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I Didn't Think I'd Be Back Here So Soon I asked out my crush a couple of weeks ago, and she said yes. I was happy. Like really happy to move on and start a new. But then last week, she shared with me what was going on with her life. This is where I learned that she was depressed. To add, she mentioned that she might not be ready for a relationship with what's going on. I didn't take it to heart since afterwards, we chilled and watched some YouTube videos. And when I left we hugged. But this past week, I noticed that our "relationship" has slowed down. Like, it almost seemed like she didn't want me around at times. Like she was going to leave class and didn't need me to follow her.
But then I thought, "Is it true? Did she really break up with me?". I tried texting her if she told her family that we're dating, but got no response. And I wanted to talk to her about this, but again, no response. I think my worst fear has came to life...
I didn't think this feeling of self hates would come back so soon. The feeling of worthlessness, of doubt, alone and no one to talk to. I didn't want this to happen. Not like this. Not like this...
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self.depression
|
You reap what you sow. Never truly understood the phrase till I read a book on highly successful habits.
Put simply they put forward a scenario of school cramming as opposed to doing daily progress and properly educating yourself and all I can think is wow this is me.
Hit me hard feel anxious but ready to confront things
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self.offmychest
|
all the things i wanted to say to you I lied today.
I want you more than I've ever wanted anyone before. I've never wanted anyone the way I want you.
I want your breath on my cheek and your hands on my waist and I want to feel your fingers again like I did that one time by simple accident because there is no possible way that a human being can have so much warmth stored inside a ring finger.
I want your arm looped through mine as we walk and I want I want you to look down at me with those serene hazel eyes and I want you to want me.
And yet. I'm like Syd Barrett from Legion. I've never wanted someone to touch me in any of those ways before. Not in the way I do you.
But I fucked up. I met you through my boyfriend, now my ex. He was so understanding and I thought that was enough but then I met you and I realized -
I don't want someone who can deal with physical unavailability. I want someone I can be physically available for.
But you and him are friends, and I know that having you can't happen. Won't happen. And I know that... But still...
And when you told me you wanted me, I had to shrug it off. I know it was the right choice, but it broke my heart to do it.
I won't be the girl who gets with her ex's friend, even if it breaks my heart.
Beat me until I'm blue. I'm already broken on the inside.
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self.offmychest
|
I’m going to let the god decide my faith Selling or donating everything I have, clean my room. Gonna take as much pill as possible. I know it has a low chance of success rate, I’m just gonna let the god decide whether I’m gonna die or live.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Some parting words. After years and years of feeling unhappy and miserable I've come to the conclusion that I don't have what it takes to make it in this world. I've tried and tried and I can never get anywhere. I used to have hope, you always hear: "things will get better in time" Well, time has passed, this is later, and nothing is better. Things are arguably worse since with each passing day I keep accruing more and more unemployment for my resume. I have no education, no money, no job, no friends, no happiness, nothing. This is not a hasty decision, I've thought long and hard and I've found no other option.
I'm writing this because I have no one else to tell. My hope is that someone here will remember me. That notion is somewhat comforting.
I wish things were different. Be good to one another.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I hate you I try my best to make you happy, I do all my school work, top of my class, and I just want you to be proud of me. I think you are proud of me in your own way, but sometimes you just make me put that in a box and never let me feel good about it. You make me wanna cry and stop trying. Of course its my desk you hate, the one where i "constantly sit never doing anything or getting up" i have two places in my house apparently too "on the computer and asleep" but of course the loads of work i have to do never come into question on why im there. It sucks and then you wonder why im depressed. Make me constantly wonder why I even bother.
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self.offmychest
|
Life insurance is keeping me alive, today. Suicidal thoughts are common in my head. I’m sure that’s not “normal” per se, but it is normal for me. My thoughts get bad at work? I work graveyard audit. The lack of sleep wears on me.
I know I have “a lot to live for.” But tonight, it is realizing that I just got new life ins & it won’t pay if I let myself die.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Impulsivity I’ve come to realise why I have problem relationships. I’m too impulsive.
Could any impart some advice?
My therapist thinks that as an only child I’ve had little experience in sharing and I just keep impulsively doing things in social situations.
My friends think I’m an idiot.
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self.bipolar
|
My dad bought me a car after I totaled my old car because he feels bad that I have to take public transportation. So like two months back, I get into this hella bad car accident. I crashed into the car in front of me while driving on the freeway, and then that car crashed into the car in front of it. All in all, it was a four or five car pile, all my damn fault. So for weeks afterward I was a mental wreck, and I'm super stressed at this point. I had finals coming up, my car insurance cost went up(obviously), and my parents had to find a way to pay my spring tuition. My dad was straight up like so yeah idk how we are going to make ends meet this month.At this point, I had been taking public transport to get everywhere since I didn't have a car and I told my dad not to stress about repairing my car because I could live without it. Cut to this week, when I started this winter session class at a community college. Now, this community isn't that far from my house, it's like 30 minutes on a good day but without a car, I have to take two buses and a train to get to the campus. My class is at 9 am so my dad has been dropping me at the bus station at 7 am and it takes me an hour and a half to get to the campus. I rather enjoy the commuting and walking, although it does get tiring, nonetheless, I still don't mind it.
Cut to today when my dad comes home at 11:30 pm and tells me to go to the car and get groceries. At first, I'm like wtf? who goes grocery shopping at this hour? Then I go outside and see a new used car sitting in the driveway. And I'm like why did you buy this, I said that I didn't need a car right away. My dad was like Oh I feel bad that you have to commute and take public transportation.
Okay so I'm super grateful to have a car again but I'm feeling insanely guilty. My dad literally told me last month that he wouldn't be able to make ends meet and now he goes and buys a used car for me. Like I appreciate the gesture but I'm worried about my family's finances. My dad is almost 60 and I'm only 21 and my younger brother is 12. So I know that he will have to keep working and struggling for us and I don't know what to do know. Like I can't tell my dad to return the car cause he won't do it even if I ask him cause he has too much pride. My dad has always given us the best of whatever he could afford, but it is selfish of me to want him not to spend on us and save? Like I know my dad will never say no to something that I really want which is why I never ask him. I have held two part-time jobs since I started college so that I ease my parent's financial burden because my brother still has to go to college and all. I just don't know what to think or how to feel about all if this.
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self.offmychest
|
My kid is sick, and I feel like I'm going crazy. So my little one has been sick for a couple weeks, going to the doctor for the third time today. She hasn't been like SUPER sick, just running a fever, and acting really different. (Super cranky or super lethargic) I feel like I'm going crazy because I know my kid, and something isn't right, but the doctor can't find a reason for the recurring fever.
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self.offmychest
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My depression is leading me down a path I never imagined When I was younger I was always smiley and excited for my future. I wanted to be a veterinarian or maybe a computer game programmer, as I got older I was into 3d modeling and was thinking of making a career of it. I had hobbies: playing drums, rough housing with friends, I liked Frisbee and even tried lacrosse for a summer. No major event happened but i started suffering from depression and because of the stupid decisions I make when upset, really anxious too. It hadn't been a huge problem for years, just a shitty state of mind that I could never shake off, left me acting badly and underperforming in school. In the past year, my first university semester had gone to shit, I might pass one of my three courses if I'm lucky. In the past year I went from being fairly anti-drug (I didn't understand the appeal, didn't want it in my life) to being a large-scale LSD dealer and occasionally taking substances I used to tell myself I'd never do like heroin and oxycodone. Im not an addict to anything except maybe weed, but I've been on a sober break for at least 2 weeks now. I am not really worried about fucking around with these drugs because I don't see myself living more than a couple years at most. I just get worried because in the past I haven't had the means to kill myself, it's just been a pipe dream but staring at the heroin I've got in my room makes me so tempted to just snort a fuck ton before bed so no one can see me OD, they'll just think I'm asleep. I'm in between switching anti depressants right now but they're so fucking hit or miss that it's discouraging. I don't know what to do or where this deep pain inside me is coming from.
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self.depression
|
So many thoughts are racing through my head... I can’t sleep. How do I go on? Hello everyone...
Warning: This will not be coherent typing for the most part, I’m just typing as I’m thinking. My apologies.
I’m a 19 year old college student currently in his sophomore year. This semester has been the hardest. It started off OK, but then I had a mental breakdown and withholding it for so long finally caught up to me. I ended up dropping two of my four courses, even though I told my parents I wanted to drop all of them so I could figure things out, they didn’t support that and since I go to a community college and live with them I ended up regretfully doing what they told me to do. I just dropped my third class on the final day to drop and now I have three Ws on my transcript. So now I have one class left and I’m going to get a B in it when it would’ve been an A had I just taken it next semester a as I originally wanted. Depression has been in my life for quite some time. As a kid I was obese and constantly bullied and never had any friends (still don’t) I changed that my freshman year of high school and lost 127 pounds by the time I was in my junior year of high school. Well, I noticed something was wrong my senior year, I started eating like shit again and was gaining some weight back. I ignored it. Then came freshman year of college, I ended with a 3.5 even though I never let myself study and was invited to an honor society, scholastic leadership and honors classes. Then the problems got worse, I continued to gain weight and I did worse in school. The above mentioned programs I was in, I was kicked out because my gpa dropped to 3.241. Now we’re to this semester and I feel I’ve fucked up so much and it’s embarrassing. I gained all the weight back and I’m just a fat fucking piece of shit. I hate my life and I hate that I’ve allowed myself to fuck me over constantly. When I broke down I finally admitted my problems to my parents as I was worried what they’d feel like since their “golden child” is so fucked up mentally and I’m seeing a counselor but I ended up cancelling last week because I told her the last session I was doing better with eating and getting that on track (that was true) but I ended up fucking up big time and kept eating like shit after doing well for about two weeks. I feel trapped. I feel worthless. I’m going to see my counselor on Friday and talk about if she’s willing to provide documentation of my issue to my college so that I can have my withdrawals exempted, but I’m not sure how that all works and even if I’ll have mine be exempted. I knew I should’ve just took a break from school but I allowed my parents to pressure me into “working it out”. So now I may be permanently stuck with 3 Ws on my transcript. I didn’t even want to go to community college but I decided to because I wanted to get into UT Austin, but that’s not ever happening so I’ve settled on UT Dallas but I’m not sure if that’s going to be possible either. Funny thing is... I was automatically accepted into UT Dallas out of high school, but no I was a fucking idiot and decided to go to community college because I wanted to go to UT Austin. I’ve fucked up so much and I just can’t handle it anymore. I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost. I want to finish my computer science degree but it’s just so hard. I really wish my parents would’ve been more supportive of my decision, but I understand why they were so hesitant since they both almost finished college but never did. It’s just I needed that time and I did get some time to reflect and get help, but not enough. I’m trying to get back to a normal course load next semester but I’m not sure if that’s going to be realistic.
I’m sorry again for the incoherent wall of text.
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self.depression
|
Not too sure what I am going to do This past year has been hell for me. Everything that could go wrong has, my luck is shit, and my mental health has spiraled. I can't function in school, I've been blamed for something I didn't do and the principal is trying to expel me, I have no friends, and as of 5 minutes ago one of my teachers emailed my parents telling them I was failing and obviously didn't care about their class.
My older sister is a piece of shit and hates me for no reason even though I am constantly nice to her. Even went as far as saying she wasn't thankful for me during thanksgiving. My younger sister id be sorry for leaving but we have had a good time.
It doesn't appear if anything can go right and I'd rather not have to deal with this again, I am not sure what I am going to do but it probably isn't going to be good.
Thank all of you and I'm sorry for the rant
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self.SuicideWatch
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At least I can say I tried I made some progress in my life but my situation and depression are still too unbearable to deal with. Can't even hide it anymore. People say my eyes look glazed over and I can't do anything about that no matter how much I smile and pretend it's okay. When I'm alone I just tremble and bow my head down. I'm eating too much and probably going to gain the weight and diabetes back if I keep this up.
It's all too much. A year ago I told myself I would at least try and I think I've given it my shot. Eternal rest awaits.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I cannot talk to a girl I like and it's killing me. So, basically at my uni I really am interested in this girl, the thing is I've only dated once in a super complicated relationship with a good female friend I had in HS (long story to tell so I'll skip it)
I've never had the courage to approach a girl simply because I was called ugly a lot by random people in highschool (main source of my depression... only heard it once ever since I got to college, maybe it's just a subjective opinion but I'll respect it.) and I'm very quiet/shy.. now at least.
Now, the thing i spoke to the person I like earlier in the semester, and she was really cute and sweet. Every now and then I or she would at least say hi when passing by each other. One day though I she said hey to me and I said hey back, though I'm not sure if she heard me (naturally I speak low, and have been told that many times) and ever since then she never speaks when I see her. So then I said hi like twice recently, was ignored I think BUT there are several things that I have in my mind that are a possiblity:
1. She probably didn't hear me again
2.She might actually have a feeling I like her and probably thinks I'm too.. you know
3. She might have a feeling I like her but has a boyfriend and doesn't want to disappoint me
4. She's not interested in talking anymore
5.I might just be over thinking things.
-hell I could even be getting the wrong idea out this the whole situation lol
It's really been a burden in my head. The semester is almost over and I worry if she's taken or by the time I actually do get the courage it'll be too late(another guy). And if it is I feel like it'll take forever to find someone else that seems interested
Naturally I just lurk around when I'm stressed but tonight I just said fuck it why not... Hope anyone can give some good advice.
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self.depression
|
Just paid my credit card debt after 2 years of procrastinating. Today I paid about $3200 AUD in credit card debts. It feels really bad right now, but also kinda good cause now there is no nagging feeling that I need to pay off a fucking lot of money. I needed some money about 2 years ago cause I was out of job and didn't have any money to live by. I have been working for about 2 years now, but I could have paid my debt by September last year when I had enough money, but I kept procrastinating cause it feels really really bad to give away 3000 dollars when you only make about 5000 a month after working all day.
But on the day before Christmas I was determined to pay it off and today I went on the website and put off 3200. I now feel I can concentrate on saving more and more and never using a credit card in the first place. I took about 2200 bucks but ended up paying a whole 1000 more in just 2 years. LESSON FUCKING LEARNED.
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self.offmychest
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Let’s all go out our way but at least having fun [removed]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'll never achieve my dreams I just wanna do what I love but I'm afraid I'll never be good enough I cry everyday because of it and my familys disappointed
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self.depression
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Advice on Doing Homework When everything feels terrible? How do I do homework when everything feels like shit? This may be more of a depression thing but I prefer this subreddit because it is a hopeful place here.
Scared about the future, heartbroken for various reasons, have to get through a bunch of readings and other assignments today.
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self.Anxiety
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Tonight I’ll do it tonight. I just need to get through school today.
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self.SuicideWatch
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If I didn't have people that cared about me I would kill myself without thinking twice [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Back in the loop of "Maybe I'm Not Bipolar", Pdoc thinks it's likely cyclothymia, which I guess is... better? Last time this happened though, I went off my meds, and hypomania happened... (Or so I thought, but perhaps not). I still have an Rx though... idk, how do I even know the meds are working??? Wish my mind could go back to how it was. The Pdoc also thinks that there's a strong chance I have generalised anxiety that's making me ruminate over the medical situations, and make them worse.
Going to try arrange some counseling. Let's see if I can convince myself that the ADHD and Bipolar aren't real for me perhaps (but keep going with meds), and see how that impacts my life.
I know I overthink things, so I guess psychotherapy is worth a shot.
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self.bipolar
|
Supporting a friend in rehab (dual-diagnosis) I just want to start by saying that I am so fucking proud of him for realizing he needs help and taking the steps to get it. I hope everyone here knows that if you need this kind of help it's okay to reach out and get it. I'm actually not sure what this friend's diagnosis is - I know he has cyclical mood problems, anxiety, and a history of trauma, but I don't think he had been honest with his previous provider. He also went to a clinic that I used to go to (I left because they are terrible) but this rehab place handles dual diagnosis and trauma as well as drugs/alcohol so I think it's a good place for him.
I am very worried but I think this is a start down the right path. I feel bad because I used to drink with him, but I guess I ... idk, I feel like I shouldn't feel bad, but I do. I feel like maybe if I did more things wouldn't be so bad right now. Like maybe if I had talked to him more about my concerns it wouldn't have gotten to this point. I am hopeful though. I know that it's common to relapse but at least he is open to getting help now, and that's huge.
If you've been in this position I want you to know that I am proud of you too.
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self.bipolar
|
[NAW] My cousin ran away I've been at a loss of words since then. Everything is going on and I just keep thinking of her. She was my baby. I was the older cousin and she always looked up to me. I know she knows I love her. Despite everything I respect her decision of leaving. But it tears me apart until there's only empty left to think about the things she must be feeling.
Malena, I just want you to know that I hope you're okay. That there's someone waiting for you to come back home safe. That I love you and I dream of you having the life you deserve. I dream of you living a life of peace. Of being beautiful and free from all the things that you have carried from way too long and from way too early. You deserved better.
I love you. Please be safe.
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self.offmychest
|
Self-esteem and Anxiety. I've been trying to go to the store a couple of blocks away from my house for over a week now. I say "trying" as if something had been stopping me from going, which wasn't the case, the only thing stopping me was myself. Going outside makes me nauseous because my anxiety starts to go through the roof and when my anxiety acts up I get really depressed and it becomes unbearable. Today I finally summoned enough courage to go after wasting hours contemplating it back and forth. I'm completely self-conscious and keep worrying about others judging my appearance and judging me morally. As self-aware of it that I am about it, I can't get over it, no matter how hard I try. I hope somehow I overcome this so that I can get my life back on track by not dealing with so much anxiety.
If you're reading this and can relate, please get help and see a therapist. It'll only get worse until it's too late.
I hope we all become who we're meant to be and we achieve real happiness.
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self.depression
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[Advice] Work high stress job, worry every day about going to work + taboo around mental health [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I'm getting mentally abused and been depressed all my life. I'm 18. I have no irl friends or anyone. My parents are mentally abusing me everyday. I've been crying all my life and been depressed all the time. I don't know anything to do. I can't stand this anymore. All I know is I'm at the edge of killing my self, although I don't have the power to do so. Please help. Please.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Everything is going Perfect but i can't feel Happy/Sad anymore Hello !
I am 19 year old university student and past 2 years were perfect for me but i don't remember the last time i was happy.
I remember when i was young i was so happy about some simple things like going to see my grandma and grandpa and i remember how i was feeling extremely happy because on their TV there was Disney Channel and not on our TV at home.
Now i have achieved more things that i ever would think that i could achieve but i don't feel happy.
I am a gamer and few months ago i bought myself one of the best PC configs possible with my own money but i did not feel happy.
2 years ago my grandpa died and i could not cry. I put water on my eyes so i "simmulate" crying.
The "Older me" was full of emotions. I remember crying as a kid for a hour because i saw on tv that 1 parent murdered his child or i felt happy for the smallest possible thing.
I don't have suicidal thoughts.
I have always been antisocial but i love talking with my little brother/my parrents or with my childhood friends but i can't make "real" friends anymore.
I don't know why i am depressed and i can't pinpoint the reason.
I feel so bad because when i am with my brother/family/friends i always fake a smile or fake a laughter which makes me even more sad. I am just mimicing the "Old me"
For example if i see a very funny meme i just breath out harder from my nose instead of laughing like before when there were tears in my eyes of laughter.
I feel more tired and can't concentrate and it is harder to remember things.
I am thinking about antidepresants but i don't know. I will wait and see your comments.
Sorry for the long post and have a good day !
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self.depression
|
2017 wasn’t a good year and it looks like 2018 (at least the first half) won’t be much better either My life was in limbo for majority of last year. My boss spent the first few months telling me that the company will sponsor me for my work visa, but no actions were taken even on my last day of validity of my previous visa. Naturally, with my old visa up, I packed up and moved back to my home city while keeping my place - all in the hope that the company will keep its promise to sponsor me while I continue to work for them.
My boss then had an serious accident, so the 10+ drugs kept her pretty unfocused for the first 3 months since I moved back to my home city. It was the beginning of the 4th month that the company started working on the visa. I was getting anxious and confused about my life - I had no idea if the visa will go through, and if not, what do I do? Should I start looking for a job here in my home city, with no clue on whether or not I want to stay here? Do I start making friends? Do I start to build a life here, dating and otherwise? What if the visa does get approve? What do I do with all these leads that I created?
My visa then got rejected on the 5th month. My boss told me that we’ll try one last time and it’s rejected again, we will have to part ways. My anxiety and confusion were further compounded by this. I was disheartened. I followed my friends’ advice to start building some anchors - friends, relationship etc. - so at least I have something going if my visa gets rejected again. I met a lot of great people in a short amount of time. While many of these leads didn’t create friendships, I am grateful for their company that ultimately helped distract me from my visa problems.
When the 6th month arrived, I came to realise that along with all the stress from dealing with the visa, I was not happy working with my boss and the company. I was working remotely for them, away from any office drama and politics, people’s tandrums etc, so shouldn’t I be happier? But the visa got approved and a small part of me was still hopeful that things will get better when I get back to my work city, that my boss and the team might be more pleasant to work with since we would be on the same time zone, that I would be happier now that the visa won’t be another headache for another few years.
So, a week after my visa got approved, I moved back to the work city. But I wasn’t any happier. What was unpleasant remained unpleasant or got worse. I guess I was naive to think things would get better in time. I tried to find things to learn, create some new hobbies, look into self development courses. But weeks after weeks, I remained unhappy for the most part.
My boss have had several chats with me since I moved back. But the more we chatted, the more I also realised that while the job may not the whole reason for my unhappiness, it certainly contributed to it. How much contribution? I don’t really know still. Just before I took off for Christmas, the company had implemented a lateness penalty rule where staff will get monetarily penalised for every minute they are late. This raised an alarming bell for me, even before I witnessed the double standard on this penalty. And my gut tells me that this is just the beginning of a unhealthy working environment.
So, regardless of whether the job was the cause or just a contributing factor to my unhappiness, I know it is time to move on. The several chats with my boss suggested that she doesn’t see us being a fit as we used to be and it was obvious to her that I am unhappy. While she never explicitly said that she is letting me go, I also didn’t want our relationship to get worse if it’s not good already. Just before I took off for the Christmas holiday, I gave my 3 months notice as stated on my contract.
She had gotten back to me saying we should discuss this when I get back. I was a little relieved that at least there is some kind of ending to the several uncomfortable chats she and I had. And I would think that our next discussion will be mainly about the transition to whoever takes over my role.
I have no idea what I want to do next. I am not a specialist. I spent most of my holiday break thinking about what I want to do with my career or at least, what I want to do next industry-wise. I feel clueless and fragile AF. I still have no idea what I want to do despite being in the workforce for 10 years. All I know is that whatever job I had in the past, I was a quick learner and I get good at it.
Quitting my job also means that I will also need to leave my work city and all the friends I made during my time there. These are probably some of the best people I have met in my life so far. While things may change, and there’s always a possibility to make new friends, I am sad to part ways with them. I also need to look into someone replacing my room, and I worry that I won’t be able to find someone in time and may ultimately affect my current flatmate’s living situation as well - forcing her to also move out if we cannot find someone to take over my room since she cannot afford to pay the rent of the whole flat.
Love life- wise, I had met 2 wonderful guys the last 2 months in my home city before I moved back to my work city. We kept in touch. One of them have had talks with his company about a transfer to my home city (not because of me), but nothing had been confirmed as of date. The other had verbally agree to take up a job offer in my home city, but still waiting for the contract.
I will be spending my first 3 months of this new year finishing up my current job, finding someone to take over my room, and moving back to my home city. I have no idea if either of the guys I really like will end up being in the same city as me. I can only hope. But a small hope so I can manage my disappointment if they and I are gonna remain oceans apart.
I feel like I had a ton of bad luck last year that is dragging on to this year😐 how much worse is this going to get? When is it going to get better?
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self.offmychest
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If anyone is feeling down and needs a friend, please message me ( if you are living in the Netherlands we can also hang out sometime) [removed]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I had a meltdown in front of my parents The other day I had an anxiety attack flare up while my parents were asking me questions about my future. And I had a meltdown. Nothing crazy, but I showed them enough. They asked why I was acting crazy.
Oh so now I'm crazy.
Anyways, I start tearing up and I'm trying to control myself but then I just blurt out "I can't control it". And run to my room. Continuing to have a silent cry, meltdown, and scream. It's been a couple days, but honestly I think my family, specifically my parents make my depression worse. I think I'm going to move out. Easier said than done. But we can get over our illness! We are strong!!
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self.depression
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1-2: hurts just a little so there's this girl I talk to (not in a relationship way we're just friends). she knows I don't like a certain artist (you can kinda guess who by the name). I listened to a song of his on spotify and she saw and asked me on snapchat if i'm ok. I said yes and that it's funny how now she asks if I'm ok but not when I listen to my more sad playlist (not named something obviously sad but she probably knows me well enough to understand), and she just said that she notices and laughs.
I'm probably not gonna tell my friends so here you go.
fucking N.
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self.offmychest
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Prozac sent me into the scariest spiral of my life (22 F) Anyone else have the terrible effect from Prozac where it just totally textbook doesn't agree with you ?
Two weeks I got up to 20mg and was so anxious having panic attacks.. I lost sense of reality. Suddenly had suicidal thoughts that I have never experienced before. My doctor made me go off cold turkey. Half life is a bitch. Day 11 into withdrawal and I'm still not 100 percent. Wake up anxious. Thank god the suicidal thoughts went away. I never had those before. I'm starting to think I won't be able to try another one if I'm risking losing my mind again. Also- it agitated my IBS so bad I couldnt eat barely for 2 weeks.
Idek if my body can take another bad reaction from an SSRI. It was terrible getting on it and it was worse getting off of it. He didn't taper me because he thought I'd be okay but I wasn't.
Apparently all SSRIs cause increased anxiety when getting on them? I can't get more anxious than I am now without being incapable of functioning. I'm only getting by with small doses of xanax three times daily and that's keeping me from getting a
Job. It's been 3 months of unemployment.
I had to stay with my parent for two weeks because I was afraid to be in my apartment alone even with my boyfriend there. I'm just not functioning well but I think it's for sure partly because I am still not through this withdrawal? They say it's like 14 days max but I think I'll be needing another week atleast to feel not on the edge of my seat.
Anyone had a reaction to Prozac like this? Is it rare? Are all SSRIs risky when it comes to bad reactions ? The next one I take I am going to make sure has a shorter half life for sure because detoxing for 14 days is not fun.
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self.depression
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Pdoc is an ass (ranting) And a pompous one, at that. He's also the only pdoc within 50 miles who takes my insurance and is an integral part of my treatment team.
We're working with the prazosin. He's hoping that getting my PTSD-related anxiety and nightmares/flashbacks under control will help with mood regulation. I agree whole-heartedly, but I'm still concerned. What if the prazosin takes away my vigilance completely and I lose my safety measures (for want of better words)? What if I let my guard down and bad things *do* happen? I'm having trouble distinguishing PTSD thinking and bipolar psychosis at the moment.
I sent a secure message via the patient portal to pdoc today, asking about whether the prazosin would numb me out to an unsafe level. He got defensive and told me no one else had ever questioned that. Sorry, dear heart, but I'm questioning it. I'm not questioning his judgement; I just need some reassurance here. But his response read like he was patting me on the head and saying there there. I never fail to leave his office feeling like an idiot. I keep telling myself it's a fifteen-minute visit every three months, and we've already established a working relationship. It's just annoying to feel, one more time, like an idiot who asked a childish question.
Just ranting. Thanks.
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self.bipolar
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Need some advice regarding life choices. I'm posting this here out of a desperation to ease the anxiety that I've been feeling over the past few days, in hopes that some of the more experienced members of this sub can help bring my erratic thoughts to a more tranquil state. I joined the Army National guard about two months ago. I've been to two drills so far and have continually failed to pass the OPAT despite my best efforts. I have one more attempt before my ship date is to be changed and I really don't know if I have it in me to pass it. On top of that I keep hearing horror stories from the gold phasers about their time spent in basic training. They try to frame it in a way that sounds reminiscent. Like it was some fun summer camp that they long to go back to. Even though what they're describing sounds like a horrid hell hole littered with suicides and sadistic men who live to torment the recruits into submission. Sometimes I feel like I made the wrong choice, but I guess the freedom to make choices comes with the chains of their consequences. I originally posted this on R/army for their take. They gave a range of different, responces, but the one that caught my eye stated that I could legally quit if I hadn't been through basic yet. My question to you is should I ride it out or cut my losses and put this all behind me.
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self.Anxiety
|
My loss in morality is worth my sobriety This is a long and harrowing story from my life, when I was in Wisconsin, in my Sophmore year of HS, nearly 9 years ago a friend started dating a girl coming to my school the next year. This girl, Devon, eventually got integrated into our friend group and her and I were the best of friends.
True, honest friends. She came from a shitty foster home life of abuse and uncaring, and I felt alone and doomed. Almost every night for 2 years we were eachothers therapists. Skyping eachother about relationships, and problems and revealing bits of our past that no one-No one else knew.
We went to an amusment park with friends one day, and like stupid high schoolers, got drunk. I remember we just sat and chatted for hours at the entrance while our friends had fun, and we realized no one knew us like we knew eachother. So against all conventional wisdom, we tried the "Best friends getting together"
It worked, for a year it worked. I graduated, she was 2 years behind. I got her pregnant. Her parents found out and went off the hammer. She was not even 17 and scared, and I was almost 19 and terrified. She ended up miscarrying the baby, early on, and her foster parents forbade her from seeing me. We rebeled. I wanted to face them like a man, explain to them that she wasn't just a sex tool...tell them all the nights we stayed up way to late. How much this girl meant to me.
She was too afraid. So we reasoned we'd do a "long distance relationship" until she went to college. That was the worst year of my life, we saw eachother rarely, I drank far too much...utilizing different older than 21 friends to get alcohol. She got caught with a burner phone her and I had bought to stay in touch, and being just a kid with a year of HS to go...her parents gave her an ultimatum-them or me. She chose to keep a roof over her head.
I met a great girl shortly therafter, and it started a wonderful 6 year long relationship. Which unfortunatly ended in August. I never emotionally cheated on my newer gf, but for 6 years me and my HS gf kept in contact through FB. Every now and again, id feel old emotions stirring and I would force myself to stop talking to her, I was with my GF-And happy! I wouldn't complicate things.
Devon wanted to meet up for closure, I told her that couldn't happen ever. We wouldn't remain friends and platonic. We had too much history. We never wanted to end-we were forced to when we were kids. 3 years into my relationship, Devon asked me to leave my newer GF and return to her. Part of me wanted to. Really wanted to...but I had built 3 years with this girl and started a life. I said no, and wished her the best.
Even still, over the 6 years of my relationship, we kept eachother up to date. We were still very much supportive of eachother-I just declined any opportunity to meet up with my ex.
Until my GF left me. It happened in august. I was heartbroken, alone, and ...by chance Devon was in the town. Ten minutes away. We met up. Time unfroze, we were talking like the friends we were, as if we had never been removed from eachother.
We've met up several times, we've talked. All the emotions are still there. Everything. We've slept together since then. Devon has a BF. So this makes me an asshole, a major asshole. And it makes her worse. But I know when Devon left me I resorted to drinking...and right now, if this...whatever this is...is keeping me from drinking, and im seeing counseling for some other issues ive had...
I have to say that my loss in morality is worth it if it keeps me from drinking. She's my oldest friend...and circumstances forced us apart.
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self.offmychest
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Hearing about the GOP Tax Reform is driving me nuts... [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Writting a song inspired by people I have met on depression reddit sub I am currantly writting a song . It was inspired by some people on this reddit sub . I find some peace in writting when i was struggling through my depression. And i am so joyful seing people writting poems on the reddit sub once I'm finished the song i will most likely be posting on here does anyone else write songs through the depression?
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self.depression
|
Feeling deathly I don't even recognize the person I see in the mirror, I'm so sad and angry all the time my friends left me. Over the last few years my bipolar disorder has gotten so bad I can't function in society without having paranoid and angry violent thoughts. I'm losing my grip in college and think about suicide whenever I try to imagine what my future will be like because I just simply can't imagine myself getting that far. My Aunt had bipolar disorder and she only made it to 18, her thoughts drove her so crazy she hung herself and my dad ( who was 6 years old at time) found her. That's the only thing keeping me from taking my life, the pain I fear it would cause my father. Is it worth living in constant pain though? I'm a Buddhist so I read and practice peace- but the older I get the aggressive my low trips are, dominated by anger. I've never acted on these feelings, but it still scares me to actually want to punch my friend in the face ( just an example) and in the moment think it would feel good. Is this the person I'm becoming? I feel like I'm losing my humanity. I used to be such a competent student/athlete now I feel like I'm viewed as a freak by my family and friends so I isolate myself.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Advice for two depression sufferers living together? The house is a mess. We both hate that the house is a mess. But we're too depressed and unmotivated to do anything about it, and then we get upset at ourselves that we can't do it. Neither of us wants to push the other to do things, because we know we wouldn't want to be pushed ourselves, so it's a never-ending cycle.
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self.depression
|
Struggling with birthdays So I’m turning 15 tomorrow and I’m scared for it mostly. I feel as if my life has passed too quickly- the past year might not as well have happened and I feel as if I might as well be turning 14 again. Every birthday that passes I feel myself wasting away more and more.
When I was younger I was always told I was smart or mature for my age, so reaching adolescence I had put an expectation on myself to always be good compared to other people my age. I feel as if the year you’re 15 is the year you begin to peak intellectually but I feel as if since I was 9 I’ve only gotten dumber and dumber and more apathetic and lazy and less in touch with the world around me and the fact that I’m reaching such an important part of my life in that mindset is terrifying. Everyone around me is doing so well and making so many achievements and maturing and I feel as if my life has been on pause for the past 5 years. I feel as if I’m chained to train tracks and every milestone like a birthday in my life is just another second closer to the train hitting me.
My family and friends are spoiling me and I feel as if I don’t deserve it. I hate birthdays because I hate attention. And I know I’ll probably feel the same way tomorrow and just spend the whole day depressed.
The fact that I’m terrified and sad for what is most people’s happiest day of the year is just another reminder of how bad the place is that I am in mentally.
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self.depression
|
I can't take this anymore... I think I need help I'm sick of it all... this constant cycle of feeling happy for a short while only to fall back to thinking there's nothing worth living for, of being confused about what to do with my life. Everything that I've lived for up to this point feels so meaningless and distant to me, my parents, friends, a bright future... I just keep catching myself wishing it would all just end. Life is hard, man, and I don't think I want to go through it anymore, but I just can't find the guts to end it... I feel like such a fucking coward, both for thinking of this easy way out, and for not being able to do it. Add in my constant paranoia about those closest to me, thinking about how they secretly hate me, and I can feel my mind slowly going insane from it all.... I can't even cry it out, only bottle it all up and keep it in, it gives me a constant sinking feeling deep inside. I just want it to end, I just want peace and a reason to live
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self.depression
|
Hanging myself and my head dizzy, havent ate in days, alcohol only. die now. die now. i dont know why im here again. i am going to hang myself. my bday is in a few days. i lost my boyfriend who cheated. i lost my dad. i lost everything. im losing life adn school. i dont want to call 911 anymore. pls someone help me take my life. help me fnish hanging myself properly.im so hungry and i dont know i need to die now. die now.
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self.SuicideWatch
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16F heroin addict. Let me start from the beginning. When I was 14, my dad injected me with heroin because I was depressed. I instantly became addicted and fell in love with the feeling so I asked him to give me more. Soon, I had my own heroin and I loved it but I lost so much energy and I felt like shit everyday. I was diagnosed with major depression, on top of anorexia and dyslexia. I cut every day now and take heroin a lot. I need relief from the emotional pain. My parents do not care how I feel anymore, they do not care if I cut. Every day I think of suicide but I'm terrified of surviving and being trapped in a hospital forever. Someone please help me. Right now I'm in the hospital because I cut too deep into my wrist and I cut into a nerve. They're probably going to find out about my heroin addiction, I'm honestly not sure if that's a good or bad thing.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
So close to giving up.... Hello....I'm sort of new here. Well as you can tell by the title im pretty much close to considering on ending my life. I don't want to bore anybody who's reading this with the details (although who the hell would read this) but im just going to say that a lot of shits been happening to me recently since the beginning of the year and it's really caused me to think about suicide each and everyday. I've even lost my appetite for a long time and can't remember when I've eaten at least a full meal. I literally have no one I can talk to as I'm very sensitive about these thoughts I have and the only people I've ever talked about it to and who I thought cared for me deeply (I was very wrong) got "tired of my bullshit" and left me. Sorry for this sort of long post I guess, I'll be on my way now.
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self.depression
|
I found out I have PTSD and wondering if my life is worth living I been rediagnosed again and this time I’m having a real hard time accepting this. I feel really alone & I don’t really have anyone in my life that gives me a purpose to continue on living. I have bipolar, sczhio-affective disorder, severe anxiety, and OCD. I’m not sure if this is the type of life I want for myself right now....
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self.SuicideWatch
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Starting new PT job, but my depression has me worried. Advice? I'm going to start a part time job on top of a full time job I have, it's at Starbucks in the airport. I do well in retail settings and such, I've been doing it for 8 years. But, my mind keeps telling me to quit, I'll fuck up, I shouldn't try it, it's going to be too hard. I know Starbucks can be a straining and busy place, so does anyone have some good advice to shake this feeling? The last thing I want to do is look like a failure.
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self.depression
|
I am ending it all in 1 year. Throwaway account obviously.
I am ending it all in one year. I am giving my family and friends one more year with me. Suicide isn't selfish, it isn't about the people you leave behind. It's about someone feeling so helpless and done. I live with several mental health issues, physical health issues and family issues. I am so done being in constant pain. I am so done with being judged because my mental health diagnosis was made public in a small town so there isn't much to hide. So, one more year. I am actually excited.....
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self.SuicideWatch
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Gonna just let my health go to shit and die [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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One fight brought me all the way back I had a huge fight with my current boyfriend. We live together and have been together for a little over a year..during the beginning we used to fight pretty bad and I didn't think it would last. Eventually we stopped fighting like that and I thought we were finally happy and I could see myself having a future with him...but it sounds like that's exactly the opposite of what happened for him. This most recent fight he told me he had considered leaving..I thought we were happy..its taken me all the way back...Im having suicidal thoughts again, I'm barely eating, I feel numb and hopeless..and the worst part is I think I might be falling for him, but I know he will never love me. Idk what to do and I'm in a really bad place...I have to keep this mask on, we're both trying to act like nothing's changed but I know it has...how do I fix this...
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self.depression
|
Watched this Netflix show called Slasher It was super campy and a fun watch, but damn. The reveal has left me so paranoid. Like, who can you trust? Anybody could be that murderer.
Think I'll be extra jumpy tonight thanks to that show. I'll be thinking about that all day. That's what I get, I suppose. I'm picking up Dark next, anybody seen that one?
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self.bipolar
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Anyone else feel the need to text someone when they’re feeling depressed but don’t actually text them because you don’t want to get them involved with your depressed affairs. I have come close to texting my friends to help talk out my depression but I never do because I feel like it would be selfish to get them involved with my depressed ways.
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self.depression
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To the man who hit me with his car [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I deleted most of my social media accounts and now I feel anxiety and a need to check them like an addiction. Yesterday I deleted my Facebook Twitter and IG I got tired of being lied to and disloyal people. The people who love and care for me know how to get a hold of me, know how. It was getting to the point, I would wake up and the 1st thing i would do before anything was check my phone. Social media, gmail, line chat. It's just too much. How do I manage this urge and anxiousness.
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self.Anxiety
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I'm a social wreck and I need help So, I'm in a bad place right now and I need advice. You can skip over my life story if you like, it isn't crucial.
___
I guess it all started in preschool, where I didn't speak a single word (not an exaggeration). Then, in elementary school, I skipped kindergarten entirely because the principal thought I was a "child prodigy" (evidently that isn't the case anymore). I think that contributed to my lack of social skils. I didn't talk much up to 5th grade, and people mostly approached when they needed help with homework.
Then came middle school. I was pretty outgoing because everyone knew me by then, and I had a small circle of friends. Without going into too much detail, one of those friends pressured me to do a lot of bad shit, and I was pretty disliked by the end of 8th grade. In fact, I think he only kept me around because I was an asshole like him. Most of my friends were pretty forgiving, though, and I still text some of them from time to time.
___
Anyway, a few months ago, my parents decided it would be a good idea to move across the state just before my freshman year of HS started, so now I don't know anyone at my school. To be honest, people have been nice to me so far, but I think that's mostly out of politeness/pity. The problem is that I'm an utter social wreck. I can't start conversations. When I *have* to have a conversation because of group work or something, I usually just mutter awkwardly. I sit alone at lunch because I have no friends. Hell, I even joined some clubs to make friends, but I still can't talk to people there. And, to top it all off, I'm ugly. No, not "below average," I actually look fucking deformed compared to everyone else.
I don't know what to do. I can't just go up to people and start talking. I don't know how some people manage it. I don't even have anything conversation topics because I dropped all of my hobbies and I just sit in front of my computer for most of the day. Hell, my parents won't even let me out of the house because they think I'll get abducted or something, so that blocks a lot of opportunities for me. Speaking of my parents, I doubt I can talk to them about this. They think anything below a 95 is a failing grade... if I told them I was depressed, they'd just tell me to get my shit together, and that would be it.
I know I need to change this. I can't go on like this forever, but I don't even know where to start.
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self.depression
|
Quote that gets me through the worse. From the dispossessed, wanted to share.
> It is our suffering that brings us together. It is not love. Love does not obey the mind, and turns to hate when forced. The bond that binds us is beyond choice. We are brothers. We are brothers in what we share. In pain, which each of us must suffer alone, in hunger, in poverty, in hope, we know our brotherhood. We know it, because we have had to learn it. We know that there is no help for us but from one another, that no hand will save us if we do not reach out our hand. And the hand that you reach out is empty, as mine is. You have nothing. You possess nothing. You own nothing. You are free. All you have is what you are, and what you give.
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self.depression
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I don't want to wake up without you again. She's still everywhere. Every morning I wake up alone, without her. I can picture her warmth, her beautiful grey/blue eyes looking up at me with that big clueless smile. I want that moment to last forever. Why did thinks have to work out like they did? You were the best thing about me. You are still the best thing about me. I want so bad for this pain to stop. Everyday and every night I think about just ending it. If I took my life I hope that you wouldn't cause you pain. If I'm honest to myself, it's the only reason why I haven't. You are the woman who holds my heart, and you always will. Stay safe x.
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self.depression
|
I am an idiot, oh math (X-post from r/bipolar) I will run out of lithium (good on my other prescriptions) in less than a week and my pdoc appointment isn't till the 22nd. The only 2 pdocs I've seen and might let me pick up a prescription (appointment slots mean waiting for months) are closed until the 15th for holidays.
This happened last month, too, and I can't believe I didn't just sit down and do the math in the dr's office so I could insist on a bigger prescription. I'm honestly a little baffled by the pdoc as well.
So do I just divide them as evenly as possible and hope things work out or walk to the psych ward I was in for a month in the spring and see if they can give me a scrip? Yech.
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self.bipolar
|
I tried to hang myself today I'm so fucking lonely and sad.
I have no friends.
The guy who was my sun, doesn't want to talk to me.
I couldn't even do the hanging right cuz I'm too fucking fat to use a closet pole.
My life is nothing but pain and no one really likes me I'm just a series of holes to fill with cum. I'm just a fucking failure of a human being.
No one really likes me. Everyone leaves. And everything else is in the shitter too.
It's like the universe likes torturing me.
I just don't want to do this anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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why am I LOSING weight? Is this bad? Everyone (dr included) warned me I would gain when placed on my meds. Right now I'm on latuda, wellbutrin, olazapine and tapering off lithium. I'm not gaining. I'm losing. I started at 118 lbs and today I'm 109 lbs. My clothes are getting too loose. What is happening? Should I be concerned? I cant find anything on google, just that these meds should make me gain.
I'm sorry for the throwaway, I don't want my illness associated with my main account.
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self.bipolar
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thanks to my little brother I'm still alive i love you buddy and i don't want to let you ruin your life as much as I did
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self.SuicideWatch
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The fear of being alone or apart from 1 particular persn [deleted]
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self.depression
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.... Its thanksgiving. I have to go to a family dinner. My family hates me... Well most of them my friends hate me.... I feel so alone and lost without them this will be the first year that i wont be able to spend time with you guys on the holidays.. I loved it when we did.. But now im alone... I just want to go :'(
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self.depression
|
I have nothing to live for Hello I've never created a reddit account before and would like to stay anonymous according to this account name..
The only person I have left in my life is my sister who is across the country right now. my parents divorced at the end of high school and I lived with my mom while I went to college. I never made any friends because conversations never went past "hi." Since last year when my mother died all I do is go to work, then come home to drink and cry for hours on end.
I've been working the same thankless job for over 23 years, and I'm constantly on call. The only thing I have to do in my free time is drink, sleep, and play videogames. The only way anyone would know im dead is if i didn't check into work
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How to deal with dissociation? Hey y’all- I struggle with anxiety (obviously) and have been experiencing “dissociation” like I really can’t feel anything but surface level emotions and I don’t know how to cope with it. I feel like im having an out of body experience for a few days. Do any of you experience it and how do you deal with it? Do you guys have any advice on this?
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self.Anxiety
|
I have been stuck in a loop for years, and now I don't know what to do. I'm gonna introduce myself first and try to find ways to share my problems. It's gonna be a long one, so if you don't stick to it, it's fine.
I'm turning 23 in three weeks. Asian guy, average build, height, looks, everything. I personally do jokes to people, mostly lame/ dad jokes, probably for attention (since I never get any), and to make me "stand out" and not get left behind.
I didn't get to finish college, although in my head it was always a "pause" thing, because I'd say to myself that I'm trying to save money from work so I could continue, but money comes and goes, and right now I'm broke.
Why wasn't I sent to college by my parents, you ask? Well I was, by my mom, who is a single mother. My dad died when I was pretty young so it was just her. Back in college I would go in but eventually skip class because I didn't like what I was majoring in. It started with hotel and restaurant management, and I shifted to IT, which again, I wasn't into it.
I realized that my mom did put a lot of money into it, and I screwed it up, I know it's my fault. So I decided, if I'm gonna go back to school, it's gonna be my hard earned money, so I wouldn't let it go to waste.
By that time, I knew what I wanted to do. I wanted to be an actor. May it be theater or for movies or something. But yeah, that was the plan.
But everytime there was a chance to do it, I didn't do it, because of fears. I wasn't confident. I'd tell myself, there's no way I could be an actor. I don't know if it was because of my addiction to masturbation, which was caused by a babysitter molesting me as a child that lead to hypersexuality. But that's another story.
And by the time that I want to do it, there wasn't any chance, the school I wanted to get it shut down, or if I wanted to go to another, it'll be too expensive.
And right now I'm broke. I'm dating this girl, long distance, we've been together for two years now. And everytime I want her to visit, I'd spend all my money, because I rarely get to see her, and I wanna splurge all my money and spoil her. By the time she went back, I was stuck back to being depressed, being at home for months (until now). Unemployed.
I was a barista at this cafe (which shut down by the time my girlfriend visited me) so i've been unemployed for around 3 months now. I've been trying to find a job back again. But I just wanted to find a good barista job that pays enough.
Mymom has been non stop ranting about how I'm unemployed. Im so tired of her rants. Almost everyday she rants at me that I get so defensive everytime she talks. It has become a defense mechanism. I'm turning 23 and I'm still rebellious to her because to be honest she sucks as a mom to me. She's a good friend to people, kind mom to my younger sister, but man I used to be close to her, I was actually a momma's boy, and now everytime she speak, she talks to me as if I was someone lower to her. It's been like that for a long time.
I couldn't share to my girlfriend about my problems because whenever I do, she usually can't understand what I feel. I don't know.
I feel like my life has been falling apart or just in a constant loop ever since I stepped into adulthood. I see my friends or other people I know go so far and be successful. And I'm just here on my bed either browsing the internet, playing games, masturbating to porn, or sleep and eat. It's been a cycle.
I want to do stuff, I wanna learn and grow. But I've been in this state for years that I don't know what to do anymore. I don't know where to start.
I saw one of those zodiac posts about how this year, I (a capricorn) would do new things and surprise myself with what I can do, and that all my regrets would desolve. And that made me cry. Because I want that to be true. I really do. I want to change and do stuff and be happy. And I just hope that, by the next year, things would change well for me..
I'm really sorry for the long text.. To whoever who read the whole thing until this point, thank you so much for listening, have a happy new year, and bananas are good for you.
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self.offmychest
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I don't know where to get support My mom made me throw away my food last night and go to bed after what happened here https://www.reddit.com/r/Anxiety/comments/7q35zh/oh_no_this_is_horrible/
WHY
and then I got up and my dad said I left a bunch of dishes for him to clean,
but I said that my mom told me to throw away the food that I'm making and go to bed or [I didn't listen to the other option]
I finally vented about everything last night and the night before
usually I'm too shy and quiet to, but I had enough alcohol and stuff to be able to talk,
and they kept saying I must've drank beer or something and they ignored me and kept asking "Why I'm acting like this suddenly" and I kept telling them that I've been venting about it on Discord for awhile and they said they dunno what a Discord means and to not listen to people online
they make fun of me if I play paper mario or animal crossing saying I'm playing baby games and I'm 30 years old but my mom says someone bad might kidnap me if I go on a walk and every time I go on a walk, either they yell shout for me or my bro or dad drives around looking for me and they pick me up panicking, or like two times she called the cops on me
I just wish I could move out literally my head hurts it feels like my hairline is receiting and I was sweating so much last night and my mom told me to throw away the riggatoni I was making and go to bed cuz I'm sweating or something idk why actually but I was
IDK I JUST WISH I could move out and I wish I had support of friends hugging me and stuff I'm so lonely. My mom says if I move out I'll have to live in an apartment cuz I can't afford a house and she says it will be way way way way noisier in an apartment and I won't be able to stand living on my own but idk
when I was venting last night and the night before about how I want to move out and I can't stand it here, they kept saying Why am I suddnely acting this way??? and they said I must be drunk and told me to Go to bed now and throw away the food I'm making, so I had to throw away the food I'm making and go to bed and today my dad's angry I left dishes and argh
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self.Anxiety
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Feel really depressed and just feel dread/doom I don't know why, I have always had times of depression but it just feels worse now. I am 35 and i don't want to see a doctor or take Medicine. I don't even really know why I am posting this. Anything I can do to feel better?
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self.depression
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ADHD, Anxiety, Feelings of Choking and Suffocation I've had ADHD all my life and I've been using meds for about 9 months now. Last year I suffered from several bouts of depression before getting my diagnosis of adult ADHD and starting Concerta really helped with my depression as well as my ADHD itself. However, for the past few months, I've had progressively increasing problems with anxiety and it has recently reached a level where I'm sometimes experiencing overwhelming spells of negative emotions over seemingly random things. This morning I've sobbed for almost an hour because of a thing which would normally make me quite sad in any case but today it developed into a full blown spell of hysteria. I've looked into it online and found that I may be suffering from moderate to severe anxiety.
I feel like everything that can go wrong will go wrong, every decision I make is the wrong one and can't help but feel that I'm incapable of making the right choices in life and letting everyone I know down. I feel paralyzed in making decisions and like my entire life is going out of my control. I occasionally have somatic symptoms where my mouth gets dry, my hands get cold, my muscles stiffen and I get hot flashes.
I was also suffering from severe fear and worries about my future in the past but this is much more different. Now I feel that I can handle my future just fine. The future doesn't scare me. The current scares me right now. It's difficult to explain, but I feel constantly threatened by a looming sense of destruction that's right behind my tail. I'm currently doing an Erasmus semester in Germany and I will get an appointment with a psychiatrist both to get my medications and also to speak about anxiety.
One of the worst things about this is that I feel paralyzed and find it overwhelmingly difficult to do my basic responsibilities, to be punctual and to even cook or take a shower. I didn't experience this when I was depressed, back then I was always feeling lifeless and soulless but I still had no problems in functioning, even if like an automaton. While I'm still technically on top of my tasks, it takes an extraordinary mental effort to look at plane tickets, book a course, write an email etc. It's like the possibility that those things will result in negative outcomes is keeping me from confronting them and just going on with the task.
I can't help but feel that my decision to do an Erasmus was a huge mistake and that I'm going to be miserable here for months, even though almost every day except today I've been completely happy here and today I was triggered by learning that I likely won't be able to attend to my long term girlfriend's graduation ceremony because of my schedule and I was overwhelmed by feelings of inadequacy, disappointment, futility and grief even though she had told me that it's okay if I can't come and that while of course she would feel sad, it would be totally understandable if I can't come. I want to say yes but it would put my semester in significant jeopardy but I feel unable to say no because there's still a chance that I can make everything work out and this feeling of being torn and unable to decide is killing me and I feel like I would feel absolutely terrible if I didn't go but it turned out that I could have went but then again it's more likely that I will have large and significant administrative problems if I do and I feel like choking just thinking about it. This is basically an insight into my thoughts.
I'm not even sure why I wrote this, maybe to vent or maybe to find other with similar feelings and share experiences. I'm not looking for motivation, just to wind down and maybe some support or just to be calmed down idk.
PS Throwaway account
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self.Anxiety
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Depression has made me miss crying All i want to do i just cry and just let it all out,but no matter what i do i just cant seem to cry anymore.
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self.depression
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Every single day Every single day I wake up, look in the mirror, and list off everything that's wrong with me. My weight, my mind, my face, the way I sound, the way I think, everything. I tried replacing it with compliments. Every single one was a lie but I kept doing it for awhile. I thought it was helping but the feeling just comes back. Every single time I see a mirror it's the same thing. The moment I see myself it's just the thought of, "I need to change this, fix that, do something else" I don't know.
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self.depression
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Completely lost I want to die I am ready and satisfied with my decision but i have a dog and cats I have tried for 18months for there sake but we are losing our home and I have lost my job. I have screwed everything up. I have lost faith in people working with animals and seeing horrendous treatment and cruelty. I can't leave them i want them to die peacefully with me but I can't hurt them they are my world my everything I love them with all my heart. I don't no what to do I really really don't
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self.SuicideWatch
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dating with bipolar I'm dating a really sweet guy right now, but then I get in this mood where I am so damn bored with him that I can barely stand it. Sometimes I think I seek out assholes just for the drama. Arguing at least fuels my intensity. Is this just an elevated mood? Why is it so hard to find an interesting, intense, nice guy?
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self.bipolar
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I was drunk but I remember everything We had sex. I don't feel great about it even now. I question every part of it. Was it okay because I remember everything? Or was it not because I was puking minutes before? I feel like I'm crying wolf because I regret it, but some parts of me feel like I should. You were sober and I trusted you. You should have stopped me.
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self.offmychest
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Cant even leave my room without wanting to cry, need a friend As i have been saying over these past few days, i just transferred colleges from a community college to a university, i had no friends at community college but at least i knew i could go back into the comfort of my own home and room, now i just on campus and i just want to cry, im surrounded by my peers 24/7 and im constantly reminded i have no friends, I have never really had friends all my life, i suffer from depression and anxiety and being in social situations makes me sad, i cant even eat at the dining hall because im usually the only person who eats by themselves so i havent eaten much of late, ive cried in my room so many times, im just so lost, i really need a friend :/
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self.depression
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Why does everyone hate me now since i‘m feeling depressed everyone just looks at me like i‘m a murder or something.
My old teachers kind off bullied me and i don‘t now why now i‘m going to a new school and i‘m scared.
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self.depression
|
Is there any point in life anymore? I've been trying so hard not to do anything rash but I've just had enough... as much as I don't want to do anything to make my family feel like shit, I just can't take it anymore. I just feel like constant shit and like my friends don't really want me anywhere anymore. I'm always a burden and slowly losing people. I don't see the point anymore, got a load of pills just in front of me and just need to pluck up the courage to take them and end it all... fuck like
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self.SuicideWatch
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I actually graduated I’m posting this here because nobody I know is able to fully appreciate it. But after four and a half years, multiple hospitalizations and getting a bipolar diagnosis in that time, I finally graduated college and I’m so happy.
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self.bipolar
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Feeling defeated. I also posted this in r/anxiety, but I'm posting it here too because it's a hybrid of depression and anxiety that I'm dealing with.
First and foremost, this is the first post I've made here in the sub. This is the first time that I felt like I needed to reach out somewhere online where the largest amount of people familiar with anxiety and depression exists so forgive me if anything I say isn't meant to be here or I'm in the wrong sub. I'm just confused and need some form of answers.
So, I'm 25 and I've suffered from depression and anxiety since I was a teenager. Over the years I've managed to kick the depression to the point I only get periods now and then where it hits me like a mack truck. The anxiety, is a different story. I have such a hard time with meeting new people and initiating conversation to the point that I literally just freeze up, really.
I was always one of the kids typically picked on in high school, so I never really made friends. Combine that with the fact that I have social anxiety, and you get what you can call a really lonely life. It doesn't matter if it's online or in person, I just can never initiate anything. The only time I feel comfortable talking to most people is if they've initiated conversation with me first.
It's made trying to make friends and socialize such a difficulty. I've reached a point in my life where I feel convinced that I'm never going to find friends or companionship that actually ends up being authentic and something legitimate. I literally sit on social media refreshing the pages hoping for a notification to pop up so I have a reason to be social with people.
I've taken medication before, and while it can help, it also just makes me feel really monotonous. I want to try to get through this without the need for it. I just don't know what to do at this point. Without a social circle of people who understand what I deal with and support me, I don't know how I'm ever going to get rid of this. At the same time, I can't even make friends to gain that. My family doesn't understand what I'm dealing with, so I can't lean on them either.
I just feel so completely alone and I really don't know how to handle this anymore. Any help or advice would be greatly appreciated..
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self.depression
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I'd like some advice. Hey you clicked on my post. Cool.
To put it simply, I'm in 9th grade and I've been struggling as I have been unable to complete a good chunk of my homework because working after school for an A feels like such a waste of human life when compared to me playing games with online friends.
My grades have been falling below C level and I'm wondering if counseling will help me or has helped any of you.
Any feedback would be appreciated really as my parents opinion of me is very rapidly falling and my hope for the future is steadily dwindling.
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self.depression
|
I've just accepted it I'll never be happy. I'll never find any fulfillment, direction, or purpose. I'll never feel like I'm somewhere I belong. Ive loved, and I've been loved, or at least told as much. There's nothing else to learn or experience, no more growing. The only reason I'm still around is for the people who might need me, and eventually I'll convince them or help them to a point where they don't need me anymore. Then I'll be free to finally disappear. Just a matter of patience at this point.
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self.depression
|
I was stupid and saw a psychic. I had the worst panic attack of my life and now I feel like I'm near death. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I cannot believe how numb I have become. Not much to say , but I miss the emotion i use to have. I am only 21 but depression sure has drained me mentally. I really hope this life improves soon because Im tired :(
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self.SuicideWatch
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I Don't Know What To Do I've just been so lost for so long, and I don't know where to turn anymore. My family has gotten tired of hearing anything about my mental health. My dad told me that they have done all that they are willing to. (That being about six appointments with doctors about ten years ago.) My mom added that if I wanted to get better I already would have.
I'm an adult now, but when they gave up on me as a teen I just sort of gave up too. My siblings aren't bothered with mental health issues, so they think that mine is just a cry for attention I guess.
I've pondered for years about hurting myself, to varying degrees of damage. I've never done anything major, just a bit of spur-of-the-moment harm. Nothing permanent or bloody. Mother told me that if I kill myself my life insurance won't pay for my funeral. Gee, mom. I wouldn't want to be a burden to you like that.
Lately I'm contemplating suicide more and more. I had a car accident a while ago, and I keep catching myself wishing that I had died. I haven't mentioned this to anyone. I'm married now, and my husband doesn't really know about my suicidal thoughts. He suggested tonight that I try to see a professional. That sent me over the brink for some reason. Therapy did not go well.
Sorry if this is not making sense. I'm feeling weird, detached. Like this isn't real, its just a movie or something. Kind of scary, and it hasn't happened often. Like my thoughts are racing around me, but I'm perfectly still. Like the center of a hurricane.
Ugh, this is pointless. Sorry.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I dont know what to do Honestly. I’m at my wits end. I had a terrible couple of weeks. I’m losing friends, just found out I wasn’t invited to a big outing with friends, because I never usually attend these types of things. I’m 26 and have lost half my life to anxiety. My life is slipping through my hands and I don’t know what to do. I might start a new bed, but no mess except Xanax has worked.
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self.Anxiety
|
Feel so lonely and hopeless.. My mind isn’t even clear enough to articulate my thoughts to write here clearly. I just feel so lonely and want to die.
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self.depression
|
do you ever have a strong desire to fall into a downward spiral? Idk, but sometimes I get so sad and I just want to fuck myself up so badly that there's no coming back. I just want to stop caring and stop pretending, and destroy myself. Does anyone else feel like this?
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self.depression
|
Any Good Techniques for When Triggered? Hi all,
I have been struggling this week with my anxiety due to being triggered by some co-workers this week (I have PTSD). I do go to therapy and I have a plan in place for these events, but I wanted to ask you all what do you do when triggered to see if I should add or adjust my approach.
Thanks!
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self.Anxiety
|
Can't shake it Basically im 18 in New Zealand and ive only recently come out of treatment for severe depression and drugs/alcohol addiction. Pretty much everything seemed way better when i started recovering and started enjoying life in a new light again and got a part time job while I studied as well as getting a new girlfriend who I love very much but recently those dark thoughts have been creeping in again for the last couple of months and im starting to feel really suicidal again. I just keep on making stupid mistakes on the most basic shit yet wondering why I keep on fucking up. And those thoughts of low self esteem, hopelessness and everything keeps creeping back in even though I know its the depression speaking not me but its getting harder and harder to fight and I just don't want to be a burden again for anyone to have to look after like a fucking baby. Even though im studying its only to try finish highschool since I missed half a year last year due to going into treatment. I keep on trying to do good but keep having a foggy mind and forgetting to do basic stuff like not burning or forgetting to put food away, taking ages to do everything from cleaning to things I actually enjoy doing. Something in my brain just seems to have changed after my episode, my cognition and focus is rapidly going downhill and ended up losing my job because of making continous stupid mistakes. I wasn't always like this and I know that im competent but I just want to return to normal and wish that this cloud would just blow away.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Maybe posting here will help me find people that can't help with moving on from her? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
One week from of self harm! I've found the will power to stop, so *depressed yay*
*Free (fuck you too autocorrect)
edit: fixed correction, but seriously, autocorrect fucks me over a lot :(
I will be ~~karma whoring~~ posting other major milestones, or if I relapse (still trying not to) also does it get easier as I go on?
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self.depression
|
It keeps coming back, I'm just tired. I have depression. I've attempted suicide in the past and was stopped. I can't afford to live, I can't afford to die. I'm just not fitting in, I'm not getting better. I'm tired of fighting. I can't afford therapy. I can't afford meds. I'm so tired. I just want to go to sleep and start over. Is that really such a bad thing?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anxiety taking over So for as long as i can remember I’ve suffered with depression, I’ve had pills to make me better, which I stopped taking as I felt numb to emotions I wanted to feel and I’ve had therapy which I hated, it felt too weird speaking to someone I didnt know about everything going on in my head. Now I feel like theres something more than depression thats fucking me up, its affecting my sleep, my work, my relationship with my family and especially my relationship with my boyfriend. I want to ring the doctors so bad, but I cant. Everytime I get the number up on my phone I don’t end up ringing, I feel like my doctor is against me, when I’ve been in the past I feel like she doesn’t really care and just gave me pills to get rid of me. Even after my 2 suicide attempts. I’m just stuck feeling like what I feel doesnt matter to the professionals. I feel like I’m going to feel like this forever.
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self.depression
|
The person who killed my mother has died. Twelve years of abuse from him, she tried to hide it but I saw. Too many 'accidents'. Too many times falling down the steps or being kicked by a horse. Too many times of falling out of the chair, and her last one was...the last one. I watched him burn her clothes while she was in hospice and say how lonely he is, and is hooking up with an old girlfirend. I watched him sign papers to unplug her...
Anyway, he is dead now. I'm not happy about that. But I am happy he won't do this to another person.
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self.offmychest
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I'm going to go out into the woods tonight and end my transgender mind with an AKM I'm going to tell my girlfriend that I realized I'm transgender and I'll spend a nice last moment with her so she can have a peaceful last memory with me. I'm fucking crying like a pathetic loser at how much she'll miss me and how I'll never see her again. She is the only person I ever loved because I hate my family. Once I've spent a nice long time with her, I'll leave and go out into the woods to spare myself a lifetime of misery.
I'll tell her in a few minutes when I can compose myself, and we'll have a nice long snuggle on the couch and I'll tell her how much I love her. I can't believe I'm going out like this! It's not fucking fair!
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self.SuicideWatch
|
It almost the end so before its to late I'm saying all the shit that won't make a difference but at least it's off my chest... [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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When I finally decided to go on an anxiety medication I asked my doctor, "How will I know if it is working or not?" She said "You should feel like yourself, but without anxiety."
I couldn't help but think, I don't know that person.
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self.Anxiety
|
I just had an hour+ long talk with my Dad I don't know whether to believe him or not [deleted]
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self.depression
|
40 years old with family and thinking of ending it I am 40 years old, married, with five young children under 10. I have started a couple of businesses and failed on all of them and I find myself at the point where I am failing again, in a house that I cannot afford or sell, and with little to no retirement savings. I don't have a particular skill from schooling like accounting, law, coding, engineering, etc. I was just not afraid of risk and wasn't tied down to a big family. During my last business, I had three children. Now I feel like my time is stretched, my mind is stretched, and I cannot get motivated for work. I tried antidepressants, but they made me very suicidal. If I had a gun in my house at the time, I would have killed myself for sure. I know this is all financial, I want to live. If I had a big bag of money, I would be happy. But I think that I don't have the will to be successful anymore now. I have life insurance policies that will settle at a few million in death benefit next year and wonder every day if I should end it at that point and take care of my family with insurance money. I cant find any stories online of someone in my spot losing it all with such a big family and getting back on track. I just see myself either killing myself and getting money for my family or moving to the cheapest place that I can support my family and hope that they can get a good education and take care of themselves after 18.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I haven't had a stable month in over a year and a half, giving up on things getting better I was diagnosed with Bipolar disorder a year ago after some bizarre behavior prompted me to see a psychiatrist. I had actually been diagnosed by two doctors before accepting that something was wrong.
Since then, I've tried different medications. I posted a week ago that Zyprexa was helping. I was embarrassed to take the medication but I noticed a difference when I did take it. I guess I spoke too soon because last night my cycle of craziness started all over again.
It always starts when if I'm tired or stressed. I've been extremely stressed for the past few weeks because I'm being laid off from my job. I keep freaking out about how I'll be able to pay for therapy because I would only get a month of severance and unemployment would just cover my bills.
Yesterday the breaking point was seeing that another one of my exes has gotten engaged. I fixated on it all day. I started thinking that no one is ever going to want to marry me and I'll never be able to have kids. I was extremely depressed. When I got home, my caregiver kind of brushed off my worries and we watched a movie. I walked a dog for someone in my building and my mind was taken off my thoughts for a while. I thought I was fine. But then night came and the voices started. They always start at night. They say I'm not good enough and that no one cares about me. They won't stop and then I can't sleep. I usually get up and leave because I think that if I'm away from my home, they will go away and it allows me to suffer by myself. My caregiver usually lets me leave and that makes it worse. I start believing that no one cares about me and that I'm on my own. I cry and drive around the city for a while before finding somewhere to park. I try to make everything stop but it never does. Then comes the thoughts that I need to just end it because things won't ever get better. I get scared because I don't actually WANT to die. I then try to go back home and get reassurance from my caregiver but I end up feeling stupid and worse. They talk to me as though I'm a crazy child. After crying for hours, the voices finally get quieter and I can fall asleep.
I'm so afraid for myself. I really think that one day I'm going to hurt myself or crash into someone while I'm driving around and hurt them. Is this even Bipolar Disorder? I feel completely fine until something triggers bad thoughts and then the voices take over. It's almost always at night when I'm laying down that they get loud. I've talked to my psychiatrist about this but it feels like she's not giving me any ways to stop this. Should I start taking sleeping pills when I know I'm going to have a terrible night? I haven't gone a month without this happening for over a year and a half. I'm so tired and frustrated with myself.
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self.bipolar
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