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I wonder how much of my depression is situational. I feel trapped. I hate the city I live in, I haven't been able to afford to leave for years, I haven't been to a concert in years(no one worth seeing stops in the Entertainment Capital of the World ironically enough) all I do is go to class, go to the doctors, go home. Then when there is something I'm actually really enthusiastic about in the city that might bring some joy to my dull life I can't go. I feel stagnate, caged, trapped, it's suffocating me. I want to hurt myself to make it stop for five seconds.
I hate a place when the novelty wears off and it just becomes this boring old place you've seen too much and you're ready to move on.
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self.depression
|
My partner left for a week and I'm completely lost. My boyfriend just left for a business trip and my anxiety is sky rocketing.
I love my boyfriend, he's been here ever since I started having severe anxiety issues. Every weekend we spend the whole day together, then on Monday I get heavily depressed because I won't see him during the day. It's an absurd feeling.
Now that he's gone for a week, I doubt I'll be able to handle it. The thought of coming home and not having him here is terrifying.
I know this makes my relationship sound like shit, because I'm basically putting all my hope and happiness in someone else's hands. It is shitty, and I absolutely understand it. He's just helped me so much, I cannot process the idea of not having him near. I feel worse than a dog left home alone.
Thank you for reading, I needed to vent.
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self.Anxiety
|
I've Started A Job And I'm About To Vanish... [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Extremely anxious over summer job/internship I have a career fair coming up on Thursday, which has been causing me to lose sleep and overeat. I have terrible social anxiety and it gets horrible during interviews even if I do prepare ahead of time. It so frustrating because all of the advice that I get is to 'relax' or to take a few seconds to think about responding but don't take too long. The worst I was told was to maintain eye contact while responding to an interview question but I physically cannot do so. I have been able to work my way up to staring at their heads but whenever I try to look someone in the eye and speak, I cannot get through a sentence without tripping over my words or freezing completely. It is absolutely frustrating because personality and presentation go a longer way than the resume, which sucks for people like me who deal with anxiety. I had been feeling suicidal these past few months because of the amount of pressure I have from myself and my family to get an internship or job over the summer and I worry about my future since I have not been able to land anything. I honestly want to just give up because it's hopeless for me.
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self.Anxiety
|
Do you still believe in a god? Even though they allowed you to end up in this state and are up above watching you suffer. All for you to "learn" or "gain strength". To say that there's a reason for what God does without giving a specific reason is malarkey.
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self.depression
|
mornings Every morning I wake up and refuse to get out of bed. I am a 25 year old male computer programmer with a well paying job. I like to get in as early as possible but am only obligated to be in by 10. I wake up at 7 every morning (disciplined sleep schedule) and am hit by an unbelievable need to escape. Thoughts of suicide abound. I do not want to go to work, I do not want to live on this planet anymore, I just want to die. I have researched means of suicide, and as time has passed I have become more calm about the idea. I am no longer afraid of death.
I feel pain every day. I am miserable at work. After work, I spend my few remaining hours of free time assaulted by irrational fears. I have no desire to perform at my job. I DO perform, but only because it’s a necessity; until death comes, I need income.
The idea of sharing this is humiliating to me. I can’t imagine what other people at work would think if they saw this. I feel no real emotional connection with anyone.
At work, it seems everyone wants to be my friend. I am met with friendly greetings, hellos, questions about games, or my beard (?) (an abnormally large amount of men have taken interest in my beard - i don’t know if i should take this to mean i will attract more women this way). I view everyone as stupid and annoying. I wish no one would talk to me. I feel that it is impossible that they are actually this friendly. Surely there is an alterior motive. I hate them and wish they would stop treating me with such respect. It feels irrational and not right for some reason.
I wish I was dead. That is constantly the strongest feeling, I wish I was dead.
Everyone told me I needed success to be happy in life. Well, it didn’t work.
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self.SuicideWatch
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rant this sucks, i wasted my holidays, almost a weeks i didn nothing but smoing weed, watching netflix and random youtube videos
i have no friends to do shit with, the ones i have never have time or live all the way across the country
i feel so fucking lonely, thursday i have to work again and i dont wanna go to work, work sucks, everythung sucks
i feel like i skipped my youth, went from being a kid to straight up depressed adult
shouldnt there be a time in life where you go out and have fun? where you meet new people and have no worries? just chilling with people walking through the night?
jesus fuck friday i had an appointment with my psychiatrist and told him everything is fine and that im kinda stable now (which was true) and now not even a week later im feeling like shit again
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self.depression
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Worked and went to school all day long Came home to find my parents fighting and that my dads probably leaving again.
I'm past my breaking point I'm going to hurt somebody wether or not it's me
Fuck you and your happy family
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self.depression
|
Group projects are fucking cancerous Hey, you there. You just started a brand new term at university and you're going to do your best!
Everything is going so well isn't it? Guess what? Group project. Group project right in your fucking face. Not just any group project, it's in a writing/communications class that you don't give half a shit about because somehow whoever is running this joint thinks that everyone needs to take this piece of shit "communications" class.
Is it relevant to your degree? No. Does it actually teach you anything of value? Nope.
Is everyone taking this class the biggest jerk offs who are forced to take the class because there's no way in a million years anyone would subject themselves to this level of cancerous bullshit? Yep. A thousand times yep.
Okay. I have zero interest in it but I can handle it. It sucks and it's boring as shit but once it's over it's over right?
So yeah, we have a nice little group going and we have our project and topics and roles all set out. Everything was going so well, everyone knew what to do.
Except it all falls apart the week after.
That fuckface who promised that at the very least he would fill out a simple form for the project? Nope.
Had to do it myself. Douchebag proudly exclaimed that he dropped out on this unit several times, cause he's so cool ain't that right. Isn't it cool that to show how fucking stupid I am for flunking out of the same class over and over again because I'm too cool for school.
Isn't it funny how I'm incurring tens of thousands of dollars in student debt just to be cool and awesome?
I wish I was as half as smart as you, at least they'd put me down for being brain dead instead of having to deal with your bullshit.
I hope someone unloads an entire nailgun into your fucking rectum you piece of shit.
Fucker just disappeared that day. Never replied to a single message, never shown up again.
So I had to do his part. Great.
Then comes Lil' Miss Fresh Off The Boat. You know what? I get it. You're in a foreign country now and your English isn't the best. You looked like you were born and raised in a Chinese sweatshop and you came into the first group meeting looking like you've just crawled out of a coal mine. But that's fine.
Except, I'm not sure if you can even speak a single word of English. "Do you know how to do this?" I said, pointing at the group task. "Ahh." She goes. I have no idea what the fuck she meant by that, I speak some Chinese but it ain't that good.
So I asked her again. "You're fine with doing this part?". Once again, she goes "Ahh." Maybe I'm just not good with my Mandarin tones or she's just having a fucking aneurysm I don't fucking know.
Then she disappeared and dropped out of the class. Maybe she got deported. Maybe she died from her aneurysm.
Either way, I had to do her part. Great.
So I'm already doing more than twice the workload I was originally meant to do. But I'm fine and it's totally not because I'm an asocial piece of shit too afraid to bring this up.
That just leaves me and the last member. Generic white girl. Like christ, I've met with her for at least four times now and I still don't remember what she looks like. Or I'm developing face blindness from dealing with the other two's bullshit.
She seems fine. At a first glance. She would communicate and talk about the project and the things she has done. Correction, the things she *claimed* to have done. What's worse than a fuckwad who does nothing? A fuckwad that lies about doing something and not actually doing it.
So I did all the write-ups, I churned all of the numbers and data because she can't even do basic arithmetic without having a nervous breakdown. I did all the graphs and charts. I did all the research and background for it, I did all of the stupid referencing and basically fucking everything.
So yeah. I did like 90% of it.
But I'm a fucking dumbass and somehow trusted her for one last time. I gave her basically everything and the entire project and all of the writings fully done and complete on a silver platter to her. My final request, just put it all presentation and format the fonts and crap to make it look fancy and nicer.
I gave her everything days in advance before the deadline. So I figured, for such an easy task that there was no way that she couldn't do it.
Less than an hour before the deadline, she finally decided to message me. "Hey, I just did what you told me to do."
Click.
Oh yeah, it's a file that's 90% fucking empty.
"I don't know what to do." She exclaimed.
Meanwhile, I've been rushing several assignments and projects from all sorts of classes because somehow, someone thought that it would be funny to put the deadline for everything at the exact same fucking time.
So I basically did her part and more and towards the end, I've finally done it. I hit the submission button and all is fine. I just did 99% of the work.
But wait. I'm an even bigger idiot for neglecting this other stupid essay for the same class that I was told that it wouldn't be marked because despite completing everything in the essay, I didn't follow their exact standards for the essay.
They required us to put a stupid looking tiny box at the end of the essay for marking purposes.
That was the only thing I've forgotten.
And now it won't even be marked.
Great.
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self.offmychest
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Current mood : just multiply me by zero. please. [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
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Marijuana and Anxiety Hey Guys,
Does anyone have any experience with marijuana medical and non medical and its effects on anxiety? For me when i am high i do not feel anxious but the day after i feel extra anxious is this normal? All your perspectives and insight are greatly appreciated.
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self.Anxiety
|
Dealing with irrational fear linked to traumatic event (pregnancy) Three months ago, I got my girlfriend pregnant and she had an abortion. I now have an irrational fear of getting a girl pregnant and it has ruined sex for me.
- We relied on pull-out method.
- I always had the fear, now it is much stronger.
- Our relationship has been rocky since and we have not had sex again until last night.
Last night we had sex for about 3 minutes. I used a condom the entire time, but had to stop because I could feel guilt/regret creeping in on me; I did not ejaculate.
I understand the risk of pregnancy here is well under 1% - more likely closer to .001% or some other minuscule probability. In fact, worse things are much more likely to happen (e.g. a debilitating car crash).
But now the subtle anxiety has set in - I can feel panic knocking and my brain asking 'what if'. I want advice on how to control it over the next month and in the future.
This pattern of thinking is not common for me, but it does happen from time to time (e.g. A subtle, continuous panic weeks before a presentation).
Thank you!
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self.Anxiety
|
"You look so innocent it looks fun to destroy you" I was told that phrase when I was explaining one time to someone who I looked up to as my mentor when I asked, "It shouldn't be such a frequent phenomena to occur everywhere I go."
Having Asian family and being the middle child, I was ignored and abused. I was bullied in school for not being a "gangsta"-clique in a school in the middle of nowhere/valley at the time. My 1st relationship ended up abusive verbally, physically, and I used to be a sex before marriage mentality until he deflowered me against my will. I finally was able to leave him when he cheated on me. (thank GOD).
My next relationship after that had pride, ego, and anger issues. I didn't want to look for a relationship but things happen -- and the worse happened with him. We never made it official but he kept me down when I was coming up as a freelancer. I left him too.
In the industry I'm in, every company or entity I've worked with was full-force sexism. Because I never had a career before and only one job I was taken advantage of and severely underpaid. Because this is a form of the music industry I've even had people offer me "have sex with me and I'll give you access to all my connections" to "I'm taking your gigs and doing them for free" to push me out. It's a full on boys world.
Now I'm stuck day after day with different companies being a freelancer in the city. A female freelancer. I tried having a part time for a few months and even ended up with a manager who is male dominant suppressed LGBTQ who is too focused on his pride than his business to treat any of his workers well with a turn over rate of people leaving within a month or so.
I can't go back home, my family recently committed fraud and charged 500 into my name without me knowing. I have nowhere to turn to and my boyfriend cannot help me. I can't go back to school either I don't know where to go neither have the funds nor direction to do so. I'm constantly telling myself I need to kill myself because I can't escape being who I am and taken advantage of constantly.
What else am I supposed to do? I know my thoughts were everywhere. I know no one can really help me. I've been suicidal for years with very good reasons to be like this. I have so many more horror stories and every time i keep pushing through my career with 4 years of experience I keep getting cucked out of my main income for being female... my experience doesn't matter at all. I might have to become homeless soon, especially living in a high rent city. I have no where to go once all my independence slips away from my hands.
edit//: My depression keeps getting worse with each situation that eats at me with the same reoccurring theme that it's getting in the way of me trying to advance/work on myself*
My passion and self-worth is non-existent simply for being a female. I have no respect and cannot defend myself. When I do it worsens every situation. I am pushed into a corner. I am pushed into the ground. It feels like the only safe place is drowning in the waters of my depression. But it hurts all the same. if the pain is all the same why can't I kill myself?...
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self.SuicideWatch
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I feel f*cking worse after this exercise sh!t. DAE? I've been gently trying to bodybuild, I live pretty sedentary. I want the musclez. I'm a guy. So check this shit out brothers and sisters, during workout I feel okay, but like 2-3 days after each exercise sesh I feel AWFUL, like more tense, bitchy, depressed and negative, exhausted, sooopo much irrational panic and fear, poor sleep. I'm so sore, WTFH. Can anyone else relate to this? How long have you been struggling? I get it can be a temporary thing, and should improve with time right? Does it? I just started this sh!t, but at this rate I'm gonna like die from sleep deprivation and chronic anxiety if this fitness level doesn't increase, or something? I want to continue my workouts, but this is so so so so bad. DAE relate? How often has this plagued you, or not? Did it get better with time, or do you experience the same sh!t years later? Are you consistent with the exercise, or does it just happen to you, too, when you exercise once a month, lol. Serious.
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self.Anxiety
|
Irrational fears and ruminating about things that happened 6+ years ago, how to cope?
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self.Anxiety
|
He’s non-monogamously engaged. For the past two months, I’ve been casually seeing a man who is an ethically non-monogamous relationship. He’s been with his partner for a year-and-a-half while I date people here-and-there. I like not having to check in with someone, and the sex is hot.
His partner proposed recently, and I found out because a mutual friend posted on FB about it. I was expecting him to tell me when I saw him last night, but he didn’t. I wonder if he’s planning to let me know at all. We never discuss her, even when we discuss bits of his life (his cats, home improvements at their place, etc.). I am new to being with someone who is actively non-monogamous, so the boundaries sometimes feel uncertain.
Except for my best friend, I haven’t told my friends about him, so thank you for reading.
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self.offmychest
|
How do you stop regrets I’ve wasted my freshman year of college because of a girl and Im in my second year where I could’ve lived with great guys but I didn’t because I didn’t work hard over the summer.
How do you get over visualizing what life/experiences you could’ve had. I hate thinking about this shit because I could’ve had such a great experience so far but now I’m just scraping by missing all the potential friends I could be with if I just wasn’t a fucking idiot.
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self.depression
|
How to help a buddy who is having weird anxiety related issues So, I have anxiety and have really gotten it under control over the last couple years. A good friend is struggling with some issues. He went to rehab for alcohol abuse thinking that would solve all his mental issues. Since getting out and becoming sober for the last couple months he has started having attacks. His arm and leg will start to tingle and go numb. Says he gets a into a fog and feels pressure in his head. He’s had multiple doctors app, with an mri. Nothing wrong. Anyone deal with these same issues? I’ve had an array of physical things happen to me due to anxiety. But nothing like what he’s describing.
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self.Anxiety
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A guy I really like ghosted on me. He was all I had left [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Maybe I’m just lucky I take a lot of Xanax while I drink hoping to die but it never works like 5 bars each time and alot of alcohol
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self.SuicideWatch
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Just so tired Im new to this.. in fact its been a very long time since I really tried to speak out at all. Im tired of feeling like a ghost in my own "life", tired of crying and praying to just die in my sleep... tired of waking up and being angry Im still here. Tired of being afraid. Tired of trying to find "good" things in life... when everything around me is failure, lies or just being manipulated because its the ONLY way that anyone wants me around at all. Tired of the masquerade and pretending... tired of screaming at walls because my so-called "friend" ignores me because Second-Life and "online life" is far more important.
My family outcast me because I "failed" at life, because having PTSD from childhood abuse and Depression issues is an "excuse". Kept isolated most of my life.. socially inept in a world that requires social-skills, what few friends Ive ever had... abandoning me because I dont fit in. Because their other friends dont like me or find me "strange"... they dont want me around either. Tired of trying when no one wants me to try, just want someone to abuse and use because I (stupidly) put others before myself... Was even told Im "too caring", the part of my brain that gives me empathy is "too big"...
Tired of trying to be a "good" person... tired of caring... tired of talking to my "imaginary friends" because I cant talk to anyone else. Tired of chickening out when I put a blade to my wrist or stare at my pill bottles... worse is Im not afraid of dying its the PAIN that frightens me. Im invisible, Im already dead... its the pain that scares me not the physical death... Being alive or dead wont change anything around me, rather just feel like being dead will spare people the "trouble" of me being so stupid and lost...
I was asked what I wanted for xmas... told them I wanted a gun and a single bullet, my ultimate present would be removing myself from a life that DOESNT want me... I got laughed at, asked who would cook dinner and clean house... then they logged into SL and ignored me.
Im tired of this... Im tired of talking to "imaginary friends" like a child just because I dont want to be alone in my room so much. Tired of the cliches and "dont lose hope"... because I have no hope to lose. Tired of always needing to silent... darkly humorous Im tired of Breaking Benjamins "Failure" being the anthem of my entire existance....
Just tired... tired of no answers... tired of being so pathetic and weak... Tired of not even knowing if I CAN keep going...
Tired of thinking Im not going to be heard...
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self.SuicideWatch
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My Girlfriend, the thing that gave me hope, just left me [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm sick of this shit.. literally WARNING: May be too graphic for some.
So basically I have really bad constipation. I believe it started about two years ago. I had a really important examination and it was an incredibly stressful time in my life; I didn't eat nor sleep well and I pretty much just studied all the time. Needless to say, I didn't make time for my bowel movements either and I suppressed any urges because I just didn't have time to spare. I actually think it was when my stress, depression, anxiety etc. started because in the years before that I've always been a pretty happy or at least content kid.
Anyway, now I'm 19 and I'm so fucking done. I can go up to a week without having any sort of bowel movement but it usually gets too uncomfortable around day five and I have to try inducing one. I've tried everything - more water, fruits, vegetables, exercise, fibre supplements, laxatives (bulk-forming, stimulant, lubricant), colon cleanse pills. I've also cut out dairy almost completely and consume a high-protein, low-carb diet (for fitness/weight purposes). Either nothing works, or it gradually becomes less effective. I'm just so sick of feeling bloated all the time, having discomfort/pain in my lower back, being unable to sleep due to said discomfort, straining up to an hour only to pass a small piece. The worst thing is, it's gotten bad enough that I've had to put my finger up my hole to dig my stool out. It's so fucking disgusting and humiliating. I've also noticed some white fuzz around the few pieces that I do pass, I'm thinking it's mold or something else which says 'your system is fucked'. Oh and my butthole is swollen after every session and feels like it's been turned inside out.
The thing is, I've begged my mum to bring me to the hospital to get it checked out but she keeps putting it off and encouraging me to try other methods. I know my lifestyle isn't the healthiest, but it's definitely healthier than most my age (I go to the gym when I can, I try to eat healthy, etc.). I'm also trying to drink more water and stop staying up late. I think it may be stress-related (due to my history and I read somewhere that even babies hold their poop in when stressed) but sometimes I'm just.. depressed/anxious/etc., you know? Also I know it's normal to feel stress during finals, but I doubt everyone else has constipation as a result which happens to me. I just want to go to a professional so he/she can tell me what's wrong with my body/lifestyle so I can make changes accordingly. At the very least I'd just like a professional opinion because I don't know what to do. I also feel that the longer we put it off, the worse it's going to get and it really upsets me that because of someone else (my mum), my own health and well-being is at risk. I know some will wonder why I don't just make an appointment myself, but I'm a petite 19-year-old asian female and I feel like nobody will take me seriously. Some may even laugh because it's not a "real" problem to most people. Also it's embarrassing for me and I just want some support when I tell the doctor how I have to dig my own shit out, you know? I don't have any other immediate family members other than my mum and I can't ask my friends because again, it's embarrassing.
I'm just. So. Fucking. Done. It makes me want to pull my hair out because it's so god damn frustrating. Thanks for reading, I hope I'll be able to shit after this cup of coffee (which is what I do to induce a bm these days because I don't want to take more laxatives).
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self.offmychest
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I’m (M30) terrified he’s going to propose to her today. We’re all going to his place for xmas. She’s my best friend and I’m in love with her. I’m terrified he’s going to propose today. I’m happy for her if it happens but I don’t think I can handle it. I’ve never wanted to run away more in my life.
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self.offmychest
|
TRIGGER suicide - my dad had undiagnosed bipolar like me and he committed and I can’t go back to work. My dad left us 2 weeks ago now and every day when I have to think about going to work all I can think about is my beautiful papa my protector my team and I cannot bring myself to enter back into society. I’m sure my work is going to get annoyed very soon and I don’t know what to do. My dad was the one who helped me with a lot of this stuff :(
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self.bipolar
|
Is it normal to hate life this much? I thought I was okay. I really thought I was going to be okay. That’s what I keep telling people. I tried so hard to make sure I wasn’t a burden to anyone. That no one had to worry about me. But no matter what I do, people end up hating me. I don’t want to be here anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Scared I got into a fight with my SO and he told me that we've been through this "counseling thing"* before and that it hasn't gotten any better.
*I admitted myself to the psychiatric ward at the ER in April 2017. Since then I've gotten put on meds for my depression and I have alprazolam for my anxiety/panic attacks, and I see a therapist biweekly.
I've recently started having PTSD flashbacks, starting in December. They have me so shaken up that now I'm really beginning to doubt my progress and I feel like I'm back at square one.
My therapist knows about the flashbacks. She knows about my nightmares. She knows everything already.
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self.depression
|
Dating advice about bipolar. Hello Redditer,
I have a mild depression(dysthemia) and I have started seeing someone who is most likely bipolar. What is you opinion? Is it good idea to start relationship when both of us have mental issue.
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self.depression
|
Help I’ve taken 230mg of lexapro, 125mg prothiden but no alcohol, should I take alcohol for it to work??
Also would tylex help in anyway??
Don’t feel anything yet - maybe a tiny bit shacky
UPDATE - i feel heavy. Like im sinking into the bed.
Thought maybe I should have written a letter.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Please help, I want to kill myself Hello I'm sorry for being so negative, but I am just trying to be real here. my fake name is Marie and I am 14 years old. I have had major depression and Anxiety since I was 12
I have no friends, only a few fake ones who just want nudes or sex from me. I don't do drugs I don't drink I don't have sex. I sit at home thinking about how great my life was before my mother went insane. My parents divorced, this sounds selfish but I lived in a big nice house and had lots of friends. Was on the states best soccer team and traveled. I had a whole family who loved me. That all came crashing down. When I was 12, My mother would threaten to kill herself and pretend to leave the house in front of me and my 5year old sister. I was very close with my mom so I would sob and sob begging her to come back. She also would fake faint and was always on tons and tons of pain medicine, to the point where she would be passed out on the couch with white crust around her mouth and drooling. She told me her depression was my fault and I was a daughter From hell.
That's the back story. Now. With no friends, no team, and living in a fire hazard of a house in one of the most dangerous cities in the us and in the most dangerous area I live here with my grandmother and dad. Occasionally I get to see my sister but the other one hates me. I get so bored and lonely and I have such a fear of rejection because all relationships I have trusted were torn away. I am self conscious about myself but act cocky. I am smart but I have no motivation, so my grades were like a 2.0gpa. I failed myself and life. I text my aunt and she never responds. She has lost hope in me. I went to the hospital a year ago after trying to kill my self and accidentally leaving the suicide letters on my bed , and I got a therapist, who I love most definitely, but I can't have a real relationship with her. I was doing really good in the summer but that came crashing too. When I say I have no motivation, I mean absolutely nothing. I have such high goals for myself, I was a 4.0 student in middle school. And high school isn't even that hard. I just don't want to do anything but sleep. Some days I feel on top of the world and some days I want to die. But when these days come by I suddenly have motivation and a strong urge to die. Not to get things done, just die. I just want to be loved but I am so needy nobody wants me. I try talking to old friends and they pretend they don't know me. I have the stuff ready but i question my rationality. But inside me I am being told to not think just do. So I thought I would talk first. Thank you
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self.SuicideWatch
|
No point I don't see a point to life. I can't connect to anyone on a personal level, I hate the repetitive nature of life, school is killing me, my eating disorder is taking over my life again. I guess I'm just fed up. I'm only 22 and "I have my whole life ahead of me" as others would say. But I don't want life. I don't want to live in a world like this. It may be selfish or whatever, but for once I want to do something for me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Why I hate the holidays I type this message hiding at my desk crying as my coworkers speak anxiously about their plans for the rest of the year. I am the single mom of 3 small kids. I have never enjoyed Christmas. I am the child of divorce and we were extremely poor. It was not until I was an adult that I hate knowing my dad spent Christmas alone every year. My kids father moved out of state in June. His car is falling apart wont be home for the holidays. This is my kids first Christmas without him. I have tried to make this Christmas as good as I can. They want their dad. I cant blame them. I thought about driving them the 6 hours to see him but I cant afford a hotel for us. It is also a lot to put 3 small kids through. Money has been tight and so I didn't even put up a tree.
I know my boys are going to over joyed with the gifts they receive. I know we will have fun making cookies to leave out to Santa. I also know after the initial excitement has worn off they will once again ask me to see their dad. I feel like I have failed my boys by not doing better by them. You always want better for your kids than you have had for yourself. I feel I fell very short this year. I will wear my smile the best I can.
To all the single parents out there spending the holidays alone I am here with you and for you.
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self.offmychest
|
Help /tips Cousin as a roomate contributing to my anxiety and panic attacks/PTSD Hi everyone....
I have been in recovery from my PTSD for about a month now and getting my life together (healthy diet more excercise a great new job graduating college ) until my cousin decided to move to the big city where I live and live with me for three months. In attempts to control my PTSD anxiety and panic I have kept my home as clean as possible organized with clean eating all of that. I told my cousin she could live with us as long as she followed rules in order to help me in recovery.
She has turned my tiny big city apartment into a pig stye COMPLETE MESS and dirty and gross when my apartment is impeccablly clean usually. She has been super aggressive towards me triggering my panic attacks. She has no where to go but my ptsd symptoms are coming back after a month of Me being mostly symptom free.
Her aggressiveness and screaming towards me is causing my panic to rise she has become entitled saying that she is messy due to the space she's given and leaves food over a month rotting in my fridge. Just gross after all and zero respect of my rules of being clean to help me and my recovery. She apologizes after but I don't know what to do.
She has no where else to go. But my panic cannot afford her to let her stay in my home and turn it into a panic center
Please any advice helps.
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self.Anxiety
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Away I want to move away. And not with my mother, I guess with my dad, which I wouldn't really want either. I want to move to America and then to one of the bigger cities like NY or LA. I want to get away from this place.
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self.depression
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Mom won’t give me her blessing to try meds again - I’m being reasonable, right? New to this sub, here for a little extra support post serious breakup since I’m losing a big part of my support system.
I briefly tried meds (buspar and paxil) when I was 18/19 freshman year (5th year now, 23) and I’m looking to try again. My day to day anxiety is manageable without medication, but every time I get bad I think like “man it would be great if I had some meds right now”. I have severe social/dating anxiety, and I don’t cope well with changes in routine or busy schedules. I operate best when I have lots of alone time for self soothing/self care. It seems like a really great time to start my med journey since I can get stable before I graduate in May and I’ll have the meds to help with all the life changes I’ll be going through (moving, first time working full time, navigating workplace social situations, finding an apartment, being a real adult, etc.).
Just looking for some validation that it’s a reasonable decision. I’ve been thinking about it for years and obviously it’s not a rash decision, but my Mom is SO NEGATIVE on the subject of meds and refuses to listen when I say that she doesn’t understand anxiety. It got bad enough freshman year that I could hardly leave my dorm to go to class. When I brought up that it could happen again when I start working, she said that I’d just “tough it out” and that the medication would probably help so little that it wouldn’t be worth it. I countered with “it doesn’t matter how little it helps because any amount would be worth it”.
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self.Anxiety
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Everybody seems so far away from me I'm out tonight with my boyfriend, spending time with a couple we both like. He won't let me talk really at all though, which is why I'm here texting under the table, I'm fucking lonely. I've been less lonely when I actually was alone, at least then I could do more than pretend to be interested and smile. Plus I feel shitty anyways because I have my period and making that smile reach my eyes and look genuine today is really fucking hard.
Anything I say is an interruption of his non-stop talking about his creative ideas, nevermind that I have more ideas than he does and over half of his ideas are mine anyways. He can write but he doesn't know how to storyline or get from one place in a story to another, or how to make things plausible (he writes screenplays and directs, he'd never written anything more than 15 minutes long when I met him, he's written 3 short films around 30-45 minutes long and 2 feature lengths now and is working is on a third feature length right now that was entirely my idea).
The only time he even acknowledge he appreciates me is when I'm helping him with something, ideas, constructive criticism, props, scenery, locations, planning special events for us, giving gifts, just only when I give, because apparently all I do otherwise is take. I know I take, I know I'm not easy. It isn't like he listens much about my novel though or hear any input. He had nothing to say of my on my artwork either. He's never offered me an idea or a solution to a problem I'm having bridging one part of a story to another, or deciding if a painting is really finished.
I've always been a Muse, I know this. I even accept it and am proud of it. I have motivated people to great things, to be more than they were. To do more. It's my not so hidden talent. I'm good at solving other people's problems. I'm especially good at their creative problems. It's just that lately, he's been making me feel like that's the only thing I'm good for.
I can't believe I've spent almost nine years of my life with someone who seems to care so little. I hate myself because I fucking adore him, because I am madly in love with him, so much so that I'll take the table scraps if that's all he's offering. I wish I could tell him how I feel but he doesn't want to talk and if we do talk he just blames me.
I know I should break up with him, but I'm not ready to give up. I'm stubborn and this is the last time I'm willing to put myself out there. If I can't make this work, I will not try again. He'll be fine but I'll probably end up in bed for a year. I have the best chance of getting better I've ever had right now, I just got disability, I don't have to stress working, I have insurance, the time it's now or probably years from now when I might be doing this well again, if I eve am. I only wish he understood that when he doesn't try, that's my whole life he's not trying for.
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self.bipolar
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How did you manage to purchase rope without arousing suspicion?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I am a horrible, selfish, impulsive and manipulative person. I realised lately that I'm kind of a terrible person. I'm a girl with an ambiguous sexuality. It tends to alter to benefit me? idk. But anyway,
I met this nice girl that seemed funny, friendly and generally similar to me. I was attracted to her personality more than her looks and I even considered her on the verge of being ugly. But she was immensely popular because of her great personality and that was what I liked about her. I just wanted to be really close to her. She was openly gay and I was jealous of her confidence. She didn't take shit from anyone.
After a month or so I told her how I felt about her. I was confident that she would accept because I knew that there weren't really any other girls that liked her in that way. She accepted, of course, and said she liked me as well, but said that she just didn't try asking me out because she didn't know I liked girls. I sort of predicted this. Not that I think I'm irresistible to everyone or something, but I just kind of knew she would say that..
We texted a lot, although we weren't 'official' because I made it clear that I wasn't completely open about my sexuality yet, which she understood. After a few weeks of texting, I began to get sick of her texting me 24/7, so I made up that I wasn't ready to commit to a relationship with another girl. I made sure I worded it so that we would still be friends. I felt like I hated her at this point; she was too damn clingy.
Still, I kept us friendly for a long time, until we started to just drift apart. I hated that. I didn't want her, but I wanted her to chase after me. Since I was still unsure of my own sexuality, I knew I didn't want her, but I craved the feeling of this particular girl wanting me. Since we stopped talking, I got worried she didn't like me anymore.
She dated another girl while we weren't talking and I was fucking pissed. I never said a word to her, I just sat and listened to her gush over her gorgeous girlfriend with my blood fucking boiling. I was so jealous that she'd forgotten me, that I trash talked her girlfriend to my best friend constantly. My best friend didn't know what I was thinking. She'd ask me "do you still like her or something?" and I'd say "I dont know". I KNEW I didn't like her, but if she somehow heard about our conversation, I wouldn't want her to think there was NO possibility of us getting together.
A while later, this girl I was obssessing over got a haircut. This haircut was amazing. She transformed her whole look and she actually wasn't even close to the "on-the-verge-of-ugly" girl I used to know. I was horrified, because everyone loved her look. Complimenting her, telling her she looked so different, that she looked amazing. For a while... I think I actually had real feelings for her, because she now had the personality AND the looks. I wanted her to know I was still a possibility for her, and so I told her that I had a crush on a really hot girl (which wasn't a lie, there actually was a hot girl that lived down the road from me who was so hot that I choked every time she walked by my window).
She seemed surprised and said she didn't know I was "still interested in girls". I said I'd "come to terms with myself". I then successfully managed to veer the conversation into reminiscing about us. I pretended I was annoyed with myself for not moving on when other people did, subtly hinting at her. She took the bait and said she still felt the same about me. I was pretty much fucking grinning at this point because my plan was going so unbelievably well. I didn't know how things were with her girlfriend, but I secretly wished they were together, so I could feel the satisfaction that I won. I found out they had broken up a month or so before this, however.
I played with her for a week or so, acting oblivious for the fun of it. She then asked me to be her girlfriend. I was sort of annoyed when she asked me, because I wanted to be the one to initiate the relationship. I wanted to make the first move and be the leader between us, but she just went ahead and asked.
We would text each other every night until 2am, mostly talking about sexual things. What we would do to each other. I got a kick out of getting her to confess her sexual fantasies to me, but then I'd confess too. It sort of felt like a real relationship and I just felt confused. It felt so easy. I was sort of not convinced by it. This funny, popular, pretty girl was into me? Just me, and no one else?
Literally a couple of days later and I was annoyed with her again. I was annoyed that she'd given in to me that easily. She wasn't a complicated person at all. I knew everything about her personality and not because she told me, but because she was such a simple person. I got the feeling she was lonely too.
The reason I wanted her was because she seemed cool and fun and active. All we did when we were together was sit around and make sexual jokes and then she'd start talking about her anxiety. We spent a few nights in bed together but we didn't do anything other than cuddle and talk, much to my annoyance. She turned out to be way more boring than she looked/acted. We were only together for a couple of months and in that time we barely saw each other, because I kept telling her I was too tired.
I then went away abroad for 2 weeks and I lied and said I would have no wifi or service so that she wouldn't try to text me. I had already realised at this point that I needed to get rid of her. She wanted to see me all the time and I never wanted to see her. I just wanted to know that she belonged to me and no one else. I wanted her company every now and then and I didn't want her date anyone else, but I didn't want her texts 24 fucking 7.
I avoided her a couple of days after I got home and then I simply told her over text that I was "worried our friendship was going to be ruined". That was my excuse, anyway. I told her we would still be close. I then ignored her.
I've seen her around and I just feel irritated that she isn't mine. But I don't want her. I don't really know what my sexuality is, so I just don't bother giving myself a label.
Anyway, thanks for reading. In conclusion, I think I might have some emotionally abusive tendencies. I don't want all my relationships to end up like this, but I can't stop the thoughts of annoyance whenever they want to see me. I always want to be in control and I never want to see a fucking "good morning <3" text.
TL;DR: I manipulated and played with a girl's feelings for a year and a half and I honestly wasn't that into her anyway. Feel free to be honest. I know I'm kinda shitty.
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self.offmychest
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Finding friends online Anyone have an app to suggest just for making friends? Everything I can find is for hookups or dating, I want neither. I could just go off all my meds & be the life 3 AM life of a strangers party, but alas I have a wonderful antipsychotic flatness putting up walls in front of me these days...
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self.bipolar
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I don't get why I thought I had a chance [deleted]
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self.depression
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Hi. I think i need help. I know im not in a healthy state of mind. It hurts. I dont know how to explain it. How do i seek help. I send messages by acting abnormally but the abnormal has become the norm, my family is just used to me being weird. Sometimes im high sometimes im sullen but all the time i dont feel anything. The smallest insult hurts, the motivation is dwindling. I dont want to say i have depression but it really sucks. I used to think i was at my peak, just a year ago. Life was great then, but what happened? Im still studying, i get great grades but i feel nothing. Is this depression? I dont want this. I have a big exam in 2018 and i cant afford to feel shitty. I try to hide this feelings from my friends but sometimes i cant help but say some dumb shit and they just think im being a dick. Im boring, im lame. Im a shadow of what i used to be. Why? Really never thought i would get to this stage.
I hope everyone has a good day and lives a good life.
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self.depression
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My body is wrecked from severe depression, many years untreated either by therapy or meds. Any other bedridden depressives here? I am doing a little better now, but for years I went untreated and couldn't get out of bed unless it was to walk a couple blocks to the liquor store. Now I'm dealing with some severe health issues related to being that sedentary. I'm so weak it's hard for me to walk, I have no core strength whatsoever, I suffer from a lot of other chronic pain.
My question to anybody who has recovered from this is how did you do it? I'm focusing on developing self-discipline, but I still have a hard time getting out of bed even. I saw a trainer for a bit, so I know it's possible for me to do it, but it took everything out of me. I know it mostly comes down to will, I wanted to see if there are any tips or techniques to help a very weak person develop some strength. I don't even know how to build a foundation, which is why I'm seeking out physical therapy.
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self.depression
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Super anxious because I submitted a grad school application Yes you see it right, I have anxiety attack over not a rejection but a mere submission of an application.
The prospect of the point of no return makes me very very uneasy since I cannot go back and edit anything after submission, and I always feel I would have made some grave mistake here and there. Although had proof read the entire application a million times and found no trace of mistakes, I could not disperse the fear that some grave mistakes lies somewhere in my application.
I have been stressing out for things that I rationally know is not likely/will not be a big deal (like this one), and I just cannot persuade myself to stop fearing with reason.
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self.Anxiety
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Self-Hatred Relationship with my Mindset When I was in grade 8, i was verbal bullied a lot, people were very judgmental about how I looked, or how i did. Ever since then, now i'm in junior i feeling so self-aware about myself and feeling hatred in my mindset. Not only that but my social skills isn't the best. For example I attempt a conversation, but i felt anxious that the topic will be boring and uninteresting or i'll stutter a lot and ended a conversation with "never mind". And now i felt like i hate myself and annoyed. It's like the " i should've done better in the past then now and i feel extremely insecure" syndrome.
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self.depression
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he who tries to save the world doesn't know how to save himself he's built such tall walls all around himself
and he has painstakingly laid brick on brick
to let everyone out and keep himself in.
look into his eyes, he'll look away when you dig deep
he's right there in front of you,
but his mind is elsewhere
how would he save himself tho
he who tries to save the world doesn't know how to save himself
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self.depression
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Paranoid/intrustive thoughts? For quite a few years now I've been dealing with one delusion that I can't seem to shake, and it is that I'm afraid people are putting drugs in my drinks.
I know that it is an irrational thought and I've never actually been drugged, but I don't know how to overcome those thoughts. I do have anxiety although I exhibit no symptoms of schizophrenia or anything like that. My anxiety can be very bad at times but otherwise I am functional and reasonable, but these thoughts make me afraid sometimes.
Is this typical of anxiety? I take medication for it. Perhaps a side effect? I have had bad experiences with drugs in the past and I am sober. I think maybe my fear of drugs has led to this, but it has been a hurdle I cannot seem to overcome. I don't like to take food/drinks from other people unless I have prepared it myself.
I still eat and drink so it hasn't been a debillitating issue, I wouldn't say it has effected my life negatively other than the anxiety of it all. Has anyone had similar thoughts? What did you do about them? No matter how much I tell myself that they're irrational they still creep up on me.
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self.Anxiety
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How do my parents look me in the eyes everyday and not see the mental pain I suffer because when I look in the mirror I see nothing but numbness.
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self.SuicideWatch
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pain pain pain Back again lol
For those living with chronic pain.. I salute you. It's starting to impact my mood and I've slipped big time. Combined with a cataclysmic event in my life, depression is emerging. And I'm angry. Angry cos it's spring and I love spring (summer not so much!). I guess I didn't fit the winter blues bill this year.
I have been stable for a fair while now but know that this is just a bump in the road. Just wanted to vent a little bit.
I hope you are all well, and those in the southern US are safe and healthy.
Cheers mates
X
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self.bipolar
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Soon. 22M. I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe I want help? Maybe just someone to talk to? Or to just vent? I don't know. I plan on doing it either tomorrow or Tuesday.
For those of you that are wondering how:
1,200mg of Lamictal
1,050mg of Propranolol
Hell I might even throw some Paxil in there
Why?
I guess it all goes back to when I was a child when I was molested by my mother (that feels so good to actually say considering I've never told anyone). My mother was also a drug addict and an alcoholic who would "spank" me and my sister on a daily basis. My father? Well he was at work a lot of the time. When they got divorced he turned into an alcoholic, narcissistic asshole who would verbally abuse me most days.
Which leads to now. I have debilitating social anxiety, general anxiety, depression, bipolar II, and body dysmorphia.
I just thought I would share my story. I have been on this sub reddit for a while and would like to thank all of you and I hope that all of you that are struggling find some peace.
-S
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self.SuicideWatch
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Coming to my senses I've realized that staying here was too much for me. The academic curriculum is something that i never experienced and i hate it. I'm planning to transfer out to my local university next semester and imm having trouble transferring my credits. Can someone help me? I've been so tired everyday meeting the demands and i just have to ride the wave until i can finally take a step back for home. Is it a good idea?
I know i'm not the smartest aside from other people but this is the best i can do to make sure i'm not turning insane. I've had many different phases of emotions currently and i just want to end it all. I'm clearly fucked in the head to argue with my parents and cry out for my friends help of college. I'm mentally ill and i might check a psychiatrist after all of this. Damn, i hate going to college here.
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self.depression
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unnecessary overthinking: all. the. time. I find that I get stuck in this mindset where, despite therapy, I overthink so many little actions I’ve done and I can’t let things go.
It happens *all* the time. I get so upset over little events that really shouldn’t matter at all, yet they end up mattering anyways. sometimes it gets hard to convince myself that I haven’t done anything genuinely wrong.
Does this happen to anybody else?
for example, today, I went to the post office to package & mail a framed piece of work, to surprise an old friend back in my hometown.
the kind soul working there today took waay more steps than necessary to ensure the glass frame was safe in the box; going a little overboard with bubble wrap as well as sealing the exterior of the box with lots of extra plastic wrapping. it was so kind of them to care that much about helping me get the gift shipped safely, but the parcel ended up looking like it contained an ancient artifact; there were so many layers of plastic.
...this friend and I have talked a lot recently about working towards being more eco friendly in general, incorporating more “zero waste” habits into our daily lives.
up until I was paying to ship the artwork home, it didn’t seem like a big deal. since then, I’ve been nothing but upset at myself for deciding to send them something requiring such overly-excessively packaging.
I can’t help but feel like this was a bit selfish and insensitive of me. i’m worried that my friend back at home is just going to be offended; and the artwork isn’t even THAT amazing to have framed it in the first place.
I realize I’m internally blowing things out of proportion but that doesn’t make me feel any less awful for not thinking ahead
how do you not get hung up about little things?
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self.Anxiety
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My babysitter cuts herself and idk what to do help I'm 11 (so sorry if im too young for here) but my neighbours daughter who is 19 sometimes takes care of me when mom is out and I saw cuts on her arm today like a lot of cuts and idk what to do should I tell her??
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self.depression
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Traumatic event involving my right hand has now caused my right hand to be hypersensitive. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Anyone else experience these feelings? I am not sure if I have anxiety, and I am wondering if anyone else out there experiences these.
I typically will overthink future events and overdramatize them. For example, everytime I miss school I am always worried I will encounter a nosey teacher questioning me and get in trouble somehow.
I also feel adrenaline when I talk to strangers (I don't mind talking to people but I always have an adrenaline rush go through me where I irrationality think, sometimes get hostile because I'm not completely realizing what they're saying, and get extremely shakey in my hands.
I like to distract myself from life because it worries me and I do this by Gaming, listening to music, watching youtube, and sleeping. (I do this instead of something such as homework or hanging out with friends and family)
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self.Anxiety
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I’m nothing but a manipulating, drug addict fiend I’ve been taking heavy doses of sleeping pills (benzos) every day for like 2 months. Pop like 6-8 a day Total. I’ll do 11-15 pills at once if I wanna get fucked up.
I got caught high on them in school and they sent me to the ER, and gave me a 7 day out of school suspension.
The ER just referred me to a weekly drug/alcohol outpatient center. The MD at the emergency room diagnosed me with Major Depressive Disorder and Subtance Use Disord.
I want to get clean, but deep inside me I know that I won’t stop taking these drugs.
I already lied to everybody saying I’m getting clean ,but even after the ER.
Being a drug addict is the only thing that makes me feel good. At this point I don’t care if I die from withdrawal or an overdose or something. At this point I pretty much wanna die.
All I can feel is guilt, hopelessness, agony, and regret, for what I’ve done to myself.
I could’ve had a good life, but drugs have taken that all away. Nobody in my life wants me . My family thinks I’m a disgrace and my friends couldn’t give a fuck about my personal issues. No girls have ever wanted me.
Im a husk of the person I used to be. I just wanna disappear forever.
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self.offmychest
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Undiagnosed? I believe I was bipolar when younger. In looking into the subject I had many of the symptoms. I remember waking up with my head on fire, thoughts and ideas rushing like a torrent in every direction. My body felt fantastic as well, but what was happening inside my head seemed so right, so perfect, something I wanted to never end. Then the inevitable crash, the slow descent, not into normalcy, but into the utter basement of existence. No energy at all, depression, a feeling of despair.
The good news is I seem to have grown past this phase of my life. Honestly, I didn't go for evaluation or treatment because I didn't want to be labeled, have a paper trail detailing the condition.
I do sometimes long for the mental 'high' I experienced, but not at the expense of enduring the 'lows'. It was like a wave form with this incredible (though relatively short) crest followed by an incredible deep (and much longer lasting) trough.
I'd appreciate any thoughts or insights you guys have. Was I bipolar? It's an area of interest and I'd appreciate any input. Thanks!
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self.bipolar
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Idk what I’m doing with myself I️ feel like everything I️ do is worthless. I’m in the same routine day after day and it’s so abominably boring. It’s just school and work and I’m always doing things for others and the benefit of others but nobody cares to check on me. I’m always asking people if they’re okay, starting convos, etc. and yet nobody cares to ask how I️ am. Half the time I️ don’t even get responses from people. It’s like I️ don’t matter to anyone at this point. I’m to the point I️ feel no emotion. I️ just have this sort of deep emptiness and I️ can’t seem to break out of this. I️ just want some sort of human connection or relationship and I️ can’t seem to get that with anyone. I️ feel pointless.
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self.depression
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Question How do you feel when you switch meds abruptly?
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self.bipolar
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crosspost from /advice I'm at a crossroads with career due to mental illness I'm 26 I do tier 1&2 tech support and other IT tasks at a decently sized fortune #### company. I've been diagnosed with bipolar for 6 years. Anxiety and previously depression for 15
I've been having one of the worst depressed episodes in years. We're going on 5 months now. Typically when I have an episode and I'm working the either the collateral damage from the mania or stagnancy from the depression lead to me losing my job. But with this one I have short term disability insurance and FMLA so my job is protected.
I'm at home thinking about what I want to do with my life and if the life I lead could be contributing to the stress I feel. I went to high school for writing and was a college drop out for film. I have a passion for the arts, a talent for the science, and an interest in a lot of other fields. And surmountable debt from my previous studies.
Part of me knows the reasonable thing would be to go back to work, but it feels like a big ol wall is blocking me.
The tricky thing is that the disease makes you feel like moving and making changes and starting new projects and idk if thats what that really is. I could use some outside insight
I'm trying to figure out if it makes sense to go back to school and apply for disability/scholarships/ect or continue down the technology path.
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self.bipolar
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I hooked up with my childhood friend's mom for New Years. I am 21 and she was 40. Throwaway for obvious reasons because he can never know. And I also can't tell my friends in real life about this for obvious reasons. Lots of obvious reasons. Anyways just want to get this off my chest. My friend was hosting a nye party, and his mom came back around 12:30 or so. She came from a dry party and says it was pretty lame. At this point, most people there were already settling down or were already passed out drunk. My friend was a friend of mine back in grade school, and we havent seen eachother since I went into college. He was one of the only people there i hung out with uch at the party, since the others there i didnt know and we didnt click much. Me and his mom were just all around having a fun time, playing against people in beer pong and talking about Bob Seger. Anyways remaining people went outside and hung around a fire. My friend was inside trying to hook up with another girl, and eventually it became just me and her. Its hard to say exactly, but i just felt she was into me, just looking at me different. When it was just me and her, this was around 1:30 or 2. We talked for a long time and laughed and was enjoying each others company. Recently when i was in college i realized something about myself. I am very inexperienced and havent been with many girls. In middle school I knew it was because I was a weirdo and ugly, but now im quite well adjusted and above average looking in my opinion. I still had that mindset I had in middle school in the present though, and didnt really realize that I have changed. Subconsciencly I still thought i was that weirdo inside, and that in turn was partly the reason for being so inexperienced for so long. Anyways I need to get back on topic. What I realized though, is that I never put myself out there and make sure im avaliable and that was the reason for having a very uneventful sex life, not because im weird or ugly or anything like that. So with that in mind, i just went out on a limb. Said literally "do you want to make out"? she laughed for a second, looked me in the eyes, said "one condiction, he can never know" him being my friend. We were most definitly on the same page about that. we went into the shed, shed our clothes, and we started to make out. We left the shed, I went into her room, and we went into her room and went down on each other multiple times, it was amazing nad farthest i have gone thus far. It was like, she was hot just in general, and just the added tabooness of it and sneaking around made it even more hot. In the morning, we had to sneak around so no one else could know, got some fast food, and at this point most everyone was gone and her son was at work. We kept on going for about another hour, and then i went back home. I got her phone number, and we have been texting each other. Its looking like its going to happen again, and i may go all the way. I wasnt quite comfortable doing it that night, but im thinking i really want to and im ready. Anyways thats it, felt like i needed to explode. I feel like a shit friend, but all of this overpowers that feeling and i dont care, and now i feel bad for not caring. If we have been more closer friends recently i would be more reserved, but i felt something come over me. im usually reserved and sorta meek, but i felt powerful, i loved pleasing her and hearing her pleasure and knowing it was because of me.
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self.offmychest
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Meditation is making me anxious I do a couple sessions a day on headspace. Just opening the app gets my heart racing. The silence, I can’t run from my worries or drown them out. It’s torture. Just me and my mind. How long until it gets easier? I’m about two days in right now and it’s my most dreaded part of the day.
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self.Anxiety
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My joints hurt immensely and I'm feeling hopeless about the future Even though I've accepted the fact I have arthritis it still sucks when I get to thinking about it..
I've been feeling aware of the dull ache in my hands today. It's been bumming me out. Right now it feels like my right shoulder is burning. All I can think about is worry about the future.
Like ... oh shit is this only getting worse from here on out?
It's getting to the point where I'd like some painkillers and sleeping in bed all day. Just want to stay in bed.
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self.depression
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Anxiety over fear of losing Sole close person I'm not sure I'm in the right place, I'm not sure where the right place might even be and I think I butchered the title and I'm sorry for that and...
Things keep slapping the term codependency in my face but the descriptions of that are so far off the mark nothing said is helpful. I thought about using a throwaway account for this but this is who I am and hiding it won't probably do any good.
I'll summarize first:
My mother is my only IRL friend, and only one of two family I am remotely close to. So by all accounts she is my very best friend ever. Our lives are intertwined around each other and for the most part we are inseparable for long. This is not a good thing I know, but I imagine is no different that any sole relationship, be it best friend, child, or significant other.
Occasionally I get stuck in a dark place in my mind about how I'm going to cope without her and knowing I very well may not be able to. I like to think I'm strong, but I don't think I'm that strong. And I get anxiety attacks over thinking about a thousand what-ifs all resulting in her being taken from me.
I need advice, I cannot sever this relationship, the thought is unthinkable BUT I need a plan for carrying on, or for making my situation better/healthier. I'm in a unique position in the family for this, there is no one I can ask, or even anyone who can relate. I'm alone, I'm with her but alone, because I know when she is gone I cannot turn to her for help, it will be the first time, and it scares me enough to make me nauseous my chest feels like it is being crushed I cannot think eat drink, I just want to curl into a ball and scream.
Details:
For at least 20 years (I'm 38) my mother and I have been close friends. She is not big on friends, and nether am I. I've never been comfortable socially, I'm bipolar, and suffer from depression. I have anxiety too.
Since my father passed some years ago, we were not close, and she was not especially close to him however what closeness she had with him slowly shifted over to me. This mainly means who she chose to talk to, about her day, about her life, about her hopes and her fears, and as such I reciprocated the same.
This is amplified by an especially strong sense of family my mother has, and has in part passed on to me. Blood stands by blood, no matter what.
We are a perfect match, too perfect. We fill in for other other almost to 100%
I really don't know what else to say, I doubt anyone will even reply especially because I've been so wordy. I just, I dunno what to do or how to cope with the anxiety waves that are crushing me.
**TL;DR- I am getting crushing anxiety over the thought of and eventual loss of my mother who I am dependent on emotionally and is my only friend and I need help, I need to fix this, I need to know how to cope with this anxiety before it kills me because damned it is trying.**
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self.Anxiety
|
I feel numbness from a feeling perspective after my best friend commited suicide I have lost the capacity to love people, I still can laugh and have some sense of humor (dark humor because the death of my friend left me with a great void).
I was suicidal before my friend died from committing suicide at the start of a new year in a masters program, but after he died I was in shock, I cried, but also sudently didn't feel anything. After that shock I became more suicidal an had to go to various psychologist and finally with a psychiatrist.
I received medication and recovered the feeling of numbness similar to when I had the shock for the suicide of my friend. I explained to my psychiatrist this and to my family and they said it was normal. I have stopped goint to the psychiatrist and reduced the medication gradually until stopping it altogether.
The last 4 months I just have had about 2 or 3 panic attacks that just resulted in crying and desesperation without any rational reason, just irrational hopelessness. But in general I hadn't feel the desire to suicide, I still think about suicide but I don't have interest in committing it.
Finally, the point of this text expression is that I can't feel true happiness, I don't enjoy gaming (which I did before), I stil enjoy watching TV if the show is interesting, but I don't feel the same pleasure I had before. I feel everything doesn't make sense.
I'm not under medication, I have practically overcome my sucidial thoughts, and depression is not present, but hopelessness about every aspect of life is still here.
What I'm mising, why I can't feel pleasure or love for things anymore?
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self.depression
|
"minor" obstacle averted I have a terrible phobia of medical needles, stemming from a traumatic experience early in my childhood.
After years of therapy and a prescription for topical lidocaine, and a lot of willpower, I got my flu vaccine today. This is two years in a row and I'm so proud of myself!
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self.Anxiety
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Numb When I take medication I feel hungry and numb is a very debilitating thing but when I dont take I am very lazy, can not function and desmotivated.
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self.bipolar
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Coping with anxiety and panic attacks I've been having really bad panic and anxiety attacks lately. (Yes, I'm taking meds and everything) The kinds where you can't breathe, your chest feels heavy, and your whole body just contracts and you can't even handle yourself. If I'm with a friend he or she would usually hug me and hold my head waiting for it to pass. They end with me crying and sobbing while saying sorry. Repeating it, to be honest. Cause even afterwards I feel drained and can't catch my breath I keep repeating sorry. Even when I'm alone, and I don't know what to do anymore. It just keeps getting worse. And I have no idea why I keep saying I'm sorry.
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self.Anxiety
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Life has become too predictable and nothing helps me anymore. [deleted]
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self.depression
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What is this Feeling I feel? To call it dizziness doesn't feel just right. Un balanced it the best way I think I can describe it. This is my biggest symptom that scares me, and to a degree I feel it almost 24/7. Have you ever turned your head real fast from one direction to another, and felt a lil off balance (especially looking from down to up)? That's how I feel whenever I turn my head at any speed at any direction, always. Most times its so slight I can barely notice it, if I keep busy I won't think about it for most the day. But when I notice it, Im so aware of it that I'll keep my head straight for most of the day and my neck goes REALLY stiff because of so. I hate it. It's gotten to the point that I'm just so mad I feel it, I start waving my head left and right, bouncing up and down just to see If I can make it worse, to confirm that I ACTUALLY AM feeling this.
Never do I feel like the area around me is spinning, its more internal, like my head is too heavy and bobbles around like a bobble head at the slightest movement. At one point I thought maybe my feet aren't doing a good job of keeping myself balanced. You know when you stay super still, you notice you aren't perfectly still, like your body is still bobbing around a little bit trying to maintain balance , I notice this times 10, I never feel truly still.
I want to know if this feeling is REAL or not, or if its all in my head, just overthinking my every sensation of reality. When I start thinking about It I start thinking maybe I'm going to pass out, but in the 4 months of having anxiety I have never passed out, even in my worst of panic attacks. It's the worst, walking around can sometimes help it go away or sometimes make me notice it more.
To double on, I get head pressure, usually around the sinuses area, but mostly on the left side of my head (temple area). Now I live in an area where I'm super allergic to most things outside [Mountain Cedar, Oak, Mold, most grasses, Dogs], and guess what, because of anxiety I've found myself going outside a lot to calm me down (I even own a dog), So that's it right? But then why do I still feel it even inside.
I'm so scared that the off balance, the pressure, the ringing in the ears (yeah I have that too) is all signs to a brain tumor. But my doc says its all anxiety, and recommends I don't even try an MRI (my family is poor and our insurance is shit), he says brain tumor would've had worst symptoms like headaches, seizures and blacking out.
Will this unbalance ever go away? is it something serious, can I learn to live with it? Sorry I'm just so lost with this
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self.Anxiety
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Please... if you see this. Help. Before reading this: I was diagnosed with bipolar over a year ago and previously diagnosed with ADHD, Anxiety, and Depression. I havent been on any medications since my freshman year of HS. Im a 3rd year college student.
I have gone through the worst thing I could ever experience within the past 3 years. At the age of 3, my Mom abandoned me and went to jail and my Dad was working and so I was forced to stay with my Aunt until I was 7 and then my Grandmother until 13. At the age of 13, my Dad decided he wanted me to come live with him an hour away from my hometown which lasted 3 years. During this time, he was all emotionally, physically, and mentally abusive.
Examples include: Being called gay, Youre gonna end up like your mother, You’re dumb, You’re a follower, You’ll end up in jail ( I was a kid who never got written up in HS once) and graduated with a 2.94.
As I said... this lasted for 3 years. After my freshman year of HS, he had completely fallen out of love with my Stepmom at the time (divorced). So, he decided to move down to Georgia. I was very much against and before leaving my hometown I was told if I ever wanted to come back I could. (I asked to come back just about everytime I called) Yet my Grandmother and Aunt still insist to this day this was never the case. Not sure if they forgot or if they just feel bad.
Im now a 3rd year college student and things have kinda gotten to the peak. Ill explain. I got here freshmen year and things were really REALLY good for once. I was away from my Dad and made new “friends.” The way I met them was by pure circumstance. Ill call them A1, A2, and A3. I met A1 the first day of school and we helped each other find classes. A3 was my 4th roommate and A2 was met through a common friend. I introduced all 3 and A2 decided he didnt want to be friends anymore. No reason, no explanation just one day we were friends and the next day A1-3 all decided they didnt want to be friends with me and now theyre still friends to this day. So... after this happens you just move on right? So 2nd year I make a few new friends, but this time I had a best friend who I did everything with. I still dont know to this day what actually happened but he was on the verge of suicide himself and I wanted to be the person to just be there. Short story short I ended up letting him borrow $1800 dollars from me that summer. We things got really bad with him we argued all the time
which led me to take a bunch of sleeping pills trying to kill myself. Please realize that over each summer I was forced to go home and stay with my Dad. I went to a psychiatrist alone... my family decided in their heads that my best friend was my gay lover and that I tried to commit suicide only for attention because he left. (Im straight, and one thing he understood even though he hates me was that it was all the things going on. This man messaged my Dad and said the words “I think you need to be ther for ______, hes going through a lot right now. While at school my Dad turned that huge lie. The way I found out was by unlocking his phone while he was in the shower just to find out he lied. I lost about 15 pounds during this time and gained most back and then again made new friends. We had a large and diverse friend group. Always were around each other, but they all actually just disappeared. All different situations but wont go into depth. Period point blank... friends dont leave friends. Im sure you noticed you never heard about school.... completely ruined that for myself after the first year with ending up with a 3.0 after that year. I have a 1.1 GPA. If anyone has any advice its appreciated. I actually dont currently have friends. I couldnt handle what was happening and I lied about school and my Dad cut my phone off and I had to pay $300 out of pocket for a new phone as well as paying my $333 rent. Family knows the truth now btw. Im sorry I wrote a lot. I dont wish this on anyone. Sorry.
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self.depression
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How to escape self loathing? I feel trapped. So, I've already posted this to another relevant subreddit, sorry if you're not supposed to do that, I'm not a regular to reddit lol.
It physically hurts. I am absolutely disgusted with myself. I feel so ugly, fat, worthless.. No, I'm not an average/pretty girl who just *thinks* these things. I really, really am. Sorry to be such a downer, noone reading this should feel the need to respond, but I just need to vent. I am legitimately, one hundred percent ugly. By society's standards and my own.
I can:
• wash my face 10+ times a day
• moisturise, exfoliate and use acne treatments every day
• exercise every day, and eat no more than 700kcal a day
• wear makeup
• spend ages on my hair (straightening or curling it)
• shower twice a day
• brush my teeth 4 times a day, drinking through straws in an attempt not to stain my teeth
I do all of these things! Nothing rids me of these feelings and this absolutely disgusting nature my appearance has! It's nothing fixable! I'm obsessive at this point. It's controlling my life. Absolutely everything I do is dictated by my appearance. I'd give absolutely anything to look average. I can't tell if this is some sort of dysmorphia or if I look the way I see. What throws me off is the inconsistencies. I don't know what I look like. I can't picture myself at all. I look like a different person every time I see muself. I'm so confused and lost and miserable. People tell me I need to love myself, but how? How do I unlearn years of loathing and hatred? How do I accept myself when I'm not what society wants? I'm really sorry, this is insanely self-centred, negative and rambles on alot. I just need to get it out.
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self.depression
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Life just feels like a literal dream You can skip over the first paragraph of you really want to.
For some quick background info, I am 15 and have attempted suicide twice before. On June 26, 2015, I tried to strangle myself with a belt. I I couldn't tie a good knot though. On September 2 of this year, I tried to run about half a mile away from my parents while on a trip to Niagara Falls in order to jump off. Never could bring myself to do it, though. I refused to jump because I would never be able to give my parents closure about my death.
Anyways, I have some questions to ask.
Have you ever felt like you don't actually exist? That you've already experienced death? That it just doesn't add up for you to be able to stand here?
Do you feel that you're just someone else's memory of you; a living ghost chained to the earth by the grips of other people's minds and memories?
A being that no longer progresses or changes in thought?
And, for whatever reason, do you ever wonder if you are really feeling rain on your face when you step outside in stormy weather?
Do you ever feel like you are the only thing that does exist? That the world is just a creation of your own memories and imagination?
I guess I do. But only sometimes. I don't know what the point of telling someone who may or may not be real is, but it doesn't matter.
Did I actually jump off of Niagara, or is this actually still reality? Is this what the afterlife is like? Just... the same thing?
I just want to be free. I want to live in my own world of childlike wonder and imaginative creation. But I'll never have it. I can write about fantastical worlds, but I cannot live in them. I just want to die so that I can be free of this pain. Is this world really real, though?
Time will tell, I suppose. If this world is real, then I will go back to death's door and I will open it. Only then will the pain be over. Maybe I'll even be able to dream. I don't think so, though. I don't deserve to be happy because of what I think and the fact that a stranger I saw is probably dead due to my lack of intervention.
Apologies for the bad sentence structure.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm probably not going to do it if I'm honest. But I want to. It'd be easy. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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My insecurities I'm not sure if this is the right place to post this. I feel like my insecurities have contributed greatly to my depression. I have this insecurity of not being remembered or being replaced and it just screws up with my mind. Like I don't know how to deal with it. I still struggle with it daily.
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self.depression
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I went to uni mainly in spite of the psychiatrists who told me I would never succed at anything else but welfare - now it seems like I'll have to drop out. Any advice? [a bit of a rambling rant] I made a couple of [posts](https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/comments/6wmze7/holy_sheeeet_i_just_emailed_all_my_soontobe/) 2 months back, before I started uni, that were relatively popular (~400 upvotes) so I thought I'd give a few updates here.
The title is basically just that when I was diagnosed, they told me there wouldn't be any money to treat me and it was cheaper for the county to put me on permanent welfare the rest of my life than risk having me on therapy for 20+ years. I said "f*ck that I am going to law school anyways" and then I busted my ass off and got one of the highest average grades so I was able to get in with no problem. Now I am here and it's all falling to bits ;_; Paranoia, OCD, anxiety, extreme loneliness (like I maybe have one actual friend that I am losing very quickly right now, a few mates that barely respond to my messages so I have stopped trying and NO ONE that could check on me for maybe like 3-4 months if I fell and broke something badly or something like that) and a re-emerging eating disorder.
I'm trying to get on some more permanent medicine than oxabenz (benzos) but it's going slowly and I am already getting paranoid of my doctor so I am considering ending this course of treatments for now.
In school there's no attendance or verbal grades and I had a good professor who helped me a bit but now it seems like in one of my class-activies, we'll have to present questions to the class every week which I am not ready for. The instructor told me she was perfectly okay with me skipping the presentation but the groups are random every week and I'll have to explain the situation to a new group of 4-5 people every time - ain't no way in hell I could handle that without going over the recommended dosage which is 2 pills a day (taken 1 at a time) which already doesn't do anything for my anxiety at all other than scratch the surface.
Also I've lost so much weight. 30lbs in 5 weeks and now I am down to roughly 110lbs (I am 6'2-6'3). I eat about a bowl of oatmeal on a good day and on bad days I eat that every other day. Then once in a while I binge on a bag of chips. I can't eat anymore and despite how I can see it logically that I am way too thin (like my face is extremely thin, veins popping out under my eyes, barely being able to walk for extended periods of time etc.), I still see myself as fat/chubby and can barely think about anything but "oh when I sit like this I can feel my tummy".
Also the paranoia is so bad. It effects my OCD so I now spend 3-4 hours a day on compulsions, I hallucinate a lot and I end up spending 5+ days at a time locked in my very small dorm room. Speaking of dorm room - I am 99.9% sure that someone here is breaking into my room and additionally my bike's tires are constantly messed with (they don't cut the tires but they let out all the air, spit all over it, wipe snot on the handle bars and my brakes have been cut - the bike room is locked and only accessible by the 15 people that share the communal kitchen sooo it's people who know me and my name..)
---
So yeah despite all the nice comments you guys gave me and the top optimism it gave me, I think I will have to drop out. And then I will be kicked out of here and even if my parents say I can come live with them, I highly doubt it so maybe I will have to live on the streets, since I can't fullfill the disability demands :(
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self.Anxiety
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Do you guys ever fantasize about parallel universes? There's a parallel universe out there, with a neurotypical me, who isn't bipolar, and hasn't had to struggle through with their mental health issues. And sometimes i think about what kind of life they have, and how it's probably better than mine, and how they've probably accomplished more in life.
And I can't stand the idea of it.
I find myself constantly competing them, trying to prove that I can have good things too, trying to prove that they ain't shit, and that I can do everything they can do despite being mentally ill, and 10x better - because i don't take things for granted.
They are basically my no. 1 motivator when it comes to life
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self.bipolar
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what are some signs that you are in the deep bad and need professional help? any help would be great. thank you.
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self.depression
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My Medication Journey (23 y/o male, 2 suicide attempts, MDD and GAD) Hello,
I'm going through my medication journey and I want some advice. I am a 23 year old male university student diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder and General anxiety disorder.
for 2.5 years I was taking a combo of Prozac and Wellbutrin XL and it was working for a while. I was able to achieve a GPA of 3.6 in that time. But it sort of became less effective. My doctor decided that I should change and so far hasn't been working so well.
In no particular order, I was on venlafaxine, lexepro, hydroxyzine, proproponol.
2017 has not been fruitful for me. I failed both semesters. 2 months ago I had 2 suicide attempts. One was a at a gun range. I rented a gun and tried to shoot myself. I target practiced to get a feel for shooting for some reason. Then I pointed the gun at myself but I froze for a while and couldn't pull the trigger.
second attempt I was at thanksgiving break. Both my roommates were away for 5 days. I kept getting high to distract myself. But after the 5th day, I was in such a dark mindset that I overdosed on Inderal (proproponol). I ended up talking to my sister before going to sleep (forever). She told me that I should go to the hospital right away or she will call 911. so I went.
right now, I'm on 150mg of Zoloft and 5mg of Abilify. have been on it for 2 to 3 weeks. I have been feeling generally tired and lethargic. Also very unmotivated. I didn't like how the medication was going, so I asked my doctor. She told me to wait it out since it was too early.
I am unsatisfied with the medication so far. I don't feel functional at all. I have no choice but to give it time now. Does anyone have any history with this medication or disorders? I would appreciate any advice.
Thank you.
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self.Anxiety
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How can I like myself? I’ve noticed lately that my energy level is very very low. It usually was but now its insanely low. And..I know why. I’ve always been struggling with depression, but the one thing that could keep me the slightest bit happy was myself. I loved myself, who I was, the way I looked. But ever since 7th grade I felt..different. (I’m in 8th now) now I know it’s only been a year and a half but still...it’s been too long. I’ve never felt this way. I can barely go to school because of how much I feel hated. Mostly I hate myself. I can’t walk through the halls normally, I can’t without thinking at least 5 negative thoughts about myself. Getting off the bus gives me so much anxiety I could cry. I’ve stated this before in my recent posts. Coming up to my stop today I had a panic attack. I tried to control it, but I still feel like people knew something was up. Maybe they didn’t..I’m probably just paranoid like usual. Maybe it’s stress...I’ve been stressing over my grades lately and trying to find out who I am. I don’t want to disappoint anyone. I just want to be able to love myself again. I hate feeling the way I do. Please...what can I do to feel comfortable in my own skin?
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self.depression
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I'm being forced to a nightclub for the first time ever, what's it like? I suffer from pretty bad anxiety and I'm worrying about going out.
I love drinking with my mates but I've never been out to a club before and now my girlfriend is forcing me but I'm really worried about what it's like?
I can't dance, I don't know the words to most songs, I'll find it awkward if someone tries to dance with my girlfriend. I just don't know what it's like. Can someone please give me some serious insight?
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self.Anxiety
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I'm a cheater After years of being unhappy I finally found the perfect girl. She was everything I could have asked for and everything I never deserved. Instead of valuing her and treating her the way she deserved I was unfaithful.
Due to being in school we were forced to go long distance and being a coward I became scared it wouldn't work. At school I met a girl who developed feelings for me. I allowed her to convince me that long distance never works and to see her instead because I'm weak. I slept with her that night and broke up with the girl I loved in the morning. A few days later I couldn't even look her in the face. Now I'm alone which is what I deserve and I even though I can't tell her what I did I hope she doesn't hate me.
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self.offmychest
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When I was a teenager, they told me my problems were temporary and things will get better They lied. Every year of my life has been worse than the last and at 24 I don't see this ever changing. I have nothing complete blind, nihilistic hatred of this society which deemed me worthless and unlovable. Whenever someone tries to sell me any positive motivation, any sort of self-help or even hints that I might be not completely fucked I know that they're full of shit.
There is nothing but suffering in this foul existence.
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self.depression
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Worse than feel sad So, i don't even know if is depression anymore.
I just can't feel nothing good or bad, love or hate, joy or apathy, I just feel empty and the worst part? I just wake, when they smiles I fake my smile, when something happens I fake my worries and I end the day looking in the mirror just asking for myself...
-i'm a human or a puppet?-.
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self.depression
|
Wrote something about getting out of bed I am wrapped in the plush folds of comfort itself, this patchwork of satisfaction shields me from the gnawing misery and impotence of the outside world, it's black tendrils reach for me, only to be repelled by the warmth emanating from within this sanctuary. My body is heat sealed into my shield, I am protected for now, in the moment this is the most welcoming feeling in the world. As the morning haze lifts however, the lens of comfort and satisfaction melts away, the greyness of the coming day seeps into my very essence, souring my euphoric smugness. The claws find their way past the once impenetrable cloth and slowly impale me, hoisting me unceremoniously from my joy. Another day begins anew.
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self.depression
|
It’s my birthday... It’s probably gonna be a lonely birthday but I’m optimistic for the coming year, the past taught a bunch of hard lessons but now I’m gonna work on myself, try decreasing all my depressed thoughts and working on my anxiety. Work on being positive and happy.
I wanted to also mention to anyone out there who needs it, whatever hardship your going through right now you can make it out okay! You’ll be fine!
Have a great day and rockn day!!
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self.offmychest
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Without anxiety, I think I would be a great contributing member of society I think I would have a good stable job, girlfriend, nice place, be able to live comfortably without anxiety. At least thats what i like to think
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self.Anxiety
|
How do people cope with sleep deprivation? Most nights I find it hard to sleep, there's a million things running through my head at once and it's just a blurry mess, I try to fight it and try to sleep but I start breathing real heavy and get little panic attacks. Sometimes I go days without sleeping. I just want to be able to lay down in peace, without the ringing in my ears, without the headache, without panic.
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self.depression
|
What are your thoughts on crowdfunding for a webseries? Do you think it’s taking money away from people who need donations for their illnesses or medical conditions?
I’m a Film Student and have a script and am set to shoot this January. My professors all love it and really think it has a chance. I’m also struggling - my family is okay-off but just moved and it worries me to bother them by asking them to give me 3,000.
What do you think?
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self.Anxiety
|
Holy fuck panic attack... Goddamn Shit that was intense :( very scary
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self.Anxiety
|
Worst part of depression The worst part of my depression is the fact that I KNOW I need to get out of bed, take a shower and go to work. I know I will feel better if I get to work but I literally cannot get out of bed and take care of myself. I don’t care enough about myself to take care of me, but I can stay in bed and beat myself up mentally because I didn’t go to work. This is the vicious cycle I continue.
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self.depression
|
A little less sad tonight I really don't know what to say anymore. I can't say anything about stuff I love to people without feeling like I am a burden to them.
Tonight I landed my first kickflip from the street on to the curb. I've been skating for about 10 years now and never been able to do that until now. It may not seem like a lot but it's a challenge that I've faced with fear most of my life. I'm so happy right now I have no one to share it with so I thought this would be the best place to share it with. I normally don't feel happy anymore or generally feel content but right now I do and I want everyone to share something that they're proud of or something that made them hopeful or brought them comfort in a time of misery.
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self.depression
|
I want to acquire a massive fortune I would buy my friends and family whatever they wanted. I would buy myself nice things and do things I wanted to do. I would personally give the majority of my money to whoever needs it. After all that's done and I get bored with still being depressed, I would shoot myself with my golden bazooka. If I start today, I could be done in 3-4 years.
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self.depression
|
unable to study, go out, form relationships and live in general So I've been taking zoloft for almost a year and I still feel like shit (technically i dont feel that much in general but u get the point). I mean, doc reduced my daily dosage and since I started college about 2 months ago im stressed 24/7. I got kicked out of my aunt's house (did nothing wrong, but shes kinda old and weird), i have a ton of exams coming up, i need to do all of the bureaucracy stuff to get a scholarship. My moms constantly telling me that i cant do shit on my own and i dont even have friends to talk about it. I know i have to contact my doc, but I dont even have time to make an appointment. Because i've been looking for a place to sleep i didnt have time to do anything. At the moment, im too tired and sick of all of this to get things done. I kinda just wanted to let it out, so thanks if you read all of this blabbering. Btw im 19 y.o. girl
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self.depression
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it's physically difficult for me to talk to people [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Something is holding me back. I don't know what it is but something is holding me back from going to my classes. I have missed so much, and on monday i have a test. I think i will stay home too from that. *I have been doing this for atleast two years now.*
Fuck i need help, i think something is seriously wrong with me. I just have this feeling in my stomach everytime i walk out of my house.
I don't even know if i have any issues. I thought i had social problems but i don't even know.
Help needed! Some experts here?
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self.Anxiety
|
I feel like I'm fucking jailed inside my body [deleted]
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self.depression
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school is too much i post here again, because i don’t know where else to find answers. every saturday night it starts. i worry. i don’t even know what about school worries me, but it TERRIFIES ME. I am really scared on sunday nights, right before i have to wake up and start the five day cycle again, and again, and again again again again. i feel that my anxiety about school would lessen, but as my sophomore year goes on, it is getting worse. it got to the point where i cried in a class. not so much full out sobbing, but a tear rolled down my check and i hid my eye so no one would notice. i guess, i don’t really know where i am going with this. i’m just wondering from someone who made it out of this hell hole cycle of high school, how did you possibly make it through this? how do i deal with all the work and all the people. thank you so much.
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self.Anxiety
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Who failed at 'everything' raise your hand No, not the "I recently lost my job, gf/bf, divorced, got cancer, I lost everything." no, you're not the case.
It's not 'failure'. It's just losing something.
What I'm talking about is, never been able to hold onto constant job, maybe dated some but couldn't manage any relationship, invisible to friends, socially awkward, never was pretty, never achieved academic/career success, who never had anything much to lose in the first place,
Would you raise your hands? I wanna see how many are there besides me.
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self.depression
|
Have been considering forcing myself into cardiac arrest for the past few hours I have bulimia and my bloods and heart beat is a bit all over the place. I've been given this task for a job test and I have spent the past 9 hours trying to complete it and I don't think I can. Which proves that I am not good with challenges, resourceful, can't deal with being out of my comfort zone. My parents know me well and I thought I could prove them wrong by perusing a career that they thought I couldn't do. I've planned to move out of the country next week to pursue this career but have realised today that I'm not good enough and that although I believe that you can achieve anything with hard work and determination - I'm not determined enough and I'm too stupid to be able to achieve what I set out to achieve. This has been the worst year I have ever lived and I've been thinking about different ways to kill myself for several months but have been holding out because I thought that I could run away and change my life but this has shown me that I can't. People think it's a selfish thing but I have no friends, really I don't, I'm not a likeable person, my parents hate me. No one would care, it would be a load off for anyone who knows me really. My parents are away for the weekend and I'm quite sure that if I drink a lot of water and throw up and repeat I'll eventually go into cardiac arrest, no one would know, I wouldn't know either as it would be quite sudden. I can finally end this misery. I have been trying to change things for so long and keep thinking "what if?" "just keep trying it won't be like this forever" but yeah I'm a piece of shit and a shit human and the pain is far too much that it physically aches. I'm too embarrassed to show my parents that I've failed again, to have to email the potential employer and tell them that I couldn't do it and I've just wasted everyones time. I'm a loser. I have no one to talk to so you know .. logic, tell the whole f*cking internet
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self.offmychest
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I don’t relate to any of you. Why am I so different? Great life, plenty of close friends, loving, supportive family, smart, handsome... people would kill to be in my shoes. But I don’t wish my life upon anyone. I’ve been at the darkest of times, probably worse than most of you. I’ve been fortunate enough to have insurance be able to cover over a dozen different doctors I’ve had, I’ve been on almost every relevant antidepressant there is at the moment, I’ve even been through ECT treatment! I have literally been dropping doctors and moving on to new ones every time they run out of options for me. I’ve managed to make my way out of the hole I was in for so long, but I will never be happy. I’ve stopped taking antidepressants and the only way I function is through extremely high doses of adderall and benzos. Not to mention I drink plenty of alcohol, smoke cigarettes, and even look forward to something as small as a caffeine buzz just to get by. I stopped using hard drugs out of respect for my parents who have done so much to try to fix me. I feel guilty for being this way. Now they literally just feed me money and luxuries in an attempt to give me the smallest amount of joy. I’m spoiled, nothing has worked, fml.
I’m not trying to say I’m better than you, because trust me I am not. I just feel horrible reading about people who actually have VERY valid reasons to be depressed, while I have had literally every opportunity to get better handed to me with no success. I don’t know, I’m a very unusual patient. The doctors even tell me that. Just thought I’d share, hate on me if you want, I’ll take any feedback.
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self.depression
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