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Is being a good friend hard? Serious question- does anyone find it difficult to be good to their friends? If so, I’m genuinely curious to hear why! I just feel like I get SUCH joy out of doing even the smallest of things for my friends but they never seem to reciprocate or even care, and recently it's really started wearing on me.
It legitimately makes me happy when I have the means to pay for a friend's movie ticket/dinner/drink just because I can, because I want to do something nice for them because they're awesome and I love them and they deserve it. I get excited by their accomplishments and keep up with what’s going on in their lives so I can be there to celebrate with them when something goes their way. I'm not just talking birthdays/anniversaries/graduations/promotions etc., even little things like moving up the next grade in their piano lessons, training their new rescue dog to roll over, what mark they ended up getting on that project they were struggling with... I feel like I'm so intimately aware of all the 'little things' going on in their lives but none of them have ever done the same, even with the big stuff. I’m not a ‘woe is me’ type of person (totally cool if you are), but it’s recently been feeling like my friends are just a bunch of selfish ass holes.
All of them are so concerned with their boyfriends/girlfriends/jobs/school/hobbies/etc. they don’t give a shit about anyone else, and it makes me SO sad to see, let alone BE one of the things they couldn’t care less about. Sometimes I get to a place I’m sure many of you reading have been, the one where you just NEED a friend. You need someone in your corner, someone to talk to, someone to show you in the simplest of ways that you matter and are loved, whether that be taking the time to go for coffee or just responding to a text. For the better part of the last two years, whenever I get to that place I legitimately feel like I don’t have any friends I can count on to help me out. They’re too busy with themselves. Even if I reach out and try to explain how I’m feeling, I am consistently brushed off.
I’m actually really sad about this and have been for a long time. I feel like my friends don’t truly care about me. I feel underappreciated and like I’m only ever an afterthought. It’s gotten to the point where I play the ‘Let’s see how long it takes for one of them to text me’ game daily - and I can’t help it! Their lack of interest in being my friend unless I’m putting forth 100% of the effort is constantly on my mind. I try SO hard to make their lives better in any way I can, to make them feel valued and happy, and yet they’re all too concerned with their own shit to return the favor when I need them to.
Can anyone else relate?
My group of friends and I are all around 25 years old, so I know this is somewhat a symptom of growing up. People have full time jobs or are trying to get into grad school, are thinking of starting families or taking the next step in their lives… but is it really so hard to take 5 minutes out of your day to be a good friend?
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self.offmychest
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I wish i was strong enough to commit suicide, i feel there's nothing good coming for me...
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self.depression
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I wanna end it tonite pls help I've been with my bf 4 years and we took a small break. We started again last month because my anxiety and depression is so bad and he comforts me though he is absolutely verbally abusive. Yesterday he asked me to check a message on his phone n I see messages from him asking girls on dates n stuff.. he hAsnt taken me on one I'm years. I asked him about it and he basically said I'm boring to talk to n stale n it's my fault. By the end of it I was apologizing.. I had just filled my xanax with 60 pills and got it intending to od. I got drunk too don't remember the night. Woke up to 5 pills left in the bottle. My mom found my bottle n dumped it tho. Kicking me outta the house now. I have more pills n more alcohol and I am honestly scared of tonight. Don't want to be here thanks for any compassion
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self.depression
|
I told my brother the truth today and he was skeptical. I’m heartbroken and scared. For some background, My brother is the closest person to me, but we have a very “bro” relationship. It’s easy to talk about work, school and girls, but far harder to open up about feelings and hardships.
Recently, My psychiatrist told me she believes I have BD after I went 4 days consuming only protein shakes and reading books about how to change the world. For 4 days, I was convinced I was going to travel the world and start high tech companies, and refused to leave my house because the mission was too important. I came crashing down from what I believe to be my first manic episode when i was hospitalized for being in a hypomanic state.
After being grounded and recovering, I read everything about BD, and was skeptical at first since my symptoms/diagnosis had earlier pointed to ADHD. However, when I looked back at my utter lack of control over my mood swings and manic reaction to ADHD medication, I was convinced that I may be bipolar.
It was so hard to admit that I may be bipolar even to myself, since my family is from conservative Asia and tends to be skeptical of western medicine in general. The stigma associates seeing a psychiatrist with mental retardation or outright lack of discipline. I know, it’s horrible.
Anyways, the first person I turned to about my recent suspicions was my brother. He had always been a huge supporter of mine. I told him everything in a private and quite restaurant, and the only thing he could focus on enough to say back was that all people experience those kinds of changes/insecurities/difficulties. He thinks I’m overthinking and seeing a specialist has gone to my head.
I feel devastated. If even he won’t believe me, how would anyone else? I’m not sure if I believe myself anymore. Am I a dramatic crazy person just looking for attention? Please help me, Reddit.
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self.bipolar
|
Sexual performance anxiety - need urgent help So for the past 8 years I thought I had a stomach problem and went doctors many times and had ultrasound scans but they found nothing, but 3 years ago I realised was I had anxiety from being in the unknown and out in public without knowing there being a toilet and other things such as waiting around in public too. I still have this problem today.
Anyways that’s just a brief summary of how anxiety started and what it might have to do with what I have now.
I am 19 and have had no girlfriends prior to this one with my current girlfriend. I have never ever had any sexual contact with any other girl during my teenage years.
I have been with my girlfriend for 2 years and during that time we have attempted to have sex about 25-30 times and in that period I have successfully had it maybe 5 times. As soon as the condoms get pulled out the penis gets soft and I can just tell because I feel my heart racing and my body completely sinks and almost feels like my emotions run away and I am completely blank because of worrying/anxiety.
My girlfriend is very understanding and I know it is only me who can change it, but her patience is wearing thin and she never wants to have sex anymore because of the fact it will never work properly. I understand her entirely and there are many factors like none of us ever being home alone and also none of us having double beds and parents are always home.
I know for a fact that not having any sexual experience has done some damage. And also the fact I have anxiety in general. My thinking was that I get my overal anxiety sorted and hopefully I can implement those techniques into the bedroom if I ever start panicking
I have used viagra and I have still gone down before so it is clearly anxiety. I am a fit and healthy male who is 5’8 and 70kg so I am in a healthy way but sexually I just cannot seem to get past this barrier.
My girlfriends sexual spark has gone and I am worried that it is only going to be a matter of time before she and I give up with each other and I accept defeat.
I checked waiting lists to get seen by someone to help me but it’s months and months for waiting lists so I don’t know what to do!
PLEASE HELP!
Thank you so much all who respond.
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self.Anxiety
|
You were my abuser not my lover I you used me. You used me physically, emotionally, mentally, and financially. You took advantage of me from the moment we met. You never thought of anyone else's feelings but your own. I am going to be so happy a little while after you are gone. I am just so pissed that you will never see or understand the pain, the sorrow, the physical and emotional turmoil that you caused me. I am a kind and beautiful soul that would have given you the world. But like all storms.. this too shall pass.
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self.offmychest
|
I feel nothing, then everything. I hate this so much.
One minute I'm happy, mostly when I'm around other people. The next I feel so awfully low, that I can't get even the basic tasks done.
Everything I try feels futile, and pointless. We all die right? So why not make it now? Cause ultimately I'll have no impact on the world, all we are is a floating rock in space, so why prolong this when I can escape it?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I done goofed. I’m sure some of yall have seen the news regarding good ol North Korea and Trump threatening to start a war with them. Given that he’s actually got a pretty good reason to (distracting from the investigation and whatnot), what are some reasons he might not start a war? I’m genuinely terrified and need some voice of reason in my life (OCD got me terrified).
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self.Anxiety
|
Noticeable, extreme anxiety The new school year is getting ready to start. I'm a second year teacher now. Last week we started our training and next week kids come. My depression was triggered by a new pdoc pressuring me to talk about old suicidal thoughts in detail and had me go through all failed drugs and why. It's gotten worse since Tuesday.
My constant anxiety is through the roof. I can barely eat, sleeping is hard, and it's even feeling hard to breathe. I'm frazzled. I can't organize ideas. It's bad. My face looks anxious.
I'm on Lamictal and wellbutrin and I'm supposed to start Latuda but the pdoc won't authorize it because she simply is awful at communicating. I can't find my ativan and nobody will write me more.
How do you handle constant anxiety? Any anxiety I had over the summer was nothing compared to this. Like drugs feel like the only way with how bad this is. I can't tolerate ssri's. Benzos aren't a long term solution. I can't function properly right now and I don't know how to break the cycle. It's only going to get worse as the year gets going
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self.bipolar
|
Maybe this time I'll be free Sometimes I wonder if suicide is the only way out. To most, it may not seem like a choice, to me, it's always in my mind, as a choice of action, perhaps the next plausible choice of action.
A list of things I append to the back of my mind, and one of them, suicide.
The thought is always present, always there, so easy to grasp but still so difficult to execute. I've thought of so many ways of rendering it, of fulfilling it, and I have done so - multiple times in the past, now I feel the day will come when I'll succeed. It's coming. I'll allow anything to end my world now, it matters not to me. If there's a car, I'll take my chances and not evade.
Sometimes as the days pass, I feel like I'm slowly losing my battle, that one of these days, I will eventually lose my fight. I am greatly aware of the large repertoire or myriad of things in life that I can do and accomplish. Oh! how society romanticised life, the human potential and the wastefulness of suicide. I can look at it but I cant see, like a shade had been passed over my eyes.
I know what others know what I am capable of, but I've always held them up against a juxtaposition of simply giving up. To forfeit. The thought creeping in by the day and becoming more alluring as time passes.
I make more than twice a month than the average of peers my age make, but it doesn't matter when there's no one to appreciate it with.
I can't stand this overbearing weight, the pressure, the burden, the expectations, the immense effort passing of as just as expected, I feel a massive guilt and wrenching twisting pain within my soul at every moment.
I'm certainly not at peace and I feel as if I'm chasing and living a life of not my own. Sometimes with suicide, it's like quitting that game that you no longer want to play, except in life you're supposed to be like in a sandbox, but yet I feel like a helpless fish stuck in a rampaging river. Oh I could fight against the current, but why? Is anything worth this much pain? What's worth suffering for?
And the unforgiving pain that feels like someone dear to me has passed away the day before, and it stabs and twists the heart everyday. The shaking anxiety, the crushing depression, yet also the beautiful mania. This is the pain I bear, and I'm fighting such an uphill battle, and no longer do I ever have help for it, no counselling, no listening ear, the significant other of my life has abandoned me.
I've spent years, months at a time like this, a cursed life.
I am always to play the facade of the strong stable man, till the day I pop just like a balloon, and the mirages fade, then my true self revealed, I had all along been a mere Impostor.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Is this the fall of an empire? As a foreigner watching, the US seems to be dying of an internal conflict I can't see it escaping from. The news seems to get worse every week and people reaching new lows in defending the undefendable (like Roy Moore). I feel so disappointed. The US meant something amazing. Do you know in Chinese the US is "Beautiful Kingdom"? I feel so so let down.
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self.offmychest
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Anxiety about anxiety too anxious to leave this up. Yay!
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self.Anxiety
|
Has anyone here gotten over severe health anxiety? Could seriously use help. :( TL;DR - Anxiety, lots of it. Got a bunch of testing, found out I do have a benign-ish, pretty-scary-when-it-happens heart arrhythmia. It scares the shit out of me to the point where there isn't a small enough ball I can curl into or a dark enough corner to hide in for days to weeks after it happens. It's ruining my life.
I have been suffering from major anxiety with panic attacks for about 20 years now. I am on medication and have been for a long time. The first few times I had panic attacks, I ended up at the ER, with them telling me that it is basically all in my head. That's always fun, right? I got on medication, dealt with them in waves.
Feeling like a lightheaded, dizzy, sore, short of breath and palpitating mess. I got EKGs and testing which came back normal. On an attempt to switch doctors, I had my chart to take to my new doctor. (If you want to avoid being an anxious mess, do NOT read yours.) I read mine. As an infant, I had a congenital heart defect which was never fixed, as they put it on a "wait and see" basis. Here is where I made another mistake, I googled the condition. It has all of the same symptoms I have been having this whole time.
(*actually having to stop typing, because writing this is pushing me close to panic*)
I went to a doctor 5 years ago, and he confirmed that the defect was indeed still there. But told me over and over that is not serious enough to be affecting me. As did the three other cardiologists I saw for other opinions. According to AHA, it's so small, it's not worth fixing, not affecting my heart, etc. He mentioned how my panic/anxiety is going to hurt my health more than it. I still need to get it checked every 3 years.
Fast forward a year or two. I had what I thought was a major panic attack, and it ended up being a benign arrhythmia where my heart was beating over 200 bpm for over an hour. Ended up at the ER to get it to slow down, back to a different heart doctor. Put on medication for it, was on an event heart monitor for 3 months. He said it happens so infrequently so medication should be fine. I have had a handful of these since then, and EVERY SINGLE TIME it puts me in a place of anxiousness that I would never wish on anyone EVER.
I have been to a therapist once and they made me so uncomfortable. I am trying the DARE book now. I don't know how to stop this never-ending cycle of negative thoughts that feed off of one another. I try to self-medicate with alcohol a little bit, and it just makes it a nightmare the next day anxiety-wise if I go just a tiny bit overboard. I am starting to think that I am not sure I can live like this. Not suicidal, but just, my quality of life is awful. All I can do is feel bad; I can't work, my husband is ridiculously supportive but I feel like a worthless, anxious, crazy AF meat puppet.
I had the latest arrhythmia episode on the 11th, weirdly enough it was the day after I visited the doctor (was medicated for sinusitis) and had a panic attack trying to get a blood draw. They told me to come back later in the week, then the episode happened and I feel scared shitless to go back. It's difficult for them to get blood, so I have to be free and clear of anxiety to even do that. 5mg of Valium barely touches the surface when I have these. I feel trapped in my own mind. I feel like I have no safe place to go, I feel comfort in nothing. Only hoping that it will pass soon and end my suffering.
My anxiety when I am not hitting bottom like the past few weeks is pretty tolerable with medication. I still do not feel like I can hold a job, so I do some work from home and volunteer because it's something I can do on my anxiety's schedule (how fucking sad is that?). I flew on a plane at least 5 times (all under 4.5 hours for sure) in the past two or three years, something I can't even fathom now. It's NOT easy to get on a plane normally, it's just putting into perspective how bad of a place I am in now.
Tonight, I made the mistake of taking my blood pressure while feeling off. It was 150/100. I panicked more. I am hoping to reach out to someone who might have conquered health anxiety. I feel so alone and hopeless. I need some ideas how to climb out of this hole, to know there is hope. Thanks for reading and for any insight.
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self.Anxiety
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I was trying to keep the conversation going but suddenly the person stopped replying. This is why I like talking to people face to face instead of texting them. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Doing things you like makes you feel better??? I started drawing again today and I went from "maybe I should start drinking when i feel sad" to "maybe i should clean my room and do the laundry"
It was like magic. I know its self explanatory and its like "no duh" but really. I feel normal after 3 months of laying around. 10/10 would recommend.
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self.bipolar
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Im Waisitng My Youth I turned 20 last month and I absolutely have no social life, no job, no passions, no friends, i have social anxiety since high school making me socially inept, my mother sheltered me as a child by constantly doing everything for me and when I grew up I have absolutely zero knowledge on how to do... Well anything. The only thing I have going on for me is college but that's basically it. The fact that I'm so aware of all of this and not finding the will to try makes me beyond depressed, just a reminder of the life I'm living puts me in a depressed mood, I don't... I don't what to do or where to start
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self.depression
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I'm scared I might have cancer (waiting for the doctor's visit) I'll keep this short. About two weeks ago I noticed a strong pain on my boob/armpit area. I felt like if I had a swollen lymph node. I do my self chests twice a month and since this started I have been checking and there are no lumps in the area. Still it feels like if my armpit was swollen.
Other than no lumps I've also had no changed to my breast and after four days the pain has SIGNIFICANTLY decreased to a far away sort of bothersome issue. It almost feel like if I had a rash but no itching and my skin is clear. I also have had what seems to be a small UTI and have been sick... my husband had a cold and so I picked it up from him.
I am better from the cold now but still... I'm scared. I can't stop thinking "this is it" because I mean it's lymph nodes and breast area!
I'm not that young (30) so yeah... I've called my doctor and have an appointment for this month. I'm literally terrified. My life is going well, I am engaged, planning to start trying for a baby in the next two years. Maybe I am just paranoid but I keep thinking "how many people diagnosed with cancer thought that?"
Anyway thanks for listening.
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self.offmychest
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Anybody else sleep during days? I don't know if it's because of depression. But, I just prefer being up all night when it's dark and there's not much people.
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self.depression
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I just need a reason So through my own stupidity and general ability to fuck stuff up, my amazing girlfriend of 1.5 years might break up with me. I genuinely love this woman so much and this week has been hands down of the worst times of my entire life. It's the first time in years, at least 5 I've even actually seriously considered suicide. I know how bad it can be and how tore up and destroyed my family and close friends would be, but I am legitimately struggling to find a reason to not just wander off and die somewhere if she breaks up with me. On one hand, I don't exactly want to kill myself, but I do not do not do not want to go on like this for however long it takes me to recover, and that's going to be a long time. I just need something, guys.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I'm so tired of being forced to believe sexual assault/rape stories when there is absolutely no evidence I just want to say that it is absolutely okay to be skeptical of sexual allegations against people. It's not okay to victim blame or talk shit to the alleged victim after they make their claim if all they have is their story and no other evidence what so ever. I'm not saying all alleged victims should have to provide irrefutable evidence either. Usually after a victim makes a claim where there is no evidence, others will come forward if there has been a pattern of sexual misconduct by the individual they are making a claim against. So if an alleged victim makes a claim, it is okay to not fully believe them. What I've usually done is just keep my reservations to myself, tell the victim I'm sorry for what they've gone through, and wait either for more evidence or more people to come forward. Now, more than ever, if there has been a pattern of sexual misconduct, then more people will come forward and corroborate the victim's claims. I'm just tired of this mentality where we have to believe every word every alleged rape/sexual assault victim says or you're a piece of shit for not believing them. At the same time, I'm tired of inconsiderate assholes who don't understand that your disbelief is fine, but your voicing of your opinion before more evidence or accusations have time to come out is even more stupid than fake rape/sexual assault claims.
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self.offmychest
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Anyone been on Buspirone and feel like their anxiety was worse? So I haven’t had insurance for like 8mo so I haven’t seen my doctor in that long either. But she stocked me up on buspirone before I lost my insurance......about a month later I stopped taking it and realized my anxiety was worse when I was on buspirone. My SIL even said she noticed I was more tense and triggered easier when I was on it......but if they started me on buspirone is there no hope for me? Like if they started me on that does that mean it was the simplest or something....? I can’t afford to see a psychiatrist unfortunately.....but I’m gonna go see my doctor in March....
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self.Anxiety
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What to do when your on the edge So with Thanksgiving tomorrow this is probably the worst time for this happened. For the last few months I have been keeping myself busy to blunt my emotions. Namely with respect to the emotions of the grieving process regarding my father who has a terminal lung condition.
After several therapy sessions it was decided that it was best for me to express my emotions - however as I expected it wouldn't be received well. I was blame for being sad and unhappy and it triggered long standing suicidal ideation. I even half assed tried to hang myself.
Having missed several important meetings and my evening classes due to my mental state I don't know what to do anymore.
I went to my emergency medication supply and took 800mg of lithium and 300mg of seroquel so that I can avoid an inconvient experience in the psych ward. I don't know what tomorrow will bring and it scared me beyond belief. For several months I know I need to check myself in but it would create long term problems that will only make my life more difficult. I have been waiting for January to come so I can admit myself but each day has made January seem to far away.
I don't know what to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I’m going to be that guy who kills himself over a breakup. It’s been just over a month since I’ve spoken with her and things are getting worse. 2 weeks ago I was a morbidly depressed excuse for a human being, but atleast I was in a fog of denial and benzos. Now that the dust has settled and reality has set in, I don’t think I can live without her.
We only knew each other for 3 months. I’ve been through gut wrenching breakups in my 20’s and still felt optimistic about the future. There’s something about this one, about her, that has wounded me far beyond repair. I left my job to get away from her. That was mistake # 1. I sleep until 1PM every day and occupy the hours that I’m awake chain smoking in my room and half-heartedly searching for jobs. I don’t think I’m in any condition to work, but I’m trying to convince myself that a new job will represent a new chapter in my life and will get her out of my head for a few hours a day.
There’s something about her finding someone else that has destroyed me. I find myself getting lost in my thoughts about them doing all the things that we once did and It sends me on this depressive spiral of self harm and oversleeping. I can’t cry because I’m on anti-depressants which take the edge of JUST enough to not allow me to fully melt down, which keeps me in a permanent state of misery.
I don’t want to rely on Xanax or other drugs to get myself through these dark moments, as I know that the grief will still be there when I decide to withdraw.
I made the mistake of researching Limerence last night and my scumbag brain has almost convinced me I suffer from this horrible psychological disorder and Ill never be able to get her out of my head. I sat here for hours last night trying to find one negative flaw of hers to focus on, but I couldn’t. She was so unusually perfect for me, and I fucked it up.
I want to know what she’s thinking, if she ever wants to reconnect, what her new apartment looks like. Her new boyfriend gets to experience all these things, and Im laying here in the dark researching suicide methods. I’m past the half-assed suicide attempts just to get her attention. At this point, I need to silence my head. I pray every night when I go to sleep that I’ll wake up and feel even a little bit better. But It’s only getting worse. I know time heals these things, I’m 32 now and this isn’t my first breakup. I just can’t live like this for 5-6 months or however long it’s supposed to take. I just want to be happy again. I need an escape from this hell.
There’s a high speed train that comes through my area several times a week. I know the schedule, and am giving myself 48 hours to feel better. If not, I’m going to write her one final letter, send it, and then go jump in front of it. My family and friends know Im in bad shape but don’t understand how I can be this messed up over a breakup. To be honest, I don’t understand it either.
I hope to be able to give you guys a positive update by Wednesday evening. If not, Ill be back here to say goodbye forever before seeing what the next life has in store for me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
How to handle "friends" repeatedly making fun of me for posting something embarrassing online? Hello /r/Anxiety,
I am a pretty socially awkward person and a few months ago I accidentally thought it would be a good idea posting very personal but socially weird things on Facebook. Some friends from high school that I had been hanging out with instantly screenshotted it and started making fun of me, and have been bringing it up every now and then. It has gotten to the point where my "friends" will bring it up when I am trying to make new friends, for example: "Hey did you know /u/depranxioused wrote a really cringy post, here let me show you the screenshot!" and they all laugh at and think worse of me.
Just today, I was trying to talk to a group of mutual friends, and a "friend" who was there just had to bring it up. Every time, I acted as though it didn't affect me, but still they continue to do it. The "friend" also kept stressing that I was "antisocial" because I did not participate in many group outings and did not have many pictures with friends. It is as if there is absolutely nothing else they can say about me except negative things.
So, I am looking here for help regarding this matter. Though I believe cutting them out of my life would be the most effective option, I fear that it would cause them to spread worse rumours about me or damage my future connections (though they *are* doing that now). Something I am trying to do is focusing on myself and not caring about them, but I can't even do that when they are actively sabotaging my relationships. I feel very hopeless and anxious about my situation and would appreciate any advice possible.
Thank you very much!
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm feeling useless... I just got off the phone with my girlfriend... She's with another guy right now and I was begging for help... I begged her to come see me and she said that she would have to see... That she had plans. Go see a movie and I asked about after... She said that she was getting dinner with this guy. Asked about after at all... And she said she's going bowling with him... He's gay, and that's cool, like not competition or anything... But I have a razor next to me and I've been down this road before... I had a bad anxiety attack which is why I called her. After we hung up, the anxiety went away, but in came the monster that is my depression, and it's saying do it in a loud and booming voice... I want to... And it's harder not to give in to that voice every second...
I need help...
I can't call anyone... I can't talk to many others... I'm too scared to talk to anyone I don't know other than with a text... I'm scared of myself and I'm scared of what I've done and I'm scared I'll do it again... I've thought about killing myself before... And now it's back after not being there for 3 years...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I can't explain my depression Whenever I tell someone I have depression they naturally want to know why, but the thing is, I don't know why. Nothing tragic has happened in my life, and I have good family and friends. But even though I have that, I still have a hard time dealing with life and reality. It's frustrating because people do want to help (And I'm very greatfull for that) but they don't know how to help when even I don't know why I feel like I do.
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self.depression
|
Olfactory hallucination because of anxiety? Has anyone here ever experienced this? Smelling things that arent there.. for example smelling oranges.. blood...burnt rubber?
Ive been getting random smells that last 1 to 2 minutes that seem very real that noone around me can smell.
Ive told my doctor he ordered me to get an eeg because he thought i may have epilepsy but the test came back negative.
But yeh any experiences or insight to this or something similiar is appreciated just wanna know if anxiety can cause this
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self.Anxiety
|
Please stop cyberstalking me or I will call the police That’s a warning creep
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self.offmychest
|
I applied for jobs today I’ve been unemployed for 5 months and have just been living each day doing nothing and dreading the next. I finally got the mindset and urge to update my resume and apply for jobs. Even if I don’t hear from any of them, at least I’ve made a step to getting better
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self.depression
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Birthday wish. Suicide. 8 days in counting Every year I'm amazed that I've lasted another year, and I become distraught at the thought of another. I've never felt greater sadness than I have in the past few days, which is an extension of years of major depression. The crisis center I attend, my mother, few acquaintances, and former therapist all try to tell me life is worth it. But they take my words as empty threats when I tell them I'm going to succeed at suicide this time. Everyone knows it's going to happen but they do nothing to keep me safe. I know I'm responsible for my actions but it feels like I'm not important enough to save.
I'm the boy (well girl) who cries wolf. I always want to kill myself and gesture all the time whether I tell people or not. I speed at 70 mph with my eyes closed for a few seconds, whip my car around sharp bends trying to tip over, I pound my chest as hard as I can and hold my breath to try to induce a heart attack. I threw myself down stairs the other day and dragged a butcher knife across my wrists to cut the veins (damn dull knife). Wrapped a cord around my neck to see if I would like to hang myself, I was pleased. At this point I know for sure I'm 100% ready to die, just waiting on the right moment and a sure method. No more attempts. Just success to come.
I have nothing to live for personally, only my jobs that I love taking care of other people. I work with teens who most have depression and tried to commit suicide at some point. I pride myself in being their support and seeing progress except I'm the biggest hypocrite there is. I'm the 26 almost 27 year old who's never grown up mentally. I self harm everyday and bleed through shirts where I have to wear gauze under my clothes so no one finds out. I'm severely severely bulimic and purge up to 15 times a day on a bad day. Random people comment on my body all the time because I'm so underweight. I love being small and breakable and closer to death. Weighed in at 83 today, and want to be under 80lbs when I finally go in 8 days.
I have no money because I eat at buffets every single day and purge back to back until I'm too dizzy to stand. I work two jobs and have nothing to show for it. Moved out of my apartment because pysch hospitalizations in the past few years have ruined me financially. I hate living in my sisters house. My plan was to die in my own space, it has always been the plan, and now I don't have that luxury. My borderline personality makes it impossible to connect with people on a genuine level. And who wants to be friends with someone who complains about how bad they want to die all the time? Buzzkill. Except no one but you guys knows what that feeling is like. To feel like living is a daunting chore. I'm not living, just existing to keep a handful of people happy. Except they're not happy seeing me suffer, so I want to leave before people figure out my plans and commit me for good.
Anyways, sorry for the long rant. Just sorting out my thougts. Not sure if my birthday will the deadline or sooner but I'm moving towards organizing my affairs.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm only alive because I haven't run out of pot yet Smoking is the last thing left in this world that I enjoy. I have a disability so trying to date is a fucking joke, especially since I don't have much to offer anyways. College seems like it's just gonna be me in my dorm wishing someone would invite me to something. I'm so mentally damaged that I'll start crying out of nowhere or get so touchy that everyone thinks I'm an asshole. When I tell people any of this they tell me to just get over it, and I don't think I have to explain why that's frustrating. Fuck this
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self.SuicideWatch
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Least painful way to kill your self? Just tryna do it fucking quick. Maybe tonight even if I can
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self.SuicideWatch
|
What ambitions are left to aspire to if you don’t want kids? I’m a 27 male surrounded by mombies and a culture that I don’t fit into. I feel like I’ve accomplished all my very serious ambitions from graduating college to studying in grad school and withdrawing, twice. (I was doing fine in grad school, they were job prep program. School Psych and a teacher prep program. I withdrew basically because I was apathetic about the job goals/mission. I studied philosophy/psychology during my undergrad and I feel extremely content with all the knowledge I’ve accumulated, but it just feels like I’m getting old. It feels like friends are moving away, the world is getting smaller, less wondrous. It’s like realizing I’m too old to aspire to great things like being an astronaut or something. I feel like my role models are way too big, or that things are just downhill from here. So I’m asking myself questions like why bother working? Why bother moving forward? Maybe I’m pessimistic and think the US political situation is horrible and it’s affecting me. But I wonder how older people without kids keep going forward. What pushes them? I firmly do not want my career to be my only reason to live. I do not want to live to work.
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self.depression
|
One of my favorite memories of you one of my fondest memory of you is Halloween in 2nd grade when you arrived late for school wearing a full werewolf costume, we werent friends just yet though. Another is when we were smoking blunts in my parked car when a homeless guy approached us and asked for the time and when i told him, he said my car wont start....and it really didnt! we laughed about how he could have been from the future lol or a ghost and took all the cars battery power lol. Another one is running from a train in that tunnel behind highschool, lol i fell down and you picked me up and we ran holding hands xD and we never mentioned it ever again.
i miss you and im always thinking of you
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self.offmychest
|
I cut myself for the first time I sometimes have these moments when I want to die, it's really weird because they happen in the "best" moments, like when I'm having fun or talking with friends... A few hours ago I had one of these moments again, and I hurt myself. It's weird, because it somehow filled me with joy and I don't now why, now I regret it. It happens only for a few seconds and it was never so bad before. I'm kinda scared.
I'm not seeing a psychiatrist yet, so I just had to let go of my thoughts here, reading people's stories of similar things and seeing that I'm not alone with these problems is somehow calming
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self.depression
|
I don't think I'll ever be happy I've tried so hard.... I even went to the doctor and got put zoloft and it helped for a little bit. Lately I've just fealt more and more alone... I work in a prison so its always very stressful,but i just don't have any release. I feel empty and hurt.... I find myself sleeping more and more all the time. I don't know what to do anymore. On one hand i want to die, but on the other hand I'm afraid of it. I guess thats just another thing I'm a failure at.
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self.depression
|
I can feel my depression starting to get worse and I don't know why. It's probably been a few months to a year since I've felt like this. After a suicide attempt around July or August last year I got my life together, and it was going so *goddamn* well that of course my brain is starting to mess things up for me, now that good things were happening and I was achieving some semblance of happiness, for once.
I have a healthy relationship with a wonderful new boyfriend, someone who's genuinely supportive and cares about me, for the first time in my life. I just managed to finish a university degree, incredibly, despite having some shitty setbacks and insane amounts of stress that had me self-harming everyday for hours at my worst.
But it was going so well, and now ....
I can't sleep and my brain feels like it's always buzzing, filled with bees, and when I do sleep it's for 10+ hours and into the afternoon. I forget to eat but when I remember I stuff myself even though the food doesn't give me any pleasure anymore, even though it tastes like dirt. I look at people I used to passionately care for and feel pathetic and shitty that I don't feel like I love them enough anymore. the other day I had a tiny disagreement with my mother and ended up self-harming violently when she wasn't looking, just because I felt like a shit, selfish human being who only ends up hurting other people. And today I was sitting on a park bench looking at people walking by and I just thought: "what's the goddamn point? Why am I even still alive? What does it matter in the end?"
I hate these stupid depressive episodes and I hate that I'm having one now when everything was going so well. I just don't know what to do :(
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self.depression
|
Kill myself because I don't have a girlfriend I've been a shut in for about 2 and a half years now. Everyday I stray further from God's light. I'm really embarrassed to show my face to anyone who's not my family, I really want to buy a mask for when I go outside, that way no one can look at my shame.
I'm turning 19 soon, and I've never had a girlfriend, still a virgin and I'm probably going to die alone. I'm not fat or anything, i'm just a skinny guy by nature, I understand that If I want a girlfriend, I should work on myself but I just can't live with the fact that I wasted my youth being a shut in. The shame is unbearable, I want to erase any evidence of my existence, my punishment for failure will be death by hanging, this is my last resort. Death over defeat.
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self.depression
|
What was life like for you growing up? I want to see if there is a pattern in how people with bipolar disorder grew up; the factors that make you, you.
Edit: After reading all your responses, it looks like this shitty ailment is as random, picking the person, as the mania that comes with it.
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self.bipolar
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Going up and down I woke up from what I assume was a panic attack. My heart was racing. I was getting super paranoid if I was having a hear attack. I was able to settle down after like half an hour and tried to sleep but it happened again but in a less urgent way and finally fell asleep again. I feel like crap like I don't wanna kill myself but feel hopeless about life and am I gonna die in pain. Trying to figure out to change meds. Do you guys get these? I've been changing my diet and calorie restriction and intermittent fasting which is helping my eczema calm down a lot but i guess I could lay off the calorie restriction a bit because other than the usual feeling crappy and then feeling a bit more chill the next day I haven't had anything this intense. Anyway, thanks for reading.
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self.bipolar
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My two older brothers and dad beat me violently my entire childhood and i never told anyone and neither did anyone else in my family. I honestly dont even know where to start. I guess i grew up as the first born girl in a family that didnt want any girls so my dad hated me right from the get go. My entire life i was on the receiving end of all of the abuse in the family. We grew up Pentecostal Christian, which means if youre a girl you already have fewer privlages than your male counterparts so there was the added social pressure placed apon me by the church to be the silent goid little christian girl. I have a hard time remembering things. Feel free to ask me some questions i might be able to jog my memory. Its kinda hard to form coherent thoughts on something ive never talked to anyone about before. Ive never even told any therapists and ive been to a few.
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self.offmychest
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I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE I HATE MY LIFE LOL
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self.depression
|
They are my only reason to live, but for how much longer? I am a father of two of the sweetest boys a guy could have as sons. They are smart, funny, curious, funny, caring, funny, and they idolize me. They are so young too–the oldest will be 5 in June, while the youngest will be 4 in March.
As for myself, I will be 41 this year; I’ve been professionally diagnosed as having persistent depressive disorder, and I feel like I’ve been in a huge downswing for the past couple of years–and it’s not getting any better.
I used to successfully take Pristiq, until it effectively stopped working. Now I’m taking 3x the recommended dose of Cymbalta, and it feels like it’s not working either; at least not all of the time. And God forbid I miss even one dose: those days are the absolute worst.
It’s so bad that I can’t tell if life is stressing me out and making me more depressed, or if I’m so depressed that it’s making my life stressful. Either way, it’s sapping the energy and motivation right out as a teenager, I’d just hold up in my room for weeks on end until the feeling subsided, but as a husband and a father with responsibilities, I no longer have the luxury of running away from life.
I have tried to kill myself in the past. Several times. I’ve tried slitting my wrist, overdosing on my mother’s prescription pain pills, mixing ammonia and bleach in a non-ventilated space, overdosing on drowsy medication followed by excessive alcohol, and I thought I’d have the courage to fling myself off of a 10-story parking deck (fear of falling). Obviously I suck at trying to kill myself. Now I just ideate about dying and all that might entail. I guess, in a way, I’ve found a way to run and hide as an adult after all.
Back to my children: I idolize them so much. I think about how if I killed myself they would grow up and forgot all about who I was, and the only thing they’d know about me is that I killed myself. That thought alone metaphorically kills me. I don’t want my kids to hate me. Fuck, I can’t even type that without breaking down.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t know how to talk about it to my family or even my therapist. I’m not even sure I want them to know how bad it’s been; not because of any reason other than a) I don’t know how to explain it out loud, and 2) I’m scared of the consequences of telling somebody else in real life. What if my wife can’t handle it and leaves me and takes my kids away? What if my therapist decides to lock me up “as a danger to myself and others”? Either way, I would lose my kids.
I feel stuck. I feel like life has gas-lit me to the point that I have no confidence to take hold of my life and fix it. I’m a coward; I get it, and I begrudgingly accept it (no, I don’t like it). It hurts so fucking bad, and I’m robbing my family of having their fun-loving husband/dad, and holding them all back from truly being able to enjoy life.
I’m sorry to have wasted your time with my venting. I wish I could say it has made me feel better, but it hasn’t. Thank you anyway if you read this far. That’s more than I could have ever asked.
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self.depression
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My Grandma is dying. My Grandma is dying. Laying on her deathbed. There you two are sitting talking about anything and everything.
But you don't give a shit.
It's all just a waiting game for you two, till she's dead and you can cash in. Fuck you. Both of you. Your just waiting till she dies so you can cash in. Its sick.
All I want to do is sit by her side and cry, but I wont. I once told myself I will only cry in front of family. And you are not family.
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self.offmychest
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Ended my FWB Tonight, I asked my FWB if he would be okay with just being friends. He said he would be “fine” with that change.
I guess I’m sad he didn’t ask why though I guess it’s fairly obvious. Sometimes I think we get sad over what could have been rather than the ending of something. So, maybe I was just trying to seek some form of validation that I’m worth trying to date.
Honestly, I’m not sure we would ever be compatible to date. I do know that hugging him, laughing with him, and kissing him felt like snuggling down into your favorite chair with a cup of tea. Nice, he felt nice.
One part of me wants him to fight for me, to want me. Another part is glad I get to try being friends without the added pressure of sex.
I’m surprisingly not unbearably sad. Maybe this will help me to value myself and show me that I hating myself is pointless.
I’m sorry B, I tried my best not to develop feelings, but you are a beautiful, remarkable human. I promise to try to be the best friend I can be and not burden you with my feelings.
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self.offmychest
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Love doesn't feel real to me. What is love supposed to feel like?
I feel numb. I've been in relationships, but I never felt anything more than "preference."
To me, love and intimacy doesn't exist. It doesn't feel like a real thing. I won't ever find it.
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self.depression
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Does anyone have experience with Mianserin (Tolvon)? I am looking for its reviews.
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self.depression
|
I just want to run away from all of my problems I really haven't been good lately. Honestly, I haven't been good since I started college. My anxiety and depression have always been bad, but they have been hitting me especially hard as of late.
I don't have the motivation or energy to do my work but I'm also living in constant fear of having to face my professors knowing I've done nothing. Some days I get to the building and I can't even will myself to go in.
I just feel like running away, moving somewhere else and never dealing with it again... I know that's that a real option, tho. It scares me to think I can't handle life and I'm honestly so terrified because I want to do good and make myself proud and I can't
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self.Anxiety
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I'm still in love with you Can't escape this feeling that maybe moving in with you wasn't the best decision.
When I drunkenly told you months ago I had feelings for you, I know you thought that was it. Like I got it all off my chest. But it wasn't.
I still have those feelings, honestly. You might know. You might not know. I'm failing at making it not seem so obvious, I'd be a little surprised if you hadn't noticed by now. I stare at you maybe a little too much, I miss you when you go to work, I struggle every day trying not to kiss you, I'll talk to you just to talk to you. Just to be around you. I'm so conscious of how much time I spend around you though, trying not to make it seem creepy or clingy. But god I just want to spend all day with you. We can do absolutely nothing but it wouldn't even matter. All day wouldn't even be enough, really. We can spend all day together, but part of me will still miss you when you leave for work.
I'm just so head over heels in love with you it's hilarious. I'm not even that type of guy normally, but...god. This is just different.
I'm some poor helpless gay guy who fell in love with his straight best friend and just can't shake those feelings off.
Maybe I'll always have them. I'm still trying my best to get over them because you've given me enough proof you're never going to return them or even explore bisexuality.
The truth is, you're everything I want in a man. Looks, intelligence, a sense of humor. And it kills me every day that there's no way I can ever be more than a friend to you.
My heart hurt typing all this out - I hate it - but I feel like I need to. Some part of me believes maybe just letting this out will help. We'll see about that though.
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self.offmychest
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Screaming Lately, I'm so easily terrified. While it's not a new thing it seems it has worsened. I scream when people touch me or if any loudish noise occurs anywhere near me. Can anybody tell me if they experience this too, or point me towards a way to stop this? Thank you
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self.Anxiety
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No idea what I'm doing w/ my life I've just reached that point where I have no idea what I'm doing with my life and have no real prospects. I also have no motivation anymore. I think I might be one of the true nihilists out there; someone who has tried and done most things with no happiness to show for any of it.
What I want more than anything is for the universe to reciprocate. For some kind of acknowledgment / confirmation of my existence.
No one emails me / messages me / calls me etc.
I feel like no one cares about my photography.
I have a lot of skills and knowledge but I just feel like I live in a world in which if you are not hyper specializing in something you are useless.
Any help would be greatly appreciated. If anyone has any cool art projects / looking to hire someone / wants to message online.
Open to everything.
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self.depression
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My mania is rarely "happy". Anyone else feel this way? I have a hard time recognizing my hypomania and I think it's because I considered "elevated mood" to equate happiness.
I usually don't sleep much, forget to eat, and feel anxious in a weird way, and I feel a strange buzz?
I also generally buy stupid shit even though I know I shouldn't. I recognize the purchases are a bad idea and then think, "well it's fine because I'm not actually hypomanic!"
However, there have definitely been times where I binge drank during episodes, partied a lot, and acted way more promiscuous than usual.
I know those times are textbook manic, and mostly everything I'm describing is. It's hard though because I have a difficult time gauging my hypomania since I am generally always some form of dysthemic. I always have a low-grade depression and my anxiety increases.
Does anyone else have a similar experience?
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self.bipolar
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I going to give up I can’t do this anymore. I hate my self so much i going to end it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Chronic Nightmares?? Every night I wake up once or twice without fail because of strange, nightmare type dreams. For example, the other night I dreamt that I was about to be shot in the head before suddenly waking up. I can generally remember the dreams and they occupy my mind throughout the whole day because of how fucked up they were. It makes me extremely tired when I wake up the next day which I think is definitely making my depression a lot worse. DAE experience this, or know how I can just get a decent night's sleep for once ??
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self.depression
|
I don't know what to do. I've struggled since I was a teenager. I keep trying to take control and sometimes it does get better. Im either good or I dip down so low. now I'm 25 and it's not going away and I hate myself and my life. I force myself to continue but its all fake. It hurts to be alive. I want to escape my life and figure out what I need to do to be stable but I don't even know what that is. I don't know what can help me at this point. I want to give up.
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self.depression
|
Comorbid ADHD Edit: I'm a dummy and forgot to search posts before I posted this. Regardless of the comorbidity existing, I am still hoping some of you might be able to provide some insight into your experience with ADHD and Bipolar.
January of this year I was diagnosed with Bipolar, and a depressive episode. I'm taking several medications for it, but had still been having some problems. After some more extensive screening and questioning, the doctor and NP I see think that I likely have ADHD too and that it went undiagnosed because I did well in school and because girls often have slightly different presentations of ADHD. I'm starting a trial of an ADHD medication now too.
I just wanted to ask, for those who are willing to share, if any of you have both the diagnosis of bipolar and a diagnosis of ADHD? If so, how has it affected your journey with treatment?
My research has found opposing articles and I'm just curious to see if anyone has any anecdotal experience with both. Some places say that it's one or the other, while other places say that it's a common comorbid diagnosis.
Thanks in advance to you all!
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self.bipolar
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Wait.. so am I depressed or having an anxiety episode.. maybe just lazy? Decided to go to my new primary care doctor in order to get a referral for my acute sleep apnea problem I’ve had since childhood. Decided because this was the first time seeing a doctor in several years, maybe I should get what is supposed to be an annual checkup(blood test, ekg, etc.). The first thing the doctor asked me was “are you feeling down lately? Are you depressed?”
I kind of shrugged and laughed “ehh I don’t think so”. She smile and told me it was all part of the checkup.
I told her I wasn’t feeling down, but I’m not too sure about my answer which is why I’m here. I’m going to try my best to provide all symptoms and events in order for you guys to get some idea of what I’m going through.
Let’s start off with the doctor visit. Out of the blue, I started walking outside again; in the dead of winter no less. I liked to blame my tendencies to stay locked up at home on my laziness, but now I find myself taking a stroll around my neighborhood every once in a while. I never really thought I was a full blown hikikomori as I’ve maintained a job for a short period where I had to interact with customers.,. I live in a very busy part of New York so there are many faces to look at and imagine where they’re all headed.
I recently applied for college as a returning student for the spring semester which is why I think it may just be anxiety or even college-mid life crisis because I am doubting my career path.
I need to prep for some of the classes as I have forgotten a lot f the materials.. it’s been a good year since I’ve gone to college. I know I should be studying, but I seem to be pushing the schedule back. I even planned out my schedule on my calendar app, but I end up just deleting the notifications and telling myself that I’d do it tomorrow. I hate this part about myself because I feel this is what led me to fall so behind in school. Everyone of my peers who’ve I’ve cut contact with have already graduated and live a decent life, meanwhile I’ve quit my job as a store clerk months ago and don’t know where the time went.
Activities? I stopped gaming but many people get into a period of malaise with this. I seem fill most of my day on reddit and watching shows when I’m not walking around outside.
I move around the house aimlessly; idk what the deal with that is. I find myself walking into the kitchen and forgetting why I went there. I think I’m just watching what I eat. I’ve lost a couple of pounds which is great.
My sleep schedule is screwed but I am not forcing myself to say in bed longer than I have to. I actually hate laying down with nothing but my thoughts because my mind drifts into odd places that make me sad. I wonder what would’ve happened if my mother didn’t have issues with the first child. That would mean I would have never been born; my parents had me because the first one didn’t take.
Anyway I think about shit like that so I like to minimize my time laying in bed with nothing else but my thoughts so I end up watching shows on my tablet til I fall asleep.
I’ve also never been good with sleeping near electronic devices since I was a kid. Just bad habits I think.
I haven’t attempted or even fantasized about leaving here so I guess that’s good. I have written an apology letter to my parents though and I’m scared to know what the intent of that was.
Well I hope it’s not depression because I’m about to get on a medication that has a known side effect that can potentially amplify the sadness. This might be a mess to read through.
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self.depression
|
I finally texted her So there is this girl I had a crush on for years and last weekend I texted her the first time since an eternity (ofc I was drunk) We are still writing but I don't have an idea how to approach her the right way. It feels like my whole life depends on this, because for me it does. I'm pretty anxious and depressed she is extroverted and leading a seemingly happy life. I know I will never be good enough for her. My friends tell me I got nothing to lose but for me I got everything to lose, the whole world I build in my mind would collapse.
I should probably also mention that I went to school with her and I know that she had a crush on me too but I was too blind to see back then. She moved on with her life , I didn't.
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self.offmychest
|
I'm thrown off by Christmas because i feel so alone.. I'm not sure where else i can post this. I just want to add also, i'm not as depressed and claim to be as depressed as some of you guys, it comes and goes, i normally help others on this subreddit but i guess, now, i need help? i have nothing but respect for each and every one of you who deal with this on a daily basis, it takes an enormous amount of strength that i can't even fathom... I just need to vent i guess...
I don't have many friends, and barely have a big family. I remember as a kid i could not wait for Christmas to come around, My family hosted dinners, i got presents, i had friends to talk to and for the past 3 years i even had a girlfriend to attend to (who I've been broken up with for 3 months now).
I see all these snapchats and photos of people with family and friends, and here i am absolutely down on life, completely alone in my room... We don't have big family get together anymore, it's just myself, my brother and my parents. we have a nice lunch but then go in our separate rooms.
It hurts seeing other soo happy with family and friends. it's been like this for a fair few years now and it's just getting progressively worse.. I'm not even excited.
I know others have it even more lonely, and i have nothing but respect for you. anyone who is alone this christmas, we should have a huge discord christmas party or something... i dont know.
for what it's worth, happy holidays! i really hope next year brings each and every one of you joy.
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self.depression
|
My five year plan failed As per title. My Lifeline 5 year plan has now come to an end wthout success. This is no ones fault bar my own/
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
I just can't do it anymore. Every day is a struggle. Every day is a fight against myself. I have PTSD, I do nightmares every damn night since I'm 6. I go to therapy once a week but I don't see the point anymore. The pills don't help, the psychiatrist neither.
I don't want to get out of bed. I don't want to try again, it's been 10 years that it's the same. Nothing changes, I'm a mess and I want to die. I live in a constent atrocious circle and I can't escape. I'm tired. So tired. It's worse every morning, the only moment when I don't feel nothing is when I'm feeling pain, hurting like a stab in the chest.
I want to sleep and never wake up, it's too much to bear.
I just needed to get this all off my chest. I'm sorry.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Rant about phones and depression/anxiety I think smartphones are so distracting. At least for me that was the case. I would listen to music everywhere I went, and whenever I saw another human being I would whip out the phone and pretend to be texting like we all do. But I realized that at least for me, its just distracting. It doesn't help the anxiety, it just makes it worse by avoiding the practice, the practice you need to try to do everyday. Practice walking down the street, and if you see another person, really become aware of your feelings and body language. Our minds and bodies are intertwined and both affect the other. If you feel scared/anxious, your body will show it. But if you work on body language first I've noticed it helps you mind to. Walk tall, hold your head high. Walk at a comfortable pace. take your hands out of your pockets. put the phone and music away. At first its kind of boring. Then you start getting more familiar with yourself and how your mind works, and each day it will get easier- this is also called mindfulness, and meditation helps a lot. At least it did for me.
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self.depression
|
[Rambling] Life for me these past months... Since graduating from college last december of 2016, the only means for me to communicate with my friends in person was my contract job. It gave me an excuse to see my friends since my work was close by our school by train. Unfortunately my contract had to end sooner than expected since the company couldn’t afford me anymore. And for the past 6 months I’ve been job hunting with no success at all. My friends live all the way near DC and Maryland while I’m the only one stuck at a small town in VA that nobody knows. Plus I don’t have a car nor can I drive.
And lately I’ve just been cutting off communication with online friends for the past couple of months just wanting to get away from social interactions with personal friends. And for the past week, I’ve been cooped up in bed barely coming out of my room. My mom’s trying to reach out to me, but I don’t I have the will to reciprocate. I used to go to therapy while I still had work but lately I can’t afford it anymore with no permanent job and dangeriously late school loan bills. And now my suicidal thoughts are coming back in full throttle.
The running theme for these suicidal thoughts have been usually “I tired of having to experience these thoughts. They never go away. I just want to die just to finally be apart from them.”
That’s been life for me for these past months and right now I’m having a hard time finding a silver lining in my situation that I’m driven so close to attempt an overdose episode of painkillers, fully aware of the exceuciating painful reprocussions according to my personal research.
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self.depression
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Extremely low right now... I've been depressed most of my life, and it never seems to get better. Psychiatrists, amazing therapists, supportive family, and amazing friends. I change my lifestyle to be healthier and I still get this way. I try meds and it gets worse or slightly manageable to where I avoid problems and bottle them up.
I've got an amazing scholarship to a college that I love, and my senior year of high school has been alright. I go through the motions, talk to the people I enjoy, and try to be an all around good person. At work my coworkers look up to me and stuff, but it feels like I'm in a big whirlpool slowly spinning to the bottom.
Tonight, I was laying in bed and I just became overwhelmed and started thinking about what life would be like if I was gone. Tears came rushing out and it scared the living hell out of me. I don't want to think like this but it feels like I can't control it.
Anyways, I haven't had a serious relationship in awhile and that does bum me out, but I've gotten to the point to where I don't see a point in trying. I don't want to be with anyone. I was thinking a little while ago and it really made me happy to think about dropping the idea of college and going out west. As soon as I turn 18 I could just transfer to a Walgreens out west and get by there till I'm happy. I dunno... Please help
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self.depression
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First time actually wrting something about my depression.. Im an introvert person who doesn’t know how to make friends and socially awkward. Im not good at anything, im not handsome, im skinny and ugly and even my voice sounds terrible. I feel like when someone is whispering and giggling, they are making fun of me. When im outside in public places, i feel very insecure always putting my head down to the floor hoping no’one see’s me. It feels like everyone is looking at me like a dogshit moving around. Im no one’s favorite person and no one care’s who i am. I really like being alone but sometimes, i’m desperate for a warm friend that i can
hug and lean on to. I have few friends but the relationship is meaningless and shallow. I wish i had someone calling me and texting me first... or i could just end this right now
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self.depression
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Every-time I look at myself. I feel even worse. [removed]
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self.depression
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My friends hate me for trying to kill myself [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Yeah, I'll probably cheat on my SO in 2 days [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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I cried tonight realizing that suicide was not an option anymore For most of my life, I have found tremendous comfort in knowing that suicide was a dependable way out when everything was just too much. Like a safety net... but the opposite. In my mind I would play out different scenarios -- some quick and practical, others more extravagant and poetic. I would always get that same feeling of freedom that people do when they imagine winning the lotto. It was a huge help.
Recently, I have been supporting my wife through a very difficult period of grieving, and tonight I realized that if I was to end my life, it would completely break her. So now, with great sadness, I have had to say goodbye to my reliable friend and protector. The future seems so much harder now. Thanks for listening.
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self.SuicideWatch
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My mum recovered from cancer and I wish she didn't. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Is it wrong to feel overwhelmed or am I just being dramatic? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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Worst Monday Ever [Serious] [NAW] So this happened to me this Monday. Thursday prior my moms car broke down so I had to arrange transportation services. My city has a busline called Open Door, where they pick you up at your stop and drive you to your destination with little to no other stops.
That was SOOOOOO not the case on that day. I told them when I scheduled my ride that I needed to be at my college BEFORE 10:30 AM due to that being when my first class of the day started. Well the soonest they could arrange a pickup time was 9:50 AM. They did not pick me up until 10:10 AM!! I also forgot my phone. There was me and two other people on the bus. Well this greenhorn bus driver decides to take the longass scenic route and decides to drop off the other two people first! She stated that she only had two days of training and is not familiar with the area. I arrived at my college BY 11:30 AM! My first class gets out at 11:45!! So I told her to drop me off at the colleges Campus Center instead. We left my house at 10:10 AM, so I had spent more than an hour on that bus when it should have only been a 15 to 20 minute trip.
I had to send an email later that evening to my professor and my fellow teammates why I was not able to make it to class. Last week I was not there on Wednesday due to recovering from a burst ovarian cyst. I did not roast the driver but instead I said in a monotone voice upon checking the time "I'm late for class." The lady apologized and once again took forever to get me to my destination.
Oh but the story doesn't end there! After leaving my Geology class (which is my last class on Mondays) there was a bunch of freaking Evangelicals and one was blocking my way and handed me a piece of cardstock, on it was some usual church bullshit propaganda. By this time I was SO DONE with people. I yelled at her "I'M PRESBYTERIAN YOU ASSHOLE!!" I then proceeded to shred the paper and throw it in the trashcan. A young man thanked me as she had been bugging him as well.
When I got to the colleges campus center for the second time I was waiting for my second Open Door bus and they were also off-schedule. After having such a shitty day and needing something to comfort me I went to the Barnes & Noble on campus and bought a small soft unicorn with my university's name on a bandanna around its neck. I named it Sylvia. An Open Door bus kept going back and forth in the street and whenever I tried to run over to it (as I thought it was my bus) it would drive away. This happened four or five times. It was completely dark outside by this point. I was scared, cold, and crying. Finally the bus pulled up and picked me up, I cried the entire way home. When I finally got home I just plopped down onto the couch and continued to cry.
((Thankfully the car was fixed Tuesday evening and I no longer have to use the Open Door service for the time being.))
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self.offmychest
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What keeps you from ending your life? A lot of posts from us, wanting to end our lives. What stops us?
For me it’s one, my mother is still alive, and two, method. My mother was recently diagnosed with cancer, and had surgery. She’s 85 years old, and likely doesn’t have many years left. My suicide would devastate her.
Two, is how I would end my life. I want a clean, not-too-painful death. I plan on overdosing when my time is up. I read suicides by overdoses are rarely successful. Perhaps most attempts are poorly thought out and do not take enough of the right drugs, or change their mind when they still can.
I have 75 10/325 Hydrocodone-Acetaminophen tablets and 12 muscle relaxant tablets left over from a recent surgery. I am confident this dosage would be sufficient. My only reluctance is the acetaminophen dosage would ruin my liver should I survive the initial attempt. Or just draw out the overdose from ‘going to sleep and not waking up’ to a slow, painful death over a few days.
I do not own a gun. Too messy. I do not like the idea of hanging myself, jumping of a bridge, building, or train.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Tried killing myself for the 5th time, girlfriend mad at me I just need to talk to someone, anyone I don't care please I just really want to die right now. Last night I was just sad and alone, I tried slitting my wrists but my knife wasn't sharp enough to go deep so I got really drunk and tried to do it again but I couldn't. That was my 5th attempt, I ended up telling my girlfriend about it today and she's really pissed off at me.
She asked me why I didn't call her or message her and I was honest and said because I was planning to die, I didn't message anyone. She was still really mad at me, and honestly I just wanted some comfort. It was a phone call and I was crying non-stop throughout it. I just needed someone to tell me it'll be okay but she just got mad at me and made me feel so much worse.
She has a bunch of her own problems, depression, suicide attempts self harmed etc. She cut herself for the first time in years this week, I told her that if she ever wants to cut again to text me or call me and I'll be there for her. But she just started laughing because it was ironic.
I just really want to die, even more then I did last night. She's gone to sleep now but I don't know what to do, she's the only person I tell my feelings to. I'm sorry if this doesn't make sense I just want to talk to someone, thanks
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anyone recognizing this? Feeling extremely bad and then totally anxious free on the same day Hi! New here. I don’t want to just shout out my misery but just like want to know if someone is having the same experience as I have. I am suffering with free floating anxiety on the theme “ I will never be well again” This have escalated the last year after moving back home from abroad after a failed relationship because of my anxiety problems. I was obssesive, ocd behavior, over if the relationship would work out or not which went into a anxious spiral that finally defeated me and I had to move home. I am still extremely sad after losing her but it is what it is and now I have to focus on getting better and get my life back on track. I have been handling my life pretty good before but always had anxiety in the background but now things have turned much much worse with anxiety that affect my life ALOT on daily bases. Enough about that. I know a lot of people have ups and downs and that is normal but I would like to know If someone is experiencing the same as me which is the following: I wake up in the morning, feeling extremely anxious and want to cancel everything. Negative thoughts, afraid of anything, what ifs, I will never be “normal” again, afraid of anxiety, sucicdal thinking etc etc. 5 out of 5 in anxiousness. Most of the time I force myself to do things anyway even do its very hard and I sometimes reach the scale 3 out of 5 or something during the day but still have this anxiety pounding in the background and I do not feel like the person I was before or the person I want and know I can be. Then sometimes I feel the anxiety release it’s grip a little bit and then suddenly I can feel perfectly good in the evening. Not always but sometimes its 0 out O in anxiousness. It’s like have taking an illegal drug and I truly can feel the anxiety realease it’s grip TOTALLY. I get plans for the future like getting myself a job, contact girls, planning to go to a party next weekend or go run and I really really feel that I will never feel bad again. I feel like I can not understand how that could be possible to feel bad again. But then...the day after it’s all the same again. I am taking 100 mg of Sertraline since 9 weeks. Do not feel any change. Mostly things are getting worse ( had to move to my parents house) but I will probably stick with it for 3 weeks more or so depending on what doc says. Starting counseling with psychologist next week. Anyone recognize this, feeling so extremely bad and then totally anxious free on the same day?
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self.Anxiety
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When I’m at home, I get sad that I’m missing the life out there, but when I go out, all I wanna do is get back home [deleted]
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self.depression
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Very depressed today. No longer have even the slightest motivation, drive, or commitment to even do anything anymore. Hell, I'm too depressed to even jack myself off anymore. I live in a nowhere hub town full of absolutely jack shit to do and no friends I can even fully relate to, and no girlfriend. I've fantasized about dying a few times and yet, still avoid danger on instinct, which is hilarious.
A lot of things about myself are hilarious, but that's because I'm so pathetic.
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self.depression
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I'm so scared of being alone Recently, a lot has changed in my social life. Since I'm not the best storyteller I'll sum it up:
friend 1: He is my ex boyfriend, but we stayed in touch and kept up a friendship. He was very important to me, and I know I'm important to him too, but he couldn't get past the regret of breaking up with me. He would often break down and tell me how much he wants me back, how much he regrets being a jerk etc. at one point he randomly groped my breasts, which I was NOT OKAY with since I have a boyfriend of 2,5 years (even if I don't it wouldn't be okay). I decided to cut ties with him, it was just too much.
friend 2: In the course of a few months I got super close with this person. We called each other, met up a few times a week, talked about our feelings and secrets. I thought I had met a true friend for life. But on a trip us and a group of his friends took together, He suddenly let me know that he doesn't see me as a friend and that all his behaviour towards me was 'fake' and that I haven't met his 'true self' yet. I was heartbroken and felt kind of betrayed. I tried to message him a few times but everytime I did I reminded myself of that conversation and just felt too weird to do it. So basically we don't talk anymore.
friend 3: Suddenly stopped talking to me, simple as that. I don't know why. When I send him a message, he responds, but I have to keep the conversation going. When we meet up (on my request) He says he suddenly feels super tired after a few hours and goes home (before we would stay up untill 2 am talking about things and having a good time) I don't know what to do.
and the final straw is my boyfriend. He told me yesterday he needs a break from our relationship, we fight too much and it's getting to him. So I won't see him for a while.
This all happened in the course of 2 months. It feels like slowly, all the people I love are disappearing from my life, and I don't know what to do. I'm not the kind of person that is very popular and has a lot of friends. I'm an introvert, and I don't make friends easily. I've lost about 80% of my social life by now in 2 months and I'm so scared to be alone. I don't know what to do or where to go. I also live far away from my family which makes it worse. I don't understand what I'm doing wrong. I try to be friendly, to be positive, to be there for people when they need me. I try to listen, to help. I just feel heartbroken. I don't have anyone to talk to about it since all the people I would tell this to are gone from my life now, that's why I'm putting it here. Thanks for reading.
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self.offmychest
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I want to dress like a cute anime girl. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Going off my med A little background I’ve always been an anxious person, never affected my life badly, but two years ago when I started college and everything went terribly( things weren’t terrible but it’s my damn brains perception of it)
I have been on cipralex ( lexpro) for a year, first few weeks were absolutely shit, now it’s the best thing I’ve taken in my life and I’m going off it in a month.
I’m glad my anxiety became a lot worse in the past two years because before then I would never step out of my comfort zone and now I seek every opportunity to leave my comfort zone( well not every opportunity lol)
My question really is, were you able to live a normal-ish life after going off your meds?
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self.Anxiety
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Good dreams are worse than nightmares because when i wake up from a nightmare at least i realize it wasn’t real.
but when i wake up from a good dream i realize that it won’t ever be real.
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self.depression
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I want it to stop 5 and a half year relationship ended with her walking out because she's embarrassed by my lack of motivation. She found someone else. Everything hurts. I tried to end it. U just want the pain to stop
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't want children but I think I might be having another miscarriage and I'm devastated I've been pregnant a total of three times and I'm barely 21. The first time was when I was 14, I miscarried before 8 weeks but it was probably for the best.
The second was when I was in an abusive relationship at 16 and my partner, who was much older than me, made me have an abortion.
A few weeks ago I was sort of assaulted by a friend and I've suspected that I was pregnant again for about a week but I was too scared to do anything about it. Today I just started bleeding, 3 weeks before I was meant to get my period. I was physically ill with stress over this weekend, because something else, and accompanied by an excessive amount of alcohol consumption, I think it might be happening again.
I don't want children, I don't feel any sort of maternal instinct towards children and I'd be a terrible mother anyway. I just feel bad that this keeps happening, I've never actively tried to have a miscarriage and I didn't want my abortion. I've always said that if I got pregnant then I'd keep it because it's my fault and my responsibility. I'd try my best to be a good parent because it isn't the child's fault it exists. I feel bad that I haven't stuck to that, the guilt of all of this is killing me.
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self.offmychest
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Stuck in the same apartment as my ex who raped me [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Will the need to clench my teeth go away while on venlafaxine? I’ve been on it for three days now and I’ve noticed I’m clenching my teeth during the day, and I was grinding my teeth last night.
This isn’t new to me because every SSRI I’ve been on has caused this same damn side effect! Thankfully I have a night guard to protect my teeth.
I thought I’d give this one a go because it’s an SNRI and I was wondering if maybe Increasing the norepinephrine might have a better effect.
I’m on 75mg XL and I’ve just found out that it only works on the serotonin at this dosage.
I also have Tourette’s and I’m wondering if it’s something to do with my already imbalanced neurotransmitters.
I’m in the uk and I don’t think they’re keen on prescribing NRIS or NDRIS.
My psychiatrist is happy to put me on seroquel and clonazepam though, which neither of them work.
So sick of trying medication and nothing working. I’ve been on so many now that I’ve just lost all hope.
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self.Anxiety
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If Anyone Came Here To Help Save A Life, Plz Give Me Feedback On My Situation. =[[[ I'm kind of in a serious situation. It really sucks. Your input might literally save my life, because I've considered ending it over this honestly it's bad. Hear me out. Okay so.
I've always been kind of an socially anxious tense nervous "brain damaged" kid. My mom never breastfed me, dad was never home working all the time, earliest experiences with others outside immediate family like other children bullied me, girls / first crushes and love like laughed at me and were super mean like giving back my gifts on valentines day or and laughing and screaming at me to get away and the whole class uproaring in laughter, pretending to like me or ask me out in front of their friends, adult teachers being incredibly mean to me making me cry often and embarrassing me, wow, so, I guess I got a little less tense and awkward and anxious around people as I grew up, but it was still kinda always there.
When I was a in a fish bowl of high school / college, I had friends. Everyone had commonalities - we were all either learning cool subjects and Majoring in similar things, going out to get wasted and do ridiculous hilarious fun things and chase girls, or in high school it was all about liking the same bands, having inside jokes about the same movies laughing about them together and quoting them, liking similar bands, video games, relationships, movies, similarities like that - like meeting people in your same classes from almost being forced to see them again and again and again, finding common interests, going out outside of school to just hang out and do whatever.. Then you'd work some minimum wage job, meet a few people that way, interact and joke with them or interact with them or whatever, same thing being "forced" to see them over and over and over again, so you naturally sort of become close and friends, often at places like the gym or at school, right? So then comes my next step in life after college: Get a career, right?
Well, because the social anxiety thing was always with me causing distress, I began to spend a lot of time in my 3rd / 4th year of college in my room. I'm a MASSIVE introvert. I'd still socialize and stuff but since it was ALWAYS painful and I was forced around others through school or work, I decided to try to end the pain by spending more time alone to get relief and pursue personal goals like music, reading, art, and making money online. My roommates would joke and say I wouldn't "come out of my cave" and stuff. I decided instead of doing some stressful job around the chaos of other people all day, which exhausts me, I'd build an internet company. Turns out it was a massive success. I made $100k my first year. Right out of college.
I bought my own apartment, then a house, all on my own, new areas. I was really scared to go out and be seen vulnerable in distress and stuff I rarely did. Just like to the market, and maybe the beach.
I'm not a virgin. I used to get drunk and had a lot of random sex. I can get the engine going if I needed to. Being alone all the time though and having a sex drive, I began to view pornography and masturbating. It became an addiction. I mean who doesn't want to view beautiful HD women doing stimulating things in the privacy and comfort of your own house? I kept putting going out and meeting people in the future "when I.... [insert excuse]" because it was so uncomfortable and stressful and not enjoyable for me.
Okay so fast forward. The damage has been done. Looking back I have been 4-5 years next to totally alone, I've seen no one but my parents occasionally, the internet business kinda tanked and I've been living back at my parents house I'm almost 30 years old.
I now suffer from intense depression. I guess as we age we begin to decline. My brain was always fragile. Now even more so. Mental health challenge. I became a workaholic trying to rescue the internet business (Think me in a room spending time on a computer allllllll day...... totally alone) anyways now I am suuuupppeeerrr exhausted and depressed most of the day. I am like weak and terrified to leave my front door. My looks, youth, and hairline are starting to go.
I'm now at the point where I see groups of more adult "normal" people my age like going out to amazing places, going on Friday night dates, I just can't take the isolation anymore. And I don't know how to get out of it. The obstacle is that:
1) I'm very sick, depressed and tired, most of the day. I'm weaker than most other people my age it feels like :(. I don't have as much stamina. I can't party like I did in college. I have to go to bed early. Who cares? I feel like an old man. So if I begin making friends / dating, how would I keep up with them, and wouldn't any woman my age just hop over to the next normal, socially functioning guy who with a job and friends and who can take her on all these amazing dates and have sex way longer pleasing her more than me and stuff? So I thought baby steps step one for me would be just making friendships and building social skills, networking, just starting going out of the house again, right?
2) I have NO IDEA where to go to meet people in the adult world, to make friends, especially being challenged like this so I can practice and build social skills. Sitting in a room alone all day typing on a screen and "making love" to pixels has made me somewhat weird, or at least conditioned to be different from most everyone else, I'm sure. So, back to the point, where does any adult go, who missed a career, to meet people and make friends and build his social skills? Like I said I am pretty sick with depression, I can hardly have the physical energy or stamina to do much so I don't think working a job all day around people is feasible, plus, aren't people miserable at their jobs anyways? My parents said I can die in this house and inherit it. I have a car. But where do I go? I feel so weird at this point, isolated, cut off, disconnected, I don't fit in anywhere. I've literally thought about suicide. I don't know why anyone would want to be my friend, especially as I get uglier, older, and weaker, more tired, less fun right? I mean, in the adult world, other than immediate family and work, do people even have friends? I literally don't know anymore what to do, or how to fix myself and fit in again and find love and community. I think I am just going to go walk around theme parks or something. Maybe start going to concerts and hope for the best? But these are events, how would that work for a consistent social network or circle and me being able to practice in a safe learning environment, where I'm not bullied and laughed at by other functioning incredible people? I feel like this Earth has left me nowhere to go.
I walk up to people limping and challenged super vulnerable and shy, it's super sad and probably I'm not an immediate pick to be a top choice friend or lover. If you read this far, your input could literally be saving my life, I mean if I approached you at a bar or something, would YOU want to invite me over to hang out or be my long-term lover? I'm so depressed / exhausted nervous and tense around others these days guys, seeing everyone out laughing and normal on a Saturday night is killing me guys, thank you so much for your feedback.
PEACE.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Some place to go The life of a social outcast seems worse than nothing
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self.depression
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I think i have a plan now... So here's some back story first and I'll try and keep it short. I've suffered from severe depression for quite a many years and even lost a girlfriendbecause we didn't understand at the time why i would constantly feel like utter shit. But I've grownand well things aren't all that better. I'm in huge financial debt and back payments that i can't find a way to fix even though I've been constantly looking for work but overnight part time is apparently hard to come by. I watch my child 24/7 and when his mom (my gf) comes home from work, i don't really get a break. I understand she's tired to from being the only income but i man everything is left on me. I do the house work and the cleaning and the cooking and I'll admit i didn't mind in the beginning when i moved in but then i realized there was no balance and i started getting a little lazy about stuff I'll admit. Especially after she would tell everyone that she does everything with no help so i let it be true and started waiting for her to clean for me to help out. Moving on. I've recently learned she's actually developing a drinking problem because of my depression so my feeling like complete shit is screwing her up because I'm not the best at understanding howto convey many emotions and feelings or how to describe when things are wrong. Hell I've stayed bottling up everything since she's always stressed and overwhelmed. I actually started an experiment where when we have arguments where she'll blame me for something completely stupid or blow something out of proportion, I'll openly talk down about myself in some way and she'll just go along with it. Moving on. I've lost all interest in anything that used to bring me joy. I haven't been able to even finish AC Origins which i love the game but just can't bring myself to it anymore. Nor horizon zero dawn. Or any game i have. All just lost the appeal. I don't draw anymore or write or user my camera for anything and it feels like a huge chore to even try. And lately it feels like there's constant screaming in my head. I'm not hearing voices but it's hard to describe. A few days before the new year i tried to kill myself until i realized i didn't really plan any part of it. I left no note or anything. So, I'm gonna write a letter to the few people that mean the most to me and when i write the last one, I'll just end it. I can't really see a point in contributing on. Sorry fit the wall of text ..
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self.SuicideWatch
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Trigger Warning: Scared about the future, facing my illness Hello friends,
I barely know where to start. I’m a 29 year old woman who was misdiagnosed with depression in high school, which led to a Zoloft prescription, which led to a pretty intense (and almost effective) suicide attempt, which led to a lifelong fear of medication. As in, I don’t take aspirin for headaches...
I was put on everything under the sun in the hospital, which also contributed to my fear of medications, namely how much of a zombie, blank sheet of paper I felt. I pretty much instantly stopped meds after I got out of the hospital, and through a combination of mandatory therapy and an IEP at school, was able to graduate successor and head off to college, where I binge drank on and off and finally curved my self-injury habit (going on 4 years with no SI)
Fast forward to April 2013, where I was located very near the finish line at the Boston Marathon bombing. This experience, coupled with 2 years of a NIGHTMARISH relationship with an Iraqi war vet and rampant alcoholic, sent me into the worst manic episode I’ve ever experience, lasting for a week during which I lost several pounds and culminated in putting my hand through a window, severing tendons and generally almost killing me for a second time.
I was hospitalized again and diagnosed with Acute Stress Disorder. Following hospitalization, I really got better quickly due to a joint effort of partial hospitalization, group therapy and Risperidone (which I stopped taking after about a month when I begin to be able to self-regulate sleep and also got pretty paranoid about weight gain, which ultimately did happen to the tune of about 20lbs....)
Present day: I recently moved to South Carolina with my fiancé, and started a pretty stressful position at work. He actually caught the beginning of a manic episode and was a DREAM bringing me to the ER and getting me straight again. The ER docs were awesome in providing me an Rx for Risperidone on the fly. Seriously, all of those handsome men (mine included) potentially saved my life.
Okay now the issues:
1) Risperidone has me leaking discharge from my breasts, which aside from being gross and pretty painful, seems like something I’m unwilling to deal with long term. I’m finally at the point of acceptance with my disease where I’m ready to get on board with a daily med and some talk therapy, but I am notoriously noncompliant because I hate the fucking side effects. Also I suffer predominant from mania, and I seem to read a lot about these medications for bipolar that treat the depressive aspect, which makes me nervous given my past history with Zoloft.
2) I am terrified that a) my fiancé will leave me when he realizes just how bad this can be or b) I will do something godawful to him like cheat due to hyper sexuality or kill myself or self injure and leave him dealing with the mess and those two thoughts make me so upset, it’s hard to get over it
3) I’m getting ready to start thinking about having children and the more I read, the more it seems like I just shouldn’t procreate, which makes me so sad I can’t handle it. I’ve always wanted to take part in something I consider to be an integral part of the human experience, and it saddens me to read the myriad number of ways Bipolar can royally fuck up a pregnancy/baby/life
Tl;dr Feeling really defeated by Bipolar. Need to feel like this isn’t the worst thing in the goddamn world.
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self.bipolar
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It came Back. I am the type of person who reads through all of your comments and never speaks a word. But in real life I never really shut up. I used to have panic attacks constantly back when I was in my mid 20's living out west. I moved back home, to the east. I have an amazing girlfriend, a nice house, we even own a dog. But I have never felt worse.
I feel like I can never catch my breath, I always feel like no matter how much air I suck in that I am constantly suffocating. I am only typing this right now because I had probably one of my top 3 panic attacks ever earlier last night. Nothing really happened to spur it, it just sort of happened. Was watching tv and playing a game on my laptop and I just felt like I couldn't catch my breath, I felt like I was doomed, that I was going crazy and everything wasn't real.
I just laid in the bed and took some of my medication (benzos) and hoped it would pass soon. But it didn't, it took forever. My girlfriend sit behind me on the bed and held me while I let a fan blow in my face because I felt I couldn't get any air.
I hate this, I feel alone in all of it. Sometimes I feel like nothing is real and it is just me fighting this all day everyday.
I had a great job for a while and this shit came back with such a vengeance, I had to quit. Because I am afraid to even drive or ride in a car. I have left the house twice in the past two months. My family is pissed because I didn't come to thanksgiving with them and I feel so overwhelmed. I know this a lot, but if there is anyone out there that remotely can feel what I have felt, please say something. Because I have prayed, begged and pleaded with just about any deity I can think of for some sort of help.
TLDR - I have crippling anxiety and feel like I can't breath, make me feel like I am not alone.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I know this may sound really screwed up but does anyone kinda miss feeling depressed..? I can't explain it. Sometimes I just feel like I want to go back to feeling depressed. Like I miss not feeling or miss not caring about anything anymore..
Or just...maybe I felt more comfortable like that or used to it. I really don't know how to explain it. Has anyone else felt this way or am I just crazy?
|
self.depression
|
i just want to feel loved or people to feel exicited to see me, I'm sick of people using me to better themselves
|
self.depression
|
It's been a month One month since I saw my friend laying in the
road under her car. She was less than ten minutes ahead of me on the long straight road leading to our school when she fell asleep at the wheel.
It only took a few seconds for her to lose control and for the car to flip and partially eject her. I arrived at the scene before emergency services but there was nothing to be done. She was face down in a puddle of blood and I couldn't tell it was her, but the clothes spilling out of the vehicle told me it was bound to be someone I know, as it was the end of thanksgiving break.
She was my friend, my sorority sister, my role model, and nothing has been the same.
Is it possible to get over this? Ever since, life has felt meaningless. Whats the point in staying alive if everything can be taken away so quickly...
|
self.offmychest
|
What’s the best prescription drug for depersonalization, severe anxiety, panic attacks, ect. that I can take often, but safely? [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
I'm terribly Sad. My wife cheated and left taking it They e I don't sleep and that makes my back kill mei haa long swtsort short, I've also [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Sick of the cycle I'm sick of it all. Sick of doing the same nonsense bullshit over and over again.
Started my Master's Degree this year because I'm unable to fucking grow up and apply for jobs in my field. Made a huge deal out of it all for months and told myself I'd start early and stop doing my bullshit.
Yet, once again - like every time I've said that, I keep on doing this bullshit where I'm doing no work and can't drive myself to do any work in any manner. It's just an absolutely total stupid mess of me lying to myself and others in a mess of highs and meddling lows.
It makes me so sick of myself.
Yet still I'm so torn between having no desire to do work because I see no point in it, and feeling the need to do work but being unable to do so. Why the fuck am I like this, what's the point in even working towards anything when I'm constantly falling down and failing to function.
|
self.bipolar
|
Feeling like unwanted garbage. I keep feeling these cycles of feeling really cared about and happy and then after what feels like no time at all... it's like the spell is broken and I see the truth of it all. And I realize that I just don't matter, no one cares about me, and I'm just not going anywhere in life.
I'm just so terribly alone. My closest friend is acting as though she's embarrassed to be my friend, and keeps wanting space from me, yet reaches out to other people constantly. I am happy that she's getting support for her own issues, but I used to be her go-to person for everything, and supported her through some horrible challenges in her life, and now it seems like everyone knows more than me about what's going on in her life and we barely talk. Except for when she needs something from me, and then of course I hear from her. If she didn't need anything from me, I bet I'd go months without hearing from her, and she probably wouldn't even notice if I just disappeared forever.
I will never be able to make enough money to move out from my family's house.
I'm never going to get a real job. I'm going to be a part time administrative assistant for the rest of my life.
My master's degree is fucking useless, and I can't even get an internship.
I'm never going to get over my terror of dating again after my breakup.
My ex is over me and going to have me replaced any minute now and I'm nowhere close to doing the same.
I just feel like there's no point to anything.
I'm absolutely useless, unloveable, trash.
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Saw a new photo of my ex-girlfriend for the first time in a month She left me on December 2nd after 2 years together due to feeling like she was stuck in a rut and that we didn’t have enough in common to keep it going. I tried everything I could to keep us together, but her mind was made up.
A month later, it still hurts like hell, but I feel like I’m healing slowly. I deleted all photos of her off my phone, blocked her on Facebook and temporarily deactivated my own profile, and basically just went radio silent on social media.
Well today, I reactivated my Instagram and forgot that I hadn’t blocked her on there. A photo of her from New Year’s Eve came up, and she looked amazing. She looked absolutely beautiful, all dolled up, with a guy I didn’t recognize. I couldn’t tell if it was romantic or not, it didn’t look like it, but seeing her look so good hurt all the same.
We both gained a bit of weight while dating, as you do, and I was used to her being comfortable and never wearing makeup or dressing nice around me. And then I see her looking like this.
It hurts. Real bad.
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm Sleeping In The Backyard Tonight I have been so emotional lately. It's possibly because I stopped my medication cold turkey (couldn't afford to refill, also kind of giving up on everything).
I have been so anxious lately! Uncomfortable, squirmy, and just weird. So tonight I got home late from hanging out with a friend. It's midnight and I don't have my keys. But I don't want to wake anyone up (seems rude), so I am going to sleep in on of the backyard lounge chairs.
I currently am wearing a coat, scarf, gloves, and have a picnic blanket pulled over me. It's going to be an interesting morning tonight.
***Update***: It's 2am and I am now in my bed. I thought I could sleep through it but *fuck* it's cold (34°F)! Plus, I heard rustling and looked up to see two large stray dogs. One of them looked me in the eye. I was terrified.
So I finally got up and started knocking again. No luck. Went to the front door and rang the doorbell 20 times. Nothing. Finally knocked on the bedroom window until I woke someone up. Hooray.
I am so warm now
|
self.Anxiety
|
Could I be bipolar? For years I've been dealing with what feels like cycles of depression. I'll descend into a deep depression over the course of 2-3 weeks and then immediately feel great (but not manic) for a few days before the cycle starts again. In the past year the depressions have gotten worse to the point of me attempting suicide twice and self-harming frequently.
I now see a therapist and psychiatrist and they've put me on lamictal, wellbutrin, and abilify. I've tried several meds and lamictal has by far been the most helpful in keeping me emotionally stable, without significant side effects.
My psychiatrist has diagnosed me as having major depressive disorder. He claims I'm not bipolar because I haven't experienced any manic episodes, but I don't feel like MDD fully describes my symptoms.
Could I be bipolar, or do I just have recurrent depression with mood swings?
|
self.bipolar
|
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