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I had a great Christmas - that's why I'm really depressed tonight So, I feel like I shouldn't be complaining - I had a really good Christmas with my family who I love, and it was a really nice day. We all spent the day together and I honestly couldn't think of a better Christmas.
Yet, I know it's over now. Spending time off from work and with my family is ending, and I'm going to go back to living alone, stuck at my job that I hate, and spending the vast majority of my life unhappy. I get a couple days a year where I feel truly happy, where I feel like I don't have depression, and the feeling when it goes away is so painful.
I feel horrible complaining about this, I know I should be grateful, but I feel like every time I have a nice day and it's over I end up sobbing by myself.
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self.depression
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the lyrics are true that living is easy with eyes closed [deleted]
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self.depression
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New year, new opportunities, still immobilized by depression. I've been making steady progress into getting out of this deep, deep hole I'm in... but it feels pointless. It's so damn hard when you are alone every single day. If it weren't for my family I would have not spoken to another human being for 3 months. I was hospitalized for depression, and about a month later due to illness. Despite this, I reached out to some people over text. I think this might have been a huge mistake. It all went well and I'm talking to these people regularly, but one of the people I reached out to was this fairly attractive girl who was in a long term relationship last time I saw her. Now she's single. We have alot in common but she is way more popular than me (not saying much, I have no "real" friends). I even asked her to meet up when I get back to school and she said yes. I know this means jack shit though, I get ghosted or treated like the ugly shit I am. I can't afford another crush or whatever feelings I might have for someone. It hurts too damn much. I know they are going to reject me, and I know I'm never going to meet up with them in person or mean jack shit to them. Christmas day also fucking sucked, and it should not of had. I am reasonably wealthy and got everything I wanted and more. I even gave all my "friends" a small something. I gave the girl I liked a small gift which I know is a terrible idea. It just screams "I have nothing to offer so I'm going to shower you with gifts". God I'm retarded. I think I'm going to kill myself before the year even starts. I don't want to try and fall flat on my face again like I've done my entire life.
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self.depression
|
Ever since my dad cheated on mom, I hated him. He doesn’t understand why I always take mom’s side when him and mom get into a fight.
I saw his facebook messages talking to his coworker sexually during high school and since then I hated him. There were suspicions in the past but no real evidence.
Now he’s whining like a little girl how my mom turned me against him.
I hate you. You’ve been an asshole to me all my life and you’re such a subtle liar and a smartass who thinks he’s the smartest person in the world.
I hate myself for starting cigarettes when you were ill. I was actually sad about your illness.
I hate you.
My depression started around when I saw that messages.
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self.offmychest
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I feel like I’m two different people Not like in a multiple personality disorder way, but some days I feel very little anxiety and act somewhat extroverted; while other days I feel extremely anxious and awkward. I desperately want to feel like my extroverted self all the time, but I don’t know how to preserve that. Is this an abnormal thing and is there something I can do to pacify my anxious, unapproachable behavior? Thanks!
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self.Anxiety
|
I will always feel anxious, with a sense of doom and dread. It's a miracle if things go "right" in any given day, and even when they do, I find something else to be worried or stressed about. It's never ending. Anyone relate?
|
self.Anxiety
|
Anybody else just spend all day sitting around thinking up conversations that'll never actually happen? Like, playing through what you and someone else would say in the event of some unlikely circumstance? Except, it seems likely at the time, that's why you're imagining what's gunna happen, but then it never does, because you don't ever actually talk to anybody, ever?
Me neither, haha...
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self.depression
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I can never wake up on time I always wake up hours late only to hate myself [deleted]
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self.depression
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I hate having it made, so I'm considering suicide [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Decided to try losing weight instead of killing myself. For some reason focusing everything I have to this one goal takes my mind off it. Usually doesn't last. But I feel good for the first time in months. For now this seems to work for some reason. So I'll enjoy it while it lasts.
Edit: missing word
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self.SuicideWatch
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You guys stay strong...But Im leaving... Hey...
So in times of extreme sadness I used to come here to relate to anybody...to feel like Im not alone...Thank all of you. Today Ive decided to take my life. I dont think I gave a terrible life but my brain cant handle this. I dont feel like I belong in this World and I dont think I will be happy...But I hope all of you can find this strenght that I couldnt find. Thank you again...and Goodbye....
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self.depression
|
Drug Habits are starting to hurt my academic life Im 17 now and a senior in high school. I started smoking weed when i was 16 just as a social thing with some close friends and we would usually get together once or twice a month to smoke and chill. It was all fine when it was with others until i ended up buying my own pipe this year and started having my own weed. As someone with depression it was just an easy way to make a bad day less shitty so eventually I was smoking almost every day and the only thing that would stop me was if I ran out of weed. It then started cutting into the spending cash I had because I was spending like a quarter of my paycheck on drugs every two weeks. Every time after I smoke I wake up super groggy and im often late to school which led to me getting a bunch of detentions for tardiness. Nobody other than my friends know I smoke and none of them know I think its a problem. My grades are starting to drop from As and Bs to Cs with a few Bs and I dont know if ill be able to stop. I've known that this is a problem for like two weeks but I just cant stop smoking.
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self.offmychest
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Give me one reason to not just overdose on pills [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I just...can't right now I was recently diagnosed as BP1 a few months ago, and because of all the med changes (being taken off Effexor and put on Lamictol) I haven't been able to do school at all. I'm going to talk to administrations soon to get a medical withdrawal, but I'm so terrified of what my parents are going to say...and my whole family too...
I don't know if they even believe I have BP. And taking a medical leave for a "made up" illness is not gonna go over well. They asked for proof, so I told them what all the psychologists said, but I'm still unsure because my aunt just sent me an email telling me not to post about it on FB (to my friends, to spread awareness and create solidarity, blah blah blah). She was also skeptical about the diagnosis and asked "where are your manic episodes?".
Idk what to do, or how to not be afraid of people's reactions. I feel like I'm going crazy, and that no one is taking mental illness seriously at all. I just turned 22 btw, junior in college, please help and thanks for reading
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self.bipolar
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I can’t seem to wind down and go to sleep. I wish someone could lay next to me and calm me down I think I’m going crazy. It’s a chore to sleep
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self.Anxiety
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I don't wanna wake up in the morning. I just want to sleep forever.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I just want to the numb feeling to go away. For probably the past two weeks I have been feeling the most depressed I ever have. I have diagnosed general anxiety disorder, but I haven't really ever experienced feeling depressed.
I think a big trigger was Christmas break, I left my house maybe twice for a week and a half. I am a teenager so I cannot drive yet, which makes me feel even more isolated.
I had a sort of budding relationship with one of the guys in my friend groups but that has lulled to a near complete stop, which has definitely added on top of the just general depressed mood because I really do like him a lot.
I have a few close friends who I know would listen to me and help me but I just feel like I am annoying them so much. I honestly don't know what to do with myself I just feel so unmotivated and sad, I can't get out of bed or get dressed.
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self.depression
|
I have actually been feeling pretty good lately It’s been SOOO long since I’ve felt good that I am actually surprised and feel like I don’t have bipolar (for the thousandth time).
What I’ve been doing differently:
No alcohol
Plenty of water and herbal tea
some mindfulness?
Taking meds EVERY FREAKING DAY, twice a day
What I’m struggling with:
A really shitty sleep schedule
No exercise
Eating enough, eating healthy
Stress
Hopefully it lasts!
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self.bipolar
|
My perspective changed in 1 minute and I can't handle it. I am a carer in a care home. I worked a night shift the other day and a resident died (this is pretty common in care homes). I washed the body like usual, with care. Put a nice clean shirt on and treated the man l as if he was alive. I guess I always detached myself from death, even when it was right in front of me I still didn't process it. I didn't think I was doing that, untill I wasn't anymore. Night shift, two undertakers come in to collect the body. It was around 3am and they left the door open. They aren't meant to I but since no one is around they didn't really care. They were chatting about something while they grabbed a black blanket type bag and dragged the man onto a surface with wheels. I was seriously shocked. Covered his whole body face in a body bag and just wheeled him away. I was about to get angry and tell them to be carefull when I realised.... he was dead. Death. Oh my god he's dead. Everyone who has died ended up like this at one point. I feel like I am grieving all the deaths in my life one go now. I will end up dragged and in a body bag, by two men who don't give a shit because they do it everyday. And they're not bad people, just desensitised to it or maybe it's how they cope. How can someone exist, and then just die? Death is weird.
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self.offmychest
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One of my clients "let me go" because my mom has cancer. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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How do I get out of my comfort zone when comforting others? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Feeling extremely overwhelmed I'm new to this sub Reddit and usually not very vocal about my anxiety. I've been dealing with panic attacks since my sophomore year of college which was 2013, so I've been dealing with this for a few years now. I got my BA and now I'm working a dead end job under a demoralizing boss. I'm not the talking type so a lot of the stress I have is coming over a period of time. I can go on and on about what fed into this growing stress, but I will say it stemmed from a friend passing from cancer. He passed in the summer of 2013 and few months later I experienced my first panic attack. Over the years it has gotten worse and now I'm at a point where I'm just unhappy with who I am and what I'm doing. I have a boyfriend who I absolutely love and does everything in his power to help me and I'm eternally grateful, but he can only do so much.
I'm not much of a talker but I needed to vent somewhere. Years of stress have been accumulating that I can't even cope with emotions. I've resorted in taking out my anger/stress on myself. Sometimes I punch my face and it resulted in bruise. Tonight I scratched at my face and now my face has scrapes all over. My parents don't understand why I'm doing this to myself. I can't even explain it clearly. I just did it out of impulse.
I'm sorry for the long post, but I feel lost and wish I had more control over my emotions.
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self.Anxiety
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I think I have a good support system now [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Your experience with meds? I just started double dosing [deleted]
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self.depression
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Can’t stand being like this I’m just so new to these feelings. Just last year I was telling myself there’s no way I’d get depressed.
I have this friend, who’s like also struggling with his own problems. I’ve sympathised with him a lot and I acknowledge that he has more baggage than me lol but the thing that bugs me the most is that whenever he reaches out, the support he gets is overwhelming.
I’ve been struggling with mental breakdowns almost everyday, like the loneliness keeps eating at me and looking at my friend like that just hurts so much more. I have a few close friends but they’re not the kind of people you can get emotional with. I love them and all but whenever I mention my sadness they just kinda go silent and change the topic. I wake up so many times at night. I’m so fucking lonely it hurts so much and I’m just so fucking jealous of the amount of love he gets and I apparently don’t have.
And I know I can’t tell my family I’m depressed without being told stuff like “You don’t, grow up.” etc etc and I’m living in a 3rd world Asian country where they don’t even take this stuff seriously. I have just a lot of acquaintances and some close friends and people like me and they see me as the most cheerful person in the world. The guy I mentioned above is also a close one, the only person I could confide completely about my depression and he sometimes reaches out to me too but I’d only feel lonelier looking at him. I’ve broken up with my ex for half a year but I can’t stop thinking about it and hell I see him with his new girlfriend everyday, so much happier and more intimate. I’m a huge fucking mess. Can’t even tell anyone I have problems since I look so happy on the outside. I also try so very very hard to please others, to be fucking nice and good but I feel like I’m being taken for granted and just “too nice” and used. Everyday I keep spiralling into this dark hole and sometimes I even get things like “You have it better than others” and it doesn’t fucking help just makes me feel even worse. I despise myself so much and I feel guilty every time I get positive emotions that it just pulls me right back. I’m also constantly scared that I’m doing things wrong, that people hate me, and the slightest of criticism strikes me so hard. I’d be so on edge like for example a dude pokes his head out of his car window and scolds me for being bad in traffic, it’d make me try so hard to swallow back tears.
Anyways, I just want a way out of this. Movies and books and memes just can’t keep me out of these feelings.
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self.depression
|
My girlfriend sold her body without telling me. Yeah. She just became a prostitute and tried to hide it from me. I constantly offer to help her with money and she denies it. She doesn't want me to worry about her. But she's ok fucking some random guy for a quick buck to pay for a downpayment on a car. I'm so confused and pissed and I don't want to get drunk because I don't want to be an alcoholic, so I'm posting here
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self.offmychest
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What is an easy way to commit suicide with household objects? [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I have a hard time understanding "sarcasm"? lately is this cause of anxiety? + I get anxiety for thinking I have every disorder possible [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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How do you cope with feeling excluded, particularly by someone you care about? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Exercising on meds Hi guys,
So i just got out of inpatient, and it was a great experience. My anxiety is not cured, but I finally feel like I can control my thoughts and live a normal life.
They prescribed me klonopin 3x daily. It works very well, but it causes me to become fatigued very easily, even when I take a brisk walk. The kind of fatigue where your heart rate skyrockets and you feel slumped.
I work out 4-5 times a week and I’m trying to figure out how to do this on klonopin. I know from experience that working out on benzodiazepines is HELL. But i really don’t want to give up my workout routine. Any ideas, or anyone with a similar experience?
Any advice is appreciated.
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self.Anxiety
|
What movie do you think most accurately portrays depression? I am recovering from depression and thinking how absurd this illness is. Here I am, a grown man, seemingly unable to do basic things like taking a shower or making a telephone call. I am thinking a dark comedy about depression would be fantastic — something along the lines of *Melancholia* directed by Michael Haneke. Are there any movies that you like?
For me the most accurate portrayal has to be *Dead Ringers* by Cronenberg. Early career success becomes blighted by failed individuation, drug use, and a failed love affair. A lecturer at our local medical school, who uses movies to illustrate mental illness, thought it was inaccurate, and over the top but I thought the squalor and chaos the protagonists' lives descend into was eerily true to real life. I get the feeling doctors don't do home visits any more.
You can watch the full movie on YouTube if you wish:
 
* [*Dead Ringers*] (http://youtu.be/873FfF-Wyeg) Cronenberg Dir. [1hr 55min]
* [Wikipedia link] (https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dead_Ringers_(film\)) to movie page
 
Any movies on depression (or depressing movies) that you you like?
 
Edit: A quick [Google search] (http://www.google.com/search?q=movies+depression+portray) turns up the usual suspects. Most of these seem too glossy, too animated, too Hollywood to reflect what depression really feels like.
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self.bipolar
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Killing myself after I EAS out of the Marines [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does life just feel like, "fake", to anyone else? I don't know how to describe it, but life just has this weird feeling like it's not what it seems to be, but I don't know what, and it makes me lose hope.
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self.depression
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I can’t stop crying My mom just give away my dog yesterday, I’m devastated and all I have been doing is crying all day
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self.depression
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Don't let tonight be a force of negativity, instead, see tomorrow as a blank slate. Nothing in your past will matter tomorrow when you wake up, the world is yours. You.just.have.to.get.out.there. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Texting So fucking annoying. People think that you should be available every fucking second of the day. God fucking forbid you don't answer immediately. Jesus Christ I'm so sick of it. And sending the same text more than once. Yeah, I got the first fucking one. I DO have a fucking life.
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self.offmychest
|
Rommie Legit Accused Us of Possessing Her and Her Partner Possibly triggering?
Has anyone else ever been accused of possessing someone?
I have my suspicions that she has such severe cognitive dissonance she has to project her issues onto us (myself and husband).
Hard facts are that she has now accused both of us of possessing her (and her partner-I don't know if they're legally married) legs, eyes, and even 'fucking her'. 'You know what you do [at night]'
'I don't know what you're talking about but we're not doing that.'
'You lie.'
Etc.
We locked ourselves in our bedroom when she claimed we're fucking her. She continued to knock on both of our doors and tell us to leave her/them alone. Not sure how us hiding in our room is us attacking her. Projection much?
We've vacated the house for now (my FIL is our landlord). Unfortunately FIL is out of town on holiday. Extra anxiety gift to me, having to fuck with his holiday relaxation and husband's few days off this week.
My brain obviously runs through all the worst case scenarios (as us anxious ones are wont to do) and husband helps level me out to realistic. Of course that makes me worry he's underestimating the situation.
I can flesh out more details but fuck it turns into a novella. Trying to relax and wait on family support down the road with cousin and canine therapy. wt[everloving]F
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self.Anxiety
|
I woke up this morning crying First time here but I don't know if this is the right place to post but I'm going to try. I have been suffering from clinical depression for years and some PTSD.
In my dream, I was in my ex boyfriends house. Lets call him Ryan. I walked around and nobody was at Ryans house. Then I heard a noise in the kitchen. I walked over to check it out and saw my rapist and ex boyfriend, Brad. Brad was making a huge mess and he was baking goods. I told Brad what the hell is he doing in Ryans house. He switch the question to me and asked me what the hell I'm doing in Ryan's house when he left me pregnant and broke up with me a year ago. I ignored the question and told him to get out. He said no and continue making a mess. I went over and threw his cooking in the ground and in the trash. He just laughed at me and brag in my face how much better his, he can do whatever he want, nobody likes me, nobody cares about me, I have no friends, ect... I cover my ears and told him to stop. He walked away but I follow him into Ryans room. He picked up all of the gifts I ever gave to Ryan and start breaking them. I cried and told him to please stop but he kept going. It hurt... I finally went up to him, pushed him and tell him to fucking STOP!! He laughed at me. I was upset but I stayed strong because I'm still holding on to something.
In the real world, I called my police department to finally report my rape that Brad did 10 months ago. The station believed me, months went by, my detective wire me, I called my ex, and he confessed to the rape on the phone. When it happen I was in a relationship with Ryan but was still friends with Brad. I never cheated on Ryan and I was madly in love with him. I was helping Brad move out of our apartment (I don't live there but the lease was still under my name). Around 4 a.m Brad convinced me to spend the night. I didn't want to do it but because it was late I thought a nap was good. Around 6 a.m I woke up feeling "funny". My panties and shorts where down and Brad was behind me rubbing my vagina and a little bit of his penis went inside me. I woke up, cried, grab my stuff and left the apartment. On the day, he called me said he was sorry. I asked why did he do it. He said that he was "Trying to be cute" and he "didn't want to tramatized me". During the wire phone call he said things that break my heart. "I have feelings for you and you were leading me on". He also said "He didn't have sex with me and all he did was rub me". He won't admit that he pushed a litttle bit of his penis in. He talked to me like if I didn't know how to tell if I'm being penetrated. Those words echo in my head every single day because it hurt and remind me of his mainpulation.
Back in the dream world. I was holding onto my justices. The hope that one day, Brad will go to jail. That I can get my closure and move on. I wanted to scream in Brad face "I CALL THE COPS ON YOU AND YOURE GOING TO JAIL!!!". But I keep my mouth shut. I looked at all of Ryan's broken gift and said to Brad. "I got a secret but I'm not going to tell you". Brad then said back to me "You mean your stupid attempt to send me to jail for rape? Yeah, I just told the department that you were into me and leading me on and you were asking for it. They drop all charges and nobody likes you and care about you". I dropped onto my knees and bawl. I saw a knift next to me and pick it up. I ran after Brad and he was laughing his ass off and running faster then me.
I woke up.
I felt like my world have fell apart. Dream Brad is right about me. I recently lost my job, no friends, and I have not heard from my detective about my case after the confession. I don't know what else to say...
To everyone who have taken their time to read this. Thank you.
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self.depression
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My life would be screwed if anyone knew this was my account [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Panic Attacks vs. Anxiety Attacks: what is the difference? I’ve had quite a few panic attacks, but sometimes I enter a weird prolonged state of anxiety. I was wondering if I have been experiencing anxiety attacks too, but searching on the net, I can’t see clear differences in definition between the two. So what does it feel like to have an anxiety attack? Is there someone who suffers from both conditions who can draw a clear distinction between the two?
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self.Anxiety
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Very anxious about going to work today I have a meeting this afternoon and I’m already anticipating it’ll go very badly. I can already picture myself panicking and crying at work and having to go home. Trying to take deep breaths...
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self.Anxiety
|
Miss the freedom of hypomania Sometimes I remember my brief stints of hypomania and miss the feeling that I got. It’s like I understood the world perfectly. My mind was free and I had the freedom to act however I chose without any anxiety. There was no fear. That’s it. I miss being fearless. The world held no power over me.
These days I’m super stable but also super anxious. I miss the high.
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self.bipolar
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Fuck school Fucked up like 2 tests badly before thanksgiving, and will fuck up another 2 this week. I was doing gold in school but I’m just slowly getting worse and worse. Without school, life might actually be slightly bearable
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self.depression
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Freezing anxiety attacks DAE get really cold when they have an scientific attack or is it just me?
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self.Anxiety
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I feel so beside myself right now. I thought I was on the upswing. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I'm crying like Trisha Paytas only she has a life. Hi, guys. It's 2:00 a.m.
I can't go to bed. I'm holding back tears and typing slowly so my family doesn't wake up. I'm tired of all this shit and I just wanna let go and float off into the cold, icy water like Jack on Titanic. I just want to close my eyes, let go, and fly to wherever I'm headed.
It's been a full week and a day since I had a massive mental, nervous breakdown at work. I was a Cashier, as usual, working for my 11.50 an hour, when I started to feel depressed. (It happens a lot, I have Bipolar Disorder and have for four years now) Then, a customer came up who wanted his chicken discounted, and when I wouldn't, he reported me to my manager for being rude. Normally, I'm fine with that; it happens all the time with jerks or assholes. Some people just wanna watch what happens if they report us. But this time, with my life in its present situation, I broke down shaking, crying in my blue vest, on the concrete with my manager watching with this now horrified man as I devolved into a husk. I've had a nervous breakdown a year ago, and it was worse than this, but this one still kills me. They sent me home, and I took four days off. Still, now, I am doing okay - but that's it.
I've been there eight months and am the longest cashier to stay there by far. I've trained literally everyone on my level and watched them all leave, one by one. What caused my breakdown (it's been building for two months) was the death of two of my relatives, my job being threatened twice over sales, my physical health worsening and my family life declining, as well as my friendships.
My dad is worried that I'm gonna kill myself because I find no pleasure in anything, even eating anymore. I ate a box of lucky charms all of today, and I have been sleepless for four days now. I feel scared and hopeless.
I'm afraid if I quit my job I won't be able to find another one or a good one at that, and that I'll be a failure. I don't even recognize the man in the mirror anymore. I feel like a husk of a human. I'm 19 and ready to die if I got the chance.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My first Reddit post because I'm helpless I've been an anonymous lurker of this sub for a long time and finally decided to create an account to seek help from the internet because the people around me aren't helping and/or are oblivious.
I've been depressed for the longest time but right now its the worst its ever been. I have a gf and I love her but my brain just wants me to leave her and shut myself in. On the other hand, my conscience tells me its not fair to her. In the end I end up having constant dreadful obligations of hanging out and do "coupley" stuff just because. It's also made worse by the fact that she doesn't understand whats up with me.
What should I do?
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self.depression
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Recently diagnosed with Bipolar, wondering if I should tell my ex. [deleted]
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self.bipolar
|
Sodium is in everything! I feel like food is a no win situation sometimes. Too much salt can cause high blood pressure and too much sugar can cause diabetes. I like to keep track of the calories that I eat everyday in myfitnesspal. Even sodium levels. Is salt really that important to keep track of? Salt is just about in every type food that I enjoy. and its tough just to keep sodium level intake under 2,000 mg a day. And why the hell does soy sauce have so much salt in it?! I always get whatever low sodium food I can at the grocery store and have even cut out certain meat products. Might as well just eat plain old boring raw veggies the rest of my life.
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self.offmychest
|
I'm proud of my C, damn it. I just need to say that.
I came by that C in what will probably be the hardest math class of my major while going through a divorce and going back to work. I had two major autoimmune flares that screwed with my retention and recall capabilities pretty bad. I commuted 2+ hours a day. I took care of my son.
As an otherwise nearly straight A student, I just need to say that yeah, this C is gold in my book. I can handle this new life of mine.
Edit: YOU ALL are gold. Thank you for the good feels and encouraging words. This is my end of the semester party for sure. Cheers to you, lovely people.
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self.offmychest
|
R.i.p This new year has helped me realize that im not depressed because im lonely, im depressed because i have depression, which means it will never go away. Also realized im to pussy to kill myself so i will just continue rotting till i die. Feelsbadman
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self.depression
|
Depression after moving out So I've just moved into my new room a couple of months ago to start university. I'm 22 yo and don't live in an english speaking country so I'm sorry if my grammar is funny lol... anyway,
My hometown is a 4 hour drive away from this city so I do try to visit as often as I can, at least once a month.
I really miss my friends and family, I miss my pets, I miss someone waiting for you at home... it's just so depressing returning to that empty room after a busy day. I do have a few friends who live in the same area but we're all incredibly busy which makes meeting up with them difficult. Even if I do have a good time, the negative feelings return the moment I return to my apartment.
I've thought about seeking help but I wonder if that's even possible with my busy school schedule. Most people here don't take mental health seriously so I'm very afraid to tell my teachers as well. I do really enjoy uni so I don't want to drop out, but I just feel so depressed living in this city.
When I still lived with my parents and sister I just distracted myself when I was anxious, I played games or talked with family members. My family also thinks depression is a joke so they have no idea how bad I feel right now and I think they'd be very disappointed if I dropped out as well.
Is there any way to cope with living alone? I always see people talking about all the freedom they get, but honestly I can't relate. All I do is studying and when I have time to do something fun, my friends are busy with something else. I sometimes also feel like they're not taking my mental health seriously, I feel so lost.
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self.depression
|
Do you ever disagree with your therapist? Do you ever disagree or "disobey" your therapist? It's happened to me a couple times, and I'm not sure whether I'm doing the wrong thing/resisting treatment, or if they're the ones that are in the wrong.
It mostly happens when I feel like she wants to change my personality. I'm a very organized, perfectionist person, and she doesn't like it. I understand she wants to help me beat anxiety by not being so uptight, but I've always been an organized person, and I think it's one of my best qualities (never miss a deadline, always on time, etc).
Then she also doesn't like that I'm really into fiction and that I'm very imaginative. I've always been into series/movies/books about fantasy, super powers, magic, etc. Sometimes I even daydream of being a character in one of my favorite series. She doesn't like it because my paranoia and delusions feed on that. That's why she's told me I shouldn't watch more than 1-2 series at a time (I'm currently watching around 15 between TV shows and anime...).
I always say "OK, I'll try that", but I never do because I don't want to. I understand that I'm still in the beginning of my recovery and that she wants to be careful with what I do while I'm still somewhat unstable, but I feel like she's taking all of the fun out of life. And now I feel like I'm lying to her, especially when she says she's happy with how well I'm doing.
What do you do when you're in this situation? Do you try to do what they say anyway? And if you don't, do you tell them? Do you try to find a middle ground?
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self.bipolar
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I feel like every day I live is a waste I feel like when I'm motivated to do something, I'm immediately met with the stark re-realization that I can't do that; I'm not good enough. I've wanted to write music for quite some time now, lyrics specifically, and every line I write just gives me more of the feeling that "no, I'm not any good at this. Why did I delude myself into thinking I could?". I've had people read a couple things I've written, and they said it was good, but I can't tell if it was more to be pleasant than anything else. Or if they were nice to me, that they could potentially get something from me. I can't play any instrument for longer than 10 seconds, as it sounds awful, and makes me wish I never picked it up in the first place. I just want to be good at something, then maybe somebody would like me. If it weren't for Alex Turner I'd never do anything ever, I'd probably be dead. As it is, I see myself as this lecherous being that everyone would be better without. Please, somebody talk to me, I promise I won't force my writing on you.
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self.depression
|
Probably should kill myself. Everyday I keep telling myself I should die. I know I'm a fool and fools have no place in this world. I'm almost 25 and I have nothing to show for it. I want to try school again, but I'd probably screw up again. I don't have any friends. I've never had any real physical contact with another human being. But what bothers me more than anything is that I'm just bored of everything. Nothing seems to excite me anymore. There's just no drive for me to go out and do anything.
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self.SuicideWatch
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So at 36 I have cut myself for the first time. And someone has found out. *Trigger warning* I don't know what I'm asking here, just wondered if any other cutters or people who knew them would share something. For me I feel awesome that I'm showing outwardly what I'm feeling inwardly in a way they can finally understand. Also the endorphines or whatever although that is short lived.
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self.depression
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Hey, thought I'd let you guys know I'm going to try and ask out this cute girl from work tonight. Wish me luck:)
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self.Anxiety
|
Communism was better Why? One simple reason, money does not rule this world. If tobacco industries or alcohol industries go bankrupt, who cares. If morphine is forbidden, I don't see any reason why alcohol or tobacco isn't forbidden. Perhaps the only reason morphine is forbidden is because it makes the user sedated? If you think about it, libertarianism is crooked. Anyway, the USSR invented so much things you have never heard of, like surgical staplers used in thoracotomy just as one example
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self.offmychest
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I think I really hurt myself this time I took too much of something yesterday. The area around my lower rib cage / liver is hurting a lot. I keep dry heaving.
if I think to myself 'what if I really did?', it doesn't affect me. it feels like relief. it feels like finally. it feels like it is the only real choice I can make.
And if I did, if this is real. I don't like that it will affect my family. I never wanted to do this to hurt anyone. I just wanted to stop feeling pain that doesn't end, doesn't diminish, grows worse with time and new attempts to heal, must be kept silent, is offensive or taboo to speak of, and so on. Everything that puts me in a state of pain while demonizing me for not allowing accepted forms of help to help me. In the absence of a real solution, telling me that living like this is my choice. Judging me like I choose to feel emotional pain. Judging me for not blindly believing in something that I don't understand nor find helpful to apply.
I just expect to be blamed and demonized and hatred. anger, disdain, disapproval, mockery directed at my corpse. a coward. I couldn't tolerate it. I can not keep living with emotional pain I can not heal.
And I am tired for being ridiculed for suffering, while being told I choose it. If I knew how to not feel it in a way that wasn't obnoxiously demanding, entitled, and selfish I would. But I don't. So I hate myself, can't heal myself, can't change myself, and essentially just judge myself in whatever negative light I can, while trying very hard to cast that same light on everyone around me.
I'm not a bad person. I'm just in a lot of pain, and in a situation I can't find a way out of.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I made a big step. My dad emotionally abused me my whole life. I have symptoms of ptsd and suffer from anxiety. I'm on meds and go to a therapist. I have a very supportive family and friends.
He does not live with me and the rest of the family. He did the same to my mother. She got an order of protection and divorced him recently. Whenever I speak to him it's like I'm walking on eggshells. He made me grow up a nervous wreck of a human being. I'm constantly nervous.
He's very manipulative and it goes through a cycle.
Things are fine - > he's manipulative - > I panic - > he acts like nothing happened - > I give in and do nothing.. And repeat.
A few days ago, I made the decision to completely cut him off. He was bullying me (not getting into whole story). Then I texted him I am done with him stepping all over me and treating me like garbage. I am done speaking to him.
First way to become independent of him is to become independent financially.
The cellphone plan and my car are under his name.
I went to the store and got my own cell phone plan with a new number.
This weekend I am getting my own car.
I will become financially independent from him. He can't hang anything over me. And I am determined to never speak to him.
I feel guilty and highly anxious but Im assured that will pass.
I know that cutting off the root of my anxiety will ultimately help me. He is the root.
Edit :
Regarding the guilt... I have tried many many times in the past to heal my relationship with him but that abusive cycle repeats over and over. I need to break that cycle.
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self.Anxiety
|
It's been a tough year, a tough few months, and a tough day. This year, I finally had my mental illness diagnosed. I know I have depression, anxiety, OCD, and PTSD... and I finally faced the underlying diagnosis recently. It's been tough.
This entire year, I've been slipping up. I have always been distant with my family. Recently, I've been losing myself and my friends, and I have no one to blame but myself (and my mental illness).
It's a few hours from the New Year where I'm at. I tried so hard to not fuck up this past week. I've cried every other night. Right now, I'm alone, crying inconsolably in a bathroom.
2017 has been really tough for me.
I wrote this to feel less alone. Thank you for reading.
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self.offmychest
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Literally I don't know what to do in life. I never graduated High School, I failed college thinking I was going to be a hero. I got denied by MEPS while trying to enter and serve the US. When I try to run a business, it fails.
Most likely I do know things in IT, but apparently it's not enough to grant me candidacy towards a good job. I was used 3 times by cheating girls .I know how to program Python. But after trying.. sometimes I just myself "Who am I fighting for?, or "What am I fighting for" I have done self-harm before..a while back. Why was I brought to this world where everyone and everything just locks their door at me and I have no keys left to open those doors.
Sometimes I wish "If I was an anime, I want to be the strongest" Iam starting to lose hope.
I have a Christian mom, that thinks "God comes first than her family" (...harsh), my father just lowers his head in disappointment. Me, I don't know what to do in life.
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self.depression
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My Drunk Father Strangled me on New Years Eve. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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My story, trying to find help. Hello,
I am a male 50 years old, I have a rare progressive brain disease (from birth) called ADCA-SCA1. This disease will rob me of all bodily functions (related to HD) and it also made me 100% unemployable. I used to work for a high-tech company.
I noticed already more then 10 years ago that my body isn't working as it should be. I got addicted to Marijuana partly to cope with this, it gives some rest and acceptance, but it probably cost my career and made me an "einzelganger" (lonely and a-socialized) now I think this addiction gave me life that wasn't pleasing. I think I made the wrong choice.
I think I am depressed, I involve everyone and everything on myself and my situation, that everybody will outlive me. I also have problems with sleeping and I had anxiety or panic attacks (it affects my breathing) for the first time in my life. I have a very short attention span. I was on Reddit most of the times, but I can't do that anymore.
I have now a 2 weekly talk with a specialized psychologist, I don't expect to get rid of it, but to get it under control. I want to get rid of the negative train-thought, because I think this is the base of my depression. When I can't get to sleep I play a game like solitaire and listen to sleep inducing "music".
Thank you for your time reading this.
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self.depression
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how do i continue living such a pathetic existence [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I love my fiance, and am beginning to really really like my coworker. WHY [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Deal breaker in relationship? I love my SO very much and have recently started to have some relief from my anxiety/depression which persisted for about 8 months of living together.
I still have moments of extreme irritability when he is running late, or when plans change at the last minute. These are some of my most severe triggers and usually causes me to get helpless about probably having to wait around for my SO my entire life... and fears that he doesn't care about me/ or is so self engrossed with his career and needs to understand my experience.
I become an evil version of myself and i spew terribly cruel things to him when my anxiety acts up and this only serves to push him away. He has a difficult time understanding that i need him to validate my experience instead of seeing my "anxiety excuse" as a crutch. Most times i feel like he exacerbates the situation.
He is someone who is very calm, self assured, and secure within his relationships. I suffer from having anxious attachments (friends, family and SO) although i do have many friends. I have difficulty processing my emotions, and being able to self soothe. I have seemingly out of nowhere mood swings and panic episodes that i can usually recover from quickly but often end up dragging my SO down with me who does not recover quickly from the overcast shadow i cast on him.
I know that our dynamic will continue to trigger my anxieties because of the nature of his work but for some reason I cannot let go of him because i truly feel that he is the love of my life. I'm optimistic about being able to manage and improve my coping mechanisms over time but I find it hard for him to understand my experience and get him to react to me in a helpful way. Do you think this is a deal breaker?
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self.Anxiety
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Since when did people become so careless and cold... I told you I was suicidal last night...
You were so mean and hurtful in your reply.
What happened to us, i thought we were best friends....
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self.SuicideWatch
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Sleeping 4 hrs I generally only sleep about 4 hours every night, on a good night. Most nights I wake up every two hours and roam around the house for about an hour or so and then go back to sleep. The cycle repeats throughout the night until I finally get up around 5:30-6am. It sucks but I’ve gotten used to it. Normally I have enough energy to go about my day. I am bipolar and a whole mix of other things. If I find myself struggling during the day, I take a 15-20 minute nap and that usually does the trick. Btw, I’m currently not on any medication, by choice.
How is your sleep?
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self.bipolar
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Anxiety, Mindfulness and Self Talk "People are anxious because they don’t have a good echo-feedback system. How can you hear your intuition speaking to you—it’s a very quiet whisper—if you have so much anxiety? It’s like having this radio station that is on static constantly.” Jewel
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self.Anxiety
|
The monthly spill Yes I'm still hung up on you three years later.
Why did you have to cheat on me? I just want to get past this. I want to forget about you, and how inherently shitty everyone else is. I want to stop being so lonely. I want to open myself up to someone, but nobody wants someone who can't trust anyone. Even when they do want me, I can't trust them and push them away. I can't leave behind the intrusive thoughts that tell me everybody is lying to me. I've lost most of my friends, I hate meeting new people now, and I'm just so miserable all the time. I wish I had someone to listen to me when I'm sad. I don't have a single person in my life that I can open up to, without being one upped.
I feel so pathetic all of the time, day dreaming of ways I could get you to remember how much you love me. Would you believe me now if I told you I'm still in love with you? You didn't believe me when we were together. Maybe it was because I had a hard time showing it, maybe you were too self conscious and couldn't believe anyone could love you, maybe you were too paranoid about your own trust issues to believe anything I told you
Everyone has told me to just go out and date other people. I fucking have. I've tried dating, I've gone out and fucked girls I don't know, I've had unreciprocated love from someone I didn't care about. But I don't feel a fucking thing with anyone, and every one of them is just a medium for me to imagine they're you.
I want to be okay, I want to feel loved, I want to have someone there for me. I don't need you to fix me, I just want someone to share my life with. I want you to see how good I am, how far ive come, and all the good I've done. I've grown so much and I'm so much better now, but you'll never see me.
I just want to go home with you. I'll forget about everything and leave everyone behind just to have you back. But I know you don't even think of me anymore. You'd probably laugh at my attempts to contact you so I don't. I've done so good for so long but damn it, it just never ends
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self.offmychest
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Depressed, lonely, angry, confused, and all around defeated. Warning, life story incoming. I know no one will read all of this, but I need to type it up just so I can get it out of me for once.
I guess this all started when I was very young. My parents were/are narcissists and never seemed to pay much attention to my sister or me. I never had any hobbies they supported or attempted to get me involved in, and they really seemed to be trying to get my sister and me out of their hair so they could deal with their own issues. They let us pretty much run wild from the age of 6 up, and I got into a lot of trouble most of the time because I was never supervised. I remember when I was about 9 years old, I actually realized how fucked up everything was. My sister hated me for being born and she blamed me for our parents not paying attention to her at all, conveniently ignoring the fact that I got the same treatment. I realized my dad was looking at porn on his computer (dialup days) a lot and would spend tons of time on there ignoring us all and "chatting" on AOL chat rooms. My mom was experiencing severe depression because she never wanted kids and my dad "convinced" her to do it against her better judgement. According to her, she never even wanted to get married, let alone have kids. While most of this I found out later, by nine years old I felt/experienced enough dysfunction to realize nothing would ever be good for me. So, I tried to hang myself in an alley in my neighborhood. There was a tree growing right behind a fence that someone had left a rope tied to from an old tire swing. I used the fence to climb up high enough to wrap it around my neck and tied it off the best I could. I dangled for 20-30 seconds and blacked out a little before it broke and I fell down. I felt scared and defeated and went home. After this, life changed a lot and yet nothing seemed to change.
We moved around a lot after this as my dad changed careers and we ended up moving out of state. So now I didn't even have the one or two childhood friends in my neighborhood to hang out with, and I was always just outside of the tight circle of friends. I made a few friends in high school, but I talk to only one or two of them still and now even they're drifting away as they have kids and careers. High school was basically just your usual stressful daily gauntlet of dealing with horrible judgmental assholes, nothing unique. I discovered I could skip 90% of classes and still pass, and I spent most of the time skipping school to play video games or sleeping in my car in hidden locations around town. Looking back, I was pretty severely depressed even then. I felt like I was wasting my time and I had no direction in life. When high school ended, my parents had never even discussed what I was planning to do afterwards. They sat me down the week after graduation to give me the option of going to college or moving out and finding a job. I opted for college since I had a good enough GPA for a full ride to an in-state school.
I was very depressed in college. I seemed normal from the outside probably. I even had a girlfriend and some high school friends in the same dorm, but I never went to class much and I spent most of my time once again playing games, trying to escape enough to forget that I was so confused and directionless. This is when things really started to go off the rails.
I dropped out of college and moved out of state because I was convinced what I needed was a change of scenery and you know, the grass is always greener. I ghosted my girlfriend (which I am still horribly guilt ridden over) and moved away. I got a series of jobs, decent ones, but nothing you'd call a career. I got in decent shape, and I reconnected with a girl I always had a crush on in middle school. Things seemed to be working out, I was so deeply in love and I felt like even without direction in life, I had someone to share things with for once.
Well, my girlfriend and I were not exactly mature enough to be moving in together, but we did. Things started going downhill faster. I was trying to be the savior for her since she came from a very poor family and had no support system. I ended up going into a lot of debt and I started having the same problems I did in high school and college, missing work a lot and feeling aimless, directionless. I got fat and had issues with stress. I couldn't explain to her that although she made me so happy, I was miserable with my life, and I didn't know how to express any of this. Maybe at the time I didn't even realize it and I thought she was making me unhappy. At this point I was severely in debt and too scared and immature to tell her this, and so I decided I needed to move back home to once again start over. I figured that I would never be good enough for her anyways, so she'd be better off without me in the long run.
I left town and I was still miserable, only now I missed her too and felt like I was making the wrong decision every time I had a decision to make. It was like I was destined to break everything I touched. She visited me out of state and that week I felt so happy, but I think she was already seeing someone else back at home at that time. I started to realize that I was losing her after she went back home and I began to panic, thinking I would never find a girl I loved like her ever again. So, after a year and a half, I went back again. This time I had no job and was living in a rat hole apartment for $350 a month. Somehow, she still wanted to hang out with me and spent a lot of time at my place, practically living there after a while although we weren't physically involved and things were just... super weird between us. Finally we got drunk and hooked up and then we were basically dating again. I got a decent job at a great workplace, but without much room for advancement or pay growth (very middle class job). Bla bla bla, things were up and down, I found out she hooked up with someone when I was out of town, but at this point we were pretty much passed it and it didn't blow anything up too bad. Meanwhile I convinced myself that no matter what, I couldn't cut and run again. I had to stay in one place and try to fix my fucking life. I got a decent apartment, I had a great work schedule, and I was feeling less like I was doomed to die alone. I thought that I finally started making good decisions.
So here's the final chapter I guess. Because of all the moving around, I lost 99% of my friends. I know one person in this city and he moved 45 minutes out of town with his wife and has two kids, so I never see him. My girlfriend ended up getting tired of the up and down and felt like she needed a change for once, so she actually moved to a city about an hour and a half away. We were visiting back and forth when we could, but I felt things changing and I knew based on her physical affection that she was either seeing someone else or emotionally involved with someone else on and off. She was working as a bartender while I was helping to support her financially with plans to move there eventually too. She got drunk one night, there was a cute barback where she worked, etc. She got pregnant while we were off-again/on-again and I was still financially supporting her while she was out of town. I offered to help raise the kid if she wanted to move back, but she made it clear she wanted to make it work with this guy. They got married, had another kid. That was about 8 years ago.
I'm still here, working the same job. I'm in my early/mid thirties, fatter, lonelier, and I have no friends at all. I started developing skin and nail issues that turned out to be psoriasis, which basically means I have an incurable auto-immune disease that makes me get red scaly patches on my legs/arms/scalp that are super gross and require constant application of creams/sprays to manage, and my nails grow pitted and yellow. I don't go out except to go to work. I have a shitty one bedroom apartment and I don't make enough money to buy a house. My parents divorced and live on opposite ends of the country, 2k miles from eachother and 1k miles from me in two different directions. My sister and I haven't spoken in over 10 years and my parents each call me maybe twice a year. Everyone else in my family is dead. I don't even have a home to go back to anywhere. I spend the holidays alone or house sitting for work colleagues who have pets and actual families to visit. I think about my ex every day. She's on my mind constantly and I beat myself up about it literally 24/7. I heard through the grapevine that it didn't work out with that guy, and she's in school again. I feel like I ruined her life and my life. I feel like I'll never get married or have kids, never have a real family ever again. I'm not passionate about my job, I just like fixing problems as that's all I've ever liked and it gives me the opportunity to do that. I'm so bored and I feel like my emotions are all over the place all the time. I read the same books over and over and watch the same shows/movies over and over. I don't even know why. I feel completely stuck.
The worst part is, I keep making it halfway back to something functional and then I fall down again. About two years ago I lost a good deal of the weight I had put on, my psoriasis was improving, and I was talking to a girl; things seemed hopeful. Then we ended up being super physically incompatible and I got really depressed because my ex and I were 110% sexually compatible and once again I felt like I had lost something I would never find again. I went off my depression meds, put the weight back on, back to square one. Now it's even worse than before. I feel like I'm in a pit and can't pull myself out. My emotions flip every 12 hours. I feel hopeful and then I wake up and feel like a fat dysfunctional loser and want to bury my head in the sand again. I go to the doctor and tell them that I need something to help clear my skin up so I can go to the gym so I can lose weight so I can feel better so I can make changes and they change one or two things and it never works, never amounts to anything. The only thing keeping me holding on at all is my job, because I feel obligated to keep doing it. Everyone at work loves me and they are always impressed with my work ethic. It's literally all I have, and even that makes me miserable.
I know this is my entire life story, and I left out SO MUCH but I hope this gives some idea of what I'm going through. I just needed to type at least some of this out, to at least make some sense of what happened to my life. I feel like it's too late for me to change things and while I don't think about suicide a lot, I do wish I could stop existing or even better, never have been born. I wish I had the courage to kill myself, because every day is basically an exercise in torture for me. I feel like I'm in Hell. I feel like going to sleep or screaming at the top of my lungs at every moment. Happy new year everybody.
TLDR: Fucked my life up.
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self.offmychest
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Why do I always fuck up when it is seemingly impossible to fuck up? like how
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self.depression
|
How to have a future when you hate yourself? Having a good career, studying, working hard, asking for a promotion. How do you do any of those things when your mind goes 'it won't work, you're not good enough, there's no point, no one will hire you, you should kill yourself, the world would be better without you, you are useless'?
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self.depression
|
How to realize when I’m feeling anxious? I have OCD and anxiety, and I was wondering how to realize when I’m feeling anxious. Some days I do things I don’t even realize and my therapist thinks it’s anxiety related. How do I realize when I spiraling down into anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
|
Harsh negative voice that says I’m different and don’t deserve good things in life I’ve been in therapy for awhile now, and it has helped, probably imperceptibly over the years. But there is something that, after all this time, I just can’t seem to convince my brain of. Self love
Even when I go through the motions, eat well, exercise, practice positive self talk, I fall back into this place where I don’t believe life has much meaning and neither do I; that I’m a fluke to exist, and there’s no reason to get a big head about my life as a random occurrence in the universe. It feels like others have a different internal relationship, at least from the outside. It’s not just about feeling inferior, or superior. Or feeling depressed.
It’s something more ingrained, maybe stemming from childhood and this feeling that I was a burden on family, especially my mom. Not just a burden, but that I wasn’t good enough for her somehow, that my needs for love could not be fulfilled because she would reject my advances. My therapist says it is early childhood trauma and I don’t doubt it, but the process of releasing the memories is confusing and hard. I often feel like reality is surreal since in some ways I lived 33 years with a mindset and beliefs that just aren’t true. Like that I’m a horrible monster and outsider who is unlovable bc I’m different than others- too robotic, too sensitive, too wrong. Like I don’t deserve love bc I inherently think or perceive the world in a way that is different from how others want me to.
It feels like I cannot love myself, because to do so would leave me feeling very lonely and alone, or resented by other people; especially other women. I’d have to let go of some imaginary desire from years past to be loved and taken care of in my vulnerable moments. Or maybe, let go of a false belief that to make myself smaller makes the world easier or better for others, like it did with my mom.
Of course this is all not ok. I’d give anything to feel what others feel, a sense of their own purpose and belief in themselves and inherent “humanness”. I can believe in my capabilities and other things, but I can’t seem to believe that I’m inherently good or lovable or worthy of life. Even after years of developing traits that could be considered this way, it’s hard.
My husband is constantly baffled all these years of why I put myself down and beat myself up internally. And i just don’t know how to explain it; only that doing the opposite feels so uncomfortable and wrong that it’s difficult to change.
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self.depression
|
Rejection Aftermath Anxiety It's been 4 years now, but I still can't get over that feeling of rejection.
She was my friend, I remember being the happiest ever when she first called me a friend. That was mostly due to the fact that I had a crush on her 3 years beforehand. I could hardly hide how flustered I was around her, and it was a surprise to no one that I'd ask to dance with her during our little middle school graduation. What really surprised me was how terribly it went, the whole situation went down somehow worse than my worst prediction.
She called me grotesque, and flinch even as I approached her when I thought perhaps I misheard. She definitely called me that alright, amongst other things, as I then found out my so-called friends recorded the whole thing, even the part where I went and cried in the washroom. So for the rest of the school-year, my nickname was just "Rejected",I don't talk to most of my old schoolmates anymore.
I went to find her on the very last day of middle school, I knew she was often one of the last kids in school, and I knew exactly where she would be standing. Our last conversation there wasn't really a conversation though, more like a trial, as I begged for her to talk to me, and to acquit me of my crimes, but she didn't even look at me when I stood in front of her.
The summer after was a period of suicidal thoughts that maybe wasn't so serious, but definitely still took a toll. I'd like to think that I've moved on from that point, however. I got a grip on myself with the help of family and tried a bunch a new things during my first year in Highschool, things my friends did like Taekwondo or the violin, but I really found myself in history books, chess, and Fencing.
With a new found goal for self improvement, I received a few stares from girls and even some pursuers! So the next logical progression is to ask someone new out on a date right? So I did! She was from Geography class, she was pretty, and she was flattering, but I didn't like her. On our first date, I didn't show up.
So what's wrong with me? Well, I hadn't stopped thinking about my old crush, even days before the first date, I was still in bed thinking about my old crush, and not a single bubble of this new girl popped in my head. She was still in my memory against my best wishes, and I realized that I was using this new girl to simply get over the old, that I didn't like Ms. Geography.
How could I really move on though? Ms.Heartbreaker goes to my school, and we deliberately avoid each other, it's terribly ironic as although I want to forget her, I know what classes she has and what paths she takes without ever asking or searching. All this effort is just to avoid a passing glance, as every time we cross eyes, I would be back in suicidal summer for even just a few nights.
I want to move on, and I've determined exactly what I want in order for this to end: I want to know why. Why did she act so horribly towards me, why she didn't just say no, I just want a sort of closure.
The most stressful aspect of this is that I simply can't talk to her, I can hardly face her, moreover find a reason to talk in private with her.
Finally, I already know the bad answer, the one I don't want but the one I'd probably get: that we were all selfish and shallow, that there was no real reason for my feelings, that I was wasting my time thinking about all of this
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self.Anxiety
|
Why was I born to this fucking life? [LONG ASS FUCKING POST] [deleted]
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self.depression
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Medications for anxiety, your experiences. Apologies, this is super long. TLDR: Have you taken meds (e.g., SSRIs) for GAD and has that helped with relaxing the body/sympathetic system? Have you tolerated the side effects?
Hi all, new to this sub, so please forgive me if I am asking something that has already been covered extensively. A search yielded many threads on medications, but I did not see anything specifically about treating physical symptoms.
I have GAD, have been diagnosed a few years ago, but I have probably had it for as long as I remember. Sometimes it is mild, sometimes severe, depending on whatever is going on in my life. I have tried a few things to make it better, including CBT and I practice breathing frequently - I try to keep relatively fit, and have a job that can be demanding, and stressful, but nothing like being a fireman or something of that kind.
My main problem, these days, is more the physical manifestations of the anxiety rather than the anxiety itself. Or rather, because things are always more complicated than they need to be, the fact that I perceive the anxiety as causing (or contributing to) a series of physical symptoms, such as palpitations, back ache, headaches, heartburn, etc… Now, some of these are probably independent from the anxiety (who knows?), whereas others, like headaches, are likely caused directly by it. Of course, any symptom then will feed my anxiety even more, and so on and so forth.
What I do experience is that, even if I feel and act calm, my body does not seem to be. For instance, I often wake up with shallow breath, headaches, and muscle tension, even when dreams are pleasant, and I then don’t feel mentally agitated, but my body is tense. This “body tension” seems uncontrollable to me, and may be causing a lot of the problems I experience. I also pee a lot at night, always have done, which sucks, quite frankly.
The conclusion: I am thinking about asking my doctor about anxiety medications to treat my condition - they will probably refer me to a psychiatrist. I am feeling pretty worn out by this whole thing, and I may need help that goes beyond the behavioural stuff, especially since a lot seems to have to do with variables that are outside of my conscious control.
Have you any experience with this, specifically? Did taking meds help? Did you put up with the side effects okay?
Thanks
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self.Anxiety
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I hate being a man Don't take it the wrong way, but with my personality I think I would have been better off as a woman
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self.depression
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Crossposting. Anyone have any suggestions for alternate treatment methods when everything else has failed? [deleted]
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self.depression
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Every time. Every time I go out in public, I look around my surroundings and see couples or groups of friends having such a good time. I wish I had that once in a while.
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self.depression
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My friend recently made a Tinder and has in one day gotten more matches than I have in months [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Im going to commit suicide, and I would like it if people could give me advice for methods I’ve just given up. I am going to kill myself one way or another. I would just like to discuss methods with people without them telling me there is hope. There isn’t, I’ve made my decision.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Well, my parents officially told me I was a disappointment the other day. Guess that means I can kill myself without feeling guilty about it now. I doubt anyone will see this post or even try and reach out, and I totally understand that and don’t fault anyone for it, but just for some background, I’m not officially diagnosed with depression. I’ve never been to a psychologist as I don’t have access to one. I don’t have an income or insurance of my own and my parents don’t believe in mental illness and psychologists as most of the time it’s just “them telling you to fix your own problem and it’s just a scam.”
I’m an only child with pretty strict parents currently living in a dorm at college 2 hours from home.
I’m a first year in college with two weeks left. I’m probably gonna flunk out anyways, but halfway through the year I told my parents I hated it here and wanted to change schools to something closer to home where I didn’t have to live in a dorm. This caused a 3 month scream fest. My dad told me he knew I wouldn’t be able to do it, my mom told me she didn’t even know who I was anymore and that she wished she left my father before I was even born.
Yeah it’s been a rough couple of months.
Regardless, I’ve been feeling more and more suicidal, much to my friends’ dismay. I have great friends, and believe it or not I have a pretty great home life. I don’t feel like I have the right to feel depressed, and I think that just makes it worse tbh. My friends all have had pretty awful experiences in life (abusive families/relationships and whatnot) but they’re still trying to get me through this bout of depression. I love them for it, but it’s not really working, and now that my parents are pissed at me I think I can finally do it without feeling guilty.
So, I don’t know what this post was supposed to be when I started it, but I guess I’m done. Sorry for wasting your time. Bye.
Edit: I’m...I’m shocked this got as much attention as it did. I truly expected it to get buried.
I tried responding to everyone’s comments, but if I didn’t get the chance to respond to you, I just want you to know that this truly did help me. I’m still not where I want to be mentally, and I know it’s gonna get worse before it gets better, but I’ve actually felt happier and more stress free every day since posting this.
I genuinely sleep a little better knowing there’s such a great community here that seems to truly care. Even though this is all anonymous, I’ll still try and be strong for you guys. You genuinely helped me. Thank you so much everybody, really honestly genuinely from the bottom of my heart, thank you.
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self.depression
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No matter how happy I am the slightest depressive event will set off a cascade of depressive memories. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I notice my anxiety increases significantly as the amount of stimuli increases. Especially regarding people. I was sitting in my university cafe last week when I figured this out. When it was me and just a few others, I was completely calm, could have spoken to anyone at that moment. As it started getting crowded and became more noisy, my anxiety increased dramatically.
I don't know if it's because of the people, or if it's because of the noise level.
I don't think I have an anxiety disorder (though I might, idk), just thought I'd share and see if anyone else noticed the same, and what to do about it.
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self.Anxiety
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Anyone else CONSTANTLY dream about their every day fears and anxieties? for example, people telling you what you secretly fear they think about you. My dreams are constantly of this nature.
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self.depression
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Feeling pretty done A year ago I had everything going for me. I was going to a great school, had good grades, on track to get into a good law school. Then I got sick. My grades tanked, I failed two classes that are only offered every so often, but are necessary for my major. I'd never even gotten a C before in college, so I didn't think it would be the end of the world.
The problem is that it was my final semester so I'm out of financial aid, over the unit limit at my school and 2 classes shy from graduating. They cancelled one of the classes I needed in the Fall, so I'm waiting to find out if it will be offered in the summer. Looking like I may have to wait until next fall (after already waiting since failing the classes last Fall, so will be two years total). Meanwhile I'm working a shitty job in sales that I despise because it was the only place that would hire me for a decent salary without a degree. My loans have gone into repayment and I can't afford to quit my job. My advisors have been incredibly unhelpful, one suggesting that I just attend the class at a college that is three hours away, but I'm stuck in a year lease that I can't afford to break. On the commute to work every day I stand on the train platform and think about just ending it.
All my friends have great jobs, are loving post grad life. I'm stuck in some sort of awful unending limbo of debt and depression and I don't think I can do it anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I wish I could tell you I know you need some time to yourself right now, and maybe I do too. I have been so depressed today, but I know it will get better. I know I seem selfish sometimes and I am sorry for letting my feelings take control of some of our problems. I love you so dearly and I will respect your need to be alone for as long as you need. My biggest fear is that you will start doubting this relationship and end it all. I wish I was there to hug you right now and ask you not to give up. But I promised myself that I'll never beg someone for their affection again. You are probably the best thing that has ever happened to me. (apart from the fundamental shit like security, education, friends etc.) I love you. You are amazing. But I am going to cry myself to sleep now and hope that tomorrow will get better. And that our love will too...
Good night
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self.offmychest
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I don't know where I'm going. I have a loving family. I have pretty good grades. I have a few really amazing friends. Yet I hide behind my mask. All they see is "me". the don't see the real me. The one who cut's, the one who ties nooses, the one who always thinks about suicide. All they see is sweet 15 year old Keegan with nothing going on. And they say they understand my depression, but truth be told with them it's just in one ear out the other. I need some help or I'm gonna end up 6ft under.
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self.depression
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Need therapy but can't get it I'm in college, under my parents dime, and the college therapy is only temporary. My parents look down on therapy. What do I do? I do not want them to know in any way, and them seeing a bill constitutes them knowing. They will then wring it out of me. I need to find a way to get therapy without my family knowing.
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self.depression
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Guests touching painted walls I'm fairly relaxed but as a recent home owner and after six difficult months of redevelopment work on the property (while basically living rough) it's really bugging me now when some people seem to have a lack of restraint when it comes to their hands and walls.
It was ingrained in me as a child not to do it and it's in my opinion pretty disrespectful. Our house is open plan and all the walls are white so a mark shows up pretty obviously between rooms in the walkways. I've already painted areas to fix them but a few weeks later it's exactly the same again.
We live in a semi rural area and the two biggest offenders are my father in law (who visits a lot) and our neighbour; both of which seem to do a lot of engineering work and don't properly wash their hands (soot, oil, dirt, etc), it's just really getting on my nerves.
The worst part is that I don't properly speak the local language so it would be a mess to try and ask them to stop doing it while seeming calm/ not making it an issue. I also get the impression my wife can't tell her dad he's doing anything wrong due to some sort of cultural parental respect. Instead my wife just tells me it's not a problem.. But then she's not the one who has to keep fixing it.
I'm just frustrated and feeling out of options so posting this to the wind.
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self.offmychest
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Anyone in here have a sibling that is better than them in every way and seems to have better luck in life than you? Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy my sibling is doing so great in life and gets all the breaks, but it seems like nothing but bad things happen to me. Anyone else go through this?
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self.depression
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Having a bad day? Its alright. So am I Everyone has rough days. You aren't alone. It's alright to feel down sometimes. Do your best to push through it and don't be afraid to ask the people around you for help.
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self.depression
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Near impossible to feel normal emotions/react to situations normally [deleted]
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self.bipolar
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About to live on my own, nervous, need someone to talk to So, recently my lease was up, and to make a long story short, my boyfriend of 3 years and I will now be living in separate places. Not breaking up, there's no bad anything in the relationship. I'm just not mentally ready for him to not be there every night. Today has going out of town for a few days, and I'll be heading to my apartment. I'm just having a hard time finding any motivation to do anything.
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self.Anxiety
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My life : Feeling horribly anxious, using alcohol and drugs to numb the anxiety. Waking up with even more anxiety. Such a fucked up cycle
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self.Anxiety
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Taxes I don't really post on reddit especially not anything to do with my mental health so please forgive me if this post isn't allowed here or I'm in the wrong subreddit. I didn't see anything about stuff like this in the sidebar, I'm just a little upset? Or find it sad funny? Idk, but it's about some comments on a post from r/all.
Universally it was pretty much agreed that a large number of people in poverty were mentally ill when it came time for people to talk about how awful homeless people are(you knew it was coming) people continually were talking about "poor decisions". The part I'm kind of upset about is that people also seemed to universally ignore how poor decisions are quite often a symptom of a mental illness.
Personally I flash to decisions I made before diagnosis. And think about how I see other people continue to struggle when I'm in the hospital and stuff and how we sometimes just don't know what a good decision is and it's really not on purpose and idk. It was just strange to see people not see the connection between those two things, pretty repeatedly, whether it was a commenter I agreed with overall or not.
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self.bipolar
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Social media crush. Need ADVICE ASAP!!! Hey all guys and girls but um I need advice I'm a guy that has found this guy on social media more specifically on Instagram on one of my popular posts or explore part but anyways I was intrigued by him cuz he's in football as I was too. I had graduated already back in 2015 and from what I read he graduates next year. So I've had him saved for awhile on Instagram for maybe a month or so and I finally had the guts to follow him on Instagram and snapchat and he followed back on both which made happy! The bad part of it all is I don't know what the next step to do is, which is why I need your help or advice. The bad part of this all is he lives in Texas and I live in California and he has a girlfriend from what I seen in his posts. So to all people who READ THIS I need your help!
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self.offmychest
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