text
stringlengths 39
36.7k
| label
stringclasses 5
values |
|---|---|
Does anyone else constantly feel like they want to run away from the life they’re currently living? When I start to have a lot of anxiety, and I think about all the people I have disappointed and how much I have fucked up in my life, I always fantasize about getting away from it all. Moving to a city far, far away and changing my name and how I look. Never talking to the people I know again. Having a fresh new start. Be a better me.
Fantasizing about this makes me feel better. But is it healthy to think about this? Even if I did run away, I would probably have the same anxiety that I have now and I would probably continue to fuck shit up in my new life.
|
self.Anxiety
|
is there a point in staying alive? I'm depressed and bipolar. Life is about to take a really big shit on me. I've been staying afloat on borrowed time. In my current state, I really don't see how I can come out this anywhere near "OK" if you would.
I have been dealing with suicidal thoughts since I was a freshman in high school. I have even acted on these thoughts twice. The first time just a rope broke, second time I was rescued and brought to a mental institution where I was diagnosed. There's a very keen reason for why I have these thoughts, or so I think at least.
Which brings me to my point. Even if I somehow manage to escape the upcoming situation, I don't think I'll be happy still. There's still a pretty big something that bothers me and I can't do anything about it but feel bad about it. I honestly think I'm better off just pulling the plug on myself now.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I hate it when I take things personally. I had this in me for a long time, ever since I was a kid in elementary school, I'm a male sophomore student in HS right now if you're wondering, I had a lot of emotional problems since 5th grade. But recently, a few hours ago, I accidentally said something about two of my friends? (I'm not sure if they're my friends anymore) took the wrong way, They started lashing at me, that I'm "Salty" and I kept accidentally using my problems as my excuses. I kept saying the wrong and wrong things to back myself up so no more conflict or emotional pressure happens to me. I broke down almost. They said I was unoriginal with my art, uncreative. It really hurt me, I'm conscious of who I am. I subconsciously try too hard to be perfect so criticism really hurts me in every aspect of myself. They thought I said something to them harsh as them saying this to me, I didn't mean this much harm. I don't know if I can still talk to them because they might look at me differently. I'm a 15 year old guy and I broke down crying, I never felt so embarrassed in my life. What did I even do to myself?
|
self.offmychest
|
Dont know how to keep going on, never felt so depressed Not sure what I want to get out of this post, just feel so alone and I have no one to talk to and can't go anywhere. Feel like im suffocating and just want someone to know.
Don't know where to start and im feeling scared of what might happen next. I think my relationship finally fell apart today. He's the first relationship I had, first person I loved, and we moved in together about 9 months ago. Feel like he doesn't care anymore. Feel like I cant care anymore. We were always really different. Wanted things to get better but they never did. When he moved in I spent a week makin the place perfect for him, cleaned every inch of it til it was sparkling, stocked the fridge with things he liked, moved the furniture around so he could get a tv and threw out lots of clothes to make room in the wardrobe. Make homemade pizza sauce at 3am so I could make him healthy pizza for when he arrived at 7am before I went to class. Wanted to do so much for him and put in so much effort to show I loved him and I cared. Asked him throughout the times we were living together to help me clean but he only did it a few times. He always promised things would get better. That he would clean tomorrow. That he would make it up to me. That he cared. I began to feel loved less and less. Always knew I was worthless and unlovable, shouldnt have jumped into a relationship but thought this was special. Never known what a healthy relationship was. I grew up in a household where my mother did everything, where there were huge explosive fights between my parents. Dad threw things, smashed things, cursed, hit my mum, threatened suicide, threatened murder. Still remember when I was three he threatened her with a meat cleaver while she was kneeling and begging. Still remember in the same year I felt broken glass hit my head when he smashed a bottle. Theres too many memories like these.
Never wanted a relationship like this and he seemed different. Thought he'd understand my insecurities. Thought he had a good temper and would listen to me. Loved that he was kind and understanding at first. I always tried to tell him when things were bothering me and tried to be honest and calm. Apparently I just keep poking him and its all my fault when he gets angry. He told me im a fucking joke. Im a fucking retard. I need to shut my fucking mouth. Im a fucking bitch. That I have fucking issues. He doesnt understand that I dont like it when he says this stuff when we fight. He says he cant keep it in. I drive him fucking crazy and its my fault. He says I should just not bring things up and start fights. I didnt think it started that way. I just wanted to talk about what was bothering me, but it cuts so deep to have someone you loved and respected say those things to you. All i asked for was for him to listen and not put me down. Im worthless and dont want to live anymore. Scares me that i feel so much resentment and hate towards him because i thought this was forever. I want to hurt myself so badly. Im just sick of this life. Every time i think im happy something happens to show me im worthless. He said he'd understand. That he wanted to help me. That i deserved to be happy. Guess he doesnt feel that way anymore. Im a failure of a woman, a person. Im a waste of space. I cant do anything right. At some point you just have to give up because it hurts too much to keep going. Theres nothing left. How can you keep going with so much trauma. Been depressed for as long as I can remember and have planned suicide multiple times only to be too cowardly to go ahead with it. How can i live with myself. I cant even stand to look in the mirror. Just want to disappear
wish I was never born.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My doctor's appointment went really well After months of feeling hopeless, with thoughts of hurting myself stewing in my head, my doctor's appointment finally came around.
The nurse who saw me mentioned I had scheduled a depression screening and basically asked "what's up." I decided to get to the heart of the matter and blurted out that I was experiencing suicidal thoughts. I probably blindsided that poor woman so hard.
We then did the screening. It was basically the same as the one I did online that got me to schedule the appointment in the first place. My score was 18, "pretty high" according to the nurse, but I was never really diagnosed with anything. The doctor explained it's not something they can easily diagnose like other illnesses. I sort of wish that wasn't the case, because I feel like I could fight this better if I knew exactly what I was dealing with.
I left to pick up a 50mg prescription of Zoloft and should be getting a call about a counseling referral soon. I'm actually feeling pretty happy right now. I know it's almost certainly not the meds yet, but I'm trying to not question it too much and just let myself have this win.
|
self.depression
|
My friend asked me to borrow money One of my good friends that I've known since high school called me at 6 AM this morning and asked me to borrow $400. I was extremely shocked and even had to ask him was it some type of prank. He said it wasn’t and that he had went to a casino last night and lost hundreds of dollars and needed to pay his rent today. While we don't see each other often we were in the same immediate friend group in high school and I still think of him very fondly, a genuinely good guy that would give you the shirt off his back.
Since HS which was about five years ago we haven't seen each other as much maybe once or twice a year, but we still keep in contact, we text every week basically. I know since HS he has been going through some tough times, but he never specified what exactly was going on so I never pressed him about it. I'm still in school right now and work a part time job, so I'm barely making it by myself so I couldn't give him $400 and instead gave him $50. I don't care about the money, I'm sure he will pay me back, since HS he has been a man of his word. I just feel sad overall and I'm not exactly sure why, he's an extremely prideful guy so I know it must have been hard to ask. If I never see the money again it doesn't matter, I will be fine, I just hope he will be too. Just needed to get that off my chest.
|
self.offmychest
|
Is this anxiety related? I got diagnosed with anxiety around 1 year and a half ago.
Recently started having this one weird thing happening to me at night that prevents me from falling asleep and it's driving me crazy.
I go to bed, get the urge to pee, go to the bathroom, try peeing, but nothing comes out, head once again back to bed, and get the urge once again.
This happens all throughout the night, and I've gotten no sleep due to it.
Have any of y'all experienced this? If so, how'd you deal with it?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Lamictal Speech Problems? So I’ve seen that people can have trouble with word recall on lamictal and I’ve experienced that in a very small amount, but I’m wondering if this other issue I’m having is also a lamictal Side effect.
Basically I’m mixing up the order of my words or switching the first letters/consonants of words.
Like, I said someone sent me a “fracebook fend request”, was talking about Trump and said “how does the tress preat you?” Asked my boyfriend “can you car my move out of the driveway?” And “what do you want for winner?”
I’m hoping this goes away soon, because I’m very involved in theatre and can’t be speaking like this on stage....
Anybody else?
|
self.bipolar
|
When you're everything but what the world expects from you. Hey. I'm 17 and suffocating. I am lonely as hell. I had nowhere to talk about. Glad I found this forum and I hope you'll help me.
I'm having a severe depression. No doctor told me this, because things like psychological and mental illness are unthinkable in where I live.
I knew what I'm suffering from from doing many many tests I did online. And believe me, if it's not depression, what the hell else it could be?!
Till two years ago, everything was fine in my life. Great, even. I was a brilliant and model student. Beloved, sociable and all. I wasn't thinking very much about anything. I was a little lonely, but I didn't care much. I don't know how it really began, but let me describe what I'm feeling right now.
I grew up to discover that all my life depends on how I'm doing at school. It wasn't a problem before, but now, I became truly too stupid to do even one simple equation correctely. I'm in my senior year, and I don't know what the hell I'm gonna do. No one understands me. They all keep saying "Try harder" . Waouh! what a smart solution! I wonder why it didn't occured to me before -_- .
NOT JUST THAT! But I'm a total mess in life, in general. I have NO INTELLIGENCE in NO field. like, if I lived just one day by myslef, I'd certainly end up dead in some hole .. or, robbed, at least. Wherever I go, I wreck havoc behind me, just because of my clumsiness. Like, what the hell I'm doing on this Earth?!
I thought I have some potential friends. But now that I'm in need, NO ONE is besides me! I would very like to talk to my mom. she would.. understand me.. somehow. Not fully, but at least best than others. But she's too helpless. I will end up by just saddening her. I REALLY want to seek a doctor's help. But it's UNTHINKABLE, where I live. I really tried to fix things myself, but it's OVERWHELMING. this depression is keeping me powerless.
I have some serious suicidal thoughts, even if I know I would NEVER execute them thanks to some religious beliefs I have. I also imagine how drugs and alcohol would be a relief, but I'd never take them for the same reason.
There are a lot of other things to talk about, but I don't want to bother you.
Please, PLEASE, help me . This is the ONLY way I have to share my problem with others.
|
self.depression
|
I feel like I’m drowning and I don’t know what to do I’ve had probably the toughest year I’ve ever had. I lost my grandfather, someone I’ve idolized all my life. I’m so deep in debt and I don’t know that I can ever get out of it. I’ve been unhealthy throughout the year. I’ve been single for 5 years and dating just seems like a nightmare. I don’t make enough money, but I don’t really have the experience to jump careers. I am more lost than I’ve ever been in my life and I don’t know what to do. On top of all this, I just found out that both my car insurance rates and rent are going up, and I just got rear ended today into another car and I’m scared I’m gonna be at fault for that too. I feel like I’m screwed.
I get that this is probably pretty common and everyone has these struggles, but I am getting scared that I’m really starting to consider just ending it. I told a friend of mine today and he just said “well, you can’t, you just have to get through it” which was not helpful. I have been diagnosed with depression, but I can’t even afford having another expense like therapy or antidepressants, not to mention that I refuse to ask for help. I just want to go to sleep and not wake up.
I really don’t know how to close this out. I want to feel free and clear of all this, but it feels like this is it. This is my life and it can’t change. I just want to feel something else.
Sorry if this is the wrong place for this or if I’m not doing this right. Just don’t know where else to go.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Just looking for a bit of advice :) I usually lurk, and don't post, sometimes comment. So a big thank you for brightening up my day when I need it, this subreddit is great.
Just wanted a tinsy bit of advice. I've been noticing my mood fluctuating lately, but not like to the extremes (when I have episodes they're pretty noticeable to people around me, and they let me know) and nobody around me has pointed anything out so I'm just wondering if I'm going crazy or something.
I'm slightly on the happy side of the spectrum right now, but it could hit midday and I'd be depressed, then I'd be really happy again. I normally have mixed episodes and never really noticed anything like this before, but maybe I'm just being hyper vigilant for everything and noticing too much.
My SO only notices my super happy vs super sad in his eyes, but he said it's not really been noticeable other than a little bit of what he calls 'normal hyper' every now and again, seeing as he views that as an almost natural state (I have ADHD which I'm not medicated for so he sometimes can't tell).
I have been tidying up a lot recently and binge watching TV shows, but this is another thing people around me view as normal, even when I go overboard and hand clean every tile in the bathroom.
I just wondered if anyone maybe thinks I should go see my doctor or whether I should just start recording my mood twice a day to track if anything is happening.
My next doctors appointment is in two weeks, but if I should I could bump it up to Monday.
Also I know people may not be able to help as I don't post much and nobody knows me, but I thought I'd give it a shot :)
Otherwise, how is everyone? I love this sub and thank you for all the advice I see on other threads that I always write out in my notebook ;)
Edit: Just thought I would add that I am Bipolar 1, diagnosed and everything :)
|
self.bipolar
|
Does anybody else suffer from PTSD along with bp? I'm 19 years old and was just recently diagnosed with Bipolar. I had already been diagnosed with CPTSD (complex PTSD), which is a form of PTSD most often caused by extended childhood trauma, as opposed to one traumatic event. The combination of the two is absolutely debilitating. My depressive cycles are long and very challenging, and is accompanied by constant overwhelming stress (in my mind and my body) and hypervigilance (look this up if you don't know what it is) along with many other symptoms from PTSD. I got put back on my medication last week after suicidal ideation, and am doing a bit better now. Just wanted to vent here because this is the only place where people will understand.
Does anybody else here suffer from both? It's not a fun boat to be in but I just wanted to know how other people cope with both disorders and if they have the same symptoms as me.
EDIT: Also, what meds work well for BP? My father is on Lamotrigine and says it's been working well for him, and I am going to be put on some sort of mood stabilizer at my next PDoc appointment.
|
self.bipolar
|
My girlfriend is five years younger than I am. . . . . . And I am twenty one. Tomorrow will mark one year of us being together,
I met her online, an app called whisper to be exact. I was having a hard time in my current relationship, and seeking some sort of emotional support that wasn't my girlfriend (unhealthy, i know.). For the sake of simplicity and anonymity, Ill refer to my ex as Jen and my girlfriend as Bella.
Jen and I had been together for almost three years at that point. We were high school sweet hearts, we met our junior year and the first year we spent together was great. We were high school kids and in love. We didn't have any cares in the world and would be found with each other almost everyday after school. After high school, things went south fast. Things were toxic, physical, and unhealthy. And, although we both were responsible for it, i was not the lesser of the two evils. I hid my relationship with Bella from her long enough that i confessed it because I had fallen for her, and fallen out of Jen.
Nevertheless, we "tried" to make something work. Again, im a horribly confused person and the relationship ended when i confessed to sleeping with Bella.
Maybe i should divulge why, I, an adult, slept with and am carrying a relationship with a minor.
I don't know how to put it into words. We would talk all day, while I was at work, and all night, while Jen slept. Our conversation, form the beginning, was always fluid and we would talk about the mundane to our budding opinions of the world around us. SHe was my shrink and i was her. Our music, hobbies, and personalities were too similar. When i first met up with her, and learned her age, i was floored. It never came up, and i never asked.
She makes me feel things Jen could never make me feel. The love I have for Bella is something that overwhelms me. I want to be a better person for her. I want fix all of my ugly flaws so she can move in with a somewhat adjusted adult when its time. I hate putting it like this, but she is who i feel, deep in my fucking heart, i want to spend my life with.
I have nobody to come to for this and it's starting to weigh on me. I know what love feels like and this is it for me. I fucking feel it and I'm so lost. I love this girl so much, it drives me insane (in a good way). There's nothing I wouldn't do for her.
Thank you for reading.
|
self.offmychest
|
Went to Peru to feel alive, but I just made things worse I spent 3k so I could go see Machu Picchu and feel a sense of self worth. I don't know. The idea of doing something adventurous and out of my very structured comfort-zone seemed like the reset I needed. But good fucking god I feel even more lonely than before. I'm sitting in my hotel room wishing I was back home. I'm literally counting the days until I get to see my dogs again and fall back into my depression. I can't fucking win.
|
self.depression
|
I have lost hope in life. So I have decided to post about my life story, and how I went from young teenager with dreams and goals in life to adult who has fucked up time and time again and now with no hope in life. A lot has happened, and it has all piled up into one giant mess, and I have nobody to blame but myself for it.
I am 18 years old, born and raised in southern California. I grew up playing soccer and had good grades in school. On paper, I have had a great life, and I am bound to be successful in life. Unfortunately, that is not the case for me right now. In fact, I am at the point in my life where I am giving up all hope.
Besides being a sporty person, I have always been into video games. I bring this up because that is when I met a woman in November of 2015, whose name, let's pretend her name is Sarah (I want the names to stay anonymous) the same age as me, online, through a group of friends on Skype who played the same game. Ever since Sarah got added into that group, there was a click between us. We both joked around, and had the same sense of humor. I soon decided to start private messaging each other, and next thing we know, we had feelings for each other, and I asked her out a week after we met. A little soon? Possibly. We then started Skyping on a regular basis and we continued to play the game in which we met at. Soon into the relationship, I found that Sarah was very mature for her age, and there was a large maturity gap between us. That started to show as I constantly annoyed her and even hurt her emotionally due to my immaturity. It started with thing such as me calling my ex hot, liking models' pictures on instagram, and watching porn regularly. She found all of this out and she was very hurt by it. Keep in mind, she sent me nudes and we even did webcam masturbation sessions on Skype, so I did not have a good reason to watch porn. Months after we started our relationship, she asked me to stop watching porn, and I did successfully for some time, but then I found myself watching more again. In July of 2016, I flew to Ohio, where she lives, and spent a few days with her before going back to California. It was amazing. We had a lot of fun, and we had really good chemistry going. There is only one problem: I had been lying to her about not watching porn, as I started watching it again. Not only that, but I continued to frustrate her with differences in maturity levels, Life went on though, and we still had great times. We would skype, play the game together and overall have a good time.
I flew to Ohio again during spring break of my senior year in April of 2016. At that time, she found a picture of a woman that I had saved on my phone that I had saved from months before and I completely forgot about it. It hurt her, and rightfully so, but we still had a good week together. Unfortunately, I still watched a couple of porn videos within the next 3 months, not a lot, but a few. I will get back to this later.
When I graduated high school, packed my stuff and moved to Ohio to live with Sarah and her parents. For the first week or 2, life was great. As tim went on however, my immaturity has gotten Sarah to the point of wanting to send me back to California. Things such as: not being able to perform basic tasks properly, playing video games instead of doing productive things (something that I instantly changed since the complaint), etc. It got to a point where she believed that I have ADHD, something I have never been diagnosed with, and after doing some extensive research, I have concluded that I do have ADHD and that I need to go to a doctor for a diagnosis, something which I am still yet to do. On top of all of that, she looked through my search history and found the searches I had made. On top of that, I did something very wrong which has haunted me ever since, and I admitted it to her: I had gone out of my way to go to one of her friend’s Instagram profile and, despite only being there for a few seconds, had gone there intentionally to look at her pictures for my pleasure. This scarred her and it still scars her to this day, but that is when I finally decided that enough is enough. I stopped looking stuff up entirely, and I made sure that I got her self esteem back up and my trust back, and it seemingly worked at times, but she would still bring up those times and how hurtful they were and still are.
On top of all of this, Sarah despises my parents - they do not get along. She thinks my parents are controlling, and that my mother is a narcissist. Sarah has anxiety and depression, and my mother at one point called Sarah crazy after an argument we had, and Sarah has never let that go. I agree with Sarah in the sense that my parents are controlling and have caused much stress upon me and Sarah. This along with my terrible decisions as mentioned above has led to a discussion between us and Sarah’s parents about me going back to California because of everything that has happened. I had already had my stuff packed, and all I needed to do was to buy a plane ticket back to California. Basically, this whole situation stemmed from my immaturity, to me stressing everyone out in the family (including Sarah’s brother, who is autistic, and does not like me at all because of my annoying character traits as well as being a little competitive when we played video games together at one point), to the stress that my family has put on Sarah and her family. Everything built up, and the next thing I know, Sarah grabs a bottle of Ibuprofen, runs to the bathroom before I can get to her, and swallows a handful of them. She then screamed for help and for someone to call 911, and I did immediately. I was with her outside and I was holding her hand and crying saying “I don’t want you to die!” She was taken to the hospital, and her mother and I were there for her the entire time. Luckily, she was okay, but she was taken to a mental health facility where she was said to be needed there for up to 72 hours. Now, here is where it gets ugly again…
That same night, right before she was taken to the mental health facility, one of the doctors said that she cannot take her cell phone with her, and that she will use the phones in the facility. Being the person I am, this went through one ear and out the other, which is another habit of mine that Sarah gets frustrated by, as it happens often. Sarah’s mother took me home, and the first thing I did was worry about Sarah, and so I sent Sarah a long wall of text showing my concern and love for her, completely unaware that she did NOT take her phone with her to the facility. The next morning, I started to unpack my stuff as we decided to give it another chance, and the first things I unpacked were my Wii and laptop from my backpack. At that moment, I remember talking to my mother, and Sarah’s mother telling me to get ready and that we were leaving in 20 minutes. So, being the person I am, I was thinking we were just visiting her. I finish the conversation with my mother, who I should not even have been talking to in the first place, and I get ready. We leave, and during the car ride, Sarah calls her mother and they talk for a bit, then I talk to Sarah and asked “Oh, you’re getting out already, nice!” despite everyone else knowing she already was. Her mother also asked me, in a disappointing manner, “Why have you not asked me about how Sarah is doing, yet?” And I answer by saying that I sent her a long text message showing my concern for her, but only then did I find out that she never even took her phone with her. After Sarah got picked up and after we returned home, Sarah saw the mess in the room, and was furious with me, saying “I just wanted to have a good time, I did not want to come home to more stress!” Days after that incident, we decided that it was truly best for me to return to California. I bought a ticket, and I packed my stuff. She deleted all of our pictures and pictures of me, she threw away everything that reminded her of me, and it all seemed to be over. I sadly obliged, and returned back to California…
Unfortunately for us, there was one more thing that happened that sealed the deal for us. We still messaged each other for a few weeks and we played the game together sometimes. I offered her a dirty session and she refused, but a few days later she offered me one, and I remember showering at the time. I came back, said I would like to do one, and she said she already did it herself. Days went by without any sort of pleasure, and I decided.. To look something up, something homosexually related (I am bicurious), and I admitted this to Sarah. She was finally fed up with me, and for days and days, she either ignored me, called me out and told me how much of a horrible person I am (which I won’t deny), or just give me remarks showing her frustration with me.
*Update* 11/22/17. Yesterday was supposed to be our 2-year anniversary, but it was very sadly cut short. Furthermore, I have been suicidal because of my mistakes as well as because of the guilt and the thought of scarring her. I have self harmed everal times while with her and while back here. I have punched myself in the face when tensions rose, I have punched myself in the arms and thighs very hard before, I have thought of starving and/or dehydrating myself but never did. I have thought of swallowing pills but never did. But now.. Today, as I am typing this, I swallowed a mouthful of mouthwash about an hour ago because of built-up tension between us, as she first sen me a bunch of pictures of “hot” girls on Instagram which I paid absolutely no attention to andam not interested at all, and she continually pressured me to admit that I like it. Then she proceeded to say that her ex was a thousand times a better of a person than me and even said that her next boyfriend will hate me, hug her and say that he’s sorry that she ever had to put up with me. At that particular moment, I lost ALL control of my emotions and actions, ran straight to the bathroom, grabbed a Listerine bottle and swallowed an entire mouthful of it. Now, I refuse to tell my parents anything and I refuse to go to the doctor, despite wanting help.
I am left with many questions at this point, and I am desperately seeking help. What do I do about my possible ADHD? What do I do to try to patch up my relationship? How can I stop being a compulsive liar? What do I do in terms of stopping these thoughts of both self harm and suicide? Sarah meant everything to me, and I really want a future with her. The thought of starting over with someone else sickens me to my stomach, and I feel like I will never be happy again, and if I am, still single.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Is anyone awake. Im crying. I can’t stop I feel so abandoned and heart broken.. again. My life is so. I don’t even want to type
|
self.depression
|
I feel like I've wasted 5 years of my life [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
i don't know if i can do this much longer I'm turning 20 in a few months but part of me feels like I won't make it to my 20th birthday. I have depression and anxiety, my mom had it, my brother has it, and even though I haven't been diagnosed, I know I have it. I've talked to my mother about it but she rode it off as me feeling sorry for myself. That being said, I've tried to talk to her (not my dad, my dad is an even bigger asshole who is nothing more than a cheating drunk) about seeing a doctor but she doesn't care. I'd go myself but I'm a student so i cant afford to without my parents insurance. My life is a mess. Right now I'm in college, pretty far behind too, I have yet to find out why I'm still in college, I don't have any goals or anything I'm just wasting money going to classes. I have told four people by this point that I am suicidal. One is my mother, who told me to suck it up and stop feeling sorry for myself because her life is worse. My only "friend," who pretty much told me the same thing, my brother who hasn't helped much, I just don't feel comfortable talking to him at all, and my ex-boyfriend (and only ever boyfriend, which we only dated for 2 months but I grew way too attached to him bc I had no one else), who broke up with me and hour or so after I told him. I don't know what to do, all I do is school and work, I have no friends, no SO, no family, no hobbies, nothing to live for. I've tried changing my mindset and trying to be positive, but that just makes it hurt even more when things only get worse. I cry myself to sleep every night and I hate how pathetic I sound, but everyone I try to talk to about this has told me to just get over it and i've tried, I really have.
I've given myself a date of Dec. 31st. If things don't get better by then I won't reach my 20's.
I'd reach out and ask someone if I could talk to them, but that won't solve anything. I've tried everything.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My evening was ... amazing. I've been in very dark thoughts but today I had dinner with some people I didn't know too well. After the dinner I was invited to hang out at a person's apartment.
 
We were three people in total who ended up going to buy candy and pastries and then eating it in the apartment. The environment was incredibly cozy and comfortable. It was difficult for me to feel these positive emotions but eventually I really felt them. I think I've properly made friends with these two people now.
 
We ended up sitting cozily in a sofa and watching sports for some reason even though none of us had any interest in it. We took some selfies and the photographs actually really captured these positive emotions.
 
It feels ... weird, like I finally feel some connection to reality in some sense. It feels real. I can't believe I've been alone for such a long time and missed out on this feeling.
|
self.depression
|
Feels like I'm never going to get "better" Like the title says, sometimes I feel like I'm never going to get better. I've been suffering for roughly 10 years with depression, self harm and suicidal thoughts. I've been suffering with anxiety for a lot longer than that. I was always the shy kid in school and it just got more intense and developed into anxiety as the years went on. It's just always been there though.
I recently started medication for depression and anxiety. About 10 weeks ago. I'm not sure if the suicidal thoughts have gotten worse in that time. Maybe more intense? I'm really not sure. I'm very visual so when I get the thoughts, it's often with an image in my head of what I would do. And I'm just so tired of it. It's exhausting having to fight it to the point where I want to give up sometimes. And what's the point in fighting it if I'm not going to get better? I'm always going to have some form of mental illness. It's never going to go away completely but that's what I want. I just want to be well. I don't even know what that is but I want it so bad and I'm never going to get it.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Male with low self esteem issues. I now fear I am a bad person after all. Need some help. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I hate living in America. I hate it here so much I desperately pray that Dick secretly wanted to bring me back to Germany to meet his little brother, being that he's married with children and all. I hate it here so much you can't take back the fact that that Russian woman's legs were slashed and she bled to death and her mom now lives in denial that they ever came to this place in the first way. I hate it here so much I don't even know how to get out of here.
|
self.offmychest
|
Looking like the end of the road for me... [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I've already accepted I'm probably going to attempt suicide again I'm not actively suicidal right now, but I've come to accept that I'll probably do it again. Things aren't getting better and if they don't I'll go to even more extreme measures than the last couple of attempts. It'll probably be at least 6 months away, most likely longer, but I already know it's going to happen.
I'm tired and pissed off about everything. I've come to accept that I'm a born loser and this is the life I'm damned to. Stuck inside this awful prison of flesh that is my body and doomed to this horrible dissociative feeling, and never being strong enough to claw my way back out of this hole.
|
self.depression
|
I want to die That's all I want... Just to be dead... I just want to kill myself, I don't want to be around here anymore. I hate it here... Why can't I just be dead?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
How do you say something to your SO without hurting their feelings? So my BF and I have been together for 4 years now. We both come from previous troubled relationships and feel very lucky to have meet each other but here is my deal….I am the principal at a small university and the coordinator of a really big one. I regularly have to attend social events for my work. I am a laid back… more of a sweatpants and t-shirt person, but for those types of events I usually dress up. I see it as part of my job to be presentable and clean at all times. Him on the other side…he is a sweatpants and t-shirt person all the time, he won’t buy new jeans until the one he has are completely torn and by then they are already badly stained of our Sunday night bbq ribs .
I want him to come with me when I have a social event in which we are allowed to bring our family but I am also a little embarrassed to show him to my boss and students. I in no way want to tell him how to dress but I feel like some occasions call for a little dressing up.
I want to talk to him about it but I don’t want to hurt his feelings.
|
self.offmychest
|
Does anyone else daydream about suicide and wonder how would the funeral look like and what would be the reactions?
|
self.depression
|
Anybody else want to just cry, but can't? It's terrible feeling. I want to cry, just let it out, but I can't. It feels like my soul is crying, but i just physically can't get it out. It's like I'm stuck with this pain forever and am not allowed to at least alleviate it in a way. I... just can't explain it... I just hope someone understands...
|
self.depression
|
Mom has been struggling after an attempt My mother attempted suicide about six months ago but she’s been depressed for years and has turned to alcoholism for many of those years. As her daughter, living in another state, I would have conversations with her on the phone, most of which were her being really drunk and I would tell her positive things about her life to be happy about and to reflect on. I, myself, struggle with depression so I’ve been telling her to get help from a professional because obviously I’m not a pro and usually what I say to her is forgotten the next day. It’s been tough since her attempt as my dad is asking for a divorce, my brother moved away with his girlfriend and I’ve been living away for some years now. But years before her attempt, we have been asking her to get help. Now six months later she’s still at home, constantly drinking the day away and chain smoking in the backyard with her self damaging thoughts and no matter how much I try to encourage her or ask, even plead for her getting help, it’s not happening. I know addiction and depression cannot be solved overnight and has taken some individuals years to fully recover but I’m just looking for the first step for her. Or at least to direct her. However, we can’t help her if she can’t help herself and I don’t know what to do at this point.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't know what to do, any help is needed. I can barley type this message my hands are shaking so bad so I apologize if make a mistake.
I don't know if I'm allowed to post this here but I don't know what to really do anymore and I don't have anyone to talk to. I've had depression for a few years but recently suicidal thoughts are the only thing I can think of and tonight its gotten so much worse. Can anyone help me? I don't know if I'm allowed to post things like this and If I'm not, I'm terribly sorry. I'm just kind of lost and don't know what to do.
|
self.depression
|
I use binge-reading as an unhealthy way to escape reality and my anxiety. I haven’t read a book in a month, guys 💪🏼
|
self.Anxiety
|
I miss having friends and a future to look up to [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I thought my depression was gone but it wasn't (rant) Ever since Schools holidays (and the weeks leading up to school holidays) i began to feel pretty good like really really good. I was happy about my friendships,school, holidays and everything. I saw my therapist and she noticed I was feeling much better and we aren't seeing each other until school is back. But for some reason I've began to feel really shit for the past few days. In this time I've been binge watching the Tv show please like me which is now is inevitably coming to an end which is making me feel worse. In combination with this one of my best friends just left to go to Spain on exchange for a year and my other close friend is in Vietnam and the other is on holiday somewhere else and my other close friend lives in fucking England. I haven't had a episode in a while and I'm slowly realising that I'm having one now and I don't fucking want it. I thought my depression was better and so was my anxiety and I guess they are but I feel like such a failure now I'm having another episode. I want to be happy but now I'm not and I don't know what to do
P.s sorry for this pointless rant i just have no one to talk to and wanted to go on about how shit I feel even though I know others are much worse off
|
self.depression
|
It's my birthday today And it's also almost 7 years since my suicide attempt. It's been slow going but I'm finally in therapy.
I won't let depression rule my life anymore.
|
self.depression
|
I just can't anymore Right now it feels like everything is too much.
My dad is moving away, or well, he already did I guess. 600km away from me, with his wife, building a house. He is leaving me, again. He barely talks to me, barely calls or texts. Every time I reach out we talk but only briefly because he is busy doing this or that or working.
I don't feel like I am part of his life anymore and that hurts. We barely see each other now, where he lives / lived in the same town. We saw each other maybe once every three months. Now that he moves so far away....I can be lucky to see him once a year.
I am lonely.
I have my mom, I have work and awesome coworkers. But I don't really have friends. At least none that live close by.
My sisters live in different cities, one of them doesn't talk to my mom. I am always in between chairs. I am always trying to fix things that cannot be fixed.
Almost 4 weeks ago my cat vanished. He is just gone. No one saw him. Until tonight. I got a call that someone saw him, rushed over to the address and searched for him in the dark and rain but I didn't find him.
He's my baby, he means so much more to me than him just being a pet. He is my everything. And I miss him so damn much.
I feel so lonely without him. And I don't want to feel all that pain and sadness anymore. I want to get out of this phase, I want to feel normal. But it feels like I am drowning in sorrow with no way out.
Please just come back. I know someone kept you and made you think you live there. But I love you and miss you and I need you. Please come back. Please.
|
self.offmychest
|
Being surrounded by happy people during the countdown was agonizing It was like a big fucking slap to the face. A reminder of how fucking depressed and hopeless I am compared to the rest of my family members. Had to go outside and walk for a bit because I didn't want anyone to see me break down.
Idk if I'll still be here for 2019 New Year's Eve, but if I am, I really hope things will be different.
If you guys also had a shitty New Year's Eve, I'm really sorry because I know how much it fucking sucks.
Hope things get better for you this year.
*sending virtual panda hugs*
|
self.depression
|
I feel so uncomfortable right now Oh my goodness. I don't remember the last time I've felt this uncomfortable.
I'm out with my boyfriend and his friends. There's 5 of them total and then there's me. They've been best friends since middle school so they're all talking amongst themselves and laughing around. I'm literally sitting here in the corner on a couch and finding things to scroll through on my phone trying to keep busy. My anxiety is really getting the best of me right now and I really don't know what to do. I feel extremely uncomfortable. I now wish I didn't come out and just stayed at home in my bed, my safe spot.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Welbutrin and sucky sex Do any of you taking welbutrin, of any dose and frequency, notice that sex just isn't good or as good anymore?
|
self.bipolar
|
i know what i have to do to get better; however, i don’t have the motivation nor concentration to do it anybody in the same boat?:(
|
self.depression
|
People are too fucking fake Idk maybe I just feel this way because I'm socially awkward as fuck and really, really hate having to play a part in order to be my "best self" for others to see (and also really bad at it), but idk when I talk to people I feel like I'm constantly questioning the authenticity of how others treat me and each other. It's bullshit. I feel like nobody is real. Maybe I feel that way because I'm awful at talking to people and when people get uncomfortable that's when theh start to get fake so I just experience it more. Idk.
|
self.depression
|
I'm so angry at everything, need to vent Ok, so this is basically just to vent, but i've been feeleng so angry for like 2 or 3 days, first there is this new psychiatrist I tried, and I explained to him that 2 others psy think I'm bipo, that AD make it all worse, guess what he try to prescribe to me ? See you never fucko
And there are all these people I think of as friends but it seem like they're more interested in yelling at each other than to help their peers (I won't even talk about *phobic, they don't even deserve a thought)
And there is dysphoria, cause the cashier at the grocery store kept on calling me sir, ok I'm not really the feminine type but still, don't try and guess if it means misgendering me
And urgh I'm so angry and I hate peoples and me and I thought I was starting to feel a little better but no, I'm tired of this bullshit.
|
self.bipolar
|
I bought an electric keyboard. At $500, it's a significant purchase, but I don't regret it in the least.
I played piano for 11 years and it is how I channeled my manic energy so, so many times as a kid, never realizing what I was really doing, and I got good. Like actually, self taught good.
And now I can revisit that without the hassle of moving a $20,000 Grand or a $10,000 baby Grand piano. I have a full keyboard, all 88 keys, with two headphone jacks so I don't bother my boyfriend if he's sleeping and I want to practice, with a sustain pedal, with a music stand, and my friend gave me a book full of songs from tons of my favorite composers, and my muse, Fréderic Chopin.
I'm happy, I'm grateful, and I just got done furiously hammering out Brahms Hungarian Dance #5. I grew up with that song via old cartoons and I've always loved it, so to be able to recreate it now... Fuck I'm happy. ❤️
|
self.bipolar
|
I made a decision to create a fake Instagram account, and it's hurt me. NOTE: I used this Instagram account to post a meme, and did not assume the identity of anyone else nor did I use any photos of people.
-----
I have an interest in this guy, so I decided to follow his Instagram with a fake meme account one I made. I don't know why I didn't make a real one in retrospect, but I'm not going to take the chance of making a second one with my true identity because that would look even more suspicious, right?
I see why I stay away from social media. I made a decision that probably made him view me as a creep.
I created an instagram account, and tried to post some jokes, because I wanted him to think I was funny. It was my attempt at communication, under disguise. It was stupid in retrospect and I won't ever do it again. But honestly, I want to know what I can do to fix this, because I don't want him to view me in a weird way. I just wanted to be closer to him.
I'm depressed on this issue.
|
self.depression
|
The only reason I haven’t jumped in front of the train is because they have this barrier stopping me and I don’t want to ruin the day of the conductor and the passengers. God I’m such a pussy.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
having to do things i can't just stay in bed because society expects me to do things, i can't stay and be no one, i have to go out and talk to people and all i want to do is not do anything because nothing is worth it. i felt good today and now i feel like total shit. i want to cry but can't because there's people around, i hate not knowing what's causing this, i hate not being able to control it, i hate feeling like i'm faking everything, i hate having to do things.
|
self.depression
|
I'm tired of suffering. I don't know if anyone's heard of the book "I Have No Mouth and I Must Scream." Now hold on, I'm getting somewhere with this. In this book there are five people who are endlessly tortured by a computer. I'm too lazy to look up the rest of the plot, but I know at the end four of them are mercy killed. The remaining guy is transformed into a fleshy blob that is forever tortured and unable to kill himself.
I've been feeling like that fleshy blob lately. Except I can kill myself. I'm tortured by bad things that happen constantly in my life. Two days ago, I found out that my grandpa is dying. Today I found out my mom's cousin got breast cancer for the second time. The university my mom goes to is being taken over by right-wing students who want to get all the left-wing teachers fired. My dad has been yelling at me for pointless reasons. (Although he's probably pretty emotional since my grandpa is dying.) Plus I'm a depraved bisexual who can't seem to find anyone to date.
I really want to die and stop suffering. I don't really care if I go to the afterlife or I just lie there in the ground. I just want my life to end so I don't have to deal with this pain anymore. I can't tell my parents I'm suicidal because they will call the police on me if I do. I can't go to the hospital because we can't afford it.
Is there any reason for me to live?
(Also please don't send religious stuff to me. I'm already fuzzy when it comes to religion and doing that really doesn't help.)
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Anybody suffer automatic thoughts? I've had them for as long as I can remember and it's spoiled my quality of life quite severely.
They often happen without any doing on my part. I get ones a lot about my dad. I often get these scenarios in my head where we're fighting. When I'm alone, sometimes I say things aloud in anger and aggression. Then I realise what I'm actually doing and I feel so disgusted and embarrassed with myself for letting them affect me in that way.
I read affirmations daily and try to fix my conscious state of mind, but I feel like it's fixed nothing. They tend to get progressively worse to the point where suicidal thoughts start to kick in. Because they render me into thinking there's no out of it. I wanted therapy but the waiting list lasts almost a year and I couldn't bring myself to go to group therapy. I also don't want to take any prescription medication because I've had a bad experience with them in the past.
Any advice would be great.
|
self.depression
|
Worried about my boyfriend's mum hey guys, i have diagnosed OCD which is an anxiety disorder so of course naturally i would be more anxious than the average person
so i (17F) have been with my boyfriend (17M) for a year and 3 months now. he is the most wonderful guy i've met
his mum however.... is the most unstable person i've ever met. mentally, financially, physically... yeah. every aspect of her life is unstable, basically. she's fucked off and they haven't heard from her in months and have absolutely no idea of where she is. this isn't the first time this has happened, she's gone missing for 3 years before they found her in a city 5 hours away by accident. found out she had a child with man who she got together with again recently after a decade. my boyfriend's younger sister
anyway, that man. we got a call from my boyfriend's mum's friend today and he has died from a heroin overdose. my boyfriend's younger sister doesn't know yet (he has two half sisters (same mum, different dads) and he and them both live with her nan in healthy safe environment) i didn't think my boyfriend's mum's life could get any more shit than this, and i am very worried for her health. she used to be a full on drug addict and took many different kinds of drugs including heroin over a decade ago, and has been back on it for 3 months (the last time we heard from her). her body is absolutely fucked up - due to being poor, she never ate so she would starve, she has always been an alcoholic btw so any money she would spend would go on that, not food. she had a kidney infection earlier this year from all the drinking she does
anyway, this scares me a lot. what if his mum dies? that will really fuck my boyfriend up. she's back on heroin, and she already had so much heroin, alcohol and many other drug damage done to her... i'm so anxious, what if she dies? my boyfriend will not take it well mentally. i'm so scared for both of them, and the rest of his family...
|
self.Anxiety
|
Have you ever been so Manic that... Have you ever been so manic that you thought you were on a mission from God? Have you ever been so manic that you waited all night and morning for Circuit City (a now defunct electronics store) to open and then spent $4000 in one day even though you made $5/hour? Have you ever been so manic that you drove cross country intending to end up in Missouri but instead headed south in Colorado and ended up in Golden, New Mexico because you saw a license plate that said "New Mexico...The land of enchantment" and thought well that's the place for me? Have you ever been so manic and paranoid that you thought every bum on the street was some Angel watching you for God or have talked to strangers because you "felt" their goodness and thought they were placed there just for you? If you have done crazy stuff like that then you might be like me and welcome to my journey through Type I Bipolar Disorder. If you are a Type II mostly depressed and have little to no mania then I have no frame of reference to you and I feel bad for you because life as a sad sack when you don't want to be a sad sack must really suck and I hope you make it. I really truly do. Please don't kill yourself its the most selfish act a human being can commit but I understand if your head is telling you otherwise. Call a suicide hotline first, or your doctor, or someone you love and tell on yourself please.
I have a good job, am a medical professional in a high stress environment, make $120,000/year, own a home, and am a good father to my 10 year old son who I pray doesn't have this illness also. I know sometimes it skips generations so I hope it skips him because its no fun. Below are some rules I set aside for MYSELF that might be useful to others as well. My first hospitalization was in 1993 and my last hospitalization was in 1996 and I have survived, been successful, and want to share with you how I did it when I was told I wouldn't be more than a janitor and that I should get a little room somewhere and live out my life and take a shitload of meds for the rest of my life. Yes someone in psychiatry, not a doctor, said that.
I was given the diagnosis "Type I Bipolar with mood congruent psychotic features, severe". Which of course I denied because I was manic, paranoid, and how could I be bipolar? No one in my family is bipolar. Which I found out later wasn't true. I was 19, in the Navy, on a ship in the middle of the south china sea, scared, paranoid, and a doctor/lieutenant commander walked up to me and said "Petty officer Smith (not my real name), 90% of all bipolars say they aren't bipolar." To which I replied "Well thats a nice inescapable loop you have me caught in this is all bullshit!" I was placed in a little room with a bunk and a table and they put a sign that said Dangerous patient do not enter on the door. I'm not a violent person, paranoid yes, but I never hurt anyone during my hospitalizations even though some probably deserved it. I'm 43 years old currently. Ok now to the rules for MYSELF:
I had to SURRENDER. I and you possibly by now have a doctor, been caught on my first manic adventure hopefully didn't end up in jail or addicted to drugs or badly injured. I have to listen to my doctor work with them, make my appointments, be honest with my doctor about how I feel, tell him what side effects of my medication I am having and how they effect my daily life and put my trust in them because they went to medical school for 12 years then residency and then became my doctor somewhere after all that and my doctors know what they are talking about and if they don't they have other doctors who are older than they are who can guide them and consult with them. My doctor should be supportive and caring so if my doctor is jaded or just a dick its perfectly fine to find one that is a good fit for me. I currently have a doctor who is great, knowledgeable, caring, empathetic, thorough, looks up what she doesn't know or asks someone who does know if she doesn't know something. That's not alot to ask after all that schooling I don't think, right?
I go to a psychiatrist because I have a psychiatric problem, I don't listen to bob the stoner who tells me weed will cure me, and I don't listen to my trainer who tells me that some mushrooms have been known to lift depression, I listen to my doctor and I take my medicine as prescribed.
2. Medications are tricky and I need to be introspective to check myself before I wreck myself (yes I know its an ice cube song but it applies). I need to see how my medications are effecting me and look at my moods and ups and downs honestly and determine if its the meds making me feel this way or what and to report all weird feelings like itchiness, skin rashes, dizzyness, tremors, drunken feelings, increased depression or otherwise to my doctor right away. Sometimes if I am acutely ill I might have to take multiple medications at once in order to break my manic spell and I might need to be hospitalized so I don't end up going on a journey or ending up in jail. I take Lamictal 200mg at night and a small melatonin pill that is 3mg also at night but there have been times where I have been on five meds at once and so sick that I could barely follow the regime like I said medications are tricky.
3. Its nobody's fucking business that I am bipolar. There is a terrible stigma in society toward our kind and I don't need to go disclosing to my coworkers and all my friends that I am bipolar because its none of their business. I have had some out of control mania and my closest friends already know because I had probably tried to recruit them into my manic thinking processes and they might have tried to talk some sense of reason into me before I left on my manic voyage. But I made mistakes the hard way and ended up in the hospital a few times before realizing I must surrender. I don't need ignorant random outsiders or coworkers asking me "are you okay?", or "did you take your medication?", or "are you feeling a little manic today?" It just pisses me off and if I'm sick they definitely aren't making me well like that. I just need to keep it between my doctor and I and a few very close friends who know me and who I trust to tell me that I'm not okay when I'm not okay, OKAY.
4. I have to get enough sleep. Sleep is very important to the brain of a manic type Bipolar and if I don't get enough sleep I can feel the hypomanic ideas start to flow. At one point during my life after diagnosis I thought that alcohol was a good sleeping medication which led to pitiful and incomprehensible demoralization and I have been sober for 15 years now which leads me to my next rule.
5. I don't try to treat myself with substances like alcohol or drugs. If I'm manic drinking isn't going to be as effective as my medication and alcoholism is a progressive illness that gets worse never better. If I were depressed I'm not going to turn to meth to make me feel better. Marijuana is an ambition killer and unless my ambition is to sit on the couch and watch cartoons all day, which its not, I'm staying away from that and no amount of weed studies are going to convince me otherwise so please spare me your bullshit if you are one of those people. I have a doctor I have a stable life and I'm 43 now and going to keep it that way.
6. I have to eat right, too much sugar and fast foods will not only make me greesy and fat but will also make me depressed and my moods all over the place which is no bueno. I need to drink water and stay hydrated too.
7. Exercise and the sun. I need to stay fit, exercise daily and get some sun. Sun makes me feel good its natural and helps my overall moods. I'm writing this post after I took a hike with my sons cub scout pack and it put me in a good mood. Exercise whether it be running, swimming, or weight lifting, just breaking a sweat helps my mood.
8. I have to stay connected to something bigger than myself, but I know that for me hyperreligiousity is a real danger so simple prayer and meditation work for me. I stay away from religious doctrine because in the past when I have had the inclination to become a messenger from God that wasn't really a messenger from God I was just having a bad manic episode which took me on a mission. Like my friend James (RIP James) once said when I was manic and quoting bible verses, "Why do all crazy people carry around a bible?" My bible stays on the shelf and I pray at night with my son and I thank god for all I have and silently for my sanity.
9. I have to be social and stay connected to a group which encourages me to be better than I am. For me one of those groups is AA, another is this group, another is single fathers groups, and my close small circle of friends. Human connection keeps me grounded and makes me happy.
10. My father once told me "don't be afraid to have a family and a child, he or she might not be a manic depressive like you.", I hope that's true. For me being a parent has been a fulfilling experience. It didn't work out with his mom and I have learned a lot from the relationship I had with his mom but I am cautious about whom I date nowadays and make sure they aren't more broken than me. "Birds of a feather flock together" is one of those sayings psychiatrists ask you what it means to see if you are psychotic or not. To me it means if I'm not doing well mentally I might attract someone else who isn't doing well mentally either and in my own experience two wrongs don't make a right.
Those are the rules I have for myself and I'm sure there's more but this post is already falling under the TLDR category.
If you had the patience to read this let me know what you think, and if you need some help with bipolar disorder and would like to talk I'm not your doctor but I'm a guy who has been dealing with this illness and somehow survived and have lived a full and successful life so far IMO. Feel free to message me, because unlike my name states I do care.
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm such a failure at life that I couldn't even join a sports team today because of social anxiety. Starting to seriously consider I'm just not cut out for living. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I consider myself dead I consider myself dead and waiting for the afterlife. I'm 29 and have no friends. I try to get the motivation to do something but it won't ever happen. I'm not attractive enough to get a girlfriend.
So each day I just sleep a lot and hope I will eventually die of old age at like 80 or 90 years old.
I'm too afraid to kill myself, I can only handle it if I die of old age or natural causes. I accept that I will live a lonely life till I'm dead.
But I am optimistic about the universe and the afterlife. I think the universe gets better with time. I love being me and thank god for that. But I'm ready for death right now, so I sleep till I eventually die of natural causes.
I guess the main thing is I consider myself dead just waiting to go to a place better than heaven.
I mean I live a life the rich do. I got all the music rich people do, all the movies rich people do, all the sexual experiences rich people have. Porn is basically the same as sex with a real person.
I'm too afraid to kill myself earlier. Make no mistake that life is hard but the universe is infinite. I will live forever. I just consider myself dead right now. Waiting for what happens after death.
I'll just live at my parents house till I die and never work. I get disability, so I have some spending money.
I look at all the people working and realize they are totally different than me, they have different free will. Maybe I am lucky to have given up. I mean if you look at it, I am no sadder than a rich celeb.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I could write a lot I could write a lot, I could talk about all the traumas I've lived, emotionally, sexually.. I could write hundred pages about what's wrong with me. But what's the point? No one comments on it or gives a fuck anyways.
I'm not okay. I've not been okay for the past 7 years. It's bad. I'm in constant pain. I can't stop thinking about what I could've accomplis and the things I could enjoy and the things I could create, if my mental condition wasn't bad.
I think about my childhood. Happy, full of energy, full of creativity, naive, pure, good.
Now I look at myself.. I hate the expression on my face. That dull, dirty, low expression.
People say to me, "You look so.... fainted? Drunk? Stoned?"
I hate myself;
It's because the burden I have to carry weighs down my eyelids.
|
self.depression
|
I'm pessimistic I have n oreason to be positive. Life sucks. Its all about work work work and more work till you die. But it doesnt pay off, most people stay poor. Life simply sucks. Why should i stay positive? About what? There is nothing positive in the world. The World sucks and life sucks. Simply as that.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Just discovered I might be bipolar and first meds (lamictal) hello everyone. first of all happy new year of all of you.
I have been in a pysch ward since 4 months because I felt really lost in life. it's a nice creative place where they don't encourage medications, I was not taken any until 3 days ago.
the psychiatrist prescribed a mood stabilisator since I had intense mood swings which could change in a day from crying about the beauty of life to feeling complete suicidal (I never did an attempt though). I started now with 25mg Lamictal and I must say on Saturday I felt an immediate result.
I felt more grounded and a bit more positive, enthusiastic to start things, which is crazy good!
When I was 15 I had my first depression. I remember now those years after that depression I had months feeling really good and then one month or more utter depression, out of the blue.
Since a year these swings became shorter, from day to day, but also more intense. I experimented a lot with drugs in 2016 also psychedelics and this really changed my views on the world.
Anyways, for me the puzzle fits, I don't like diagnosis and they will not give me one here, but I think I am leaning to the spectrum of bipolar. I hope this medication keeps working like it instantly does and I can keep benefiting from it.
Hello everyone and once again happy new year :-)
|
self.bipolar
|
I need to be touched nonsexually so bad it actually hurts [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Suicidal thoughts Been feeling down since I was 13 im now 18 and about to fail my 1st year in gymnasium for the 3rd time due to not attending class.
Today was the first time I felt suicidal while crying in bed. I just dont see the point in life anymore.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Attempted today. Again. Attempted 2 times in the past week, both by hanging, backed out both times. Hasn’t really sunk in yet.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Funny how people change when they see the real sides of major depression. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I dropped out of high school and I’m too stupid at math to get my GED That’s all
|
self.depression
|
It's a daily struggle to not relapse My boyfriend who I gave my whole self to of two years dumped me in October. Since then I've been seriously trying to focus on getting over him and loving myself. Before I even go into what I've been doing, I need to give some background into just how important he was to me and how absolutely unexpected it was at the time.
.
.
I grew up in a heavily domestic violent household and have been dealing with DIAGNOSED depression, anxiety, PTSD, and through that and moving out of that situation, he was there. Whenever things would get scary, I would go to his house. He saved my life July 7th 2016 when he picked me up right after my dad had pointed a gun at me (Everything legally has been handled, I am safe and the situation has been handled by police and lawyers). He took care of me and he was the only person I opened up to about it. He was my first everything. This guy would reassure me that he loved me and I have NOTHING to worry about in regards to our relationship. I was self conscience about my body and somehow I opened up to him and trusted him enough to let intimate things happen. Anyways, over the phone one day he told me that he wanted to cut things off. At the time I didn't expect this at all and I was absolutely floored. I cried for a week straight, didn't sleep or eat, I would cut myself in the bathroom often, and I had no idea of how to handle it.
((((more background: Mom and siblings were on the other side of the country and at that point I hadn't seen them in a YEAR because we fled from my father. I've been bouncing from household to household before moving to a college dorm, handling the weight of leaving my dad on my own. I lost a lot of friends because they didn't understand why I was reserved and overwhelmed with sadness from leaving my abusive father. I've had eating disorders for years and have been gaining a lot of weight at that point, furthering my self hatred.)))
The only person I felt I had, the one who I trusted the MOST practically ripped out my heart and took a dump into my open chest. When this happened, I had felt ABSOLUTELY alone and disgusting. Being overweight (I'm 5'7 and was probably 200lbs), boy short hair, ugly oversized teeth with a gap, a beak-like nose, and having lost everyone, I take it out on myself. Was I the problem? AM I the problem? .
.
.
.
Now dieting, excerizing and running, and trying to move on I STILL after 5 months the break up, have issues of maintaining everything. I'm not losing weight fast enough, whats the point? These healthy foods make me feel good, but they don't taste as good as chocolate ice cream. I'm still ugly with my messed up face, even if I lose weight. He's probably doing just fine. He probably feels a lot better without me. He's moving on fine, and I still lay awake at night crying!!! I need to glow up as a middle finger to him! I want to do it for me!
I don't know what I'm looking for here. I WANT TO GET BETTER! I WANT TO MOVE ON! How do I do this? How do you deal with self hatred and how do you get over it? How do I get over him? How do I forgive myself for allowing this to happen?
I have a lot of baggage and I'm looking to CLAIM it honeyyyyyyyyyy. Wow I'm miserable.
|
self.depression
|
I so badly want to tell my friend about my depression. I have a friend that also has depression, they actually attempted suicide over the summer (I just found out). I want to tell her I have depression so badly but she recently stopped talking to me.
|
self.depression
|
Just starting Sertraline/zoloft - Alcholol questions (soz for poor title spelling)
I searched the sub already and people's reports on here were all really helpful!
My doctor told me to start on 50mg but based on what I read (and my nerves, ironically) I've started on 25mg and going to work up to 50 next week (the leaflet in the box also suggests this). I have taken my first dose today in the evening as some people said it makes them feel sleepy, but I'm just aware of this pattern as I'm often out drinking several nights a week at work events, including tomorrow. Probably a silly question, but is it a bad idea for me to take it while out drinking? Particularly on the first week? Should I take it the following morning instead? I don't want the spacey feeling while I'm at work during the day.
I want to take them properly but I also don't really want to stop drinking, I'm 21 so it's a pretty frequent occurrence with my friends and at social gatherings.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Scared of meds side effects Extremely depressed at the moment. Am prescribed lithium but stopped taking it after a week when I was starting to feel weird vibrations every 3 seconds in my left foot. I know I need something, but im thinking lithium may be too harsh. Am I wrong or should i just make another appointment for some different meds. Sorry, im pretty lost and very indecisive due to the depression.
|
self.bipolar
|
Update on son and mood So I was up at 2am and I'm still going strong. My son has an above average IQ and is testing at or above grade level is math, reading, and writing. He shows no signs of social or psychological problems.
He does have a mild case of ADHD. I'm devastated even though it was mostly good news. I just wish he didn't have to struggle with this. We got a lot of advice for coping strategies and I'm about to go binge on books.
We are choosing no drugs at this point because it is mild and we can hopefully teach him coping skills. He is only 12.
I'm also on a huge project at work that I had to step away from for this meeting. My director wants something for our testing tomorrow so after family time I'm going back to working.
Another thing is my husband's car needs a $4000 repair. Boo!!!
|
self.bipolar
|
Is this another byproduct of depression or something else? I look different to myself every day. Some days way more mature and sharp, others I look girly and young.. others I look angry and dirty, some maybe I look cheerful and youthful..
What the fuck I swear I look like a different person any other day and I’m too scared to ask anyone if my appearance shifts dramatically depending on the day
|
self.depression
|
Have any of you gone on medical leave in the middle of getting a higher education? How did it go for you? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
just another one of those 'depressed teenagers' Feels extremely wrong writing here for some odd reason. Anyways, since grade 6 , or age 10 ( I think that's the right grade) there has rarely a day that's passed where I haven't thought about killing myself. It started out with my parents divorcing and then everything's gone in a spastic downhill spiral from there. I'm only in grade 10 now - and I know what you're thinking, teenagers don't know what genuine emotions are, everyone goes through it, they'll forget about it, but I just don't see how it ever gets better with a self-destructive mind like mine. Anyways, I digress. Every time I think about how I started self-harming at 11, it disgusts me out. I've been clean for 2 years, but I relapsed yesterday because I am an idiot, admittedly. I tried to tell a good friend today that everything takes too damn much out of me and it's wearing me down, but they didn't even say anything back, just turned and talked to another friend. Nobody takes me seriously, because I'm the funny one who makes everyone laugh. Cliche reason, but it's honestly so true, and if nobodies willing to listen I know it won't end well for me.
There's so much more I want to say but my brain isn't able to form proper thoughts - apologies if none of this made any sense.
|
self.offmychest
|
I am at my end. I don't think there's any reason for me to live on. My parents hate me, especially my mom, who, for some reason, loves yelling at me and reminding me that I'm a failure. My sibling hate me, I don't know why. I don't have any real friends, because who wants to be friends with an emo 14 year old? Worst of all, I'm grounded, so I can't talk to my girlfriend who lives hundreds of miles away from me. I just want to end myself already. Maybe then, people will care about me.
I'm not attractive. A 3/10 on my good days. I tried to get a haircut to make myself look better, but my barber messed me up. My head now looks like Dr. Robotnik's. I get bullied at school already. People make fun of me because I'm visibly depressed. On the first day of this school year, my first day at that school, somebody said to me "Notice how nobody loves you. Your mom dropped you as a kid. Do us a favour and kill yourself already.". It's gotten worse from there. I get hit, put in chokeholds and pushed to the ground on a daily basis. Because of my haircut, things will get worse now.
I can't kill myself, though. I promised my girlfriend when we first got together that I would see her smile in person one day. I don't know if I can keep it. I don't know what to do anymore.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Self Care Sunday! Post Your Self Care Plans Here! Welcome to Self-care Sunday! Post your plans for self care here. I'll post mine in the comments.
|
self.bipolar
|
I am alone and feel like I have no other options [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Cat died... never felt so depressed in my life [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Lost everyone because I reached out for help. Can't cope with these feelings anymore. Started drinking after work today. Went home, alone and sat with myself. Never really have done well being drunk alone. As much as I love time to myself, once I have a few drinks, I start getting depressed. Tried to hit up some friends to see if someone would come hang out with me. Fell pretty hard pretty fast once everyone said they were busy. I usually avoid facebook but for some reason once I'm drunk, I start looking at it, and it almost always without fail makes my depression worse. Saw a post that said something like " think of all the things that have changed in your life since last november!" The answer hit me like a train: nothing. Sure, I switched jobs, but from one deadbeat job to another, the only difference is that it's not *quite* as soul crushing cause I like my coworkers. But it's still fucking deadbeat restaurant work, when I can think back to five, ten years ago and how I used to tell myself that this work was only temporary and I was in school trying to formulate some sort of path to something more meaningful. Yet, five, ten years later...still here. Still doing nothing. No hobbies to speak of, no goals achieved, barely making ends meet still, nothing.
I've had depression and anxiety my whole life. I didn't know what to call it when I was younger and only in recent years have become honest with myself about how bad it is. Because...I've always felt this way. I thought this was normal. This crushing feeling like you are a disappointment to everyone around you and that you have nothing to give anyone to be proud of. That's normal in my eyes. I've always felt it. It's only recently I started realizing that that's not what happiness is. Just swallowing that lump in your throat and going about your day isn't happiness.
I recently tried to tell my closest friends about these suicidal ideations I have. After a particulary bad one where I was drinking after work (familiar story) and on the way home started planning how I was gonna kill myself and how I was gonna text my boyfriend "don't come home. call the police first." so that he didn't have to be the one to find my dead body, sudden insight came to me like an act of god and a voice inside me said, "you have to tell someone about these thoughts. Someone has to know." So I texted my girl friends group chat, the 3 best friends I've had for many many years and we've helped each other through all kinds of horrible things and have always been there for each other. I texted them and told them I've been having suicidal thoughts. I wasn't in a completely coherent mind and my texts were not exactly making sense. They all sprung in to whatever action they could do. They were all at work, but one of them (who has been suicidal herself) said fuck work and just left and came to me. She sat with me and just let me cry and talk, even though I wasn't making much sense. She told me her own stories about calling the suicide hotline and her own struggles. I slowly started to feel better and we planned to go to group therapy together. I thought for a second I wasn't a freak. That it was okay, that there was a way out of this. My friends could help. And then another friend got off of work, came to my house, and I guess in her mind was gonna ride in on her white horse and fix everything *right this second*. And her approach kind of freaked me out in the state of mind I was in and I became very reluctant to her demanding questions and she started getting more and more impatient the more I withdrew from her overwhelming need to fix me RIGHT NOw. She started belittling me, screaming at me, was ANGRY with me. She even pestered me with questions of WHY WHY WHY DO YOU FEEL THIS WAY? NO REASON? THERE HAS TO BE A REASON? And then finally when she insisted I get therapy and I said "yeah, but I have no money" and she misheard me and started yelling at me "No BODY? YOU HAVE NO BODY?! LOOK WHAT WE'VE ALL DONE FOR YOU?!" And I waited for her to stop yelling and then calmly said, "that's not what I said. I said I have no money." And then she freaked out and went crazy and tried to smash my glass coffee table in rage and shrieked at me "are you kidding me?! Are you fucking kidding me?! Cause you have no money?!" It was at this point my boyfriend kicked her out and I immediately went into a very intense panic attack, the worst I have ever experienced. I just could not wrap my head around what I had did wrong. Speaking out to my friends and telling the truth about what was going on with me resulted in this anger. She had never once been angry at me, but me reaching out to them for help produced this kind of rage. It took forever for me to calm down and regain any kind of coherence. But I knew. The minute she smashed that cup on to my coffee table with all her might, I knew the devastating truth. My friendships were ruined. Nothing would ever be the same. And so the girls I had been friends with forever were broken up. I got a very half assed apology from her the next day through text, one were she made it very clear that she was angry at me. For what, I still don't know. Asking for help from those closest to me? Did she think I was faking it for attention? Is that what made her angry? I still don't know. But my first friend who had come to me...well, she was my saving grace that night, but somehow remained friends with the angry girl, even though she witnessed the whole event. And has never hung out with me since, never did try to group therapy with me, though she will at the very least answer my texts (though not always). And I can't understand why she distanced herself from me when we spent the whole night relating to each other's depressive states.
So now I'm completely alone. Can't turn to friends. They don't exist anymore. My one solitary act of trying to reach out for help from the people who I trusted the most in my most desperate hour backfired on me and produced a kind of rage towards me that I have never experienced before. I'm too afraid to reach out again. But I still have those thoughts. They didn't go away just because I finally told someone about them. And now I don't think I'll ever tell anyone again. I'll just let it fester until it gets so bad that thoughts turn into action. I'll spend more nights in a ball in the shower wishing that I would just spontaneously die there because I don't even have enough energy to get out and get a knife. I'll spend more nights staring at the number for the suicide hotline wishing I had the courage to talk to someone, anyone. But I'm so afraid now. What kind of response will I get. I just feel so alone.
I didn't mean to ramble this much. I don't even know what I hope to gain from this. I just can't not talk anymore, even though I feel certain I'm going to get responses belittling me and making me regret this decision. But I don't know what else to do.
|
self.depression
|
How do I stop sleeping too much? I've been trying for a long time to get out of my bad habit of napping. My therapist keeps pushing making an activity schedule, and I keep trying. I can't seem to stick to it. I am not working right now, and am looking for work. But the boredom and feeling of being useless has caught up with me. I have started volunteering, but it's only once a week. I do have some hobbies, but even those have gotten repetitive and I just sleep. Even the fact that I know I will have vivid dreams and probably sleep paralysis during my naps doesn't deter me from just giving into it.
This seems to be the hardest thing for me to change and I welcome all suggestions. I really need the help.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Careers for someone with generalised anxiety? Recently I quit my job due to having a nervous breakdown. The anxiety I suffered every single day I worked was too much to tolerate. I have social anxiety but it's beyond that too. Everything at work causes me anxiety, especially the fast-paced manner of the job. It is not uncommon for me to make stupid mistakes because my brain is overloaded and my stomach in constant knots. I haven't completed any education after high school yet, but I'd still like to. I need to find a career path that won't cause another breakdown after 6 months. I am completing my final days at my current job and am shaking and nauseous because I have to go there in a few hours. I can't live like this.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Organic mercury scare (health anxiety spree) So I kinda punched my air conditioner and for some reason I thought i was exposed I don't even know if organic mercury is in air conditioners I'm not even a chemist lol
|
self.Anxiety
|
Treatment of an illness. Is there actual treatment for major depression? I have been mindful and proactive as far as I can tell? and I think I’ve just not got the neurons because... been depressed my whole life. I know that there is no one answer, but I can’t start a life when I never had one. Also crosses with my - Schizoid PD, Aspergers, Anxiety disorders. Schizoid pd being the biggest uh. Black hole, in my living life problem.
Even when not suicidal, I don’t see why living is worth while.
|
self.depression
|
Is anyone else content in their depression? I've been depressed what feels like my entire life. I was diagnosed when I was 13, and I'm 20 now. Last month I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, and I feel ~amazing.~ Not because I'm any less depressed than I was before- I am the exact same piece of shit I was a month ago. But I feel so... free? to be able to be open about how awful I feel/am. Like, getting to wake up, realize I didn't die in my sleep, and then cry about the fact I didn't die in my sleep feels SO MUCH BETTER than waking up and having pretend to be happy for someone else's sake.
|
self.depression
|
Does anyone else find that they still have physical anxiety symptoms even when they're not really anxious? I get chest pains, headaches, and tingling extremities among other symptoms of anxiety, and even when I feel calm I feel these symptoms and I'm wondering if other people feel the same. It makes me think that my body is in a permanent state of anxiety even when I think I'm calm. But it also puts me in an anxious state because I then wonder if something is actually wrong with me.
Does anyone know what will make these symptoms occur less frequently? Will they only go away when my anxiety gets better?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Just had a panic attack Today's panic attack has been sponsored by all the doubts, worries and fears I have concerning friendship.
I worry and doubt the ones I have. I fear the act of reaching out to them. I worry I'll be a burden, too much whilst the few friends I have, have nothing but been supportive. Heck I called one friend twice during previous panic attacks. And yet I still doubt, fear and question the friendship. Can it be true? Dare I trust the bond we have? Am I sure they are spending time with me out of pity? And I worry about making new ones. Whilst my social skills are fine and I am truly interested in getting to know people. The fear of all those worries just hold me back. I could have texted some contacts yday, but ultimately I failed doing that.
Its been 5 weeks since I had a panic attack. I felt it coming and now I've somewhat calmed down but am uneasy. Fearfull of what to do, call some friends? Ride it out alone?
Some advice would be lovely. Something not of my mind. I know the fears and worries aren't true yet they feel so very very real
|
self.Anxiety
|
Oh no, this is horrible ok sorry I maybe shouldn't vent here and there's some haters on reddit and I worry too much about stuff but I v..vented anyways
DUDE I VENTED ALL OF YESTERDAY after drinking beer and ppl acted like I'm crazy especially my bro
TODAY I watched db super with my bro and
he literally took over 11 minute breaks each episode as I binge-watched it to smoke w33d I guess and
then he said its "My fault" for drinking six beers
I FEEL SO BAD the last time I did something bad was scribble in pre-school and I remember crying in time out. and in high school when I played phantasy star online in keyboarding class when I finished before everyone else.
and
I KEEP
IDK and my mom says Why am I acting this way "Is it the beer????" she said
I knew she'd blame it on the beer
I only get a 12 pack on the weekend
when I play "Fun Friday" and my bro didn't understand when I said last night that Fun Friday is the most boring day of the week (dude in Fun Friday, the 4chan team fortress 2 server, they play audio about Yoshi literally eating Mario's feces, idk why my bro says he doesn't understand why fun friday is the most boring day of the week and he didn't believe me and I was wayy too shy to explain it to him) and
I don't know what to do!!
My mom says the people "online over the internet" "aren't real" and my dad says "don't complain about your problems online, they're just online strangers so they don't exist" and they always threaten every time to "get rid of the internet" when I say people online agree with me and
well I was gonna write more but I don't want this thread to get locked etc. from me rambling about personal issues for 9 paragraphs so I'll just try to cut myself off here
OH YEHA but I was making food tonight and I threw it away tonight cuz my mom told me to either [something] or to throw away the food I'm making and go to bed, so I threw away the food I was making in front of my mom and went to bed =/ I meant posted this on reddit and then went to bed.
I feel bad about my bro saying its "my fault for drinking six beers tonight" DUDE HE MISSED THE GOOD EPISODES and I tried to explain to my mom over and over "wow dude do you really think I could watch the shitty db super filler episodes where vegeta fights purple blob clone vegeta without a beer?" and she keeps saying "YES [my name] ONLY YOU CARE ABOUT THAT AND YOUR BRO AND ME DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT ONLY YOU DO"
and I keep saying "dude I Just want to socialize with my family thats why I put it on for my bro and niece and nephew I feel bad that my bro smoked weed the whole time and then said its 'my fault'" and then my mom said "YOU MUST BE ACTING THIS WAY BECAUSE YOU DRANK A BEER TONIGHT, YOU USUALLY DON'T TALK BACK TO ME, I'M GONNA HAVE YOU BRO AND DAD YELL TO YOU ABOUT THIS TOMORROW and have them call you a drunk" even though I'm 30 years old and LITERALLY MY DAD DRANK SCOTCH THE ENTIRE FREAKIN night while burping loudly and my bro keeps smoking stuff and woijrow
|
self.Anxiety
|
I can't hold a job for longer than a week [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Help for intrusive thoughts please?! Okay this is driving totally insane and I can't function normally because of it, I have had intrusive thoughts basically for as long as I can remember, though now they are pushing me closer and closer to insanity. I am only focusing on one disturbing thought now which I really only need serious and helpful answers for. To start off, I remember it being the start off 2015 and I was sleeping over at my best friends house who we will call "J". Now J and I would always stay up all night when having sleepovers, and this certain night I managed to pull through to 6:30 am 30 minutes after J had fallen asleep, though when I woke up I was in his sisters bed. Now since then up until now, I just assumed that I was literally half asleep and that I was just looking for anywhere comfortable to sleep that wasn't taken in my literally half asleep state of mind (both his sisters had stayed up all night in the living room I've believed up until this moment, also something to keep in mind is that both of us were to young to be consuming alcohol and I have no memory of myself entering their room. So sleepwalking was my only thought.). Though my intrusive thoughts are causing me to believe it was something more sinister than that, causing me to believe that perhaps I enetered the room and tried something and that they were too traumatised to do or say anything except to move out to the couch stating that they were there the entire night. Their father said he actually had walked past J's room to see me asleep sitting down, to walk past again to see me in J's sisters' room on the floor, to walk past once more to see me in one of their beds, which I'm now beginning to question how long were the time gaps between him coming out of bed and going back, it all happened within at least 4 hours. For the past few years I've believed that they both stayed up all night in the living room while I sleep walked into their room looking for a space to sleep that wasn't already taken being literally half asleep, though now I'm questioning other things such as what if I'm a monster yet unsure of it? What if they really were in their room, yet too scared to say anything once I entered? What if it did happen and it's had a lasting impact that will affect them their entire life? This entire thought process is completely disgusting though I can't get it out of my head that I may have done something wrong, I've been in contact with the family over the past few years and just had the usual relationship you'd have with your friends family, but now I'm wondering if I've had some kind of negative impact on them if this certain thought did happen. I've done research and have found out that these thoughts are related to intrusive thoughts and that I may just be suffering from that, but even so I still wonder if this thought happened. Please help!
|
self.Anxiety
|
Depression doesn't just take my enjoyment away, it makes me forget it even existed at all. I hate how seasonal depression makes me forget how life can be enjoyed. I see people working and excelling at it, and can't imagine how they do it. When just 4 months ago that was me.
|
self.depression
|
Does feeling better make you nervous? I've been severely depressed for a long time, but this last week I've felt better. I'm not sure why, nothing has changed in my life or routine.
I've been able to be hopeful about life and have been more active and have gotten some projects done.
I'm scared that this won't last and I'll fall back into another deep depression.
I don't worry that it's mania, but that it's false hope. I don't want to get excited about life and feeling I can do things again when it's going to fall apart. I feel like I can't even enjoy feeling marginally good when I'm constantly afraid I'll lose it.
I'm also scared that being happy or hopeful for me is being stupid or ignoring reality. None of the bad stuff in my life has changed or gotten better, I feel like feeling good or thinking I'll be alright or things will get better is a bad idea because reality is going to fuck me. Like it's insane for me to think anything will work out or be ok.
|
self.bipolar
|
Bipolar Depression I have been dealing with bipolar for well over three years, including three severe depressions (one of which I am currently emerging from). I was hoping to find an avenue where we could generally chat about the disorder and offer practical tips to one another.
|
self.bipolar
|
What Other way to reassure oneself than eating? Hello, I've had anxiety for as long as I can remember and have taken the habit to over-eat to calm down the anxiety and feel reassured. This is damaging my health so can you advise me other ways to feel reassured? Thanks :)
|
self.Anxiety
|
I have type 1 herpes and I don't know if I will tell my future partner [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I have never felt as low as I do today [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I have savings, checkings, cd’s, and Roth IRA. Do my parents get it if I commit suicide? Will there be legal issues? I have no debt. I can get jobs. I can get girls. I can make money. I have friends. My family enjoy my company. Life’s just a struggle with aspergers. That’s all.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My childhood trauma may have traumatized someone else. Hi. This is actually my first post ever on reddit after someone suggested I come to this forum.
When I was 3 or 4 (can't remember which) I experienced an extremely horrifying traumatic event (may have happened more than once) that my undeveloped mind and body processed as a gang rape. I basically went nonverbal after it happened and didn't talk to anyone about it, nor was I brought in to speak to anyone about it. I withdrew inside myself completely.
Fast forward to like 4th grade. My best friend at the time and I were super close and did basically everything together. I remember that I instigated a game with her in which we'd take off our pants and underpants, hold our genitals, and then march around in a circle. I called it a "private parade". There was never any touching of any sort, but I do very vaguely recall a time where she may have said no to my suggestion of the game, but I encouraged her to do it anyway. It didn't go on for very long and we remained friends up until the 8th grade when we moved schools.
My trauma had been repressed until recent years, and I am now 21. I can't help but begin to feel overwhelming guilt for this. I didn't know anything about it at the time, and looking back, I was re-enacting some aspect of my trauma (genital focus). But I feel that that doesn't erase my guilt at all. I'm in therapy and have been for years, but I haven't been able to bring this up as I'm so ashamed and disgusted.
|
self.offmychest
|
thoughts i had while i'm laying here tired but unable to sleep if you load 1 bullet into the chamber of a revolver and spin it you have a 1/6 chance of dying. if you die are you lucky or unlucky?
if a car runs over you and you die, are you lucky or unlucky?
if you die without committing necessarily "suicide" are you lucky or unlucky?
i wish i could die but i don't want to commit suicide i don't want anyone to feel guilty, i think you are lucky if you die without leaving people that guilt.
while i'm making this post i might as well say other things that are on my mind, i might finally be able to sleep.
i have no real connection with anyone, i am fortunate to have "friends" or people that i socialize with at school or can sometimes hangout, but i don't have any real friends, no one ever hits me up first, no how are you doing, can we just talk, i initiate every conversation in my life. i have never had a relationship or any mutual feelings of affection with anyone. honestly i don't think i ever will.
only while you lay awake every night and let your mind run you realize you are truly alone, you have no connection to your parents, you are a stranger to your own body, you look in mirrors and you don't recognize who ever that person is.
at this point i'm just typing until i can sleep i have never vented in my life and this feels good, i have never talked to anyone abt anything cause no one really understands. i am so fake everyday i act like i am happy i'm making jokes i'm laughing,on the inside in the back of my head the thoughts of just ending it are there. and at night they take over. i am always tired but i can never fucking sleep.
truth is all i need is one person in real life to talk abt everything, to hold eachother, to just keep everything in between us, to be a real friend not just someone that is only there when your the only one or they feel bad.
i have my future set tho, i'm gonna do good in school, i'm gonna work hard, i'm gonna try my best, if everything fails, i'm killing myself ar the age of 30 if i am not satisfied and don't have a relationship with anyone.
another thing abt suicide, what's so bad abt it, everyone is fucking selfish they don't want to feel guilty, they want to act like they tried to help you, they make you think you are weak, you are less of a human, there's something wrong with you. and those people act like they knew you, they want to be sad and make it so they cared. really no one cares.
i don't know how long i have been typing and deleting but i'm done this was good for me and it doesn't matter if anyone reads or not i just needed to feel that someone knows what i'm thinking, most of this was rambling and incoherent and probably didn't make any sense. but it's whatever still can't sleep tho.
|
self.depression
|
Holidays I only have another week of school until I get Christmas holidays off (16 and in Australia), and because I'm in year 11, we get 8 weeks off. What really makes me hate myself is that I should be so excited about these holidays. No school, no assignments, no worries. But that is obviously not the case if I'm venting on this subreddit.
8 weeks is a bloody long time, and I have manage to lose most of my friends this year due to not knowing my sexuality, and me distancing myself from people who I'm scared to talk to because I don't know if they like me anymore. But of course, my parents don't know this, and so they like to interrogate me about why I don't go out with friends or do exercise or just do anything. On weekends I don't do anything. I'll eat because I'm bored, or I'll play xbox because I've got nothing better to do, but even now I've lost interest in that.
I just think about all these things I used to do on my holidays or on my weekends or even during the week, but when this 8-week break is just looming ominously in front of me, I'm scared. I know the friends I talk to at school won't bother to ask me to hang out with them, or go drinking at parties because I'm a depressed drunk and nobody likes that. So if I've got no-one to hang out with, what do I do? Well, first my parents will demand answers as to why I'm not bothering to see my friends. After that, I'll play xbox or watch Netflix or eat. My parents will be immensely disappointed in a son who is pathetic and lazy.
*sorry this is probably so confusing to read but my head is just a complete mess atm
Basically, what I'm trying to say is, I don't know what to do in all this free time I'm going to have. If I've got no-one to be with, I'm going to be alone in my thoughts and that terrifies me. I'm so scared that I'm just going to snap and eventually kill myself.
Any suggestions?
|
self.depression
|
I had sex for the first time in 6 years Might be a little graphic. Will try to keep it clean.
The title might seem like a brag, but it's really not. I slept with a girl the other night and now it's got me doubting myself, and making me angry. I'm not really sexually active mainly because I don't care to put the effort into trying to get it. Dating, dinner, small talk etc. is just exhausting to me to have no guarantee of actually achieving the goal.
Anyway, I've known this girl for a good while and she's always wanted it from me, but I never really had any interest in her because I never found her sexually attractive. She's on the heavier side and that just doesn't do it for me. However, I'd flirt with her and we'd talk back and forth about it. The other night, she said she was really horny, and I happened to be to, so I went against my instincts and went to her house. When I got there and saw her, my mind was split. The idea of sleeping with her was repulsive, but at the same time I had a need I was looking to satisfy. We end up doing the deed and it's every bit as disgusting and terrible as I would have imagined it.
With that said, I didn't last very long. I'll chalk that up to it being so long since my last outing. However, one problem came about. In the past, once I finished, I was usually ready to go again in about 2 minutes, and I would always maintain at least half mast. This time, I went completely soft shell. This kinda freaked me out. I laying there not wanting her to think I can't get it up and that I'm a minute man, so I pretty much fake a heart attack/panic attack. I'm hoping during this time I can get it up again and go town. Nope. Laid there naked in bed with here for about 30 minutes and nothing. Normally I'd remain with a semi in that situation but not this time.
So that had me wondering what the heck was the problem. I've either gotten older and lost the drive, or the actual idea of sleeping with her again was such a turn off to me that I couldn't do it. Either way, it's got me pissed and wanting to go back to prove to myself that I can still go, but at the same time, I just don't know if I could bring myself to doing it with her again.
TLDR: Slept with a chick I found unattractive and couldn't get it up again to go for a second time.
|
self.offmychest
|
Would finding a new job help with depression? I work a retail job and that job is just the bane of my existence. I dread every aspect of it, that jobs puts me in a really bad mood every single day I work. I know work isn't play, but I've never had a job I've hated this much. I'm thinking its gotta be adding onto my depression and I'm bipolar as it is. So I'm curious what you think. Do you think finding a new job would help me out? I know there's no one thing that's a miracle cure, but improvement is improvement. The idea of a new job, new duties, new coworkers, new environment sounds pretty enticing.
|
self.depression
|
I hate periods and PMS and everything related I fucking hate the week before my period. I rapid cycle multiple times within a day, I feel like I am going to crawl out of my skin but I also want to binge eat the world and never talk to anyone ever again. The other day I thought there were bugs inside of me and I needed to cut to get them out and thought everyone was beneath me and then within minutes I was sobbing and wanted to move back in with my mom because what if she dies and I didn't spend literally all of my time with her?
The day after I start bleeding I go back to normal (or whatever stable on my meds is) but for literally like 10 days before my period it feels like the medication isn't even fucking working, I hate everything about myself and I want to do drugs and buy shit and not sleep or sleep for 18 hours and it changes multiple times a day. I JUST WANT TO BLEED
PLEASE RELATE
|
self.bipolar
|
Its new years, and though I cant announce what I am, I am not ashamed of it. I have bi polar 2 disorder, which manifested as juvenile bp2. I am a recovering anorexic and bulemic, I have new daily persistent headache. I am disabled. I have disablities. And 2018 is not a year I am going to hide from who I am, from how far I've come, and from the progress I need to make. I'm excited to make this journey, and I'm excited to it with all of you. Cheers to 2018 y'all, Lets get us, let's go forward, pets strive for better, accept out faults and when we fall, we get back up, we learn, we share, and we grow. R/bipolar, let's fucking rock 2018.
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm trapped and wish that things would change. It's become hard for me not to wake up and burst out in tears everyday now. Like many others, I don't really like where i'm at in life at the moment. The worst part of it all is that it's not going to get any better soon.
I've been a NEET for a year now, and I only recently turned 21. I failed myself, honestly. Stuck in an ass backwards country with no way out. It's hard for me to think about bettering my situation when i'm afraid that someone is going to clock me as transgender every damn time I go out. The rest of my relatives would probably kill me if they found out.
I wish that you would love me back. I'm tired of the uncertainty.
|
self.offmychest
|
Depression is a situation when a relatively immature (as in poorly adapted to act in today's society) mind finds itself in a body that is as mature as anyone else's. I don't even know why this thought popped up in my head. Maybe that's just me who is immature. Or just plain dumb. Or both...
|
self.depression
|
Ive come to the agonizing realization that my boyfriend relapsed on drugs. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
i am just sick of life most things i do to make a day pass are boring and simply make me angry even to the point i hurt myself , and the fact im always feeling sick isnt helping either
why shouldnt i just end it , it would be so much easier and i know there wont be another way to be painfree anyway , im still debating right now but im pretty sure ill do it either next year or within the next few years
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.