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ouchey it hurts so bad
i want to end it all
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self.SuicideWatch
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Weekends are the worst There's nothing to distract myself on the weekends. I did spend time with friends Friday and Saturday, but the majority of the time I just sit at home and watch youtube or do some other dumb shit. I've been trying to quit drinking and smoking weed, but they really numbed the weekend away to make it bearable. Now I'm just a sad sap with nothing to do. I am trying to take up hobbies to fill the time but it seems pointless. The worst part is that I have had some really good days this week and I thought that maybe I was better. The depression is worse after I've felt genuinely happy for the first time in a long time. I've been overwhelmed with cravings for alcohol all weekend and I've been trying to get some homework done, but all I can focus on is wanting to drink. Maybe I should just get drunk to make them go away for a while.
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self.depression
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No one should have to suffer this much Waking everyday wishing I had just died in my sleep the night before as usual. Going to school come back home contemplate suicide once again. Sometimes take pills. Wake up in the morning once same thought process like before. It's the same thing over and over again it justvdoesnt end. I'm tired of doing this every single day, hating myself wishing I could just fucking end it all. Life is bullshit, it's like a movie that doesn't have a happy ending and it. Never ends. Life is basdically like the lottery. Finals coming up in 2 weeks I already know how I'm going to do on them. Don't give that stupid phrase/excuse " it gets better over time" clearly it doesn't no matter how ha rd I try no matter what I do it's always one step forward 20 or more steps back. I'm probably just going to off myself by the end of the year if not early next year. Honestly I can't take it anymore
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self.depression
|
Lack of sleep = anxiety level 10000 Currently sat at work after a few days not sleeping properly absolutely convinced that something bad is going to happen at some point today. Overthinking to the maaaaax.
I love being in my head sometimes...
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self.Anxiety
|
I’m awake yet I’m locked in a dream, is this a form of anxiety? I feel like I could potentially suffer from anxiety so this may have something to do with this but I am unsure, however, I went to the doctors a few months ago about my lack of sleep but they were extremely unhelpful and basically told me to buy over the counter sleeping pills which I am not comfortable in doing. I started using spray for pillows which is supposed to help you sleep and a herbal tea also but this didn’t help at all. I’ve tried listening to music but I need it to be silent because I’m such a light sleeper. When I do finally come to sleep at night I never seem to be able too, however much I try my brain never switches off and literally makes up continuous stories like a live dream, it’s nothing scary or bad just a life situation that could actually happen and I could actually be in, like being out at a pub with friends or something. It does usually include my actual friends / family, and more recently it has kind of continued from actual events from that current day, even though I’m actually in bed. Sometimes I do fall asleep but then I wake up in the same situation where I know it’s a dream and I’m awake but it won’t stop and however much I try to make it stop and get some real proper sleep I can’t. Does anybody have any advise or anything at all on this, any information will be really appreciated!
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self.Anxiety
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Is it a bad idea to get into a relationship before fixing myself? Is it selfish? I know I would be a much happier person if I'm being appreciated and loved more. At the same time, I feel like I'm using someone to treat my depression even though I am not doing it just to fix myself.
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self.depression
|
My therapist groomed me from the ages of 15-17 and used me for sex and I'll never forgive myself for letting him I was 15 and in a dark place when I met James (name changed). My mom has met him through work and told him about how I had been struggling. I had been lost my virginity to rape several months earlier by my boyfriend at the time and wasn't dealing with the trauma well. James was in his 50s with a wife and two daughters about my age. He worked as a security professional but was a therapist as a side job. He told my mom he thought he could help me. At first I didn't completely trust him and I sensed that something off about the whole thing, but my parents really liked him and I was forced to keep seeing him. He would come to our house to see me for 3-5 hour sessions every couple of weeks. Eventually I started to trust him. He would talk to me about my life, listen to everything I was going through, and make me believe that everything would be okay even though I was going through the darkest time of my life. I cried to him about being raped, how I felt like it was my fault, how my school was trying to blame me. He would hold me or have me lie on his lap as he stroked my hair. I didn't have anyone else, so eventually I accepted the attention and even enjoyed it. That's what makes me so sick about it when I look back. I blame myself because even though something inside me told me it was wrong, I still trusted him with my darkest secrets and let him into my life.
I thought he cared about me. He would text me all the time, bring me gifts, and take me out on his motorcycle. For a long time he didn't cross the line. My parents saw everything that was happening and never said anything so on some level I figured it was ok. I wanted it to be because without James I had no one. I had left my boarding school after being sexually assaulted there and was now being home schooled. I didn't have any friends except for James. Now I know it was all part of his sick, twisted plan to use me.
By the time James started raping me, I was way too far in to know how to get out. I was terrified to tell my parents because I thought they would think it was my fault since I always thought they blamed me for the first rape. I blamed myself so why wouldn't they? How was I supposed to tell them that I never tried very hard to stop him because I was scared of losing him?
I'm humiliated at how powerless I was during those last six months. Those are the months that come back to me in my dreams. I hated him but was even more terrified of living without him. Now it's been another three years since I last saw him but I still think about it and cry about it every single day. I still dream about him a few times a week. I don't think it's ever going to go away.
I hate my life and I'd do anything to go back in time and change things, but I can't. I just wish I didn't exist.
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self.offmychest
|
newly diagnosed. How do I repair relationships I was just diagnosed with bipolar I disorder and medicated. This came this week after the highest high (sorry, im still learning the terminology) followed by a low where I had to be hospitalized. My most recent "high" cost me my best friend and my boyfriend. I was unfaithful to him. As I go through treatment, therapy, and have a mood stabilizer, I am realizing how much this has completely controlled my life. I move forward happy there is an explanation for what I have been going through, but am devastated by losing my significant other. Does anybody have any advice for how I can repair my relationship with him? I want to continue to heal, but we are both hurting from my actions when I was experiencing mania.
Any advice or encouragement would be extremely appreciated. I feel very alone and lost with this.
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self.bipolar
|
My Anxiety Story Long word document here, no TL:DR. this is my story dealing with anxiety and panic attacks and how i got out of it eventually, decided to write it for everyone i know can read and understand what anxiety is and how horrible it can be. i probably missed some details from the story because my memory from that period is not the sharpest.
also maybe it could help you guys as well. feel free to ask anything!
https://drive.google.com/file/d/1EyvY1yQBzOpAigiz7XPKuOCT5-Slo6F2/view?usp=sharing
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self.Anxiety
|
I really want some whiskey. Scotch preferably. Please send some over. And then some more. Actually can I have it all...?
So I’ve been working on this thing. It is supposed to be a streaming service thing (think Netflix but a very specific service). I had this idea a couple of years ago. I cast it aside as a great idea that someone better than me will make happen. Then time passed and I was diagnosed and medicated and stable and this idea is still sitting there. So I talk to a friend and he says it’s a great idea do some research and let’s make it work. Time passes, I’ve been working in this nearly everyday for eight months. I meet up with him tonight to build our business plan so we can pitch and get money. I have a constant fear that I’m not going to be good enough so I have work more than anyone else because I don’t want to be caught off guard and be the one that didn’t work hard enough. So we are sitting at his kitchen table and I have my notebooks with my notes and research and I have my phone and am totally ready. I’ve read a ton of web stuff and a bunch of books and he starts pulling things together and saying we need to research this and that and I just flipped to different pages and reference what I’ve done, because I’ve already fucking done this research! And he is just working on the beginning and looking at websites for shit that I’ve already done and have previously shared with him some of my results. He’s started businesses before and I haven’t so I’m just going along. Last time we talked (a couple of months ago because of holidays) he said he had made a contact that might invest and set us up. Tonight he says that guy probably won’t invest but can maybe help us find an investor. So I feel like I’m back where I was two or three months ago because I have put in substantially more work than my partner has (in fairness he is crazy busy) and the money guy is gone and rather than planning a pitch to one person I have to rebuild my plan to pitch to multiple people.
I have done nothing with my life. I have accomplished nothing. There is literally nothing that can show I contributed something, anything, to this world. I’m 40 years old and I work in a dead end job at the mall. Twelve hours ago I was thinking “This is what stability is” a business plan coming together, building something, wanting to exercise and feel good when I do, making plans and following through with them. And now here I am at 1am stuck in my head wishing I could just sleep.
And I was going to ask out that girl tomorrow.............
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self.bipolar
|
Feeling extremely down and out. Does anybody want to talk? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Is this a form of anxiety? I'm scared of showing my true self to my family, I fear they will judge me or feel disappointed. I never give my opinion if I know it could offend them, I never listen to music without headphones because I don't want them to know what music I listen to (even if it's the type of music they like, I just can't). I always have my room door closed. I don't post anything on Facebook or any social media because I don't want my family to see it. I even made a fake profile account that no one knows I have so that I could post freely whatever I wanted. I can't buy the books, CDs or movies I would like to. I can't play the guitar at home because I don't want them to hear me. I can't ask them to buy me an electric guitar because I know my mom doesn't like the sound, and I don't want to be heard by them. I can't wear the type of clothes I like. It's like I hide everything. I just can't do it, I feel unable to do all of those things.
This only applies to my family, though. I don't care about what other people think, the problem is my family and especially my parents. Is this anxiety?? Or is it something else?? I searched on Google but can't find anything. I'm not sure what I have but it affects my life and I feel like I can't change it. I never had a panic attack, but I do feel fear when I think about doing all those things mentioned, when I think of my family knowing my true self.
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self.Anxiety
|
Job interviews are impossible for me Hey I'm 18 and out of high school, therefore I'm forced to put myself into an extremely uncomfortable position by family and get a job. For starters, I've never been diagnosed with anything but ADD as a young child; I'm almost for certain I have GAD though.
So far, I've had a few interviews. A few too many because I feel like the extreme stress and anxiety it gives me is not worth it. I had an interview last Friday, and from the time I got the call for an interview to the actual interview, I had extreme stomach pains and borderline panic attacks from anxiety and stress.
I practice so much in my head what I'm going to say. I have the perfect responses and everything. I tell myself, "all you have to do is follow it and you're golden, don't fuck this up."
On the day of actual interview though, I'm so anxious and stressed that a million thoughts are racing through my head, and they're not positive either. When I finally get in the room and say hello, I can't make small talk. Even worse, once the first question starts, my whole mind goes blank; I can't even recall my own birthday. I stutter over a few answers, I shake his and leave. Never get any offers for obvious reasons.
I feel like I'm going absolutely insane trying to figure out what adults do. All of my friends drive-- I'm too anxious to drive. All my friends have a job-- I'm too anxious to get a job. The cycle it seems never breaks.
I'll literally listen to any suggestions, I'm desperate.
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self.Anxiety
|
Reflecting on bipolar and relationships Hi everyone.
I recently started dating someone who was diagnosed BP I and is medicated. I'm new to this sub, so instead of asking something that has already been asked, I searched through some of the older posts about BP and romantic relationships. Some of them are uplifting, and others are absolutely heartbreaking. What I read has given me a somewhat clearer perspective, but it could always be better.
I have been around bipolar most of my existence--one of my very best friends has been in my life for 25 years and is BP II. I recognize the difference between the two, that BP affects different people differently, and that all relationships have some common facets regardless of their nature.
But I am curious. Is there anything you wish you would have known going into a friendship or romantic relationship? Anything you wish your friend or partner would have known? I'm lookong for perspectives from either side of the coin. I want to understand more thoroughly so I can be a better partner and friend.
Thanks for reading. :)
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self.bipolar
|
Got baited, and outsmarted at the club :( **TL;DR:**
* Saw a beautiful girl at the club, easy 10/10 for my tastes
* Had the balls to talk to her after a few drinks
* Her smile and mannerisms with me initially made her seem mutually interested
* Bought her and her friends drinks
* One of my friends was pretty excited, another was less interested
* Went for a second round of drinks, they ditched once I stopped looking
* Lesson learned: If you got past the first impression cue, you're golden, don't be afraid to try and get a bit more intimate, and don't take 15 god damn minutes to get a drink if you can honestly get a drink by just shoving yourself through the line. Pushing intimacy will always help you, you'll find out sooner if she's really interested in you or if you're just an alcohol fountain.
____________________________________
In Japan for vacation for the New Year season, ended up going to club AgeHa to drink and maybe find a girl. I'm out there with of my buds, we notice a REALLY pretty girl standing near us in line, she actually looked Korean to me, but beautiful nonetheless. We get into the club and by this point, I've been eyeing this chick for the past 30 minutes, I start asking my friends to hype me up. To loosen up we went to get a few drinks, got about 4 drinks in. I needed one last hype up though, my friend came back from the bathroom and asked why I haven't talked to her yet. 4 drinks in, 2 of them being red bull cocktails, I still felt too sober but I also don't have much experience when it comes to asking girls at the club to dance. He told me to just think about 'what can go wrong?' just try your luck, if she says no, it's no skin off your nose. So I took that, got myself one more shot, and went over to her.
I'm still sober at this point, maybe the tiniest bit looser. I start prepping all the Japanese openers I learned in my head. I go up to her and ask in english, "Excuse me, were you waiting for your friends?" and to which she smiled and said yeah. It was so easy! I asked her if she wanted to grab a drink, she agreed and we had a nice chat on our way to the bar. I was really surprised that she spoke really good english. In my head, I felt like the mo'fukkin boss, I scored a beautiful as fuck girl at the club that also doesn't look like one of those club thots, she looked decently modest. I was excited as all hell. I ask her what drink she likes, Gin is her fav shot so I go ahead with a Red Bull + Gin. Stupid me asked her how long her friends are going to take to get here, she replies that they're almost here, so I offered to buy their drinks as well. I felt like this was too nice guy a move and I should've just told her I had 2 friends as well and my friends can get them their drinks or something. So I buy 4 red bull gins, I'm $30 deep in this girl now.
Her friends come, we all drink and cheers together and talk a bit. Main girl 1 acted as the translator pretty much since her friends didn't speak much English and ONE (yes only one) of my friends was trying to get in on the action while the other was a bit uncooperative. So the girls start taking us around the club to see the venue since they told us they've come here twice before, we move in a arms-on-shoulder train and occasionally I had my hands on my girl's hips. We end up going back to the bar to get another round of drinks. Now this is the part where the big bait happened.
We're in line for drinks, it's 11PM now so everyone who's going to be here for New Years is here and trying to get loosened up, bar is packed. I kept trying to coerce my uncooperative friend to talk to his girl more since she kept popping out to see other parts of the club. He didn't want to. So I asked him to go ahead and get us drinks then or help us push through the line (since he's a bit of a bigger guy than us) and he did so pretty lazily. Anyway, I started asking the girls what they wanted to drink, my one other excited friend just told me he's going to bounce to the bathroom, I started counting change to give to my friend so he can buy us the drinks, right as I finish counting and turn, I barely see the girls get up and leave. Wow, they weren't walking fast in a hurry or anything so I thought maybe I just didn't hear them tell me that they were going somewhere. Unluckily enough, once I started to follow them a bit of a moshpit started between me and them and from that point I lost them.
Man, did that make the rest of the night just feel plain and dull :( I thought I scored for a second and I was decently interested in this chick too, and being international makes it pretty easy to just have a nice one night stand or just a nice grind fest and new year's kiss with no strings attached. Oh yeah, and I actually saw her later on in the night pulling some guy along with her two friends following her like her lackies, holding her bag and jacket. Girl was a shark.
________________________________
So, what have I learned from this? What do I feel I should have done differently to have helped my chances?
I honestly feel that I played too much of a nice guy role. Buying all of her friends drinks as well felt okay, I feel that was the smallest of problems, but I did avoid making too much physical contact with the girl since I didn't want to come off as a creep. Stupid me, if I already passed the first impression stage and got her and her friends drinks, she should be loosened/open enough to reciprocate, being a good amount of touchy would just accelerate the process of us either getting more intimate or her ditching because she just wanted free drinks and I wouldn't be left with a 'what if' thought. Also, probably can't always count on friends to help you out. Now, I don't know for sure that my friend's lack of interest and my other friend's timing on going to the bathroom made things not work out since after all, those girls acted like her lackies later in the night, but god damn do I want to blame that so hard. Again, I feel she was the shark of her friends, if I impressed her enough by getting her her 2nd drink fast enough or being a bit more intimate and talkative, ESPECIALLY since she spoke good english (god I'm so dumb), then I would have been able to keep her for the rest of the night, or at least until the club was over and she had to go back to her IRL responsibilities.
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self.offmychest
|
My bestfriend WARNING: This is me looking for advice, i haven't read the rules of this subreddit and i don't know if this is allowed. If i break any rules i'm sorry.
Only a few hours ago my best friend of 4 years told me he tried to kill himself a few days ago, i had noticed he was different over the past months but i didn't think anything about it because he's always been the loudest at the party kinda guy. I had a chat with him where i made him understand how much i care about him but i fear it's not enough, How do i keep him going? Any tips would help
Thanks
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self.SuicideWatch
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Thinking of committing suicide but can't bring myself to it. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I can't do anything I'm spiraling. I can't force myself to work. I can't force myself to exercise. I can't even write the post I wanted to write here.
It weighs too much.
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self.depression
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Bipolar 1 (6 years) and curious about your experiences with dreams. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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just wondering about my situation :) hey guys, new to this sub Reddit, and actually Reddit in general. I never thought I'd make a post like this, but things happen. I'm a happy person, I live a good life, but a lot of things are missing.
About a month ago, I had my first panic attack, and for a week after I was severely dehydrated due to vomiting, and could barely move due to my anxiety. I've had anxiety all my life, im 20 years old, but it's never been that bad. Things got better, I was recovering. Now, just recently, I went on a road trip, and during it I was getting really nervous, remembering my panic attack and was afraid it would happen again. That night while trying to sleep I had my very first suicidal thought, and it felt like I didn't even want it, it just happened. Now I've been having invasive thoughts of suicide, like when I'm unoccupied? Usually I love being alone, but now when I am I'm just scared of killing myself? I don't want to at all, but it's in my head for some reason. I've never gotten help for anything, and haven't even been to a doctor in ten years almost. But maybe I should change that and get help?
I'm fine, but it's really scary to keep having thoughts like this. Just wanted to know if I'll get better. Thank you whoever is reading!:)
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I have nobody. I don't feel like anybody truly cares about me. I just want to be someone's priority. Fear I may start cutting again. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I feel like I'm the most flawed existing human I know [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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My ex let one of the cats run away [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Everytime I get attracted to a girl i get sad. I remember the last girl i got attracted to and think "Look at that, she's so beautiful, sadly i know deep inside my heart that i won't get never a girl like that"
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self.depression
|
”Only you can change your life. It’s up to you to make that decision” I hear this all the time from everyone. Friends, counselors, therapists, you name it. I’ve heard it so much so it’s become annoying. Like, really really annoying.
The reason I became so miserable in the first place was because I took action when my life went downhill. I turned to everyone I could trust. I opened my heart so many times and what has that resulted in? My friends’ve deserted me, my studies are steadily getting worse and my mental health’s deteriorating from everything that’s happening recently, culminating in two half-hearted suicide attempts.
I’ll show them all that stupid decision they want from me, a dozen Panodils and a bottle of Scotch should do the trick. Maybe I’ll stop hearing that stupid phrase ever again that way... or so that’s how I felt until I wrote up to this point. It’s stupid but I have some regrets left that keep me alive for another day.
I wish I could’ve made a friend for life during my life. Someone who’d care. That’s all, I’d be able to die in peace afterwards knowing I was important to someone.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I honestly can’t tell whether 2017 has been the best or worst year of my life so far... I’m sorry if this seems kind of all over the place, I really tried to organize these thoughts, but it’s almost 3am so it’s a bit difficult and I just wanted to get this off my chest...
As 2017 comes to a close, I’ve been reflecting a lot on all of the things that have happened to me this year. I’ve had some of the best moments of my life, but at the same time I’ve dealt with some of the shittiest shit in my 19 years of living.
I’m not going to go into complete detail, but a major conflicting aspect of this year would be the 2 relationships I was in this year. These relationships were what created some of these best and worst moments. I’m not here to talk shit about them, despite both relationships were on again, off again relationships that ended really badly, I eventually noticed similarities between the two relationships, as well as similarities in personal patterns. I hope that makes sense.
I’ve been seeing a therapist for almost a year now, which has been greatly helping, but I still struggle with depression and anxiety. I’ve been working on how to deal with it and I’ve come to realize that how I deal with it has definitely evolved this year.
As mentioned earlier, I’ve been realizing many patterns this year that I’m trying to change because I’m really just trying to get my life together and stop dreading existing, y’know? One pattern brought to my attention is that I’m very self-sacrificing. I’ve sacrificed so much of my energy and mental health for other people, especially in these two relationships. I also realized the pattern in which I derived and depended on much of my happiness from other people, which I’ve learned is quite unhealthy.
I’m grateful to have had so many realizations this year. I know I have so much to learn and experience, but at the very least I’m trying to be proud of myself for getting out of 2 very unhealthy relationships with people I thought I was in love with, as well as cutting other toxic people out of my life. I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone or come across as selfish, but I’ve learned that sometimes you need to be selfish in order to properly love and take care of your self.
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self.offmychest
|
It’s diagnosis day! Waiting in the doctors office now to confirm my diagnosis. Wouldn’t be funny if I’m not bipolar even though I’ve already got through all the stages of acceptance and joined the subreddit. It’s only been a week but if I’m not bipolar, I’ll miss you guys.
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self.bipolar
|
Love Not really related to r/depression but don't know where else to post it.
Should I tell a girl i have feelings for her and I care about her even though iam pretty sure she doesn't feel the same way about me? So I have nothing to lose.
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self.depression
|
Being nice this year.. So far this year i've been such a better person mentally. I've set many positive goals, done things I never would have thought i've done. Im even started to curse less!
To be honest last year i'd talk shit about anybody, and anyone; even my own fucking friends. This year it has to stop, im going to say nothing but nice things, smile more, and be all around positive. I'm not going to be overly nice though, that's just sad. Any tips? It's becoming pretty hard not to say negative things about people, like it's just manifesting in my chest, and waiting to spit liquid acid at people LOL help me
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self.offmychest
|
Here I am again Yesterday was so good. Today is not so good. I'm in emotional pain. My thoughts keep pushing towards the darker things. They try to make me think no one cares about me and that I am a mistake. I'm so sad, yet numb. I'm crying. I'm in pain. I don't want to live, but that doesn't mean I want to die. I'm just so tired and dealing with this emotional pain is, well, painful. I wish I didn't have to be like this.
Emotional pain should go fuck itself.
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self.bipolar
|
Crushed My VR appointment went well. However I am crushed how long the process for employment will be. I feel so crushed and empty because I can’t live another painful day. I’m so hurt that I have to live through more pain to feel better, to get better. I’m so wiped and I basically feel like death.
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self.bipolar
|
Hanging myself tomorrow, can no longer bear the weight of my own patheticness I hate my life and I don't want to live anymore. School makes me beyond depressed, and I hate myself so much. I've been a failure my entire life at everything I have done, and I just want it to end. I will lie to my parents and tell them I am sick so I can stay home from school. Then when my mom leaves the house to get groceries I will hang myself via the long drop method.
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self.depression
|
I had it together for so long and now everything is falling apart... [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Afraid of having fun, end up behaving like I'm miserable. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Anyone else struggle with loss of reality? Really feeling out of it, like really dissociated.
I can’t live in the moment regardless of how exciting something is. I’m constantly in my mind. - Conversations are really difficult to have.
I sometimes forget other people live with me until I hear them and I’m like oh shit I forgot you were here. Dreams often they feel more real than real life. - More vivid and meaningful.
I just feel like my mind is elsewhere. I can’t engage with anyone or anything, haven’t drove my car in about a week because I can’t concentrate enough, just struggling with basics really.
I need a solution...I hate feeling like this.
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self.depression
|
ADD Inattentive and BiPolar II ... anyone else? Hi there,
I am 30 yo female who was diagnosed as ADD Inattentive in Highschool, prescribed all those study candies and made it through college (where I began binge drinking and smoking pot)... also had a bout of serious depression and started Lexapro, which lasted only about two years . I am very petite and was taking high doses of Vyvanse (70mg) and also Adderall (30mg tab) for studying. I had what I would call my first “episode” in college after smoking a bowl... fast forward to five years out of college and still taking Adderall and vyvanse and ambien, gained about 40lbs. I wanted off of that shit so I quit taking it and quit seeing my doc. When I didn’t have any left since I stopped seeing the doc, I became addicted to Benadryl (3 at night) just to sleep.
Anyway, I went on a trip and got some pot candy, and I got sick and then I was prescribed a 10 mg prednisone. That’s when the mania started, it was full blown mania for about 10 days, before I went to the hospital. I don’t remember everything but I was signing everything! I couldn’t stop, it was weird.
Anyway sorry for the long post, my new doc has me on Seraquel 200mg and vistiril along with a bunch of supplements (I am trying to get away from big pharma). My problem is now I am still very distracted due to the inattentive ADD, during work I don’t work and I’ll pick at split ends or google stuff that’s irrelevant. My new doc said NO to stimulants and even said I should not drink coffee. He also said I can do pot or alcohol but it is dis-inhibiting, so basically watch out. Now I am in a depressed state, and I should be happy.
My question to others is how do you deal with bipolar and inattentive add? It’s a tough combo but I am trying to take things one day at a time.
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self.bipolar
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My boyfriend deserves better (CW: Mental illnesses). Background: I suffer from depression, GAD, and OCD. I am also recovering from EDNOS, and both my therapist and psychiatrist suspect that I may suffer from PTSD because of some events growing up.
Anyways, I have the most loving boyfriend. We met our freshman year in college, and we are now sophomores. His apartment's a short walk from my dorm. Every day, he gets me to eat dinner and has been amazing at making me feel physically confident. I also haven't been purging nearly as frequently as I used to. When he doesn't know if I can keep myself safe, he has me spend the night in his room so he knows I can't hurt myself (he's a somewhat light sleeper and always wraps his arms around me so if I get up, he wakes up).
My boyfriend deserves more than this. It pains me that he doesn't think that he deserves more out of a relationship than what I could ever provide. He doesn't need someone who cries almost every night in his arms or someone who has trouble falling asleep because of anxiety and trauma.
Recently, when I was in a really good mood, we were lying awake and I promised him that I would never kill myself. I looked up, and he was crying. I hardly ever break promises; I even can't get myself to block my exes (even though two of them made physical advancements I wasn't ready for and invalidated my mental illnesses) because I had promised them that I would always be in full support of them. However, I think this promise I have to break. I just want my boyfriend to be happy, and if he's not stuck with me, he'll be able to get a girl he deserves.
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self.offmychest
|
Never felt this empty in my entire life I don’t want to be around. I am a financial burden to my parents, people would be better off without me. I have no future, so what’s the point. I’m just wondering :/
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self.depression
|
I have ruined my life, wasted the time & resources of people who cared for me.. I need to die [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Woke up this morning with weird chest “bubbles” that feel like heart palpitations? It’s been going on for few hours now and is freaking me out. I have been farting here and their so could be gas but I didn’t eat anything that has a lot of fiber these past few days, I do remember that I’ve been taking a lot of deep breaths two days ago and yesterday since I was worried I might have the flu and kept checking myself to see if I could breathe so do you think that could be some air stuck in my upper stomach\ chest area?
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self.Anxiety
|
Not sure how to title this. Honestly speaking, not sure how to title this. Or even how to start.
I guess it's good to start from the start. For the last several months, I've been with a new partner, after leaving my last relationship. It didn't end well, and since then, thing's have been a mixed bag. I've had good things happen (new partner is wonderful, a new pet) but the number of bad seems to outweigh it (losing a lot of friends, becoming a lot more socially reclusive, money issues).
What sort of pushed me to post this though, is how thing's have been going lately. I've been stressed as I'm renting a property, and paying for it while just about making ends meet. My partner is working as well, but it's not much and can only help a small bit. The issue is that the landlord has changed their minds about pets, and is making us move out in a months(ish) time. No where nearby that we can afford will allow pets, and it breaks my heart with the thought of being away from either of them because of housing issues. Luckily, I've no debt, but I also have no savings to speak of. I've worked since leaving school, have no qualifications aside of call center work, am terrified of losing my job and have nothing to fall back on. Most of my time is either spent working, or trying to destress and relax.
I feel like my life is going nowhere and all I can do is react. I'm trying to be proactive, and I'm trying to do what I can, but I just feel so defeated.
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self.offmychest
|
Anyone else want people to treat them like shit Idk why but I just want people to treat me terribly so I can feel worse
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self.depression
|
I feel like I'm so depressed that it's hard to even pretend to be happy Does anyone else feel this way?
|
self.depression
|
I'm walking down this road.. as far as I can see ahead, it's just more of the same.
All that's behind me, just more of the same.
What am I even walking for anymore?
Just because walking is what I do?
Just because it's what everyone does?
Occasionally I'll meet someone with a smile on their face along the way.
"Just keep going", they say.
What for?
Why is it so easy for other people to not give up?
I wanna be one of them.
Just going forward every day with a smile on my face.
Not thinking about why I am even walking.
Not thinking about how I could just stop doing so.
Whether or not I should..
Just walking. That would be nice.
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self.depression
|
I don't know how I'm going to do Christmas this year. I lost my job in March this year after trying to return to work after maternity leave. I've been looking for a job since but have yet to get an offer although I've had several interviews.
I'm a kinda stepmom too. My fiance has 2 kids from a previous marriage and then we have our 1 year old together also.
My fiances kids (10M and 7F) are lovely but are always spoiled by their Mum and her parents and unfortunately have no concept of money at all. Their Mum has a good job and she got the house, the car, everything from the relationship with my fiance and he pays child support. She has a baby with her boyfriend too who lives with her and the kids, she became pregnant about 6 months into my pregnancy.
We have the kids for Christmas Eve night and Christmas morning this year which means we have to do Santa. We did it once before and although it was tight, I had a job and we managed.
They're asking for SO much stuff though. All really expensive stuff that will go home with them and we'll never see the things again (their Mum never lets them bring any toys or any of their stuff with them).
I honestly dont know what we're going to do because I absolutely can't afford the things they're asking for and their Mum told them money isn't an issue when asking Santa for things so I can't tell them they're asking for too much without contradicting their Mum. Here's just some of the things being asked for:
*a bike
*a Nintendo Switch and 3 games
*a cozmo robot thingy that's tiny and 250 quid(!!)
*a titanic lego kit type thing that'll be made by one of us because they never sit and make anything
*the 2 new xbox one minecraft controllers
Those are probably the most expensive things on the lists but its not everything by a long shot. Its well over a grand. I'm already falling behind on bills and worried about having heating oil for the winter.
And we have a 1 year old who gets nothing but hand me downs and second hand stuff which isnt fair either.
Ugh. FML right now.
I don't know what to do...
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self.offmychest
|
Instead of hurting myself, I instead gave to charity Lately I’ve been in a deep depression. Tonight after class, I walked to my car trying not to have a panic attack. Got in my car and completely broke down. When I got home, I got my mail and got a holiday card for the local domestic violence shelter about donating. So I decided instead of hurting myself today, I’ll make a gift to help women in need.
I feel good that I did that. I hope that in trying to stop my pain from getting worse, I can also help others.
Damn, life just feels rough.
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self.depression
|
I hope to god this feeling is only because of seasonal affective disorder. I'm tired of wanting to die or get high every day. This is so fucking draining. The suicidal ideation is so invasive, it's getting real old. Same with wanting to get loaded all the time. 2 years is a long time to not use drugs or alcohol to any extent, and I'm not sure how much longer I can keep it up.
But I only feel like this during the winter though, so I'm *hoping* it's just SAD. We don't get a lot of sun out here in the PNW. I ordered a sun lamp and I started taking vitamin D supplements. If this doesn't work out I don't know what the fuck I'm gonna do.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I feel so disgusted with myself. man i fucking hate talking to people because i just feel disgusted with myself for being a waste of space and not being able to hold a conversation i hate having friends / knowing people because they give me so much anxiety and worry that theyre all gonna gang up on me and make my life miserable
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self.depression
|
My brain never shuts up. It shoots at me with bad memories consisting of emotions like embarrassment and fear. Can't remember specific memories just the overall feelings which is in itself torture. Why am I like this. I've never not been the worrying type.
I've always had fears and doubts like "am I adopted?" "Do my parents really love me?"
"Nobody tells you the truth because they think you can't handle it, and you know they're right!"
And I know some of them aren't true, but whenever I ask out loud about things and am met with those looks like they think I'm insane or have an overactive imagination that I never want to feel that stare again.
But, since I learned embarrassment at an early age I learned to shut up as well. If I can't say it well enough to be taken seriously then what's the point? And if it doesn't 'fit' into the conversation then why mention it, like say, I wanted to visit my favorite relative who lives in the capital, why am I afraid to ask about it? Why am I so afraid to say things? Well it's imprinted in me. If I've ever misspoken and it's been misunderstood then Im less likely to talk to the people again (in most cases it's my parents).
Does this make sense to anyone else?
If it looks like I just jotted down something without thinking then it's because I just thought about ranting about it here, mid-cry as I wanted to think about awful things for some reason on the night before a big test and now I can't stop nitpicking the bad. Pessimism ain't no cakewalk.
I'd appreciate any constructive feedback.
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self.Anxiety
|
Depression napped my day away I hate this so fucking much. I have an assignment due at midnight and so much studying to do this week. I have to leave the house to pick up photos before the place closes. There's a tightness in my chest and I just want to stay in bed the rest of the day.
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self.depression
|
Nothing I have been left behind
I am an empty shell
I have been beaten down
To sand with no edges
I have been forgotten
I am nothing
I have been freed
I am nothing.
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self.depression
|
Why does anxiety happen? Supposing we can't trace it to trauma, why does this happen? I can't seem to find a concrete event, an specific point of time in my history that marks a before and after for this.
How does it happen that you start experiencing constant pain for what others find trivial?
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self.Anxiety
|
I want to be the son of wealthy parents. I want to be privileged. I wish I came from money, from history, from heritage, from something special.
I wish my family name meant something. I wish something were named after us. I wish my family owned property, old property, sentimental property.
I wish my parents were lawyers or doctors or just high ranking people.
I wish I were upper middle class. But I'm not. I wish I were privileged. But I'm not.
Why do I want these things? Because then I'd be happy. I could do anything, any wish, any dream. I'd be born to WIN.
I wish I were a kid forever. I'm 20something, but I wish for all my life I kept the innocence, optimism and excitement of a child.
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self.depression
|
My SO is addicted to narcotics I have been with my SO for 2 years. We have two children. He is addicted to opioids. Has been for the past year. I have a huge problem with this. He didn't have any for 1 night and ended up in the ER for the withdrawals. Swears and promises me he will never use them again. He has lied. He had not kept his promise. He continues to take them. This time behind my back. He is being sneaky. Takes phone calls outside. Argues with me and is verbally abusive when confronted. I found pills last night after he swore to me he is not taking any. I showed the bottle to him. And he couldn't say a word for a minute. Says he is selling them to get me presents for my birthday which is tomorrow. I feel so lost. I don't want to be in a relationship with an addict. I don't believe a thing he says anymore. He has been lying to his parents. And lies to me everyday. How I know he is lying because I snooped through his phone and saw the texts. Which he is now deleting. I'm depressed, developed anxiety, nothing makes me happy anymore. I stepped up and took on everything when he said he was done with them. And now it was for nothing. I don't even know where to begin to start over. Move out. And try to move past this. I have become so reliant on him. We have broken up once before and it destroyed our kids. I can't imagine doing that again. I just want him to stop. What do I do? Leave? Don't quit and keep faking that everything is alright? Save enough money to get out? I feel so alone. No outlet. The one person I should be able to tell how I feel I can't. Because all it does is start an argument and him denying everything then insulting me. I don't want to be alone with him. I dont even want to be around him. He is dishonest and my love for him is dying. Then I think about leaving and can't do it. What wrong with me? Anyone else been in my position before? Please give me advice.
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self.offmychest
|
Does anyone else have a reduced sense of touch when getting scared? Made the terrible mistake of trying to play a horror game. Got jumpscared immediately and now my sense of touch feels reduced. Is this common with anxiety? Now I'm freaking out that it's this serious, life-threatening syndrome or disease.
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self.Anxiety
|
Having a 'crush'... is just that. Invincible... shattered into 40 googillion pieces internally... hope... prosperity... invincibility again, just more aware... implosion.
There is little else worse than 'limerence', intense infatuation.
Just when I dug out my old charismatic self from the pits to try and get to know this lady -who we both on the 3 occasions we met- seemed really taken by one another, does SHE (yes, red-pillers, it fucking happened you pseudo-bullshitters) then ask my buddy out on a date... oh kicker oh kicker...
"Because you're such a nice guy, we're like best friends. We should get together" vibe.
Ad verbatim it was,
"You're my best friend... when are we going on a date?" (that flirty shit).
What god damn self-deprecating book predicts such events?
'How To Win Bad Memories And Influence The Loneliness Cycle'
All I want from you Reddit... is to tell me similar stories about how easily you can experience heart-break when you're as lonely as I.
It seems that whenever I choose to have a heart, fate also has a negative agenda.
I guess this is just another rambling from an empty man.
So please excuse my venting of non sequitur...
Life
Life
Life
We alive
We alive
We alive
We may live
live
live
but
I'll
never thrive
Hey :)
I'm going insane over these wayward ways+
Do program a different core mindset for me please
I'm easy, Python and Ruby Newbie
Why nice guys finish first (say no to grammar)
Why bad guys finish first (say no to grammar)
Why CRONiKkStylezZ never finishes (fuck formatting)
Why disadvantage always leads ahead of me (I repeat)
Why opportunity always lags behind (fuck formatting)
D.E.P.R.E.S.S.I.O.N
What a damn sight to see it is
Let us linger in the thoughts of our subconscious being
Let's not smell the world for the pure fragrance it spits out
I shall sit in the wilted flower gardens and pick petals off the dead botanical offerings
I may receive replies, but hey I may receive bad energy.
Why poison the mind when the soul naturally does so intravenously.
Oh it's me, hello
Hit play on that Iron&Wine CD
Cry into all our pillows
Straight through the heart and out the other side..
Kissy kissy
Heart-breaker, non-recoverable
Let's make good memories and forget them 2 months later when I'm in your cupboard.
I didn't know emotional pain could be so physical...
Found someone who appreciates the 2 letters in me
Keep them there
But squeeze too tight
And their eyes may bulge
Revealing who you really are.
Scared that the trail of my lust is flammable
3 words may set them alight, but no words has the same effect
Please don't forget me, I'm wonderful.
Please don't remember me, I'm wonderful.
Sing me a song you sweet sunflower you.
I can stare at your lips all day but it's only time my primal urges kick in and I end up assaulting you.
Monologue, monologue, monologue.
But not yet the Aesop Rock.
Fuckitty fuck-buckets.
Woahhhh
So much testosterone
Hmm...
To compete or retreat
Latter then splatter
This is chronological mind expansion apparatus; Reddit outlet.
Sometimes I lay down without good reason.
Most often, I write myself off catastrophizing that I may fall in love today.
I'm not going to love you... that'll teach you.
Anyway,
signing out but never really shutting down (thanks Brain).
Yours truly and forever,
CRONiKkStylezZ,
1/6/2018 - Forget Me Not
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self.depression
|
I feel like I don't have 24 hours in a day A lot of time got wasted by either being made unable to concentrate, having no energy, or both. Not to mention the extra time needed to go to therapy, extra steps into making sure you don't get a breakdown, and so on. It sucks.
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self.depression
|
Recently have started feeling suicidal Im a 17 year old high school boy and recently I have started feeling kind of suicidal. I've had depression for years now since my parents got divorced, and I never had thoughts of killing myself, only thoughts of not wanting to exist or be alive. However, that has changed in this past week as I now have multiple thoughts a day of hanging myself or shooting myself.
I work at a grocery store and work in the sweets department (gelato, popcorn, candy, etc) which doesn't sound so bad, but one of the MOD's (Manager on Duty) hates me and every time I close the department alone (I close it alone almost always 4/5 of my shifted days) and Everytime I do i always do something wrong or my work is never good enough.
Tonight on valentines day my manager said she was pissed that I was leaving early even though I was scheduled till 9 and wanted to leave to see my girlfriend at 9:40, but she was still mad and it made me feel like shit.
Im still waiting for my doctor to schedule me an appointment to get antidepressants, but its been a month and a half now and im starting to get really impatient
Schoolwise, im always stressed out with work, and I suck at math, my last test being a 45%, so overall I feel like a failure academically
I feel like I have no talents, special features, or any skills that would help me get a job in the future
I have ADHD, OCD, Anxiety, Depression, etc, I suck at social interaction and im forgetful as fuck and have an insanely difficult time memorizing things (I can't even remember the lyrics to even my favorite songs)
The only uplifting thing in my life is my girlfriend who I am so lucky to have with me, but she is also suicidal and depressed so we basically both keep each other alive and loved
My family knows im depressed, it runs in the family, but I haven't mentioned anything about the recent suicidal thoughts
But basically all of this together leads up to me wanting to die, and whenever I wake up or have to go to work or school I lose all motivation and just want to die and want to not be alive
Work and school combined take up 60 hours of my week, not including transportation, homework, overtime, or going in early
Ive been going to bed on average of 3AM on school nights and 5AM on weekends and waking up at 6:45AM school days and between 9AM to 12PM on weekends
I don't plan on killing myself because it would devastate my girlfriend and I could never do something like that to her (we've been together for almost two years and im pretty certain she's the one I want to stay with) and my family would also be devastated as well
I don't really know why I posted here. I feel like I had nowhere else to go and nobody else to talk to
I feel worthless when it comes to work and school and when I think about the future I feel talentless and worried about what I'll do
I cant stop thinking about killing myself though, and I want to die so bad. I cant handle being part of life anymore when everyday is a struggle just to do simple tasks and fail at them while others succeed at everything
I hate my life
(Sorry if this was long and/or went off in tangents too much, I haven't ever done something like this before)
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self.SuicideWatch
|
To the girl I’m gonna see tonight I’m really nervous about seeing you tonight. It turns out it’s gonna be a group date with your best friend who’s gonna be with your brother. So yep, it’s me and you and your best friend and your brother. Things will be awkward tonight. I actually just got off a nasty 6 month dating with this girl that left me depressed and with almost no self confidence. I just want you to know that I’m still depressed, but I’m trying to get by with it. You may see sadness in my eyes when I talk to you, but I’m trying my best to smile for you. I may not talk much, but I would really enjoy your company. You may not even want to go on a second date with me again, but that’s okay.
Sorry I’m just really anxious about tonight.
(This post might not be the actual post I was trying to go through a while ago, I accidentally closed the tab dang it.)
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self.offmychest
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Thought I could hold it off for a bit longer but fuck, I just can't stay normal. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Can someone with depression have some good days? hi. new to this sub and posting for the first time. i have chronic depression and anxiety. i am seeing a therapist, no medication.
i wanted to know, if anyone has had good days?
this past week has been mellow for me. (minimal crying, no self harm/ideation, feeling low but i can get out of bed, appetite is normal, no panic attacks)
for me personally; i have cycles or waves of deep, dark depression. i have been down so low these past couple of months, it feels like i just come up for air but still treading water. but once i come up; i know that i will always go back down again, sometimes i fall super hard and it hits me out of no where. im scared that this is one of those times. like being in the eye of a storm.
do you feel odd feeling normal, even if its for a short amount of time? personally my anxiety is flaring because i feel somewhat normal and i know that this isnt normal and my mind is going a mile a minute and i feel a weight on my chest, like i dont know what to think about myself right now.
any advice?
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self.depression
|
How many times have you been held in a psychiatric ward and do you enjoy it? Me, six or seven times now and I feel no shame anymore. In fact, I like it.
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self.depression
|
Depression "Support" Simulator Role the dice and see what you get for support:
#1: They pity you, leading to degrading actions towards you along with resources being consumed to "help" you which in turn effectively does nothing at all and just prolongs your life and leaves you hanging with guilt
#2: They state a sub-problem that is being caused by the problem you're experiencing and tells you that you need to solve sub-problem x (and then goes along to describing in more detail in what sub-problem x is), essentially ignoring what you just said entirely and not giving you answers.
#3: They get someone else to help you. (Re-Roll)
#4: They say that's it's "natural" to feel this way and it'll go away or that da holy saviour of Jevus chribblesnap (sorry if I offended anyone religious) and GAWD has a plan for you, effectively ignoring you.
#5: They tell you that you need to grow up and that you should stop sulking like a bitch, effectively ignorantly ignoring you.
#6: No supports or someone tells you to just insert x into y and you'll be fiiiiiiiiine (optionally refer to number 5 if you are not fine)
I'm pretty sure I missed some other "supports". Extend to a second dice if you want to add some more.
I'm just not in a good spot in my life (big understatement). Mainly, I'm in dice roll five leading up to six right now with my dad and all starting to become more tired and angry at me. I just wanted to create something like this to help me vent out my emotions right now as I just can't stand life as much anymore. Like, I want to vomit my gut out and just find somewhere safe with someone telling me that it'll be okay (even if I think what they're saying to me is bullshit). That I can overcome this shitshow fuckfest I'm going through.
Hopefully, some of you might get a kick out of the sim. Thanks for reading this post if you come across this.
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self.depression
|
Anyone else can't ignore the similarities between therapists and prostitutes? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I can’t feel like this anymore I have been battling this for too long. I don’t eat or sleep or enjoy the few interactions I have daily. I have tried everything. Yes, I’ve been in therapy for a while now. Since I started having these thoughts. It’s not helping. I’m just afraid of the pain, will it be too excruciating? I want to fade out of existence. I think I’m ready
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self.SuicideWatch
|
A bit neurotic...what's new right? Need some help please...Hey everyone...long time lurker first time postr...I'm in a bit of a quandary and could do with some advice.
I'm 33 and have had one relationship my entire life....i've been with girls here and there...but one proper relationship...problem that I have is that I seem incapable of:
1) Meeting anyone new - I think I have a fear of intimacy. Girls who I find attractive i find really scary and can never approach them. Online (dating apps) yes but in reality no.
2) If I do get with someone I get very neurotic in my head. Constant texting, seeking assurances, bending over backwards, being too nice, not saying what I mean, people pleasing, agreeing with everything…
I'll romanticise things but at the same time i’ll also have feelings of doom (that things will end). I really don’t know what to do. The last time I was with a girl it ended badly. I sort of laid it all on the line…I didn’t even get a reply back from her. I left her one day, went home and then never heard from her again. It knocked my confidence for 6 and started to make me question EVERYTHING.
As you may be able to tell i’ve suffered from depression, anxiety, OCD and everything that goes with that. As I get older i get more lonely. Maybe I get desperate with it?
I know loads of people, have tons of people I text on a daily basis but no real connection with anyone of them. Most of my friendships are based on singular interests.
At the moment there is someone who I work with that i kinda like. I think she may like me - or she could just be being nice.
How can I approach this girl who i thinks sweet without f’n it up? How can I even now stop thinking about her and romanticising when I HARDLY even know her?
Apologies in advance for the rambling nature…
If anyone replies to this….I LOVE you and thank you. God bless
Tel….
|
self.offmychest
|
Can't find any reasons not to kms 1. Since childhood, I grew up with literally no friends. I had one that lived right next to me, but he moved out at an extremely early point in my life, which hurts me to this day. (His name was Jeremy )
Everyday, I'd go to school, and dread every single day. I'd have to awkwardly force myself into conversations, and becoming friends with people who didn't even give a fuck about me. I was always an outlier. So much to the point where I grew befriending almost all the teachers (if they didn't secretly find me annoying as fuck), compared to any of the actual kids. While every other kid grew up obsessed with WWE, Raw, and all that other crap, I grew up watching cartoons on Cartoon Network, Nickelodeon, and Wizards of Waverly Place on Disney Channel among other shows . When I turned eight, or nine, I finally got my first computer, and I was so excited to the point where I threw up out of pure joy in front of everyone (at least, I think I almost did because there was someone in the bathroom) I can't remember. Anyways, I'd spend day and night on my computer, playing video games, watching Youtube, and trying to gain knowledge. Frequently, my cousins would come over, use my computer all day whilst they took care of me, then leave late at night. Whenever I wasn't on the internet, I'd be on my PS2, rarely playing my Gameboy Color (b/c I only had one Mario game), or watching television all day like usual. Anyways, fast forward to middle school when things turned upside down. Around 2012, my grandmother passed away in my country (Dominican Republic) and ever since then, I sense that things have drastically changed in my family, especially my mother. On top of dealing with the grief, I was also going through puberty at the time, along with a fuck ton of sexual frustration. I remember I spent all of sixth grade, crying and begging my parents not to let me go to school. I'd try to fake being sick (which doesn't work 99% with Dominican parents), or just anything I can do just to miss school. The main reason I dreaded school so much was because this ugly obnoxious black girl named Faridah or some shit like that use to bully me, and taunt me, on the daily. I remember all the kids just watching, and laughing along with all the bullshit she spewed through her mouth. She made fun of my high pitched voice (which it still is to this day at 18), constantly called me a cry-baby, and made fun of the gap I had in my teeth (which makes her a huge hypocrite because she had a huge gap in her teeth too.) Anyways, the only person I'd manage to befriend during sixth grade was this girl named Rebecca. {I'd be lying if I said she was my first girl crush, because my first was this girl in Elementary school but we never talked, and she would always dismiss me so it's whatever} Anyways, I found myself in a weird place, between having a crush on her, and trying to befriend her. Eventually, since gossip spreads like wildfire, everyone found out that I liked her, leaving me to get more humiliation on the daily.
This is but one part of my shitty love life. I have way more to say, but I feel numb typing this, and I have to eat dinner now. (Hope I don't get killed at the table)
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
18yo female and I don’t know what to do. I’ve been suicidal before but turns out it was from the anxiety meds I was on, but now it’s back very suddenly and I need help.
I got into a bad car crash today and feel like such a fuck up. It was all my fault and i had to call my parents to come get me. It took months for me to convince my dad to let me drive on my own and I’m normally so much better but I just fucked up today and I feel terrible. I don’t know if they’ll ever let me drive on my own now but I can’t afford a new car and where I live it’s impossible to survive without one.
I finished high school a few weeks ago and now I’m just working food service. I have goals and I have interests but I just can’t find the energy and patience to pursue them and it makes me feel terrible. I really think I’ve given up every hobby I’ve ever tried to pursue.
I just feel bad about myself in every way possible right now. I can’t believe I fucked up as badly as I did today and it makes me feel terrible.
I just think so lowly of myself and I don’t want to anymore. I don’t want to kill myself but I really can’t find another option anymore because I have been pushing a shitty life to the limits and I’m so close to just ending it.
Can someone please help me??
Edit: I’ve already had 800mg ibuprofen for the pain from the crash and I’m scared I’m not gonna be able to keep myself from taking more
|
self.SuicideWatch
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I don't want to live. I'm schizophrenic and autistic, I don't like anything, don't have friends, don't have family and had a failed suicide attempt a few years ago. Nothing good happened since then, there's nothing for me.
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self.offmychest
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Very upset with myself. TW: self-harm Oh no. Why do I do this to myself? Never in a million years would I ever treat someone with the pure hatred and abuse that I inflict on myself.
My brain switched, and "bad me" took over temporarily. Now, I am left to deal with the consequences, and clean up the mess. And it's a fucking mess. The cut on my leg wouldn't stop bleeding through all the bandages (s' all good, I slapped some duct tape on that shit). But the contusions on my arm/shoulder are out of control: I can barely move my arm. Clothes hurt.
I somehow made it through work (I'm a baker, and I need my arms) but am now in so much pain . . . and it's all my own stupid, fucked-up fault. Why? Why do I hurt myself? I've never raised a finger in harm towards anyone, but apparently have no qualms about beating the living shit out of myself.
So fucked up. I try hard to stop. I don't know how . . . my brain switches, I don't remember hurting myself, but I KNOW that it's me who's doing it. Since this behaviour began when I was 8 years old, it's so ingrained that I honestly don't know how to stop. I've tried so many things: therapy, medication, whatever . . . it all works in theory to my logical mind . . .
And then shit happens. And logic leaves me. And by the time I'm back, the damage is done. And I do my best to hide the evidence.
Why, though?
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self.bipolar
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Head pressure out of nowhere Not in any pain. Was about to try and sleep when this feeling like there was pressure in my head and slightly in the back of my neck. Been awake going on 15ish hours now. Getting anxiety from it. Am I going to die
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self.Anxiety
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I'm not happy anymore I feel so empty.I have a few great friends,but i don't trust them anymore. They didn't do anything wrong or something like that.My best friend,who i know for more than 10 years,this year went to another country to work and live there.Its more than 12 hours bus ride from my town.It's too expensive for me to go every now and then.I went this summer and it cost me 350euros for only 7 days,even tho i stayed at hers place.She is never coming back,meybe for vacation or something like that,but she cant come until next summer. I have a girlfriend,but its a new relationship, so she is not very opened.She,my girlfriend, was previously in long relationship. Around 5 years to be specific. I really care for her and i want this relationship to work,but i dont have will or patience anymore for anything. My friends with who i spend most of time are starting to bother me.I dont like them anymore. My godmother,who is only 2 years older than me(shes my godmother because i was supposed to be godfather at hers wedding, but she broke with her boyfriend because se lost her child in her 3rd month of pregnancy,so he left.And the title godfather stick),is great girl.She like the same movies as i do,same music.We have a lot in common, we spend alost every saturday at hers apartment watching movies and chating.I havent saw her whole month because i started to feel something for her.I am felling in love with her.She is beautiful,plus,she likes me,which is really hard,because im, strange.And she hate the same things i hate,what is really important. In short,we are at same mental level.I cant complain about my job.The paycheck is really good and i dont have a lot of work,mostly watching movies and series in 2nd shifts.Im a bartender in some firm so its mostly employees and directors.O yeah,i dont trus anyone because some one told things i didn't want anyone to know,beside a few people. So i told a different thing to every good friend, and waited to see what story will spread. After few days i found out whos been telling stuff about me and unfriended that people.So,naturally, i cant trus no one anymore.I still tell them stuff,but i keep important things for myself. What can i do to feel better?
P.S. Sorry for bad English,its not great because its my second language,but i hope you know what i want to say.
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self.offmychest
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Who do you hate lying to the most? For me it's my friends, especially those who are helping me through it. I know I am betraying them. I thought it would be my family, but I guess I'm just used to lying to them at this point.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Maybe writing about it will make things better. You are always told that certain seemingly arbitrary things will make your problems less so. And I tend to think that they don't help much. However I am out of options. I want to crawl out of my skin and into a hole and never be seen again, nor see anyone else. I would commit suicide (the possibility doesn't scare me as much as I feel like it should) but I don't have the heart to put my family through that torture. So I'm going to see if I can unload some of the things I've been overthinking in an attempt alleviate the discomfort I'll never learn to live with. Futile as it may be I simply hope to live without depression. That is the only life I want. I could be doing anything, anywhere for the rest of my life but if this feeling wasn't chronic it would be painless enough to feel normal. Now this story may seem random and the telling of it fruitless, but I have to try.
So like many people in my generation (26yo) I frequently download Tinder and use it sporadically. I met a girl last thanksgiving (2016) that seemed nice enough. She is very beautiful, has an extremely desirable body, and seems very sweet. So we talk for a bit and play two truths and a lie. I forget most of it but she is a stripper part time and is going to school. I don't think much of it and we end up getting together at her house in the next couple days. We hang out, she tells me about her life and how difficult/abnormal it's been. She has a fused spine and various other serious medical conditions. Everything seems to be going fine, and if anything she seems too nonchalant and aloof. We don't do anything physical other than kiss for a moment and then she is off to a sensory deprivation tank at 2am and I'm headed home.
I text her that I'd love to see her again and that I had a good time. She reflects similar emotions towards me, and I feel like I have a good chance. I was in a rut at the time and I was happy that I had connected with someone albeit only for a moment over tinder.
Long story short she ghosts me, or so I thought. She stops responding so I text her about a week later saying "It's ok if you're not interested, I'm not angry at all. But I would have appreciated you just saying that" or something to that effect. She texts me back a few hours later saying "I ended up in the E.R. last night". And I instantly feel like an epic douche bag. Then she goes back to not answering, but this time I have no intention of trying to contact her again, I had ruined what little chance I may have had and while she was fucking hospitalized to boot. I go on with my life. Date around, spend the following summer on a commercial fishing boat in Alaska, have a few partially fulfilling flings that simply flopped.
Which brings us to now. We matched on Tinder again. She doesn't remember at all, no hint whatsoever that maybe we've met before so I just play along hoping that I might avoid the pitfalls that I fell into previously. We meet at a cafe and she seems much warmer this time around, she talks about having memory problems after her hospitalization and not remembering a large amount of time from the previous year (it's all coming together now). But she's convinced that she remembers me from somewhere. So I kind of ease into telling her about the last time we hung out and where things ended. We even go through our texts on her phone. She seems interested, she feels bad that she doesn't remember me. She seems so sincere. But also mentions that she has been working on issues with men lately. It's been difficult for her to see potential male romantic partners as anything other than a wallet and a sleaze because of her job as a stripper. She seems to be sincerely interested though and as if she really wants to continue this. She also says as much. Anyway she leaves town for a week, and we plan on going bowling a few days after she gets back. The night before we've planned on bowling I get a wild hair up my ass and ask her what she's up to. I say that my evening unexpectedly cleared up and that it would be nice to see her if she was free. She hesitates at first seemingly because she isn't sure if she will be free. Then she says to meet her and some of her friends at a bar in town, so I think "why the fuck not".
This may have been my mistake, and the thing that ruined my ability to continue this. I have a very hard time in social situations with more than one or two new people. She was with 4 other friends. Two of which were other strippers, and the other two were two men, they all seemed nice. Barely paid me any mind when I was introduced. I sat down and questioned whether I would get a drink but I decided against it since she doesn't drink and I was too nervous to get up anyway for some reason. I froze and just tried to keep a calm look on my face and look around at inanimate objects. I shouldn't have asked her to hang out. This was a chance for her to hang out with her friends and I was simply a tumor that had tagged along unexpectedly. I attempt to involve myself in the conversation but it's just the girls talking among themselves and the men are laughing/being clever occasionally. Within about 15 minutes I can't open my mouth and I am looking around panicking on the inside hoping to see something that either makes me relevant to the conversation so I'm not the creepy silent stranger, or an excuse to get up and walk away for a moment. She is either ignoring me completely and talking to her friends or seeming to very purposefully look away from me. I feel like if at any point in my life I could simply cease to exist, this should be that moment. I'm terrified of trying to talk and I can't make eye contact with people I do know let alone people I don't! This goes on for about an hour and then they start talking about going to a strip club to visit a friend who is working. This is my way out! I've found a way to simply disappear. I'll say that I'm low on cash because I just paid rent, and that i should probably just go home and sleep before work.
As soon as everyone stands up, I beeline straight for the door. I make it outside, light up a cigarette and turn around. She's right behind me. I quickly say "sorry if I was too quiet". She says it's not a big deal and that I was fine. This feels like it must be a lie. She has to be full of shit to think that I was at all worth having around for any amount of time tonight. We talk about bowling the next evening for 10 seconds and then I ask her to let her friends know that it was good meeting them, we share an extremely stiff hug (this could be due to the fused spine but I have no way of knowing... Who the fuck am I kidding she is trying to be nice and can't wait to get away from me). Then I walk away as quickly as possible. I text her when I get around the corner that I was sorry if I was awkward, but that she should "say hey" tomorrow when she decides she wants to go bowling. She says nothing. I am still panicking because she absolutely must think I'm a complete waste of human life. I listened to her and her friends talk about literally nothing else other than how shitty certain men are and how many guys they have feigned interest enough in to make them regular customers. That was the entire hour and change that I was there. I text her again in about 20 mintues because I don't have enough self control. Maybe if I spill my feelings it will endear her to me or make her want to re-affirm that I wasn't weird and that it was fine. No response. About 30 minutes after that I text her one last time saying "I just scored a hole in one with un-attractiveness. Sorry I'm a crazy person. Have a good night". And still no response. This was a couple hours ago...
I want to end myself. This is uniform with almost all my interactions with the opposite sex, and has been for years. I want everything to stop. I want to stop wanting women. I want to stop putting myself in situations that I'm bound to fail in. I want to jump off a cliff and flip the bird at the world on my way down. Cursing the genetic lottery that has landed me with a chemical imbalance that causes me to wish myself dead or to cease to exist on a daily basis. I don't want to be alone forever. But I'm never going to find someone who loves me enough for who I am to stand by me as I go through depression. I'll pass it onto my children if I have any. I think that is probably the least likely thing that could happen at this point. If I can't even hold a friendship/interest with a woman I can't very well get to a point where we have kids. It would be a detriment to my children to bring them into this world with such a high likelihood of having the problems that I have. Why would I want to continue a bloodline of depression? And if I don't think having children is a moral choice then why do I continue to live other than to keep my parents from being torn to pieces? Is that all I am? A placeholder for their happiness? Shackled to this world simply because I don't have the determination to hurt them so deeply. I would kill myself gladly if there was nobody to weep over my grave. If only I was truly alone.
I could end this existence peacefully.
As a wave relaxes on the sand and dissipates into nothingness.
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self.depression
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Suicidal Ideation I have not been officially diagnosed with anything as of yet. I just couldn't think of a better place to post. I've been dealing with some pretty strong suicidal thoughts and urges, and I don't really know what to do. I've been feeling pretty good and happy the past few days, but for weeks before then I was having serious suicidal thoughts. I think I might be bipolar or something I'm not sure. I just wanted anybody's advice on how to deal with these thoughts
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self.depression
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I want to end my life right now I have a loving family, an average job and despite all of that I want to die. Even though I go regularly to a therapist, I still want to die. I cant stand the pain, I just want to end it. I am not worth, I do horrible things to everyone. I shouldnt have these feelings. Someone looking at me form the outside would never think of me considering suicide. I have such an average life, how could I possibly want to end it all. I dont know if I will make it to tomorrow
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self.SuicideWatch
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Its impossible to get a good job? I think its impossible today to get a good job, even with good education. Of course many people ocmmit suicide if they have no perspectives. Is unemplyoment shiity jobs and poverty a good reason to kill yourself?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Can't stop thinking about suicide I just can't stop thinking about it. Everywhere I go I see ways to do it. I think I found an easy way to do it. I got kicked out of therapy and lost my psychiatist last week so I have no one to talk to about it. Sometimes the thoughts are stronger than others. Right now I feel like I'm not going to do it because I can't hurt my family. But on Sunday I didn't care about my family and wanted to do it. I always said I would go to the hospital before killing myself, but on Sunday I didn't want to go to the hospital because I didn't want them to stop me. I can't go to the hospital now because I don' t think I am an immediate threat to myself. I ptobably shouldn't even be posting here because my ex therapist doesn't think I'm bipolar, she thinks I'm just an alcoholic. When the suicidal thoughts are strongest, I feel completely rational. I just don't want to be alive anymore, and ending it seems like the best thing to do. Even my therapist gave up on me. I don't feel like there is any hope. People always tell you to get help, but I've tried and it hasn't worked.
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self.bipolar
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I finally freed myself from the last negative person in my life today, and it feels amazing This is long, but I have to get it off my chest and I hope that people in the same situation might find it helpful.
TW: Mentions of suicide, self-harming, stalking, violence, gender dysphoria.
For the longest time, and this means the last 5-6 years at least, I was the person that everyone else came to with their problems. I'm in my thirties now and some of these were really heavy things, the kind of secrets who can destroy someone's family or reputation if they got out. I never asked anyone to tell me anything but because of my social anxiety and generally not having a concept of boundaries for the longest time, I also couldn't bring myself to say no. I sat there while person after person told me how they're cheating on their significant other, or cutting, or substance abusing, or wanting to kill themselves, or planning to hurt/kill themselves AND others. A friend of a friend, who added me on Facebook one day, started on our very first conversation to tell me that they were doing horrible things to their body because of dysphoria. I sympathized with them but I was also horrified; what in the world could I, a complete stranger, be expected to do?! All of these confessions made my anxiety worse by an order of magnitude. I'd lay awake at night and worry about all these people, and agonize over the fact that there was nothing I could do to help because, when all was said and done, they still chose to think and do horrible things beyond my control, and there I was - a helpless witness to it all.
If it sounds like I'm catastrophizing, trust me, it really was that bad. When all's said and done, some people at last are a lot more sinister than they let on.
Anyway, it took a lot of work with my therapist and on my own, but over time I slowly learned the concept of how to set boundaries and to simply tell other people that hey, I don't want to know this, please talk to someone who's qualified and able to help. I first started with the people I was least attached to, but still - when I unfriended that first person on Facebook (and later blocked them for good measure so they wouldn't be able to talk to me again), I felt so INCREDIBLY anxious, but at the same time, the feeling of relief was immense. It was like someone had flicked a light switch in my mind. I knew that this was the right thing to do for me.
It was a lot harder dealing with friends, though, since I couldn't just freeze them out. One friend, whom I've known literally all my life (we were born a few days apart) and who shared all of his creepy stalkerish fantasies about other women with me didn't respect any of my requests not to talk about this with me because it was making me very uncomfortable. In the end I sent him one final message, recognizing his struggles but telling him that I can't watch him destroy his life and that of the women he was obsessed with. He called me on my phone from a bunch of different numbers and pretended to be a concerned friend, a pizza delivery guy and ready to kill himself among other things. The old me would've flown into a panic and instantly gone back to our toxic dynamic. The new me said fuck it, this clearly derranged person is not my problem anymore. I contacted a common friend who's a very level-headed and mature guy and told him "hey, look out for X, I think he might do something stupid" and left it at that.
By and large, though, people were respectful of my new boundaries. I get the feeling some of them didn't understand that indiscriminately dumping their own shit on someone who already suffers of anxiety and OCD can hurt the other person a lot. It also dawned on me that a lot of these people, who called themselves my friends, never really took the time to listen or completely misunderstood what I had to say hen I needed help and support. Like this other girl who asked me what was wrong. After I told her, her reaction was "OK no problem". I wasn't thanking her nor apologizing to her but she hadn't even bother to listen. It was at that moment, that wasn't the first time she was being like that, when I realized I don't need someone like that in my life.
So it's been half a year ish since I decided to clean up my life. I've said goodbye to some people forever and I don't miss them. I've set boundaries and expectations for my relationship with the people whom I consider important. But the most important thing is, *I've realized I can't live people's lives for them. Their choices are their own and it's not my fault if they make a horrible choice that hurts themselves or someone else.* I'm not called upon to be anyone else's savior or fix their shit. All I can ever do is focus my own mental health and be the change I want to see while also protecting myself from agonizing over someone else's choices. Nobody tells you these things and worse, some people want to be coddled and enabled and WILL latch on to any person who does that. That's why self-protection becomes so important.
Again sorry for this long and very rambly post, but I feel better now that I put all of this down. I've been hovering over the post button for ages now so I'll just go ahead and click it. Thanks for reading.
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self.Anxiety
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Anxiety is not being able to enjoy ANYTHING because you’re worried about that thing in 3 weeks that will actually be way less awful than you imagined.
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self.Anxiety
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Focus issues - distracted too easily I can't focus on any tasks and just recently received a promotion and I think it's become more noticeable. I take 2400 mg of Gabapentin and 50mg of Sertraline. I just can't focus at all. I switch back and forth between projects and never finish a task. Is there a medication anyone's found to help drastically or an activity?
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self.bipolar
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I’ve sort of discovered a comforting thought I’ve found a lost sense of comfort in knowing that vodka and Xanax are a relatively effective way to hurt myself irreparably. A lot of different parts of my brain know that suicide isn’t what I really want. But the warm sensation I’ve only felt in better times comes back when I think about how I can bring the eternal sleep upon myself with a mouthful of pills and glass full of alcohol. I’m still fighting for my life, but it gets harder and harder every day as things seem to pile up all around me and I just can’t shake these thoughts of escaping. I think I really need a change in scenery and pace.
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self.depression
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Anyone else tired of eating , like damn we’re just stuffing shit down our throats just to keep on living in this piece of shit. It’s pathetic [deleted]
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self.depression
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Pushing Personal Limits? TL;DR: Anyone else participated in activities in a controlled manner that challenged your physical symptoms of anxiety to show yourself all was well?
I have GAD, and I was having trouble with both finding a medicine that helped me without negative side effects as well as actually communicating properly with my doctor's office. It's been a few months since I started trying different meds - SSRI's to be specific - and after my second one started affecting my vision severely a few weeks ago, I started weaning off of the med. I haven't taken it in about a week now and have noticed my anxiety returning.
I am going to be switching doctors before I try another med, so for the time being, I'm wanting to see where I am with my anxiety. I'm somewhere between being able to push obsessive/circular negative thoughts out of my head and starting to feel like my whole body is too tight and that I have to take deep breaths to remember that I can breathe properly.
I was curious as to if anyone else has kind of gone through this process as well, of seeing where they're at with anxiety and finding things to help them outside of their meds? Since I'm showing symptoms again, something I've been trying aside from mindful meditation and breathing, finding activities I enjoy, etc., I'm actually actively challenging one of my "triggers" or main worries if you will: I get anxious that something is wrong with my lungs and I'll suddenly stop breathing one day (hence another reason I take lots of deep breaths), so I've started going to the gym to show myself that even when my breathing is difficult, everything is okay, and that I'll be fine.
The biggest problem I have is that I KNOW my anxiety is anxiety, I KNOW that all of my issues are stemming from that, but I can't do much to get it to stop or to control it. I suppose you could say I'm taking a bit more of an aggressive approach to finding ways to help myself cope with it in new ways.
Thanks for reading my long shpeel if you've made it down here! Hope you have a good day!
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self.Anxiety
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Failing exams. I am in my 5th year of college. I have only 2 classes left to graduate (after the ones I am currently taking this semester) and I'm somehow failing two that I'm currently taking. I'm studying all the time and in depth. I know the material.. I know it to the point of being able to explain it to someone else, yet I'm somehow not passing exams on it in these two classes. I've never failed before. I make good grades and I study and work really hard. I honestly have NO IDEA how I'm falling these exams and, in response, these two classes. I'm at a loss. It gets worse. Because of a miscommunication and me being misplaced in a different major by my advisor, I had to appeal for financial aid because I went over the credit hours limit and because of that I cannot retake classes or take any extra classes. So with that being said, I can't retake these classes and graduate and I don't have enough money to pay out of pocket to go to school without financial aid due to this. I don't know what to do and I feel helpless and lost and like a failure. It's not fair, I've made it this far and with very good grades. It's awful that #1 I'm falling exams randomly and can't understand why and #2 that I woont be able to finish the two classes remaining and graduate because of it. I was so close.
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self.offmychest
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I let out a belly laugh when I thought about the future. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Where I am right now...I guess I just want to talk. Since it is the holidays, I feel more alone than I am used to. This time last year, my grandfather died right before Christmas. It means less to me that my grandfather passed away but more so that it's my mother's father who passed away, and I mourn with and for her loss because she is so close to him. I miss him and the way he made my family feel. It now being a year later makes it harder to not feel alone. My father plays in the band at our church year round and isn't home at all because of rehearsals for Christmas eve service and the services themselves, and he hardly thinks about anyone for Christmas until a few days before Christmas day im guessing because he just wants to cover his bases and almost completely forgot. He provides for our family and I feel he loves us but doesn't give us enough attention any day of the year since he is the only one who works (mother is on social security because of disability). He doesn't really treat my mother horribly but doesn't treat her well. I know he loves us because I can feel it from the way he says things and does things, but only sometimes. It didn't used to be this way. My little brother is similar - he is in his first year of college and doesn't acknowledge enough the support from my parents and disrespects a lot of what is done for him and treats my mother worse than my dad. He normally takes his side on arguments. My older brother is similar to my mother and he is a strong individual and loves others very well. He is with his girlfriend and spending time with her family across states. It is the first he isn't home for Christmas and normally I would take comfort in his wisdom when I'm hurting or depressed, but now I can't as much.
This part of the year, more so for many reasons, reminds my mother of her father who passed away. She and all of us loved him so much. My grandmother (his widow) was here for a little bit a week ago but is now with my mother's sisters family across states spending time with them during Christmas.
Today I visited my fiancés early Christmas eve service around 9am and rushed to meet my little brother and mother at our church's Christmas eve service around 11am. We made both. It made me happy because I was able to spend time with her family and my mother and little brother all together at least for a little bit. My father wasn't there because we went to the main church campus, not the campus my father plays at. My mother doesn't like the reminder he is choosing to serve in the band than be standing and sitting with us on Christmas eve. My fiancés family is very organized and happy when I spend time with them. My family is the opposite - disconnected, sad, unorganized, not everyone is home for Christmas....just....alone.
Another factor this year...
Before my grandmother came to visit, my mother and father decided to rip up all the carpet on the downstairs floor and replace it with tile. This called for taking out ALL the furniture downstairs and putting it into storage for about 2 weeks so workers can help with the process. Now that it is done, we have moved all the furniture back in, but they can't decide where to put it. The living areas and kitchen and bathrooms are barely operational. No room for sitting, dining, cooking, nothing really. The upstairs is the only place to be, but even then, it's cluttered with downstairs furniture that didn't fit in the storage unit. This has left the house in an even poorer state. We have no Christmas lights up, no decorations in or outside, no tree, no music playing, no food prepared, just quiet exchange of conversation and sadness every now and then. This year is completely different and I wasn't ready for it.
I'm sad.
I feel my thoughts being clouded. Every sorry attempt by any of my family members to make something out of the holiday makes me more depressed. It doesn't keep me or any of us from continuing to try, it just doesn't feel any better when we constantly do and fall and fail. I decided not to go home with my fiancé to their family after the last Christmas eve service when they invited me. I decided to go home feeling it being more appropriate for me and for my family to home for Christmas eve. My fiancé and I live only 10 min away from each other but I still had to make the decision. It's harder than it sounds. I was hoping that coming home to my currently family I would find someone to be with, but nobody is here. Dad is still playing for the remainder Christmas eve services, my mother and little brother I can't find. My older brother obviously isn't here. Simply put, I feel sad. Depending on how I look at situations, I can feel angry, sad, discouraged, lonely, torn, a whole array of emotions. Sadness covers most of them. I have made the little money I do on my own and couldn't bring myself to buy a lot of gifts for people (I'm a full time student along with my little brother). I don't even know if I have enough. I couldn't buy things for everyone if I even tried because there are too many people I love. I don't know. Like I said, my thoughts are clouded. I can't pinpoint my hurt. I can't find a lot of happiness this holiday. It does transfer to the rest of the year, but it is very apparent around the holidays. It doesn't even feel like a holiday. I don't even know if my family even bought gifts this year considering the whole situation. We are (as far as I know) "financially okay". I have a roof over my head, I have a fiancé that loves me and I love her, and I love everyone in my family despite what's going on. We are losing sight it seems. At least I'm losing sight and hope. I'm sad.
I don't feel well this holiday. My family doesn't feel well. I guess I'm just writing this to write this. I appreciate anyone who reads this surely. I'm probably saying too much. I never write anything down. I definitely don't write anything with the intention of someone reading it if I do. I feel like I'm ranting and I can't say how I feel entirely....so yeah I am ranting. My apologies if all of this seems disorganized. I won't even proof read it most likely. I am not suicidal and have none of those intentions thank God. My loved ones know how I feel and I think they acknowledge it. Obviously I'm a strong believer and so is my family and my fiancé and hers. I will continue to pray and believe and no one and nothing can take that from me.
I just wish a lot of things were different.
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self.depression
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Parents sent my dog to the shelter when i was a child, tells me the truth years later So, they decided since the dog was ripping up plants in their back yard, they would then lie and say that the dog they got rid of, instead, had ran away. They left the side gate open to make it believable.
Years later, they nonchalantly just mention to me that they had lied to me and told me they sent it to a shelter. They then told me they assumed it would find another home from someone who may think he's "cute" enough to take in.
Anyone else deal with something like this?
My parents are very loving people, but I still can't believe they'd do this. Lol
We had the dog for about a year. I had become very close to it, but you know.. rip teddy. You will be missed💘
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self.offmychest
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Has anyone else been obsessively editing their comments and replies? I've been doing this. At first I thought it was because I'm a grammar nazi, but now I think it was the anxiety. Anyone else been doing this? I'm still new to this, lol.
Edit: I've removed an anxiety-inducing part.
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self.Anxiety
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Is This Depression? I decided to post because I don't know if this is depression or not. Awhile back, I had a episode that was likely situational depression. After the episode ended it was awhile before another one happened. The next two episodes were really close to each other and lasted only about two weeks each. I also have extreme delusions when I'm going through an episode, such as feeling like everyone secretly hates me, or that everyone is secretly United against me and will do something at any moment.
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self.depression
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Suicide Note: Im a fuck up.
Im so sorry.
Shooting heroin and meth? What is wrong with me?
I just want to die. Honestly. I dont want to live anymore. Im done.
Goodbye. Tomorrow you wont have to deal with me anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is anyone else scared to die? So I have pretty severe depression and anxiety (and my psychologist thought I might have high functioning BPD as well). I mostly feel very empty and numb, with the occasional moment of utter misery and awful anxiety. I rarely leave the house and get panic attacks when I do, and I stay in bed a lot of the time. I can’t work due to my mental health and my physical health (I have chronic fatigue syndrome which I know is linked). But despite all this I’ve never really had suicidal ideation. I feel so awful and can’t concentrate on anything, my existence is often utterly miserable, but I still don’t want to die.
I have constant thoughts about self harm and self mutilation but whereas I’m often tempted to act on them, I’m actually terrified to die. The thought of it really terrifies me. I suppose I have this feeling that I’m missing out on life and if I die that’s my chance over? Does anyone else feel in any way similar?
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self.depression
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Medication (i.e. Lamictal) and relapsing I haven't been taking my medication for about 1.5 weeks. Is it possible to relapse during this short amount of time? I'm just curious and a little worried. I am going to pick up my meds today, but I'm a little curious.
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self.bipolar
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so this is it. I do not like the life I have, and I don’t know how to get the life I want. I’m a woman in my late 20’s, I don’t have a career just a dead end job, I barely make enough money to live, and that’s all. I am not important to anybody’s narrative and will not be missed when I do this. My life vision was not what I am currently living and it is near impossible to get to where I want to be. There is no hope left for me out here I’m too old, and washed up for it. I was never able to find my “tribe” or people who accepted me, I was always the weird, quiet, and shy person. Maybe I can find peace, who knows.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anyone else feels sadder because they can't help them parents financially,because of depression? Sometimes it makes me sadder ,knowing that I can't help them and I just sat and look helplessness
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self.depression
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Stress and loneliness School is overwhelming me. I don't know how I'll ever catch up or succeed in life, I've been having intrusive thoughts, such as when I'm in my car, that I could just keep driving until I hit a wall or something that could kill me. I'm so lonely. Life is empty
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self.depression
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I don't know what to do with this but I feel like imploding if I don't dump this all somewhere. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I want to be alone tonight With the new year starting tomorrow and me being introverted. I'm confused on what do to tonight.
I feel very alone around the holidays and try to make an effort to be with people because if I don't then I start a pattern of self-deprecation and self-hate and thoughts of suicide start to creep in.
My parents and brother are going to a friend's house (two of my former teachers) to "have a good time of fellowship" and blast fireworks at midnight. Totally sober. They want me there. I plan on drinking tonight and it would not be allowed for me to drink around my parents and their friends or my brother.
I have a friend that I went to high school with and we are good friends, like the type where we can go without talking or seeing each other for months but when we see each other we're still good friends. She kind of invited me over to her boyfriend's house for tonight. He works for a beer distribution center and has loads of beer. They smoke weed and have also told me about times when they've done cocaine. I want to spend time with my friend but I don't want to partake in smoking or snorting tonight. I think I have an addictive personality and cocaine might not be a good thing for me to try. Also i really don't want to get crossfaded. I'm not really sure if I should go to her boyfriend's house.
It seems like I only have a couple options, be stone sober with boring people and watch fireworks, be drunk with a friend and her boyfriend where coke might be available, or sit at home with my own stash of booze and bring in the new year alone.
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self.depression
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I Went to the grocery store! My anxiety and depression never used to be this bad, so it still feels mildly pathetic that this is a "proud" moment for me, but nevertheless, here we are! For the first time in about 2 years I went to the grocery store by myself! I add the "by myself" because I went a couple of times when my mom was visiting, but I live completely alone and my mom lives 5000 miles away, so I only went with someone a couple of times in the same amount of years. No one else knows I suffer like this - even some mild friends who somewhat know of my limitations don't know how bad it truly is. But I made it to Trader Joe's yesterday and didn't freak out, die, or run into anyone!! I bought some good food, was rung up by a lovely employee, and made it home in one piece. And I bought some flowers so now my living room has some pretty proof of what I accomplished. Maybe 2018 will be the year I stop spending all my money on takeout because I'll actually get able to get to grocery stores!
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self.Anxiety
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My younger brother has more friends than me. His wife is rude. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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