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When you (poem) When you're too tired to try /
When going outside makes you want to fly /
When all you want to do is hold your chest /
Crawl into a ball /
Suck it up / says the rest
When people Don't understand and tell you how to be / when you evade all answers and feel like a monstrosity /
Shut the blinds / the outside world / hide away / worry about the morning / upcoming day
Night arrives / should be fine am I right / turns into a turbulent anxiety night / shake my head / am I the only one who feels this way /
Take my meds / daily occurrence of will this ever end / hate this paranoia of internal mindset /
Get told it will get better / how to be / change myself for you to try and frankly that's never the good answer
Day by day / I hopefully I will recover / it's a difficult road / but I'm still here /
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self.Anxiety
|
I (M18) love my best friend (F18) like a sister It's kind of a weird thing, I've never felt this way about anyone but my actual sisters. I've known her (let's call her B) for a while now, but I don't really know when I started feeling this way about her.
Here's a very condensed verison of our story. I started going to a new school a long time ago. I was familiar with 2 or 3 people already, but I didn't know really anyone at all.
But one day at lunch, she asked me, "Can I sit with you?"
"Okay, sure. What's your name?"
"B."
"Nice to meet you, B. I'm (my name)."
Since then, we've been the best of friends. We've told each about each other's problems (family, relationships, mental, etc.), we've held each other when the other cried and we got each other Christmas presents.
For Christmas, I got her a rain jacket (we have an absurd amount of rain in our area) and her son a hat and book. In her son's book, I put a note admitting that I love her.
She saw it, and texted me that she loves me like a brother, and that she'll come get me if I need her. For this, I'm forever grateful, and I let her know that I'll do the same if she ever needs me to.
B finished school last semester, and has moved to another town. Not far at all mind you, she lives about an hour away from where I am. But still, we haven't seen each other for a few weeks, and I miss her.
B's life is kind of a mess right now, won't go much further that that. But suffice to say, she and her son aren't having a good time. We both know there's not a lot either of us can do, but she knows I'm there if she needs me.
Well, this is for you B! I love you and miss you!
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self.offmychest
|
Can't get over this pain Hi guys. I left r/depression for a few months because I thought things were getting better. Now I'm here again. Have you ever been betrayed by someone who claimed to love you? A friend of mine from high school tried to keep in contact with me for over five years since we graduated. I was never good at keeping in touch because of my own issues. But last September, he tried again and this time I reciprocated.
We got very close again over the couple of months we talked. He's in the military and at the time, he was stationed in Georgia. One night, we talked about our feelings toward one another. He said the reason he stayed in touch for so long was because he loved me. Always had since the first day we met. This month, he moved to Colorado. He told me he would buy my plane ticket for me to visit and even told me which days to take off from work. Around Christmas break, he moved out of his apartment in Georgia and came by to visit me before he spent the holidays with family. He did so much for me during those few days. Just little things like buying my grocery, getting me a TV, organizing my pantry, taking out my trash, cooking for me, etc. I couldn't understand it. He talked about us living together in Coloardo and getting married. Worst of all, I gave him my...semi-virginity? We didn't actually have sex but all clothes came off among other things.
So one morning, he left my apartment and that was the last time I saw him. I couldn't get in touch with him for two days until he finally texted me from a friend's phone saying he needed to get a new one and he would text me once he got it. I didn't think anything of it. But after three days passed, I knew something was wrong. Something told me to go check out his ex-girlfriend's Facebook page. I don't know why. But when I did, I saw a picture of them in Washington, D.C. during the same week he disappeared. I finally understood the phrase, "My heart broke."
When he finally got in touch with me, I confronted him. I asked him if he was seeing someone else and he said he was seeing other people. Plural. I told him I never wanted to see him again. I ended up contacting his girlfriend and told her the truth. She said they had gotten married. And she wasn't bothered by anything I told her. She even acknowledged that he was a crappy boyfriend but she said he was working on becoming the "model husband" she deserves. I was totally floored. This is the same woman he chose over me back in high school. He said they had grown apart and they no longer kept in touch. Yeah right. How can someone who was my friend for years betray me like this? How can people toss around the words "I love you" and make all of these promises and just lie to your face? He wasn't even going to tell me. I had to find out on my own. After more investigation, I found out he was talking to other women at the same time he was talking to me too.
I emailed him for the final time a few days ago. He admitted to having some serious issues and he apologized. Said he didn't even love his wife, didn't want to get married and was only with her because they had history. His last words to me were, "You have a good life." So it's really over. And I tried to forgive him but I just can't get over this pain. I'm not someone who has a lot of friends so when I invest in someone, I invest hard. And now it feels like a part of me has been ripped apart. It's all I can think about. No one understands how much pain I'm in. They all think I should be over it by now. Now I've spiraled back into the dark, alone again. And about a month before this happened, I experienced another heartbreak, although nothing as difficult as this one. I feel used, rejected and frankly like shit.
Is it better to be alone? I've been alone my entire life. I finally got a glimpse of what it's like to have someone and it just fell apart in front of me. Now I mistrust everyone I come in contact with and therefore lost another friend. That's my fault. I don't know what to do.
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self.depression
|
just a casual rant about one of the biggest bullshitters (long). There's this man (24/M) who I (21/F) been dealing with for the past year.
We dated last June 2016 - December 2016, and there's one reason this relationship was a big deal for me. I was 19 then and he, let's call him "A", was 24. Owned his own apartment, worked, had all the independence my exes did not. This was a "milestone" relationship that went downhill very quickly due to constant fights and verbal abuses directed at me. We've spoken on-and-off for a year ever since, oftentimes for a month or two before we argue like we did when we were dating. This is due to him wanting to, "work things out and show me he has changed". And I, honestly, wanted that independence in a relationship again.
But something about him has always unsettled and frustrated me. This is where the rant begins.
He was always the person who, if I said I couldn't come over and spend a weekend with him due to studies, he'd say "I'm not upset because you can't come over. I just had a nice dinner planned and a movie picked out, etc." Mind you, he never did any of that "special stuff" when I visited regularly. Just when I conveniently could not as though attempting to guilt me. Every time. Whenever I got upset with him for something, he'd refer to it as me, "freaking out on him". Even if it was legitimate. There was a lot more that went into it, as I said it became abusive, but I'll skip that. I just needed to get that off my chest - that he was a bullshitter.
And he wasn't just a relationship bullshitter. During our friendship period when I told him I'd consider dating him if he'd shown me he'd changed like he said he did... there was a LOT of bullshitting. A lot of him verbally saying, "see, I wanted to tell you ___________ bothered me because I know how you are about communicating". Or, "I stopped talking to ___________ because I want to show you that all I care about is you," (which I'm sure he lied about because he told me one day the same girl conveniently tracked down a new private Facebook account I made and showed him the account to "hurt him". Pretty sure it was either him stalking me or he's been talking to her the entire time). Just a week ago when we were texting, I had told him earlier that day I planned to stay home because of a cold. Then I mentioned like 8 hours later that I was replying slow because I was at the mall (he'd send me like three texts in the timespan of 10 minutes if I didn't reply right away). And he says, "You told me you were staying home today." Telling him I felt like getting fresh air and okay enough to walk for a bit, he says "K". Like... his words aren't lining up with his actions when it comes down to it.
It just irks me because I feel like deep down he's so FULL of bullshit and whatnot. I really wanted to believe things had changed and so had he, but when times are tough, the old him creeps back up again (and when I mention it he tries to justify himself and tell me how different he is from who he used to be). I wanted to remain his friend at least but that never works out because he constantly wants more from me (relationship) and I don't feel comfortable having that with him. I've told him, and he claims to "understand and be thankful for being a part of my life at all", then proceed to tell me a week later how he hopes I'll feel the same way for him. Like a vicious cycle. It pisses me off to no end.
I don't think I plan on dating him again, because he was abusive and I don't give second chances for that... but even just a friendship with this guy, he makes it almost unbearable. :/
|
self.offmychest
|
Need a bit of advice Done something really bad in the past that I now terribly regret! I sent a picture of myself naked to a random person on snapchat(random man). Will I ever get over this or will it haunt me for the rest of my life?
I ament trying to be drastic or anything but should I just kill myself?
|
self.depression
|
DEAR MY FUCKING LIFE You are a piece of shit
I’ll end you as soon as possible
I hate you, fucking life
Don’t you think I’m fucking tired failing suicide attempts?
You should let me die, why are you keeping me in hell?
I am numb, bored and exhausted.
I cannot feel anything but hate and anger.
Please just let me die ...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I hate Myself Right now I hate myself so much. I hate that I have GAD, I am scared I am heading towards depression, I can't lose weight, I am fat, I can't live up to my parents expectations. I hate that I did not mention this to my therapist 2 days ago, and feel like shit because I was too scared to say that this has been going on for weeks.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Christmas is not the same as an adult TLDR: Christmas is not the same as an adult.
I miss decorating the tree with my family as a kid. I miss the excitement of Christmas gifts and the anticipation of seeing others open the gifts I carefully picked out and wrapped for them. I miss the festivity of wrapping presents in a Christmas decorated house without pets puncturing and playing with everything. I miss a tall, overly decorated Christmas tree with no risk of pets destroying it. I miss decorations being everywhere. Christmas decorating was an event and made the house look festive and fun. I miss listening to Christmas music and being all cheery while making things look happy and fun. I miss the Christmas clock chiming every hour. I miss the cheesy Hallmark Christmas movies we watched together. I miss playing in the snow and coming inside for hot chocolate with an unnecessary amount of marshmallows. I miss building massive snowmen. I miss sledding. I miss snow days. I miss week long breaks for the holidays and longer for Christmas. I miss making Christmas cookies and eating way too many. I miss not caring about what I ate for the holidays because I would play it all off and not gain weight. I miss being blissfully unaware of extended family issues and just thinking we were all getting together and having fun. I miss the magic that surrounded the holidays. I miss Christmas.
Now I'm an adult trying to grow the Christmas decorations we have that work with multiple pets. We don't really watch tv and don't pay for it so I can't watch all the new Hallmark Christmas movies that my husband does not enjoy meaning I watch what I find on Netflix alone. I don't really have a yard and have to work so making a snowman and sledding and playing in the snow is not really a thing. I end up decorating alone. I have to save up PTO to take even a week off work around Christmas meaning I am not getting time off throughout the year and the stress is building. Making plans and finding gifts is stressful. It doesn't feel like Christmas anymore because I'm depressed. I need out of this cloud of depression and I need things to feel more Christmas-y.
Can anyone else relate to it not feeling like Christmas anymore?
|
self.depression
|
I had sex for the first time with my (trans) girlfriend tonight and it made me feel all sorts of emotions. We got naked in the backseat of my car and had light sex. rubbing of genitals, kissing of body parts, and we blew each other a bit(I ended up sucking her off more than she did me). It was too cold for us to do much more. To not have this turn into a stupid smut story by accident I'll get right to the point. I cried after it was done simply because I felt so many emotions at once. Fear that I disappointed her with my lack of experience, security in both my sexuality and my adoration for her, and a LOT of anxiety over things or perhaps it was the weather and my anxiety cointeracting. Either way, tonight was a milestone for me and it both created new worries inside of me and made me feel stronger in my own identity. But I do fear being seen as inadequate now, even though she said we can go again later. But IDK, maybe she's happier with it than I think-she has a longer sexual resume than I. But gosh, tonight has put to rest my biggest fear about this- that her being trans would turn me off to sex. It didn't. Also I feel like my fears and hangups about sex were misplaced. Gosh tonight has changed my mindset in so many ways.
|
self.offmychest
|
hi I'm not really sure why I'm here, I'm 16 and a sophmore in high school and I hate myself.
Everyday is a struggle and I'm plagued by thoughts of suicide and I just feel so sad and lonely everyday. I'm not sure why I feel this way, I have a girlfriend and a lot of friends. I feel like I don't have a right to feel the way I do because I've had a privileged upbringing. I cut myself a lot because I dont know how to deal with this pain inside of me. I've talked about it with a few close friends and my girlfriend but I always feel like no one understands me and I always end up feeling self centered and ungrateful.
My parents yell at me constantly and always tell me my grades aren't good enough and that I'm going to amount to nothing. I want to join the military but my parents yell at me for not wanting to go straight into college and i feel my depressing feelings will get me kicked out of the military.
I cry myself to sleep more often than not and I always wake up wondering why I'm still alive. I always feel so weak and pathetic and I just don't know what to do anymore. Thank you random person on reddit for reading this even if you don't really care
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Changing meds I’m switching from citalopram to venlafaxine as soon as I wean off the citalopram. I’m pretty nervous about being off any drugs at all since I had a recent suicide attempt. Can anyone offer some insight on what it’s like to taper off or maybe what venlafaxine was like for you? I suffer from depression and anxiety. Thanks for the help!
|
self.depression
|
Ugh. CW Pity party; me. During a fight over how I had stored neck bone stew vs. how I should’ve done it. My SO told me “You have the confidence of a mediocre white man.” Add that to the night before, “cleaning dishes isn’t impressive, teaching our children to do it is what you should’ve done, you’re a grown adult you should know how to do dishes.”
As I had been feeling pride in my work around the house and am a white man who often feels like I fall on the mediocre to lower side of things... my feelings got super hurt.
Like, I’m still feeling it in my chest kind of hurt. Like, I’ve just been broken up with and am listening to belle and Sebastian on repeat type of hurt feelings. And I hate it.
She’s right, all the things I’ve been patting myself on the back about,.. are all just things functioning adults deal with without comment.
I’ve got this scenario in my head for when she gets back from her second job tonight. I’ll still be feeling bad, probably be distant, she’ll ask what’s wrong, I’ll probably say I’m just tired, she’ll say you need to express your feelings, I’ll say some version of this, she’ll say how my feelings aren’t equal to her real life experience of not having the neck bone stew available, how she’s been continuously employed, that there has been more than one instance of me going off my meds where she had to take care of everything, that she’s held this family together, that watching out for my feelings is not her third job, that if the worst thing she’d been called was mediocre she’d be lucky. There will be so many points, some of which are irrefutable and I’m undeniably at fault for... or maybe none of that will happen; I remind myself I can’t predict the future.
I’ve got more medical, financial, familial, and community support than I’d say the vast majority of people in a similar situation.
So just being mediocre at my best, I feel like it’s all been a waste of resources. So much effort and medication and money and patience. For almost okay, some of the time.
To get to doing almost as well as a normal twenty something now that I’m in my late thirties.
I’ve no desire to kill myself but having magically never existed doesn’t sound too bad. (Brought about by a sympathetic non trisky genie, obviously)
Ok. Pity party over. Dishes to do. Kids to put in bed. Deep breath. Pushing on.
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self.bipolar
|
Medication So I've been on and off several types of medication the past few years. Currently I'm taking 50mg hydroxizine when anxious and geodon (ziprasidone) at 60mg. I really don't like the geodon mostly because it makes me really anxious. I have a hard time sleeping and I get frequent headaches. I've tried abilify before but it made me dizzy. Like super dizzy. I was on lamotrigene for a bit as well. I liked that one the most. It was easier on me physically and I didn't think too fast and hard all the time. But I was allergic to it and ended up with a major full body rash that took 3 weeks to get rid of. I feel like this is a losing battle. When I'm off my meds I blackout and do dangerous things, or I spend all of my money and kill my credit. I'd love not to be that way which is why I'm trying medication but nothing seems to be working. What do you all take and does it help?
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self.bipolar
|
DEAR /R/BIPOLAR: MY BP1 ANGST HAS A BODY COUNT - PART IV These events are all real. This is the only story with fiction, and its like 3% (I literally counted the words that were fiction and you know, calculus or whatever the fuck). TL;DR I was just admitted to a hospital this past Saturday, got my meds and psychotherapy. In short, I am on my way to full recovery and a life as a healthy BP1, but the events in this story made me realize I am still dangerous to myself and others. Luckily, my faith in GOD is keeping me out of prison and above 6 feet.
" *FUCK* I thought. It was 507am, and its a 24 min drive to work, and of course, I ran back and forth upstairs forgetting petty shit, one being my deodorant and another being my one-hitter.
Anyways, I am like 22 miles away from work and this motherfucker (KCD 3291 (license plater from Mass.) decides to ride my ass for no fucking reason. Like to be fair (I guess...) I get that people are late, too, and Highway 777 isn't mine, but motherfucker, you had no idea who you were fucking with....
So I kindly go to the next lane and, me being a petty ass BP1 in recovery from molestation and neglect and SAD, I speed up so he can't cut me off. Well, me being 10 seconds ahead of anyone and 18 ahead of theist fuckheads, I slam on my brakes to jolt the theist fuckhead (It's the bible belt, motherfucker prolly has 3 crosses and an exorcist kit imbedded in his DNA).
Well, now it's on. He honks, and by now my anxiety went from 10 on a scale of 10 to 13. FUCK THIS PIECE OF SHIT. So I chill, right? I back off for 4 miles, then when I see him tailgating another innocent Highway 666 driver, I am FUCKING MAD. So I speed up and turn my lights off right on his ass. Here, that means I AM GOING TO FUCK YOU UP.
KCD 3291, driving like a new, advanced BP fuckface, speeds up to at least 90 like a scared little bitch. So I floor it to 110 and am right behind him. I turn my headlights off again, back and forth; I want this fucker to feel my rage.
I back off for another 3 miles, then hide next to a semi, calculating KCD 3291's every move, because, let's be real, /r/bipolar, I am fucking badass. . . . . I get off at exit 3, let him merge to Spur 754. I know in my heart that he's going to the STRIPES gas station on Yul Lane so I bide my time and calmly devise my next move.
*4 mins and precisely 38 seconds later, I pull up to the gas station and see KCD 3291 get out of his shitty red 2009 dodge challenger (ironic, huh? KCD 3291 has the gall to challenge /u/desolate_divine...)
I wait. And pull out the gas station and park behind bushes across the street with my headlights off. I pull my Joker mask in the dashboard out, put it on calmly, pray, then grab my two knives, brass knuckles that are Joker themed, and wait.
*2 mins and 14 seconds precisely later*
KCD 3291, who is a fat fuck, gets in his car and pulls out rapidly like the BP fuck he is. *Now is my move....
I rapidly pull in front of him without my lights, and then turn them on. I can see in his eyes he is shitting himself. It's MEEEEE!
I jump out without blinking and slip my knucks on and feel my two blades clinking alongside each other.
'Get the fuck out, or I will bust your window and pull you out. You have 2 choices, now pick before I do.'
KCD 3291: Look man I dont want any problems, my bad okay? Shit man..fuck..
**there are no bystanders, there is no help, he is mine and mine alone at this moment**
Me: You have a problem in front of you, now deal with it like a man not hiding behind a piece of shit vehicle. Actually, its technically 5 problems: ME, my 2 knucks, my 2 knives, and my BP1 rage.
KCD 3291: **Gets out**
What a joke, I thought, motherfucker is wearing a My Little Pony shirt.
Me: Give me 3 fucking reasons why I shouldn't fix that ugly ass face of yours, and help you lose 50 lbs. by shitting yourself before I do...GO.
KCD 3291: [crying] I love my mom, I love my job, and I am addicted to Mia Khalifa black gangbang porn.
Me: What is your name, fuckface?
KCD 3291: _____.
Me: Listen up. You're lucky I watch Mia myself. She has saved your penis.
[I slash his tire, then walk up to him with my Joker mask on still, reach in his console and grab his freshly bitten honey bun. I throw it on the ground, pull my dick out and piss on it, grab it with my hand still laced with BRASS, then rub it on his face]
<He falls on his knees crying, his pants soaked in white piss>
Me: Lay on the ground, don't get up for 5 minutes. Trust me, I know, I am a bipolar 1 crazy ass mother fucker, and I have your license [I recite it]. Go to the gym, man, I can smell your fat rolls' grease. Pathetic.
>I hop in my ride blasting KL and drive off<
FUCK WITH ME.*
-Logan James
;This is dedicated to the love of my life, SCK, who is my rock and is back in my life helping me get my shit straight;
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self.bipolar
|
Don't know if this is about me or my friend... [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm running out of reasons to live I know this is going to sound fucking stupid, but today, my psychiatrist said that he will no longer be able to see me because he is moving to a community mental health center and I do not qualify for the treatment the center provides. Plus, the center does not accept insurance.
I was already feeling depressed, but now I just feel WORSE. The one person who has taught me coping skills and who would talk to me at 3am in the morning when I was feeling like fucking shit and ready to kill myself, is gone.
I also don't know if I can even get one of my medications anymore. One of the medications I'm on (Rexulti) is not covered by my insurance. They argue that because Rexulti is only "approved" for Schizophrenia and Major Depressive Disorder, I cannot have it covered because my diagnosis is Bipolar 1. (I've been living off free samples for many months.) It's the only medication that's worked for me... ever.
So now I've lost the 1 person who gave me a reason to keep on living, and now I'm about to lose the 1 medication that actually works for me if my next psychiatrist isn't willing to play the samples game. (Not many psychiatrists want to do the samples thing.)
Fuck. Now I don't have anyone to talk to, as he's gone. And my suicidal thoughts just keep getting worse and worse.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Seeing a Medical doctor before a psychiatrist? I think I could be bipolar. My family has a history of it, my friends have talked to me about my behaivior, and I've taken many of the online tests and always get the same "positive" result (I'm aware these tests are not a diagnoses). I would like to see a psychiatrist, but read that I should see a primary care physician first to rule out any physical causes for my behavior. Is this worth it? My behavior that makes me think I'm bipolar goes back years, and I'm a healthy person. I would be very surprised if it was caused by anything physical. I also do not have insurance so I would be paying out of pocket to see the doctor/psychiatrist.
Also, how am I supposed to go about getting an appointment with a psychiatrist?
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self.bipolar
|
I might not be bipolar or bipolar alone I have had anxiety since I was very young. My mom is the cause. My first episode was depressive at age 15. I was given wellbutrin. By age 16 I had a manic episode which I can now attribute to that. At age 21 I had six consecutive manic episodes but they were all drug induced. I also had 3 manic episodes in 2010 and I’m trying to see if I was on antidepressants then.
Basically my mood now is anxious and when I get very anxious I get very depressed and tired to the point I don’t feel anxiety anymore. None of the meds I ever took seemed to stabilize my mood. I have been on everything. My doctor has been treating me as a mixed state bipolar I. But it’s possible the only reason I went manic is because I have anxiety underlayed with depression and I took antidepressants. This is what my psychologist said. I think I might just have severe social anxiety that has gone untreated. It all started when I was 15 as a result of intense bullying and me being very sensitive. It is also possible I have both bipolar and anxiety. I wish this is not the case because it will be very difficult to treat. I have read a lot about it today as well and I’m just confused but I think I will find the right answer soon
Has anyone else been misdiagnosed with anxiety and bipolar?
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self.bipolar
|
My Doctor said I'm about 60% recovered. How recovered do you think you are? Do you think it's possible to be recovered?.
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self.bipolar
|
Well, I am going to pick up my first dose of Lamictal today... Yay me, I guess. Not sure I’ll have the nerve to take it today, but at least I can have an epic stare down with the bottle for a while. In the meantime, my emotions keep swinging between defeat, disbelief, and hope.
All of these thoughts exist simultaneously in my mind...
I cant manage bipolar on my own, I’m getting worse. I don’t have bipolar, I’ve imagined the whole crazy thing in my head (despite the irrefutable evidence). This medication could help me live a more balanced and productive life. This medication will destroy me.
Can anyone else relate?
I’ve been listening to this song on repeat over the last two weeks while working through this. “Medication” became a duality of self-medicating vs Lamictal, wanting to escape it all but also the comforting message that I can still be me...it’s just medicine.
[Medicine by Daughter](https://youtu.be/U-7-fxCL37Y)
I can do this...I think...damn these scary little pills.
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self.bipolar
|
I just told my mother that I am depressed [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I never expected to have this much difficulty figuring out my sexuality. I always considered myself straight, up until starting university. I've had crushes on girls, so it seemed to fit.
Since then, (3 years ago) I've slept with 1 girl and made out with 2 more, and I felt nothing. I also found myself fantasising about guys. The day before yesterday, I slept with a guy, and I still felt nothing.
I have a really strong sex drive, it's just nothing actually actually feels right. I have no idea if I'm bi, ace, straight, or some mixture of them all.
It's honestly making me miserable; I have this feeling, the closest I can describe it is loneliness for a specific type of companionship. Not hornynees. Kinda, emotional hornynees?
Ether way, I'm stuck needing something, but it seems I'm not wired to find it.
Never thought this would be an issue, but here I am.
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self.offmychest
|
No Passion Hello Reddit,
I'm a 15, turning 16 in February, year old boy, I've suffered from major depression and minor social anxiety for two years now. Ever since I've developed these disorders nothing has interested me and I have enjoyed nothing. People say get out and try something but everything they suggest sounds boring as anything. I also have no motivation and have always been a lazy piece of shit. I honestly don't know how much longer I can take of this.
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self.depression
|
At a crossroads Hi guys. I have read a lot of messages here and I appreciate the support that all of you offer.
Unfortunately, tonight I find myself seeking this support.
I am still in a fairly secure place in terms of work/school with a very supportive boss, and I have a fiance to whom I am committed to and love dearly. This is part of my issue.
What I see in the future is day after day of struggling with uncertainty, being a drain on my loved ones, failing to live up to what a parent should be, and potentially passing on this mental illness to my children, throwing them into a fight they never asked for. I almost feel like my existence is unfair to those around me.
I have thoroughly considered both therapy and suicide, but even if I do push through with therapy, I would still be a disaster of neurotransmission that could fail any day. The difference is that if I killed myself a few decades from now, I would be the father who left his family behind rather than the son who couldn't take it anymore.
For most of my life, I went to bed every night hoping I wouldn't wake up.
The past few months were the first time a concrete plan for ensuring this became clear, however quickly enough, I determined I couldn't do that to myself. I am too much of a coward to overcome the instinct to survive, yet the desire to dissolve out of existence is stronger than ever.
I just fear that, for the rest of my life, all it would take is a moment of weakness, and the stakes just keep getting higher and higher. I almost want to end it sooner than later, before I have too much to lose.
How do you look at a life built on a house of cards, waiting to collapse, and tackle each day?
tl;dr: Scared of living, scared of dying, wishing I could just be Ctrl+Z'd altogether.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I can't feel anything and I just need it to end I literally feel next to nothing. It's been three months of this and I can't take it anymore. For me, committing suicide isn't a spur of moment decision. It's the only logical thing left to do. There's nothing human about living with no emotions.
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self.SuicideWatch
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i hate when im feeling suicidal when im with my SO i hate when i pretend to be okay but i really just want to kill myself but i dont want him to worry
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self.SuicideWatch
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So past me had a good idea. (Trigger warning) [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I'm a guy and basically got raped while on drugs, I really really need to tell this to someone because I'm going crazy I can't tell this to anyone I know because of embarrassment. It's a crazy story that happened and I really need someone to talk with. It basically ruined my life and I just can't get over it. I believe I really got PTSD and had moments I wanted to end my life.
Reply to this thread or PM me if you're willing to let me pour my heart out. Serious people only please.
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self.offmychest
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I'm fucking trash. Thought I had a nice day with friends, but now I'm home and I remembered I was trash. Just ruined an Overwatch match cause I can't control myself.
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self.depression
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I wish you still lived around the corner, friend [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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It's not fighting, when you can't win First post here, and I actually hoped that I never felt like I needed to address these things.
It's new years eve, its 5am here in Denmark. And i'm done.
So long story short.
I was 130kg (287 pounds) at 15 years old. My parents pretty much didnt really care, and all that.
When i turned 15, i knew there was 6-7 months for high school to start, so i joined a gym. Read all i could online. Lost 40kg, at for the first time looked like a human being. Yet, I couldnt get with any girls. I was pretty much "broken" in the head for being too fat and weird. I didnt give it. I read Mystery Method, The Game, practiced all the time, and had some luck. I finished high school, and after that, my genetics pretty much fucked me over.
Keep in mind, I work out 5 days a week. I even became a personal trainer. But my genetics makes it very difficult to lean down all the way, and i also (like my father, and brother) have a pretty chubby face. im in my mid 20's and my hair is thinning so bad, and people keep mentioning this.
Im the ugly guy, in my group, even though im the person who spends most time taking care of myself. But im just "gentically ugly" so to speak. Ive seen so many girls around me, hook up with wrong guys, and "friend zoning" me. I had a crush on a girl, who hooked up with a 20 year old idiot douche, just because he is better looking, basically because of genetics.
I hate this. I dont deserve it. I always try my hardest. Best at my school at software programming, best at most things that I do, because i keep figting for what i want. But I dont wanna do this shit anymore. Im giving up. Im not getting any "wins" with my life. I see myself struggling and fighting so much more than other people my age...
im in my mid 20's. This should be the best years of my life, but im only getting uglier, and I cant take it anymore...
I dont even know why im writing this. Guess sometimes its just nice to feel that you are being heard...
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self.depression
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Palpitations everyday for 2 1/2 months ?!?! Intense fear of sudden death [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I feel asleep when i have anxiety On days where I have constant free-flowing anxiety, I get the sense that I'm 'caged in' and I also sometimes feel an urge to fall asleep. I don't have any urge to move nor any motivation to interact with others. It's like I kind of blend into my surroundings; I feel like I have no soul/emotions/drive or anything. My mind just feels like a blank space. I also notice that I feel drained at the end of the day-- especially brain fog.
I am wondering if this is a normal part of anxiety.
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self.Anxiety
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I’ve noticed my biploar symptoms are way worse when I’m alone. Anyone else? I work from home and I’m recently divorced so I live alone. I’m basically alone 4-5 Days a week. I cry every single night and sometimes even during the day!!
I’m a freaking professional and actually give training webinars to other professionals all day long and 10 minutes after I hang up my training I’m a crying emotional mess. My phone will ring and I’ll answer it all happy like nothing happened. Please tell me I’m not the only one like this. I’m so emotionally unstable but no one would even know it looking at me because I’m fine around people?!?!?
I feel anxiety and panicky at times and mostly just miss my bf who I think I developed a codependency on. I’m a train wreck.
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self.bipolar
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How to cope with an anxiety inducing misconception? Hi, I'm a 20 y/o female and I had been coping quite well with anxiety, I had started avoiding things that make me anxious and only recently been trying to come to terms with them.
One of those things is hanging out with male friends without the fear of being mistaken as a couple.
It happened to me a lot in high school and it eventually led to me being treated as a whore for being with so many guys (whom in reality were just my group of friends), it got to the point where classmates of mine would scream i was a whore everytime i walked by in between classes, for everyone else in school to hear.
I had avoided being alone with male friends (or even making male friends) for around two years now and I knew i was eventually going to make acquaintance with a dude. So I started accepting it and trying to sell myself on the the idea that no matter what others say, I know the truth, so their words shouldn't faze me.
So fast forward to this year. I'm on second year in college and we had a group that mainly consisted of me, another girl and a guy. Problem is the girl got a boyfriend and she now spends more time with him.
This left just the guy and me. We get along super good but I definitely don't like him, and he doesn't like me either, but since we were hanging out, just the two of us, other people on our career started teasing us with the idea that we were a couple. I felt bad about it but I thought that if I ever wanted to have close friends I had to let it go.
Last night I made the terrible mistake of going with him to a show on campus, a few people from my career were attending. The show involved clowns making tricks and stuff to keep people entertained and we were picked from the crowd to participate. From the get go we where mistaken as a couple, and even if we said no, they mocked us saying "not yet!" . I tried really hard to keep it together. Far worse yet, the trick involved us holding hands, which made me even less comfortable, I was about to cry several times during that time but I held it together. Once we got to sit down I just cried very silently the rest of the show.
I got home and I'm a wreck, I feel so guilty for attending, I lent myself for the confusion. what else could I have expected that other people thought if I went alone with a guy somewhere?
I don't wanna face the consequences tomorrow when I run into people from my career and they ask if we're together. Also what if the word spreads?
I really don't wanna go to college tomorrow and I really dont want to hang out alone with him anymore.
I'm sorry this is such a long text, I just feel terribly guilty, terribly bad, anxious about going to college and just very sad
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self.Anxiety
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I went running today Granted it was only a couple laps around my area but still, it helped to get my mind off of everything and honestly made me feel a bit better.
And then when I got home all my housemates ignored I existed and i over heard them saying how depressive I was bring recently.
Thanks universe I see how it is
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self.depression
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I'm trying my hardest I'm too young to be this depressed, I know this gets people earlier but I'm 19, trying to do my uni work but my brain is so foggy and everything just doesn't seem real most of the time. I'm on ssris and I guess I'm just waiting for them to kick in, I'm going to the gym but I just feel like a completely different person than before I was depressed, I used to want do things, I used to be excited for the day when I went to bed and It's like all of that has been taken away from me. My memory is awful and I don't know how I manage to hold conversations, I even managed to do a presentation today even though It just felt like I was a robot. I used to be in love with film and reading and now I can't concentrate on either even when I try as hard as I can. My appetite is tiny. The only thing I can do well is sleep. I can't cry or be happy it's just completely flat. I can't even relax because everything just feels the same all the time this constant state of depression. I'm not suicidal I just want to get better. If I drop out all I'd have got from uni is depression
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self.depression
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Why do people think potential home renters want to live in their basement? Too many people are trying to rent out their basement for thousands of dollars... it's bad enough living underneath someone in an apartment what kind of wacko would pay for their family to live in a basement? Just buy a house you can afford and you won't have to rent out rooms... it grosses me out, I had a friend who got roped into renting a basement "unit" and it was horrible, they act like a 1 bedroom basement is suitable for a family by saying "its close to public schools and bus stations" maybe I'm just weird but I'd rather live in a tent in the woods than be forced to live in some random persons basement, I don't care how much they "renovate" it. its always going to be just some random persons basement that they had no other use for.
and charging $2000CAD + is just crazy, I don't even live in toronto so how can it cost that much to live in a "lower unit"?
I'd pay $2000/month just for some damn privacy...
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self.offmychest
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How come even if you fit into a woman's ideals of beauty and personality, share similar background (same religion,race, etc) and the girl is open for catch, she won't necessarily be interested in you? In particular why would they prefer poor abusive partners who are flatout terrible father material? A saying I once saw from a another person..
"There are a 100 women, 90 of them aren't interested so no matter how interested in them you are, focus your efforts on the 10. That's where paydirt is."
IN my personal experience its true. Now I'll grant in the first place you really aren't compatible with 90% of them because htey're different races, religion, and their personality is way off from yours.
I am curious about one thing. How come even if you're personality is spot on and you're similar in major background aspects (religion, etc) and the girl doesn't have any current crush of boyfriend (or is even a complete virgin in dating), she won't be interested in you? Even if you're her ideals of beauty?
I am just wondering because the common dating maxim is that those similar to each other will blossom in relationship while those too different will fall apart eventually. Its under this assumption that people try to look for those who share same hobbies, etc.
But even in the real world it doesn't work this way. In fact I seen real life stories turn out like Rhett and Scarlett in which no matter how similar the person is and how interested he is in the girl, the girl will never return interest much like Rhett suffered throughout Gone With the Wind. I notice many girls are like Scarlett in that they even choose someone who is far uglier and even worse completely incompatible personality-wise much like Ashley Wilkes was.
I can understand liking someone who is completely incompatible personality wise but why would women chase after loser men who not only ABUSE them physically but are even terrible fathers to their OWN KIDS and RELATIVES? Its one thing to chase a fat poor bum neckbeard. But its a whole other story if your abusive boyfriend smacks your little brother or your fiance is frequently cheats behind your back and use your cash (which you saved to feed your kids daily food) is being stolen for his secret dates!
I cannot understand this logic. At least choose a partner who doesn't smacks your around and lets your kids starve even if he is as ugly and morbidly obese and the complete opposite in personality!
Hell in addition to all this they might not even have cash (often lacking a stable job too)! Fuck I seen many girls go for jobless bums who leech on them sugar mama, leaving them for another girl once the cash gets spent up!
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self.offmychest
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What happens to my student loan debt when I choose to not blast myself? From garnished wages and student loan debt payments I simply cannot afford to live. Please don't give me any shit about trying to lead a fulfilling life. Just need tips on not fucking anyone over I leave behind. What is the process behind this?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Confused on the disparities in life? I have a friend who gets everything he wants, I have another friend who never gets what we wants.
The latter one works his ass off, while the other just sits and gets everything
Why is this so, who decides such things man?
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self.depression
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Anxiety and body overheating? Yes, I DO suffer that much. I have had this problem for a couple years where I feel WAY too hot every single day, no matter what the temperature is like outside. Sometimes when I walk outside and it is freezing cold, I have to take off my jacket because I am too hot all the time even in cold weather. Whenever I sleep in my bed (even in the wintertime), I have to take ALL my clothes off AND put a fan on, and sometimes I am STILL too hot. Even if I do those two things AND have the AC on, it is STILL not enough. It gets worse every single day for me, and I feel more and more hot/ overheated every day, and I don't understand why AT ALL. Trust me, I TOTALLY understand. It is EXTREMELY uncomfortable. I have been taking medicine for it for a long time and nothing has helped AT ALL. In fact it only gets worse the more time goes by. I really wish I could find a solution to this problem
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self.Anxiety
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So i took a lot of Valium with alcohol last night [deleted]
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self.depression
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I love you, but I can't help hating you 12 years is a long time. Nearly half my life as we both turned 30 this year.
You left, without any desire or will to attempt to work on things. No let's try, no let's get help, just no.
You left, 2 years after we vowed to one another across the ocean in France, infront of our closest friends and family that we love one another, would fight for one another, would cherish one another, would work together through the good times and hard times, to be best friends.
You left, 12 years together with very little arguing, fights or indifferences. We are both very easy going people. We were never mean to one another or hurt one another.
You left, stating reasons that I still cannot comprehend, that I am stuck having to accept I will never understand, leaving more questions unanswered than I know how to rationalize.
You left, with taking minimal things from our household. I am grateful you have not tried taking anything that is not morally your be if financially nor physically.
You left, a future we were to build together, experiences we were to share and places to explore.
You left, 3 months ago. Time will heal what you have broken and made me feel disposable, I wish you the best in this new chapter of life you are starting.
I love you, but can't help hating you.
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self.offmychest
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I’m just so sick and tired from being a massive screwup. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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For some strange reason I like being sad Ya. I said it. I like being sad for some strange reason. Maybe it's because I long to feel happiness when sad and now that I am feeling happier, I no longer long anything anymore. But when I'm sad, I desire to be happy, be loved, share my love, and just want someone. I like that. I like the state I get in. I like the fact that my mind is always thinking about things and thinking more logically. I don't know of you guy are understanding what I'm trying to say but ya. This is it. I kinda miss feeling down and being alone with my thoughts and music even though when I'm in that state, I don't wanna be in it anymore. I'm so confusing i know....
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self.offmychest
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I Don't Want To Leave My Bed I have school in like an hour. I really just want to listen to music and then cry in bed. I feel like shit.
I want to have someone to hug. So bad. I would kill for a fucking hug. I want to feel important to somebody.
Fucking fuck shit God damn fuck shit fuck shit fuck fuck. FUCK. Why am I like this. Why can't I be a normal 16 year old guy who doesn't feel the need to be cared for so much. Why can't I just be satisfied with how things are. I feel like a selfish cunt.
I want to just skip school today. I feel so worthless. I keep thinking about all the mean things people have said to me. I remember one time on here somebody said I should hate myself, and need to open my eyes to how shitty of a person I am. It got some upvotes too.
God, I want to believe I'm a good person. When I see someone is hurting I try to help them and I genuinely care so much about the people in my life. I love to make people feel like they're important and I enjoy making people happy. But I am so needy myself and I just wish somebody would return the favor.
This sounds cringey as fuck probably but sometimes I cry in my class. It's only for a few seconds, I cover my face so I don't think anyone sees and then I get a hold of myself. But I wish somebody would just ask if I'm okay or something. Like, everyone says "wow you look like you want to die" but nobody says 'Hey are you okay?"
I don't know where I'm going with this, this was just supposed to be how I didn't want to leave bed and now it's here. Ugh.
Update: Thank you all so much for the kind comments. It really made me feel so much better. I am currently painting in art and feeling alright. Thanks guys 💖
Update 2.0: Wow guys. This really means a lot to me. Thank you guys so much for your kind comments. I don't feel like I deserve this much kindness as there are people going through a lot worse... still, thank you all so so much. I've been feeling worse than usual because of some things that happened with my best friend, which you can read about in some posts I made before, but your support has made me feel a lot better. Thank you all for your kind words. If y'all ever need someone to talk to feel free to message me. I wish you all the best!
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self.depression
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My mind is broken This is the beginning of the end. My mind is split on everything, like two or three people beside my self live in my head. I imagine them as two beings resting on my back whispering in my ear. My mind does not stop worrying about everything. I think about offing myself constantly. When I cut I feel euphoric for 1-3 days. I want to run away from my life. I think of killing others too. I woke up at 5 in the morning and started insulting myself. I’m just tired of my mind not working. Sometimes I almost cry wanting to have a girl to hug; not in a “ poor me I have no gf boo-hoo” sort of way, I just want to have someone to hold, someone with a beating heart to feel. Sorry for all the complaining, it’s just hard to keep it all in.
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self.depression
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Can anxiety cause confusion, starring blankly into space, trouble moving when closing eyes? I've been experiencing these symptoms for 48h, I feel so out of it, as if I've been drugged, I keep having absence spells where I stare blankly into space, loss of short term memory, and my brain has trouble obeying orders when I close my eyes (I.e I'm laying in bed, and I tell myself I need to drink but I can't get myself to move, it's like I am having sleep paralysis without having slept).
I haven't been sleeping well these days either, but right now my hypochondriac mind is kicking.
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self.Anxiety
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that feeling of lightness and relief when you finally decide you're going to do it for real [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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headed to the emergency room of a skin clinic alone to find out if i have sjs as a result of lamotrigine + could use some encouragement I was referred to the best dermatology clinic in the city because of lesions/a rash on my head and am now on my way to be examined
my wife is working and I am going alone because I am too scared to wait but I'm also afraid to be alone if it is something bad
can somebody please offer me some comforting words
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self.bipolar
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My thinking is out of control So I'm in a tail spin.
I am trying to complete a sample of my work for a job in my field that I don't feel capable of doing. And the job is 5 hours away.
I got offered a job and to start training tonight for a bar job just to help pay bills until I find a career, but bar jobs cause me a lot of anxiety.
I don't know if I'm just being a pansy and should just take the bar job and be a responsible adult, but everything inside me is crying and protesting like a child.
I feel paralyzed from all this. I have not responded to the manager for hours and I was up half the night worrying about the career job.
My thoughts are racing and decisions need to be made but I feel incapable. I'm 30. Why am I like this?
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self.Anxiety
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Can we videochat for a while? I just wanna get outta my head for a little bit [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Losing everything. Have noone. alone again on christmas. my ex fiance left me a few years ago for a guy she met online. I started to just concentrate on my career and bettering my life to get past that, however, a few months ago I lost my job. I'm barely surviving on unemployment, cant find a job. I've been in my apartment for months alone. The few friends i thought i had have disappeared. my family is more distant than ever. my entire life is just falling apart and the worst part is nobody cares. I attempted suicide about 10 years ago. After that experience I felt like had I succeeded I would have greatly hurt my family and friends and I fought through my depression for them. Now here I sit alone. no friends, pretty much no family as I havent heard from them in awhile. I just don't know what the point of suffering through this life is if I dont have anyone or anything worth suffering for. I haven't had any sort of physical contact with another person in I dont even know how long I feel almost like i dont exist and am disconnected somehow. I dont have anyone to talk to. I just dont know what im doing anymore
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self.depression
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I have a few days left until I'm discharged from hospital. Day 3 on Prozac/Fluoxetine and feel really suicidal. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I just can't anymore. I quit. I've lost my insurance "because I make too much" despite not making one cent. I'm LGBT in town where that's frowned upon at best and vilified at worst. I live in a country that all other countries hate now. I'm scared to keep going because I know it will just get worse for me and I have no other way out except death.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't want to move to the US I don't want to move to the US, because I have lived there and in Europe, and I have been happier in Europe, and I have felt more in control of my life in Europe. I feel like the government is trustworthy and will help me in my endeavors. However, my boyfriend moved to the US and wants me to move with him. I feel very sad each day as the day of me moving comes closer. I feel like my independent life is about to end. When I told him I don't want to go to the US, but still will go because this is the choice I made, he started to be very defensive about the US even though he agrees with me on the cons. He feels sad that I don't want to go and my confession made him anxious. So I thought the logical thing for me to do is to stop talking about this with him. However I am really sad now all the time thinking this may be the last times I will be able to enjoy all the beautiful cities, good social services, public transit, and social support in Europe. I don't have energy to do anything now, I don't want to finish my studies, and I just want to stay in my apartment and sleep. I know I have to go to the US in order to be with my boyfriend so there is no questions there, but how do I make myself get out of this emotional slump?
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self.depression
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The days are manageable; it's the years that get me Day to day, aside from the struggle with getting out of bed, I can do OK. Put the mask on, survive the day, go home, go back to sleep (I guess I'm what they call high-functioning). The idea that I'm going to have to do this forever until I die makes me want to move that date up a bit.
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self.depression
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Yup, I've finally acknowledged that I'm depressed I've been deflecting and avoiding this for years and years now. I'm slowly hitting rock bottom here.
Nothing I try ever works, I fail at everything. Nothing EVER goes my way, ever. I'm sick of this shit.
- I have a student and credit card debt that I cannot fight despite my best efforts
- The temp agency I work for isn't giving me my full pay despite having called their finance department three times, they said they'd "Look into it". NOTHING IS FUCKING BEING DONE and I NEED that money to continue on.
- Toxic atmosphere at home, parents haven't talked to each other in 2 full months, probably divorcing soon.
- Trying to get my driver's licence? Yup, that's failing too. I've failed the theory test twice in a row.
- Oh and.. did I mention my average / shitty grades? I just did.
- My parents are poor, doing shitty fiancially and unable to pay for my university anymore, I'll probably be forced to drop out.
- I've been alone for over a decade since I moved to this country, no true close friend, nothing, nada. I've gotten used to my solitude by now... but.. idk
I'm just contemplating fucking selling my body or something, get the money I want and be debt free.. that's my main concern. This sucks. Maybe there's something wrong with me, I dunno. Sigh
I don't want to kill myself or anything, but I kind of sympathize with people having that feeling. Nothing I do ever, ever, ever works.
This is the first time I've ever vented on the internet... feels weird.
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self.depression
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It hurts more to be ignored than to be rejected...ugh [removed]
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self.depression
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now it's even worse fAnTaStIc! I feel the worst I have ever felt in my life. I feel like I'm worth nothing, and that I am destined to live in this personal hell of mine forever. I am borderline suicidal, and the only things keeping me going are my crush and my trust in God that maybe it will get better eventually.
This guy tried to untie my halter top today in class, and he stares at me alot. I am afraid that he's going to do something really bad to me. It's like I'm only good for one thing. I feel as disposable as a plastic cup.
My home life isn't great. I don't get abused or anything by my parents, it's my brother. My little brother verbally abuses me and sometimes hits me. We are also quite poor.
I can't escape anywhere. I don't want to go to school but I don't want to be home. My only happiness is my crush/best friend. He makes me happy, something no one else can do. When he isn't around, I can't get through the day. I want to tell him how I feel, but I also have anxiety along with depression so that's not going to work.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost at the end of my rope.
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self.depression
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"To live without hope is to cease to live"- Fyodor Dostoevsky [deleted]
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self.depression
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How am I not supposed to lose my mind when... All my friends' lives are getting better and mine is falling apart.
Don't get me wrong, I am so happy for them. But it eats at you. It drives you insane. It hurts.
My best friend (we're both guys) found someone he loves more than anyone, and her the same. They're a perfect match. They've been spending a lot of time together so I don't get to talk to him as much anymore. But what really hurt me is this...
Today was different. I was having an especially bad day. Planning to kill myself. So I decided to talk to him about it like we usually do. But today was different. He ignored it. He went and spent one of the best days of his life with her. Came to me, told me about it, and immediately left to hang out with his friends. I didn't get to say one single word. Not one. I'm so so happy for him, but I can't help but feel so hurt and broken because he forgot about me.
One of my other friends got treatment for his mental illness.
And another one found out what he wants in life, and has his grip around it.
But wait.
That was not the worst part.
Recently, I've found a guy that I am absolutely in love with. Someone I love more than anyone. He's perfect. But we never talk. We haven't even met. He's a friend's brother so I know who he is, but he has no idea who I am. And I'm absolutely in love with him. But I can't have him. I mean who wants to talk to a depressed guy, right? Who wants to be friends and/or in a relationship with a depressed guy, right? It doesn't help that I'm shy either. I get to watch him from the sidelines, but that's about it. I hate myself. I want to talk to him. I want him in my life so bad. I want him so much. I want to get to know him better. Hell, I'm fine with us being just friends. I love him that much. But for some reason, I just... can't. I'm an idiot. I hate myself. I hate that I'm so depressed that I can't muster up the strength to talk to my crush. I want to, I swear I do. But I'm broken.
And now here I am. It's over, I am ready to kill myself.
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self.depression
|
My illness is going to wear my fiancé down eventually. I know it will. He's such a happy person. So content. He doesn't drink or do drugs, he doesn't need anything chemical to be content in his life. Me? Lifelong anxiety and depression and a serious history of substance abuse. I'm coming up on 5 years sober on alcohol and I can't even feel proud of myself. I hate myself that much. I still need weed, and nicotine to function. I am a hopeless piece of shit addict whether I'm drinking or not.
I've been acting crazy lately, crying a lot, having panic attacks in front of him, telling him I feel like such a piece of shit all the time. And he's been so supportive. So loving. He just holds me and tells me he loves me and that I am worth loving.
I told him I'm scared my depression, anxiety and addiction issues will push him away. He says they haven't and will not. I want to believe him.
I'm so afraid that I will suck the life out of him eventually. He's a better person than me. If I lose him, I will truly have nothing to live for. But I feel like he deserves better than me. Like I'm selfish just for being with him. He is perfect. I don't know why he is with me.
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self.depression
|
Work ironically keeping me alive The only thing keeping me going right now is work and that is almost done. People need me to do my part until next week and they would be fucked without me, so I guess I'll be here until then. Once the projects I'm working on are done, well, that is a good stopping point. My boss is a friend and a mentor to me, so the idea of disappointing her is all that's really there. I guess that is kinda funny: I'm past concern about how my family will be devastated when I die, but the idea of my boss being disappointed in me is keeping me here right now. Once that baggage is gone at the end of the month, I don't know what I'm going to do. I bought a gun to kill myself a couple weeks ago. I hope I can finally use it and just be done. I'm tired of life. It's just a bleak, endless, featureless expanse. There is no hope of it ever being better. I can't do it anymore. I just want to give up. I don't know why I am bothering to try to put my thoughts into words right now. This is no different than any other fucking post here.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Going to enjoy one more quarter of college, no stress, then end it So about me, I am a 21 year old guy who has been battling depression for the last 5 years or so. I haven't had an attempt yet, but for at least the last 3 years I have just wanted to have something else kill me so that it wouldn't be my fault.
My college works on a quarter system, and the winter quarter just started over thanksgiving. I am just going to goof off and not worry about the classes i am taking this quarter, spend time playing videogames and D&D. near the end of the quarter in February I am going to wipe all of my accounts, computers, phone, and other devices, pack all of my stuff, and then I will be done. If I am lucky something will kill me before then, but I haven't been lucky yet.
I know it will hurt people and that is the only reason I haven't done it yet, but I just can't continue
I keep putting it off for various reasons, but now I have a set condition of failing the quarter (failing 1 class means it will be another year in school) and I just lost 20% in one class because I was too depressed to get the first assignment done.
So after posting this I have finally been able to relax more than I have in a long time, just not worrying about my classes and accepting that I won't have to deal with my classes again has felt good.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What the HELL am I screwing up? I can't seem to adjust to my new schedule at work. I'm still depressed over my ex and now having no support network to push me to finish college. I'm making friends but I'm not close to them.
Is there a point you accept defeat? Where you just lay down and realize that it might not be meant for you to do anything other than take orders from your boss and barely get by.
I'm really hitting a rough spot and have been relying on this Reddit for support.
Fuck.
|
self.bipolar
|
Does anyone struggle when moving on from something youve become so used to and a group of people you dont want to leave? I've been in the same job for nearly 11 years now. For 8 years i've been on the same team, with the same people. Obvioulsy some come and go over the years, but there's about 25 of us.
I applied for a new job (internally) which i've always wanted, and got it. Just had it dropped on me that i start in 2 weeks, and a totally opposite team than my current one, where i know nobody. Worst thing is, the shift pattern is the total opposite of what i'm on now, so i will never see my current team again, save for maybe 5 minutes once a week where there's a crossover as they go home.
I'm not very social, so i dont spend any time with them out of work, but within work they were great and i'll miss a lot of them.
For the past few days i've felt sick in my stomach, anxious and even woke up 3 times last night dreaming about this new job. It just makes me feel horrible. I'm pretty introverted and i dont manage change easily. It's worse because 2 other teams would have seen me crossover with my existing one a lot, and i could have handled that. There's no scope for changing or staying, unless i reject the job, and that'd let so many people down, my work life would be hell, heh.
I want the job so much but don't want to go. I've become too attached and it's making me feel so scared and anxious about having to brekeaway from that now :/
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm very angry I might end up comitting a crime. So today in particular was a very bad day, I found out that my sister's husband beated my other sister who has been suffering from severe depression and he kept on calling her degrading terms, while my other sister is watching through the car, he also broke her phone, there were some 2 pieces of shit watching that didn't do anything, he also broke her expensive phone with all the data, I'm very angry and I think I might commit a murder I can't restrain myself.
I also beated my father today because he said my sister deserves it
Sorry I just don't have anyone to talk
|
self.offmychest
|
Zyprexa weight gain... Anyone have any clever tips or tricks for preventing med related weight gain or even how to maybe loose some weight while on these meds?
|
self.bipolar
|
I am afraid. (TW: panic attacks, nausea, stomach problems) Additional trigger warnings: suicidal thoughts, anorexia, diarrhea
Hello Reddit, much love to my fellow anxiety sufferers in this stressful season. I'm wondering if anyone else here suffers from this embarrassing problem.
This past week has been what I have been calling the week from hell. I had the panic attack to end all on the way home from an outing with friends. My heart rate skyrocketed, I had nausea, diarrhea, cold sweats and felt unsafe. Family thought it could be the flu so a few scary hours from 11pm-3am at the ER ruled it out.
I'm medicated now, after four days of being unable to eat much more than saltine crackers. I've returned home (I live in the city and the incident happened at my parents place) and until yesterday had two days of near peace. Some bad fast food made my stomach go insane and I went into another massive panic attack. It subsided after I took laxatives to clean out my system.
I'm constantly anxious. I live in fear of food because I'm afraid of the awful stomach pains and nausea. I know it isn't logical and that I need counselling, but since it's the holidays that is not an option. I am constantly crying, hiding in bed and even though I don't want to, have genuinely considered suicide to escape the pain. Does anyone have any coping mechanisms that help, besides deep breathing (my stomach cramps make that measure impossible)?
TL;DR: my anxiety is making it impossible to eat and I need a way to cope.
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self.Anxiety
|
My mother got mad at me because I had a panic attack, making it worse, and refuses to apologize. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Alone, dead inside. :( Like my title says, i feel dead inside. I'm 28 years old, Army vet, I have a degree and currently work in mental health. I had never felt this way or dealt with any form of depression up until 2015. I was in a relationship with a girl for two years, she had depression and anxiety. i helped her through a lot of it. As long as our relationship lasted, i was really starting to think she might be the one. In the end, she left me to go get with one of her college professors. it took me about a year to get over it. there were days i had to leave work early because i couldn't take it. by the time i got into my car i was crying my ass off. at one point in ended up writing a 3 page suicide note, i sat on my bed with my .45 next to me. i told myself "well you can die right now, or just live". Ever since the end of that relationship i feel like my personal life has just gone down hill. I've tried to date, but i just feel like no females are interested in me. I really don't know why. i take care of myself, i work and i lift weights regularly. I'm a good guy, really. i treat women with respect, but on some level i feel like they want a guy that will treat them like shit. i see it all the time. i just don't get it... there's nothing in the world that i want more than to just not be alone. my heart screams for it. i feel physical pain in my heart and chest. sometimes i feel like maybe i deserve to be alone and ill go and sit in my closet in the dark and just wish that i would just be erased. if you ever met me, you would never guess that i hurt inside. i hide it all behind a false face. when people ask me why i'm not dating anyone, i tell them it's because i enjoy being single. every time i have to say it i just die a little bit more inside. i feel so fucking empty. people always say "oh you'll meet someone before you know it" or "the second your not looking is when it will happen". which is total bullshit. 2008-2013 i was alone 2015 to now, I've been alone. i had the one relationship and then one other i went out with a girl in 2016 (girl i worked with) 7 or 8 times. she didn't want to see me anymore, turned out she liked doing drugs and i wasn't going to do them with her. i mean hell, why even try anymore. most females my age are divorced and have kids and shit anyway. just about all of my friends have someone. i see all their posts on facebook. getting married, finding out they are going to have a baby, going on vacations together, spending holidays together. i just sit there and wish so damn bad that i could find that. i get asked, "hey man what you doing this weekend? "oh i'm just gonna chill man." but really i'm thinking to myself "i'm going to just sit in my room alone." i've tried the dating websites. most of the time i never get a reply back. or if i do it just seems really damn awkward. i feels like going to the grocery store and trying to pick out which piece of meat you want to get. then you seem all kinds of people you know. i don't want them to see me on there, it just feels fucking embarrassing. i have a female friend that uses some site and shit get totally flooded. gets dates no problem, my ass can't even get a reply. i promise i'm not fat or ugly either. i think i'm just fucking cursed. like maybe ill just be one of those people that is alone their entire life. :(
|
self.depression
|
Not Sure If I Care So I'm currently sitting at the top of my stairs with a gun next to me. I keep holding it up against my head every 5 minutes or so but I cant do it. And when other people get home I'll probably just run into my room like nothings happening. It's not that I want to be alive, I just have a small amount of hope things could get better. I'm getting kicked out of my place 13 days from now, Probably don't have a job because I've spent the last 2 days laying in the dark not picking up the phone, I failed out of school after 1 semester, Didn't bother paying for that semester so now collections is coming after me or something, and I think I might have an STD idk. Also I impulsively joined the national guard during high school and that is just a constant stress on my life I can't get out of. I have a great support structure in my life, with great friends and family, and insurance that would cover any mental heath costs. But I can't take any help from anybody. I wont tell anybody about my problems or get help for myself. I don't know how to feel about any of this, and I think I've screwed up for real this time.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Tell me I've done well I'm useless, a burden, a leech. I'm disgusting - both physically and mentally.
I have never achieved anything if my own accord. At all.
So before I go, please just tell me I've done well.
Please tell me you're proud of me, even if you don't mean it. I just want to hear those words, at least once in my lifetime.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
All the good things in the world make me feel that much worse All the blessings I have feel soured by my inability to appreciate them. I've been granted so much kindness and lenience over the years, none of which I deserve. It feels as though good things come to me, wash through me, and come out broken, burnt, or useless. Stepping outside into a beautiful autumn morning immediately transforms into a feeling of dread within me. How many mornings like this have I missed, bundled up inside, wallowed in my own self pity? How many moments of my life have I spent in my own selfish world, unable to fully immerse myself in what so many are unable to experience? Even as I write this, dusk is approaching outside. My friends and family haven't heard from me in days, and I can feel their worries pushing on my heart. Instead, I spend my precious time with myself, wallowing, debating, and scrutinizing my every move.
I've never been one to conceptualize the world in terms of "energies", but bits and pieces of that discourse is starting to feel real. Sometimes I feel like I've been void of energy for so long that I'm a negative space that can turn anything positive into pain, or simply emptiness.
I hate myself with a burning rage I've never felt towards anything else. I can't remember when this wasn't true. As a child, it lingered as an incomplete sentence, a terrifying idea that I might not be able to live with myself. I hoped that with time and age I would grow out of myself into someone else, but if anything I've become more of the same.
|
self.depression
|
Some days I function fine and everything seems "normal", other days everything feels foreign. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I think I would show graditude and die smiling if I had a accidental death any time soon [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
the societal denial of mental illness i really, really just wanted to express how frustrated i am with a majority of people not believing that mental illness is real even after seeing people psychotic going bonkers. absolutely blows my mind. and the whole "power through it it" thing. it's like trying to "power through" driving while you are drunk as fuck. the brain chemicals are so out of whack it is impairing. it's honestly the most irritating response i ever get.
|
self.bipolar
|
I hate being afraid of flying I just walked out of an international airport in the middle of baggage. I was meant to be on my way to see family and friends but now I'm at home just relaxing. I got 3-5 people yelling at me for being a whimp and how I ruined their plans.
I just can't take it. I can't point to any single reason why I am afraid because they all apply to me. I have trust issues probably due to my parents divorce, so I don't trust pilots, or maintanance workers. I don't like situations where I cannot escape, the feeling of not being in control (an illusion) scares the hell out of me.
I am also afraid of death. I am relatively successful at life but haven't tried hard at anything my whole life, I simply got lucky, am I going to die without ever having pushed myself? I don't even know what my ambitions are despite being "successful". What happens when I die? My mother will be alone by herself, is this just an excuse I made up to feel better about myself? I don't know.
My grandpa is in his 90s and wanted to see me. I just high tailed and ran. A long time ago my grandpa sold all his posssessions then used that money to send all of his family far away from himself so that they may all have a better life. I can only imagine the lonelyness this great person through those decades alone in that shit hole of a country while hearing stories about how his daughter got divorced and his grandson growing up in a shit environment. I owe him so much, he still hasn't even reprimated me. I denied him the chance of seeing the fruits of his sacrifice.
I AM A USELESS COWARD.
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self.offmychest
|
My Bipolar Anthem & Fight Song This song has been close to my heart and brain lately. I discovered it a couple of months ago and it still sometimes brings me to tears. Sometimes it firms my resolve to keep fighting. But most of all it makes me feel like I'm not alone in my struggle.
I think everyone with Bipolar disorder owes it to themselves to listen to this song. It doesn't trivialize the disorder, its a heartfelt expression of what it means to suffer from Bipolar disorder and how to fight it when you don't think you have the strength to keep moving.
It's "A Better Son/Daughter" by Rilo Kiley: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B0sy7y54XAE
Do any of you have a "Bipolar Song?"
|
self.bipolar
|
Kinda angry rambling for way too many sentences. Its such a weird feeling to just "get stuck" when just seconds away from a way out of "this".
For example today, i... Gotta say the reasoning behind this thing first.
I'm too much of a pussy to get help normally or to end myself without outside pressure. So im trying to get "something" to happen by causing harm to others in the form of cutting their hand open and causing them a dilemma as to what to do about it as the target is a friend. That plan in all honesty has only positives for me.
Back to example. I stopped just as my hand touched the blade, again.... Fucking dumb isnt it? Trying to replace a thing im too much of a pussy to do with another thing im too much of a pussy to do.
What the fuck was my point?
To another thing i guess.
I finally had the realization of how much i act like a retard. No, even worse, in both mine and friends opinion.
The thing about this is the fact that i dont really have control over those things that define my behaviour as they are largely connected to my constantly growing fear of people. And because its so annoyingly retarded, my social life is and will suffer(ing).
It has been just a bloody fantastic day/week/month for me.
I regret everything, but i cant turn back now can i?
This would be the point of writing where most people would "all movielike" take a sip of some alcoholic beverage all dramatically before continuing the text, but i dont fucking drink! Aren't these bloody confusing morals?
Should probably start some fucken addiction with all this other shite, don't got much to loose now do i!
How the heck did i get this angry while writing this?
Goodnight.
|
self.depression
|
I often think of suicide but ik it's not the answer. I'm a high school senior and I fuckin hate my life and it isn't getting better. Everyone else's has gotten a little better while I'm still stuck inside a hole. It's just unfair and I hate that my life has to be so shit compared to others. This is one of the reasons I don't believe in god
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Stalker-like Regret My college roommate, Y, and I had gotten kind of close. We were both gay and had similar interests, and I thought things were becoming an amazing friendship. I was slowly developing a crush on him, but I knew it had to stop for my other roommates’ sake and a rule of not dating roommates. Our third of six people in the apartment, P, is also gay and would hang out with us quite often. In the past couple of weeks, I’ve drifted from my roommate for some reason and he has been spending a lot of time with our third roommate. They’re coming back together at like 3AM and stuff. I feel left out of the three of us because the two of them come from lower income backgrounds and also speak Spanish. So they’ve been getting close, I’m fine with it since I had time with my roommate and they needed their time to bond. I found it really weird though about how much time they spent together and I was spending significantly less time with either of them. So I’ve been a little curious about their activities and noticed that P had his location shared on Snapchat and I would sometimes follow it to see where he went. So, I decided to check more closely today because of something fishy. P said that he wouldn’t be back tonight because he’s hanging out with friends, and Y said he would spend time with his cousin in a nearby city (which isn’t unusual for him). I was tracking P’s location during the day and saw him at a motel. He said that he was studying wherever he was, but I got the name of the motel via snapchat. At around the time Y gets off work, I notice that P is at his work and this is around midnight, which is quite odd. I know P doesn’t have a car, but Y does and it would be quite odd for them to be together since Y said he was going to his cousin’s right after work. So, at like 3 AM, I leave the apartment for the motel that I saw P was at earlier in the day and I see Y’s car parked there. I don’t know what’s happening, but I will definitely be testing Y next time I see him to ask “how his cousin’s was” when I know he never went. I know this is shallow, but I feel really hurt by this, and it’s bringing back high school flashbacks of a very similar situation if they are indeed hooking up. Additionally, P knows that I liked Y and am getting over him.
TLDR: My two roommates might be hooking up against our policy of not dating roommates. I used snapchat as a way to track them down and will confront one of them about it when I see him next.
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self.offmychest
|
I keep crashing hard. I'll have a few good days and then fall back into a deep dark low. I know I'm too dysfunctional to really actually do it, it'd require getting out of my daily routine and that's just Too Hard, but I still want to. I don't know how much longer I can keep holding on for the sake of not hurting someone else's feelings. I kind of resent them sometimes for it, but it's not their fault they're the only thing keeping me alive.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Waves of immense sadness Sometimes i get these waves of immense sadness. I remember having them as a kid. It doesn't occur that often now as it did then. I noticed that it happens when i'm dressing up or know i'm going out somewhere. for some reason, that seems to be the trigger most of the time, sometimes it's not.
When i was a kid, i didn't think of it much. It's like 'this happens and i'm sad for some reason'' and it lasted briefly. 5 min max. I googled these waves and experiences were pretty similiar to mine from what i've read. But people there seemed to be on some medication and i never was.
I was as young as six, when i remembered the feelings of these waves. It felt like pure sadness and dread. It would get me so out of nowhere too. My heart would suddenly feel too heavy and it seemed like it would slide down from all that weight it was suddenly carrying.
I kinda felt like i wasn't in my body either. Nothing too extreme but detached kinda. Like i was talking normally and moving normally too, but it felt like something was doing that for me and i was so small in my body, somewhere in the background, watching.
Just wanted to share that's it
|
self.depression
|
A poem of sorts I'm 19 years old.
I've seen a lot, and about three quarters of it was really there.
I have seen the highest peaks, I have seen the darkest valleys, I have seen love and hate, I have seen overdose and sobriety and relapse and sobriety again.
It gets dark in my head.
Insanity pleads with the reasonable, rational part of me that knows that the demon in my head is a construct of my overactive imagination.
Doctors call that psychosis.
Well, the demon wants blood regardless.
I am everything and I am nothing, I am light and I am darkness, I am a manic mood swinging motherfucker and I am a nihilistic misanthropic asshole.
Please don't send me back to those cold white rooms full of Broken Hearted Teens with eyes like concrete and smiles like broken glass. I'll be a good boy, I promise. Maybe my lithium levels are off, or maybe I've had too much caffeine, but I'll be good, I promise, don't send me back.
I don't belong in there.
But I don't belong out here either, with these single serving friends, these artifical cardboard cutouts, these neurotypical robots. We both know I can't hold a job, not when I'm motormouth jetfuel and not when I'm hollow eyed and empty. We both know that I cannot sustain a relationship, because psychotic deulsions are not exactly a chick magnet, and I refuse to drag anyone else into this maelstrom that is my life! We both know that I could not possibly exist in a state of stability for more than a week at a time, regardless of how many pills I take.
And we both know that bipolar disorder is a chronic illness that will not go away over time.
So why bother?
Why bother?
Because the good days are so, so good.
Because some days I wake up and I am connected to the universe, in a state of oneness, and the sunrise is screaming my name. Because some days my brain chemistry is off in a good way, and the universe blesses me with the perfect cocktail of seratonin, dopamine, and nicotine, and everything in this world seems exactly as it should be.
Why stay alive?
Because it's a challenge, and there is power in surviving a day that many could not, and then waking up and doing it again.
I have lived through ups and downs, I have seen the world inside out, I have found meaning in my suffering, and I am the one who will not die.
Not yet.
|
self.bipolar
|
Does anyone else just feel like there's a dark figure always following them? I don't believe in the metaphysical or anything like that, but I can't help but feeling like it's impossible to break this. That some kind of brooding monster is stuck with me. I know it's not real, but it just feels like there's something... there. At all times. I've tried my entire life and can't get rid of it.
It's like whatever mental health issues I have manifested into a person inside my own head that is nothing like me. The real me. I've changed so much in years to how I was before, but I always felt the exact way about everything... but recently it's just gotten so bad that I can't stop thinking about ending it. That there really is no point.
|
self.depression
|
I just want to turn it off I feel weak because I’m not in some deep pain.
I just want to sleep and not wake up.
Like life is a computer game I can’t figure out how to turn off.
I never thought I’d live this long, I wish I hadn’t.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I can't get out of bed there's nothing terrible or dramatic that made me like this so I don't feel like I have the right to feel like this but I was doing one of those anxiety tests and one of the questions was phrased something like 'how often have you had less interest or pleasure in doing things over the last two weeks' and I didn't realise that it was an issue because I've been like this for almost as long as I can remember. everything I do just feels like filler material. what's the point? my sister suggested I go see a therapist but I don't have time for that - I'm in my final year of uni- but I can't get out of bed to do work- but that's even less time how would I fit it into going for therapy I wish I wasn't this useless how do people make it look so easy to just keep getting up every day?
|
self.depression
|
I’m scheduled to take a gun course and from there I would like to buy a firearm. Im worried if they will inquire about my mental health. I was diagnosed two weeks ago with unspecified bipolar. I don’t even know if that’s real 😡😡😡
|
self.bipolar
|
Lost. No idea what to do. This past year has been the worst of my life. I'm completely lost and unsure what to do. My wife left me a year ago after her feelings seemed to change and me acting out, especially when drinking, because I felt a lack of compassion and feeling distant. I recently quit my job as a counselor as I feel like I need to help myself and used all of my emotional energy at work. I've been looking for something else but I feel no motivation or purpose for anything. As much as I have contemplated suicide I couldn't do that to my mother or daughter.
On that note, I remember reading a post that talked about what you would have missed if you committed suicide a year ago. And I tried to think of positives but really I was a whole lot happier before it. It has changed my view on the value of my life and what's worth it anymore. Honestly it seems that I'm not worth it anymore.
Being without my wife has destroyed me. She was, and in many ways still is, my everything. I'm trying to fix it but I can only control myself and I can't make her change.
I feel like I lost my self concept. I don't know who I am, I don't know what I like, and I don't know where I want to be. I've been trying to find something but I never get the feeling of happiness anymore. Only despair. I'm just lost and I have no idea what move to make or why I do what I do.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm useless. I'm highly disappointed with myself. I feel so frustrated... I give up. I'm useless even for such easy things like driving. At this point of my life, I realize I'll never be happy. I'm done; I just give up on everything. And I'm so scared of keep trying. I'm so tired of crying all the time. I'm having a lot of pain right now. Sadly, I can't even end with my life because I'm such a coward.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Tired of having anxiety Im tired of this feeling of just the world collapsing on me. Having issue catching my breath feeling like i am going to cry my meds not even helping anymore it feels like. I been waking up every night freaked put chest tight and crying. I just cant take it.
|
self.Anxiety
|
How do you guys raise your doses? So I used to be on Prozac and seroquel (I'm still on the seroquel, it's doing a good job) but I recently made a switch to welbutrin after my prozac took an evil turn. It's been two weeks and I can tell the prozac is completely out of my system now. My hypomania and increased anxiety are gone now, but I've also become very depressive. I am crying almost every day and before this week I hadn't cried in months. I'm sad I'm depressive again but I'm glad the hypo and the anxiety are gone. Unfortunately I'm below the therapeutic dose on the welbutrin still, and I tend to swing really really low, so I want to start upping my dose asap. But I can't do asap because what if I go hypo anxious million miles an hour mind again?
Basically I'm just wondering how you guys up your doses, how long you and your pdoc wait to go to the next dose? Is it a couple weeks? A month? Which length of time works the best for you? I've made med changes usually at two weeks but I'm a little wary after my prozac madness.
|
self.bipolar
|
Coffee - woah I didn't have any coffee over the holidays so decided to kick caffeine and continue that into the new year. I had been feeling pretty good since then, but today I made the classic 'one won't do any harm' mistake. Woah do I feel it. Little hints of the old balance and coordination issues abound that I hadn't felt since last year. Lesson learned, coffee is just not a good idea. I noticed I don't feel any less tired without it anyway. Instead of being level all day it puts you back on a ship in high seas. Avoid.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I hooked up with the hottest guy last night! Ok so I’m a very sexually actively 27f. Its fair to say I’m not the most attractive female. I think my face is pretty, but I’m over weight, and dont have the best body (I just lost 30 lbs tho, a lot more to go). Well I have my share of one night stands, hook ups, and some fuck buddies. All these guys I find attractive and I’m kind of addicted the excitement of it all. I just got out of a long term relationship and I’m looking to catch up in some fun.
Last night I started talking to this really good looking guy, 21, on tinder. We added each other on Snapchat and we exchanged some pics and talked. I couldn’t believe he was sending me pics and he was hotter than on his profile! I was 60% sure I was getting catfished.
We made plans for him to come over that night. Usually it takes a lot more for me to agree to meet guys from tinder, but.... fuck he was so hot!!
I was so nervous but we had a really good time and damn I hope I get some of that again.
|
self.offmychest
|
tired i know the pain just gets passed to other people, but that's okay. i don't think it's selfish, or wrong to make a choice that is personal to you, and only you. It's not bad to want pain or numbness to never be felt again. No one will ever know you better than yourself.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I wish I wasn't such a pussy. I want to just end it.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My life is falling apart so quickly and I can't stop dissociating. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
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