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How do you behave normally when you feel like dying...? This week has been especially hard on my depression. Today is the worst. I'm having difficulty trying to find energy to go by my day, even the most mundane tasks are difficult, I feel like crawling into my bed and just sleep for days.
And the thing is, I don't have a big problem to feel this bad about, what nelas me feel stupid to be like this.
I'm waiting for a student visa to arrive so I can move abroad and finally start my masters, and the waiting is killing me. I have this great thing that is mine but is just out of reach and it feels like I'll never gonna get it. I know this is stupid cause is just a matter of time but, right now, what I feel is that I'm never going, that my choices were wrong and I'm gonna die here, in this city that I hate, alone and frustrated.
And I don't feel like I can talk to anyone about it because this is so stupid is not worthy. And I don't know what to do, how to behave normally and be around other people who are cheering for my success when I feel like a huge failure... and I feel like I have nothing else to give, I feel empty.
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self.depression
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Gambling and methemfetamine addiction I´m just lost I dont know what to do.
I´m typing this here because I dont know who to talk to. over the past years i´ve gambled away thousands of euros. This went along with my methemfetamines addiction. If i didnt have pills, i didnt enjoy gambling. Well i got pills again, in an illegal a-moral way. I decide to quit everytime but once i get close (and i cant not get close) i cant help myself. And when i´ve taken the methemfetamines I want to gamble.
2 weeks ago I used up my own money so I took up the money of our (my fiancee) shared bank account, its not much, about 200 euros but when i came clean to my fiancee the next day she was absolutely heartbroken. You see this happened before, a couple of years back. I came clean then and swore never to do it again. She was very supportive until she found out i wasnt completely honoust, i was 1000 in the red. We survived that financial and relationship crisis and for years i did not gamble. I also quit the methemfetamines then (she does not know i use those) I fell back into my old habits. I came clean about the gambling 2 weeks ago, said it wouldnt happen again. I felt horrible that i hurt her so much. Seriously I was crying like i havent in years. Yet 5 days later by accident i found out my account still could go into the negative balance. which ment i had 500 euros to spent on gambling. which of course i did.
All gone. now i just put 50 euros on my paypall bill and 100 on my phone bill.
I just canceled my account on yet another gambling site. im going to cancel my paypal.
´Man you should tell your fiance´
And i know, partially that that would be the right thing to do. But I cant. I am a changed man from who i was when we met. Every year i see im a better man then the year before. If i tell her now she would leave me and I cant bear the thought of that. She is the biggest support in my live on every account but this she cannot know.
I will quit yet again. I just needed to tell this to someone and i hope someone reads this. I am scared of life, scared that im not going to lead a good life. hurt people. I just cant have this shit anymore
fuck
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self.offmychest
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rash decision making Do you guys have problems with making decisions? Not like, you don't make them but more so that you make them too quickly. Like I'll tell myself one day I'm happy where I am and I don't want to do anything to change it and the next day I think "what if I moved?" and then all of the sudden I'm buying plane tickets?
I know it's a manic thing, but I have this problem even during depressive episodes.
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self.bipolar
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I'm probably going to die by the end of the year What's the fucking point if I'm just going to feel this way for the rest of my life?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Been waiting for treatment for over a month Finally plucked up the courage to go and see the doctor. They told me what I already knew. I have depression, ocd and anxiety. My referral form was even marked as urgent. What makes older people say “there’s such good support these days”. Literally coulda killed myself so many times, don’t know what’s keeping me going at this point. The only times I feel happy is when I’m alone and I can be myself, the rest of the time I just want to die. Not looking for attention or replies, just need to get this off my chest as I have no one to talk to...
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self.SuicideWatch
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My boyfriend thinks I’m bipolar...I don’t really know what to say honestly. Sometimes I get so mad I can’t control the things i say or how i feel. Sometimes I feel like I’m in control of my body and my life and then a couple days go by and it’s like I can’t breathe. I just need someone to talk to.
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self.bipolar
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Never pick a career for pure preassure i have been studying finances for the past 2 years and i was the worst student, i just don't like it at all, only took it becouse my parents said so, now i have reached a point where i don't really care about me or my classes even less about my future, i just want to leave it and grab something i like more.. but god it hurt so much those 2 years that i will never get back, and the incoming criticism i will receive from my family, i just know im not the only one who had that or something like it happend.
i wrote this as a way of beggin for some encouragement as im sure this will be the only one i will ever get
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self.depression
|
depressed people can have fun too! i like to play this game all the time.
it’s called “how long can i get away with not showering before i’m absolutely disgusted with myself”
there are no winners, ever. :D
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self.depression
|
I dont know when I'm allowed to cry? Today was a day unlike any other. I went to my grandma's (mom's mom) funeral. She had been sick all of my life in Alzheimer's, and the last three years she has spent in bedrest. It was her time to go. I cried ofc while they read final goodbyes and told stories of how she was a very happy person before her illness took a turn for the worse. My mom said it's okay, in a caöm voice.
I've had a lot of terrible fits of crying for as long as I can remember. When I was younger I remember how I felt like I was bothering my parents too much and that anytime I felt like crying, and I couödnt explain it, then I shouldn't ask them or anyone for help because I felt it was too needy. Okay maybe not exactly those words, I mean I was 15.
I've done a lot of mistakes since then, that I've wanted to take back but been too afraid to. And I've never told my parents about it. I've just been trapped in that mentality.
When I tried to fix my life, (long story short I picked gymnasium instead of going to two schools at the same time, please don't make me explain) but I was still so afraid and anxious about what people thought, I still didn't call any of parents about it. If this was my choice I wanted to live with it.
What happened around the same time: aforementioned grandmother was already ill, my aunt got diagnosed with ALS and my grand father (Dad's dad) had slowly gotten worse although not as bad as the first two but yea.
I always cried by myself in my bed at night. I lived alone far from my family. I couldn't remember a time when I had felt like myself. I didn't do well in school, or I did average but I didn't try too hard and it was a new school and cause I have anxiety it just made everything worse. I tried to look like I had my shit together for my family. In reality I was living in my own nightmare.
Note: I sometimes lived in calmness, watching TV shows to calm me down because school felt like too much or too embarrassed to ask the guidance counselor for help. I have to give some of the blame to me not being able to kick my ass off my couch/bed and eating enough every day. And not telling a toxic friend I don't like her way of living. A lot of light shed on my personal flaws TBH.
I already had a lot of regrets before that. Even with my supportive parents I hadn't really told them everything about why I stopped taking piano or quit dancing and such. I felt like they didn't know me and I didn't know me and that I was the biggest moron in the world for not being more open with them all my life. This also includes my peers in school. Never had any friends til now but mostly by my own choice, also bullies are kinda a warning sign that trust is hard to find at a young age for a target.
ATM I'm also feeling incredibly stressed. I'm at University, studying a subject I just kind of picked up in gymnasium (that's high school) and it's killing me.
I barely feel like I have ever felt/done what I need to feel/do in the moment and that I've wasted my 21 years on this Earth doing bullshit.
I've been diagnosed with mild depression but I've not gone to see a psychotherapist as often as I might have to? I just never feel ill enough to go or well enough to speak clearly about it. And often when I do I'm usually too calm and say things after I've cried like "but I know it's in the past" which technically is true but that doesn't mean I can't be super sad about it....
I've now been sobbing uncontrollably as my 'other' grandmother (dad's mom) watched me. She got worried and I just blamed the funeral. And that's just part of it. And I feel so selfish RN, writing this.
I don't know what I wanted from this. Maybe clarity maybe a hug. Maybe someone who understands. I want to feel truly happy. Last time' that happened was in 2012, and the reason for that has vanished due to other stuff.
Idek how to make this into a TL; DR: ... Please excuse me for that.
Edit: I've only told my mom about this. She thinks it's sad that I never felt like being honest with them. And that I should see someone about it. I haven't told anyone else in the family about it. Don't know how.
Edit #2 because I shouldn't rant: I also mostly feel numb when things are good. I never was a social person, although I can talk to people I share interests with. I just never feel like I'm about to burst with happiness anymore and I miss that. I stopped asking to go skiing when I felt guilty, I stopped doing anything I liked because it felt selfish. I feel like I've lost a big part of me I never got to discover because I've never tried hard enough to connect with my family in the right way.
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self.Anxiety
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Red Sparrow Triggers Just letting ya know if you are as oblivious as I am since I don't watch tv often that if your family takes you hostage on a surprise movie theater experience to watch Red Sparrow as chosen by another person in the car, and you seriously get triggered by theaters anyway, it's not gonna be a good time. I left the theater multiple times to clear my mind by what I saw. I had no clue the agenda for the day when I got in the car and my mania energy was not cool with sitting for a movie anyway and the chooser of the movie of course chose the highest place ever to sit in total disregard to my foot being in a boot for other medical reasons. Not sure if I will even be able to sleep for the next 4 days because of what I saw. Traumatized. Not even trolling, seriously. Fuck that movie. I love JLaw & know she obvious chose that role for a reason and money but good god, no. Never again. Paranoid out of my fucking mind now.
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self.bipolar
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Am i just a dustbin? Do you ever get feeling that you just exist for the sake of others. All you do is make others' happy and at the same time you are dying from the inside. Everyone just uses you to the point they get addicted to you. Once you stop doing what they need, they throw you away. Literally just throw you away in the dirt. And what if the people who treat you like this are the closest to you? Wouldn't it be obvious that you start hating yourself? And they blame every fucking misery of themselves on your pathetic condition. You start hating yourself, your life to the point you beat yourself. Everyday. Everynight. Every fucking hour. And you just get addicted to the physical pain because you wanna lower you emotional pain. And when you need a cry for help from the people you gave your life to, they just get frustrated, annoyed, show you their backs. Life's a bitch and such people are the biggest snitch.
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self.depression
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[NSFW] Lexapro/escitalopram and decreased libido Has anyone else taking Lexapro experienced a reduced libido or ability to have sex? I can’t shake the feeling that since I started on Lexapro that something is wrong with me in terms of sex drive and function, and just feel like something is broken. What can I do to overcome this? Also, do you think it’s worth asking my doctor to change medications because of this?
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self.Anxiety
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I had a plan for tonight. Then my cat came and groomed my forehead for a bit. Goddamn cats always ruining my plans. Maybe tomorrow.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Adult Being an adult isn’t even fun or anything, so far at 18 it’s just lonely and a lot of time has been spent in my room while everyone else is at college and I’m at community. I have this whole month of break and I’d honestly rather not. It’s too fucking depressing and shit is always going wrong, people get tired of you, you’re worrying about money; why was I ever excited to be “grown up”. The real world is just made to be depressing.
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self.offmychest
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Anybody else miss a year as it ends? I always felt bad when a year ends.Today is 31st of December and on tomorrow a new year will begin.
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self.depression
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Giving up Social Media? Has anyone deactivated your account on Facebook/Instagram or anything of the like to just step away from that mess for a bit? 21 days makes a habit but I don't want to deactivate and people blow up my phone asking where I went and why I stopped posting memes and other things. How long did it last until you reactivated?
I feel guilty because I can't lose those networked connections since childhood, or family I've never met yet. I just know it's time for a unplugged detox in regards to that until I'm in a healthier place in life. I compare my life's journey to others in unhealthy ways. I get jealous of other's accomplishments like babies, marriage, second marriage, college graduation, etc.
Babies is an example, I do not want nor can even fathom a kid at this point in my life. I give props to the mom's & dad's who can handle it right now at my age. I'm almost 25 and feel like I haven't done anything to brag about and I know that's not entirely true, but it's how I feel until I'm on a mood stabilizer again.
Maybe one day I can post about good things going on but until I can find a healthy relationship with social media I'm ready for the break. Just needed to hear if it's a successful thing for others in my situation.
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self.bipolar
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Depressed or just a giant pussy? Sometimes I wonder which one I actually am. I have the symptoms of a depressed person but sometimes I just secretly feel like a pussy all the time who doesn't want to confront what I need to confront.
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self.depression
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What is 12 seconds of intense pain, versus years of intense pain? When you have as much substance abuse issues and mental health issues as me it dosent get any easier, it dosent get better or more tolerable.
And if you think it does, you’re a liar.
People like me belong hanging.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why should i even try to live anymore? There really is no point to my existence. It hurts me, it hurts those around me. Im just a fucking NEET tranny slob with no redeeming qualities. What the fuck is the point
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self.SuicideWatch
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Birthday coming up and I am conflicted I don't know if anyone can relate, but my birthday is coming up and I've been feeling more and more depressed. I don't feel like I deserve a celebration. My friends usually do something for all our birthdays in secret. I know they are planning something, but I sort of don't want it. I honestly don't think I deserve it and I feel like if they tried anything, I would run away in tears.
I wish I could just go no contact for a month and see them again after it has passed, but because we have weekly DnD sessions, I have to see them. I've already left the game for mental health reasons and they still took me back, so I feel guilty doing it again.
I wish there was a way to tell them I don't want to celebrate my birthday because I don't feel like I deserve it, but I can't think of way without sounding ungrateful and pretentious.
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self.depression
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I want the voice in my head to stop being right. Everytime I think I finally landed a relationship thats good it ends. I want that voice to stop being right about how people view me. Everytime I start a relationship I get a little farther only to have balls curbstomped. The worst part about liking your best friend is that you can't go to them about your problems.I hate that feeling. I've ruined another friendship now.I'm not even upset about not being in a romantic relationship with them. I'm more upset that I can't have that relationship with mutt friend again and it's all my fault.There is no one else to blame but myself.
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self.depression
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Should I equate suicidal thoughts with feelings of "if I didn't wake up tomorrow it would be ok?" I haven't had any intention of hurting myself in years, but there are days where I almost feel 100% ok with if I didn't exist tomorrow. I don't want to take action on that or anything, but they invade my mind and stay there.
How much should that worry me and what should I do about it?
Sorry if this is a bad question or if I'm not taking care of this properly I just don't know what to do about it.
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self.depression
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Everything I have attempted to do in life, I have failed [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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Luck with meds that don’t cause weight gain? (also propranolol experiences?) [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
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I dont think i can be genuinely happy for the next 3 years in this college. I have no clear idea what to do with my life. Ive never felt motivated to go to school once. Actually, i might even fail out of college. Can someone just replace my life? Thanks.
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self.depression
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I need to sleep I need to sleep but I don't want to disconnect my earbuds (I have to so I don't get choked to death in my sleep) because I'll be left alone with my thoughts again.
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self.depression
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Why does it seem like everyone BUT me gets to decide I'm not allowed to die?
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self.SuicideWatch
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Escaped an abusive relationship and my heart feels broken. So I finally managed to do it. After giving second chance after second chance to my now ex, after being belittled and beaten and choked and emotionally manipulated for years, then finally planning for a year and a half, I got out safely today with both my pets to a beautiful new apartment. My friends and family are all incredible and supportive.
But I miss him so much and can't help but feel I did him wrong by running. I left him on a good day, when he was being sweet and kind, but I know those days will always cycle back around to the bad ones of living in fear. Still, I feel bereft and lonely for the good things we had and the good parts of him.
I did it. I won. I am safe. My animals are safe. I have an amazing support network and the future is wide open for me.
But it hurts more than I ever thought it could.
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self.offmychest
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Has anyone on hormonal birth control experienced much worse anxiety? I have a panic disorder and have had it nearly my whole life. About two years ago I switched to the copper IUD (non-hormonal) birth control and thinking back have not experienced nearly as intense panic attacks or generalized anxiety for a long time. For other reasons, I had the copper IUD taken out about a month ago and immediately started on nuvaring (hormonal) again, the birth control I had been on previously before this copper IUD.
This month I have had constant, unrelenting anxiety. Panic attacks daily, and I am feeling like I’m getting back to the worst of my anxiety, where I have to shut myself off and stop doing school/work/whatever. I physically can barely get myself out of the house without panicking.
Just wondered if anyone else has experienced this? I’m probably going to take it out and see if the symptoms alleviate at all, but I would like to hear any other experiences!
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self.Anxiety
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From suicidal to (maybe?) hypomanic in a week - advice about my partner? My boyfriend was admitted to psychiatric ward after a breakdowm, he's been getting more depressed for a while and he felt he might kill himself. He's had some really great support from the nurses there, and a great visit from the mental health time, his new medication is agreeing with him, we've agreed to change things in our relationship to help things get better.
That said, I' m worried he might have swung 'too far the other way'. He's chatty, and self-describes as 'giddy/hyper', feeling 'super positive about everything'. He says everything seems unusually beautiful and colours seem vivid. He saw his therapist and says he couldn't stop talking, that his therapist could hardly get a word in, it 'felt like two sessions in one'. We can still hold a conversation like normal, but more upbeat than I've seen him in a year. He has no history of mania.
I have a lot of experience with his other problems: PTSD, dissociation, some psychosis symptoms etc. I just want to be ahead of the curve on this oneDoes this sound like hypomania? Has anyone experienced something like this after hospitalisation? If this is hypomania, what should I be expecting?
I think it's too early to call whether this is bad or not, I just want to be ahead of the curve and get advice from others who might know more than me.
ps. he's on Sertraline 50mg, but he has only taken it for 2 days so far.
Thank you all in advance
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self.depression
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Hi. I have been struggling with depression for almost 10years now. I’m honestly just really tired and just exhausted. Constantly fighting everyday just to “live” has seriously defeated me. I have tried therapists and medications but nothing seems to work. I came to the realization a couple of years ago that my life will inevitably end in suicide, i am now just waiting for the day it happens. I have made my peace with the unavoidable outcome. I am terrified of dying. But it is the only way. I have many plans of how I will do it Just haven’t had the courage to follow through yet.
Now I just want someone to talk to for a while, i’m not sure why but it’s what I need right now. I’d prefer to talk through pm but I might reply to comments i’m not sure to be honest. I might not talk at all. I just need someone to reach out.
(I know that some of the rules say to reply publicly and I will but I am just struggling right now and sometimes publicly is just too embarrassing)
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self.SuicideWatch
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DAE have less anxiety when they're busy? After finishing my first semester of college and taking on a lot of new involvement and responsibilities, I've found that I have pretty much no anxiety at school- I'm constantly with people (normally friends/roommates), and when I'm not I'm learning, studying, socializing, working, or at the gym. There is literally not an hour in the day for me to sit around and worry, whereas at home I'm an only child and have fewer friends so I have entire days to spend worrying, which my brain falls for hook line and sinker.
Is anyone else like this?? I literally thrive on being busy to keep myself sane now!
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self.Anxiety
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Strangers make fun of me I was in Amsterdam not too long ago because I had a very long transit time till my next flight, took the opportunity to go downton.
The whole time I was walking around people would look at me and stifle a laugh and if they were behind me they’d talk about me. There was even one instance where an old man walked past me and said, out loud, “shit, your face is fucking ugly”. These people think speaking in a different language means I don’t undestand but little do they know that I can and it hurt. so much.
It got so bad that I was only in town for 2 hours and had to literally rush back to the airport before I felt like I’d break down.
I don’t know if it matters but I have gained significant weight over the year due to a really bad life event that had happened, and I don’t think I’m that ugly but even if I were it still doesn’t justify why they do what they did.
It really sucked cause I had already planned what I wanted to do in town and only managed to do two things before I had to leave. I’m now at home lying in bed crying over what had happened cause honestly this wasn’t the first time I’ve experienced it, in the same place too. It really is a shame, I always frequent to Amsterdam as a transit destination and have loved it in the past when I was ‘thinner’, received close to zero hate then.
I know that I shouldn’t let it beat me down but it’s hard not to. Words can really hurt... in any languages.
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self.Anxiety
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even when my mind is 'calm', My body still shows effects/symptoms of anxiety. I just joined this sub today, but have had anxiety for the last 10+ years, if not longer. I'm pretty sure it all stems from my childhood from ages 5 and under(several types of abuse, physical, verbal, sexual) however it has gotten worse as i've grown up (now 34). There are days when my head is constantly spinning with thoughts and actual panic attacks happen but EVERY day I feel the symptoms even if I am not actively worried/anxious. By symptoms I mean excessive sweating , heart racing, chest pains, jaw pain from clenching, irritable, insomnia, crazy ass dream, stomach pains and emergency runs to the bathroom.
I have been on SSRI's and SNRI's in the past, none have made me feel better, in fact they heightened my symptoms. I am also prescribed xanax but I hate having to take that due to it's habit forming nature and being numb while it's in my system. Most recently I was prescribed prozac but I really don't want to take it. Don't wanna go down under rabbit hole of symptoms and loosing my sanity.
I have cut out caffeine, try my best to meditate (clearing the mind is hard man!!!!), use essential oils like lavender and when I can afford it (money is hella tight) I take CBD tinctures. BTW that works wonders and without side effects but unfortunately as mentioned above without the insurance covering it I am having issues being able to always have it.
I don't really know the point of this post..... maybe to see if anyone else always has to deal with all these physical symptoms and how they have found relief? Maybe for support? I dunno.... today is a really rough one and to top it off my anxiety has been ruining my relationship of 15 years. Like I said, today is just an extra hard day.
Thanks for reading and any replies/advice you might have.
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self.Anxiety
|
I feel like I only live for other people's benefit When I say that I don't even mean that I'm a helpful person, because really I don't do much. I've struggled with self-worth for most of my adult life and it's reached a point now where I just honestly don't care about what happens to me, present and future. I've communicated that with people, I've been given medication and therapy on top of it. But it doesn't really take it away. I don't even hate myself, I just don't have any motivation to keep going. I just don't want to get out of bed.
But there's a lot of people in my life who tell me they would be sad if I'd died. When I say that I'd like to just get it over with and be done with everything, it's usually the same answer of "I would be devastated if you ever did anything to yourself". And I care deeply for these people who tell me this, but at the same time it's very hopeless in a way. To know that I'm just stuck here, going day by day without wanting it, but only doing so because other people would be upset. It hurts to know that, as suicide used to be a very comforting thought in a lot of depressive times.
Sometimes for brief days I'll think 'Everything is gonna be ok', but that's usually all it is. Very brief day of happiness on top of a really shitty everything else, and it seems like the easiest things bring me down. It's gotten worse lately and I've been told by these very same people that they don't like hanging around constant negativity. An SO I had briefly told me the same when she decided to end the relationship.
It feels wrong, but I've started to think this is my way out too. Like, the moment they all lose patience with me is the moment I can finally do it. I feel like I should strive for it, but thinking on that for too long gets me nauseated. I'm at a stand-still, really. Not really wanting to live, not having dying as a realistic option, and not being able to just chin-up and take it a lot of the time.
I really don't know how to get around this, but sometimes I feel a bit closer to just outright harming myself than other times. It might be getting worse and I really don't know if I care to try and stop it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I am some type of batshit-insane [huge wall-of-text rant + desperate plea for advice] There is something so deeply wrong with me. Something in my brain, it just isn't wired right. My whole life- literally, my WHOLE life, as far back into my childhood as I can remember- has been a horror show of terrifying mood swings, self-hate, abandment issues, and the pursuit of oblivion. i started *directly* self harming at age twelve following years of internal turmoil over... nothing, really. nothing in my life at that point had ever been truly taumatic. my parents fought a lot, my dad stepped out when i was ten, but nothing that would warrant the terrible things that went on in my head. from there, things only got worse, as my next fix came in the form of the eating disorder that had been brewing my whole life. i was starved for attention and affection, so i starved myself. until i was hospitalized at 14. in that hospital, something awful (even more awful than the usual awfulness dealt to mental health patients in this country) occurred, and i... have never recovered.
my mood swings got worse, and worse still, until my own mother sent me away to live with a relative.
that relative turned out to be perhaps as crazy as me; albeit in such a way that it manifested as outward aggression- outward aggression toward *me* rather than to herself.
after a year i finally got to come home... without my hair, any of my personal possessions, or the few friends i'd had.
she took them all from me.
i tried to rebuild. i really did. i tried so fucking hard, but everything inside me told me no, it's too late, and i guess it was.
my grades slipped. i failed three classes. i'm a senior now but i probably won't graduate. college is off the table. that luxury isn't afforded to poor girls with 2-point-nothing GPAs.
i've spent the last several years in and out of therapy, but nothing has ever come of it. no one cares to talk about the constant hell my unmagable emotions pull me through as long as my weight stays at a certain number so i've never had a proper diagnosis. i'm just sad for no reason. than i'm on top of the world. than i'm scared everyone i love is gonna leave me. then i'm scared of *everything*. as far as any outside source is concerned, i'm just "unmotivated".
my already damn near unbearable life became even worse a few nights ago, however, when a mental break down over- wait for it!- a package of ramen fucking noodles resulted in a meltdown that alienated my last ally, my brother, and now i'm left feeling like an intruder in my own home. i don't know how the hell to carry on. i'm so sick of every aspect of my life. i'm gonna end up one of the washed up drug whores in the drug-ho-hotel nearby. all i do is drink, and cry, and get high, and hurt myself. it's a painful cycle. it's exhausting. i just want it to stop. i need help but no one is willing to give it to me.
i feel so alone. just... alone.
Im seventeen and i'm already all used up.
All this time i should have been figuring out what i wanna do, and instead, my eighteenth is approaching and i don't even know what i wanna do. it doesn't matter though, i know, because like i said: poor girls with shit grades don't get to go to college.
i think i'm gonna die in this messy bedroom in my mother's house.
I feel like my only choice is to decide when that is.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't know why I miss it... I've been taking medication for depression and it's lowered the number of panic attacks I get and just anxiety in general even though my paranoia has increased. The problem being is that I base my entire life off of patterns. My normal for years has been "go somewhere, get a panic attack" and I've built my life around it. It makes me feel bad but I want to go back to my normal. My normal of getting panic attacks if it's too loud in a room, more than 5 people I don't know, or just sitting down watching YT and then have a panic attack. It makes me feel really bad but, I miss it.
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self.Anxiety
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Does anyone else get violent vertigo cause of anxiety or is it just me? I’ve been to emergency rooms. Urgent care. Everything else and I’m healthy. They even did a cat scan. I’m just trying not to feel alone in this. Vertigo can be freaky. I’m okay now but I’m just fearing one day it’ll come back again
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self.Anxiety
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When depressed do you listen to upbeat music or depressed music? Personally I listen to depressed music a lot because it makes me feel better to hear that other people have suffered what I am suffering, or something semi subconscious like that.
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self.depression
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Anxous of becoming homeless, normal? Is it really not normal when, your'e anxous of becoming homeless or becoming poor? I mean its not that impossible to become homeless. So should i be scared of poverty or homelesness? Because once poor forever poor. In the most cases. So should i be worried about homelesness?
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self.depression
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Anxiety caused by disability hi. Im new to reddit this is my first post.
I was wondering if there is anyone who has a physical disability that causes them daily anxiety. I am legally blind and about to move out in to my own flat.
I went to a boarding school for people who are blind and visually impaired, as ive got older ive found that socialising with sighted people makes me extremely uncomfortable.
Ive suffered with anxiety for five years it causes panic attacks and makes socialising difficult. I also struggle with overthinking and being to internal ( something that has got worse as my vision has got worse)
If anyone has had similar experience and has advice it would help a lot.
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self.Anxiety
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Loved one w/Anxiety & Depression What are some of the ways your loved ones have supported you or made you feel better, in big ways or small ways? What worked and what didn't? Also looking for tips on how to support when in a long-distance relationship.
Context: My boyfriend of 5 years has anxiety and depression. It's gotten much worse lately due to the sudden death of a loved one. He is working two part-time jobs and studying for the GRE to enter vet school. We live together so I try to take care of him best I can (I work full time and am a Master's student). I'm also leaving for a 10-week research fellowship in Thailand in 2 months. It's very difficult for him to schedule counseling or take time off. Just a high-stress situation right now. Thank you for taking the time to read/answer.
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self.Anxiety
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Cant find the motivation to do anything. Iv been unhappy with my life for as long as I remember, im nearly 20 and I feel like I have nothing left to live for, well I thought that 4 years ago and since then iv been waiting for something to push me into finding the courage to kill myself. Iv tried so many things to force myself into doing it, the moment school finished I stopped talking to everyone, destroyed things that mean allot to me. Iv half assed my way through 3 years of college that I was hoping I would fail in so it would push me into suicide, after the third year I decided to at least try, but now im in my last year which I cant just half ass my way through, Iv started to realize what 4 years of complete Isolation suffering from depression has done to me. 2 months ago I realized just how disconnected iv become from reality that iv completely retreated into my own mind. Iv tried to kill myself already by eating glass, and have tried to find some substances I can inject but when it actually comes down to doing it I just cant, because it feels so much easier in my head that when it comes to it I just cant despite wanting it more and more every day. I would've tried hanging myself last night if the cielling in my room wasn't a few centimeters taller than me, I feel like iv become a coward I know suicide is what I want but its not because im upset its because I dont want a life, I dont want kids, I dont want a house, theres nothing I can think of that I want to do or be in life.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Sometimes I'm fine and sometimes I crumble, so I really never know what to do It's like one second I'm happy and feeling good and the next some small flaw or error comes into my mind and it just blows up into the whole situation being ruined and me feeling terrible, tired, and completely unmotivated to do anything at all.
I'll probably feel fine by the time I get up in the morning and check the replies to this post. I never seek out help because while half the time it seems like I'm crying out for help, the other half I feel silly for even entertaining the thought. I don't even know if I have anxiety or what but I'm not comfortable talking to my parents about much of anything and being a minor I have no idea what to do next.
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self.Anxiety
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Thanks for fucking me up just as I was starting to feel better I really do appreciate it...
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self.depression
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Biofeedback Apps and Devices I'm 4 weeks off of Lexapro (after a very long slow taper) while I wait to see if Buspar will be helpful. The anxiety and IBS are picking up again. I'm looking at some tools to hold me over.
I've read that biofeedback devices and apps can help retrain your to reduce anxiety.
**What apps and devices does everyone use? Is it helpful? Is it better then just trying to meditate? Does it help you stay focused?**
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self.Anxiety
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Is this anxiety or something else So I've been treated for depression for years, on varying combinations of Wellbutrin and Prozac. Over the last several years, probably somewhat life event related, I've added buspar and xanax as needed for anxiety. Now over the last few months the anxiety has gotten much worse to where I've been more regularly taking the xanax to function. The thing that worries me is that I have these completely irrational fears like having a Sophie's choice situation with my kids or other equally irrational thoughts. I had thought I had things under control and was seeing my primary care dr for medication maintenance but I've set up a new psych appt in a few weeks because this isn't working. Not sure what medication might be better, I know it varies by person though. I guess I just feel better if I've got some kind of plan and right now I just worry about running out of xanax before I see the doctor, or if this new psych will just not want to prescribe anything like xanax.
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self.Anxiety
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How do you date when you are a red flag in a relationship? I mean people talk about not wanting to date someone crazy... how le F do you do that when you are literally crazy? It's not like I have a few red flags to cover in my dating escapades... I am a red flag.
Can't be tryin to pick up chicks like, "Hey baby, I'm out of work and been in IOP for 5 months. I'll be back on my feet and then in IOP again when I break down. I see a therapist twice a week. Bow chicka wow wow."
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self.bipolar
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About to start university freak outs This will be my third major attempt at starting a university degree. Each previous attempt i have had panic attacks and random freak outs which caused me to miss lectures and not submit work.
Basically the worry of failure holds me back. And the worry of worrying is holding me back. I keep expecting to fail and therefore fail. I have zero self esteem.
No idea why im posting this. Just scared and don't want to keep bothering my housemates with my nonsense.
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self.Anxiety
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Let's face a hard truth: there is no cure for suicidal tendencies. However... ...you don't have to let it ruin your day.
It's like any other defect you may have. Eventually, you learn to accept that it is a part of you, and you have good days despite it lingering around.
Trying to cure suicidal tendencies is like trying to cure someone of wanting to win the lottery.
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don't think I'm with the right person There are so many things wrong in my relationship that I would tell any one of my friends to run away from, to put an absolute stop to, to stand against. I see them every single day and I continually see the red flag standing so strong in my own mind yet I can't seem to do anything about it. I feel helpless and honestly, so very stupid. Yet here I am, doing nothing.
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self.offmychest
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I'm terrible at everything, my friends hate me, and I'm leading myself toward a shitty life I'm 17 years old, I'm a junior in high school. For the past 3 years, I've been spiraling downward into a hole that I cannot escape from. My grades have gone to shit, I can't find the motivation to study or do anything but watch the same TV shows on repeat, because I know what happens; it feels safe.
I've been built up to such a high expectation from everyone that I cannot possibly manage. In the 3rd grade, I was reading Charles Dickens, Shakespeare, Agatha Christie. In the 2nd grade, I taught myself guitar and in the 5th, I taught myself clarinet.
My mother, who works 12+ hours a day, couldn't be bothered to pay any mind to my schooling. She still thinks that I'm a straight A, AP student with universities lining up at the door. In reality, I stay up all night crying, and I sleep through my classes filled with kids who could barely read; only to repeat the cycle.
Today was my breaking day. I got 2 hours of sleep, I missed more assignments, got rejected by the school's wind ensemble for the 3rd year in a row, and I haven't said a word to anyone of which I could call a 'friend.'
I don't know where this road leads, but it really can't be good. I live right next to a railroad; it would take 5 minutes for me to end it.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Why am I the way that I am? I can be happy for short periods of time then I get extremely sad, anxious, and frustrated. I don't really have anyone in my life except a couple of friends and a sister. I get told I'm pretty and gorgeous a lot but I just don't see it. I never really had a parent in my life which is probably why I can't handle being alone. Like seriously my boyfriend dumped me and a day later I already had sex with another guy.
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self.depression
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Feeling wretched This morning when I was leaving for work there was a kitten in really bad shape on our driveway. I got him up, took him to the vet and went to work. Picked him up and he's safe, but too sick to go back out and be with his mom.
In the mean time, she is walking back and forth outside meowing and calling to him and she's been doing it for 5 hours.
Its been a really hard few weeks for me and this is just making me feel like crap because I took her baby, for the best possible reasons, but I took him. (She is a feral cat and won't come inside)
I just feel like I only cause people pain and that I'd be better off gone. I know what I did was right but I just feel like crap because she knows what will make everything alright for her, and I don't know what I want or need in my life for it to be more bearable.
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self.depression
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Frontier, why you gotta be so rude? Seriously.
I scheduled my appt. On the 20th for the 27th. 27th came and went with no call from a Frontier tech. Whatever. Something happened. Lets check the online helpdesk.
Talk to two diff. People on helpdesk and both are helpful*. The latter told me that the techs notes say he'll be there tomorrow (today the 28th).
Now I called cust. Service today on the advice of the latter helpdesk associate, and the CSR for Frontier told me that nothing had been rescheduled for today and that the next appointment date they had was thurs. The 30th.
So I ordered on the 20th and now i wont have service until the 30th (hopefully). I was as nice as possible and as understanding as can be... but to any Frontier techs who might read this -- I do hope you get horribly injured on your job because fuck you for not calling me when your lazy ass didnt want to come to my apt that ALREADY HAS AN ONT TERMINAL INSTALLED IN IT AND LITERALLY SHOULD BE A 20 MINUTE JOB IF YOURE NOT A FUCKING MENTAL REJECT.
So yes. Get fucked frontier techs. Get fucked.
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self.offmychest
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I feel as though no one wants to talk to me Whenever I try and talk to any of my family or friends it's almost as if they reluctantly reply. My friends blank my messages even though they come online and talk in group chats. I just wish they gave a shit, I wish they enjoyed talking to me and actually had a conversation with me instead of shutting it off.
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self.depression
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Afraid of intimacy Hello,
I'm writing this because I feel stuck. This will probably be a long post, so thanks to those who might stay till the end.
Several years ago, I fell in love for the first (and only) time in my life. It coincided with my sexuality's awakening.
It was hard for me to get close to her, but over time I managed to build a "friendly" relationship with her. I felt it would be the best base for a potential relationship. When it came to try, I didn't feel ready. Part of this was because I could feel she wasn't into me the way I was - I could see she liked me and was sending me some signals, but she was obviously hesitant about all of this.
And I'm ok with that. Over time I realised I wasn't ready for this (I was basically idealising her, hoping that she'd be the one). However, I never got over the fact that I never properly asked her out. I never told her I was in love with her.
I was scared. Mostly of being rejected, but also of not being good enough: I had no experience at all, either as a lover or boyfriend, while she already had had at least one serious relationship. Though those fears would almost vanish when I'd make her smile or laugh; when I'd feel she was happy to spend some time with me. Yet, I couldn't.
For the same reason I never told anybody. It wasn't because I was ashamed of failing to win her love. It wasn't because I wanted it to stay secret (I knew my love for her was quite obvious). It was because I was scared to have sex with her. Scared to just tell her how I felt. Scared to look into her eyes say these words, even outside of their consequences.
Over time I realised that I had the same with everybody. Whether you are a friend or family, it scares me to tell you I care about you. I'm only able to tell my close family, but not while looking into their eyes.
I know that my parents would be supportive, and I fully trust them, yet I can't find the strength to just tell them I once fell in love with someone (and am not totally over her to be honest).
I've isolated myself to the point that people have become "scary", and even worse, "not people": as it's hard to really connect with them, sometimes it feels as if I don't really care about them, although I guess it could come from my self-diagnosed depression.
This is why I feel stuck. I've come to the conclusion I need to open up to people, but it is scarier than ever. Both because of my isolation and my lack of self-esteem (I used to have some which I lost over the last couple of years).
I know that part of it comes from the simple fact that I never enjoyed sharing my feelings and emotions with people, and am quite protective of my privacy (I never had any account on Facebook or similar social networks). I don't know if this can explain where I am now, but I need to change.
I'm tired of this shit. Tired of wasting my youth, and my parents resources. Tired of feeling my body craving for sex and affection, while feeling at the same time I woudn't be strong enough for it.
I guess this is a first step to me. A warm-up for a really scary conversation I need to have with my family.
If you've read of all this, thank you. I don't know if I'm making a mountain of nothing or not, though it is quite difficult to click on submit, just writing about it gives me some resolve to try more. Hopefully this won't wane right after I share this with you
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self.Anxiety
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I don’t want to be manic anymore I knew it was coming, I’ve been sick with the 2 different strains of the flu for 2 straight weeks. If I get sick it bounces my mood sky high.
I think that Jimi Hendrix song all along the watchtower is speaking to me. I thought today at church the preacher was speaking directly to me, when the logical side of me knows he’s not. I’m completely paranoid, like I think someone is going to take my daughter away. I know that will never happen, I have family and a support system. My husband bought me a box of hair color which is the exact color I wanted, I did dye it and it fits my mood. It’s a ruby red color, I’m a brunette normally. I systematically cleaned my entire house yesterday, I couldn’t NOT do it. It had to be done.
I’m trying to eat it’s not good, I ate lunch and tried to eat dinner but I couldn’t I was way too hyped up. I thought the tv was speaking to me earlier. I’m not hearing voices like normal, thanks seraquel! I’m taking my anxiety meds, I take my meds every single day. I showered today and I felt like scrubbing off my skin.
I’m happily married but completely hypersexual right now. I can’t give into it, I only want my husband-but I have endometriosis and a stage 1 uterine prolapse that affects things. I keep playing music to keep my mind grounded. I’m hoping to be able to sleep tonight, my messed up sleep these last 2 weeks brought this on.
I am scared and I’m so afraid I’m going off the edge into what I call *scary* mania. It’s where my demons and voices reside. My ptsd flares up and then I literally cannot leave my house.
I’m debating about trying to get in to see my med manager soon, I see my therapist the 27th. I am like June Cleaver on steroids when I’m manic it’s scary. I had 3 months of stability. I just don’t know how to tell my husband I’m not doing good. My mom in law probably knows already she’s very in tune with my moods.
Just think of me and if you are the praying type pray for me! I know this came across as rambling but I cannot even think coherently right now.
To add to this post, I have not smoked in almost 5 years but I am dying for a cigarette and it goes against my religion (alcohol and tobacco) to smoke but I am so desperate for a Marlboro cigarette! I hate when that happens!
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self.bipolar
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How would one go about making friends if you moved to a completely new area? Hey guys,
I have moved to an area where i dont know anybody at all. Ive been here around 12 weeks now. I am very lonely but im not very good in social situations at all. I have one friend who i work with who is also on the same course as me. I dont know how i can get to know people as i am 16 so i cant go out to clubs and meet people there and i work instead of school. I only go to the gym and my work is far from my house. I know zero people near me, how can i change this?
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self.Anxiety
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Why social media such as Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter might actually be bad for you? [deleted]
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self.depression
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My mind is fucked I don’t understand what happens in my brain. All day I’m fine and happy and even sometimes at night when I talk to people but as soon as I say night to them I feel lonely as fuck. I feel like I could die right then. I miss them so fucking much even though I was speaking to them not 5 minutes ago. I just want someone to be with me at all times - I want company. I’m afraid of what I’ll do because I self harm as well and not it’s getting suicidal. I think when I’m walking down the street that I could jump in front of a car and die right then even with friends, but I’m too scared to.
I went to a friends house a couple of days ago and were really close friends but she has a boyfriend and we cuddle and things like that but I want more but it’s such a long term relationship that I feel that if I do anything more I’ll destroy our friendship and my other friend is the same. I honestly have no clue what to do and this rant is barely suicidal but I’ll probs be thjnkinf aboht it again in 5 minutes
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self.SuicideWatch
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Stupid Neighbor Dead Dog. Several months ago I was talking with my neighbor. I suggested that he not pay catch with his dog in the road. He told me that I was right. The next morning I looked out my window and there they were playing fetch again. Today his dog was ran over and killed. What makes me mad and sad is that the dog was really sweet and friendly. It was not her fault she was conditioned to play in the road. My neighbor is crying and it is all I can do not to berate him for being stupid. If you have a pet please take good care of it or give it to someone who will.
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self.offmychest
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Anyone else who used to work in police/military or interested in security Guard work? I was studying Arabic in the library when I first felt what I could only describe as a wave of elation coming over me. It was a sign to come that I was very ill, and the stress and isolation at work (I worked as a security guard) was something far worse. I used to study in the library for the S.E.T(Standard Entry Test) to become a police constable, and I always had a greater ambition to work for MI5 or GCHQ, but I had set small goals and was accomplishing them like a man polishes the facets on a diamond. Each facet was beginning to shine, beginning to really come into their own - but. But then I fell ill with bi polar, and began to believe - and I mean really, really believe - that I was a spy.
Hospital was a deep pond for me, and I fell into a two year depression after the medicine relieved me of my ambitions.
In the afforementioned two years, I've become a tutor in kids mathematics and am still studying Arabic language with the underlying hope that I might get an easier, less stressful, job in the police/prison translation service.
If any of this sounds interesting, I'd love to have a tennis-conversation back and forth with you. Maybe you used to work in security too... Or, or maybe your ambition is to work for the police/security? I miss it, and have no friends to talk to about what it was like you see. I could even help someone who is interested in becoming a security guard or perhaps is interested in Arabic language study like I am.
I know this is a bizzare post.
I know it's bizzarre but there's got to be someone out there who is like me and has been through something similiar?
Maybe if you even just lived in Kuwait city (I lived in Salwa as a teenager) or are an Arab going through bi polar.
Anyway
you've a friend here. If you would care to comment.
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self.bipolar
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Lifeline online chat I've decided that I will try to get some sort of help before i end my life, just to give it one final chance to get better before i make it better. I saw that the lifeline has a live chat, and so i'm wondering, under what circumstances do they track you down and call police on you? I have a plan, the means to carry out the plan, and i've not really set a date yet, all i know is that i'm going to do it on a saturday night. I also self harm if that has anything to do with their police protocol. I cannot have the police come to my house as i am a minor and my parents don't know that i'm hopelessly depressed and i hope to keep it that way. What i want to get out of the chat is for someone to listen to me vent and help me create a safety plan and get other coping mechanisms besides cutting, so if i do the chat i want to be honest with them about everything to have the best chance of making a plan that can actually help me. From the things i said, would they feel the need to call authoritys from that?
Edit: went ahead and did the chat, when i was up next in the line a link popped up but when i clicked it, it took me to the chat page saying that they were under heavy load and couldn't take my chat request. oh well, only one thing left to do.
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self.SuicideWatch
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How do you manage your anxiety when you are at home sick (flu, cold). Being sick gives you low motivation to do stuff and I struggle with idle time. Anything you all do to keep your anxiety and anxious thoughts at bay?
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self.Anxiety
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There's no point. All I need is someone to kill me. I can't muster up the guts to do it myself. However, I just want it to stop.
Why are we still here? What's the point of it all? Every day, I watch any intellectual light remaining in people wither and vanish. This country is awful. The people are awful. No one listens to each other, and no one ever listened to me. I've been abused all my life, and it has never changed. I doubt it will ever change. I doubt anyone will ever love me. I doubt I can fix the world and make it all right again.
Please, if I give you my information, can you assist me in committing suicide?
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self.SuicideWatch
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I don’t know what to do with my anxiety I wish I knew what triggered my anxiety. I just walked into the house and froze for a second because life didn’t feel real. I almost had a panic attack & closed my eyes and took a deep breath. Idk what to do anymore I’m so angry and sad.
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self.Anxiety
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A poem. Kind of. My head is always too full and other parts too empty
Feeling lonely surrounded by people because no one will ever get me
No one will take my human pieces and be able to solve the problem that is myself
How lonely it is to feel this way laying in bed with someone I love
To love someone takes the sting away
I will still never be understood
He knows as much as I do
But I can't explain what I don't know
Who I want to be haunts me
She floats through my mind at every moment
I know what she would do in every situation
But I cannot do those things
An empty eggshell lies where her soul would go
They think I am uninterested
Insincere
I want nothing as badly as I want for them to see me
To see me yearning for company and someone to care for
They think I am content
They see a shell of a girl who has it all together
They would never guess the order I fall apart
I have become so good at existing
I am great at being alive
But that is about all
My head is full of these ideas
Dreams and plans that never become more
They are hers, not mine
She is somewhere near me
But in a glass bottle with the lid welded on
I wonder what he sees
Is it her or me
Does he know she will never come out
Would he stay if he did
Thanks for reading.
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self.depression
|
Does my boyfriend have anxiety? What can i do to help him? Regular user, but throwaway account. Posting here because I figured folks my have a bit of insight/advice.
I've been with my boyfriend for about 4 years now, we took a break a while ago due to some small problems & distance. We reconnected about 8 months ago and, initially (for about 2.5 months), things were going well.
A bit of background, while we were broken up my boyfriend got accepted to a public service academy (think paramedic/firefighter/police officer) and chose to take that opportunity. When we got back together he was at the tail end of that academy and is currently working in that field.
We began dating again while he was in the academy and things were going well, we were communicating better and felt that we were compatible emotionally and physically (both of which are important to me). He would tell me how he didn't really like the people in the academy and thought the job was ok it was a lot of responsibility and he wasn't sure what he'd do in a lot of situations. Soon after starting he began to talk less. No he usually just says: "ok" "i don't know" or "i'm sorry" in response to everything I ask.
Now when I talk to him he'll break down in tears occasionally, or be silent, sometimes he'll talk but his responses are delayed--it takes him a long time to get words out. A few weeks ago I asked him if he was in a bad place, at first he responded "I don't know" but eventually he said "yes" with no further explanation. He also has trouble sleeping, I often lay by him to calm him down or else he'll wake up during the night frantic or crying sometimes. He also has a lot of stuffed animals with names (yeah I think this is a bit weird but if it's your thing sure....) and shows them more affection than me usually. It hurts.
He hadn't really been texting friends or family. When he did his messages seemed normal but a bit short or withdrawn. I reached out to one of his friends about talking to him/seeing if he's ok, but that friend said my boyfriend has stopped responding to his calls/messages.
The sadest part is, he thinks that I do not like hanging out with him because "I am unhappy with him and the relationship and he is not good enough for me because he does not feel comfortable doing certain things" and "he gets beat down at work and with life and is stressed all the time and he always feels bad." He's a nice guy, even through all of this he tries to make me happy non-verbally by bringing my favorite foods and things like that. But, the lack of communication and intimacy are really draining (the last 6 months have been a complete dead bedroom, he will not kiss me using his tongue only closed mouthed kisses).
A few days ago he went home for the holidays, and from the few pictures on social media it seemed like he had an ok time (there were some smiles on his face) but when I texted him he said he just wanted to be home with his stuffed animals.
I'm not sure what to do at this point. I spend a lot of time trying to cheer him up but if I say one wrong things he'll break down. But, I am young, and have a whole life ahead of me, I don't want to be weighed down by someone who may never come around again.
tl;dr: How can I help my boyfriend? When is it time for me to walk away?
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self.Anxiety
|
I want to die I probably wont kill myself even tho I know ways to do it painless... if I ever do it it would probably be with a knife, not minding the pain.
I have no friends except for my dog who died today. She had been suffering for 6 days and instead of putting her to sleep I made her suffer... I took her to 3 diff clinics and I got 3 diff diagnosis and then she passed away. I made her suffer for nothing.
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self.SuicideWatch
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Hot flashes and night sweats I am 45 yrs young, and haven’t had a period for 6 months. My night sweats and hot flashes are terrible I wake up drenched. I’m a smoker and wanted to know if there is anything I can take. I do not have medical insurance so visiting pc is not an option. There has to be something out there that works. Please help!!!
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self.offmychest
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How do you deal with everything in this sub? This is a serious question and not a random complaint or rant. I myself suffer from extreme mental health issues and I have to keep walls up so inherently I came here by accident but good god. Even though I didn't mean to come here, and as much as I support this place I've never seen such a concentrated window into the atrocities humans create. One of my own issues is misanthropy and I spend all my time reading on the internet so I by no means am naive to what humans have done but this has floored me. How do you people deal with it?
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self.SuicideWatch
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realizing the gravity of my first big manic episodes then diagnosis. cant believe how crazy i was acting. does therapy really help? almost exactly a year ago my first big 6 month manic episode ended, i crashed into depression for two months, then with antidepressants shot up into an even worse 3 month manic episode. all during my senior year of college.
It all ended in late june/early july when i properly got diagonsed BP1 and put on lithium and latuda.
anyway, im finally more stable and realizing how crazy i was during that year of my life. im so embarassed and totally ashamed, i understand why i dont have friends after this. does therapy really help? will they judge me when i tell them about the crazy irrational thoughts/behavior, the risky sex, the drug use, the spending etc ?
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self.bipolar
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I don't know if I can do this anymore. [deleted]
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self.SuicideWatch
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I have no interest in growing old 20 years on this earth and I feel like I've lived more life than most 80 year olds just because of this disorder. So many emotions, and the hypomania... I've done so much, and honestly a lot of it was pretty great.
But I think I'm done, I genuinely don't have any interest in growing older. Society makes lies about how life gets better and more meaningful, but the truth is that you just get uglier as your mind and body deteriorate. That's it, and I have no interest in that. A lot of Bipolar people do awesome stuff in their 20's then die around 27, which I respect but if I was going to do anything awesome like that I'd probably have needed to start in my late teens, but I'm already 20 so I don't think that will happen.
Anyways, getting old sounds terrible, and I've already lived so much life. Not to mention that this disease is progressive/degenerative...
|
self.bipolar
|
The Worst Sorry if I'm abusing this message board because I'm not actually seriously contemplating offing myself yet...just thought it could be nice to hear some feedback. To be honest though, the only thing that's kept me from it is the heartbreak it would bring to my mother and father, if nobody cared about me I would've been long gone by now, so I guess I can count myself lucky in that regard. I think to get right to the point I should just say, I'm a massive piece of shit. I'm the worst person I've ever met...I've stolen from friends and family to fuel my drug and alcohol dependencies, I've lied about it consistently and continuously..(and plenty of times lied about lying about it)..I've gotten to the point where I do whatever the fuck I want to do, in a hedonistic sense, and try to weasel or charm my way out of whatever consequences arise. I'm now a college dropout, a liar, a thief, and an overall degenerate and I'm struggling to find any redeeming qualities in myself at all..all things considered, I am the worst.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
Anyone else here depressed too? How the hell am I supposed to handle anxiety and depression at the same time?
How do you lot do it? I was supposed to get ready for school 3h but I'm completely frozen sitting in the floor. I'm late for school even though I haven't even slept yet lol.
|
self.Anxiety
|
Holiday Woes For the first time in my life I spent Thanksgiving alone. It was hard for me to deal with but last night I realised I will probably be alone for many mmre holidays to come. With all the other things going on in my life recently it was almost enough to push me to the edge. The only defense I could make against killing myself is that I haven't given away all the Christmas presents I bought away yet. I guess even a stupid reason to live is a good reason to, but I don't know what I will look to hold on to moving forwards.
|
self.depression
|
the one where cambino falls asleep at their job i thought being a two year old instructor in the evenings at a daycare after my day job would be wise. not only did i throw my back out hefting children onto changing tables and onto steps, i totally faceplanted (kneeplanted? had a pretty impressive drool stain on my scrub pants
so the daycare was great. it’s a two edged sword working with kids - the kids keep me on my toes (sometimes not for the better) but the higher ups/my supervisors drive me fucking bananas. i’m only one person and i was assigned **THIRTEEN TWO-YEAR-OLDS** on my first day of work.
so i walk in on the tail end of nap time. it never gets easy having to wake up kids from scheduled naps - but they do need to have a set start and stop time for an afternoon nap. one by one they rise, like crops previously planted on a field of mashed crayons and baby wipes, and stare at me in confusion.
i’m very informal with the kids i care of. i talk to them like they’re adults, like they’re growing young minds (as they are). so i abbott and costello my way through a few potty breaks and diaper changes and distribute snacks albeit haphazardly.
the lady who impromptu trained me comes in and opens a window in the corner to let in some fresh air, and also to snoop on me. the kids finish snack and clamor at the window, shoving legos, books, nearly themselves, out the small opening. trying to keep that melee controlled and one of the kids drops the most monstrous shit in his pants you only see in two-year-olds who are asked every ten minutes if they have to go potty.
i get an assistant who deals with the fecal reckoning and the remaining kids and i color some nonsense with manila paper and crayons. it’s a casual affair - i actually did have a good time when they weren’t kicking my ass.
then we go outside. check this shit out.
we lead the kids outside like they’re a group of cats. immediately they’re all over the play set that’s still a little wet from a rain the day before. school uniforms? soaked. shoes? sayonara.
when we start winding down the day we take the time to clean up the kids, change diapers and clothes if they have an extra set in their cubbies. the end of the night i’m told a parent had a beef with me because i wasn’t looking down his son’s diaper every ten seconds to check if it was wet (i had changed him twice that shift, once after nap and when everyone got back inside). also bitched me out for letting his kid have a runny nose.
i go to my usual day job the next morning still mostly asleep. i almost fell asleep driving to work which is mildly terrifying given the mad dash everyone has to the town i work in after 7:00 AM. fast-forward to 11:00 AM. a disembodied voice tells me my sister has called to check on me (i had texted her that i may need my retired dad to take over driving me home since i was still fucking exhausted) and i look down.
huge-ass puddle of drool on my pants. i feel moderately recharged. i have napped for thirty minutes on the clock. fuck. me.
so my boss chews my ass out - rightfully so, i have enough flexibility to call in if i’m not feeling well or as run over as i was last night - but lets me slide. proceeded to drive home after shift and sleep for four hours.
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self.bipolar
|
I live in the past and can't bear to think about the future I spend most of my time thinking about my past and wishing I was back there. My life was better about a year ago and thinking about it makes me sad and longing. I'm envious of people with good, happy lives and wish I could be 'popular' like they are. I'm plagued by feelings of loneliness and some days I just really can't pick myself up off the couch, asking myself "what's the point? you're never gonna be anything anyways". I sit here hoping that maybe someday things will be better and I imagine myself in great futures that I'll never attain because I'm not willing to work towards it. "Shes cute, I wish I could be with her", but I'll never go and talk to her because I'm averse to social interaction. "I wish I had that car", but I won't get off my ass and work for it. It's like I'm expecting some magical angel to come down and make my life perfect, or let me go back in time and undo my mistakes. Everything seems to remind of better times and I constantly, say, look at pictures of things. I won't let myself forget. What the hell is my problem?
Do I need to talk to someone?
This was more of a rant than anything...oops.
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self.depression
|
Stuck in limbo I walked for an hour to find a tall enough building. Then I watched people walking by it, beneath some crazy bright lights, and I suddenly felt sick. There was no thought in particular that was making me sick, but I felt compelled to get away from that place. So, I raced back home and straight into bed. I cried more than I've ever cried before, and there wasn't a thought in my mind.
I don't want to die anymore, but I don't want to be alive.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
This is it. I’ve hit rock bottom. Any response is appreciated. WARNING: WALL OF TEXT
I’m an 18 yr old male. I’ve always been somewhat depressed since about 13. But here’s how my story goes: I started doing drugs when I was 16. It started with marijuana, occasionally. Then it quickly turned to smoking weed all day every day. Eventually, weed got kinda boring. So at the age of 16 i took a dose of LSD and loved it. Following that, I was introduced to Ecstasy and abused that for a week or two. Still smoking copious amounts of pot at this point. Also cigarettes got in there pretty quick. At 17, I was smoking weed all day every day and there was a period of about 3 weeks where I would take LSD every two days just for fun. Then LSD got boring, so I took a small break from that. During my break, I tried speed, DXM, mushrooms, MDA, and cocaine. I never really abused these drugs. But I did use them. Then i abused LSD. I took 2 double dosed hits (4 hits total). I didn’t know they were double dosed. I had a horrifying trip. I thought was dead. Time became meaningless and infinite. It felt like I was part of some huge simulation, and nothing actually existed. It scared the hell out of me. So I took a long break from LSD. At this point in my story, I’m 17. Still smoking weed everyday along with cigarettes, and occasionally coke and speed. Then I abused LSD again, and nearly ruined my social life. I made an hour long Snapchat story of me saying gibberish and nonsense, and I was waving my dick around and just generally acting insane on my Snapchat. A lot of my friends saw it. I was hugely embarrassed. Haven’t done LSD Since. Next part of my life: I start my Senior year of highschool and turned 18 this past September. I slowed down on the weed smoking. But when the school year started, my depression starting kicking in hard. (I had depression all throughout my life, but most of the time drugs kept it away). But this time it came back with vengeance. So what do I do? Drugs. Not just any drugs. The *worst* drugs to be addicted to. Benzos. There’s a way you can order synthetic benzodiazepines online with just a credit card. **You can buy as much as you want.** This is where things get bad. I started with Etizolam, a legal form of Xanax. It took away all my anxiety, and I fell in love with it. So I started taking absurd amounts of it, building a tolerance. Eventually Etizolam felt weak due to my tolerance. So I went online, and bought one of, if not, the most potent benzodiazepines on Earth. Clonazolam. (CLam for short). I bought 25 1mg pills. Typically, someone with no tolerance to benzos would take 1mg CLam and be knocked out for like 18 hours. But nope. Not me. Since my benzo tolerance was already jacked up due to Etizolam, I had no issues popping 3-4mg CLam a night. I’ve been doing this for about a month now. Since this drug is legal and unscheduled, there is very little known about the side effects of it. One day, I went to work and forgot to dose my CLam. At work I was seeing things, I was paranoid, scared, tense, irritable, and in physical pain. At this point I realized my body **needs** CLam to survive. All this was just a few days ago. Tomorrow I am getting more CLam to hold me over. Benzos are the worst drug to be hooked on, hands fucking down. And that was only 1 day of withdrawal. It gets worse the longer you go without dosing. So basically; I’m a huge (functional) drug addict.
Now I’m gonna tell you what’s *really* bothering me. Drug addiction is one thing. But this. This really takes the cake:
One of my close friends knew I was addicted to CLam, and referred me to the school counselor. Since she is a very close friend of mine, I took her advice, since she was only trying to help. I go to my school counselor. I Tell her everything I just mentioned above. The weed, Ecstasy, cocaine, benzos, etc. From all this, she concluded that I see a doctor and tell him about my heavy benzo addiction. So I did. I went to the doctor. But here’s the fun part: I didn’t go to the doctor for him to help me get off drugs. I went because I thought “Hey, I can get benzos legally from a doc! Screw getting clean!” So I went to the doc, didn’t tell him anything about my benzo/drug abuse. And he prescribed me Lexapro. I was disappointed, seeing as I thought I could get more benzos from my doc. But then I went back to my school counselor, and she asked how the Dr appointment went. I said “it went great! I told him all about my abuse, and he’s helping me get clean!”
What kind of fucking person am I? Who voluntarily goes to counseling to get clean from drugs, and then lies to the counselor AND the doctor?? I’m still taking CLam to this day. I’m on my afternoon dose right now. Yet, my counselor, my doctor, my friends, they all think I’m getting my life together and staying away from drugs. But I’m not. I’m still heavily addicted. And from what I’ve researched, due to the potency of CLam, the withdrawals can easily be fatal. So let’s say that the website I get CLam from gets shut down. I have no access to my benzos, and could literally die at *any* moment if I’m not on my CLam.
I feel so awful. Not only am I heavily addicted to hard drugs, but I’m an avid liar, manipulator, and a fiend. I have no good qualities.
I can’t even feel happiness anymore, the years of drugs have taken it all away. Even when I’m on my CLam. It makes me somewhat content, but mostly it just numbs my depression and crushes my anxiety. I’m a shell of a person I used to be before drugs. I remember feeling pleasure from simple things. Watching TV, taking a walk, cracking jokes with friends. But all of that is gone now. I wouldn’t wish this upon my worst enemy. I’m so young, yet my life has already been washed away from extreme drug abuse. I might as well just end it all. Maybe I’ll stop taking CLam, and let the withdrawals kill me. Or take a fucken gun to my head. This is so awful. I’m not even a human at this point. I’m 6ft 2in, and I weigh 115lb. I’m skin and bones, thanks to drugs. No girl wants me. My friends couldn’t care less about my drug issue, besides the one or two that I lied to about getting clean. I don’t even know what to think anymore. I just wanna disappear, or restart my life and avoid all the hell drugs have given me. I can never have what I want. Whether it be girls, friends, drugs that don’t ruin me, or just happiness in general. At no point in my life did I ever think “Hey, my life is pretty good.”
I’m living a nightmare. And I can’t wake up.
There’s a reason they tell you not to do drugs in school. Because you’ll end up like me. A husk of a person, with no ability to feel pleasure. But only pain, guilt, self hatred, and regret is all I can feel. I can’t type this anymore. It makes me feel sick even admitting all of this.
Don’t do drugs.
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self.depression
|
Anyone else not talk to family or friends? dpdr/depression/anxiety has crippled my social skills and I'm never in a mood to socialize. I pretty much spend my whole day trying to fix my brain but I haven't noticed any big changes. Meanwhile, my friends are moving on with their lives and I am slowly being left behind. I am also gaining a reputation as "that depressed guy". Sigh
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self.depression
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To my stepbrother: Just because my anxiety is different than other people's that you know that doesn't mean I'm faking it [deleted]
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self.Anxiety
|
A Year Ago... A year ago I was sitting on my bed counting spilled pills. Wondering if I had enough to end it all.
Flash forward to this year. I'm halfway through my graduate program, have adopted a furry friend who is my whole life and I'm genuinely happy with who I am and how beautiful life can be.
I'm so glad I didn't do it.
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self.offmychest
|
How do you numb memories I'm 25, my entire family died in a plane crash 5 years ago and I have not been able to stop thinking about all the great childhood memories I had. I remember them so vividly and I loved my family so much and it makes me cry. I know I shouldn't turn to drugs, but would this help numb my pain? I severely miss being a kid and all the happy memories I had and I want to stop remembering them but I can't. What do I do? Please help, I'm not feeling emotionally stable these day.
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self.depression
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Probably just a rant, don't even know if it counts as "Depression" [deleted]
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self.depression
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Need help with a friend. Hi. I'm still in school (17yrs old) and I have this friend I'm worried about. I need help because I'm not exactly comfortable with asking him flat out if he has depression, and whether or not he's on the verge of ending himself. Unfortunately, I'm 90% sure he has depression, and I'm not sure I know enough about him or his circumstances to know whether he will indeed commit the act.
A bit about him. He has a few friends, but he's not exactly a social creature. He spends most of his breaks doing his work, studying in library etc. He's really smart, he's funny and his mind is really spectacular; he's good at just about every subject he does, his math is impeccable, the stories he writes for english are creative and funny; a side of him he doesn't show much to other people. He has a brilliant mind, but he's shy.
However, I notice that he spends a lot of time doing two things; studying and gaming. His parents are divorced and he mainly lives with his mum. Recently I thought something was up, because only this year have i been getting to know him better. I always thought he might have had some sort of depression, and he's dropped a few hints here and there, but one day he walked in and looked like he was having a really bad day. Sometime in the lesson, I think the guy next to him was annoying him (in a light hearted, what friends do sorta manner) and my friend said something along the lines of "See this is the reason...(sorry forgot what he said here)... What if I'm on the news tomorrow?"
Without saying too much, there was someone last year who did take their life at our school. I didnt want a repeat. Today, I asked him how he did in his english exam. He told me he had a new idea for his creative; one centred around a suicidal character. Then he said it was autobiographical, but with a smile. He does this a lot, when he wants you to think he's joking but he really isn't. He's quite a character in that he's always faking things and making other people laugh at the stupid stuff he does. But in a way it makes me think he's cheapening his dignity by doing all this.
Anyway, after today, I didn't want to feel responsible knowing all this in case something did happen. I want to message my student advisor anonymously, but since I talk to my friend a lot, I'm sure he'll figure out it was me that spoke out if the year advisor says something like 'a friend was worried about you.' I'm really unsure about how to confront him about all this, it's something out of my comfort zone. Of course, I'm being selfish.
i need help reddit
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I realized that I was protecting myself this whole time. [deleted]
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self.offmychest
|
Is it even worth trying the national suicide hotline? I’ve lost all hope but my friend I confided in told me to try it. Has anyone tried calling it before. I can’t see it being any help, especially since it’s a government operation. If you have called, what’s your experience like. I don’t want to waste time if I don’t have to.
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I am so over feeling like nothing and always doing something wrong and things going wrong... It seems I just can't get a break: mom and dad passed away in 2014 and 2015, 2016 I broke up with my bf because I got so frustrated with everything him stressing about his work, my brother sueing my sister and I, my parents dying...
At least I was lucky still that he took me back, I love him so much and he's gotten a great job where he's not stressed out anymore...
I had to quit my job because I got promoted and didn't get the option to be back to my lower position (it was less stressful), and now been like 8 months jobless.
2017, my bf's friend passed away from cancer...
2018, finally we could afford a small holiday to another state, we got back, we find out one of our cats almost died from a kidney disease, my last bits of savings to keep him going. He's healthier again and happy, and I'm glad I did it, but damn it, I know I should appreciate what I have, but I hate myself so much lately:
It's hard with my bf who isn't very emotional and we never do things together like watch a movie or anything, we just sit on our computers and talk to each other; I had a talk with him and maybe I got through him finally, but I just wish he would do something out of his way for me since I suprise him with his favourite snacks when he calls and has had a bad day, I listen to him every night complain about work, I cook and clean and I do pay for my own rent and bills since I have savings...
I'm just so tired of crying every night now, I called my bf's mother and wished her a happy Birthday, but they wanted to cut it short and kept asking about what I'm doing with myself...it made me feel baaad.
I've just been feeling like crap, I don't want to call lifeline because with all my problems they tell me to see a psychiatrist, and the last time I saw one he gave me medication that made me too tired. I went back, and he tried to give me even more medication on top of that. I have been functioning without medication for years after all of this crap, I know I need to work on finding a job, I'm not sitting around sleeping or being depressed, but I am so frustrated in not finding any jobs I want.
I just want a normal cashier job where I can scan items, talk to customers and go home. Not sales where I'm pressured to reach targets, not food because people blame you for everything (at least as a cashier you sell it as it is, not actually making the product)...and it seems just too much to ask for nowadays.
Not to mention I'm desperate to get attention all the time lately: I never get compliments from my boyfriend and I give him loads; but I don't know people or have friends that are into the same things as I am. Even with my boyfriend's family I feel like an idiot: His granddad went out driving with me, and I almost hit a gas tank and for that I feel everybody thinks I'm an idiot.
I just don't know why I should continue on: I always try to think it will get better, but then thinks always get even worse and worse...I'm even worried now that something will go wrong with my taxes and what I waste I am, I'm an idiot who can't do anything.
I always wanted to be a graphic designer, I did a bachelor of digital media but only two subjects were about graphic design and it was bullshit to create some kind of art piece, not following a brief whatsoever. I did 2 internships who both said my knowledge was lacking and was mostly changing facebook banners or marketing and I hate it now. Even becoming an illustrator, my art work never sells, it's not good enough no matter how hard I try.
I'm so tired, I just want advice or someone to listen to me without being tired or angry that I'm emotional again (Because I know how annoying it is to hear it all the time, I don't want to burden people I love with it all the time, god knows if my bf still has the strength to want to be with me).
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self.SuicideWatch
|
I always thought my bipolar diagnosis was false, but recent events have made me reconsider This might be a bit of a long post, bear with me.
I have been in mental health care since I was 13 years old, and I am 22 now. It all started with my friends being worried over my eating habits and I did indeed have an eating disorder as a teen. They tipped me off to a school counselor and that started this cycle. Briefly put, my mental health care has been a joke. I have seen over 20 professional in these 10 years, I have been transferred from one clinic to next, psychologists have moved away, I have been kicked out of clinics etc.
Up until I was 19 years old I didn't have any diagnosis or any conclusion as to what is it with me or what we should do. I have been given random medications as a one off here and there, that's it. Finally my school psychologist referred me to adult psychiatric clinic where I was meant to see a doctor who could refer me further for psychotherapy, this is just for bureaucratic reasons (you need a diagnosis to be able to get psychotherapy). Now this doctor diagnosed me as bipolar after meeting me once, purely because I told her my dad has it. I was pissed off and quite sure the diagnostic method can't be correct, she hasn't really observed me at all. My psychologist told me she most likely did it just so I can have ANY diagnosis to get to therapy where they can adjust it according to what they find.
Now 3 years later I have not received any psychotherapy. I have been thrown around so much I simply gave up. I didn't have the energy to deal with the madness of it all anymore. But the diagnosis stays.
I called a health center again this fall. I lived in another country last year and now that I'm back I thought I should give it another go. The nurse who picked up the phone LITERALLY told me ''there are people who have worse problems than you, do you realize that?'' and dropped the call. I am yet to make an official complaint over this, since my school nurse said I have to do it, she made a big mistake in following their protocols. But regardless I feel like I was shunned off and again lost any motivation to get back into treatment.
For a long time I thought bipolar diagnosis doesn't quite fit me and maybe I'm more likely to have borderline personality disorder. Recently though I've come to see that maybe my ideas of what mania looks like have been a bit off.
Every spring since I was 17 years old I've gone off the rails. I've quit school, lost jobs, I moved to another country in a whim. I tend to go for very short term goals and sacrifice the long term ones in the process.
Recent impulse move: I matched with a guy on tinder and we met, he was leaving my country the next day (they had been travelling around). We had sex, and 4 weeks later I went to see him. He lives a 6 hour flight away from me. I stayed there for a month, ignored the fact I needed to pay my rent, I scammed the money for this off my dad.
I don't know where this post is going now, kinda lost the track. I guess my main question is: how likely is it I'm bipolar, or does it seem like I have bpd?
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self.bipolar
|
Help for someone who's trying to get his life under control / facebook advice Hey. Gosh. I can't believe I'm doing this.
Erhm. I'm a 26-year-old dude. I was born in an abusive family. well, my father is an (psychologically/emotionally) abusive bastard, and my mom is what some often call an "enabler". She had me after 2 other sons because she wanted to be loved and wasn't smart enough to decide having a puppy instead.
She was unfortunately never able to love or take care of her children as a parent should. Anyways, my 2 brothers and I were all severely depressed for most of our lives. As the last of the family, one of my brothers was intellectually and psychologically "castrating", while the other beat me. I know it wasn't really their fault, and they were both dealing with the toxicity in their own ways.
My way of dealing with this shit was to always smile in public, pretend like everything's fine, and cry when I'm alone. Fun stuff. Since we were a "well off" family, nobody ever cared or wondered if there were potentially any problems.
Brother who beat me was suicidal for many years, then we started getting along (hasn't stopped, we're close now). We are all "gifted". We've all had teachers tell our parents at various moments that we were smarter than the norm etc. Both my brothers were tested early, me very late. When that happened, I asked my mom if she knew about me, and she answered "well, I knew about the other two. What did it change for them?" Good point I guess.
Anyways, all 3 of us were kinda huge failures academically. Between a father that treated us like shit, telling us we were worth shit, and our mom telling us we were very intelligent, we never learnt to work or anything... So we were brilliant during elementary and a bit thereafter, but at some point later we all plunged.
Anyways... Back to me specifically. At something like 20, I decided I would either end my own life or seek outside help. I thought "well, suicide is pretty final, so let's maybe try outside help first..." lol. I went to a psychiatrist. She was pretty good, I think. She helped me tremendously. I've realised that I can survive all this shit. That I can live a decent and happy life. That I can be useful to people, that I can enjoy myself.
But it's been a lot of work. And I still have a great deal of anxieties (general anxiety disorder). they've followed mer all my life. I've made a lot of friends (I'm GREAT at it... not really at keeping them though, even though I absolutely want to), but I've lost track of 90% of them. Because I felt too much like shit, and had way too low self esteem. In great part because I couldn't do anything useful out of my life. And I couldn't deal with it.
I'm the type who would rather abandon ship rather than attempt to do something where there's even just a 5% chance that I might fail. :/
Anyways... I decided I would rejoin Facebook. after many years of abandon because of the issues I just talked about. Because some new friends really wanted me to use it with them. So I just had to take a few glasses of wine, muster my courage, and fucking do it.
Oh hello 30 invitations, and more messages and what not. Some which are several years old. :/
Oh hello girl whom I was deeply in love with 4 years ago, became very close friends with, who moved to another part of the country and whom I stopped seeing altogether. Oh you have a child and I'm not aware. :/
....
Life has moved on while I was... wherever I was. It seems. Seeing that picture of her and her child made me cry a little inside.
Fortunately, I now have found something that I like, that I enjoy, that I want, professionally. And I'll start working into the field very very soon. And I know I can become amazing at it, and it fulfills me enormously. So yeah! Life has finally moved on for me a bit! After so, so many years of feeling like absolutely NOTHING moves...
Anyways, among maybe other things, I actually need some rather practical advice from you guys if that's possible. I just don't know how facebook works anymore. If I ever did. Do people see when I'm online? I feel like I'm going to be absolutely overwhelmed if I start explaining my situation to 50 more people at the same time. Don't think I have what it takes. What can I do? I'm a bit lost.
I'm remaining hopeful, though somewhat sad, about myself, and my future life, but I feel a bit lost atm. :/
PS: Sorry if this feels/looks extremely disjointed, because it probably does.
PSS: Sorry about the "we are gifted, so intelligent" crap. It's just that this was a huge part of my (our problems). My being conflicted about my self-worth (which shouldn't even be linked to "being intelligent" in the first place ffs).
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self.depression
|
Today, I am filming my first fight scene. I'm a filmmaker. I started six years ago in 2011. I dreamed of starting in 2008. The only question is "How and where do I begin?"
Well, I remember talking to many people that I want to direct and make movies and nearly everyone would say "You can't."
And I remember for years talking about how I'm going to direct and make a fight scene. A martial arts choreographed one. With two females. Not males. And that I want to get into action films.
Well, we rehearsed yesterday. We have a good fight down. It's very basic and generic. And today, we film it. It's 6:15 in the morning as I type this and everyone is called at 11am to set to get started by 11:30ish-12.
And the two actresses I have are very professional, very experienced, and hard working individuals.
It hasn't happened yet, it's still about 6 in the morning, but it's going to happen. All the people who told me "I can't do it" will now have to sit back and say "You just did it."
I had coffee and a cinnamon roll for breakfast. What is everyone else munching on?
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self.offmychest
|
don't you hate when your parents compare you to your brother/sister/cousins? [deleted]
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self.depression
|
Blacking out before panic attacks This is how my panic attacks have always been and ive only just realise its quite out of the ordinary:
My heart races and I become really tired, I then completely loose consciousness, wake up about 2 minutes later and then have a "usual" panic attack - hyperventilating, tingling hands etc.
Im waiting for a doctors appointment but one of my teachers has suggested I might have narcolepsy and my anxiety attacks are a result of the narcoleptic episodes, not my supposed anxiety disorder.
Does anyone else deal with this at all and is it a 'normal' occurrence before/during panic attacks?
|
self.Anxiety
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A little lost Ok, I'm not 100% this where I should post. I just turned 36 but I feel like I'm 60. 3 years ago I received a kidney transplant, this should have meant a major change in my life. I should have felt amazing, alive and vibrant. I haven't. I feel like I can never get enough sleep, work starts at 9am and by 3pm I can hardly read my emails. I've tried a lot to get my energy back up, exercise, diet, etc and not much has help. What does this have to do with depression? Some of you know where this is going, it's made my depression worse. I feel like a total failure at work, I do not sleep well half the week and it's just dragging me down. I'm 36, a professional, I should be advancing at work and instead I feel like I'm being watched for my mistakes.
I have a history of what I might call "mild" depression, usually it's manageable but this year has been by far worse. I consistently put myself down and feel like a failure.
I just not sure what to do, I'm not suicidal I just want answers and a path out.
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self.depression
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Another night Another night, sitting in my room crying and not knowing why. Too afraid to tell people and too much of a coward to end it myself.
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self.depression
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What gets you through the day? Think simple.
What gets me through the day is...
What gets me through the day is knowing that I'll be very busy the coming week, with no possibility to back out because I work in groups most of the time. It gives me a feeling of safety that I'll be around people and that I'm not alone, even though I can't really focus on the projects.
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self.depression
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Does anxiety produce symptoms like chest tightness while exercising and fast heart rate with mild and short activity? 25 year old male 169 cm (5'7'') 70 kg (155 lbs)
For the last few months something unusual happens to me. When I am sitting on a chair or laying in bed and stand up my heart rate jumps and I feel a little breathless.
Also, when I make short sudden movements, like walking a bit faster or doing a few meters of run in my house (like from one room to another), or climbing 5-6 steps my heart starts beating STRONG and fast.
When I exercise at the gym I get easily breathless with exercises I could do with no big problem before.
Also I have trouble swallowing, food seems to slow down in the lower neck/upper chest area, I feel nausea sometimes, loss of apetite.
I went to the doctor and made chest X-ray and Electrocardiogram, all was fine. Also the blood test was fine. She said it's stress and anxiety.
Is she right or should I go back for more tests?
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self.Anxiety
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