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rocky friendships So someone new started where I work and I was actually excited about it. Problem is one of my close friends who also works there and is already in s relationship is already having sex with her now I don't even know this girl very well but for some reason this is really upsetting me to the point of having to walk away every now and again to breathe. Part of the reason I am angry is because I know he doesn't give a shit about her she is just a piece of meat to him. Am I wrong for getting upset?
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self.depression
|
i just want to fucking die already ive slept for 28 hours and the 9 hours i was awake today were spent crying. same as the last time i was awake
im fucking tired. everyone in my family hates me, calls me useles,s a bitch, a leech, worthless, too old to be here, etc
my therapist cancelled on me for th nth time. its way past the point that hes cancelled more times thne ive actually seen him. i cant get a new therapist. im broke. cant hold down a job. plagued by my mental illnesses .
i spent hte last month calling every day for a spot in he shelter and evven whne im this desperate to leave the universe tells me no.
my dad tells me to go live under a bridge allthe time. to fuck off and whore myself out for a living
i already know ok. i know im a worthless leech. ive been fucking. trying to kill myself since i was 13. im an adult and im still a fcking burden on everyone and have no friends i have LITERALLY no reason to live. if anything i have reason to die so i stop burning a hole in my parents wallet
i want to kill myself i cant take it anymore
i just got told to shut up bc im crying too loud so im taking some sleeping pills to peace off for another day. all i do is annoy people
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Im so relieved I can cry 2017
Started it jobless. Struggling with everything. I was becoming afraid to even leave my house. Fear and anxiety basically consumed me.
Medications were basically ruining my life, even after switching, switching, switching. Every one I tried, gave me severe, unusual side effects. (let's stay off this topic, just this was my personal experience and rather not get into it)
Toxic home life, even though I got myself out of situations quick as could.. the new home would end up being toxic as well.
I went into debt trying to not be homeless.
I disappeared a lot socially. Sleep a lot. Eat too little. Eat too much. That same old stuff.
But I kept going to therapy. Even if it took me several months to go back. Sorry I avoided you Sharon for almost a year, you are a wonderful therapist.
She told me not long ago, that she thought I didn't need therapy anymore.
I used to hate it. But I would go. I would end sessions by sitting in my car crying and trembling from letting myself be vulnerable.
Slowly, it got better. Slowly, I got better. I'm still terrible at talking her advice, but we worked on a lot. I didn't want to end therapy, I said I still have lot more to work on. But looking back, I think she is right. I don't need it anymore, least for now. (though I do intend of doing check-up sessions here and there or when Im struggling lot more again)
I got a job at a nearby store that I loved and would frequent when I could.
It changed my life working there. It's not anything special perhaps to most people, but I met the most wonderful coworkers and management that really, truly do care about you and try their best to work with you and your needs.
I ended up being able to work a second job for seasonal, though they say they will probably keep me, and I didn't know how I was going to make it through the week working so much.
But I am glad I did. I'm able to live alone in a small rental mother-in-law home. I started to live here with a friend I had since 4th grade.
I know her true colors now, and after much fighting, she finally left and got all her stuff few days ago. Needless to say, I hope I never see her again.
I'm on my own here now.
I got groceries for the first time in a long time on my own without any help.
I have a new bed to sleep in, no longer my old bed from childhood.
My bills for the month are paid for.
I'm doing well on paying my debt off, I'm keeping up.
I have a great support group now.
I actually have people I can truly call "best friend".
I have a cheerful, wonderful baby nephew that makes any day better.
I don't disappear months at a time now.
I want to cry from how relieved I am.
I think I can finally live not in fear anymore.
For the first time in my entire life at home, I woke up not wanting to hate myself
I woke up wanting to enjoy my day and it doesn't feel like I'm trying to just "survive"
It's a weird feeling because I feel like I've been running all my life and Im so tired
I can relax and rest, I feel happy
edit: some formatting and spelling errors
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self.depression
|
I'm scared to tell someone. My uncle has been touching me ever since I was 8. I woke up one night and there he was just standing over me. I was hard down there and even at eight years old I knew something was off.
The next night I pretended to sleep just to see if it was true or if I just dreamed it, but he did it again. Ever since then he's taken multiple nude pictures of me, the last time being when I was 16. I'm 17 now, will be 18 in a month, and I'm still scared to tell anyone because I doubt they'll believe me.
He's my dad's brother and my relationship with my dad isn't the best, so I'm afraid he'll accuse me of being a liar and just leave my mom and the rest of my siblings. My mom does have a job, but I don't think she'd able to raise a family of 10 all on her own without my dad's help.
I want to tell my mom but I don't want to ruin our family. My dad had to deal with false sexual assault claims and I believe that he'll think I'm doing the same to his brother.
Sorry if this is just me rambling, I haven't slept yet.
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self.offmychest
|
Trying to get cancer so I doesnt look like I did it on purpose. What are your opinions on this?
I know that if I show intent and end my life it will saden people more than If I were to get cancer and just die.
I smoke 10-20 rollups a day.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Lost motivation for anything now So I stupidly studied hard and got my university degree which is not getting me a job,
I didn’t party or date during those years.
Now I’m at point I need to retrain for a careee but I’m so depressed about this as I feel old and missed out on fun, I see and hear about all the things the younger ones are doing, parties, hooking up etc,,and here I am unable to party with them as to old and need to study hard again.,,so study hard for what? So I can then get a job I need to work hard? For what? To make money for what? Well a house and food I guess.
Meanwhile I’m getting older and the young ones still out having the fun I missed out on and where’s my fun. Old guys can’t be hanging in the club with young ones just silly..
Great I’ll spend my money on escorts and coke lol.
So I need to study hard again to get a job that pays well so I can then spend all my money on escorts, strip clubs and coke lol.
Well maybe I should just blow my brains lol...just kidding but how can I be motivated for anything....I just want friends and parties but to old Now hence only party option is strip clubs really...what a shambles.
Just can’t see the wife, kids route working out for me or of any interest at all....so I still need fun.
TLDR. Study hard to get hard but well paying job to blow money on hookers and blow lol
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self.depression
|
I'm starting to understand why people cut themselves I used to think self-harm didn't make any sense - why would someone make their existence more painful? But today I feel this self-loathing so intense, I can't think about anything else or do anything except sit here and feel it twisting inside me. It's like all this hatred and inadequacy is building up just underneath the surface, tearing at my skin from the inside out. If I could just slice it open, maybe the pressure would release a little... I don't know if this will make sense to anyone but this anger and guilt is getting unbearable.
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self.depression
|
Should have blew my brains out when i had the chance [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Damn it Just let me rant, can't talk to the walls.
After about two weeks of stopping my medication i found myself crying uncontrollably. It would not stop, so back on the meds. Soon i'll be again staring at the wall like an empty minded fool thinking i have no future or purpose, but at least i can't cry. Wonderful.
Great, im not crying anymore, time to grow a pair and get out of the house after two weeks to buy food. It's ok, i have a right to be be outside, i have a right as a human, it's alright. Just go, it'll be fine. Oh someone broke the side mirror on my car, after a month when someone scratched the hood and stole the licence plate...
I am fucking cursed. I honestly don't know how i can maintain my sanity.
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self.depression
|
You’re creating a void that I don’t think I can fill. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Sleep disorder due to traumatic near-ego-death A couple of years ago I had a traumatic experience involving a very large dose of LSD and some other drugs. After several years in various therapies and a habit of daily meditation I regained functioning but I still have a sleep disorder that I can't fix. I can't let go of control - when I approach the point of falling into unconsciousness in deep sleep, my fight or flight response is triggered and I wake up in panic. This is basically what happened with the LSD, I approached ego death (complete disintegration and loss of control, basically total annihilation) suddenly and without warning and severely panicked due to the other drugs involved.
If the trigger would have been something I can consciously invoke like in classic phobias then I could do exposure therapy, but my problem is that my trigger is losing control or falling into unconsciousness - I can't invoke that voluntarily and gradually apart from taking drugs (which I'm not going to).
Basically I'm stuck on survival mode. If I don't do anything except eat and sleep for a year, my sleep gets fixed and I can sleep an entire night without waking up. As soon as I do something that involves losing control, like drinking a beer or having an orgasm, I start having panic attacks in my sleep again every night.
It's not losing control itself that is directly triggering (although it does cause some heart palpitations) - I don't have a phobia from drinking or having sex and I can do those things. But once I do it even once - losing control in my sleep starts triggering panic again and I can't sleep more than consecutive 2-3 hours every night.
Can anyone recommend how to approach solving this?
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self.Anxiety
|
Let the past die.... kill it, if you have to. This quote from Kylo Ren in the Last Jedi really hit me hard. Although it is a fictional movie, I have always hated myself. Although I desperately want to break free from my past, it seems impossible. I really wish I had the strength to change, but I don't. I feel like I just want to start fresh, but it's impossible. Pretending my past never happened is pretty hard when you have lots of bad habits that are near impossible to break, and I'm constantly reminded of things I used to be interested in with the posters on my walls that I now want nothing to do with. My room still looks like it's a 12 year old's room, and I'm 17 and i keep telling myself I want to renovate it. Of course I can never bring myself to do it, just like I can never bring myself to make big changes in my life. I'm in 11th grade and my performance in school has been mediocre for the past 3 years, I still don't have my driver's license, and I have not considered even one career path yet or even looked into anything at all. I guess I am just coming to terms that I am destined to be a failure.
|
self.depression
|
I can’t cry and it makes me want to cry. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
SSRI sexual side effects. Antidote? Cure? Hey,
I have been on Prozac, clomipramine, zoloft. I have anxiety, depression and ocd. At the moment I have to take them and they do a good job. However my genitals are numb, I don't really get aroused and I can't achieve an orgasm. I read a lot about antidotes for this side effect because reducing the dose is not an option.
The antidotes are:
-Wellbutrin (increases anxiety for me - no option)
-Yohimbine (same)
-Cyproheptadine (reverses the effect of Ssri)
-Buspiron
-Amantadine
-mirtazapine (makes fat)
-nefazodone (banned in my country)
-trazodon
-Maca
-Zinc
-stimulants
Any experiences?
Anybody got successful trying to get the advantage from Ssri without the sexual side effects?
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self.Anxiety
|
Concerned for the Future regarding meds So recently I had a huge breakthrough with meds. I feel a million times better than I have in years. I have been through absolutely tons of different medications and none of them seemed to work at all but I have finally found something that really works.
I am taking lyrica 150 and vybrid 20 together. Its pretty heavy duty. I am wondering, am I going to be on heavy meds like this my entire life? I am only in my early 20s, that is a long time. Are there any long term effects of taking things like this? I am scared that it is going to mess me up if I take these meds for years on end.
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self.Anxiety
|
Awake now I woke up feeling numb, not the good lind of numb where you know your feeling are right underneath the surface, but the empty black hole dumb. To know that I can never be Loved is like knowing the day Death plans to come and take mw away. I just want to go back to sleep
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self.depression
|
I've been off my meds for week. Not because they have been discontinued but because for the second month in a row my refill requests were denied. My original doctor is on maternity leave and it is making the process very aggravating. I know it's not just the meds that are important and I need to make appointments as well but who has time to see the doctor every month? Every night that I spend without my coping methods is another night in hell. I feel like I have been sick all week not being able to sleep. Staying up smoking cigarettes all night when had just quit and then start right back up again. I just want to feel normal again
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self.bipolar
|
Wondering I lay here, each night wondering the same thing over and over. Is it worth it? Would anyone care? Does it hurt? How can I make it painless? How much longer do I have to deal with it?
There are many things I can live for. I have a career. I have a "lovely" husband. I have a "supportive" family. I have a few friends I can turn to. However in reality, I feel like I'm alone.
10 minutes ago, I was crying. Why? I'm not happy. I haven't been happy in so many years. Since I was really young, probably since elementary school, I have been contemplating suicide. In the 7th or 8th grade, I told a counselor that I felt suicidal, which meant she had to tell my parents. My own parents didn't take it seriously, even though I tried to overdose on some medications I found in the prescription cabinet.
After I graduated from high school, I felt alone and severely depressed again, and I tried telling my boyfriend at the time that I didn't want to go on. Next thing I know, he's down an alley cutting his wrists.
Two years ago, I tried overdosing on whatever I could because I didn't want to feel any more pain, but all it was was muscle relaxers. My husband just didn't seem to care at the time.
I went to the doctor, after I finally got insurance, that I felt depressed and I wanted to talk to someone. He referred me to a psychiatrist while prescribing Cymbalta and escitalopram (I could be wrong). I didn't feel any different. I felt the same.
To this day, I haven't seen that psychiatrist because I've been busy working and trying to stay safe. I feel that if I don't work, then I can't support my family.
Tonight, I cried. I was wondering how it would feel to finally end it, but then I wonder about other people. Why do I care though? I should care about me and me only, not about, but this person would be extremely upset. That should not matter, and that shouldn't been a guilt trip.
I have friends that I've spoken to, but I feel limited to what I can say.
I don't have a gun. I don't want to drown myself. I don't want to hang myself. I want to die peacefully. No pain.
I honestly can't deal with this "superficial" pain anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm not really sure what to title this. So this will be long and likely boring. I just need to get something off my chest.
I was having dinner with my friend and we kind of went to a bit of a heavier topic. Now I've never had high self esteem and she knows this. However, I ended up mentioning basically how I feel so guilty that I get what I feel is undeserved praise, that I actively want or at least wanted my parents to get furious with me. I feel like I'm never worth their positive pushing. This apparently surprised her and so I want to expound via an example. When i was young, my parents briefly punished us via spanking. I say briefly not because they changed their ideas on its effectiveness, i say briefly because I actively sought out the punishment because I always thought I deserved it. This all I did tell before I realized that I didn't intend for any of that to ever come out. I wanted to stop talking, but my mouth kept going even though my brain told it to stop. I still feel a bit guilty about accidentally unloading this.
The rest of this I didn't mention. As an extension of this, when they stopped spanking, I started to seek new punishment because I still constantly felt guilty. The way i found it was essentially beating myself whenever I got upset. To this day, when I feel ashamed, I still go back to this. And to this day, I still get nervous when I'm complimented and put unachievable expectations on myself and then get greatly ashamed and sometimes, like earlier this week, will beat myself if I can't reach them out of shame.
I know it's not healthy and I'm trying to work with these problems. I feel guilty and upset at myself for unloading the first half on to someone, scared that I will unload the second half by mistake, and ashamed that I'm too immature to deal with this by myself.
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self.offmychest
|
Today I made...banana bread muffins! Getting my fruits in right? They are super tasty and just like last time, I'd love to share with y'all!
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self.depression
|
I've been waiting for something to push me over the edge, it finally came Long story short: I have no friends. Or I thought I did, but I can't see/talk to them anymore. I also finally, truly, realized I am a piece of shit.
Long story: I've been depressed for a very long time, possibly since I was 8. I've always had behavioral problems (my father has BDP) and I got what you call "fleas" that is, even if I am not BDP myself, I unfortunately picked up some of his traits. Monkey see monkey do after all.
So I've been told to stop acting like a victim and I've been called a compulsive liar. Sure, who hasn't lied in their life once in a while? But I didn't do what this person is accusing me of.
Not too long ago, I was finally able to speak to someone who really understands where I'm coming from. It was nice to have that, just another person like me, not a councilor. Well, I can't do that anymore, I won't go into details but it won't happen. Not unless I want to prove this person's point that yes, I am a liar. So I'm left with nothing.
And I'm ok with that. A while back I was thinking about suicide again, and how doing it now wouldn't seem so scary. It's like all the fear is just gone. I've been waiting for something to push me once more, this time without a doubt, over the edge. I have no where to run. Yes, I am a shitty person. Yes, I have "played the victim" all these years because I don't know how to get better. Drugs don't help, therapy doesn't help. My dad who damaged me will never change because of his personality disorder. I feel that if he were to finally change I might change too.
People say to move on, but I can't. I'm shit shit shit. It's never going to get better. I feel almost happy.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
DAE have a mix of health anxiety and depression where you sometimes wish you got cancer or something similar and other times get scared of the slightest symptom that can be related to cancer or other life threathening health problems?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Anxiety is robbing me of any joy in life. Please help! I have tried several medications for my anxiety. None of them made a difference, and I got almost all of the negative side effects (dizzyness, headache, nausea, libido totally shot). The only thing that seems to work is talk therapy. But it feels like a bandaid. I feel really good getting everything out to my therapist, and she had absolutely made a positive change, in fact she is the best therapist I have ever had.
I have made great strides handling depression (hardly feel it all anymore) and lonliness. But I have crippling anxiety that seems to center around the sense of not being able to control future events and prevent bad things from happening to me. I have a big problem with obsessive thinking. If I start to worry about something I can not let it go and it consumes me for months. Once I feel I have gotten to the point where I have "processed" that worry, a new worry comes along.
It started when I was little. I grew up very religious and I was terrified of hell. For YEARS the fear of hell consumed me. I didn't understand why my parents would give birth to any children if there was a risk they could go to hell. I eventually stopped being religious and those fears subsided. Then it was fear of chilbirth and having children. I realized I am child free (not just because of the fear) and so that subsided. Then it was paying off my student loans. I owe 6 figures. This one actually still is always in the back of my mind. Now its centered around health issues and being caught in a terrorist attack/mass shooting. The idea that I could die at 30 from cancer is devastating to me. I was afraid I had heart problems, got all the tests, nope just anxiety/heartburn. I was afraid I had MS becuase my face and hands and feet would go numb. Just anxiety. I have a family history of skin cancer and other cancers and I used to drink a lot which increases the risk of breast cancer so I am afraid of that. I am afraid to go into major cities becuase I could be attacked by terrorists. I get afraid in movie theatures sometimes after the Aurora shooting. Sometimes I read stories about women who were kidnapped and kept in a single room for years/decades or women who were kidnapped and sold into sex slavery and I have nightmares that could happen to me one day.
I am tense all the time. I don't really enjoy anything, the only thing that gives me a sense of "control" is worrying about things. I worry that if I take a break from worrying, adn read a book or something, I could be caught off gaurd. I am always on gaurd.
I am doing everything I can right. Tried the medication. See the therapist. But I still suffer from this. It feels good to write all of this, but I know that is a temporary feeling. Can someone please please give me some hope? Have you been in this situation and made progress? What helped?
I am posting this here becuase this sub is far more active than the anxiety sub, and anxiety and depression often go hand in hand so I am hoping someone here will have advice for me as well.
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self.depression
|
Nobody likes me. I'm the reason I'm lonely. There is just way too much wrong with me. Every friend I made has left me. I'm just really unlikeable, but I can't help it. I'm stuck in an endless loop of: making friend, them leaving, me crying myself to sleep at night.
I hate myself more than I could ever hate the people that have abandoned me. I'd love to *just* be lonely. But now I'm lonely, and left out and hurt.
|
self.depression
|
I wonder... For the last three years, I thought I suffered from depression. I got severe depressive episodes when all I could do was sleeping or doing just nothing. I felt either extremely sad or completely empty. So much that I couldn't even be sad. To the point of suicidal thoughts. These usually happened for some weeks, until I felt entirely okay again.
When I am depressed, I feel hopeless, and therefore, master at hiding it. I started skipping class because I couldn't get out of bed. I also started smoking pot. Eventually, this got to a point I lost control because of all my failures. Speaking a bit about it to my family shut it off for a bit and then, a few days after, once again I felt as if I was perfectly okay.
A series of complete mood swings have led me to realize these mood swings were going on for a while now, and maybe for the last three years. My friends started to notice it a few months ago (which I denied hardly or thought of excuses) and so did I. This doesn't seem to be as just "recovery" as it makes me much more reckless, fearless, talkative, happy (every party or friends I meet feels the most wonderful, which led me into depression when some of them left), impulsive, but most problematic of all, very easily unfocused and irritable.
I keep going from one state to another: "emptiness" to "happiness". For sure, my times being great do not seem to have ever lasted as long and strong as could hit the bad ones. I went to see a therapist a couple times but who never had time to diagnose me.
I felt as I needed to write an entire text in order to get my ideas clearer. I'm not really looking for an answer to what qualifies me but felt like talking to some people could help a bit clearing this blur.
EDIT : I'm just back from a three-days of great anxiety (this is somehow recent) and about-to-go-back into depression, and ended as I am right now: perfectly fine.
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self.bipolar
|
I’m doing a mini series on how I’m overcoming my anxiety disorder It’s gonna be a few posts on how I’m fighting my GAD
[the link is here ](https://t.co/JPSNHZB3sY)
Hope someone finds it helpful
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self.Anxiety
|
Uneducated, unskilled, friendless and suicidal. I feel the only way out of this meaningless existence is suicide. I went to public school until third grade when my mom met my stepdad, he was a conspiracy theorist who thought school just brainwashes kids to be followers of the elite corporations, he was unemployed with no money when he moved in and stayed that way.
He convinced my mom to homeschool me,which she only did once a week until sixth grade. After that nothing. I never had any interactions with anyone else other than them my whole childhood.
When I turned twenty I miraculously passed the GED test and got a drivers license and was kicked out of the house by my stepdad. I was homeless and got a minimum wage jobs and roommates that never worked out, because I had no social skills and still don't. I always had anxiety and depression over my working, education and social skills.
So I broke down and tried suicide, got community mental health and approved for disability and section 8.
I have been living off this for a few years, but still have no friends and can't enjoy anything. Not even movies or music because I see people living full meaningful lives in movies and singing about love in songs.
I feel like I can't go on living as an uneducated, unskilled thirty year old on disability with no prospects of a career or social life in sight. I just don't see a solution to this problem do you?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How anxious thoughts ruined Weed (the first thing I liked) and then my life [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Getting harder and harder to distract myself. I've had depression since I was 9 years old (I'm now 30), and distraction has always been my go-to coping method. These days, though, it's getting harder and harder to distract myself from my self-hateful thoughts. I can never seem to focus on whatever it is I'm reading, watching, or listening to for longer than a few minutes at a time before my self-hateful thoughts sneak back in and ruin it for me.
It doesn't help, either, that it's become "cool" to be an internet troll, which means that every time I post online, I risk being torn to shreds by people who think it's fun to make others feel horrible about themselves. This just fuels my self-hateful thoughts and makes them even harder to ignore. Nor does it help that my mom (who's one of my only friends, as sad as that is) has low self-esteem issues which tend to cause her to be overly-critical to me at times. I just want a cure for my depression, and my anxiety issues as well. I do take antidepressants, but those only take the edge off of my anxiety, and they do jack shit for my depression. I'm getting really sick and tired of being me.
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self.depression
|
I tore my relationship apart and ruined the best person I'll ever be with I really resisted making any reddit posts about my breakup but I've snapped because I've cried on so many shoulders and none of my friends seem to understand, making me feel even lonelier.
He's my best friend, and I know everyone says that about their SO but I don't know how else to put it. He's my confidant, the only person I can spend hours talking to, my co-chef, my walking companion, the one who's always there to listen to me but also the one who knocks me down a peg if I ever need it. He's the one I thought I wanted to wake up to every morning, and the one I wanted to come home to every evening.
But there's something wrong, and I don't know what it is. The past year has just consumed me with anxiety about us, and I can't let him kiss me or touch me without feeling like I'm going to explode into a panic attack. I can't have sex with him. I can't do anything that couples do because it all feels forced and wrong and awful and I don't know why, I just know that I can't make things work any more and I have to let him go even though every day without him kills me.
I've tried talking to friends but everyone gives the generic 'time will heal' and 'no contact' breakup advice. This doesn't feel like a breakup. I love him more than I've ever loved anyone. I just can't make myself happy in this relationship and it's killing me and him, and no one understands. I desperately want to take him back and comfort him and discuss what can change and decide we can make it work. But I don't know how, and for some reason it feels wrong.
I apologise for being so melodramatic. It's hard to hold it together when my housemates have been cuddling on the sofa and discussing the house they'll buy together all evening. That was a dream I used to have, and talk about, and now I'm just lost and lonely and heartbroken.
I just want a hug from someone who understands.
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self.offmychest
|
Woebot : A. I. CBT bot. I've been using this service for a couple of weeks and it's a interesting substitute for therapy. If you want to learn CBT techniques, with a bit more interaction than a self-help book, you might like to give it a try. I think it is helping me.
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self.depression
|
Is this weird Not as suicidal anymore but somedays i think of suicide and im not even scared i feel relief.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Working/Studying is misery Hello guys. I have a problem for 4-5 years and i hope you guys can help me. I diagnosed with severe anxiety disorder and using SSRIs for 3 years. So lets get to the main subject. I want to change my mentality. When i see some people that enjoy their work-studying etc. I wonder why i am not like this. So i figured out that i can handle my problems and pass my exams too but it feels like torture. It feels like misery. Me and x person give equal effort on one job but x person is happy/energetic .. but me. Me. I always try my work done with minimum effort and i always play to save the day. How can i ge rid of and be more enjoyable person ?
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self.Anxiety
|
An upcoming birthday always brings the anxiety back Most people would roll their eyes at me upon learning the fact that I'll only be turning 17 in the next few weeks. I'd imagine whatever issues a teenager is going through will probably seem trivial to any adult that's on this subreddit, but r/Anxiety is my only source of venting, so I'm going to post my feelings anyway.
In the upcoming year, I'll be considered an adult, but I continue to have the mental capacity of an 11 year old at best. The fact that I'll soon be 17 has only reminded me of how many people have been pressuring me to get a job, and how impossible that actually seems. I can't even comprehend it.
I'm an 11th grader whose still doing math at the 8th grade level because of how incompetent I am. I'm constantly telling myself I want to improve my capabilities in any subject, but as soon as I even open a book, I cry. I tried to promised myself I'd get some of my science done over the winter week since I'm *a year behind*, but I'm so pathetically unmotivated and inept that I didn't even bother to finish a single page.
The return to school tomorrow is already making me panic, and in only a month I'll be switching schools, which is an even greater cause of anxiety. I've been doing nothing but the same subject (and *only* that subject) for the past 4 months, and this will likely continue for the entirety of this semester because of how mentally slow I am. Add this on top of the fact that I'm going to have to deal with yet another group of people at my new school, and all I can do is picture myself having a mental breakdown on the first day.
Call me an angsty teenager, but if being 16 is causing me this much trouble, I don't want to live to see adulthood- if we're lucky, perhaps the bus will crash on my way to school and I'll die. It's not like I had a future ahead of me anyway.
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self.Anxiety
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Probably said a lot but I feel quite worthless and could not give a toss what happens to me. Need to vent to strangers (definitely not like me to do this). TL;DR:
My love life is really affecting me.
My job is affecting me.
My lack of money skills is affecting me.
I really hate myself.
Hi everyone,
I have never posted here before, but yes, I do suffer significant depression and I am currently seeking help at this stage in time. At one stage it was making me feel better but now my life as pretty much imploded. My love life is no more since the break up of my 7 year relationship. She claims to want to be friends but she never contacts me at all, ever and seems to keep making new "friends" which coincidentally are all guys....Makes my self hating imagination run wild and makes hurtful assumptions.
My job is sometimes quite aggressive and very hostile at best of times. I fear for my safety sometimes and as I put everyone else first over myself (not just at work), it constantly bites me in the arse.
I'm one of those people who does not give a fuck about themselves and puts others first. I feel quite underappreciated at the best of times.
I haven't got many friends. I have two good mates and they are quite supportive but don't know how to look at my situation or help with it. I feel guilty with the burden .
I have had suicidal thoughts and they still come and go. I was abused at work at one stage that made me so hysterical that I made a half arsed attempt to cut myself at work with a screwdriver. Broke skin but not deep. The thoughts are coming back again, especially today even though nothing triggered it.
I really want someone to care for but I have really bad social skills and I'm definitely not a good looker. Using Tinder is a fail and a half for me. I guess i am versing one night stander, better looking guys than me. It sucks I do not wish to do that to someone. I try to be the nicest person around but it's so difficult when everyone around me either takes advantage of that or don't want to give me the time of day.
I want to care for someone. But I cannot find anyone. I wish I knew how to talk to people or even meet people.
Is this how life is? If it is, I fucking hate it and want it to end.
**What do I do Reddit? Could you guys give me some advice? Thanks everyone. **
This is going to look weird and out of place in my post history.
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self.depression
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I don't think I can deal with my partner's anxiety anymore I'm writing this in the hopes that there are some people reading who aren't anxiety sufferers themselves but have partners/spouses with an anxiety disorder and are largely going through the same thing I am.
Firstly, my partner hasn't been diagnosed with an anxiety disorder, and frankly I'm worried about approaching the subject with them because I know the response will be her walking away, walling herself off and not talking to me about it, and instead just walling herself off from me (the one person she can tell absolutely everything to), and I think that would be much worse for her. However there are a few things that have led me to think this:
1) Everything in our lives that goes wrong is her fault - no question, no arguing it, even if I try to tell her every logical reason it isn't she says she understands but I know it hasn't gotten through
2) Anything and everything will stress her out - and when I say every little thing I mean if a group of documents get printed in the wrong order and she has to sort them out there will be a meltdown. She'll stop talking to me and any advice I try to give goes straight over her head and in her mind it's me telling her she's being stupid (and it really isn't, I just hate seeing her like that so if I can come up with a way to stop it of course I'll tell her).
3) Despite all else she'll focus incessantly on her failures - and pretty much everything she does counts as a failure - she holds herself to almost inhuman standards. She expects herself to excel in everything, even when it is literally impossible, so if there are some exams instead of being happy she passed (or even the fact she passed well in some of them) she'll zone in on the fact she didn't excel in all of them. And if there is one she excels in, she'll say it's a worthless module so it doesn't count.
4)The meltdowns - they come in all shapes and sizes and the triggers can be anything. Maybe we're running late for something, that's all it takes, and then she's gone - she's silent, zoned out and it makes me feel like crap because I feel like I should've seen it coming. Or we're talking about work and somebody mentions something she doesn't know, and suddenly she's stressed and believes she knows nothing and she's a failure. It's gotten to the point where I feel like I'm walking on eggshells around her sometimes, I avoid work like the plague because all it takes is me mentioning one thing I'm interested in and that's it there's a meltdown and I feel like I've caused it.
5) The coping technique (or lack of) - she attributes all this to stress, but it leads to close to weekly breakdowns. And the only way to deal with this "stress" is for a 2 hour break of crying in which I have to motivate her back up to working again (this I'd say happens every couple of weeks on average). If I'm lucky it will be 2 hours of crying, if I'm not (and this has happened at least 3 times) she will ignore me, say she's going out (be it day or midnight) and just leave. No matter how much I try to convince or plead her not to, even just for the fact it isn't safe I'll get ignored and she's off and suddenly I'm spending 3 hours running around in the dark trying to find her thinking the whole thing is my fault (especially if something happens) because I couldn't stop her from leaving.
It's been a year and it's completely drained me emotionally - I spend a good portion of my life in constant worry about how something that just happened could cause the next meltdown.
I can deal with all that though, the thing that hurts the most is what tends to happen whenever one of these meltdowns happens - big or small. She'll say how she's been having doubts about us and can't see a future with us any more and how we should go on a break. At the beginning it was fine, but now having to convince her how much I love her when she has doubts about us every few weeks makes me feel awful. And it's affecting every portion of my life - eg if I have a night set aside to do a whole load of work that absolutely needs to get done and something stresses her out, she'll just straight up tell me she's been having doubts and there's no way I can work.
We have separate houses but we spend basically all of our time together which is the other thing - I feel smothered and lonely. I can't say I want to spend a bit more time apart and with my friends because she'll see it as me saying I don't love her and she's flat out told me she'd be upset if I wanted to spend a bit of time apart. Normally that wouldn't be an issue, but I'm the one she comes to with all her problems and I'm worried she won't talk to anybody else and just bottle it up.
I feel awful and so guilty writing this but if there's somebody else that's been through a similar thing, any advice at all would be appreciated so much. I know if it is anxiety it isn't something she can control, nor something she chose and I wholeheartedly appreciate that. But after a year of this mental onslaught I'm feeling unwanted, underappreciated and I need let it out. I feel like I have no control over my life anymore, no certainty and the worry that normal things that other couples can take in their stride will be crippling for us and I won't be able to talk to anybody else about it.
Thank you so much for reading, and for any advice.
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self.Anxiety
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Any music, poetry, art suggestions that are perfect for describing anxiety or depression?? Could even be what you guys listen to when you’re having a low moment?? Idk just struggling and have a craving within me to feel connected and feel like I’m not so alone in these feelings
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self.Anxiety
|
Can't take anymore I've decided I'm going to kill myself on Christmas ever, I've had one horrible year, my wife left me taking my babies accusing me of being controlling and mentally abusing her and my children although your reading one side I assure you it's the opposite... I've been accused the last year of cheating when I've just found out it was her all along with a so called friend of mine.. I've lost my children in the family courts even though they have expressed they want to live with me telling the court how abusive she was to me but it was all ignored, I'm financially ruined because of her and she even told me this is what she would do from the beginning. I don't sleep eat or anything else I should.I have been talking to professional but that doesn't help either? I've been accused of doing drugs even though I've taken tests that have all come back clear., my only answer now is to hang myself because all I do now is just exist and work to pay her? I'm still in the family home and the silence is just horrible, given I won't even get to see my children for Christmas I will drop the presents I can afford at her front door ring the bell and walk away as I don't want the kids waking up without gifts from me, I'll the be coming home and just ending it all Christmas eve. I don't know why I'm putting this up here? I guess I'm just alone and can't handle it anymore, anyway thanks for reading.
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self.SuicideWatch
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On the track to getting help Been suffering from anxiety all my life, nothing to drastic just some social anxiety and nervousness. But up until was was unemployed for a while that it really started taking effect. I couldnt eat for 3 days and I didnt leave the house for 2 weeks. After finding a job some of it went away but i get panicked way more often, my appetite is way better but it still has its bad days. I told my mom that sometimes I cant eat but i feel awfully hungry but not that I actually do have anxiety all the time. Thats all I was able to tell her before more anxiety came in and then I just couldnt tell her more. She scheduled me with a doctor next week and there ill tell them about my anxiety.
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self.Anxiety
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Do you believe in Redemption? Sometimes I worry if I deserve to live. If it’s alright that I try to get the good things in life. Should I be barred from ever having a good relationship, a good job, and a good life? As if I should be punished forever for the terrible things I have done in the past, whether due to mania, temper tantrums, or stupid mistakes. Does redemption even exist?
Do any of you guys experience self-hatred? How have you practiced self-compassion and made amends with damaging mistakes?
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self.bipolar
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I think i have powers! Call me crazy, I don’t care: I think I can manipulate time! Or maybe, it manipulates me. I don’t think this is a delusion because A) I’m still on my meds, but a low dose B) I’m not overly manic or depressed C) I’m not having an episode D) I can feel the time changing, I never *feel* things when I’m having a delusion
I’m glad I figured this out! I can’t wait to use it once I figure out how!!!
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self.bipolar
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Body aches after super stressful day or anxiety attack So yesterday I had a really scary, stressful day. Lots of stuff happening at work. I was really tense and fearful but i did stave off a full on panic attack (they don't manifest until i get home and/or out in public). Today this morning the "stressor" aka manipulative person i have to deal with was apologetic and nice (its still a front). Shortly after, my body started to hurt. Like all over. Like the flu. But im positive i don't have the flu (i already got it and i got a flu shot).
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self.Anxiety
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Please treat your kids right. Hug them, tell them you love them. It’s almost 2018 and I have realized that this entire year will be added to the others that I have spent in a hellhole. I made a Reddit to rant to anonymous strangers on the internet and am feeling pathetic for it as no one would take me seriously if I said any of this in real life. I am fortunate and appreciate all that’s been given to me in my life. However, I lacked a loving mother and father growing up and have always been subjected to, dare I call it, severe verbal discipline. Several hours of harsh yelling would be the result of accidentally forgetting to rinse out the mop as a third grader. There is only so many times someone can call you a stupid piece of shit before you believe it yourself. I became a nervous child, and never spoke until spoken to. I would be terrified to play outside of the privacy of a locked room. Despite this, I no longer hold blame to my parents. That is all that they were taught, although nothing can make it right. To this day, I panic when someone of authority even raises their voice slightly. But I believe that forgiveness may as well be the first step to forgiving myself. I am still young, 17, and I would like to say: DEPRESSION IS VERY REAL. It leaves you neglecting everyone around you and your personal hygiene. It saps away your ability to live. I thought I was just “growing up” and that I would grow out of the “moods”. But here I am, five years later, with the only thing stopping me from suicide being the thought of accidentally turning myself into a vegetable. I had suffered from a self harm addiction for the last year and I think I’ve kicked it for good. No one knew. Three rounds of antidepressants and attempts at therapy; yet, the fog still lingers. Does it get better?
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self.depression
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I want to do it now, will this kill me? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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i'm manic and it's a fucking relief So it's been nearly two years since I've been noticeably manic.
For the last 18 months I've been wondering if I still had bipolar and I couldn't ever fully accept that I was bp1 until I was manic for the 2nd time. After all these years. Thank god.
And it's a great mania so far, I'm talkative. I'm witty. I'm setting goals and achieving them. Life is so good.
Thanks for reading!
edit: this could technically be hypomania but in this case the distinction doesn't matter to me.
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self.bipolar
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Not every manic purchase is a bad idea... In 2014, in my last (year long) manic episode before meds, I bought 0.11 Bitcoin for ~$55. Forgot about it until this month. It's worth more than ten times as much! Ten times more and it'll be enough to pay off the sportsbike...
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self.bipolar
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Anyone facing friendship difficulties after revealing? After noticing the scars on my arm (from guess what?), I had to tell some of my friends about how I'm feeling emotionally. Now I feel they're overly concerned but also distancing themselves from me. '
I don't know what I should do and I'm not sure if I should talk about it to anyone else again.
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self.depression
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I know I shouldn't be chasing the past But sometimes I feel as though the best/happiest days of my life are long behind me, and I'll never feel that level of joy again.
I've always had this thought in the back of my head, but with Christmas around the corner I feel it more so now.
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self.offmychest
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I made up my mind If I am trans and I can't fix myself, then I will fucking end it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m Resentful That I Wasn’t Helped Earlier I recently watched a video of myself in kindergarten. It was four hours long but just by watching five minutes you can tell that I was severely depressed at the time. I was very obviously dissociating, barely smiled or talked to the other kids, had no interest in schoolwork or circle time, and broke down crying at one point. You can tell by the reactions of the teachers and kids that this was a daily occurrence. They were basically like “Oh no not again, Lisa’s crying. Just ignore her and finish your ABCs.” I used to self harm in class by giving myself papercuts on purpose or jumping off the playground to hurt myself. I didn’t do it that day because I was being videoed, but on other days they had a “oh no, not again” attitude and even gave me timeout for it.
The most egregious incident was when one kid brought “poison apples” to class and I ate one, then lay down in the naptime room waiting to quietly die in my sleep. The teachers made it into a joke and explained that the kid was lying/joking about it being poison. They were laughing about this to each other behind my back. Seriously.
I honestly wish someone had stepped in and intervened when I was younger. I feel it would have saved me a lot of misery.
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self.depression
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What is the process of checking yourself into a facility to prevent yourself from committing suicide? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Want to shut my eyes for the last time. I feel nothing...except cold. I have no passion(s), no hobbies, no talents or skills. No future. No hope. Want to go to some deep woods, sit down at a big tree, and finally put a bullet through my head. I can save people from the disappointment of knowing/meeting me. "To know a life of pain and strife, too many years spent under the ice. I'm so alone. I've been living my life so cold, and I will die cold and all alone." Trapped Under Ice - Reality Unfolds.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I am free My once kind, considerate and sweet boyfriend has become controlling, critical and abusive. I left his house last night and I’m not going back. I feel sick to my stomach, but knowing that I don’t have to be belittled and yelled at in public anymore is something that I am excited for. I am excited to feel like I am loved and respected. Thank you reddit for sharing your own stories, it helps to know that I am not alone.
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self.offmychest
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I want to hear your story. I am a listening ear and I want to vent too [deleted]
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self.depression
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Anxiety over using the phone So I've noticed through the years that I get extremely nervous about talking on the phone. Getting a cell really unsettles me and unless it's my parents or husband, I can't answer. Usually I read the transcript from the voice mail.
Today I got a call from a job I interviewed with. As usual I let it go to voicemail but now I'm too scared to even read the transcript.
My heart starts racing, I get a cold and tight feeling in my chest, I start shaking and sweating. I probably won't be able to know what it's about until my husband gets home from work and listens to it first.
I HATE being like this. Is anyone else weird about phone usage? Any advice? Thank you.
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self.Anxiety
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The amount of people complaining about not receiving presents annoys me You're an adult (supposedly), other adults didn't want to spend money on you, that's absolutely fine
There's nothing stopping you from going to the shops and buying things for yourself (other than laziness)
And yes, you're probably right, they might not "appreciate" you, but they're under no obligation to do so.
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self.offmychest
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I feel so alone So I've been off work going on 3 months due to my pregnancy and not being able to take all my meds. Today HR calls me and tells me "we are approaching 90 days and there's not really much they can do after that". I have an appointment with my pdoc tomorrow and she said she's "hoping the doctor has a good feeling about this". But little does she know, I go in every appointment with a list of symptoms from the disorders (bipolar and BPD) and tell them I can't work because of xyz. Tomorrow I planned on doing the same because after my Zoloft was increased I'm having more symptoms and my anxiety is through the roof. Of course I didn't tell her that. And she wants me to call her tomorrow with an update.
My fiancé is at work. My mom is at work busy and none of my friends remotely understand. I'm freaking out. My leg won't stop shaking and I just can't believe this is happening. I'm trying so hard to get back right and they just don't see that. Add the fact that my therapist is a complete cunt and didn't schedule me for today even though I haven't seen her but once all month. So yea I have like NO ONE ELSE TO TALK TO!
What do I do guys/gals? Can they really fire a mentally disabled pregnant person? Ahhhhhhhh
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self.bipolar
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Starting to remember that life is about me, not her [deleted]
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self.depression
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I feel awful and I just need to know if I was in the wrong It's my grandma's birthday and there is a huge party for her, I went and stayed for an hour but then the sleet started coming down HARD and since I am not a very strong driver, I decided it would be best if I took off a bit early.
I feel awful now and I think my entire family is pissed at me... I guess I deserve it though
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self.depression
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Hypovigilence and Wellbutrin (day 15) I'm on day 15 of wellbutrin and I still don't feel capable of driving a car I'm waiting for it to kick in still I suppose. I am Bipolar I w/ comorbid ADHD. I have never had a license. A friend offered to help me get one, but I don't think I'm capable of driving. I am currently at a psych ward and can't take stimulants here but hopefully they "enable" me along with the Wellbutrin and my newly discovered Lithium carbonate 1200mg (it takes the mania and bad thoughts away. I never had a license because I'm on SSI and permanently disabled). They are suppose to be sending me to a board and care where the food technically sucks and I'm also on court probation so I have to keep a busy schedule. I'm trying to get my GED because I completely failed high school. I'm 34 years old and very disadvantaged. Do you think the Wellbutrin is going to be a game changer to my situation and make my capacity higher or will I always be a dulled out capacity? The doctor says mania is like a concussion or mild stroke and that it takes months to recover from it. I hear from her that Lithium repairs brain matter. One thing I noticed is I use to be able to write scripts in computer languages now I feel too amotivated to do anything meaningful anymore. With a stimulant (needs to be strong) I know I can focus on GED. However keeping up with tolerance is not easy. Yesterday the Wellbutrin made me feel high on some kind of drug. I had euphoria. I have been getting strange dreams too. I'm hoping I have more energy and feel stimulanted to do tasks.
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self.bipolar
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Starting therapy for my depression, any tips going into it?
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self.depression
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I don't know if this is depression (a long one) I'm 21f and to others I am a high functioning 'normal' person. Outgoing, talkative and friendly. That is when I'm with friends, were I am most comfortable. Granted I know every other person has their own battles. But what I'm experiencing is getting out of hand.
Graduated with a diploma a term late due to retaking a class. Parents (divorced, Dad cheated and lives with 'them' while I live with my mum) were adamant in getting a degree. They are paying, Im genuinely grateful.
The thing is that my mother consistently tells me off for being useless and not worth it. She just says that in general regardless of what I do. I help with chores and she nitpicks and says if im going to do it wrong might as well not do it at all. I have had eczema since birth, triggered by some foods and hot environments. I live in quite a hot climate.
She constantly looks at me and says things like you shouldn't wear shorts/skirts its an ugly site for others to see. Prods and forces her hands on me, even when I said no multiple times, to look/touch at my skin/outbreaks when it does happen. She says it out of concern but honestly it stresses me out and more often that not her hands are not cleaned/washed.
The bad skin (face and body) on me already takes a toll on my self esteem. Having someone forcing to look at them and criticise you for something you can't control is another.
She also mentions that nobody would want to be my friend with a face like mine. At the same time she gets cross if when I mention going out with them and question how they would want to befriend such a disgusting rash infested person.
Questions why Im born like this and compares me to other people. Mentions the costs of my condition. Asks why cant it be cured and says I dont take care of myself. (There is no CURE, only levels of steroid cream and pills to prevent the feeling of itch) I have been on a long term diet avoiding the food-allergy triggers and have not partaken in any activities in heated environments. Meaning the breakout was due to one other leading factor, stress.
One time I took a small steroid shot to calm the outbreak. It worked, but as with steroids' nature, the effects are only temporary. During this period she thought I was 'cured' and was fucking ecstatic. All until the effects began to wear off. The insults started coming back, blaming me and saying I dont take care of myself.
She doesnt understand the concept of steroids. I keep telling her its temporary and there is no cure but she turns a deaf ear to any explanation.
I used to think what she does was out of concern but I dont know what to think now.
I've cooped myself in my room, avoiding crossing paths and only going out when she is at work. Staying up late and not wanting to be awake during the day. I lost confidence in myself. Having to hear degrading things spoken to me daily. Never once has she spoken or conversed with me as a person. I am confident my friends know me better than she. She's 52 and an incredible woman, I have utmost respect for her but it is hard when it hurts.
- moving out is not a norm here in asia. A place to stay on your own before you are married is uncommon & extremely costly, Im a poor student. A family or friend is not an option as I do not want to burden others with the mess that is me. I dont want to paint a bad image of my mother either.
Now Im in my first year of uni. I enrolled with a friend so it helped with coping regarding schoolwork. Got by 1st term and in my second one now.
But now I don't have the motivation or drive to do my assignments. Perhaps its me not wanting to have the potential of failing. Having the past experience of failing before. But its so bad that I'm now pretty fucked and would have to retake classes. The cost which I have a solution for but the problem is not even wanting to do anything about it for the rest of the term i.e not attending class, avoiding the exam.
I find myself in my room on my bed not wanting to go out again.
Crying in the shower, the only place I can. Avoiding texts from classmates and friends.
Lying to them to avoid and say Im ill rather than go to class or out when I'm basically lying in bed. I've lost motivation and self-esteem tremendously in the past 3 years.
I'm very sure thousands of others here have it infinitely worse than me but I'm very much lost and hurt. Does anyone feel similar?
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self.depression
|
Any tips for working on a thesis while being bipolar? Normally you write your thesis within half a year, I'm am working on it for like a year now. Sometimes I get these motivational moments and can write until the early hours, but those are fractions of how many time I have to spend on it. I know, take your time, do what you can.
Also, maybe you people have some tips on how to write a thesis more structured? Because it's standing still for about two weeks now and I don't have much motivation while depressed or hypomanic.
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self.bipolar
|
extreme hypnic jerking while falling asleep Does anyone else here have the same problem. Like you're literally on the very cusp of falling asleep but then you get jolted awake. Either in the form of falling sensation AND/OR sudden muscle twitch. And it happens all night resulting in very little sleep. I have had it for 2 month now. But 3 days ago it really turned to shit. I have not slept more than 3 hours a night since. Im too tired to type any more. Can any one else relate
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self.Anxiety
|
My life is a shit show Ill keep this sweet and simple.
My ex dumped me while I was at college, she instantly got with another guy.
She also had an abortion with my child.
I keep dreaming about my ex.
My parents weren't even together when My twin and I were conceieved and were brought into this world.
Both of our parents abandoned us.
out of everything I wanna kill myself, because I've been misstreated my entire life.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel empty and alone. By all accounts I should be happy and grateful for my life. But I think about dying multiple times a day. Either through accident or suicide. I feel like I have no control over any of the aspects in my life. I don't feel like I get to chose what I do with it. I feel trapped in this bullshit just going through motions because they're considered something everyone should be doing. I feel hallowed out inside. Over the years it's like whatever inside me was good has just decayed. I feel that I've also become extremely bitter towards the world, wishing bad things on strangers for ridiculous things like a bad glance. I feel like my life is constantly hindered by my inability to perform up to anyone's standards. I'm constantly letting my wife down. I don't feel like a good role model for my daughter either. I feel like they would both be better off if I took a huge life insurance policy out on myself and just slit my own throat. At least then I could provide for them. Did I mention I'm 22?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Coming off of Remeron I've been consulting with my psychiatrist about switching my meds and coming off of Remeron and starting on Abilify. Does anyone have any experience with this or any advise?
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self.depression
|
I’m a little lost Where to start? I’m not one for sharing feelings, Yorkshire grit and the like. A friend introduced me to Reddit so thort I’d give it a go. Apologies in advance for any grammar/spelling mistakes. I’m 26 years old and have pretty much lived with my father for the majority of that. (Am living at home still). When I was young I had aspirations but life seems to have worn them away. I have always been kind of shy thereby not making many friends at all really. I have had like never been in a relationship, so that combined with few friends makes for a pretty lonely existence. I am the youngest of 4 siblings each of whom have left home and are either married or in relationships. I just find myself in a funk that I cannot get out of. Out of my family I am the one that seems the happiest/the strongest. I am the one they come to for advice. Yet in all honesty I’m pretty broken inside. I just put on a front to loved ones. On top of all this I am watching my fathers health slowly deteriorating. He seems to be getting worse by the year and I can’t do anything to fix it. Also my own health concerns bug me. Yet I do nothing about them because I tend to care for everyone else before myself. I just keep living paycheque to paycheque never really getting ahead in life. And worrying about my father. It’s just grinding me down and I have no idea how to pull myself up. Anyhoo that’s my sad story for the night. Thanks for reading.
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self.offmychest
|
My wife and I don't really talk about our wedding. This is a throwaway account.
My best man was someone that I had met through high school band. While we didn't go to the same school, we met through district and state functions that had placed us together through an auditioned process. We were not at all involved in each other's lives other than these functions. We exchanged numbers once because we were always placed in chairs next to each other and sometimes we would chat but that's it. Fast forward to the end of high school and it turned out we were both looking to go to the same university for the same degree. We became roommates. This seemed better than ending up with a complete stranger.
While in college we were both very competitive and sometimes that caused issues as we both played the same instrument. Most of the time, however, we got along and I'd say that he was probably a great choice of a roommate. We both came from different home lives so we were two incredibly different people. His family was super close, caring, and giving. My family was nothing like this. While they are not bad people by any means, we were just all very independent people and we only got together a few times a year. My roommate went home almost every weekend. I would more or less stay in my dorm room playing video games and drinking. It wasn't like this every weekend. While my roommate was seemingly conservative he also drank and was promiscuous at times. I think college made him more liberal the longer he was there. Exposure will do that to you, you know?
It was at this time that I had met my wife through marching band. She posted a song lyric on Facebook and it was one that I had always liked, so I messaged her to talk about music and we hit it off. Shortly after we began dating. She introduced me to many new things. Jack's Mannequin, Chipotle, and so much more. And before you judge me for not knowing about Chipotle, I didn't have the means to get out much so I found I was lacking in many areas of food knowledge. My mother brought me up on McDonald's because she never felt like cooking. I didn't turn out to be obese, thankfully. My wife (long-time girlfriend at the time) was actually two years ahead of me so she graduated and found another job...in another state. Me, being afraid of the long-distance relationship, ended things. We were separated for a year and found our way back to each other when she moved back home for a closer job. I proposed to her in front of her favorite painting (Time transfixed, Rene Magritte) in Chicago during a vacation week we took together and we are now expecting our first child in March.
It came time to pick my groomsmen. It was at this point in my life I realized how distant my career has made me from everyone other than my wife. My long hours really had kept me just working, going home, sleeping and repeating the process. The money is good (enough for a kid who didn't grow up with a lot of it) and the vacation time is unreal, though, I only wanted to use the vacation time to recover from all of my work hours, not socialize. I didn't have bad friends, it was more my fault, I suppose. There were easily 5 men that I had spent enough time with to call my good friends. My childhood best friend and I don't speak anymore so that was not an option, though, I'm sure his speech would have been miles ahead better than what I was given at my wedding.
The day of the wedding, the last thing on my mind is that my idiot best man would have presented the most embarrassing, cherry-picked, and stupid speech I have ever heard. Not since Michael Scott and Pam and Jim's rehearsal dinner have I heard something so incoherent and stupid. This is while I will be telling my son to not only proofread his best man's speech but also make sure that it is written down. As humans we tend to say stupid shit when we're nervous and it showed on my wedding night.
My best man grabs the mic and in front of all of my friends, family, colleagues, and my wife's side of the family, and begins to go on about everything he should not have. From memory, I will do my best to give you a word-for-word of the speech that lead to the most embarrassing moment of my life:
"Hello, everyone. My name is John (not real name) and I am (my name)'s best man. I remember once when I walked into the dorm room and there were 6 beer bottles on the floor that he had just drank through in a few hours. He's a great musician but man he can drink a lot, usually just sitting in his boxers. I also remember once when I walked in he asked me if I had ever thought about being gay! Anyway, (name) is a great guy and he's perfect for (wife's name). They broke up once but that's okay. They're together now. I'm really happy for you guys and I'm sure you'll do fine. (Name) has been with a lot of other girls so it's nice to see that he finally found someone that will also put up with his cockiness. Congratulations!"
Now I know that seems short but for me it felt like an eternity. My best man just spent a few minutes nit-picking literally the dumbest parts of his memories with me or some of the worst memories I have ever had. When I ended things with my now wife, it was the most difficult thing I had to go through and an incredibly tough decision. Here I was reliving it on my wedding day. So was she. I spent a good deal of time drinking within the first couple years of college and for the most part just quit because it got old and I became more busy. The thing about me asking whether or not he ever thought about being gay was not even true. I'm not sure if he knew that or was just trying to be funny but I'm sure my professional colleagues at the reception didn't think so. I certainly know my wife didn't think so. The whole thing came close to just ruining the entire night for the two people it was for.
On our way out he came up to me in a hurry, telling me that he hoped his speech didn't make me mad. I was too distracted to spend 5 minutes telling him how stupid I thought he was and honestly the damage was already done. I don't speak to him anymore and I don't plan to. This post was more for me and not so much for others. That night was so embarrassing my wife and I still don't even talk about our wedding so I really just needed to voice it all somehow and I thought a few of you could relate to something in here.
On a serious note, if you're planning to get married, have SOMEONE read any speech made about you. And if your "best" man didn't dedicate enough time to even write it down, make them.
|
self.offmychest
|
Literally nothing makes me more mad than when my husband sleeps on the couch [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm having that "hmm.. maybe I'm fine" feeling You know when things have been not-unstable for a few weeks, maybe even a couple of months and you figure maybe you're fine, what's all the fuss about?
|
self.bipolar
|
Im done im done im done I miss my wife
I miss my life
Im falling apart
Im done
Im sorry tell my mom its not her fault
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Grades slipping, anxiety worsening, I feel "Locked Up." I've written a discarded a post here a few times but now I feel like I just need to project my thoughts and acquire motivation to overcome this feeling. I'm tired of feeling pathetic, I want to feel pathetic all the time but for the past couple weeks that has not solved my problems. I want to stop being pathetic. I need to speak the truth.
I am a student and I'm totally screwing the past semester. I have a difficult degree I lost motivation to really work on my assignments and my grades are sliding very fast. One class, I've gotten barely maybe qualifying grades. The only way I would pass this class is if it was curved considerably. I am too embarrassed to send an email to my professor, I would no way in hell go up to him and ask him face to face. I think I'm going to fail, yet I still show up. I show up although I'm terrified of everyone in that class and failing, but I go and I don't want to be pathetic about it.
My therapist says my problem is ADD. So I agree with my therapist to an extent: I actually try to get my work done but something unconsciously veers my attention to YouTube or Reddit, so I blocked those but that has not helped enough. She suggests a regiment of vitamins and mediation and exercise, and then if those aren't enough Adderoll [which I took for about a month over two years ago where the results were: better attention and grades but my appetite disappeared and my hand tremors worsened, which I've always had and kinda ignore at this point .] That's if The vitamins, excessive, and mediation don't work, now at this moment I don't have time to hunt down vitamins with really complex names ( or maybe I do, I'm so wired with anxiety right now I cant tell), I've noticed If I don't lift or run I wont function as well, but I'm feeling a cold coming from yesterday (probably from stress?), mediation is only marginally effective, but It would help if I went in for longer.
I don't want to avert responsibility, I have been lazy or afraid or something, I'm terrified of the consequences of poor grades like I wont be able to accept it, I will be letting my parents down since they pay for my school. I joke with myself this could go away if I end it all, but in seriousness if i'm choosing between NOTHING or ANYTHING, I'd choose ANYTHING, but I'm in a significant amount of mental pain.
Anyway.
What should I do? I would email my teacher but I would imagine he would want to talk to me (his only office hours are at like a tutoring room, there is always 3 or 4 other students he's talking to, fuck that.) Genuinely confused on how I cant focus on getting this done, I feel like shit because of this "cold" idk what it is. Im sure there are people in a similar situation.
All of this is so overwhelming I just want to sleep and wake up when it goes away, which feels like never.
TL;DR: I'm failing this semester, afraid to email professors to make sure. Something is screwing up my grades whether it be lack of motivation, ADD, or not enough nutrition, excessive, or mindfulness. Either way, I take full responsibility and await consequences.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Advice for Appointment with PDoc Tomorrow and Should I Take A Leave? Hey all. I've lurked on this sub for awhile and could use some help. Once I came to college (I'm a sophomore) I started experiencing what I think were acute mixed episodes, hypomania and depressive episodes. My doctor gave me an SSRI for anxiety and shit got way the fuck worse, and than 100 mg of Lamictal made stuff a lot better. I think for that reason a BP2 diagnosis makes the most sense - I was feeling good for a very long while on Lamictal. During the stress of midterms, I freaked out at my boyfriend and had a really bad depressive freak-out (which is a good way to tell I'm having some sort of mixed episode). My PDoc boosted me up to 200mg of Lamictal.
At the same time as I boosted Lamictal, I had my very first incredibly low spell. Like, so so so so low. The suicidal ideation was terrible and it felt like a knife was through my head. It lasted about ten days, and when I came out of it I'm pretty sure I was a wee bit hypomanic for a bit (like 3 days?? Idk. Lots of hypersexuality).
Things have still been really low a lot of the time - I'm grieving about my diagnosis for the first time and am so confused and scared.
I'm wondering if anyone has any thoughts on what I should talk to my PDoc about tomorrow... I'm thinking about bringing up Latuda or Lithium. I've been at 200 mg of Lamictal for 2.5 weeks now, but I know it could take up to 5 weeks to fully stabilize.
I have the option of taking a semester leave from college and am seriously considering it... I just have no idea how long it could take to figure out medications. Things have been really really low at times, where I feel so awful that I want to quit and go home immediately. I have 7 weeks of break though and have appointments set up with PDocs at home to get medication consultations. I don't know what else there is to try besides adding on some sort of antidepressant like Latuda or possibly adding Lithium. If my boyfriend weren't at school (wouldn't see him for 7 months), I would take a leave. I only have until Dec. 14th to decide which isn't a lot of time at all... I wish I had a crystal ball and could see into the future and know how long it's going to take me to feel better.
|
self.bipolar
|
I’m a depressed piece of shit father So today I finally decided to tell my closest friend that I’m depressed. However while I was doing so some feeling got mixed up and we got mad at each other. So I’m the end his girlfriend got involved and says that I’m a piece of shit father and a terrible boyfriend. She says this because we had to boil water for our babies formula because for the last week my depression has been so bad that I physically feel as though I can’t leave the house. It’s been so bad that I had to call into work once. She say that if my son isn’t motivation enough to get out of the house then I don’t deserve him. Is this true? Does that make me a piece of shit? I’m trying my best and while it’s not the best it’s all I can do til I get medication which is something I’m working on. I’ve been trying so hard to work through my depression and this honestly just makes me want to give up. I work 48 hours a week as well go to college full time and I’m so close to just throwing all away and end it all just because if that’s not good enough then why should a piece of shit like me even be alive.
|
self.depression
|
What helps you get through a panic/anxiety attack? Just wanted to get some recommendations on what helps you while experiencing an attack. Right now, I’m listening to The Anxiety Podcast Episode 195 on Spotify. I attached the link if anybody is interested in checking it out.
So what helps you guys? [The Anxiety Podcast](https://open.spotify.com/episode/3J7eAH4wK02mSt1YVEIjqy?si=nWsdk78PSrSLwkz3_0BhxA)
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm struggling. Badly. With everything. This is going to be an incoherent ramble. I've had depression for years, almost as long as I can remember. Recently, the only girl I've ever truly been attracted to was in a relationship with me for two weeks and then dumped me. She was also my best friend. The only other person I would consider being in a relationship with is her best friend, and I doubt that she would reciprocate my feelings. I just hate myself so much. I hate every fiber of my own being. Mentally, physically, everything. I'm nobody's first choice. The only time I ever spend time with anybody is if I initiate it, and with my insecurity and social anxiety this forces me to believe that they dislike me. The only thing I used to look forward to was lying on my bed looking at my phone. Even that's too hard now. The only thing I even remotely enjoy anymore is physical contact, and I have nobody to get it from. Sometimes I legitimately feel like my life is a detriment to the world in every way. I have been self harming more and more. The other people I know who have self harmed did it because they felt numb and wanted to feel something. I used to be like that. Now all I want is numbness. An escape from the hell that is every moment of my existence. I used to think I wouldn't survive until my next birthday. Now I'm not sure if I can survive until 2018. Soon I won't know if I'll survive the next week. The next day. The next hour. Yesterday I wrote a suicide note. I just don't know what to do. I can't go on like this for much longer.
|
self.depression
|
Too many negative thoughts I have too many negative thoughts. Everytime I start doing something my mind is immediately invaded with a stream of them which prevents me from completing my initial task. I've been to therapy and all the therapist said I basically interpreted as being optimistic and not focusing on the negatives about myself. But I believe I have nothing but flaws and there's nothing good about me. I find therapy to be useless and I don't have an optimistic view on life - life is meant for suffering, or at least that's all I experienced past childhood.
|
self.depression
|
I'm rapid cycling to the point where I have drastic mood changes hours apart. From suicidal to fine, like nothing happened. It's freaking me out. [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
I’m happily married but can’t stop thinking about fucking other people. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
It all feels like its crumbling I can't do anything right anymore. My girl and I have been fighting financial struggle for about 7 months now. Our cars broke down in two separate locations and even though the businesses promised they woildnt tow them they did. Now it will cost 700 to get our cars back which we dont have and cant get. We are not going to have rent and our roomates are going to kick us out. We thought things were just about to get better with both getting new jobs. But then this shit happens. I cant do it anymore and I know she can't. I'm supposed to be the one who can help her get through tough times but I'm losing the fight inside of me. I just want to die. I really do.
|
self.depression
|
My family is controlling and unsympathetic I can’t take it anymore. Everytime I go to make my own decisions they lead me to believe that’s ok. But when I actually make my own choices oh suddenly it’s WWIII! Oh how dare you make your own choices, you don’t know what your doing. I know what’s best for you just let me run your life for you. Well I’m so sick of it! I can’t even be my own person anymore. In fact when have I ever been able to be my own person? It feels like I’m powerless and I’m being treated like a child even though I’m 22. None of them realize that the reason I’m in the position I’m in is because of my very dangerously poor mental health. They don’t understand that either! They all have this thing they want me to be and I hate it.
Ever since I’ve been forced to live with my overly religious and pushy/ judgy grandmother I’ve picked up some very dangerous habits and I’ve tried to kill myself three times. I’m thinking of killing myself finally because I can’t take it anymore. And everyone is trying to push me towards what they want me to do. It doesn’t matter if I had plans or that I’m supposed to be an individual. They always criticize and put down my dreams because they think they are stupid and that I won’t ever get anywhere with it. Well great. What’s the point then?
So yeah I’m planning on killing myself. Things haven’t ever gotten better. And nobody believes in me anyway.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Is anyone else depressed because they messed their lives up by being a piece of shit? Is it wrong to get support if youre just a big pos?does anybody else have trouble with thinking that they don't deserve for good things to happen to them?
|
self.depression
|
Help Hello redditors,
I need medical help, but I live in third world country where healthcare system is very expensive, corrupt and full of illiteral doctors. There is not even people or ways like reiki or chinese chi energy healing stuff so I can try
All I can do is to pray to God...
What would you do in this situation? What would you do if you don't have money to get help or live in third world countries?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Friends online talking about committing suicide. How can I help? I have a lot of friends online that I met through random chance because we like the same game , and I have noticed a lot of them have vented quite often. I always end up being the bystander who just watches and does nothing because I don't know how to help them. I am already terrible at socializing , so having to talk seriously like this to help someone cope with what may be depression is really hurting me. One of my friends just talked about commiting suicide now. I am going to send what they said word for word here. "If I wasn't in a relationship I'd just kill myself already. It's all I want to do anymore. It's hard to find a reason not to. I wish I didn't have anything holding me back. Suicide TW above I guess. I give up. I think I'm just going to go to sleep" Can you guys please tell me how I can help them? I don't want to stand by and watch anymore.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
How much should I expect from my friends? My life has been problematic for years. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I'm so tired. So tired of everything.
I lost mostly everything I've cared about in such a short timeframe. My father went from cancer diagnosis to dead in a 3 month time span.
My friends don't deserve to deal with me so I've isolated myself. They just enjoy shitposting and memeing, not a pathetic emo child who is literally incapable of being happy right now.
One of my closest friends and unfortunately now ex-gf, not only do I still hate myself for how I was but I can't even bring myself to talk to her, I'm just a pathetic waste of a human.
All notifications on everything have been off for nearly a week, I don't get on discord anymore. I just feel so alone, so helpless, so very tired both physically and mentally.
Even something as simple as having to raid on WoW, my anxiety is horrible with dealing currently and I constantly stress out about people finding out that I'm unhappy because I don't want anyone to see me like this. It's pathetic. It's the only 'social' thing I do anymore and I don't even want to do that. Playing a videogame is too stressful. P a t h e t i c.
There is no fixing me I've come to realize, I just accept what is going to happen to me since I know I don't deserve to be happy.
Just needed to get some thoughts out, I've gotten about 2 hours of sleep in the last 3 days and it's not for the lack of trying. I just wish I knew how to fix myself when I was still fixable.
|
self.depression
|
I think this might be my last Christmas Basically the title
I've been getting worse since October of last year (2016). I started seeing a therapist this year, in August or September, after a few failed attempts to set up a consistent time (including a therapist laughing at me/initiating arguments against me - that didn't help at all...). It's not even a matter of wanting to die for no reason. I just decreasingly care about whether or not I'm alive. And every day, I am increasingly convinced I'm not going to last the whole of next year. At this point, the only things keeping me alive are my graduate school applications, and the chance I'll get in and succeed somewhere good. If I don't get in, I'll probably die. If I do get in, it depends on so many factors - and whether I survive depends on whether I even want to. I'm honestly not sure I do.
The thing is, I also don't really have anyone to talk to. One of the friends I had gone to told me recently that it puts too much of a burden on her. And that's fair - I went to her for far too much, far too often. She's not trained to deal with a suicidal. I don't blame her. And another friend - I tried to talk to her at least three times over the course of the past few months, and she's been too busy on the other side of the world. There was a time I might ask someone else, but increasingly I just don't really want to. I don't really care.
I know I have to live at least until I complete my applications and here back from grad school programs. I owe my professors that much. If I get in, I know I have to live another few months at least. But once those obligations fade away, I don't really have any reason to live anymore. Or, rather, I don't have a reason not to die.
I'm not looking to talk, or even for someone to listen. I'm just looking to put my thoughts in words somewhere. And I guess the only place I can do so is here.
To be clear: I'm not going to die tonight. Probably not even next week. But depression will probably kill me before 2018 is out, and I just needed to say why.
|
self.depression
|
I don't know how to, nor do I want to, stop loving her...but she was right about the biggest mistake in our relationship and I'm sorry. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Trying to talk for the first time with the girl I like Hello, IDK if it's really here where I should post this; thing is I'm very timid and depressive, was rejected by the last girl I've tried and she only said that I was too shy; now I'm trying to move forward but it's hard to me because I get stuck so much with every relationship, anyways I want my new crush to feel like I'm not that shy I've never talked to her and I only see her in the college; but don't have spaces in common, I'm planning just to approach and say to her "hello, I see you often in the University and you seem very interesting to me, I would be glad to get to know you better; and my name is... So I always overthink the first approach and let way too much time before I do something and then only get depressed, so uhmm what do you guys think is it good enough?
Sorry for formats and English too.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Is life really worthy? My dying father disappeared when i was 10 and when i was 12 i heard from my mom's cellphone that my father passed away that day.
All of my brothers have done something to hurt me.
Middle brother one, swindled my mom.
Middle brother two, i were really close to him, but he just got away one day and ceased to talk to me.
Middle brother three, left with my dad to "heal him". Never knew about him again.
And "real" brother (we have the same parents) keeps calling me fat, talking about my academics in a bad way that hurts me, ill-using my mom, breaking her things and beat the shit out of me a week ago, because i didn't want to borrow him my 3dsxl and i called him an un-dependent bastard, who didn't even end his high school.
I repeated a grade because of my father's dead a year ago, because i fell in depression.
This year i were like 4 months in a row in a ultra depressive mood, crying everyday and thinking about killing myself.
I let go a toxic relationship and keep crying like 3 days in a row, i wanted to kill myself
so badly.
School feels totally useless
I oversleep in the afternoon
Classmates talk about me literally in my fucking face
I don't think i can handle life.
But
As everything isn't that sad, i have a beautiful boyfriend who supports me and loves me a lot. But everytime he leaves to go to his house, i break. I feel so afraid to lose him. What if that day was my last day with him? I wouldn't know what should i do with out him. He's my peace, i always feel at ease when i'm with him. Sometimes, i can find peace by myself.
And i know that i should love myself and then love someone else, but i don't hate me (but i don't love me too) and i thing that things work out like this. I really love him, i really really love him. But i don't know what to do anymore, it's not like i feel useless without him, but i really don't know what to do anymore with my life. School is such a stressing experience everyday. I want to grow up as a human and emotionally with him, i don't want to leave him. But i really really don't know what to do anymore, please help me.
|
self.depression
|
Do you get stress migraines? And also what do you do to help them?
|
self.bipolar
|
my anxiety has peaked between 7-10 everyday since thanksgiving and i can't figure out why Hi everyone
I have had mild anxiety for a while but up until thanksgiving it has always gotten worse between 7-10. I'll be fine and normal the entire day but around this time is when my anxiety randomly spikes up and I can't eat because I'll feel nauseous (already do because of the anxiety), I get shaky, and my heart feels like its about to pound out of my chest. This all started on thanksgiving day and it was worse then. Does anyone else get their anxiety at a specific time during the day?
|
self.Anxiety
|
it doesn't get any better that stupid fucking platitude is a plague. i just wanna slit my wrists and end this bullshit. i'm not waiting any longer. i'm not being a spectator to everyone else in the world enjoying themselves, being in relationships and shit. fuck this.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
How can I help my friend who is very suicidal and acting recklessly because of mental health issues?? I think this is urgent and I need to do something asap [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I hate the sounds of birds in the early morning as I lay in bed hating myself. It's almost as if they taunt my existence, jeering that a new day is coming and I am a failure in every capacity.
|
self.depression
|
Cymbalta: I feel like I'm always running a fever (x-post r/depression and r/bipolar) Has anyone else experienced this? I'm only on 10mgs of the med, which I started a couple months ago, and I'm frequently quite uncomfortable. I'm sitting with the window open and just a tank top on and it's 60-ish degrees out.
If I have alcohol forget it, I'll be that much hotter.
I'm going to call my psychiatrist tomorrow to see if I should go off it. I'm already on propranolol and it's not helping in this regard.
|
self.bipolar
|
Need someone to talk too For the past month I feel like everything I work so hard on is falling apart. I have repeating thoughts of killing myself. I texted a friend about it and all said was lol... I feel like nobody gives a shit about me and I think I might do it.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Lamictal after a rash I have been on Lamictal for 3 weeks and it was the best thing I have ever experienced, I finally felt under control and normal. I usually take it twice a day at 6 am & at 6pm. But a couple days ago I caught the flu so my schedule of taking it was messed up. Yesterday I was in bed and totally forgot about it until around 3pm where I took the dose while I had a bad fever. Around 8pm as soon as the fever went away I noticed a rash covering my arm which ended up spreading to my chest and my entire body. Before this I never had any side effects from Lamictal and I don't know what to do because since then I have stopped taking it and I feel myself slipping back into my BP state. Lamictal worked for me perfectly and I'd be open to giving it another shot instead of trying another medication but I don't know if my pdoc is gonna allow that.
What do I do and how bad is this?
Edit* Talked to my pdoc and she said she doesn't think it's the lamictal, I'm gonna go back to taking it. Wish me luck
|
self.bipolar
|
I hml so fucking much My mom discovered that I'm sh again. She kept saying how disappointed she is and that she doesn't trust me.
The only disappointment I had was that I didnt shoved the razor deeper so that I could kms. I was a wimp and just did small cuts. I wanna die so much u have no idea....
|
self.depression
|
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