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The results of my medical exams came in. Last year, in the final week of October, I moved back to my home country to study. Because I didn’t know yet what university I was gonna enroll in, I ended up missing most registration periods, so I have to wait until March for the second quarter to apply and hopefully enter Uni in June.
These six months of downtime, I’m gonna start working, hopefully by the end of this month I’ll have a job already. But that’s not why I’m writing this post.
I had some blood samples taken Tuesday for medical exams. Results came in later that day, but no one broke the news until today. Turns out, all my blood levels are critically high, and I’m just a few bad decisions away of either diabetes, hypertension, and/or liver complications from a disease I had when I was 2 years old.
I just turned 18 in December, and having these news break out to me is hard. I’ve known my whole life I have problems. Since I was 13, I’ve known I was fat and less athletic than most kids my age. I used to eat much more than other people, and I knew that was gonna cause trouble in the long run, but I always ignored my self consciousness. Because I was insecure. Because I was weak. Because I was afraid of the truth. I never listened, and now these demons are coming back full strength to haunt me unless I make a decision.
It’s not easy, knowing that so early in life I’m already at risk of developing complicated health problems. I’m going to the gym starting Monday with a friend of my family who’s known me since I was a toddler. Sometime next week I’m also going to an endocrinologist, I’ll be put on medication to help reduce cholesterol levels and triglycerides. I’m gonna have to change my diet, remove all sugary things from my daily intake, start drinking much more water and eat less rations every meal. But even though I’m doing all of these things, I’m still scared of one day skipping the gym by whatever reason or starting to snack, and then falling in the same cycle all over again. I’m afraid of my own weakness.
2018 has started off very roughly for me. Having all of this happen in the first week, added to some problems I’ve been dragging since last month, it’s just becoming overwhelming. Here’s to hoping I make it out clean by the end of the year.
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self.offmychest
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I feel like I can't keep going Hey everyone. So I didn't know where else to post this, I've talked to some crisis chat lines, and I'm just struggling a lot.
I've been on-and-off suicidal for about 6 years now. It started as a young teen, I was living with really abusive people and I even attempted suicide (I hadn't even turned 16 yet). I'm out of that situation now but the feelings haven't gone away. They've gotten worse.
I feel hopeless and trapped. I am nonbinary and there is so much freaking hatred it terrifies me. It's scary because I'm just a person like any other, I just happen to have atypical gender dysphoria. But people oppose me having rights and they spew hatred everywhere and I just don't understand why. I'm confused and angry and hopeless.
I've tried getting appointments with counselors but there aren't a lot of resources in my area. It feels like "the universe" is telling me to just end it all.
So past trauma, and bigotry, and few resources just create this bubble of despair and I've been researching how to kill myself.
I don't know what to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My parents make me very depressed I have had a history of depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts all throughout middle school and early high school. I've taken medications and gone to therapy and only recently have I started to ween off of my medications and I stopped going to therapy about 3 months ago due to me feeling immensely better. Recently, because I'm only on 1 medication instead of 3, I have been feeling very tired and depression lately, and very anxious before I go to bed. Repeatedly I have shared my concerns with my mother and all she replies with is "We will talk about this later". Whenever I seem to mention anything that I remotely like about video games, sleeping, or the fact that I like a girl, she immediately 'teases' me about them by making fun of me despite my obviously angered and frustrated reactions. To make things worse, my birthday is coming up soon and I asked to go get dinner with 4 of my friends at my favorite restaurant; she always makes it a point to say things like "this dinner is expensive, I don't know why you have to do anything for your birthday" (Note: I didn't do anything special for my 16th birthday prior and 5 people having dinner together doesn't seem that bad) ALSO I know that the dinner is in fact not expensive, especially since my dad has recently purchased a boat and my parents recently took a trip to Ireland for a week... Long story short, all her derogatory behavior towards me and her ignorance of my feelings is making me increasingly depressed, which for once I have spoken to my mom about instead of just keeping it to myself and making it worse. I am trying not to be an 'ungrateful' child; I am always respectful towards other people and my parents, but her behavior is making me more and more depressed and it's making me lose my respect and mother-daughter relationship with her. (Also note: Telling her these things will result in me getting in trouble for no reason and she will take my phone away) Any suggestions/Advice??
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self.depression
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It feels like no matter how far I move forward it’s always waiting for me in the end. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I’m 23, survived cancer and wish i hadn’t. It’s bizarre that i’m even suicidal. I’m 23, i have a good job, family/friends etc and i’m so depressed and suicidal. I hate the thought that for the next 40-50 years i’m going to be a slave and have to work and barely have the time to enjoy life.
I had a rough year with being diagnosed with testicular cancer but i survived and parts of me wish i hadn’t. I have this fantasy of having terminal cancer and being able to quit my job, travel and live carefree and then preparing myself to die.
I’ve never been so suicidal but I think i’m getting to the point of following this through. I have close to 100 valium tablets and some codeine and tramadol that i plan on taking.
The thought of suicide gives me so much peace and calmness...I’m not sure when i’ll do it but i know it’s coming soon.
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self.SuicideWatch
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i am so fucking tired of you I tried so hard to stop being angry. I didn't want to get mad as you were my "best friend". But what kind of best friend calls me a greedy pig? What kind of person says I hope you die of starvation? I'm sorry I didn't want to talk to you the other day, alright? If you just saw yourself, maybe you'd realize why I've been avoiding you. And I can't always be there for people, you know? I can't even be goddamn here for myself.
I've said sorry so many times. You just get angrier. And you still call me out for not appreciating others.
I tell you that it's a joke. Saying I have no friends is a goddamn joke because humor is a coping mechanism for all the shit I've been feeling. You say it's not funny. Don't fucking worry. I know. It's self-deprecating and I only do it to enforce my worthlessness, not to invalidate my friends.
It's not about you or them anyway. It's always about me. I'm selfish, as you've said. I'm fucking disgusting. But no one forced you to deal with me. So just walk away instead of treating me like shit because I can't be happy. You're not fucking helping and you make me want to die.
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self.offmychest
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Everything is falling apart Last year was great. I had a lot of good friends, and even my first boyfriend. Until my depression came and ruined it all. I lost my boyfriend and two of my closest friends because my depression was too much them. I was too much for them to handle. They couldn’t support me anymore. So now I’m alone and at the lowest point of my life. And I’m seriously wondering if it’s even worth it anymore. Everyone leaves me, and all of my plans backfire. People I thought would understand because they’ve had depression said I was too much and left me. I just honestly don’t want to live anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Depression and Heartbreak Hi all,
I havé pretty bad depression. Every day i have thoughts of dying (by my own hand or wishing someone else would just do it to me). I recently got out of a relationship with my first love. She doesn’t want me back because she thinks the future wouldn’t be very good for us because we want different things. I am very religious while she is not (we are also different religions) so there are things that we would have to compromise on, and things that we already do compromise on. She said she just wants to be a college kid (we’re both 20 at same university) and not think about the future. I love her so much. She was the one person I could talk to about how I was feeling. Religion has kept me from offing myself to be honest. That, and I don’t want the people i care about to be hurt that I did something like that. You can’t blame someone for wanting something else, even if they love you. We don’t talk right now just because it’s too hard for us to be friends for now, but all I want is to be loved by her. I forget what it’s like to be hugged, loved, and cared about by someone like that. I have been trying to move on, but I feel like I keep falling back occasionally and wanting her even more. Any advice on my situation?
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self.depression
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I hate myself, I can't go on I hate everything about myself. From the physical aspects to my personality. I think I walk weird, my voice sounds annoying to me, I'm too short, I'm not terribly ugly but I would be weirded out if I found out someone was attracted to me. I think I am disgusting.
I'm very introspective, barely ever say a word unless spoken to, most people probably think I'm boring and I really am, because I can't be bothered to be interested in the same things they are (like social media and parties). I think I am socially retarded, I cannot connect with others, I have had very little friends throughout my life, I feel out of place and a freak most of the times. I struggle a lot with understanding speech in noisy environments or over a telephone - not sure if it's some sort of auditory processing issue or hearing loss. I was just talking to a woman on the phone and she lost her patience because I kept saying I wasn't understanding what she was saying - she told me I should listen because she wasn't going to repeat herself again. I am overly sensitive to criticism because it just hurts my already inferior self. I don't like being complimented either because it feels like people are placing expectations on me and I think I am talentless and useless and I won't be able to do as well as they'd like next time around. People tell me I'm smart but I don't understand why - sometimes I am just a little better informed and that's all. I tend to make a lot of stupid mistakes when I am anxious (in social situations or not) and that just makes me feel even worse.
Be honest. Would you like to spend time with someone you hated? Probably not. I would have to spend time with myself for the rest of my life. So I don't want to do that anymore. I wish my parents had had another child just so I wouldn't feel as terrible about this.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I have everything that I wanted, why am I depressed? I don't know how to start. I have everything that someone would want. I have a girlfriend, I have a good job and I am good at it, I have friends, I have a brother that loves me. Than why the fuck am I depressed. I have everything that someone would want from life but I can't be happy and I don't know what to do. I just don't see the purpose in life and I can't figure it out how to be happy. It's true that I had a hard life with an abusive father(towards my mother) and my mother just died recently but this can't be the real reason because it's been years since this depression started. Now it's gotten a lot worse and I just hope that somehow it ends. It's unbearable to continue to live like this. Why the fuck can't I be happy like everybody else? Why the fuck am I so toxic to everybody around me?
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self.depression
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Medication interaction??!! So I'm on 100mg sertraline(zoloft) a day and have been for about a year. Today I had some candy and some were grapefruit flavour and I didn't realise..... Grapefruit reacts with sertraline(zoloft) and I'm freaking out.... Will I be okay???
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self.depression
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Finding it hard to shake away my anxiety and tell someone how I feel about them. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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My Battle With Anxiety. Hi guys/girls.
My name is Luke.
I am 25 years old and I have suffered with anxiety for most of my life.
Social anxiety mostly. I could never look people in the eye when I was talking to them. I could never speak to girls. I was convinced I was the ugliest kid in school and people were always saying mean things about me. Of course there was rarely proof of this but I was still certain it was happening. I would say
It was somewhat under control until around 1.5 years ago when I was laying in bed one day and all of a sudden decided I could not catch my breath. Of course this spiralled into my first ever 'serious' panic attack.
My hands and feet started tingling I felt complete dread. I could not breath and I had crippling chest pains. I completely lost my s**t.
I was outside the front door at 2am in the morning sitting on the floor gasping for breath saying my goodbyes to my girlfriend because I was genuinely convinced I was having a heart attack. An ambulance was called and they done all the relevant checks and came to the conclusion it was a panic attack.
Life has not been the same since this day. I constantly monitor my breathing and this has turned into 'air hunger'. I have had this every day since my panic attack. I have chest pains and palpitations every day and also I am extremely self conscious. Life is a battle with my mind everyday and it's seriously taking it's toll on my work now. Some days I deal with it pretty well but other days it's unbearable to the point I no longer enjoy doing what I used to love because I'm too busy focusing on the negatives and monitoring my breathing and convincing myself I'm dying of something or the other. Sorry if this is a long post but I needed to speak to someone. I've tried therapy and all the meds and nothing helps! I've never posted on forums or tried speaking to others suffering like me though. So yeah! That's my story.
edit: I'm currently on 40mg propanolol 3 times a day for the past 5 months or so.
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self.Anxiety
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Feeling Lost I'm 14 and I've already been diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety and Schizoid Personality Disorder. It feels like life is going nowhere, unreal almost. I don't have a life plan, I'm just taking the days as they come. I don't feel like I relate to anyone. I feel like no-one in my life understands what it feels like. My parents think I can control my emotions, and that Im just choosing to be sad. I have one friend. But it doesn't stop me from feeling terribly alone. Im terrible at school, I feel I have no future. Like there's no point in even trying to study, to work, to go outside, talk to people, wake up in the morning. What's it all for? What am I going to do. I'm terrified of growing up, because I fear what will happen to me. No skills, not charismatic, I'll be thrown to the side and abandoned. It feels like the only thing that helps is browsing boards like this and being able to relate to others, but it seems impossible to meet people I can actually relate to. It feels like I'm suffocating, and everyone's yelling at me, telling me to just start breathing. I don't know what to do anymore.
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self.depression
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Suicidal despite being sad/happy/depressed?! Am I the only one that plans/fantasies about commiting suicide no matter what? I doesn't matter if I'm at the depth of a long dark depression or of I'm actually feeling happy w life, I still don't want to be here.. anyone else feel like this? It is so weird, I wish I could understand why. But after years of therapy I still don't have a reason...I feel alone when it comes to this and I can't talk to people because they think it means that I'm depressed no matter how much I try to explain it!
Hope that I'm posting this in the right sub, I'm having trouble understanding the rules some times so I apologize if this is wrong
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self.SuicideWatch
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My Sister Wants to Kill Herself Hey, I need help. My sister has been pulled out of college by my parents because she was drinking a lot and my parents are Christian. They love her, but she doesn't see it. She continues to sneak around and drink and do drugs at home and when she goes out with friends. She was caught a few weeks ago and sent to the hospital and a psych ward because she was saying she wanted to kill herself. Last night she went out and was caught again when she got home, and now she is talking about killing herself again. I don't know what else to do, and I don't even know if this is the right sub for this, I don't even know if this story makes sense. I need help, she isn't getting better, she doesn't take her medication, and she is almost always drunk or high but my parents somehow don't even notice. I don't know what to do or how to help, I am so scared of losing her. She knows I love her, that's one of the few coherent things that comes out of her mouth when she's screaming about how she wants to die and begging for me to let her go. I'm 17, she's 21. I don't know if this makes sense, or if I am following the rules, I just really need some help, please.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Can you restart your life at 30 and be successful? YES / NO and why? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Alone on a Friday night (as usual), nobody is home, drunk w/ snacks and a book that talks about Harry Potter and philosophy. Sound good to me
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self.Anxiety
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My entire existence is a series of unfortunate events I identify with that book series because the kids in it have an endless stream of bad luck that never seems to end.This is my very first Reddit post ever & it may be a long post & I cant remember everything but I needed somewhere that wouldn't reject me.Life isn't perfect & sometimes it can be really dark.It seems that on social media you get ignored & no understanding if you even hint at depression.Excuse my improper English but I am in the process of testing for suspected Asperger's syndrome as an adult (now called Autism).My life story is so fucked up I have decided to eventually write a book & screenplay & show it to the world.My family loves to keep everything a secret out of concern for image but I don't care.This story will be told someday.My mother has been physically disabled my entire life.Blind in one eye due to either a birth defect or a car accident before I was born.She comes from Morocco originally but has lived in the US for 30 yrs or so.She finally became a naturalized citizen last year.Why didn't she do it sooner?Because my family was so poor we couldn't afford the $600 fee for each attempt to take the naturalization exam plus we had no access to internet.She is also bipolar...I suspect...based on her back & forth emotional states.She never graduated high school in her country,I think,& she never went to college.She speaks English & Arabic.She has lived off of disability her entire life until 10 yrs ago when she was forced to take on a part time job because it just wasn't enough money.
My father was born in 1941 & suffered through a time of great racism in America.He lived in a tuberculosis ward as a teen & I think he either has a GED or never graduated high school.My family doesn't talk so I dont know much about my parents lives.He eventually fell into alcoholism but was saved by AA.That,I assume,let him to joining a well known cult called the Jehovah's Witnesses.My opinion as well as common knowledge of this organization is that this group is a cult based on their rules,practices,behaviors etc.Due to life being so fucked up,my father was eventually diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic.He has lived off of disability since the age of 34.....for real.My father claims to have been a drug/alcohol counselor in the past but he has never had a job for as long as I have been alive.He spend his days watching porn & reading the Bible.He gets really nervous around Halloween due to it being "the unholiest day of the year".We couldn't even pass out candy or anything.
I have two brothers & my parents have not slept in the same bed since the youngest of my brothers was born in 1994.I myself have struggled with internalized racism.I am half Black & half Arab but prefer to identify as Arab.Since I am mixed people always ask me where I'm from.My father believes that my mother's "white privilege" means he doesn't have to assist her in any way despite her blindness.My father would constantly threaten to shut off the cable etc if I didn't read my Bible or participate in family dinners.Since noone was working our boredom & frustration over our poverty would lead to great violence in the apartment.I withdrew into the world of books & Disney while my brothers grew increasingly violent.My father didnt believe in celebrating holidays or birthdays.My birthday was always a disappointment since it was in the month of December.Imagine being so poor that you must choose between a birthday present of $100 or a Christmas present of $100 or worse.......$100 for both.My father didn't see giving a little money as a violation of the Witnesses beliefs.
In the end my brothers couldn't handle our constant disappointments,poverty & no car,no vacations etc.My brothers Kalen* & Deshawn* (*names changed for privacy) would get into fights at home & school...moreso my brother Kalen (he's a year younger than me & Deshawn is the youngest at 6 yrs younger than me).
In 2009 my brother Kalen* accepted a plea bargain of 10 yrs for armed robbery.He got tired of his life of no future & just went out one night with a gun & robbed some guy going to his car in a low income housing complex in out town.They eventually picked him up in a stolen car later that day.My mother called me so devastated she couldn't form words.Being poor they had no attorney so the public defender convinced him to take the plea.At the time my parents state had strict gun law riders on crimes.Basically its a 10-20-life deal (10 yrs if the crime involves a gun,20 yrs if someone is shot,& life if someone is killed at a minimum).My brother Kalen* is lucky he didnt go away for life.But his life is now destroyed & so is my mother.For the last 9 yrs my mother has fallen apart with guilt & sadness.She calls me heartless because I wont visit or call the man who used to beat me up as a teen.She thinks of me as cold because I wish to ignore the man who used to destroy our apartment as a teen when he couldn't get money or something else.My mother thinks I'm not human because I wish to not think of the man that caused us to get evicted from two separate apartment complexes in one year because of his fighting.My mother is very guilty....so much that she actually doesn't belief my brother Kalen* committed a crime.This is a fundamental line in the sand between me & the rest of my family.My Aunt Kathy* (also from Morocco) thinks that my mother is trash for marrying my father.Whenever we really needed help she would just call my mother & say....sorry but you asked for it.
My youngest brother Deshawn* eventually learned that bad behavior from Kalen* & took over the apartment after I finally had it & moved out for good in 2012 at the age of 25.My mother comes from the Middle East where she believes the entire family should live in the same home until you die basically.I had to sneak out of the apartment while she was at work.They would not have "allowed" me to leave if you know what I mean.My mother was angry for awhile but eventually accepted that I would not "move back home".To this day she asks me to visit....I ask "have you changed yet"?I say that she reminds me of bad times...she calls me heartless & says I have no love in my heart.Maybe at one point when I was young there was some love but it has been destroyed by poverty,mental illness & not having a car to carry our groceries.The only thing I ever wanted to be was an actress because I thought I could create a new world for myself with the characters I could play.It has little to do with money but everything to do with the art.I want to enjoy making people happy while being someone other than myself.
Unfortunately because of the above mentioned events I have developed a deep anxiety around people.I have never been married...never has a boyfriend...never been kissed...but I am not a virgin.I couldn't bear the thought of dying a virgin someday,I don't know why,so I have been impregnated twice but decided to abort both times.I couldn't bear the thought of putting another child into foster care or poverty like me.
Due to an incredibly stupid instance of bad luck that happened to me without my knowledge I have found it nearly impossible for me to join the trade union SAG AFTRA.Recently I have decided to file suit against them myself because greedy attorneys wanted $5,000 or more I just didnt have to represent me.SAG AFTRA falsely believes I was a former member based on a "verbal contract" when SAG & AFTRA were separate unions & refuses to allow anyone to Taft Hartley me into the union.There are only two ways to get in so this is a significant hardship on me.This means nothing to most but everything to me.If I cannot be Taft Hartley-ed it is nearly impossible for me to join.You must be SAG in order to be considered a professional.As you can see here I am terrible at social skills & speaking.Recently I have also developed a "voicemail stutter" where when I have to leave a voicemail & get so nervous I cant speak.
Currently I am waiting for a document specialist to finish the paperwork for me to file in court.I don't think I can argue this case on my own.Although,I do have lots of experience arguing...sadly.If I am not successful in this then it will take me an eternity to save the money for these greedy attorneys.I've gone back & forth with being so depressed I don't know what to do.So my life has been "a series of unfortunate events" as you can see.A big straw breaking the camels back,I guess,was when I filed a charge against SAG AFTRA with the NLRB (National Labor Relations Board) & they wouldn't help me...they just wouldn't help me.It broke me & I really went down that day into the sadness.Earlier this year I decided to start seeing a therapist & also a psychiatrist for depression & anxiety.I haven't told my parents because I don't see them as a part of my life.I guess it helps but the psychiatrist stuck me on the generic version of the "happy horny skinny pill" Wellbutrin SR.Happy(sure),horny,(a little),skinny(no).
I'm going to be 30 this December.I won't get that handsome British partner like Michael Fassbender that accepts all my flaws & a nice house.I wont get that leading role.I wont even get the dignity of my own place.I live in a single room occupancy hotel for the formerly homeless.I hate that word because people are so judgemental.The program I'm in covers my rent until I "can support myself".I enrolled in college this fall (I never saw any value in it before) while the powers that be decide if I should get some disability for my conditions.
I have never consumed any drugs or alcohol.I have never been to jail or prison.I have never had a tattoo or piercing.I have no children in foster care.I have no children at all.I have no student loans.I am the only member of my family that could pass as normal.My therapist calls me a "success".I just don't see it that way.Unfortunately thanks to my mother I have one thing,well two really,that have plagued me for my whole life.I have been profoundly deaf in my right ear for most of my life.I have never had a head concussion so it must either be genetic or from illness.Since whatever happened wasn't complete,I also have something called tinnitus or "ringing in the ears".In the last few years research studies I found have shown this is actually a "ringing in the brain" due to electrical signals misfiring in the brain.There is no cure for this so I live with a nosy neighbor that never goes away.Eventually I learned to ignore it but recently I have lost that mental control & must establish it again.
With all of the above I wonder......why?Just why.......but I know I will never have an answer.I don't consider myself a Christian so I guess I'm an Atheist.Considering that,maybe I don't need an answer.But I sure would like one.I would love to wipe all of this away but I cant.I fear the first of the year because I see a future with nothing to look forward to.I have become obsessed again with "Sweeney Todd:The Demon Barber of Fleet Street".He believed in "never forgive never forget".They say you must let go of pain & anger in order to open your heart to love.I think of Edmond Dantes in "The Count of Monte Cristo" when he said to Mercedes "don't rob me of my hate...its all I have".The theater is my life so forgive the references.
I don't know what to do.
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self.depression
|
Can't decide whether to go to a doctor or not Just to give some background, I've felt pretty depressed for most of my adult/adolescent life (I'm 21 now) but have never felt able to talk to anyone about it (not even family or close friends). I have days where I'm in a slightly more positive mood, but generally I just feel pretty apathetic about everything, lethargic and extremely self-critical to the point where it stops me doing things. I don't really have physical symptoms but being this low obviously causes me to neglect my health quite a bit. My environment and lifestyle certainly have an impact; I recently moved in with my aunt who has very little understanding of depression (and just emotions generally), and I'm living in a place where I don't really know anyone.
Anyway I took an NHS depression self-assessment recently and the results suggested that I should go and see my GP. However, I'm seriously doubting whether to do it, I feel like I'd just be a waste of their time. Besides I know that there's a chance that they might suggest taking anti-depressants, and I'm a little reluctant about that given everything that I've heard and read about them and their side effects.
Sorry for the long post, guess I just needed to vent, but any advice would be really appreciated.
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self.depression
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Everyone i've ever cared for or been loved by has fallen to mental illness. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I want to kill myself I'll keep this brief but I'll respond if anyone asks anything.
I've hated myself for the past 10 years. I have no friends or anyone to talk to. I've been to numerous doctors who cannot help me. I just want to die and I'm getting closer to taking action myself because death isn't coming fast enough.
I guess I'm not that serious since I came here instead of just doing it. But maybe this is a step toward actually doing it. Idk.. sorry to waste your time.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
The only thing motivating me is my desire to commit suicide. For the bulk of my life I haven't been able to talk to those around me about my problems. In many ways, people like me are weak and malicious for wanting to put that on someone else but thankfully I've been put in my place more often than not. Instead of taking the burden of my depression, they look at me with disgust and contempt for my humanity. They're functioning human beings who understand the world and I'm something far beneath that, unfortunately.
I haven't had a single job in my life and I have tended to stay indoors for the most part over the past few years. I know that when people look at me they feel uncomfortable so I don't like being the company of most of society. Thankfully I'm not selfish (I don't think I am but I might be wrong). The only thing that still keeps me going is the thought that one day I can get a job and start making some money. If I do that, I can finally get my own place and shut myself off from everyone else in my life. Then I'll buy a shotgun, saw off the barrel, put it in my mouth, and annihilate myself. It sounds pretty harsh but I think it's probably the closest way to do it right.
I tried to commit suicide a long time ago. I climbed into a storm drain alcove and swallowed a few bottles of pills. I'd hurt myself before. On some level I knew it was just dramatics. This time was different. I woke up and climbed out of that alcove into an opening where paths meet in that storm drain. The ground was covered in flowers and grass and down one tunnel I saw a light so brilliant it may as well have just been pure white. I climbed back into my alcove, though. I don't know why I decided to post. I feel really frustrated and my life has fallen so far. I guess that after my past experience, I'm not afraid of death by my own hand anymore.
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self.depression
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What do i do if i feel that im stupid? I'm forgetful and have a hard time multi-tasking. Am I stupid? Will my life consist of nothing but doing repetitive menial tasks for others?
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self.Anxiety
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Feeling the hypomania creeping in Is this really the only way I can get things done around here?
I get one whiff of progress and now I want every inch of my life improved by a quantum leap. Cortisol, dopamine, idk. But I know no matter how much I do I won't get no satisfaction.
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self.bipolar
|
I feel like nobody else gets it, and I don't either. I am 12 and since I was 10 I've been feeling extremely depressed with sudden bouts of extreme sadness that I can't even explain. Everything that I once had attachments to, like friends, social life, games, etc. feels tedious and boring now. Don't worry, I am very mature and this isn't a stupid kid that felt sad once. I just feel like nobody really understands, and I don't understand my sudden bouts of sadness. I am going to a counselor, but I still feel like i want to hurt myself. Any suggestions?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don’t know where I’m headed and it scares me [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Paranoid or legitimate? I've removed a whole group of friends on social media because this new girl came in and stole them all. I'm trying to be rational because I've been kind of manic but she makes me so mad... they don't talk to me without prompting anymore and the new girl has me blocked. All they talk about is how great she is. I feel like they're always talking about how stupid I am and how much they hate me, but I only have circumstantial evidence. They don't seem to care when I go out of my way to not be around them. Am I being paranoid and toxic? I tend to jump to conclusions in relationships (IE I cut off my best friend for half a year because she forgot my birthday) but I feel like they're being really rude.
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self.bipolar
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I messed up at school i dont know what to do.
i messed up at school because i was too curious and i let my stupidity take over me.
out of curiosity, i wanted to know if the school showers worked considering my school is very old and stuff.
so, i pressed the on button and it turned on.
the sound of it turning on startled me and my friends and we tried our best to turn it off.
nothing worked and the shower kept running and started flooding the shower room. i was so scared so i told the teacher and the office people about it and they said it was going to be okay.
i dont know, is it going to be okay?
i feel scared knowing that the school would have to pay for the broken shower knowing that it was all my fault.
im so scared and guilty and i want to cry.
i might flood the school, or make the school spend their money and i feel miserable knowing that if something bad happens it's all my fault.
i know, it sounds stupid, but i often worry about stupid things.
now i dont know what to do.
i just want the pricipal or someone of high authority that its okay.
im so scared.
i need someone to just give me a hug or tell me that everything will be fine.
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self.Anxiety
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Finding my way out. After two weeks of solid work (with only a couple periods of sleep lasting more than two hours) I'm trying to get some rest for a bit. This was definitely not healthy and I know now that as much as I enjoyed working with my cousin, I could not keep doing this.
But I can't seem to shake this idea that I'm an emotional and financial drain on everyone around me. That nobody wants me around (even if they feel bad about it and/or won't admit to it) because they just don't know how to "deal with me".
Here's the thing - I want to work. But when I say this to my dad, he asks "what do you WANT to do?"
What I want is to have the degree that I worked damn hard for. I'm sick and tired of people treating me like a college dropout because I'M NOT. Just because I don't have the money to pay the ridiculous debt that I owe them... because I can't get a decent-paying job if I don't have a fucking degree!
I have pretty much no job history, so the options without a degree are pretty limited. I'm just hoping the work I've been doing might be able to translate to something in the long run.
And on top of this... everything with my mom is just starting to hit me right now. My sister's best friend made a GoFundMe for another friend of hers who's mom has cancer (supposedly she is bipolar too but "cured" it?) And I'm just like... you couldn't have done that for US? We're losing our fucking house and because my family matters to so few people, no one really gives a shit. I don't even think most of our neighbors know she died.
I just feel so alone in my suffering sometimes. At least when I'm here, regardless of the personal shit we're all dealing with, I know you all at least "get it".
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self.bipolar
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Embarrassed when depression wanes? 23F here. I have depression that comes in waves, and then recedes after maybe 6-9 months, with no warning and for no apparent reason. This has been going on since I was 18.
During these lows, I get suicidally depressed. I see the world through an incredibly negative filter until nothing seems to matter much at all. I often doubt that reality is even real sometimes, I feel so detached.
Since nothing matters and I kinda plan on maybe killing myself soon anyway, I tend to lose my inhibitions. I tend to feel so much pain that I can't expend energy pretending to be happy or living up to society's expectations. Nothing matters, and Devin's a prick, so I'm going to tell Devin he's a prick, consequences be damned!
My depression is receding again and I am cringing at the things I did when life seemed to have no purpose. I am now having to pick up the pieces of what I destroyed in my depressive period- I'm a straight A student outside of these lows, but fail most classes during them. Next semester I plan to graduate with my Bachelor's, but I'm going to have to work hard to make up for lost time to even get above a 2.0.
Over the last few months I have cried in public, at work...I have snapped at people- depression tends to make me extremely mean. I always suspect people hate me and have bad intentions...my own grandmother, an angel on Earth, took me shopping, and I was totally pissy the entire time. This is partially because depression makes me feel physically horrible, exhausted and headache ridden constantly, but I still feel like an awful person.
While not depressed, I drink like a sane person. While depressed, I give up on moderation completely and drink as much as I want whenever I want. Tuesday at noon? Let's get blackout drunk! There is no God anyway!
Yeah, I showed up at Thanksgiving very visibly hammered, to dinner with my extended, religious family that doesn't drink. Before my depression started to melt, I just shrugged at how horrifyingly taboo this is. WHO CARES IF THEY'RE JUDGING ME? I'M BEYOND HOPE ANYWAY!!! HATE ME LIKE YOU ALREADY DO!!!
Yeah, my lows are VERY low.
Now I'm back to the outgoing, relatively high achieving, sane human being that I am half of the time and it's like waking up the morning after drinking realizing how horrible and embarrassing all of your actions the night before were.
Am I the only one who has experienced this?
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self.depression
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I was having a good day Then I opened Instagram and saw my crush with her boyfriend.
Why is it so painful?
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self.depression
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Really rapid cycling I'm cycling sometimes a couple times a day now. It's rough. I don't know how I'm going to wake up the next day. All in a manageable range but I'm hitting every point from crying and sad to paranoid and anxious to a hypomania that led to two shopping trips. Manageable mostly but mentally tough. I can't raise my lamictal, maxed out on Latuda, raising wellbutrin was ugly, I can't do lithium. What meds help rapid cycling? Like...I don't know what to look forward to or what can stop this crap. What the hell is supposed to stop rapid cycling...
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self.bipolar
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Trying is hard Wife is in love with another man kids can't comprehend wife still wants me around I know I'm being used but hell a trigger is a trigger right
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self.depression
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Anyone have experience switching from st. John's wort to an sSRI? I'm trying to decide whether its worth switching from St. John's Wort to an SSRI and I'm wondering whether anyone here has experience with both.
I've had moderate-to-severe GAD for a long time, along with perhaps some mild depression. I've largely been able to carve out a good life for myself (good career, happy relationship), but I'm constantly worrying about something or other. I've tried therapy in the past (ACT) and haven't found it all that helpful. About a month ago my worrying was bordering on panic, and I started taking a low dose (300 mg) of St. Johns Wort. I think it was very effective in helping to dampen some of my worrying. It made me feel very happy and energized for the first couple weeks. Steadily, though, I feel like the effects have worn off. I definitely don't have that happy energized feeling anymore, and while my worrying isn't as bad as before I started taking the SJW, I do feel like I've begun worrying more than during those first couple weeks on it. I've hesitated to up the dose because I figure a higher dose too will just work for a couple weeks and then lose effectiveness. I don't want to simply become dependent on a high dose of an ineffective vitamin.
I guess I'm wondering, for those of you who have tried both: Is my experience with SJW also typical of SSRIs? I keep reading about how unreliable they are, how subtle their clinical effects can be, and how bad their side effects can be (I haven't noticed any negative side effects from SJW). The question I'm struggling with is: If SJW is kinda-sorta working for me, should I just stick with it, or should I try an SSRI? What are your experiences?
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self.Anxiety
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First time posting, need help Hey guys, I’ve lurked for a while and I’m posting for the first time.
I’m not healthy mentally right now. My long term gf broke up with me about 2 months ago citing the fact that she didn’t love me anymore, didn’t want to spend the rest of her life with me, and all kinds of other horrible things. Since this happened, I’ve been in terrible shape. I’ve tried working out every day, and it helped me feel great and notice I was looking a lot better, but I’ve found I’m not happy unless I have a woman in my life. I think I have a problem. I’ve been talking to 2 different girls for the past month or so, and I’ve honestly felt great. But one of them just flamed out, and i don’t know if I’m feeling it with the other girl. Ever since I came to this realization, I’ve been in the absolute dumps. I need help and have no idea what to do. I have plenty of great friends, but they all have serious relationships going on. I don’t want to be with any of them because it kills me to see them so happy (like I used to be). I feel like something is wrong with me and I’ll never find someone. This depresses the absolute hell out of me and makes me just want to give up in life. I honestly don’t know what to do and I feel on the edge of a mental breakdown. My ex dumping me has really fucked me up, to the point of where I question whether someone is capable of actually loving me. I gave everything I had to that girl, and I still can’t believe that she could do what she did to me. I guess I’m just at a point in my life where I thought I would have somebody, and I don’t. It’s me, alone. I’m living in hell everyday and I just want it to end, whether through making it out or ending it quickly.
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self.depression
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I'm bipolar 2 recently diagnosed. What do I need to know?
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self.bipolar
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Why I've decided to keep on fighting, even if it seems so futile. https://imgur.com/a/VxDwF
So, I was rummaging through my folders to organise them since they're a mess. I found some things - On the left, is a note my mum mailed to me at the start of my first year of Uni as she knows how homesick I was, even though it had only been about 2 weeks since I left home.
On the right, is a cute birthday card that my little brother made for me. (Spider-Dan is another nickname of mine) in it, he thanks me for being the best brother he could have and drew a picture of himself and I fighting against a monster whilst I was super saiyan.
Seeing these two items instantly made me burst into tears. I just sat here crying, feeling completely broken. Guilty of the way I feel and how I want to die, knowing I have family that loves me. I don't want to be a disappointment to my mum, I want to make her proud of me. I don't want my sister and little brother to lose their big brother. I want to look out for them both and be there for them.
It can be so hard to carry on. Everyday I wake up not wanting to be alive, but I don't show it. I don't care about myself anymore. However, maybe things such as this are a reason to at least try.
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self.depression
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My life is ruined Have a bf but i can't go out because of agoraphobia due to feeling ugly as fuck and scared of judgment. I was hot when I met him but idk life's a bitch. I have no. Friend group or people I Hang with... I'm rotting away in my apartment. The worlds moving on and I'm not. I'm scared cause everyday is. Long nightmare going through the motions of depression, apathy and panic. I try hanging and cutting but Ima pussy. Life's unfair.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I am a waste of life, an oxygen thief I am such a terrible,awful and disgusting waste of a human life. I want to die more than I ever have. I am like a dark cloud that consumes and destroys everything and everyone it comes close to. I am evil and horrible. Tonight I made my boyfriend upset like I have most days for the past few weeks because he keeps talking to a new female friend more than me. He’s cut down talking to her because I got so upset but I still can’t help but be a cunt to him. I am disgusting and my ex boyfriend was right , I am a nothing. A nothing personality and I’ve always known I was an oxygen thief but it’s become even more apparent now.
I need to start collecting my pills. I need to end it
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self.SuicideWatch
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fuck this i go to school and absolutley hate it, all i do is think about different ways of killing myself. the only time im somewhat content is when im having a drink. i dont see a point in prolonging suffering when i could just end it all know. the only thing stopping me for the past couple of years is hurting my family. i wish i could just die and not have a funeral
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self.SuicideWatch
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My son woke up screaming......There was nothing I could do to help him. My son has childhood speech apraxia, he can say about 14 words. He woke up this morning at 4 a.m screaming. I attempt to comfort him and he ran away crying. I let him cry from about 10 minutes before trying to comfort him again. I struggle with this aspect of his apraxia. I try to comfort my son, from what was probably a bad dream, and I couldn't do it. He is trapped in his own mind and I do not have the ability to calm him. I wish I was more in tune on how to understand his needs. Lord willing, in time I will be able to better understand how to communicate with him. Feeling inadequate at the moment.
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self.offmychest
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Husband is officiating my SIL's wedding in two days and hasn't prepared anything. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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low energy, tired in the evening? im 20 is it normal for depression to make you sleepy? how do you cope with it? i dont want to sleep yet but my body does.. typing this on my laptop in bed
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self.depression
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Ughhhh I’m super pissed, stressed. angry, sad. I just don’t want to go on anymore. :/
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self.depression
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I'd love to go back in time and fix my life Knowing what to do and not to do is the ultimate power. I guess it could get boring knowing exactly what's coming but I could fix everything and not be where I'm at today.
Punch bullies in their faces, prevent broken family relationships, be better equipped for the real world, stop abusive father, have friends.
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self.depression
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It's getting tougher by the day, but always keep smiling! I am 20, can't drive, work at a very nice company, am forced to give most of my money from work to my father or debt collectors from my hospital visit, am in college full time, cant find love anywhere, and have none of my family that truly cares for me. I got diagnosed with severe clinical depression around middle school, and nobody knows. I put on the best act but it feels like i cant put it on anymore. After years of abuse, physical and emotional, being put down constantly by everyone, and the lack of love i receive from everyone, i still keep slowly deteriorating on the inside, but keep my outside shell constantly smiling. I can't keep it up for much longer. I have always been told things will never get better for me, but i do my best everyday to eliminate that thought.
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self.depression
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Does anyone else get anxiety about seeing their psychiatrist? I've been seeing the same psychiatrist for almost three years. I started seeing him when I went for anxiety issues related to my dad trying to commit suicide.
I have a hard time expressing my emotions and sometimes I feel like I'm going to see him just for a refill on my prescriptions and to discuss what has happened since I've last seen him.
Today, I have an appointment. When I have an appointment lately, I dread going for about the entire week prior. However, this time I really need help.
I was on Wellbutrin starting at age 15 for SAD, switched over to Zoloft around age 19, and stayed on zoloft for years for generalized, chronic depression. Around age 27, I started taking xanax after experiencing significant panic attacks. I've been on it for 3 years, only 0.5 - 1.0mg / day. I switched to cymbalta and buspar about age 28, stopped the zoloft to deal with GAD.
It seemed to work for a while. About a year ago, I started sleeping in (being late for work) and I literally could not get out of bed. I would sleep 12-16 hours on the weekends. It's continued into this year, and I'm now in a deep depression. I don't know what to tell my psychiatrist, plus I have deep anxiety about seeing him. I've already rescheduled my appointment twice to kind of "put it off", but now I am out of my xanax refill and I took my last dose this morning.
My appointment isn't until 1pm, yet I decided to 'extend' my weekend and work from home (in bed). I haven't showered or taken care of myself since Friday.
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self.depression
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I will never let a woman see my penis I hate it, honestly. It's either average or slightly below average length, but it's thin. So, so thin. I have a really difficult time maintaining an erection, and when it's flaccid, it's so small it's practically nonexistent. My balls are tiny, too. Hearing platitudes about how "size doesn't matter" just makes me angry because you know they're a lie and the truth is painfully apparent when people are willing to be honest.
I'm not going to go through rejection after rejection after rejection to find a woman willing to settle for it. I'm not going to go through the horrible experience of getting along great with a girl, thinking we have a really good connection, and then seeing her immediately lose interest and ghost me as soon as she sees my shame. I will never, under any circumstances, send a nude to a woman. There's nothing I can do to change my dick, so there's no point in trying. Even *if* someone could tolerate it, I'm a very fragile and vulnerable person, so I just couldn't take the devastation of having to go through repeated rejections. No matter how good I got at over stuff, I'll never be able to give a woman the sensation she could get from a thick dick. I would feel tremendously guilty about forcing a woman to be monogamous with someone as inadequate as me.
Just...no. Never. **NEVER**. I don't ask women out and I never plan to. No woman has ever asked me out, but if she did, I would just apologize and tell her I'm asexual. When I get a full-time job after college, I'm going to tell people I haven't had sex since college and am mostly asexual, to avoid the stigma of being a virgin.
This has been brewing in my mind a really long time and I just needed to let it out. I hate my stupid, shitty pencil dick, and there's nothing any woman could do to convince me to let them see it. Thankfully, I'm average looking (at best) and quiet, so people mostly leave me alone and I've never been aggressively pursued by a woman (and would take Vegas odds that I never will be). I will die a virgin, and will not experience the sensation of sex. Full stop, end of discussion.
EDIT Inbox replies disabled, so I don't have to read any comforting lies.
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self.offmychest
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I made a new career move and I can’t stop freaking out... [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I'm killing myself if I fail the entrance exam for the school I'm applying to [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is there an end to this tunnel? I am going to see about making an appointment to see my GP.
Even if I do not feel depressed in 6 months will it swing back around and carry on? I have read that it will always be with you?
I was thinking about creating so sort of dating sub reddit for people with depression just so that people do not feel so alone, obviously one person wont cure your depression.
what's your thoughts on this?
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self.depression
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Sharing what I feel Hi everyone!
I hope my post is ok. I know there's so many people needing way more help than I do. But I just feel like sharing today.
I can say I've worked my ass off all my life. I'm a carpenter/roofer since 16 years old. I have been working mostly 40 to 60 hours a week since then .
People see me as a workaolic and I can even feel some jealous friend for the thing I've accomplished for my young age. But most of them have not made any near close sacrifice that I did
Last year, I built my own house from scratch with my girlfriend. Took me 6 months. Reduced my job hours to 40 and worked at least the same on my house so around 80 hours per week. Made a great profit.
When I finished the house. Construction job market was bad so I had 3 month of unemployement insurance. Wich I'm not gonna lie... it felt good at the begining to have a small break. Summer came back with plenty of jobs.
Now I know I can't complain about my situation. Since I'm 25 with a girlfriend that I love. We live together for a year now and been together for almost 6. We have a brand new house already half paid, got a brand new truck in the driveway, a snowmobile, everybody in the familly healthy.
For the financial part I know I've worked pretty hard and the rest is luck that not everybody have.
Since the unemployed part it feels like my motivation is all gone. I still go to work but most day feel unending. When I'm home you can find me 98% of the time lying on the couch smoking weed, playing ps4 or trying to find something on netflix I haven't seen yet.
I don't feel like doing nothing like finishing the backyard or any chores we need to do around the house. Even go out to see friends is hard to get hyped to.
I don't feel depressed and I'm not sad. I'm just a blob that feel better the less he move.
Before I was saving half my money for the house everyweek and I had plans. Now I'm not saving anything and can't find new goal and I always procastinating.
What the hell is wrong with me? Did I burned all the energy in me last years from working too much? Did I just feel lost now because the house is now accomplished?
I just miss the energy I had...
I don't expect answer, but gotta say it feel good to share a bit.
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self.depression
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Why not kill myself ? Well I'm a high school senior gonna take my finals after 50 days i really need a very high result to get a scholarship to collage since no one will pay for my education ( no one is now I got a scholarship to high school ) I do think I'm smart and anything I'm really capable of getting that really high result if I have studied from the beginning of the school year but the shit I'm going through went to an extreme level in the past year and a half I couldn't even study I'm going through a lot from depression to domestic violence to a very fucky financial state ( 230$ a month with my whole family ) bullying and a lot of shit my life is really toxic I can't feel peace anymore if I didn't go to collage I'm nothing in this country even people with university degrees don't get a job those small jobs don't pay you enough money like i won't be able to get the 230$ we're getting now . I don't accept this to myself tbh I've lost everything in my life ran away from home and lived in an empty apartment with my whole family just to get rid of my father and he literally just came and stayed with us there after selling the house to pay his loans now he went to jail because I told the guy he's running away from ( because he loaned a lot of money from him and can't pay ) that he's hiding in our apartment so yea our financial state won't get any better it will just get worse we will always be dependant on my uncle . I've lost pretty much everything except my phone that I'm using now while writing this I was gonna kill myself at that time but I didn't because I just couldn't accept the fact of me dying I love myself and i respect myself so I just told myself that things won't get better I know but I can study and make my life better now I can't even do that and there is no meaning to love anymore for me so I don't see any reason to not kill myself . I will study my butt off now since my father went to jail and shit is a little bit more bearable but I have thousands of papers to study and not just study I have to perfect them and that's kinda impossible but I will try my best and then kill myself if I didn't get it because then I will have a totally valid reason to do it .. I don't have any motivation I gave up already but I will still try idk why
Eh I'm just talking about what's happening now but I've been through much more and it just changed me to what I am now . Life is disgusting I hate it
I really just wanna end it
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self.depression
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I can never push past the beginner phase of ANYTHING I pursue. Any hobby I put an interest in, it doesn't matter which, I can never get good at it. I've tried guitar, piano, harmonica, and I can learn the basics but when I get to advanced subjects I get stuck on them and can't muster the motivation to continue. I gave up on learning Japanese because I can't sit down and practice it every day, so when I do try I'm back to step 1 since I forgot everything. I can't stay committed to an exercise routine for more than a few days. I'm awful at drawing and painting. I can't commit to completing a single programming project.
I want to be good at something. There's so many things that interest me and I just wish I could fucking stick to one and get good at it. But I can't. I always give up and I hate myself for it.
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self.depression
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Exhausted Four weeks from graduation, two weeks since I've fallen behind. Two weeks since I've turned in any assignments, have gone to class, have left this room. The thoughts live and breathe here, taking away from the little energy I have left.
His smile helps, but only if he's around. Weed helps, but only to get the impulses out of my head. The downside is I become okay with being bored, just keep scrolling... And scrolling... And scrolling... Not getting anything done, but just continuing the cycle.
I am nearing the bottom of the hole, I can feel it. I'm tired of digging, but too exhausted to pull myself out. It's pitch-black. I've forgotten what the warmth of sunlight on my face feels like.
I am already in the grave. Now I wait until it's time to pull the trigger.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm avoiding my friends I went to school but it was too hard to keep smiling so I came back home. I tried my best to not cry and I did it but I cut instead. My friends called me but I didn't answer. They knocked at my door but I didn't answer. They sent me a message and I decided to answer. "Are you okay?"
Of course, I am NOT. But still I lied with a reassuring message "I'm a little tired but no worry tomorrow I here 😆✌" (emojis are the best to hide emotions)
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self.depression
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Everyday recently feels like a ‘Will I? Won’t I?’ Feels so frivilous and like a burst of courage could do it. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Twitching due to anxiety Is it just me or do I twitch more when I’m anxious? I twitch a little but when I’m not anxious (not sure why) but man oh MAN, when I’m anxious. It’s insane. Anyone else experience this shit?
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self.Anxiety
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My life is spiraling out of control. All in one morning. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I don’t know why but I think when I was young I had a voice inside telling me to do bad things to myself. The earliest I can remember of this was when I was 5. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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College / need advice How do you guys deal with your anxiety when it comes to school?
I just started a new college and feel like my anxiety has gotten 100x worse to the point it has made me physically ill. I get so scared and anxious just even thinking about going.
Last semester I eventually stopped going to school (I still passed somehow) and I’m worried that will happen again. I feel like my anxiety is taking over my life And the medicine I take now doesn’t help it just makes me drowsy.Please help thank you in advance
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self.Anxiety
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We took a break but it's ok My current boyfriend (23) and I (21) decided to take a break. We have been at eachothers throats for a while now and i have been yelling at him for a while. TRUTHFULLY, this has been a good decision even if I'm so broken right now. Since our break started we told eachother we wouldn't talk but it's been hard we check up on eachother everyday. And honestly... It's been nice to hear from him.
I have come to realize I need to cherish what I have, I have been very rude and emotionally abusive and without him and realizing I could lose him I made a promise to be there for him more, understand his problems and make sure he's ok too.
I noticed I only focused on myself, I noticed how selfish I was being and I noticed how emotionally abusive I was toward him. When you realize your mistakes and can admit, you know you were wrong for what you have done and you know you need to fix it. For him to even speak to me really tells me he loves me.
We're being as civil as we ever been and it's been nice. We make sure were careful with what we say to eachother so we don't set the stress off and make one another hurt. Were working on us as a individual and searching for ourselves as a single until we come together as a whole again.
Word of advice: take a step back, sometimes you need it in order to be stronger than you were. If it doesn't seem like it's working after the step back or during, leave.
Sometimes people don't deserve you or you don't deserve them. I have realized, he does not deserve the way I had been treating him and I have will fully admit my wrongs.
This will either make us stronger, or break us completely but were taking a month away no matter what and it's been hard.
I will love him, cherish him and get help for myself to become a better person, girlfriend and future lover and mother. I know that what I have done to him has been cruel and I understand I put blame on him. He was not the one to blame but to simply thank but I was so blind I only yelled.
Though, in the end I care for him, for his well being and I am always proud of him and what he does. He truly has made me see what love is and I will appreciate him more.
I can't wait to give him a hug again.
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self.offmychest
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No, I don't have a girlfriend. Please stop asking. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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(Tw: existential and philosophi panic) i posted this on mmfb last night and i haven't gotten any answers yet. I'm really disturbed and i need Somebody to convince me not to worry [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I don't want to be alive anymore. I can't stop thinking about my baby. He would've been one years old come the 15th. I hate myself so much for how I've handled this past year.
I completely screwed up everything in my life and ruined all of the relationships I had. I have nothing going for me anymore.
I've had plans to off myself come the 15th for the past year and I think I am going to follow through.
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self.SuicideWatch
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“Be Normal for once.” (18, M)
Recently, I’ve been stressed. I have a lot on at college and a lot of personal problems which have all piled up and in turn made me feel quite stressed, which is normal for my age.
Every time I try and speak to my mum about things, I receive the same answers. “Go and get a job to take your mind off things.” “Go and get a hobby and make new friends.”
I don’t want these answers. All I want is to vent! To express how stressed I’m feeling! I don’t want answers, advice or anything along those lines. I just want someone to listen to me, to hear me out! She may want what’s best for me, but being told to add to my work load isn’t helping!
So I try and explain this to her over a text. I tell her I just want her to listen, to let me get it all out, without butting in. To which I receive “That’s not normal. It’s normal for people to have conversation. Try and just be normal for once.”
So, I pledge this question to you; have you ever felt like all you want is for someone to listen to you, without butting in with “you should do this” or “This is how you could do better.” ?
Is it normal to just want to vent to a listening ear?
|
self.offmychest
|
"Bad" coping mechanisms worked better than whatever I'm doing now. I don't drink daily, get waisted, cut, overeat, or do drugs anymore and yet I seem more like a broken person now than I ever did. I should probably focus on school and getting into college or something, but I really don't care about that. I'm just a lazy piece of shit now. I miss when no one noticed I was broken and left me alone.
|
self.depression
|
I'm done, I'm just done. I'm tired of trying to be happy, trying to better myself, "putting myself out there". No one cares about me in this world - honestly the only people who actually have had a positive impact on me are you guys (thank you). UGHGHGHGH
|
self.depression
|
I know it doesn't sound right but I can't take depressed young people seriously I am mid late twenties and whenever I see a teenager or an early twenties ranting about their lives or about their depression my blood boils because I feel that they have a future, they are still young, they have the world ahead of them. I wish I was younger, I wish there was still time
|
self.depression
|
Recent graduate too anxious to face real life I’m 23, a recent graduate and got accepted at job that will help me start my career. Everyone is excited except me. I realized that this is not what I want to do for the rest of my life. I just feel pressured to have my life together. I feel so lost. I’m used to the student life, I never gave it a thought. I’m an adult. I have to face real life now. This has made my hair fall at an alarming rate.
I know I have to be rational about this and give it a fair chance. But the thought of actually going through with it terrifies me. I’ll be away from home, away from my comfort zone. Maybe this will help me grow. But I’m just feeling lost.
I am my worst enemy and always find a way to sabotage myself. I want to stop being so indecisive and overthink everything.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Tomorrow is my birthday and I don't feel excited. I'm hurting on the inside and want it all to go away.
|
self.depression
|
My parents might be alcoholic I live in a country where drinking is, let's say, quite popular? Not like everyone is walking drunk around here, but you know, vodka is a must on the christmas table for most of the families. You have guests over for a dinner? You need vodka.
But I think that my parents have a problem. My mum can't hold her liquor well, which unfortunately makes everything worse. It's not that she passes out, can't do anything at home, is abusive etc. Actually, it's quite the opposite - she tries cooking (although she sometimes fails even though she's a great cook), she keeps on cleaning the house while she's under the influence and she's very lovely. But that's what annoys me, too. Her voice changes a little bit after even one beer, her eyes can't really focus on me while we're talking, she's just acting weird and I really really hate it when I'm in a good mood and want to share some good things with her and I call her/come back home just to hear/see her like that. I just feel like crying every time I find out that she had something to drink. When I confront her about it, she often tells me I'm a bad daughter, because she does everything for me and I get angry just because she had one beer. And about cleaning the house - I'd really want her to have some time for herself, to get some rest when she gets home after work, but instead she buys alcohol (mostly beer and wine, sometimes vodka) and drinks it while cleaning the house.
She used to hide the fact that she drunk something, but gave up after I proved her wrong a few times (I found the bottles, the receipt in her bag etc), but she lied to me, she looked me in the eyes with that unfocused eyes of hers and that annoying voice she gets after drinking and told me that she did not drink any alcohol. And that's what hurts and makes me believe she does have a problem with alcohol - hiding and lying about it. When I got vodka as a gift from my friends and she found out she came into my room with a glass when dad was in garage and begged me to pour her some vodka. She literally begged. And told me not to tell dad. And when I kept on refusing she kept on begging, just like a small children asking their mum in the shop to buy her a candy. And then she got angry at me. When I bought myself whiskey (which she never liked) and kept it in my room (because every alcohol I keep in our fridge keeps disappearing) I noticed there was a little bit of it missing, she of course denied, then accidentally she admitted and then, together with my dad, they kept asking me to share with them. In the end they drunk all of it, not even asking me if I'd like some too (not that I wanted, but it was my alcohol after all, but they wanted more for themselves).
My dad also drinks, but he holds the liquor better so it's kind of different. But it also annoys me, he doesn't spend a lot of time in our house anymore, he usually sits in the garage, on weekends he often spends the whole day doing chores or something like that (he's the only one with the driving licence) and then he goes to the garage, comes back after few hours and goes to sleep. I talked with him, I told him that mum is not going to stop drinking, because why should she if he drinks. He told me he would stop, he didn't. Few years ago they were drinking together, at home, but as he said, now he can't because mum has changed and he just can't drink with her. The fact that he's drinking is also bad, he finishes work at 4pm and if I call him at 5pm asking him to pick me up, he can't, because he already had a beer. And that happens almost everyday, I had to walk alone in the dark and cold so many times because of that. Except for that, he acts normal unlike my mum, because one beer doesn't affect him that much, but on weekends his voice and behaviour also change.
And the worst is when they're both drunk, just like today, I went out at 6am, came back at 6pm only to see them both under the influence. They argue about everything and nothing, they don't want to be in the same room, they close the doors. They do love each other deeply, trust me, I see it when they're both sober, but alcohol ruins it all. I'm not against alcohol, I'm a teenager after all, I had my fair share of blackouts, but it's different when you're out with friends, and when you're at home and you're drinking and drinking and drinking again. I never had even a beer when I was alone, I'm drinking only with my friends, meanwhile my mum can drink vodka when she's alone and watching her TV show.
I talked with them. I begged. I cried. I tried to explain. But I'm getting really tired of it with every passing year.
Also, some may think that I'm exaggerating with my title, but for me, alcoholic person is not a person who can't walk straight, sleeps with bottles all around the floor and bed and vomits all the time. For me, it's a person, who can't stop drinking even that one beer. Who lies about it. Who can't change it.
|
self.offmychest
|
Whats the average age of suicide for guys ? [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Stupid argument I can’t get over I am severely obese with 80 pounds to lose. We are out of town at an air bnb and there is no food in the house that I eat. I’m a vegetarian. This morning I asked if anyone wanted to walk a mile to IHOP for breakfast and no one did. Fine.
Now it is lunch time and people are asking if I want IHOP delivered. No, it isn’t breakfast anymore it is lunch. I said Mexican food looked good but no one else wants that. Fine.
My son is hungry and I can make him eggs once he cleans a skillet. I don’t like to wash dishes so I figure he can clean it and I can make them for him. That would solve the problem of him being hungry.
My husband is obviously not hungry but being an absolute ass in front of all his friends. He is yelling at me to pick a place to eat and I don’t want to eat anything anymore. Then he says that I will continue to act like this if I don’t and I don’t think I’m acting any way.
He was like okay, let’s get Indian food so I had my son pick stuff and told him I didn’t feel like Indian so I wasn’t going to get something. Now he is yelling at me again in front of his friends and it is really bothering me.
I think I will just hide in the bedroom until my son washes the skillet and then make him eggs. Then I’ll go back to the bedroom which kind of sucks because I wanted to watch the game they have on too. They are all playing games on their computers so I was just sitting there watching it on the tv.
Obviously this is a stupid argument but I just can’t get over it. I feel like I’m going to cry over the way he is treating me in front of his friends. It is embarrassing and I’m the only overweight person here so obviously no one else is hungry but fatty fat fat me.
My son isn’t overweight but he is a kid so I want to make him eggs since he is hungry.
|
self.bipolar
|
I so want to just give up and move on from this So my doctor has decided to discharge me after seeing me for about 6 months, making the admission that he hasn’t been able to help me as much as would have been right. We tried lithium, Lamotrigine, Seroquel, and Latuda. I’m still going to continue on Lithium and Latuda. I now need to get a new referral for a new doctor which is going to take months. According to him my “numbers” still look pretty bad. Which is bullshit. I need to wait months again and I don’t feel any closer to being healthy. I’m still brainspeed x100, sleeping only with the help of Mirtazapine. My life has been on hold for my health. I want so bad to just say fuck it and move along from here. I want to quit therapy because it doesn’t seem to be helping any more. Try to study again and all. Everyone tells me it’s a terrible idea. I don’t even know why I’m posting this. Maybe it’s just a rant.
Am I the only one waiting for something to happen while being able to do nothing in the mean time? Are the rest of you working/studying and getting treatment simultaneously? I’m not. I’ve spent the last 6 months either depressed or manic and haven’t had a week of stability. I’m finding it so tough to study which is what is ultimately going to progress my career. I’m not able to drive Uber even in the mean time. I’m not able to manage daily activities or regulate my sleep. I’m an entirely dysfunctional human being. Is this normal? Did anyone else go through this for months and years? Did it get better? I need some success stories I guess.
|
self.bipolar
|
My awful ex bf and his awful ex gf, from whom I contracted a host of STDs, are good friends again and tell me to 'get over' the ongoing medical conditions I am now left to deal with. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Feeling lonely Hello, I have been struggling with depression for quite some time now but have not gotten the help I need due to parents not thinking that depression is a real thing. I am very unhappy and do not have many friends... the ones I do have do not understand me and I feel very alone. How can I make more friends? I’m very awkward and do not make friends easily. Also any tips on how to get the help I need?
|
self.depression
|
I might spend new years eve alone.. Last year i spent it alone.. I dont know it sucks. And i dont know what to do either, if i wait for someone to invite me, no one will invite me
|
self.offmychest
|
Sorry to bother I'm suicidal, I have a gun and I want to die. All my family is dead. Everyone hates me. I want to die. Why should I live?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Thank you for breaking up with me I was infatuated.
I thought we were in love.
I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with you.
I thought the extreme jealousy and controlling tendencies were normal.
They weren’t.
You broke up with me, and it killed me.
I thought I should just give up on life.
Well, I’m talking to someone else now, and life is great.
Things just feel right, I’m not stressed out 24/7, and I feel great!
Thank you for some good memories, and I hope you’re happy.
Being happy is the key to life :)
|
self.offmychest
|
Transition So I don't want to go to any of my friends because I feel like most of them are feeling similarly to some of my issues and I don't want to stress them out, and I also know that they simply won't relate to some of my other issues so I don't want to go to them.
Pretty much I've just graduated high school (NSW, Australia) and received an ATAR that i'm very very happy with, allowing me to do pretty much any of the University courses that I want. But, the transition that's about to occur is really overwhelming atm to the point where it's making me feel sick. I get that there are probably so many more people feeling even worse about the idea of transition from HS to Uni, but seriously the whole idea of having to meet so many new people is absolutely daunting. I hate meeting new people. I love my current friends and usually after a while I'm fine with people once I know them, but meeting them has to be one of my least favourite things. The person you meet at first is always just another version of them, you never know what their intentions are, you never know what they're really thinking of you behind their smiles and friendly personality, you never know if they secretly want nothing to do with you and are only being polite, you never know. And i fucking hate it. It discourages me from talking to new people. People who seem to have too much charisma or seem way too friendly when you first talk to them really intimidate me as much as I hate to admit that, and I really realised that today (I've just come home from various info-days at 3 large Unis in Sydney). I just hate this feeling, and I'm hating not feeling able to talk to my friends about it so I'm just spewing my feelings into a throwaway account here. I know everything will be fine in the end, and these first few weeks/months of Uni (that still arent even that close by yet) will probably be the hardest, but I just fucking hate it and I don't want to do it.
I can't go to my friends about this because all of them seem so excited about meeting new people. I feel like I'm the only person that I know who feels as badly about meeting new people as I do. It's just way too difficult to properly judge people based on their first impression version. Fuck that shit
|
self.offmychest
|
GUYS I have a friend who is considering suicide on discord, I do not know them in real life, and I am doing my best at the moment to help them. Any suggestions? [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Graduate next week... No jobs lined up, no idea what I'm gonna do... Starve I guess...
|
self.depression
|
What is wrong with me? Lately I’ve felt very low on self confidence. Not like I usually have a ton, but every time something doesn’t go my way or changes I react terribly. Sometimes I have to fight back tears over silly things. I also have begun to think of worst case scenarios in my life and relationships. I’m beginning to think negatively of those around me because of what I think they could do. I’m second guessing everyone’s good intentions and feel like i’m being set up for something awful. These thoughts cause me to feel more lonely and constantly trying to grab attention in order to feel less bored. However when I can’t get that attention I think that person is doing it on purpose, but deep down I know everyone is trying their hardest. But it’s such a fight in my mind to find that common sense.
There’s a small place in my mind that is telling me this isn’t true, but it’s fighting hard with my imagination that’s ruining my everyday life.
I had similar thoughts this summer that “the world was out to get me” type of mindset but it went away when I went to school and was able to start fresh. Now, being home from school and not constantly busy with something to do, these thoughts come racing back in to fill the time.
I have no idea what this is or what to do and how to save the relationships i’m self destructing.
Please help me.
|
self.depression
|
I fucking hate this Posting this on r/bpd as well. Been talking to a girl for about a week now. Had a phenomenal easy comfortable first date, I felt like there was a real connection. So of course I disclosed and she has since disappeared. She also said *jokingly* that she's happy I told her now before I destroyed her life. I know that she's a bad egg, but like honestly I feel like this happens every fucking time in different ways.
|
self.depression
|
Just starting on Buspar I’ve wrestled with anxiety for years. Lately I’ve been having panic attacks for the first time in years with shortness of breath and dry coughing. And the fear of having an attack is not helping my general mental state.
I’ve been off and on Xanax for years. Just starting Buspar today. Is there anything I should know or look out for?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Holiday season I have pretty bad depression as it is but when the holidays come around it’s worse. I have a lot of trauma from the holidays as kid involving some shit with my family. I tried to tell my girlfriend but she gets mad at me for “being negative” and that it’s “immature”. How can I try and seem cheerful around this time of year when it’s literally the worst time of the year for me?
|
self.depression
|
i dont feel like myself i dont know if i have a mental issuie or not, my mind is not mine. i dont feel depressed or suicidal but i dont feel like myself, i feel the need to make htese fake personalities that are real to me, they are real to me and i need them to feel happy and fufilled.
my post history is littered with my instability and i just want someone tohelp me before it getys worse
can yoiu please diagnoise me?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
start the year off right? why bother starting the year off right. why start the year off at all. i don’t want to do this anymore. and i don’t think i want to do it all over again for yet another year. i made it to 19 but i don’t think i want to do this any longer. i can’t. im exhausted and i’ve hit rock bottom and i’m fucking done. i give up. i am done.
|
self.depression
|
I totally froze and now I can’t stop thinking about it. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
I am 25, I'm worthless and I feel like my life is over [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Please help am I contradicting myself? I just need people understanding. I dunno what happened to myself? Sometimes I see myself talking with Ellen Degeneres. And sometimes more often then ever when inferiority strikes in I will keep on hating myself. Last night I have dreamt about quarreling with my anxiety mother, which I wouldnt do in real life because Im too coward to being right. I ask my high school friends to hang out and all they did was "seen" the message. Not even say no? They must know I'm a sick fuck. Maybe they know Im delusional. Who cares and who need fake friends anyways? I know it makes no sense whatsoever but I feel more happier like this.
|
self.depression
|
fuck my family right now i'm pissed now i discovered that my family has been reading my posts in reddit and probably tumblr and say that i shouldn’t do that because "people here are psychotics who tell you to kill your own family or yourself"
lol i’m changing all my passwords and i changed my tumblr url i am so pissed i am beyond pissed i feel so violated.
My family literally is talking about me behind my back and it makes me feel extremely hurt and violated. I’m just trying to vent and help other people and everybody here and on reddit, each and every single one of you is amazing and i love you all.
Fuck my family right now, like honestly I can’t.
i once did this to my sister and i only read one post she published in r/BPD about writing her own suicide notes and planning on committing suicide, but she was burning herself and being psychotic and about to commit suicide like I'm not in that place right now but it sure makes me feel worse that my family doesn't trust me. I am not psychotic, I have a great judgement of reality actually and my own therapist said it.
|
self.depression
|
I’m ending it in about an hour I’m going to be taking a mixture of psychotic medications and antidepressants. My life went down the drain when I️ was six,and has only gotten worse.
I️ don’t deserve to exist,I’m not even supposed to exist,I️ was born of a crime.I️ am nothing.never have been,never will be. I’ve gone to therapy for quite awhile,it doesn’t work.it will never get better.
I’ve left a note for my friends for when they discover my body.I️ don’t think they’ll miss me.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
parents give me anxiety I️ feel bad even saying this, but both of my parents make me anxious (in different ways). I️ currently live with my mom (I’m 27f) and she’s a lovely person who I️ like being around. But she’s constantly muttering under her breath, sighing, grunting, talking out loud to herself or the dog. These would be fine if they weren’t constant. Sometimes she drinks heavily and will stay up all night long doing these things, but with more intensity. I️ just go to sleep because I️ can not handle being so tense for hours on end.
My dad on the other hand, is such a jarring person. Well be having a normal conversation and he’ll just start talking about very heavy or emotional topics. I️ never know when he’s going to do this so I’m constantly on edge around him and it takes me days to return his calls sometimes because I️ never know what he’s going to talk about. Could be average things or it could be another venting session about his recent divorce.
I️ feel awful about feeling this way. These are my parents and I️ love them so much and am so grateful for everything they’ve done for me. Any advice on how to deal with this sort of thing?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm lonely I'm lonely IRL and I wish my online boyfriend was with me in person. I'm a College student, looking for a job right now and even when I try making friends at school everybody just short talks me or the previous girl I tried making friends with only asks about homework and doesn't text me anymore so I quit texting her.
I know for most it's the click that needs to happen but I'm not seeming to click with anybody around here. The only friends I have are the ones online and from high school. No matter how many times I invited one of my friends over I still feel lonely. I know I need to go out more but there's really no where near me where I can honestly go to unless I go alone.
Most of the people I know are too busy with work and school and I normally have so much free time I often get distracted with YouTube or anything similar. Video games don't keep my interest too long until I have something important to do like homework or work but I'm still trying to find a job but I'm getting no luck. I'm just way too nervous at interviews and I don't have that much confidence.
|
self.offmychest
|
Welp, got my official diagnosis! BP-NOS.
Truthfully, I'm over the moon. I've been tracking my moods for 60 days and while I have never had a two-week long major depressive episode, I've also never crested the worst of BP1 mania, though it has become debilitating at times and I've been more hyperaroused than I could handle.
This diagnosis fits me. This describes my behavior. And frankly, this is what I thought I had going in, before being given a provisional bp2 diagnosis.
Waiting for my pills now. Lamictal and another as-needed medication to reduce brain activation when needed.
And my boyfriend is home from the hospital!!! Hooray!!!!
|
self.bipolar
|
Seroquel and Anxiety I was diagnosed with bipolar last week (type inspecified) and put on 100mg Seroquel XR. Since then, it's made me unbelievably anxious. It makes me tired but I have trouble sleeping because I'm anxious all night and it's been a challenge for me to leave my house. I saw my doctor yesterday and he wants me to start on 300mg as of Monday. Today, I was too scared to leave my own bedroom until my boyfriend managed to coax me out with dinner at 8pm.
Has anyone else experienced increased anxiety on Seroquel? And did it get better? Will an increased dose make it worse?
|
self.bipolar
|
"When everyday is Halloween for you, because your life is a living nightmare" is a quote I connect way too much with.
|
self.bipolar
|
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