my doctor, an ER doctor and neurologist have told me that I have anxiety. I am trying to get back into excercising but don't want to jump in too fast as this past summer I jumped in to heavy excercise and think it triggered anxiety.
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self.Anxiety
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Today i am alive Yes i am, i am fuctional and productive and i dont waste my time and money on stupid shit, today is a rare day, days like today comes once in a couple of months, but it still a great day, i am not depressed to the point i cant brush my teath or take a bath, and cant care about others, i still dont like people, but its still a great day.
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self.bipolar
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I keep thinking i'm choking on everything and everything is out to kill me. it's hard even leaving the house :( My anxiety continues to grow worse and worse anything I eat if its crunchy I assume it's stuck in my throat and I will choke to death. I just can't deal with my brain anymore it's broken
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self.Anxiety
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i failed for the first time i failed in love.i wanna die [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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"How are you?" What do neutral answers mean to you? I have this one good friend, we spend our time together since 3 or 4 years ago, but we never talk about ourselves, at least not about problems we might have and I really care about him so I often find myself wondering if he is okay, since he is kind of quiet, calm and doesnt really do much in his free time. Since these things also apply to me and I often feel depressed and would love to have someone to talk to about things like that, I ask my friend "how are you" quite a lot, I try to make it sound like smalltalk and nothing serious though.
Anyways, my question is: If the answers to that are "okay" "alright" and other rather neutral answers, could that mean that something is wrong? (I answer like this myself because I don't want to lie and say I'm good but I also don't want anyone to have to care about me being well or not)
sorry for bothering you with this long text, don't know how to explain the situation I'm in shorter than that
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self.depression
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I'm killing myself because of this system we're living in, thanks to whoever came up with it [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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contemplation I'm sitting here in my trailer (I'm living at a ski resort at the moment for my job). It should be my dream job but I feel so empty and alone.. even when I'm with people. I have been manic for the past 6 months and it was beautiful (except for the intermittent psychosis ofc). But fuck I want to be psychotic.. it's certainly better than this. I've just taken an oxycodone, adderall.. drinking a beer.. I cut again night before last and i've even found my non dull razors.. I feel nothing and yet everything at the same time.. I feel so fucking dramatic right now but I figured if anyone could understand it would be other people like me. Idk why I think being psychotic would be better than this but I guess it's because im confident. My hallucinations and delusions ARE real... I don;t feel real right now. I feel like a bag of bones (hence why I want to cut into it). idk what to fucking do but is anyone else struggling to keep their grip on reality.. but secretly just wants to fall head-first into it. I hate my illness, but the symptoms and coping skills (albeit harmful and self destructive) i've come to know and love over the years of having this illness, just seem so appealing and comforting to me rn. thanks for your time.
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self.bipolar
|
I just want to find some peace I don’t know what do to with my life. I have to go to school like all my contemporaries but I just can’t. I’ve always been a pretty good student but nowadays I’m barely able to stand up so how can I possibly study, do exams and all that school related shit? I want to take one year break to recover and just think about myself but I’m scared. I’m afraid of what will people think about me. I’ve always been the first of the class and now I’m just reaching the bottom. I don’t know what to do. I have to think about so many things, my head is exploding. I don’t want to think anymore.
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self.depression
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I start feeling lonely and depressed if I am alone for just one hour [deleted]
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self.depression
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I don't know what to do. I made this throw away account because I'm ashamed, and I couldn't bring myself to say anything on an account people might know me on. I'm scaring the hell out of myself, I don't want to be alive anymore. I feel like the movie should've ended a half hour ago and now I'm just wasting every ones time. I've been empty so long that I don't remember what it's like to be happy anymore. I hate myself and I want to die. Someone please help me
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don’t want to die but not being alive sounds like such a wonderful option I have tethers here. I’m in love. I have a close friend and a good father. I have a future I want to see. But I’m in such a dark place and there’s this constant voice telling me just to give up even if it would hurt everyone I care about. I hate it. I want to be okay I want to live. I want to be happy and grow old with the love of my life.
I hate absolutely everything about myself, from the way I look to my mentally ill brain. I hate it all. If I could keep all the people in my life and my relationships with them and just be a different person who I actually liked, I would do it in a heartbeat. I feel like I contribute nothing to the world. I’m in college on my dads money trying to become a vet but failing miserably. I don’t work. I don’t do extracurriculars. I want to, but I can barely handle classes and caring for myself. I have one friend who lives near me, my roommate, and she’s going through the same thing so even though we understand each other, it’s hard to motivate myself to do anything when I see her sleeping all day and isolating herself too. My girlfriend, who is also my best friend, is going through something that actually warrants a depressed response while I’m just plain sick in the head. Yet she does so much. She’s in theater, she’s got tons of friends, she goes to parties and has fun, she’s an artist and she’s constantly improving the world or creating something. I love her so much and I want to hear about her life, but every time I do get to hear about it it reminds me how empty mine is and what a failure I am. This ends up making her feel like she can’t even talk to me, which in turn leaves me even lonelier. We’re long distance. We grew up together and are extremely in love, so I don’t buy into that “long distance never works” shit, but it is damn hard being apart. I feel like she deserves so much better than me.
I can’t talk to her about my suicidal thoughts because she goes into a panic and has an asthma attack that puts her in danger. She feels at fault when she’s what’s keeping me here.
I feel like if I just wasn’t here, if somehow she never had to grieve for me and could just forget I existed and I could disappear, her life would be better. I want to stay for her. But I don’t feel like I can change or get better. I’m trying so hard but every day I take one step forward and ten steps back.
I have no plan to end my life. Im going to keep working on staying alive, on becoming someone I can stand. I’m trying to set goals for myself and keep to them. I’m working so hard on myself but no progress is happening.
I guess I’m coming here because I have nobody else to talk to. I’ve tried suicide hotlines but they don’t seem to care unless you’re literally two steps away from shooting yourself. They’ve only offered information I already have, things I already try. They feel so generic and distant and like I’m wasting their time. I just want to be told that I belong here. I just want to feel like I mean something and like I’m not a burden.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I (f/26) just moved in with my boyfriend and am experiencing panic attacks in the new apartment [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I'm currently on leave from being inpatient. When I go back I'm going to sneak in a razor blade and slit my throat. What will happen if I fail? Will they send me to a more secure unit? I really want to die but I'm scared that if I fail I'm going to get sent to a more secure unit and get put on 1-1 observations.
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self.depression
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My mind won’t shut up Everything seems to constantly go wrong because of me. I push away everyone who cared about me by being a paranoid bitch. I keep spiralling down and down, but no one will take me seriously. No one cares. I’ve thrown away the pills I was taking and my razor blade, so that I can’t hurt myself any more but now I have no way to cope, and I can’t stop the constant onslaught of horrible thoughts in my mind. I’ve been considering killing myself on New Year’s Eve for a couple of weeks, and it keeps looking more and more attractive. I need help
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't want anything anymore. I don't feel like living anymore. Nor do I feel like commiting suicide.
The very concept of wanting something feels meaningless. Nothing feels important and/or better than something else. The value system became nonexistent.
I am no longer sure what made me depressed in the beginning. I am just being depressed over the fact that I am being depressed.
I am doing exercise and trying to get better, but I am not sure what getting better means, anymore.
I know that everything above is common delusional bs made by my depressed mind, but I still can't feel otherwise. Kudos for those enduring this living hell. And thanks to those who cared enough to read this.
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self.depression
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I honestly think that if school didn't exist, I would be much happier. [removed]
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self.depression
|
I need help to deal with my traumas (long post) I'm male and i born in 1996, i was a wonderful, innocent and pure child.
I'm adopted since i'm 1 month yo, but i know my biological family, so, it's ok.
With my "adopted" family, i was created freely, i could have fun whatever i want, i grow up playing a Atari console,SEGA Genesis, PS1, PS2 and PC.
Well... my neighborhood was not so nice and i just understand it now where i'm with 21 yo.
Abuses:
The first abuse happened when i was 8yo, they are all older than me (around 20yo), a guy told me to put my hand on his pocket and see what was there.
The second abuse happened when i was 10yo, i don't remember what i'm doing but this cant justify, three or four guys let me completely naked on the street and tied me up on a post, although it was during the night, people still passing by me and they looked to a boy on the post like "WTF".
The third abuse was sexual, and i prefer to avoid this part.
* During my childhood, i met pornography. I utilized it until this year, when i identified my problems, as a scape. Due to this traumas, my mind utilized pornography as a way to feel "more real" or "feel something", but pornograhy isn't good after all. My prefere as (or is) cam girls, JOI, amateurs...the most immersive and pure is better.
Consequences:
During my teenager part, i started to cut myself a lot, just to "feel something" because my mind was completely turned off. I could not feel happiness, sadness or anything, i was just a complete void. On school, my "friends" cut me too because they want to know if that is true i could not feel anything, they cut me in a lot of ways, i still have some marks. As a teen, i faced it as a joke, but it was not.
Today: I'm 21, i recently graduated and licensed on molecular biology, i'm a student and researcher of bioinformatics. My instructor likes me and tell i'm talented on what i'm doing and people around me tell that i will have a great future. But i can't feel anything. Just sadness, hopeless and i think about suicide everyday.
My desire for suicide is worse when (for some reason) i have crisis, i don't know why, but i feel worse sometimes. I identify myself as straight, i have a GF now, but when i have these crisis my mind is just a mess, i don't know who i am, my fully name, i don't know if i am male, female, straight, gay, bi or attack helicopter, i just don't know anything, i just think about die, kill and i feel rage and angry for one or two weeks. Most part of my success as student came from my revolt and attempt to be perfect, if i like something, i will be a fanatic for it.
* I lost a lot of people on my life, my biological mom, my old brother, my "adopted" father, my grandpa and the animals that i really loved. Also, my other brother was addicted to drugs and killed a chicken in front of me, i cried for a long time ( i was 13yo). Today i live with my "adopted" mom only.
Only now i identified the origin of my problems, but i don't know how to "fix" these things and stay more closer to "normal".
Thank you for your time!
Have a awesome weekend.
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self.depression
|
I know we're just friends, but... For the purposes of this, post (a very long one) the ending is what I'd like to get off my chest to the girl that this is the subject of. I've been told that telling her this would be less than ideal (to say the least), but...
So, a few points of background info. "Winnie" is a coworker. Yes, I know that was stupid to go after a girl that's in my department. I didn't want to. It happened.
So, I was hired by a company earlier this year and there was this girl Winnie in the department. Immediately, I thought she was absolutely beautiful (I still remember being introduced to her at an awkward new employee breakfast in the conference room that I hate so much). I had no real interactions with her, however, within the department. At times I was aggravated by this. At other times I thought it was probably for the best, for obvious reasons. For about 4 months, that is. Then, as if my prayers were answered, I was all of a sudden assigned to work on an off-site work project with her once per week. Just her and I (with another non-employee off-site, more on said non-employee later. Or maybe not. Said non-employee has no real personality or importance and it’s their lack of importance that led Winnie and myself to grow so close by talking to each other and getting to know each other so well and hitting it off and not caring that there was another person in the room).
And to be clear, we immediately hit it off. I'll admit I only knew her as the beautiful girl from my department at that point, I really had no idea we had so much in common or that we'd always find each other so easy to talk to. We could talk about everything; sports (I'm a diehard sports fan and she's a bit of a tomboy and loves them), work, current events, politics (we actually don't even agree on that much but we manage to talk about it), college stories, and we both know a fair amount about each other's family lives (we've really always been comfortable talking to each other about EVERYTHING). Although we hadn't ever hung out before, it quickly became clear we had some similarities in party styles and social lives (her being younger than I am is still closer to that college party age, though, and that’ll become more relevant in a bit). I guess ages are required here, so we’ll put her in her early 20’s and me in my later 20’s. A fact that she’s been keen on teasing me about quite a bit.
So a couple months go by (as in two) and I'm very cautious because she is a coworker. I do start by bringing her back a souvenir from a weekend trip I made (and she was VERY appreciative). We develop this rapport and pretty soon we're basically best buddies in the office and talking/texting almost every day.
Then I decide three weeks ago that it's time. Since she's a big sports fan, I decided I'd go all out. I tell her that I have tickets to to see her basketball idol, LeBron James (someone she LOVES but had never seen in person and given ticket prices during his annual visits to our city, she wasn't sure if she would ever be able to do so). Although I was (very) nervous asking her, her response upon being "I COULD SHIT MYSELF" was a nice tell that she was very much interested. She proceeded to practically dance around in joy, texting me later how happy she was (“holy shit I’m SO excited!”) and telling me that her roommates had to literally tell her to STFU because she was still going nuts about it upon her arrival home.
So the day of the game arrives. As aforementioned, her and I have similar party lives, so naturally upon entering her house (yes, she invited me over to her house, what I thought was a decent sign) she dumped out a copious amount of liquor and weed. I, being nervous, indulged. A lot. So did she, however.
The game happened and there were certainly good memories, though I regret that I don't have more of them. I partially blacked out the night, so unfortunately a decent gap within that night is missing. She later told me that although she was very inebriated, she doesn't believe she blacked out at all (more on that in a bit). The game was a very fun time though, and even though LeBron lost, she raved about how much fun she had. Mostly just flirting during the game, I know I kissed her a few times and I played with her hair a lot (we took a bunch of selfies and her hair is significantly messier at the end of the game because I was playing with it so much).
We actually went back to her house that night, however, it was only because I told her that I wanted to make sure she got home safe (and yes, that is true). We sat out and talked briefly, she smoked a little, I was still very drunk, I'm not entirely sure what I babbled about, then she went to bed, and offered me the couch. I thought about crashing on it, but then remembered I had my trip the next day that I hadn't started packing for and needed to get home. I knocked on her bedroom door a couple times to say good-bye, she didn't respond (Yes, I'm aware now of what that looks like, and no, spoiler alert, I haven't gotten the chance yet to explain that so that she doesn't get the wrong impression).
The next morning, I received a text from her, mostly in all caps, thanking me again and telling me how much of a blast she had. I proceeded to pack and do laundry and spend a miserable day godawfully hungover before I took my long flight for the holiday (a full week). Note: Never do an international long haul flight brutally hungover. Particularly if you woke up at 7 am that morning with a searing headache (after passing out around 2 am) and if you were unable to nap all day that day. Because a 9:30 PM seven-hour flight is rather hellacious under those conditions. Just trust me. No need to try it yourself to confirm my findings.
Upon my return, my first day back I had an off-site meeting with her where everything seemed fine. It was a brief meeting that day (not for reasons of her cutting it short), and I gave her another souvenir that I had picked up this time from my most recent travels (which she was extremely enthused over again). I asked her if she could grab a drink that night. She said she had an obligation but when I asked her for a rain check, she responded "Definitely! We'll grab drinks after work some night this week!" (And proceeded to tell me she was pretty wide open that week, so we’d definitely get to it, more on that in a bit).
So the next day, I checked in with her while at work (again, still best work buddies) and she semi-immediately tells me that she has to go see her parents’ that night and when I said "Oh cool, I was going to ask about tomorrow night?" she was very non-committal, saying that she thought she had an obligation with her roommates but that she would let me know. “Thursday night?” was met with a “I have no idea, but yeah, like I said, I’ll let you know.”
Fearing the worst, as she had suddenly become the busiest person on earth, I fell asleep watching Netflix that night (not sure how I fell asleep during Riverdale, but perhaps melodrama isn't the best thing for me to be watching right now) and awoke the next morning to see a text from her that I had gotten overnight. The gist of which stating "I just want to make sure we're on the same page here, I'm really sorry if I've given you the wrong impression, but I want to make sure we're just friends. Sorry if this is blunt, but I don't want to be misleading at all and I obviously don't want things to be weird between us." I responded back that morning saying that I wasn’t mad (which I wasn’t and I’m still not, more on that in a bit) but that I’d like it if we could still get together sometime after work so that we could talk. She responded back saying “awesome, just wanted to make sure we were on the same page.” (No, this wouldn’t be the first time she very clearly missed the crux of my point in a text, a fact that she’d laughingly admit to herself).
So, I'll admit, I cried in the shower. And on the way to work. But held it together while at work (mostly). And for the rest of that week, as I saw her but didn't see her (us not having much interaction aside from the off-site meeting came in handy).
So Monday, during our weekly off-site meeting, things were almost okay. She had texted me while I was driving to ask a work-related question (a text I missed and apologized upon seeing her, which she seemed a bit skeptical about that I had "missed" it, when I truly had), and during the meeting, although we talked, it was far less than usual, with a lot less laughs and a lot more silent pauses (where there were previously NO silent pauses, ever).
On the way out of the meeting, I made a joke about the meeting being boring to which she laughed.
And then we had the following exchange:
Me: We’re cool, right?
Her (looking down and away and speaking softly and quickly): Yeah, yeah, we are…
Me: I guess I just have one question for you...
Her: shoots weirded out expression
Me: I... was it anything I did? Did I ever do anything that hurt you in any way?
Her (still weirded out expression): What? No. I’m sorry if you thought that was it...
Me: I didn’t, but I mean, there’s a million reasons why you’d say what you did, and I’ll live with any of them, except for that one, I just needed to know it wasn’t that.
Her (again looking away and down and speaking quickly and quietly): No, it wasn’t, I mean I totally want to be friends with you, and I love hanging out, I just wanted to make sure we were on the same page.
Me (sad dejected voice): We are now.
Her (walking away): Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow.
Me: Yep. Have a good night.
(PS All my guy friends have screamed at me for saying I botched that one. I’d ask from the female perspective if that sounds any better, but I’m not overly hopeful. Happy to be told otherwise. Given how uncomfortable she looked, I can’t say I’m expecting my first positive feedback, however).
I only saw her but didn't see her for the rest of this week. Another week of awkwardly not running into one another.
So that's where we stand.
Yes, I'm trying to just get over her. That's what I'm working on. I didn't WANT to fall for her, as I previously said. I did, however. I do want to get over her. That's working out about just as well.
But I think for the purposes of getting things off my chest, I think the big thing that I'd want to tell her is this:
“Hey I just want to make it clear I wasn’t trying to buy a hookup here. I like you for you. A lot of people told me I was crazy to go all in like this, but as I told my friend, I know she might only think of me as just a friend, but even if she does, she’s worth it. And you were. And you are. You still are. I know I’d have paid much more than I did to have found out the answer was yes. But you can’t have a one-sided bet in life, so I knew I’d have to accept either way, and because of that, I have no regrets.”
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self.offmychest
|
Happy manic-versary to me! Does anyone else remember the precise dates their episodes started? I remember the beginnings and ends really clearly and then in between gets real fuzzy.
A year ago today I was a huge mess and was planning on killing myself in under 24 hours but for some miraculous reason my mood decided to switch over the course of the evening and I was MORE THAN FINE and shit got weird real quick. Don't remember a lot after that until mid-to-late December when the meds kicked in, but damn, that amazing feeling when I realized I was "better" is crystal clear.
I should buy myself a goddamn cake to celebrate since I haven't been manic (apart from milder med-induced stuff) since then. Wahoo!
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self.bipolar
|
I feel like I'm two different people. One that loves life and is going to conquer the world, and one that wants nothing to with anything and cant bring himself to get out of bed.
It makes getting any work done nearly impossible. Any time I feel the motivation to get it done, either Im not in a position to do it, or by the time I get almost started, I quit and think to myself "whats the point."
I can sit and think how lucky I am to be in my current position in life with all these oppertunities laid out ahead of me, then 5 minutes later Im feeling guilty about how I don't deseve any of it.
I've managed to live 3 years since I was fairly serious about ending it all. I made so much progress by milking my motivatio, but now I'm winding down and I feel it falling apart around me. Nothing is wrong, this I know, but it feels like my world is ending. My rational thoughts and actions have been nowhere to be found when I've needed them.
I ask myself where I see me in the future. A few months ago I'd say that I'll be doing great in my own place working on being a functional adult. Now I don't think I'll live past my mid 20's. It really depends what the time of day is.
My Dad suffers from severe bipolar depression. When I was young he'd go from screaming at us to punching holes in walls, to punching himself, to a crying heap on the floor.
He's doing much better now. And I do not want to become that. I don't get angry, but its the crying heap I'm worried about. If one day I'm busy feeling sorry for myself and then I get a burst of motivation, I'm gone.
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self.depression
|
You tell me to be me, but you still act like I'm fake.
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self.depression
|
When I get depressed or stressed out I dream about a girl I was with 24 years ago, which leaves me even more depressed. Anyone has a similar situation? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I have accepted I need help and have some questions Ive been dealing with anxiety or depression for two years now and im fed up. The reason I say Depression or Anxiety is because I dont have a actual diagnosis I refuse to feel this way and just accept it. I want to get some kinds of medication and i just wanted to know what the process for getting a prescription is like. Im worried that a doctor will tell me no I dont need help
|
self.Anxiety
|
Recently diagnosed with bipolar and I'm confused. My psychiatrist re-diagnosed me with Bipolar NOS. I was misdiagnosed for four years. I'm still questioning if I actually have bipolar though because anxiety is my main problem. I haven't really experienced full on mania(atleast I don't think), I only get very irritable and talk fast randomly for a short period of time. I get depressed for about a month then I'm fine. I can see some small signs but nothing that jumps out as being apart of bipolar. I guess I just don't understand yet. I don't know.
Btw, My official diagnoses is bipolar, social anxiety, generalize anxiety, and panic disorder.
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self.bipolar
|
I'm fucked I had a threesome tonight; after both girls were hysterically crying
Uber fucked up and I ended up drunk driving them home
Got caught by the parents and now I'm dead
I lost 20 grand this week day trading
I found out I won't be graduating college because I can't get a class I need
I fucked things up with the girl of my dreams
All my freinds turned on me
I've started drinking every day and I'm so done with life. I likely won't kill myself cause I haven't before but I'm thinking. I had a psychotic episode a few months ago and now I can't buy a gun. That makes me less likely to do it. Could someone just give me some kind words? I'm still drunk and entirely done with life
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What do you do when your "friends" are just using you? As in, they're so obvious about it that they'll ignore every message asking to hang out but freak out if I'm a bit late to get their weed. Most of them just want weed, although one of them I think enjoys straight up psychologically fucking people, and she's great at it. She at one point got a group of 3 people to gang up on me because her girlfriend had suggested we go to a bar and I said "as long as (X) is ok with that). Which is what I would have done to a hetero/non-trans couple, but apparently it was a HUGE misstep because she still doesn't talk to me the same. I should stress that she was watching the conversation unfold and we were literally just saying "Val speak up would it be OK you can end this now" -_- she must get off on it.
I don't know what to do. I know they're just using me and they know it too, but as they've even mentioned before, I have nowhere else to turn to. Even my parents have flat out told me they don't love me.
So. In a world where my "friends" leverage that "friendship" over me for whatever they please, how am I meant to escape that clearly toxic situation? It's not like I can just go to the friend shop and pick up the new manipulation-free model.
I guess my question would be, where do you find quality friends? People who see you as someone to help instead of an asset? I've never been suicidal when I had an SO because I knew I was brightening someone's life, now... I'm basically just an emotional plaything.
I've tried church (although I'm not religious and their dedication to converting me definitely showed), smoking outside concerts and raves (I don't smoke and am aware of the health risks but I'm desperate, until my "friends" find me and drown me out of the conversation this has been the most effective), and just meeting people from the internet and making sure no one knows.
I'm sure one of you must have been in this situation before. Where can I find a legitimate, non-sociopathic human being? I just want one friend that's all, even if it's just someone here I can talk to on Skype. Just something yknow?
Thanks in advance.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How depression feels like. (For me) I've been dealing with depression (aka. Ignoring it and hope for the best.) for nearly three years now and went into suicidal thoughts after the first year. Today I felt like talking about how it feels living with it.
Depression is a sickness that affects your body as much as your mind, and it could eventually end up killing you one way or another. For me, it feels like a hand is resting on the back of my head and its fingers are grabbing my left side so tight the fingernails are burrowing deep into my brain. Although fingernail is the wrong word, it's more like a long splinter or needle that stabs you all the way into the center of the brain and nothing can remove it.
Every time my depression acts up, either when I feel like a piece of shit that nobody will love, worry about the future, remember my lost ones, or just begin feeling down for no reason at all, I can feel that long needle squirming inside my head making a mess of my thoughts. It's painful and exhausting every time it happens. You are waiting for that needle to finally hit something important so you can fall dead and stop feeling like this, or perhaps you could ignore all of it until it goes away forever. But that needle will never kill you, it's just there to cause pain until you yourself end it all.
I try ignoring it, even though I know it will never go away, by distracting my mind. Either surfing the internet or talking with friends, whatever to push the thoughts away and keep that needle from moving. I have taken to write, mostly trash, obviously. I'm trying to find a significant other, but having spent all my life unloved I believe it's a lost cause already. Can't keep a job these days, can't blame depression on that, I am a piece of shit.
I suffer an attack today after receiving some news, nothing bad only heartbreaking, and I'm battling suicidal thoughts as I write this, it helps to keep them away for some minutes. Don't think I can go another year like this, hell, don't think I can go the rest of this year without doing something major. That fucking needle is so painful I just want it to end, but I can't do it.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I’m on meds but I keep getting panic attacks Sometimes during the day but mostly when I’m trying to sleep. If I try to distract myself I don’t get to sleep for a long time. If I leave it alone then it gets worse. What can I do to help it
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self.Anxiety
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I might commit suicide soon, but I'm scared of the consequences for my family [deleted]
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self.depression
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Screw This I don;t even know why I'm posting this, I pass hoping for someone to reach out, or maybe there;s still [art of me that wishes that someone would undersyand. I ended up going hosptal aftermy last post, and each day sincethen ithas been worse and worse. Finallt got myself some whisky and wine tonight, a few cuits too never hurt me. I don;t know, maybe this is a way to vent, i don;t careanymore, to go through all I did just to be told at the end of it to go home and sleep. nice Joke. Maybe the point of this post was to vent>? I fdon;t rememberm. I'm just so done I don;t even know what to do anymore. yet I'm too stupid and selfish to end it, I'm truly stuck.
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self.depression
|
feeling like an anxiety imposter I deal with a lot of confusing symptoms that I can't be sure are anxiety symptoms or just me being a bad person. I feel emotionally distant when someone is upset, I freeze completely up and feel the urge to lash out, run away, or I just become mute. My partner is super frustrated with it and it's to the point he's almost completely fed up with me. He says he fell in love with a sensitive soft hearted person and I became cold and distant as soon as the going got tough.
I tend to agree, but I also feel as though I irrationally avoid people judging me or getting upset with me because I know I can't handle it at all, I try to prevent it by taking care of what I can when I can, but I'm just aware I can't give my partner what he's asking: emotional support.
Now it's to the point of breaking up, almost, and he is hurt that he doesn't see me fighting for him, but I'm getting fed up too. I am sick of feeling guilty for no reason, and then I'm sick of feeling guilty for a legitimate reason but being powerless to work on it or be present. He has PTSD and anxiety abd physical issues, and I have told him I have anxiety, but he says "I don't see that you have symptoms, so I think you're bullshitting me" and I'm not sure what fihjt-or-flight in an innocuous conversation about someone's feelings is if not an anxious symptom.
I'm starting to get resentful about this whole thing now, angry at the world, wanting to leave everything behind, and feeling like I have no reason to feel this way.
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self.Anxiety
|
DAE get annoyed when people say "well you should be better in a couple months right?" Okay so I used to work night shift and it was easy for me to go to my appointments because I would just go after work. Now it's a bit harder because I work days now. I asked my boss if they could possibly extend my lunch or request FMLA. She was almost unsure of what to say and she asked how long this would be going on and maybe in time I wouldn't have to go at all and get 100 percent better. I was frustrated because I have had anxiety since I was a kid getting therapy. It just doesn't "magically" go away. My boss thought my anxiety was just due to my wedding coming up. I was offended that she basically just acted like I had onset anxiety or something. Why do people think that any mental illness is either "over exaggerated" or just don't understand or want to understand.
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self.Anxiety
|
Can't eat since starting new job I just got a new job baking at Tim Horton's at the start of the week. I thought I had my anxiety under control before, but after the first day I started having horrible prolonged panic attacks.
One issue that surfaced from this is the smell of food brings up this anxiety. I can only eat small portions of food with no smell, otherwise I get sick and vomit.
I don't know if I should quit, or push through and hope this goes away. Everyone keeps saying I'll get used to working but my anxiety just keeps getting worse each day.
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self.Anxiety
|
I've been hanging on by an emotional thread this entire holiday season And it all culminated into me finally breaking down today.
Fuck Christmas
Fuck people
Fuck depression
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self.depression
|
What was your diagnosis process like? Hi guys. I was hospitalised for 3 months last year due to a severe psychotic episode. I had one in the past as well although it was shorter and mainly involved hallucinations rather than a full break from reality. My doctor/psychiatrist prescribed me lamotragine-a mood stabiliser and aripiprazole-an antipsychotic. These are medications used in the treatment of bipolar. However despite having all the symptoms they won't actually diagnose me with anything. It's really frustrating because although being diagnosed would suck at least it would give me a language I could speak in that other people could understand. I'm from the UK btw. I've heard that on average a bipolar diagnosis takes 10years. How did diagnosis happen for you?
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self.bipolar
|
How do I get help? I'm 21 years old, and a junior in college. When I first started school, I had already been anxious and depressed for a while, but it got much worse after the first few weeks of freshman year. Since then, it's been getting progressively worse every semester. I used to have perfect attendance, except for when I was really sick, but now the thought of going to class makes me feel so ill that I end up staying in bed or going home early. I'm falling behind in classes and assignments too-- I used to turn things in on time with good consistency, but now I find myself bringing things in later and later.
I feel really guilty about it, because I've been a pretty good student up to this point, making good grades and being an active participant in class, but now I'm slipping, and I feel like I'm letting my professors down. I go to a small private school, and there are only ~30 students in my department, so the professors do develop a pretty close bond with the students, so my failure will hurt them as well as me.
I want to get help, because I don't want to do poorly in school, but I don't know what to do! My school does have a counselor, but he only offers faith-based counseling, and I'm not comfortable around men to begin with. I can't drive or talk on the phone due to my anxiety, and I don't live near a place that has an option for making appointments online. I feel like I'm beyond helping. Every time I ask someone to help me, they offer advice that I keep brushing aside because I've already tried it. I feel like I've tried everything! I don't think I can keep living like this, but nothing I try helps. What do I do?
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self.Anxiety
|
Had to get off the gym because two dudes were grunting like pigs and moaning like they were fucking. Why does the staff not do something about this? I'm just a scrawny guy, those dudes were ripped as fuck. There is no way I could just politely go there and ask them to keep it down. God fucking damn it.
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self.offmychest
|
TW: Childhood Sexual Abuse. Again, TW: Childhood Sexual Abuse. Please be safe.
So here’s my situation. I come from a tight-knit, highly functional, loving and supportive, average suburban family. Two loving parents, two kids; no dog or minivan or picket fence, but the rest is a postcard. And no one has ever known that when I was fourteen I was sexually abused by my brother multiple times while I was sound asleep.
As a freshman in high school, I started crying uncontrollably, dropping weight unhealthily quickly, acting out in ways I never had, and my previously excellent grades dropped through the floor. Rather than observing that this sudden change was an almost surefire indicator, my well-meaning parents figured I was “having a rough time adjusting to high school” and had me put on lots and lots of medication for depression and ADHD. No therapy, no follow up, just lots of pills that made me sweat and sheared off my highest highs and lowest lows from a doctor with coke-bottle glasses and a bow tie; he had refills upon refills for me, but did absolutely nothing to help. I remember him so well. If any family member, teacher, school counselor, therapist, choir director, youth group leader, Girl Scout leader, or stranger on the street had ever asked me what had happened, I was ready to tell them, but no one ever did.
.
So now it’s sixteen years later, and my family is still highly functional and tight knit, and every time we gather as a group, I am there with an abuser with whom I hold hands to say grace at dinner, and grittingly hug as we greet and depart. I have watched my brother the “quiet introvert” who has “not great social skills” because he is “shy” drop out of and then re-enroll and graduate (much to my parents’ pride and joy) from college, find a great job, excel in his music career, buy a house, marry a beautiful woman and have a beautiful baby daughter. I stood beside him at his wedding because he asked me too. I waited and waited for any indication that my sister in law knew who she was marrying. She didn’t.
.
Here’s why I bring all of this up. It seems that some therapy and (if I’m reading the timing right) #metoo has gotten the best of his guilty conscience, and after half a lifetime of unapologetic silence, he has decided to come out of the woodwork and ask to start a dialogue with me. Not for it’s content, just for it’s sheer existence, the email that he sent has dropped me. I waited a couple of days and sent him back a painful and vicious account of what my experience has been and told him that if he wants to do anything about it he can a) go to many years of therapy, and b) tell his parents.
.
And then he did. He dropped everything and drove a hundred miles to sit down with our parents and tell them. Everything. I think he may have even read my email to them.
.
It’s been three weeks, and I am living in hell. It’s like everything that I’ve ever buried has just newly happened, every single night. I am back in the end of eighth grade, crying on the floor of the bathroom because it’s the only room in the house with a door that locks. Every day, I’m experiencing nausea, sometimes vomiting. I’m putting on weight faster than anyone should. I haven’t done work at work in a month. I’ll sit in my car in a parking garage for hours and hours before being able to turn the key. I’m sleeping twice as much as usual but am still always, always heavily exhausted. Sometimes I’ve fallen asleep in bed fully clothed with my shoes on, and last night I found myself sleeping on the floor in the middle of my living room. My neck and shoulders hurt debilitatingly. I’ve started to refer to my near-daily occurrence of “scream-crying”. My vision is in and out of blurry or spotty and yesterday I made bacon and the sizzling sound hurt my ears like I was at the front row of a rock concert. I have wonderful friends and a job and a car and cats and an apartment. My life is okay. What the hell is happening to me?
My parents are trying, but the worst thing in the world I can think of right now is words of comfort and assurance that it’s all going to be okay--that millions of people over the whole history of time have had experiences like this and healed from them (thanks, Mom). I have a therapist, and she is very nice and was very helpful earlier this year working with me while I prepared for and recovered from ending a four-year relationship with a manipulative and controlling partner (that’s a whole other post), but now dealing with this new revelation, she is utterly ineffectual. I have cancelled my last two appointments with her; it’s not worth it. I’ve started calling psychiatric practices, and have gotten hard nos or non-responses to my first fourteen (actually fourteen) attempts, but I guess that’s something I’ll keep working on. It turns out lots of people need help and psychiatrists are busy.
I think I’m writing all of this down and putting it here just to see if anyone has ever felt like this? Does any part of this story resonate in any way with anyone here? I feel helpless. I feel empty. I feel so completely alone. I’m just trying to find help and stay alive and right now that is a battle that I am taking hour by hour. Would you be willing to talk to me? Or lend any suggestion or wisdom for anything I might be able to do next? Intellectually, I think I know that someday things will feel different, and that time does, somehow, heal, but right now I can’t feel it. I just so desperately want it to be over.
.
.
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self.depression
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I wish I was with her instead, and I feel like shit [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I don’t open up to anyone because I’d rather keep the mystery than they finding out how uninteresting I am.
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self.depression
|
I've been dead for I cant even remember how long at this point I just haven't gotten to the point yet. Xanax makes times not exist. Quit everything hardly leave bed just bought a metric ton of xanax and I've been floating through time and life somehow for i dont even know how long. I couldnt handle the pain everyday. It's been so long, I'm jus tired and want to die. I guess xanax is like killing myself without the commitment. But it'll run out eventually.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I wish I just never met her Well this is going to be very long but here goes. I started talking to my now ex girlfriend November of last year. I had had a crush on her for quite some time before then. We started talking and hanging out, and it was really great. We then started dating in January, I just had really strong feelings for her and I loved just doing anything with her. It was all going well through February, but once March came around things were different. She didn't really seem to enjoy hanging out with me anymore, and when we talked on the phone she didn't seem interested anymore. I finally asked her about it, and she told me how she didn't feel like she could give her all to anyone because she had severe depression. I was aware she had depression, and I wanted to give her the space she needed. The night we had that talk, she told me how this was only going to be temporary, and that she wanted to be together again. She even said she loved me. But in the meantime, she said she still wanted to talk everyday and all that.
Things were never the same after that night. I would ask if she wanted to talk, but she would always say she was busy, she went to school in Atlanta and I went to school an hour and half away. A week after we had that long talk, she told me how she just wants to be single in college for a while. I was heartbroken, but she said how she still wanted to be friends. I guess looking back on all this I was in some pretty serious denial. But our "friendship" consisted of us talking maybe once every two weeks. It would hurt me everyday, thinking about how much I missed her and I would see her on instagram or snapchat having a great time with her friends or something like that. One day I even told her that what we were doing was too hard for me and I think I should just move on. She said how she still wanted me in her life, and if I wanted to talk more we could. I felt bad potentially abandoning her when she was going through this, and I also felt like maybe she still wanted to make it work eventually. But even after that, nothing changed. One day, I asked her to coffee, and then she told me how she was dating someone else. Two months after she said how she didnt want to do this anymore, and that she wanted to be single in college, she now tells me she has just recently started dating someone.
We didn't talk again until this October. I heard through a friend that she and the other guy broke up back in september. I thought, foolishly, that she wanted to be with me. I eventually told her that I still have feelings for her after all this time, but she said it wouldn't work. A few weeks after that I find out that she is dating a new person.
I still haven't gotten over her, and I really want to. I know she'll never want to be with me. Whenever I look back on everything that happened, I just get so upset and wish she was just upfront with me from the beginning. I feel stupid for letting it go on this long. I also really miss her. And I've never been great with girls, she was my first everything, and well I'm 20 but I don't know if I'll ever meet someone like her again. It just hurts me thinking that I had something really special with someone I really cared about and now I miss her so much, and I'm here heartbroken over her while she is off with some random guy.
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self.offmychest
|
no motivation/passion for anything anymore back in middle school, I had dreams and aspirations and I wanted to become someone amazing, but now it's just all disappeared, and it fucking sucks.
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self.depression
|
I find poetry can express how I feel better than anything else. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Is anyone else starting to freak out a little over the upcoming work Christmas party season? I know it’s only November but ours is one month away, compulsory, I don’t know anyone and find it impossible to socialise :( [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I feel as it i'll never have friends, anyone to comfort, help again.. how to handle the rough phase I have went through? 2017 has been hard on me and I could use a consistent wise type to help me get past troubles, shame etc.. I'm bored, nervous, can't enjoy hobbies even because of my own issues e.g. health concerns, no energy, I don't eat right, bad habits, just a walking panic. Positive talk please
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self.Anxiety
|
Mixed episode/ PTSD (possible trigger warning) - I am struggling to cope with losing relationship with best friend and psychologist I don't know if this is the right sub but I am so worked up right now I don't know where to turn.
I just saw my psychologist and we established I am probably having a mixed episode (paranoia, no sleep, anxiety, goal orientated) and have been suffering triggers to my ptsd.
A major trigger the past few days is that my best friend and main support has started dating an abusive guy again who apparently raped her afew weeks ago. I have been a victim of rape and controlling partners and tried to be strong on new years when I had to see them both but it really affects me. My psychologist said to let my best friend know I need to keep my distance at the moment because the way this guy acts towards me and her triggers me but my friend is also my main support and i also want to be there for her when shit goes bad again but don't know how because I'm getting so unstable myself.
To make my day even worse at the end of my session my psychologist let me know she is moving across the country and now I need to start from scratch with someone new. She has a colleague who will see me for free but I feel like I'm going backwards. I stopped taking meds months ago, therapy is my main treatment and it will be completely disrupted.
I've lost 4kg this week because I feel the need to control something and it has been food. And now I'm losing my best friend and psychologist.
I don't want to burden other friends with my problems. But curling up in a ball crying isnt helping either.
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self.bipolar
|
The loop Seriously stuck in depression and self attacking loop. Everyone please say a prayer for me. I'm going to try to change this week
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self.depression
|
I wish i wouldn't have to worry about being lonely and just enjoying school. So,I'm in the 11th grade now,repeating it because of just pure fucking laziness and being stupid.But there's nothing that can be done now.
So I have a problem where sometimes I'll talk to people in class and have conversations and then other days I'll just be too shy and won't want to talk to anyone.Whenever teachers or girls talk to me about anything I turn red and just feel so small because I can't do anything to overcome it.
And then there's interval time where I just won't know what to do.I have some friends that were in my class as well but they are now in the final year and I keep getting anxious of what will happen next year when they leave.I'll just be sitting alone with nobody.
I've never enjoyed school,I've been sent to Psychologists and by force because my mother would start to get sick/worry about what I'm doing.She has a job where if you make a mistake you basically have to pay the amount you can't find from your own salary and she told me not to give her grief because of that.
I keep telling her not to worry about me but she won't,she'll constantly say she's always praying for me and hoping that I finish school as soon as possible.But now,since I'm repeating I'm feeling more shit than ever and I have no idea what to do and who to talk to.This post might not belong in this sub,but I'd like to see what I can do to overcome being an introvert and being shy.
I don't know why but I just started crying while writing this :/
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self.bipolar
|
My body feels scared most of the time. I'd never experienced intense anxiety before, but after a really rough patch of depression suddenly it's hitting me like a train. Even if my thoughts are relatively calm and together my stomach is in knots and my heart rate is elevated from pretty much the moment I wake up. It's starting to get to the point that I'm struggling to do things like going to work and talking to people. I was wondering if anyone here had had a similar experience or had any techniques for reducing the intensity of these prolonged attacks?
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self.Anxiety
|
I have been planning it for so long it seems surreal Many would say my problems are of the kind that is often labelled to belong to first world. I am a relatively well-off girl in her twenties, fluent in English in addition to her two native languages; I've got a good science degree from abroad, have worked at nice clean jobs, never had to wander looking for food or shelter. Yet, I also grew up in an abusive household, I am a lesbian in a homophobic country, I have nine years of being diagnosed with depression under my belt, and lately I have resorted to cutting myself with razor blades after five years of being clean of that addiction.
I can't really say I don't have a support network. My mother is there for me to ask for help, and in the past couple of months I grew really close to a guy friend of mine — he and his boyfriend started feeling like platonic lovers to me. More than once have I written and called to that friend of mine (who is depressed himself, yet seems to be doing better than I) in the middle of the night, bawling, smoking next to his apartment building, asking for him to just take my belongings and forget me forever while I run far away and vanish.
More than once has he grabbed the blades from my hands and forbidden me to use them. More than once have I promised to him to not do anything stupid — the way he phrases it is if I do, he will be left with a huge hole in his heart.
I don't really know why people around me still grab my arms and don't let me go. I begged for them to not waste their time on me. I guess I am just writing this right now to remind myself how pathetic and annoying I must be.
No amount of therapy helped me so far, and I am not getting better on antidepressants. If you are curious, random redditor, I am due to see a new psychiatrist tomorrow in the afternoon, but something tells me I won't live up to that expectation.
I made a huge load of plans up until the end of December, but I am finally deep enough in my depression to just not care. I never thought my goodbye to the world would be an anonymous post on Reddit.
Sorry for being dramatic. My friends and family used to tease me a lot about this flaw of mine. I'm glad they won't have to deal with it tomorrow.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I was going to kill myself tonight but as I made the noose I chickened out [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't know what to do I'm going to post this in two sub reddits, because I don't know what kind of answer I'm looking for. I'm also not going to use a throwaway.
I guess this really started about 15 years ago, but what has prompted me to write this happened about a week ago. I will start with the back story, which isn't really necessary for you to read - you can just skip to the recent events section if you want. I will try and make this as short as possible.
I am depressed. Bipolar disorder 1 according to my psychiatrist. I've attempted suicide twice. When I was little I was pretty violent. One day someone taught me a lesson by smashing a rock into my forehead and that seemed to change me into a more passive person.
That was in another country - I'm a foreigner. My mom and I moved to the U.S. when I was in fourth grade. I wasn't very accepted. People picked on me and made fun of me. It caused me to isolate. This continued for years. I did manage to make a few friends, but we didn't really hang out much - so I'd really say we were acquaintances.
I learned something about me in middle school; my mom brought me to the US unlawfully. As a result, she didn't want me in trouble for fear of deportation, so I never fought back when people bullied or hit me due to my previous history with being incredibly violent.
Fast forward to ninth grade, I started pushing back against my bullies, and - as it turns out - they left me alone. I was still depressed though. I couldn't concentrate and I was incredibly lonely. I just played computer games at the library or at home once I finally got a computer. I did terrible in school and didn't graduate until 21. At some point in high school I attempted suicide by laying in the middle of the road waiting for a car to run me over. People managed to stop in time and I got Baker acted.
In my last year of school I started talking to a girl that I always saw waiting by herself to be picked up. I don't know why I started talking to her considering I was very anti social. I started waiting with her until she got picked up. She appreciated me waiting with her. I'm going to go through this part really quick because I don't like thinking about it at all. We talked a lot and became best friends.
In the middle of this, the then president passed something called DACA that allowed me to work. Helped my depression a lot for a while.
Eventually she made it obvious she wanted to be more than friends, but I was too blind to see it, plus I don't think I wanted to see it; I didn't want to deal with love. A year or so of clear signs of affection were ignored by me. Eventually she made it impossible for me to not acknowledge what she wanted and give in to it. I let her know I didn't trust myself to be in a relationship, because I didn't think I was socially fit to be in one, plus it was hard to trust my heart to anyone considering all the messed up relationships I witnessed in high school. I made her promise we would always be friends.
Fast forward a few months into the relationship, she had me pick up her ex and she invited him to tag along on our date. She basically talked to him all day and night and I was just a third wheel. From there she just wanted to hang out with me less and less, even though she had me change my work schedule to hang out with her more. I basically saw she was just using me to buy her things and that was pretty much it. I didn't want to believe it though. Anytime I wanted to talk to her about it, we'd just have sex and she'd go home. Eventually I got tired of it. Made it pretty clear that I thought she was avoiding me and didn't want to be around me anymore. I wanted to have a serious talk with her. It was then that she needed time alone and we never spoke again. I was immensely heartbroken. So much do I attempted suicide a second time.
I did have another friend at the time, my best friend now - and even then was really my other best friend. She was my emotional support that prevented things from getting too bad for me.
Recent events:
Here's the real problem. DACA was cancelled and I will not be able to work in late 2018. That is a major stressor for me, because I will lose everything I've worked for if Congress doesn't pass something.
Although that is a big problem, it's not what's prompted me to write this post. One of my friends recently attempted suicide after getting in a car crash and totaling her car. We weren't really close, but I still considered her my friend. I immediately went to the hospital after work, at midnight, to keep her company, because I knew how she must be feeling. At this point in time my heart was incredibly hardened. I wanted absolutely nothing to do with a woman for the rest of my life. And I never wanted to feel anything intimate for anyone ever again.
During that hospital visit though, I learned things about her and she learned things about me. Turns out we have a lot in common. Similar taste in music, life experiences, problems.
While we were talking she asked me if I was comfortable in my chair. I said yes. She said I should lay next to her on the bed. I said I was okay. I now know this was a mistake, because my friends made that VERY clear to me. Anyway, we talked a bit more and she asked me to sit next to her on the bed. I said okay and sat next to her. She rested her head on my shoulders and, at that moment, almost every defense I had put up against feeling anything for women again went down. I was scared. We talked for a while more and she asked me to lay down next to her. I was terrified and I didn't know why, so I said I was okay once again. We talked some more... She asked me again. Just like before I said yes the second time. For 5+ hours she snuggled against me while I laid there awkwardly. I should have put my hand around her, but I didn't - it didn't occur to me.
I stayed there all night and morning until she was taken to an inpatient hospital for mental illness. I went home and realized my own mental illness was intensifying.
I visited her every day during all visiting hours and took her home and got her a rental car. I would do any of these things for my close friends - I have done these things for my close friends - the problem is I felt a connection with this woman. I didn't want to feel the emotions I was feeling, because they hurt. They give me nightmares and make me uncomfortable.
I... don't know what to do with these feelings. I am too mentally ill to handle affection and desire for companionship. I just want to be a loner without feelings for another because it makes me vulnerable and I don't like that. I am overwhelmed by these emotions and any progress I was making to being stable has been wiped away by this event. I'm in panic mode. I don't know what to do and I feel myself spiraling like I did both times I attempted suicide.
tldr; friend got in a car crash then attempted suicide. I spent all night with her at the hospital and got close to her. It appears now I have strong feelings her that I don't want because I'm too mentally ill to handle them. I don't know what to do.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I saw her again, she looks happy My ex broke up with me 4 years ago. Ever since then my optimism has never came back. I tried everything to make her happy even at the expense of my own happiness. I didn't see it coming she broke up with me out of the blue to chase other guys and girls and rubbed them in my face like every girl I ever dated. Ever since then I've hated not only her but myself for thinking love existed. It cause me to fall into a deep depression that made me physically and mentally ill for 3 years up until this year.
Our school is opposite to the Street of mine and in hopes of her not seeing me I've become a sort of a hermit in my own home. Sometimes when I look out my window I could see her smiling, laughing, having the time of her life while I'm inside, stuck. Just recently I caught her laughing with her best friend just out my window because it was so loud. And everytime I see her it makes my depression worse then it already is. Anyone relate?
|
self.depression
|
The worst night of every year Halloween is bad because you get to see how much of a loser you are and how lonely you are. You get watch all night in agony, the stories and post of others having fun that you will literally never experience.
Birthdays are bad because no one cares enough to remember. Not as lonely necessarily, but disappointing. You are a certain age, you should have certain experiences and skill, but you don’t. You should have accomplished something in an entire year, right? No, you are a worthless and pathetic waste of energy. Someone should really kill me, because all I am is a waste.
Tonight I get the suffering of both those holiday is one night. I spent a whole week without crying, I spend almost 2 weeks without cutting. That’s gone now. I really really wanna just end it. I have the note in the desk drawer.
Either way, lots of my blood and tears will be shed tonight.
Happy New Years
|
self.depression
|
Please read this 17, male I'm asking is anyone here like me. I have no friends, when Im in school I always sit alone and no one ever talks to me. I feel like im a ghost. I don't talk to anyone either. I always wear all black clothes and a black jacket, long crazy hair. I know people look at me like I'm juliet sykes from (BEFORE I FALL) movie. (My favorite person from that movie by the way.)people talk about me here and there, people throw stuff at me, like pennies, pencils, etc last week I was in the gym for a pep rally or something and someone throw a pencil at me it hit my head but I ignored it. Sometime I wonder why do I still come to school everyday. Please don't tell me to go to the consular because I already went and that was a mistake because it made every worse. I sometime see my self ending up the same way juliet sykes was.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My coworker is oblivious to the reality of an active shooter situation. I'm frustrated and I think her attitude could get her killed. I work at a government library in a courthouse, and yesterday we had building-wide training for an active shooter situation. Being that we are a publicly accessible part of the building, the library staff is most likely to see these people first, and we are the first open doors straight back from the main entrance. Apologies if this sounds dramatic, it just seems like a thing that could really happen so I'm taking it seriously.
The trainers spent a lot of time on the statistics: shooters will try doors until they find an unlocked one. Their goal is to kill as many people as possible before someone can take them down. Most active shooter situations are over in an average of 5 minutes, meaning police response will be the state trooper already assigned to the courthouse followed by anyone else who can get there in time. i.e., don't expect much immediate help once the first shot is fired. Also, they usually end in the shooter's death. There was much discussion of the fight/flight/freeze response and how to choose what to do. And more, like showing any police forces your empty hands so they don't mistake anything for a gun and shoot you.
The basic principle they instilled is self preservation. If a shot has been fired, there is no time for anything but getting yourself safe. Like in an airplane, put your own oxygen mask on before assisting others! They even told us to run away from injured coworkers because it's easier to treat one injury/body than two. The most helpful thing in an active shooter situation is to *get out ASAP.*
Today we reviewed the training by department, and I discovered that in my team of 6, Karen (name changed) doesn't seem to have a grasp on what an active shooter situation would be like. Part of me is worried for her, but I also don't really like her and I think she's kind of crazy, so I find this more frustrating than worrying.
We reviewed where the nearest exits are from our work area. Karen asked if we should try and get everyone together before getting out of the building. NO, KAREN, that is explicitly not what we were told to do by people who specialize in safety when it comes to active shooters in a government building. I am not waiting for you if bullets are flying. Specifically she was worried about members of the public using the library, which is a fair concern, but also...we only work in the back room. We're never around patrons and we won't be in a position to save them in this kind of situation.
She asked if we should take the elevator or the stairs. Karen, if you're being shot at, don't fucking wait for the elevator. How is this not obvious?
When we were looking at the location of the panic buttons in the library, she asked if the responding officers would try to talk to the shooter.... Karen, *no,* they will not. *BECAUSE HE'S ALREADY SHOOTING.* Now, Karen is a total compassionate hippie to a fault. And while I'm a bleeding heart liberal, and I agree that some sort of intervention could save a shooter from committing his crimes, it's fucking stupid to think that the time for that is *while he's shooting at you! HIS GOAL IS TO KILL HE IS NOT GOING TO STOP AND TALK!*
Then when we were discussing the best places to hide (FYI microfiche is really hefty and the amount of it we have could potentially be bullet proof) Karen said we could hide under our desks. WE ARE EXPOSED THERE, GOD KAREN YOU ARE SO STUPID. She also couldn't grasp that the door on the copy room could not lock because it has no handle and is a swinging door. The more I think about it, Karen is just a moron when it comes to common sense things.
She also suggested spraying the shooter with the fire extinguisher, but I'm not confident she's ever used one herself...I don't think she realizes how little that would slow down someone with a gun in your immediate vicinity whose only goal is to kill.
I don't think she realizes at all how dire the situation is if a person is armed and firing inside a government building. She doesn't understand that someone who's committing a shooting is already too far gone, and it's going to happen so fast that the only thing you can do is save yourself and hopefully get to a phone and call 911. If we're ever in that situation, and I pray we're not, she's going to act foolishly and get herself killed.
|
self.offmychest
|
Not a new idea, but I'm up till midnight most nights anyway so if anyone needs to chat I will be here probably. I like hockey, computers, gaming of every kind, music, dogs, and I love helping people. I have had anxiety all my life and I've seen a few doctors and therapists so hopefully I'll be able to help. Although I'm not really here to be a therapist I guess lol, I'm just here to talk to, vent to, or just take your mind off something. I'm not saying I can't be a therapist it's just my help there will be limited, just so you're warned ;). I can talk on Reddit or Twitter. Don't need any personal info, but that's up to you what you want to tell me. Again, this is not an original idea I'm sure. I sit there and play video games pretty much all day so I would love to have someone to talk to or maybe help to make me feel like I deserve a spot on this earth :)
Edit: sorry for the late responses, Reddit just decided to stop giving me notifications lol
|
self.Anxiety
|
Despite the fact that i want to get help, i'm terrified of the outcome. (Random thought in the night, so bear with me.)
I've had anxiety all of my life. This means that if I went to therapy and/or if I got on medication, I'd start to live in a way that I've never experienced fully. This thought scares the living shit out of me. It's like if you had the chance to correct your eyesight after being blind from birth. You'd have to learn how to function in this world all over again.
I know that it'll be worth it whenever I get the chance to finally get help, but the thought of not having that pit in my stomach and not having racing thoughts in every waking moment anymore is so foreign. Would it be like losing a part of myself? Would I mourn that part of my being?
Could it even be possible to function without anxiety?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I feel really awful on putting my body through such severe anxiety It has to be very awful
|
self.Anxiety
|
Today is one of the harder ones Hello everyone..
Today is just one of those days I can’t see the hope or the “light at the end of the tunnel.” I just keep replaying the same negative thoughts, the same self hatred, but today I feel powerless to stop it, or distract myself.
I feel so boring: none of my old hobbies attract my interest. I feel like I suck at everything. That I have no skills or talents. Plus, when I get this way, it doesn’t matter how good or bad I am at something. I can’t even get out of bed without a huge fight.
I feel so unlikeable. I am so anxious all the time, and I feel like I come off rude or standoffish as a result. I want to make friends so badly, or talk to people, but I always catch myself doing the whole “don’t answer as soon as I notice your text or call so you don’t look pathetic,” and the “don’t say that, you’ll sound like an idiot.” to the point where I can’t carry out conversation. I feel like I can’t be myself because I don’t even like myself..why would anyone else?
I recently have gained about 10-15 pounds of fat, and on my body frame, that’s a lot. I feel atrocious, and go between wanting to starve myself and wanting to eat and eat and eat.
My temper has been so fragile recently. The smallest things set off a bomb in me, and I feel so alone because I withdrawal to avoid hurting people around me when I get like this. I can’t justify treating people like shit just because I’m having a depression flare up.
I get so paranoid that the people I do have, my husband and in laws, don’t actually like me. I feel like they just feel trapped or obligated to say nice things. I feel like this about pretty much everyone, because I can’t comprehend how someone would ever see me positively.
Sorry to bother you all, but I can’t seem to explain these feelings to anyone else..I just want someone to make me feel like I’m not insane. Or someone to understand and know that it can get better. Today just feels like it never will.
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self.depression
|
Anyone else have a flakey therapist? My therapist is always canceling or needing to reschedule. She’s needed to do this 3 out of the last 4 appointments and countless times before. This reallly triggers me as it throws a kink in the whole rest of my schedule. Sorry, just pissed and have nobody else to vent to then strangers online.
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self.depression
|
Are these reliable generics? Now I have had terrible generics that are basically just sugar pills, and I have had great generics that work like an absolute charm. For example, I was on Mylan diazepam and it didn't do anything at all to relieve my anxiety, then when I got Teva diazepam I felt calm and way less on edge.
I just switched from a Walgreens to a Jewel Osco pharmacy, due to bad service at Walgreens. They were given specific instructions to order certain brands of medicine and they never followed through or cared. They were confronted many times by me, my doctor, and my family and they still never ordered the right brands.
I mainly switched due to them having the sugar pill diazepam and a defective Wellbutrin XL generic made by Actavis. Gabapentin was the only thing that was working and that was made by Amneal. I take all these to help stabilize Bipolar Disorder and GAD.
With that out of the way, Osco said they had Doctor Reddy for the bupropion and Northstar for gabapentin. Are they well-made and dependable versions of the medicines or should I ask them for something different? I have been told Sandoz and Watson are both great for Wellbutrin XL/bupropion XL generics. I am happy with the Teva diazepam, miles better than Mylan. I have no idea about what are good and bad gabapentin generics. All I know is that Doctor Reddy is from India and Northstar did have some recalls.
If Doctor Reddy for bupropion and Northstar for gabapentin are bad choices, then what are some recommended brands I can request?
And before I get people ranting on about how all generics are of the same quality, no, they are not. Some have too much filler and don't release properly or are poorly formulated. I have experienced bad generics and they have only made things worse. I have had poorly made buproion XL make me manic and shitty valium that did absolutely nothing. Mylan bupropion is decent, ironically, although their benzos are crap.
The doses for better reference: bupropion XL 150mg, gabapentin 100mg, and diazepam 10mg.
|
self.bipolar
|
Has anybody had a hypomanic episode where they watch porn non stop? [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
I just carved Unhappy into my thigh. I don't even really know why, I've never self harmed before.
|
self.depression
|
I miss you like crazy. This is really stupid, I used to only read these but here I am writing one this time.
A few weeks we broke up. It's okay. I'm okay. Everything's okay.
I'm tired of pretending everything is fine. I'm broken inside. There are memories of you, everywhere I go, everything I do. Is it like that for you? Are you also pretending everything is fine? I mean I know we ended things mutually with no hard feelings but fuck is this harder than I thought.
It's so fucking bittersweet. I lost you but I gained so much more. Sometimes more bitter, sometimes more sweet.
I learned what a great support system I have. Her, him, him, and him. I'm doing great in school. Making connections with great people, investing in myself and in my future. I got my work published in the place I was telling you. I am growing closer to the people at the place and to work with them is one for my goals before I graduate. Soon I will take on your hobby since it compliments my field so much.
I got a perfect score on one midterm and a near perfect one on another.
You would have been really proud of me. I wish I could hear those words from you.
My underlings annoy me so much, but you know about that because of how often I'd complained to you. I have grown so much closer with them. Some even ask about you.
She and him keep me sane. I'm so happy to have both of them in my life. Us three together are the heart broken trio. He and I share the same outlet, poetry. I never got to share with you the haiku I wrote for you.
Sunshine on my skin
Feeling warm and feeling loved
You are my sunshine
But Sunshine, you're no longer mine. Slowly but surely do my gray skies recede.
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm bottling everything inside for X months and i'm hoping to snap, instead it's eating me
|
self.depression
|
Depressed friend is my depression trigger both me and my friend have struggled with depression since we were young and recently ive been able to move in a positive direction with my depression, i know how to manage it and ive had less down days.but everytime i see my friend they talk non stop about suicide and their depression and how worthless life is. and its become a trigger for me. i become more and more depressed being around them. they are talking to a therapist but other than that i feel like im their emotional sponge. we have been friends for years so there is no way i can distance myself from this person. but its been driving me crazy and has made me irritable and insensitive to their problems while also pulling me into a depression spiral. any advice?
|
self.depression
|
The Frick'n Holidays are here! Dammit!! Time to grease up the roof and barb-wire the chimney. Santa ain't landin here I tell ya.
There should be a place that can just put people in suspended-animation until the holidays are over. Your relatives can even come see you if they want. All happy in your sleep chamber.
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self.bipolar
|
My friends are excluding me from their group We meet each other every day and we all have the same classes. We used to be so close with each other but then it all kind of changed because I got mad at one of them and they thought I was mad at all of them. We got along and eveything and I thought we were okay, but then I saw one day that they have a separate group chat without me (we have a bigger group chat with me in it, but it's basically dead now).
I've been helping one of them to get along and pass Math, and in the process I would also be helping other classmates. I figured out that they were only using me for their own good and that I got too attached to them.
Of course I kind of feel fucked up and shit. I think I've been too toxic for them and all that stuff... And now I feel bad about myself. I just feel like they'll be happy without me and that I need to work on myself by being alone.
I can tell that they don't treat me the same way before not only because of that group chat, but also they seem to be happier with just them (whenever I see them they have fun and all of that and if I talk to them they are uninterested and would just roast me).
Now, I wanted to distance myself from them but I figured out that hanging out with other people in the classroom would only make it worse (I would see them everyday and they'll be happy without me and I'll just cry in a corner)
My parents know all about this and we've agreed to let me transfer to another class (different time and place from what we have now) but we're still waiting for the school's decision. I've heard several advice from my other friends (from other schools) and that they support me in my decision.
What I'm scared of is that what if my other classmates who treat me as friends would get all angry at me for transferring for such a petty reason. I don't want my separate-group-chat friends to know that I know about their group chat and that I'll transfer because I was too toxic to them. But I also don't want my other classmates to just know all about it.
I don't plan on telling them before I make my decision because it would get worse for me.
I just want to leave them in peace because I believe they'll be okay without me. But I really don't know what to do, Should I reconsider transferring to another class? Or should I just leave them to be and fix myself?
EDIT: I knew about the group chat several months ago and I remembered looking at it on my friend's phone and he just laughed it off and said that it "was a group chat with just the three of them" in front of my face. Like it was nothing.
EDIT: I just got the courage and explained to one of them that I would stay away from them for a little bit, and he just replied me with "ok" three times.
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self.Anxiety
|
Not married, no kids, no presents for me. Ever, apparently, I'm almost 50 and fat and ugly. The marriage/kids thing is not going to happen.
I'm a teacher and I like seeing my students succeed. I bought my own house and paid off my own car.
Over the years, I have spent thousands on showers and wedding gifts and kid showers and birthdays and bar/bat mitzvahs. On Christmas, I get all the kids presents, plus my mother and aunt/uncle.
It just would be nice if my family celebrated something in my life. When I bought my house, I had a housewarming. My aunt and uncle, who are actual millionaires, got me nothing. My cousin, also a millionaire, got me a $10 rug. I gave her a $150 gift certificate after her last kid. My other cousin got me nothing. That's another $150 present for his wedding and a $500 plane flight.
My mom gave my sister and brother $5k toward their weddings. I asked if I could use that money for a new roof. Nope. Because she paid for fat camp for me when I was TWELVE.
Why is my life not worth celebrating once in a while? I'm the lowest paid person in my family, and I'm living on one salary. Why is my role to spend money on everyone else?
Sad and cranky. And my roof is leaking again, in two places.
|
self.offmychest
|
I saw a cat get killed by other dogs. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
My sister committed suicide, and I don't know how to stop blaming myself. Throwaway.
I didn't want to be messaging her, checking up on her, making sure she was okay, all the time, because I didn't want to drive her away. I sent her links and shared stories to know that I was thinking of her, but I didn't pry about what was going on in her life.
In the last page of her journal she wrote, "They say they're here for me and that life is worthwhile. But when they think I'm fine they leave me alone and make it so damn easy to lust after death."
Logically I know I shouldn't blame myself, shouldn't wonder what would've happened if I had probed more. But I can't stop doing it. Help.
|
self.depression
|
Wondering who can relate. Lately I think I've been able to put into words something I have felt for a long time.
I don't like to accept help about my depression.
I'm fine with help lifting, help navigating, help with work or social life. I'm fine leaning on others for support most of the time too. That said, I get an intense amount of anger when I think about letting someone help with my depression. It's 1 thing to try to change my current mood, it's another to try any long-term solution building or anything like that. I feel similar to betrayal. I feel like an old ex is calling me up asking for a favour and I want to shout down the phone at them.
I know why. I've always felt like my depression was invisible, and that nobody could see it but at the same time felt it was obvious and people just *weren't helping* I could see it all over other people it's so clear. The idea of the latter pisses me off. If you didn't want to help me then you can go fuck yourself now, I've proven I don't need your help and I've gotten this far. I'm coping now, instead of drowning and I feel I've got this mostly under control.
I did that. Me. Starting far too young than anyone should have to but I did it and it's led me here. Without anyone's help. And I'll do the rest of it too just fucking watch me.
I know the feeling isn't helpful. It's resentful, and bitter, and everything I try not to be. I guess this was kind of a vent, but I'm also interested if anyone feels the same way or similar.
|
self.depression
|
I don't want it to be 2018. Because my friend will never experience it. He already hasn't experienced a lot. He missed summer, and fall, and winter. He missed Star Wars and video games he was dying to play when they came out. He never got to pursue a welding career. He missed his 25th birthday. He'll never be older than 24. He'll never experience anything past May 2017.
His death was unnecessary. It was stupid. And every day that passes it means he's been gone longer. Like it matters less. But it doesn't hurt less. People keep saying he's in a better place, that he's not in pain anymore. But I just think he's gone. I wish I could but I don't. I just think he's dead. That he experienced his last moments and thoughts half a year ago. And then that was it. He'll never add anything else to the world or meet new people. Or go the places he wanted to go. For him, that's it.
|
self.offmychest
|
My own delusions When I'm in an extreme manic or depressive state, I think ridiculous things about myself.
When I'm manic, I think that anything is possible for me. I have thought things like being able to join the Air Force and become a pilot after improving my vision, getting into an elite college easily, competing in the Olympics, and becoming a professional opera singer. But perhaps my biggest delusion of grandeur was being well-known and well-liked by everyone around me if I tried hard enough, and that was when I became a representative for a company. I got only 10 people to sign up (10, at least that's something) and made no money from it. Not to mention that the Air Force would instantly reject me because I had been hospitalized for mental health four times.
When I'm in a depressive state, I think I have no reason to live. I thought that I was a waste of my parent's money (well, neither of my parents have much money anyways), a waste of everybody's time, and nobody would miss me if I died. And when I was in a mental hospital for the third time, I was humiliated. I thought my career was gone, I was a bad student, and no man would want to date me. And my psychiatrist told me that no one would want to be around me if I were so negative. He's half-right, but by God I thought he was a total ass for making me feel even worse when I was at my most vulnerable state.
The way I chose to manage my mental health was challenge my own delusions through life experience. I transferred to a different college that treats mentally ill students like people and not threats to the community. I only seek help from people who either know what they're talking about or are willing to listen to me. I avoid corrupt authority figures, like my administrative dean at my former college, like the plague. And I acknowledge everybody who heard my cries for help and listened to me, and seek people who are willing to understand me rather than let their prejudices run amok.
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self.bipolar
|
I want someone to care about me. I have this constant feeling that I am invisible to everyone else. When someone talks to me directly I feel so strange, in a good way though.
I feel extremely conceited for saying this, but I want someone, anyone, to tell me to my face that they think I have some kind of redeeming quality, or something that makes me stand out. I feel ugly, dumb, and talentless all the time. I am just mediocre at best when it comes to anything.
I wish that when I walked into a room, people noticed me. But they don’t, I’m always a ghost or a fly on the wall, whether I want to be or not.
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self.depression
|
I cheated. My wife never found out. I feel so guilty... Sure at the time it was a thrill, totally seemed to be a harmless instance too... But as time progressed it really started eating away at me. I should have told her! At one point I was almost certain she caught on when she noticed me looking at property in another area. When an argument got really intense at one point, we had to stay in jail for a night. Man, this really does feel good letting the truth free.
But still, I don't think I'll ever play Monopoly again
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self.offmychest
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First ever 22 year old who feels lost, what do? For the last year or so I've just felt like I don't really care about anything anymore, and I feel like I'm in a giant rut so to speak and I can't break out of it. I'm not really enthusiastic about anything anymore, and my grades (I'm in college) are dropping again and in danger of putting me on probation again. Usually I would see this as a challenge and want to do better, but lately I don't really even seem to care which is new for me. How do I care about shit I need to care about? I just feel incredibly lost. I have very supportive friends and family but I can't bring myself to ask them for advice because...well I don't know why. I put back on a ton of weight, and can't bring myself to lose it all again. I don't know if I need someone to tell me what to do or if I just need someone to tell me I''ll get out of this rut. I just don't know. What do everyone, what do?
Thanks for taking the time, I appreciate it.
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self.offmychest
|
Newly diagnosed, really afraid. Was just diagnosed to Bipolar 2 with psychotic features after my third hospitalization this year (thanks VA). Looking back and reading about this disorder it makes a lot of since, however I have destroyed my once promising life to get here.
I have lost my wife and children. I have had the inability to pick up the broken pieces of my life and try some chance of putting them back together.
Since my diagnosis, medication and treatment I am starting to allow myself to go thru the range of emotion instead of playing my mind tricks so that I didn't have to feel negative emotion. I really feel that I am starting to feel some emotions for the first time in my life (36 years old), and its extremely overwhelming. Im a dude and I have cried more in the past two weeks than I probably have in my entire life.
The truth is that my life is in such chaos and disorder that I dont even know where to begin. I will not lie to any of you, I am more afraid now than any of the time I spent in combat.
I am not suicidal, and I don't want to hurt myself, but how do I start? Where do I begin? Please someone with some experience offer me some guidance.
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self.bipolar
|
My schedule is overflowing right now. Don't really know what to do anymore. I wasn't getting enough hours at my last job, so I picked up a second one, and I am working both. Together, they amount to about 20-25 hours a week. This week I am working 30 hours, I have 27 hours of class and student teaching on top of that, homework and studying, and I just broke down and sobbed for half an hour. I feel pathetic, but I'm so overwhelmed right now. I haven't had a day to myself in over a month.
Technically, I am only taking 15 credit hours. However, I started student teaching this semester, and I am at the school from 8:30-3:45 on Thursday and Friday. Even though I'm there for about 14 hours each week, it only counts for 2 credit hours in my class schedule. So, I'm spending roughly 27-28 hours a week doing something for school. I also have to commute to both my university and the elementary school, and the commute eats up another 60-90 minutes of my day.
I'm frustrated. I had to pick up a film class and a weightlifting class just to meet my hour requirements to keep my scholarship. The lifting class isn't bad, and while the film class isn't hard, it's a three and a half hour chunk of time that eats up my Thursday evening. I work every other weekday evening, and most of the day on Saturday and Sunday.
I've been trying to squeeze most of my homework into weekend evenings and funky little half hour gaps between classes. Mostly Wednesday so I can spare some time on the weekends for my personal life, but that's been pretty limited as well. I've wound up just staying up really late some nights, and I've never been good at running on low sleep. I want to quit coffee because it probably isn't doing my anxiety any favors, but I don't know what else I can do when it seems like I'm a far cry from a regular sleep schedule. I asked to change my work availability at one of my jobs, and they cut three hours off my schedule next week. I think I'll try and have a longer conversation about it after next week.
But... yeah. I'm crumbling. Maybe I'm just feeling like this because I got about four hours of sleep last night and I feel like I'm going to collapse. Fortunately, I just finished typing a paper and can go to bed once I'm done rambling on here.
I'm a junior. I have three semesters left. I'm loving student teaching so far, but when it comes to school as a whole, I'm just kind of *done*. I want to skip to the part where I can go to work at 8:30, come home at 4:30 and just... have an evening. I miss being able to say "I'm bored".
This schedule is the cake, and there's some more icing on top of it. I've been having some relationship struggles, self esteem/depression relapses, and... well, general anxiety. I kind of feel like I'm just passing through time. I don't want to look at everything for the next to years and say, "Well, I just have to deal with this schedule for another _______, and then the good part will happen." I'm counting down. Counting down to when things change.
I'm having so many doubts about my future. Asking myself where I'll be in the next two, three, five years. Will I move? What's going to happen in my relationship? Did I pick the right major? Will I even get a job? Have I saved enough money? If I ask them to cut my hours (again), will I struggle to keep saving? Where will my friends be? My sisters? Am I doing what's right for me? Do I even know myself well enough to trust my decisions?
...
I'm gonna go to bed now. Maybe I'll get a full eight hours tonight.
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self.Anxiety
|
Part of me wants to do it either today or sometime this week I'm done with life. I'm failing school (dropped a class and getting a D in an important class). Every semester I tell my family I'll do better, but that's been going on for about 2 years now, and my motivation to succeed is long gone. I'm tired of being a burden on my dad who's been fortunate enough to pay for me and my brother's tuition. I can't waste his money anymore. My brother isn't a star student either. At least maybe my dad could use my tuition money for my brother in case he needs an extra semester or two.
I know my dad would hate me talking about him right now. For a long time now, my excuse for doing bad has always been my dad getting upset. But as I've gotten older, I realize it's not his fault. It's mine. I know that I'm smart. I'm just a lazy fuck. It also never helped that my mom pretty much encouraged my brother and I to place the blame on our dad. Yeah, he gets pissed, and him lecturing us on how we're lazy doesn't feel good, but it's the damn truth, and if I were him I'd get pissed at me too. He's gone from living in a car to a fantastic career. Yet, here's my family, putting blame on him.
It also doesn't help that he lost his job about a year ago, and he hasn't found another one. Sometimes I think that I should stay alive for him, but the thing is that he says that me and my brother doing well in school keeps him motivated to keep looking. I'm doing bad right now in school. Yeah, suicide might make it worse, but at least we'll have extra money (hopefully he will save it for my brother in case he needs more time to graduate).
Graduation isn't for me anymore. School isn't either. Me committing suicide might make my family's situation worse, but it will make my situation better.
If my parents ever read this: I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. It's all my fault. You guys did the best you could.
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self.SuicideWatch
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