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Depressed and lonely TLDR: Anxiety and depression at an all time high. I can't seem to make friends easily. Where do I go from here?
Hi everyone. I'm not really sure what I am doing here. But, if you are reading this, you probably want some background: I suffer from pretty severe PTSD/TBI. I've been living with it for almost six years now. Lately, I've been in a rut that I can't seem to shake. I guess this "episode" started in April. I began to spiral downward and distance myself from my loved ones. About a month later, my long-term/live-in girlfriend told me she couldn't even be my friend anymore. The company I owned and operated has been closed down and I could no longer afford my vehicle. I haven't seen or spoken to any of my friends since then. My little brother has visited a few times. I can see his pity and how uncomfortable he is when he comes over. That only compounds the problem because now I would rather not see him at all. The lack of social interaction has taken its toll. I now feel extreme anxiety when I leave the house. I've tried making new friends. This only ends with both parties leaving disappointed.
Tonight I was inspired to post here because the only people I talk to really let me down. One person asked to seduce me. The other person assumed I was after more than a friendship, and kept turning down my (non-existent) romantic advances.
I used to be the life of the party, extroverted, and the class clown. I know my disability makes it difficult to see social cues. Am I so far out of it that I can't have a normal platonic friend? Is everyone else just horrible or is it me? Thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this.
UPDATE: The person that "friend-zoned" me just asked for my help with moving. So, one person wants sex, the other wants moving help. Is that what it takes to be friends with people? I said yes to helping with the move but no to the sex. But to be honest, they both make me feel used.
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self.depression
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Feeling really, really helpless I didn't get my license until I was 20 because I had a severe fear of driving. I've come to see that this fear fluctuates. Sometimes I'm hyper aware of the fact that if I- or anyone else- makes a mistake that I could die, and I start to have panic attacks and do everything that I can to get out of the car as soon as possible. I get scared even driving down the block, and I picture accidents in my head all the time.
Other times, I'm assuming when I'm manic, I CAN'T wrap my head around the fact that I need to be careful. I've turned the car without looking first (unintentionally), gone at risky times, speed frequently, that kinda thing. The thing I want to stress here though is that when I do things like that, I'm not trying to hurt myself. I actually don't want to. And I definitely don't want to hurt anyone else. It's like there's some sort of disconnect- I just literally CAN'T wrap my head around the fact that it's dangerous. Sorta feels like I got a power up in Mario Kart and just can't worry about anything around me. Then there are the days where I fantasize about crashing into things.
I've stopped driving until I can sort this out- I know it's not safe for me or anyone else right now.
But here's the thing. I'm unemployed and paying $130 a month (that I don't have) on car insurance. I'm engaged, and my wonderful SO is kind of floating both of us right now though he doesn't make much. We have to move into a slightly more expensive place next month (our lease is ending) and I really need to be making something- any source of income would be good. But I live in NJ and have sort of exhausted every option in terms of jobs that don't involve driving. I am feeling so helpless.
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self.bipolar
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does anyone feel like they don't even enjoy sleeping anymore? i used to always look forward to going to bed, but now i feel like i look at even that as a chore. such an odd feeling, it almost makes me uncomfortable getting ready for bed and even if i wake up super early and am tired i have no desire to go back to sleep. has anyone experienced this?
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self.depression
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I'm not depressed, I'm just pathetic. ...is the mantra I have been using to justify why I've spent 20 years refusing to ask for help.
I avoid problems not because I learned people, even family, can only go so far before frustration kicks in (and that hurts), but because I am weak and sheltered.
I don't take care of my health not because of a deep set sense of apathy and a lack of self worth, but because I am a disgusting slob.
I have made it this far not because I have been pretending I am OK, but because I *am* OK, just lazy, and I should do better.
I'm not depressed, I'm just pathetic.
And I don't ask for help because I am ashamed and know I don't deserve it, not because I fear the rejection and derision will break me and push me into a darker place I don't want to reach.
But now I feel trapped, like I've been falling for a long time and thinking "This is fine. I can salvage this tomorrow.", only I'm about to hit the ground and it's too late either way.
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self.depression
|
I want it to stop. I want it to end. This depression. The Snake at the back of my mind. This anxiety. I want, no, I NEED it to stop. But I can't fix it. I don't know how. I don't know what to do. I just want to die. I just want it to all be over. Please.
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self.depression
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I’m afraid of failing I want to kill myself, I’m goddamn sure no one else would miss me. My parents have another smarter, more successful child, my boyfriend is popular with women and could replace me in an instant. And friends? What’s that? However, I don’t want to fuck it up and end up in some mental hospital being treated like a psycho.
I’ve already failed pretty much everything. My grades are shit, and I’m headed nowhere in life but the drive through window at a shitty fast food chain. There’s not a single college that would want my uninvolved, lazy ass.
At one point I had dreams. I wanted to travel, and teach English to grade school students in another country. But I think I’d be doing the future generations a favor by leaving the world before they’re born.
But back to my main point. I’m going to fail my suicide attempt, just like everything else. I’ll survive pills and hanging and probably be the “lucky” .01% to survive a bullet through the brain (though I don’t have access to a gun). I’m going to end up not getting what I want and revealing to my peers who I really am. What I really think about when I’m smiling and awkwardly trying to converse with them. They’ll all know I’m a fucking mentally ill freak.
I can’t talk to a suicide hotline, because talking to strangers is my worst nightmare. I especially couldn’t let a stranger know my darkest thoughts. My failures. Things not even my family knows. Besides, years of therapist after therapist haven’t done jack shit. Why would some phone call do anything?
Honestly, I’m home alone for the next hour or so. I could slip away pretty quietly. I’m not even scared of dying at this point, I’m scared of surviving. I don’t want to be fixed anymore. I just want to pet my dog one last time, and peacefully fall asleep.
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self.SuicideWatch
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the cyber monday ads at the top of this subreddit Can we change this? Seems like a bad idea for manic folks.
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self.bipolar
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Vent Session Hey guys. I have moved around so much growing up. The group of friends I knew for the longest have started to branch out. I got no one to really talk to. The only place I felt slightly comfortable living was at my parents house. But my sister in law basically got into an argument with my parents and kicked my parents out also. So we are living at another place. I’m tired of moving so much and just want to be stable. I don’t know what to do with my life. Help me
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self.depression
|
Everything is falling apart. I've been going through a real bad break up over the course of this month. It has been bad because were constantly fighting every day and we have been living together, and still are for about two more weeks. I love this girl, but she has done things that make it so hard for me to trust her again. She has lied and cheated on our relationship, and I just couldn't take it anymore. I confronted her about it, and it somehow went into other issues between us, and it just unwound every issue we may have had with eachother. We ended up no longer communicating to eachother, which then somehow turned into us fighting daily. It makes things so much harder that we have a child together, too. I've dated this girl for 3 years, recently engaged, known her for over 10, and have had a crush on this girl since the first day I met her. I hate splitting our family up, I hate thinking of a life with out her, I hate these constant yelling matches and stress were causing. Sometimes it feels like the best option is to just end my life, and I know that's bad, especially when I have the most amazing child in the world. Yesterday was the first time where ending my life felt like a real possibility.
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self.depression
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I can't feel things as strongly as I used to. Is this the meds, or just growing up? This is my first post, and I am on mobile, so I'm sorry if I mess something up.
Currently on a low dose of abilify and Wellbutrin. It seems to be working pretty well. I've held down a job for two years, and a relationship for one year. No major episodes. But I have noticed one thing.
I don't feel passion anymore. I don't feel intense happiness. I don't feel rage. I don't even feel sadness.
Everyone I have talked to has said that this is normal and you don't really feel as strongly about things as you get older (I turned 27 yesterday). But that can't be right, can it?
I feel like at this point, I have two options. 1. Be stable and safe and forget about feeling things. Or 2. Go off my meds and have all my feelings but no stability.
Is it possible to have both?
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self.bipolar
|
I think 2018 gonna be the same as 2017 Exactly this day, one year ago, i was devastated from a broken relationship, i was also got laid off from my work. It was then that i decided to talk to one of my high school friend, and we continue to do that for until we became a couple. She is now my ex, she broke up with my, i'd spare you guys the detail but it's pretty much because of long distance relationship, my failure to realize it when she start to lose trust for me, and my stupidest decision ever. 2017 could have been my year, i found job at a place where the co-worker is friendly, and the boss treat me like family. I was in love someone who make me realize what it feel like to truly be in love, who can love me unconditionally. I could have it all, a good job, a wonderful family with her and my kid, yet I fucked it all up because i think too much, i worry too much about the future, about thing that may or may not happen, that i forgot about what important is in the present. I worked too hard for our future when i neglected her in the present, she began to lose trust in me, she was in pain because she think i abandoned her, and I didn't even realize it. Then she made a choice, she decided that she no longer love me and can't continue this relationship anymore. I can't get her to stay, nothing i said matter anymore, i was too blind to see that the girl i love the most was hurt be none other than me. After our broke up, i broke down mentally, i can't feel anything, can't do anything anymore. I was working two job and still in college, i tried my best to stay calm and collected when i'm study and at work. I barely pass the semester, got fired at my second job because i can't keep my mind clear, at least I still have my first job with me. Now, at the end of 2017, i was in that exact same place where i ended 2016, even worse than that. I just hope that i have the strength to go through 2018 without repeating any of that mistake, because i'm too tired of me ruining my life with my overthinking, i try so hard to control it, but i just keep doing that, and it results in me making stupid decision that keep ruining my life.
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self.depression
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I Feel a Blind Rage Rage at myself. Rage at the hole I'm in. I don't want to pull myself out. I don't want to get better. I just want to rage. I want to go off the fucking wall. I don't even fucking know. I don't want to control my anger. I don't want to redirect it. I want it to manifest as pain.
Fuck standing for something. Fuck society. I don't give a shit. All of my problems are my own fault but I don't care. Run. Run. Run away. Don't confront. Fuck emotions. I don't have them anymore. I don't feel. Fuck thoughts. I don't think. I'm an animal. A mindless, hedonistic drone who will seek out that next best orgasm, that next J, that next delicious meal, that next hot bath, without any work involved. I will destroy my life because my life doesn't matter. I don't matter. Guess what? You don't matter either. Nobody matters. No one will ever matter because I'm incapable of being comfortable enough with myself to accept that anyone matters. Never again. My love is nonexistent. Everyone else's is an intangible concept. There is no Joy. There is no Joy. I'm too stupid to pull myself out. Too stupid. Too stupid. Too stupid. Unable to understand. Unable to internalize. I'm stupid. I *made* myself stupid. I dug the hole. I dug the whole because I'm stupid. I'm immature. I deserve hate. I deserve the contempt of others that I receive, because I am an uncaring, unfeeling, weak, boring, substance-less person. I will not climb out. I will not climb out. Too far down. Not willing to climb out. Just digging further. Keep digging. Keep digging deeper, to where the light doesn't touch. Then keep going. Hide. Don't relate. You're unable to anyways. You're not used to it. You don't know how. You're too stupid to connect. So dig. Keep digging. That's your purpose. To dig your hole. I started the downward trajectory. I will not stop the inertia. It's too hard. I'm too stupid. Too stupid to understand the value of human connection. Too stupid to feel it. Too stupid to create it. Too stupid to understand how it works.
Too stupid. So RAGE. DESTROY. The world deserves to burn because I can't cope with it. I'm too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too week. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak. Too weak.
Born stupid. Born weak. Always weak.
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self.depression
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I've been living life terribly I am a freshman in college that has had issues that I have caused my entire life. I am a 5'1 male eho doesnt need to study due to near photographic memory, this has caused me to become very lazy in life. While I might have many friends I still have been living life terribly. I spend all of my time outside of uni on the computer playing games, eating terribly, being edgy and disrespecting my parents, and neglecting my dental care. Since a month ago I have been turning my life upside down. I have started going to the gym daily, treating my parents with respect, fixing my oral routine, and got a job. It feels good but admitting to myself and a group of people no matter how many people do or do not read this, to admit that I was living a terrible lifestyle and finally fixing it.
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self.offmychest
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Feeling like it might be almost time for me to go. Hey guys,
Dont usually post on reddit much (more of a lurker). But here we are. Why am I here right now? Well a few reasons:
Firstly, I was bullied during high school, and while I did go and see a therapist I still have that nagging anxiety, low self esteem and overthinking that seeps into my everyday life.
Secondly, I thought going to uni in the city might change things, as many people told me it might, but it only made me feel more alone. I didnt like my course (luckily I did make a few friends). I decided to go home to the countryside as emotionally I didnt handle being away from home too well.
Thirdly, at uni I got a parasitic infection which supposedly should be gone (infection occured about 4 months ago, took antibiotics), but some symptoms are still present in a mild state. I am in a small amount of pain every day.
I feel trapped in my job at the local supermarket, but it keeps me active (as most of the time I only feel like I have the energy to keep playing video games or listening to music).
I feel like I have all of these problems and no one understands how I feel (including my family). I wish the infection symptoms would just go away completely, I am sick of suffering and want to get on with rebuilding my life.
Would appreciate if someone could listen or give advice, feel very alone in my life right now and definitely not in a good place.
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self.SuicideWatch
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does anyone else get really intense but short lasting moments of feeling super worthless and wanting to die?? [deleted]
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self.depression
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I accidentally typed my notes for class in the comment section of a reddit post the other day The fuck bruh lol I’m gonna fail out of college my roommate hasn’t shown up to class in almost a month and finally went to counseling today and I’m the one pulling this shit lol this gonna be (hopefully) a better motivator than any of those dumbass subreddits my priorities ain’t in order
Also sorry for the sporadic formatting and wording and such it’s 2:05 am give me a break
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self.offmychest
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Alcoholic in Recovery, diagnosed anxiety, depression, and OCD. I’m considering smoking weed to help deal with symptoms, but also realistic. Advice welcome. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Anyone else? am I the only one that is scared to get help because I fear that i dont actually have depression but im just so bad of a human being that I cant handle the stuff everyone else is facing every day. I mean what if im just a lazy fuck that is to weak to handle every day life? That would make me just much more of a burden to others.
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self.depression
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Tired and depressed and hopeless Sometimes I hate my life and myself. I've been so tired lately and unmotivated and my Daylio is all sorts of wonky. I'll be depressed for a few days then mostly ok for like two or three days then back to depressed. I'm so behind in my school work. Like three weeks or more behind in one class. And I sometimes have intrusive thoughts of killing myself and considered it somewhat seriously one day after breaking down last week.
 
I wrote this in my notes.
 
There's like of like a bit of emotional heaviness in my chest. It's an effort just to make myself move sometimes. Walk. I feel like sinking into the ground. Sometimes I don't feel like making myself move my limbs. Too much movement, effort, energy. When it's really bad, so is just opening my mouth to talk.
 
I'm tired a lot of the time. I rarely have motivation and it's a real effort to read for class and do assignments. It's easier to read or watch Netflix but sometimes I don't even feel like doing that. Just sleeping.
 
I can do it or fake it or feel better for a bit but then it eventually goes back down especially when alone and I often feel even worse.
 
Sometimes angry or numb. Easier to cry. I can't think as clearly as usual. There's a fog, minor compared to last year, but there. I have less ideas. I'm less creative. I have nearly no hope for school sometimes
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self.bipolar
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My life is perfect but I can't enjoy it. I hate myself for this.
Everything in my life is perfect, I have a great paying job doing what I used to love doing, working with people that I can tolerate. I have a place to live, and I'm never short of food. But I can never enjoy these things. All of these things that should be making me happy just aren't.
When you're depressed, it doesn't matter how much you have or how good your life is or is supposed to be, you will never enjoy it.
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self.depression
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I finally got on anxiety medication After hearing a few recommendations from both my family and my psychologist. I finally decided to see my treatment coordinator today and recommended that I get on anxiety medications. I was prescribed with Clonidine, and while I did some research on it and reviews for it seems good as far as anxiety treatment is concerned. Though I'll admit I'm concerned that there's a chance where it won't work or may make it worse. But since medication effects vary from person to person, guess I won't know till I try it. Here's hoping it leads to something better!
Edit: grammar tweaking
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self.Anxiety
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Why did I even try So i'm visiting another city with my friends, i knew upfront most of them would be couples and us single folks would be in minority, but what the hell, right? And at first, it went along well but now, two days in and i'm getting that feeling, like two people are making out violently next to you? Yeah, kinda like that. I also overhead someone say "but anon is the only single person here, which i didn't really want spelled out to everyone.
The only thing i'm thinking of right now is this and if maybe there's a bus that leaves for my city soon and jump on it without telling anyone.
So i don't want to do now, other than eat and drink myself to sleep, with the others. I'm not bitching that "waah, give gf now, waah", it's just that I don't like being made fun of for this reason. So what, i'm single, i'm socially inept, and i'm depressed. That's me.
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self.depression
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i think i need help, but i can't. Struggling with depression way to long now already. To be honest, i can't think about getting help. I don't want to talk with some Random Guy or anyone in the first place about my life, what happend and whatever.
So i just sit here, do nothing and my life is literaly crap. I often thought about getting Help, but i know i would not feel comfortable and it would not help at the End. Also because it will only Help if you open yourself. I Can't.
Not sure if someone feels this way too or if someone did feel this way, got Help and it worked out for him making everything a bit better.
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self.depression
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Bipolar sex is awesome! Have been hypomanic lately and started seeing an old booty call again (she's fully aware of my condition) and have been having way better than normal sex. Just curious as to others' experiences, good or bad :)
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self.bipolar
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Struggling Again I've recently had to move abroad for work, and I'm having a bit of a hard time. I struggle sleeping (by that I mean I get a maximum of 2/3 hours per night), and I feel desperately alone. During the day I'm fine, but at night in particular I slip into negative thinking and panic. My partner lives abroad, and although he is very supportive, I still feel an overwhelming sense of worry. I can't even pinpoint what exactly I'm panicking about anymore. My family didn't think I'd last a month working here, so I don't want to give up. At the same time, though, I'm worried that things aren't going to improve, and I'll just end up moving back home. Trying to focus on the positive things in my life, but they're overshadowed by this feeling of dread that I can't get rid of
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self.depression
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Huge relapse- what next? I have recently had a complete relapse in my anxiety and agoraphobia. I’m currently on a break from work because the owner is giving me time to decompress. I’m in a constant state of panic at work, and staying home makes me feel like my safe zone get even smaller. I’m so depressed I don’t even want to get out of bed. But staying in bed causes relentless depression. I feel like I am choosing between never-ending anxiety when I’m gone or intense depression when I’m home. Has anyone ever been here? What do I do?
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self.Anxiety
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Anorexia and me.... Coming to terms with how bad it has gotten. I wish I could say that I wasn't anorexic. I had denied it for so long. It started small and snow balled from there. I wish I could say that a specific event caused it but that would be a lie. My self esteem has never been great. I broke up with the father of my children after 6 years, my middle son suffers from childhood speech apraxia. I wanted some control in my life. I wanted to feel better about myself. It started with buying a waist trainer. I loved how it made me feel like I was in control of how I looked. I started to replace meals with Slimfast. I started drinking more coffee and chewing more gum. I was hungry all the time. Have you ever seen the Snickers commercial about not being yourself when you are hungry? That was me. I was short tempered and just miserable. I was trying to be in a new relationship with a guy, to be honest, hated me. I thought maybe if I was a little skinnier he would want me, for a little while he did. I felt good about being able to buy a small waist trainer. It made me feel like I was in control, in reality I was in control of nothing. I got to my breaking point when I was unable to hold down coffee. I had trained my stomach to be so empty that even coffee didn't want to stay down. I checked myself into a clinic for people with eating disorders. I spent 3 months having my food measured and doors locked after eating. I will be honest. I am not better. I am still wearing my waist trainer. I washed the one I have been using and used one of the first ones I bought and to see how easy it is to use when I could barely get it on is scary. I am still mostly drinking coffee. I am consumed with what I eat. I feel guilty after eating too much. I weigh myself everyday, sometimes several times a day. I feel so alone. I am a happier person. I am on medication. I am more patient with my children and I use my hungry cues and grumpiness to alert myself of when it has been too long to eat. I am a smarter person when it comes to the eating disorder. It feels silly to me. I am an adult, with children. I am not supposed to have an eating disorder. I am obsessed with the reflection in the mirror. I feel like I will never be able to feel comfortable in my own skin.
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self.offmychest
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F/ 25 Dont know what to do with my life During the last two years I've dedicated myself to recovery. I swore to health and fitness so my brain would heal from the damage that was self inflicted. I had been a drug addict for 5 years and I could barely think. I had to re-learn everything. In the meantime I've found myself a partner (we've been together for a year) a car, and I feel like I can function again. For the most part.
The one thing that has yet to disappear is my anxiety. Each time I get a job I become so anxious that I cant sleep at night, and I become depressed. I end up leaving or quitting because it's too much for me to handle.
I dont know where to go from here. I feel as though if I go to college the same thing will happen. I have this phobia of committing to something because I dont want my past depression to flare up again. I want to perhaps volunteer or get involved with an exercise group.. but Im also shy and have trouble meeting new people.
I live in the Bay Area where money is very important and I know I need a career eventually. I just dont know where to start
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self.Anxiety
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I'm not going to kill myself but... My blood pressure is crazy, like 190/130 and has been for the past year. I refuse to take blood pressure meds because life sucks, and life sucks even more on the meds. And people say you can never quit them once you start them? Also, I have constant palpitations/arrhythmia, like at least one per 10-20 seconds. Anyways, life seems to be about people, and people are mostly shit to deal with; work sucks, paying bills sucks. I used to be more depressed but since getting the heart issues I'm actually more positive, if anything to just have a heart attack to look forward to. At least I don't have to worry about pairing up with some stupid/crazy person and have to live out old age? I just hope to live long enough to watch the end of Game of Thrones really.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My best friend died last week, and I've lost two days of work from panic attacks. I lost my last two jobs this way. Help. I lost my first job to daily panic attacks when i was undiagnosed. Through plenty of therapy and medication, i was stable enough to hold down my second, more stressful job for two years, when they shed people monthly.
I've suffered weekly attacks for a while now, somehow managing to stay at this third job after a good cry. It's an easier job, the boss is nice, and the work isnt my dream, but its good enough for now. But now I've had panic attacks daily since I heard the horrible news. My med doc says she's done all she could, isnt adjusting my meds, and says its just up to therapy now. I dont want to lose another job over this, but I feel like there's no work I can do that wont inevitably trigger panic.
I dont know what to do anymore, and I feel like a huge failure. I hate this. I just want to be normal.
Please Help.
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self.Anxiety
|
I had a great morning, but a shitty afternoon. I got up early after a little too little sleep, but did what adults do, toughed it out, took my meds, took a shower, brushed my teeth, drank some coffee, and went to class. It wasn't much, but I felt fucking normal. I haven't felt normal in a long time.
I did well in class, got back around noon and just fucking crashed, both energy wise and emotionally. I've been sleeping, having shitty intrusive thoughts, and doing nothing productive since noon. I can barely eat, and now I'm pretty sure I won't sleep tonight. I mean, what the fuck?
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self.depression
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I don't know how to achieve my goal; makes me wanna die Hi, I'm a 18 years old from Mexico, living in a relatively small town.
So to begin with, I feel completely trapped here, I feel so homesick, like I don't belong here, I'm in what would be my senior year and my grades are just plain bad, mostly because I skipped most of my classes; I can't see the point of going, the educational system is pretty fucked up and not useful at all, at least for my goals. My goal is to realise an album and be able to make a living out of my music, I've been writing music and poetry since I was 13 years old, I always liked various forms of art, but music stuck with me, I've been playing guitar for 4 years recently got my own band, but they don't take it as a project, they just do it for fun. It's not that easy to find committed people here. As you might know rock music isn't that popular in my country therefore my possibilities of getting a record deal are pretty small, and even smaller where I live.
I don't know where to go, what to do, I feel completely trapped, hopeless here that it made get to the point of taking my own life; I just wish I had one opportunity to get out of here.
The people where I live are very narrowed minded and they don't see beyond the illusion the government has made for them, they are like robots; made to obey not to think. I don't wanna end up like them, I'm writing this with tears scrolling down my face, as I see there's too little opportunities to achieve what I want and I probably will end up being another failure, as one of my favorite artists said "It's better to burn out than to fade away."
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self.SuicideWatch
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pathetic.. Idk why I can't stop thinking about my ex he's all I talk about anymore its pathetic. He was the only person I would talk to or hang out with for the past 4 months..my mind is full of useless info about him or things he said. I feel totally lost and alone in the world. Don't know who I am anymore. how do i find out? spend most of my time on the internet..on facebook or my tumblr or watching youtube. hardly leave my house. currently looking for a job..sigh
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self.depression
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I just wanted to say thank you for the support I've received here. Knowing I'm not alone and hearing others' stories has helped me through some Dark Days. I've always been apprehensive to post anything, anywhere. The first sign of someone disagreeing with me, and I feel stupid and embarrassed and delete whatever I've written. I also feel very alone in my Anxiety and Depression. I feel like I'm crazy and that I'm behaving horribly. Seeing posts here, I know that I'm not crazy, I just experience the world differently than most friends and family. Thank you for helping me through my darkest of days. Thank you for keeping me from going over the edge.
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self.Anxiety
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Manic Depression Coming down after trippin’ for so long
Guess seeing straight but the medication’s strong
I stood too tall now I’m cowering in shame
The heart burns bright but the soul outlives the flame
I've been seeking solace in a bottle
Will I never get my fill
Life hits I try to hit back hard but god damn
Why am I boxing with a ton of steel
The answers they said
Are blowing in the wind
Why's the only truth I hear
Steeped in doubt that boils within
The souls of unextraordinary men
Coming home after sinning for too long
The feeling’s here but the motivation’s gone
I step inside mama’s barely hangin’ on
Turns out she loves me better when I'm gone
I pull up the drive and daddy opens his arms
His eyes alight like I’m some prodigal son
But his weight’s too much for me and I’m overcome
Like the fool I am I tuck tail spin-round and run
Now I’m seeking solace in a bottle
But I still can’t drown my fears
Life hits I try to hit back hard but goddamn
I’m fucking tired after thirty years
Cause the answers my friend
Are changing with the wind
While the questiona refrain
Resignations from within
The souls of unextraordinary men
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self.bipolar
|
Had anyone tried shrooms for depression? Did it help? https://tonic.vice.com/en_us/article/59d735/active-ingredient-in-shrooms-could-reset-brains-of-depressed-people?utm_campaign=interest&utm_source=vicefbusads
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self.depression
|
I try, but... Currently at a Christmas party and everyone is happy and engaged. I sit here and want to jump off a cliff as being around others like this really gets to me hard this time of year. I feel as if I am 100 miles away from where I am and noone even notices.
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self.depression
|
It’s currently 5:15am where I live and I cannot sleep. I received bad news yesterday and feel like my world’s been turned upside down. My great-grandmother has been admitted to hospice as her health is beginning to decline. This is the woman that I would consider to be my biggest maternal figure in my whole life to me. I’m truly distraught. It’s causing me to dissociate from reality and fall into a depressive state. I’m lying awake trying to get some rest without any luck. Any tips? I’ve tried getting up for a little bit and even drinking some sleepy time tea on top of taking a klonopin for the butterflies in my belly but I’m still wide awake but tired as heck! Ideas?
|
self.Anxiety
|
3 years post being left by my high school sweetheart- I have to learn to date at 40, and I'm terrified and repelled by the thought. Being left by my husband basically blew my life to bits. The last three years have been saturated with agonizing grief, which has left me with a real fear of relationships and being vulnerable to that kind of pain again. I'm also deeply cynical about men and their motivations and loyalty level and I don't trust any of them to accept me for who
I am- the person I loved most eventually decided I wasn't worth having around, and I don't want to risk that happening again.
OTOH I'm very lonely. 3 years is a long time to be alone, and I don't want to be alone for the rest of my life. I'm not especially attractive, but men don't find me repulsive. I have friends, so I'm reasonably likable. But when I think about actually dating someone I feel confused and afraid. The thought of being with another man still seems so foreign, almost impossible. Right now I feel like I need to just go pick up some drunk at a bar and get it over with- join this wonderful 'meaningless sex with strangers' club I've been hearing about. I don't know what to do- I want to move on but I'm so burned by my experience that a happy partnership for me seems hopeless. And I've done PLENTY of therapy, both before and after my breakup. It hasn't helped with this particular issue.
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self.offmychest
|
Language barrier makes it difficult for me to explain Short background story. Me and my husband are not from the same country so we speak English together (neither of us are native English speakers). For me depression has been a problem for the last 10 years on/off, for him the whole concept of depression is rather new. The problem is he really wants to understand but I lack the words to make it understandable for him.
More specifically understanding why I can't just go out with a couple hours notice. The most recent incident being that he called me today and asked me if I wanted to go to the cinema later today. I would love to go to the cinema with him, but I need at least one day to prepare myself mentally to go out like that (I'm sure I don't have to explain myself here). He doesn't understand that, and no matter how I try to explain it, it just doesn't stick. I know that he wants to understand, so it must be my way of explaining things that is wrong.
So what I'm asking of you guys is to help me find the words. How would you describe it in a more understandable way?
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self.depression
|
a rough patch There are a lot of things I’m feeling right now and have nowhere to turn. I’m not usually the type of person who vents to strangers or feel trapped within my emotions but I don’t have a source of emotional support at the moment and I’m not exaggerating when I say this is one of the most traumatic and hardest periods in my life. In fact, I’d mark it as the first time I’ve felt completely out of control and distraught to the point I’ve thought about self harming again like I used to.
I’m struggling with coming out of a two year long abusive relationship. I’m 19 years old, going on 20 in a few weeks. I’ve been in this situation since high school and have made multiple attempts to break free of this relationship. Friends even tried to interfere, once even going as far as having an intervention for me with our high school counselor. I always felt I wasn’t strong enough to leave even after very extreme attempts at breaking it off, we always somehow ended up back together again. Sometimes, I’d even go as far as telling other people and he would threaten me and tell me to cut off the people I’d vent to. This kind of insane behavior was what had taken place the first half of our relationship. I’ll spare the details for my own sake but it was pretty ugly.
It felt like, after a year or so, he had me wrapped around his finger completely. I even started to feel intense sympathy for him (a little background: he had a lot of stories and trauma from his childhood and mental health issues that I really doubted and still doubt a lot of to this day and he would often use this as an excuse for his actions). I think I was even coming to NEED him, depend on him.. I loved him and cared for him, this much was appertent even from the start.
I went off to college and we didn’t talk as much, didn’t see each other as much. We were really falling out and I was getting stronger and more mature by being on my own. I went to stay with him at his place and celebrate Christmas with him and his family. They bought me a lot of stuff and I think we had a decent time together. Clearly, breaking up was something I’d always wanted to do. I became more reluctant the second year of our dating and pushed it off but became sure I was prepared for the break up before 2018. I thought 2018 could be a year of something new. I even had someone I really liked supporting me through it all and we are now developing a relationship.
I dumped him before 2018, cold turkey, before getting to spend some time with the person mentioned before. I thought dumping him while with someone I felt safe with would help but now that the person is gone, I’m at a loss. I feel completely alone and even went to check my exes social media.
I’m having insane thoughts about being without him. He’s doing really well and it brought me to tears because I’m so proud of him and genuinely happy because he probably needed the break up too, to help him grow as a person but I still felt.. sad. I’m sad that I’m alone, most of my friends having gave up on me because of this relationship long ago, and the one person who is supporting me works often. I feel scared and like I ruined something perfect even though I know that’s not the case and just his words in my head still. I don’t know what to do. I think I’m losing my mind.
|
self.depression
|
I realized how my ex girlfriend felt in the months before we broke up today A bit under 3 years ago I started dating one of my best friends. We were in high school at the time, and had already decided where we were going to college. I was staying within a few hours of home while she was going to school about 9 hours away. While it was hard, we stayed together for the first year she was at school. Her school had a coop program, meaning the fall of her sophomore year she would be doing an internship. She wound up getting an internship near our hometown so she was here for a semester after summer ended. We broke up about a year ago after dating for just shy of 2 years.
After we broke up, she told me that in the months after the school year starting (and her other high school friends moving back to school) she felt emotionally isolated from me, her other friends, and anyone else her age. At the time I didn’t really think much of it and blamed her because I had tried to include her in my group of friends from school but she didn’t seem interested.
Fast forward a few months after our breakup and I have once again started dating a close friend. We’ve been together for around 8 months at this point. She goes to school around 2 hours away so if I’m lucky I'll see her once a week. Better than 9 hours away and seeing her once every other month. My other close friends are all gone for various reasons. Some changed schools, some have internships out of town, one moved back in with their parents. Regardless of the reason I feel completely emotionally isolated from all of them. I think one of my more distant friends has picked up on this and has been doing a lot to include me in their other friend groups, but I just can’t. They’ll invite me to parties or bars and Ill see all these people hanging out with their closest friends and I always feel like an outsider and realize I used to have that but don’t anymore. Its not that I’m not interested in making new friends, it’s that seeing how people who have been friends for the last few years interact makes me miss being with my friends more than normal so I just avoid it. I finally understand how my ex felt because it’s exactly how I feel now.
Anyways, I’m posting here because I’m now dating the person I used to talk to about this kind of stuff and they’re in the middle of exams. They’ve felt distant for the last month anyways so I don’t think I’d go to them regardless. You’d think at some point I would realize dating your friends is a bad idea, but apparently I just enjoy hurting/being hurt by the people I’ve been closest to. We’re probably going to break up soon, making this the 3rd friend I’ve lost because we started dating (one came back into my life a few years later but that’s a whole other thing). My ex and I were good friends before we started dating, and the only conversation we’ve had in the last 8 months was me asking if she still had something of mind. She’ll be home for the holiday, and part of me wants to see if she’s free to get coffee so I can apologize. Part of me also feels like it’s a terrible idea so realistically I’m not going to do it and then kick myself for a few months because of who I am as a person.
|
self.offmychest
|
I would hide behind trees when I was young My entire life I have had friends that would come and go. At one point when I was in middle school, I remember having no friends/no one hangout with during recess. When you're young you don't want to get bullied for being alone so I would go hide behind a big tree so no one would see me. I would do this to make time pass. Then when another kid would come by, I'd go find somewhere else to hide, usually the bathroom. Life really sucked and still does because of my social anxiety.
My social anxiety always got the best of me and will continue to for as long as I know.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Plans all set but can't find the courage to do it. No need for description really. I've suffered from depression since i was a child. At 17-19 i went thru a bad relationship with a girl who was out of my league an she knew it. She constantly shit on me an treated me like crap.
Fast forward 12 years I'm married but separated as if 1 month ago. All of it is due to me not being emotionally there an not showing appreciation to my wife. I end up have anxiety/panic attacks start 4 years ago.
All of this piles into me having zero self worth or self esteem. This last month has pushed me into a very dark hole i have been mildly suicidal before in my early 20s. But this time is worse I've actually made a plan purchased needed items an have the area set up but lacking the courage.
I can not live without my wife but at the same time i hate holding her back. I've voiced my thoughts of wanting to die an she only says things like "you better not harm yourself at all." Or "I'll never forgive you!" I know i hurt her but when I'm in my depression stage I'm like a zombie in the world i don't notice stuff or signs. I've told her i take all the blame but i want her to talk to me an to try to work this out but she has zero interest in fixing it. I
I've lasted this last month on shear willpower hoping i could fix it. Few weeks back she tells me shes 100% done. An i honestly blocked it out for a few days then had a massive breakdown. Since then I've just wanted to die everyday to the point that I've wrote my letter an gathered needed materials.
I know we are told not to be descriptive but i have to say my plan.
My plan is to mix a few sleeping aides in excessive amount wait till i start to get tired then get in place[a tree in my backyard] an send out my letter on social media. Then just wait till i pass out an hang myself.
I guess im writing this just to really say it instead of just thinking about it. So there it is. Maybe ill stick around to talk but who knows my emotions have been swinging so yeah...
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I Want To Go Somewhere And Do Something But Have Nowhere To Go I can't stay at home for another second. I'm going to lose my fucking mind. I can't think of any place to go to. And the social anxiety doesn't help.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I feel like in order to be a functioning adult in this society, I'll have to play a character. I'll have to do and say what is expected of me. And this is why I'll never have real friends because then I'd always be living in fear of being exposed for the rest of my life. I'd have to live a lie. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I don't exist. I've never had anything in life. I've never had any struggles or any happiness. I've never won or lost. I've never had ups or downs. My whole life is just one long flat line. I obviously don't have depression, but I can't stop thinking about death. Being alive is just dull. I've never had a real friend or a relationship. I've never had to worry about anything. I'm just inert.
|
self.offmychest
|
I think I'm just unhappy And I don't see how I could ever be happy. It doesn't matter what I do, what decisions I take. Things should be fine (perhaps even great) but this thing keeps coming back and I just feel empty and uninterested and so so bad I find it hard to wake up, I find it hard to leave the bed, have conversations.
I wish I could just be open about this to everybody but the only person I trust doesn't even care and also I'm angry all the time.
And the idea of what I'll make of my life... I don't know. I don't see how I could stay motivated/disciplined to study, work and be passionate about things for longer than 6 months.
I'm really ashamed about that because I see my friends making art, talking about projects, goals and things and I don't even feel like opening my mouth to speak or even pay attention to a movie. It is as if I was dead already.
|
self.depression
|
My generic lamotrigine is very pointy. I'm just starting it, what am I in for? Pdoc decided we should taper off sertraline and on to lamotrigine. I know all about "the rash" and the typical side effects..
Whats it like when it works?
|
self.bipolar
|
Dealing with sounds Hi All,
I was wondering if anyone else gets anxious from external sounds i.e. hearing people outside when you want it to be quiet etc?
Basically I feel like I’ve had this problem since I moved out of home 12 years ago. Our first apartment was old with thin walls so we constantly heard our neighbours talking, which made me feel anxious, it was like I would take it personally, or worry that if it got to the point I had to say something (loud party etc) that I wouldn’t be able to.
After 5 years my now wife and I moved to a much nicer apartment, at first everything was pretty great but I still felt like I would tune into outside noises and worry about them, meanwhile my wife didn’t hear them, or did and just moved on. It got worse when our neighbour started having pipe problems, we could hear them whooshing, water hammering and after a while screeching. For ages I stressed about this and I would be anxious just waiting for it to happen. After a while it stopped annoying me so much but I think that’s because other things stressed me out.
Fast forward to today, we’ve just bought a house, our kids finally have space to play and I am away from sharing walls with neighbours, I thought for the most part I was going to be able to relax.. however.. there is a small row of shops across the road, one of which is a restaurant. When we were buying the house this was a quiet little place that seemed to barely ever be open, despite being there for as long as I’ve known the area. It has now been replaced by a popular restaurant that is usually pretty busy.
Once again, my wife doesn’t seem too concerned, she seems happy that it’s a nice place across the road. I however am in a constant state of high alert. There are some tables outside and if I hear someone laugh my heart races, I’m not enjoying what I want to watch on TV because I don’t want to sit in silence scrolling through Netflix, because then I hear more from the restaurant. Probably the regular noisiest thing is when they pack up plates, cutlery, glasses and the cling of that in the night sky just travels across to us.
Now.. feel stupid for buying across the road from a restaurant given my history. My defence for this being that nothing was open during the time we were viewing and negotiating. The house is so perfect for my family that I thought I had to be strong and not let my fears get in the way of purchasing our dream house. It always seemed so nice and quiet inside that I really didn’t think I’d hear much and given how quiet the old restaurant always was, I didn’t have a reference.
The restaurant is only open between 5:30pm - 10pm Mon - Sat. So it’s only an issue for a brief period and is generally closed before I go to bed.
My problem seems to be that my mind is outside, at the restaurant, I feel exposed. I feel like I should be able to sit in peace at night and not hear noises from this and I’ve made a mistake. It’s a horrible feeling because I feel like I can’t be comfortable in my own home.
We are looking at sound proofing options for the windows, as they are quite old wooden windows but it will be sometime before we can do that. So I’m in a situation now that I can’t get away from and I know it is me that needs to change. Even if we sound proof and I no longer hear the restaurant, I know something else will take its place.. that’s my cycle.
I have been doing meditation over the past week, hoping that will help in focussing my attention and reducing my general anxiety..
Has anyone dealt / dealing with something similar, anyone had success with getting through it?
**tl;dr**** noise from restaurant across the road makes me super anxious and I want to know if anyone else has similar issues and how to deal!
|
self.Anxiety
|
scared The thought alone of just telling my parents i have depression makes me want to kill myself. I know they wont take it well. i know they will say some bullshit, or mean shit and make it worse. i tried to tell my mom i had depression when i was younger, she just thought it was a phase. she thinks if there is nothing wrong in your life, you shouldnt have depression. it just scares the hell out of me that they are going to make it worse and im going to end up taking my life.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I can't relax knowing my dad will die at any moment [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Wired I've been diagnosed with phobic anxiety disorder and OCD as well as depression. I have a long term health problem that has caused it all. Last night I had a bit of a weird sensation that hasn't left and, tbh, I feel horrendous. Before getting into bed I had this feeling completely out of the blue of feeling restless like I had to run or do something. I took sleeping tablets but kept waking up every 30 mins and barely slept. I feel almost on high alert or like I'm stuck in some sort of agitation like I'm waiting for something bad to happen. Anyone else experience this?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Ten years ago today... What's good homie? It's me... I mean it's YOU. I'm basically talking to myself here. But for you, it's November 3, 2007... exactly ten years later from where you are right now. You won't actually see this, but I'm hoping you, and all your hopes and dreams for the future, can come back to me. Because I really need you right now.
So why today, of all days? Because... and you knew this was gonna happen... but Nana died. You won't find out for another three days when you read the obituaries online. Fucking pathetic way to find out, huh? This woman took you in and raised you and your sister as her own (grand)kids, and you won't so much as see a picture of her ever again. But she will visit you in your dreams, where you once again find yourself in your childhood "home" surrounded by all the love and comfort that you won't really find again. You'll be lucky. Not cause it's gone, but that you had it in the first place.
I know you had a rough week in the hospital, staying overnight for the first time (the only time you'll ever do that again is in a psych ward!) But the Red Sox won the World Series for the second time (spoiler alert: they win again in 2013! You'll be working an overnight shift at Target when that happens.) Your roommate is an asshole. It'll take you two room switches before you end up with a decent one. And that guy will smoke pot all day and eat peanuts and throw the shells all over the floor. But you take what you can get, I guess.
You're on your own now, my dude. And I hate to tell you this, but it's gonna get a hell of a lot harder.
In just a few months, you'll start researching bipolar disorder. You definitely thought you had that at some point, right? It'll be another several years before you're formally diagnosed with it, but you'll be living it hardcore. You know how with Celexa and Lexapro you didn't get better, you got louder and weirder and dumber? That's why.
You're not going to have an easy time with psychiatrists, so you'll experiment with a bunch of drugs... not all of which will be from doctors. Oh yeah, future you is a huge fucking stoner. He also chain smokes cigarettes, but just switched to vaping (oh you don't know what that is yet, right? Yeah, you'll find out.) Eventually, Wellbutrin and Lamictal will work well. Klonopin too, but there's a high risk for addiction (you're going to learn is a thing from peanut-eating future roommate.)
Now, for some good news. The college you want to transfer to? You got in. You did pretty well for a while. You struggled to make friends at first. Not just cause you're... WE'RE... kinda weird, but you weren't rich like these kids were. Eventually you'll find your crew. Yeah, my dude, future Reaper has an actual REAL LIFE FRIEND GROUP. Dudes from all over the world. You'll meet some locals, too, who you'll also become friends with. These guys will teach you a lot - specifically that you don't need to have a college degree to have a fulfilling life. They'll help you "find yourself", as they say.
But here's where I'm warning you. You'll fuck up a lot in school. You'll do a few too many drugs. You'll get in with some fucked up people. Several of your friends will be arrested. A few of them will end up being heroin addicts (that's the one drug you won't do.) A few of them will serve time in prison. You'll come one class away from graduating, and run out of money. You'll fall into depression, then go back into mania when you think you've figured it out again. And you'll look at her, the woman who gave birth to you, and start to notice some of the same things...
She's dead now. She finally drank herself to death. You knew it was coming, right?
They didn't divorce like you thought they would. But long gone is the comfortable middle class status you grew up with. She blew through all her money. You were right all along - she was trying to take advantage of you. But you shouldn't have cared so much, because just because you're diagnosed with a mental disorder... doesn't mean you'll have to be dependent on the government for the rest of your life. It doesn't mean you can't do this or that. Sure some things might be a bit harder for you, but you'll get to do a lot of things most people don't get to do.
So what HAVE you done? You've interviewed some famous musicians for your college newspaper. You somehow managed an entire semester in college while you were technically homeless. You've made friends with the local music scene (and lived with) a semi-famous band. Fuck, you even had a stint as a commercial fisherman with Cousin (spoiler: he's even creepier than you already think.) Oh, and you have six tattoos now, including a full sleeve. Didn't expect THAT one, did you?
So yeah, Lil Reaper, I'm writing to you today because this was the *real* day you became an orphan. And so much of your sadness will stem from the fact that no one will love you like that woman did. Not your parents. Not your sisters. Not your extended family. No girl you ever try to date (don't even ask about that...) No one from your hometown. Yeah, your hometown, this semi-idyllic 1950s neighborhood of Split Levels and Cape Cods, where you could always run a few streets away to her house when things got bad. Then grandma's about a mile down the road, where your mother's family carried 60+ years of alcoholism and general dysfunction. So you're leaving all the shit behind. You will spend this day ten years from now throwing away everything in the house as your dad prepares to move into a guest room at the house that belonged to HIS mother, nearly half an hour from here. And you go... somewhere. Yeah homie, you're finally on your own.
I'll tell you, though. Wherever I (we) go, I still have hope. We're losing everything right now, so you might think I'm delusional. But those external measures of success that you're so obsessed with... those things you thought you had to accomplish to be "worthwhile"... you'll realize how little they actually matter once they basically disappear. Your place in society will completely change. Yet you'll find a life that's so much simpler and... happiness will just be so much simpler. And someone will find you, and learn to love you (as you are, NOT the way they want you to be.) I mean, I still haven't found her yet... but I know we will.
Much love lil bro,
~Reaper O'Souls, 11/3/2017
(Oh and just so you know, Soulja Boy ended up being a one-hit wonder. Thank fucking god.)
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self.bipolar
|
Public assistance isn't just ~free money. What a lot of people who have never needed to ask for this kind of help don't seem to realize is that the process isn't simply filling out an application and waiting for the monthly check to roll in. As it turns out, there are quite a few strings attached.
This isn't necessarily a bad thing. At least in my case, those strings pulled me along until I suddenly found myself in a new place entirely.
For a little backstory, I've suffered from extreme depression since I was all of thirteen years old. My home life growing up was a complete nightmare. My father is a verbally and emotionally abusive drunk, and my mother is an enabler who has never hesitated to take out her own share of the abuse out on me. To give just a taste, a close friend of mine died when I was seventeen. The day of finding out, still a complete mess, my very drunk father demanded that I 'stop fucking crying over a piece of shit' and that I help him access internet porn. When I was not amenable to this, he screamed a lot of horrible things at me. It ended with an offer to buy me a gun to kill myself with if I was 'that sad'. My mother somehow slept through this despite the fact that it ended with him screaming at the top of this lungs and throwing the laptop across the room. In the morning I was told that I just misunderstood what he was saying.
Things like that have left...some marks. Unfortunately, I spent years justifying my own bullshit with how terribly I was treated. I'm too damaged. Who needs to try in school? I'm too stupid to do anything. Just smoke a little more, have another drink. What the fuck does it matter? I floated around for years like that, occasionally living off others, occasionally working bringing home small paychecks from minimum wage jobs I wouldn't hold for long.
Here's the part where I start to get to the point. Finally. Someone suggested that I apply for SNAP 'just to see what you can get'. So I did. The answer is 195 dollars a month of food assistance for the unemployed. Guess what though? Unless you have small children or you can order off the seniors menu, there are requirements you have to fulfill to keep receiving assistance. Even that has a very short shelf life. (And I'm sure that those people have have plenty of strings too)
I was required to go to 'Job Club' every Wednesday morning. This class that I highly resented at first, is actually very helpful. They offer job leads. They teach you how to properly write a resume. They work with people on interviewing skills. You're also assigned a counselor to work with who you form a bit of relationship with. In full bullshitting mode, I had written down a desire for post-secondary schooling on one the many forms I had to fill out. Nearing the middle of me aimlessly clicking around hiring websites to keep face, my counselor pulled me aside and gave me a flyer for a training program that they sponsored. Not quite college, but I said I wanted to learn something right? What I heard was it was a great way to extend the months I would receive money without having to go to fucking job club.
So I did it. The training itself is nothing impressive. I'm now certified in Microsoft Word and Excel. It's hardly a degree, but it was fairly in depth. More than enough than for an entry-level office job. Even better yet, they offered internships to learn other skills. A paid one at that because I chose to disclose my mental illness.
By the end of my internship, I was hired at a 14 dollar an hour office job. A little over a year ago this would be unimaginable to me.
**TL;DR: I guess after all of that is that you don't just get free money. If you work with the agencies, there are a lot of opportunities out there. That is often their entire point. It's not to let people linger in poverty with government money to keep them alive. Sometimes they can help someone build a whole new life. For the people that can't take said opportunities, as I said, there are always strings. Shit isn''t free for them either.**
|
self.offmychest
|
Today is the first day that I didn't tell myself to commit suicide For the past several months, maybe even year, not a day has gone by where I haven't said "kill yourself already" or some variant thereof out loud. I've screamed it in private and mumbled it quietly in public. Sometimes it's been accompanied by serious suicidal thoughts, sometimes it's just been out of frustration triggered by my depression, or regret about things I've done in the past. Whether it's been states d flippantly or not, constantly voicing these words to myself has not helped my already poor mental health. Today I've gone a whole day reversing this habit by saying "love yourself" or "I love you" whenever this urge floats up. I hope this strategy can help anyone struggling with similar symptoms of depression, because it's made me feel less severe and intensely self-loathing all day. I still have a long way to go but I hope keeping negative self-talk out will help me get out of this darkness a little
|
self.depression
|
[Trigger Warning Suicide] - Why is it a bad thing? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
How do I just accept and move on that I am a braindead failure? No sugarcoating, I'm literally a braindead failure at life. Don't give me those "oh, you have so much potential" because I don't. I just want honest answer on how to accept this and hopefully move on with my life.
|
self.depression
|
$1,100 for Latuda I was diagnosed with bipolar 20 years ago. I just started back on Latuda after a major depressive episode. It has worked for me in the past but I stopped because I was out of work and it cost too much. Fast forward to now, I'm employed and at risk of losing my job due to memory loss as I also take Lamictal too. I have health insurance with a high deductible. The insurance wants me to pay $1,100 for a 30 day prescription to cover my deductible. So I have a choice: find a way to pay for it or forgo it and land myself back to a depressive state and further risk losing my job. It's ridiculous.
|
self.bipolar
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Do bipolar I folks attract codependent people? I have no idea if there's even a single connection, but I'm trying to get down to the root of why I have attracted so many emotionally codependent people in my life either as friends or lovers.
I specify Bipolar I, because that's my type, but also because the "cocky" and grandiosity present in mania may be similar enough to narcissism (theory?), and there are mounds and mounds of research on narcissistic-codependent relationships. I also think my manic delusions when I was too young to even recognize had me feeling a lot more powerful and tougher emotionally and responsible for the world, so accepting and coddling all these codependent personalities was done out of love and heroism.
I had a "hero complex." I had a boundary-less empathy problem. I spread myself thin, in high school!, handling everyone else's problems, spent hours on the phone with crying and distraught peers and adults, I carried the weight of others so that I could really feel it and give empathetic advice or just listen and understand. I placed everyone before me, and after awhile I imploded and was shut out of my emotions and feelings until I recovered.
Because of these experiences, and feeling the dead weight of people relying on me from everything from sense of security to self confidence to life motivation to emotional labor (etc), I specifically try to avoid these people. I have claimed boundaries and no longer feel guilty for enforcing them. I also have decided that at 24, I'm no longer interested in dating someone who I have to help get their shit together, but rather looking for someone who can match me where I'm and who I can support continued growth. And fortunately I do have her.
Do any of you struggle with codependent partners or friends? Understand what I'm saying? Have a theory?
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self.bipolar
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Day long panic attack? Warning word vomit. I feel like all my nerves have been standing on end all day. I have felt my fight or flight instinct kicking in all day. I can’t settle down. I want to cry because I can’t relax even for a second.
I wish my body could relax for just a second.
I guess I just need some reassurance or anecdotes or to hear from someone.
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self.Anxiety
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Why does this happen For some strange reason I will randomly get angry out of nowhere, I always want to hurt (and in some cases even kill) people around me. After all the anger I will end up just being really depressed, this happens for no reason at all. Why does this happen? I think it might have something to do with anxiety. Should I see a therapist or something
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self.Anxiety
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Trigger-Mention of Rape-Feeling suffocated Hey guys.
Don’t really know why I’m writing on here. I’m more of the bottle it up kind of person. But I think I just need to...talk.
I think the thing about rape is that some people thing eventually the pain goes away. I hate the term survivor, always have and always will. I think that’s because survivor means you’ve dealt with it. You’ve won. You’ve overcome it and it no longer affects you. When the reality is that it affects me all the time.
It happened when I was six years old. My mother had told me it only happened for one year. Eventually I turned the house up one day in search for answers and found documents that said he raped me for several years. To quote him “There isn’t a day I can recall that I didn’t rape her.”.
Now my mind blocked most of it out. But that in no way makes it better. It in no way means that I don’t deal with the consequences of it. All my relationships have failed because I refuse sex with them. It just freaks me out. It’s like giving up control.
I’m still living with my mother now. I tried to tell her one day that I wanted a restraining order against my step-brother and she couldn’t believe it. Wanted to know why. When I finally spoke up for once and simply said that I was doing it for me, she rolled her eyes, said whatever and left the room and never spoke again for the rest of the night. In her eyes, I believe she doesn’t see that he’s done anything wrong. She’s kept what he did a secret from my two younger siblings because she doesn’t want it to affect their relationship with him. She always brings him around despite my pleas not to.
With the strained relationship, I broke down to my dad one night and asked if he supported me...because I needed to know someone did. Thankfully he did and understood. But also let it slip that my other older brother had raped me as well....something I was unaware of and can’t recall. My dad lives too far out to really move to his and with this new news....it’s just too much to process.
Now I just feel like I’m suffocating. I can’t talk to anyone because I’m wanting to be a Teacher after University and nobody will hire a depressed teacher compared to a normal one. I just...don’t really want to be here anymore. I want to cry, and scream, and throw plates against a wall until it finally makes me breakdown more. But most of all, I just don’t want to do it anymore. It’s suffocating. I don’t see a way out of this. I can’t get a restraining order. I can’t leave home as I don’t earn enough...I just...can’t see a light. I’d rather end the pain then continue to fight a loosing battle....Nobody will ever love me. I’ll never be free of my brothers. I can’t have a normal family....I just...want to end it really.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm a terrible girlfriend Never posted before so please tell me if I'm formatting wrong or something. Advice is really appreciated, especially if anyone has a similar experience?
I love my boyfriend a lot, but I'm just a terrible girlfriend. I've been thinking about one of his friends. Just putting it into words makes me disgusted with myself, but I can't help the thoughts. I know he cares for me, but I feel so alone sometimes? I'm not going to lie, I like attention, it makes me feel a bit more secure, and combats the anxiety I feel in this relationship. He just isn't great at giving that much attention, and I get jealous when he talks to other girls (hypocrisy to the max, I talk to a lot of other guys because I'm terrified of girls).
He has this friend who's a lot more active and loud in conversation than him, lets call him J. J is pretty attractive, and he talks to me relatively frequently. He recommended books to me when I mentioned I hadn't been finding anything interesting, and we talk while I'm waiting for my boyfriend. He gets my anxiety pretty well, and I've had problems feeling genuine with people, he told me I "seem pretty genuine" around him. More than anything, I like that I have someone who seems to want to be around me.
I'm not going to leave my boyfriend for J, I just want to vent about this. I had a dream about J a few nights ago, and I felt terrible when I woke up, like I had cheated on my boyfriend. I can't really ask more of my boyfriend, he does the best he can and I know he's got some stuff still bothering him from past relationships, but just being friends with J is bothering me a lot. I've daydreamed about J, and I hate myself so much for it. If I'm at a group thing, I can't stop flicking my eyes at the door until J turns up, and I am disappointed if he's a no show.
What should I do to get over this? I know its just a little crush like thing, but it's been getting worse and I feel so awful about it, I want it to stop. I just want to be content with my boyfriend, and I don't want these thoughts sitting at the back of my mind all the time. This is really super pathetic and sorry for wasting your time, any advice is really appreciated.
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self.offmychest
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Just another person facing depression, here's my story Hello, I'm not normally a long format writer but I have been wanting to contribute to this subreddit for a while now to gather outside thoughts on my condition.
I'm a 25 year old gay male who has been married for a year and a half. My spouse also suffers from mental health symptoms, so we support each other pretty well when we're battling symptoms. I have suffered from symptoms of depression for most of my life, and have had some therapy here and there, only recently have been doing heavy treatment within this past year. I have attempted suicide in my teens but only have been getting the thoughts of doing so more recently. There are days where I am completely fine, whereas there are days where I can't seem to stop crying and lay in my bed for most of the day sulking and not wanting to go outside or interact with anyone including my husband. I wish I could just pass away and not have to suffer any longer but I think about the people who are close to me and that prevents myself from doing so. I find this to be extremely frustrating because I feel like there's no escape. I have a well paying job that is fairly flexible, but it does not fall within the line of work that I would like to be doing, so I feel like I'm just being used and not here to enjoy my life. During my free time I try to enjoy my self by doing activities that usually give me a sense of enjoyment, but since they are usually non-professional I feel like those are a waste of my time.
I feel as if my childhood was wasted due to my social awkwardness and lack of interest in schoolwork. I'm realizing now in my life that I should not have cared what other people thought of me and actually paid attention more in school, maybe then I would be better off, I will never know though. I have a degree in graphic design which I thought would be a good career path for me but after graduating I have found myself being rejected from 20+ interviews for GD positions due to a "lack of experience". I often sulk on the idea that I'm never going to get where I want to be because there will always be someone better.
I am currently taking 300mg of Welbutrin and 225mg of Effexor daily in the AM. I can't tell if it has been doing anything nor do I enjoy the fact that I have to take them, it makes me feel like a sub-par human. I know this is a normal feeling among people who have to take medications for their health so I am just another blade of grass in the field, and this just adds to my feelings of insignificance. On top of the medication I have been seeing a therapist for about a year now weekly as well as a psychiatrist every two weeks or so. I feel as though they have not really been helping and it's a pain to have to visit them so often. I have been reading books on depression to try and get a sense of what I can do to cope with it but I haven't found anything that has worked yet.
I also suffer from body image issues and trying to fit myself into unrealistic body standards in order to feel attractive. I am about average in size and weight. I constantly think about the consequences of what I'm going to eat before eating and if I'm eating something considered healthy I don't enjoy it, but when it's unhealthy I only enjoy the taste and then I feel immensely guilty afterwards. So eating stresses me out all the time and when I avoid it it just makes me feel worse because when my blood sugar is low I get irritable and sad.
I don't have a sense of self either like I'm walking in someone else's shoes and don't have an identity of my own.
At every milestone I have reached in my life I've expected myself to become happier but I just continue to feel the same. I really don't know how I'm ever going to enjoy living, but I continue to do it because of my husband and family.
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self.depression
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How do you guys face and conquer your fears while having anxiety? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Someone took my meds 20f bipolar 1//maybe schizoaffective but fuck whoever wrote that..
Somewhere in the process of picking up my meds last month (Seroquel, Straterra, & Visteril) they were replaced with Placebos. Couldve been the doctor prescribing, or the pharmacy trying to fuck with me, or maybe its my mother who doesnt believe in meds and constantly tells me bipolar is just the ups and downs of life.
I cant keep up with myself and i just kinda wanted to rant. Talking to people seems so pointless b/c they dont get it and it slows me down. I cant even find the right words if i wanna talk. I havent been sleeping all that much cuz ive been teaching myself neuroscience. But i feel good overall. I feel really smart. Like i already am an expert in brains and this is all review. I guess my main concern is hallucinations coming back. Mainly visual but i had auditory for the first time. I got really really paranoid. And still am every little noise or thing i see scares the shit outta me now. And yet i know that i can find out something countless dr’s have missed. This was my first clue that my meds were placebos. I stopped taking them. Then my journey of trying to learn enough to fix myself began. Now its a month later and i see my shrink in 2 days. What do i say?? Accuse him of tricking me? Tell him i know more than him in the month of neuroscience that ive done so give me the meds I think will help?? Or do i say fuck it and just study for the mcat so i can prescribe myself what i know works. Become the doctor i know i am inside.
I feel on top of the world but i feel like someone is fucking with my recovery. I will not take fucking placebos like the research monkey big pharma makes me out to be. Help. The last thing i wanna be is depressed again
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self.bipolar
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I have GAD(+ health anxiety) and am unable to use medication [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Anxiety fucking sucks Ever since I was a kid, I've always had extremely irrational thoughts that caused me immense fear. When I was 10, I was convinced my heart would stop beating, even though I was always healthy.
These obsessive thoughts caused me immense anxiety. They made it difficult for me to focus and study. They made it difficult for me to go out with friends. That caused me depression.
It feels like a constant feeling of tension in your body. Constant questioning. Constant uncertainty.
And the worst part is that you don't realize how severely it hurts, how severely it limits your life, and how severely it takes joy out of your existence until you finally get rid of it.
Living without anxiety and depression is so different. It feels like you're a happy child again. But when you live with anxiety or depression for so many years, you forget how life is suppose to feel like.
Anxiety is often a subtle feeling too but immense in the amount of emotional pain it causes. That's one of the worst parts. If a person has cancer or leukemia, they're aware that it's a big problem but if a person has anxiety, they are often forced to question their own anxiety and ask themselves whether it's a big deal (which it is) or just their own made up fears.
I hope anyone who has anxiety finds complete freedom from it soon. It suddenly went away from me one day because I realized that my obsessive thoughts, which were wholly irrational, were largely controlling my life and from that moment on I feel so much freer, lighter, and happier.
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self.Anxiety
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I feel worthless I dont know how to explain how I feel. I live in foster care. I don't live with my family anymore and that has made me realize how much I didn't interact with them. I would just stay in my room and barely come out after school. Not that there was anything to do but sit on the couch if I did come out. We rarely if ever ate dinner together. My younger brother was always mean towards me. He got brainwashed by my dad and he now has sociopathic tendencies even though he is only 13. He is pretty much our dads favorite child. He still lives with my parents. My mom is a really nice person but she has some diagnosed mental illnesses. My dad would yell at my sister and I for meaningless or inconsequential things. He would also hit me sometimes. He got really bad after his dad died 3 years ago. My sister and I ran away about a year ago after we called the police on him and we've been in foster care since then.
I haven't been thinking about my family much at all and I'm not sure why. At my foster home I've started staying in my room to avoid the other kids here because they're A holes. I feel hopeless pretty often. Especially at night. I like to listen to music as an escape but sometimes I feel like I don't to deserve to feel the way that it makes me feel. I'm pretty unmotivated to do anything. I don't even have the motivation to play a video game or watch a movie. I would rather just sleep or stay in my bed and read webtoon and watch YouTube. At night I feel worthless and like I'm just a waste. Sometimes I just lay there and cry about nothing. I have a therapist but I haven't talked to her about any of this. I mainly only feel like this well I'm at my foster home, bit sometimes it carries with me. I'm like a different person when I'm at school and I'm with my friends. I like to think that I would be doing better if I didn't live here anymore, but my caseworker won't switch me homes. I'm not suicidal, I wouldn't kill myself but if I were to somehow die that would be nice.
Sorry for typos, I'm on mobile.
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self.offmychest
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How do I... Deal? Hi everyone,
This may be a little rambling and longish, but thank you if you read it.
Bipolar 2 sufferer here. I've been in treatment for bipolar for two and a half years, but I've had it for more than fourteen. I recently got out of a long term relationship that was emotionally abusive and toxic. My bipolar shielded me from the initial few weeks by giving me an intense hypomania, which is now starting to wear off.
My ex would frequently do things to provoke me and then blame my mental illness, convincing me that I was utterly crazy and that I was totally out of control and incurable. Hypomania convinced me that I was fine and invincible for a bit and now I'm swinging back the other way.
This is not the first person to emotionally abuse me and take advantage of me, and I'm sure it won't be the last, but I'm devastated that it has happened again. I feel so angry and so afraid for my future.
Just... Where do you even start when your life is already governed by a severe mental illness, and you're very heart and your soul hurts? How do you get past that pain and treat your illness at the same time?
Thank you if you read all of this.
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self.bipolar
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Help for anxiety picking? Hi all, I have a problem with picking my hands/fingers until they're bleeding and I don't even realize it's happening until I look down and see the results, how can I deter myself from doing this?
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self.Anxiety
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Loneliness I don't know about anyone else, but I constantly feel lonely, even in the company of others, I feel alone
Is there a fix for this? I am usually a quietly social person, so this is torture 😞
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self.depression
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just wanted to write I wanted to talk about what I saw when my aunt died. I usually talk to people about things I observe. Some things I keep to myself, others I share. It's the first time I'd seen someone go from alive to dead. I feel like I want to speak about it...have a conversation about it. But it's obviously not a topic that's comfortable for most people.
It's been about two weeks now. Or something. Made some headway in processing each aspect of that situation. A friend committed suicide last year. I didn't think then, that I fully understood death. Though I wasn't prepared for just how little I knew. I had very little choice but to accept that the deed was done, tragic as it was. But it was an immediate thing. Watching someone die from cancer was...unsettling. At least for me. I spend a lot of time watching how people live...especially down to their grimaces and ticks. In the dying process, those things fall off one by one.
Not a lot gets said about the unseemly aspects. Immobility means adult diapers means cleanup crew. Freakish bouts of pain scare and worry observers. Irregular breathing patterns and increasingly long periods of sleep beg the question, "Are they dead?" Maybe not so poorly worded, and certainly not outloud. But I kept watch on the overnight, and was never sure whether I should be relieved or disappointed that it hadn't happened. I read that the eyes close even when they're still awake, just because. No one mentioned that the eyes shoot open when they're in pain.
The delirium also makes it hard. The person, their personality, seemed to have mostly gone. You're left with a patient, instead. Everything about this death makes me think it could have been handled better. A medical staff to take care of the technical aspects; family as a source of companionship.
The human body is an interesting thing. It's a manifestation of the person. And not in some metaphysical sense. Everything about how they use their body is information about the person. Semantically, "alive" is simply the opposite of "dead"...the dying process notwithstanding. The body, then, stops being a reflection of a person. If anything, it's the reflection of the absence of the person. With less prose, it's just an inanimate object like anything else.
I was surprised at how unceremonious a dead body is. I made sure to not let my imagination do childish things. Being in that moment, and watching it for what it was, it almost wasn't worth fussing over. As in, there's a difference between the person that you remember, and the body that you are left with.
I still have a ways to go in getting back to normal...with no way of knowing whether my forward progress will be supplanted by backwards progress. The panic attacks are the most disruptive. The constant sense of tiredness hovers and permeates. I wish simply sleeping could make it all go away.
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self.offmychest
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Depression because of rejection, not being good looking enough. I used to be someone who never cared about how I looked, how my clothes looked. In the last three years everything changed. I started using a Gay/Bi dating application and that is where I was shaken to my core, I realized if you don't have the perfect looks no one wants to know what you have to offer or what you really are. In a country like mine where we don't have places to meet other guys, apps are our only option. Over the years as I improved my hairstyle and clothing, I got better responses but nothing ever really worked out with anyone. Almost three years ago, in the middle of my phase of depression I started talking to someone who was way out of my league, the way he treated me made me think that maybe we could have a future. When I told him about my feelings, he told he was already with someone but he would have loved to date me. A year ago he broke up and I tried to be with him. He kept telling me that he was not ready but three months ago I found out that he is with someone and his guy is like a walking model. That is when I realized that he didn't really mean when he said I was gorgeous, to him I was nothing. I was not good looking enough for him, not confident enough, not 'classy' enough and way below his 'league'. While all this happened, I was using that dating app, one day I got blocked/ignored 3-4 times in a row and it hit me that it is the people of his 'league' who would never like me, never accept me as their own. And I swear to everything I hold dear in my heart, I have never been so broken and shattered before. I have absolutely no self-respect, self-esteem or self-confidence left. I don't indulge in self-harm but sometimes I just want to stop existing. To end everything. I see no way out. Because no matter what I do, my face will never get any better, my pictures will never get any better and I will never find someone to love, to cherish who feels the same way about me.
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self.depression
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I just realized my heart feels like Seymour from Futurama It's been waiting loyally to be someone's best buddy for years, but now it's withering away, alone.
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self.depression
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I hate myself I hate myself so much. I fuck up everything I do, even when I try my hardest I just fuck it up. I can't do anything right. I feel like shit and the thought of having to be with myself for the rest of my life kills me. I understand why other people don't want to talk to me. I don't want to be around myself either but I'm stuck with me. I just wish I could die already. I really don't want to spend another second with this useless piece of shit.
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self.depression
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I have no nothing to look forward to. All I want is to feel like a real person again. I feel completely indifferent and miserable at the same time. I'm disconnected from reality, as if I'm watching a movie about a pathetic protagonist instead of living. I want to feel like I occupy my own mind and body again. I want to feel like I'm in the world, like I'm a part of reality, not like I'm observing it. Every day that passes increases my despondency because I know that my life is finite and that my days are compounding into a meaningless existence. Sometimes I just start crying for no apparent reason, and I've lost the urge to do anything. I don't even want to shower. My feelings are partially mine and partially outside of me, and I have no idea how to cope. Everyone I talk to gives me nonsensical advice about how I should meditate or exercise or listen to motivational speakers, and I'm starting to become extremely cynical. My father, who has attempted suicide (at least I think so, he might be lying), just tells me to focus on my academic goals and accept that l'll always be depressed. If that's the case, what's the fucking point of anything? I've switched schools three times this year because of my family's financial issues, and my loneliness and lack of adaptability don't help. I'm away from the people who know me and I've lost my sense of identity, but who am I kidding? I've never had real friends anyway. No one has ever remotely liked me, certainly not loved me. I'll never be special to anyone. The last time I liked someone is a blur, and I can't remember the last time someone has touched me in a non-perfunctory way. Sometimes I just stay awake and fantasize about just being held and crying on someone and feeling safe. I want someone to care that I'm in pain, but not in an abstract way. I want someone who knows my innermost thoughts and is aware that I'm not good or worthwhile or exceptional to want me to be alright despite that. I want to be understood. I want to be told that I deserve better even though I don't. I want to feel like someone needs me to stay alive. Maybe I'm an unlovable entity that's incapable of connection. Whenever I talk to people, I feel like there's this brilliant version of me permanently incarcerated somewhere inside and that if I could only express it I'd be loved and wanted, but I can't and I doubt that will ever change. I wish I could escape myself. I have no idea what to do or how to feel better. I can't see a therapist because my father won't pay for it and I have no income of my own. Sometimes I want to check myself into a mental hospital, but there's no way I could do that without repeating the year and failing in the only sphere I've ever succeeded at. I'd rather kill myself than become more of a failure than I already am. I don't know if I have the courage to kill myself yet, but if this continues, that's the only option.
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self.SuicideWatch
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A fake it 'til you make it approach to being happy is exhausting. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I wish i would have killed myself a long time ago. too many people are invested in my life now even if i tried to make it an accident, they would know it was suicide. part of me wants to just run away and kill myself somewhere in alaska where no one will ever find me
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self.SuicideWatch
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Had sex with one of my best friends, and now I think I'm starting to develop feelings that she doesn't reciprocate. This is my alternate account because I really don't want this information to leak anywhere it shouldn't. I've been best friends with someone, who I'll just refer to as B, for a couple months now. She's one of the coolest people I've ever hung out with. Most afternoons we'll find some time to smoke a little weed, listen to music, and watch Netflix. Our interests in just about everything line up well, so we always have something to talk about.
I've also had a huge crush on her for a while. Every feature B has is like something I would imagine my dream girl to have: beautiful blue eyes, dirty blonde hair, amazing curves. She probably knew from the very beginning that I was into her, but we kept things platonic.
Three days ago, I came over to B's apartment and we hung out for a bit. We played cards, watched The Office, ate some ice cream. It was a really chill night. Eventually, we realized that we stayed up entirely too late, so we just went to bed together. I cuddled with her as I tried to sleep.
Throughout the night, we were both pretty uncomfortably hot. We both took our shirts off and tried again to go back to sleep. Apparently it was still hot for her though, because she then took her bra off. I figured if she felt comfortable enough to cuddle with me topless, she wouldn't mind if I made a move on her. We started making out, and eventually we wound up having sex.
After it was over, I asked her if she wanted to keep the trend going for the future. I thought maybe we could at least be friends with benefits. All she said was "Maybe."
Hanging out with her hasn't changed at all. We're still very good friends, but I think I'm starting to fall for this girl. I know she's not looking for a relationship right now, but I can't help but get attached to her. She's all I've ever wanted out of a girlfriend and more. Maybe I just need to give her space to think about it, or maybe she doesn't even consider me as an option to date. I just feel very confused and desperate at this point.
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self.offmychest
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24 and tired of it all I've always been suicidal since I was 10 years old, my grandmother has emotionally, mentally, and physically abused me. That produced a stoic kid who learned hate at a young age. My birthday will be my 6th attempt, so we will see what happens soon.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How I turned out by being a victim of abuse to one abuser I just can’t deal with it anymore, I need to take off this bag of stones that’s on my shoulders.
I am going to explain this following a timeline of the events.
I am a 17 yo girl who was abused for the first time at 4 years of age.
2004 - When the abuse started
I am an only child, so I had a bunch of friends at my neighborhood. I remember one in particular, let’s call her “Nyve”.
Nyve’s house was in front of mine, my mother hadn’t a close relationship with hers, but we were friends, so I went to her house and she went to mine (...)
I remember like it was yesterday, Nyve was on my house and we were playing with my dolls together when she turned to me and said “ Olivia, I know a new game, let’s play it?” ( I was 4 years old and she was 5) and I said yes, why not? She explained that the game was like this: you kiss my vagey g and I kiss yours. At the beginning I thought it strange but I agreed (?) and we did it... I did not like this “game” throughout these turns, but I didn’t want to Nyve get mad at me. And this was repeating until the day I moved to another neighborhood, I was living in an apartment now.
2006 - the dirty cousin
So, I moved to an apartment on another neighborhood. I moved to a condo that my cousin lived too, and our relationship (friends) became very closer.
That time I don’t actually remember how and what happened, it is like this memory is all black in my head, but she introduced me to sex, again. It was her whom introduced me to this world; when I was only 6 years old.
At school I became very close to a friend called “Kelly”, and I also don’t remember what exactly happened, but all I remember is that we both were having sex (rubbing and kissing) inside a child’s wagon. This at only 6/7 yo. This act continued until she changed her school.
2007 - Friends in common
My cousin was a friend of my classmate who also lived at the same condo of us.
You guys can throw stones at me, but I also did not remember if she already knew about this sex thing and how we got together on this, then here I was again, having sex with my friend.
Every sleepover that I had with my cousin or my classmate “Beth” we had sex, always.
I am very ashamed of all this situation but what really hurts me to say is that I was enjoying that sex sensation, and they were too.
2008- The introduction to pornography
I was always fascinated with the internet, so since I was a kid I always was playing games on the internet, listening to music, exploring... In one of those explorations, I found out those sex chatrooms which people post sex pics/videos and whatever. I discovered porn websites and showed it to my cousin and Beth, they liked it.
Beth didn’t know that I was having this kind of relations with my cousin and my cousin didn’t know about me and Beth relationship. I don’t know until today if they had this kind of relationship with each other.
I remember that one time we all three had a sleepover at my house and through flashbacks in my head we almost did a threesome, I don’t remember clearly.
The fact of I don’t remembering always the beginning of these acts makes me believe that is a way of my subconscious to block this horrible “memories”.
2009 - This time I was the abuser/ My first love story
Months later my relations with Beth and my cousin stopped and I replaced it starting to get addicted to pornography at 9 years of age, I remember that in some days I had 2 orgasms per day.
Since those relations stopped, I felt a little more free, and I could really start a real friend relationship with another person without any this sex thing. I had a best friend, “Tori”. We were the best friends for ever, we did everything together, at school, going to the mall, sitting close at class... I can say that was a true friendship
But I fucked up everything... I felt like the masturbation wasn’t enough so I introduced Tori to sex, and months later I found out myself that I was in love with her. Since this introduction (we were both 9 yo) again, every sleepover that we had we were having sex, but this time was real lesbian sex (oral etc). I was in love with her, so doin’ this made me feel happy at that time, I remember that sometimes she denied my flirts but I insisted a lot that she was finally giving up.
She don’t know until today that I was in love with her.
One night, I remember. She asked me to stop and said that “it’s better not”. Since then we had never had sex again and I never had sex again until nowadays.
She became being close friends with another girls and letting me behind. It made me feel so bad, switched that took me trying destroy her friendships by telling that she was a backstabber and things like that. We had a serious fight and since this we don’t talk anymore.
2011- Discovering my sexuality and depression
That year was hard for me, I had found out that I was a lesbian and I developed anxiety problems and severe depression. I was one inteire year without going to school and making social contact.
2012 - searching for treatment
I started therapy and taking serious medicines and slowly I could get back my life, returned to school, making new friends and lying to myself about my past, trying to think that all past didn’t happened actually. I got recovered.
2013 to 2016 - Through these years occurred all this teenage cliche stuff, but bad things also happened to me like everybody life does. It was all normal.
2017 - The Turnaround
This year I found out that I was in love again with my best friend, but of course throughout this whole time I got more mature and I know how to act correctly, respect people and do stuff like anybody else who’s clever and mature does.
Also happened that this year, I got a throwback of my past events and I am so ashamed with these things that happened to me that my depression and anxiety got worse, I cut myself again, my self esteem is very low, and I also think that I may ruined Tori’s life, that sweet little girl, loved by everyone around... I made her lost her innocence. I am a monster, I am nothing, I am shit.
And with this fact involving Melanie Martinez (the supposed rape) made me go crazy, I am feeling like nothing. Just another piece of shit that deserves to be dead. Poor little girl. Poor Tori. I were abused and then I turned an abuser.
Shit human being. I am having panic attacks with frequency and I am really considering killing myself.
I just wanted to share this happenings because I can’t handle them alone anymore.
I am sorry for being here in this world. I am a bad human being.
I am sorry about the long text too.
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self.offmychest
|
hi. first reddit post EVER. i have a pretty simple question to ask. is this subreddit for anyone of all ages who (maybe) suffering from some type of depression, or is this more directed to late-teens people and adults? sorry for the odd question, i’m a pre-teen here who has been having feelings of sadness and anxiety ever since late december of 2016, and i have been very eager to actually find some people who i can relate to; hence why i’m making this post..thanks.
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self.depression
|
I’m 21 and the older I get the more I regret my past. How do I stop this cycle? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Does it ever actually get better? That's always everyone's advice. It'll get better. Just keep working on it. Make friends. Take meds. Workout. Sleep. Eat well. Meditate. Self-care. I mean I feel like I'm doing it all right. And every once in a while i see a little glimpse into that. I complete a homework assignment and I feel proud. Or I'm cuddling with my SO and I feel loved. But it only lasts a short time and things go back to bad again.
I know that mental illness is a process and something you have to work with. But it's getting to the point where I almost don't see the point. It's struggling to keep up with school. Honestly, I'm just struggling to leave my bed. And if I do it's just to my desk.
I don't know. I guess I'm more just venting. I'm just... Im scared. I want so bad to be better.
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self.depression
|
I'm worrying about everything and it gives me stress constantly, and I don't want to live like this anymore This will be a long post and will touch on a lot of different topics.
I'm a high school senior and I am terrified of everything. The most common piece of advice I've received from my friends for battling my anxiety/depression is to see an expert, and to do what makes me happy. I had a doctor's appointment a couple of days ago and was referred to a psychiatrist, with whom I have an appointment in a week. I'm scared of that. Maybe she won't take me seriously. It'll be expensive, and my parents are kind-of poor (middle class but struggling with debt). I don't want to really reveal what weird things I've been thinking about. I couldn't get myself to do it in front of my parents or doctor.
What weird things? A ton of relationship and career/college anxiety. Never had a girlfriend. How do I get one? Everyone at school has a partner. It should be easy. The internet gives conflicting advice. If you like someone, approach them and tell them you like them. Others say to just be sociable and never focus on the goal of getting a partner and one will come crawling to you. Others say to just be attractive - if you are unattractive (which I kind-of am - I have very stereotypical facial features of my race/ethnicity) then you better learn to cope with being a virgin lose for life.
What makes me happy? I think I've identified some things that do - Middle Eastern and Asian history and culture and language. I can't get myself to read and research about these things because I'm scared I'll fall even further behind in school. Furthermore, because I go to school with so many Southeast Asian and Middle Eastern immigrant students, I've developed a strong attraction/fetish/whatever you want to call it for women of these cultural/ethnic/racial groups.
I feel extremely shitty about it.
My parents have always told me to date/marry a person of my own ethno-religious group, and I've always accepted that as right. The internet also gives conflicting advice. "Conservatives" say race-mixing is a sin. "Liberals" say that there is an internalized-racism problem with white/Jewish men and Asian women and its problematic and shows that men have a stereotype of them as reserved, kinky, and submissive.
Not me - living alongside Asian (Indian, Middle-Easterner, Bengali, Khmer, Filipina) women my whole life, I've seen the whole gamut of personalities and interests and values these human groups can have. I still extremely awful going against my conservative parents, and my 'liberal' 'friends.'
How does one even go about finding some sort of relationship? I sometimes see people with my dream life. It's a simple life - middle class with a wife of another race whose culture I can learn about and study, with a happy marriage. But the majority of people are unhappy. The divorce rate is stupidly high. I just finished reading my way through the rabbit-hole that is the situation surrounding the assassination of Dan Markel. Some partners can seem marriage-worthy until they kill or call a hit on their partner out of nowhere. That's terrifying. I need to therefore be best friends with my partner if I ever even do manage to find some sort of relationship. That's hard work. I'm worried about that.
Then there's friend-making. So many people at school have so many friends and have partners. Reading about it online, the common advice is to meet as many people as possible and be interesting - know stuff and share and talk about that stuff. Be entertaining. Are my peers really so interesting? Does no-one else find Angkor Empire history interesting, and am I therefore not interesting?
Career things: I should become a professor/academic of Asian history and literature. But then I'll only be out of school at 30 and will be in a vicious job market. People working in industry/finance/anything-else will already be married and will have traveled the world and had the time of their lives. I know the older siblings of my peers have done so.
If I go their route, that requires social skills and being interesting - and I'm not interesting.
|
self.depression
|
Residual symptoms? I'm having a strange issue and wondering if anyone else has had this. A few posts back, I mentioned problems with concentration and focus. I didn't realize how prominent those symptoms are with mood issues.
Here's my problem: after 1.5 or so years of being unstable, I have finally stabilized. However, my ability to focus and concentrate has not returned. I never had trouble with this before my long period of instability, but now it's even affecting my ability to do my job.
As usual, I have no idea what pdoc thinks about this. We discussed it briefly at my last appointment, and I have a longer appointment scheduled so we can talk about it in more detail. The problem is, my appointment is in June and this is getting worse. I called to make an earlier appointment, but he's booked until August, which is two months after my current scheduled appointment.
He suggested reading about strategies for dealing with ADHD. I don't have that diagnosis, but he thought some of that might help. I've made my work area as distraction free as possible, tried mindfulness and meditation, and am taking a (legal) supplement that was recommended. Nothing is working. My mood is still perfectly stable. I just can't bloody concentrate on anything.
DAE experience symptoms once long mood episodes have passed?
Thanks.
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self.bipolar
|
Stayed home sick from school. So I have a really bad sinus infection and have had to stay home from school the past couple days, which makes me freak put to begin with because I hate having to be absent. Anyways, now I'm freaking out because of all my make-up work I'll have to do before the term ends in a week, so then I'm having very bad anxiety about emailing my teachers on picking up all my work. Instead of being able to relax and get the rest I need, I'm a nervous wreck and this all just turned into another terrible situation. Sorry if this isn't really the best place for this, but I just had to vent.
|
self.Anxiety
|
It's the small things that get you with depression [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Just blew off my family’s Thanksgiving get together to do drugs I think this is supposed to be a wake up call. I’d rather sit at home and eat Xanax and play video games than see my actual family. My life has reached it’s lowest point. What kind of person does this? Forget about eating turkey, mash potatoes, and seeing all my relatives together and having a great meal. I just wanna get high and lay down, and numb myself from all the self hatred and anxiety I have in my life. I’m a shut in, and a drug addict. None of my “friends” ever check in on me, even though they know I have a drug problem. Nobody cares about me. Not even myself. I was already depressed before all this, but the vices of drug addiction have taken me to rock bottom. Not even sure what to tell myself at this point. I’m just worthless. Not thankful for anything in this life.
To the rest of you, have a good holiday.
|
self.depression
|
I need to become okay in like a week How to get myself out of one of my lowest of lows in order to start getting my life back on track and help make my girlfriend’s life easier?
|
self.depression
|
Not sure if I'm worth anything. Forgive the rambling nature of this post. I have a lot on my mind, and not a lot of organization to make this any more legible.
Recently I’ve done a lot of thinking. I’ve had a lot of opportunities to be happier in life, to be in a better place than I am right now. I’ve been to college multiple times, but I find myself so terrified of messing up, and it just makes it so that I can’t get anything done, and then I fail as a result. I hate it. I feel so unfulfilled working minimum wage, low-skill jobs, where I have to put up with the crap that other people set out for me, but I can’t bring myself to take the risk that I’d need to get anything more than that.
I feel empty, in some ways. I find happiness in my interactions with other people, in making them smile and knowing that I had an impact on someone else’s life, in some way, even if it was minimal. Yet, once that interaction stops, once I’m alone, I feel hollow. Pointless, purposeless. I need noise, just to function. The silence deafens me more than anything else, the lack of stimulation kills me more than any bullet ever could. Yet despite that, I find it near-impossible to get any satisfaction from my own imagination, my own creativity, which disgusts me.
I don’t know if I have a point in all of this that I’m saying. Maybe it’ll help just to have this out there, maybe not. I really don’t know, but that’s okay, I suppose. Thanks for reading.
|
self.offmychest
|
I've joined the lithium gang! Went to a new p-doc today. He suggested adding lithium, and I agreed!
Now, tell me your horror stories.
|
self.bipolar
|
First psychiatrist appt. hoping for meds but nervous from bad reaction in the past. Advice? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Why do people seem to think saying "I care about you" excuses treating the person they supposedly care about like shit?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Nowhere to run You have to sit there and play with your friends all day. You got no money, can't even get on the subway. How far do you think you would get? Haha, not very far. You can't escape, be a good boy and stay put. You can't escape depression. You can't ignore it, sit there and listen to it. Let depression be the soundtrack of your life. Face it, you lost, this is what you're trapped with, you have no other options.
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self.depression
|
Did healthy lifestyle (eating, exercise, etc.) have an effect on your bipolar? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
This is just too boring, but I don't have enough time or any socialising to make it different. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Little panic How do you guys deal with this little panic you have when you meet a friend/friends that you have bad pasts with? Like, they've hurted you before, you still have to socialize with them because of group work or whatever. How do I cope so my feelings won't expose out to them about how much I still remember what they've done to me eventhough it's been like forever since the incident happen?
|
self.depression
|
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