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I often worry I am going to go to hell when I die, other times I just realize I deserve it
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self.SuicideWatch
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Nocturnal panic attacks Hey there,
I had a traumatic event in my life that knocked loose a lot of dormant fears about death. Two months after this event I was in real bad shape and having lots of anxiety, panicking every two hours. I went to therapy and it’s been super helpful! I’ve read a lot and dealt with my death anxiety. My therapist scheduled our next appoint for a month from now where we expect to terminate after a very short session.
I don’t want to sound like I’m in denial about my condition. I truly feel really good about life and go through my days without a single attack or anxious thought. HOWEVER! When I go to sleep, no matter what I do beforehand or how at peace I feel, I have been waking up in a panic attack.
My brain feels really weird, like parts of my head feel pressure and I’ll have crazy racing thoughts that don’t make sense and make me feel like I’m crazy. This usually happens an hour after I fall asleep. I am able to go back to sleep half an hour later and sleep soundly through the night but it is distressing.
Do I have reason to hope that this will go away after a while or should I just learn to live with panic every night :( ?
Thanks!
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self.Anxiety
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I feel so alone in this world, even though I'm almost always surrounded by others. I feel judged everywhere I go, like I'm some social pariah, even though I know in the back of my mind that barely anyone gives me even a second glance. Is there anyone else that feels this way, or is it just me?
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self.depression
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I’m feeling very hopeless and having suicidal thoughts and it’s scaring me My life is a mess. All of it except for my romantic life, but even that’s getting messy. I have no friends anymore, an awful job, school isn’t in my plan because they messed up my financial aid again, and i have nobody except for my boyfriend. My mom is emotionally unavailable, my dad is dead and i miss him, my brother takes advantage of me, and i just turned 19 and am financially/cleaning wise responsible of an entire house. I’m getting no calls from jobs good and closer to home, i got blown off for an interview yesterday. My hair won’t even hold highlights.
While i drive lately, I’ve been picturing my suicide. I’ve been picturing my funeral and how not many would be there. It’s my dog and my boyfriend that are keeping me going, and they’re just barely keeping me holding on. I’ve been wanting to self harm more and more lately and struggling not to. I’m trying to find a therapist but can’t because my medical insurance is awful.
I don’t know what to do, but I’m not okay. I had a bad suicide attempt when i was 14, and I’m nearing the point where i was back then.
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self.SuicideWatch
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enough is enough well my marriage feels like shit. and i am no perfect man. i was told i had to change to be better yet i see no change in her. well...fuck her. the realization that i need to better my self. physically, spiritually, and mentally. if she does not change then that is on her. at least i can say that i did. i am doing this for me and m daughter. now to find an accountability partner.
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self.offmychest
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Should you take anti anxiety medication with aDHD medication? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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High Sex Drive but No Pleasure - Lamictal (BP-2) Hey guys,
So I'm in a bit of a bad place right now. I've been on Lamictal for over a year and a half (200mg), and now that I've started going off it (at 125mg at present), my depressive episodes have increased exponentially. Surprisingly, my sex drive has skyrocketed as well.
The problem is that ever since I started Lamictal (1.5 years ago), I've lost the ability to gain pleasure from sexual stimulation - whether it's kissing, fondling, masturbation. I haven't tried oral sex, and I'm a virgin, and I'm pretty adamant on having sex only once I'm in love, so... you can imagine my frustration, especially because as it turns out, most people my age and over (21+) aren't virgins and don't wait until they're in love to have sex - which means no guy would be willing to wait for me (and I have had guys stop calling me back for this very reason).
On one hand, I'm calling random guys from Tinder over so I can at least have *some* level of physical intimacy, whether it's just cuddling or hardcore making out, and on the other, I don't enjoy it as much as I need to in order to be satisfied.
Has anyone experienced high sex drive during withdrawal and extreme lack of pleasure while on Lamictal, and if so, how do you deal with it? I think I might have to go back up to at least 150mg because I'm really not doing well, so going off meds to combat the lack of pleasure (which is what my pdoc suggested) doesn't seem to be a possibility anymore.
This sexual drive is akin to what I feel when I'm hypomanic. It's that bad. I don't know what to do, and I'm afraid this sexual frustration might make me do something I regret.
Any advice would be really appreciated.
Thanks for reading my rant. xx
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self.bipolar
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What the hell works? Why is finding a solution in such an information rich era so difficult? With all of the people on this subreddit alone, you would think there'd be a great solution to all of our problems. After having been through the throws of therapy and medications, nothing has had a lasting impact on me so far. I still feel numb and distant from others. I hate being a jobless loser living at home in my later 20s, but dealing with people never goes well for me. Everyone hates dealing with my lame ass, so getting anywhere with employers, friends, or even family is impossible. Would someone just tell me what the damn answer is? Am I not loving myself enough? How do you even do it? Do I need to force myself into more uncomfortable situations that make me feel like an outcast? Is everything an illusion of the mind? Should I try LSD and reset my brain? Why is finding the solution so fucking hard? I can't deal with this pathetic life of mine. I want things to change, but I don't know how to change myself. Why am I so messed up? Where's the solution? Is there a solution? Is there even a reason to try looking anymore? I don't know what else to do. I just wanna give up.
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self.depression
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Feeling deeply hopeless Don't know exactly how it has started, but the thing is that I feel completely angry and bored all the time, I have thought about suicide for several times, but I won't do that since I know a few people love me and still believe in me. I'm not being able to deal with job, college and relationships. I don't feel like doing anything in my life, I don't expect myself to getting a good job in the future, becoming rich or traveling around the world. It seems there isn't any driving force that makes me go on.
Recently I started drinking a lot, I'm getting low grades on my University and I'm wasting a lot of money due to the alcohol addiction. I get drunk almost every night and I throw up all the mornings. I'm just feeling completely lost, don't know what to do about anything of my life.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Do any of you have suggestions for getting a more normal sleeping pattern? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Lover. We broke up today. I'm moving into a friend's house tomorrow, and I'm probably an idiot but I'm letting you keep the apartment and our cats to make it easier for you. How sad is it, that after finding out you only dated me to spare my feelings of breaking up with me for over a year, I'm still willing to sacrifice anything and everything to make your life good.
I'm sad that you're leaving, and to be honest I'm not 100% sure I'll be okay. At least I don't feel like I'm going to be okay. You gave me everything I needed to be who I am, and I feel like it's all been ripped away in one fell swoop.
You say you want to be friends with me, but I can't picture being friends with you. When I picture you, I think of love, intimacy, and feelings that words can't describe. I don't picture, "friend".
Regardless, I have no choice but to leave the life we've built together. You keep saying you want me to be okay, but I can't make any promises.
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self.offmychest
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I think I'm having my first "crush", and I really wish I wasn't. In 20 years I've never had a crush until now. For a while I thought I might not really having feelings for people like most people do. I've never had to deal with being nervous around the opposite sex or had to confess to someone I liked. I honestly thought a lot of the ways they portray people having crushes on TV was over dramatic and way played up for the story.
This doesn't even make any sense. He's about 6 years older than I am, we work at the same company and he's currently training me, and he's seen me totally make a fool of myself awkwardly trying to get through learning this job. And as it turns out, I absolutely hate having a crush.
My stomach feels sick and I can't focus and I act like a fool when I'm around him. There's no chance that I could pursue it anyway, but I also hate the feeling of knowing that he's probably just being nice to me. I can't help but analyze everything, like if he even just says hi to me I start instantly imagining it's because he's definitely interested in me. If we have a conversation it must be because he's into me, right? I feel like I'm a middle schooler. Like maybe I'll just pass him a yes/no note or start doodling his name in my notebook. I fucking hate it.
I know that most everyone has felt this way before and it's such a ridiculously silly thing to come here and vent about, but it's the first time I've ever felt this way and it's so fucking overwhelming. I just wish I could stop thinking about it.
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self.offmychest
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Give up? When is it ok to tap out? Honestly just had a pretty great weekend but now that it's over I'm starting to realize my life only has a few happy moments here and there compared to the 85% misery so my question when is it acceptable to just say screw it all? All I can really ever think about is dying and it's starting to take a huge toll on me
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self.SuicideWatch
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Do you ever feel like every action you do in front of people, makes you feel like you're bothering them? Like for me, asking a simple question makes me feel like I'm bothering them.
In some cases, if I didn't have money to eat with friends, I would rather lie and say I'm not hungry because I feel like I'm mooching.
This might be my own anxiety but I just wanted everyone's opinion.
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self.Anxiety
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Need help with relationship[Long] Hello Folks,
I am a guy (29, introvert'ish) who has never been in a relationship before until I met this girl on tinder. We matched with our interests and gelled well very soon.
On our first date (7 months back) itself she had told me that she has (or had) depression and I plainly ignored to ask about the extent of her depression (it's the first date who would want to ask).
Over the next two months only once or twice I saw her under the cloud, and I thought I can support her through this. But on the third month when she stayed over my place for around 3 weeks I realised the extent of her depression. She would get angry, rude and cut herself on multiple occasions. I got her to talk to counsellor but that did not help much. But otherwise she is really adorable, beautiful and intelligent girl.
Her depression is mainly associated with:
1. How fat she looks.
2. She feels lonely and nobody loves her.
So, with this condition she refused to give her final medical exam for 3rd time this January. And only in this March she got some treatment for her depression. And since then the frequency of her panic attacks have reduced to once a week kind of.
Over these many months, I really wanted to support her and it gets VERY difficult to talk to her when she is under depression. It leaves me sad and emotionally and mentally drained. And me not being a talking person, doesn't help
much in consoling her. I feel like my love for her has reduced and now I only want her to finish off her final exams this June. But, I do care about her.
I dont know how to proceed with this. Help!
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self.depression
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About to run out of my medication I was institutionalized almost 60 days ago and diagnosed bipolar and prescribed lithium and imipramine and moved states once I was released. The soonest appointment I’ve gotten to see a PDoc is Dec 14th and I only have a week left of medication. Someone suggested going to the ER and trying to get a 30 day script from the to bridge me until my appointment. Do you think that would work or have any suggestions as to what I can do?
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self.bipolar
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Shit I just got paranoid I just realize that I in my crazy times, aka manic, have made me really lay out all off my life. And how much fckd up I have done to my life, fck! I still feel like people have nothing against me. But shit, some of the shit I have said and done, it fcks me up a bit, haha. Trying to not write so much shit online. Was thinking about writing on paper. And I am off social media stuff forever. I just need to move to another place and another country asap, not to leave behind what I have here, but to experience something different.
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self.bipolar
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Didn’t plan on making it this long, but I’m here and glad Not too long ago I did a very stupid thing and tried to end it all. My life as I knew it was at an end; essentially all of my highschool friends now hated me, my at the time boyfriend had raped me, I had exams that would decide whether or not I could continue my education, and there was a high chance I had a tumour that was likely to hospitalize if not kill me by 2020. I couldn’t trust anyone anymore, and nothing seemed to matter. Life was pointless, and I tried to throw it all off a bridge (metaphorically and actually.)
But I failed, and spent the next two weeks trying to understand what I was supposed to do. I didn’t plan on being around for Christmas, or seeing my family and actual friends again, or anything, really. I felt cold constantly, like I was a corpse that came back to life. No purpose, nothing.
But for the last week, I’ve been making changes. I cut off Facebook and Instagram, I confronted my ex, told my family about my depression, got a diagnosis and surgery date, and got rid of all the people that made my life a living hell.
I made it to Christmas, and I plan to see at least 40 more Christmas’s in the future. I know my depression isn’t gone, but I’m going to fight it, even if just out of spite.
So for all the other people out there who thought their life was done but have lived to read this, or those considering giving up, merry Christmas. It will get better, so keep on fighting it.
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self.depression
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Is there that one person that keeps you here out of love or guilt? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Depressed helping depressed Right now I find myself in a weird spot in my life. I’ve been dealing with depression for almost 8 years now and I still feel like I can’t get my head above water at times. I’m currently a mental health counselor but I’m just starting out and feel like I’m not good enough at times. I feel like some of my clients may look at me like “she’s younger than me, what does she know?” But other times I feel that things are good with different clients. It’s a constant up and down.
I’ve been managing for a good while now but the fact my bf has not been happy with his job and depressed now and miserable makes me question myself even more. Hearing “I know you’re trying to help but you’re really not” felt absolutely terrible. For me who tries to always help others even if I can’t, being told that hit me in the face as we were lying in bed. I wanted to get up and cut. Something I haven’t done in 3 years. But it’s crazy to think how one little thing from someone so important can knock you down and knock the wind out of you.
As I’m getting ready for clients today here at work, I find myself isolating, not even opening my office door. I want to curl up under my desk and cry. I want to just go home and forget about today. I told my bf how last night that life does suck but we have to make the most of it when we can. I feel like such a hypocrite. Since I’ve been managing for so long and feel myself just going backwards when I’m supposed to be here for others. 💙😔
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self.depression
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I didn’t even want the dog, so why can’t I stop crying? When we first got married, my wife wanted to get a dog. I didn’t want a dog. We compromised, and got a dog. I didn’t was to have the responsibility, or the extra costs. My wife wanted something to give her cuddles.
By two months into having a dog, he of course loved me best, because such is fate. It also helped that I took him on walks every day, which my wife wasn’t interested in. So we bonded that way.
The other reason I didn’t want a dog which I didn’t really want to mention to my wife, but I had a dog growing up and she died when I was home from college one day. It was devastating, so much so, that I didn’t want a dog because some 10-15 years down the road it would either die or I’d have to put it down. I eventually told my wife my concerns, but she thought that was kind of silly to deprive myself of having a dog just to avoid its death.
Well we’ve had our dog for only 6 years, he was about 2 when we got him, a rescue. And he hasn’t eaten all weekend. This morning we took him to the vet to find out he’s incredibly anemic. The vet was surprised he was able to walk. He’s been off his game, but he’s a stiff upper lip type, doesn’t seem to complain much. I figured he had a cold or didn’t like the cold weather. When he kept lagging behind on his walk on Saturday I got worried. Then I noticed he was pale. How can a dog be pale, my wife asked. But the inside of his ears and his belly were white like a ghost.
So I ended up breaking down crying at work like three times, then again on the phone with my mom. Now I’m home with the kids while my wife takes him to get an emergency blood transfusion. They’re still not entirely sure what’s wrong. It may be solved with a transfusion and some antibiotics, or it may be terminal.
I love this stupid dog. He’s not the best dog in the world. He’s been mean to people on occasion, he’s not super lovey, he doesn’t want anything to do with the kids we ended up having, but he was still my dog. We understood each other. I knew exactly what his grunts meant. I could tell what his barks meant. He’s got a different bark for “danger people!” And “squirrels!!” And even “hey wait up deer!” We walk in the woods, where we’ve seen deer a few times.
He’s got a specific whimper for when he wants to go for a walk. A whimper I usually hate because it means I need to get up and go outside earlier than I want. He’s been so tired lately I haven’t heard that whimper in a while. Never thought I’d miss it.
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self.offmychest
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The final fucking straw. After several months of suicidal thoughts because of how much of an irresponsible asshole I am, I decided yesterday that I was going to give myself one last day to actually do something with my life or that I was going to kill myself. Because if the idea of jumping off a 16 storey building can't motivate me to do my work, nothing can change me. Guess what? I fucking failed. I don't know what to do with myself now. I might do it tonight. Or better yet, I might procrastinate out of committing suicide too!
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self.depression
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Guys I don’t know what to do anymore I’ve had this brain fog for 2 years now, and i can’t deal with it anymore. I need to get read of it, I’m fucking desperate.
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self.depression
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Anyone sign up to have their brain donated to research? Just read an article that mentioned this offhand.
I definitely would want my brain to be given to research specific to mood disorders, instead of the general donation I am planning to sign up for.
Any tips or other things I should know about?
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self.bipolar
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Maybe I should quit masturbating... I don't find it morally displeasing to masturbate. In fact, I really don't see anything wrong with it. Maybe I sometimes wonder if it's something inappropriate or awkward to do (I'm still a teenager btw) but I'm fine with it except for one thing...
...It eats away all of the time I have and it sucks. I've gotten this habit of doing it at least once a day, sometimes more, and it probably wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't so slow at it. Without porn (and I usually jack off without because no matter what I do, those questionably lewd ads always appear on my computer afterwards) it can take me a good 20-30 minutes to orgasm, and unfortunately it can burn me out so much afterwards that I fall asleep... which is another hour wasted.
There was so much stuff I could have done today... homework... studying for finals... my eagle scout project... but NOPE, I have to take the 20 minute drive home instead JUST TO MASTURBATE. Combine that with the times I just gave and that's 1 2/3 hours wasted.
Ugh. I need to manage my time better, and I guess it's either cutting off this or the Internet.
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self.offmychest
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how to handle a breakdown of a suicidal friend? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Racing thoughts Hi bipolarreddit,
I am 33, male, with bipolar I. I am on Lamictal, Vistaril, Invega and Mirapex (for medication-induced restless legs, which EVERY antipsychotic gives me).
I have trouble with racing, repetitive, and intrusive thoughts. No medication I've been on seems to help. My thoughts constantly spin out of control when racing, and it produces a constant background noise that keeps me from enjoying life or even being present in my own body. Sometimes it gets so bad that I feel like I have multiple streams of consciousness happening simultaneously, like my brain is on multiple cores in a CPU.
My brain also repeats things. Songs, movies, quotations, jokes, puns, whatever. If my thoughts are already racing, chances are I am repeating something or a song is going through. I have read this can be a symptom of OCD, but it's been ruled out by psychiatrists before. Same with ADHD.
Intrusive thoughts happen less often, but they exist, especially when mania hits its maximum. Things like killing someone, torturing animals, whatever...sick stuff. I never, ever act on it, but my understanding is normal people don't experience these.
Anyone have any luck breaking this cycle? I am open to both medical and alternative methods, as nothing I have tried seems to work. Meditation only lasts a couple of minutes before the racing thoughts break in and stop me from continuing.
Thanks,
MidnightSysadmin
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self.bipolar
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im a whore i've been sleeping around and degrading myself to cope with this shit life. im drunk. not drunk enough. say something idk what i want you to say just anything please. just want tp hear from someone
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self.SuicideWatch
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Thought I was gonna stop self harming after getting out of a psychiatric hospital Well here I am cutting myself during Christmas. I thought I was gonna do ok since I got most of my bipolar meds fixed when I left the psychiatric hospital almost two weeks ago. Today I had fun with my family, went shopping, and had a couple of family members drop off gifts. I was having fun with my little sisters and brother. A while later my family and I went to a neighbor's house to have a get together. I left a little earlier so I could finish my friend's gift. I was feeling uneasy and suicidal during the day and I finally cracked and started cutting myself. When the family came home I covered up the cuts and smiled and played with my siblings a bit more and now i'm in my room. I'm not proud of this one and I don't think it's the best time to tell my best friends what I did (they helped me during my deepest depression and know every part of me). I felt so normal today but at the same time I didn't.
TL;DR: Thought I had my bipolar meds in check, self harmed today and feel slightly ashamed
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self.depression
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I’m too anxious to tell my psychiatrist about most of my problems. How do I open up to her? I wan‘t help but am too scared. I‘ve seen my psychiatrist a couple times so far, I went to her because I wanted meds for my ADD. Since the first appointment I knew that I have other mental problems too, but I never really spoken up to it and it was hard enough anyways, to speak up about wanting meds, especially since at first she treated me like a drug-seeker, which was true though but I was very sure that Inhad ADD anyways. Now I‘ve been on a low dose of ADHD meds for a moth now, but there is so much more that I wish I could get help for, but I never had the courage to speak up for it. I don‘t want to disappoint her or anyone else for things that go wrong in my life.
Last week when I had an appointment, she noticed how bad I appeared to be doing, so I talked a little bit about how bad I have been feeling lately. However during telling her that I was in severe anxiety and my mouth got very dry because of the anxiety... I get anxiety attacks often, but not as much in such severity. But then again, I only spoke about a couple things of the much more things that trouble my life. And then today I met her again, and I told that I got better and that I had a good day. She then didn‘t ask any other questions and misinterpreted, that I’m completely fine now but in reality there is so much more behing than of what I said, but I just couldn’t get it out...
I‘m usually mildy and sometimes severely depressed, except when I‘m on drugs, I have anxiety and obessive thoughts and often just feel like taking drugs to fix me, which I sometimes do, and which has actually helped me cope. On all my good days I‘ve either been on weed, alcohol or nicotine patches...
Out of all that she only knows a little bit, she only knows a bit about some of my depressive phases but that‘s it. She is the kind of psychiatrist who doesn‘t ask anything directly, instead you have to tell her everything and that makes it really hard, instead when I stopped answering her questions she just started to chitchat with me about my life but that‘s just irrelevant for me. I wish she would just give me a questionnaire to fill out and then we could talk about everything. I have already thought about appearing somewhat drunk to be able to speak more openly with her, but that sounds absolutely absurd.
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self.Anxiety
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at 32 i am finally wise enough to know.. 1) all of creation from the farthest star to the most silent fart emerged from chaos
2) That chaos continues as evidenced by entropy over time
3) god cant be real because no god woud allow so much suffering and injustice in the reality they created
4) elon musk said this is a simulatin but I can never see how many stars i have. I assume 4 when helicopters are involved
5) there are not enough cookies in a single pack of mint oreos
----
tldr
my ex rail roaded me out of custody of my little girl whom ive been there for from day one. My ex neglects her, is unclean (example, suv inundated with roaches feeding on week old fast food). I promised my little girl I wouldnt let this happen again. unemplyed now because of all the stress destavakuzubg me. My therapist, pschiatrist and lawyer all agreed that given my condition and employment status (ignoring the fact my ex was literally what got me fired) that i should let my daughter go until I get back on my feet.. my soul hurts. every other weeked for four months... i am not the bad guy i just didnt get a single form turned in on time. i HATE everything.
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self.bipolar
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You are Taking a Gamble I notice that the majority of you lot here is below 30s and one way or another you are disgruntled with life and want to end it all.
I am in my mid- 40s. A couple of decades ago, I was in the same shoe as you, severely depressed and wanting to end it all with many attempts under my belt. I took the gamble and went to the psychiatrist and was put on a buffet of meds. I got better for a while and then the meds would stop working prompting a change to another prescription. This went on and on. Tat said, during the times that I feel OK, I did experience success in my career and have many fantastic experiences.
Fast forward to today, no med work for me any more and I am in constant torture. I will be ending it. I guess what I wish to say is , try to get well when you are still young, take that gamble but be very wary of the meds you are taking as it can come back to bite you like you can never imagine. good luck
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self.SuicideWatch
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I dont want to go back to the hospital but i do I don't really want to go back but I really do because it was really calm. I didn't really get help there tho because all they had has do was play games and watch movies and there were so many kids with actual retardation. I can't miss so much school either I went there in July and it was awful but idk what else to do.i don't really want to. I am confused I just want to sleep forever but if it doesn't work then things will only be worse . I was so close and I almost hang myself but I pussied out at the last second I don't know why I want to go back but I just want to be alone forever and sleep God please I just want to die what do I do I don't want to go to school or work and I don't want to do anything ever again and just be left alone what do I do
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self.SuicideWatch
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Worry. Why can't I stop worrying what everyone else thinks of me? I worry to the point that I make myself sick to the stomach. I analyze every action people take and try and figure out if I'm somehow involved. It's so exhausting.
I recently had a friend who I thought really understand me ditch me for good. I probably drove them away with my worry and anxiety. They probably got sick if how I am. Why can't I just be normal.....
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self.Anxiety
|
Idk what is right anymore I broke down yesterday. I wanted to kill myself. I told my frens and family for the first time. I let them worry. I failed to hold it in. Even when I alr held it in for so many years. Everything just came out. I called the hospital, they asked me for a clinic referral. I just went to the clinic, he told me to go to the hospitals AnE. It took me so much courage to take those steps. Now I just want to hide and go back home, try to hold it in again. I fucking hate myself, why am I contradicting myself. Why. What should i do. Its either my dad drives me to the hospital now or we go back home and wait for the next time i fail to hold it in again
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self.depression
|
Oh my god this is not happening Long story short I just tried to hang myself, the plan was to wrap the noose around my neck and jump off my back porch from my 3rd story apartment, instead the knot somehow came undone but it flung me with enough force so I flipped upside down and it tightened around my ankle, now I've been hanging here upside down like a fucking spider monkey for an hour, it's like -5 degrees outside and, I took a massive shit when I flung upside down which has spilled all down my chest and face, I'm too embarrassed to scream out for help, I'm 35 and I still work at Target there's no way I can come back from this
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self.SuicideWatch
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I can finally see a future for myself So my 20s have been crap. I've been very depressed about my life, no real friends, no partner, no career. Works jobs I didn't like when I was well enough to be working in the first place, I spent a lot of time in my room alone which i hated My one escape and real passion was traveling, and I want to make a career out of it, and I want to become an expedition leader.
I've got a plan to volunteer with a charity and then take a course to train to become an expedition leader amd hopefully to get a job with them at the end. If I don't then there are other Charities and companies afterwards so longer term I can see myself in different places.
Just wanted to share because for ages now I just hated the ideas of the future amd people telling me you will find something, and it still feels a long way off but I can get there even if it's hard. So everyone keep looks and don't be scared to start down a path.
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self.depression
|
Having major anxiety after a stressful morning working at reception and realising the biggest job of my career starts tomorrow. Have an overwhelming feeling of dread, thinking I will not be able to do this, I can’t do this.
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self.depression
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Completely terrified about starting new medication I've had anxiety and depression for as long as I remember. It slowly went from just feeling anxious to feelings of derealization and depersonalization, something I've been dealing with for about 10 years, with the last year being particularly bad.
I tried Prozac about 2 years ago, and it turned my life into a living hell. My derealization was unbearable, I couldn't leave the house, and I stopped after 2 weeks (I know it's meant to get better, but I heard myself saying "I understand why people kill themselves" during these two weeks. It was the worst I have ever felt, ever.)
I also tried propanolol a couple of times, but they also made me feel even more out of it. I've also had 3 different CBT courses, to no effect. I've tried meditation as well, to no effect.
I've been referred to a longer term therapist, but this won't happen for 6 months. I went back to my doctor's, and decided to try another SSRI, citalopram.
I haven't started it yet, as I'm waiting for the Christmas break so it doesn't affect my work. But I'm terrified. I keep reading people's experiences on citalopram and it seems it just makes derealization worse, and comes with a lot of sexual issues.
I'm at the point in my life where friendships, relationships and other opportunities have been ruined by how I feel. I barely have any emotions except despair.
I don't know what my point was, maybe I just need some stories similar to mine to convince me that citalopram is a good idea.
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self.Anxiety
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Didn’t get a job I worked nearly 20 years for. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I feel like I want to kill myself, and I don't know why. Please help. I feel like I want to kill myself, and I don't know why. Please help.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Irrational fear of anaphylaxis. I have suddenly developed a fear of anaphylaxis. I got an allergy test done 2 years ago (blood test) which said my allergies were all outdoor things and what I was allergic to most was dogs.
Every time I try a new food I have to sit there for 15-30 minutes and talk myself through a mini panic attack. I start to feel the sensation of my throat closing but it’s from anxiety and typically not food. It’s making it super hard to eat healthy and try new things because every new food is a battle with my anxiety.
Anyone else have this fear? Any tips that helped you get through it and try new things without panicking every time?
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self.Anxiety
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I've taken a flamethrower to everything good in my life due to anxiety and depression [deleted]
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self.depression
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I'm practically a ghost how I live now anyway I live with my sister. We grew up fairly poor but she's quite financially comfortable now. I actually had work and money during the holiday for the first time in my life this year so i bought presents for everyone. I didn't expect much of anything. I'm unproductive, nearing 30 and basically a leech. But somehow Seeing my more humble gifts totally outclassed and barely reacted to was still hard. But what really got me was when I found their Christmas shopping list with the names of everyone in the family on it. Even distant present buying cases like my dad, who my sister(who isn't his kid) hates. But I wasn't on the list at all. I wasn't even an afterthought. It's one thing knowing you're a burdensome piece of shit nobody cares about. It's more sobering to have it confirmed.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Hypomania induced by Dicyclomine Bp2 here. Has anyone who's used Dicyclomine (it's typically used for stomach issues) experienced hypomania after taking it. I notice it really puts me into that state. I then crash hard at the end of the day as a result. If I continue taking it too many consecutive days, this crash gets more and more severe to where my evenings are cut shorter and shorter by increased, extreme exhaustion. Anyone else experience this? The mania, of course like all mania, feels good at the time. But I notice I become more and more depressed as usage is continuous. If I break up my usage, it usually doesn't get so bad. But there is a noticeable cumulative affect.
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self.bipolar
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How do I get help? I know I need help, I know I have more to live for and all that shit and I've come to conclusion that I don't really want to kill my self. So what do I do now?
And talking to my family about it is not an option.
Any advice would be much appreciated.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Terrified of tinnitus, and I think my anxiety has made me think I’ve developed it [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Unable to feel joy - why act like my life is worth living? For the last 14 months I have been suffering from persisting side effects related to SSRI’s. I have completely lost my sexual desire and sexual function and I feel anhedonic (emotionally limited).
The aforementioned side effects are fairly common while on SSRI’s, but a small portion of people who take them experience the negative side effects indefinitely. Based off of the fact that I have not recovered one bit since stopping the meds in Feb ‘17, I believe that I will never heal. I am perfectly healthy from the outside, but on the inside, I am a robotic eunuch with no emotions.
I cannot stand the thought of living like this long term. People try and tell me that life is still worth living, but what they don’t realize is that my brain chemistry is altered so I literally cannot experience joy like most people. I want to kill myself but I don’t have a gun and I don’t want to try any method that could leave me alive and maimed. It’s either try and get a gun or jump out of my office window.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is there anyone else with no real family history with the disorder? I'm just curious if I'm alone in this or not. While I have a family history of things like ADHD and depression, I somehow ended up with a long list of diagnoses including bipolar. I'm wondering how that works. I did genetic testing and the report I read had several red markers for bipolar, so there's at least some degree of genetic predisposition to it at play however insignificant it may be.
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self.bipolar
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I can barely keep my head up in the mornings. [deleted]
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self.depression
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To people saying I have it easy It seems whenever I talk to a someone concerned with social issues they have to throw in some kind of jab against white men. I literally had someone who I thought was a friend get mad at me for "not acknowledging my privileged place in society".
To people that say that shit: go fuck yourself. I'm one of those white dudes you hate so much. Where the fuck is my privilege? Is it in the minimum wage job I work to make ends meet? Is it in the perscription meds I've been addicted to ever since I hurt my back and couldnt get it treated? I live in a nasty apartment building that has roaches and mold everywhere but I'm so privileged right?
And then when I go on the internet to numb myself to my amazing privileged life, I get to see more shit about how white men are the worst and how I'm living life on easy mode. Like there are days I dont even have running water shut the fuck up.
Honestly I hope all of you that say this shit fucking die.
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self.offmychest
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I am back on my pills, and I feel better whether or not people think I need them. Hi so I was diagnosed in the past year with the lovely lovely mixture of ADHD, OCD, Anxiety, and Depression. So I have been prescribed focalin and Im currently on it to study (but as you can tell, it makes me very willing to do anything that feels productive and want to talk, so here I am) as well as prozac.
So I fucked up and, while at college, ran out of prozac and do not have my insurance card, so my mom had to refill it and send it over, which took about 2 weeks (shes a forgetful sort). For those two weeks, I felt so awful. I was dissociating so awfully I had trouble recognizing myself in mirrors, and life felt like a haze. Just today, the package arrived and the second I took one before class, I felt reborn. I killed a presentation and feel so so very stress free (I've had several days where I felt on the verge of a breakdown as of late between the withdrawal and finals)
It is in this peace, this near-euphoric state where I again feel "alive" and like I am a functioning person, that I am reminded of people-good friends, my dad, my girlfriend, who occasionally question of I "need" medication. I was diagnosed relatively late (19) so they often think that since I was fine for so long, I dont really need them, or that since I never "seemed" that sad that I actually wasnt.
But here, here I feel human, I feel without the nagging anxiety stealing my breath and tucking me behind a wall and reaching for my throat with malice. Here I can breath, I feel happy, I feel confident, I feel *here* again. I guess I never noticed just how much prozac helped until I was off it. How deep I'd fallen until I'd gone a week without showering and hadnt been sober since I stopped taking it.
But I'm fucking back, and I dont care if people dont think I need prozac or focalin or anything. I feel happy, I feel motivated, I feel unstoppable, I feel **here** and I'm not going to let them take those feelings from me.
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self.offmychest
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What the freak I don’t have a diagnosis nor do I care about a title. I feel like I identify with bipolar. My mom is bipolar and for most of my life we have dealt with this. My problem now is I have been in a major depressive funk to the point where I’ve had to reach out to crisis people for help. Then there are times where I feel like the world is mine, I walk along side Jesus and literally I feel like I’m the only one that matters in this whole world. Here is what I am unclear about. Could I be conditioned to acting this way and not necessarily be bipolar? Is this something that therapy alone can treat? I see a psych doctor tomorrow for the first time and I am not looking forward to it at all!
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self.bipolar
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I love it when the Olympics are going on. With depression/anxiety, I often have to cling to some of the smaller pleasures in life in order to not feel overwhelmed with my own emotion.
The Olympics are one of these small pleasures. Whenever they're going on, I feel like I'm somehow safer and like life is going to be okay. For a small time, countries come together and have some fun, being their best. It's just one of those things that makes me feel good for a little bit.
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self.Anxiety
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What jobs am I automatically disqualified for if I’ve been in an impatient facility while under 18 years old. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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No point - thinking of ending it all Summing it up as short as possible.
I'm almost 16. There are 13 year old girls that have a lower voice than me. I have exactly 3 friends, none of them take me seriously. My parents call me hopeless almost every day. (I can't disagree. I can't even hang up a wall painting on my own). I'm ugly as shit and overweight. I will never have children to take care of, nor a girlfriend/first kiss. I tried to teach myself video editing to distract myself from real life, but it caused me being bullied online as well because of my cancerous cringy videos. I don't believe in my dreams anymore either.
I don't have a future,
I don't have the drive to continue,
I don't have the will to live anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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This is my last Christmas and I am happy about it Sorry in advance I don't know nothing about editing on Reddit :(
I have Borderline Personality Disorder found out 3 years ago, been on a waiting list for the past year to see a professional permanently and attend a DBT program I rung up yesterday and there is 261 people in front of me which means another 2 or 3 years until I see someone in the meantime I am alone, no help.
I am not coping what so ever I am off my medication because it is to expensive, I can't find work because I have no skills, I can't afford to get skills I am so financially screwed I have -46 cents in my bank I am resulting to becoming an adult sex worker just to be able to pay for food and bills and as some one who went through 10 years of rape it does not help but I need to eat and pay bills.
I have no friends, I have no family, all my pets have now passed on I literally have no one. This is my last Christmas and I am so glad it is because I can't live my life like this anymore. I am sorry.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Testosterone therapy? I'm currently waiting on the last of a series of blood tests, but odds are good that I'm going to get referred to an endocrinologist for treatment of low testosterone.
My research thus far indicates that BP-I does not play nice with hormones. I of course will make sure the new doc is aware of my diagnosis, but I've had three pdocs and a GP all tell me that they aren't comfortable messing with testosterone, yet I see all kinds of warnings about endocrinologists fucking up psych treatments, so I'm a bit nervous here.
Some say testosterone therapy has a decent chance of triggering mania; some say it's fine. I've been stable for two years with only minor depressive episodes and I sure as shit don't want to do mania again.
Not really sure what I'm looking for here, but I had to vent.
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self.bipolar
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I want attention so bad I want recognition. I want people to see me as someone that needs help, not someone that's fine dealing with what happens. I'm almost debating ODing for attention. I've never had this before. I don't know why. But my god do I want attention. Last week I had others telling me not to go inpatient when I honestly needed it. Now I'm not bad enough to go. I don't know how to get over this phase. I don't know how to get past the need for validation. What the fuck is wrong with me.
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self.bipolar
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I'm really tired of getting responses that amount to "just ignore it" Even on here I get that. I know people have good intentions, and I'm sure it does work for some people, but just ignoring my suicidal thoughts and feelings always make me feel worse. It might work for a little while, but that shitty feeling will never leave. And it kinda reinforces the idea that there is nothing to refute those negatives: life is not worth living, I'm a failure, etc. Not even a bright side to make it less bad, it's like "Yeah, life sucks, but keep living because.. well just do it." It just doesn't do anything for me. It gives the impression that all those claims are true and I end up feeling more depressed.
I'm really just venting here. It just sucks to be at your lowest and then get something that really doesn't help at all.
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self.depression
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Difference between anxiety and paranoia (CRAZY LONG POST)
I've suffered from anxiety amongst other mental Heath problems for a while now. I'm 19 and have been diagnosed with depression, schizophrenia and anxiety. I'm off my antipsychotics now and have recently come off my antidepressants. My mood is pretty low (not suffering from much psychosis though) but there's something about my anxiety that feels different this time? I tend not to get panic attacks as much and worry about different kinds of things? I used to be too anxious to leave my house. But now whenever I do I have this feeling that there's this person following me. I've never really had this before. The fear is irrational when I think about it but I'm finding it harder and harder to believe this and not become engulfed in the feeling that I'm being followed/watched. I experience this is two different ways; the first -most prevalent- is the feeling that my younger self is somehow watching me and is incredibly disappointed. This may sound ridiculous and completely implausible but my schizophrenia developed from a traumatic childhood experience in which my younger self sort of dissociated with me and subsequently became my "voice" in which I hear (this was how my psychologist explained it to me anyway). What I'm saying is for years I felt like I have been living my life with my 11 year old self my my side, criticising everything i do. But recently I've been paranoid that she's disappointed rather than just annoyed (I find this much more hurtful and harder to deal with) in me and it makes me guilty for enjoying the things I do.
I've also recently had the sensation that there is a lady in a car that follows me. I work as a home carer so spend up to 15 hours a day driving to and from people's houses, so I'm in my car a lot. I seem to see her all the time and she always stares at me when she drives past me!! I know this is ridiculous but I can't help but see her!!
My question is, do people here experience anxiety as well as paranoia? Are the two different? I've never had this kind of irrational fear before and it's beginning to take over my life. Just looking for people that may be experiencing similar things?
Thank you in advanced to anyone who takes the time to respond, I appreciate it.
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self.Anxiety
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Nobody really cares about your problems All my friends love to be around me when I'm celebrating but the second I have anything less than chipper to say they all get rid of me
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self.depression
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Spiraling back down the rabbit hole! So I’ve literally had the worse year of my life for 2017. I had a real bad time battling depression at the beginning of the year. I decided to do shrooms because I heard of their healing effects with this and to my surprise it really helped. I wasn’t a brand new person but I saw things differently. Everything was beautiful. Well fast forward with multiple runs of bad luck and here I am again. Staring back into the darkness. Waiting for it to consume me. I had a miscarriage a month ago and I accepted it. I cried when I knew where it was headed but I felt like I had gotten over it somewhat. Yesterday I laid in bed and scrolled through Facebook and saw this video of jimmy fallen talking about how they couldn’t get pregnant for five years and I lost it. I might deactivate my Facebook because more and more of these videos pop up each day and everyone is pregnant on my timeline. But then today I had this dream. I was working the bar and the lady asked if I had kids I told her no. She asked if I had ever tried and was interested I told her yeah and turned away but she kept going. She whispered did you have an abortion but super loud so that now everyone at the bar is staring at me. I said no and I had this little calendar on me and said no I had a miscarriage 67 days ago and then I woke up. I legit lost it. I’m struggling to keep it away, but it’s going to consume me at this rate.
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self.depression
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Freaking out in the middle of the night - just started olanzapine and i don't know what side effects are normal I'm freaking out. Some things have happened in the last four days. I had a huge panic attack, insane intrusive thoughts. Almost admitted myself to the hospital, but decided to stay with my parents as I was put on Olanzapine and it seemed to be working. At the very least, it put me to sleep for 3/4 of the day and I really needed that.
But I've got sweaty hands and feet, night sweats, my under eyes are puffing up, nothing crazy, but it's definitely noticeable. I get occasional very intense but short lived head aches. And the muscles on my face are stiff, like someone glued it while I was resting it.
It's 4 am and I'm freaking out. I'm with my parents and could wake them up but I doubt that will help anything. Only shitty part is I feel like I'm going to freak out over this. i'm terrified of dying and have other health problems leaving me frail atm. I don't want to feel this way.
I prefer this to my psychotic break, but I'm concerned it will have worse long lasting effects. This isn't that bad, but I got terrible acne when I was on lithium after only a couple weeks. it never went away. that was four years ago. symptoms are my nightmare and i'm so terrified i'm going to get diabetes and have to deal with a whole other illness.
this is so much to feel all at once, someone please give me some words
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self.bipolar
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I want my Teacher... bad I have this one teacher in my college program that I really want to get with, he keeps looking at me in class and will just keep eye contact with me for a minute or two until he looks around again, but his eyes always come back to me.... Big thing though, hes married
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self.offmychest
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My anxiety is so bad that i cant even go to the doctors Title says it all, i really need professional help but at the same time i have agoraphobia, can anyone relate with this? I'm thinking of just borrowing some valium from my grandma and popping them right before the appointment but i don't know if that will work
(For reference i'm basically almost always in my house 24/7, haven't left it for at least a good year other than driving to fast food drive-thrus occasionally)
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self.Anxiety
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I sent a long text to my boyfriend which I really really regret Something to learn about me is that the social side of my brain is really shit at its job. I sometimes do really embarrassing things and can't see that I have until someone tells me.
I've written a 10 page constitution for my school and given it to a teacher. I've written a screenplay and given it to a teacher. The years of my life where I did drama are painful to relive. But I can also be randomly really mean to people. I normally apologise a lot after but still.
So that's my brain. Then there's my relationship. It's with this guy who doesn't ever really feel down and consequently doesn't get how to treat people who feel down. He's also not out, so not able to be overly couple-y around me when we're not alone. Fine, but he's not anything around me when we're not alone.
It's really painful to have a bad day and then come to where I hang out in school and the person you like is right in front of you but ignoring you. All I want is a hug sometimes and it's like a bad mood multiplier seeing him.
So I sent a text explaining this but the thing is I don't know where to stop. It basically takes 8 minutes to read from top to bottom and furthermore is really condescending. And I'm a bit of an asshole basically.
I send it at Friday at 1am (ikr). I let someone else read it in the afternoon and they're like "uhhhhhh" and suddenly I get how bad it is. I have a bit of a breakdown and now I'm trying to fix it, by apologising and explaining to my boyfriend. Doesn't help that he avoids emotional conversation like the plague.
I feel like complete shit. This relationship really isn't healthy but I have tried not being in it for a month and it was equally shit without any of the good bits. The trouble is, I know that I'm the type of person who would feature on r/sadcringe but I can't help it. That's a horrible place to be.
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self.offmychest
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My girlfriend... Hello. I am a redditor, age 15, and my girlfriend is also 15.
Yes we are young, but it isn't teenage drama. We have that but we can deal with that. Its worse.
My girlfriend is sweet and amazing in school, but she hates herself. She always calls herself fat, she says shes stupid, and she says she has no friends. She was bullied all throughout elementary and some in middle school, and she was a bit depressed when I started dating her in 7th grade. Since then, it has been off and on, but now it is at its worst stage. 9th grade has started, and she has had issues making friends. She also says that shes losing touch with all of her greatest friends who shes had for years, which is kind of true. She is very depressed, and her parents dont really care. They laugh it off as teenage angst also. She has scratched her arms and punched herself before, but never truly cut. She is very suicidal. She doesn't want to go to a mental institute, so shes scared of telling anyone else besides me how much she actually wants to die. Her mom doesnt even know that much, because she sent her other daughter off to a mental institute before, which really sucked. And, since we are kids, I cant do much besides text her.
Ive come really close to talking to her mom about it, but im afraid as soon as I do, my girlfriend will just end it before she goes to an institute. I don't know what to do. I try my hardest to show her love and tell her how great she is, but she doesnt listen. She only hears the bullies comments.
What do I do?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I just really need to rant about the aspects of bipolar disorder I’ve been struggling with the most lately: side effects, mania, moods.. It’s been almost a year since I was officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder & my first and only manic episode. I cringe so much when I think about the time I was manic. I know I need to be nice to myself because I literally had no control over it, but I just hate the person I was for like a week. I thought I felt empathy for the first time in my life, and also thought I could read minds and was super obsessed with eye contact and the subconscious mind. Classic bipolar shit. It hurts to watch shows that depict people having manic episodes. I wish I could just erase that part of my life, which I guess I am doing to the best of my ability. Just blocking it out. Didn’t happen.
But now I’m on lithium and lamictal, which have thankfully allowed me to at least seem sane to other people, but honestly I’m lying when I say they’re making me feel all better. They’re not. Lithium fucking sucks. I have no appetite. I’m nauseous 97% of the time, and eating makes it worse. I used to have such a beautiful figure, but I’m getting so fucking skinny, my curves are going away. I tried to eat a lot two nights ago because I really want to gain a few pounds but I ended up feeling so nauseous, I just can’t do that often enough to gain weight back. And the fucking flaking. I feel so disgusting. My skin has never flaked before but my left ear now flakes so much daily. I hate it.
And probably the worst of all, it feels like my head is no longer mine. I can’t trust my thoughts or my feelings. As soon as I start to get passionate about something, I start speaking quickly, my mind races, my hands start shaking, and boom I’m hypomanic, thinking about all the weird shit I thought about during mania, making sense of things that don’t exist. I can’t even fucking explain that to anyone because none of my friends have bipolar disorder and none of them get it. So I’m just trying to act normal while my head is just being literally insane. This almost entirely defeats my ability to feel joy about anything, literally. If I’m not hypomanic, I’m just stuck in depression. I feel really alone. I miss who I used to be before all this happened.
I wish I could just turn it off, you know? I can’t even self-medicate with alcohol because if I have more than a few drinks I’ll throw up in the morning.
Hopefully it gets easier.
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self.bipolar
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How do you guys get through these kind of attacks? (Details in post) Basically I'll get these attacks where I'm not crying or breathing heavy, and nothing's bothering me. But I feel this pit in my stomach, I'm shaking a bit, and I feel incredibly stressed and uneasy over nothing in particular. And I just sorta freeze up and feel like I'm in a daze.
Does anyone else have these? How do you get past them?
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self.Anxiety
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I'm 34... I feel pathetic. I can't dig myself out of this hole. nothing makes me smile anymore. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Need a friend On mobile, can’t flare
I’m a 15 year old high school student who feels very lonely. I just.... I want a friend. Anybody want to talk?
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self.SuicideWatch
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So lonely it hurts I just can't socially interact with women. My confidence has never been so low in my life.. Despite being in the best shape of my life and exercising regularly.
Tonight I went on a tinder date, and the girl invited me back. I felt a brief moment of acceptance, but after talking a bit.. I went for a kiss, then she just said she was going to go to bed. So I apologized and told her I would leave. I felt like a sex offender or something.
I'm so lonely I want to die. I have no one. My parents are drug addicts, I was sexually abused by my father. I'm crying right now. I haven't cried in years.
I keep trying to stay positive. I treat everyone around me with common decency and respect.. But in the end I still feel like an alien. And sure I'm not owed anything from anyone.. But the agony of loneliness at this point is so overwhelming.
I've nevr seen a therapist before. I'm poor so I have no money for it.. But I'm a college student so I'm guessing they probably have som resource for students? I really need to get help. I'm sick of being this way. I just want to be able to connect with another human being. I probably wouldn't do anything suicidial but I've fantasized about it for so long now. I seriously just wish I knew how to function as a normal social person.
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self.depression
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I think I've had an epiphany I was driving home from work as I do every night and I think I've had an epiphany. My anxiety started back in December and it evolved into anxiety about dying soon. I honestly believe now that my anxiety started because I've lived my whole life under threat from something or other until the last couple years. I think my mind has been waiting for some new threat to come up and when it never did it created one(impending death) because that's all it knows.
I'm not cured by any means and I'll still need my medication probably, but at least now I'm in a comfortably place where when it starts up I can straight up tell my mind to shut up and calm down.
I just wanted to share with someone.
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self.Anxiety
|
Emotionally offline I shouldn’t be writing this, I have three final projects due in the next couple of days and I haven’t started on any of them. But I don’t have the energy to even get started...I don’t know what to do. It’s too late to ask for extensions but I don’t want to fail my classes (that mean nothing to me). Whatever...I guess I’ll turn out fine because I was doing well grade-wise up to this point, but it’s gonna be fucking painful.
Over the course of the last couple of weeks, I feel as if I’ve gone emotionally offline. I feel like a shell of myself. I’m not sure what happened. I think the real downturn started when I was walking on campus two weeks ago and saw my ex-girlfriend of a few months with her new boyfriend, but that’s definitely not the only thing that is bothering me. It might have been a death-by-a-thousand-cuts situation because if I take an itinerary of what’s going on in my life, there isn’t much there.
If my life had a thesis statement, it’d be that I have nothing to look forward to. Hardly any aspect of my life can bring me out of the apathy that I seem to be stuck in every day. I don’t find any of my classes enjoyable, and now the thought of doing it as a career is starting to give me nightmares. I have “friends” but I don’t much enjoy hanging out with them, and overall, any attempts to meet new people just seems to amount to nothing. I have no dating life, and I’m still admittedly stuck on the aforementioned ex-girlfriend (who has completely moved on) that I dated for seven months and have been broken up for the same length. All I can think about is that if she saw me today, barely able to get out of bed and go to school, I’m also certain she would feel even more justified in breaking up with me. I keep thinking about this new person she’s dating and in what ways he is likely a complete upgrade. I don’t even know what their situation is, I am just inventing scenarios in my head. I need to stop that. Fuck.
The only thing I have is that I’m in fairly good shape and my GPA is 3.8 (although that’s certain to go down after this week, which scares the ever-living shit out of me because it feels like the only real thing I can put on my resume). I’m also fairly consistent with working out; it’s not a huge part of my life, but holy shit, if I didn’t do it I can’t imagine how depressed I’d be. Right now, all of the emotional energy I have for the day goes to getting myself to the gym at the least.
With my career, I’m interested in how technology affects people and society; like internet addiction, social media, artificial intelligence, etc. That is kind of what drew me to my major in the first place, which is User Experience Design. However, I do little of that (the research side of things, which includes talking to people and learning their stories, then coming up with conclusions based on that data on how you can improve a digital service) and more the design/development side of things (like visual/graphic/UI design and web development, just building the fucking thing), which I’m good with, but it both stresses me out and bores the shit out of me. I think it’d be fulfilling to be a UX Researcher for a popular social app just because I would be able to study how people interact with it. Or do that for a consultancy/agency or something, and start a blog/podcast about technology+society. I kind of largely detest the Silicon Valley tech utopianism that’s sweeping the country, it seems to be making everyone I know (and myself) unhappy in really subtle ways, but it’s become almost a cult of sorts. I could turn what I learn about user research to that.
But if I want to keep pursuing this path, I have to keep doing the parts that make me depressed (design and coding) for a significant amount of time so I’ve just kind of lost motivation to try at all. I know I should just push through, but I’ve pushed through my whole life and honestly, I’m tired of fucking pushing. Everyone is telling me to keep moving forward because I show talent in it (the design/code side of user experience) and it’s lucrative but fuck man I can only do this for so long. I’d rather use my creativity on music or writing. I have three internship interviews this week which isn’t good to have hanging over my head when I’m asking all of these questions.
I constantly wonder if there is a better, more fulfilling, and less depressing route to the other side of all of this.
The social life issue is more simple, I don’t even want to write about it. I need to be more vulnerable to people and go outside my comfort zone, and that’s gonna take a ton of work no matter how you spin it. The first part of this video with James Murphy of LCD Soundsystem is basically my entire life in a nutshell: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yYCz06bS380. Ditto on the dating life, although that might be a little more complicated. I’ve only even felt attracted to one person since my breakup, so I guess there is more going underneath the surface there. I can’t imagine dating anyone in my current state, but man, the ever-present loneliness really drains me.
Isn’t it ironic though? I want to go into a career where I study people all day, yet I struggle to actually build and establish friendships. I’m like a people’s introvert, it makes no sense.
I seem to use daydreaming and fantasizing as an escape. I spend an embarrassing amount of mental time each day imagining myself as a frontman for a successful band; I really look up to someone like Father John Misty, I feel we have similar sensibilities on a lot of things. And there is just something about pouring your emotions and thoughts into an album, performing it live and connecting with people through that authenticity, that really makes me regret not taking learning music seriously up until this point in my life. I could really use that sort of emotional release right now. Same with writing, when school isn’t consuming every moment of my waking day I like to read a lot, so I’d like to write a book one day on something I care about.
I’m reading what I wrote and it’s kind of frustrating. I clearly have dreams and desires, why can’t I manifest them into anything that makes me remotely proud of myself? Like am I even depressed? I feel like way too many people here have it worse than me for me to complain about my “depression.” Maybe I’m just a shitty person looking for an excuse not to do anything useful with my life.
I’m just trying to make it to Friday. My favorite band is coming to my city and it’s the only thing I’m looking forward to. Its the only reason I am ignoring the thoughts of suicide...I need a break from all this bullshit.
I’m gonna schedule a doctor’s appointment today to get a blood panel done to see if anything’s happening there. I might look into SAD because depression always seems to historically hit me around this time (although this time last year was the happiest I’ve ever been, so I’m not exactly sure). I already see a therapist weekly but I might look for a new one because I’m not sure if we’re making any progress. I’m gonna try to get back into meditation if I can find any time.
I just want to know when it’s gonna get better.
|
self.depression
|
DAE think that any day now they’ll just decide to end it all. That that day is coming.
|
self.bipolar
|
how much do your meds cost you? I'm currently on medicaid so mine are all free. But I'm just curious how much they will cost once I turn 26 and am off my dad's health insurance.
I understand that everyone's cost different amounts, but I am just curious on how much it ranges.
|
self.bipolar
|
Just some intrusive thoughts I’ve been having about my ex When a break up occurs in a long term committed relationship that has been through its ups and down (provided not abusive) it’s not because you changed, it’s not because you don’t love them anymore, no matter how hard you try to convince your self otherwise. The reality is, it’s because one of you stopped trying, and never wanted to admit they did.
Laziness is what kills good relationships, not a lack of love, money or job. The point where you stop trying to make that person in your life happy, because maybe you’re to tired, maybe you’re too sick or maybe you’re just bored, is when you’ve really fucked it up. Because you should always be trying to make everything special for your S.O.
I tried, I gave up my job and went back to college to give you a better tomorrow, I gave up my social life to make sure I was always there when you needed to cry, I gave up whatever money I had so that you could enjoy life, because I didn’t need money to enjoy your company.
You gave up your money to help support me, and came to resent that. You gave up your short term stability so that we could have a good future, but couldn’t get over the fear of falling.
Eventually you stopped giving up and started taking. You took whatever time we could have shared and spent it with your friends, you stayed late at work so you wouldn’t have to come home to me. You took your money and made me feel smaller because I had to rely on you without much of a choice.
But I didn’t care, because I felt lucky just to lie next to you in bed every night. To lie next to the girl I gave up so much for, all so I could give up more. I loved you and I thought you loved me.
When the breakup came, I had to blame myself, because I always could have given up more for you, maybe that would have solved everything, or so I thought.
When in reality the break up was caused by your selfishness, impatience, and your laziness.
Despite the realisation that the reason we broke up was your fault, I still feel like I’m to blame. And I’d still take you back in heartbeat, not to get rid of this heartache, anger, and depression. But so I could go through it holding your hand, because you made me feel stronger, like I could walk through life with my head held high and my heart on my sleeve, because the only thing I ever gave a flying fuck about was how proud I could make you, how happy I could make you, how much I could give you.
I love you.
I found my one true love, and even though it’s your fault, I’ll never stop blaming myself. I’ll never win this on going battle with depression and suicidal thoughts because your not here helping me walk through the rain and into the sunlight.
Forever and always
Yours
|
self.depression
|
The fucking holidays. This shit is unbearable. All the gifts under the tree, a constant reminder that I’m too broke to give anybody gifts this year. My family is going to be so disappointed. How the hell is everybody so happy when they’re with each other, and laughter dies when I walk in the room.
I just feel like everybody hates me, and nobody gives a shit about anything I have to say. They all just seem so displeased with me, as if they’re all thinking “god, can you SHUT UP?”. My parents don’t really care about my mental health anymore. What the fuck am I still doing here?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Every time I get through another January, the rest of the year seems like smooth sailing. Many years ago, my little brother died in an accident in January. Years later, my dad, then a few years later still, my mom, also died in January.
That's half my nuclear family; there were 6 of us in the beginning. I know it's silly, but I always feel relieved when the three of us who are left make it through another January...and it always seems like I am good to go, no matter what, for another 11 months!
I miss mom, dad, and my brother, but it's been so long ago that the grief has faded. Still, January always seems just a little fraught with danger, and I am just a little bit more careful each January.
|
self.offmychest
|
What are your opinions on self diagnoses? Do you think they're valid if reached through research and heavy self-reflection? Or is the only way to be able to say you're depressed is through an official diagnosis? Be honest, I'm curious.
|
self.depression
|
i will blow my fucking head off as soon as weapons are accessible im done. im so over it. no amount of marijuana is gonna help me this time. i guess ill start off with myselff, ive been suffering with social anxiety my whole life and neither of my parents gave enough of a fuck to take me to a doctor. ive been bullied and marginalized my whole life, im 20 now and i have absolutely NO ONE. no girl ever wanted to have anything to do with me, in fact they all hate me. everyone hates me. its this prejudgement that everyone has that i cant explain but its there. my friends have all seemed to find relationships and then proceeded to cut me off so at this point i know i will never be accepted...so this is it. i am moving to utah (i live in california with my dad) where i will take one of my grandparents firearms and shoot myself in the head, with or without drugs and alcohol depending if its accessible. either way drugs and alcohol dont change how i feel inside, i just want it all to end. goodbye
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm not ready for another relationship, and that makes me sad. I thought that one of my coworkers was interested in me because of an exchange we had, and my body literally almost shut down. I almost passed out at the thought of someone being interested in me again.
And I'm not gonna lie, seeing literally all of my coworkers have their significant others come over and see them while they're working makes me sad. I mean, I'm happy for them, don't get me wrong. I don't hold anything against any of them. But I know that the only reason that I'm the only one there that's single is because I'm broken. And that's what makes me sad. I had something good going, and I screwed it up.
Lately I've been sitting around going back through old pictures of my ex and I. For all the shit we went through from her parents and us just having very different personalities, it was good. But she couldn't handle my brokenness. And she's moved on.
I feel like that was my one shot at a relationship I'm life, and I screwed it up. Any woman my age would be scraping the bottom of the barrel getting with me, but it's not like I have many options anyways. Every woman I know is either taken, explicitly not interested, or is underage (underclassmen friends I still associate with from when I was in highschool). But once I go to college, I'll be one of the least desirable people there. I'm literally a checklist of everything women generally don't want.
I know that relationships "aren't that important in the long run," but if the only reason you're not in a relationship anymore is because you're a broken piece of trash, it's hard not to feel sad about it.
|
self.depression
|
I wish I could be happy for you. This is going to be messy, just a warning.
This is really small and petty, but it’s been bothering me lately. My best friend and I have been crushing on the same person. I found out last week that they like each other. I don’t know what to do. I want to be happy for them, for *him*, but I can’t. I’m upset. I’m hurt. But I know I shouldn’t be hurt. It’s not my fault that they chose each other. I should be happy. I’m not. And I’m upset that I’m not happy for them.
He’s my best friend. I’ve always been there for him and he’s always been there for me, but this time I don’t know if we can be there for each other. Can I really blame him? I know I shouldn’t be jealous. He shouldn’t have to choose between his friend and his (potential) boyfriend either. I’m still so fucking jealous of him though. This is pretty much one of my worst fears realized. In my eyes, he’s always been more attractive, and I knew that if we liked the same person, it would probably end in heartbreak for me.
I want to be happy for him, believe me. The jealousy is eating me alive, slowly killing me. I’m feeling tremendously guilty right now because I’m being a crappy friend. I should just accept that this happened and the choice has been made. I keep feeling so inferior though. His shadow just keeps looming over me and it’s bringing out all my insecurities, that I’m not attractive enough, or that I’m never going to find love and that people are going to judge me for it. I’m so afraid. I don’t want to be lonely, and seeing them together makes me remember all the loneliness. I want to be part of his life too, though. It kills me that I won’t be able to experience this part of his life with him, and that I won’t be able to support him or be with him.
I want to be happy for you, but I can’t. Not now. I’m sorry.
(This was so messy, sorry. Also for context, I’m a gay teen, my best friend is a bi dude, the crush is a gay dude)
|
self.offmychest
|
Just scared For whatever reason my anxiety and depression have started hitting me hard in December and its close to debilitating me. Some days I don't even go outside or stress over the most minor of interactions(grocery store, drive thru). I started getting anxiety at my old job when there was no problem before and am now starting a new job tomorrow doing ABA therapy. It pays better and is more in my field but i dont know how im going to teach or help these kids and I'm so worried I feel sick. I can't think straight. I dont understand why just going to work is so hard. I've been coping really unhealthily(smoking,drinking,diet restriction) and its starting to negatively impact others around me. I just want to help people but i can't even help myself and i can't fuck things up.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
tempted to give up it's come to my attention recently that honestly, no one gives a flying fuck about me. i could get wiped off the face of the earth in the next minute and no one would really give a shit.
my parents don't really believe in mental health issues, they took me to a therapist for a short while before deciding that it was a waste of money and i've been cold turkey w/o therapy since. tried to convince my dad to give it back to me, he said he would for months before finally blowing up at me today and saying how much of a waste it is and that "if anything, i deserve therapy for dealing with your ass". (oh, regardless of these facts, my mom emotionally abuses me and my dad physically abuses me, so, there's that too.)
i'm decently popular, but my irl friends aren't really "friends", we just talk a lot about pointless things - and god forbid emotions get real (well, exclusively with me - on the other hand, they have no issues comforting their other, "real" friends). i live in a country where you can't really talk about mental health shit either. i was closest to my internet friends, but they've all gone awol now for one reason or another and i'm pretty much alone.
the only thing keeping me going are my dreams - i'm working towards being a coder, as well as a musician and actress, but even then i sometimes wonder if i want those dreams just so i can get recognised and they're just an extended cry for help lmao. as much as i am ambitious and hardworking, it's killing me to not be able to talk to anyone at all.
TL;DR: no friends, family dgaf, constantly teetering on the brink of suicide but never quite there... is it time to give up already?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Help, I need to "break up" with my therapist! How do I do it? I was in therapy for almost 2 years with another therapist and it was so very helpful. Unfortunately, I had to move to another state. Since I felt I could still benefit from therapy I found a new one in my new area and have been going for about 4 months. Not only do I not feel it has not been as effective (this therapist doesn't seem as knowledgeable as my last one) but he is a man (I am female) and repeatedly asks me how I feel about him and "our relationship". I feel very uncomfortable about this for some reason, and have told him repeatedly that it makes me uncomfortable, that it's not necessary to discuss how I feel about him/our relationship as it is a professional relationship, etc. but he persists in insisting it is valid for my therapy. He literally asks me this in every session and gets upset when I let him know I am uncomfortable with the question, and spends a good 10 minutes of my session arguing for his point. I'm just over it and feel too creeped out and don't want to continue therapy with him. The problem is, he lives in my area and we belong to the same country club, and will probably run into each other at times. Therefore I cannot just ghost him, and I don't want it to be awkward if I see him out.
|
self.depression
|
How do I begin to look for new friends I have some friends but don’t ever feel that sense of comradare. Even when we know each other pretty well. I feel like I am too weird for my friends. None of them are as anxious as I am, though a lot went through some form. It makes me creepy and maybe needy. I believe that maybe there are friends out there for me. That I can actually be with and not question everything all the time.
|
self.depression
|
Confessing you crush is useless Okay, I dunno how to start this, but lately I got to know a very harsh reality of life. If you like someone or have a crush on them, and if they already chose someone over you or decided that no matter what happens, they won't get into a relationship with you, confessing you like them or waiting to tell them your feelings isn't going to do anything. They've already made up their mind. And believe me it'll be quite evident from the start (if they become distant or start avoiding you, or say they'll reply "after thinking it through") that reply isn't going to come. They'll just one day turn up with someone and it'll literally break your heart in pieces. This is especially true for people with less attractive characteristics like me. I have gone through this twice in my life, and have finally learnt the important lesson. If you like someone, first make sure you're their type and they actually consider the possibility of having a relationship with you...
|
self.offmychest
|
The depression cycle Wake up not wanting to, spend the whole day shoe gazing, over eating and drinking to dull the pain, going to bed hoping you won't wake up the next morning, rinse and repeat everyday for years!!!!
|
self.depression
|
I took a shower and it was glorious Since the beginning of December I've been struggling with a couple of manic episodes. As the month went on I noticed a spike in my anxiety, but it was around the holidays and I was able to get a handle on it for the most part with my Xanax prescription. After a negative experience with my father during the holidays, my anxiety only increased until by January I couldn't get a handle on it. It developed in to full blown paranoia. I was (and still somewhat am) convinced I was being watched, especially from the strip of woods behind my house. Every time my German Shepherd would let out a guard dog bark at the back door I would lose my shit. If I needed to go to the grocery store I would go either very early in the morning or very late at night when there would be virtually no one there. If I turned to go down and aisle and saw another person there, I was overcome with a sense of uncomfortable dread and would wait in hiding until I saw them leave the aisle and go elsewhere.
This lasted me all of January and I shamefully only showered maybe two or three times from the beginning of December to the end of January. I kept my hair tied up and didn't brush it unless I was going to shower. My first shower since maybe all of January or at least the middle of it, and when I went to take my hair tie out it just kept getting more tangled. I had to have my fiancé cut it out of my hair, and when I tried to unwrap the bun it wasn't unwinding. I asked him to look at it and he was shocked and told me my hair was completely knotted together. Luckily he was able to untangle it without having to take scissors to it. And let me tell you, even with a detangler brush the layer of knots on top and underneath my hair were RUTHLESS. My hand cramped up during it and my eyes may have teared up a couple times but I got through it. Unfortunately, for the past week and a half I did not shower and did not brush my hair. Same results as far as my fiancé having to cut out another hair tie and unknot my hair, but that shower was HEAVENLY! I got the shampoo super lathery and just scrubbed every inch of my scalp. Then I let a deep conditioner sit while I washed my body and was able to do a second wash after I rinsed the conditioner and used my medicated body wash for my body acne (chest, back, and even upper arms!) I put all my products in my hair- about 8 totally I believe- and exfoliated my face and neck and put on a super moisturizing mask before doing my normal skincare routine.
I'm going through a manic episode now, and was up all night but I was able to take a shower and get ready early enough to actually be on time for once since my best friend/Maid of Honor was coming over so we could go to my mom's and get my Save the Dates addressed and ready to finally send out, seeing as they were supposed to be done end of December/early January. I also did 4 hours worth of much needed cleaning and decluttering. I feel very accomplished and refreshed but at the same time a little invalidated because most of this most likely wouldn't have gotten done if I wasn't manic. Still, my hair is soft, my skin is glowing, and my Save the Dates are finally done! Hopefully after my appointment with my psychiatrist on Tuesday, I can get on the road to getting my moods and emotions to a manageable level. If you read this, I hope you are having a wonderful day, and know this illness doesn't own you!
|
self.bipolar
|
Bringing in the new year hypomanic...who's with me? I guess it's only natural since I couldn't stop crying and having suicidal thoughts at Thanksgiving. My psychiatrist upped the lithium to level me out after that but I guess I'm still swinging cause here I am after Christmas 2 am can't sleep...tons of energy, making goals for the new year. What sucks is I know what comes after. I just wish I could get this shit under control.
|
self.bipolar
|
Hate how others view us online!! I mean, we all get how people feel about bipolar irl. But I’ve seen a million and a half askreddit threads where the question is “what’s your worst fear?” And 3 of the answers are “going crazy-psychosis is sooo scary and the worst thing ever! Couldnt imagine losing my mind!” While I get how much psychosis sucks, we can live with it!! We’re NOT nutcases (usually), and a lot of us can live a relatively normal life!!
Idk where I’m going with this, I guess I just came here to saw that I hate how some people see my illness as a death sentence- they should talk and listen to someone with it for once!
|
self.bipolar
|
Questions about my depression I'm not sure if I just went through a more intense depression but I just want to know. I am feeling better now but I feel fundamentally off in how I approach people. Like I just don't care. Can a deep enough depression be triggered to make you not even feel for people? I used to be rather concerned with how I comport myself to others' feelings but now? I can do something dumb and not feel any embarrassment not care whether I've been insensitive. I've never been this apathetic before. And it was all triggered by severe anxiety that I don't feel much at all for either. Or did I just reveal something about myself I've denied without realizing?
Tl;dr after a bout of severe anxiety, I think I triggered a depression that made me very apathetic and feel downright sociopathic. There's more to it if you wanna know, go ahead and ask, but that's the gist.
|
self.depression
|
Has anyone had any experience with taking fish oil along with lamictal? After a short (>15 minutes) appointment with my new doctor, I went to pick up my prescription that she refilled. In addition to my usual lamictal, there was fish oil too. The only instructions on the bottle were to take it once a day. I'm not sure why I was given fish oil and I can't find much information on the benefits of taking it with lamictal.
|
self.bipolar
|
I just had a panic attack in the middle of class so I skipped. I'm writing this from my car and everything is horrible. I'm drifting away from my friends when they need me the most, I'm failing all my classes, and the one person I want to call my girlfriend told me she doesn't have feelings for me. I don't understand basic calculus and chemistry even though I need those for my career. I feel like I've dug myself in a 100 feet deep whole that I just can't get out of. My life is caving in on itself. I'm on celexa and illegally taking my sisters Ativan in absolute emergencies but nothing helps. My life is horrible and if every month is like this month, then life isn't worth living anymore. No. I'm not going to kill myself. That's just how I feel. Thank you for reading this.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I wanna be euthanized. How the hell do I convince my parents for it? :( I know life is beautiful. But I am done with it....
Does anyone know how can I "convince" my parents for my euthanasia or assisted suicide?
Thanks.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I give up Let me start by saying that I used to be really depressed in the past and even tried to OD, but after years of pretending to be a happy goofball I actually became happy. Fake it till you make it actually worked in a weird way because by acting like I didn't care about anything I started to not care. Then a couple months ago I started a new job. Things were ok, coworkers were fun to be with, but I never really hung out with any of them outside of work. So I got the brilliant idea of going bowling! Surprisingly a bunch of them seemed as excited as I was to hangout together outside of work. Last week we decided that tonight would work for everyone and that we should get together at my place before hand to pregame. Awesome! So yesterday I go out and spend 100$ on alcohol/snacks for everyone . Today I found out that half the people couldn't make it, and the others were going to a different coworkers. So now I'm left here feeling more alone and let down than I have in years. I feel like all of that work I put into trying to be happy alone disappeared in an instant. I know it doesn't sound like much, but when stuff like this happens I can't get the feeling of "no one wants to be around me" out. Like there's something I'm always doing wrong that no matter what I try I can't fix. I'm planning on picking up my gun from my parents to "try out the shooting range." Thanks for reading I guess and I'm sorry I couldn't pretend anymore.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My boyfriend plans on killing himself in 10 days [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I haven't gotten a match on Tinder in 45 days [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
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