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My boyfriend is my only friend. I don’t even know if this is even a bad thing, maybe it’s completely normal. But my anxiety has been complete shit today and i don’t know why and this is currently what’s on my brain keeping me up. I’m 22 and feel kinda alone. I’m about to go into my last semester & finish school online. I’ve been to 3 of my college’s campuses & never made a friend that stuck. Probably unsurprisingly I’m an introvert and stuck to myself pretty much honestly. I don’t think i know how to start a conversation first. I’m a writer, i love writing more than anything but I’m terrified i won’t be able to make it my full time job even though I’m doing okay right now with some decent ideas and plans. I’m trying to navigate communicating better within the work space period. As well as doing a lot of inward work on myself after a really hard year. My boyfriend is great. & so supportive. But aside from him and my immediate family that’s it in my life. (Have i mentioned I’m disabled?)
Thanks for listening reddit. Felt good to get this out.
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self.Anxiety
|
I don't know if I can keep going anymore I've been alone for two years. I mean completely alone. A couple years ago my parents took me out of highschool (I was a freshman) against my will, took away all my contact to the outside world. No internet, no way to talk to the few friends I had at the time. I didn't go anywhere, I didn't have any friends, I did nothing all day every day. I went out maybe once every couple of months, only to go to the store which lasted at most an hour. It's been two years of this. I don't even know how I survived this long. I haven't had an actual conversation with someone in so long.. I can't remember the last time I genuinely laughed.(I don't laugh around my family) I've been depressed since around age 12, I'm almost 17 now. My family knows this (from my multiple suicide attempts) and they don't care. My best bet is to leave when I turn 18 and get help myself but I don't know if I can make it until then. What am I supposed to do just suffer? I cry every day. I'm so lonely I feel like I'm going crazy. I'm crying writing this right now. I don't really know what the point of this is, sorry if this is a jumbled mess I just don't know what to do anymore. If anyone has any advice, or maybe just some words of encouragement that'd be appreciated.
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self.depression
|
What's the point I'm done giving to people. I'm done holding out hope. I'm done trying to see the best in people. I'm done waking up every morning hoping this will be better and I just get stuck in this nightmare.
I don't want Christmas. I don't want my birthday. I don't want anyone talking to me or bothering me or acting like they care only to abandon me when I need them most.
Why do I always have to give above and beyond for people? When will someone give that love back to me? I'm stupid for ever trying. For ever having hope.
All I want to do is get my own place and cut off contact with everyone. Go to work, come home, go to bed and just do me. No one gets in.
How can you say you love someone and then push them away? How can you do that? Why do we do this to one another? Why do we hurt the people we care about most?
I'm done. I want to run away. I don't even want to be around for the holidays and put on a fake smile. I don't want to deal with people's pity and fakeness. I don't want to answer the "how are you doing?" question a million times because I'm not okay. I'm a fucking mess. I've lost my person. My person doesn't want me.
I'm done being compared to my sister. My perfect little baby sister because she fits into the box she works with the family. But heaven forbid I step outside the small town box and become independent and do something on my own. I'm done giving a shit for people that can't give a shit back.
You have turned someone with the biggest heart into the coldest, most hateful person. You did this. You all did this. Your bullshit did this.
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self.offmychest
|
After realizing what I've done... [possible triggers] I'm writing this because of all the allegations that have come out in the news recently and it all brought up guilt I've been holding on to. There isn't a way to write about this that doesn't suck for anyone reading this, but it's killing me.
This was more than 10 years ago. I was 20 and she was 15. We were friends first before it became romantic (obviously, this should never have progressed to that, let alone beyond it) and eventually sex, once. We broke up afterwards due to other people I was dating at the time (not because of this; they knew, it was for other reasons which I realize is messed up but has nothing to do with my responsibility for this.)
I won't make excuses. I was clearly an idiot and immature beyond belief. To make things worse, we were both clearly confused at the time so even if this hadn't already been the wrong thing to do, it would have been anyway.
I moved on, to other states and other things, and didn't think about it for a long time. I never did anything like that again, but I definitely kept perpetuating the same kind of toxic culture and behaviour that hurts and silences so many women (and others.)
I started a family with a wonderful person who has helped me do a lot of growing up. Eventually, I came to realize how bad my actions and thinking were and why. I haven't stopped being horrified at myself since. My spouse knows and has refrained from making excuses for me, but has told me that I can't change it now and the only thing I can do is what I have done, which is to be a better person and make sure our children know and do better.
But, reddit, the guilt is killing me. It feels like a maze I'm wandering around in and can't get out. Is it possible she doesn't remember me? Yes. But I doubt that. It's not like I can go find her and apologize because I learned that sort of thing actually revictimizes people and forces them to relive through the thing all over again. At that point, I wouldn't be giving her any closure, I would just be doing something selfish to alleviate my feelings.
If, by some miracle, you're actually reading this, Mary: I'm sorry. I hope your life is happy. I should have been more mature and responsible. It was not okay and if it was possible, I'd go back and stop myself right from the beginning. The person I was will never show up again and will never again do something so harmful and stupid.
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self.offmychest
|
Why Does It Matter? No, I am not in imminent danger of killing myself. I have my children to live for; if I kill myself, they will not benefit from what I can teach them and from the money I can provide for them.
That said, I am not against the idea should something happen to my children, or if they no longer need me. I am currently going through a divorce and I am an Afghanistan veteran. Technically, those are supposed to be two risk factors for someone to kill themselves. The fact that it's the holidays is supposed to enhance that risk.
I have indeed been under a lot of stress lately and a few weeks ago, I thought about how it would be much better if I killed myself. Certainly, my problems would be over, and I wouldn't care about all of those worries. It seemed so easy. I put a gun to my head and then talked myself down by asking, "what is there to live for?" And that is when my children entered my thoughts. They still need me. So I put the gun down.
There is no worry about them finding me if I did it. I live hundreds of miles away.
But what if I did it? Yes, people would be sad, but as we all know, life goes on. No matter how sad someone is in the immediate aftermath, life goes on. The world continues. It must. Even my children would go to Disney one day and laugh and play and then grow up, get married, have kids, and have lives filled with happiness. What effect would my death actually have on that? No real long term effect, from what I can see.
Living for others is a tough concept that way. They will go on, regardless. Sometimes I am reminded that I have to go on, because others who went to Afghanistan didn't get the luxury of having the choice to live or die. And that has also stayed my hand.
For those who know me, even very very well, it would be a shock. I am considered the life of the party, confident, and with a lot of future potential. But somehow, it loses a lot of meaning.
I can keep myself going sometimes with thoughts that I want to see as much of the world as possible before I die.
But I still come back to the same ideas of feeling like there's no point, especially with all the crap that's going on.
Any thoughts?
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don't want to go back to college and I'd rather just kill myself than suffer more embarrassment [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I don’t know what to do with myself anymore Everything seems downhill from here. Every single major goal I’ve had in life has either failed or is failing before my eyes. I feel like i peaked in high school and my peak was pitiful. I can’t seem to even get a job that I can be content with. I would go back to school but I’ve ruined my academic record and even if I were to get accepted, I have problems dealing with authority figures.
I’ve lost all my closest friends because I’m a parasite who leeches off of others to even try and get things done. The only way I’ve come even close to accomplishing goals is by exploiting people until they despise me. I don’t even want to, but it’s the only way I haven’t completely failed before.
My family are the only people who care about me and honestly that’s the only reason I haven’t pulled the trigger yet. Honestly, it irritates me that they are the only ones holding me back. I just don’t want my Mom or Grandma to hurt themselves because of me.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I just don't care about anything. No motivation to do literally anything, I'm basically a depressed slob, suicide does seem like a very good option but Its just too hard to do.
|
self.depression
|
Had to leave work early Ick what a day. I went in to work as usual but about 45 minutes into it I couldn’t handle it. I was having trouble breathing, shaking and terrified. I ended up going home early. I’m probably staying home tomorrow too. I’m glad it’s over but I’m afraid to go back.
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self.Anxiety
|
No sleep I didn’t get any sleep last night for no reason. I missed two meetings this morning to try and rest but I couldn’t fall asleep. I just can’t afford to go hypomanic right now with starting work again. I have one important meeting in an hour and then I’ll try and rest again.
Any tips to stop this in its track!?
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self.bipolar
|
I tried to overdose and I regret throwing up the pills I tried to kill myself yesterday. For just a few minutes after I took the pills I thought I could bear to be alive and I decided I would throw up the pills I took. I still almost died, and lying on the floor thinking it was the end is the most peaceful I have ever been. My friends are so mad at me and it would have just been so much easier to have just let myself die. I honestly can’t think of a reason not to try again.
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self.depression
|
no desire for college ever since i was very young, i never had the “dream” to go to college like so many kids. i never chose a dream school to strive for or reach for. i’ve never felt like college was something i wanted to do. i want to make music, and i get it, the cliche art student who doesn’t think they need school. i never see a goal out of college though. all i see is that you either waste all your parents money and make them have a worse retirement, or you pay all the money for years after you go to college. and for what? a paper on a wall that’s a good icebreaker at a gathering? i’ve never seen college in my path. it’s really terrifying for me now, as i’m a sophomore in high school, in six months everyone in my school will start thinking about their application decisions, and essays, and preparing to go to college. I go to a college preparatory high school that has a 100% acceptance rate. there is so much pressure on every student to strive and go to harvard or yale and i don’t even want to go to college in general. which would be a more asshole move: wasting all my parents money that they saved up their entire life for me for something i don’t even want, or tell them i don’t need the money that they have been saving their entire life? i’m not sure what i’m trying to say, i guess i just had to let this out somewhere.
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self.offmychest
|
I need to find a part-time job by mid-January and extremely scared of failure I had to quit my full-time job to finish school in time. (Currently using holiday and vacation time to cushion me out until the end of January) I have a big job offer in August banking on me finishing my degree in Spring 2018 so I put my school schedule on turbo drive. I haven't ever worked outside of the place I've now worked for 4 years. I am afraid I'm both overqualified and underqualified for a simple part-time job.
I told my parents about the idea of trading in my stressful full-time gig in lieu of a part-time one closer to home in order to finish out my studies. They never liked it, despite my rationale. I did it anyway and I can't tell them and I am scared to death of failure.I don't live with them but I don't have many expenses... I need to make like $600 a month to stay afloat. But I have savings.
How difficult is it really to find a part-time job in a big city? I'm panicking.
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self.Anxiety
|
Need insight I've never posted on reddit before but i just need to vent and talk to someone. So me and my best friend were hanging out the other day and out of nowhere i hear him say "should i do it?" I looked over and he was holding a pocketknife and pretending like he's gonna cut his wrist and he's smiling like he thinks it's funny. I have a scar on my wrist from attempting suicide 4 years ago. I don't know why he would do that to me. Is he an idiot or just a fucking asshole? What would make somebody do that? I'm starting to hate him
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self.bipolar
|
Video games make me highly stressed (Please don't say that I'm mentally crazy and that I need to see a psychiatrist. I just want assurance) Hi.
Lemme just start by saying that I'm a 15 year old girl in high school. I tend to get really anxious at night but during the day, I'm fine. I think it's because school tends to keep me busy.
Ever since I was a kid, I loved video games. I've been gaming since I was a toddler. My older brother encouraged my gaming habits because he was a gamer as well. (He still is)
I always used to play video games without a problem. I loved playing them and they always relaxed me and made me happy.
In 2014, I got into the Legend of Zelda series to the point where it was kinda of an obsession. I still love LoZ but my obsession kinda cooled down. After finishing Ocarina of Time, I fell in love with the music. I listened to the music almost everyday because I couldn't believe how music from a video game could be so beautiful and good.
So I decided to contact one of my gamer friends to ask her if she knew of any more video games that had incredible music. She suggested that I play Chrono Trigger. She told me that it was very advanced for its time and she highly recommended that I tried it.
I tried it and I got hooked.
Right when I finished school, I would play the game for hours on end each day. It was a very bad obsession. When I got up to the point of the final boss, that's when things got really bad.
On a Saturday morning, I got up late and are breakfast and decided to tackle the final boss. It was incredibly hard. It was near impossible to defeat. I started the fight at 12:00 P.M and I didn't stop to ear or to take a break until 5 or 6:00 P.M.
I spent my whole freaking day repeating the cycle of dying and respawning over and over again. I got a panic attack and my heart rate was 160 bpm.
I instantly regretted wasting all my time on a stupid 16 bit video game and I promised myself I would never allow that blunder to happen again.
And it never did happen. But now I suffer the consequences of that day every time I fight a boss battle in a video game.
Whenever a boss battle starts in a video game, my heart rate shoots up, my palms start to sweat and my heart rate sky rockets into the 100s. I know full well that it is just a game, I know it isn't real and I know I won't ever binge game again but for some reason, I associate boss battles in video games to that panic attack I got playing Chrono Trigger.
I consider myself an anxious person. Whenever I try something new, I get nervous, whenever I'm out somewhere (be it a movie theater, a friend's house, or a ballet at Lincoln Center) I get nervous and scared for some reason. I don't know if it's my constantly changing hormones or not but I have seen a doctor about my anxiety. (I never mentioned the problem I get with video games to him though) and he has prescribed me some pills. He didn't order for a refill though because he doesn't want me to rely on pills at such a young age. I respect him a lot for that but I don't know how to deal with my anxiety without the aids of pills.
Again, please don't say I'm crazy. In just a really nervous person.
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self.Anxiety
|
Thoughts painted red. If I continue to go on the way I have been since the start of the year, I don't think I'll make it much longer. I hate myself. I hate my mind. I repeat the same thoughts over and over and over, in my mind, like an audible voice screaming at me. It's like I have closed myself off yet I am so vulnerable to my boyfriend. I have been telling myself to shut off, but I love him. I don't want to though. It's easier not to care than to feel vulnerable and he's already shared that I was right about a specific feeling that I thought he was feeling. I knew he was over the "honeymoon" phase, but I'm still building up in it. But now because of the truth, I can't trust that he will love me anymore. He said he loved me first, I wasn't sure if I could do it... But eventually I lowered that wall and for a brief moment, we were in the same spot. Fuck, it was glorious. I want it back, but I'm thinking I can't continue to grow, if he's already plateaud. Nothing worse that being in love with someone and knowing they don't love you as much. I try to be light and fun but I ruminate on the thoughts of how I need to put those walls back up and not feel anything. To shut him out and not care that I am about to lose something I have been wanting for years.
My thoughts are constant about wanting to die. I imagine slitting my wrists, I imagine swerving off the road. Taking so many pills that I won't wake up. I think about it constantly. It permeates my every waking moment. I hate myself. I hate my mind. I want to give up. I want to stop breathing. I'm tired of being me. I want to either be better or be nothing at all. I imagine the knife slicing my skin and watching the blood pool around the knife, and then watching it run down over the wrist and drip on to the floor beneath me. I would love to just fall asleep and never wake up. I'm done fighting for a life that I don't think will be much of anything but painful with a little bit of joy mixed in. I won't do it. Too many people that I have influence over would be hurt. I don't want them to have to think about what they could have done. Nothing. I'm sick. It's just like someone with diabetes falling into a coma and never waking up. I will succumb to my illness. Fucked up thing is that at the end of the year before I started to play with my meds I was in such a great spot. I was healthy and happy. I knew happiness and fucked it up. I wonder how many of you all feel this too? I know it's all just symptoms of the mind. The lack of a balance. I get it. I guess I'm really just looking to not be alone. To talk to someone who doesn't have a connection to my life. To someone that I can't scare away with these thoughts that steal my happiness. To someone who isn't going to get sick of trying to be happy with me and run away the moment things get weird. I'm waiting to get into a pdoc... I can't talk to my boyfriend because I don't think he can deal with or even wants to work through the drama. My mom would just worry, my friends don't know me anymore... My sisters have their own lives. So yea, maybe I'm just looking to not feel like I'm the only one walking around with these thoughts destroying the drive to move forward.
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self.bipolar
|
Advice on mixed episode self care Hey boys and girls. I am seeing my psychiatrist on Wednesday but we have spaced out our appointments to once every 3 weeks so I am doing very well (1 year since hospital).
Unfortunately I have been tracking my mood and am feeling a mixed episode. 3 weeks ago I was extremely productive, 2 weeks ago less productive but very distracted, spending a lot of money on unrelated things and opening myself up to others. This past week is another amplification of the previous. It is all progressing too quickly for me.
Enjoyment during the day turns to frustration and depression at night.
Sleep wise, I am getting 7-9 hours which is optimal. I took seroquel for a week to help sort things out but now it is too strong. Even a 25mg quick release knocks me out for an extra 2 hours.
So my sleep is fine...maybe a bit on the long side. And when I become agitated using seroquel destroys the day.
I am distraught tonight because of something stressful that happened. I fear this will kick things into overdrive.
Any tips on this conundrum? Mindfulness and that stuff isn't working, I am too far along I think. I am sure my doctor has advice but I want to see what you guys have to share.
Forgive the length.
tl;dr Tiny amounts of medication to calm me makes me oversleep. Without the medication I become increasingly agitated during the day and very frustrated and depressed at night. What do?
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self.bipolar
|
My anxiety screws up every job I have had and might get me fired from my newest one My anxiety has been with me since 15/16, and it has affected my work negatively since my first job. At my first job, I worked at a daycare. I guess watching up to 5 children at a time was too stressful for me, so I broke down in tears and had a major panic attack because I felt like I wasn’t doing my job right. My second job was at Walmart as a baker. I left after 1 week because my anxiety made me so sick that I physically could not get on the bus to work (I was literally standing right at the bus stop but my legs would not move to get on the bus). My 3rd job was at a fast food restaurant, where I got fired because my anxiety made me an absolute mess in that stressful and active of an environment... and my current job is training to become an insurance issuer, but I have absolutely no experience in this field and I have been working there for 1 week but my boss is not happy with me because 1. I’m not learning the modules fast enough, and I’m making a lot of small mistakes and 2. I have already missed 2 days because I had a panic attack the morning before and am unable to come into work... my current boss knows about my anxiety, and she’s getting tired of my shit. She said that if I don’t have my behaviour under control by the end of the month I will no longer be working there.... I really can’t lose this job, I ran out of money from being unemployed after getting fired from my last job. I take medication for my anxiety but it doesn’t help me actually function, it just stops the constant suffering I used to have... how can I make my anxiety not affect my work so negatively? If there’s no way, should I apply for disability?
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self.Anxiety
|
I don’t want to fade My grandpa died this June. He had dementia and he was becoming a completely different person. He ran away and bought a bunch of different cars, he had a plan to rob a grocery store, he thought we were hiding money from him and we wouldn’t tell him. I think he forgot me. The night before he died I hoped he’d be okay.. I cried for him. Then we got the news. He collapsed and paramedics came for him.
I don’t want to fade. I don’t want to change completely. I don’t want to lose myself. I’m afraid if I get dementia my family will forget who I was. I’m afraid of being forgotten, even though a large part of me just wants to be forgotten.
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self.depression
|
Anyone looking for friendly company on xbox? It's late and all my friends who have jobs are asleep. Being alone sucks. I have tons of games we can play together. We don't even have to have a full conversation. Gt: Mash3735
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self.Anxiety
|
why? This is a safe space, but why am I afraid to talk? to mingle? To experience or speak with others?
Why do I not contribute out of fear?
Why do I hate looking in the mirror?
Why do i hat the sound of my own voice?
The feel of my own touch?
why is disgust ingrained into my every movement?
Why do I loathe being alive, yet praise it for not getting rid of me yet?
Why am i so alone?
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self.depression
|
Friend Dating Situation I am in my final school year, I am a senior who is 17 years old and one of my classmates is dating a 13-year-old girl what should I do? It feels very wrong the boy feels that this is normal and there is nothing wrong about it. His Dad and Mum have an age difference of 20 years and his uncle and aunt have an age difference of 25 years. He is not doing very well at school and his habits are changing. He spends his time at the back of the class alone texting her and is not focusing on his work.
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self.offmychest
|
I'm being dropped from a circle of friends and it sucks I can tell I am being dropped from a circle of friends. Invitations have stopped, they all get together without me, etc etc. I don't know why or what happened and I know I am better off without them but it still sucks
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self.offmychest
|
How quickly can antidepressants stop working? I asked r/depression a couple days ago, but it didn't get any responses. Bad timing, I guess. If you want more details I didn't provide there, check my history.
I started Effexor roughly 4 and half months ago, slowly ramping up to the 300 mg dosage I'm at now. At first it was great, never felt so damn good in my life. About a month and a half ago, I noticed a decline in the way I felt. Dangerous thoughts becoming more frequent, taking certain measures to remove opportunities for me to hurt myself. The vivid, *vivid* daydreams of harming myself. I'm in the military. I haven't worn a belt since I started treatment.
And is it normal to have a second... voice? Devil's Advocate? I know it's me. There's no thought of it being someone else. But I berate myself and argue and I'm worried that if I ever brought it up to my provider they'll put me back up on the ward.
My visit was necessary, productive, best use of my time in years, but I don't want to go back. I want to be useful. I want to help. Sitting in a robe and socks in the same damn room for days or weeks is not what I need to get better. Therapy, sure, new drugs, bring it, but I don't want to go back.
So yeah, can antidepressants start... stopping like that? It was so great at first and then it just... wasn't, anymore.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I cannot be saved Already decided to end it all. Guess I just want to leave a message to get it off my chest, since I don't have any friends or family who would care to leave notes to.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Telling a new partner about my depression? Hi guys
Just looking for some advice. I have been seeing someone for over 3 months. Things have been going well between us.
The problem lies within my depression. I wish I could live a lifetime without ever having to tell him. It is however, starting to affect things. Not in any major way, and not in any way he can tell. I have been canceling dates or night out because I honestly couldn't get myself out of the house. I think I'm at the point where I have to tell him, he seems to be getting frustrated. I feel that I need to explain myself. My personality is a "yes" person, I'm always social and up for fun. Canceling on him so often is not me.
How do I tell him?
Should I even be? Should I wait longer.
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self.depression
|
i wanna leave i just want to sell my shit and just go somewhere I've always wanted to, when the time is right, just end it. i've been struggling with social anxiety, regular anxiety, add, and just shit grades. i want my parents to be proud of me but the way its looking, they wont be. i've never been in a relationship with someone that actually loves me and all the times i was about to start one, anxiety takes over and fucks everything up. i have no friends and my only happy place is on my computer with random strangers i'll probably never meet. im just done trying
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I️ am a terrible human being and my best friend will probably shoot me if they found out. My best friend and I️ slept over at her boyfriend’s house the other night. We all wound up in his bed with her asleep between us. At some point during the night, she decided to get up and go sleep in a chair across the room. Next thing I️ know, he’s spooning me from behind and rubbing my stomach dangerously close to my nether regions. Then he starts to touch more. After an hour or so if this, she comes get back in the bed (he’s still spooning me). She falls back asleep and he starts finger fucking me as he’s grabbing my ass. I️ didn’t stop him. I️ don’t know what to do...
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self.offmychest
|
Just hoping to vent about how miserable this week has been. Usually I'm dead inside but I've been drinking profusely and apparently that's triggered my brain into feeling sad all the time even when I'm sober, so that's fun. Just like, constant pain in my brain. I break down crying multiple times a day and have no source of solace or comfort or anything to get me out of it. I'm sure if you're reading this you're familiar with how that goes.
My boyfriend is my only companion in life and lately he's been ridiculous. He's drunk all the time too and he keeps starting arguments and telling me I don't love him which has always been traumatizing for me but in the past we've been able to talk it out in the morning, get to the root of what he's feeling and have a happy and healthy relationship despite some drunken hiccups. We can't do that anymore if he NEVER GETS SOBER. He seems to legitimately hate me. It's especially hard to deal with because of how miserable I feel as he's berating me. It's hard to comfort him when there's no one to comfort me and I've started to give up on the conversations before they even happen which of course upsets him more.
Sorry if this vent is all over the place I just hate being alone with all of this, I've never been good at talking so I just let it spill from the tipsiness I still have from blacking out last night. I just want all of this to be over. I want my boyfriend to love me again and I want to stop feeling so bad all the time.
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self.depression
|
Reddit Gives the Worst Relationship Advice I seriously think most upvoted relationship advice comes from people who have never been in a long term relationship and it gets upvoted by people who also have romanticized the concept way too much. Every time anyone brings a problem up, the whole site tells that person to be 100% honest, and never hold anything back. Anything less is slight on the other person and people must break up if they are not willing to say every thought open and honestly. It's frustrating to see such advice that lacks all nuance always be what everyone goes to. Relationships are far more complicated and reserving thoughts is not a bad thing
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self.offmychest
|
Anxiety About Getting a Cat - Advice Appreciated!! Hello everyone. I've been feeling down for about a year, ever since I broke up with my ex and he took back his cat. I was very attached to the cat and missed his company more than my ex. Recently I've been tossing around the idea of getting a cat of my own, and my therapist thinks it's a good idea, but I'm worried that I'll get a cat and he won't like me, or something will happen to him and I'll have to give him away or something.
Do any of you have cats? Are they very expensive aside from their food and litter? I've cared for cats before but never had one of my own and that's making my anxiety soar. I know I can care for one and be a good cat mom I'm just scared that I'll screw it up. Maybe this is just a rant but I really want to do this right. Any advice would be appreciated!
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self.Anxiety
|
Realization This is probably the wrong place to post this but I just really wanted to say this and didn’t know where to post it,
I’ve come to the realization that the higher the expectations I have for some event, the shittier it is, and lower the expectations I have for some event, the more fun and memorable it is.
I had very high expectations for this NYE party I went to. Turned out to be so dull and boring.
Went to this mid-day outdoor picnic party a couple of weeks ago. I didn’t wanna spend my precious Saturday afternoon there at all but there was no getting out of it. Crush showed up at the party. People there turned out to be awesome too, made great new friends. Most fun I’ve had in a long time.
This is just one of many examples. Can anyone relate?
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self.offmychest
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Feel Lonely. Wish There Was Someone I Connected With [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Potential Lithium Poisoning or just Hypochondriac Panic Disorder? (important) Sooo, I usually take my lithiums at 19.00 - 19.30, 600mg a night.
I was gaming and I asked my stepfather when he is coming, first message was sent 18.00 and second 19.31.
Well, when he came at 21.00 or something I remembered to take my lithiums. And since I have sit during the whole day I hadn't noticed my dizziness so when I went for a shower I decided to google "lithium dizziness" and then I found article to lithium poisoning which "may be fatal".
So I freaked out like hell, and I can't remember if I took double dose or not. Still in panic.
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self.bipolar
|
What am I doing wrong, my wife has CFS? Hello all. My wife and I are going through a hard time. She has always been insecure and has always expected me to leave. But she has given me a great stepson and my own son (13 year gap) and she has become the best friend I could want. I know I am not easy to get on with (silly man not talking) and I may have got too comfortable with things.
But she has had a lot of health problems and is a chronic pain sufferer and now has CFS /ME I have always tried my best to be right at her side for all her appointments and treatments. I've supported her with everything she wanted or needed from new work ventures or just rest in bed.
Last week she told she had came off her anti depressants and her head cleared; she told me that she no longer wants to be with me. she has done this before, and I managed to fix things. Her friends and sister tell me not to worry but this time I am really scared. She won't talk to me, so I sent an email to her explaining my feelings towards her, and I send her messages on WhatsApp telling how I am feeling and how I want to support her and on how I want to hold her like lovers when she's not in pain. Just 2 days ago her granddad who she is really close too had a stroke, and she is very upset it's frustrating that she won't let me near to help... what can I do?
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self.offmychest
|
Does anyone else feel that living is just too much effort? No matter what I do, I just feel so tired all the time. Everything is so hard you know? I get suicidal thought, but more frequently it's just a feeling that I'd like to disappear, that life is too hard.
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self.depression
|
Goal Setting Sunday 8.27.17 Let's set some goals to work toward this week. Having something to work toward seems to make me move forward at a faster pace, so I'm hoping it helps others too. Sometimes I feel like these threads spam the sub, but since when I ask about them I seem to get positive feedback, I'll keep going with it.
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self.bipolar
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Two things, one post: I'm faking a disease at work, and now I've fallen in love with someone who handles it well [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Just venting I just feel so bad. There are times when I manage to be more positive, I can even say something kind or motivational to someone else or do something nice to someone. But those times are so rare. My parents, they're great, they support me and all. They try their best to understand me, even though it's so hard. It's nice and yet I can't feel happy. I do believe in trying to get better, taking care of your mental health and helping and supporting others. I do. It's just really harder to believe those days. The comfort of believing someday things will be easier, things will be less heavy and I'll actually enjoy living... it's so hard to believe in that right now, even thought I really wanted to. I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know why I can't be normal, like my brother. We were raised almost the same way, right? He turned out ok, he has lots of friends, has a girlfriend. Even when he was feeling bad, he overcame it by himself. I wish I could do the same. I know that not everyone is the same, even siblings, and that I shouldn't compare myself with him. I just can't help when I look at him and wonder why I'm like this. Just like I can't help when I look at my parents, my friends and my life, and ask myself, why the hell I'm not happy? If everything is just fine. But I hate myself, the way I torture myself, thinking the most horrible things everyday, most of the time, twisting every nice compliment or approach. There are days when I'm better and I feel like a good person. Today is not this day. Really, I just really wanted to say this somewhere at least one person would read.
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self.depression
|
Nothing i ever do is enough. Im always the bad guy, the one who fucks up. Im tired of never being right. Im sorry to vent, but life just weighs down on my and its so hard to function with a mind that never shuts up. Do anxiety meds help? Been thinkimg about getting some.
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self.Anxiety
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Stopped seeing my therapist because his face popped up on my Facebook feed... Hey all...it happens every Fall...I climb and then fall into depression...I found a pretty good therapist and felt we were getting somewhere. I had been seeing him for 4 or 5 months or so...so I've already gotten all my history out and gotten comfortable. Then I saw his face pop up on my Facebook feed...turns out he is the husband of one of my professional contacts. I don't think he would talk about me right out but I do think if he were to talk about me there would be enough identifying context clues to put two and two together for her.
I don't want to see him anymore even though he's a great therapist...and I am so apathetic right now I don't feel like unpacking my life and starting over with anyone else. I need therapy right now for sure, I am not in a good place.
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self.bipolar
|
Have you gotten used to people not caring that you've given up on trying to talk about your depression? I'm just so used to people not giving a single care in the world about what I'm going through. I've talked about killing myself and I've said what my plan was and not one person even someone I've known for years said anything. I'm so used to people not caring that if I had the chance to tell someone what's going on in my mind I wouldn't because I don't even care anymore.
Does anyone else feel like this?
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self.depression
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Im feeling suicidal I keep trying to search ways to kill myself.. I've lost intrest in everything i don't even want to do my favorite thing in this world(play video games) I just want to go to sleep and never wake up...
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self.SuicideWatch
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Does anyone else experience constant physical symptoms of anxiety About a year ago, I had a massive panic attack and since then I've been living with physical symptoms of anxiety without respite. I have both arms and legs numb, headache, churning in my stomach, pain on the surface of my chest and palpitations. It has gotten progressively worse since in the beginning I only had one numb arm instead of both arms and legs.
This has made me barely functional. I stopped going to school and work because I'm in constant pain. I tried different medication but they either don't work or make me feel worse.
When I speak with doctors, they are always surprised that the symptoms haven't stopped for a second during the whole year. I don't know what to do anymore, I feel like it will never stop. I don't think I can last much longer living like this. I think about suicide a lot because I feel like it is the only solution out of this. The only reason why haven't done it yet is because I know that it will cause suffering to people that are close to me so I can't rationally justify killing myself. I feel like I'm stuck between suffering like this for the rest of my life or making other people suffer for the rest of their lives by ending mine.
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self.Anxiety
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Tips on finding a therapist? I’m thinking about finding a therapist in my area but am unsure how to go about finding one that is good. Does anyone have tips on how to search and scout out a therapist? I had one I really like but she’s my therapist from literally childhood and I just don’t feel comfortable telling her things now.
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self.bipolar
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Anyone else get chill with weed but also increasingly paranoia/psychotic? It sucks
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self.bipolar
|
I feel like I should take a semester off This is my third year in college, and my third semester in the current school I am at (I transferred schools after one year). My grades have been going down every semester. This semester is by far the worst, and I honestly feel horrible.
I don't know what to do. Almost every day it's a struggle for me to do even the smallest tasks. Something as simple as scheduling an appointment, or paying a bill may take me over a week. I feel like a total and complete failure. My GPA is a 2.75, and I am honestly disappointed in myself. It's always a struggle for me to get out of bed, but at night I can't seem to be able to fall asleep. I feel almost removed from what's going on. I barely go to class, and always study for exams last minute, but I don't feel like I'm actually involved. I feel like a bystander. I wake up, go to class, and then just come back home.
I can't keep on going on like this, something really has to change. I honestly really want to take a semester off, but am afraid of my parents disapproving. Also I signed a lease for an apartment so I would have to keep paying the rent if I decided to go back home. I could just take a break from school and work a job, but I don't even know if I'd be happy.
I went back home for Thanksgiving break and it felt so nice. I honestly had a great time. Part of it was that my high school friends were in town, but I just felt really happy there. There wasn't a day that I felt like shit. As soon as I get back to school I feel terrible. Everything should be going well for me, I am in a good school, in a fraternity and have a girlfriend. Despite this I feel empty. I don't really like the school, I'm not very close with my frat bros, and I'm not very close with my non-frat friends either. The only really good thing in my life right now is my girlfriend.
I am torn on what to do. I don't want to have to pay rent (my family can afford it, but it would be a waste of money) if I went back home. Going home would also mean I would barely see my girlfriend. I am not sure if I will even be happy where I currently am just working a job. I just need some help through this and any suggestions would be appreciated :)
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self.depression
|
I've been on SSRI and SNRI but neither alleviated my depression, wondering what the next option my Dr is likely to suggest? tl;dr What am I likely to go onto next?
The SNRI actually helped bring down anxiety levels initially though they seem to have come back recently, on 300mg currently but looking to stop that. It also seems to have blunted my empathy which isn't necessarily bad as I seemed to have an overabundance of it anyway.
SSRI was awhile ago but at the high dosage I felt like I'd been numbed, like someone had hit me over the head with something(if that makes sense).
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self.depression
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It’s funny how just a few comments can make you suicidal. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Emetophobia - How can I deal with it Hey guys!
Like the title says, I suffer from emetophobia ( the fear of Vomit)
It starts to make living really hard for me and I wondered if there are people out there with this phobia or how they overcame it/have an effective treatment.
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self.Anxiety
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Lamicatal Dreaming Does anyone who is taking lamictal have super vivid dreams? Before, i could never remember my dreams. Now, they feel so real and I can remember them all day. It’s a strange feeling.
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self.bipolar
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I really think i have depression but yeah i am scared of docktors i feel so sick in my head. [deleted]
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self.depression
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I have been discriminated against far more by people from my own country (India) then by Americans. I've immigrated here from India 9 years ago and I've realized I face far more racism when I'm in India then when I'm here in America. I'm of a southern minority in India and we are very dark skinned on average, far darker then the stereotypical Indian on TV. When I left my home state in the south to work in the North I was constantly belittled for my darker skin, discriminated against for my name and made to feel ashamed that I wasn't a vegetarian like the vast majority of the North is. I also spoke Hindi with a heavy accent (we speak different languages down south) and was ridiculed for it but I speak English with an accent as well and never faced ridicule from my American Colleagues. I'm far happier here and have made far better friends here then I ever did in North India. I think the racism in America thing is blown out of proportion, theres some racism here but its a haven compared to far more racist countries like India.
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self.offmychest
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I don't know who I am I feel like I've lost myself or any sort of personality I might've once had to depression. I have no real distinctive qualities or skills, and it feels too late to develop them, even if, realistically, it's not, I can never bring myself to work on something or care for something I do. I'm just dull.
I don't want to blame my parents for this, I love them very much, but from a young age I was never allowed to have an identity or persue the things I think I would've liked, I had to look how they wanted me to, have the things they wanted me to, do what they wanted me to etc. And now that I've reached the age where I have a bit of freedom with who I can be, but not fully as I do still live with them, I'm just lost.
I don't feel like somebody, I feel like a completely empty and hollow shell that lives life day by day and holds no redeemable qualities. I am starting medication again in hopes that I can be more productive and find something I enjoy or something to define me, but I know I lack the motivation to right now and I fear I'll never get this motivation back.
I know the whole 'I'm just an empty shell of a person' sounds corny and dramatic, but that's essentially what I am. And I feel bad for the few people who interact with me on a regular basis because I have nothing to offer them and I probably never will.
I'm just tired.
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self.depression
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My doctor reduced my lithium dosage. i've had awful experiences with withdrawal before, and now i'm having a panic attack as i start to feel the symptoms roll in Fuck knows where the line is between the natural withdrawal symptoms and acute panic, but I know right now I'm feeling increasingly more and more distressed. I can't stop sweating, I'm hot, I'm shaking, and it feels like i have ants inside my bones.
I don't have much to say here. Just that I'm in hell right now, and I would give anything just to hear from somebody that I'm gonna be okay.
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self.Anxiety
|
Im tired of seeing other peoples’ happiness I just feel like my life is in such shambles. I’ve got no plans or goals. Nothing seems to make me happy. None of my hobbies or passions interest me. I don’t even know why I bother to wake up in the morning or why I bother to go to work. I feel like I’m living my life on auto-pilot mode... just doing the bare minimum, and not finding anything worth living for.
Because there isn’t anything worth living for.
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self.depression
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Beating depression isn’t about facing and heroically vanquishing your demons. Most of the time it’s about learning how to coexist with them.
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self.depression
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The person I talked to the most this year is my hairdresser(once a month). Second one is the cashier...
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self.depression
|
I always get extremely melancholic on December 31st I get this extremely sad feeling, asking myself if I am really happy. I reflect on the past year, and on the things that passed. NYE feels like a binary switch between a cosy Christmas holiday and a cold winter period that lasts until March.
Is there anyone here that recognizes this feeling?
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self.depression
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Episodic depression or am I bipolar My family seems to be doing the "everyone" gets depressed card but man I don't wanna tell them about my adderall induced psychosis or suicidal thoughts, it's just one day I'm happy then one day im just a freak.
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self.depression
|
I'm going to kill myself on my birthday I had a pretty good childhood. Middle class parents, wasn't abused or anything like that, no mental disorders (except depression, but I feel like most people have depression nowadays and some are just better at hiding it), able-bodied, no trauma, etc. Graduated from a prestigous uni. So no excuses. Too bad I'm a worthless piece of shit. Every time it feels like things are looking up, life finds a way to remind me of that fact. I don't even feel qualified to be depressed, because there is literally nothing wrong with my life except myself. God, if there is a God, gave me everything a person could need to be a functional member of society, and I fucked it up. I know one of the common anti-suicide arguments is "think of your family" but I also know, objectively, that they will have a better life without me. So I'm going to do it for them, even if they won't like it.
The only thing that worries me is a) even messing that up and becoming a vegetable or something and sticking my parents with the bill or b) chickening out halfway, calling 911 or something and then sticking my parents with the bill lol.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I got to tell my ex off last night and it felt good [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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Bad habits form when you’re just trying to get through a bad day, but unintentionally causing other bad days because of those bad habits I just feel like this is me today...
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self.Anxiety
|
so i wrote a poem. does anyone relate? bipolar is not sudden anger
i am not dangerous
bipolar is not being volatile
i am not crazy
bipolar is the ebb and flow of everything
it is the sound and the silence
the water and the stone
the something and the nothing
bipolar does not exist as a fault
it is not an illness or something to be fixed
but it is not a gift either
bipolar is a trait, its in your dna
passed down from parent to child
it is a family secret, a family shame
no one likes to talk about it
but it is there
first there are the good things
a goal, a drive, a hunger
sleep is not necessary
food is not necessary
(i am not necessary)
there is the beginning
the depression is starting
the hurting, the numbness
the sadness, the nothing
sometimes it all happens at once
the sadness and nothingness and numbness and hunger
remember what used to make you feel good?
do it, do it more, you dont feel anything yet, you have to do it more
this used to make you feel good
you you you
you are unnecessary
you are not needed
you do not serve a purpose
and you are motivated
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self.bipolar
|
It's all just a circle. Remember that time I USED to be suicidal? Well hello darkness my old friend... Whenever I try to find a grey area and settle there, some situations drags me away. Life swings between these extremes. And we survive by finding the spot in between that's right for us. It takes strength to stay there. Consistent effort. I will be honest I tried. And I learnt that I need much more strength just to keep myself on track.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
My girlfriend is depressed, how do i help her? My GF (19 F) and me (19 M) have been together for one year now.
For the last 3 months, she has made it clear that she feels sad a lot, has really bad anxiety and these feelings seem to be surrounding me also.
She feels sad when she is enjoying herself with me, because she's so unsure of herself right now that she doesn't even know if she loves me.
We have talked about all the options, and obviously if i am making her depressed then i would leave, but she doesn't know if its me, and now everytime she sees me she does feel happy initially, because she missed me, and is glad im there, but after a while she will begin feeling sad again because she doesn't know why it is happening.
We have so much fun together, even in the last 3 months, we will joke about how much fun we can have even though she is depressed. But the feeling is always there for her, and initially it was me coming to see her that would help the most, but now she thinks it is surrounding me the most.
Is it possible for me to help her more? We have decided to see each other way less, but it has started to make me very sad because i miss her, she has said she still loves me so much, and that she just wished it would all go away so she could be with me again.
What can we do, because it has started to make me very sad as well, i really just want my best friend back, and she feels the same.
What can we do a :(
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self.depression
|
I‘m worthless and want to end it I hate myself so much. All those people who bullied me were right, I‘m worthless and deserve to die. I am a disappointment for my parents, I still live at home with 20. While other guys my age brought their glrlfriends home, I sat alone in my bedroom watching movies and writing on a story I‘ll never finish.
I have no redeeming qualities. I am ugly, I am short being only 5‘9 tall.
The only thing that kept me from killing myself was my best friend, but he will do better without me, at least then he doesn‘t have to say that he is friends with a loser.
Goodbye
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Dealing with Obsessive Thoughts Well, I went on and came off of a new medication pretty quick - it fucked me up something fierce and I had a bunch of panic attacks. I'll be trying something new after a big work project this week, but I need to be closer to stable to get this done.
I had started the medication due to intrusive thoughts - things that I knew were wrong, and I was railing against it the whole time, but tired.
Coming off of the new medication, the intrusive thoughts are gone but now I've got obsessive thoughts. Nothing bad, but certainly damaging. About a friend of a friend, obsessive thoughts about a relationship with him. And I know it's ridiculous, but I'm having trouble pushing them out. Especially because for a little while there it seemed like my friend was frothing at the mouth to see us get together.
It's near-constant for the past 5 days or so. I'm having trouble. I see my psychiatrist tomorrow to change my meds. I'll talk to her about this too but what do you do when this happens? It's not even *bad* thoughts, and I think that makes it more difficult. It's nice to imagine it, it makes me feel happy. But I *know* it's wrong.
Edit: Now that I think about it, the idea has been in my head longer than that, maybe a week longer, triggered by a good dream in the midst of a bunch of anxiety dreams.
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self.bipolar
|
My story. Link: Gonna suicid
Text: Because the darkweb scammed me out of 0.5 btc(my life savings) thank you reddit hidden wiki for this.
Just thought id let everyone know never trust reddit or what they say so now im going to kill myself thanks to their scams. Bye
This submission was removed because it mentioned killing or suicide. Please review our rules for posting to DarkNetMarkets.
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.
How reddit is the source of my suicide and they even wont let you say that on the exact subreddit that robbed me of all, goodbye life ruining cunts
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anxiety attack I'm having an anxiety attack and can't voice it to anyone bc I am always having issues and don't want to be overbearing. I also know that if I tell someone they will just say "what's wrong?"- I don't know how to respond to this question. Everything feels wrong but yet I can't pin point one thing. It just feels like my mind is going a million miles a minute and I want it to stop.
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self.Anxiety
|
Unless you live or are close to me you will NEVER understand! I finally found out why my husband has been on edge for the past 2 weeks. He spoke with someone who we don’t know too well, but we socialize with them occasionally. It took 2 long weeks to get it out of him because it really bothered him but he didn’t want to tell me because I have self esteem issues, and being bipolar I’m very fragile still sadly
Well, first off I guess because he worked in a hospital,his opinion, bipolar disorder is an overprescribed, over medicated illness. Also I use therapy as a crutch, and maybe I don’t need my medication. Also I guess our marriage isn’t right, according to someone. Also I don’t dress appropriately...yeah
It is a load of crap. I was diagnosed almost 5 years ago. Before then I was a raging, rapid cycling psycho. We’ve been married almost 9 years, my husband has seen me at my worst cowering in a corner, crying because “the voices” wanted to kill me. I have been unable to leave the house due to anxiety, I’ve wanted to drive off a cliff and end it all. I have if not controlled bad anger I’ve hit my husband, thrown things, broke things got crazy manic and spent tons of our money. We’ve been close to divorce my diagnosis saved our marriage.
We knew we were facing an uphill battle, I had an unplanned pregnancy, after my diagnosis. I was hospitalized after she was born at 3 months my postpartum depression turned into psychosis. I saw myself dropping my daughter, the voices were strong and mean.
I found my therapist almost 4 years ago during outpatient care, he is a Christian like me, he has helped me curb my anger, my spending, and moving past the molestation that happened when I was 10-11 and the abuse by an ex boyfriend. We have long term goals, and my husband notices how much better I’m doing. I can be a mom on good days, my mom in law lives with me she’s a saint, I couldn’t do it without her.
I had to give my family unofficial custody of my daughter during my hospitalization, I don’t want to go back there again. My bipolar disorder is type 1 rapid cycle, with psychotic features. Medicine helps so much! I’m only on 2, one for the bipolar disorder and one for the anxiety. Right now I’m doing ok. Not the best but trying. This last week was a challenge, I’ve been hypomanic and it makes me think I’m better than others.
I hate being so fragile but I cannot stand those opinions of those who are not my care team or my family. Until you live with mental illness you have no idea! This is Hell I worry my daughter will end up with it, I know my grandma was bipolar but undiagnosed.
I just don’t want to ever go back to those dark days and I pray I don’t have to deal with it again. Sorry to rant but I’m tired of uneducated opinions!
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self.bipolar
|
I tried to kill myself last year. I posted this as a reply to someone. I felt like maybe I should share as it's own post as well because tonight isn't a very good night for me. Writing this was a little therapeutic because I haven't told the story before.
I put a handful if pills in my stomach a little over a year ago. I asked my mom for something to help me sleep knowing she'd give me something quite powerful. She asked if I was OK and I lied. I told her I was just having trouble sleeping and it was starting to really affect me negatively. I went back home; I was living with friends at the time. I didn't want them to find me dead on the couch when they got up for work so I went for a long walk by the river. I was talking to my kids' mom the whole time, arguing mostly. I told her I was better off dead and that this would be the last time she'd talk to me. I said goodbye to the one person I wanted to say anything to. I put the whole bottle of pills in my mouth and swallowed them dry. It kinda hurt. I turned my phone off and threw the bottle in the tree line. I walked a while and I don't remember going back to the house. She called the police and they found me passed out on the front steps. I don't remember walking home, I don't remember turning my phone back on and typing jibberish and sending it. But I do remember a feeling of regret, but somehow an overwhelming sense of calm. I was afraid but I felt so ready. I woke up in a hospital bed with my mom next to me. Shortly after I got a barrage of questions from doctors. I tried to play it off like it was an accident but everyone knew, I know that. Here I am a little over a year later. The same problems I wanted to end my life over are still here, even more so. I think about that night everyday. I think about it more than once everyday. There's times I wanna try again, there's a lot of times I don't and I feel crazy for thinking it. I feel as low tonight as I did that night and I felt the need to share. I'm going to wake up tomorrow, you should to.
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self.SuicideWatch
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DAE feel like no matter what you do you’ll always end up disappointing people. [deleted]
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self.depression
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Misery goes on I hurt the person I love the most , I feel guilty as I should.
I decided for myself a long time ago, that if I lose this person, then I will kill myself
Because I have nothing left to live for without this person.
Right now it seems like he wants to leave me, and I can't blame him ...
I feel like I deserve to die, wether he leaves me or not, because I have caused him too much pain
Love lasts for such a short time, but misery goes on and on ...
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self.SuicideWatch
|
About to exit, thought i would share my life story w you. Im 23 years old and about to end it all very soon, just want your opinion on my life.
I was born in mexico in a desertic city, my parents were 24 when they came over here, they decided to reside in another crappy desert city: Phoenix, AZ FML right. My parents worked their assess off their whole life. They both had 2 full time jobs working pretty crappy jobs, i was baby sat by my aunt who already lived in Phoenix, they had kids who were much older (i was about 4 when most of them were 16ish) they were buttholes. My aunt took care of other random kids as well, my cousins would do weird messed up things to us like show us porn, disguise us as the opposite sex, force us to drink hot sauce, bring home a bunch of food and tell us we couldn't have any, tell us our parents died in a car crash and would never come back, etc. One of them was a cokehead and had random outbursts but we never got hurt physically from what i can remember. After several years i told my parents of this and decided to switch me to another school which was about 1 mile from my house. (At this point in my life I'm in 2nd grade). My parents were always paranoid being illegal and whatnot so being on the streets at this time back in 2002 in phoenix was risky. They sat me down and told me i would have to walk to school by myself in the mornings and when i returned home i would be alone for several hours. They for some reason made it weird and awkward to have friends, i remember asking my mom if i could sleep over at friends house (3rd grade i think) her reply was no bc what if their uncle rapes you at night, or the house burns down. I pretty much stopped asking her to even go over to a friends house. I would wake up go to school , come back and be alone for several hours sometimes up to about 6pm. this went on from like 3rd grade- 7th grade. I don't remember much just a lot of masturbating and watching tv and cartoons. The early sexuality was probably my cousins showing us porn that early of an age. The shitiness starts around 7th grade. It came out of nowhere, it was a feeling that i could not explain, i felt like no one around me was real and i was part of some project that "controlled me" (as i would describe it). I could not sleep at night as it was intense anxiety (later found out it was extreme panic attacks, but at 13 i didn't know this). That summer sucked i was paranoid of everyone around me, didn't feel like i was real. there was a a point where i literally thought i "worked for the devil" what this meant i don't know to this day. I felt like i was possessed. I felt the urge to say something negative about someone in my head otherwise my balls would itch. (figuritevly). I eventually found out this was something like OCD. Up to this in my story it is 2007 or somewhere around 13 years old or so. The panic attacks eventually started disappearing, but would come back recurrently, keep in mind i did tell my parents the but was brushed off as teenage stuff. I always found it extremely hard to make friends, even harder to keep them. It is now high school freshman year and don't understand crap around me, I'm a smart person but just didn't really understand people. I tried buying the "cool clothes" to fit in, even started acting like someone different, and i fucking hated it. At this point I'm still paranoid to hang out at a friends house bc of fear of parents answer (this was a lack of balls on my part). Sophomore year i was making progress panic attacks have been gone, getting taller about 6ft, getting a few girls...awesome life is great, ( i guess this is a really random part in the story to mention that 98% of my family lives in mexico, and us not being able to visit them, they would Sometimes come visit us...complain about how depressing phoenix was and then leave, and the only cousins we had were the buttonhole ones, and being illegal we couldn't leave the shithole phoenix arizona). Anyway back to sophomore yr. The year ended, still a virgin, its all good i thought 2 more years. (also good to mention my dad owned a landscaping business from like 2005-present day, and in the summers was forced to work with him from like 6am - 4pm in 113 degree plus weather with one lunch break. He wasn't dong it in an asshole way just a way of showing us "discipline" during these times i wondered what everyone else was doing making friends for a lifetime, smoking weed, making memories, going to movies, etc. Working in desert 6 days a week sucked ass. so those were my summers from like 6th grade to like 9th grade by being forced , and 12th grade - beyond by choice.) In the summer of 2011 or about to become a junior, my face and body explodes in acne. My face literally exploded (i have a pic of when i was in 11th grade and it literally surpasses the funny zone, and goes straight into "wow may god help him" stage lol) i tried everything from proactive to accutane, to antibiotics but my face just kept exploding, i shit you guys not i would go to sleep and wake up to feel about 4 new pimples everyday. Kept a face chart with the numbers of pimples i had (i wish they were cute little whiteheads, but they were hard medium cysts.) anyway the face chart had the number of pimples i had that week. I remember it was about 17 on my right cheek, 18 on my left, 4 on my nose, 4 on my forehead, and 3 on my chin at one point. i was depressed as fudge. nothing was working, i went back to school and was unrecognizable, all the girls that once talked to me looked at me in a "poor guy" type of way. I would hide in the bathroom stall at lunch everyday. Keep in mind my chest, and back is breaking out like crazy as well (i wish it was like the breaking out you see in proactive commercials but no this was intense otherworldly shit). Fast forward to 2013 i graduate high school. virgin, never kissed a girl in my life, and have about 1 friend including my brother who is 6 years younger than me. I finally get some laser treatments on my face after graduating high school, 3 co2 procedures to be exact, they hurt like hell no one should be going through this at age 18. They helped somewhat. Acne in the face completely stopped around late 2014 up to this date i get about one tiny pimple every month or so. it is now 2015 i have deep scars on my face but somehow manage to get girls somehow, (btw my acne scarring is bad; like its not tiny brown marks like on google images they are deep holes, like if you literally google severe acne scars, mine are worse) anyway I'm still a virgin, pay an escort, yea not a virgin anymore. Somehow i still manage to get pretty attractive girls to flirt with me and touch me at school. the closest was this one girl i met in community college shows a hipster yoga type, we texted a lot, hung out at lunch, flirted etc. she ended up moving away dont know what is of her to this day, her name was melissa. it is now around mid 2015 i go to cna school and start working out, people on chatroulete would tell me i was hot, etc, but i stood kinda far from camera as to not show scars. (i guess from a few feet away I'm like pretty fucking attractive, but up close you see all the deep scars idk, i also manage to get a pretty cool body since starting working out, I'm about 6ft, 180lbs can bench like 215 at that point.i had a big butt, like it was big; girls would tell me. anyway I'm in can school at this point i meet another chick by name of tay, we flirt a lot, she even touched my junk a few times, anyway nothing came out of that she ended up being a les. Keep in mind my back and chest are breaking out like crazy.Had a job as a waiter at the cheesecake factory i remember one time i walked in and some guy was like "hey its freddy kreuger", i really don't know if i just walked in at the precise moment as someone was talking about the movie or if they were talking about me, thats the only time in my life i got "bullied". Anyway its now 2016 i go to nursing school i get the attention of maybe one or two girls. Im doing awesome in school, still working out like crazy, still illegal and can't go to other countries, still somewhat depressed about scars, anyway fast forward to 2017 for some reason my chest and back acne are getting worse. like 90% of my back is covered in cysts, and my chest literally looks like someone burned me with an iron, bc of the scars (imagine dwight from the walking dead how half his face is burned, thats what my chest looked like bc of the scars, acne still somewhat active.) I start talking to this girl from school she for some reason ended up disappearing for a semester but she came back and was now a step behind me in academics, same school, same life goals, etc. Anyway we start hanging out i can tell we are really into each other we have a loooot in common, she was about 6 years older tho, didn't really mind. After maybe a month of hanging out we make it official bf and gf. Nursing school makes it hard for us to see each other since our schedules are different, and nursing school is busy. Anyway its the start of 2018 and we start getting more serious doing more things, etc. She asks me to the my shirt off, i freeze and in my head I'm like "oh fuuuckk" i make up a stupid excuse which was that i was hairy and hated taking my shirt off, she said its all good "whatever made me comfortable". I decide to do something very serious for all theses scars on my face and body, i go to a dermatologist and take my shirt off his response was "holy fuck dude, you got a fuckload of scars" yes this was a doctor. anyway that hurt like fucking hell. So i was like "yea i know what can we do?" his response; well this is the worst case of acne and acne scarring i have ever seen, your back and chest will never go back to how it was. this also hurt like a fucking ton of bricks. (in the back of my mind i always thought there was a laser that i could get and perhaps only need 2 sessions and my back would be decent, but no it turns out skin is much harder than that) anyway i pay $2,000, for a session of lasers ONLY for my entire back. they hurt like hell, and i do mean fucking hell. my back was numbed for an hour, then she did a few layers with one machine called an intracel, which is micro needling with radio frequency piercing about 2.0mm into your skin (idea is to stimulate collagen,etc) followed by another laser called sciton halo, which i can only describe as a mini blowtorch peeling away a layer of your skin. Whole procedure took about 5-6 hours (i literally wished i was legless, i was shaking in pain during procedure) even doc said that this one procedure would MAYBE give me a 30% improvement in the active acne and in the red blotches of holes that i had, i took that chance anyway. Meanwhile i land a job that pays fucking awesome for me not doing much, i work full time, at this point i break up with my gf , bc i figured she was gong to see me shirtless eventually and was going to be disgusted with me, i could already tell she was somewhat disgusted with my face, (maybe, perhaps not, she was nice, and she was gorgeous, she was like no other girl i had ever met).I break up with her before i end up getting hurt even worse, she seems to not mind that much when i broke it off with her (ill never know). At this point i decide to drop out of school a few months shy of becoming an RN to "fix my scars" (bc nursing school was busy and i didn't have time to make a decent term appointment) it is now february 2018. I gave up hope that anything will fade my scars on my body and face since i start talking to people on forums such as acne.org and they tell me they have spent thousands of dollars and time, to only receive about a 40% improvement in scars. My back and chest are annihilated ( always hated spelling that word, its difficult). 3 months go by and literally no improvement in my back from that torturous procedure i had done on my ENTIRE BACK. Ive been on strong antibiotics, and will not go back on accutane since it didn't work the first time. I gave up hope that anybody will like me for who i am, may sound like i am exaggerating but my back and chest are fucking disgusting. One procedure i had done on my face left my face a tad bit worse than it was. and i see my gf posting stuff on snap that isn't necessarily saying she found someone new but its getting there. I work in the medical field and have found a perfect opportunity recently to end it all. Apart form the acne which ate a whole chunk of my life, i feel like i was always different like i didn't understand why people danced, how people could be happy, i never understood why try to get a job if literally nothing matters, you and me are but a speck of dust in a misundertood, and unexplored universe which could pretty much be a tigers dream in another dimension. I always believed jobs and money were only invented to distract us from the fact that we are but a lonely fart that is 1/10000th of a millisecond long. I could never explain how people have such clear skin, i literally saw this one guy once in tucson, az he was super high on an opiate i presume, anyway he was laying in his own piss n a dirty ass bathroom, while his reparations were like 5/minute, he was probably like 19, the only thing i could think of was how in the bejesus was his skin so clear? he is rolling in his own piss, and he is dusty, meanwhile I'm over here wasting hundred on high grade meds and topicals and my body hates me, I've never done drugs, never smoked, never drank, literally the only thing i drink is water and organic crap so my diet is on fucking point, yet my body fucking hates me. I literally have never seen anyone with skin like mine, only one guy on acne.org who's entire body kinda looked like mine, but he ended up disappearing from the forum. feel like no one understands what it is like, making eye contact is fucking hell, how am i going to get a girl if i can't even take my shirt off? Ive never been swimming it looks fun. o yea and folliculitis keeps running down my arms. literally have no friends, my best friend is my 16 year old brother and i love him to death, he reminds me of me i can literally feel the depression in his soul, he is never amused by anything and it seems like he is lost, maybe it was genetic, maybe we are missing something in our brains that is also linked to extreme acne, he does not have acne though and i hope he never gets it, at his age i was already being consumed by that godforsaken bacteria: p. acnes.I literally wish could trade my legs or my arms for the disease, only bc my case is extremely bad and i don't wish it on anybody. Peace out eveyone, let me know what you think of my life ...if i get around to reading it.
I WANT TO GIVE YOU GUYS AN IDEA OF WHAT IM DEALING W:
IM TOO SELF CONSCIOUS TO POST A PIC OF MY CHEST AND BACK BUT ATTACHED THE CLOSEST MOST SIMILIAR THING COULD FIND ON GOOGLE IMAGES, AGAIN THE PICS OF BACK AND CHEST ARE NOT ME, THE FACE PIC IS ME.
https://static.acne.org/ipb_uploads/monthly_2015_12/image.thumb.jpeg.11c0a9f0b6d096a7608ca4bbab23c77a.jpeg
http://www.health911.com/files/3487184/uploaded/Acne%20-%20cystic.jpg
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self.SuicideWatch
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I gathered courage and went to psychiatrist I went to doc and told him that i think i am bipolar and been depressed a lot and he prescribed
Clonazepam
And
Sertraline
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self.bipolar
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What are some of your suggestions for natural anxiety supplements? I'm looking to help my moderate work anxiety, especially right at the beginning of my 12hr shift. Any suggestions bfor herbal or other anxiety reducing remedies?
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self.Anxiety
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I'm tired of trying. All I have done is fuck up [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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When someone "Helps" you but ends up just making it worse. I couldn't take my car to the service centre. I was too anxious l about the drive. I asked my fiancé to reschedule and take it. So he booked my car and his at the same time and said "you can take yours and I'll take mine!" mines overdue and his isn't yet. That's the exact same result except now I have to have him watch me drive it there. Then I get a confirmation for his car and not mine. Wait, did he cancel my service? So the car I was stressing over is now super overdue and his is early?
Two outcomes, either I have to drive it there like I didn't want to, or there's no service scheduled at all!!
He only made me more anxious and doesn't even understand!
Does he even listen to me?!?!?
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self.Anxiety
|
Craving touch Do you ever just crave being touched? Doesn't even have to be sexual. Just being held by someone and shit just being ok for a little bit. Married and hubs lives otherside of the country for the next year or two for work and I'd never cheat on him. But fuck does it put me in a low place knowing that I'm basically alone and in chains just because I'm married. Sorry for the shitpost mini-vent..
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self.depression
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Is being petty a part of bipolar behavior? My bipolar ex is now texting me out of the blue about the most petty stuff after being NC for over a month. Is this normal?
I try to be civil but no matter the amount of texts I send her makes her..just stop. They just make her more mad and thus more petty.
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self.bipolar
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My shotgun taunts me. This gun haunts my mind. I can't seem to get it out of my head. Any free time I have in school, I fantasize about putting the cold barrel into my mouth and pulling that trigger. I really want to load and feel the sweet release of death.
My life has come to nothing. Thinking about my future, I'm afraid of what will happen...
I can't take care of myself, and I seem to screw everything up. I have no real reason to live anymore. What is the point?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Break-up to work on self I tried searching the archives, but found a lot of older posts on SOs breaking it off due to stress.
I’m recently diagnosed, in therapy and still working on getting the meds right. I have a SO, but I’m really feeling like I need to be alone to work on myself right now - I don’t think I can be a good SO.
I can’t have sex, I am still all over the place with my moods and acceptance of/working with of said moods, and I still want lots of time to myself to work on my workbooks and stuff. I’m not drinking at all, which is something we used to do together all the time. On top of that, my stupid hypersensitivity issues (probably from anxiety) - he makes a lot jaw-cracking and teeth chattering noises that I can’t ignore as well anymore due to no booze. I *really* need to focus on getting well or to a place of relative stability. I’m just not there right now.
Has anyone else done this or felt this way before? I’m planning on discussing in therapy, but my next session is on Nov 10th, so I’m kind of stuck until then.
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self.bipolar
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I've been feeling a lot better lately I didn't have the best high school experience. I moved schools a couple times because I never really felt truly comfortable or happy at any of them. I didn't manage to form a lot of friendships either; most of the friends I have now are the people I've grown up with and known since we were in preschool.
I started college two years back in a foreign country and had a horrible time. Disrespectful roommates, the feeling of being forced to go to school even though I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life, having to adjust culturally, having to adjust to new systems, being away from home - all of it made me feel even worse. I decided to take a few months off school and see a doctor. I was given a few different pills to try. It's been about six months since then and I can honestly say I haven't felt happier and more hopeful about my life in a long time. I'm not exactly sure if it's the medicine, or being away from school and having more free time, but I really feel like I can start my life again. Just wanted to share this. A few weeks ago I would wake up in the mornings wishing I died in my sleep, but now I'm better.
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self.depression
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How to overcome laziness? I haven’t been to school for 2 months straight, and whenever I pick up the courage to go for a lecture I end up having second thoughts before leaving my house and if I end up going I always hear stuff like oh you look so depressed or aw why are you so sad. Which annoys me because I don’t want anyone to interact with me when I’m in this state especially with pity. I’m not a shy person in general and I’m not afraid to speak up or walk around with my head up high but depression unfortunately is giving me ridiculous anxiety and I sweat a ton when the thought of getting my sh*t together and going to school/work/practice cross my mind.
*Tragic* things have happened to me during this past year and still are during this year. Though this is no excuse for me to have over 70% absence so what i’m coming up with here is laziness.
I can’t fail another year or I’ll get kicked out of _IB_ and due to my circumstances IB is the only program that is available. So basically i’ll have no where to go. You see how serious this is?
To be frank with you, I’m not a fighter; I see a problem, I run away like a coward. When my father first stated that I’m not a fighter I utterly laughed in denial but as it went on I realized he was right and I’m not sure if that’s something I could really change.
~excuse me if i’m posting this in the wrong place.
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self.depression
|
Feeling alone, just wanna run away from everything. Hello to the community,
I feel like I’m lost and alone that no one can help me.
It started when I was around 15 and now I’m 20.
I can’t sleep at the night, my head is so full of think everything and nothing at the same time. I just wanna run away from everything from everybody.
I don’t have Plans for my future job, I’m studying at a college and don’t even know what to do after that.
I just want everything to end..
I also have moments of stress where I just feel like I’m passing out and the doctor don’t find anything.
What am I supposed to do ?
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self.depression
|
Sick day? I can't stand my work. I just want to see my boyfriend. I haven't been sleeping well, my back hurts. How bad is it if I call in sick tomorrow night?
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self.depression
|
I really need advice. I hope someone can help. [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Can a panic attack cause bulging veins / blue hands? Since yesterday, I've noticed that my the veins in hands have been becoming more prominent or possibly "bulging", which causes my hands to look green/blue. Is this normal with anxiety and stress? I can find surprisingly few resources online about this symptom.
(If it matters: I have been having panic attacks every day for the past three months or so.)
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self.Anxiety
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I've started self harming It's been a few weeks since I started lightly cutting just below my wrist now. It's starting to become a habit and it's starting to become something I look forward to after work each day. Lately I've been cutting deeper and trying to produce more visible scars. I'm fucked aren't I?
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self.depression
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Anxiety about work & corporate ladder Im very spiritual and very conflicted on staying happy and having a corporate respected job that ive worked so hard to achieve. I just want to do things that make me happy. Living in NYC everywhere ive worked everyone is absolutely miserable and takes heavy drugs or heavy drinking to cope with it. Ive worked so hard to get to where i am but i feel just in a corporate ladder trap to being miserable forever.
I feel if i just save money & take 6 months off people will judge me and my whole family will bother me.
Just having anxiety about where i should work without being miserable and surrounded by people that are miserable
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self.Anxiety
|
How Long Does it Take For Dosage Increase To Take Effect? I went to my doctor about a week and a half ago because I believed my medication was too low of a dosage (it was working then it kinda just stopped working). He increased my dosage to 10mg of Lexapro a day instead of 5mg. It's been a week and a half and I haven't noticed any real difference (some days are worse than others) and was wondering how long I should wait before going back to the doctor. I was told when I started taking medication it may take a while for it to kick in but I forgot to ask how long it would take for the increased dosage to kick in, would it be a similar time frame? Thanks for any advice.
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self.Anxiety
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suffering grades bc of bipolar/ADHD My grades throughout college have been mediocre and I wish it wasn't because of how much bipolar/untreated ADHD has affected me. It was hard to get diagnosed in the middle of a semester and then worry about medication working and changing it since then. I'm planning on applying to law schools next year and know they're going to look at my measly 3.0 and reject me instantly. Just really upsets me knowing I could be doing better but seriously can't do anything about it.
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self.bipolar
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Anyone else just stop planning for the future because you don’t plan to make it that far? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
I'm not going to go into work tomorrow but instead jump off a bridge I'm really fed up of life and having got nowhere at 24 years of age. No skills, no life, no girlfriend, virgin, fat and shit job I hate with parents that dont give a shit about me.
Why should I continue to be around with no purpose. Things wont change they never have. People have told me that it will all get better and because bad things have happened it doesn't mean they always will. I call bullshit on that because my whole life has been a bad thing.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Anyone know the feeling of having a conversation with someone and while talking you realize there is no point to even talking at all everything is pointless [deleted]
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self.depression
|
2017 my life turned upside down. Been with a girl since middle school. In January I decided to go to college and came home every weekend to see her. Summer came finally I could actually be home and with her but she left me at the beginning of summer saying she had been talking to someone at work. Didn't want to give it a 2nd chance. 7 years down the drain. I even transferred to a school I could stay at home and go to to make it work. I started going out partying. Smoking drinking popping xanax to numb the pain. I eventually got out of that realizing it's only damaging me more. I started to feel the constant thoughts and pain beginning to fade away a little. We texted again for around 2 weeks in which she told me she's lonely, depressed, and wanted someone to love her. I asked her to dinner after the 2 weeks and she said no she only wants a "virtual friendship" told her I'm not going to be there for her and just be her "virtual friend" to help her thru her pain when she literally destroyed me. Well this Thursday I see she's in another relationship already only a week after that incident. So went out to drink. Well the night ended in me crashing my car at 100mph and rolling it multiple times. Totaled my car. Got DWI, minor in possession, and careless and prohibited driving. Ruining my life just to numb the pain from this.. having to drop out of school to pay for everything coming. I'm just so tired. Lucky to be alive from it but.. idk if I want to.
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self.depression
|
The upsides of bipolar? Little background, I am 25, male, and recently diagnosed with Bipolar I disorder(7 months ago). I have had 3 manic episodes that have landed me in hospitalization. I recently discovered this subreddit and its amazing how relatable it is to me in almost every post I read.
Currently I am struggling with finding “the upsides” to this disorder. I have been looking online for uplifting ideas/thoughts on Bipolar, but most of what I have found is just doctors talking about how “there is not one ‘benifit’ to this disorder; it just adds a burden”.
I was hoping for a little bit of some sort of “bright side”that I am missing. I am having a hard time coming to terms with being Bipolar. I was hoping to hear from anyone who has also dealt with this Disease or similar one, if it got easier to deal with, or manage. I feel like I am lacking something and am less of a person now.
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self.bipolar
|
I don't feel like my relationships help with my depression at all I see a lot of posts here about people talking about if they could only find someone that it would cure or at least alleviate their depression. I just want to let those people know that is not the case. I've been engaged for a year but my depression has honestly never felt worse than this. I just want to be alone all the time but I also don't. I want to reach out to people to talk about this stuff but I just don't have the willpower or the energy
|
self.depression
|
Why do I still think about you every single day? [deleted]
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self.offmychest
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