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Tolerance Hi all. This is just going to be a sort of monologue of mine, you don't have to read or upvote it. I am posting it here because I believe it's a safe space and I also think that someone might read it.
I called up a friend telling him that I didn't wish to attend any future class meet ups, because of certain people in my class. I felt some of them had done atrocious things to me which I was very hurt and angered about.
When he heard this, he told me that I should let it go and even though he had been f ked over by the same persons, he didn't hold grudges towards them or anything or the sort.
When I heard this, I had the thought in the back of my mind: why is my friend so disrespectful towards himself? Someone previously f ked you over and yet you're still able to get over it and ignore it. How?
Then I realized perhaps they were just tolerant. Tolerant of people giving them shit. I'm not though. People who have done shit to me won't get their just desserts. I don't want revenge, I only want to run the f k away from these people as far as possible. I want to never ever see them again.
Talking to them feels like I am disrespecting myself, I could never do that. I don't want to be like my friend who acts like a fucking slave; he becomes friends with people that fucked them over because friend = good.
Don't you see you're making a mistake? Why do you even think of tolerating nonsensical people? It's disgusting to me really.
As time goes by I can hardly even see the goodness in people anymore. They show me one side of their badness I remember it forever. I don't bother using it against them or whatever. I just run.
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self.depression
|
oh my god another project/obsession in the last year i have bought herbalism courses, invested in crystals, had a brief stint in essential oils, invested in gardening equipment and planters (RIP my lil squashies), spent wayyy too much fuckin money in home automation. this list is just from the top of my head. my medicated head. this is me "managing."
and so when i say this, please understand that from the bottom of my heart i know it is ridiculous (OR MAYBE IT ISN'T) but bear with me
i want to start a bakery
(please laugh with me so i don't cry alone)
so here's the deal.
i don't even know how it started. i made a cake one time and it got to my head to be honest. then i started getting more in-depth and i'm doing ridiculous shit like making bread and cake and frosting and candy and sauces and rolls from scratch. *and they're actually good.* on a whim i posted one of the things i make to a local buy/sell/trade group. i got six messages and two customers. one of which has placed three more orders since then. it was supposed to just be for the season and she literally asked what it would take for her to keep getting orders past the holidays (?!?). i bake for the people i work with and they love me for it. they'll request i make certain things and it's good! it's actually genuinely good, at least for the town i live in i guess. wtf lmao, yall know this gig, my whole life has been being 25% competent at 150% of things. what is happening.
so now it's in my head to start a fuckin online bakery. and i'm here typing it out to reality check myself.
i came here instead of opening a separate (free) checking account to start tracking my pre- and post-launch expenses. i mean how long is it going to take before i throw in the towel on this? why am i even trying to start? in a few months i'll be over it, right?
or mayyybe it's something i should pursue. maybe i should go ahead and open the account to at least track my shitty fuckin habit. i don't know. i've gone through so many ~phases~ that what's the point of wasting money on this one. i still don't have a solid cupcake recipe. but i do have really *really* good cookies. well, two really good cookies.
but what if it actually works
but what happens when it doesn't
SOMEONE TALK SENSE TO ME WHAT DO I DO
also please tell me all of your past/current/future obsessions because i know this isnt just me
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self.bipolar
|
Today feels like my day, i have the whole day to figure it out. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Nothing is fun Like I said nothing is fun for me and the only person I trust and like doesnt read my message
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self.depression
|
I hate when regular people talk about how "crazy" they are I rage internally when those unaffected by severe mental illness call themselves crazy like it's cute or silly. WHY IS THIS SO COMMON? And then when they see a real crazy bitch, yours truly, SUDDENLY it's not cute anymore. Can keep a job? Have a stable relationship? Never been to the psych ward? Don't take meds? SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT HOW "CRAZY" YOU ARE.
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self.bipolar
|
I really think I'm going to do it I can't stand living anymore. I just don't know how I'm going to kill myself. I don't want it to hurt very much.
I just hate myself. I just feel like I just gave up, let myself go, and existing like this, even with the aim of improvement, hurts more than death will.
I don't know the easiest way to die. or at least the least painful. I don't believe it will get better.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Sick of being thrown back to old states. No need to read this. You can move on.
I just need to write this down because I cannot do it anywhere else and here I've been a long time lurker so I feel I kinda belong, if this even means anything these days for me.
Long time clinical depression and a mix of other stuff (short and long memory problems that include trouble conceptualization mostly when talking, and adhd that simply put, I don't know how to do math, as in I use a calculator to do what 99% of people see as simplest of exercices, go figure if these created the depression or the depression created these anyway). Currently on cipralex and another I forgot the name.
I am currently 29 years old.
I don't have a degree, I don't have friends, obviously no girlfriend because who the fuck would want an asshole with legs like me, but I'm not here to whine about that.
I'm turning 30 soon, and I'll be moving to another location next year, so I have like 15 tabs opened here, looking at job boards and everythuing just reminds me of basically how stupid I am. How fucking stupid, how I sometimes cannot understand basic logic. During the days I deal with my depression. It's these little things that are turning into big things.
I cried for like an hour now, I don't think I even have any tears left and why did I fucking cry? It's my fault, the two hemispheres of my brain (as simply put by the neurologist) are simply not cooperating properly and thus, sometimes I'm a fucking idiot.
I do have a job, because in my job one constantly goes over the same subjects again and again, so it doesn't "let me forget how it's done", so to say.
And there's no job like that where I'm going to.
Going over job ads simply throw me away back in time, just reminds me of how much of an idiot I am. Everything is with a drgree needed, degree in that, degree in this, B.A in whatever, be an engineer, be an experienced business guy and all of a sudden, the heartbeats come. Stronger. Faster. More and more until I can't fucking deal with it. Luckily I don't cut or hurt myself anymore as a mean of punishment for being stupid, so I just went away and curled up and cried in the middle of the kitchen.
Why didn't I learn anything proper like that? I know my mother and father think I'm a failure, even if they don't say it nowadays.
When I was 14 my father "slipped" it inside a sentence (because I quit drums learning), like how I quit everything that I think I'm not good at. Nowadays they just don't say it out loud because t hey know I'm a lost cause anyway. Luckily they have two others (sisters of mine) that are sucesfull, work in offices etc', earn nice wages.
Yes I know that adhd people are succesffull, but I was never. I never made it to the finals in high school because I was a "special case" or whatever it's called.
I have no idea what to do anymore. I can't even qualify to flipping burgers in a fast food restaurant because I'll just ruin everything and angry customers means I'll be fired.
I'm going to sleep, it's 1 AM here now.
They say tomorrow is a new day. Too bad the ones who invented the sentence are probably earning enough and are smart enough to come up with it and say it.
Thank you and bye
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self.depression
|
TW: suicide. Feeling triggered by a recent event at my campus. [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
Bad night I’m sorry that this probably isn’t the right place, but my best friend passed away from suicide 2 years ago and I’ve never understood depression before that. But I have since, and I’ve been doing well, but tonight is just a bad night and I don’t want to actually die but I want to hurt myself. I’m sitting around people right now but they are fake ass friends and I want to go home and hurt myself. I never thought I would be this way and I hate that I am. I’m sorry this is just a rant but I needed to get it out to someone that might understand.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I've been wasting my life away for the past 4 years and I need help Since I was 13 I've had severe depression and crippling anxiety, so bad I once spent a week in an inpatient psychological hospital on suicide watch. I was diagnosed with depression, severe social anxiety, and bipolar 2. When I was 14 I dropped out of school. Since then I've been at home wasting away. I'm 18 now and I still haven't done anything with my life. If I was still in school I would be graduating soon. I haven't made any attempt to get a job or get my GED. I spend all day sleeping or playing video games. My parents are getting sick of me but there's nothing I can do. I have no friends, no motivations, I can't leave my house without having a panic attack. I'm severely underweight and can barely walk across my house without feeling faint. I am seeing a psychologist once a week but combined with my depression and anxiety and just overall laziness I haven't made any progress. I feel like a useless waste of a human. I want to get my GED and get a job and go to college and feel useful but I don't know where to start. My anxiety is going to ruin my life. I feel like I'm ruining my parent's marriage as they are constantly fighting about me all the time. This has been my life for the past 4 years. please help me. I don't know what to do
|
self.Anxiety
|
The confusion in whatever the loss of faith In relationships is [deleted]
|
self.offmychest
|
I'm often angry Even when it doesn't feel like I am in the moment I can always feel it kinda in the back if that makes sense. Sometimes it just flares up and I just want to hurt someone, anyone and I want to hurt myself.
I'll look at myself sometimes and wonder what the hell is wrong with me, why do I keep doing things like catch feeling for someone that I shouldn't have or why didn't I do better on that test or why haven't you lost that last bit of fat? I'll just look and see all of that and just hate it.
I wanted to hit someone in the face a couple weeks ago. I was at a club, I had several drinks in me and some guy sprayed beer on me. I got pretty pissed and I wanted to grab the guys collar and hit him in the face but more intense than that. I wanted to hit him until everything hurt, I wanted him to bleed, I wanted to hear him beg me to stop so I can ignore him and keep hitting him, I wanted to feel my knuckles open, I wanted to keep going until I felt like I couldn't breath and then keep going. I didn't do that but when I didn't suddenly it was like everything made me angry and I couldn't come down. I just wanted to hurt something, I spent most of the rest of that night to myself.
I hate this person, no matter how far I go, what I do I just can't stand me! I hate that I don't understand where it all comes from and it make me hate him more! Fuck him, he's stupid, ugly! Stupid!fuck him fuck him!!! I hate ME!!!! HATE ME!!!!! I KEEP YELLING AT MYSELF IN MY HEAD!!! I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY!!! WHY DO I FEEL WEAK! WHY CAN'T I BE IN CONTROL! WHY CAN'T I FIND SOMEONE WHO LOVES ME!!!!??? BECAUSE HE STUPID!!! STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID SUTPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPID STUPAUHHOHJOBHVHUVHJUVHJUVIHOgviypV-8Y9Aps
I'm not deleting that
Who am I even talking to? Does anyone listen to these? Will anyone ever read this? What's wrong with me?
It's 1:30 in the morning and I'm on here posting on some fucking subreddit. Idiot
Just leave me alone.
|
self.offmychest
|
scared of my mind it’s telling me i don’t deserve anything i want and i get it, shit. it’s so loud here, i just want a break from my own mind
|
self.depression
|
Swiping Tinder I change all the time, can't/don't want to keep the same friends, never satisfied at the NOW. When i have energy, it works. When im low energy, i am alone and lonely.
Maybe i became sex/dating addict over the years. It felt like a drug. Alchol & seduction. His attention all on me. Its easy. Easy to be with somone whoes focus is set on you no matter what. No communication effort. Im just letting all in and out. Im always accepted. Then i got bored of friendship. I think. It doesn't give me the same high i get to experience with guys. High. I was addicted to that state. It also gives me low but, i couldn't give it up.
Now, i still swipe left and right. But at heart, i know i won't find what im looking for finally.
I don't need sex, i don't need high, i need..friends?
I do. How do i make friends now?
With those guys, with some of them at least i got to talk life/philosophy. Talk deep. And actually went to see one of them the other day. Did talk deep but i didn't need sex.
I don't want to go meetup and talk about the weather.
I guess im trying to make a major shif here. Somone interested in jumping in?
|
self.depression
|
I hate the TSA To be fair, not so much TSA, just the process of them checking to see if I am a potential terrorist or not. People with anxiety disorders would make terrible terrorists, but that’s for another post.
I hate that I have to take off my shoes and walk on that disgusting floor. Thousands of people walk on that in either their socks or bare feet every day. Can you imagine the germs? Blah!
I hate that I have to take off most my clothes and stand in a vulnerable position for a few seconds, legs spread and hands above my head, as a machine spins around me. I would much rather have to strip completely naked if it were only in front of one officer.
They don’t even change their gloves when they give you a pat down. Who the hell knows what sorts of diseases people have. They always pick on the people who are crying/in distress.
I apologized to my partner for having to deal with a “crazy person”. Poor guy.
Rant over.
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self.Anxiety
|
I'm addicted to unhappiness and pain I think it's predictable. Happiness is something that is unpredictable. So many songs in my playlist: "chop Suey" by SOAD, "The Change" by Evanescence, Whispers in the Dark"/Skillet, "Given Up"/Linkin Park.
Happiness, deep down, I want so bad. But i rebel against it. I cheat, I lie and say "I'm fine" or "i don't want to talk about it" and my girlfriend says she wishes i would open up more. That she understands not talking.
So, i just listen to my music. Therapist says i should call friends in my group and schedule a party because i graduated from school but i don't call them. I don't want to. I prefer to just stay in my room and watch tv or play games. I don't care. I don't care anymore.
I just want to be left alone. Even girlfriend coming over only distracts me with short-lived [happiness?] until she leaves.
Medication is not something i want. My anger [mania] is trigger based. Happiness [mania] i don't experience. i just get angry-type mania.
There's lines from "The Change" that speaks to me: "I've been screaming on the inside" and "Never meant to lie
But I'm not the girl you think you know
The more that I am with you
The more that I am all alone"
I understand this.
Nobody else does. Chains i wouldn't shirk even if i could.
"You've been dreaming
If you're thinking
That I still belong to you
I've been dying,
'Cause I'm lying to myself"
More like losing myself.
Told my girlfriend that frequently "i feel like i'm losing myself". More like dying inside very slowly. Like a parasite that doesn't kill me. Only weakens me perpetually.
|
self.bipolar
|
I really just want a hug and to be told everything will get better. I really don't want to do this but this seems like the only logical answer left.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I'm deeply in debt and there's no escape I'm 32. I'm graduating in a few weeks. My first loan payments are due the day before my graduation. I'll be on the hook for more than $1000 every month (and yeah, that's if they even approve of the income-based reduction that'll have me paying off these loans into my fucking 60s - otherwise I'll owe more like $1500 a month). I don't have a job, and I only have enough money to last a few months before I run out completely. My interest rate is fucking 13.25% and it just keeps going up. I want to fucking die, but I can't even do that because then the loan will just be passed on to my mother, who was the cosigner, and then she'll die fucking broke. There's no fucking escape. I do not want to live anymore and I don't see how I can possibly have a future that doesn't revolve around eating Ramen every night until I die. I've never made more than $10k a year at any job I've ever had, and I'm already going to owe more than that just on loan payments. This world fucking sucks and I want out. At least if I fucking die I don't have to live my whole life with this constant pain.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
New to Bi+Polar- Medication Got off Seroquel, Lexapro, and Buspar some months ago because my blood was turning into sugar and more near to diabetic than I’d like to be at 22.
Had some hard times last few months without the three meds, only down to Lamatical now. I was wondering if anyone had the same experience after going from a lot of medication that made you feel great (albeit super fat) to feeling damn near every emotion daily. So I wrote this piece in hopes someone could relate:
I’m having a hard time feeling.
I feel tense, but I’m not anxious.
I grimace, but I’m not angry.
I feel tears, but I’m not sad.
I feel manic, but I’m not glad.
Before I was on medication,
I only felt rage, depression, and mania.
Now that I’m on medication,
I feel everything that I deemed extraneous.
I used to feel three emotions at once.
Now I feel one emotion, intensely, for months.
I am starting to wonder if I am decoding things, from long ago, I should have felt.
But I am scared more often than happy because I don’t understand what’s happening to myself.
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self.bipolar
|
Notifications give my anxiety notifications give me anxiety. not the kind of anxiety where im scared to read a text, but the little red dot makes my heart rate pick up. I can't even stand it when the apps on my macbook bounce up and down, or when a "___ send you a message" flashes across the facebook tab. I can't focus on anything but the notification and it drives me insane. It makes me feel so uncomfortable and jumpy.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Generic title for a rant Just, finally, getting things off my chest that have been building up for far too long.
Basically, a year ago, my girlfriend (who suffers from Borderline Personality Disorder, though we didn't know at the time) went into a moodswing common with her disorder, leading to her jumping from obsessing over me to hating me and being repulsed by me in the space of seconds. At the time neither of us knew that she was suffering from BPD and I was (very) drunk. This was a text-conversation, to clarify. This caused an argument as I was not in an appropriate mental state to respond correctly and she, as we now know, is mentally unwell. She, thinking this was more serious than it was, got incredibly paranoid and decided to end the relationship. Naturally, I obliged and we remained close friends for the next week or two (during this period her mood swung back the other way and so things looked to be once more leaning towards the relatonship). Before things could really return to normal, we broke up for Christmas and I went to stay at my parents house for a month. She was supposed to stay with me but, given our argument, we cancelled that plan. It is worth noting that she lives two counties away from my parents and so we didn't get a chance to see each other over Christmas. Over Christmas the diagnosis came out, and she started to get particularly depressed. She regularly spoke of suicide and I, naturally, began to worry.
Then one day, just before the New Year, she vanished. All communication with me was blocked off (whilst we were on good terms) and I was particularly confused and worried (given her suicidal thoughts). I decided it was probably her BPD and so, instead of attempting to contact her, I left it until I returned in mid-January. I expected to bump into her at work and talk it all out (i'm a strong beliver in negotiating a solution to any problem) but she didn't turn up. A couple of weeks passed and she was nowhere to be seen at work. Now I began to panic as I remembered the suicide comments. Furthermore, I was under a lot of emotional strain as I had begun talking to another girl whilst not entirely over my now-ex (the one referenced with BPD). This panic led to a pretty stupid decision. I called her up (it went to answer phone, I left a message simply asking her to call me back) and I asked some mutual friends to go round to her house and see if she was ok. The next thing I know i'm being called into my boss's office where I am reprimanded for 'sexual assault' and 'revenge pornography' (two claims which, may I clarify, are completely untrue). Very confused, upset and emotional I take a step back for a few weeks and try to focus on my own life. In this time, most of my work colleagues block all contact with me as well, unprovoked, and my planned house-mates for next year kick me out. My dad lost his job and things just generally got terrible.
Given my grave concern for the safety of this girl, coupled with the fact that her actions were most probably caused by her BPD and, therefore, can't be attributed to any fault of my own, my friends and I began to look for ways to fix this divide before she could cause any more damage. The conclusion we came to was to write a letter to her, in an attempt to show effort. After giving her the letter, I was called in to my boss's office once again where his alabi had changed. This time I was accused of straight up harassment (non-sexual) and was asked not to contact her.
I, worried for my own safety, immedietely got legal advice. I was told that my actions didn't de jure constitute as harassment and that a mediation would be a mature way of resolving this conflict. I spoke to the HR manager after this, who was more understanding than my boss and believed I had done nothing wrong and a mediation would be a viable solution as well. Unfortunately, the company didn't provide qualified mediation and so I began to look for mediation and relationship counselling clinics in the local area.
Confident that I was not breaking the law, that my boss's threats were shallow and confused and that my-ex was simply unwell and mentally confused (and in serious need of treatment) I emailed her requesting the possibility of a mediation and provided information on the local clinics, stressing the importance that I was breaking no de jure laws.
During this period, my closest friend died in a car accident, and I was demoted (by a different department and for totally unrelated reasons).
The next thing I know, the police turn up on my doorstep one morning and arrest me. They charge me for harassment, the crucial part being that my boss underwent a police interview and lied about several things, including the topic and outcome of certain meetings. These lies do lead to rights to litigation, whereas the truth doesn't. Unfortunately, I had no way of proving that he was lying and so it has now been taken to a magistrates court (I'm set to attend court in December).
Basically, i'm just really pissed off because there is almost no way I can win this case given the amount of evidence against me and the lack of evidence to prove that my boss is lying. Furthermore, it is almost guaranteed to ruin many career prospects in the future as I will be receiving a criminal record (which was completely clean until now).
I feel betrayed and foolish.
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self.offmychest
|
*RANT* I honestly can't find a reason to live anymore. [deleted]
|
self.depression
|
Today I had a panic attack in a job interview... [deleted]
|
self.Anxiety
|
Anyone have any tips or encouraging words for dealing with anxiety brought on by family? Anyone have any tips for dealing with anxiety brought on by family?
My sisters are so rude to my mom and it makes me so upset. I feel too emotionally weak and my anxiety is too high to speak with my sisters about it and stand up for my mom.
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self.Anxiety
|
I’m 20 but my life is over I turn 21 in January and as scary as it is to even say, i feel like that’s my last year. Everything has fell apart, not even recently, a while ago.
I suffer from anxiety and depression and am on medication for both, and see a therapist often, but it’s not enough. I’ve never had a job in my life because i physically can’t do it, no matter how hard i try or how pushed i feel to get one. I tried to go to college after school but that didn’t work so i dropped out, and ended up doug nothing for two years, and then after that time, i tried college again and i felt really good about it, for a month, and then i left again.
Now it’s a year after i left college, and nothing good has happened, literally nothing, my anxiety is worse than ever and i feel so hopeless about every single thing. The only calming thought i have now is that i won’t be alive for much longer so things will be okay, and i don’t mean that as a threat at all, it’s never even say it outloud, it’s just genuinely the only thing that can bring me back to myself.
My parents often tell me they’re proud of me but all that does is make me feel so much worse because i know it’s a lie. How can you be proud of me when i have done absolutely nothing with the last 3/4 years of my life? They think they’re supportive by telling me about jobs but it always turns into a fight because they both think they get how i’m feeling but obviously they don’t, it just feels like a jab at me whenever they mention it. They’ve been separated since i’m 8 years old so it’s not like they’re “ganging up” on me, im just hearing it from two angles i guess.
I don’t even know what posting here will accomplish, i don’t know what anything i do will anymore, part of me feels like i’m wasting any money i do have on therapy because it’s not like i’ll magically get better by speaking, I’ve just grown to like my therapist at this point so i think i just go to get a chance to spend time with someone who isn’t in my family.
I think i want to be locked up for a while, not in prison or anything, just somewhere away from my current life, i want to be someone else because i really just exist, im not living, most of the time i don’t even feel like i exist, i have to talk myself into even believing i’m alive and real.
Sorry for such a long post, i don’t expect anyone to read it, honestly, i just felt like i needed to get it out there, but i don’t think it will help, i just wanted to share.
Edit: Im really overwhelmed and surprised with all the responses, i appreciate and have read them all, i won’t be able to respond to everyone simply because i don’t want to repeat myself over and over, but i am so grateful for everyone’s words. Thank you, you have all definitely made today easier for me.
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self.Anxiety
|
UCLA IOP experiences? Hey guys! My therapist is recommending me to the UCLA mood disorders intensive outpatient program for my worsening bipolar depression and consistent/constant suicide ideation.
Just wondering if anyone has any experience with this (or any other) IOP. It's really difficult to find good information out there on these programs. Thanks so much!
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self.bipolar
|
Happy birthday It's my birthday. It marks 4 years since my first suicide attempt. I might try it again today. I don't know if I even have the motivation or the energy to try though. Much easier to lay in bed than get up and prepare for death. What does it matter, if not this year then next year. It's happening at some point so I don't suppose it matters when. I'll edit this post if I'm still around.
Happy birthday to me 🎉
Edit- still here. I pussied out.
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self.depression
|
My wife and I are going through some tough times. Right now my wife and I are going through some financial problems we have a daughter (3) and I am the only one that works, my wife is a stay at home mom, but we are not making enough money for that to continue.
Due to her severe anxiety she refuses to put her self into situations where she has to talk to other people, she doesn't want to get a job she doesn't want to get her drivers licence, she doesn't even want to walk far from the house. All she likes to do is stay at home with our daughter.
I am afraid that this will have a negative impact on our daughter and I love them both so much I don't know what to do and I don't want this to end horribly.
I am at my wits end and I don't know what else to do so I thought I would ask you folks what you think I should do.
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self.Anxiety
|
Do certain experiences or objects make you recall anxious times? Things like videos, music, movies, etc. There was this ASMR video I kept watching on youtube before doing a presentation and now every time I stumble on it, I recall what an anxious mess I was then. Or last night, when I played a certain game and read a certain book to distract myself from a phonecall I had to make this morning and I was freaking out over it. It's like my thoughts at the time I was in that state of mind were so toxic that seeped through and "marked" that book or that game and now it will always remind me of how freaked out I was!
|
self.Anxiety
|
I just want to shut down and shut everyone out so badly today. I feel physically sick with sadness if that's even a thing.
|
self.depression
|
I'm at my personal rock bottom, and I don't know what to do... Four weeks ago the love of my life said to me, that she doesn't love me anymore. I was, and I am, shattered just by the news. Two weeks later I moved out into a second house of my parents to give her space (I still hope she changes her mind) and to set up a new life (if it doesn't work out).
I've been sad and down when my then-GF left me in 2010, but this time it feels nothing like that.
I took the last two weeks of 2017 off from my work, since I couldn't get anything done and I felt, that my batteries are below 0%. So the last week I had way too much time to be with myself and as soon as I wake up I start to say out loud "I hate my life" and repeat it until the words don't have any meaning anymore. I takes me hours to get out of bed, just to walk into the living room and watch TV, trying to get distracted. That I'm currently having no real internet connection isn't helping at all (I'm writing this while I'm tethering at GPRS-Speed from my phone).
The last week I had different friends to come by every evening just not to be alone, they're great and I love them for all the time they're spending with me to cheer me up. But when they're gone, and I'm walking through this house alone with a final beer of the night, the only thing I think about is the life I had less than 30 days before...
My parents currently were trying to sell their bigger house, since it's way too big for two people alone, and yesterday my mom told me, that they found people, that were willing to buy it. I absolutely understand them, they tried to sell it for more than a year, but this also means, that I have to find a new home until march. I don't know how to manage that by now. If you can't get out of bed, have no energy or enjoy anything at all - how am I supposed to find a new home?!
I'm currently tearing up while writing this, because my life went from absolutely perfect with my girl and some foster dogs to this fucking shitshow, that I'm the main-character in right now in such a short time and I have absolutely no control about it...
I'm not suicidal at all, especially since I wouldn't want my family and friends to be left behind, so you all don't have to be alarmed about the fact that i hate my life. But I hate it with passion, and if I'd die by an accident or through a desease, I'd be totally okay with that by now.
Fuck. :(
(I've written this as a comment at askreddit a few days ago, and since then it stuck in my mind)
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self.depression
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Lamictal & Abilify I was prescribed Lamictal a long time ago and it worked amazing with my Abilify. I was up to 100mg of Lamictal before. Some stuff happened in December and I was unable to continue my medication. Fast forward to January 24 and I was able to go back on it.
I’m up to 50mg of Lamictal now through titration and I’m having awful mood swings daily. I switch between happy and sad instantly several times throughout the day. It was worse on 25mg and it’s gotten better since going up to 50mg but it’s still a problem.
I’m hoping that once I get back to 100mg that it will go away, but I’m wondering if anyone else on here is on the same meds and has experienced this?
I felt last week like I was slipping into a manic episode again but it was relatively contained. Like I said, it’s better now that I’m up to 50mg, but I’m afraid Lamictal may not work for me anymore and that makes me sad and stressed out because it was almost a “wonder drug” for me before.
My psychiatrist has told me before that if this combo didn’t work that the next thing to try would be Lithium and Depakote but I’m afraid to do that because I’ve heard of Lithium having terrible side effects and that it’s a “high maintenance” drug.
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self.bipolar
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Going to kill myself once my parents fall asleep I'm not really sure what to say, this will be the 7th time and hopefully the last. I'm extremely lonely so I would like to talk to someone, anyone. I'm 15, from Australia, just been depressed for too long and have had enough of this pain
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self.SuicideWatch
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Ending it My life just keeps getting worse. And my depression gives me no will to live. Help.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Sad alone afraid So I am in university right now, and I have talked to my doctors and stuff about my depression and anxiety, but the problem still stands I'm still depressed and anxious. I don't sometimes know why I keep moving forward and it's getting bad for the past three days I have just stayed in bed I have an exam tomorrow I haven't even started studying for, and I'm lost. Anybody got some advice I don't want to end my life because of my parents, but if I died, I wouldn't care I don't find being worthy of anything most people think. I just want something that will make me feel better, and I haven't seen it. There's no real reason for me to wake up tomorrow or for the next decade. Academically I have gotten help but it's just not enough and I feel like I'm going to fail my parents and my exams.
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self.depression
|
CBD Oil Update! Hi /r/anxiety ~
I posted a few months ago asking if anyone else has tried CBD oil to help their anxiety and got quite a few helpful responses, so I decided to try it. I wanted to update you all on how it has worked out for me so far. Let me start by saying it has been AMAZING. I have used it every day for the past 2(ish) months and I have *not once* gotten my usual panicky feeling that results in hours of anxious thoughts and nausea.
I was slightly skeptical at the beginning, just because nothing has really worked in the past. (Side note: I have not tried actual prescription anxiety medication - I am trying to explore all other options). I just put a 1/4 teaspoon of oil in my tea in the morning and I am calm all day. It has improved my mood overall as well. So, I highly recommend trying CBD oil if you are exploring non RX options for treating anxiety.
Note: I had never viewed my anxiety as crippling, but after feeling much better while using the oil, I realized that my anxiety was making me say no to going out/going on trips/hanging out with friends. It is so worth trying to find the remedy that works for you, so you can start living the life you actually want to. I'll keep updating you on my journey with CBD oil!
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self.Anxiety
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Anybody else feel like an impostor because they have depression? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Life is a paper cut. Meaningless yet excruciatingly painful. And criminally easy misfortune received.
I got a deep paper cut and it all made sense. Fuck this shitty world.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Extending my time off from school The jist is after Highschool I was planning to take a year off. Nothing wrong with HS, I had a grand time, but my grades were piss poor for living then studying and I got rejected at all the schools I applied to accept one and that one cost way to much so basically a rejection. I’m grateful about now though because I ended up trekking, doing adventure sports, backpacking India, and working over the past 7 months. Now i’m at a crossroads. Me, personally, I want to live this backpacker lifestyle, I fucking love it! I did it in Highschool but like part time cause of school but now I can commit more time. I’m job hunting (it’s going alright) right now but my family is seriously pressuring me into going to college fall 2018. And quite frankly, I don’t want to go. I love them but that’s such a commitment, it isn’t 4 years, it’s more like 8 considering all the lovely debt i’ll collect. I got an argument with a family member, she essentially acted as if I shot her when I said I didn’t apply for spring the past months. Idk if i’m fucking up my life or if this is a great choice, when it comes to advice, my family is education heavy. Both of my brothers are working on STEM and me... well, I got an interview with a ski resort haha. I’m only 18, going to school in what like 2 years isn’t the end of the world right?
Btw, i’m not rich. If you happen to read this and are intestred in traveling, it’s very much possible. You’ll be spending your time in dorms, eating local food, and traveling like a local in the 3rd world but it’s such a magical experience and it cost me 4k for 4 months in India (you can go lower for sure).
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self.offmychest
|
It made me physically ill again. Hey guys. It’s 12:00 where I am, but I don’t really give a shit. The existential pain is getting out of control for me. It’s turning into pounding headaches and churning stomach aches. I spend every day like this. The pain just becomes real for me now. It manifests physically. It’s getting hard to live like this, to keep it a secret from people. I am so fucking depressed. I was doomed from the start. It’s hereditary, my mom, great uncle, and great grandfather were all born with it. My great grandfather killed himself when my grandfather was 8 years old. I’m not sure when my great uncle killed himself, but I know that he did. Fuck, posting all of this here is probably going to get me put on some kind of list. Well, I don’t plan on killing myself, no matter how much my desire to die begins to swell up. I won’t do it. I’m lucky in that I have a mother that supports me through this, that understands why I took tomorrow off and what I’m going through. I’ve read through some of the other posts here and I do truly sympathize for those of you out there without a support system. Sorry this kind of turned into a rant about my whole entire life, I just need to say it to somebody. I can’t stay silent about this anymore.
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self.depression
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I dream of spending intimate time with my friend and I want it to stop so bad. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Positive Medication Experiences Anyone? Psychiatrist wants to start me on Lamictal but I am unbelievably terrified of all medications (even Motrin/Aspirin) due to a severe allergic reaction that landed me in the ER once. Would anyone mind sharing some bipolar medication success stories? There has to be something better than, “it sucks, side effects are miserable, but I’m stable so that’s worth it” out there. I hope there is anyhow...
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self.bipolar
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I'm having another episode and I don't know what to do. All I want to do is jump ftom our 39th floor building. Somebody help me please. I"m all alone right now. And I"m scared.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How can I stop feeling embarrassed about dumb things? I have this problem where if I do or say something weird/awkward/accidentally rude I dwell on it for MONTHS. Sometimes years. The moment will continuously comes to my mind and I just cringe so hard and literally face palm and tweak out. I wonder if other people just don’t do as many awkward things as me or if they just don’t dwell on them at all? Sigh I’m just so sick of this!!! It’s really taking a toll on my self esteem!
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self.Anxiety
|
Idk if this is the right subreddit but I just want a friend :( My girlfriend dumped me yesterday. I have had a long battle with depression and when I started dating her my depression was literally cured. I quit my prozac on the spot and for the last year of my life I was depression free. But now she told me she no longer loves me and wants nothing to do with me ever again. And she made it very clear we will never get back together. I didn't even see it coming. It was literally out of the blue and it hit me like a freight train. And now my depression is back and worse than ever. I used to be suicidal but I'm not any more. SHE showed me life is worth living. But I'm just so sad now. Everything feels gray and I just miss her. She was my everything. My whole world feels like it collapsed and I just need a friend to talk to right now :( I'm really hurting.
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self.depression
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Seeking Advice On Dealing With SO's Anxiety Sorry for the long thread but I've just got to let it all out. Any advice would be helpful.
My girlfriend has anxiety, (that's as specific as I know), and I'm having a hard time dealing with it. The usual way it shows itself is that we start arguing about something that makes absolutely no sense to me, and only after about 1-4 hours of mentally and emotionally exhausting conversation do I realize that what she's actually upset about something else, and it's just the anxiety showing itself in highly passive-aggressive or accusatory conversation.
Case in point: today's argument.
Situation: I'm newly without a job, and I've recently come down with a sinus infection. This sinus infection is on top of some other more chronic health issues that are a fairly big deal, but which I'm managing pretty well. But this past week, I've felt crappy from the infection.
Yesterday, I had a job interview, and I called her afterwards (about 12:30 pm) and talked about it. We talked for about 30 minutes, and I told her I might go for a walk to clear my head, but she recommended I just rest. As we ended the conversation, she let me know she would just lay back and wait to hear from me. I went home and ended up just taking a looong nap. I woke up at 10:30. I noticed I had 5 missed texts and 2 missed calls. None of them were crazy worried, most of them were random, but she was asking how I was doing. Since it was after 10, and she works, instead of calling back, I sent back a text saying "Hey, sorry for the delay. I ended up sleeping for a while and left my phone on silent in the bed. I'm fine. Still stopped up in my nose."
I stayed up for a while longer before being able to get back to bed. I woke up at 9:30am. At 10:45, I got a call from her. She was upset that I didn't respond to her phone calls. I was confused as to why my text wasn't a response to her phone calls, but I explained that I took a long nap and didn't want to call her late at night. I apologized for sleeping so long the day before, and then tried to change the subject and ask how her day was going. But she wasn't having any of it.
She continued to question me about why I wasn't responding to her. Eventually, she claimed that my lack of communication had her worried that I was just wasting time and that this would cause me to start looking at porn, which would damage our relationship. I started getting questions about how she was supposed to know that I wasn't "doing things you shouldn't be doing" when I refused to respond to her. (And for the record, yes, we definitely both agree that porn is not a good thing for both me and our relationship.)
I definitely had a "WTF" reaction and said I didn't want to even entertain that train of thought, and that it was crazy to make that jump. She said "Well, if you don't want to talk to me, then fine." "Okay, fine." And so it ended, and honestly, I thought that was an easy escape. I followed up with an email first thanking her for how she had gotten me some soup and medicine with me being sick, about how confused I was about me "not responding" (when I did respond), and I filled her in on my plans for the day, to avoid a repeat of the "radio silence" of the previous day.
Just now, we talked again, and she is still upset. She thanked me for the email, but criticized the fact that it came in email form. "Why couldn't you have just called me back instead of an email? I know email is better than nothing, but why no call?" When I tried to explain that I was still pretty upset, and that I didn't know if it was possible for me to have a measured tone, she said, "Oh, so the apology was fake, then?" Ouch.
At some point in here, I kept bringing up that it is NOT a big deal for calls to be spaced in less-than-24-hour intervals, and I used the phrase "absurd" in there. I say it came in the form of "it just seems absurd that..." but she definitely believes I was calling her absurd. Anyway...
Then the conversation continued on to what she was REALLY about how I might be sliding back into a severe depression I had about a year ago (Yes, I did go through a period of severe depression, but I came out of it pretty much 100%), and that this would put us back into a position where I was feeling really bad about our relationship, and that what she was REALLY asking me about was that. To which I said: How the heck am I supposed to know that?
And now the conversation gets a little blurry, because it just became a back and forth. The worst part is that when I tried to point out that "This is not normal. This is you being anxious. This is your anxiety." She told me, "It's not your job to point out my flaws. This is who I am. You're not my therapist. You don't know what it's like to have anxiety."
Which... yes. It's true. I don't know what that's like. But I also know that she doesn't know what it's like to be in a relationship with someone who has anxiety. I tried to make an analogy between "being depressed" and "being anxious" and how we don't have to be "defined" by it, but we can "improve" on it. But she wasn't having any of that either. Everything was all my fault, and if I didn't understand that, it was (drumroll...) all my fault.
AARG. okay. So, I'm posting this on a burner account because I know this comes across bad on her, and I don't want it sticking around. Truth be told, she is really great, but I HAVE to know how to deal with episodes like this. They can cause major damage to me, and I'm really worried that she thinks this is just normal, and that it doesn't need to be addressed by her at all, only dealt with by me (even though I have no idea how to do so). The worst part is, I have no way to communicate to her that she's hurting me (and she is). Any advice would be appreciated.
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self.Anxiety
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A Poem A couple months back, I made a post on here asking if I were to publish a poetry book regarding my times with bipolar and depression, if anyone would buy/read. I got few responses but they were all positive. I'm here to say now I'm about 45 days from publication! I figured I would share one with you guys as this community has been a huge support for me! Hope you enjoy!
Hey, how are you today? I'm doing fine
Well, maybe not “fine”, but okay in the meantime
Maybe those thoughts are gone but the pain is there
Finally, all these emotions are building up here
But sorry, again, how have you been?
How do I deal with these emotions I'm swimming in?
The things I've built up for so many years
Now suddenly, they’re pouring out, bringing me to tears
Enough about me, how about you?
You know it's weird that the TV I watch brings out emotions too
These superhero shows have been bringing tears to my eyes
When before, there was nothing that could make me cry
Sometimes these medicines can feel more like a curse
How do people deal with so much emotion on this earth?
Sometimes it seemed easier when I was numb
Now I got all these feelings inside and dunno where they came from
Ugh, I’m sorry again, go ahead and speak
If only you could, you’re here every week
I spend a lot of my time looking at you
Pouring my heart out of emotions and my problems too
And/or a bit of staring with nothing but silence
An inanimate object that I seem to confide in
People call it weird, this way of therapy may be small
But it’s always there, and I have to thank this wall
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self.bipolar
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Depression and falling out of love ( or feeling like I am) This is a long story -
So around mid September I started feeling really depressed, distant from my boyfriend, anxious, scared, sick and generally like crap
Was going on holiday and couldn’t be bothered kept thinking something bad was going to happen,
3 days before we went away I started feeling sick agitated at everyone and everything had really bad cramps and upset belly and just felt off - I picked two massive fights with my BF which didn’t warrent my reaction
We went on holiday and I still felt crap - 2 days after arriving I woke up with the thought that I didn’t love by boyfriend of 3.5 years - it filled me with fear and guilt of why I was having these thoughts and how horrible I felt for having them, I googled obsessively trying to find a reasoning - I couldn’t look at him or enjoy my holiday :( I then woke up every morning on holiday feeling sick and not even wanting to leave bed , I wanted to just lie and cuddle my bf but didn’t want to even talk. It was horrible - I forced myself to try and enjoy the holiday as best as we could even though I had all these feelings, convincing myself once I got home I’d be fine
I wasn’t- I got worse. Went to the doc got put on sertaline ADs and made an appointment for therapy - read up loads on relationship OCD and told myself that’s what I had, and made plans to get better.
A week ago I had another bad day and was googling again when I came across a thread talking about things the pill can do to you.
It was then I realised 2 weeks before I started feeling crap (maybe even less than 2weeks) my doc changed my pill (birth control) telling me it was the same thing. I didnt have any reason to doubt that and started taking it. My first period on the new pill came 2 days early it causes me major cramp I never get, I got spots on my face which I never get, I had terrible wind, My P lasted only 3 days and was very light ( abnormal for me) I then a week later had spotting really heavy and dark for 3 days. I linked al this to my depressed stressed head but now I wonder if it’s all linked to me changing to the Rigevidon?
Anyone else had similar issues?
I’m now back on microgynon (old BC) been back on it for 4/5 days my mood has Defo lifted but the doubts are still not so much in the fore front of my mind but buzzing in the background
I’m going to give it two weeks then if no improvement stop the pill completely.
If its not my pill and I just have depression, has anyone else gone through this and came out the other side? - It's an odd feeling, as I've fell out of love before and couldn't stand the person didn't want them near me or to touch me, I don't have that with my OH, I just sort of feel emotionless to everything, but its bugging me more with him than it is with other things in my life that I also feel disinterested in. I already know I love him, I just feel kind of distant and off. I know also that I'm not wanting to leave him that thought hasn't even entered my head at all.
My bf knows everything and is very supportive.
Just looking for others insights
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self.depression
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He did it!!!!! My boyfriend is walking across the stage and getting his college degree on Friday after feeling like he was not going to graduate because of one of his classes. I have been crying like a baby on and off for about two hours (when he showed me he made it). I am so excited for him. I can’t even describe how proud of him and happy for him I am.
I’m just speechless. I want to scream “I told you you’d make it” to the of my lungs.
I’m just one proud girlfriend right here.
Here’s to the future, babe. 🍻
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self.offmychest
|
My best friend didn't invite me to her wedding. We've been close since we were kids and I've always had her back through everything. I did my best to schedule my shifts so that I can make it to her wedding after my shift.
She got mad at me for not being able to make it to her pre-wedding ceremony and straight up told me to consider myself uninvited from her wedding.
It felt like she'd punched me right in the stomach. God, no breakup has ever hurt as much as it did when I read her text. After all these years, my best friend has given up on me.
I deactivated my Facebook account because it would shatter me to see photos of the biggest day of her life. This would be the first time that I'm not by her side for something big.
Damn, this hurts.
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self.offmychest
|
Just went to a bar sober. Question my life. So I recently moved into sober living. It's kind of a shithole and I live with 10 other guys. It's been okay.
We went to a favorite bar of mine with some sober guys in the house. We played pool for a while and smoked cigs. Usually I'd be dancing, having fun, and meeting girls. This time I just looked around and watched people have fun. My friends just kind of talked amongst themselves. I felt pathetic. For some reason it just compounded and I came suicidally depressed. Why am I alive if I'm not living at all?
So I guess I need alcohol to have fun. Shoot me. I started questioning why I'm living in a sober house. Going out drinking was never a problem for me. Yeah it's probably not the best for me, but it's not the worst either. It's not going to lead me back to problematic drugs.
I'm paying 600 a month to live in a shity house and I have no freedom really.
I'm not like most people where I get sober and everything gets better. I was never a junkie. I never stole from people. At the end of the day I still have a mental Illness that doesn't care if I'm sober or not.
I think about the future and if I can't go out dancing and have a few drinks I don't really want to live anymore. Is that fucked up? Yes, but I guess that's who I am.
Anyone else deal with this kind of thing?
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self.bipolar
|
Idk Just the usual clichéd post. Noone will miss me; there'll be more joy than anything else as I only ever annoy people or get in the way. Like the title says, idk.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Im just planning on jumping all of a sudden so it could work. Since i cant do it,Im just gonna get all the courage i can and fill myself with negativity so i can do it,I might be scared because of what will happen but fuck it,Right now i have a little courage and im already negative,I need a hour or two,And then i'll jump off in an instant without looking down so i dont get scared of it,I think this could work,Hopefully it does..Telling this to all of you because i just wanted to,To make myself more pathetic looking so i can be more negative,Im excited already.
If i dont post or reply then im probably dead,I hope this works.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I feel really good today Today I feel very happy about myself. I wrote a Thank you letter to my TA, and she said she was really touched by it and it made my day. I know this may sound silly to some people but to me it meant a lot
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self.offmychest
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Made it to 18...finding it hard to make it further [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I found out that my severe anxiety is due to gender dysphoria. Anyone relate to this? [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
is there a chat like suicide hotline? i feel like fucking shit right now and i want to talk to someone but im to socially anxious to talk to someone over the phone so is there like a online chat you can do instead instead of having to use your voice?
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self.depression
|
Boyfriend refusing to get help Kia ora whanau,
Help me convince my boyfriend (he is next to me and knows I’m writing this) that the anxiety he has been living with for years is not something he has to live with or deal with on his own.
I’ve been trying to talk to him about going to a doctor and trying medication but he seems to be against the idea because of the stigma around taking medication, and feels he wouldn’t be comfortable talking to a therapist.
Are there any other options/any way to encourage him to help himself get better?
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self.Anxiety
|
Not sure if depression? OK, let me start this off by saying on the outside I’m laughing and joking to cover these feelings up.
Tired of life
Hard time waking up
Always fall to sleep using phone (guess it prevents me thinking)
Bad thoughts when lonely
Man even work sucks, I work hard, 80+ hours a week at least and spend longer chasing my wages happened with at least 8 company’s within 3 year gap.
Feel like I’m literally hitting my head against the wall.
Within a space of 2-3 months I had third degree burns to feet due to accident not my fault, and when I finally got back to work I now have a hernia. Is this just unlucky?!
Had my palms / cards read by clairvoyant 2 years ago she mentioned my future consists a lot of pain and suffering, didn’t want to tell me you could see that in her face.
Even my school days weren’t great; debagged in public, constantly hit in testicles throughout school (had to have an operation to remove cyst down there)
Is this depression / anxiety? I just need to get answers to help. No one seems to know how I feel inside, I guess I just hide it well.
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self.depression
|
My depression would be so much better if I quit with the negative attitude I had a rough start to today. I got to be at work at 6 30 am. I start off today by waking up and looking over at my clock that says its 6 25. I set my alarm clock to 5 20, but it never went off(it would still be buzzing when I woke up if it went up and I somehow slept through it). So obvious thats not good, waking up 5 mins before you shift starts. First thing I do when I wake up is look to see if I didn't set my alarm, I must of not set it since it didn't wake me up right? Well look over at my alarm, and it was set to the correct time, there was no wrongly adjusted volume, ect. it just failed to go off. So I plop out of bed at 6 25 and throw my uniform on and go out the door. I feel miserable, I didn't get my shower, my hair isn't combed, teeth aren't brushed, no breakfast or time to get food to bring. Instead of being grateful that I woke up at 6 25 naturally instead of 8 25 am, I am livid. I am so pissed off that my alarm didn't go off and acting like the world has it out for me because I had a bad start to the day. Didn't even get in trouble for being late. If I would just stop focusing so much on the bad things I bet my depression would be a lot better if I didn't focus so much on every little bad thing that happens.
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self.offmychest
|
I'm a senior in college and I've started to seriously doubt I'll ever be able to make it in my chosen career field. Feeling completely lost about my identity and finding meaning in life (this is going to be long so I'll put a tl;dr at the end. I really welcome advice related to anything in this post, whether or not you know anything about my major.)
At about this time four years ago I looked at a list of college majors, thought International Relations sounded like something I'd enjoy, and sent in my applications. Since then, I've learned:
* This field really is my passion. I read about it and talk about it with my friends in my free time, my classes are fascinating, and studying abroad last year (the first time I'd been out of the US) taught me I could love living and working in another country.
* My parents' belief that doing well in school and getting a degree is enough to get a job is no longer true for many fields, but it's especially not true for this one. Turns out international relations jobs are intensely competitive, and there are way more people willing to work long hours for pennies (or nothing at all) than I thought.
* I have ADHD, which partially explains why having a lot to do stresses me out so much - I'm just not capable of keeping up a busy schedule like other people are, because I can't manage my time like they can.
The latter two points were bummers, but I could work with them. It was okay that I couldn't intern during the school year like many of the other people in my major; being 2-3 years behind in professional experience when I graduate would just mean it'd take me a little longer to break into the field. I'm no genius, but a combination of some natural writing ability and high motivation have helped me maintain a GPA in roughly the top 15-20% of my program at a top 10 school in my major. That should mean something, right?
But this fall I went from never turning in an assignment late in my life to turning in most late or at the absolute last minute. By the end of the semester I was faced with 35 pages worth of final papers due within a span of five days, a final exam worth 40% of my grade to study for a couple days before that, and two shorter papers eating up all my time the week before. I ended up taking an incomplete (extension beyond the semester) on one of the papers. Even though I won't have an F on my transcript, I see no way this isn't failure. I've hit my aptitude ceiling.
I know I can attribute some of this to adjusting to ADHD meds for the first time - I was promised I'd be more efficient and didn't realize medication was amplifying my perfectionism and detail-fixation until I'd been on it for a few months and showing someone what I was working on revealed I'd been typing slight variations on the same sentence for over an hour. Yet I've always been a slow writer, with or without medication. Even when I'm being mindful of my perfectionism, it takes me a long time to translate my ideas into words (and I'm a fast reader, so it's not like I have a problem processing language in general.) I got away with it in previous semesters because I had fewer papers and less pressure to be exact and precise with my language, but now the jig's up. There's no way I can succeed in grad school if I couldn't keep up with undergrad, and advanced degrees are a necessity in my field. Moreover, even if I were the Einstein of international relations, I don't know any job that would be willing to hire someone who takes 3-6 hours to write one page. And that's with an outline.
I've never thought I needed much to be happy. I don't need a prestigious or lucrative career. Romance would be a plus, but being single doesn't bother me at all. I've explored different religions with an open mind only to come to the conclusion that I'm just not a spiritual person.
The problem with this is that the few things I do need to be happy are completely non-negotiable: I need to feel at least somewhat competent and take pride in what I do, and almost everything I like to do revolves around learning new things. With my writing slowness and relative lack of ability working with numbers, people, or other things that aren't words, the only job I think I'd be capable of doing is something that wouldn't require me to think. The thought of spending most of my life (since we spend most of our waking hours at work) completely deprived of the intellectual curiosity and challenge that gives my life meaning feels worse than death. I have hobbies outside of international relations and friends I treasure, but the few hours I'd have to spend with them would ultimately be a distraction from spending the bulk of my time unhappy. I was fine with the idea of doing miserable jobs for awhile if they would one day lead to something, but I now have reason to believe I'm just not good enough to ever succeed at that "something."
**tl;dr: I am too slow a writer to ever make it in my dream career field or others that require writing, and I'm not really good at anything else. I no longer feel like I deserve to think of myself as smart or hard-working because those are relative terms, and there are tons of people better than me in those respects. Feeling like I have no purpose in life, my identity and self-confidence are in pieces, and I don't know how to come to terms with my limitations.**
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self.offmychest
|
i took down christmas today the hollow feeling is back. having a tree and decorations just felt so fake. it reminds me of what i am - an obese woman in her mid-40s with no partner and no kids. no true friends nearby, i was the homecoming queen and prom queen. i used to be beautiful and fun with everything going for me. the depression (bipolar) started @ 17. i want a do-over. i feel guilty even being sad...i have a college degree, a good job, own my own home, and my family is healthy. my financial situation is stable; luckily i work from home so i can stay in bed all day. if i had to get up and go somewhere every AM there’s no doubt i’d get fired. my shrink says to look at myself in the mirror and say “i love you.” i burst out laughing - you’ve got to be kidding me. this is a throwaway account...i can’t believe i’m expressing these thoughts to strangers. i just want, well, to not feel so alone. because it’s fucking christmas.
|
self.depression
|
Job interview tomorrow So I’ve written on here about a week ago and I may have mentioned my summer internship out of state for 3 months. Now I have a state government job interview tomorrow at my home state and I’m freaking out!!! I need this internship because if i don’t do it I know I’ll regret it. But at the same hand if this job wants me to work immediately and not wait until September and miss out....I have no idea. I mean granted I haven’t even gotten through the interview yet so I may not even have the job but these decisions have been killing me lately. Also I may have an anxiety attack right there in the interview room wow
|
self.Anxiety
|
College Student, Senior year, living alone and thinking about killing myself. I can't rewind the past, living just seems so difficult now. It was just one specific class! I keep telling myself this, but it all seems so far away now that I fucked it all up. I feel ashamed, I got nothing after this if it all goes down the drain, I don't want to go back to living paycheck to paycheck, or being on welfare, and worrying about whether or not I'm going to have a place to rest my head. I can't go back to living with my mother, I'll just become NEET again, a fucking NEET... I did that for 4 fucking years, I don't want to do that again, I can't live my life knowing that I'm a fucking loser. My friends... I guess I don't have friends anymore really, they don't even visit me, or ask how I'm doing. I even had a girlfriend back in September, but I watched her go from being my girlfriend, into a full blown paranoid schizophrenic phase, and it all went down hill from there. No matter how hard I tried to be there for her, it just wasn't enough, I had to leave her and it hurt so much because I watched her just fall apart...
I just wanna say fuck it all to hell, but I'm here... Typing this.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
rant vent whatever this wall of text is Every day the same, every month and year. Persistent sleep issues, staying up, watching videos, anime, reading the same subreddits over and over, watching the same people on youtube and twitch, doing the same work and playing the same games. Only now things have begun to change for me, after theyve changed for so many others already. It is a feeling like I'm at the end and my careless days are over. Even so I will be an armchair loser forever.
I missed out on teenage romance, by giving into my fear of being hurt and anxiousness, self deprecation, and embarassment. I never joined any clubs, or did any sports. I never took an instrument in school, or had any extracurricular activities until this senior year. And one by one I abandoned my friends. Primary, abandoned by moving. Elementary, abandoned by moving then switching schools, Xbox friends online, abandoned, as well as my steam and online game friends. And soon, my friends since middle school and high school will completely abandon me just like I have done to those before them. My discord friends will abandon me in time, and I will be left alone once again, but in college. Can it be anything but deserved, seeing as I did it to so many others?
I don't feel like I'm capable enough in this world, as if my efforts to hold friendships together will be met with annoyed responses, like it is time for me to move on. But what do I do when I move on? Should I just push my only good yet selfish memories out? This is deserved too?
What happens when I am too old to make friends, when I never find love? Will I be alone, stuck in a dead end job working to live and living to work until my death? Will I be sad until the last day? Will I never find anyone to share my life with? How about when my family and parents die? I will be alone in the world completely.
This is why I will kill myself before I even get close to 30. I would rather die sooner than to live long and miserable. Again, selfish, and bringing more pain to those I know. I don't care what I am remembered by, my illness, my sadness, my self inflicted solitude, or my persistent anxiety. What does it even matter what I care? I just want someone to see me or notice me, I want someone to listen what I have to say, to give me an opportunity to apologize, to empathize, to right all my wrongs. I want someone to acknowledge my mistakes and help me move on from.them, to stop regretting, and to stop being so self destructive. Someone who is happy to see me, someone who I can share unconditional love and friendship with, someone to talk to. Someone I won't abandon this time. But I can't have this and I don't deserve to have this.
But as I wish for these things I actively avoid help offered to me. I want to apologize to everyone on here, /r/anxiety, /r/socialanxiety, /r/suicidewatch, on hotlines, who I have rejected help from, even though they tell me they are here to listen. I know myself how it feels to have my assistance declined, yet I still do it to other people. Someone told me that I shouldn't feel obligated to vent when people offer their attention but I should, shouldn't I? Like angels, you offer your valuable time and attention to listen to my problems or to console but I refuse. Why I do it i dont know but I shouldn't. This is the exact stuff that makes me undeserving of an outlet.
I have said it before and removed posts in fear and cowardice, I hope I finally decide to end it soon instead of teasing everyone on that "I'll do it eventually". this post is no better than the last, maybe letting everything bottle up to destroy me is the best course of action instead of letting it leak out like this after all. There are many more posts here that deserve attention than this, so efforts are better off being put there to help helpable, not in a persecution complex cycle, individuals with much harder lives and problems. I am sorry if you bothered to read this far
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self.depression
|
Am I ugly for this?(15f) I was at a party and I was blackout drunk(15F). I was bring annoying and talking loud. I think I was trying to brag and it was annoying. A senior girl took an unflattering photo of me and posted it to twitter. She called me a sloppy hoe and ugly. Twenty people liked it. Am I that annoying? Am I gross? Should I be embarrassed?
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
What's the difference between this and /r/bipolar? Hi to all! I'm Wintermorn and I'm new to Reddit so please excuse the clumsiness. I sincerely apologize if either this question has been asked a million times before or if this isn't the right place to post this. Long story short, I have Bipolar 1 disorder and I'm looking for an online community where I can anonymously seek advice regarding my episodes or even share my experiences. I found two subreddits—this one and /r/bipolar—that seems to offer that.
Can someone please enlighten me on the fundamental differences between the two communities (if there are any) and help me choose which one to go to, or perhaps tell me if both subreddits are worth joining? Thanks in advance.
|
self.bipolar
|
Fml. Mix up with my boss and I wanna cry/hide in a hole My pet died the day before yesterday (bearded dragon) and I've been having a really hard time with it. I emailed my supervisors this morning to tell them I can't come in today because I can't focus. One of them responded so I assumed they both saw it. The other texted me and asked if she could drop off breakfast. I thought it was her being nice / compassionate because of my loss so I GAVE HER MY ADDRESS. She called me and asked me to come outside and she was actually at work and the breakfast was for a meeting. She didn't see my email. I feel like such an idiot and extra guilty for taking off work. I feel so embarrassed and so much anxiety right now.
I needed to vent.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Medication? Dear fellow Redditors,
I am wondering whether anyone here can give me some advice. Since forever I have been quite anxious, especially socially, and I am considering to ask my doctor for medication in the form of an SSRI. However, I am very anxious about the possible side effects and am scared of maybe not being able to ever get off them again and feel even worse than I do now. Would anyone be able to tell me whether this is rational, or just my anxiety that exaggerates the possible consequences?
Also, sometimes I wonder whether I am really anxious and need medication or whether I am actually quite normal and just exaggerate. For instance, when I had an informal meeting at work we did an icebreaker and everyone had to say something about themselves. This made me so anxious that I got extremely shaky, couldn't control my voice, felt very sick (as in a terrible fever), and really nearly made me vomit. Would this still be considered as a natural form of anxiety? or when I go down to the cafetaria during lunch to get some food, I often get really shaky (especially my jaw, and I can't control my voice). Is this still normal or is this definitely anxiety? Looking forward to any responses.
Thank you very much.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Sudden intense flair up of anxiety at work [advice needed!] I had to excuse myself to the bathroom but I have to rush to type this because they need me back out there.
I have social anxiety and work at a fast food restaurant. Right now I'm working the front register so I'm looking people in the face and being stared at and stuff and today it's bothering me way more than usual.
It got really intense out of nowhere and I almost had a panic attack.
I have 5 more hours to go and I don't know what to do. This has never happened at work before.
If anyone has any quick tips or advice for me to able to ignore, or at least hide, my anxiousness today it would really help.
I'm feeling very paranoid and vulnerable; as if everyone is honing in on my shaking hands and uneasy smile. Racing thoughts about everyone staring at me and thinking I'm weird. Irritational thoughts like thinking my coworkers can read my mind.
Thanks in advance. I'll respond to any comments when I get off work.
|
self.Anxiety
|
I hate being Pakistani and i hate all the culture I love being a girl and i love being a Muslim, i wouldn't change them for the world. But why am i bothered by my stupid fucking Pakis culture. I'm a Pakistani from a strict cultural background whereby everything i do I'm judged by so called relatives. My parents are not that bad but every other relative has eyes of criticism jealousy and disgust in anything that seems too British for them.if you disagree with any British i or others carry then fuck off cus i dont want to live how you want me to but as I wish.dont get me wrong I'm still that typical Pakistani girl who you see walking down the road but this is just one thing that infuriates me-culture driven Pakis that love to stare and talk about you.
|
self.offmychest
|
Still too pathetic Once again, I only scratched my wrist with a blade instead of actually cutting it deep enough to end it. Even though I have tried so many time to actually attempt suicide, I'm still too pathetic to do it. The silent weights of disappointments and knowing that I have achieved absolutely nothing - not even a simple degree still is already killing me slowly.
I've gone off the meds for the past few days and it does make more sense to experience what I'm going through than to deceive my mind with pills.
Even prepared my note a few months ago. But dammit, I'm still too pathetic to actually go for it.
|
self.depression
|
Please help me! Okay, so I recently posted about a brain tumor, but someone told me that if I had a headache during the tumor, it wouldn't ever go away, so I know I don't have one. But I had to look something up. Has anyone had the feeling of one eye being hotter than the other? I looked up how to make it stop, and what came up was a forum post with the answer being a tumor. Does anyone else experience this or know what's happening to me? It would really calm me down.
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self.Anxiety
|
I just want to rant. I don’t even care if anyone sees this How the fuck do I even start. Sometimes when I jog I stand in the middle of the street and I hope to any greater power that a car will go fast enough where I can’t dodge out of the way, so it can just end me. I don’t have the strength to do it myself. Every sentence that comes out of my mouth is just me being a piece of shit, or me being sarcastic. I try so hard to cover up everything. By this point, seeming like an unlikable conceited narcissistic piece of shit is still better than people realizing that I’m actually fucked up. It also doesn’t help that my meds screws with me so much. Some days I feel decent and normal, other days it makes me feel absolutely worthless. I’m afraid of what will happen if i stop though. Or maybe I want what will happen if I stop taking it. My life is some sort of twisted joke lol. Funny how people think suicide is bad when living is so much more... everything.
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self.depression
|
Can a resting heart rate of 100+ be caused by anxiety?
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self.Anxiety
|
What happens when escapism no longer works? **throwaway account**
i don’t know how most people cope with anxiety or depression, but where are you supposed to go when you have nowhere to go? What am I supposed to do when that deadline is closer than you think and you have no way of pushing that off?
I spent most of my life putting up a shield full of apathy. So afraid of rejection, so afraid of being ridiculed, I pushed everything off and became indifferent about everything. When in reality, I’m really fucking scared. About school. My career. My relationships. And for myself. For the past 4 years, I’ve told myself that ‘i’m young, i’m smart, and it will pass soon enough.’ But it hasn’t, and on christmas time, i’m lonelier than ever when it appears everybody is living their lives.
I’ve been bedridden for the past 2 days, half-hoping somebody would notice and talk to me. I’ve been crying my eyes out, wondering why can’t I escape the thoughts that have been eating me alive for the longest time. I’ve fought them off in the past, but today, it appears I’m about to lose.
If I died, sure, people will notice, and sure people will feel bad. But not because they actually do; but because they have to; according to society.
|
self.depression
|
Yerba mate for anxiety I have been using yerba maté for anxiety on and off over the past year. I have found that drinking maté has brought me a calmer mind and more relaxed state of being. I drank it while I was living in south America and it really helped ease my social anxiety and connect with others. Its a great drink to share, it is a social thing in nature.
Anyway, I recently came off of ssris and I found that maté wasn't working for me anymore because the caffeine was affecting my anxiety. Its sort of strange that it can bring calmness but also trigger some anxiety.
I stayed off it for a bit because I couldn't find a brand that suited my caffeine tolerance. I recently came across "union relax" which has considerably less caffeine and it has been great for me. it still gives me energy and if I drink it late I will have trouble sleeping, but I don't get any jitters from it. In all, I find the relaxing effect it has overpowers any anxiety.
I talk to a lot of ppl during my job (funny place for a person with SA) and drinking some maté through the day helps immensely. I feel a lot more at ease talking to people and I'm not chronically overthinking to the point where things feel awkward. I find it more easy to just listen and share. Its given me a lot of relief so I just wanted to share in case it can help others. I really do advocate getting a brand with low caffeine, it can be a huge difference to those who are sensitive.
Note: some people use the word mateine instead of caffeine. I've heard some say that they are the same thing and others that they are different. Idk, but I use caffeine for simplicity sake
|
self.Anxiety
|
my long-distance best friend told me he's going to commit tomorrow i've known this friend (we met online, but we got a chance to meet IRL last month) for a long time, and I know he's been struggling with suicidal thoughts and multiple mental illnesses for a while (as do I). I've talked him into feeling better while contemplating before, but what he's telling me now seems that his desicion is completely and utterly final.
he has so many things going on that I can't do anything about (money issues, dead-end job, separated from family, no close friends, trauma, etc), and although I've been trying to help him so much in the past few weeks, it seems to have been futile.
I don't know what to do. I don't have his address, so it's not like I could really call anyone (he did tell me not to call anyone though, and he has a rather short temper and I don't know how he would react if he found out I did). I skipped school today because I'm so scared and shaken up by all of this. What should I do? Where should I even start?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Dear /R/BIPOLAR, MY BPII ANGST HAS A BODY COUNT. Nah, totally kidding, I am a wuss and love all sentient beings, even if their name is Bob McNair.
Anyways, I thought today was a bad day. But it went from Hell to Purgatory, cause like, lmfao at least in purgatory you can be in a standstill.
So, today, I was late again for work by 4 mins, which to the head honchos says "Hmmm, he didn't clock in before 5:15, he was late all day and will not produce parts today very well. Damn the BPs." (LOL(I am in a hypo episode right now)).
Continuing, I was doing real well, considering its my 2nd week, and like, **marxist theory bias alert** I am just a cog in their "well-oiled" machine anyways, right? (LMAOOO I'm heating up yall get some motherfucking popcorn now or a sprite if you get dehydrated real quick from BPII hypo humour).
So, I get back from break and I realize, "Holy fuck, I have been hypo the last fucking year (if I really think about it but lets just stop there Logan...). So I go to my head honchos nice ass office (nowhere near as nice as Saul Goodman's office with the big shit firm when he fucked all those elderly-scamming fucks in season 2).
He looks real chill, then he pulls a BPII worse than my ass and I am fucking crazy right now, and TL;DR said I need to get my shit together or I was gone. By that point, considering I am literally 10 seconds ahead of him (but really more like 18 since hes a theist fuckhead who couldn't make it as a pastor), I had decided "Well fuck this fool I will just go blow my brains out instead of finishing this convo" so I end it politely and tell him how great of an opportunity it was and I regret it didnt work but that I think he could respect the fact I wouldn't fulfill my refusal of a 2 weeks. I thought we were good there.
Then he says, "well, you know, ________ put in a word for you, it won't look good on him and if you want a 2nd chance here its recommended. up to you, i can't be empathetic though." I shake his hand and say I will be back for work, but I am at home ripping my bong right now, laughing ferociously in my head cause I am gonna text _______ and say, "Yeah, sorry bro, I know you stuck your ass for me, but if he asks just say, "'Well all he said was," tell that fool ________ that in 2 weeks he aint son notice i been der in 2 weeks!" borrowing that awesome line from Kat William's American Hustle.
Anyways, its all kind of a blessing in disguise, despite the fact I needed this job for insurance to get medicated. It worked out cause I took a wrong turn going home and came upon my old psych's office.
*cue bPII hypomanic episode discussion with long lost psychiatrist*
It gets better....
I was on the phone with my ex fiancé, the one who I still love and hate at the same time, yet she herself is also a blessing as far as being a little more understanding (if you ask me she's BPII also but you know denial is a great excuse if youre a fuckhead closet BPII). Little did I know I didnt hang up the phone call when I got to the office. Here's a TL;DR of my discussion with _________:
"Yeah, you know, things with whats her face didn't work out, but fuck, I am glad, at least my BPII saved me from an ugly divorce with that bitch."
Dr. _______: It's okay, Logan, you know, it wasn't working out for the best. That's the nature of this Beast: It clouds youre thinking. By the way you can't press charges against _________ because you weren't medicating yourself, but we will get into that later."
Me: Its whatev, I got me a new chick now, and I fucking feel like the Broncos when they upgraded from Tim Tebow to Peyton: they got a QB who could throw!! And he is nice and shiny Tesla vs a busted ass Honda, I dont fuck that overseas shit no mo. (LMFAO (in my head)). Besides, new chick is, ironically, a fucking psychoanalyst; it won't work out but the sex is fucking great. My bad TMI, doc"
She bursts out laughing, and then I agree to come back in 2 hrs, and then I get in my car to look at my phone and yep, the ex's name was on the phone screen and the call was not at 16 minutes.
Fuck my fucking BPII life. Someone lock me up NOW in a Catholic asylum lmfao!!! I'll save you the details of how _______ reacted to hearing all that shit I lied to her about LOL.
The irony in all this now is that I see my BPII as a blessing, because, shit, let's be real, none of these fuckers in my life are as real as all yall in here, /r/bipolar.
-Logan
|
self.bipolar
|
I'm trying to keep it together, but I'm just lost In November my boyfriend (he's 38, I'm 27) asked for a break citing he needed space because he was afraid his depression would prevent him in giving me what I deserve. We are long distance for 1 1/2 years (met in person initially, remained friends, then began a relationship some time later) but get to see each other every so often when school is out (he's a teacher). I said our relationship was special and I didn't want to risk losing that, and I especially didn't want to leave him due to depression. I still wanted to be his girlfriend and would continue to support him, all I asked is that if he needs some time to himself just to ask and I would understand and respect that. Afterwards he said he loved me very much and thanked me for being supportive.
(He told me awhile back that he suffers from seasonal depression, and it's the first year after his grandfather's passing, and I think not having him there for thanksgiving along with the stress he was having at work really overwhelmed him. He even was talking about getting help, but I'm worried he didn't actually follow up on it.)
The next day he initiated contact and things were great, we talked about our day, made a bunch of jokes, and at the end we talked about sex and things were normal. He told me he loved me very much.
This was around thanksgiving and I knew his uncles he never gets to see were in town so I didn't want to bother him too much so I didn't reach out again till Sunday just to check in and make sure he was good. He said he was having a tough time and didn't want to talk about why, so I let it be, told him I'm here for him if he needs me and that I love him. He didn't respond, but I wasn't upset and understood he had a lot on his mind.
I messaged him over the next few days to just check in and let him know I love him and that I hope he's having a good day. Didn't hear back, but it was no big deal. Went to bed, then woke up the next morning only to find out he blocked me without a word. No reason, not even a goodbye. I was absolutely crushed and so confused.
I tried texting and calling him, and it's pretty apparent he blocked me there. I reached out on Tumblr, he deactivated his account soon after. I asked his friend about it, and he said that it doesn't sound characteristic of him, but he will make sure he's okay, never heard back. I sent him Christmas gifts hoping it might make his holiday a little better with a letter just to let him know he sit has all my love and support. Then Christmas eve I saw a picture of him and his friend together at a party having fun, and tried to reach out to his friend to ask if my boyfriend was okay, and he never responded, I left it at that. From what I can see he hasn't blocked me though.
I was completely heart broken and really confused, and my friend reached out to me to let me know that 2 weeks earlier she had reached out to my ex to figure out what was going on and to let him know he needs to talk to me because I deserve at least that. He basically told her it was over and that he tried to break up with me because I was too depressed and that I wouldn't accept it so this is the only way he could go about things. He stated my depression made our relationship toxic, that I am incapable of growing as a person and it stunted his growth as well, then told her that he loved me very much and always would, but he would never talk to me again. He also told her the last time he came down in early October, that I was awful to him and that it rubbed him the wrong way. Besides that though, he said he was fine and has accepted the way things are.
Last time we saw each other, I was admittedly short with him for the first few days. I had a pretty awful week at work and dealing with my family, and I was really stretched thin financially because I spent lots of money to clean and get the place ready for him, and then also for the air bnb we were staying at for a few nights. I was already really stressed out, then to add to the stress he told me his arrival time, which was actually his boarding time literally an hour before I thought I needed to be there so I was mad dashing to get ready and to drive out that way. THEN literally as I was driving away from picking him up, airport police gave me a ticket for rolling stop, and the next day as we were driving up for our mini vacation I hit a nail and wound up having to get 3 new tires. Basically everything that could go wrong did, and I was on the verge of tears. Meanwhile his attitude was basically like, "oh well" which just frustrated me even more because I really went out of my way to make our time together special, and put a lot of thought into things and it just felt like I did all that hard work and he barely seemed to care. Meanwhile I had $20 now to get me through to the next paycheck, due to the shit circumstances. So I was short with him for the first few days, but once he said something about it, I took a step back and realized I was being a bit unfair, apologized, explained how stressed I was, and it seemed like all was forgiven. The rest of the trip was great and we didn't really have any problems. We were friendly with each other, loving, and happy as could be.
It's been 2 weeks since she told me and although it's still easier than it was before, I'm still completely confused and heart broken. I talked with my friend about it and even showed her his messages from when he asked me for a break and she admitted his account definitely doesn't match what he said to me.
I know I'm not the perfect girlfriend, and there are things I need to work on in general, but I was really good to him, and there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't try to make him feel loved and appreciated. We rarely fought, but when we did we resolved things, and he was both my best friend and my true love.
It's been hard because normally I can bounce back from a relationship and carry on fairly easy, but with him it's different. Ive had guys reach out to me, but I don't find other people physically or emotionally attractive. Hes the only person ive been with since I was raped last year and the thought of even just being romantic with anyone else is extremely unappealing. When I go out with friends I always take pictures of everything so I can send them to him and talk about our day together, only to remember he's gone. Or we'll go out and I'll think about the plans we made to try out that place together.
I haven't reached put to him since Christmas and I've tried to tell myself I need to accept the fact that I very well may never hear from him again, but I can't. I'm back on my anti-depressants, I'm going to counseling, and I'm genuinely trying to work on myself to try to make a future for myself. I got a promotion at work but I'm looking for a better paying job with better hours, I'm looking at school, I've figured out what career I want, and I've started new costuming, art, and performing projects. But no matter how busy I keep myself, I still can't stop thinking of him.
I know I don't deserve to be treated this way, but my heart overflows with love for this man. I miss him so much and although I'm doing my best to keep appearances up, I want my best friend back and I don't even know where to begin. I can't picture my life without him by my side.
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self.depression
|
I rather be euthanized than have another bad day [deleted]
|
self.SuicideWatch
|
Getting bad news while depressed is actually easier for me. Like you can't hurt me with bad news when I'm so numb. Today I heard my friend and colleague has cancer. Which of course I'm really sad about, but it weirdly heightened my mood a bit. Like it gave me a real reason to be strong, to try to be supportive and get out of my own head.
Anyone else have similar stories?
|
self.depression
|
Your your patterns growing up Did you have trouble sleeping before diagnosis of bipolar?
Did you have trouble falling asleep as a young kid?
We’re you always tired in the mornings for school?
EDIT: From all of replies it seems sleep issues often happen before onset of bipolar. What would happen if children at risk for bipolar, or just children with sleep problems in general, were carefully watched and supported, e.g. altered school hours, night time activities, etc.
Who knows?
Lately I've been suspecting that having to conform to normal sleep schedules as a child with a biological clock that was different was literally traumatizing. Going to sleep as a child created huge anxiety, and waking up for schools was extremely hard as a teenager (barely keep my head off desk, felt angry and depressed in morning).
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self.bipolar
|
Theme of tonight "no one cares" It's two nights in a row now that I have cried my self to sleep. Im starting to feel it's more than depression and anxiety. My anger is coming back. Tonight I broke my headphones. Last night it was a clothes hanger. Tonight immediately just shut the lights off turned my fans on and went to bed. My anger was still tearing through me. At some points i was laughing in a twisted way. When im angry i closed fist hit my head and right knee as hard as possible.
Sorry if this is the wrong sub but I feel like anyone i try to talk to will try to put me in a mental hospital. After i got out the first time I had nightmares.
I want this anger and sadness gone. My favorite thing used to be video games but now im scared to touch them. I have no passion, desire, or drive. The only thing keeping myself from suicide is my dog and the slightest hope that things will be better.
Every day that hope gets smaller.
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self.depression
|
Loneliness I think I'm starting to lose touch with reality. It's a very weird feeling. Just when I thought I could control myself and I did and could for a respectable time and through/despite difficult exterior bad luck and situations, now I think that sometimes and right now is one of them, I just lose contact with reality. The closest thing that could describe it is a panic attack, but there is not much panic in my case, it's more like I got very hard difficulty of concentration (for instance I read one line of text and already forgot what I just wrote), focus and get very impatient against my self for something doing very simple mistakes like mistyping a word. I will call my doctor the next week but it is sad really. I had an horrible lonely life and physical problems that did not let me do sport. I am working on that recently. I am hard working but it seems that the brain wants to send me a message, the brains wants me to communicate and stop isolating myself because I might just lose my mind completely but it is not possible. I can't reach out to other people, not that I don't like them but I am in a complete different world I can not fit in in any group. I might die of brain tumor or something, I don't know at this point. Maybe after I go to bed tonight I will lose my mind. I don't know why I come here to type this but well.
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self.depression
|
Does anyone else ever get nostalgic for bad things they did while (Hypo)manic, Even though those things really hurt people? I've done some pretty awful things to people while I've been hypomanic or in a mixed state, and I truly, deeply regret those actions. They're possibly the worst decisions I've ever made. But when I'm in a bad mood, especially if I'm feeling powerless, I think back to the things I did and wish I'd done even more of it, even though that would have meant hurting even more people. I made a promise to God I'd never go back down that road, and I have no intention of breaking that promise... But all the same, sometimes I wish I could.
Does this happen to anyone else?
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self.bipolar
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Xanax Wow. My anxiety. Is gone. Drank a few beers then some one offered me a bar. This is amazing, i feel nothing:)
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self.depression
|
Does anyone else feel like a quitter? Like you see these stories of people overcoming huge shit, like being shot or abuse or cheating, starting organizations and sharing their inspirational stories. And here I am, I can't even find the motivation to work out for more than a week straight. When shit gets rough, I just give up and resort to the idea that the worlds sucks and there's nothing I can do.
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self.depression
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What's the point of living if you suck at everything and no one likes you? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Lil peep a rapper who helped many people through depression has died. If anyone feels as though they want to commit suicide after this call the suicide hotline or PM me. I’ll talk to you. Don’t freak out [removed]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Just had my first counseling session Just had my first counseling session. It went well. I feel a lot lighter. It's nice feeling understood and at the same time having a better understanding of my causes of depression.
Does counseling/therapy help you guys?
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self.depression
|
I’ve been seeing a few comorbidity posts lately— anyone have bipolar + OCD? I understand this is sort of common, so I apologize if there’s already been posts like this.
My psychologist thinks it’s possible I have OCD as well and although I don’t have a confirmed diagnosis right now I have a few questions.
When did your symptoms start showing up/when were you diagnosed compared to your experiences with bipolar? Do your symptoms get worse during episodes? In general what’s it like for you living with both disorders?
I received my bipolar diagnosis back in January and I’ve spent the entire year learning as much as I can and trying all kinds of treatments, but this is completely new territory for me. Any insight would be greatly appreciated.
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self.bipolar
|
Running out of options.. I don’t usually start these threads, but if someone has any advice I would really appreciate hearing it.
In short: Bipolar 1, cis female, 29, diagnosed at 21 after massive psychosis and breakdown.
I’m turning 30 in a few months. My fiancé and I broke up a few months ago (he had undiagnosed mental illness and he became extremely emotionally abusive). We are still living together (lease expires in Feb next year). I can’t move out because:
1. We have three cats (I will have to fight to keep all three, he doesn’t take care of them but wants to keep one)
2. Everything we own is shared.
3. My family live interstate and are too toxic to have in my life, so that’s no option
4. I don’t have many friends because I’ve either pushed them away or they’ve left because they don’t understand
5. I’m in debt, no savings
6. Can’t live with others because my cats are strictly indoor- if someone let them out and they got hurt I would actually kill my self because they are the only reason I live.
7. My ex and I sometimes get along, but mostly we don’t. So most nights I’m manic, destructive, not sleeping. We also play in a band together, not helpful.
8. He owes me money, always a hard conversation with him.
9. I’m about to lose my job because I’ve had to take so much time off (considering disability pension, but that will take time)
10. Can’t function because the volume of meds makes me too spacey, too dizzy, too sleepy, too hungry, too fucking sad.
I feel like I’m in a position where I have no choice, no options. That I have no control over anything. My psych and I both agree hospital would be a good option right now, but I hate having my phone, laptop, guitar etc taken from me, and I can’t survive without my cats.
I have no idea how to even begin to turn this around. I’ve tried 25+ drugs, therapy, live the strict routine lifestyle every day; but my illness gets worse every year. There’s only so much ‘it’ll get better’ you can lie to yourself about. I honestly feel like the best way to describe bipolar is that your brain is doing everything it can to make you kill yourself, and you spend every second trying to fight it. But it doesn’t matter how hard you fight, or how hard you try. The result is always the same.
Sorry to be such a negative Nancy 😔
Forgot to mention, cutting regularly and extremely suicidal
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self.bipolar
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Help with triggers Hi I have a lot of triggers that make me angry. If I don't eat often enough I get super pissed. If it's to hot out, I get supper pissed, if I don't have enough socialisation I get super pissed or depressed, if I don't sleep enough I get super pissed. This is with medication. So how do I get enough sleep, eat regular ally enough with for me is every 2 hours, deal with heat and not be so irritable I don't want to be around anyone if 1 or more of these triggers is happening. Also physical pain makes me angrier than normal. For instance, low blood sugar, lack of sleep, 30 celsius out, headache and no one to vent to is what's going on this moment. So that's 4 things at once as well as bipolar, so like do i just live in misery or are these solvable issues?
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self.bipolar
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Help on intrusive thoughts? Hi, for the past year I have been suffering from intrusive thoughts, mainly on self harm. It started from a thought popping in my head saying "jump off this balcony" and it has manifested into anything that could harm me. Does anyone have any help for me on this? Recently it's felt like I'm getting closer to wanting to act on these thoughts and I keep thinking I'm getting depressed although I love my life aside from these thoughts. If anyone could help me that would be great. I just don't want to be plagued by this and other anxiety in general forever (another fear of mine) Thanks :)
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self.Anxiety
|
I really can't do this an more and I don't want platitudes and hugs, there's really no way out and I have no fight left in me {TW] I dobtbknow whether this post should go here or on suicide watch, suicide watch is such bullshit, it makes me so angry to see peoples comments. I can't even go there to help others. I just feel I'm past the end of my rope and I have no more left in me to keep fighting. I know the rigamarole, ideation vs active plan and the bullshit about hospitals. No one is going to take me, I'm not in danger and I'm certainly not going through the trauma of all of that because I can barely handle what I'm dealing with now. I JUST DONT WANT TO FUCKING HEAR IT, OK?
I'm sick yet another day. I'm breathing oil fumes in my apt, the basement reeks of oil and from what my landlord says it's "normal" and his solution is to just leave the windows and back door open. This is a new furnace for the building and it broke already.. The fucking carbon monoxide detector is at zero. I don't know that there's anything to detect or it's broken. I naturally don't have any place to go, or friends, or relatives to stay with that would be a safer and healthier environment. This is my best option right now, and I'm seeing a doctor this week about potential heart problems I may now have, in addition to worsening asthma and exhaustion. I have nowhere to go and I don't have the energy to claw my way out anymore.
If I could actually work I could get the fuck out of here. I'm too ill to work. I ran a couple of errands today that means tomorrow I might not be able to do anything at all. I'm running out of medication and I'm too tired to pick up the new prescription. WTF. This is a new thing. I'm often too tired to get groceries and the store is close. I used to walk two miles to a grocery store, load up a 40 L backpack and walk back in all weather, freezing cold, rain, snow, it didn't matter. I didn't have a car so if there wasnt a bus I just walked. Back then after the buses stopped running for the night I walked the 7 miles home. I used to be able to work crazy hours, I had accumulated the maximum vacation so I couldn't earn more days, healthy as a horse, never got sick. I need to get out of here so I'm well enough to work at least part time. This place is making me ill.
I am angry, so angry. I feel RAGE, and then exhaustion.
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self.bipolar
|
desire leading to depression? This is so childish, but I really want a cat. For my entire life, I've been living with dogs, but I'm strongly a cat person. The thing is, I don't have a cat. It's all I think about every single day. I'm very, very lonely. I have no friends at school, and when I get home I either just go to sleep or cry. My mom wouldn't mind having a cat, she wants one. My grandma wouldn't mind either. But it's very complicated because we rent and blah blah blah. The point is, we can't get one. Not for a while. But this is all my fault, I've gotten my hopes up so high. I can't stop thinking about my future kitten and it's so dumb. I need one. I've never had an obsession like this before. The reason I want a cat is because making friends is so difficult at school, and I want something to look foreword to when I get home, something I can take care of and cuddle and give all of my love. But all of my dreams are shattered. I've been having so many nightmares lately, and most days I just sleep until I can't sleep anymore.
I just needed to get this out.
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self.depression
|
Taking Venaflaxine So I've started taking Venaflaxine yesterday for my general anxiety and my Psychiatrist told me to take it for 6 weeks. Starting from 37.5mg and doubling every 2 weeks. I was wondering if any one else has taken this medication and experiences weird feelings in the chest, such as weakness or feeling tired most of the day. Will these side effects go away on their own as I keep taking this? Thanks.
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self.Anxiety
|
running out of steam and motivation for school i shouldn't have taken 5 classes, 4 classes is required to be a full time student. I've taken on more than I can chew.
I'm only 3 weeks away from finishing this semester, too. But I'm losing steam. Semester projects are announced today. But I don't want to do these assignments anymore. I'm mentally fatigued. I'm exhausted in terms of motivation.
I don't even know why I'm pushing so hard. This is a public, no name, city college. This is not a target school. Fortune 500 companies don't even give a shit even if my GPA is 4.
There's literally NO PAY OFF in striving for academic excellence. I would get the same piece of shit paper as that guy who had a 2.0 GPA.
I didn't understand the VALUE of an ivy league name on a resume until now. It's a like a golden ticket. I bet there are shit head students in Harvard getting paid 30/hour for a internship in some fortune 50 company.
AND I AM VERY EMPLOYABLE. I had a union job that was $21/hour with full medical benefits and a pension plan! That was BEFORE I came back to do my stupid BS degree.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
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self.offmychest
|
If your going through depression and have friends Then tell them whatever it is that is bothering you, your friends are their for that, vent to them, get your shit out, don't keep it in and let it eat away you from the inside like I did. Also ask them if they are ok.
With me I was so used to being the strong one I didn't know how to vent or open up to them, so some shit I went through destroyed me and started a downward spiral.
They say pride comes before the fall and I understand it now, when your too proud (Like I was) to admit my girlfriend was fucking me about, family members dying, other shit going wrong. When you don't vent that, when you don't tell your mates the bullshit that's going on in your life. It will fester. It will rot you from inside out.
I was so proud I never thought my girlfriend would cause me hell. I was so proud I never thought I would find it hard to get another job, I never thought I wasn't going to be a success.
And I let it all eat away at me, because I didn't know how to say, hang on a minute, this shit isn't working, or Im grieving, or Im pissed off. I just kept my stiff upper lip until I imploded on myself.
You must have people you can vent to in life. Its very hard if you don't.
And to those that have nobody - vent online, or to a stranger, or on a fucking facebook post. Just get that shit out of your head so your free to live again.
And If you feel like a burden venting, then show your humour whilst you do it.
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self.depression
|
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