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Withdrawing from seroquel and i'm in hell right now I was on it and hated it, and now that I've weaned myself off, it's still biting my ass. I was awoken early this morning with massive body shakes, panic, sweating, nausea, and diarrhea that just won't quit. I've taken 1.5mg of ativan and 4mg of zofran to try and get things under control, but I'm still shaking and in hell. I'm so wigged out I don't feel like I can tolerate any further withdrawal symptoms, but I know I could have them for weeks now the drug is out of my system.
I don't know. My friend, who took seroquel for years, is trying to talk me though it, but it barely helps. I'm really scared, even though I'm not in any danger. I can't take this.
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self.Anxiety
|
It is time to do it i don't need help or advice about suicide i'm done with it i am taking my life today i just need to know which way is the least painful and can taking overdose of paracetamol kill you ?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
help The only thing keeping me here are my cats. I love them so much and I don’t know what I would do without them. School is too stressful for me and I don’t want be here anymore.
My great grandma recently passed at 102 and all I keep doing is thinking about being with her.
somebody help please
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self.SuicideWatch
|
lost..and want to end my life 2 klonopins in + a boatload of alcohol Bc who the fuck cares right?? I feel alone and misunderstood, like I simply exist to keep everyone else's life in the status quo..meaning if I'm alive they don't have much to think about but if I were to end my life it would cause so much pain and chaos and that knowledge is the only thing preventing me from following through on my desire to leave this earth. My husband suffers from anxiety; I've asked him time and again to let me know when he's in the throes of it so I can either give him some space or offer tlc. He refuses to communicate that ONE simple statement and instead lashes into me telling me I'm annoying etc. Last night we had (what I thought was) a small tiff. I told him we need to put limitations on how much $ we keep giving his family bc we need to seriously start saving for our own (no kids yet). We've already given his sister $500 this month and when I say I'd like to take a vacation he tells me with what money. I have no problemas looking out for our family but boundaries have to be put in place. Instead of engaging in a rational discussion he hit below the belt telling me I spent $100 on a hair cut/waxing when I literally just put $1K to savings. And also I'm not fucking asking for a handout it's called money management and I do a damn good job of it with excellent credit. It was a low blow. Then he proceeds to tell me he can't stand me and when I asked to discuss things when he felt calmer he said NO and if I kept asking he'd get mean. All of today he's ignored me, treating me like I'm nothing seeing I'm hurt and completely dismissing it. He has blown the entire thing out of proportion to where a discussion about money has turned into a discussion of all my faults. I'm not perfect by any means but when I've made mistakes or hurt him I immediately acknowledge my wrongdoings and I DO NOT repeat them, since I firmly believe a sincere apology is reflected through action not words. I feel utterly lost and hurt and this is bringing up a lot of past pain (separate of him). I don't want to live like this anymore. I feel lost angry confused and I honestly want to disappear. No one gives a fuck about me not even him. I just exist to appease or enable ppl to live in their deluded bubbles always blind to someone else's truth. Please help me. I'm desperate for understanding or advice, even if it's in disagreement with me but honest.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I can't stop blaming myself or feeling like I'm overreacting. I was drunk. No, I was blacked out. I don't remember anything after a certain point in the night, where my best friend had finally showed up and offered to buy me a drink. So when my best friends all took care of me, and took me back to my hotel room, they thought I would be taken care of by another friend. I never thought that getting drunk and celebrating my 21st birthday with my friends would be a risk. Because he was my friend. They were my friends. And yet someone I trusted violated me. But I don't know if I'm to blame, if I'm overreacting, or something.
I blacked out, and I remember the moment I realized what was happening. So this is from the account of my other friend who was in the room. The two of them were in the room with me, where there were two beds. One was genuinely taking care of me, making sure I didn't throw up all over myself, making sure I got to bed. The other 'friend' was on the second bed, seeming to be asleep. He put me in bed by myself, covered me with a blanket and left to use the restroom. He finished and walked out of the bathroom to see the 'friend' had moved from the other bed to sleep next to me. He thought it was weird, but we were all drunk and tired so he said 'fuck it' and went to sleep in the empty bed.
I woke up probably around 5am, groggily and half-aware. I was making out with someone, I was being groped, I was being touched all over everywhere over clothes and under. In my completely still drunken state, I thought this was a person I had been dating. I apparently wanted to continue, or said we should go further. We didn't, because then I realized who it was. In my mind I thought, wait, no, Kxxxxx? No wait I'm really drunk sorry, but in real life I'd mumbled no no no and pushed him off, and passed out again. That was it. That's all I remember. Then it was morning and he was gone, and I went to breakfast with some friends.
What I would come to realize is that something similar had happened before with him. 2 weeks earlier, I had been very drunk (but not black-out drunk) at a friend's party, where he also was. By the end of the night I wanted to just sleep, so I tried to find an empty room to lie down. He came with me, saying he would help me to bed. I said no it's ok, but he came with anyway, and when we found a room, he put a blanket on the ground and I laid down. He laid down next to me. I don't know why, he wasn't that drunk or tired yet, but whatever I was tired, I didn't think anything of it, so I fell asleep. And when I woke up he was close to my face and kissed me. I pulled away and said I wasn't interested in him like that. That was that, he seemed embarrassed and we moved on.
So I had told him before I wasn't interested after he kissed me while I was drunk, and 2 weeks later, he decided to sleep in the same bed while I was passed out, and either take advantage(??) of me while I was passed out, or take advantage (??) of the fact that I was black-out-didnt-know-what-was-going-on-level of drunk.
I keep circling back to blaming myself. I feel like he was taking advantage of me..but I remember saying to keep going. Then I remember realizing who he was and then feeling grossed out, and saying no. But then again, I said I wasn't interested 2 weeks before, why would he do it anyway? But then I give him the benefit of the doubt--maybe he thought I wasn't as drunk as I actually was?
I don't know if I'm making a fuss, or overthinking it. I just feel betrayed by someone I thought was my friend, but I wonder if I'm even justified in feeling that way. Was it a miscommunication? Did he actually take advantage of me?
Someone told me that I cant blame myself for getting that drunk with friends, because of course I'd get drunk with them, I trusted them all. And I realize, yeah I wouldn't get that drunk if I was ever with someone I would suspect to do that to me. So is it my fault? I still don't know. I feel like it is, but then why do I feel so violated?
Update: Turns out he did the same thing to someone else. She was blacked out drunk and he took her home, without her consent. When she woke up he was ripping her pants off. I can definitely no longer blame myself, because I would not blame her, and do not blame her. I'm disgusted.
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self.offmychest
|
I feel like I am wasting my time. Sorry for my bad english. I feel like I am wasting my time. I feel like I supposed to something productive all the time. I should not waste any of my time doing nonsense like watching youtube, playing video games etc. If I do such things I often feel like, what have I done wasting my time again. I could have read a book or do something to improve myself (For example learning stuff). I could not stand waste my time. When I eat, I must watch something otherwise the time will be wasted. I enjoy listening music and drinking with friends(friends are optional). I do not have any much friends. I am no one’s favorite. I believe that I can’t be happy without money. We are not rich unfortunately. I am so bored. I read almost everything about it online. I want different responses. I do not want to hear, “find new hobbies, go to gym, go out more”. If these are the only answers, I think I am doomed. Thank you for listening. It is hard to explain in foreign language.
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self.Anxiety
|
Feels like im gonna be alone my whole life Which isn't a huge problem since im mostly an introvert. Still, it would be nice to have someone loyal by my side.
Bringing this up since im at this party, met a girl she seemed nice. We flirted a little then she left before i could get her number... you know the drill.
Haven't had a real relationship in a couple years btw. Saw one girl for sex only about a year ago a weird thing with another maybe 6 months ago ( i thought we were together she had eyes for someone else etc.) I feel very lonely... but i think that's ok.
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self.depression
|
i was stopped. I was standing on a bridge leaning on railing thinking about jumping, and was stopped by a complete random man who asked me "you need a ride" and i just started crying so he dropped me to hospital where i got time for therapist.
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self.depression
|
The reason why I want to give up I just CAN'T connect with anybody. I'm really an alien. On outside I look like anyone, on inside I am a total stranger to this world. I wish I never existed. Every single fucking day is shit. I'm fucking done. I'm almost 30 and for the past 13 years my life has been absolute shit. It's not gonna get better. Well I'm gonna go sleep as usual.. then wake up tomorrow and have a shit day. This world this life everything is shit, I don't care if others people are having fun and figured it out, lot of us did not figure it out and we are in constant pain. Well I'm gonna sleep now, see you guys.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
meh... I've had depression my whole life, or at least as long as i could remember. The only things that really help are pets, i enjoy being around animals as they are the only real companions/friends i have ever really had.
My first pet i have ever really had is a cat that lives at my fathers house, but i never really go their unless its for a family event. So i rarely get to see him.
My second pet i have owned is a pitbull that i had just a few months ago when i lived in AZ, but due to circumstances and not being able to have the funds, i had to give her back to the lady i bought her from cause i didnt have the money to have the airlines fly her with me when i moved back to MN so i wont get to see her again.
But recently i've been in a really dark depression due to family issues, aswell as health issues, and i am just really wanting to get myself a cat to take care of and just enjoy its prescence..
But i live with my aunt and she has a small dog, to which i dont really like the dog that much, due to it being aggressive towards me for no real reason. I really want to be able to get my own animal but im too afraid to bring it up to my aunt that i want to get a pet.
Having an animal would really help me get out of depression and feel less lonely. I pretty much work and when im not working im just alone in my bedroom watching youtube or netflix, so having an animal to take care of thats my own, would get me to find some joy.
If i can get up the courage to ask her and if she says i can, i just plan on cleaning the room i stay in up and rearrange somethings, and having a litter box in my room aswell as food dishes and what not.
But idk i guess i made this post to get some advice on talking to my aunt about this, and getting ideas for how to tell her and talk to her about it
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self.depression
|
Shock therapy? My Dr recommended me shock therapy today, I was wondering if anyone has done it and what your experience was. (Im in ab Canada for stuff having to do with hospital procedure)
Questions I'm wondering about:
Do you stay for an extended amount of time in the hospital?
Does it hurt?
Do you always lose your memory? Also how long does it last/how severe is it?
Most importantly, did it work for you?
I'm very scared so any information helps
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self.depression
|
help me, please I feel nothing I want to regain my emotions I want to able to feel again.
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self.depression
|
Alcohol Has anyone had a problem with alcohol and then beat It?
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self.Anxiety
|
Headaches w/ Invega (or other APs)? I've been on Invega for 3 days and have pretty constant headaches. I've read that it's a common side effect. The last time I had headaches with an AP was when I tried Latuda. My Latuda headaches subsided after a few weeks.
Has anyone had headaches with Invega (or another AP)? Did it go away? Thanks!
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self.bipolar
|
Wellbutrin My pdoc just added wellbutrin for ADD. Any thoughts on wellbutrin? I know it's not an SSRI but I'm a little nervous about adding it to the other three meds I already take (Latuda, Tegretol, and Buspar). So far I have no side effects but I am worried about mania.
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self.bipolar
|
How do I know if I'm depressed? So I have an anxiety disorder, and so I'm pretty aware of what that entails. But lately, I've started wondering if some of the symptoms I've had are signs that I have a mild form of depression, or if it's just from having an anxiety disorder. Most of my negative feelings stem from social anxiety, actually. And that, I feel, is a large reason why I seem to have a low opinion of myself. But then again, I feel like there are a lot of signs (I've wrestled with self-esteem issues ever since I was young, for example) that show that I might be depressed. But how do I know that's not because of the anxiety disorder and has nothing to do with being depressed?
Part of me wants to actually see someone about this, but I'd feel like a fraud for saying I feel depressed. So many people actually suffer from it. How can I say I feel depressed when I can still have so many good days? When I can improve my mood easily in the course of a day?
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self.depression
|
I want to kill myself but too afraid of pain I understand that Im weak, ive accepted that
i know the weaks should go first in this world
ive tried MULTIPLE therapy, anti depressants, rehab
i have a wonderful family
i have food, plenty of people who care for me
i had a boyfriend, 3 animals together, a house together, a solid job making 2000+ a month at the age of 21.
i am fully aware that i have everything
but i am done trying to find happiness. i have lost all hope in living. My mind is too far gone.
im too the point where i dont even want to feel better. i want to be as low as i can so hopefully i can just slowly fade away.
wishful thinking right?
i cannot stand to live another day but i am too afraid to stab/cut/shoot/hang myself
i am a pussy.
but what do i do now, i WANT to die.
Ive come to terms with it. is there nothing else i can do but stay here and suffer????
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self.depression
|
I can't feel sad anymore, even when I want to. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I Think I may be experiencing Dissociation, advice and support please! So I've been attending college for about 2 years now and have had a few ups and downs. I was really hoping this semester would be better as I have now been accepted as a student with disability due to my ADD, and now have more resources at my disposal. However I have yet to really make use of many of them to my own demise.
Anyway, long story short, I have dug myself into a hole in one of my classes as the workload is quite heavy (three term papers and one final project at the end). I have now since watched two of those deadlines come and go without even starting them (WHY AM I LIKE THIS AKJSHJKSH). So since this weekend, I think I may be experiencing dissociation or depersonalization. At first I thought it could be drug induced since I have experienced it in the past on drugs such as ketamine and nitrous oxide and sometimes weed if I haven't smoked in a while. However I haven't taken any drugs I am not prescribed or done any illicit substances in years. I thought it may have been the combination of my dexedrine, weed and some beer I had on the weekend at a party, however I still feel like I'm 'high' and my hands don't feel like they're mine/feel numb or like there's some sort of delayed response in my touch perception. I also kind of feel like I'm in a haze/dreamlike state. I only feel normal if I'm concentrating on my phone or tv or whatever but as soon as I try to think about anything else I get a head ache and feel disconnected.
Does anybody know what is happening to me and how do I deal with it to make it stop? TIA!
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self.Anxiety
|
I asked myself the question "What are you waiting for?" I feel like the future will bring nothing, even if I get a job and money, I will still be stuck in a cycle. Why do I keep living with nothing more than a vague hope that things will get better when they never do. I will just live to see my dreams become impossible and out of reach. I will just live looking up and wishing. Why shouldn't I kill myself when I won't be anxious about my dreams that are in the process of being lost? Please convince me otherwise, I just need a reason to keep on going.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My mom is suicidal and I think I'm partly to blame. Mom has been going through a messy divorce for years now and my father has just signed the papers. Even though my farther has been mentally and emotionally abusive my mom doesn't want to live without him, she's a firm believer is "Til death do us part" and I'm sure she's planning something. I called an Ambulance for her yesterday but nothing was really done (this is the second time we've done it). I haven't spoken to my father in 3-4 years due to the way he treats and abuses the family, I was even homeless at one point because of it. My mother wants me to talk to my father and make up with him. I'm so tired and worried, I've been sitting next to her while she quietly writes a will. I just want things to be okay. I don't know what to do, I'm so tired.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
It's ironic. The only thing keeping me alive is trying to suffocate myself every night, with the intention of destroying myself, and imagining I'm some hero just struggling to stay alive.
Im trying, but I feel like I'm drowning while everyone just walks past, unfeeling. I'm literally living just so my mum and my dog arent sad. But it's draining. I'm tired of trying to complete school and college so I can get a job with enough pay in the future, but I keep taking breaks because of my mental healt so it's taken five years more than normal. All because of bullies in high school that refuse to acknowledge they effed up others lives. I don't think about it much, but it still haunts my dreams. I'm tired that my circle of friends who do know about my dep is like, 3 and they are all (to be fair) busy with their own lives.
I honestly wish I'd just give up the fight and give in to the impulses.
Everything is much lighter each time I hurt myself to the point I nearly pass out..
I wish I could forget everything and be someone else. I'm tired of trying to be a good person.
I wish I didn't have to be here.
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self.depression
|
Feeling empty inside It's something that I rarely find here, it probably have been discussed long time ago then passed into silence because no solution have been found aside being even more depressed.
For those who are feeling like that, what do you do ? How is it a problem ?
At these moment I don't feel that empty, but dream/imagination that was fullfilling myself before tend to me more replaced by boredom, especially due to the fact I'm addicted to opiates
I'm just poping the subject for those who relate for seeing how ppl manage it, it can be interesting, and perhaps it will help some other ppl wich are into it.
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self.depression
|
Panicking before a funeral. A racist and estranged family member died this week, and I had to drive to my hometown to attend the funeral and family events. I’m literally sitting in my car. In a grocery store parking lot. Panicking before this thing.
Being around my entire family brings me so much anxiety. My heart has been pounding all day. My hands and feet are shaking.
How do I overcome this social anxiety?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Had a dream I kissed a girl at a party and for once I woke up happy God that’s got to be one of the most pathetic things that’s ever happened to me. I had a dream that I was at a party and this stunning redhead girl was actually making the effort to talk to me all night. It felt like we had met before and this was like our second time talking to each other or something. The dream was just so damn vivid though, so real. We flirted for a while really heavily, and I could tell what was going on but I was too scared to make the first move. After a while the night had kinda dragged on and got a little quieter, and she was pretty tired. She leaned on my shoulder and we just kind of sat like that for a little bit with her cuddled up against me. Then she looked up at me and leaned forwards and we made out. It felt fucking amazing that a girl found me attractive and interesting enough to sit and talk/flirt with me all night, this has literally never happened.
And then I woke up lmfao. Strangely when I woke up I still felt really happy, even though it was all fake. But now I realise it just sounds so stupid. It was one of those dreams that just felt so real though. Girls never like me in that way, they always go for my friends if we are out somewhere. I’m like the backup to talk to when everybody else is busy. Not that I’m like disliked, it’s just I’m not anyone’s first choice for conversation. Occasionally someone will actually want to hang with me for a bit, but its never anything beyond finding me funny cause I’m a little too drunk or whatever. No girls has ever found me attractive enough to attempt to flirt with me like happened in that dream, and like I see happen to other people all the damn time. I must be getting lonely man lmao.
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self.depression
|
My anxiety is so bad it's ruining my life Everything in my life has changed at once. My dad just died, I transferred to university, moved to a new town. I don't like the town I live in, I don't like the people I live with. I second guess every conversation I have with every person. I feel a level of social anxiety I thought left me long ago. People here are not as nice as they were where I used to live. I'm volunteering as an assistant in a lab and as I was being trained I was struggling to understand things and now I'm too anxious to return because I feel so embarrassed it didn't click immediately. People bully me here. I haven't experienced that since high school. Some people scowl when I just smile at them. I'm 25 and just want meaningful friendships and everyone here on this campus seems focused solely on how cool someone is if they get invited to a bunch of parties and alternatively how uncool they are if they don't. I don't even drink. My roommates think I'm weird for sleeping early and not wanting to have drinks and smoke weed in the living room with them at 11 at night on a weekday. I have to wear ear plugs every night because everyone in the house stays up until 1 in the morning. My dad died and what hurts the most is how abusive he was and how he wasn't actually nice or close to us until he was already dying. I mourn what I never had more than anything else. I'm trying to keep it together. I don't want to drop out of school, I don't want to stop working in the lab, but everything is making me miserable right now. I feel like I'm just a burden to everyone because I have anxiety and need to talk through things. I feel so alone and as though I'm not allowed to struggle or have bad days
And I know this is probably going to sit here and receive no response or care. As every time I do reach out about anything that seems to be the response
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self.offmychest
|
I don't like anyone around me I'm privately a very angry, bitter person, and I can't trust anyone around me. I pass as 'normal' so I get to hear the things people say about people like me. Sometimes it's just rude jokes, sometimes its threats of harm. It's hard to get close to anyone when I know they most likely wouldn't respect me if they knew what I was. It makes me angry that I need to pretend that I respect or even like these people but they make no fucking effort to show the most basic courtesy to people like me. I hate them and how secure and safe they feel to be so shameless when they think nobody's watching.
Sometimes I just want to drop the act and go public and speak my mind. I want to tell them what I think of them and make them choke on their own words. I'm nowhere near articulate enough or quick-witted enough to last in a verbal showdown and certainly not strong enough should a confrontation get physical, and besides, I have a career to think about, so I just stay quiet.
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self.offmychest
|
I can't make any male friends. I'm 28, married. I don't have any male friends that go beyond small talk in a public place, but have an easier time making female friends. That obviously causes some friction with my wife, even though there isn't any romantic intentions. It seems like most guys I hang out with just play video games and watch sports, both I don't care for. I do like to hunt and fish but really only by myself, same with working on cars. I'm at a point where I don't value personal relationships. Years in the military with moves and constant rotations of folks left me unwilling to put in the time to make solid connections. That thought of knowing that you'll be removed from seeing friends has stayed with me, along with a lost interest in nearly everything.
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self.offmychest
|
Should I update my life insurance beneficiaries before I follow through with it? I"m not exactly sure when I'm gonna do it but things are looking very bleak in my life so I think I'm leaning towards ending my life. I'm just not happy and I've lost my career/job, my house, my life savings, and soon possibly my freedom as I'm tied up in the legal system.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I feel like I'm always the second person on everyone's mind [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
. do you sometimes feel like everyone is talking about you to the point you panic and have to isolate yourself?
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self.bipolar
|
I hate it. I hate watching people, with their smiling faces and their pursed lips. I hate how they snuggle up to one another acting as if the world isn't a fucking cesspool. Liars. All liars.
What is the essence of a significant other? God says in Genesis that it's not good for people to be alone. In that case, why are there so fucking many? Why is it weighing as heavily on my mind as it is? Is it sex? I don't think so, there are professional services if you want to have your fun. Maybe it's love? But then, love doesn't actually exist, so what is it? I wish there was a way to chemically castrate myself right here, right fucking now, then I wouldn't have to feel this. I'm going fucking crazy, and I can't talk to anyone about it, so I'm on here, spouting incoherent nonsense to people who don't give a fuck fuckkity fuck.
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self.offmychest
|
I gave it one more year. I'm done. I'll never have anyone. I really tried. I tried everything I could to convince myself I could live without it. It's impossible. It's everywhere. Everywhere you look. Love. Couples. Dating. Marriage. Relationship. Sex. Why is it so easy for everyone else? It's like it just *happens* for people. Not for me. And I know why. They're all normal looking. It's not about your health or your clothes or your personality. Fuck everyone who says it is. I mean, it *can* be about that. But there's a prerequisite. You have to be naturally decent looking. Not even good looking, just average or slightly below average. The prerequisite to looking good in clothes is having an ok-looking face. The prerequisite to having a great personality is having someone actually care what comes out of your mouth, which isn't the case if you're hopelessly ugly as I am.
It's fucking everywhere. Can't watch TV shows anymore. No more movies. Every second post on Reddit is some dude bragging about how awesome is wife is. Social media is out of the question. Oh what's that? I should stop using social media because it's just a highlight reel of people's best moments? Well alright, let me go for a walk then. Oh look, a couple holding hands. A pretty girl who looks right past me. And a nice happy family walking down to the park. **It's everywhere**.
And the absolute worst part is all the crap people will say to make it seem like your fault. You're never interesting enough, never well-groomed enough, never in good enough shape, never have enough hobbies. They'll do anything to convince you that the problem is something you can change. No one will ever be honest enough to look you in the eye and tell you "You're just too ugly". And if you've done all that and they know it's hopeless but don't have the heart to tell you, they'll feed you stuff like:
*"I'm sure you'll find someone. The world's a big place!"*
*"You don't need love to be happy!"*
*"There's more to life than relationships!"*
*"Why don't you get a pet? They'll love you forever!"*
Check their post history and there's a post about a cake their girlfriend made for them. Or a comment on an annoying habit their husband has. So many times. It's to the point where I can immediately tell who is a "have" and who's a "have-not". The "haves" will make it seem so ridiculously easy and nonchalant. They'll tell you how many ugly friends they have that having stunning partners, because of their *personality*. It's so fucking insulting. The amount of times I've been told my personality is the problem by people who don't even know me. Fuck that. I am done with the encouragement. I'm done with the self-improvement. I'm done not being good enough.
I'm done. I'd rather die than live a long life of loneliness only to look back and see all the young couples enjoying what I could never have. I'm not going through that pain. Not a chance.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Anti-psychotics make you dumb I'm on Latuda and I swear it makes my spacey-ness worse and makes it harder to think. I feel inattentive and disorganized. Some days are harder than others but overall I think this drug is making me dumber. I really want to get off of it. What are y'alls experiences with anti-psychotics and do they make you "dumb" as well?
*edit: it also occurred to me to add that it's possible my psychotic breaks made me dumber. Do you lose a lot of brain function from being psychotic/manic or is it more likely it's a side effect of the drugs?
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self.bipolar
|
why the fuck do i have to be alone because of how i look? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
I really just don't want to exist I really wish I just never existed I should have never existed. It would be so much easier if I could just get run over or something.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Just wanted to say thank you! Just wanted to say thank you to /anxiety and the whole of reddit, every time I feel a panic attack coming on I grab my phone and head to reddit and get myself lost within random content, I genuinely don’t know where I’d be without it, it is the only thing that helps stop them in its tracks.
Thank you
|
self.Anxiety
|
I think my boyfriend is going to leave me. Fuck everything. Dad told me this would happen. I should’ve believed him. Fuck me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I've been wondering about having bipolar for a while. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
This is what years of being put down will do to someone in the long term [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I want to kill myself. I've been battling depression for too long now and I can't take it anymore. This world isn't for me! The people I thought were there for me kinda blow me off now when I come to them for help because maybe they don't take me serious or they're annoyed now?? I feel really alone
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self.SuicideWatch
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Verbal vomit I can’t deny that for the last 10 years my life has been in an increasingly fast decline. It’s something I’ve been able to manage and somehow convince myself that the mediocrity was worth it as long as I could push myself to survive one more day. I believed those shitty Disney movies that promise a better and brighter tomorrow. However, as time passes I realize the more I survive the less I understand about living. It becomes a concept from a fiction movie or a fairy tale. It’s like the feeling you get listening to a crappy song over and over again. It sucks but eventually you tune it out and become numb to it. I’m a little ways past the numbness. My soul seeks peace. It was to take a rest but there’s no respite.
As someone with crippling ADHD school has never been easy and while I’ve made it my grades were, at times, lack luster. This being said I have no chance of a grant or scholarship of any kind (something my SO has had the privilege of) and I can never go to my dream school or anything close to it. The job I’ve always wanted requires credible schooling and that’s both too expensive and something my grades would never allow my to apply to and get in. So that was a long-term thing I messed up. So I have no future in the industry I want no matter how hard I might want it and no possible way to afford any lower types of education.
With no special skills I lack the ability to get anything but a demoralizing minimum-wage job and depend on others to help me and my roommate make ends meet. We live without food and emergency money most of the time, praying something doesn’t go wrong and avoiding having guests over lest we be unable to give them anything to eat. Most of the time I eat one pack of ramen with an egg or two cracked into it and then if I have a closing shift at work I hide a piece of expired food before it gets thrown out for me to eat. I feel like a vulture or a maggot, feeding off the wastes of others to simply survive.
As mentioned before I am dating someone but I feel as if our relationship has suffered at the hands of both of our anxieties and mental illnesses. They have diagnosed anxiety and severe depression and are constantly afraid of losing me. They ask me dozens of times a day if I’m alright and if I’m happy with them and apologize after seemingly every sentence ad for everything. While it was manageable at first it’s become something of a nuisance. It’s started to take a toll on me and I feel disconnected from them and find interacting with them (and now others) to be an exhausting chore. I give the same answers and get the same over worried response and it’s a never ending cycle of feeling like the bad guy. If I say I’m fine they blame themselves and go into a severe and crippling anxiety attack and say if they don’t do something I’ll spiral and no matter what I say or do the cycle continues. Eggshells all of the time. Not to mention they’ve said if I leave they’ll probably end their life.
And even if I did leave I’m such a fat slob of a person that I would never find someone else on this entire damn planet. Despite being on my feet all day because of my work and eating less than 1500 calories a day I still don’t lose the weight and it grinds on my soul. I also have adult acne and adult acne scarring that will probably never ever go away. So as for visuals, even that’s a trainwreck.
So all in all I’m a burdensome wreck. I have no prospects, no marketable talents, no ability to contribute to society, no visual appeal, no financial security, and now...no hope for improvement. I don’t know how much longer those around me can fully bank on my company. Maybe I should write a note explaining my feelings. Maybe this is my note. All I can do now is hope for a miracle. Nobody seems to comment on these things anymore so this might even be my last post. I don't know whether to hope I'm wrong or not.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Nervous and finding it hard to concentrate I have a date on Tuesday and I find that my nerves are making it harder to not only focus on the date and how it’s going to go horribly wrong. I had a great last couple days where I had other stuff to take my mind off of it but now it’s just like all I can think about in the back of my head. My thoughts are racing constantly and I’m getting hyper sexual again which definitely needs to stop by the time of the date. I feel kind of hypomanic and should honestly just go to bed but I needed to yell out into the void where none of my friends would see this or if they did they wouldn’t realize it was me.
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self.bipolar
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Worthless piece of shit with a lovely girlfriend (LDR) [deleted]
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self.depression
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My best friend killed himself and I just don’t know what to do from here. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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5 more hours and then I'm done worrying about doing finals Then I get to worry about what grades I'm getting in my classes for 2 whole weeks hooray
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self.Anxiety
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Getting off clonipin was a great choice Just wanted to share something positive. I had a bit of an unexpected shift in the right direction over the last few months. I've been weaning off clonipin over the last year and started experiencing withdrawals two months ago. It was similar to a light flu for 5 weeks. I also was drinking, not binging, but daily. When I was sick from clonipin withdrawals alcohol made me sicker so I stopped. Now with no benzo or alcohol I feel better than I have in years. Improved concentration was the first thing I noticed. I'm (slowly) getting back into jogging and have even started meditating again. I'm very calm and I feel like I've regained some higher facilities I thought I had lost.
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self.bipolar
|
Stuck in a lonely rut I don't know where to start. I feel like I keep going in circles and going nowhere at the same time. A little background: I just graduated college with a stem degree and joined my first job in a new city. I live in a wonderful, beautiful and safe place in town with things to do around here. I'm at such a good place in my life and yet every night I'm crying and going to bed not wanting tomorrow to come. I'm just so fucking lonely.
A little more background: the biggest hit to me right now was that I just lost my best friend. Before I moved we had a fight. And without going into many details, she basically just shut me out of her life and it feels like I got dumped. Funny thing is all those lyrics and quotes about losing an SO feel super appropriate here. More than anything I feel like I've been told I'm not worth it and that I'm replaceable. All those wonderful moments we had meant nothing to her and here I'm feeling like my glass heart got dropped on the sidewalk and forgotten. I've had so many good people tell me that's she's just not worth it and that I did the right thing by getting her out if my life but it doesn't feel that way. I know that even if I made mistakes, I tried to fix them and was ignored, and that means that I shouldn't feel guilty, but I feel like I'm the scum of the Earth and it makes sense why I have no friends.
2nd hit: I have a wonderful boyfriend of 4 years but he's half way across the country. We both decided that it's better for us to focus on our careers right now but it's so hard. I miss him so much because he gets me like no one else does. I've never felt more comfortable about my flaws and quirks as I do when he's around. There are so many things I want to prove to myself and the people who don't want us to be a couple and to do that I need to get through this part of our relationship but it's hard and I'm worried that they are right. I'm worried that they're right when they say I can't handle it.
This weekend I was supposed to go out with an acquaintance and go watch a movie and she would help me set up my bed. But she must have gotten tied up with things because she hasnt let me know when she's free. It frustrates me so much that I have to be dependent on others to get my life moving. I've tried making friends. Met people at a climbing gym and even at work but it's really hard for me to put myself out there. I'm worried that they won't like me and like many of my past relationships I'll eventually get ignored. I've tried getting my life together and working out and eating better and getting a new haircut. Even though those things have been good for me, my feelings aren't going away.
I miss being loved and I miss how comfortable my life was before. I miss my friends, however few that is now.
I don't know where I'm going with this. Thank you for reading this rant. I think I just wanted to tell someone something, anything. Because the people I normally talk to arent around and I don't want them to worry. I'm not suicidal, I'm just very sad. I'm all meanings of the word.
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self.depression
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If I wasn’t afraid of the physical pain I would have done it by now.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Physical symptoms of depression Idk if I'm just more aware of it or not. But for me, some days are better than others. On the bad days, I get a sort of "heavy" feeling in my limbs. Sometimes my fingertips tingle, especially if I end up crying. And my muscles will feel sore and jelly-like as if I'd just gotten done with a strenuous workout. On good days though, I feel more lightweight and limber. Even more sure-footed in my walking. Like my balance and motor skills become better. I just wish it didn't come crashing down every time after a while.
Does anyone else get stuff like this?
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self.depression
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Here’s my story, sorry I’m very homesick and this helped me way more than you know, thanks! Long story short, I fucked up in college. It was way too much for the Immature me at the time. I suffered from extreme depression but never went to seek help, whenever my family asked me how I was doing I always responded with “fine” while also saying I was getting A’s and B’s when I really never left my dorm at all unless it was to use the restroom. I think from that point on, I really never got caught up. I was academically suspended for my 3rd semester, and I was so embarrassed and worried about what my family would think that I lived out of my car in the city the University was in. All I wanted to do was make my family proud of me. That’s all. So I told my family I was still doing well. I’m the oldest of my 3 brothers so I wanted to set a good example, and be a role model to them, so there was a 0% chance I was going to let them find out. I’m from a suburban area where everybody graduates high school and moves on to college. Everyone in my town would look down upon me if they found out i got kicked out of school, or at least that’s how I felt. I finally muscled up the guys to tell my parents after 1 year of not going to school. It was the hardest thing I’ve ever done. I decided to get a fresh start and transfer to a community college. New year, new me I thought. Nope, same thing. I was 3 and a half hours from home, feeling sorry for myself and depressed off my ass. I had a horrible roommate who made my life hell for the year, so i would rarely leave my room. I failed most of my classes, and didn’t sign up the following semester. After 3 years, I only had 40 credits to show for. I finally mustered up the courage to seek help. I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, as well as panic attacks, and ADD. This past summer was the best months of my life. After 3 of “going to college” I finally felt like myself again. I was still so far behind, all of my friends a year away from graduating and I might as well still be a freshman with 4 years left. I know I’m looked down upon because I failed out of school. Whenever my aunts, uncles, friends asked me about anything school related I was so short with them and tried to change the subject. I would dread seeing my friends or going to family parties, and stay in my room because I was afraid of getting asked about school. Sorry if I’m venting a little, this is just a good way for me to coupe. Fast forward to this last summer. I felt good, I was finally back on my feet. Just turned 21, and tried as best as I could to forget the past. After 3 years I was finally close with my family again, and put my family over everything because they supported me no matter what I choose to do. One other thing I was diagnosed with was SAD, i lived in a very cold place. Winters were miserable. 6 months of not being after to go outside for More than a minute. I really think that is what lead to me skipping classes my freshman year and from that point on i just kept digging myself into a hole. I made the biggest decision of my life. I decided to move thousands of miles across the country to Los Angeles, CA and live with my cousin. I needed a fresh start, and most importantly I wanted to prove to my family that I’m not a fuck up, that I will make it on my own. It was the hardest decision of my life, but I believe it was the right move. I found a community college i can attend, and after a semester I can transfer to a university. Saying goodbye to them when our relationship was at its strongest it’s ever been was unforgettable.
After 3 months, my life has been great. I found a job as a cashier and after 2 months I was promoted to manager! I still cry a little whenever I think about how blessed I am. I decided to start school again next semester as i really underestimated the prices here. Always wanted to start my own buisness, I know, it’s very broad but it’s one of the only jobs I can think of where I’ll enjoy and look forward to waking up and grinding the next day. Im so far behind school wise, and all my friends are about to graduate. I know they look down on me a little but I try not to let it bother me, although my anxiety won’t let that happen. I care way too much what people think of me and it’s a terrible way to live, but I do my best.
I started writing this in the mist of having a panic attack so I’m sorry if I’m rambling on a little but it’s really helping me relax and calm down. Lately I’ve been extremely homesick. I went back home for a week during Xmas, and although it was too cold to do much, being around them again was something special. The happiest I’ve been my whole life. I just wish I was this mature and ready at age 18, but i guess that just the hand i was dealt. I didn’t want to leave Home, part of me wanted to say fuck it and stay there, but i knew what I signed up for and knew what I needed to do in order to be successful. I was living a life of lies and now I finally felt like myself, im nowhere near perfect, but i try to improve myself everyday.
Ever since I returned from Christmas break, I’ve been extremely homesick, I think about things I would have done differently if i was back home again. I think about if my life would be better if instead of being in LA, if I could spend more time with my brothers back home. Every night is tough. A deep fear comes in and I wonder if I’ll ever see my family again. This only happens at night. During the day I’m usually okay. I call my parents daily and brothers just to hear their voices. A couple nights ago I had a panic attack and felt as if i was going to die. The only way I can calm myself down is to talk to my mom. She’s everything to me. What usually causes these are me overthinking if I made the right decision to move across the country. I’m just wondering if anyone is in the same boat or knows how to coupe with homesickness/night time panic attack’s. If you’re still reading, thank you! I know it’s a long story but it helped me so much, this is the first time I’ve really told my whole story and it’s just the condensed version, believe me I could go on to write a book lol. Its a long fucked up journey, but it’s my journey and honestly everyone has to start somewhere. My ultimate goal is to eventually tell my story and have it change the lives of Anybody who is going through what I went through. Thanks guys!
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self.Anxiety
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Help? So I have never dealt with anxiety until a panic attack on some pill (supposedly mdma, more details in my other post in r/Drugs). Since then it has been 2 months... I am scared I'll become anxious, and while I know a panic attack goes away, my fear is that once I go back full-on anxious I will stay like that forever/for a really long time. These thoughts prevent me from havinf the fun I used to, as they make me think anythi g I do will make me anxious, I will have a panic attack and then everything will be ruined. Any advice on this...?
Also please go to my profile and read my other post about what happened the night of the mdma panic attack, maybe it makes things more clear.
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self.Anxiety
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Bad memories Can anxiety make you remember bad memories from your childhood and life?
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self.Anxiety
|
Just me thinking and putting it on paper I feel so exhausted from my mind. It’s constantly worrying and comparing and putting myself down. I have zero self esteem. And I am not assertive at all. Extrovert all the way. I want to accept me for who I am but I just can’t. It’s never enough. I compare myself to the people I grew up with and I don’t even compare to them. I hate being looked at as lazy just because I have anxiety and depression. I don’t ever want someone to take pitty in me. That’s not what I want. I am strong in my own way. I strive slowly but I do it at my own pace. It may not be a big deal to the average person but it is to me. Like getting up or taking a shower. That’s Big to me. Trying to stay sane and in control is hard enough. Challenging my mind each day and trying to work out things up there in the ole noggin. I feel like I’ll never have the average relationship with people. It’ll always be broadened and enlightened with power. Maybe people are afraid of that or don’t get it. Idk. I tend to focus on more of my negative then my positive that’s a problem. Because it becomes annoying and unmanageable to people. People say things that I don’t see and I force it away every time. I argue and say theres better things out there than me. If only I could see myself talk.. but still it’s gotta be a downer to watch a person put themselves down and constantly compare themselves to the average dipswitch out there. I know I still need work in changing my thinking pattern which could take 10 years or two months. But I’m the type to take my time so I’m counting on the 10 year gap. It’s hard! It’s really flippin hard. To stay on track and remember how awesome I am and that I deserve more worth from myself. I have to love myself before I do anything else. I have to fight for my life in order to achieve greatness. It all starts with me. Which is the hardest thing for me to do because I tend to focus on others and my stupid flaws when all along I need to focus on me at all times. Ugh I hope it pays off all this mental change in the end. I need to hold my teddy bear tight and pray hard about all of this. I need to take time out of my day each day and focus positivity on myself. Even if that means writing it down. And saying it over and over and putting sticky notes all over my room and mirror. Just to remind myself. This has got to be the hardest thing I’ve ever done but I need to do this. Even if that means starting over and over and over (which I’m very good at) I need to keep going and striving for some kind of peace in my mind and in my life. And also stop hanging out with low life’s who bring me down and who don’t support me as a woman of god and of mental illness. I tend to use drinking in order to be more appealing and free and open but I only want to do it at home. I’m tired of going out to life less bars and watching people get wasted and have no goals. I deserve to be around better people. I’m just so over the crowded people and slurring gesturing words of seduction. The blackout melt downs and random conversations with that one guy. Pssshhh no thanks I’d rather stay home and take a bubble bath and drink my wine. I’m fine with that. I don’t need to put myself In those dirty regretful positions and not to mention DANGEROUS places.
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self.Anxiety
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How do I recover after an ungodly soul-crushing semester? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Anyone else drown in self pity when they are going through a bout of depression? I'm in depression and I know that about myself is a really bad habit. I normally will drown in self pity when I'm depressed. I know it accomplishes nothing and probably makes things worse if anything. But I still do it and I don't know why, part of me thinks I do it for validation of how I feel.
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self.bipolar
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Just beat a baseball bat into the ground for 30 minutes I don't know who the fuck else I would tell so there it is (as if I would ever tell an actual person anyways). Just got really fucking angry with myself for who I am and had to rage. The introspection gets too fucking painful. I put down the fucking ps3 controller, went out into the woods, and mercilessly beat an aluminum bat into the same spot in the soft ground for a little more than 30 minutes straight. I didn't speak. I wrecked a bunch of branches too. Just went the fuck off and symbolically (in my mind) beat the fuck out of my hypothetical self, who's knees I bashed in, and while he was down, I fucking forced him to lay his pathetic head down in that spot in the dirt that now resembles a tiny crater. I had to close my eyes with every swing. Just do it. Get the job done. Remove yourself from the act, doesn't matter how horrifying. It's not horrifying if you don't feel. Then when I was done? Emptiness. At least I shut down some of that blanket anxiety. Got too tired, came back up to the house. Dad saw me emerge from the treeline, but I saw him first and dropped the bat in the leaves before he could see exactly what I was making all that noise with. Refused to talk to him. Of course he just went on about his christmas decorations and I promptly ignored him. He's probably afraid of me to an extent. I know I would be. I don't care. I don't want a connection to him or anyone else anymore. In fact I'd rather be a mysterious character people fear, because then not only will they stop bothering me, but I'll be able to justify my misanthropic outlook in my mind.
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self.depression
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Taking care of another living thing makes me sick So I think I may have discovered a huge source of anxiety for me. The first time I noticed it was when my girlfriend of the time brought home a new puppy. Since I wasn't working, I was responsible for the care of the dog when she was out. I got super sick and could barely take care of myself.
I don't drink, but when I find myself in a situation where I have to take care of a drunk person, the same sickness comes along. Like physically ill/throwing up.
Just the thought of having to deal with another stresses me out. This has never been the case until about a year ago. I love animals and am naturally a people helper...but its become crippling.
The good news is I think I know, and will work on it. Thanks for listening!
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self.Anxiety
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Does anyone else constantly think about the fact that you’re BP and it makes you really depressed all the time because it’s always on your mind? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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Lost in my studies guys first time posting, hope it will be the last
I have reached a point where I seriously don't know what to do anymore. I'm now in the first year of a bachelor where I keep finding myself completely disoriented. I graduated high school two years ago after which I traveled around my country hoping to find the salvation for a persistent untreated anxiety disorder.
Having a kind of 'spiritual' mindset back then, I've always refused to address this sickness properly, so no doctors, no medication but drug usage and hoping for a sudden enlightment, a 'flipping of the switch' that would solve all my problems by letting me see the truth haha. The thing is this didn't happen and I was left wondering what would happen next. I then decided to go to college to study in a field I thought would interest me. Well it does but the amount of work required is gigantic and I'm having real issues to kind of go back to that studying mindset.
After being fed up of panics attacks during classes I finally decided to go see a doctor who prescribed me medication which has truly helped me a lot (plus there isn't much side effects so it's nice, thinking back at it, life could have been much easier and taken a whole different turn if I decided to do that earlier).
The actual problem is that I chose a field that requires an enormous amount of work. Some of my freshly high school graduated classmates are having a hard time aswell, but they are giving themselves to it. I get most of what we do but I can't get myself to study, I keep getting distracted by the most random things. It's like there's a true unwillingness coming deeply from my being that prevents me from working. Like my never ending lazyness takes most of my actual capacities when I have plenty of time and leaves me in panicked state when papers are due.
And the worst thing is that I sometimes really feel that I'm becoming simple minded, not being able to study properly.
Changing field would mean another year lost and another disapointment in the eyes of my relatives so I can't really do that ..
Do you guys have any tips for fighting that procrastination demon that lurks around and manifests itself at any given oppotunity ? I could really need some solid advice to tell him to fuck off.
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self.offmychest
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Facebook activity when manic I was very violent in my last episode as I usually am when manic. But what really embarrasses me is what I did on Facebook. I would write lots of statuses with "word salads" at a fast pace. I probably wrote 5 statuses aday and random pics and messaging people weird things. I remember creating a random group chat and telling one girl she was going to get gangbanged which I thought was hilarious at the time. But I would write lots of weird crazy things that didn't make a lot of sense. Hard to explain without giving any specific examples but I can't think on the top of my head what I said. I'd be embarrassed to even share here tbh. I find it hard to relate to other people with bipolar. At least most people are semi normal when manic. I just become a weird person. I don't get any classic symptoms except lack of sleep and spending a lot of money. I don't get hallucinations and don't get particularly paranoid but I do talk a lot of shit. I made a jihadi John Facebook page when I was manic and invited everyone on my Facebook to join it was meant to be a parody page but creeped a lot of people out I think. Obviously I wouldn't have done it if I was in a normal mental state. I just had the urge to write a status every minute without anything to say it was like. Just random words on a page. I also tried to buy a car but because of my behaviour in the store the salesman wouldn't let it happen because he could tell something was up. When he told me over the phone I abused him horrendously.
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self.bipolar
|
Bipolar artists, how do you stay inspired? I've been having this problem for what feels like my entire life. I'm an artist and I was diagnosed with type 1 bipolar last spring after experiencing my first full-blown (& medication-induced) manic/mixed episode. During this episode, I kept starting up new projects: a comic, a novel, ambitious and rigorous painting schedules - however, I ditched all of these within about a month when the mania ebbed.
My problem is, even with my medication (which really feels like it is working properly - I'm on Zyprexa, Zoloft, and Depakote, and the only problem with my regime as far as I know is weight gain so I'm going to be switching from Zyprexa to Geodon soon), I keep getting these bursts of creative energy. I can't write without them, because of my disorganized thinking and prevalent lack of motivation. The problem is these bursts only last a few days at most lately, and since I'm 20 and at a point where I really need to start solidifying my career choices, I really need to find a way to keep up my motivation.
Has anyone here dealt with this problem before? Have you found a way to manage it? Thanks in advance.
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self.bipolar
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I’m taking My dog to be put down today How do I deal with this. Nothing feels real. I’ve never had to experience loss before today
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self.offmychest
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Do you ever just write a lengthy text about something that happened to you just to delete it at the end because nobody cares? Deep down I knew it would happen but I tried being positive for once and got my hopes up, never again.
I thought it would really hurt, but I feel nothing, just numbness.
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self.depression
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How is everything in the past so nice? The future offers nothing. That is all.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I´m not strong enough M,33, non English speaker, so sorry in advance for my language (and my self-pity) I dont really know if my wall of text fits here, but I didnt find another place for it.
I´m a person that can´t let go of past hurts. I´m just not strong enough. I never fit. I never really understood people, never really could connect to them, was always the big, pathetic guy with the bad clothing and awkward mannerisms, searching for validation.
I have a deathwish since I was 12. Not active suicidal, I could never do that to my family, I just know that I would be better off dead. The knowledge, that every pain, every demand, all the fear and hurt would vanish, that I wouldn’t have to be afraid of being happy (because I know that at the end of happiness always waits pain) accompanies me nearly as long as I can think. This led me to a pretty self-destructive lifestyle (alcohol, smoking, some drugs (gotta keep working, can`t disappoint the people around you more than you already do, can you) overeating, etc. and to the according health problems (130 kg, high blood pressure, lung problems, knee-problems etc)
I had 3 relationships in my youth, but nothing really stable, longest was 6 months. When I was 22 I met A., a wonderful woman, who dumped me after 4 1/2 Years of relationship because she didn´t love me anymore. It hurt like hell. I never really recovered, shut me in with my pain and my role as victim. I´ve been single for 6 years, actually managed to convince myself, that I´m better off alone, that relationships and caring for another person just leads to pain and unnecessary suffering. I proceeded to push every woman away who presented an emotional danger to me. It got worse and worse over the years, so that I wasn´t able to get involved with new people at all, regardless of gender or attraction.
I also had some traumatic long-term experience in my job (pissed off the wrong politicians, who wanted me fired and gone from the town and put public pressure on me and my employer. This went on for 2 years (and I felt helpless and alone the whole time), led me to leave my hometown for a big city and left me with some mayor anxiety issues. Since then I´m also pretty much burned out but still able to pretend enough to do my job. I never really arrived in the new city, I always ran away from my hometown.
Last December I met C. I kinda knew her from my youth and when I needed a new flatshare and she had a free room at hers, I moved in. She completely undermined all my built up defenses. Going to a concert together, I felt something for her and immediately got super sad and aggressive (against myself, not her) and went home – my normal reaction to emotionally charged situations. The next day, she was still there because we fucking lived together. We talked for hours and went on dates which at that time I could rationalize as “drinking with my flatmate”.
In april we had (drunken) Sex, in may we officially had a relationship, in august we met our respective parents (she insisted), in September we went on vacation together and in november she dumped me because she “is just not in love with me and never was”. Well, I am/was. Hurts like hell – again. I now have to fight through all the bitterness, the wrong hopes, the pain of having my heart ripped out again. The endless talking with myself, the whole hate-and despair-filled conversations in my head. The feeling of being just not enough for the other person, of being not worthy of love and affection. Tomorrow I move out of the flatshare and hope to get some break for my heart.
The thing is, when I look back at how happy I was in that relationship and how much changed for me in this half year, I just started to realize what I have done to myself in the 6 years I was single, what bitter loser I became. I never wanna be that person again, I want a place to call home and someone who loves me. So I started eating less, drinking less alcohol, going to the gym and made a list of mental and emotional issues I wanna tackle as long as my mind is malleable because It´s restructuring (being in withdrawal from love and security)
But I don´t know how to handle it all. I´m a hurting, lonely guy who only gets a grip on himself when he gets validation in a relationship. I hate myself for my weakness and self-pity but find no way out of it.
I try to work on my anxiety and get panic, stomachcramps and breathing problems just writing about it. I try to cope with the loss of love and all that’s in my head is “maybe she´ll come back.” I wanna do sports, but all I managed is to get a fucking Bronchitis and having to take antibiotics for 2 weeks so no sport for me. I try to be outgoing, to force me to meet new people but instead I stay at home, don’t even meet the few friends I have, binging reddit, watching porn and browsing craigslist without ever writing people.
So I guess it´s back to the familiar behaviors, to being alone and saying with a smile: It´s OK, I don´t need anybody.
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self.offmychest
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i know i cant wait any longer if i dont kill myself now my life will just get worse and worse , i really hope i can just kill myself already i dont want to continue suffering this much all the time
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self.SuicideWatch
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Another step (maybe the last) I'm currently at my mom's house. I paid 66$ for like 3 days in my hometown but well.. life is expensive nowadays.
I bought her expensive necklace and wrote a letter about my state. I've put in it what I'm going through and the day I'll cut too deeply, she will know why at least.
I know that she still hasn't read so I am SCARED. I'm so scared that I'm going to SLEEP RIGHT NOW. I want to avoid any confrontation tonight.
*Pray for my life*
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self.depression
|
I don't know what to do. I just want to shoot myself. My grandpa has a gun. I just want out of here
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self.SuicideWatch
|
One moment I was having the most happy fantasies of the next Christmas and the next moment all went dark. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Found Suicide Note So today I was cleaning my boyfriends room when I came across a letter with my name on it , when I began reading I realized it was a suicide letter and couldn’t read much of it before I broke down in tears he came back in to the room to find me crying and the letter beside me , he then went on to assure me that he wouldn’t take his own life that he does just have some bad days which I already know about as he took a lot of tablets 2 months ago and I ended up in hospital with him , he refuses to get help and he try’s his hardest to put a happy front of and try’s to make me happy even tough I am , I’m only with him 6 months but I was friends with him before , the night he took all the tablets the hospital let him walk out and he won’t listen to me , I feel like I always upset him and I’m afraid he’s going to do something to himself what will I do ?
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self.SuicideWatch
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There’s No Reason to, But I Wish I Had One [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'd never thought that I'd suffer from depression but, hey here I am. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
School sucks Being there makes my depression even worse. I'm always so stressed out. I go back tomorrow.
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self.depression
|
You ruined me. I trusted you. The promises that we shared, the dreams we had, the life I have that I offered to you. You always asked me to never leave you but you're the one who left. You were sick because you were the only one suffering right? I was suffering too you know, I was already in a low place yet we talked and you gave me direction to start over again. But you left. But it's ok right? I can handle the pain right? I know life just isn't fair, you're out there with your new love while I'm here even worse than before. I was already in a low place before but now I have to pick up the pieces while breaking at the same time.
I am in hell.
I'm so tired of being hurt and abandoned. I just want to die right now.
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self.depression
|
It takes me too long for my feeble brain to write anything worth replying to, so I just give up in frustration [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Am I Depressed? Hey, I'm writing this on my phone so there might be some grammatical or spelling errors. I've been dealing with a ton of conflicting feelings and thoughts since last Thursday, and I can't really tell if this is depression or not. For some background, I'm a 15 year old guy, almost 16, and I recently moved from London away from all of my friends. I have a great family, live in an amazing house with everything I need, and i have A's or B's in all of my classes. When I moved from London, it was pretty tough for the first few weeks, but after roughly a month I felt like I was moving on and adapting. But out of nowhere, around Thursday of last week, I started feeling incredibly depressed out of nowhere.
I felt hopeless, tired, frustrated, and incredibly sad for what seemed like no reason, along with my self-esteem taking a sudden drop which it still hadn't recovered from. I even felt moderately suicidal, though those feelings have calmed down since then. My hygiene is starting to go down the shitter despite attempts to fix it, and I've had trouble falling asleep without sleeping pills, a problem I never had before. I've also started feeling increasingly numb to the world, though school seems to help in this regard. I also haven't fenced, gone to the gym or played some of my favorite video games since Thursday, as I feel no motivation to do any of these things. The severity of these issues fluctuates throughout the day, ranging from wondering what the quickest way to kill myself is to feeling completely fine and wondering if anything is actually wrong, and I've even felt both of these extremes in the space of a day. A constant has been that I have gone to bed depressed and angry at myself everyday since last Thursday, and sadness / depression has been a constant raincloud over me, even if I'm not feeling the effects at that moment.
I've already told my parents and my close friends from London about this, and I'm planning on talking to a professional as well.
Thanks in advance.
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self.depression
|
Nothing feels real Everything feels like I’m seeing it happening to myself but I don’t feel line me, it feels like I’m watching a bad movie and everything is grey. I’m watching myself from the outside. How do I fix it
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How do you guys quit jobs? Hey guys so i might have a better job oppertunity (not sure yet) and i was wondering how you guys quit jobs? I know about the whole two weeks thing but im not sure if i have the courage to do it. My recuriter is an insanlet nice and cool guy and i feel like ill hear dissapointment in his voice (which is my biggest worry). So how do you guys build up the strength to do so?
|
self.Anxiety
|
I've been feeling anxiety again this holiday season for the first time in years I suffered terribly with GAD and health anxiety during my teens. I was on medication to assist with it (that's how bad it was!). As I grew older it pretty much vanished.
Well this holiday season it's come back. I've been feeling terrible and it's left me feeling pretty depressed. During the week before Christmas something set off my health anxiety and I worried myself sick for days. The fact that I haven't been feeling 100% has not helped.
I felt icky after a meal the other night which exacerbated my worries. I managed to eat just fine the next few days. But then we got to Christmas day.
I made the dinner, we all ate it. Everyone felt fine. But I came down with a really bad upset stomach shortly after eating. I was sick once and have had a bad stomach ever since. I feel so down and blue, and eating makes it worse. My jaw feels a bit tight and that's worrying me too.
All day I've been trying to get a grip on things. Asking myself why am I suddenly worrying again?
I feel so blue. Just wanted to vent somewhere. I'm slowly convincing myself it's nothing serious. Hoping I feel better soon :(
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm a piece of heaping shit I'm a piece of shit, I'm truly a heaping piece of shit. i wish I was strong enough to end my fucking life but I'm not. Im fucking pathetic. There are people who try to make me happy and I'm still like this, I'm a piece of shit. I can't even fucking help myself. Someone told me that I actually have to want to help myself so I can help myself, So i guess I dont want to. Fucking kill me please I'm so done and so tired and I fuck up everything that's good in my life. I'm a piece of shit
|
self.depression
|
17 y/o girl & suicidal, need to vent I'm not really sure why I'm posting on here. I just don't know what to do. I'm a 17 year old girl, I don't have friends, I'm ugly, have a shit family, and I'm probably not getting into uni. I've tried talking to a teacher at school about feeling down but they didn't care - I don't think anyone does.
Everything that makes me feel crap is so trivial and I feel stupid for feeling suicidal because I've not gone through cancer, homelessness, loss etc. and I'm just a teenager. But I don't see this getting better.
I've researched suicide a lot and although the possibility of failing scares me, I don't think I have much choice. I don't want to carry on living like this.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm a failure I'm a failure. I've failed multiple times in school. Re-done years. I'm barely able to organize everything. I have a few friends, but none of them are down to hang out with me. I try to find new friends, but nobody seems interested. Everybody has their own squad or group. Everyone posts on Snapchat. Every single person has plans for new year's eve, nobody wants to invite me. Nobody asks me if I want to join them. I get asked if I can help with something for the party instead. But not if I want to be a part of it. Life feels like every single person knows how to achieve things, how to find friends and how to stay in touch with people, except me. Why.
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self.offmychest
|
A step in the right direction I didn't have the urge to kill myself today when I was overwhelmed at work. Although I did just spend hours learning how to play a card game, spending too much money buying cards and joining Facebook groups for a game I've never had a desire to play.
|
self.bipolar
|
Lexapro 16 days in Hey everyone. Today I’m 16 days in on 5mg on esitalopram. This is my first anti depressant. So I feel as if I’m still having side effects. And just want to make sure it’s normal. I’ve had a few days where I feel pretty good but I still get morning anxiety and night time anxiety. Like right now, I woke up from a nap about a hour ago and I just feel weird. Like spaced out. I had pretty bad thoughts this morning when I woke up. I was able to brush them off but they were really negative. I just want to feel better. I know 5mg isn’t a lot. My doctor said if I feel comfortable moving to 10mg than I could to get the therapeutic dose. So is side effects still normal at 16 days in? Did anyone start to feel better soon??
|
self.Anxiety
|
just sad all the time i dont want to live, but i dont necessarily want to die. i have no urge to do anything but also dont want to not be doing anything. want to be with friends and socialize but at every single sexond of it just think about how they r going to leave at the end of it. want to have a purpose but i dont even know where to begin searching. waking up in the morning and just waiting for the night to come.
im sad and lonely and even when im with people and have all their attention its still gnawing at the back of my head. feel like everything im doing is a mistake. want to go to a doctor for help but i dont want to go alone. never been clinically diagnosed but scared to make it a real thing.
|
self.depression
|
Don't know how to help my nephew My nephew (11) has ADHD and tons of family issues - his parents are split, they're both selfish assholes, etc. Today in the car he divulged to me that he wants to kill himself and has plans. I (24) was diagnosed bipolar when I was his age and have tried to kill myself several times (well medicated now!), so I totally understand where he's coming from. I told him as much but also assured him that I know he must be in great pain. Instead of talking about it further, he told me there's no possible way I understand him and insisted that he's "much crazier than [I'll] ever be". I told him he should talk to someone else about it, then, and he responded that therapy is stupid and I'm stupid for suggesting it.
Is there anything I can do to help him? Seems like he just wants to spit in my face, but doing nothing doesn't seem like an option.
Thanks in advance.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Severe depression Hey all. Please send me message if you have gotten through depression. I could use some encouragement right now.
|
self.depression
|
I'm sick of this. Being off sick leave yesterday it wasn't actually that bad at my job. I'd actually managed to get through yesterday with no hiccups. Yesterday was a good day.
Today however I start my shift and it quickly goes down hill.
Nothing was going right for me. No one did their paper work right. I've been on the verge of tears and shaking all day.
I'm heading home 3 hours early today because I can't cope. I can't even do 2 full shifts
Fuck sake
|
self.Anxiety
|
How to get insurance? I'm not really looking for medication help as listed on the sidebar but insurance altogether.
I've been looking through plans and they charge 100$ a doctors visit and I don't know how I can afford that if I go at least once a month, on top of taking like 5 different medications.
I'm just lost.
I'm in california and I have low income obviously.
|
self.bipolar
|
I will never be loved by a boy I am an amazingly talented person, have a sensitive, sweet personality, a good sense of humor, and am witty and intelligent.
I am also skinny, shy, and, most of all, unattractive. Thanks, life.
|
self.offmychest
|
Sometimes, the worst part of depression is the guilt As I write this post, I'm sitting in a warm house, watching the Yule log on a flat screen TV, waiting to eat a delicious meal surrounded by family who love me.
I've never had to face the death of anyone I was close to. I have no major medical issues. My parents support me in everything, I've never been bullied, I have friends I talk to every day. I'm an intelligent guy with a decent education, I could do anything if I put my mind to it.
And yet, in spite of all of that, here I sit. Sunk into a bottomless pit of despair. Struggling to see anything but misery in my future. Why? What for? Because I'm single and girls don't think I'm sexy? THAT'S the worst thing in my life?
That's fucking pathetic! What the hell is wrong with me!? I've met people who watched their children die in their arms, but fight on to live with their grief and be happy again. But here I am with every reason to be happy, trying not to cry in front of everyone.
I have no right to feel this hopeless... So why do I...
|
self.depression
|
Latuda and Lamictal I was prescribed both of these today for my bipolar 1 episodes and Cptsd. Has anyone been on this combo and did it help?
|
self.bipolar
|
I wish I had no conscience and could scam people to make a better living [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
Stupid situational depression, trying to pull myself out, it feels kinda hopeless, no way out (tw) I'm really having a lot of trouble leaving the house.
|
self.bipolar
|
Dear BFF - I guess I can't tell you who to date [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm deeply depressed during the day but fine at night, are some of you also feeling that way ? [deleted]
|
self.bipolar
|
I got into a car accident. It's been 1 month since i got my driver license. since I don't have a car I borrow my parents car when I need it. it took some time for them to trust me with their car since I'm a very new driver.
I've borrowed the car numerous times without any problems, but today, i got into a car accident when I was on my way home after driving 2 hours without any issues. I didn't see the car coming from my right, and when i hit the brake it was too late. i'm the one at fault, %100. but the damage was very minimal. no one was hurt, just some minor damages on both cars.
i just can't get my self to accept the fact that I've shattered the trust which was so hard to gain. my parents didn't make a big deal out of it, but I'm pretty sure they won't let me borrow their car anytime soon. I don't know if I'll ever have the courage to drive again, and can't stop reliving the accident in my head. i haven't been able to sleep yet, because every time i close my eyes i relive the accident, and will probably call in sick for work tomorrow since I'm in no condition to work.
just wanted to get it off my chest, reddit.
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self.offmychest
|
Just too much pressure, I am not made for adult life, I guess it has to happen before 2018 Ive talked to my mum several times that I am not able to plan for my future without feeling hopeless. I JUST CANT THINK MYSELF INTO AN ADULT NOR PICTURE MYSELF INTO THE FUTURE!
I recovered from DPDR symptoms this year. But, seriously guys, you cant tell me that you will ever be the same again. The mind is just much more vulnerable after this experience. You just will never know again how reality felt like before DPDR.
To me now:
I tried to re engage with life, joined a band, went out etc., but I noticed when those feelings are gone, I feel somehow uncertain.
Let me explain: My main concern which already transformed into one huge belief is that I think I should've died a few months ago. It is incredibly hard to shake these feelings off. They became a part of me.
But whenever I am distracted and away from my triggers and not focusing on this belief, I am relatively fine. But as the time goes on, I notice that I CONSCIOUSLY go in this bad neighbourhood in my head and search for the bad thinking patterns again, because I think they define me in some strange way. The feelings feel like they are part of my personality and like connected to my existence, that is the reason I have so many difficulties letting these damn thoughts go. So it is not like anxiety that you are 100% sure that you want to get over these thoughts, this time they are much more powerful, darker and it feels like I CANT AND DONT WANT TO GET OVER THEM.
Everytime these feelings hit, I feel like I shouldnt be experience this very moment anymore. I have an appointment with a therapist on 15th of January.
The thought that "what if I had already acted on these thoughts and maybe that would have been the right decision" is a really big concern for me... I have paranoia of the time and the date, and it JUST FEELS LIKE I SHOULDNT EXPERIENCE THIS MONTH, GUESS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I THINK ABOUT 2018! I FEEL FUCKING HOPELESS BECAUSE MY MIND DECIDED TO GO INVOLUNTARILY SUCIDAL!
Other seriously draining feelings and thoughts are: what if you had already died, why are you here etc...THOSE ARE OCD THOUGHTS.
So I think those feelings prove that I might be psychotic because I dont react with anxiety to them but with hopelessness because I automatically believe them. I feel like overall not safe wherever I am.
When the mind doesnt function properly, there is like a huge uncertainty whenever and wherever. And the mind is the only thing which decides if you have peace in your life or not. If the mind doesnt function, there will be no peace.
Now, I realize even more that happiness only comes from within and not from material things.
Anyways, just needed to vent...
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
If I killed myself nobody would notice for at least a week [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
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