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I spend all my time researching suicide methods I'm unemployed and I refuse to work a job that will amplify my depression.
I don't want to work for Walmart, although I'm being pressured by family to take any job so that I don't become a leech on my brother, who would be covering next month's rent.
But I can't live with this shame...But perhaps the people who didn't believe in me might be able to.
I'm tired of running around, doing things for the best interest of others. I'm tired of listening to the advice of others, taking it, and realizing it was never what **I** wanted at all!
And so I instead use my researching abilities, you know, the things I'm good at, to find the most effective way of completely obliterating any form of consciousness this person called myself ever possessed. People will hate me, probably, but I can't feel hate on the other side. I don't have to feel anything. Not anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Killing myself this sunday Any things you guys can suggest me to do? Any advice?
Edit: Thank you all for trying to help. I might sound like an attention whore but im going to do it soon, and i have a feeling it will work this time. Goodbye and good luck to you all
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Is there a VPN-equivalent for mobile phone numbers? Hello there,
Last year and the years before, I had been on the Internet exposed. My IP address had been everywhere on the Internet including IRC channels and other ports and websites.
For as long as I can remember, I absolutely hate, hate, hate my country. I simply just get really stressed thinking about it. When people try to be friendly and localize (l10n) with me by asking me questions about "my" country or try to speak the language, I get absolutely offended, but 99.999% of the time I am able to hide that turmoil. Of course, I speak English and I speak it much better than I speak "my supposedly-native" language because I hate that language.
So, l10n has offended me inside and I get depressed. When I had my IP exposed and went to other websites and they l10n with me (i.e. automatically assume content and language that "my" country speaks), I don't like it. It's not because the content is offensive; most people in "my" country like it, but it's just that I don't give a fuck. I don't like to be reminded of my existence in this hellhole. It'd been driving me crazy for a very long time, hence my depression and suicidality.
Then, I finally begged my mum to rent a VPN for me. She approved and now I have a VPN. I do know that VPNs are good for privacy-protection, but I am using it primarily because I do not want anyone, anything, or any website to know where I am from, get excited about it, change languages with me, and stuff. Finally, now that I have a VPN, those entities stop l10ning with me and give everything to me in English. My depression has gotten a bit better in a sense as I can forget the person I am and stop having those voices inside my head. So, that's how a VPN literally saved my life.
Again, the point of me having a VPN is not because I want privacy. I could tell the actual country in which I'm living if it is so necessary. However, it's because I don't want to be reminded of my bad life by l10n.
Now, the same story doesn't really apply to mobile phone numbers. I wish I could give away my phone number, but its international extension is revealing. Is there a similar "VPN-"like service for mobile phone numbers that just makes me appear in another "better" country? I don't want to be a victim of forced l10n again.
Next up, though, I want to get a similar VPN-like service for my face and gender. Those are absolutely disgusting, but I daresay it's a challenge!
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self.offmychest
|
My[22] girlfriend[22]is under severe depression and becomes suicidal sometimes (even tried it a few times). [deleted]
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self.depression
|
My recent post and comment history are a good example of what my hypomanic episodes look like Except this time, I'm doing it on Reddit instead of at parties or on Facebook, so IDGAF
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self.bipolar
|
How much longer. I am too tired. Sleep is no longer rest. Life is wearing me down. I'm so young but feel like I have lived many worlds of pain and sufferring. I don't want to keep on going :(....
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self.SuicideWatch
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It's amazing how one simple action can fuck you up so bad [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Manic? I don't know. So guys I'm feeling pretty good. And by that I mean my life is falling apart. I only got paid $6 so that means I can't pay any of my bills or buy food or anything, I decided to drop all my classes for the upcoming semester because I need to focus on my 2 jobs instead. I want to bang my hea against the wall and cry some more. Goodnight!
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self.bipolar
|
help This is the only place I feel I can go to, even if this is one of the first times I've ever gone on reddit. I only have 3 friends who actually care about me. Everyone uses me. I have a good amount of friends, but they mainly use me as a walking talking online therapist. I then go to ask them for help, and poof. They're gone. It's magic. I have gone 15 years of my life suffering from clinical depression and chronic anxiety, hiding it from everyone. It came loose recently and no one has really helped. I'm in therapy, that does jack shit but raise up my anxiety, thinking about how I have to talk about what makes me nervous. I've started cutting recently. It;s so much worse than before.
I know this'll go no where, but this is kind of my last resort.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I do too much for guys then feel resentful when they don't reciprocate [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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What is the weirdest/most embarrassing thing youve done because of anxiety? Please? So, my anxiety is occasionally totally random and over nothing. But the thing that consistently gets me super anxious is when someone ignores my texts/emails/etc. As soon as I feel like they should have responded to me I start thinking that they are ignoring me because they hate me, that I'm irritating, that everyone hates me...etc. As a result, I tend to freak out and send repeat texts (2-5) and emails (sometimes like 4 or 5) that range from trying to make a joke, to apologizing, to practically begging for a response. This is pathetic and embarrassing. I just had a bout of this last night...and I cant stop thinking about it. Can anyone here maybe make me feel a bit better by telling me the worst tendency or most embarrassing thing youve done because of your anxiety? Or at least tell me that this isnt so bad? **edit** thank you everyone for the responses. This community is amazing and I really appreciate it.
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self.Anxiety
|
Is it common for native english speakers to encounter nonnatives online? Like on reddit, I sometimes feel insecure and sorry about my awkward to non-native English whenever I post an article thinking that even if I wrote very carefully there must be somewhat unnatural parts here and there since I'm not a native English speaker and I'm worried that people might be disturbed because of that. As a persom whose language is not universally used, I have never seen a non native article written in our own language so I'm not sure how disturbing it might be, how common it is and how much familiar you guys are with it.
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self.Anxiety
|
Question on Loss of Appetite I was hoping to get some advice when it came to eating meals.
Anytime I sit down to eat a meal, no matter how hungry I am, I'll never finish it. I get a sort of uncomfortable fullness then give up only to be starving an hour later again.
I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this and if so is there any advice. It's getting on my nerves a bit since I'm already a bit underweight.
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self.Anxiety
|
They say things will get better, but what if they never do?What if they get worse? I'm tired of trying, tired of living. Tired of being unappreciated and unsuccessful.
Probably going to fail out of college and I should be graduating next semester. Didn't get invited back to TA the class I was a TA for this semester even though literally every single student there had told me how much they appreciated and how I had helped them pass. Professor picked someone out of favoritism instead and had told me I could be the second UTA, but then told me last second that she was getting rid of me for a graduate student TA instead.
I won't be able to afford school or rent without this job and the prof knows it. Fuck her. She never appreciated my work, but at least the students did.
Even when I succeed, I fail; even when I think I might finally be getting better, I'm actually getting worse.
I want to end it all. Too bad I wasn't successful my first three attempts.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I need someone I trust, but nobody wants to be around. I can feel myself slipping deeply into an episode. I'm always depressed and have come to terms with it.. I'm pretty good at coping day to day. But I feel a BAD episode coming on.
I dont want to go through this.. I need help snapping out of it but I don't know where to start. I believe this started because lately the people around me have been treating my like garbage or are super cold with me. Theres really nobody I can trust that i can talk to irl about this. I'm usually shrugged off, or people make it about themselves.
Any tips on preventing a full on episode/nervous breakdown? Or am I just going to have to go through the motions 😧 Most of the time I can deal with being depressed, but times like these make me feel like living this quality of life isnt worth it.
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self.depression
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No one will miss me I’m going to be one of those people who kills themselves and doesn’t get found for a week. I’ve never mattered to anyone. No one thinks of me or cares about me. The only person who will be affected by my death is me, and I’ll just be free of my suffering. I was planning on waiting until I can buy a gun, but I’m feeling so awful that I’m willing to try any method now. I just need to die and end this suffering.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Pulling myself back from the brink My prior posts on here have detailed how alone I've felt, and how I'm struggling to heal my heart and just overall trying to find meaning in this existence of mine. There was a bit of an upswing as I started chatting and hanging out with this girl. We connected, she actually convinced me to talk about what was bothering me and she actually helped me heal a bit. And then suddenly, it's like she dropped off the face of the earth, refusing to talk to me or meet with me.
I dropped lower than I have in a while. Every single inadequacy, every single dark thought returned with a vengeance whispering the same thing over and over: I'm alone, unworthy, and everyone leaves.
I actually tried killing myself the other night. Last night I was going to try again, and I started writing my goodbye letter. That letter stopped me from doing it again, if only because it forced me to see that there are people who do care, even if there's a grand majority of people in my life who just seem to ignore my blatant cries for help.
Then today it started snowing. I don't know what it is about snow, but it just seems so magical, so pure. I was at work, it was dead, so I just walked outside and just stood there, letting it swirl around me, and somehow I felt lighter than I had in days. I haven't had any suicidal thoughts tonight. Yes, I can sense it lurking there in the shadows, especially with tomorrow being my ex's and I's anniversary (it will be the first one since she left me this past summer), but even if it's only for one night, I'll enjoy this relative peace of mind.
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self.depression
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What do you try to think about when you get an intrusive thought to try to counteract it I’ve been struggling to find a happy place lately. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
I think my roommate is scared of me and I feel terrible. Content Warning: Suicidal ideation, self harm, anger, anxiety.
This last week has been super tough. I don't know if it's my bipolar or what, but I've been skipping all my classes and hid out in my room for days. I think all the unbearable anxiety from school finally broke something in me and I just gave up for the most part. I've been shoving everything to the side and telling myself I don't care, but I've also been self harming and having suicidal ideation. I've never felt like this before. I've been suicidal before. It's this denial and I guess self delusion that I don't care that's new. I've been super on edge and all my emotions are very close to the surface.
Anyway, I've had consistent problems with one of my roommates making a ton of unnecessary noise right outside my room very early in the morning. My room is right off the kitchen and the washer and dryer are also right next to my door and bang against my wall during certain cycles.
The first couple times she woke me up doing the dishes and running the washer at 7am she was apologetic, but now she just gets very defensive and angry whenever I ask her to please not do the dishes, cook her meals for the week, and do her laundry all at once while I'm trying to sleep in the morning. Like, yelled at me that she's being as quiet as she can when I've confronted her one morning after waking up. It feels awful. I've asked her so many times. Politely. My other roommate manages to be respectful when they get up early. It's so frustrating. She argues with me about what it is that's waking me up. She argues about how early is too early.
Saturday morning I got woken up at 8:30 am by her starting the washer. I had not slept well. This set off something in me that made me so fucking angry. Like slamming doors, pacing, writing too aggressive messy notes to tape to the dryer (I took them down before she saw them), almost knocking on her door, and hitting myself in the head from all the frustration. It was completely irrational and out of proportion. I calmed down a fair amount by venting to some friends over text, but when I heard her come back to start the dryer I opened my door to ask her to please wait until I can get some rest. I wasn't really very angry at that point. More exhausted and at my wit's end. Then she responded in her passive aggressive defensive way by saying "But how else will I get my clothes? It's not that early, it's 9am." The anger had turned into a sort of hysterical anxiety at this point. I was shaking. I pointed out that she started at 8:30am. She finally noticed that something wasn't right with me and asked if I was ok. I said NO I'M NOT OK in a sort of high pitched panic-y yell and pretty much begged her not to run the drier right now. She didn't run the drier.
I apologized via text, and she expressed concern and asked if she could do anything. But now I think she's avoiding me. I saw her in person for the first time since that morning today in a class we have together and she didn't acknowledge me at all. We had always chatted in class and would always walk towards our next classes together, but today she got all her stuff together and left as soon as possible without looking at me. I feel like shit. I just want to bang my head against a wall and punish myself for being so fucking crazy and scary. I don't want to be angry. I've never hurt anyone and I never ever want to. I just get these rages. I hate it. It makes me feel so ashamed.
I don't know, I just wanted to vent and maybe talk to someone who gets it. I think I'd also like your opinions on her behavior. Is her avoiding me a normal reaction? What's going on? Thank you.
Tldr; I've repeatedly politely asked my roommate to be more considerate when making noise early in the mornings, but her responses get more and more passive aggressive every time and it keeps happening. I've been having a very bad week mental health wise and this time I hysterically snapped at her for waking me up at 8:30am on Saturday by running the washer that's right next to my door. She expressed concern via text when I apologized, but now she won't acknowledge my presence in person. And I feel like shit.
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self.bipolar
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Well this is it. Tonight at exactly midnight I will shoot myself with a double barrel shotgun.
Private message me if you want my credit card details I have a few hundred dollars on there, anyway guys it’s been fun, cya.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Ieaving the world I have left my daughter and partner tonight and want to leave this life. I cant do it anymore. I am a bad person and have no joy and bring no joy to anyone. I would be better off dead. I keep thinking my oh is abusing my daughter, i feel that he always puts me down and now ny daughter is doing it too. I am purposeless and have no balanced view of any of it. It feels like torture and ive had enough.
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self.offmychest
|
27, working student, living with my father.. I'm miserable (tl;dr:) Firstly, I want to say that I feel like a real piece of shit for even feeling this way. I just can't shake this feeling and I need to get it out on paper.
I'm a 27 year old man. I'm a full-time student at a local community college, studying engineering and I'm about a year or so away from transferring to university. This is one of the primary reason I'm living at home.
I also work part-time, but I don't work a typical "college job". I work as an advisor at a credit union. I handle accounts ranging from regular consumer accounts (checking/saving) to small business, IRA's, and many different kinds of loans. The job can be fairly stressful at times, and can be mentally exhausting.
I've lived with my father, who is single, for about 2 years, and I'm pretty damn well over it. I dislike being at home, I actually spend extra time at coffee shops studying just so I don't have to be there. I feel very lonely at home and it seems like I'm basically watching my Dad spiral into a very sad sort of existence, and it freaks me out because I'm scared that this is what's in store for me later in life...
I used to look up to my Dad. He always seemed like a smart and motivated guy who worked hard and got things done. Now, he's the opposite of that, and it seems to be getting worse. Firstly, the house has been in this constant state of "renovation". He's always doing a ton of work in a room, redoing floors, ceiling, windows... everything. The problem is, he will start a project, and work on it in very tiny chunks at a time, and those chucks are few and far in-between. Because of this, we have furniture scattered about the house and everything is cluttered as all hell (currently, the living room is incomplete and empty and he recently cleared out the entire pantry, ALL of our food has been sitting on the kitchen counter for two weeks now). We don't have any sort of holiday decorations or anything, just feels like normal.
Adding to this, he doesn't have a job and hasn't worked or looked for work in well over a year. He spends a great bulk of his time watching Netflix, or talking on the phone (I'm talking several hours worth of phone conversation PER DAY). No idea who the hell is talking with him this much, but he easily spends way more time on the phone than anyone I know. My sister recently informed me that he's been in contact with a 20-year old Russian single-mother who has liver failure, this is one of the people he talks on the phone with. What worries me, is that this girl has never been around, I'm not even sure she lives in the same state. What's even weirder is that he's been talking with this girl for quite some time, but he's never once mentioned it. I have found notecards around the house with Russian phrases written on them with their English translations, most of them are pretty basic, but I recently found one that translated to "I love you".
Last thing, my Dad barely talks to me, never asks about school or anything like that. The one thing he ALWAYS talks about, is food. He will always mention his thoughts about food he made, or his opinion on some food he had, or his reasoning behind why he bought something at the grocery store. I don't even think he realizes it, but if I'm honest, I don't particularly enjoy these conversations.
To conclude my rant, I'll say that I understand how lucky I am to have this safety net. I pay low rent, and I have access to everything I need in terms of food and utilities and the like. But I'm so miserable, I really dislike being at home. I feel like I'm reacting like an entitled teenager about this, but I just can't shake it. I'm lonely as hell, my dating life in non-existent, I really don't like the living space my Dad maintains, and it's really difficult watching my Dad float through life this way. To make matters worse, my mom is depressed with her living situation (she takes care of my disabled step-dad (stoke victim), and my mentally disabled half-sister)
I guess, I see both of my parents and the situations they seem trapped in, and it's terrifying for me. I just want to get away, I just want to be somewhere else. I can't wait to finally transfer to Uni just so I can move out.
I've found myself very envious of my friends and their families. Their houses feel warm and inviting, they have Christmas décor everywhere and everyone seems so damn cheerful. No one in my family has even contacted me about plans for the holiday.
I know this was long, and there a lot more than what I've said here. I know I sound like a piece of shit but I needed an outlet.
Thanks for reading.
tl;dr: Living with my Dad while in school, having a very difficult time with it emotionally. Struggling with feelings of loneliness and resentment.
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self.offmychest
|
I've started a new subreddit specifically for discussing the legal use of ketamine infusions, lozenges, and nasal sprays for the treatment of chronic pain, and mental illnesses such as depression, bipolar disorder, and PTSD. Come ask patients questions or, if you already are one, discuss therapeutic ketamine with fellow patients.
/r/TherapeuticKetamine
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self.depression
|
I consider my pets to be a cosmic punishment For some background: Around 7 months ago, one of the old barn cats who lives up by my grandma's house had a litter of kittens under her porch. Not for the first time, either- it's an old, sick, skinny cat and I'm pretty sure it shouldn't even be alive. Inevitably the kittens started dying one by one, either from starving or cold or straight up being eaten by all the random wild animals that roam the area until there were 3 left. Grandma, bless her, was heartbroken to see dead kitten after dead kitten and eventually started asking relatives and neighbors, me included, if anyone would be willing to take them. She would have kept them herself, but she's old, can't walk well... 3 newborn kittens was just out of the question for her.
When she asked me, I let her down gently. Kittens are adorable, don't get me wrong, but my SO and I just weren't in a position to get a pet- let alone 3. That should have been the end of it.
But then I made my fatal mistake. I told my SO, ever the animal lover, about the kittens. I have not now, nor have I ever been able to say no to anything that might make him happy. And I have regretted it every day since.
Let me start off by saying I love these cats. I truly do. But they make me more miserable than I have ever been in my life. I thought I had general depression and anxiety before we got them. I was dead wrong. Everything is torn up, constantly. They get into everything, they break stuff, nothing ever stays clean or tidy, no matter how much I vacuum, sweep and dust everything is covered in cat hair. They came with fleas that we have been combating this entire time, through Dawn baths and brushing, because we are too poor to avoid the good medications. And now, now- flea eggs. Fucking everywhere. No matter what I do. I wonder how long it'll be before the whole damn house is infested.
I know what you're thinking. "If you weren't prepared to deal with this stuff, you shouldn't have animals." And you are absolutely right. In no way, shape or form was I ready to get pets. I wasn't raised around animals, I don't know anything about them, they stress me out and make me nervous and I have a straight up phobia of bugs and parasites. But what else could we do? I can't say no to my SO, and even if I could that would have left them to starve to death under a porch, because no one else wanted them. So now they're here, and I am a nervous wreck 99% of the time, as much as I try to hide it. There will never be any getting rid of them. My SO loves them to death- he's absolutely enamored. He says they ease his stress, which he has a lot of. He would be heartbroken to part with any of them and I can't do that to him. But if I could turn back time- I would still take them, because I'm not heartless. But they would be bathed, brushed, posted on every single site or physical resource I could think of, and be given to absolutely the first person who showed interest in them. ASAP. Because I am going crazy and have lost all hope. My dreams of having a clean, nice, sanitary home feel like they've shattered. I wanted to start saving up and preparing to have a baby. I like glass decorations. I like everything to be nice and neat. But no longer. At this point I feel like all I can do is try to prepare for the day when fleas have infested the whole house.
I consider these cats to be a lesson the universe is trying to teach me. Things can ALWAYS be unimaginably worse. So you'd better take what you're given with a smile, or else it'll just hurl something else at you to show you how good you actually had it before. So I smile. And I cuddle the cats. And I speak in positives like "its fine, we can do this, we'll save up for Frontline, if fleas infest we'll just have to get a bug bomb...". All the time except for occasional moments, like this one, because I'm afraid of what the world may have in store if I show how miserable I am or try to get out of this. Yes, I am losing my mind.
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self.offmychest
|
bored of consumerism Already bought everything I've ever wanted and more. I have designer clothes. I have a rolex. I have $200 shoes. I have a porsche 911. I've bought $1000 escorts. I don't even get a rush from these things anymore. It's boring. I just want to be good looking and have a gf who loves my looks. THat is all. Sick of being single but girls don't like depressed guys with anxiety. It sucks.
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self.depression
|
[16M] I feel really tired and empty always. Just turning 16, though it's looking to be my most depressed birthday yet. I feel very depressed almost all the time, and have spent the last couple of years bottling up all my social anxieties and problems to the point where i feel like breaking.
I have exams next week a day after my birthday that I haven't studied for, I feel like I spend my time jumping between different social groups but never really sticking, my immune system is screwing me over with the 3rd cold in the past two months.
I feel like my parents are overly protective and patronizing to me and I live an hour away from all my friends so I never get to really hang out with people or go to late night parties and stuff. I've discovered that one of my friends is cutting himself, another may have attempted suicide in the past but idk and another just seems really depressed over a lot of things. I find myself hanging out with older kids a lot cause I look older than I am and they tend to be more authentic in personality.
I have considered therapy but I think my parents would overreact and I don't want them to start acting like there's something wrong with me. We don't exactly have a GP and idk anything about our health insurance or if I can go for a consultation without their consent. I have talked in a number of online support groups and taken a lot of online tests and they all say I should book it and see a therapist but it's such a big step idk if I can do it. I am always tired nowadays and feel terrible and idk what to do other than sleep and drag my way through it.
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self.depression
|
I was nearly caught.. In my last post I explained that ice works as a substitute for a blade. Check that out if you haven’t seen it. However, today I was dumb enough to hold an ice cube in my own kitchen. My mom walked in and I didn’t hear her at first, she asked what I was doing and my eyes just got wide. I quickly dropped the ice cube and said oh nothing. She was like well why are you just holding an ice cube. And I replied with, I was just wondering how long it would take for it to melt. She looked at me for what seemed like ages and asked, what for? I came up with, it’s for a school project. We were asked to see how long it takes for an ice cube to melt under heat, instead of using heat from fire or an oven or whatever I chose body heat! Hopefully I’ll get an A for a different approach. It didn’t seem like she’d buy it at first but then just said you’re one strange thinker and walked away. I don’t even know...I haven’t told anyone about what I feel and in that moment I was like well this is it. My secrets are no longer secrets, I’m a goner. I was so scared and nervous that she’d find out the real reason. That was so stressful
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self.depression
|
Experience weird thought patterns before falling asleep after drinking, worried it might be some kind of weird psychosis. Anyone dealt with this before? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Why does my depression/anxiety get really really intense for a short period of time, then it kind of relieves itself? I’m currently having a bout of pretty bad depression and anxiety. I’m at work right now. It seems like my depression and anxiety goes through a cycle, or just periods throughout the day where my mood is so low and it’s unbearable and almost disabling. This period could last a few minutes to an hour or so. But then it kind of goes away and I either feel normal or even hopeful for another varying short period of time. Does this happen to anyone else?
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self.depression
|
Rough Year This year started out "okay," but has since degraded. I should have received at least a $2 raise.
I didn't. I didn't get invited to a very close childhood friends wedding.
My (very close) grandmother (on my mother's) side of the family had a stroke and developed Gurstman's Syndrome.
My grandmother on my father's side has spiraled into Dementia.
My father, who suffers from Lupus, and Addison's just got pneumonia.
My vacation during new year got canceled (out of my control)
Fuck 2017. I'm lost.
I can't.
I'm broken.
I have my Mom who's at her breaking point and an older brother 500 miles away. I'm severely close to becoming the man of my family. I'm having trouble taking this responsibility at age 25.
We are a very small family (i.e. 5 other people.) I don't want to be in my position, but I've already used my signature to save/risk my family members life.
Im really scared. I don't know what to do. I'm lost.
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self.depression
|
I keep texting this suicide line because I have NO ONE to talk to when I'm in crisis I'm so depressed and suicidal.
There's no one in my life I can talk to when I'm in crisis. Can't talk to family, only have a few friends. One gets angry when I talk about my depression, one (I love) but she told me it's hurting her too much to have so many of her friends in depressive crisis and she can't handle the pressure of it. Soooo... not gonna talk to her. It's okay. I understand what she means and I don't blame her. Friends say they'd give everything to help but really, practically, there is a limit. I know what she means, I just wish I could talk to her about this.
My other friend I just don't feel comfortable talking to about this.
I don't have a therapist, don't have friends I can talk to, don't have family I'm at all comfortable telling these things to. I'm so alone. No one has any idea what I'm going through, at all. Whenever I'm in crisis I wish I could call someone I know but I can't. (And I don't feel comfortable calling people I don't know, so I don't call the line.) So I always text the 741741 line whenever I feel very suicidal because that's all I have.
I just wish I had someone I knew who I could talk to. There's no one. They're great but a stranger talking to me on a crisis text line isn't the same.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
About social nervousness. I can actually talk to people, but i get nervous when i am talking to them, not when they are talking to me. Plus i am nervous at social environments (not situations)
Is this shyness or social anxiety?
EDIT: I am practicing to be social actually
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self.Anxiety
|
"You don't have it bad enough"/"You only think about yourself" [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Why I've never told anyone in real life I'm depressed I've been suicidal for a while, and depressed for years. I've only posted online about this. I've never had the courage to tell someone. Not my friends or my family or my parents. Not a soul.
I'm scared. Scared that I'll be judged or I'll make things awkward. Scared that they won't want to talk to me again. Scared that maybe I'll lose them, and they are all I have left. And maybe most of all, I'm scared they won't care. That they never cared about me.
I know I should tell my mother. My mother says she loves me. But whenever she talks about suicide or being suicidal, she says 'Wow, that's just wrong. They should persevere more. Why aren't they resilient? Why aren't they *strong*?' And there's probably nothing wrong with this. It's just that she'll tell me this, and she'll lecture me, and she'll make me feel weak. By accident of course, but I'll feel weak and like I am a disappointment. I don't want to feel any more weak than I already am.
My friends. First off, I don't have any super close friends. Just friends that I hang out with because we go to the same school. That's it. Second of all, I try to put up this persona. That I'm chill and funny and never take things seriously. I never talk about my real problems to friends. That puts a damper on things. That puts a burden on their shoulder that they should care for me because that's what 'right'. And they aren't bad friends because of this. It's just that I've pretended I have no problems for so long, if I say I do, maybe they won't know what to do. Maybe they'll just laugh and it'll be awkward. I don't want that. I want to pretend I'm fine.
Whenever I manage to post about this, I'm told I should tell someone. And I know I should. It's common sense. But I never can, no matter how hard I try. I just hope it goes away. It doesn't and I *know* it. Why am I like this? Why can't I fucking change already?
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self.offmychest
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I graduate next week, I don't want to, I really REALLY would rather be dead
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anidepressants hurting sex life My boyfriend recently started taking antidepressants and immediately was unable to get hard. It’s gotten better over the past month but he still can’t get hard enough for us to have sex. He told his doctor and the doctors response was to prescribe cialis....Is this the normal response for men with this issue? I know it’s a common side effect but I always figured the doctor would prescribe a different antidepressant. I’m on antidepressants too but have never had major side effects to make me want different meds
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self.depression
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are ADHD/OCD/intrusive thoughts/always pleasure seeking w/ nicotine & coffee considered a bipolar spectrum? I was just wondering what the likelyhood I'm a BP I or BP II. I get these nasty intrusive thoughts and they consume my psyche. Imagery and such. They have me on resperidone 9mg, Clonidine, and fish oil. I can't do any of the things I use to enjoy like writing computer code or doing technology. I tell myself I want to do it and make the money but I can't find any joy in it (for example - going to school to learn Python).
Not asking for a diagnosis just asking what the likelyhood of BP spectrum is on this one. I get agitated by sounds sometimes/environment while having intrusive thoughts. Taking a valium helps I suppose. Could it be a psychotic major depressive one w/ ADHD or high likelihood of BP I / BP II?
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self.bipolar
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getting out of bed i sometimes get into bed (not to sleep) and just sit in one position looking at my phone
i stay like that for hours and i hate myself more and more for not being productive but i cant make myself get up or move in general
so it just becomes a loop of me feeling worse and worse
how do you deal with this?
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self.depression
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Hanging on? I want to hang myself. I want to die. Doesn't matter why, same old sob story as everyone else and frankly I don't give a shit enough to type it all out. I don't want sympathy or to hear myself talk, I'm more or less trying to work up the guts.
I have a son.
He's the only reason I still breathe. But I want that rope. I don't know how to tie a noose, I don't want to fail because I don't want to deal with the aftermath. I don't know what I'm doing.
People are selfish fucking creatures. I hate them. Sometimes.
Are we capable of loving each other, another. Am I capable of being loved
I've never had it
Ever
Not by family, romantic partners
I just want to die.
If I had the money I'd just hire a hit man to take me out. Any takers?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I've been doing a lot better this past year with therapy, but I just had a really bad anxiety attack. My anxiety usually manifests itself in body/health concerns. I panic over any perceived changes, but I think they typically get bad during periods of high stress. I've been doing pretty well this past year, but I just had a really bad one. I had forgotten how bad they could feel. I guess it makes sense given that I've had a lot of accumulating stressors this past month and a lot of changes. I was able to eventually calm myself down. I'm still coming down from it and I'm not sure if there's really a point to this post, I just came across this site and felt like there was a really cool community here and kind of wanted to chat and feel less alone and feel like things are going to be okay. Thanks for reading this if you made it this far :)
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self.Anxiety
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After a long time, i feel normal. sorry no TL:DR in the post. I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder in April 2016. When I was happy I was super happy and when I became depressed, it felt like the end of the world and was a regular case of self-loathing, self-ridicule, not confident about myself, thinking always that I was acting stupid and searching on Internet ways to kill myself.
I am a single son and I am living with my father whom I take care, my mom left my father and me in the year 2000 and since then, We had to rebuild our lives from scratch. I was in boarding school for most of my school life and college life and my father was working out of the country and I hardly ever met him but we spoke on the phone and he ensured that his presence was never left out in my life.
In the year 2009 after completing college, my father spent his savings in a new company which did less than expectations but still survives today with our relatives managing it and I just started working and I was making very little. During those times, it was a tough life for my father and I as we had to live in a shared apartment with strangers in our rooms and we made enough money for us to survive. After sometime, we somehow managed to live in a proper apartment but it was small and enough for the both of us. Age was slowly catching up with my father and It was natural that I had to take care of him as due to his medical conditions and I was also taking care of the house in terms of expenses and bills and my father's medical treatment as he completly stopped working and is mentoring a startup.
I was always in the circle of taking care of father, work pressure and taking care of the house and somehow save money which was not working as I am stupid about money even though now i take home a good salary. Relationships was a thing which I never knew and all this pressure from both within me and the situations of taking care of so much things took a toll on my mental health. Depression episodes was like a guest, and i could always feel myself that i was slipping into that episode. It felt like i was standing on a slanting glass floor with oil on it and i was slipping no matter what i did.I didn't check myself with a doc, thinking this happens to all adults.
It was a war in my head between one side of me being a nagging wife and the other side like I was a helpless guy coming under the fire from this nagging wife part of me but i have to control myself not to let that express in the outside world. It was a real struggle as i didn't want to mess up what i had done in my professional career and hiding this secret from my friends and family and work peers because i knew a) depression is not talked about very well in the society that i live in b) people think visiting a psychiatrist mental and a lunatic
It was a hard journey that I had to take but I started to identify all the triggers that made me go back to the depression episodes and ensured that I cut it out of my life.
It was a constant battle and one fine day I thought I need to visit the psychiatrist and find what is wrong. After a long talk, the psychiatrist diagnosed me with Bipolar and explained to me what this is and how to avoid it in 2016. I broke this news to my father as he is the one person whom I don't keep secrets and see him as my best friend. The doctor put me on some medications, it was all fine for some time but it was not working. I then started to identify all the triggers which make me go into this depressive state and how to avoid it.
I found Facebook was one of the causes of my depression episode. Seeing others having an awesome life and then me comparing to their life always made me have thoughts in my head thinking, I am not good enough, I am worthless, what is the purpose of my life. I deactivated my account on Facebook and stopped drinking alcohol altogether.
I started going to yoga class and found it was very helpful in keeping myself calm and it gave me an excellent workout as well. I became very much aware of the thoughts I was thinking and when I felt I was slipping, I started thinking how grateful I am and count my blessings. It has worked and after a long time for almost 3 months, I haven't had an episode of depression. It feels nice after a long time and I always try to be cheerful and try to take things lightly and be in the moment. Wanted to share this with you guys. Take care and thanks for reading.
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self.bipolar
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Anyone want to be my friend and talk? I have issues and am in need of someone or someones to talk at me and be real. I'd imagine a psychologist would probably be best but that's simply not an option right now and likely won't happen in the foreseeable future. Fair warning, I am not normal, like at all, once you get inside my head it will likely end up with us both frustrated or you thinking I'm a sociopath but if that sounds like fun to you lets have a chat :PP I can help you to if you want
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self.SuicideWatch
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Depression frightens me mortally and mathematically If you stub a toe or fall and cut your knees the pain is temporary. On top of that endorphin kick in. With depression there is no "counter balance". This is what I mean by depression frightens me mathematically. How are we allowed to suffer without a release valve? The mind is so powerful it just absorbs infinite negative energy from some unknown source? Shouldn't some homeostasis emerge after a while? Why is it that if you get stuck in a certain mind frame you just can't view the world any there way. You're destined to be miserable. That's terribly depressing. No pun intended
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self.depression
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I can't bring myself to care anymore Seriously, my grades are tanking, my family's angry, I'm eating unhealthily and yet all I can be fucked to do is sit down and play video games after doing fuckall in school. At this point I have so much missing work it seems insurmountable to catch up, and every time
I think about it I just get angry. And yet, here I sit on reddit, continuing to do fuckall.
Sorry for the mini rant
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self.depression
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Well, I had my first cry of 2018. Off to a great start. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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What to do when people don't text back ever? Honestly idk if it's even worth it to keep trying. You know when you send a text, and she (or he) doesn't reply and then the anxiety comes flooding in like
"Am I being annoying?"
"Maybe they're just busy"
"Maybe they didn't get the notification?"
"Should I send another text just in case?"
"Oh fuck why did I say that?"
"Did I say something weird?"
"They probably wants nothing to do with me"
Is it even worth trying to keep the friendship alive if it's only one way and you're the only one trying? I feel like if they don't put in any effort at all to maintain contact and the friendship, then it's not even worth it.
But at the same time I don't want to push them away. I have this year of being replaced or all of my friends just leaving me or secretly hate me. If I don't work to keep the friendship alive, who Will? Not them.
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self.Anxiety
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Should I ask for extra credit if I couldn't study because of anxiety [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I’m selfish, but I love her My ex-turned-friend (literally the most mutual breakup that can happen, both decided it wouldn’t work since I was going to college and she was going to be a senior in high school) has recently been the subject of my love again. I don’t know when exactly it happened, but it has been going on for a couple of months. She just entered college (I’m in my second year), and we talk every day. She had a very rough time adjusting and had almost no friends, but recently she has been doing great. And I love that, I really do; sure we talk less, but I want her to be happy. But recently she met this senior and has been seeing him pretty seriously. She seems happy, and it is great she found a seemingly nice guy, but... I’m so selfish. I want her to be happy, but I really hate that she is with a guy. I hate it. I just want to hold her again and tell her how beautiful and perfect she is. I want to feel her warmth. I want to talk with her until the sun comes up like we did. I have tried to distance myself from her, because thinking of her with someone else hurts too much, but everyday she texts me and i reply care-free. I wish I wasn’t so in love with her. I wish I didn’t have feelings for her. I wish I could just talk to her as a friend and never be upset. But I can’t and I don’t know what to do. I really want her to be happy, but it is so hard when it goes against my happiness. I love her.
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self.offmychest
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Does anyone else get anxious about packing for a trip? I'm not talking about the, "do I have everything I need" anxiousness, but the, "I hate everything in my closet and I'm going to look like a total loser in a cool new destination". I'm heading to SoCal this month and I'm currently in east coast winter hibernation mode (so, so much snow here) and I am convinced I'll be judged by my lack of SoCal cool. Nervous about being over/underdressed, nervous about meeting my husband's friends, nervous about keeping up with the left coast. Zoloft, take the wheel!
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self.Anxiety
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I'm more afraid to get help than I am of killing myself Ahead of time, I apologize for formatting as I am on mobile.
Let me start by saying that I've tried to get help in the past, and am seeing a therapist twice a week these days, but it isn't helping. I've made quite a few attempts on my life in the past, but I apparently can't even do that right.. Medication came later in life, where I was on, then off, now back on meds. I have tried contacting hotlines but I either can't get through (online chat) or they were no help (text). My therapist's company has a crisis line that I've been in touch with more than once recently because I've started cutting again and I'm afraid if I keep doing calling they'll recommend me to a state-run facility I don't have insurance.
I don't really have anyone to confide in, but they are people who are at least aware of my depression.
I feel like such a god damn burden, and such a fuck up. I don't want to feel like this, anymore. I just want it all to stop..
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self.SuicideWatch
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Dear friends Just in case no one told you today...
I love you and you mean every thing to someone....
I wanna see you happy, I wanna see you smile I wanna celebrate your accomplishments how ever few.
Fuck bullies, fuck people who always put you down.
Fuck debit, fuck stress, fuck illness, fuck hate,fuck depression, fuck anxiety
but most of all
I love you and I believe in you.
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self.depression
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Anyone else feel really angry sometimes? So I’ve talked to a dr who actually thinks I suffer from Health Anxiety - more commonly known as Hypochondria but that doesn’t explain my anger sometimes.
When I’m not in control or when someone messes up my flow, I get very angry and annoyed. I like everything to be perfect and my way (within reason) and when someone unnecessarily ruins that, I get really agitated. Anyone else get this?
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self.Anxiety
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Scared to eat and drink, have eaten 2,000 calories in past 5 days [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Does it matter if I vary the time I take my meds? [deleted]
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self.depression
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I want to say to my doc that I am depressed but I am afraid that I will get institutionalised and just be fed "social repertoires" rather than be seen as a lost child. So instead, I am getting a blood test for vitamin D first and if need be, I may see a therapist
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self.depression
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I’m disabled and chronically ill. Doing anything besides sleeping makes me incredibly tired and sore [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Not suicidal but would rather just not be around/not be me So my depression roots from an deeply rooted issue I have with my appearance. I am genuinely convinced I am on of the ugliest/goofiest dudes out there. I am very social though, like being around people, and am known as a really funny guy. But behind this image I make for myself, I don't think my self esteem could be any lower in regards to my looks.
I don't know how to get over this, but it is deeply affecting my happiness. I know girls aren't interested in me before the convo starts. I can see it in their eyes. I know I'm really lanky, tall and goofy looking. My head is way to big for my skinny body. It drives me insane and is making me want to just be by myself all the time. I enjoy life, but any time I see my reflection or a video/pic of myself it reminds me of what I look like and it leaves me with such a deep sadness. Seeing a pic or reflection of myself can literally ruin my whole day. Is that ridiculous?
Am I crazy for letting my appearance control me like this? I don't want to kill myself but I just don't want to be me. Like I enjoy life, but this has become such an overwhelming issue for myself I don't know how to get over it. It impacts almost every area of my life. I'm not comfortable in my own skin. I spend hours taking pictures and videos of myself to see if I'm as ugly as I think I am. Sometimes I'll think "Hey, not too bad!" Then others, I am mortified about what I look like. I don't even look human. I am a tall stick figure with a massive goofy head. I'll never get married or be happy.
I just want to find someone like myself to talk to, confide with. It's tough.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Merry Christmas I just found out yesterday my wife cheated on me.
I haven't seen her or my two kids in 9 months (military).
I'm not even deployed.
I can feel the tears coming out but I have almost no emotion because of my medication.
I've been on what seems like 10 or 15 different meds this year since my diagnosis and medical retirement and had countless nights of suicidal ideation, depression, loathing, pain and rage but I stuck through it just thinking about getting home to my family.
I guess I'm just venting.
Fuck you Andrea.
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self.bipolar
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It never ends. No matter what. Hi, reddit. I just need to talk it out. It's not a first world's problems or something. Just a life of one guy out of 7 billions people. Someone has much more troubles, someone has scary ilnesses, some had abusive parents or lovers. Someone got raped, someone is about to die. I can't complain. But i have nothing left to do.
It's all started in kindergarden actually. At my 5 years i was already cursed or something. You know this... Relations between people? When someone always take a lead. When you have a weak mentality, weak body and you can't resist? That's what happened i think. I don't know if i was born with such a thing or my parents raised me like this. Or i didn't know something crucial and it all stacked against me. Well, anyway, back to kindergarden. Everyone called me weirdo for some reason. I don't really know why. I think i was normal. But again, i got abused by other kids. All those insults, little punches and so on. Not that scary. Everyone went through this i suppose. So did i. Felt kinda shitty though. But whatever.
School? Well for 11 years i was studying in a small rural area school. Let's say kids in rural area has "special" mindset. Should i tell you how hard i was abused and bullied for 11 years? For being smarter, for being "not like normal kids". Teachers, kids and their parents - everyone had something against me. And i had no one to protect me. Parents never gave an advice, only "don't mind them". I had no place to escape. Except virtual world. Cliche!
So when i was like 16 years old my father called me "gay" because i had no girfriend. That pissed me off hoestly. So i tried hard and got a female friend hehe. And through painful process of "leaving the friendzone" we started to date. But i noticed weird thing... I didn't love her. She was a burden for me. I tried to get rid of this feeling but after 2 months i just ghosted on her and made her to leave me.
Well, school was over. University. Got a real friend. Who was also into boards like 4chan and so on. So we had a lot of similar shit. Music, life attitude, hobbies. Except for personalities. He was kinda popular and everyone liked him a lot. Can't deny i felt shit about myself because of how envy i was. So we've been friends for 3,5 years i guess. I also managed to fall in love with her GF but it's bad, right? So i just silently survived that. Which worked out and i was happy. But something happened and my friend started to bully me and abuse me. Just as everyone else. You know how it feel when you consider yourself worthless and you need someone to tell you that you are not? But when best friends confirms that you are worthless... ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯ So i ghosted on him too.
Now the rough part. I play a lot of league. And happened that i managed to find somewhat of distant relationships there hah. Honestly, idc how cringe it seems for you. I was happy and forgot about depression. But nothing lasts forever, right? I think i have a bad karma. So she ghosted on me. And when i tried to fox it... I only made it worse. Well, happens. Not a big deal.
So, i was trying to make online friends to not feel shit about myself. Guess what i found? I reached complete bottom. Each and everyone was telling me that i'm a bad person. That i'm worthless. At some point you are starting to believe them. After so many daily reminders. I remember this quote... "How pathetic must be your life if you are adding random people. You have no friends?". That was awful.
But happened interesting thing. I found friend. It was a girl. Let's say we were keeping each other alive somedays. Like i had nothing but her to escape from problems and issues. So we were helping each other to deal with some shit and disorders. Until she freaked out of how am i obsessed with ex. And that i saerch for random connections. I guess she is right about that one. Since she left i've changed a bit though. I am no longer obsessed with ex. And for a month recently i was happy. Like, i burried my biggest trouble and i'm not sufferning because of girl anymore! Wohoo! But... depression slowly comes back. For no reason. For no fucking reason.
Hello?? I have a job, i ahve a stable income, i have a place to live in, i have a freaking car lmao. WHY? WHY THE FUCK DO I FEEL LIKE THIS FOR NO REASON? WHY THE FUCK THIS FEELING NEVER LEAVES ME? This is just a joke. No matter what you do - you're fucked. Great!!
I don't know what to do. I don't think of suicide anymore tbh. It's childish and pointless. I am ready to live with this feeling till the end tbh. Even if i know it wont leave no matter what. Guess some people are blessed, some people are cursed. I'm somewhere in between. Yet another sad guy! 1 story of a billions.
P. S.
Dear Tiny T., i know you might be here. If you read this, i'm sorry for being a bad person. I'm sorry for being fucked up. I'm sorry for bothering you with my problems. Hope you're still alive and doing decently at least. And thank you for being there for me. You saved my life.
Sincerely,
quinn
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self.depression
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Took a sweet video of my toddler and went through my contacts only to realize I have nobody to send it to It's not the end of the world, but it's a shitty feeling. I'm grateful that I have a daughter and that I'm able to take pictures/videos of her, but sometimes I just wish I had someone to share my videos with. I feel like she deserves for people to see how beautiful she is. I went through my contacts and Facebook Messenger and it further sunk in that we have nobody. (I have her dad, but he doesn't have friends or family either.) It just makes me think of a few years from now when my sweetheart is involved in things like sports, dancing, academic competitions...graduation. Who's going to be there? And God forbid her father or I die... she'll be completely alone. I just picture other kids with all their friends and family and then I picture my baby and think about how alone we are. I'm sorry if I sound negative. It's okay, it just makes me sad. She's only two and we have a lot of years ahead of us, so there's no need to dwell. I know other people feel alone, too.
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self.depression
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At what point should I go to the hospital? [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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I feel alone and lost All my life my family has been in competition with me. So once I started going out and exploring and doing my own things in high school that's when I realized how messed up my life is. I'm tired of trying to hold on to my life. I wanna go away and never come back. There's this movie called looper and I can not believe how much it been relating to me. It almost as though my life has been on an infinite loop of hurting my loved ones. In order to end it all I must eventually end it myself. I do not feel as though I belong nor have a sense of purpose on this earth even though I know people will miss me. I have never been in such shame until now. I am doing things that I said I wouldn't. I have flashbacks of what people have said to me. One of them is you know people will miss you for who you are. You have such a great sense of humor and you can bond with anyone really. You are very chill person you put yourself in another person shoes you try and listen to what they say analys it but don't over think things. A recent example of this is a little one that is in my life me and him bonded really well. What happened was that he wanted to go outside but it was cold rainy he was not able to since it was all muddy and nasty. Also the parents left so that was a double no. I took him to my room since I thought that the weather wasn't that bad I left my window open. I remembered that when ever he was watching one of his kids movies I'd dance to it and he would watch and now since he able to walk on his own he'd stand and dance to those movies. My mom was trying to feed him since he was probably hungry. I put on his favorite kids show and I got one of his toys. So what I did was that I danced to the kids show with the toy in my hand. I implied with gesture that he should eat while he watched and played with his toy. What ended up happening was that he settled down and realized a few things from me and I think he really enjoyed being with me. You know granted that brings me some joy but I still feel empty and confused. I say people alot but not friends nor family or spouse. Maybe that's what I need a spouse I kinda have friends I have a family not of my own though. Atleast with a spouse I would be able to feel a little bit better that they would know that I am a family person that I can bond with little ones.
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self.depression
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Rate My Suicide Note I still have the note saved, for a rainy day...
But 24 hours in and I'm still here. Thanks for keeping me distracted. I owe everyone who commented my life. Literally.
Thank you.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Gone I don’t know how I’m feeling today. Feels like I’m here one minute and gone the next. Like I’m just watching my life whither away in front of me.
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self.bipolar
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I feel worthless. I need help. I’ll just start from the beginning. I was a happy guy, sort of an inbetweener, I was friends with everyone. I completed high school and really looked forward to what college and university could bring me. I continued to drop out of college 2 years in a row and develop anger problems which I focus into punching things and hurting myself by force. I’ve been in and out of jobs for the past year, I’ve been in love for 4 years and can’t get over it, I have no motive to do good at anything, no one to work for, nothing to look forward to. My mother is the only person that stops me from killing myself because I have no idea what she’d do with herself if I did. My dad is non existent in my life, wishes he didn’t have me. TL;DR I’ve fucked up my life and I’ve hit a dead end, want to kill myself, and have no idea how I can get out of this hole
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self.depression
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Obsessively afraid I've committed a crime I confessed to one of my favourite artists on the internet that I made a pic very similar to one of his drawings, and I haven’t heard back. I tried to tell myself not to take it personally since he's famous and probably gets a million messages. But I'm sad and crying anyway and simultaneously I feel like I deserve it. In the caption under the pic, I gave him credit and put a link to his work. But I can't shake off the guilt or the feeling that I'm a crook and not worthy of anyone's friendship or kindness. It's also brought up pain I've tried to shrug off from being ignored by so many people I really liked and admired online. It is hard for me to approach people due to anxiety so I have a hard time not taking it personally when someone ignores me.
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self.Anxiety
|
All my friends forgot my birthday. [NAW] Hi Reddit,
Today is my 26th Birthday. It's a public (bank) holiday where I live and as such I've been at home all day as I've had to work on an assignment for uni. I've had my phone nearby most of the day, and have had the occasional message popping up on Facebook to tell me that my family have posted to wish me a good day.
However, not one single person that is not a family member has contacted me all day, including my best friend. I had some drinks with friends on the weekend to celebrate, which my best friend arrived late to and attended for half an hour before having to flee to be with some other friend of hers who I don't know. I'm particularly upset at her. Earlier this year she had a birthday dinner which I was the only invitee to turn up to, and she was devastated.
I just wanted to let someone know how let down I feel that none of my friends seem to have remembered. =(
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self.offmychest
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“Those who go never come back.” Words of my counselor just yesterday when I was speaking to her about the possibility of home study and partial days at school.
Yesterday was my first day back from a two week long Christmas break. I was basically stuck in a never-ending anxiety attack the entire day. I was so stressed and what comes with great stress is an overwhelming amount of pure panic and severe levels of disassociation.
Yeah, you guys... my depersonalization isn’t doing so great. It’s gotten worse. My brain is so heavy now I can barely function, my head is foggy. I can’t focus.
Took the day off today because I couldn’t muster enough strength to go. What a pussy, right? Haha oh well. It’s too bad.
I’m not too sure whether or not this belongs in SuicideWatch or this thread because I’m seriously considering killing myself. Oh well ahah ahahhahah. Not like anyone cares anyway.
But on a more positive note, I hope everyone who reads this is doing great.
See you on the flip side.
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self.depression
|
I will be awake for more than 24 hours so everything can happen I just had a sleepless night. Yesterday I woke up at 5 am. I didn't sleep and I have school in like less than 3 hours with my essay to finish then... I have school from 8 am to 8pm with a tiny rest at 1pm because I need to eat too lol.
The week isn't even over and I already know that it will get worse day after day :)))))))))))))
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self.depression
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Being bipolar is a lot like being an alcoholic [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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BiPolar Girl Dropped Contact Again Was dating this bipolar girl on/off for 6 months.
She gets set off very easily. One very small nuisance or comment can trigger her to just unfriend me on fb or block my number.
She did this to several other ( a lot) of other people in her life too. I don't think she has ever had a long-term relationship. She just juggles between people.
So she unfriended me on FB a few months ago. Got over it a few days later. Then we were back. Then she blocked me from other social media 2 months later. Then a few days later we were back again. She never unblocked me. We just dated almost daily while she had me blocked on all these sites lol. It even came off a few times when she tried to tag me in photos and then but we just sort of didn't go there and talk about it.
Then one day about a month ago she sent me a random text "You're a parasite. You're a leech. XYZ things are wrong with you. I can't be seen with you anymore and I can't subject myself to be around you either" where XYZ were exactly her traits and no one would ever think she was talking about me.
She has done this before but this time was sort of more extreme. However, every couple months she comes up with a new way to gain control of me once her old way loses effectiveness (I adapt to it). So I have been thinking maybe that's partly what this is about?
This text came almost out of the blue. There was a very small nuisance that has happened before but nothing new as every date with her is crazy-fest lol.
She also immediatly blocked me off absolutely everything from that point on...every last thing that she hadn't already blocked me off of a few months prior. Like every last thing...even fringe sites we were both part of lol.
She just sent me the paragraph-long text and then blocked me immediately. No chance to respond!
I contact her from a new number a few days later. And she just made up a bunch of shit about me to project hate onto me. She didn't let me finish, hung up, and blocked the number.
A got a hold of her a few days later. She was in a good mood. Very estatic. She said good things to me. And she was down to hang out again that evening. And she was very very estatic, but then all of a sudden a few hours before we were to meet up again she cancelled. Then she went back to the "I don't want to see you ever again mode" and made up all these horrible character traits (exactly hers) and projected them onto me!
Second-hand, I received intel. that she is going through some extreme depression phase right.
A week later I went to her work. She immediately covered her eyes so she couldn't see me, walked to the back, and said "I can't do this."
Usually when she sees me in person it sparks her interest so I think by covering her eyes she preventing herself from having feelings for me?
I'm just so confused. It's been about a month now and it's been about 2 weeks since I tried to initiate contact.
She has her mood swings by the day and even by the minute.
She had a cold shoulder to me for a period of about one month after the first two weeks of dating, but she didn't block me, she said always said she was busy. It is the exact same vibe/feeling right now except that she has blocked me off everything.
I also got from 2nd hand intel. that she's missed a lot of days at work (not because I showed up, she had already missed a lot of days before I dropped by that one time), rapidly gained weight, quit exercising, and just overall not herself.
I'm so confused. Would like some advice?
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self.bipolar
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My gf has depression/anxiety and i'm burning out Hey reddit
As the title says, my gf of almost five years have depression and anxiety and i'm feeling like i'm burning out.
She is really struggling and working her ass off trying to get better and i'm trying to be as supportive and stable as i possibly can.
I love her very much, but i feel like i can't go on forever.
I feel like the biggest self centered ass whenever i think about it, but i miss the time when i didn't have to be the driving force in the relationship all the time and when she wasn't tired all the time.
I miss the sex and her willingness to go out and perhaps try something new.
I miss the time when i could be down and she would take care of me.
She is on anti-depressants and working towards getting better and i still love her, just as much as when we first met. I'm just really, really tired.
Has anyone else been in the same situation?
Am i being totally unreasonable?
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self.depression
|
Even after a great evening In the title it says even but maybe it should be changed to especially. Yesterday I had one great evening with friends, there is this holiday here in The Netherlands and we celebrated and we wrote poems about each other, roasting and also uplifting, and we went to my friend where we are always welcome and his mom (and him) surprised us with making everything very nice, as in setting and food etc. It could have been the alcohol but as soon as I came home I thought about ending it right there and then, however I (obviously) didn't do it because if it didn't work I might've harmed myself in a way that I could not be able to play basketball again or something similair. I couldn't cry I almost did but I just felt empty and more angry than sad. Last week I had a mental breakdown I was in the living room still at 2 am and I started to weep intensely for like an hour, but this wasn't like that.
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self.depression
|
Is anyone else just a depressed slob. I feel just sort of existing instead of 'living', I don't do much all day, and just have no motivation, I fantasize about killing myself all the time too.
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self.depression
|
Need food, but can't eat. Need sleep, but can't sleep. Hi,
I'm a grad student and the next month is gonna be hell for me. I'm falling into a familiar cycle of not being able to eat or sleep due to crippling anxiety. I dry heave in the morning and could probably throw up if I wanted to.
These kinda episodes have been plaguing me for the last several years (mostly due to school-related anxiety). This part of my brain is illogical because I need the sleep and nutrition to mitigate the anxiety, but instead it doesn't want to eat/sleep.
I've been in far worse situations, but this is still not tolerable and has negative impacts on my life.
Note: I exercise everyday and do not use any drugs/alcohol/nicotine..(sadly...quitting those things didn't help my anxiety too much anyways)
Any advice?
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self.Anxiety
|
Does anyone else have crazy intrusive thoughts? These scare me and trigger moderate to severe panic attacks :(
|
self.Anxiety
|
Where do I look Hello all,
im sure this topic is tiresome or annoying to some, but im curious about where to look for depressed and anxious women (if that sentence isnt stereotypical, i dont know what is). I have social anxiety and depression disorders and im single hetero-"man" and coming into my mid-30s. Ive been on Okcupid for like 10 years and have had some success with it in the past, but its changed over the years and Im finding fewer matches. I blame this on Tinder and OKC's desire to emulate it.
I am SO not a Tinder person. Up until recently, I would vigorously vet my OKC matches profiles and question-answers to ensure they have a similar mental state to mine, including mood, anxiety, sleep pattern, confidence, activity, thought patterns, and ethical structure.
These days, it seems that most women on OKC put little effort into filling out profiles and answering questions and use it more like Tinder. I have also noticed the curve of personalities to seem to push even higher into the Confident - Super Confident range, where there are more people who are like "Ive lived in 5 different countries and backpacked the Appalachian Trail and go to school fulltime and work 3 jobs and take dance lessons on the side, and I love life and seize the day everyday.
I usually just skip over these people and look for profile pics that arent selfies of teethy smiles and impeccable grooming, but I just find it harder and harder to find profiles that arent like that. Ive hardly ever seen anyone write that they have depression or the symptoms of it on their profiles, when this is exactly what I am looking for in a relationship, someone on my level who gets me. Ive heard "well people only show their proudest face when it comes to dating" but I feel compelled to show the do the opposite! Id really like to believe Im not alone in this, but the results of my efforts seem to show that its true.
Am I missing something? Depressed and anxious women, are you not on OKC and other dating sites? Is it because you get spammed by fuckboi's and insulted by misogynists? Is it just an unnecessary resource? Or is everyone really just putting on their shiniest mask on there, even the depressed, anxious, and mediocrely accomplished? If the latter is the majority, then im sad because my personal self-effacing vulnerable honesty is such a big part of who I am that I could never and would never give it up just to trick someone into liking me. It is the cornerstone of my identity, and more importantly it is essential to my understanding of Humanity, that confidence is just an emotion with no real objective truth behind it and that the story my depression tells me is the sad truth, of a world sustained by suffering and violence, that i must spend my life rigorously ignoring and medicating. This has never been disproven to me with reason by anyone, even my therapists, so why should I lie about it to someone Im considering forming an intimate bond with?
If pride and hubris is the ultimate rule of this game and im truly as rare as it seems, then I'd seriously just consider chemical castration because sexuality is such a burden when its unfulfilled and not worth all the longing and distraction that takes a toll on one's productivity. However, if its really just that women with these afflictions just tend to avoid these online venues, then at least there's still hope. I just cant keep going on like this, combing through endless profiles of people who seem so much better than me and constantly triggering my depression and self-loathing.
I don't mean for this to sound like another desperate male trawling for pity-flirts. Im really just looking for advice here on where I should be looking and whether im really just going about it the wrong way. I love this subreddit. Its one of the few places i feel understood in this world. Sorry if this question is annoying or belong's somewhere else.
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self.depression
|
When I try to write code, I get traumatic flashbacks from my childhood. I am studying programming which reminds me a lot to math, and as a result, I keep getting undesired feelings coming back to me.
When I try to write code and find a difficult line, I can hear my mother yelling and screaming at me for not being able to solve a question, almost hitting me for being slow at answering, and almost start crying like she made me cry on my math homework as an 11 year old while she kept screaming at me.
How can I get over it and finally be able to overcome difficult coding challenges without remembering that?
Thank you for reading.
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self.offmychest
|
Worried about mental/emotional state after losing car later this month On the 25th of this month, I’ll be losing my car because the lease is expiring and my mom can’t lease another one for me. I’ve had several jobs already and felt at this point I would’ve amount to a more substantial job that would let me lease a car by myself, but every time I lose a job I keep applying and no one hires me and I go months without a job. I’d really try to save up for a new car, but with the expenses I have (mostly medical) it makes that nearly impossible. I’ve had this car for 4 years and have developed an attachment to it, and I worry that not only will it be significantly more difficult to find a job without my own car (which will also take a toll on me), but that my mental/emotional state will slip very low due to the loss of virtually my only form of independence. I know there’s people that don’t have cars or never have one at all, but I feel like everything I did to try and prevent this has failed through no fault of my own; I’m just not the kind of person that would let this happen. I tried to get a good job, I tried to save, but I feel like employers just casually dismissing and rejecting me has lead me to a point I didn’t work towards, and now it’s going to cost me something I tried so hard to not to lose…
Even my brother has his own car, and he’s younger by me than 6 years, and that’ll be yet another way I’ve become inferior to him…
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self.Anxiety
|
Ex told me she has genital herpes... The ex contacted me saying she has genital herpes and chlamydia and some nasty shit.
Fuck that. I went to the hospital got some tests done.
I'm clean. I told her I'd let her know when I got results... But I'm not gonna tell her. Because I think its hilarious. Yeah, its wrong to find this funny and it'd be inappropriate to laugh at her and be giddy about it. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯
Lmfao. Good luck with the strange, dude! (☞ﾟ∀ﾟ)☞ *finger guns*
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self.offmychest
|
ladies on latuda, i need your help so, I got prescribed 20mg/day of latuda (already on 300mg lamictal, 300mg sertraline and 54/36mg concerta (morning and noon) 0.5mg Ativan 2/day if needed)
I noticed one of the possible side effects from it was possible changes in the menstrual cycle.
I started it a little over a week ago (the 6) and I finished my bc pills Saturday (the 9). my period usually starts by the Monday after I finish my pills.
it hasn't started yet, so I was wondering if it was relatively normal. has this happened to any of you? how soon after starting latuda did your cycle start to get weird? did it level out after a while?
I'm not worried rn about being pregnant, I just want to know if this is something I should expect???
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self.bipolar
|
I. Am. Worthless. Failed at everything so far, and have little hope going forward. There's nothing to be excited about down the road. Feeling worse than ever. And can anticipate it getting worse.
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm a female who hates the sound of other females voices. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
I don't think I will ever be able to get over this there are some days where I just try to move along with my life and not care about him and just focus on work
but then when I go home I'm by myself and I see all the fun he is having without me
I doubt if he even remembers me
He has an entirely new group of friends and wants nothing to do with me
we were supposed to move in together and I am dead to him now. This has literally been the hardest year of my life emotion-wise. I want to say 'things will be so much better in 2018' but I don't even know that and it's nearly impossible for me to get my hopes up about stuff now.
I'm not even interested in a romantic relationship anymore and I don't even feel attracted to him in that way anymore either. I just want to be friends but I know he doesn't want that and it fucking sucks.
I am crying as I type this. fuck.
|
self.offmychest
|
How can I tell if my unhealthy habits/actions are due to my mental illness? Or maybe I'm just a shitty person in the first place? [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Retreats Hello, I'm new on here and I was wondering if anybody knows of any retreats for people suffering from depression/anxiety/low confidence? Something affordable
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self.depression
|
I wish I was born in a wealthier family Today is the 3rd meal I ate with rice and water only. My family was a normal Asian family, until my grandmother got a stroke and we cost a fortune to take care of her. Now we barely get by. I'm only 18, having 2 different part-time jobs while still studying at the university. Every work day starts at 5 A.M. and ends at 11 P.M with absolute exhaustion. I can't even save enough money for a laptop for my IT study and have been coding on phone since first year. I don't want to wake up in the morning anymore. Now I cry in my dreams and every morning. I wish my family was wealthier. I can't stand looking my parents cutting all the needs, while there's nothing I can do.
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self.offmychest
|
Obsessed with & terrified of my own death Is anyone else constantly preoccupied with their own death?
My lowest depressions always go hand in hand with existential crises, while I have felt (at the time) profound spiritual meaning while (hypo)manic. However, even when I’m at a relative baseline (though generally quite low most of the time) I am obsessed with my own death. I’m still on the fence about whether or not I believe in an afterlife, but I’m terrified that one doesn’t exist.
I can distract myself for a few hours at a time but the sense that my death is looming and completely inevitable haunts every action. I can’t put effort into long term things because they remind me of the pointlessness of it all, so I resort to instant gratification distraction. I get ‘triggered’ by beauty, meaningful things, love because I can’t help thinking, “so what, when I’m dead it might as well never have happened”.
I feel like I have the opposite problem to when stressed out people are told to “put things into perspective”. I have too much perspective - I measure every action in my life against the immeasurable void of non-existence and eternity after my death (if there is no afterlife).
Does anyone experience anything similar? Any tips? I can’t see a way out, except true faith. Thanks.
|
self.bipolar
|
A good friend committed suicide and I miss him... I am worried maybe I shouldn't. A very good friend of mine took his own life a few months ago. He was expecting twins with his wife. He was charged with having a distributing child porn, 2 images. He posted bail and killed himself. It has been extremely hard on me. I keep thinking this was all a big misunderstanding and he is innocent. I want to believe he is innocent. I dream about him often. I remember jokes he used to tell and the way he would make me laugh. I miss him. I worry that I miss someone of guilty of a horrific crime. It weighs heavy on my heart. I will never be able to ask the questions my heart yearns to get answered.
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self.offmychest
|
I never felt side effects of Zoloft till now. I have been taking Zoloft since last February. I started on 50mg and had very little side effects. A little nauseous here and there but it disappeared quickly.
I've had my dosage increased a few times and never really had any side effects.
Until I got it increased to 200mg.
I feel nauseous for hours, hot/feverish, emotional, headaches come and go, and my appetite has been weird. I have to remind myself to eat at least two meals. However, it's lately been 1 meal with a little snack during the day.
Anyways, anyone else had an experience like mine? Will the side effects go away? It's been maybe 2 weeks. I want to make sure that my dosage isn't to high.
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self.depression
|
Feeling really lonely right now I know it’ll eventually pass but it sucks right now. I don’t want to do anything anymore.
|
self.depression
|
Anyone else drop hints about their depression to others in the hopes that they’ll notice? I don’t have the courage to directly tell people I’m depressed, so I tell jokes and make memes that heavily feature suicide and depression, hoping someone will realize that these are actually cries for help. Anyone else do this?
UPDATE: Finally told my friends what’s going on. They seem to care about me, but they don’t quite seem to understand the concept of depression. Maybe they’ll start to realize if I open up to them more. It feels great knowing that they care about me, even if they don’t understand what I’m going through
|
self.depression
|
I avoid my responsibilities because of my anxiety, but avoiding my responsibilities makes me anxious.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Just got fired, my ex moved out of our home.. I'm legit all alone. I live 2500 miles away from where I grew up. My parents are low income so they can't help me. My ex just moved back to our home city, so now I am totally on my own. I've been searching for a job high and low but nothing so far. Rent is due in a few days as well as my car insurance, and I have no idea what to do. Does anyone know of any resources I can utilize until I can get my feet under me? I am seriously so lost. And sad. My bipolar disorder has once again started setting my life on fire.
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self.bipolar
|
NYE alone, depressed, dreading tomorrow. If I wake up. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Are there any jobs that are not suited to people who suffer from depression [deleted]
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self.depression
|
NYE by myself (21F Aus) I thought I had plans for NYE but they fell through, and now I’m getting drunk alone watching the celebrations on TV. I know it’s my fault but everyone else had plans and I didn’t want to burden them with my problems, so no one knows I’m alone and I can’t go watch the fireworks because I’ll be the weird lonely person.
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self.offmychest
|
keeping my mind off Driving around helps sometimes... I was living with a friend and I would just leave and drove for hours at times. I had just broken up with my girlfriend and it kind of helped? Still sucks. What do yall do to keep your mind off things??
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self.depression
|
35. No gf, losing career, life is a joke. [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
My ex died in prison... My ex-boyfriend died in prison in early October of this year.
I dated him 2006-2012. The young girl I was back in 2006, I met him while he was on the run, in South Sacramento. He was originally from Van Nuys, California but was staying with his dad and met him through my friend, his cousin. For maybe about three months, we dated and he ended up going to prison. So yes, my young and dumb self stayed with him for six years basically, while he was in prison. I loved him deeply and held him down as long as I could. He proposed to me through a letter on Valentine’s Day 2012. I said yes. He sent me the marriage papers shortly after that. I never filled them out.
Like I said, I was still young and decided to end the relationship because I no longer wanted someone who wasn’t there physically and not to mention, a convict. I felt like I needed to grow up, get out and just explore life alone without constantly supporting someone. Yes, it was selfish of me and I regret it so much today.
I still wrote him randomly throughout the years after that, just to check up on him but it wouldn’t go past two letters or so. He’d even write one of my best friends and would ask where I’ve been at. Those letters would go unanswered and I’d just usually write whenever I felt like it.
Last year, I decided to write him to see how he was doing, a random check up. He told me that he was getting out 2020 and if I would please consider letting him back into my life. I told him that I wasn’t interested in a relationship right now but I wouldn’t be mad if it happened. I was trying to push him away from me and force him to really think about what he would do for himself when he got out. He received his AA degree in prison and told me he was ready to see my smile and wanted to hear my laugh in person again, as a free man. I never let him think I was still inlove with him because again, I wanted him to think about himself and get his shit together.
This year was also a hard year for me, monetarily wise. I was homeless for a period of time and had no address for him to write. So whatever that was sent to me from him, never made it. Early October, I looked on the inmate locator site to see what facility he was in, so I can write because I finally had an address he could write me. The site said no one of that name was in the system. At that time, I panicked. The only reason why his name would be taken out of the system is if he’s dead or there’s a glitch.
So I called the hotline and the person working the hotline told me he was in the facility I already had his address for. I thanked the operator, wrote him a letter and sent it out the same day.
By October 30th, I was getting antsy because he usually writes back pretty quick. I decided to hop on Facebook and look at his brother’s profile to see if anything was posted about him. It just so happens, there was a funeral slideshow posted just a week prior, a long with the obituary article. I sobbed so hard that night. This literally means that my first instinct was right; about not finding him in the online system was because he was dead. Obviously, when I called the hotline, the operator KNEW that he was deceased, but of course it wasn’t his job to inform me of that. I cried about two weeks straight. I cry off and on as the days go by. He was dead already. He was dead October 6th. The funeral was October 23rd. I was too late.
What made me so pissed off though, is that I didn’t know how it happened. I follow the California Department of Corrections and Rehabilitation (CDCR) blog and they usually publish prison news such as, prison riots, inmates dying, inmates escaping and always just kept a look out for him because they always post of the likes. There was never anything published about him, ever. The nights I cried, I spent googling his name, looking for anything that would bring me closer to how he died. Nothing ever came up.
He did give me his dad’s address last year, just in case of an emergency. So I wrote his dad a letter, asking him to call me. I haven’t spoke to his dad since 2012, when I told him I was marrying his son. His dad called me a week after I sent the letter. He told me he remembered me and he appreciated the love and concern. He also told me, “they just released his body, they told us, he was found alone, dead in his bedroom,” in his broken English. I was literally shaking when he told me. He also kept repeating, “I know my son, I know him so well. He was going to get out in 2020 and live with me.” My heart shattered the rest of the pieces it was already in when I heard that. I couldn’t handle it. I thanked his dad for reaching out to me and cried in my car.
I knew something was wrong. My heart knew before my mind could process anything. Whether he’s in heaven or hell, I wonder if he’s waiting for me. I never had the chance to tell him that I’m still inlove with him. I don’t even know how he died. I don’t believe he committed suicide, as the prison is making it out to be. My love was murdered by CDCR and there’s nothing I could do about it...
Just thinking that I was pushing him away and not telling him I loved him makes my heart ache. I just push through my emotions now because I know he’s probably mad at me for crying so much. I know he would never want me to shed tears over him, but I can’t help it. The only man I have ever truly loved is gone. I was going to marry him, I was just waiting until he got out. He was only 31. He had a life to still live.. I am forever heartbroken.
If I knew he was going to go this early, I would’ve begged God to let me love him in slow motion...
“Why can’t I love you in slow motion, take my time, take away the pressure, on my mind, really get to know you, but rewind, I wanna love you in slow motion, why can’t I?”
-K. Pasian
(Sorry if this seems a bit scatterbrained, I just can’t handle my emotions tonight)
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self.offmychest
|
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