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I feel like I've reached a point of no return For the past five months I've been trying to finish 5 college classes. I had past due projects in them and was told by my professors that they would accept the late work.
In July I was told by one professor she had change her mind since I missed a deadline. I asked her to reconsider. She said she would think about it if I could provide a reason for being given such an extreme exception on top of one she had already given me. I have documentation of a mental health problem that's prevented me from doing the work, but I felt so hopeless at the time that I never wrote her again and now feel it's too late.
On Friday I received an email from another professor that has decided not to take my work. I want to write to her and ask if she'll reconsider, but also feel it's hopeless.
I can't afford to take these classes again, so I won't graduate or finish college.
I've been trying and failing so much to do that in the last six years that I don't know what to do now.
I've been severely depressed for many years, but I held out hope that things would change. They've only gotten worse. These refusals of my work have done so much damage to my life and my plans. I feel totally worthless and that I have wasted my time, money, life and have sold out my chance at a future since I've gone into so much debt trying to get my degree and not even having it or the opportunities it may have afforded me.
I don't know what to do. I can't fix this.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
This is so stupid, but I can't shake the disappointment. You said we could play the game on Friday. And then you said that maybe we could play it that night on Saturday, when I finally gave up and played it on my own, and when we didn't you said definitely today. I've been really looking forwards to playing it together, I got it specifically to play with you. Playing games with you is my favourite thing in the world, but you're just not as enthusiastic about it. You say you really enjoy it, but you never try to initiate it even though you know I don't like asking. But instead you watched your program, and now you're playing your single player game because 'you just want to finish it'. I know I was busy earlier but I told you that I'd like to play today and told you just to tell me whenever you were ready to play, because I'd play at any time. I don't know, maybe you misunderstood, and maybe you don't know how much it means. I've never had anyone to play games with before, and you're my partner so it matters all the more.
I've been doing so much better recently, because of you, been so much more motivated and, yeah. And I know it's stupid, and I shouldn't let it affect me, because we'll play soon anyway. But I just feel so disappointed.
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self.offmychest
|
I feel like since my sister committed suicide, I'm not allowed to anymore. Ever since I was in elementary or middle school I've been suicidal. I tried to kill myself for the first time when I was about 12, then again when I was 18 (I'm 25 now). I've always been fairly vocal about my depression among my family (maybe part of it is I crave attention or something).
This September, my older sister hung herself. She had been pretty quiet about her depression and not a lot of people knew about it, even close family members. I miss her of course but I'm also kind of mad and feel like since she killed herself that I can't kill myself or even attempt it anymore. I know that's weird. I'm just so sick of life and responsibilities. I hate my job and I'm constantly stressed out to the point I just want to have some sort of destructive vice like alcoholism or yanking out my hair or something.
Since my sister died, everyone has been telling me to talk to them if I need any help but I don't want to talk to them, I just want it all to end so I don't have to hurt all the time.
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self.depression
|
First day of school after Spring Break (1 week off) and my anxiety was worst than ever. School started back after a week off for spring break and at the beginning I was feeling okay and since I got to school earlier than usual I decided to eat breakfast but as I was eating my stomach started to hurt so I just threw it away and went to class. My first class is a vocational school class so it takes up 3 periods and throughout I didn't feel too bad apart from feeling like I had air stuck in my chest (I don't know how to explain it). I was a little tired but that's about it.
During 4th period, however, my stomach started to hurt again as well as my head. I went to the restroom and then I just went to the library (I'm in a social studies class and this year I'm actually doing my work and trying so I'm able to go to the library if I have no assignments missing). I felt okay the rest of the period.
5th period is when I have lunch and I couldn't eat because I felt like I was going to throw up.
6th period is when it hit hard. I left my 5th period and was walking to 6th (opposite side of the school and on the other floor) and not too soon after leaving the classroom is when I was feeling lightheaded and my stomach was hurting again so I just when to the restroom and sat on the toilet. The bell rung and about 3 minutes later I thought I was okay and could make it but walking down the hall I got lightheaded again and just sat in the hall for a minute or two. I then got up and when to the stairs to get to the first floor and I had too take off my bookbag so I don't have the weight making my more tired. As I got downstairs I was in front of the main office so I decided to see the nurse. That is when my hand and arms up to my elbow started to tingle. I told the nurse how I felt and she said it might be my anxiety. Now I have never told anyone about my anxiety and I have felt like this before (usually at the beginning of the school year), but it has never felt this bad, so hearing her say that felt weird and for some reason I felt relieved that she said it. Anyway I stay in the nurses office for the majority of 6th and she told me about a breath technique to calm me and help my blood flow (I was really pale).
I went to 6th and luckily the (history) teacher was having the class finished a test that I already completed so I was able to sit and calm down, but when the bell rung to end class it all came back. The teacher had to get the nurse to walk me to her office just in case I passed out. I then stayed in there for the rest of the day until my mom and aunt picked me up. (School was almost over when she decided to have someone pick me up so I didn't pass out on the bus).
I'm sorry if it hard to understand my head still hurts and it's difficult to concentrate to reread and fix any errors.
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self.Anxiety
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Sadness is like trying to climb out of a pit with a slippery slope, its very easy to fall deeper but hard to get out of [deleted]
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self.depression
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Abilify and alcohol Does anyone use abilify and alcohol? I just want to drink sometimes, not often. I remember I drank alcohol once and it was fine, the second time I got really tired suddenly. Like I needed to sleep right away all. Since then I've not used alcohol anymore. But since I'm on abilify for about two months now, I notice that I always get sleepy around 6-7pm which was also the time that I used alcohol and got super sleepy. I'm thinking maybe I could take the alcohol at a different time? I'm not seeing my doctor until the 20th so I thought I'd just ask for some experiences here.
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self.bipolar
|
Help me please. I feel so guilty for my parents, I have a sister with autism, arthritis, and a plethora of other disabilities and I feel so bad that I turned out like this, I'm depressed and bipolar and I'm addicted to pills. I feel so bad they have to deal with me and I don't think I can take it anymore.
My girlfriend told me earlier that she doesn't find me attractive, she said she likes me for my personality but she doesn't find me attractive at all, and I know looks aren't the most important thing but it still hurts just as much.
I got put on probation in November and I got a Ritalin perscription for delression and I abuse it so much and my dad just thinks it's because I'm depressed, which it is, but he doesn't know I'm using it to get high. And I'm addicted now and I can't stop abusing it and I know I need help but if I go to rehab my probation officer is gonna know I'm doing drugs and I'll get locked up
I just wanted to rant about things I can't/Am to scared to talk to anyone else about. Thank you.
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self.depression
|
Listening to Linkin Park tonight/this morning,as i did on Christmas eve/day. I noticed as it turned 00.00, 1/1/2018, "Somewhere i belong" was just finishing. I really hope this is the year that i find somewhere i belong [removed]
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self.depression
|
Feel really down for doing bad in something I believe I'm good at. Just fail on something I've been good at. There are not many things that I can say I'm good at. That's why it hurts so much, especially when I once believed I could do it well.
Feeling really inadequate and I'm so upset and disappointed of myself that I cried whole night and still couldn't concentrate on any other things.
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self.offmychest
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Tired of everything I'm just so tired. Tired of feeling like I can't breathe because I'm so overwhelmed, tired of alternating between feeling numb and devastatingly sad, tired of having to put in what feels like a mountain of effort just to do the smallest tasks, tired of putting on a happy face, and tired of being so tired. It all just feels like too much
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self.SuicideWatch
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Procrastination Anxiety? A few months ago I suffered severe psychological trauma and although I’m getting better, I’ve noticed something new. I have horrible constant anxiety that gets worse when I have to do something such as study for a chem exam or check my emails. I then don’t do them and procrastinate, which in turn makes my anxiety worse the next time I try and do it. The more I procrastinate the more it seems like a looming monster, but the harder it gets to do. For example, I have a panic attack whenever I think about opening my emails because of how long I’ve been letting them pile up. It’s not rational, but it happens and it’s like I can’t control it.
Anyone have experience with this or tips on how to beat this procrastination-anxiety cycle?
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self.Anxiety
|
Fuck. Is this real suicidality?!?!? Weird feeling like i don't want to get better. Scary impulses please read. **So first of all i will write what happened a few minutes ago, then i will post my story above. So i am suffering from HOPEFULLY INTRUSIVE SUICIDAL THOUGHTS and many other weird feelings for the last 4 months.
So I was sitting on my laptop editing a video, relatively fine, the thoughts and feeling like a little in background. But felt less real.
Suddenly a thought like 'I want to do it' entered my head and I had like a panic attack not sure what it was actually. And an urge to do it. I tried to calm my self but it got more and more intense I couldn't stand still, it felt like i wanted to do it. Fuuuuck.
Now I am calmer but I have a confusion if i am suicidal or not. fuck.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK? WAS THIS SUICIDALITY/SI? I SAID 'I DON'T WANT TO DO IT' BUT THEN I FELT LIKE AN URGE IN THE STOMACH LIKE I WANT IT.
AND I TRIED LIKE IMAGINING A POSITIVE FUTURE BUT IT CAME OUT NEGATIVELY AND LIKE NOTHING MATTERS FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
And like general trapped feeling WTF?!?!
EDIT: An hour later i feel relatively fine again. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS?!?!**
1. Like everything you see is too much.
2. Like reality is too much.
3. Like you need to escape, but there is no place to.
4. Feeling trapped. In life?!?!?!
THESE FOUR ARE THE MOST TERRIFYING. AND ALSO A FEELING THAT I DON'T WANT TO GET BETTER?!
And many other weird feelings:
weird feeling: Like I am somehow disconnected from my old life?
weird feeling: Like I am in a weird unsettled life state.
weird feeling: Scary/Terrifying/Real/ Scenarious in my head like for example "My best friend ask me if I want to work with him(We had very succesfully store.) And I answer him, no I want to die" etc. WHAT?!
weird feeling: Like when this happens EVERYTHING SEEMS DARKER AND DOOMED, LIKE IN A HORROR MOVIE?
weird feeling: I simply cannot get out of my head when it happens, constant negative thoughts(i listed them above) weird feeling in the stomach, feeling dissociated from sveryone, everything i imagine in my head, even my home seems dark and doomed?
weird feeling: Like life is meaningless?!? Without a reason???
weird feeling: It feels like i imagine waking up everyday but it feels like i am waking every minute.
weird feeling: Feels like I won't be here soon.(generated From the scary thoughts.
weird feeling: When I try to do something I can't do for long time. Eventually there is a weird feeling associated with a throughts like the above that doesn't allow me to do it. It is strange, feels like anxiety a bit, but not exactly.
weird feeling: When I am relatively okay, there is a feeling like I am anxious, idk strange feeling in the stomach(not exactly anxiety.) Can't fully describe it.
weird feeling: Like i am dissociated with life(not like the derealization stuff) - again I am not sure what it is it feels strange.
weird feeling: Feeling like I don't want to get better.(This is the scariest one.)
weird feeling: Feeling like years have passed between my old life and now.
weird feeling: Feeling like there is no emotional content in my memories.
weird feeling: Confusion if I am suicidal or not?!?!?!
weird feeling: Feeling like a wave between now and the future happens in my head and makes me feel tired and anxious.(This happens especially in the morning, when I stand up and stop being sleepy it dissapears.)
weird feeling: When I do something it randomly appears it is like a feeling of /suicidality/hopelessness/flying feeling/ (not sure can't describe it.) and when this happens there is a strike in my stomach.
weird feeling: There are pictures stuck in my head(2 or 3) mostly regarding to future. for example: me in the garden of my university walking - like i am looking at myself from a flying drone. they seem dark or super bright in my head. weird feeling: Feeling that there is something wrong with my thinking pattern and my rational thinking.
weird feeling: Sudden feeling of being trapped(In life?). (It happens randomly.)
weird feeling: That I will suicide if I work, and since then I am not working.
weird feeling: Going out seems weird/scary/overwhelming/I don't know.
weird feeling: Something that happened a long time ago seems close, something that happened a short time ago feels far. weird feeling: This is about babies. Somewhere I have read "I don't want kids on this terrible world." And now there is a weird feeling when I see a baby.
weird feeling: Everything seems darker. Like my vision changed.
weird feeling: When I read here on reddit someone who is suicidal/depressed etc. All of the feelings come back and it feels like i am feeling the same way as him. (When time passes I can see the difference.)
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self.SuicideWatch
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How do you motivate yourself to exercise and lose some weight when you're battling crippling depression? The title says all.
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self.depression
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Bipolar disorder mistaken for lyme disease Has anyone heard of this or possibly been misdiagnosed? I'm seriously convinced I could have lyme disease. I've been on a downward spiral plane crash into a school bus for the last three years and I can't except a pure bipolar diagnoses. I used to be soo active and into fitness. I loved to hunt, fish, snowmobile ect. Something is just not right and I don't believe its just bipolar. I'm a complete zombie, anxiety like crazy, lost interest in every hobby I've ever had, and started having a drinking problem the last 3 years. I just can't believe it could be bipolar that all of sudden sent me on a crash course.
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self.bipolar
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I'm slipping into depression and i want it to stop. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
How do i recover from what my baby mom has done to me? I have been celibate & single for 6 years, no dates or hook ups and no continued conversations with any girls. Even the ones i like i just can't trust and find some way to cut them off, my BM destroyed me mentally, we had a child she at first made me think our child was not mine and told me cheated on me, which still to this day i don't know if that was made up or true, but after test and the act my daughter looks like me she ended up being mine as i thought, she then ended up moving telling me she was visiting family during that whole week and then invited me over to a half empty house to say my goodbyes to my daughter.
I ended up barely seeing my daughter since she moved 4 hours away on a Reservation. As a year went by i graduated highschool and decided i'd join the Army (i ended up getting discharged months later for medical reasons). But during that time She ended up getting married & now won't let me see my kid at all. When i git back i was just so depressed for not being able to stay in the Army & Not seeing my kid i felt like the biggest failure, i sat in the hose for a whole year in a half and never left it. I live in a new state now for job purposes & she knows im here and visits this state in the summer for vacation with her husband, and doesn't even stop to let me see my daughter. During our realtionship i can say i was blind and stupid because she did nothing but cheat on me and emotionally abuse me. We were together for 2 and half years & now all i can see is photos of my daughter getting older through IG and FB and that hurts my soul. Ever since then i just have been solitary and unable to open up to anyone. I just let any women who takes intrest me go by and leave it at that. I am haunted by what has happen. Alot of women have been taking interest in me but i just can't let anyone in.
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self.depression
|
Im super desperate to get out there and live a life but I’m stuck in my house because I’m ugly... I'm a 6 foot tall male lanky, slim build...aged 27. Some say I look younger others say I don't. I'm a virgin and never kissed, and it used tinder and no matches (pics below) because I put it down to only chiseled 10/10 hunks get laid. I'd love to be at least a little attractive and dress up nice and go out on nights out with friends and meet people, but in ugly so I'll just get humiliated and ridiculed. My friends go out and at times take girls home etc. It's not all about that, but going dry does have its toll on me. the worst is when a girl thinks I'm checking her out like at work etc and gives me a snotty look like 'ewwww no', but if a good looking guy did the same thing? different story. Iv cried so many times, imagining women Iv met in professional capacities that Iv liked and that they're probably getting banged by at least 9/10s. Seeing myself in reflections just makes me want to go home and stay there. It's ok for girls who can put makeup on and fake tan, then again all sorts of girls get liked, but men don't have that option, men need to be the 6,3" channing Tatum hunk muscles 6 packs abs to get laid, or you will die alone and unloved. I wish I could just die, constant heartache Is too much recently. The only easing of the pain is to drink alot of scotch and smoke weed. Anyways rant over. Thanks for reading.
Edit; pics are on my account history if it helps
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Experienced automatic breathing for the first time I have remembered! Hey y'all,
I have been experimenting lately by micro-dosing psychedelics at night to work on my subconscious while i sleep. Usually, I'm able to sleep through them, which is weird, considering they are stimulants.
Tonight, I was awakened by my dose, but I found that I didn't have to manually breathe either, which was the coolest thing ever.
I've been depressed for 10+ years now, since I was 10 or 11, and I never realized that automatic breathing was a thing, until I recently asked my friend how they breathed - to their perplexed gaze.
The feeling has since gone, but just having the experience was a boost to my self-confidence. Twas neat.
Just wanted to share, everyone is currently asleep where I am.
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self.depression
|
Today a coworker told me I was “ungrateful” for moving... Recently, I moved across the country. My mother was abusive and I hated where I lived, so two years ago, I cut my mother off and after graduation, I moved across the country to live with my dad. I got a job recently too. A coworker of mine today, after she’d badgered me continuously about why I’d moved, told me I was “ungrateful” for moving. She has no idea why I did, nor is it really any of her business. She just knows what I tell her; that I didn’t like it there and that I like it here better.
Long story short, I’ve felt terrible about it all day, it was extremely triggering. I felt worse after talking with my grandma(my dad’s mom) and having her invalidate my feelings about this and tell me what I “need” to do.
I kinda just want to disappear, or die, really, anything will do. I’ve been contemplating my own death for a long, long while. Everything is a struggle and my entire life has been one massive shit show. I really just want to sleep forever.
TLDR; am I “ungrateful” for escaping an abusive mother and moving across the country to try and better my stupid life?
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self.depression
|
What do you do with people that try to shut you out, take your credit, or put you down? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Everyone hates me My head hurts with all this depression. I have no friends no one to reach out to. I hate my life.
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self.depression
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Any research assistants? I'm too scared to apply to a RA position in population health because of anxiety and low self esteem. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Advice for a partner so my boyfriend has generalised anxiety disorder and recently had a panic attack with derealisation and i tried to do what i could to help but i panicked and felt like i couldn’t do anything. i was hoping someone could give me some advice on how to help him when these things happen? Thanks!
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self.Anxiety
|
Death is so appealing to me. The comforting feeling.
I am tired, drained. I feel empty, weak, nothing left inside. I have been struggling with social phobia and depression since i was 11, and 17 years later, nothing has changed.
I started therapy one and a half years ago. The worst thing that could happen, happened to me, transference. I have developed very significant feelings for my therapist. I got so attached that it hurts so much, knowing that she does not feel the same for me. We discussed this issue, many times, even though she tried to help me, it made things only worse.
I experienced so much pain in my life, so much suffering, and this is the final blow. My scars are open again, i am more vulnerable than ever. Therapy was my last chance, and life failed me again. I am so depressed, so sad, it is so dark right now that i can't see the light of life. Death is so appealing to me.
I cant seem to find joy, and tried so hard. Life is not for me, not for someone who is weak. There is no place for people like us.
The only thing that keeps me going, ironically, is the comforting feeling that one day i will take matters in my own hands, i will end it all, i will be at peace at last. Every night i am dreaming about the day that i will sleep forever, every morning when i wake up i get depressed that i am still alive. I have no idea why i am writing this, it's just, i don't have anybody else. It is sad to die without knowing the feeling of being loved, isn't it?
I have never been so close. I wish to die. That will be the moment when i will be truly happy, i will be at peace. Watching the sun set as i set in to darkness.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I feel lonelier by the day I started university this year and started out with a few friends I'd talked to online before coming here. I also made some friends on my course. One of my closest friends (a girl I'd talked to online before coming) gets on new guys every so often and when she does I get abandoned. I just got forgotten about, ignored and tossed aside. It happened when we first got here, then she broke off with the guy and I became the best thing ever. I got invited on nights out, we hung out a lot etc. Now she's getting on another guy and I've just been forgotten again, don't get invited out anymore and it's like none of the group fucking care.
To top it all off, my best mate of my course is dropping out and I just feel so fucking lonely. He was one of the few people I could really relate to on my course. We have the same kind of humour and live of memes so we just took the piss 24/7 basically. I just feel so fucking lonely, like no one really cares. Everyone pretends until you don't have anything to give.
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self.depression
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I made so many mistakes last night and I hate myself [deleted]
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self.depression
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Unsatisfied DONT TAKE THIS THE WRONG WAY I ABSOLUTELY LOVEEEE MY BOYFRIEND. I do I love him for who he is. He's sweet caring loving emotional and supportive. Of course he has his faults. But one thing I want to get off my chest is he doesnt satisfy me anymore. We been together over 5 months and at the bringing things were sooo good I loved everything we did and the sex was amazing but lately when we have sex it don't feel the same I just do it to please him and so I have time with him and get his attention so I been cheating on him with a guy he hangs out with occasionally we've been talking for a while and he wants to meet up tomorrow and have sex. But he's not the only guy my birthday is the 11th and on the 14th I'm going to a guys house for a few days before I move into my boyfriends the following week im scared he will eventually find out but I don't do it to hurt him I do it to help us this way I can still love him and be satisfied
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self.offmychest
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Any depressed seniors going to prom? Stupid thing to ask I know, just wondering.
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self.depression
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Fuck You Brain... Fuck You... I'm About Done with this Shit... # ***I've always dealt with getting mad easily and I fucking hate it!***
I don't even notice it happening, and when I do I'm tense, my fight or flight has kicked in, ***I'm a fighter***, and I don't even think clear thoughts at that point. It's so easy for me to get pissed and defensive... and I hate that, why can't I just say, "oh well, I don't care" and actually not care like I used to.
***My brain makes me so fucking mad that I get mad thinking about it, what a conundrum...***
There was a point in my life after I came home from Basic Combat Training, and at BCT I did learn how to be chill. I just told myself every single day, don't get mad, just stay chill, and I think I wrote the same sentence over and over again when I had the time, and that worked. I was finally chill for once, and people actually saw me as a chill but focused person who made life look easy. I'm mad and almost depressed now that I can't find that person anymore and I'm thinking he will never come back... I've been working at this for well over a year now...
***WHAT IN THE FUCK DO YOU WANT ME TO DO BRAIN HOLY FUCKING SHIT!!!***
Every single day I keep telling myself, don't get mad, be chill, relax, stay calm and nothing fucking works. I've tried affirmations, meditation, getting extra sleep, motivating myself to always get better, changed my diet, started working out again, read some books, watched some videos, breathing excercises, **even some behavioral therapy**, etc... I feel like I have wasted so much time and I'm just thinking about saying fuck it, this is just who I am, **but I don't want that at all...**
I'm sitting here, begging myself to just stop being so fucking stupid and chill the fuck out... I'm never this negative about myself, but today I'm just about fucking done with it all.
***Fucking over this bullshit...***
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self.offmychest
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Why are people such assholes? Can someone give me the answer?
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self.depression
|
Looking for Perspective An old and close friend suffers from terrible depression. She's really been struggling since September, when her meds were changed. At times she's responded to my emails checking in, other times not.
On Saturday, my mom died, and I let my friend know. There has been no response from her at all. I realize that expecting a response from her is basically the equivalent of "Hey there, person in pain. I demand that you acknowledge that I too have pain!" And that's shitty.
I'm trying to be understanding. Maybe she's really mad at herself for her inability to respond. But I can't help but be upset. I was hoping this community might be able to offer some kind of insight into this situation from her perspective. I note that I haven't said anything to her about the lack of response.
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self.depression
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I can never imagine why anyone would want to be your brother. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I Want to Kill Myself After My Parents Are Dead. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Questions about mania. I think I had true mania yesterday.
I couldn't stand it, at all. It was so awful.
I slept about 13 hours, but I felt so awful. I thought I'd fall asleep really early.
Well, I didn't. I stayed up for quite a while and felt like complete shit all day.
I felt incredibly tired for most of the day, but later, I just couldn't sleep. I couldn't do anything at all. I watched movies for a while and my buddies got on discord. So I talked to them for a while.
I know that I was really annoying. My brain just couldn't handle any of it.
I was so lost yesterday that it really scared me. There's no way I could have ever handled today if I felt the same.
How... How does anyone handle anything like that? I don't really remember having extreme mania. Yesterday was the first day I really noticed it.
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self.bipolar
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I have trouble believing anyone cares. I just feel like I'm seen as a means to an end, and more importantly, that is how I see myself. I'm stuck in a shitty job that takes my free time for minimum wage, I can't help but feel that my "friends" only care as long as I entertain them and have no other way of making friends, I'm obviously my parents least favorite. I don't feel comfortable venting to anyone and my anger at the world has been festering for a while now.
But I also don't know if I want help. I know I don't deserve it. It was fortunate for my boss there wasn't a train passing by on my way home.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I just need someone to talk to I dont know if this goes here but i dont know where else to go... i dont really know how to put it into words but i can try my best. Every single night my mind likes to reminds itself about every single thing that i fucked up. Some how i think about something and BOOM im thinking about something bad or sad in my life making me feel horrible sometimes to the point of crying. Thats why most nights I either watch videos till i fall asleep or blas music in my years to drown the thoughts in my head. I would say i have a fairly good life but i dont know why this happens. Its just my mind thinks of the worst things when im thinking to myself. If im around people im as happy as a 18 year old can get. But when im alone, its as if im a completely different person. Is something wrong with me?
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self.SuicideWatch
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It doesn't feel like anything but pain is real. I'm insanely disconnected and unhappy and need to hear from someone [deleted]
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self.depression
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Really really bad anxiety/social anxiety Does anybody else have 'crippling' anxiety?? When I'm out in public I feel like it's the end of the world, I always wanna go back home and I feel like my whole family will die if I'm not there (irrational thoughts) I know they're irrational but my anxiety is so bad that it ruins everything.
How did people find helps cope with this? I've been on many medications but they don't help. It physically hurts me in my chest and stomach
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self.Anxiety
|
Instead of suicide, why not let your death make a difference. Join the military and die for your country if fate shall have it Over 10 years of painful depression and this is just a thought. What do you think
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self.depression
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Speech on monday I have to give a 5-7 minutes speech in front of my class on Monday, and it has been on my mind 24/7. I nearly had a panic attack at my birthday dinner yesterday. It's on a topic I have a lot of interest in but feel like I don't do well explaining things, I've always felt that way. My teacher had some tips on how to prepare and one thing she presented was how to get over speech-giving anxiety, and I realized how little she understood it. She basically told us to "be confident, you'll do great" and "don't be nervous", I get that she can only do so much, but I feel like I've heard this advice a million times. I know that people are worried about their own speeches and won't be focusing on me 100%, however, I feel like a choke is very likely. Last year I completely ditched a Spanish presentation (we were randomly given either an essay or presentation and I told my teacher I had the essay when I didn't), and somehow got away with it. However, this teacher has been straightforward in saying that everyone will give their speech and there is no exceptions. Practicing makes me nervous, the thought of doing it makes me feel like there is no chance for a good grade. I plan on taking a 20mg propranolol before (meds) to help, but it has failed me in the past. I don't really know if I want advice because knowing me I'll just ignore it or think I know better (breathing doesn't help!), but just needed to rant I guess. Any experiences with public speaking would help :).
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self.Anxiety
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Bailed on second night in a row It's pretty aggravating. I'm trying to have friends. It just feels like I'm always the one putting the effort, people always move the time or bail. Idk what to do, it's not like I can get better friends with time management, I don't know where I would meet them. Not feeling so depressed today, but it's just shitty.
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self.depression
|
I’ve taken what feels like a huge step backwards. I’ve struggled with anxiety and depression since I was around 8 y/o. It’s been up and down- the worst including being suicidal and not being able to leave my house for a few months. In the past couple of years however things have been so much better than I even thought possible, this has been down to a number of factors including CBT and medication. In the past month or so I’ve found things very hard. My panic attacks have reappeared at a frequency I’ve not experienced in years, I’ve had to add beta blockers to the antidepressants that I take, and tomorrow I start CBT again with my therapist who I was discharged from almost two years ago. I’m not sure why I wrote this post, also I’m aware I’m taking the correct steps. It’s just terrifying to see how unstable my positive mindset can be and it’s breaking my heart to feel like I’m slipping back into how things used to be.
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self.Anxiety
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I hate myself more than anything in the world [deleted]
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self.depression
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Someone I know attempted suicide, and now I’m getting thoughts again. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Please help me out... Advice??? Hey, if you will.. go read my last post. Any advice may help me I hope
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self.depression
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I can't come to terms with things I missed out on earlier in life, or that I'm too old for some women [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I learned how to tie a noose today I want to use it. I'm afraid of dying but I don't want to live anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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TIL I can't have best friends of the opposite sex. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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ranting about my life I feel like my friends at school aren't really my friends. They never invite me any where and every time I ask why I wasn't invited to something ,when everybody else was, they always come up with bullshit reasons why.
The small group of people who I see outside of school around once a week are now hanging out with people who I get shy around. Those people include my "crush"
I call her my "crush" as I'm sick of her yet like her at the same time. Sometimes it feels like she is the only person nice to me. I also don't even want to be attracted to her and just be friends. Yet my stupid self some how got to thinking about her once every hour. She is also the only person that can make me feel good about myself yet at the same time feel shit as I can't talk to her because of my shyness.
My shyness is killing me. I sit alone in 4 of my classes and the depression from it is affecting my school work. It also makes it very hard to go outside and do basic things like apply for a job.
I'm constantly told that I'm stupid for what age I am. I am 15 and my parents always uses that as an excuse why I can't do something. For example: getting a job even tho it's very hard with my shyness.
I sit next to assholes ,who call me their friend, in some of my lessons, they constantly remind me that I'm "useless" and can't do anything.
Sorry that I ranted. I've been holding all this in and felt like it's time to tell somebody.
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self.depression
|
I'm at such a loss... So I never thought to check if there was a subreddit for this kind of thing until today, and I don't know why I suddenly want to share this but I do. Maybe someone can help me figure out what the hell is wrong with me...
I was never a popular kid in high school due to being socially awkward because I was always self-conscious of my weight and looks. I asked two girls out in high school (after weeks of psyching myself up each time) but they shot me down, probably ly because of how big and ugly I am. It didn't bother me because I had gaming and I had a couple of friends and I tried to get good grades. I had a plan.
I went to college, hit the books even harder, but still never was able to find anyone who I could muster the courage up to ask out. I had a run-in with an old acquaintance and she... Essentially took advantage of my insecurity (I won't say rape because that wasn't what it was) and I had my first sexual encounter in college. But it wasn't pleasant. I wasn't attracted to her. I couldn't stay hard because of that and I never even finished before she left. After that I felt horrible about myself. But I continued college and tried to do my best. I had a plan.
Then, my mother died, about 2 years before I would graduate college, 4 days before Christmas. I forced myself to finish college because I knew she would want me to, but I almost quit several times. This was when I first started thinking I might have depression. But o figured I would get out of college, get a job, find a girl, and everything would be happy.
After college I moved in with my aunt while I looked for a job in my field of study, and worked to pay her some rent for letting me stay. After a year, and several hundred resumes out, I decided to move back to the town my college was in because I thought maybe I could find better prospects here. I got a job at a fast food place and continued sending resumes out (albeit with less frequency). It was at this point that I knew I was depressed. I began to feel lonely. But I stuck it out in hopes of finding a job.
Then, 3 days before Christmas I had to put my dog down. This... Devastated me in a way losing my mother didn't even hurt me. I began slowing down sending resumes out until about a year ago I just stopped altogether. I began to have darker and darker thoughts. A couple of times I had to call friends to stop myself from just ending it all.
I still work at the fast food joint, and have been promoted to an assistant manager. I have friends, I have hobbies. After a particular scary train of thoughts I decided to start a diet that has been wildly successful (I'm down nearly 70 lbs and only like 30 away from being under 200). I shouldn't be this way.
But I feel terrible. "I'm a terrible person" I joke around with people all the time, but in reality I'm not joking. I'm terrible. And I'm all alone. I am so lonely it hurts. And I don't know how to fix this. I am terrified to speak to women about how I feel. I have literally zero experience with relationships. And besides, even if I did suddenly find the courage, who the hell would want to be with a failure like me? Why would I ever want to put another human being into a situation where I am their boyfriend when I am such a terrible person? I have a degree and nothing but debt to show for it.
I'm 26 years old and I missed out on so many experiences in life that I feel like I am so far gone that I won't ever be happy. And I deserve to be miserable.
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self.depression
|
How can I talk to my friends about suicide? I just found out that another one of my friends tried committing suicide. That makes 2 attempted, 1 accidental, and 3 successful suicides of my friends. I just don't know what to do anymore. I want my friends to be happy; I want all of this to stop. I can't go to another funeral and face my friends grieving parents. What more can I do? I just feel like everything I've done for these friends has just been so futile.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Pdoc appointment pushed back My pdoc appointment got pushed back about a week, but I only had enough abilify to get to the appointment. Should I just ride it out and see how it goes with out, or see if my family doc will give me a 10 day script?
(She was against antipsychotics/moodstabilizers before my diagnosis, and I'm honestly not aware if pdoc has sent my file to her yet)
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self.bipolar
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DO NOT harm yourself to spite someone else We will not feel sorry. We will not feel guilty. If we've taken steps back already, we've accepted there is nothing we can do- I concede that I am literally powerless in the face of your own self-destruction.
Yes, it does suck watching someone you love drink poison, even worse when you know they're hoping *you* will drop dead. Maybe with them. But that's all it is, and all there will be.
Look, drop dead if you absolutely MUST. I really hope you don't. Drink your poison if you love it so much. But please, and I'm warning you beforehand, DON'T do it in the name of petty casualties.
I'm telling you it will be nothing but a cosmic joke of a waste- and I'll know that call for what it was. Another evil, cruel, maliciously intended trick.
If you're out there somehow, you idiot, reading this- you should be able to guess what I'll assume if you go and kill yourself. I'll know it wasn't my fault.
But I am scared. I am. For you. Like, waiting for an asteroid to hit the earth kinda praying. For you. I was fuckin praying for you yesterday- that's how heavy it suddenly came weighing on me. Maybe even as you were calling. Don't know why it happened like that, but I know it was supposed to. And that all is as it should be.
Fuck, man. I really hope you make it, I hope you stick around to really talk- but it won't kill me if you don't. It will only kill you. Remember that.
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self.offmychest
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What can I do when my friend has a depressive episode? I like my friend a lot and I have been with him through this thing he is going through an I've been there to support him through it and what not. I was the first person he told when his psychiatrist diagnosed him. I don't really understand this condition, I have tried to understand but I don't think I really can understand as I have never gone through it
The thing is I don't know what to do when my friend has an episode. The last time he had one he tried to kill himself with pills. I didn't know what to say to him when he told me.
Then there's also the emotional exhaustion. He gets really possessive, angry and needy and he starts badgering me for attention. Just a few minutes ago he demanded that I have to answer his messages immediately when he says so. I was busy I didn't really see those messages until a few minutes ago. This isn't the first time he gets like this either, I didn't really have a lot of free time in the past few months, I was finishing my degree and I was really busy. He started saying I was ditching him and insinuating that I was making excuses not to see him.
Why is he doing this to me? I have been there when he needed it, I've been there when he was alone and had no one to talk to and I have listened to him without involving him in my issues. I don't know what to do, and I'm getting the feeling that if he keeps talking to me that way it will end up with us in a fight. I know this is something that happens with depression, he was not like this before. Even so I don't know how to reconcile the fact that it is his depression talking, sometimes it just makes me very angry at him and it feels as if he has a bone to pick with me for no reason.
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self.depression
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Making no progress in getting over a not so recent breakup. This is a bit of a long one, sorry in advance
My ex is active on reddit so this is a throwaway and I won't use her real name.
So a little background, I met Megan at a party towards the end of my A-levels (Pre University exams in the UK). We talked loads and met up again within a week. She came over mine and we ironically watched an extremely low budget sharknado type film and just chatted endlessly for hours. This date was just a few days before I was due to go off travelling around Europe for a month. I accepted that even though we seemed like really similar our relationship would probably fade as I was going away for so long but somehow it didn't, we talked almost every evening that I had a phone signal. When I came home a month later we went stargazing in the mountains and didn't stop talking about anything and everything all night. For the next two months we saw each at least two or three times a week, we'd often stay at each other's as we lived fairly far away from each other. We went on long walks, went record shopping together and had a couple of lovely weekends away. I was planning to join the Military at the end of the summer and Megan was off to university so I was fairly sure that things weren't going to last. Then at a festival I suddenly decided that I didn't want to join the military any more, in retrospect the prospect of having to end things with Megan was probably the motivation for this, but I failed to realise it at the time. I decided that I'd go to university instead, this was however a few days after results day (In the UK this means that getting a university place involves calling multiple universities and begging them to give you one of their spare places). Unfortunately I was in a field with a massive hangover and almost no charge so there was little I could do. I rang Megan and cried down the phone for a while, the career I'd wanted no longer appealed to me and it felt like there was nothing I could do about it. Megan was so supportive and researched what courses I could still get onto and even rang a few clearing lines for me, it's one of the few times in my life I've felt genuinely cared about. There were plenty of other instances throughout our relationship where I felt I could talk to her about anything, she really taught me to open up emotionally which is something I've never really been able to do before.
I got accepted onto a course I was interested in, in a city I already loved a few days later and was over the moon. It was still 6 hours by train to where Megan was studying but we decided we would work long distance because we had so much in common and enjoyed each other's company so much. For the first two months everything seemed fine, Megan visited twice and we decided I'd visit her twice after that. We had one not small but certainly not big argument when we came up for the second time, but we talked it out and Megan said things were sorted before she left. Then just two weeks after I'd last seen her, Megan called and said things weren't going to work any more. She said things hadn't been right for a couple of weeks, despite the fact that she'd say everything was fine when I'd ask her if anything was wrong. I felt like she didn't even want to try and fix the relationship and just wanted things to die.
This was roughly two months ago, since then Megan's said that she felt our relationship was more of an infatuation than anything serious, which hurt me more than anything ever has. Since the breakup she hasn't started a single conversation with me or asked how I am. It's just been so hard losing one of the only people I've ever felt I could open up to. Going from talking to someone every day for 5 months to nothing at all hasn't been easy. I've tried all the usual tactics for dealing with this sort of thing, Going out with old mates more often, getting to know my housemates more, I've had a few dates and even a one night stand but nothing's made me feel even remotely better. Despite unfollowing her on social media and keeping contact to a minimum I just can't stop thinking about her. I've had longer relationships in the past that have ended in a similar way but none of them have had such an effect on me as this one.
Thanks for reading :)
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self.offmychest
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What to do when your manic ideas become reality? Or is this just called following through?
Within a month I quit a job, flew up for an interview, moved half-way across the country, and am now sitting in a tiny room I'm renting with no friends/family anywhere close to me.
I have a job, which is good, but it's one that requires much more than I feel capable of at this level of stability. I guess I just have to roll with it now. This is the biggest change I've ever made. I won't say all of it was mania--but the quickness and impulse with which it was done was largely controlled hypomania.
Anyone with a similar experience? How did you cope/how did it turn out?
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self.bipolar
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I feel confused I used have suicidal depression about a year ago now (or maybe it kinda never left?). Since then I have kinda had long bouts of sadness, though it dosn't really feel the same, it just kinda happens and for no reason, recently it feels like all my freinds are leaving me because of this and because how I'm always such a downer to them and how I'm so stubbern and refuse to talk about it (even though I want to in a weird way, I guess I just can't describe how it is and why I guess, so I can't really talk about it). I just feel really confused and sad right now, it feels like everybody is leaving me, I want to talk about it even though I don't know how to, I want to see a physiciatrist but I don't want my parents to find out about it (I woulden't be able to answere any of the questions they have and why I never told them in the first place) and how can I tell if this is going to go away like the rest of my bouts go? I hid it during my first depression and I hid it amazingly, I have no idea how I managed to keep up my grades and instantly switch my mask on and off. I promised myself to never hid it again thinking that my friends would be able to help me, I feel confused. Sorry for the long post
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self.depression
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Falling deeper into depression F17. Everything for me has been crap lately. Whether its a home, work, the stupid school i go to, my social life, etc... having depression sucks. I wake up feeling like i go through the same cycle everyday. I always feel like crap. I barely have friends. People always leave... and i’m trying to be homeschooled but idk if i will be. The school i go to makes my depression 100% worse... no one ever means what they say to you..
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self.offmychest
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I'm committing to living. Any support appreciated. The catch-22 of wanting to die is that while the best way to prevent it is to tell people, i would do anything not to have the police forcibly take me to a hospital and lock me up there. so i lie to my friends, my family, and my therapists just to avoid that outcome. I do try really hard to get better, and I seek support from people, but I realized today how much I've been intentionally keeping the door open for suicide by strategically saying just enough to get support, but not cause alarm. Even my roommate, whom I confide in the most, has no idea how close I've been getting. I've broken up with my bf, been cleaning up my finances, reading up on intestacy laws, trying to put my belongings in order, and updating the beneficiaries on my life insurance policies (ive had them for over 2 years).
ANYWAY what I'm hoping is that reddit will be the great intersection of anonymity, honesty, and compassion, and that these things will keep my scheming suicidal mind in check.
I've always been best with short term goals, so I've decided to commit to living for the next two months, so March 18. That'll be right after my cousin's wedding (wouldn't want to ruin that). On March 18 I'll hopefully renew the commitment for another month or so, and if I make it to Dec 18 I'll have officially made it to my 30th birthday (god why does 30 sound so old).
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self.SuicideWatch
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Yeah Man I'm steady chasing my own tail, the fear in me another word for hell, self inflicted so these flames burn more, still going through life wandering how much more?, in a state of limbo, feeling like I don't know where to go, repeating this process with no effort, mama wandering why I can't show no real effort, well with the devil, to suppress him I took a pill, these energies I created I must say, everyday is like the same die, she been moved on, no matter how much if I tried I still can't move on, just dont call her especially since she wants nothing to do with me, crazy not because I wasn't ready but we were suppose to be married, lost in my head, she knew I couldn't get ahead, now in a different state with a ring on her finger, even though I'm hated I still think about her, plus those kids, she always said she didn't need another kid, hard headed just ignored reality, now reality right by me, like a shadow, a guarantee for tomorrow, only remedy is in 100 years, just my belief but I ain't good at moving life's gears, brother in prison for ever, then this rage seems like it will stick with me, going on dating sites just to say hello, when death comes hope fully it will be a better hello.
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self.offmychest
|
Experiencing a setback during third week of Prozac I’m on my third week of Prozac and was feeling really great. Since Christmas each day has been worse and worse. I now am now having anxiety when trying to sleep and have barely slept in two days. Anyone have any advice on this? Has anyone experienced a set back when starting prozac?
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self.Anxiety
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Everytime I say anything to anyone they roll their eyes at me No matter what it is and it makes me suicidal.
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self.depression
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Noticing my heart rate is satisfying when it is low. The discomfort of it racing or noticing my BPM screws my head up. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
CBS News Interviews Dr. Ashraf Hanna - Breakthrough Depression Treatment with IV Ketamine CBS news visited the Florida Spine Institute in Clearwater, Florida to interview Dr. Ashraf Hanna and find out more about his breakthrough for treatment-resistant depression with IV Ketamine Infusion Therapy. #depression #nopainhanna #drhanna #depressiontreatment #ketamine #ketaminetreatmentdepression
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self.depression
|
Does anyone else here not really have any hobbies? I just feel like everything, including watching tv/movies and playing video games is a waste of time.
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self.depression
|
Can't settle on a career. It's getting closer to a conference between my counselor and my parents regarding the career I'm planning on choosing in life. Problem is that my entire life, I couldn't and can't settle on what I want to do. When I view a profession, I see two sides to it, and the negative side makes me not want to do it even more. For most of my life, I was showing interest in becoming a chef, but it was recently that I learned of the work it requires, how a chubby person like me probably can't handle the workload of a chef, and also whenever I do something wrong when cooking, it lowers down my self esteem pretty bad. Also, some thought was put into it and I realized that I'd want to continue taking honours classes instead of taking average ones to pursue my career. I made a choice a while back to stop looking forward to being a chef, but then I realized that I still can't find what to do. Any suggestions on how to discover what I could do.
Also, I don't really want to sit behind a counter with others to call clients on something like insurance. I want a profession that keeps me excited to go to work, something that makes me feel welcomed everyday, you know?
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self.offmychest
|
I want to kill myself
I have these weird mood swings.
Normally I feel dull for 2-3 weeks, after that get “super motivated” and ready to change my life (I feel like I can achieve anything) , and when I fail to do something I blame myself and the depression kicks in for another week, if worse 2-3 weeks. I begin to overeat, I forget things easily , become very lazy, anxious, can’t fall asleep, suddenly I clearly remember all the bad memories, then I’m being afraid that it will happen again, I begin to isolate myself (I don’t have friends at all, because my friends left me and I couldn’t make new ones) , and I can’t talk to people or go outside, or even talk on phone with my parents, because they’re all normal and just don’t understand me.
I hate the fact that I become too dependent on my parents when I’m like this, I can’t behave like an adult.
It don’t know what to do. I feel like I’m a drag to everyone.
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self.depression
|
Life is a cruel joke Where do I begin?
I was raised the eldest of 3 children (younger brother and younger sister). My family didn't have much, but we always had a nice home and food on the table. I was a promising student with grade A marks.
Then high-school hit. It was a TOTALLY differnet environment then what I was used to, like being thrown into the Wall St Marketplace (or something).
I never really had any guidance from my parents on what I was going to do with my life after high school, I kind of chose my classes by ear, not knowing how detrimental physics, science, etc would be later on.
(Continued below)
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I always fall for the girls I can't have So this sucks. Basically fell in love with a girl but there's no way this could work out because not only has she made it clear that she is not interested in any of the guys that go to school with her, but she also has a boyfriend.
The worst thing is that I even know that I couldn't treat her better than he can. He's a nice dude. She deserves him but it drives me crazy how I just can't hold her close the way he can.
Maybe I only feel this way because she allows me to open up in front of her. I can talk about shit and complain about stuff without her telling me to suck it up. Sure, I'd never tell her that I actually hate myself and life as much as I claim when I crack a joke about that kind of stuff, but even if I did, I think she would understand. I mean, shit, she even talked to me about being depressed herself a couple months back but she's better now, or at least she told me that.
I don't really know where I'm going with this. I'm rambling and there's this other girl that's interested in me but I just don't want anyone but her at the moment. I know that it's selfish and I'm absolutely not going to do anything about this because it would only fuck up our whole relationship and I'd be a huge fucking asshole for saying something like that despite her having a boyfriend.
Like, it's gotten to the point where I'm listening to sad music and thinking about writing a song about "Wanting someone you can't have" to post on Soundcloud (obviously without anyone of my close friend circle knowing). This is something I'd usually consider cringy as fuck but shit, what else is there to do?
I don't even know, anymore. Fuck. Whatever.
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self.depression
|
What if i dont care.... I have a question; let me give some context. I can think of, and have heard of billion logical reasons why I shouldn't commit suicide. Think of your family, your friends, your teachers! I know, I know...... but I don't care. Even according to my own beliefs, which I view as more important than anything else in the whole of reality, I believe suicide is wrong, immoral and illogical..... but I don't care. I know I'll be missing out on all the happy things, and a chance at a fulfilling life, all the possible good.......but I don't care! Cognitively I understand that I shouldn't kill myself, that I should keep living, but to me life isn't worth it. I don't enjoy any of it. Every single moment is at the least discomfort. I am never satisfied or even content. And at the worst, I am screaming in my mind because the pain is pure agony. I don't enjoy analyzing data so why would I pursue it as a career? Same with life. I don't enjoy life so I don't want to continue it. To some extent I can oppose my emotions to obey logic, but not all the time, not forever, not life. We as humans need emotions to motivate us. We can't do anything continually if we lack the emotion, the care, the motivation to do it. This is why I can't continue living when I don't care. What should I do, and how when I don't have the motivation to do it? How do I do anything, including what will help me in my illness, if I don't care? Help!
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I’m 30. I wish I had never seen porn as an early teenager (13/14) as it has warped my perception of myself that I have never been able to let go off and I’m beyond repair. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Need advice For Christmas, I had asked my mom if she could sew me a cover for my weighted blanket (which is amazing if anxiety makes it hard to sleep. Would highly recommend). I had measured the blanket and given her the dimensions, but had also suggested that she look up the dimensions of the original blanket, which she had purchased (I looked these up later and the original dimensions were even smaller than what I had measured!). She had worked hard and had made two covers. One was a "mess up" cover, but the other was supposed to fit perfectly. The thing is, now that I am home and put the cover on, it is way too small and also doesn't breathe at all! I thought it would be fine, but I tried to sleep under it last night and it was not a good night. If I don't use this, I won't have a cover for the weighted blanket, and I don't want to accidentally stain the blanket.
So here is the advice I need: should I tell my mom about the issues with the cover? Should I ask her if she could make me a new cover, or does all of this make me come across really ungrateful for the hard work she put into this handmade gift? I do appreciate what she did, and I don't think she will ask me about it on her own, and I am really freaking out over this issue!
tldr; Mom sewed me a cover that is too small. Should I let her know or will that sound ungrateful?
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self.Anxiety
|
I honestly can’t tell if I’m paranoid Type 2 and I have had a lot of paranoia in the past. Decently bad where I was convinced certain things were true, and the little voice was still there but not loud enough to stop me.
Stable now. Have been for a long time. A year maybe. Only a day or two ago I told my husband about how I thought that my short time taking Lyrica turned off my paranoia as I haven’t dealt with it as bad since then. Like that maybe it rewired something.
Today came home and again had the feeling that someone had been in here. This has been going on a while. (Another ongoing longer term suspicion is that my husband is cheating on me. That’s not the point here though).
I don’t come home thinking about it it’s a feeling I get when I walk in. I can’t explain it. It’s only extremely tiny things.
I mentioned it to my husband, like I always do, and he immediately told me my fears about someone having been in here were unreasonable and blah blah blah. Not even for one moment listening to me or validating my feelings. I said just because I get paranoid...he said no I’ve been very careful not to use those words. I walked away and he came and tried to apologize with “I’m sorry if I upset you” and “I’m genuinely concerned” and “I think it is 100% unreasonable that someone has been in here”.
The thing is, we rent. He could have been in here. The landlord could have been. A weirdo could have been. These things do happen! No I don’t know why someone would come in our flat but it’s these tiny things (such as a sock on the bed that I swear wasn’t there, the heating turned at a level I don’t remember putting it on because I always turn it down before I leave, a feeling that someone’s been in there in general, things possibly being slightly moved, a mark on the sofa that is an indent of where maybe someone set down a box and it doesn’t match the shape of anything we own, when this morning I was sitting on that spot on the sofa last thing before I went).
Now I feel prepared to get a spy camera or something and set it up and my husband refuses - that’s part of why he’s upset with me. I don’t want to spy on him, I don’t feel that’s right. But what’s wrong with recording when I’m the last to leave and first one home? Just have it on when the house should be empty? I can’t find out the truth without objective proof. So if one day I come in and feel that feeling but nothing’s on the camera I would know it was just paranoia. And then why is he so opposed? He just keeps saying it’s unreasonable. And I feel he is trying to play on my rational “paranoia” about cameras being on (I use a sticker over my computer’s webcam) and say “getting a camera goes against how you already feel about spying, they can be WiFi hacked!” And I feel he’s trying to manipulate me because you can get ones that don’t connect to the internet. And he’s trying really hard to talk me out of it. So that makes me think he has something to hide. And the problem is what if he is cheating on me? The only way to find out is to spy on him! But if he isn’t, then it’s wrong to spy. Not that I necessarily think he’s the one who’s coming in here during the day. But why is he so adamant? I think he thinks that buying a camera would be “indulging my paranoia” and I would “get more illl”.
But guess what, I don’t have any symptoms right now. So why can’t I trust my gut? Why am I being told my intuition is unreasonable? Why am I being convinced that I’m being paranoid? Why aren’t I allowed to prove to myself what is real and what isn’t? Why is he so adamant about this? I feel really manipulated, like he’s using my illness as a tool to get me to do what he wants. Like he’s using the fact that I brought up paranoia for the first time a day or two ago to purposely make me feel ill again, and that’s why he’s calling this paranoia instead of saying like “wow, that’s weird. I trust your judgment. Sure, we can get a camera in here, but if nothing turns up after a month, then we’re getting rid of it.” What’s wrong with saying that? Is it unreasonable for me to expect him to trust my intuition and to trust what I say and trust my feelings? I feel it’s condescending, disrespectful and manipulative and pointless. I said to him, what is there to gain from you convincing me I’m being unreasonable?
But obviously I’m posting here for a reason. Please, could anyone share some advice about how to figure out if it’s paranoia or intuition or reality or normal fear or normal anxiety? :’(
|
self.bipolar
|
I feel delusional for thinking we have unfinished business [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Everytime i put effort it slaps me in the face [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I’ve tried everything and i can’t calm down I think i’m having some sort of a manic episode
Usually whenever i feel like this i just smoke weed but i’ve run out and can’t get anymore so i’ve got no idea what to do, i just sit here and watch tv and there’s so much shit going on in my head it’s like voices telling me to do stuff. There’s so much shit that i want to get done but i know that i can’t possibly do any of it.
My head is so busy, there’s so much shit rattling around. This happens every couple of days and i’m not sure what the problem is, i thought i might have had bipolar disorder but the episodes are meant to last for days at a time but for me it will only last a couple hours at a time.
Just a little rant, sorry
|
self.Anxiety
|
I feel like I’ve gotten stupider recently I’m not sure if this is the right place to post this but I feel like I’ve gotten stupider recently. I’m having trouble learning and remembering things in school. Before now, I was able to remember specific details even years after I initially learned them. This feeling of getting dumber is also coinciding with a really hard point in my life at the moment. I’m sure it’s nothing, but I’d thought post it here to see if this has happened to anyone else.
|
self.depression
|
for the last year everyday I have been thinking about suicide Not that I am currently suicidal.
More that everything I ever wanted in life is fading away.
And everything I feared is getting closer.
|
self.depression
|
As soon as i woke up today All my problems hit me like a brick As if this artificial start was supposed to solve all of them
|
self.Anxiety
|
I got out of bed at 12pm and forced myself to make macaroni and cheese because I was all out of ramen. Happy Thanksgiving. I had the option to go be with extended family but I said no and now I'm getting criticized because I don't want to be with people. I'm hungover, I feel like shit, and it's my cakeday.
Edit: I also woke up to a receipt for a $90 bar tab
|
self.depression
|
Does anyone hate when your family compares you to other people? I hate it when my mom compares me to my cousin saying “CJ never stress his mom out, but you stress me out”... when I’m trying my ass off to not stress my mom out, to the point where I want to grab a bottle of pills and chug it down my throat and it’s sucks to think about that.
|
self.depression
|
Anxiety makes me feel like I'm dying all the time Lately I've been sick for 4 days and my mind keeps telling me have cancer, a heart attack, Stroke every symptom of anything I have I instantly think I'm dying and lately my anxiety has amplified and I'm have multiple attacks a day over nothing its so stressful please help its interupting social and personal life
|
self.Anxiety
|
Trying to figure out how to live a life worth living when nobody seems to want to care or even acknowledge that I exist. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Anyone else long for company but hate it when it's there? I dont know, I just want to be around people and when I eventually get around people it's just so draining dealing with them, acting happy or like I'm actually interested in whatever the subject is. Seems like most people only seem to want to be around when it benefits them aswell, I like to help people out when they're in a bad place. Seeming to be the only time they ever bother with me recently.. eh sorry. Just ranting I guess.
|
self.depression
|
I feel like I'm slipping back into depression again [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Today Today, I woke up and I felt the same.
It's not worth it. Even at its best moments life is painful. I can't outrun it. It won't lessen over time. I'm sure I've been in pain forever, even though people tell me it just feels like that.
I want to live. I want to be happy. I want to move my body. I want to learn. I want to create beautiful things. I want to love someone some day. I want to be with the people I love.
But I can't. I really really can't. I can't do it. It's so, so, so hard. I always fall short. I'm tied to despair and married to stagnation. Death envelopes me and worthlessness springs forth from my throat. I'm deteriorating.
Today, I told my mother I was depressed. She said, "Again?"
|
self.depression
|
Too (hypo)manic to get anything done? Do any of you ever get too hypomanic to be productive?
Usually when I’m hypomanic it’s when I’m at my most productive - I clean everything in sight and take care of everything on my to-do list! But today, I’ve been buzzing around my apartment doing absolutely *nothing* all day looking at everything that needs to be done and yet I’m unable to start a single task! All I can do is drink more coffee and pop outside again and again for a smoke! I want to do the things but I can’t make myself do them! Am I really even hypomanic right now? I think I am because I’ve been riding this high all week after a very serious depressive phase. I’ve been getting back into making art which I haven’t done in oh so long - last night I stayed up until 6am working on a new piece. Maybe the caffeine is making me too buzzy to function but I’m terrified of crashing right now. I’m fortunate enough that my hypomania manifests as pure euphoria and creativity and (usually) productiveness and I just want to feel this happy forever!
Do you guys have any tricks for forcing yourself be productive? Do you ever reward yourself in some way for getting things done?
|
self.bipolar
|
I am so lonely I have friends but I just don't feel a connection with them. Even though they are great people, I just don't relate to them. I just re-activated my facebook from like 2012 and I see so many messages from people that wanted to hang out with me that I left unanswered. I really regret that because I have become an introvert and I absolutely hate socializing with strangers. I really want to make more friends but I am filled with social anxiety. Once I come out of my shell, I eventually become a likable guy. But I just never ask people to hang out due to not wanting to sound annoying... I'm just really lonely and now I am 19 and wish that I made more friends.
How come some days I am in a really good mood and love talking to people (probably happens like once a month) and on most days I'm terrified of talking to people?
|
self.depression
|
Just writing this to get it off my chest. This is just to get thoughts off my chest. There really isn't any point other than I am sad on Christmas day.
The darkness encroaches a little more every day.
As the darkness drowns out the light the days have less meaning.
The darkness is relentless and remorseless.
It doesn’t care about my wants or needs; it only cares about over taking the light.
Before you my world was shrouded and formless.
Before you my life had no purpose other than itself,
which is to say I only existed to exist.
Before you I had been alone for so long all I knew was the darkness.
The darkness was my friend.
It was like comfortable blanket that wrapped me in melancholy and despair.
Before you the darkness fooled me into thinking that moving from one fleeting enjoyment to another was the same thing as true happiness.
For four years you were my light.
For four years the darkness was held at bay.
For four years my life had meaning.
For four years you were my life.
For four years you showed me that happiness, true happiness isn’t in the carnal, isn’t in the material.
For four years it seemed it seemed there was only light.
Our first meeting was my awakening.
From our first encounter was my first glimpse into a new world.
Our third night together we expressed our affection for each other physically.
Less than a year later I would tell you I love you while our bodies expressed that love physically.
Not long after we would be living together and I would ask you to marry me.
You declined, saying we were not ready.
During our years together there would be ups and downs, but through it all there would be love.
I would give away my pets for love.
I would sleep in a separate room for love.
I would take you to the emergency room in the middle of the night for love.
I would cook for you and clean for you, because I loved you.
You in turn would hold me.
When the demons that plagued my thoughts threatened to bring me down, you would support me.
When life would overwhelm me you would make it seem manageable.
You grounded me.
Most importantly you loved me.
But the darkness is never truly gone.
And in the darkness live the demons.
In the darkness live the truly insidious and truly evil.
They are always there and they will lay in wait.
Slowly, imperceptibly the darkness began to return.
The demons whispered in my ear.
The whispers opened me up to resentment.
The darkness began to obscure my vision and took my focus.
My gaze turned away from the light of your love and to the darkness of petty disappointments.
Slowly the whispers began to shake the foundation of my love for you.
I was weak.
The demons voices became the background noise of my life.
They told me I wasn’t happy and I started to believe them.
Most of all they told me the family I wanted was one I knew you couldn’t give me.
The truth was you were my family, the family I never had.
And with them came the darkness, the dread that consumed me before.
The feeling was familiar and comfortable, well worn.
Eventually I found myself looking away from the light.
Into the darkness I asked the question I knew would extinguish the flame.
The consequence was quick and devastating.
I lit the fuse on a bomb and it blew our worlds apart.
Like a supernova, the explosion would collapse in on itself and leave only a black hole.
Ever since then that black hole has been pulling the last vestiges of your light into it.
Your memory still flickers in my mind.
A tiny point of light, ever diming, which holds back the darkness.
But the darkness gets a little closer every day.
I fear when your light is gone, truly extinguished, I won’t have any reason to go on.
I sit in the collapsing pocket of your light, staring into the darkness and listening to the voices in the shadows.
When your light fades, and the candle is finally extinguished for good I am not sure I can live in the dark again.
Now that you are gone, I can hear a new voice.
It’s a whisper now, but I can hear it clearly and often.
The voice says my life is over.
It says the perimeter of the darkness is all there is, there is nothing ahead and nothing behind.
I can hear the voice so clearly as I write this and it says there is no more life to live.
It won’t be long now before your light is gone.
I’ve been told I may find new light hidden somewhere in the darkness, to dim to see right now.
But navigating my way through the darkness isn’t what this story is about.
This story is about the darkness and its power.
This story is about my weakness and how I let the weight of it break me.
This story is about the family I had and couldn’t see because my eyes were so accustomed to the darkness they couldn’t be comfortable in the light.
I can hear the voice now and it says I am broken.
|
self.depression
|
Anhedonia I've been off sertraline for a few months now. I stopped taking them because I couldn't be bothered going to the Doctor and getting more prescriptions. I also couldn't be bothered taking them regularly (probably contributed to my continuing ambivalence)
Recently I've been getting such Anhedonia. It's a term I only found recently and it's described as: inability to feel pleasure in normally pleasurable activities. I'm sure many on this sub will know all about it.
So I've sat inside all day bored as hell. Thinking about all the wrongs in my life, whipping myself up into a ball of frustration. Watch netflix? No, nothing on it. Play computer games? No, they all such and are a waste of time. Go to the gym? No it's icy outside (amongst other excuses). Watch TV? Nothing on. Read a book? Nothing tickles my fancy. Do some cleaning? Learning? Too much effort.
I'm just getting this off my chest really. It's such a strange feeling. Like nothing I can do right now can actually improve how I feel. There's not a single thing on earth I want right now, other than to want something.
I have work tomorrow, so back to the slog. But in the meantime I'm just at such a loose end....
|
self.depression
|
Tonight is hard I am going through a break up and the change is hard for me. I feel like I don’t know who I am anymore. I want to be calm still and not party and go out and do crazy shit but I’m scared it’s gonna happen...I can feel the mania crawling up and slowly taking over...I don’t recognize myself
|
self.bipolar
|
At school and am trying not to walk out and hang myself [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Starting my year off right by feeling like crap. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Continuous nightmares about school A little about me: currently a graduate student at an east coast university (but the department I study in is very small and VERY conservative & there is pressure to conform to the culture there, so I constantly have to put on a facade, which adds to the stress of being *uncovered* as a *liberal*). Stayed at the university where I completed my undergraduate degree because I wasn't sure what I wanted to do.
I've been out of school for the past few weeks since it was the winter break. But it's basically like I'm at school, because I keep on having nightmares about school. I have these really realistic nightmares where I'm either being put on the spot or ridiculed by one of my (sharp-tongued) professors or where I've lost all the tests and exams (I'm a teaching assistant as a part of my funding) and I have to deal with the aftermath of it from my professor who's very disorganized and passive aggressive. Sometimes I have nightmares where my classmates mock me for being a *sjw*. I'm liberal but not extremely far left, but it's really all relative so any left leaning is only magnified (especially when I've had white nationalists as classmates).
What can I do about it? I'm returning to school soon, and I definitely do not want to continue having these nightmares.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Cycles are just a natural thing... The seasons, severe mood swings?? I just want the moon to guide me and be free from medication (tw: self harm mention) I just want to feel how I'm gonna feel without meds.... It's gonna be intense AF, as I've tried to do this before and only lasted weeks at most.... Going manic to the point where I almost died in a whole foods.... Getting depressed to the point where the only option was to slice my wrists ... But like doesn't everyone feel that way at times ? Maybe I'm just worse at dealing with it and I need to just feel it all and learn to cope in a healthy way... Maybe it will take a while... Years... To get used to the violence...but eventually it will be okay? Won't my cycles just naturally follow the cycle of the moon? All I need is to make sure I sleep in total darkness. I think I'm going to stop birth control too, and acne cream... And food. Fuck everything, but nature.
|
self.bipolar
|
Opinions on medicating for anxiety & other mental health problems. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Youtube Anxiety Community I've been dealing with anxiety since i was 18. It's come disguised in so many symptoms. Fear, disparity, dizziness, depression, heart palpitations, chest pain, being irritable, numbness in limbs etc..
I'm starting a Youtube channel where we can come together as a community and continue to bring attention towards mental health. If anybody would subscribe i would appreciate the support. Thank you
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCIQpspEJ1dG4CAvdvalwn1w
|
self.Anxiety
|
I was in a car accident today, and didn’t even get an adrenaline rush. Is this normal for depression? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I have a test and cant stop studying Hi guys!
I have a test today. It's almost 01:30 am, and I am electric, and I am studying. But I've already studied everything. But I can't stop studying! I have this energy! I can't sleep, I want to study, but I don't know even where to start now, because I have already studied everything. I stopped studying just a moment to share this with you because I want to ask:
Am I freakin hypo???
|
self.bipolar
|
Got diagnosed with PISD Post Infidelity Stress Disorder. It's like PTSD, but for being cheated on. I've been cheated on by every guy I've ever been with. First bf cheated in bootcamp, second cheated after 3 months together after we gave our virginities to each other. 3rd left me for his ex who he still loved. 4th was my ex husband, he left me for another woman and then kicked me out, our son lives with grandparents now. He just had a kid with the chick he left me for. 5th one says he never cheated because talking to a 16 year old girl in Germany asking for nudes and making plans to see her isn't cheating because it's not physical and the age of consent is 16 there.
The mere thought of my SO getting lunch with a female friend, whether or not she's single sends me into a hysterical panic.
I have male friends but I never spend time with them one on one if one of us is in a relationship because I don't want to put myself into a situation where something might happen.
My new bf is having lunch with a girl this saturday, and she has a bf. He told me theres nothing to worry about. But I'm hung up on his wording. How stupid is that. To me, "There's nothing to worry about, nithing will happen" and "You have nothing to worry about, I won't let anything happen" carry differently.
My step mom cheated on my dad and they divorced only to get back together 2 years later. I've been cheated on. I should be able to just shove my insecurities and move on, my bf is not my exes, but insecurities aren't rational.
|
self.offmychest
|
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