text
stringlengths 39
36.7k
| label
stringclasses 5
values |
|---|---|
Dead Inside I’m at the point where I’m past sadness
I just feel empty or hollow.
I go through the motions of life everyday but I’m not present .
I’m supposed to be getting better but I’m becoming something much worse and I live in my head all the time. I can’t care about anyone anymore and I certainly don’t care about myself. I’m only still alive because I know my family wouldn’t take it well and it would be selfish of me to put this pain on them. I just don’t see the point in trying anymore
|
self.depression
|
Depressed and anxious, can I talk to someone please? I have an important uni exam in a few hours and I can't study because I'm so anxious and depressed. I'm so tired, I just want to give up, I'm stupid as hell and uni seems pointless. Plus for some reason I have this horrible feeling that something bad will happen, my stomach hurts because I'm so nervous and anxious.
I just want some words of encouragement. Nobody ever says positive things to me.
|
self.depression
|
therapist said she isn't able to help me So I went to see a therapist cause I was close to killing myself and i told her about how my scars were bothering me and she basically told me she can't fix my scars so I guess i'm fucked? Life is fucking miserable living as a monster in the world simply because I have scars that I had no choice over. If a therapist can't help me then I guess I am hopeless and am just going to kill myself now as opposed to waiting to inevitably kill myself in the future anyways. What's the purpose of life when people treat you like shit simply for how you look. Guys make fun of me and girls laugh behind my back. I have never had a girl interested in me and never will. Whenever I go to get my haircut the stylist always tries to get it over with as fast as possible since they do not want to be in my presence. My existence is pain and time to get rid of it. No one is going to read this but I felt the need to write this to someone as I have no one to talk to in real life.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I wish i could dredge up Something, Anything. My mother is yelling, screaming at me, and i don't yell back because none of it matters
My sister is sobbing, her heart broken. I force myself to hug her because it's what i know i *should* do.
I stretch for those feelings, I fake it. Some part of me hoping that somehow that will make them real and for the most part i succeed. i've fooled myself into thinking that what i feel is natural, But then these feelings are tested. Any slight pressure and i am reminded that a part of me knows, always.
knows that i'm just empty, hollow.
It's hard for me knowing how i once felt, Knowing that the old me would not have to force myself to comfort my sobbing sister. To care about the world.
For a long time i didn't even realize i had depression, so when something like this happened it made me feel like i was a broken human being. Even now i still feel like there is a piece missing, a part of me that at some point in my life just stopped turning and i find myself wishing my emotions were tearing at the walls like they sometimes do because for some reason it's validation to me.
because it's validation that i am *Alive*
I'm sorry if this feels too- *dramatic* for you but it describes how i am
|
self.depression
|
When struggling with depression, it better to ask for help or not have to rely on others and learn how to deal with your it on your own?
|
self.depression
|
Heelp I feel like I'm being bullied
no -- I feel like..
idk!!
https://www.reddit.com/r/aspergers/comments/7kdgp3/seems_like_i_cant_do_stuff/
the replies here.
and then looking at the stuff like this after I clicked on the links there and seeing my older threads https://www.reddit.com/r/aspergers/comments/76g1aq/no_one_treats_me_fairly/dodox17/
I feel like I don't belong
I just want friends that like anime and Nintendo ;-;
|
self.depression
|
Posting this here as it correlates more with this subreddit (check my previous 2 posts for more context) Oof that's a long title. Anyway, I am going to my first group therapy session tomorrow (I have quite bad social anxiety). Then after that session, I'm going to meet someone from when I was back at school (I'm 20 now). Anyway point is, I never really spoke to her during school but we know about each other as we once shared mutual friends. She wants to meet up with me and I'm really anxious about it. (I'm not the best looking or company and she's so pretty). What makes it super scary for me is that she wants to spend time with me over coffee and possibly head back to mine. I'm probably over thinking everything but it just really makes me nervous. Like I'm happy to finally have someone to meet up with. But I'm also terrified as I've spent the past couple of years on my own >~<
Sorry about the long read but ehhh I needed to vent it somewhere. Any suggestions would be appreciated. If there can be x3
|
self.Anxiety
|
My Experience Of Depression, I Want To Share And Maybe Get Advice. Im 15, but i had depression and anxiety since i was 4-5 years old, i know how to control my feelings and frankly i never do illegal stuff like my friends do(drugs and etc.) and i never hurt myself but recently my feelings are being too heavy on me. I think alot to a point that i dont get sleep. I actually feel pain in my chest. I have a family that cares about me i have teachers and people that want the best for me. I want the best for myself, i train in mma and study with a commander to become a commander myself but i still feel like im not worth anything. I consider committing suicide everyday I don’t do it because i want to live. But its hard to fight against myself because i can win. I wake up feeling worthless, going to school just to stay there for 6 hours and not learn anything for my future, hiding my feelings from everyone i want to tell them but i fear the consequences, i only have friends even though i try to establish a relationship. I cant find anything to keep me motivated anymore. I just cant do anything without feeling like shit after. But I should be happy, i feel happy but I don’t know if i do feel happy. It honestly hurts just thinking at this point. Because everything i think about is pain and how bad i am. As i said i have alot of experience with depression but at this time it hurts the most.
The most confusing thing is i dont cry i feel pain and it breaks me but i dont cry i feel like I should but i dont. And when im happy i feel happy but its just for that moment after that im back with my thoughts my thoughts that keep me awake. I have no idea why its that bad or what is happening to me. I know it’ll pass but i don’t know how much more pain i need to suffer. Im strong and i have people to keep me strong but I don’t trust them. I only trust myself but i dont think that trust can be held any longer.
I have mild PTSD as well (as my psychologist said) so i rip the skin around my fingers and i rip the top of my nails as well as rattle my leg when im sitting down and touching the top of my nose to assist my stress. He says that i just have alot of stress that i live with but if you stop doing those thing your body forces you to do, it’ll cause alot more stress. So thats that. (I learned how to control my stress but not my depression/anxiety)
Sorry if its hard to read but if you can address even one thing it’ll be appreciated. I need some advice or anything that’ll help. Because i don’t know anymore
|
self.depression
|
The Giver I feel like I'm a crutch for my friends. They all have such disabilitating mental problems and it's not like I DON'T, but mine isn't as bad. I pretend to be happy and content for them, because I don't want to add to their problems and I want to be a good friend, but I feel like I'm going under recently and I've found I can't bring myself to talk to them about it. I'm scared if they see how bad I am they'll be annoyed that I'm putting my problems on them and they'll leave me. I don't want to feel like this anymore but I don't want to be alone, either.
|
self.depression
|
Down on life, I really screw up a lot of things. I’m not sure where to put this. I’ve been feeling really really down lately. I have absolutely no reason too. I have a great job and I just recently got married.
I have a problem, I have lied in the past to my current wife, but we have been together for over 4 years. I almost feel like I’m a chronic lier. I don’t feel like I make her happy, and she doesn’t like to talk to me when she’s upset. Which she has every reason to be.
I’m terrible at communicating, I have trouble talking to her about things that are upsetting me. I don’t really have any friends, and I really just need someone to talk too. Sometimes I just catch myself thinking I wish I wasn’t alive or she could probably find a husband who is much better than me.
I just feel kind of useless as a person
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Does food make anyone else nervous? Sometimes when I'm really hungry and order or make something I get nervous when it's in front of me and can't eat anymore. I can be starving and if I see a huge plate of food, my stomach cramps up and I'll eat 2 or 3 bites. Does this happen to anyone else?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Just one person to talk to. Hey. Im in pretty hopeless depression since mid-2016.
Is there anyone who i could talk with here? I don't even need to talk about my problems. Just talking to someone.
|
self.depression
|
I hate you, I hate your family, get out of my store and die in a fire. PLOX. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
What do you listen to, to cope with depression? I've been listening to Lo-fi and it's helping me with loneliness(quite ironic) and I would like to know what do you guys listen to to cope or to soothe your pain?
In case you wonder the songs I've been listening to:
Růde - eternal youth
Kudasai - the girl I havent met
Eisu - elisabeth
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Tactis to deal with anxiety that have proven successful? What successful tactics have you learned to use when you are having anxiety whether it's a huge anxiety attack or just moments where you feeling a little anxiety?
|
self.Anxiety
|
How can I put up with toxic parents better? I'm a nutjob, and I get it from my parents. I had issues with mental illness to the point that I had to withdraw from classes. My parents said I was a failure and told me I was getting kicked out the house. Well yesterday I'm able to bring my first girlfriend to thanksgiving dinner, and suddenly their tune has changed. From booting me out of the house, they're now hoping I start a family. I can't blame them for my problems, I know getting away from them wont fix my problems. However they are toxic enough that they definitely don't help. My dad has a temper and if he gets mad he wont hesitate to strike me. They both consistently call me a failure and never support anything I try to do. They're really not understanding of my mental illness. But the thing is I'm not ready to move out yet and not capable of living on my own at this moment. So how can I better put up with them until I can deal with them?
|
self.depression
|
How has anxiety/ depression effected your sex drive? And has it become and issue for you? I have random bouts of up and downs. I am on meds though, so that much I can understand. But for those who are not, how has it effected you?
|
self.Anxiety
|
The newest worker at my job got promoted and she has not once cared about work. I cannot sleep over it so I figured I'd rant.
She obtained this job about 2 months ago, and it took her about a month to even start caring to do anything at all. I found out she has a relative who works higher up in the company, which is how she obtained the job. From the first day she started, my department was emailed saying "please accomodate our new person as much as possible because she will be working especially with me, answer any question she had and be as nice as possible!" It was clear she was getting special treatment.
She did not have access to almost any database we have, and when i told her to ask our boss regarding a person because I was dealing with another issue (instead of her literally sitting sitting there doing nothing but watching me), she says "nice try but no thanks".
It is just disgusting to me how I have seniority, and everyone at work knows how much I care about my job and coworkers and want to do more, but because I don't have such an important connection hard work is so overlooked. I have a notebook filled with things I need to know about for my job. I look into stuff at home just to be well prepared for any questions a customer would ask me, even though I can send them to another department.
I know this is a normal thing that happens in a work place, but holy shit. I don't understand how my boss can't see how unjustified this is. I can't stop thinking about it and I need to find a place that cares about actual hard work.
|
self.offmychest
|
I Feel So Stupid. I Think He Wanted To Have A Sext Buddy Or Someone To Fall In Love With Him To Feed His Big Fat Ego .>:O
Idk but something was definitely up.
|
self.offmychest
|
My first post ever (Maybe someone will read this?) [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I don't know how to fix myself I feel like I've been going through the motions for a long time. Just the motions. I feel like I almost don't know how to be happy.
I don't think i go a week without crying and then I just feel stupid because I cried. I want to know what it feels like to be truly happy. I don't know it yet though. Between high-school, esteem issues, daily anxiety, I don't know how to manage.
I've got anger issues as well and it all just affects my life in the worst of ways. I've been trying for a long time to do better but I always find myself running in place. When i do improve, I find myself back....here. Sometimes fear that happiness will never come.
Usually when I feel like I'm happy. Even momentarily. Even for a day, over the most minute thing I fear it won't last. Anytime anything good happens to me, I feel like something shitty has to happen to balance it out. I've just got the (albeit irrational) feeling that life is against me.
I want to find my way out of this hole. I just don't know how.
|
self.depression
|
If I don’t feel depressed I feel empty. When I’m not feeling depressed I just feel void of emotion.
|
self.depression
|
Dear Sorrow Dear Sorrow,
Today I am a frown. A sallow and sunken brow.
Grief returns to me, and all I may do, as I have always done, is reflect on my penitence. As usual, the only place where my reticence dies is in the comfort, if you like, of my own abjection. I am all at once a young boy again but with all the dejection of an aged man whose eyes have seen all but enough to cause them to have shed a lifetime of tears. A lifetime worth of sadness. Goodness, I wonder how much I'd have saved up if I had kept all those droplets in a bottle over the years.
Sorrow, you are such a lonely little spark, filling me with guilt when shared but will only grow when left in isolation. However, in truth, the real and most powerful cause of the wetting of my eyes this time is that in some sincere way, I have missed your little ember. I have missed you like the old and pitiful friend that you are. You bring with you all the injustice that I had forgotten, all the kindly faces that have disappeared from me, and all the regret that I may have contemplated, once upon a time.
You are aware though, that I am not one much for regret and so I know you will only allow him to linger like a distant and sour frangrace. But you are also a friend, and duly remind me of all the joy and wonder that has preceded your every arrival. You see, I know that you have grown, much in the way that I have also grown, and that every time we greet one and other there is far more to reflect upon, far more to laugh about and always, far more to hold in remorse.
And so it is, dear friend. What bitter wine have you brought to me this time? What strange complexion will come over me once more? And when shall I see you again? For I always try to prepare something, but you are forever stopping by in surprise.
|
self.depression
|
Thought about/Help with Online Therapy I’ve been struggling with depression and anxiety (and most likely something else) for the past ~seven years and it has debilitated me and messed up a lot of my life. I have intense anxiety and whenever i go to a therapist i usually end up lying and not being honest, i’ve had one therapist that was through skype before and she was the one i was the most honest with (she’s the only therapist i’ve ever told i was gay but i still was not entirely truthful) And i came a cross a few websites saying you can have an online therapist you can talk through texts/audio messages/video messaging so i was wondering what your experience was with these websites? like betterhelp or talkspace
thank you very much!
|
self.depression
|
What happens if you get caught committing suicide by the police? Also I'm 16, so will they tell my parents? Thank you
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My sister is depressed. I have a history of depression. I have no clue how to help her. How can that be? I feel like a failure right now.
backstory:
I was planning going to a community college for this semester. This is my sister's first semester. She's having a very hard time leaving behind this horse barn that she worked at. She was so standoffish and... well... depressed as she was preparing to leave... that my parents asked me to switch colleges to go to the same college that she is going to so that I can be with her to help her through the semester.
She was closed off from our parents, and now she's even a little closed off from me. We still talk, text, and see each other around campus, but our conversations are more dry and monotonous than usual. I don't want to push her too hard to open up about being depressed and what's causing the depression, but I have to do SOMETHING.
I want her to go to the tuition included student counseling, but I almost guarantee that she won't do it. I haven't talked to her about it yet, but I will.
She's been sleeping more, emotionally closed off, melancholic seeming. I feel like it's classic depression.
The f'd up thing is that I know (or used to know) exactly how she feels. When I had depression, I was so closed off that no one else knew about it. I thought about killing myself every hour of every day for months. It was hell. What I can't really figure out is why I was utterly unwilling to talk to ANYONE about it. I didn't talk to a soul about it, except I made anonymous posts to r/suicidewatch, which helped some.
Anyway... Right now I'm personally doing... good for me. I've had issues with suicidal thoughts since I was 14 (21 now). They're here and there, but I have them managed at the moment. I'm not really concerned about myself... I'm concerned about her.
So given that I SHOULD have empathy and understanding for where she's coming from, I SHOULD be able to approach her and give her help... but I'm at a loss right now. I'm so scared that if I talk about her depression or bring up counseling that she'll close off from me, which would be a far worse situation for both of us.
I'm walking on eggshells here.
wtf do I do?
edit: Ok, I just realized that I'm still unwilling to talk to my parents about my own history with depression and suicidal thoughts. I don't know if it's embarrassment, or fear of judgement or what... I think primarily I don't want to add another problem to this super shitty situation... especially because it will make my parents even more worried about everything given that they'd be worried about me AND my sister. I can't do that to them. But I think that there's another reason that I won't tell them... I tell myself that I don't want to know how they'd react. Maybe that's why.
Ok something else. My brother also has had issues with depression, especially in the past. See the pattern? WTF. Is depression genetic, or is it some kind of living situation that facilitates this bullshit. Why is it that 3/4 siblings are f'ing crazy. That's a disgusting statistic.
HOW CAN I HELP HER?
edit: Now I'm scaring myself. I remember how close I was during my worst time. Right on the edge. How close will she get? I can't risk that! But how do I keep her away from it???
I need to see her in person every single day and talk to her. meaningfully. I feel like that's the start to a plan to approach this.
edit: There are 820 of you here right now. Please. Please could at least one of you just give even the smallest input for me?
|
self.depression
|
Always have, Always will I love you A. Always have always will, nothing will change that. Ever. I'm about to go see you but it doesn't matter. You'll never look at me the way I look at you.
|
self.offmychest
|
The masks we wear Is anyone here sad with the fact that we have to maintain every false role that we make? I mean, when I talk with my good classmates I often say bad bullying words that I never would like to tell to anybody. I lose the control of everything, like my body and soul, when I am doing something with other people. Even when I speak with my parents (not so often) I always show myself as a "normal son" who they know years ago.
Sometimes after a day of school I feel like I am possesed by others and I can't do anything to listen to my true consciousness.
I hate being liar about myself
I hate being someone that is not me
I hate losing control
I want to be at least stable with my relationships with others
I hate it.
|
self.depression
|
Welp. Sleep disturbances It's darn torture trying to focus on your academics when your sleep pattern gets awfully fucked depending on what episode you're at.
When I'm manic, I usually only get around four hours of sleep when I'm lucky. Otherwise, well, I find myself getting as little as half an hour of sleep - or worse, none at all. I've never really lasted more than three days without sleep though.
When I'm depressed, I tend to sleep more than half of the day. Or idk actually. It's getting hard to discern normal 'tired' days to those where I'm experiencing a depressive episode, as my manic episodes tend to last much longer than my depressive episodes. (Usually 3 months, compared to around two weeks for a depressive episode). After such a long manic episode, I crash in a hard and quick fashion. Obviously, as I'm put through so little sleep during such an episode, my body recovers by making me rest more. During the recovery period, I usually am horribly fatigued, not really able to do much.
Any tips on coping with the crash-down after a manic episode will be greatly appreciated. I'm not going to take a risk and be prescribed medications ever again after being misdiagnosed (and having to erroneously take medication for) major depression.
|
self.bipolar
|
Been waiting for psychiatrist appointment for 2 months, suddenly feel better now that its less than a week away. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Looking for some short term coping tips. Few days ago PC broke down. New parts don't come in for two weeks. Video games were my main coping method, and because of this, I no longer have access to them. For the past few days, outside of school, my time has only been spent watching TV and finishing homework and it feels so torturing. Two weeks isn't long but it feels like an eternity. There is no where I can go outside of school to keep myself busy, and I don't have access to professional help due to a not-very-ideal home life.
I'm losing motivation and turning into a bit of an asshole due to this so some advice will be really helpful. If any other info is needed, I will gladly provide upon request.
|
self.depression
|
Can’t stop worrying about this and I feel like a horrible person [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Not sad or anything, but damn annoyed by my circumstances the past month. **DISCLAIMER:** There is going to be a very long wall of text worth 9 paragraphs of me typing out of my mind with 0 proofreads. If you don't want to read that, reading the **TL;DR** and giving me feedback will mean a good amount to me. If you're also not up to nitpicking certain things from the wall of text to give context on the **TL;DR**, I'm down to reply and answer questions once I'm up from bed tomorrow.
_________________________________________________________________
Hey guys, and Happy New Years! I hope you all had fun at the bar/time's square/shibuya/ximending/clubs/home with friends/family/loved ones!
I just realized how cheesy it is that I'm venting on the New Year. I'm in Japan, just came back from the club, had only 5 drinks there, all in the first 2 hrs then let it sober down a bit. Anyway, I'm here now just to release some stress since I have no one to talk to about this right now. No, I'm not depressed, but damn am I frustrated and damn does my body ache after all the attempted dancing!
Anyway, to start, this past month of of December, of what was supposed to be magical has just always turned the key moments just the right amount of sour disillusionment. Let's start this off with the main girl.
___________________________________
So, I have a girl in my life, sorta, let's call her Ann. I met Ann in my local Community Japanese Class this fall. The first month or so of class we only exchanged glances really and I always tried to do whatever (only small) interactions I could with her as an excuse to just get my vibe (for lack of better words since my head's pounding right now) to pass by her. We start exchanging glances every now and then. One day our teacher had us ask 5 other classmates out to do something over the weekend together for practice. There was, 'let's go to the cafe/skiing/restaurant/park/etc' you get the idea. One of them was pretty specific, "Let's go on a date to Little Tokyo!" Of course, I picked this one and asked Ann to go on a date with me. I thought it was cheeky enough to be cute. Of course for assignment's sake she told me yes, but then I asked her "For real though, I'd like to take you on a date." She agreed but told me a later week would be better since she's busy with school stuff, high school stuff, yes, this is when I found out she was a senior in high school. She's 17, 18 in a few months and I'm 20 going on 21.
Fast forward to mid-November, my teacher has us choose skit partners. The last 2 skits Ann had to do was with a pretty insufferable albeit nice weeb that she quite evidently felt creepy vibes from, not to mention he was pretty awkward. She stares straight at me and points at me with her phone and tells me, "I want you to be my partner." Okay, pretty direct, I like that. So we exchanged numbers and became partners. From that day, I walked her to her car after every lesson. We played it off as friends at first. After class, we texted all day, I then asked her if she wanted to go on that date to Little Tokyo I asked her on the month prior, she replies that she'd love to, in Japanese.
Now onto the date and I guess the biggest feeling of confusion I've been feeling. We go on our date, we hit it off really well, talked the whole car ride there and at the restaurant, I fed her her first bite, then we went to take pictures at a local photo spot in Little Tokyo. It was all really cute and great for a first date. Sheepish me is kind of bad with initiating romance, so like when I walked her to her car earlier that week, I kind of just played it off as friends, only really held my hand over her shoulder at most. After we took the pictures, she turned around with puppy dog eyes and said, "NYEthrowawaytovent-san, anata wa totemo kakkoui desuyo." to which I replied with a fluttering heart, "Ann-san, anata wa totemo kawaii do kirei desu." with a warm smile. Now, we're only in Jap 1 so if the grammar's bad, then yeah. Anyway, after that we started holding hands and maybe I'd hold her by the hip, it was a romantic walk back to my car where we then talked about life for a good 30 minutes before I had to drive her home to get her back before midnight. I found out that she's an amazingly diligent and overloaded high school student, a modern day renaissance-woman really. I was in awe and felt a to tell her that I simply just study Business at the comm college and I'm pursuing a mortgage broker license. So I take her home, we get out of the car, we hold each other, and she does her signature nose scrunch and nuzzles my nose and tells me again that I'm kakkoui. I then was about to kiss her but then she said, "Shoot! - Parents!" and so I grabbed her cheek quickly and gave her a peck, waved to her mom, and said my good byes and thank yous. Date's a success! Maybe??
Now the next couple weeks afterwards, we're still snapchatting and stuff, except I notice she's not the lovey dovey type, which is fine, and I notice that messages began to be a bit more curt but at the same time she'd occasionally send slightly heartlifting things with emojis. Oh, then we had this little 'challenge' thing where we were bantering with eachother over instagram DMs, it ended with a "this town aint big enough for the two of us (insert cowboy emoji)" and she asked if that was a challenge, I said yeah, and boom, she blocked me on instagram and she kept giggling about it to me over snapchat. We had a snapstreak of about 2 weeks until she stopped replying for 3 days, talk about poor timing. I originally got freaked out and felt that maybe I did something wrong by being too quick to respond, or always messaging her first, or maybe I'm pushing the relationship too fast, however, she told me on snap afterwards that she's sorry that she went MIA, but she had to study for post Thanksgiving tests, which we discussed earlier. From then on I just felt that, "Wow, she's really studious and has good discipline."
(Okay, I swear this is the 2nd to last part)So now we have one more week of class at the college together, this paragraph is going to cover the last class meeting and all the shit (or lack thereof) that has happened until now. I decide to get her a small Christmas gift. Now, we've tossed around date ideas a bit during that 2 week snapstreak but were never able to capatilize on it because we lacked time. She had finals and she's a diligent student, I have a part-time job and my own classes; so for her Christmas gift, I got her an agenda planted sticky notes in there with date ideas. Last day of class, I know she's been busy the last few days. We took our final test and I waited for her to finish and told her I got a gift for her. We walked to my car and had a nice chat, I handed her the bag and I told her, "I'm not going to tell you what this gift is, but as a hint, it's sad that we didn't have much time to spend together since we've been so busy and I'm going to my Taiwan and Japan on Friday, so I got you this and I hope you like it." She then told me with a tone of surprise, as if she forgot to tell me, that she too is going to Taiwan. I was psyched! I asked her what days, apparently we had about 5 days where we'd be in Taiwan together. However, the caveat is that her parents made the trip last minute and made an itinerary with her family members so she may not have time to hangout with me. Understandable, but again, a pity. So we discussed more about our upcoming vacations, it sounded pretty unlikely we'd have time to hang together. As we said our good byes since we knew we won't see eachother until at least the New Year, she told me about all the performances and tests she had coming up and she stood there, looking like she was going to cry. I embraced her as warmly as I could and kissed her cheek then nuzzled her nose and told her, "You got this, you're amazing and you're the hardest working person I know, you kick ass." Then she sniffled a bit and say "Thanks. Well, now I have my performance to go to and I got 2 hours to power nap and get a coffee, bye!" and she waved and walked towards her car, damn do I wish I walked her to her car then or instead of staying by my car discussing our upcoming events.
Now, fast-forward to Taiwan, now is her final's week and my first week in Taiwan. Ann is MIA on snapchat, only told me to "have a safe flight" really. Whatever, she has finals week, she's stressed, however I don't think she understands my understandingness because I still self-consciously feel that I may be too pushy in this relationship and she feels obliged to respond to me as fast/often as I do but I only try to do so, especially after a long-lapse of no snaps, to send her motivational comments. Whew, what a run-on sentence. Now, her finals week is over, she told me again, "Sorry for being MIA, finals week was rough, but now I have to pack, cya!" I tell her good luck, don't forget anything, then ask her for her flight number. She gets back to me the morning of her flight saying she doesn't know, so I asked if her parents have her tickets, she says yes. At this point, she's being real curt, but I also felt that maybe the last message I sent was too pushy, so I tried to turn it into a joking jab, "I see, you're already on vacation mode, just letting your parents handle everything ;)" "You know me! (insert laugh-cry emoji), unfortunately though I have a lot of winterbreak assignments (grimace emoji)", I replied, "well, hopefully you can get those done soon enough and we can have time to hang :)", "maybe!" and that was it until Christmas. I eventually looked up her flight number as it was the only flight around the time that she was leaving, of course I didn't mention it to her.
Goddammit, another paragraph. SIGH. So now, she's landed in Taiwan, she doesn't reply to me until Christmas day passes. I snapchatted her, Merry Christmas, and also a "Hope you had a safe flight!" So now, I feel like maybe she's not responding because she has no data, she's busy enough with family so she isn't minding her phone too much, and maybe she has very minimal wi-fi at her relatives' houses. She messages me the morning after Christmas, "Sorry, Merry Christmas! The holidays have been busy, but now I'm going to go hang with my cousin (peace emoji)" I didn't hear from her after that except for a, "Have a safe flight!" when I snapchatted her my Japan boarding pass. Once I landed in Japan and tried to get my luggage and airbnb sorted out (which turned out to be a disaster), she snapchatted me back. I forget what we were discussing, but it was again, a pretty meh conversation. This was almost two days ago now, she hasn't responded since. The only snap I've sent her since was "Happy New Year" Before I used to drop by and message her everyday, whether or not she'd leave me on read, just motivational, "Good luck on finals/studying!" when the time was around and now I've been stopping myself from messaging her too much out of my own self-consciousness. She usually would just reply "Thanks" or occasionally leave me on Read.
LAST PARAGRAPH, I SWEAR.
Here are some lasting thoughts that should be considered when reading this. She doesn't ever send me snaps of her face, shes joked about how her pores were disgusting and I've joked somehow (can't recall, but it was clever) about how beautiful her pores were, still doesn't send me face photos or anything really interesting. She sometimes leaves me on read, I think she's only messaged me first after a large time lapse of leaving me on read or after finishing a conversation a few times. To this day, she still hasn't unblocked me on instagram, I had a friend tell me though that she's been posting on her instagram but I don't know if insta stories are included in that, if so, why aren't they on snapchat too; this joke/challenge is WAY too dreadful!" I know I sound VERY negative right now, but I honestly feel that because of our last in-person interaction at my car when I gave her her gift, this relationship is still alive. So ultimately, I feel all this negativity I'm feeling mostly just has to do with poor timing and maybe some character mismatches me and her have. However, as (at least what I like to tell myself) a case for me, I would say that the reason I feel so 'stalkerish' and obsessive over this right now is because while we have had our cute moments, our relationship has never been concretely said as, "You're my girlfriend, and I'm your boyfriend.", we aren't official. I would like to point out that I do acknowledge my problem of searching for information that does nothing but make me feel dreadful. I also feel like I have always had TERRIBLE luck with girls on this limbo phase, 5 girls I've been on good dates with where we end up kissing/making out/having a wholesome handheld moment over the past 2 years have all ended right before the official bf/gf phase. Now, I realize that this may all be because of my pushiness for another date and also lack of initiative of romance since I'm picky with opportunities, however I feel like it's still a bit unlucky that I've been dropped so many times.
Anyway, that's my vent...I may come back the next few days to vent some more since this Japan trip has been roller-coaster ride so far. Thanks for reading, if you have read everything, and sorry for the lack of structure. I pretty much just wrote my thoughts on here and didn't go back to edit much or proofread at all. I hope someone here can slap me in the face with motivation, an epiphany, or some form of comfort be-it long-term or short-term.
__________________________________________________________________________
**TL:DR**
* Met girl in college class that's in HS, but we're only 3 years apart nbd
* She's a complete catch and we like the same forms of asian culture and she's exceptionally diligent and hard working
* I ask her out cheekily on date, the date was good, ended with kissing her on the cheek and no more because of a poorly timed interruption
* Talked everyday, sometimes she's MIA because she's studying and sometimes she's curt and leaves me on read
* She still occasionally seems very warm when we message, she's either warm or curt
* Last day I saw her, gave her a Christmas gift, kissed her on the cheek and gave her what I call an 'embrace of relief'
* She's coming to the same country as me for vacation for a few days, however, she prepares me the fact that her parents made the schedule so it was unlikely we'd go out, however, she still posts on instagram about her day (I don't know the dates of the posts) but I feel that sometimes she just posts on instagram and doesn't check snapchat, she leaves my messages unread for 2 - 3 days at a time
* I feel like I'm pushy and I keep self-harming myself emotionally with dreadful information I'm better off not knowing about
* I feel like I'm also unlucky with girls when in the not quite bf/gf limbo phase, however, I have my own faults
* Happy New Years!
_______________________________________
**EDIT:** This story is pretty specific, so Ann, if you're reading this, I think it's obvious I'm head over heels for you, and I hope you are too, or, that you like me enough to break my 'curse' and go out again once we're both back from vacation.
**EDIT2:** Added the disclaimer.
|
self.offmychest
|
How should I feel about this statement? "You look a lot better and nicer than the last time I saw you. Except you look like you've been crying."
|
self.depression
|
So I finally realized something this week... Been stuck in an episode since my birthday (just turned 25, as per my last post). Can't remember the last time I ate a proper meal. Sleep cycle is fucked. Haven't left the house in a week. Funny enough, I had planned on hanging out and doing some reading in a cafe today... only to never leave the house. All this time, I've been thinking how much I yearn to have someone, anyone, physically check in. Or a partner to cuddle with, hug, and hold me tight.... but all that just fades into the empty void.
I used to be Christian, and used to pray. Now that I'm not, I'm realizing how truly alone I am in dealing with all this. My friends all live in the city center. They have jobs and livelihoods. Ultimately, I have to physically do things by myself. No one's gonna save me. It's heartbreaking. Physically, I'm just so alone.
|
self.depression
|
Does anyone else's day get spoiled simply by hearing the Mail received alert from your stressful job? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Yay for mixed states! (/s) Y'all I couldn't sleep last night. Like literally slept zero hours of sleep. My anxiety is ramped up and I'm struggling to be in the present. I'm struggling to make sentences, but my brain seems to be going a thousand miles a minute. Tonight I am in bed by 8:30, and hoping to fall asleep soon. Also setting 500 alarms so I wake up in time for work.
|
self.bipolar
|
I’m done I just wrote a very long post in which I think I was more honest than I’ve ever been and it got deleted. I can’t do this anymore. Everything hurts too much.
It’s fine though because I know everyone will be happy to have me gone. No one will admit it to my face because no one wants to be responsible for the dead girl killing herself.
|
self.depression
|
I know I could get better if I put the work in. But it's so much easier and less stressful to just let the anxiety do its thing. The fear of being uncomfortable, or out of place, or whatever, keeps me from pushing myself and getting better. Is it laziness? Anyone else "comfortable" in their anxiety?
|
self.Anxiety
|
It's almost here- the year they're going to carve on my tombstone I always thought that it would feel morbid to type that but it actually feels great.
My last New Years Eve and my last one where I fret about being all alone once again (protip, youngsters: after about 30, maybe 35, your peers just stop doing NYE stuff and then you've either got someone with you or you're alone).
Another year with no raise in my salary, but certainly a raise in the rent.
Another year I can't afford to buy property in this overpriced garbage heap of a town.
Another year of medical bills and a failing body.
Another year of depressing news, political strife, dead celebrities, the daily outrage, maybe even a good old-fashioned war or two.
Almost tempted to stick around just in case a global nuclear war gives me the option for the world's cheapest funeral. Almost.
Just a few months left. So long December, you were always one of my favorite months.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Feeling my depression coming back..... Hello everyone. I go through phases when i am extremely depressed for months. I recently got a new job and things been going good for about a month now. Well the past couple days i feel my depression coming back. Any advice is appreciated. I dont really have a have support system other than my girl friend because i isolated myself from friends and family a long time ago. Im just sick of feeling alone and hopeless. 😕
|
self.depression
|
"ghosts" in my house again (stream of consciousness) or wait... its just psychotic symptoms cropping up in a time of extreme stress.
awesome.
full time job. many responsibilities. and you cant really tell your boss that there's looming company with you at work today. "Take Your Psychosis to Work" day.
I'm leaving early.
|
self.bipolar
|
Is there anyone else that has a hard time just accepting being happy? When I begin to feel anxious and/or I have a full blown panic attack, one of the things I try to do is go through messages I've saved or voicemails or letters or anything sweet from people who love me to remind myself that I am not this toxic mess that everyone wants to keep at arms length. But I cant help but be overwhelmed with the thought that I make everything worse. Like, everything that I should be proud of myself for or that is genuinely GOOD in my life, I cant help but spin it into a negative. Its this compulsion that I have to dissect everything and I wont be done until I find a plausible (ha, ya right) explination as to how I am/will fuck it all up. Im starting college this year. I picked up a second part time job on top of my full time job to save more money for school quicker. I am in therapy. I am learning non-self destructive ways to grieve my father's passing (thank you therapy). I am in a loving/healthy relationship with a man that is just so amazing, it brings me to tears. I have had a falling out with a long time friend (and slowly but surely getting over that) but I'm working on being more social and building better friendships with other great people. I have a cat that is always there for me and whom I love with all my heart. I have the best bond with my sister and especially my mother, who I live with now. And I've recognized my issues with alcohol/weed and as of a few weeks ago, began a completely sober life. I have things I should be proud of and accepting of. And when I'm calm and level headed, I am proud of myself/believe things are pretty ok. But with each thing I've just listed, I have a way to manipulate it to tear me down. Like my own secret weapon against myself. And when im panicking, I believe the negativity in my head. I believe that it makes more sense to do this EXHAUSTING dance of making myself believe I am this horrible piece of shit person than to just accept that i am ok and things will be/are already fine. Its like me being content with life has to be this huge conspiracy theory. It just sucks that if I want to enjoy life I have to work so hard to take it all at face value.
Im sorry for the long post/rant. This probably doesnt even make sense. I just am curious if anyone else experiences this? If anything I just appreciate you taking the time to read this.
|
self.Anxiety
|
How quickly does your depression set in? Sometimes mine has a really slow build-up and other times it hits all at once. What's your experience?
|
self.bipolar
|
Urge and fear of screaming at quiet places I don't know if this is directly related with bipolar or if it's psychosis or anxiety but whatever it is it's killing me. I was supposed to watch my friend's play at his school but I feel like I'm gonna scream in the middle of the play so now im hiding in a stall. Same thing happens in IOP and in class, just feel like im gonna lose complete control of myself and scream and embarrass myself. What is this, and can anyone relate?
Edit: Im about to go back in, wish me luck
|
self.bipolar
|
Lost another pdoc... why is finding one so hard? X-post to /r/bipolarreddit
Rhetorical question because healthcare is fucked.
Because I decided to go back to DBT, i got a letter saying my file has been closed at the clinic where I was receiving therapy and med management.
They have a policy that you can't see their doc if you don't see their therapists.
So I have about 2 weeks left of pills and am feeling discouraged. Part of me just wants to go off meds but I know that's a bad idea. Idk how I'm going to find a pdoc in such a short time. I'm going to ask my primary doc if he'll be willing to prescribe to me until I can find a new one.
Why is getting help so fucking hard?
|
self.bipolar
|
Work colleagues purposefully excluding me from after-work gatherings, I am sick of being isolated. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Random rambling about something random. Fuck.
I miss Lithuanian so much. It has been almost 4 months. It's so quiet. Just me and these texts. It can't continue like this. Nothing i write will have an effect on my plans. There are only 3 people in this world who have even a small likelihood of asking me something like "are you ok?", but they wont. 1 hates me, 1 fears me and the last one has his own demons to battle. It's a weird dream for me to have yknow? I shouldn't want something like that to happen.
Im starting to fear the end.
Goodnight.
|
self.depression
|
Possible hallucination? So I was feeling really good this morning, but not exactly manic. (I have Bipolar II disorder for context), I was driving to get breakfast and when I parked I opened my snapchat. I went to take a selfie and literally saw a man in the car seat right behind me, his face and everything. It wasn’t super clear but I know he was white with brown hair and I literally saw it for a split second because I gasped and dropped my phone and whipped around. No one was there, but it seemed so real to me I thought I was about to get murdered or something the second I turned around. I had to keep myself from crying because I thought someone really broke into my car. I looked around and there was nothing that could’ve looked like a person from the outside and the seats were just empty. I know the difference between seeing something like a coat that looks like a figure and actually seeing something even though it wasn’t actually there. It’s freaking me out, and I’m not sure what to make of it.
|
self.bipolar
|
Anybody have any experience with a certified recovery specialist? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Will power and endurance I'm finding things are taking too much energy lately. Mentally mostly. I have physical energy, which adds to my frustration.
I am trying to be productive. For example I played the guitar today.... only 20 minutes and I was exhausted.
Other tasks are similar. I try to summon the will power to overcome the hurdles of anxiety and lack of motivation, then spend ~30 minutes on a task before needing to stop.
I'm trying so hard to fill my day with small tasks to keep from crawling into bed and sleeping. I usually give in around now, so I thought I'd write this.
Typical stuff, I know, I know. Just looking for some commiseration I guess. Or any advice?
|
self.bipolar
|
Lamictal substitutes I think lamictal is making my hair fall out and i use it for bipolar depression (rather than mania), what are some drugs that treat depression that might be a good substitute? I know everyone is different but I figured I wanted to educate myself about the possible options and research them before my appointment.
|
self.bipolar
|
My trick for handling work email without FEAR All my email gets forwarded to a stupid hotmail account I have. Often I'm too scared to read the "real" email, but I read it in my hotmail (since it's a copy and not the original thing), a bit later I'm often confident enough to open & reply to the actual mail in my main email address.
Figured I'd share in case it works for someone else too ;)
|
self.Anxiety
|
Does caffeine make you guys depressed? I know that caffeine can make you manic but I've been drinking a lot of coffee and energy drinks lately over the past 2-3 weeks or so and the last couple of days I've just felt depressed as shit. Like horribly, suicidally depressed where I have no fucking energy and I just completely feel like shit all day.
|
self.bipolar
|
I Really Want to Kill Myself but Other Times I Can't Even Imagine Wanting to do it. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Does anyone else scroll back in their post history and get sad/angry at some of the things you posted? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Ever felt useless? I may not be the person that makes the suicide notes saying "hey if you are reading this I am already dead" if you are reading this and thinking I should kill myself, please reconsider your life. Don't be impulsive. Anyways I felt useless almost everyday in my life for the past 4 years. My grades have been going downhill, my parents don't encourage me anymore, just plain anger and they don't care any of my "small achievements". Every time I help them with anything they think of it as feeble attempts to redeem myself. I really just want them to be proud of me for once again. I thought last month my life was going to be back to normal again, I met my beautiful girlfriend, I met friends in which they treat me as a brother. Only which I found out later my newly found girlfriend is going to another country and right about now she is the only reason to why I am still hanging on. I have never experienced LDR and she is my first. I have this anxiety to where we would stop talking one day and she finds someone. Anyways back to where I am a disappointment. I am an only child and sometimes I wish I wasn't born at all. Atleast it would make my parents happy. They would make another son or daughter who is more responsible than me, more smart than me, more following than me. I just wish that my life would be so much better if I came to God asking him, are my parents happy with their my sister/brother? As I look down on my family all happy without me. And so I would be happy too. All my cousins are doing great in life. My friends too aren't suffering as I am. Guess I could make the world a better place if I go right ahead and overdose on something. I just want it to be quick and painless. I say if you want to take your life then think about it. But for me, there is a good cause for it, it could make my parents happy. I felt I haven't been enough to my girlfriend too. So it would be fine if she was to find someone better than me. I am a nuisance to my friends honestly. I am just one of those defective phones ready to be pounded and scrapped. For I am useless, and I have done nothing but hate, anger, jealousy, and disappointment. Just one gulp of a handful and I am gone.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
What do I do? I've never hurt myself in any way but today I am so close. Yesterday all was normal and good but today was just shitty, I don't even know why. I'm scared that when my mum goes to bed, I can't hold back anymore. What do I do? I don't want to do this, I just don't know if I am able to keep myself from doing this.
|
self.depression
|
Can someone please talk to me pm me please 1 [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
How fucked is this? Wife and I get drunk. She suggests we bathe together. She decides it's better if I bath alone while we talk. She leaves part way through. I fall asleep in the bathtub several hours later shivering uncontrollably and she's asleep in bed. We fight and I end up punching a hole in the wall (very disappointed in myself here tbh) and she falls back asleep. I'm here debating a glass of bleach and the main thought to convince me no is, "but if you die it will break her and she'll fail the NCLEX exam."
|
self.depression
|
Coming to terms with a bipolar diagnosis So I went to the doctor today to follow up on an appointment I had like three months ago where I talked about my depression. She prescribed me wellbutrin and it worked amazingly for like 5 days then seemingly nothing changed for like 3 months. Unfortunate.
I went today and talked to her more about how I feel and how I think, and she believes me to be bipolar, something I considered I might be a number of times. Reading through these posts is like looking through a mirror almost, it's shocking to see so many people who act and feel like me. I'm at least glad I'm not alone on this.
My issues started around late elementary school and followed me for most of my life (20 now). I'd go through periods of what I now recognize as hypomania and periods of severe, debilitating depression. Around 17 I started to use a lot of drugs to cope with these feelings I did not understand. I struggled to feel in any way normal during depressive episodes and thought I was the absolute *shit* otherwise. It hurts to think back and recognize all of the signs.
I was already pretty deep in a depression to begin with, so as you can imagine these thoughts have been at the forefront of my mind pretty much all day. I'm happy to be presented with the opportunity to understand myself better, but at the same time incomprehensibly sad that my problems weren't as made up as I thought they were. My fears became reality today. It hurts so much to know I'll probably deal with this for the rest of my life.
My doctor wants to put me on abilify but she wanted to get some blood work done before I started taking it in addition to my wellbutrin.
I appreciate any thoughts or advice you have for me. I have nobody to really talk to about this and just needed to get it out. Thank you
|
self.bipolar
|
"Sister", the Movie I watched this movie last night. The primary characters are a middle aged mom, an adult son and his adopted sister.
The mother is hospitalized for bipolar issues and undergoes ECT. She is unable to care for the pre-teen daughter and dumps her on the adult son.
The girl is on a variety of meds and appears to be in treatment for depressions, bipolar and issues with authority figures.
Her adult brother sees history repeating itself and begins to get her off junk food, doing yoga and weaning her off her meds.
The ending is "happy" but these types of movies/stories scare me. I really fear people seeing BP as a choice and can be handled with diet, exercise and willpower.
If that were the case, I'd be in perfect condition!
|
self.bipolar
|
DAE have suicidal ideation when anxious but not depressed? I am very much not depressed. I know I will probably be told (based on the title) that I am, but I really feel that I am not.
In fact, other than the fact that I've been more anxious than normal recently, I feel pretty good.
But here lies my problem. I am occasionally feeling intense anxiety - sometimes for valid reasons, sometimes not - but the end result is that I feel like I should kill myself. No real intent behind it, no plans, no sadness or despair, just somewhat vague ideation. It feels like a weird stress reaction and happens most especially when I'm bored.
I know I should talk to my doctors, and I will, I was just wondering if anyone else had this experience/has any thoughts on this.
|
self.bipolar
|
Does anyone else worry about what would happen if insurance companies were allowed to deny people insurance based in pre existing conditions? [removed]
|
self.depression
|
I'm so nervous I don't know why I'm this nervous about texting a girl about a second date we already loosely agreed to but I am. I feel like a bit of a loser honestly. But I'm also excited. We had a fun first date. I felt like there was good chemistry and we stayed out longer than I thought we would. Of course I overthink every little detail and slowly convince myself that it may not have been as good as I first thought. Then the fact that the casual conversation I tried this past week didn't really work. But Thanksgiving is a pretty busy week so it's understandable not having a whole lot of time to talk much. However it goes I'm just glad I'm moving in the right direction and finally dating again. As nervous as I am and as crazy as I seem, I really am happy to be feeling this way. Beats the hell out of wallowing in self pity... But seriously, I hope I hear back. She's awesome.
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm a piece of shit without my anti depressants I'm mean, angry, and dark, disturbing, and violent thoughts go through my head.
My refill is ready at the pharmacy and I need tomorrow to come so I can go back to not hating myself. I am lucky to have found a pill with no negative side effects. But I just hate myself so much when I'm not on it.
|
self.depression
|
This time of year hurts so much I'm so lonely. I want to see people and love people during the holidays but nobody loves me or wants to see me
|
self.depression
|
Frustrated. People suck at helping. It's all just so condescending and self-righteous and it all amounts to "Life is wonderful and awesome, so stop being sad, it's annoying" without giving any reasons to support this claim. I guess there is no reason, you just do it or else you're weak-minded. I am weak-minded, because I don't see anything that makes me want to keep trying. And no one can give any reason why life is so great, so treat your sad feelings like they are invalid and baseless and shameful, and tell you to force yourself to trudge through life because that's just what you're supposed to do. Maybe they don't even care that much, they just try to 'help', because they're annoyed by you. I don't want to keep asking for help if this is what I'm gonna get. It just makes me feel even more isolated.
|
self.depression
|
I might have to give bone marrow to my cousin, and I'm scared [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Anyone interested in a chat? It's my third time cutting myself this week, and I'm beginning to think I'm not going to last long. Funny that sounds like an exaggeration when I say it.
I'm rather disillusioned with society. I'd just like to talk to someone rather than slip out of existence unnoticed.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
In bed crying and scared and wish more than anything that someone were here to hold me I am so afraid and I have no one to call and no safe place to go. Shaking now and I'm desperate. It is 2:10am here.
|
self.depression
|
My friend needs a liver transplant. And even though I am a complete match, (I have already done some blood work too) they don’t want to move forward with me. Even though this could save his fucking life. Could I have been denied because I’m Bipolar? [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
If I dropped down and died right this second nobody would care. Everyone either ignores or makes fun of my cries for help.
|
self.depression
|
Manic AND agoraphobic = literal tempest in a teapot. I have 100% lost my mind but no worries, I'm too freaked out to leave my apartment, so what kind of damage can I really do? That's not a challenge, self!
|
self.bipolar
|
Getting out from the bottom How do other people get themselves out of bad depressive stretches... especially ones after really problematic manic episodes that led to decisions of which you are now sitting in the consequences of? Every time I sort of think I'm starting to get out of it something reminds of how much I've fucked up and I go back to depressively staying in bed all day and hating myself. I know in theory all the things I should be doing (exercise, eating better, going outside, seeing friends) but I've slid so far from being what feels like a normal person that I don't know how to get back into it and most days it feels that I've fallen so behind that it's not worth it. And after my last reaaaallly bad manic episode, reaching back out to friends while I'm down like this is just so uncomfortable.
I've been taking my meds (since the depression got really bad) but I guess I should talk to my pdoc cause it seems like they aren't really working...
|
self.bipolar
|
I've always tried so hard to fight off my anxiety or try and explain to people who it makes me sometimes and how bad it hurts. And the person closest to me walks out on my life because of it. I did my best to work on it and push it down for him. Fuck anxiety
|
self.Anxiety
|
I can't find anything to make myself happy I've been depressed for a while now and I used to have things that would suppress it, like hobbies. All my usual methods are either too expensive or they don't work anymore. Can't find anything to cheer myself up with.
|
self.depression
|
do your mood cycles have distinct patterns? if yes, please share!
i've noticed my recent pattern is and i find it really weird
hypomanic (5 days) -> manic (3 days) -> depressed (1 day) -> hypomanic (5 days)... and so on.
|
self.bipolar
|
Reoccurring thoughts of hurting myself. Hey all, throwaway here. I'm a 24 year old male who's had some pretty bad anxiety since I was in highschool. I don't want to talk about myself too much, I grew up in a pretty aggressive and some people would call it, abusive household. Highschool was fine, I remember walking to school and there were many days where id get halfway, start to think too much about what could happen, get scared, then go back home and sleep all day but overall I had a good group of friends and I don't think many people hated me, just they thought I might've been a little weird.
Anyway things are getting very stressful lately, I left my job at a hotel because I would get visibly nervous anytime I had to talk to a customer. One of my shifts I couldn't stop shaking and ended up calling my boss, he let me go home that night. This is the first time I've been unemployed since I was 16. I currently live with my mother whom most of my friends have said is bi\-polar and I believe them. I can't tell how she's going to be one day. She could not talk to me when I see her one day, or yell and berate me anytime I see her during the day. Because of the fact I'm not working \(I've been seeing a therapist and have started taking medication, I didn't tell her and telling her I feel would make things a lot worse\) she keeps threatening to kick me out. I remember since I was in highschool, she would point out the homeless people and say that would be me one day if I don't get my shit together. The thing is, is that I DO have a job lined up and it's a guarantee I'd get hired, but thinking about meeting up with the boss makes me very nervous, typing about it and makes my heart race. I have a friend who said he'll let me live with him if I get kicked out, but I don't want to do that to him.
I've hurt myself in the past \(cutting, burning\) but lately my thoughts have become more violent and often. I've always thought since I was a kid that I want to die by bleeding out, and lately I've been thinking about stabbing myself in the stomach with a knife. My thoughts start out with daydreaming about it, then telling myself I could do it if I had the willpower. Ill grab a knife, point it to my stomach but I get a very sick feeling when I do that. My body will get very tense if I think about it too much and I'll end up sleeping it off. I'm not totally afraid of death, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't afraid, there's a part of me that doesn't want to die yet but I can't stop these thoughts. I've tried, but they keep coming and they will until I actually do something. Sorry if this is long, I just wanted to get this out there I guess.
tl;dr: Pretty bad anxiety as kid, might get kicked out soon, reoccurring thoughts of stabbing myself in the stomach and bleeding out.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Anxiety has escalated quite rapidly I feel like I'm constantly about to vomit (I did earlier this morning), I'm shaking like a fucking leaf, I get random aches and numbness around areas that would normally indicate a heart attack but my family apparently has a history of anxiety. I don't even know what I'm anxious about. Thank fuck I'm going to the doctor today.
|
self.Anxiety
|
At my wits end Hello, I’m pretty much at my wits end here. I’ve had a myriad of issues ranging from loss of appetite to diarrhea to a cough that won’t get away to chest pains. All doctors tell me I’m fine, I had chest pains today that I swore was going to kill me but the EKG they did today said I was fine and I just had heartburn. I want to believe the doctor but this is nuts, I feel miserable all the time. I’m wondering if I’m falling apart due to stress, I am going to be moving out of the house I’ve lived in all my life with my dad soon so that could be causing it but I dunno. I’m falling apart due to stress and I’m just so scared. What’s wrong with with me?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I’m sitting in front of 14 empty Zzzquil bottles that I’ve used I’ve the past couple of months... [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Have decided to commit suicide very soon Just need to tie up some loose ends, take care of unfinished business, see some old friends & family, divide up some belongings to be inherited by family & friends & then basically yeah. Dont really care anymore. Infact im looking forward to it, cant even wait. Get excited just thinking about it tbh. Life is boring & painful. More effort than its worth in my opinion. Death sounds pretty sweet, its like sleeping but you dont ever have to wake up. I wish someone would kill me so i dont have to look like a selfish pussy but so far no luck with that. We all meet the reaper eventually, im just too impatient. Im 100% sure the next life is better than this one. Death is only the beginning.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
“I don’t want to pressure you” said the school nurse, I swear I’m gonna regret telling her how I feel She said she wasn’t going to pressure me and then told me to tell my parents about my self harm tonight. Ffs can someone just kill me. Telling her was meant to help, not make my anxiety a hundred times worse. Hopefully the councillor is a bit better
|
self.depression
|
Any tips to help deal with lucid dreams due to side effects of my meds? I’ve been having lucid dreams due to the side effects of my meds and I’m finding it hard to cope with them. I talked to my doctor and he told me to try taking them in the morning instead of at night but that hasn’t really helped.
I also asked him for sleeping pills and they didn’t help either. In fact, they made things worse as I woke up right after from a nightmare and I found myself grabbing onto the bedsheets like I was grabbing onto something from my dream. I don’t remember what it was but it was the first and last time I took them.
Going to sleep is no longer the comfort it once was. Even though I get plenty of sleep I wake up feeling mentally drained, and because these lucid dreams make it seems like I was awake and dealing with real life situations that tend to be stressful and unpleasant it’s like I wasn’t really asleep. Physically I’m well rested but mentally I’m not. Idk if that makes sense but I feel like I’m going crazy because in my dreams I sometimes “wake up” and think everything is normal but then previous events from the dream come back and it’s so confusing. Then when I really wake up it takes me a minute to actually realize it was all just a dream and it’s messed up.
I told my doc and he said most of the antidepressants have similar side effects and that’s kinda made me miserable. I don’t wanna trade my sanity just to stop being depressed. I’m honestly thinking about stopping meds again. Idk anymore.
|
self.depression
|
I’m done with life honestly. This is gonna be a bit of a rant for me so I apologize ahead. Ever since high school. I’ve always been the stand up guy. The friend that would go support others, come for dinners. I was pretty reliable meaning if you needed my help whether it was money, transport and others I could do it. I am nice to the point that even I notice I’m being too nice (I’ve been told by millions and some have told me I’m a pushover). Not to give myself an excuse but I’m not the loudest guy and I’m more of a listener than a talker so when people become friends with me I try to stay a part of their lives so they don’t forget me and move on and stuff. No matter what I do I just can’t seem to have my own set of friends (even just one or two) that want to always hangout with me or care enough to check up on me. It hurts so much because I feel like my family is the same too I see all my cousins getting together and hanging out and I’m never there (they live in England) but even when I am. I just feel like I don’t fit in. I feel like when it comes to me people do stuff for me because I was “nice” not because they genuinely care. Tonight hurt me so bad that I found myself crying alone. I’m 20 years old, I haven’t cried like that since I buried my grandma. And this was worse. I just don’t see the point to me anymore. I’m 100% convinced if I committed suicide, no one would try to find out what’s wrong, wondering why I’m not responding to calls or texts. Friends don’t want me, family doesn’t want me, dad doesn’t want me so I should just end it honestly. I can’t talk to anyone about it because who cares? I’m tired, my heart hurts. For the first time in my life I want to just die
|
self.depression
|
Pretty sure tonight is the night So I'm pretty sure I'm going to end it all tonight. I made an attempt a few days ago and it didn't work. I'm going to overdose and slit my wrists in the bathroom tonight once my roommate and suit mates are asleep. I've thought about reaching out to someone, but I can't talk to my family (they don't take mental health seriously at all). I've briefly debated calling a hotline but I've just heard horror stories. The more I debate it the more I know this is what should happen. I've said goodbye to everyone. I've written up my will. I've made all the preparations so everything will go smoothly. I'm not writing this for attention, or to get replies like 'don't do this.' 'you have so much to live for.' or any other shit like that. I'm calm. I actually hope no one comments on this at all. I just figured I'd at least 'say my plan out loud'. Typing it out makes it more real to me... idk why. I'm just fucking tired. My life has absolutely put me through the ringer and I'm ready to fall asleep and not wake up. But yeah, I guess that's all. So here ends what many people will think of as yet another selfish, shallow, meaningless cry for attention. Maybe it is a cry for attention... either way... this is my plan.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Cashiers throwing change at you. Does it bother you just a little when cashiers throw change at you? Why do they do it? What's the solution to this? I don't want to get someone fired by complaining.
|
self.offmychest
|
I don't know who to turn to... I feel a great deal of despair and sorrow. Everything was doing great.... [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
How long does it take for risperidone to work? This is my first time taking an antipsychotic medication. I have previously only taken medications from the SSRI and mood stabilizer classes. I have also taken several forms of benzodiazepines, but are short acting and don't require a build up.
For SSRIs and mood stabilizers, etc., there's the notorious "wait time" in-between period where you are waiting for it to work and just feel like shit until then.
My doctor told me it's the same thing for risperdal, but didn't tell me how long the wait-time usually is (or what usually is the effect? How do you know it is working?) Is it similar to SSRIs, like 4 weeks or so?
I would also be interested in hearing your experiences with the medication. My dose is very, very small but we are starting small on purpose. Thank you
|
self.bipolar
|
There's a reason I don't watch Rick and Morty It's not that I don't think Rick and Morty is good. I've never watched it, I have no idea how good or bad it is. The reason I don't watch it is that I just can't be bothered. No amount of joking/making references I don't even get is going to motivate me to watch it, I got enough stuff to be getting on with.
|
self.offmychest
|
I lay awake at night and my girlfriend doesn't get it Just because I am lucky enough to be with someone I love doesn't mean I don't feel alone even at night. I'm really struggling with ways to explain to her what it's like as she has no history of mental illness and I've got history of depression, anxiety and insomnia.
I tried to explain to her what anti depressants were like and how it made me feel like a different person and the blank expression broke me and I couldn't even tell her.
Can someone give me some advice on dealing with all of this and how I should breach the gap?
|
self.depression
|
idk not feeling good. dying would be so much better.
awful
awful
awful
|
self.depression
|
Why am I such a piece of shit At my best friends graduation party every ones having fun but I’m just sitting here wishing I wasn’t here. Why am I just a sack of shit
|
self.depression
|
There is no 'help' They always say 'there's help out there, there's plenty of things you can try' but they never specify what.
When I ask 'what's there to keep me alive?' They say 'travel, tasty food, puppies - there's trillions of things!' But none of those things make me feel anything.
'It's because of the illness'
Is it? Is it really? I find that hard to believe. To me that's like saying if someone doesn't like the taste of nougat it's because their mood is low, they can be medicated to like it. I haven't felt anything's worth living for my whole life. Medication will change the fact that in the end everything is pointless? Doubt it. Unless they are magic pills that'll change my whole personality, in which case it'd be killing 'me' anyway.
'I don't think 2+2=5'
'You can medicate and change that!'
This is basically what it feels like to me.
'Just get help.'
Right.
What help is there? In the end I'll spend most of my life sleeping or working a shitty job so I can afford a home to sleep in. Then I'll die. That's it.
'But that's just how life is!'
Yeah, no fucking shit sherlock!! It's why I don't want to live!
'But it's just the illness making you feel that way.'
Fucking hell. Talking to therapists is like talking to a wall. How the hell is this same conversatiom every few days supposed to make me 'better'? What is it supposed to make me 'discover' about my 'inner feelings'? Fuck off.
|
self.depression
|
Dissociation... The past day and a half have been a haze. This is the most severe dissociate bout I have ever had. I feel completely out of it and can barely function. I have been really stressed and that could be a trigger but I never felt myself protecting myself like this or whatever I have no Idea what is going on, it is out of my control and I can not snap back. It's so strange and honestly I am a little scared right now. I feel I am not inside me. It's like my body is a few feet behind myself. Like a an invisable wall is between me and my body. I can't drive, I am dizzy, and I just am purely emotionless. It's like I don't care about my existence or don't see a real life. Idk what to do. I don't feel at harm to myself, I just feel so gone. I am not a person right now.
|
self.bipolar
|
I get more anxious the more I do something. I'm often told that I need to make myself do things to stop being anxious, and while quite often once I am doing the thing I am not anxious, the getting to doing it is worse for me. Th problem is, the more I do something, the stronger the feeling of anxiety is before doing it.
For example, when I had my first job I wasn't too anxious about it for some reason. Then I got and 2nd job, and wasn't too anxious. But then my 3rd and 4th job I was pretty anxious about. Now I don't have a job again, and my anxiety is really bad. I'm reading through the job description and I worry that I won't be able to do the job, and end up not applying. The jobs I do apply for, I'm too anxious to answer the phone or phone them back.
My last jobs didn't go poorly. I'm too anxious to even phone the doctors about it. Everyone just thinks I'm lazy, but I just feel like shit all the time, everything is too much effort and have this anxiety shit. People think it's wrong that I wish I was never born.
|
self.Anxiety
|
DAE get depressed thinking about having to plan things for milestones or your inability to do it? My boyfriend and I are talking marriage. We've already agreed we are just going to do the paperwork, maybe rent out a hall and have a buffet as a party. But neither of us can handle planning an actual wedding.
We are going to his cousin's wedding today. I already got all depressed at the bridal shower- I'm never going to have something like that. I'll never be the pretty bride walking down the aisle because I am way too anxious about being the center of attention. But damn if it wouldn't be nice. But the anxiety, man, it would kill me. I get anxious going to someone else's party. I couldn't force that on myself.
It isn't even about the party really. It's about the fact that I'm never going to be able to have those normal things. I probably would be absolutely miserable at a party focused on me. But the fact that I can't have it even if I wanted it. Anxiety ruins everything.
I'd just like to add in as a footnote that I would never ever ever express any of this at the actual party or to people in the party. There's no way I'm going to ruin their special day. That's why I'm venting on Reddit.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Saturday party, Ex texted me Not sure on the purpose of this post. Maybe I am just here to vent.
I am at a party, a small gathering, drinking with friends I trust. I know i shouldn’t drink, but I did it anyways. Also I haven’t taken my meds in a long time, lexapro and depakoyte.
My ex had texted me and the conversation was very confusing, but I had the forethought to tell her we should talk when we were both sober and could think clearly.
Now my anxiety is up, I’m in a corner, i can’t stop running through scenarios. I am on a hard downward spiral and I fear how low it will go.
|
self.bipolar
|
I hate advise on how to succeed It's all like:
Do things now don't wait
Don't please people
Don't be lazy
Don't waste time
Well fuck I can't do any of that so I guess that means I'll never be successful so fuck that I should just kill myself and avoid the disappointment
|
self.depression
|
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.