text
stringlengths 39
36.7k
| label
stringclasses 5
values |
|---|---|
This year is a total trainwreck Hello /r/depression.
I am in a deep depression due to what happened this year.
First thing first I originally work for a web hosting company at Houston making $40,000k. I live in a decent apartment, drive a nice SUV.
The first occurrence is when my roommate I talk to everyday died of hard attack in front of me. I tried to stay professional at work. Several weeks after, I got a big speeding ticket because I went over by 5. Due to the speeding ticket fee, I have to cancel a dinner with my girlfriend. Which ended up breaking up.
Emotionally drained, I even lost my job (laid off since the company is making cuts) and my performance is not the best.
At that time I contacted my best friend I’ve known for years.He got me a job and place at another state (Billings, MT). So willingly I drove all the way to there just to work. Of course the job is very difficult blue collar manual labor job, I ended up very exhausted everyday with pain everywhere. While I am working there, I got a computer repair job in the area and then quit that job.
Due to the depression ever since the death of the roommate, I stopped taking care of myself and I sleep a lot. I ended up getting 2 very painful cavities which ended up getting 2 molars pulled. The doctor warned me about my higher blood rate. I admit that I started smoking again for several months but I quit since October.
In late November, when I just got my small debts paid off. My current job told me that due to my performance and company budget cuts, I ended up working less hours (16 hours per week) and I am struggling paying my bills.
My SUV is in the poor shape as well, new issue arise every month since I lost my previous job and I cannot afford any repairs anymore. I might ending up selling/trading to a cheaper beat up vehicle.
In addition, my family disowned me since my parents are from China. They don’t want to talk to a “low income trash” even for my birthday and any holidays. My best friend left me as well to work in the oil field at North Dakota.
Right I keep trying to apply for jobs (even minimum wage jobs) and I cannot even get a single offer (I am sending followup emails). I tried and tried to be optimistic everyday but it is very very difficult.
TL;DR: I lost almost everything this year. Including seeing someone die.
|
self.depression
|
I feel lost and i don't know where the damn map is. Hey. It's Mac again. Im probably wasting my time, and yours, typing this shit out. I just got no idea where to go in life. I'm just lost, I feel like I won't have a future to be proud of. I'll probably end up being a drunk piece of shit in ten years from now. Still ain't thinkin about college, I'm just too fuckin stupid to get in fuck what all my teachers say. I refuse to believe that all my teachers think i have potential in math, english, and guitar. I'm shit at math, i don't write worth a fuck, and I'm nowhere near the talent of my peers guitar wise, for fucks sake I have no idea why I'm even in a rock band as of now. That band shit ain't going nowhere anyway, we don't even have a bassist. I feel like I'm going nowhere, I've got no talents or skills. I hate this feeling, I'm still lonely. Wtf should i do? Am I still being an angsty twat? I wouldn't put it past me.
|
self.depression
|
People say anything to get you to shut up People can hurt you so much and show no remorse. When I was younger people would hurt me and I felt like I didn’t have a voice. Now I’m older people just tell me to get over it, or that I’m attention seeking. I’m just trying to talk about the things that have happened to me.
When people talk about something them and their friends were doing or their school grades people don’t call them “attention” seekers why? Because those are “normal” things to talk about.
I’m aware that bad things happen to everyone. But if mostly all the thing that have happened to you are bad things, then what else are you supposed to talk about? You’re just supposed to sit in a corner and cry and keep it to yourself I guess. Because no one wants to her the “sob story” because it makes them sad. That’s just it, it makes people sad to hear it, so they say anything to get you to shut up. It’s just frustrating.
|
self.depression
|
I need to unload, I need to find a way to stop feeling like a failure...I need to be okay not being okay cw; sexual assault, child sexual abuse
A month ago my partner of just under 4 years broke up with me, then moved out from our house the same day. We had a cat together, a car together, an entire life together. He just left.
I am fortunate though, he reassured me that he will cover the rent until April (though the lease ends in August). And if I really need money to cover the car payments, the cat expenses, etc. then he will do his best to send money my way. (he is currently unemployed working on being an RN, so all the money comes from his parents)
We ended on good terms, we really did. I am so hurt, but it's fine. I'm recovering and I will get better.
But my health hasn't.
I have fibro, I just finally got a wheelchair just over two weeks ago, I only been able to afford these new 70 dollar insoles a couple of months ago, and things are looking up. So, maybe I can finally focus on finishing this last quarter? So that I can just get back to work, stop being unemployed, stop failing my classes, stop having to beg people to drive me to the doctor so that I can have proof that I am not being lazy and missing class for fun, that I am actually hurting, that I am in pain, that I need help
Oh, and my prescription for my testosterone patches haven delayed for over a month now. Because...idk, there's always an issue. My order didn't get properly processed, they forgot to send me a notification that it was ready to be picked up, oh they lied it wasn't ready in time...oh you already left for the holidays to the other side of the state? yeah, it finally is ready for pick up
It's cool...it's cool...don't think about it. About how am frequently misgendered by my family, how I feel like my body is just slowly unraveling to a body that I don't want, I don't want to be seen in, that I just wan't to punch and stab so that it can never exist
But it's cool...
it's fine
Until christmas eve...it just barely turned the 24
I had a panic attack, the worst one I've ever had. I'm so ashamed. My sibling and my mom restrained me after rushing in hearing me start to hit myself. I've never hit myself so hard before, and they had to restrain me for over an hour while trying to calm me down.
I scared my mom. She tried so hard to be strong for me, but she cried and cried about the memories of so much pain, abuse, near death that I reminded her
And afterward, yeah we all hugged and we talked...we agreed that maybe this brought us closer together
But my body just couldn't handle the stress, I puked for over four hours and I had diarrhea for over two days. Everything inside me was pouring out. I was shaking, I was crying, I wanted to die.
And all day today my head is pounding, I feel so paranoid, I feel like any moment that big panic attack is gonna come back
I'm so weak
I am sleeping a door away from the person who molested me as a child...but I can't prove it. I just can't. I was so little, he was a little kid too. Plus, I don't know how old I was...my memory isn't that good. So...who would believe me? No one...no one would. Maybe I'm making it all up, maybe my memories are false. I mean yeah, my sibling said they were molested too...but we both don't remember much...and yeah I did start cutting up my chest because of it BUT REALLY THOUGH I WAS LITTLE WHO KNOWS???
My sibling left to go back to our shared home, except...we are now sharing a room, they got wrongfully fired, we have no money...they were kicked out of the shared room my sibling was sharing with his ex, so now the ex has their own room and my sibling is sleeping in the garage or in my room. Cause ya know, sibling can't afford rent anyways
Oh, and they were sexually assaulted just a week ago...because of me. At least it feels like it. They messaged me trying to help them convince this rapist to just bring them back home (i would have just tried to find someone to drive them home instead, but I didn't see those messages until it's too late)
I'm unemployed, I'm disabled, I'm in pain, I'm a mess, I'm failing my classes, I'm unable to even eat, I'm a reminder to my family of so much wrong, I'm unable to protect anyone
How can I ever be okay with that?
|
self.offmychest
|
I Just Thought I Saw A Worm In My Water Cup Hey everyone,
Emetophobe here, intense and life controlling fear of throwing up. Also a connoisseur of dissociation, OCD, GAD and a recovering hypochondriac :)
So anyways I'm starting to realize how completely irrational and stupid my thought processes are. So I was drinking water from my filter at home and though (or maybe saw) a small clearish things floating it in, possibly a piece of dust or something lol and I'm currently sipping on some Chamomile after a major panic attack due to the "super stomach bug" that's probably (not) going to happen in the next 12-24 hours.
A glimpse into the life of someone with a mental illness. Also if anyone's interested in hearing what my day to day life is like as an emetophobe feel free to let me know and I'll do a nice little write up.
Just wanted to say that sometimes you need to step back and look at why you're freaking and and just have a laugh at yourself. Wish you guys all the best!
|
self.Anxiety
|
The more I think about it the more I see my family as a cage I love my family and it makes me hate myself even more than I already do to find myself thinking like this. The closest thing I have to meditation has been thinking how easy it would be to tie a noose, how much better that would be but I know it would destroy my family if I did. And no matter how much I hate myself for the thought a piece of me resents them for being the only thing standing between me and my one remaining dream.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
numbness in hands and feet. I've had chronic anxiety my whole life , much worse last year or so after stopping my ADHD medication, my question is does having tingling in tips of fingers and numbness a symptom of Anxiety, I could not find anything online saying it is.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Comics about the lowest Deep and the eruption of the soul These comics are honest transcriptions of my memories, they reflect my experience with my mind and where it went when I lost it.
http://cargocollective.com/Rosiepink/
|
self.bipolar
|
I’m trying my hardest to get out this after mania depression that always follows. It’s like I lose all my hobbies, can’t listen to music, just don’t want to do anything. I know this can last months even years. Anyone else want to share about their bi polar depression recovery stories ?
|
self.bipolar
|
I lost all my friends I studied abroad for two years, and just returned to my home country. I contacted my old friends, my college roommates for a reunion, but none of them respond. I thought they must have their own new life, and will not care about me anymore. I am so lonely and isolated in my home country, and worry so much about the future with no friends.
|
self.depression
|
Not sure if psychotic delusion or obsessive thought Alright for the record I have not been formally diagnosed with bipolar, but I do have severe OCD, depression, anxiety and bpd. I'd like to know if this is a psychotic delusion or simply an unpleasant thought I obsess over due to OCD.
Basically I fear that once my parents pass away, I'll have to spend the rest of my life locked up in supervised care. The reason for this is that I am only able to live a semi-independent lifestyle, have been committed in the past (had to lie myself out), have attempted suicide multiple times in the past and not a single day goes by where I don't wish for all of this to fucking end. The fact that this situation could happen causes me an immense amount of anxiety.
Could this be a psychotic delusion or simply an obsessive thought that causes me great anxiety? I've had an obsession that I might be schizophrenic in the past for example and spent a lot of time reading up its symptoms before I was finally able to stop obsessing over it.
Many thanks.
|
self.bipolar
|
There is something so satisfying about listening to music at ear bleeding volume [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Selective mutism during anxiety attacks. My girlfriend is not extremely socially anxious, but when things become stressful, or she is put in a situation where she needs to confront topics shes not too comfortable with, she’s prone to have anxiety attacks.
Three times now she has had anxiety attacks leading to her not being able to speak. The first time was very intense she said. We were in bed talking, and we having a small argument. She rolled over and stopped talking to me. I apologised, and when i asked things like if she was okay, she’d nod her head and squeeze my hand. I waited about 10 minutes and out of nowhere she started tearing up and eventually balled her eyes out. She told me she couldn’t get any words out, and it was almost like something wasn’t letting her talk.
The last time it happened was very strange, we were having a bit of a vent together about all the shit going on, and i had a vent about me feeling a bit shitty lately and that i don’t tell her stuff like that because shes going through enough, and she kist sort of froze up, started crying, and wouldn’t talk to me. I pretty quickly realised it was similar to last time, so i brought her outside and sat her down next to me with a blanket. I was assuring her she was okay and to breath steadily, and that i was her and understood she was going through a similar anxiety attack. The difference with this is she was very responsive, to my questions with nods.
I ended up questioning her with things like “can you not speak” which she nodded too, and i offered to get her something to write on, which nodded to also. She had a lot of trouble writing because she was a bit shaken up. I ended up gathering that she actually physically couldn’t talk, as if she had forgotten how to talk. She slowly gained her voice back, beginning to messily mumble, using a literal oujii board i drew on some paper to help.
TL;DR My girlfriend had an anxiety attack and forgot how to talk.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Want to get help, but don't want family to know Been struggling since 2012. Now its been worse than ever over the last two years with regret and anxieity. Decided tonight i don't want to face it alone and start attending therapy. Feeling quite proud of myself for finally making the decision.
Only problem is i don't really want my loved ones to know. One reason i never open up is because i don't want to put stress on my family. I wouldnt know where to begin talking to them with it and would rather see a professional
Am i overreacting or being too nervous? Would appreciate any advice at all
Thanks!
|
self.depression
|
I really don't know what's happening, but about half way through my shift at work I started having depressing and suicidal thoughts. None of action, but in general. It doesn't happen too often, but I don't know why. It just hurts..
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
i don't see the point in living but i'm not suicidal ( SOMEONE NOTICE THIS MESSAGE PLEASE) hey so first just ignore the way this is written i'm french my English is ok but not great .
So i don't want to die but i also don't wan't to live like i just don't see the point of living because in the end we're all just going to die like us as human but on a larger scale the universe is going to colapse so yeah i don't get the point in doing anything like living if the end goal is nothing not even death . Like i don't hate life but it's just tiring and annoying and long and i just don't enjoy it ! and my life is not sad or whatever but honestly i feel that any distraction like seeing friend , doing thing , are just thing to trick our human brain in enjoying life like a survival mecanism i don’t know ! because we 2nd problem i personnaly think that we are way less alive than what we think i mean we are just a bunch of cell litteraly everything that make us is chemical reaction everything so i just don't see why would anyone want to live . I am at a point where i just don’t get people i really don’t think that « human » the species is any way special but we feel like we are so i personnaly feel obligate to enjoy life but if i just don’t want to . I really i’m not suicidal but i would like to find an answer or die in a way where i wouldn’t have any control car accident or understanding why people enjoy life and enjoying it myself without feeling like i’m tricking myself into enjoy it .
To be fair i’m looking for response like how do you motivate yourself to live ?have you ever feel like that ? am i missing something ?
also the" notice this message please "in the title is because i want answer and i've nerver post on reddit but i've seen so many post without answer so it just to catch people attention bye !
|
self.depression
|
I don’t even know how to title this but this is pissing me off [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
How do I find out? I don't know if this is the right subreddit to ask but I was wondering how I find out if I'm bipolar? Can I go straight to a hospital or do I need to see a therapist or what?
I've grown up angry most of my life and I just turned 22 in December. I'm male idk if there are more chances depending on gender sorry just giving information. My mom says bipolar disorder runs in the family and every time I get really mad she tells me she wants me checked. I've always been against it but if it will get her and my dad to leave me alone then fine.
My last "episode" was on new years eve. I would say that overall it was lingering anger from past couple days. My dad worked a lot of overtime this winter to make more money for my family and I understand that but every time he'd ask me for help and I'd decline he'd get upset but every time the roles were reversed and I'd get mad I'm at fault. My brother earlier in the day threw something hard at my chest and he's been acting like a jerk a lot lately so combine both of these and my blood was boiling. I left the house to watch football at someone else's. I got home and saw my stuff in the living room was just thrown carelessly in my room like to the point where they didn't care if it broke. I know this sounds like a small thing but it's everyday my stuff is touched and I ask to just tell me to move it they don't they just touch it. I went down to our basement and just lost it yelling at my dad and mom I got into it with my dad and the next thing I remember was crying on the living room floor threatening to call the cops. I spent the next day in my room all day. Today (the 2nd) I found my moms phone and because I know the way she is, I looked through her texts to see what she said about me to family...she knows I hate them knowing my business. Almost every single thing to my aunts was that "he's being irrational he's having an episode he's wrong" it's always my fault to them.
I just have so much anger idk if it's bipolar disorder but I am willing to finally get checked and if anyone can help I would greatly appreciate it.
|
self.bipolar
|
Bipolar redditors, is anyone else religious? How is the mix of belief and illness working for you?
|
self.bipolar
|
Just found out I have nasal polyps and I’m freaking out. I just got back from the ENT after having pressure on the right side of my forehead/eye for a month. He saw that I had polyps and inflammation on that side of my nose/sinuses that were causing that. He now has me on amoxicillin and prednisone for 10 days which I’m also worried about taking due to possible side effects. I’m doing my best to stay off Google and freak myself out but I can’t get my mind off it unfortunately.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Just need to vent about life I have so, so many problems. The one that is currently most visceral is the fact that I'm not ok being alone. I'm talking to women who may at some point be fuck-buddies, but I can never be romantic partners with them. That's fine, but I need more. I'm talking to them because I have a hole in my life, but even if I met the greatest girl in the world who instantly fell in love with me, it wouldn't change the fact that I'm miserable; I would only be lifted out of my despair by her. I've seen all the stuff about how happiness needs to come from within, and I believe it. My problem is that I don't see that happening any time in the near future. I got a girl's number a couple of weeks ago, we texted, and then she disappeared. All I can think is that I'm so broken that I'll never be in a healthy relationship.
I think about killing myself on an hourly basis. I can't even do that because of the sadness I'd leave in my wake. I'm a prisoner and I'm fearful that I always will be. I just want this to change. I've always obeyed the rules of life and done everything right, and this is where I find myself. I'm so tired of it.
|
self.depression
|
Has depression sucked the life out of your interests/hobbies? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
What is depression? “Depression is your body saying fuck you. I dont want to be this character anymore. I dont want to hold up this avatar you’ve created in a world thats too much for me.” - Jim Carrey
|
self.depression
|
It’s been 6 years. I know no one is going to read this but this has been going on for so long. I’m so young and I’m tired of this. I’m never happy. I don’t believe in love or happiness. It’s gotten to a point where it’s hard to even fake a smile. I’m just falling deeper and deeper in this pit. I’ve tried everything. Therapy sucks. No amount of medicine works. I’ve tried changing my outlook on things. I’ve talked to the only one I cared about but she fixed my heart only to break it again. Im so tired I just want to sleep and never wake up again. I’ve lost interest in everything. My family is never there for me. I hardly have any friends. My physical health is terrible. What’s wrong with me? I’m sorry this is so long but thanks for reading this
|
self.depression
|
Does it ever stop ? I've been suicidal on and off as a child starting at age 10... now my life is good except for I am miserable and just want to die..
I've recently put myself in the hospital and finally agreed to take meds. I felt like such a guinea pig for so long trying to find the right emotion potion. Well lamictal 200mg is what I'm on now and I thought for a week or two it might be working but it's been a couple months and I'm in agony every time I'm alone or at night when I lay in bed. I cry and can't escape these thoughts.
I have a 2 year old daughter, I find myself telling myself how selfish I would be to leave her behind and the other half of me tells me that I don't deserve her and that she doesn't need me in her life.
Does it ever stop?
I really just want to feel normal and be there for my partner and child.
I don't know what else to do
|
self.bipolar
|
Recycle (poem) Falling, floating
Numb
Reaching for something to cling to
Nothings there
Falling, floating
Try to fight it
Remind me,
Remind me why am I still here?
Speak nothing
I know you care
Falling, floating
Sinking, drowning
Losing the fight
Giving you a smile
Destroying myself inside.
Unable to move, sinking deeper.
Stuck.
Stay. Don't go. ---
Feeling higher now
Taking on the world
With empty pockets
Nothing can stop me
I accomplished so much
No sleep
Crash, four hours and repeat
Working two jobs. Needing another.
Unstoppable
" good lord how do you do it?" They ask
" it's easy" I reply.
Unstoppable--
What's this uneasy feeling?
Something coming.
Can't shake it.
Hollowness.
Fight it.
Okay I'm good, back to work.
Much to do.
Can't shake it.
Can't shake it.
Not good enough
Not trying hard enough.
Will it ever pay off?
Sinking.
Fight it.
Fight it.
Don't give in.
You can't let it win.
Fight it.
No.
No.
Floating.
Sinking.
Deeper, deeper -
Why is it so dark?
I can't see the light.
Remind me why am I even here?
Don't stay- I'll break you down.
Sinking -
Drowning -
Recycle.
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm tired of being conscious. I tried to kill myself for last 2 and half year. I was trying to kill myself by heroin overdose for 2 and half year. Every single time I woke up.
I'm so tired and sick of this shit life.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Hey guys! I just wanted to say that I am currently getting straight A’s in all of my courses! One is a pretty easy course but aside from that it’s been the most successful year I’ve ever had and since being diagnosed in January and I have not skipped one class. I only have 6 weeks to go. Wish me luck on exam next Monday!
So hang in there guys! I have been through the ringer but I’m okay right now. I still have a long road but I’m okay and it does get better.
|
self.bipolar
|
It's been 1 year It's been one year since you left me. I try to only think about you in times like this, where I try think about how far I've come, if I've made any progress at all. I fell back in love with music, my style of music, I even got to see my favorite band in concert on the 1 year mark to the day (funny coincidence)! I've almost passed all my professional certification exams! I moved to the city we always planned to live and I started my career after so many years of school and hard work. I've made so many new friends, met so many new people this year. Most of all, I realized how flawed and broken I am, how I have failed so many people over the course of my life.
I honestly barely have a clue as to what you are up to. I know you still have pharmacy school for another few years. But every time someone wants to talk about you, I change the conversation. Its because I truly don't want to know. I don't respond to your texts because every time you forget those 3 words I just want to hear once: "I am sorry." Saying it once doesn't mean we have to get back together and undo everything. I get it, you were unhappy. But it didn't give you the right to do what you did.
It has been a long year. Every day is different. Sometimes I get lucky and don't think about you at all for a week or two. Other days bring back memories and its harder. I just can't wait until you escape my mind forever.
|
self.offmychest
|
Lost my job, losing my bf, I hate working and life. I just lost my job for calling in sick, it’s a at will state so meh. I already hated the job and I also have now lost the boyfriend. I’m 19 and I already fucked everything up, a no good for anything high school drop out who hates work anyway. I just can’t do this anymore. I can’t do anything. My bf is losing his apartment because of me.
|
self.depression
|
I don’t know how to talk As far as I can remember I’ve been bad at conversation, in fact I vividly remember spying on two girls having a conversation and being jealous because I didn’t know how to talk to people. I’m either quiet and don’t speak or I get loud and obnoxious and ramble on and on, I can barely have a conversation with my boyfriend and I’m too scared of therapists to go to one. I just wish I knew how to talk instead of this hell of nobody liking me because I’m either too quiet or loud and obnoxious. Pills don’t help at all and I don’t know what to do.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Pointless Guys, this is a cry for help. I'm a new user and I came here to tell you guys my situation. I feel really trapped because I want to kill myself, but I'm afraid to hurt those who care about me (family). If I kill myself, I know very well my parents will cry over my grave and everything. Its eating me from the inside and I don't want to live anymore. Please I'm serious. I actually have a death wish and wouldn't mind not existing anymore. I'd love to erase every memory of me from other people's head. That would be a blessing. But I can't. What do I do? is there such thing as assisted suicide? Words of encouragement don't help me. I've tried. Please don't try on me anymore.
I'm afraid to tell my parents because of what their reaction might be. Maybe they'll start treating me like a mental patient? What if they don't take me seriously and/or get frustrated? My parents have high expectations from me and holy shit its too much.
I've wanted to talk to a psychiatrist for a long time but i'm afraid to tell my parents because then I'll have to come up with a valid reason without bringing up my serious depression.
Not to mention, I really want to tell them I don't believe in any religion and would prefer to be an atheist. My parents are really religious and hate others who say the opposite of what they think. But I think parents shouldn't force their children with these ideologies. I think it should be fair for the child to pick his "side" when he/she is mature enough.
What do I do reddit? I'm trapped.
Ill be posting this on /r/SuicideWatch too for more results. I dont need support, please I'm looking for ways to open up to my parents.
|
self.depression
|
I'm gonna fail again Everything went to shit right after my first semester.
My grades were shit because I barely studied. I dissapointed my dad yet again, I might loose my dorm room if this financial shit doesn't work out, and I need a 3.0 or I'm going to end up owing a shitload of money.
Thats not even the worst part.
I was so ready to do the work next semester to make up for it. Then my fucking girlfriend left me.
I'd known her since my first fucking year a high school and now shes gone. I'm only 18 so yeah doubt me all you want, but give it a few more years, and I could've seen myself with this girl for the rest of my life. Now she doesn't want to be in my life anymore and I'll never get to see her or talk to her again.
How the hell am I supposed to study when I'm going to be all fucked up for a while. Its been less than 24 hours and I've just been in a drunk and stoned fuckin state functioning through my fucking day. I'm fucking snowed in alone can't even fucking talk to anybody.
|
self.depression
|
Hello Fell in love this past summer. Didn't know it was possible for me but it happened. It hurt a lot in the beginning. Tend to stay out of relationships, because of my problems. It was a great feeling. I'm hoping it happens again,
|
self.offmychest
|
BP Guy I like in long, depressive episode High 5 to my fellow dudes :) hope you're all OK!
I just wanted to ask for a bit of insight from guys who suffer from long down episodes if you don't mind! I'm 35f, I tend to rapid swing and haven't had a long, bad down phase for a while.
I met and got to know a fellow bipolar guy and we've got an electrical connection!!! We started to get very close but before anything happened properly we had to put things on hold as he hit a massive downswing (3 months and counting).
He has my number but he's not able to communicate this way yet or meet up. We live some distance apart but i see him when he comes into my work once in a while to say hey but can't talk easily together due to this and I've instinctively stepped right back to not put any pressure on him and just be a friend. The spark is definitely still there though ;)
Would you still reach out to someone you had feelings for even if it had been months? As in would you be really pleased the girl had stuck by you or would the fact someone was waiting for you make it all much worse? I'm sure his head is doing a number on him about me and I want to reassure him! If it were you feeling horrific would you feel weird if the girl tried to hug you or reassure you? I want to tell him how I feel so he knows I'm not going anywhere but need to balance this with it potentially adding pressure onto him!
Thank you!!!
|
self.bipolar
|
Current mood In a very “what’s the point attitude”. My boyfriend and I had a talk about getting engaged. Nearly broke us up. Not sure how to process what he said. I just wanted to be mean and ugly and I couldn’t, I was too hurt. He says it’s for other reasons.. I know it’s me. I don’t know why he’s with me. I’m starting not to care. Nothing seems to matter. Everything is ruined. Even if there was a way to go back... I’m not interested.
|
self.depression
|
I left my home and bf of 5-6 years started all over again alone( update from the hotel post) [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
A Dichotomy of Heart and Mind Hello people of Reddit!
Due to my Asperger's, I used to be an aggressive person. I enjoyed being feared, and having power over others. Looking back, I honestly doubt I had friends back then.
Luckily, I got rid of that side with some counselling and stuff, and things were better. I became a kind, gentle and harmless dude who finally got friends. I was spontaneous, sociable and enjoyed company. All was well...
Then I met a girl during a course/camp, teaching me how to work with kids (I don't know the proper word for it, sorry). She was a friend's friend, and being who I was, I welcomed her into the group with open arms. She was kind, had great sense of humour, conversations with her came so naturally and... she was undoubtedly my type. It didn't take long before I grew immense feelings for her, unlike anything I had ever felt before. I was in Love and hopelessly so, too. We slow danced the final evening, and hit it off the next day.
The relationship lasted 3 days, at max, but I had never felt so serious about anyone. Although it was debatable if there even was on at all, I felt truly happy... until she cheated on me (read: she kissed someone else, while I hadn't kissed her yet). She dumped me after that, and moved on. In her defence, my feelings had gotten the better of me, and I had smothered what little we had, but my world still collapsed. All our plans to go to conventions together, to prom, ... flew out the window.
I stopped going out, shut myself in and started stressing out when I came within 2 meters of a girl, let alone talk to one. My self-confidence and my ability to spontaneously talk to people both crumbled.
For weeks, I cried myself to sleep, I had nightmares about seeing her kiss that dude and me beating him to death (after which I would wake up, smiling). I was in a fucked-up place. It took me a little less than a year before I felt "meh", instead of "shitty".
After summer holiday, I was glad to be able to start over at university, doing what I liked. Of course, there had to be a girl that looked just like my ex, who also took the same route as me, and everything came back. I felt shitty once again, for my body acted as if that random girl was my ex. At some point, I could differentiate the two, but my feelings for the new girl remained. I wanted to talk to her (and be with her, quite frankly), although I only knew her by looks. At the same time, I wanted to stay away. To ignore her as hard as I could, 'cause I would just hurt myself again. Eventually I reached out, but to no avail. There was no decent connection.
So I tried moving on, which kinda worked out. I told myself I would be better off on my own, because love was just a chemical reaction, followed by a symbiosis between two people, which resulted in mating (no, I did not know R&M back then).
I couldn't keep that motivation for even a month, and before I knew it, I fell in love again despite my efforts to focus on myself and my knowledge that it wouldn't end well.
There was no winning against my cursed inability to just love myself, focus on my studies and let girls be.
Things appeared to work out, and we became close. I had the time of my life with her. I felt that I could finally conquer my negativity and I found my faith in Love again.
I became her best friend, despite my efforts to hang out with her, ask her on dates and show her that I was, in fact, boyfriend material. I severed ties after my confession, because I learned that she has eyes for a dude she met on Tinder. I had done so much to better myself, to be the best version of myself, so she could see what great things could lie in store, yet I lost to a dude she simply met through an app. I felt insufficient and unwanted again.
It's now been about a month since I broke contact and I still feel like shit sometimes. I still long to love someone and be loved, although my mind tells me that it's not a good idea, that I should focus on myself and that love is bullshit. I know it, and I want to be my own person. I don't want my happiness to depend on someone, and yet I can't. I still keep looking and searching for love, despite every fiber in my body screaming that it's not a good idea.
I feel like an overly-negative idiot, who can't even control his urges. I want to believe that it's not always gonna be this way, that "the one" (whatever that means) is out there, but I can't.
Thank you for reading :)
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm constantly depressed and I don't Know why. I'm just an 18-year-old high school student. I also just want to die. But I have no idea why I want to so bad. I just got accepted into college, I have an amazing and loving boyfriend, my grades are good, I have a good family, and things are going alright.
But I still want to die.
I know I can't, but I've made plans. I even tried to once when I was in my sophomore year. I have a counslor and psychiatrist that are trying to help, but nothing seems to be working.
Three days ago, I thought that if I got my boyfriend to hate me, then it would have been easier to kill myself. Of course, it didn't work, and now my dad is considering hospitalization. I feel tension in my chest every time I think about it. The way he cried and begged me to know what was wrong and how he could help. I'm crying right now while writing this.
I know I'll leave so many things behind if I go through with it. I never imagined that I would make it this far. I just don't know what to do. And I think a relapse is just around the corner for me. I kinda hope that I don't make it through this one.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Do you guys ever feel so depressed that you feel uncomfortable in your body? This has been happening a lot lately and I never know how to deal with it and my reactions have been getting more and more self destructive. It just feels so hard to just sit there and deal with it. Does anyone understand what I'm saying and do you have any ways to I guess try to ignore it?
|
self.depression
|
I want opinions Well, my gf and I, we both have 16 years and we have some time thinking about a baby. Times before we have been in the situation that we get scared about a possible pregnancy but the thing is that we get scared but we say that if it happens, we would work it out. We have been talking about having a baby at this age, 16-17. We know the consequences, we know what we are going to lose, we know the sacrifices and we know the responsibilities. We would start working and talk to our families to see if they support us. We know that things are going to change in a huge way, but we still want to have it.
I am just looking to hear you out, to know your opinion even if its bad, or maybe any tip about teen pregnancy?
|
self.offmychest
|
I can't fucking do this anymore Tonight I'm ending it, I can't live like this.
I'm sorry Anne
I'm sorry Saraynia
I'm sorry to my family who will mourn me for the rest of their lives
I'm sorry to everyone of my friends who tried to save me
I'm sorry to everyone of my friends who I could never tell
I'm sorry to everyone of the people who gave up their time and money to get me here
I'm sorry to everyone that I gave up
Please don't follow me
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Do you get colds often? My immune system sucks, I basically get a cold monthly and sometimes bi-monthly. I feel it sneaking up on me now . I have my questions that these frequent colds are from my anxiety keeping me up and lack of sleep and stress. Does this affect anyone else?
|
self.depression
|
Life isn’t enough for me and it will never be enough. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
How does the psychologist /know/ you're bipolar? Are there any test or do they just go off of what you say? I'm pretty sure i've had two hypomanic episodes in the past two months and now i'm in a really deep depression. My friends are urging me to go to a psychologist. I've been formally diagnosed with OCD, and thats easy to diagnose because theres obvious distress when I couldn't do a ritual during CBT. But how does the psychologist /know/ if i've had a hypomanic episode if i go in when im depressed? Wont they just think i have depression? Am i just over thinking this?
|
self.bipolar
|
Just Looking To Vent To Someone I have a KIK, please PM me so we can share accounts to talk there.
---
Things just keep getting worse and I feel so trapped. Too pained to keep living and too scared to die.
Just looking for someone I can trust to vent too, with no judgement.
I'm a 24/female, in an abusive realtionship, no where else to go, and anxiety/depression issues that are triggered pretty much everyday from traumatic events.
Just sick and tired of living...
(UPDATE = got a few messages already, thank you everyone.)
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
im done man Im just done. This isn't a suicide note, thats not on the table, but im just feeling pretty done rn. something needs to change. i dont want to do anything. im done doing anything. my brain is exhausted. its been years now, im done. im just gunna eat some fucking mac n cheese, see what happens next. i dont care anymore. this is all fucking retarded, i want my life back now.
|
self.Anxiety
|
What are your go-to Songs when you're Down? I have a few songs that I listen to to help with my mood in both cases. But, my go-to when I'm down is Metropolis Pt. 1 by Dream Theater.
Lyrically, it has no impact, but the fact that it's so complex and fun to listen to (plus DT is my favourite band) forces me to concentrate on something other than my feelings.
What are your go-to tracks?
|
self.bipolar
|
too scared to die. everyone has friends.. and people they can hang out with. I feel like no one really understands me. I feel like i’m walking through life with nobody. I always think about killing myself. just ending it all. im too scared though. I know no one would even care that I was gone or miss me. my whole family hates me, i’m like an outcast. I have friends, sure, but they’ve all got their best friends and people they’re worried about way more than me. no one would even think twice. two weeks after i’m gone, no one would care. so why am I so afraid to just off myself? why can’t I just get the guts to end it all? I want to die.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I don’t know what to do anymore... I have been at the point of suicide many times before. One time being saved by my sister by taking the knife out of my hand. Haven’t truly been happy for as long as I can remember. Whenever happy comes up it’s very short and is always overshadowed by the same darkness that is with me everyday of my life. I have friends that will probably support me if I asked them to, but I hate having people worried about me. I am getting ready for college, and working, and doing all these extra curricular activities on top of school work and things at home aren’t helping and it’s becoming too much. Sometimes it feels like the world just hates me I don’t know what to do.. suicide has always been an option for me but i have family I love and friends that I love and care about.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Yesterday I finally deleted more than two thousand junk emails from over a month of neglect. I also updated two hundred apps. Now to get over the showing every damn second I'm not expected somewhere.
|
self.depression
|
What low cost aids for depression are out there? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
After using Shrooms for the first time, I truly want to kill myself. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm afraid that one day the police are going to show up at my door and tell me that he finally killed you. I know I can't talk to you about this, because we both know I have tried. You're a counselor, a therapist, you can hide these truths from yourself better than I can expose them to you.
But I heard you talking tonight, about how he threatened to kill you. You're hiding it from me. So we do this dance again, where I pretend I don't know so that you keep talking to me and don't shut me out, so I can be there to continue to support you, so I can be there if you ever finally do leave.
I don't know how to process this. I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm so lost.
|
self.offmychest
|
How to talk to a doctor I've been feeling like I Might be suffering from anxiety recently with a lot going on in my life recently. I never want to do anyrjing I used to love doing, Ill double triple think almost everything over before I do it, trying to give my self ant reason not to, just don't have motivation to do anything and have recently been a lot more shy in public places, always on edge and trying to stay as undetected as possible .. If something goes wrong I will sometimes have mild panic attacks and throw up sometimes.. I've started to think I'm turning crazy at some times, with my mind always going from thing to thing. I've also not been able to eat as well recently, I weigh like 40 pounds less than what I did 1-2 years ago and almost never have an appetite.. I'm always tired now and don't have the motivation to do anything
So basically what I'm trying to ask, is how do I bring this up to my doctor? I feel like I need help but have never had to go to a doctor for problems like this before.. what would they do/say would I be prescribed anything? If so what do you think it would be? I don't want Xanax that's for sure, maybe something like cloneazepam would be nice I've tried one of my friends and it made me feel normal again for the day!! I'm in Canada btw
|
self.Anxiety
|
Crying that is actually painful? I keep having this problem, and now it has happened twice in the past six days. I get so down that I just sit down and cry. Physiologically speaking, when we get upset, that actually affects heart rate. I just wonder if anyone else has the same issue.
I feel like my heart hurts. Maybe these are actually panic attacks. It hurts, and even for a while after I stop crying. I don't have any physical health problems that would suggest a heart issue. I just don't want to be in pain when I get upset.
|
self.depression
|
Cw: sui, depression - - - - - - - Cw: sui, depression
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
-
Tried to kill myself the other day (took a bunch of pills) but nothing happened.
A few months ago my mom told me I’d never be able to have a job. The other day my bf told me he didn’t think I’d be able to work unless my ptsd and ocd got better.
I feel like I’ll never get better. I took almost a whole bottle and nothing happened. I didn’t even get tired.
I’m glad nothing happened. I don’t want to hurt my family and boyfriend. But I’m miserable. I’m tired of costing everyone money and not contributing. I’m tired of having ocd. I’m tired of having ptsd. I’m tired of being me.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Anxiety causing me to want to back out of a possible work promotion I applied for a higher up position at work about a week ago. At first, I was all for it and was super excited. The group of people in that position have said they wanted me over in the department for awhile now, so I know I have a good chance at getting the job.
BUT
Anxiety has gotten to me over the past 24 hours since I got an interview for the position that is next Thursday. I'm starting to think of cons about the job. I'm making excuses, stupid things like I wouldn't see my normal social circle as much anymore or how am I suppose to meal prep to save money for 7 days in a row? (The schedule is 7 day on/ 7 days off)
The job is also a little more challenging than what I do currently and I'm worried I won't be able to succeed. It's all I've been able to think about and it's consumed my thoughts all day. I just want to not interview and pull my application so I don't have to worry about it.
I want thoughts, comments, stories. Just any input really.
|
self.Anxiety
|
anyone else not feel comforted when someone says youre not alone? obviously im not in a good spot, i just made a reddit account and this is my very first post. things are going great /s. anyways, whenever my friends, who do mean well, say im not alone that doesnt help me at all. like, why would i feel better that other people feel the same way? i honestly dont think im going to keep holding on much longer, so why would it be nice to know other people feel the same?
ive done everything i can to better myself. ive been going to therapy for over a decade, on medication for almost as long, i exercise, try and go outside, i have great friends and i do amazing at college, but none of its enough, and i feel so selfish but i just cant keep doing this anymore. i genuinely dont remember what my hobbies or likes are anymore because ive been depressed so long. i started seeing a psychiatrist and he was suprised that i fit all the depressive qualifications for bipolar depression, but none of the mania aspects, meaning im in a more severe depression than your standard depression, but the medication that would help a bipolar person wouldnt help me. even the best my therapist can do is to tell me to hang in there. im so tired and alone. i miss my ex like crazy and i hope one day soon i have the guts to finish what i tried years ago and succeed in killing myself. im a huge financial strain on my parents and an emotional burden on everyone else. i just cant keep going and im sorry.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I was recently Prescribed Vicodin after a procedure and I noticed that the Hydrocodone completely eliminates any of my anxiety problems and makes everything feel amazing. Are there any non-narcotic options out there that have a similar effect in Relieving anxiety? Don't want to pick up an opiate addiction, plus I'd like to find something that doesn't require a prescription.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Considering ending it. Ill get straight to it. I'm so fucking alone.
The few friends I had in the past were holding me back from moving my life forward so I removed them from my life. My family doesnt understand me at all and my 3 siblings all have another dad. We had very different childhoods, they basically grew up with a real family while I grew up in a split up family since 4 years old with an alcoholic dad who would always have parties with his bum ass friends when I was there every other weekend for pretty much my whole life up until I cut contact with him in my early teens. I have my mom who tries to help me and give me advice and I listen but I always leave with more questions than when I came and no answers. I live totally alone and 90% of my neighbors wont even make eye contact with me even though I try to be outgoing. I have 1 guy online Im very good friends with but he just doesnt understand my lifestyle at all and cant help me or give me any advice. The only friend in my life has nothing else to say except "Sorry man I really wish I could help you" every single time that I try to make him see I need help. Low-key crying out for help on social medias almost daily but theres not a single person who gives a fuck. Not one. Ive started doing xans heavily and they make me feel absolutley amazing because I have no stress about anything. I keep popping them as soon as the effects wear off and deep down Im just wishing they would kill me already. Ive tried getting a meeting to see a psychologist but I missed both appointments I had due to no sleep and honestly not even caring about going. I know all the steps I have to take to improve my life but I cant do it. I just cant. I havent been to school in 2 weeks. I havent applied for my welfare check so I dont even know how Ill get money for rent this month. I go to bed at 6-8 in the morning. I barely eat. I dont cook anymore. I dont shower. I dont even brush my fucking teeth. This all started after my breakup although Ive had alot of these slumps in the past.
I had a girlfriend. She was my best friend and my true love. The most sweet, caring, supportive and understanding girlfriend any man could wish for. She would put her whole life on hold without a second thought whenever I needed her and I tried my best to do the same for her. We went through so much bullshit together when we were both at our absolute lowest point in life and we helped each other every single day. Her family would constantly treat her like absolute shit, I'm talking shit like her mother telling my girl she is completely worthless in her mothers eyes if my girl would commit suicide when she was heavily depressed. My friends would always take their insecurities out on me by ridiculing me and trying to bring me down for wanting to do something with my life while they only wasted theirs. None of that shit phased us because we had each other and that was all we needed. I motivated her to get her drivers license and education and a job and I was so happy for her. I finally helped her become the grown woman I always wanted to see her as. I wanted to marry her and made plans of how I could get to a point in life where I could settle down with her and start a family together. Her life improved but... mine, not so much. Atleast not enough for her apparently. So she left me. She said that I'm holding her back. Im guessing she saw me going self-destruct mode once again and simply didnt care enough anymore to make an effort to help me. She put herself first and she fixed her life. I cant be mad at her for that. I still think about her every single day and occasionally check if she has unblocked me yet. Now she's living good but Im more miserable than I have ever been in my life. I cant get our last conversation out of my head. She finally told me she loved me again for the first time in probably a month before we broke up. She kept saying, "I hope one day we will see each other again" over and over and over like leaving was the last thing she ever wanted to do. Yet she did. The breakup was very respectful and mutual and we wished each other the best even though all I wanted to do was scream until my lunges collapsed. The one and only person who understood me and helped me through this hellhole of a fucking life is now gone. The one I searched all my life to find and now she's gone. She seems unsure of how she wants our current relation to be and to be honest thats the only reason Im still here. Waiting, hoping. What I think is funny is how she left the one who gave her everything he could and instead turned to her family who has done nothing put her down and make her feel worthless her whole life. We have no contact anymore as she blocked me but she keeps showing me support with my music making. I know she still thinks about me and that all just makes it worse. Im not the kind of man who cries, rarely ever. Once per year if even that, not even in my slumps do I cry. But now Ive cried probably 20 times in 2 weeks. Ive smashed my entire apartment up in rage fit which will cost me alot of money when I move out of here but thats the least of my worries right now. Waking up to an apartment that looks like someone broke into and smashed it everyday affects me heavily psychologically and I dont have it in me anymore to soldier up. I just wanna stay in bed and forget all of this constant pain. I used to be filled with testosterone and confidence about everything I did. I thought deep about my life and made the right choices. Now all I make is the wrong choices. I got 900 bucks this month for a 3 month job I did in the summer. Thats already all gone. Spent it on xanax and weed and ready-to-eat food. I feel like a teenager again just struggling to see any reason at all to keep going. I want to end my life so badly but Im scared of dying. I have visions of myself laying dead in my bathtub soaked in my own blood being found by the only people who love me and I would never wish that upon my worst enemy, much less the only ones who care about me. I cut myself really deep recently and my old online friends saw it and didnt really care that much. Never asked if I was ok or if I needed to talk. They were too busy smoking weed and gaming. It feels like Im dangerously close to just slitting my throat next time I lose control of myself due to these anger issues I have. Ive researched ways to kill yourself painlessly but Im not ready to do that. I want it to be fast and over with.
Every single day is the exact same repeat. Wake up, avoid thinking about life, sigh, go back to sleep. Wake up a few hours later, check my phone to see 1000 missed calls and messages related to appointments and meetings and I just click them all away without checking them, go back to sleep. Eventually my stomach grumbles violently and Im forced to get the fuck out of bed and go buy some sandwitches or some shit. Come back home, take drugs, make music, feel like everything is perfect while my entire fucking world crashes and burns around me.
I dont have fuck all left to live for. I dont have a single person in my life to tell me that what Im doing is meaningful and that I can do anything I put my mind to. Im completely alone in this journey of life and I just cant handle that.
Not to sound like a complete asshole here but please save your "You can always message me" comments. I struggle to even keep myself together and stay in touch with my family, much less complete strangers online. Honestly I dont even know why Im posting this. Im not expecting any good advice because whenever Ive asked for advice Ive only been told shit I already know or it ends with "Sorry, cant help ya". I guess Im here because theres nowhere else to turn.
Thanks i guess.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
First Time With Real Suuicidal Thoughts - Maybe Bipolar Hi. This is a novel so I don't expect anyone to read it and I am too exhausted to proof read. I don't have a bipolar diagnosis but I think that might be my issue. I have had anxiety and depression issues for about 13 years. I have been taking Effexor for most of that time because it was relatively well tolerated.
The first medicine I was put on was good ole' Prozac. Within a few days I had racing thoughts and weird ideas. I was trialed on Zoloft and had the same reaction. Higher doses of Effexor made me extremely angry and sort of violent.
I also developed a gambling problem and was seeing prostitutes for a time. I think I only enjoyed the excitement / rush of the illegality of seeing a prostitute.
I have always been very irritable even as a child. I manage people at my job and I often reacted to the stress by lashing out at people or being rude. I always feel bad and apologize to people but it was hard to control.
In April of this year the stress became extreme. At the same time I was trying to treat people better so I just bottled up the anger. I had my first panic attack in many years at work. I was a grown man crying uncontrollably in the bathroom.
It's like something broke in me that day. My stopped having any strong emotions. Lost most motivation. I would have random crying / panic / depression attacks that would come out of nowhere.
I spent most of the summer changing my diet, working out, taking supplements, yoga, meditation... tried to make more social connections. For a while it seemed to work. I thought that the yoga in particular was helping. I was feeling pleasant sensations in my body and sort of had a mild high feeling. I didn't do anything crazy or what seems to me to be stereo-typically manic but I wonder if it was some sort of mania.
Things started getting worse again in September. The depressive lows came back. They are sort of mixed or brought on in a panic attack like feeling. It's really bad for a few hours, then I recover a bit and feel strange for a few days. Then I feel sort of normal for a few days and the cycle repeats.
I saw a psychiatrist a few weeks ago and was given a script for Rexulti. During this new patient appointment the Dr spent most of the time typing basic information into the computer. He was nice and well meaning but I don't trust his diagnosis, or lack there of, at all. I don't want to have this drug push me off the rails and I am terrified of the "you may kill yourself" side effect. I have not taken the Rexulti yet and am trying to see another doctor.
Today I have another panic / depressive episode at work. It started with just thinking about small stressful things and spun out of control. I had to leave work in the middle of the day and make up another excuse to people.
As I sit here now I would not consider myself suicidal. I don't think I was at that point earlier today but I was damn close. I was so mentally irritated sad and angry it felt like the mental equivalent of being lit on fire.
I have a small, small, amount of hope left. My friend who had very similar issues as I do was put on lamactil and it was life changing for him in a good way. I know everyone's chemistry is different but I think it's want I should really try instead of Abilify 2... Rexulti-bugaloo.
I know it's impossible to get a Reddit diagnosis but I am wondering if this irritable, panic inducing low is familiar to anyone. Perhaps this is some sort of rapid cycling?
Thanks.
|
self.bipolar
|
Ive only been manic after weed binges, is it just a matter of time? I'm wondering if it's possible for me that the marijuana is the only thing that will induce mania. I have only been manic twice in my life and both times i was heavily smoking. I'd notice random signs of mania leading up to my psychosis and actual manic episode. Again this has only happened to me while i was heavily consuming marijuana. I am prescribed lithium but i am worried that I will never find out if weed was the actual problem if I keep taking it. I don't want to take medication for the rest of my life if I don't absolutely have to. Also, I am pretty worried about the harshness of lithium as my organs have shown to be weak to drugs in the past. The episodes happened about a year apart and there was depression in between. Should I wait and see if I have another episode staying sober? Or is it impossible once you have had mania for it to not reoccur?
|
self.bipolar
|
Depression has turned me into an introvert I've struggled with depression for a long time. It's gotten worse lately, and one thing I've noticed is that I get drained quickly in social situations. Whether this is from constantly hiding my feelings behind a smile or just from fatigue, I don't know. But more often than not, I find myself excusing myself from social interactions to "recharge".
Does anyone else notice this?
|
self.depression
|
Just found myself reading obituaries and feeling jealous of the ones who died young. I'd never kill myself, but sometimes I just wish I'd die suddenly and painlessly so everyone else could move on, and I'd stop feeling this way and making my loved ones put up with me, constantly having to prop me up.
|
self.depression
|
I feel like really I just enjoy being sad [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
please stop lying to me saying it's going to get better it's not going to get better
I don't wanna be here anymore
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
First winter depression in 2 years is bursting right through my medication, what do? [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
Ironic how death makes you feel less lonely? Perhaps it is one of those jokes of the universe, but since seriously considering leaving life behind due a complex mixture of broken relationships, the conviction that I am a burden to others and an ironic recognition of the fact that humanity's greatest tragedy is it's self awareness - i have in some ways felt less lonely.
Perhaps if you're reading this you have felt that too?
Despite feeling utterly alone in my life (i'm the classic clown, hiding the truth, although anyone experienced with mental health will hear the serious self-dislike in the 'gentle jokes' i poke at myself) since seriously considering 'the end' I have felt a strange sense of not being 'alone'
perhaps there is some measure of self- survival programmed deep within our Psyches, which stops us from committing the ultimate biological failure in ending ourselves.
Well I see through you Biology, I am sorry for many things in my life, I am sorry for all the people i have hurt, some inadvertantly and some just because I didn't care or value you.
However I am also sorry for myself in some ways - I am sorry to my mother who struggled to raise me single handedly that you did your best but I still failed to overcome my own issues to be able to be there with you into your old age. As an only child i can see how utterly selfish this is in many ways.
You didn't do anything wrong, you did your best and for however many days or weeks I have left, I will always be thankful. This feels like a betrayal ,but it isn't.
I am scared to go into death- like so many of your stories that i have read here i find it wonderous that we can be so frightened to go on but also scared to leave. (one of the wonderful jokes played on us by the chemical computers in our skulls?)
I have felt the colour draining from my life over many months now. I no longer enjoy my existence, I merely exist. I do not live.
I am sad I will never fall in love again. I am sad I no longer dream, I am sad I cannot find any magic in the world. I am sad I can only admit these things to strangers online, rather than actively seeking real help. I am sad I genuinely do not believe there is anything beyond this life but being forgotten and decaying.
I am tired. This race or fight or whatever sporting analogy you want to use is done.
I really was so in love with everything and everyone once, I suppose it is done now and that gives me an incredible sense of peace. I hope the pain is short, i hope the fear is over quickly.
I hope if reading this scares you that you get better. I can't. I'm tired now
x
take care everyone.
edited because death is acceptable, poor spelling is not.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I hate my friends kid He has issues. His mom has tried everything. I don't even like kids much less little fuck hole kids. I cannot stand him. I can't stand the way he begs and begs and begs and whines and whines and whines "because he has OCD." I can not stand the way he acts. I can't stand him. I can't. I just can't. I literally want to beat him. And he wants to stay the night... So not happening.
|
self.offmychest
|
I feel so empty Like an actual husk walking around. Going through the motions day in and day out. I'm not sure if I *actually* have depression because getting actually tested for it would make it too real for me. I wish I could just check out for a month or so and deal with myself.
|
self.depression
|
I kinda just want to vent to someone I don't know, I want to vent to someone and I don't know who to talk to, I feel like no one will listen anyway
|
self.depression
|
How do I help my suicidal friend living across the country, and what are you supposed to say except for those "just keep holding on" & "it will get better soon"s you've already heard a million times? I have no idea if this even fits here but I'll give it a try. I am trying to help and support my friend (who lives on the opposite side of my country) who cuts herself and has suicidal thoughts, but I just don't know what to say.
I feel like those "it will get better"s and "just hold on"s won't quite make it, they're just meaningless since the person obviously just can't/don't want to "keep holding on".
TL;DR What DOES matter when trying to help a suicidal person (who you can't help by physically preventing cutting/similar since they live far away)?
Edit: Me and a couple others did help her to get involved with a psychologist, so that helped her a lot, but her appointments are just once per month and in between those I can tell she gets "very low lows" if you get what I mean.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I've been having uncontrollable bouts of rage when I get with depression but when I see a therapist I can't bring it up Whenever something goes wrong I have extremely violent thoughts but lately I've found it hard to control these thoughts, they build up inside me and it burns with seething rage, sometimes at somebody and sometimes and nothing in particular, sometimes the entire world. I started talking to a professional but everytime I tell myself to tell them about these violent thoughts my brain is like no don't do that and i honestly can't figure out why. Any advice?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
How do you keep from killing yourself when you have nothing and nobody? Long story short, I'm a 24yo woman with no friends, no boyfriend, and have lost interest in everything. Have struggled with depression for at least 15 years. Have tried therapy and every antidepressant on the market. Everyone I've loved has either left or died (family, SO, etc) and now I'm incapable/terrified of any kind of physical or emotional intimacy with another person. The only reason I'm alive is that I don't want to put my mother through the death of her daughter but living gets harder and harder every day and I don't know how much longer I can take it.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
How the the trump administration and North Korea are in a way..Sapping my will to live. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Do you ever feel like you can manage w/o doctor/meds? I don't have a diagnosis, but I'm pretty sure I have BD. My mom was diagnosed with it. I think my sister has it.
Just a few extreme examples:
A couple years ago my lease on my apartment was ending. I spent a couple days driving all over town looking at new places and filling out apps (this isn't normal for me. I rarely have energy to do more than a couple errands). Within a month I blew throw 6k and fell into a deep depression where I didn't work at all (self-employed) and ended up being evicted from my apartment. Had to move with parents. No new place.
I once moved to a new city without any guaranteed work or income lined up. No plan as to how I was going to make it. I signed the lease without even looking at the apartment. I had been talking about moving for a long time but decided to finally just do it. I moved. And of course, it didn't work out.
I started a trade school at something I had completely no experience in and barely any interest because I "needed something new". I thought a week of staying up all night and "researching" the topic meant I was interested.
I recently just went through what I now think has always been hypomania. It lasted maybe a month. I was super motivated and productive. I was happy. Everything was finally perfect. I'd finally figured life out. Towards the end, I started to feel naturally high. It was like taking adderall. I didn't need food or sleep. (I've gotten this natural high feeling for as long as I can remember. Not always just when I'm super happy.) Then a couple days ago I woke up and was sad as fuck and crying for no reason. Nothing in my life had changed but my mood.
I've always thought I was a spontaneous, free-spirited, adventure seeker but I think I'm just bipolar lol.
Anyway, if I do have BD I believe it's very mild and that I can manage it by being self-aware. Most days I feel fine (normal) but I do struggle with a lot of what others on here struggle with. Just maybe not to the same extent. Anyway, I'm posting this to ask should I stop lying to myself and seek help? My life has been going okay lately. I can't complain but with BD you never know when your mood is going to swing dramatically and you destroy everything you've worked hard to build.
|
self.bipolar
|
i want to kill myself it feels like the pain is too much sometimes. i dont WANT to die. i want to be someone else. i dont want to be me. i dont want to feel the pain anymore. i wont ever be happy. thats not meant for me. i will always be sad. and i just feel like one day i wont be able to take it and the pain will be too much. im not surprised.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Newly diagnosed Bipolar looking for support and somewhere to vent All of my social media platforms are shared with family and friends, have nowhere to openly rant about society. So here I am! Almost two months ago I finally got my diagnosis after years of instability. Learning to live a different- routined life has been a challenge. I wake up to a handful of medications and see a therapist now weekly.
Most of it isn't a big deal. I've known about my mental health for as long as I can I can remember. Now, it's coming out of the "bipolar closet".
My meds give me a rash on my chest that is extremely noticeable, but they keep me stable. I am emotional and cry, but I was so depressed that I hadn't cried in a year.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. But, what helps you? What calms your manic episodes? What gets you out of been when your depression wins the battle?
|
self.bipolar
|
Feel like I fake my panic attacks It sounds so stupid but after I have a panic attack all I can tell myself is “you faked that”, “you’re so attention seeking” even though I blatantly know I didn’t. It’s such a bad mindset but I can’t get out of it, I think it’s because I know when they’re going to happen but I choose not to leave (usually the classroom) because I don’t want to have a panic attack in the corridor - meaning I’m choosing to have one infront of everyone. It’s just always in the back of my mind even at the doctors I’m thinking “everything you’re saying is fake you’re wasting her time”. Its exhausting.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I have a length of rope hidden in a laptop case I'm 16 years old. I bought some rope yesterday and I hid it in a laptop case lying on top of my wardrobe. My next objective is obtaining a bottle of vodka to make "doing it" easier.
I'm not an emo, my parents aren't divorced, I'm not extremely poor. I have no real reason to want to do this. But I can not imagine living for much longer with this feeling of loneliness, failure. With the anxiety. I don't want to keep on laughing around with friends while coming back from school and then crying once I get home. Nobody else knows and nobody would ever suspect.
I'm terrified of telling anybody about any of this. I'm scared that I'll be ostracized, that I'll get the standard "it gets better" "advice", that whoever I tell will never look at me the same way again, all because what I'm feeling is the polar opposite of what I have always appeared to feel.
Does anybody care?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Has anyone thought about therapy but haven't gone to the doctor yet because you don't know what to say? .
|
self.depression
|
We only went on one date, broke up with him due to timing issues, but now I'm crying my eyes out. [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm wrong for wanting to live my life by my own terms; why? I come from a Chinese family that came to Australia about 30 years ago. My parents have done their best to assimilate and know enough English to get by in unfamiliar areas outside of their community. I have an older sibling that grew up here and did well in school before going off the rails and has now built his life back up together. I recently just graduated and am now job hunting in an industry that's not only hard to get into as a junior, it's even harder for me because of what I specialise in.
My parents are traditional in the sense that they want us to worship certain deities for luck, fortune and well being; follow the traditional route of always caring and respecting your elders. My brother is mixed in his beliefs and ideals; he feels strongly about dating and marrying within our race and that as a man, he must be able to not only provide for our family but also his SO at the time.
I don't hold such values in life. Yes, I love my parents and family. I just don't feel obligated to live with them or take them with me if I were to move. I don't see the point of dating and marrying within my race, I feel that there's no reason why I should do that. I don't care about the language barrier my SO has with the rest of my family, I don't care about their ideals and opinion about who I should be with, how I should look for work and how I should live my life. I don't care about 'saving face', giving shitty old people a pass just because they're old. I don't care about traditional values that my family is so strict on following.
Most of all, I hate the fact that I'm born in a shitty culture. The only thing I like is the food. Everything else is just so shitty and disgusting to me; the fact that I am emotionally and mentally shackled to forever look after my aging parents and not live my own life while my brother gets to do and go wherever the fuck he wants. The fact that as the youngest daughter I have to be obedient, slim, attractive and demure is fucking bullshit. The fact that I have to earn 100k on my first job is a requirement from my father is ridiculous and unrealistic as fuck. The fact that I must be fluent in three different dialects because 'culture' is stupid; it's not going to destroy my life if I only know Cantonese, why should I learn Mandarin if I don't speak it at all?
The fact that I must sacrifice everything for the sake of my parents is utterly stupid.
I hate it. I hate it all. I believe in living my life the way I want to, by my own values and morals. It's my life, so why should I let it become someone else's? For the sake of love for family? For 'saving face'? That's fucking stupid; there's no logical explanation for it. If my parents needed help then I will give help; be it money, car, place to live, trips, etc. But to give up all of my dreams and goals and sit at home and be at the beck and call of my parents is downright stupid. They are adults who can function without me; they can take up hobbies like gardening, raising fish, book club, take lessons, etc.
And yet, I'm the one that's selfish. I'm the villain, the uncaring daughter who abandoned her parents to pursue some artsy fartsy career. The daughter who betrayed her race by being with someone who's not Asian. I'm the bad guy for being more 'white'.
Why? I just don't understand.
I did nothing wrong, so why are people telling me I'm the bad guy?
|
self.offmychest
|
What's the difference between feeling anxious and having an anxiety attack? Is an anxiety attack just a bout of worse anxiety? A lot of the time I'll just suddenly start to get anxious and I'll have physical symptoms where I'm shaking and feel really off. I also less frequently have the stereotypical, hyperventilating mess panic attacks before. On top of that I'll just have lesser bouts of anxiety that can have mostly similar symptoms just scaled down and I can still mostly function.
What's the difference between just feeling anxious and having a panic attack and at what point can you make a distinction between feeling anxiety on a lesser scale and an anxiety attack or is it all completely subjective?
(I'm 75% sure I'm making sense lol)
|
self.Anxiety
|
I’ve been taking depakote for almost 6 years and my pdoc is now switching me to lamictal and abilify. Anybody with a similar experience, I’d like to know if you liked the latter better. I know everyone is different but I’m really tired of what the depakote has done to me and my life so it would be great to hear some positive stories. Thanks.
|
self.bipolar
|
I think I might be Bi. Not sure how to handle this. I have always had it rooted in the back of my mind that I just might be a little bit into men, but I always pushed that thought away because I didn't want to accept it and I knew others wouldn't accept me for it. But last night I might have confirmed that I might not be completely just into only women. I was with a girl I had known for a while when we took it into the bedroom. She started riding me and I had a realization that fucked with my head. I thought that as much fun as this was, I kinda just want to.. be with a guy at the moment. I've had sex with 4 different women, never any guys and have always kind of felt this feeling while it was happening but last night solidified it. I don't know how to deal with this information and I don't even know if I can accept it. I have someone to talk to about this that I trust with my life and I know she'll be understanding about all of it. I probably won't tell anyone else because I don't know who will be that cool about it besides her. Sorry for the long rant about nothingness just wanted to type this out as hard as it was.
|
self.offmychest
|
Today I did something I’ve never done before I gave a guy my number on a slip of paper. It’s pretty cheesy but it was exciting to me and I’m happy I did it.
I was at work - I work for the city monitoring public parking lots on the beach & giving tickets when needed. I was with my coworker in our work vehicle and we spotted a car that hadn’t paid. I get out of the car and I’m waved down by a couple firefighters, whose station is right next to the lot. They say a guy just told them he was going to run and check the surf and come right back. I said “Alright, he’s good then”. Right then the firefighters tell me he’s walking up. They start waving to him and joking “Hey! She’s ticketing you! She’s super mean! Get over here!” They laughed and then reassured him I was “one of the nice ones”. The guy walks over and says, “That’s a relief. But you didn’t tell me she was beautiful too.” I’m definitely blushing at this point. We chat a little. He says there’s no surf so he’s heading out. I get back in the car & my coworker says “I think he was flirting with you!” Even if it was to get out of a ticket, I don’t care. It made me feel so good! We start to leave and I told her that he’s too much of a babe and I can’t just leave. Both our cars are pulling out at this point, so she beeps and waves the guy down. She has to do this this whole maneuver to get over to him & she wasn’t going to let him go! I love this girl. I write my number on the back of a ticket, roll my window down and hand it to him. He’s smiling. Says something like “Got it, thanks. “ And we drive off.
He hasn’t texted me but I’m not too worried about it. I was just so flattered by the whole thing. Because of the nature of my job, people are pretty much mean to me all day. He made me feel cute even though I was in my dorky work polo. Whatever happens, I took a risk & I’m glad I did.
|
self.offmychest
|
Me Depression is such a strange word is it not. A word that destroys a persons heart when they hear it aimed towards them. That's exactly how I felt when my mother first said it to me, she said "Honey I think you have depression. I'm so sorry I don't know where it all went wrong for you." Those two sentences are what destroyed me when i was 14. I had asked myself "Is that what I was feeling when I was 12 while i was tearing at my own flesh." I had always though something was wrong with me when I was little, i had even joked with one of my friends that I had "a couple of loose screws" in my head, but I honestly thought I was fine. The only reason why my parents had ever found out when I was younger was because had a heat stroke due to wearing a long sleeve with a sweater on a hot day, if it weren't for that they would have never found all the scars and cuts i had been hiding for years. Even now that I have gotten "better" they don't know that im slowly losing it in my own head, all i ever want to do is scream in their faces and say "Why me, where did I stop being a kid if I was already hurting myself when I was only 12. Shouldn't i be smiling and only cry when I got physically hurt, shouldn't i have a whole heart and not a broken one." I wish i could see where all the pain started in the first place. I can probably figure out what half of you are thinking right now, like why don't you just get help, or why don't you just tell someone. Trust me I have tried, i have gone to see psychologists, I have been to mental wards and hospitals, yes I have gotten better but only for a while. Every time that I am happy I think "Yes I am actually making a life, I don't feel so lost and alone. I'm going to make a life out of what I have." But after a couple of months that happiness starts to fade little by little and I feel it slipping away so slowly that it feel like a knife slowly entering my heart and having it twist inside of me. It hurt so mush that as time went by i felt like a part of me had just died and I had lost it forever. But yeah this is what i have been feeling for a while, and sorry for rambling half the time but then again this is for offmychest.
|
self.offmychest
|
I don't want to fight this alone anymore I don't want to be alone anymore. But I'm afraid of reaching out. I'm afraid that I'm just not cut out for life. Like there are requirements you have to meet in order to be a part of humanity. And I don't meet these. I'm bound for being alone and ultimately suicide. I hope I'm wrong. I have a lot of anger that I don't like carrying around with me, I want to let it go. But it ties in with my fear, loneliness and confusion.
|
self.depression
|
I don't have friends because I have anxiety, I have anxiety because I don't have friends. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Sometimes I feel as if depression is my friend So, this hasn't happened recently, but it may come back. Sometimes, when I lie in bed, I feel that my room is the only place in the universe and that everything that I know outside of it is just my mind. Then I talk to myself, but in second person. I say things about how worthless I am and how I'm stupid and will never amount to anything. I hurt myself, but I feel a strange comfort from it. I feel that the little, hurting voice will always be there with me, and that I can just spend all my time beating myself up. I don't know why, but I just seem to like being sad, in a strange kind of way. I know what I'm posting isn't as bad as some of the other stuff here, so I'm sorry for taking away attention from those that need it most.
|
self.depression
|
Love being single [NAW] So this is really just me venting because I've gone back to my hometown and have therefore gone back in time 50 years, apparently. Maybe longer. Maybe I've gone back in time 100 years to the time before women's suffrage. That's what it feels like socially. Like women are working because everyone here is working class but they're still expected to do all the cooking and cleaning at home and take care of the kida all by themselves. It's enraging honestly.
When I moved away I had a boyfriend. I told everyone, including the boyfriend, that it was not a serious relationship. That I did not see us together long-term and, in fact, did not see myself with anyone long-term. I wanted to get my tubes tied but decided to use thay money on university classes instead and would continue on with the IUD even though I don't like it much.
I like being single. For lots of reasons. Some of them are good reasons some of them I know are the result of trauma but I don't know why that makes them less valid.
I've never wanted to be married. I remember being 8 years old and realizing not everyone gets married and being so relieved. Until that time I thought it was something grown-ups HAD to do and was very happy to find out it wasn't true.
Besides that, all the friends and family that don't believe me are in relationships that make them unhappy. Obviously, they're happy in some ways but in others they really aren't. Some of their husbands are straight up abusive. And they think I'd be happier married!!!
I don't have sex often and like it that way. When I want it I usually find a way to have it but it's not something I think about often and it's certainly not a driving factor in my life like it was when I was younger.
I like being in control of the remote. I like making dinner for myself. I like going to the movies by myself, reading without having to carry on a conversation at the same time, not being badgered to decorate the house and make it more homey, not having arguments about which bills need to be paid and which can be put off so Sir can go on his precious golf trip. I like being alone.
|
self.offmychest
|
My first relationship is ending I think and it's fucking awful. im in my mid 20s and so is she. im so late in the game probably because of depression my entire life and probably being around nothing but women in my family and just disliking how everyone of them acts.
i finally meet someone on tinder and it's been over three months since. at times i feel like we lived the same life growing up. we have so much in common. we both know nearly everything about each other. however lately it's been completely different than usual.
there's a couple notable events that have happened since what i felt is a decline. 1) she got a new job working 40-45 hours/week, 2) i reasonably started slightly pushing her into literally just sleeping over the last time she was at my place and i got noticeably miserable and she said it made her awkward. 3) after number 2, i called her on her way home (because i hesitated to talk to her before she left) telling her i wanted to talk about us and whats going on and why she doesn't want to sleep over.
since these events the following has happened:
have not talked on the phone on my lunch break or after she gets out
barely text/interact on social media (the biggest change is snapchat and rarely sending my exclusive snaps as well as any in general.)
has not come over after work. (she use to at least once during mid week and usually after work on friday).
i don't even know what's going on anymore. we've both told each other almost everything about each other, but when it comes to how she's feeling she is locked up.
all i know is last week i was miserable and this week i think i might have accepted that the best thing in my life in forever is possibly dying slowly. im afraid to do anything in fear i might be overthinking everything and just ruin it.
|
self.offmychest
|
When you are bipolar and your post could belong to so many other subreddits, but you revert to r/bipolar cos you know “it’s like home there”. I’ve forgotten what my post was about, blame it on pervasive or co-morbid ADD. Nevertheless, tell me what’s in your mind tonight. Tsk! We do emphathize
|
self.bipolar
|
Ever since I was diagnosed with herpes I’ve thought about killing myself everyday [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm sorry Throwaway because you know my Reddit username.
I said something awful to you last night. I said it because I was frustrated from work, but that's no excuse. You didn't do anything wrong, and I chose to say hurtful things. You ignored me for an hour, but then you talked to me. When I asked why you chose not to ignore me, you said because you love me. Six months ago, when we started this, I promised you I'd never hurt you. Yesterday I broke that promise. Hurting you is the last thing I ever wanted to do, and yet it's the first thing I did after work.
This morning, when I woke up, I said "hey" to you. You said "hey" back. When I heard your voice, I just wanted to cry because it's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. You kept asking me if I was okay this morning, and I kept saying I was. You told me to promise I was okay three separate times. I lied all three times. I don't deserve your sympathy. I'm the one that fucked up. You shouldn't be the one that ends up feeling bad.
I love you, my princess. I'm sorry I hurt you.
|
self.offmychest
|
Need help - anxiety post-sparring I’ll keep it short.
I’ve never had major anxiety before.
Tonight I just did an mma fighting class, something I’ve never done.
It was exhausting to my max but I was fine straight after.
It’s been a couple of hours and the adrenaline has worn off and I’m having a bad anxiety attack. My brain feels like it’s fucking glitching and my body is doing its own thing.
Totally new to this, what do I do
|
self.Anxiety
|
Violent panic attacks when in a car. I am on vacation, and even the plane ride to get here was hell for me. The take off and that stomach lurch you can get during it is pretty much the basis of my anxiety. I feel out of control and that makes me anxious. But now i can get that stomach lurch from just walking certain places, it feels like someone is punching me in the stomach. But now that we are on this island and taking taxis to places, i get a very bad panic attack at least once every time im in the car, the poor driver thinks he did something wrong, my parents make up some excuse, and I feel like i look mentally disabled lurching around in a car seat and yelling. I just dont know what more i can do for this. I take a daily med that helps with almost all my day to day anxiety, i have an as needed xanax style med, and ive seen a few different therapists, nothing seems to give me any solid control over my anxiety. It just becomes something i know is going to happen and that i need to prepare for, and even knowing that its gonna happen makes me even more anxious. I cant take a xanax every time i get in a car, and my doctor says that i shouldnt take too high of a daily dose medicine so that i can still feel anxiety, so what am i to do? I just feel helpless and embarassed.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Xmas day and I want to die I don't understand. I have things that a lot of people don't have: family, friends, and enough to live on. But it doesn't seem to make me like this time of year any more. I don't like having to live through the holidays. I physically don't think I'm able to make it. All I want to do is die. I can only hope I won't be around for next year's December. That's all I want for the holidays next year.
|
self.depression
|
Subsets and Splits
No community queries yet
The top public SQL queries from the community will appear here once available.