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How do i control my irritability? Sometimes i would start raging over small things and i just can't control the anger
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self.depression
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I can't make myself do anything I've been dealing with horrible anxiety and depression for the better part of 2017. I'm on a decently high dose of antidepressants now, which helped for a few months, but now I just feel like my depression is overtaking my life. I have no motivation to do anything right now. I need to clean my bedroom before I start my spring semester of school, and I don't want to just waste my break sleeping, but that's all I feel like I can do. I love to read and have been thinking about starting a blog for book reviews, which is something I'm still interested in, but I have absolutely no motivation to pick up a book or do anything except sleep or watch mindless TV.
I guess I'm asking if anybody else has experienced this and if anybody has suggestions for how to get through this rut. It's so frustrating because I really do consider myself an ambitious and goal-oriented person, but the smallest things (even taking a shower or brushing my teeth) feel physically and mentally impossible at the moment.
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self.depression
|
I'm having a really bad anxiety attack(bad compared to how they usually are for me, at least). What do I do? I started getting really anxious about halfway through my shift at work. The weight of the world, my problems, my mistakes, etc. just started suffocating me at all once. It got even worse when my boss asked me at the end of the shift how far I got. I misspoke and said that I did more than I actually did. I'm too scared off him to correct it, so now I'm sitting here worried sick that he's gonna be mad at me. I want to scream. I want to curl up in a ball. I want to die.
What do I do?
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self.depression
|
Where oh Where has my Creativity Gone? Before meds, I was taking my children to the beach twice a week, gardening, cooking. All the fun things. Super excited about painting our new house and all that. My anxiety was at an all time high. I had been unmedicated for a year due to no insurance. Most of the time I was extremely irritable. Having huge fights with my teenager. Wanting to disown my poor husband who is the kindest soul on earth every time my PMS rolled around. (On top of bipolar 2 and severe anxiety I also have a horrific case of PMDD, yay me!)
So, time to get back on meds. Found a doctor who put me on Effexor, Wellbutrin (That combo worked well in the past) but also added Topamax and Ativan.
At first it was like Yes! I can breath. Before I was having anxiety attacks so bad for no reason out of the blue. That stopped. I felt so much better. What A relief. Then I went to a job interview and didn't have my phone with me, I couldn't remember my phone number. I put a combination of my number and my husband's on the application. Weird. I've always known my phone number. I kept forgetting odd little things. That seems to come and go. Now there's days I can barely get out of bed. Taking a shower feels like work and requires a huge effort. I don't know if it's just a phase, if the medicine isn't working....i don't know. I'm not moody. Anxiety is gone. But so am I. The good parts of me. I need to weed my garden, I usually love that. But I just can't. I should be picking paint colors and turning up the radio and painting my living room or the kids rooms. Or at least cooking dinner. I just want to put on comfy pants and sleep, that's it. Can anyone relate? Any advice?
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self.bipolar
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Pressure Is Building, And I Think I Have No Choice But To Escape Soon [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I'm just so tired To cut a long story short - I've been living with depression/anxiety for as long as I can remember, and I was actually pretty good at managing it for a while (minimal cutting, managed to maintain the appearance of a functional human being) until I tried to end my life when I was about 16. Since then I've struggled in school, failing all but one of my final year exams yet somehow getting into university where I'm now struggling real bad. I can't get out of bed to go to lectures, have suicidal thoughts a lot of the time (which is not ideal when I have lab based modules involving deadly chemicals) and have all but withdrawn from socialising.
Not sure how long I can keep going like this, I wake up every morning and its like I can feel the life spilling out of me. Does anyone else feel this way? How did you get better?
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self.depression
|
How the fuck do I relax I've recently realized that because of long term depression, anxiety and dissociation, i've developed severe general anxiety and health anxiety, which has prevented me from relaxing in months. I miss being able to relax, switch off my mind. Even when i'm doing something stimulating for the mind and have to focus, there is still a second voice nagging at me constantly. You know, the feeling of having had a long stressful day, and being able to just sit down, chill and relax and let go of the stresses. Well I can't do that anymore, EVER - the last time was months ago. Even when I have nothing to worry about at all, and have all the time in the world to chill and relax, my brain just doesn't stop anymore, period. Even when i'm extremely tired, hell, even when im drunk, my thoughts are still racing by, they never stop. I can't enjoy any task anymore, even something like creating music, because i'm always in my head.
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self.depression
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Its most difficult when my friends aren't around When I'm alone nowadays my mind keeps racing with bad scenarios of my gf thats missing, I noticed I was only close to being happy when I was voice chatting with my friends on discord, and right now I rather just die because of how overwhelming my thoughts and feelings are
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self.depression
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Crying while working the register at work I work at a convenience store and had a really rough morning. I'm been in a really bad depressive episode these past few weeks because the person I had feelings for cut me off. I walked into work today and immediately started crying in the break room and went to get on register and started sobbing. People were coming up asking if I was okay and I kept saying I was but I really wasn't. I was ringing people up just trying to wipe away the tears. I'd stop for a bit and then start crying again. Suicide has been on my mind a lot recently. I kept thinking about killing myself while I was at work, then I'd start crying while thinking of my mom's reaction after I kill myself. It hurts. I'm doing okay now. I had a few friends reach out to help me. Today has been a bad day. I don't even know what made it so bad.
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self.depression
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Wish I could freeze time, Take a nap forever [deleted]
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self.depression
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Bank account will most likely hit 0...another job interview where I'm not the primary candidate. Still very unsure of my future.. I'm plenty sick of living woth my family, and yet there's not much I can do about it.
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self.depression
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Just lost.. I’m not one to post stuff on the interwebs like this - I apologize if I offend anyone but I always felt like it was just - humiliating and ridiculous but I’m just at that point of everything where I feel as if I’m staring down an endless pit, one foot above it.
I know I have a very complicated form of depression and stress disorder, anxiety and at times from all this go through phsyical pains and small spells where I hallucinate things in the dark from the constant paranoia and overthinking of every detail.
I’m homeless in a sense - I have no friend nor family; I live with my bf and his abusive family - they are toxic to me and just as toxic to him and so much do i want to leave but where would I go? Sometimes I wanna pack up and run as far as I can but I have no money. At one point midway in 2017 I jad two jobs and all was great till my bf convinced me to get a job at his call center company but policies changed and wages went so down we both axed it; I managed to convince him get back into a warehouse job I had gotten him back into 2016 that pays him very well but me? No job, too much debt, too much student loans so i cant go back to college nor have I been successful at jobs because I dont have much skills and well - Ive only been at two jobs long enough before my depression destroyed that.
I feel the sickness in my brain - in my body and it kills me with these suicidal thoughts (Ive atempted twice before and was inpatient once) but lied to get out with my moms help cause it was scary. Even had two abortions aithin this past year..Never went to therapy or got meds and not I feel the scary effects of all that. Like someone else is trying to drive me out of my own skin..
I havent slept much in a week and well I just sorta drifted in and out of this. I dont know what i really wanna ask or say - I just know I have no idea what to do and I think im falling apart..
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self.depression
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Do You Think Anything Will Make Surviving Worth The Pain of Living? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Starting Uni please help About to start Science at Monash and I've definetely started worrying about wether I'll be able to make friends? I've had trouble during high school due to anxiety and none of my friends are going to Monash with me, is anyone else freaking out too?
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self.Anxiety
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The weirdest feeling ever is when you just randomly stumble upon a photo of your ex getting proposed to in your news feed. I mean, I'm so happy for the both of them, but it feels really weird lol. Not in a sad or negative sort of way but rather just... weird. I don't know how else to put it LOL but congrats, you two! :D
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self.offmychest
|
I love being depressed. It’s so good. Not having a reason to go on and going to sleep every night wanting to die is all I’ve dreamed of. I really purposefully put this on myself. I love these feelings of emptiness :)
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self.depression
|
Turns out, I loved it I was feeling [blah](https://www.reddit.com/r/offmychest/comments/7kh47t/blah/), but as it turns out, I am so glad I went to Star Wars with my partner!
I really enjoyed the story (and, of course, my partner's company), and my mood got way better :-) . And, yes, there was still time to play WoW when I got home. Warlock go BOOM!
Push yourself sometimes; never hurts.
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self.offmychest
|
I feel like the worst human being alive It's unbearable.
I think I'm the worst, ugliest, most terrible person existing. It makes me so suicidal and makes me justifiy anything bad that has happened to me.
But the thing is that a lot of people tell me I'm really sweet, nice and loving towards them.
Yet I get used, mistreated, abused and whatever else exists out there.
Since my break up over a year ago, it has been the worst. If anyone wants to know more about that, I have a post about what he did to me on my profile.
In short, he emotionally cheated on me (probably physically too), never saw me as a person and treated me like an object with no feelings. He loved his best friend the whole time, then got rid of me because of that, stopped talking to her and had a new gf after a few weeks of the break up. (They're together for over a year now).
Aside from that coercing me into sex and using my sensitivity and that I put other's before me.
After the break up, I developed a really dumb and sick habit on lurking on his social media every day. Until now.
Admittely it decreased over the time but for some reason recently he and his girlfriend blocked me at the same time and that made me anxious as hell because I keep thinking about if they found out. Which is possible, because a while ago I followed someone his gf knows on Google + and didn't even expect them talking to me, just followed them for their one blog and to have the referrence. When added on FB, I saw her on their page and instantly deleted them again because I got scared as fuck because me and my dumb habits and now I just validated their hate on me.
I think I'm just really fucking dumb and the worst human ever to have done this and to keep lurking. My impulse control is none.
It's not even because I have any feelings, they're gone and replaced by hate for him. It's just a dumb fucking habit and now I just validated the thought that I'm the worst and terrible.
And since then especially (!) I feel like I'm just an overall bad person who deserves anything bad happening to me. I feel guilty and full of hate but also empty and in misery.
My suicidality and depressive phases are through the roof and I feel I'm worthless and deserve to die because of that.
Though objectively... It's not *the worst* ? Because he did worse stuff to me yet I feel like I'm the bad person...
Or maybe I'm individually bad.
I don't know, can anyone relate so I feel less fucked up?
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self.depression
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Super sad and very depressed... Hi guys, i hope u guys will listen to this and help me... I'm Super depressed.
Basically,
I'm a Music university student. Next week, there is a week of orchestra, and there are 2 flutes. (My instrument). Last month, the school office told me that I was gonna get 1st flute (the more important role). I was Super happy as it was my first time in my so far 2 years in this school.
Today, they officially announced the posts, and I get the 2nd flute. The other student, who is also in 2nd year of university, has donc more orchestra than me, and has already done 1st flute before. Not me. Yet we r in the same year.
I asked her if she could give it, because of the reasons I stated, but she says she wants to do it and she literally said "I Guess they gave me cuz I have so much stress in life".
This girl, I've helped so much during our 2 years, and I've always been there for her. As a helper and Friend. Yet she backstabs be and doesn't even have any sympathy.
Not only Am I angry at the school for screwing up and lying, but also at her.
I'm gonna talk to our flute teacher tommorow, but I'm not hopeful and I'm Super sad.
Life is sooo unfair. Karma will get her. I hope.
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self.offmychest
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My 2018 resolution is save money for a psychiatrist. I just have a panic atack, and after that i realize that i can't live like this no more or i'll end really bad. I hate myself so much guys. I have a decent life and can't enjoy because i don't know why i want to fucking die. So, in Spain psychiatrist are expensive, i have to save a lot of money and see if that shit help, because i need fucking help.
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self.depression
|
My depression is ruining my relationship. 18 year old guy here. Ive been dating this girl for a year now (yesterday was our first anniversary) and today she just told me that my constant unhappiness is draining from her happiness. All I want is for her to be happy and I would do absolutely anything to put a smile on her face. She has a rough life herself and the last thing I want to do is to add even more stress to her life. At the same time though, I don’t want to fake my emotions to her just to keep her happy. Ive been in constant fear that she will break up with me for a solid two months. Now that she’s told me this I’m afraid that she is starting to justify breaking up with me in her own head. This is stressing me out so much and I don’t know what to do. Please help.
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self.depression
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I'm just so exhausted, all I want is to feel at peace. [deleted]
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self.depression
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He warmed up the toilet seat for me This might seem stupid and ridiculous to most people, but I really hate how during the winter the toilet seat is freezing cold in the morning so when I wake up, and I always dread having to go to the bathroom.
Well this morning when I jokingly told my bf about my first world problem, he surprised me by sitting on the toilet seat for a good 5 minutes and warmed it up for me. It’s a small gesture and he probably doesn’t even know how much it meant to me but it made me tear up just thinking how lucky I am to have him. This is the man I want to marry, and also, I hate cold toilet seats. I just wanted to get that off my chest.
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self.offmychest
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There is one thing I hate about programming and its philosophy By the way, there is one thing about the UNIX culture and philosophy that I actually really hate. It is the ``philosophy'' of not `reinventing the wheel'.
I'm completely shattered whenever someone says that to me (someone said that to me twice yesterday). I've spent an hour away from my family trying to get something working on my computer and showing it to some people hoping that it will benefit them, but then I get downvoted and someone says ``don't reinvent the wheel.'' I just fucking hate it omg.
Okay, so, here's the thing. I am a 17-year-old. I have people I should really rather spend time with and they're only growing older. I have studies and work and other shit in life. Yet, I still choose to spend an hour or two implementing a task I have in mind, put my heart and soul into it, and documenting it very well. I choose to do that because I want to get really deep into programming, I want to learn as much as I can starting from the very first steps which might have been walked on by thousands, and I just do it because it is an artform and it is my work. When someone yells at me to stop ``re-inventing the wheel,'' I hit the point in my mind that I become afraid to implement anything because it might end up being something people have done before, and then I end up not writing anything at all!
Most programmers are literally so close-minded. They just want to get things done. They don't see the subtleties put into code and they don't see the hard-work put into writing it. They are not sympathetic enough to understand people like me who really fight to get into the essence of programming whilst doing it fearfully that they may be qwjfoiqhogjpoe OMG ARGH...
What do you expect? If I don't ever reinvent the wheel, do I go and just suddenly actually invent something brand new that nobody has seen before from the first day I learn programming? (By the way, I've been programming for 10 years, so I'm not so new)
I hope you are not like those people. I love, love, love reinventing the wheel. Programming is not just about what gets done, it's about the people who do it; how they write it and all it's just different amongst individuals. When I write code, I don't just look at what gets done, I look at its elegance, the tools I use, the feelings I put into it; it's like a novel, a book, or an artwork. I am so angry about this mindset most programmers have.
If novel readers had the same mindset as programmers, they would criticize a love story of ``reinventing the wheel'' and claim that there are already countless other love stories out there. No, each novel is different, like each piece of code by different people are different.
No, I am not talking about "everyone is all unique," "every indentation style and semi-colon style makes a difference" and those pieces of shit. I am talking about the differences in what is used, the language in which it is implemented, and how it is being put together to achieve the same result.
This is a true story.
I made an implementation of the `<include />` tag in HTML to interpolate files within an HTML file using shell scripts. It took me the hours and the pain, but I managed to do it. Then, get scolded by unsympathetic people.
By the way, the "I don't give a fuck-" and "you only give a fuck to this pedantry-" culture has got to be put to an end. I am not going down for that. I will care about every nook and cranny in a project, every subtlety, and all that. If you want an explanation to a programming problem, not only will I tell you to google it, but I will also guide you with my best abilities. If you don't want to google it, fine, I will typeset a paper for you giving an explanation of that such subject.
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self.offmychest
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Ruined my life over my horrible, disgraceful nationality and all the shit it’s done to me. Ah Pakistan, I may have been born and raised in America but the pain you’ve caused me has spiraled my life into a hole I don’t know how I’ll overcome. The depression, anxiety, and embarrassment you’ve caused for me the past 7-8 years has ruined my life. I used to be the happiest kid, top of my class throughout elementary and middle school. Then the concept of race became prevalent in my life. Seeing news about terrorism and poverty always on the news for Pakistan. A country with little to be proud of and a laundry list to be embarrassed of.
The pain of being teased and laughed at by whites (Greeks, Irish, Italians, etc.) for being Pakistani as well as some blacks, hispanics, and even asians. Learning about the marvel and achievement of ancient Italy and it’s beautiful, groundbreaking architecture, as well as some of the greatest innovators to ever live (Da Vinci, Michelangelo, Marconi). Seeing Italy , Spain, and Germany win the World Cup while Pakistan sits at its lowly 200th FIFA ranking out of 206 countries. Seeing the most wanted man in the world found in Pakistan and having it rightfully accused of harboring him, as well as the San Bernardino terrorists and the London bombers being Pakistani meanwhile Italians like Ariana Grande, Madonna, De Niro, Lady Gaga were being praised by America.
Seeing Italy, France, Spain, etc. having the biggest tourism in the world while Pakistan rarely gets any tourists. A true slap in the face as people see it as merely a hellhole on the other side of the world who no one would like to experience and visit: it merely exists. Meanwhile what a compliment that people use their personal/leisure time to visit countries like Italy and France to indulge in their beauty, history, and culture.
How I’ve wished I could’ve been born being a better nationality that is celebrated instead of looked down upon. How I wish I didn’t have to carry the arduous burden of being a Pakistani my entire life.
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self.offmychest
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I feel like I'm the biggest idiot on campus [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I don’t understand and I can’t explain I am a 21 year old male. Suicide crosses my mind when I wake up and when I go to sleep.
I hung a noose in my closet a couple weeks ago. Every night I glance at it and wonder if I should just get it over with.
I know I’m never going to get better. And I know that I’ll never be able to cope with my depression, so why try?
I’ve tried to integrate with society like a normal person and I always feel like some sort of alien. I’ve abandoned every friend I’ve had from every school I’ve ever been moved to.
And I don’t even care anymore. Or maybe I do? I’m not sure at this point.
But why should I try? What’s the point of life anyway? I’ve never had anything going for me. I’ve always had bad grades. I dropped out of high school in my junior year. I’ve got no aspirations, no talents, no skills.
I’m the product of a rape. When I was born my uncle told my mom that I’d never amount to anything and maybe he’s right. My dad left me on my 5th birthday and died when I was 15. I’ll never know why he left or why he tried to kill me before I was born. Or why he put my mom through so much horrible shit.
She’s the only one I talk to about this kind of thing. I don’t want her to worry anymore. I don’t want to call her again at 4am crying because I had another mental breakdown.
I think I’m going to stop this never ending cycle. My mom and brothers will mourn for me but they’ll move on. I was never one of them anyway.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm talking to my psych tomorrow about cutting back my meds Kinda nervous. I've been on mostly the same meds for ~2.5 years now. With stress management, they've kept me relatively happy, sane, and functional. It's been great pulling my life back together. But, I still feel brain fog, flatness, nausea, low sex drive, etc.
My psych has been asking me for a while now if I want to cut down. I don't think I'll ever feel like it's the *perfect* time to pull back. But now feels the closest it can be. Idk, we'll see. :/
Just venting, thanks.
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self.bipolar
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I'm so behind in all my school work because of my stupidity and I'm so stressed. I haven't been able to sleep because I'm so stressed. I had a reading break and I'm still behind because I spent two days working on a lab that's 1% of my final grade when I should have been working on my essay that's worth 25%. I'm so bad at this time management thing, it's crazy. I don't even realize that I'm wasting time until after the fact.
This is my second degree and I'm already oh, so tired. I'm tired of everything and I just want to sleep. I'm angry at myself for putting myself in this situation and I hate myself. My chest hurts and I'm so stressed, I can't sleep. I want a reset on this semester, but obviously I can't do that.
I'm sorry for being so whiny and I get that I'm privileged for even getting a second degree but I just feel so stupid about the decisions that I make.
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self.offmychest
|
Does anyone else wonder what type a life you would live if you weren't so anxious?
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self.Anxiety
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Im not sure what disorder i have, looking for help First of all I know everyone deals with anxiety and not everyone has a disorder. However I would not be making this post if I did not think I actually had a condition.
I've never been diagnosed and hope my anxiety is not so severe that I need medication. What I expierience is a constant worry about any sort of thing at the drop of a hat.
What really made me start to think I had a disorder was that I was s
Drinking with my friend on New year's and got pretty drunk. The next day my friend didn't text me back and I had convinced myself that I had said something to him and his girlfriend to cause them to fight and break up. I've never had a issue like this before but it was the only thing I can think of for two days until I saw my friend. Of course nothing was wrong at all and it was just something I had convinced myself of.
Even that I didn't think was a issue but earlier my neighbor rear ended my girlfriend's car when we were coming home from dinner. There was no serious damage but some paint scratched. I told him I'd figure something out and will probably just ask for a couple hundred bucks for repair.
But I am laying down wide awake and freaking out about it. I can't sleep, again it's not the biggest deal in the world but I cannot stop thinking about it and the anxiety won't even let me close my eyes. I:m thinking of the worst possible situations that make no sense and I can't stop.
I don't want these issues to grow I don't want to always have to be scared of the next thing to give me anxiety. Is there anything I can do to control it without a professional or medications?
Thanks for any help at all
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self.Anxiety
|
I don’t think I’d feel guilty about it... ...if I just decided to leave, though I’d make sure it’s somebody I don’t know likely to find me if I ended it violently. Otherwise I’d end it peacefully if the opportunity presented itself. I always found it interesting that, for alot of people, the only thing stopping them is being found. I always perceived the immediate feeling of relief from any form of hardship as more rewarding than any point after. Like i grow complacent again and take everything for granted and it hits that much harder when you reach a low point again. And again. And again. Alot of people just try to live one day at a time but when I’m waiting for the day to be over and it feels many times longer, as a result i feel many times older. I don’t wanna worry about anything anymore. I want an easy out and I don’t wanna —and don’t necessarily have to care — about who would find me.I can think of nothing better than enjoying my last moments, aware that I am about to lose the capacity to worry about anything ever again, passing with a smile on. It’d ironically be one of the most sincere smiles of my life. If there is an afterlife, and I have to strive towards a new peace instead of just getting one, at least we all get a second chance and a clean slate. If not, I think anyone thinking about killing themselves should do it on a peaceful day for them. I think it’s important to leave an imprint of your last memory being a happy one— if their is no continued form of consciousness, there is no concept of past and future, and if you can die content with that belief, that last moment of knowing freedom of misery, hardship, numbness, self-loathing, whatever cause of suicide you subscribe to, can last in some form of forever in the sense that nothing before or after matters anymore and you’re free. If that’s too selfish for anyone to comprehend, they’d probably want me out of the gene pool anyway.
I’m not immediately planning on doing it. Not today, not tomorrow, not in my bed or out in the woods or at my parents house, but if I do at least I’ll have something to tell myself to convince me not to botch it. *Then* I’d have to live with the guilt and it’d probably make future attempts harder.
Just wanted to empty my head and help my soul rest a little if not for a final time.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm a disappointment. And I know it.
I'm back to feeling like I should end it again, and i'm almost happy about it. It's not true happiness, of course. It's like, remembering someone you used to spend time with.
I feel like i'm in a haze all the time. My girlfriend is upset that I don't seem to retain the information she tells me, but I just don't think she understands. I can't remember anything, I can't enjoy anything, I can't feel anything. I feel like i'm just defective. I'm not working as people were intended to, or something.
I even told her this morning that I know i've disappointed her and i've just been going through a lot. She responds with "Yeah, you have been disappointing."
She's right. I had potential, but I just let everyone down.
This is the first time i've thought about ending it in so long, I don't know why I missed it, but I think I did. I was doing so well.
I don't know, i'm sure even this fucking post is a disappointment.
Thanks for reading, hope everyone is doing better than me.
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self.depression
|
I am pathetic and sad af for stupid reason and life in general isn't helping [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I just don’t care And it makes me seem like a horrible person.
We just got word today that my fiancé’s grandfather had cancer. Pancreatic this time. He previously had prostate cancer, but that was caught in the very early stages.
His grandfather has been estranged from everyone for almost 10 years. Almost the entire time we have been together. He recently made amends with everyone, and has been spending a lot of time with the family, to make up for lost time. Recently he has been having severe stomach pains, and weight loss. Many tests and doctors visits later, this diagnosis. He is in his 80’s, and just isn’t understanding that the drs can’t just remove it this time.
Now, we will be making room for him to come live with us. We live with my fiancé’s parents, so there are plenty of us here to take care of him. And we are thinking that he may not have much more than a year with us, at best. Drs will be testing this week to see how far it has spread.
Everyone here is taking the news hard, so I feel selfish for not feeling much. That’s what I’m sitting here beating myself up over. That I just don’t care as much as everyone else does. I don’t feel like I will be missing out on having a relationship with him, but I am sad for my fiancé. He has been so happy having his grandfather back in his life.
Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this. Sorry to bore you, just needed to get it all off my chest and tell someone somewhere. I don’t have any close friends to vent to.
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self.offmychest
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What to do now? According to my Mom, I've always been bipolar. She said I would have periods where I'd be more irritable and agitated and periods where I'd sleep a lot and be apathetic. I wasn't fully aware of these changes, but it all came to a place where I couldn't function. I would be enraged, crying, or both over the smallest thing. I felt an incredible amount of energy that I had to let out through excessive masturbation and agitation. I couldn't hold a thought for long. And I had a diagnosis of OCD, that got worse when it seemed to be improving before. My sleep was disturbed, but with the little sleep I did get, I woke up feeling anxious. I was referred to a psychiatrist for an urgent appointment and diagnosed with bipolar disorder.
I didn't believe the diagnosis. I wasn't fully aware of the mania, only of the OCD. But I took the meds anyway. The meds were a dud at first, but they helped later. It seemed like paliperidone (later changed to risperidone, which is basically the same thing) helped. I still was in denial, but I was improving. But while the mania went away, I got depressed. I started obsessing over things I will explain later. I would be constantly complaining. I was trapped in my worst fears, seeing as I was trapped in mental hell (OCD) that made me feel like a piece of shit. I got out of that hell, but the scars remained.
Then it all went to shit when my Dad died. It was like all of my worst fears came true (it's complicated), and I started to have OCD symptoms again. I started to obsess that I could fall asleep at any moment. I also got really depressed, like nothing could ever get better, and that everything in my life was proof I was a shitty person. I even got "agoraphobic" (for a lack of a better word), because even though I loved going outside, doing so made me feel really uncomfortable and anxious. Although, I was on methylphenidate at the time, so that could've been the cause (not the depression). Also, nostalgia, which used to be a friend, became this uncomfortable reminder of the life I used to have and wasn't currently having.
But I still haven't fixed my problems. I am less depressed, but when it does hit, it hits hard. I realize that I am still autistic. I still am a burden on my family (my Mom is spending a lot of time to get into a special school [probably homeschool] because I am too disabled to be in public school). All of my autistic friends seem to be able to suppress their autistic traits to a degree I have tried but have never been able to. On the outside, I promote autism acceptance, but on the inside, I hate myself for my autism. I also came to terms with certain feelings and admitted to my family I was transgender. But that is also burdensome. They have to change their entire way of language referring to me just because I can't stop wanting to be a woman. So, while I am less depressed, when it does hit me, I just want to blow my brains out. I fantasize about doing drugs, because I feel like they will distract me to not care about anything else.
I am on medication for my manic symptoms (Risperdal), but taking nothing for depression or OCD and I am not currently in therapy. We moved states and we won't get insurance until September 1st. What should I do?
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self.bipolar
|
Feeling super strange, don't know what to do Hello :) So I don't really know where to address it. Usually I have depressions and maybe it has something to do with it. I really need some advice, I feel like exploding :'D
The last week I was kinda happy. It felt a bit forced because I was super focused on keeping my mood up. And now, suddenly I feel like (not physically) someone is holding my shoulders, shaking me and screaming. What the fuck. So I repeat I dont hear voices and I dont feel hands on my shoulders. Its a feeling in my soul or something like that. And it feels so urgent, it feels like I need to do something against it RIGHT NOW. I don't know what to do. It feels so bad because it want to force me doing something but I have no Idea what.
Hope you can help. And sorry if this was the wrong subreddit.
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self.depression
|
I feel like i have been cursed and im just so depressed right now after a major life change. I am 12 years old and feel like i just have no reason to live anymore, ive left all my friends moved to a new school and all my family is going through some very major things. My mom is suffering from cancer and all this happened in 1 second it all started happening when my dad lost his job. 1 day later i found out that my mom has cancer. and i just dont feel like living, i have no friends please help me.
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self.depression
|
I don't think it's going to work Hey. So being with you in our casual, dating, not quite there relationship has been pretty great. You really are a nice guy, no matter what you think. You seriously have put me first when needed which I never really had in previous relationships. I like that, it's nice to actually be shown that I'm wanted. To basically be treated the same how I treat you/have done the same for others. However, like most of my previous relationships I've also had to support you with your issues. Like I said, I don't mind. Didn't mind. It's getting to a point where I can't balance the anxiety I get from worrying about you with dealing with my own shit. It's not your fault- after my own health scares as well as having to deal with similar things in my past, I no longer have the same kind of patience that was wasted on those who didn't really deserve it, unlike you. I'm sorry I can't do it anymore. I wish I had met you sooner so I could've supported you with the same amount of energy I used to have but I need to focus that energy on myself. And I know you understand. Which is why this makes it all the harder.
My answer is still no to being your girlfriend. And I don't think it will change, I'm sorry. I don't see this working out and I don't want the either of us to be badly hurt at the end.
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self.offmychest
|
Circles & Vertigo Waking up makes me want to cry but I can't because I need to pull myself together to go to work, my family can't see me cry because they do not believe in mental illness and get mad at me for not being okay so I play along to the meaning of my name Abigail - fountain of joy, they refuse to believe I am anything but okay. I have a couple friends but I feel deeply in my heart that they do not know who I am even after the seemingly deep connections we have made. The person I love the most, my only reason to smile most days can never love me back but it's okay because he needs to be happy and all I want is for him to be free. But none of these friends live near me, everyone is far away but being close wouldn't fix my problems. The best of days is still shadowed by depression, anxiety, violent suicidal thoughts and compulsions, I hate my body, my face my mind for how sick it is. I've been here before many times. Got so high and saw the silver lining but I'm beginning to think that life at its core is not for me. This all sounds dramatic and whiny, obviously I have so much to be thankful for but I am so sick. Life is just circles. Loving with my whole heart and being rejected on every side and every level. Self harm isn't enough nothing is enough I hurt so deeply in my soul. I want to go home but I do not have one. Someone else deserves this life not me I cannot appreciate it here, life is a restless sleep full of night terrors. I don't know what is real everything spins all the time.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
"Motivational" videos.... sorry for the rant but for fucks sake every time i see some sort of "don't kill yourself" or "if you think you are depressed watch this" video it's just the same fucking thing, like "THERE ARE PEOPLE THAT HAVE IT A LOT WORSE THAN YOU" or "JUST MAKE YOURSELF DO THINGS, LOOK AT ALL THESE PEOPLE THAT ARE DOING THINGS" but they don't understand that the reason some people want to kill themselves is because they think they're unappreciative of all their opportunities in life and think they are pieces of shit because of it or literally can't find the energy to motivate themselves or can't find the passion they used to have in things and don't fucking realize that by saying shit like this to people who actually have depression and go through thinking like that actually MAKES THEM FEEL FUCKING WORSE and they just go on and on about 'oh shit i was feeling down one day out of my happy ass successful amazing week where I had lots of energy to do things and had real fun going out with friends and had friends to go out with, and i looked at obama say go find a job and i found a job, depressed people must be experiencing the same thing lol you guys arent really depressed hahahaha clinical depression isn't real hahahahahahaha' HOW CAN YOU NOT FUCKING UNDERSTAND THAT THERE ARE PEOPLE WHO WILL FEEL FUCKING WORSE ABOUT THEMSELVES AFTER WATCHING THIS. and there's the whole thing about people, including really influential public figures downplaying mental illness like "GUYS IT DOESNT EXIST YOU JUST NEED TO *motivate* YOURSELVES LOL MENTAL ILLNESS ISN'T REALLY A PROBLEM LOL" and it just makes me so fucking pissed and makes me feel so bad about people going through shit and having to experience stuff like that after genuinely looking for help.
sorry for making this so long, I watched a video like this and just got really angry
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self.depression
|
I wish I could stop waking up Every day starts with a feeling of dissapointment, because the dream world wasn't real, because I remember what my life's like, because I didn't die peacefully in my sleep.
I cannot fathom what it would be like to wake up and be happy to be alive.
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self.depression
|
Partner is ridiculously affected by my moods and his inability to "fix" me? (x-post /r/bipolar) [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Day 6 - Celexa to Lexapro * No morning vomit! Let's hope this continues.
* Still waking up to cold sweats
* I think once I go up to 15mg it'll really start to help.
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self.Anxiety
|
Unconditional love "I love you unconditionally" people say that all the time but I don't think they know what that means because after saying that,they ask to be loved back as much,they ask for marriage,they ask for sex.they ask the other person to stay with them forever...but for me I love her unconditionally and I know exactly what that means..I'm not gonna even ask her out..I just like how she looks,how she acts,how she speaks..how she walks..I love everything about her and I just wish her a life time of happiness.. That's it...no conditions.
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self.offmychest
|
A piece of a discussion I heard today Today I was waiting for my class to start. I was just standing there. There was a sofa roughly 10 meters away from me and there was (what I assume) a couple sitting on it. The boy said: "I'm so tired. Can I use you as a pillow?" The girl agreed and they were just sitting there and leaning on each other until the class started.
Fuck. I can feel myself falling down again. For the past three weeks things had started to look better: I finally started visiting a therapist, got some piano-playing motivation back, not a single suicidal/self-harming thought etc.
Few days ago it all just started to crumble again.
The feeling of hopelessness and loneliness the feeling that I have no skills and that I am worthless. The feeling that I have no place nor no future in this society. I can feel these thoughts washing over and drowning me like a tidal wave that I cannot dodge.
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self.depression
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The reason I can't stop Sometimes I remember that this happy facade I put up for everyone else is fake. I convince myself that I'm doing it for them, because it would make them sad to know how often I think about ending it all. However, I know that its really for me. I know that the real reason I do it is because I can't face it. That endless abyss that feels like thousands of chains piercing my heart pulling me down with each step making me question why I continue to fight it. At least when I'm faking the happiness for a little while I can believe it's real. I've began to wonder if this is why I cant sustain relationships or even begin them anymore. Is there some sort of intuition people have that tells them how broken I am on the inside and warns them to stay away? The more I think about it the deeper the abyss feels. I've always known about my struggle with depression, even as I push it away with a smile and a joke. Like my shadow it clings to me rearing its ugly head at every moment my mind wanders. It sucks me in, suffocating, weighing down my chest with short breaths. People often ask how I'm able to have such a hectic schedule, why I'm constantly filling my days with things to do. I tell them its because I'm working hard for my future. In a sense that's true, but even that is smoke and mirrors. The truth is I cant allow myself time to stop and think. I have to keep my mind occupied or else the depression will sink its teeth into me like a bloodthirsty shark tearing apart my will to live. I feel like a hamster running on treadmill that suspended above an abyss. The second I stop running, falling no longer having the will to rise back out. My previous suicide attempts fresh in my mind wondering if I made the right decision putting the knife away or unwrapping the belt from my neck. The thought of the blood running down the drain and an all enveloping darkness is almost comforting. Would I still be suffering this agony if I just had the courage back then? By now my family and friends would have moved on. Would there lives be better now? I've always thought that when I find someone to love who loves me back that these chains weighing me down would be broken, freeing my mind from teetering on the edge of this precipice. I'm not so sure anymore. It seems I'm too broken. Who would want to love someone whose soul is like a shattered mirror, even if you put the pieces back together it would on reflect a fractured world. A fractured soul constantly running in an effort to escape an abyss that feels never ending. So futile.
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self.depression
|
Shout-out to all fellow Anxiety sufferers.. ..white knuckling through family Thanksgiving dinners today.
You got this.
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self.Anxiety
|
Maybe there's nothing wrong with me I do all the wrong things- I don't leave my comfort zone and stay in my house, I don't talk to friends, so I've isolated myself, I stay in bed and browse reddit all day...
And then I can feel happy, but there's always an underlying nervousness beneath it all.
I can't stop analysing myself. I think I have depression and then I don't. If I was worrying about cats or whatever so intensely then I could analyse the situation for what it is, which would be that I worry too much or whatnot. But I'm worrying about if I actually worry, or I get depressed at whether or not I'm actually depressed. It's such a bloody mindfuck, I just want peace of mind and to feel sure about something for once in my life.
Its self sabotage. I doit to myself. I'm the reason I am this way, but for the life of me I can't muster back up the courage to change anymore. I've tried it.
I'm being put in touch with someone that will screen me for depression. I think an accurate psychiatrist would say I'm fine, which is petrifying because that means this is the way I'm supposed to be, and the thought makes me think there's no point in living.
I Hate having this feeling in my gut all the time. I just want to be happy.
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self.depression
|
I’m scared of myself, and that makes this worse I’m afraid of my own depression. I️ don’t think I️ am suicidal because I️ am afraid of death as I️ am an atheist and personally think once you die that is I️t, done-zo. On that note, I️ think my depression is making me more prone to considering really risky thoughts i have followed thru on a few and tho they scare me.... I️ feel free in those moments) i am afraid to reach out because i live in America.... I’m not sure what health programs are like in other countries but in America if you say anything deemed as negative they put you on a lock down and put health system is worse than being alone in a garbage can. I️ wouldn’t get help I️ would get imprisoned. So.... how do I️ go about the first steps of helping myself when I️ am actually at this edge... without someone taking my freedom?
Edit:stupid spelling
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self.depression
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Writing a paper on depression and it's making me want to kill myself [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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So, I just had a vasectomy! Take that future manic me; the consequences of poor sexual behavior will be greatly limited henceforth and in perpetuity. Now, time for some ibuprofen.
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self.bipolar
|
Anyone hear about that 19000 lb space station projected to uncontrollably fall to Earth? I hope it spares innocent souls when it lands right on top of me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Is it normal to feel just generally down at all time? I feel like I can be happy, live a normal life, go to the gym, school and meet friends but I'm just sad at the end of the day. It's wierd because I've had depression and anxiety BAD in the past but depression was more of not really feeling anything and because of it not doing/wanting anything but crying, eating. Anxiety was just pain. Like legit feeling on fire at its worse. But now? It's alright, I can get up and be seemingly normal, and feel normal, but whenever anything happens, either for a minute just sitting down or going to bed, I just feel sad. Like when I was a kid and my toys broke. Just really sad. I'm not sure if this is ever gonna end, I feel like I've felt like this for so long and maybe it's just completely normal, human nature. And that's what people mean when they say that life is hard. Is this what everyone feels?
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self.offmychest
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I just want to ignore all my responsibilities and anxieties and go home to my parents and break down and be cared for...
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self.Anxiety
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No rumination allowed, move on, get over it. Because living in America means it's frowned upon to actually look back and see where it all went wrong. Awesome culture we live in, real good for depression.
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self.depression
|
I think I'm too far gone to ever live normally, medicine and therapy hasn't helped. Is there anything else? Every day of my life is just agony. Physical and emotional agony. I always feel like I'm suffocating, I always want to throw up, my back and neck are fucked up from an accident and none of my family cares. I've got several diagnosed mental illnesses, one of which is misophonia which if you don't know about, if I hear a sound I don't like?? Will literally start hitting myself and bawling and swearing and scratching my skin off like an idiot. I feel so stupid...I was going to be a scientist but I can't imagine being able to do anything anymore. I used to have so many things I loved to do and I can't do ANYTHING anymore, I haven't gone to work in ages, stopped doing freelance art, learned one song on guitar for the past few months, I don't eat, I just sleep and my parents hate me for being so useless. I'm going to be 18 in a few months and I can't do this. I just cry every day and wish I could've been a better person and wait until something kills me in my sleep. I can't fit my entire backstory on here but I'll say life has thrown everything at me from other friends having killed themselves to being sexually assaulted when I was little to my mom physically hurting me and screaming at me and making me into a crybaby while my dad just gets high in the other room and never talks about it. Nobody at my house cares enough to find me help for ANY of these things plus the dozens and dozens of other things having fucked up my head in the past.
I've seen stories of people who mention a family member that struggled their entire life for decades before finally killing themselves because everything hurt so bad and I can't help but feel like that's going to be me. I don't want to suffer and suffer and suffer but medicine hasn't worked, I've changed therapists four times and all of them are equally useless. What is there left to do??? I don't want to suffer anymore but the only option I can think of is just finally dying.
I'm looking for something that worked for you or worked for a friend or just...worked for someone that wasn't therapy and medicine. I'm out of options here. Every single day for so long has felt like the end of my rope.
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self.SuicideWatch
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New here! I'm never going to be able to get a job outside of my home. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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the day has come where theres no return I never knew what to be when I grew up, everyone had their dreams to become lawyers, police officers, doctors etc, not me, all I ever wanted was to have something of my own, work for my self and be able to live my life on my terms. God gave me that oppertunity but I threw it away because of greed.
It all started six years ago, just about a year after I had finnished high school. I had a hard time finding a job which was normal for a newly graduated high school kid without connections, my family also had a summer house that we always went to during the summer so I never really had the oppertunity to get any job experience prior to this that would certainly have helped my resume. All my close friends started their lifes, most of them got decent jobs through their parents etc. It got me really isolated just sitting at home doing pretty much nothing and it got me really stressed out knowing I was the only one of my friends not doing any progress in life.
After a while I started to get depressed and the pressure from both family and friends to find something to do just kept building up as I had no clue whatsoever about what I wanted to do with my life. Things got pretty bad but then one night everything changed.
Growing up, I used to spend all my free-time playing "competetive" video games, world of warcraft arenas, counter-strike and league of legends to name a few. I was good too. One day as I was browsing the internet, I stumbled upon something interesting. I had just started doing some sports betting, mostly for fun to make matches more interesting. Besides playing video games, two other big hobbys of mine are soccer and basketball, hence why I got into sports betting. Anyways, one day when I was browsing the site where I used to place my bets, I noticed that they had introduced Esports and I saw a lot of counter-strike matches popping up in the live section which of course got me interested...
I started observing the odds and how they moved from round to round, it was safe to say that the bookie who was in charge had no clue what he was doing. After one weekened, I turned $10 into $30 000 and then I got limited (banned from the site for wining). This was surreal to me, I had never had more than $300 in my bank account before. All the anxiety I had felt disapeard in an instant and when I on christmas eve told my family about it, god damn, it was the best feeling I ever had.
Now the question was, what do I do with the money? Do I just save it and maybe use it as a downpayment for an apartment or do I pursue my "dream" of having a life where I'm my own boss. I started reading about the stock market, like I did some serious research, pretty much 14 hrs a day for 2 months just reading about stocks etc. Once I finally decided to enter the market I started off well. Profited about $5 000 on my first buy/sell. But I then learned something, it doesn't matter how much you read, in the end its experiences that matters. In the upcoming 6 months I lost 90% of the $35 000 and I started to experience a depression like no other but as I didn't wanna tell my family about it, I still had to live every day like I was fine and oh man was it draining. Whenever my parents were working I just lay in bed all day and couldn't move. When they were home I got up and pretented to be normal. I wasn't suicidal at the time, just kind of paralyzed by the lack of motivation.
After a couple months I noticed that another big counter-strike tournament was about to start, at this time Esport was still very small and it was maybe a big tournament with broadcasted matches every 4-6 months, today it's pretty much different leagues going on every day and big tournaments every other week. Anyways, I decided to make a new gambling account in my moms name so I could try my luck again. This time I started with $200 and made close to $50 000 in a weeks time. I got limited every day but kept making new accounts in my dads and siblings names so I managed to last the entire tournament. And again, just like last time, all the anxiety disapeard and this is where I started to kind of believe that god actually exists and that he may had heard my prayers as I got another chance to pursure my dream.
During the 6 months where I lost all the money that I had previously won, I learned a lot and found a strategy that was pretty much bullet proof. I once again entered the stock market and found immediate success. I made about $30k my first year as a fulltime "trader" and as I still lived at home without any expenses this was all money that kept going into my bankroll.
After a couple years I had a net worth of about $350 000 and that's where greed took over. It was about a year ago now, all my friends had moved out from their parents home and seriously started their lifes, I might have been the richest one moneywise but I had nothing else and I still lived at home with my parents. I really wanted to move out and also start a life of my own, I knew I could keep making good money and maybe eventually start a business.
So, why didn't I? Problem was that in the banks eyes I was still worth nothing as I had no income tax in my register which means I couldn't take a loan so I would have to pay it all at ones and the apartments I was looking at were about $250 000 which would hurt my bankroll a lot and I wouldn't feel comfortable having a place of my own, paying for everything etc with a $100 000 bankroll as it's not much of a safety net if things went bad. I got greedy and decided that I really wanted to get a place within the next 3 months and to do so I needed to take bigger risks.
I bought shares in some mining company and waited 2 months but the news I was waiting for just kept getin delayed so I decided to sell and invest in a medical company who was about to recieve big news. About a week after I had made a big investment the news finally came, unfortnately they were bad, like real bad. The CEO of the company had been lying to everyone and the stock dropped 90% in an instant. Meanwhile, the mining company I had invested in, went from $0.03 - $0.2. I got extremely tilted and just kept making dumb decision after dumb decision. After a few months I only had about $60 000 left. I withrew it from my bank and put it into the gambling site and I saw nothing but black. I could bet $2.500 on some soccer game where I had never heard of any of the two teams and I just kept doing it till I was at 0.
and while you're reading this you might be like, so what, you're still in your early 20's, having no money is no reason to kill your self. I left out that during my trading time, I used to lend money from my mom to do normal stuff and I always paid her back etc it was nothing special but right before my greediness took over I took a considerable loan from her to fund an investment outside of the stockmarket, it was about $40 000. I didn't even have this in mind when I threw away my last $60 000, that's how deep down I was.
No one knew about any of this. I now started to ask friends and family for loans to try and make at least $40 000 so I could pay my mom back. Unfortunately I just kept losing, sometimes I would win a lot but once I was very close to making it I lost it all, every time. The loans from family and friends just kept piling up and now my total debt was: mom: $40k, sister $6k, friend1 $9k, friend2 $5k and friend3 $2k, total of: $62k.
At this point it was bad, like suicidal thoughts bad and this is gonna sound real crazy but its 100% true. I went to a bridge near my home and had a serious break down in the middle of the night, I started screaming at god (cus desperate? lol idk). I went up the railing and ready to jump but I actually fell off because of the wind and suddenly the urge I had felt to kill my self was compeltely gone. I kinda just landed and felt nothing for a couple minutes, then went home, took my last $20 and somehow a few hrs later turned it into $3k, $3k then turned into $10k a day later and $35k a couple days later after that. I had no explanation as to what happened, keep in mind that these bets were not on something I had an edge on, it was on random games where I baerly knew the teams - pure luck. I thought to my self, well, it's time to stop, I might not be able to cover the whole debt but I can pay back my friends and sister and some of my mom and then find a job and pay her back within a year. I started making a deposit and after 24 hrs I got a message saying I needed to provide some bank statements to prove that I'm playing on my own account. Unfortunately as I have already told you, I was limited on my own account so I made new ones in friends and families. Usually I would deposit money into the account from the person who's personal information I had used, but not this time, I made the deposit with my own bank account and I think they already knew that when they asked for the information. Basically, I wasn't able to withdraw the money. Up untill this point I had seriously thought it was gods doing, from the falling off the bridge to suddenly turning $20 into $35k in a few days with pure luck, but then this happened and it instead felt like he was toying with me.
The suicidal thoughts came back but decided to tell my mom about everything. I finally came clean and it felt insanely good, she then decided to pay off my debts to my sister and friends and take the entire debt on her self. She then sent me about $20k to pay off all my friends but what do you think I did with the money? I sure as hell didn't pay off any debts. I started gambling again, I can't even explain why. I came clean for god sake, I got a 2nd chance but once again gambled it away and not only that, to try and recover, I took even more loans from friends. Now my total debt is something like this: Mom $62k, sister $4k, friend1 $14k, friend2 $9k, friend3 $5k, friend4 $2k, friend5 $1k total of: $97k.
There's no way out now, my mom was destroyed already after the first time I had told her and just telling her I came clean only to abuse her (ofc it wasnt my intention but it happened regardless) even more will end her and the shame I feel towards her and my friends is already killing me inside, there's no way out of this now. Not only did I fuck my own life up, I fucked my moms life up by basically stealing $60k from her not to mention my two friends that I owe $14k and $9k.
I love my family and friends like no other, I would on any given day take a bullet for them so guys, stay away from gambling. Even if you win, it might come a day where you get depressed or something and trust me, you do not wanna be associated with gambling in any way when you're not at 100 % mentally, it might end you like it did with me and many others before me.
I regret a lof of things, wondering what will happen to my mom and not beeing able to watch my two year old nephew grow up is the hardest part but the shame is simply to much. Good luck everyone.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How do i help my grand parents when im sick too Lately more so then ever my mental health has taken a massive turn for the dumps i feel like im going competely insane my mother couldn't handle me staying up all night not doing anything so she kicked me out and my grand parents graciously took me in and i feel like im more of a burden towards them more then anything i just never have the energy to do anything and i see its taking a toll on them of me being here putting there finicals out of whack spending extra on food etc, and it pisses me off i pay a bit of rent as much as i can but it doesn't feel like enough
worst of all theres this voice always ticking in the back of my head waiting to spring up and tell me theres something wrong with me or something is going amiss im only in the early stages of getting treated for mental illness'
but what i honestly battle with the worst is i have lost the complete ability to do some of the most basic math i cant even subtract 40 weeks from a birth date every other time i get a different answer and i feel like a complete oaf...
My grand parents sometime speak to me like i have some sort of disability which plays on my mind as well im only 21 and dont really have much going for me at the moment and im sort of at rock bottom and crashing i just want to get this off my chest i feel like a piece of shit i cant the ones who look after me and i hate how stupid at trivial things i am
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self.offmychest
|
High-functioning in need of help. I recently moved to a new city for a job. Over the last 4-5 months, Ive assimilated, gotten in and out of a relationship, and I’m beginning to flatline. I’ve always dealt with confidence and esteem issues, but I’m at my wits end. My days are monotonous and I feel very lonely. Any inkling of energy to put myself out there is gone. I stopped going to the gym, I don’t care about what I eat, and I had one night where I drank way too much and regretted it. I don’t know what to do. I don’t like feeling this way. I’ve battled with bad thoughts and have called hotlines.
What do I do?
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self.depression
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I'm Tired of This Endless Cycle Between Hope and Despair [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I’m 16 and for 5 years I’ve tried and wanted to kill myself but I’m just to scared to go through with it I’m scared of the pain [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I just want it to stop. I'm a 28 year old gay guy with no job. The only thing that keeps me here is my family and my online gaming friends. I wish I was straight and that I was someone else. I feel like I dont fit in and that everyone in my life would be better off without me. I just feel so lonely and depressed. I have no active plans to end it, but I just want it to stop. I wish I was never born in the first place
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self.SuicideWatch
|
There’s a chance I won’t be able to graduate high school because I’m too stupid to pass math. I feel like shit not being able to do what millions of other people can. I don’t feel like my life is finished but I want it to be over.
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self.depression
|
Does anyone else have a "list of passable excuses" For example, you agree to go somewhere with friends. Then when that day comes, depression hits and you feel too crippled to even get out of bed so you use a passable excuse just so you don't have to explain your depression to them because you think they won't understand.
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self.depression
|
Burning/Sweating when there is no background noise? I'm 99% sure this problem is caused by anxiety but I may as well post here to try to figure out a solution, if there is an easy one in this case.
Whenever a room goes silent or even right now, when I paused my music, my body instantly starts feeling like it is 80°f in the room, my heart rate jumps, =I start sweating profusely, veins become more visible, etc.
The same thing happens every day when I wake up, even if it's natural and not by alarm. Heart rate spikes, I start sweating profusely, veins become much more visible, etc.
I saw a bunch of other posts around anxiety and silence, but the key difference is that there is nothing on my conscious mind and there is no "stress" about anything.
When the noise starts again, it takes 1-2 mins for it to go back to normal. Hands/fingers start tingling when it goes back to normal which is odd.
Any idea what this is referred to? I don't really think it's a panic attack, per say. Any ideas how to stop it from happening? It's manageable at home, but not in social settings such as school.
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self.Anxiety
|
Question about conquering fears.. I know this is going to sound ridiculous because everything is situational and everything effects people differently, but I just wanted to use you guys as a sounding board for a theory I've had that I've wanted to test, and I wanted to get your take on it before hand. I am diagnosed with generalized anxiety and it controls majority of my life. I avoid a ton of opportunities solely based on the anxiety that is induced by thinking about stepping out of my comfort zone. Lately I've been thinking "what if I just do it anyway? What if even though I'm anxious I just push through and do it regardless." Part of me thinks it would help me conquer my anxiety, but part of me also wonders if it'd have the potential to make it worse. What are your thoughts.?
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self.Anxiety
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Mom going through mania again. My sister and I want out. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Family time is bad for my depression The holidays mean tons of family time! Unfortunately, I don't enjoy family time. My family isn't, terrible and abusive, but they also aren't enjoyable to be around. I'm not out to most of them and I feel uncomfortable being around them. They're very conservative and I'm very progressive and my political views mean a lot to me. I personally wouldn't go home for thanksgiving if it wasn't for the fact I promised my mom that I'd take my little brother around for thanksgiving. He's not old enough to drive and won't be able to see family on thanksgiving if I didn't give him a ride. I don't want to steal family time from him. I'd rather be alone during the holidays.
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self.depression
|
I just stopped caring I'm always frustrated and stressed out at work.
No matter how hard I try or how many times I check my work I always make a mistake.
And when I make a mistake my boss flips out.
On more than one occasion he has sat me down and gone over my construction documents page by page and asked me why I made each mistake.
One time he got so angry he literally huffed in my face with a closed fist trying to intimidate me.
I love what I do.
I love my job.
But my boss tears me apart every time I submit anything for his review.
I know I'm not perfect but I'm doing the best I can.
I'm not the only one making mistakes and I'm not the only one he does this to.
I just want to tell him that what he's doing isn't right or professional and only discourages me without getting fired for speaking up for myself.
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self.offmychest
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Prozac? Zoloft made me go batshit manic crazy this time last year. Now we're trying Prozac and I'm understandably nervous. My pdoc swears people can have totally different reactions to drugs in the same class.
Any experiences with Prozac? I'm worried all SSRIs will affect me the same. Anyone tried more than one SSRI and had different results?
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self.bipolar
|
Best friend doesn't want to be my friend anymore I am trans. He is also trans. He had been ignoring me for a week and a half. I really, really liked him for a large chunk of our friendship, and I handled it poorly. He did not like me back. He's been drifting further and further from me, and then he had a moment of silence where he did not respond to anything I said for a few weeks. I felt miserable the entire time. He comes back and basically says he can't be friends with someone anymore who has or had had a huge crush on him before.
Feel the worst I've felt in months. I say I want to die not because I want to kill myself (I don't) but I just want something to run me over without me having any input. I have nobody IRL i'm close to anymore. I don't have anything to offer anyone. I just want to lie down and never fucking wake up right now.
I'm incredibly lonely, have an emotionally abusive mother, and no redeeming qualities about me then the shitty sad songs I write. I will be surprised if I actually live until age 18. Been struggling with depression for most of my life and it hasn't gotten easier. Even after diagnosis and hospitalization for an attempt two years ago, my mom doesn't believe I have real problems. She told me she'd rather send me to boarding school then take me to therapy than deal with my "transgender and depression bullshit" and takes every opportunity to invalidate me and criticize my appearance. Ugh. If I actually go to boarding school and have no way out I actually will kill myself. The amount of hostility I received in my last school just for being a "feminine guy" was unfucking real. I had many death threats and other awful things happen to me. Now I'm in a magnet school so nobody cares but if I go to boarding school, I'll have a roommate and sleep in a dorm with a bunch of other guys. I'll have to cut my hair. I will lose every bit of soul and dignity I have left.
I feel like i have nobody I'm close to. I have a shit family and a shit self esteem and a shit body and shit personality. Why am I still fucking alive?
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self.depression
|
Once again I have ruined my relationships and hurt those I love for nothing. I need help moving on. I need someone to talk to. I cant get into detail on here. But the woman I love I cant win back. I am what I hate. I cant escape pain. I am pain. I am what I hate.
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self.bipolar
|
I'm having a really hard time finding a full time job At this point I must have been rejected by 30 companies by now. I am getting tips from friends on my resume and what to say during an interview and I don't know if I'm making some big mistake or it's the fact that I don't have any relevant experience. I am teaching tennis in the meantime but I want to make real money and pay all my bills and move out of my parents house. I try to stay confident but after all these rejections it does start to hurt. It would help my mental health so much to work a regular, structured week.
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self.bipolar
|
It feels sad... ... to not help people.
I can't help them. They're just there, they have that crippling depression. I know that feeling, but I can't put it into words. Or any visual form.
Any advice on what to say to them? Besides going to a therapist, because that's all I can say, actually.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I've fucked up all aspects of my life and I don't know what to do [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Tired of being terrified. I've been homeless since my baby was three weeks old. He's never had somewhere to call his home, or his own room, or anything. My SO I were living with his mother when she was evicted and moved without us. We've been bouncing around since then, and I cannot take looking my son in the face anymore.
I love him more than absolutely anything, and to think that I've brought him here and can't even provide for him kills me. He's so sweet, and he's about to be 6 months old and it's so not fair to him.
I don't have any money, I've gone as far as trying to convince SO to let me be a stripper so we can at least have a for sure way of getting money, but he thinks it's an awful idea. I've even made a GoFundMeHis mother's holding our things for ransom, and I want to call the police and go get our things, but every time I suggest it, SO has another reason why we shouldn't do it yet.
I feel like I'm going to be stuck in this hell forever, and I don't want my baby to grow up like this. He's the only thing that's stopped me from completely giving up. But I don't know if I can keep doing this to him.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Failure in life is starting to take a toll [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I wish someone would just shoot me in the head while I sleep. Bleh.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Taking a psychology class with bad anxiety So my spring semester starts tomorrow for college and I have a psychology class. I have very bad anxiety and i’m afraid if I take the class it might be bad for my anxiety learning about all the crazy things about the mind and become self aware and all those kinds of things. Anyone else take a psychology class in a university and if so how is it with anxiety and stuff. Sorry if this is a dumb question.
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self.Anxiety
|
Gabapentin I get a lot of muscle twitches when I’m anxious, so it increases my anxiety a bit because I don’t want people thinking out tweaking out lol but I was wondering would Gabapentin be a good medication for this issue?
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self.Anxiety
|
First time posting. The last time I can remember being this suicidal was in high school, 5-ish years ago. Living at home was hard. I was always sure I grew up in an abusive home, fights turned physical way too often, everyone hated each other, but I felt uncomfortable labeling myself as abused when it was caused by fights I was mutually or mostly accountable for starting. My parents didn't just get mad st work and come home and beat me. How could I be abused when I'm the one that made my family this upset at me?
My brother had/has narcissistic personality disorder, I had/have depression and anxiety. Not a good mix. He was the worst of the family, and enjoyed reminding me of how much stronger he was than me.
Fast forward to my senior year of college and life has seen little to no improvement. I have no friends. Maybe one or two but I am not and never will be a priority. I have been in love with him for 2 years and today he tells me he doesn't feel the same and hasn't for s long time. I feel stupid that this is the breaking point for me. I'm a naive and dramatic girl because I let a boy determine my happiness. I do not remember life without him. I don't remember life without our dogs. The only thing holding me back is knowing my dogs will think I abandoned them and hate them if I go. I no longer enjoy simple pleasures. I no longer enjoy anything. I think constantly of death and crave an end.
My parents can't stand me. I can't stop arguing with people. I have horrible road rage. I argue with people on Facebook over politics. I do things I know make people hate me but I can't change myself. I have grown to realize that my personality is very easy to dislike and I have tried and failed many times to change it. I make people angry, I do not bring joy or happiness into anyone's life. I feel like people would be happier when I'm gone. And sure, there will be people who are upset st first, death is upsetting. But when it subsides, they will no longer have to pretend to like my personality. I won't upset people anymore. They can be happier and they will eventually understand my choice will be for the best. I just don't see s benefit for anyone of my existence.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Help plz I hadn't had much panic attacks in a while but then tonight I've been having them on and off and it's rlly bad now plz tell me how to calm downnnn
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self.Anxiety
|
Friends eliminated me from the group it doesn’t make any sense. can figure out what i may have done to trigger it, but 5 of my closest friends from high school have stopped responding to my calls or texts. i thought it was just a phone issue at first, but it is too unlikely of just coincidence. i don’t know what i did wrong, and it hurts that they are excluding me from everything.
anyone had a similar experience? i’m finding to hard to ‘get over it.’
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self.depression
|
Always Feeling alone I feel alone. The point is, I would say I have a few good friends, but I have The Feeling Nobody understands ne and Really feels me.
I cant talk to them about my suicide thoughts.
What should I do?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I would literally kill someone to be able to afford my own apartment [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I let myself slip and now I'm too unmotivated to take my medication. I'm not really sure why my depression has relapsed. Possibly just the stress of my high school senior year. But in any case, I'm worse now than I've been since my parents' divorce--the difference is that now I'm better at hiding it. I should be taking my Prozac but I just can't bring myself to do it.
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self.depression
|
I need the best way to kill my self That will actually work. I don't have access to a firearm. I'm considering driving my car at full speed into a wall, not traffic I don't want to hurt anyone else. I've thought about hanging, considering going to get rope in the morning when Home Depot opens. I sat in a bath tub with a knife and warm water , reading about failed attempts at slitting wrists , and it discouraged me from plunging the knife straight into my wrist. Not looking for any please stay bullshit, I'm passed that phase there is nothing left, just matter of fact. So if anyone knows the best way to do this, please respond.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I think my depression may be gone? Or almost? But I still do jack shit and sit at home all day doing nothing... Like I've realized that recovering from depression isn't instant. It will take a while for me to get back into the swing of things. I wish I was high functioning depressed at times because I'd at least DO stuff, but I'm not and rarely have a drive to.
I enrolled in some summer courses at a local art school to get me to do art again. I painted something I'm pretty proud of actually. Spent five hours straight doing art and painting and it helped me feel better. But the moment I get home despite having stuff written down I need and want to do (e.g. update my portfolio website, work on a cosplay that I need DONE in two weeks), I just... have no drive. I sit down and do nothing. I guess it doesn't help that my room is in the basement and I get no natural light so half the day or more I spend out back in the sun room outside relaxing. But I still do nothing.
It's SO hard to get myself to do something. I rarely find joy in things I used to. I can't play a game for more than 10 minutes. I do find drawing has been getting better at times but getting started is the hardest part because the act of doing so just gives my body this giant ache and feeling of lethargy.
Like I know the logical thing is to just DO IT. But does anyone have any advice that actually helps them get started? I have a journal and I finally got back to it to write my to-do list for the day which isn't even long but I've wasted half the day away again.
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self.depression
|
i just want to quit for once in my life [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Boyfriend of 4 years, who'd been my rock, broke up with me over text [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
Pain management for a temporary bout of illness? If I had to classify my risk of suicide on average from 1 to 10 (1 being not a thought, to 10 at a verge.) o would say 3 occasional thoughts, with the rare serious contemplation. However I got some bad food poisoning that comes with waves of pain that push me to an 8 for 5 minutes, and then drop back to a 2. Then start building back up to an 8 over the course of an hour.
I'm a bit concerned about this that in the future if I get a bad bout of illness on a bad day it will all end there. What are some good pain management.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Kind of lost New to the sub, decided to post on a throwaway.
Since the start of my second semester of college I’ve realized I feel 100x more tired and unmotivated to do anything. I don’t have suicidal thoughts or any desire to hurt myself but I can’t help from thinking about how useless I am. To be honest, I just haven’t felt happy in a long time.
I’ve taken online depression tests and have scored ‘severe’ and ‘mild’.
I’m too afraid to talk to someone about it because I don’t want to be a burden to them or have them see me differently than someone who they think is “always happy”.
So I guess I’m just kind of lost
|
self.depression
|
mini Stroke or just anxiety? hello
I'm 25yrs old, suffering from anxiety and panic attacks since 17
it has been days that I'm having problems at my work and I'm somehow angry, yesterday when i was at work, i got angry so bad and my colleague told me to calm down or you'll have a stroke
several minutes later, the right side of my neck had a minor pain, i felt somehow confused and a little unbalanced, the right side of my head was heavy, my right ear and eye were heavy too, the right side of my face had a strange feeling like numbness, the right side of my mouth and tongue were also felt numbness
from that time, i began googling for stroke symptoms and the story continues
while the yesterday symptoms continues, now i have a minor headache while both of my ears are a little heavy, i have a minor nausea
but i already had tons of different symptoms when i had panic attacks or lots of anxiety, i don't know really what to do now, I'm getting crazy
i don't know whether is this a minor stroke or its just my old friend, anxiety?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Job interview I have a job interview on Monday and I've been trying to keep my anxiety under control and not obsess too much about it, cause when I do I can easily go into a spiral. I've started to overthink little things like whether wearing my glasses or my contacts make me look more suited for the job (I know it pretty much doesn't matter, can't help it).
I've been unemployed since I graduated from college last May and though my family has been nothing but supportive, the pressure is starting to get to me with each time I do interview (that I think it went okay) and don't get the job.
I have noticed that everytime the interview itself is very short and the employer ends up talking more than me sometimes. I know that's not good but I also can't help it while it's happening cause I'm too busy thinking about every little thing that could go wrong and how dumb I'll look if I say something stupid. I just think of helpful/good things to say long after I'm already home. Not to mention how hard it is to keep eye contact while all of that is going on.
This time I'm trying for a marketing assistant position, and I think it's something I might really enjoy doing.
&nbsp;
I just thought I'd try to write the worries out of my head cause sometimes it helps, but any tips are very very welcome :)
|
self.Anxiety
|
My anxiety is my downfall and it's driving me crazy I'm just not the same anymore. As of 2nd year in medicine my thinking and learning process has mutated into something else entirely.
Recently I've been having anxiety which stems from my weak memory and forgetfulness. I'm so afraid I'll forget even the simple most easy details in medicine, which is making studying a lot more harder.
This anxiety is also triggering my depression which sucks.
It's been making sleeping harder, I'm overeating also, friends family and even people on the street are reacting to me differently.
I'm also crying a lot more which isn't something I like,
What do I do?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Don't even know if I should post So today is officially the 2 year anniversary of my sister's suicide, as well as the 1 year anniversary of my brother's suicide (he did it on her anniversary, nobody was ready for that. They were really close...)
I'm not feeling good today. I really don't know if there's a point in continuing... I don't have any friends IRL and I hate college so far (being the depressed loner that never talks to anyone).
What if they judge me for who I am? My only friend back from high school stopped talking to me because he found out I was gay, and now I'm just too scared to talk to anyone.
Like my title says, I really don't know if I should post here, it would probably be downvoted or ignored. But if anyone's out there, just give me a few reasons. My father doesn't love me, he kicked me out once I graduated high school, so he doesn't care, and I have no friends.
Talk to me SW. I've lurked this sub for a while thinking about it... and I'm fairly close.
edit: Thank you everyone for the words of encouragement, it means a lot to me, even if it doesn't look like it. I really appreciate it, and I'm gonna keep trying. <3
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Does anybody else feel unmotivated on lamictal? I've been taking Lamictal/Lamotrigine for almost 2 years after my diagnosis was switched to bipolar, and it changed my life for the better with regards to mood. However, I feel like while it's made me happier and more stable it makes me so lazy. I'd always been efficient but now I'm a procrastinator and it takes me forever to get myself to finish things. Does anyone else feel this way about Lamictal? Trying to figure out if it's the problem or I just need to suck it up.
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self.bipolar
|
There is light at the end of the tunnel [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
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