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I don't wanna get out of bed Please someone help me
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self.depression
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I want to get better but nothing helps I've been on a dozen different meds. My mood is admittedly better on antidepressants but not enough to quash my suicidal thoughts.
I've attempted suicide three times. Dying is more difficult than I expected. The human body is strong. So is its survival instinct.
I've done therapy, exercise, self-medication with recreational drugs. Nothings seems to help.
My psychiatrist has me on a long wait list for rTMS. I'm skeptical that it will help, but it's something that I haven't tried yet.
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self.depression
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My bad haircut is giving me a break down [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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What to do when nobody actually does care about you? [Serious] [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Please appreciate the people you love that you still have in your life. I just threw mine away and I despise myself for it. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Does anyone else take birth control on top of their meds? Or the Plan B? I'm on Lamictal, Gabapentin & Wellbutrin. Been pretty stable for a year. Didn't drink but smoked weed. Stopped smoking weed 4 months ago and started drinking, partying, occasional molly. I started getting closer to a guy and relationships are triggering but what I think has fucked up my instability Is the Plan B pill. I dont take birth control and the Plan B is like birth control on steroids all smoothed into one dose. Don't judge me, but I have taken it 4 times in the past 2-3 months. I noticed I started gaining weight around 2 months ago when I ate the same (not a lot) and excercise daily (run 4 miles a day). I was oblivious and just thought it was food. But looking back I was very anxious during those months. I took the Plan B like a week or 2 ago, and just got off my period. The week before my period (week after taking it) was HELL in regards to my mood swings. Now, my mood is even worse. I've been gaining weight like crazy and eat under 800 cals a day and have been running 6 miles a day. I did 10 yesterday. I have these suicidal thoughts and crying fits, I fucking hate it. I'm so unstable. Anyone else experience this or think I am right?
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self.bipolar
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experience with doxepin? Currently getting of seroquel, first tried traxadone didnt work for sleep then now doxepin.. its makes me sleep but having nightmares.
anyone here tried doxepin? any problems with sleep? weight gain?
currently on lamotrigine 100mg and doxepin 10mg (i take two)
thank you
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self.bipolar
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suicide hotline hung up on me; i’m not sure what more to do :’( it’s my freshman year, and even though i was anxious to get here and get away from home, this had somehow managed to be the worst year of my life...and i’ve been through a lot of tough stuff. it’s just so many different things have happened to me here, that i don’t even know where to start describing. i’ve managed to become an alcoholic and i smoke weed a lot just to avoid being sober. this is truly the lowest point in my life and my biggest fear is that it’s just only going to get worse. I’ve even contemplated suicide, even though i know that’s super irrational, sometime i think it’s better than where i am rn. So please i’m just asking for you best advice to get me out of my pit...Thank you.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I have absolutely nobody. Looks have got me nowhere. I live in spite. I'm 24f. I know I'm attractive, I was lucky to be born attractive, and I keep myself very well looked after. I am super fit and I eat extremely healthy. I was a loser in school, but I always knew when I was older I would make myself really attractive and that would mean I'd end up with friends, a partner, a good job.
All the people who picked on me in school have gained weight, aged and they are HAPPY. They go out, they have friends, they have boyfriends/girlfriends, they have great jobs. I spent all this time trying to look good for nothing. My personality is alright, I'm friendly, I've been told im funny, I don't have a lot of interests. I don't like to voice my opinion because as a child I was told never to.
My father just wanted a daughter who looked good and never talked. I thought all guys would be like him. The only guys who hit on me are 50 year old drunk guys in the street. Literally NO guys are interested in me. NO girls want to be my friend. My family don't even talk to me. My dad only calls me when he needs something rediculous.
I work out everyday. Yoga, weightlifting, dancing, bike riding. I buy the best makeup, I get my hair done every four weeks. I spend heaps of money on supplements for my hair and skin. I do everything I can not to age. I'm obsessed now with proving myself to everyone with my looks. I live in spite of anyone who has ever hurt me. Like "look at me you may have destroyed me as a child but I'm attractive now so I did well". Like how I look is going to absolutely devastate them.
I constantly compare myself to everyone, everyone I meet or pass on the street. Hoping to be more attractive to them, hoping to find faults in them. I check my ex's new girlfriends facebook everyday to see if she's put on weight. I do all this and I'm so lonely. The only way I get human contact is if I pay 20 dollars for a massage at a shopping mall. I have a terrible job, 9 hours a week at a restaurant on the weekend. I'm going nowhere, I always thought my looks would save me, my looks would heal my childhood, get me a job, get me friends, get me a boyfriend.
Theres not point in me living. Everyday is the same. I am so, so lonely.
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self.offmychest
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Hate Nazis, racists, or white nationalists? Vent about it here Please get your feelings about Trump supporters, Nazis, white nationalists, racists, etc out here.
RIP Heather Heyer
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self.offmychest
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I feel like I don't have depression, that I am just being lazy and making excuses to justify being so lazy. I know that way of thinking is what some people with depression think but I still feel I am different and not depressed.
I have been lazy for so long and barely do anything. I stay at home all day to play on the computer or to just be on my phone in bed or on the couch. I dont do half of the stuff my parents or others tell me to try to get better. My dad wants me to exercise more and go out but I dont do that or I lie about doing stuff to make it seem like I did it.
I try not to do anything even remotely challenging or requiring effort. I just started college again and am so stressed that I have been eating a ton more and feeling like shit. I think I am stressed because I have been so spoiled and selfish in life that I cant even handle something like going to school, I just want to put it off and not do it. I have accomplishments but I feel I didnt earn them, that I cheated to get them, example being my weight loss.
I lost 60lbs over the course of a year and still have been keeping it down but I didnt exercise much at all, I didnt eat much because of my meds. I started taking Adderal and buproprion with fluoxetine and I just didnt eat as much as before. I did want to lose weight and try a little but I feel I lost this weight from my meds making me not eat. I would be nothing without them.
The worst thing that has really fucked me up though was enlisiting into the National Guard. A friend who had depression said after he went to Basic Training he got better and was much better off and thought it would help me. Losing the 60lbs let me barely into the weight category(I was 245lbs and needed to weigh 184lbs at 5 foot 9 inches). I couldnt take my meds there so i slowly cut off on my meds and was actually doing better. My depression wasnt holding me back, I was positive, and doing better in general. I was only on my Adderal. But I still felt like it was a bad idea for me to go.
What if I cant pass the PT test(APFT)? What if I weigh 184.1 on the day I go and get sent home? What if I get depressed and suicidal?
But I didnt back out and went anyways. Biggest. Mistake. Of. My. Life.
I started getting depressed again within 2 days of going in August 2017 and once I went to the actual basic training site I had doubts and was contemplating suicide. But I didnt feel like I was suicidal, it felt like I was trying to find an excuse to get out of basic. I told my drill sgts. and I wasnt taken seriously, called a liar, 1st sgt. asked if I enjoyed wasting tax dollars and that he would call my parents to tell them I am suicidal as intimidation.
So I decided I needed to escalate things or I wouldnt be taken seriously. The cleaning closet was never locked and there was a bottle of bleach inside that I could kill myself with. Also the 3 pairs of boots I was issued I could take out the laces and form a noose with them. During time we had off I went to my bunk(bottom bunk) and wrote a list of pros and cons of drinking bleach to kill myself. Pros being I would die and I would be out of this place. Cons being that it is extremely painful, a slow death, I might regret it and stop the attempt by getting help before dying, not go through with it, and a nasty scene for whoever has to pick me up.
I wrote this list purposefully so that my bunk mate(also my battle buddy) would see it. If he did not see and report this either I would have killed myself later on or tried to find another way to get out. I was reported to the drill sgt and they started my process. The next 3 weeks were awful. Made fun of by other drill sgts, told to just think positive, told others have it worse than me, that I am spoiled, that I spend too much time thinking about drinking bleach, that if I were really suicidal I wouldnt have told anybody and would have just killed myself, and that I insult their former friends who did kill themselves.
I feel like I was lying about being suicidal there, that I just wanted to get out and not work. I wrote the list in such a way that I would be seen, not secretive. The "therapists" at the medical place there(which is 80% people in crutches) told me off, that I shouldnt think like this at my age, and that I dont know what true pain is. I feel like I am a serial liar and that I am faking my depression just to get sympathy and stay lazy.
There was a lot more but I dont want to say it again, I feel like shit thinking about being weak and leaving after wanting to join for so long. I got discharged medically not honorable but not dishonorable, so im not a vet.
I came back September 13th and had to see my therapist and psychiatrist. I saw my therapist but then found I needed insurance to reactivate, but that will take over a month. I couldnt get any meds or see him again without spending a ton of money that I dont have. I didnt get back on meds or seeing my therapist regularly until early November.
The meds helped for a month but fucked my sleep over hard. I can barely fall asleep or sleep much anymore. I also think I am addicted to gaming on the computer as that is all I do or think about now. The meds dont seem to be working even though they are. If i go off them it is a huge difference to others how much worse I get.
My wrists and hands are fucked from years of being on the computer and gaming. I got addicted around 7th grade after we moved and there were no kids my age in the new neighborhood to go out and play with. I noticed at 9th or 10th grade the pain in my wrists and got splints sometimes but still excessively gamed. Now i am 20 and my hands and wrists are always in pain and tired. It hurts to type this on my phone but I still do it. I know I need to rest but I am still doing this.
Now I am sitting on campus, not going to the gym to play basketball because there are too many people in the courts. 2 days ago I went and it took me 20 minutes before I finally asked a person there to play 1 on 1 with me. I lost badly but it was fun. I was so tired and it hurt to breathe for a while but I did it. I still take my meds at the same time everyday but might have an increase or change tomorrow, maybe sleeping pills as well. My sleeping was fine before the meds, horrible with them.
But yet I feel I am lying. Typing this it feels like I am lying just to get pity and sympathy from people. That I am a compulsive liar trying to get what I want. That I lie so much that I start to believe my own lies and cant tell the truth from my lies anymore. I seriouslly wanted to kill myself 2 days ago by looking up methods but it felt like I was doing this to lie to myself that I am suicidal. I also feel like I lie because of how open I am with talking to people about this. I am officially diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, Anxiety Disorder Unspecified, and ADD inattentive.
I want to drop out and just go back home but I cant. That wont get me results.
I watched a movie and thought that through hardships people grow and get stronger. I need to go through this as it is hard for me so that I can get stronger. But I want to quit. I am pathetic. I want to change but I dont. I want to exercise but I dont. I tell myself things that are true but I deep down dont accept. Like perhaps I am depressed and this is just the depression talking. I accept that but dont.
The thing that frustrates me most is that I have so many selfish and sick desires I want to satisfy. I know it isnt important for me but I have always wanted to have sex with a woman. I told my therapist this and he asked me if what I truly wanted was sex or somebody to love. I thought to myself and I have come to the conclusion that I do want somebody to love and share my hopes and dreams with who would also love me enough to accept me and my body to have sex. That I am not ugly. Maybe it is just an excuse to try to make it seem like I am not a pervert who only wants to have sex as I am a 20yr old male. I cant talk to anybody, I dont even have friends besides just 1 that I see every month or so.
I have freaking fantasies about somebody falling in love with me but me questioning whether they really love me or are faking it just for some personal gain. That they could find somebody better. It hurts thinking about this.
Never kissed a girl, never in a relationship, and I was almost a "niceguy". This is a long story so I will cut it short: Dad introduced me to his aunts daughters daughter who is 3 years older than me to try to marry. I became so obsessed with her that I called her and her sisters phone over 50 times in a day... I eventually told her my intentions and she said she was not interested. I said okay and stopped talking to her but was angry. I kept thinking about how her life will be miserable there in Iraq, she will be married to some dude and have 8 kids and be at home all day. I never said this to her or anybody else irl besides my therapist.
Then I realized about a year later once I got on my meds for the first time(3 years ago) how bad I acted, cringy, clingy, and scary. I regret that whole experience and while I want to message her and apologize, I wont. I dont think she ever wants to hear from me again, I dont blame her.
Now here I am today. Unsocial, unlikeable, lazy, wrists and hands in constant pain, wrists are also weak, still fat with no muscle, no ambition, no drive to change, and tired. I feel spoiled. I havent experienced enough hardships, done remotely challenging things, put my best effort, do healthy things to get better, or stop playing on the computer to let my wrists heal.
Sorry you had to read all of this, I am going to go to class now. Psychology 101 haha.
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self.depression
|
Leave this cult and lose everyone I care about.... I'm 27, married, have a 7 month old baby boy. Everyone I've ever loved, friends, family, everyone, are all in the cult. That, of course, is by design. It's harder to leave if you don't know anyone on the outside. For nearly 2 years I've known that this religion /cult is full of shit and I need to get out. But the minute I make that stand, I'll lose everyone, including my wife and possibly my son. My father already won't speak to me because of the "apostate thoughts" I've had lately. I have so much potential that I'm wasting, and there is so much more to experience out in this world than I'll never get to see if I stay in this cult. But I can't seem to get the courage to leave. I'm afraid of the pain and the pain I would cause to my loved ones. I feel so trapped.
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self.depression
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Can't stop feeling like "The good times" are over and i'll never feel "normal" again So this is kind of a stream of consciousness rant and would just like to hear some advice from others wove felt the same.It's like the past couple years everything that has anchored my life changed or went away. Like everything and everyone has changed around me and left me behind. My life was pretty stable for a while. I struggled with depression but at least I was comfortable and could live in and enjoy the moment, take things day by day.
Then I suddenly fell into a rut. My living situation changed, relatives I cared for passed away, even local shops I would go to every day closed down. Now I feel like I'm anxious and afraid constantly. I keep looking back and obsessing on the past when I didn't have any problems and was happy, and am afraid of the future. I used to tell myself when I was depressed that things would get better but now I feel like they never will. I'm just stuck with no ambitions or motivations to do anything.
I actually hate when I have free time off from work now because it means more time alone trapped in my thoughts and afraid. It just feels like there is no end in sight and I'll never be okay again, all my best days are behind me.
I also am obsessed with cataloging and remembering years of my life, including when it started getting really bad. There are a few songs I was listening too obsessively during that period and now when I listen to them I get really upset and anxious because it's a time I want to forget. Was wondering if anyone else feels a similar association to certain things? Sorry if this is kind of rambling just needed to get it off my chest.
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self.Anxiety
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[NAW] I just want us both to move on Things just fell apart. I love him so much and I really still miss him. I wish we could just go back to the beginning, to a year ago when I finally kissed him and he looked at me saying "took us long enough" with a smile. To our wonderfully original first date where we discover we both had the same favorite band. Before everything went south, before 2 rejected marriage proposals, before I felt unheard and he felt broken hearted. I just want to do it all again but even if I can't I just want to sleep on his chest one last time. Some things you just can't change but I truly wish you could. He'll always have a special place in my heart.
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self.offmychest
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I have a fetish that triggers a one of my BF’s insecurities So, I have a fetish. A fetish for chubby dudes. And this is how this relates to my BF. I met my BF online, it is long distance but we plan to meet in person. We almost automatically connected over our views and values, except when it came to sexual stuff...
At first, when we were talking, I hid it from him, even trying to deflect/make a joke. He said he wanted to become more muscular to please me and I would just reply with a smiley face. I felt awkward about the topic. He said he only worked out to be more attractive for the opposite sex, not health reasons.
I learn that he used to be heavy when he was younger, and that he was like this until his late teens. He said a girl had made fun of him for it and even the guy doing physicals for conscription made fun of him for it.
Recently he gained a teeny bit of weight.....and I found him a more attractive that way, and he promised to lose it. He said “I don’t buy into guys not having to care about their appearance whilst their girls look perfect all of the time”. After a few days past, on a Skype call, I told him I wanted to punch his cheeks, and he promised to make them less chubby, i said “no don’t, chubby guys are cute”. And he thought I was trying to cheer him up and said he doubted it turned me on more than a six pack, so the next day he thought I was just trying to make him feel better. I told him everything,I told him outright, and that I didn’t want to force anything onto him and for him to be happy. It wasn’t a total disaster, actually. He didn’t say there was something wrong with me for it, and seemed to be understanding.
He said he would get chubby, but “feminine breasts” would make him feel ashamed of himself.
I really don’t want to wreck his self esteem, and I let him know I love him no matter how he looks, and that I moved him unconditionally, but he wants to turn me on as well.... I also asked if he thought it was strange and he said it was uncommon but no.
But yea, I feel weird about this. And he’s too special to me to dump, this is a serious relationship , but man, he’d turn me on like crazy if he looked the way he used to. But, then again, I want him to be happy with himself, and I made it clear I don’t want to force this onto him, but ofc, because I told him, he could feel a bit cornered into this.
ah fuck my fuckin fetish. why do I have to have this fuckin fetish? It makes no sense!
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self.offmychest
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I have positives in my life but can't make use of them I am currently in my friend's restroom breaking down for the last ~30 minutes. Aplogies for the wall of text.
In the eyes of many, I am sure my life is fine. I am moderately attractive with a relatively outgoing personality and decent intelligence. I get lucky with some thing and have the best friend group someone could ask for. Yet despite all this, I still am overwhelemed with depression. To preface, my depression is sometimes caused by outlying causes, but mostly seems to manifest randomly whenever it wants to.
I graduated in 2010 with high expectations from my folks. Nothing too crazy, but significantly better than I performed. With depression and anxiety, I have skipped on many of the opportunities in life (fun, women, careers, etc) and can't seem to truly overcome it entirely. I trick myself into believing it is gone for periods of time, but it inevitably comes back harder than the times previous. I now am sitting in 2018 having accomplished little outside of making a good friend group, and while having gone into business with a close friend, feel like I am the weak partner.
Ultimately my whole life feels like I squandered it and wasted myself when others could've capitalized and lived a happy, fruitful life while my depression and anxiety rules who I am to this day. Frankly, I don't feel deserving of the opportunities I have recieved, regardless of any good I have done. I know it's stupid for someone in my situation to feel this way with so much good in life compared to most others in this subreddit and elsewhere, so i'm sorry.
Hope you all have a good year.
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self.depression
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Realizing who i am is the problem Ive always been the one easily forgotten, easily unloved. Easily cheated on, over looked, discredited, undesirable.. i always summed up the worst of my episodes just a string of bad luck, maybe i was just being too sensitive. Yet when i really look back at everything as a whole, even the good times, its me.. its always been me... im just not worth it.
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self.depression
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I feel like my cats are my only friends.. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Why do I miss her so much?! She rejected me once and I was totally fine with it... Why all of the sudden I feel so bad about it?! I have been feeling miseable since last week... I suffered from sleep deprivation due to the huge amount of homework which has to be done. I neglected my studies for so long and the pile of stuff I have to catch up on is terrifying. And despite loving mathematics, I just hate it right now.
That's why I also could not go out for the first time since I got here for my study abroad. At the same time I have not yet been able to send all the postcards I promised my friends at home. Especially for my crush...
Before I went abroad I asked her out but she rejected me. But I was not unhappy at all. If anything, I felt very happy because she told me that she likes me as a good friend and wanted to go to the restaurant before I leave. This made me really appreciated and we remained good friends.
After around a month here we started to text each other again. It was fun - we wrote really funny and long messages if we had the time and we even flirted with each other which did not happen before. But there were enough moments where I had the feeling that she does not want anything serious but I didn't mind.
But recently, I got hung up already when she does not text me within a day. And the frequency of texting has also declined. I know that she also has a lot to do, so it should not bother me. But even knowing that it still does and I feel bad about it... The messages also got more boring and I miss the dynamics in them. I feel like I am not in the mood to put more effort in my messages since it starts to get boring and not be worth it. But she is my friend and knowing this makes me feel even more horrible...
It feels like the amount of work I put into myself to become more attractive just falls apart. Before that I was overflowed with confidence and I could talk to everyone about everything. This is actually a big deal for me because I suffered from social anxiety in the past. But now, I have the feeling that I can't pull my confindent self off. Or I am unhappy that I don't have the opportunity to pull it off. To be honest, I really love to get appreciated by people and I miss these moments, even it was just a week ago.
I feel awfully neglected at this moment. I know that I have to fix this problem by myself but I wish there would be someone who could hug me. And I wish it would be her.
I know that I should not be so attached to her... this is not something an attractive man would do. But it is so hard to switch my mind instantly. At this moment I just want to accept that I am not ready to have a relationship with this mentality, especially if she did not agree already, but it just does not work for some reason...
I sketched her postcard already. Since I got rejected from her I had this overflowing confidence and I want to thank her for that. Furthermore, I want to include funny mathematical drawings since it represents me very well and she would probably like it too. And I also want to ask her if she wants to hang out with me on Christmas. But suddenly it feels so wrong to do it...
I love to put my heart into my messages (not only for her) because I know that people love it when my messages are more personal. And a simple "thank you" can already make me feel like the most awesome person in the world.
Writing this post makes me a bit better to realize how I feel. I would also love to hear your thoughts from you. Even (or rather especially) when these will be painful. Thank you!
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self.offmychest
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What did I do to deserve this? I don’t think I’m a bad person, I think I’m kind and I have a good heart... What did I do to deserve a life like this? Why can’t I be okay?
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self.depression
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Accidentally offended friend, apologized multiple times sincerely , but she still won't get over it [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Can sugar worsen anxiety? Also, what about simple carbs like pasta, and processed junk food?
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self.Anxiety
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Phototherapy light My doctor recently suggested looking into getting a phototherapy light to help with my seasonal affective disorder. I ways reading about them online and a few different places did say that they can cause manic episodes in people with bipolar. Has anyone here ever used one and did you find that it helped?
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self.bipolar
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Cannabis Dependece Anyone here experienced cannabis dependence or any other adverse effects from smoking weed?
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self.bipolar
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am i the only one who doesn’t love sleeping to avoid feelings? i used to feel that way a lot, like i could sleep away my problems, but more recently i hate it because i always feel the worst right when i wake up. as soon as i wake up i realize how hard life is and that it’s impossible for me to get out of bed. eventually i do get out of bed but it’s so so hard. as the day goes on i usually start to feel better, but those first moments when i wake up are always so hard. i can’t sleep away my feelings because waking up feels so bad it just feels more worth it to stay up as late as i can and actually avoid sleeping to avoid that waking up feeling
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self.depression
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Weird Seroquel side effects So I been taking 50mg of Seroquel every night for only 2 days now.
Both nights I took it I was knocked out cold within an hour. Feels good to actually sleep and for the right amount of time. On the morning after the first night I woke up feeling really groggy and little dizzy but it went away later on. At around 5pm I felt extremely exhausted almost faint like. This lasted about 3 hours.
On my 2nd night I woke up at 3:00am completely drenched in sweat and felt very dehydrated and dizzy. Drank some water and took a quick shower before going back to bed. Woke up 3 hours later at 6am, again covered in sweat but not feeling dehydrated this time.
These side are more bothersome than actually something to be concerned about. But it has pop up a question for me. When would I know that I'm having a bad reaction and should stop taking these pills and call my doctor?
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self.bipolar
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Cash Askew Died A Year Ago One Day Before My Birthday Goddamit
I just discovered this band. I think they're amazing. But fuck, Cash died already.
Cash, I would that your voice graces the halls of forevermore.
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self.offmychest
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I will never have any friendships or relationships I am extremely eccentric to other people, causing me some difficulties in forming friendships and relationships with other people. I am too awkward, and I don't have a lot to offer. I barely speak to people, and when I do, I fumble and stumble over my words.
I am pretty much alone. I have one friend, but we don't talk all that much either. When I see her, we just sit in awkward silence.
I want to kill myself because I don't see how I can form relationships with all of the issues above. I'm too much of an outcast, and I make people uncomfortable. I have already attempted suicide once before by overdosing. So I don't think I'll try that method again.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Hopeful and hopeless My bpd makes me have very black and white thinking. I go from trying to get better and searching for new good methods of coping to actively trying to find ways to kill myself.
I do want to get better but it’s hard to see that ever happening when I’m bad. I have a lot of things keeping me going even if I can’t believe it. I’m trying my best to help out on the mental health blog I’m apart of on tumblr, mental health advice. I would recommend going there for help if you need to talk to someone who has gone through what you have. The friends that I have met on this blog keep me going and I know that I’m doing good by helping people like me.
I don’t really know why I’m writing, I just know writing makes me feel better.
I’ve been trying to find things I can do to cope. I’m doing little things that may seem stupid but if it keeps me from ending it then that’s all that matters. I’m trying to make a self-care/mental health box type thing that has things I can use to distract myself when I’m bad. So far I just bought legos because I wanted to and I feel like that would help. I suggest you try this if you think it would help. I’m going to put some other things I can use as a distraction like puzzles and things like that.
So far playing the new Pokémon game has helped me a bit. Also going out with friends a bit, or should I say going out with friend. I was very bad before I left but it helped a lot to be distracted with someone who kinda understands and didn’t make me talk about what was going wrong. Not that talking is bad, it’s just the only thing I ever do. I just want to stop talking about it and physically do something to fight it.
I don’t know why I made this but maybe it will help me or someone else. I am very hopeful and hopeless at the same time.
I am done having to deal with mental illness. Well I know I can’t shut it off but I’m going to try so much harder than before. I’m going to get rid of all of the pills that I don’t need so I don’t have them to abuse/overdose on. I’m going to keep being organized and try to organize ways I can stay better, like remembering medication. Being organized really helps my mental health so I feel like this will help.
Another reason I’m suicidal is because I feel like I don’t have a future. I don’t feel like I have access to education like I want and what I want to do is looked down upon anyways. But fuck that I’m gonna start classes again. I’m gonna write music. I think I want to do music therapy, so I am ready to start making myself better so I can finally live and see a future for myself. I know I’ll feel the opposite of this later. I constantly write all of these motivation type posts for me but then I feel like they are stupid and a lie when I’m bad. I’m gonna try to look back on the moments when I’m positive and try to think, “I’m not always bad. This will go away. Even if this happens all of the time everyday, it will stop.”
I’m ready to live.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My anxiety disappeared on Holiday! This is just a positive post, because it always helps me to see these.
I recently went on a two week holiday overseas with family (who I haven't seen in a year due to living abroad). It was somewhere I really wanted to go but I was so worried that my constant sickness from anxiety would ruin it.
The first two days were tough: panic attacks, stomach pains, nausea and sleeping problems. But then.. it gradually got better! For the first time in months I felt like ME again. I was able to eat, drink alcohol, go hiking and just spend quality time with my family. I am not sure if it was due to them, being far away from stressors at home, or a combination of the two, but I was so thankful.
Within 24 hours of the holiday being over all my symptoms returned and I am now battling with anxiety again but it was such a relief for me to have that break and remember that I am still there, underneath all this. I had got to the mindset where I thought I was never going to get better and enjoy life again. I have 6 months left in this country before quitting my job and moving home, and I hope that once again I will feel better. If not, at least I can see a doctor in my home country which I have only had bad experiences with here.
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self.Anxiety
|
DAE hate the “how are you doing question”? I know I should just say fine but I feel like such a liar to myself and what I’m going through. I am not fine, actually I’m the frequent opposite.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Can't stop worrying about things out of my control. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Social Anxiety I tried to go the gym today, biggest mistake of my life. To many damn people in there. I feel like it’s all eyes on me. My hearts racing and I’m not doing anything yet. I realized why I don’t go until later in the evening like I did before.
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self.Anxiety
|
I tried to get better Hey, guys. I've posted here several times in the past and I would like to say I got better.
Well, I did, but not for long. I've been seeing a psychiatrist and a therapist, and I finally talked to my doctor about hormonal therapy. I'm taking medication, every day since November.
Sadly, though, no matter how much my psychiatrist kicks up the dosage on my antidepressants, my depression just seems to get worse.
I'm still so tired of fighting. I'm so tired of waking up. I'm tired of existing. I'm so tired of trying to open up to people, only to have them leave me alone or beat me with degrading comments. I'm so tired. All of the time. Fuck. These thoughts keep coming back and I don't know if I can keep fighting. I'm so exhausted and I don't know if I can do this anymore.
I tried so hard to get better. To keep my depression at bay, but nothing I do is helping. It only gets worse and I'm so tired
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I figure after I graduate and pay off my debts, I'll go kill myself. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't really know who I am (not amnesia) [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I don't even know why I don't even know I'm not sure why but the thought of giving up and letting go of life is seeming overwhelmingly better every day. I know it's probably the worst idea, that maybe my head isn't where it should be and I'm romanticizing the idea of being free of it all but I just can't shake the feeling. I know it's unhealthy, I know that life is gonna be filled with highs and lows and you just have to wait out the lows but I just can't shake this feeling of disgust in who I am and paranoia that everyone thinks the same as me and is avoiding me. I have no reason to think this, or maybe I'm oblivious and have every reason to think this, but it's all culminating in this grand idea that the world is better off without me, as if my one life is significant enough to make a difference being here or not being here. I realize it seems like I'm rambling, this is my first ever Reddit post so maybe I'm breaking some community rules but I'm probably just gonna post a couple comments and see if I feel better afterwards, feel free to ignore all this. The point I was trying to iterate was that I've got all these feelings about wanting to give up, and even though I know I shouldn't, I know life isn't that bad, I don't know why I have them, just that I can't shake them.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I think I’ve found something that can help some people with anxiety. Ever since I’ve fallen in love with someone whenever I’m with them my anxiety just disappears like I’m so happy to be with them that I just stop worrying about everything and whenever it’s silent she smiles at me I honestly think love is the answer to some peoples anxiety like it may be hard to do for some people but it’s worth putting in the time and effort.
anxiety is something that was created so people can find ways of dealing with and now that I’ve found ‘the one’ my anxiety is slowly drifting away , Idk if this is helpful In any way I hope it is somehow.
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self.Anxiety
|
I think i might be depressed , even when i'm having an ok life , is it possible? I'll try to keep this as short as possible , no one likes a wall of text .
Just as the tittle said , is it possible or i'm just seeing it all wrong?
Summary : I'm a 19 years old dude , NEET at the moment , life was never hard or cruel to me . Don't have many friends but all the friends i have are delightful to me , also my family puts no pressure on me and they are pretty positive overall . The only trauma i experienced so far was the breakup with my ex , but i moved on totally forgot about her . Just an ordinary life in general
But yet , i can't help but notice the subtle changes of my outlook , and in how i feel about life . I was 100% happy-go-lucky my entire life until the end phase of 2015 , but then something happened . Not sure when or why , because looking back nothing real bad happened to me , yet i started to feel more and more indifferent as each day passes . At one point i even stopped contacting people around me because i was like "talk is ok but no talk is ok too" , and even today i still feel that way .
I still feel joy and moods in life , like eating good food , cry from very sob movies , but at the end of the day there's always something , it isn't feeling the same like how i had felt my entire life . I think it might be because i have no dreams or passions like other folks in my life , but i was always like that and i was always fully content with it .
On a positive note , good thing is i don't have any suicidal thoughts .
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self.depression
|
I admit that I'm emotionally masochistic and I'm over it Texted him, and we made plans today. I knew that little bastard would ghost me. I knew he had no respect for me as a human being. I knew he did not see me as an equal, so much so that he could totally vanish from existence without so much as a "hey nvm" text. I knew that because every partner I have ever been attracted to has acted this way.
This is me admitting that I am the problem. I am emotionally masochistic, and I CHOOSE to feel pathetic when I choose to invest feelings in Mr. (or Ms!) Unavailable.
I am so over this lovelorn bullshit. I'm hitting this fucking bowl, I'm going for a run, I'm coming back to study my chemistry homework, and I'm blocking your ass on all social media because I am too valuable to be so easily tossed aside like this. From now on I will be self-aware, I will practice self-care, and I will not engage with fuckboys or emotionally unavailable folks because life is so short, youth is shorter, love is vivid and beautiful and I'm not unworthy of it just because you didn't show up tonight or text me back.
There will always be fuckboys there will always be darkness.
Also your dick is small, buddy.
|
self.offmychest
|
Friend I used to date is in love with me and is (not directly) basically threatening to suicide if I ever get in a relationship... Throwaway... because duh.
I have a friend i dated briefly a few years ago, when we started dating, we were both living in that city temporarily, and I was clear it wouldnt be anything serious, we both moved away since then, but kept in contact a bit, and met a few times over the years, but not much.
Unfortunantly for my sweet friend, she grew attached to me for whatever reason super quick and decided she is in love with me and will never love anyone else.
She previously set a date for suicide (in about a year from now), but stopped mentioning that and sort of changed it (unspecifically but implied) to simply when I get in a relationship. While it is a long distance friendship, cutting contact won't prevent her from at some point learning I am in a relationship when that does happen....
I pushed her hard to start seeing a therapist, for which she has started doing... she blames me for some of her depression because I pushed her away and was rather mean to her because she wouldnt go away... I realize this was wrong and apologized many times for being very mean or even manipulative, even if what she chose to do was her choice, she did it to see me one more time.... she accepted my apology but still blames me for her increased depression.
She says her therapy isnt working, and uses whatever excsues and really isnt interested in trying to see a psychologist and/or getting medicine... i myself sometimes have minor depression and know that you dont really want to fix it or be helped... so i can only imagine how bad it is for her... while im not in love with her, i do care about her, and dont want anyone to feel so shit.... and while i like to respect peoples choices... its extremely confusing and difficult for me because she is essentially black mailing me (i even pointed this out to her) to not start a relationship because then she will suicide.
I have no doubt that she is extremely depressed, and has been for years... I hope she is not one to actually kill herself, but given her level of desperation and how she talks... it might be the case.... normally I would probably suggest to someone else that its just a dramatic teenager for attention trying to get relationship blabla... but its completely clear she is seriously ill, doesnt really want help, and only supposedly a relationship with me will fix her (it wont... from my experience it just masks things... and besides i cant pretend i am in love with her anyway so....).
I dunno how to help her more than keep pushing for her to seek more treatment than just a therapist (who she hasnt told about death date or whatever, but pretend therapist knows despite no specific talk... she also doesnt want to tell therapist because where she lives is massive stigma on mental illness and could result in her losing her job/arrested and leave nothing for her parents....).
No idea what to do here... any suggestions?
My best idea is to slowly but steadily reduce contact with her... but we already had over a year with no contact (though she still sends me stuff in the mail and whatnot and is clearly updating herself on my social status and still depressed).... she seems more in control of herself as far as emotions go, but she seems just as, if not more depressed than ever.
Thanks.
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self.depression
|
Medication frustration- feeling stuck I've been having a ton anxiety and am currently in depressive state. I went to my psychologist and she said that both of my meds (lithium and seroquel) couldn't be increased more and were basically maxed out so she suggested that we add another medication (abilify) and taper off the seroquel because she didn't want me on two antipsychotic medications. The problem is I've already taken all the medications that would typically be used to treat bipolar (Wellbutrin, abilify, Latuda, depokote, xyprexa, and lamictal) including the one she's starting me on; she acknowledged that as well but decided to start me on the abilfy again anyways. So now I'm super depressed waiting for a drug that might or might not work to kick in (one that hasn't worked for me in the past) and extra anxious because of my seroquel being reduced. I honestly don't know what to do. I feel stuck in this miserable state and I'm struggling to see a clear end. Even if the abilify does work to treat my depression I'm still left with all this untreated anxiety. Really upset thinking about waiting another month feeling this way just waiting for meds to kick in and that after that even in the best case scenario I'm still left with so much anxiety, possibly more then before.
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self.bipolar
|
Spending My Birthday Alone My birthday is tomorrow and tonight I was going to out with a bunch of my friends. I told everyone around a month ago when we went out for another friend's birthday that I wanted to do the same. Everyone says their good but when the time comes this stuff always happens.
Someone's sick, someone has a date, someone has to work early tomorrow, someone has to hang out with their girlfriend, someone was already invited to a party, etc...
Every damn reason you can come up with I have heard. Hell one of my friends is leaving for Florida tomorrow, so while he would usually come, he wasn't able to either (I knew that in advance though)
Everyone else cancelled at the last minute.
So now I sit here all alone. Hell I could of went with my parents, aunt and uncle to the casino if I knew this was going to happen and at least I would have some sort of fun.
I'm just sick of everyone taking me for granted. I've felt like a ghost since high school. I'm always the background character and I'm just over it.
I'm hurt, I'm depressed and I don't know what I'm going to do.
Also I don't have a girl in my life, never did and no matter what I try, I get nowhere. I've tried all the apps, all the sites, all my connections with friends to try and set me up and I have never been on ONE DATE. I'm going to be 26 tomorrow. I've never done anything, not even a kiss.
I just feel like I'm destined for loneliness. Does anyone know what I should do? I'm on the verge of breaking down, I just want to be loved. I want people to care about me and I want a female companion, even a friend would be nice.
I'm just so down in the dumps right now and lately nothing has made me happy.
Anyone got a solution?
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self.depression
|
My friend is dying from cancer. This beautiful woman has a very limited amount of time and I don't know what to do for her. I want to do something nice for her besides just be a good friend. I live very far away and can't fly to her. She has her family around her so at least there is that. I've dealt with many deaths in my family and even close friends but I've never had a time line leading to the end. The hard end. She is being so strong and not making a big fuss over herself and that makes me want to do someting for her even more. If you have had experience with this I would love some advice. Fuck cancer.
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self.offmychest
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Was watching a train pass today.. Sat at the lights. Barrier down and close to the train. All i could think about was wouldnt it be awesome if i got out and jumped underneath the train. Shame it was just a thought
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self.depression
|
Long sob story about a girl. Ok I've been keeping this in for much to long, so it's about time to let it out. Like the beginning of many sad stories this one begins with a girl. Me and this girl have been friends since the beginning of high school, but as of the past two years we became very close. It was nice until I caught feelings (almost immediately). I knew nithing would happen becasue for one thing, she had stated multiple times that "I'm one of her best friends", and she had been chasing after the same guy for all of high school. After a while I told her and got shot down quick but we continued as friends after that. Then came what i call "the bet". You see a couple of my friends bet money on whether or not me and her would end up together. She found out and got angry at me for not telling her and never talked to me for a while, eventually I apologized and we slowly got back to being friends, until the class trip to Europe. Somehow, she started to hate me and treat me like shit throughout that entire trip. Silly old me thought that being in France and Italy would be the best opportunity to try and make moves, which only ended in pain and suffering. But just like before, we talked and our friendship continued, until my birthday party. With all the ddrinking that happened i opened my home to anyboduy who needed to stay the night. Somehow me and her both ended up in my bed, but noting happened, at least not between me and her. A week later I come to find out that her and one of my best friends hooked up in my bed next to me while i slept. When I found out i legit cried myself to sleep. She was unbelievably apologetic. She wouldn't stop going on and on about how sorry she was and how bad she felt. I eventualy forgave her and once again we were friends again, but this time something was different. Things have been weird and different since then. The worst part is even after all this time, even after this teen drama movie of a story, shes all I'm able to think about. And here we are now, just months from graduating high school, and shes still the only thing i think about. I know that nothings going to happen but I still can't get her out of my thoughts or my dreams, (she seems to show up in my dreams a lot). It's like a deadly rash on my mind that i can't get rid of.
tl;dr: Been chasing after my literal dream girl for years, and no matter how many red flags show up I still can't stop thinking about her.
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self.offmychest
|
Doubting myself. Am I even depressed? I can’t possibly give enough context, but here goes: I primarily deal with anxiety and OCD.
I (somehow, out of luck) have a job 7 months after I graduated college, am in a long term relationship, I work out, eat reasonably well, am relatively attractive I guess, and have lots of hobbies. A loving family. I should be happy, I have it all!
But no. The OCD is my worst problem, it revolves around searching for things in my past mistakes or behaviors to end my wonderful relationship. Its been going on for years and I do go to therapy.
The thing is, I’m NOT happy, but I’m also afraid to even consider the fact I could be depressed? It makes sense after all, with how drained I feel from all the OCD and anxiety issues. I go through this practically weekly (starting to track it now) where most of the time I feel relatively good, but then I crash.
I am never in the mindset to share anything like this aside from my SO, but here goes...here are some texts I sent describing my feelings:
“Im not currently in a good mood. Im exhausted and really just depressed with the thoughts i have, how they dont go away, and how i always feel like im capable of destroying everything jjst by sharing them. I mean im good overall but i hate that this is part of my life and i dont know whats right to do and what makes it worse. I dont even feel anxious honestly i just feel tired of it... Im excited to hear from my therapist soon, and that im writing down daily in that list i showed you how each day goes for me, because i cant trust myself and theres some blocker in my head that is always trying to convince ME of all people that im normal, im good, it cant get better than this, and after i get over whatever made me feel bad: it must have just been an attention seeking attempt. But when I do feel this way, in the moment, it feels lucid. And then i lose it the moment im better. Like sometimes i just want to screenshot these texts i send but the moment i feel better i think tha tthey are ridiculous and dont represent reality. I dont know where im wrong”
Well, I copy pasted them. I’ll be sharing this with my therapist as well.... I’ve been thinking about taking meds but thanks to my anxiety I cant let go of the fact that side effects exist, and it’s stopping me from considering them. I mean, I am “good” after all... (not really?)
What now?
|
self.depression
|
i was right last night i made a post about how i got closer than ever to possibly killing myself after an argument with my sibling because i thought they were lying to me about how much money they had
i texted them this morning hoping to eventually apologize but the first thing they asked was whether i stole 20 dollars from them... i started fucking shaking... turns out i was right, they had more money then they made it seem like they had
we exchanged angry texts and now they think i admitted to stealing it over a miscommunication, they said something like "you use the car with my gas and i don't complain you took it out didn't you?" i thought they were asking if i took the car out and i said yes but they took it as me admitting to taking their money i'm trying to correct them after seeing the mistake but now they won't respond
but i think it's safe to say that my sibling is really a gaslighting piece of shit.. this isn't even the first time they've lied/withheld information about something for their own interest at my expense... no wonder i'm an anxious depressed fucking mess.. no friends, shit family, etc etc
|
self.depression
|
i'm alone For almost three years I've struggled with anxiety disorder. All of my friends are fake, selfish, and don't care about me at all. All they ever talk about is guys and hooking up. I'm struggling with my sexuality, having many anxiety attacks over it. No one will ever love me. I get attacked viciously every single time ive had an opinion. "go fuck your own brother" "you are such a dumbass" "you dont have a brain in your dumb head if you think like that."
The only people i've ever actually connected with have already killed themselves. I see no reason why I shouldn't too.
And before you say "ohh, your family will be sooo saddd" ask yourself this first: Why should I continue suffering for the happiness of another person?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
On the edge I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff, ready to jump off. I've been battling myself to not cut and I just can't take much more. The voices aren't helping either. I just want to die. I just want to be no more...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Mental health memes What are your opinions on mental health memes? When do they go too far, are they a coping mechanism, etc.?
|
self.bipolar
|
i dont even know where to begin. I used to be a very confident leading character but i got fat at some point of my life and it scarred me deeply with lots of insecurities and completely ruined my self confidence thanks to bullies in high school,god bless.anyway i isolated myself from people for over 2 years and ended up not eating at all in some days.. i lost weight and in the entirety of those 2 years people forgot about me.None of my should be friends cared to ask where did i disappear or anything it's just as if i was dead and no funeral......i eventually had to go out for my final high school year and people didn't recognize me...as much as it made me happy that i lost weight it made me sad..no one recognizes me ? anyway i thought with my weight loss i can now be confident of myself again but that wasnt the case..i couldn't bear stand in the open for 2 mins without starting to bite on my finger nails or rub my hands together and get paranoid..i see someone laughing i instantly think he's laughing at me...if someone touched me even if he meant it as a joke i cant bear physical or eye contact with anyone and i dont know how to speak without tripping, especially if it's a girl.
i tried to rebuild myself again from the ashes...tried to get new friends from college but people there aren't like me at all..no one is even close to the way i think about thinks we're the exact opposite in everything,...around them i feel so empty and i cant wait to go home and lock myself in my room even tho i live alone in a house...my family doesnt realize i'm friendless and depressed ...i dont want to be depressed i hate depression and i hate the way depressed people whore for attention ... i never seeked anyone's attention i sometimes would open up online to people i've never met but that only if they ask or if they relate...so i thought i needed a girlfriend ..again i got one and i thought i loved her but something was just missing...there's always something missing something empty in my heart..i dont know what to do i lost the last online friend i had 2 days ago and i told her that she ruined me..she apologized but she didnt mean it she was rarely responding......i returned telling her that i dont know what to do without her and that how she treats me is bad but it's the best i've ever had..she left my message seen...i deactivated every online account i have and going to disappear again..this time might be forever and she was the only thing that has ever made me truly think about suicide but i cant do this to my family...i have a duty.
|
self.depression
|
It’s getting hard to hide my depression from my family. My parents ask me what’s wrong all the time, but I just say I’m fine. I can’t deal with this.
|
self.depression
|
The idea of work scares the shit out of me Is it just me? I swear I'm not lazy, I have no problem with contributing to the economy, but I think what has made me so scared of work & society itself is the constant threats of starving or being homeless if I don't start working to contribute to society. I couldn't handle a job where I have to deal with people constantly, my social anxiety would just destroy me.
I feel like i'm not compatible with this world, I'm not interested in what the modern school system has to teach me. I'm not interested in any job, I want to live in a fantasy world where I can be a teenage boy forever and slay dragons with my friends, I despise the modern world.
Am I crazy?
|
self.depression
|
Starting my medication today. I’ve always hated the idea of taking pills as a way to fight my depression but after many years, and multiple failed attempts to improve my happiness, I decided it was time to open up to the idea of taking medication. I went to the doctor yesterday, got my prescription today, couldn’t take the pill this morning. I’m gonna have too tonight. I guess I’m posting this because I feel a bit better now since I feel like I’m actually doing something to fight. Wish me luck!
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self.depression
|
I’m failing out of school because of PTSD and chronic pain. Seriously considering taking my own life. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
might get my first job tomorrow today i finally got myself to apply for a job position at Publix. im 17 and have never had any job experience, so im really nervous as I have no idea what to expect. the main part that’s making me panic is the in- person interview. i have no idea what they’ll ask me and im afraid i won’t know how to answer the question or say the wrong thing.
so what happened was, i went to Publix and started filling out a job application at one of the kiosks, and my dad was with me. while i was filling it out, my dad talked to an employee about if they were hiring and whatnot. long story short, the lady said to ask for a woman named “Carrie” tomorrow morning. apparently Carrie is a manager there. so i have no idea what me and this lady will even talk about, i don’t know why i have to talk to her and im kinda freaking out. im mainly nervous because before applying i read all these reviews people wrote about Publix saying that they didn’t get a follow up interview for weeks, or even months, yet here i am possibly getting it THE NEXT DAY. i was not mentally prepared at all to get an interview with a manager this quickly, and im hella nervous.so now im staying up late anxiously waiting for tomorrow’s possible interview.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Why is it so hard to get out of bed?!?!?! Fucking pull me outta here coz i cant seem to move!!!
|
self.depression
|
My Dad sold our family home, and he doesn't know how upset I am about it. My Dad moved house with his partner as of two weeks ago, to live just outside our hometown. When I asked him if he'd miss the house, he simply said "I don't put emotion into material things", which deeply upset me.
We lived in that house for 10 years, and it was my mum and dad's project, building on it, making a bungalow into a home. It was also the last house that my Mum lived in, before she died in 2010, and the memories of her in that home are still very prominent. It's the home that I was in the longest, as it was somewhere I could go back to during uni, and when I lived away from home. My room was my sanctuary, away from the house, a room full of light and so cozy, and I do really miss it.
My dad and his partner just decided, this summer, after a holiday away, that the house was going to be sold. Logically, I understand it - there's no point being in that house when only two people are living there. But it happened so fast and I didn't even really have time to say a proper goodbye. To me, it just felt like all those memories (of my mum especially) were just being pushed to the side. I can understand my dad's partner not necessarily wanting to live there for that reason, but I just feel like it all happened so damn quickly and not with any sensitivity at all. I couldn't even enjoy the birthday party I hosted there in the summer (organised before the thought of moving was even talked about), because I was so paranoid about cleaning up before viewings the next day.
I'm going to be spending Christmas in a really unfamiliar place, in an unfamiliar house, that just isn't going to feel like Christmas. In that house, I always felt that mum was kinda there, around. And now it's gone, I just don't feel like it's going to be home.
If you've made it this far, thanks for reading.
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self.offmychest
|
someone cared (im 16, straight male) a kid in math class came up and asked "what's up?". we never really talk but he cared, someone actually cared. i replied with basically "i want to die". he gave some kind words. idk if he did this just cuz a kid died recently or he actually cared. i'm just glad that he did. for a few minutes i didn't think about how depressed and lonely i am. i didn't think about how i'm going to never get a gf/get laid (never held a girls hand, hugged a girl, or kissed a girl in a romantic setting. it's very depressing). now if only a girl could show any amount of romantic affection, id feel less alone.
-(please could you not say "your young, sex and relationships will come". i get what your trying to do, but i feel alone and feel like a worthless, disgusting, ugly piece of shit now. having a gf in the future would be great but were not in the future, were in the present. and i feel like shit now. i want to feel loved now.)
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self.depression
|
I wish I had a reason to die, like cancer or some other illness. Instead I'm healthy with no chance of anything bad happening. Death can't be as bad as this.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I resent my employees I'm a manager at a successful retail coffee chain... you know the one. ;) And I resent my employees. Which isn't fair to most of them; a lot of them are great people with good work ethics. But I feel like many of them have a complete lack of appreciation for me as a manager and a human being. Like because I'm their manager, my feelings don't matter.
Here's a few things that happened within the last week that have me down:
1. Employee had her 20 year anniversary with the company. Company sent her a trophy, "cash" to pick some gifts off the online store. I spent about $70 of my own money on gifts for her as well (a gift bag with candles, fancy chocolate, coffee mug, etc.) She complained to my assistant that I should have thrown her a party instead or gotten her a cake. She did not say thank you.
2. Another employee won employee of the quarter. I got her flowers, cupcakes, and an award. She also got a bonus. She complained that I didn't write her a card.
3. I was sick with a high fever and vomiting and needed someone to cover my shift. As a keyholder, if I can't find someone to cover for me, I have to go in. Would any one of my six keyholders cover? No. I really just needed 2 hours of the shift covered, and all that would have been needed was for one other keyholder to stay an extra two hours, but she refused. So in to work I went with a 102 fever.
4. I get constant complaints about people's schedules. They complain that they don't have enough hours, but refuse to ever pick up shifts. Got a text message at 10pm last night that someone was angry that they *didn't* get scheduled on Christmas Eve... it's not even time and a half. Why are you angry?
5. For team appreciation (required by my company, though we aren't given a budget for it), I spent $200 of my own cash on what they requested- Chipotle catering. Maybe 3 people ate any of it and it went to waste.
Sorry this is getting longer than anticipated. I'm just so frustrated by feeling like I bend over backwards for these people, spending my own money and time to make them feel appreciated and taken care of, and not being given any respect or appreciation back. I feel like I make a pretty good work environment. I don't know what else I can do to make these people happy and it's making me absolutely miserable.
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self.offmychest
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Feeling lost The last 4 months have been some of the worst of my life. Several events happened to occur around the same time - I lost my almost 14 year old dog, the ex that I almost got engaged to, and almost lost my mother all within a month. It's just been snowballing from there.
I spend my days lonely and not sure what to do with any free time I have. I go to work, sleepwalk through it, go home and stare at my wall for hours. I got a second job at night to fill some of my time and keep me busy, so instead of staring at the wall for 8 hours a day, I only have a couple of hours.
I'm switching between apathy and dissociation and bouts of crying uncontrollably. I don't care about conversations I have with coworkers, but I pretend to. I laugh and smile around them, but when I'm alone I just break. I go home and either hurt myself or consider it.
I'm hurting so badly and I don't know how to dig myself out. This isn't my first major depressive breakdown, but it feels like it's heading toward a break worse than the last, during which I was hospitalized and had to drop out of college.
I started talking to my ex again when he contacted me a couple months after the break-up. He just wants to stay friends, but I don't, and every day is torture. I wish I had the courage to move on again, but I can't. I relive all the mistakes I made every day.
I see a therapist every 2 weeks. I get outside a lot since I don't drive, so I commute to work via bike. I don't want to die, but I don't want to live. I can't seem to find a new future that I want after losing the future I was going to have with my ex. I don't know if I'll recover this time, and I'm not sure that I want to. I'm 27, and I've struggled with chronic depression since I was 10. I'm so tired of wanting to die and not doing it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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She left me cold and quick. I've always thought of myself as a strong person. I'm smart, not ugly, charismatic and funny. My girlfriend of two years just dropped me like a rock. Fucking wow, what a crushing feeling. How do you ditch the feels and get over it? She wouldn't even take my call or reply to my texts today. I get that she needs space, but ten seconds on a phone is too much to ask after two years. Jesus. How was I hit so hard by all this. She's all I think about, night and day.
She said she'd take the weekend to review her desire to breakup and get back to me. I don't know why I feel like I need her and only her so much. Why can't I let it go? I know that nothing I do or have to say matters at this point.
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self.offmychest
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just don't see a point anymore The usual, I guess. Dead end job, depression kicking my ass, having to pull outta rent to make sure I eat. Days just kinda bleed together and I can't even keep track usually. For a few days, when I was given a med, everything felt great. But the problem is, it stopped fucking working after those few days, and I fell into the exact same despair.
I just feel like there's nothing left for me, anywhere. Though I guess I'm not the only one, and I won't be the last. I don't seem to matter much to anyone anyway, unless of course they need something out of me.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Back on meds.... This time Latuda! This is day 6 of them. And.....I think these are good ones.
No side effects. Much more calm, productive and just better. Feel like I rocked a job interview on Tuesday. I'm excited about the possibility of this job, and didn't have my pre-interview panic attack.
Day 3 we learned that my husband is losing his job in 3 weeks. I've been mildly anxious, but overall optimistic.
I up my dose from 20 mg to 40 after 2 weeks.
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self.bipolar
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DAE get uncontrollable twitches when experiencing anxiety? My anxiety is always at its peak after a night of drinking. Whether it be a foggy mind, tingly feeling in my arms or my mind running in loops, never fails to be at its worse after drinking. Most recently the worst one has been uncontrollable twitching/blinking of my eyes. It gets to the point where I feel like something much worse is happening and causes me to panic even more. Any recommendations is greatly appreciated.
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self.Anxiety
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Stuck I'm really struggling in my life.
I'm a single parent. Her father raped me and I chose to have her. I went through years of abuse because I thought she needed her father. I realized she deserved better and we left. It's been a year and a half, I went from having a good job and having money saved up to working two jobs and not being able to pay my bills.
I couldn't give her a good Christmas. I can't afford daycare and a babysitter. I can't afford health insurance and tomorrow I'm going to return the one Christmas present I got myself because I need the extra $10 for gas.
I'm in debt to the family that helped me leave her father. I have to ask the babysitter to wait to be paid. I'm supposed to finally start health insurance and can't afford the first payment.
I'm so fucking stuck.
I'm busting my ass, working two jobs, barely seeing my daughter, and still don't make enough to pay everything.
I don't know what to do anymore.
My PTSD and depression are getting worse and I'm having suicidal thoughts again. I would never hurt myself for her sake, but she's the only thing that's ever stopped me from killing myself.
I can't fucking do this anymore. But I can't do anything to change things either. I can't find a better job, have no time for myself, barely any time for my daughter, no spare time to get a higher education, and nothing is hiring that I know of that better than the two jobs I work.
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self.offmychest
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22 years since the first attempt I've tried to kill myself so many times, I think I'm doing it wrong. I laying here reading the posts on here and I feel like my sadness doesn't come close to theses people. I'm not big on family, and I don't care how they would feel if I died. I do care for my mom tho. I have to take care of her bcuz no one else will, I do have older siblings but nothing there. When I would try to talk about how I feel all I would get is ( that's stupid to feel that way) so I shut down and have become very angry. I feel I'm stuck here because of my mom, but I'm not going to stay anymore I have a plan. I feel like a cliché when I think of everything that has been said before but now I'm saying it. I'm mostly afraid that my mom won't be taking care of by my sibling. That's y I'm waiting for her to pass so I won't have to worry about that. Yea dead people don't worry I suppose but that stops me. A year and a half ago my husband called the cops on me cuz I took two bottles of my meds full bottles. Lucky for me I'm a good lier and he didn't wait long enough for them to take effect on me. I'm really a sad pathetic person now that I'm reading this. I've always felt no one understood my thoughts and feelings on my life. They jus wanted to be selfish and make me live a life I never wanted nor asked for. I don't have anything to show in this life I was ever here, memories fade like years do. I'm jus a waste of a human and a waste of space that no one loves, they jus tolerate me and they shouldn't have to do that.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Done with this I've made numerous posts here, and have tried numerous times to kill myself and haven't gotten caught... it feels like I'm trapped. My only friendship is very toxic for the both of us. I like her, she has an abusive boyfriend, talks about his cheating and shit. I can't lose her or else I'll have no friends. She never hangs out with me amyway. Other kids my age are starting to get their shit together, while I'm failing in school and am going to spend a month in a psych ward soon. I've lost all my hobbies, no one cares about me, why shouldn't i just end it before im forced to go to the ward
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self.SuicideWatch
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THIS PLACE JUST HIT 40,000 SUBSCRIBERS!! Four years ago, there were 6,000.
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self.bipolar
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I feel like it would just be easier to die [deleted]
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self.depression
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Some support I think I have anxiety. This idea has only occurred to me relatively recently, as I previously just thought I was a worry wart with mild, mostly seasonal depression. Well...I don’t think so.
I’ve realized now after having kids I feel scared or in danger sitting in my own house. I get anxious in stores or driving down the freeway, it’s especially bad if my kids are with me. I have trouble sleeping and always have.
I don’t like this feeling and it leads to me being unable to relax, worried about my kids in situations that don’t warrant it and general mental fatigue.
How do you seek help? Do you contact your gp? How expensive csm treating anxiety get? What are some non-medication avenues?
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self.Anxiety
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Does this sub give you inspiration? It does for me. All I want to do is get a gun and kill everyone who has lead me to the point of my death, then turn the gun on myself. That's all I want to do. I just hope I don't get a gun so it doesn't happen.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anyone else sick and tired of feeling sick and tired I'm talking about the lifestyle that comes with depression and anxiety.Isolating yourself, doing drugs, indecisiveness, not progressing in life, loneliness, jon hoping, broken relationships, never finishing school. You guys know what I mean.
I just get tired of going into that plague. I get tired of letting the feelings of depression consume me, I get tried of that cycle where I don't do anything to help my depression and then use "I'm to depressed and anxiety got the best of me." As excuses. Shit gets old after a couple years.
I think one of the best ways to help this disorder is to fight through and do the things you really do want to do. A lifestyle change can help but I know how excruciatingly difficult it is. It's very hard
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self.depression
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Have to make hard decision, freaking out, need to ramble [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I get anxiety from just trying to text in a Kid group chat [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Mania vs. depression: A Poem Comparison Mania:
Monochromatic walls of white surround me
pen in hand
my body commands
to bleed it and
splash the ink all around
My voice once repressed, and silent
now evokes sound-waves that
shake and rattle the bars of its prison
The world spins
my arms twirl
thoughts scatter about
like littered clothes on the floor
As if possessed by
a drunken sailor
I plunge onto my bed
nose dug into pillow
rolling back and forth
wrapping myself in
blankets like a burrito
I count 3.. 2.. 1
and blast off
blankets eject away
Naked as a newborn
exposed
I sing and frolic about
The gum wad stowed
beneath my skull
knows I am crazy
but why fight
the ecstasy
Depression:
My eyes always reflected
because they glistened with tears
I felt my body had defected
and left me with robotic gears
My voice was no longer mine
I spoke like a mockingbird
purporting that I was fine
The spirit inside shuddered
My pink brain began to blend
as delusions pureed it
My performance found its end
with me writhing on the carpet
How do you all feel during these episodes?
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self.bipolar
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Suffering Read some of my last posts, to give you some context. I’m a junior in high school, I’m overweight, but to the point of return. I grow less and less compelled to wake up and go to high school. I really am. I’m looking for a job so I can move out of my parents place (I’m 17 at the moment) and just quit school. I have a messy background, last year was hell for me. Mental hospital, IOP, court, yada yada. I don’t think I suffer enough. Like the kids back in IOP and the mental hospital deserve the life I have, and I deserve theirs. I deserve to get the shit beaten out of me. I deserve to be abused. I deserve no love. I’ve been going with this philosophy to cope with my past. It’s not as easy as moving on. I don’t have the guts to kill myself, I just don’t.
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self.depression
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I just had a pretty significant revelation, and I can't stop feeling. I'm a 30/F with a tendency to bottle things up. After years and years of this behavior, I finally recognized my tendency to lash out and be defensive when I feel threatened.
My reactions to anything threatening my self-worth or desires result in me getting really salty, angry, or sarcastic. It's like I'm a wounded animal. Someone hurts me, or acts in a way that I believe they will hurt me, and I shut down. Immediately, I jump to conclusions. Then, I beat myself up emotionally. When I come down from the anger, I just push myself to distance myself from that hurtful thing, and to be more, do more, to avoid being hurt again, and wear myself out because of it. Then I distance myself from my feelings so I don't get emotionally invested.
I've acted this way for years. I don't have a lot of extremely close friends, just a lot of acquaintances and buddies I spend time with. I love to travel, so I've met a lot of people along the way. But everyone is at arm's length because I'm terribly afraid of someone rejecting me or making me feel too much.
I've had romantic relationships, in a good one now. After having some physical distance during the holidays, I caught myself playing the "baby wounded deer", feeling like we weren't talking or conversing enough, and immediately jumping to a conclusion about what that meant.
This time was different, though. I was tired of feeling attacked, even though I was the one doing the attacking. I realized that I was just picking apart the situation because I was trying to avoid being afraid --- maybe afraid of losing someone I care about, or afraid of getting too close to someone.
If you're reading this still, thank you. Self-awareness can be a beautiful and difficult thing.
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self.offmychest
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My Best Streak Of Lowest Anxiety Ended Today. The Panic Is Back With A Vengeance. I'm Certain It's Because I'm About To Start A New Job On Wednesday. Help? Hello!
Long story short, I have found a new job that meets my income and scheduling needs, but it's also something I will greatly enjoy as well. That makes it pretty different from every other job I've ever had.
They called me last night and told me I've got the position. I am SO insanely excited. But, as soon as I knew I had the job, the panic attacks came back. During the summer, I went from having 50-100 severe attacks a day to *maybe* 2-4 moderate ones on a particularly bad day.
But this has been 0 to 60 all over again. I had one extremely bad one before going to sleep last night, then had them throughout the night in my sleep and all throughout the day. I slept until 2 p.m. after going to sleek at 10 the night before.
I'm sure this is from me be anxious about the new job. They will be sending me to school to learn the trade. That is most likely what's freaking me out. I know I can do it and will enjoy it. But the fact that they're willing to take that gamble with me... I don't know. It's just an easy way for my mind to add pressure, I suppose.
Can any of you help? I usually walk 5-10 miles per day, but due to sleeping well past noon, I only did about a mile and a half today. I'm sure that's exacerbating things, because the rest of the anxiety I had been feeling pretty much entirely went away when I started exercising daily.
I need a hug... I haven't been this terrified or sick from panic in a *long* time. It's feeding off of itself now. :/
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self.Anxiety
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My Roommate is Frustrating Me Overall, my roommate and I get along. We have been friends basically since first grade, and right now we are seniors in college. We go to different schools, so we have no overlap on classes, but we still live together.
Long story short, we are both into D&D and D&D shows. However, we each have our own show we have tried.
I tried her show out and I’m kinda into it. Every time I mention to her that she should try my show, she immediately shoots it down. She says things like her show is just better (despite never seeing an episode), and that she can’t be bothered to check out my show (despite having the time to play episode over episode of her show so I can hear it).
I know this is kind of petty, but it is that on top of other things. This just happens to be coming to a bit of a head because we are returning to school tomorrow. On our way home, she played her show the whole time. She says I can only play part of my show tomorrow if/when I drive. But as soon as she is back in the driver’s seat, we are listening to her show.
It just feels like she doesn’t respect me enough to even try something I care about while she expects me to bow to her things. And I feel like if I brought this up she would just shoot it down again, which would only make it worse.
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self.offmychest
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I don't know what to do, and so far I can only muster stubbornness to keep going. I've always struggled with depression, whether obvious or not. And I've managed to always keep going just by being hard-headed and saying to put 1 foot in front of the other. Tough it out. Just keep going. You're the strong one. You can handle this.
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Well, at the end of July I became unemployed. Been searching for a job since. Had some medical bills go into collections. Used the credit cards I had to stay afloat while telling myself "Come on! Keep trying to get that job and everything will work itself out!"
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$29,000 credit card debt later, i have no idea how much in all I owe to the collection agencies, I've been adding them all to a single contact "Collections" in my phone and not answering calls I don't recognize. To make all this feel worse.. I was involved in a car accident with my 2017 chevy several weeks ago and was just told about 10 minutes ago.. it's going to be a total loss. And I owe more on the loan than the car's value is. I started buying the car a year ago.. when all was going quite well. Now.. I don't know what I'm going to do.. The insurance agency will have to take the loaner/rental back now. I now don't have a way of getting to in-person interviews. And the weight just keeps getting heavier.. I just.. really want to cry in a corner and 'poof' cease to exist. I don't feel strong, I don't feel like I have plan or answers to any of these questions. The closest (distance) family I have is about 1.5 hours drive away.
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I really just wanted to get this off my chest. To say I told someone atleast. Now, I'll do what I guess I always do. I'll stand up and go be stubborn. To bottle this shit until things are better then I can open that bottle and it'll be empty because the problems are gone.
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self.depression
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I have egomania I looked it up I have every symptom and I don’t know what to do. I just wish I was normal.
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self.depression
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I'm sad I'm sad all the time and it sucks. Too sad to do stuff, like get out of bed in the morning, eat properly, clean my room etc. I just want it to stop.
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self.depression
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Has anyone tried lifespan integration therapy? What's it like, and how did it work for you?
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self.depression
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Most optimal type of therapy for the time and money anyone here has found Hi all so I was wondering if anyone had an opinion on what the optimal type of therapy for gad, social anxiety OCD exc is...I've only been in therapy once and I guess you could say it was talk therapy but I was kind of full of shit and never rly opened up so it didn't yield any results. Without ever having done it, cBT to me seems kind of ridiculous because it basically states, unless I'm wrong, that all of your negative feelings and emotions come from negative thoughts and patterns but so much of my horrible anxiety exists without any thoughts at all so I don't rly understand how that could be true? As far as psychoanalysis goes, I believe I have a pretty clear understanding of what drives my anxiety--feelings of intense insecurity and low self esteem from being bullied and never feeling good about myself exc so would having a good understanding about what drives me negate any need for regular talk therapy/psychoanalysis? I'm kind of confused on where to get started with this therapy thing but I definitely want to give it a real try for once as I've tried all the meds there are with a psychiatrist ( we don't talk just prescribe) and it's done nothing. Appreciate any input
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self.depression
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Lamictal and severe double vision About 3 months ago my dose of lamictal was increased from 200mg to 300mg in one day. After about 3 days I experienced the worst double vision I've ever encountered. I couldn't get out of bed or stand up without falling. After that event I dropped down to 225 and left it there for a month or so, then saw my psychiatrist again who suggested I start moving back to 300 but over time. I started increasing my dose again from 225 to 300, sitting at 250 for 2 weeks now sitting at 300 for the past 3 days. What are the chances I will get double vision again? I didn't notice any side effects at 225 or 250.
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self.bipolar
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I'm so upset right now (rant) First- I live in a small-medium sized country town. We bought our house (half a duplex) because it was on the outskirts and more country than town. The back yard was against a small strip of trees and a farm beyond that.
Well, I got home today to find that they clear cut the trees. All the trees are gone, right up to our property line. The husband had found a neighbor earlier and found out they are planning to build 1000 townhouses back there. 1000! I just stood out back and cried. Now I'm having trouble calming down and not predicting a major property value slide and trying not to (in mynhead) pre-write a letter to the bank for being underwater on our loan when we go to sell (which is probably at least 2 years off). I have just randomly started crying throughout the evening and am thinking of going to take my emergency meds to help calm down.
I know it's not my land, that the company has every right to do what they want with it all, but I still feel upset that we're going from country neighborhood to city block.
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self.Anxiety
|
I have to send an email! Will someone reassure me?
It's for a job reference and the person who's calling them already has their information (it's a recruiting agency, I just haven't used them in a few years) and said they're calling them, but I haven't talked to the references in years. What if they say no or don't see my email and the person calls them first?! What if my email is awkward? I need to send it soon, please someone reassure me it'll be alright.
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self.Anxiety
|
my thoughts on depression. we live in a world where we are told that everything is logical but it's not, when we question things we are usually answered with "dont you have a better thing to do" "that will never make you a living".
alot of people who are depressed funnel that brain energy in computer games , making music , watching tv or hell , chasing the next big goal just to realise it was just another illusion.
kids ask alot of questions , their minds uses the feedback to make logical assumptions and it's fun. Everything is fun when you are a kid.. until you grow up and realise that the big questions are being overshadowed by meaningless dramatic arguments and usually , we are looked down upon if we take a natural stance on a subject. It's like we are being told not to think , but watch tv and read a book instead.
this slowly turns into not being able to answer your own questions and creates anxiety and insecurity , which completes the circle.
philosophy is therapy. and no , am not taking about becoming a philosopher , am talking about using the methods of philosophy (making assumptions , negating facts , arguing to actually learn and not to just win an argument.)
here is a 6 minute video which can relate.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDiyQub6vpw
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self.bipolar
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I can't see myself fitting into any career path. I've had 9 different jobs since leaving school & am now a live at home man-child failure with social anxiety. YAY! [deleted]
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self.depression
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Every time I..... Every time I drive, I want to drive off a cliff, crash into a barrier at high speed, just crash into something without physically harming anyone else.
Every time I'm in the kitchen, I want want to stab myself, I want to drink bleach.
Every time I'm out shopping, I want to buy a plastic bag and gas, I want to buy a strong sturdy rope.
Every time I think about all the terrible things I've done in the past, the people I've hurt, I want to end it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I just had my first sleep paralysis, and damn it was weird. So I was browsing reddit in my bed on my phone when I felt a heavy drowsiness coming over me, so I decided to take a nap. Almost immediately as I fall asleep, I wake up in my stepfathers house, sitting on the couch on the second floor, which was when I realised I had gone lucid and was dreaming. I've only had one lucid dream in the past (one of my greatest experiences), and so I got very excited.
However, right as I made that realisation, the room suddenly stretched out, as if someone was fiddling with a fov slider. Simultaneously, two things happened. An evil doctor voice whispered in my left ear "what he he he he hehaeeheeeee" veery slowly. My neck began tremoring like crazy, and every muscle in my body froze completely still.. It was weirdly amazing how I really couldn't move a thing, just like everyone says.
Everything went dead silent for about 10 seconds, in which I frantically tried screaming and kicking to no avail. Then, the real shit went down. Some ghetto rap beat very similar to the one in Rockstar by Post Malone started playing so loud it felt like it almost burst my ear. I could hear heavy footsteps coming up the stairs (where I was sitting I faced the stairs). The ghetto music continued playing.
Right on the beat, everything flashed wildly, and what seemed like 2 ghoulish black smoke hands held up a self emissive moving picture book and a voice was reading everything fast while flashing images through the book at me. If anyone here remembers the intro from 9 hours, 9 people, 9 doors it kind of looked like that, except a dark figure was holding it up as a book very close to my eyes, which shone extremely brightly. Then, after about a minute or so of this, it all abruptly ended as the figure said "big brother" (though it was hard to make out) very abruptly and in a pacing faster than it's already fast pacing.(yes, I have read 1984), and the sound effect of entering a portal played and everything went dead silent again. For the last 20 seconds or so, I sat in the dark room, which was somehow wobbling and still distorted from when it distorted in the beginning. Everything was moving like a mist, except somehow more like water (as if the mist was disturbingly uniform) and I couldn't focus on anything.
In the final seconds I could hear someone playing with a knife downstairs. Keep in mind, through all of this, my neck was shaking really badly. When I tried to scream it felt like my vocal cords were strangled.
I would say the whole thing lasted for about 2 minutes from my perspective. Then when I woke up, I was actually still dreaming, and I had to "wake up" two more times before I was out of my dreams and back in reality (god the relief).
Sorry if this reads like a mess, I kind of jolted down everything I remember as vividly as possible before I forget it.
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self.offmychest
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Had to withdraw from my college classes, I'm useless Well had to drop my classes. Was going to fail every one of them. Is it because I'm dumb? No I'm really smart and could get straight a's in my sleep if I would just show up every day and do the course work. I can just learn everything in a college by just listening without taking a single note. I am so gifted with an ability to learn, but I just squander it away because I'm a good for nothing crybaby. I can never get my work done by the due date, I don't show up to class a lot, and that just sabotages me. Why do I not do my work? Why do I not show up to class? Because I'm a piece of shit crybaby that just sits at home and cries that he wants to die. I really like learning too, that's the stupidest part about this.
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self.depression
|
I️ don’t know what to do with my life anymore. Feels there are no other options
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self.depression
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I drove through the drive-thru to get my food instead of walking in and sitting down... I wish I didn't have to leave the house and reveal my hideous face to the public and child height (I'm a 5'4" dude).
I'm just so done with my life.
Before you tell me its going to get better, no it fucking is not.
No it fucking is NOT in my head.
I don't understand why people cannot accept that some people are ugly. There is evolutionary psychology that says that looks are not subjective and genetic signals of attraction make a diff.
Every other day, I cry myself to bed and just hope that at least my dreams will have a different reality. They often do. False reality of me walking across the mall or park holding hands with an imaginary gf and us both getting ice cream. I wake up with tears shortly before walking to my bathroom and see my face that looks like it was run through a fucking meat grinder as I brush my teeth just to remind myself why it is just a dream and probably won't ever be a reality.
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self.SuicideWatch
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meds drove me crazy? I’m pretty sure all the drugs I’ve been on from such a young age that I didn’t need drove me into a slow paced psychosis
When I recently got off meds I decided to track back to my first med I ever took to the one I’m on now... in the end it made me realize none of the meds I was taking was need or i was taking it to patch up anxiety from other medications.
I started concerta for concentration at age 8 (my parents couldn’t deal with me... I couldn’t read... couldn’t write... was chasing kids with scissors, I feel like they made the wrong choice but I don’t blame them I was hard to handle)... once I took it I was the best student in first grade. I learned how to read in a few weeks and no longer had impulsive actions. I should mention that after taking concerta at such a young age I experienced what I didn’t know was anxiety or panic attacks (neither did my parents) at 8 and would be locked in my room when I couldn’t stop crying and running around at night and I’d start to hyperventilate. My parents didn’t understand so they just didn’t want me coming out. They didn’t mean any harm. They felt so bad and just didn’t know what to do when I was screaming bloody murder saying I was so scared but “didn’t know why”
That was certainly the cause of a lot of my anxiety if not all of it. The concerts created so much pent up anxiety in me.
I took only concerta until I was 15 and had a hard time in highschool. I was being aggressive and confrontational to other kids and also crying all the time. Looking back this was probably still the concerta.... but my mom decided I needed to try a anti anxiety medication. I got put on Zoloft at age 15 and stayed on only Zoloft and concerta until I was 20 when I just started having a lot of anger and anxiety and crying. I should mention that Zoloft did help for around 5 years... then at 20 I guess it just stopped? Also I have been in therapy since age 8 (although I’ve had a fairly easy life and I had no reason to be in therapy other than all the anxiety the amphetamines were causing))
Anyhow at 20- I started going off Zoloft and started on a mood stabilizer. I also decided that the concerta was making me angry and when I didn’t take it I felt better although it was harder to concentrate. I didn’t go off of it until I graduated college though. Anyhow I got off Zoloft and concerta at 21 essentially, put on mood stabilizers lamictal and then when that didn’t work we did topamax as well. So two mood stabilizers. we suspected I had bipolar so we tried those and they kind of helped? But my labido was gone (it still is and I’ve been off a lot of meds for a long time) anyhow they ended up just being medicine I took and I didn’t feel like anything helped but I also thought “if this is keeping me afloat, let’s just keep doing this”. As soon as I graduate college I had a breakdown. We realized none of my meds were working. I committed myself and they took me off all the medicine I was on. They put me on lithium which didn’t work. And then Prozac which put me into psychosis lol. The Prozac was only 6 weeks ago I’m still traumatized of the withdrawal. When I got on Zoloft I was too young to even understand the consequences of SSRIs and I didn’t experience any side effects (or so I think?) and I went off of it like a snail once I was 20 and realized what half lives were. Took me 6 months to get off because I was not ready to deal with any withdrawing during college.
Anyhow here I am 22- functioning pretty well without half those meds. I’m still on lamictal as I don’t even know if it’s helping and I’m not ready to spiral out again if it is and I go off of it. I’m on xanax twice a day at .25 for anxiety but it’s only been 6 weeks of that and I intend to go off it all soon. I just wonder if my early use of medicine hurt me more than helped.
List of medicine I’ve been on since I was 8
Concerta
Ritalin
Zoloft
Wellbutrin
Seroquil
Lexapro
Prozac
Xanax
Ativan (got an adverse reaction to)
Klonopin (didn’t work)
Lamictal
Topamax
Lithium
So like... all these meds. In my years when my brain was still forming. That’s like 13 medications. That’s fucked up. I never was even that depressed. Highschool sucked but it sucks for everyone. I needed more therapy not pills.
Looking back at this I’m pretty sure the medicines just drove me into psychosis over 13 years and honestly I didn’t even need any of them?
I’m fine now off most meds just learning to deal with life. I feel like all my anxiety and depression was worse on meds.
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self.Anxiety
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Experiencing (suspected) GAD for the first time. Advice until i can get official help? I'm sorry if this isn't a proper post. I just need a bit of help. I'm one of those "it would never happen to me" types, and I honestly feel small and frightened over this.
About 10 days ago I was suddenly stricken with anxiety that has stuck with me since. Not in specific "attacks", but as an overall, constant worry. In particular, mine is about death, just the overall idea of it. I already know, "inevitability" and such, I accept that. But I've just been feeling irrational terror over it.
A brief run of symptoms: constant running/intrusive thoughts, occasional physical restlessness (ranging from shaking/rocking while sitting, to needing to get up and pace for 5+ minutes). Difficulty focusing strongly on things like video games (TV I can do, but too long in one sitting makes me slow up about it), the occasional "spike" of fear that shakes me up for a few seconds, loss of appetite, dry mouth, occasional nausea. I only experienced one true panic attack so far, but it was fairly brief.
I'm 23, but I'm autistic and still live with my parents. Being the over-confident child-at-heart I am, I kept quiet for the few half or so of the time I've had it, thinking it was just an existential crisis that would eventually die out. After it became apparent that it wouldn't, I spoke up.
Due to the holiday season and a need to work with medical insurance, I was told I'd need to wait for before seeing a doctor for diagnosis and aid. I'm not so bad that I need emergency help, but my mind feels overwhelmed and it's hard to focus on things I enjoy and spend time with family. The idea of having to fight this long-term is scary, which of course only piles on to the existing problems.
Since every help site and online test seems to either involve "attack" based anxiety or directs me to buy reports or books, it's tricky to think of what to do. Simple answers like "deep breathing" and "calm down" haven't felt impactful. I just want to go back to normal, and be with my family without spending half of my brainpower fighting a pointless battle against myself.
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self.Anxiety
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running out of time, suicide is next i have $267.84 in my bank account, just enough to pay rent for the last month of my lease and then I’ll be living out of my car if I can’t earn anything and renew my lease. racked up the credit cards I’ve been struggling to pay off to make ends meet until now. Was fired two months ago from shitty factory job and unable to find work. Slaving away for minimum wage just makes me want to kill myself anyways, but what else can I do but prostituir myself or become a stripper. Can’t go back to school until I pay back the $3000 I owe to the university, and even if I could go back to school I’d have to work a shitty job full time while trying to pass classes, I did it before and god is it exhausting.
My hopes and dreams are dead, I spend all of my time regretting the opportunities I’ve fucked up. I had the chance to walk for Michael Kors two years ago but couldn’t afford to stay in Chicago, I should’ve just drove up and stayed in my car but I was depressed and doubted myself and then it was too late. I wish I could pursue modeling again but I’m 24 now and really not pretty enough anyways and my agency dropped me. I also injured my foot working as a picker at fuckazon walking 12 hrs a day but couldn’t get workers comp so I don’t even know if I could wear heels anymore.
Going use the last of my cash to buy a gun drive up to the mountains get drunk smoke some blunts watch the sunrise stand up shoot myself theu the mouth aiming up and hopefully fall over the edge. Hope I will die between gunshot wound and fall, biggest fear is living and being paralyzed/disabled.
I’ve fucked everything up and I have no desire to do anything, just stay in bed all day staring at the wall until I’m tired enough to sleep again
Ready to die
Anyone have a gun i can borrow
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self.SuicideWatch
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